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Bachelor Party Movie Script

Writer(s) : Neal Israel, Pat Proft, Bob Israel

Genres : Comedy

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                                     "BACHELOR PARTY"



                                      Screenplay by

                                 Neal Israel & Pat Proft



                                         Story by

                                        Bob Israel



                                   SHOOTING DRAFT (1984)

                

               FADE IN:

               EXT. ST. ANN'S SCHOOL - DAY

               CAMERA PANS a group of freshly-scrubbed, innocent children, 
               obediently standing in line, like recruits for the Holy 
               Crusade. PULL BACK to REVEAL they are wearing the gray 
               blazers, striped ties and navy slacks of St. Luke's School. 
               They are waiting patiently at the curbside in front of the 
               statue of the school's sainted namesake. One of the fifth 
               grade BOYS pokes the KID next to him with his elbow. The 
               other Kid is about to retaliate when SISTER MARY FRANCIS, a 
               stern-faced nun, appears behind them, grabbing them both 
               firmly by the shoulders.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         Make one more move and you'll both 
                         be staying late for the rest of the 
                         week.

                                     THE BOYS
                              (softly; in unison)
                         Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         I didn't hear you.

                                     THE BOYS
                              (louder)
                         Sorry, Sister Mary Francis.

               Sister Mary Francis checks her watch. She scowls and looks 
               out past the parking lot gate.

               Suddenly we HEAR the SOUND of an ENGINE roaring at full 
               throttle. There is a SCREECHING of BRAKES, followed by the 
               loud GRINDING of GEARS. It sounds like the Indy 500 is taking 
               place around the corner.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                              (used to this)
                         Step away from the curb, children.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Zooming through the parking lot gates is a large yellow school 
               bus. It practically takes the last turn on just two wheels. 
               The bus driver quickly slams on the brakes, leaving ten feet 
               of rubber behind him as the bus comes to an ear-splitting 
               halt right in front of them. The front door immediately swings 
               open and RICK STAHL, the driver, hops out. Rick is the life 
               of the party, even when there isn't any party going on.

               While chronologically older than the St. Luke students, the 
               only thing that sets him apart from them is that he has a 
               driver's license. Rick figures he'll live up to his 
               capabilities and get serious in his next life... This 
               incarnation's strictly for laughs. Sister Mary Francis steps 
               up to him.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         You're late again, Rick.

                                     RICK
                         I know, Sister, but I have a very 
                         good excuse.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         There can be no excuse for tardiness.

                                     RICK
                         You're absolutely right. I should 
                         never have stopped to save that 
                         drowning infant. I'm just weak, 
                         Sister; I'm so weak.

               He starts sobbing softly into his hands.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         All right, stop that... Children, on 
                         the bus.

               The kids obediently file past Rick, who makes like he is 
               drying his tears with his handkerchief.

                                     RICK
                         Sister, do you ever get lonely after 
                         vespers? If you do, why don't you 
                         give me a call. I'm in the book.

                                     SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                              (smiling despite 
                              herself)
                         Get going, Rick... you're late enough 
                         as it is.

                                     RICK
                         Right... Think it over.

               He hops on the bus, closes the door and gently backs the bus 
               out of the parking lot.

               INT. BUS - DAY

               As soon as the bus is out of sight of the school, all hell 
               breaks loose. The formally well-mannered children are acting 
               like normal kids... hitting each other over the heads with 
               books, running up and down the aisles, screaming at the top 
               of their lungs.

               ANGLE - RICK

               He removes the St. Christopher statue from the dashboard, 
               revealing a hulaing Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt. He watches 
               the madness behind him in his rearview mirror, picks up the 
               P.A. microphone and rationally attempts to restore order.

                                     RICK
                              (over mike)
                         If you don't all calm down I'm gonna 
                         drive this thing over a cliff.

               The kids pay no attention to him.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing; 
                              philosophically)
                         Ah... youth.

               EXT. THE BUS

               Rick's bus pulls up to a light and another school bus filled 
               with kids (from a public school) pulls up alongside of it. 
               The other DRIVER gives Rick a competitive smirk and guns his 
               engine. Rick counters by gunning his.

               INT. THE BUS

               All the kids start screaming "Race... race." "Wipe 'em out." 
               "Go for it." Etc. Some of the kids even start taking out 
               money and start betting one another on the race's outcome.

               ANGLE - RICK

               as he readies for action.

               EXT. THE BUSES

               The light turns green and they're off. Or as off as two lunky 
               school buses filled with kids can be.

               WIDE SHOT - ANOTHER STREET

               The two buses come zooming down the street.

               INT. RICK'S BUS

               The kids are screaming at Rick to go faster. One of the little 
               boys looks nauseous as he clutches the seat in front of him.

               EXT. THE STREET - LOW ANGLE

               The buses squeeze down a narrow street, neck and neck with 
               one another.

               INT. THE BUS

               The kids are all yelling words of encouragement to Rick, who 
               is hunched over in his seat, driving with the determination 
               of Andy Granitelli. The nauseous kid is now turning a pale 
               shade of green. He moves to an open window, straining to 
               control the inevitable.

               EXT. THE BUSES

               They race down a steep hill.

               INT. THE BUS

               The nauseous kid can't hold it any longer.

               EXT. THE OTHER BUS

               Something hits with a splat against the windshield that 
               resembles Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Soup.

               INT. THE OTHER BUS

               The other Driver turns on the windshield. It only makes it 
               worse.

               EXT. THE STREET

               Rick's bus pulls out in front, accompanied by the cheering 
               of his passengers. Suddenly a stop light looms ahead. Rick 
               puts on his brakes. Both buses stop just in time.

               INT. RICK'S BUS

               Rick's kids are all piled in a clump right behind him in the 
               front of the bus. Although disheveled, the kids still manage 
               a victorious cheer.

               PHOTOGRAPHER'S POV

               We're LOOKING THROUGH the camera lens. We SEE a cute one-
               year-old baby boy. He's sitting on a cuddly blanket. We HEAR 
               the VOICE of Jay O'Neill. He is a baby photographer at Sears.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                         Okay, Timmy... hold that smile... 
                         and watch the birdie.

               He takes the picture and we SEE the camera flash.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                         There.

               O'NEILL

               We see he has his camera and backdrop set up in the camera 
               department behind a velour curtain which blacks out the rest 
               of the store. He's conservatively dressed in a suit, vest 
               and tie. He looks like he could be a Young Republican. But 
               under those Sears clothes is a man a little off center. Rick's 
               best friend. Need we say more? He takes the film out of the 
               camera. The matronly mother is in the process of gathering 
               up her baby.

                                     O'NEILL
                         These should be in the mail to you 
                         by next Friday.

               She smiles and exits.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         Next.

               A beautiful -- and we're talking gorgeous -- WOMAN enters. 
               Her clothes hug every curve of her body. She has her baby in 
               her arms. O'Neill immediately wants her, and now. His eyes 
               settle onto her full breasts. These he likes.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         Whoa. Look at those babies.

               She gets this innuendo and loves it.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         How are we doing? My name is O'Neill. 
                         And you are...?

                                     WOMAN
                         Klupner.
                              (teasing)
                         Mrs. Klupner.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Mrs.?

                                     WOMAN
                         I'm separated.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Then there is a God. Why don't we 
                         take that baby picture.

               He takes the baby. He has a hard time taking his eyes off 
               her breasts. He places the baby on the blanket.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         If I were you, I'd breast feed until 
                         I was 17 or 18.
                              (gets behind camera; 
                              sizing up the shot)
                         Tell ya what...

               O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH CAMERA

               We SEE the baby sitting on the blanket.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                         Why don't you lean into the picture 
                         with your child?

               She coyly leans INTO FRAME.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                              (continuing)
                         A-huh. A little more... good!

               She is totally blocking her baby out of the picture.

               O'NEILL

               He gets out from behind the camera.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I'm getting one heck of a glare off 
                         your dress there. Could you undo a 
                         few buttons?

                                     WOMAN
                              (seductively)
                         Of course.

               She starts to unbutton her blouse. O'Neill looks into his 
               camera.

               O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH LENS

               We SEE the Woman finish her last button.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                         Now lean in a little more... more... 
                         more...

               As she complies, her breasts all but spill out of her dress.

                                     O'NEILL (O.S.)
                              (continuing)
                         Hold that pose.

               O'NEILL

               He runs from behind the camera and poses with the woman.

               THROUGH CAMERA LENS

               We SEE a QUICK SERIES of camera flashes. Each pose finds him 
               near her breasts. He has them on his head. He's cheek to 
               breast. Etc.

               RICK

               enters and witnesses the photo session. He immediately jumps 
               into the shots.

               THROUGH CAMERA LENS

               Rick joins the craziness. After several beats, the Woman 
               gets bored and EXITS the FRAME.

               THE WOMAN

               As Rick and O'Neill continue mugging like two 12-year-olds 
               in a photo booth, the Woman takes her child and exits. A few 
               beats pass and the guys notice they're alone.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Where'd she go?

                                     RICK
                         She probably had sex scheduled for 
                         12:30. O'Neill, let's pick up the 
                         guys for a drink... I have major 
                         news to announce.

               O'Neill crosses to his camera and takes out the film.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Okay... be right with ya.

               RICK

               He picks up some photographs of today's work.

               INSERT - PHOTOS

               Each one has a different mother in several seductive poses. 
               Their babies are barely visible, if at all.

                                     RICK (O.S.)
                         Pictures a family will cherish 
                         forever.

               EXT. CHULO'S AUTO SHOP - DAY

               Rick's school bus pulls into the yard of the auto shop. 
               Several Chicanos are working on various cars. Rick and O'Neill 
               hop out.

                                     RICK
                         Hey, Chulo, where are you, man?

               ANGLE - LATE-MODEL CAR

               We SEE a very large pair of shoes sticking out from under 
               the chassis. Slowly, a large, bear-like body rolls out and 
               we catch our first glimpse of CHULO. A happy-go-lucky mechanic 
               of Mexican ancestry.

                                     CHULO
                         Hey, you guys, what's going on?

                                     RICK
                         We're going for a little liquid 
                         refreshment.

                                     CHULO
                         Great. I'll go with you. Wait a 
                         second. Hey, Raul! Move that car, 
                         will you?

               A SMALL MECHANIC with an eye patch gets into a car behind 
               them as we DOLLY WITH the guys THROUGH the lot.

                                     CHULO
                              (continuing)
                         Roberto, you finished fixing that 
                         lighter yet?

               Another MECHANIC sticks his face out of another car and shakes 
               his head. Just then Raul, the eye-patched worker, whizzes by 
               behind the guys, driving the car in a zig-zag pattern right 
               into traffic.

                                     CHULO
                              (continuing; to Rick)
                         I'm glad you guys came by... What's 
                         the occasion?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Rick's got an important announcement 
                         to make.

                                     CHULO
                         Yeah. What is it?

                                     RICK
                         I've decided not to run for President.

                                     CHULO
                         Too bad, man, that blows my chance 
                         to be Ambassador to France.

               Behind them we can SEE Roberto fiddling with the lighter. 
               Suddenly flames leap out of the car, blowing Roberto ten 
               feet into the air.

               ANGLE

               The guys all start to pile into the bus. Nearby another 
               employee is washing down the garage with a hose.

               Chulo turns to another mechanic, who has his head under the 
               hood of a car.

                                     CHULO
                         Manuel, be sure and finish up the 
                         electrical system on that Chevy.

               Manuel waves at Chulo, who turns, hops on the bus. Rick starts 
               it up and starts to drive away. Just as the bus CLEARS FRAME, 
               we SEE Manuel connect two wires together at the same moment 
               the guy with the hose washes down the area around his feet. 
               Manuel lights up like a Christmas tree, screaming in pain. 
               There is a beat, and then Robert falls INTO FRAME, still 
               holding the cigarette lighter, and the car Raul is driving 
               enters the lot and smashes into the side of the garage.

               INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

               A sign on an office door says "CONCERT TICKET AGENCY." From 
               inside we HEAR someone TALKING loudly on the phone. Chulo, 
               Rick and O'Neill open the door and go inside. On the walls 
               in the cramped office there are rock 'n' roll concert posters 
               advertising rock bands like Men At Work, The Clash and Barry 
               Manilow. Behind a cluttered desk we FIND a little man with a 
               thin mustache and horn-rimmed glasses. This is GARY MELNITZ, 
               wheeler-dealer, entrepreneur and coward. Gary yells a lot, 
               which is a definite overcompensation for his size and 
               inability to deal with the opposite sex.

                                     GARY
                              (yelling; into phone)
                         Screw you... Screw that... Don't 
                         jerk me around. You promised me 1500 
                         seats for the Police Concert... 1500, 
                         not fifteen!... Screw that... Screw 
                         you -- Screw Sting.
                              (hangs up and sees 
                              the guys standing 
                              there)
                         Hi, guys.

                                     RICK
                         Gary, you're quite an animal.

                                     GARY
                         Screw you...

               The PHONE RINGS.

                                     GARY
                              (continuing; into 
                              phone)
                         Hello, Concert tickets... What? Pat 
                         Benitar has a yeast infection? She's 
                         cancelling? Screw her. You know what 
                         this is gonna cost me?...
                              (he hangs up)
                         Okay. Let's go.

               He gets up and they start for the door. Just then the PHONE 
               RINGS. Gary picks it up.

                                     GARY
                              (annoyed)
                         Screw you... That's crap... Suck 
                         my...
                              (softly)
                         Oh, Mom, I didn't know it was you... 
                         eggs and milk... Okay, I won't forget.

               He hangs up the phone and they start for the door again.

                                     GARY
                         Let's go.

                                     RICK
                         Isn't he incredible, gets along with 
                         everybody.

                                     CHULO
                         Yeah, he's really got his thing 
                         together.

                                     GARY
                         Oh, eat me!

               The guys all laugh and exit.

               INT. HARBORSIDE INN - DAY

               It's a quiet restaurant near a Marina. A lot of business-
               people in suits are eating.

               TWO MALE CUSTOMERS

               CUSTOMER ONE calls for a waiter.

                                     CUSTOMER ONE
                         Waiter.

               The WAITER approaches them from OUT OF FRAME.

                                     CUSTOMER ONE
                         We'd like to order now.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               We see their waiter, RYKO, a blond, tanned, muscular beach 
               bum who has definitely stayed out in the sun too long.

                                     RYKO
                         How you guys doin'... Could you 
                         believe how overcast it was this 
                         morning? Bad day for sailin', waves 
                         are too rough and...

                                     CUSTOMER
                              (annoyed)
                         You can skip the small craft warnings. 
                         We're in a hurry.

                                     RYKO
                         No prob, bud... Here's today's 
                         dealie...

               He holds up a blackboard with the day's menu.

                                     RYKO
                         We got... uh, veal... ah... veal...
                              (to customer)
                         What's this word?

                                     CUSTOMER ONE
                         Parmisan.

                                     RYKO
                         Yeah right. I always want to say 
                         Paramisian when I see that. We looked 
                         at them under the jigamabob in biology 
                         once. Little squirmy, creepy things 
                         that live in your intestine and...

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Please... We have an appointment in 
                         a half hour...

                                     RYKO
                         Wow, sounds stressful. What do you 
                         guys do for a living?

                                     CUSTOMER ONE
                         We're lawyers.

                                     RYKO
                         Whoa... You got to go to school for 
                         that or what?

                                     CUSTOMER
                              (he's had enough)
                         Look, forget the specials. We'll 
                         take three hamburgers.

                                     RYKO
                         Okay, great... Any of you guys got a 
                         pencil by any chance?

               One of the customers shrugs and hands him a pen.

                                     RYKO
                              (impressed)
                         All right, a Bic... How 'bout a piece 
                         of paper?

               Ryko's customers look totally disgusted as Ryko's short 
               attention span is interrupted by something he sees O.S.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Rick and the guys appear in the bar.

                                     RICK
                         Ryko. Come on!

               They all disappear into the bar area.

                                     RYKO
                         Be right there.
                              (to customers)
                         Nice rappin' with you guys. 
                         Unfortunately I'm outta here. Someone 
                         else will have to help you.
                              (calling off)
                         Skip!

               The customers are pleased to get rid of Ryko. SKIP enters. 
               He's a clone of Ryko.

                                     SKIP
                         Like um... What's the deal, you guys 
                         gonna order?

               The customers give each other a "Here we go again" look

               ANGLE - THE GUYS

               They're laughing uproariously and carrying on as Ryko comes 
               over and sits down.

                                     RYKO
                         Hi pals.

               The guys acknowledge him.

                                     GARY
                         Okay... We're all here. Rick, what's 
                         the big announcement?

               ANGLE - RICK

                                     RICK
                         All right, gentlemen, I'm not gonna 
                         sugar-coat this thing. I've known 
                         you guys since grade school, so I'm 
                         gonna give it to you straight from 
                         the hip... right from the shoulder... 
                         without beating around the bush... 
                         Nothing fancy, just the plain, hard 
                         facts... tell it like it is.

                                     CHULO
                         Man, you're losing your audience.

                                     RICK
                         Okay... This is it... I'm getting 
                         married.

                                     O'NEILL
                         What?

                                     CHULO
                         You're kidding.

                                     GARY
                         I don't believe it.

                                     RYKO
                         Fuck me!

                                     RICK
                         Yes, gentlemen. Saturday after next, 
                         I lose my amateur standing and turn 
                         pro.

                                     CHULO
                         Hey, man, congratulations!

               Chulo gets up and gives Rick a big bear hug... The other 
               guys shake his hand.

                                     GARY
                         Wait a minute. You been living with 
                         Debbie! Why do you want to get 
                         married?

                                     RICK
                         Because I love her. What can I tell 
                         you?

                                     RYKO
                         You sure? This means no more partying.

                                     RICK
                         No more raping and pillaging, either. 
                         You'll have to carry on without me.

                                     GARY
                         Next Saturday... That's just two 
                         more weeks to live.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Hold it... As long as you're gonna 
                         go through with this, the least we 
                         can do is make sure you go out in 
                         style.

                                     CHULO
                              (warming to this)
                         Yeah, man. Let's throw a bachelor 
                         party with drugs, booze and broads.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Yeah. Right. All the things that 
                         make life worth living.

                                     RICK
                         Sounds swell... I'm really touched. 
                         And my getting married's not gonna 
                         change a thing between me and my 
                         pals. We're still gonna go bowling 
                         on Tuesdays, play cards on Fridays 
                         and wear women's clothes on Sunday 
                         night. I love you guys... I always 
                         will.

                                     GARY
                         Let's have a toast.

               The guys all raise their glasses.

                                     O'NEILL
                         To Rick.

                                     GARY
                         To us.

                                     CHULO
                         To girls with big pairs.

                                     ALL THE GUYS
                         Yeah, right on, etc.

               As they down their drinks, we:

                                                                    CUT TO:

               EXT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY

               We SEE a couple of very contemporary looking 15-year-olds 
               going into a very "now" clothing store -- like Fred Segal's... 
               When the door opens, loud ROCK 'N ROLL MUSIC blasts out.

               INT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY

               Inside the store we see all the sales clerks grooving 
               narcissistically to the music like they're at a disco. The 
               cashier, PHOEBE, has devoted her life to following the current 
               trends and fads no matter how inane they may be. Today she's 
               in a reggae mode, her hair wound into tight dreadlocks, as 
               she sways lost in the ozone to the music. A CUSTOMER 
               approaches her with a purchase.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         I'd like to pay for these.

                                     PHOEBE
                         Huh... What... Oh sure, wait till 
                         this song is over.

               She floats off again...

               One of the young MALE CUSTOMERS approaches an attractive 
               salesgirl. This is DEBBIE THOMERSON, Rick's intended. She 
               seems to be the only sane employee in the place because she's 
               actually working, putting clothes on the racks. This 
               impression of sanity fits her, as she is level-headed, and 
               has a clear sense of herself. She can also take a joke, thus 
               her engagement to Rick.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Excuse me, where can I try on these 
                         pants?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Right over here.

               She leads the Customer to the try-on booths. The Customer 
               enters one. We SEE that the saloon-style doors of the booths 
               have been hung too high, so as he takes off his pants, his 
               underwear is exposed to the world. We PULL BACK, REVEALING 
               other people in other booths, their bare asses clearly in 
               sight. No one in the store seems to care, however, as they 
               are much too busy dancing.

               The front door opens and BOBBIE, a very sultry and earthy-
               looking girl with long, dark hair, pushes inside. She is 
               O'Neill's girl and Debbie's best friend... She's also someone 
               who would party every night if given half a chance.

                                     BOBBIE
                              (excited)
                         Debbie... I don't believe it. I'm so 
                         excited.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Bobbie, what are you talking about?

                                     BOBBIE
                         O'Neill just tole me. It's sooo 
                         great... I don't believe it.

               Phoebe crosses to them.

                                     PHOEBE
                         What's happening?

                                     BOBBIE
                         Debbie's marrying Rick.

                                     PHOEBE
                         ...Really?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Yes, it's true.

                                     PHOEBE
                         Ohmygod.

               The girls screech and jump around, hugging each other in 
               sheer joy. A MALE CUSTOMER, moved by this outpouring of 
               affection, moves over and gets in the middle of the girls, 
               enjoying every moment of being hugged by three women at once.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (to Customer; realizing)
                         Would you get out of here.

               Reluctantly the guy retreats back to the Calvin Klein jeans 
               rack.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Does Cole know about this?

                                     PHOEBE
                         Really -- you went with him for two 
                         years.

                                     DEBBIE
                         He still thinks I'm going with him. 
                         I'm going to break the news to him 
                         tomorrow.

                                     BOBBIE
                         He's not gonna be happy. And your 
                         parents can't be too thrilled either.

                                     DEBBIE
                         No. As far as they're concerned the 
                         only good Rick is a dead Rick. But I 
                         don't care... it's my decision.

                                     PHOEBE
                              (oblivious)
                         I'm totally blown away. You're getting 
                         married. It seems like only yesterday 
                         I showed you how to have oral sex.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Deb, I want to throw you a shower.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Oh, that's really sweet. I'd love 
                         that.

                                     PHOEBE
                         We'll invite all the girls.

                                     BOBBIE
                         I don't believe it... Mrs. Rick Stahl.

               The girls all start to scream and carry on all over again.

               INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               Rick is cooking dinner in the cramped combination kitchen / 
               living room. He has about five dishes going at once as he 
               dashes from stove to refrigerator. He grabs some hamburger 
               meat, rolls it into a ball, then slaps it on the counter. He 
               then takes a steam iron and presses it on the patty.

               Debbie comes in the front door and crosses to him and hugs 
               him tightly, kissing him sweetly.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (between kisses)
                         God, you're a slob.

                                     RICK
                         But a fabulous cook.

                                     DEBBIE
                         What are we having?

                                     RICK
                         It's either meatloaf, Swiss steak or 
                         charred flesh. I won't know till 
                         it's finished.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (looking at the stove)
                         I think your dinner's burning.

               Rick crosses to the stove. A small fire is coming out of one 
               of the frying pans. He douses it with water.

                                     RICK
                         Don't worry... it's supposed to do 
                         this.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (setting the table)
                         Want to hear something great? Bobbie 
                         and Phoebe are throwing me a shower. 
                         It's really gonna be fun.

                                     RICK
                         Not as much fun as the bachelor party 
                         the guys are throwing for me.

                                     DEBBIE
                         You're going to have a bachelor party?

                                     RICK
                         Of course. I'm a traditional guy... 
                         It's a traditional event.
                              (he brings all the 
                              food to the table)
                         Well, what do you think?

                                     DEBBIE
                         It looks awful.

                                     RICK
                         Yes, but looks are deceiving...
                              (takes a bite)
                         Not in this case, however.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Are you going to have women at your 
                         party?

                                     RICK
                         No, sweetheart, it's a stag party. 
                         Does stay home.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I'm not talking about does. I'm 
                         talking about hookers.

                                     RICK
                         Oh, those. Why do you ask?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Because from what I've heard, it's a 
                         tradition and you're a traditional 
                         guy.

               Rick grabs her; starts kissing her passionately on the neck.

                                     RICK
                         Deb, you is my woman now. I is yo 
                         man. No painted lady ever gonna come 
                         between us.

                                     DEB
                         I need you to promise.

                                     RICK
                         Okay, you got it. I got a way we can 
                         seal the deal -- what'd you say?

               He grabs her. They kiss and slide down onto the table, 
               knocking the dishes to the floor.

               EXT. BEL AIR-TYPE ESTATE - DAY

               Through the iron gates of an impressive-looking estate comes 
               Debbie in her convertible VW Rabbit. She pulls up behind a 
               new Porsche 911 and a Jeep, all decked out with rifles, nets 
               and other hunting equipment. As she walks down the path toward 
               the house, she sees something off in the distance that 
               startles her.

               DEBBIE'S POV

               A large brown grizzly bear appears to be entering the side 
               door of the house.

               ANGLE - DEBBIE

                                     DEBBIE
                              (calling O.S.)
                         Cole?... Cole!

               DEBBIE'S POV

               The "Bear" turns around. We SEE that the bear is, in fact, 
               dead. It is being carried by a tall, handsome HUNTER. He 
               waves to Debbie and indicates for her to follow him inside.

               INT. COLE'S SMOKEHOUSE - DAY

               Debbie opens a rustic-looking door and peers in.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole?

                                     COLE (O.S.)
                         Over here, Deb... in the Smokehouse.

               CAMERA PANS WITH Debbie as she enters the room. She passes 
               several trophies, guns and stuffed animal heads hanging from 
               the wall. She makes her way past some sections of an 
               undetermined animal's anatomy hanging from hooks suspended 
               from the ceiling. Finally we see COLE WHITTIER, a Steve Garvey 
               look-alike... rugged all-American, and heir to the Whittier 
               Plastic Wrap fortune. Despite his jockish good looks and 
               outward arrogance, there's something in his manner that is 
               definitely unsavory.

               As Debbie approaches him we SEE that he is butchering some 
               unfortunate friend of the forest on the table in front of 
               him. (NOTE: For the squeamish, all of this is done OUT OF 
               FRAME. The only thing we should HEAR are the delightful SOUNDS 
               of TAXIDERMY.)

                                     COLE
                         Hi, Deb. Just got back from the 
                         mountains.
                              (as he cuts in with a 
                              surgeon's skill)
                         Isn't this a beauty?... It's gonna 
                         look great in the den.

               Debbie tries her best not to look down at what he's doing.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole, we've got to talk.

                                     COLE
                         Finally realized Rick's a jerk, huh?

                                     DEBBIE
                         No, Cole, I...

                                     COLE
                              (lifting an organ of 
                              some sort O.S.)
                         It's all right, I forgive you. I'm 
                         not the vengeful type. We'll forget 
                         what happened. Why don't we take a 
                         trip together? Maybe kill a few lions 
                         in Kenya over Christmas.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole, listen to me... I've got to 
                         tell you...

                                     COLE
                         You know, when you dumped me for 
                         that wimp, I thought, Cole, she'll 
                         be back. God wants the two of you to 
                         be together, and sure enough...

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole, I'm marrying Rick.

                                     COLE
                              (confused)
                         You're marrying him? Then why are 
                         you coming back to me?

                                     DEBBIE
                         I'm not. I just thought I should 
                         tell you myself before you heard it 
                         somewhere else.

               Cole stops what he is doing for a beat and just stares at 
               Debbie intensely. Then he returns to his work with a renewed 
               enthusiasm, chopping, slashing and slicing.

                                     COLE
                         You know how that makes me feel, 
                         Deb? Wanta know how that makes me 
                         feel?
                              (softly)
                         Angry, Deb.
                              (a little louder)
                         Yesss, that's the word, angry. But 
                         if he makes you happy, you go right 
                         ahead. I want you to be happy, Deb.
                              (a little nuts)
                         No matter what, no matter how angry 
                         it makes me, no matter how much it 
                         hurts. Be happy, Deb. Be oh, so very, 
                         very happy.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole, I'm sorry, I...

                                     COLE
                         That's all right, Deb. Go be happy 
                         and smile a lot, Deb. Do it for me.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (uncomfortable)
                         I'm going now, Cole.

                                     COLE
                         I understand, Deb. 'Bye... be happy.

               Debbie exits and we PUSH IN ON Cole. Something on his face 
               says, "Hi! I'm really out of my mind."

               INT. DR. STAN STAHL'S OFFICE - DAY

               DR. STAN is Rick's older brother and a proctologist. Although 
               he's only in his early thirties, he thinks and acts like 
               someone in their early 70's. A little on the pompous side, 
               Stan is never without his pipe.

                                     STAN
                         Okay, Rick, hold out your arm.

               He crosses to a sterile container and takes out a syringe.

                                     RICK
                         You wouldn't hurt your own brother, 
                         would you?
                              (looking at the needle 
                              cautiously)
                         I changed my mind. I don't need a 
                         blood test. The marriage is off. I --

               Just then, Stan sticks the needle in his arm.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         You always were sneaky, Stan, very 
                         sneaky.

                                     STAN
                         Rick, marriage will be good for you. 
                         It's done wonders for me.

                                     RICK
                         True, you're a lot handsomer now. 
                         Don't you have enough blood already?

                                     STAN
                              (without much 
                              conviction)
                         You won't miss a thing about being 
                         single... The wild parties, the 
                         different girls every night, running 
                         around like a maniac... God, I miss 
                         that.

                                     RICK
                         Stan, you're depressing me... Hey, I 
                         didn't know you were going to fill 
                         'er up. Just take a couple of gallons, 
                         okay?

               Stan removes the needle and hands Rick a cotton ball.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         That's an even trade... a cotton 
                         ball for all my blood.

                                     STAN
                              (returning to this 
                              world)
                         Okay, Rick, all finished. I can't 
                         wait for that bachelor party... I 
                         need the action.

               CAMERA FOLLOWS them as they go out into the hall.

                                     STAN
                              (continuing)
                         Don't say anything to my wife about 
                         it.

               They pass an open examining room. Stan's wife, TINA, is also 
               a doctor and is examining an old man. She's not as tiny as 
               her name suggests. In face, she's more like over-sized.

                                     RICK
                         Hi, Tina.

               Rick moves to hug her and he notices that Tina has her finger 
               up the old guy's ass.

                                     TINA
                              (looking up)
                         Rick...
                              (to PATIENT)
                         Mr. Goldsmith, this is my brother-in-
                         law. He's getting married.

                                     PATIENT
                              (without turning around)
                         Congratulations.

               Tina turns to a NURSE.

                                     TINA
                         Nurse, will you take over?

               The nurse shrugs and sticks her finger up the patient's rear 
               end as Tina hugs Rick.

                                     TINA
                              (continuing)
                         I'm so happy for you.

               Rick hugs her, uneasily trying to make sure her right hand 
               doesn't come anywhere near his face.

               EXT. DEBBIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

               Debbie and Rick and her MOM and DAD are having a frustrating 
               game of tennis behind her parents' plush home. Mr. Thomerson 
               is a stockily-built guy in his fifties who prides himself on 
               being tough and competitive. His wife loves to shop. As far 
               as she's concerned, appearances are everything. Neither of 
               them likes Rick's appearance or anything else about their 
               future son-in-law. Mr. Thomerson slams the ball to Rick; 
               Rick slams the ball back and drives it over the fence, out 
               of the court.

                                     RICK
                         Oops!

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (frustrated)
                         All right, who serves?

                                     DEBBIE
                         You do, Daddy.

               Mr. Thomerson serves the ball to Debbie, who hits it over 
               the net to her mother, who hits it to Rick, who slams it 
               over the fence, out of the court. Mr. Thomerson does not 
               look pleased.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Rick, hit the ball easier, son. You 
                         don't have to kill it.

                                     RICK
                         Can't I just maim it a little?

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Er... perhaps we ought to stop now.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         No. Let's at least finish the set.

               Rick starts humming the "ABC Wide World of Sports" theme 
               loudly. Mr. T. gives him a disgusted look and serves the 
               ball. Rick smashes the ball and sends it over the fence, out 
               of the court.

               EXT. THE THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' BACKYARD - DAY

               A middle-aged COUPLE are sitting on some lawn furniture trying 
               to read the newspaper. A tennis ball comes down from the sky 
               and hits the guy squarely on the top of the head. PULL OUT 
               to REVEAL that they're surrounded by dozens of tennis balls.

                                     MAN
                         One of these days I'm gonna burn 
                         Thomerson's court to the ground.

               EXT. THE THOMERSON'S - MEDIUM SHOT - DAY

               Rick and Mr. Thomerson are having a heart to heart chat over 
               some lemonade in front of the tennis court.

                                     RICK
                         Well, I have to admit my game's a 
                         little rusty, but I love polo. It's 
                         unrelenting, a constant challenge to 
                         the senses. Really a beautiful 
                         experience.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Rick, I want to cut through the b.s.

                                     RICK
                         I'd love that.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (sitting on his anger)
                         Good. I think you're an asshole. No, 
                         let me correct that, an immature 
                         asshole. Which is fine, except you're 
                         marrying my daughter and I'm afraid 
                         my grandchildren are going to be 
                         little assholes.

                                     RICK
                         Mr. Thomerson, I...

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Let me finish. Debbie's an adult. 
                         She can do what she wants. But if 
                         you want your marriage to last, you're 
                         going to have to change some things 
                         about yourself. If I may make some 
                         suggestions...

                                     RICK
                         Feel free.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         First, you're a slob. You have to 
                         dress for success. Second, your 
                         outlook on life...

               As Mr. Thomerson drones on, Rick shifts uncomfortably in his 
               chair, focusing his attention on Debbie, her mother and her 
               older, cynical cousin, ILENE, who are sitting nearby on the 
               rear patio.

               ANGLE - DEBBIE, MRS. THOMERSON AND ILENE

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         I'm using the same caterer for the 
                         shower I had for our Christmas party 
                         last year.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Great, Mom.

                                     ILENE
                         If I were you, I'd worry less about 
                         the shower and more about Rick's 
                         bachelor party.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Ilene, why would I want to do that? 
                         I trust Rick.

                                     ILENE
                         Of course you do. I trusted my ex, 
                         Mel, too. Cousin, I can only talk 
                         from experience. What do you think 
                         they do at these parties, have tea 
                         and play scrabble?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Ilene, Rick promised...

                                     ILENE
                         Debbie, don't be naive. Men are pigs.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                              (trying to change the 
                              subject)
                         Girls, why don't we go inside for 
                         lunch.
                              (calling to Mr. T)
                         Boys, would you mind bringing in 
                         that lemonade?

               ANGLE - MR. THOMERSON AND RICK

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         In a second...
                              (to Rick)
                         And you're irresponsible. Show some 
                         initiative, try to better yourself, 
                         stop showing off, actions speak louder 
                         than words.

                                     RICK
                         Well, sir, that's quite a list. But 
                         you're absolutely right. And if I 
                         work hard at it, I think I can be a 
                         totally changed person by the time 
                         we finish lunch...

               Mr. Thomerson rolls his eyes, knowing he's been wasting his 
               breath. He grabs the pitcher of lemonade and Rick grabs the 
               tray, which is filled with fresh lemons. They get up at the 
               same time and collide, sending the lemonade all over Mr. T., 
               and the lemons bounding over the fence.

               EXT. THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' HOUSE

               The Neighbor we saw before is reading his paper when an 
               avalanche of lemons comes flying at him, joining the tennis 
               balls on the lawn.

                                     NEIGHBOR
                         I hate those people... I really do.

               INT. THOMERSON HOUSE - DAY

               The Thomersons, Rick, Debbie and Ilene are just finishing 
               lunch. The DOORBELL RINGS. Mr. Thomerson gets up to answer 
               it. Standing there is Cole, wearing his tennis shorts.

                                     COLE
                         Hi, everybody. Am I late?

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Not at all. We're just finishing 
                         lunch.

               Cole crosses to the table and kisses Mrs. T's hand gallantly.

                                     COLE
                         Good to see you, Mrs. Thomerson. 
                         Hello, Debbie.

               He turns to Rick.

                                     COLE
                              (continuing)
                         And...

                                     RICK
                         Bond... James Bond.

               Cole gives him a quick look of contempt and exits with Mr. 
               T.

                                     MR. THOMERSON (O.S.)
                         So, Cole, you been practicing your 
                         game?

                                     COLE (O.S.)
                         Sure have...

                                     DEBBIE
                         Why is Cole here?

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         You know your father enjoys his 
                         company.

                                     RICK
                         Much the way Hitler enjoyed hanging 
                         out with Mussolini.

               EXT. THOMERSON TENNIS COURT - DAY

               Mr. T. and Cole are having a fast-paced game.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Nice shot.

                                     COLE
                         Thank you, sir.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         I know you're as unhappy as I am 
                         about Debbie's marriage to Rick.

                                     COLE
                         Yes, sir, I am.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Cole, I don't want you to give up on 
                         her.

                                     COLE
                         I've tried to change her mind.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         It's not her mind you need to change. 
                         It's Disneyland head in there.

                                     COLE
                         But how can I do that?

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         If it were me, I'd reason with him 
                         first. Then, if that failed...
                              (with malice)
                         ...I'd take more persuasive action.

               Mr. T. drills a wicked forehand shot straight at Cole, who 
               swings at it and misses.

                                     COLE
                              (conspiratorily)
                         Thanks for the advise, sir.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Keep me informed.

               PUSH IN ON Cole. This is a man with a plan...

               EXT. PARK ON A BLUFF - DAY

               The bluff overlooks the ocean. It's a beautiful spot. Just 
               the right setting for an outdoor wedding. Some folding chairs 
               have been set up and a canvas canopy.

               Gathered for the rehearsal are Gary, Ryko, Chulo, O'Neill 
               who is with Bobbie, Debbie's mother and Mr. Thomerson, Phoebe, 
               Ilene, Tina, Stan, a gray-haired priest. FATHER FALWELL and, 
               of course, Rick and Debbie. Everyone is admiring this 
               picturesque setting. Everyone but Mr. Thomerson. He's very 
               underjoyed at the sight of Rick and his friends. Mr. and 
               Mrs. Thomerson are standing with Father Falwell. They are 
               watching Rick holding Debbie.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         The thought of that person marrying 
                         my daughter makes me want to upchuck.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         You can tell a man by his friends.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         They're not such a bad bunch.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         No?
                              (he points off)
                         That's his best man peeing on a tree.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               In the b.g. we SEE O'Neill's back TO US. He is definitely 
               relieving himself on a weeping willow. The wind begins to 
               pick up.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         If everyone would take their 
                         positions...

               Everyone takes their places for the wedding procession. The 
               wind now takes this time to blow with much greater force. As 
               Father Falwell opens his Bible, the wind rips the pages out 
               of the Holy Book. They blow to the four corners of the Earth.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                              (continuing)
                         Oh, dear. Well, let's begin. And...

               He hums the Wedding March. Chulo hums along. His humming is 
               a driving Jimi Hendrix-like guitar lick that all but drowns 
               out Father's humming.

               FATHER FALWELL

               He's orchestrating the proceedings.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Flower Girls... Now Rick...
                              (he gestures for him 
                              to start down the 
                              aisle)
                         Good... Debbie and Mr. Thomerson.

               As he gestures for them to make their walk to him, a gust of 
               wind lifts up Father's cassock, exposing his bare ass. He 
               quickly grabs his cassock and covers himself.

               RICK

               He begins to walk toward the priest. Suddenly, out of nowhere, 
               Cole appears at his side.

                                     RICK
                         Cole. Don't you know it's bad luck 
                         to see the groom before the wedding?

                                     COLE
                         I want Debbie.

                                     RICK
                         Cole...

                                     COLE
                         You dump her and I'll give you cash.

                                     RICK
                         What's Debbie's blue book value right 
                         now?

                                     COLE
                         Five thousand dollars.

                                     RICK
                         No.

               They are now standing near Father Falwell. Debbie is 
               approaching them with Mr. Thomerson. Mr. T. shoots Cole a 
               signal to up the ante.

                                     COLE
                         Seventy-five hundred.

                                     RICK
                         Not interested.

                                     COLE
                         Okay, ten thousand plus a G.E. toaster 
                         oven, a Litton microwave, a 
                         Cuisinart...

                                     RICK
                         I'm marrying Debbie.

                                     COLE
                         Michelin tires... brand new. A set 
                         of Sears Best metric tools...

                                     RICK
                              (to O'Neill)
                         What is this person's story here?

                                     O'NEILL
                         The way I see it, the big lug is in 
                         love and he's got a lot of major 
                         appliances lying around.

               Debbie and Mr. T. have joined Rick.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Cole, what are you doing here?

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         He's just trying to save you from 
                         making a mistake.
                              (to Rick)
                         A big mistake.

                                     RICK
                         Thanks, Dad.
                              (to Cole)
                         Cole, go away.

                                     COLE
                         He's gonna hurt you, Debbie. He'll 
                         never be true to you the way I would.

                                     RICK
                         Thank you. We'll all keep that in 
                         mind. 'Bye now.

               Cole turns red with anger.

                                     COLE
                              (pissed)
                         Rick, me and you aren't through yet.

               He runs off.

                                     RICK
                              (a la talk show host)
                         Ladies and gentlemen, Cole Whittier. 
                         Let's hear it for him -- a funny, 
                         funny guy. We love ya, babe.

               The wind suddenly picks up. A storm is coming in off the 
               sea. Father Falwell's cassock blows up again. It starts to 
               rain and hail. Everyone runs for cover but Rick and O'Neill.

                                     RICK
                              (to O'Neill)
                         You think the gods are telling me 
                         something?

               INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Rick is snuggled cozily on his side of the bed, fast asleep. 
               Debbie is staring anxiously at the ceiling. After a couple 
               of beats, she tugs at Rick's shoulder.

                                     RICK
                              (drowsy)
                         Huh? Wha...

                                     DEBBIE
                         I can't sleep.

                                     RICK
                         Oh... I got something for that.

               He groggily reaches into the nightstand, pulls out a hammer. 
               He raises it as if to hit Debbie over the head.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Stop fooling around... I need to 
                         talk.

                                     RICK
                         What's the matter?

                                     DEBBIE
                         I don't know... I just feel scared.

                                     RICK
                              (he sits up)
                         About what?

                                     DEBBIE
                         The wedding, my parents, your family, 
                         our friends, my job, the future, our 
                         relationship, the caterers, my gown, 
                         your tuxedo, our honeymoon, the 
                         apartment, my shower, your bachelor 
                         party...

                                     RICK
                         I think the only think you've left 
                         out are our relations with the Soviet 
                         Union. Sweetheart, everything's gonna 
                         be all right.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Before or After I have my nervous 
                         breakfown?

                                     RICK
                         C'mere.

               He starts to gently rub her shoulders. She breathes deeply, 
               trying to let go.

                                     DEBBIE
                         That feels so great.

                                     RICK
                         Good...

                                     DEBBIE
                         Um... that's very relaxing.

                                     RICK
                         Now, I want you to lie down and drift 
                         off to slumberland.

               He slowly lowers her to her pillow and tucks the covers in 
               around her.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Close your eyes... that's it... 
                         There's nothing to worry about... I 
                         love you... I'm a great guy...
                              (yawning)
                         In two days you're gonna be Mrs. 
                         Great Guy.

               He yawns again and turns off the light on the night table. 
               There is a beat of silence in the dark. We PUSH IN ON their 
               faces, which are faintly illuminated by a street light outside 
               the open window. Both of them have their eyes wide open as 
               they stare at the ceiling in fearful anticipation of the 
               next day.

               INT. AIRPORT - DAY

               The guys (except Gary) are walking through the busy airport.

                                     RYKO
                         You sure Gary's got this whole party 
                         deal together?

                                     CHULO
                         Yeah, man, he's got us a great room 
                         at the hotel and lots of chicks.

                                     RYKO
                         I hope so. Hundred bucks apiece is a 
                         lot of dinero.

                                     CHULO
                         What time are we supposed to get to 
                         the hotel?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Don't worry, Chulo, the party's not 
                         gonna start without you. We got plenty 
                         of time.

                                     STAN
                         I can't wait to see old Larry... 
                         It's been five years.

                                     RICK
                         At least.

               ANGLE - THE EXIT RAMP

               People are streaming out of the plane. Finally the last person 
               exits.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Where the hell is he?

                                     RICK
                         Knowing Larry, he probably missed 
                         the flight.

                                     STAN
                         There he is... Hey, Larry!

                                     LARRY
                              (talking very slowly)
                         Guys... guys... guys...

                                     RICK
                         'Ludes... 'ludes... 'ludes.

               Larry floats toward them and stops in front of them. He stares 
               at them strangely, looking from face to face.

                                     LARRY
                         God, I love you guys.

               To the guys' surprise, he goes around hugging each one of 
               them.

                                     LARRY
                              (continuing)
                         This makes me so happy.

               They start walking toward the baggage claim area.

                                     O'NEILL
                         So, Larry, how have you been?

                                     LARRY
                         Just in love with everybody. It's 
                         really a beautiful planet. I love 
                         you, Rick. I love you guys. I love 
                         everybody.

                                     RICK
                         So how's your wife?

               Larry stops walking and immediately breaks down.

                                     LARRY
                         I hate her. I hate her guts, the 
                         bitch.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Larry, you and your wife got problems?

                                     LARRY
                         I don't want to talk about it. I 
                         love you guys. I love my friends.

               Larry reaches into his pocket, takes out a Quaalude.

                                     LARRY
                              (continuing)
                         You want to share it?

                                     RICK
                         Naw, two on a Quaalude... bad luck.

                                     LARRY
                         Right.

               He pops it in his mouth.

               EXT. TERMINAL

               The guys exit the Baggage Area. Rick is pushing Larry who is 
               sprawled out on top of his bags in a luggage cart.

                                     LARRY
                         My marriage is the worst. All crap. 
                         A big pile of shit.

                                     RICK
                         Maybe your marriage should lay off 
                         grains for a while.

                                     LARRY
                         She hates me. It's over. You'll see, 
                         as soon as you get married, everything 
                         changes. You sure you want to go 
                         through with it, man?

                                     RICK
                              (his interest peaked)
                         What do you mean, it changes?

               Before Larry can answer they reach the bus where Debbie is 
               waiting for them.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (hugging Larry)
                         Larry, how are you?

                                     LARRY
                         Hi, Debbie, congratulations. Hey, do 
                         you know where there's a pharmacy 
                         around here so I can get a 
                         prescription filled?

                                     RICK
                         Come on, get him on the bus.

               As a couple of the guys pick Larry up and carry him into the 
               bus we

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. BUS - DUSK

               Rick is driving the bus with Debbie sitting next to him in 
               the driver's seat. The guys sit in the row of seats behind 
               them.

                                     RICK
                         Well... twenty-four more hours to go 
                         and tonight we'll share with our 
                         friends and loved ones the joys of 
                         those last moments of singleness.

                                     DEBBIE
                         You better not have too much joy.

                                     RICK
                         Wouldn't think of it. Because 
                         tomorrow...
                              (starts singing)
                         We're going to the chapel and we're...

                                     DEBBIE
                              (singing)
                         Gonna get married...

               ANGLE - THE GUYS

               They start to join in the song in a little less than perfect 
               harmony.

                                     EVERYBODY
                         Going to the chapel and we're gonna 
                         get married.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Gee, I really love you...

                                     RICK
                         And we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried.

                                     EVERYBODY
                              (whooping it up)
                         Going to the chapel of love.

                                     RICK
                         Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

               EXT. BUS

               The bus zooms down the street.

                                     EVERYBODY (V.O.)
                         Going to the chapel of love.

               EXT. THOMERSON'S - DUSK

               Rick's bus comes up to the driveway in front of the house 
               and stops.

               INT. RICK'S BUS - DUSK

                                     RICK
                         This is it, lady. Last stop.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Can't I just go with you guys?

                                     RICK
                         Sorry, we got men's business to do. 
                         It's no place for a lady.

               He opens the door, picks Debbie up and carries her out to 
               the sidewalk.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Remember, you promised... no screwing 
                         around.

                                     RICK
                         Did I promise that? I don't remember 
                         that...

                                     DEBBIE
                         You're really pissing me off.

               She grabs Rick and wraps her arm around him in a playful 
               headlock.

                                     RICK
                         Okay, I promise... I swear on my 
                         mother's grave.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Your mother's not dead.

                                     RICK
                         Well, if I go back on my word, I'll 
                         kill her.

               Debbie lets go of his neck.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Have a good time. Don't make it too 
                         late.

                                     RICK
                         Anything you say, ma'am. Have a fun 
                         shower. Use soap.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I love you.

               They kiss, and the guys whistle in the background. Then Debbie 
               starts toward the house and Rick hops back into the bus. He 
               gets into the seat and sits there for a moment, watching 
               Debbie with a guilty look as she goes into the house.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (to Rick)
                         What's the matter?

                                     RICK
                              (snapping out of it)
                         Nothing... Let's get crazy!

                                     RYKO
                         All right!

                                     CHULO
                         When do the girls get to the party?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Don't worry, Gary's taking care of 
                         that now.

               The guys holler and whoop it up as Rick puts the bus in gear 
               and takes off down the street.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. GRIMY STREET CORNER - EVENING

               JUMBO, a well-dressed behemoth in a sky blue suit and 
               widebrimmed hat, is standing on a street corner talking to 
               Gary.

                                     GARY
                         So we want your best girls, the cream 
                         of your crop.

                                     JUMBO
                         Let's see your bread.

               Gary takes out a roll of bills, which Jumbo grabs and quickly 
               counts.

                                     JUMBO
                              (continuing)
                         Okay, I got just what you're looking 
                         for.
                              (calling off)
                         Margot... Darlene...

               Two shapely HOOKERS in tight-fitting clothes come up to them.

                                     GARY
                         They'll do just fine. Hiya, girls. 
                         Look, after the orgy, maybe we could 
                         have coffee.

               The girls look at him with "Is he for real?" in their eyes.

                                     JUMBO
                         Shorty, where's the party?

               Gary takes some slips of paper out of his pocket and hands 
               Jumbo one.

                                     GARY
                         Park View Hotel, Room 1002.

                                     JUMBO
                         They'll be up there in a half hour.

                                     GARY
                         Okay. Nice to meet you both.

               Gary turns, almost collides with a garbage can, and starts 
               walking down the street. He passes a parked Porsche. After a 
               beat, Cole Whittier sticks his head up and watches Gary walk 
               off. Then he hops out of his car and approaches Jumbo and 
               the girls.

                                     COLE
                         Hi. I must have just missed my friend. 
                         He hired you for a bachelor party.

                                     JUMBO
                         At the Park View Hotel, Room 1002. 
                         What about it.

               Cole's face lights up. This is the information he needed.

                                     COLE
                         Yeah. Right.
                              (takes out piece of 
                              paper)
                         This is the new address. We changed 
                         our minds and decided to send the 
                         girls over to his house instead.

               He takes out a fifty-dollar bill.

                                     COLE
                              (continuing)
                         And here's a fifty... I want this to 
                         be a surprise, so you never saw me, 
                         okay?

                                     JUMBO
                              (pocketing the money)
                         No problem.

               Cole smiles happily as he slithers back to his car.

                                     COLE
                              (to himself)
                         Now she'll see what kind of jackoff 
                         he is.

               ANGLE - HOTEL

               A parking VALET crosses to the bus as Rick hands him the 
               keys.

                                     RICK
                         Be careful with it. It's a rental.

               The guys hop out with the enthusiasm of a home team that's 
               just won the state championship. They race in the front door. 
               A banner over the door reads: "WELCOME MISS MOOSEHEAD BEER 
               PAGEANT."

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

               This is a pretty plush place. The kind of hotel that prides 
               itself on its classy image. The guys are totally unaware of 
               the sedate atmosphere in the lobby as they go screaming toward 
               the elevators.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (to some dignified 
                              guests)
                         We who are about to go ape shit salute 
                         you.

                                     RYKO
                         All right, I'm stoked!

               Just as they are about to get into the elevator, a hand comes 
               INTO FRAME and holds the door so it will not close.

               WIDEN TO INCLUDE the MANAGER. All their carrying-on stops 
               when the guys see him staring grimly at them. If he wasn't a 
               hotel manager, he'd be a mortician. He has a constant 
               expression on his face that suggests he's constantly sucking 
               lemons.

                                     MANAGER
                         Just where do you guys think you 
                         are?

                                     O'NEILL
                         The Library of Congress?

                                     CHULO
                         Detroit?

                                     LARRY
                         Beyond the sun?

                                     RICK
                         Are any of those right?

                                     MANAGER
                         This is the Park View Hotel. I'm the 
                         Hotel Manager. Are you looking for 
                         someone?

                                     RICK
                         Yes, you. We're looking for our 
                         room... 1002.

               Rick takes out his key.

                                     MANAGER
                         It's on the tenth floor.

                                     RICK
                         What do you know, they moved it. 
                         Catch you later.

               The door starts to close and the guys start yelling.

                                     MANAGER
                         Keep your voices down. This is a 
                         respectable establishment. We don't 
                         go for any funny business here. Just 
                         then a GUY with a Moosehead Beer hat 
                         and TWO GUYS in a moose costume pass 
                         him and enter the elevator with the 
                         boys.

                                     RICK
                         I see what you mean... You're a 
                         beautiful guy. And you're doing a 
                         damn good job.

               The door slams shut before the Manager can say anything else.

               INT. THE THOMERSON'S - NIGHT

               Several of Debbie's friends have arrived and are chatting 
               amiably in the living room. Phoebe is dipping potato chips 
               into a bowl that says "Muffy" on it.

                                     PHOEBE
                         Do you have any more of this dip, 
                         Mrs. Thomerson? It's really excellent.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         You just ate Purina Cat Chow.

                                     PHOEBE
                         Gross me out...

               Debbie comes into the living room and sits next to Bobbie.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (concerned)
                         What do you think's gonna go on at 
                         the guys' party?

                                     BOBBIE
                         They'll probably get drunk, and watch 
                         dirty movies. But don't worry about 
                         the dirty movies.

                                     DEBBIE
                         What do you mean?

                                     BOBBIE
                         I forgot to tell you. Yesterday I 
                         found a bunch of pornos in the back 
                         seat of O'Neill's car.

                                     DEBBIE
                         You're kidding.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Nah. Everything's cool... I took 
                         care of 'em.
                              (starts to giggle)

               EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

               Rick, Ryko, O'Neill, Chulo, Larry and Stan are walking down 
               the hallway, looking for their room.

                                     O'NEILL
                         1004, 1003...
                              (spots the room)
                         Aha! 1002.

               The guys give out a hearty cheer as they huddle around the 
               door. O'Neill grabs the doorknob. He takes his time, playing 
               up the moment.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         And now...

               The guys lean forward, anticipating the opening of the gates 
               of heaven.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         ...to our honored guest Rick, and 
                         his life-long friends, I say...
                              (turns the doorknob)
                         ...gentlemen, start your boners.

               He flings open the door and everyone but he and Rick burst 
               into the room.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

               The guys all but dive into the room. It is a two-room suite 
               with living room/kitcheonette and separate bedroom. The room 
               has been decorated with balloons. A sign reads: "Happy 
               Bachelor Party!" It looks far from professionally decorated. 
               Chulo frantically checks out the rooms.

                                     RYKO
                         Bitchin' place.

               He hangs a chin-up bar in a doorway and starts to chin 
               himself.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I did the balloons myself.

               He takes a prophylactic out of a Trojan carton. He blows it 
               up. On closer examination, we SEE all the balloons are 
               inflated prophylactics.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Chulo returns from his search of the rooms.

                                     CHULO
                              (crazed)
                         Where's the women, man? We gotta 
                         have women.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Chulo, one thing at a time.

                                     CHULO
                         Sex is my one thing. I'm good at it.

                                     STAN
                         What's first?

                                     O'NEILL
                         A bit of a warm-up.

               He threads a film projector.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         We'll spend an hour with "Nymphos 
                         Without Pants"...

                                     RICK
                         Olivier's in that, right?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Then it's on to the real thing.

                                     GUYS
                              (cheering)
                         All right!

               Ryko flips off the lights as O'Neill puts the projector into 
               forward and the title flashes on a movie screen. All the 
               guys yell in anticipation.

               HOME MOVIE SCREEN

               We SEE a man stepping out of a shower. He puts on his robe 
               and exits the bathroom. To his surprise and to the delight 
               of our guys, two young, beautiful Nordic looking women, 
               dressed in micro-minis and see-through blouses stand waiting 
               for him.

                                     CHULO (O.S.)
                         They're Danish, I know it. I'm crazy 
                         for Danes.

               RYKO AND CHULO

               sit watching the screen.

                                     RYKO
                              (to Chulo)
                         Denmark makes great Nautilus 
                         equipment.

                                     CHULO
                         I'd like to jerk and press those 
                         babies.

               RICK AND O'NEILL

                                     RICK
                              (to O'Neill)
                         And I thought we wouldn't have any 
                         meaningful conversation.

               ON SCREEN

               The man takes off his robe. The girls start to seductively 
               undress.

                                     GUYS (O.S.)
                              (excitedly)
                         All right, yeah, yeah, yeah...

               Suddenly an abrupt jump cut. The girls are undressed and 
               lying on top of the man. Our guys are seriously let down.

               GUYS

                                     EVERYONE
                              (disappointed)
                         Awwww...

               O'NEILL

               He can't figure it out.

               ON THE SCREEN

               As the women kiss the man from his head slowly down his chest, 
               past his navel and heading south...

               GUYS

               Their eyes start to widen like a child in a Keene painting.

                                     GUYS
                         Yes, go, go, yes, go...

               ON THE SCREEN

               Another abrupt jump cut spliced together with what looks 
               like a band-aid, and the girls are sitting on the side of 
               the bed. The man is recovering from the best sex he's ever 
               encountered.

               GUYS

                                     GUYS
                              (disappointed)
                         Awwwwww...

               Rick turns to a shocked O'Neill.

                                     RICK
                         Excuse me, but this is as arousing 
                         as a stroll through the Vatican.

                                     O'NEILL
                         This isn't right.

               GUYS' POV

               They watch the screen. The two women seem to be taking a 
               liking to each other. They begin to fall onto the bed and 
               entwine.

                                     GUYS
                         Please, yes, do it, yes, yes, oh 
                         yes...

               A jump cut and they are dressing. Stan can't take it anymore. 
               He jumps to his feet.

                                     STAN
                         Where are the dirty parts? I'm a 
                         doctor. I can see these things.

                                     CHULO
                         What a waste of two women.

               O'Neill rises abruptly.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I don't get it, but at least Gary's 
                         got the real stuff coming up here in 
                         a few minutes.

                                     CHULO
                              (in ecstasy)
                         Women!

               Everyone cheers.

               INT. THOMERSON HOUSE

               The girls are having a great time. The front DOORBELL RINGS. 
               Mrs. Thomerson answers it. Standing in the doorway is Tina 
               Stahl, Stan's wife; she's late for the shower. Behind her 
               are two obvious hookers: Margot and Darlene. Tina doesn't 
               know either of the girls.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Yes?

               Before Tina can speak, Margot speaks up. She's reading from 
               the piece of paper Cole gave her.

                                     MARGOT
                              (through heavy gum 
                              chewing)
                         Yeah, hi. Look, is this...

               INSERT - PIECE OF PAPER

               Margot reads the address.

                                     MARGOT (O.S.)
                         838 North Franek Avenue?

               BACK TO SCENE

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Yes.

                                     MARGOT
                         We're here.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         How nice.

                                     TINA
                         I'm Tina Stahl.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Of course. Stan's wife... Everyone 
                         come in.

               REVERSE ANGLE - THE STREET

               Cole sits in his car and watches happily as the hookers go 
               inside.

               INT. THOMERSON'S LIVING ROOM

               Debbie spots Tina. She is oblivious to the two hookers.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Tina!

               They give each other a big hug. The hookers watch closely. 
               Debbie leads Tina to the other women.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (continuing)
                         You know everyone here, don't you?

                                     TINA
                         Yes.

               The girls hug and give big hellos. Meanwhile, Margot and 
               Darlene have come to the conclusion they've been hired for a 
               kinky scene.

                                     MARGOT
                         One of these, huh?

                                     DARLENE
                         Looks that way.

                                     MARGOT
                         Buck's a buck.

               They start to unbutton their coats.

               Tina hands Debbie her present.

                                     DEBBIE
                         It's so heavy.

               She sits and the girls gather around as she starts to open 
               the gift.

               Phoebe happens to look off and is stunned by what she sees. 
               The others are curious at what she is looking at and they 
               too stare O.S., stunned to silence.

               MARGOT AND DARLENE

               dressed in leather and mesh stockings. Margot carries a whip. 
               Darlene is holding a phallic electrical device.

                                     DARLENE
                              (business-like)
                         Is there an empty outlet in here?

               Debbie unconsciously points to a nearby wall. Margot and 
               Darlene stand amidst the girls. Darlene plugs in her device. 
               She and Margot start to embrace and fondle one another. The 
               girls watch in stony silence. Dumbfounded at what they see. 
               Margot and Darlene start to sink to the floor, OUT OF OUR 
               SIGHT. Before they disappear, we see Margot take out her gum 
               and park it on an end table. Now OUT OF SIGHT, the girls 
               watch for a beat. Then we hear the WHIRRING of Darlene's 
               implement. Our girls screech in horror and hold onto one 
               another in a protective clump.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               The guys are sitting around drinking, eating and looking 
               generally bored. Chulo sits in front of the TV, glumly 
               watching an old "I Love Lucy" re-run.

                                     CHULO
                         If I was Ricky Ricardo I would beat 
                         the shit out of that chick.

                                     LARRY
                              (totally ripped, 
                              staring at the black 
                              and white image)
                         Wow! The colors are sooo beautiful.

               Chulo gives him a strange look.

                                     RYKO
                              (opening a beer, 
                              reading the label)
                         Isn't there any beer that's not 
                         imported? All this stuff's from St. 
                         Louis.

                                     RICK
                              (calling to imaginary 
                              person O.S.)
                         Bartender, round of brains for my 
                         friend here.

               Gary enters the room. He's all smiles. Confident he's done a 
               great job arranging for the entertainment.

                                     GARY
                         How's it going, guys?

               Everyone crowds around him like children greeting Daddy. 
               Looking for candy hidden in his coat.

                                     EVERYONE
                         Where's the girls? Where's the girls?

               Rick pushes them away from Gary like a referee separating 
               two fighters.

                                     RICK
                         Give the guy air. Everyone to a 
                         neutral corner.

                                     GARY
                         What's going on?

                                     CHULO
                         Nothing. We got no women.

                                     GARY
                         Screw you.

                                     RICK
                         It's true.

                                     GARY
                         This place should have been wall to 
                         wall tits by now.

                                     RICK
                              (to O'Neill)
                         Guy paints a beautiful picture.

                                     GARY
                         I'm going to see what the hell 
                         happened.

                                     RICK
                         Looks like the only one who got 
                         screwed here was you.

                                     GARY
                         Screw that.

               He exits out the door.

                                     O'NEILL
                         So, what do you guys think of the 
                         party so far?

               The guys toss sandwiches and empty beer cans at him.

                                     RICK
                              (putting his arm around 
                              O'Neill)
                         Well, I think you've done a damn 
                         fine job.

               Everyone pelts Rick and O'Neill with more junk.

               Suddenly the door bursts open. The guys look up and are 
               surprised to see Cole enter.

                                     COLE
                         Rick, I want to talk to you.

                                     RICK
                         Ah, Cole.
                              (turns to the others)
                         I don't remember ordering an asshole 
                         from room service.

               Cole enters, closing the door behind him.

                                     COLE
                         I don't want any trouble.

                                     RICK
                         Oh, come on, just a little.

                                     COLE
                         I'm ready to make you another deal.

                                     RICK
                              (mock excitement)
                         Ooh, be still, my heart.

                                     COLE
                              (points out window)
                         See that down there? That's my most 
                         prized possession. My new Porsche.

               RICK'S POV

               Cole's Porsche parked in the hotel parking lot.

                                     RICK (O.S.)
                         Very nice...

               BACK TO SCENE

               Rick gestures to Chulo to look out the window.

                                     RICK
                              (his voice tells us 
                              he has something in 
                              mind)
                         Isn't that a great car, Chulo?

               Chulo gets Rick's drift.

                                     CHULO
                         Yeah... real nice. Ah, excuse me. 
                         I'll be right back.

               He starts to exit. Before he does, he grabs a hanger out of 
               the closet.

                                     COLE
                         Great car.

                                     RICK
                         The best.

                                     COLE
                         I love that car.

                                     RICK
                         I'm very happy for you two.

               They back away from the window.

                                     COLE
                         I'll trade you my Porsche for Debbie. 
                         An even swap.

                                     RICK
                              (surprised)
                         The car for Debbie?

                                     COLE
                              (getting a little 
                              excitable)
                         I mean it. The car is yours. Dump 
                         Debbie.

                                     RICK
                         Gee, guys, what should I do? The car 
                         or Debbie?

               All the guys treat this as if it's "Let's Make A Deal". They 
               take sides, yelling out, "Take the car," "Keep Debbie." Over 
               the din we hear a befuddled Rick.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         What a decision here.

               He walks over to the window. Cole follows closely. He's trying 
               to convince Rick to take the car.

                                     COLE
                         Low mileage... Handles like a dream.

                                     RICK
                         So does Debbie.

               EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT

               Chulo is using the hanger to jimmy the car lock on Cole's 
               Porsche. He's successful. He jumps into the car and drives 
               off.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               Rick and Cole are at the window. The guys are still trying 
               to convince Rick on his decision.

                                     COLE
                         I got the car only two months ago -- 
                         it's got --

               As he looks out the window we see with him that his car is 
               gone.

                                     COLE
                              (continuing)
                         Shit, shit, shit, shit. My car's 
                         gone!

                                     RICK
                         Maybe it had something to do.

                                     COLE
                         Shit!

               He charges out of the room.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Odd. He's only been gone a few seconds 
                         and I already miss him.

               EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT

               Gary spots Jumbo on the same grimy street corner. He's pimping 
               for one of his ladies and makes a sale to an anxious young 
               Marine as Gary approaches him.

                                     GARY
                         Jumbo, where the hell are the women?

                                     JUMBO
                         What are you talking about, asshole?

                                     GARY
                         Your whores never showed up.

                                     JUMBO
                         They left an hour ago, pink nuts.

                                     GARY
                         Screw you!

               Jumbo has had enough. He backs Gary against a wall and pulls 
               a knife on him.

                                     JUMBO
                              (irritated; a lot)
                         That's it, prick lips.

                                     GARY
                         What are you...

                                     JUMBO
                         I've had it, numb nuts... How much 
                         money you got?

                                     GARY
                         Why?

                                     JUMBO
                         Because I'm pissed off. Now give me 
                         your cash.

               Gary hurriedly digs into his pockets and gives Jumbo his 
               money.

                                     GARY
                         This is bad public relations. I was 
                         planning to do a lot of business 
                         with you. But now I'm going to have 
                         to go elsewhere.

                                     JUMBO
                              (mock sincerity)
                         Hey. I'm sorry. You want girls. I'll 
                         give you girls.

               He snaps his fingers and TWO of his LADIES come forward.

                                     JUMBO
                              (continuing; to girls)
                         Give him the works.

                                     GARY
                         That's more like it.

               The girls walk over to Gary and proceed to beat the crap out 
               of him.

               EXT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT

               It is a garish nightclub. A large lighted billboard proclaims 
               "ALL MALE... ALL NUDE." Two cars pull into the parking lot. 
               Debbie and all of her shower guests get out.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Are you sure this is a good idea?

                                     ILENE
                         Look, you heard what those hookers 
                         said. They were supposed to go to a 
                         bachelor party.

                                     DEBBIE
                         That doesn't mean it was Rick's party.

                                     ILENE
                         Debbie, men are pigs -- if they can 
                         have women, we can have men.

                                     BOBBIE
                              (agreeing)
                         Yeah.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                              (reluctantly)
                         I don't know about this.

                                     DEBBIE
                         C'mon, Mother, it'll be fun.

               The girls giggle as they enter the place, with Mrs. Thomerson 
               following reluctantly behind.

               INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT

                                     PHOEBE
                         Look at that guy. What a hunk.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Check out the other guy's buns.

                                     TINA
                         Let's sit over here.

               They head for some empty tables. Debbie notices her mother 
               is still standing transfixed by the MAN on display on stage. 
               Debbie grabs her by the shoulder.

                                     DEBBIE
                         C'mon, Mom.

               On the way to the table they pass MICHAEL, the bartender, 
               who looks at them and immediately recognizes Debbie. Finding 
               this interesting, he picks up a phone and dials.

                                     MICHAEL
                              (softly; into phone)
                         Yes... is there a Rick Stahl 
                         registered there?

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               Gary, beaten up, his clothes ripped, stands amidst the guys.

                                     RICK
                         Hookers beat you up?

                                     GARY
                         Yes.

                                     RICK
                         I didn't know you were into that.

                                     CHULO
                         How could you be so stupid. I'm gonna 
                         kill you.

                                     GARY
                         Go ahead, but if you want women, we 
                         need more money.

                                     RYKO
                         This just isn't righteous.

                                     GARY
                              (angered)
                         Screw you... Do me a favor, join 
                         this decade, will ya, pal!

                                     RICK
                              (as if he's working a 
                              fundraiser)
                         Hey, now, our buddy needs help. Come 
                         on, dig into those pockets. Help 
                         this man.
                              (puts his arm around 
                              Gary)
                         Help this person help others get 
                         laid. Give till it hurts. He needs 
                         you.

               The guys take out money. Larry stands and digs into his pocket 
               for his wallet. Along with the wallet comes dozens of pills. 
               The PHONE RINGS.

                                     RICK
                         And there's our first pledge coming 
                         in --

               Rick picks up the receiver.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Hello. End Horniness Telethon. Yeah. 
                         Michael... how you doing?

               INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - MICHAEL

               He's standing behind the bar.

                                     MICHAEL
                         I'm working... Right. At 
                         Chippendale's. Guess what. Debbie 
                         and her friends just walked in.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

                                     RICK
                              (surprised)
                         Really? That's very interesting.
                              (he brightens)
                         I'll tell you what... stay there and 
                         we'll be right down. I want to check 
                         this out.

               He hangs up the phone. Gary, meantime, has collected his 
               money.

                                     GARY
                         I'll be back with women.

                                     STAN
                         I might as well have left my genitals 
                         at home, the good they're doing me 
                         here.

                                     CHULO
                              (calling after Gary)
                         Hurry back.

               Gary exits.

                                     RICK
                              (it's obvious he has 
                              something in mind)
                         While we're waiting for Gar, why 
                         don't we all go for a little fresh 
                         air.

                                     RYKO
                         Where we going?

                                     RICK
                         Out.

               The guys start toward the door.

                                     LARRY
                              (zonked and depressed)
                         Guys, I think I'd rather stay here.

                                     RICK
                         C'mon, Larry. Be good for you.

                                     LARRY
                         I just want to be alone.

                                     RICK
                         All right. Now, there's milk and 
                         cookies in the refrigerator. Go to 
                         bed right after "Falcon Crest."

               As Larry slumps on the couch, the guys exit.

               EXT. HOTEL

               Rick and the guys exit the hotel. As they exit, Mr. Thomerson 
               enters. Both parties are oblivious to the other's presence.

               INT. HOTEL

               Mr. Thomerson is greeted by a Moosehead Beer EXECUTIVE who 
               is wearing a straw hat that says "Moosehead Beer."

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         Ed, we're so glad you could come 
                         over at the last minute and judge 
                         our little beauty pageant.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         My pleasure, Al... Always happy to 
                         help out in a pinch...
                              (looking around)
                         Excuse me. I better call my service... 
                         tell them where I am.

               He enters a phone booth and starts to dial.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (to executive, covering 
                              mouthpiece)
                         I had to get out of the house anyway 
                         tonight. The wife is throwing a bridal 
                         shower for my daughter.
                              (into phone)
                         This is Ed Thomerson. Please transfer 
                         my calls to...
                              (reading number off 
                              phone)
                         220-1892. Right.

               He crosses with executive toward the ballroom.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         Congratulations on your daughter's 
                         wedding. Who's she marrying?

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         A real turd.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                              (at a loss for words)
                         Well... hope she'll be very happy.

               They exit into ballroom.

               INT. CHIPPENDALE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

               Amidst the kitchen activities we SEE Rick, O'Neill, Ryko, 
               Stan, and Michael.

                                     RICK
                         So will your friend Nick do it?

                                     MICHAEL
                         He'll do anything for money.

                                     RICK
                         I love his attitude.
                              (calling off)
                         They still out there?

               STAN

               He's peeking through the kitchen door. We SEE Debbie and the 
               shower girls whooping it up at a ringside table. Stan turns 
               back to Rick.

                                     STAN
                         Breathing heavy at ringside.

               He joins the other guys.

                                     RICK
                              (a la Long John Silver)
                         So, they want action, eh? Are you 
                         with me, me hardies?

               The guys shout approval as NICK, one of the male dancers, 
               enters carrying a tray of food. Nick is a muscled hunk.

                                     MICHAEL
                         Guys, this is Chippendale's star 
                         attraction, Nicholas Carter... better 
                         known as Nick the Dick.

                                     RYKO
                         Nick the what?

               Nick drops his pants. Since he's being SHOT only from the 
               WAIST UP, we can't see what the guys see.

                                     NICK
                              (proudly)
                         The Dick.

                                     ALL OUR GUYS
                              (astonished at this 
                              O.S. sight)
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     RICK
                         Let's get this thing going. Tray, 
                         please.

               Nick holds the tray waist high. Rick arranges the food.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Looks good. Can I have the bun, 
                         Michael?

               Michael hands Rick a hot dog bun. Rick places it on the tray. 
               He turns to Nick.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         And now, Nick... or is it Mr. Dick?

                                     NICK
                         Nick.

                                     RICK
                         Nick, if you would be so kind...

               NICK

               He holds the tray with one hand. With the other he reaches 
               OUT OF FRAME. In a nutshell, what he does is place his honker 
               in the hot dog bun. As he slaps his business into the bun, 
               we HEAR a solid THUMP.

                                     RICK
                         Nick, the rest is all yours.

                                     NICK
                              (excusing himself)
                         Gentlemen.

               He exits. As he does, our guys crowd around and peek through 
               the kitchen door.

               NICK

               We FOLLOW him as he approaches the girls' table.

                                     NICK
                         If you ladies would like to serve 
                         yourselves...

               The girls grab their orders. Mrs. T. is last. Hers is the 
               hot dog. She points to it.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Is this the foot long?

                                     NICK
                         And then some.

               Mrs. T. grabs the hot dog. It won't come off the tray. She 
               yanks harder. Nick drops the tray and Mrs. T. finally comes 
               to realize what she is pulling on. She screams in terror. 
               Because of sheer fright, she can't seem to drop Nick's schlong 
               from her grip. The rest of our ladies look to see Mrs. T. 's 
               hot dog. They scream in shock. Debbie spits out her 
               marguerita, hitting Phoebe in the face.

               OUR GUYS

               They are busting a gut watching the girls' reactions.

                                     ILENE
                         She looks up just in time to see the 
                         guys close the kitchen door.

               MRS. T

               still frozen in a state of shock. The girls try to pry her 
               hands off.

               EXT. STREET CORNER

               Several HOOKERS are standing around. Gary approaches them.

                                     GARY
                         Ladies... come here.

                                     HOOKER
                         Talk to the pimp.

               She gestures to a MAN with his back TO US.

                                     GARY
                         Let's talk.

               The PIMP turns around and we SEE he is the stereotypical 
               pimp. One big difference: he's an Indian straight from the 
               streets of Calcutta. He's soft-spoken and ever smiling and 
               he still hasn't quite mastered English.

                                     RAJAH
                              (oh-so-heavy Indian 
                              accent)
                         What can I be doing for you?

                                     GARY
                         You're a pimp?

                                     RAJAH
                         I'm telling you I am, Joe.

                                     GARY
                         I want women.

                                     RAJAH
                         That I got. Very good women. They 
                         sit on your face, anything you want.

                                     GARY
                         I'll take some.

                                     RAJAH
                         Big problem now. Soon they go to 
                         customers.

                                     GARY
                         I need them for a bachelor party at 
                         the Park View Hotel.

                                     RAJAH
                         You are being in luck. Customers in 
                         same hotel. I let you have them at 
                         cut-rate price for 45 minutes.

                                     GARY
                         Sold. 45 minutes. No problem.

                                     RAJAH
                         Not one minute longer or Milt will 
                         come for you.

                                     GARY
                         Milt?

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               MILT joins them. Milt is a massive hulk. A bearded exbiker. 
               He could have come out of an MX silo. A menacing mountain of 
               a man decked out in a cowboy hat.

                                     RAJAH
                         This being Milt.

               Milt casually takes off his hat and immediately sticks his 
               face through a nearby window, smashing it to pieces. He pulls 
               his head out, smiles and puts his hat back on.

                                     RAJAH
                              (continuing)
                         Girls back in 45 minutes or Milt 
                         cuts your balls off. Fair enough? 
                         Shake!

               Gary extends his hand and they shake.

                                     GARY
                              (to himself as he 
                              walks to his car)
                         I just bet my balls and shook on it.

               EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

               The guys are piling back out of the bus into the hotel. The 
               Manager watches them suspiciously.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               Rick, O'Neill, Ryko and Stan come back into the room.

                                     RICK
                              (concerned; calling 
                              O.S.)
                         Larry! Yo, Larry.

               Rick crosses to the bathroom door, opens it and goes in.

               RICK'S POV

               Larry is on his knees on the side of the tub with his head 
               submerged fully under several inches of water.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         What are you doing?

               Larry comes out of the water. He gasps for breath and speaks.

                                     LARRY
                         I'm killing myself.

               He takes a deep breath and submerges his head again. Rick 
               unplugs the tub and it begins to drain.

                                     RICK
                         Larry... you've got to lighten up. 
                         You and the wife can work it out.

               The water has drained from the tub, leaving Larry high and 
               dry. He lifts his head out of the tub. In his state, he's 
               unaware that the water is gone. He gasps for air as Rick 
               holds him up.

                                     RICK
                         Lar... sometimes when people are mad 
                         they say things they don't mean.

                                     LARRY
                         No, she hates me... I want to end 
                         everything here... now.

               Larry takes a deep breath and plunges his head into the tub. 
               His head hits the waterless tub bottom with a loud THUD. He 
               goes limp from the concussion. His body drapes into the tub, 
               head first.

                                     RICK
                         You okay?

                                     LARRY
                         Yeah, I guess so.

                                     RICK
                         Really?

                                     LARRY
                         Yeah. I see you're right. C'mon, 
                         let's party.

               Larry gets up and exits the room. PUSH IN ON Rick. He looks 
               after Larry, concerned.

                                     RICK
                              (to himself)
                         He ain't all right.

               ANGLE - THE LOBBY

               Cole sits in a phone booth holding the receiver impatiently.

               ANGLE WIDENS TO REVEAL THE ADJOINING PHONE BOOTH

               The receiver is off the hook. After a beat, Mr. T. crosses 
               to the phone. Cole does not see him, and vice versa.

                                     MR. T
                         Hello?

                                     COLE
                         Mr. Thomerson.

                                     MR. T
                         Yes, son, did you find out where the 
                         bachelor party is?

                                     COLE
                         Yes I did.

                                     MR. T
                         Fine. How's everything going?

                                     COLE
                         Not so good. He wouldn't listen to 
                         reason. He stole my car... my 
                         Porsche... I can't find it anywhere...

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         So, he's playing hard ball. Well, 
                         two can play that game.
                              (yelling)
                         Go after him. Stop at nothing. You 
                         hear me?

                                     COLE
                         What? I'm sorry, sir, I can't hear 
                         you.

               Looking over into the next booth, he sees Thomerson's back.

                                     COLE
                              (continuing)
                         Some fat slob in the next booth is 
                         making a lot of noise.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Well, tell the asshole to shut up.

                                     COLE
                         Right.
                              (calling off)
                         Hey, shut up. Okay, sir.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Sorry, I can't hear you. Some pin 
                         head's yelling...
                              (yelling O.S.)
                         Shut up, I'm talking here.
                              (into phone)
                         Now look, I want you to go back and 
                         I don't care what you do. Stop that 
                         marriage.

               He slams the phone down and EXITS SCREEN RIGHT. Cole starts 
               to exit left when he spots Chulo getting into the elevator.

                                     CHULO
                         Hey, man, your car's looking good.

                                     COLE
                              (crazed)
                         Where is it?

                                     CHULO
                         Out front.

               The elevator doors slam shut. Cole races out into the street.

               EXT. HOTEL

               Cole comes bursting out into the street. We can tell by his 
               shocked expression he doesn't like what he sees.

                                     COLE
                         Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

               CAMERA PANS as he charges to his Porsche. His pride and joy 
               has now, thanks to Chulo, been customized into a Chicano 
               special. It's chopped and channeled; dingleberries rim the 
               back window, flames have been painted on the rear fender; a 
               chain steering wheel, fuzzy dashboard, dice hanging from the 
               mirror. A real East L.A. beauty.

               ANGLE - COLE

               He's snapped -- totally flipped. He turns and yells up to 
               the hotel:

                                     COLE
                              (screaming)
                         Rick... Rick... Goddamn it.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE - ANGLE - RICK

               He's standing near the window.

                                     RICK
                         Gee. I think that's for me.

               He looks out the window and sees Cole standing next to his 
               transformed Porsche.

                                     COLE
                         Rick... Debbie is mine. She'll always 
                         be.

                                     RICK
                              (yelling back)
                         Cole, when was the last time you had 
                         a lobotomy?

                                     COLE
                              (furious)
                         You've had it. I'm gonna get you.

               ANGLE - THE STREET

               Cole hops in his car and drives off, blowing his HORN at 
               oncoming traffic. The HORN PLAYS "LA CUCURACHA." Cole slams 
               his fist on the steering wheel in disgust.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

                                     RICK
                              (to guys)
                         Don't you love it when old friends 
                         stop by?

                                     O'NEILL
                              (to Rick)
                         Hey, I'm starved... Let's go get 
                         something to eat. We'll bring back 
                         food for everybody.

                                     RICK
                         I'm not really hungry.

                                     O'NEILL
                         C'mon. I insist.

               He grabs Rick by the arm and leads him out of the room.

               INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT

               Rick is finishing giving the food order to a WAITER. In the 
               b.g. we SEE O'Neill talking to a BELLHOP. The Bellhop is 
               pointing to a table. O'Neill thanks him and slips him some 
               money.

                                     RICK
                         ...couple more on rye. Lots of 
                         fries... and a burger and diet soda.

               Waiter acknowledges he's got it and exits. O'Neill joins 
               Rick.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Let's sit down.

               O'Neill leads Rick to the table the Bellhop pointed out. 
               They sit down. Immediately O'Neill takes some cash from his 
               pocket and holds it under the table.

               ANGLE UNDER THE TABLE

               Huddled underneath the table, hidden by the tablecloth, is a 
               HOOKER. Her specialty is coming right up. She grabs the bills 
               from O'Neill's hand. She tucks the money in her cleavage and 
               turns her talents to Rick. She unzips his fly.

               RICK

               He reacts to the ZIP SOUND.

                                     RICK
                         What the hell is that?

                                     O'NEILL
                         My gift to you.

                                     RICK
                         Under the table!

                                     O'NEILL
                         The best table in the house.

               The Hooker has begun to do what she does best. And Rick loves 
               it.

                                     RICK
                         ...I think we can skip the wine list. 
                         Oh, gee...

               FATHER FALWELL

               enters the restaurant. He spots Rick and O'Neill and crosses 
               to them.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Boys, good evening to you.

               Rick tries to maintain his dignity. But from under the table 
               a blue ribbon job is being applied to his fun zone.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Father Falwell, good evening.

               Falwell shakes Rick's hand. Rick hangs on for dear life. 
               Pumping the hand up and down at a faster and faster rate.

                                     RICK
                         Father... Oh, yes... yes... yesssss... 
                         Oh, yesssssss!

               Falwell pries his hand loose.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         So, Rick, soon you will be a married 
                         man. How does it feel?

                                     RICK
                         Innnnnn-credible!

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Well, nice seeing you both.

               Rick's excitement heightens as the Hooker pulls out all stops.

                                     RICK
                         Ooooooooh, Jesus, Oh God, God, God, 
                         God, Oh Jesus, Jeeeesussss...

               Father Falwell looks on rather perplexed. Rick sees Falwell's 
               puzzled look.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         I was just saying grace.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         How nice.

                                     O'NEILL
                         You done?

               Before Rick can speak we HEAR a VOICE from under the table.

                                     HOOKER (O.S.)
                         Not yet.

               Rick's hand EXITS FRAME and zips up his pants. Then Rick and 
               O'Neill get up.

                                     RICK
                         Father, would you like to take our 
                         table?

               O'Neill can't believe what Rick is about to do.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Yes. Thank you.

               He sits in Rick's spot. Rick leans on the table to say his 
               final farewell to the priest. He takes this moment to get 
               some money out of his pocket and hold it under the table.

               UNDER THE TABLE

               The Hooker grabs the money.

               BACK TO SCENE

                                     RICK
                         I think you'll enjoy this table.

                                     O'NEILL
                         So long, Father.

               He and Rick, suppressing a laugh, exit. Father Falwell picks 
               up the menu. We HEAR the ZIP SOUND. Father perks up. He 
               doesn't know what the hell is happening.

               O'Neill turns to Rick as they're leaving the coffee shop.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I don't get it. Why didn't you go 
                         for it just now?

                                     RICK
                         I don't know. Maybe it's because I 
                         love Debbie or maybe it's hard for 
                         me to get off in a place that smells 
                         like egg salad. I'm not sure.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               Rick and O'Neill enter the suite. No one is there.

                                     RICK
                         Where the hell is everybody?

               Everyone jumps out from their hiding places. With our guys 
               is Gary and his team of FIVE PROSTITUTES.

                                     GARY
                         Surprise!
                              (gesturing to the 
                              girls)
                         The team bus just pulled in.

                                     STAN
                         Hookers. It's a party!

                                     RICK
                         All right!

               One of our hookers, KELLEY, gets everyone's attention.

                                     KELLEY
                         Who's first, guys?

               Everyone acts as if they're in grade school. They raise their 
               hands; they come on like kids trying to get the teacher's 
               attention.

                                     GUYS
                         Oh, me... me... me!

                                     O'NEILL
                         Wait. The guest of honor should be 
                         first.

                                     RICK
                         Nah, that's okay. My brother has to 
                         look up old people's asses all day 
                         long. Let's give him a break.

                                     STAN
                         Right. Give me the will to live. Let 
                         me go first.

                                     O'NEILL
                         A moving plea. Okay, Doc, you lead 
                         off. I'll screw clean up.

               Everyone cheers Stan's good fortune. Kelley takes Stan by 
               the hand and leads him into the bedroom. Gary turns on a 
               record and everyone starts dancing. Larry is laying out drugs 
               on a table. They consist of lines of coke and various happy 
               time pills of all colors and shapes. Rick takes a look at 
               the layout.

                                     RICK
                         How thoughtful. A drug smorgasbord.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Chulo enters. He sees the party has taken off.

                                     CHULO
                         I have returned!

               He spots a sweet-faced young hooker, LAVERNE. She is prancing 
               around in her bra and underwear. Chulo wants her.

                                     CHULO
                              (continuing; points 
                              to her)
                         You! Mine!

               Laverne is frightened of Chulo. Mainly because he's coming 
               at her like a sex-starved buffalo. Chulo goes after her. 
               Scared, she runs around the room, then out the door. Chulo 
               gives chase.

                                     RICK
                              (to O'Neill)
                         Chulo's got such a nice, light touch 
                         with women.

               INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR

               Laverne runs down the hall, closely pursued by Chulo. An all-
               female NEW WAVE BAND comes to the door. O'Neill greets them.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Terrific. You made it... You can set 
                         up over there...

               As they enter we go to --

               INT. CORRIDOR

               Chulo is on the heels of Laverne. She bursts through a door 
               to excape him.

               INT. STAGE

               Laverne finds herself on the stage of a beauty pageant, still 
               in her bra and panties. FIVE other LADIES are dressed in 
               their bathing suits. Chulo stops short of running on stage. 
               Laverne, seeking the safety of the moment, stands in line 
               with the contestants.

               ANGLE ON MR. THOMERSON AND OTHER JUDGES

               They like what they see.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (to another)
                         Great bathing suit.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                              (indicating Laverne)
                         I think I screwed that one once.

               INT. THOMERSON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Debbie and the shower guests are all in a state of undress. 
               We WATCH as they put on dresses and heavy makeup. Mrs. 
               Thomerson is still freaked out over her meeting with Nick 
               the Dick.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         I had his weiner right in my hands.

                                     ILENE
                         I told you. Men are pigs... I saw 
                         them standing there.

                                     PHOEBE
                         What a gross thing to do... gawd!

                                     ILENE
                         I bet right now Rick and his pals...
                              (she spits disdainfully)
                         ...are knee deep in whores.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         A strange wang right in my palm.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Ilene, we don't really know that.

                                     BOBBIE
                         That's what we're going to find out...

                                     DEBBIE
                         I feel like I'm spying on Rick.

                                     ILENE
                         Good. That's just what we're doing.

                                     TINA
                         I'll kill Stan if I find out he's 
                         been screwing around.

               Ilene shoves socks in her bra to enhance her cleavage and 
               defiantly slaps on her new dress.

                                     ILENE
                         Brett, are you with us?

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                              (coming out of her 
                              fog)
                         Yeah, sure... I was eye to eye with 
                         an unfamiliar pud.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               The party is taking off. The all-girl band is going ape shit. 
               The guys are dancing with the hookers. They're all moving in 
               unison, to a gyrating New Wave dance step and singing along 
               with the MUSIC.

               ANGLE - RYKO

               He's wearing gravity boots, hanging upside down, entwined 
               around one of the hookers. They're hanging there, making out 
               like crazy. Gary passes by.

                                     RYKO
                         Hey, Gary, spot me.

               ANGLE - BEDROOM DOOR

               Stan comes out of the bedroom. He's disheveled, but looks 
               very happy. He crosses to Rick.

                                     STAN
                         Thanks a lot, that was the best. 
                         You're next.

                                     RICK
                         Nah, not yet. Look, you're my older 
                         brother. I need some advice here. 
                         What's the deal with marriage? What 
                         can I expect?

                                     STAN
                         Well, the first month it's great. 
                         The second month things calm down a 
                         little. By the third month you're 
                         looking through your old girlfriends' 
                         phone numbers; by the fourth month 
                         you're numb; by the fifth month, 
                         hopefully the football season starts.

                                     RICK
                         Thanks, Stan, you've been a lot of 
                         help.

               Stan pats Rick on the back and dives into the festivities.

               ANGLE - GARY

               He spots someone across the room. It's like Tony spotting 
               Maria for the first time in "West Side Story." As in a DREAM 
               SEQUENCE, ALL SOUNDS STOP. Two pinspots hit them. She turns 
               and sees him. She smiles. Both are madly in love. Like two 
               pieces of metal attracted to the same magnet, they walk toward 
               each other.

                                     GARY
                         Hi.

                                     SHE
                         Hello.

               They take each other by the hand. They walk into the bedroom 
               and close the door behind them.

               The New Wave dance briefly continues, then comes to an end.

               ANOTHER ANGLE - THE HOTEL ROOM

               O'Neill grabs Ryko (who is just coming down from his gravity 
               bar) and Stan, who is wearing a pair of women's underwear on 
               his head.

                                     O'NEILL
                         You guys better get going. It's 
                         getting late.

                                     STAN
                         Oh, right.

               Ryko and Stan cross to the door and exit. As they do, four 
               or five pretty GIRLS are passing by in the hallway.

                                     GIRL
                         Is there a party going on in there 
                         or something?

                                     RYKO
                         Yeah. It's great. Go on in.

               The girls cross inside.

                                     STAN
                         My God. Fresh meat. Let's hurry back.

               INT. BATHROOM - TIGHT ON LARRY

               There is a pained, tragic and extremely stoned out look on 
               his face as he sighs deeply and then summons up his courage. 
               WIDEN as he looks down at his right wrist.

               He heaves another deep sigh and brings an electric razor 
               INTO FRAME. He turns it on and runs it over his wrist. Of 
               course, nothing happens. Just then Rick enters.

                                     RICK
                         What the hell are you doing?

                                     LARRY
                         I'm trying to slash my wrists.

                                     RICK
                         You're trying to kill yourself with 
                         an electric razor?

                                     LARRY
                         I couldn't find any razor blades.

                                     RICK
                         Well, this is terrific. Now you're 
                         gonna have wrists that are smooth 
                         and kissable. Just go out there. 
                         Forget about everything and laugh it 
                         up.

                                     LARRY
                              (suddenly laughs like 
                              a crazy man)
                         Ha, ha, ha.

                                     RICK
                         No, have fun first. Then laugh. Now, 
                         forget about marriage for a while. 
                         Go party.

               As he shoves Larry out, Gary enters the bathroom. His 
               expression tells us he's had the best sex of his life.

                                     RICK
                         Gary, how we doing, big stallion?

                                     GARY
                         Rick, I really think I'm in love.

                                     RICK
                         This is cause for celebration. She'll 
                         probably charge half price for sex 
                         from now on.

               Rick exits as Gary dreamily crosses to the mirror.

                                     GARY
                              (into mirror)
                         This time it's real. She's wonderful.

               Gary's "woman" enters and closes the door. Their eyes meet. 
               Gary takes her hand and kisses it gently. She turns away, 
               then lifts up the toilet seat, lifts up her dress and proceeds 
               to pee. She is a man. Gary is stunned. His jaw drops open. 
               Gary's dream girl/guy finishes his business. He drops his 
               dress and turns to Gary.

                                     SHE
                         The name's Tim. I'm always available.

               He blows a kiss and starts to leave, but turns back.

                                     SHE/TIM
                         By the way... I also do engine work 
                         on BMW's. 'Bye.

               Tim exits. Gary feels filthy. He rips open the cabinet, takes 
               out tooth paste and toothbrush and vigorously brushes his 
               teeth. He rips off his clothes and jumps in the shower and 
               scrubs as if he's scraping barnacles off a hull of a tugboat.

               EXT. STABLES - NIGHT

               Ryko and Stan drive up to a country stable. They get out of 
               the car and open a barn door. Both are pleased at what they 
               see.

                                     RYKO
                         All right.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Standing there is a donkey, eating straw.

               EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

               Cole drives up in his Chulo-customized Porsche. He gets out, 
               then reaches back into the car and takes out a crossbow (the 
               heavy duty metal kind hunters use). He looks up menacingly 
               at the hotel and spots the room where the party is going on. 
               He sees another hotel across the way. He gets an idea and 
               enters the other hotel.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               The party is going full blast. Some other girls and a couple 
               of guys (hotel guests) enter the room and are quickly swept 
               up in the spirit of the party. O'Neill approaches Rick.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Rick, I'm concerned.

                                     RICK
                         About what?

                                     O'NEILL
                         This is your bachelor party. You 
                         haven't had sex with anyone yet.

                                     RICK
                              (trying to joke his 
                              way out of it)
                         Get a few drinks into me, we'll dance 
                         and see what happens.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I got something you can't resist. I 
                         have a friend, Tracey. She wants to 
                         meet you. She loves to please.

                                     RICK
                         Oooooo.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (indicating the bedroom)
                         Right in there, pal.

                                     RICK
                         If I'm not out in a half hour, send 
                         for the paramedics.

                                     O'NEILL
                         That's the old Rick!

               Rick enters the bedroom.

               INT. BEDROOM

               It's dark, but for a lamp on the nightstand which is on. In 
               one corner of the room we SEE the figure of a woman.

                                     RICK
                         Hellooo!

               Tracey walks toward Rick. The light illuminates her. What we 
               see is truly the most beautiful woman on earth. She is totally 
               nude. A vision that would make any man screw and ask questions 
               later.

                                     RICK
                              (to himself; 
                              overwhelmed by her)
                         Eat my chair!

                                     TRACEY
                         Take me... please.

               Rick instinctively makes a move toward her. He decides to go 
               for it.

               RICK'S POV - TRACEY

               Just then a strange thing happens to Tracey's face. It 
               transforms into Debbies.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Rick stops dead in his tracks. He can't believe it. Debbie's 
               face is now on Tracey's body.

                                     TRACEY/DEBBIE
                         You promised me, Rick. You promised 
                         you wouldn't make love to anyone 
                         else.

               Rick is shaken by this. He shakes his head and wipes at his 
               eyes. Debbie's face is gone. He moves toward Tracey again.

               TRACEY

               Her face transforms into Sister Mary Francis.

                                     TRACEY/SISTER MARY FRANCIS
                         Don't go back on your word, Rick. Be 
                         true; be strong.

               Sister Mary Francis's face disappears.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

                                     RICK
                         I can't do it.

               TRACEY

               Her face becomes Stan's.

                                     TRACEY/STAN
                         You nuts? Look at me, I'm beautiful!

               Stan's face turns back to Tracey's.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               All the kids from his bus are gathered around Tracey. They're 
               egging him on.

                                     KIDS
                         Do it! Come on! Put her away! Go for 
                         it!

               Debbie's face appears on Tracey's.

                                     TRACEY/DEBBIE
                              (pleading)
                         Don't Rick.

               Debbie's face disappears. Rick can't take it anymore.

                                     RICK
                         I can't do it. I love Debbie.

               He runs out of the room, leaving a very confused Tracey in 
               his wake.

               INT. HOTEL ROOM

               O'Neill is waiting outside the bedroom door as Rick comes 
               out.

                                     O'NEILL
                         How'd it go?

                                     RICK
                         Put it to you this way -- you're 
                         gonna have to pry her out of the bed 
                         with a spatula, mister.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I'm proud of you, lad.

               Rick crosses to the bar area as O'Neill watches him go, 
               beaming.

               INT. HOTEL ROOM ACROSS THE STREET - NIGHT

               Cole enters the room. He runs to the window.

               COLE'S POV

               His window is right opposite the window in the hotel of Rick's 
               party.

               COLE

               He's pleased. Very pleased. He places an arrow into his 
               crossbow.

               COLE'S POV

               He's looking down his sights. Rick is the target... and an 
               easy one at that, for at this very moment Rick is crossing 
               past the window.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               The door opens and in walks Rajah, the Indian pimp. He looks 
               pissed. He's looking for Gary.

                                     RAJAH
                              (angry)
                         Am looking for this dunghead who 
                         took my women... He is being liar to 
                         me. 45 minutes way over.

               COLE'S POV

               He has Rick right where he wants him.

               CROSSBOW TRIGGER

               Cole's finger squeezes off a shot.

               RICK

               Luckily he starts to dance with a female guest. This takes 
               him out of line of the arrow.

               HOTEL SUITE WINDOW

               The arrow zooms through the open window.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               Rajah is standing by the door. The arrow zips through the 
               room, misses everyone and lodges in the wall inches from 
               Rajah's head. He looks at the arrow and realizes he almost 
               was killed.

                                     RAJAH
                              (frightened)
                         Holy Dung is this thing! I sic Milt 
                         on you. He get back bitches. Me? I 
                         haul ass.

               He runs out of the room. Rick and O'Neill watch Rajah exit, 
               confused.

                                     RICK
                         Who was that?

                                     O'NEILL
                         I don't know.

                                     RICK
                              (looking at arrow)
                         What's this?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Got me.

               Just then another arrow comes zipping through the room, 
               lodging in a chair inches from Rick.

                                     RICK
                              (to new arrow)
                         How 'bout this?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Still drawing a blank.

               They turn in the direction the arrow came from and look out 
               the window. They spot Cole loading his bow in the room across 
               the way.

                                     RICK
                         He look familiar?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Very.

                                     RICK
                         C'mon. Get the hookers in a circle. 
                         We better put Cochise out of business.

               They start for the door as we go to --

               INT. BACKSTAGE OF BEAUTY PAGEANT

               Chulo is waiting outside a door that says "Dressing Room." 
               Several of the beauty contestants race out wearing formal 
               gowns. Laverne follows them, wearing a very tight black dress. 
               Chulo approaches her.

                                     LAVERNE
                         Stay away from me.

                                     CHULO
                         I'm not gonna hassle you... Don't 
                         worry. You look beautiful.

                                     LAVERNE
                              (nervous)
                         Think so? I borrowed it from one of 
                         the girls. I don't look too fat?

                                     CHULO
                         You're an angel... A madonna.

               Laverne is moved by this. Before she can respond a Stage 
               Manager takes her by the arm and pushes her on stage.

                                     STAGE MANAGER
                         You're on.

               Chulo watches Laverne enter the stage to hearty applause.

               ANGLE - THE AUDIENCE

               Mr. Thomerson and the other Judges sit in the front row making 
               notes.

               MEDIUM SHOT - THE STAGE

               The girls are lined up on pedestals as the MC approaches 
               Laverne

                                     MC
                         All right, here is your question, 
                         Miss... Er...

               He looks through his cards hurriedly and is unable to find 
               Laverne's.

                                     LAVERNE
                         Rivas.

                                     MC
                         Miss Rivas... Yes... How would you 
                         solve our country's present economic 
                         problems?

                                     LAVERNE
                         Who, me?

                                     MC
                         Yes.

                                     LAVERNE
                         That's a good question. From the way 
                         I understand it, according to supply 
                         side economics, when supply exceeds 
                         demand, recession is the result. 
                         That's why I think we should control 
                         the credit markets and increase the 
                         prime rate. That way, the consumer 
                         price index will stabilize and we 
                         will have economic recovery.

               ANGLE - THE CROWD

               They break into spontaneous applause.

               ANGLE - CHULO

               He is totally blown away.

               ANGLE - LAVERNE

               She smiles broadly at the applause and walks off stage. Chulo 
               moves alongside her.

                                     CHULO
                         How'd you know all that stuff? You're 
                         a real brain.

                                     LAVERNE
                         Nah, I used to fuck a librarian.

               Chulo looks at her with awe and respect as she exits into 
               the dressing room.

                                     CHULO
                         Wow!

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT

               Debbie, her mother and the girls enter the lobby. They 
               approach the Hotel Manager, who is standing behind the front 
               desk. They are dressed garishly, like hookers. Debbie has on 
               a cheap blonde wig and mini skirt. The Manager looks at them 
               the way one would look at an approaching plague.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I don't believe we're doing this.

               The Manager crosses to them.

                                     MANAGER
                         Can I help you, ladies?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Yes, we're looking for the Stahl 
                         party.

                                     MANAGER
                         Room 1002.

               The girls turn and start toward the elevator. Mrs. Thomerson, 
               who is wearing the kind of push-up bra that makes her tits 
               look like the Black Hills, smiles at the Manager seductively. 
               He smiles back, then catches himself.

                                     MANAGER
                              (to Bellboy)
                         Those guys are asking for it.

               The girls cross to the elevator. Ilene pushes the button and 
               the doors swing open. They get inside and just before the 
               doors close, a huge behemoth of a man joins them inside. He 
               turns and faces CAMERA. It's Milt, Rajah's beefy helper. He 
               doesn't look happy as he eyes the girls. They look back at 
               him uncomfortably as the doors slam shut.

               INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR

               The elevator door opens. Milt has all the girls by the collar 
               and hustles them down the hall.

                                     ILENE
                         You're making a big mistake.

                                     MILT
                         Shut up. You still got another job 
                         to do here.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         What kind of job? I'm a housewife.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Quiet, Mother.

               Milt stops at a door and kicks it with his foot. The door 
               opens a crack at first, then swings open wide, revealing six 
               middle-aged Japanese business MEN in their underwear. They 
               smile wide at the girls, obviously thrilled with the quality 
               of the merchandise delivered to them. Milt shoves them into 
               the room.

                                     MILT
                         Get in there.

               He slams the door shut and exits.

               INT. JAPANESE GUYS' ROOM

               The guys start to move toward our panicked girls. They speak 
               to each other in Japanese (with English subtitles)

                                     JAPANESE ONE
                         Nice looking quim, huh, Bob?

                                     JAPANESE TWO
                         Yeah, you know me, Ray, I've always 
                         been a sucker for redheads.

                                     JAPANESE FOUR
                         Hubba-hubba.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Let's get out of here, girls.

               They turn toward the door. One of the Japanese races over 
               and gets there first, slamming and bolting the door shut.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Guys, take it easy. Guys.

               The girls run around the room in a panic with the Japanese 
               chasing them in very hot pursuit.

               EXT. COLE'S ROOM

               Rick, O'Neill and Tracey quietly approach Cole's door. Tracey 
               is dressed in a see-through negligee.

                                     RICK
                         This is it.
                              (he positions Tracey 
                              outside the door)
                         Go get 'im.

               He and O'Neill duck around the hallway corner, out of sight.

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               He is at the window, holding his crossbow. He is frantically 
               searching the bachelor party across the way for any sign of 
               Rick.

                                     COLE
                         Where the hell is he?

               He hears a KNOCK on the DOOR. Cole quickly hides his crossbow 
               under the bed and answers the door.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Tracey stands in the open door. Cole's jaw drops open. He 
               has never seen anything as lovely.

                                     COLE
                         Yeah?

                                     TRACEY
                         Make love to me... please.

               She walks into the room. Cole closes the door.

               INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COLE'S DOOR

               Rick and O'Neill run up to the door. They listen closely. We 
               HEAR the SOUND of Cole's SHIRT being RIPPED off, the buttons 
               flying around the room, then the SOUND of his pant ZIPPER 
               being undone.

                                     RICK
                         T minus... 3... 2... 1. We have 
                         ignition.

               e and O'Neill burst into the room and close the door.

                                     COLE (O.S.)
                         Hey!

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               O'Neill is tying the end of a sheet around the bed post. We 
               SEE the bed is minus its sheets and blankets.

                                     O'NEILL
                         All set here.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               The guys have tied the sheets and blankets together and made 
               a rope. The other end is tied around Cole's chest. And that's 
               all Cole is wearing; he's nude.

                                     COLE
                         You guys are never going to get away 
                         with this.

               Rick stuffs Cole's underwear in his mouth to gag him.

                                     RICK
                         We're just going to keep you in a 
                         safe place until after the party.

               He and O'Neill lift Cole up and put him out the window. They 
               hang onto the sheet/blanket rope and lower him slowly outside.

               EXT. HOTEL

               We SEE Cole being lowered from the window.

               CLOSER ON COLE

               He's struggling, but can do nothing about his predicament. 
               He looks down.

               COLE'S POV

               The hotel parking lot is ten stories below.

               COLE

               He looks up to the guys.

               RICK AND O'NEILL

               They look down at him from the window above.

                                     RICK
                         Now, don't get into any trouble.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Take care.

                                     RICK & O'NEILL
                         Byeeeee!

               They duck inside the window.

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               Rick, O'Neill and Tracey exit the room.

                                     RICK
                              (to Tracey)
                         Don't you wish you were a guy so you 
                         could have fun like this?

               COLE

               He's scared to death.

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               We SEE that Cole's weight is pulling the bed to the window.

               COLE

               He's slowly lowering down the side of the building.

               INT. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM

               A YOUNG COUPLE enters the room. They are very much in love. 
               He gives her a kiss and closes the door.

                                     MAN
                         Why don't you get comfortable?

               She smiles coyly and starts to undress. He crosses to the 
               closed blinds.

                                     MAN
                              (continuing)
                         There's a wonderful moon out tonight.

               He opens the blinds, revealing Cole's ass pressed up against 
               the window.

               WOMAN

               She screams, horrified.

               INT. JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN'S ROOM

               The girls are being hotly pursued by the Japanese men.

                                     JAPANESE/RAY
                              (subtitled)
                         Hey, Bob, this beats the shit out of 
                         sushi, doesn't it?

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               The bed moves right up against the wall under the window. We 
               SEE the end tied to the bed post is beginning to untie.

               COLE

               He's panicked.

               INT. COLE'S ROOM

               The knot unties.

               COLE

               He falls OUT OF FRAME. The "rope" trailing behind.

               INT. CAR

               The young couple from the room are seated in his sportscar. 
               He's cranking open the sun roof.

                                     MAN
                         Babe, I didn't know anything about 
                         that.

               The sun roof opens. Suddenly Cole's ass sticks through it. 
               The Woman freaks out again.

               EXT. SPORTSCAR

               We SEE a groggy Cole sitting in the sun roof. The Man in the 
               car is trying to calm down his lady.

               INT. BANQUET ROOM - BACKSTAGE

               Chulo and Laverne are standing in the wings while in the 
               b.g. we can SEE the MC singing the Moosehead Beer jingle. 
               Then:

                                     MC
                         All right, can we have our five 
                         finalists, please.

                                     CHULO
                         Good luck, Laverne.

               Laverne and the five finalists go out on stage.

               ANGLE - MR. THOMERSON

               He gives an envelope to the MC.

                                     MC
                         Thank you, Mr. Thomerson. Well, the 
                         judges have made their decision, and 
                         this year's Miss Moosehead Beer is...

               ANGLE - THE GIRLS

               They are all nervous, especially Laverne.

                                     MC
                         Laverne Rivas.

               Laverne squeals with delight and hugs the MC as he puts the 
               bejeweled crown on her head. Then the MC leads her to the 
               microphone.

                                     LAVERNE
                              (teary-eyed)
                         I can't believe it. This is the 
                         happiest day of my life, and I owe 
                         it all to him.

               She points O.S. to Chulo, Chulo, with tears in his eyes, 
               comes out on stage and, in a surge of emotion, picks Laverne 
               up off her feet and hugs her passionately.

               ANGLE - THE JUDGES

                                     JUDGE
                         I know I've had that girl.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (looking at Chulo)
                         And I know that guy from somewhere, 
                         too.

               The other judge looks at Mr. Thomerson suspiciously.

               EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

               CAMERA PUSHES IN TO a car in the parking lot which is towing 
               a U-Haul trailer behind it. The car stops and turns off its 
               lights.

               INT. CAR

               Stan and O'Neill sit in the car looking at the hotel.

                                     STAN
                         How the hell are we supposed to get 
                         this donkey inside?

                                     RYKO
                         I don't know.

                                     STAN
                         What? I thought you told me you had 
                         it all figured out.

                                     RYKO
                         Maybe I did... I don't remember.

                                     STAN
                              (through clenched 
                              teeth)
                         I'd love to get you in an operating 
                         room. Just once.

               ANGLE - HOTEL ENTRANCE

               Just then the "Moose" from the beauty pageant steps outside 
               the hotel for a smoke.

               The guy in front removes the head, takes a drag of his 
               cigarette and passes it to the guy bringing up the rear. 
               After a beat, smoke steams out the rear end of the costume.

               ANGLE - THE GUYS IN THE CAR

               They both have the same idea. They stroll out of the car and 
               approach the two men in the moose suit. We can't hear what 
               they're saying, but we can SEE the bills Stan is taking out 
               of his pocket. Ryko grabs the moosehead and runs over to the 
               trailer with it.

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

               The door opens and Stan and Ryko enter pulling the "Moose" 
               by a rope.

                                     RYKO
                         Can you believe how perfect it fits?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Who'd have thought they'd both 
                         be a size 138 regular.

               Just then Rick and O'Neill saunter into the lobby.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Hey, you guys...

                                     RICK
                         Who's your friend?

                                     STAN
                              (keeping it a surprise)
                         Oh... it's... er... the guys from 
                         the beer convention. We're bringing 
                         them to the party.

                                     RICK
                         Great.
                              (to moose)
                         I was wondering, how do you guys go 
                         to the bathroom in that thing?

               At that moment he HEARS a SPLAT hit the ground. The guys 
               look down and see a large, shiny clump of shiny brown 
               excrement nestled in the shag carpet.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Say no more.

               The Manager crosses to them.

                                     MANAGER
                         I don't know which one of you did 
                         this, but you're not going anywhere 
                         till you clean up this disgusting 
                         mess.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (resigned)
                         Anybody got a paper towel or a shovel 
                         or something?

               All the guests turn away in disgust. Stan takes out a 
               handkerchief and hands it to Rick, who closes his eyes and 
               picks up the warm little bundle. The Manager turns and walks 
               off in a huff. On the way back to the elevator, Rick checks 
               to see no one is watching and places the handkerchief's 
               contents on the front desk, just OUT OF FRAME. Smiling 
               contentedly, the guys lead the reluctant "moose" into the 
               elevator. The doors slam shut.

               ANGLE AT THE DESK

               The Manager is just finishing checking in a couple from out 
               of town.

                                     MANAGER
                         I'll have the boy take your bags up.

               He goes to hit the bell and to his surprise, his hand comes 
               down on something soft and mushy. The look on his face tells 
               us what it is. It's the "gift" Rick left behind.

                                     MANAGER
                              (to couple)
                         Excuse me. I seem to have a hand 
                         full of potty.

               Revolted, he races into a room marked "MEN."

               ANGLE - BALLROOM DOORS

               The doors open and several people from the Moosehead beauty 
               pageant come out. Mr. Thomerson is one of them.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         Thanks for helping us out, Ed. We 
                         appreciate it.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Any time, Al.

               Mr. T. crosses to the door just as Cole comes running in, 
               slightly dazed, wrapped in the tattered remnants of the sheet 
               that held him suspended out the window. They both are shocked 
               to see one another.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Cole, my God, boy, what are you doing 
                         here? What happened?

                                     COLE
                              (nearly hysterical)
                         The bachelor party's upstairs. They 
                         made me get naked. They hung me from 
                         the window so high up it was so scary 
                         I fell down...

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Take hold of yourself. What room are 
                         they in?

                                     COLE
                         1002. 

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         All right, I'll go up there and take 
                         care of this myself.
                              (disgusted)
                         You look awful, son. Go find yourself 
                         some clothes.

                                     COLE
                         Yes, sir.

               With a determined look, Thomerson crosses to the elevator, 
               as Cole runs into the hotel gift shop.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

               Rick, Ryko, Stan, O'Neill enter with the "moose."

                                     RICK
                         Hi, guys. We brought back a friend.

                                     LARRY
                         It's Bullwinkle.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Gentlemen... Ladies... For your 
                         viewing pleasure, meet Mike the 
                         Magical Sexual Mule.

               O'Neill lifts the head off the moose costume, revealing a 
               real burro. The burro shows all his teeth as burros are apt 
               to do when excited. O'Neill and Stan zip off the rest of his 
               costume, revealing a well-endowed beast.

                                     RICK
                              (surprised)
                         How about this, a Trojan donkey.

                                     O'NEILL
                         And here's Mike's partner, in more 
                         ways than one. A gal who doesn't 
                         think happiness ends with primates. 
                         The very lovely, Miss Desiree...

               DESIREE, an erotic, tall woman wearing a leather face mask, 
               comes out of the bedroom carrying a long whip. Desiree puts 
               Ravel's "Bolero" on the PHONOGRAPH; then she starts to sway 
               her hips sensuously in front of the animal.

               ANGLE - THE PARTY GUESTS

               They all scream and holler approval.

               ANGLE - DESIREE

               She rubs up against the donkey, shaking her backside against 
               the animal's.

                                     RICK
                         Swell. She's gonna pin her tail on 
                         the donkey.

               Now all eyes are on Desiree as she does an erotic striptease.

               ANGLE - THE DONKEY

               It is getting bored and a little hungry. It bends its head 
               to the left and spots the table with food on it. It bends 
               over and starts munching on some cole slaw.

               ANGLE - DESIREE

               To the catcalls of the partygoers, Desiree is getting all 
               worked up, stripping down to a G-string.

               THE DONKEY

               It's had enough cole slaw. Now it sniffs at Larry's drug 
               smorgasbord and then starts to chomp on a few pills. Next it 
               sticks its head into the lines of coke and snorts them up in 
               one gigantic sniff.

               ANGLE - DESIREE

               She lets her long, flowing hair hang down over her breasts. 
               Then she takes a mattress and sets it on the floor. She rolls 
               on it and sways her hips sensuously on her knees.

               ANGLE - HER AUDIENCE

               Rick can't believe he's seeing this. The other guys are 
               screaming at the top of their lungs. Even Larry seems spell-
               bound.

               ANGLE - THE DONKEY

               It doesn't look so hot as it finishes off every drug on the 
               table.

               ANGLE - DESIREE

               She moves over to the donkey, hits him on the side gently 
               with her whip, then pulls him over to her mattress. The 
               donkey's blood-shot eyes are the size of saucers. Once again 
               he shows his teeth in a kind of shit-eating grin. Desiree 
               drops to the mattress and beckons the animal to her. Mike 
               the Donkey obediently does as he's told, moving to her in a 
               trance-like, very turned-on state.

                                     DESIREE
                         C'mon, Mike... Come to Mama.

               The Donkey takes another step forward, and then suddenly 
               rears up on his hind legs, snorting. He starts bucking wildly. 
               The crowd moves out of his way as the animal goes berserk 
               for a few seconds, then without warning collapses in a heap 
               on the floor.

               Everyone goes rushing up to it.

               Chulo and Laverne enter the room, followed by several of the 
               other contestants and others from the beauty pageant.

                                     CHULO
                              (excited)
                         Hey, you guys, I'm getting married.
                              (to Laverne)
                         We're gonna make lots of kids.

               He looks over and sees everyone gathered around Mike.

                                     CHULO
                         What the hell happened?

               Gary shushes him. We PUSH IN ON Dr. Stan, who is listening 
               for signs of life in the animal's chest. Finally Stan stands 
               up somberly.

                                     STAN
                         Drug overdose.

                                     DESIREE
                         You mean it's...

                                     STAN
                         Afraid so. I did everything I could.

                                     LARRY
                         It's my fault. He's dead because... 
                         I left those drugs...

                                     RICK
                         It's really not all your fault. I 
                         was talking to Mike earlier and he 
                         had a lot of problems. Personal 
                         things, you know. Made some bad 
                         investments. At least now he's 
                         peaceful...

                                     O'NEILL
                         C'mon, we gotta get this thing out 
                         of here.

               O'Neil places the moosehead on the donkey as Rick, Gary, 
               Chulo and Stan pull the donkey out into the hall like 
               pallbearers at a funeral.

               INT. HALLWAY

               Mr. Thomerson, who's been standing at the door, takes this 
               time to sneak into the suite right behind them.

               INT. RICK'S SUITE

               Mr. Thomerson can't believe the goings-on. People are making 
               out, drinking and dancing. He hides in a corner to watch 
               undercover.

               ANGLE IN CORRIDOR

               The guys shove the donkey onto the elevator and the doors 
               snap shut.

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY

                                     MANAGER
                              (on phone)
                         Yes... I see... Of course we don't 
                         allow that sort of thing here, ma'am. 
                         No... Well, I'm sorry the noise woke 
                         you. I'll take care of it right away.

               He hangs up and crosses to the elevator.

                                     MANAGER
                         I've had enough of this.

               Just then the elevator door swings open. The donkey falls 
               out into the lobby. The Manager screams in terror, as do 
               several of the hotel guests.

                                     MANAGER
                              (continuing)
                         That's it. I'm calling the cops.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

               Some more uninvited guests come drifting into the room.

                                     RICK
                         Welcome, welcome, one and all.

                                     MR. THOMERSON (O.S.)
                         Rick!

                                     RICK
                              (recognizing the voice)
                         Oh, no!

               He turns and spots Mr. Thomerson as he makes his way through 
               the party.

                                     RICK
                         Christ... it's Mr. Laughs.

               Mr. Thomerson goes nose to nose with Rick.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         This is it. You're through. When 
                         Debbie hears about this she'll never 
                         see you again. Now I'm calling the 
                         cops to break up this sex orgy... 
                         And toss your ass in jail!

               He turns away and walks OUT OF FRAME. O'Neill crosses to 
               Rick.

                                     O'NEILL
                         What are you going to do about it?

                                     RICK
                              (defeated)
                         What can I do? I'm dead. Debbie's 
                         going to go crazy and end the whole 
                         thing.

                                     O'NEILL
                         I'll stop him... You stall him.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               Mr. Thomerson is heading for the phone in the bedroom.

                                     RICK
                         Mr. Thomerson!

               Thomerson stops and turns to Rick.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing; dramatic)
                         Please, no. Don't ruin my life. 
                         Please!

               He drops to his knees and hugs Thomerson's legs. The party 
               stops and everyone watches.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         It's not me. I was brought up on the 
                         wrong side of the tracks. A victim 
                         of my environment...

               INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - O'NEILL AND LARRY

               Larry is handing O'Neill a plastic bag filled with white 
               powder.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Is that all the coke in the place?

                                     LARRY
                         That's it.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Good.

               O'Neill unscrews the mouthpiece off the phone. He pours the 
               bag of cocaine into the phone. He then screws the mouthpiece 
               back on over this mound of powder. Satisfied with his work, 
               he exits the bedroom.

               INT. SUITE - MAIN ROOM

               Thomerson is trying to free himself from Rick's grasp as 
               Rick continues with his "hard luck" story.

                                     RICK
                         My poor old mammy had to take in 
                         laundry. My pappy had to work 20 
                         hours a day at the Pez Factory.

               ANOTHER ANGLE

               O'Neill gestures to Rick that everything's ready. Rick 
               immediately jumps to his feet.

                                     RICK
                         The end.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         No sob story is going to change my 
                         mind.

               Mr. Thomerson pushes O'Neill aside and enters the bedroom.

                                     O'NEILL
                         The phone's all yours.

               Mr. Thomerson, in the bedroom, picks up the receiver. As he 
               does so, a cloud of cocaine falls out of the mouthpiece. He 
               screams at Rick, gesturing with the phone in his hand as he 
               dials. Each move produces a large cloud of powder, which 
               causes him to sniffle slightly.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         I never liked you. I've never liked 
                         any of your friends. I've hated you 
                         from the first time I saw you. And 
                         now you are out of my life. You are 
                         out of my life!

               He starts to react from inhaling the powder. He puts the 
               receiver to his ear. He takes a deep breath and tries to 
               dial another number. A large cloud of coke flies up his nose. 
               He's stunned. He takes another deep drag. He's hooked. He 
               forgets all about dialing. He jams the receiver against his 
               nose and takes deep drag after deep drag.

               Desiree, still wearing her leather mask, crosses to him and 
               sits down next to him on the bed. He gives her a big, wide 
               smile.

               O'Neill closes the door.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Reach out and snort someone.

                                     RICK
                         I'm saved. Let's party!

               Everyone starts to whoop it up again.

               INT. JAPANESE SUITE

               It's still a standoff between the girls and the horny 
               Japanese.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Let's give them what they want.

                                     PHOEBE
                         What?

               Debbie opens the bedroom door and motions for the Japanese 
               to file in.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Let's go. Everyone inside.

               The Japanese immediately put two and two together and get 
               orgy. These are some happy fellas as they enter the bedroom.

                                     BOBBIE
                         Deb, we're pretending to be hookers.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (herding in the last 
                              Japanese)
                         Right in here. The big show starts 
                         in one minute.

               The Japanese man enters the room. Debbie slams the door shut 
               behind him.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Let's go.

                                     ILENE
                         Look, girls -- I'll stay behind and 
                         hold them off. The rest of you break 
                         for it!

                                     DEBBIE
                         Ilene, are you crazy?

                                     ILENE
                         I know what I'm doing... Go!

               The girls run out the door.

               INT. JAPANESE BEDROOM

               Ilene smiles. She has what she wants. She walks into the 
               bedroom, surrounded by panting Japanese.

                                     ILENE
                         Gentlemen, the gods have answered 
                         your prayers... Bonzai!

               She takes a running leap and dives on top of the Japanese.

               INT. CORRIDOR

               Debbie and the ladies run to an elevator. Debbie presses the 
               "down" button.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         I hope Ilene's all right.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I hope those guys are all right.

               The elevator door opens, revealing the donkey lying flat on 
               his back. His stiff legs point skyward. The girls see him 
               and scream. They run down the hall to the stairway. On the 
               way Debbie notices she's passing Room 1002. She HEARS the 
               party SOUNDS inside.

               She heads for the room angrily. This is a lady out to even a 
               score.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

               As Debbie opens the door, her father walks by with Desiree 
               on his arm. Neither sees the other. Debbie enters the room. 
               She is surprised by the masses of humanity rubbing shoulders 
               with one another in the room.

               O'Neill looks over from the other side of the room and spots 
               her. He isn't fooled for a minute by her wig and mini skirt. 
               He runs over to Rick.

                                     O'NEILL
                         Guess who's here? Another surprise 
                         guest.

                                     RICK
                         Who?

                                     O'NEILL
                         Debbie.

                                     RICK
                         My Debbie?

                                     O'NEILL
                         What's with her costume?

               O'Neill points and Rick sees Debbie. She doesn't see them.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         I don't know... Go up to her, make 
                         like you don't know her and send her 
                         into the other bedroom.

                                     O'NEILL
                         You got it.

               O'Neill crosses to Debbie.

                                     O'NEILL
                              (continuing)
                         Hi, baby. You're new here. I don't 
                         think the groom's had you yet, has 
                         he?

               PUSH IN ON Debbie. She's pissed.

                                     DEBBIE
                         No, not yet. Where is he?

               INT. BEDROOM

               Rick opens the door from the bathroom. The lights are turned 
               off and from the flashing illumination of a neon sign outside 
               the window we can MAKE OUT the outline of Debbie's body on 
               the bed.

                                     RICK
                         I can't see anything.

               Debbie, in a disguised Southern accent, speaks out.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Don't turn on the lights, sugar.
                              (seductively)
                         I'll lead you around.

                                     RICK
                         How wonderful. A seeing eye hooker.

                                     DEBBIE
                         Why don't you get undressed.

               Rick starts to undress. While undressing, he takes on the 
               persona of Mr. Rodgers. He sings Rodgers' opening theme in 
               that same sappy, child-like manner of his.

                                     RICK
                              (singing)
                         It's a lovely day in the neighborhood. 
                         It's a lovely day, it's a beauty, 
                         would you be mine, could you be mine.
                              (he's now stripped 
                              down to his underwear)
                         ...Please won't you be my neighbor.
                              (as Mr. Rodgers)
                         Hi... Hi there... Today we're going 
                         to learn about anatomy...

               He jumps on top of her and starts mauling her passionately. 
               Debbie snaps on the lights. She throws off her wig and she 
               and Rick come face to face.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Debbie... you're a hooker! I can't 
                         believe it!

               She all but jumps out of bed.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I can't trust you!

                                     RICK
                         C'mon, I knew it was you.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (holding back tears)
                         Rick, you're lying!

               As Rick protests, she throws on her blouse and runs out of 
               the room. Rick charges after her.

               INT. HOTEL SUITE - MAIN ROOM

               The place is wall to wall people.

               ANGLE - DEBBIE

               She tries to make her way to the exit, but her path is slowed 
               by all the happy revelers.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (yelling over the 
                              din; furious)
                         Let go of me!

                                     RICK
                              (yelling back)
                         Debbie, I'm telling you, I didn't do 
                         anything, hardly.

                                     DEBBIE
                         The marriage is off. Now you can 
                         screw around with your friends for 
                         the rest of your life.

                                     RICK
                         I don't want that. I want to be with 
                         you.

                                     DEBBIE
                         And I want to be with someone who 
                         understands the meaning of the word 
                         commitment.

                                     RICK
                         I am committed. I love you.

               Just then Desiree and Mr. Thomerson cross THROUGH FRAME. 
               She's leading him around by the silver chain, which is now 
               attached to his neck. She's also carrying a leather whip.

                                     DEBBIE
                         I don't believe you.

                                     RICK
                         You don't believe me? Okay, fine.

               Rick gets up on the sofa and yells loudly over the din.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         People! Can I have your attention... 
                         people!

               Everyone stops what they're doing and looks up.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         I want to ask you all a question. 
                         Have I had sex with anybody in this 
                         room tonight?

               There's a negative response from the crowd.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Are you sure?

               Everyone responds positively.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         Thank you.

               All the guests go back to partying. Rick drops off the sofa 
               and faces Debbie.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         See? And these are not just ordinary 
                         party-goers -- there are professionals 
                         in this crowd -- I didn't want any 
                         of them. You... You're what I want. 
                         Understand?

                                     DEBBIE
                              (melted)
                         Yes...

                                     RICK
                         Great. Now, what do you want to do 
                         about it?

                                     DEBBIE
                              (sexy)
                         Let's get naked.

                                     RICK
                         You're on.

               She takes him by the hand and crosses into the other bedroom.

               INT. OTHER BEDROOM

               Rick and Debbie enter. To their surprise they find a man 
               wearing a leather mask tied to the bed and happily licking 
               Desiree's boots, which she dangles in front of him. She also 
               holds a whip over his head. Despite the mask, there is 
               something very familiar about his face, and the white powder 
               encrusted all over his nose.

               Debbie picks up on this immediately.

                                     DEBBIE
                              (shocked)
                         Daddy?

               Sure enough, Mr. Thomerson looks up and grimaces, knowing 
               he's been caught with his bondage down. He tries to say 
               something, but the boot in his mouth prevents anything 
               intelligent from coming out.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Ebbie. Ger... umph... lable...

                                     RICK
                         Of course, sir. That explains it. 
                         Leather is a very good source of 
                         vitamin E.

               INT. SUITE - MAIN ROOM

               The party has reached fever pitch. Suddenly police SIRENS 
               pierce through the party sounds. Everyone freezes. We HEAR 
               the Hotel Manager BEATING on the DOOR with his fists.

               INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR

               The Manager is pounding on the door. By his side are several 
               UNIFORMED POLICE.

                                     MANAGER
                         You're all under arrest. Open up!

               INT. HOTEL SUITE

                                     RICK
                              (to everyone in the 
                              room)
                         Your attention, please. May I be the 
                         first to say, It's a raid!

               Everyone starts to panic and run for the doors.

                                     RICK
                              (continuing)
                         I'm glad no one is panicking.

               He snaps up his clothes from the bedroom.

               INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR

                                     MANAGER
                              (to Police)
                         Break it in, boys!

               The cops rear back for a run at the door. At that moment the 
               hotel door opens up and the cops and the Manager are trampled 
               by Rick, Debbie, Mr. Thomerson, Rick's gang, other guests 
               and assorted hookers. They run down the stairs. The cops 
               pick themselves up and give chase. The Manager looks inside 
               the room and is devastated by what he sees... Hiroshima looked 
               better after the A-bomb.

               INT. HOTEL LOBBY

               We SEE the police have collared Bobbie, Phoebe, Mrs. Thomerson 
               and the other ladies of the shower as hooker suspects. Our 
               bachelor party mob now charges down the stairs and out the 
               hotel doors.

               The cops grab Mr. Thomerson as he tries to get out, and they 
               throw him in line with the others. Unfortunately for him, 
               he's standing next to Mrs. Thomerson.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         Ed! What are you doing here?

               Before he can answer, Mrs. Thomerson checks out his shocking 
               leather outfit.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                              (angry)
                         Ed... you're kinky!

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         The phone made me do it!

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                              (shocked)
                         You've been having strange sex...!

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         No, Brett, I...

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         It's all right...
                              (proudly)
                         So have I.

               He is totally blown away by this as the cops lead them out 
               of the room.

                                     MRS. THOMERSON
                         I've seen another man's diddly.

               EXT. HOTEL - MORNING

               Our people pile out of the hotel. Rick, Debbie and all Rick's 
               friends run down the street.

               Suddenly a Porsche pulls up between Rick and Debbie. It's 
               Cole. He reaches over and pulls Debbie into the car with 
               him. She screams.

                                     RICK
                         Cole, what the hell are you doing?

                                     COLE
                         She's mine!

               He drives off.

                                     RICK
                         He's kidnapped her! Everyone into 
                         the bus!

               They all board the bus.

               EXT. CITY STREET

               As Cole rounds a corner, a tire comes loose and rolls off 
               the car -- thanks to Chulo's shoddy workmanship.

               INT. PORSCHE

                                     COLE
                         Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

               He looks to the rear and sees Rick's bus not far behind them. 
               Suddenly he spots something O.S. He grabs Debbie and runs 
               OUT OF FRAME.

               EXT. CITY STREET

               A city maintenance truck is driving slowly down the center 
               of the street. A man in the back of the truck is leisurely 
               placing orange cones in the center line of the road.

               Cole, with Debbie in tow, grabs the truck's DRIVER and hauls 
               him out of his seat. He then places Debbie inside the truck 
               and him at the wheel. He peels out. Our man with the cones 
               in the back is unaware of what has happened. He keeps placing 
               the cones on the street. However, now the truck is hitting 
               speeds in the upper 70's. The man's leisure pace speeds up. 
               He rapidly places cones on the road at break-neck speed.

               INT. RICK'S BUS

               Rick, is plowing into the cones and knocking them all over.

               MAINTENANCE TRUCK

               Our man with the cones is almost completely exhausted.

               EXT. HIGHWAY

               Rick is in pursuit, knocking over cones. He's almost caught 
               up with Cole.

               EXT. STREET

               The vehicles reach the top of the hill. Cole grabs a sharp 
               left and pulls into a movie theater parking lot. The maneuver 
               loses Rick for a second. Rick jams on the brakes and doubles 
               back into the parking lot.

               EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT

               Cole pulls up with a SCREECH in front of the theater. He 
               grabs Debbie and jumps out of the truck. He drags her into 
               the theater entrance.

               Rick brings his bus to a stop and he and the gang pour out 
               of the bus.

                                     COLE
                         He and Debbie stand outside the 
                         theater, which is a multi-plex cinema. 
                         Fourteen movie theaters under one 
                         roof. Prominent is a sign which reads: 
                         "24 HOUR 3D FESTIVAL!" Cole drags 
                         Debbie into one of the theaters. The 
                         gang runs up to the theaters.

                                     RICK
                         Fan out and look for them.

               They all go running into various theaters.

               ANGLE - RYKO

               He approaches a theater and sees the title of the movie 
               playing inside.

                                     RYKO
                         Aw, I've seen this one already.

               Rick chooses a theater and goes inside.

               INT. MOVIE THEATER

               The patrons are wearing their 3D glasses, watching the action 
               on the screen. On the movie screen we SEE a man and a woman 
               arguing. Cole and Debbie enter the theater. They run down to 
               the front of the screen, heading for an exit. Rick enters. 
               He gives chase and catches up with Cole.

               He takes a swing at Cole and Cole swings back. Behind them 
               on the screen a man has come to the rescue of the woman.

               A fight starts in the movie, also. The patrons sit calmly 
               watching the action. Miraculously, Rick's fight with Cole is 
               in perfect sync with the actors in the movie. Rick hits Cole 
               with a punch that sends him backwards into several movie 
               patrons. The patrons are impressed by the realism of the 
               film's special effects. Cole throws a punch. Rick ducks. The 
               punch hits a MAN in the front row in the mouth.

                                     MAN
                              (to LADY next to him)
                         Gee, what a realistic effect.

                                     WOMAN
                         Yeah, like you're in the movie with 
                         them.

               Rick climbs over several rows and continues to pummel Cole. 
               Cole grabs a woman's purse and begins to hit Rick with it. 
               Cole runs out of the aisle as Rick climbs over people and 
               dives onto Cole, knocking him to the aisle.

                                     PATRON
                              (to his date)
                         Best 3D I've ever seen.

               As the movie ends, Rick has Cole by the collar and is dragging 
               him out of the theater.

               INT. MALL OUTSIDE THEATER

               Rick exits the theater with Cole. He tosses Cole to Chulo. 
               Debbie comes running behind Rick.

                                     RICK
                              (to Debbie)
                         Are you okay?

                                     DEBBIE
                         Yeah.

                                     RICK
                         This has been quite a night. Here's 
                         a thought. Why don't we go home and 
                         give our private parts a workout?

                                     DEBBIE
                              (hugging him)
                         You're so romantic...

               The Patrons are exiting. All of them are very up and excited 
               by their 3D experience.

                                     WOMAN
                         Absolutely amazing.

               A Man who has taken a punch and has had his jacket ripped to 
               shreds doesn't seem pleased.

                                     MAN
                         I've seen better.

               EXT. BLUFF - DAY

               It's another gorgeous day on the bluff overlooking the ocean. 
               Just right for Rick and Debbie's wedding. We SEE the wedding 
               in progress. The area is adorned with flowers.

               The many guests are seated and taken in the moment. Among 
               these are Tracey, Desiree and Gary's she-man, who waves to 
               Gary as he stands with the other ushers, Chulo, Ryko and 
               Larry. Chulo is choked up and trying to hide his tears. He 
               looks over at Laverne, who smiles to him.

                                     CHULO
                              (to Ryko)
                         Hey, man, don't forget my bachelor 
                         party's next Friday night.

                                     GARY
                         I'll get the hookers.

                                     RYKO
                         No way.

               Nearby stand the maids of honor, Bobbie, Phoebie and Ilene, 
               who blows a kiss to her date, Ray (one of the Japanese 
               businessmen).

               The Thomersons sit in the front row. Neither of them is 
               cherishing this moment.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                              (sotto; to Mrs. 
                              Thomerson)
                         We'll have morons for grandkids.
                              (resigned to the fact)
                         But... at least we'll have grandkids.

               They sort of smile at each other at the thought.

               Father Falwell is almost through with the ceremony. A car 
               pulls up in the b.g. Exiting the car is Stan and a WOMAN. 
               O'Neill, the best man, sees the car. He pokes Rick. He 
               indicates to Rick someone has arrived.

               STAN

               We SEE the man in the car is Stan. He ushers the lady in the 
               car to Larry. He's surprised at who she is: his wife.

                                     LARRY
                         Sue!

                                     SUE
                         Hi, honey.

                                     LARRY
                         How'd you get here?

                                     SUE
                         Rick called me.

               Larry looks to Rick and gives him a warm smile and a wave. 
               Rick acknowledges Larry.

                                     LARRY
                         Why don't we go someplace and talk.

               They walk off.

               FATHER FALWELL

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Now, before I pronounce you man and 
                         wife, the groom wishes to recite his 
                         vow to Debbie. Richard.

                                     THOMERSONS
                         They fear the worst.

                                     MR. THOMERSON
                         Oh, God Almighty.

               RICK

               He turns to Debbie. He waits a beat and begins.

                                     RICK
                         Cheese. I love you more than cheese. 
                         And I love cheese a lot.

                                     THOMERSONS
                         They hide their faces in their hands. 
                         Off in the distance a storm is coming 
                         in fast over the ocean. The wind 
                         begins to pick up. Undaunted, Rick 
                         continues his soliloquy.

                                     RICK
                         In fact, more than dairy products in 
                         general. I love dairy. My love is 
                         cream. Pour me on the cereal of your 
                         life...

               Now it starts to rain.

               FATHER FALWELL

               He wants this to end. He calls softly to Rick, trying to get 
               his attention.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                         Rick. Rick. Hey...

               People begin to scurry for cover. In the b.g., under a tree, 
               we SEE Larry and his wife huddled in each other's arms. From 
               the way they look, they have worked things out.

               RICK

                                     RICK
                         I think this song pretty much sums 
                         up the way I feel at this moment.

               He begins to sing the theme from "The Flintstones" with all 
               the gusto of Jack Jones.

               Father Falwell has had enough.

                                     FATHER FALWELL
                              (rapid fire)
                         I now pronounce you man and wife. 
                         Goodbye.

               He blesses them lightning fast and springs for his car.

               THE SCENE

               CREDITS ROLL as Rick continues to sing in the driving rain. 
               Debbie joins in on the chorus. She loves her man.

               Everyone has run for the safety of their cars. Everyone but 
               the Thomersons, who sit and look on bewildered.

                                     RICK AND DEBBIE
                         "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones 
                         They're a prehistoric family From 
                         the town of Bedrock They're a page 
                         right out of history..."

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         THE END