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Ed Tv Movie Script

Writer(s) : Emile Gaudreault, Sylvie Bochard

Genres : Comedy

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			ED TV

				by

		Lowell Ganz & Babaloo Mandel



							Sixth Rewrite
							July 16,1997



  This is the first eRelease for the script of the movie "Ed TV"
  This script was scanned, proof read and formatted by Ueli Riegg
  eMail: [email protected]; URL: http://studiour.tsx.org



  1	INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
	The following is shot DOCUMENTARY-STYLE.
	A GIRLS VOLLEYBALL GAME has just ended. It was a big game. Some kind of
	championship.

	ONE TEAM is CELEBRATING -- jumping up and down, squealing and
	hugging each other. We are focused on the bench of the TEAM TRAT
	LOST. They're very sad -- several are crying.
	One girl, in particular, (AMY) is really sobbing. She's sweat-
	stained, tired and just blubbering. Stuff's coming out of her eyes,
	her nose, her mouth and the camera is seeing it all.

	The COACH, a fortyish man looks at all the weeping girls -- Amy in
	particular.

					COACH
			You quit! You gave up!

	He KICKS a CHAIR.

	Now Amy is really a mess. She's crying, coughing, shaking.

					COACH (CONT'D)
				(right in Amy's face)
			You quit!!

	The Coach storms off.

					COACH (CONT'D)
			Qutters! ... Quitters!

	Amy is wailing and choking on her own tears.

	This IMAGE FREEZES.

					TERRY (V.O.)
			And that would be it. I don't
			think you need any narration at
			all. Just end it right there.

	REVEAL


  2	INT. OFFICE - DAY
	BEGIN CREDITS

	We're in New York City. We're in the conference room of a modestly
	successful cable TV station called "Real TV." The people are
	young, energetic, clever. It's crowded, noisy -the furniture is
	beaten up, bulletin boards cover the walls, with large index cards
	all over them.
	This room is not for show -- work gets done here.

	SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE are present. One of them is CYNTHIA REED.
	She's the boss.

					TERRY
				(to Cynthia)
			What do you think?

					CYNTHIA
			It's horrible, it's depressing, I
			love it. What else?

					ALICE
			I want to re-pitch that pregnancy
			idea. Find six women early in their
			pregnancies and follow them all right
			through to the births.

					KEITH
				(negative)
			Yeah, when all that stuff comes
			out.

	Mixed reactions, mostly negative.

					CYNTHIA
			I have an idea.

	IMMEDIATE ATTENTION

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			This is something I've been thinking
			about for a long time. We're "Real
			TV" right? I mean that's the name
			of the station.

	AGREEMENT

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			So let's go real. We find someone.
			Just a regular person, someone. And
			we put their life on television -
			live... all day long.

	Silence. No movement at all.

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			Calm down.

					KEITH
			What do you mean, like PBS did in
			the seventies? What was that
			family?

					GREG
			The Louds.

					KEITH
			Yeah.

					CYNTHIA
			No. We go way beyond that. We
			don't film it and edit it and put
			it on later. We go on the air
			live every morning and the show
			goes off each night, when our
			subject goes to bed. In between,
			we're on live all day, every day -
			the same person, -- for
				(shrugs)
			let's say a month.

	No one is wild for this. Some hate it -- some are unconvinced.

					FELICIA
			That's not a show that's a
			surveillance camera.

					GREG
			You can't do that.

					CYNTHIA
			The hell we can't. Look, the
			beauty of being a cable 
			channel is we can take chances. I've
			thought about this and I'm
			telling you, I think this can
			make a noise. A loud one. There
			are twelve thousand channels.
			You've got to do something that
			says "Look at me!" Hell, people
			look at fish tanks all day. This
			is people!
				(more firmly)
			Someone's real life -- an TV, all day
			long - live... And, you know what?
			I'm doing it.

	Pause. The others know the argument is over.

					GREG
			In that case, we love it.

	END CREDITS


  3	EXT. POOL HALL - DAY
	A BUS passes. On the bus is an ad. It says, "Would you
	like to star in your own TV show? Call Real TV (and a
	phone number) Coming (and a date)."


  4	INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT - PARAMUS NEW JERSEY
	This is a nice upscale pool hall. A party is in progress in a
	special private area -- a room upstairs let's say -- a loft.
	Thirty or forty PEOPLE in their twenties and thirties are
	informally celebrating the engagement of two of their friends.

	It's NOISY, it's fun, it's informal. It's not a high-end group.
	By that we mean, not, for the most part young lawyers or
	stockbrokers. They're mostly blue-collar. Community college
	graduates.

	WE OPEN ON ED PEKURNY. He's an attractive man, about thirty.
	There's still something a little juvenile about him -- not
	stupid, just boyish.

	SOMEONE is VIDEOTAPING HIM for one of those congratulation
	montage things that are done at parties these days. Ed is good
	at this. He's not professional but he's a loosey-goosey guy
	who's kind of good on camera.

					ED
			I want to congratulate
			Kevin and Tracy on their engagement.
			I knew you guys were meant for each
			other from the moment Tracy told us
			she was pregnant.

					TRACY
			You asshole!

	Everyone else is cracking up.

					ED
				(innocently)
			What? What did I say?

					TRACY
			My mother's going to see this!


  5	INT. PARTY - LATER
	Other people are being "interviewed" on tape. Ed is SHOOTING POOL
	with his buddy, JOHN. John's had a couple of drinks. He's a little
	melancholy.

	He is looking across the room, thoughtfully.

					ED
			What?

					JOHN
			Look at this -- people are
			getting married, they're
			getting married...

					ED
			You said that.

					JOHN
			We're falling behind.

	Ed waves dismissively.

					JOHN (CONT'D)
			You know who we are?

					ED
			Tell me.

					JOHN
			We're the guys who clean up after
			the parade.

					ED
			I'm gonna stick this right in your
			eye.

					JOHN
			I was at this comedy club last week
			and this comedian says "If you're over
			thirty and your job requires you to
			wear a name tag, you screwed up your
			life." And I'm laughing and then I
			realize I wear a nametag.

					ED
			So do I. So what? I'm doing all right.

					JOHN
			Your brother's here.

	ANGLE ON THE DOOR

	Ed's brother RAY and Ray's girlfriend SHARI arrive at the party.
	Shari is pretty in an unglamorous kind of way. They both wave and
	then Shari goes off to talk to some of the LADIES and Ray joins Ed
	and John.

					RAY
			What's up?

					ED
			Where were you?

					RAY
				(reluctantly)
			I was... having dinner with Shari
			and her parents.

					JOHN/ED
				(taunting)
			Oooh!

					RAY
			I'm telling you, it's
			closing in on me. All of a sudden
			it's like a thing, it's a whole
			thing.

					ED
			What do you mean all
			of a sudden? You've been going with
			her six months.

					RAY
			I know. I mean I'm sitting there
			and her father's asking me about
			my "career prospects" and I'm
			playing "Risk," with her kid
			brother, Leon and at dinner the
			dog's sniffing at my balls -- at
			least I hope it was the dog.
			'Cause her mother disappeared for
			a while.

	They LAUGH.


  6	INT. PARTY - LATER
	It's getting wild. Some of the girls are dancing raucously.

	ANGLE ON A TABLE (NOT A POOL TABLE, AN EATING-TABLE)

	Ed, Ray, John, Shari and maybe another WOMAN.

	Ray is holding a big tray of SHRIMP BALLS. During the
	conversation, Ray throws them in the air and catches them in
	his mouth like popcorn. Once, he even bounces one off the
	wall into his mouth.

					ED
			You know, those are for everybody.

	Ray waves dismissively, then gets an idea.

					RAY
			Oh!
				(to Shari)
			Show them that thing you can do.
				(to the others)
			This is great. I just found out
			she can do this, her brother told me.
				(to Shari)
			Come on.

					SHARI
				(thinks it's stupid)
			I don't -

					RAY
			Come on...

	She hesitates, but she really doesn't mind. Slightly, amused she
	takes her FIST and fits it completely INTO her MOUTH.

					ED
			Whoa!! Oh!

	Ray is cracking up.

					RAY
			Is that unbelievable?

	She removes her hand.

					SHARI
			And that concludes today's show.
				(to Ray)
			This is where you go around and
			collect the money.

	Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS.

	Shari's roommate RITA sits down.

					RITA
			Hi.

					SHARI
			You guys know my roommate, Rita.

	They do, vaguely.

					ED
			What's going on over there?

					RITA
			Everybody's making
			audition tapes for that Real TV
			thing.

					JOHN
			Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear
			about this?

					ED
				(not sure)
			Yeah, what - they put some schmuck
			on TV all day long or something?

					RAY
			You know, that would be like a great
			thing.

					ED
			What?

					RAY
			That! Being that guy.
			Being the guy they watch.

					ED
			What are you drunk?

					RAY
			Yeah, but let's stay
			on one subject. Whoever that person
			is is going to be famous. They'll be
			able to get whatever they want.
			They'll ... trust me, this is my
			business.

					ED
			What is?!

					RAY
			Show business.

					ED
			You're in show business?

					RAY
			Yeah. I service video equipment.

					ED
			That's like... those people
			stitching Nikes in Panama saying
			they're in the NBA.

					RAY
				(insulted)
			I'm not stitching Nikes in
			Panama! ... Bedwetter!

					ED
			Thumbsucker!

					RAY
			I'm making a tape.

					ED
			We're excited.


  7	INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
	Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders.

					ED
			So Ray met the family.

					SHARI
			Yeah...

					ED
			I hear the dog really liked him.

					SHARI
			Oh, the whole family loved him.
			Of course, they loved the last
			guy I went out with, and he strung
			me along for three years and dumped
			me.

					ED
			Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't
			have any trouble with men. There
			should be, like, a line behind you.

	She takes Ed's beer.

					SHARI
			You shouldn't drink.

	They LAUGH.


  8	INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER
	Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is
	impressed.

					ED
			Jesus!

	Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer.

					SHARI
				(continuing a previous
				conversation)
			And, you know, every guy I ever
			broke up with, the minute it was
			over, I could tell you what went
			wrong, how it went wrong, why it
			had to go wrong... but when I'm
			in it... lost. I'm like a love
			coroner. Bring me the corpse,
			I'11 tell you what killed it.
			But how to prevent it? Lost.

	Ed LAUGHS.

					ED
			Ray's on.

	They walk over.

	ANGLE ON RAY

					RAY
				(to camera)
			Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from
			Paramus, New Jersey...


  9	INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY
	She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and
	cuter than he is.

					RAY (ON TAPE)
			All my friends tell me "Ray, you've
			got too much personality for one guy."
			It's like at a party -- I'm at the
			center of the attention. Everybody
			loves me.

	He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass.
			No really, let me show you my
			girlfriend. She's really cute.

	He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling
	to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on
	it. Ray lets go.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex
			girl. She lifts those
			packages. But she's not dikey at
			all, she's really pretty.

	CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS

	WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space.

	Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA.

					ED
			Hello I'm Ed.

	He starts to sniff.

					ED (CONT'D)
			What smells?

	He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as
	he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray.

					ED (CONT'D)
			What is that smell? Oop, I think
			it's this idea. One person on TV all
			day long?
				(screams)
			Are you nuts?

	WE HEAR LAUGHS

	The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat
	lunch out of styrofoam containers.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Seriously, get your resumes in
			order. When my brother Ray -
			whose personality you were just
			dazzled by -- told me he was
			going to try out for this -- I
			said, "why in the world would
			anyone want to be on TV all day
			long, no privacy, everybody
			knowing your business, exposing
			every single detail of your
			life I mean... why would anyone
			want to do that? But then I
			thought of a reason...
				(loudly)
			Why the hell not?

	He KISSES the LENS, smudging it.

	Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to.


  10    INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
	This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy.
	PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes.

	WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her
	purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her
	TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy
	display and are eating from the boxes.

					MOTHER
			Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God...

	She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she
	thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up.

	Ed appears. He works here.

					ED
				(to the Mom)
			We'11 take care of it.

	Someone arrives with a broom.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(to the broom guy)
			Here. This time throw it out, don't
			eat it.

	LOU, the Manager passes.

					ED
			Lou, can I talk to you a second?

	Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this.

					LOU
			Um, yeah, I was gonna ...

					ED
			What's the deal?
			Did anybody make a decision -

					LOU
			Ed, look, uh... you're not getting
			the job. They're gonna transfer
			someone from another store to manage
			this store when I leave to manage
			the new store. I'm sorry.

					ED
			Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for
			me?

					LOU
			I batted!

					ED
			You batted or you bunted?

					LOU
			Hey. I went as far as I felt
			comfortable. I mean, you know,
			let's face it -- you come and go
			here as you please. You work
			when you feel like it -- you
			know, Bruce Springsteen's
			birthday is not a legal holiday.

					ED
			Well, then I'm quitting.

					LOU
			Ed, come on. What's that gonna do?
			You're gonna bring Blockbuster to
			their knees. Let me recommend a movie
			to you. It's called "Get your shit
			together before it's too late."

					ED
				(wise-ass)
			Who's in it?

					CLERK
			Ed, telephone.

	Ed goes to the phone.

					ED
				(into the phone)
			Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come
			on, no kidding, who is this? ...
			Holy shit!


  11    INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY
	Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier.
	He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good.

					ED
			I had one year of college. And
			then one year of junior college.

					CYNTHIA (O.C.)
			What did you study?

					ED
			Oh, see, studying
			would've been a huge help. Where
			were you, then?

	They LAUGH.

										CUT TO:

  11A   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			Well, there's Ray, my
			brother. He's... ambitious. Like a
			few years ago, he started this
			mobile dog-grooming business. But,
			like, out of his Camry. He had this
			bathtub in his trunk -
				(Ed starts cracking up)
			he's throwing the dogs in there, they're
			fighting and splashing, then he'd
			slam the trunk down, let 'em run
			around inside screaming getting all
			wet... then he'd use the car
			exhaust to dry'em.
				(wiping his eyes)
			Ah, Ray... he just can't get a
			break.

										CUT TO:

  11B   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			My sister -- Marcia, I
			mean she can't get a break. About
			seven years ago she falls in love
			with this Vietnamese guy who wants
			to marry her so he can stay in the
			country. So they get married, they
			have a kid, he gets his citizenship,
			immediately divorces my sister and
			marries this Vietnamese woman who,
			he was probably already married to
			all along. She can pick 'em.
				(pause)
			She's got a nice
			little boy, though. My nephew, Andy.

										CUT TO:

  11C   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			My Mom's okay. Kinda.
			I knew a guy who hated his mother -
			Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so
			much, he had his belly button
			removed.

										CUT TO:

  11D   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			No, I've never been married.

	The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate.
	He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it.

										CUT TO:

  11E   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			Oh, my father -what an asshole. When I was
			twelve, my mother needed a
			hysterectomy -- my father ran
			off with her nurse! And that's
			the last I heard of him.

										CUT TO:

  11F   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			Al, my stepfather he's
			opinionated. And you have to
			listen because he's like in a
			wheelchair.

										CUT TO:

  11G   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			I like my job -- I
			mean I'm doing all right. I'm
			not sure how long I want to stay
			there, you know... I mean, I'm
			thirty-one... I'm not sure I
			want to be a video store clerk
			when I'm forty... Of course, I
			didn't expect to be doing it
			'til I was thirty-one, either.
			But... you know I'm... keeping
			my options open. Anything comes
			along, I'm ready to pounce.
				(growls like a cougar)

								CUT TO:

  11H   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

					ED
			A dream? Of course I have a
			dream I just don't know what
			the hell it is.
				(shrugs and smiles)


	Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on
	his face.

	PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's
	frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the
	people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is
	MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE.
	This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her
	staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal.

					CYNTHIA
			He's who we want to go with.

					SCHARLACH
				(doubtfully)
			This guy.

					CYNTHIA
			I polled my
			staff. The men say they'd hang
			around with him and the women say
			he's fuckable. And one of the men
			said he's fuckable.

					SCHARLACH
			I'm not
			sure about the entire concept.

	Cynthia is frustrated.

					CYNTHIA
			Look it's not like we're 
			burning up the airwaves
			now. We're running neck-and-neck
			with The Gardening Channel. If
			people just tune in to this twice a
			day for five minutes, we're a hit.
			Plus we can sell advertising every
			second, running at the bottom of the
			screen... and the beauty is this guy
			doesn't even have to be good. I mean
			if he's good, great. But if he winds
			up making an ass of himself, better.

					McILVAINE
			How is that better?

					CYNTHIA
			Come on. People cannot turn away
			from an accident. You drive by,
			you say "Ooh, I hope there's not
			a head lying in the road" but you
			look ! See, nobody in America
			wants to be nobody. This guy
			wants to be famous. So,
			basically, the deal is he agrees
			to drive down the highway a
			hundred miles an hour blindfolded
			and we get to see if his head
			winds up rolling down the
			highway. Fun for the whole
			family. So let's do it.

	She stops, waiting for approval.


  12    INT. VIDEO STORE

					SCHARLACH
				(coldly)
			Good luck.

	Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES

	He gets goosed from behind

					RAY (O.C.)
				(very loud and happy)
			Hey...

 
					ED
				(goosed)
			Oh!

	Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari.

					RAY
			I got your message. Way to go!

					ED
			Hi, Shari.
				(to Ray)
			Let's go in the stockroom.


  13    INT. STOCKROOM
	Ed and Ray enter.

					RAY
			So when do you start?

					ED
			I ... I'm not gonna do it.

					RAY
			What?

					ED
			Look -- there's a
			million ways to humiliate yourself -
			I gotta think of a new way? I mean,
			it's all day! Every minute. Id be
			like a monkey at the zoo. I just...

					RAY
				(disgusted)
			Oh man! They
			couldn't pick me! They had to pick
			you!

	He slaps a tape off a shelf.

					ED
			You would do this? You would
			actually --

					RAY
			In a second! In a hot second.
			Let me ask you something --

					ED
			Why do you do that?

					RAY
			What?

					ED
			Whenever you ask me
			something why do you always say "Let
			me ask you something?" Why don't you
			just ask me?

					RAY
				(impatiently)
			All right. Let
			me ask you something... are you
			happy like this?

					ED
			I'm doing all right.

					RAY
			Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here?

	Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there
	quietly, unnoticed by the guys.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			You're
			gonna be a video store clerk for
			the rest of your life? This is your
			big ambition, rearranging the
			"Ernest" movies?

					ED
			Screw off.

					RAY
			How many
			opportunities are you going to
			get in your life?

					ED
			I don't know.

					RAY
			That's right. You
			don't know. Doors don't fly open
			for guys like us.

					ED
			Hey. You know-- we're not the
			same. I got a good life, this
			job suits me. I come and go when
			I please --

					RAY
			Oh, don't bullshit a
			bullshitter. If you're happy like
			this you're an idiot, and you're not
			an idiot.
				(sees Shari)
			Hi.

	Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's
	been caught eavesdropping.

					SHARI
			Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling.
			1 didn't mean to --

					RAY
				(to Ed)
			Give me a chance. I'm begging
			you. I need a break. Look, I'11
			cover your ass. I'11 ride
			shotgun. Just bring those
			cameras over to me and I'11 make
			something happen for both of us.
			I swear. Come on, Eddie

	Pause.

					ED
			All right.

					RAY
			Yeah?!

					ED
			Yeah.

	Ray lifts Ed up.

	Ray kisses Ed.

					RAY
				(to Shari)
			Is this guy a brother?!


  14    INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
	Moderate-priced, restaurant.

	WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy.

	REVEAL THE FAMILY

					AL
			What happens when
			you go to the bathroom? Do they
			go in with you?

	Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an
	oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of
	oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette
	is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed.

					ED
			No. The bathroom is off
			limits -and when I go to sleep they
			go to other programming. Unless I get
			up. Then they go back on the air.
			Unless I get up to go to the
			bathroom, I guess, then -

					AL
			What if--you're vomiting?

					ED
				(amazed by the
				question)
			What if I'm vomiting?

					AL
			Do they show it?

					ED
			I guess -- I don't -- it's all in
			the contract. There's this
			million-page contract --

					RAY
			Look, can we all
			just sign the releases so we can
			get on with this?

					MARCIA
				(accusing, to Ed)
			What happened? You described this
			"crazy-kooky" family who'd be a
			million laughs on TV?

					ED
			No! I barely even
			mentioned -it's just that, my
			friends, the people at work,
			whoever I'm regularly in contact
			with they want releases from.

					MARCIA
				(angrily)
			They're gonna mock our foibles.

					ED
			Our what?

					MARCIA
			Our foibles, our foibles!

					RAY
			We don't have foibles.

					MARCIA
			Everyone has
			foibles. Then the whole country sees
			them on TV and mocks them. Then we
			have... mocked foibles.

					JEANTTE
			Eddie, please
			don't let them mock our foibles.

					ED
				(losing it)
			Stop saying foibles!

					MARCIA
			Look, my life
			is not so great, that I want it
			shown on television. And neither
			is yours.

					RAY
			That's the point -- this could
			change things.

					MARCIA
			How?

					RAY
			For instance... me and my friend
			Bucky are buying out my boss. His
			equipment, trucks, client list, the
			whole shmear.

					MARCIA
				(points to Ed)
			What does that have to do with... ?

					RAY
			If they keep Ed on for one full
			month, he gets a balloon payment.

	Ed nods.

	Pause.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			I borrow 
			against that now, at the bank. Buy
			the business. And Ed becomes a
			silent partner. Now here's the
			beauty part. While we're on TV I
			plug the shit out of the business.
			Free advertising.

					AL
			How about sex?

	A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al.

					ED
			I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's
			not an age thing --

					AL
			No! Do they show you having sex?

					ED
			No. Kissing and
			hugging, okay, but if it's actual
			sex they have to cut away.

					AL
			At what point?

					ED
			At the point -- I
			don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe
			one or two times each. I'11 try to
			avoid I'11 go out of my way to
			avoid, getting together with you.
			Believe me.

	WE HEAR: A loud drilling sound.

								CUT TO:


  15    INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
	A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall.

	Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and
	examining the apartment.

	Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is
	fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed
	and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question.

	SHARI AND ED

	Ed thinks.

	Ed joins Cynthia.

					SHARI
			Are you sure about this?

					ED
			Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of
			making a fool of myself, here.

					SHARI
			Why do it?

					ED
			I saw this show once.
			It was about logging. I was home
			sick, there was nothing else on. Do
			you know how they break up really
			bad log jams? You know, when they're
			really tangled... ?

					SHARI
			Cream rinse?

					ED
				(laughs) 
			Dynamite.

					SHARI
			So?

					ED
			So maybe this is my dynamite.

					SHARI
			Dynamite is dangerous.

					CYNTHIA
			Ed, can I see you a second.

					ED
				(to Shari)
			Excuse me.

					CYNTHIA
			Okay, so you
			understand? We're installing a
			permanent camera in your bedroom,
			one in the kitchen, one in the
			living room, plus, of course,
			there'll always be a couple of
			steady-cams following you.

					ED
				(overwhelmed)
			Cool.

					CYNTHIA
			I want you to take this.

	She gives him a card.

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			That has my work number, my home
			number, my pager number. I sleep
			three hours a night. Call me
			whenever you want to talk. Off the
			air, on the air, whenever. Okay?

					ED
				(barely listening)
			Um, yeah -- thanks.

	Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this.

					CYNTHIA
			Now look. Don't
			freeze up on me. I picked you
			because you had kind of a relaxed,
			go-with-the-flow quality. You're not
			going to lose that, are you?

					ED
			No, uh...

					CYNTHIA
			I bet my career on you. You'd
			better be good.

					ED
				(annoyed)
			Don't say that. That's like...
			telling a guy before you have sex
			you'd better be good. You don't do
			that.

					CYNTHIA
			I do.

	Ed reacts.

					ED
			Oh.


  16    INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
	He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of
	the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him.

					ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
			Tomorrow morning, the cable 
			channel known
			as Real TV, begins broadcasting
			one of the most heavily promoted
			concepts in the history of cable
			television. In an experiment that
			they say will last at least a month.
			They're going to follow -- live -
			every waking minute of a thirty-one
			year old video store clerk from
			Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV
			press release on this promises that
			none of it will be scripted, none of
			it will be edited and in my opinion,
			none of it will be interesting. we're
			all just supposed to sit in front of
			our TV's and watch this guy... live.
				(rhymes with "give")

					ANCHOR
				(to the Entertainment Reporter)
			What would be the interest here?
			What would... get people to tune in?

					ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
			Betas me.

					SIDEKICK
			I don't know. I might check it out.

					ANCHOR
			Well, Len's
			here to check out sports. Len,
			would you watch this video clerk?

					LEN
			I'd sooner watch soccer.

	They all CRUCKLE.


  17    INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
	She's watching the same show. She's edgy.
	She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES.

	TV SCREEN

					LEN
			Speaking of disasters, at the
			Meadowlands tonight...

	The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera.

	FADE TO BLACK

								FADE IN:

  18    INT. CONTROL TRUCK
	Written on the screen -- "Day one."

	A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment.

					ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
			Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven-


  19    INT. REAL TV - OFFICES
	Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin
	They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on.


  20    INT. TRUCK


  21    INT. OFFICE

					A.D.
			two... one.

	On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears.

	A CRAWL BEGINS

	It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It
	is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny."

	The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS
	and he wakes up.

	He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his
	balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal 
	morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his
	bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his
	balls. Gently, he moves his hand away.


  22    INT. OFFICE

					KEITH
				(mock cheerful)
			Well, we're off to a great start.

	NOTE: The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see
	about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we
	will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is
	CARLOS.


  23    INT. BEDROOM
	Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is
	sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair.

					ED
			Oh, great.

	He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse
	for his appearance, but, then, just moves on.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Excuse me.

	He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom.


  24    INT. OFFICE
	They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She
	doesn't flinch.
	NOTE: Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen.


  25    INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER
	Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his
	face.

	Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to
	be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his
	natural charm.

	He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does,
	other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's
	embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass
	to the camera.


  26    INT. OFFICE

					GREG
				(to Cynthia)
			Start clearing a place for your Emmy.


  27    INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER
	Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and
	a bowl of cereal.

					ED
				(nervously)
			Same people like
			to put the milk in first and then
			the cereal. I like to put in the
			milk first - I mean the cereal first
			and then the milk. Yeah, that's it.
			Now, watch this.

	He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the
	knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the
	banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's
	proud of this.


  28    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's
	horrified by how bad Ed is.


  29    INT. PARENTS' HOUSE
	Jeanette and Al watching Ed.

					JEANETTE
				(being positive)
			So far...


  30    INT. OFFICE

					KEITH
			Somebody shoot me.


  31    INT. NETWORK OFFICE
	Scharlach, Seaver and McIlvaine watching, grim-faced.


  32    INT. OFFICE
	Cynthia is ON the PHONE.

					CYNTHIA
			Get him out of the house! I want
			him moving!


  33    INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					DIRECTOR
				(on the phone)
			Hey, I want him dead, but what can
			I do.


  34    INT. KITCHEN
	Ed is EATING. He peers confused at the camera.

	ANGLE ON

	CAMERA OPERATORS. They're signaling Ed to get out.

	ANGLE ON ED

	Bewildered, imitating their gestures.

					ED
			What... You want me to swim?


  35    INT. CONTROL TRUCK
	The Director is still on the phone. She's watching Ed on a
	monitor.

					DIRECTOR
			Oh God...

	Ed gets it.

					ED
			Oh, out? You want me to go out.


  36    EXT. BUILDING
	Ed exits the building with the Operators walking backwards in front
	of him, bumping into PEOPLE- People watch, curiously.

	Ed reaches his car. He takes out his keys and drops them in a muddy
	puddle. Disgusted, he fishes them out.

								CUT TO:

  36A   INT. NETWORK BUILDING
	Scharlach, watching impassively.

								CUT TO:

  36B   INT. ED'S CAR
	Ed, in the car. He can barely fit the key into the ignition. Carlos,
	in the passenger seat taps him on the arm. Ed looks up. Carlos holds
	up a hastily-made sign. "It's okay. Relax, man." Carlos WINKS. This
	does help Ed. He appreciates it. He drives.

	WE SEE the control truck in motion. We also see another car
	with another Steady-cam OPERATOR, shooting Ed's car as they
	travel.


  37    EXT. STREET - MONTAGE
	Ed is doing his morning errands. A little shopping -- a little
	banking -- always ON CAMERA. At one point, he WALKS INTO a
	GLASS DOOR with the word "Pull" on it. He pushed, 
	banging his forehead. A CHILD points to the word "Pull." Ed turns
	to the camera, embarrassed. Later he buys a slice of pizza at a
	little place that's doing no business.

					ED
				(to the camera)
			Best pizza in New Jersey.

	As he walks down the street, PEOPLE call out "Hey Ed!" People
	in windows show him that they're watching him at that exact
	moment.

	The camera shoots some of the people in the windows. They see
	themselves on TV and they go wild. Ed also is confronted by
	GUYS grabbing their crotches mockingly, calling out things
	like "Hey, Ed, holding your own?" or "Hey, Ed, howls the grand
	ballroom." Ed is slightly chagrined by all this, but handles
	it with good grace. He seems to be loosening up.


  38    INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
	Ed arrives at work. The store is already open. (Ed usually
	gets there in the afternoon and stays until closing.)
	CUSTOMERS are a little stunned by the arrival of a camera.
	Some know what it's about some don't.

	The CLERKS are aware of what's going on. They all signed
	releases. Ed's BOSS greets him stiffly. Clearly he's trying
	to get face-time on camera.

					ED
			Hey, Lou.

					LOU
				(stiffly)
			Welcome to work, Ed.

	He shakes Ed's hand and smiles at the camera. He WAVES a little.

	The BROOM GUY crosses, staring transfixed at the camera. He
	blocks Ed and Lou. He FREEZES, then panics. He tries to get
	out of the way and trips over his broom. He tumbles face-first
	into the camera lens, hurting himself.

	ANGLE ON ED, observing.

					ED
				(mutters)
			Oh, Jesus, I'm dying.


  39    INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					DIRECTOR
			Carlos, give him some air, give him
			some room. Use a longer lens. We'11
			mostly go with the stationary cameras
			in here. Less intrusive.
				(to the crew in the truck,
				sarcastically)
			Have any of you
			thought about your next career?


  40    INT. A KITCHEN - SAME TIME
	A WOMAN is serving dinner. She's watching Ed on TV -- really just
	glancing at it. Her HUSBAND is helping her bring the food to the
	table.

					HUSBAND
			Why are we watching this?

					WIFE
				(a little guilty)
			No reason. just... I just want to
			see what happens.

					HUSBAND
			Nothing's gonna happen. He's just...
			working.

					WIFE
			Oh, come on, they
			wouldn't put it on if nothing was
			gonna happen.

	He changes the channel. She changes it back. He doesn't get it
	at all.

	RAPID CUTS of VARIOUS PEOPLE around America, watching -- A couple, a
	young guy, a woman alone -- ending with a few college-age girls in what
	appears to be a dorm room.

	ONE GIRL is watching intently. Her roommates are mostly just
	hanging around not really watching.

					COLLEGE GIRL
			I think he's cute.

	one of her roommates glances over to see what she's so excited
	about.


  41    EXT. STREET - NIGHT
	Ed is walking. He passes the little pizza place he touted earlier.
	There's a LINE out into the street. The STOREOWNER is working hard -
	- deliriously happy. Ed passes, oblivious to what he's created.


  42    INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
	The Camera Operator is shooting Ed in the bathroom CLIPPING his
	TOENAILS

					ED
			Some guys work from
			the big toe down to the little toe.
			Not me. I save the big one for
			last. That's the one I really
			enjoy. It's thick, it's big, it's
			a challenge. Did you ever see old
			people's nails?
				(makes a disgusted
				noise)


  43    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray and Shari watching Ed. Ray is BANGING HIS HEAD on the table.

					RAY
			This is not working.
				(to Ed on TV)
			Come to me!


  44    INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - NIGHT
	It's late. She's alone. She's ON the PHONE. She's coming apart.

					CYNTHIA
				(into phone)
			No, I haven't seen the spot
			ratings...
				(she winces)

	As she talks, she tries to LIGHT a CIGARETTE. She's shaking too
	much to use her lighter.

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
				(into phone)
			I think that's a number 
			from which we can hopefully, uh...
			build...

	ANGRY at her lighter, she throws it breaking a window.

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			I disagree... No, I am not ready
			to pull the plug... Yes, Mr.
			Scharlach, I know they shoot
			horses...
				(getting angry)
			Look, it's been one day. Can I have
			a week with this and then have
			you fly up my nose?!
				(hangs up)

	She immediately regrets her outburst.


  45    INT. BAR - NIGHT
	Written on the screen -- "Day Two."

	OPEN ON TURTLES racing (as only turtles can) across the floor.
	The turtles have little plastic men, seated on their backs.
	The CROWD CHEERS and SCREAMS for their favorite turtles. Ed is
	being followed by the steady-cams but seems to be ignoring it.

	Ed is in a group which includes John, and Ray. The race ends
	John looks very uncomfortable.

					BARTENDER
			The winner... Dashing Danny.

	Ed wins. MONEY changes hands.

					ED
			Next round's on me.

	One of the cameras is very close to John. He's very
	SELFCONSCIOUS. He doesn't look where he's walking. He
	trips. PEOPLE LAUGH.

					ED
				(off-hand joke)
			Polish acrobat.

					RAY
				(loudly)
			Hey. Check this out.
				(to the cameramen)
			Look at this.

	Ray TAKES OUT a big stack of QUARTERS and sets them on the bar next
	to a SHOT GLASS


  46    INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					DIRECTOR
			Go with the desperate brother.


  47    INT. BAR
	The cameras go with Ray. Ray does a "spit the quarters off the bar
	into the shot glass" trick, while PEOPLE CHEER.

	Ed is standing next to Shari. They're OFF-CAMERA.

					ED
			Whoa, God bless Ray.
			First time I'm off-camera in two
			days. This is hard, you know? I'm,
			like, exhausted.

	ANGLE ON RAY

	He's BALANCING a BAR STOOL on his forehead.

	ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

					SHARI
				(calmly)
			He did that at my parents' house.

	ANGLE ON RAY

	As Ray drones on...

					RAY
				(selling hard to the
				camera)
			Okay, I just wanted to get your
			attention. My name is Ray and my
			friend Bucky and I design video
			systems. You've got an office or
			a big home, we'11 come out there
			design you an entire system.

	ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

					ED
			See, they should've
			picked him. Look how comfortable
			he is out there.

	ANGLE ON RAY

					SHARI
			He is so wound up. He bought all
			new clothes for this.

	He flips the BAR STOOL and catches it. He accepts the plaudits of
	the crowd. He returns to Ed and Shari. So do the cameras. Ray is
	fired-up.

					RAY
			Whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass!

	Ray is still full of energy.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			Hey, Ed. Did you hear about
			Marcia?

					ED
				(worried)
			No. What happened?

					RAY
				(to the camera)
			That's our sister.
				(to Ed)
			She's got a new boyfriend.

	AL AND JEANETTE

	Watching TV.

					JEANETTE
			Who?

	BACK TO BAR

					RAY
			He's living with her!

					ED
				(camera-conscious)
			Ray, maybe this isn't ...

					RAY
			No, this is great.
				(to the camera)
			You'll love this.
				(to Ed)
			He's a singer.

					ED
			Marcia's living with a singer?

								CUT TO:

					RAY
			Yeah. You know,
			piano bars. plays the piano
			and sings. That's how they met.

					SHARI
			He sang to her and they fell in
			love?

					RAY
				(enjoying this)
			No! Some drunk
			hit him over the head with his
			snifter -- you know, that thing they
			keep on the piano for tips -- and
			Marcia yanked a big hunk of glass
			out of his head.
				(cracks up, pounds the
				table)


  48    INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT
	Marcia is staring at the TV in UNHAPPY SHOCK. Next to her is a good-
	looking, but slightly sleazy-looking GUY with a bandage on his
	head.


  49    INT. BAR

					RAY
			I mean my question
			is what was she doing in a bar in
			the first place?

					ED
			Ray --

					RAY
			She's an alcoholic,
			for Christ's sake.

					ED
			Oh, Jesus.

	Marcia, watching, HORRIFIED.

	BACK TO BAR

					RAY
			Remember the
			last guy she got involved with?
			What was his name?

					ED
			What's the dif --

					RAY
			Richie!
				(to Shari)
			She spent six months dating a criminal

					ED
				(to Shari)
			She didn't know he was a
			criminal. They had a
			relationship. They --

					RAY
			"Quick pull off the highway" is
			not a relationship. Oh man, I
			gotta pee.

	He KISSES Shari. She COVERS her FACE with her hand.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			What are you, hiding from the
			Police?
				(pulls her hands down)
			Show your face, you look great.
				(to Ed)
			Doesn't she look great.

					ED
			Great.

					RAY
				(to Ed)
			While I'm gone, tell them about
			our cousin Lenny who's gay. We
			knew from when he was five.

	He minces off' effeminately, to the bathroom, LAUGHING. It's
	like a hurricane has just passed through. Everyone is sitting,
	STUNNED.

					ED
			You do though, you look great.

					SHARI
			Right.

					ED
			No, no, I -- as soon as you came
			in tonight I said to John, "Boy
			Shari looks beautiful." I said
			it on TV so you can ask anybody
			who saw it.

	She LAUGHS. They smile at each other. They make intermittent
	eye-contact a little self-consciously.

	Ed finally looks somewhere else and Shari, for just a moment,
	stares right at him.

	PULL BACK to TWO GUYS, watching this on TV in a bar -- more of
	a neighborhood bar.


  50    INT. BAR - NIGHT

					TAD
			Did you see that?

					BARRY
			What?

					TAD
			Her. That look. She likes the
			Ed guy better than she likes the
			brother.

					BARRY
			You're nuts.

					TAD
			Okay, I'm nuts.


	CUTS OF OTHER VIEWERS, 

	WATCHING REAL TV

	A BEDROOM

	The COUPLE we met earlier are in bed, the wife is holding the
	remote.

					HUSBAND
			Give me the remote.

					WIFE
			Just a few more minutes. Read
			your book.

	A LIVING ROOM

	A GAY COUPLE

					FIRST GUY
			What do you like about it? I
			don't understand.

					SECOND GUY
			I don't know -- it just
			it's I don't know. Just let
			me watch.


  51    INT. ED'S BEDROOM - MORNING
	"DAY THREE"

	The ALARM goes off. Ed starts to scratch his balls, but stops
	halfway down. He WINKS at the camera and starts his day.


  52    EXT. EWS BUILDING
	Ed comes outside and he's accosted by a GROUP of angry Polish
	Americans, many of whom are carrying signs decrying Polish
	jokes and anti-Polish attitudes. They SCREAM ANGRILY when they
	see Ed. Ed is completely shocked. He runs back inside. He
	locks the door, leaving Carlos outside. The demonstrators
	attack Carlos.


  53    INT. ED'S APARTMENT
	Ed is at his kitchen table with several burly DEMONSTRATORS
	arrayed behind him. Ed is NERVOUSLY, READING from a sheet of
	paper while Carlos shoots.

					ED
			... my "Polish acrobat" remark
			was ill-considered. Although, I
			meant no harm, I should have
			recognized that such
				(trouble with the next
				word)
			stigmatizing remarks bring pain
			and anguish to...

	He's having trouble reading the next word.

					ED (CONT'D)
			I can't read my own writing.
			It's like Chinese --
				(quickly backtracking)
			It's not like Chinese! Chinese
			is, I'm sure, a beautiful
			language and they write ...
			beautifully. It's not Chinese.

	He wipes sweat away.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Jesus, I'm sweating like a
			Mexican fruit-picker.
				(realizes)
			Oh, Christ!

	QUICK CUTS of Ed, getting his laundry, doing some shopping,
	getting his oil changed, all being shot by a CAMERA PERSON.


  54    INT. DENTAL OFFICE
	A YOUNG DENTAL HYGIENIST is cleaning Ed's teeth. The camera is
	practically right in his mouth. It's making the Hygienist
	NERVOUS. She's distracted. She hurts Ed. He SCREAMS. She
	SCREAMS. She drops her tools.

					HYGIENIST
				(near hysterics)
			Can I have some room please?!

					ED
				(talking with the
				suction in his mouth)
			Gi hu roo.


  55    INT. TV STUDIO
	It's an educational-type panel discussion involving various
	eggheads and pundits. It's called "Viewpoint."

					MODERATOR
			Let's change topics for a moment.
			Does anybody have a viewpoint on
			something going on now called "Ed
			TV".

					PANEL MEMBER #1
			This, I believe, is a new low
			point in American culture.

					PANEL MEMBER #2
			I agree. What it reveals is the
			absolute creative bankruptcy in
			the television business. What
			they're saying, basically, is
			"We're giving up. We have no
			ideas."

					PANEL MEMBER #3
			It's worse than that! They don't
			select someone with any talent,
			or with something to say -- they
			seem to celebrate the fact that
			this guy is a boob. It's a
			joyous celebration of boobery.

					PANEL MEMBER #4
			I think we've already spent far
			too much time discussing this.

	They all agree.


  56    INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
	OPEN ON Ray with chopsticks up his nose, imitating a walrus.
	Also, he has lo mein noodles protruding from between his lips.
	Ed is forcing a smile. Ray is wearing a tee-shirt that says
	"Ray and Bucky- Video Kings" with a phone number.


  57    INT. REAL TV OFFICE
	Cynthia is alone working late. She's drinking. She's watching
	Ray. She's not enjoying him.

					ED (V.O.)
			Ray, don't throw the shrimp,
			you're gonna choke again.

					CYNTHIA
			Choke to death, you boring
			bastard.


  58    INT. EWS BEDROOM - NIGHT
	Ed is sitting up in bed, wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, eating
	directly out of a cereal box.

					TERRY
			The audience likes you when
			you're moving.

					ALICE
			Yes. Try not to stay in one
			place too long. Get outside as
			much as you can.

					KEITH
			Also, we have some notions. Have
			you thought about becoming a Big
			Brother?

					GREG
			Or coaching a Little League team?

					FELICIA
			How about a date?

					ED
			Are you asking me?

					FELICIA
			No, I mean...

					KEITH
			It's just, the ratings are still
			soft.

	LONG PAUSE

					ED
				(nervously)
			Are you going to cancel me?

					CYNTHIA
			Let's not worry about that vet.

					ALICE
			You're testing well.

					FELICIA
			There's another problem.

					GREG
			It's ... Ray.

					ED
			What about Ray?

					GREG
			Well, the walrus impression -
			delightful as it was -- is just
			not wowing the audience. This is
			some audience research.

	He hands Ed a PRINTOUT. Ed doesn't know how to interpret the
	figures.

					ED
			What does this mean?

					FELICIA
			It means they hate his freaking
			guts. It means if he were on
			fire they wouldn't put him out.

					ED
			He's just ... trying a little too
			hard --

					CYNTHIA
			Ed, the audience can smell the
			desperation coming through the
			screen.

					TERRY
			Could you... see him a little
			less often?

					ED
			How much less?

					FELICIA
			Never would be plenty.

					ED
			I can't do that to him. He's
			pushing a little too hard -
			but... I just can't do that to
			him.

	SILENCE

					ED (CONT'D)
			He'11 be fine.


  59    INT. CAR - DAY
	"DAY FIVE"

	Ed is driving slowly on a busy street. Suddenly an 
	EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD BOY lands heavily on Ed's windshield. Ed is badly
	startled. He can't see. He swerves and stops. The boy is not
	hurt. He's banging on the windshield, waving at the camera.
	Ed, furious, gets out.


  60    EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

					ED
			What the --?!

					BOY
			I'm on TV! I'm on TV!

	Ed just stares in disbelief.


  61    EXT. STREET - LATER
	Ed is walking. PEOPLE YELL at him.

					GUY
			Ed! Your show stinks!

	The Guy LAUGHS like he really got in a good one. Ed ignores him.

	TWO TEENAGERS run in, one has a camera and quickly snaps a
	picture of Ed and the other Guy. Merrily, they shake his hand
	and run off, whooping.

	There are PEOPLE who trail along. Many of them will show up
	again and again, throughout the movie, following Ed. Some of
	them will look mentally or emotionally impaired.


  62    INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
	QUICK SHOTS of Ed with CUSTOMERS - One or two show a bit of
	camera-consciousness. A little group has gathered to observe
	Ed's "show".


  63    INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY- NIGHT
	Ed rings the bell.

					ED
				(to the camera)
			This is Ray's apartment. Ray's
			got a big-screen TV and the
			Knicks are playing in L.A.
			tonight, so sometimes I come over
			after I work late and we watch
			the game here. He makes funny
			comments. He's really a good
			guy. He just...

					RAY (O.C.)
			Who is it?

					ED
			It's me, Ed.

	The door opens a crack, revealing Ray in a bathrobe. Ray's
	look is unwelcoming.

					RAY
			Hi.

					ED
			You watching the ballgame?

					RAY
			Uh, no, uh I'm a little tired.
			I fell asleep.

					ED
			Oh. All right. I'11 watch at
			home, then.

					RAY
			Yeah...

					WOMAN (O.C.)
			Ray, where do you keep the
			glasses?

					ED
			Oh, is Shari here? Why didn't
			you just say so? Why are you
			giving me a song-and-dance about
			being tired?

					ED (CONT'D)
				(calls out)
			Hi, Shari.

					WOMAN (O.C.)
			Who's Shari?

					ED
			Who's --

	Ray looks pained. Ed realizes what's happening and freezes
	Ray's phone RINGS.

					RAY
			Oh shit...

	He turns to answer his phone, allowing the door to swing open
	a little. Ed can see into the kitchen. He sees a WOMAN,
	wearing just panties, facing away from him, searching for
	glasses.

					RAY
				(into phone)
			Hello... Shari, hi... Oh no! ...
			Oh God!

					ED
				(to the camera)
			We'd better go...

	RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS loving this, some screaming "Don't go!,
	don't leave, stay" etc.

	BACK TO SCENE

					RAY
				(into phone)
			No, honey, it's not what it looks
			like--

	She hangs up on him. He holds his head.

					RAY
			Oh God ... Ed!


  64    INT. HALLWAY
	Ed is TIP-TOEING away. He stops when Ray calls him. Ray 'runs
	out into the hallway after him. They speak with lowered
	voices.

					RAY
			That was Shari. She saw the
			whole thing on TV--

					ED
			What is this? What's going on,
			who is that?

					RAY
				(embarrassed)
			It's the receptionist at one of
			the places I service video
			equipment -- she's very pretty
			and, you know, she never even
			talks to me and then today I come
			in and she's all "I saw you on TV
			the other night... You were so
			great ... " Next thing I know
			we're ...

					ED
			Next thing you know! Why didn't
			you stop?

					RAY
			Stop? I'm a guy. I don't stop.
			The woman's supposed to stop.
			We're the gas, they're the
			brakes.

					WOMAN (O.C.)
				(calls out)
			Ray, I finished the Snapple.

					RAY
			Fine!

					WOMAN (O.C.)
			Is there more?

					RAY
			In the cabinet, but it's warm.
			There's ice in the tray. I 
				(to Ed)
			Talk to her.

					ED
			I don't even know her. All I
			know is she likes Snapple.

					RAY
			No, not her. Shari. Go over
			there and talk to her


  65    INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM

					CYNTHIA
			Yes! Go!

	She THROWS SOMETHING at the screen.

	She PICKS UP the PHONE.


  66    INT. HALLWAY

					ED
			Why me?

					RAY
			You brought the cameras here!

					ED
			You brought the girl!

					RAY
			Please!

					ED
			If I go over to Shari, the
			camera's going there, too.

	The Camera Operators are vigorously nodding and mouthing "Yes, Go."
	Ray is oblivious to this, but Ed picks it up.

					RAY
			That's good. She'11 -- you know
			control herself. Look. If I go
			over there, she's just gonna slam
			the door on me. Just go over and
			beg her to talk to me, that's
			all. Please. You owe me for
			this!

	Ed accepts the irony of Ray's attitude without comment


  67    INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY- NIGHT
	The door opens, revealing RITA, Shari's roommate.

					RITA
				(nervously)
			Um... Shari knew you were coming
			over because she saw ...

					ED
			Right, yeah --

					RITA
				(apologetic)
			She really doesn't want you and
			the camera in here right now.

					ED
			No, I understand. That's -
			where is she, is she all right?

	Rita isn't sure how much she should reveal.

					RITA
			I ... gave her a drink. I thought
			it ... but she's not much of a
			drinker, so it's made her a
			little... belligerent.

	Shari appears in the doorway over Rita's shoulder. she's
	holding a liquor bottle and she's a little drunk.

					SHARI
			What do you want?!

					ED
				(awkward)
			Shari, I'm just really sorry.
			Look, I know this is...
			unbelievably awkward, but if I
			could come in for like a second
			and -- you know -- just say...
			two words, then...

	Shari indicates with her head, that Ed can come in.

	Ed and Carlos enter. Rita shuts the door. Shari crosses to a
	couch. Ed indicates for Carlos to give them some distance.


  68    INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					DIRECTOR
			Don't lose them, Carlos. This is
			gold. Stay out of their way, but
			get everything.


  69    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	Carlos settles across the room. He rests the camera down as if
	he's not even shooting, but he's still guiding it where he
	wants it throughout the scene.

					RITA
			I'm gonna go to bed.
				(to Shari)
			You okay?

	Shari shrugs.

					RITA (CONT'D)
			Good night. 

	She gives the camera a quick glance.

					RITA (CONT'D)
				(quickly, with a small
				wave)
			Hi, Mom.
				(she exits)

					ED
			Shari, Ray feels --

					SHARI
				(starting to cry)
			Don't defend that horse's ass to
			me.

					ED
			I'm not. I'm not. I'm just
			Look -- you know, in a way, it's
			good. He got this out of his
			system now and he knows it's
			not worth it and, you know,
			someday if you guys got married
			or something --

					SHARI
			Ha!

					ED
			Okay ...

					SHARI
				(poking Ed as she
				talks)
			I've got news for you-- I never
			intended to marry him.

					ED
			Oh... how come?


  70    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray, watching on TV.


  71    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT

					SHARI
			Well, for one thing, he's a bad
			lay.


  72    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	His eyes bulge out and he begins to gasp.

	RAPID SHOTS of viewers reacting-- "Whoa!" laughs, etc. The
	college girls applauding. one of them SCREAMS "Tell it!"


  73    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	Ed realizes that Ray's been called a "bad lay" on television.

					ED
			Oh my God.

					SHARI
				(directly into the
				camera)
			I mean bad.

					ED
			Look, not having been there... I
			just think you're hurt and you're
			saying this to, you know, get
			back at him.

	She starts to cry.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Look... whether you get back
			together or not, you're too
			terrific a person to... lower
			yourself like this.


  74    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray, still in shock.


  75    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT

					ED (CONT'D)
			I mean, I told Ray -- a couple of
			times -- that I thought you were
			one of the best and ... smartest
			and... most attractive women
			I've ever seen so...

	In comforting her, he's gotten his face very close to hers.


  76    INT. DORMITORY
	Same dorm girls as before.

					DORM GIRL
			Kiss him! Kiss him!

	BACK TO SCENE

					SHARI
			Really?

					ED
			Yeah.

	She tilts her head forward a little, hesitates, then kisses
	him, at first warmly, then passionately.


  77    INT. DORM ROOM
	The girls are going wild-- SCREECHING.


  78    INT. TAD'S HOUSE

					TAD
			I'm nuts, hah?! I knew it! I
			said!

	He dials the phone.


  79    INT. JOHN'S HOUSE
	John is stunned.

					JOHN
			Oh, Jesus!


  80    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	He stares, amazed.

	The WOMAN he was found with appears behind him.

					WOMAN
			I found the Snapple.


  81    INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM
	She sees the kiss.

					CYNTHIA
			Yes! Yes! I win! Scharlach,
			you schmuck! I am the golden
			goddess of television!

	She begins beating her chest, one fist at a time while she
	SCREAMS in triumph.


  82    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	Shari and Ed have stopped kissing. They both look stunned.
	Shari is suddenly sober.

					SHARI
			Oh my God.

	She looks at Carlos who has now moved closer to them

					SHARI (CONT'D)
			Oh my God.

					ED
			It's... okay

					SHARI
			I kissed my boyfriend's brother
			on television!

					ED
			Well, when you put it that way.

					SHARI
			Leave. Go.

					ED
			Can't we just --

					SHARI
			Go!

					ED
				(exiting)
			All right. Okay. I'11 ... see
			you.

	He and Carlos exit. Going through the door, he gives Carlos a
	little push then quickly steps back inside, slams the door and
	locks it.


  83    INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					CARLOS (V.O.)
			I'm locked out.

					DIRECTOR
			Stay calm. Shoot the door.
			We're running sound. And we've
			got a camera in the street.


  84    EXT. BUILDING
	A CAMERA is shooting at a second-story window. We SEE
	SILHOUETTES.


  85    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	Ed is at the door. Shari is across the room. They stare at
	each other silently. Then they run to each other. They kiss
	again.


  86    EXT. BUILDING
	We can SEE them KISSING...


  87    INT. APARTMENT
	Ed and Shari are all over each other. They're breathless.

					SHARI
			What are we doing?

					ED
			I've got to tell you something.
			I have had a big thing for you
			for months.

	INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF VIEWERS

	They're seeing the door or the silhouette shot, but they're
	hearing every word. They're mesmerized.

					SHARI
			Really?
  
					ED
			Yeah. I mean for months I've
			been seeing you with Ray you
			being his girlfriend and I
			kept wishing you were my
			girlfriend... But, you know, what
			could I do?

					SHARI
			Me too. I mean I'm going out
			with Ray and I'm... thinking
			about you.

					ED
			Really?

					SHARI
			Oh God, this is so weird.

					ED
			Weird? If this happened last
			month it would've been weird.
			Now with... the TV and... now
			it's just too weird.

	They look at each other. They don't know what to do.

					ED (CONT'D)
			I'd better go.

	She nods. He walks to the door.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Once more?

	She nods. They run back to each other and kiss.


  88    EXT. BUILDING
	The silhouettes are kissing.


  89    INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray staring at the TV.


  90    EXT. PRIVATE HOME - LATER
	"DAY SIX"

	This is a fairly old, modest private home. Ed pulls up. He
	and Carlos get out of the car. Ed hurries up to the front door
	and enters.


  91    INT. HOME - CONTINUOUS
	Ed enters. He's a little AGITATED

	ANGLE ON AL
					ED
			Hi, Al.

	Al is in his wheelchair and taking periodic hits off an oxygen
	mask connected to a tank. Al's watching himself on TV.

					AL
				(excited)
			Look. It's me.

	He WAVES.

					ED
			Yeah. I brought you some movies.

					AL
			Anything good?

	They LAUGH.

					ED
			No, I intentionally picked out a
			lot of crap 'cause I don't like
			you.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Is Mom here? I gotta talk to
			her.

					AL
			She's in the kitchen. I'd yell
			for her, but I'd die.
				(sucks more oxygen)
			You had a busy night last night.

					ED
				(calls)
			Yeah. Ma...

					JEANETTE (O.C.)
			Eddie? ...

					ED
			Yeah?

					JEANETTE (O.C.)
			Are the TV people with you?

					ED
			Yeah. The camera guy is here.

					JEANETTE (O.C.)
			Send him away.

					ED
			Send him? Ma, I can't.
			it's -- just come out here.
			Please, I --

					JEANETTE (O.C.)
			No.

					ED
			Do you want us to come in the
			kitchen?

					JEANETTE (O.C.)
			No. It's a mess.

					ED
			Look, Ma, come on out. Really.
			I need to talk to you.

	After a pause, Jeanette enters, very camera-conscious.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(to the camera)
			This is my mother.

	STIFFLY, he gives her a kiss.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Ma, do you know where Ray is?
			I've been calling him and I'm
			getting his machine and --

					JEANETTE
			Eddie, how could you do it? Your
			brother's girlfriend.

					ED
			Hey, he cheated on her.

					JEANETTE
			He made a mistake.

					ED
			I don't want to -- do you know
			where he is?

					JEANETTE
			No. Maybe he's watching.
				(indicates the camera)
			Tell him you're sorry. Tell him
			you'11 stay away from that girl.

					ED
			No! And that girl has a name.

					AL
			What do you love her or
			something?

					ED
				(embarrassed)
			Come on...

					AL
				(teasing)
			Look at your face. I had a car
			that color.

	VARIOUS REACTIONS OF VIEWERS really liking this.

	BACK TO SCENE

					JEANETTE
			I know you. This Shari is a
			passing fancy.

					ED
			No! I -- All right,
			look, if you hear from Ray.... tell
			him to call me, okay?

	He KISSES her again.

					ED (CONT'D)
			How's Marcia? She all right?

					JEANETTE
			I don't know.
			She's living with that
			"entertainer"...

					ED
				(trying to make his
				mother feel better)
			Well, who knows? Maybe she
			finally picked a winner this
			time.

					JEANETTE
				(unconvinced)
			Mm.

					ED
			You and Al lived together a few
			months before you got married --
			after Dad left.

					JEANETTE
				(looks at the TV)
			Oh my God!

					ED
			I mean, that worked out.

					JEANETTE
			Oh my God!!

	She gets in the closet and closes the door.


  92    INT. OFFICE

					ED
				(to the camera)
			I think we're through here.

	The Real TV group is there.
	They're smiling. Cynthia is ON the PHONE

					CYNTHIA
				(into phone)
			I will. I'11 tell them.
				(hangs up)
			That was Scharlach. All of you,
			scrub your asses. He's coming
			over to kiss them.

	They all WHOOP and LAUGH.


  93    INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - DAY
	Shari and Rita are watching Ed leave his parents house on TV.
	Rita is very excited. Shari is ON the PHONE.

					SHARI
				(into phone)
			Um, I'd like to get a new phone
			number, please... Because I'm
			getting calls from every nut case
			in America... Right, unlisted...
			Sure.
				(she holds)

					RITA
			Aren't you excited? He said he
			loved you on television!

					SHARI
			He didn't say it. His stepfather
			said it.

					RITA
				(joking)
			Well, the stepfather's cute...
			Seriously, how do you feel about
			Ed?

	Pause.

					SHARI
			I think he's great. He just
			makes me feel... oh, I'm really
			gonna get hurt, this time - Hello ...

	CUTS OF VARIOUS VIEWERS WATCHING REAL TV

	End on TAD and BARRY in a health club. This is the refreshment
	area. They've played racquetball and they're sweaty. They're
	watching Real TV.

					TAD
			I'11 tell you something else.
			The old guy in the wheelchair?
			The stepfather? They're gonna
			have him die.

					BARRY
			What do you mean "they're gonna
			have him die?"

					TAD
			You know, for a tearjerker. The
			audience falls in love with this
			loveable old geezer in a
			wheelchair and then he dies,
			it's ... They know what they're
			doing.

					BARRY
			This is real, Bananahead!

					TAD
			So?

					BARRY
			So if it's a show and they have
			a guy die that's writing, but if
			it's real and they have a guy die
			that's murder.


  94    EXT. VIDEO STORE - DAY
	Ed arrives for work.

	People CALL OUT to him-- PEDESTRIANS, PEOPLE FROM CARS, TRUCK
	DRIVERS. "Hey Ed, my man." Ed waves. People shake his hand.
	A teenage boy looks into the camera, making a funny face.
	Someone else looks into the camera and says, "Hi, Ma."

	Suddenly, Ray is there with a WOMAN. Ray is not happy. He's
	wearing DARK GLASSES and a HAT.

					RAY
			Hi.

	Ed stops.

					ED
			... Ray?

					RAY
			Yeah.

					ED
			Oh, man, I've been trying to call
			you.

					RAY
			I know.

					ED
			Look, we gotta talk.

					RAY
			Save it.

	A GUY in a car appears and points at Ray.

					GUY
			Hey, you're that French guy on TV.

					RAY
			French guy?

					GUY
			Monsieur Bad-a-lay.

	The guy drives away. Ray is steaming.

					RAY
			Let me just do what I came here
			to do.

	Ed thinks he means to fight. Ed tries to calm him.

					ED
			What are we gonna fight? Ray,
			please, listen to me --

					RAY
				(beckoning)
			Cassie...

	CASSIE, a woman about Ray's age, steps forward. She's slightly
	self-conscious.

					RAY (CONT'D)
			Go ahead.

	Ray points Cassie to the camera.

					CASSIE
			This is really hard.

					RAY
			You promised me.

					CASSIE
				(to the camera)
			I went out with Ray a few years
			ago for... a couple of months.
			And we... were intimate. And.
			he's really not as bad as that
			girl said he was.

	Ray nods.

					CASSIE (CONT'D)
			I mean, I've definitely had
			worse.

					RAY
			That's enough.

	Ed is amazed that Ray would do this.

					RAY (CONT'D)
				(to Ed)
			Good-bye, brother!

					ED
			Ray, come an--

	Ray leaves, still angry.

	Cassie lingers.

					CASSIE
				(flirting slightly)
			So you're Ed.

	Ray returns and yanks Cassie away with him. Ed still hasn't
	recovered from the bizarreness he just witnessed. Two girls
	YELL in unison from across the street.

					GIRLS
			Ed... we love you!


  95    INT. REAL TV OFFICE - NIGHT
	Cynthia and her staff, around a conference call box.

					CYNTHIA
			We're not going to be able to
			come over there for anymore
			midnight meetings. People are
			starting to watch your building.
			The interest level in you is
			soaring.

								INTERCUT WITH:

  95A   INT. ED'S BEDROOM.
	Ed's OFF-CAMERA

					ED
			Soaring is good, right? I mean,
			that means you're not gonna
			cancel me, right?

					KEITH
				(sotto)
			Man, he wants that balloon
			payment.

					ED (V.O.)
			Huh?

					TERRY
			Ed, why didn't you go over to see
			Shari today? That's what all our
			viewers were hoping you'd do.

					ED
			Isn't she great? I mean, maybe
			just to me, but... I don't know,
			she's just --

					TERRY
				(impatiently)
			She's great, she's great. Why
			didn't you go see her?

					ED
			I wanted to! I was dying to!
			But...

					GREG
			Is it Ray?
				(pulls out research)
			The audience hates Ray. Females,
			18 to 35 --

					ED
			No, I don't need to hear that. Cynthia?

					CYNTHIA
			Yes, Ed.

					ED
			Could we just talk alone for a
			second? I --

					CYNTHIA
			Good idea.
				(to her staff)
			Could you all leave us alone for
			a few minutes?

	She PANTOMIMES for them to stay in the room, but be quiet. The
	staff scrape chair legs and feign movement and ad lib "Bye Ed",
	"See you, buddy" etc. They all stay.

					CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
			How you doing, Ed?

					ED
			I feel like when I was a kid and
			my mother sent me to school in
			orange corduroy pants.

					CYNTHIA
				(no clue)
			Uh-huh?

					ED
			And all the kids stared calling
			me "Pumpkin Ass." "Hey Pumpkin
			Ass," -- for like a year. So,
			now, I feel like everyone's
			watching me and, you know, I'm
			"Pumpkin Ass" again.

	The staff are stifling giggles.

					CYNTHIA
			Can I tell you something? I
			think you are fantastic. I think
			you have taken an idea and turned
			it into something explosive.

	The staff stifle laughter. One of the guys is doing a jerk-off
	gesture. Cynthia gives them the finger.

					ED
			Yeah?

					CYNTHIA
			Can I give you one bit of advice?
			About Shari?

					ED
			Sure.

					CYNTHIA
			A woman wants to be pursued.


  96    EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
	Shari, in her Fed-ex uniform is making a delivery. A WOMAN's 
	signing for it.

					WOMAN
			This is so exciting! A real
			celebrity delivering my figs.

					SHARI
				(uncomfortable)
			Sign here, please.

					WOMAN
			That Ray was a pig. Ed is
			doll. You latch on to him
			honey.

					SHARI
			By the X.

					WOMAN
			Some more make-up wouldn't do you
			any harm. On TV you look a
			little washed out.

					SHARI
			What would I actually have to do
			to get you to sign this?

					WOMAN
				(insulted)
			Oh, an TV a minute and already an
			attitude.

					SHARI
				(annoyed)
			By the X. That's were two lines
			cross -- forming an X.

	ANGRILY, the Woman signs and slams the door.

	She heads back to her truck. She looks up and Ed is there with
	flowers. The TV cameras are there also. Shari is startled.
	But she's also glad to see him.

					SHARI
			What are you doing?

					ED
			I missed you.

	She's camera-shy.

					ED (CONT'D)
			You know, I never saw you in your
			uniform before.

					SHARI
			Yeah, well...

	They both LAUGH.

					ED
			It's really a tremendous turnoff.

					SHARI
			You should see the one we wear
			when it rains.

					ED
			Sunday night at the Devils game,
			I'm driving the Zamboni.

					SHARI
			The what?

					ED
			You know, the big machine that
			cleans the ice.

					SHARI
			Oh yeah.

					ED
			It's quite an honor. Will you
			come with me?

	She looks at the camera.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(gently)
			Look, I know this is weird.
			But... I don't want to wait. I
			really think we might have
			something together. Don't you?

	EMBARRASSED, she nods.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Come on. Be my zamboni date.

	She doesn't say "no."

	They KISS -- a little hesitantly, not passionately, but
	affectionately. She's still self-conscious, but she's going
	with the flow.


  97    INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
	They're watching. They CHEER and high-five each other.


  98    INT. SHORT MONTAGE
	Ed and Shari dating. She's shy, but she really likes Ed. He
	likes her and is very sweet to her.

	1) Ed and Shari some place like "Tavern on the Green." She
	looks pretty. He's very happy.

	2) They come out of a club. TOURISTS photograph them. Shari
	is a little disconcerted. Ed takes out a little camera of his
	own and photographs the tourists. This makes Shari laugh and
	relaxes her.

	3) HOCKEY ARENA

	CLOSE-UP of Ed, driving the Zamboni. He's loving it. He WAVES
	to Shari.

	SHARI IN THE STANDS, watching. She waves and smiles.

	The ice, a WIDER SHOT.

	The Zamboni is, basically out of control. Carlos is sliding
	along the ice, shooting Ed as the Zamboni zig-zags dangerously,
	eventually crashing into the boards, shattering the Plexiglas.


  99    INT. LOCAL ROCK CLUB - NIGHT
	It's very CROWDED. Claustrophobic. Loud. Ed and Shari enter
	just to see the show. They're spotted.

	The Crowd, which is already fired up by the music, sees them.
	It starts out okay, people crowding around, patting Ed on the
	back.

	A CHANT begins "Ed, Ed, Ed..." Pretty soon it drowns out the
	music.

	More people press towards Ed. It's too crowded -- dangerous.
	Shari is swept away from Ed. She's buffeted about, violently.
	She goes down. Ed can't move. The Crowd is friendly and
	happy, but the effect is scary.


  100   EXT. ROCK CLUB - A FEW MINUTES LATER
	BOUNCERS squeeze Ed and Shari out the door, protecting them.
	Ed is unnerved. Shari is somewhat bedraggled. Her clothing is
	torn.


  101   INT. ED'S KITCHEN - DAY
	Ed is ON the PHONE.

								INTERCUT WITH:

					CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
			Yeah?!

					ED
			They tore her dress! ...

					CYNTHIA
			We're going to get you a
			bodyguard, don't worry. Ed, I
			have some news for you. We're
			picking up Ed TV for another
			month!

					ED
				(excited)
			Yeah?!

					CYNTHIA
			That means a balloon payment and
			a big raise for the second month.

					ED
			Stand back -- I'm about to do my
			Happy Dance.

	He does.


  102   INT. RESTAURANT
	Ed and Shari are EATING. So is a HUGE MAN sitting between
	them. His name is MOE.


  103   INT. ROLLER RINK
	Ed and Shari are SKATING. Up ahead of them, Moe, (on skates)
	is plowing into people, knocking them over.


  104   INT. PIZZA JOINT - NIGHT
	Ed and Shari get up to leave. They look at each other, very
	affectionately. They want to kiss. The cameras are close.

	Ed is wearing a jacket. He spreads it out wide to block
	Shari's face from the cameras. He leans in and they KISS on
	the lips, several times, while Ed's jacket screens off the
	cameras. They're in love.


  105   INT. TV NEWS SHOW- THREE WEEKS LATER
	Written on the screen -- "Day 26."

	It's the same news team we met earlier.

					ANCHOR
			Well, welve had pet rocks, hula
			hoops, Davy Crockett, Beatle
			wigs, and leisure suits. But
			America's latest craze is a guy
			named Ed. Here with that story
			is entertainment reporter, Rick
			Douglas.

					ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
			Pat, four weeks ago, no one in
			America had even heard of Ed
			Pekurny. Today, this thirty-one
			year-old video store clerk has
			become something of a national
			obsession. The words viewers use
			to describe him are "charming,"
			"natural," and "appealing." And
			ratings indicate that "Ed TV" is
			being watched by more people,
			each day, than any show in the
			history of cable television.

								CUT TO:

	A SHOT of Scharlach being interviewed. A CAPTION identifies him.

					SCHARLACH
			This idea just came to me. I
			told my staff -- if people just
			tune in twice a day for five
			minutes we're a hit. Sometimes
			you gotta go with your gut
			feeling.

								CUT TO:

  106   INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
	She's watching. She's ANGRY.

					CYNTHIA
			Sure it came to you! Because I
			brought it to you!
				(raises her fist)
			You want a gut feeling?! How
			about a groin feeling?!
				(raises her foot)

	BACK TO NEWS REPORT

					ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
			Ed TV has become so popular that
			when Ed goes to sleep Real TV is
			running highlights of Ed's day
			all night. Some viewers have
			become obsessed with Ed. They
			wake up when Ed wakes up, they go
			to sleep when Ed goes to sleep,
			and in between they try to watch
			as much of him as possible.

	A SERIES OF MAN-IN-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS.

					WOMAN #1
				(casually)
			Yeah, I watch it... More than I'd
			like to admit sometimes.

					MAN
				(about fifty)
			Never... no...

					YOUNGER MAN
			Honestly? ... I try not to go to
			the bathroom until Ed goes to the
			bathroom so I won't miss
			anything.

	A GUY in an ice cream store.

					ICE CREAM GUY
			Watch this! Like Ed.

	He slices a banana the way Ed does.

					WOMAN #2
			I just kind of leave it an, you
			know, so it's... there.

	THREE TEEN-AGE GIRLS

					TEEN-AGER #l
			I don't like Shari. She's ...
			needy.

					TEEN-AGER #2
			I like her. She's sweet.

					TEEN-AGER #1
			She just rubs me the wrong way.

					TEEN-AGER #3
			I'm so glad they got rid of Ray.
			He was creepy.

								CUT TO:

	YOUNG GUYS

					GUY #1
			To me, this Shari is like
			nothing.

					GUY #2
			She's not even hot. I mean Ed's
			a celebrity. If that was me, I'd
			be dating the goods.

					GUY #1
			There's something wrong with her.
			She's definitely not hot.

					GUY #2
			Not hot. Not.


  107   INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	She's watching this, wearing a bathrobe.
	Her self-esteem is being crushed.


  108   INT. TV STUDIO
	This is an "E TV" kind of gossip show. The host -- a YOUNG
	WOMAN -- is showing film of Ed and Shari getting out of Ed's
	car. The film freeze-frames. Shari has an 
	unflattering look on her face.

					GOSSIP QUEEN
			What's wrong with her! Everytime
			you look at this chick, it's like
			she badly needs a Tampax. Ed, you
			can do better.

	Shari watching, in horror.


  109   INT. DELICATESSAN - NIGHT
	Ed and Shari are on a date. A WAITRESS is taking their order.
	Shari still seems a little self-conscious, but Ed is having a
	ball.

					ED
			I'11 have...
				(to Shari)
			Get this --
				(to the waitress)
			I'11 have the "Ed."

					SHARI
			I'm stunned.

	A WOMAN with her young SON approach.

					WOMAN
			Mr. Pekurny. I'm sorry to bother
			you. My son would just love to
			have your autograph.

					ED
			No problema.
				(to the boy)
			You want a picture?

	The boy nods.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Moe.

	MOE, the Bodyguard, in the next booth hands Ed a glossy of Ed
	and a pen. Ed signs it.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Take this around the corner to
			Frame World, they'll give you a
			discount.

	The Woman and Child leave.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(to Shari)
			Oh -- Sunday is good for me to
			meet your folks. We get a big
			family audience on Sundays so it
			works out.

					SHARI
				(ironic)
			That's lucky.

					ED
			Saturday, I think we should

	A PHONE RINGS

	Ed takes a phone out of his pocket.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(plugging)
			Compliments of Motorola.
			Hello... Marcia??
				(to Shari)
			My sister. -- What? ... What,
			right now? ... I'm eating, I'm on
			a date! ... Well, where's your
			boyfriend -- what's his name?
			Cliff .... Then, call a cab...
				(wearily)
			All right. Look, just don't
			start any trouble okay. Just sit
			there quietly 'til I get there...
			you're welcome.

	He HANGS UP. He's disgusted.


  110   INT. CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

					ED
			This used to be a regular thing.
			And the worst part, is while
			she'd be waiting for me to come
			down to some bar and get her,
			she'd start up with some guy and
			say "Wait 'til my brother gets
			here, he'11 kick your ass." So
			then I walk in and there's some
			rhinoceros in a windbreaker who
			tries to shove me into a shot
			glass. And Marcia's drunk and
			screaming "Kick his ass, Ed.
			Kick his ass."
				(looks out)
			I think this is it.


  111   INT. BAR
	It's not a seedy dive. Ed and Shari and the camera operators
	enter. A CUSTOMER approaches.

					CUSTOMER
			Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You're
			the guy on TV.

					ED
			What was the tip-off? The
			enormous camera?

					CUSTOMER
			Watch this.

	The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance."

					CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
			See, like you.

					ED
			Yeah. Keep up the good work.

	Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Oh great.

	He prepares to lift her.

					MARCIA (O.C.)
			Ed.

	He turns and sees Marcia standing there.

					MARCIA (CONT'D)
			What are you doing?

					ED
			Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this
			drunken woman you?

	He lets go of the woman.

	Her head bounces on the table.

					ED (CONT' D)
			What's going on? Why did you
			want me to come down here?

	Marcia guides them into chairs.

					MARCIA
			Cliff is here. He's performing.
			I wanted you to see him.

	For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then.

					ED
			Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it.
			It's "Star Search." You wanted
			me here because the camera comes
			with me.

					MARCIA
			Ed, he needs a break. You don't
			know what kind of bad luck he's
			had --

					ED
			I can imagine. You said you
			wanted nothing to do with this.
			You swore to me. "Don't come
			near me. Don't bring this into
			my life..."


					MARCIA
			For God sakes, you said two words
			about some lousy pizza joint, the
			guy's a millionaire now. This
			could be my whole future we're
			talking about.
				(to Shari)
			Hi, I'm Ed's sister.

					SHARI
				(politely)
			I've heard so much about you.


  112   INT. BAR - LATER
	Cliff is in the middle of his show.

	He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime 
professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's
	cameras are shooting him.

	CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This
	guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e.
	Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya'
	Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're
	the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and
	"Ave Maria."

	ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

					ED
				(sotto)
			I wish my stepfather was here.

					SHARI
			Why?

					ED
			He could give me some oxygen.


  113   INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER
	Ed and Shari are KISSING.

	CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS

	TAD AND BARRY

					BARRY
			Oh boy! Here we go!

	Ed is passionate.

	JEANETTE AND AL

					JEANETTE
				(cringing)
			Euuw...

	RAY

	Fuming.

	BACK TO ED AND SHARI

					SHARI
			Um...

					ED
			What?
 
	She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears.

					ED (CONT'D)
			I told you. If we... you know
			do it, they go away until ...
			we're done.

					SHARI
			I know, but even if they go away,
			everybody in America knows what
			we're doing because... they went
			away.

					ED
			So? What do they think -- we're
			not kids --

					SHARI
				(overlapping)
			I know, I ...

					ED
				(overlapping)
			Shari, I really like you...

					SHARI
				(overlapping)
			I really like you too...

					ED
			...if this ...
				(the camera)
			... weren't here... ?

					SHARI
			... yeah, then, but...

	CUTAWAYS

					ED
			So...?

					SHARI
			Ed... I think we should stop
			seeing each other.

	The guys who said she wasn't hot.

	They applaud.

	THE DORM GIRLS

	They're booing Shari.

	A BAR

	A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend.

					JILL
			That girl's an idiot.

	BACK TO ED AND SHARI

					ED
			What?... Why?

					SHARI
				(starting to weep)
			I can't take it anymore...

	GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT

	They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their
	eyes.

	BACK TO ED AND SHARI

					SHARI
				(crying)
			I have no privacy. Even now!
			I'm crying and I can't stop and
			they won't go away. And now it's
			going to be another month!

					ED
			Shari...

					SHARI
			Everybody hates me!

					ED
			No. Who?

					SHARI
			Look at this.

	She picks up a N.Y. POST.

					SHARI (CONT'D)
			Page three of the Post.
 
					ED
				(knows what it is)
			Ohh...

					SHARI
			A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough
			for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent
			said "no."
				(crying)
			They hate me!

					ED
			Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I
			do care.
				(to the camera)
			Shame on everybody. Shame on
			you! Well, just the seventy-one
			percent. The other...
				(he can't do the math)

					SHARI
			Twenty-nine.

					ED
			Exactly. Boy, you're smart.
				(to the camera)
			Why are you so mean to her? What
			did she do to you?
				(picks up newspaper)
			"Is she good enough for Ed?" Who
			the hell am I?
				(sarcastically)
			Who the hell do you think I
			should be dating?

					SHARI
			There's a list.

					ED
			Really?
				(he looks)

					SHARI
			Ed?

	He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list.

					ED
			Wow...


  114   INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING)
	Ed is a guest.

					DAVE
			I'm out here an hour a night and
			I feel like a dork. You're on
			every minute! Doesn't it just
			drive you nuts?

					ED
				(cheerfully)
			Yeah.

	LAUGHS.

					DAVE
			All this fame and the money
			you're making. Is this going to
			change you, do you think?

					ED
			God, I hope so.

	BIGGER LAUGHS.


  115   INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER
	It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is
	with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of
	gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.)

					PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
			You've got a ham in there and
			Dave's book and --

					ED
			Hey, if it's free, it's me.
				(to John)
			You ready?

					JOHN
			Yeah. You did good. What's
			wrong?

					ED
			Aah, I wanted Shari to come.

					JOHN
			Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor
			substitute?

	He KISSES John.

					ED
				(easily)
			Yeah.
				(to the camera)
			Honey, if you're watching this is
			for you.

					JOHN
			No! Don't --
				(new subject)
			Oh, wow.

					ED
			What?

	ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.)

	She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT.

					JOHN
			No more calls, we have a 
			winner.

	Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him

					JILL
			Hi.

					ED
			Hi.

	SECURITY steps forward.

					ED (CONT'D)
			It's all right.

	They step back.

					JILL
			I'm Jill. I really like your
			show. I think you're great.

					ED
			Thanks... That's ...

	Shari, watching this on television.

					JILL
			You must be John.

					JOHN
			I'm trying to remember.

					JILL
				(to Ed)
			Well, I don't want to bother you,
			I'm just -- I was here
			auditioning for a skit. You
			know, one of those things where
			Dave goes around town with models
			and whatever...

					ED
			Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah...
			those are funny...

					JILL
			Well, it was really nice meeting
			you and, uh...
				(checks her watch)
			I'd better get a cab.

	But she doesn't leave.

					ED
			Um... They gave me a limo, uh...

					JILL
			Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just
			going uptown.

	She takes his arm and leads him out.


  116   INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY
	Written on the screen -- "Day 28"

	Two WOMEN on Stairmasters.

					WOMAN
			V11 bet he goes out with her.
			It's like those actors -- as soon
			as they get famous -- Pfft -
			there goes the wife.


  117   EXT. COLLEGE
	The dorm girls.


  118   INT. POKER GAME

					COLLEGE GIRL
			He'll never cheat on Shari!

	The game includes Tad and Barry.


  119   INT. TV STUDIO

					BARRY
			You think she really likes him?

					TAD
			She doesn't give a shit about
			him.

					BARRY
			You know what would be great?

					TAD
			What?

					BARRY
			If Ray would steal this girl from
			Ed. That would be great.

					POKER PLAYER #2
			You know what would be even
			better?

					BARRY
			What?

					POKER PLAYER #2
			If you shut your hole and played
			cards. Goddam pineapple
			brothers.

	The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now
	they're all worked up.

					PANEL MEMBER #1
			But he's not a normal person
			anymore. He's a celebrity.
			We're no longer observing
			anyone's "real life."

					PANEL MEMBER #2
				(disagreeing)
			But that's what's interesting!
			The effect of celebrity on an
			otherwise average person.

					PANEL MEMBER #3
			But do you really feel that Ed is
			an average person? I mean this
			guy seems to have a... magnetism,
			a charisma that, I think,
			transcends the entire concept.

					PANEL MEMBER #4
			I agree. He's special.

	They all nod.



  120   INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY
	" DAY 34 "

	Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them

					ED
			This is from a girl named
			Tawny... this goes in the nude
			picture pile. Thank you, Tawny.

	He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Let's see.

	Ed stares and his smile disappears.

	ANGLE ON THE MAIL

	A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The
	body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it.

					ED
			Well. This is creative. This
			goes in the psychopath pile.

	The DOORBELL RINGS.

					ED
			Oh, I hope that's not this guy.
				(indicates psycho
				letter)

	He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door.

	He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is
	there. His name is HANK.

					HANK
			Hello.

					ED
			Hi.

	Ed waits.

					HANK
			You don't recognize me.

					ED
			No. Am I supposed to?

	Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little
	shaken.


  121   INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE
	Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at
	the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS...


  122   INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT
	Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his
	dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING
	in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps.


  123   INT. RAY'S APARTMENT
	Ray is TYPING on a word processor.
	He stares curiously at the television.


  124   INT. ED'S APARTMENT
	Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully.

					HANK
			It's me, Hank -- your father.

	RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the
	phone.


  125   INT. REAL TV OFFICE
	The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned.

					ALICE
				(to Cynthia)
			Did you do this? Did you find
			him and get him to--

					CYNTHIA
			No way... Oh, this just keeps
			getting better.


  126   INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY
	Written on the screen -- "Day 35"

	Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a
	pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN
	is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting.

	Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she
	argues with Ed.

					JEANETTE
			I can't believe you're taking his
			side.

					ED
			I'm not! I'm just trying to get
			some facts.

					AL
				(to Ed)
			Sign this one to Nancy. She's
			the nurse who handles my urine.

	Ed signs.

					JEANETTE
			I told you the facts! He
			abandoned us -- those are the
			facts.

					ED
			So everything he told me
			yesterday was a lie. Everything.

	Al takes a loud breath.

					JEANTETTE
			Yes! ... practically

					ED
			What do you mean practically?
			Did he really run away or did you
			throw him out like he says.

					REPAIRMAN
			I need to replace the coil.

					JEANETTE
				(to Ed)
			He ran away after I threw him
			out.
				(to repairman)
			How much is a new coil?

					REPAIRMAN
			A hundred and fifty bucks.

					ED
			So he was telling the truth
			you threw him out.

					REPAIRMAN
			Should I go ahead?

					JEANETTE
			Yes.

					ED
			Yes to me or yes to the coil?

					JEANETTE
			Both.

					ED
			Holy sh--

					AL
			This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe
			he won't make me wait an hour.

	Ed signs.

					JEANETTE
			He had girlfriends!

					ED
			He says --

					JEANETTE
			I don't care what he says. Look,
			I don't need to relive this. On
			television!

					AL
			Whatever happened to Norman
			Rockwell?

					ED
			Who?

					AL
			Norman Rockwell. He painted
			magazine covers. Folksy. A
			mailman, a boy scout, a kid
			visiting a doctor...

					ED
			Yeah, so... ?

					AL
			They celebrated the common
			person.

					ED
			Well, I don't think you can get
			more common than me, Al.

					AL
			No. Only celebrities now. Now,
			if you put a mailman on the cover
			of a magazine he'd better have
			killed someone or no one will buy
			it. This one to Dr. Rumpley.

	Jeanette storms back in.

					JEANETTE
			All right -- do you want to know
			the truth? I took you and Marcia
			and Ray to my sister's on the
			train for the weekend and you all
			got chicken pox. So I took you
			home a day early and there was
			your father with a woman in our
			bed. Okay?

					ED
			Chicken pox? I was six. He
			didn't leave 'til I was twelve.

					JEANETTE
			He... apologized, he begged me.
			He can be very... charming when
			it suits his purpose.

					ED
			But what was that whole story
			about him and a nurse?

					JEANETTE
			She could've been a nurse.

					ED
			Could've been a nurse?

					JEANETTE
			She had white shoes.

					ED
			So does Grandma. So does
			Shaquille O'Neal. You told me
			you had a hysterectomy and he ran
			off with your nurse.

					JEANETTE
			What's the difference?

					ED
			The difference is for twenty
			years I thought one thing and now
			it's another thing.

	Ed nods.

					JEANETTE
			He was no good. Do you remember
			how he used to scream at me? You
			used to cover your ears with
			dinner rolls.

					JEANETTE (CONT'D)
			Also, no job was ever good enough
			for him. "Small potatoes, small
			potatoes." Al, you remember --

	Al breathes loudly.

					ED
			Wait a minute. I thought you
			didn't know Al, 'til after Dad
			left.

	Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the
	refrigerator.

					ED (CONT' D)
			Oh my God. You and Al were -
			and that's why you threw him out.

					JEANETTE
			He had a woman in my own bed!
			And how dare you call him "Dad"
			in front of Al.
				(shakes Al by the
				shoulder)
			This is your father. This is who
			was there for you when you needed
			someone.

					AL
			Jeanette, you're hurting me.

					ED
				(on the defensive)
			I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you
			know how I feel about you...

	Al breathes loudly.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(uncomfortably)
			If I don't call you "Dad" it'
			just because...
			1 was already a big boy when you
			came into our lives --
				(pointedly to his
				mother)
			or when I thought you came into
			our lives --

					JEANETTE
			And what did he come back now
			for?

					ED
			Who?

					JEANETTE
			Hank! All of a sudden. Because
			now you're famous and he can get
			something from you. I don't wan
			you to become a victim like
			Marcia.
				(to the TV)
			Not that you're a victim, honey.
			You're not. Life's just been a
			little hard on you, sweetie.

					ED
				(to Al)
			What do you think. I mean
			about... him. Should I just...
			have nothing to do with him? I
			mean...

					AL
				(to Ed)
			Have I ever said a bad word to
			you about your father?

					ED
			No.

					AL
			Well, now I will. He was a crazy
			mean, son-of-a-bitch.

	Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary.

					AL (CONT'D)
			But he was your father.


  127   INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
	He's asleep.


  128   INT. CONTROL TRUCK
	They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir.
	Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom.


  129   INT. BATHROOM
	Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a
	bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and
	waits.

					ED
				(whispering)
			Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two
			days, I want to see you... No, I
			won't let them follow me, I'11
			sneak out... No it's not allowed,
			but I'm going for it... I'm on my
			way.

	He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper.
	until he finds something acceptable.


  130   INT. CONTROL TRUCK
	They're monitoring the empty bed.


  131   INT. BATHROOM
	Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window.


  132   INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER
	Shari opens her front door.

					ED
			Hi.

	She looks down the hallway.

					ED (CONT'D)
			They're not here.

	He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately.

					SHARI
			I tried to tell you over the
			phone -- my parents went to
			Atlantic City.

					ED
			So?

					SHARI
			So my little brother's staying
			here. I'm sleeping with Rita.

					ED
			Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with
			Rita? We'11 all have a good
			time.

					SHARI
			I'm sorry.

					ED
			Come on, let's go.

					SHARI
			Where?

					ED
			Somewhere.


  133   INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER
	They get in. They look at each other.

					ED
			Do you want to go to a motel?

					SHARI
			I feel like a criminal or, like
			we're cheating on someone.

					ED
				(nicely)
			Just... just relax. Okay? We
			won't do anything. We'11 just
			sit here for a while.

					SHARI
			Okay.

					ED
			Come on...

	Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates,
	but then curls up against him and relaxes.

					ED (CONT'D)
			I need to talk.

					SHARI
			Are you all right?

					ED
			She lied to me. I mean all my
			life, she's telling me one story
			and then... it turns out to be a
			completely different story. Come
			to me at some point -- tell me
			the truth. No. Not in my house.
			The truth is a stranger. And
			this is why Ray and Marcia are
			the way they are. Marcia gets
			involved with all these losers
			and sees no problem with herself -
			"How do they find me" she says.
			Ray cheats on you and then blames
			me for it. I'm the only one in
			the family who takes any
			responsibility for himself... Oh,
			man... Are you all right?

					SHARI
				(hesitantly)
			Yeah... I saw that girl come on
			to you at the TV show.

					ED
			Oh that was... no, I ... she just
			kind of trapped me into giving
			her a ride. It's you. I want
			you.

					SHARI
			...yeah?

	He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are
	roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's
	unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other.
	Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras,
	shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts.


  134   INT. TV - DAY

					ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
			Good morning. Welcome to another
			day of Ed TV. Last night, while
			most of us were asleep ... this
			happened.


  135   INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING
	FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of
	Ed and Shari.

					FRAT GUYS
			Yes!!

	They GYRATE LEWDLY.


  136   EXT. STREET - DAY
	Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY.
	The cameras are there.

					SHARI
			Get them away from me.

	She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the
	cameramen.

					ED
			It's not their fault.

					SHARI
			No. It's your fault.

	She throws a package at him.

					ED
			What do you want me to do? You
			want me to quit the show?!

					SHARI
			No... Could you?

					ED
			No. If I quit I don't get the
			balloon payment.

					SHARI
			The what?

					ED
			Ray borrowed this whole tub of
			money against this balloon
			payment that I don't get if I qu --
			it's too complicated. I -- Besides...

					SHARI
			What?

	Pause.

					ED
			You see how people look at me.
			Like when they ask for my
			autograph or say "Hi" to me...
			It's like I'm a basketball player
			or a... you know, like I'm
			someone.

					SHARI
			Everybody's someone.

					ED
			Well, yeah, everybody's someone.
			But I mean someone they want to
			be. I mean let's face it, I'm
			working in the video store, no
			one's coming in saying "oh, I
			wish I was that guy. 1 wish
			was rewinding that huge pile of
			tapes." At least for a month
			I'm not just a guy with a name
			tag. I'm famous.

	A GUY YELLS from across the street.

					GUY
			Shari! Nice nipples.

					ED
			And so are you.

	GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!"

	She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back.

					SHARI
			I don't want to be famous for
			getting caught with my shirt off.
			If I'm going to be famous --

	The camera is right in her face. She grabs it.

					SHARI (CONT'D)
				(to the camera person)
			This is going right up your ass.

					ED
			Come on.

	He returns the camera.

	Shari starts for her truck.

					SHARI
			Look... maybe we just better put
			us on hold until this is over.

	She gets in her truck.

					ED
			Come on! Loosen up.
				(trying to joke)
			See -- this is why seventy-one
			per cent of the people don't like
			you.

	She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR.

					ED (CONT'D)
			It was a joke! A... vicious,
			thoughtless stupid joke.

	He bangs himself in the head.

	She drives away.

	He BOWS.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(to the camera)
			And that, for you kids out there,
			is how you screw up a relationship.


  137   INT. ED'S APARTMENT
	Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV.

					ED
				(to the camera)
			I'm gonna watch anything but me.

	Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop.

					ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
			Coming in two weeks to the
			Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His
			Dad's a cop, his brother's a
			bouncer in a topless bar, his
			sister is a black-belt social
			worker -- and Joma's living with
			two gals.

	ANGLE ON THE TV

	We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little
	dangerous, but in an exciting way.

					JOMA
			Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you,
			man! I'm gonna eat you right up!
				(makes gobbling-up
				noises)

	ANGLE ON ED

	Watching. He's stunned.


  138	INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
	They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own
	apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's
	caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly
	agitated.

					ED
			How did you get into my
			apartment?!

	The BODYGUARD is pulling her out.

	REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are
	all watching.

					McILVAINE
			What is she holding?

					GREG
				(calmly)
			A pair of Ed's underwear.

					McILVAINE
			Oh my God!

	ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers
	the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils.

					ED
			No -- keep it.

					WOMAN
			I love you! 1 want to marry you!

	She's hauled out. They stop the tape.

					SCHARLACH
			See -- that's television! This
			other thing, this Jama, that has
			"stink" written all over it.

					GREG
			The break-up with Shari was very
			big. Big ratings.

					SEAVER
			Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell
			Ed not to sneak out anymore.

					SCHARLACH
			Cynthia ...

	He wants it accomplished.


  139   EXT. STREET - DAY

					SEAVER (CONT'D)
			It's in violation of his contract
			and if we wanted to be hard-nosed
			about it, he could forfeit all
			pay, including money he's already
			received.

					CYNTHIA
				(dutifully, but a tad
				resentfully)
			I will see that he's properly
			threatened.

					SCHARLACH
			Now what? What's on the young
			man's agenda? We don't want to
			see him sitting around like a
			lovesick puppy.

					GREG
			Young males do not want to see Ed
			get back with Shari.

					SCHARLACH
				(impatiently)
			Enough with her. That sailed.

					McILVAINE
			Could Ed live with two girls?

					GREG
			You know who the audience is
			requesting a lot? That girl,
			Jill, that Ed met at the
			Letterman show. She really
			scored.

					SCHARLACH
			Cynthia...

	He wants it accomplished.


  139   EXT. STREET - DAY
	Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind
	barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this.


  140   INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY
	Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed.

					RITA
				(nervously)
			Oh. Ed.

					ED
			Hi. Is Shari here?

					RITA
			No.

					ED
			What is she, at work?

					RITA
			She left.

					ED
			Well, when will she be back?


					RITA
			She won't.

					ED
			What are you talking about?

					RITA
			She left. She moved. She got
			Fed-Ex to give her a transfer and
			she left. She couldn't stand it
			anymore. We had people, news
			people, regular people, just
			sleeping in our hallway, going
			through our mail, our garbage.
			I mean it was she couldn't
			take it anymore. Now I've got to
			move. I can't afford this place
			by myself.

					ED
			I'm sorry. Where'd they send
			her?

					RITA
			She wouldn't tell me.


  141   INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
	He's off the air. He's a little down. He's ON the PHONE-

								INTERCUT WITH:

  142   INT. CYNTHIA'S BEDROOM
	She's working out an a contraption.

					ED
			Remember when you were
			interviewing me?
				(details to follow)


  143   EXT. PARK - DAY

					CYNTHIA
			Yeah.

					ED
			You asked me if I had a dream.
			I said "Sure, I have a dream. I
			just don't know what it is yet."

					CYNTHIA
			Great line.

					ED
			What if Shari's the dream?

					CYNTHIA
			Ed, do you want my advice?

					ED
			Yeah, that's why I called. I
			mean, maybe Fed-Ex would tell me
			where she moved --

					CYNTHIA
			Leave her be.

					ED
			You said a woman likes to be
			pursued.

					CYNTHIA
			Pursued, not harassed. Give it
			some space. Can I tell you
			something -- as a friend? My
			sister was going with a guy
			they hit a little rough spot
			they started seeing other people
			they got back together and last
			month they had their third child
			For what it's worth.

	OPEN ON ANDY, Ed's half-Asian nephew. He's eight. He's
	wearing a baseball glove.

					ANDY
			Throw me a high one, Uncle Eddie.

					ED (O.C.)
			Okay.

	REVEAL ED, also wearing a baseball glove. He throws a high pop
	up to Andy. Andy staggers around and almost catches it.

					ED
			Oh!!

					JILL (0.C.)
			We have to stop meeting like
			this.

					ED
			Hm?

	REVEAL JILL, walking a DOG. it takes just a second to
	recognize her.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Oh, hi.

	Ed is hit with the ball.

					ANDY
			Sorry.

	REVEAL the Real TV Staff watching this on television in their
	office. As Ed and Jill chat in the background.

					ALICE
				(to Cynthia)
			Did you arrange this?

					CYNTHIA
				(points to the TV)
			Whose dog is that?

					ALICE
				(surprised)
			That's your dog.

	Cynthia doesn't even smile.

	MONTAGE

	INTERSPERSED IN THE MONTAGE ARE SHOTS OF PEOPLE
	WATCHING THEM ON TV

	1. Ed and Jill going into a chic club -- ushered in
	immediately. Here, as in the other times we see her, Jill is
	comfortable with the situation. She's the opposite of Shari.
	She poses willingly. She chats easily with paparazzi. She
	clings to Ed. There's nothing overt or obnoxious about her.
	She's just comfortable and good at it and always looks great.

	2. INTERVIEW with the guys who didn't like Shari.

					GUY #1
			Way to go, Ed!

					GUY # 2
			Now, we're talking!

	3. A N.Y. Post story:

		"Readers Pick Jill over Shari."

	Pictures of both women. Jill looks great. Shari is in her
	uniform and looks like a mouse.

	4. SHARI

	In a new apartment. Watching Ed and Jill on TV. She's very
	unhappy. She turns it off.

	5. Ed and Jill at the nice restaurant he was at with Shari
	earlier. It looks like he's starting to like her.

	6. Ed is refereeing a pro-wrestling match. He counts out the
	villain who, then, jumps up and chases him out of the ring.


  144   INT. JILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
	"DAY 47"

	Ed and Jill are in a HEAVY LIPLOCK. Carlos is right there with
	the camera. Unlike Shari, Jill seems unself-conscious. She's
	getting Ed pretty turned-on.

	SHOTS of VIEWERS, also turned on, especially the men.

					JILL
			You want to?

	It's clear what she means. Ed is conflicted. He's clearly
	aroused.

					ED
			Um... It's kind of ...

	He looks for his watch on the wrong wrist, then seems to check
	all around his body until he discovers it.

					JILL
			Are you busy tomorrow night?

					ED
			No.

					JILL
			Why don't you come over. And
			I'11 make dinner. And you bring
			a movie. And ... We'11 make a
			night of it ... okay?

					ED
				(nervously)
			Sure.


  145   EXT. STREET - DAY
	Written on the screen -- "Day 48"

	Ed is walking, the camera following. He looks tense. People
	SHOUT "Hey, Ed" "Ed-die" etc.

	ANGLE ON A NEWSPAPER VENDING MACHINE

	The New York Post front page -- "Is tonight the Night?" with a
	picture of Ed and Jill kissing.

	ANGLE ON ED

					ED
			Oh man...

					CON ED GUY
			Hey, Eddie.

	Ed looks up.

					CON ED GUY (CONT'D)
				(giving the "thumbs
				up")
			Go for it!

	Ed continues down the street. People YELL to him "Good luck
	tonight," "We're rooting for you" etc.

	A STREET CHARACTER walks alongside for a minute.

					STREET CHARACTER
			Hey, man. This is Haitian Love Juice.
				(he produces a vial)
			You give her this, she be yours.

	Security grabs him and the vial falls and breaks. The liquid
	hits the pavement and smokes up.

					ED
				(looking at the smoke)
			Jesus!

	More shouts "Be gentle", "We'11 be watching", "Use a condom" etc.

	A SCHOOL BUS passes. The KIDS YELL out the window to Ed.

					KIDS
				(in unison)
			Good luck!


  146   EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT
	There is no line. At TICKET TAKER sits, bored. No one is
	going in or coming out.


  147   EXT. STREET
	It's deserted.


  148   EXT. RESTAURANT
	It's empty. The HEADWAITER stands in the doorway with nothing
	to do.


  149   INT. LIVING ROOM
	A PARTY is in progress. The TV is on. On TV Ed is in a liquor
	store, buying a bottle of wine. Ed is dressed for his date.
	The people at the party are watching TV and commenting. It's
	like a Super bowl party.

					VOICE (O.C.)
			What's he doing?

					PARTYGOER
			He's buying wine!


  150   INT. BEDROOM
	Several high-school age BOYS. They have made themselves look
	like Ed. They're very excited.

					TEEN-AGE BOY #1
			You think he's gonna do it?

					TEEN-AGE BOY #2
			Hell yeah. The guy hasn't had
			any sex in six weeks.

					TEEN-AGE BOY #3
			Neither have we.


  151   EXT. STREET
	Ed's car turns the corner and he sees a CROWD gathered around Jill's 
building.


  152   EXT. BUILDING

					ED
				(understating)
			I'm starting to feel a little
			pressure.

	Ed carrying his wine enters to APPLAUSE and CHEERS.


  153   EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET
	A LONG SHOT encompasses all the houses on the block. Their
	living room TV's are visible. All but one are tuned to Ed.


  154   INT. JILL'S KITCHEN
	Something is cooking. Jill picks up a plate of something -
	dip and cut vegetables for instance. She starts to exit the
	kitchen as Ed and Carlos enter. Ed and Jill have a soft
	collision.

					JILL
			Oh.

					ED
			Can I help with anything?

					JILL
			No. It's going to be about a
			half-hour.

					ED
			What is? Oh, dinner!

	SELF-CONSCIOUSLY. He takes a vegetable, dips it and eats it.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Mm.

					JILL
			Good?

					ED
			Mm.

	They look at each other. Jill leans forward and kisses him.
	She puts the tray of vegetables on the counter. They continue
	to kiss.


  155   INT. BEDROOM
	The high school boys are CHANTING.


  156   INT. DORM ROOM

					BOYS
			Ed -- Ed -- Ed -- Ed...

	COLLEGE GIRLS (same ones as before).

					COLLEGE GIRL #1
			Oh, I hope she makes love to him!

					COLLEGE GIRL #2
			I thought you didn't like her.

					COLLEGE GIRL #1
			I don't, but I want him to be
			happy-

	RAPID SHOTS of other VIEWERS, watching, transfixed --


  157   INT. JILL'S APARTMENT
	Ed and Jill are making out. They begin taking each other's
	clothes off. They're passing the point of no return. It's
	going to happen right there in the kitchen.

	Ed and Jill, in heavy heat, back up to the kitchen table and
	climb on to it. They continue to pull at their own and each,
	other's clothing. They're making passionate noises.


  158   INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT
	Shari is not watching television. She's eating a little meal
	she's made for herself. She HEARS PEOPLE in her building
	cheering and whooping. She looks miserable.


  159   INT. CONTROL TRUCK

					DIRECTOR
				(slightly panicky)
			Someone say the word, how far can
			we go here?


  160   INT. REAL TV OFFICE
	Cynthia and her staff are watching. Cynthia is ON THE PHONE-

					CYNTHIA (into phone)
			Stay with them ... don't leave
			yet... not yet ...

	Jill is on top of Ed. Carried away with passion, Ed attempts
	to roll her over and get on top. He does, but rolls too far.
	He crashes off the table, to the floor, face up.

					ED
				(in pain)
			Ohhh...

					JILL
			Ed?

					ED
			Ohh... do you own a cat?

					JILL
			Yeah. Why?

	He looks at her apologetically.


  161   EXT. JILL'S BUILDING
	Ed is being loaded into an AMBULANCE. He looks humiliated.
	PEOPLE in the street are applauding politely as if Ed were an
	injured ballplayer being carried off the field. Jill is by the
	ambulance. She's PETTING a CAT who looks all right.
	PHOTOGRAPHERS are taking her picture. She's posing willingly.
	The ambulance drives off as Jill continues to pose.


  162   INT. TV STUDIO
	Written on the screen -- "Day 49"

	The taping of "The Tonight Show" or "the Late Show" -- once
	again, whichever we have a prayer of getting. The MONOLOGUE is
	in progress.

					JAY (OR DAVE)
				(mock annoyed)
			So I guess you were all watching
			Ed last night.

	The AUDIENCE goes wild.

					JAY (CONT'D)
			This got the highest rating of
			the year, since the Super Bowl.
			I guess that makes sense. After
			all, Ed is now the Buffalo Bills
			of sex.

	BIG LAUGHS


  163   INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
	Scharlach EATING. He's stunned.

					SCHARLACH
			What?!

	REVEAL CYNTHIA

					CYNTHIA
			Take him off the air.

					SCHARLACH
			What are you talking about? He's
			fine. He's out of the hospital
			already. The ratings are higher
			than ever.

					CYNTHIA
			I'm telling you, it's peaked. Ed
			TV is an over-inflated balloon.
			Get it off before it explodes all
			over us.

	He thinks.

					SCHARLACH
			With all due respect, Cynthia
			you're nuts. I'm giving him
			another month!

					CYNTHIA
				(coldly)
			Good luck.


  164   EXT. STREET - DAY
	"DAY 54"

	Ed is walking. He's wearing a white, Velcro support around his
	waist. He's agitated. He's carrying a copy of the New York
	Post.

					ED
			Look at this!

	WE SEE a headline -- "Ed: She Broke My heart."

					ED
			She did not!
				(venting)
			You know what she did?

					ED (CONT'D)
			She went out to California and
			got one of those scandal agents.
			One of those agents who handle,
			like... Gennifer Flowers and...
			Kato Kaelin and Joey Buttafuco.
			That's what she --

	A GUY YELLS AT ED

					GUY
			Hey Ed! ... She was a little too
			much for you, huh? Must run in
			the family.

					ED
				(angry)
			Oh -- like this guy's ever been
			with a woman.
				(yells)
			How about I kick your ass 'til
			the crack goes the other way?
				(to the camera)
			All of a sudden, I'm like fair
			game for everyone. I'm like --

	He stops and looks like he's in shock. He stares in through
	the display window of a bookstore.

	ANGLE ON,

	a big DISPLAY of cheap, rushed-out, exploitation books. On the
	cover we read "My Brother Pissed On Me By Raymond L. Pekurny.11
	And there's an old photo of two little boys. (Ed and Ray)

					ED
			Oh my -- He wrote a book?! Ray
			wrote a book?! He never read a
			book!


  165   INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
	"DAY 58"

	It's the hallway of a cheap hotel. Ed and the camera come off
	the elevator. Ed looks at room numbers. He can HEAR the noise
	from all the rooms. A radio -- a domestic disturbance -- a
	baby crying -- it's a horror. He KNOCKS ON a door.

					HANK (O.C.)
			Who is it?

					ED
			It's Ed.

	The door opens REVEALING Ed's father.

					HANK
			Ed! Come in -

	They enter.


  166   INT. HOTEL ROOM
	It's depressing. There's a liquor bottle on the dresser. Ed
	sees it.

					HANK (CONT'D)
			How've you been?

	Ed SHRUGS.

					HANK (CONT'D)
			They don't get cable here, so 1
			can't watch you.

	Ed just GRUNTS.

	Hank takes LAUNDRY off a chair.

					HANK (CONT'D)
			Sit down.

	He does. He looks around.

					HANK (CONT'D)
			Quite a shithole, isn't it?

					ED
			It could be, if you fixed it up.
			How did you... ? I mean how does
			anyone ... wind up like this?

					HANK
			I was in jail.

					ED
			The whole time? Eighteen years?

					HANK
			No. Two times.

					ED
			What...

					HANK
			Check forging.

					ED
			Oh, man! So...

					HANK
			The last two years, I've been a
			limousine driver, but I don't see
			well anymore, so...

					ED
			So you saw me on TV and you said
			"Hey, let me jump on this."

					HANK
			I need help. How many times if
			just one little thing that I
			needed would've happened, it
			would've changed everything. If
			I had a few dollars when an
			opportunity came along or... the
			tumblers just never clicked for
			me.

	Ed doesn't know what to say. He's bitter towards Hank, but
	there's also some empathy.

					ED
				(to the camera)
			All right... This is my father,
			I don't know what the hell he can
			do, but if anyone out there can
			help him -- get him a job -
			I'11 ... help you. I'11 ...
			mention your business or ... I
			don't know, we'11 figure it out.
				(quickly, to Hank)
			I gotta go.

					HANK
			Ed... I'm sorry.

					ED
				(still bitter)
			Yeah? That's good. Sorry is
			good. You know I finished that
			model.

					HANK
			What...

					ED
			The pirate ship.

	Hank looks blankly at him.

					ED (CONT'D)
			-- That we were doing "together."
			I finished it. It came out great!
			Because no one was standing over
			my shoulder bothering me -
			"That's too much glue. You're
			using too much glue."

					HANK
			Do you still have it?

					ED
			No. Ray sat on it. I'11 see you.

	He exits. Out in the hallway, he leans back against the door,
	drained. The camera is right on him, soaking it up.


  167   INT. TV STUDIO
	The same PBS-type panel of smart-looking people we met earlier.
	WE OPEN ON about half the panel.

					MODERATOR
			Let's hear from our guest
			panelist. You've expressed some
			interesting thoughts on this,
			subject. What do you see as the
			meaning, if there is any, of Ed
			TV, John.

	REVEAL JOHN, sitting comfortably on the panel, looking very
	wise.

					JOHN
			I feel that Ed is the apotheosis
			of a prevailing American
			syndrome. It used to be that
			someone became famous because
			they were special. Now people
			are considered special just for
			being famous. Fame, itself, is
			now a moral good in this country.
			It's its own virtue.

	The others NOD appreciatively as John puts a PIPE in his mouth.

	TV INTERVIEWS

					OLD GUY
			I was Ed's Little League coach.
			He had no coordination. The big
			game, he struck cut with the
			bases loaded. Then he cried like
			a woman. It was sickening.

								CUT TO:

					OLD WOMAN
			I was his third grade teacher.
			I said "Take him for tests.
			There's something wrong with
			him." They didn't listen.

								CUT TO:

					ANOTHER GUY
			He used to steal things from my
			store. At least I think it was
			him. Yeah, it was probably him.


  168   EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
	A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to
	tease Ed.

					CAT MAN
			Hey, look, I just fell off a
			table!

	Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him.


  169   INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
	Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub.

					ED
				(yelling down)
			Okay, is that funny?

	Then he throws the tub out the window.

					ED (CONT'D)
				(to the camera)
			How was that? Was that funny?!


  170   INT. NETWORK OFFICE
	"DAY 78"

	Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading
	a report.

					HONCHO #1
			Of more concern than the sag in
			Ed's ratings is what viewers are
			feeling about him now. The
			positives are down and the
			negatives are up.
			There's a feeling that Ed isn't
			cool anymore. We're starting to
			see a big L.F.

					GREG
			Hm?
 
					HONCHO #1
			L.F.  Loser Factor.

					HONCHO #2
			That's deadly.

					McILVAINE
			Not necessarily. I mean instead
			of running from the L.F., run
			with it. Create more moments
			like the table thing. We can
			package a video "Ed's Goofiest
			Moments." Let him be America's
			Goofball.

					CYNTHIA
			Isn't this getting kind of
			pathetic. I mean we drank the
			juice, now we're just licking
			peel. Let it go!

					SCHARLACH
			Cynthia, I think you're laboring
			under a misconception. You seem
			to believe that because you
			happened to predict this, we
			should be impressed. We're not.
			Anybody in any business can
			predict failure. 1 need people
			who prevent failure. I want to
			see this thing turned back in the
			right direction. Remember this
			was your baby.


  171   INT. BAR - NIGHT
	"DAY 94"
	Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV.
	They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table.

					TAD
			I don't know, I still love this guy.

					BARRY
			Yeah only I wish they had the
			sister on more.

					TAD
			Ooh, the sister! She is hot.

					BARRY
			You know it.

	REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is
	eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who,
	apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny
	when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the
	alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an
	OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight
	man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up
	and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly.

					JOMA'S FRIEND
			Ignore him.

					JOMA
			I can't! It's like a mudslide.
				(screams out the
				window)
			Put on a shirt!

	ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL

	ANGLE ON TV

					JOMA (CONT'D)
				(yelling)
			I support the fact that your
			exercising but, for the love of
			God, put on a shirt.

					JOMA'S FRIEND
				(to Joma)
			Shut the curtains.

					JOMA
			No! Let him shut the curtains.

	TAD AND BARRY

	Laughing and wiping their eyes.


  172   INT. ED'S BEDROOM
	Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE.

	INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA

					ED
			This Joma is so phoney! I mean,
			those things aren't really
			happening. I think they have
			writers making that stuff up for
			him. Hey, couldn't we do that?
			Hire some writers and have them
			write up some crazy situations I
			could get into?

	She's listening, amazed.

					CYNTHIA
			Ed, everything goes off.
			"Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off --

					ED
				(getting angry)
			Yeah, but when they went off
			people weren't making fun of
			them. They weren't bozos! I'm
			Pumpkin Ass again!

					CYNTHIA
				(getting annoyed)
			Ed --

					ED
			You know, everything you asked me
			to do I did. I call you for
			advice about Shari you say -
				(mocking imitation)
			"Leave her be, see other people
			for a while." You just wanted me
			to get involved with Jill because
			it made for a better show.

					CYNTHIA
			Ed --

					ED
			No. You screwed up my life just
			so you could get higher ratings.
			You never gave a shit about me.

					CYNTHIA
			Yeah? Well I'm not starting now.

	She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux.


  173   INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT
	Ed and John are playing.

					JOHN
			Look, you put anybody on TV
			sixteen hours a day, at some
			point they're going to wind up
			rolling off a table on to a cat.
			I mean with no privacy, there's
			no... dignity.

	Ed thinks.

	Pause.

					ED
			You know about that fireman who
			rescued that little girl?

					JOHN
			When? Today?

					ED
			No! Like, ten years ago. In
			Texas. Baby...
				(tries to remember)
			Jessica!

					JOHN
			Oh right, right! She fell down,
			like a...

					ED
			Yeah, a thing. He became a big
			hero. He was on TV and there was
			a parade and a movie about him

					JOHN
			Right, right...

					ED
			And then, uh... you know it blew
			over and he went back to being a
			fireman again.

					JOHN
				(cheerfully)
			Right.

					ED
			So he killed himself.

					JOHN
				(a little shaken)
			Oh.

	SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS.

	Ed PICKS UP the phone.

					ED
			Hello.

	INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL

	She's crying.

					JEANETTE
			Eddie...

					ED
			Mom?

					JEANETTE
			I'm at the hospital.

					ED
			What's the matter?!

					JEANETTE
			He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It
			was his heart.

					ED
			Oh God. What hospital?

					JEANETTE
			St. Joseph's.

					ED
			I'm coming right over. I'll be right there.

	He hangs up.


  174   INT. TAD'S HOUSE
	Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone.

					TAD
			I told you! I told you he was
			gonna die!


  175   INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER
	Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him.

					ED
			Hi. I'm looking for my mother.
			Her name is --

	A DOCTOR spots him.

					DR. GELLER
			Mr. Pekurny.

					ED
			Yes?

					DR. GELLER
			I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is
			just lying down for a few
			minutes. we gave her something
			to calm her down.

					ED
			Thank you. Can I see her?

					DR. GELLER
			Just wait here. She's coming
			right back out.

					ED
			Mm...
				(wearily)
			Oh, man...

					DR. GELLER
				(sympathetically)

					ED
			What about him -- did he suffer
			any or was it quick? I'd hate to
			think he...

					DR. GELLER
			Very quick. Between you and me,
			it's not a bad way to go. Making
			love to your wife... it's very
			sweet.

					ED
			Really? They were..

					DR. GELLER
				(nods)
			According to your mother. When
			the paramedics got to the hotel,
			she told them that --

					ED
			Hotel? What were they doing in
			a hotel?

					DR. GELLER
			I ... don't know. I ...

					VOICE (O.C.)
			Eddie. Thank God you're here.

	Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just
	entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed.

					AL
			How's your mother?

					ED
				(shocked)
			Al!

					AL
			Our neighbors gave me a ride.

					ED
			Al!!

					AL
			Where is she? Is she all right?

	Ed turns to the doctor.

					ED
			I thought -- I thought he was dead.

					DR. GELLER
			Who?

					ED
			Al!

					DR. GELLER
			No.
				(reads his chart)
			The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny.


  176   INT. TAD'S HOUSE

					TAD
				(stunned)
			Good twist!


  177   INT. HOSPITAL

					AL
			You thought it was me?

					ED
			Yes!

					AL
			It's your father. Hank. Your
			mother went to see him and he had
			a heart attack.

					ED
			Went --

	Again, Ed turns to the doctor.

					NURSE
			Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you.

					DR. GELLER
				(to Ed)
			Excuse me.

					NURSE
				(to Ed)
			Could I get your autograph for my niece?

					ED
				(distracted)
			Um... yeah...

	Jeanette enters.

					JEANETTE
			Al! How did you --

					AL
			The Burkharts drove me. Are you
			all right?

					JEANETTE
				(nervously)
			I'm fine. I ...

					AL
			Good. I gotta pee.

	He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone.

					ED
				(loud whisper)
			What happened?

					JEANETTE
			It was horrible. He called me up.

					ED
			Who?

					JEANETTE
			Hank! He said he wanted to talk
			to me to apologize for everything
			he begged -- he cried.
			So I went to this horrible hotel
			he was staying in... I felt so
			sorry for him --

					ED
			So you had sex with him?

	Jeanette GASPS.

					JEANETTE
			What?

					ED
			The doctor said you were having sex.

					JEANETTE
				(horrified)
			To you? In front of him?
				(indicates Carlos)
			With the...

					ED
			Yes. He assumed Hank was your
			husband. He didn't know.

					JEANETTE
			Oh my god! On TV!

					ED
			Why? How...

					JEANETTE
			One thing led to another. He was
			my husband once.

					ED
			But Al is your husband now!

					JEANETTE
			Do you think it's been easy for
			me? It's been years. Al can't
			have sex.

					ED
			Apparently, neither can Hank.
			What the hell did you do to him?

	Al comes rolling back, SINGING.

					AL
			"Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid...


  178   INT. TV STUDIO

					JEANETTE
				(whispers)
			Don't tell Al. He doesn't know.

					ED
				(points to the camera)
			Well, he's the only one in
			America who doesn't!

	OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone.

					OPRAH
			Women who remarry but have sex
			with their first husbands. on
			today's Oprah.


  179   INT. TV STUDIO
	Our same panel of pundits.

					PANELIST #3
			Ed's family is the tip of the
			iceberg. You watch the daytime
			tabloid shows it's the same
			thing. I'm telling you, America
			is fast becoming a trailer park.

					PANELIST #2
			Let's not overstate the case.
			There are millions of hard-
			working, sensible, moral,
			educated people in this country.
			Not every family is like Ed's.

	REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV.


  180   INT. TV STUDIO
	DAVE OR JAY

	A CHART is set up with little pictures.

					DAVE/JAY
			So let's recap. The mother's too
			good at it, both brothers stink
			at it.
				(there's a drawing of
				a figure falling of
				a table)
			The stepfather can't do it at
			all and the father did it but it
			killed him.
				(there's a drawing
				of a tombstone)
			How did this family ever reproduce
			in the first place?


  181   EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY
	Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by
	POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a
	lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go".


  182   EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
	Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia
	are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD.
	The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is
	shooting.

					ED
				(to Ray)
			You're not going to talk to me?
			You're not even gonna say hello?

					RAY
			I have nothing to say to you.

	Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia.

					ED
			How are you doing? Is Cliff here?

	She doesn't answer. Ed reacts.

					RAY
			Cliff left her, thanks to you.

					ED
			Me?!

					RAY
			That's right. You put Cliff on
			television. So then he decided he
			was too good for her and he left.

					ED
			I put his -- who --
				(to Marcia)
			Look, Marsh, he's not that good
			a singer, he'll be back.

					MARCIA
				(too loudly)
			That's not funny!!

	Ed CRINGES.


  183   EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER
	The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray
	and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is
	attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting
	ruts. Ed approaches.

					ED
			I'11 take it.

					JEANTTE
				(to Al, uncomfortably)
			Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead
			and sign all the papers.

					AL
			Right.

	She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al.

					ED
			Are things gonna be okay with you
			and Mom? Is there anything I can --

					AL
			I'm moving out.

					ED
			What?!

					AL
			I'm going to be living with my
			brother. He's not in such good
			shape as I am, but... I'm looking
			forward to the pillow fights.

					ED
				(really upset)
			Oh, Al ... This is just...

					AL
			Hank was always good with the
			ladies. Always good-looking.
			Hell, he's been dead for two
			days, he still looks better than
			me.

	He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al.

					ED
			I want to tell you something...
			I love you. You're my father.

	Pause.

					AL
			I love you, too.

	Al KISSES him.

					AL (CONT'D)
			I'11 build a pirate ship with
			you.

	Ed wheels him away.


  184   INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
	She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes.


  185   INT. BAR - NIGHT
	This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the
	bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk,
	but she is wallowing.

					ED
			Hi, Ma.

					JEANETTE
				(startled)
			Ed! How did you know I was here?

					ED
			You're famous. Somebody called
			me. What are you doing in a
			place like this?

					JEANETTE
			Why shouldn't I be in a place
			like this? I'm a whore!

					ED
				(cringes)
			Ma...

					JEANETTE
			I'm a tramp
				(pulls on the sleeve of
				the man next to her)
			Meet your new father. The whole
			nation is laughing at us!

					ED
			And how is this helping? come on
			say, good-night to all your new
			friends and let's go home.

					JEANETTE
				(exiting)
			I'm a whore!
				(yells at an employee)
			Your bathrooms are filthy!

	They're out.


  186   EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
	Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY.

					RAY
			I'11 take her. You humiliated
			our mother on national
			television. You've single-
			handedly destroyed this family.

					ED
			I -- Oh, but that book you wrote
			was a real love-letter. That...
			toilet paper with covers.

					BYSTANDER #1
			That book sucked. I want my
			money back.

					ED
			Oh great. Where's Moe?

	He looks around. Moe is gone.

					RAY
			Come on, Ma.

					ED
				(to Ray)
			Let's remember how I got into
			this. "Please, Eddie, do this
			for me. I can't get a break."
				(pretends to cry)

					RAY
			You know what your problem is?

					ED
			Yeah. My problem is I've got a
			brother who writes a sentence
			like "We grew up in a small,
			little bedroom." As opposed to
			a big, little bedroom?

					RAY
			I got paid by the word! No!
			Your problem is you don't ever
			want anything to be your fault.

					ED
			Me?! That's you!

					RAY
			I commit. I take a chance. You
			wanted to be the guy on TV, but
			you didn't want to say you wanted
			to. So you have me talk you into
			it so you get what you want, but
			if it goes bad it's not your
			fault.

					BYSTANDER #2
			Right. Like you say you love
			Shari, but, you wouldn't mind
			noodling that model.

					ED
			Moe!

					BYSTANDER #3
			The truth hurts.

					ED
			Yeah? So does a kick in the
			nuts.

					RAY
			For once in your life, be honest
			with yourself. I know you, Ed.
			I know you look at me and Marcia
			and Mom and you think you're
			different.
			You're like "How did I end up in
			this family?" You're not
			different. you're worse.
			Because you have no guts. 
			You drift around, you don't commit,
			you make fun of me -- okay. Just
			don't kid yourself.
				(to Jeanette)
			Let's go.

					JEANETTE
			You're both good boys.

	Ray and Jeanette leave.


  187   INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
	Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There
	are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there.
	This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet -
	observing. Ed looks whipped.

					ED
			Three more months?

					MR. SCHARLACH
			Absolutely! Ed TV is more
			popular than ever.
			Congratulations.

					McILVAINE
			Only, Ed, we want you, in the
			next few weeks to spend a lot
			more time with your family.

					ED
			You do?

					SEAVER
			Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him.

	Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY.

					SEAVER (CONT'D)
			I'11 do it.
				(to Ed)
			People want to see what happens
			to them now. Do your mother and
			step-father get back together?
			How does your sister handle being
			alone? Your feud with your
			brother.

					SCHARLACH
			In fact, we have a new concept.
			Since your family signed
			releases, we can follow them on
			camera even when you're not with
			them. We can cut around from
			family member to family member.
			Whoever's the most exciting at
			that moment.

					McILVAINE
			And, of course, it's another big
			bonus payment for you.

	Pause.

					ED
			A couple of years ago my Uncle
			Roy got bit on the ass by a dog.

	Silence. What the hell is he talking about?

					ED (CONT'D)
			So he gave me his tickets to the U.S.
			Open -- the tennis matches.

	They still have no idea what he's talking about.

					ED (CONT'D)
			So me and Ray, we tell our
			friends "Watch when Andre Agassi
			is gonna serve for the first
			time. When he's bouncing the
			ball and it's real quiet, we'11
			yell "Whoop". And you'11 all
			hear us."

	Pause.

					SCHARLACH
			I see.
				(he doesn't)

					ED
			You know what that is? It's sad.
			I mean it was just so we could be
			heard. So we could stand out
			from the crowd for a second. So
			we did it. But we had nothing to
			say. Just "Whoop". That's it.
			And the stupid part  I mean the
			really stupid part is we
			thought it like... elevated us
			above the crowd. Where the fact
			is it made us stupider than the
			crowd.

					SCHARLACH
			I see.

					ED
			Stop saying "I see." You don't
			see. Cynthia, I owe you an
			apology.

					CYNTHIA
			I don't think so.

					ED
			Yeah. Because, you didn't talk
			me into anything. Everything you
			wanted me to do, I wanted to do.


  188   INT. SHARI'S PLACE
	Shari watching Ed TV.


  189   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

					ED
				(to the camera)
			Ray, you were right. It's like
			in school. I was always saying
			"the room was too hot, the
			teacher didn't like me" -- but it
			was me! Everything that's wrong
			with my life I did. Okay? So
			now this is it. My family has
			problems. Which are our fault.
			And TV is not the place to solve
			them. So I quit. I'm taking
			what very little dignity I've got
			left and I quit. Can someone
			validate my parking?

	Pause. SHOCK.

					MR. SCHARLACH
			Well, Ed, that's ... not really
			possible.

					ED
			All right, I'11 pay for the
			parking. Big network!

	Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera.
	He doesn't want to come off as a villain.

					SCHARLACH
			No, I mean you can't quit.

	Ed thinks.

					ED
			I can't?

					MR. SCHARLACH
				(very gently)
			Well, no. You agreed to stay on
			the air as long as we asked you
			to. The station entered into
			this on that understanding. If
			you had refused we'd have begun
			this with somebody else. You
			can't just change the rules in
			the middle of the game, son.
			It's not fair to us. More
			importantly, it's not fair to the
			viewers. They're interested in
			you. They've devoted hours and
			days and weeks of their lives to
			you.

					ED
			Look, if you don't let me out of
			this... I'11 just... I'11 just
			sit in my apartment all day. I
			won't go anywhere, I won't do
			anything. What kind of show will
			that be?

					MR. SCHARLACH
			Not too good. That's why it
			states in your contract that if
			you do not continue to live a
			normal life, you're in violation
			and are liable for the station's
			financial losses. Ed, I urge you
			to reconsider. I urge you on
			behalf of all those people out
			there whose lives have become so
			entwined with yours. Play fair
			with them, Ed.

					ED
			All right. Let them decide.

	He turns right to the camera.

					ED (CONT'D)
			I'd like you all to do me a
			favor. Turn me off. Just grab
			the remote and change the
			channel. I mean, basically, all
			you're watching now is a guy
			deteriorate.
			The only thing missing is the
			smell. You're better than that 
			Turn me off. Thank you.


  190   INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE
	Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper.

					GREG
			Ratings are up across the board.
			Look at this!
				(drones on)
			Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ...

	Cynthia stares, amazed.


  191   EXT. STREET
	Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM.


  192   INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY
	Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his
	desk.

					STEVE
			This contract you signed? ... It's
			a masterpiece. Don't go to war
			with these guys. You fart in the
			wrong direction they can take
			everything you own and leave you
			naked by the side of the road.
			You ever going to get back with
			that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice.
			Shari, I didn't like that much
				("imitates" a gabby
				girl)
			"yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet."

					ED
			Shut up.


  193   INT. DINER - NIGHT
	Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras
	and shielded by BODYGUARDS.

	OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the
	sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just
	staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes
	a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES.

	He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth.


  194   EXT. STREET - NIGHT
	Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera.

					SHARI
			1 bailed. I bailed on you.

					ED
			Kinda'.

					SHARI
			It's what I do. I yell
			"Geronimo" and jump out of a
			relationship.

	He laughs.

	Pause.

					SHARI (CONT'D)
			You weren't able to make me feel
			safe or secure -- no easy job for
			any  man, I admit -- and my
			problem is, if I think I'm
			losing, I pull myself out of the
			game. I bail. See? I told you,
			I'm the love coroner.

					ED
			What did you do to your hair?

					SHARI
			My truck overheated, so I opened
			the hood and my hair got caught
			in the fan belt. So I had to get
			a haircut.

					ED
			It's nice.

	He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're
	KISSING.


  195   INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
	Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia.
	All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored.

					HONCHO #l
			I think this could be great.
			What if Ed and Shari decide to
			get married? A wedding? The
			cute, little half-Asian nephew in
			a tuxedo, carrying the ring on
			one of those big fluffy pillows -
			we'11 kill. A sixty share.

	A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered.

					MILDRED
			Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're
			not watching TV?

					SCHARLACH
			No, Mildred, we're working.

					MILDRED
			Um... Ed -- and Shari are --

					SEAVER
			Engaged?

					MILDRED
			No. Here. They're in the
			building. They're on their way
			up.

	Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV.
	Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall.
	They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are
	with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON.

					ED
			Hi, kids. Busy?

	MUCH CONFUSION

					ED (CONT'D)
			I just came up to pass out these
			Ed TV hats.

	He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on
	the heads of the Honchos.

					ED (CONT'D)
			A guy made these up for me. He
			spelled Ed with two D's. Okay,
			listen. The real reason I came
			up here -- and then I'11 get out
			of your way -- is I've been
			thinking about what you said.
			About let's start having more fun
			with this show, you know? Let's
			give it a big kick in the ass.

					HONCHO #1
			Well, we were thinking --

					ED
				(cheerfully)
			Shut up.

	He takes back that Honcho's hat.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Let's have a contest. Now this
			would mostly be open to
			professional investigators and
			detectives. But anyone can join
			in.

					SHARI
				(rehearsed)
			What do we have to do?

					ED
			My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm
			glad you asked. The contest is
			who can dig up -- legally, of
			course -- I'm not suggesting
			that anyone break any laws --
			the most embarrassing and
			humiliating facts about any of
			the executives here at the North
			American Broadcasting System which
			owns Real TV.

	The Honchos staring blankly.

					ED (CONT'D)
			But facts! They have to be
			verified. Anything from their
			past, their present, business,
			personal -- arrests, affairs ...
			And whoever comes up with the
			sleaziest, most degrading
			material -- I'11 give you ten
			thousand dollars. And you get to
			be on Ed TV.
				(to the Honchos,
				excitedly)
			Hah?

					SHARI
			So act now. Here's Ed's home
			phone number.

	She holds up a CARD.


  196   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
	It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated,
	except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone.

					SCHARLACH
			Legal?! How can this be legal?
			It's defamation! It's slander!
			It's...

					LAWYER
			Not, technically. He is not
			showing a reckless disregard for
			the truth.

					SCHARLACH
			You're fired!

	The meeting continues ANGRILY.


  197   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
	The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS.

	In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a
	telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al
	and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING.

					RAY
				(into phone)
			Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She
			was how old?

	In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY.

	The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone.

					AL
				(shocked)
			He pays a prostitute to do what
			to him? I don't even want that
			on my shoes.

	IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

	FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't
	stop.

					SCHARLACH
			Stop laughing or you're fired.

	She stops.
	Then she gets up.

					SCHARLACH (CONT'D)
			Where are you going?

					CYNTHIA
			I've got this great idea. We put
			together a video. "The Network
			Executives Goofiest Moments." And
			listen, i've really loved working
			here.

	On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits,
	LAUGHING.


  198   INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
	Ed is off the phone,

					ED
			Okay. We have a winner. Now
			please don't feel badly if yours
			wasn't selected. In our eyes,
			you're all winners.

					RAY
			And each contestant gets one of
			these.
				(holds up a tee-shirt
				with writing on it)
			An "I tried to screw a network
			executive" tee-shirt.

					ED
			A hundred per cent cotton. Okay,
			here we go, Andy.

	Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not
	terribly well.

					ED (CONT'D)
			Andy's available for executions.
			And the winner is ...

	As he opens the envelope.


  199   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
	The Executives staring, HORRIFIED.


  200   INT. ED'S APARTMENT
	He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise.

					ED
			Hey, the winner is from right
			here in New York city.
			Carl Bowers a former orderly at
			the Martin Center -- a clinic
			that specializes in, what they
			call, male enhancement
			procedures.


  201   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
	Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR.


  202   INT. ED'S APARTMENT

					ED
				(to the camera)
			How many of you know what a
			penile implant is? As it was
			explained to me, what happens is--


  203   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
	As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it
	for a moment.


  204   INT. ED'S APARTMENT

					ED
			And the man of the hour -- the
			executive with the winning secret
			the man who, thanks to the
			miracle of space-age science and
			a pump he keeps in his pocket,
			can now --

	A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is
	replaced by a Real TV logo.

					ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
			And that concludes Real TV's
			coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned
			for new programming information.

	MUSAK


  205   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM


  206   INT. TV STUDIO
	An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER.


  207   INT. TV STUDIO
	The PANEL.


  208   EXT. CHURCH

					ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
			A spokesperson for Real TV
			announced that Ed received a
			check covering his four months on
			the air, his balloon payment and
			an additional bonus to show the
			Network's appreciation for all
			his -- quote -- hard work and
			loyalty -- unquote. When asked --

								CUT TO:

	The Panel.

					PANELIST #1
			In five years no one will even
			remember this person.

					PANELIST #4
			Five years! Six months. He's
			the "macarena." He's --

								CUT TO:

	A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding.

					REPORTER
			Marcia Pekurny, the woman known
			to most Americans as "Ed's
			sister" was married here today to
			Carlos Coto, who some of you may
			remember as the primary camera
			operator on "Ed TV" --

								CUT TO:

  209   INT. TV STUDIO
	A news show.

					NEWS ANCHOR
			The current rage of "Reality
			Television" got a real dose of
			reality today. Lifestyle
			Televisions Joma was shot this
			evening, outside his apartment.
			Because Joma was on television
			twenty-four hours a day,
			Lifestyle's cameras were there to
			record the shooting.

	WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward
	with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the
	bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk.

					JOKA
			Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me
			in the ass!

	The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as
	someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time.

					ASSAILANT
			Now I'm famous.

	REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television.

					ED
			I know him. I gave him an autograph.

	Shari turns it off.




	THE END