Animal Crackers Monologue
| Capt.Spaulding's Adventures in Africa by Bert Kalmar | |
| Character: | Captain Spaulding |
| Gender: | Male |
| Age (range): | 18 - 55 |
| Style: | Comedy |
| Length: | 3 minutes |
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Captain Spaulding: Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great
mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And
he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the
morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the
boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
We at once proceded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I
shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had
shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the cold climate.
He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. From the
day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up
at six, breakfasted, then back in bed at seven. This was our routine
for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at
six-thirty.
One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat
There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was
sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. I bagged them,
I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They
were the most persistant tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals
inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk and Knights of Pythias.
Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game. The first day I
shot two bucks that was the biggest game we had. As I say you all know
what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese and
is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills,
and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very
interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole; and you should see
them run when they find it is only water-hole. What they're looking for is
a elk-a-hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in
my pajamas, I'll never know. But that is entirely irrevent to what I was
talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they
weren't developed.But we're going back again in a couple of weeks...
