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The Lightning-Change Artist Monologue

The Lightning-Change Artist by Richard Drummond
Character: Artist
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18-80
Style: Comedy
Length: 5 minutes

 


Background Info: One actor playing 3 characters - middle-aged father, pre-teen son, and middle-aged wife. Very funny.

ANNOUNCER: [Appearing before the curtain.] Ladies and gentleman, we have been very fortunate in securing for this program a genuine imported quick-change artist who will act all the parts of the play about to be presented. Incidently, I may also say that the play, entitled "THE SON OF HIS FATHER'S WIFE," was written by the artist himself. Ladies and gentlemen, I present . . . [Real name of artist.]

SCENE: A room containing a table. Lady's wig on table.
CURTAIN RISES: Artist is standing at Center, dejectedly.

ARTIST: [Bass voice, looking at watch.] Eight-thirty PM, and my boy not home yet. My, how times have changed. When I was his age I was never out later than the next day. [Stamps foot.] Ah! I hear the front door slamming. It is my boy. [Faces Left.] Ah, Griswold, you are home at last. [Runs across to Left, takes hat from beneath coat and dons it. Faces Right. High voice.] Yes, father, I am home. But, Father, I have a confession to make. I am late because I stopped on the way home and robbed the First National Bank. [Runs to Center, hides hat beneath coat. Faces Left, bass voice.] What's this, my boy? You robbed the First National Bank? How times do change! When I was your age I never robbed anything larger than the United States mint. Griswold, what will your mother say? [Runs Right, dons hat. Faces Right. High voice.] I do not know what Mother will say, Father. [Runs Center, hides hat. Faces Left, bass voice.] We must keep it from her, my boy. She shall never know. [Runs Left, dons hat. Faces Right. High voice.] That's right. [Runs Center, hides hat. Faces Left. Bass voice.] Shhh! Your mother is coming now. [Runs Left, dons hat. Faces Right. High voice.] Where? [Runs Center, hides hat, faces Left. Bass voice.] There. [Points Left. Runs to table, dons wig. Dashes Left. Faces Right. Falsetto voice.] Ah, my boy, Griswold, is home. Josephus, our boy is a wonderful son, is he not? [Snatches off wig, runs Center. Faces Left. Bass voice.] Yes, Annabellizzy, Griswold is a son to be proud of. [Runs to table, dons wig. Turns. Falsetto voice.] Griswold, tell me. Are you hiding something from me? [Sniffs.] I smell mothballs. Griswold, something tells me. It must be a mother's intuition. Did you rob the First National Bank? [Removes wig. Dons hat. High voice.] Yes, Mother. I could not resist. Something seemed to pull me into the bank. Yes, Mother, I did rob the First National Bank. [Removes hat. Dons wig. Falsetto voice.] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! My Griswold! You must return what you have stolen at once. How much did you take from the bank? [Removes wig. Dons hat. High voice.] These mother. [Holds out blotters.] Two blotters and a pen point. [Removes hat. Dons wig. Falsetto voice.] Oh! [Faints.] NOTE: On the last change he may wear the wig over his hat.