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Ghost World Movie Script

Writer(s) : Daniel Clowes, Terry Zwigoff

Genres : Comedy, Drama

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                                      "GHOST WORLD"

                                            by

                                      DANIEL CLOWES

                                           and

                                      TERRY ZWIGOFF

                

               OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE - EVENING

               We MOVE through the city in a series of brief shots that 
               define and establish our setting, from commercial district 
               to residential neighborhood. Eventually we find ourselves 
               moving down a street of two-story apartment buildings. Many 
               of the windows are lit from within by an EERIE BLUE LIGHT. 
               As we track past at window-level we see:

               A glum, sedated-looking COUPLE watching TV. An ignored TODDLER 
               runs amok behind them as a cheery commercial plays..

               An empty room...

               A large, hirsute MAN, wearing only Lycra jogging shorts, 
               watching the Home Shopping Network while eating mashed 
               potatoes with his fingers...

               A dazed old woman staring out the window.

               The silhouette of a TEENAGE GIRL dancing by herself.

               We enter her room and see the TV SCREEN. The source of the 
               THEME MUSIC is A VIDEO of an insane East Indian production 
               number from the 1960's. The room is cluttered with heaps of 
               clothes, old records, odd knick-knacks. We see her silhouetted 
               back as she dances along to the video while trying on a 
               GRADUATION CAP AND GOWN.

               EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION - AFTERNOON NEXT DAY.

               A modern high school auditorium. Over the entrance a banner 
               with a "Coca Cola" logo reads: "GRADUATION TODAY 2 PM."

               INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SAME DAY

               A graduation ceremony is in progress. We DOLLY PAST the bland 
               faces of teary-eyed graduates until we stop on ENID. At first, 
               we only see the top of her mortarboard; as she lifts her 
               head we see that she's trying desperately not to laugh.

               She makes eye-contact with REBECCA, another graduate, who is 
               also trying to stifle her laughter. The SPEAKER is in an 
               elaborate wheelchair with severe-looking traction devices.

                                     SPEAKER
                         High school is like the training 
                         wheels for the bicycle of real life.  
                         It is a time for young people to 
                         explore different fields of interest 
                         and to hopefully grow from their 
                         experiences.  After all, that which 
                         we learn from our mistakes can be as 
                         valuable as what we learn from our 
                         textbooks, and often we can turn the 
                         negative experiences that are common 
                         to all high-schoolers into positive 
                         steps toward personal growth and 
                         achievement. In coming to terms with 
                         my own personal setback, which I'm 
                         sure you've all heard about, I've 
                         been able to learn a lot about myself. 
                         I've learned for one thing that I 
                         don't need to rely on drugs and 
                         alcohol
                              (APPLAUSE)
                         and that I'm very lucky-that more 
                         people besides Carrie and myself 
                         weren't hurt in the accident; I've 
                         learned that I'm blessed with 
                         wonderful parents, teachers and above 
                         all the best classmates in the world -- 
                         I love each and every one of you 
                         guys!!
                              (APPLAUSE)
                         and I've learned that to get through 
                         life's obstacles you need faith, 
                         hope and, most of all, a sense of 
                         humor.
                              (BIG APPLAUSE)

               A trio of TEENAGE GIRLS (one white, one Asian, one black) 
               come running out from the wings and start dancing and rapping. 
               The audience loves them.

                                     EBONY
                         No more eduCATION...

                                     VANILLA
                         It's time for celeBRATION...

                                     JADE
                         'cause this is the day of our high 
                         school GraduATION...

                                     EBONY
                         We've stayed for the durATION...

                                     VANILLA
                         Achieved matricuLATION...

                                     JADE
                         Now we're the newest members of the 
                         general popuLATION...

               EXT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATE AFTERNOON

               The auditorium door opens and GRADUATES emerge. Enid & Rebecca 
               run away from the crowd, triumphantly holding rolled up 
               diplomas. They run toward the school playground, nearly 
               bursting with excitement over their long-awaited release.

               Enid stops and looks back at the school. She gives it THE 
               FINGER. They sit on a see-saw, out of breath.

                                     ENID
                         God, what a bunch of retards...

                                     REBECCA
                         I thought Chipmunk-face was never 
                         going to shut up.

                                     ENID
                         I know, I liked her better when she 
                         was an alcoholic crack addict! She 
                         gets in one car wreck and all of a 
                         sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and 
                         everybody loves her.

                                     REBECCA
                         It's totally sickening.
                              (she unrolls her 
                              DIPLOMA)
                         Let's see if they gave me the right 
                         diploma...

               Enid opens hers. Instead of a diploma, it's an OFFICIAL 
               LOOKING DOCUMENT with a pink Post-It note on the front page.

                                     ENID
                         What?... Oh suck my fucking dick!

                                     REBECCA
                         What?

                                     ENID
                         These assholes are saying that I 
                         have to go to Summer school and take 
                         some stupid art class!

                                     REBECCA
                         Why?

                                     ENID
                         Remember that stupid hippie art 
                         teacher who failed me sophomore year?  
                         I didn't think that just because you 
                         get an "F" that means you have to 
                         take the class over again.

                                     REBECCA
                         You loser.

               EXT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING

               The sign reads "Welcome Graduates".

               INT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING

               Party in progress in the "Gold Room". A band plays TOP-40 
               "lite" rock

                                     REBECCA
                              (watching band)
                         This is so bad, it's almost good.

                                     ENID
                         This is so bad it's gone past good 
                         and back to bad again...

               CLOSE-UP ON ENID, we see the party from her POV: The six or 
               seven MOST POPULAR STUDENTS huddle closely together.

                                     ENID
                         Just think, we'll never have to see 
                         any of these creepy faces ever again.

                                     REBECCA
                         Unless they're in your Summer school 
                         class!

                                     ENID
                         Shut up!

                                     REBECCA
                         Uh oh... don't turn around...

                                     ENID
                         What? Why?

                                     REBECCA
                         Forget it...

               MELORRA, an ambitious, incessantly upbeat classmate, 
               approaches them.

                                     MELORRA
                         Oh my God, you guys! I can't believe 
                         we made it!

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, we graduated high school -- 
                         how totally amazing.

                                     MELORRA
                         So what are you guys doing this 
                         Summer?

                                     ENID
                         Nothing.

                                     MELORRA
                         I'm going to be in this actor's 
                         workshop, and I'm hoping to start 
                         going on auditions soon. I'm so 
                         excited to finally have some free 
                         time. We have to get together this 
                         summer!

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah, that'll definitely happen...

                                     MELORRA
                              (spotting better people 
                              to talk to)
                         Well, bye you guys... CONGRATULATIONS!

               Melorra leaves.

                                     ENID
                         Since when is she an "actress"?

                                     REBECCA
                         I know, she needs to die immediately.

               TODD, a friendly but slightly below-average-looking guy, 
               approaches from behind.

                                     TODD
                         Hey Rebecca!

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh... hi...

                                     TODD
                              (pause)
                         So... we finally --

                                     ENID
                         What about me? Am I not even here?

                                     TODD
                         Oh, hey Enid...
                              (starting over)
                         So... we finally made it!

                                     REBECCA
                         Yep.

                                     TODD
                              (awkward pause)
                         So... where are you going to college?

                                     ENID
                              (before Rebecca can 
                              answer)
                         We're not.

                                     TODD
                         Really? Both of you?... Why not?

                                     ENID
                         Just because.

                                     REBECCA
                         We have other plans.

                                     TODD
                         I guess I should have figured that 
                         you two would do something different.

                                     ENID
                         What are you going to be when you 
                         grow up, Todd?

                                     TODD
                         Well I'm going to major in Business 
                         Administration and, I think, minor 
                         in Communications.

                                     ENID
                         See, that's exactly the kind of thing 
                         we're trying to avoid.
                              (pause)

               Todd starts to talk again but Enid has noticed something off 
               to the side.

                                     TODD
                         So... I --

               Enid grabs Rebecca and turns her away from Todd before he 
               can finish his sentence.

                                     ENID
                         Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler 
                         going out with Rod Harbaugh?

                                     REBECCA
                         How perfect.

                                     ENID
                         He better watch out or he'll get 
                         AIDS when he date-rapes her.

               Todd, forgotten, walks away. The singer wails a sappy, maudlin 
               ballad. Enid spots DENNIS, the class loser, wandering around 
               by himself.

                                     ENID
                         God, just think, we'll never see 
                         Dennis again.

                                     REBECCA
                         Good.

                                     ENID
                         God, think about that... that's 
                         actually totally depressing.

               INT. THE QUALITY CAFE - DAY

               The QUALITY CAFE is Enid and Rebecca' s hangout. A 50-ISH 
               MAN with shaved head, and his VAGUELY DIABOLICAL WIFE sit 
               eating lunch. Enid is drawing a picture of them in her 
               sketchbook when Rebecca arrives.

                                     REBECCA
                         Hi.

                                     ENID
                         Look at these people behind you.  
                         I'm totally convinced they're 
                         Satanists.

                                     REBECCA
                         Why?

                                     ENID
                         Just look at them!

               REBECCA turns and makes eye contact with MR. SATANIST. She 
               calmly turns back to face Enid before cracking up.

                                     REBECCA
                         So, when are we going to start looking 
                         for our apartment?

                                     ENID
                         Soon... I have to wait and see how 
                         this Summer class goes.

                                     REBECCA
                         Did you sign up yet?

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, I just picked the one that 
                         sounded the easiest.

                                     REBECCA
                         God, it's so weird that we're finally 
                         out of high school... We've been 
                         waiting for this our whole life! Now 
                         we can get our own apartment and do 
                         anything we want.  It's such a weird 
                         feeling.

                                     ENID
                         I know, it hasn't really hit me yet.

               Enter JOHN ELLIS, an obnoxious young man with a perpetual 
               smirk.

                                     JOHN
                         Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca, 
                         the little Jewish girl and her Aryan 
                         friend.

                                     ENID
                         You're late, asshole.

                                     JOHN
                         Fine, and how are you?

                                     ENID
                         Did you bring that tape?

               He puts a videotape on the table, just out of reach.

                                     JOHN
                         You never paid me for that tape with 
                         the Indian dance routine.

                                     ENID
                         I did too!

                                     JOHN
                         Tsk! You Jews are so clever with 
                         money...

                                     ENID
                         Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick!

                                     REBECCA
                         Hey, look, the satanists are leaving!

                                     ENID
                         We should follow them!

               As the SATANISTS walk outside, they open umbrellas, even 
               though it's a bright, sunny day.

                                     REBECCA
                         Totally... Oh my God, look!

               The girls get up to follow them. Enid grabs the videotape.

                                     ENID
                              (to John)
                         Thanks for the tape - I'll have to 
                         pay you later, I'm broke.

                                     JOHN
                         Hey, where are you going?

                                     ENID
                         Later, "Dude".

                                     REBECCA
                         Much later.

                                     ENID
                         In fact, never.

               EXT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY

               Under harsh, glaring sunshine, the girls follow a half-block 
               behind the SATANISTS.

                                     REBECCA
                         What do you do if you're a satanist, 
                         anyway?

                                     ENID
                         You know, sacrifice virgins and 
                         stuff...

                                     REBECCA
                         That lets us off the hook.

               EXT. ACROSS FROM WOWSVILLE - TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED

               The SATANISTS continue slowly along with Enid & Rebecca still 
               following.

                                     ENID
                         Maybe there's some weird secret 
                         satanic society that meets at the 
                         Quality Cafe and all of the other 
                         regular customers are in on it except 
                         for us.

                                     REBECCA
                         Or maybe not.

                                     ENID
                         Maybe they're slowly poisoning us or 
                         they're planning to brainwash us and --

                                     REBECCA
                         Okay, okay!

               EXT. WOWSVILLE DINER - CONTINUOUS

                                     ENID
                         Hey, look at this...

               Enid points at the mini-mall in front of them. A new 
               restaurant - we see their banner: "GRAND OPENING. WOWSVILLE - 
               THE AUTHENTIC 50'S DINER".

                                     ENID
                         "Authentic 50's diner"? Since when 
                         were there mini-malls in the 1950's?

                                     REBECCA
                         God, it's so totally pathetic.

               INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - DAY

               They're in a booth looking at menus. It's a less accurate 
               version of "Johnny Rockets". A golden oldie from the 80's 
               plays on the jukebox.

                                     REBECCA
                         Who can forget this great hit from 
                         the 50's?

                                     ENID
                         I feel as though I've stepped into a 
                         time warp!

               The WAITER approaches. He has an ostentatious 70's-style 
               perm.

                                     REBECCA
                         Check out the awesome "fifties" hairdo 
                         on the waiter.

                                     WAITER
                         Hi, my name is Allen, and I'll be 
                         your waiter this afternoon.

                                     ENID
                         Hi, Al!

                                     REBECCA
                         Can we call you "Weird Al"?

                                     WAITER
                         Heh heh. Our specials today are pasta 
                         Vasilio, which is a pasta salad with 
                         a light basil vinaigrette--

                                     ENID
                         That was a popular dish in the 50's, 
                         huh Weird Al?

                                     AL
                         I imagine so! Also, we have a spinach 
                         tortellini in a ricotta sauce. Both 
                         of those are $6.95... shall I give 
                         you a few minutes to mull it over?

                                     ENID
                         I just want an order of onion rings.

                                     REBECCA
                         I might actually get the pasta 
                         special.

                                     ENID
                         You loser!

                                     AL
                         Pasta special and an order of onion 
                         rings. Very good.

               Al leaves.

                                     ENID
                         Did you notice all those weird things 
                         on the menu? Like "The Salad 
                         Explosion"?

                                     REBECCA
                         I know... and instead of "dessert" 
                         it says "Mindbenders."

                                     ENID
                         What does that even mean?

               INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - TEN MINUTES LATER

               Enid spots an abandoned newspaper, THE FREE WEEKLY, on the 
               adjoining table.

                                     REBECCA
                         Check out the Personals... maybe our 
                         future husbands are trying to contact 
                         us.

                                     ENID
                         God, this paper is so boring. Who 
                         reads all this shit?
                              (flips through it 
                              until she gets to 
                              the Personals)
                         Here we go...
                              (reading)
                         "Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ, 
                         maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the 
                         clubs, make each other laugh!"

                                     REBECCA
                         You can have that one.

                                     ENID
                         Okay, well here's yours...
                              (reading)
                         "Who said all the most eligible 
                         bachelors are taken? Not this one!  
                         Stunning bod, very snugglelicious 
                         ocean sunset dreamer."

                                     REBECCA
                         Gross.

               Al returns with their food.

                                     AL
                         Can I get you ladies anything else, 
                         or are you all set?

                                     ENID
                         Later I might be interested in one 
                         of those far-out "mindbenders."

               Al leaves. Enid goes back to the paper.

                                     ENID
                         Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you 
                         remember me? Airport shuttle, June 
                         7th. You: striking redhead with yellow 
                         dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes. 
                         I was the bookish fellow in the green 
                         cardigan who helped you find your 
                         contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we 
                         have a moment?"

                                     REBECCA
                         God, that's so pathetic. I bet she 
                         didn't even notice him.

                                     ENID
                         I know. And he's like psychotically 
                         obsessing over every little detail.

                                     REBECCA
                         We should call him and pretend to be 
                         the redhead.

                                     ENID
                         Oh, we totally have to.

               Enid tears out the ad and puts it in her sketchbook.

               CU of sketchbook.

               INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

               Enid and Rebecca sit with Rebecca's grandmother OOMIE in her 
               living room. They eat TV dinners while watching Oomie's 
               favorite TV SHOW, which we hear but don't see.

                                     NASAL-VOICED GIRL (V.O.)
                         So what happened next, Donna?

                                     DONNA (DUMB BLONDE'S V.O.)
                         Then I told him he'd better take out 
                         his hose and pump me!

                                     NASAL-VOICED GIRL/ANOTHER GIRL (V.O.)
                         Don-na?!

                                     DONNA (V.O.)
                         You guys! My car was out of gas!

               LAUGH TRACK. Enid leans toward Rebecca.

                                     ENID
                              (whispers)
                         Does Oomie really like this show?

                                     REBECCA
                              (whispers)
                         Isn't it weird? It's her favorite.

                                     OOMIE
                         Girls! Shh!

               Enid and Rebecca exit.

               INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING

               Rebecca looks through Enid's sketchbook while Enid fiddles 
               with the remote, fast-forwarding through a tape in the VCR.

                                     REBECCA
                         So what should we do?

                                     ENID
                         Wait... I just want to see what's on 
                         this tape.

                                     REBECCA
                         What is this?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno. John Ellis always puts on 
                         all this sick stuff that I have to 
                         fast-forward past to get to the good 
                         stuff.  There's supposed to be a Don 
                         Knotts movie on here someplace.

               Sound of FAST-FORWARDING. Rebecca glances up from the 
               sketchbook.

                                     REBECCA
                         Wait, what is that?

               Enid stops fast-forwarding. We don't see the screen but we 
               hear weird sounds like BOOTS WALKING THROUGH DEEP MUD.

                                     ENID & REBECCA
                         EEEEWWWW!

               Enid lurches forward to avert her gaze. She clicks off the 
               VCR, but leaves the TV on. She notices a PHOTO ALBUM on a 
               bookshelf under the television.

                                     ENID
                         Hey - why do you have this?

                                     REBECCA
                         You lent it to me in like tenth grade.

                                     ENID
                         I've been looking all over for this.

               ANGLE ON ALBUM as she leafs through it. We see a picture of 
               a FIVE-YEAR-OLD ENID with glasses.

                                     ENID
                         Look at how cute I am!

                                     REBECCA
                         What a little hosebag.

               ANGLE ON PHOTO of ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ENID & REBECCA at a party.

                                     ENID
                         Look, that's back when I hated you.

                                     REBECCA
                         I remember every minute of that party.

                                     ENID
                              (another page)
                         There's my dad with Joanie.

                                     REBECCA
                         I can never keep them all straight - 
                         was she the super-bitch?

                                     ENID
                         No, she was the second wife. The 
                         third one was the super-bitch - 
                         Maxine.
                              (finds a picture)
                         There! Look at her!

               ANGLE ON PHOTO of MAXINE.

                                     ENID
                         What a fucking monster!

               Something on TV catches Rebecca's eye.

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh my God! This is that comedian I 
                         was telling you about! You have to 
                         see this guy -- he's the absolute 
                         worst!

               A dead-pan comedian, JOEY McCOBB, is doing his stand-up 
               routine in a standard brick-wall comedy venue. He has a 
               contrived "I'm a weirdo" shtick.

                                     JOEY
                         Just because I live with my mother 
                         people think I'm peculiar... so what 
                         if she's been dead for fifteen years! 
                         Hehn hehn...
                              (Peter Lorre laugh)

                                     REBECCA (V.O.)
                         God, that's barely even a joke.

                                     JOEY
                         As I always say, take my life... 
                         please!

                                     ENID (V.O.)
                         If he's supposed to be so weird, how 
                         come he's wearing Nikes?

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Joey McCobb, ladies and gentlemen... 
                         Joey McCobb!
                              (APPLAUSE)

                                     ENID
                         Joey McCobb is our God.

                                     REBECCA
                         I want to do him!

                                     ENID
                         I bet! Actually he reminds me of 
                         that one creep you went out with -- 
                         you always go for guys with some 
                         lame, fake shtick.

                                     REBECCA
                         What are you talking about -- who?

                                     ENID
                         That Larry guy -- what look was he 
                         going for? A gay tennis player from 
                         the forties?

                                     REBECCA
                         Fuck you!

               Rebecca turns the page of Enid's sketchbook to the torn-out 
               personal ad.

                                     REBECCA
                         Hey! We forgot to call the loser!

                                     ENID
                         Which loser?

                                     REBECCA
                         You know, the green cardigan guy.

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah.

               Rebecca goes to the phone and offers the receiver.

                                     REBECCA
                         You call.

                                     ENID
                         Why do I always have to do it?

                                     REBECCA
                         You're better at it.

                                     ENID
                              (as she dials)
                         I remember when I first started 
                         reading these I thought DWF stood 
                         for "dwarf!"

                                     REBECCA
                              (ear up to phone)
                         What does it stand for?

                                     ENID
                         Shh, it's his answering machine...
                              (pause)
                         We hear the indistinct traces of a 
                         musical message followed by a faint 
                         BEEP.

                                     ENID
                         Hi, it's me - your "striking blonde." 
                         Of course I remember you.  Let's get 
                         together for lunch sometime... How 
                         about Friday at one o'clock?... Why 
                         don't you meet me at my favorite 
                         restaurant, "Wowsville"... It's in 
                         the mall on Century Parkway... I'll 
                         see you there, darling... and be 
                         sure to wear that sexy green 
                         cardigan...

               As Enid hangs up they both start laughing.

               EXT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

               A franchise convenience store with a western motif.

               INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

               JOSH, 19, is taking his apron off as his BOSS, a humorless 
               Greek immigrant, counts out the cash register. Cheerful Muzak 
               plays.

                                     BOSS
                         AH AH AH! What you think you doing?  
                         You still got five minutes left on 
                         you shift!

               Enid (wearing wraparound shades) & Rebecca enter.

                                     ENID
                         Well hello there, young employee of 
                         the Sidewinder.

                                     JOSH
                         Look, I already told you I'm not 
                         going to give you a ride.

                                     ENID
                         What can you tell me, young man, 
                         about the various flavors of "frozen 
                         yogurt"?

                                     JOSH
                         Look, I'll be done in a minute.  
                         Just wait outside.

                                     ENID
                         I'm afraid I don't understand. I 
                         simply wish to know --

                                     BOSS
                         JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?

                                     JOSH
                              (SIGHS)
                         The flavors we're featuring this 
                         week, in addition to old favorites 
                         chocolate and vanilla, are Six-Gun 
                         Strawberry, Wild Cherry Round-up, 
                         and Ten Gallon Tangerine.

                                     ENID
                         I don't believe I care for any of 
                         those.

               Rebecca giggles. A customer, DOUG, enters: a lowly specimen 
               with bad hair-cut, mustache, and jail-house tattoos, wearing 
               filthy designer jeans and no shirt.

                                     DOUG
                         Hey, Josh... I need two packs of 
                         smokes. I'm on a double shift 
                         tonight... fuckin' sixteen hours, 
                         man.

               Doug brings a 40-ouncer to the counter. Josh has two packs 
               of Newports waiting for him.

                                     DOUG
                         Hey, and gimme six of these beef 
                         jerkys too - I'm hungry enough to 
                         chew the crotch out of a rag doll!

               Doug pays.

                                     BOSS
                         Hey! I told you: No shirt, no service!

                                     DOUG
                              (as he leaves)
                         Fuck you, man!

                                     ENID
                         So Josh...

                                     JOSH
                         Look, can we talk in a minute? I'm 
                         almost done.

               Enid looks at herself in the security mirror. She takes off 
               her hat and messes up her hair. She then takes off her shades 
               and replaces them with her standard horn-rims.

                                     REBECCA
                              (nudging Enid, points 
                              outside)
                         Look at this!

               Outside we see Doug practicing with nunchuks and drinking a 
               beer. Heavy metal music blares from his car radio. The BOSS 
               sees this and goes out to yell at him.

                                     BOSS
                         You get out of here!

               Josh joins Enid & Rebecca on the other side of counter.

                                     ENID
                         That guy rules!

                                     JOSH
                         Who, Doug? He spends more time here 
                         than I do...

                                     ENID
                         So Josh, will you give us a ride?  
                         Please? Pretty please? It's going to 
                         be super fun!

                                     JOSH
                         No.

                                     REBECCA
                         Please Josh?

                                     JOSH
                         Forget it, there's no way... find 
                         some other poor sucker to abuse.

               EXT. JOSH'S CAR - DAY

               Josh is driving, chauffeur-like, with the two girls relaxing 
               in the back seat.

                                     JOSH
                         Why do you even need a ride? You 
                         could walk there in two minutes.

                                     ENID
                         It's just an excuse for us to spend 
                         time with you.

               Enid and Rebecca giggle.

                                     REBECCA
                         So Josh, if this guy freaks out, 
                         will you protect us?

                                     JOSH
                         He has every reason to freak out -- 
                         this is a totally fucked-up thing to 
                         do to somebody!

                                     ENID
                         God, I think Josh is too mature for 
                         us.

                                     REBECCA
                         I know, look at the way he drives... 
                         he's like an old man.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, Josh, c'mon... MOVE IT!

               EXT. GAFFEY STREET - DAY

               Their car accelerates.

               INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - 12:35 PM.

               The three of them are seated at a corner booth. A song from 
               any decade other than the 50's PLAYS on the jukebox. A 
               BUSINESSMAN enters.

                                     REBECCA
                         Look, maybe that's him!

                                     ENID
                         It's still twenty-five minutes early.

                                     JOSH
                         Aren't there a million places like 
                         this?

                                     ENID
                         This is the ultimate. It's like the 
                         Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.

                                     JOSH
                         So, where's "Weird Al"?

                                     ENID
                         SHH! He's back there. I can see his 
                         hair bobbing up and down.

                                     REBECCA
                         I want to "make love" to him.

                                     ENID
                         I'm going to tell him you said that.

               WEIRD AL approaches with menus.

                                     AL
                         So nice to see you again, ladies.

                                     ENID
                         Hey, Weird Al, there's something my 
                         friend wants to tell you --

                                     REBECCA
                         SHUT UP!

                                     ENID
                         She says she wants to MMPH!

               Rebecca puts her hand over Enid's mouth.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               A PUSH SWEEPER, SWEEPING THE CARPET.

               ANGLE ON: OLD WOMAN slowly sweeping.

               WE FOLLOW HER BACK TO: Enid, Rebecca & Josh. They're now 
               eating: ten minutes have passed, it's 12:45.

                                     ENID
                         So Josh... Becky and I are trying to 
                         figure out what makes you tick.  
                         Tell us about your political beliefs.

               REBECCA laughs.

                                     JOSH
                         Yeah, right.

                                     ENID
                         No, I'm serious. Give us your whole 
                         basic philosophy in a nutshell.

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh my God, look, that's got to be 
                         him!

               A GUY enters.

                                     ENID
                         Is he wearing a green cardigan?

                                     REBECCA
                         What exactly is a cardigan anyway?

               The GUY joins a friend.

                                     ENID
                         That's not him... Jesus, stop freaking 
                         me out.

                                     JOSH
                         In answer to your question, I suppose 
                         I endorse policies that are opposed 
                         to stupidity and violence and cruelty 
                         in any form...

                                     ENID
                         I figured something like that...

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh my God!

               They see a somewhat funny-looking guy in his late 30's, 
               wearing a green cardigan, SEYMOUR, enter. Enid and Rebecca 
               hunch down in their seats.

                                     ENID
                         It's obviously him!

                                     REBECCA
                         I can't believe it!

               Seymour sits down and looks around. Weird Al brings a menu.

               ANOTHER ANGLE ON: WEIRD AL bringing his milkshake. Ten more 
               minutes have passed, it's 12:55.

                                     REBECCA
                         What's going on now? What's he doing?

                                     ENID
                         Oh my god, he just ordered a giant 
                         glass of milk!

                                     JOSH
                              (bursting her bubble)
                         It's a vanilla milkshake.

               Fifteen more minutes have passed - it's 1:10 PM. Seymour 
               looks around, still hopeful. His date is now TEN MINUTES 
               LATE.

                                     REBECCA
                         What's he doing now?

                                     ENID
                         He's still just sitting there. God, 
                         this is totally unbearable!

                                     JOSH
                         I agree.

                                     REBECCA
                         I wish I could see him.

                                     ENID
                         Go ahead and look, but don't make it 
                         too obvious...

               Rebecca turns around and pretends to look past Seymour.

               It's now 1:30 PM. His date is 30 MINUTES LATE. Seymour gets 
               up and walks sadly towards the cashier (Weird Al).

                                     REBECCA
                         Do you think he knows?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno...

               They watch him leave. Enid goes up to pay the bill while 
               Josh and Rebecca go outside.

                                     ENID
                         Hey Weird Al, did that guy say 
                         anything to you before he left?

                                     AL
                         Not a thing.

               Enid goes back to the table to leave a tip, two dollars. Al 
               passes behind her.

                                     AL
                              (cheerfully 
                              professional despite 
                              her abuse)
                         Thank you and come again.

               Enid hesitates, overcome with guilt. She glances back at Al, 
               then digs every penny out of her pocket (about seven dollars 
               in coins and wadded up bills) and adds it to his tip.

               EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

               The trio drive in silence. Suddenly, an extra-wide pick-up 
               vrooms past Josh, cutting off the driver (SEYMOUR) next to 
               him. SEYMOUR bobs violently as he screams silent obscenities.

                                     JOSH
                         Jesus, look at this guy.

                                     ENID
                         Oh my God, that's HIM!

                                     REBECCA
                         Are you sure?

                                     ENID
                         Totally! Look!

               ANGLE ON: SEYMOUR really having a fit now. Once it's out of 
               his system, he reverts to an amiable poker-face.

                                     ENID
                         He's insane!

                                     REBECCA
                         We should follow him home.

                                     JOSH
                         Forget it.

                                     ENID
                         Come on, Josh... don't you want to 
                         see where he lives?

                                     JOSH
                         No.

                                     ENID
                         But this guy is like a one-of-kind, 
                         rare butterfly, and we have to follow 
                         him back to his natural habitat...

                                     JOSH
                         You need counseling.

               EXT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Several minutes have passed. Seymour parks.

                                     REBECCA
                         God, he lives right in our 
                         neighborhood!

               Seymour gets out and disappears up the steps of his building.

                                     ENID
                         He doesn't even look that bummed 
                         out, really.

                                     REBECCA
                         I know... wouldn't you be totally 
                         pissed off?

                                     ENID
                         This kind of thing must happen to 
                         him all the time.

               INT. EXPERIMENTAL FILM - DAY

               FULL SCREEN: grainy B&W video footage. The CAMERA travels up 
               a shadowy flight of stairs. We hear FOOTSTEPS, a rhythmic 
               POUNDING, and a deranged CHILDREN'S CHOIR ("LALALALALALA").

                                     WOMAN'S VOICE
                              (cheap echo effect)
                         Returning to the house of my 
                         Fatherfatherfatherfather...

               The CAMERA reaches the top of the stairs, we see a door that 
               slowly CREAKS open. We move into the room beyond, it's 
               decorated with stuff from the 50's and a giant crucifix. We 
               HEAR a televangelist's sermon. We MOVE CLOSE on a little 
               girl's doll. Very slowly a MAN'S HAND reaches for the doll 
               and drags it into the shadows. The hand throws the now 
               mutilated doll into a toilet; water and blood swirl around.

               We see grainy footage (shot off of TV) of Christians angrily 
               picketing an abortion clinic. CREDITS come up: THE END.  A 
               FILM BY ROBERTA ALLSWORTH.

               INT. ART CLASS - DAY

               The lights go on, the VIDEO ends and the monitor is shut 
               off.

               There are about a dozen students, mostly pimply 14-year-old 
               boys, a few 14-ish girls, and Enid, dressed in schoolgirl 
               outfit. The teacher, ROBERTA ALLSWORTH, addresses the class.

                                     ROBERTA
                         That piece is entitled 
                         "Mirror/Father/Mirror." I like to 
                         show it to people I'm meeting for 
                         the first time because it says so 
                         much about who I am and what it feels 
                         like to inhabit my specific skin.  
                         And this is exactly what I'm hoping 
                         to get from each of you over the 
                         course of this Summer: a picture of 
                         your own self-exploration. My own 
                         background is in video and performance 
                         art, but I'm hoping that doesn't 
                         influence you and that you'll find 
                         your own ways of externalizing the 
                         internal. At the end of the Summer, 
                         this class has been invited, along 
                         with several others in the area, to 
                         participate in a show of High-School 
                         art at the Neighborhood Activity 
                         Center. The title of the show will 
                         be "Brotherhood and Community: Art 
                         as Dialogue." I think the 
                         "Brotherhood" theme ties in nicely 
                         with the theme of self-discovery 
                         that I'd like to emphasize in this 
                         class. Are there any questions so 
                         far?
                              (she's completely 
                              lost them)
                         Great...

               EXT. SEYMOUR'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

               Enid and Rebecca stand in front of Seymour's apartment.

                                     ENID
                         This is way too creepy.

                                     REBECCA
                         He won't see us... we'll just stalk 
                         him from a distance.

                                     ENID
                         I'm afraid if I see him, I'll start 
                         feeling really bad again.

               A pause.

                                     ENID
                         So what should we do? We can't just 
                         hide all day waiting for him to come 
                         out...

               EXT. SEYMOUR'S BUILDING - MAILBOX

               There are three mail slots. Enid pulls the mail out of the 
               first one. We see FLOWER BULB CATALOGUES, and LADIES HOME 
               JOURNAL.

                                     ENID
                         This is girl mail.

               She grabs the mail out of SLOT NUMBER TWO.

                                     ENID
                         This is all computer catalogues and 
                         stuff...

               Rebecca is looking at the mail from SLOT NUMBER THREE.

                                     REBECCA
                         The W.C. Fields Fan Club Newsletter...
                              (she flips through 
                              the mail)
                         Oh my God, The National Psoriasis 
                         Foundation!

                                     ENID
                         Bingo!

               She shoves back the contents of slot number two and grabs 
               the mail from Rebecca. We hear MALE VOICES around the corner.

                                     REBECCA
                         Wait! Do you hear that?

               Enid jams the mail back in the slot in a panic.

                                     ENID
                         Shit!

               They slowly walk around the bushes toward the voices.

               INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

               They see the GARAGE SALE, in progress. They've all spotted 
               each other.

                                     REBECCA
                         What should we do? What if he 
                         recognizes us?

                                     ENID
                         Come on, it's too late now...

               A middle-aged HOUSEWIFE browses with little enthusiasm as 
               Enid & Rebecca tentatively approach. Enid spots a MONGOOSE 
               VS. COBRA taxidermy piece near Joe...

                                     ENID
                         Ew, look at this...

                                     REBECCA
                         Gross!

                                     ENID
                         I think it's cute - look at his little 
                         weasel teeth.

                                     REBECCA
                         Ew, it's like some gross rat...

                                     JOE
                              (hardly looking up 
                              from TV)
                         It's a mongoose.

                                     REBECCA
                         Mm...

                                     ENID
                         A what?

                                     JOE
                         A mongoose... they eat snakes... you 
                         never heard of a mongoose?  That's a 
                         classic piece of vintage taxidermy. 
                         Nobody alive today knows how to do 
                         work like that.

                                     ENID
                              (looking underneath 
                              it)
                         How much is this?

                                     JOE
                         Umm... That's not officially for 
                         sale... I might have to hang onto 
                         that for the time being.

               Joe shuts off the TV. He turns to the girls, not wanting to 
               lose the rapport he's established with two potential 
               customers.

                                     JOE
                         So, are you looking for anything in 
                         particular? There's a lot of other 
                         stuff in storage...

               He picks up a plastic Casio-type guitar/keyboard (a child's 
               toy) and starts noodling pre-programmed rock licks.

                                     JOE
                         Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals to 
                         you.  Absolutely no practice 
                         necessary.  You shread like a giant. 
                         Just press a button.

                                     ENID
                         That's okay...

               She notices several modern jazz LPs on Joe's table.

                                     ENID
                         Do you have any other old records 
                         besides these?

                                     JOE
                         Seymour does.

                                     ENID
                         Who does?

                                     JOE
                         Him. Seymour. He's the man with the 
                         records.

               Enid glances at Rebecca and mouths the implausible name: 
               "Seymour?!" Rebecca snorts, unable to control her laughter, 
               and turns away from the table. Enid keeps her cool...

                                     ENID
                         Do you have any old Indian records?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Indian records?

                                     ENID
                         You know, like weird 1960's Indian 
                         rock n' roll music.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I don't have anything after about 
                         1935. I may have one Hindu 78 from 
                         the twenties in my collection, but 
                         it's not really for sale. I don't 
                         really collect "foreign."

               Enid drifts over and begins thumbing through a box of 78s.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Those are all 78s... Can you play 
                         78s?

                                     ENID
                         Sure!... Wait, maybe not 78s, but I 
                         can play regular records...

               He points her to a nearby box of LPs.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         There's some good stuff in here... 
                         do you like old music?

                                     ENID
                         Sure, I guess.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Well there's a few choice LPs in 
                         here that re-issue some really great 
                         old blues stuff.

               Rebecca tugs on Enid's sleeve. Enid gets free and continues 
               looking through the records. She stops on one with an 
               especially wacky cover.

                                     ENID
                         Is this one any good?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Nah, it's not so great. Here's the 
                         one I'd recommend.

               He pulls out a bland-looking record: "COLLECTOR'S ITEMS, 
               VOLUME THREE." Rebecca shifts impatiently behind her.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         This track alone by Memphis Minnie 
                         is worth about $500 if you have the 
                         original 78. She was one of the 
                         greatest guitar players that ever 
                         lived, and a great singer and 
                         songwriter as well. I know the guy 
                         who owns the original and lent it 
                         for use on this reissue.

                                     ENID
                         Wow!

               Rebecca snorts at Enid's over-exuberance. Enid kicks her.

                                     ENID
                         How much is it?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         A dollar seventy-five.

                                     ENID
                         Okay.

               She pays him.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         If you don't like it bring it back 
                         for a refund. We're here every 
                         Saturday.

               He puts the record into a bag.

                                     ENID
                         I'm sure it's fine.

               INT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY

               Enid & Rebecca sit in their usual booth. Rebecca is reading 
               THE FREE WEEKLY.

                                     REBECCA
                         That was truly pathetic.

                                     ENID
                         I know... I still can't get over 
                         that his name was "Seymour."

               Rebecca starts looking through the APARTMENT LISTINGS. She 
               takes a pen out of her purse.

                                     REBECCA
                         He was so excited when you bought 
                         that record -- you're a saint!...  
                         God, these apartments are super 
                         expensive...

                                     ENID
                         It was so cute how he had his own 
                         little bags. I thought I was going 
                         to start crying!... Do you think 
                         they're gay?

                                     REBECCA
                         What about the "striking redhead in 
                         the yellow dress"?

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah...

                                     REBECCA
                         He should totally just kill himself... 
                         Hey, here's one
                              (circles it)
                         ...Oh wait...
                              (crosses it out)
                         you have to share it with a non 
                         smoking feminist and her two cats...

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... I kind of like him...  
                         He's the exact opposite of everything 
                         I really hate... In a way he's such 
                         a clueless dork that he's almost 
                         cool...

                                     REBECCA
                         That guy is many things but he 
                         definitely isn't "cool"... This one 
                         would be okay, but there's no 
                         kitchen...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, but... you know what I mean.

                                     REBECCA
                         Not really...

                                     ENID
                         Forget it, I can't explain it...

               Awkward silence. Melorra enters.

                                     MELORRA
                         Oh my god, what are you guys doing 
                         here?

                                     ENID
                         What are you doing here, Melorra?

                                     MELORRA
                         My acting workshop is across the 
                         street from here. I'm just on my 
                         break.

                                     ENID
                         Well, we won't keep you.

                                     MELORRA
                         I love this place... it's so - you 
                         know, "funky."

               Enid and Rebecca look at each other.

                                     MELORRA
                         What are you guys up to?

                                     REBECCA
                         We're looking for an apartment.

                                     MELORRA
                         God how cool. Where are you moving?

                                     ENID
                         We're not sure yet, that's why we're 
                         looking.

                                     REBECCA
                         Somewhere downtown.

                                     MELORRA
                         God that's so exciting!
                              (looks at clock)
                         Oops, I should go. Bye you guys!  
                         Call me.

               Melorra leaves quickly.

                                     REBECCA
                         "Funky"?

                                     ENID
                         What, is she black now?

               They watch her cross the street - she's dressed in expensive 
               "casual" clothes with a fancy backpack.

                                     REBECCA
                         I've been thinking about when we 
                         look for our apartment how we have 
                         to try and convince people that we're 
                         like these totally rich yuppies...

                                     ENID
                         What are you talking about?

                                     REBECCA
                         That's who people want to rent to.  
                         It's a known fact that it's way easier 
                         to get a job and everything if you're 
                         rich... All we have to do is buy a 
                         few semi-expensive outfits and act 
                         like it's no big deal... it'll be 
                         fun.

                                     ENID
                         You just want an excuse to dress 
                         like some stupid fashion model without 
                         me making fun of you.

                                     REBECCA
                         Just promise you'll do it.

                                     ENID
                         Okay, okay, I promise... Jesus, you're 
                         out of your mind.

               INT. ENID'S BATHROOM - DAY

               Loud water running; PUNK ROCK blares from adjoining bedroom 
               as Enid, her head in the sink, sings along, making up her 
               own words. As she straightens INTO FRAME, we see that she's 
               dyed her hair green. She grabs a towel and heads into the 
               bedroom.

               INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Her DAD enters with a mixing bowl, oblivious to the green 
               hair and loud music.

                                     DAD
                              (over music)
                         Have you seen my blue spatula?

                                     ENID
                         Nope. What are you making, pancakes?

                                     DAD
                         Not if I don't find that goddamn 
                         spatula.

               Dad leaves. Enid messes up her hair in different ways while 
               singing along to the tape and looking at herself in the 
               mirror. Rebecca opens the door and stands in the doorway.

                                     REBECCA
                              (disdainful)
                         When did you do that?

               Enid turns around, startled, but instantly regains helps 
               composure.

                                     ENID
                         What? How long have you been standing 
                         there?

               EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/NEAR ACME SHOES - DAY

                                     REBECCA
                         Did you have to buy new hair dye or 
                         did you still have some left over 
                         from eighth grade?

                                     ENID
                         Fuck you, bitch!

               They walk past a sad-looking ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE, in 
               a distinctive old building, that looks as if it's been there 
               forever. They stop and peer through the window.

                                     ENID
                         We still have to go in there sometime.

                                     REBECCA
                         It's always closed...

                                     ENID
                         I bet they have tons of incredible 
                         shoes hidden in the back.

               They continue walking.

                                     ENID
                         Hey look, it's the pants.

               We see a pair of discarded jeans on the sidewalk.

                                     REBECCA
                         Where are we going?

                                     ENID
                         Let's go hassle Josh.

                                     REBECCA
                         "Hassle"?

               They see a MIDDLE-AGED MAN dressed in a shabby threadbare 
               suit and hat sitting at what was once a bus stop. The rusty 
               sign has a red sticker on it that says "No longer in service."

                                     REBECCA
                         There he is...

                                     ENID
                         As always.

                                     REBECCA
                         Waiting for the bus that never 
                         comes...

                                     ENID
                         I wonder if he's just totally insane 
                         and he really thinks a bus is coming 
                         or --

                                     REBECCA
                         Why don't you ask him.

               Enid sits next to THE MAN. Rebecca stands behind the bench, 
               taken aback that Enid is going to end the long standing 
               speculation.

                                     ENID
                         Hi... what's your name?

                                     MAN
                              (looks at watchless 
                              wrist, then down the 
                              street)
                         Norman.

                                     ENID
                         ...are you waiting for a bus?

                                     MAN
                         Yes.

                                     ENID
                         I hate to tell you this but they 
                         cancelled this bus line two years 
                         ago... There are no buses on this 
                         street.

                                     MAN
                         You don't know what you're talking 
                         about.

               EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

               Enid & Rebecca are on the outside porch/walkway on the second 
               floor of Josh's building. Enid POUNDS on his pasteboard door; 
               the windows RATTLE with each hollow THUD.

                                     ENID
                         JOSH!

                                     REBECCA
                         JOSH!

                                     ENID & REBECCA
                         JOSH!

                                     ENID
                         He's probably in there jerking off.

                                     REBECCA
                         I'll bet he never jerks off...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like 
                         that.

                                     REBECCA
                         Should we leave a note?

               Enid finds a piece of paper - the back of a pizza flyer.

                                     ENID
                         Do you have a pen?

               She writes, while Rebecca looks over her shoulder. "Dear 
               Josh. We came by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door.  
               Therefore you are gay. Signed, Tiffany and Amber."

                                     REBECCA
                         You're not really going to leave 
                         that are you?

               Enid pushes the note over his doorknob.

               EXT. ENTERING ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY

                                     REBECCA
                         Why are we going here? I hate this 
                         place.

                                     ENID
                         It'll only take a second.

               INT. ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY

               They enter. We see racks of books-with titles like "Make 
               Explosives At Home." Rebecca walks over to the magazine rack.

                                     CREEP #1
                         -- I'm telling you, you're wrong -- 
                         carpet beetles are the only way to 
                         get the flesh off a corpse...  Boiling 
                         is strictly for amateurs!

                                     ENID
                         Don't you creeps ever talk about 
                         anything nice? Don't you ever talk 
                         about fluffy kittens or the Easter 
                         Bunny?

                                     CREEP #1
                         Look who's talking - little miss 
                         badass...

                                     CREEP #2
                         Yeah, nice outfit - who are you 
                         supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?

                                     ENID
                         Blow me, doofus!

               John Ellis emerges from the back and begins to unload a box 
               of books onto the shelves. He stops and looks at Enid.

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         Didn't they tell you?

                                     ENID
                         Tell me what?

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         Punk rock is over!

                                     ENID
                         I know it's over, asshole, I --

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         If you really want to "fuck up the 
                         system" - you should go to business 
                         school -- that's what I'm gonna do: 
                         get a job at some big corporation 
                         and fuck things up from the inside!

                                     ENID
                         That's not even --

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         Yeah yeah yeah. Do you have my money?

               She wads up a twenty-dollar bill and throws it at him.

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         Oh, how "punk."

                                     ENID
                         That tape sucked, by the way!

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         I'm so sorry if you were offended!

               He heads toward the back room with the empty box.

                                     ENID
                         Go die, asshole!

                                     JOHN ELLIS
                         Get a job!

               He exits. Rebecca walks over to Enid.

                                     REBECCA
                         What was that all about?

                                     ENID
                         It's not like I'm some modern Punk 
                         dickhead... It's obviously supposed 
                         to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess 
                         Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to get 
                         it!

                                     REBECCA
                         I didn't get it either.

                                     ENID
                         Everybody's too stupid!

               INT. ENID'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING

               Enid dejectedly enters and heads straight for the bathroom.  
               She rummages through a cabinet until she finds the right box 
               (black hair dye). She wets her hair, then goes into the 
               bedroom and mechanically turns on her boom box. The punk 
               rock song we heard earlier plays. She yanks out the tape and 
               flings it away. She skims through her records and CDs, 
               dismissing them all. She notices Seymour's bag in the corner.

               She takes out the record and puts it on. The first tune is 
               an upbeat instrumental number. She returns to the bathroom.

               Several minutes pass. TRACK TWO begins on the LP. She (and 
               we) slowly begin to take notice. It's a strange, haunting 
               old BLUES RECORD. We see that the tune has struck a nerve.

               INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

               The song continues. Enid sits in her bean-bag chair. Her 
               hair is now dyed back to black. As the song ends, she picks 
               up the needle and starts it again.

               INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, it took a while before I got a 
                         chance to play it, but when I heard 
                         that song it was like --

                                     SEYMOUR
                         So you really liked it? Yeah, there's 
                         some really rare performances. You 
                         liked that Memphis Minnie, huh?

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, that's good too... the whole 
                         record was good, but that one song, 
                         "Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly 
                         just keep playing that one over and 
                         over... Do you have any other records 
                         like that?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         The Skip James record? Yeah, that's 
                         a masterpiece. There are no other 
                         records like that! I actually have 
                         the original 78 of it in my 
                         collection. It's one of maybe five 
                         known copies.

                                     ENID
                              (nearly sincere)
                         Wow!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Do you want to see it? I can run 
                         upstairs and get it...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, sure, I guess...

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (to Joe, he always 
                              says this when he 
                              leaves his table)
                         Watch my stuff.

               Seymour exits. An uncomfortable pause as Enid stands at the 
               table. She touches the mongoose's tooth.

                                     JOE
                              (not looking up)
                         You still interested in that?

                                     ENID
                         I thought it wasn't for sale.

                                     JOE
                         I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it 
                         go...

                                     ENID
                         It's kind of falling apart.

               Seymour returns with the 78, holding it like a precious 
               object.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Here it is. It's only about V minus 
                         and has an incipient lam crack, but 
                         plays decent as I recall.

               Seymour passes the 78 to Enid who follows suit and holds it 
               carefully by the edges.

                                     ENID
                         Wow...

               Enid pretends to drop the record.

                                     ENID
                         Oops! I dropped it!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         NO!!!

                                     ENID
                         Hey, I was only kidding!

               She hands the record back to Seymour, who's shaken and 
               embarrassed.

                                     ENID
                         Jesus, Seymour... are you all right?

               INT. ART CLASS - DAY

               Starts with a PAN ACROSS a wall of unimpressive high school 
               art: dumb drawings of fighting Chuck Norris-types, traced 
               centerfolds, highly sexualized horses, etc. And, on a table, 
               a wire sculpture made from two coathangers.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I'm not going to start a discourse 
                         on the subject of "good" art vs. 
                         "bad" art; these judgments are for 
                         each person to make on his own. I 
                         merely want to help each of you find 
                         the best way to look within yourselves 
                         the best key to your particular lock. 
                         Last week I asked you to-try and 
                         create a piece of artwork that 
                         responds to something that you have 
                         strong feelings about.

               Enid enters late and puts her sketchbook on the table.

                                     ROBERTA
                         And it looks like we have some really 
                         interesting work up here....

               Roberta peruses some of the art, then points to a very violent 
               drawing.

                                     ROBERTA
                         What can you tell, us about your 
                         piece... uh...
                              (struggles to read 
                              signature)
                         ...Phillip?

                                     PHILLIP
                              (very stupid and 
                              nervous)
                         Uh... it's uh... it's about The 
                         Mutilator...

                                     ROBERTA
                         My goodness!

                                     PHILLIP
                         It's this really great video game 
                         about a guy who kills people with a 
                         big hammer...

                                     ROBERTA
                              (trying to make a 
                              joke)
                         I thought maybe this was supposed to 
                         be your father.

               No response from Phillip. Roberta nicks up Enid's sketchbook 
               and leafs through it.

                                     ROBERTA
                         And what can you tell us about this...
                              (searches for name)

                                     ENID
                         Enid. It's sort of like a diary I 
                         guess.

               We see several sketches, including the drawing of the 
               SATANISTS. Roberta shows a few pages to the class.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I think that Phillip and Enid can 
                         help us to see that there are-many 
                         different ways we can express 
                         ourselves.  We can do things like 
                         these cartoons that are amusing as a 
                         sort of light entertainment or we 
                         can do work that is more serious in 
                         scope and feeling and that deals 
                         with issues; emotional, spiritual, 
                         political; of great importance. I 
                         hope that you will each have the 
                         tools to do that type of work by the 
                         end of this class.
                              (pause, points at 
                              WIRE SCULPTURE)
                         Who is responsible for this?

                                     MARGARET
                         I am.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Talk to us about it...

                                     MARGARET
                         It's my response to the issue of a 
                         woman's right to choose... it's 
                         something I feel super-strongly about.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Isn't this a wonderful piece, class? 
                         This definitely falls into that higher 
                         category of art I was speaking of 
                         earlier.

               MARGARET glances over at Enid. Enid gives her a dirty look.

               INT. "MASTERPIECE VIDEO" STORE - AFTERNOON.

               On a monitor, a generic trailer is playing.

                                     MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
                         Hello and welcome to Masterpiece 
                         video. How may I help you this 
                         afternoon, sir?

                                     CUSTOMER
                         I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.

                                     MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
                         Yessir! Is it a new release, sir?

                                     CUSTOMER
                         No, it's the classic Italian film.

                                     MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
                         Let me look that up on the computer 
                         for you, sir!

                                     (FIDDLES WITH COMPUTER)
                         Yes, here it is - 9 1/2 WEEKS with 
                         Mickey Rourke. It's in our "Erotic 
                         Dramas" section.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         No, not "9 1/2", 8 1/2 , the Fellini 
                         film.

                                     MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
                         I'll check that for you sir. How do 
                         you spell the actor's name - F-I-L-E-
                         E-P-E-E...?

               WE SEE Enid & Rebecca, dressed up in sexy outfits.

                                     REBECCA
                         How about this one?

                                     ENID
                         Hey, you have to see my new good 
                         luck charm.

               She pulls out a small porcelain figure of a MAN FLUSHING 
               HIMSELF DOWN A TOILET with the words "Goodbye Cruel World" 
               on the base.

                                     REBECCA
                         Ew ... when did you get that?

                                     ENID
                         This morning at Seymour's garage 
                         sale.

                                     REBECCA
                         God, aren't you tired of Seymour 
                         yet?

               Rebecca picks up another tape.

                                     REBECCA
                         How about this?

                                     ENID
                         Forget it. I'm sure it sucks. All 
                         these movies suck.

               An obnoxious SIX-YEAR-OLD tries to get his PARENTS to add 
               another tape to their already tall stack. He stares at the 
               video monitor.

               Another MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE reshelves videos near them.

                                     MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #2
                              (overly cheerful)
                         Hello! How are you young ladies this 
                         evening? May I help you find a 
                         particular Masterpiece movie?

                                     ENID
                         No.

               They walk by him.

                                     ENID
                         Let's get out of here, this place 
                         makes me sick.

                                     REBECCA
                         We have to do something fun tonight 
                         this is my last weekend of freedom 
                         before I start my stupid job.

                                     ENID
                         I know a party we could go to...

                                     REBECCA
                         What? Where?!

                                     ENID
                         It's a surprise.

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't believe you.

                                     ENID
                         If I promise you there's really a 
                         party with a lot of guys, do you 
                         promise you'll go?

               INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

               A depressing COLLECTORS' GET-TOGETHER in progress. Enid & 
               Rebecca sit on an old sofa in the corner. Nine or ten RECORD 
               COLLECTORS mill about.

                                     JEROME
                         There are some records I will pay 
                         serious money for, provided they're 
                         a sincere V plus. Other than that 
                         I'd prefer to just have them on CD.

                                     STEVEN
                         CDs will never have the presence of 
                         an original 78.

                                     JEROME
                         WRR-ONG! A digital transfer adequately 
                         mastered will sound identical to the 
                         original. Do you have a decent 
                         equalizer?

                                     STEVEN
                         I have a Klipsch 2B3.

                                     JEROME
                         Obviously the problem! You expect a 
                         ten-band equalizer to impart state 
                         of-the-art sound? Dream a little 
                         dream! etc...

               Enid & Rebecca are sitting nearby.

                                     REBECCA
                         I totally, totally hate you.

                                     ENID
                         Aw c'mon, this is a fun party.

               ANGLE ON: Joe stands talking to GERROLD, an obnoxious, pushy, 
               fast-talking guy who keeps eyeing Rebecca. He shovels food 
               into his mouth as he speaks.

                                     GERROLD
                         So what's the story with the two 
                         cheerleaders over here?

                                     JOE
                         They're Seymour's.

                                     GERROLD
                         Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!

                                     JOE
                         Don't worry about it. He's not gettin' 
                         any and neither are you.

                                     GERROLD
                              (poking Joe in the 
                              chest)
                         Let me tell ya somethin', Joe...  
                         Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit a 
                         home run without swinging the bat!

                                     JOE
                         Right.

               Gerrold walks over to where Rebecca is sitting. He sits on 
               the arm of sofa next to her.

                                     GERROLD
                         Mind if I sit here?

                                     REBECCA
                              (staring straight 
                              ahead)
                         Yes.

                                     GERROLD
                         Whoa, that was cold! Hey, you're 
                         okay, you're pretty sharp. So uh... 
                         hey, you're wearing a green dress - 
                         whadda you Irish? I bet you're Irish. 
                         What's your name?

                                     REBECCA
                         Melorra...

                                     GERROLD
                         Melorra, listen to me - let me tell 
                         you something Melorra... you seem 
                         like an interesting chick - what are 
                         you doing hanging out with these 
                         losers here? Whaddya say you and me 
                         take off and hit some nightspots 
                         etc. etc.

                                     ENID
                         I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get 
                         a beer.

                                     REBECCA
                              (to ENID)
                         Wait...

               Enid goes over to the beer keg. Nearby Seymour stands talking 
               to PAUL - a humorless, middle-aged guy in a suit and tie 
               who's contemptuously examining one of Seymour's 78s.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         ...but it plays like new. There's no 
                         groove wear.

                                     PAUL
                         Oh please... It has an enlarged center 
                         hole and a hair crack.

               Enid approaches them.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         But the crack is so tight it's 
                         completely inaudible.

                                     PAUL
                         A tight hair crack is just that - a 
                         crack. I don't collect cracked 
                         records.
                              (walking away)
                         I only pay a premium for mint records 
                         Seymour, you know that!  Please!

                                     ENID
                         What was all that stuff about enlarged 
                         holes and tight cracks?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I... I didn't think you would have 
                         any interest in this get together... 
                         I mean if you had told me you were 
                         coming I would have warned you -- 
                         it's not like a real party or 
                         anything.

                                     ENID
                         You're right about that.
                              (pause)
                         So this is your record collection?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh God no. This is just junk I have 
                         for sale or trade. The record room 
                         is off-limits.

                                     ENID
                         Really? Can I see it?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, well sure... you can if you 
                         want to... it's just I don't want 
                         all these guys in there at once... 
                         you know...

               INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING

               Enid & Seymour enter his inner sanctum, beverage containers 
               in hand -- nicely-displayed old collectibles cover just about 
               every inch of wall space.

                                     ENID
                         Wow! This is like my dream room!  
                         Are these all records!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I have about fifteen hundred 78s at 
                         this point. I've tried to pare down 
                         my collection to the essential...

                                     ENID
                         God, look at this poster!  I can't 
                         believe this room! You're the luckiest 
                         guy in the world! I'd kill to have 
                         stuff like this!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Please... go ahead and kill me!  
                         This stuff doesn't make you happy, 
                         believe me.

                                     ENID
                         Oh, come on! What are you talking 
                         about?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         You think it's healthy to obsessively 
                         collect things? You can't connect 
                         with other people so you fill your 
                         life with stuff...  I'm just like 
                         all the rest of these pathetic 
                         collector losers.

               Enid writes her name in the dust.

                                     ENID
                         No you're not! You're a cool guy, 
                         Seymour.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why 
                         haven't I had a girlfriend in four 
                         years? I can't even remember the 
                         last time a girl talked to me.

                                     ENID
                         I'm talking to you... I'll bet there 
                         are tons of women who would go out 
                         with you in a minute!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh, right...

                                     ENID
                         No really... I guarantee I could get 
                         you a date in like two seconds...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Good luck...

                                     ENID
                         I'm totally serious!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, well...

                                     ENID
                         I mean it -- You leave everything to 
                         me -- I'm going to be your own 
                         personal dating service!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I appreciate the offer but you really 
                         don't --

                                     ENID
                         Mark my words, by the end of this 
                         summer you'll be up to your neck in 
                         pussy!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Jesus! That's very nice of you Enid 
                         but I - I really --

               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               As Enid and Seymour walk. A 20-ish secretary-type passes.

                                     ENID
                         What about her? Would you go out 
                         with her?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I don't know, what kind of question 
                         is that? I mean it's totally 
                         irrelevant because a girl like that 
                         would never be caught dead with me...

                                     ENID
                         But putting that aside for now, would 
                         you go out with her?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I really didn't get a good look at 
                         her.

               A breasty, overweight 40-year-old walks by.

                                     ENID
                         Okay, what about this one? Are you 
                         into girls with big tits?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (embarrassed)
                         Jesus!

                                     ENID
                         C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to collect 
                         data here! Don't you want me to find 
                         you your perfect dream girl?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm just not one of those guys who 
                         has a "type"...

                                     ENID
                         Every guy has a type!

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (he doesn't really 
                              mean this)
                         I mean as long as she's not a complete 
                         imbecile and she's even remotely 
                         attractive...

               They walk by "the pants."

                                     ENID
                         Hey look, there's Norman!

               He's sitting as before at the defunct bus stop.

                                     ENID
                         Hi Norman.

               Norman nods politely. Seymour looks quizzically at Enid.

               EXT. CITY STREET/NEAR SIDEWINDER - DAY

               They're in another part of town near THE SIDEWINDER.

                                     ENID
                         We need to narrow this down somehow... 
                         we need to find a place where you 
                         can meet women who share your 
                         interests.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Maybe I don't want to meet someone 
                         who shares my interests.  I hate my 
                         interests! Where can I go to meet 
                         the exact opposite of myself?

                                     ENID
                         Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your 
                         five main interests, in order of 
                         importance.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (sighs)
                         Well, let's see... I guess I'd have 
                         to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and 
                         Ragtime music at the top of the list, 
                         then probably...

                                     ENID
                         Let's just say "music" - that way 
                         you only use up one...
                              (spots The Sidewinder)
                         Wait, we have to go in here for a 
                         second...

               INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY

               They enter. Josh has his back to the counter as he makes a 
               complicated frozen yogurt sundae for a little girl.

                                     ENID
                         Hi Josh.

                                     JOSH
                              (without turning around)
                         Hi.

                                     ENID
                         I just stopped in to say hi.

                                     JOSH
                         Yeah, well... hi...

               He turns around non-chalantly, holding the sundae. He looks 
               up and sees Enid with the guy from Wowsville (Seymour).

                                     ENID
                         This is my friend Seymour.

               Josh is startled and drops the sundae. The girl starts crying. 
               Josh immediately starts to clean up the mess. Enid, satisfied, 
               heads with Seymour for the door.

                                     ENID
                         See you later, Josh!

               As the door closes, we hear a familiar voice.

                                     BOSS
                         JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?

               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               Enid & Seymour continue walking.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (pause)
                         So is that your boyfriend?

                                     ENID
                         Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend...  
                         He's just this guy that Becky and I 
                         like to torture.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Well are --

                                     ENID
                              (interrupts suddenly)
                         Oh my god! We have to go in here!

               They are in front of STAN'S, a porno shop.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, sure... very funny....

                                     ENID
                         Please, Seymour... Becky and I have 
                         been dying to go in here but we can't 
                         get any boys to take us...  Please?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I - I'd really rather not...

                                     ENID
                         We'll just go in for one minute -- 
                         it'll be a riot!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I don't think so...

                                     ENID
                         PLEASE? We have to!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I really don't think it's a good 
                         idea.

                                     ENID
                         Fine, I'll go by myself then...

               INT. ANTHONY'S II - DAY

               Enid & Seymour enter. There are a half dozen MEN browsing 
               through the videos and magazines.

                                     ENID
                              (whispering)
                         Wow! Look at all these creeps!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Shh!

                                     ENID
                         OH MY GOD!

               Enid runs over and grabs a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL. Everyone in the 
               store looks at them. Seymour blushes and sweats.

                                     ENID
                         What kind of weirdo would actually 
                         have sex with this? We have to buy 
                         this!

               She looks around, over-stimulated.

                                     ENID
                         God, this place is a total riot!

               She picks up a magazine.

                                     ENID
                         Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas" - 
                         isn't child pornography totally 
                         illegal?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         These are older women just dressed 
                         up to look young... I think.

               ANGLE ON a pair of THIGH-HIGH LEATHER FETISH BOOTS.

                                     ENID (V.O.)
                         Oh my god!

               WIDER ANGLE: She's in another part of the store near the 
               CASHIER.

                                     ENID
                         How much are these boots? Do you 
                         have these in size five?

                                     CASHIER
                         That's the only pair of those I have 
                         right now. I'm getting a new order 
                         in next week...

               She spots something and gasps. She yells across the store.

                                     ENID
                         OH MY GOD SEYMOUR! You have to lend 
                         me the money to buy this.

               Everyone looks at Seymour as he sheepishly approaches. He 
               takes out his wallet.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh, I don't have much money with me 
                         right now.

                                     ENID
                         C'mon, Seymour, please?

                                     CASHIER
                         Why don't you come back in two weeks - 
                         we'll be having our annual Back-to-
                         School sale.

               INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - LATE AFTERNOON

               Rebecca is at the counter serving a long line of YUPPIES. We 
               can see a sign next to the counter that reads: "Answer today's 
               trivia question and get a free small coffee".

                                     YUPPIE #1
                         I'd like a medium latte for here.

                                     REBECCA
                         Can I get you a biscotti to go with 
                         that?

                                     YUPPIE #1
                         NO! Just the latte.

               Enid is next wearing a RUBBER BONDAGE MASK with devil horns.

                                     ENID (V.O.)
                         Give me all your money, bitch!

                                     REBECCA
                         Where did you get that?

                                     ENID
                         You won't believe it! Guess!

                                     REBECCA
                         Where?

                                     ENID
                         Anthony's II!

                                     REBECCA
                         No way... when?

                                     ENID
                         Just now... I went with Seymour.

                                     REBECCA
                         You cunt!

               FELDMAN is in line behind Enid. He's a poodle-haired, fedora 
               wearing eccentric in a motorized wheelchair-golf cart 
               contraption.

                                     FELDMAN
                         Excuse me - I can't read the trivia 
                         question!

               Enid is in the way. She reads it to him.

                                     ENID
                         "Where on the human body is the 
                         'Douglas Pouch' located?"

               Feldman grunts and starts to tap away on his powerbook while 
               Rebecca, rolling her eyes, goes to get his coffee. A DIGITAL 
               GRAPHIC of the FEMALE FORM on his computer screen. With a 
               few keyboard strokes he zeroes in on a schematic of the 
               REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. An area behind the cervix BLINKS.

                                     FELDMAN
                         Slightly below the uterus on a female.

               He takes his coffee and putters towards the door.

                                     ENID
                         That guy is totally amazing.

                                     REBECCA
                         He does that every single day.

                                     YUPPIE #2
                         Can I get a decaf mocha to go?

                                     REBECCA
                         Can I get you a...

                                     YUPPIE #2
                         NO, I don't want a biscotti with 
                         that.

               YUPPIE #2 pays and leaves.

                                     ENID
                         God, how can you stand all these 
                         assholes?

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't know... Some people are okay, 
                         but mostly I feel like poisoning 
                         everybody.

                                     ENID
                         At least the wheelchair guy is sort 
                         of entertaining...

                                     REBECCA
                         He's a total asshole... He doesn't 
                         even need that wheelchair, he's just 
                         totally lazy!

                                     ENID
                         That rules!

                                     REBECCA
                         No, it doesn't. You'll see... you 
                         get totally sick of all the creeps 
                         and losers and weirdos.

                                     ENID
                         But those are our people...

                                     REBECCA
                         Yeah, well...
                              (pause)
                         So when are you going to get your 
                         job?

                                     ENID
                         I'm working on it... I've got a few 
                         leads... it's just that right now I 
                         have, all these projects that take 
                         up all my time.

                                     REBECCA
                         Like what?

                                     ENID
                         Nothing. Don't worry... I promise 
                         I'll get a job next week.

                                     REBECCA
                              (pause)
                         God, I can't believe you went to 
                         Anthony's without me.

               INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Enid and her dad are eating breakfast. A 13" TV sits on the 
               kitchen counter behind them.

                                     TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
                              (sincere)
                         Hope comes in all forms. To the 
                         endangered white stork searching for 
                         wetlands it comes in the form of a 
                         sanctuary provided by people who 
                         care. Do people care? Chevron does. 
                         That's why at Chevron we're just as 
                         concerned...

                                     DAD
                         Are you still looking for a job? Do 
                         you have any leads?

                                     ENID
                         Will you get off my back for once?

                                     DAD
                         It's tough to find a good job without 
                         any kind of training.

                                     ENID
                         Look, I told you I'm not going to 
                         college.

                                     DAD
                         Well, I think it's good to keep all 
                         your options open. You can always 
                         enroll for the winter quarter.  You 
                         could even live here and go to the 
                         city college part time, and still 
                         get a job if you wanted to.

                                     ENID
                         Look at me -- I'm not even listening 
                         to a word you're saying.

               Pause.

                                     DAD
                         Did I tell you who I ran into at the 
                         bagel place?

                                     ENID
                              (reading cereal box)
                         Who?

                                     DAD
                         Guess.

                                     ENID
                         How should I know?

                                     DAD
                         Someone from the past.

                                     ENID
                         Who?

                                     DAD
                         Give up?

                                     ENID
                         YES.

                                     DAD
                         Maxine.

                                     ENID
                         Not the Maxine?

                                     DAD
                         Yup.

                                     ENID
                         God, how horrifying.

               INT. COLLEGE COFFEE HOUSE DAY

               Enid and Rebecca sit in a semi-crowded college hang-out.

                                     REBECCA
                         ...you don't have to make a million 
                         dollars -- just get any stupid job 
                         so we can at least start looking for 
                         an apartment.

                                     ENID
                              (thoughtful pause)
                         I wonder if I hang around with you 
                         because you're like my surrogate 
                         mother figure or something. Like I 
                         have this subconscious biological 
                         need to be nagged and bitched at 
                         constantly.

                                     REBECCA
                         You hang out with me because nobody 
                         else can stand to be around you.

                                     ENID
                         Or maybe... did you ever think that 
                         deep down we really might be lesbos? 
                         Maybe that's why we spend so much 
                         time together.

                                     REBECCA
                         You're gross.
                              (pause)
                         See that guy?

                                     ENID
                         Which one?

                                     REBECCA
                         He gives me a total boner!

                                     ENID
                         He's like the biggest idiot of all 
                         time!

               The guy, a COLLEGE SOPHOMORE, walks by them with two friends.

                                     COLLEGE SOPHOMORE
                         Are you guys up for some reggae 
                         tonight?

                                     REBECCA
                         Okay, you're right.

                                     ENID
                              (whispers)
                         Heads up.

               An earnest "ALTERNATIVE-ROCK" GUY approaches Rebecca. He 
               hands her a flyer.

                                     GUY
                         Hey, my band is playing here on Friday 
                         night and uh... there's gonna be a 
                         bunch of cool bands playing and stuff 
                         and you don't have to pay if you 
                         show this flyer at the door... you 
                         should come check it out.

                                     REBECCA
                              (shyly)
                         Thanks...
                              (she looks away)

               Enid takes the flyer from Rebecca.  There are a bunch of 
               bands listed.

                                     ENID
                         Which one is your band?

                                     GUY
                         Alien Autopsy.

                                     ENID
                              (sarcastic)
                         Bitchin'.

                                     GUY
                              (embarrassing pause; 
                              then, to Rebecca)
                         Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you 
                         there...
                              (pause; walks away)

                                     ENID
                         What a dork!

                                     REBECCA
                         You're just jealous.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, right... Believe me, at this 
                         point I'm over the fact that every 
                         single guy likes you better than me!

                                     REBECCA
                         Face it, you hate every single boy 
                         on the face of the earth!

                                     ENID
                         That's not true, I just hate all 
                         these obnoxious, extroverted, pseudo-
                         bohemian losers!
                              (sad pause)
                         Sometimes I think I act so weird 
                         because I'm crazy from sexual 
                         frustration.

                                     REBECCA
                         Haven't you heard about the miracle 
                         of masturbation?

                                     ENID
                              (sighs)
                         ...maybe we should be lesbos...

                                     REBECCA
                         Get away from me!

               INT. ENID'S FANTASY - EVENING

               Starts on full moon in night sky, framed right --

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               ...a dark moonlit room. Enid lies on her stomach in bed. We 
               MOVE IN CLOSER to her head as though entering her thoughts, 
               which slowly fade in: WE MOVE TOWARD a vertical sliver of 
               light -- a cracked-open bathroom door.

               WE MOVE into the bathroom and see Enid taking a shower. Josh 
               enters, dressed in a black suit, holding a large bouquet of 
               flowers. CUT. We start again, exactly as before, only without 
               the flowers. He starts to take off his clothes. CUT. He enters 
               again and gets right in the shower, fully clothed.

               They begin to kiss. After a passionate moment, the door opens. 
               Rebecca stands there, stunned.

               CUT BACK TO:

               We see only the slightest trace of Enid in the darkness. She 
               sighs.

               INT. ART CLASS - DAY

               CLOSE-UP ON a charcoal portrait of DON KNOTTS.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Who is this, Enid?

                                     ENID
                         It's supposed to be Don Knotts.

                                     ROBERTA
                         And what was your reason for choosing 
                         him as your subject?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I see... interesting...

               She moves on.

                                     ROBERTA
                         What do we have here, Margaret?

                                     MARGARET
                         It's a tampon in a teacup...

               Class GIGGLES.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I can see that... now what can you 
                         tell us about it? First of all, what 
                         kind of sculpture is this?

                                     MARGARET
                         It's a "found object"... that's when 
                         an artist takes an ordinary object 
                         and places it in an artistic context 
                         and thus it becomes art.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Very good. Now, what can you tell us 
                         about it in regard to your artistic 
                         intent?

                                     MARGARET
                         I guess I see the teacup as a symbol 
                         for womanhood, because of tea parties 
                         in the olden days, but instead of 
                         tea I was trying to kind of confront 
                         people with this... like...

                                     ROBERTA
                         This shocking image of repressed 
                         femininity!

                                     MARGARET
                         Right, exactly!

                                     ROBERTA
                         I think it's really a wonderful piece, 
                         Margaret!

               Enid gives Margaret another dirty look.

                                     ROBERTA
                         This illustrates perfectly what I 
                         was saying about not being afraid to 
                         use controversial imagery, class...

               EXT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - DUSK

               Seymour drives. Enid plays with the radio stopping on an 
               obnoxious AM Disc Jockey.

                                     DISC JOCKEY
                         KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful 
                         evening.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         God, that asshole's voice is so 
                         hateful! No wonder I never listen to 
                         the radio!

                                     ENID
                              (shutting it off)
                         Relax, Seymour, relax...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         That thing is just so shrill and 
                         piercing and loud - it's like someone 
                         jabbing me in the face!
                              (imitating insincere 
                              DJ voice)
                         KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful 
                         evening...

               She changes the subject and holds up a 78 record.

                                     ENID
                         So, why did you bring this along?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I brought it for him to autograph.  
                         He's going to be amazed to see it - 
                         it's one of two known copies... I 
                         can't believe they have him for the 
                         opening act and not the headliner.  
                         What an insult!

                                     ENID
                         This bar's going to be packed with 
                         girls for you to pick from.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm not holding my breath in that 
                         department.

               Seymour waits at a stop sign for two OBLIVIOUS OVERWEIGHT 
               WOMEN, each with TODDLERS and baby carriages, to cross..

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What are we, in slow motion here?!  
                         What are ya, hypnotized? Have some 
                         more kids, why don't you?... For 
                         Christ's sake, would you move!?

                                     ENID
                         Jesus, Seymour.

               EXT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT

               A marquee reads, "TONITE: BLUESHAMMER also FRED CHATMAN"

               INT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT

               FRED CHATMAN, age 82, plays an acoustic blues number. He's 
               good, but he's being politely ignored for the most part by 
               the TWENTY-SOMETHING PATRONS. Most of them are more interested 
               in a baseball game showing on a big-screen TV.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I can't believe these people! They 
                         could at least turn off their stupid 
                         sports game until he's done playing!

               FRED finishes to POLITE APPLAUSE. An M.C. takes the mic.

                                     M.C.
                         Let's hear it for Fred Chatman.
                              (a little more APPLAUSE)
                         Hey don't go away because we've got 
                         Blueshammer coming up in just a 
                         minute!

               A CUTE GIRL, mid-20's, stands near their table sipping her 
               drink. Enid nods in her direction for Seymour's benefit as 
               if to say, "check it out."

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yes, that would certainly do...

                                     ENID
                         Well, offer her a seat! You want me 
                         to do it?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Wait a minute! Hang on! Jesus, I 
                         gotta think of something to talk to 
                         her about. No! No...

                                     ENID
                         Just wait here.

               Enid gets up before Seymour can stop her and talks to CUTE 
               GIRL who looks back at Seymour and smiles. She goes to join 
               him. Enid walks off in the direction of the bar, giving 
               Seymour a "thumbs up."

                                     CUTE GIRL
                         Hi.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Hello. Uh... that was great music, 
                         huh?

                                     CUTE GIRL
                              (sitting down)
                         Yeah, I just love blues.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Actually, technically what he was 
                         mostly playing would more accurately 
                         be classified in the "ragtime" idiom. 
                         Although of course not in the 
                         strictest sense of the more classical 
                         ragtime piano music like that of 
                         Scott Joplin or Joseph Lamb. Authentic 
                         Blues has a more conventional twelve-
                         bar structure in its stanzas.

                                     CUTE GIRL
                         Oh if you like authentic blues, you've 
                         just gotta see Blueshammer!  They're 
                         so great!

               ANGLE ON: Enid standing alone at the bar. We see Seymour and 
               Cute Girl from her POV. Her gaze drifts to the other people 
               in the bar. WE MOVE OVER the faces of all the guys and stop 
               on a skinny, introverted-looking guy with a pool-cue. He 
               makes a shot and instantly goes into an ostentatious cue 
               twirling routine. Her gaze drifts on.

               She sees herself in a mirror behind the bar and takes off 
               her hat reconfiguring her hair. She reaches into her purse 
               and puts on a bulkier pair of glasses. This is interrupted 
               by BLUESHAMMER taking the stage. Young, white, cocky, pretty 
               boys.

                                     LANCE
                              (LEAD SINGER)
                         All right people! Are you ready to 
                         BOOGIE? Cuz we gwine play you some 
                         authentic, way-down-in-the-delta 
                         blues to rock your world! One, Two, 
                         Three...

               A din of loud noise. CUTE GIRL immediately leaps to her feet, 
               boogeying to the music.

               Several horny ALPHA MALES press in on Seymour (who's still 
               sitting), spilling his drink as they vie to dance with her.

               Seymour extricates himself from the table and walks toward 
               the bar where Enid sits.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What did you tell that girl?

                                     ENID
                         I told her you were a big record 
                         executive and you were thinking of 
                         signing that band to your label.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Jesus...

               INT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - NIGHT

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Now I remember why I haven't gone 
                         anywhere in months. I'm not even in 
                         the same universe as those creatures 
                         back there. I might as well be from 
                         another planet.

                                     ENID
                         We just need to figure out a place 
                         where you can meet somebody who isn't 
                         a total idiot, that's all.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Look, I really appreciate your help, 
                         Enid, but let's face it, this is 
                         hopeless.

                                     ENID
                         It's not hopeless...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, well it's simple for everybody 
                         else - give 'em a Big Mac and a pair 
                         of Nikes and they're happy! I just 
                         can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, well, I can't relate to humanity 
                         either, but I don't think it's totally 
                         hopeless...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         But it's not totally hopeless for 
                         you... I've had it. I don't even 
                         have the energy to try anymore.  You 
                         should make sure you do the exact 
                         opposite of everything I do so you 
                         don't end up like me...

                                     ENID
                         I'd rather end up like you than those 
                         people at that stupid bar...  At 
                         least you're an interesting person... 
                         at least you're not exactly like 
                         everybody else...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Hooray for me.

               INT. SEYMOUR'S APT. - NIGHT

               Enid walks in behind Seymour.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm not sure I have anything to 
                         drink... there might be some --

                                     ENID
                         It doesn't matter, I'm not staying 
                         long... I just want to make sure I 
                         convince you not to give up yet.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         "Yet."

               INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               They both have drinks now. He puts on a jazz record, an 
               instrumental.

                                     ENID
                              (picks up an antique 
                              knick knack)
                         Wow, this is so cool...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         If you don't mind my asking -- why 
                         do you care so much if I get a date 
                         or not?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... because I can't stand the 
                         idea of a world where a guy like you 
                         can't get a date...

               Enid finds a PAINTING leaning in a pile of stuff against the 
               wall in the corner. It's an old-fashioned cartoony stereotype 
               of a black man's head, with big lips and a huge toothy smile.

                                     ENID
                         What the fuck, Seymour?! What is 
                         this?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What?... Oh that... I borrowed that 
                         from work about fifteen years ago... 
                         I guess it's mine now.

                                     ENID
                         What, are you a klansman or something?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, right, I'm a klansman - thanks 
                         a lot!... Do you know the Cook's 
                         Chicken franchise?

                                     ENID
                              (quoting TV commercial 
                              in deep voice)
                         "Four-piece Cook's special deep fried 
                         with side n' slaw it's OUT RAY-GEOUS"!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, well "Cook's" is just a made 
                         up name. When they originally opened 
                         back in 1922 they were named "The 
                         Coon Chicken Inn" -- that's an early 
                         painting of their first logo.

               He takes out a scrapbook.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm obsessed with all this stuff - 
                         this lost culture of the 20th century.

               She looks through the scrapbook - we see the Coon Chicken 
               logo transform first into a less stereotyped black man, then 
               into an older distinguished black chef with the logo "Cook's 
               Chicken Inn." Then to a white version of the same chef, 
               followed by a female white chef, then to a streamlined 90's 
               version. On another page is a collection of cosmetic labels 
               tracing the design evolution of a different company.

                                     ENID
                         Why doesn't everybody know this?

               The record ends. Seymour gets up to take it off the turntable.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (somewhat bitterly)
                         It's ancient history. The same reason 
                         nobody knows about this Lionel Belasco 
                         record.

               He puts on another record.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Actually, I was a whole lot more 
                         interested in the Cook's phenomenon 
                         when I was about your age. I've kind 
                         of lost interest since I've been 
                         working for them...

                                     ENID
                         You work at Cook's Chicken?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         For nineteen years...

                                     ENID
                         What are you, a fry cook or something?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Nothing so glamorous... actually, 
                         I'm an assistant manager at their 
                         corporate headquarters.

                                     ENID
                         Jesus, I'd go nuts if I had to work 
                         in an office all day.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Hey, I get good benefits, a good 
                         early retirement plan, nobody ever 
                         bothers me...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, but still...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I make enough money to eat and buy 
                         old records... what more do I want?

               Enid puts down the scrapbook, stares at the painting.

                                     ENID
                         So, I don't really get it -- are you 
                         saying that things were better back 
                         then
                              (points at painting)
                         even though there was stuff like 
                         this?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No, in a lot of ways things are better 
                         now... I dunno... it's complicated. 
                         Everybody still hates each other, 
                         but they know how to hide it better, 
                         or something...

                                     ENID
                              (suddenly)
                         Hey, can I borrow this?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What? Why?

                                     ENID
                         I promise I'll take good care of it.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I dunno... they're very sensitive at 
                         work about all this stuff. Maybe it 
                         would be better if you --

                                     ENID
                         Don't you trust me, Seymour?

               INT. ART CLASS - DAY

               We see another wall of student art dominated this time by 
               Enid's (Seymour's) 3' x 4' painting.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Let's address some discussion to 
                         this piece.

                                     SNOTTY GIRL
                         I don't like it.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Can you tell us why?

                                     SNOTTY GIRL
                         I don't know.

                                     HIPPY-ISH BOY
                         I think it's totally weak.

                                     BLACK GIRL
                         Yeah, it's not right.

               More kids respond at once. Even Margaret is confused.

                                     ROBERTA
                         These are all valid comments, but I 
                         think we should see if the artist 
                         has anything to bring to this.

                                     ENID
                         Well, I got the idea when I was doing 
                         some research and I discovered that 
                         Cook's Chicken used to be called 
                         Coon's Chicken, and so I decided to 
                         do my project based on this discovery 
                         as kind of a comment on racism... 
                         and the way racism is whitewashed 
                         over in our culture...

                                     ROBERTA
                         Did you actually do this painting?

                                     ENID
                         Well, no - it's more like a "found 
                         art object."

                                     ROBERTA
                         And how do you think this addresses 
                         the subject of racism?

                                     ENID
                         It's complicated... I guess I'm trying 
                         to show how racism used to -- more 
                         out in the open and now it's hidden, 
                         or something...

                                     ROBERTA
                         And how does an image like this help 
                         us to see that?

                                     ENID
                         I'm not sure... I mean...
                              (thinks)
                         I guess because when we see something 
                         like this it seems really shocking 
                         and we have to figure out why it's 
                         so shocking?

               A long pause as Roberta and the class stare at the painting.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I don't really know what to say, 
                         Enid...
                              (another over-long 
                              pause)
                         ...It's a remarkable achievement.

               INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING

               Enid is lying on her back with her head on Rebecca's stomach.

               Both stare blankly at the ceiling.

                                     REBECCA
                         Are you kidding? It's a dream job!  
                         I can't believe you got a job like 
                         that without even trying... God, I 
                         wish that was my job...

                                     ENID
                              (trying to generate 
                              some enthusiasm)
                         Yeah, maybe it'll be okay. At least 
                         I'll get to see every movie for free, 
                         I guess... I had to lie and tell 
                         them I already graduated...

                                     REBECCA
                         When are you finally going to get 
                         your diploma?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno, but next week is my last 
                         class...

                                     REBECCA
                         Anyway, now we can start looking for 
                         the apartment...
                              (waits for some 
                              response from Enid, 
                              but there is none)
                         Do you remember when we first came 
                         up with that whole idea of renting 
                         our own apartment?

                                     ENID
                         Wasn't it like eighth grade?

                                     REBECCA
                         Seventh... you wanted to move out 
                         right then!

                                     ENID
                         That must have been when my dad was 
                         married to Maxine...

                                     REBECCA
                         I remember our big plan was as soon 
                         as we got the apartment we were going 
                         to trick Daniel Dusentrieb into coming 
                         over and then fuck him.

                                     ENID
                         We were such desperate sluts back 
                         then.

               INT. PACIFIC THEATER - AFTERNOON

               Enid is behind the candy counter dressed in a brown and orange 
               uniform.

                                     MANAGER
                         I'm gonna let you handle the four 
                         thirty crowd by yourself - that way 
                         I can evaluate your performance while 
                         it's slow and ease you into the bigger 
                         crowds.

                                     ENID
                         You can count on me, sir!

               A customer, an ALCOHOLIC LOSER, approaches the candy counter.

                                     LOSER
                         Do you serve beer or any alcohol?

                                     ENID
                         I wish!... actually you wish... after 
                         about five minutes of this movie 
                         you'll wish to God you had about ten 
                         beers!

               LOSER stares blankly, hesitates, then goes into theater.

                                     MANAGER
                              (pulling her aside)
                         What are you doing? You don't ever 
                         criticize the feature!

                                     ENID
                         Why? What difference does it make?  
                         You already got his money...

                                     MANAGER
                         Look, that's the policy... if you 
                         want to make up your own rules you 
                         can open your own theater...

                                     ENID
                         But I was only trying to be 
                         friendly...

                                     MANAGER
                         Look, we don't pay you to be a movie 
                         critic -- just do your job.

                                     ENID
                         Okay, okay... I won't say a word...

               ANOTHER ANGLE - an hour has gone by.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Medium popcorn.

                                     ENID
                         That's three dollars.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Let me have plenty of butter on that.

                                     ENID
                         Ewww!...
                              (making a face)
                         Here you go -- smothered in delicious 
                         yellow-chemical sludge!

                                     MANAGER
                              (pulling her aside)
                         What the hell is wrong with you?!

                                     ENID
                         What? I'm just kidding around with 
                         the customers... It's my shtick!

                                     MANAGER
                         Well lose it! And why aren't you 
                         pushing the large sizes? Didn't you 
                         get training about upsizing?

                                     ENID
                         But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.

                                     MANAGER
                         It's not optional!

                                     ENID
                         Jesus...

                                     CUSTOMER #2
                         Can I get a medium sprite?

                                     ENID
                         A medium sprite? Why sir, do you not 
                         know that for a mere twenty five 
                         cents more you could purchase a large 
                         beverage that has a volume of over 
                         twice that of a puny medium drink?
                              (she gives MANAGER a 
                              look)
                         ...I'm only telling you this because 
                         we're such good friends -- Medium is 
                         strictly for suckers who don't 
                         understand the concept of value!

               INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY

               Rebecca is behind the counter glaring at Enid.

                                     REBECCA
                         What are you talking about? What 
                         kind of loser gets fired after one 
                         day?!

                                     ENID
                         I told you - my manager was a total 
                         asshole! Don't worry, I'm going to 
                         get another job... and anyway, I 
                         have some ideas for how to make money 
                         in the meantime...

               An angry CUSTOMER returns with her drink.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         I'm not at all happy with this latte 
                         what do you intend to do about it?

               EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

               It's the next day. Enid has set up a GARAGE SALE in front of 
               her apartment building. Rebecca arrives.

                                     REBECCA
                         This is it? I can't believe you're 
                         selling some of this stuff.

                                     ENID
                         Fuck it. Everything must go!

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh my god, I remember this hat... 
                         this was during your little old lady 
                         phase...

               A trendy young HIPSTER happens along and looks through the 
               clothes, then to the table where he picks up a ridiculous 
               looking stuffed animal.

                                     HIPSTER
                         How much is this?

                                     ENID
                         That's not for sale.

                                     HIPSTER
                              (noticing price tag)
                         Wait, it says five dollars...

                                     ENID
                         Oh, that's a mistake -- I decided 
                         not to sell it...

               The HIPSTER looks around a little more and then leaves.

                                     REBECCA
                         What was that all about? I thought 
                         everything must go!

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah right, like I'm gonna let 
                         some asshole with a goatee own Goofy 
                         Gus.

               A couple is browsing. The GIRL, a severely skinny, CLUBHOPPER 
               TYPE in platform shoes looks at the clothes; the BOY, a long 
               haired SKATEBOARDER, goes through her records.

                                     GIRL
                         How much is this dress?

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh my god, you're selling that?

                                     ENID
                              (long pause)
                         That's five hundred dollars.

                                     GIRL
                         What?

                                     ENID
                         Five hundred.

                                     GIRL
                         You're crazy -- it should be like 
                         two dollars!

                                     ENID
                         I was wearing that dress the day I 
                         lost my virginity.

                                     GIRL
                         Well why do I care about that?

                                     ENID
                         Why do you even want it? It would 
                         look stupid on you.

                                     GIRL
                         God, fuck you!

               Enid turns to the boy - he's holding some records and a book.

                                     ENID
                         Put that stuff back, it's not for 
                         sale.

                                     BOY
                         What is this? Some fuckin' joke?

                                     ENID
                         Yes! Go away!

               They stomp off.

                                     REBECCA
                         Now are you going to get a regular 
                         job?

                                     ENID
                              (defeated, quiet)
                         Don't worry.

                                     REBECCA
                         If it makes you feel any better, I 
                         don't think you could've gotten more 
                         than ten bucks for all this stuff.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, thanks.

               EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY

               Twenty minutes later. Most of the stuff is gone. Enid packs 
               up one last box to carry inside.

                                     REBECCA
                         Do you want to do something tonight?

                                     ENID
                         I can't, it's Seymour's birthday...
                              (suddenly)
                         Shit! What time is it?  I have to go 
                         to the store! I was going to make 
                         him a cake...

                                     REBECCA
                              (miffed, sighs)
                         Well, are we still going shopping 
                         tomorrow?

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, I guess... call me...

               She heads toward the stairs with the box. Rebecca watches 
               her go.

                                     REBECCA
                         Since when can you make a cake?

               INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - EVENING

               Enid presents Seymour with a HOSTESS CUPCAKE with a single 
               lit candle in the center. The lights are off.

                                     ENID
                         You can open your eyes now.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh... uh, thanks a lot Enid... I 
                         really appreciate it...

                                     ENID
                         No, Doofus... blow it out!

               He leans forward and blows out the candle, then abruptly 
               straightens up and holds the small of his back in pain. Enid 
               turns the lights back on.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Arrrghhh! Ah Jeez... Christ...

                                     ENID
                         Are you okay?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         It's just my stupid back. I'll be 
                         all right in a minute...

               She notices him adjust something under his shirt.

                                     ENID
                         What is that?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh... uh... It's just this elastic 
                         thing I have to wear for lumbar 
                         support...

                                     ENID
                         What, like a girdle?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Maybe now you understand why I can't 
                         get a date.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, well, you're not the only one.  
                         Everybody I know has totally fucked 
                         up problems... It seems like only 
                         stupid people have good 
                         relationships...

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (sarcastically cheering 
                              her on)
                         That's the spirit!

                                     ENID
                         I mean, I'm eighteen years old and 
                         I've never even had a real, steady 
                         boyfriend for more than like two 
                         weeks!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Really?

                                     ENID
                         Never...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm starting to think that even if I 
                         did get a girlfriend it really 
                         wouldn't change anything.

                                     ENID
                         I know. It's not like it makes all 
                         your problems go away.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Then again, that's easy for me to 
                         say, since I'll never even get a 
                         date. I'm sure you have hundreds of 
                         guys who are interested in you.

                                     ENID
                         Actually, I've got a total crush on 
                         this one guy right now, but it's a 
                         really fucked-up situation...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh yeah?

                                     ENID
                         Oh wait, you met him... remember 
                         that guy Josh? I'm like practically 
                         obsessed with him, but I can't do 
                         anything about it because Becky would 
                         freak out.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Why?

                                     ENID
                         Never mind, it's way too 
                         complicated...
                              (pause)
                         Did you have problems like this when 
                         you were my age - where you're totally 
                         confused all the time?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I won't even dignify that with a 
                         response.

               He gets up and looks through his shelves for a record.

                                     ENID
                              (looking at his records)
                         I wonder if you really like all these 
                         old records or if you only like the 
                         fact that nobody else likes them?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (a sore subject)
                         Who knows?

               The phone RINGS. Seymour ignores it.

                                     ENID
                         Aren't you going to get that?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Let the machine get it. I have no 
                         desire to talk to anyone who would 
                         be calling me...

               After several more RINGS the machine picks up and we hear 
               Seymour's message. After the BEEP there's a long fumbling 
               pause...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I knew it... it's my mother.

                                     VOICE ON MACHINE
                         Uh... HI!  Uh... I'm calling for... 
                         um... you placed an ad in the Weekly 
                         over a month ago and... well, I'm 
                         the redhead in the yellow dress... 
                         at least I think I am... I saw the 
                         ad when you first placed it but I 
                         was in this relationship at the time 
                         so I cut it out, and now I'm not in 
                         the relationship anymore...
                              (giggles)
                         God, this is really confusing... 
                         anyway, if you still want to talk to 
                         me I can be reached at KL5-2603, 
                         that's my work number and my name is 
                         Dana... um... BYE!

                                     ENID
                         Wow!
                              (feigning ignorance)
                         What was that all about?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         It's just somebody's idea of a joke...

                                     ENID
                         That didn't sound like a joke to 
                         me... what, did you write a personal 
                         ad or something?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (still confused)
                         Uh yeah. A long time ago... she called 
                         before once... it's just somebody 
                         trying to humiliate me.

                                     ENID
                         Seymour! I promise you that wasn't a 
                         joke -- you have to call her back!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         How can you be so sure?

                                     ENID
                         Well, uh... I'm an expert-about stuff 
                         like this -- she was totally for 
                         real!

               INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - ABOUT 10 PM

               Enid enters - a light is on in the kitchen.

                                     DAD (O.S.)
                         Pumpkin? Could you come in here for 
                         a minute?

               She walks slowly to the kitchen - a suspenseful moment. She 
               sees, first, her Dad (wearing an apron) and then, a hauntingly 
               familiar MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.

                                     DAD
                         Pumpkin, do you remember Maxine?

                                     MAXINE
                         Hi, Enid.

                                     ENID
                         Hi.
                              (to Dad)
                         Look, I'm kind of tired - I think 
                         I'll go to bed.

                                     DAD
                         I made spaghetti. Do you want some?

                                     ENID
                         I-I really have to get up early for 
                         class tomorrow.

                                     MAXINE
                         It's really quite something to see 
                         you all grown up like this, Enid.
                              (no response from 
                              Enid)
                         I'd love to hear about what you're 
                         doing. I can't help but feel that I 
                         had some small part in how you turned 
                         out...
                              (another silent pause)
                         What are you studying? You were always 
                         such a smart little girl.

                                     ENID
                         I'm taking a remedial high school 
                         art class for fuck-ups and retards.

               INT. ART CLASS - DAY

               A toothy, zit-covered 14-YEAR-OLD BOY poses with a very poorly-
               made sculpture. A flash goes off and he jumps slightly, 
               sending pieces of his sculpture flying.

               It's Roberta, taking photos. She moves on to Enid, in front 
               of her big painting.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Smile, Enid...

               Enid ad-libs a weird expression as... the flash goes off.

               Roberta now turns to address the class.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I'm going to miss you people... I 
                         feel that we've all done a lot of 
                         growing this summer. I hope that 
                         each of you feels as though you'll 
                         be taking away something from this 
                         experience; I know I certainly will 
                         be...

               A long "poignant" pause as she smiles admiringly at them.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Remember, the art show is this 
                         Saturday at seven-thirty sharp. Try 
                         to get there at least 15 minutes 
                         early.

               The students get their things together and file out.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Enid, can I talk to you for a minute?

                                     ENID
                         Uh-oh.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Don't worry - it's nothing bad. I 
                         was just wondering what your plans 
                         were for next year?

                                     ENID
                         I'm not really sure - working, I 
                         guess...

                                     ROBERTA
                         Well, I know this is really short 
                         notice, but I got a call from a very 
                         close friend at the Academy of Art & 
                         Design and she tells me that I'm 
                         allowed to place one student from 
                         your graduating class in a one year 
                         scholarship program... and, well, I 
                         hope you don't mind, Enid, but I 
                         took the liberty of submitting your 
                         name.

               She gives her a booklet and an application form.

                                     ENID
                         Hmm.

                                     ROBERTA
                         As far as I know it includes housing 
                         and meals and everything... it is 
                         really quite an offer...

                                     ENID
                         ...wow...

                                     ROBERTA
                              (pause)
                         So what do you think?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... Would I have to take 
                         classes and stuff?

                                     ROBERTA
                         Well, yes...

                                     ENID
                         I...

                                     ROBERTA
                         Let me know as soon as you can, Enid. 
                         This could be a great thing for you.

               INT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - DAY

               Enid & Rebecca are in a Crate & Barrel-type store looking at 
               housewares.

                                     ENID
                         I think one of us should fuck Josh...

                                     REBECCA
                         Go ahead...

                                     ENID
                         No, really...

                                     REBECCA
                         God, you're really obsessed...

                                     ENID
                         I am not -- I just think it'd be 
                         funny to see what he'd do...

                                     REBECCA
                         I thought we decided that Josh was 
                         way too cool to be interested in 
                         sex, and that he's the only decent 
                         person left in the world and we would 
                         never want to bring him down to our 
                         level and all that...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, but maybe one of us should at 
                         least try...

                                     REBECCA
                         No matter what happened it would be 
                         a big disaster... Let's just try and 
                         keep everything the way it is.

               Rebecca spots some particularly fetching dishware.

                                     REBECCA
                         Look, we have to get these...

                                     ENID
                         I can't afford stuff like this right 
                         now.

                                     REBECCA
                         I'm sick of waiting - we need to 
                         start getting stuff if we're ever 
                         going to move.
                              (pause, sees towels)
                         Aren't these the greatest towels?

                                     ENID
                         Why do you care about this kind of 
                         stuff?

                                     REBECCA
                         Don't you want nice stuff?

                                     ENID
                         I can't imagine spending money on 
                         towels.

                                     REBECCA
                         You don't have to. I'll pay for all 
                         the stuff right now and you can pay 
                         me back when you finally get a job.

                                     ENID
                         You're insane.

                                     REBECCA
                         Do you still want to go to that thing 
                         tonight?

                                     ENID
                         What thing?

                                     REBECCA
                         That guy's band is playing tonight... 
                         Alien Autopsy.

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah... maybe... Seymour's going 
                         on his big date tonight and I kind 
                         of want to be around when he calls, 
                         so I can hear how bad it went.

                                     REBECCA
                         God, I'm so sick of Seymour.

               INT. DANA'S APARTMENT - EVENING

               Seymour is just finishing the dinner DANA has cooked for 
               them at her place. Dana is an attractive redhead, about 40.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         That was great - jeez, thanks again 
                         for cooking all this.

                                     DANA
                         Oh I love to cook. I guess most women 
                         wouldn't invite a man over on the 
                         first date, but I believe you should 
                         trust your instincts. When I talked 
                         to you on the phone you just seemed 
                         so... I don't know... harmless. Ready 
                         for ice cream?

               Dana heads for the kitchen. Seymour gets up to relieve his 
               backache. He walks over to a framed photo on the wall.

                                     DANA
                         Here we are... it's mocha mint from 
                         Lickety Splits. Oh, isn't that 
                         photograph just heart-rending?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah ... where is this? Bosnia?

                                     DANA
                         Was it Bosnia? I forget...
                              (pause)
                         It's so sad, the tragedy of an entire 
                         country eloquently captured in the 
                         face of one little boy.
                              (pause)
                         A Soul/Funk song starts up on the 
                         radio that catches her attention. 
                         She goes over and turns it up.

                                     DANA
                         Oh, I just love this song! Isn't it 
                         great? Doesn't it make you want to 
                         dance? C'mon!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh, well, that's okay - I don't dance, 
                         heh, heh...

                                     DANA
                         Don't be silly, anyone can dance.  
                         Here, just follow me... watch my 
                         feet.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No, really I --

               She drags him around. He's still holding his ice cream.

                                     DANA
                         C'mon Seymour, it's all in your mind. 
                         Just loosen up and feel the music! 
                         Here, put down your bowl of ice cream.

               She takes his ice cream and puts it on a table.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (checking his watch)
                         Hey, it's nearly nine already - we're 
                         gonna have to leave now if we're 
                         going to make that movie.

                                     DANA
                         Oh, all right... Party-pooper! Just 
                         let me put a few things away.

               She shuts off the stereo as he sits and eats his ice cream.

                                     DANA
                         I'm so excited to see this film - 
                         Dustoffvarnya is such a brilliant 
                         director! Did you see his last film, 
                         The Flower That Drank The Moon? It 
                         was simply glorious!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh, no. I missed that one. But what 
                         do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy 
                         movies.

                                     DANA
                         Really? I never really cared for 
                         those. Why does the fat one always 
                         have to be so mean to the skinny 
                         one?

               INT. ENID'S ROOM - EVENING

               It's 9:30 PM. Enid is drawing in her sketchbook. She looks 
               impatiently at the phone. Time passes - it's 11 PM. She can't 
               stand it anymore.

               INT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               Seymour picks up the phone. Dana is in the background getting 
               some ice in the kitchen.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh... hello?

                                     ENID
                         Hi, it's me...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh, hi...

                                     ENID
                         So, what happened?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (almost whispering)
                         Actually, it's kind of still 
                         happening... she's over here right 
                         now... I think everything's going 
                         pretty well...

                                     ENID
                         What? You're kidding me...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, so I better go -- it's not 
                         really the best time to talk...

                                     ENID
                         What, are you going to like have sex 
                         with her on your first date?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Jesus, Enid... I'll talk to you 
                         later... bye!

               He hangs up. Enid is stunned... Now what? She calls Rebecca.

               INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Rebecca is sitting on the couch in her pajamas when the phone 
               RINGS. She picks it up.

                                     REBECCA
                         Hello?

                                     ENID
                         Do you still want to do something 
                         tonight?

                                     REBECCA
                         What happened to Seymour?

                                     ENID
                              (still shocked by 
                              this)
                         I can't believe it - he actually 
                         scored!

                                     REBECCA
                         How repulsive!

                                     ENID
                         So should I come over?

                                     REBECCA
                         Actually, I'm just about to go out 
                         with some friends...

                                     ENID
                         What are you talking about? Who?

                                     REBECCA
                         Just some people from work...

                                     ENID
                         I don't believe you.

                                     REBECCA
                         Yeah well, you said you were busy... 
                         look, I'd better get going... I'll 
                         call you tomorrow.

               Rebecca hangs up. Clearly, she's not going anywhere.

               EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

               Enid stands outside Josh's door. A tentative pause; then she 
               knocks. Josh opens the door, stunned. Enid is wearing an 
               uncharacteristically "sexy" outfit.

                                     JOSH
                         Hi... what's up?

                                     ENID
                         Can I come in?

               INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               She goes in and looks around nervously... the note (Tiffany 
               & Amber) is tacked to the wall.

                                     JOSH
                         Are you the one who left that note?

                                     ENID
                         I guess.

               Pause. Enid sits down on futon/sofa.

                                     JOSH
                         So what's up?

               He picks up half-finished beer and drinks self-consciously.

                                     ENID
                         I don't know... I'm totally 
                         confused...

               Josh doesn't respond - there's another awkward pause.

                                     ENID
                         Sit over here.

               He sits, tentatively. Long pause.

                                     JOSH
                         Do you want something to drink?

                                     ENID
                         Why?

                                     JOSH
                         What do you mean "why"?

                                     ENID
                         Are you trying to get me wasted so 
                         you can take advantage of my womanly 
                         charms?

                                     JOSH
                         Yeah, right...

                                     ENID
                         "Yeah, right"... well why not?  What's 
                         so wrong with me?

                                     JOSH
                         Nothing.

                                     ENID
                         Then why do you hate me so much?

                                     JOSH
                         When did I say I hated you?

                                     ENID
                         You've never once said anything even 
                         remotely nice to me.

                                     JOSH
                         You make me nervous! I always feel 
                         like you're going out of your way to 
                         make me feel uncomfortable so you 
                         can laugh at me!

                                     ENID
                         That's just the way I am!

                                     JOSH
                         Yeah, well --

                                     ENID
                         It's just my stupid way of getting 
                         attention! God, I practically love 
                         you, Josh!

               Stunned pause, then she bravely leans forward and kisses 
               him.  He kisses back but she is clearly the aggressor... 
               they get more and more into it.

                                     ENID
                         Do you have any protection?

               INT. JOSH'S APT. - 1 AM.

               Later, post-coital on the now unfolded futon... Enid lies on 
               her back, Josh is face-down on top of her with his head to 
               the side. Enid has a blank, disillusioned stare.

                                     JOSH
                              (now he's romantic 
                              and sappy)
                         You must have known all along how I -- 
                         you know -- how I felt about you -- 
                         it must be totally obvious...  God... 
                         I always used to dream about this...

                                     ENID
                              (staring ahead)
                         Why do you have that stupid poster?

               INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - DAY

               It's the next morning. Josh is asleep. Enid, fully awake and 
               dressed, sits on the bed looking at him, thoroughly 
               disillusioned. She pulls out a record from his collection 
               and grimaces. She opens a closet door and finds an electric 
               guitar.

                                     JOSH
                              (waking up, groggy, 
                              happily surprised)
                         Oh, hi...

                                     ENID
                         Why do all guys have to play stupid 
                         guitars? It's so typical... Either 
                         they're into cars or guns or sports 
                         or guitars... it's so obvious...

                                     JOSH
                         How long have you been up?

                                     ENID
                         I couldn't sleep... I should get 
                         going; I feel really weird...

                                     JOSH
                         Do you want to go get breakfast 
                         somewhere?

                                     ENID
                         I don't think we should... Look, you 
                         have to totally promise me you won't 
                         tell Becky about this.

                                     JOSH
                         Why not?

                                     ENID
                         Because if you do, I'll kill you!

                                     JOSH
                         Okay... I promise.

                                     ENID
                         Just take my word for it... if she 
                         ever finds out about this I'll never 
                         hear the end of it...

               INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - DAY

               Rebecca is dressed in her best apartment-hunting outfit. She 
               sits on her bed, dialing the phone with the FREE WEEKLY open 
               on her lap. She circles something with her pen while the 
               phone rings.

                                     REBECCA
                         Goddammit, bitch -- where are you?

               INT. ENID'S BEDROOM -DAY

               Enid lies perfectly still on her bed, staring at the ceiling 
               while the phone rings.

               EXT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME

               Establish the restaurant.

               INT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME

               Seymour sits alone eating lunch. We see Enid approach 
               stealthily from behind.

                                     ENID
                         Boo!

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (very startled)
                         YAAA!

               She sits across from him.

                                     ENID
                         Where have you been? I've been looking 
                         all over for you... I've been 
                         wandering the streets day and night 
                         trying to find you...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Really?

                                     ENID
                         No, actually Joe told me you were 
                         here... so how come you never call 
                         me anymore?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I know, I'm sorry... I-I've been 
                         really busy...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, I'll bet! So, how's it going 
                         with what's-her-name? Dana?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (he looks nervously 
                              at his watch)
                         Oh... pretty well, surprisingly... 
                         you know...

                                     ENID
                         So, what kind of stuff do you guys 
                         do together? Is she into old records 
                         and stuff?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Sort of... she doesn't dislike any 
                         of that stuff... she's trying, 
                         anyway... actually, we're supposed 
                         to go antique shopping for her 
                         apartment this afternoon...

                                     ENID
                              (not convinced)
                         Sounds good...

               Seymour looks again at his watch.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         We really should get together sometime 
                         soon... I-I'll definitely call you 
                         this week --

                                     ENID
                         What, are you trying to get rid of 
                         me?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No... no, it's just that I should 
                         get going in a few minutes, and --

                                     ENID
                         Aren't you even going to ask me how 
                         I'm doing?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I-I'm sorry... uh so... uh... how --

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... okay, I guess...
                              (pause)
                         I fucked that guy Josh finally...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         ...so... is he your boyfriend now?

                                     ENID
                         Maybe... I dunno... He wants to be, 
                         of course. I'm weighing several offers 
                         at the present time...

               Suddenly, Dana enters.

                                     DANA
                         Seymour?... uh... hello... I guess 
                         I'm a little early...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Dana! Hi!
                              (pause as the gears 
                              whirl)
                         Uh, Dana... this is Enid...

                                     DANA
                         Hello...

                                     ENID
                         It's great to finally meet you!

               Dana sits next to Seymour, facing Enid.

                                     DANA
                              (looking back and 
                              forth between Enid 
                              and Seymour)
                         How do you two know each other?

                                     ENID
                         I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned me 
                         we're old friends.

                                     DANA
                         Really?

                                     ENID
                         Yes, we're very close... In fact, I 
                         was standing right next to Seymour 
                         the first time you called. If not 
                         for me, he would have never called 
                         you back!

                                     DANA
                         Is that right?

               Seymour begins to stammer some kind of response.

                                     ENID
                              (phony)
                         Oops! Look at the time!  I've got to 
                         run! I'll stop by to see you some 
                         time, Seymour...
                              (then to Dana)
                         It was really great to meet you!

               INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING

               Enid is in her room getting dressed. Dad enters.

                                     DAD
                         I have some good news for you, 
                         Pumpkin.

                                     ENID
                              (sigh)
                         What is it now?

                                     DAD
                         Are you still looking for a job?

                                     ENID
                         I guess.

                                     DAD
                         Well, Maxine thinks she can get you 
                         a sales job at Computer Station.  
                         Normally you have to have references 
                         and at least two years of experience, 
                         but she thinks she can convince them.

                                     ENID
                         Tell her to forget it - I don't need 
                         her help.

               INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - EVENING

               A homemade banner reads: "HIGH SCHOOL ART SHOW - BROTHERHOOD 
               AND COMMUNITY: ART AS DIALOGUE." Along one wall is all the 
               work from Roberta's class: a collection of eccentric abstract 
               bric-a-brac and Enid's large painting. The painting has drawn 
               a small crowd. We see a chain of events beginning with three 
               PARENTS talking to a matronly DIRECTOR/CURATOR who in turn 
               seeks out Roberta (wearing make-up and fancy-ish clothes for 
               the first time).

                                     DIRECTOR
                         I'm afraid you're simply going to 
                         have to take that painting down.  
                         Several of the parents have 
                         complained.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I will do no such thing.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Then you leave me no other choice 
                         than to remove it myself!

               She marches towards it. Roberta runs after her.

                                     ROBERTA
                         I think we should give the artist a 
                         chance to talk to the parents about 
                         her intentions with this piece...  
                         We should be promoting discussion as 
                         a solution, not censorship.

               Roberta sees Margaret and grabs her.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Margaret, have you seen Enid?

               Margaret shrugs "no." ROBERTA looks through the crowd. A 
               college-age news-hack-type with a FREE WEEKLY T-SHIRT snaps 
               a photo of the DIRECTOR removing Enid's painting.

               EXT. SEYMOUR'S APT. BLDG. - EVENING

               Enid, dressed as though for a glamorous date, stands knocking 
               on Seymour's door.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh... uh, hi... What's up?

               INT. SEYMOUR'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS

               Enid worms her way past his unwelcoming stance. Seymour is 
               wearing designer stone-washed denim jeans that look ridiculous 
               on him. Joe can be seen in the kitchen.

                                     ENID
                         I'm going to this stupid art show 
                         and I want you to be my date...  
                         There's something I have to show 
                         you...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I... I don't know. I don't really 
                         think I should...

                                     ENID
                         Of course you should. C'mon, I'm 
                         already a million hours late.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         ...I better not...

                                     ENID
                              (pause)
                         Well forget the art show... let's do 
                         something else.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I... I wish I could, Enid, but I 
                         really can't right now... I -- it's 
                         just that I --

                                     ENID
                         Well when can we do something?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         It's just that, well, you know, Dana 
                         just got out of a really bad 
                         relationship and I don't want to 
                         give her the wrong idea... you know...

                                     JOE
                              (walking by with his 
                              sandwich)
                         Don't mind me, I'll just be in my 
                         room.

                                     ENID
                         Where did you get those pants?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh, uh... they were a present from 
                         Dana.

                                     ENID
                         And you like them?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Well, you know... what do I know 
                         about clothes... I've never been the 
                         most fashionable guy -- it's nice to 
                         have someone do all the work for 
                         me...

                                     ENID
                              (pause)
                         So that's it? You don't ever want to 
                         see me again?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No, of course I do... It's just that 
                         right now I need to --

                                     ENID
                         What's her problem anyway?  Did she 
                         actually tell you you couldn't see 
                         me?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No, no... not exactly... she just 
                         doesn't understand how I would know 
                         somebody like you...

                                     ENID
                         What does she mean by that - "somebody 
                         like me"?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Just someone so young...

                                     ENID
                         You must have done something to make 
                         her think you like me.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I... I don't think so.

                                     ENID
                         Does that mean you don't like me?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No, of course not.

                                     ENID
                              (looks him in the eye)
                         So, do you like me, Seymour?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         In what way do you mean?

                                     ENID
                         In whatever way you think I mean.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (not sure what to 
                              say; long pause)
                         I don't know... I'm sorry, but Dana's 
                         a very jealous person. I just don't 
                         want to screw that up right now... 
                         I'm sure she'll dump me soon and we 
                         can go back to being friends...

                                     ENID
                         I don't think you understand how I 
                         really feel about you, Seymour.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         ...What do you mean?

                                     ENID
                              (pause)
                         Nothing. Don't worry, I won't bother 
                         you any more.

               EXT. ENID'S NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING

               A LONG SHOT of Enid as she walks home alone.

               EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

               Enid & Rebecca walk down the street. Both wear landlord 
               friendly J. Crew outfits.

                                     ENID
                         Where are we? This is a weird 
                         neighborhood...

                                     REBECCA
                         It's a totally normal, average 
                         neighborhood!

                                     ENID
                         I just mean it's weird to me...  
                         I've never been anywhere near here 
                         in my life.

                                     REBECCA
                         Josh says this is a really good 
                         neighborhood...

                                     ENID
                         What? When did you see Josh?!

                                     REBECCA
                         He came into work.

                                     ENID
                         Why? What did he say?

                                     REBECCA
                         Nothing.

                                     ENID
                         When was this?

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't know! God, don't act so 
                         jealous I only talked to him for two 
                         minutes.

               They walk along in conspicuous silence.

                                     REBECCA
                         Twenty-seven fifty-three... do you 
                         see it?
                              (looks around)
                         That must be it...

                                     ENID
                              (without enthusiasm)
                         Great...

                                     REBECCA
                         What?! It looks totally normal... 
                         what's wrong with it?

                                     ENID
                         I said "great"...

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh yeah, I can tell you really love 
                         it!

                                     ENID
                         Well, what am I supposed to say? "I 
                         can't wait to live in some depressing 
                         shit-hole in the middle of nowhere"?!

                                     REBECCA
                         There's something wrong with every 
                         single place we look at! Why don't 
                         you just come right out and tell me 
                         you don't want to move in with me?!

                                     ENID
                         Because you'll freak out and act 
                         like a total psycho about it.

               A few passersby stop to watch.

                                     REBECCA
                         You're the psycho! You haven't been 
                         able to deal with anything since 
                         high school ended!

                                     ENID
                         You're the one who's still living 
                         out some stupid seventh-grade fantasy!

                                     REBECCA
                              (as she walks away 
                              giving her the finger)
                         FUCK YOU! Have fun living with your 
                         dad for the rest of your life!

               INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY

               Enid is on her bed, crying. Her jacket and shoes are strewn 
               about the floor.

                                     ENID
                         God FUCK YOU TOO!

               We see her Dad standing outside her bedroom. As he enters he 
               tries to make enough noise so that she notices him before 
               she really embarrasses herself. She stops crying and pretends 
               to be asleep.

                                     DAD
                         Pumpkin? What's wrong?

                                     ENID
                              (her back to him, 
                              doesn't move)
                         Nothing.

               Dad sits next to her on the bed and puts his hand on her 
               shoulder.

                                     DAD
                         If there's something wrong I wish 
                         you'd tell me about it...

               Enid pulls away from him and sits up on the opposite side of 
               the bed, facing away from him

                                     ENID
                         It's nothing -- it's just some 
                         hormonal thing... don't worry about 
                         it...

                                     DAD
                         I've got some important news to tell 
                         you, but it can wait till later if 
                         you're not feeling...

                                     ENID
                         What?

                                     DAD
                              (speaking slowly and 
                              methodically)
                         Well... as you know, Maxine and I 
                         have been seeing a lot of each other, 
                         and we decided it might be a good 
                         idea for all of us if she came back 
                         here to live at the end of the Summer, 
                         just so we can all get to know each 
                         other and to make sure this is what 
                         we want.

               Enid maintains a poker face for several long seconds before 
               she bursts into tears, utterly defeated.

               INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY

               Enid, determined, walks down the empty halls. She goes into 
               a room marked "Art Class".

               INT. ART CLASS - CONTINUOUS

               Roberta is in there with a bearded EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE.

               They're covering a STUDENT in plaster.

                                     ENID
                         Hi I brought over my application for 
                         the art academy... I hope it's not 
                         too late...

               Roberta, absorbed in her plastering, glances at Enid.

                                     ROBERTA
                         Just a minute...

               Then, realizing who it is...

                                     ROBERTA
                         Enid! I'm so sorry about what 
                         happened.

                                     ENID
                         What do you mean?

                                     ROBERTA
                         The whole business with the art show 
                         and the newspaper -- it's absolutely --

                                     ENID
                         Huh?

                                     ROBERTA
                         Didn't Principal Jaffee call you?

                                     ENID
                         I didn't check my messages...

                                     ROBERTA
                         Oh my goodness... well, the whole 
                         thing is just ridiculous, and as 
                         soon as the school board is back in 
                         session next Fall I'm going to do 
                         everything I can to help you.

                                     ENID
                         Help me what?

                                     ROBERTA
                         Well they're forcing me to give you 
                         a non-passing grade in the class 
                         because of what happened at the 
                         exhibition... but don't worry -- I'm 
                         sure I'll be able to get you your 
                         diploma in the Fall!

                                     ENID
                              (pause, overwhelmed)
                         But... can I still get that 
                         scholarship to the Art Academy?

                                     ROBERTA
                         I'm sorry, Enid - you have to be an 
                         official high school graduate before 
                         I can nominate you.  I had to give 
                         it to someone else...  But I'm sure 
                         next year I can --

               The PLASTER-COVERED STUDENT makes an uncomfortable moaning 
               noise.

                                     EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE
                              (flustered, to Roberta)
                         Hey, can you help me out over here?

               EXT. QUALITY CAFE - EVENING (SAME DAY)

               Enid walks the streets - it's dark out now. She goes by the 
               Cafe - it's CLOSED FOR REMODELING.

               EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - LATER

               She continues walking until she's across the street from 
               Norman's bus stop. She sees him there, as always. Suddenly, 
               a BUS, well-lit from the inside and completely empty, pulls 
               up to the stop and Norman gets on.

               INT. SEYMOUR'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (ABOUT 11 PM)

               A knock on the door - Seymour shuffles out in T-shirt, pants, 
               and goofy slippers. He looks through the peephole and sees 
               Enid. He opens the door.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What are you doing here?

                                     ENID
                         I had to see you.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What's up?

                                     ENID
                         Can you at least let me in?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh... sure... come in.

                                     ENID
                              (crying)
                         Look, I just need somebody to be 
                         nice to me for five minutes and then 
                         I'll leave you alone.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What's the matter?

                                     ENID
                         Do you have anything to drink?

               Enid goes to look for herself.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh... I think there's some root 
                         beer...

                                     ENID
                         What about this?

               She returns from the kitchen with a giant bottle of champagne.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         That's Dana's - I'm supposed to be 
                         saving it for our two-month 
                         anniversary. You better not --

                                     ENID
                              (as she starts opening)
                         FUCK DANA. I'm sick of Dana.

               She opens it and drinks straight from the bottle. Seymour's 
               look says: "Oh well, I'm fucked, I give up."

               INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

               Enid & Seymour sit on the bed listening to old records and 
               drinking out of the bottle.

                                     ENID
                         You need a bigger place - this is 
                         like a little kid's room.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I could never move - I've got too 
                         much stuff.

               Enid notices an extremely ugly modern sculpture in the corner. 
               She goes over and picks it up.

                                     ENID
                         Where did you get this?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Dana bought it when we went antique 
                         shopping. She said it didn't go with 
                         her stuff, so she gave it to me... 
                         she thought it fit in better with my 
                         "old time thingamajigs."

                                     ENID
                         Jesus, how can you stand her?

               Seymour takes another slug off the bottle.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         God, she's going to kill me... this 
                         bottle is half-empty!

                                     ENID
                         That's great! "Half-empty" - that's 
                         what I like about you, Seymour, you're 
                         a natural pessimist!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         If you expect the worst, you're never 
                         disappointed.

                                     ENID
                         What are you talking about? You're 
                         disappointed every minute of your 
                         life.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I'm just being realistic.

                                     ENID
                         At least you're not like every other 
                         stupid guy in the world - all they 
                         care about are guitars and sports... 
                         they're all such fags!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I hate sports.

                                     ENID
                         How come in all that time I was trying 
                         to get you a date, you never asked 
                         me out?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         You're a beautiful young girl... I 
                         can't imagine you would ever have 
                         had any interest in me, except as an 
                         amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, but still... it's kind of 
                         insulting for a girl to be ignored 
                         like that.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I mean... of course I... why wouldn't 
                         I want to go out with you?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno... I always feel like 
                         everybody secretly hates me. I'm 
                         just paranoid I guess. I mean, you 
                         like me don't you? We're good friends, 
                         right?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, sure. Of course.

                                     ENID
                              (contemplative pause)
                         ...Maybe I should just move in here 
                         with you... I could do all the cooking 
                         and dust your record collection and 
                         stuff until I get a job.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What about Joe?

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah... and Dana...
                              (says her name with 
                              whiny, disdainful 
                              voice)
                         You were a lot more fun before you 
                         met Dana. You've been acting way too 
                         normal lately... you're a bitter, 
                         twisted, fucked-up guy, Seymour, 
                         that's why I like you.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (more drunk than before)
                         Yeah, well I like you too...

               TEN MINUTES LATER

               The bottle is empty.

                                     ENID
                         You know what my number one fantasy 
                         used to be?

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (pause)
                         What?

                                     ENID
                         I used to think about one day not 
                         telling anybody and just taking off 
                         and going to some random place...  
                         Do you ever think about stuff like 
                         that?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I guess I probably used to when I 
                         was your age.

                                     ENID
                         It would have to be some totally 
                         average day when nobody was expecting 
                         it, and I'd just disappear and they'd 
                         never see me again.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Sounds like a healthy way to deal 
                         with your problems.

                                     ENID
                         You know what we should do? Let's go 
                         get in your car right now and just 
                         take off! We could just drive away 
                         and find some new place and start a 
                         whole new life... fuck everybody!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I don't think I'm in any condition 
                         to drive.

                                     ENID
                         I'll drive, then -- we'll go out in 
                         a blaze of glory!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         So where would we go?

                                     ENID
                         Who cares? Let's just go... what's 
                         stopping us?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I dunno, I...

                                     ENID
                         I'm serious! I'm just so sick of 
                         everybody! Why can't I just do 
                         whatever I want?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What do you want?

                                     ENID
                         What do you want?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I-I-I...

                                     ENID
                         What's the matter with you, Seymour? 
                         Don't you like me? Be a man for once 
                         in your life!

               She kisses him passionately. He's shocked but kisses back.

               This escalates, leading to the sex act, shown with merciful 
               brevity.

               WE SEE Enid & Seymour, post-coital.

                                     ENID
                         God, Dana's going to kill you!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         ...Do you really want us to drive 
                         away somewhere?

                                     ENID
                         What?... Maybe... no... I dunno...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I will if you want to.

                                     ENID
                         No... forget it...

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (embarrassingly sappy)
                         I-I never expected anything like 
                         this to happen...

                                     ENID
                         Yeah, well... me neither...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         You must know I always... did you 
                         really mean all that about moving in 
                         with me?

                                     ENID
                         I was just thinking out loud...
                              (doesn't want to hurt 
                              his feelings)
                         I mean, you've got this whole thing 
                         with Dana -- I'm not going to let 
                         you fuck that up...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         But, I...

                                     ENID
                         Shhh... I really need to get some 
                         sleep.

               Enid turns her back to him. We see from REVERSE ANGLE that 
               she's only pretending to be asleep. She looks troubled, as 
               though she's just made a big mistake. Seymour puts his arm 
               around her. It's the only time we've seen him look relaxed 
               and happy.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Good night...

               He kisses her arm and goes to sleep.

               INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

               Seymour wakes up. Enid is gone.

               INT. DANA'S OFFICE - EXPANSION REALTY - DAY

               Dana is on the phone. A lantern-jawed male COLLEAGUE listens 
               in, his head pressed up against hers.

                                     DANA
                              (into phone)
                         It's a thirty-year fixed at five and-
                         a-half...

               Seymour nervously enters her "workspace". Dana is pleasantly 
               surprised - she stops her conversation.

                                     DANA
                              (covering receiver)
                         Seymour! Hello! What are you doing 
                         here?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Oh -- please - don't let me interrupt 
                         finish your phone call.

                                     DANA
                         We're almost done.
                              (she continues into 
                              phone)
                         Hi. Yeah... no, it's excluded.  
                         They've already paid the earnest 
                         money... well, let them bring it up 
                         if they notice it at the final walk 
                         through. Right, great, sounds good!

               She hangs up and high-fives her colleague. They bear-hug.

                                     COLLEAGUE
                         Great job! I'm proud of ya! Well, 
                         I'll check you guys later. I'm gonna 
                         go start the paperwork.

               Colleague leaves; Dana turns to Seymour.

                                     DANA
                         Hey... so, what brings you down here?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I uh... I feel that I need to uh -- 
                         there's something I feel I have to 
                         say... I uh, I've never said this to 
                         anyone before -- believe me, I've 
                         stayed in horrible relationships for 
                         years just so I wouldn't have to do 
                         this, but I uh...

                                     DANA
                         What are you trying to say?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         It's just that I feel like it's maybe 
                         not a good idea for us to keep going 
                         out.

               Dana sits down, staring ahead, stunned for a moment. Suddenly 
               she breaks down sobbing.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I-I honestly never intended for this 
                         to happen...

                                     DANA
                         Please tell me it isn't that teenager!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Enid and I were just friends. You 
                         know... we feel comfortable around 
                         each other... she really likes my 
                         old records and...

                                     DANA
                         I can't believe this! I thought at 
                         the very least a guy like you would 
                         never pull this kind of shit on me!

               She starts crying again. Seymour awkwardly tries to comfort 
               her.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Dana, I... um...

               Dana pushes him away violently.

                                     DANA
                         You disgusting pig! You're just an 
                         overgrown baby who can't deal with a 
                         woman your own age. You pathetic 
                         weakling! You make me sick!

               INT. ENID'S ROOM - THE SAME DAY

               Enid is now utterly defeated. The phone rings. She lets the 
               machine pick it up. Maxine enters.

                                     MAXINE
                         May I ask what you're doing?

                                     ENID
                         Shhh!

                                     MAXINE
                         I want to know what you think you're 
                         doing, staying out all night and 
                         worrying your father to death!

                                     ENID
                         Oh yeah, like he even noticed.

                                     MAXINE
                         Listen, young lady... I know you 
                         don't like me -- I don't really care 
                         whether you do or not -- but I will 
                         not allow you to treat your father 
                         the way you do.

               We hear Seymour on the machine in the background...

                                     SEYMOUR (V.O.)
                         I really want to talk to you. I've 
                         been thinking about what you said 
                         about moving in here...

                                     ENID
                         I can treat him any way I want to - 
                         I'm an adult! Leave me alone!

               Maxine leaves. Seymour finishes his message. Enid picks up 
               the phone and dials.

                                     REBECCA (V.O.)
                         Hello?

                                     ENID
                         I need to talk to you.

               INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY

               Enid & Rebecca sit at a table. Rebecca is wearing her uniform.

                                     ENID
                         I'm sorry about the other day. I 
                         don't know what's wrong with me...  
                         I really do want to move in with 
                         you.

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't know... I was thinking maybe 
                         I should live alone. I decided to 
                         rent that place we looked at. I'm 
                         moving in next week.

                                     ENID
                         Please let me come with you. Please 
                         please please...

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't know - I'm not sure it's a 
                         good idea.

                                     ENID
                         Of course it's a good idea... it's 
                         our plan.

                                     REBECCA
                         But how are you gonna pay rent and 
                         everything? You don't even have a 
                         job.

                                     ENID
                         I'll get a job tomorrow, I promise.  
                         If I don't, you can totally tell me 
                         to fuck off.

               INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE MORNING

               Enid is putting on her shoes. Her Dad opens the door slightly 
               and sticks his head in.

                                     DAD
                         Pumpkin, are you in there?

                                     ENID
                         Are you going to yell at me?

                                     DAD
                         About what?

                                     DAD
                         Yeah, I heard about that.

                                     ENID
                         I was in a horrible mood - tell her 
                         not to worry, I'll be completely out 
                         of her life in a few days.

                                     DAD
                         She understands what you're going 
                         through and she really wants to help 
                         you. She says that job at Computer 
                         Station is still available if you 
                         want it.

                                     ENID
                         I-I'm not sure... yeah, maybe.

                                     DAD
                         Actually, I was just checking to see 
                         if you were here - your friend Seymour 
                         is on his way up.

                                     ENID
                         What do you mean "on his way up"!?

                                     DAD
                         I just buzzed him in.

               Just then, three sharp KNOCKS on the front door.

                                     ENID
                         What's wrong with you?! Tell him I'm 
                         not here!

                                     DAD
                         But I can't --

                                     ENID
                         JUST DO IT!

               Dad goes to answer the door. Enid hides in her room.

                                     DAD (V.O.)
                         I'm not sure when she'll be back...

               Enid looks out the window and sees Seymour walking away. She 
               has a terribly sad look on her face.

               INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING

               Seymour sits in dim light, dialing an antique "candlestick" 
               telephone. In the background, a Peter, Paul and Mary concert 
               plays on the TV. We hear three rings followed by Enid's 
               answering machine message. He hangs up before it finishes.  
               Joe walks by the doorway.

                                     JOE
                         Well, here's where the fun never 
                         stops!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yeah, I'm really, really happy.  
                         Really having a good time.

                                     JOE
                         Still torturing yourself over that 
                         Enid, huh?

               Seymour doesn't answer. He looks away.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Where else am I ever going to find 
                         another girl who likes Geeshie Wiley 
                         records?
                              (pause)
                         She could at least have the decency 
                         to call me back.

                                     JOE
                         Maybe she was just using you to try 
                         and get back at some guy. Who knows?  
                         It could be a million things. It's 
                         wasted time trying to logically figure 
                         out the female brain, that's for 
                         sure.

               Again no answer from Seymour, he stares off into space.

                                     JOE
                         Maybe she's got another boyfriend.

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (bummed out, wants 
                              Joe to stop)
                         Yeah, well... thanks for cheering me 
                         up.

                                     JOE
                              (deadpan)
                         No problem.

               Seymour looks so miserable that even Joe has some compassion 
               for him.

                                     JOE
                         Look at it this way - at least things 
                         can't get any worse.

               Joe leaves. Seymour is left listening to the record.

               INT. COOK'S CHICKEN HEADQUARTERS - DAY.

               Seymour is at work, walking down a carpeted hallway with 
               many doors on both sides. A door opens and a Tony Robbins-
               ish, 35 year-old MANAGEMENT EXECUTIVE sticks his head out.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         Seymour! Just the man I want to see. 
                         Step in here for a minute.

               Seymour enters.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         Have a seat.

               He plunks down the current issue of THE FREE WEEKLY - it's 
               open to a 1/2 page article on page 8 with the headline "Oh 
               Brother!" and a photo of THE PAINTING being removed.

                                     EXECUTIVE
                         What can you tell me about this, 
                         Seymour?

               INT. ENID & REBECCA'S NEW APT.

               Enid is wearing a bright orange "Computer Station" T-shirt 
               and a yellow vest with a "trainee" tag. She's looking around 
               at her new home: a hopelessly drab, characterless apartment.

                                     REBECCA
                         So, whaddya think?

                                     ENID
                         It's fine.

                                     REBECCA
                         So where's all your stuff?

               Enid points to a small box with sketchbook, etc.

                                     ENID
                         There.

                                     REBECCA
                         That's all you're bringing?

                                     ENID
                         I'm gonna finish packing tonight...  
                         I'll bring it over tomorrow sometime.

                                     REBECCA
                         What time?

                                     ENID
                         I dunno...

                                     REBECCA
                         Make sure you're here by noon - we 
                         have tons of stuff to do... Oh yeah! 
                         I have to show you something else!

               She drags Enid into the kitchen and opens a BUILT-IN IRONING 
               BOARD as though it's the most amazing thing she's ever-seen.

                                     REBECCA
                         Isn't this the greatest?

               INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE EVENING

               Enid is sorting her stuff into boxes. Digging through her 
               closet, she finds a box that she doesn't recognize. Inside 
               are her old children's records (45's). She excitedly takes 
               one out and plays it. She folds her clothes while listening 
               to this song, which clearly is getting to her. She grabs 
               mechanically for the next thing hanging in her closet. It's 
               the uniform from her job at "Computer Station." She folds 
               it, puts it in the box, then stops, staring at the orange 
               fabric.

               INT. ENID AND REBECCA'S APT. - THE NEXT DAY

               Rebecca is nervously arranging and re-arranging her stuff.

               She puts up her gigantic new kitchen wall clock and sets the 
               time to 12:45. She goes to the phone and calls Enid. The 
               machine picks up and Rebecca hangs up. She does another 
               tedious, pointless task. IT'S NOW 3:30. She's pissed off and 
               goes to the phone to call again. As it rings there's a knock 
               on the door. Relieved, she hangs up and goes to answer.

                                     REBECCA
                              (as she opens the 
                              door)
                         What's wrong with you, retard - it's 
                         three-thirty!

               It's Seymour standing there, not Enid.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh... hi. Uh... Enid's stepmother 
                         told me I'd find her here?

                                     REBECCA
                         She's not at home?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         No... they said she was here...

                                     REBECCA
                         What the fuck is she doing?! She was 
                         supposed to be here three hours ago!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Uh, do you mind if I wait? I really 
                         need to talk to her.

                                     REBECCA
                              (allows him to step 
                              inside but leaves 
                              the door open)
                         Are you sure she wasn't there?  Maybe 
                         she was just hiding from you.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Why would she be hiding from me?

                                     REBECCA
                         I don't know... where is she, then?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Maybe she's with Josh?

                                     REBECCA
                         Josh!? Why would she be with Josh?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I don't know.

                                     REBECCA
                         Why? What did she tell you?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         She just mentioned him a few times 
                         and said that they had been dating - 
                         I thought maybe she was...

                                     REBECCA
                         What? Is she having some secret affair 
                         with Josh?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I have no idea - I just want to...

                                     REBECCA
                         Why wouldn't she tell me? There's no 
                         way! She could never keep that to 
                         herself... you're crazy.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Really, I don't know enough about it 
                         to...

                                     REBECCA
                         That slut!

                                     SEYMOUR
                              (changing subject 
                              back to me)
                         Why did you say she might be hiding 
                         from me? Did she say anything to you 
                         about me?

                                     REBECCA
                              (getting revenge on 
                              Seymour)
                         Yeah, she thinks you're a dork.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Did she say that?

                                     REBECCA
                         Look, what do you expect?  Considering 
                         how we met you.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What do you mean?

                                     REBECCA
                         On that pathetic fake blind date.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What are you talking about?

                                     REBECCA
                         Didn't she ever tell you about that? 
                         God, she really is pathological...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         What fake blind date? What are you 
                         talking about?

               Rebecca goes over and gets Enid's sketchbook out of the box 
               and flips through it. When she gets to the right page she 
               hands it to Seymour.

                                     REBECCA
                         Here. Read it and weep.

               We see a pasted-up PERSONAL AD beside a DRAWING OF SEYMOUR 
               in Wowsville. On the facing page we see a drawing of JOSH 
               with his name surrounded by RED HEARTS.

               EXT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON

               Seymour's car screeches into the parking lot. He bursts into 
               the store, ready for once in his life to make a scene.

               INT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON

               Josh is behind the counter cleaning the Slurpee machine, 
               with his back to the entrance, as Seymour storms in. Doug is 
               over by the magazine rack reading a dirt bike magazine.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I hope you had a good laugh at my 
                         expense.

               Josh turns around - what's going on? He recognizes Seymour.

                                     JOSH
                         Huh... oh... hi... uh...

                                     SEYMOUR
                         You want to see something funny?  
                         I'll show you something funny!

               As he says this he flips over a SMALL DISPLAY RACK of potato 
               chips. Then he tries to flip over a BIG DISPLAY CASE in front 
               of the counter but is unable to budge it - he keeps trying 
               and gets more and more frustrated.

                                     JOSH
                         HEY!

               Josh runs from behind the counter to stop him before he 
               creates a huge mess. He tries to grab Seymour and they get 
               into a ridiculous frantic scuffle. Seymour starts yelling.  
               Suddenly Doug appears and gets Seymour in a choke hold with 
               his nunchucks. Doug ad-libs cop-style jargon. Josh is freaked 
               out. Seymour realizes what a fool he is and starts to cry.

               The Boss comes out of the back room...

                                     BOSS
                         Josh! What going on here?!

               INT. ENID & REBECCA'S APARTMENT - AROUND MIDNIGHT

               The apartment is dark - lit only by a harsh, annoying 
               streetlight. Rebecca sits on the couch in sweat clothes, 
               exasperated. She goes to look out the window. Cars with loud 
               radios can be heard driving by. She goes to the phone - she 
               checks it and hangs up. Pause. She picks it up again - one 
               last try. She dials the number and waits. We hear the BEEP 
               of the answering machine. Rebecca hangs up.

               She gets into a sleeping bag (spread out in the center of a 
               cold linoleum floor). She zips the zipper all the way over 
               her head and curls up into a whimpering ball.

                                                              FADE TO BLACK

                            TITLE CARD: "SEVERAL MONTHS LATER"

               INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY

               The dialogue begins in voice-over as the title card fades. 
               We slowly fade in to see Seymour, lying on a pink pastel 
               psychiatrist's couch, as he speaks to his THERAPIST, a 
               handsome, well-coiffed woman in her late 40s.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         I have to admit, things have really 
                         started looking up for me since my 
                         life turned to shit.

                                     THERAPIST
                         So tell me more about this job.  
                         What exactly will you be doing?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Well, mostly archival research, 
                         cataloguing old records and writing 
                         liner notes for their CD reissues.  
                         It's really... I can't believe it.

                                     THERAPIST
                         Remember what I said when we first 
                         started -- this little breakdown 
                         might turn out to be the best thing 
                         that ever happened to you!

                                     SEYMOUR
                         It doesn't pay very much, but I should 
                         be able to afford my own place in a 
                         few months... Do you think that's 
                         too soon? I'm really anxious to get 
                         my record collection out of storage...

                                     THERAPIST
                         Why don't we start with that next 
                         week?

               Seymour looks up. She nods toward the large wall clock behind 
               her: thirty seconds after five. Re gets up and she walks him 
               slowly toward the door.

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Thank you, doctor.

                                     THERAPIST
                              (as she opens the 
                              door)
                         Don't thank me. You're doing all the 
                         work.

               A pause. They stand facing each other.

                                     THERAPIST
                         Seymour?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         Yes?

                                     THERAPIST
                         Do you have a check for me?

               Seymour takes a filled-out check from his shirt pocket. In 
               the waiting room, we see SEYMOUR'S MOTHER.

                                     MOTHER
                         Seymour? Are you done? Did you have 
                         a chance to think about what you 
                         might want for dinner while you were 
                         in there?

                                     SEYMOUR
                         We can talk about it in the car, 
                         Ma...

               As they leave Seymour looks back and smiles weakly at the 
               doctor.

               INT. QUALITY CAFE - LATE AFTERNOON

               The Cafe has been FULLY REMODELED and now resembles Wowsville 
               more than the old Quality Cafe. There are no neighborhood 
               "characters" anymore, only well-heeled twenty-somethings. We 
               see that Rebecca is now a waitress here. She tears off a 
               check and places it in front of a super-muscular, polo shirted 
               EUROPEAN HIPSTER, who is too busy tapping away at his 
               POWERBOOK to notice.

               She walks toward the end of the counter to total up her 
               receipts. She looks up and sees Enid, wearing tasteful 1930's 
               style clothes, sitting across from her.

                                     ENID
                         Hi.

                                     REBECCA
                         Oh, hi... I almost didn't recognize 
                         you -- I think I need to get glasses; 
                         you're all blurry!

                                     ENID
                              (nodding toward 
                              muscular HIPSTER)
                         You're lucky then, you can't see the 
                         veins on that guy's biceps.

                                     REBECCA
                         Actually, he's a really nice guy.

               We see at this point that Rebecca & Enid are no longer 
               friends, but there are also no hard feelings evident.

                                     REBECCA
                         Do you want anything?

                                     ENID
                         Maybe an orange juice.

               Rebecca goes to get it. Enid looks around, bemused and 
               saddened by what The Quality Cafe has become.

                                     ENID
                         Hey, look what I got...

               She takes a crumpled envelope from her pocket and pulls out 
               her DIPLOMA.

                                     REBECCA
                         Wow... finally.

                                     ENID
                         It just came yesterday...

               Pause. Josh enters. Enid turns around.

                                     JOSH
                         Hi Enid.

                                     ENID
                         Hey Josh.

                                     JOSH
                         Are you ready to go?

               For a moment it's not clear who he's talking to, and then:

                                     REBECCA
                              (still counting 
                              receipts)
                         Yeah, just one second...

               She finishes, takes off her apron and emerges from behind 
               the counter. She kisses Josh perfunctorily.

                                     REBECCA
                              (to Josh)
                         Did you remember to pay the phone 
                         bill?

                                     JOSH
                         Yeah.

                                     REBECCA
                              (to Enid)
                         Call me sometime.

                                     ENID
                         Definitely. We still have to go to 
                         that shoe store sometime.

               Rebecca & Josh leave. Enid is totally alone in the now-alien 
               world of the Quality Cafe. A momentary pause as she calmly 
               stares into her orange juice. We see a small, round TRAVEL 
               BAG at her feet.

               EXT. CITY STREETS/ACME SHOES - EVENING

               We see Enid walking down the familiar streets of her world.

               It's early evening, quiet except for distant street noises.

               She walks toward the old ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE. It 
               looks the same, miraculously preserved, until she stands 
               right in front of it. She looks through the partially papered 
               over window and sees WORKMEN inside installing new fixtures: 
               a modern counter and several small tables, all made from a 
               FAMILIAR GREEN PLASTIC. A sign in the window reads: "Coming 
               Soon: Another COFFEE EXPERIENCE.

               EXT. CITY STREET - EVENING

               She continues walking as the sun has set and there is a calm 
               stillness to the city. She turns a corner and is startled by 
               her reflection in a large window made of one-way glass. She 
               stops and looks at herself. Everything about her looks perfect 
               for once; no need to change a thing. She moves closer to the 
               glass and, shading her eyes, tries to look inside.

               She continues walking. Darkness is just setting in and she 
               has the street all to herself.

               EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - NIGHT

               We see Enid at NORMAN'S BUS STOP, sitting on the bench. She 
               looks at the apartment building across the street. A woman 
               who has just arrived home from work turns on the TV, bathing 
               her living room with that EERIE BLUE LIGHT. The same thing 
               happens in another window down the street... then another...  
               Enid looks down the street. In the distance A BUS rounds the 
               corner and heads toward her.

               From a third-story window across the street, we see the bus 
               as it arrives and stops, blocking Enid from view. A moment 
               later it pulls away, leaving an empty bench. The CAMERA moves 
               upward, farther and farther away as the music swells and the 
               credits roll.

               EXT. BRIDGE - EVENING

               The bus disappears over the crest of the bridge.

                                         THE END