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Wild & Crazy Guy Monologue

The Jerk by Steve Martin
Character: Navin R. Johnson
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes


Navin R. Johnson: Marie, are you awake?... good. You look so beautiful and peaceful- you almost look dead. And I'm glad because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say: I slit the sheet the sheet I slit and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week. And the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again. And the fourth day seemed like eight days. But the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day. But then you came back and later on the sixth day in the evening when we saw each other-- that started seeming like two days. So in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days. So at the end of the sixth on into the seventh day that seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down but I can show it to you tomorrow if you wanna see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm gonna ask you to marry me. If thats okay with you, just don't say anything. You've made me very happy.