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I used to hate black coffee; but let's face it, black coffee is manly. Do you think Clint Eastwood ever took "two sugars and a cream?" Of course not: Clint Eastwood was a man. And the girls love manliness. Once at a Denny's I encountered a waitress who would change me. Jenny: such a lovely girl. I had to show off my manliness (or at least act the part).

I ordered a Lumberjack Slam, extra ham, a piece of carrot cake, and of course, the clincher: black coffee. Unimpressed with this manliest of breakfasts -- which would have wowed most waiting-persons, Jenny tried to break me by bringing more and more coffee. Oh, I downed the breakfast before the rest of my family finished their three pancakes, mind you...but that coffee. I couldn't back down now. I'd come too far to chicken out.

She brought the check and with that topped me off: my eleventh cup. I tried to manage it down, but I was on my last leg long before....light bulb. Once no one was looking, I dumped my coffee in my grandmother's cup. Mock sipped it. Slammed it down and strode to the door--victorious. I take my coffee black for the same reason guys do anything: to impress women.