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UHF Monologue

UHF by Al Yankovic & Jay Levey
Character: Stanley Spadowski
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes


Stanley Spadowski: Hey, welcome back to Stanley Spadowski's Club House. Are you kids having fun?? Hey, how about that cartoon, that was a weird cartoon, wasn't it? You know, that cartoon, it reminds me of a dream I had last week and I turned into a bird with a candy bar head! And there were these other birds, ya know, they're all tryin to eat my head and everything, but I get away from them, I did. And then there was this tree and there was this weird lizard, ya know, and WOAH!! WOAH!! Hey, hey, I wanna, I wanna show you something, I wanna show you something. This's my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop, I miss my first mop. But, this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives you. 'Cause life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff. Well, you, you gotta clean it out! You gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad that a mop is not good enough, a mop isn't good enough. You gotta get down there with a, with a toothbrush ya know! You gotta scrub, you gotta get it all off, you gotta really try to get it all off. And if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up, run to the window and say: "Hey! The floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!!"