Annie: I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried
all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped
Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan.
I know things. For instance, there's 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and
there's 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a
chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The
Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology.
Y'see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring. Which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer
slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is
like hitting a baseball. You just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides,
I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250. Not unless he had a lot
of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. Y'see, there's a certain
amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds.
Sometimes when I get a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickenson or
Walt Whitman to him. And the guys are so sweet, they always stay and
listen. Of course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's
foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe -- and
pretty. 'Course what I give them lasts a lifetime. What they give me
lasts a 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades
are part of baseball. Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for
god's sake! It's a long season, and you gotta trust it. I've tried
them all, I really have. And, the only church that feeds the soul, day
in, day out, is the church of baseball.