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Funny People Movie Script

Writer(s) : Judd Apatow

Genres : Comedy, Drama

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                                  FUNNY PEOPLE



                                   Written by

                                   Judd Apatow





                                                        April 29, 2008
          

          INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT

          GEORGE SIMMONS, 42, sits in a giant living room watching bad
          television on a 70-inch flat screen TV. He looks bored and
          empty. After a few beats he pauses the TV, and picks up the
          phone.

          GEORGE
          (on the phone)
          Hey, it's George Simmons, I'm
          coming in.

          INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

          Shots of George doing stand up on stage at a comedy club.
          The place adores him. We see quick images of him after the
          show interacting with people. He is clearly a very famous
          comedian.

          INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

          George has sex with a girl in her early twenties.

          INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT

          George sits back down, the thrill of his performance is gone,
          he is bored and alone again. He hits play on his TV and
          begins watching his show from the same spot it was at before.

          MUSIC UP:"WITH A LITTLE LUCK" - PAUL MCCARTNEY

          BEGIN CREDIT SEQUENCE

          INT. BEL AIR HOME - BEDROOM - DAY

          GEORGE wakes up in a large, clean, modern house. He is all
          alone. We get the feeling that he hired someone to decorate
          his house. It is very nice, but doesn't seem personal to him
          at all. It feels new, with all the gadgets, but a little
          cold. On the kitchen table is a stack of scripts he is
          supposed to read.

          EXT. GEORGE'S HOME - MORNING

          George hits balls in his home batting cage. Then we see him
          driving golf balls inside there. In the background we see
          his modern, space ship looking house. It is enormous.

          

          

          

          

          2.

          INT. BATHROOM - LATER

          George walks into a fancy, steam-filled shower.

          EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

          George drives his large black Mercedes.

          EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - DAY

          George gets out of his car and walks towards the tower. Two
          COLLEGE STUDENTS walk over.

          COLLEGE STUDENT
          Hey George, can I get a picture
          with you?

          GEORGE
          Sure buddy. Let's do it.
          One of the college students put his arm around George while
          the other takes the picture.

          COLLEGE STUDENT #2
          Can I get one?

          GEORGE
          Yeah bud.
          They take the picture.

          COLLEGE STUDENT
          You're the man. We love all your
          movies, even the last one.

          GEORGE
          Thanks. Tell your friends.

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          George sits in the doctor's office staring at the photos of
          the doctor with his beautiful young children. DOCTOR STEVENS
          enters and sits down. He takes a deep breath.

          GEORGE
          I like those lunestas. They really
          put me to sleep without giving me
          the sleeping pill hangover I get
          from the restorils.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          3.

          GEORGE (COIN ' D )

          (BEAT)
          I try not to take them too often.
          Just when I know I have to get up
          early.

          DOCTOR STEVENS
          George there are some
          irregularities in your blood
          work...
          George's face turns white. He knows what this means. The
          doctor keeps talking but the sound keeps coming in and out--
          it is now all a jumble of words.

          ANGLE ON GEORGE'S POV
          We see photos of the doctor's family, his graduation
          certificates, files of other cases, odd doctor's office art,
          a picture of him skiing with his family. He keeps talking,
          but now we hear nothing.
          MUSIC UP - "MY SHIT's FUCKED UP" BY WARREN ZEVON

          EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - MOMENTS LATER

          George walks down the stairs towards the parking lot in a
          daze. An ASIAN GIRL and her MOTHER and BROTHER see him and
          start screaming.

          GIRL
          Oh my God. Can you take a picture
          with me?

          GEORGE
          Yeah, sure.
          She puts her arm around him. Her little brother jumps in
          too.

          GIRL
          Thanks. You are the funniest.

          GEORGE
          Thanks, pal.

          !NT. CAR - DAY
          George drives home. We hear the voice of his doctor in his
          head.

          

          

          

          

          4.

          DOCTOR STEVENS (V.0.)
          It's a rare blood disorder. In the
          family of Hodgkins disease. We
          really don't have a treatment for
          it. There are things we can try.
          They're all very experimental in
          nature.

          GEORGE (V.0.)
          I don't understand what this means.

          DOCTOR STEVENS (V.0.)
          I think you need to hope for the
          best and prepare for the worst. Is
          there someone who can help you get
          your affairs in order?

          INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET - DAY

          IRA, a 25-year-old, works at the deli counter, along with
          CHUCK, a large, sweet-looking 45-year-old deli counter lifer,
          and GAIL, a very skinny, very old, straight-talking,
          humorless woman in her fifties.
          Ira is in the middle of a very long conversation with a
          middle-aged WOMAN.

          WOMAN
          Is the turkey organic?

          IRA
          Yes, ma'am.

          WOMAN
          Well what does organic mean?

          IRA
          It means there's no additives or
          preservatives and it's hormone
          free.

          WOMAN
          Are there additives or
          preservatives in the food they feed
          the turkey?

          IRA
          I don't know ma'am.

          

          

          

          

          5.

          WOMAN
          I heard that because turkeys are
          fatty birds, mercury gets stuck in
          their fat. My daughter-in-law, she
          ate turkey and then she had a
          miscarriage.

          IRA
          I haven't heard about that. But I
          may not be informed enough to
          comment.

          WOMAN
          Well, you're not a doctor, so you
          shouldn't comment.

          IRA
          You are correct, I am not a doctor.

          INT. DELI COUNTER - LATER

          Ira and Chuck are preparing trays of food.

          IRA
          You should come see me do stand-up
          tonight at the Comedy and Magic
          Club.

          CHUCK
          I can't go through that again, man,
          that was painful.

          IRA
          That was five months ago. I've
          gotten a lot better.

          CHUCK
          They pay you yet?

          IRA
          Nah, not there. I just hang out and
          hope somebody doesn't show.

          CHUCK
          Wow, is there anyway for you to.be
          lower in show business? I don't
          know if you could even say you're
          in show business. Why don't you
          just fucking settle down and enjoy
          this gig? This is a sweet
          situation. The money's good,
          you've got health insurance.

          

          

          

          

          6.

          IRA
          Dude, I know you like it here but
          if I have to work here another year
          I would kill myself.

          CHUCK
          Really? In that case, when we bury
          you does it have to be in some kind
          of Jew cemetery? Next to Al Jolson
          or some shit?

          IRA
          Just come. I need the support.

          CHUCK
          No way. I'm funnier than you. And
          I'm not even that funny. I would go
          if I was paying to see me.

          IRA
          I'll pay your cover charge.

          CHUCK
          Okay, well you better be good,
          because I'm bringing a date.

          IRA
          Laughter's the ultimate lubricant.

          INT. BEL AIR HOME - DUSK

          An Otis Redding song is playing as George walks around his
          house in a daze, not sure how to process this. He doesn't
          call anybody. There's nobody in sight. We see images of him
          thinking about the unthinkable and the life he's lead.
          He sits in his office, surrounded by photos of himself at
          difference ages. It builds to a sequence of him going
          through stacks of old photos and watching videos of himself,
          reviewing his life, trying to make sense of what it all
          meant. We see clips of his good movies and his last bad
          movie. On the wall is a poster of a buddy film which shows
          him and another famous comedian.
          ON-SCREEN -- home video of George at college. George is
          hanging out with his friends. They are acting goofy, having
          the time of their lives. George looks very young, skinny,
          and carefree. Life has never been better. They play a
          ridiculous drinking game and laugh uproariously.

          

          

          

          

          7.
          ANOTHER IMAGE - We see a very young George performing stand-
          up on Late Night with David Letterman. He's so young and
          naive, he seems like a completely different person.
          ANGLE ON George watching silently. He has no idea what to
          make of this journey of his.

          END CREDIT SEQUENCE

          INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY

          Ira sits with one of his roommates, LEO, who is also an
          aspiring comedian. They sit across from each other, kicking
          around joke ideas they have, trying to write new ones. We
          see an entire pitch session play out.
          Ira's joke pitches are all over the place. He clearly hasn't
          figured out what his stage persona is yet.

          IRA
          I was thinking about doing
          something about how I'm not good
          looking and I'm not bad looking.
          I'm just good looking enough that
          if I had a good personality, it
          could put me over the top. If that
          was the case.

          LEO
          Yeah, something about how the
          uglier you are, the better the
          personality you need. And the
          hotter you are, the stupider you
          can be.

          IRA
          I had a joke once about how you
          never see incredibly hot, blonde,
          homeless women. Because someone
          will always take care of that kind
          of woman. That woman could be the
          dumbest person on earth and she
          will survive in this world.

          LEO
          Maybe something like... you can be
          hot and stupid and survive in the
          world. And you can be smart and
          ugly and survive in the world. The
          people who have trouble are the
          stupid, ugly people.

          

          

          

          

          8.

          IRA
          That could work.

          LEO
          Let me keep that one, because I
          thought of most of it.

          IRA
          That's not cool. I came up with
          the concept! What do you got?
          Let's work on what you have.

          LEO
          I've got nothing in the notebook.
          I got drunk last night. But I need
          material, because I just got spots
          at the Improv. Budd saw me and
          approved me. I'm in.

          IRA
          How could they make you a regular?
          I got turned down twice.

          LEO
          Sorry, man. They're only going to
          let in one chubby, caustic Jew, so
          I think you're fucked.
          Their other roommate, MARK, walks in, waves a check at them.

          MARK
          Hey, dudes. You see this check
          that I got from my TV show for
          25,000 an episode? There was
          another one of these on the kitchen
          counter. Did you see it?

          IRA
          No we didn't see it. Just don't
          leave those things laying around.

          MARK
          I wouldn't leave it around if they
          didn't give me so many. They give
          it to me every episode.

          LEO
          Don't throw it in our face that
          you're on a shitty show.

          

          

          

          

          9.

          MARK
          I wouldn't, if it was a shitty show
          and not what Time magazine called
          "insightful and delightful."

          IRA
          I thought you were moving out.

          MARK
          I decided I like it here. Living
          with you guys keeps me grounded. I
          don't want to be the guy living in
          the house on the hill. Even though
          I could afford it. Hey, I saw that
          girl comic you like who lives
          upstairs. I invited her in. She's
          here.

          IRA
          She's in our apartment? I've never
          even talked to her. I just gave
          her quarters at the washing
          machine.

          MARK
          You were right, she is pretty mousy
          and sexy. You gotta talk to her.

          IRA
          I need time. I have a three-month
          plan.

          MARK
          I'll give you ten days for your
          three-month plan, then I am going
          to fuck her. You can't just leave
          that laying around. Starting right
          now.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          Mark is talking to DAISY, an alternative-feeling, dark-haired
          girl in her early twenties. His television show is on the

          TV.

          MARK
          The thing about working on a sitcom
          is it's 22 weeks a year, so I can
           do stand-up the rest of the year.

           (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          10.

          MARK (CONT'D)
          But now people want to see me
          because they see me on a TV show,
          so I am kind of a draw. Have you
          seen the show?

          DAISY
          I don't own a TV.

          MARK
          Well I think you can download it to
          an iPod.
          Ira walks in.

          MARK (CONT'D)
          Hey Ira, this is Daisy.

          DAISY
          how's it going?

          IRA
          Nice to meet you. I think I gave
          you quarters once.
          Ira walks over to the kitchen area, takes out a paper cup.
          He pours some orange juice without looking and the paper cup
          falls over and spills all over the counter. Mark looks
          horrified.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          (nervously joking)
          Don't worry, I'll just lick it off
          the counter.
          Nobody laughs. Ira starts wiping up the OJ with a rag.

          INT. COMEDY AND MAGIC CLUB - NIGHT

          Leo is on stage, performing his act, doing well.
          ANGLE ON Ira watching, both amused and jealous. A MAGICIAN
          and the EMCEE walks over to him.

          EMCEE
          Schneider didn't show up so, you
          can do ten minutes after Leo.

          MAGICIAN
          Don't go long because I have to
          load pigeons into my suit. I have
          to let them out or they'll die.
          I'm not fucking around.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          11.

          MAGICIAN (CONT'D)
          So when you get the light, don't go
          long. You've got one minute.
          ANGLE ON Leo on stage, doing a few more jokes. A MANAGER
          walks over to Ira.

          MANAGER
          Hey man. George Simmons just got
          here, he wants to go up. You're
          bumped. We'll put you on after
          George.

          IRA
          Well how long is he going to do?

          MANAGER
          I don't know. Last night he did
          five minutes. Last week he did an
          hour. fie'il do what he wants to do.

          IRA
          Well what about the magician? He
          just loaded his pigeons. He said I
          have to get off in ten minutes.

          MANAGER
          I'll have him unload the pigeons.
          Just be ready.
          Leo finishes his set to huge applause then comes off stage.

          LEO
          That was good, right? Some of the
          new stuff worked.

          IRA
          I just got bumped by George
          Simmons.

          LEO
          Are you serious? Shit - I've got a
          spot at the Improv, I cant hang
          out, damn.

          ANGLE ON THE STAGE

          EMCEE
          A lot of times you hear about going
          to a comedy club and someone
          exciting shows up. I won't lie to
          you, that usually never happens.
          But tonight it is happening.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          12.

          EMCEE (CONT'D)
          Ladies and gentleman, you know him
          from [movie credits to go here]
          George Simmons?
          George walks on stage. The place goes crazy. He does some
          of his normal routine and the audience laughs and is very
          appreciative.
          As George continues his act, it starts getting darker and
          darker until he is talking about death and the lack of
          meaning in it all.

          GEORGE
          Ah life. What does it mean?
          sometimes life makes perfect sense.
          And then you `come'.

          ON IRA

          IRA
          He's killing the crowd. Jesus, I
          can't follow this shit.
          After completely losing the crowd, and some minor
          confrontations with audience members, he exits the stage.

          GEORGE
          Life isn't all about laughs. Crazy
          shit happens. You've got to be
          nice to each other. You never know
          what's going to happen.
          Ira passes George as he heads onto the stage.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Sorry I sucked it up out there. At
          least they are well rested for you.
          Ira, takes the stage. He starts trying to do his act, but he
          is unsure of himself and unable to figure out how to take the
          weird energy of the room and spin it to his advantage. He
          basically bombs. We reveal Chuck and his date watching,
          looking miserable.

          IRA
          I'm not good looking. I'm not bad
          looking. I'm just in the middle.
          And if I had a personality that was
          Jut good enough, it would put me
          over the edge.
          The joke fails. We reveal George also watching him bomb,
          amused by his struggle. He sees something he likes in Ira.

          

          

          

          

          13.

          EXT. PARKING LOT

          Ira walks to his car. In the spot next to him is an enormous
          Suburban SUV parked in a spot meant for compact cars. It is
          so close to Ira's car that it isn't possible to open the
          door. He hears some banging and odd wails from in the car.
          Ira knocks on the window. We see that George is sitting in
          his car in a world of pain. He's clearly been crying. The
          knock startles him. He turns to Ira.

          IRA
          Sorry, man. I didn't mean to
          disturb you. I just can't open my
          door. There's no room.

          GEORGE
          Oh I'm sorry. Let me pull out.
          George pulls the car back ten feet.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (calling to Ira)
          Hey man, you had some funny shit
          tonight.

          IRA
          Thanks!

          GEORGE
          Man, that audience hated you. They
          really did not like you. They liked
          your buddy, who looked exactly like
          you but was funnier. Man, that's
          going to haunt you. You're going
          to wake up in six months and think
          about this night.

          IRA
          Well, I'll probably bomb worse
          tomorrow and forget about this one.

          GEORGE
          I'm just fucking with you. You had
          some funny jokes in there. Good
          writing.

          IRA
          Well, obviously, I'm a... you
          know...I grew up on your shit, man.
          George just stares at him.

          

          

          

          

          14.

          GEORGE
          Alright, pal. Don't worry. Only
          two hundred people saw that
          tonight. I'll see you later.
          George pulls out, turns the car around, and as he passes by
          Ira, he steers his car as if he's going to run him down, and
          starts screaming...

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          You're gonna die!!! I'm gonna kill
          you!
          Then he smiles at Ira and drives off. Ira smiles. This is
          the greatest thing that's ever happened to him.

          INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY

           FULL SCREEN COMPUTER: We see a comedy short made by Leo.
          It's very funny.

          IRA
          Holy shit, you got seven hundred
          thousand hits in four days.

          LEO
          They put it on the main page at
          YouTube and it exploded. Which
          would be awesome if someone would
          pay me.
          The phone rings.

          IRA
          Hello?

          GEORGE (V.0.)
          Hey, is this Ira?

          IRA
          Yeah. Who is this?

          GEORGE
          It's George.

          IRA
          Oh my gosh. Hey, how is it going?

          

          

          

          

          15.

          GEORGE
          I thought you and Leo were pretty
          funny last night and I have to do
          this corporate gig for Apple
          computers in a couple of days and I
          thought you guys could write me
          some jokes.

          IRA
          Definitely. What kind of jokes?
          Leo passes by in the background. We see Ira decide not to
          include him in this job offer.

          GEORGE
          I don't know, about computers and
          shit. I could mainly do my act but
          they like it if you talk about them
          a little.

          IRA
          No problem. Where do you want me
          to send em?

          GEORGE
          What is your email? I will send
          you my fax and email and all that.

          IRA
          It's a...irasexira,®gmail.com.

          GEORGE
          (long silence)
          I almost just changed my mind. You
          got to change that.

          IRA
          Ok.

          GEORGE
          Today. Seriously. Ok. Later.
          Ira hangs up and turns to his friends.

          IRA
          That was George Simmons. He wants
          me to write jokes for him.

          LEO
          Holy shit. That is awesome. You
          are so lucky.

          

          

          

          

          16.

          MARK
          Are you gonna get to meet him?

          IRA
          I don't know, but he is gonna send
          me his email address.

          LEO
          We are gonna have his email
          address? I have to send him the
          link to my short.

          IRA
          Easy. Let me get in there a little
          more.

          CUT TO:

          INT. IRA'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Ira is writing jokes. The camera follows the letters being
          typed on the computer screen as he types.
          "Always erase your web history. I had a girlfriend hit
          history and see eleven hundred porn sites that I visited in
          an hour."
          Jonah sticks his head in.

          LEO
          I got one, but you have to tell him
          its mine. The best thing about
          Leopard is it lets you watch a
          porno, write a porno, shoot a
          porno, and order a porno all at the
          same time. And you guys made that
          possible.
          We see QUICK IMAGES of him typing and printing. He is
          writing an enormous amount of jokes. Way more than George
          will ever need. Writing, typing, re-writing in pen, then re-
          typing, etc.
          Ira hesitates, then hits send.

          INT. IRA'S BEDROOM

          Ira is asleep. The clock says noon.
          The phone rings. He answers it, groggy.

          

          

          

          

          17.

          GEORGE
          There's some funny shit in here.
          Not a bad ratio of good jokes to
          shit.

          IRA
          Thanks man. I just want to give
          you a lot of choices.

          GEORGE
          Too many choices. I don't like
          reading that much. I need like ten
          good jokes. I'm a little mad you
          made me read that many to get to
          ten. But thanks for doing it.

          IRA
          Oh, it was fun to try to write in
          your voice. I spent the whole
          night pretending I was you.

          GEORGE
          So you cried yourself to sleep?

          (ALT)
          So you whacked off three times last
          night? Don't worry, I'll get you
          some money. Is five hundred good?

          IRA
          Yeah! That'll work.

          GEORGE
          I'm leaving at four tomorrow to go
          to the gig. You want to come check
          it out, see if your shit works?

          INT. IRA'S APARTMENT

          CLOSE-UP on their curtains, as they wait for George to pull
          up.

          LEO
          Can we go outside and meet him?

          IRA
          No you can't. Because then we look
          like fans.

          MARK
          Maybe he's seen my show.

          

          

          

          

          18.

          IRA
          He doesn't watch your show. You're
          show is for eight-year-olds. It's
          a family show, he doesn't watch
          that shit.

          LEO
          I'll just go outside and pretend
          I'-,n washing my car.
          The Limo pulls up outside.

          LEO (CONT'D)
          Holy shit. I feel like my little
          girl is going to the prom.

          INT./EXT. LIMO - MOMENTS LATER

          The door opens, Ira gets in.

          GEORGE
          How you doing, you ready for this?

          IRA
          Yeah, this'll be fun.

          GEORGE
          I think I'm going to have you go on
          before me to warn them up.

          IRA
          You don't have to do that. What if
          I bomb?

          GEORGE
          Hey, if you bomb, they'll just be
          more excited to see me. They'll be
          so glad your not on stage any more.
          Then if you do well, they'll be
          ready for me. Either way, you're
          helpful.

          I/E PRIVATE JET - LATER
          The limo pulls up to a private jet. Ira is shocked.
          A moment later they're picking up speed to take off. George
          seems really relaxed. Nothing registers that the jet is
          going faster and faster and taking off.

          

          

          

          

          19.
           As they're having a conversation, Ira seems really freaked
          out. Ira pretends he isn't.

          GEORGE
          I like this joke about watching
          porn and making porn all at the
          same time. That was a good one.

          IRA
          (turning white from

          TAKEOFF)
          Oh good. Yeah, I thought you'd
          like that one. I was really happy
          with that one.

          GEORGE
          You want something to eat? I had
          them bring Chinese on the plane.
          Ira's eyes widen. He likes this way of life.

          INT. BALLROOM - LATER

          DAVE from Apple is walking George and Ira into the room.
          It's a giant room that holds a thousand people at banquet
          tables.
          ON STAGE - Sting is finishing up a set. This is a huge
          corporate event.

          DAVE
          Okay, what do you want them to say
          when he introduces you? Do you
          have any credits he should mention?

          IRA
          (long beat)
          Uh...credits? I don't really have
          any credits. Maybe you could just
          say I've been working on Apples for
          so long, my first one weighed more
          than I did.
          Nobody laughs.

          GEORGE
          And just say he's a friend of mine,
          and I think he's funny.

          

          

          

          

          20.

          INT. STAGE - LATER

          Ira's on stage doing his act. He tells two jokes that don't
          do very well. And then he panics and does the joke about
          jerking off and shooting a movie all at the same time.
          ANGLE ON George, shaking his head, amused that he panicked
          and did one of the jokes he sold to him.
          CUT TO the wings of the stage.
          Ira's walking off stage.

          GEORGE
          What the fuck is that? You did
          three of the jokes that you wrote
          for me.

          IRA
          I panicked. They just wanted jokes
          about computers.

          GEORGE
          That's why I hired you, to write
          jokes about computers.
          Ira takes out the long list of jokes he's written.

          IRA
          But there's a lot more. The first
          three on this page. You didn't
          think they would work, but I think
          they will. You should just try
          them.

          GEORGE
          They better kill, I'm getting paid
          a hundred thousand dollars for
          this.

          IRA
          Are you serious?
          ANGLE ON DAVE on stage.

          DAVE
          Ladies and gentleman, George
          Simmons.
          George does a few Apple jokes that do kill, and then he
          segues into his normal act. When he wants to be, he is a
          great performer.

          

          

          

          

          21.

          INT. PLANE - LATER

          George and Ira sit on the plane, on the way back.

          GEORGE
          We'll be on the ground in a half
          hour. Want to go to a bar? Do
          something fun?

          IRA
          Sure. I like fun.

          GEORGE
          Here's a grand for the jokes and
          the gig. Even though you should be
          paying me after that.
          Ira's eyes widen.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Good job.

          IRA
          That's the most money I've ever
          made doing anything in comedy.

          GEORGE
          Then this is an exciting moment.

          IRA
          Well, I didn't make a hundred grand
          like you.

          GEORGE
          I feel nothing. I remember when a
          grand was the most exciting thing
          in the world. I'd go to Red
          Lobster and go nuts. Now it's just
          numbers in a bank account. Enjoy
          tonight. You made a thousand
          bucks.

          MUSIC UP

          INT. BAR - NIGHT

          George and Ira enter. People are very excited to see George.
          They give him a nice table.
          -- George and Ira talk to two women, MANDY and DAWN. They
          both seem really into George. Ira feels kind of left out.

          

          

          

          

          22.
          -- George focuses on Mandy, flirting and preparing her to go
          home with him.
          -- The other girl is now talking to a very uncomfortable Ira.
          She is not into it.

          GEORGE
          Hey, let's all go back to my house.

          MANDY
          Great!

          IRA

          (HOPEFUL)
          Yeah, that sounds like a... nice
          idea.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          Music is playing. Everybody is drinking. Mandy is doing
          some weird sort of sexy dance for George.

          MANDY
          This house is so big. It's bigger
          than the college I went to.

          GEORGE
          Oh there's a whole other wing that
          you wouldn't even know existed
          unless you went through this door.

          MANDY
          I want to see, I want to see.
          George and Mandy disappear. Ira and Dawn are left alone.

          IRA
          You are very pretty.

          DAWN
          I have a boyfriend. Nothing is
          going to happen.

          IRA
          I didn't say anything was going to
          happen. I just said you were
          pretty. How do you even know I
          wanted something to happen?

          DAWN
          I hope she doesn't take a long
          time.

          

          

          

          

          23.

          INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          George is having sex with Mandy.

          MANDY
          I can't believe I'm having sex with
          Davey!

          GEORGE
          He can't believe he's having sex
          with you.

          INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

          Ira and Dawn are watching one of George's films. Neither
          looks very happy or comfortable. George enters.

          GEORGE
          Hey, Mandy thought you left, so she
          left.

          DAWN
          Really?

          GEORGE
          Sorry, that kind of stuff happens
          when you have a big house.

          DAWN
          Oh, well then I guess I better get
          going?

          GEORGE
          You don't have to go. I'm just
          saying that she left. I think she
          left her purse in the other wing.
          Come with me, let's go get it.
          Ira watches this, astonished.

          GEORGE (CONT' D )
          Did Ira tell you I have a room with
          all the classic pinball machines
          and video games?

          DAWN
          That sounds awesome.

          GEORGE
          Yeah, I got Galaga. Let's go check
          it out.

          

          

          

          

          24.
          George looks over his shoulder at Ira, as if to say, "A man's
          gotta do what a man's gotta do."

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (to Ira)
          Hey don't go, I'll be back in a
          second.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

          Ira is now watching the end of the movie by himself. George
          sticks his head in.

          GEORGE
          That girl left. You want to talk
          to me while I try to go to sleep.
          Ira doesn't know what to make of this.

          IRA
          I guess so.

          INT. BEDROOM - LATER

          George is in bed under the covers, comfortably laying on his
          pillow. Ira sits in an easy chair located right next to the
          bed.

          IRA
          Did you have sex with both of those
          girls?

          GEORGE
          I'm afraid I did. I'm sorry. It
          was just so clear that you were not
          going to get it done. I figured
          you wouldn't mind.

          IRA
          That is crazy. That is super
          crazy.

          GEORGE
          It was great. It was crazy great.

          IRA
          How can that even happen? I guess
          I understand the first one, but why
          would the second one do it? You
          probably stink of the first girl.

          

          

          

          

          25.

          GEORGE
          Well, we took a steam shower
          together.

          IRA
          What?

          GEORGE
          she had never seen a steam shower
          before, I told her she should enjoy
          it.

          IRA
          She wouldn't fool around with me
          because she said she had a
          boyfriend.

          GEORGE
          She told me that too, but she says
          I was on her and her boyfriend's
          list of people she was allowed to
          screw. You'd be surprised how many
          women have me on that list.

          IRA
          I should get going.

          GEORGE
          Just talk to me before I fall
          asleep. I'm weird. I don't like
          being alone. You should crash in
          one of the rooms. You're too drunk
          to drive home. I won't try to fuck
          you, I just fucked two women and
          I'm kind of done.

          IRA
          I may have to whack it in your
          guest room.

          GEORGE
          Whack away, I don't give a shit.

          (BEAT)
          Hey, you were funny tonight. I
          could see how you could get good.

          IRA
          Thanks. That was fun. It was rare
          that I get to play to more than
          twenty-five people. I've never
          played for a thousand.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          26.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          it, s kind of easier, because even
          if two hundred like me, it sounds
          like a lot.

          GEORGE
          I do feel bad for you, because no
          matter how hard you try, you'll
          never be as funny as me.

          IRA
          Why would you say that?

          GEORGE
          Did your dad crack you on the head
          when you were a kid?

          IRA
          No.

          GEORGE
          That's why. My dad always seemed
          annoyed with me. He'd always crack
          me on the head. You would not see
          it coming. I spent my whole
          childhood trying to make my dad
          laugh so he wouldn't smack me. But
          he was an awesome guy. He was the
          coolest. He just got annoyed with
          me. Do you like your parents?
          They can't be that bad, because
          you're not that funny.

          IRA
          They're bananas. And always broke.
          They got divorced ten years ago,
          but they both act like it just
          happened last week. They hate each
          other. They always put me in the
          middle of it. I always wanted them
          to say, "We don't want you to
          suffer through this, so we're just
          going to handle it ourselves."
          They never would do it. They would
          always make me feel their pain all
          the time. I would never do that
          for my kids. Because it's like
          they._`.re kids. And no matter how
          many times I tell them to leave me
          out of it, they never do.
          Ira notices that George is very close to falling asleep.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          I'll let you crash.

          

          

          

          

          27.

          GEORGE
          No, keep going. It's interesting.
          Tell me about your day job?

          IRA
          Alright. So...
          (knows he's a sleeping
          pill at this point)
          I work at a supermarket at the deli
          counter. I hate it, but the
          money's actually pretty good.
          Better than you'd think. But I'd
          rather do comedy full-time if I
          could.
          The camera pulls back as Ira continues to talk, and we begin
          to HEAR George snoring, as Ira continues to talk anyway.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - MORNING

          George walks into the guest room, where Ira is sleeping.

          GEORGE
          Hey man, you want to make me
          breakfast?

          IRA
          okay.

          GEORGE
          Do you know how to cook anything?

          IRA
          Eggs.

          GEORGE
          Okay, let's have some eggs.
          While Ira is cooking, George takes a lot of pills.

          IRA
          What are you doing, man? Are those
          vitamins?

          GEORGE
          No. Medicine. I'm sick.

          IRA
          What do you got?

          

          

          

          

          28.

          GEORGE
          I've got some crazy blood disease.
          They think I'm going to die in six
          months to a year. Some weird
          thing, almost nobody has it. All
          these are experimental.

          IRA
          Are you fucking with me? That's
          not funny, man.

          GEORGE
          No, I'm telling you the truth.

          IRA
          I never heard that before. That
          would be a big deal.

          GEORGE
          I haven't told anybody yet. I
          don't think I'm going to.

          IRA
          You're not going to tell anybody?
          You told me.

          GEORGE
          Well it's easier with you because I
          don't know you. I don't feel weird
          around you. I don't want to be
          treated like a guy who's going to
          die.

          IRA
          I don't know, man. I don't think
          you want to go through this alone.
          I think you've got to tell people.
          Your family. Your friends.

          GEORGE
          Actually, the reason why I only
          told you is I need you to do me a
          favor.

          IRA
          What? Anything, man.

          GEORGE
          I can't imagine suffering through
          the final stages of this. So...I
          was going to ask you if you would
          be willing...to euthanize me.

          

          

          

          

          29.

          IRA
          What does that mean?

          GEORGE
          Kill me. I figured if I found
          someone that nobody knew that was a
          stranger, they could get away with
          it, and I wouldn't have to suffer.
          I got a gun that is untraceable.
          And a silencer. And I thought
          maybe tonight, I would take a bunch
          of sleeping pills, and when I slept
          you would put a bullet in my head.

          IRA
          I can't do that!

          GEORGE
          I'll give you fifty thousand
          dollars in cash. You'd be doing me
          a favor. It would be the kindest
          thing you could ever do for
          somebody.

          IRA
          Fifty thousand dollars? Can I at
          least take a little time to think
          about it?

          GEORGE
          Holy shit, you would do it. You
          were literally thinking about doing
          it!

          IRA
          You're an asshole.

          GEORGE
          I'm an asshole, you were about to
          kill me. For fifty grand! That's
          not even a lot of money.

          IPA
          I just got nervous so I was
          delaying saying no.

          GEORGE
          You basically just told me that you
          were willing to be a murderer.
          While you're cooking me eggs.

          

          

          

          

          30.

          IRA
          That's not cool, man. You told me
          you're going to die and you want me
          to euthanize you. I almost had a
          heart attack.

          GEORGE
          Well, I actually am sick. And I'm
          not going to survive.

          IRA
          Don't do this. My friends do this
          all the time. They trick me, and
          then they trick me again. I'm very
          gullible. Don't do it.

          GEORGE
          I'm not putting you on, man. Just
          don't tell anyone. I mean that. I
          don't want people to know about
          this. I don't want to feel weird.
          Ira nods okay.

          IRA
          Are you religious? Does that give
          you any comfort?

          GEORGE
          Do you really think I'm going to
          sit here and have a theological
          conversation with you?

          IRA
          No.

          GEORGE
          Maybe later, Father Mulcahy.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

          The three friends - Mark, Ira, Leo - smoke pot and have what
          they think is a deep conversation.

          MARK
          That's so sad.

          LEO
          If it was me, I would tell
          everyone. Then everyone would kiss
          my ass. And take care of me. Tell
          me how much they love me.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          31.

          LEO (CONT`D)
          Wipe my ass when I had to go to the
          bathroom. They'd be crying and
          sad, and that would make me feel
          really good.

          IRA
          He doesn't want to be that guy. He
          picked up two girls at a bar. Then
          he had sex with his. And then he
          came out and had sex with mine.

          MARK
          In front of you?

          IRA
          No.

          MARK
          So being terminally ill makes you a
          cock-blacker?

          IRA
          No, what I'm saying is...He's so
          lost right now that he's hiding
          from the world. And he's trying to
          distract himself by doing stand-up
          and having sex with a lot of women.
          And he doesn't want anyone to know
          but me.

          MARK
          Why you?

          IRA
          Because he doesn't know me. So he
          doesn't give a shit.

          LEO
          That's kind of insulting.

          IRA
          No, I think we had kind of an
          instant connection.
          The other roommate, JAY, walks by.

          JAY
          You fucked him?

          IRA
          Shut up, Jay.
          Jay keeps walking.

          

          

          

          

          32.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          I feel like he's crying out for
          help, and I can help him. He's
          made us so happy in our lives, this
          is our chance to do something from
          him during this time. There's a
          lot of wisdom we can take from
          this. What he's going through. We
          can apply it to our lives.

          LEO
          Like how to bang two chicks in the
          same night, even though you have a
          terminal disease?

          IRA
          No, what is life all about? What
          is important? How should we decide
          to live this precious life?
          REVEAL that Mark is crying.

          MARK
          Don't talk about this shit when
          we're high. It really freaks me
          out and it makes me sad and it
          scares me. I don't want to talk
          about this shit.

          IRA
          That's why we should talk about it!
          You can't run from it, man. This
          could make us into better people.
          This is an opportunity.

          LEO
          I don't want to talk about this
          shit until I'm 80. I'm 24 years
          old.

          IRA
          Well I'm going to fucking learn
          something.
          Mark cries even more.

          MARK
          When my grandfather died, we were
          in a room with no windows. And
          they said he was dead. And there
          was a candle. And it started
          flickering like he was blowing it
          out. But there were no windows.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          33

          MARK (CONT'D)
          We all thought that was him going
          to heaven.

          LEO
          You have to go through fire to get
          to heaven? That wasn't him going
          to heaven, that was him going to
          hell.

          MARK
          Fuck you guys. I was trying to
          open up. I'll never do it again.
          You're just being mean because I'm
          making twenty-five thousand dollars
          an episode.

          INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

          George is bored, playing guitar. He picks up the phone,
          dials.

          INTERCUT WITH:

          INT. IRA'S APARTMENT

          Ira answers the phone.

          IRA
          Hello.

          GEORGE
          Hey. You want to see if we can get
          on-stage somewhere?

          IRA
          Sure.

          MUSIC UP

          INT. THE IMPROV - NIGHT

          See quick moments of Ira on stage at the Improv doing a set.
          Then George does a set, tears down the house.

          INT. GEORGE'S JAM ROOM

          George and a few of his friends are playing a famous rock
          song for fun. But they are very good. The music continues
          through the following sequence.

          

          

          

          

          34.

          INT. THE IMPROV - DINING ROOM

          George and Ira are eating with several famous comedians,
          shooting the shit, having a good time.

          EXT. IMPROV -- NIGHT

          George and Ira are waiting at the parking valet. The car
          pulls up. As they get in:

          GEORGE
          I was thinking about it. I could
          throw you some money every week for
          coming up with new jokes for me.
          Maybe you can organize them in the
          computer, keep track of what I'm
          doing.

          IRA
          Absolutely. What do you want to
          pay me?
          They close the doors, drive off.

          GEORGE
          I'll throw you $1500 a week.

          IRA
          Okay, that could work.
          We can tell that this amount of money could change Ira's
          life.

          INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM

          George and Ira are writing jokes. Ira keeps pitching
          premises/rough joke ideas that George instantly makes ten
          times better off the top of his head. (We shoot this process
          for real with multiple cameras and try to catch lightning in
          a bottle.)

          IRA
          I was thinking maybe you should do
          some material about what you're
          going through, being sick. There
          could be something really powerful,
          and it would mean a lot to people,
          that you would share that with
          them.

          

          

          

          

          35.

          GEORGE
          I'm just doing stand-up to have
          fun, forget about it on stage.
          There's nothing funny about that.

          IRA
          It could be classic stuff. For the
          ages.

          GEORGE
          Fuck classic stuff. Idon't give a
          shit what people think of my shit
          when I'm dead. Why don't you wait
          till you're about to die and then
          you do a bit about it? I'll bet
          you're about-to-die shit will be
          funnier than my about-to-die shit.

          INT. COMEDY CLUB

          George and Ira are doing sets again.

          INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          George is making a phoney phone call on a speaker phone. Ira
          listens.

          GEORGE
          (Grandmother voice)
          I ordered your Roast Beef. And
          normally it's delicious. But this
          time I paid a price!

          DELI MANAGER
          I'm very sorry ma'am. What if you
          come in and I give you a free
          sandwich?

          GEORGE
          (Grandmother voice)
          Well that's very nice of you. But
          I have one question for you. Can I
          get two sandwiches?
          George motions for Ira to do something.

          IRA
          Grandma! Get off the fucking
          phone. Don't run up my fucking
          bill.

          

          

          

          

          36.
          Ira starts slapping his hands together. George screams in
          pain.

          DELI MANAGER
          Ma'am! Are you okay?

          GEORGE
          (Grandmother voice)
          This is a family matter! He can
          hit me if he wants. He's my
          grandson, and I love him! Now may
          I give you my name, so you have it
          on file so I can get my free
          sandwich? K-A-C-A-H-A-K-R-E-K-K-U-
          C-T-A-R-S-U-T-A-R-G-M-S. Did you
          get that? Can you say it back to
          me?

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

          Ira enters.

          IRA
          George? George?
          He walks through the house, finds George in bed. For the
          first time he seems sick.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          Are you all right?

          GEORGE
          No, I had a bad night last night.
          I was sweating though the sheets,
          couldn't stop. So I got up,
          watched half of a season of The
          Wire and then I slept till...what
          time is it now?

          IRA
          It's three in the afternoon.

          GEORGE
          I wanted to get up and do
          something. But I don't think I
          have it in me. I may just go back
          to bed.

          IRA
          Well do you need anything?

          

          

          

          

          37.

          GEORGE
          Yeah, I need all sorts of things.
          But nothing you can get me. You
          should go up anyway. You were in a
          groove the other night, you don't
          want to get rusty.

          IRA
          I. .I. .can't anyway. I'm doing
          the late shift at the deli counter.

          GEORGE
          Really? How long you gonna keep
          that job for? I'm paying you good
          money. What if someone you perform
          in front of goes into Ralph's and
          sees you cutting turkey?

          IRA
          I know, I just want to be safe,
          make sure I can pay my bills. I
          don't like to be nervous about that
          shit.

          GEORGE
          I wasn't like you. I had a
          different theory. You've got to
          spend money to make money. Nothing
          makes you work harder than being in
          debt. Maybe we should go buy a
          Corvette. That'll make you try to
          be funnier.

          INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET


          CHUCK
          so how much notice are you giving
          me?

          IRA
          Notice? I'm not giving you any
          notice. I'm just quitting.

          CHUCK
          You're supposed to give notice.
          That's what people do.

          IRA
          Why would I give you notice? I'm
          not trying to stay in Ralph's good
          graces. I'm not trying to preserve
          my good standing at Ralph's.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          38.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          I'm just quitting. You don't quit
          and then keep working for two
          weeks.

          CHUCK
          Well I don't have enough people to
          cover all your shifts, now I gotta
          cover them.

          IRA
          I wish I could help you, but I'll
          kill myself if I keep working here.
          It's not what I want to do. Maybe
          Gail can cover my shifts.

          CHUCK
          Gail can't work weekends, and my
          kid's birthday is this weekend.
          What am I supposed to do?

          IRA
          I don't know. Get someone to cover
          from a different Ralph's. There
          are thousands of them in Southern
          California. No one else can scoop
          macaroni into a bowl? I'm not the
          linchpin that keeps Ralph's from
          falling into chaos.

          CHUCK
          You're an asshole. You always
          thought you were slumming it here.
          Go tell your tucking fart jokes.,
          Get the fuck out of here before I
          kick the shit out of you.

          IRA
          You know what? I'm glad you said
          that, because I was about to tell
          you I could work this weekend.
          What's your problem? I didn't say
          anything bad about you, I just said
          I didn't want to work for Ralph's
          anymore.
          Chuck takes a step to Ira like he's going to hit him. Ira
          steps back a few feet.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          I'll tell Dave. I'll tell Dave. I
          tried to do this politely. The
          thanks I get.

          

          

          

          

          39.
          Ira walks out the store. As he walks out, he turns to a lady
          (in her 40s) at the register.

           IRA (CONT'D)
          See you, Phyllis. You're nice.

          EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

          Ira sees Daisy walking out as he's walking into the apartment
          complex. He takes a deep breath, then:

          IRA
          Hey, Daisy.

          DAISY
          Hey --

           IRA
          Ira.

          DAISY
          (she doesn't)
          I know.

          IRA
          I was gonna try to hunt down
          tickets to see Wilco at the Greek
          Theatre. You want to come? Are
          you into them at all?

          DAISY
          I would love to come. That would
          be amazing.

          IRA
          Okay. I'll call you with the
          details. Hopefully I'll be able to
          get seats which will not require
          high-powered binoculars.

          DAISY
          I don't care where the seats are.
          I just like to close my eyes and
          listen to the music at concerts,

          IRA
          Perfect. Then I can play you their
          live album in my car and trick you
          into thinking we have front row
          seats.
          (laughing uncomfortably)
          That won't work.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          40.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          That wasn't funny at all. I'm
          gonna leave while I'm ahead right
          now.
          She smiles. He walks away.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE

          Ira walks into George's house.

          IRA
          George?
          Ira walks into George's bedroom. He hears something, pokes
          his head in.
          In the dark, he can barely see George making phoney calls by
          himself. Ira listens for awhile, not sure what to make of
          this. George doesn't see him.

          GEORGE
          (speaking like an old

          WOMAN)
          I was robbed! One second you're
          walking down the street with your
          Visa card, having a grand old time,
          and then you've got a fucking gun
          in your mouth!

          VISA LADY
          What's the number of the card,
          Ma'am?

          GEORGE
          I don't know! The thief has the
          card, why don't you ask the thief
          the number of the card!
          George hangs up the phone. He starts dialing.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (as a Texan)
          Ah yes, I came into your comedy
          club tonight and I was very
          offended by the performer. I did
          not pay good money to have the so-
          called "comedian" shake my wife's
          hand, then smell it and say, "Did
          you have fish for dinner?" That is
          not my idea of entertainment.
          Ira leaves the room, feeling like he's intruded on a private
          moment.

          

          

          

          

          41.

          INT. RED LOBSTER RESTAURANT

          George and Ira are eating.

          IRA
          I was thinking you need to tell
          someone about your situation... your
          condition.

          GEORGE
          No, no. Iâ,¢ don't want to do that.

          IRA
          I feel like maybe you're holding
          everything in and I can understand
          why you don't want to deal with it
          because why would anyone want to
          deal with it. But I bet you have a
          lot of unfinished business with
          your friends. Wouldn't it make you
          feel a lot better to get your
          affairs in order? What do people
          do at this moment Don't they have
          to do stuff?

          GEORGE
          I don't want to do anything. I
          just want to be in the moment and
          live every day the best I can. As
          soon as I confront it with
          everybody, everything's changed and
          I can't get back.

          IRA
          Everything has changed. At some
          point you're going to get really
          sick and you need your friends and
          family around you. I'm sure
          there's a lot of business, estate
          issues, I don't know. Maybe you'll
          feel better than if you just deal
          with everything. Where are your
          parents?

          GEORGE
          P4y parents would drop dead if I
          told them what was happening.
          They're in their 80s. They don't
          have to go through this. I'll make
          sure they find out at the last
          possible second.

          

          

          

          

          42.

          IRA
          Friends?

          GEORGE
          I don't think I do. I thought I
          did. I got a lot of people I know,
          shoot the shit with, fuck around
          with. But I realized when this
          happened I'm not close to anyone.
          I had no one to call. My
          friendships are Hollywood
          friendships. When I was lying in
          bed I couldn't think of one person
          I wanted to share this with. Maybe
          it's me, maybe I never got close to
          anybody.

          IRA
          I think if you talk to people you'd
          find out a lot of people care about
          you. You're kind of old already, I
          mean, compared to me. I'm sure you
          touched a lot of people's lives.
          You can't spend the rest of your
          days making phoney phone calls
          alone in your room.

          GEORGE
          The only reason I did that was
          because I couldn't sleep. And I
          had no one to call.

          IRA
          Well maybe that's the problem.
          Maybe if you told more people you'd
          have more people to call. You
          can't just talk to me about it, I
          don't know what the fuck I'm
          talking about. You're the first
          person I've known who's sick. I'm
          not good at it.
          (eyes beginning to well

          UP)
          You've given me diarrhea, I'm
          nervous about you and I'm in over
          my head.

          GEORGE
          (his eyes begin to well

          UP)
          Don't cry in front of me, man. I
          can't start that.

          

          

          

          

          43.

          IRA
          I'm sorry.

          GEORGE
          Seriously. I can't...I can't have
          you do that.
          George really begins to cry.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Please don't do that.

          IRA
          (tears streaming down his

          FACE)
          I won't do it, I promise, man.
          Ira wipes the tears from his face. New tears immediately
          come out.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          That was first and last time. I'm
          not even crying anymore.

          GEORGE

          (CRYING)
          You're still crying.

          IRA
          (tears coming down)
          I don't think I am. I think I'm
          not anymore. I'm not sure what
          you're talking about.

          GEORGE
          Okay, as long as we got that
          straight.
          George takes a napkin and puts it over his face.

          IRA
          I'm sorry, George. I really don't
          know what to do, I don't know how
          to help you.

          GEORGE
          (his face still in the

          NAPKIN)
          No, you're right. I really should
          tell some people. It just sucks,
          man. It just sucks. And they're
          going to feel so bad, I don't even
          want to look at them and tell them.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          44.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          I'd rather drop dead. of a heart
          attack and have someone else make
          the calls. I have to make those
          calls? This is a nightmare. This
          is a total nightmare.

          IRA
          Do you want me to call them, and
          tell them what's going on?

          GEORGE
          Yeah.

          IRA
          Fuck. I was hoping you were gonna
          say no.

          INT. IRA'S BEDROOM

          Ira is on the phone. There is a paper with a bunch of
          numbers in front of him.

          IRA
          (into the phone)
          Hi, this is Ira, I'm a friend of
          George's. He asked me to call you.
          His roommates are making a commotion outside. Ira covers the
          receiver.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          Will you guys shut the fuck up?
          Shut the fuck up!
          Ira slam the door.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          (into phone)
          I'm sorry. I have some news about
          George.

          TELLING FRIENDS SEQUENCE

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          George sits with THREE COMEDIANS. They are all laughing and
          telling old sex stories from george's younger days. Ira sits
          with them and listens and laughs along.

          

          

          

          

          45.

          GEORGE
          So I left the phone off the hook so
          he could hear me doing it.

          COMEDIAN #1
          That's very gay.

          COMEDIAN#2
          No, it was a buddy thing. It was
          very heterosexual.

          GEORGE
          Admit it, you were masturbating.

          COMEDIAN#2
          Of course I was whacking it. What
          else am I gonna do, not whack it?

          GEORGE
          And I kept making her talk and say
          crazy shit just to make him laugh.

          COMEDIAN #2
          I think at one point you said, "Say
          my hog is the biggest you've ever
          seen." And then there is this long
          pause.

          COMEDIAN#3
          That's a bad sign. If it was big
          at all she wouldn't have paused.

          COMEDIAN #1
          Remember you used to have that joke
          about how you used to only date
          midgets because your dick looked
          bigger in their little hands.
          They all laugh.

          COMEDIAN #2
          Yeah, you used to get all the
          girls, man.
          Suddenly the air is out of the room, and it is awkward and
          sad.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          George is talking to an EX-MANAGER and his WIFE.

          

          

          

          

          46.

          EX-MANAGER
          And I feel horrible about it, but
          the truth is, I was having some
          issues with gambling, and you were
          doing so well-and so I took a
          million dollar check you got in
          from the studio and I used it to
          clear up some debts. And I did it
          with the intention of paying you
          right back before you noticed. But
          you never noticed, and I just never
          got around to paying you back.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          Allen Covert yells at George for abandoning him.

          COVERT
          You fucking blew us off. You
          cocksucker.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          George is talking to his sister, LISA.

          LISA
          You have to tell mom and dad.

          GEORGE
          I will tell them, but right at the
          end. I don't want them to go
          through all this. I can't put them
          through this.

          LISA
          I wish I wasn't so mad at you. I
          want to be there for you, but I am
          so mad at you.

          GEORGE
          I wish I was a better brother.

          LISA
          You weren't even a brother. You
          just left when I was a little kid.
          You left me there all alone, and
          you never treated me like a sister
          again.

          

          

          

          

          47.

          GEORGE
          You live so far away. I visited
          you in Kansas a few years ago.

          LISA
          That was six years ago, and you
          were only there because you had a
          concert. My five-year-old has
          never even met you.
          George does not know what to say.

          LISA (CONT'D)
          And I wanted to bring her, but then
          I thought she would just fall in
          love with you and get attached, and
          then what? I didn't want to do
          that to her.

          INT. KITCHEN

          George and Ira talk in the kitchen while making beverages.

          GEORGE
          Thanks a lot, pal. This is
          everything I didn't want to happen.
          It's like being at my own funeral.

          IRA
          Afterwards you'll be happy you did
          it.

          GEORGE
          No, I won't.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          George talks to a FRIEND who rambles on and on talking about
          his own problems, ignoring George's.

          FRIEND
          It is such a tucked up situation.
          Life is fucked. It makes no sense.

          GEORGE
          Well, I really appreciate you
          coming by.

          FRIEND
          This is why I can't be close with
          people. What is the point?

          

          

          

          

          48.

          GEORGE
          Exactly. Well, I really need to
          rest...

          FRIEND
          The worst part is at night, when
          the TV gets turned off, and it is
          quiet...

          GEORGE
          It was so good to see you.
          George stands up and exits the room. Ira walks over.

          IRA
          I think George is going to take a
          nap now.

          FRIEND
          Oh, okay.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          A different FRIEND is talking about their own health issues.
          He goes on and on about his surgeries and treatments. George
          doesn't say a word.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          George is talking to BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

          BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
          You're about to merge with the
          eternal. We're all going to die.
          No one gets out of here alive,
          right?
          George nods.

           BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (CONT'D)
           You lived five lives, fucker.
          You're 200 years old in my book.
           The fun you've had, the money, the
          adventures, the women you've known.
          Who wouldn't want to change places
          with you right new?

          GEORGE
          I guess so, but...

          

          

          

          

          49.

          BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
          You know what? There is no
          tomorrow, no yesterday. Only right
          now, and it's fucking beautiful.

          GEORGE

          (BEAT)
          You need to shut the fuck up right
          now. Have you been browsing the
          self-help section at Barnes and
          Noble? Is this what you say in
          between songs these days? I'm
          going to go right now and delete
          all your songs off my iPod.

          BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
          I'm sorry. I didn't know what to
          say. I just got nervous.

          INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM

          Ira is talking George to sleep. He's gotten good at it.
          Warren Zevon's "Don't Let Us Get Sick" plays in the
          background.

          GEORGE
          This is awful. Awful. I hate you
          for having me do this.

          IRA
          You have to, you have no choice.
          You're doing good. And you're
          almost done, don't worry.

          GEORGE
          Well what are we going to do when
          it's over, when we're done
          tomorrow? Because then I'm not
          talking to anyone.

          IRA
          I was thinking we should go skiing
          somewhere. You're still physically
          doing well, and that's not going to
          last forever. You should do
          something active. Go to Colorado,
          or Tahoe, or something. Or do
          something crazy. Go to Switzerland,
          or Sweden, or wherever they have
          mountains.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          50.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          I don't know, I don't even ski, but
          you do. Maybe you should do
          something like that.
          Ira notices George is falling asleep, so he talks more
          quietly. He's gotten good at this.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          If it's too hard, we can just ski
          for an hour or two a day, and then
          get drunk at the bar. You can hit
          on hot ski instructors, and then I
          can masturbate in the room thinking
          about you fucking hot ski
          instructors.
          He thinks George is asleep, so he walks out as he speaks.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          Whatever. It'll be fun to be in the
          mountain air, fun to look at the
          mountains. Maybe you shouldn't even
          be here. We can hang out there as
          long as you want, I got nothing to
          do.
          Ira closes the door.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

          George is talking to LAURA, a very pretty woman in her late
          thirties. Laura is showing George a photo of her two
          daughters.

          GEORGE
          Thanks for coming down. You didn't
          have to do that, i appreciate it.

          LAURA
          I wanted to, I wanted to see you.

          GEORGE
          I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for
          everything I did to you.

          LAURA
          You don't have to be sorry, that
          was like 12 years ago. Everything
          worked out for the best.
          We see this hurts George.

          

          

          

          

          51.

          GEORGE
          I screwed everything up. I could
          have been married to you now.

          LAURA
          Don't do this.

          GEORGE
          We could've had a family . I don't
          have a family, I'm all alone here.

          LAURA
          (tearing up)
          I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for
          what's happening to you.

          GEORGE
          You know, maybe I deserve it. I
          screwed up the only good thing that
          ever happened in my life. I
          cheated on you. For no reason at
          all. Just young and stupid. And
          selfish. I'm sorry.

          LAURA
          Maybe I over reacted. I didn't
          have to leave you.

          GEORGE
          Yes you did.
          ANGLE ON: Ira sneaking a peak from the kitchen as he makes
          coffee.

          LAURA
          And the funny thing is...my
          husband, he is on the road a lot
          for business. He did the same
          thing last year.

          GEORGE
          Did you leave him?

          LAURA
          No. I have kids now.

          GEORGE
          See, that was my mistake. I should
          have had some kids with you before
          I cheated.
          she laughs.

          

          

          

          

          52.

          LAURA
          You were the one and only magic
          relationship in. my life.
          She starts to cry. He does too. They embrace.

          GEORGE
          Me too.
          They cry, forehead to forehead.

          LAURA
          There's never been anything like
          you before or since. I love Chris,
          but it's not the same. It's fine,
          maybe it isn't even fine, but we
          had something special.

          GEORGE
          I'm so sorry. I really loved you.
          And I do love you.

          LAURA
          I love you too George. I wish
          there was something I could do.

          GEORGE
          Don't set me up for jokes like
          that. You're ruining the moment.
          She smiles. They hug.

          INT. IRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          Ira comes home, deep in the evening. He's eating some food.
          Daisy walks out of Mark's bedroom, dressed in Mark's long-
          sleeve t-shirt. She's clearly just had sex.

          IRA
          Hey. How's it going?

          DAISY
          Good.
          Mark walks out in a bathrobe.

          MARK
          Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were
          sleeping at your boyfriend's again
          tonight.

          

          

          

          

          53.

          IRA
          I guess it's been more than ten
          days.

          MARK
          It's been 21 days. I gave you an
          extra 11.

          DAISY
          What are you guys talking about?

          IRA
          Don't worry about it, it doesn't
          matter, I don't give a shit.
          Leo walks in the front door.

          LEO
          I just fucking killed at the
          Improv. Bud Freidman fucking loves
          me.
          Leo realizes he's walked into the middle of an awkward
          moment.

          LEO (CONT' D )

          (HALF-HEARTEDLY)
          They said they're gonna start
          giving me good spots on the
          weekends.

          IRA
          I've been getting good weekend
          spots.

          LEO
          Well, that's because they think if
          they book you, George will show up.

          IRA
          What's with you guys? You both
          want to fuck my mother too? What
          more do you want to do to me
          tonight?
          Ira walks away.

          LEO
          I really did kill.
          (a beat)
          Did you guys just bone, or
          something?

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          54.

          LEO (CONT'D)
          I'm getting a little vibe here.
          It's getting me excited.

          EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MOMENTS LATER

          Ira and Daisy are having a heated conversation outside.

          IRA
          So now you're with Mark? You're
          his girl?

          DAISY
          I just went out with him one night.

          IRA
          You got a lot accomplished in one
          night. How did this happen?

          DAISY
          He invited me to a taping of his
          show and we hit it off.

          IRA
          Must have been a great episode. I
          should get a job on a shitty show
          so I can use it as foreplay.

          DAISY
          What are you talking about? Don't
          treat me like that.

          IRA
          I am not treating you like
          anything. Do what you want. I
          don't give a shit. I'll go to Wilco
          alone.

          DAISY
          What planet are you from? The one
          where everyone is perfect like you,
          you judgemental fuck?

          IRA
          How could you do that? I thought
          we were going out on a date.

          DAISY
          We are going on a date. I didn't
          plan it. Am I not allowed to do
          stuff because we're going out on a
          .date? What the fuck's the matter
          with you?

          

          

          

          

          55.

          IRA
          I bought tickets to Wilco and I
          worked all week to get a
          reservation at a place that doesn't
          normally let people like me eat
          there. I just didn't see this
          coming. Yes, you're right. You
          can do anything you want. I'm glad
          this fucking happened, before I
          wasted the night with you. I
          didn't think you were that kind of
          person. That you would sleep with
          a guy like that.

          DAISY
          He's your roommate. You don't like
          him?

          IRA
          No, I think he's a pussyhound.

          DAISY
          Well, I didn't know that. Thanks
          for the info. I wasn't trying to
          hurt you. It just happened.

          IRA
          You got excited because he's the
          star of the show. You literally
          star-fucked.

          DAISY
          Yes, you're right. I'm awful.

          (CRYING)
          Give me a break. I don't even know
          you.

          INT. APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

          Ira goes into the house. Mark is there.

          MARK
          I told you I was going to give you
          10 days. That was three weeks ago.

          IRA
          I thought you were joking.

          MARK
          I didn't know she actually mattered
          to you. We talk about girls we
          want to fuck all the time.

          

          

          

          

          56.

          IRA
          I just bought these two Wilco
          tickets. Wanna go?

          MARK
          I would, but I'm going with Tobey
          Maguire. He wants me to play his
          younger brother in some movie.

          EXT. SKI SLOPE - DAY

          George and Ira are skiing. There is no music, no noise. It
          is very peaceful. George stops in a spot where he is
          surrounded in all directions by gorgeous, majestic mountains.
          He looks around, taking it all in.

          INT. SKI LODGE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

          George and Ira are watching videotapes of George doing stand-
          up when he was much younger. He's really, really funny. And
          very skinny, with a much more pronounced New York accent.

          GEORGE
          You know, I never got married. I
          never had kids. I didn't get to do
          a lot of things I thought I would
          do. But I was pretty fucking
          funny, right?

          IRA
          Come on, are you kidding me? We
          all want to be you. Most of my
          comic friends are just doing a bad
          impression of you. People love
          your shit.

          GEORGE
          Well, I made a lot of people laugh.
          I guess that's something.

          IRA
          It's a lot.

          GEORGE
          Yeah. I guess so.
          They watch some more and we see a really happy, young George
          getting big laughs with something really silly.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Look at that crazy motherfucker.

          

          

          

          

          57.
          George and Ira start watching the act and laughing along,
          like any audience member.

          INT. JAM ROOM - DAY

          George is singing a happy song with a bunch of musician
          friends, like a Lou Reed/Velvet Underground (or Ramones/New
          York Dolls/Clash/Warren Zevon/Paul McCartney) song. This
          music plays over the following montage.

          MONTAGE

          EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DAY

          George walks around his grounds, slowly. And one gets the
          sense he's never looked around and seen where he lives
          before. He likes it.

          INT. IMPROV - NIGHT

          George performs at the Improv. We see him gesture to a woman
          that she can come up on stage and she hugs him. The crowd
          erupts. She runs back to her seat. George continues with
          his act.

          EXT. SANTA MONICA MOUNTAINS - DAY

          George and Ira hike up a hill.

          GEORGE
          I never understood why people hiked
          before. I think I get it now.

          IRA

          (SWEATING)
          I don't.

          INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY

          George and Ira have an uncomfortable dinner with George's
          angry sister, Lisa.

          INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

          George is in bed, sleeping. Ira starts sneaking out. George
          wakes up, calls Ira back to keep talking to him.

          

          

          

          

          58.

          EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

          George is walking around his yard at night. He's clearly
          never walked the grounds at night. He seems at peace.

          INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Lisa and her husband are now over, and George is talking to
          them and playing with her two-year-old boy.

          EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE

          George is sitting with his parents. It is clear he recently
          told them about his situation, and although there is sadness
          in the air, they look happy to be close for the first time in
          a long time.
          George says something that makes his DAD laugh.

          INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM

          Ira is asleep on the couch. George walks over with a bowl of
          ice cream. He whacks Ira a few times trying to wake him up,
          but Ira keeps snoring. George sits down next to the sleeping
          Ira and watches TV while eating his ice cream.

          EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

           George and Ira play basketball. Ira is awful.

          INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

          Ira is making breakfast. George is all dressed for the day.

          IRA
          What are you doing?

          GEORGE
          I'm feeling good, so I'm going to
          the doctor.

          IRA
          You're not feeling good?

          GEORGE
          No, I'm feeling good. It's kind of
          weirding me out.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          59.

          GEORGE (CONT-D)
          I don't feel sick at all, and it's
          scaring me. I feel like I'm just
          going to drop dead. Am I not going
          to feel bad at all, and then one
          day wake up dead? It's
          disconcerting.

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE


          DOCTOR STEVENS
          I don't want to get your hopes up.
          We put you on this experimental
          medication without much optimism,
          but as of right now I don't see any
          traces of the disease in your blood
          work. I don't want to speak too
          soon, but we may have beaten this
          thing.

          GEORGE
          Well what the fuck do I do now?

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          Ira's eyes are wide with shock.

          IRA
          Oh my god, oh my god!
          Ira goes to hug George, but it's a very awkward moment. Ira
          really wants a happy hug, but George is instantly
          uncomfortable.

          TNT. OFFICE
          George is sitting at his computer. Ira is also seated.

          GEORGE
          I really want to thank you for your
          help through this time.

          IRA
          I was happy to help.

          GEORGE
          Well, you didn't have to, and you
          were really there for me. I was
          thinking, maybe we should write a
          movie together.

          

          

          

          

          60.

          IRA
          Uh-huh.

          GEORGE
          I feel like I've learned a lot, and
          I wanna use this good place I'm in
          right now to do something really
          creative. I would pay you,
          certainly. I make, you know, about
          a million dollars to write a
          script. I can't give you half, but
          maybe one hundred, two hundred
          grand, but we'll figure it out.

          IRA
          (what?)
          Yeah, we'll figure it out.

          GEORGE
          I thought a lot about my work when
          I was sick and I'm in sort of a
          strange place career-wise, because
          I'm normally the goofy, funny guy
          and I don't know if people are
          expecting a change from me. And I
          think people are expecting me to
          evolve, and it's important to
          evolve before they make a point of
          asking me why I'm not evolving.

          IRA
          It's always good to keep breaking
          new ground.

          GEORGE
          Is that something they taught you
          at the deli. I'm not asking you
          for your advice, I just though we
          could start trying to come up with
          an idea.

          IRA
          Well, I'm gonna start thinking.
          And...I'm really happy for you.
          Are you freaking out right now?

          GEORGE
          It's very strange. It's gonna take
          me a few days to process it, but
          it's a gift and I'm going to treat
          it that way.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          61.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          I learned a lot from being sick and
          it's gonna help me make some good
          choices, and be a good person from
          now on.

          INT. IRA'S PARENT'S DINING ROOM

          Ira is eating with his fairly young MOM and his step-father

          BOB.

          IRA
          And he thanked me for helping him,
          and I really think I was a help
          during this time. I'm not saying
          that's why he got better, but he
          definitely had good energy and I
          hear that helps your immune system.

          MOM
          He's going to pay you two hundred
          thousand dollars to write a movie
          script?

          IRA
          I don't know, he said one or two
          hundred thousand.

          BOB
          One or two hundred thousand?
          That's pretty vague. That's a wide
          range. I'd push him toward two
          hundred thousand if I were you.

          IRA
          Thank you for the advice, Bob.
          That's very helpful.

          MOM
          This is good because now you can
          help with your sister's college
          tuition.

          IRA
          What are you talking about?

          MOM
          Your younger sister got accepted to
          Boston University but, as you know,
          your father and I aren't in the
          position to pay for it.

          

          

          

          

          62.

          IRA
          So I have to? I just stopped
          working at a supermarket two weeks
          ago. I'm trying to create some
          financial stability for myself.
          The first time I make any real
          money, I can't just give it to her.

          BOB
          Well that's very selfish.

          IRA
          Well you guys went on a cruise to
          Greece last year. Maybe you
          shouldn't have gone, and saved for
          her college education.

          MOM
          Oh, so after all we've done for
          you, we can't have any fun? We
          should never take a vacation?

          IRA
          I had to drop out of college after
          two years because you couldn't pay
          for it. Now I have to pay for
          hers? Let her figure it out. Let
          her get a job.

          BOB
          I didn't realize I raised such a
          selfish boy. When I was young I
          would have done anything for my
          family.

          IRA
          Then sell your house. Move into a
          smaller house. Use the extra money
          to pay for her college. Or tell
          her to work for a year or two, make
          some money, then she can pay for
          her own college. No one helped me
          out, I'm just digging out from
          under now.

          BOB
          Don't get so high up on your horse
          with all your Hollywood friends. I
          don't like what you're turning
          into.

          

          

          

          

          63.

          IRA
          One good thing happens to me in my
          entire life, and you have to try
          and take it away and ruin it.

          MOM
          I don't even know where you came
          from.

          BOB
          Don't bother showing up for
          Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is just
          for families.

          INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY

          Ira is on his computer. Leo and Mark are watching.

          IRA
          (typing as he talks)
          Hey George, we're doing an Orphan's
          Thanksgiving tomorrow night, want
          to come? It's just for us losers
          who don't have any family to eat
          with.

          LEO
          He's not gonna email back.

          MARK
          He's never gonna want to eat
          Thanksgiving with us.
          The computer BINGS. The guys scream in delight.

          IRA
          (reading email)
          Sure. What time? Do you need me
          to bring anything?
          (types back)
          3 O'clock at my apartment. Bring
          wine that we can't afford.
          The computer bings.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          (reading email)
          That's pretty much all wine on
          earth. See you then.

          

          

          

          

          64.

          MARK

          (EXCITED)
          Email back and say:
          (trying to make a joke)
          If you can, bring that hot chick
          from your last movie. We
          definitely have room for her.

          (ALT)
          Well, then maybe just bring grain
          alcohol then.
          They all start laughing. The computer BINGS again.

          IRA
          (reading it)
          Hey Faggots, I know what you're
          doing. Stop emailing me. It's not
          amusing anymore.
          They all start high--fiving.

          LEO
          He called us faggots!

          INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - DAY

          Mark and Leo are doing the cooking. There a few other
          comedians (male and female) floating around the apartment.
          Ira watches the parade on TV.
          Daisy walks up, site down next to Ira.

          DAISY
          What have you been up to? I
          haven't seen you at the Improv.

          IRA
          I've just been busy. Will you
          excuse me?
          Ira gets up, walks out of the room.

          EXT./INT. APARTMENT - DAY

          George walks up, rings the bell. Inside the apartment he
          hears a bit of a scuffle, as if the friends are fighting over
          who can open the door.
          Leo opens the door, sweaty, with a welt on his face.

          

          

          

          

          65.

          LEO
          Hey, George. How are you? Come on
          in.
          Then Mark appears from the side, also sweaty, with a welt on
          his neck.

          MARK
          Happy Thanksgiving? Come on in.

          INT. IRA'S HOUSE - DINING AREA - LATER

          Everyone is seated around the table. It's very awkward due
          to George's presence. It seems to suck the air out of the
          room.

          LEO
          We're really glad you could come
          have Thanksgiving with us. It's a
          big thrill.

          GEORGE
          It's weird, I feel like the old guy
          in the room. When I started out I
          was always the young guy. It's
          strange how fast you become the old
          guy. And I feel exactly the same.

          MARK
          Well, you don't know us, but you're
          with friends and admirers.

          GEORGE
          I know you, I've watched your show.
          "'Nuff Said." It's a good show.

          IRA
          You don't have to lie to him. He
          knows it's not good.

          GEORGE
          No, it's good, it's cute. I like
          it.

          MARK

          (BASHFUL)
          I know it's not that funny, but
          they do slip in some funny shit in
          there every now and again.

          

          

          

          

          66.

          GEORGE
          Don't be ashamed, it's good. But
          what about that girl on the show?
          How old is she? Tell me she's 25.

          MARK
          No, she's 15.

          GEORGE
          Holy shit! I feel bad. I don't
          want to tell you what I did
          watching that show. Are you
          serious? She's 15?

          MARK
          No, she's actually 20.

          GEORGE
          Okay, good. Now I don't feel so
          bad.
          Their weird friend, FUTORAN, pipes up.

          FUTORAN
          I heard you were sick and now
          you're better. Is that like,
          really... what's that like?

          GEORGE
          It's kinda like 9/11. You know
          after 9/11 you kind of liked
          everybody? But then it went away.
          It's like that.

          LEO
          Did you think you were gonna go to
          heaven? Did you count up your
          sins?

          GEORGE
          I don't believe in any of that
          stuff, but I was hoping I was
          headed somewhere. I felt like I
          was.

          FUTORAN
          I think you just wind up in the
          dirt. Worm food.

          IRA
          Come on, Futoran, we're about to
          eat.

          

          

          

          

          67.

          GEORGE
          Well, it's easy to think that way
          until you're headed for the dirt.
          Then your mind opens up a little
          bit, you know? Maybe it's
          desperation, or maybe you just
          start to see more of the big plan.
          Luckily I got a little more time
          before I find out.
          Daisy pops her head into the room.

          DAISY
          Food's ready.

          GEORGE
          May I say the prayer?
          Everyone nods yes.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Everyone hold hands. Thank you for
          the gifts this year. Thank you for
          (this.) And thank you for (that.)
          And hopefully next year I'll get to
          screw that girl on Mark's show.
          All our dreams will come true. You
          guys will get an apartment with
          less pubic hair on the toilet seat,
          you'll be able to afford a maid.
          Maybe next year you guys can get a
          better celebrity than me. Maybe
          Wolf Blitzer will come. I also
          pray that no one put their balls on
          this turkey, I'm kind of scared you
          guys are about to give me
          salmonella poisoning. I know this
          Orphan's Thanksgiving it's just a
          normal Thanksgiving for you guys,
          but it's a very special one for me.
          I'm very glad to be here. I'm not
          that glad to be here with you, but
          I thank you for having me. I'm
          sure it will be very memorable for
          you. Now let's find out what Leo's
          balls taste like.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

          Everyone's sitting down watching the football game. George
          motions to Ira, and then looks at Daisy as if to say, "Is
          that the girl you used to like?"

          

          

          

          

          68.

          GEORGE
          (points at Ira)
          This guy wrote me some funny jokes
          for that Mac gig. I asked for some
          jokes and he sent me about a
          hundred. Seriously.
          (points at Leo)
          This guy sent me jack shit. If you
          want to succeed you need a work
          ethic like Ira over here.

          LEO
          Why wouldn't I have sent you jokes?
          You didn't ask me for jokes.

          GEORGE
          Sure I did. I asked you and Ira to
          write me jokes and you flaked.
          Leo's eyes widen with anger.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (to Daisy)
          Ira wrote this joke about Leopard,
          it was really funny. Do the joke,
          Ira.

          IRA
          I don't want to right now.

          GEORGE
          It was like, what's great about.
          Leopard is you can watch a porno,
          write a porno, shoot a porno, and
          order a porno all at the same time.
          This guy's fucking funny.
          Leo jumps up suddenly and walks out of the room without
          saying anything. Ira watches him go, concerned.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (to Daisy and Ira)
          You guys look like a cute couple,
          you should go out.

          DAISY
          well, the truth is we had a date,
          but I went out with Mark first and
          he broke it off.

          

          

          

          

          69.

          IRA
          I didn't expect you to blurt it out
          like that. That was very honest of
          you.

          GEORGE
          If I didn't go out with every girl
          one of my friends slept with... let
          me put it another way. If none of
          my friends went out with girls I
          went out with, none of them would
          have gotten laid.

          (THEN)
          So, are you guys dating now?

          DAISY
          No.

          IRA
          This is making me uncomfortable.
          The whole thing, it makes me
          uncomfortable.

          GEORGE
          You guys are young, why are you
          taking everything so seriously? As
          someone who's been through a lot
          recently, let me tell you
          something. The worst thing you can
          do is hold grudges and be
          judgmental. Everyone's making
          mistakes, everyone's screwing up.
          You guys are cute together.
          George points at Mark.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          I know that Mark's not good in bed.
          Don't tell me he was a good lay.
          He can't have a big dick. Look at
          Ira. He's thick. He's gotta have
          a thick dick.

          DAISY
          Actually, I have a really skinny
          vagina, so I'm not really into
          thick.

          GEORGE
          See? She's funny. She can take a
          joke, she's not sensitive. I think
          I'm falling in love with both of
          you.

          

          

          

          

          70.
          George stands.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          I'm gonna walk away now, causing an
          awkward moment, that will be
          followed by a true moment, filled
          with chemistry. I'm walking away
          now. Let the awkwardness begin.
          George walks out of the room.

          DAISY
          My brother's going to freak out
          that I met Davey.
          (to Ira)
          Did you go to the Wilco show?

          IRA
          I actually scalped them and made a
          hundred bucks.

          DAISY
          Well at last you didn't lose any
          money on the deal.

          IRA
          I'm sorry I got so upset with you,
          because it shows you how much I
          like you, which is weird because
          we've hardly spoken. I understand
          all of that.

          DAISY
          Well, attraction is all about
          smells, pheromones.

          IRA
          Well, you smell right to me.
          Daisy smiles at Ira, just as Leo stomps back into the room.
          He charges right up to Ira, pissed off.

          LEO
          You're a fucking prick, You're a
          piece of shit thief motherfucker.
          You stole a job from me, you stole
          my joke.

          DAISY
          You stole his joke?

          

          

          

          
          7l.
          The moment is ruined. Ira doesn't know what to say.

           CUT TO:

          INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

          Leo pulls Ira into the other room and goes off on him.

          LEO
          He asked for me to write jokes too
          and you didn't tell me!

          IRA
          Uh...yes.

          LEO
          You .fucker!

          IRA
          I didn't think you would want to.

          LEO
          Why wouldn't I want to? What, I
          don't like money? I don't like
          private jets?

          IRA
          I'm sorry, it's just, I needed the
          gig. And you are doing so much
          better than me. I guess I just
          wanted this for myself.

          LEO
          It wasn't yours to keep for
          yourself. You lied to me.

          IRA
          I did. And it was fucked up. And
          I am sorry. I don't know what to
          say.

          LEO
          Don't say anything. Just get your
          shit, and get out of the apartment.

          IRA
          Are you serious?

          LEO
          You don't get let off the hook for
          going into faggy apology mode.
          That is a terrible strategy.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          72.

          LEO (CONT'D)
          I don't know what the fuck has
          happened to you--but my name is on
          the lease, and I don't want to live
          with it.

          INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER

          Ira is mad at George for bringing up the jokes.

          IRA
          I never told Leo because I wanted
          the gig?

          GEORGE
          I didn't know you were fucking over
          your friend. Don't yell at me.

          IRA
          Well I fucking live with you now
          because he told me to leave.

          GEORGE
          He kicked you out for that.

          IRA
          He said friends don't lie and I'm
          fucking with his career.

          GEORGE
          Well in a way that's a compliment
          to me because he's so mad he can't
          hang out with me that's he mad at
          you. That's kind of cool. I got
          you kicked out.

          IRA
          Fuck off.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Ira is unpacking a dufflebag of clothes he grabbed from his
          apartment when he was kicked out. George pops his head in.

          GEORGE
          This should be comfortable in here.
          This room is almost as big as your
          old apartment.

          IRA
          (through gritted teeth)
          Thank you for letting me stay here.

          

          

          

          

          7 3 .

          GEORGE
          No problem. Hey, you want to come
          talk to me while I crash?

          IRA
          No. You want to come talk to me
          while I crash?

          CUT TO:

          INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          George is under the covers. He turns on the TV and he
          changes channels until he finds "Charlie Rose." They're
          interviewing a reporter from the New York Times about
          America's policy towards Pakistan.

          GEORGE
          All right, Charlie. Talk to me.
          George closes his eyes.

          INT. MANAGEMENT COMPANY - DAY

          George stands in the reception area.

          RECEPTIONIST
          Terry's ready for you.

          INT. TERRY DOWD'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER


          GEORGE
          I was thinking that now might be a
          good time for me to make that
          script "Making Amends."

          TERRY
          Do you really think people want to
          see you make a movie about a guy
          who goes to AA but isn't really an
          alcoholic? He just needs the
          companionship? That's a pretty big
          left turn.

          GEORGE
          I got money. I want to challenge
          myself. You said you liked it.

          

          

          

          

          74.

          TERRY
          You know, I read it four years ago.
          I need to read it again. I don't
          remember not liking it. I just
          can't tell you the studio will make
          it. Your last few movies didn't do
          so well.

          GEORGE
          I thought they did well overseas.

          TERRY
          You always do well in Australia,
          but that's about it.

          GEORGE
          What if I do it for no money, just
          with back-end?

          TERRY
          I don't know if that's going to cut
          it either. The head of the studio
          does a lot of drinking, I don't
          think he finds that whole area
          funny. Maybe if you commit to do
          another one of the Davey movies, I
          could tie it to that, so they have
          to do both.

          GEORGE
          I'vedone four Davey movies.They
          wantme to do another sequelto
          that?We don't even have ascript.

          TERRY
          Wellthere's this great script
          goingaround town, Happy Holidays.
          Whichis about an immature 40 year
          old man who acts like a kid. In it
          he comes home for the holiday
          season for the first time in ten
          years. And havoc ensues. You get
          to make fun of Thanksgiving, and
          Hanukkah and Christmas and New
          Years. They say they can turn it
          into a Davey movie.

          GEORGE
          Could I at least shoot the Making
          Amends movie first?

          TERRY
          No.

          

          

          

          

          75.

          GEORGE
          Maybe I'll just write something
          myself.

          TERRY
          I wish you would. You've never
          been able to do it in the past.
          You always talk a big game about
          writing your own shit. But I've
          yet to see a script land on my
          desk.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DUSK

          George and Ira are sitting at a large kitchen table. There
          is a computer on the table and index cards. On the floor is
          a corkboard.

          IRA
          See, the thing I was thinking,
          was...you always play an immature
          guy. What if the joke of the movie
          is you're incredibly smart,
          intellectual and well-mannered.
          You just go the opposite way with
          it.

          GEORGE
          There's nothing funny about being
          smart. All comedy comes from
          immaturity. Buster Keaton, Jerry
          Lewis, the Marx Brothers, WC
          Fields, Bill Murray, Steve Martin,
          Charlie Chaplin. They were all
          immature. They were all
          knuckleheads. Who wants to see a
          smart guy live his life normally?
          What's funny about that? What else
          you got?

          IRA
          I. .I gotta go through my notes.

          GEORGE
          I'm thinking about taking a gig,
          and having a solid hit before
          getting into breaking new ground.

          IRA
          Well we'll still write the script,
          right?

          

          

          

          

          76,

          GEORGE
          Yeah, if we can come up with an
          idea.

          IRA
          Let's just keep banging at it.

          GEORGE
          I can't. I've got a date.

          IRA
          You have a date? Who do you have a
          date with?

          GEORGE
          This woman my agent set me up with.
          She raises money for this
          environmental group. I guess she's
          like a normal person. I can't live
          here alone in this house forever.
          I need something of significance in
          my life. So I'm gonna go out on
          some dates. No pressure.

          IRA
          You know what you should do, just
          as an experiment? You should try
          and not fuck her?

          GEORGE
          Why would you say that?

          IRA
          Because you're always saying you
          don't know if women like you for
          who you are. You don't know if
          they like you because you have
          money or you're famous. Why not
          take some time and get to know them
          before ass-raping them. In a
          romantic way.

          GEORGE
          That's insulting. Don't take out
          your frustrations on me because you
          can't get laid by acting like I'm
          some sort of deviant. I'm an
          adult. I have adult sexual
          relationships. No one does what
          they don't want to do. Sex is how
          people decide if they like each
          other. I'm testing my
          compatibility by ass-raping them.

          

          

          

          

          77.

          IRA
          See, you can't do it. You can't
          even entertain the idea of getting
          to know somebody for a month before
          sleeping with them.

          GEORGE
          That's not true. I'm bored of sex,
          anyway. There is literally no body-
          part/orifice combination I haven't
          experimented with. There is
          nothing left to do. There is no
          nationalities I haven't.slept with,
          no age groups I haven't slept with.
          I'm fully ready for normal.

          IRA
          What nationalities have you slept
          with?

          GEORGE
          US. Canada. Mexico. England.
          France. Spain. North Korea. Burma.
          Rwanda. Kenya. Tibet. Serbia.
          Chechnya. Iran. The Green Zone.
          Darfur. The Killing Fields of
          Cambodia. Mongolia. What about
          you?

          IRA
          New Jersey. Do handjobs count?
          Because then also California.

          INT. RESTAURTANT - NIGHT

          George is talking with RACHEL WARWICK.

          GEORGE
          You know, I haven't been out on a
          blind date, ever. This may be the
          first one.

          RACHEL
          Oh I go out on them all the time.
          I've been on a bunch of J Dates.

          GEORGE
          What's J Date?

          RACHEL
          It's a website where Jewish people
          find each other.

          

          

          

          

          78.

          GEORGE
          So it's just a list of all the
          Jewish people? I thought we didn't
          liked to be tracked and monitored
          like that.
          She looks at him, doesn't get the joke.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          You know, because of
          the... holocaust.

          RACHEL
          (not understanding)
          It's just a great way for like-
          minded people to meet.

          GEORGE
          What if you don't like Jews?
          She just stares at him.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          I'm joking.
          (a beat)
          So, uh, I hear you raise uh money
          for an environmental group. That
          must be very satisfying.

          RACHEL
          It is, because, fixing the
          environment is really about having
          enough of a war chest to sue local
          government and corporations so
          they're forced to observe the
          environmental statutes that are
          already on the books. We also try
          to put pressure on the government
          to put pressure on other countries
          to clean up their environmental
          act. You know, one dilapidated
          factory in China can produce more
          pollution than every car in America
          puts out in one year.

          GEORGE
          See? That's why I still drive a
          big truck. I stop driving that
          truck and that factory shuts down.

          

          

          

          

          "79

          RACHEL
          (not smiling)
          I know you're joking, but it's a
          very serious situation. People
          like you do a lot of damage to the
          environment. Whether it's taking a
          private jet by yourself, or getting
          driven around town limos around
          town or living in your gas-guzzling
          houses. Your carbon footprint is
          huge.

          GEORGE
          You know what they say about people
          with a big carbon footprint? Big
          dick.

          INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - MORNING

          George comes in and wakes Ira up.

          GEORGE
          Come on. We're gonna go do a gig
          tonight. Up north. And you're
          gonna open up for me.

          IRA
          How big a theater?

          GEORGE
          I think two thousand.

          IRA
          You should have told me so I could
          have prepared. I've never played a
          place that big. How long do you
          want me to do?

          GEORGE
          Twenty minutes. Thirty, if you can
          get there.

          IRA
          Shit.

          GEORGE
          Dress nice. Tickets are expensive.

          IRA
          I don't own anything nice.

          

          

          

          

          80.

          INT. CAR - DAY


           THE
           Ira is driving George's Mercedes. George sits in
           player.
          backseat watching "Cloverfield" on a built-in DVD
          We see images of different parts of California.

          IRA
          How fucking up north is this?

          GEORGE
          Its near San Francisco.

          IRA
          So we have like five more hours to
          drive?

          GEORGE
          It's not that far. It's like two
          more movies.

          IRA
          I don't like how you made me your
          limo driver. It's weird you're in
          the back and I'm up here.

          GEORGE
          I'd sit up front but the DVD player
          is back here.

          IRA
          I can't even listen to the radio
          because you're watching the movie.
          Can I sit back there and you drive?

          GEORGE
          No. I'm near-sighted. I'll miss
          the exit.
          We Lear an EXPLOSION from the movie.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Holy shit!

          IRA
          What happened?

          GEORGE
          The monster showed himself.

          

          

          

          

          81.

          IRA

          (SARCASTIC)
          Great.

          EXT. THEATER - DUSK

          The car pulls up to the theater.

          INT. THEATER - MOMENTS LATER

          One of the MANAGERS walks George and Ira through the back of
          the theater toward the dressing room. They walk across the
          stage and we see the empty 2,000 seat theater. Ira is freaked
          out.

          INT. DRESSING ROOM

          George and Ira are sitting in the dressing room, nibbling
          from the fruit tray. There's a knock at the door. A
          Security Person escorts Laura into the dressing room. Ira is
          thrown.

          GEORGE
          Hey, you made it.

          LAURA
          I wouldn't have missed it for the
          world, thanks for inviting me.

          GEORGE
          You remember Ira.

          LAURA
          Hi Ira. Are you performing
          tonight?

          IRA
          I'm afraid so. I've been told if
          I'm good it warms the crowd, and if
          I'm bad it makes them want George
          more, so...

          LAURA
          You look great. How are you
          feeling?

          GEORGE
          I'm hanging in there.

          

          

          

          

          82.

          LAURA
          I thought a lot about you after I
          left.

          GEORGE
          Me too.

          LAURA
          Well the show is going to start in
          a minute, I better get to my seat.
          I just wanted to say hi. Don't be
          too dirty tonight, you know that
          makes me uncomfortable.

          GEORGE
          Now I have no jokes. Ira, you have
          to do an hour and half.
          She laughs.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Come by after and give me the
          review.

          LAURA
          Okay. Break a leg.
          She exits.

          IRA
          You didn't tell her that you're not
          sick anymore? Why wouldn't you
          tell her?

          GEORGE
          I need you to do something for me.
          After your set I gave you a seat
          right next to her. During the
          intermission I want yQ.u to tell her
          I'm not sick anymore.

          IRA
          Me? Why do you want me to tell
          her?

          GEORGE
          Because it's weird, and emotional.
          I think she'll handle it better if
          it comes from somebody else. And
          then I can talk to her about it
          afterwards.

          

          

          

          

          83.

          IRA
          That's weird.

          GEORGE
          She'll be happy. It's not weird.
          You're the bearer of good news.

          IRA
          You had to do this to me right
          before my set. Like I'm not
          nervous enough.

          CUT TO:

          INT. THEATER

          Ira is performing on stage, doing his set. He's doing really
          well. This theater crowd is very enthusiastic about being
          there and gives him the benefit of the doubt on most of his
          jokes. As he continues his set, he gets more confident and,
          for the first time in the film, we think he has the potential
          to be a strong comic.

          INT. THEATER - INTERMISSION

           Laura is sitting in her seat by herself. Ira makes his way
          across the aisle and sits down next to her.

          LAURA
          Ira. Oh my gosh. You were so
          good.

          IRA
          You seem surprised.

          LAURA
          I don't know, you seemed so
          nervous. But you were really solid
          all the way though, and your ending
          hunk really murdered.

          IRA
          Thank you. Hopefully George won't
          be mad if I tired the audience out.

          LAURA
          I don't think he has anything to
          worry about. They always go crazy
          for him. Before he got famous, he
          used to bomb all the time.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          84.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          And that's when I think he was the
          funniest. And now that everyone
          knows him, it's a little too easy
          for him, I think. No one was
          funnier when the audience hated him
          than George. He loved it.

          IRA
          So you guys were dating right when
          he started doing well?

          LAURA
          Yeah. But you always knew he was
          gonna do well. He had so much
          charisma. He would walk into a
          room and in ten minutes that whole
          room would be about him. Even
          before anyone knew who he was.

          IRA
          Where did you meet him?

          LAURA
          I was the hat-check girl at the
          Improv. And I was acting. I used
          to do guest spots on all those
          shows, like Melrose Place, Beverly
          Hills 90210. I always played the
          bitch. I don't know why, but I was
          on the top of the bitch list.

          IRA
          You don't seem like a bitch.

          LAURA
          That's because I was acting.

          IRA
          Sounds like fun days.

          LAURA
          It was, for awhile.
          Reveal George in the wings trying to get a look at them from
          a distance.

          IRA
          I don't know if you've heard, but
          it looks like George's medicine is
          working.

          LAURA
          What do you mean?

          

          

          

          

          85.

          IPA
          When George got sick they didn't
          think they had any medicine that
          would help, so they put him on
          experimental medicine. And the
          last time he went to the doctor
          they couldn't detect his blood
          disease. They think it might be
          gone.
          A moment as Laura takes this in.

          LAURA
          Why didn't George tell me?

          IRA
          He just found out. He doesn't want
          to jinx it. He doesn't want people
          to get excited, and then have it
          come back again.
          The lights go down.

          ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
          Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's the
          man you came to see. George
          Simmons.
          The place EXPLODES.

          IRA

          (JOKING)
          I thought everyone came to see me.
          George begins his act. He could not kill harder. Or look
          more healthy and charismatic. We can tell it is all a show
          for Laura. Laura is completely thrown by this turn of
          events.
          The content of George's act is meant to portray him in a more
          positive, sympathetic light to Laura. He talks about being
          sick and the lessons he learned in a very dark, hilarious,
          and also uplifting way. All of it is intended to make him
          look like he has grown up and become wiser, and someone you
          could trust and spend your life with.

          INT. DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW

          Laura is talking to George and Ira.

          

          

          

          

          86.

          LAURA
          I really don't know what to say.
          It's not like you weren't good
          before, but your act is so much
          more sophisticated, but just as
          funny. I've never seen you speak
          so honestly on stage before. You
          used to say these goofy jokes. It
          was really something, you know, and
          you should be really proud of
          yourself.

          GEORGE
          Thanks. A lot has happened. And
          at least I got some good jokes out
          of it.

          LAURA
          Well, thanks for inviting me. I'm
          really glad I came.

          GEORGE
          Ira and I are driving out of town
          tomorrow, I thought maybe we could
          stop by your place on our way out.
          I want to see what the ranch looks
          like, and meet your husband.

          LAURA
          My husband is actually in China for
          another week, or so. He spends a
          lot of time there helping American
          businesses break into that market.
          So you won't meet him this time,
          but it would be great if you came
          by. That would be fun. I'll give
          you the tour.

          GEORGE
          Okay. We'll come by in the
          morning.

          LAURA
          Okay.
          An awkward beat. Laura gives Ira a hug goodbye, then hugs
          George goodbye, trying to make it appear as if they have
          equal weight.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          Bye. I'll see you then.
          She looks at Ira. As she exits--

          

          

          

          

          87.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          You were good too.

          IRA
          Why do we have to stop by there
          tomorrow? The drive is long enough
          as it is.
          George opens up his wallet, gives Ira a thousand dollars.

          GEORGE
          Here's your money for tonight.
          Good job.

          IRA
          I'm excited to see her ranch. I
          hear it's delightful.

          INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

          Ira and George are in a room that has two queen-sized beds.
          They each lay on their bed in the dark.

          IRA
          Why couldn't we have gotten two
          different rooms?

          GEORGE
          What's the fun in that? You can go
          pay for your own room, I don't
          care.

          IRA
          So, what happened with you and
          Laura? You seem to get along so
          well. Why did you cheat on her?

          GEORGE
          I was young, stupid... and I liked
          fucking girls. Why do you think I
          cheated? You would do it too if
          anyone would fuck you.

          IRA
          How many times did you cheat on
          her?

          GEORGE
          Two or three times ...a week ...for a
          couple of years.

          

          

          

          

          88.

          IRA
          Jesus.

          GEORGE
          It was awful. There was even
          marriage talk. My parents didn't
          want me to do it because she wasn't
          Jewish. She was taking classes to
          convert, even. I mean, how cool is
          that? She was changing religions
          to be with me. She knew more about
          being a Jew than I did from those
          classes. She was so cute when she
          spoke Hebrew, it sounded so wrong.
          George says the Jewish grand prayer with a waspy accent.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          And then one day, somebody told
          her, I don't know who. And that was
          that.

          IRA
          Why do you want to go see her
          tomorrow? We could do something
          productive like get some writing
          done.

          GEORGE
          I like her. I love her. I miss
          her. I just want to spend a little
          time with her. I know nothing will
          come of it. I just miss being
          around her.
          A beat. George starts clicking through Video On--Demand adult
          movies.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Anything looking good to you?

          IRA
          I don't want to watch adult movies
          with you.

          GEORGE
          okay. You want to watch Juno?

          IRA
          Okay.

          

          

          

          

          89.
          Juno begins playing.

          CUT TO:

          EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY

          George and Ira drive up to the house. It's a large one-story
          house that is part of a ranch with a lot of land and a horse
          stable.
          They walk to the front door, ring the doorbell. George seems;
          a little nervous.

          IRA
          You okay, buddy?

          GEORGE
          Yeah, of course I am.
          Laura opens the door.

          LAURA
          Hi? We've been waiting for you.
          Come on in.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - CONTINUOUS


          GEORGE
          This place is beautiful.

          LAURA
          Thanks. We've been here for five
          years. I think I just finished
          decorating it.
          She leads them through the living room into a huge open
          kitchen. On the island, there is freshly squeezed lemonade,
          chips and dip. She has over-prepared for their arrival.

          IRA
          Can I live here?

          LAURA
          of course, you can clean the
          stables.

          GEORGE
          You have horses?

          

          

          

          

          90.

          LAURA
          Yes. Clarke, my husband, was a
          real city boy. But for some reason
          he loves horses. Of course I'm
          lef t to take care of them. But
          yes, we have three horses.

          IRA
          That's crazy, owning a horse. I
          can't even keep a goldfish alive.

          GEORGE
          All right, well, we're ready for
          the big tour. I want to see how
          you live.
          Suddenly, Laura's five-year-old daughter INGRID runs into the
          room and she's pissed.

          INGRID
          Mom! You said you were coming
          back! We're playing American Idol,
          you're ruining the game!
          Ira is shocked to see that Laura has a child. This
          complicates a situation he already thought was getting too
          complicated.

          LAURA
          I'll come right up. This is my
          friend, George. And Ira.

          INGRID
          It's my turn to sing and you're
          supposed to be the judge and you're
          not in there and I'm very angry!

          IRA
          How old are you?

          INGRID
          Five. But I turn six very soon.

          IRA
          Really? Because I thought you were
          like nine, about to turn ten.

          GEORGE
          She's very pretty.
          (to Ingrid)
          I like your hair.

          

          

          

          

          INGRID
          I'm so sick of people telling me
          they like my hair.
          George is clearly not that good with kids.

          GEORGE
          Okay. I do not like your hair.

          INGRID
          Don't make fun of me.

          LAURA
          He's just joking Ingrid.

          IRA
          My hair. I have curly hair too.
          Curly hair is the best.

          INGRID
          Last week my mom straightened it
          and it almost went to the floor.

          IRA
          If you straighten my hair, I look
          crazy. I look like the killer from
          No Country for Old Men. Have you
          seen that movie?
          MABLE, Laura's ten-year-old daughter storms into the room.

          MABLE
          You guys left me all alone in the
          playroom! If you're gonna leave
          I'm just gonna go talk on the
          webcam with Caroline.

          LAURA
          Don't be rude. This is Ira and
          George.

          MABLE
          Oh, I know you. My mom watches
          your movies all the time. But most
          of them I'm not allowed to see.
          George smiles at Ira--Laura's a little busted.

          GEORGE
          Oh, really? Do you like them?
          Which one's your favorite?

          

          

          

          

          92.

          MABLE
          I don't know. I don't really like
          the ones I'm allowed to see, but I
          think I would like the ones I'm not
          allowed to see. But she says I
          cant' see them till I'm sixteen.

          GEORGE
          Sixteen? Just fast-forward past
          the bad parts.

          LAURA
          The whole thing is a bad part.
          George LAUGHS in a slightly flirty fashion with Laura. Ira is
          getting uncomfortable with the subtext.

          LAURA (CONT' D )
          C'mon, let's finish the game.

          INT. PLAYROOM

          George, Ira, Laura, and Mable are sitting on the floor.
          Ingrid stands on a make-shift stage singing a Miley Cyrus
          song while wearing a feather boa and sunglasses and a red
          wig.

          INGRID

          (SINGS)
          You've got the best of both worlds.
          Rock it out take it slow. And then
          you rock out the show!
          Everyone applauds for her.

          LAURA
          Okay. Now it's time to see what
          the judges say. I thought you had
          a lot of energy, you're clearly
          gonna make it to the final four,
          and I love your outfit. What do
          you think, Randy?

          IRA
          Yo, dawg. That was the bomb. It
          was a little pitchy in places, but
          I dug it. I really dug it.

          MABLE
          .I'm Simon, and I thought it was
          horrible. I don't how you made it
          this far in the competition.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          9 1

          MABLE (CONT'D)
          I think Paula is drunk. You will
          never be American Idol.

          LAURA
          Mable, stop it. Stop being mean to
          your sister. Say something nice.

          MABLE

          (ANNOYED)
          You were good.

          LAURA
          Okay, you're not Simon anymore.
          (to George)
          Simon, what did you think?

          GEORGE
          I can't believe I'm saying this,
          but I agree with Paula. I think
          you're the one to beat.
          They all applaud. Ira notices Laura looking at George with
          admiring eyes that reek of more than friendship.

          LAURA
          Okay Mable, you're up.
          Mable instantly starts gyrating in a manner that is not
          appropriate for a ten-year-old and singing the Fergie song
          "London Bridge."

          MABLE

          (SINGING)
          I want to go down like London,
          London.

          LAURA
          I told you not to do that. Simon,
          what do you think?

          INGRID
          She was horrible! She's a terrible
          singer! She's inappropriate!

          LAURA
          Okay, who's next? Randy?

          IRA
          I don't know, Dawg. It was a bad
          song choice. I'm not feeling it.

          GEORGE
          My turn. Get ready to be blown
          away.

          

          

          

          

          94.
          George gets up on stage.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)

          (SINGING)
          Take me down to the paradise city.
          Where the grass is green and the
          girls are pretty. Oh, won't you
          please take me home.

          (FASTER)
          Just an urchin livin' under the
          street, I'm a hard case that's
          tough to beat. I'm your charity
          case so buy me somethin' to eat.
          I'll pay you at another time! Take
          it to the end of the line!

          MABLE
          Boo!

          INGRID
          Boo!

          GEORGE
          What? It's Paradise City, by Guns
          and Roses.

          INGRID
          You sound like a girl!

          MABLE
          Vote him off!

          EXT. RANCH - DAY

          Laura sits on a ATV. George sits behind her. Ira is on
          another ATV with Ingrid sitting in front of him, as he
          steers. Mable rides a very small dirt bike.

          LAURA
          All right! Here we go.
          They start driving down a path that goes around the edge of
          the ranch. George has his hands around Laura's waist as they
          drive. Ira looks over, concerned.

          INT. BARN - DAY

          Laura shows them their horses, chickens, goats and ducks.

          

          

          

          

          95.

          EXT. RANCH - DAY

          Laura points out a small pond and a fenced-in riding area.
          Laura slows down and allows Ira, Mable and Ingrid to get
          ahead and turn a corner. Then she stops the ATV and turns
          around and kisses George.
          George looks surprised, but happy. Laura just stares at him,
          trying to decide what she makes of him now. Then we hear

          O.S.

          MABLE (O.S.)
          Mom! Mom!
          Laura hits the gas and they continue the tour.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - LATER

          The kids are playing in the background as George, Laura and
          Ira talk.

          GEORGE
          Ira, Laura invited us to stay over
          for dinner.

          IRA
          But it's like a seven, eight hour
          drive home. If we stay for dinner,
          we're not going to get home till
          like four in the morning.
          George stares at Ira for a beat, then --

          GEORGE
          Don't worry, we'll figure it out.
          You have something to do in the
          morning?

          IRA
          No.

          GEORGE
          Then everything will be fine.

          LAURA
          Me and George are gonna go to the
          supermarket and buy some food so I
          can cook dinner. You think you'll
          be okay watching the kids? It'll
          only take forty-five minutes.

          

          

          

          

          96.

          IRA
          Sure. I'm great with kids. I was
          a camp counselor for five years.
          Camp Winadu. Kids love me. I'm
          like a human teddy bear.

          CUT TO:

          INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY

          Laura is driving through town. George sits in the passenger
          seat.

          GEORGE
          This town is so small and adorable.
          It's like out of a Demi Moore
          movie.

          LAURA
          Clarke's company is about forty-
          five minutes from here. This town
          seemed so perfect when we were
          looking for a house. There's no
          traffic, there's one coffee house,
          one bookstore, one market. No
          crime. But after you've lived her
          a few years you hunger for another
          coffee shop, a bigger bookstore,
          and a little crime. It gets so
          boring. And it's such a small
          town, God forbid you miss one of
          you kid's soccer games, they put
          the scarlet letter on you.

          GEORGE
          it can't be that bad. You live on
          a pretty little ranch. You have
          horses, a duck. It must be a nice
          life.

          LAURA
          We used to have so much fun. I
          don't think I have that much fun
          anymore. I don't like who I'm
          turning into. Is the fun over? I
          have to get up every morning at
          six, drive my kids to school and
          then I have 6 hours before I have
          to pick them up. I have to yell at
          them to do their homework, be a
          taskmaster, then I make them
          dinner.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          97.

           LAURA (CONT'D)
           It takes an hour to shower them and
           put them to bed. And then it's
          8:30 and I pass out. And it's
           great, but tuck. And when both
           kids are done with high school I'll
          be 49 years old, and then I'll have
           probably 6 very healthy years, then
          I'll kind of slow down and then
          I'll be an old woman. And that was
          it. And it's great, but fuck.

          GEORGE
          I couldn't believe you moved out of
          LA. You were getting some good
          jobs as an actress. You got to
          play the bitch on Melrose Place for
          awhile and make out with Andrew
          Shue. That was pretty good. Do you
          miss it?

          LAURA
          Yes. Being a mom is very
          fulfilling, but there are other
          parts of me and every once in
          awhile I go a little crazy.

          GEORGE
          How do you go crazy?

          LAURA
          I just get bored and depressed.
          And you know how my PMS is kind of
          out of control. This little boy
          hit Ingrid in school, and his mom
          acted like she didn't care at all,
          so I told her to fuck off.
          They both laugh.

          GEORGE
          Oh, that must have gotten ugly.
          How long did that stay awkward for?

          LAURA

          (JOKING)
          Always. That woman hates me. And
          I hate her. And now our kids
          really like each other, so it's
          really fucked up.

          GEORGE
          Maybe you weren't acting on Melrose
          Place.

          

          

          

          

          98.
          She laughs.

          LAURA
          Screw you.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY

          Ira, Mable and Ingrid are making elaborate paper mache heads.
          As they do it, Ira is leading them in the type of song you
          would sing at camp.

          INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY


          LAURA
          And my husband cheated on me, said
          he did it once but I know because I
          learned from you, they do it once,
          they do it all the time. You
          either cheat or you don't.

          GEORGE
          well I don't anymore. I haven't
          cheated on anybody since you. I
          haven't even been in a committed
          relationship since you, so it's
          impossible for me to have cheated.

          LAURA
          That's both flattering and deeply
          disturbing.

          GEORGE
          I thought a lot about you when I
          was sick, and I would do anything
          for another chance. I know it
          creates a mess, but I think it
          would be worth it. I think we both
          know it's what we should be doing.
          He kisses her.

          LAURA
          We can't go the supermarket.

          GEORGE
          Why?

          LAURA
          Because people will see us.

          

          

          

          

          99.

          GEORGE
          So? What's wrong with that?

          LAURA
          Well it'll be weird because we're
          about to do something we shouldn't
          do.

          EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY

           Ira, Mable and Ingrid are outside at a table building houses
          out of Popsicle sticks.

          IRA
          If you had an Exacto knife we could
          cut these sticks in half and make a
          chimney.

          MABLE

          (SADLY)
          When is George gonna die?

          INGRID
          George is gonna die?

          IRA
          Why would you say that?

          MABLE
          I heard my mom talking to her
          friend about it on the phone and
          crying.

          INGRID
          I don't want George to die.

          MABLE
          What do you care? You just met
          him.

          IRA
          George is gonna be fine.

          MABLE
          They told me my grandfather
          wouldn't die, but he did.

          IRA
          Here's the truth. George was
          really sick.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          100.

          IRA (CONT'D)
          But he went to the doctor and they
          found the right medicine and now
          he's better. And he's gonna live a
          long time.
          The kids buy it, and Ira seems relieved.

          MABLE
          I think my mom's in love with him.
          Ira looks doubly disturbed. He quickly goes back to his
          popsicle sticks.

          EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST HOUSE

          George and Laura park in the driveway, then sneak around to a
          back guest house.

          INT. GUEST HOUSE - DAY

          George and Laura enter the guest house, which has been turned
          into her husband's office/playroom/sports-viewing room. On
          the wall are six enormous flatscreen TVs. The room is also
          filled with sports memorabilia in Lucite cases and expensive
          looking sports photography.

          GEORGE
          Does somebody in your family like
          sports?
          They start passionately making out, slamming into the
          flatscreens.

          LAURA
          I really never thought I was going
          to see you again. I grieved for
          you like you were dead.
          They continue to kiss. Suddenly she stops.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          I can't do this.

          GEORGE
          Then let's not do it.
          She stares at him, trying to figure out what he's become-- is
          he a good guy or a bad guy?

          LAURA
          I gotta get back to the kids.

          

          

          

          

          101.
          INT. LAtJRA'S RANCH - ENTRYWAY - DAY
          Laura and George are walking into the house. They are not
          holding any bags. They walk into the living room where Ira
          is making a Spongebob SquarePants puzzle on the floor with
          Mable and Ingrid.

          IRA
          You're back. That was quick.

          GEORGE
          The town is beautiful.

          IRA
          Where are the groceries?

          LAURA
          We decided ordering in might be a
          little more fun.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

          Everyone is sitting on the couch watching Ratatouille on the
          television. They see car lights in the driveway.

          LAURA
          Food's here! All right, everybody.
          Let's sit down at the kitchen
          table.
          Everyone gets up and heads toward the kitchen. Laura opens
          the front door, George is a few steps behind her. A handsome
          man of forty appears. This is not the pizza guy. It's
          CLARKS, Laura's husband.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          Clarke, oh my gosh. What are you
          doing home?

          CLARKE
          The man I was supposed to have a
          meeting with had a heart attack, if
          you can believe that. So I decided
          to try and sneak home for a few
          days before my next set of
          meetings.
          George appears behind Laura, not knowing what he's getting
          himself into.

          

          

          

          

          102.

          GEORGE
          Oh. Hello.

          CLARKE
          Hello.

          LAURA
          Oh, Clarke. George had a
          performance last night in town,
          which I went to, and him and his
          opening act, Ira, came by to say
          hello on their way out of town.
          There is an awkward moment, then Clarke smiles and gives
          George a compassionate look, the type of look you give a man
          you think is dying.

          CLARKE
          It is really nice to meet you,
          George. Laura talks about you all
          the time, and we're obviously big
          fans of your movies.

          GEORGE
          Well, thank you. You've got a
          great family and a great home.

          LAURA
          I'm so glad you're home, honey.
          Laura gives Clarke a hug and a peck. Then Ira walks over.

          IRA
          What's taking so long with the
          pizza?
          Before anyone can say anything the PIZZA DELIVERY GUY appears
          in the doorway.

          PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
          Hi. That'll be twenty-eight forty-
          seven, please.

          INT. KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING

          Everyone is seated for dinner, including the kids.

          IRA

          (NERVOUSLY)
          This is really great pizza. Thank
          you very much.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          103.

          IRA (CCNT'D)
          It tastes just like New York pizza,
          which is so surprising because you
          can't get good pizza in Los
          Angeles, so you wouldn't think you
          could get it in Northern
          California. But this really tastes
          like New York pizza.
          A long pause.

          GEORGE
          Sounds like your business is going
          very well.

          CLARKE
          People never thought China would do
          this much business with us, you
          know, but it didn't seem like a
          risky proposition for me. They've
          got a billion people, we make all
          kinds of cool shit in America,
          they start finding out about it on
          the internet and what-not. Sooner
          or later they're gonna find a way
          to get our shit.

          LAURA
          He speaks Chinese. For real.
          Ingrid yells at something in Chinese.

          CLARKE
          You don't think they want new
          mobile phones? A new X-box? I'm
          trying to get access into North
          Korea, no shit. That situation
          could chance overnight. That is a
          huge market waiting to be tapped.
          It's already starting in Cuba.

          IRA
          My friend backpacked across China
          and he caught some sort of virus or
          something from what he ate. He was
          sickforweeks. He still has it.
          It'sthekind of thing you can't
          getridof, you have it for the
          restofyour life, but it stays
          dormant.

          CLARKE
          So, George. How are you holding
          up?

          

          

          

          

          104.

          GEORGE
          Uh...I'm hanging in there.

          CLARKE
          How are you feeling?

          LAURA
          He's doing really well. He's been
          very strong.

          CLARKE
          It's a terrible situation. I'm so
          sorry.

          GEORGE
          I appreciate that.

          LAURA
          He's been fighting the good fight.
          His doctors are taking very good
          care of him.
          Ira can believe this conversation is happening.

          CLARKE
          You're a tougher man than me. I
          don't know how I could go about my
          day with that hanging over my head.

          GEORGE
          It just makes you appreciate every
          moment. It brings things into
          focus, you suddenly realize what's
          important in life.

          LAURA
          Does anybody want seconds? Or
          should I bring out the desert?

          IRA
          I'd love desert. What do you have?
          Do you have any ice cream or cake,
          or anything like that? I have a
          real big sweet tooth right now.
          Why don't we go into the kitchen
          and do an ice cream bar with kids
          right now? I've got a better idea,
          I make a really good milkshake. We
          should all go make milkshakes with
          the kids right now in the kitchen.

          

          

          

          

          105.

          TNT. LIVING ROOM
          Empty milkshakes litter the coffee table.

          CLARKE
          Do you know who might be able to
          help you? A Chinese doctor. Have
          you explored Eastern medicine at
          all?

          LAURA
          Now's not the time to talk about
          this.

          CLARKE
          I'm trying to help the man.

          GEORGE
          No, I haven't.

          CLARKE
          Hey. I'm the last guy who would
          buy into that shit, but it works.

          LAURA
          He really is the last guy who would
          buy into that shit.

          CLARKE
          Our country's only two hundred
          years old. The Chinese have been
          around for thousand of years
          figuring this shit out. How I got
          into it, I had acid ref lux and
          nothing was working and then this
          guy at work turned me onto a
          Chinese doctor and he gave me some
          herbs that tasted like dogshit, but
          they worked.

          LAURA

          (NERVOUSLY)
          I take herbs for my PMS. They
          really helped.

          MABLE
          Daddy, you've been cursing a lot.
          You owe me a dollar for every
          curse. I think you owe me fifty
          dollars.

          

          

          

          

          106.

          INGRID
          This conversation is scaring me. I
          don't want George to die.

          CLARKE
          You girls can go play in the other
          room. The Chinese have a completely
          different way of looking at health.
          They don't think doctors should
          attack the diseases in the body,
          they're all about trying to support
          the body and make it stronger, so
          the body can fight off the disease.
          It works. I've seen it. I wish I
          could find a way to mass-market
          Chinese medicine in this country.
          Someone's gonna do it and make a
          fuck-load of money. Because these
          people get old, really old. You
          can't kill these people.

          IRA
          Either that or they're all young
          and they just look like shit.
          Clarke laughs.

          CLARKE
          This guy's funny. You should be
          opening up for this guy. Hey, who
          wants a drink?

          EXT. RANCH - NIGHT

          Everyone is taking a walk around the ranch. It is very
          pretty outside.

          CLARKE
          I'm going to retire in seven years.
          I'm done. I'm playing golf for the
          next fifty years. Work hard now,
          then get out. That's my plan. I'm
          putting in the time. Then I'm
          getting the fuck out. I don't like
          working. I will do it. I like
          what it gets me. But I don't like
          it.

          GEORGE
          You ever see Laura act? She was
          quite an actress in her day.

          

          

          

          

          107.

          LAURA
          George, stop.

          CLARKE
          That's what I hear. Can't say I
          watched that much 'Melrose Place'
          back in the day. She keeps telling
          me to watch the videos but, you
          know, I was never a big 'Party of
          Five' fan.

          LAURA
          Well, I also ran a theatre company.
          And it was down to me and Cameron
          Diaz for 'The Mask.' I sacrificed
          a lot for our family.

          CLARKE
          Okay, if you say so.
          (a beat)
          The Mask was a funny fucking movie.
          You know what other movie Cameron
          Diaz was great in? 'There's
          Something About Mary.'
          Laura looks livid at her husband's insensitivity and
          disrespect. They keep walking.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          I love walking it off after a big
          meal.

          GEORGE
          It's beautiful here at night.

          LAURA
          There's no pollution here like in
          LA so you can actually see the
          stars.

          IRA
          They are beautiful, but we have to
          get going. We have a really long
          drive to get back to Los Angeles.

          CLARKE
          You can't leave now, you won't get
          back until daylight. You should
          crash in the guest house. I'm sure
          it not as fancy pants as where you
          live, George, but it's better than
          driving all night or crashing at a
          hotel.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          108.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          And if you want to hang out
          tomorrow I just installed six
          flatscreens, we can watch all the
          football games we want. And dog-
          racing from Florida. There's a big
          game tomorrow. Ira, you must have
          played some ball in your day.

          IRA
          No, I'm just big-boned.

          GEORGE
          We probably should get some rest
          before the drive. All right, show
          us to our quarters, sir.

          INT. GUEST BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

          George sleeps on the bed. Ira sleeps on a couch across the
          room. The door slowly opens, Laura enters wearing a bathrobe.
          She walks to the bed and quietly slips under the covers,
          removing her bathrobe in the process. Without ever speaking,
          she pulls the covers over both of them and begins to make
          love to him. George is surprised but not completely shocked
          and goes along happily with it.
          ANGLE ON: Ira, he never wakes up.

          INT. KITCHEN - MORNING


          CLARKE
          You sure you can't stay?

          IRA
          We really do need to get back. I
          have to visit my mom. I can't miss
          it. It's her birthday. Everyone
          in my family is coming in from
          across the country for it. She's
          turning 65. It's very important we
          get back for it.

          LAURA
          That's too bad, I wish you could
          stay.

          CLARKE
          (very serious)
          I wish I could say I was gonna see
          you again, but I can't say that.
          His eyes start to mist up.

          

          

          

          

          109.

          LAURA
          Clarke, don't. You don't need to
          do that.

          CLARKE
          You know what? I think I do need
          to do that. One thing I learned in
          China from some Buddhist friends of
          mine is it's important to have an
          open heart, to live in the moment,
          and to speak the truth to each
          other. So I'd like to say to you,
          George, that it was a great
          pleasure to meet someone who had
          such a big impact on my wife's
          life. I really like you. And wish
          we had more time to get to know
          each other. And I wish you a
          peaceful end to your journey. And
          another great journey on the other
          side of it.
          Clarke hugs George.

          GEORGE
          I really don't know what to say. I
          re- ally don't know what to say.

          LAURA
          That was beautiful, honey. Well
          let me walk them to the car.
          Ingrid walks over.

          INGRID
          Don't be sad. Ira told us that his
          medicine is working and he's not
          sick anymore.

          MABLE
          I think that was a secret. I don't
          think you were supposed to say
          that.

          CLARKE
          Mable, take Ingrid into the house.

          MABLE
          Can we watch another SpongeBob
          movie? Atlantis.Squarepantis?

          

          

          

          

          110.

          CLARKE
          Yes. Go into the house and watch a
          movie now!
          Mable and Ingrid walk back to the house.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          What the fuck is going on around
          here?
          (to Laura)
          Is that true?

          LAURA
          I never said that he was still
          sick. He just took some medicine
          and it's looking better. You can't
          detect it in his blood, but it
          could come back.

          CLARKE
          Is it looking better? Or is he
          better?
          (to Ira)
          Is he sick anymore?

          IRA
          Well ...I don't how you define these
          things-I'm not... sure.

          CLARKE
          is something going on here? Are
          you getting your revenge on me
          while I'm away? I came clean with
          you, you can't come clean with me.

          LAURA
          You know what? I don't know what I
          want now.

          IRA
          Oh shit.
          It's ON.

          CLARKE
          So this is what you want? Was he
          ever sick in the first place?

          IRA
          He was sick. He was very sick.

          

          

          

          

          CLARKE
          Because if this is what you want,
          I'll leave right now. I'm not
          going to play these games. I'm
          happy to leave. I'm not gonnna
          have you put me on the cross
          because I made some mistakes. You
          guys enjoy each other. I could
          give a fuck. If you need me, I'll
          be at my apartment in China.
          Clarke leaves.

          INT. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Mable and Ingrid are asleep.

          INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Laura is alone in her room, crying. (she might be on the
          phone, talking honestly with a friend.)

          INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

          George lays on the bed. Ira is pacing around the room.

          IRA
          What the fuck is going on? Did you
          guys do something?

          GEORGE
          We had sex in Clarke's office.

          IRA
          Why?

          GEORGE
          Because I love her. She's the best
          thing that's ever happened to me.

          IRA
          But she has two kids, she's
          married.

          GEORGE
          She's miserable. He cheated on
          her.

          IRA
          You cheated on her.

          

          

          

          

          112.

          GEORGE
          Yeah, but that was a long time ago.
          I've changed. You saw that douche
          bag. You don't think he's fucking
          geishas on every business trip?

          IRA
          He was trying to cure you with
          herbs. He seems like a great guy.

          GEORGE
          This is none of your fucking
          business. Just stay out of it.

          IRA
          I can't stay out of it. We took
          your car here. I have no way of
          leaving.

          GEORGE
          This shit is deeper than you
          understand. People get divorced.
          People make mistakes and then they
          fix them. That's how life works.
          It's not a big deal. I know you're
          still sad because your parents got
          divorced. Well get the fuck over
          it. Call a fucking cab and go
          home.

          IRA
          So what are we gonna do?

          GEORGE
          You're gonna sleep in Clarke's
          office. I'm gonna go talk to
          Laura.

          INT. LAURA'S STUDY - LATER

          George walks into the room, discovers Laura on the computer,
          going through papers. She is smoking a joint.

          GEORGE
          On, there you are. I've been
          looking for you.

          LAURA
          I've been going through all the
          bank statements, trying to figure
          out which are in his name and which
          are in mine.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          113

          LAURA (CONT-C)
          Almost all the accounts are in his
          name. I wonder if he did that on
          purpose.

          GEORGE
          Are you smoking a joint?

          LAURA
          Yeah. My best friend Nancy grows
          this stuff on a hill by her house.
          You want some?

          GEORGE
          No, that stuff makes me paranoid.

          LAURA
          Not me. It makes me feel sharper,
          Some people get tired, I get more
          energy, more clear.

          GEORGE
          What's happening?

          LAURA
          What's happening? Whatever we want
          to happen is gonna happen now. I'm
          free. I'm fucking free.
          Laura gets up, kisses him.

          LAURA (CONT'D)
          We're free.

          GEORGE

          (NERVOUSLY)
          Yeah, we're free.
          They start kissing again. She starts to moan loudly.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Not so loud, your kids are
          sleeping.

          LAURA
          A tank could roll through this
          place, it wouldn't wake them up.
          They kiss some more. She moans louder.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST ROOM

          Ira calls Daisy on the phone, in a panic about what is
          happening.

          

          

          

          

          114.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          Hello?

          IRA
          (on phone)
          Hey, Daisy. It's Ira.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          Oh. Ira. What's going on?

          IRA
          I just wanted to talk to you
          because I'm in the middle of a
          terrible situation and I don't have
          anyone I can talk about it with.
          My friends are all mad at me and
          George is kind of losing his mind.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          You can tell me, what is it?

          IRA
          Look, I know you think I have the
          moral code of some guy from the 50s
          like Dwight Eisenhower, but I'm
          with George and he's hitting on his
          ex-girlfriend who's married now and
          has kids and I don't know what to
          do. I'm kind of freaking out. I
          think I'm having a panic attack.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          Well don't have a panic attack,
          that's not going to help anything.

          IRA
          Well telling me to not have a panic
          attack is not going to stop it.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          (screaming at the top of
          her lungs)

          DON'T HAVE A PANIC ATTACK!!!

          IRA
          Haha, very funny.

          DAISY (V.0.)
          Seriously, what's going on?

          IRA
          Well I guess they dated like ten
          years ago...

          

          

          

          

          115.
          Ira and Daisy begin to have a bonding conversation.

          MUSIC UP - MUSIC THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A NEW DAY, THE

          BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA.

          INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

          Laura, George, Ira, Mable and Ingrid are happily cooking and
          eating breakfast. They look like a happy, strange kid of
          family.

          EXT. RANCH - DAY

          Numerous images of them horse-back riding. Ira looks
          terrified.

          EXT. POND - DAY

          They are all fishing, feeding ducks.

          INT. GROVE - DAY

          They pick lemons out of a tree.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          They are riding ATVs while their dogs chase them.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          The kids are climbing a tree. Laura is spotting them.
          George pulls Ira aside.

          GEORGE

          (EXHAUSTED)
          Jesus Christ, what time is it
          already?

          IRA
          It's 10:15 in the morning.

          GEORGE
          Oh my god. Really? I mean, this
          is fun, but I don't know how much I
          can take. Hopefully they'll take a
          nap at some point. I want to take
          a nap.

          

          

          

          

          116.

          IRA
          They don't look that tired.
          The kids are yelling and screaming and clearly have eight
          more hours in them.

          INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY

          George, Laura, Ira, and the kids are seated at a table. The
          kids are coloring with crayons.

          MABLE
          Look what I did. I want this hung
          up on the wall.
          She shows them the picture, which is clearly not appropriate
          for the wall: a picture of herself choking and dying.

          MABLE (CONT'D)
          The food here made me sick.

          INGRID
          Mama, I have to go to the bathroom.
          Come wipe my butt.

          LAURA
          I have to talk to them for a
          minute. Mable, go wipe your
          sister's butt.

          MABLE
          She can do it. She's almost six.
          That's weird.
          Ingrid and Mable walk off together.

          IRA
          I wet the bed til I was eleven. It
          wasn't even a mental thing. I just
          got relaxed when I was asleep.

          LAURA
          I spoke to Clarke. He's going to
          fly back to China tonight. I was
          thinking about driving to the
          airport and meeting him there and
          telling him that when he comes
          back, he should find another place
          to live.

          

          

          

          

          117.

          GEORGE
          That's great. Are you okay doing
          that?

          LAURA
          Yes. It's what I want. I just
          need to figure out when we would
          move down to LA. It might be
          better to let the kids finish out
          the school year because I have to
          apply to the private schools in LA,
          and I don't know if I missed the
          deadline. Then I'd have to look
          into the charter schools.
          Sometimes these private schools, if
          you give them a donation, they let
          your kids in. Maybe you can stay
          up here for part of the year if I
          can't make it happen.

          GEORGE
          Sure. If I'm not shooting a movie,
          or on tour or something, that would
          be great.
          Laura leans in and kisses George. George is not big on
          public displays of affection. He kisses back, but you can
          tell that he's very uncomfortable.
          They hear the kids headed back to the table and quickly
          separate.

          MABLE
          I made her wipe her own butt.

          INGRID
          I did it, but I don't know if I did
          a good job.
          (to George)
          Look at what I drew. I drew a
          picture of you. Look? Show Mama.
          George holds it up. It is a picture of several people.

          INGRID (CONT'D)
          That's you. That's George. That's
          Mommy. And Daddy. And me. And
          Mable. That's all of us.
          We see the picture, and it is everybody holding hands.

          

          

          

          

          118.

          INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

          George and Ira are walking around a very small bookstore.

          GEORGE
          This is a small bookstore. They've
          only got one Philip Roth book.
          Didn't he write like fifty books?

          IRA
          So when are we going to go home?
          You're not talking at all about
          when we're going to go home.

          GEORGE
          She's going to talk to Clarke
          tonight, and then she's going to
          make a plan. We've got to get over
          that hurdle.

          IRA
          Are you okay with everything? This
          is happening pretty fast.

          GEORGE
          This is exactly what I wanted.

          IRA
          Okay.

          GEORGE
          I mean, she's cool, right?

          IRA
          She's nice. I don't really know
          her very well.

          GEORGE
          She was kind of cooler when I knew
          her back in the day. She's still
          hot, but she was crazy hot back
          then. Her attitude has changed a
          bit. With the kids and all. Back
          then she was really sexy, and all
          about fucking. I know she's busy
          with her life now, but it is a
          little different.

          IRA
          Yeah, well when you have two kids
          and a husband, and horses and
          ducks, it's not all about fucking.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          119,

          IRA (CONT'D)
          That's just the hormones of youth.
          I'm all about fucking. But I don't
          expect to be when I get older.
          I'll be occasionally about fucking,
          which is normal. The fact that
          you're all about fucking now is the
          weird thing.

          GEORGE
          Well hopefully everything will work
          out. If it doesn't, it just wasn't
          meant to be.

          IRA
          What does that mean?

          GEORGE
          It means I'm going to give it a
          shot. I'm excited, but I'm not
          going to really know if it works
          until we're in it. I hope I'm just
          not in love with the person she
          used to be.

          IRA
          She's about to leave her husband
          for good. She has two kids.
          You're not sure this is going to
          work?

          GEORGE
          There's no way to ever be sure that
          anything's going to work! I
          couldn't live up here. She wants
          me to live up here. I don't think
          I can do it. Maybe a couple of
          weeks a year.

          IRA
          Well, she'll live with you.

          GEORGE
          Do you think she means that she's
          going to bring the kids too?

          IRA
          Of course. What else would she do?

          GEORGE
          I don't know, don't some men get
          custody of the kids? Or they split
          the custody? I like the kids, but
          I've never lived with kids before.

          (MORE)

          

          

          

          

          120.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          The young one's kind of cute, but I
          don't think I can stand the old one
          full time. There's too much going
          on there. But I could definitely
          tolerate the young one. She's
          cute. Maybe they can split kids.
          Maybe Clarke will take the annoying
          one.
          Ira just stares at him, not sure what to do.

          EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          George kisses Laura, and then she gets in her car.

          LAURA
          I'll be back in an hour and a half,
          tops. And then it all begins.

          GEORGE
          Okay, call me if you need any
          backup.

          LAURA
          I love you.

          GEORGE
           (really uncomfortable)
          I.. . love you.
          The car drives off.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          Ira is on the floor with the kids. He watches the headlights
          of Laura's car disappear down the driveway.
          George walks back into the room.

          GEORGE
          Okay, I'm going to go into the
          other room and watch some TV.

          IRA
          You don't want to hang with the
          kids?

          GEORGE
          Nah, I was going to watch four
          hockey games at once. I've never
          done that.

          

          

          

          

          121.

          IRA
          okay, but I've got to run out and
          grab some cigarettes.

          GEORGE
          But you don't smoke.

          IRA
          I never smoked in front of you
          because you were sick. But I do.

          INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT

          Ira drives in a panic.

          IRA
          Holy shit, holy shit. Where's the
          fucking airport around here?
          Ira tries to figure out how to work the navigation system in
          a panic. He can't make it work.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          George is watching the kids. He is not good with them, so it
          is very weird.

          INGRID (O.S.)
          George! Help!
          George jumps up and runs to her. She is in the bathroom
          sitting on the toilet.

          INGRID (CONT'D)
          Can you wipe my butt?

          GEORGE
          Don't you know how to do it?

          INGRID
          I don't do it good.

          GEORGE

          (RELUCTANTLY)
          Okay.

          INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT

          Ira is still messing with the navigation system. He finally
          gets frustrated and punches it.

          

          

          

          

          12-) .
          Ira yells to someone on the street.

          IRA
          How do you get to the fucking
          airport?!

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          George calls Ira, gets voice mail.

          GEORGE
          Where are you, where are you? You
          have to come back here. I need
          your help. I don't know how to do
          this.
          He walks back to where the kids are. They are watching tv.
          All around the room are family pictures. He is beginning to
          feel bad about what is happening.

          INT./EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

          Laura gets to check-in, looks around. She does not see
          Clarke.

          INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          George is sitting at the kitchen table. Mable walks over.

          MABLE
          I think my mom and dad are getting
          a divorce. I don't want my parents
          to get divorced. All my friends'
          parents are divorced, and they're
          not happy.

          GEORGE
          Why would you say that?

          MABLE
          I heard my mom talking to her
          friend. I listened through the
          wall. She was looking for a lawyer.
          He cheated on her. What does
          cheating mean? That he's going to
          marry someone else? Why don't they
          just try harder?

          

          

          

          

          123.

          INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

          Laura looks for Clarke at the news stand.

          INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          George is on the phone.

          GEORGE
          Laura, it's George. Come back to
          the house. Maybe you shouldn't do
          it. Maybe it's too early for this.
          Call the house.

          INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

          Laura walks into the airport lounge. She sees Clarke. She
          looks at him for a moment, then heads over to him with
          determination.

          EXT./INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

          Ira parks in the no-standing zone. He gets out and starts
          walking into the airport. His phone rings, he answers. It's
          George.

          GEORGE (V.0.)
          Where are you?

          IRA
          I'm getting cigarettes.

          GEORGE (V.0.)
          You've been gone for forty minutes.

          IRA
          I got lost. I don't know this
          town.

          GEORGE (V.O.)
          Well come back. I don't know how
          to take care of these kids, I'm not
          a camp counselor like you. These
          kids are on to me. The older one's
          too intense. She's troubled.
          She's like Damien, from the Omen.
          I need help.

          

          

          

          

          124.

          IRA
          Ok, I'll hurry back.

          INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

          Ira runs around the airport, looking for Laura and Clarke.

          INT. AIRPORT - FIRST CLASS LOUNGE - NIGHT

          Laura is talking to Clarke, emotional. Clarke is crying.

          CLARKS
          I'm so sorry. This only happened
          because of me. It's all my fault.
          I made you feel terrible. I made
          you feel unsafe in our
          relationship. I'm so sorry.
          Please forgive me.
          Ira stands there, staring at them.

          LAURA
          I'm sorry too. I love you so much.
          It was just a flirtation. It never
          went anywhere. It's just after you
          cheated on me, I felt so alone.
          And you were gone so often that I
          felt like our life doesn't work.

          CLARKE
          Then I have to make a change. I'll
          stop most of the traveling.
          There's nothing more important than
          you and the kids.
          Ira starts to turn to sneak away. Clarke sees him.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          Ira! What's going on? What are
          you doing here?

          IRA
          Oh, I'm just headed back to Los
          Angeles. I've got some spots at
          the Improv I've got to do this
          weekend.

          LAURA
          (under her breath)
          Oh, fuck.

          

          

          

          

          12-5.

          CLARKE
          You're headed back to Los Angeles?
          Then why are you at the
          International terminal?

          IRA
          This is the International terminal?
          I'm so confused, I've never been to
          this airport before.

          CLARKE
          Yeah, this is the Air China First
          Class Lounge.
          REVEAL that everyone else in the lounge is Chinese.

           CLARKE (COIN' D )
          What the fuck is going on? What
          the fuck is going on, Laura?

          LAURA
          I don't know what to say.

          CLARKE
          Tel- me the truth ! Just tell me
          the tri.t_h.;_

          LAURA
          I came here to tell you that I
          wanted you to move out when you
          came home. But I realized this was
          a mistake, so I didn't say it.
          Please don't hold that against me.
          We've worked everything out.
          Everything is fine.

          CLARKE
          Who's watching the kids? Who's
          watching the fucking kids?

          IRA
          An adult is watching them.

          CLARKE
          Is George watching our fucking
          kids? I will kill him.
          Clarke runs off.

          IRA
          What the hell happened?

          

          

          

          

          12 6

          LAURA
          Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck
          out of my life! You and George
          have to get the fuck out of my
          life. You are ruining everything!

          IRA
          Uh oh.
          Ira runs out of the lounge. Laura runs out also.

          INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          George with the kids. Oblivious to what is happening.

          EXT. AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER

          Ira comes back out, his car is about to be towed.

          IRA
          No, no, no! I'm here. I'm here.

          INT./EXT. CLARKE'S CAR

          Clarke drives home, pissed off.

          INT./EXT. LAURA'S SUV

          Laura drives home, quickly.

          INT. IRA'S CAR

          Ira drives, in a panic, on his cell phone. The phone goes
          through to George's voice mail.

          IRA
          George! Clarke is coming back to
          the house. He knows everything!
          I'm coming to get you. Be at the
          end of the driveway. No! Be at
          the next driveway over! To the
          north!

          EXT./INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT

          Clarke arrives at the house. He sees George sitting with
          the kids.

          

          

          

          

          CLARKE
          (angry-to Mable and

          INGRID)
          Can you take it into the family fun
          room?

          MABLE
          Are you two going to fight?

          CLARKE
          Ye s.

          EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          George and Clarke walk outside. Clarke puts up his fists,
          ready to fight.

          GEORGE
          She's not happy.
          Clarke punches George in the face then kicks him martial arts
          style.

          CLARKE
          No one who's married is fucking
          happy. Leave us alone! You fucked
          up. You fucked it up with her a
          long time ago. Let it go or I will
          kill you. I will literally kill
          you till you're fucking dead. That
          disease didn't kill you. But I
          will kill you.

          GEORGE
          You shouldn't joke about my
          disease. That was very serious.
          Very scary.
          Clarke punches him several times, but they are more like
          martial arts hits.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          What the hell is that?
          Ira arrives. George starts yelling at Ira.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Don't jump in. Whatever you do,
          don't jump in. I don't want your
          help!

          

          

          

          

          128.

          IRA
          Okay.

          GEORGE
          You said you were getting
          cigarettes then you ran to the
          airport to stop her. What kind of
          friend are you?

          IRA
          I am a good friend because this
          entire situation is crazy. You are
          out of control.

          GEORGE
          I didn't deserve what you did to
          me. You betrayed me !

          IRA
          When I got there, she was already
          kissing him. I never even had a
          chance to stop it. I didn't get to
          do anything!

          CLARKE
          Don't pretend you're fucking mad at
          each other, just to distract me so
          I won't beat your ass.
          Clarke pushes George.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          You're gonna come to my house?
          You're gonna come to my fucking
          house? You have to get your own
          life. Leave us the fuck alone.

          GEORGE
          Don't hit me! I've been sick!
          They don't know. The medicine is
          working now, but I'm still sick.
          Clarke punches George.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          (to Ira)
          What are you doing? I said to jump
          in!

          IRA
          You told me not to jump in.

          

          

          

          

          129.

          GEORGE
          That's what "don't jump in" means.
          It means "jump in." Help me!
          Ira steps in. Clarke hits him hard, then kicks him.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          You're a terrible fighter.

          IRA
          I know, that's why I became a
          comedian, because everyone used to
          beat me up!
          George runs at Clarke who cracks him in the head hard,
          sending him to the floor. Then Ira takes a run at him and
          Clarke kicks Ira in the face twice, with both feet.
          Laura runs into the middle of the scene.

          GEORGE
          Laura, tell Clarke to stop!

          LAURA
          Clarke, please don't do this.

          CLARKE
          Don't tell me what I can and can
          not do.

          GEORGE
          Laura, tell him. Tell him you want
          to be with me now.
          Laura doesn't answer.

          GEORGE (CONT'D)
          Laura?

          LAURA
          Why did you have to come here and
          confuse me? Everything was fine
          before you came here. Now
          everything is all screwed up.

          GEORGE
          Laura, what's it going to be? Are
          you going with him, or are you
          going with me?
          Laura looks at Clarke.

          

          

          

          

          130.

          LAURA
          With him.

          GEORGE
          Don't do this.

          LAURA
          You fucked up my life. And now I
          fucked up yours. But just a
          little. Probably just for a day.
          She walks back into the house.

          CLARKE
          Hit the road before I put you
          through another round.

          GEORGE
          You cheated on her too!

          CLARKE
          Yeah, but we're married. We're
          going to work through this shit.
          You should have waited until you
          were married to cheat. It buys
          you another chance.
          Clarke punches George. Ira is on the ground. He doesn't get
          up.

          GEORGE
          She told me I was the love of her
          life. And she loves me more than
          she loves you!

          CLARKE
          When she said that, did she think
          you were dying?

          GEORGE
          Yeah!

          CLARKE
          Too bad you had to 'Live and find
          out it wasn't true. Leave my
          fucking family alone!
          Clarke punches him. George gets a punch in but it doesn't
          hurt Clarke. Clarke punches him again.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          I can do this all night.

          

          

          

          

          131.
          Clarke hits George again. Ira leaps on Clarke and now all
          three are on the ground rolling around, arms flailing.

          GEORGE
          (to Ira)
          Stop Ira, you're hitting me too.
          Mable and Ingrid appear outside.

          MABLE
          What are you guys doing?

          INGRID
          What's happening?
          The three look at the kids and instantly feel awful.

          IRA
          We're just playing that's all.

          GEORGE
          We're wrestling. It's fun.

          CLARKS
          Boys like to wrestle just like
          girls.
          They all start wrestling some more, but this time it is fake
          playful. They give each other noogies, and tickle each other
          so the kids won't be scared.
          A little blood runs off of George's face.

          INGRID
          Are you bleeding?

          GEORGE
          No. We were just painting. I got
          some paint on my cheek.

          CLARKE
          Come on girls. Let's go inside.
          Mable and Ingrid run inside. Clarke turns to George.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          You know what sucks about this? I
          like your movies and now I can't
          watch them anymore.
          Clarke walks away, then walks back.

          

          

          

          

          132.

          CLARKE (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry. That was mean. Through
          ail of this, I want you to know
          something. I'm glad that you're
          not sick, and I understand. And I
          forgive you.
          Clarke goes inside.

          IRA
          That was meaner than him punching
          you. That is a demented
          motherfucker.
          George punches Ira in the face. Ira fires back two punches
          at George's face and he stumbles back.

          GEORGE
          None of you fuckers can hurt me.
          George pauses, then leaps onto Ira and they roll on the
          ground for a moment. Ira makes his-way free and gets up.

          IRA
          Get the hell off of me you psycho.

          GEORGE
          Drive me home.

          IRA
          No.

          GEORGE
          How are you gonna get home then?

          IRA
          Fine.

          INT. CAR - NIGHT

          They drive in silence for a moment.

          IRA
          You are the most self involved
          person I have ever met.

          GEORGE
          Oh yeah?

          

          

          

          

          133.

          IRA
          No matter what the situation, no
          matter how many laughs or how many
          women you get you will never be
          happy. You're always going to be
          miserable. You are a bottomless
          pit. A bottomless wound.

          GEORGE
          What about you? You are just a
          lackey. Who are you to judge me?
          You tried to screw me over, after
          all I. have done for you.

          IRA
          I am not responsible for you. You
          wanted me to sit back and destroy
          this woman's life? Help you cheat
          on her? You put me in a terrible
          position. I don't give a fuck, go
          fuck yourself.

          GEORGE
          Lacky.

          IRA
          You made me the tacky? I'm not a
          lacky, it's a job.

          GEORGE
          It's not a job, you're a tacky.
          You're not even that fucking funny.
          This gets Ira very mad.

          IRA
          Who cares? If being funny means
          being like you, I rather be a
          little less funny.

          GEORGE
          Mission accomplished.

          IRA
          You're the only person I know who
          learned nothing from a near-death
          experience! You actually went
          backwards. All it did was it
          brought out what a prick you are,
          brought everything bad to the
          surface. I liked you better when I
          was sure you were gonna die.

          

          

          

          

          134.

          GEORGE
          I'm not going anywhere!

          IRA
          Everything is about you. You don't
          even know where I live. You've
          never asked me one question about
          my life. How much can one person
          talk about himself ? You never ask
          me shit about anything!

          GEORGE
          Who are you to fucking judge
          anyone? You're not my friend, you
          just want my money. You just want
          to get your foot in the door.

          IRA
          Fuck your money. Fuck you. This
          has all been a huge mistake.

          GEORGE
          Wake me when we get home.
          George climbs in the back seat and tries to go to bed.

          INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT

          Music up: Ted Hawkins' song "Strange Conversation."
          Ira drives George home in the dark. Neither one speaks.
          We see images of different cities going by the window. Ira
          thinks about all he's been through and the challenges ahead,

          EXT. GUYS' APARTMENT

          Ira pulls up to his apartment.

          IRA
          okay, I'm getting out. You have to
          drive yourself home. I'm getting
          out here.

          GEORGE
          Why didn't you drive me to my
          house?

          IRA
          Because then I'd still have your
          car.

          

          

          

          

          135.

          GEORGE
          You'll drop it off later.

          IRA
          There is no later! I'm not going
          to ever talk to you again. So I
          don't want your car.

          GEORGE
          So that's how it's going to be.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE

          George enters. There is an enormous pile of stuff to do on
          his dining room table. Several stacks of scripts. One pile
          has a big post-it note that says: "READ THESE!"

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE

          George lies alone in bed, alone. Eyes wide open. It's
          really bright in his room.
          George hits a button. The shades automatically close. The
          room goes dark.
          Now he's in the dark with his eyes open. He turns on the TV
          to go to sleep. It's the Today show. It's really happy and
          morning-themed. The piece on the Today show is very suburban.
          "How to Clean Up Clutter."

          ANCHORWOMAN (ON TV)
          You know, when you've got a big
          family, and you've got a lot of
          clutter...

          INT. GUYS' APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Ira is talking to Leo.

          LEO
          We rented out your room to Jay.
          But you can crash on the couch if
          you want.

          IRA
          Oh man, you got jerked off on that
          couch.

          

          

          

          

          136.

          JONAH
          I fucking didn't cum on the couch.
          Just sleep on it for a month, and
          then we'll find some excuse to boot
          Jay out.

          IRA
          Thanks. I'm sorry, I lost my way
          for a while.

          INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE

          George reads one from a large pack of scripts. A few pages
          in, he clearly doesn't like it. He puts it down, picks up
          another one.
          The large stack is clearly the ones he doesn't like.

          INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

          Ira writes at a table.

          EXT. STORE - DAY

          George walks out of a store. A beautiful woman tries to chat
          him up, but he lets her know he i.s"busy and has to go. He
          walks off. She looks disappointed.

          INT. BAR - NIGHT

          Ira talks to Daisy. They seem to be getting along well.

          INT. IMPROVISATION - DAY

          Daisy is performing on stage. She gets off and heads over to
          Ira.

          I HA
          That was great.
          She kisses him.

          DAISY
          Thanks.
          The MANAGER walks over.

          

          

          

          

          13,.

          MANAGER
          Hey Ira, Federman got in a car
          accident. Do you want to take his
          spot?
          George walks over with a young comedian of about Ira's age.
          This young man has clearly taken his place.

          GEORGE
          Hey, how's it going?

          IRA
          Hey George.

          GEORGE
          This is Randy. He's funny, you'd
          like his stuff. It's smart.

          IRA
          I'm sure I would. I look forward
          to seeing it. Are you going on
          tonight?

          RANDY
          I hope so.

          MANAGER
          (to George)
          Do you want to go up? Ira was
          gonna take Federman's spot, but we
          can get you up if you want to?

          GEORGE
          No, that's ok. I don't want to
          take Ira's spot. I'm just gonna
          hang out tonight.

          INT. IMPROVISATION - MOMENTS LATER

          Ira is introduced. He walks onto the stage. We see George
          walk to the very back corner of the club and sit down at a
          table by himself.
          On stage Ira does his act. He is much more comfortable than
          we have ever seen him on stage before. He is no longer
          searching for his comic identity. He has found a way to be
          himself on stage, and tells jokes which are more personal
          than we have seen before.
          Not everything kills, but when something eats it he does not
          seem thrown. Sometimes he seems amused.

          

          

          

          

          138.

          ANGLE ON GEORGE
          He watches from the back of the room. At first he does not
          laugh, but then slowly starts laughing--but more at the
          things Ira does in between jokes. We can tell that he is
          proud of Ira and misses him.

          INT. SUPERMARKET -- DAY

          Ira is back behind the counter, working at the Deli with
          Chuck and Gail. He doesn't look too unhappy to be there.

          FEMALE CUSTOMER
          Is the potato salad fresh?

          IRA
          I made it myself this morning.

          FEMALE CUSTOMER
          Is it good?

          IRA
          I stake my reputation on it.

          FEMALE CUSTOMER
          Okay. Give me a quart.

          IRA
          Mrs. Gail, this fine woman would
          like a quarf'of potato salad.
          The woman moves to the other side of the counter. We reveal
          George standing there, holding his ticket.

          GEORGE
          Do you have any turkey that's
          hormone-free?

          IRA
          Yes we do.

          GEORGE
          So this is where you work.

          IRA
          Back in the saddle.

          GEORGE
          I thought we were writing a
          screenplay.

          

          

          

          

          139.

          IRA
          Well, you're not a very good
          writing partner.

          GEORGE
          Or any kind of partner. You want
          to make me a turkey sandwich and
          talk to me? They give you breaks
          around here?

          INT. SUPERMARKET - MOMENTS LATER

          There is a small seating area in the supermarket where people
          eat food at the deli counter. George and Ira sit across from
          each other.

          GEORGE
          In my travels, I have learned a lot
          about Asia and Buddhism. And I
          would like to be in the moment now
          with you, and to tell you how sorry
          I am, and how much I have
          appreciated your friendship. And
          even if we are not friends in the
          future, I wish you well on your
          journey.
          Ira laughs.

          IRA
          That guy was a douche-bag.

          GEORGE
          But also kind of cool. It's a very
          weird combination.

          IRA
          He was going to heal you with those
          herbs, man. You get sick again,
          you should call that guy.

          GEORGE
          I think most of what you said to me
          was true. And I really am sorry.
          I think I'm still not very
          healthy...in my brain.

          IRA
          It's all right, man. You've been
          through a lot.

          

          

          

          

          14 0 .

          GEORGE
          Well, I appreciate you trying to
          help me. Even though it was kind
          of an impossible task.

          IRA
          Is everything going okay? How are
          you doing?

          GEORGE
          I am not doing well, but things
          have certainly been worse. So, I
          will be fine.

          (THEN)
          You were good the other night. I
          hear you're getting regular spots
          now.

          IRA
          I'm actually going up tonight.

          GEORGE
          Really? Any new jokes you're
          working on?

          IRA
          Yeah, I've been trying to get off
          my ass and do some writing.

          GEORGE
          What do you got?
          Ira is surprised to hear him ask this, since he has never
          asked this before.

          IRA
          I was thinking about doing a bit
          about how I'm not very good
          looking, but I'm not bad looking,
          but I'm just good-looking enough
          that if I had a good personality,
          it might put me over the top.

          GEORGE
          You should do something about how,
          when you date a girl, and you feel
          really good and she likes you, and
          then you see pictures of all her ex-
          boyfriends, and they're all really
          goofy-looking guys, and it's not
          that you're good looking, it's just
          that in this psychotic girl's eyes,
          you're good looking?

          

          

          

          

          141,

          IRA
          And how all of her boyfriends look
          like Lou Costello.

          GEORGE
          Why don't you say Dom Deluise?
          it's a more current reference.

          IRA
          More current? What year was
          Cannonball Run, 1978?

          GEORGE
          Okay, okay. What else you got?

          IRA
          I was going to talk about how I
          haven't had sex in so long, that I
          can't even remember my previous
          sexual experiences so I can
          masturbate to them.

          GEORGE
          You should say, now when I
          masturbate, I have to think about
          the last time I masturbated.

          IRA
          That's a good one. You can write.

          GEORGE
          You know, I always wanted to be
          part of the comedy field.
          As the camera pulls back, George continues to pitch Ira jokes
          for his act, the first selfless act we've seen him commit in
          the entire film. As their friendship rekindles, we...




                                  THE END