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Mumford Monologue

Mumford by Lawrence Kasdan
Character: Mumford
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy/Drama
Length: 3 minutes


Mumford: Did you know that every species of mammal has found some way to drug inebriate or anesthetize itself? Even if it's just banging it's head against a rock. Seems to be some natural urge to get away for a while. I've had it for as long as I can remember. When I got a scholarship to go out of state to college, I was the first one in my extended family to go beyond high school. At graduation my folks looked like a normal happy couple. Which I guess they were about ten percent of the time out in public. My roommate was from a planet I'd never heard of called Scarsdale, where everything was the opposite of West Virginia. All the other kids seemed to know things I didn't. They were friendly enough but in four years I never got over the feeling that I had sneaked in and was about to be exposed as the hillbilly and imposter I actually was. The thing that always made those feelings go away was fun. Fun was drugs, fun was sex. The only problem I had with degenerate, self-destructive behavior was that I couldn't get enough of it. Over the next few years I had a series of challenging jobs; pump jockey pizza delivery, pipe fitting, pest control...lots of jobs that started with the letter "P." For some reason, I kept losing these jobs. Eventually doing all these different jobs, I discovered something. For some reason, probably because I was too stoned to talk, everywhere I went people would talk to me. Their problems, their innermost thoughts. Sometimes they pretended they needed advice, but mostly people just wanted someone to listen. Anyway, one day I was spraying for termites when I had a vision. It was time to put my college degree to work and get a job at a desk. I took the civil service exam, found myself working at the Internal Revenue Service: District 14, Central Administrative Office. I started out as a general records clerk, but pretty soon I was taking the advancement test. There was more money to be made as your as your classification went up, which had a lot of appeal to me because, even though I was certain I could stop anytime I wanted, I had developed a real "addiction" to cocaine. It was the best hobby I ever had. But I sure didn't want to be a revenue officer. Where you're face to face with the public, getting abuse all day long. And being one of the collection cowboys had no appeal at all. But there was one job that looked like it might be fun: Investigator.