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After School Special Movie Script

Writer(s) : David H. Steinberg

Genres : Comedy

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AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL

    written by

David H. Steinberg




                       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
                           December 21, 2001

     FADE IN:
1    INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                    1
     As we wind down the crowded hallway in this typical American
     high school...
1A   ANOTHER CORRIDOR                                                1A
     ...we hear all the sounds of a STANDARD PORNO FLICK, from the
     unenthusiastic screams of fake ecstasy to the cheesy music.
1B   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY                1B
     The sounds echo in the empty hall. Behind the stage a light
     from an open door...
                          MATT (O.S.)
                This is unwatchable. It's not even in
                focus. And geez, look, the boom mike is
                in the shot. This is really shoddy work.
1C   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM   - DAY                1C
     The door leads into this room, as we continue on to a
     TV MONITOR displaying a sweaty guy's ugly face.
                          DEACON (O.S.)
                Why do they always show the guy's face?
                It's like, can't we just assume he's
                enjoying it?
     We slowly PULL BACK from the TV.
                          FRED (O.S.)
                Because they're trying to make us feel
                like we're better looking than that guy,
                so we should be able to get chicks as hot
                as her.
                          DEACON (O.S.)
                How the hell do you know?
                          FRED (O.S.)
                It's a basic rule of porno.
     Finally, we REVEAL our three heroes: MATT, FRED, and DEACON.
     They're watching the porno...
2    INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY                   2
     ... before school with the sound turned way down, but you can
     still hear the porno. The three guys are sitting with their
     book bags on their laps to conceal any possible bonerage.

    FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        2.



                        DEACON (V.O.)
              It all started on my seventeenth birthday
              with our usual morning routine: film
              appreciation.
    The school bell RINGS and Deacon clicks off the TV.
                        FRED
              Deacon! What are you doing? I was
              watching that.
                        DEACON
              Come on, let's go. We're going to be
              late.
                        DEACON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
              And when I say film appreciation, I mean
              film duplication. Fred steals them, Matt
              copies them, and I sell them.
    Matt walks over to the TV and presses eject on five VCR's.
    The original plus four copies pop out.
    CLOSE ON the original tape: "Ramalot Productions presents
    Dirty Darla #7," as Matt hands it to Fred and the copies to
    Deacon. They smile.
3   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY                   3
    The guys are waiting in line for lunch.
                        DEACON (V.O.)
              Fred's the kind of kid who's basically
              given up on high school. He figures his
              glory days are way ahead of him.
                        FRED
              First, I go to Yale, then Harvard law,
              then when I'm making a hundred grand a
              year, I'll have a whole stable of hot
              chicks sitting around topless on my
              yacht.
    He smiles ears to ear, looking for approval.
                        MATT
                  (to Deacon)
              Will that work?
                        DEACON
                  (to Fred)
              You are a complete moron.
    Deacon and Matt walk off. Fred calls after them.
                        FRED
              What?

    FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        3.



4   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                     4
    The video monitors up and down the hallways display an image
    that reads "Fifteen Days Till Midterms."
    Fred sees two AMAZING GIRLS walking towards him.
                        DEACON (V.O.)
              Until that big payday, Fred's sex life
              consists of spanking it.
                        AMAZING GIRL
              That test was sooo hard.
    That's too much for Fred to take. He adjusts his pants, turns
    ninety degrees, and makes a beeline for:
5   INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY                                         5
    Fred looks under the stalls to make sure no one's in there,
    then enters a stall and locks the door.
    He puts his book bag down, then places a protector on the
    toilet seat and sits down. He pulls a large wad of toilet
    paper off the roll. Then, from out of the book bag, Fred
    pulls a bottle of Moisty-Mate hand lotion. He smiles.
6   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                     6
    Fred is walking to class when he spots a HOT GIRL, rubbing a
    stain off of her shirt. Another HOT GIRL grabs her arm.
                        HOT GIRL
              We're going to be late. Are you coming?
    Fred perks up.
7   INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY                                         7
    Fred walks into the stall and grabs the toilet protector.
                        DEACON (V.O.)
              Fred averages two to five time a day,
              depending on how many girls he sees in
              the hallway.
8   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                     8
    Matt is videotaping the students (including J.T. and Mark)
    running down the hallway to class. Fred watches.
                        DEACON (V.O.)
              Now Matt-- Matt's what you'd call a late
              bloomer. Secretary of the Audio Visual
              Club, amateur filmmaker, and complete
              dork.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        4.



      J.T. and Mark grab Matt's camera and film each other flipping
      him off. Matt grabs it back and the Twins walk away laughing.
      Fred shakes his head.
                             FRED
                   What are you doing?
                             MATT
                   All great directors start this way. I'm
                   documenting the essence of high school.
                   Teenagers running to meet their destiny
                   only to find it's just home room. It's
                   very existential.
                             FRED
                   So's my balls. See you later.

9     OMITTED                                                             9
10    INT. OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOMS - DAY                                10
      Matt trudges into the locker room area, holding a towel to
      his bloody nose.
                             DEACON (V.O.)
                   In the normal course of things, Matt
                   probably wouldn't even have been our
                   friend, but Fred likes having someone to
                   boss around, and I think Matt's actually
                   pretty cool once you get to know him.
      Just then, the burly GIRLS' SWIM TEAM COACH comes out of the
      girls' locker room. She walks by Matt without noticing, and
      the door to the locker room closes slowly.
      Matt's attention is drawn to it. The door stops with a CREAK,
      a sliver of daylight still visible.
      Matt shakes his head and starts to walk away towards the
      boys' locker room. Then, he stops. He's torn. He's still too
      immature to really be interested, but he thinks he should be.
      He looks around quickly, then slowly approaches the door. He
      turns his head sideways, and places it up against the crack.
10A   MATT'S POV                                                        10A
      The proverbial jackpot. Teenage girls changing. Bras.
      Panties. Towels...
10B   REVERSE ANGLE                                                     10B
      Matt's eyes widen. And then, they CLOSE TIGHT. He quickly
      scurries away.
                             DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.)
                   Well, at least he's got the key to the
                   A/V room.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     5.



11   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                   11
     Deacon talks quietly to a DORKY FRESHMAN.
                         DEACON
               Dirty Darla #7 is a modern classic. This
               is grade-A porn, my friend. Worth a lot
               more than twenty dollars.
                         DORKY FRESHMAN
               Sweet.
     He hands him the money and Deacon makes the exchange for the
     tape. The freshman clutches it like gold and scurries away.
     Deacon heads out down the hallway towards his locker. He sees
     a gaggle of teenage GIRLS gossiping.
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               People always talk about how tough it is
               being a teenage girl. I mean, if I have
               to watch one more TV movie about bulimia
               or self mutilation or vaginal dryness...
     Deacon reaches his locker and opens it. He sees some
     CHEERLEADERS bouncing down the hallway. Deacon takes out some
     books for class.
                         DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.) (CONT'D)
               I'll tell you what's really hard. Being a
               seventeen year old boy. Imagine what it's
               like to have only one thing on your mind
               all day, every day, but to have
               absolutely no way of getting it.
12   INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY                                        12
     CLOSE ON a textbook showing the anatomy of the vagina.
     PULL BACK to reveal Deacon, seemingly staring into space, but
     really staring at...
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               Testosterone is a drug more powerful than
               heroin. I don't really have any evidence
               to support that, but the point is, a
               horny teenage boy will do almost anything
               for even a glimpse of sex.
     ... his BIOLOGY TEACHER's erect NIPPLES visible through her
     conservative bra and blouse. Aside from her flashing
     headlights, she's the kind of woman you wouldn't notice even
     if you were alone with her on a two-man luge. But that
     doesn't matter-- Deacon can't take his eyes off of them.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     6.



                         BIOLOGY TEACHER
                   (in the background)
               ... the increase in the hormone
               testosterone causes certain physiological
               changes in the adolescent male...
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               We're suffering. Suffering from a deep,
               debilitating addiction to something we've
               never even had. Teenage boys are like
               time bombs, ready to explode.
     BEHIND DEACON
     Two GUYS are whispering.
                         GUY 1
               Did you hear about Rachael?
                         GUY 2
               No, what happened?
                         GUY 1
               John Baldwin nailed her.
     Deacon bolts upright and spins around, concerned.
                         DEACON
               Are you talking about Rachael Unger?
                         GUY 1
               Yeah. It was at Richard Rosenblatt's
               party. In the bathroom.
                         DEACON
                   (crushed)
               You're kidding.
13   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)                        13
     RACHAEL UNGER, Deacon's girlfriend at the time, is naked
     under Deacon's sheets after school one day. Deacon ENTERS
     from the bathroom and is immediately surprised by her state
     of undress.
                         DEACON
               Rachael! What are you doing?
     She sits up and strikes a sexy pose.
                         RACHAEL
               We've been together for a year now, and I
               thought it was time to take our
               relationship to the next level.
     Deacon is becoming very nervous.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      7.



                         DEACON
               Now?
                         RACHAEL
               You've been talking about this for
               months.
                         DEACON
               I didn't think you were listening to me.
     Suddenly, Rachael becomes a little self-conscious.
                         RACHAEL
               Don't you want to?
                         DEACON
               Of course I do. But, I, um... I don't
               have anything...
     She pulls out a condom.
                         RACHAEL
               I do.
     But he's still hesitating.
                         RACHAEL (CONT'D)
               Deacon, what's the problem?
     Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for the
     taking. An eternity passes. Then,
                         DEACON
               I have a math test tomorrow.
14   INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY (END FLASHBACK)                        14
     The Teacher CLEARS HER THROAT and Deacon snaps out of it. He
     turns away from the guys behind him as they continue to
     describe the John Baldwin incident.
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               "I have a math test tomorrow." The bottom
               line is, I just couldn't do it. I don't
               know why, I just couldn't. And I've
               cursed myself every day since then.
     Deacon is suddenly...
15   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                   15
     ... very depressed as he trudges to his locker. Which is
     nothing compared to how he feels when he looks

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     8.



     DOWN THE HALLWAY
     and sees Rachael at her locker, hugging some people good-bye
     (including a good-looking guy who must be JOHN BALDWIN).
     Rachael looks down the hallway towards Deacon, but Deacon
     ducks away.
     Now he's even more embittered.
16   EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY              16
     Fred and Matt are walking towards their bikes after school.
                         FRED
               Did you videotape it?
                         MATT
                   (sarcastically)
               Yeah. I took my camera to gym class with
               me.
                         FRED
               You are the biggest moron I have ever
               known.
     Just then, Deacon comes up to them.
                         DEACON
               Hey, guys. Here's the money.
     He hands out the proceeds from the operation, and Matt
     notices that Deacon is a little out of sorts.
                         MATT
               Something wrong?
     Deacon lets out a deep breath.
                         DEACON
               Yeah. I heard Rachael Unger did it with
               John Baldwin.
                         FRED
               Well, you had your chance. I told you to
               seal that deal.
                          DEACON
               Shut up, Fabio. I don't see you sealing
               any deals.
                         FRED
               I'm biding my time.
                         DEACON
               Whatever. It just wasn't good timing.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       9.



                    FRED
          It doesn't get any better than that. You
          and Rachael were perfect for each other.
          And naked girls don't just appear out of
          thin air.
              (scoffs)
          "I have a math test tomorrow."
                     DEACON
          Will you shut up already?
              (beat)
          Look, I've been thinking about this all
          day. We're juniors now. Upperclassmen.
                    MATT
          So?
They reach the bike rack and start unlocking their bikes.
                    DEACON
          So we have a responsibility to ourselves
          to start having fun and getting girls.
          This year is our year.
              (takes the chain off his bike)
          There's nothing holding us back any more.
Over in the parking lot, JAKE, a studly senior, revs the
engine on his truck. Two hot girls, KELLY and WENDY, sit on
his bumper, chatting.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          You see? That's exactly what I'm talking
          about. That could be us.
                    FRED
          That's not going to be us this year, or
          next year, or any year, ever.
                    DEACON
          Why not? All we have to do is follow the
          simple lessons of Tony Montana in "Scar
          Face."
                    MATT
          Ooh. Good movie.
                    DEACON AND MATT
              (with Cuban accents)
          "First you get the money, then you get
          the power, then you get the women."
                    FRED
          So, we're going to become Cuban drug
          lords?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        10.



                           DEACON
                 Listen, the porno pirating operation is
                 bringing in plenty of money. When I get
                 my new car tonight for my birthday, we'll
                 have the power to go wherever we want.
                 Then, there's nothing stopping us from
                 getting the girls.
     Fred and Matt look at Deacon warily. Is this a plan? Then,
     the hot girls and Jake drive past the guys.
                           JAKE
                 Bye, Sphincter!
     They laugh, then peel out with the radio blasting.
                           FRED
                 Nothing's going to change, Deacon. You're
                 still going to be the kid who shit his
                 pants in fifth grade and no one will ever
                 let you forget it.
                           DEACON
                 I had a stomach virus, asshole.
     Just then, a super hot CHEERLEADER drops her car keys and
     bends over to pick them up.
                           FRED
                 Oh, that's just not fair.
     Fred adjusts himself.

17   OMITTED                                                            17
18   INT. VIDEO CASA DEL RUSS A.K.A. RUSS'S VIDEO MAGIC - DAY           18
     Fred arrives dressed for work (name tag, shirt, etc.) and
     waves to RUSS, the scraggly owner of this small video rental
     store.
     Fred passes J.T., Mark, Wendy, and Kelly and a bunch of other
     CUSTOMERS on his way to the back section of the store.
     ADULT SECTION
     Fred makes sure Russ isn't looking and ducks into the porno
     section. Hurriedly, he pulls out "Half-Cyborg 5: Final
     Showdown" from his book bag. But inside the case is the tape
     for "Dirty Darla #7." He makes the switch. Fred sighs a
     breath of relief, smiles, and walks out of the adult
     section...
     MAIN AREA
     ...right into...

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        11.



                    RUSS
          Gotcha!
Fred SCREAMS.
                    RUSS (CONT'D)
          I've been watching you.
Russ grabs Fred by the shoulders and throws him up against
the shelf, shaking him with every word.
                    RUSS (CONT'D)
          Those movies aren't for little monkey-
          boys!
                    FRED
          Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!
The Customers stop to stare at the scene. Fred breaks free,
and Russ chases after him.
                    RUSS
          Come back here, you bastard!
Russ runs after him and DIVES at Fred's legs, knocking him
and entire shelf of tapes over. The tape FLY EVERYWHERE. Fred
is still SCREAMING.
Russ starts shouting at Fred so that everyone can hear. A
crowd gathers around to watch the spectacle.
                    RUSS (CONT'D)
          What else you got in here?
Russ rips open Fred's bag and pulls out items, looking for
more tapes. Fred tries to stop him, but the old man has an
iron grip and keeps him away.
Fred cringes as Russ exposes porno magazines, kleenex
tissues, baby wipes, the bottle of Moisty-Mate Firming
Lotion, Q-tips, women's sexy underwear, surgical gloves...
Wendy and Kelly are completely grossed out.
                    RUSS (CONT'D)
              (totally confused)
          What's this for?
...and a Barbie-type DOLL with a pullstring. Russ pulls it.
                    DOLL
          I'm Candy. Let's play dress-up.
The crowd is now seriously disturbed.
                    MARK
          Dude.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        12.



     Fred sits there, whimpering on the ground.
19   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY                                         19
     Deacon drives the DMV Tester Car under the watchful eye of
     the DMV TESTER.
                         DEACON
               And I signal exactly two hundred feet
               before the turn. Rule 108-1.
     The unimpressed Tester remains expressionless.
                         DMV TESTER
               Great. Now after the right, I want you to
               parallel park in the open space.
     Deacon complies.
                         DEACON
               I begin the parallel parking maneuver by
               pulling within three feet of the forward
               vehicle. I now shift into reverse while
               turning the wheel two revolutions
               clockwise...
     The Tester rubs his brow.
20   INT. DMV - DAY                                                     20
     FLASH!
     Deacon's picture is taken. He passed.

21   OMITTED                                                            21
22   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY                                          22
     It's dark, but suddenly the lights come on.
                           EVERYONE
               Surprise!
     Deacon pretends to be surprised.
                         DEACON
               Wow. This is great.
     The room is sparsely populated with a few of Deacon's
     RELATIVES, his MOM and DAD, younger brother MAX (14), and
     ROGER, a wheelchair-bound nerd with a face full of
     orthodontic headgear and braces.
                         MATT
               Were you surprised?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       13.



                         DEACON
               Yeah.
                         MATT
               Really?
                         DEACON
               Really. I was.
                         ROGER
               Happy birthday, Deacon. It's Lois Lane
               #2. Be careful. It's still in the
               wrapper.
     He hands Deacon a comic book, still in the plastic bag.
                         DEACON
               Thanks.
23   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LATER                                       23
     Half-eaten cake and ice cream, unwrapped presents. Matt
     videotapes the event.
                         MR. LEWIS
               Are you ready for the big present?
                         DEACON
                   (laying it on thick)
               You mean there's more?
     Deacon can hardly contain his excitement.
                         MR. LEWIS
               It's in the garage. Come with us.
     He follows them, looking back knowingly at Fred and Matt.
24   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)                   24
     The door opens, the lights come on, and Deacon's face drops.
     No new car. Instead, several large wrapped boxes. Deacon
     halfheartedly rips open the paper.
                         MR. LEWIS
               It's a new computer system. You've been
               talking about it for months.
     But his Mom can see his expression.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               What? That's not what you wanted?
                         DEACON
               No, it is. It's just--

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       14.



                         MAX
               I'll take it.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Max!
                         MR. LEWIS
               We can exchange it if it's not the right
               one.
                         DEACON
               No, I just thought-- I thought you guys
               were buying me that car I wanted.
     Max snickers.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               A car? Why do you need a car?
                         MR. LEWIS
               You can ask permission to use our car
               whenever you want, champ.
     They put their arms around Deacon and smile warmly. Deacon
     looks over at his parents' Aerostar Minivan. Everyone moves
     back into the house, except Deacon's parents, who linger.
                         MR. LEWIS (CONT'D)
               I told you he didn't want a new computer.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Like you know what anyone in this house
               really wants.
25   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                     25
     The guys set up the computer. Deacon is really depressed.
                         DEACON
               Now what are we going to do?
                         FRED
               At least you got this great party.
                         MATT
               Actually, we were expecting a lot more
               people.
     Fred elbows him.
                         MATT (CONT'D)
               What?
                         DEACON
               You invited more people?

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                15.



                          FRED
                Well, we did send out flyers to like
                three hundred people from school.
                          DEACON
                And no one showed up?
                            ROGER
                I did.
      Deacon looks back at Roger.
                            DEACON
                Great.
                          ROGER
                Uh, guys. No one showed up because
                they're all at Tom Cooperman's house.
                He's having a keg party.
                          FRED
                What? Why didn't I hear about this? That
                shit's not right.
                          ROGER
                I heard it from Rahim. He beamed me the
                411 in study hall.
      A beat. Deacon's anger turns to action.
                            DEACON
                Let's go.
                            MATT
                Why?
                          FRED
                Yeah. Tom Cooperman kicked me in the
                balls in third grade, and I swear there
                is still a footprint on my nutsack.
                          DEACON
                Come on, guys. Can I just get one thing
                that I ask for on my goddamn birthday?
                          MATT
                He's got a point.
                          FRED
                Fine. Watch your balls.

25A   OMITTED                                                    25A

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       16.



25B   INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT                                         25B
      CLOSE ON a set of feet, stomping on a Sony D.D.R. mat.
      REVEAL TOM COOPERMAN dancing up a storm, in a heated
      competition against several challengers. The CROWD goes wild
      at Coop's moves.
      The DOORBELL RINGS.
      Continuing his dance steps, Coop moves to the door.
26    EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT                             26
      Deacon, Fred, and Matt stand on the porch, waiting. The door
      opens, and we see Coop dancing all the way to the front door.
                          COOP
                    (ad lib)
                Grommets!
                          DEACON
                Hey, Coop. Can we come in?
      Coop un-pockets a tiny piece of paper with a thousand names
      on it. He examines it for a long time.
                          COOP
                Sorry, son, that dog won't hunt. Y'all
                ain't on the list.
      He goes to close the door. Deacon stops it with his foot.
      Fred flinches.
                          DEACON
                Coop. It's my birthday today, so cut me
                some slack, all right?
      Coop looks him over, then opens the door.
                          COOP
                    (ad lib)
                Well, pickle my turnips, why didn't you
                say so? Happy birthday, friend.
      The guys look at each other, excited. They look back at
      Roger, five feet behind them at the bottom of the steps.
                          ROGER
                Little help?
27    INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT                                          27
      People drinking, dancing, couples making out. Girls
      everywhere. And over near the keg is...

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       17.



                    DEACON
              (in a trance)
          Oh, my God. There's Naomi.
                    FRED
          She looks good.
And there's NAOMI, every teenage boy's fantasy, wearing a hot
party dress and drinking a cup of beer. Someone lightly bumps
her...
CLOSE ON her lips as the beer dribbles down her chin, and the
world goes still .
She playfully wipes the beer off her moistened lips and chin
with the back of her hand. She turns her head and her hair
floats in the air.
DEACON AND FRED
are zombies, completely mesmerized by her.
                    FRED
          She spilled her beer.
                    DEACON
          Yeah.
Fred adjusts his pants. Deacon makes a decision. One that
he'd normally never make.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          I'm gonna go talk to her. What have I got
          to lose?
                    FRED
          Your dignity?
                    DEACON
          She's Rachael's friend. It's not like I
          don't know her.
                    MATT
          Ask her if she has any unusual hats.
          Girls like that.
Deacon gives Matt a dirty look.
THE KEG AREA
                    DEACON
          Hey, Naomi.
                    NAOMI
          Happy Birthday, Deacon.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       18.



                    DEACON
              (pleasantly surprised)
          You remembered.
                    NAOMI
          Well, I got this flyer and--
                    DEACON
          Oh, right. So where's Jake?
                    NAOMI
          Like I care.
                    DEACON
              (hopeful)
          So you two aren't going out any more?
                      NAOMI
          Duh.
Deacon's mind is racing with possibilities when:
                      JAKE (O.S.)
          Freakin!
It's Jake, back for another beer.
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          Hey, did you hear about Rachael Unger?
Before Deacon can answer...
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          He shoots, he misses, right, ass-
          sphincter? Come on, Naomi. We're going in
          the pool.
                    NAOMI
          Screw off. I'm talking to Deacon.
                      JAKE
          Whatever.
                      NAOMI
          Whatever.
Jake gives Deacon a dirty look, nods a "let's go" to J.T. and
Mark, and heads out back.
                    NAOMI (CONT'D)
          What an asshole.
As soon as Jake is out of sight, Deacon turns back to Naomi,
but she's already gone, stranding Deacon. What just happened
here?
REVEAL Matt helping Roger drink a beer in the background.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        19.



28   EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER                              28
     Deacon wanders out back. It's   very dark and there are several
     people in the pool, including   Jake's good-looking friends,
     Kelly, Wendy, J.T., and MARK.   It's hard to tell in the dark
     water, but it looks like they   might not be wearing any
     clothes. Deacon sees this and   starts to walk away.
                         J.T.
               Deacon. I heard it was your birthday.
               Come on in the pool, man.
                         DEACON
               No, that's okay.
                         MARK
               No, seriously. It's cool.
                         KELLY
                   (come hither)
               Come on, Deacon.
                         WENDY
               Yeah. Come on.
     Deacon thinks about it. He takes the metaphorical plunge.
                            DEACON
               All right.
     He slips off his shoes and takes off his shirt. He walks over
     to the shallow end. Deacon steps in with his shorts still on.
                         MARK
               Dude, what are you doing? Take off your
               clothes.
                            DEACON
               What?
                         WENDY
               We're skinny dipping, Deacon.
     He hesitates, not sure what to do.
                         DEACON
               Oh. Okay. Sorry, I'll just leave you guys
               alone then--
                         KELLY
               --No, come on in. Join us.
     Wendy swims into J.T.'s arms. Her shoulders rise above the
     water and you can just make out the top of her breast.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        20.



DEACON
looks at her, thinks it over, and finally... slips off his
shorts. He gets into the pool in his underwear, then slips
them off, too, and throws them on the side of pool.
                    DEACON
          Wow. This feels amazing.
Someone splashes Kelly, she giggles, and the other kids swim
around. Kelly swims by Deacon seductively and he smiles.
                    JAKE (O.S.)
          Coop's doing funnels. Come on.
It's Jake, by the side of the pool with Deacon's clothes. The
other people swim to the front, and get out of the pool...
...wearing clothes! Even Wendy, in a strapless bra.
                    J.T.
              (rubbing it in)
          Sorry, dude.
                    DEACON
          Hey, give me back my clothes!
                    JAKE
          Freakin? I can't see you. Maybe I need to
          turn on the LIGHTS.
And he does. The backyard lights go on illuminating the
scene. Deacon panics. People start looking at him, laughing.
Then, the cheesy colored pool lights come on, flashing
slowly.
Deacon is humiliated. Jake bends down to whisper to Deacon.
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          Did you really think Naomi was into you?
Deacon doesn't respond. But it's not enough for Jake. He
picks up Deacon's underwear with a stick and examines them.
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          Oh my God! Skid marks. Aaaahhh, Deacon
          shit his pants again!
                    DEACON
          No, I didn't! Give them back!
Jake does a victory lap around the pool with Deacon's
underwear on the stick. Everybody is laughing.
                    JAKE
          Sphincter boy shit his pants!

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        21.



28A   INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)                             28A
      Jake locks the sliding glass door and waves at Deacon in the
      pool. The group laughs and walks away.
29    EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER                               29
      Deacon is still in the pool, shivering and shrivelled.
      Finally, the lights turn off in the back yard, and Deacon
      ventures out of the pool.
      He grabs an inflatable elephant pool toy and slips it around
      his privates. He slowly sneaks around the house.
29A   EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - SIDE OF THE HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)         29A
      A dog BARKS! He snarls at Deacon standing there wearing only
      the pool toy. Deacon runs away into the
29B   EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)                  29B
      The Dog is right behind him. Deacon struggles with him.
                          DEACON
                Hey, watch the nads!
      But it's no use. The dog BITES the front of the pool toy and
      it starts to deflate...
      ... just as the HEADLIGHTS of a car pull into the driveway.
      Deacon FREEZES. He desperately tries to cover himself with
      the rapidly diminishing toy being jerked away by the dog in a
      motion that makes it look like Deacon's getting a doggie
      hummer. A MAN gets out of the car.
                          COOP'S DAD
                What the hell kind of sick shit is this?
30    EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY                   30
      The next day, the guys are at the bike rack, when a hot
      SPORTS CAR drives by. Deacon is visibly bummed.
                          DEACON
                You know how long it's going to take to
                save up for a car selling porno tapes
                twenty bucks a pop?
      Fred looks down.
                          DEACON (CONT'D)
                What?
                          FRED
                There's a small problem.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        22.



                         MATT
               What?
                         FRED
               I got fired yesterday. Russ caught me and
               went berserk. Some sort of sting
               operation he's been planning for months.
               I don't know.
                         DEACON
               You're kidding me, right? Tell me you're
               kidding.
                         FRED
               No. And now I have to work twice a week
               at my dad's office. I told you this
               Scarface plan was stupid.
                         DEACON
               Great. So now we've got no girls, no car,
               and no money.
                         FRED
               And no porn.
                         MATT
               Tony Montana would be very disappointed.
     Deacon is once again...
31   INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY                                           31
     ... very depressed, as he sits, bored out of his mind in his
     biology class.
                         BIOLOGY TEACHER
               Now turn your textbooks to chapter six,
               the Animal Kingdom. As you should know by
               now, biology is the study of life, in all
               its infinite varieties.
     Deacon continues to stare at her perpetually hard nipples.
                         BIOLOGY TEACHER (CONT'D)
               So to keep things a little fun around
               here, tomorrow we're taking a field trip
               to the zoo.
     Deacon buries his head in his hands.
32   EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY                  32
     Deacon is talking to the Dorky Freshman near the bike rack.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       23.



                    DORKY FRESHMAN
          Is this some kind of extortion racket?
          I'll pay you double if you can get me
          something today.
                    DEACON
          I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do for
          a while. We don't have anything new.
                    DORKY FRESHMAN
          I'm dying. I just need something.
Just then, Naomi walks by on her way to the parking lot.
                    DEACON
          Hey, Naomi. What are you up to?
                    NAOMI
          Going home to cram for midterms.
With a look, Deacon shoos away the freshman dork.
                    DEACON
          Oh. I could help you. I mean, if you
          needed any help.
                    NAOMI
          That's okay. I'll be all right.
Deacon searches for something meaningful to say, desperate
not to let the moment pass him by. Naomi cuts him some slack
by asking,
                    NAOMI (CONT'D)
          So where did Rachael go off to?
                    DEACON
          She went to Paris with the French Club.
              (then, taking a chance)
          We're seeing other people.
She laughs at his attempt at being nonchalant. But she's
laughing with him, not at him, and Deacon can tell the
difference. He relaxes...
                    JAKE (O.S.)
          Hey, sphincter.
... just as Jake drives up to them. Deacon is starting to
really get pissed at Jake ruining the moment with Naomi.
                    DEACON
          Look, can you please stop calling me
          that? I think we're old enough to just
          let it go. All right?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     24.



                         JAKE
               Oh, sure. Sorry about that... Shit-pants.
     He looks at Naomi.
                            JAKE (CONT'D)
               Hi, Naomi.
                            NAOMI
               Whatever.
     She turns her back to Jake and his smile fades. He revs the
     engine and peels out BACKWARDS. Deacon jumps out of the way,
     but his bike is CRUSHED by the car.
                         JAKE
               Oops. Sorry.
     He shifts gears and drives over the bike again. He laughs as
     he drives away. Naomi gives Deacon a pitying look and walks
     away. The moment is gone. Now Deacon is...
33   INT. AEROSTAR - DAY                                             33
     ... pissed. His crushed bike is in the back seat.
                         DEACON
                   (emphatic)
               Look, mom. I need a car.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               But I thought we agreed--
                         DEACON
               I need a car of my own.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Well, honey. A car is a lot of
               responsibility.
                         DEACON
               Jesus, Mom. I'm seventeen now. I think I
               can handle it.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Well, it's also a lot of money. I'll tell
               you what. Maybe you can get an after
               school job to earn money for a car. I'll
               talk to your father.
     Deacon is stewing.

34   OMITTED                                                         34

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      25.



35   INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY                                        35
     CLOSE ON a web browser as the following URL is typed in:
     www.nicelookinggirlsthatgetnaked4U.com.
     The Cyber Granny parental block pops up. Denied.
     www.homeroomteachersdoingitbeforeschool.com
     Cyber Granny. Denied.
     www.ineedfreepornnow.org
     Denied.
                         FRED
               Goddamn it.
                         MATT
               Your dad really knows his firewalls.
     Deacon bursts into the room.
                         FRED
               Hey, asshole. Don't just come barging in
               here. We could have been naked.
     Matt gives Fred a look.
                         DEACON
                   (excited)
               Shut up. I figured out how to get back on
               the Tony Montana track.... So, I'm at the
               zoo today...
36   EXT. ZOO - DAY                                                   36
     A crowd of people (including Deacon's biology class) are
     watching something in the monkey cage.
                         BIOLOGY TEACHER
               People! People! Come quickly. Witness the
               miracle of nature at its most primal.
     She's videotaping it, and Deacon looks up AT HER VIDEO
     VIEWFINDER. It's a monkey orgy. Masturbation and fornication
     everywhere.
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               And these monkeys are doing it. I mean,
               they're going wild. And Miss Ariel is
               videotaping it.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     26.



                         BIOLOGY TEACHER
                   (getting hot and bothered)
               With one final thrust of his engorged
               penis, the male deposits his seed and
               moves on.
                   (suddenly bitter)
               Probably to a younger, more desirable
               female. One who doesn't have any
               "issues." Whatever that means.
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               That's when it hit me.
     Just then, a glob of "something" shoots out towards the crowd
     (SFX). Everyone ducks, except for Roger, who's can't move
     quickly enough in his wheelchair. It hits him in the face,
     dripping down his orthodontia.
                         ROGER
               A little help!
                         DEACON (V.O.)
               Well, Roger actually...
37   INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY                                       37
                           FRED
               What?
                         DEACON
               Let's make one.
                           MATT
               One what?
                           DEACON
               A movie.
                         MATT
               Great! That's perfect! I've already got
               an idea for a kind of sci-fi horror
               thing. It's like "The Shining" meets "The
               Jetsons."
                         DEACON
               No, you moron. A porno film.
     Fred lights up.
                         FRED
               Even better.
                         DEACON
               And check this out. The best part of all,
               is I've got an angle.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        27.



                    FRED
          What kind of angle?
                    DEACON
          We can make pornos that cater to guys
          like us.
                    FRED
          You mean virgins.
                    DEACON
          Yes. Adult films made by virgins for
          virgins.
                    MATT
          With good cinematography.
                    FRED
          And cute, nice girls. The kind you'd want
          to take to dinner with your parents.
                    DEACON
          Right. No shots of sweaty guys' faces.
                    FRED
          And nothing up the butt.
They look at him.
                    FRED (CONT'D)
          What? I don't like it when they put stuff
          up their butt.
                    MATT
          These have to be nicely edited. We should
          shoot on super 16 and transfer to video.
                     DEACON
          No, Matt. We'll shoot it on your video
          camera. We're not getting any expensive
          equipment.
                    FRED
          How are we going to get the women to star
          in the film?
                    MATT
          And the guys.
                    DEACON
          I don't know. We'll surf the net. We'll
          figure it out.
They look at each other for a beat. Finally, Fred and Matt
crack up.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                 28.



                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          What?
                    FRED
          That was really funny.
Deacon just looks at them, pissed.
                    DEACON
          I'm serious about this.
                    MATT
          We can't make a porno movie.
                    FRED
          Do you have any idea how much trouble
          we'd get in?
                    DEACON
          Do you have any idea how much money we'd
          make?
A beat.
                    MATT
          Like how much?
                    DEACON
          Enough for a car. Enough for more camera
          shit. To take girls out. I don't know.
          For whatever we want.
Beat. Beat. Beat. They're thinking about it.
                    FRED
          What about the moral implications?
                    DEACON
          It's a free market transaction between
          consenting adults. What's the problem?
                    FRED
          We're not adults.
                    MATT
          He's got a point, Deacon.
                    DEACON
          Guys, tell me the truth. Haven't you ever
          wondered... haven't you ever imagined
          what it would be like to make one?
                    MATT
          Not really.
Deacon turns to Fred, who looks guilty.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     29.



                         FRED
               Okay. Sure. I've thought about it. I've
               thought about shaving Principal Taggert's
               ass, too.
     A look, then Deacon gets up to seal the deal.
                         DEACON
               Look. This is an opportunity we shouldn't
               let slip away. If we make this movie, it
               could be the best year of our lives.
               We'll go in boys and come out men. And at
               the end, we'll have the money, the power,
               and the women. But you losers would
               rather play it safe. Well, I'm not going
               to waste another minute. I'm making this
               porno movie with or without you. And when
               I show up at school in my new set of
               wheels, and you two limp dicks are
               begging me for my sloppy seconds, I'll
               just have to tell you, "Sorry, guys. That
               ship has sailed. You blew it."
     Ringing silence.
                         MATT
                   (sincerely)
               That was a really good speech, Deacon.
                           DEACON
               Thanks.
                         MATT
               Did you work that out before?
                           DEACON
               No, Matt.
                         FRED
               Okay... So say we were to do this. What
               would we call our company?
                         MATT
               I've got it. "After School Special."
     They look at him. It's perfect.
38   INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                                      38
     WE FOLLOW a WOMAN dressed in a Fredericks of Hollywood type
     outfit, walking down the hallway past office suites; a
     mortgage company, a dentist, etc...
     She enters an office. As the door closes behind her, WE SEE
     the sign on the door, "Ramalot Productions."

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     30.



39   INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - CONTINUOUS                                39
     A small, vertically integrated porno production company.
     Blow-ups of the company's box covers on the walls, hundreds
     of copies of titles on shelves, a small STAFF and two
     adjoining rooms.
     VIC RAMALOT, whose face we recognize from Dirty Darla #7,
     enters from the set. His partner, MIKE, helps him on with his
     robe.
                         MIKE
               That was good. Some good action.
                         VIC
               I've got a question for you Mike, and I
               want you to promise to be completely
               honest.
                         MIKE
               Sure. Of course, Vic.
     Vic looks at him, vulnerable.
                         VIC
               Do you think I'm too fat?
                         MIKE
               Are you kidding? The camera loves you.
                            VIC
               Seriously?
                         MIKE
               Absolutely.
                         VIC
               Thanks, man.
     Vic gives Mike a jive hand shake and the two do a little hug.
     Over Mike's shoulder, Vic sees the woman who's come into the
     office.
                         VIC (CONT'D)
               Darla, sweetheart. Ready for number
               eight?
     Darla drops her top and heads for the bathroom.
                         DARLA
               Sure, Vic, lemme freshen up first.
                         VIC
                   (to Mike)
               Is he in there?
     Mike nods, leading Vic through a door, into

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        31.



40   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS                                  40
     where there's a terribly FRIGHTENED MAN (cameo for Ron
     Jeremy, etc.) tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth.
     Vic shakes his head, picking up a pair of rusty hedge
     clippers from the table. He snaps them open.
                         VIC
               So, you think you can just walk into my
               town and move in on my territory?
     The Man takes a quick look down at his own crotch, fearing
     the worst. He shakes his head, pleading through his gag.
41   INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY                                         41
     The guys are huddled behind the frosted window of Fred's
     dad's office, standing away from the RECEPTIONIST.
                         FRED
               We've got to have two forms of i.d. to
               prove she's over eighteen.
                         DEACON
               How much money do we need?
                         FRED
               A first time porno actress makes only two
               fifty to five hundred bucks.
                         MATT
               That's it? Does that include the sex?
                            DEACON
               Yes, Matt.
                         MATT
               So how do we get women for this movie?
                         FRED
               We place an ad in the Cleveland X-Press
               for "body models." That's like some sort
               of code word in the industry.
                         MATT
               Are we supposed to have sex with these
               women?
                            DEACON
               No, Matt.
     A NURSE walks in.
                         NURSE
               Fred, your father wants you to take these
               urine samples down to the lab.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     32.



                    FRED
          Okay. In a minute.
Fred puts the samples down. She rolls her eyes then leaves.
                    FRED (CONT'D)
          We also need an adult signature to set up
          the bank account and the web site.
                    MATT
          Let's use Principal Taggert's name.
                    FRED
          Oh yeah, good idea. That'll never come
          back to haunt us.
                    DEACON
          Then whose name should we use?
Just then, MR. GREITZER comes into the office.
                    GREITZER
          I'm Ronald Greitzer here for my 4:00
          appointment.
                    RECEPTIONIST
          Okay, Mr. Greitzer. I'll let the doctor
          know you're here for your...
              (checks the book)
          rectal exam. Have a seat.
He leaves and Fred looks at Deacon, mischievously.
                     DEACON
          No way.
                    FRED
          Why not? It's perfect. My dad's got Mr.
          Greitzer's signature on file, his credit
          card number, and his social security
          number...
A beat.
                    DEACON
          And he'll never find out?
                    FRED
          It's not like we're going to send him our
          annual report. It'll just be like an
          official name of record or something.
                    DEACON
          Okay. Cool.
The Nurse returns.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      33.



                          NURSE
                And take these fecal and semen samples,
                too.
      She hands Fred two more containers, and the guys exit.
41A   EXT. STREET - DAY                                                41A
      The guys ride their bikes towards the lab to deliver the
      samples.
                          FRED
                And we need porno names.
                          DEACON
                What do you mean?
                          FRED
                It's a basic rule of porno. All people
                affiliated with the production of an
                adult film have porno names so their
                friends don't recognize them.
                          MATT
                Oh, you mean like "Johnny Hardmember"?
                          FRED
                Exactly. That's a good one. I'll be Balls
                McLongcock.
                          MATT
                Ooh, I like it.
                          DEACON
                Guys. Those kind of names are just for
                the actors.
                          MATT
                You're just jealous that you don't have a
                cool porno name like us.
                          DEACON
                Okay, fine. Then I'm Sam ...
                    (searching)
                Slam. Sam Slam. The Back Door Man.
      Matt and Fred look at each other, then Deacon.
                          MATT
                That name sucks.
                          FRED
                You don't get it, do you? A porno name
                needs to be a very subtle thing.
      Fred gestures and DROPS the samples which SPLATTER all over
      the ground.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       34.



                         DEACON
               Sorry, Balls. I guess I'm still new at
               this.
                         FRED
               Matt, pick that up.
42   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT                              42
     The family dinner.
                         MR. LEWIS
               And I'm telling the guy, he's got to use
               form ND-45 for a third-party beneficiary,
               but Johnson's gotta be the big man.
               "We've been using ND-90 for twenty-two
               years." But Johnson's an idiot. He
               doesn't know ND-90 doesn't even exist
               anymore.
     Mom yawns. The phone rings and she gets it.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Hello?
                   (covers phone)
               Deacon, it's for you. It's a young lady
               named Palomina.
     Deacon CHOKES on his food. He gets up quickly and grabs the
     phone. Max is eyeballing him, so Deacon walks with the phone
     into the other room and talks softly.
                         DEACON
               Yeah. 345 Remson. That's right. Great.
               Wednesday, three to five. Looking forward
               to working with you, too.
     He hangs up and returns to the kitchen to see the whole
     family staring at him, curious.
                         DEACON (CONT'D)
               I'm tutoring someone ... in math. To earn
               money for a car.
     He forces a smile.
43   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY                                        43
     The guys are busy setting up auditions.
                         DEACON
               No, we don't pay bus fare.
                                                         JUMP CUT TO:

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     35.



                          FRED
               Sure, you can bring your dog.
                   (beat)
               Oh. No, that's okay. Better leave him
               home.
                                                       JUMP CUT TO:
                         MATT
               Thanks. You sound sexy, too.
                                                       JUMP CUT TO:
     The guys are getting excited.
                         FRED
               I can't believe this is working.
44   INT. BASEMENT SET - OTHER ROOM - DAY                             44
     And there's Matt, wearing a shirt and tie, nervously sitting
     in the rec room with a room full of CRACK WHORES.
     They're a motley crew of fat, old, toothless, spandex-wearing
     streetwalkers (including one TRANSVESTITE).
     An uncomfortable silence pervades the room. Matt turns to one
     woman wearing a rainbow-colored halter top.
                          MATT
               When you have sex with a strange man, do
               you imagine it's like your boyfriend or
               something?
     She just looks at him.
                         DEACON (O.S.)
                   (over a walkie talkie)
               We're ready. Over.
     Matt picks up his walkie talkie.
                         MATT
               Roger. Over.
     He looks at his clipboard and turns to the first woman.
                         MATT (CONT'D)
               You can go in now.
     She gets up and walks through the curtain.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     36.



45   INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - DAY                                    45
     The basement is set up with a casting couch. Fred and Deacon
     are also dressed in jackets and ties. The Crack Whore makes
     her way over to them. They stare at her, slackjawed.
                         DEACON
               Take a seat please.
                         FRED
               Hi, I'm Balls McLongcock and this is Sam
               Slam.
                         CRACK WHORE
               Tequila. You boys seem kind of young.
                         DEACON
               Don't worry. We're old enough.
                         FRED
               Tequila. Nice name. So, have you done any
               films before?
                         CRACK WHORE
               I been in some home movies. Stuff like
               that. Some pictures.
     She tosses a stack of Polaroids at them. The top one has her
     standing next to a horse. Fred is speechless.
                         DEACON
               Okay, then. I think we have what we need.
               We'll call you.
     She's confused.
                         CRACK WHORE
               So you don't want me to suck you two off?
     They look at each other.
                         DEACON
               No, I don't think that will be necessary
               at this time.
                         FRED
               Maybe later.
46   INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - LATER                                  46
     The whores are gone.
                         MATT
               Maybe if we put another ad in and say
               we're only looking for good looking
               models.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       37.



     They look at him with disdain.
                         FRED
               There's got to be another way to recruit
               porno actresses.
47   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                     47
     FLASH!
     Three digital images of the guys are lined up on Deacon's
     computer monitor (thanks Mom and Dad!). Deacon is digitally
     altering the photo of Fred to give him a goatee. Matt's photo
     has already gotten mutton chops and Deacon's looking sweet
     with a fu-manchu.
                         DEACON
               I say we make them from Hawaii.
                          MATT
               Hawaii?
                         DEACON
               It's perfect. Do you know what a Hawaii
               driver's license looks like?
                          MATT
               No.
                          DEACON
               Exactly.
                         FRED
               But isn't it going to seem a little
               suspicious? Like why are we in Cleveland?
                          DEACON
               Vacation. People from Cleveland vacation
               in Hawaii, where do you think people from
               Hawaii go?
     Matt and Fred look at each other. They shrug, then,
                          MATT
               Aloha.
48   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT                         48
     The next night. The three guys walk downstairs dressed in
     Hawaiian shirts. Deacon's parents are reading and Max is
     watching TV.
                         DEACON
               Hey, mom. Can I borrow the car?
                         MRS. LEWIS
               I have to go to the video store later.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        38.



                          DEACON
                But, mom. You said I could use the car,
                but it's never free.
                          MRS. LEWIS
                All right, Deacon. I'll walk to the
                store.
                          MAX
                Where are you guys going?
                            DEACON
                Out.
                          MR. LEWIS
                Why are you boys dressed like Don Ho?
                          FRED
                This is the new style, Mr. Lewis.
                          MAX
                Yeah, for ass-wranglers.
                            MRS. LEWIS
                Max!
49    INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT                                               49
      Inside the car (still in the garage), the three guys apply
      their fake facial hair to match their three new fake i.d.'s.
                          FRED
                Are we really going to do this?
                            DEACON
                Oh, yeah.
      He starts the ignition, and an EASY LISTENING tune blasts on
      the radio, ruining the moment. The guys look at each other
      for a beat, then Deacon quickly changes the station to a
      ROCKING SONG, and get back into the mood for adventure.
                          DEACON (CONT'D)
                    (once again)
                Oh, yeah.
      They pull out and drive off.
49A   EXT. CLEVELAND - NIGHT                                             49A
      The minivan descends out of the suburbs into the lights of
      the big city below.
50    EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT                                  50
      CLOSE ON the Aerostar's bumper sticker: "My child is on the
      honor roll at William Wall High School."

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      39.



The guys step out of the car and see for the first time the
Holy Grail of boyhood fantasies: the neon outline of a
topless woman at the entrance to this upscale strip club.
They stop and stare for a beat, before finally getting up the
nerve to walk up to a menacing BOUNCER sitting on a stool
outside the entrance, reading "The Princess Diaries."
                      BOUNCER
            I.d.'s.
They confidently pull out the i.d.'s and hand them over.
                      BOUNCER (CONT'D)
            Richard Runningbear from Hawaii? What
            brings you guys to Cleveland?
              FRED                             MATT
Business.                         Vacation.

                      DEACON
            We're on business, he's on vacation.
He hands the i.d.'s back.
                      BOUNCER
            Well, "tiki-alohi-noa-lohi."
                      DEACON
            Sorry?
                      BOUNCER
            That's Hawaiian for "welcome."
                      FRED
            Right. Of course. We just moved to Hawaii
            a few months ago. Haven't picked up the
            local lingo yet.
They force smiles and wait for the answer...
                      BOUNCER
            Okay. Have a good time, guys.
Deacon grabs the i.d.'s and pushes the other two forward. He
grabs the handle to the door.
                       BOUNCER (CONT'D)
            Oh, and guys.
                (beat)
            Nice lamination job.
                      FRED
            Thanks!
The Bouncer closes the door on them. Busted.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       40.



                         DEACON
               Look. We have to get into this strip bar.
                         MATT
               The next two years of high school depend
               on it.
                         BOUNCER
               How old are you guys?
                         DEACON
               Twenty-seven.
                         FRED
               Thirty-five.
                          MATT
               Sixteen.
     Fred smacks him.
                         BOUNCER
               Sorry, guys.
     Then,
                         DEACON
               We've got money.
     Deacon pulls out a wad of cash. The Bouncer looks around,
     then thinks about it for a second.
51   INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT                                51
     WE TRACK the guys as they slowly move down the dark corridor
     towards the light. Each guy is in his own little world, Matt
     and Fred following Deacon as he takes the first nervous
     steps.
     First the neon lights hit them, then the smell of liquor and
     sweat, the sounds of barroom chatter, and finally the
     grinding blast of MUSIC, so powerful it seems to stop them in
     their tracks. Their eyes bug out.
     SCANTILY-CLAD WAITRESS walking by. As they move further into
     the club, they see actual STRIPPERS soliciting lap dances and
     some TOPLESS DANCERS onstage. Fred smiles ear to ear.
     The guys are locked in a deep primordial trance, broken only
     by the voice of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS.
                         COCKTAIL WAITRESS
               What'll you boys have? Two drink minimum.
                         FRED
               Huh? Oh. I'll have a scotch. Straight up.
               On the rocks.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        41.



She looks at him like he's an idiot.
                    MATT
          I'll have a seven and seven.
                      DEACON
          Uh, same.
She leaves.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          What's a seven and seven?
                    MATT
          I don't know. But I heard that guy over
          there order one and I like the way it
          sounds. Numerical.
The Waitress comes back with their drinks. He pays her and
then they raise their glasses.
                    DEACON
          To After School Special.
                    MATT AND FRED
          To After School Special.
They drink. And CHOKE.
                    MATT
          It tastes like poison.
A beautiful STRIPPER in an American flag bikini approaches.
                    AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          Are you boys interested in a dance?
They look at each other.
                      FRED
          Okay?
She takes Fred's hand and walks him over to a private dance
couch. As the next SONG starts, a curtain lowers around Fred
and the Stripper. Fred is a little freaked out.
IN SILHOUETTE
She strips off her top revealing her big American breasts.
She rubs up and down Fred's body, shaking her hair in his
face. Matt and Deacon watch intently.
                      MATT
          Cool.
BACK TO SCENE

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     42.



The song ends, the curtain comes up, and Fred is smiling ear
to ear. The Stripper gets dressed and Fred pays her.
                    AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          You want another dance?
                    FRED
          Uh, not right now, thank you. I have to
          go to the bathroom.
He tries to get up, but the Stripper stop him.
                    AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          Well how about you buy me a drink?
                      FRED
          Okay.
She sits down on Fred's lap. Right on his boner.
                      FRED (CONT'D)
          Uhhhhh.
                    AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
              (to the waitress)
          Seven and seven.
                    MATT
          You want mine?
She laughs.
                    AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          So what brings you boys to the Pretty
          Kitty?
                    MATT
          We're from Hawaii.
                    DEACON
          Actually, we're filmmakers. We're here
          looking for new talent.
                      AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          Really?
                    DEACON
          Yeah, we're looking for some beautiful
          ladies looking to break into film. You
          interested?
                      AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
          No.
They look defeated.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        43.



                          AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER (CONT'D)
                But I know someone who is.
      A beat, then time stands still once more for our heroes as
      ASHLEY makes her entrance. She looks barely legal, dressed in
      a Catholic school girl outfit, and walks up to them.
                          ASHLEY
                Hi, I'm Ashley. You guys are filmmakers?
                          MATT
                Video actually. They won't let me shoot
                on film.
      Deacon pulls out his wad of cash.
                          DEACON
                Look. We're paying top dollar, hetero
                only, no anal, and we're distributing
                through our web site.
                          ASHLEY
                Aren't you kind of young?
                          DEACON
                Aren't you? You know we're going to need
                two forms of i.d. to prove you're over
                eighteen.
                          ASHLEY
                I'm eighteen. Don't worry.
                          FRED
                Then you're hired.
                          MATT
                Shouldn't we audition her first?
                          ASHLEY
                Don't worry. You guys relax and have a
                few drinks. By the time the night's over,
                you'll know I'm your girl.
      STRIP CLUB MONTAGE:
51A   INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT                                 51A
      - Ashley slinks through the fog onstage and works the pole
      like good girl should: gentle but firm.
      - Various other Strippers (a Swedish stripper named PLANTAIN,
      the American Flag Stripper, a BLACK STRIPPER, and an EXOTIC
      STRIPPER) give the three guys lap dances, dance on the
      carousel, and generally suck up to them.
      - The guys are pounding drinks like there's no tomorrow.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        44.



      - Fred is nuzzling between Plantain's assets.
      - Deacon licks the Exotic Stripper's salty neck and downs a
      tequila shot.
      - The three guys are all on the bar now, doing a
      choreographed dance routine, and stripping to their
      underwear.
51B   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT                                        51B
      - CLOSE ON a trashcan, the guys are throwing up. PULL BACK TO
      REVEAL:
      - Boot and rally. The guys wipe their faces and join a gaggle
      of Strippers heading into an Amusement Park.
51C   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - VARIOUS BOOTHS   - NIGHT                     51C
      - Carney games. Matt wins a stuffed animal for Plantain.
      - Cotton candy, Roller Coaster rides, etc.
51D   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - FUDGE FACTORY - NIGHT                        51D
      - The group is crammed into a booth at the Fudge Factory,
      eating ice cream sundaes. Matt shoots the straw wrapper at
      one stripper. She whips some ice cream at him. Food fight!
51E   EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAWN                                         51E
      - Ashley is dropping the guys off back at Deacon's house in
      the Aerostar. She writes down her information on a picture of
      herself. There's a car full of Strippers waiting for her.
      - Just then, Jake pulls into the driveway next door. He sees
      the Strippers and the guys.
      END MONTAGE.
52    INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY                                           52
      A LADY dressed in sexy clothes and eating chicken wings from
      a huge bucket is waiting around on the set, but Vic is over
      talking to Mike.
                          VIC
                Someone's been recruiting new talent.
                          MIKE
                Jimmy Rimmer says they're from Hawaii.
                          VIC
                Why the hell would someone from Hawaii
                come to Cleveland?

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     45.



                    MIKE
          Vacation? There's the Rock and Roll Hall
          of Fame.
Vic thinks it over.
                    VIC
          That's true.
Vic regains his train of thought.
                    VIC (CONT'D)
          What is this? "F" with Vic month? If any
          more amateurs start moving in on my
          territory, I'm going to get really mad.
Vic opens the drawer and pulls out a GUN. He cocks it
menacingly.
                    MIKE
          Who you gonna shoot?
Vic's bluff has been called. Reluctantly,
                    VIC
          I don't know.
                    MIKE
          Calm down, Vic. I don't need you all
          agitated. You still got five films to
          star in today.
                    VIC
          You're right, Mikey.
Mike takes the gun from Vic and puts it away.
                    MIKE
          Don't worry. I'll find these guys and
          take care of it.
Vic cheers up a bit.
                    VIC
          You hungry?
                    MIKE
          Yeah, I could eat.
                    VIC
          Grab some lunch?
                    MIKE
          Yeah, okay.
The two head out for lunch, leaving the bondage lady sitting
there, confused.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     46.



53   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY                                     53
     Deacon wakes up sick as a dog. All the shades are drawn, but
     Fred and Matt are already hard at work on the computer. They
     seem completely fine, with no signs of Deacon's hangover.
                         DEACON
               What are you guys doing?
                         FRED
               We came up with a great idea. We're going
               to presell the videos by posting the
               scripts on the website.
                         DEACON
               Will that work?
                         MATT
               I don't know. But it's kind of fun. We
               just wrote this whole thing about the
               girls' locker room.
                         FRED
               One thing, though. If our motto is "by
               virgins, for virgins," I was thinking we
               should put a picture of one of us on the
               web site to sort of sell the image.
                         MATT
               You're not putting my picture up there.
                         DEACON
               It doesn't really have to be one of us,
               though, does it?
     He grabs the yearbook.
     INSERT:
     ROGER'S FACE, as Balls McLongcock, proudly displayed on the
     web site, hawking the first feature film (coming soon) of
     After School Special with the motto, "By Virgins, For
     Virgins."
     A quick knock on the door and Deacon's Mom comes in.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Deacon, look who's here. Your friend,
               Jake.
     Jake enters, all smiles.
                           JAKE
               Hi, guys.
     Fred quickly shuts off the monitor.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      47.



                    MRS. LEWIS
          You kids have fun.
And she leaves.
                    JAKE
          What the hell's going on, Sphincter?
                    DEACON
          What are you doing here?
                    JAKE
          I saw the strippers. And some crack whore
          named Saffron came over my house the
          other day looking for you guys.
                    FRED
          We don't know what you're talking about.
Jake takes some pages off the printer.
                    JAKE
          What's this? "Oh, my God. There's a boy
          at the door looking at us naked in the
          shower."
He flips a page.
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          "The A/V Club Secretary lathers all of
          their glistening bodies. 'I'm so dirty,'
          she moans." What the hell kind of crap is
          this? Are you guys running a whorehouse
          or something?
                    DEACON
          No.
                    FRED
          Are you crazy?
                    MATT
          They're not whores if we film them, you
          moron.
Deacon can't believe Matt just blew it. Fred smacks him.
                    JAKE
          You retards are making a porno movie?
                    DEACON
          You can't prove anything.
                    JAKE
          Who's the girl?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     48.



                           MATT
                 A stripper. Her name's Ashley.
     He pulls out Ashley's picture from his manila folder. Jake
     checks it out. His eyes go wide and suddenly he's their new
     best friend.
                           JAKE
                 Who's the guy?
     A beat.
                           JAKE (CONT'D)
                 Well, maybe I could do it.
                           DEACON
                 No, that's not a good idea.
                              JAKE
                 Why not?
                           FRED
                 It's a lot harder than it looks.
                           JAKE
                 You don't think I can do it? Trust me,
                 I've nailed enough girls.
                              DEACON
                 Forget it.
                           JAKE
                 Look, you little butt munch. I want to do
                 this, and if you don't let me, I'll go
                 and tell your mommy what kind of sick
                 shit you're doing.
     Jake looks him over.
54   INT. BASEMENT SET AS "YEARBOOK OFFICE" - DAY                    54
     DARKNESS.
     Click. The lights come on. The big day has come at last. The
     guys are nervously conferring on one side of the room, far
     away from Ashley, who's standing alone, dressed in a
     conservative high school girl's outfit.
     The basement has been transformed into the guys' idea of a
     movie set, complete with lights, camera, tripod, and sound
     equipment. A desk and decoration make the room look roughly
     like the high school yearbook offices.
     Deacon gives Matt a little shove, and Matt takes a long walk
     over to Ashley.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     49.



                    MATT
          So, um, I'll be directing.
                    ASHLEY
          Okay.
                    MATT
          Okay. So I want you to play this very
          understated. It's a very visceral scene,
          so it's important not to play it too over
          the top.
                     ASHLEY
          Uh huh.
              (beat)
          Hey, did you guys shave or something?
Deacon looks at the other two, all three now beardless.
                    DEACON
          Okay. I think we're ready here.
Fred awkwardly picks up the boom and puts his earphones on.
                    MATT
          Boom in position.
                    FRED
          What?
Deacon pushes him over to position.
                    MATT
          Ashley, get into position.
Matt gets behind the camera. They whisper conspiratorially.
One last reality check before they take the leap.
                    FRED
          Are we actually going to do this?
They look over at Ashley. She's waiting.
                    DEACON
          I guess so.
They return to position.
                    MATT
          So, um, we're starting with the
          masturbation and then Phillip, the
          yearbook editor, is going to surprise
          you.
                    ASHLEY
          Okay.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        50.



                          MATT
                And ... action.
                          ASHLEY
                    (wooden)
                These yearbook photos of the Debate Club
                are making me so hot. I can't help
                myself.
      THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY, Ashley slowly strips off her
      clothes. But before we get too good a look, we
      REVERSE ANGLE
      FRED smiles ear to ear.
      DEACON gulps.
      MATT peers out from behind the camera.
                          ASHLEY (O.S.)
                I hope no one catches me because I forgot
                to lock the door. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,
                yeah.
      FRED's smile turns into nervous ogling.
      DEACON crosses his legs and adjusts his shorts.
      MATT wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.
      Deacon whispers,
                            DEACON
                Close up.
                            MATT
                What?
                            DEACON
                Close up.
                          MATT
                Oh yeah. Right.
      And Matt zooms in. Ashley continues moaning and as Matt gets
      closer, the camera starts shaking. He can't keep his hands
      steady.
54A   THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY                                       54A
      We'd love to get a look, but the camera is shaking so much,
      it's just a BLUR.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     51.



54B   REVERSE ANGLE                                                   54B
                          ASHLEY (O.S.)
                Oh! Oh! Oh!
                             MATT
                Okay, CUT!
      She turns off her performance like a light switch.
                          ASHLEY
                What? Did I so something wrong?
      Matt is quivering.
                          MATT
                Uh, no. You were great. I think I've got
                what I need there. I want to set up for
                Jake.
                          FRED
                I need a bathroom break.
                          DEACON
                Not now, Fred. Jake.
      Jake comes out of the bathroom dressed as the yearbook
      editor.
                             MATT
                Action.
      Jake opens a makeshift door to the office.
                          JAKE
                    (wooden)
                Oh, my God. What are you doing?
                          ASHLEY
                I couldn't help myself. Please don't tell
                the principal.
                          JAKE
                Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
                          MATT
                Cut. Perfect. Okay, then. Let's get to
                the, uh, sexual material.
      Jake pulls off his pants and starts to look a little nervous.
      He stands in the corner, trying to psyche himself up.
                          DEACON
                Jake, you okay?
                          JAKE
                Sure. No problem.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        52.



                    MATT
          And ACTION!
But Jake is still standing there, not in the shot. He's
starting to sweat.
                    MATT (CONT'D)
          Action, Jake.
                       JAKE
          Okay.
Still nothing.
                    DEACON
          Come on, Jake. We're filming.
                    JAKE
          All right. Hang on a second.
He has his back to them, but it's obvious his bread hasn't
risen. Fred lets the boom mike sag a bit.
                    FRED
          My arm's getting tired.
                       ASHLEY
          So's his.
                       MATT
          Action...
Jake finally whips off his underwear and faces Ashley.
                       ASHLEY
          That's it?
                    JAKE
          Hey, it's not hard yet.
                    ASHLEY
          I can see that.
Fred snickers and Jake gives him the evil eye.
                    DEACON
          Um, okay. Ashley, maybe you can help him
          out.
She grabs his joint and Jake freezes. He remains motionless,
focusing every ounce of mental control on keeping the
floodgates closed. Approximately one point three seconds
later...
                       ASHLEY
          Aaaahhhh!

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     53.



                    MATT
          Wait! I'm not set up for that shot!
                    FRED
          Can I put down the boom?
                    DEACON
          Jake? What's happened?
Jake, humiliated, runs to put on his shorts.
                    JAKE
          This has never happened before. She got
          me too excited.
                    ASHLEY
          Me? How did you ... without even getting
          hard first?
                    JAKE
              (copping an attitude)
          What do you want to hear? I've got a tiny
          pee-pee? I'm a premature e-jac-u-la-tor?
          Sometimes before I get a boner? Okay?
                    DEACON
          Calm down, Jake. We can shoot this scene
          again. Just relax. We can splice it
          together.
                    MATT
          We'd have to do it like twenty times to
          get enough footage.
                    JAKE
          I'm out of here. And if you dickwads tell
          anybody about this, first I'll kill you,
          and then I'll bust you guys.
He pops the videotape out of the camera, takes it, and
leaves.
                      ASHLEY
          Now what?
The guys regroup, away from Ashley. The moment of truth: How
far are they willing to go?
                    MATT
          Deacon. You do it.
                      DEACON
          No way.
                    MATT
          Come on. This is your big chance.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      54.



                    DEACON
          No. You do it.
A beat.
                     MATT
          Fred.
                     FRED
          What?
                     MATT
          Come on.
                     FRED
          You.
                    MATT
          I have to run the camera.
                    FRED
          Oh, like you're the only one who can do
          that.
                    MATT
              (false bravado)
          Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it for the sake
          of the film. Hold this.
He hands the camera to Deacon and starts taking off his
shirt. The rest of them look at Matt with his shirt off.
                    DEACON
          Matt. Stop it.
                    MATT
          No, I'll do it.
He desperately wants someone to hold him back.
                    FRED
              (grabs him)
          Matt!
They huddle again, worried about whether to go on with this.
                    FRED (CONT'D)
          Look, guys. Maybe we should just pay
          Ashley and chalk this up to a failed
          experiment.
                    MATT
          Fine with me.
                    DEACON
          No. We can get someone else.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       55.



                           FRED
               Who?
                                                              CUT TO:
55   INT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT                                       55
     CLOSE ON the cover of "T&A Enthusiast" magazine. RISE UP to
     reveal a twenty-something MAN thumbing through the issue.
     REVEAL
     Deacon, standing a little too close to him.
                         DEACON
                   (nonchalant)
               Good issue.
     Beat.
                         DEACON (CONT'D)
               You ever think about getting into film?
     Way uncomfortable, the guy puts the magazine down and makes a
     beeline for the door.
                         DEACON (CONT'D)
               Where are you going, man?
     The guy is out the door. Deacon...
56   EXT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT                                       56
     ... runs after him.
                         DEACON
               Don't you want to get it on with a sexy
               lady?!?
     Matt and Fred are sitting on the curb with some slurpies,
     bummed.
                         MATT
               And that guy had real screen presence,
               too.
     Just then, Coop pulls up in his van and gets out.
                         COOP
               Hey, dudes.
     The guys look at each other...
                                                         JUMP CUT TO:
     Moments later, after it's all been explained to Coop.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     56.



                          COOP (CONT'D)
                    (awestruck)
                You guys are gonna be legends of the
                school.

56A   OMITTED                                                         56A
57    INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                      57
      Fred and Matt are huddled around the computer.
                          FRED
                Oh, I've got it. What if the Math Team
                Captain is in detention for something...
                          MATT
                For fixing grades for a girl...
                          FRED
                Yeah, and the cheerleader is in there and
                she's going to get grounded if she fails
                one more test...
      As they talk, Fred types away.
58    EXT. INDIA - DAY                                                 58
      STOCK FOOTAGE: Taj Mahal, etc.
59    INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - BHOPAL, INDIA - NIGHT                  59
      A NERDY INDIAN BOY is totally engrossed in the After School
      Special Website. His eyeglasses reflect the glow of the
      scrolling text of Fred and Matt's current script.
                          CHEERLEADER (V.O.)
                Well, maybe I can pay you some other
                way...
                          INDIAN MOTHER (O.S.)
                Mujibur, dinner is ready!
                          INDIAN BOY
                In a minute!
      ONSCREEN, the mouse pointer clicks "PRE-ORDER."
59A   EXT. FRANCE - DAY                                               59A
      STOCK FOOTAGE: Eiffel Tower, etc.
59B   INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - PARIS, FRANCE - NIGHT                 59B
      A NERDY FRENCH BOY reads the story on his computer.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     57.



                          MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.)
                Now that really computes!
      Click. Pre-order.

59C   OMITTED                                                         59C

59D   OMITTED                                                         59D
60    EXT. JAPAN - DAY                                                 60
      STOCK FOOTAGE: Recognizable Japanese landmarks, etc.
61    INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - KYOTO, JAPAN - NIGHT                   61
      A NERDY JAPANESE BOY reads the story from his PDA.
                          MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.)
                Are you ready for your oral exam?
                          CHEERLEADER (V.O.)
                Oh, God, yes! I never knew math could be
                so stimulating!
      Click. Pre-order.

62    OMITTED                                                          62

63    OMITTED                                                          63
64    EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY                64
      Deacon and his biology class are getting on a school bus.
      Nearby, Naomi is crossing the parking lot when she trips and
      spills her latt´┐Ż on her shirt. People start laughing, but
      Deacon instinctively rushes over to pick up her books.
                          DEACON
                Are you okay?
                          NAOMI
                Yeah. Thanks. I'm so embarrassed.
      She pats at the stain.
                          DEACON
                    (genuine)
                Really? I didn't think you got
                embarrassed about anything.
      She smiles at Deacon, cheered up by the inadvertent
      compliment. The Bus HONKS for Deacon.
                          DEACON (CONT'D)
                Well, I guess I should go.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        58.



      He turns to walk away, when Naomi makes a decision to give
      Deacon a shot.
                          NAOMI
                Deacon, wait. Block me for a second while
                I change my shirt.
                            DEACON
                What?
                          NAOMI
                Facing the other way.
                            DEACON
                Oh.
      He turns around and she changes her shirt behind him. Deacon
      can't help but sneak a peek.
                          NAOMI
                I haven't seen you around here in a
                while.
                          DEACON
                Yeah, I'm working on this project at
                home.
                          NAOMI
                Cool. You can turn around now.
      He turns and sees her new shirt is not yet 100% on.
                          NAOMI (CONT'D)
                Listen. Mark and J.T. are having a party
                tonight. You want to meet me there?
                            DEACON
                Really?
                            NAOMI
                Why not?
                          DEACON
                Okay. Cool.
      The bus HONKS for Deacon again.
65    EXT. AQUARIUM PARK - DAY                                            65
      Matt and Fred charge forward on their 10-speeds through a
      park. They slide to a stop, falling off their bikes, but
      they're too excited to care.
65A   INT. AQUARIUM - DAY                                                65A
      They rush up to Deacon, whose biology class is near the
      Beluga Whale tank.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                  59.



                    MATT
          Deacon, come quick.
Deacon steps away from his class for a moment.
                    DEACON
          Matt, what's wrong?
                    BIOLOGY TEACHER (O.S.)
          Like all mammals, the whale gives birth
          to live young. Can anyone name another
          characteristic of mammals? Vinnie?
                    FRED
          Our site got linked by another bigger
          site. Someone must have seen our stories
          and liked them.
                       DEACON
          And?
                    MATT
          We got a few more pre-orders and a ton of
          hits.
                       DEACON
          How many?
                       MATT
          Guess.
                    DEACON
          A thousand?
                    FRED
          Twelve thousand.
                       DEACON
          Holy shit!
Deacon high-fives the other two. They're all stoked.
                    FRED
          We need to hurry up and make this movie.
                    MATT
          We should go over the schedule for
          tomorrow. And make sure the script is
          ready.
Deacon's smile fades.
                    DEACON
          Uh, I can't tonight guys.
                    FRED
          Why? Where are you going?

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                    60.



                    DEACON
          It's this thing I have to go to.
                    MATT
          Is it a travelling carnival?
                    DEACON
          No. Look, it's this party Naomi invited
          me to.
                    MATT
          Can we come?
Fred picks up on Deacon's hesitation. This isn't good.
                    DEACON
          Uh... Okay. I guess that's cool.
An awkward beat.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          I want you guys to come. It's just, I
          don't know. I kind of had this vibe from
          Naomi.
                    MATT
              (still doesn't get it)
          We can just meet you there.
                    DEACON
          Yeah. Okay. That's cool. Look, it's at
          Mark and J.T. Slistak's house. I'll see
          you guys there. I've got to get back to
          class.
                     MATT
          Later.
Deacon walks back to the group.
                    MATT (CONT'D)
          What are you wearing to the party?
                    FRED
          We're not really going to the party, you
          moron.
                     MATT
          Why not?
                    FRED
          Because I said so.
Matt starts getting agitated.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      61.



                         MATT
               But we told Deacon-- I mean, we can't
               just not show up. What if Deacon is
               looking for us--
     This is too complicated to explain to Matt, so Fred just
     gives in.
                         FRED
               All right. All right. Stop crying
               already. We'll make an appearance.
                            MATT
               Cool.
66   INT. MARK'S HOUSE - NIGHT                                        66
     Amid this raging party, Deacon has taken his rightful place
     with the in-crowd, standing dangerously close to Naomi
     without his usual sidekicks weighing him down. Finally.
                         NAOMI
               You know, Rachael's coming back from
               Paris in a couple of weeks.
                            DEACON
               So?
                         NAOMI
               So, aren't you even a little interested
               in seeing her?
                         DEACON
               No. There's someone else I'd rather
               see...
     He looks into her eyes, waiting to see if the limb he's out
     on is going to break. She smiles. It's working. Just then,
                            MATT
               Hey, guys.
     It's his sidekicks and they've got some seriously bad timing.
     Deacon shoots them an annoyed look.
                         NAOMI
               So what's this project you guys are
               working on?
                         FRED
               We can't really talk about it.
                         JAKE (O.S.)
               Yeah. It's private.
     Jake eyes Deacon intently.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     62.



                         JAKE (CONT'D)
               Why are you hanging around with this
               loser?
                         NAOMI
               What's your problem, Jake?
                         JAKE
               What's yours?
     She storms away. Deacon follows her.
67   EXT. MARK'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT                           67
     Naomi is out on the patio.
                         DEACON
               What was that all about?
                         NAOMI
               He really pisses me off. Jake is such an
               asshole.
                         DEACON
               Tell me about it.
                         NAOMI
               When we were going out, he was so mean to
               me all the time. I think he's
               compensating for his little dick that
               never even gets hard.
     Deacon chokes on his drink.
                         DEACON
               Well at least you were smart enough to
               dump him. I mean, you deserve someone who
               will treat you ... I don't know. Really
               well.
                         NAOMI
               You know what you are?
     Deacon gets a little nervous.
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
               You're a nice guy.
     She kisses him on the cheek. Deacon looks at her, then steels
     himself to make a decision. He kisses her!
     She's surprised, but not unwilling.
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
               Deacon?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        63.



                         DEACON
               I've been wanting to do that for a long
               time.
                         NAOMI
               So why didn't you?
     Most guys would look away at this point, with a fabulous babe
     with pouty lips staring you down. But Deacon passes the test:
     he stands his ground and kisses her again. She likes it.
     AT A WINDOW, Jake sees them kissing. He doesn't like it.
     AT ANOTHER WINDOW, Fred sees it, too. And for a completely
     different reason, he doesn't like it either.
68   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                            68
     The set is finally ready: Ashley is lying on the bed in a
     robe, the lights and camera are set, and Matt and Fred are
     adjusting the video camera. The only thing missing is an
     actor. Deacon ENTERS.
                         DEACON
               Hey, where's Coop?
                         FRED
               He was supposed to be here a half hour
               ago.
                         MATT
               Maybe he got sucked into a black hole.
     He chuckles to himself.
                         DEACON
               Good one, Spock. I can't understand why
               you're not more popular with the ladies.
                         MATT
               Look, we're wasting time. Deacon, why
               don't you just go in there?
     Deacon balks at first, then looks over at Ashley, lying
     there.
                            MATT (CONT'D)
               Come on...
                         DEACON
               Okay. Okay. All right already.
     He pulls off his shirt and approaches Ashley with a pizza box
     from out of nowhere.
                         MATT
               And action!

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     64.



Matt starts filming while Ashley pulls Deacon near her.
                    ASHLEY (O.S.)
          Maybe I can pay for the pizza some other
          way...
We hear Deacon's ZIPPER opening offscreen as Deacon rolls his
eyes and reluctantly delivers his line:
                    DEACON
          And maybe I could throw in the sausage
          for free.
Deacon shows no enthusiasm for what's happening down below.
                    MATT
          Fred, you get in there, too.
                    FRED
          Are you sure?
                    MATT
          Yeah, it'll be a great shot.
Fred takes off his shorts and walks over to the other side of
the bed. Ashley is offscreen, presumably lying on the bed.
The two guys are facing each other.
                    FRED
          Hey.
                    DEACON
          S'up?
                    FRED
          How's it going?
Deacon shrugs.
                    FRED (CONT'D)
          Hey, did you see that show on Sci Fi
          about sun spots?
                    DEACON
          Yeah. They said there's going to be a
          massive eruption next year.
Fred starts laughing.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          What?
                    FRED
          You said "massive eruption."
Deacon starts laughing, too.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     65.



                         MATT
               Hey, quit the chatter.
                            FRED
               Sorry.
                         MATT
               Hey, why don't you guys kiss?
                            DEACON
               What?
                         MATT
               You know. Make out with each other.
                            DEACON
               What?
                            FRED
               All right.
     Fred goes in to kiss Deacon, who's thoroughly confused.
     Deacon holds him back with his hand.
                         DEACON
               Wait. Why do you want us to kiss?
                         MATT (O.S.)
               Because that's what guys do in gay porn.
                            DEACON
               What?
     Deacon looks over at the camera. It's Ashley filming. PANIC!
     He slowly looks down at the person he and Fred are having sex
     with. He can barely look. It's Matt!
                         MATT
               More sausage please.
                         DEACON
               Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
                                                           CUT TO:
69   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                   69
     Deacon bolts up out of bed. Nightmare. Thank God.
70   INT. BASEMENT SET AS "MOVIE THEATER" - DAY                      70
     Deacon enters and the scene looks very much like the dream:
     Ashley on the bed and Matt and Fred waiting around.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     66.


The set is made up to look like a movie theater, complete
with rows of seats, a bed sheet "screen," and a massive 5,000
watt light. Deacon is still a little agitated.
                    DEACON
          Where the hell is Coop? There's no way
          I'm making out with Fred.
Then Coop comes out of the bathroom and sees everyone staring
at Deacon.
                    COOP
          What's going on?
                    ASHLEY
          Deacon is talking about making out with
          Fred.
                    FRED
          No way. I'm holding the mike and that's
          it.
                    COOP
          I thought we were doing straight porn.
                    ASHLEY
          If you guys want to do gay porn, you
          still have to pay me.
                    DEACON
          Hang on. Relax. It was just this stupid
          dream I had.
                    MATT
          You dreamed about making out with Fred?
                    DEACON
          No. Well, yes. And we were both having
          sex with you. But it was just a dream so
          let's forget it.
Everyone is a little uneasy at this admission. Deacon quickly
changes the subject.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          What's with the light?
                    MATT
          It's a "special effect." If you want this
          film to look amateurish, you're going to
          have to get someone else to do it.
                    DEACON
          Okay. Relax.
                    FRED
          Come on. Let's do it already.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        67.



                    MATT
          Action.
Matt starts his cheesy "projector light effect" and Coop
takes a seat next to Ashley.
                    ASHLEY
          This summer tent-pole event-movie is
          making me so scared.
                    COOP
          Hide your head down here and I'll tell
          you when it's safe to come up.
As she starts to go down, we turn our attention...
ON FRED and DEACON, away from the action.
                    FRED
              (snide; whispers)
          How's Naomi?
                    DEACON
          Fine.
                    COOP (O.S.)
          Not yet. This is the really scary part.
                    DEACON
              (whispers)
          Hey. Can I ask you a question?
Fred shrugs. The memory of the nightmare is wreaking havoc
with Deacon's conscience.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          Do you ever think maybe we've gotten
          ourselves in a little over our heads with
          all of this?
                    COOP (O.S.)
          Oh, baby. Not yet.
Fred appears to be pondering the question deeply. His face
slowly contorts to a look of seeming anguish. Then,
                    FRED
          Fire!
The coiled cord to the massive light is burning a circular
hole in the smouldering carpet.
                    COOP
          Unplug the light!
Deacon moves to unplug it.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        68.



                          MATT
                Wait, it's hot!
      Too late. Deacon touches the cord, SCREAMS, and reels back,
      knocking the light over.
      It EXPLODES onto the floor. The carpet bursts into FLAMES.
                          FRED
                Run!
      Ashley and Coop run up the stairs. Fred isn't far behind.
                          MATT
                Quick, get the fire extinguisher!
                          DEACON
                Where is it?
                          MATT
                Over there!
      He spots it in the corner and grabs it. Meanwhile the flames
      are growing.
      Deacon comes over and aims the extinguisher at the flames. He
      depresses the lever. Nothing.
                          DEACON
                It's not working!
      Matt thinks about it for a second.
                          MATT
                Oh. Me and Fred used it when we wrote the
                foamy cat fight script last week.
71    INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                         71
      Matt and Fred are giggling and prancing around the room in
      bikinis discharging the fire extinguishers at each other.
72    INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                             72
      Deacon looks at him strangely for a beat, then runs into the
72A   INT. BASEMENT - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS)                    72A
      He looks around frantically. Nothing. Then, he starts the
      WASHING MACHINE. It slowly starts to fill up.
                          MATT (O.S.)
                Hurry!
      Deacon turns the dial to "large load," pauses and chuckles to
      himself.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        69.



                          DEACON
                Large load.
                          MATT (O.S.)
                Deacon! Hurry!
      Deacon snaps out of it and grabs the laundry detergent
      bottle. He scoops up some water and RUNS into the other room.
72B   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY (CONTINUOUS)                               72B
      He throws the soapy water onto the fire and Matt. The fire
      goes out, but Matt's not too happy about getting soaked.
73    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY (CONTINUOUS)                    73
      Coop is looking down the stairs to the basement. Fred is
      freaking out. Ashley is still topless but covering herself
      up, having just put on her panties. She goes to put on her
      shirt when
                          MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
                What's going on here?
      DEACON'S PARENTS
      are standing in the doorway to the kitchen with Max, whose
      arm is in a splint. Max stares at Ashley. She covers herself
      some more.
      Then, Deacon and Matt enter the kitchen from downstairs.
                             MAX
                Nice rack.
                          DEACON
                Mom! Dad! What are you doing home?
                          MRS. LEWIS
                Max sprained his wrist at soccer
                practice. What is going on here?
                          MR. LEWIS
                Well, I'm sure there's a reasonable
                explanation why there's a naked girl in
                our kitchen. Right, Deacon?
      Deacon isn't too sure.
                             MRS. LEWIS
                Well...
                             DEACON
                I, uh...
      Deacon's mind is racing. Then,

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     70.



                    ASHLEY
          I'm Deacon's girlfriend. Ashley.
          MRS. LEWIS                       MR. LEWIS            *
His girlfriend?                  His girlfriend?                *

                    DEACON
          Yes, my girlfriend.
                    MRS. LEWIS
          And what were you doing with your clothes
          off in my kitchen?
                    ASHLEY
          We were having a make out party.
                    MRS. LEWIS
          Where are the other girls?
                    DEACON
          Their dates stood them up?
                    COOP
          Yeah. My date wasn't feeling well.
                    FRED
          Mine has mono. From too much making out.
          With me.
                    MRS. LEWIS
          What's that smell?
                    MATT
          We had a small fire, Mrs. Lewis. I tipped
          over a candle. It was to set the right
          mood.
                    MR. LEWIS
          A fire? Let me see the damage.
                    DEACON
          Dad, don't. Let me take responsibility.
          We'll pay to have it fixed.
Deacon's Dad looks at Ashley again. He can't hide his pride.
                    MR. LEWIS
          Damn right you will.
                    MRS. LEWIS
          Well, Ashley. I didn't know Deacon even
          had a girlfriend.
                    MR. LEWIS
          Maybe you can join us for dinner tonight.
Ashley looks at Deacon. Deacon's Mom glares at Dad.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     71.



                           DEACON
                 I think Ashley's busy tonight--
                            ASHLEY
                 Okay.
     Oh, shit.
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 Okay, then.
74   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT                           74
     Ashley is eating dinner with the Lewises. Max keeps staring
     at her. Mr. Lewis steals a few glances of Ashley himself
     while continuing his work-related rant.
                           MR. LEWIS
                 So get this. Johnson comes up to me today
                 and he's all like "where's the ND-90's?"
                 I'm like, "Johnson, they discontinued the
                 ND-90 like six weeks ago." I've been
                 telling this guy...
                           ASHLEY
                 Johnson sounds like a moron.
                            MR. LEWIS
                 Exactly!
     Mr. Lewis is psyched that someone is finally paying attention
     to him. Mrs. Lewis doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 So, Ashley. If I could ask you a personal
                 question, exactly how old are you?
                           ASHLEY
                 Nineteen. But I tell people eighteen.
     Deacon laughs nervously.
                           DEACON
                 Isn't that funny?
     The doorbell rings.
                           DEACON (CONT'D)
                 I'll get it.
     FOYER
     Deacon open the door. It's Naomi.
                           DEACON
                 What are you doing here?

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     72.



                    NAOMI
          I thought I'd come by and surprise you.
          Maybe we could hang out in your bedroom.
She looks at him seductively. Deacon looks over his shoulder.
                    DEACON
          Now's not a good time.
                    NAOMI
          What's wrong?
                    DEACON
          Nothing. Let's talk later.
He tries to close the door, but she stops it.
                    MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
          Deacon, who is it?
Too late. Naomi comes in.
                    NAOMI
          Hi, Mrs. Lewis. I'm Naomi. I'm Deacon's
          girlfriend.
And with that she looks at Deacon, figuring she just made his
day. It fails, however, to achieve the desired effect.
                    MRS. LEWIS
          His girlfriend?
She looks at Deacon. Max pokes his head through.
                    MAX
          Deacon has two girlfriends?
                    DEACON
          Shut up, Max!
                    NAOMI
          What do you mean? What's going on?
                    MAX
          Deacon's other girlfriend is having
          dinner with us.
                    DEACON
          I can explain.
Naomi walks into the kitchen with Max.
                    MAX
          This is Deacon's other girlfriend,
          Ashley.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     73.



                         MR. LEWIS
               His other girlfriend?
     Dad's beaming with pride. The two girls size each other up.
                           ASHLEY
               Hi.
                         NAOMI
               Oh, my God. How old are you, you slut?
                           ASHLEY
               Eighteen.
                         NAOMI
               I thought you were a nice guy.
     Naomi storms out of the house. Deacon follows, then Ashley.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               You need to have a talk with him. He
               could be having S-E-X.
                         MR. LEWIS
               I need to give him a goddamn medal.
                   (she storms off)
               What?
     FOYER
     Deacon watches Naomi go. Ashley consoles him.
                         ASHLEY
               Let her go.
                         DEACON
               Are you insane? I've been fantasizing
               about Naomi Feldman since the seventh
               grade.
                         ASHLEY
               Fantasy and reality are two different
               things, Deacon. Don't fall in love with
               who you think she is. You have to be sure
               you love the real person.
                         DEACON
               So what should I do?
                         ASHLEY
               Go after her then. Or don't. Whatever.
     He looks at Ashley for a beat, then goes after Naomi.
75   EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                             75
     Naomi and Deacon are arguing under a street light.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        74.



                         NAOMI
               She's a porno actress in your porno film.
               She had to pretend to be your girlfriend
               because she ran upstairs naked when the
               light caused a fire. And you've never had
               sex with her or even kissed her.
                         DEACON
               Yeah, pretty much.
     He looks down.
                         DEACON (CONT'D)
               So, I guess this means you're not my
               girlfriend anymore.
                         NAOMI
               Not necessarily.
     She looks at him with newfound interest.
                         NAOMI (CONT'D)
               I want to come to the set tomorrow.
                         DEACON
               No, I don't think that's a good idea.
                         NAOMI
               Why not? I'm curious. I've never seen a
               porno movie actually being made.
                         DEACON
               Matt and Fred will get really mad. We're
               not supposed to tell anyone.
                         NAOMI
               Tell them I'm a ... creative consultant.
               For the female point of view.
                         DEACON
               No offense, but the female point of view
               doesn't really matter in these films.
     She looks at him, pouting.
                         DEACON (CONT'D)
               Okay. Okay.
76   CLOSE ON a computer monitor displaying the A.S.S. Website.         76
     The cursor is clicking through the various pages: text
     stories, pictures of the set, still photos of Ashley and
     Coop, etc. But more importantly, the "hits" counter looks
     like the odometer on a rocket ship.
     PULL BACK to reveal...

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        75.



76A   INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY                                          76A
      Mike is surfing the web while eating a large bratwurst
      sandwich. Vic enters in his signature robe.
                          MIKE
                This After School Special shit is
                amazing. They're getting a ton of hits
                off their stupid stories and they don't
                even have any product.
                          VIC
                Are you sure those are the guys from the
                Pretty Kitty?
                          MIKE
                It's the same guys. Bingo. I just found
                out where they live.
                          VIC
                Give me that address. I'm gonna teach
                these assholes a little lesson about the
                adult film business.
      He takes the piece of paper and storms out the door.
                          MIKE
                Vic!
      He pops back in.
                          MIKE (CONT'D)
                You going like that?
      Vic looks down at his robe.
                          VIC
                Oh, yeah. Thanks Mike.
      Vic puts his slippers on. They do the jive hand shake and hug
      thing again.
77    INT. VIC'S CAR, PARKED - DAY                                        77
      Vic checks the address of the house against the print out.
                          VIC
                Goddamn amateurs. Think they can screw
                with Vic Ramalot.
                          MIKE
                Let's do this.
78    EXT. STREET - DAY                                                   78
      They get out of the car and Mike places the gun in his pants.
      They walk up to the front door and bang. It opens, revealing

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      76.



MR. GREITZER.
                    VIC
          You Greitzer?
                    GREITZER
          Yes. That's me.
Vic's a little confused. He looks at the piece of paper.
                    VIC
          Ronald J. Greitzer?
                    GREITZER
          Yes. That's right.
Then, a spark of understanding.
                    VIC
          Oh, I get it. Brilliant. You're not even
          a fuckin' kid.
Mike pulls the gun out and puts it to Greitzer's head.
Greitzer drops his glass of soda, raises his hands, and
starts shaking, terrified.
                    GREITZER
          What are you doing?
                    VIC
          What am I doing? I'm retiring you from
          the porno business. Permanently.
          Understand?
                    GREITZER
          Yes. Yes. Please don't hurt me.
                    VIC
          No more sweet young pussy, no more hot
          school-girl fantasies, no more goddamn
          pornos "for virgins by virgins." You got
          me?
Greitzer's eyes dart over to the side, and for the first
time, Vic steps into the house and sees: LITTLE GIRLS.
It's Greitzer's little daughter's birthday party. Six-year-
old GIRLS and their stunned PARENTS all stare at Vic.
Greitzer's wife comes over, screaming and crying.
                    GREITZER'S WIFE
          Please don't hurt my husband!
                    VIC
          Uh...

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        77.



                         GREITZER
               I'm sorry! I'll never rent them again! It
               was only that one time my wife was at her
               sister's! Please! I promise you!
                         GREITZER'S WIFE
               You rented a dirty movie? You told me it
               was Jakob the Liar!
     Mike lowers the gun and they start backing out of there.
                         GREITZER
               What? I shouldn't be entitled to a little
               joy in life?
                         GREITZER'S WIFE
               Now look at the trouble you've brought to
               this house.
                         GREITZER
               And I'm supposed to know the Religious
               Right would come after me for renting an
               adult film?
     As they continue to fight, Vic and Mike run back to the car.
79   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY                                79
     Dress rehearsals. Naomi is sitting at the kitchen table
     talking to Ashley, who's wearing a sexy cheerleader outfit.
     Deacon is at the microwave making popcorn.
                         NAOMI
               Five hundred dollars a night?
                         ASHLEY
               Yeah, but if you can break into films,
               like these ones, you can get featured
               dancing gigs and make ten times that
               much.
                         NAOMI
               No way.
                         ASHLEY
               Seriously. If these guys ever get their
               act together.
     Matt stumbles in carrying a pile of scripts. Fred walks in
     behind him and sees Naomi.
                         FRED
               What is she doing here?
                         DEACON
               Naomi is my girlfriend.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       78.



Fred exchanges a glance with Matt.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          And I wanted her to help out. Give the
          script a female point of view.
Fred pulls Deacon aside.
                    FRED
          Jesus, Deacon. Didn't you see that
          Beatles documentary on the History
          Channel? You're pulling a Yoko Ono on us.
                    DEACON
          What?
                    FRED
          Fine. Whatever. Let's get started. I'm
          sure she'll be really helpful.
Coop comes out of the bathroom dressed as the Math Team
Captain, complete with nerd glasses, pocket protector, etc.
                    COOP
          Oh, hey, Naomi.
                    NAOMI
          Hey, Coop. Are you helping these guys,
          too?
                    COOP
              (sheepishly)
          Sort of.
                    MATT
          Okay, people. Places everybody. Let's try
          to do this with a little heart, okay? And
          action.
Everyone turns to their scripts and starts the rehearsal.
                    ASHLEY
          This quadratic equation is so hard.
                    COOP
          Well, maybe we should just stick to long
          division.
Coop drops his corduroys and Naomi gasps. She stares at
Coop's "slide rule" for a beat, then snaps out of it.
                    NAOMI
          Wait a second. Cut. This is all wrong.
          She wouldn't be fantasizing about some
          geek.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     79.



                    MATT
          He's not a geek. He's the Math Team
          Captain.
                    NAOMI
          No, he should be really well-dressed, and
          maybe he's a foreign exchange student
          from Portugal.
                    MATT
          Um, and the director is the only one
          who's allowed to say "cut."
                    FRED
          Who cares, Naomi?
                    NAOMI
          Deacon agrees with me, don't you?
Matt and Fred look at Deacon.
                    COOP
          Dudes, come on. My nuts are getting cold.
                    ASHLEY
          I'm out of here.
                    NAOMI
          Shut up, Coop. This is important.
                    COOP
              (swings his arms out)
          And my nuts aren't?
Coop's hand accidentally smacks Ashley in the nose as she's
getting up. She SCREAMS.
                    DEACON
          Are you okay?
                    COOP
          I'm sorry, Ashley.
She's pissed, holding her nose.
                    ASHLEY
          Look. This is ridiculous. Who does dress
          rehearsals for a porno shoot?
                    MATT
          Oh, sure. Why don't we throw out the
          script while we're at it and "improvise."

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     80.



                         ASHLEY
               Guys, I appreciate the money. It's nice
               to get paid for sitting around doing
               nothing, but this isn't helping my
               career. I've got no footage for my reel.
     She packs up.
                         FRED
               Where are you going?
                         ASHLEY
               Sorry.
     She leaves.
                         COOP
               Ashley, wait. I'm sorry. Ashley!
     Then, he blurts out something unexpected:
                         COOP (CONT'D)
                   (calling after her)
               I love you!
     Coop exchanges an awkward glance with the guys: he's said too
     much. He goes after Ashley, with his pants still around his
     ankles and his bare ass in full display.
     He stumbles on his pants and falls on his face. He gets up
     quickly and continues after her, still with his pants down.
                         FRED
               Now what are we going to do? Your
               "girlfriend" ruined everything.
                         DEACON
               Coop's the one that smacked her.
                         NAOMI
               Besides, if you losers knew anything
               about women, we wouldn't have this
               problem.
                         FRED
               Who asked you?
                         NAOMI
               I don't have to take this.
     She storms off, leaving Deacon there to make a decision. He
     looks at Matt and Fred for a beat, then follows Naomi. Fred
     and Matt are crushed.
80   EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - DAY                                80
     Ashley is walking through the parking lot on the way to work.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        81.



                         MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
               Ashley?
     It's Deacon's Mom, in the adjacent lot. She walks over to
     her.
                         ASHLEY
               Mrs. Lewis!
                         MRS. LEWIS
               What are you doing here?
                         ASHLEY
               I, um, I'm... I'm going where you're
               going.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               To yoga class?
                         ASHLEY
               Yes. Exactly.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               I haven't seen you in class before.
                         ASHLEY
               It's my first time.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Well, that's great, Ashley. You're really
               going to love it.
     She escorts her towards the yoga class building.
                         MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D)
               It's really easy, but if you can't keep
               up, just follow my lead.
                                                           CUT TO:
81   INT. YOGA CLASS - DAY                                              81
     The entire class of slackjawed MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN yoga
     students stare in disbelief. Even the instructor is amazed.
     ASHLEY
     is essentially folded in half, her legs pinned well beyond
     her ears. She's obviously been in this position before.
82   INT. YOGA CLASS - LATER                                            82
     The women are gathering their things after class, some still
     eyeing Ashley jealously.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                 82.



                         MRS. LEWIS
               You're quite flexible, Ashley.
                         ASHLEY
               Yeah, people tell me that all the time.
               You know, I could teach you some of those
               moves. Mr. Lewis would love it.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Oh. Okay. Maybe later. Listen, Ashley. I
               want to ask you something... personal.
               About you and Deacon.
                            ASHLEY
               Uh huh.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               You know Deacon is only seventeen.
                            ASHLEY
               Uh huh.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Right. So I was just wondering. You know.
               If you and Deacon... Well, if Deacon and
               you were...
                            ASHLEY
               Um, no.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Good. Good. That's very good.
     She gives Ashley a warm little hug.
                         ASHLEY
               Listen, Mrs. Lewis. You don't have to
               worry about Deacon. He's a good kid. If
               you just let him make his own mistakes in
               life, he's going to turn out fine.
83   INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                83
     Deacon and Naomi are under the covers, making out.
                         NAOMI
               So, do you have anything?
                            DEACON
               Like what?
                         NAOMI
               You know. Protection.
                         DEACON
               Oh. Oh yeah. Of course.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        83.



She sees he's nervous.
                    NAOMI
          Don't you want to?
                    DEACON
          Of course I do.
                    NAOMI
          Then what's the problem?
Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for the
taking. A long beat. Then,
                    DEACON
          It's my first time.
                    NAOMI
          That's okay. Just go slow.
And he does. He's nervous at first, not sure what to do. But
as she kisses him softly, suddenly we start to hear the slow
fade in of PORNO MUSIC playing in Deacon's head. (Now that
Deacon's actually having sex, it's involunarily triggering
the only thing he knows about sex: porno movies.) The music
grows louder when:
                    FRED (V.O.)
              (in Deacon's head)
          Every two minutes, they change positions.
He pauses, and cocks his head in confusion. He tries to shake
Fred's voice out of his head, but he can't.
                    FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          It's a basic rule of porno.
Finally, he gives in to the porno music. He rolls Naomi on
top of him.
                                                  JUMP CUT TO:
They're doing it standing up against the door.
                    FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          The door. Always a classic.
                                                  JUMP CUT TO:
Deacon sweeps away all the stuff from her desk and lifts her
up on it. Naomi likes it.
                    ASHLEY (V.O.)
          Fantasy and reality are two different
          things.
                                                  JUMP CUT TO:

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       84.



      Naomi's HAND presses up against the window. It slowly falls
      to the ground.
                          FRED (V.O.)
                It's a basic rule of porno.
                                                          JUMP CUT TO:
      Back on the bed, Naomi is in a state of complete bliss,
      having had her first ever orgasm.
                          ASHLEY (V.O.)
                Fantasy and reality are two different
                things...
      But Deacon doesn't share Naomi's contentment. He looks
      troubled.
83A   INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT                     83A
      The next night, Deacon is talking to Ashley backstage as
      she's getting ready to go on.
                          DEACON
                I don't know. It was weird. Is it
                supposed to be so weird?
                          ASHLEY
                Of course it was weird. True love can
                only exist between two women.
      Deacon is stunned.
                          ASHLEY (CONT'D)
                Just kidding. I don't know, Deacon. Do
                you like this girl?
      He hesitates a bit too long.
                          DEACON
                Of course I do.
                          ASHLEY
                Your heart is telling you that you don't.
                And I think it's time you start listening
                to your heart.
      Deacon still doesn't get it.
                          ASHLEY (CONT'D)
                Look. I have to go on. Just do whatever
                you want. Or don't. Whatever.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        85.



84   INT. DAVE'S DUPES - DAY                                            84
     Vic and Mike wait at the counter for his video copies of
     volume 28. DAVE (cameo for the director, DME) comes to the
     counter with a box.
                         VIC
               Thanks, Dave.
                         DAVE
               Vic.
     He turns to leave just as another GUY (cameo for the writer,
     DHS) comes up to Dave with a pad of paper.
                         VIDEO DUPE GUY
               Hey, Dave, there's a guy on the phone who
               wants to set up a new account.
                         DAVE
               What's it for?
                         VIDEO DUPE GUY
               Some outfit called After School Special.
     They turn back.
                         MIKE
               What did you just say?
                         VIDEO DUPE GUY
               Nothing. It's for another customer.
     Mike grabs him by the collar and pulls him over to Vic.
                         VIC
               Did you say "After School Special"?
     Mike grabs the paper, drops the guy, and he and Vic rush out
     of the store. After they're gone:
                         VIDEO DUPE GUY
               Shit, man. You must be crazy.
                   (calling after them)
               Better watch your back, homie! You might
               get smoked!
85   INT. PEACHTREE & FINCH - DAY                                       85
     Naomi is dragging Deacon into the store featuring posters of
     buff male models with nut-hugging boxer briefs.
                         DEACON
               What are we doing here?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     86.



                         NAOMI
               What? I thought you might want some new
               clothes.
                         DEACON
               I don't need any new clothes.
                         NAOMI
               And guess what? I booked facials for us
               at the Serenity Spa.
                         DEACON
               Naomi. Wait. Stop.
     He stops her.
                         NAOMI
               What's wrong?
                          DEACON
               I have to meet up with Matt and Fred this
               afternoon. I already blew them off
               yesterday.
                         NAOMI
               Deacon, you don't have to hang out with
               those guys any more. Besides, you really
               need a facial. And I mean, I thought we
               could spend the day together. You know,
               after last night.
                         DEACON
               But what about Matt and Fred?
                         NAOMI
               Well what about me?
     She pouts. She has him under her thumb. He takes her hand and
     continues into the store.
86   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                         86
     Deacon walks in really late, but wearing a hot new Peachtree
     & Finch outfit. And his skin seems to glow. Matt and Fred
     glare at him from the far end of the couch.
                         DEACON
               What's going on? Are we going to find
               another girl?
                   (off their look)
               What?
                         FRED
               Matt and I have been talking.
                         DEACON
               Yeah. About what?

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                87.



                          MATT
                We want to make this movie.
                          DEACON
                I know. I do, too.
                          FRED
                No, Deacon. We want to make the movie we
                wrote. We want to make it without you.
                          DEACON
                Okay. I know what this is about, guys.
                I'm sorry about Naomi.
                          FRED
                That's not the problem, Deacon.
                          DEACON
                Then what is it?
                          FRED
                I thought this was about us having fun
                and doing something crazy together. But
                as soon as you got what you wanted, you
                blew us off.
                          DEACON
                You don't understand.
      Fred cuts to the chase.
                          FRED
                Do you even like her?
      Deacon is about to tell them. Then,
                          DEACON
                Fine. Go ahead without me.
                          FRED
                Fine.
      Matt and Fred get up and leave.

86A   OMITTED                                                    86A

86B   OMITTED                                                    86B

86C   OMITTED                                                    86C

86D   OMITTED                                                    86D

86E   OMITTED                                                    86E

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        88.



87    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT                               87
      The family eats dinner in silence. Deacon feels like shit.
                            MRS. LEWIS
                  So, Deacon. How'd you think you did on
                  your midterms?
                              DEACON
                  Fine.
                            MAX
                  I found a dead bird on the soccer field.
                  Its head was missing.
      Deacon's Dad pushes away his plate and gets up.
                            MR. LEWIS
                  I have to go back to the office tonight.
                  Johnson screwed the pooch again.
                              MRS. LEWIS
                  Whatever.
88    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT                                88
      Deacon's Dad gets into the Aerostar. He turns on the radio,
      which blasts a ROCKING SONG. He quickly changes it back to an
      EASY LISTENING TUNE.
88A   EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT                                           88A
      He pulls in to the lot and parks. He steps out of the car and
      starts to walk to his office. Only it's not his office.
      It's...
89    EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)                     89
      He passes the Bouncer, still reading Aristotle's Ethics.
                              BOUNCER
                  Enjoy.
90    INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT                      90
      Ashley is changing into her school girl outfit.
                            PLANTAIN
                  Ash, you ready? You're up now.
90A   INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT                                 90A
      DEACON'S DAD enters the club and pays the cashier.
      INTERCUT:

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       89.



90B   ASHLEY sprays glitter on her body backstage.                      90B
90C   DEACON'S DAD takes a seat right up front.                         90C
                          D.J. (O.S.)
                ... they work hard for their money, guys,
                so let's tip them good. All right. Now,
                on the main carousel, let's give it up
                for the naughty school girl. ASHLEY!
      Applause. Ashley struts out through the cloud of stage FOG,
      right up to Deacon's Dad...
      ... who's turned around, ordering a drink. He turns back to
      see...
      ... Ashley's back, as she swings around the pole. She struts
      by each of the men in the front row, reaching down to take
      dollar bills out of their hands. She walks over to Deacon's
      Dad...
      ... but he's tipping the waitress. She does another spin
      around the pole...
      and lands in a split, face to face with...
      ... Deacon's Dad, who happens to have a crisp dollar bill
      between his teeth.
      They immediately recognize each other and FREEZE. A long
      beat. Then:
                          MR. LEWIS
                Hello, naughty school girl whom I've
                never met before.
                          ASHLEY
                You, too, are someone whose kitchen I've
                never been in.
      Another beat, then she grabs the bill out of his teeth, and
      quickly moves away.
91    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT                     91
      Dad walks upstairs, still a little stunned.
                          MRS. LEWIS
                You get everything done at work?
                          MR. LEWIS
                Yeah. All set.
                          MRS. LEWIS
                Oh, guess who I ran into? Deacon's
                girlfriend, Ashley.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     90.



     Dad freezes.
                         MR. LEWIS
               Where did you see Ashley?
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Over on Industrial Way.
                         MR. LEWIS
               You were on Industrial?
                         MRS. LEWIS
               You know, she is so flexible. It's really
               amazing some of the positions that girl
               can twist herself into.
                         MR. LEWIS
               What?!?
                         MRS. LEWIS
               She even offered to teach me. So I could
               move like that.
                         MR. LEWIS
               Yeah, that would be great! I mean, if
               you're into that.
                         MRS. LEWIS
               Maybe. I like her. I know she's a little
               older, but I think she's good for Deacon.
                         MR. LEWIS
               You do?
     Just then, Deacon walks past them down the hallway towards
     his bedroom. Dad eyes him with a rare combination of fatherly
     concern and male jealously.
92   INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                                   92
     Deacon walks past his desk and something catches his eye. He
     stops to look at a picture of himself with Fred and Matt from
     fifth grade. He looks really happy in the picture.
     Then, he sees a strip of photo booth pictures taken yesterday
     with Naomi. She's hamming it up for the camera, but you can
     tell from his expression, they don't belong together.
     He tosses the Naomi picture onto the desk.
93   EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT                         93
     Deacon stands by the water skipping rocks with Matt and Fred.
                         FRED
               So, what did you want to talk to us
               about?

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     91.



                    DEACON
          I wanted to say I'm sorry.
                      FRED
          For what?
                    DEACON
          For blowing you guys off.
                    MATT
          That's okay, Deacon.
                    DEACON
          No, it's not. It's just sometimes I feel
          like the whole world is passing us by and
          we're just sitting still. I don't know.
          Anyway, I'm sorry.
                     FRED
          You know, you can be a real dick
          sometimes.
Then, Fred smiles. Deacon knows they're cool with each other.
                    DEACON
          Naomi and I did it the other night.
                      MATT
          No way!
                    FRED
          You're kidding, right?
                    DEACON
          No, it's true.
                    FRED
          How was it?
                      DEACON
          Good.   At first. But then I kept   thinking
          about   all the pornos. Trying to   hit the
          right   spots, positions. I don't   know.
          After   a while it kind of seemed   like
          work.
                    MATT
          I find that extremely difficult to
          believe.
Deacon laughs.
                    FRED
          So what now? Do we make this thing?

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       92.



                         DEACON
               I don't know. Maybe we should just call
               it quits.
                            ASHLEY (O.S.)
               Hey, guys.
     Ashley walks up to them. She looks hotter than ever, in a
     tiny midriff shirt and short shorts.
                         DEACON
               What are you doing here?
                         ASHLEY
               I need you.
                            FRED
               What?
                         ASHLEY
               I need you to make this movie. For my
               reel.
                         DEACON
               Well, actually we were--
                         ASHLEY
               Ooh, look. An eyelash.
     For the third time, time stands still as Ashley gently pulls
     the errant eyelash from Deacon's eye and offers it up to him.
                         ASHLEY (CONT'D)
               Make a wish.
     Deacon is too entranced to close his eyes, but he does take
     the opportunity to blow the eyelash off her hand. She smiles
     and brushes back a strand of hair from his brow.
     The guys are hooked.
     Up through the window, over on Deacon's computer, the A.S.S.
     Website is running, featuring Roger's smiling face with the
     motto, "By Virgins, For Virgins." The counter is on fire.
94   INT. HAIRDRESSER - DAY                                            94
     Roger is getting his hair cut by a cute HAIRDRESSER, his
     wheelchair next to him. A few other women are in the back,
     whispering and looking over at Roger. An OPERA ARIA plays on
     the radio.
                         HAIRDRESSER
               So, I'm thinking about getting into
               films.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      93.



                      ROGER
          Okay.
                    HAIRDRESSER
          You have any tips on how to break in?
                    ROGER
          Uh, no. Not really. Acting classes, I
          guess.
                    HAIRDRESSER
          Really? I didn't think there was a lot of
          acting in those films.
Roger is confused.
                    ROGER
          Well, I guess it kind of depends.
                    HAIRDRESSER
          You think you could get me an audition?
                      ROGER
          For what?
                     HAIRDRESSER
          Come on. How long have I been cutting
          your hair?
                    ROGER
          Since I was like eight.
                    HAIRDRESSER
              (whispers)
          I know who you are. Don't worry. Your
          secret's safe. Come on. I just want to
          make one film to see what it's like.
Roger is still totally clueless.
                    ROGER
          That's great. But how can I help you?
                    HAIRDRESSER
          Oh, I get it. You help me, I have to help
          you. That's how it works. Okay.
She looks around. Then, she sprays a big dollop of hair
mousse into one hand and places it under the hair apron.
ZIP. Roger panics.
                      HAIRDRESSER (CONT'D)
          Relax.
                    ROGER
          What're you-- Oh, God!

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       94.



      His face contorts to match the aria playing on the radio,
      making it look like he's singing the soprano solo.
95    INT. BASEMENT SET AS "THE PROM" - DAY                              95
      Coop and Ashley have brought some help: Plantain and the
      Bouncer. They're waiting around for the guys. The room is
      their most elaborate set so far, a hotel ball room, complete
      with themed prom banner, dance floor, stage, etc.
                          COOP
                No, no, it's a municipal bond fund.
                          ASHLEY
                But what about the capital gains?
                          COOP
                Sure there's short term capital gains,
                but the dividends are tax free.
                          PLANTAIN
                State and federal?
      Deacon enters with Matt and Fred.
                          ASHLEY
                Hey, guys. I hope you don't mind,
                Plantain and Baxter want to be in the
                movie, too.
                          BOUNCER
                Hey! Mr. Runningbear!
      Matt smiles meekly as we
                                                            CUT TO:
      THE PRODUCTION MONTAGE:
95A   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                           95A
      Moments later, cheesy prom MUSIC plays and a mirrored disco
      ball reflects light across the dance floor. As the couple
      dances across the floor, dressed in a prom gown and tux,
      Ashley looks into Coop's eyes.
                          ASHLEY
                Ira, I have something important to tell
                you.
                          COOP
                What is it?
                          ASHLEY
                This prom is making me so hot. I'm ready
                to lose my virginity to you tonight.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        95.



      Coop gives the thumbs up to the Bouncer, also dressed in a
      tux, then starts making out with Ashley in an exaggerated
      tongue-lapping display.
      BEHIND THE CAMERA, Matt peeks out and looks at the other two
      guys with a furled brow. Deacon gives him a forced thumbs up.
95B   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                            95B
      Coop and Ashley sit in the back seat of a Split Car. Coop
      says, "Oh, Rachael. You're the best." Fred looks over at
      Deacon, who just smiles sheepishly.
95C   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                            95C
      The Bouncer and Coop play chess as the guys capture the
      offscreen action. Ashley says, "You're the sexiest teacher I
      ever had." The guys turn their heads sideways to figure out
      the bizarre position Ashley and Plantain have gotten
      themselves into.
95D   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                            95D
      Plantain, dressed as a chaperone with a big punch stain on
      her dress, is eating a tuna fish sandwich and smoking a
      cigarette. Matt calls "Okay, people. Places. Let's get it
      together." Plantain puts the cigarette out on her heel, hides
      the tuna fish sandwich in her purse, and sprays the air with
      Weylon J. Petunia's.
                          PLANTAIN
                My dress is ruined!
                          BOUNCER
                I'm so sorry, Miss Jorgensen. What are we
                going to do?
      She rips off her dress in one big swoop, revealing sexy
      underwear.
95E   INT. BASEMENT BATHROOM - DAY                                       95E
      Fred is in the bathroom with the Moisty-Mate, but he just
      can't seem to get in the mood. Through the door:
                          PLANTAIN (O.S.)
                I never knew chaperoning the prom could
                be so "hard."
      Fred gives up and throws the lotion back in his book bag.
      When he exits the bathroom, everyone is staring in his
      direction, then quickly looks away nonchalantly.
95F   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                            95F
      The Bouncer is going at it with an ugly sex face, dripping
      with sweat.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     96.


      Fred lowers the boom and it smacks the Bouncer in the head.
      Deacon applauds, trying to rally the troops, "Good scene.
      Good scene."
96G   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                         96G
      Plantain speaks with no real enthusiasm, "I give you an A+."
      Matt asks her to do the line again, but she says it exactly
      the same way again. One more time, same result. Suddenly Coop
      lets out a huge FART and everyone starts laughing. Matt
      throws his hands up, frustrated.
95H   INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY                                         95H
      Coop and Ashley are in the back seat, post coitus.
                          ASHLEY
                That was the best prom ever.
                          COOP
                You can say that again.
      And as Ashley actually repeats her line, we see Fred mouthing
      it along with her, proud of his contribution to the script.
95J   EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY                           95J
      Matt strips off the sheets, sprays them with lighter fluid,
      and sets them on fire. As the flames rise up and FILL THE
      SCREEN,
                          MATT (O.S.)
                Cut. That's a wrap.
      END MONTAGE.
96    INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY - DAY                    96
      Deacon is studying in the library.
                           RACHAEL (O.S.)
                Deacon!
      He turns around and there she is: RACHAEL UNGER.
                           DEACON
                Rachael?
                          RACHAEL
                Hi, how are you?
                          DEACON
                Good. Good. How was France?
                          RACHAEL
                It was so fun. We just got back
                yesterday. The school totally screwed up
                my class schedule.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     97.



     Deacon looks her over.
                         DEACON
               So, how's John Baldwin?
     Rachael goes white.
                         RACHAEL
               Who told you about that?
                         DEACON
               Everybody knows.
                         RACHAEL
               Well everybody is a liar. I never did it
               with John Baldwin.
     Deacon is stunned.
                         DEACON
               You didn't?
                         RACHAEL
               Jesus, Deacon. I don't even know him.
               It's not like it was with us.
     It hits Deacon like a ton of bricks.
97   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY                  97
     Deacon and Fred enter and see Matt sitting by the computer.
                           FRED
               So...?
                         DEACON
               How does it look?
                         MATT
               It looks great. It's the best porno film
               I've ever made.
                         FRED
               So what's the problem?
                         DEACON
               Are you done with it?
                         MATT
               Well, I cut together some footage to give
               to Ashley for her reel, but I don't think
               I can finish this film.
                           FRED
               Why not?

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                 98.



                    MATT
          I can't even watch it. Every time I turn
          it on, I keep thinking about that tuna
          fish sandwich and Coop farting all day
          long.
                    DEACON
          That was pretty gross.
                    MATT
          That's just it. The movie looks great,
          but seeing everything else -- all the
          disgusting, nasty stuff -- that's what's
          taken all the fun out of it. And I just
          don't want to do it any more.
                    FRED
          Great. I knew it. I knew you couldn't
          handle this.
Matt looks away.
                    DEACON
          Take it easy, Fred.
                    FRED
          No, I knew that when it came down to it,
          Matt would wuss out.
Matt snaps.
                    MATT
          You know what? Fuck you, Fred. You're the
          wuss here. At least I don't have to whack
          off every time I see a girl in the
          hallway.
Fred shoves Matt.
                    FRED
          Shut up, Matt.
Matt stands up and gets in Fred's face.
                    MATT
          No, you shut up! For once in your life,
          be a man and admit this movie was a
          mistake.
                    FRED
          Why don't you make me?
The two square off, staring each other down. Until,
                    DEACON
          No. Matt's right. This movie was a
          mistake.

     FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      99.



                         FRED
               What are you talking about? This whole
               thing was your idea.
                         DEACON
               Come on, Fred. Didn't you think this
               movie was going to be ... I don't know,
               sexy?
     Fred looks at the other two for a beat, not sure what to say.
     Finally, he smiles.
                         FRED
               How long have you guys known about the
               bathroom thing?
     Deacon laughs.
                         MATT
               If you didn't like making the movie, why
               didn't you say something?
                         FRED
               I don't know. I thought you guys were
               having fun. I didn't want to be the wuss.
     A beat.
                         FRED (CONT'D)
               So what about the car?
                         DEACON
               The Aerostar's not so bad.
                         FRED
               What about the money and the power and
               the women? What about Tony Montana?
                         MATT
               Scar Face is just a stupid movie, Fred.
     Fred smiles.
                         MATT (CONT'D)
               So what do we do with this?
     He holds up the tape.
98   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK (CLOSED) - NIGHT                             98
     The tape is burning in the center of a huge bonfire. A
     massive party is raging. Tons of teenagers are dancing,
     drinking, and having a good time rocking to a LIVE BAND.
     At the center of it all are Matt, Fred, and Deacon are
     finally enjoying themselves.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     100.



                    ASHLEY
          Hey, guys. Great party.
                    DEACON
          Thanks.
                    ASHLEY
          I've got some big news. I sent the reel
          to Vivid and they want to fly me and Coop
          to L.A. to talk about a contract.
                    MATT
          Wow. That's great, Ashley.
                    DEACON
          Congratulations.
Deacon hugs her.
                    BOUNCER (O.S.)
          Deacon! Vinnie says we need more ice!
                    DEACON
          Hang on, guys. I'll be right back.
He leaves Fred and Matt alone with Ashley.
                    FRED
          Hey, Ashley. Can I ask you a question?
                    ASHLEY
          Sure.
                    FRED
          Do you think me and Matt will ever get
          girlfriends?
                    ASHLEY
          Are you kidding? Come on, guys. You have
          it made. You're smart, funny, fun to be
          with. In a couple of years, girls will be
          dying to meet men like you.
                    MATT
          Really?
                    ASHLEY
          Well, no. Popular, good looking guys
          always get the girls.
              (off their look)
          Hey, what was I supposed to say?
Then, Roger wheels by, arm in arm with his Hairdresser. No
more braces and headgear, Roger looks sharp with slicked back
hair and suave clothes.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       101.



                          ROGER
                Hey, guys. Great party.
      He wheels off. The guys and Ashley do a double take.
99    EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT                           99
      The Bouncer is checking off names from the invite list. A
      long line of people are trying to get in, including J.T.
                          J.T.
                I can't believe these losers are having
                such a killer party.
      Coop is walking by and overhears the comment.
                          COOP
                Hey, you're not on the list, dude.
                          J.T.
                What's with you, you pussy? Are you
                joining the retard team, too?
      Just then, Plantain enters and walks to the front of the
      line. The high school guys stop everything to stare at her.
                            PLANTAIN
                Coop!
                            COOP
                Plantain.
      Plantain kisses him, while nonchalantly grabbing his crotch.
                          PLANTAIN
                Come on. You don't need to wait in this
                line. Deacon and the guys are already
                inside.
      Coop puts his arms around her and walks away, not without
      looking back over his shoulder for a second at J.T. standing
      there, dumbfounded. Then, the Bouncer escorts J.T. away.
100   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT                                        100
      Ashley is walking by Wendy and Kelly.
                          WENDY
                I can't believe Naomi dumped Jake for
                Deacon Lewis.
      Ashley stops.
                          ASHLEY
                Let me tell you something about Deacon.
                That boy is amazing in bed.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     102.



                           KELLY
                 And you are...?
                           ASHLEY
                 Ashley. Deacon's ex.
                              WENDY
                 Seriously?
                           ASHLEY
                 Seriously. Have your boyfriends ever
                 given you an orgasm?
                              WENDY
                 No.
                           KELLY
                 I think so.
                     (off Ashley's look)
                 No.
                           ASHLEY
                 Have you ever felt so completely
                 satisfied in bed that you just wanted to
                 sleep for a week?
                              KELLY AND WENDY
                 No.
                           ASHLEY
                 You're wasting your time giving those
                 Neanderthals blowjobs. I mean, they'll
                 probably wind up unemployed wife beaters
                 anyway.
                           KELLY
                 So, are Deacon's friends seeing anybody?
                           ASHLEY
                 Matt and Fred? I don't think so. But if
                 you're interested, you better move fast.
                 Those guys know how to do this thing ...
       She whispers something to Wendy and Kelly. They look shocked.
       Ashley walks off...
100A   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT                                      100A
       ...and finds Deacon, sitting alone on a broken-down ride. She
       sits down next to him.
                           ASHLEY
                 How's Naomi?
                           DEACON
                 I don't know. Good, I guess.

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     103.



                          ASHLEY
                I thought she was your fantasy girl.
                          DEACON
                Yeah. She was.
                          ASHLEY
                You're gonna dump her.
                          DEACON
                I don't want to. I don't know. It's not
                like it was when I was with Rachael.
                Rachael and I used to talk about stuff.
                We just, I don't know, connected.
                          ASHLEY
                Very good, Deacon.
      Deacon is confused.
                          DEACON
                What do you mean?
                          ASHLEY
                Oh, nothing. I guess I'm just glad that
                you finally figured it out.
      A moment of realization.
                           DEACON
                Yeah, I guess I did.
                    (beat)
                So I have to do this, don't I?
                          ASHLEY
                    (joking this time)
                I guess. Or not. Whatever.
      Deacon smiles. He finally understands that Ashley really does
      care about him. Ashley kisses him on the cheek and exits off
      into the horizon.
101   EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT                                      101
      Deacon holds Naomi's hand and they walk and talk.
                          DEACON
                There's something I want to talk to you
                about.
                            NAOMI
                What?
                          DEACON
                I've been thinking. Maybe we should see
                other people.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                    104.



                    NAOMI
          What?
                    DEACON
          Well, I mean, we don't really have
          anything in common. And we don't really
          even get along.
                     NAOMI
          You're breaking up with me?
              (beat)
          Can we still have sex?
                    DEACON
          Listen to what I'm saying, Naomi.
                    NAOMI
          The only reason I went out with you was
          because I thought you were a nice guy.
          And now you're breaking up with me?
                    DEACON
          Yeah. I guess so.
                    NAOMI
          If you tell anybody about this... I have
          a reputation.
                    DEACON
          I won't. You can tell people you dumped
          me if you want.
                    NAOMI
          Really?
                    DEACON
          Sure. What do I care?
                    NAOMI
          You see? You are a nice guy.
She kisses him on the cheek.
                     DEACON
          Just don't tell anyone about the movies.
          All right?
She smiles.
                    JAKE (O.S.)
          These guys are pornographers!
It's Jake, on the bandstand with the mike. He's drunk.
                    JAKE (CONT'D)
          They're perverts! They make porno movies
          in their basement!

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        105.



      But no one is paying any attention.
                          DEACON
                No one's listening to you, Jake. Give it
                a rest.
      Jake gets down to confront the guys.
                          JAKE
                Oh, really, skidmarks? I know someone who
                will believe me. Your parents.
                          DEACON
                The web site is in someone else's name.
                All our records are encrypted. There's no
                tracing it to us, jerk off.
                          JAKE
                Oh, really? Well, good thing I took the
                tape of Ashley masturbating in your
                basement. When they see that, they'll see
                what kind of movies their perfect little
                Deacon is making.
                          DEACON
                Did you make a copy of it?
                          JAKE
                No.
                          DEACON
                You sent the original tape to my parents?
                          JAKE
                Yup.
                          NAOMI
                You know, Jake, you're a real dick!
      She punches him in the stomach. He doubles over and she
      uppercuts him. He flies backwards, crashing through a table.
                          DEACON
                Jesus.
                          MATT
                You should probably avoid pissing her
                off.
                          DEACON
                Noted. Guys. We've got a problem.
102   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT                                 102
      A large envelope labelled "OPEN ME" sits with the unopened
      mail on the foyer table.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       106.



103    EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT                           103
       The guys get into the Aerostar.
                           VIC (O.S.)
                 Not so fast, ladies.
       It's Vic and Mike, and Mike points his gun at Deacon's head.
                           VIC (CONT'D)
                 Which one of you is Balls McLongcock?
       Matt and Deacon give up Fred.
                              VIC (CONT'D)
                 Good name.
                              FRED
                 Thanks.
                           VIC
                 Too bad you're not going to be able to
                 use it any more.
                           DEACON
                 Who the hell are you?
                           VIC
                 The competition. And who the hell are
                 you, coming into my town, paying girls
                 double what I'm paying them? This stupid
                 After School Special shit is cutting into
                 my business. So now I'm putting you out
                 of business.

104    OMITTED                                                             104

105    OMITTED                                                             105
106    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT                           106
       The folks are reading.

107    OMITTED                                                             107

108    OMITTED                                                             108

109    OMITTED                                                             109

110    OMITTED                                                             110
110A   EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT                                   110A
       CLOSE ON the Aerostar bumper sticker, "My child is on the
       honor roll at William Wall High School."

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                      107.



       CRANE SHOT up to the second floor landing.
110B   INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT                                  110B
       Deacon, Matt, and Fred are bound and gagged, and hanging by
       their pants from meat hooks. Mike takes their gags off and
       they starts whimpering.
                           MATT
                 Please don't kill us, Mr. Porno Man.
                           VIC
                 Relax. We're not going to kill you.
       The guys let out a collective sigh of relief. Thank God.
       A beat.
       Then Mike pulls out the HEDGE CLIPPERS.
                           MIKE
                     (matter of fact)
                 We're going to cut your balls off.
                           FRED
                 What?!?
       The guys freak out, but Mike's gun keeps them in place.
                           VIC
                     (re: Fred)
                 Start with him.
                           FRED
                 Why me? It was all Deacon's idea!
                           DEACON
                 FRED!
                           VIC
                 Okay. Do the leader kid.
                           MIKE
                 Quit squirming. It hurts a lot more if
                 you struggle.
       Vic starts undoing Deacon's belt.
                           DEACON
                 Wait! Wait! Wait!
                           VIC
                 Come on, kid. Take it like a man.
       Vic pulls down Deacon's pants. Mike brings the blades
       together in a menacing practice chop.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     108.



Deacon is CRYING like a little girl. Fred also sobs
uncontrollably, creating a cacophony of boyhood terror.
Mike goes in for the cut...
                    MATT
          We've got pre-orders!
Mike stops and looks back at Vic.
                    VIC
          What did you say?
                    MATT
          We pre-sold copies of our video.
                    VIC
              (condescending)
          How many? Fifty? A hundred?
                    MATT
          No. Sixty-three thousand, two hundred
          twelve.
                      VIC
          What?
                    MIKE
          That's a lot of product, Vic.
                    FRED
          We've got orders from all over the world.
                    DEACON
          We'll give you the website if you let us
          go.
Vic looks at Mike for a second, then shrugs. Mike closes the
hedge clippers and they untie the kids and let them down.
Deacon pulls up his pants.
                    VIC
          Okay, so what's your cut?
                      DEACON
          Nothing.
                      FRED
          Except...
                    DEACON
          What except? There's no except!
                    FRED
          Except you promise to supply us with
          quality porn free of charge.
              (off Deacon's look)
                      (MORE)

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        109.

                            FRED   (CONT'D)
                It could come in handy. I mean, until we
                get girlfriends.
                            MATT
                And...
                            DEACON
                No, Matt!
                          MATT
                    (emboldened)
                And you have to maintain the artistic
                vision of After School Special.
                          VIC
                And what's that?
      Matt puts his arm around around Vic's shoulder.
                          MATT
                The key is to try and remember what it
                was like before you had sex. What did you
                used to fantasize about? A math teacher
                who bends over a little too far. The door
                to the girls' locker room open just a
                sliver. Going over to visit your friend
                and catching his mother coming out of the
                shower.
                            FRED
                Dude?
                          MATT
                Not you. Deacon's mom.
                          FRED
                Oh yeah. I've been there.
111   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - PARENTS' BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)            111
      Deacon's mom is showering, but the door to the bathroom is
      open. Fred wanders into the bedroom.
                          FRED
                Deacon? Are you in here?
112   INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (END FLASHBACK)                    112
                            DEACON
                Guys!
                          VIC
                Okay. We've got a deal, but you gotta
                give me all your master tapes.
                    (to Matt)
                And kid. If you ever need a job, give me
                a call.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        110.



       He hands Matt a card. Deacon turns to Vic and shakes his
       hand.
                           MATT
                 It's been a pleasure doing business with
                 you, Mr. ...
                           VIC
                 Ramalot. Vic Ramalot.
                              FRED
                 Good name.
                              VIC
                 Thanks.
       The guys savor the moment, then simultaneously realize the
       clock's still ticking... They run!
113    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                            113
                           MR. LEWIS
                 Did you go through the mail today?
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 Not yet. I'll go get it.
       She gets up to get the mail.
113A   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT                                        113A
       The car races around a corner.
113B   INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT                                               113B
                              FRED
                 Hurry!
                           DEACON
                 It's a minivan! It can't go that fast!
114    EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                                  114
       The car races down the street.
115    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT                                  115
       His mom approaches the Envelope and stack of mail.
116    EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT                                          116
       They run up to the door and burst in.
117    INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT                                  117
       Deacon runs in and eyes: AN EMPTY TABLE.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     111.



       He looks around frantically. He runs into the
117A   INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)           117A
       where his parents are sitting there waiting for him. He can
       tell by their expression, they know.
                           MR. LEWIS
                 Looking for something in the mail,
                 Deacon?
                           DEACON
                 No, I just--
                           MR. LEWIS
                 Maybe something you'd rather not have us
                 see.
       Deacon goes white.
                           DEACON
                 Mom, Dad...
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 It's too late, Deacon.
                            DEACON
                 Wait--
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 We just want you to know how deeply
                 disappointed we are in you.
                           DEACON
                 I can explain.
                           MR. LEWIS
                 Explain? Explain?
                           DEACON
                 If you'll just give me a chance...
                           MR. LEWIS
                 How are you going to explain this?
       He holds up the REPORT CARD.
                           MRS. LEWIS
                 How did you manage to get a "C" in
                 biology?
       Deacon is in shock: relieved, confused, and a little angry.
                           MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D)
                 I knew we shouldn't have let him have a
                 girlfriend--

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     112.



                    MR. LEWIS
          Let alone two--
                    DEACON
          Is that what this is about? My biology
          class? It's just a stupid midterm grade.
                    MR. LEWIS
          I don't like your tone, mister.
                    DEACON
          Mom, Dad. I'm seventeen now. I'm driving.
          I've got a girlfriend. Well, actually, we
          broke up. But you guys treat me like a
          kid. Is it too much to ask for to be a
          normal teenager with a normal life?
                    MRS. LEWIS
          You broke up with Ashley?
                    DEACON
          No. Naomi. Look. I just want to have fun
          with my friends, okay?
They look him over. Finally,
                    MR. LEWIS
          Okay, then. Just make sure you don't
          repeat this performance on your finals.
                      DEACON
          I won't.
Relieved, he walks out into the Foyer. Max appears from
around the corner with the tape. They walk together.
                    DEACON (CONT'D)
          How much do you know?
                    MAX
          Pretty much everything. Mr. Slam.
Max hands him a piece of paper.
                    MAX (CONT'D)
          These are my demands.
He looks them over.
                     DEACON
          Done.
              (beat)
          Did you know all along?
                    MAX
          Are you kidding? Who do you think made
          the first pre-order?

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     113.



      Max hands him the tape and they shake hands. Deacon turns to
      Matt and Fred waiting in the foyer. They're relieved.
                                                             CUT TO:
118   FRED'S FACE                                                      118
                          FRED
                I'm really nervous.
      DEACON puts his arm around his shoulders.
                          DEACON
                My advice is to go slow. If you feel
                you're losing control, just try to relax.
                Don't worry. It's easier than it looks.
      PULL BACK to reveal we're in
      INT. DMV - DAY
      Fred is about to take his driving test.
      FLASH!
      Fred gets his picture taken.
119   EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY                                        119
      Deacon drives the minivan home and pulls in next to the brand
      new convertible sports car. Deacon gets out, excited.
                          MR. LEWIS
                What do you think?
                          DEACON
                This is for me?
                          MR. LEWIS
                Are you crazy? It's for me. You want a
                new car, you get an after school job.
      Deacon's Mom is wearing a sexy outfit and carries an
      overnight bag. She's beaming.
                          MRS. LEWIS
                But we are letting you have the Aerostar.
                It may not be "cool," but it'll get you
                where you're going.
                          DEACON
                Thanks, guys. Really.
                          MRS. LEWIS
                We're going away for the weekend. Your
                father surprised me!

      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     114.



      Deacon's parents KISS then pull out of the driveway.
120   EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY                120
      Deacon pulls the minivan into the parking lot. In the
      passenger seat is Fred. In the back seat are Matt, Max, and
      Max's three FRIENDS. They all get out and the freshmen
      scamper away. Matt is holding Deacon's driver's license.
                          MATT
                It's not even in focus. This is really
                shoddy work.
      Deacon takes it back from him.
                          MATT (CONT'D)
                So, guys. I decided I'm going to apply to
                NYU next year. The film school.
                          FRED
                Too bad we burned the film. You could
                have submitted it as your sample.
                          MATT
                Good idea, Balls.
      The guys start laughing.
                          FRED
                So, I guess we all got what we deserved.
                No money, no power, no women.
                          MATT
                Tony Montana would be pissed.
      Just then, Rachael spots them and walks over.
                          DEACON
                Speak for yourself, guys.
                          RACHAEL
                Hey, guys. Deacon.
      Deacon KISSES her. The other two guys are stunned.
121   INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY                    121
      Deacon walks down the hallway with Matt and Fred, and holding
      Rachael's hand. The four of them run into Wendy and Kelly.
                          WENDY
                Hey, guys. Hey, Deacon. I heard Naomi
                broke up with you.
                          DEACON
                Yeah. But I think it worked out better
                this way.

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                     115.



Rachael smiles.
                    WENDY
          Hey, Fred. I hear you know a thing or two
          about giving women pleasure.
Fred freezes. He steels himself, trying to build up the nerve
to say what he wants to say. Then,
                    FRED
          No, I don't.
She's disappointed. The whole gang hangs their heads. Then,
                    FRED (CONT'D)
          Matt knows a thing or two about
          pleasuring women. I know everything.
Fred smiles ear to ear. Wendy laughs, duly impressed.
                    WENDY
          We should go out some time.
Kelly looks at Matt seductively.
                    KELLY
          Maybe all four of us could go out.
                    MATT
          That could work, you know, depending on
          my schedule.
                    WENDY
          Cool. So call me.
They walk off just as Jake pushes Deacon from behind.
                    JAKE
          Watch where you're going, sphincter boy.
But he's dealing with a totally new and improved Deacon now.
                    DEACON
          I thought I told you not to call me that
          anymore.
                    JAKE
          What are you going to do about it?
                    DEACON
          Some people never learn.
Matt pulls out a funky remote control. He hits a button and
all the monitors come on up and down the hallway. Students
stop to look up at them.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                        116.



121A   ON THE MONITORS                                                     121A
       plays a specially edited version of the infamous first
       attempt at making the porno, aptly titled, "William H. Wall
       High School Presents: The Premature E-Jake-ulator."
                           JAKE
                 I've got a tiny pee-pee? I'm a premature
                 e-jac-u-la-tor?
121B   HALLWAY                                                             121B
       Jake is horrified.
                           JAKE
                 Stop it! Stop the video!
                           MATT
                 You probably shouldn't have mailed that
                 tape back to us.
       The video starts repeating in continuous loop, but has been
       edited to sound like a rap song.
                           JAKE (O.S.)
                 Tiny pee-pee. Tiny pee-pee. E-jac-u-la-
                 tor. E-jac, e-jac, e-jac-u-laaaaaaa-tor.
       Students point and laugh at him, while Deacon and the guys
       continue on down the hallway, dancing to the beat. Deacon
       kisses Rachael goodbye.
                            DEACON
                 You know, guys, I've been thinking about
                 something.
                           FRED
                 What's that?
                           DEACON
                 About how making the movie didn't turn
                 out to be so fun. I think I figured out
                 why.
       They stop at their lockers.
                           DEACON (CONT'D)
                 Sex is like a comic book, still in the
                 original wrapper. Once you open it up and
                 read it, it loses its value.
                            FRED
                 Deep.

       FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT                                       117.



                            MATT
                  I think he's got something there. Making
                  that movie felt like we were tampering
                  with forces we couldn't possibly
                  understand.
                            DEACON
                  Exactly. The fun part about high school
                  is unravelling the mystery of what's
                  going to happen next.
       The guys smile and dial the combinations on their lockers. In
       the background, Jake is still on the ground crying. We TRACK
       through the hallway, outside...
121C   EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY                  121C
       ... where we see a large CAR TRANSPORT, with three hot new
       sports cars on it. Their license plates read "JOHNNY H," "SAM
       SLAM," and "BALLS."
       TRACK OVER to Mike, unloading the cars and Vic, standing
       there smiling.
                                                              FADE OUT:
                                 END CREDITS
       FADE IN:
122    INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                             122
       Deacon's parents are in bed. On the TV plays familiar
       sounding porno music on the hotel pay-per-view.
                            MR. LEWIS
                  Why do they always have to show the guy's
                  face?
                            MRS. LEWIS
                  To make you think you can get girls as
                  hot as her. It's a basic rule of porno.
       A long beat.
                            MR. LEWIS
                  Hey. Isn't that our basement?
                                                              FADE OUT:
                                   THE END