The Goodbye Girl Monologue
| The Goodbye Girl by Neil Simon | |
| Character: | Elliott |
| Gender: | Male |
| Age (range): | 18 - 55 |
| Style: | Drama |
| Length: | 2 minutes |
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Elliott: Will you listen very, very carefully to me?
Just for once--This may be the last time I ever talk to you. Not everyone
in this world is after your magnificent body, lady. In the first place,
it's not so magnificent. It's fair, but it ain't keeping me up nights,
you know? I don't even think you're very pretty. Maybe if you smiled
once and awhile, okay, but I don't want you to do anything against your
religion. And you are not the only person in this city ever to get dumped
on. I myself am a recent dumpee. I am a dedicated actor, Paula, you
know? I am dedicated to my art and my craft. I value what I do. And
because of a mentally arthritic director, I am about to play the second
greatest role in the history of the English-speaking theater like a double
order of fresh California fruit salad. When I say "nice," I mean
"nice"--ya know, decent, fair. I deserve it, because I'm a nice, decent
and fair person. I don't wanna jump on your bones. I don't even want to
see you in the morning. But I'll tell you what I do like about you,
Paula: Lucy. Lucy's your best part. Lucy is worth putting up with you
for. So here is fourteen dollars for the care and feeding of that
terrific kid. You get zippity-doo-dah! You want any money? Borrow it
from your ten-year-old daughter. I am now going inside my room to
meditate away my hostility toward you. Personally, I don't think it can
be done.
