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Hall Pass Movie Script

Writer(s) : Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, Kevin Barnett, Pete Jones

Genres : Comedy, Romance

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                                 HALL PASS



                                 Written by

          Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, Kevin Barnett & Pete Jones






                                                   September 18, 2009
                         

                         

                         FADE IN:

          EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

          Very late. All is quiet. Then a battered MINI-VAN blows by
          a row of hedges that have been pruned to read: 'WELCOME TO
          CAPE COD.' A moment later a FLASHING COP CAR flies by in HOT

          PURSUIT.

          INT. MINI-VAN - SAME

          The WINDSHIELD IS GONE and the wind blows back the hair of
          two BEAT-UP-LOOKING MEN. The driver, FRED SEARING, 40-ish,
          has a look of determination and resolve on his chunky face,
          despite the BLACK EYE and BLOOD-STAINED TISSUE dangling out
          of his nose. The nervous passenger is RICK MILLS, 38.

                         RICK
          Pull over, man!

                         FRED
          No way, I can out-run 'em!

                         RICK
          No you can't--not in this thing!
          Another POLICE CRUISER FISHTAILS OUT OF A SIDE STREET and

          JOINS THE CHASE.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Oh God, now there's two of 'em!

                         FRED
          I don't care--I'm not stopping 'til
          we get there!

                         RICK
          Are you crazy?!

                         FRED
          Yeah, I'm crazy! I'm crazy about my
          wife!

          ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A CAPE COD HOSPITAL - NIGHT
          Rick and Fred come SKIDDING UP to the EMERGENCY ENTRANCE
          followed by the two police cruisers. When they stop, we see
          that somebody has spray-painted 'HORNY OLD MAN' on the side
          of the mini-van.
          Fred jumps out and SPRINTS toward the entrance. SEVERAL COPS
          spring from their cars and give chase. Before Fred can reach
          the front doors, he gets KNOCKED VIOLENTLY to the ground.
          Rick climbs out of the passenger seat with HIS HANDS RAISED.

                         RICK
          Hear me out, gentlemen, I can
          explain every--!
          AS A BURLY OFFICER'S HEAD CONNECTS WITH RICK'S CHEST, we...

                         FREEZE FRAME

                         

                         

                         

                         

          2.
          .And FADE TO BLACK... and then:

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

          TWO WEEKS EARLIER

          FADE BACK IN:

          INT. RICK'S FAMILY ROOM - DAY

          ON TV SCREEN - a video shows several YOUNG PEOPLE, early-
          20's, sunning themselves at the beach. A YOUNG-LOOKING RICK
          hams it up for the camera.

          RICK (O.S.)
          See the stud in the blue shorts?
          That's me the summer I got out of
          college.

          LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE (O.S.)
          Wow, Dad, you used to have muscles.
          REVERSE ANGLE reveals EMMA, 6, and GUNNAR, 4, sitting on
          either side of Rick.

                         RICK
          I still have a few.

                         GUNNAR
          Where?
          Rick shoots him a look.

                         RICK
          They're hidden.
          BACK ON TV SCREEN - A PRETTY GIRL with a knockout body comes
          up and puts her arms around Rick.

                         EMMA
          Who's that girl?

                         RICK
          That's Mommy.

                         EMMA
          No, I mean the young one standing
          next to you.

                         RICK
          That's Mommy.

                         EMMA
          Mommy used to have long hair? And
          she wore a bikini?

                         RICK

                         (WISTFULLY)
          Yes she did.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          3.

                         EMMA
          How come she doesn't wear a bikini
          anymore?

                         GUNNAR
          Is it because of her fat ass?

                         RICK
          I guess. What? No. Who said Mommy's
          got a fat ass?

                         GUNNAR
          Mommy.

          LONG BEAT.

                         RICK
          Well, uh, I don't appreciate that
          language, Gunnar. You've got the
          best mom in the whole world--don't
          ever say anything bad about her.
          Just then, MAGGIE comes GRUNTING into the room carrying a ONE-
          YEAR-OLD BABY in one arm and a basket of laundry in the
          other. She's in her late-30's, cute, with short, manageable
          mommy hair. She's wearing SWEATPANTS, an OVERSIZED T-SHIRT,
          and NO MAKE-UP.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Hey beautiful, you better get a
          move on--we're supposed to be
          meeting Fred and Grace soon.

                         MAGGIE
          I know, I know, I'm trying.

                         RICK
          Well how long you gonna be?

                         MAGGIE
          Forty-five minutes--sooner if you
          help with the kids.
          Maggie looks to him, hopeful.

                         RICK

                         (NONCHALANT)
          Forty-five minutes is good.
          Maggie shoots him a look and Rick smiles.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I'm kidding. Okay, kids, first one
          in the tub gets college paid for.
          Emma and Gunnar just stare at him.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Come on, you bums, let's go!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          4.
          As Rick starts to tickle his kids they run out of the room,

                         AND WE

                          CUT TO:

          EXT. SIDEWALK - EVENING

          Rick and Maggie walk along hand-in-hand. They're dressed-up
          and happy-looking.

                         RICK
          I miss going out with you on
          Saturday nights.
          She smiles at him.

                         MAGGIE
          I know, it's just like the old
          days.
          Rick pulls Maggie close as they walk.

                         RICK
          Maybe we should make a rule that we
          go out at least six nights a week
          without the kids.
          Maggie GIGGLES.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I'm serious. We should go out every
          week--just you and me.
          A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE walks past them and Rick gives a QUICK
          GLANCE back AT HER ASS.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I think it'd be healthy.

                         MAGGIE
          You gotta be kidding me?
          Maggie pulls away.

                         RICK
          What?

                         MAGGIE
          You just checked out that girl's
          butt.

                         RICK
          I did?

                         MAGGIE
          Yeah, you did, and it's rude.

                         RICK
          Why? You think she saw me?

                         MAGGIE
          saw you.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          5.

                         RICK
          Oh, uh, yeah. I'm sorry, honey, I'm
          just kind of spacey today.

          GRACE (O.S.)
          Come on, we're late!
          REVERSE ANGLE reveals Fred Searing and his wife GRACE, 38,
          waiting outside a restaurant. Fred sports a full-head of
          hair that's maybe a little too stiff. Grace is short and
          appealing in a Rachel Ray kind of way. Fred leans in to kiss
          Maggie as Rick kisses Grace.

                         MAGGIE
          Grace, let me ask you something:
          Does Fred ever check out other
          women in front of you?

                         GRACE
          No, Fred's not a gawker.
          Grace pats a pleased-looking Fred on the head.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Come on, Mags, let's go say hi to
          Dr. Lucy.
          We follow the women as they leave their husbands and ENTER
          the restaurant under a banner that says, 'Boston Psychiatric
          Association Person of the Year.'

          INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

          Grace and Maggie approach the check-in table.

          WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
          There they are!
          ANOTHER ANGLE reveals DR. LUCY GILBERT, a very attractive and
          sophisticated-looking 40-year-old, holding court in the
          corner.

                         GRACE
          Dr. Lucy! Congratulations!

          DR. LUCY
          Girls, thank you so much for
          coming.
          Dr. Lucy speaks with a FRENCH ACCENT.

                         MAGGIE
          Are you kidding me? You're the only
          friend of ours who ever got an
          award--you think we're going to
          miss that?
          ANGLE ON Rick and Fred standing at the bar.

                         FRED
          Do you mind telling me how your
          wife catches you checking out
          another girl? What is this, amateur
          hour?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          6.
          The BARTENDER delivers a couple beers and Rick pays.

                         RICK
          The girl walked past and I glanced
          back at her for like half a second.

                         FRED
          There's your problem, dumb-ass--
          it's the wrong order. You don't
          wait for the girl to walk past and
          then glance back. You turn when
          she's still fifteen feet in front
          of you...then you wait for her to
          walk into your line of vision.
          Fred NOTICES an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN walking toward them from the
          right.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Observe.
          Before the woman reaches them, Fred turns to his left and
          holds the look until the Attractive Woman's ASS ENTERS HIS
          VIEW and he watches her walk away.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          You see? I can't help it if her
          butt walks where I'm already
          looking.

                         RICK

                         (GETTING IT)
          It was your air space.

          WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
          Hey, guys.
          They turn to see a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN with a healthy tan walking
          past carrying several drinks. This is MISSY FRANKENFIELD,
          mid-30's.

          RICK AND FRED
          Hey, Missy.

                         MISSY
          (CALLING back to them)
          Don't forget to mingle!
          The guys watch Missy walk away.

                         FRED
          Wow. Missy's looking pretty good
          for someone going through a
          divorce.

                         RICK
          Yeah, that's rough stuff--I heard
          they might have to sell the house.

                         FRED
          Too bad. You gonna hit 'em up for
          the listing?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          7.

                         RICK
          What am I, a vulture? Nah, I don't
          go after the divorcee business
          unless they approach me first.

                         FRED
          Yeah, it's kind of tacky, huh?
          As the guys crane their necks to get a better view of Missy's
          ass, we...
          REVERSE ANGLE to reveal Maggie, Grace and Dr. Lucy sipping
          lemondrops and watching Rick and Fred from across the room.

                         GRACE
          Look at those two meatheads
          checking out Missy Frankenfield.
          What, do they think they're
          invisible over there?

                         MAGGIE
          I thought you said Fred wasn't a
          gawker.

                         GRACE
          He was standing right next to you.
          I can't let him know that I know--
          that would take all the fun out of
          it.

                         (CHUCKLES)
          You should see him. He's got some
          stupid move where he looks back
          before the girl passes to make it
          seem like he couldn't help but
          notice her ass. It's pathetic.
          Maggie and Dr. Lucy GIGGLE.

                          CUT TO:

          EXT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          Rick's car is parked in the driveway, and he and Maggie are
          getting out.

                         RICK
          How about I drive the babysitter
          home while you go upstairs and
          prepare the altar?
          He puts his arm around her as they walk toward the front
          door.

                         MAGGIE
          I want to, honey, but I've got to
          get up early with the kids.

                         RICK
          I'll get up with the kids.

                         MAGGIE
          But I have to go out and buy a gift-
          -they're going to a birthday party
          tomorrow.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          8.

                         RICK
          I'll cjet the gift, then I'll take
          the kids to the park, then to the
          party. You can dust stay in bed,,
          get your beauty sleep, and bask in
          the sweet, sweet pounding I'm about
          to give you.

                         MAGGIE
          I love it when you sweet-talk me.
          Maggie smiles but as Rick opens the front door they FREEZE IN

          THEIR TRACKS.
          THEIR POV - the babysitter (PAIGE, 20, cute) is standing
          there with their 4-year-old, Gunnar.

                         GUNNAR
          Mommy! Daddy!

                         RICK

                         (DEFLATED)
          Little buddy.. .what are you doing
          up?
          Gunnar runs into his mother's arms and Maggie shrugs
          apologetically to Rick.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          This is just a minor obstacle.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK'S MINI-VAN - NIGHT

          Rick is at the wheel of his Dodge Caravan and Paige sits in
          the passenger seat. She is on the busty side.

                         RICK
          How were the kids tonight?

                         PAIGE
          Perfect. That Gunnar is so cute--
          all he wants to do is wrestle with
          me.
          Rick smiles at this.

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          Mr. Mills, would it be okay to turn
          down the air--I'm a little chilly.
          Look--I got goose bumps.
          As she HOLDS OUT HER ARM to show him the GOOSE-BUMPS, we
          RACK FOCUS BEYOND HER ARM to the ERECT NIPPLES that are
          PIERCING THROUGH HER SHEER TOP like small tents.
          BACK ON Rick as his EYES GO WIDE WITH TERROR and he looks
          away.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          9.

                         RICK
          Oh, uh, sure, I'm sorry.
          Flustered, he moves to the temperature control which in LARGE
          ILLUMINATED DIGITAL TYPE reads: 69!!! He quickly PUNCHES THE
          A/C OFF, then trains his eyes straight ahead and grips the
          steering wheel tight at ten-and-two.

                         PAIGE
          Thank you.

                         RICK
          'Welcome.

          EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - NIGHT

          The mini-van pulls up in front of a sorority house.

          INT. RICK'S MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS

          Paige hesitates before getting out.

                         PAIGE
          Mr. Mills, can I ask you something?

                         RICK
          Sure.

                         PAIGE
          I was wondering...

                         (SQUINTS NERVOUSLY)
          .could you buy me some beer?
          Rick looks surprised.

                         RICK
          Buy you some.. .How old are you?

                         PAIGE
          Twenty. But I'm turning twenty-one
          next week.

                         RICK
          Oh. Happy birthday. That's a
          biggie.

                         PAIGE
          Yeah. My aunt usually buys beer for
          me, but she's out of town.

                         (SMILES HOPEFULLY)
          So. . .could ya?

                         RICK
          Uh, I don't know, Paige...I could
          get in a lot of trouble for giving
          alcohol to a minor.

                         PAIGE
          Oh, come on, I'm a junior in
          college. You drank when you were in
          college, didn't you?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          10.

                         RICK
          Well, uh...

                         PAIGE
          Besides, it's so arbitrary. How
          does it make sense that twenty's
          old enough to fight in Iraq or
          watch a porno movie, but it's too
          young to drink a beer?
          Rick shifts in his seat.

                         RICK
          Really? Twenty's old enough to
          uh...?

                         PAIGE
          Fight in Iraq?

                         RICK
          No, the other thing.

                         PAIGE
          Watch Porn? Oh, God yeah--half the
          girls in those things are my age.
          Rick catches a hint of cleavage, a flash of leg.

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          Look, I promise no one's gonna find
          out. If you want, you can join me
          down at the lake--we'll listen to
          some tunes and have a couple beers.
          Rick stares at her, pictures it in his head. She looks
          hopeful, open.

                         RICK
          I'm sorry, Paige, I can't do that.

                         PAIGE
          Why not?

                         RICK
          Well... it would be.. .inappropriate.
          Rick's voice has taken on a firmer, more adult tone. Paige
          seems amused by it.

                         PAIGE
          What, is that your grown-up voice?

                         (SMILES)
          That would be inappropriate, Paige.

                         COME ON--

                         RICK
          No, Paige.
          (with an edge)
          What are you thinking? I'm a
          married man and I have a family.
          You think they'd like it if they
          knew I was hanging out at the lake,
          all alone, drinking beer with a
          college girl?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          11.
          She seems taken aback.

                         PAIGE

                         (PUT-OFF)
          I never said alone. My sorority's
          having a party down there tonight.
          Rick CLEARS HIS THROAT, tries to hide his embarrassment.

                         RICK
          All right, better get inside.
          She opens the car door, then glares back at him.

                         PAIGE
          Ewww. What the hell were you
          thinking?

                         RICK
          Go ahead. Scoot along now.
          As she SLAMS the car door, we...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          Rick bounds up the stairs to find Maggie gently closing
          Gunnar's bedroom door.

                         MAGGIE
          Shhhh. He just fell asleep.

                         RICK
          Awesome.
          Rick playfully pinches Maggie's butt as he follows her into
          their bedroom where...

          INT. BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

          .They find Emma sitting up in their bed, smiling.

                         EMMA
          Can I sleep with you tonight?

                         RICK
          No.

                         EMMA
          Please.

                         RICK
          No. Absolutely not.
          Maggie, clearly softening to the idea, shrugs at Rick.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          12.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Are you serious? Look, besides the
          other thing, I don't like the fact
          that my daughter needs someone to
          sleep with every night--that's not
          going to be good when she goes off
          to college, you know.
          Maggie rolls her eyes.

                         EMMA
          Well.. .can someone read me a story?
          Rick looks at Maggie, then at his daughter.

                         RICK
          Okay, one quick story. Come on,
          jump on my back.
          Emma jumps on Rick's back.

                         RICK (CONT'D)

                         (TO MAGGIE)
          You can get started without me--
          I'll be right back.
          Rick piggybacks Emma out of the room.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER

          Emma is putting Rick's HAIR INTO PONYTAILS.

                         RICK
          Okay, honey, this is the last pony
          and then night-night.
          Emma finishes putting on a rubberband, then looks at him,
          satisfied.

                         EMMA
          There. You look pretty, Daddy.

                         RICK
          Okay, now give me a kiss, hug and
          go to sleep.
          She lays back on her pillow. Rick gives her a big kiss on
          both cheeks.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I love you, Emma.

                         EMMA
          I love you, too, Daddy.

          EXT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

          Rick (still in ponytails) tip-toes out of Emma's bedroom,
          closes the door so tly, then HUSTLES DOWN THE HALLWAY.

                          F

          INT. RICK & MAGGIE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Rick scrambles into the room and STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          13.
          HIS POV - Maggie lays in bed, FAST ASLEEP.

                         RICK
          No. Please, no.
          Rick wants to wake her up but sees that she needs the sleep,
          so he just PULLS THE COVERS OVER HER SHOULDERS.
          As Rick walks around the bed and INTO THE BATHROOM in the
          b.g., we HOLD ON MAGGIE until she OPENS HER EYES. She
          listens to her husband brush his teeth with perhaps a tinge
          of GUILT, and when he shuts off the faucet, she CLOSES HER
          EYES AGAIN, and we...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. PARK - MORNING

          Rick pushes Gunnar and Emma on the swings as a sweaty Fred
          APPROACHES carrying a tennis racket. (We see several TENNIS
          COURTS in the b.g.)

                         FRED
          Hey.

                         RICK
          Hey. How'd you make out?

                         FRED
          Great. Lost both sets.

                         RICK
          So'd you get the business?
          Fred nods and wipes his brow.

                         FRED
          Pretty sure I got the Auto and
          Home. He told me to call his
          accountant on Monday about the
          Life.

                         RICK
          Nice.
          Fred looks around at all the pretty MOMS and NANNIES with
          their CHILDREN.

                         FRED
          Can you believe the talent here
          today?

                         RICK

                         (PAINED)
          Yeah. I know.
          They NOTICE something O.S..
          THEIR POV - we see a SCANDINAVIAN AU PAIR bent over EXPOSING
          HER THONG UNDERWEAR as she picks up a CHILD from a wagon.

                         FRED
          Ouch.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          14.
          Rick SIGHS.

                         RICK
          CPR girl's back, too.
          Rick nods toward A PIG-TAILED PARAMEDIC, early 30's, TEACHING
          A CPR CLASS. The two men look on solemnly.

                         FRED
          Imagine if we were coming here back
          when we were single?

                         RICK

                         (FALSE BRAVADO)
          Oh baby, the damage we would do.

                         EMMA
          Monkey bars!
          The kids JUMP off the swings and RUN for the jungle gym.

                         GUNNAR
          Me first!
          Rick trails them like a Sherpa carrying a couple Razor
          scooters and a basketball as Fred tags along. They shlep
          past THE TRI-DELTA SORORITY playing ultimate frisbee and

          WEARING 'JUICY' SWEATS.

                         FRED
          So you get lucky last night?

                         RICK
          Nah, the kids were up when we got
          home. How 'bout you?

                         FRED
          Well, kinda lucky. Grace conked
          right out so I snuck out to the car
          and rubbed one out.
          Rick shoots Fred a look.

                         RICK
          The car? What are you Knight Rider?
          Why didn't you just go in the
          bathroom like a normal guy?

                         FRED
          And get caught by Grace? Can't risk
          it. Besides, cars turn me on--it's
          where I lost my virginity. And
          they're comfy--I just put the seat
          back and turn on the tunes.
          The guys sit on a bench.

                         RICK
          That's one of the things they don't
          tell you when you're young--that
          you'll still be jerking-off after
          you get married. I thought it was
          dust gonna be a teenage thing.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         15

                         FRED
          Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.
          The two men sit in silence for a LONG BEAT as the Frisbee
          Girls play all around them.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          You know what I miss the most?

                         RICK
          What?

                         FRED
          The arch.

                         RICK
          What arch?

                         FRED
          You know when you're taking a
          girl's panties off for the first
          time, and you're wondering if she's
          going to stop you, but then she
          gives you that little pelvic arch-
          thrust that tells you that the
          struggle's over, everything's going
          to be okay?
          Rick SIGHS.

                         RICK
          That's a happy moment.

                         FRED
          Yep. Another thing gone forever.
          Rick looks at his watch.

                         RICK
          I should get going, I have to drop
          the kids off at a birthday party.

                         FRED
          You want to grab a coffee after?

                         CUT TO:

           ESTABLISHING SHOT - COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT MORNING

          INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME

          Fred and Rick stand in line.

                         RICK
          Do you have any interest in going
          down to the Patriot's training camp
          one of these days?

                         FRED
          Are you kidding, I'd love that.
          Except...I always feel kind of
          pathetic waiting in line for Tom
          Brady's autograph.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          16.

                         RICK
          Fred, I was planning on bringing
          the kids.

                         FRED
          Genius! That's the perfect cover!
          Rick shoots him a look then REACTS to something O.S.

                         RICK
          Uh-oh...
          HIS POV - SLO-MO of a BEAUTIFUL GIRL walking toward him. Her
          straight brown hair shimmers.. .her blue eyes twinkle.. .her
          white uniformed blouse is unbuttoned enough to reveal a
          tasteful amount of CLEAVAGE. This is COFFEE GIRL, 23,
          granola, fresh, Australian, spacey.
          BACK ON THE GUYS staring in awe.

                         FRED
          Did you see her face? Her face is
          tremendous.

                         RICK
          (chanting, scared)
          Please don't have a nice ass,
          please don't have a nice ass...
          But as she turns to pour a cup of coffee, we see that HER ASS
          IS SPECTACULAR. Rick turns away, annoyed.

                         RICK (CONT'D
          Oh, come on! That's ri iculous.

                         FRED
          I know. She's from Australia. Been
          working here about a month.

                         RICK
          Why'd you have to bring me here?!

                         FRED
          Okay, cool it, tiger--here she
          comes.
          Coffee Girl steps up to the counter and smiles at Fred.

                         COFFEE GIRL

                         (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
          Iced coffee with two Splendas
          again?
          Fred wants to say yes, but just nods.

          COFFEE GIRL (CONT'D)
          How about your mate there?

                         RICK

                         (STUNNED)
          Uh...same.
          Her smile comes with a squint, which makes her eyes sparkle.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          17.
          ANOTHER ANGLE reveals a WANNABE ARTIST-TYPE MALE EMPLOYEE,
          mid-20's (clearly covetous of Coffee Girl) sizing Rick and
          Fred up as he wipes down a counter.

          BACK ON COFFEE GIRL AND OUR GUYS

                         COFFEE GIRL
          (re: Rick's shirt)
          Hey, Old Navy, you like a muffin
          with that?

                         RICK
          Uh, sure. What do you recommend?

                         COFFEE GIRL
          They're all good.
          The Wannabe Artist-Type steps protectively up beside Coffee
          Girl.

                         WANNABE
          I'd go with the bran muffin--you
          guys are probably having digestive
          issues at your age, right?
          Rick flinches at this, then turns to Coffee Girl.

                         RICK
          I'll have a blueberry muffin
          please.

                         FRED
          Make it a bran muffin for me.
          Rick shoots Fred a look, clearly annoyed. As Coffee Girl
          turns to get their order, we go to...

          SAME SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
          Rick and Fred, now with coffees, sit at the rear of the shop.

                         RICK
          Did you notice she's from Cleavage,
          Ohio?

                         FRED
          Yeah. I bet her areolas look like a
          couple of pepperoni slices.
          Fred trains his eyes back on Coffee Girl and SQUINTS

          INTENSELY.

                         RICK
          What the hell are you doing?

                         FRED
          Shh. I'm taking a mental photograph
          for my spank bank.

                         (UNDER BREATH)
          Say cheese.

          ED (O.S.)
          Jesus Christ, guys, give it a rest.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          18.
          Rick and Fred turn to see ED LONG, tall, good-looking, mid-
          40's, standing at the creamer counter behind them.

                         RICK
          Oh, hey, Ed. Didn't see you there.

                         ED
          That's because you were shooting
          laser beams at the java babe.

                         RICK
          Well, no, we were just--

                         ED
          Come on, gentlemen, you're married
          men and she's half your age--grow

                         P-
          The guys can't muster a response.

                          ED (CONT'D)
          So I guess I'll be seeing you at
          the house-warming party this
          weekend.

                         RICK
          Hm?

                         ED
          This Saturday afternoon at the new
          casa--we're inally in and we're
          having a little celebration.

                         RICK
          Oh, I don't know if we can--

                         ED
          Your wives already RSVP'd.

                         RICK
          Right on.

                         ED
          'Til then.
          Ed HOLDS OUT HIS FIST to them.

                          ED (CONT'D)
           Come on, pound the potato.
          Rick and Fred reluctantly take turns TAPPING Ed's fist with
          theirs. Then Ed leaves.

                         FRED

                         (UNDER BREATH)
          What a d-bag.

                         RICK
          He's right though.
          Fred looks at Rick.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          19.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          What are we doing sitting here
          gawking at her for? We're married
          men--it's creepy.

                         FRED
          I don't see what the big deal is--
          we're not hurting anyone. What is
          he Big Brother--he's gonna tell me
          what I can look at now? For God
          sakes, don't take that away from me-
          -it's all I got!
          As Rick thinks about this, we...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK'S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT

          CLOSE ON A BABY MONITOR - PULL BACK to reveal that it's in
          the middle of a POKER TABLE next to a pile of ONE-DOLLAR
          BILLS. Sitting around the table PLAYING LIAR'S POKER are
          Rick, Fred, GARY, HOG-HEAD, BAKER, and FLATS, all in their
          mid-30's to mid-40's. Hog-head has a huge melon, Baker is
          husky, Flats is a pale red-head, and Gary is slight and
          squirrelly.

                         BAKER
          Rick, you open.
          Rick takes a fresh DOLLAR BILL off the pile in front of him
          and STUDIES THE SERIAL NUMBERS.

                         RICK
          Four 9's.

                         FRED
          Hey, where's Coakley? How come he
          didn't show?

                         GARY
          Vegas. Hawaiian Tropic finals.
          The guys nod their approval.

                         BAKER
          Man, imagine being Coakley? The
          guy's single, he's loaded, chicks
          love him, he doesn't have to answer
          to anybody.

                         GARY
          That's the life.

                         FRED
          That is the life.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Let me ask you something: What
          would you guys pay to have your way
          with a Hawaiian Tropic girl for an
          entire weekend?
          The guys perk up as they think about this.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          20.

                         HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
          You get to pick any one you want--
          and you know up front that you
          won't get her pregnant, no
          diseases, you're never gonna hear
          from her again, and your wife will
          never find out.

                         GARY
          How's it possible to know that my
          wife won't find out?

                         HOG-HEAD

                         (ANNOYED)
          It's not. I'm saying if it were
          possible, like if I was a magic
          genie and I could grant you this
          wish but then make it like it never
          even happened.

                         FLATS
          But would I still have memory of
          it?

                         HOG-HEAD
          Oh yeah. Great memories.

                         GARY
          Oof. I think I'd pay 500 bucks for
          that.
          Baker shoots him a look.

                         BAKER
          You cheap,bastard. We're talking
          about an investment that gets your
          rocks off and protects your wife's
          feelings. I'd pay five grand.

                         RICK
          Wow.

                         GARY
          Well, excuse me, Mr. Wall Street,
          but us public school teachers
          aren't getting any of that bail-out
          money you're over-tipping everyone
          with.
          Just then, the front door OPENS and Maggie ENTERS.

                         MAGGIE
          Hey, guys.

                         RICK
          Oh, hey, honey. How was the book
          club?

                         MAGGIE
          Great.

                         FRED
          What did you guys read this month?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          21.

                         MAGGIE
          Hemingway.

                         GARY
          Old Man and the Sea?

                         MAGGIE
          No, Muriel's yoga book.
          The guys LAUGH.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Actually, we were supposed to be
          discussing The Sun Also Rises but
          Grace pulled out a bottle of
          tequila and that was the end of
          that. So, did the kids go down
          easy?

                         RICK
          Gunnar and Emma stalled for a
          while, but they weren't bad.

                         MAGGIE
          How about the baby?
          Rick points to the BABY MONITOR in the middle of the table.

                         RICK
          Not a peep.

                         MAGGIE
          Great job. Now win some money,
          honey.
          She kisses Rick and walks out of the room.

                         GARY
          I wish I could drink tequila. It's
          a great buzz but it always gives me
          the spins and then I have to go
          home early.

                         FRED
          You want to know a sure cure for
          the spins?
          Fred puts a hand over his right eye.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Just cover up one eye. It balances
          out the equilibrium.

                         RICK
          Or you could find a nice 12-step
          program.

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          22.

          INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

          As Maggie gets to the top of the stairs, she can hear the
          O.S. SOUND OF THE BABY CRYING. She walks down the hall,
          opens the Baby's door and REACTS.
          HER POV - the exhausted and sweaty Baby is standing in his
          crib, SOBBING. The baby monitor is on the dresser next to
          the crib BLARING out LAUGHTER from the poker game.

          INT. BABY NURSERY - CONTINUOUS


                         MAGGIE
          Oh, you poor thing...
          She hurries to the Baby and PICKS HIM UP.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Silly Daddy... he got the monitors
          mixed-up. Have you been listening
          to those loud-mouths all night?
          As Maggie moves to turn off the monitor, we HEAR:

          FLATS (O.S.)
          .So how 'bout you, Fred--how much
          would you pay to s end an entire
          weekend with one of the hottest
          women in the world?
          Maggie hesitates and LISTENS IN.

          FRED (O.S.)
          I wouldn't have to pay--I'm married
          to her.
          There's a BEAT, then the guys EXPLODE IN LAUGHTER.

          FRED (O.S.) (CONT'D)
          No, seriously, I'd pay five grand,
          easy.
          Maggie's JAW DROPS.

          BACK ON POKER GAME

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          I'd have to figure out a way to get
          it out of the bank without Grace
          noticing, but I suppose the genie
          could help me with that.

                         HOG-HEAD
          You could put me down for seven-
          five.

                         BAKER
          Pfttt. Hog-head, your ass doesn't
          have seven-five.
          More LAUGHTER from the guys as Rick deals out fresh bills.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          23.

                         FLATS
          So what's your number, Rick?

                         RICK
          Oh jeez, Flats, I don't know...

                         FRED
          Come on.. any girl you choose. You
          get to do anything you want with
          her, and your wife will never find
          out. It's completely harmless, a
          one-time thing--what would you pay
          for that?
          BACK ON MAGGIE as she cradles her baby and LEANS CLOSER to
          the monitor.

          RICK (O.S.)
          I honestly don't know, fellas.

          BAKER (O.S.)
          Ballpark.
          PUSH IN ON MAGGIE as she waits nervously for her husband's
          answer.

          RICK (O.S.)
          Well... I've got a great wife and I
          sure wouldn't want to hurt her
          feelings, so...
          Maggie SMILES at this. That's my guy!

          RICK (O.S.) (CONT'D)
          I guess the real question is,
          what wouldn't I pay?!
          The guys LAUGH O.S. and MAGGIE REACTS, as we...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MAGGIE AND RICK'S KITCHEN - LATER

          Maggie's got Rick backed into a corner.

                         MAGGIE
          What wouldn't you pay?!

                         RICK
          I didn't really mean it, honey.
          (scared, defenseless)
          They kind of put me on the spot.
          Look, some of the other guys were
          throwing out some pretty hefty
          bids.

                         MAGGIE
          What does that have to do with
          anything?

                         RICK
          Well... I'm the host of the party, I
          didn't want to be a buzz-kill.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         24
          Maggie squints, appalled.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Look, all I was saying was, there's
          no amount of money I wouldn't pay
          to protect you and the kids.

                         MAGGIE
          How is having sex with a hooker
          protecting me and the kids?

                         RICK
          No one said anything about hookers.

                         MAGGIE
          You were paying for sex--what would
          you call her?

                         RICK

                         (WEAKLY)
          Well.. .the genie was getting the
          dough, not her.

                         (RECOVERING)
          Come on, be reasonable, it was just
          guy-talk--it's not like it could
          really happen.
          Maggie shakes her head, disgusted, and leaves the room.

                         RICK (CONT'D)

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Love you!

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

          Maggie, Grace, and Dr. Lucy eat at an upscale restaurant.
          Dr. Lucy listens quietly to the women.

                         GRACE
          Fred said five grand? What a
          blowhard!

                         MAGGIE
          You know what's even funnier? Hog-
          head McCormick said he'd pay seven
          grand.

                         GRACE
          What?! That bum hasn't worked since
          the dot-com bust--his wife supports
          him!
          The girls LAUGH.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Well, look on the bright side: At
          least they're not cheating on us.

                         MAGGIE
          Sometimes I wonder if it would be
          better if they did cheat and get it
          over with.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          25.

          DR. LUCY
          You mean, rather than take the slow
          boat to resentment?
          The girls look to Dr. Lucy.

          DR. LUCY (CONT'D
          I'm just saying.. .maybe a little
          freedom would be good for them. And
          for you.

                         (BEAT)
          Have you ever considered giving
          them a hall pass?

                         GRACE
          A what?

          DR. LUCY
          A hall pass. A week off from
          marriage.
          Grace and Maggie stop chewing.

                         MAGGIE
          Wait a minute. . .Are you saying let
          them go out and cheat?

          DR. LUCY
          I'm saying give them a week off
          from marriage.

                         (BEAT)
          Look, most married men have foggy
          memories of their single days and
          they somehow get under the
          impression that if not for you,
          they'd be able to be with ail those
          women who entice them.

                         GRACE
          That's Fred. He thinks because he
          sees big tits everywhere and then
          still comes home for dinner that I
          should be welcoming him at the door
          like some conquering hero.
          Dr. Lucy smiles.

          DR. LUCY
          Well, maybe it's time to let them
          go out there and find out what it's
          really like.

                         MAGGIE
          Wow. You're talking about the
          nuclear option.
          Maggie ponders the idea.

                         GRACE
          And remind me again, what good
          could possibly come from this...?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          26.

          DR. LUCY
          There's a wonderful principle in
          psychology called 'reactance
          theory.' It basically states that
          if you're constantly told you can't
          do something, you want to do it
          more than ever. And conversely, if
          you remove the taboo, you remove
          the obsession.
          Grace makes a 't' sound.

                         GRACE

                         (SARCASTIC)
          I got an idea, Doc: Why don't you
          try a hall pass out on your husband
          and let us know how it works out.

          DR. LUCY
          Oh, I have.
          Grace and Maggie REACT to this.

                         MAGGIE
          You're telling us you let Charlie
          sleep with another woman?
          Dr. Lucy takes a moment before answering.

          DR. LUCY
          I am not telling you that. I am
          telling you that I gave him the
          freedom to choose for himself.

                         GRACE
          And...?

          DR. LUCY
          All I know is...our marriage is
          better than ever.
          Grace and Maggie think about this.

                         GRACE
          I don't know. There's a reason that
          men evolved and apes didn't. It's
          because women demanded more.
          Without a wife, Einstein would've
          been humping a maple tree all day.
          As the women LAUGH, we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ED & KIMMY LONG'S ESTATE - DAY

          There are several flashy cars out front of this huge
          McMansion. As Fred and Grace and Rick and Maggie get out of
          Fred's mini-van, Ed Long comes out of the house to greet
          them. (Ed's 5-YEAR-OLD SON is beside him wearing khakis and a
          Polo shirt, just like his father.)

                         GRACE
          There he is! The lord of the manor!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          27.

                         ED
          Come on, everyone in the shack! The
          grand tour's about to begin!

          INT. STUDY - AFTERNOON

          Ed and his wife KIMMY (late-30's, high-maintenance) lead
           Rick, Fred, Maggie, Grace, and SEVERAL OTHER GUESTS into a
          large wood-paneled study. (The Long's 7-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
           sticks to her mother's side WEARING A MATCHING DRESS.)

                          ED
          I call it headquarters.
          LARRY BOHAC, mid-40's, and his blonde bombshell of a wife,
          MANDY, (who wears A TOO-TIGHT T-SHIRT) look around in awe.

                         MANDY
          Un-believable.

                         ED
          That's sweet of you to say, Mandy.

                         LARRY
          It's epic, Ed.
          Ed points to one wall which houses a GLASSED-IN HUMIDOR.

                         ED

                         (RE: HUMIDOR)
          And this over here--this is the war
          room. The temperature in there
          never goes above fifty-four
          degrees, never below fifty-three. I
          even threw in a back-up generator
          in case we lose power and the main
          generator doesn't kick in. Now who
          wants a Cubano? They're the real
          deal--Coakley snagged them on his
          trip to Havana.

                         KIMMY
          Wait a second, Ed, first I want to
          show them Lny headquarters.
          Fred looks at Rick and rolls his eyes.

          INT. MASTER BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          It looks like a Waterworks showroom. Despite its bloated
          opulence, Grace and Maggie can't help but be impressed.

                         KIMMY
          It's my paradise.

                         ED
          With a price tag north of one
          hundred and forty large, it better
          be paradise.
          Ed holds out his fist and Rick obediently POUNDS IT. Just
          then Grace NOTICES that Fred has disappeared.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          28.

                         GRACE
          Hey, where did Fred go?
          Rick turns and sees that he's missing.

          INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE UPSTAIRS - MOMENTS LATER

          Rick walks down a hall and finds Fred in a guest room
          watching a baseball game on TV.

                         RICK
          What are you doing?

                         FRED
          I can't take these look-at-how-much-
          I-own parties. It's obnoxious.
          Rick nods and sits down beside him.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          When I bought my completely-loaded
          Honda Odyssey, I didn't go around
          bragging about it, did I?

                         RICK
          Well, kind of. You made me drive
          around town with you for two hours,
          remember?

                         FRED

                         (DEFENSIVE)
          I thought you'd want to watch a
          movie in a mini-van. You never got
          to watch a movie in a mini-van
          before, did you?
          Rick shrugs.

                         RICK
          Why'd you have to hook your boat up
          to it?

                         FRED
          Because it's the Touring Edition,
          numb-skull. The thing can tow more
          weight than ninety percent of the
          pick-ups out there!

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME

          Everybody is admiring the antique fireplace.

                         KIMMY
          The mantle actually came all the
          way from Tuscany, which is in
          Europe.

                         ED
          Hey, gang, check this out.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          29.

                         KIMMY
          Oh God, Eddie, they don't need to
          see that--they'll think we're
          wackos.
          Ed PUNCHES A CODE into a keypad and the WALL SLIDES OPEN
          revealing a SAFE ROOM.

          INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Maggie, Grace, and the others follow Ed into a safe room
          filled with VIDEO MONITORS surveilling all the rooms in the
          house. When Kimmy ENTERS she pushes a button CLOSING THE

          WALL BEHIND THEM.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh my God... this is like secret
          agent stuff.

                         KIMMY
          I think having a safe room is a bit
          over the top, but Ed feels with our
          two little ones you can never be
          too cautious.

                         GRACE
          Aw, you're such a good daddy.

                         MAGGIE
          (aside to Grace)
          Rick can't even set up the baby
          monitors right.
          Ed points to a monitor where we see Rick and Fred ENTER the
          master bedroom.

                         ED
          Here come Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-
          dum.
          CLOSE ON VIDEO MONITOR - we see Rick and Fred cross over to
          the master bathroom doorway and look in.

          RICK (ON MONITOR)
          .All I'm saying is, who gets a
          mini-van when you don't even have
          any kids?

          FRED (ON MONITOR)
          You don't know much about the
          insurance game, do you, Rick? When
          you pull into a person's driveway
          to sell them life insurance, who do
          you think they'd rather see? A hot-
          shot in a Porsche or a family man
          in a mini-van? Hm?
          Rick looks around the empty room.

          RICK (ON MONITOR)
          Hey, where'd everyone go?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          30.

                         GRACE

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Guys, we're in here!

                         KIMMY
          They can't hear you. The room's
          completely soundproof.

                         ED
          And bulletproof.
           ON VIDEO MONITOR WALL - we see Rick and Fred LEAVE ONE SCREEN
          and ENTER ANOTHER.

          INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS

          Rick and Fred walk back into Ed's study.

                         RICK
          They must've gone downstairs.
          Fred motions to Ed's humidor room.

                         FRED

                         (BRITISH ACCENT)
          Thanks for coming to the war room,
          old chap. By the way, did I mention
          that my wife's vagina never goes
          above fifty-four degrees, nor below
          fifty-three.

          INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Larry Bohac CHUCKLES and Grace shifts uncomfortably.

                         GRACE
          Uh, maybe we should turn this off.
          But Ed turns THE VOLUME UP.
          CLOSE ON MONITOR - Rick plays along with a BAD BRITISH

          ACCENT.

          RICK (ON MONITOR)
          Is that so, dear boy? And what
          happens if you lose power during a
          big blow and your main generator
          doesn't kick in?

          FRED (ON MONITOR)
          Well that's why I had the back-up
          generator installed in Kimmy's
          rumpus.
          Kimmy makes a face, shocked.

                         GRACE
          (under breath; resigned)
          Here we go...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          31.

          INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS


                         RICK
          Hey, speaking of installations, is
          that a shiny new set of cans on
          Mandy Bohac?

                         FRED
          Either that or she's wearing her
          daughter's t-shirt.

          INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          CLOSE ON Mandy's surprised face. She looks at Larry, who's
          suddenly not so amused.

          INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS


                          RICK
          They look good but I'll still take
          the real deal any day.

                         FRED
          Right. You're telling me you'd take
          Kimmy Long's flapjacks over Mandy's
          new speedbags?

                         RICK
          That's what I'm telling you. I like
          boobs with a little mileage on 'em.
          They're more fun.

                         FRED
          Fun?

                         RICK
          Yeah. You can smoosh 'em, swing
          'em, hump 'em, Stretch-Armstrong
          'em.

                         FRED
          And what about the proven
          correlation between floppy boobs
          and large-mouth vaginas?

          SMASH CUT TO:

          EXT. ED & KIMMY LONG'S ESTATE - MOMENTS LATER

          Maggie and Grace hurry down the front walk trailed by their
          shell-shocked husbands. A trembling and IRATE Kimmy is held
          back at the door by Ed and a couple other Guests.

                         KIMMY
          You people are horrible! Horrible!

                         ED

                         (CALLING OUT)
          I'm very disappointed, gentlemen!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          32.

          INT. MINI-VAN - DAY

          No one speaks. Grace drives and Maggie sits beside her,
          humiliation etched across their faces. Finally:

                         FRED
          Uh, anyone thinking chocolate chip
          cookie dough in a waffle cone?
          Grace YANKS the mini-van to the side of the road and GLARES

          BACK AT HIM.

                         GRACE
          Large-mouth vaginas?!
          As the guys cower, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK & MAGGIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          Rick looks small and weak sitting on the couch while Maggie
          stands across from him rubbing her temples. It looks like
          the Norman Rockwell painting where the mom reprimands her
          little boy for sneaking a frog into the house.

                         MAGGIE
          You know what really troubles me?
          The thing that you're all so
          obsessed with is meaningless to
          you. It's really just about numbers
          with you guys.
          Rick looks up, confused.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Rick, you can't even tel me the
          month you lost your virginity. I
          can tell you the exact day and hour
          that I lost mine.
          Rick seems a little embarrassed by this.

                         RICK
          Well, virginity is different for
          guys.

                         MAGGIE
          The point is, obviously I like sex,
          too--it means something to me--but
          I don't walk around gawking at
          every guy I see.

                         RICK
          All right, so I occasionally notice
          other women. I'm sorry.

                         MAGGIE
          Occasionally?
          Rick rakes his hands through his hair and decides to come
          clean.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          33.

                         RICK
          Okay, you want the truth? You
          really want me to pull back the
          curtain here? From the moment I
          leave the house in the morning 'til
          the moment I get home, I pretty
          much notice every woman in my path.
          Maggie turns to face him.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          But it's not how you think it is,
          Mags. It's like... it's like a
          curse. I don't want to notice, but
          I can't help it. It's always been
          like that. I figured that when I
          c jot married that would be it, but
          it wasn't--the thing,doesn't give
          two shits about marriage.

                         MAGGIE

                         (HURT)
          So what are you saying--you're not
          happy with our sex life?
          Rick reaches up and takes her hand.

                         RICK
          No. Of course I'm happy, honey--our
          sex life is great--not that I
          wouldn't mind a little more, but--
          look, one thing has nothing to do
          with the other. I think about sex a
          lot--all guys do--that's just the
          way it is.
          Maggie sits down beside him, clearly at the end of her rope.
          No one speaks for a few moments. Then:

                         MAGGIE
          I'm giving you a hall pass.

                         RICK
          A what?

                         MAGGIE
          One week off from marriage.

                         RICK
          You mean, like a trial separation?
          You are seriously overreacting.

                         MAGGIE
          It's not a separation, it's a hall
          pass. You can do whatever you want.
          Get it out of your system.

                         RICK

                         (BEAT)
          Wait a minute--are you for real?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          34.

                         MAGGIE
          It's not a yes or no offer, and
          it's not a debate. You're getting a
          hall pass.
          As Maggie heads upstairs, we PUSH IN on a confused Rick.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S KITCHEN - MORNING

          Maggie is washing out a pan at the sink when Rick ENTERS
          dressed for work. We hear the O.S. SOUNDS of The Wiggles
          coming from a TV in another room.

                         RICK
          'Morning.

                         MAGGIE
          (not facing him)
          There's a couple hard-boiled eggs
          in a bowl there for you.

                         RICK
          I'm gonna have to take them to go,
          hon, I've got a showing in fifteen
          minutes.
          Rick puts the eggs in his pocket, then approaches Maggie and
          kisses her on the cheek.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Hey, about this hall pass
          business.. .1 don't want it and I
          don't need it. All I need is--

                         MAGGIE
          I told you, this isn't negotiable.
          She turns and faces him.

                         RICK
          You're really serious about this?

                         MAGGIE
          Rick, this isn't something that
          I...look, I really think you need
          this. I think we need this.
          Rick doesn't know what to say.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          This afternoon I'm taking the kids
          out to my parent's beach house.
          Rick REACTS to this.

                         RICK
          For how long?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          35.

                         MAGGIE
          We'll be back in one week. And as
          far as I'm concerned, starting
          right now. .. you have the week off
          from marriage.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - DAY

          This is a big shiny place. All fixed-up. Fred pulls up in
          his mini-van and gets out. He walks past a Coldwell Banker
          For Sale sign with Rick's name on it.

          INT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - SAME

          Rick is showing the kitchen to a COUPLE, mid-40's, when Fred

          ENTERS.

                         RICK
          Hey, what are you doing here?

                         FRED
          I called your office and they told
          me you were in the neighborhood.
          Rick turns to the couple.

                         RICK
          Oh, this is a friend of mine, Fred
          Searing. Fred, this is Harold and
          Nancy Goldberg--they're moving up
          here from Long Island.

                         FRED
          Well, mazel tov, folks.
          The Goldbergs look at Fred a little warily as he takes out a
          card.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Here, let me give you my card.
          Home, auto, or life insurance--I'm
          the go-to mensch in town.

                         HAROLD GOLDBERG
          We're good on insurance.
          Rick quickly jumps in.

                         RICK
          (to the Goldbergs)
          Uh, why don't you two take another
          look around and if you have any
          questions I'll be right here.

                         HAROLD GOLDBERG
          Thank you.
          The Goldbergs walk out and Rick closes the door behind them.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          36.

                         RICK

                         (HUSHED)
          What the he 1 are you doing--I'm
          trying to make a sale here.

                         FRED
          You weren't picking up your cell--I
          wanted to see how much trouble you
          got in last night. You know what
          Grace made me do? She made me call
          the Longs and apologize.
          Rick flinches.

                         RICK
          Oof .

                         FRED
          How 'bout you--did Maggie freak out
          when you got home?

                         RICK
          Uh... sort of.
          Rick peeks out the kitchen door to make sure the Goldberg's
          aren't listening. Then:

                          RICK (CONT'D)
          She gave me a hall pass.

                         FRED
          A what?

                         RICK
          A week off from marriage to do
          whatever I want. She's going to her
          parents' house down the Cape 'til
          next Sunday.
          Fred SNICKERS.

                         FRED
          Yeah, right.

                         RICK
          I'm serious.

                         FRED
          You're full of shit.

                         RICK
          Fred, it's true. You think I could
          make something like this up?
          Fred stares at him.

                         FRED
          I don't get it--why aren't you more
          excited?

                         RICK
          Well...I don't know how I feel.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          37.

                         FRED
          About...?

                         RICK
          The hall pass. Something about it
          isn't right.

                         FRED
          You mean, like, you think Maggie
          might have a brain tumor or
          something?

                         RICK
          No. I mean, just because my wife
          tells me it's okay to cheat... is
          it?

                         FRED
          Uh, yeah.

                         (BEAT)
          Why can't you just accept the fact
          that your wife is a goddamn saint,
          Rick? She's evolved. Don't you see?
          She gets it!

                         RICK
          Yeah, but there's a part of me
          that's saying, 'Wow, you must have
          pushed her pretty hard to get her
          to this point.' And is that good
          for a marriage? That your wife is
          willing to try something this
          insane?
          Fred can't believe his ears.

                         FRED
          Absolutely!

                         (BEAT)
          Come on, doesn't it bother you that
          our wives dreams all come true, but
          ours don't? Look at Maggie; when
          she was a kid she played house--you
          g a ve her a house. She played with
          her E-Z-Bake Oven--you bought her a
          Viking. She played mommy--you made
          her a mommy.

                         RICK
          The oven's a GE.

                         FRED
          It's a real gas oven! And what
          about you, huh? Come on, man, your
          wife is living her dreams.. .and now
          it's time for you to live yours.
          As Rick thinks about this, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. FRED & GRACE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          Fred and Grace climb the stairs at the end of the day.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          38.

                         FRED
          I don't know, I think this is some
          very forward-thinking on Maggie's
          part.

                         GRACE
          Quit lobbying--you're not getting a
          hall pass. And you mark my words,
          this is going to end up biting
          Maggie in the ass.
          At the top of the stairs Fred puts his arms around her.

                         FRED
          Why would I need a hall pass? I've
          got you.

                         GRACE
          Not tonight you don't. I'm too
          bloated and I have cramps.

                         FRED
          I don't mind.

                         GRACE
          Fred, do I have to spell it out for
          you? I'm having my period.

                         FRED

                         (MATTER-OF-FACT)
          Yeah, I got that.
          He moves in for a kiss but she pulls away.

                         GRACE
          Come on, hon, give me a break. Not
          tonight.
          Disappointed, Fred watches her walk toward the bedroom.

                         FRED

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Oh, shit--I forgot to take the
          trash out.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. FRED & GRACE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

           Fred's mini-van is parked on the street in front of his home.
           We HEAR Styx's The Best of Times coming from inside the car
          and we MOVE IN CLOSER until we're...
          LOOKING THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW at Fred. He's sitting
          in the driver's seat; his EYES ARE CLOSED and his head is
          slung back as he JERKS-OFF (just below frame) to the MUSIC.
          A POLICE CRUISER passes in the b.g., then a moment later
          BACKS INTO FRAME and STOPS NEXT TO FRED.
          As the two POLICE OFFICERS look on from their car trying to
          figure out what the guy is doing, the oblivious Fred
          continues to STROKE HIS MEAT to the BEAT.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          39.
          Officer #1 gets out of the driver's side. He DISAPPEARS FROM
          FRAME and then REAPPEARS at Fred's driver's side window. Now
          only inches from Fred, he bends over and LOOKS INSIDE THE

          CAR.
          The Officer motions for his partner to join him. As Fred
          continues to POUND HIMSELF TO THE MUSIC, Officer #2 climbs
          out of the cruiser. He takes out his flashlight and SHINES
          IT ON FRED'S O.S. LAP. As the weary officers look at each
          other with a NOW-WE'VE-SEEN-IT-ALL EXPRESSION, we...

                         CUT TO:

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          The police lights are FLASHING now and several NEIGHBORS have
          gathered on their front lawns to see what's going on.
          PAN to Fred's front steps where we see a HANDCUFFED Fred
          standing meekly as the two Police Officers confer with a
          furious-looking Grace (in her bathrobe.)

                         OFFICER #1
          All right, ma'am, if you say he's
          yours.. .you can have him.
          The Officer TAKES OFF FRED'S HANDCUFFS.

                         GRACE
          Thank you, officers.
          Fred scurries into the house ahead of Grace. As soon as the
          door shuts, we HEAR:

          GRACE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

          WHAT KIND OF SICK PRICK JERKS OFF

          IN HIS OWN FRONT YARD?!
          As the Police Officers head back to their car, we go...
          CLOSE ON a smiling Fred.

                         FRED
           I got a Hall Pass!

          INT. RICK'S OFFICE - DAY

          Rick is at his desk staring at a giddy Fred.

                         RICK
          How?

                         FRED
          Doesn't matter how. I got one. Can
          you believe it?! I got a hall pass!
          Rick stands up, elated.

                         RICK
          And I've got a hall pass!

                         FRED
          We both have hall passes!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          40.

                         RICK
          When does yours start?
          Fred looks at his watch.

                         FRED
          Twenty-three minutes ago! She just
          left for the Cape--she's staying
          with Maggie. It's just you and me
          for the next six days!

                         RICK
          Oh my God, do you realize how much
          easier this is going to make it--
          having a hall pass partner?

                         FRED
          And it's not just me--Baker, Gary,
          and Hog-head are coming out with us
          tonight!

                         RICK
          No way?! They got hall passes,
          too?!

                         FRED
          No, no, no--they just want to
          watch.
          Rick grows concerned.

                         RICK
          You think that's a good idea,
          letting them in on it? What if they
          blab and it gets around town--it
          might embarrass our wives.

                         FRED
          Don't worry, I already talked to
          them. Their lips are sealed.
          Rick and Fred smile.

                          FRED (CONT'D)
           We're living the dream, baby!

           SMASH CUT TO:
           Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                          DAY 1

          EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

           Rick, Fred, and their MIDDLE-AGED POSSE (Baker, Hog-head &
           Gary) walk across a boulevard like rock stars. (Think of the
          SLO-MO shots from Swingers or Reservoir Dogs.) Nobody
          smiles, they're all business as they hit the sidewalk and
          march straight into ...APPLEBEE'S.

          INT. APPLEBEE'S - MOMENTS LATER

          They step up to the bar.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          41.

                         RICK

                         (TO BARTENDER)
          Five MGD's, my friend.
          While waiting for the beers, the guys CHECK OUT THE SCENE.
          It's mostly FAMILIES, a few YOUNG COUPLES.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          The guy at the Holiday Inn Express
          told me this place really kicks in
          around nine-thirty.

                         BAKER
          Hey, why are you staying at a hotel
          if your wives are out of town?

                         FRED
          Well, we can't very well take babes
          back to our places--if they know
          where we live they might end up
          stalking us.

                         RICK
          Besides, I wouldn't be able to
          concentrate with all the pictures
          everywhere and the kids' cut-outs
          all over the fridge.

                         GARY
          Yeah, isn't it weird how your own
          kids can creep you out sometimes?
          Rick shoots Gary a look.

                         FRED
          I get the feeling there's a lot of
          divorcees in this place.

                         HOG-HEAD
          That's good. Divorcees are into
          kinky sex--that's why they're
          divorced.
          Just then the BARTENDER arrives with the Miller Genuine
          Drafts and the guys CLINK BOTTLES.

                         HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
          So come on, point out which girls
          you guys are gonna do tonight.
          Gary elbows Fred as he spots TWO MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN at the end
          of the bar.

                         GARY
          What about those two? Why don't you
          bang them?

                         FRED
          No way. They're doing the

                         SWEATSHIRT-AROUND-THE-WAIST THING--
          they're obviously hiding something
          back there.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         42

                         GARY
          Okay, how about the blonde hostess?
          Maybe somebody should nail her,
          huh?

                         RICK
          Attempt to be cool, Gary--we've got
          a whole week.
          Baker looks around at the lame bar scene.

                         BAKER
          Are you guys sure that Applebee's
          is the best place to be picking up
          women?

                         RICK
          What are you thinking--Olive
          Garden?

                         GARY
          Nah, that's only good on Thursday
          nights.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Hey, what about the auto show?
          Baker shoots them a look.

                         BAKER
          Are you guys for real?

                         GARY
          Wait a second--where's Coakley?
          That's where we should be.

                         BAKER
          He's in Iceland.

                         RICK
          What's he doing there?

                         BAKER
          What do you think he's doing there?
          The guys all nod at this, proud of him.

                         RICK
          Look, before we go bagging any
          chicks, I gotta get a hunk of beef
          in me.

                         GARY
          Hey, I got a guy over at Outback
          Steak House who could set us up.

                         BAKER
          Ooooh, he's got pull over at
          Outback. Wow.

                         RICK
          Hey, I like Outback. Let's chug
          these and hit the road.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          43.
          As the guys drink up, Hog-head puts his arm around Gary.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Hey, Gar, you don't happen to have
          any connections at 7/11, do ya?
          Maybe someone could hook me up with
          a player's card so I can cut right
          to the front of the raspberry
          slurpy line.
           The guys all LAUGH, as we

                          CUT TO:

           ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CAPE COD BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT
           This is an old summer shack nestled on a quiet bluff
           overlooking the sound.

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - SAME

           Grace stands at the window staring out on the ocean, while
           Maggie nestles on the couch reading a summer novel. The kids
           are asleep and the place is quiet.

                         GRACE
          I think we might've made a huge
          mistake.

                         MAGGIE
          Stop thinking about it, Grace. Why
          don t you just try to get some
          sleep?
          Grace turns to Maggie.

                         GRACE
          Sleep? I can't sleep. I don't
          understand you--how can you Just
          sit there and read knowing that
          Rick could be making out with a
          supermodel right now?
          Maggie doesn't answer.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Our husbands aren't married this
          week. Do you know what husbands do
          when they're not married?

                         MAGGIE
          Shh. You're going to wake the kids.

                         GRACE
          Are you going to sit there and tell
          me you're not the least bit
          concerned about what they're doing
          right now?
          Maggie SIGHS.

                         MAGGIE
          Okay... I'm a little concerned.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          44.
          Grace flops into the chair across from her.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Of course I'm concerned. But what
          choice did we have?

                         GRACE
          We could've kept the status quo. I
          mean, were things really that bad
          that we had to try something this
          extreme?

                         MAGGIE
          For me they were.

                         (BEAT)
          Look, you may call this a hall
          pass, but for me it's more of a
          Hail Mary pass. I'm serious, I
          don't know what else to do.
          Grace looks at Maggie, surprised.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Remember last week when we went to
          Lucy's award thing?
          Grace nods.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          That night when we got home, Rick
          and I were gonna.. .you know... and I
          was waiting for him in bed while he
          tucked the kids in, and I started
          wondering who he would be thinking
          about during sex. Would it be the
          girl he checked out on the way into
          the party? Or would it be Missy
          Frankenfield--because I noticed him
          gawking at her? Or how about one of
          the waitresses, or maybe somebody
          he saw at work that day? Then when
          he came into the room, I did
          something I'd never done before: I
          pretended to be asleep.

                         GRACE
          You're kidding me? You've never
          done that? I do that all the time!
          Maggie almost smiles.

                         MAGGIE
          Look, I understand that people have
          fantasies and that you're not
          always thinking about the person
          you're with.

                         GRACE
          That's for sure.

                         MAGGIE
          But it's just...I don't know... it's
          been too long since I felt that he
          was thinking about me.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          45.
          They sit there for a moment, quiet. Then:

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          I need this hall pass to work,
          Grace, because if it doesn't, I
          don't know what's going to happen.

                         CUT TO:

          ESTABLISHING SHOT OF OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE - NIGHT
          We see two VERY OLD COUPLES walking out with doggie bags.

          INT. OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE - SAME

          Our five guys are in a MEAT COMA, slouched in their chairs
          nursing red wines and talking through PURPLE TEETH. Several

          EMPTY WINE BOTTLES, MARTINI GLASSES, HALF-EATEN STEAKS,
          CARVED UP POTATO AU GRATIN and CREAMED SPINACH PLATES, and
          MANGLED KEY-LIME PIES litter the table.

                         BAKER
          Okay... so where to now?
          Rick can't think in this state.

                         RICK
          Fred...?

                         FRED
          Hm?

                         RICK
          Answer Baker.

                         FRED
          What's the question?

                         RICK
          What are we doing for the rest of
          the night?

                         FRED

                         (DISINTERESTED)
          I don't know. Getting laid, right?

                         HOG-HEAD
          I gotta go home and poo.

                         BAKER
          Now?

                         HOG-HEAD
          Yeah, I put too much Hollandaise on
          the mozzarella sticks.

                         GARY
          Why don't you just back one out
          here?

                         HOG-HEAD
          I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need a
          bath afterwards.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          46.
          Baker musters some initiative and STANDS UP.

                         BAKER
          Come on, you guys! I say we go to a
          strip club and smoke cigars--
          that 11 wake us up!

                         RICK
          I got a better idea.
          Rick STRETCHES.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Let's go night-night.

                         BAKER
          What?

                         RICK
          I say we tie a bow on it and put
          her to bed. This is gonna be a long
          week so we should pace ourselves.
          Baker looks at his watch.

                         BAKER
          It's only nine-thirty!

                         FRED
          I'm with Rico.

                         (YAWNS)
          Freddy tie-tie.

                         GARY

                         (DISAPPOINTED)
          Are you guys serious?

                         RICK
          Relax, guys, this is just the calm
          before the storm. Get out the
          plywood and batten down the
          hatches.

                         FRED
          That's right. Tonight we build up
          strength, tomorrow we make
          landfall.

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         DAY 2

          EXT. GOLF COURSE - MORNING

          Rick, Fred, Hog-head, and Gary are stretching on the first
          tee of a local FOUR-STAR GOLF RESORT while taking in the
          sights. Nearby, we see the hotel swimming pool lined with
          ATTRACTIVE WOMEN in bikinis.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          47.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Wow. This place sure beats the hell
          out of the Holiday Inn Express. Why
          aren't you staying here?

                         RICK
          Too pricey. Besides, since we're
          paying for golf we get full access
          to the resort--including the pool
          bar.

                         FRED
          Mothers, lock up your daughters--
          the dogs are off the leash!

                         RICK
          Turn-and-burn, baby!
          Gary raises his hand for a HIGH-FIVE, but Rick balks.

                          RICK (CONT'D)
          Nope. I don't do that.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Hey, I say screw the golf--let's go
          straight to the pool bar and start
          getting you guys laid!

                         RICK
          Hoch-head, relax, the pool bar ain't
          going nowhere. Besides, it'll be
          good for us to get a little sun
          before making our grand entrance--
          chicks love a healthy glow.

                         FRED
          Plus it wouldn't hurt to work up a
          little sweat--get those pheromones
          flying.
          Just then, two sexy BEER-CART GIRLS wave as they pass.

                          HOG-HEAD
          You talked me into it.

                         GARY
          Hey, guys, look what I brought.
          Gary holds up a ZIPLOCK BAG full of something chocolatey.

                         RICK
          What's that?

                         GARY
          Pot brownskies.
          The guys all look at one another, baffled.

                         RICK
          What, are we on spring break? Where
          the hell'd you get those?

                         GARY
          I got an in.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          48.

                         FRED
          With who?

                         GARY
          Guy who washes my dog. Go ahead.
          He holds out the bag and the guys hesitate.

                         GARY (CONT'D)
          Eating it isn't like smoking it.
          It's a much mellower buzz--you'll
          just feel relaxed.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Are they chocolatey?
          As Hog-Head SNIFFS the brownies, Rick takes a practice swing.

                         RICK
          Hog-head, come on, who eats pot
          brownies at eleven in the morning
          when they're playing golf?

                         HOG-HEAD
          John Daly?

                         GARY
          And by the way, Rick, this is
          spring break! You've got a hall
          pass! Live it up, man! It'll
          probably help your rap with the
          ladies later.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Gary's right--when are we ever
          gonna get the chance to do pot
          brownies again?
          Hog-Head takes a brownie and BITES INTO IT.

                         HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
          Mmm. These are yummy.

                         RICK
          You don't even have a hall pass.

                         HOG-HEAD
          So? I can still live vicariously
          through you guys, can't I?

                         RICK
          It's not vicarious if you're
          actually doing it.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Whatever. Just hit your ball.
          Hog-Head takes ANOTHER BITE.

                         FRED
          Oh, what the hell, it's not like my
          game can get any worse.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          49.
          Rick watches Fred pick up a brownie and TENTATIVELY TASTE IT.
          Then Gary INHALES HIS IN ONE BITE.

                         RICK
          All right, give me one of those
          things.
          As Rick drops his club and walks toward the brownies, we

                         SUPER:

                          75 MINUTES LATER

          EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

          A dazed and confused Rick and Fred are RECLINING in their
          cart in the middle of the fairway. For a while neither of
          them speak. Then:

                         FRED
          What kind of soap do you use?

                         RICK

                         (BEAT)
          You mean in the shower?

                         FRED
          Yeah.

                         RICK
          Dove.

                         FRED
          Yeah, I like Dove--it doesn't dry
          your skin so much.
          Fred stares into space.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Sometimes it's hard to wash off,
          though. Because of the moisturizer.
          You ever notice--?

                         RICK
          I think Hog-head's dead.
          Fred looks over and sees Hog-head SPRAWLED OUT ON HIS BACK IN
          A SAND TRAP. He's not moving.

                         FRED

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Hog-head...? Are you okay?
          As Hog-head starts to make SNOW ANGELS IN THE SAND, an
          elderly COURSE RANGER pulls up in a golf cart.

                         RANGER
          What the hell is he doing?
          Rick and Fred grow visibly tense at the sight of an authority
          figure.

                         RICK
          Uh, he's having back spasms.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          50.

                         RANGER
          Not him. Him.
          Rick and Fred turn and see Gary STANDING CHEST-DEEP in the
          MIDDLE OF A POND just STARING AT THEM.

                         RICK

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Gary! What are you doing?!

                         GARY
          I don't know--you tell me!
          Gary starts to LAUGH MANIACALLY. The Ranger turns to Rick,
          annoyed.

                         RANGER
          Look, this is the third time I've
          had to flag your group and you're
          only on the fourth hole. Now if I
          have to come out here again, you're
          done for the day.

                         RICK
          Gotcha. We'll pick it up, sir.
          The Ranger shoots them a look and DRIVES OFF toward the TWO
          ASIAN FOURSOMES waiting on the tee behind them.

                         CUT TO:

                         SUPER:

                          27 MINUTES LATER

          EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

          The four guys are unnaturally bunched together on another
          fairway.

                         RICK
          Think. Where did you last see it?

                         GARY
          On the course.

                         RICK
          Where on the course?

                         GARY
          I don't know--on a fairway, I
          think. I clot out, grabbed my club,
          took a swing, and when I turned
          around it had disappeared.

                         RICK
          You're serious? You're telling us
          you lost your golf cart?

                         FRED

                         (STONER VOICE)
          Dude, where's my golf cart?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          51.

                         RICK
          Shut up, Fred.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Guys, I gotta go poo again.

                         GARY
          I didn't lose it, I think it was
          stolen.

                         RICK

                         (ANNOYED)
          Who would steal a golf cart?
          Gary shrugs.

                         GARY
          Criminals?

                         HOG-HEAD
          Does anyone have any napkins?

                         GARY
          Look, all I know is I had it on the
          seventh tee and now it's gone.

                         RICK
          What are you talking about? We're
          only on the sixth hole.

                         GARY
          What? Did we miss a hole? Where's
          my kids?
          Rick closes his eyes and rubs his head, trying to keep it
          together. Then he NOTICES something O.S..

                         RICK
          Oh, come on, man!
          ANOTHER ANGLE REVEALS Hog-head down in a greenside bunker
          PULLING UP HIS PANTS. As he starts to KICK SAND over his
          O.S. POOP like a cat in its litter box, we HEAR a noise and
          the guys look up.
          THEIR POV - the Golf Ranger comes flying over a hill heading
          straight for them.

                         FRED
          Run for it!
          The guys run toward Rick's cart, jump in, and take off. Rick
          and Fred are in the seats, while Gary and Hog-head HANG OFF
          THE BACK. The cart BARRELS down a cart path with the Ranger

          HOT IN PURSUIT.

                         GARY
          He's gaining on us!

                         RICK
          I can't go any faster, I've got it
          floored!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          52.

                         FRED
          Cut through the woods!
          Without slowing down, Rick TURNS SHARPLY TO THE RIGHT and
          Gary and Hog-head TUMBLE OUT OF THE CART.
          With panic etched across their sweaty faces, Gary and Hog-
          head quickly jump to their feet and run after the cart. Rick
          slows just enough for them to catch up and jump back on, then
          he speeds down a maintenance path and DISAPPEARS INTO THE

          WOODS.

          EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY

          Ed and Kimmy Long are sitting at an outside table having
          lunch with their two young children. Their 7-Year-Old
          Daughter is again dressed just like her mother and the 5-Year-
          Old Son is dressed like the father.

                         7-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
          Hey, Mom, look!
          The family turns to see...
          THEIR POV - a stoned-looking Rick, Fred, Hog-head and Gary
          are driving the golf cart down the city street. They stop at
          a traffic light beside them. All the guys stare straight
          ahead, ZOMBIE-LIKE, except for Fred who NOTICES the Longs.
          He nods.

                         FRED
          Ed. Kimmy. Clones.
          The light changes and as the golf cart DRIVES OFF through the
          busy intersection, we go
          BACK ON ED AND KIMMY shaking their heads.

                         KIMMY
          Their poor wives.

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         DAY 3

          EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATE AFTERNOON

          It's a picture perfect day as a THOUSAND PEOPLE watch a Cape
          Cod League baseball game rom the comfort of their picnic
          blankets. The home team has loaded the bases in the bottom
          of the ninth and Grace, Maggie, MAGGIE'S PARENTS, and the
          kids are CLAPPING ALONG WITH THE CROWD.
          CRACK! The BATTER HITS A ROPE TO RIGHT FIELD, and as the
          TYING and WINNING RUNS SCORE the PLACE GOES WILD.

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          The PLAYERS and FANS mingle on the field immediately after
          the game.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          53.
          Grace and Maggie stand near the pitcher's mound as they watch
          Maggie's kids run the bases. The wives look TANNED and
          REFRESHED from several days laying on the beach.
          Just then a big, goofy kid named GERRY approaches. He's a
          strapping 22-year-old first baseman from Puerto Rico with a
          perpetual SHIT-EATING GRIN.

                         GERRY
          Hey, I'm Gerry--thanks for coming
          out and supporting us.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh, it was fun. You guys looked
          good.

                         GERRY
          Thanks.
          Gerry glances back at his TEAMMATES who are clearly egging
          him on.

                         GERRY (CONT'D)
          So...we saw you sitting up there
          with those little kids--are you
          nannies or something?
          The girls aren't immune to flattery and they smile.

                         MAGGIE
          No, they're my kids.

                         GERRY

                         (DUBIOUS)
          Yeah, right. You have three kids?

                         MAGGIE
          Uh-huh.
          A couple other PLAYERS amble over.

                         GERRY
          Dudes, they're not nannies, they're
          mommies.

                         PLAYER #2
          No way?!

                         GRACE
          Well, she is, not me. I'm not old
          enough yet.
          Maggie and the players LAUGH.

          RICK COLEMAN (O.S.)
          Guys!
          The players turn to see their coach, RICK COLEMAN,
          approaching with MAGGIE'S FATHER, mid-70's.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          Time to pack things up--let's go!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          54.
          The Players quickly scatter.

                         MAGGIE'S FATHER
          Maggie, Grace, this is Rick Coleman-
          -the coach.
           Rick Coleman is a granite-jawed 38-year-old with a good head
          of hair and an easy-going manner.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          I hope those clowns weren't
          bothering you.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh, no, they were sweet.

                         GRACE
          Yeah. Cute kids.

                         MAGGIE
          So you're the guy who's been taking
          money off my dad every Saturday on
          the golf course?

                         RICK COLEMAN
          I hate to break it to you but your
          old man's the one who's been taking
          all the money--he's a thief.
          Maggie's Father LAUGHS.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          Hey, everyone's coming back to my
          place for some beers and a barbecue-
          -why don't you join us?

                         MAGGIE
          Oh, thanks, but we've gotta get the
          kids home.

                         MAGGIE'S FATHER
          Your mom and I will take 'em home.
          You two go out and have a good time-
          -cripes, you haven't been out all
          week.
          Grace perks up at this.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh, I don't know, Dad, we really

                         HADN'T PLANNED--

                         GRACE
          Excuse me, can I have a word with
          you?
          Grace pulls Maggie aside.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)

                         (WHISPERING)
          What's your problem?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          55.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh, come on, Grace, these guys are
          barely out of college, and, in case
          you've forgotten, we're married.

                         GRACE
          To who? Last I heard, Rick and Fred
          had the week off from marriage. So
          remind me again--who are we married
          to?
          Maggie thinks about this.

                         MAGGIE
          Well...I guess one beer won't kill
          us.

                         GRACE

                         (SMILING)
          That's my girl.
          Grace glances over at the ballplayers.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Why shouldn't we have fun? God
          knows our guys are living it up.

                         CUT TO:

          A CLOSE-UP OF HOG-HEAD

                         HOG-HEAD
          What would you guys rather do--make-
          out with a guy or let him blow you?
          PULL BACK TO REVEAL that...

          INT. ESPN SPORTS ZONE BAR - CONTINUOUS

          .Our five guys are sitting at the bar drinking beer and
          devouring plates of HOT WINGS. Around them we see about
          fifty TV's BLARING twenty different sporting events. There's
          ESPN logos everywhere and not a woman in sight.

                         HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
          And you've gotta pick one or
          someone in your family will die--
          that's the rule.

                         GARY
          Oh boy, that's a toughie.

                         FRED
          How long would you have to make-out
          with him?

                         HOG-HEAD
          Ten minutes.

                         RICK
          Tongue?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          56.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Of course.

                         FRED
          And how long would he have to blow
          you?

                         HOG-HEAD
          Seven minutes.

                         GARY
          Oof. I mean, getting blown by a
          dude is bad, but making out with a
          guy, it's so.. .intimate.

                         RICK
          You think it's more intimate than
          getting blown by a guy?

                         GARY
          Way more.

                         BAKER
          All right, the hell with this shit,
          I'm outta here.
          Baker gets up from his stool.

                         RICK

                         (TAKEN ABACK)
          What? Why?

                         BAKER
          I wanted to watch you guys pick up
          chicks, not talk about dicks.

                         FRED
          Hey, greased lightning, let off the
          gas--sometimes these things take
          time.

                         GARY
          Baker's right. This is day three
          and you haven't even talked to a
          girl.

                         RICK

                         (POINTED)
          That's not exactly accurate, Gary.
          Thanks to your scrumptious
          brownies, I did spend half of last
          night talking to Judy on the drug-
          and-poison hotline.
          Hog-head and Gary stand.

                         HOG-HEAD
          I guess I'm gonna get going, too.

                         GARY
          Yeah, this is boring. You guys are
          pussies.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          57.

                         FRED
          Hey, I haven't seen you guys talk
          to any girls.

                         BAKER
          We don't have hall passes!

                         (SHAKES HEAD)
          Come on, guys, let's go.
          The three friends start to leave but Hog-head stops and
          turns.

                         HOG-HEAD
          Hey, guys, it's all right if you
          strike-out.. .but for godsakes, at
          least take a couple of swings.
          A moment later the guys are gone and a humbled Rick and Fred
          sit there feeling alone.

                         FRED

                         (BEING BRAVE)
          This is actually good--you know,
          that they're leaving. You don't
          need five hunters to bag two birds.

                         RICK
          No, you do not. And I love those
          guys but, let's be honest, they're
          not exactly chick-magnets.

                         FRED
          You can say that again. Yep, the
          steak always looks better if you
          trim away some of the fat. And
          let's face it, we are the steak.

                         RICK
          Dream team, baby.
          The guys CLINK BEERS. Then:

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Maybe we should call the girls and
          ask them to come home.
          Fred glances at him, aghast.

                         FRED
          What?

                         RICK
          Who are we kidding, man? Do you
          really think we're going to be
          picking up any girls this week?

                         FRED
          Why wouldn't we?

                         RICK
          Because that's not us anymore.

                         FRED
          Wait a second. You want to quit?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          58.

                         RICK
          Fred, we're not the same guys we
          were fifteen years ago, back when
          we were single. We've changed.
          Fred stares at him, incredulous.

                         FRED
          No, man, you've changed. All you
          care about is yourself--what about
          all the guys out there who are
          counting on us to make this thing
          work?

                         RICK
          What are you talking about?

                         FRED
          Don't you get it?

                         (DRAMATIC BEAT)
          We're the chosen ones!
          Fred stands up and points at Rick.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          That's right--this thing is bigger
          than us! Our wives didn't give us
          this hall pass, the good Lord did!
          And what do we have to show for it?
          Nothing.

                         RICK
          Come off it, Fred. Obviously
          hooking up isn't something we
          really want--if it was, we could've
          done it by now.

                         FRED
          Could we have?
          Rick is taken aback by this.

                         RICK

                         (WANING CONFIDENCE)
          Well ...of course. I mean, if we'd
          really wanted to.

                         FRED
          Guess what? I did want to. And you
          know how close I got? We're three
          days in and the only woman I've
          spoken to was our waitress at
          Outback. And she never even made
          eye-contact.

                         RICK
          I don't really care if some
          waitress makes eye-contact. I want
          to go home--I miss my wife and
          kids.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          59.

                         FRED
          Let me explain something to you: If
          Grace and Maggie find out we can't
          get laid on our own, they'll start
          thinking we need them to get laid.
          Do you know what that'll do to the
          balance of power in our homes?
          It'll destroy it!
          Rick thinks about this and grows alarmed.

                         RICK
          Well, what if we just tell them
          that we did hook up?

                         FRED
          We can't. Grace'll know. She always
          knows when I'm lying.

                         RICK
          Hey, what about a massage parlor?

                         FRED
          No! That's giving up.
          Fred glares at him.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          You don't get it, do you? A hall
          pass ain't all about sex. It's
          about being man enough to pick up a
          woman even though you may not be
          what--in the traditional sense--is
          considered...
          (makes quotes with

                         FINGERS)
          .good-looking, or...
          (finger quotes again)
          .appealing.
          Rick seems stung by this news.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Look, if we can't show that
          something positive can come from
          having a hall pass, then the whole
          concept is dead. Not just for
          us...but for all mankind.
          Rick thinks about this for a moment, then stands up with a

          RENEWED SENSE OF PURPOSE.

                         RICK
          All right, let's get out of here. I
          know exactly where we should be.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BALL TEAM BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT

          The party's in full swing. A hundred or so PLAYERS, PLAYER'S
          GIRLFRIENDS, and FRIENDS are in and out of the pool, drinking
          beer and rocking out to Arcade Fire on the boombox.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          60.
          ANGLE ON Maggie and Rick Coleman sipping beers while in the
          b.g. we see Grace PLAYING VOLLEYBALL in the pool (still in
          the shorts and t-shirt she wore that afternoon.)

                         MAGGIE
          So how about you, Rick, do you have
          any children?

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Nah, but maybe some day. Your mom
          keeps talking about hooking me up
          with your cousin Kate.
          Maggie LAUGHS.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          That's not a good sign.

                         MAGGIE
          No, I hardly know her. She moved to
          Miami when I was eight.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          That's what your mom said. I coach
          at the University of Miami.

                         MAGGIE
          Then you should go out with her.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Nice try.

                         (BEAT)
          So how about yourself--how long you
          been married?

                         MAGGIE
          Uh...fourteen years. We were
          college sweethearts.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Nice. And where is he this week?

                         MAGGIE
          He's up in Boston.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Poor guy. All work and no play,
          huh?
          Maggie forces a smile.

                         MAGGIE
          Something like that.
          Suddenly Grace is PROPELLED OUT OF THE WATER and UP ONTO

          GERRY'S SHOULDERS.

                         GRACE
          Stop it! What are you doing?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          61.
          Gerry LAUGHS and BOUNCES AROUND THE POOL and Grace and Maggie
          and the coach can't help but LAUGH along with him, as we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. RAMADA INN - NIGHT

          Rick and Fred pull into the hotel's lot in the mini-van. As
          Rick gets out, Fred reaches behind his seat and comes out
          clutching a MOTORCYCLE HELMET. Rick stares at him.

                         FRED

                         (DEFENSIVE)
          Chicks dig motorcycles.

          INT. RAMADA INN OLDIE'S BAR - NIGHT

          It's 80's night and a Hall & Oates cover band is PLAYING
          complete with look-alikes, except Oates is black. Behind the
          band there's a banner that reads: 'Ramada Inn proudly
          welcomes the Mutual of Omaha Leadership Council!' We see
          middle-aged CORPORATE TYPES everywhere.

                         DARRYL HALL

                         (SINGING)
          ". .Oh-oh here she comes, watch out
          boy she'll chew you up. Oh-oh here
          she comes, she's a maneater..."
          ANGLE ON THE BAR where Rick and Fred are checking out the
          scene. Fred is WEARING THE HELMET. (It's a huge BLACK,
          OVERSIZED HELMET WITH A VISOR.) He pulls it off, SHAKES OUT
          HIS HAIR, and places it prominently ON THE BAR.

                         FRED
          Jackpot, baby.
          Rick NOTICES SOMETHING O.S..

                         RICK
          How about those two?
          ANGLE ON two pretty LATINO WOMEN sitting alone at a table.

                         FRED
          Ooh, yeah. Daddy likes.
          Fred pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket and hands
          it to Rick.

                         RICK
          What's this?

                         FRED
          I went on-line this afternoon and
          wrote down some good pick-up lines
          to break the ice.

                         RICK

                         (READING)
          'Hi. Will you help me find my
          puppy? I think he ran into the
          cheap hotel across the street.'

                         

                         

                         

                         

          62.

                         FRED
          That's a good one--except for one
          thing: We don't have a puppy, so
          when she gets there she'll realize
          we're full of shit.
          Rick shoots him a look.

                         RICK
          I don't think it's supposed to be
          for real. It's just to make her
          laugh so she'll talk to you.
          Fred considers this.

                         FRED
          Oh God no, it doesn't work on that
          level. Here, this is my favorite.
          He takes the paper from Rick.

                         FRED (CONT'D)

                         (READING)
          'You must be from Ireland because
          when I look at you my penis is
          Dublin.'

                         RICK
          It's a charmer but you know what?
          We don't need phony pick-up lines.
          Why don't we just be ourselves?

                         FRED
          Great. If you know how to.
          Rick takes a DEEP BREATH and braces himself.

                         RICK
          Give me the helmet.
          Fred hands him the helmet, then Rick marches up to the two
          Latino Women with the helmet under his arm and Fred close on
          his heels.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Hi.
          The women give him a pleasant look.

                         LATINO WOMAN #1
          Hello.
          Fred gives a little wave from behind Rick.

                         FRED
          Hola.
          LONG BEAT as Rick tries to figure what to say next. Then:

                         RICK
          Well.. .this is awkward. I feel like
          I'm back at my first junior high
          school mixer.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          63.
          Rick and Fred force a LAUGH and the girls smile. Another
          LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE BEAT. Rick clears his throat.

                         RICK CONT'D)
          So...are you ladies from Ireland?

                         LATINO WOMAN #2
          No.

          RICK.
          I'm very surprised to hear that
          news, because when I look at you my
          penis doubles in size.
          The women FLINCH at this, losing their smiles. Fred leans in.

                         FRED
          No, he means his dick is Dublin.
          Like the city. In Ireland.
          As the girls turn away from them, we begin a...
          MUSIC MONTAGE - Hall & Oates' I Can't Go For That plays as
          our GUYS GET SHOT DOWN by a DOZEN DIFFERENT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

                         END MONTAGE

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          Rick and Fred are at the bar looking TIRED and FRUSTRATED.

                         RICK
          I have this overwhelming urge to
          donkey-kick everyone in this bar.

                         FRED
          Okay, tiger, keep your chin up--no
          one said this was going to be easy.
          Even in college you had to take
          fifty rejections for every score,
          remember?

                         RICK
          Yeah, but it didn't sting so much
          when I was drunk.
          Fred perks up.

                         FRED
          That's it! We should be drinking!

                         RICK
          You're right. We're too stiff.

                         FRED
          Way too stiff. We gotta start
          pounding 'em, get those creative
          juices flowing, bring the soul to
          the surface.
          Rick smiles.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          64.

                         RICK
          That's when we're at our most
          charming!

          SMASH CUT TO:

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          A HAMMERED Fred is HOLDING A HAND OVER ONE EYE as he SHOUTS
          at a table full of GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMEN.

                         FRED
          You say no to me? You say no to
          me?! I SAY NO TO YOU!
          He's being restrained by an unusually patient BOUNCER. In
          the b.g. we see Rick PASSED OUT ON A STOOL in a VERY AWKWARD

          POSITION.

                         BOUNCER
          Come on, buddy, let's go...
          The women glare at Fred with disgust, maybe even a little
          amusement.

                         FRED
          No, screw them!
          (pointing at the women)
          You think your shit don't stink?!
          Well I got news for ya: I wouldn't
          titty-bang you in a snow storm!

                         20-SOMETHING WOMAN
          (mocking),
          Oh, please, sir, please titty-bang
          us in a snow storm!
          The women LAUGH.

                         FRED
          Nope, you blew it, not gonna
          happen.

                         BOUNCER
          (still restraining Fred)
          There you go, mister, you got 'em
          good. Now let's go.
          As the Bouncer drags him toward the exit, a STUNNING GIRL
          passes them WEARING TIGHT LEATHER PANTS with an AMERICAN FLAG
          PRINT ON THE BUTT. Fred turns to her.

                         FRED

                         (SLURRING)
          Hey, sweetie, you need a pole for
          that flag?
          Just then, the Girl's LARGE BOYFRIEND appears, and as his
          FIST MEETS FRED'S FACE, we

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          65.

                         DAY 4

          INT. RICK AND FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON

          A SNORING Rick is FAST ASLEEP, sprawled out on his back on
          the bed WEARING ONLY HIS BOXERS despite the clock next to him
          reading 3:37 in the afternoon. He's surrounded by several
          left-over ROOM SERVICE TRAYS.
          ANOTHER ANGLE reveals Fred CURLED UP NAKED ON THE BATHROOM
          FLOOR, also SNORING. HE USES A BATH MAT AS A PILLOW.

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         DAY 5

           ESTABLISHING SHOT OF COLDWELL BANKER REAL ESTATE OFFICE - DAY

          INT. COLDWELL BANKER OFFICE - SAME

          A worn-out-looking Rick is working at his desk when Fred
          approaches (with a BLACK EYE.)

                         FRED
          I know what we've been doing wrong.
          Rick lifts his chin.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          If we're gonna break out of this
          slump, we've got to start using our
          strength. And that is.. .people who
          know us, like us. So we should go
          after the women we've already won
          over.

                         RICK
          You mean like our wives?

                         FRED
          Yeah, like that, but not them.
          Fred sits in the chair across from Rick.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          I was thinking Coffee Girl.

                         RICK
          You've won over Coffee Girl?

                         FRED
          Well, I'm sure she'd recognize me.
          Rick thinks about this.

                         RICK
          Look, if you really want to go
          after someone you already know,
          have you considered Missy
          Frankenfield?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          66.
          Fred's listening.

                          RICK (CONT'D)
           She's got all the stats you like--
          she's beautiful, you k now her phone n ow-
           number, she's freshly divorced...

                         FRED
          Which according to Hog-head means
          she's horny.

                         RICK
          Bingo.
          As Fred smiles, we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. CAPE COD BEACH - DAY

          Maggie and Grace are laying outintheir bathing suits when
          they hear O.S. YELLING and lookupto see the baseball player
          Gerry WATERSKIING toward them.Helets go of the rope and
          skis UP ONTO THE SHORE.

                         GERRY
          What's up, beach bunnies?
          Grace and Maggie sit up and smile.

                         GRACE
          What are you doing here?
          He KICKS OFF THE SKI, then runs over and SHAKES HIS WET BODY

          ALL OVER THE GIRLS.

                         GRACE & MAGGIE
          Gerry, stop it!

                         GERRY
          Hey, where are the kiddies? We
          thought we'd take you all for a
          boat ride.

                         MAGGIE
          My parents took them to Martha's
          Vineyard for the weekend.
          Just then, we hear a LOUD HORN. They look up to see the boat
          pulling close to shore. Rick Coleman is behind the wheel and
          a couple PLAYERS are in the back. Maggie waves.

                         RICK COLEMAN

                         (THROUGH BULLHORN)
          All right, everybody aboard! We're
          going waterskiing!
          The two women look at each other--why not? As they get up
          and RUN INTO THE WATER, we

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          67.

          INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

          Rick stands in line at the coffee shop looking casual in
          slacks and a Harvard t-shirt. Music plays. He peers ahead
          and sees the Wannabe Artist-Type taking the order of a
          TEENAGE GIRL. At the other register, Coffee Girl is also
          taking orders. Rick is hoping to get Coffee Girl but Wannabe
          gets to him first.

                         WANNABE
          Can I take your order?
          Rick sees that there's no one behind him. He turns to the
          Wannabe.

                         RICK
          Uh...I don't know what I want.
          Wannabe stares at him, waiting. Rick hesitates a few
          moments, then levels with the guy.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Look, man, I want her to take my
          order.

                         WANNABE
          Why?

                         RICK
          Uh, she knows how I like it.

                         WANNABE

                         (ATTITUDE)
          Little help, Leigh--your unique
          barista skills have been requested.
          Rick waves weakly to Leigh and winks. As Leigh approaches,
          Wannabe mocks Rick by waving at him and winking.

                         LEIGH
          Hi. What would you like?
          Rick was hoping to have a conversation but Wannabe is
          crowding them.

                         RICK
          Iced coffee. With two Splendas.
          Leigh rings him up.

                         LEIGH
          That'll be two dollars.
          Rick hands her a fiver and nods toward the speakers.

                         RICK
          By the way, nice tunes. Do you
          choose 'em or do they come down
          from corporate?

                         LEIGH
          Me. It's Snow Patrol.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          68.
          She hands Rick his change and he dumps it in the tip jar.

                         RICK
          Nice soundtrack. Pretty solid
          movie, too.
          Wannabe BARKS out a LAUGH.

                         WANNABE
          Dude, you're thinking of Snow Do s--
          the Cuba Gooding kiddie flick. This
          is Snow Patrol, the band.
          Rick shrugs, a little embarrassed.

                         LEIGH
          Thanks for the tip.
          As Leigh grabs a cup and goes to make the coffee, Wannabe
          SAYS SOMETHING to her that WE CAN'T HEAR and they both LAUGH.
          A PHONE RINGS in the employee room. Leigh hands Wannabe the
          coffee, then runs back to answer it. Wannabe hands Rick the
          iced coffee and winks at him.

                         WANNABE
          Enjoy your two-Splenda'd iced
          coffee, mister.
          Rick starts to go, then turns around and stares at Wannabe.
          Wannabe, comforted by the counter between them, smiles back.

                         RICK
          Why are you smiling? You think this
          counter is some alligator-infested
          moat?
          Rick's stare becomes a glare and Wannabe loses his smile.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          This little 'I'm-on-the-inside, too-
          cool-for-school, let's-laugh-at-the-

                         DORKY-SUBURBAN-GUY-CAUSE-I'M-SAFE-

                         ON-THIS-SIDE-OF-THE-COUNTER'
          routine's gonna get you hurt. After
          you lose all of your family's money
          on your avante garde piece of crap
          short film, you're going to need a
          job. And it's guys like me that
          hire. And guys like me don't hire
          punks like you. So shape up.
          As Rick turns and walks out, we PAN over to see that Leigh

          HAS BEEN WATCHING THIS.

          EXT. COFFEE SHOP - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          Rick sits alone at a table on the sidewalk drinking his
          coffee. He NOTICES some postcards advertising a two-week
          free trial at the local gym and starts to read them.

          LEIGH (O.S.)
          I work-out there.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          69.
          Rick looks up, suddenly finding himself alone with Leigh.

                         RICK
          You do?
          Leigh nods and starts to straighten up the tables.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I work-out at home, but I was
          thinking of going public with my
          work-outs. What do you squat?
          She seems amused by this.

                         LEIGH
          I don't really squat, just run on
          the hamster-wheel everyday after
          work.
          She starts wiping down a table.

                         COFFEE GIRL
          So did you go to Harvard?
          She nods at Rick's t-shirt.

                         RICK
          Yeah.

                         (BEAT)
          I mean, you know...I went to a
          party there once.
          Coffee Girl GIGGLES and Rick perks up.

                         RICK (CONT'D)

                         (RE:SHIRT)
          Actually, this is Harvard Health
          Care. Sleep apnea... snoring too
          much.
          (holds up gym postcard)
          So is this a good place to join?

                         LEIGH
          Great place. Real chill. And they
          have a bar, so I always grab a beer
          after my workout.

                         RICK
          Bitchin'. Sounds like a nice
          routine. Maybe I'll routine it,
          too.

                         LEIGH
          If you join, tell 'em Leigh sent
          you--they'll give me two free
          months.

                         RICK
          I'll do that, Leigh.

                         LEIGH
          Rockin'.
          Leigh gives him the peace sign.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          70.

                         RICK
          R-O-C-K in the U-S-A.
          Leigh smiles and as she heads back inside, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

          Fred is sitting on his bed flipping through his address book
          until he comes to Missy Frankenfield. He hits the
          SPEAKERPHONE and DIALS. Several RINGS later:

          MISSY FRANKENFIELD (V.0.)
          Hi, this is Missy. Sorry I missed
          your call. I'm out of town for a
          few days, and I may have limited
          cell reception. Please leave a
          message and I'll get back to you as
          soon as I can. BEEP.
          Fred mouths the word 'shit', then picks up the receiver.

                         FRED
          Hey, Missy, this is Fred Searing.
          I . uh, I dust wanted to give you a
          ring and, um...well, give me a call
          when you get back. It's kind of an
          emergency. Well, not life-
          threatening, but--
          The machine CUTS HIM OFF. Fred HANGS UP, dejected. He sits
          there for a BEAT, then grabs his keys and GOES OUT THE DOOR.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. STRIP MALL - LATE AFTERNOON

          TIGHT ON FRED - he's wearing SHADES and has a BASEBALL CAP
          pulled down over his eyes.
          PULL BACK TO REVEAL that he's outside a MASSAGE PARLOR. As
          he approaches the massage parlor entrance, a bunch of LADIES
          walk out of the TRAVEL AGENCY just to the right so Fred veers
          into the DRY CLEANERS to the left.

          INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS

          Fred ENTERS and immediately bumps into Kimmy Long (Ed's wife)
          standing in line behind several other WOMEN. She is
          accompanied by her 7-year-old daughter and neither of them
          look happy to see him.

                         FRED
          Oh, hi.
          Kimmy nods blankly. The Daughter glares at him. Fred
          nervously steps up next to them in line, passing time as he
          waits for the sidewalk to clear.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Um, I don't think I got a chance to
          tell you how impressed I was with
          your new place. Absolutely elegant.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          71.
          Kimmy GRUNTS a thank you and turns away from him.
          ANGLE ON the KOREAN LADY who owns the dry cleaners. She
          stands behind the desk with an accordion wall behind her.

          DRY CLEAN KOREAN LADY
          Mr. Searing, you pick up last week--
          no more clothes here!
          Fred smiles uncomfortably at Kimmy.

                         FRED
          That's right...
          (looks at watch)
          Well, gotta get going--I have a
          meeting across town in ten minutes.
          See ya.
          Fred EXITS.

          EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

          Fred comes out of the dry cleaners, makes sure the coast is
          clear, then DUCKS INTO THE MASSAGE PARLOR.

          INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - CONTINUOUS

          A YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN is behind the counter.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          You want massage?
          Fred looks around. There's an OLD KOREAN LADY sitting on a
          couch. He looks at the Young Korean Woman and nods.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN (CONT'D)
          You fill out.
          The Young Korean Woman hands Fred a form. Fred puts it down
          and covertly moves in.

                         FRED
          I'd prefer no paper trail.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          Need for insurance company.

                         FRED
          I don't think my insurance
          company's gonna cover this one.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          Ten dollar co-pay?

                         FRED
          Uh, no.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          Fill out form. It policy.
          Fred moves in closer.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          72.

                         FRED
          Look, I don't really want this in
          print.
          The Young Korean Woman hands him back the form.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          How I know what you want if you no
          fill out form?

                         FRED
          Um, couldn't I just tell you?
          She stares at him for a LONG BEAT.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          So, what you waiting for?!
          Fred glances back at the Old Korean Lady, then WHISPERS in
          the Young Korean Woman's ear. She nods and looks at him.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN (CONT'D)
          Okay.. .but must see I.D. first.
          Fred SIGHS and pulls out a hundred-dollar bill.

                         FRED
          How about a C-note so I don't have
          to fill out any forms or show any
          I.D.'s?
          The Young Korean Woman thinks about this for a moment, then
          SLIDES OPEN THE ACCORDION WALL behind her, REVEALING...
          THE DRY CLEANERS NEXT DOOR - the Dry Cleaning Korean Lady
          looks back at him, along with Kimmy Long, her daughter, and

          ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN LINE.

          YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
          Gentleman want a rub-and-tug with
          tea-bag happy ending but don't fill
          out form!
          Kimmy Long glares at him, appalled. As Fred backpedals OUT
          OF THE MASSAGE PARLOR, he waves at her weakly, and we...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. PARTY BOAT - DAY

          One hundred GUESTS dance on the top deck of this large ship
          as the Bee Gee's Night Fever BLASTS from the speakers.

                         SONG
          .Night fever, night fever.. .we
          know how to do it...'
          As the song heats up, the crowd parts, REVEALING... Rick
          Coleman and Gerry decked-out in WHITE, TONY-MANARO-SUITS.
          They're DANCING UP A STORM with Maggie and Grace who are
          thrilled to be in such capable hands. Grace is getting
          tossed around a bit, but it's clear that Maggie can hold her
          own on a dance floor.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          73.
          The crowd soon FORMS A CIRCLE around the two couples, and as
          Rick and Gerry SWING AND LIFT our delighted and breathless
          wives, we

                         CUT TO:

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          Maggie and Rick Coleman are standing at the rail of the boat
          taking a breather.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Wow. You can really move out there.
          Maggie shrugs modestly.

                         MAGGIE
          Thanks. I was a dance major in
          college.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Really? I always wondered--what do
          you do with a degree in dance?

                         MAGGIE
          Well, as it turned out, nothing.

                         (BLUSHING)
          I guess the original plan was to go
          to New York and try to hook-up with
          one of the big dance companies, but
          then I got married and. . .your
          priorities change.
          She looks away, maybe a little embarrassed.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Anyway, that was fun. I haven't
          danced this much in a long time.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Why not?

                         MAGGIE
          I don't know, you get busy, kids,
          school, there's so much going on.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Well you gotta make time for the
          stuff you love or you'll forget who
          you are.
          Maggie appreciates the sentiment. She makes strong eye-
          contact with Rick for a moment, but catches herself and looks
          away.

                         MAGGIE
          You know, my husband's name is
          Rick.
          Rick smiles at this.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          74.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Well that makes me the perfect guy
          to have an affair with--you'd never
          have to worry about screaming out
          the wrong name during sex.
          Maggie smiles at this, but she seems a nick uncomfortable.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          I'm kidding.

                         MAGGIE
          I know.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Now come on, let's go find Grace
          and get something to eat. I'm
          starving.
          As they head back to the party, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK'S TOYOTA AVALON - LATE AFTERNOON

          Rick is parked across the street from FITNESS FIRM HEALTH
          CLUB. He's reading the newspaper and glancing at the
          entrance for Leigh. Suddenly there's a LOUD TAP on the
          window and Rick looks over to see Flats (who we met at Rick's
          poker night) standing outside with a shit-eating grin. Rick
          rolls down the window.

                         FLATS
          Hey, Rick.

                         RICK

                         (STARTLED)
          Oh...hey, Flats. How you doing,
          man?

                         FLATS
          Great. What's up with you? How's
          that hall pass thing going?
          Rick makes a Scooby Doo sound, alarmed.

                         RICK
          Who told you about that--was it Hog-
          head?

                         FLATS
          No. Some old lady was yakking about
          it down at the post office.
          Rick REACTS to this.

                         FLATS (CONT'D)

                         (BIG SMILE)
          So what's the deal--you getting
          laid?

                         RICK

                         (DEFENSIVE)
          What? No.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          75.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I don't know where you're getting
          your information, Flats, but a hall
          pass isn't just about getting laid,
          it's about getting a week off from
          marriage to do as you please--
          whether that be fishing, or
          watching TV, whatever it is that
          relaxes you.

                         FLATS

                         (DUBIOUS)
          Oh, I didn't know that.
          Just then Rick NOTICES Leigh (dressed in work-out clothes)
          walking down the sidewalk toward the gym.

                         RICK
          Uh, Flatsy, I gotta run. I'm late
          for my work-out appointment.
          When Rick hops out of his car, we see that he's wearing gym
          shorts and an old Springsteen t-shirt. He hesitates, then
          grabs a SWEATSHIRT out of the car and TIES IT AROUND HIS
          WAIST. Rick hurries down the sidewalk toward Leigh.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Hey, girl!

                         LEIGH

                         (SMILING)
          All right! You decided to go for
          it.
          As Rick follows Leigh into the gym, a smiling Flats CALLS

                         OUT:

                         FLATS
          Hey, Rick! Good luck with the
          fishing!
          As Flats begins to LAUGH, a sheepish Rick scurries into the
          building.

          INT. FITNESS FIRM HEALTH CLUB - MOMENTS LATER

          Rick and Leigh stand at the front desk. A young, buff dude,
          CLYDE, looks up from folding towels.

                         LEIGH
          Clyde, this is my friend, uh...

                         RICK
          Rick.

                         LEIGH
          He's looking to join.

                         CLYDE
          Great. I'll get you signed up.
          Leigh pats Rick's hand.

                         LEIGH
          See ya.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          76.
          She turns to leave.

                         RICK
          So, uh, are you gonna grab a
          brewski after your work-out?

                         LEIGH
          Nah.
          Rick looks disappointed.

                         LEIGH (CONT'D)
          I'm gonna grab two.
          Leigh flashes him a smile and as she walks away, she gives
          him the peace sign. He returns it.

                         RICK
          Peace it!
          As soon as he hears himself, Rick cringes.

                         CUT TO:
          CLOSE ON RICK'S FACE - he's wearing the headphones and has
          worked up a PRETTY GOOD SWEAT.
          PULL BACK to reveal that he's SITTING ON THE TOILET.

          INT. HEALTH CLUB - MEN'S LOCKER ROOM - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

          We hear a FLUSH. Rick shuffles out of a stall and moves to a
          sink. While he washes his hands, a young, NAKED, METROSEXUAL-
          TYPE whips his leg into the sink beside him. Rick slowly
          turns to look.
          RICK'S POV - as the Metrosexual talks to ANOTHER NAKED MAN,
          he fills his hand with SHAVING CREAM and the hand DISAPPEARS
          BETWEEN HIS OWN LEGS. The guys continue their conversation,
          unfazed. Then the Metrosexual starts to SHAVE HIS BALLS.
          As Rick dries his hands, he can't contain himself.

                         RICK
          What's that about--you swimming the
          English Channel?
          The Metrosexual shoots Rick an annoyed look.

                         METROSEXUAL
          Nah, Just not into looking like the
          knuckle-dragging guy on the
          evolution-of-man chart.
          Off Rick looking self-consciously down at his fur-covered
          body, we go...

          INT. HOT TUB ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          Rick ENTERS the empty hot tub room, takes off his towel, and
          eases into the STEAMING WATER. He hits a button and the jets
          kick on FULL BLAST, turning the hot tub into a BUBBLY

          CAULDRON.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          77.

                         RICK
          Oh...yes.
          He bunches up his towel and puts it behind his head, then
          settles in and CLOSES HIS EYES.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          SAME SCENE - LATER
          Rick is in a DEEP SLEEP. His mouth is wide open but his head
          is BARELY ABOVE WATER as he SNORES LOUDLY. He dips beneath
          the surface and as he begins to CHOKE and COUGH, he wakes up.
          Rick takes a moment to get his bearings, then STRUGGLES to
          get out of the hot tub. But his MUSCLES HAVE TURNED TO JELLY.

                         RICK

                         (WEAKLY)
          Little help...
          When none comes, a life-and-death STRUGGLE ensues as the
          flabby, middle-aged dad tries to climb to safety.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Help ...me...
          Just as Rick starts to go under, the two young naked
          metrosexuals hear his MOANS and come to his rescue. They
          jump in the hot tub and heave him ashore. As Rick GASPS for
          air, one of the metrosexuals kneels down and lifts Rick's
          head onto his NAKED LAP.

                         NAKED METROSEXUAL #1
          Are you having chest pains, sir?

                         RICK

                         (WINDED)
          No, no, I think I was...in the hot
          tub too long. I can't feel my body.

                         NAKED METROSEXUAL #2
          How long were you in there?

                         RICK
          What time is it?

                         NAKED METROSEXUAL #2
          Seven-thirty.

                         RICK
          About three hours.
          That's when Rick realizes that his head is RESTING ON THE
          GUY'S COCK. He tries to roll off him, but Metrosexual #1

          HOLDS HIM TIGHT.

                         NAKED METROSEXUAL #1
          Try not to move, sir.

                         RICK
          I'm okay, just help me up.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          78.

                         NAKED METROSEXUAL #1

                         (TO METROSEXUAL #2)
          All right, give him a hand.
          Metrosexual #2 straddles Rick's chest and leans down to pull
          him up. As Rick starts to rise, HIS FACE COMES PERILOUSLY
          CLOSE TO THE SECOND MAN'S O.S. DANGLING COCK and Rick has to

          TURN HIS HEAD TO AVOID CONTACT.
          They finally get Rick to his feet. As the naked men help him
          across the room, we
          ANGLE ON - two TANNED, HAIRLESS METROSEXUAL ASSES flanking
          Rick's HIRSUTE BUTT.

                         RICK
          Okay, thanks, guys. I can take it
          from here.
          The metrosexuals release Rick and he gets about two steps
          before his LEGS GIVE OUT and he TUMBLES DOWN A SMALL FLIGHT

          OF STEPS.

          SMASH CUT TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         DAY 6

          INT. RICK AND FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

          A depressed Rick and Fred sit in bed numbing their pain by
          WATCHING THE BOURNE SUPREMACY and eating a couple PINTS OF

          BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM.

                         FRED
          We let down the male species.

                         (SIGHS)
          I really thought our hall passes
          might change the philosophy of
          marriage in America.
          Fred eats a big scoop of ice cream.

                         FRED (CONT'D)

                         (WITH MOUTH-FULL)
          I envisioned a national holiday,
          right between July 4th and Labor
          Day, like the first Friday in
          August, Hall Pass Day; a day for
          husbands to get some strange, a day
          that would forever be known as the
          holiday,that saved the institution
          of marriage.

                         RICK
          All right, don't give up.

                         FRED
          I'm not giving up, I'm facing facts-
          -this is our last day and we got
          nothing cooking. Maybe you were
          right. Maybe we should just tell
          the girls to come home.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          79.

                         RICK
          No. I want the hall pass.
          Fred looks at Rick, surprised.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          At first I wasn't sure, but now I
          want the dream.

                         FRED
          I'm not even sure I know what the
          dream is anymore.

                         RICK
          I just...I just want to know what
          it's like to be with another woman.

                         FRED
          Well, just pull up one of the
          golden oldies in your spank bank--
          it's almost like being there.

                         RICK
          I don't have anything in that spank
          bank.

                         FRED
          I'm talking about all the girls
          before you met Maggie.
          Rick doesn't say anything.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          What?

                         (BEAT)
          No, you're not serious?
          Rick lowers his head.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Wait a second, are you saying...?

                         (BEAT)
          But how can that be--you didn't
          meet Maggie until college?

                         RICK

                         (DEFENSIVE)
          Yeah, so? What do you think,
          everyone gets laid in high school?
          I got news for you, mister--getting
          laid in high school is not a right,
          it's a privilege.
          Fred puts down his ice cream. Rick SIGHS.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          First class, first day, freshman
          year, I saw Maggie--she was sitting
          three seats away in Western Civ--
          and I fell in love instantly. I
          begged her for three months to go
          out with me, she finally caved, and
          that night I told her I loved her.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          80.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          Eighty-four days later she told me
          she loved me back and we've been
          together ever since.
          Fred stares at him.

                         FRED
          Wow. That's a really creepy story.
          Just then Fred's cell phone RINGS and he ANSWERS it.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Hello.

                         (BEAT)
          Yeah.

                         (BEAT)
          Oh, okay, great.
          Fred hangs up but doesn't say anything.

                         RICK
          Who was that?

                         FRED
          Just an angel from heaven.
          Suddenly Fred jumps to his feet.

                          FRED (CONT'D)
           Coakley's back in town!
           As Rick's face fills with renewed hope, we...

                          CUT TO:

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - AFTERNOON

           Maggie and Grace are sitting at the kitchen table gazing at a
          BOUQUET OF FLOWERS and an open GIFT BOX displaying an

          ENGRAVED I.D. BRACELET.

                         MAGGIE
          Does this mean you're going steady?

                         GRACE

                         (GUILTY)
          That's not funny. I feel terrible--
          the poor kid's spending all his
          hard-earned money on me--that's
          sad. Cute, but sad.

                         MAGGIE
          Grace, you should be flattered.
          You're thirty-eight-years-old and
          college kids are still swooning
          over you.

                         GRACE
          Well I just feel bad if I gave him
          the wrong impression.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          81.

                         MAGGIE
          The wrong impression? What makes
          you think that--I mean, besides the
          flowers, I.D. bracelet, and love
          letter?
          Maggie picks up a card.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)

                         (READING)
          'Dearest Grace--Our final game is
          tonight. Please meet me at the
          coach's place afterwards to
          celebrate. Yours truly, Gerry.'

                         GRACE
          Thanks for piling on.
          Grace stands up and SIGHS.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Well...I can't accept this. I guess
          I'm just gonna have to go set him
          straight.

                         CUT TO:

          ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A PIZZERIA UNO - NIGHT

          INT. PIZZERIA UNO - SAME

          Rick and Fred are sitting at a table sharing a pizza while
          Fred texts someone.

                         RICK
          What are you doing?

                         FRED
          Just texting Missy Frankenfield
          that we're going to be at Enter the
          Dragon--I'm covering all my bases.

                         RICK
          You don't need Missy Frankenfield
          tonight. If we can't get the job
          done with Coakley as our wingman,
          then we're pathetic.
          Just then, Fred NOTICES something O.S.

                         FRED
          All right, here come da man!
          CLOSE ON RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - a suave, DEBONAIR MAN (played
          by George Clooney) comes through the doors and stops to check
          out the room.
          Rick and Fred jump up and approach him WITH OPEN ARMS but at
          the last second Clooney steps aside REVEALING a THIN, BALDING
          MAN dressed HEAD-TO-TOE IN MOTORCYCLE LEATHERS (think Larry
          David.)

                         FRED & RICK
          Coakley!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          82.

                         COAKLEY
          My two favorite nutsuckers--how the
          hell are ya?!
          The three men hug, then Coakley nods toward Clooney.

                         COAKLEY CONT'D)
          See who just walke ( in here in
          front of me?

                         RICK
          No, who?

                         COAKLEY
          George Clooney.

                         FRED
          What's he doing here?

                         COAKLEY
          I don't know--must be shooting a
          movie or something.

                         FRED
          Huh. Look, man, we've got a
          situation on our hands.

                         COAKLEY
          Yeah, yeah, Baker filled me in.
          S'been rough sledding, huh?
          Coakley puts his arms around the two guys.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Well, don't worry, my little
          snickerdicks...Coakley's here.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

          A mass of BEAUTIFUL GIRLS and SLICK GUYS vie for position
          outside this CROWDED CLUB.
          REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS Rick, Fred and Coakley watching from
          across the street.

                         COAKLEY
          I'm gonna need three-hundred bucks.

                         FRED
          For what?
          Coakley shoots him a look.

                         COAKLEY
          If you're really serious about
          this, stop questioning me.
          The guys look at each other, then reluctantly COUGH UP THE
          DOUGH. With money in hand, Coakley marches confidently
          across the street followed by Fred and Rick. When the SLICK
          BOUNCER sees them approaching, he PARTS THE CROWD.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          83.

                         SLICK BOUNCER
          Good evening, Mr. Coakley.

                         COAKLEY
          What up, my guy?
          Coakley PASSES ON THE MONEY with a handshake and the Bouncer
          UNHOOKS THE VELVET ROPE. Then Coakley smiles back at Fred
          and Rick.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Push the defrost button on the
          microwave, boys. The deep freeze is
          over.

          INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

          Coakley leads them into the club. Rick and Fred can't
          believe all the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE around them.

                         COAKLEY
          Okay, guys, you tried it your way
          and you railed miserably. You
          struck out, you were oh-for-
          everything. So now we do it my way,
          which is...
          The guys look at Coakley like Richard Gere looks at the Dalai
          Lama.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          . Go ugly early.
          Rick and Fred are visibly deflated.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Guys, you're not trying to get
          married here--you're trying to get
          laid.

                         RICK
          Aren't you the guy who goes to the
          Hawaiian Tropic finals every year?
          Is that for the ugly girls?

                         COAKLEY
          I go to the Tropic finals because
          Miss North Dakota's gonna lose and
          she's gonna need a hug. And quite
          often you can parlay a hug into a
          hand-job. Rick, you're up--get us
          two bottles of Moet and six
          glasses.
          Rick shoots Fred a look, then weaves his way through a scrum
          of PEOPLE up to the bar. He tries to flag down a bartender
          but can't get anyone's attention.

          PAIGE (O.S.)
          Hi, Mr. Mills.
          Rick turns to see that he's crammed in beside his babysitter
          Paige who's looking a LITTLE TIPSY.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          84.

                         RICK
          Oh, hey, Paige. What are you doing
          here?
          She pulls out her license and holds it up.

                         PAIGE
          I turned twenty-one yesterday.

                         (DRUNKEN SMILE)
          I'm legal now.

                         RICK
          Oh. Well, happy birthday. You out
          celebrating?

                         PAIGE
          Yeah, I'm here with my Aunt Meg.
          Paige points across the club to AUNT MEG, a striking redhead,
          early 40's, who's talking to a couple of YOUNG MEN.

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          She's the best. Forty-two years old
          but she still parties like she's my
          age.

                         RICK
          Nice.
          Rick continues to try to get the bartender's attention.

                         PAIGE
          So, Rick, how's the hall pass
          going?
          Paige smirks at Rick who shrinks a little.

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          You don't mind if I call you Rick,
          do you? I am officially an adult
          now.

                         RICK
          No, of course not--what did you
          just say?

                         PAIGE
          I was asking about your hall pass.
          (off Rick's look)
          I baby-sit for the Putneys and I
          heard Gary talking about it the
          other night at their barbecue.
          Rick REACTS to this.

                         RICK
          He was talking about it at a
          barbecue?!

                         PAIGE
          Oh, he wasn't saying it in a bad
          way.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         85

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          In fact, I thought it was very
          classy of you to be staying at the
          Holiday Inn Express instead of
          bringing girls back to your home
          with all the kids' pictures and
          schoolwork taped up everywhere.
          Rick forces a smile.

                         RICK
          Thank you.
          A male BARTENDER, 25, finally appears in front of Rick.

                          RICK (CONT'D)
          Yeah, um, two bottles of Moet and
          six glasses please.
          Paige eyes Rick as she sips her drink.

                         PAIGE
          So does it work both ways?

                         RICK
          What?

                         PAIGE
          The hall pass. Does your wife get
          one, too.

                         RICK

                         (AMUSED)
          Uh, no, no. A hall pass is for men
          only.

                         PAIGE
          Oh. Who made that rule?

                         RICK
          Well ...um...
          As Rick thinks about this, Paige moves in tighter.

                         PAIGE
          By the way, I kind of owe you an
          apology.
          (lowers her voice,

                         BASH
          Last week ful) when you drove me home, I
           shouldn't have snapped at you like
          that.

                         RICK
          Oh, don't worry about it. It was a
          big misunderstanding.

                         PAIGE
          No, it wasn't.
          She takes a moment, looks around.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          86.

                         PAIGE (CONT'D)
          If you thought I was coming on to
          you that night, it's because...I
          was.
          Rick flinches at this. Just then the Bartender returns with
          the champagne. Rick fumbles through his pocket and finally
          pays. Then he's left alone with Paige and her coed-in-love-
          with-the-professor eyes and her suddenly heaving cleavage.

                         RICK
          Yeah. Um...I have to go, Paige, but
          it was great seeing you.
          Paige grabs Rick's arm as he tries to go. She looks suddenly
          annoyed.

                         PAIGE
          Are you serious? You're doing this
          again... even with a hall pass?

                         RICK
          Paige, you're my kids' babysitter.
          Have a happy birthday.
          As Rick walks away, we go
          BACK ON COAKLEY AND FRED as Rick arrives with the champagne.

                         COAKLEY
          Here we go, bubbles doth floweth.

                         FRED
          Holy crap... look who's here.
          The guys turn to see the coffee girl, Leigh, walking past
          with two of her GIRLFRIENDS. She sees them and LIGHTS UP.

                         LEIGH
          Hey, Rick! What happened yesterday--
          I thought we were gonna grab a
          beer?
          Fred looks at Rick, confused.

                         RICK

                         (SHEEPISH)
          Yeah, I got a little caught up in
          my curls and reps and shit.

                         (CHANGING SUBJECT)
          So is this your playground?

                         LEIGH
          Nah, I've never been here, but a
          friend of mine's DJ-ing tonight so
          I promised him I'd come.
          Just then Wannabe from the coffee shop swoo s in and gives
          Leigh a kiss on the cheek. He has a pair of headphones
          hanging around his neck.

                         WANNABE
          Wassup, girl?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          87.
          Wannabe NOTICES Rick and loses his smile.

                         WANNABE (CONT'D)
          Oh. Hey. What are you doing here--
          you auditing the place?

                         RICK
          Actually, I work for Sirius XM
          Radio--we're looking to hire some
          new deejays so I'm checking out all
          the clubs.
          Wannabe stiffens, suddenly respectful.

                         WANNABE
          Oh. Cool. Are you serious?

                         RICK
          Not!
          Leigh is amused by this, but she tries to hide it from the
          deflated Wannabe.

                         WANNABE

                         (ANNOYED)
          Oh, that's hip. Real fresh.
          (turns to Leigh)
          Why don't you hit the dance floor--
          the next song's gonna be for you.
          As Leigh's Girlfriends pull her onto the dance floor, Wannabe
          returns to his deejay booth.

                         FRED

                         (GLARING)
          Beer? When were you two going to
          have a beer?

                         RICK

                         (GUILTY)
          No, no, no, Leigh and I just belong
          to the same gym and happened to be
          there at the same time yesterday
          afternoon.

                         FRED
          What gym do you belong to and where
          the hell was I?

                         COAKLEY
          Well, according to Kimmy Long, you
          were at the massage parlor trying
          to get a rub-and-tug without
          filling out the paperwork.
          This takes the wind out of Fred's sails.

                         RICK
          What?
          Coakley CHUCKLES and Rick glares at Fred.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          88.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I thought the massage parlor was
          admitting defeat?

                         FRED
          I had a knot in my neck--why the
          hell didn't you tell me you saw
          Coffee Girl?!

                         COAKLEY
          Okay, guys, cut the crap. We're all
          here for the same thing. And I'll
          give you a hint what that thing is:
          It begins with a 'P' and ends with
          an 'ussy.'
          Coakley puts his arm around Fred.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Now relax, Fredd , everyone's gonna
          get taken care ot.
          (looks out at crowd)
          We Just gotta find you a gazelle
          with a bad wheel.

                         FRED
          Huh?
          Coakley spots something.

                         COAKLEY
          Ooh--there's a couple of
          trainwrecks. Let's go.

                         FRED

                         (ALARMED)
          Whoa--wait a second.
          But Coakley steers Fred over to two CHUBBY, NOT-SO-ATTRACTIVE
          BLONDES laying on a 'bed' in the corner.

                         COAKLEY
          Ladies, this is my friend Fred
          Pinkberry--his yogurt company just
          went public and he's out
          celebrating. He'd like to offer you
          a flute of champagne.
          The Chubby Blondes PERK UP.

                         CHUBBY BLONDE #1
          I love Pinkberry!
          As the girls make room for a reluctant Fred, we go...
          BACK ACROSS THE ROOM where we see Rick watching Leigh and her
          hot girlfriends DANCE. Leigh catches Rick staring. He
          smiles and clumsily shoots her the PEACE SIGN. Finally, he
          takes a deep breath and DANCES HIS WAY UP NEXT TO HER.

                         RICK
          So.. .having a good time?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          89.

                         LEIGH
          Chillin'.

                         RICK
          Me too. Just chillin' and wigglin'.
          LONG BEAT as they dance. Then:

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I haven't been ancing in a long
          time.

                         LEIGH

                         (TEASING)
          I can tell.

                         RICK
          Oh yeah? Just try to keep up.
          She smiles at this, then Coakley DANCES UP BESIDE RICK and

          PULLS HIM ASIDE.

                         COAKLEY
          Abort! Abort! You stand not a
          chance.

                         RICK
          No, no, I think we're starting to
          gel.
          Coakley rolls his eyes.

                         COAKLEY
          No, no, you're mistaken. Look,
          dude, this ain't Operation Cock-
          block here--now trust me, retreat.
          Rick glances back at Leigh, torn. She looks fantastic.

                         RICK
          Coak, I'm never gonna have another
          hall pass, so this memory has to
          last a lifetime. . .you know what I
          mean?
          Coakley looks at Leigh and SIGHS.

                         COAKLEY
          All right, I'll be at the bar when
          this thing blows up in your face.
          As Rick dances back over to Leigh, we...
          PAN ACROSS THE ROOM to the PISSED-OFF Wannabe watching them
          from the deejay booth.

                         WANNABE

                         (INTO MIC)
          All right, 'all, adult-swim's
          over. Now if you was born before
          1980 you're gonna want to step off
          the floor 'cause we're about to
          kick it up.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          90.
          ON RICK - he looks over at Wannabe but CONTINUES TO DANCE.

                         RICK
          Is this guy your boyfriend or
          something?

                         LEIGH
          No, no, no.
          She waves it off, then shrugs guiltily.

                         LEIGH (CONT'D)
          One time we messed around a little.

                         RICK
          And what does 'messed around a
          little' mean these days?

                         LEIGH
          Anal.
          Rick tries hard to act nonchalant.

                         LEIGH (CONT'D)
          I'm kidding. He kissed me one night
          and I kissed back--I shouldn't
          have.

          WANNABE (O.S.)
          Seriously, you grandpappies better
          get off the floor before someone
          falls and breaks a hip!
          Rick points at Wannabe.

                         RICK

                         (CALLING BACK)
          Just play your funky music, white
          boy!
           As the music shifts gears and becomes FASTER and LOUDER, we

                          CUT TO:

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT

           Maggie's at the sink cleaning up when she NOTICES that the
           ANSWERING MACHINE LIGHT IS BLINKING. She dries her hands,
          then pushes the button.

           HISPANIC WOMAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
           (on answering machine)
          Hola, Maggie, this is Isabel. I
          went to clean the house today but
          nobody has been there or slept in
          any of the beds this week, so I
          just cleaned the windows and left
          early. I hope you don't mind.
          CLOSE ON a concerned-looking Maggie. She moves to the
          window, stares at the lights on the ocean.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          91.

          RICK COLEMAN (O.S.)
          Hey.
          Maggie turns to see Rick Coleman standing out on her front
          porch.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh. Hey.
          She goes to the screen door.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Thought you might want to help me
          celebrate the end of the season.
          He holds up a grocery bag.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          I got some good late-night eats.
          Maggie hesitates a moment. Then she opens the door and lets
          him in.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

          A bored-looking Fred is smooshed between the Chubby Blondes
          on the bed.

                         CHUBBY BLONDE #1
          It was the greys--you know, the
          tall, skinny aliens--and they were
          all over my yard, but--and here's
          the weird thing--I wasn't at all
          afraid of them so when they asked
          me if I wanted to get in their
          spaceship, I said, 'Sure,' and I
          walked right on.

                         CHUBBY BLONDE #2
          Oh my God, you're so brave! I would
          never, ever in a million years
          climb into one of those things.
          Fred, would you ever just walk into
          a UFO on your own?

                         FRED

                         (DEADPAN)
          If they came right now I would,
          sure.

          MISSY FRANKENFIELD (O.S.)
          There you are!
          Fred looks up to see Missy Frankenfield approaching.

                         FRED
          Oh my god! You're here!
          Fred jumps off the bed and gives Missy a hug.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         92

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Franken-berry, how the heck are
          ya?!
          She returns the embrace, but not quite as tight.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          You look incredible!

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD

                         (CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE)
          Thanks, Fred, you look good, too.

                         FRED
          Never felt better.
          Missy nods.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          I have to say, I can't believe I'm
          actually here--I was on my way home
          from dinner when I noticed your
          text. So what's this big emergency?

                         FRED
          Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. By 'emergency' I
          just meant that there's some
          important stuff I want to talk to
          you about. You know, one on one, me
          and you--without all the husbands
          and wives and hoopla. So how are
          you?

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          I'm... good.

                         FRED
          No, I mean how-are-you. Inside.
          What's happenin' in there? There
          must be all sorts of emotions
          churning up with the divorce and
          everything.
          She gives him a long look.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Maybe we should go somewhere else--
          this doesn't seem like the best
          place to spill one's guts.
          Just then, Coakley swoops in and pulls Fred aside.

                         COAKLEY

                         (UNDER BREATH)
          What part of 'go ugly early' didn't
          you understand? You've got a better
          chance of winning husband-of-the-
          year than tagging that chiquita.
          Fred flinches at this.

                         FRED
          But...I know her. She said she
          wants to leave with me.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          93.

                         COAKLEY
          Then she's insane--run for the
          hills.

                         FRED
          Coak, the woman's going through a
          divorce. She's not insane, she's
          just making really poor decisions
          right now.
          (hands him his car keys)
          Here, give Rick the keys to my mini-
          van. I'm gonna go back to the hotel
          with Missy.
          Coakley looks back at Missy and softens.

                         COAKLEY
          It's your funeral, princess.
          BACK ON RICK AND LEIGH dancing up a storm. Rick is OUT OF
          BREATH and SWEATING LIKE A PIG. His shirt is soaked and his
          hair is dripping wet.

                         LEIGH
          Are you okay--you keep checking
          your pulse?

                         RICK
          Nah, I'm fine. I had a little chest
          cramp during the last song, but I
          worked through it.
          She smiles at this.

                         LEIGH
          Come on, let's sit this one out. I
          need a breather.
          They move to the bar and Rick starts DRYING HIMSELF with a
          stack of cocktail napkins.

                         LEIGH (CONT'D)
          So what's up with the ring?
          He looks at his finger, then back at her.

                         RICK
          Um...have you ever heard of a hall
          pass?

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BALL TEAM BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT

          Grace pulls up in her Camry and gets out. She hears MUSIC
          coming from inside and hesitates a BEAT before walking
          nervously onto the porch and KNOCKING. A moment later Gerry
          appears in the doorway.

                         GERRY
          There she is! Come on in, I'm
          mixing up some margaronis. We lost
          our final game, but I got four
          hits!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          94.

                         GRACE
          Oh. Great. Uh, where is everyone?

                         GERRY
          They all went out to party--now get
          in here!
          But Grace stays on the porch.

                         GRACE
          Gerry, I'm sorry but I can't stay.

                         GERRY
          What?
          Grace hasn't been in this situation in a long time and it
          shows. Gerry steps out onto the porch looking concerned.

                         GERRY (CONT'D)
          Is everything okay?

                         GRACE
          Yeah, yeah, everything's fine,
          but...
          (holds up gift box)
          .I can't accept this.

                         GERRY
          Why not?
          Grace does a double-take.

                         GRACE
          Gerry, I'm a married woman.
          Gerry nods at this, maybe a little hurt. She hands him the
          box and he reluctantly accepts it.

                         GERRY
          Um... I'm sorry if I made you
          uncomfortable, Grace. It's just
          that...I really like you.

                         GRACE
          I like you, too, Gerry, and you
          didn't make me uncomfortable.
          She smiles at him and he forces a smile back, and there's
          some serious eye-contact, and then BAM!
          They DIVE AT EACH OTHER and start SUCKING FACE LIKE THERE'S
          NO TOMORROW. As they continue to MAUL EACH OTHER, they
          STUMBLE INTO THE HOUSE, and we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

          Rick and Leigh are leaning against the bar.

                         LEIGH
          So...you're married?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         95

                         RICK
          I wasn't deliberately hiding it.
          He holds up his ring hand.

                         LEIGH
          Yeah, I just thought your wife had
          died or something and you were
          wearing it out of respect.

                         RICK

                         (UNCOMFORTABLE)
          Uh, nope. She's still hangin' in
          there.
          Just then, Coakley PULLS RICK ASIDE.

                         COAKLEY
          Come on, you're not gonna close the
          sale here--let's move this clambake
          back to my place.

                         RICK
          Okay, but what am I gonna do there?

                         COAKLEY
          What do you mean, what are you
          gonna do? I've got a house with
          bedrooms--do the math. When it
          doesn't work out with her--which it
          won't--there's going to be a bunch
          of other back-up chicks there.
          Rick nods then turns to Leigh.

                         RICK
          My buddy's inviting everybody back
          to his crib.

                         LEIGH
          Sounds cool.
          As they walk toward the exit, we

                         CUT TO:

          ESTABLISHING SHOT OF HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS - NIGHT

          INT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Fred and Missy are walking down the hallway toward his room.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          I've got to be honest, Fred... I'm
          not really sure what we're doing
          here.

                         FRED
          What do you mean? We're hangin',
          we're connecting--that's what
          friends do. Especially if they want
          to take it to the next level where
          they can call each other 'good
          friends.'

                         

                         

                         

                         

          96.
          He comes to his room and starts to unlock the door.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          You're married, Fred.

                         FRED
          Ah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
          Fred opens the door but Missy stays in the hall.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          What does blah-blah mean? You are
          still married, right?

                         FRED
          Happily. Look, I don't want to get
          into all the details, but my wife
          gave me this one-time deal where I
          get to be with another woman.
          He opens the door wide. She looks at him for a BEAT.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          I thought we were going to the
          hotel bar?

                         FRED
          We are. There's a mini-bar in my
          room. You better hurry up, it's
          last call.
          Fred smiles.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Are you out of your flippin' mind?
          Fred loses the smile.

                         FRED
          Um...

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Are you out of your mind?!

                         FRED
          I'm going to be honest with you--
          your tone right now is scaring me.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          You call me up for the first time
          in your life, claim you have some
          kind of emergency, and it turns out
          that you just want to screw me?!

                         FRED
          Or not.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Well, screw you, Fred!
          She starts walking down the hallway. Fred nods, unfazed.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          97.

                         FRED
          Nail on the head!
          She turns and glares at him.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          What?

                         FRED
          What you just said--I had that
          coming. Big time.
          Fred hangs his head.

                         FRED (CONT'D)

                         (SOFTLY)
          Seriously, Missy, I...I don't know
          what's gotten into me this week. I
          think I must be having some kind of
          mid-life crisis or something
          because I've been acting like a
          real jackass.

                         (SIGHS
          Anyway ease forgive me. I
          really am very, very sorry and
          ashamed.
          Missy, standing a few feet away, finally calms down.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Okay. Whatever.

                         FRED
          Thank you.

          LONG BEAT.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          So ... . you want to come in for
          that drink?
          He arches an eyebrow.

                         MISSY FRANKENFIELD
          Fuck you, Fred!
          Missy STORMS away.

                         FRED

                         (TO SELF )
          'No thank you' would have sufficed.
          Fred walks into his room and closes the door.

          INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Fred goes to the mini-bar and pours himself a drink. He
          looks around the room. The week's over and he's failed
          miserably. He sits on the bed. Alone.
          Then a KNOCK. Fred gets up and opens the door.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          98.

                         FRED
          Hi. May I help you?
          REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS Paige's Aunt Meg. She's wearing a
          skirt and low-cut tank top and has cougar written all over
          her.

                         AUNT MEG
          Rick, my name's Meg. I'm your
          babysitter Paige's aunt, and I just
          wanted to come over here and tell
          you this: They don't make men like
          you anymore.
          She smiles.

                         FRED
          Oh. Well, thank you.

                         (BEAT)
          Would you like to come in?

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BALL CLUB BEACH HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

          A guilt-ridden Grace is just finishing GETTING DRESSED when
          Gerry comes out of the bathroom buttoning up his shirt.

                         GERRY
          Everything okay?

                         GRACE
          Yeah. Yeah. It's just ...no,
          everything's not okay.

                         GERRY
          What?
          He moves close to her and she grows uncomfortable.

                         GRACE
          Look, you're a great cguy, Gerry,
          and you're very charming and very
          sweet and the last thing I wanted
          to do was hurt your feelings,
          but...well, what,just happened can
          never happen again.
          Gerry looks confused.

                         GERRY
          Oh.

                         GRACE
          I know it's probably hard for you
          to understand but...I love my
          husband.

                         GERRY
          So? What does that have to do with
          anything? Fate threw us together
          and we went with it--isn't that
          what life's all about?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          99.
          Grace looks at him, recognizing the youth and triteness of
          his words.

                         GRACE
          Not always.

                         (BEAT)
          It wasn't fair to my husband... and
          it wasn't fair to you because this
          could never become anything more
          than just.. .what it was.
          She looks at him and shrugs apologetically. Gerry BARKS out
          a LAUGH.

                         GERRY
          I know that.

                         GRACE
          You do?

                         GERRY

                         (BIG SMILE)
          Of course I do. Jeez. I mean, no
          offense, but let's face it, you're
          a lot older than me.
          She flinches, a little embarrassed. A quick reality check
          for Grace.

                         GRACE
          Right.

                         GERRY
          I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm
          just saying, I didn't think we were
          going to start dating, you know?
          Could you imagine the looks we'd
          get? It'd be like Hugh Hefner and
          his girlfriends--except in reverse.
          Gerry CHUCKLES.

                         GERRY (CONT'D)
          You'd be Hugh Hefner.

                         GRACE
          Yeah, I got that part.
          Gerry looks at his watch.

                         GERRY
          Ooh, I gotta get going. We have
          kind of a team meeting in like
          twenty minutes.
          Gerry sees Grace glance at the clock: 12:15 A.M.

                         GERRY CONT'D
          It's, uh, kind o a tradition that
          we always get together on the night
          of the last game. It would probably
          be uncool if I missed it.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          100.

                         GRACE
          You don't have to explain.

                         GERRY
          Seriously, though, thanks for
          everything--that was awesome.
          He holds up his hand and she diligently HIGH-FIVES HIM. Then
          Gerry WALKS OUT THE DOOR. Grace sits there alone for a
          moment. We PUSH IN ON HER and we hear Gerry's CAR START
          OUTSIDE, and when Grace STARTS TO CRY, we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          This is a Tudor home in an upscale Brookline neighborhood.
          We can hear 'Rage Against The Machine' BLASTING from the
          street. There's thirty or so cars out front and PEOPLE are
          still arriving.

          INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - SAME

          The place is JAMMING. It's a nice house but under-furnished
          in a bachelor pad kind of way. Rick and Leigh are in a
          corner drinking beers.

                         LEIGH
          I guess I still have a lot to get
          out of my system before I do the
          marriage trip. I'm one of those
          people who wants to try everything
          once before I die.

                         RICK

                         (BLURTING OUT)
          Have you ever been with a married
          guy?
          Leigh pauses, but she doesn't flinch.

                         LEIGH
          No.

                         RICK
          Neither have I.
          Rick winces, but Leigh smiles at him. It's the moment of
          truth.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          I'd like to help you take being
          with a married guy off your list of
          things to do before you die.

                         LEIGH
          You would?

                         RICK
          Yes.
          Leigh gets close.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          101.

                         LEIGH
          I don't want to be a home-wrecker.

                         RICK
          I've got a one-time pass, remember?

                         LEIGH
          That wasn't just a line?

                         RICK
          No. It's for real.
          Leigh seems intrigued. She moves closer still, takes his
          hand.

                         LEIGH
          So where can we go to talk some
          more about this?

                         RICK

                         (NERVOUS)
          Um, Coakley has a game room
          upstairs. We could.. .talk there.

          WANNABE (O.S.)
          Leigh!
          Rick and Leigh look over to see an AGITATED Wannabe forcing
          his way through the crowd.

                         WANNABE (CONT'D)
          Where have you...? Why didn't
          you...? You knew this was my big
          night! How could you just--?
          (turns away, emotional)
          Look, can I please talk to you in
          private? Now.
          Leigh looks apologetically at Rick.

                         LEIGH
          Can you give me a second?

                         RICK
          Sure.
          Wannabe and Leigh walk a few feet away and Rick watches them
          have an ANIMATED CONVERSATION. It appears Wannabe may even
          be crying. Finally, Wannabe storms across the room but when
          he gets to the door, he looks back at Leigh.

                         WANNABE
          Well? Are you coming?
          Leigh SIGHS, then approaches Rick.

                         LEIGH
          I'm sorry, Rick. I have to go deal
          with this.
          Rick can't believe what's happening.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          102.

                         RICK
          Really? Now? I thought you said he
          wasn't your boyfriend.

                         LEIGH
          He's not...but he is a friend.
          Leigh glances at the broken-down Wannabe standing there at
          the door, then turns back to Rick.

                         LEIGH (CONT'D)
          I'm sorry.
          Before Rick can stop her, Leigh LEAVES THE PARTY with
          Wannabe. After a LONG BEAT, Rick slides down into a chair,

          DEVASTATED.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

          Maggie is spilling her guts to Rick Coleman as he stands over
          the stove MAKING PANCAKES.

                         MAGGIE
          .And he hasn't even spent one
          night in his own bed this week.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Let me get this straight--you gave
          him his freedom and now you're mad
          that he's acting free?
          This logic clearly stings Maggie.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          Hey, I'm sure there's an
          explanation. Maybe he took a trip
          somewhere?

                         MAGGIE
          I called his assistant--he's been
          in the office almost everyday.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Look, Maggie, for all you know your
          husband's been working at a sou
          kitchen, sleeping in his car al
          week, and he's only gotten laid two
          or three times at most.
          She looks up and forces a smile.

                         MAGGIE
          Ha-ha.
          Maggie checks her watch.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Jeez, I wonder what's taking Grace
          so long?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          103.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Well, if she went over to break the
          kid's heart, the least she could do
          is lend a sympathetic ear.
          He flips a pancake onto a plate.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          Prepare yourself for heaven.
          She reaches for the plate, but he slaps her hand away.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          Not so fast, lady. I'm not
          finished. You have not lived until
          you've had my steaming hot
          blueberry pancakes...
          He pulls a carton of vanilla ice cream out of a bag.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          .A la mode.
          Maggie smiles.

                         MAGGIE
          Oh My-lanta.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          And to wash it all down...
          Rick reaches into the bag and pulls out a DESSERT WINE. Off
          Maggie's smile, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          A glum Rick is walking through the PACKED PARTY when he bumps
          into Baker and Hog-Head standing around a keg with a GROUP OF

          GUYS.

                         RICK
          Hey. . .what are you guys doing here?

                         HOG-HEAD
          We're here for the hall pass.

                         RICK
          Really? I thought you guys had
          given up on us?

                         BAKER
          We did. We're here with them.
          He nods toward RICK LEARY and WILLY BOSHANE, both early 40's
          and paunchy.

                         RICK
          What are you talking about?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          104.

                         BAKER
          When Leary and Boshane heard about
          your guy's hall pass, they
          convinced their wives to give them
          one, too.
          A smiling Leary tries to HIGH-FIVE Rick, but he's having none
          of it. He turns to Baker, livid.

                         RICK
          You weren't supposed to tell anyone
          about the hall pass!

                         LEARY
          They didn't say anything. Our wives
          heard about it at the pool.

                         RICK
          No! At the pool?!
          Rick rubs his face, distressed.

                         BOSHANE
          Yep. And then about three days ago--
          after some hard-core negotiating--
          we managed to push the bill
          through.
          The guys LAUGH. Rick can hardly believe what he's spawned.

                         RICK
          Really? So...how's it going?

                         BOSHANE
          Solid. Very solid.

                         LEARY
          We're building mucho momentumo.
          Baker makes a JERK-OFF MOTION.

                         LEARY (CONT'D)

                         (ANNOYED)
          Hey, Baker, a hall pass ain't just
          about sex, you know.

                         BOSHANE
          That's right. It's about going
          bowling and, uh, staying up late,
          and being able to do what you want
          to do when you want to do it.

                         RICK
          Haven't gotten laid yet, huh?

                         BOSHANE

                         (DISPIRITED)
          It's a lot tougher than we thought
          it would be.
          Just then Gary comes around a corner.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          105.

                         GARY
          Hey, dudes, there's like ten very
          bangable chicks out on the back
          deck--let's go!
          Leary HOLDS UP HIS BEER.

                         LEARY
          To freedom!
          The guys TAP their beer cups, then EXIT toward the back deck.
          A dejected and defeated Rick watches them go, then turns and
          pushes his way through the crowd to the front door. As he
          OPENS THE DOOR to leave, he finds himself FACE-TO-FACE WITH

          LEIGH.

                         LEIGH
          Hey, where are you going?

                         RICK
          What are you doing...? I thought
          you'd left.

                         LEIGH
          No. I told you, I just had to talk
          him off the ledge. I calmed him
          down and sent him on his way.

                         RICK
          Oh. Uh, great.

                         LEIGH
          So where's that game room? I
          thought we were gonna play some
          games.
          She smiles and takes his hand and as they walk away, we go...

          INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT

          Rick and Leigh walk down the hall to the game room. He opens
          the door and flips on the light.
          THEIR POV - there's a pool table, a few pinball machines, a
          bar, and a bed.

                         LEIGH
          I'll be right back--I just have to
          use the bathroom.
          Rick nods, then watches as Leigh walks off and disappears
          into the bathroom. He takes a DEEP BREATH. This is it.
          Just then he hears O.S. LAUGHTER. Rick heads down the
          hallway and pushes open a door.

          COAKLEY (O.S.)
          Hey.
          REVERSE ANGLE reveals Coakley SITTING ALL ALONE in a small
          study off the hall. He has a bowl of Cap'n Crunch on his lap
          and is watching a re-run of The Andy Griffith Show.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          106.

                         RICK
          Hey. How come you're not downstairs
          partying?
          Coakley gives him a sad, worn-out smile.

                         COAKLEY
          All partied out, pal.
          Rick nods, understanding. Coakley LAUGHS once again at the

          TV.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Man, that Barney Fife still kills
          me.
          He looks back to Rick.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Hey, I was thinking about this hall-
          pass business. It's really ironic,
          isn't it?
          Rick glances down the hall to see if Leigh has returned.

                         RICK
          How's that?

                         COAKLEY
          Well think about it. There's two
          kinds of guys who cheat on their
          wives: The guy who does it behind
          her back, and a guy like you who
          has his wife's permission.

                         RICK
          Well it's not really cheating if I
          have permission.

                         COAKLEY
          Yeah, whatever. The point is, if
          you asked a hundred people who the
          better CJuy is, ninety-nine of 'em
          would pick you, because you're
          being honest--there's no deceit
          involved.
          Rick is growing uncomfortable.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          But the funny thing is, the other
          guy, the cheater, the bad guy, he
          has to live with all that guilt and
          anxiety, while his wife's running
          around happy as a clam because she
          doesn't know anything. And you, the
          good guy, you've got no guilt at
          all because you just laid it all on
          your wife's shoulders.

                         RICK
          Well I didn't really think of it

                         LIKE--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          107.

                         COAKLEY
          It's like she's your guilt Sherpa!
          Coakley CHUCKLES and Rick deflates.

                         COAKLEY (CONT'D)
          Funny, huh?

                         RICK

                         (WEAKLY)
          Yeah.

                         COAKLEY
          And that, my friend, is why you are
          a genius.
          As Rick lets this all sink in, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

          Paige's Aunt Meg is sitting on the couch. Her legs are
          crossed revealing a lot of skin. Fred hands her a glass of
          wine and sits beside her.

                         FRED
          Cheers.
          They CLINK glasses.

                         AUNT MEG
          Rick, I hope you don't mind me
          tracking you down--Paige told me
          where you were staying.

                         FRED
          Please. Not at all.

                         AUNT MEG
          You've been very sweet to her.
          Fred waves her off.

                         FRED
          Hey, she's a good kid. I do what I
          can for the kids.
          Aunt Meg moves in a little closer, squints at him sweetly.

                         AUNT MEG
          She told me everything. And I have
          to say, I was very impressed.

                         FRED
          Hm?

                         AUNT MEG
          I know she tried to hook-up with
          you--twice in fact--and that you
          set her straight both times.
          Fred hadn't heard this from Rick and is a little confused.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          108.

                         FRED
          Uh...hook-up?

                         AUNT MEG

                         (SMILES)
          Rick, enough with the chivalry.
          Paige wanted to sleep with you and
          you didn't take advantage of her.
          I'm just saying that's very cool.
          He shrugs modestly.

                         FRED
          Well... she's a kid and kids get
          crushes. I remember in tenth grade
          I had the biggest crush on my
          French teacher--thank God Mr.
          LeClaire was professional enough to
          only date seniors.
          Meg GIGGLES.

                         AUNT MEG
          I'm serious, it takes a certain
          kind of guy to say no to a
          beautiful young girl like that--
          especially since you have your
          wi e's permission now.
          Meg shoots him a knowing smile and puts her glass down.

          AUNT MEG (CONT'D)
          I like that, Rick. You have morals.
          She leans in and KISSES HIS NECK. Fred glances down at her
          breasts.

                         FRED
          Hey, all you have in this world is
          your word.
          As Aunt Meg CLIMBS ON TOP OF FRED, we

                          CUT TO:

          INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - GAME ROOM - NIGHT

          Rick ENTERS to find Leigh playing a pinball machine. Leigh
          turns and smiles at Rick.

                         RICK
          Leigh, I gotta split.

                         LEIGH
          What?

                         RICK

                         (NERVOUS)
          Yeah, I kind of hit a wall.
          She can hardly believe her ears.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          109.

                         LEIGH
          Really? Are you feeling okay?
          You're not mad because I went
          outside with my friend, are you?

                         RICK
          No, no, no. Look, I shouldn't be
          doing this. I have.. .you know,
          commitments.
          Leigh nods at this, then unties a shoulder strap and her
          DRESS FALLS TO THE FLOOR. Suddenly she's NAKED before him
          and she's PERFECT.

                         RICK (CONT'D)

                         (WEAKLY)
          Um, you dropped something.
          For a moment nobody moves. We can almost hear Rick's heart
          beat. Then Leigh STEPS CLOSER to him and Rick instinctively
          leans back.

                         LEIGH
          Relax. Don't think so much. You're
          gonna have your wife for the rest
          of your life, but tonight. . .you
          have me.
          Leigh smiles. And it's the kind of smile you only get two or
          three times in your life, if you're lucky, and probably never
          from a woman this beautiful.
          She reaches down and UNBUCKLES HIS PANTS, then she PULLS OFF
          HIS SHIRT. They stand face-to-face now, the middle-aged guy
          and the young beauty, and it's happening exactly the way Rick
          had hoped it would, the dream.
          She presses her body against his and STARTS TO KISS HIS NECK,
          her hand DISAPPEARING SOMEWHERE BELOW HIS WAIST. Then she
          leans her head AGAINST HIS CHEST. As he looks down at her,
          we PUSH IN on a suddenly conflicted Rick.

                         RICK
          Nope. I can't do this.
          He reaches for his shirt.

                         LEIGH
          What are you doing?

                         RICK
          I'm sorry.
          She stares at him, confused, as he buckles his pants.

                         LEIGH
          Your wife didn't give you a hallway
          permission slip, did she?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          110.

                         RICK
          Yes, she did, but... look, you're
          insanely beautiful and
          pathologically sexy and every cell
          in my body is telling me to dust do
          this, but--
          Rick points to his chest.

                         RICK (CONT'D)
          See this area, this spot right
          here? The first time Maggie and I
          slept together, back in college,
          she fell asleep right here. And she
          left a puddle of drool. And it
          didn't bother me. It actually felt
          good. That's when I knew I was
          going to marry her.

                         (BEAT)
          And when my kids--Emma and Gunnar--
          when they were babies, this is
          where they slept. Or sometimes at
          four o'clock in the morning Emma
          would just lay there and stare up
          at me. It was where we first got to
          know each other.

                         (BEAT)
          So I'm sorry, Leigh, but as amazing
          as I think you are...I gotta go
          home.
          Rick shrugs apologetically.

                         LEIGH
          Well, I think you have a screw
          loose and you're probably going to
          regret this for the rest of your
          life, but. . .right on, man.

                         RICK
          Um...do you want me to give you a
          ride home?

                         LEIGH
          No. It's only one-thirty--I'm going
          back down to the party.
          Rick raises two fingers.

                         RICK
          Peace it.

                         LEIGH
          R-O-C-K in the U-S-A.
          As they smile at each other one last time, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. FRED'S MINIVAN - NIGHT

          Rick is pulling away from Coakley's house when the car phone
          RINGS. Rick pushes a button to ANSWER.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         RICK
          Hello.

          MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)

                         (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
          Yes, is this Fred Searing?

                         RICK
          Oh, uh, no, I'm sorry, he's not
          here right now. I'm using his car.

          MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)

                         (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
          Well, would you know where I could
          find him? This is Sgt. Polisner of
          the Massachusetts State Police.
          As Rick grows alarmed, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

          Fred is still on the couch with Aunt Meg on the floor in
          front of him. Fred's PANTS ARE DOWN TO HIS ANKLES, leaving
          him with only his boxers on. Meg KISSES HIS CHEST and
          STOMACH, then leans back and TAKES OFF HER TANK-TOP,
          revealing EXTRA-LARGE BAZOOKAS stuffed into a slinky bra.

                         AUNT MEG
          I'm attracted to men with
          integrity.

                         FRED
          Thanks--wow, you got great jugs.
          Meg takes Fred's hand and leads him toward the bed (with his
          pants still at his ankles), Fred WADDLING LIKE A PENGUIN.

                         AUNT MEG
          Moral-guy's a tit-man, huh?

                         FRED

                         (SHRUGGING)
          Well, I grew up in the midwest.
          She pushes him down on the bed and Fred quickly kicks off his
          pants and shoes (but keeps his boxers on.) Meg TACKLES him
          and the two of them start to roll around UNDER THE COVERS.
          An O.S. Fred seems to be working his way down her stomach.

                         AUNT MEG
          Oh yes! Rick... please...I want you
          to make love to me.
          Just then Rick BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, out of breath. Fred and
          Meg come up from under the covers. (Fred is at waist-level on
          her.)

                         RICK
          Fred, I need to talk to you!
          Meg GLARES down at Fred, confused.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          112.

                         AUNT MEG
          Fred? I thought you were Rick?!

                         RICK
          I'm Rick.
          Fred cowers guiltily.

                         FRED
          Please don't judge me.
          As Aunt Meg KARATE KICKS Fred in the face, we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

          Fred, now dressed, hurries across the parking lot with Rick
          on his heels. Fred has BLOOD-STAINED TISSUE stuffed up his
          nose.

                         FRED
          What did they tell you? Is Grace
          gonna be okay?

                         RICK
          All I know is she was in a car
          accident and they rushed her to the
          hospital.

                         FRED
          Oh my God...
          Suddenly they hear O.S. GLASS SHATTERING. They look up and

          REACT.
          THEIR POV - From fifty yards across the parking lot, they can
          see that Fred's mini-van's windshield has just been BASHED IN
          by the BAT-WIELDING Wannabe. On the side of the vehicle is
          spray-painted: HORNY OLD MAN.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Whoa!!! What the hell...?!
          Wannabe turns to them, a CRAZED LOOK on his face.

                         WANNABE
          How do you like me now, Splenda-
          boy?

                         FRED
          You moron, that's Lny car! His is
          the one next to it!
          Wannabe looks over at Rick's Avalon, PULLS OUT A KNIFE, and
          quickly SLASHES TWO OF RICK'S TIRES. As Rick and Fred RUN
          TOWARD HIM, Wannabe JUMPS INTO AN OLD BRONCO and PEELS OUT OF

          THE PARKING LOT.
          BACK ON Rick and Fred as they slow down and CATCH THEIR

          BREATHS.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          113.

                         RICK
          Nice job, Fred.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

          The mini-van blows by a sign that reads 'CAPE COD - 60

          MILES.'

          INT. MINI-VAN - SAME

          The WINDSHIELD IS GONE and the wind blows back Rick and
          Fred's hair as if they were on a motorcycle. Fred tries his
          car phone as he drives.

                         FRED
          Oh come on! How can a hospital not
          have a live operator?!

                         RICK
          It's four in the morning, Fred.
          Fred hangs up and pounds his steering wheel.

                         FRED
          What was I thinking?! I had a great
          wife--a beautiful wife--and now I
          may lose her.. .because of you.

                         RICK
          What are you talking about?! You
          said our wives were living their
          dreams, with their fancy gas ovens,
          and that our dream was the hall
          pass! How can you blame this on
          me?!

                         FRED
          I'd never even heard of a hall pass
          until you flaunted yours in my
          face! 'Hey, look at me, I've got a
          hall pass--everyone should have a
          hall pass!' You ruined my life,
          Mills!

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT

          Maggie and Rick Coleman sit on the back deck DRINKING WINE.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          This is a great place.

                         MAGGIE
          Yeah, my family's had it since I
          was a kid. We used to come for a
          week a summer, then two weeks, then
          a month, then by the time I got to
          high school we were living here all
          summer long.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          114.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Something's wrong here, Maggie.

                         MAGGIE
          Hm?

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Something's wrong with a guy who
          would leave a woman like you alone
          for this long.

                         MAGGIE

                         (UNCOMFORTABLE)
          Well, you know...I did give him a
          hall pass.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          So what? If you were my girl, I
          wouldn't have taken it.
          An awkward moment. Rick touches her hand and Maggie looks
          away.

          RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
          You deserve way better.

                         MAGGIE
          Uh, in Rick's defense, he didn't
          really even want the hall pass. I
          kind of forced it on him.

                         RICK COLEMAN
          Why would you do that?
          Maggie thinks about this.

                         MAGGIE
          I don't know.

                         (BEAT)
          I guess I felt like he wasn't
          noticing me anymore. j guess I
          wanted to feel.. .desired again. And
          the truth is, in my heart, I never
          thought he'd go through with it.
          He brushes her hair from her face and they look into each
          other's eyes. He leans in and she does, too, and right when
          it looks like THEY MAY KISS, Maggie hesitates as suddenly

          EVERYTHING BECOMES CLEAR TO HER.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Oh my God...

                         RICK COLEMAN
          What?

                         MAGGIE
          This hall pass ...it wasn't for him.

                         (SOFTLY)
          It was...for me.
          And as they hang on that realization, we

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         115

          EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

          A police cruiser is parked on the highway divider.

          INT. POLICE CRUISER - SAME

          Two YOUNG COPS are relaxing with their coffees when the

          SMASHED-UP MINI-VAN FLIES BY.

                         COP #1
          Did you see that? He didn't have a
          windshield.
          Cop #2 throws the car into drive and they pull a U-ey and

          GIVE CHASE.

          INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS

          Fred looks regretful.

                         FRED
          I'm sorry, man, I shouldn't have
          blamed you for this. I'm the one
          who dragged you into this thing.

                         RICK
          No, you didn't. I went willingly.

                         FRED
          I've been bad, Rick. I've been real
          bad.

                         RICK
          We've both been bad.

                         FRED
          I've been worse. I kissed your
          babysitter's aunt.

                         RICK
          That's not so bad.

                         FRED
          On the vagina.

                         RICK
          Ooh.
           They hear a SIREN and Rick looks back to see the cops on
          their tail.

                          RICK (CONT'D)
          Oh shit.

          EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

          The battered MINI-VAN blows by the 'WELCOME TO CAPE COD'
          hedges with the cop car on their tail.

          INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS

          Fred isn't slowing down. He grows more determined.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          116.

                         RICK
          Pull over, man!

                         FRED
          No way, I can out-run 'em!

                         RICK
          No you can't--not in this thing!

          EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

          We see another POLICE CRUISER FISHTAIL OUT OF A SIDE STREET
          and JOIN THE CHASE.

          INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS


                         RICK
          Oh God, now there's two of 'em!

                         FRED
          I don't care--I'm not stopping 'til
          we get there!

                         RICK
          Are you crazy?!

                         FRED
          Yeah, I'm crazy! I'm crazy about my
          wife!

          EXT. CAPE COD HOSPITAL - NIGHT

           Rick and Fred come SKIDDING UP to the EMERGENCY ROOM ENTRANCE
          in the graffitied mini-van.

          INT. POLICE CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

          The two Young Cops SCREECH to a stop behind the mini-van as
          the second cruiser flies up behind them.

                         COP #2
          We're on!
          The officers spring from their cars and quickly TACKLE Fred
          as he runs toward the front doors. Rick climbs out of the
          passenger seat with HIS HANDS RAISED.

                         RICK
          Hear me out, gentlemen, I can
          explain everything!
          A BURLY OFFICER from the back-up car form-tackles Rick,
          BLASTING him backwards onto the sidewalk.
          Fred and Rick manage to roll away and then CRAWL THROUGH THE

          FRONT ENTRANCE.

          INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Our guys barely get in the door before being PUMMELED TO THE
          FLOOR by the four cops. The TWO PEOPLE seated in the waiting
          room STAND UP IN SHOCK and then a swarm of DOCTORS and
          ORDERLIES come running in to see what the commotion is.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          117.

                         FRED
          Grace needs me!
          Cop #1 PINS FRED'S HEAD TO THE FLOOR as Cop #2 lays across
          his legs.

                         COP #1
          Okay, just take it easy, buddy.

                         FRED
          No, I won't take it easy! Look, I'm
          sorry I was speeding and I
          shouldn't have run from you guys,
          but my wife's been in an accident
          and she's in this emergency room
          and I gotta see how she is
          because...

                         (GROWS EMOTIONAL)

          .THAT WOMAN'S MY WHOLE LIFE!
          The cops look moved and unsure what to do.

                         DOCTOR
          Are you the husband of...
          (glances down at chart)
          .Grace Searing?
          Fred strains to look up.

                         FRED
          Yes! Is she okay?!
          The Doctor hesitates and the cops look at each other and then
          the Burly Officer releases Rick from his head-lock.

                         BURLY OFFICER
          All right, let him up.
          The young officers get off Fred and help him up. Fred rushes
          to the Doctor, who seems very serious.

                         FRED
          Please tell me she's gonna be okay.

                         DOCTOR
          She is. Your wife broke her nose
          and she got shaken up a bit, but
          all in all she's a very lucky
          woman.

                         FRED
          You got that wrong, doc. I'm the
          lucky one.
          Fred is visibly relieved as the doctor smiles and walks off.

                         FRED (CONT'D)

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Bless you, doctor!
          Fred turns to Rick and the two men hug and then Rick grabs
          Fred by the shoulders and looks him in the eye.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          118.

                         RICK
          You take care of that woman, buddy,
          and I'm gonna go home and take care
          of mine.
          Fred nods, emotional, as the cops look at each other,
          unmoved. Rick starts to walk away.

                         FRED
          Rick...
          Rick stops and turns at the door.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          You go love that lady!
          The Burly Officer rolls his eyes and steps up to Rick.

                         BURLY OFFICER
          Uh, before you 'go love that lady',
          we're going to have to write you
          guys up.
          As the officer pulls out his CITATION PAD, we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT

          Rick pulls up in the wrecked mini-van and gets out.

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

          Rick steps quietly into the house. He sees two empty bottles
          of wine and two half-filled glasses on the coffee table.
          Then he hears Maggie's O.S. VOICE coming from the bedroom.

          MAGGIE (O.S.)
          Oh my god...oh my god...oh my
          and...
          ON RICK - he looks concerned as he approaches the bedroom
          door.

          INT. BEACH COTTAGE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Rick ENTERS to find Maggie laying in bed... TALKING ON THE

          PHONE.

                         MAGGIE

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Oh my god... oh my god, you poor
          thing.
          Maggie looks up, shocked to see Rick.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hold on, Rick just walked in.

                         (TO RICK)
          Grace was in a car accident!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          119.

                         RICK
          I know. She's okay.
          Maggie goes back to the phone.

                         MAGGIE

                         (INTO PHONE)
          And they let you go?

                         (BEAT)
          Okay... so you're on your way?
          Great.

                         (BEAT)
          I love you, too, honey.
          She hangs up.

                          MAGGIE CONT'D)
           My God, she scared ( me to death.

                          RICK
           March twenty-fifth, 1988.

                          MAGGIE
          What?

                          RICK
           The day I lost my virginity. March
          25th, 1988 at approximately ten-
           thirty in the evening.
          Maggie thinks about this.

                         MAGGIE
          What are you talking about? We were
          dating then.
          Rick nods. She looks at him, not sure if she understands.

                         RICK
          You were my first. And you were my
          last. And you were everything in
          between.
          As it all sinks in, Maggie STARTS TO WELL UP.

                         MAGGIE
          Really?

                         RICK
          Really.

                         MAGGIE
          So...is that why you were crying
          that first night?
          Rick shrugs, embarrassed.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          And I was...I was your last?

                         RICK
          You are my only. Forever.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          120.
          Maggie smiles and runs into his arms. They KISS, and it's a
          real kiss, the kind they haven't had in a long while.

                         DISSOLVE TO:
          Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:

                         DAY 7

          EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - DAWN

           The sky is lightening but the sun hasn't risen yet. A taxi-
          van pulls up and Fred gets out. (Fred has a BLACK EYE.) He
           helps Grace out of the van, then pays the DRIVER. (Grace has
          TWO BLACK EYES and her nose is HEAVILY BANDAGED.) When the
          taxi drives off, Fred helps Grace toward the house.

                         FRED
          .And what were you doing driving
          around at one o'clock in the
          morning?

                         GRACE

                         (NERVOUS)
          Well...I was upset so I went for a
          drive--you know, to think--and I
          must have hit a patch of sand, and
          before I knew it I was into the
          pole.
          Fred stops and looks her in the eye.

                         FRED
          I'm sorry, Grace.

                         GRACE
          For what?

                         FRED
          For putting you through all this.
          Grace looks awash in guilt.

                         GRACE
          It's not your fault, Fred.

                         FRED
          Yes, it is--of course it's my
          fault. This isn't you--driving
          around all night, thinking--you're
          not a thinker.
          When she looks up at him, he forces a smile. But she doesn't
          smile back.

                         GRACE
          Look, Fred, we have to talk
          about... about what happened this
          week.
          Fred takes a DEEP BREATH and looks around, trying to avoid
          the moment.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          121.

                         FRED
          Grace. . .do we really have to do
          this?
          Grace lowers her head guiltily.

                         GRACE
          Yeah. Yeah, we do.
          When she looks back up, she NOTICES the SPRAY-PAINTED and

          BATTERED MINI-VAN.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          Horny old man?

                         FRED

                         (MATTER-OF-FACT)
          Oh, no, honey, that's not me--they
          were talking about Rick.
          Grace looks at him, confused. Suddenly Fred falls to his
          knees.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          Look, all you gotta know is that
          whatever happened doesn't matter! I
          love you and only you! And I'm
          going to treat you like the queen
          that you are for the rest of your
          living days, so help me God! I'll
          mow the lawn, I'll shovel the snow,
          I'll wash the stubble off the
          sink...
          Grace looks down at him.

                         FRED (CONT'D)
          .But please, I'm begging you,
          sweetie... can we please just never
          talk about what happened this week?
          Grace's eyes flicker about, hardly believing her luck.

                         GRACE
          Um...deal.
          Fred gets up and THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND HIS WIFE.

                         GRACE (CONT'D)
          I love you, Fred.
          As they embrace, Fred sees Rick come out the front door with
          his arm around Maggie. Fred shoots Rick a THUMBS-UP.
          CLOSE ON RICK AND MAGGIE as they smile at Fred and Grace.

                         RICK
          Come on, you two! We're gonna go
          watch the sun come up!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          122.
          Hall & Oates's 'When The Morning Comes' begins to play and as
          our two HAPPY COUPLES hold hands and walk off toward the
          beach, we pull up, up, up, and...

                         FADE OUT:

                         THE END