Death At A Funeral Movie Script
DEATH AT A FUNERAL Written by Chris Rock & Aeysha Carr Based on "Death at a Funeral" by Dean Craig 02/6/09 FADE IN: MUSIC CUE: "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" by Bobby McFerrin plays as we BEGIN CREDITS INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We pan across a room filled with caskets. EXT. CHURCH - DAY People somberly walk into a church. EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY We see the signs outside of various funeral homes. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We close in on a HEADSTONE that reads: "DEATH AT A FUNERAL". EXT. CHURCH - DAY ASIAN PALL BEARERS carry a coffin into a church. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY We push in on another headstone that reads: "Starring Chris Rock". As we push through the cemetery, we see various co- stars' names chiseled on headstones. We see a fleet of hearses driving through a cemetery. INT. FLORIST - DAY We see a FLORIST making a funeral arrangement. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY CLOSE UP of another headstone that has the director's name chiseled on it. END CREDITS INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MUSIC CUE: The music fades out. TIGHT SHOT on AARON (CHRIS ROCK) thirties, dressed in a black suit and tie. He looks straight ahead with a somber expression. The camera pulls back to reveal he is watching FOUR UNDERTAKERS (INCLUDING BRIAN) place a coffin on a raised platform. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: The living room has been prepared for the funeral service, with several rows of chairs laid out. BRIAN Would you like to see... Aaron nods his head "yes", as BRIAN begins to open the coffin. Aaron crosses to the coffin. There's a dramatic moment as Aaron moves to the coffin and braces himself for what he's about to see. The coffin opens and Aaron stares long and hard at the body. AARON Brian... who is that? BRIAN Excuse me? AARON Who is this man I'm looking at? 'Cause it's not my father. BRIAN Are you sure? AARON Are you asking me if I'm sure I know what my father looks like? BRIAN People make mistakes in times of grief. AARON Man, look at the damn body! Brian peers into the coffin. We see it's an ASIAN MAN. BRIAN Oh shit! The other undertakers look embarrassed. AARON Come on, Brian. You know what my father looks like. He used to take you to little league. BRIAN I'm sorry, man. I got a little nervous. This almost never happens. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) AARON It's happened before?! You mean this is a normal thing?... This isn't Burger King. You can't just mess up my order. BRIAN I think I know where he is. AARON You think? CUT TO: INT. ASIAN FUNERAL - SAME TIME Close up of the casket opening. People look confused. The MAN looking into the coffin speaks Chinese with subtitles. ASIAN MAN (IN CHINESE) That's not my father. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME AARON I better .,see my dad in this coffin in an hour, or you're going to take his place. The undertakers pick up the coffin and shuffle out awkwardly. BRIAN Don't worry. I'll get him, man. AARON You do that. (TO HIMSELF) My people, my people, my people... INT. BEDROOM - DAY Aaron enters the bedroom. His wife, MICHELLE, also thirties, attractive, is putting on makeup with a thermometer hanging from her mouth. Aaron stands looking dumbfounded. AARON They brought the wrong body. Can you believe that? (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (muffled because of THERMOMETER) The wrong body?! Do they know where he is? AARON They think so. They're getting him now. The thermometer beeps and Michelle removes it from her mouth.. MICHELLE I told you not to use Marshals. But no, you wanted to keep it in the neighborhood. I know Swartz costs a little more, but at least they know where the bodies are. Michelle writes something down on a piece of paper as Aaron crosses the room and sits on the bed. AARON You were right. Please don't rub it in, not today. I've got so much to worry about. Michelle gets up and heads to the bathroom as Aaron takes out some index cards and looks them over. AARON (CONT'D) Dad insisted on having the funeral here, Mom's crying all the time, Ryan didn't help with anything, not like he ever does! Plus my eulogy sucks. I can't wait until this day is over. MICHELLE (O.S.) Oh come on, honey. I'm sure it's not that bad. AARON If it is, at least Dad's too dead to hear it. Michelle exits the bathroom. MICHELLE Honey, it's going to be fine. (CONTINUED) 5 CONTINUED: (2) AARON It doesn't matter what I write. All anybody's going to be thinking is "why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? Even I'm going to be thinking it. She holds him close. MICHELLE Baby, you're the oldest. You have to do the eulogy. Besides, I think you're just as good a writer as your brother. You just need to let someone read your book. Aaronlooks away. AARON Soon. It's not ready to be read yet. MICHELLE I'm sure it's fine. Once the funeral's over, and everything dies DOWN-- Aaron gives her a look. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Sorry. Look, once this is all over, you know your mom's thinking about selling the house, so you know we've got to get out.of here. Aaron looks a little uncomfortable and heads to the bathroom. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You called them, right? Silence from Aaron in the next room. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Aaron?... You put the down payment on the condo, right? AARON (O.C.) I said I'd take care of it and I'll take care of it. Michelle looks frustrated and crosses into the bathroom. 6. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron is at the mirror. MICHELLE You better, because I can't live with your mother anymore. I've done my time, now it's time for your brother to take over. From now on, it's only Christmas and birthdays for us. Once we move, we can concentrate on your writing and our baby. Michelle gets down on her knees and starts unzipping Aaron's pants. Aaron pulls back. AARON Hey, hey, hey. Are you serious? We have to do this today? Michelle is still on the ground. MICHELLE Yes. Today's the last day of this cycle. AARON Can I at least find the body first? EXT. FREEWAY - WIDE SHOT - DAY We see NORMAN'S CAR speeding along the freeway. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY NORMAN, black, slightly heavier and riddled with anxiety, is driving. His friend, DEREK, an attractive, white, clean cut doctor, rides in the passenger seat. NORMAN I hate funerals. It's all death, death, death. DEREK I don't think funerals are designed for anybody to really like. NORMAN I don't want a regular funeral. When I die, I want people to celebrate my life. (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/09 CONTINUED: DEREK Not me. I want it to be the saddest day ever. I want the stock market to stop. Schools to close. And no garbage pick-up. Derek starts to light a cigarette. NORMAN You still smoke? DEREK You used to smoke. NORMAN I used to piss my pants too, but I stopped. The only thing I want black is my skin. At least open the window. Derek opens the window very slightly. NORMAN (CONT'D) I've got enough problems of my own to deal with. DEREK (DUBIOUS) Yeah? What problems? NORMAN I told you... About the rash... DEREK Got to use condoms. NORMAN .on my hand... DEREK Still got to use condoms. NORMAN Look at it. Norman pulls up his sleeve and makes Derek look at his wrist, but he doesn't take a great deal of interest. DEREK That's not a rash. NORMAN What is it? (CONTINUED) B. CONTINUED: (2) DEREK I don't know, but it doesn't look right. NORMAN Oh, damn. Norman continues to drive. Derek continues to smoke. NORMAN (CONT'D) If you hate funerals so much why are you coming? DEREK You know why. NORMAN Come on, man, leave Elaine alone. DEREK I can't. She's the one. NORMAN So you're going to win her back over a dead body? DEREK If I have to. INT. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY ELAINE, very attractive, 27, and her boyfriend OSCAR, white, 35, are driving along wearing funeral attire. Oscar looks quite anxious as he keeps his eyes firmly on the road. ELAINE Are you okay? OSCAR Yeah, just a little nervous... ELAINE About seeing my dad? OSCAR I just don't think I've ever been so openly hated by anyone before. ELAINE He doesn't hate you. He just loved Derek. (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: OSCAR Great. That makes me feel much better. ELAINE At least you know it's not you, so try not to get so nervous when he's around. OSCAR I can't help it. He puts me on edge. I feel like I owe him money. ELAINE He's going to be more.concerned that his brother-in-law just died. He won't be focused on you. Anyway, when I tell him we're getting married, he'll have to accept you. Elaine takes his hand. As they exchange a loving look, Oscar takes his eyes off the road for just a brief moment. Suddenly there's a BUMP!!! And we see a bicyclist flying over Oscar's car. Oscar screeches to a halt. They jump out of the car. OSCAR Oh my God. Are you okay? The guy gets up. He's fine. BIKE GUY Yeah, I'm fine. OSCAR Are you sure? Is anything broken? I'm so sorry. BIKE GUY It was my fault. I ran a light. Oscar starts hyperventilating. OSCAR I could have killed you. What if you had cracked your head open? I'd have blood on my hands! Elaine shakes him. ELAINE Oscar, calm down! (BEAT) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: (2) ELAINE (CONT'D) You heard the man, he ran a light. Come on, let's get out of here before he wants to sue. She grabs him and pulls him into the car. INT. BATHROOM - DAY The camera is close on Michelle's head which is moving back and forth. We pull back to reveal Aaron. They are doing it standing up. MICHELLE What's taking you so long? AARON I just started. MICHELLE You want this baby as much me. Come on. AARON I'm trying. MICHELLE If I didn't want you to come, you would have done it five minutes ago. AARON Do I have to do this today? The door opens and a HOUSEKEEPER sticks her head in. HOUSEKEEPER Who's picking up Uncle Russell?-- Aaron and Elaine quickly pull apart. As the Housekeeper steps back out into the hall. AARON Oh shit, Uncle Russell. Aaron fixes his pants as he exits the room. INT. NORMAN'S CAR MOVING - DAY Norman's cell phone RINGS. He answers. NORMAN Hello?... How are you?... Okay.. 11. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON I need you to pick up Uncle Russell. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Uncle Russell?! Damn! He's always in a bad mood. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS AARON It's not a mood if he's always in it. It's his personality. Can you do it? INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS NORMAN Alright... 'Alright. I'll do it. See you soon. Bye. Norman hangs up irritated. EXT. WIDE SHOT OF A FREEWAY - DAY We see Norman's car exiting the freeway. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Michelle are standing to the side as the undertakers place the coffin on the stand. Brian nervously lifts the lid and Aaron looks inside. BRIAN (RESPECTFUL) So is this your father? AARON Come on, man. You know that's my father. BRIAN Just trying to be professional. What up, Michelle? MICHELLE (DRYLY) Brian. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: He closes the lid and all four undertakers quietly head off. Aaron looks up and sees his mother, Cynthia, has entered the room. Cynthia is clearly drained and tired. She stares at the coffin. AARON Mom, how are you feeling? CYNTHIA There were so many things we wanted to do... We were going to go to China. AARON China? You don't even like Chinese food. CYNTHIA That's not the point. I haven't been feeling good. Who knows how long I'm going to live without him. It happens all the time. One spouse goes and then the next. I mean, it might be different if I had a grandchild to take my mind off of everything. MICHELLE Cynthia, I-- They all cross to the coffin. AARON (cuts Michelle off) Come on, Mom. You're healthy. You'll be fine. You've got your friends and family... Cynthia, Aaron and Michelle stand around the coffin. CYNTHIA Where is Ryan? Have you heard from him? AARON He'll be here soon. CYNTHIA Just seeing that boy's face makes me feel better. I've missed him so much. My baby. (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: (2) She looks down at the coffin. Aaron turns away frustrated. Michelle gently touches the coffin. MICHELLE Do you need anything, Cynthia? CYNTHIA Yeah, you can get your hand off my husband's coffin. You're leaving smudge marks. Michelle tries to wipe it off with her sleeve. EXT. STREET - JEFF'S HOUSE - DAY MUSIC: "PAPER PLANE" by M.I.A. Elaine and Oscar are walking up the stairs of a typical college apartment building. INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - SAME The music is coming from Jeff's speakers. JEFF, dressed for the funeral, sits at his desk. He's holding a pill bottle that says: "VALIUM." JEFF Yeah, I found them. The ones in the Valium bottle?... Yeah... I'll get them to you this evening... Can't do this afternoon... It's your fault you left them here... I've got a funeral... My uncle died... Yeah, tragic... No, I haven't taken any. I saw what they did to you... What are they anyway?... The doorbell rings. JEFF (CONT'D) I've gotta go, my sister's here... I'll take them with me and stop by after the funeral... Bye. The doorbell rings again. JEFF (CONT'D) Hang on! Jeff stands up and we see that he's only half dressed for the funeral. He doesn't have any pants on. (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: He puts the bottle on the counter then crosses to the door and lets Elaine and Oscar inside. JEFF (CONT'D) Hey, what's up? ELAINE Do you always open the door half naked? Come on, Jeff. We're going to be late. JEFF I've just got to put my pants on and I'm ready. Oscar is still a little shaky. JEFF (CONT'D) (RE: OSCAR) Is he okay? ELAINE Oscar's freaked out. A guy on a bike ran into the car. OSCAR It came out of nowhere. I didn't see him. I'm sorry. ELAINE It's okay, baby. (then to Jeff) Go put your damn pants on. JEFF I'm going. I'm going. Jeff heads off to the bathroom and closes the door. Elaine spots the bottle of Valium on the table and picks it up. ELAINE Here. Take this..: It'll calm you down. OSCAR What is it? ELAINE It's just Valium. (gets a glass of water) I used to take them all the time... It'll make you feel better, promise. (CONTINUED) 15. CONTINUED: (2) I OSCAR Are you sure? I mean, I've got to drive. ELAINE It'll be okay. I'll drive, honey. Come on, open wide. She pops the pill in his mouth and hands him some water. Oscar swallows. Jeff returns wearing pants. JEFF Ready. Let's do it. Oscar and Elaine leave, Jeff surreptitiously picks up the Valium bottle, puts it in his pocket, then follows them out. INT/EXT. ENTRY WAY - SAME TIME CAMERA is in the entry way now shooting outside. A TOWN CAR exits, leaving Ryan in front of the house. RYAN, Aaron's younger brother is taller, more confident, and more successful. He moves slowly towards CAMERA and through the front doorway as CAMERA PULLS BACK with him. RYAN Hello! Mom! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle, Aaron and Cynthia are on the couch as Ryan enters the living room. CYNTHIA Ryan! Cynthia runs over to Ryan and flings her arms around him. Aaron looks a bit lost in the background with Michelle but they walk over. RYAN I know this is hard, Mom. But you're going to be okay. CYNTHIA You always know exactly what to say, Ryan. I'm so glad you're here. RYAN I'm always here for you, Mom. (CONTINUED) 16. CONTINUED: AARON I guess if people died every week, we'd see you all the time. Ryan turns to Aaron and Michelle. RYAN Aaron, how are you? AARON I'm alright. MICHELLE How was the flight? RYAN Okay. I had to buy the seat next to me because I don't trust the airlines with my bags. And there was a lot of turbulence... I guess that's the thing about flying first class. It doesn't matter how much you pay if the plane crashes, you still end up dead-- uh... Ryan realizes what he's said and stops speaking abruptly. It's too much for Cynthia who rushes upstairs. AARON "End up dead"? RYAN Oh damn. MICHELLE I'll make sure she's okay. Michelle heads off upstairs. EXT. LAKEVIEW RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - SAME TIME We see Norman's car turn into "Lakeview Retirement Community." He drives past the sign and through a gate. INT. NORMAN'S CAR/EXT. LAKEVIEW - DAY Norman is driving behind three OLD LADIES on mobile chairs. He's honking at them. He finally sees Uncle Russell. NORMAN There he is. (CONTINUED) 17. CONTINUED: DEREK You didn't tell me the guy was in a wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL, an elderly man in a wheelchair, sits in his chair. Norman drives forward and stops alongside the old man. He rolls down his window and speaks very slowly with a huge smile on his face. NORMAN (OVER ENUNCIATING) Hello, Uncle Russell. How are you? We're here to take you to the funeral. UNCLE RUSSELL Where the fuck have you been, you fat bastard? You're late. If you took any longer I'd be dead, too. The fake smile falls off Norman's face. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan sees the coffin and slowly heads over with Aaron trailing behind. He stands over the coffin. It finally registers that his DAD is actually in there. RYAN It's hard to see Dad like this. But he's in a better place now. AARON When does dead beat sick? RYAN I guess you're right. This is why I try not to get close to people. There's too much emotion involved. AARON Well that explains why you never call. RYAN What do you want me to say? Some families talk to each other all the time, some just see each other at funerals. That's us. AARON I guess it is. (CONTINUED) 18 CONTINUED: Ryan takes a seat in one of the chairs flanking the coffin. Aaron sits as well. AARON (CONT'D) By the way, I'm going to need that money. RYAN What money? AARON The money for all this... the funeral. You're supposed to pay half. RYAN What about the insurance? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN What about the pension? AARON That's Mom's money. RYAN Oh. AARON So we're spliting the cost. RYAN Are we? AARON Yes. We are. RYAN Oh, okay. AARON So? RYAN I don't have it right now. AARON What do you mean, you don't have it? You just bought a first class seat for your bag. (CONTINUED) 19. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN And that's why I don't have any cash. INT.. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY Elaine is now driving, Oscar is sitting in the passenger seat looking a little spaced out, with Jeff in the back. Jeff leans forward. JEFF So, poor old Uncle Eddie... ELAINE Yeah. But he was sick for so long. He's much better off now. JEFF Dead? Since when does dead beat sick? ELAINE Shut up, Jeff. Jeff turns his attention to Oscar. JEFF I love when you come to family functions, Oscar. Because then Dad focuses all his hate on you. There's no response from Oscar. He looks distantly out the window. The pills are starting to kick in. JEFF (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR Was there a dog in here just now? Elaine looks at Oscar very-strangely. ELAINE What? He sniffs. OSCAR Dalmatian? No, Schnauzer... A beat. (CONTINUED) 20. CONTINUED: ELAINE What the hell are you talking about? Oscar falls silent and just goes back to looking out the window. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - LATER Uncle Russell is asleep in the back. Norman is looking for a parking space, but the street and long driveway are packed with cars. A catering truck and flower van are taking up a lot of space. NORMAN There's nowhere to park. Then the small flower delivery van pulls out. Derek points out the newly empty space. DEREK That truck is pulling out. Park there. NORMAN Alright. Just as he's about to drive in, another car takes it. NORMAN (CONT'D) What the hell? EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman gets out of the car. The other car contains Jeff, Oscar and Elaine. Jeff gets out first followed by Elaine. NORMAN Elaine, I was going to park there. ELAINE Are you family, Norman? NORMAN Well, no, but I'm like family. ELAINE No such thing. Derek leans out the window. DEREK Hi, Elaine. (CONTINUED) 21. CONTINUED: ELAINE What are you doing here? DEREK Your father invited me. ELAINE Oh please. She grabs Oscar and heads to the house followed by Jeff. INT. NORMAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Norman gets back into his car. Uncle Russell stirs. UNCLE RUSSELL What's happening? DEREK Did you see that?... She totally blew me off. The flower delivery van has been waiting to move forward. It's driver beeps the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL I said what's happening? Are we there?. Norman turns around and looks at Uncle Russell. NORMAN Aw, damn. I have Uncle Russell. How could I forget about Uncle Russell? Derek has other concerns and the van beeps again. NORMAN (CONT'D) (to the Van) Yeah, alright!! UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on? Uncle Russell pokes Norman with his cane. NORMAN Ow. DEREK .barely even looked. (CONTINUED) 22. CONTINUED: Norman, now highly irritated, is forced to drive backwards. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are walking to the house as other people arrive. OSCAR It's very green here, isn't it?... Green... Very green... Very... green. Elaine takes Oscar to the side. ELAINE Oscar, are you alright? OSCAR What do you mean? ELAINE All this talking about phantom dogs and things being green... What's going on? OSCAR What are you talking about? I' fine . Never been greener. Oscar wanders off, leaving Elaine with Jeff. JEFF Elaine, what's wrong with Oscar? ELAINE I don't know. Something's not right... ANGLE ON: Oscar as he wanders around the yard. ELAINE (CONT'D) I think it's the Valium. JEFF Valium?! ELAINE I gave him a Valium at your place. I think he's just not used to it. JEFF Oh, right. (CONTINUED) 23. CONTINUED: Jeff's face reveals his realization of what's happened. He walks off, leaving Elaine watching Oscar. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Norman's car is almost at the corner still being forced backwards by the flower van. We see that Derek is still lost in his own thoughts. Uncle Russell is poking at Norman with his cane. UNCLE RUSSELL You're going the wrong way! NORMAN Ow! That hurts. DEREK Stop the car, Norman. NORMAN What? DEREK Stop the car. I have to speak with her. I have to speak with Elaine. Norman reluctantly stops the car. Derek gets out. NORMAN What about Uncle Russell? I need help with Uncle Russell! It's too late. Derek is gone. The van in front of Norman honks the horn. UNCLE RUSSELL What's going on here? Where are we?! We're going to be late! Russell hits him on the arm with his cane. NORMAN Ow! Can you please stop doing that?! The van keeps beeping. Norman backs up. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan is standing with Aaron. They greet the mourners. (CONTINUED) 24. CONTINUED: RYAN (TO MOURNER) Nice to see you again. The mourner shakes hands with Ryan then walks away. RYAN (CONT'D) Who are all these people? I don't even recognize half of them. AARON It's your family. You don't recognize them from the last funeral? Ryan looks around the room. RYAN So what side of the family is he on? AARON Who? RYAN The guy in the leather jacket. Ryan looks around the room and sees a FOUR FOOT SIX MAN (FRANK) approaching the coffin. AARON I have no idea. Maybe a friend of Dad's from work or something. Aaron turns to Ryan. AARON (CONT'D) So, you're telling me I'm going to have to pay for the whole funeral? RYAN No I'm telling you you'll have the money in a few months when I get my advance. AARON I'm not a God damn credit agency! REVEREND DAVIS, a very calm, serene woman, suddenly appears. REVEREND DAVIS Aaron, how are you? (CONTINUED) 25. CONTINUED: (2) AARON Yes, um... We're just waiting for everyone to arrive, then we can get going. I know you're in a hurry. REVEREND DAVIS Yes, I have two more funerals and a Christening. I don't know what it is about the Spring, but they're either coming in or going out. She laughs, but Aaron and Ryan just look at her. Reverend Davis stands there waiting to be introduced to Ryan. AARON Have you met my brother, Ryan? REVEREND DAVIS Ah, the writer, of course. I must admit I squeezed this job in because I wanted to meet you. I'm reading "Mama's Secret" right now. Don't tell anybody, I'm not supposed to be reading that kind of stuff. RYAN I'm sure the Lord will forgive you. Aaron is irritated. REVEREND DAVIS (TO AARON) You must be very proud of your big brother. He really made something of his life. (TO RYAN) I can't wait to hear your eulogy. AARON No, no, I'm doing the eulogy. REVEREND DAVIS Oh. I thought... RYAN Aaron is the oldest. The reverend tries her best not to look disappointed. REVEREND DAVIS Great... Well, I'll just make sure have everything I need. (CONTINUED) 26. CONTINUED: (3) She looks at the coffin and then at the Bible in her hands. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) We've got a body and a Bible. Well, I'm all set. She walks off. AARON Look, I think you should do the eulogy. Everyone's expecting you to do it. RYAN No, they're not. You're the oldest. You should do it. AARON Look most of the people are here for Dad, but let's not kid ourselves. A lot of them are here to hear your eulogy. RYAN So imagine how surprised they'll be when they hear yours. Ryan walks away. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is helping prepare the food to go.out. Michelle is in the background at the sink. DUNCAN, Cynthia's brother, a middle aged doctor, approaches. DUNCAN How's my little sister? CYNTHIA I'm trying to hold it together, Duncan. He was a really good husband. My friends always told me about the crap their husbands put them through. I never had to deal with any of that. Remember when Uncle Matt got that nanny pregnant? DUNCAN That was horrible. (CONTINUED) 27 CONTINUED: CYNTHIA They don't make 'em like my Edward anymore. A good husband and a great father to two healthy, strong boys. Michelle cringes in the background. MICHELLE (TO CYNTHIA) I'll make you a cup of coffee, Cynthia. CYNTHIA Coffee can do many things Michelle, but it can't bring back the dead. Beat. MICHELLE Tea? INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Aaron finds a quiet place in the hallway and pulls out his notes. AARON (READS) "My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man... My father was an exceptional man..." Michelle approaches him. MICHELLE Honey, we still need to finish that thing. Remember today is the last day. AARON Can we talk about this when there's a little less death in the air? MICHELLE No. No we can't. AARON Honey, I'm just not in the mood... MICHELLE I don't have any panties on. (CONTINUED) 28. CONTINUED: AARON What? You don't have any panties on? It's my father's funeral. MICHELLE I'm just trying to help you out. I'll put them back on before the service starts. Now come on. They turn. Aaron looks around the corner into the living room and sees the four foot six man standing by a table. Aaron stops Michelle. AARON Babe, don't make it obvious, but that guy in the leather jacket standing by the wall. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Michelle catches a glimpse of the guy. AARON (CONT'D) Do you recognize him? MICHELLE Isn't that the guy from the Home Depot? AARON No, I don't think so. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE Did he put in the cable? AARON No, no, that's not it. He keeps looking at me. Don't look. Don't look. MICHELLE He's probably just a friend of your father's. I'll meet you in the garage. We have a few minutes before Uncle Russell gets here. Michelle walks off. Aaron peeks around the corner again and makes eye contact with the four foot six inch man, who seems to be staring straight at him. Aaron averts his eyes and heads off. 29. EXT. ROAD - DAY Norman parks the car and gets out. He goes to the trunk and removes the wheelchair. UNCLE RUSSELL What are you doing?! Be careful with that. Uncle Russell bangs his cane on the floor impatiently. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Hurry up, we're late. Norman slams the trunk closed. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron tries to get across the room as Michelle heads into the kitchen. Ryan stops Aaron. AARON Oh, Ryan can you keep an eye out-- RYAN God damn, that Martina has grown up. ANGLE ON: MARTINA, nineteen and attractive. AARON Are you talking about Little Martina? RYAN She was like a teenager when I left, and now she's... you know. She's like damn. Aaron looks distastefully at his brother. AARON Can you keep an eye out for Uncle Russell? RYAN I think I should go see how she's been. AARON Yeah, why don't you do that? See if she wants a juice box. (CONTINUED) 30. CONTINUED: Ryan heads off towards Martina. Aaron continues across the room. FRANK (O.S.) Hi there. Aaron turns and finds himself cornered by Frank. AARON Hello. FRANK I was really sorry to hear about your dad. He talked about you a lot. I saw your wedding pictures. Your wife's dress was very beautiful. Aaron is a little uncomfortable. AARON Uh... thanks. MAN Did he ever mention me?... Frank? Frank steps forward and holds out his hand. Aaron shakes it. AARON Frank?... I don't think so, no... Were you a friend of his? FRANK Something like that, yeah. Michelle sticks her head out of the kitchen. MICHELLE Honey. Can I see you for a moment? AARON Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming. Aaron walks away, leaving Frank alone. EXT. STREET - SAME TIME WIDE SHOT: Norman struggles to push Uncle Russell up a hill. (CONTINUED) 31. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, put your back into it. You're supposed to be a young man. Don't you have any strength? INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Aaron has almost made it across the room when he is intercepted by Reverend Davis. REVEREND DAVIS I think we should get started. really have to leave at three. AARON Sure. Can we just wait five minutes for my Uncle Russell? We can't start without him. REVEREND DAVIS .Of course. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine and Jeff are talking to some mourners. ELAINE It's so nice to see you. WOMAN I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. But he's in a better place now. I hear Ryan is doing the eulogy. Oscar, carrying a leaf, interrupts the conversation. OSCAR Look... Isn't it beautiful? He wanders off again. Elaine doesn't know what the hell is going on. JEFF Elaine, can I speak to you for a minute? ELAINE (to the mourner) I'll see you inside. Jeff takes Elaine's arm with some urgency and moves off to the side. (CONTINUED) 32 CONTINUED: ELAINE (CONT'D) What? What is it?! JEFF I have to tell you something and, I'm warning you in advance, you're not going to like it. Elaine looks at Jeff concerned. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is intercepted again by Duncan who is talking to Ryan. DUNCAN Aaron. How are we doing on time? AARON As soon as Uncle Russell gets here we'll be ready to start. DUNCAN So what's this I hear about Ryan not doing the eulogy? RYAN I was just telling him how much I'm looking forward to hearing your eulogy. DUNCAN That's a shame. I mean, I'm sure you'll be good, Aaron. It's just with Ryan being the writer of the family... AARON Yeah. DUNCAN There are people here that don't even know your father. They just came to hear Ryan. AARON Would you excuse me? Aaron walks away. DUNCAN (TO RYAN) So any new books coming out? I just finished "Black Hurt. 33. INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME Aaron closes the door behind him. Michelle is waiting. They start kissing and pulling at each other's clothes. Aaron stops and leans on the door and sighs. MICHELLE Are you alright? AARON Every single person wants Ryan to do the eulogy. He was my father, too. I'm supposed to do the damn eulogy! I'm the oldest. Where was Ryan when I was taking care of Dad? MICHELLE Calm down. Calm down. Forget about everyone. You're going to do the eulogy and it's going to be the best eulogy anyone's every heard. Now could you please do me a favor and get me pregnant? AARON Come on, do I have to do this today? MICHELLE Yes. What do you want? You want me to talk dirty? I'm gonna suck it. I'm gonna to suck it. Before Michelle can continue her PG rated dirty talk, there is a knock on the door. MAN Is there more soda in here? AARON Yes! Come in! Michelle is frustrated. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY Elaine is looking at Jeff in absolute shock. ELAINE What do you mean it's not Valium? (CONTINUED) 34. CONTINUED: JEFF I mean what you thought was Valium, wasn't actually Valium. It's a hallucinogenic. Like, acid, mescaline... Special K... Oscar moves in the background behind Elaine and Jeff. Elaine looks at him. He's making strange contorted expressions with his face and pointing at the sky. Other people are starting to notice him and think he's slightly odd. ELAINE This isn't funny, Jeff. JEFF I'm not being funny. Look at him, he's high as a kite! Oscar sticks his head into a huge bush. ELAINE What the hell are you doing leaving that stuff around your house?! JEFF A friend left it. And who the hell just goes into someone's house and takes pills? ELAINE I thought they were Valium! (takes a deep breath) What am I supposed to do? Should I tell him? JEFF No, don't do that. It'll just freak him out... We'll just keep a close eye on him, and make sure he doesn't get out of control... And don't let him spend too long talking to one person... or bush. Oscar wanders into the front door. Elaine quickly follows him. Jeff reluctantly follows Elaine. Derek arrives in time to see this and follows as well. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Oscar wanders in, followed by Elaine and Jeff. Duncan sees them enter and approaches them. (CONTINUED) 35. CONTINUED: ELAINE Hi, Dad. How are you? She gives him a kiss. DUNCAN Not bad considering we're at a funeral. Jeff steps forward. JEFF Hi, Dad. He shakes his hand. DUNCAN How's Pepperdine treating you? Is Professor Clarke still giving you a hard time? JEFF No, no. It's all worked out. Don't worry. DUNCAN I'm not worried about you. Duncan looks pointedly at Elaine, irritating her. Duncan looks at Oscar who is in the background. DUNCAN (CONT'D) So I see you brought your friend. ELAINE He's my boyfriend. And you know his name. Derek approaches. DEREK Doctor, how nice to see you again. DUNCAN Derek. How are you doing at the hospital? DEREK Great. Great. We should have lunch soon. I'd love to hear what you think about the new pediatric wing at Cedar's. (CONTINUED) 36. CONTINUED: (2) DUNCAN Definitely. Maybe Elaine would like to join us for lunch? They both look expectantly at Elaine who looks away disgusted. Cynthia comes up to them and kisses Elaine and Jeff hello. Oscar stares at her. CYNTHIA Elaine... Jeff... good to see you. ELAINE I'm so sorry, Auntie. We're going to miss Uncle Edward so much. JEFF Yeah. He was a great guy. CYNTHIA Thank you. ELAINE Oscar, this is my Aunt-- Oscar grabs Cynthia in a tight hug. OSCAR I'm so sorry about... the death... He sings "Amazing Grace" softly as Duncan, Derek, Jeff and Elaine look on. OSCAR (CONT'D) Amazing Grace / How sweet the sound / That saved a wretch like me... Cynthia untangles herself from Oscar. She heads back outside. Duncan gives Elaine a look, then heads off after Cynthia. JEFF What are you going to do? ELAINE I don't know. I can't leave. Aunt Cynthia would never speak to me again. Jeff notices that Oscar has left. He rushes outside. Elaine follows. Derek follows suit. 37. EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY We see Oscar emerging from the front doorway followed by Jeff. Then comes Elaine. Jeff approaches Oscar and stands with him as Elaine watches from the doorway. Derek walks up. DEREK You look nice, Elaine. ELAINE I'm dressed for a funeral. DEREK Yeah, but you make death look sexy. She looks at him. DEREK (CONT'D) So, I heard about the engagement. ELAINE Hey, hey. I don't really have time to deal with whatever happened between you and me. But I have not told my dad yet, so I would appreciate it if you would keep your mouth shut. DEREK Sure. Anything for you. Derek looks over and notices Oscar looking bewildered. DEREK (CONT'D) So that's him? That's the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with? Elaine looks over at the drugged up Oscar. Oscar leans over like he's on a nod. Jeff leans down with him, watching. Right before Oscar falls over, he comes up really fast.- Then he starts walking. ELAINE Yep, that's him. Oscar who has been walking in circles with a look of awe on his face, changes direction and flies by Elaine and Derek back into the house with Jeff in tow. (CONTINUED) 38. CONTINUED: DEREK Elaine., I- Elaine follows the guys, leaving Derek behind. INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Aaron is straightening his tie and practicing his eulogy. AARON My father was an exceptional man... My father was-- Frank again approaches Aaron. FRANK Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about... when you have a minute. Aaron hears Uncle Russell in the background. AARON Yeah, that's great. Do you mind if we do it later though? My uncle just got here. FRANK Sure. Aaron heads off. EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOUSE - SAME TIME Norman pushes Russell up the stairs close to where Derek is standing. He looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion. Norman lets go of the wheelchair and catches his breath. Derek grabs the chair blocking Norman from view just as Aaron arrives. AARON Thank you, Derek, you're a life saver. Hope it wasn't too much trouble. DEREK No problem at all. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell inside. AARON How are you doing, Uncle Russell? (CONTINUED) 39. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Terrible. Derek follows, leaving Norman standing there out of breath. NORMAN Can I get a little help? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron enters and nods to Reverend Davis, who stands at the front. REVEREND.DAVIS Ladies and gentlemen, could you all kindly take your seats? We're about to begin the service. Ryan helps Martina to her seat. Jeff keeps an eye on Oscar. Elaine grabs Oscar and drags him to a seat. Aaron wheels Uncle Russell to his place. UNCLE RUSSELL Move! Move! He pokes people with his cane. Aaron then takes his seat with Michelle. Oscar is not looking so good. Ryan finally ends the conversation with Martina and heads to his seat. Reverend Davis is about to start, but waits as Norman, sweating, pushes through the crowd to his seat. The reverend waits for the disturbance to end, so Norman attracts the attention of everyone. Norman takes his seat next to Derek. Derek leans away. DEREK (SNIFFS ) You stink. REVEREND DAVIS Family and friends, we're gathered here today to mourn the passing of Edward Barnes. NORMAN Yeah, well, you left me to push Uncle Russell up that damn hill all by myself. Then took all the credit. (CONTINUED) 40 CONTINUED: Elaine, turns around. ELAINE Norman, shut up. Elaine turns back around. Norman is irritated by this. REVEREND DAVIS I'd like to start with a favorite passage of Edwards from First Samuel chapter 18, verses 1-4 in the King James Bible. (READING) "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father's house..." While the reverend is talking, Norman pokes Elaine on the shoulder and leans forward. NORMAN (WHISPERS) Hey, Elaine, I know you don't think I'm part of the family-- ELAINE 'Cause you're not. NORMAN (WHISPERS) .but when you dissed me back there, I had Uncle Russell in the car. Aaron, disturbed by Norman's whispering, looks over. NORMAN (CONT'D) (WHISPERS) You stole my parking space, and I had to push him half a mile up a hill. We almost missed the service! Aaronlooks over again. ELAINE (WHISPERS) Look, Norman, if you poke me one more time, I'm going to kick your ass. (CONTINUED) 41. CONTINUED: (2) AARON (WHISPERS LOUDLY) What the hell is going on?! NORMAN (WHISPERS) She stole my parking space! AARON (whispers to Norman) Stole your parking space?!. My father's dead! Act right. Reverend Davis looks at them then continues her speech. REVEREND DAVIS ."Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul..." As she speaks, Norman looks at his wrist, worried. The woman sitting next to him smacks his wrist down. ANGLE ON: Elaine looks at Jeff who watches Oscar. Oscar is fidgeting and looking worried. ANGLE ON: Aaron and Michelle. Aaron looks worried. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) ."And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword and to his bow, and to his girdle." ANGLE ON: Oscar is laughing. Elaine tries to control him. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) And now we'll have a few words from Edward's son, Aaron. Ryan's older brother. ANGLE ON: Aaron as he gathers himself. Michelle gives Aaron a supportive squeeze of the arm. Aaron looks over and sees Frank staring at him. ANGLE ON: Uncle Russell. UNCLE RUSSELL Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? This is bullshit. (CONTINUED) 42. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron arrives at the front and looks out across the expectant crowd. He's extremely nervous. AARON Good afternoon, everyone. (his voice cracks) Thank you for coming... I never realized Dad was so popular. It looks like he's got more friends now that he's dead. Blank faces stare back at Aaron. Cynthia looks pained. Everyone is silent except for Oscar who laughs loudly. Elaine silences him with a look. Aaron composes himself and pulls his notes out. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man... He was born in 1938. He grew up in Alabama on a farm. He loved to take long walks in the woods with his close friend, Bobby. He told me how they spent their summer days riding their bikes through the fields and swimming in the lake. As Aaron speaks, Reverend Davis looks concerned because the eulogy is so bad. She looks to Ryan who looks like "what can I do?" Jeff looks more concerned with Oscar, whose face is contorted with pain. He looks like he's going to burst. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON (CONT'D) Dad's first job was working after school as an assistant to an electrician named Mr. Thompson. Back then, Blacks weren't allowed to wear rubber gloves. So my father got shocked a lot. Because of that, he had no feeling in his fingertips. I asked my Dad what his first boss was like... The drugs have gotten the best of Oscar. He suddenly grabs Elaine's arm. Aaron keeps talking. OSCAR Did you just see that? (CONTINUED) 43. CONTINUED: (4) ELAINE See what? OSCAR The coffin just moved. ELAINE What? OSCAR I'm telling you I saw it move. Aaron becomes vaguely aware of the disturbance, but battles on with his eulogy. AARON .He said he was a nice man, and surprisingly well dressed. When Dad was eighteen, he left home after an argument with his father. He never told me what that argument was about, but I do know that after leaving South Carolina, sadly he and Bob lost touch and never saw each other again. Dad went to college where he studied accounting, a decision which lead to a career in corporate finance... But his real passion was for the arts, with a particular fondness for theatre, dance and musicals. He was a charter member of the Negro Ensemble Company and contributed regularly to the Alvin Ailey School of Dance. Oscar's protests are getting louder. Duncan looks back at the disruption with a disapproving glare. Elaine looks at Jeff who watches, concerned. OSCAR There, look. It happened again. ELAINE Oscar, please- People start looking at Oscar, who's becoming increasingly vocal, and looking increasingly like someone on acid. OSCAR That coffin's moving! (CONTINUED) 44. CONTINUED: (5) ELAINE (WHISPERS) Oscar. Just calm down. Aaron looks over to Oscar. OSCAR (SHOUTS) The coffin's moving! Michelle looks worried. Cynthia watches silently. Oscar jumps up. Aaron stops the eulogy. Elaine is about to die from embarrassment. OSCAR (CONT'D) There's someone alive in there! ELAINE Oscar, please sit down. Oscar ignores her and walks purposefully towards the coffin. People watch him in astonishment, including Jeff. OSCAR What the hell is wrong with you people?! Oscar approaches the coffin as Aaron steps off the dais. Elaine tries to hold Oscar back, but she can't. ELAINE (PANICKED) Oscar, where are you going? AARON What are you doing? OSCAR There's someone moving in there. Can't you see? Oscar tries to open the coffin. Aaron and Elaine try to restrain him, but can't. A tussle begins. Ryan jumps in to help. RYAN What the hell is wrong with you?! ELAINE Ryan, no! (CONTINUED) 45. CONTINUED: (6) Elaine attempts to grab Ryan. Duncan stands up and tries to help. DUNCAN Get away from there! OSCAR No, I have to show you! He's alive! He's alive! The scene descends into absolute chaos with people pushing and struggling. Finally, the coffin falls off the platform and tips over. The dead body of Edward rolls out onto the floor at the feet of Cynthia. Cynthia screams. Aaron freezes in shock. Michelle takes Cynthia through the kitchen. The living room is left in chaos. EXT. BACK GARDEN - MOMENTS LATER Elaine drags Oscar out the back. Jeff follows. INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Cynthia, in tears, enters accompanied by Aaron, Michelle and Reverend Davis. MICHELLE It's alright, Cynthia. It's alright. She sits in a chair crying uncontrollably. Aaron is so angry, he just marches out. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Some MEN grab the body and put it back in the coffin. Aaron comes out of the kitchen and heads to the back yard. As they put the coffin back on the stand, Ryan addresses the crowd. RYAN Please let me extend my apologies to you all. I understand the incident you just witnessed was quite shocking, but everything will be... returned... to it's proper place. Please enjoy the refreshments, and we'll call you when we're ready to continue. (CONTINUED) 46. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL It wouldn't have happened if Ryan had done the eulogy. Aaron exits through the garden door. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Aaron storms out to Elaine who is trying to comfort Oscar. He's looking very disturbed. Jeff is also there, looking guilty. AARON Elaine, what the hell was that?! ELAINE I'm so sorry, Aaron. AARON Oh, okay. My dead father's sprawled out on the living room floor, but it's okay, you're sorry. OSCAR But the coffin was moving. ELAINE Please, Aaron. Go back inside. I'll explain later. An annoyed and confused Aaron turns and walks back to the house. He's almost to the door when Michelle arrives. MICHELLE AARON-- AARON No, I haven't made the call about the down payment yet. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON No I'm not going to have sex with you. MICHELLE I wasn't going to say that. AARON What were you going to say? (CONTINUED) 47. CONTINUED: MICHELLE (WEAKLY) Hi. He goes inside leaving Michelle standing there. Duncan comes out and heads for Oscar. DUNCAN I'll kill him! Elaine tries to keep Duncan away from Oscar, who is stressed enough and looks terrified. ELAINE Dad, leave it alone! DUNCAN Leave it alone?! He just knocked my brother-in-law out of his coffin. ELAINE It wasn't his fault. DUNCAN Yes it was. My sister is in tears. I can't believe you brought this idiot! I don't ever want to see him again, do you understand me? ELAINE I can't do that. DUNCAN Why not? ELAINE Because we're... moving in together. Duncan looks over at Oscar, who looks like he's just seen a ghost. He's struggling to stand up straight, with Jeff who's doing his best to look after him. DUNCAN Are you crazy? ELAINE Dad, this isn't actually what he's like. He took some drugs and-- DUNCAN Drugs?! Is he on the pipe? (CONTINUED) 48. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks over, his eyes pleading with Elaine not to tell on him. ELAINE No he's not on the pipe. He took some Valium and had a.bad reaction. Jeff looks grateful. DUNCAN Valium?! That's not a Valium high. Your mother was on Valium for forty years. She never knocked over a coffin. ELAINE Dad, please. DUNCAN I just want to point out that you won't see Derek knocking over a coffin. ELAINE Not right now, Dad. DUNCAN Fine. I've got to check on Cynthia, but this isn't over. Duncan walks back to the house. Elaine walks over to Oscar who is hugging a tree. ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR Elaine. ELAINE Come and sit down. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron talks to a mourner. Norman comes up and hugs him. NORMAN Are you alright?... That was insane. He just fell out the coffin like a dead fish. I guess its not much of a metaphor when you're talking about a dead human, but-- (CONTINUED) Death at a Funeral 02/6/0.9 49. CONTINUED: Aaron looks at Norman. AARON Norman, please. NORMAN Oh yeah... Sorry. It's just that you never know when it's your time. Like, I have this weird thing on my wrist. I've had it for a few weeks now. I don't know what it is-- AARON Why don't you show it to my Uncle Duncan? He's a doctor. NORMAN He is? Great. Thanks. Norman walks off toward the kitchen. He passes Uncle Russell and Ryan talking to Martina. UNCLE RUSSELL I read your last book, "Black Hurt." RYAN Good, good. Thanks a lot. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm not giving you a compliment you arrogant bastard. What a load of bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with it. Ryan leads Martina away from Uncle Russell. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are standing together. OSCAR I swear it was moving. I must be losing my mind... (looks at his hands) Why are my hands so big?! ELAINE Oscar, listen to me. I need to tell you something... Elaine sits him down on the bench. (CONTINUED) 50. CONTINUED: OSCAR What is it? ELAINE Now... You remember I gave you some Valium earlier? OSCAR Yes. ELAINE Well it turns out that it wasn't actually Valium. Oscar just looks at Elaine. Jeff slinks off into the background. ELAINE (CONT'D) Can you hear me? OSCAR (YELLS) Hello? INT. KITCHEN - DAY Cynthia is being comforted by her friends and Duncan. Norman enters and beckons Duncan over to the side. NORMAN Hello, Doctor, I know this is a bad time, but I've got this thing on my hand. I've had it for weeks now... Duncan is looking at Norman incredulously. NORMAN (CONT'D) What do you think it is? Cynthia stands up. CYNTHIA Duncan, I'm going back now. She exits. Reluctantly, Duncan answers Norman. DUNCAN You should probably go see a dermatologist. He turns to follow his sister out, but Norman pulls him back. (CONTINUED) 51. CONTINUED: NORMAN Really? Why? What do you think it is? DUNCAN I don't know. It looks like some kind of pigment mutation. Duncan walks further out of the room. NORMAN Pigment mutation?! Duncan turns again. DUNCAN You're probably just allergic to something. Maybe from shellfish, nuts... Duncan heads further out of the room, but Norman won't give up. NORMAN Nuts? What kind of nuts? Duncan turns around again. DUNCAN I don't know. Pecans? Peanuts?... Excuse me. Duncan finally exits, leaving Norman looking shocked and terrified. NORMAN (TO HIMSELF) A pigment mutation? EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Elaine is trying to explain to Oscar. ELAINE Do you understand? Hallucinogenic. Oscar recoils. He turns to Jeff. JEFF Yeah, now, the best thing to do is relax and just go with the flow. Try and enjoy it. (CONTINUED) 52. CONTINUED: Oscar stands up, panicked and grabs Jeff by the lapels. We see the bottle of "Valium" falls out of his pocket. OSCAR You! ELAINE Oscar! She tries to pull him off Jeff. OSCAR How long does it last? JEFF I don't know... eight hours? OSCAR Eight hours?! Of this?!! ELAINE Oscar let go. She pulls him off Jeff. ANGLE ON: Derek watching from the window. OSCAR I'm going to be sick. ANGLE ON: Derek smoothing his hair seeing his opportunity. ANGLE ON: Oscar runs inside. Elaine follows with Jeff in tow. ELAINE Oscar! Come back. They head into the house. INT. BACK DOOR - DAY Derek has been looking at Elaine outside and waiting for his moment. Elaine comes rushing in following Oscar. DEREK Oh, hi, Elaine. You following me? She just runs right past, then Jeff rushes past following Elaine. Oscar pushes through people. ELAINE Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. (CONTINUED) 53. CONTINUED: Elaine grabs Oscar and leads him to the stairs. ELAINE (CONT'D) Excuse me. He's going to be sick. They head up the stairs with Jeff following. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine rounds the corner and leads Oscar to the bathroom. goes in and shuts the door behind him. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Oscar is building up quite a sweat and mumbling to himself. He catches his reflection in the mirror and SCREAMS! Elaine opens the door. ELAINE Oscar. Oscar grabs the hair-dryer and wields it like a gun. OSCAR Stand back! ELAINE Oscar, put down the dryer. OSCAR Get back or I'll blow your head off. Oscar backs Elaine out of the bathroom. ELAINE Oscar, please-- Oscar shuts the door and locks it. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine is pressed against the door. ELAINE Oscar, are you okay? She tries to open the door, but it's locked. Jeff walks up checking his pockets. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar, let me in. (CONTINUED) 54. CONTINUED: Jeff realizes he lost the pill bottle. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar. Oscar? JEFF Uh... Elaine... I can't find the pill bottle? But Elaine is too busy to hear. ELAINE Oscar! Open the door. Jeff looks at the floor as he leaves. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is talking to himself in the mirror. OSCAR Okay. Breathe. (HE DOES) It's going to be okay. Breathe. You're and investment banker. You've handled mergers for billion dollar companies. You can do this. Dead bodies don't move. They don't move. But that body was moving. It was moving. Then he slaps himself. OSCAR (CONT'D) Snap out of it! You can handle this. You can do this. He runs the tap and splashes some water on his face. OSCAR (CONT'D) Alright. You're okay. Stay calm... Stay calm... Oscar is still staring at himself in the mirror. OSCAR (CONT'D) That's it, Oscar, keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. K.I.T. Keep it together. Everything's going to be fine. Nothing moved. Dead people don't move. They're stiff. They don't move, do they? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 55 CONTINUED: OSCAR (CONT'D) (he screams at himself in the MIRROR) DO THEY!!!! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR Elaine has her ear pressed against the door. She hears the scream. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME OSCAR Easy now. Easy now. We can do this. A few hours. That's nothing. No sweat. I mean you've already been in here for... He looks at his watch. OSCAR (CONT'D) Where's my watch?! He sees it's on the other wrist. OSCAR (CONT'D) Oh! He checks the time. OSCAR (CONT'D) It's already been... INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine continues to knock on the door. ELAINE Open the door. Oscar. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar finally gets a read on his watch. OSCAR Five minutes. Suddenly the pressure of. the situation overtakes him. OSCAR (CONT'D) God damn! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 56. INT. DOWNSTAIRS'- SAME TIME As the screaming and cursing goes on upstairs, Aaron approaches a mourner who looks concerned. OSCAR (O.S.) Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! AARON It's alright. Aaron turns around not knowing what to do. FRANK (O.S.) Grief does strange things to people. Aaron looks at him a little freaked out by his sudden appearance. AARON I guess so. FRANK If you remember, I have something to talk to you about. AARON Oh yeah. FRANK Is there somewhere private we could go? AARON Sure. They walk away. The screaming continues as Jeff, frantically, but slowly comes down the stairs re-tracing his steps and searching around for his lost bottle of pills. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank and Aaron enter. Frank looks around the room a little grief stricken himself. Aaron walks to the desk as Frank touches some mementoes he clearly remembers. Frank takes out his glasses and notices a manuscript on the desk with Aaron's name. FRANK Are you writing a novel? (CONTINUED) 57. CONTINUED: AARON Uh... yeah. Aaron takes the manuscript and moves it away. FRANK Like your big brother. AARON Actually I'm the oldest. I was writing before.he was. I've had a few pieces published in the New Yorker. But now I'm mainly teaching. FRANK Oh. Well, you must be very proud of your brother then. Getting all his novels published. Aaron decides to move the conversation on. AARON So anyway. What did you want to talk about? He motions for Frank to take a seat and sits across from him. FRANK Your father and I were very... close. AARON Yeah. Okay. That's good. FRANK And we spent a lot of time together. AARON Yeah, well Dad was a fun guy. Frank takes an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket and takes some photos from the envelope. FRANK Um... I've got some photos I want to show you. AARON Sure. Frank passes the first photo. (CONTINUED) 58. CONTINUED: (2) FRANK That's me and your Dad in Central Park in New York. Aaron looks at the photo curiously. FRANK (CONT'D) That's us on Santa Monica Boulevard on Halloween... Aaron takes the next one, becoming more suspicious. AARON So, where did you and my dad meet? FRANK Just around. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is outside the bathroom banging on the door. We can still hear Oscar moaning inside. ELAINE Oscar. Are you alright? INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is laying in the bathtub. He has his head under the faucet with his mouth open. A drip falls into his mouth. OSCAR Ahhh. He smacks his lips together and then opens his mouth and waits for the next drop. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron is sitting with Frank. Frank passes him another photo. FRANK That's one of me and your father going to the premiere of "Dreamgirls". I was dressed as Deena and your father had to be Effie. Aaron looks at the photo of them dressed in drag. (CONTINUED) 59. CONTINUED: AARON So... I mean you have all these pictures, but he never said anything about you. This is the first I'm SEEING OF-- Frank gives Aaron a knowing look. AARON (CONT'D) How did you know my father? Aaron looks around the room. There is a copy of "People Magazine" sexiest men issue on the table. He sees figurines of male ballet dancers. It's getting clearer. He sees three Robert Mapplethorpe photos on the wall. There's a signed Kathy Griffin 8x10. Frank looks around waiting for him to get it. Aaron looks at a framed movie poster for Australia with Hugh Jackman. Aaron looks back at the picture. He gets it. AARON (CONT'D) Oh God... Aaron jumps up and closes the study door. FRANK Are you really that shocked? Frank gestures around the room. AARON I had no idea. FRANK I'm sorry. I'm sure he would have eventually told you, but I guess he wasn't sure how you'd react. Aaron shakes in disgust. AARON Uugg. Like this. Aaron gathers his senses. He has a thought and turns to Frank. AARON (CONT'D) Does my mother know? FRANK No. And there's no reason why she should... Just as long as I get what's owed to me. (CONTINUED) 60. CONTINUED: (2) A long pause. Aaron looks over at Frank. AARON "What's owed to you"? FRANK . Well, obviously I should get something... I mean, your dad and I were lovers, and he left me absolutely nothing in his will. How do you think that makes me feel? Aaron fails to respond, because he's in too much shock. FRANK (CONT'D) I'll tell you how it makes me feel cheap. Like some cheap piece of ass... I mean, I'm entitled to something. AARON What do you want? FRANK What I want is a lot, but I'm not asking you for what I want. I deserve thirty thousand dollars. AARON Thirty thousand dollars?! I can't just give you thirty thousand dollars. My wife and I are trying to have kids-- FRANK Your father told me you were having trouble... (BEAT) Look, your father promised to take care of me, and I made sacrifices to keep him happy. Aaron gets angry. AARON You think you can come in here, slander my father's name and show me a few photos of you and my dad dressed up going to see "Dreamgirls"? I saw "Dreamgirls" twice. I'm not gay. That's not proof of anything... "Steppin' to the bad side / Gonna take a mean ride." (CONTINUED) 61. CONTINUED: (3) Aaron grabs Frank and pushes him against the wall. AARON (CONT'D) I'm not giving you anything but a-- Frank pulls out another photo and holds it up to Aaron's face. Aaron,releases Frank and snatches the picture. FRANK Now I don't want to, but I will show these photos to your mother... Do you really want me to do that today? AARON Wait here. He exits the study. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron closes the study door behind him and almost bumps into two male mourners. MIDDLE AGED MAN Aaron, I was just telling George here how when we were boys together your dad used to love to make us all go skinny dipping. Aaron just stares at them. Then he moves toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM - BUFFET - DAY Aaron crosses the living room which is full of people mingling around. He's gone pale. AARON (TO HIMSELF) Oh God, oh God, oh God... He's looking around for Ryan, but there's no sign-. -Michelle watches Aaron walk around the room. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR SAME TIME Elaine is banging on the bathroom door. ELAINE Oscar. Open the door. Derek arrives behind her and leans in close. (CONTINUED) 62. CONTINUED: DEREK Anything I can do to help? ELAINE Not really, thanks. Derek moves over to face her and leans his arm on the door very coolly. DEREK I guess you've got it under control. Elaine ignores him and continues banging on the door. ELAINE Oscar? Anguished noises emanate from the bathroom. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! Open the door. DEREK So what are you doing after the funeral? I've got Maxwell tickets. ELAINE Look... I'm busy. I don't have time for your shit. Now get the hell away from me! Derek looks hurt and storms off. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar! INT. BACK OF KITCHEN - DAY Ryan is talking to Martina. RYAN .so you've never been to New York? MARTINA I've been with my parents once. RYAN Oh, that's not really seeing New York. You have to come visit me. When's your birthday? (CONTINUED) 63. CONTINUED: MARTINA I turn eighteen next month. RYAN Great. All star weekend is in New York this year. MARTINA I know. I know. Aaron approaches. AARON Ryan, I need to talk to you. RYAN Not now, Aaron. AARON It's important. RYAN Give me five minutes. Aaron pulls him away. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron pulls Ryan into the garage and closes the door. RYAN What are you doing? What is it? Aaron lowers his voice. AARON That guy that was here before, that we didn't recognize... RYAN The guy in the leather jacket? AARON Yeah. RYAN What about him? Aaron lowers his voice further. (CONTINUED) 64 CONTINUED: AARON Well, I was just with him in the study, and... and he showed me some pictures... RYAN So? He showed you some picture? What's wrong with that? I'm busy... AARON Pictures of him and Dad together at the premiere of "Dreamgirls". Ryan's face is blank. It's not registering. RYAN Look, is this going anywhere, Aaron? AARON Ryan, he was Dad's lover! RYAN What? No, no, no. AARON The guy in the leather jacket just showed me pictures of him and Dad together. RYAN No, no, no. I don't believe that. My father is not gay. I've known him my whole life. And he's the most non-gay man I've ever met. Matter fact, he's so straight he makes me seem gay. And I know I'm not gay-- Aaron pulls out the picture. RYAN (CONT'D) Uugg. AARON Uugg. I know. RYAN/AARON Uugg/Uugg. Aaron nods. 65. INT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME Norman and Derek are sitting at the table. Norman is looking at his wrist. DEREK How can she be more interested in that idiot than me? Women. They don't know what they want! Norman's still examining his arm. NORMAN It sounds serious, doesn't it? DEREK What? NORMAN A pigment mutation. Derek gives Norman a disparaging look. Norman picks up some cake and takes a bite. NORMAN (CONT'D) Ooh, will you try this cake? I think it might have nuts in it. DEREK So? NORMAN (shows his wrist) So?... Aaron's uncle says I might be allergic to nuts... DEREK Then don't eat nuts. Put the cake down. NORMAN I can't not eat the cake. That's what I do when I'm stressed. I eat cake. DEREK I bet you won't eat it when your arm falls off. Norman sniffs the cake. (CONTINUED) 66. CONTINUED: NORMAN Will you just try it and tell me if there's nuts in it? DEREK No. NORMAN Come on. DEREK I don't want to. NORMAN Just do me a favor-- Norman is pushing the cake towards Derek's mouth. DEREK Get away from me. Derek gets up and walks off, leaving Norman spitting out the cake. From under the table, Jeff pops up. JEFF You haven't seen a pill bottle around, have you? A Valium pill bottle? NORMAN No. But can you try this-- Jeff smiles nervously and goes back to his search on the floor. Jeff slides across the floor past Uncle Russell sitting at the other end of the table. An OLDER LADY turns to Russell. OLDER LADY Edward and I watched the Tony Awards every year. We would get all dressed up and sip cocktails. I'm going to miss him so much. UNCLE RUSSELL Don't worry. The way you look, you won't be far behind. The mourner looks shocked. Jeff continues his search along the floor. 67. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY Cynthia is sitting quietly with Duncan. DUNCAN I'm sure we'll start soon. He looks toward the house and sees Norman exit. Duncan wants to avoid him. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO CYNTHIA) Let's go inside. CYNTHIA In a moment. Duncan gets up and heads toward the house. He passes Norman. NORMAN Doctor, I just have a-- Duncan doesn't stop, leaving Norman holding his wrist. Norman looks over and sees Cynthia. He sits next to her. NORMAN (CONT'D) I'm sorry... you know... about... you know... CYNTHIA Thank you. I'll be alright. I know he's watching over me. NORMAN You think so?' I mean, there are a lot of fine ones up in heaven. Anna Nicole Smith's dead too, you know. might be watching over her. Norman sits next to Cynthia. NORMAN (CONT'D) Death is a terrible thing... Did you check to make sure he.was wearing shoes? I hear they steal the shoes. And I hope you took off his ring, 'cause if it's worth anything, someone is going to take that, too. Cynthia stares at Norman. (CONTINUED) 68. CONTINUED: NORMAN (CONT'D) Before he died, did he have a rash? She gets up and exits. Norman notices Jeff's pill bottle on the ground. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket. INT. KITCHEN - LATER The camera closes in on the closed garage door. We hear hushed voices. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS AARON You don't understand. If we don't give him the money, he's going to show Mom the picture. RYAN Okay. Let me think, let me think. Ryan is trying to come up with a solution. RYAN (CONT'D) I think you should pay him the money. AARON What do you mean, you think I should pay him the money? Where the hell is all your money? RYAN I'm in debt up to my ass. I'm broke, man! AARON So after paying for the funeral, the clothes, the catering... Now I'm supposed to shell out thirty thousand dollars? He's your father, too. RYAN You're the oldest. Besides, you've been living off Mom and Dad long enough. You must have some money saved. You haven't paid rent in two years. AARON I have not been living off of them... I've been living with them. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 69. CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) No I haven't paid rent, but Dad hasn't worked in five years. Who do you think has been paying all the bills? RYAN Well if you've got money problems and I've got money problems, what can we do? Fuck him! Aaron shows Ryan the photo again. RYAN (CONT'D) You've got to pay him. INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME Oscar is sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper. OSCAR Yes, yes. Keep coming. Join the others. Join the others. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Elaine leans against the door. ELAINE Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar? She tries the door. It's still locked. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oscar? OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar? ELAINE Oscar. OSCAR (O.S.) Oscar. ELAINE Os... (CONTINUED) 70. CONTINUED: OSCAR (O.S.) .car. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - SAME TIME Jeff frantically searches the bushes where Oscar pushed him, looking for the pill bottle. He finds nothing. INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Uncle Russell is creating havoc at the buffet table. He's pushing people aside and poking them with his cane. REVEREND DAVIS Are you alright? UNCLE RUSSELL No, my nephew is dead and these bastards ate all the potato salad. Nearby mourners look appalled. The reverend looks over and sees Aaron and Ryan coming down the kitchen corridor. She approaches them. INT. KITCHEN CORRIDOR - DAY Reverend Davis appears in front of Aaron and Ryan. REVEREND DAVIS Ah! I think we're just about ready to start the service, so- AARON Would you mind giving us five minutes? REVEREND DAVIS (NOT HAPPY) Of course. AARON Thanks. Aaron walks off followed by Ryan. He passes Michelle, who's sitting on the couch. She stands up. MICHELLE Is everything okay? AARON No. I'm really sorry, honey, but buying a condo is going to have to be put on hold, just for now. (CONTINUED) 71. CONTINUED: MICHELLE What are you talking about? Why? AARON Babe, you know I wouldn't do this unless I had a good reason. MICHELLE What's the reason? AARON I haven't got time right now, please. I'll explain later. MICHELLE BUT-- Aaron walks off to join Ryan, who's at the door of the study. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is reading Aaron's manuscript. Ryan and Aaron enter. RYAN (TO FRANK) You? So you and my--. You?! It's you. So when I called my father and he didn't answer, he was with you?! Aaron realizes what Frank is reading. AARON Hey, hey, hey! Aaron rushes over and takes the manuscript away from Frank. AARON (CONT'D) What are you doing with my manuscript?! It's not ready. He puts it in the desk. FRANK Well, you left it on a coffee table. AARON What's that supposed to mean? FRANK Well, when you put things on coffee tables, it's assumed it's for everybody. (CONTINUED) 72. CONTINUED: RYAN It kind of is... AARON Can we get to the point here? FRANK Fine by me. Aaron is now extremely irritated. He exchanges a look with Ryan confirming that there's no other way out. AARON (TO FRANK) If I write this check, then that's it. You give us the photos and stay away from our mother. Deal? FRANK Deal. Aaron sits down at the desk and reluctantly takes out his check book. He starts writing. FRANK (CONT'D) (TO AARON) Is it your first one? Aaron stops writing and looks up at him. AARON What? FRANK The novel... it's a first draft? AARON Yeah. So? FRANK No, nothing. Aaron continues to write the check. FRANK (CONT'D) I tried writing once... Didn't work for me, either. I think it's just a gift. You either have it or you don't... It must be hard for you though, especially since your younger brother is such a great writer. (TO RYAN) (MORE) (CONTINUED) 73 CONTINUED: (2) FRANK (CONT'D) Your father and I read "Black Hurt" together. Truly amazing. We loved it. He was so proud of you. RYAN Thanks... I guess... Aaron rips the check into little pieces. AARON That's it. I can't do it. RYAN Aaron, what are you doing? AARON There's no way in the world I'm giving him my hard earned money. RYAN Don't be stupid. Not today. I'll pay you back as soon as my money comes in. AARON He comes in today! Of all days, he picks the day of my father's funeral! Who the hell is he? RYAN He has the pictures! AARON So what. Who cares what he's got. Let him show the world. Put it on facebook. I don't care. RYAN AARON- AARON Let's just get it over with. There's a long pause as everyone seems to be deciding what to do. Finally, Frank stands up. FRANK Fine. This is on your head. Frank heads towards the door. RYAN What? No, wait. (CONTINUED) 74. CONTINUED: (3) Ryan rushes to stand in front of the door, blocking Frank's EXIT FRANK Get out of my way. RYAN Let's just discuss this a minute. FRANK There's nothing to discuss. Frank grabs the door and tries to open it. FRANK (CONT'D) Get out of my way. He tries to push past, but Ryan covers his mouth, muffling his cries. FRANK (CONT'D) (MUFFLED) Get out of my way. Move! Ryan restrains Frank. INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME A few mourners hear the commotion and the muffled voices. They turn to look. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Ryan grabs Frank and wrestles him to the ground. Aaron watches, absolutely shocked as Ryan and Frank roll around on the floor. Aaron jumps up and stands between them and the door. AARON Ryan, what are you doing? FRANK Get off me! Ryan is trying to muffle Frank's screams. RYAN Aaron, help me! Ryan is holding Frank down and trying to keep him quiet. FRANK Ah!! (CONTINUED) 75. CONTINUED: RYAN Aaron, you got any rope or duct tape? AARON What?! I'm not a serial killer. I don't keep rope and duct tape in my pocket. RYAN Well just grab something! (indicating with his head) There, from the curtains. Aaron grabs the cord that's tied around the curtains. He holds it over the wrestling duo, but Ryan's hands are occupied with Frank. RYAN (CONT'D) Tie his legs. Aaron grabs his legs and in doing so falls on top of Frank as well. As he wraps the curtain cord around Frank's legs... AARON This is a really bad idea. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine leans against the wall listening as Oscar hums in the bathroom. She slides down the wall and sits on the floor. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME From a rooftop POV we see the window slide open and Oscar, dripping with sweat and not wearing a shirt, lean out. He takes a deep breath of fresh air and listens to the birds. He climbs out the window revealing he's completely naked. He stands on-the roof and lifts his hands to the sky. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Michelle comes up and sits next to Elaine. MICHELLE Men. ELAINE Tell me about it... How's Aaron? (CONTINUED) 76. CONTINUED: MICHELLE How would I know? He's been avoiding me all day. We're trying to get pregnant. But I can't really do that by myself, can I? I feel like I'm making him eat brussel sprouts every time we do it. Elaine looks at her. ELAINE The guy's father just died. Don't you think this is a bad day for sex? MICHELLE Don't you think I know that? ELAINE I'm sorry. At least your husband didn't ruin the funeral. MICHELLE It's a funeral, it's already ruined. When you start off with a dead guest of honor, how much worse can it get? INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan and Aaron struggle with Frank, who's muffled cries are starting to fade. RYAN Get that tie. Aaron grabs the necktie from off the desk. AARON What am I supposed to do with the tie? RYAN Whatever you do with a tie. AARON I don't know what to-- RYAN Just stuff it in his mouth! Damn, I have to do everything? AARON Apparently everything but write a damn check. (CONTINUED) 77. CONTINUED: Suddenly the door opens and Norman enters. NORMAN Aaron, do you know what was in this cake, I- ANGLE ON: Frank who looks at Norman bug eyed hoping he'll help. RYAN Shut the goddamn door! Shocked, Norman does as he's told. It takes Norman a moment to register that Aaron and Ryan are sitting on top of Frank. Frank continues screaming through the cloth. NORMAN What is going on? Who is that guy? Ryan thinks quickly. RYAN He's having a seizure. NORMAN I just found some Valium outside. Would that help? RYAN Yeah. Great. Give him some. Frank shakes his head "no." Norman gets on his knees with the guys and opens the bottle. NORMAN It's okay. This should help. calm you down. Frank tries to protest, but can't. Ryan holds Frank's mouth open as Aaron holds his nose closed. Norman pours a few pills into Frank's mouth, then Ryan holds Frank's mouth shut. Suddenly the door opens again and Jeff walks in. JEFF Have you seen a little brown pill bottle lying around-- They all turn to Jeff. Frank looks at him, hoping this time he'll get saved. (CONTINUED) 78 CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Norman! I told you to lock the damn door. NORMAN You said "shut the damn door." Jeff locks the door and looks shocked. JEFF What's going on? NORMAN He's having a seizure. JEFF Why is he all tied up? No one knows what to say. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar stands on the roof, naked, breathing in the fresh air. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff, Aaron, Ryan and Norman are all kneeling over Frank. JEFF He's blackmailing you? Over what? AARON If I could tell everybody, it wouldn't be blackmail. RYAN Look, just trust us. He's the bad guy. We'll explain later. NORMAN What are you going to do with him? Everyonerealizes they have no answer to this question. AARON Yeah, Ryan, what are we going to do with him? Ryan doesn't have any answers. RYAN I don't know. (CONTINUED) 79. CONTINUED: AARON You don't know?! Come on, you're the big writer. You're the one who came up with "Black Hurt." Dream up something where we all live happily ever after. We can't keep him tied up forever. How long do you think those Valium are going to last? JEFF Valium? NORMAN Yeah, I found that bottle of Valium. We gave him a few to calm him down. Norman hands him the bottle. JEFF Ah shit! Jeff stands up and heads over to the door. AARON What? FRANK (MUFFLED) What? They all head over to Jeff. Frank looks extremely curious to know what's going on. Everyone talks very quietly so that Frank can't hear. RYAN What is it? JEFF The thing is... those pills aren't really Valium. It's acid and... acid. AARON What?! JEFF Oscar took one by mistake. That's why he's acting crazy. AARON Jeff, what the hell are you doing with this stuff? (CONTINUED) 80. CONTINUED: (2) JEFF A friend left them at my place. AARON What friend, Amy Winehouse? RYAN Wait, you're telling us that Elaine's boyfriend, who knocked over our father's coffin, had just one of these things... AARON (TO NORMAN) And you gave him how many? Norman looks a bit guilty. NORMAN Five. JEFF Five?! (looking at Frank) Poor bastard. NORMAN I thought they were Valium. They all turn and look at Frank who is looking back at them, increasingly concerned by whatever conversation they are having, and the pitying expressions on their faces. AARON Maybe we should call an ambulance. JEFF You can't do that. I'll go to jail. RYAN He's right. If anyone finds out this guy's been force fed acid, we could all be arrested. AARON So what then? What's going to happen? Is he going to die?! JEFF No... I don't think so... I doubt it.. Probably not... (CONTINUED) 81. CONTINUED: (3) The moment is broken by someone trying the door, followed by a knock. CYNTHIA (O.S.) Ryan? EXT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME Cynthia is knocking on the door. CYNTHIA Aaron? INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS They all back away from the door. CYNTHIA (O.S. Are you in there? They look at each other in panic. RYAN Damn. AARON (as normal as possible) Be out in a minute, Mom. Ryan looks at Norman and Jeff. RYAN (to Norman and Jeff) Okay. We have to go out there. You two stay in here and watch him. Ryan closes the curtains. NORMAN Watch him?! What do you mean, "watch him"? RYAN Just make sure he doesn't escape. Lock the door behind us. We'll deal with him after the funeral. Aaron and Ryan open the study door leaving Norman and Jeff to take care of Frank. 82. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron and Ryan come outside trying to look as normal as possible. They see Cynthia standing with the reverend. AARON . How's it going, Mom? CYNTHIA Reverend Davis wants to talk with you. INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS Norman locks the door behind them. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Reverend Davis tries to remain cool, but she's agitated. REVEREND DAVIS Lookie here, brother. I've been patient. We all know it's a virtue, but I'm about done with patience. Now if we don't resume service soon, we're going to need to have a little conversation about my compensation. AARON Sure. So sorry. Um... can you just give us another five minutes? The reverend doesn't look too pleased. REVEREND DAVIS Five minutes. CYNTHIA Is everything okay, boys? Ryan and Aaron kiss their mother and walk off. INT. GARAGE - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter and slam the door. RYAN Why didn't you just pay him the money?! AARON Why did you tie him up?! (CONTINUED) 83. CONTINUED: RYAN Do you want Mom to find out?! AARON What is wrong with you? They start to argue. INT. KITCHEN - DAY We hear their muffled argument through the door. Uncle Russell rolls up to Derek who is sitting at the kitchen table. UNCLE RUSSELL What's your problem?! DEREK Women are my problem. UNCLE RUSSELL No such thing as having a woman without a problem. If they didn't have problems, do you think they'd let us touch 'em? Let me tell you something about women. Smarter than you think they are. But not as smart as they think they are. DEREK She acts like she doesn't care that I exist. I mean how can she not feel what I feel? UNCLE RUSSELL (LAUGHS) Oh she feels it. She's playing hard to get. She wants you to work for it. Look, let me tell something about women. They want a man who can control them. I know they talk all this Oprah, Beyonce "single women" BS, but what they really want is an old school man. DEREK Really? UNCLE RUSSELL Listen here, boy. This is what you do: you walk up to her, slap her-- (CONTINUED) 84. CONTINUED: DEREK Slap her? You want me to hit her? UNCLE RUSSELL Has not hitting her worked? Look, then you grab her and kiss her. The harder the better. DEREK Are you sure, 'cause that-- UNCLE RUSSELL Oh, man, I gotta shit. Where's the can? He rolls away quickly. INT. STUDY - DAY Norman and Jeff are sitting in the study. Frank is on the floor tied up, breathing heavily and making gurgling sounds. JEFF I can't believe you gave him five. Even if they were Valium, that's too many. I wouldn't give a guy five cough drops. Suddenly they hear the doorknob rattle. Norman and Jeff both look terrified. FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Jeff covers his mouth. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Hello?! Neither Norman nor Jeff want to speak. They argue in gestures. Finally Jeff relents. JEFF Hello? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I need the toilet. Jeff and Norman both look panicked. Norman goes to the door. (CONTINUED) 85. CONTINUED: NORMAN Can't you use the one upstairs? UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) I'm in a wheelchair, you idiot! How am I supposed to get up the stairs?! FRANK (MUFFLED) Hello? Norman and Jeff look at each other not knowing what to do. UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.) Open the damn door! Uncle Russell starts banging on the door with his cane. NORMAN What are we going to do? They look at Frank who's starting to look high as a kite. JEFF We'll stick him behind the couch. NORMAN (CALLS OUT) Just looking for the key. They pick Frank up and dump him behind the couch. Jeff stays with Frank to keep him quiet as Norman opens the door. Uncle Russell wheels himself inside. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm about to take a dump in my pants! INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Elaine is still standing outside the bathroom. Derek comes up to talk to her. Elaine's completely drained and stressed. ELAINE What do you want, Derek? DEREK I just want to talk. (CONTINUED) 86. CONTINUED: ELAINE Please don't make me go through this again. DEREK The only reason you don't want to go out with me is because your dad likes me. ELAINE No. The reason I don't want to go out with you is because it was a mistake. I was drunk off my ass. You could have been a donkey. DEREK Thanks. ELAINE That wasn't a compliment. I'm saying I couldn't remember it. DEREK Well I remember every minute of it. ELAINE A minute, huh? That's why I don't remember. DEREK What is it about this guy? What has he got that I haven't got? ELAINE Okay, well for one thing, he's responsible. He's caring. He's considerate. He's thoughtful. He's stable. He's-- EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar is leaning over the ledge playing with his spit and laughing uncontrollably. INT. GARAGE DAY Aaron and Ryan are still arguing. AARON I'm not the one who tied him up. (CONTINUED) 87. CONTINUED: RYAN Well somebody had to look out for Mom. AARON (INCENSED) I've been looking out for Mom since you got your book deal. RYAN You just can't get over it, can you? You're burning with jealousy because I left and did what you always wanted to do. AARON I couldn't leave because I had responsibilities. RYAN Don't put it off on responsibilities. You spent three years on a novel and you won't even let anyone see it! What are you going to do? Wait until you're dead? You think you're going to be the Tupac of books? AARON At least I'm not some hack writing crap. Mr. "Mama's Secret", Mr. "Black Hurt." RYAN Mr. "Out of Ink", Mr. "Blank Page." At least my crap gets published. Michelle enters. MICHELLE Aaron, what is going on? AARON Michelle, please, not now. MICHELLE Why are you acting like this? Fine. We don't have to have sex today, but the condo? Don't you want to get out of here? AARON MICHELLE-- (CONTINUED) 88. CONTINUED: (2) RYAN Just tell her, Aaron. MICHELLE Tell me what? Aaron closes the garage door. AARON Listen... Do you remember the guy in the leather jacket? MICHELLE Yeah. AARON Well, I don't know how to say this, but... it looks like he and my father were having sex. MICHELLE What? No. Not your father. With him? AARON Yes. MICHELLE No. Your father was the straightest guy I know. RYAN That's what I thought. MICHELLE Are you sure? AARON And now he wants thirty thousand dollars or he's going to show everyone photos of them doing... stuff... MICHELLE Stuff like what? Aaron and Ryan share a look. Aaron shows Michelle the picture. She reacts. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman lifts Uncle Russell out of the chair. (CONTINUED) 89. CONTINUED: UNCLE RUSSELL Hurry up! Norman is struggling to hold Uncle Russell up. UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D) Have you got me? NORMAN Yes, I've got you. UNCLE RUSSELL Come on, quick, quick, quick. NORMAN Alright, I'm trying to see where the toilet is. He maneuvers Uncle Russell to the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL Pants down. Pants down. NORMAN No you do it. UNCLE RUSSELL How can I do it? I'm handicapped. Norman reluctantly helps Uncle Russell pull his pants down. NORMAN Alright. Alright. UNCLE RUSSELL Drawers. Drawers. Take down my drawers. NORMAN Who calls them "drawers"? Norman pulls them down. NORMAN (CONT'D) It's all down. UNCLE RUSSELL Am I there? Am I there? Norman looks and sees Uncle Russell is right over the toilet. (CONTINUED) 90. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Yes, yes. Just sit down. Uncle Russell sits down on the toilet trapping Norman's hand underneath and lets loose. UNCLE RUSSELL Ooh, that's better. Norman pulls his hand out and looks at it in shock. ANGLE ON: Norman's hand has shit on the fingers. He starts freaking out and screaming. INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff hears Norman and jumps up. NORMAN (O.S.) Ahh!!! Jeff goes into the bathroom to see what's going on. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Jeff opens the door and rushes in, but is stopped in his tracks by Norman's shitty hand. NORMAN Ahh!!! JEFF Ugh! Norman, panicking, rushes to the sink, turns on the faucet full blast and sticks his hand under the water. This causes a great splashing. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank peeks up from behind the couch. He's clearly high. With his hands still tied, he struggles to get to his feet. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY Norman frantically washes his hands. JEFF Norman? Norman? Norman still has his face down. (CONTINUED) 91 CONTINUED: NORMAN Please, please. Just come off. JEFF Norman! Norman turns and we see he has shit splattered on his face. NORMAN What? Jeff points to his face. JEFF You missed some. Norman turns slowly and looks in the mirror. He freaks out. NORMAN Oh, I think I've got some of it in my mouth! Norman desperately rushes to wash it off. INT. STUDY - DAY Frank is now up on his feet and running around like a rabid animal. INT. STUDY BATHROOM - SAME TIME Jeff pulls Norman up and shakes him. JEFF Pull yourself together. Would you rather get caught or have shit in your mouth?! Uncle Russell has fallen asleep on the toilet. INT. STUDY - SAME TIME Frank is running around the room. Through the door, we see Uncle Russell sleeping on the toilet. Frank jumps up and down on the sofa. He loses his balance and falls on the coffee table head first. He cracks his head on the corner and falls straight down. Jeff and Norman rush out of the bathroom to find Frank lying on the floor motionless, blood on his head. (CONTINUED) 92. CONTINUED: NORMAN Oh, no. Check him. Check him. JEFF Hey, man, you alright? No response. NORMAN Check him again. Check him. JEFF Man. Hey. Hey! NORMAN Wake him up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. JEFF What's his name? NORMAN I don't know. Try Larry. Jeff looks at Norman, but he doesn't have a better idea. JEFF Larry? NORMAN Shake him. Jeff bends down and shakes him. JEFF Larry, wake up. It's time to get up. From the bathroom, Uncle Russell starts to stir. Norman quickly closes the door. NORMAN Maybe it's not Larry. Try something else. Pinch him. Jeff pinches Frank. Still no response. NORMAN (CONT'D) He must be breathing. He has to be breathing. Please God let him be breathing. (CONTINUED) 93. CONTINUED: (2) Jeff looks concerned. He checks for a pulse. He looks up at Norman with an expression that tells us all we need to know. JEFF He's dead. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Michelle walks into frame and stops at the coffin. Aaron and. Ryan stand on either side of her. MICHELLE So that's it? We're just giving him all the money we've saved? AARON Well, it's not that simple. MICHELLE Why not? RYAN Aaron refused to pay. MICHELLE How come you couldn't pay, Ryan? RYAN That's not the point. Besides, the only reason Aaron tore up the check is because the guy started talking bad about his novel. MICHELLE Your novel? Michelle looks confused. MICHELLE (CONT'D) You let him read your novel? You wouldn't let me read your novel. Are you screwing him, too? 'Cause Lord knows you're not screwing me. INT.HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman comes out of the study and closes the door behindhim. He leans against the door, dripping with sweat. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan look over and see Norman. (CONTINUED) 94. CONTINUED: ANGLE ON: Norman as he pastes a maniacal grin on his face and crosses into the living room. As he moves through the throng of mourners, they are all unnerved by him. NORMAN Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Hi. The hugesmile never leaves his face. ANGLE ON: Ryan, Aaron and Michelle watching Norman, concerned. Norman approaches and stands on the other side of the coffin. AARON Norman, why are you grinning like that? NORMAN (to Aaron and Ryan) Can you come to the study for a second? Aaron can see from Norman's face, and the sweat on his forehead, that something serious has happened. Then he sees Cynthia sitting in the corner. AARON (TO MICHELLE) I'll be back soon. Can you check on Mom? MICHELLE Sure. They exit. Michelle crosses to Cynthia. MICHELLE (CONT'D) Hey, are you doing okay? It's going to be alright. CYNTHIA If you've never given life, child, how can you understand death? INT. STUDY - DAY Jeff is leaning on the window. There's a knock at the door. AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron. Jeff opens the door. Norman, Ryan and Aaron enter. Norman locks the door behind them. Aaron rushes over to the body. (CONTINUED) 95 CONTINUED: AARON (CONT'D) Oh shit! Call an ambulance. JEFF There's no point. AARON What do you mean "there's no point"?! JEFF Look at him! He's dead! AARON Dead, dead? RYAN Is there a "kind of" dead, Aaron? AARON What the hell did you do to him? NORMAN We didn't do anything! AARON Well he was alive when I left. JEFF He hit his head on the table. AARON Oh no. This is really bad. This is really, really bad. JEFF What are we going to do? AARON Twenty-five to life. Norman looks at his watch. NORMAN You know what, I really have to be SOMEPLACE ELSE-- Norman makes his way to the door. JEFF You're not going anywhere. (CONTINUED) 96. CONTINUED: (2) NORMAN Look, I'm not the prison type. They'll kill me. Oh my God, I'm going to die. I'm going to die in prison. Oh my God, do you know how fast a rash spreads in prison? Aaron smacks Norman. AARON Pull yourself together! Norman calms down. NORMAN Thanks, man. After a beat, Ryan speaks. RYAN Look, no one here knows who this guy is. Nobody knows his name. They probably didn't even notice him. AARON Didn't notice him? He's four fucking feet tall. RYAN Look, all we have to do is get rid of the body. It'll be like he came and left. AARON Get rid of the body?! It took me two months to get rid of a couch. JEFF Did any of you happen to notice the size of Uncle Edward's coffin? Everyone looks at Jeff. AARON (TO JEFF) You want to bury him with my father? JEFF Why not?... I mean it's not like he's going to know. (CONTINUED) 97. CONTINUED: (3) AARON That's not the point. RYAN You have to admit, it makes sense, Aaron. The coffin's there, the hole in the ground's there... He'll be gone, finished, end of story... Unless you have a better suggestion. Aaron desperately tries to think of an alternative. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY Derek and Elaine are sitting in the corridor. Elaine looks drained of energy. Derek's smoking a cigarette. DEREK It's funny. No matter what you say, I'm convinced we'll be together. ELAINE Yeah, well, we all make mistakes... I used to be convinced I was going to marry Prince. What happened there? DEREK You still could. ELAINE You're an idiot. DEREK I'm serious. You only live once. You might as well do whatever it is that makes you happy. ELAINE Yes, but maybe I don't think of life anymore as all about me, me, me. Maybe I've discovered there's something outside of myself that I care about. And maybe you should, too. Derek looks hurt. DEREK That's kind of cold. I care about you. (CONTINUED) 98. CONTINUED: ELAINE No, Derek, you care about you. You only care about me in relation to how I affect you. There's a difference. DEREK That's not true, Elaine. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Oscar is squatting down rolling his head around when he hears Elaine's voice. ELAINE (O.S.) Derek, get over yourself. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS Elaine moves over to the window. Derek follows her. DEREK Hey! He slaps her on the butt. Elaine whirls around. Derek grabs her on the arms. DEREK (CONT'D) I'm the man for you, and you're coming home with me. He kisses her. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar turns to look at the window and sees Derek and Elaine kissing. INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - LATER Elaine pulls away and punches Derek in the face. He staggers back and sees Oscar in the window. DEREK What is that?! Elaine turns around. ELAINE Oscar! 99. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Oscar moves away from the window and further out on the ledge. Elaine opens the window and sticks her head out. ELAINE Oscar! What are you doing? Get back here and put your clothes on right now! OSCAR I saw you kissing him. ELAINE I wasn't kissing him. I swear. Please, baby, put your clothes on. We're at a funeral! Derek sticks his head out the window behind Elaine. OSCAR You cheater! You cheater! You're committing adultery!!! ELAINE Calm down. OSCAR I'm going to jump right now. ELAINE Remember you've got drugs in you. This isn't really happening. Oscar, look at me. She turns to Derek. ELAINE (CONT'D) (TO DEREK) Get out of here! She pushes him back inside. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME As mourners mill about the lawn we hear: OSCAR (O.S.) I'm going to jump. I'm jumping. You're a cheater! (CONTINUED) 100. CONTINUED: People gather. around and look up. We only see Oscar from the waist up. ANGLE ON: Oscar. OSCAR (CONT'D) I'm going to jump. She's cheating on me! ELAINE (O.S.) Oscar, please. Come back here. INT. STUDY - DAY Ryan, Aaron, Jeff and Norman are as we left them. NORMAN There's just no way we can do it. It's impossible. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes. DEREK (O.S.) Norman, it's Derek. Let me in. Everyone freezes. RYAN Oh shit. Put him in the bathroom. Aaron and Jeff drag Frank to the bathroom door. DEREK (O.S.) Are you in there? Aaron opens the door and we see Uncle Russell still on the toilet. He looks up. UNCLE RUSSELL What's that? Aaron slams the door. We can hear Russell's muffled shouting coming from behind the bathroom door. AARON Norman!! Why is Uncle Russell on the toilet? NORMAN I forgot! (CONTINUED) 101. CONTINUED: AARON How could you forget?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Another loud bang on the door. DEREK (O.S.) Aaron, open the door. Norman opens the door as Aaron runs over to keep Derek from entering. INT. STUDY/CORRIDOR - DAY Aaron opens the door an inch. AARON What is it? DEREK Aaron, where's Norman? NORMAN (from behind the door) I'm here. DEREK It's Oscar, he went crazy. He's-- Derek realizes that something weird's going on. DEREK (CONT'D) What's going on? AARON Nothing. Derek puts aside his curiosity for the time being. DEREK Look, Oscar's on the roof stark naked. He saw me kissing Elaine and now he's threatening to jump! JEFF I've got to go. Jeff rushes to the door. RYAN Where are you going? (CONTINUED) 102. CONTINUED: JEFF I have to go out there. If he jumps, my sister is going to kill me. Jeff rushes out. AARON (to Ryan and Norman) Wait here. Aaron follows Jeff, but he does not run. He walks out. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jeff rushes through the empty room. Aaron walks behind him slowly. EXT. BACK GARDEN DAY Jeff runs through the kitchen door and joins the mourners looking at Oscar on the roof. ELAINE Get back here. Be careful! OSCAR I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! ANGLE ON: Aaron who steps out and sees everybody watching Oscar. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine is still leaning out the window. ELAINE Oscar, come inside. We'll have some coffee. OSCAR (PETULANTLY) No! He climbs up on the roof. ELAINE Oscar! She climbs out the window. 103. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME The mourners see that Oscar is naked. He stumbles. Everybody GASPS! Aaron notices that everybody is captivated by the drama. EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME Elaine follows Oscar on the roof. EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME Duncan sees Elaine on the roof. DUNCAN Elaine, what are you doing?! Elaine sees Oscar climbing further up the roof. DUNCAN (CONT'D) Elaine! Elaine follows Oscar. Aaron realizes this is his chance. He heads back inside. Michelle catches him at the door. MICHELLE What are you doing? AARON I think I can get rid of this guy, but I need you to stay out here and try to stop anyone from coming in. MICHELLE Okay. I'll do what I can. She heads back to the crowd on the lawn. As Aaron goes through the doorway of the kitchen, Derek passes him on the way out to the lawn to see what's happening. DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! INT. STUDY - DAY Norman is standing in the corner. Aaron knocks on the door. NORMAN Who is it? (CONTINUED) 104. CONTINUED: AARON (O.S.) It's Aaron! Norman opens the door. AARON (CONT'D) Everyone's out in the garden... We've gotta move the body now. RYAN Let's go! Ryan and Aaron grab Frank. As Norman runs out. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman looks around and sees that it's clear. He goes back to the study and opens the door. NORMAN Quick. Quick! Aaron and Ryan carry Frank out as Norman looks around. RYAN Make sure no one comes in. As they disappear around the corner,, Norman closes the study door. He turns just in time to find Reverend Davis approaching. He intercepts. NORMAN (to Reverend Davis) Hi! The reverend looks around, not knowing why Norman is being so especially friendly to her. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron hurry across the living room carrying Frank. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman is blocking Reverend Davis. NORMAN So, what made you decide to get your God on? (CONTINUED) 105. CONTINUED: REVEREND DAVIS Look, I'm sorry, I really need to use THE PHONE-- NORMAN I'd like to make a confession. REVEREND DAVIS I'm not a priest. NORMAN That's okay, 'cause I'm not Catholic. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Aaron and Ryan get to the coffin and Ryan opens it up. There's an intense moment as they look down at their father in the coffin. They both stop for a moment, speechless. RYAN Aaron, we have to do this. Aaron looks up at Ryan and nods his assent. Ryan and Aaron lift up Frank and try their best to put him in the coffin. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Norman still blocks the reverend. NORMAN What do you think God's favorite color is? REVEREND DAVIS (ANNOYED) I have no idea. NORMAN I'll bet it's blue. The sky's blue. The seas are blue. And the winds blew, too. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Ryan and Aaron are staring at the body. Frank is on his stomach, tops to tails with their father. Aaron looks at it and decides that it's just wrong. AARON We can't leave it like that. (CONTINUED) 106. CONTINUED: Ryan looks down and laughs. RYAN In a strange way, this might have been what he wanted. AARON Be serious for a second. They begin lifting him again. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is doing his best to keep Reverend Davis at bay. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan have swiveled the body around so that Frank is facing upwards. RYAN Why do you say I don't take anything seriously? You complain about me all the time, but if I didn't play the bad boy, you couldn't play the martyr. (MOCKING) Aaron's so great, Aaron's so right, Aaron's so responsible. (back to normal) Why don't you try laughing and enjoying life once in a while? It might make you a better a writer. INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY Norman is still talking to Reverend Davis. She looks like she really doesn't want to be there. REVEREND DAVIS Look, I must get to a phone. There's a man on the roof who's going to jump. NORMAN I'm addicted to strip clubs. The shoes, the poles, the smell. I just like to take my money and throw it in the air. I like to make it rain. 107. EXT. ROOF - DAY Elaine is stepping off the fire escape ladder and onto the roof peak. Oscar sits sadly on the roof peak with his back to the crowd. ELAINE Oscar... Please don't do this... love you. OSCAR Then why were you with him? ELAINE I wasn't with him. OSCAR Yes, you were! I saw you! EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS Derek is laughing next to Jeff. We see the view from their POV. EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Elaine finally gets closer to Oscar. OSCAR I'll never be good enough. Not for your dad, and not for you. ELAINE Oscar, please just come inside. OSCAR No. You go inside. ELAINE Come with me. OSCAR Why? ELAINE Because you're going to be a father. Oscar looks at her, shocked. OSCAR What? (CONTINUED) 108. CONTINUED: ELAINE I'm pregnant. We're going to have a child... ANGLE ON: Oscar and Elaine. OSCAR You're pregnant? Oscar is overcome with emotion. Elaine holds out her hand. ELAINE I won't be able to do it without you. Very slowly, a naked Oscar, walks toward her and they embrace. The crowd applauds. ANGLE ON: Michelle. MICHELLE What about me?! I want a baby. Would somebody get me pregnant?! Everybody looks at Michelle. She smiles weakly. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY Seeing Oscar is safe, Jeff is very relieved. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Norman and the reverend hear applause. Reverend Davis heads back out to see what's up. Norman turns to check on Ryan and Aaron. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan are just about to close the lid. They both look down at their father one last time. Aaron takes a moment to touch his father's hand. AARON Bye, Dad. Ryan takes a long look as he closes the coffin. EXT. ROOF - DAY Oscar turns toward the crowd. (CONTINUED) 109. CONTINUED: OSCAR (ANNOUNCING WILDLY) We're having a baby. EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY General approval noises and applause come from the crowd. Duncan looks appalled. DUNCAN Great. Duncan heads toward the kitchen door. He passes a shocked looking Derek. Michelle follows and speaks loudly as Duncan is about to enter the kitchen. MICHELLE Aaron?! Oscar's off the roof! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aaron and Ryan quickly shut the coffin a moment before Duncan enters the living room through the kitchen door and crosses on the way to the stairs. DUNCAN I'm going to kill him. Jeff follows Duncan in, looks at the coffin, then looks at Aaron and Ryan questioning them with his eyes. They return the look with silent assurance that the job is done. Michelle comes in. MICHELLE (TO AARON) Hey, is he gone? AARON Yeah. MICHELLE Thank God. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Elaine helps Oscar through the window. OSCAR Thank you. (CONTINUED) 110. CONTINUED: DUNCAN (O.S.) Elaine! Elaine opens the bathroom door and Duncan enters. Elaine helps Oscar get dressed. DUNCAN (CONT'D) (TO ELAINE) Thank God you're safe. (TO OSCAR) You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you? Stay away from my daughter. ELAINE Look, Dad-- DUNCAN Elaine, stay out of this. ELAINE No, I'm not staying out of this. Remember how I told you we were moving in together? Well, I lied. We're getting married. Duncan is shocked. DUNCAN You're what?! ELAINE We're getting married. DUNCAN Elaine, you don't have to marry him just because you're pregnant. ELAINE I'm not marrying him because I'm pregnant. I'm marrying him because I love him. DUNCAN How can you love him? He's an idiot. ELAINE Dad, this is my life. If you don't like it, too bad. But if you want to keep me and my child in your life, you'd better change your attitude, especially about my husband. (CONTINUED) 111. CONTINUED: (2) Elaine exits, taking Oscar with her. OSCAR Bye, Dad. They exit. EXT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Cynthia walks up to Aaron. CYNTHIA Baby, I really think we should start again now. Have you seen Uncle Russell? Aaron remembers where he is and looks at Ryan. They rush off to the study, passing Jeff. Jeff checks his pockets and realizes the pills are gone again. He goes off to find them. INT. STUDY - DAY Aaron and Ryan enter the study and head toward the closed bathroom door. They open it and find Uncle Russell sitting on the toilet. UNCLE RUSSELL What the hell is going on in this place? AARON I'm so sorry, Uncle Russell. There was someone on the roof-- UNCLE RUSSELL Never mind that. What about that dead body you dragged in here? Aaron and Ryan feign ignorance. AARON What dead body? UNCLE RUSSELL Don't mess with me. I know a dead body when I see one. I live in a retirement home. 112. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Norman sniffs his fingers, worried. In the background we see Elaine entering the room with Oscar, now dressed, but still looking a bit wired. People respond with scattered applause and congratulations. Derek walks over and joins Norman. DEREK Did you hear that? She's having a kid! Derek looks at Norman who's looking sort of distant. DEREK (CONT'D) How's your skin thing? NORMAN Oh that... It's probably nothing. I'm more worried about Hepatitis C after having Uncle Russell's shit in my mouth. I think I'm feeling yellow. Norman touches his skin as he walks away, leaving Derek confused. ANGLE ON: Jeff frantically looking for the pill bottle. He gives up and sits in a chair. ANGLE ON: Ryan is wheeling Uncle Russell into the room as Aaron moves to his seat. UNCLE RUSSELL I'm telling you I saw the guy. He was dead! RYAN I know you did, Russell. We all did. UNCLE RUSSELL No! In the bathroom. Ryan offers a look to the other mourners indicating that Uncle Russell's a bit mad and shouldn't be listened to. ANGLE ON: Michelle comes over to Aaron. AARON I can't believe what a nightmare today has been. (CONTINUED) 113. CONTINUED: MICHELLE I don't know. It's been sort of exciting. Aaron looks at her. MICHELLE (CONT'D) For a funeral, I mean... AARON Listen, about the condo and the baby, I PROMISE-- MICHELLE We'll work it out. Let's just get this day over with. Then we can worry about the rest of our lives. Aaron hugs Michelle. AARON I can't believe I still have to do this eulogy... with everything I've just found out. A beat. MICHELLE It doesn't change anything, does it? AARON Not a thing. Reverend Davis approaches Aaron, looking at her watch and appearing flustered. REVEREND DAVIS We're going to have to fly through this now. I already missed a funeral and two Christenings. AARON Sure. Let's go. REVEREND DAVIS Do you want an open casket? AARON/RYAN/NORMAN/JEFF No! The reverend looks shocked at the reaction, but ignores it. She stands up at the front and speaks quickly. (CONTINUED) 114. CONTINUED: (2) REVEREND DAVIS Alright! Everybody in their seats now! (she snaps her fingers) Hey, you, sit down. People settle into their seats. Ryan manages to squeeze in next to Martina. He smiles at her, flirtatiously. Cynthia throws Ryan a look, and he gets up and goes to sit with her. REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D) (speaking very quickly) I'd like to apologize on behalf of the family for all of the distractions. I hope that everyone is settled and ready to continue with the service. Aaron, the oldest son, would like to say a few words about his father. Michelle gives Aaron an encouraging look as he makes his way to the front. Aaron clears his throat and prepares to begin. The room is absolutely silent. He takes a deep breath. ANGLE ON: The reverend nodding for Aaron to hurry up. ANGLE ON: Aaron. AARON My father... was an exceptional-- BANG! BANG! BANG! Suddenly, a loud banging emanates from the coffin. Everyone stares at it in stunned silence. Jeff looks over to Norman whose eyes are as wide as saucers. Aaron looks like a deer caught in headlights. He looks at Ryan who gestures to him to continue. He nervously struggles on. AARON (CONT'D) My father was an exceptional man. BANG! BANG! BANG! Everyone stares at the coffin in awe. Aaron bravely continues. AARON (CONT'D) Not only did he live for his family, but he was always there for others-- BANG! BANG! BANG! (CONTINUED) 115. CONTINUED: (3) DUNCAN What the hell is going on? MOURNER 1 There's someone in there! OSCAR I knew it! I knew it! Suddenly the coffin lid flips off and everyone stares in wonder as Frank sits up, looking like a crazy person, and babbling incoherently. Several people scream. Frank opens the other end of the coffin and looks at his dead lover. RYAN (trying to cover) What the hell are you doing in my Dad's coffin? Frank starts grabbing at Edward's body screaming. FRANK Edward! Edward! Edward! Ryan, Norman and Jeff try to pull Frank out of the coffin, but he's holding onto the corpse. FRANK (CONT'D) No! No! Finally they get Frank out and carry him from the room. As he passes Cynthia, the photos fall out of his pocket at her feet. As Duncan closes the coffin again, Cynthia bends down and picks up one of the photographs and stares at it. Her face turns to horror as she makes out the image. The noise in the room is broken by Cynthia's furious cry. She drops the photos and runs at Frank. CYNTHIA You bastard! Cynthia tackles Frank and starts beating him. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (as she hits him) He was with you! Duncan picks up the photos. He shows them to Uncle Russell. (CONTINUED) 116. CONTINUED: (4) UNCLE RUSSELL I always thought he had a little sugar in his tank. Everything has descended into total chaos until Aaron finally shouts across the room. AARON MY FATHER WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN!!! Everyone, including Frank and Cynthia, looks at Aaron, stunned. They all freeze. There's a long silence. AARON (CONT'D) He had his... shortcomings, but he took care of his family. He loved his family. He loved this house. He worked hard. All I wanted today was to show him how much we all loved and admired him. To give him the respect that he deserved... Is that really so much to ask? We all get so distracted by the... little things in life. We forget about the important things. Like the fact that we lost a great man. The mourners look up at Aaron with undivided attention. AARON (CONT'D) So maybe he loved "Dreamgirls" more than most men. We don't know why a man makes the choices he makes. But I do know that my father made the best choices he could make. Life is complicated. We're just thrown here together in a world filled with chaos and confusion... and we do our best. And Dad did his best... Aaron looks over at the coffin. As.he speaks, we see shots of Cynthia, Frank, Jeff, Norman, Duncan as they are moved by Aaron's words. AARON (CONT'D) He taught us to go for what we wanted in life, because you never know how long you're going to be here... And whether you succeed... or you fail... the important thing is that you tried. (CONTINUED) 117. CONTINUED: (5) A beat. Michelle looks up at her husband with pride. We see the various other mourners looking at Aaron and listening. AARON (CONT'D) So when you all leave here today, I want you to remember Dad for who he really was... A decent, loving man who never condemned anyone for how they lived. Who never cast disparaging remarks or held prejudices against race, gender... height. If only we could all be as giving, as generous, as understanding as my father... Even dead, my father has more character than everyone in this room. If I am half the man my father was, my child will be incredibly blessed. Aaron turns and walks out of the room. Everyone watches him go. Michelle follows him out of the room. FADE OUT: FADE IN: EXT. HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT The house has emptied out. All the cars are gone. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - EVENING Aaron is laying on the couch, looking drained. Ryan comes down the stairs. It looks like he's had some time to recover. He walks over and takes a seat. AARON How's Mom? RYAN She's resting. A beat. RYAN (CONT'D) I've asked Mom to come live with me for awhile. It'll give you and Michelle a chance to breathe a bit, you know. Move and everything. Aaron looks at Ryan, surprised.