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Cedar Rapids Movie Script

Writer(s) : Phil Johnston

Genres : Comedy

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                          CEDAR RAPIDS



                           Written by

                         Phil Johnston
                         
                         
                                                                 DRAFT:
                                                          June 12, 2009


          FADE IN ON:
                         
                         
          A SHODDILY PRODUCED TV COMMERCIAL
                         
          The ad depicts videotaped scenes from Wisconsin's north
          country-- a farmer and a cow, a woman waterskiing, a guy
          mowing his lawn. A flat, nasally V.O. accompanies the images.
                         
           ROGER LEMKE (V.O.)
           The Brown River Valley: It's where
           we work. It's where we play. It's
           where we live. But even here in
           paradise, accidents can happen.
                         
          The ad wipes to an inappropriately gruesome photo of an
          obviously fatal car wreck. The NARRATOR is chroma-keyed over
          the image. He is ROGER LEMKE, 40, blandly charismatic, with a
          blonde moustache that evokes a low-rent Tom Selleck.
                         
           ROGER LEMKE (CONT'D)
           At Northlands Insurance, our goal is
           to provide high quality insurance
           services and related products to
           businesses and individuals in
           Wisconsin's Northlands. I'm Roger
           Lemke. Not only do I care about you,
           we also endeavor to give you the
           coverage you need at the best prices
           around. It's that reason Northlands
           has been awarded the prestigious Two
           Diamond Award from the American
           Society of Mutual Insurers three
           years running. Because at Northlands
           Insurance, we insure your dreams.
                         
          The car accident photo dissolves into a sunset. The treacly
          music crescendos and we:
                         
           MATCH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. NORTHLANDS INSURANCE - DAY
                         
          The ad has been playing on a 13-inch TV in a small, wood-
          paneled office. A handful of EMPLOYEES and FAMILY MEMBERS
          applaud wildly. The proud owner of Northlands, BILL KROGSTAD,
          60, embraces the man of the hour, Roger Lemke.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Ho-lee Christmas, knocked her outta
           the park, Roger! Out of the G-D
           park, you sonofagun!
           2.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          ROGER LEMKE
           Hell, I'm just a pretty face, Bill.
           That copy was all you. Do got one
           little gripe though, boss-- if
           you'd waited until after Cedar
           Rapids we could've said winner of
           the Two Diamonds four years
           running!
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD ROGER LEMKE
          Aroo-aroo! Two Diamonds! Two Diamonds!
                         
          The men roughhouse playfully. Roger's comely wife, GWEN, 30,
          holding their milk-fed TWIN TODDLERS, gives Roger a kiss.
                         
                          GWEN LEMKE
           So proud of you, Roggie. God, you
           rock. Doesn't your dad rock, boys?!
                         
                          ROGER LEMKE
           (an Elvis impersonation)
           Thank you. Thank you very much!
                         
          More laughter and backslapping. After a bit, an as yet unseen
          MAN hesitantly approaches. He gently touches Roger's arm, not
          wanting to interrupt the revelry. Roger turns.
                         
           ROGER LEMKE (CONT'D)
           Tim! Timmy Lippe! Didn't even know
           you were here. You see it, bud?
                         
                          TIM
           (earnest, deeply admiring)
           Oh, heck yeah. You were awesome.
                         
          Despite appearances to the contrary, this is our hero: TIM
          LIPPE (pronounced Lippy), 34, wholesome and positive, though
          undercurrents of desperation lurk just behind his kind eyes.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Just super... super awesome. Man.
                         
                          ROGER LEMKE
           Y'know what Tim, I want people to
           see the insurance game for what it
           really is-- it's a noble field. I
           believe that. Like I say, we're not
           just insuring vehicles and homes
           and that. Hell no. We're insuring
           people's dreams.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh. Yeah. I say that, too...
           sometimes.
           3.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          ROGER LEMKE
           Well shit, you do, don't you? By
           god, I stole your line! Knew I'd
           heard that somewhere!
                         
                          TIM
           Oh, no biggie...
                         
                          ROGER LEMKE
           Bummer they cut your little deal
           outta the ad, though.
                         
                          TIM
           Ach. Y'know. Got left on the ol'...
                         
          A FEMALE CO-WORKER interrupts, accosts Roger and ignores Tim.
                         
                          FEMALE CO-WORKER
           Roger! Look out Brad Pitt!
                         
                          TIM
           The ol' cutting room floor, right?
           (upon being ignored)
           Brad Pitt. Ha. That's...
           (then, with forced nonchalance)
           Whoa. Cake. Cool.
                         
          Tim goes to the cake table. He smiles at the cake, impressed.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           So awesome.
                         
          The icing on the cake, a frosted visage of Roger Lemke,
          smiles back.
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. TIM'S CAR - DAY (LATE WINTER)
                         
          A beige Buick Skylark splashes through a puddle of snow melt
          in the glum, isolated hamlet of Brown Valley, WI (pop: 337).
                         
          Tim bops his head and sings along as a Parliament song plays
          on a Good Times, Great Oldies radio station. A dour OLD LADY
          shoveling her driveway stares as he passes by.
                         
                         
          EXT. TIM'S HOUSE - DAY
                         
          The Skylark pulls into the driveway of a tidy umber-colored
          rambler with a nature scene painted on the garage door.
           4.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S KITCHEN - DAY
                         
          Flowered wallpaper. Vinyl flooring. A spoon collection. The
          room looks like someone's grandmother designed it. Tim enters.
                         
          He opens the fridge, grabs an A & W Root Beer. He opens a
          cupboard, removes a box of Hostess Cupcakes. He sits at the
          Formica kitchen table, meticulously eats the cupcake, sips the
          soda pop and stares out the window at a bird feeder.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S BEDROOM - LATER
                         
          Tim's bedroom looks like that of a fastidious teenager. Twin
          bed. Orderly desk. Milwaukee Brewers poster (circa 1987).
                         
          Tim removes his penny loafers, pleated khakis and Northlands
          Insurance polo shirt. He puts on a different pair of pleated
          khakis, a maroon turtleneck and some Top-siders.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S SECOND BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim enters another bedroom. This one has a four-poster bed--
          clearly a parents room, clearly unused. He opens the closet.
                         
          A label reads GIFT CLOSET!!! Each shelf is neatly organized:
          Toys, knickknacks, occasion-specific greeting cards. He
          selects a Get Well card and a Beanie Baby duck, Quackers.
                         
          A doorbell RINGS. Tim hurriedly signs the card. He licks the
          envelope as he hustles to the door.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim opens the door to MILLIE VANDERHEI, 54, a thick,
          depressive woman dressed like a 7th grade science teacher.
                         
                          TIM
           There she is! How you feeling?
                         
                          MILLIE
           Oh, it's no big whoop.
                         
          Tim pulls the card and Beanie Baby duck from behind his back.
                         
                          TIM
           Ta-da.
           (re. the stuffed duck)
           Quack, quack. D'you already have
           this guy? Wasn't sure.
           5.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          MILLIE
           Gayle Syrst�d gave me a Quackers
           for Secret Santa last year. I can
           probably trade with Nan, though.
                         
          Millie sits on Tim's paisley sofa. She opens the card. On the
          front: a Rottweiler in a nurse's outfit. Inside: "Get Well or
          You Deal with Me!" Then in Tim's writing, "Love, Tim."
                         
                          MILLIE (CONT'D)
           (chuckles at the card)
           Cute. Brandy would never sit still
           long enough for me to dress her up
           like that. Tell you that right now.
                          (THEN)
           You didn't have to do this whole
           rigmarole, Tim. I told you it's
           just a little diarrhea.
                         
                          TIM
           I know. But for you to miss a day
           of school, Millie... I can't
           remember you ever calling in sick
           when I had you.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Well I wasn't going through
           menopause when you were in middle
           school now was I?
                         
                          TIM
           Negative. Not to my knowledge. Not
           to my knowledge.
                         
          She nods somberly. They sit there silently for a bit. Then:
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           So. Does your tummy feel good
           enough to...?
                         
          They exchange a look...
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S BEDROOM - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Millie rides Tim. Tim palms her breasts. He still has on the
          maroon turtleneck. And one brown sock. Their bodies make a
          sound like two soft, thick hands apathetically applauding:
          Clap-pfft, clop-pfft, clap-ffft.
                         
          The twin bed squeaks disapprovingly.
           6.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           I can try and... hold it, Mil. Can
           you...?
                         
                          MILLIE
           Bring it home. Bring it home.
                         
          She waggles her hips with a bit more gusto. He grimaces.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm bringing it. Bringing it!
           Bringing it! D'aaaarrgho'awesome...
                         
          Tim exhales. Millie exhales. That worked out well.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S REC ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Millie and Tim watch American Idol. A WOMAN sings Queen's
          YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. Tim harmonizes.
                         
                          TIM
           Ooh, you make me live! You're my
           best friend!
                         
                          MILLIE
           C'mon Tim, I can't hear.
                         
                          TIM
           Sorry. But you are, babygirl.
                          (SINGS)
           You're my best friend.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Tss. Goofball.
                         
          The song ends. They sit quietly for a bit.
                         
                          MILLIE (CONT'D)
           Y'know Galen and Dar Krause just
           did a cruise to the Bahamas? Pretty
           reasonable they said, price-wise.
                         
                          TIM
           (mediocre Jamaican accent)
           Ya mon, Bahama-mama.
                         
                          MILLIE
           It's a little different I suppose--
           a cruise. But...
                         
          A beat, then Millie removes a cruise brochure from her purse.
           7.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          MILLIE (CONT'D)
           Look, I'm not gonna shilly-shally
           around here, Tim. I found a river
           cruise through Germany-- Viking
           Line, real grade-A. It's what I
           want. For the honeymoon.
                         
                          TIM
                          (SUDDENLY RATTLED)
           Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait...
           Where's this coming from? We agreed
           on Wisconsin Dells for the
           honeymoon. It's what we agreed on.
                         
                          MILLIE
           You've been to the Dells two dozen
           times...
                         
                          TIM
           So? Roger and Gwen Lemke go to the
           Dells every year...
                         
                          MILLIE
           Because they have children. Water
           parks are for children...
                         
                          TIM
           Hello, Tommy Bartlett's Ski, Sky
           and Stage Show? It's not just a
           water park...
                         
                          MILLIE
           Timothy, settle. You've never even
           left the state of Wisconsin. Barely
           left Brown Valley...
                         
                          TIM
           What's so great about...? You're
           not... You're missing the... We
           agreed on the Dells.
                         
          He avoids eye contact. Millie takes Tim's chin in her hands,
          forcing him to look at her.
                         
                          MILLIE
           God rest her. Your mom was my best
           friend. But it's going on 20 years
           now. You gotta grow up. You gotta
           let go. You gotta live a life here.
           See?
                         
                          TIM
           I'm living a perfectly fine life. I
           don't know why you'd want to...
                          (MORE)
           8.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           rock the waters or whatever.
           Ridiculous.
                         
          Tim looks away again, pouting. Millie gives him a motherly
          hug. Over her shoulder, Tim watches a TEENAGER belting out
          QUE SERA, SERA on American Idol. Then, almost inaudibly:
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           We agreed on the Dells.
                         
                          FADE OUT:
                         
          IN BLACK, a phone RINGS.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S BEDROOM - THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
                         
          Tim sleeps alone in his twin bed. The phone rings again. Tim
          wakes with a start. He flips on the lamp, picks up the phone:
                         
                          TIM
           Hello... Oh, hey Bill...
                         
          A look of profound anguish appears on Tim's face.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Aw jeez. Oh my gosh. No...
                         
          The sound of a church organ playing ON EAGLES WINGS fades in.
                         
                         
          INT. ST. ANSGAR'S LUTHERAN CHURCH - DAY
                         
          In back of a packed church, Millie whispers with WADE BRODT,
          60, a bald, bullet-shaped man. The conversation is discreet.
                         
                          WADE
           Guy had it all. Everything you'd
           ever want. Y'know he flew a Cessna?
           In his spare time?
                         
                          MILLIE
           I always say people like that-- who
           live fast? They die hard. Look at
           River Phoenix.
                         
                          WADE
           Everything you'd ever want.
                         
                          MILLIE
           I just don't know. To do those
           things to yourself. Just perverted.
                          (SIGH)
           Who ever heard of such a thing?
           9.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          CLOSE ON ROGER LEMKE'S CASKET
                         
          Roger Lemke looks peaceful in death, although it's hard to
          miss the marks on his neck left behind by the belt. Tim is at
          the front of a long line of uneasy MOURNERS. Tim holds back
          tears as he gently touches the marks on Lemke's neck.
                         
          Tim steps aside to greet the widow Gwen Lemke in a receiving
          line. The grief has left her gaunt. She appears medicated.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm... Gwen, I'm so sorry. Roger is--
           was-- is-- a personal hero to me. He
           just... he had it all. If there's...
                         
          He is interrupted by Bill Krogstad's sobs. Tim reaches out to
          put a comforting hand on Gwen's shoulder, but somehow ends up
          touching her breast instead. A moment.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I'm...
                         
          Tim nods sadly as he removes his hand. He walks away.
                         
                          FADE OUT:
                         
                         
          INT. NORTHLANDS INSURANCE - DAY
                         
          The drab office is brightened with week-old funeral flowers
          and flaccid mylar sympathy balloons.
                         
          Tim sits across from a young couple, KURT & PAM GAMBSKY, 20s,
          in a small, glassed-in conference room. The couple is tense.
                         
                          PAM
           You just don't get it, Kurt...
                         
                          KURT
           Aw Christ, Pammy...
                         
                          TIM
           Hang on guys, how's this sound--
           you can both be right.
           (pause for effect)
           I know you're probably thinking,
           "Oh, an umbrella policy's only for
           rich people." You know what I say
           to that? Bull roar.
                         
          The Gambskys smile, comforted. Tim is good at his job.
           10.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Pam, Kurt-- I've known you guys
           since you were little kids. So
           let's don't think of me as an
           "insurance salesman." Think of me
           as your friend who just wants to
           help you protect your dreams...
                         
          Tim glances up and sees Bill Krogstad staring longingly at
          Northlands' three TWO DIAMOND Award plaques. A beat, then
          Krogstad SLAMS HIS FIST THROUGH THE WOOD PANELED WALL! The
          couple reels around upon hearing the sound.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I'm... Excuse me a sec...
                         
          Tim exits the conference room and approaches Krogstad, whose
          hand is now bleeding.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           D'you-- can I get you a napkin or
           something, Bill? For that?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Know how Roger used to get down
           there to Cedar Rapids? To the ASMI
           Convention? Any idea?
                         
                          TIM
           Um. I'm with Kurt and Pam Gambsky...
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Flew himself. In a Cessna. Pilot.
           (a mournful beat)
           It was all worked out. I was going
           to ease into retirement in July
           while Roger transitioned into his
           ownership role.
                         
                          TIM
           Wait, Roger was going to buy
           Northlands?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           All worked out. Shit, Dione already
           put the down payment on a time
           share. Branson, Black Hills.
           Florida. Units all over the place.
                         
                          TIM
           Holy cow.
           11.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Yeah, whole deal. Now? Now I got my
           back up against Christ-knows-what.
           No Lemke, no buyer, the wife's
           spending like we won the goddamn
           Powerball. And what's worse,
           because of the way, y'know, the way
           Roger passed...
                         
          Krogstad chokes up. His grief is very real. So is Tim's.
                         
                          TIM
           The... belt and the lederhosen...?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           (a nod, a sigh)
           Quote-unquote perverted, they're
           saying. Like Northlands has some
           kind of stain. Oh, I'm so goddamned
           tired...
                         
                          TIM
           Is there...? Can I do anything to
           help, or...?
                         
          Krogstad hands Tim a Manila folder (bloodying it in the
          process). Tim gestures for his customers to hold tight. Tim
          opens the folder, reading aloud from a cover page.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           "Innovations in Hog Farm Risk
           Mitigation." Roger's Two Diamond
           presentation for the ASMI
           Convention. I helped prepare it.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           We need those Two Diamonds more
           than ever, Tim. If I'm going to
           sell this company, we need people
           to feel OK about the Northlands
           brand.
                         
                          TIM
           (not getting it)
           Mm.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           I'd go myself but my daughter
           Kayla, the heavy one? She unearthed
           some Polack to marry her. I'm
           locked into that wedding over in
           Gladstone. No flex. Locked in.
           12.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Whoa-whoa-wait. What are you saying?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           I'm not asking you to fill Roger
           Lemke's shoes. Not gonna happen.
           I'm asking you to deliver his
           presentation-- to bring me home
           those Two Diamonds.
                         
                          TIM
           I can't go to ASMI. To Iowa. To
           Cedar Rapids, Iowa... Why can't
           Lila do it?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           C'mon Tim. Lila's about as
           charismatic as a bag of hair.
                         
                          TIM
           Bill, I've never... I mean, I've
           dabbled in hog farm risk
           mitigation, but I'm no pro...
                         
          Tim is really starting to panic.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           You were what, 16, when I gave you
           that filing job? Right after your
           mom passed? Raising yourself pretty
           much, living all alone. And I'm
           thinking, now here's a kid. Here's
           a kid who's gonna go places.
           (a hand on Tim's shoulder)
           And then, somehow, you kind of just
           didn't. Now, I guess it makes some
           sense-- a child loses both parents
           at an early age, becomes what you
           might call stunted. But cripes
           almighty, do you want to just sit
           there in your folks old house, just
           rot away in Brown Valley dating
           that...
                          (SUBTLY DISPARAGING)
           ... woman the rest of your life?
                         
                          TIM
           Millie and I are getting married.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Tss, maybe three'll be a charm.
           (then, emotional)
                          (MORE)
           13.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           Point is, I'm not exactly dancing
           in the streets here Tim, but it's a
           perception thing. You go down there
           to Cedar Rapids, wholesome and pie-
           eyed and all that. You show them
           that Northlands is a good outfit--
           an upstanding Christian outfit...
                         
          Tim considers the gravity of this moment.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           Aw cripes, say you'll do it.
                         
          Krogstad starts crying again. He hugs Tim, his bloody hand
          staining Tim's canary yellow V-neck sweater. Tim looks up to
          see the Gambskys in the conference room staring at him.
                         
                         
                         MONTAGE --
                         
          A melancholic yet uplifting song (Leonard Cohen's HALLELUJAH,
          perhaps) plays as:
                         
          - Tim puts birdseed in his backyard feeder. He looks at the
          barren trees as he considers his fate.
                         
          - Tim Googles "Cedar Rapids." He looks at photos, crime
          statistics, a Chamber of Commerce Youtube video. He closes
          his eyes, exhales.
                         
          - Tim practices the presentation in front of a mirror. He
          works late. He types. He Power Points. Krogstad critiques.
                         
          - Tim laminates maps of Cedar Rapids and area attractions.
                         
          - Tim pulls a dusty American Tourister suitcase from the
          attic. It looks about 40 years old. He packs.
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. TIM'S BUICK SKYLARK - MORNING
                         
          Tim looks pensive as he drives. He's wearing a new suit. It's
          a little too big. A greeting card and a Beanie Baby Rooster
          bounce along on the passenger's seat.
                         
          Tim pulls up to a SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE. A pick-up truck with the
          words Brodt Heating & Cooling is parked in the driveway.
                         
                         
          INT. MILLIE'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim pokes his head into a living room, surprised to see Wade,
          the 60-ish bald guy from church, reclining on a Lazy Boy.
           14.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Wade's boots are off. His socks are dirty. He's watching ESPN
          on a TV with an Olan-Mills portrait of Tim & Millie atop it.
                         
                          WADE
           Oh, hiya Tim.
                         
                          TIM
           Hey. Wade. Hey. Is Millie...?
                         
          Millie enters in a terry cloth robe. A Yorkshire Terrier
          follows her. Millie acts nonchalant. So does the dog.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Hi Tim.
           (re. Wade's presence)
           Wade's cable's down.
                         
                          TIM
           It's six AM...?
                         
                          WADE
           Mike & Mike in the Morning. ESPN 2.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh yeah. Those guys. Hilarious. Ha.
                         
                          WADE
           Mm.
                         
                          TIM
           (finally, to Millie)
           Well I just wanted to...
                         
          He displays the Beanie Baby and the card. She takes them with
          a cold smile. Tim notices an identical stuffed rooster on an
          oak bookshelf-- home to over 155 other Beanie Babies.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Oh shoot. You already have a Strut
           the Rooster...
                         
                          MILLIE
           So this is it then?
                          (TO WADE)
           Tim's jetting off to Cedar Rapids
           this morning, Wade. Big deal
           insurance convention. Iowa.
                         
                          WADE
           That right?
                         
                          TIM
           It's only four days.
           15.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          MILLIE
           Won't go to Germany for our
           honeymoon, but for work you can
           just gallivant around like Tom
           Petty or one of them?
                         
                          TIM
                          (TO WADE)
           We agreed on the Dells...
           (then, to Millie)
           Should we maybe talk in the...?
                         
                          WADE
           Oh it don't bother me.
                         
          Tim tries to proceed as if Wade weren't sitting there.
                         
                          TIM
           If I don't try to do this, it's not
           just my job, Mil. There are four
           other employees whose lives are on
           the line. Plus Carol, who does part
           time seasonal work. So.
                         
                          MILLIE
           It's not for certain a new owner
           would even keep you guys on.
                         
                          TIM
           No, Bill said he'd make that part
           of any deal...
                         
                          MILLIE
           Believe you me, Bill Krogstad is
           looking out for one guy. And that's
           Bill Krogstad.
                         
                          WADE
                          (OVERTLY DISPARAGING)
           Krogstad.
                         
          Tim shoots Wade a look.
                         
                          TIM
           It's... Oh, who am I kidding, I'm a
           little scared here. A lot scared.
           But not about us. What we've got--
           we're like lightning in a bottle,
           babygirl. I love you so much, Mil.
                         
          He hugs her. Millie melts just a little, yet remains stern.
                         
                          MILLIE
           I want you to be very careful.
           16.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           I know. I will. I mean, Cedar
           Rapids-- there were only four
           homicides last year. For a city of
           122-thousand that's pretty darn
           good. The forcible rape numbers are
           admittedly a bit higher, but...
                         
          She fidgets with his tie. A bitter tear skulks down her cheek.
                         
                          MILLIE
           I want you to check in with me.
                         
                          TIM
           I will every day. Twice a day.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Make it three times.
                         
                          TIM
                          (LAUGHS)
           OK, three times! Sheesh. And I'll
           send a stinkin' telegram, too.
                         
          Tim kisses the warm tears from Millie's ruddy cheeks. Millie
          licks her finger and smooths Tim's cowlick. Wade just sits
          there watching.
                         
                         
          EXT. RHINELANDER, WI REGIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
                         
          Tim walks up to the tiny municipal airport. He tries the
          door. It's locked. A RETARDED MAN shoveling snow spots Tim.
                         
                          RETARDED MAN
           Airport don't open for two hours.
                         
                          TIM
           Thanks! Just wanna be sure I make
           my flight. Going down to Cedar
           Rapids. The big ASMI Convention?
                         
          The retarded man nods vacantly and goes back to shoveling.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. RHINELANDER, WI REGIONAL AIRPORT - LATER
                         
          Tim is the first (and only) person in the security line. An
          apathetic TSA AGENT awaits him. Tim has a nervous energy.
           17.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Cold enough for you? I'm heading to
           Cedar Rapids. Supposed to be up in
           the mid-30s down there. S-weet!
                         
                          TSA AGENT
           Any liquids, gels or aerosols must
           be placed in a quart-size Zip-Lock.
           Laptop computers must be taken out
           of the case and placed in...
                         
                          TIM
           Whoa... what's all this now?
                         
                          TSA AGENT
           Any liquids, gels or aerosols...
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (O.S.)
           Tim! Praise Christ you haven't left
           yet.
                         
          Bill Krogstad runs up to Tim. He's out of breath.
                         
                          TIM
           Hey Bill, what's going on?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Can't believe I forgot to get this
           to you. Hang on, lemme...
                         
          Krogstad puts his hands on his knees, takes a few deep
          breaths. Then he hands Tim a detailed handwritten checklist.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           It's basically an ASMI Convention
           Bible. It's going to tell you who
           to talk to, who to avoid, how best
           to fellowship and network...
                         
          Tim glances at the list, reads the only name under AVOID.
                         
                          TIM
           Dean Ziegler, Stevens Point.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Ziegler is a cancer. Sonofabitch
           called one of Lemke's biggest
           clients-- Joyce Armbr�ster? Smeared
           Roger's name and the Northlands'
           name. Frickin' poacher. Avoid
           Ziegler like the plague. The fella
           I got you rooming with, Ronald
           Wilkes-- that's who you stick by.
           18.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          By Ziegler's name, Tim frantically writes, "Poacher" and
          "Armbr�ster--" making sure not to forget the umlaut.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           You got the presentation, right?
                         
                          TIM
           Affirmative.
                         
          Tim untucks his shirt, revealing a zippered cummerbund-like
          money belt.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           On me at all times. Plus three back-
           up discs.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Hey-hey! That kind of prep is pure
           Lemke! Didn't know any better, I'd
           say Roger's spirit had kind of
           climbed into you, just planted its
           seed inside you there. Atta boy!
                         
          High praise indeed. Tim hesitates. Is now the right time?
                         
                          TIM
           Bill... I have to ask. Let's say
           one of these big dogs-- your
           Allstates, your Prudentials-- does
           decide to go and buy Northlands...?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Said it before, I'll say it again:
           Your job, the office in Brown
           Valley-- all safe. What you need to
           worry about is getting down there
           and representing us the best you
           can. That's all you need to worry
           about.
                         
          Tim swallows hard. Bill brings it in for a hug and inhales
          Tim's hair.
                         
                         
          INT. PLANE - DAY
                         
          Tim has a window seat. He reads the safety card. He's sweaty,
          anxious. A vaguely swarthy MAN (Indian? Italian? Hard to
          tell.), 40s, sits next to him. A perky FLIGHT ATTENDANT
          approaches.
                         
                          FLIGHT ATTENDANT
           You lucky ducks are obviously
           seated in an exit row. Score!
                          (MORE)
           19.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
           FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT'D)
           Just gotta make sure you're willing
           and able to assist crew members in
           the event of an emergency
           evacuation...
                         
          The man smiles nonchalantly. Tim tries to play it cool.
                         
                          TIM
           You're talking what, water landing?
           (looks around, whispers)
           Terror type deal? Terrorists...?
                         
                          FLIGHT ATTENDANT
           It's really just a formality.
                         
                          TIM
           Believe it or not, I have actually
           never been on an airplane before.
                         
                          FLIGHT ATTENDANT
           Oh, well you'll do awesome.
                         
                          TIM
           (takes a moment)
           OK. If you need any help, I'm in.
                         
          The flight attendant smiles politely, if confusedly.
                         
                         
          THE PLANE TAKES OFF
                         
          Tim looks out the window, watching nervously as the dairy
          farms and frozen lakes of northern Wisconsin recede. He
          instinctively turns to his neighbor.
                         
                          TIM
           Tim Lippe.
                         
                          MAN
           Ah. David Marinakis.
                         
          They shake hands.
                         
                          TIM
           Great to meet you, Dave. Wondering,
           what kind of name is Marinakis?
                         
                          DAVID MARINAKIS
           Greek. It's Greek.
                         
                          TIM
           Marinakis. OK. Mine's German.
           Lippe.
                          (MORE)
           20.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           As in, "Don't you get lippy with
           me, mister." My grandma used to say
           that. Before she passed. Lot of
           people pronounce it lip. Course the
           high German's probably more like
           lipp-uh.
                         
          David Marinakis nods, goes back to his book, seemingly
          shutting down the conversation. Tim settles in.
                         
          THE PLANE LANDS --
                         
          Tim hesitates before stepping onto the jetway-- one small
          step for man-- and just like that, he's in IOWA!
                         
                         
          INT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT, BAGGAGE CLAIM - DAY
                         
          Tim helps David Marinakis take his bag off the carousel.
                         
                          TIM
           Like I say, Dave, it's not life
           insurance so much as it is dream
           insurance.
                         
                          DAVID MARINAKIS
           It's a good way of looking at it.
                         
                          TIM
           I think so.
                         
          Tim hands David his card, who takes it with a genuine smile.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Let me know how things go with your
           Alltel deal, Dave. E-mail me.
                         
                          DAVID MARINAKIS
           Will do, Tim. Thanks.
                         
          David exits. Tim stands there waving.
                         
                         
          EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT PARKING GARAGE - DAY
                         
          Tim emerges from an elevator on the roof of a parking garage.
          He inhales the chilly Iowa air. He glances at his rental
          agreement and spots his car, a red Chevy Cobalt.
                         
                          TIM
           Hello. Score!
                         
          As he approaches the car, he stops. He chuckles, in awe.
           21.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Holy crap. Awesome.
                         
          In the distance, the Cedar Rapids skyline looms-- its tallest
          building, the Alliant Tower stretching 21 stories into the
          cloudy sky. Tim snaps a photo with his cell phone.
                         
                         
          EXT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME - DAY
                         
          The Holidome sign reads, Welcome ASMI `09 Participants!!! Tim
          gets out of the rental car. He looks around-- not too shabby.
          But upon spotting a SIKH CABBIE in a turban, Tim straightens
          up and cautiously adjusts his money cummerbund.
                         
          As he walks toward the entrance, a pretty but gaunt young
          woman in a short denim skirt, BREE, 22, approaches him.
                         
                          BREE
           Hey man, can I bum a heater?
                         
                          TIM
           What's that now?
                         
                          BREE
           A cigarette?
                         
                          TIM
           Oh, I'm like, "this gal wants to
           borrow my heater?" Tss. But no,
           sorry, can't help you there.
                         
                          BREE
           You here for the convention?
                         
                          TIM
           You bet. Tim Lippe. Northlands
           Insurance. How `bout yourself?
                         
                          BREE
           Ah, Bree. I'm Bree.
                         
          They shake hands.
                         
                          TIM
           Well Bree, it's nice to meet you.
           But let me give you a trade secret.
                          (STAGE WHISPER)
           Keep smoking and your premiums will
           go through the roof.
                         
                          BREE
           Thanks Mr. Surgeon General.
           (they laugh, then)
                          (MORE)
           22.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          BREE (CONT'D)
           If you want to party, Tim, let me
           know. I'll be around.
                         
                          TIM
           You bet. Party hearty. Nice
           chatting with you, Bree.
                         
          People are so friendly. Tim enters the hotel.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME - DAY
                         
          Tim walks in. He strolls atop the velvety green carpet, past
          a fountain, beneath a golden-colored chandelier and makes his
          way to the front desk-- blown away. An apple-cheeked clerk,
          whose name tag reads TRENT, greets him.
                         
                          TRENT
           Checking in with us, sir?
                         
                          TIM
           You tell me. Never done the hotel
           deal before.
                         
                          TRENT
           Well, welcome. I'll just need to see
           a credit card for the incidentals...
                         
                          TIM
           (reads the name tag)
           Trent, I was given the impression
           that you honored traveler's checks.
                         
                          TRENT
           Yes, we just need an imprint of
           your card. For the incidentals.
                         
                          TIM
           Traveler's check is a fully insured
           method of, y'know. 100 percent.
                         
                          TRENT
           I'm aware of that, sir. We won't
           charge the card unless you rent a
           movie or take something from the
           mini-bar...
                         
                          TIM
           I'm a non-drinker.
                         
                          TRENT
           It's standard, sir.
           23.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim eyes Trent cautiously as he unzips his cummerbund/money
          belt. He removes a credit card and reluctantly hands it over.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME, HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Cell phone to his ear, Tim struggles with his bag as he walks
          to his room.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Have you seen the pool yet?
                         
                          TIM
           Not yet, but I can smell it. The
           chlorine. It's a super top-notch
           place, Mil. You'd be blown away.
           Oop, 321. I'm at mi casa. Just a...
           lemme see how this deal works.
                         
          He examines the card key. He slides it in. It doesn't work.
          Tries again. Doesn't work. Each time he fails, it beeps.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Key's like a stinkin' credit card.
                         
          Suddenly, the door opens. And standing before Tim is a BLACK
          MAN. Tim gasps, drops his suitcase, backs away.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           What? What happened?
                         
                          TIM
           (to the man)
           Oh jeez. I'm sorry. I'm... Please.
           (turns, whispers into phone)
           There's an Afro-American gentleman
           in this room.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Well get the heck outta there!
                         
          Tim turns back and smiles, frightened. The man looks confused.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
           Tim! Run like hell, Tim!
                         
                          BLACK MAN
           Are you Tim? Tim Lippe?
                         
          Tim just smiles a wide, deer-in-headlights smile.
                         
           BLACK MAN (CONT'D)
           I'm Ronald Wilkes. Bill Krogstad
           said we were gonna be roommates?
           24.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          RONALD WILKES, 45, is conservative in dress and demeanor.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Tim! Tim! Tiiim!
                         
                          TIM
                          (INTO PHONE)
           Let me call you back, Mil.
                         
          Tim clicks off his phone, just stares at Ronald.
                         
                          RONALD
           You are Tim...?
                         
                          TIM
           Um. Yeah. Yes. You bet. For a
           minute there I was like, whoa, I'm
           gonna be robbed here, or...
                         
          Tim laughs loudly. Ronald just looks at Tim. A beat.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           It's super... just super great to
           meet you, Ronald.
                         
          Tim shakes Ronald's hand, holds onto it for at least two
          seconds too long.
                         
                          RONALD
           OK. You want to check out the room
           then?
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Ronald leads Tim into the room, a junior suite with two beds,
          a kitchenette and a couch in the separate living room area.
                         
                          TIM
           Check out these digs. Huzzah!
                         
                          RONALD
           Yeah, you could do a lot worse.
           (a serious beat)
           Look Tim, I gotta put the cards on
           the table here. The reason we got
           the junior suite upgrade is because
           the hotel overbooked-- wedding or
           some such. Point being, they were
           asking folks to take on a third
           roommate to consolidate space. Now
           to me, being an independent owner,
           the savings of adding a third guy
           sounded like a real positive.
                          (MORE)
           25.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           But if you've got any qualms, I
           hear you L & C, that's Loud &
           Clear.
                         
          Ronald has undoubtedly been called a nerd more than once. To
          Tim, however, he is the embodiment of cool and hilarity.
                         
                          TIM
           No. I'm down. Down with that. Heck
           yeah. Any idea who we're gonna be
           chilling with, roommate-wise?
                         
                          RONALD
           No. Just hope he doesn't snore.
                         
                          TIM
                          (LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)
           Can you imagine? Or someone who has
           terrible gas?! Like, pull my
           finger. Brrump! Hello, no thanks!
                         
          Tim is giddy like a kid away at camp for the first time.
                         
                          RONALD
           This isn't Woodstock, Tim. It's a
           regional insurance convention.
           Whoever it is, I'm sure he'll be a
           straight shooter.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          A pair of massive, scuffed wing-tips walk determinedly down
          the hall. We don't see the man they belong to, but we most
          definitely hear him as he passes various CONVENTION GOERS.
                         
           MAN (O.S.)
           Hey Taco Bill, am I gonna see you
           at Horizons tonight? I hear they
           got their all-you-care-to-eat pussy
           buffet going!
                         
          A booming laugh follows as the feet continue down the hall.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim admires Ronald's laptop. The screen saver is a photo of a
          billboard advertising Ronald Wilkes Insurance. A picture of a
          stoic-looking Ronald is the centerpiece of the billboard
          along with the slogan, Your Insurance Professional.
           26.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           So far it's just the one billboard
           north of St. Cloud. Course the
           traffic load would get me more
           eyeballs in the Twin Cities corridor,
           but at the end of the day, it's N-T-
           S. Not Too Shabby.
                         
                          TIM
           Ha. N-T-S. That's hilarious. I'd
           love to own my own agency...
                         
          The door bursts open. We boom up from the scuffed wing-tips
          to reveal DEAN ZIEGLER, 45, whose massive personality just
          barely hides an undercurrent of sadness and insecurity.
                         
                          DEAN
           Baroo-baroo, let's get this party
           started you mother-rubbers!
                         
          Ronald deflates upon seeing Dean. He clearly knows him.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Ronald Wilkes! No fucking way! The
           Ronimal! Gimme some love-uh, my
           soul broth-uh!
                         
          Dean gives Ronald a bear hug, lifts him off the ground.
                         
                          RONALD
           Turn down the volume, Ziegler. You
           just got here, for Pete's sake.
                         
          Tim looks like someone deciding which direction to run from
          an oncoming tornado. Dean notices Tim's look.
                         
                          DEAN
           What's the matter, friend, never
           seen a chocolate-vanilla love
           sandwich?! Wait until later when we
           get to the buttfucking! Nah, I'm
           having fun. Dean Ziegler. Stevens
           Point, Wisconsin.
                         
          Tim discreetly looks at the checklist Krogstad gave him.
          Under AVOID, it says DEAN ZIEGLER.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Don't worry, I won't bite. I'm
           medicated. Not really. But I should
           be. Right Ronimal? So what's your
           handle pal?
           27.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           We drew the short straw with this
           pitiful reprobate, Tim. Dean, this
           is Tim Lippe.
                         
                          DEAN
           Call me Deanzie. Where you hail
           from, Tim Lippe? Quiet-land?
                         
                          TIM
           No. I do not. I'm down from Brown
           Valley, Wisconsin.
                          (POINTED)
           Northlands Insurance.
                         
                          DEAN
           Bill Krogstad's outfit. The Krogger!
           (beat, dials it way down)
           Aw shit. I was sorry as hell to
           hear about Lemke's passing up
           there. That guy was tits as a rep.
           Course he thought I was a big, loud
           asshole-- s'pose he wasn't too far
           off there. No boy, a real tragedy.
                         
                          TIM
                          (SUSPICIOUS)
           Uh, thanks. Thank you. It's...
           Roger was just a super great man.
                         
                          DEAN
           Amen. He'll be in my prayers. His
           family, too. Tragedy.
                         
          All three nod. A moment of solemn silence. Then:
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Well. I don't know about you
           wingnuts, but the Deanzie could use
           a drinkzie. What say we blow off
           the welcome hoo-ha and hit Horizons
           for happy hour. Two-for-one
           cocktails, 10 cent wings, and an
           all-you-care-to-eat pussy buffet!
                         
                          RONALD
           That line was unappealing last
           year, Dean. It remains so now.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm planning to watch President
           Helgesson's opening remarks.
           28.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          DEAN
           Oh, don't get me started on that
           smug fuck. Orin Helgesson is a--
           pardon my French-- a cunt. Just a
           steaming wet dog cunt.
                         
          Tim stands there slack-jawed-- this man is evil.
                         
                          RONALD
           No one's buying the potty-mouth
           nonsense you're selling, Dean. Tim,
           you'll learn to ignore this
           degenerate before too long. Let's
           go hear what Orin has to say.
                         
                          DEAN
           Fine. Have fun ladies... Not.
                         
          Tim and Ronald exit. Dean can't handle the momentary silence.
          As he lugs his suitcase into the bedroom:
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Party time. Excellent.
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - DAY
                         
          ORIN HELGESSON, 69, a gentle, avuncular man with a Mr. Rogers
          persona, addresses a crowd. A banner reading ASMI `09: Let's
          Build a Bridge to the 22nd Century! hangs above the podium.
                         
                          ORIN
           I'm Orin Helgesson, your ASMI
           Midwest Region Chapter President.
           But I'm not going to make you play
           Hail to the Chief. Not yet anyhow.
                         
          Polite laughter from the 60 or so mostly male INSURANCE
          WORKERS congregated in the Sunset Terrace Ballroom, which has
          neither a terrace nor a window through which to view a sunset.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           Seriously, we've got a great line-
           up for ASMI `09, with our forward-
           looking theme, Let's Build a Bridge
           to the 22nd Century! Just so many
           innovations-- our newsletter, The
           ASMI-teer is now fully digital. So
           a lot of our breakout sessions will
           be dealing with this kind of "E-
           Commerce" sort of thing.
           (pause for polite applause)
                          (MORE)
           29.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           If you didn't pick up your Welcome
           Kits, be sure and see Mike Pyle,
           the gentleman in the-- what color's
           that sweater vest Mike?
                         
          MIKE PYLE, 35, a round, milky-skinned man who favors sweater
          vests, raises his hand. He's seated near Tim and Ronald.
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
           Beige.
                         
                          ORIN
           In the beige sweater vest. Great.
                         
          Orin continues O.S. but we stay with Tim and Ronald.
                         
                          TIM
                          (WHISPERING)
           I'm worried about this Deanzie guy.
           Bill Krogstad told me specifically
           to stay the heck away from him.
                         
                          RONALD
           Oh, Dean ran for President against
           Orin last year-- only got four
           votes. He's running again this
           year. He's just full of bluster.
                         
          Tim looks deeply concerned. Back on Orin.
                         
                          ORIN
           ... The Two Diamonds are given
           every year to the agency that best
           exemplifies the ASMI decree: "To
           provide high quality insurance
           services and related products while
           maintaining Commitment to
           Community, Country and God." We
           have a record number of entries
           this year-- over 15 agencies
           competing. Good luck to you all.
                         
          Tim eyes go wide-- Did he say over 15 agencies?!
                         
                          TIM
           Did he say over 15 agencies?
                         
                          RONALD
           Yeah, it's gonna be brutal this
           year. I brought my A-game though.
                         
                          TIM
           You're competing?
           30.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           Heck yeah. It's the first year I've
           ever had a real shot. But the guy
           you really have to worry about is
           Mike Pyle. He owns the sixth
           largest Allstate agency in the
           Upper Midwest. The guy's a shark.
                         
          Tim looks at Mike Pyle, the bland-looking man in the sweater
          vest. Tim's confidence is waning. Back on Orin:
                         
                          ORIN
           ... moment of silence for the man
           many considered to be the Michael
           Jordan of Mutual Insurance Agents.
           Roger Lemke.
                         
          Orin places a 4 x 6 foot poster of Roger Lemke on an easel. A
          period of mournful reflection follows. Until Orin breaks out
          in song-- WERE YOU THERE?, a somber hymn.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           Were you there when they crucified
           my Lord? Were you there when they
           crucified my Lord?
                         
          Tim looks around nervously as the entire room joins in song.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDAY INN HOLIDOME, HALLWAY - A SHORT WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim paces, cell phone to his ear.
                         
                          TIM
           I need to talk to you, Mil. I'm in
           over my head here. I feel like I
           can't even swim. It was fun at
           first, but now it's like, I dunno.
           I need you so bad, babygirl...
                         
          A man's voice picks up on the other end.
                         
           WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Millie's in the john.
                         
                          TIM
           Who's...? Wade?
                         
           WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           You bet.
           31.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Are...? You're at Millie's still?
                         
           WADE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Badger hockey's on. My cable's out.
                          (SILENCE)
           You want her to give you a ring
           when she's off the john?
                         
                          TIM
           Um. Yes, please. And just, would
           you tell her I love her very much.
                         
           WADE (O.S.)
           You got it, bud.
                         
          Tim shuts his eyes for a moment-- be strong. Be strong.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME FITNESS CENTER - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim, in shorts, tube socks and a very old Milwaukee Bucks
          tank top, reads the diagram for the chest press machine. He
          gives it a try, lifting about 50 pounds. The only other
          person in the room is a WOMAN, 37, on a treadmill.
                         
          Tim glances her way, and by chance they make eye contact in
          the mirror. She smirks. He immediately looks at the floor. We
          stay on Tim, lifting weights, eyes to the ground. But we hear
          the treadmill stop. Finally, Tim looks up to find:
                         
                          WOMAN
           You were checking me out.
                         
          Mortified, Tim drops the weights. They crash to their base.
                         
                          WOMAN (CONT'D)
           I'm gonna have to tell the hotel
           there's a pervo in the fitness
           center hitting on innocent women.
                         
                          TIM
           I... Ma'am, no. I'm sorry if you...
           I wouldn't... I have a fianc�!
                         
                          WOMAN
           Unbelievable. That poor woman
           should know what you're up to.
                         
                          TIM
           No, no, no, please. I didn't...
                         
          The woman can't keep it in. She starts laughing.
           32.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          WOMAN
           I am so sorry. I'm totally messing
           with you. God, I'm a jerk.
                         
                          TIM
           Ha. OK. That was different. Ha.
           Yes. Yes you are. A real...
           jerkhead.
                         
                          WOMAN
           I'm so sorry. Joan Ostrowski-Fox.
                         
          JOAN OSTROWSKI-FOX, middle-management sexy, if slightly too
          tan, puts out her hand. Tim shakes it.
                         
                          TIM
           Tim Lippe.
                         
                          JOAN
           Don't get lippy with me, mister.
                         
          Whoa. Tim is taken aback by this. Joan notices Tim's outfit.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           So do you play professional
           basketball, Tim? Because that's a
           pretty updated uniform there.
                         
                          TIM
           No I don't. I'm actually in town
           for the ASMI convention.
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh, is that where a bunch of guys
           sit around a table looking up the
           word "gullible" in a dictionary?
                         
                          TIM
           No, it's an association of insur...
           Oh. You're screwing with me again.
                         
                          JOAN
           Indeed I am. I'm here for ASMI,
           too. In from Oh-my-god, Nebraska.
           Just kidding-- Omaha.
           (wipes off some sweat)
           Ugh, I am gross, so I'm going to
           bid you farewell, Tim Lippe. See
           you at Horizons tonight?
                         
                          TIM
           Um.
           33.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           Unless you were planning on spying
           on me in the shower.
                         
          Tim reddens, once again going into panic mode. Joan laughs.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           God, I am evil. I need help.
                         
          Tim tries to think of something clever to say, but just sits
          there with his mouth open. He's never met a woman like this.
                         
                         
          INT. LOCKER ROOM - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim finishes showering. He steps out of the shower to find
          Orin Helgesson, completely naked. Orin has just exited
          another shower. He smiles pleasantly at Tim, also naked.
                         
                          ORIN
           How ya doin'?
                         
                          TIM
           Oh. I... OK.
                          (THEN)
           I... I really enjoyed your speech,
           President Helgesson.
                         
                          ORIN
           You were in there? Marvelous. Did
           you like the part about E-Commerce?
                         
                          TIM
           You bet. Very much, sir.
                         
                          ORIN
           Terrific. It's the future y'know.
           Anyhow, I don't think we've...
                         
                          TIM
           Tim Lippe. Down from Brown Valley,
           Wisconsin. Northlands Insurance?
                         
          A flash of emotion-- maybe even anxiety-- on Orin's face.
                         
                          ORIN
           Whew boy. Tim, what can I say? I
           just-- we're all feeling it. I'm so
           sorry for the loss...
                         
          Orin puts a supportive hand on Tim's shoulder.
           34.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Um, well, it's rough. Real rough.
           Like you said in your remarks,
           Roger wasn't just a great rep, he
           was a good father and...
                         
                          ORIN
           And a pilot. Flew a Cessna.
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. It's just rough.
                         
                          ORIN
           Come here, son.
                         
          Orin gives Tim a hug. Tim juts his butt out so that their
          penises don't touch. A JANITOR enters the locker room, sees
          this odd embrace, pauses a beat and hurriedly exits.
                         
                          TIM
           Thank you.
                         
          The embrace runs its course. Tim isn't sure where to look.
                         
                          ORIN
           Tim, I know Bill's looking to
           retire and from the sound of it
           he's on the hook for a pretty sweet
           time share.
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah, it sounds pretty top-notch.
                         
                          ORIN
           I want to help him find a buyer,
           and God knows I'll try my
           darnedest. But-- and it pains me to
           say this-- there's a petition going
           around trying to rescind all of
           Northlands' Two Diamond Awards.
                         
                          TIM
           What?!
                         
                          ORIN
           I know. But let's be honest, one of
           the core tenets of the Two Diamonds
           is Commitment to God. And the way
           Roger passed on... well, some folks
           are saying that type of activity
           isn't entirely "godly."
                         
          Tim shakes his head, disbelieving.
           35.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           You have to understand, this isn't
           some namby-pamby local event. This
           is a regional convention, Tim. Now,
           I want to help you, but you're
           going to have to help yourself too.
                         
          Orin goes to his locker, removes a folder.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           Let me give you a few extra drink
           coupons for Horizons. Get down
           there-- fellowship and network. Buy
           a few drinks. Let `em see the good
           side of Northlands Insurance-- the
           wholesome side, OK?
                         
                          TIM
           Thank you President Helgesson.
                         
                          ORIN
           Please. Orin. And if you need
           anything, Tim-- I mean anything--
           I'm up in the Tiffany Suite. Room
           411. Balcony overlooks the pool.
                         
          Tim accepts the stack of drink tickets. He's scared shitless.
                         
                         
          INT. HORIZONS BAR & GRILLE - NIGHT
                         
          Tim, with taupe turtleneck tucked in to pleated corduroys,
          hesitates at the threshold of Horizons, a brightly lit,
          aeronautically-themed establishment. The cavernous bar is
          largely empty. Tim considers his drink coupons.
                         
           DEAN (O.S.)
           Timbo! Over here roomie!
                         
          Dean sits alone at the bar. Tim reluctantly goes to him.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           How's she hanging Big Tim? Big time
           Big Tim...
                         
                          TIM
           Hello Dean.
                         
                          DEAN
           It's Deanzie, c'mon.
           (shouts at bartender)
           Ahoy Cap'n, we got a thirsty sailor
           over here!
                          (MORE)
           36.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           (re. the bartender)
           Kid was in the navy. Seaman.
                         
          Dean nudges Tim and laughs as the BARTENDER, 25, approaches.
                         
                          BARTENDER
           What can I getcha?
                         
                          TIM
           Ah. Do you guys have root beer?
                         
                          DEAN
           You want a nipple with that?
                         
                          TIM
           Ah, why would I need a nipple...?
                         
                          DEAN
           Ach, I'm busting your balls. You
           don't get out much, do you buddy?
           (spots Tim's drink coupons)
           Whoa, who'd you have to blow to get
           all those?
                         
                          TIM
           I didn't... Nobody. President
           Helgesson gave them to me.
                         
                          DEAN
           Smug fuck. Trying to poison my
           roommate with his B-S propaganda.
                         
                          TIM
           I really don't... Orin, President
           Helgesson, he wanted to help me
           meet people. Just being friendly.
                         
                          DEAN
           (softens, fatherly)
           Wow-wow-wow, you are na�ve. A rail
           cocktail's, what, four bucks? Times
           that by 10 drink coupons. We're
           talking 40 large, Tim. Doesn't sound
           so friendly anymore, does it? Sounds
           more like one of these I-scratch-
           your-back-you-scratch-mine deals.
           (off Tim's confused look)
           I bet ol' Orin invited you up to
           the Tiffany Suite, too, hmm? Fourth
           floor? View of the pool? Yup.
           (leans in, conspiratorial)
           Cocksucker's buying your vote, pal.
           37.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim shudders. Dean gestures for Tim to act natural as Ronald
          enters with a taciturn Latino man, BILL HERNANDEZ.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Ronimal! Taco Bill! Over here!
                          (TO TIM)
           Bill Hernandez. I call him Taco
           Bill. Mexican.
                         
                         LATER --
                         
          Lubricated INSURANCE WORKERS are now singing karaoke. Orin
          and Mike Pyle, the sweater vest guy, sit at a table in back.
          Orin looks at Tim with concern as Dean regales him.
                         
                          DEAN
           So Big Time Tim, what're you looking
           for pussy-wise here in Cedar CRAPids?
                         
                          TIM
           Ah, that would be nothing...
                         
          Tim displays a photo of Millie (a portrait from the junior
          high where she teaches) in his wallet.
                         
                          DEAN
           That your mom?
                         
                          TIM
           No. No it is not. Millie and I are
           engaged. To be married.
                         
                          RONALD
           You're married yourself, Ziegler.
           The heck's your moral compass?
                         
                          DEAN
           My moral compass is pointing true
           north, if you read me. Right Taco
           Bill?
                         
          Taco Bill sighs and wanders off to get a drink.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           And by the way, Ronimal-- I was
           married. Was.
                         
                          RONALD
           Oh jeez. You and Patti split? Sorry
           to hear that.
                         
                          DEAN
           (barely covering the pain)
           Ah, she's a fucking asshole.
                          (MORE)
           38.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Together 17 years. Lucky if one of
           `em was decent. ASS. FUCKING. HOLE.
                         
          It's a weird moment. Dean takes a drink, laughs it off.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           What I was talking about anyway,
           Ronimal, is that from what I can
           deduce, young Timbo Lippe here has
           led a-- shall I say-- sheltered
           existence. And I think we oughta
           help him, y'know, aroo-aroo!
                         
          Dean raises his drink heroically. No one else joins him.
                         
                          RONALD
           ASMI isn't a vacation for everybody,
           Dean. End of the day, Tim's here to
           work and to win. For his agency.
                         
                          TIM
           Exactly. And P-S, I would never,
           ever have "relations" or whatever
           with another woman.
                         
          As fate-- that wily minx-- would have it...
                         
           JOAN (O.S.)
           Hubba-hubba, check out these studs.
                         
          It's Joan Ostrowski-Fox, the woman Tim met in the gym. Dean
          and Ronald get up, greet her warmly. Tim looks at his soda.
                         
                          RONALD
           Joan Ostrowski-Fox.
                         
                          DEAN
           The O-Fox!
                         
          Joan does an ironic, flirtatious curtsy.
                         
                          JOAN
           Here she is, Miss America.
                         
                          RONALD
           You fly in from Omaha, Joan?
                         
                          JOAN
           Yup. And boy are my arms tired.
                         
          Ronald giggles, more animated than we've seen him.
           39.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           No, not really. I drove. Deanzie,
           let me say...
           (does Billy Crystal character)
           ... you look maah-velous!
                         
                          DEAN
           (does a bad Austin Powers)
           Oh yeah baby. Shag-a-licious!
                         
          They laugh. Tim stares ahead, wishing for invisibility.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Tim, this is the Queen Bee of ASMI,
           Joan Ostrowski-Fox. The O-Fox.
                         
          Tim turns around, acts like he just now recognizes Joan.
                         
                          TIM
           Hey. Ha. From the fitness center.
                         
                          JOAN
           Hey! It's Tim "don't get lippy with
           me" Lippe.
                         
                          RONALD
           You guys met?
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh yeah, and I was very naughty in
           there. I'm sorry about that, Tim.
                         
                          DEAN
           No she's not.
                         
                          JOAN
           No I'm not.
                          (THEN)
           Shots! What'll it be, gentlemen?
                         
                          DEAN
           Oh yeah, Jaeger time!
                         
                          RONALD
           Oh what the heck. Drambuie.
                         
                          JOAN
           Lippe?
                         
                          TIM
           Oh, I don't, ah...
                         
          The peer pressure! Tim scans the liquor behind the bar,
          settles on a bottle that looks impressive.
           40.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Ah... Grenadine? Please.
                         
           SLAM CUT TO:
                         
                         
          SHOT POUNDING - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Joan, Ronald and Dean wince as they slam their shots. Tim
          sips the thick red syrup, surprised by its sweetness.
                         
                          JOAN
           Careful you don't get too loaded,
           Lippe, or I might have to take
           advantage of you.
                         
          Joan squeezes Tim's thigh. Tim bolts off of his stool.
                         
                          TIM
           It's been a super long day. I, ah,
           better... Good night...
                         
          Tim awkwardly leaves the bar. Dean nudges Joan.
                         
                          DEAN
           (sings Hall & Oates)
           Whoa-o here she comes-- she's a man
           eater!
                         
          As Tim hurries out of the bar, Bree, the woman in the denim
          skirt who Tim met outside enters. She's locking arms with a
          stout INSURER, 49. Tim pauses long enough to say hi.
                         
                          TIM
           Hello Bree.
                         
                          BREE
                          (VAGUELY SEXY)
           Hey. Hey.
                         
          With that, Tim is gone...
                         
                         
          INT. MILLIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Millie is on the phone in her bathrobe. Her dog sits with her.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Marlene's brother's back in the
           hospital, so bridge got canceled.
           So we just watched hockey.
                         
           TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
           We?
           41.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Wade is still there watching TV. He's drinking a beer.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Me and Wade.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim sits on a roll-away bed in his pajamas. He's on his cell.
                         
                          TIM
           Wade.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           He says hey.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh. Tell him hey.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Tim says hey...
                         
          A beat of silence. Tim looks irritated.
                         
           MILLIE (O. S. ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
           I picked up that diet wet food for
           Brandy today.
                         
                          TIM
           I have to do some work before bed,
           so...
                         
           MILLIE (O. S. ON PHONE)
                          (TERSE)
           Well I should let you go.
                         
                          TIM
           No, it's-- I love you so bad,
           babygirl. It's so hard here. I just
           miss you.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           I miss you, too, Tim. But this was
           your decision. You have to act like
           a big boy now.
                         
                          TIM
           Tss. Yeah, yeah. Keep reminding me.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           You'll be fine. Just be careful.
                         
                          TIM
           OK. You, too. I love you.
           42.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim hangs up, world-weary.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE BATHROOM - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim sits on the toilet. His laptop sits on the counter, the
          Two Diamond presentation on the screen. He practices for the
          full-length mirror on back of the bathroom door.
                         
                          TIM
           Current risk mitigation mechanisms
           available to hog farm operations
           include futures and options to...
                         
          The bathroom door opens. It's Deanzie. Tim shrieks.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I'm in here!
                         
                          DEAN
                          (WHISPERING)
           I know. This needs to be private.
                          (WHIFFS)
           Whoa. Something didn't agree with
           you, did it? Second thought, meet
           me in the stairwell after you wrap
           things up in here.
                         
                         
          INT. STAIRWELL - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Deanzie sips from a mini-bar bottle of rum as Tim, now in a
          flannel bathrobe and slippers, enters the dingy stairwell.
                         
                          TIM
           What the heck is going on here?
                         
                          DEAN
           You sound like my fuckin' wife,
           Timbo. Jesus. Ex, I should say. EX.
                         
          Dean sits heavily on the cement stairs. He hiccups, burps.
          Tim looks at Dean with a feeling that borders pity.
                         
                          TIM
           Are you drunk?
                         
                          DEAN
           Fuck yeah!
           (calms himself, whispers)
           Fuck yeah. But we didn't get to
           finish our little confab back at
           the bar. I figured some shit out.
                          (MORE)
           43.
          Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Like I told you, no shocker--
           Helgesson's buttering you up to get
           you in his camp, because he knows
           you and me are close...
                         
                          TIM
           We're not close...
                         
                          DEAN
           Close enough. You're voting for me
           for President, right?
                         
                          TIM
           No I'm not.
                         
                          DEAN
           Well anyway, there's a petition
           going around trying to take away
           your company's Two Diamond Awards.
                         
                          TIM
           I know. I heard.
                         
                          DEAN
           Well hear this: After you left the
           bar, Mike Pyle comes up to me--
           Pyle of shit, I call him-- and he
           asks do I want to sign this thing.
           And I go, "Lemke might have been a
           class-A deviant, but the guy was
           tits as a rep..."
                         
                          TIM
           Pardon my French, Dean, but that's
           a bunch of bull roar. My boss, Bill
           Krogstad? He told me how you called
           up Joyce Armbr�ster and smeared
           Roger's name all over town...
                         
                          DEAN
           Joyce who...? Oh, no-no-no, whoa-
           whoa-whoa, that old whore called
           ME. Harping about Lemke being a
           pervert and how she wants to take
           her business elsewhere. So I says,
           "OK, I'll run some numbers." Well,
           she calls back later that same day,
           says she got Krogstad to lower her
           premium. Which is all the greasy
           twat wanted in the first place.
                         
                          TIM
           So wait, you didn't call her?
           44.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          DEAN
           I may be a lot of things, but
           poacher ain't one of `em.
                         
          Tim lets this sink in. Dean hiccups and burps again.
                         
                          TIM
           So what's with this petition?
                         
                          DEAN
           Personally? I think Mike Pyle of
           Shit started the thing as a way to
           drive down the price of your
           agency. Dollars to donuts he wants
           to swoop in and pick up Northlands
           at a bargain basement price. And
           you know what else I think? I think
           Orin's in on the deal somehow.
                         
          What? That's impossible.
                         
                          TIM
           What? That's impossible.
                         
                          DEAN
           I can't quite figure it myself, but
           I know what I know. And what I know
           is you're wading into some duvious,
           er dubious, shit. Just be careful.
                         
          Tim looks shell-shocked. What a long, long day it's been.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          A SERIES OF SHOTS -- AS SLUMBER OVERTAKES THE HOLIDOME
                         
          - IN JOAN OSTROWSKI-FOX'S ROOM: Joan is bent over her tub,
          applying a Clairol Nice `N' Easy home hair color kit. She
          gets up, puts on a shower cap . She applies cold cream to her
          face. She looks tired and decidedly middle-aged.
                         
          - IN THE HALLWAY: Bree drunkenly escorts a different INSURER
          back to his room.
                         
          - IN THE JUNIOR SUITE BEDROOM: Ronald sleeps soundly, gently
          snoring. Tim tosses and turns in his cot. He looks out into
          the living room where he sees:
                         
          Deanzie at the desk chair, gently masturbating. We move in to
          see what he's looking at: A photo of a woman in a bikini.
          She's attractive enough, carrying a few too many pounds.
          Certainly no supermodel. Pull out to reveal:
           45.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          The woman is the subject of a Christmas photo card. The typed
          script reads, Happy Holidays from Dean & Patti Ziegler.
          Christmas `93, Panama City Beach, FLA.
                         
          Next to the woman stands a younger, slimmer Deanzie.
                         
                          FADE OUT:
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
                         
          Tim holds hands with Ronald and a DOUGHY MAN at a round table
          in a room full of people holding hands. Orin says a prayer.
                         
                          ORIN
           ... In Your Name we pray Lord Jesus,
           Son of God, Author of our Salvation,
           our Redeemer, our Truth. Amen.
                         
          Amen. The gathered INSURERS head to the breakfast buffet.
                         
                          RONALD
           Orin knows how to lead a prayer
           breakfast, tell you what.
                         
                          TIM
           Hmm...? Oh. Yeah.
                         
                          RONALD
           Little overwhelming? All this?
                         
                          TIM
           Hello, thank you. I feel like my
           head is gonna like...
           (makes explosion face)
           Y'know?
                         
                          RONALD
           Oh I hear ya L & C. Loud and clear.
           I was the same way when I first
           came to ASMI. The deciding which
           break-out sessions to attend, plus
           the politics, the pressure, the not
           knowing who to trust...
                         
          Orin catches Tim's eye, gives him a friendly wink. Just then,
          Tim's phone rings. He looks at the caller ID.
                         
                          TIM
           Excuse me, Ronald. It's my boss.
                          (ANSWERS PHONE)
           This is Tim.
           46.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. BILL KROGSTAD'S BUICK LESABRE - DAY
                         
          Bill Krogstad talks on the phone as he drives. His wife,
          DIONE, crochets in the passenger's seat.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Tim. Bill Krogstad. Got a call from
           Orin Helgesson. Tells me he's
           worried about you. Tells me you're
           palling around with Dean Ziegler.
           Laughing at his jokes, buying him
           drinks...
                         
           TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
           I... No...
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           What's the ONE thing I told you to
           do? The one thing, Tim? Steer clear
           of Dean Ziegler. GODDAMNIT, you're
           lousing the whole thing up!
                         
                          DIONE KROGSTAD
           Bill...
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Not now Dione.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim tries to get a word in.
                         
                          TIM
           Bill, I... That Dean Ziegler-- he
           was trying to warn me about Orin.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Warn you about Orin? Orin Helgesson
           has been ASMI Midwest Region
           President for 13 years! He is a
           LEGEND! And what do you do?! You go
           and pal around with his sworn enemy--
           who, P.S., is a drunken loser!
                         
                          TIM
           Bill, I'm sorry...
                         
                         
          INT. BILL KROGSTAD'S LESABRE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Krogstad punches the car roof.
           47.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           I sent you to ASMI to restore our
           image, Tim. One day into the deal
           you're lousing the whole thing up!
                          (TO DIONE)
           See how far Gladstone is from Cedar
           Rapids, Dione. Look in the atlas.
                         
                          DIONE KROGSTAD
           You're not driving to Iowa, Bill.
           This is your daughter's wedding.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Oh cripes, you know as well as I do
           that Polack's gonna head for the
           hills the second he gets his papers.
           But no, you want to end up in the
           poor house, Dione, we'll go. Let's
           just keep on cashing checks we
           don't have...
                         
                          DIONE KROGSTAD
           We are going to our daughter's
           wedding, Bill.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim deflates, actually fighting back tears.
                         
                          TIM
           I didn't know I did anything wrong.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Well you better try doing something
           right, Lippe. Because if you keep
           lousing up, we all by god starve!
           And don't you tell me to calm down
           Dione!
                         
          Krogstad hangs up. Rattled, Tim hurries for the exit. He gets
          in the revolving door when he spots Joan Ostrowski-Fox
          outside having a cigarette. Rather than face her, Tim keeps
          going in the revolving door. But she sees him and waves.
                         
                         
          EXT. HOLIDOME - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim does one more turn in the revolving door and steps out.
                         
                          JOAN
           I'm a very bad girl. But I swear I
           only smoke in Cedar Rapids. Care
           for a Virginia Slim, Lippe?
           48.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim just shakes his head, unable to hide his despondence.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           Whoa, what's wrong?
                         
                          TIM
           Mm, I don't know. Only everything.
                         
          Joan gives him a kind, gentle smile.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS PARK - DAY (A LITTLE WHILE LATER)
                         
          Tim and Joan swing on a swing set in a dreary little park
          overlooking the Cedar River. It is a cold, gray day.
                         
                          TIM
           He didn't have to yell at me. I
           didn't do anything wrong. I'm
           trying my hardest.
                         
                          JOAN
           D'you want me to kick his butt?
                         
                          TIM
           Could you?
                         
                          JOAN
           Absolutely. I know Krogstad. I could
           take him. `Sides, I'm a ninja. A nin-
           jette, actually. Hoo-waaaah!
                          (TIM CHUCKLES)
           So Lippe, how'd you end up in the
           insurance game? God that sounded
           dorky-- insurance game.
           (does 40s-style Cagney)
           Look here, see, how'd you end up in
           the insurance game, see...?
                         
                          TIM
           You are freaky.
           (laughs, then)
           No, it's kind of weird how I got
           interested in insurance, actually.
           When I was six, my dad got killed
           in a sawmill accident.
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh my God.
           49.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. Not good. But after he died,
           our insurance agent fought like a
           tiger against the sawmill to make
           sure me and my mom were taken care
           of. And we were.
                          (BEAT)
           The crazy thing-- our agent was
           actually Bill Krogstad.
                         
                          JOAN
           No way. Really?
                         
                          TIM
           He had just opened Northlands.
           Anyway, I remember thinking, this
           guy's a hero. A real hero. So even
           if he doesn't always treat me, like
           y'know... whatever now-- I'll never
           forget that.
                         
          Tim jumps off the swing, taking care not to slip in the snow.
          Joan jumps off. They walk toward the river, silent for a bit.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           This river-- the Cedar River? It
           flooded the whole city a couple
           years ago.
                         
                          JOAN
           I remember that. Massive disaster.
                         
                          TIM
           People talk about the firemen and
           policemen and that. But think about
           all the claims in a disaster like
           that-- how hard those agents worked
           to make sure people's lives weren't
           left in the lurch. We're talking
           billions of dollars in damages,
           literally. And claim by claim,
           dream by dream, those agents helped
           rebuild this city. I'm telling you,
           it's a noble calling. I really
           believe that.
                         
                          JOAN
           You realize you just made it sound
           cool to be an insurance salesman?
           You are a hero, Lippe.
                         
                          TIM
           Tss. I wish.
           50.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           No, I can tell. You're the Superman
           type. Kind of dweeby on the surface
           but a real frickin' stud underneath.
           They'd call you Insurance Man-- put
           a big red "I" on your chest...
                         
                          TIM
           Well, even if you're being full of
           it, thanks for saying that anyway.
                         
                          JOAN
           Well, you're welcome.
                          (THEN)
           So can you fly me back to the
           hotel, Insurance Man? I'm freezing
           my arse off.
                         
          He laughs, sufficiently cheered up. She snaps her fingers and
          starts heading back.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - DAY
                         
          Dean and Orin argue. Ronald tries to stay out of it.
                         
                          DEAN
           I'm saying a Bridge to the 22nd
           Century is a stupid theme,
           Helgesson. Not a goddamn one of us
           is even going to be alive in the
           22nd Century...
                         
                          ORIN
           Oh, and I suppose under a Dean
           Ziegler administration, we'd just
           abandon E-Commerce and all that,
           huh? What's your take, Ronald?
                         
                          RONALD
           End of the day, you know I'm a big
           supporter of yours, Orin...
                         
                          DEAN
           Stab me in the fucking back why
           don't you, Wilkes...
                         
                          RONALD
           Why would I stab you in the back,
           Dean, when I'm telling you to your
           face that I think you'd be a lousy
           President?
           51.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          That deflates the tension. The three men are laughing as Tim
          approaches. Dean spots him first.
                         
                          DEAN
           Timbo! Sorry about that gigantic
           boner I got while we were spooning.
                         
          Tim freezes, looks at Orin.
                         
                          TIM
           We didn't spoon, Orin...
                         
                          ORIN
           To each his own, Tim.
           (gives Tim a kind wink)
           I'm teasing, of course. Well, I
           gotta run to an Executive Council
           meeting. You fellas really ought to
           check out Mike Pyle's Prop/Cas
           seminar...
                         
                          DEAN
           Pyle of shit.
                         
                          ORIN
           Mike's a dynamite orator. I think
           you'd enjoy it. We'll see ya.
                         
          Orin walks away.
                         
                          DEAN
           Smug fuck.
           (then, to Tim & Ronald)
           So who's ready for a drink?
                         
                          RONALD
           It's 11 in the morning.
                         
                          DEAN
                          (MIMICS)
           It's 11 in the morning. Can you
           believe this guy? C'mon Timbo,
           let's get the flock outta here.
                         
                          TIM
           You need to leave me alone.
                         
          Dean and Ronald watch curiously as Tim practically runs away.
           52.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. MEETING ROOM - LATER THAT MORNING
                         
          Tim, Ronald and Joan sit on folding chairs in the front row.
          Mike Pyle, his creamy skin offset by an aquamarine sweater
          vest, speaks with subdued energy to the half-full room.
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
           I'd like to share a humorous
           anecdote. A gentleman is drowning
           in a lake or pond, and he's 20 feet
           offshore. Well, along comes an
           actuary. And this actuary sees the
           drowning gentleman and throws him
           an 11 foot rope. And the gentleman
           says, "But I'm 20 feet offshore!"
           And the actuary says, "Well, I'm
           meeting you MORE than halfway."
                         
          The room busts up laughing. Tim takes notes.
                         
           MIKE PYLE (CONT'D)
           So Property/Casualty Insurance, or
           Prop/Cas, it's one of the most
           dynamic areas of our industry...
                         
          Mike Pyle pauses as a HOTEL CLERK enters, whispers something
          to him and hands him a note. Mike reads the note.
                         
           MIKE PYLE (CONT'D)
           Ah, is there a Tim Lip in here?
           There's an emergency call.
                         
          Tim looks concerned as he rises.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim takes the phone from the DESK CLERK.
                         
                          TIM
           Hello.
                         
           VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
                          (CHINESE ACCENT)
           Herro Mr. Tim, my name Chin Chang.
           There bad news about your fianc�.
                         
                          TIM
           Millie? Something happened...?
                         
           VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Ah, you wise man Mr. Tim. She die
           in horrible car accident...
           53.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim's stomach drops.
                         
           VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
           ... but her dying wish for you, Mr.
           Tim, to get shit-face with Deanzie.
                         
          Whip pan to reveal Dean on another house phone.
                         
                          DEAN
           Timbo! Turn around!
                         
          Tim turns, sees Dean. A torrent of anger rises. Tim charges
          at Dean. He shoves him. Dean is a much larger man and is
          therefore impervious to Tim's inelegant, girlish assault.
          Despite the low-key nature of the melee, it draws the
          attention of Trent, the desk clerk.
                         
                          TRENT
           Gentlemen! I will call security.
                         
          Tim deflates. He gives Dean one more shove. Dean laughs.
                         
                          TIM
           What the H did I ever do to you,
           you a-hole.
                         
          Tim walks away. Dean calls after him.
                         
                          DEAN
           Come on bud, I was having fun.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim sits on his cot. He is on his cell phone.
                         
                          TIM
           I just wanted to hear your voice.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Brandy, no! Bad girl! Sorry, she's
           giving me grief over this new wet
           food. What did you need now, Tim?
                         
                          TIM
           Nothing. Nothing really...
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Well I for one feel like I ought to
           be on the fire department, I'm
           putting out so many fires. Lucy
           Kofnetka asked me to do altar guild
           for her. Again.
           54.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Oh.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Patti told me Lucy's seeing some
           guy who doesn't even go to church,
           so she apparently feels no need to
           maintain her responsibil... Brandy!
           No! She's going number two on the
           floor! No! You get outside! I'll
           call you later, Tim...
                         
          He hangs up. He exhales. He looks out the window: An
          Applebee's. A Super Target. Traffic on the distant interstate.
                         
          Something is bubbling in Tim-- maybe not cauldron of lava;
          more like a cup of soup left in the microwave a bit too long.
          But still, there's a boiling, churning glow behind his eyes.
                         
                         
          INT. NOTTINGHAM BANQUET ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim determinedly enters a banquet room where VENDORS have set
          up booths. He approaches a WOMAN at a table with a sign that
          says Met Life Scavenger Hunt!
                         
                          TIM
           I'd like to sign up for the
           scavenger hunt.
                         
                          WOMAN
           Super. Teaming with a co-worker or
           are you in need of a partner?
           (off Tim's look)
           This is a team event, like the
           Amazing Race. On TV? But instead of
           going around the world, you look
           for stuff in Cedar Rapids. And
           instead of a million dollars, the
           winning team gets a $75 gift card
           for Westdale, which is...
                         
                          TIM
           Eastern Iowa's largest two-story
           mall. I know. Sweet.
           (a thought, a moment)
           And yes, I do have a teammate.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM) - DAY
                         
          Ronald and Joan exit the Seminar. They spot Tim.
           55.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           Everything OK?
                         
                          JOAN
           Yeah, what was that call?
                         
                          TIM
           Oh, nothing. Say Joan, you have
           something on your blouse.
                         
          Joan looks down at her blouse. Tim flicks her chin.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Burn.
                         
                          JOAN
                          (LAUGHS)
           You are very weird...
                         
                          TIM
           (bad Elvis impersonation)
           Thank you. Thank you very much.
                          (AWKWARD)
           So, ah, I signed you up for the
           Scavenger Hunt. To be my teammate.
           In the Scavenger Hunt.
                         
                          JOAN
           Really? Why?
                         
                          TIM
           Uh, well I... Because Ronald
           already had a teammate...
                         
                          RONALD
           Bill Hernandez?
                         
                          JOAN
           Taco Bill.
                         
                          TIM
           ... And I thought you'd-- we'd-- be
           y'know, a decent team. So...
           (then, firm)
           I think you should do it.
                         
                          JOAN
           Heck yeah! I get to be Insurance
           Man's sidekick. We're going to kick
           some ASS!
                         
          A few PEOPLE look curiously at Joan. Tim stands up a bit
          straighter. This is good. This is good.
           56.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - LATER THAT DAY
                         
          Orin, in a theme-appropriate safari hat, addresses the 10
          TEAMS. Among them: Tim & Joan, Ronald & Taco Bill, Mike Pyle
          & a FRIZZY-HAIRED WOMAN. Dean is absent.
                         
                          ORIN
           Like last year there'll be a few
           physical challenges...
                         
                          TIM
                          (TO JOAN)
           I am super pumped!
                         
                          JOAN
                          (WHISPERS)
           Whoo-hoo.
                         
                          ORIN
           Course this should be considered a
           fun event, in the spirit of team
           building. You can find your first
           clue "under the sea." By which I
           mean in the pool area. So ready,
           set, race!
                         
          As the teams take off for the pool, Dean enters. Tim pauses
          long enough to say:
                         
                          TIM
           You're going down, a-hole.
                         
          Just then, Dean's partner, a MAN in an electric wheelchair,
          PERRY KUHN, 29, rolls in. They high five and whoo-hoo.
                         
                          DEAN
           Let's roll, Perry-- Perry-plegic.
           Get it, like paraplegic? But...
                         
                          PERRY
           Yeah. Good one, Dean-tard. Like
           retard, but Dean-tard. Get it?
                         
          Dean laughs as he and Perry follow the other contestants.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          The pool is large and reasonably impressive, with a slide,
          lawn furniture, a whirlpool and a video arcade nearby. The
          contestants rush in. Tim spots something on the bottom of the
          pool. A series of bricks spell out: PLANET X.
           57.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Check it out-- Planet X!
                         
          Tim unzips his hidden cummerbund/money belt. He pulls out a
          small laminated packet, held together with metal rings.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I compiled a ton of info on Cedar
           Rapids. I've got a sweet laminator
           in my basement.
                         
                          JOAN
           Ooh, that's hot...
                         
                          TIM
           (flips through his packet)
           ... Maps, area attractions, crime
           stats, local customs...
                         
                          JOAN
           Look at you...
                         
                          TIM
           Bingo! Right here-- Planet X Family
           Fun Center. Let's go. Act natural.
                         
          Joan cracks up. They walk out casually. For good measure:
                         
                          JOAN
           What a gyp. There are no stinkin'
           clues in here.
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. TIM'S RENTAL CAR - DAY
                         
          Tim and Joan laugh as he peels out of the parking lot.
                         
                          TIM
           OK, I think we're going to want to
           take Blair's Ferry Road to Avenue
           C, then probably east on 100.
                         
                          JOAN
           Why would you possibly know that?
                         
                          TIM
           I memorized the major thoroughfares
           and landmarks in the metro area.
                         
          Rather than say anything, Joan just shakes her head and turns
          on the radio. GROOVE IS IN THE HEART kicks in, providing a:
                         
           MUSIC BED OVER:
           58.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          THE SCAVENGER HUNT MONTAGE --
                         
                         
          INT. PLANET X FAMILY FUN CENTER - DAY
                         
          Tim, Joan and the other teams bound through a huge, Martian-
          themed ball pit. They start digging through the balls. Perry
          sits dejectedly off to the side in his wheelchair.
                         
          Tim and Ronald shove past Mike Pyle, knocking him down. Tim
          is the first to discover a foam "moon rock" amid the balls.
          The rock reads, "ASMI ROCKS!" Taped to the bottom, a message:
                         
                          TIM
                          (READS MESSAGE)
           "You've seen the future, now Czech
           out Cedar Rapid's past." But it's
           Czech, like Czechoslovakia. C'mon!
                         
                         
          SERIES OF SHOTS --
                         
          - AT THE NATIONAL CZECH MUSEUM: A traditionally costumed
          CZECH WOMAN, 80, shows Tim and Joan how to paint an EGG. The
          egg is lovely, with intricate patterns and vibrant colors.
                         
          - IN THE CAR: Joan reads through Tim's laminated booklet as
          he drives. She's really getting into it, too. Tim's phone
          keeps ringing. It's Millie. He ignores it.
                         
          - IN A GYMNASIUM: Ronald awkwardly tries to make a basket,
          becomes upset when he misses. Joan swishes a 3-pointer.
                         
          - AT A DAIRY FARM: The teams milk cows. Mike Pyle is
          particularly proficient. Dean can't help himself.
                         
                          DEAN
           Know what that cow's thinking,
           Pyle? She's thinking, "quit pulling
           on my tits and fuck me already."
                         
          - IN A PARKING LOT: Dean loads Perry into a handicap-
          accessible van as Mike Pyle and his partner blow past them.
                         
          - AT THE IOWA PORK SHRINE: Joan gobbles down hot dogs in a
          speed eating contest. Tim cheers her on.
                         
                          JOAN
           Ugh. I'm gonna puke.
                         
                          TIM
           No, you're doing great, Joan. And
           you look super awesome with a
           wiener in your mouth.
           59.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           (stunned, mouth full)
           Oh my God, did you just make a dick
           joke, Lippe?
                         
                          TIM
           No.
           (giggles, with pride)
           Maybe.
                         
          Joan bites seductively into her hot dog. The others are close
          behind. Except Ronald's partner, Taco Bill, who is vomiting.
                         
                         
          EXT. SILO ADVENTURE PARK - DAY (LATE AFTERNOON)
                         
          The sun is low. Long, phallic shadows are cast by a series of
          70-foot silos which are covered with thick sheets of ice.
                         
          Tim and Joan run up to Orin, who is waiting by the silos.
                         
                          ORIN
           OK guys, this is it. First team to
           complete this challenge wins the
           whole shootin' match.
           (unfurls a scroll, reads)
           ASMI's past is behind us; But our
           future looks nice; Let's Build a
           Bridge to the 22nd Century... by
           scaling this silo of ice!
                         
          Some DUDES with ice climbing equipment-- ropes, picks, etc.
          appear. Tim looks petrified. Joan shakes her head.
                         
                          JOAN
           That doesn't even... There's no
           such thing as silo ice climbing.
                         
                          TIM
           No, it's actually a big thing in
           Iowa. ABC news did a story about
           it. I saw it on YouTube.
                         
                          JOAN
           Of course you did. Well, you can do
           it then...
                         
                          TIM
           Uh-uh, absolutely not. I'm scared
           crapless of heights.
                         
                          JOAN
           You need to get over it, Lippe, cuz
           I'm not climbing jack.
                          (MORE)
           60.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           Come on Insurance Man-- leap tall
           buildings in a single bound and all
           that...
                         
          Tim's nostrils flair. Just then, Mike Pyle and his partner
          arrive. Tim looks to the top of the silo. It is dizzyingly
          high. He shuts his eyes for a moment, exhales.
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. Let's do this thing.
                         
          Orin turns on a boom box, which blasts some triumphant music
          (Whitesnake's HERE I GO AGAIN, perhaps).
                         
          QUICK CUTS: The Dudes get Tim and Mike Pyle into their
          climbing gear-- harnesses, helmets, crampons.
                         
          And they start climbing. Sort of. Tim jams his pick into the
          ice. He tries to pull himself up, but can't. Mike fares
          worse. He can't even get his pick to stick in the ice.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Hang on... How's it...?
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
           Little help here...
                         
          The Dudes shout instructions. Tim and Mike try again. To no
          avail. Neither could do a pull-up if his life depended on it.
                         
          A LITTLE WHILE LATER --
                         
          All the contestants have shown up. But not a damn one of them
          can get more than a foot off the ground.
                         
                          TIM
           Ugh. This is frickin' hard.
                         
                          RONALD
           Really hard.
                         
                          DEAN
           I think I just shit my pants.
                         
          Joan cheers. Orin looks to the Dudes, who shrug.
                         
          A LITTLE WHILE LATER --
                         
          Orin talks on his cell phone, conferring. The contestants
          wait in a field, shivering. The sun is getting lower. Orin
          hangs up, sighs, shuts off the uplifting music.
           61.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          ORIN
           OK gang, that was Rick Martini with
           the National Chapter. Here's the
           deal. Since no one could do the
           final task, and since Joan and Tim
           were the first team to get here,
           we're just gonna go ahead and award
           them the first place prize. Unless
           anyone's got a problem with that?
                         
          Ronald mutters to himself, frustrated with his performance.
                         
                          RONALD
           Dangit. You could've done better,
           Wilkes.
                         
                          TIM
           Wait, we won?
                         
                          ORIN
           Yup. So here you guys go. Your $75
           gift card for the Westdale Mall.
                         
          Orin hands Joan the gift card. Despite the anticlimax, Tim is
          overjoyed. He picks up Joan and spins her around. Everyone
          else just wanders away.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S RENTAL CAR (DRIVING) - THAT EVENING
                         
          Tim is ebullient. Joan rides shotgun. The screen on Tim's
          phone says that he's missed 11 calls. It rings again.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh crap. I forgot...
                          (ANSWERS PHONE)
           Hey, Millie.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           I have been trying to reach you for
           the last eight hours, Timothy. I
           was going to call the police. Where
           have you been?
                         
                          TIM
           I'm sorry, Mil. I signed up for
           this scavenger hunt, and check it
           out-- we won! My teammate and I,
           that is. Joan.
                         
                          JOAN
           Hi Millie!
           62.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           That was Joan saying hi.
           (beat, to Joan)
           Millie says hi.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           I did not say hi. I didn't say
           anything. If you had asked, I would
           have told you that I've been at the
           vet half the day because Brandy
           swallowed a pencil eraser.
                         
          Something dawns on Tim-- who gives a shit. He glances at Joan
          and her skirt and her exposed knee.
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
           Lucky for us it came out naturally
           or we'd have been looking at
           surgery.
                         
          Tim pulls into a spot in the Westdale Mall parking lot. He
          gestures for Joan to wait a second.
                         
                          JOAN
           I'll just meet you inside.
                         
                          TIM
           OK. Sounds good.
                          (TO MILLIE)
           Sorry Mil, go ahead.
                         
                         
          INT. MILLIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Millie looks wounded.
                         
                          MILLIE
           So who's this Joan?
                         
                         
          EXT. WESTDALE MALL - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim gets out of the car.
                         
                          TIM
           Just some gal from Omaha they
           paired me up with. Between you and
           me, she's a little different. Real
           hyper-- one of these types who kind
           of overdoes it. But for a 75 dollar
           gift card, I'm not going to
           complain.
           63.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
           MILLIE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           You promised you'd check in with
           me. I'm very disappointed.
                         
                          TIM
                          (PLAYFUL)
           OK, Mom...
                         
          Silence. It's as though a profound revelation has just
          slipped out. As if, in an instant, everything has changed.
                         
                         
          INT. MILLIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Millie's heart sinks. She looks at her Beanie Babies.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Well. You obviously have more
           important things to do than talk to
           me. My brother and I were just
           getting ready to go for fish at the
           Eagles anyhow.
                         
          Reveal: Wade is sitting in his rightful throne, watching an
          aerobics show on TV. Millie snaps at him.
                         
                          MILLIE (CONT'D)
           Go warm up the car, Wade.
                         
           TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Mil, I didn't...
                         
                          MILLIE
           It's fine. You'll call me some time
           when it's convenient for you, Tim.
           Good Night.
                         
          Millie hangs up. Wade gives her a supportive shrug.
                         
                         
          EXT. WESTDALE MALL - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim snaps his phone shut. What just happened? He considers
          his options for a moment.
                         
                         
          INT. WESTDALE MALL - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Joan window shops at a LensCrafters. Tim approaches her.
                         
                          TIM
           Hey. What say we just use the gift
           certificate to get a nice supper
           here? At the mall.
           64.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Joan smiles at him, and we:
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE GARDEN - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim approaches the Olive Garden MA�TRE D'.
                         
                          TIM
           We have a gift card. But I didn't
           make a reservation. Is that OK?
                         
          Save for three tables of ELDERLY PEOPLE, the place is empty.
                         
                          MA�TRE D'
           Right this way, sir.
                         
          Tim raises his eyebrows to Joan-- not too shabby.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE GARDEN, ROMANTIC BOOTH - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          Tim and Joan are seated in a candlelit booth. Opera Muzak
          tinkles. If you didn't know this to be a mall-based chain,
          you might think it a romantic Italian restaurant. Maybe.
                         
          An acne-scarred WAITER, 21, approaches with a tray.
                         
                          WAITER
           Coors Lite for the madam. A cream
           sherry for monsieur. And here are
           some bottomless bread sticks.
                         
                          TIM
           Nice. Thanks.
                         
          The waiter exits. Tim raises his glass for a toast.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           To victory. To new friends. To life.
           And all the joys of living it.
                         
                          JOAN
           That's really nice. Cheers.
                         
          They clink glasses. Tim takes a dainty sip of his sherry.
                         
                          TIM
           Mm, it does taste a lot like
           communion wine. Awesome.
           65.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                         LATER --
                         
          Joan feeds Tim a bite of her lasagna. A bit sticks to his
          chin. She wipes it off, semi-seductively. Tim laughs.
                         
                          JOAN
           So Lippe, I'm trying to figure you
           out. Hopes, dreams, aspirations,
           blah-blah-blah? Whaddaya got?
                         
                          TIM
           Mine? Let's see. Um. I would love--
           some day-- to put a little
           greenhouse in my backyard.
                         
                          JOAN
           Dream the impossible dream...
                         
                          TIM
           No, I've actually seen some fairly
           decent portable ones at Fleet Farm
           that won't break the bank...
                         
                          JOAN
           C'mon, man. I mean fantasy-land
           stuff. What do you really want?
                         
          A beat. He takes a sip of sherry, shrugs.
                         
                          TIM
           Well. I always hoped I could take
           over Northlands when Bill retired.
           But that obviously isn't going to
           happen now.
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh, screw him. He wants to sell,
           why don't you just buy Northlands?
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah right.
                         
                          JOAN
           Why not? You could get a loan.
                         
                          TIM
           I don't... Probably not.
                         
                          JOAN
           You know the business. You know the
           clients. You actually care about
           your job. You'd be perfect.
           66.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Grrrr. Ha. Time out. Sheesh. Let's.
                          (BEAT)
           OK. What I'd really like is a
           family. To be a dad. So kids, I
           guess, that's what I really want.
                         
                          JOAN
           Yeah well, you can have mine.
                         
                          TIM
           You've got kids?
                         
          Joan takes out her Blackberry. The screensaver is a family
          portrait: Joan, a MAN with a goatee, and TWO CUTE KIDS. All
          of them are dressed in denim.
                         
                          JOAN
           Tyler's ten. Ashley'll be eight
           next month. My little squirrels.
                         
                          TIM
           Awesome. Beautiful kids. And
           that's...?
                         
                          JOAN
           My hubby. Rich Fox. Richie. We met
           when we were both Rotary exchange
           students in high school. Lived in
           Norway for a semester.
                         
                          TIM
           Norway.
                         
                          JOAN
           I was such a spaz. Band geek, total
           ugly duckling-- braces, acne, the
           whole nine. I didn't even get boobs
           until college. Anyway, we ended up
           getting married sophomore year.
           Then kids. Then blah-blah-blah, and
           here we are. Richie's a Supervisor
           in the Parks Department now. For
           the County.
                         
                          TIM
           Wow.
                         
          Tim doesn't hide his shock well. Joan sees it.
                         
                          JOAN
           I know it's effed up. And if I had
           it all to do over again, I don't
           know what I'd choose.
                          (MORE)
           67.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           But I don't have that option. So
           this is my fantasy-land, Tim. Cedar
           Rapids. ASMI. This. I come here,
           and for a few days I'm someone
           else. No kids. No husband. No
           responsibility. Wild woman.
           (an ironic growl)
           Sometimes a gal just needs a
           vacation from who she really is--
           know what I mean, Lippe?
                         
          Tim nods but looks more confused than ever.
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S RENTAL CAR - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Tim drives. The Olive Garden doggie bag sits in Joan's lap.
          Silence, other than the radio. After a bit:
                         
                          TIM
           OK. I thought of another one.
                         
                          JOAN
           One what?
                         
                          TIM
           Wish. Or dream or whatever. It's
           still small potatoes compared to...
                         
                          JOAN
           No, let's hear it...
                         
                          TIM
           ... to all you've done-- Norway and
           all that, but...
                          (BEAT)
           Do you watch American Idol ever?
                         
                          JOAN
           You wanna be on American Idol?
                         
                          TIM
           No-no-no. Negative! Sheesh. But I
           do enjoy watching it quite a bit.
           Randy's always like, "That's
           awesome, dawg!" And Simon's such a--
           (mediocre British accent)
           "Oh, I'm so superior."
                          (THEN)
           Anyhow I was thinking of maybe
           trying-- trying-- to get a solo in
           my choir. At church. I mean, it's
           all super political. But I'm a fair
           to middlin' baritone, so...
           68.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          He shrugs. Joan fights her instinct to tease him.
                         
                          JOAN
           That's great, Tim. You'll do it. I
           know you will. Very cool.
                         
          He shrugs again, but now he's grinning from ear to ear.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME LOBBY - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Tim yawns as he and Joan enter the lobby.
                         
                          JOAN
           Wanna get one for the road, stud?
                         
                          TIM
           Oh no, I have to practice my Two
           Diamond presentation. I can't...
                         
                          JOAN
           One nightcap. It'll loosen you up.
                         
          Tim looks at the ground. He looks up, tries to make a joke.
                         
                          TIM
           Ha. Nightcap. Kneecap, more like...
                         
                          JOAN
           What?
                         
                          TIM
           Yes.
                         
          She looks at him oddly as he charges ahead to the bar.
                         
                         
          INT. HORIZONS BAR & GRILLE - NIGHT
                         
          Taco Bill sings DON'T STOP BELIEVING on the karaoke stage.
          Bree, wearing a new denim skirt, grinds on the dance floor
          with yet another INSURER. Dean watches the action.
                         
                          DEAN
           Timbo and the O-Fox! Wondered when
           you crazy kids were gonna show up.
                         
          He ushers them to the bar, where Ronald is seated.
                         
                          RONALD
           Can I buy the big-shot winners a
           drink? Coors Lite for Joan. And
           Tim, you want a pop?
           69.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Actually, do they have cream sherry?
                         
                          RONALD
           Cream sherry. Jeez, guess that
           victory really did go to your head.
                         
                          JOAN
           Coors Lite's good for me, thanks. I
           gotta run wash my hands quick.
                         
          Joan exits. Ronald goes to order the drinks.
                         
                          DEAN
           You tag that yet, Timbo? Bet she's
           moist as a damp sponge, huh?
                         
                          TIM
           She is MARRIED. And you're just...
           What is wrong with you?
                         
                          DEAN
           Shit, what isn't wrong me? I drink
           too much, I weigh too much, I piss
           people off. Speaking of, that crank
           call earlier-- way outta line.
           People are right, I am an asshole.
                         
                          TIM
           Well. Yeah. You kind of are. But I
           guess I've seen worse.
                         
                          DEAN
           I love it! "I guess I've seen
           worse." I love it!
           (big laugh, then)
           Yeah shit, s'pose we all wish our
           lives had gone a little different.
           You don't come into this deal
           going, "Dear God, please let my
           wife toss me out on my ass. Please
           give my children the courage to
           hate my fucking guts. Thank you
           Jesus. Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus!"
           Ach, I'm just having fun.
           (crosses himself, looks
                          HEAVENWARD)
           No offense Big Man! Right, Timbo?
                         
          Dean laughs heartily. It's a deeply uncomfortable moment. Tim
          looks around. He sees Joan talking to the karaoke DJ.
          Thankfully, Ronald returns with the drinks.
           70.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Ronald! Hello.
           (takes his drink)
           Thanks mucho... So Ronald, what's
           your situation? You married, or...?
                         
                          RONALD
           Negative. I'm pretty well married
           to Ronald Wilkes Insurance. I also
           do quite a bit of work with the St.
           Cloud Chamber. I'm Senior Warden at
           my church. So really, no time for a
           Mrs. Ronald Wilkes.
                         
                          TIM
           Wow.
                         
                          RONALD
           Don't get me wrong, I have my
           guilty pleasures-- antiquing, I'm
           active in community theater. And I
           have to admit I'm a big enthusiast
           of the HBO program, The Wire. But
           shux, I haven't had a proper
           vacation in nine years.
                         
                          TIM
           I never use my vacation time.
                         
                          DEAN
           Maybe you two should take one of
           those gay cruises together.
                         
                          RONALD
           You know what you are Ziegler?
           You're what I call a real Richard.
                         
          Dean and Tim look confused. Ronald giggles to himself.
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           Mr. Richard Head.
                         
                          TIM
           (titters as he figures it out)
           Dick head. Yeah Dean, you are a
           total Richard!
                         
                          DEAN
           Ha! I love it! Richard head!
                         
          Tim high fives Ronald. Joan returns, sits next to Tim.
           71.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           To Tim-- the young rookie comes in,
           takes the scavenger hunt. That
           right there is P-T. Prime Time.
                         
          They all drink to that.
                         
          A BIT LATER --
                         
          Tim has finished his sherry. The bartender pours a second
          glass. Tim wears the shit-eating grin of a first-time drunk.
                         
                          DEAN
           Would you rather toss a bum's
           salad, y'know, eat out his butthole
           or... give your dad a B-J?
                         
                          RONALD
           Come on Ziegler, this is supposed
           to be a clean game...
                         
                          TIM
           No, if you used some salad dressing
           a bum's a-hole might not taste that
           bad. Thousand Island!
                         
          Tim laughs hysterically. Which makes everyone else laugh.
                         
                          JOAN
           Shots!
           (to the bartender)
           Kamikazes, good sir.
                         
           KARAOKE DJ (O.S.)
           OK. We're ready for Tim Lip to rock
           the mic. Is there a Tim Lip?
                         
                          TIM
           Did he just...?
                         
                          JOAN
           Why wait for the church choir when
           you can take care of one of your
           dreams right now, dude?
                         
                          TIM
           No, no, no, no, no...
                         
          The bartender pours the shots. Joan whispers to Tim.
                         
                          JOAN
           I know you can do it, Lippe. Go be
           my hero-- Insurance Man.
           72.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          KARAOKE DJ
           Tim Lip? You in the house?
                         
          Joan passes Tim the shot. He slams it. The room applauds as
          Tim nervously makes his way to the stage.
                         
          Tim confers with the DJ. The DJ nods, cues up the song. Tim
          gives Joan a look of mock anger as he takes the mic.
                         
                          TIM
           I, um, I've met some really, just
           super neat people here. But this
           song, I'd like to dedicate to the
           first African-American person I've
           ever met. I mean, I've seen guys at
           the Oneida Mall in Rhinelander--
           said hello and that. But... Anyway,
           I just think you're one of the most
           awesome guys around. Ronald Wilkes!
                         
          Tim gives Ronald a thumbs-up. Ronald returns the gesture as
          the opening bars of Clarence Carter's PATCHES kick in. [NOTE:
          Patches is an EXTREMELY sentimental soul song about a poor
          black kid named Patches.] The first verse is spoken word.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           (reading off the screen)
           I was born and raised down in
           Alabama. On a farm way back up in
           the woods. I was so ragged that
           folks used to call me Patches. Papa
           used to tease me about it. But deep
           down inside he was hurt, 'cause
           he'd done all he could.
                         
          Joan and Dean whoo-hoo!
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           (breaks into song, very soulful)
           My papa was a great old man. I can
           see him with a shovel in his hands.
           See education he never had; He did
           wonders when the times got bad. The
           little money from the crops he raised
           barely paid the bills we made.
                         
          Joan and Dean rush to the dance floor. Ronald remains on his
          bar stool but bops his head politely. Tim tears it up.
          Patches continues, creating a:
                         
           MUSIC BED OVER:
           73.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          A SERIES OF SHOTS --
                         
          - Tim drinks more sherry. The gang laughs, having a blast.
                         
          - Ronald tries to excuse himself.
                         
                          RONALD
           The presentation's in 36 hours. I
           can't afford to be off my game.
           Frankly, neither can you, Tim.
                         
          Tim responds by giving Ronald a noogie. Everyone laughs.
                         
          - Joan, Dean and Ronald roam the Holidome halls. Tim jumps
          out from behind a corner, whips some ice machine ice at Dean.
          Dean takes off running after Tim. Joan and Ronald follow.
                         
          - The song fades out as the four of them approach the Pool
          Area. The sign on the pool door says, Hours 8 AM - 11 PM.
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           This is ridiculous, you guys. Told
           you, it closed an hour ago.
                         
          Tim tries the door. It's open. Dean and Joan go in. Tim and
          Ronald stay in the hall.
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           Tim. Come on. This isn't you.
                         
                          TIM
           Uh-oh. Who is it then?
                         
                          RONALD
           You know what I mean. We've both
           worked our tails off. Why poop it
           away on...
                         
          INSIDE THE POOL AREA:
                         
                          DEAN
           Check this out-- Captain Nemo!
                         
          Dean has placed the top of a garbage can on his head. It
          looks like an old-time scuba apparatus. Tim laughs.
                         
                          TIM
                          (TO RONALD)
           I know. I just...
                         
          Dean slides down the kiddie slide into the pool, fully
          clothed. Tim busts up. It looks like too much fun.
           74.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           No frickin' way!
                         
          Tim goes through the door. Ronald shakes his head.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim turns back, sees Ronald walking away. Tim thinks a beat,
          then keeps on. Other than Dean's splashing, it's quiet and
          peaceful in the semi-darkness. Joan sits on a lawn chair.
                         
                          JOAN
           Whaddaya say, Lippe? Take a dippy?
                         
                          TIM
                          (GERMAN ACCENT)
           Ich can nicht schwimmen. That's "I
           can't swim." In German. And I
           can't. `Sides, I didn't bring a
           bathing suit.
                         
                          JOAN
           So we stay in the shallow end.
           (starts removing clothes)
           And neither did I.
                         
          Gulp. Now in her bra and thong, Joan jumps in. Dean bobs
          around with the trash can on his head.
                         
          Tim slowly starts to undress. He carefully places his money
          belt on a table. He gets down to his T-shirt and tightie-
          whities. Far enough. He eases himself into the shallow end.
                         
                          TIM
           Yow. Chilly. Ha.
                         
          Joan back strokes over to Tim. He tries to look elsewhere.
                         
                          JOAN
           So.
                         
                          TIM
           Yep. Ha. Fun. Fun day.
                         
                          JOAN
           So.
                         
          Joan undoes her bra. Oh jeez.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh jeez.
           75.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          She removes the bra, revealing her breasts-- lovely, soft,
          bright white orbs surrounded by very tan skin. Tim shudders.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           You have tan. A tan. Tan line. You
           have a.
                         
          Joan gets close to Tim. His arms remain at his side.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           You. Are. You're. Married.
                         
          Closer.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I have a fian...
                         
          She kisses him on the mouth, moves his hands to her breasts.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Oh jeez...
                         
          Tim gives in. They make out. In the deep end, Dean takes the
          garbage can off his head and watches.
                         
                          DEAN
           Hell yeah.
                         
          Joan pulls off Tim's T-shirt, flings it aside. They're really
          going to town. OFF-SCREEN, we hear a sliding door open.
                         
          HIGH ANGLE (Specifically, four floors up): From this POV, it
          looks like Tim and Joan are having sex. Dean, meanwhile, has
          moved closer and may or may not be masturbating as he watches
          them. Reveal whose POV this is:
                         
          Orin has come out onto his balcony. He looks aghast.
                         
                          ORIN
           What the heck's going on down
           there?!
                         
          Tim looks up, makes fleeting eye contact with Orin. Shit! Tim
          scrambles to get out of the pool. Joan is a half-step behind
          him. Dean decides that now would be a good time to moon Orin.
                         
                          DEAN
           Suck my ass, Helgesson.
                         
                          ORIN
           I'm calling security!
                         
          Tim grabs his money belt as he and Joan run out of the pool
          area. [Note: Tim has a conspicuous erection.]
           76.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Joan, still topless, leads Tim by the hand as they sprint
          toward her room. They run past a SECURITY GUARD along the
          way. [Note: Tim still has a conspicuous erection.]
                         
                         
          INT. JOAN'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          They burst into Joan's room, laughing to the point of tears.
                         
                          TIM
           Holy crap! We're so dead!
                         
          Then Joan mauls Tim. She tackles him to her bed. He rolls on
          top of her. A primal, guttural howl erupts from Tim. Then:
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I want to make love!
                         
          It's on.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - NIGHT (A LITTLE WHILE LATER)
                         
          Dean pounds on the door to the Junior Suite.
                         
                          DEAN
           Come on, Ronimal! My key got wet.
           Wake up, man!
                          (NO RESPONSE)
           Ah, fuck it.
                         
          Dean lumbers away, leaving puddles of water in his wake.
                         
                         
          INT. JOAN'S ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Post-sex. Tim lies in bed, beatific. Joan, now wearing
          glasses and conservative PJ's, comes out of the bathroom.
                         
                          TIM
           Your body's just so... firm and
           pretty. Mmm. Making love to you was
           just super... super awesome.
                         
          Joan just smiles as she gets into bed.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Wanna cuddle?
                         
                          JOAN
           Cuddle? Um. OK.
           77.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           I love to cuddle.
                          (NUZZLES)
           You're special, Joan. So special...
                         
          Joan awkwardly pats Tim on the head as he drifts to sleep.
                         
                          FADE OUT:
                         
                         
          INT. JOAN'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
                         
          Joan is talking on the phone with her son. Her demeanor is
          entirely different-- a tone and physicality we've not seen.
                         
                          JOAN
           No baby, you guys are playing at
           Papillion/La Vista. Ralston is next
           week...
                          (LISTENS)
           Calm down, Tyler. You're not gonna
           miss it. It's not that far. Put
           your dad on.
                         
          Tim wakes up. The morning light hurts his hung over eyes.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           Hey. Did you not look at the
           schedule on the fridge? Did we not
           have this conversation 10 minutes
           before I left?
           (listens, sighs)
           No, no, no. The playoffs are in
           Ralston. This is the last regular
           season game. He actually has a
           chance to play, Richie. Christ.
                         
          Tim staggers out of bed, smiles. Joan holds up a finger.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           Fine, but watch your speed on 84th
           by Giles Road. Chris Beeler's
           gotten busted twice right there. By
           that golf course.
                          (LISTENS)
           Yeah, Tara Hills. Exactly. OK. Love
           you, too. Bye. Oh, tell Ty to kick
           some butt for me. `K. See ya.
                         
          She hangs up. Tim does a theatrical stretch and yawn.
                         
                          TIM
           Good morning.
           78.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           Crisis on the home front. Sorry if
           I woke you up.
                         
                          TIM
           No problemo.
                         
          Tim sees that Joan's computer is open-- and his Two Diamond
          presentation is up on the screen.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Is that...? Were you looking at my
           Two Diamond presentation?
                         
                          JOAN
           Your cell phone kept ringing in
           your little fanny pack thing, so I
           shut it off. When I saw the discs,
           I figured I'd take a look. It's a
           solid presentation.
                         
                          TIM
           Um. Thanks. It was Roger Lemke's...
                         
                          JOAN
           Yeah, I see that.
                          (WISTFUL BEAT)
           You know we were together right?
                         
                          TIM
           What? Whaddaya...? You and... You
           and Roger, you mean?
                         
                          JOAN
           It's so stupid-- but everyone
           basically treated us like the
           Brangelina of ASMI for a while
           there. It ended two years ago. He
           was getting into some pretty weird
           stuff... as we all know now.
                         
          Tim is livid. He ejects his disc from Joan's computer.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
           Come on, Lippe. It doesn't matter.
           You knew, didn't you?
                         
                          TIM
           My foot I knew! No, I did not. And
           yes, it most certainly does matter.
           Man, this T's me off.
           79.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           Tell me you're not jealous. You
           can't be jealous. The guy's dead.
                         
                          TIM
           Every stinkin' place I go people
           remind me: You're no Roger Lemke.
           You're not as good as Roger Lemke.
           Here we go again.
                         
                          JOAN
           As good? Tim, Roger was a small-
           minded, egotistical jerk. You're an
           infinitely better man than he was.
                         
          This stops Tim in his tracks. Better than Roger Lemke. Wow.
                         
                          TIM
           Why were you with him then?
                         
          This stops Joan in her tracks. Her inner pain percolates.
                         
                          JOAN
           Why? I don't know. I don't know. I
           guess I probably maybe don't like
           myself very much. I don't know.
                         
                          TIM
           Hey, hey. Come on. You're pretty
           and smart and just super awesome.
                          (COY)
           I like you.
                         
          She allows a chuckle. Tim rubs her shoulders, supportive.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Grrr. I'm so frickin' confused. Last
           thing I thought was that I'd come to
           Cedar Rapids and fall in love.
                         
          Joan shakes him off.
                         
                          JOAN
           What are you talking about?
                         
                          TIM
           Us. This.
                         
                          JOAN
           What this? What are you talking
           about? There's no this. There's no
           us. I have a family.
           80.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           What about...?
                         
                          JOAN
           What about it? I told you, what I
           do here... In Cedar Rapids... It
           stays here.
                         
          Tim gets up, even more pissed off than he was before.
                         
                          TIM
           Where the heck are my clothes?
                         
                          JOAN
           Come on, Tim. We're adults here.
           You're acting like a child...
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. Well, you're acting like a
           fricking... prostitute.
                         
          He wraps up in a towel, grabs his money cummerbund and goes.
                         
          A moment. Joan looks at the rumpled bed sheets, starts making
          the bed. As she does, she sees the Clairol Nice `N' Easy hair
          dye box in the garbage. Joan smiles a what has become of my
          life smile. She sits on the bed and stares out the window.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                         
          A MAID looks up from her cart, smiles. Tim, wearing only the
          towel, mumbles as he walks by.
                         
                          TIM
           I lost my slacks somewhere.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME POOL AREA - THAT MOMENT
                         
          Tim's clothes remain where he left them the night before. We
          drift off his clothes to a CHUBBY KID with floaties bobbing
          in the pool. The kid is staring at something:
                         
          Dean is asleep in a chaise lounge chair in his underpants.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim approaches the Junior Suite just as Ronald exits. Tim
          self-consciously tightens the towel.
           81.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           I'm really, really sorry Ronald. If
           I said anything, or...
                         
                          RONALD
           Hey, it's not Ronald Wilkes's job
           to judge you, Tim. End of the day,
           the Lord's got that covered. But am
           I disappointed? You bet I am. Heck,
           I'm all for having fun. But I
           didn't think you were one of these
           guys who comes down here only to
           get loaded and act like a derelict.
                         
                          TIM
           No, I'm not. I...
                         
           DEAN (O.S.)
           Timbo! Ronimal!
                         
          Dean, still in his underpants, approaches.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           You should have stuck around last
           night, Ronimal. Watching Timbo and
           the O-Fox get it on in the pool--
           shit, I was harder than Chinese
           arithmetic.
                         
                          RONALD
           What a couple of class acts. I'm
           running late for the prayer
           breakfast. Oh and Tim, Bill
           Krogstad's been trying to reach you
           all morning. FYI.
                         
          Ronald walks off. Tim deflates.
                         
                         
          INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY
                         
          Bill Krogstad paces in a church, talking on his phone.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Tim, Bill Krogstad again. Orin
           Helgesson told me about your little
           hootenanny in the pool there. Clear
           violation of ASMI's Morals Code--
           meaning we lose our ASMI
           certification, we lose our Two
           Diamond rating, we lose our
           customers and I lose any chance of
           ANYONE buying my goddamn business.
                          (MORE)
           82.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           I may as well just commit
           suicide...
                         
           PHOTOGRAPHER (O.S.)
           Father of the bride. We're set.
                         
          Reveal: An OBESE BRIDE, 25, and her greasy, mustached GROOM,
          40, pose for a PHOTOGRAPHER.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           (to Photographer, despondent)
           Yah. Be there in a...
                          (INTO PHONE)
           Call me when you get this Tim.
           Because unless you pull off a
           miracle, we're done. You've let me
           down hard. Cripes... shaping up to
           be the worst day of my life.
                         
          Krogstad hangs up. He walks over to his large, beaming
          daughter. He puts on a fake smile as she gives him a hug.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           You look real beautiful, Kayla.
           Like a flower.
                         
          The photographer snaps a photo. Krogstad chokes back tears.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE BATHROOM - DAY
                         
          Tim stares at his cell phone. He looks in the mirror.
                         
                          TIM
           Goddarnit!
                         
          He picks up a hairbrush and tries to break it. But it won't
          break. Dean enters.
                         
                          DEAN
           That time of the month?
           (off Tim's look)
           C'mon man, it's gonna be OK.
                         
                          TIM
           No it's not. Nothing is OK. My job,
           my fianc�...
           (dawns on him)
           God, I'm a philanderer. I've let
           Bill down. I've let everybody down.
                         
                          DEAN
           C'mere, kiddo. Sit. Sit down.
           83.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Dean leads Tim out of the bathroom. Tim sits on a desk chair.
          Dean sits on the edge of the desk. He looks fatherly.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           My ex, Patti? Well-established fact
           that this broad is a serious
           fucking cuntstain, right? But like
           I say, she's made it pretty much so
           the kids hate my guts-- I'm the bad
           guy. `Cept when our 17-year-old
           daughter comes home PREGNANT-- oh
           yeah, happy day in the Ziegler
           household, lemme tell ya-- who's
           the one so depressed that she can't
           get out from under the afghan on
           the goddamn couch? Patti. And who's
           the one planning the baby showers
           and taking Meg to the gyno, all
           that shit? The fucking Deanzie.
           That's who.
                         
          Tim stares at Dean for an incredulous moment.
                         
                          TIM
           Is this...? Why is this all of a
           sudden about you, Dean?
                         
                          DEAN
           I'm telling you this, buddy, because
           it shows to go ya-- even if you're a
           fucking waste of space jerk-off like
           myself, there's always opportunities
           to do the right thing. If this Two
           Diamond bullshit and that matters so
           much, you'll find a way to make it
           right. If not, fuck it. Life's way
           too short to lose sleep over shit
           that don't matter.
                         
          Tim slowly nods, surprised to find himself moved.
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - LATER THAT DAY
                         
          Orin enthusiastically introduces a WOMAN in a smart pantsuit.
                         
                          ORIN
           Without any more ado, our keynote
           speaker, Iowa Insurance
           Commissioner, Mrs. Susan Voss!
                         
          The room goes nuts. As Orin leaves the stage he spots Tim
          waiting in the wings. Tim gestures for Orin to come outside.
           84.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Orin, stone-faced, approaches Tim.
                         
                          TIM
           President Helgesson, please let me
           stay in the Two Diamond contest.
           Please. This isn't for me-- it's
           for Bill Krogstad. I can't let him
           down. Please just let me compete.
                         
          A moment. Orin nods, almost imperceptibly.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim and Orin silently ride the elevator to the fourth floor.
                         
                         
          INT. THE TIFFANY SUITE - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Orin opens the door to the Tiffany Suite, a slightly larger
          version of the Junior Suite. He ushers Tim inside.
                         
                          ORIN
           (self-deprecating, but proud)
           Tiffany Suite. Bit much. Perks of the
           Presidency, guess you'd say. Please.
           Have a seat on the davenport.
                         
          Tim sits. Orin goes to the mini-fridge, takes out a Sprite.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           Drink?
                         
                          TIM
           Ah, no. Thanks.
                         
                          ORIN
           Suit yourself.
                         
          Orin opens the Sprite, drinks. He reaches into a briefcase.
          He hands Tim a document with dozens of signatures on it.
                         
                          TIM
           This is the petition?
                         
          Tim shakes his head as he reads the names.
                         
                          ORIN
           Between you and me-- this was a
           ploy by Mike Pyle. Trying to drive
           down the value of Northlands so he
           could get it on the cheap.
           85.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Just as Deanzie predicted. Orin snatches back the petition.
          He rips it in two.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           I just made that happen. Poof.
           Gone. Rainmaker.
           (makes rain gesture)
           Northlands keeps its three previous
           Two Diamond Awards.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh my gosh, really? Thank you.
                         
          Orin sits next to Tim on the couch, closer than he needs to.
                         
                          ORIN
           One thing Roger Lemke knew, Tim? He
           knew that when you get all dolled
           up, go to the prom-- the Big Dance--
           that you gotta be prepared to put
           out. To show a little teat.
           (off Tim's confused look)
           You ever hear of PayPal, Tim?
                         
                          TIM
           PayPal? Um, yeah. I've used it to
           pay for Beanie Babies on E-Bay...
                          (GUILTY)
           For my fianc�.
                         
                          ORIN
           Good. Thing you gotta ask yourself
           now is this: "Am I ready to dance?
           Am I ready to show a little TEAT?"
                         
                          TIM
           I don't understand what you mean...
                         
                          ORIN
           Calm down, Orin. I'm sorry. Please,
           let's talk E-Commerce for a minute.
                         
          Tim hesitantly follows Orin to the desk. A laptop sits open.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           Four years ago, the brain trust at
           ASMI National mandated we go "on-
           line" for everything. Billing,
           newsletter, the whole shebang. Now
           I'm almost 70-years-old-- I's about
           as likely to figure this deal out
           as I was to learn Chinese. Well, as
           you know Roger Lemke was a real
           whiz on the computer...
           86.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           You bet.
                         
                          ORIN
           So Roger's up here looking over
           this new system, and he gets one of
           these lightbulb-going-off kinda
           looks, the way he did. And he says,
           "Orin, with that newsletter going
           digital you're saving almost four
           grand a year in printing costs
           alone. Four grand. Pure profit."
           You see where this is going, Tim?
                         
                          TIM
           I can't say that I do...
                         
                          ORIN
           PayPal. That's where. What has ASMI
           ever given Orin Helgesson? Huh? Not
           dime one. Sure as shoot not an
           opportunity to serve on the
           National Board. Have I not been a
           good President? Do I not deserve a
           little something?
                         
                          TIM
           You're an awesome President...
                         
                          ORIN
           You're GODDAMN right I am!
                         
          Orin pounds his fist on the desk. Tim swallows hard.
                         
                          ORIN (CONT'D)
           But I don't know the first blessed
           thing about this PayPal deal. Roger
           had the on-line know-how, not me.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm still not reading you here...
                         
                          ORIN
           There aren't printing costs anymore,
           see? The ASMI-teer's digital. E-
           Commerce! Don't you get it, Tim? All
           that money-- almost 39-hundred
           dollars a year-- that goes into a
           PayPal account now. My PayPal
           account. But I've got no idea how to
           use it.
           87.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           Do you literally mean you just need
           help, like, getting on-line, or...?
                         
                          ORIN
           Your performance in that scavenger
           hunt was first-rate. Then I see you
           in the pool making love to that
           floozy, I realize maybe you've got
           a bit of Lemke's, shall we say,
           moral ambiguity. I need that.
                         
                          TIM
           You're talking about stealing.
                         
                          ORIN
           Pontoon boats don't pay for
           themselves, Tim. Roger Lemke came to
           the prom. He showed me a little
           teat. I rewarded him with the Two
           Diamonds three years running. I'm
           prepared to do the same for you.
           What do you say? You take home those
           those Two Diamonds, Northlands'
           value skyrockets, Bill Krogstad
           retires to his time share. Everybody
           wins...
                         
          We push in on Tim-- at the crossroads of all crossroads.
          Outside, a clap of thunder booms ominously.
                         
                          TIM
           I'd be doing it for Northlands-- to
           keep it in Brown Valley and help my
           co-workers. To help Bill...
                         
          Tim looks away, avoiding eye contact. Then:
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           What would you need me to do
           exactly...?
                         
          Orin claps once, smiles like a proud grandparent.
                         
                          ORIN
           OK, marvelous!
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE HORIZONS) - LATER
                         
          Dean has dozens of Hello My Name Is stickers with "Deanzie
          For President!" written on them. He forces one on a WOMAN.
           88.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          DEAN
           Vote for Deanzie. Vote for change.
                         
                          WOMAN
           I'm good thanks.
                         
                          DEAN
           Well fuck you very much, Carla.
                         
          The woman shakes her head and walks away. Ronald approaches.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           I can count on your vote tomorrow,
           right Ronimal?
                         
                          RONALD
           Not a snowball's chance in Hades.
                         
                          DEAN
           You're all a bunch of dicks.
                         
                          RONALD
           (spots Tim O.S.)
           Hey there, Hangover Harry. 18 hours
           and counting. Got your guns loaded
           for the Two Diamonds, partner?
                         
          Tim's guilt is apparent in his awkward demeanor.
                         
                          TIM
           Um. I... I don't know about that.
                         
                          RONALD
           Don't be nervous. You'll do fine.
           There's a prayer circle tonight
           before the entertainment program--
           might help ease your mind.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm sorry about... Ronald. Just...
           about everything...
                         
          Tim abruptly walks away. Dean and Ronald look at each other,
          perplexed, as Tim exits the hotel into the pouring rain.
                         
                         
          EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS STREET - EVENING (MOMENTS LATER)
                         
          A cold, hard rain falls as Tim walks from the Holidome toward
          an Applebee's across the busy street.
           89.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. APPLEBEE'S - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim enters and walks to the bar. He's soaking wet and looks
          despondent. A cheery female bartender, KAY, 40, greets him.
                         
                          KAY
           Happy Saturday! What'cha drinkin'?
                         
                          TIM
           A large cream sherry, please.
                         
          As she pours a healthy glass of sherry:
                         
                          KAY
           Looks like you could use some
           cheering up. What do you call it
           when it rains chickens and ducks?
                          (PAUSE)
           Fowl weather.
                         
                          TIM
                          (DISTRACTED)
           That's pretty hilarious.
                         
          Tim slams the sherry in one gulp-- to Kay's dismay.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Another please. I have to use the
           little boy's room.
                         
          Kay watches as Tim heads for the bathroom. He leaves his cell
          phone on the bar.
                         
                         
          INT. APPLEBEE'S BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Tim pees at the urinal. He zips up, goes to wash his hands.
          In the mirror, he's shocked to see: A squinty, drugged out
          MAN, 25, exit the stall, followed by... Bree.
                         
          A moment of recognition.
                         
                          TIM
           Bree?
           (off her confused look)
           It's Tim Lippe. From the ASMI
           convention. We met out in front of
           the Holidome across the street?
                         
          Bree coughs a hacking, phlegmy cough. She's very out of it.
           90.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           That's what you get from smoking
           all those-- what'd you call `em,
           heaters? Smoker's cough. Ha. Just
           kidding. Butterscotch?
                         
          He removes a few hard candies from his pocket. She takes one.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Small world, huh?
                         
                          BREE
           Totally. You wanna party?
                         
                          TIM
           Ooh, that's really awesome of you
           to ask. But I have a super
           important presentation in the
           morning unfortunately, so...
                         
          The squinty-eyed man, GARY, who has been drinking out of the
          sink, looks up at Tim.
                         
                          GARY
           I gotta work in the morning, too.
           Can't be productive or whatever
           without occasionally taking a little
           ride on the good times express. It's
           like, fuck that shit, yo.
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. I hear that. L & C. Loud
           and... clear.
                         
                          BREE
           Seriously. We're going to this
           thing at my Uncle Ken's later--
           after his shift's done.
                         
          Bree examines Tim, standing stiffly, hands in his pockets.
                         
                          BREE (CONT'D)
           You look like you're in serious
           need of some relaxation, dude.
                         
          Bree nonchalantly pinches his nose. Tim looks oddly touched.
                         
                          TIM
           I have had a pretty messed up day
           actually. Might not hurt to forget
           about it for a little while.
           91.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY - NIGHT
                         
          Mike Pyle, in a bold chartreuse sweater vest, quietly confers
          with Orin outside a conference room.
                         
                          ORIN
           My advice, Mike? Pull the trigger.
           I've pretty well convinced him that
           his company's in the crapper. 85-
           thousand is as low as I could
           possibly get him.
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
           He's said nothing to indicate I'd
           have to hang onto his employees or
           the office up there, right?
                         
                          ORIN
           Bill was real clear about that.
           You're buying his clients-- not his
           brand. You've done this before,
           Mike. The Northlands policies will
           simply roll over into your Allstate
           office in Milwaukee. Unless you
           want to keep a satellite branch up
           there in North Palookaville.
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
                          (CHUCKLES)
           OK. Let's pull the trigger.
                         
                          ORIN
           Oh, and Mike-- we're square on my
           consultant's fee?
                         
                          MIKE PYLE
           Ten percent, as agreed.
                         
                          ORIN
           Marvelous. Now just give me a
           second here...
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Orin enters the conference room alone. He un-mutes a
          speakerphone. The Chicken Dance Polka blares from the other
          end.
                         
                          ORIN
           We're all systems go over here,
           Bill.
           92.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Praise Christ! This is super, Orin!
                         
                          ORIN
           I was able to get Pyle up to 81-
           thousand for you, Bill, which is
           pretty amazing given all the... the
           tribulations and that. Of course
           that number doesn't include my 15
           percent consultant's fee.
                         
                         
          INT. VFW RECEPTION HALL - CONTINUOUS
                         
          WEDDING GUESTS do the chicken dance. Krogstad strains to be
          heard over the music.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Y'know what Orin, it's only a seven
           hour drive to Cedar Rapids. If I
           leave right now, I can be there
           first thing in the A-M and we can
           lock this sonofagun down.
                         
           ORIN (O.S. ON PHONE)
           I wouldn't want to put you out,
           Bill, but it would be nice to put
           pen to paper on a contract sooner
           than later.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Hell yes. You bet. It's no problem.
           I'll be there in time to see the
           Two Diamond presentations-- not
           that that matters to me anymore!
           Thanks a million, Orin!
                         
          Krogstad clicks off his phone, pumps his fist, overjoyed. He
          approaches his wife.
                         
           BILL KROGSTAD (CONT'D)
           Dione, the deal's going through! 81-
           grand! We're getting this albatross
           off our backs after all. I'm going
           to Cedar Rapids.
                         
                          DIONE KROGSTAD
           No, Bill...
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Goddamnit, Dione, not now. This is
           happening. No flex on this one!
           93.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Krogstad hustles out of the reception hall. The fleshy bride
          and her oily groom watch him go.
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - NIGHT
                         
          On stage, a JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR does a lame routine.
                         
           JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
           ... You can't handle the truth!
                         
          Laughter. Joan and Ronald are in the back of the room.
                         
                          JOAN
           We used to get bands, Ronald. Real
           bands. Kansas. REO Speedwagon...
           Remember REO let me get on stage
           and play tambourine?
                         
                          RONALD
           I'll go ahead and admit, this is an
           odd choice for an ASMI headliner.
           Budget crunch, I guess.
                         
           JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
           Danny isn't here Mrs. Torrance!
                         
          Dean urgently approaches Joan and Ronald.
                         
                          DEAN
           Are you ready for this? Mike Pyle of
           Shit just bought Northlands. Word is
           the cocksucker's liquidating Timbo
           and the whole Brown Valley
           operation.
                         
                          RONALD
           What? Holy smokes. Does Tim know?
                         
                          JOAN
           Don't look at me. I don't think Tim
           likes me very much anymore.
                         
                          DEAN
           Cry me a fucking river, honey. This
           isn't about you for once.
                         
                          JOAN
           Fuck off, Dean. Jackass.
                         
                          RONALD
           Hey. Come on you guys. Cut it out.
                         
          The crowd guffaws as faux Jack does his thing.
           94.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
           JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR
           I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm
           just going to bash your brains in.
                         
          A pall overtakes the room-- this used to be fun. Now it's
          just kind of sad.
                         
                          DEAN
           You two are a couple of serious
           fucking downers, man. Timbo left
           here in a huff a few hours ago--
           you saw him Ronimal. Maybe he
           already knew. Shit, the kid's one
           of my best friends...
                         
                          RONALD
           You met him two days ago, Ziegler.
                         
                          DEAN
           Know what, blow me Ronald. It's not
           my fault you're too goddamn afraid
           to open up and tell another man you
           love him. Do what you want, but the
           Deanzie's gonna make sure his
           friend is doing OK.
                         
                         
          INT. UNCLE KEN'S PICK-UP TRUCK - NIGHT
                         
          Boston's MORE THAN A FEELING blares on the radio of a pick-up
          truck. Tim politely rocks out, sandwiched between Bree and
          Gary in the front seat. A violent-looking, wire-thin man in
          an Applebee's uniform, UNCLE KEN, 40, drives. After a bit:
                         
                          TIM
           That must be pretty all right, Ken,
           getting half off at Applebee's all
           the time. I'd only weigh like 10-
           thousand pounds...
                         
                          UNCLE KEN
           Pass me that cube, Skeet.
                         
          Gary opens the glove box, passes Ken a glass pipe. Ken lights
          up, takes a hit, passes it to Bree. Bree follows suit, then
          passes the pipe to Tim. Tim looks at it, pauses.
                         
                          TIM
           Ah...? This would be marijuana, I'm
           guessing?
                         
          A beat. Then they all laugh like crazy. So Tim laughs, too.
          Bree puts the pipe in Tim's mouth. He looks frightened.
           95.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          BREE
           Suck the glass dick, dude.
                         
          They laugh. Bree lights the pipe. Tim inhales and instantly:
          oh fuck, Oh Fuck, OH FUCK! Tim's eyes bulge, his teeth grind.
          Then he shakes his head like a wet dog and violently COUGHS.
                         
                          TIM
           Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez.
                         
                          BREE
           A butterscotch might help.
                         
                         
          INT. HOLIDOME HALLWAY (OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM) - NIGHT
                         
          Dean has his phone to his ear. Ronald and Joan watch.
                         
           WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Hello.
                         
                          DEAN
           Trying to reach Tim Lippe. Who am I
           talking to?
                         
           WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S. ON PHONE)
           This is Kay over at the Applebee's.
           Your friend left his phone here.
                         
                          DEAN
           That right? Is he there now?
                         
           KAY (O.S. ON PHONE)
           No he's not. Be honest, I was kinda
           worried about the little guy...
                         
                         
          INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
                         
          A series of shots as Tim-- sweaty, high and extremely hyper--
          dances with Bree to the deafening death metal. The party is a
          volatile mix of BIKER TYPES and SPEED FREAKS. Even though his
          salmon-colored oxford shirt has come untucked from his casual
          slacks, Tim still looks a tad out of place.
                         
          The following conversation is shouted because of the music.
                         
                          TIM
           I FEEL AMAZING! THIS IS AWESOME!
                         
                          BREE
           HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE ON YOU?
           96.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           AH, CASH-WISE? ABOUT 90 DOLLARS, I
           THINK. I'VE GOT A TON OF TRAVELER'S
           CHECKS, THOUGH. WHY?
                         
                          BREE
           I'LL GET US SOME MORE CRYPTO. THEN
           YOU CAN FUCK ME IF YOU WANT.
                         
                          TIM
           (not sure he heard right)
           DO WHAT NOW?
                         
                          BREE
           JUST GIMME A HUNDRED.
                         
          Tim pauses. Then-- what the heck. He unzips his money belt...
                         
                         
          INT. APPLEBEE'S - NIGHT
                         
          Dean, Ronald and Joan look worried as they listen to Kay, the
          friendly Applebee's bartender.
                         
                          KAY
           Like I say, he was pretty ripped
           from all that sherry. He left with
           Ken and them for some party.
                         
                          DEAN
           Who's Ken?
                         
                          KAY
                          (CONSPIRATORIAL)
           Ken's our cook. We all think he
           deals dope, though. I get along
           good with everyone. But Ken? He's
           just real different.
                         
                          RONALD
           Oh jeez. D'you know where they were
           going? Any idea?
                         
                          KAY
           You could try Ken's place. It's way
           out in the boonies...
                         
                         
          INT. FARMHOUSE BATHROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Bree snorts a line in a disgusting, fetid bathroom. Tim sits
          on the counter. He's jacked up, sweaty and very chatty.
           97.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          TIM
           My mom became real protective of me
           after my dad passed. She didn't
           really let me play sports or any of
           that. Fact, if I think about it, I
           never really did much of anything.
           Except gardening, which I do enjoy.
                         
                          BREE
           Well you're livin' now. Here.
                         
          She offers Tim a line. He declines.
                         
                          BREE (CONT'D)
           I bought some pills, too. Here.
           These'll make you feel better.
                         
          She gives him a couple pills. He pops them without thinking.
                         
                          TIM
           Thanks. It's funny, though, because
           my job is all about protecting
           other people's dreams. But what
           about my dreams?
                         
                          BREE
           It could be like-- maybe...
           (does another line)
           Whoa, shit's tight... Like maybe it
           has to do with your parents both
           dying? Like, maybe by protecting
           other people-- it's like you're
           trying to save your parents. Like
           somehow you feel like it's your
           fault? Like in your sub-conscience?
                         
          Something struck a nerve with Tim. He chokes up.
                         
                          BREE (CONT'D)
           And so you're not really like,
           living your own life fully? But
           dude, let me tell you this: the
           only real insurance in this life--
           is love.
                         
          That did it. Now Tim is weeping. Bree notices.
                         
                          BREE (CONT'D)
           Oh baby, c'mere. C'mere.
                          (HUGS TIM)
           You can fuck my ass if you want.
           98.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Before Tim can respond to that, the door bursts open. It's
          Uncle Ken, and he is NOT happy. Uh-oh.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. BILL KROGSTAD'S LESABRE - NIGHT
                         
          Krogstad chugs coffee as he drives through the night.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Orin and Mike Pyle laugh as they raise a glass for a toast.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
                         
          Dean's minivan pulls into the gravel driveway of the
          dilapidated, isolated farmhouse. We can tell it's the party
          house by the music blasting and the DEGENERATES on the porch.
                         
          Dean and Joan climb out of the minivan. The rain is falling
          harder. Ronald slides open the back door and climbs out. He
          has on a long black rain coat. He nearly slips on some ice.
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh man. This place is bad news.
                         
                         
          INT. FARMHOUSE BATHROOM/HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Uncle Ken grabs Tim and shoves him out into the hall. Tim
          trips over a WASTED TEEN GIRL and stumbles against the wall.
                         
           WASTED TEEN GIRL
           Faggot. Watch out.
                         
          Bree looks legitimately worried for Tim.
                         
                         
          EXT. FARMHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Dean, Joan and Ronald formulate a plan.
                         
                          DEAN
           I'll be standing by `case things
           get squirrelly in there. Getaway
           vehicle type scenario.
           99.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          JOAN
           So you're sending me into that
           shithole? How chivalrous, Dean.
                         
                          RONALD
           You and me can go in, Joan. It'll
           be fine, I'm sure...
                         
                         
          INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Uncle Ken drags Tim into a kitchen full of PARTYGOERS gathered
          around a keg of Natural Ice. He shoves Tim face first against
          the wall. Tim takes this opportunity to notice the peeling
          wallpaper, which surprisingly has the same floral pattern as
          his own kitchen wallpaper.
                         
                         
          EXT. FARMHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Ronald and Joan approach the front door. Judging from the
          looks on the faces of the DUDES on the porch, black folks are
          not a common sight at this residence. Gary, the squinty-eyed
          guy Tim met in the bathroom with Bree, ogles Joan.
                         
                          GARY
           Nice tits.
                         
                          JOAN
           (not missing a beat)
           Thanks. Thank you. That's nice.
                         
                          RONALD
           We don't want any trouble, guys.
           We're just looking for our friend.
                         
          The dudes let Joan and Ronald pass into the house.
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. DEAN'S MINIVAN - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Dean sits silently in the driver's seat. The quiet gets to
          him. He starts humming, then mumble-sings to himself and
          drums the steering wheel.
                         
                          DEAN
           Mm-mow-mow... Two tickets to
           paradise. Hmm-hmm, pack your bags
           we'll leave tonight...
           100.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. FARMHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Joan and Ronald make their way through the house, clocking
          the aggressively angry looks as they go. Joan sees something:
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh shit.
                         
          IN THE KITCHEN: Uncle Ken is choking Tim. The PARTYGOERS
          cheer. Uncle Ken punches Tim in the stomach. Tim falls to the
          filthy linoleum. Bree protests.
                         
                          BREE
           But he paid for it, Uncle Ken...
                         
                          UNCLE KEN
           You can't let some dude pay for
           crystal meth and an ass fuck with a
           traveler's check, Bree. That shit
           can be traced.
                         
                          TIM
                          (WHEEZING)
           It's fully insured. 100 percent.
                          (THEN)
           And we didn't make love...
                         
                          UNCLE KEN
           Shut the fuck up.
                         
          He kicks Tim hard. It's looking bad, when all of a sudden:
                         
           RONALD (O.S.)
           Hey! HEY!
                         
          They all turn to see Ronald. In the black trench coat, he
          actually looks BAD ASS. He has one hand in the coat pocket.
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           (hard-core gangsta speak)
           I may look like some suit wearin'
           businessman to y'all. Truth is, I'm
           straight up gangsta. And I always
           keeps one in the chamber...
           (indicates the bulge in his pocket)
           ... in case you ponderin'. So I
           suggest for the time being that you
           let my nigga be. Muthafucka.
                         
          Uncle Ken blinks a few times. Then he lets Tim get up.
                         
                          RONALD (CONT'D)
           Indeed.
           101.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Ronald takes Tim's arm. Joan joins them. The three of them
          walk backwards toward the door.
                         
                         
          EXT. FARMHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Dean is outside the minivan, taking a leak on a tree. He
          looks toward the house.
                         
                          DEAN
           Oh fuck!
                         
          Ronald, Tim and Joan exit the house.
                         
                          RONALD
           Run!
                         
          They run for Dean's minivan. Tim slips, sliding across the
          snow and mud. Ronald drags him halfway across the lawn before
          Tim finally gets to his feet.
                         
          Dean, meanwhile, tries to finish peeing as he makes his way
          back to the van-- doing a sort of crab walk to avoid pissing
          on himself. Tim, Ronald and Joan dive into the minivan. Dean
          climbs back into the driver's seat.
                         
          Bree and gang exit the house and watch as Dean peels out,
          tossing up bits of gravel as he speeds away.
                         
                         
          INT. DEAN'S MINIVAN - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Dean looks nervously in the rearview mirror-- all clear.
          Ronald tries to calm Tim down in the backseat.
                         
                          DEAN
           What the fuck happened?
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh my God, Tim. Are you OK?
                         
                          TIM
                          (JITTERY)
           I don't know. I don't know. All I
           know is I was getting kicked and
           then Ronald was there talking like
           a ghetto person...
                         
          Dean looks at Joan and Ronald-- What?
           102.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           In order to extricate Tim from what
           was clearly a volatile situation, I
           did, in fact, rely on my community
           theater training. I don't like to
           brag, but I do a pretty convincing
           Omar from the HBO program, The Wire.
           (beat, as a gangsta)
           Least them crackers back yonder
           seemed to buy it.
                         
                          DEAN
           The Ronimal!
                         
          The minivan speeds through the dark, rainy night.
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Tim sits on the couch bouncing his legs, still messed up.
          Joan sits with him. Dean and Ronald watch, worried.
                         
                          TIM
           I can't believe Bill would do this
           to me. He was like a father...
                         
                          DEAN
           Wasn't just Krogstad, Timbo. Orin's
           the real devil in this deal.
                         
          Joan shoots Dean a look-- shut the fuck up.
                         
                          JOAN
           You'll find another job, Lippe.
           Maybe even move to a new town.
                         
                          RONALD
           Shoot, you could come work for me
           if you wanted.
                         
          For some reason, Tim finds this funny. He laughs hysterically.
                         
                          TIM
           I love you, Joan.
                         
                          JOAN
           (to Dean & Ronald)
           Get some sleep you guys. I'll stay
           up with him-- make sure he doesn't
           chew his arm off.
                         
          Ronald sighs, nods. Dean kisses Tim's sweaty forehead.
           103.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          DEAN
           Sleep good, little friend.
                         
          Dean and Ronald head for the bedroom. Tim looks at Joan.
                         
                          TIM
           I didn't make love to Bree, Joan.
                         
                          JOAN
           It doesn't matter. Here, lie down,
           Lippe.
                         
          Tim rests his head on Joan's lap. His eyes are still on fire.
                         
                          JOAN (CONT'D)
                          (SINGS QUIETLY)
           Oh dear, what can the matter be
           Johnny's so long at the fair. He
           promised to bring me a pocket of
           posies...
                         
          Tim shuts his eyes. Joan must be a good mom.
                         
          A KNOCKING sound fades in, providing a:
                         
           SOUND BRIDGE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. THE TIFFANY SUITE - LATER THAT NIGHT
                         
          Orin stirs in his king-size bed. The knocking is at his door.
          He gets out of bed, puts on a robe and goes to the door. He
          peeks through the eyehole.
                         
                          ORIN
           Oh, Tim. Just a sec.
                         
          Orin glances in the mirror, smooths his hair. He undoes the
          chain and opens the door...
                         
          Tim bursts in and attacks! Orin, being relatively frail,
          immediately tumbles to the carpet. This can't be good.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. BILL KROGSTAD'S LESABRE (DRIVING) - NIGHT
                         
          Krogstad yawns but drives with determination as his car
          passes a sign that reads CEDAR RAPIDS - 100 MILES.
           104.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. JUNIOR SUITE - EARLY MORNING
                         
          Dean and Ronald sleep soundly in their beds. We drift off of
          them to the couch, where Joan has fallen asleep. She wakes,
          realizes that Tim is no longer there.
                         
                          JOAN
           Oh shit...
                         
                         
          INT./EXT. TIM'S RENTAL CAR (DRIVING) - EARLY MORNING
                         
          The first hints of daylight illuminate the eastern sky. Kenny
          Loggins' WHENEVER I CALL YOU FRIEND plays on the radio. Tim,
          still hopped up, drives. He enthusiastically sings along.
                         
                          TIM
           Sweet love showin' us a heavenly
           light. I never seen such a
           beautiful sight! See love glowin'
           on us every night, I know forever
           we'll be doin' it right!
                         
          Tim drives past a farm and sees dozens of hogs foraging
          around in a sloppy pen. He stomps the brakes, sliding
          dangerously onto the muddy shoulder.
                         
                         
          EXT. RURAL ROADSIDE/HOG FARM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim gets out of the car. The peppy song is still playing. Tim
          sings along as he dances to the back of the car.
                         
                          TIM
           I always wanna call you "friend!"
           Sweet love showin' us a heavenly...
                         
          Tim opens up the trunk. That's when we see:
                         
          INSIDE THE TRUNK: Orin, in his pajamas, bound and gagged by
          Holiday Inn bedsheets. His shouts are muffled by the gag.
                         
          Tim pulls Orin from the trunk. Orin's feet are tied together,
          so he has to hop as Tim leads him toward the hog farm.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Careful. It's super slippery.
                         
          Orin falls face first into the muddy ditch.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Whoop. Careful now.
           105.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Tim helps Orin to his feet. Several enormous HOGS rush toward
          them on the other side of a barbed wire fence.
                         
                          ORIN
           (terrified, through gag)
           Nmmmmmmmmm!
                         
                          TIM
           I did a ton of research on hog farm
           risk mitigation. Don't worry-- they
           might bite you a little if they
           think you're a food source. But
           there's never been a recorded hog-
           bite death. So...
                         
          With great difficulty, Tim picks up Orin. Then, he awkwardly
          hurls him over the barbed wire fence. Orin lands on his back
          in a deep pile of mud and hog shit. The hogs descend.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           The Two Diamonds may be meaningless
           to you and Bill. But there are
           people who care about this stuff.
           Ronald Wilkes. Even Dean. Honest,
           good people. I'll come back for you
           after the Two Diamonds have been
           handed out to a legitimate winner.
           I'm really sorry about this, Orin,
           but the insurance industry deserves
           better than you.
                         
          Tim goes to his car, leaving Orin wriggling with the hogs.
                         
                         
          INT. BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
                         
          A HUSBAND and WIFE sleep. Their phone rings. They stir. The
          clock says 6:45 AM. The woman rolls over.
                         
                          WIFE
           Who the heck's calling at this hour
           on a Sunday morning?
                         
          The man answers the phone. (NOTE: We should now recognize the
          couple as the clients Tim dealt with in the Northlands
          conference room.)
                         
                          HUSBAND
           Hello.
                         
           TIM (O.S. ON PHONE)
           Kurt Gambsky, Tim Lippe-- your
           insurance agent. How's Pam and the
           girls?
           106.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          HUSBAND
           (whispers to wife)
           Tim Lippe.
                          (TO TIM)
           Um, fine, Tim. We're fine.
           Everything OK by you?
                         
                         
          INT. TIM'S RENTAL CAR - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Tim talks on his cell as he drives.
                         
                          TIM
           Well, I think everything's OK. Hope
           it is anyway. Listen Kurt, here's
           why I'm calling...
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          INT. SUNSET TERRACE BALLROOM - LATER THAT MORNING
                         
          An eagle soars on a large video screen. A patriotic anthem
          plays. We boom down from the screen to find Ronald. He's on
          stage finishing up his Two Diamond presentation.
                         
                          RONALD
           People sometimes say that promises
           are cheap. You know what Ronald
           Wilkes says to that? N-S-F. Not so
           fast. At the end of the day, a
           man's word is a sacred creed. And
           the word I give you at Ronald
           Wilkes Insurance is-- I will work
           for you. Thank you.
                         
          The words, "Ronald Wilkes Insurance: Working For You" appear
          on screen. Ronald's face dissolves over the eagle.
                         
          The CROWD goes nuts, applauding wildly. Dean and Joan start a
          standing ovation. Ronald, though exhausted, beams on stage.
                         
          Tim is nowhere to be found. An EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER
          addresses the crowd.
                         
           EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER
           Once again folks, President
           Helgesson left a note under my door
           this morning saying he had to leave
           ASMI early due to a family
           emergency. I haven't been able to
           reach him on his mobile, but
           obviously our thoughts and prayers
           go out to Orin and his family.
                          (MORE)
           107.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
           EXECUTIVE COUNCIL MEMBER (CONT'D)
           (a moment of silence)
           Now... we're set to hear our final
           Two Diamond presenter. Tim Lip from
           Northlands Insurance. Tim?
                         
          Joan, Dean and Ronald exchange worried looks. Dean stands.
                         
                          DEAN
           Hey Travis, I don't think Tim...
                         
          Just then, Tim appears. He is filthy-- covered in mud, sweat,
          hog shit and tears. He futilely smooths his hair and tries to
          tuck in his shirt as he takes the stage to sparse applause.
                         
          Tim goes to the computer set up on stage for Power Point. He
          puts in his disc. His presentation appears on the screen.
                         
                          TIM
                          (SEVERELY COUGHS)
           Thank you. I'm Tim Lippe. Hog farm
           risk mitigation... What is...?
                         
          Tim knocks a folder off the podium. Papers fly everywhere.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
           (a few chuckles)
           So, Hog... No. I, ah... this girl I
           met, sorry woman, I guess. She's
           23. She takes drugs, and I think
           might be some kind of prostitute.
           (a collective gasp)
           But she's super insightful. Y'know
           what she said to me last night?
           Said the only real insurance is
           love. That's fricking INTENSE,
           isn't it...?
                         
          Awkward murmurs. At this moment, a very pleased Bill Krogstad
          walks in with Mike Pyle. Krogstad tenses, however, when he
          sees Tim's state.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I'm... ah... Our only true safety
           net. Love. Crazy. I believe in
           insurance. I believe in love...
                         
          Tim laughs. He looks up and sees Bill.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Bill! Bill Krogstad. My former
           boss, everybody.
           108.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
                          (JAW-CLENCHED SMILE)
           What're you doing, Lippe?
                         
                          TIM
           Why'd you do this, Bill? I don't
           understand.
                         
          Krogstad chuckles, preferring to avoid any public drama.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           Why'd you do it, Bill? Why'd you do
           it? Why'd you lie, Bill?
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           (to the audience)
           Sorry, folks. Guess it's against
           the law now for a business owner to
           sell his own business. Must've
           missed that constitutional
           amendment.
                         
          This draws chuckles from the crowd.
                         
                          TIM
           Insurance isn't just a business,
           Bill. Insurance is personal. I've
           got some savings. I could've gotten
           a loan. We could've worked
           something out.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           (still playing to the crowd)
           Yeah, there's a guy you want
           running an agency, isn't it?
                          (THEN)
           Come on, Tim, you're tired. You're
           looking foolish here. You couldn't
           run an agency if your life depended
           on it.
                         
          Tim's lip starts to quiver, and with great effort:
                         
                          TIM
           Screw you, Bill. Screw you... hard.
                          (GATHERS STRENGTH)
           That's a bunch of dog crap. You and
           Lemke, that... fucking pervert...
           you stole my ideas and called them
           your own for years. And I didn't
           say squat-- because I figured we
           were like a family. I may not have
           quite as many clients as Roger had.
           But my people are loyal, Bill.
                          (MORE)
           109.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           I care about them. And guess what,
           they care about me. Fact, I've
           called more than half of them
           already this morning...
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           Watch yourself, Lippe...
                         
                          TIM
           I knew which ones would be on their
           way to church, which ones I'd be
           waking up, which ones probably got
           a little blotto last night and
           might be hung over... And every
           single person I talked to-- every
           one-- is staying with me.
                         
                          BILL KROGSTAD
           You don't know what you're doing.
                         
                          TIM
           I do actually. I do know, Bill. And
           before the day is out, I'll have
           called all my clients. All of them.
           (to Mike Pyle)
           So hey, congratulations Pyle of
           Shit-- you just bought a company
           that's losing half its business.
                         
                          DEAN
           Fuck yeah Timbo!
                         
          Mike Pyle blinks several times. Krogstad seethes. Before Tim
          can fully bask in the glow of his triumph:
                         
           ORIN (O.S.)
           Right there, officer. That's him.
                         
          Orin, still in his pajamas and caked in hog shit, points TWO
          CEDAR RAPIDS COPS in Tim's direction. Tactful pandemonium
          ensues. Dean, Ronald and Joan rush to Tim's side.
                         
                          JOAN RONALD
          Jesus Lippe, what did you do? Aw jeez. This is no good.
                         
                          DEAN
           What's the fucking charge?
                         
                          TIM
           Here.
                         
          Before the cops get to him, Tim hands Dean a crumpled piece
          of paper.
           110.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          DEAN
           What's this?
                         
                          TIM
           You'll figure it out.
                         
          A cop cuffs Tim and leads him out of the ballroom.
                         
           FADE TO BLACK:
                         
                         
          INT. HOLDING CELL - DAY
                         
          Tim sits on a metal bench in a dank holding cell.
                         
                          TIM
           I know what you're thinking--
           thinking "this wiseacre's full of
           baloney." Am I right?
                         
          Reveal: He's chatting with a massive black man, REGINALD, 30.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           But I'm telling you Reginald,
           you're actually a perfect candidate
           for term life...
                         
          A GUARD opens the cell door.
                         
                          GUARD
           Tim Lip?
                         
                          REGINALD
           He pronounce it like Lippy.
                         
                          GUARD
           Well, you're outta here, Lippe.
                         
          Tim hands Reginald a business card.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm serious. Call any time-- on the
           mobile or home phone, though. The
           office number's no good anymore.
                         
          Reginald gives Tim a warm hug.
                         
                          REGINALD
           Thanks Tim. You're all right.
           111.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          EXT. CITY LOCK-UP - DAY
                         
          Tim walks out of the jail into the bright sunlight. Dean is
          there waiting for him. They walk toward Dean's minivan.
                         
                          TIM
           Don't even say it, Deanzie-- no one
           butt rammed me or whatever in
           there.
                         
                          DEAN
           "Butt ram!" I love it!
                         
          Dean gives Tim a hug. He then pulls a crumpled piece of paper
          from his pocket-- it's the sheet Tim gave him earlier.
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           Want your get out of jail free card
           back?
                         
                          TIM
           Not particularly.
                         
                          DEAN
           When I saw it, at first I was like,
           shit am I supposed to take money
           out of the account, or what?
                         
                          TIM
           Did you?
                         
                          DEAN
           Nah, it was more fun watching the
           smug fuck sweat. I told him I'd rat
           his pathetic ass out if he didn't
           drop the charges against you.
                         
                          TIM
           (a genuine smile)
           Sweet.
                         
          Dean tosses the paper into the trash. We now see what it says.
          On Holiday Inn stationary, in Tim's scrawl: www.paypal.com.
          Username: OrinHelgesson. Password: PontoonMan123.
                         
                         
          INT. DEAN'S MINIVAN - DAY
                         
          Dean drives. Ronald rides shotgun. Tim and Joan are in back.
          The minivan cruises past downtown Cedar Rapids. Tim looks up
          at the buildings. So tall.
                         
          Ronald considers his Two Diamond plaque.
           112.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          RONALD
           It's not as cool as I thought it'd
           be. I don't think this is even real
           wood.
                         
                          DEAN
           (lacking his usual energy)
           I'll show you some real wood.
                         
          Ronald starts giggling. It turns into a laugh. The laugh
          becomes infectious. Before long, Tim, Joan, Ronald and Dean
          are all laughing their asses off.
                         
                         
          EXT. CEDAR RAPIDS AIRPORT - EVENING
                         
          Dean, Ronald and Joan accompany Tim, now cleaned up, to the
          airport. Tim sets down his old American Tourister.
                         
                          TIM
           Well.
                         
                          JOAN
           Deep subject. D'aar. Get it?
           (punches his arm)
           I told you you were a hero, Lippe.
           Insurance Man saves the day!
                         
                          TIM
           Tss. Ruined it more like.
                         
                          JOAN
           True sign of a good day.
                         
                          DEAN
           Well, pal, it's been real.
                         
                          TIM
                          (CHOKES UP)
           I'm gonna miss you guys.
                         
                          RONALD
           Yeah. You bet.
                         
                          DEAN
           Listen, my cousin Bob-- guy made a
           truckload selling these little
           scented pine trees all the ragheads
           hang in their cabs? Fuckin' believe
           that? Anyhow, he's got a sweet
           cottage up on Lake of the Woods.
           Canada? I can use it whenever I
           want.
                          (MORE)
           113.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                          DEAN (CONT'D)
           I say we book it for June, before
           the mosquitoes go apeshit up there.
                         
                          RONALD
           More time in a tightly enclosed
           space with Ziegler. Gee, sign me up.
                         
                          TIM
           I think it sounds awesome.
                         
                          RONALD
           Actually, me too. The Ronimal could
           use a vacation.
                         
                          DEAN
           Done.
                         
          Dean picks Tim up in a bear hug, spins him around. Ronald
          gives Tim a more subdued hug. Then there's Joan.
                         
                          JOAN
           So. Keep in touch. E-mail, all that
           good stuff.
                         
                          TIM
           You bet. You bet. You too.
                         
                          JOAN
           If you're ever-- not that you would
           be-- ever in Oh-my-God, Nebraska...
                         
                          TIM
           Yeah. Mutual of Omaha's Wild
           Kingdom. I used to watch that.
           Would be cool some day to see.
                         
                          JOAN
           Yeah. Look me up.
                         
                          TIM
           So.
                         
          He puts out his hand. She laughs and hugs him instead. Tim
          closes his eyes. She feels so good. Smells so good.
                         
          Joan's eyes are wide open. She swallows hard. She will not
          cry. It's OK. Keep telling yourself everything will be OK...
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
           114.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          INT. PLANE - NIGHT
                         
          Tim looks out the window, watching the city lights of Cedar
          Rapids fade away. He catches his reflection in the window. He
          exhales. He smiles a little.
                         
          Tim relaxes in his seat. He looks at his seat mate, a
          pleasant-looking WOMAN in her mid-30s.
                         
                          TIM
           So, did you do anything fun in
           Cedar Rapids...?
                         
           FADE TO BLACK:
                         
          SUPERSCRIPT: One Day Later
                         
                         FADE IN:
                         
                         
          INT. OLD COUNTRY BUFFET - NIGHT
                         
          Tim loads a plate with macaroni, meatloaf, peas and mashed
          potatoes. Millie selects fish, potatoes, rice and corn.
                         
          They wordlessly walk from the buffet to a booth. They sit and
          start eating in silence. After a bit:
                         
                          TIM
           How's the walleye?
                         
                          MILLIE
           Decent. Not bad.
                         
                          TIM
           Meatloaf's on the dry side.
                         
                          MILLIE
           Mm.
                         
          Tim tries to smile at Millie. He is surprised to see that her
          eyes are filling with tears.
                         
                          TIM
           What's...?
                         
          Without saying a word, Millie struggles to pry the small
          diamond engagement ring from her sausage-like finger.
          Finally, she gets it off and hands it to Tim.
                         
          He thinks of protesting. Instead, he takes the ring and puts
          it in his pocket. Millie sniffles a bit, composes herself.
          Tim opens his mouth to say something. Before he can think of
          anything to say:
           115.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          Wade sits down with a ridiculously full plate of food.
                         
                          WADE
           Shit, where were they hidin' the
           meatloaf...?
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          EXT. TIM'S BACKYARD - DAY
                         
          Tim dumps birdseed in the feeder. Sunlight filters through
          the tree branches. The snow is starting to melt.
                         
           NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
           You're just gonna attract red
           squirrels with that junk, Tim.
                         
          Tim smiles at his old, gnarled neighbor, LESLIE, 80.
                         
                          TIM
           How ya doin' there, Leslie?
                         
                          LESLIE
           Ach, I'm too old to give a shit.
                         
          They take off their gloves to shake hands. Leslie won't let
          go of Tim's hand-- the way old men sometimes do.
                         
                          LESLIE (CONT'D)
           Bill Krogstad told me he's
           switching our policy to some fella
           down in Milwaukee. Allstate. Says I
           won't notice a bit of difference in
           coverage or nothin'.
                         
                          TIM
           No, you probably won't.
                         
                          LESLIE
           Mm. Anyhow, I told the cocksucker
           to go fuck himself. Says I'm going
           with Tim Lippe. A man I can trust.
                          (A WINK)
           It's a good thing you're doin'--
           keepin' work in Brown Valley.
                         
                          TIM
           I'm trying...
                         
          Leslie pats Tim on the shoulder. As he heads back inside:
           116.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
                          LESLIE
           Let me know when them red squirrels
           show up at your feeder. I'll borrow
           you my 22.
                         
          Tim chuckles. He goes back to his yard. He pauses. At his
          feeder: A robin. A sure sign of spring.
                         
          An uplifting song fades in, along with:
                         
           TIM (V.O.)
           The chances we take in life are
           called risks.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          A SERIES OF SHOTS --
                         
          - ON A LAKE: Tim is pulled behind a boat on waterskis. He
          falls face first, skipping across the lake.
                         
           TIM (V.O.)
           We pay insurance companies premiums
           as a way of hedging our bets, in
           case those risks we take cause us
           or our property harm.
                         
          - AT A BALL DIAMOND: Tim, playing in a summer softball
          league, slides headfirst into third base.
                         
           TIM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           That's the point of insurance-- so
           we can live and love life to the
           fullest.
                         
          - AT A STRIP MALL: A COUPLE walks past a discount shoe store
          and into TIM LIPPE INSURANCE. The camera follows them into
          the cramped, decidedly unimpressive office. Tim, seated at a
          desk, looks directly at the camera and stiffly addresses it.
                         
                          TIM (CONT'D)
           At Tim Lippe Insurance, we can't
           guarantee that you'll live your
           life without devastating losses.
           But we can give you peace of mind--
           knowing that if something awful or
           unfortunate does happen-- we'll
           have you covered. Tim Lippe
           Insurance. Insuring your Home and
           your Hopes.
           117.
           Cedar Rapids, 6-12-09
                         
                         
                         
          A fanciful unicorn prances across the screen, and we:
                         
           MATCH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          INT. CANADIAN CABIN - DAY
                         
          REVEAL: Tim, Dean and Ronald have been watching Tim's ad on a
          TV at a lakeside cabin. Tim looks proudly at his friends.
                         
                          RONALD
           Can I be honest here, Tim?
                         
                          TIM
           You bet.
                         
                          DEAN
           What was with the fuckin' unicorn?
                         
                          TIM
           What? It represented hope...
                         
                          RONALD
           All's I'm saying is you might've
           wanted to hire an actor with some
           professional training...
                         
                          DEAN
           Jesus-- a retarded kid just sitting
           there yelling would've been better
           than you.
                         
                          TIM
           Aw, you're both a couple of a-
           holes...
                         
          Tim whips an empty beer can at Dean. The three friends laugh--
          living life in the moment. As it should be.
                         
                          FADE OUT:
                         
                         
                          THE END