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Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle Movie Script

Writer(s) : Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg

Genres : Adventure, Comedy

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                         HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

          
                                     Written by

          
                         Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg

          

          

          

          
                                           Script Revisions � Double White
                                                           May 28, 2003(b)

          

          

                                                        FADE IN:

          1   INT. BILLY OFFICE (BREWSTER KEEGAN INVESTMENT BANK)- 4:50 PM

                                                                         1
              BILLY CARVER (mid-20s, good looking, "romantic") is sitting
              at his desk, depressed, staring at a photo of his ex-
              girlfriend.

                                  MAN (O.S.)
                     Billy Boy!
              J.D. BANKS (mid-20s, always looking for a good time) enters
              the office.

                                  J.D.
                     Get your ass ready! It's almost five
                     o'clock and this bad boy needs to get his
                     drink on!
              J.D. notices his friend pining over the photo.

                                  J.D.
                     Oh God. Give me that.     I'm burning it
                     once and for all.
              J.D. snatches the photo, and pulls out his lighter. Just as
              the flame is about to touch the photo, BILLY grabs it back.

                                  BILLY
                     Don't!

                                  J.D.
                     Dude, it's been six months.    You have to
                     move on.
              BILLY nods knowingly.

                                  J.D.
                     You know what'll cheer you up? Some hot
                     chick riding your jock all night long.

                                  BILLY
                     You're such a romantic, J.D.

                                  J.D.
                     It would help get your mind off of Sarah.
              BILLY ponders this for a moment.

                                  BILLY
                     Whatever. Even if I wanted to meet other
                     women, I wouldn't even know what to do.
                     I've been out of the game so long.

                                  J.D.
                     Billy, you come out with me tonight, and
                     I promise you'll get laid.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   2.

          

          

                                  BILLY
                     Sounds tempting, but I can't. Berenson
                     needs me to update the financial models
                     for his meeting with the foreign
                     investors.

                                  J.D.
                     So what? It's Friday!      You have all
                     weekend to do that.

                                  BILLY
                     No I don't. The Germans are taking an
                     earlier flight back, so the meeting's
                     been moved to tomorrow.
              J.D. thinks for a moment.

                                  J.D.
                     Well, why don't you just get somebody
                     else to do your work then?

                                  BILLY
                     Who?
              J.D. gets a big smile on his face.    He has an idea.

          2   INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE - 4:55 PM                                 2
              HAROLD LEE (22 years old, the typical Asian-American
              workhorse you'll find in any investment bank) is packing up
              his briefcase, getting ready to leave for the day.
              BILLY and J.D. approach...

                                  BILLY
                     Harold, listen, I need you to update
                     these models for me.

                                  HAROLD
                            (confused)
                     But aren't you supposed to...

                                  BILLY
                     I know, but something came up. I have to
                     meet with some clients tonight, so I
                     won't be able to get to it. It's your
                     responsibility now. Okay?
              Harold doesn't like this, but before he even has a chance to
              protest, J.D. steps forward...

                                  J.D.
                     And make sure it's in tomorrow by nine
                     o'clock sharp.

                                  (MORE)

          

                            DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003     3.
                                  J.D. (cont'd)
                     With all the downsizing going on around
                     here, we wouldn't want to have to tell
                     Berenson that you've been slacking. He's
                     just dying to figure out who he should
                     fire next.

                                  HAROLD
                     Uh...okay...no problem...
              BILLY drops a big stack of papers on Harold's desk.

          3   EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT - 5:00 PM                    3
              BILLY and J.D. are walking through the parking lot.

                                   BILLY
                     Wow!   I can't believe how easy that was!

                                  J.D.
                     Dude, how do you think I get all my shit
                     done? I'm telling you -- those Asian
                     guys love crunching numbers. You
                     probably just made his weekend.
              The guys have reached J.D.'S CONVERTIBLE.

          4   INT. J.D.'S CONVERTIBLE                                       4
              Billy and J.D. enter the car.

                                  J.D.
                     Now get ready. It's time we embark
                     on...Operation Get Some!
              And with that, J.D. presses a button in his car that causes
              the top of the convertible to go down and a funky white boy
              song kicks in.
              Intercut:

          5   INT/EXT. J.D'S CONVERTABLE                                    5
              Billy and J.D. think they're hot shit as they cruise through
              the parking lot blasting their tunes. When the lyrics kick
              in, J.D. begins lip-syncing passionately. Billy loves it.
              When the chorus begins, the guys begin dancing in their seats
              in an unrealistic, synchronized, choreographed manner.
              J.D. gives a thumbs up to an ELDERLY PARKING ATTENDANT as his
              car zooms out of the parking lot.

          
              QUICK BOOM UP from J.D.'s Convertible and PUSH IN to Harold
              standing at a window watching as Billy and J.D. zoom off.
              He looks at the stack of papers they gave him...

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   4.

          

          

                                    HAROLD
                     Fuck.

          6   OMIT                                                             6

          7   INT. DR. WOODRUFF'S OFFICE - NYU MEDICAL SCHOOL                  7
              KUMAR PATEL (22, Indian, Funky Hair) is answering questions
              from his NYU Medical School interviewer, DR. Woodruff (middle
              aged, erudite, very professional). Kumar has NO ACCENT.
              He's American.

                                  KUMAR
                     Mononucleosis or mono is an infection
                     caused by the Epstein-Barr virus.
                     Symptoms may include fever, sore throat,
                     headaches, white patches on the back of
                     your throat, swollen glands, sluggishness
                     and loss of appetite.

                                  DR. WOODRUFF
                     Excellent, Kumar. I have to say you're
                     one of the best applicants I've ever
                     interviewed. Not that it's a surprise.
                     Your father is very respected in his
                     field. You know he and I had some pretty
                     wild times when we were in med school.

                                    KUMAR
                     Really?

                                  DR. WOODRUFF
                     Yeah. We started our own basketball team--
                     the Hemoglobin Trotters...
                            (cracking up)
                     Yeah, we were crazy.
              Kumar nods and smiles.   Woodruff finally stops laughing...

                                  DR. WOODRUFF
                     Anyway-- just one more question.
                            (reading from a clipboard)
                     What are some potential symptoms of
                     pancreatitis?

                                  KUMAR
                     Let's see. There might be epigastric
                     tenderness, diffuse abdominal
                     tenderness...
              Suddenly, we hear what sounds like be a match being lit, a
              gurgle, and a cough -- the distinct sounds of somebody
              smoking from a bong. Dr. Woodruff is confused. Kumar pulls
              out his cell phone. It's his personalized ringer.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   5.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                        (to Dr. Woodruff)
                 I'm sorry. Can you hold on one second?
          Kumar stands up and answers his cell phone.

                              KUMAR
                        (into the phone)
                 Kumar's phone. Kumar speaking.
                        (listening)
                 Oh, hey.
                        (listening)
                 Nothing important. I can talk. What's up?
          Dr. Woodruff is offended. He takes a sip of from a mug of
          coffee and watches as Kumar begins pacing around the office.
          Intercut:

          INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE - SIMULTANEOUS
          Harold is talking on his office phone...

                              HAROLD
                 I'm not gonna be able to partake in our
                 usual Friday night ritual. I've gotta
                 stay late at the office.

                              KUMAR
                        (into the phone)
                 Fuck that shit! We had plans!
          Dr. Woodruff can't believe Kumar's choice of words.

                              HAROLD
                 I know, but I gotta get this work done.

                              KUMAR
                 Oh come on! When has getting high ever
                 prevented you from finishing your work?
          Dr. Woodruff is so shocked that the mug of coffee simply
          slips out of his hands. Hot coffee goes all over his shirt.
          Woodruff yells and starts wiping his shirt with a napkin.

                              HAROLD (O.S.)
                 Listen, I'd love to go home, but...

                              KUMAR
                 No fucking buts! I just bought a quarter
                 of the finest herb in New York City, and
                 I'm not smoking it alone.

                              (MORE)

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003         6.
                              KUMAR (cont'd)
                 So you're just gonna have to chill the
                 fuck out, bring your work home, and
                 prepare to get blazed, because in a
                 couple of hours I expect both of us to be
                 blitzed out of our skulls. Got it?...Okay
                 good. See you later.
          Kumar hangs up the phone and sits back down.      Dr. Woodruff is
          stunned.

                              KUMAR
                        (to Dr. Woodruff)
                 Okay, where was I? Oh yes. More
                 symptoms of pancreatitis. Um...decreased
                 bowel sounds, possibly fever,
                 dehydration, and sometimes even shock.

                              DR. WOODRUFF
                        (livid)
                 Mr. Patel. This is supposed to be a
                 proper interview. Do you actually believe
                 after the way you've behaved that I would
                 ever even consider recommending you for
                 admission?

                                KUMAR
                 No.    I'd actually be pretty surprised.
          Dr. Woodruff is flustered.   He doesn't know how to react.

                              KUMAR
                 Look, I'm just interviewing so my dad
                 will keep paying for my apartment. I'm
                 not really planning on going to med
                 school.

                              DR. WOODRUFF
                        (confused)
                 But...you have perfect MCAT scores!

                              KUMAR
                 Well, I'm not an idiot.
          Dr. Woodruff is at a loss for words.
          Kumar notices a framed picture of a HOT TEENAGE GIRL on Dr.
          Woodruff's desk. He picks it up.

                                KUMAR
                 Wow!    Is this your daughter?
          A disturbed Dr. Woodruff grabs the portrait out of Kumar's
          hands.

          

                                                    CUT TO:

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   7.

          

          

          8    INT. HAROLD'S CUBICLE                                           8
               Harold shuts down his laptop. He then puts the laptop along
               with all his paperwork into a bag and leaves the office.

          9    EXT. OFFICE BUILDING PARKING LOT                                9
               Harold walks to the end of the parking lot, where his car is
               parked. As he walks, the strap of his laptop bag breaks and
               falls to the ground. Harold is frustrated as he picks it up.

          10   EXT. PARKING LOT EXIT GATE                                  10
               After other cars zoom through uninterrupted, the ELDERLY
               PARKING ATTENDANT stops Harold and checks his ID before
               letting him leave.

          11   EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING PARKING LOT - 6:21 PM               11
               Harold's driving his WHITE INFINITI G20. He finds a spot...

                                    HAROLD
                      Yes!   Right in front...
               Harold carefully lines up his car to parallel park. As he
               starts to pull in, A YELLOW JEEP STEALS THE SPOT FROM BEHIND.
               The jeep is loaded with "alternative" stickers, and has a
               KAYAK, HANG-GLIDER, and other sports equipment on the roof.
               Harold almost hits the JEEP. He knows this car.

                                   HAROLD
                             (frustrated, to himself)
                      Those assholes.
               The driver, COLE (20's, asshole, high energy, intense, loud
               mouth), puts down his window...
               COLE is joined in the jeep with his EXTREME SPORTS PUNK
               FRIENDS, who all laugh at Harold.

                                   COLE
                             (mock Asian accent)
                      This is America, dude! Learn how to
                      drive!

                                   EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                      Better ruck tomorrow!
               Frustrated, Harold turns around and continues driving...

          

                                 DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   8.

          

          

          11A   EXT. SEMI-URBAN STREET                                      11A
                He ends up parking far from the building. He has to parallel
                park. He's anal with his parking, going in and out a bunch
                of times, until the car is positioned perfectly in the spot.

          11B   EXT. HAROLD AND KUMAR'S APARTMENT BUILDING                  11B
                Harold walks a bunch of blocks to his apartment building. He
                walks up the steps to the LOBBY ENTRANCE of his building...
                Suddenly, he stops in his tracks. Through the glass door, he
                sees... MARIA-- A beautiful, sweet-looking young woman of
                Puerto-Rican descent. She's standing by the elevators.
                HAROLD can't move. He's mesmerized. This is his dream girl.
                Harold takes a deep breath...

                                    HAROLD
                       Okay, be yourself. Don't be nervous.

          11C   INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (LOBBY) - DAY                       11C
                Harold enters the building and walks over to Maria. They
                give each other a friendly smile. We hear a "BING" sound,
                indicating the elevator has arrived. The doors open and
                Harold and Maria walk inside.

          12    INT. ELEVATOR                                                12
                HAROLD and MARIA are standing silently as the elevator goes
                up. Eventually, Harold gets the courage to speak...

                                    HAROLD
                       So Maria, what's been going on?

                                    MARIA
                       Oh, nothing. It's just been a long week.
                       How about you?

                                    HAROLD
                       My week was great. Work wasn't too bad. I
                       caught up on some sleep. Plus, the guy
                       who works next to me decided to bathe for
                       a change.

                                      MARIA
                       Really?

                                    HAROLD
                              (deadpan)
                       Oh wait, I meant the exact opposite of
                       that. Work sucked. I barely slept. And
                       the guy next to me still smells like
                       crap. But a man can dream, right?

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   9.

          

          
               Maria laughs.   Harold's pleased that his joke worked.

                                   HAROLD
                      So what are you up to tonight?

                                   MARIA
                      Actually, I'm probably gonna work out a
                      little bit, clean up the apartment, and
                      then go over to my boyfriend's place.
                      He's cooking me a really nice dinner.

                                   HAROLD
                             (disappointed)
                      Really?

                                    MARIA
                             (smiling)
                      Oh wait, I meant the exact opposite of
                      that.
                             (beat)
                      I'll actually probably just sit on my
                      ass, eat a pint of Hagaan Daz, and watch
                      Blind Date.

                                   HAROLD
                             (playful)
                      That sounds awful.
               Harold laughs, as does Maria.    They smile at each other...

                                   HAROLD
                      Well, if you want some company, maybe you
                      could sit on your ass at my place.

                                     MARIA
                               (flirty)
                      Maybe.

          
               We hear the "BING" of the elevator...

          13   INT. APARTMENT BUILDING(LOBBY)                                 13
               We're back in the lobby. EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED WAS A
               FANTASY. Harold and Maria enter the elevator.

          14   INT. ELEVATOR                                                  14
               HAROLD and MARIA stand silently while the elevator goes up.
               It's clear Harold wants to say something, but he doesn't have
               the courage. They reach their floor and exit the elevator.

          15   INT. HALLWAY                                                   15

                                     MARIA
                      Bye.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   10.

          

          
               MARIA walks over to her apartment and goes inside.

                                     HAROLD
                      Bye.

          16   INT. HAROLD AND KUMAR'S APARTMENT - 6:30 PM                  16
               Tired and frustrated, Harold enters his apartment. The place
               is minimally decorated, with one of the highlights being a
               poster of "BILLY MADISON."

                                     HAROLD
                      Kumar?

                                   KUMAR (O.C.)
                      Yeah, I'm in here!
               Harold walks over to Kumar's room and looks inside. It's
               Martha Stewart's nightmare-- dirty laundry all over the
               floor, etc. On his walls we see old school gangsta rap
               posters. MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA is everywhere. We see a
               Giant Photograph of Kumar with his arm around Mr. T. Kumar
               is not in the room, however.

                                     HAROLD
                      Kumar?

                                     KUMAR (O.C.)
                      In here...
               Curious, Harold walks over to HIS ROOM (neat, tidy, IKEA
               furnishings), where he sees KUMAR STANDING BUTT NAKED IN
               FRONT OF A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR. There's a "clipping sound"
               coming from Kumar's direction. Harold stares at him, shocked
               and appalled. Harold walks inside...

                                   HAROLD
                      Kumar, what the hell are you doing!

                                   KUMAR
                      I'm trimming my pubes.
               Kumar looks at himself in the mirror as he makes a couple
               more snips. On the floor, we see LARGE CLUMPS OF HAIR.

                                   HAROLD
                      Why aren't you doing this in your room!

                                   KUMAR
                      The mirror's in here.
                             (re: his crotch)
                      Hey, check it out! It looks like a Bonsai
                      tree!

                                   HAROLD
                      I'm gonna puke. Get your clothes on.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    11.

          

          

                                    KUMAR
                       Chill out. It makes my Johnson look
                       bigger. Besides, if I don't do this, I'll
                       end up with pubes like my dad. You've
                       seen Osama Bin Laden's beard, right?
                HAROLD notices something...

                                    HAROLD
                       Are those my scissors? Oh my God!     I
                       trim my nose hair with those!

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with
                       them for the past six months.

                                    HAROLD

                       GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!
                Kumar puts the scissors down and EXITS THE ROOM. Harold
                shakes his head and sets up his laptop on his desk...

          16A   INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM                                        16A
                Kumar puts on some boxers and a T-shirt (I love Bush: the
                pussy not the president).

                                    KUMAR
                              (calling out to Harold)
                       So what the hell is your problem, anyway?

                                    HAROLD (O.C.)
                       Other than my roommate's boney ass?

          17    INT. HAROLD'S BEDROOM                                        17
                Harold turns on his laptop and is ready to start working.

                                    HAROLD
                              (calling out)
                       One of the senior analysts asked me to do
                       a bunch of his work for him tonight.
                Kumar walks back into Harold's room...

                                    KUMAR
                       I assume you gave him the appropriate "go
                       fuck yourself."

                                    HAROLD
                       If by "go fuck yourself" you mean "no
                       problem sir" then yes, he got the message
                       loud and clear.
                KUMAR shakes his head in disgust...

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   12.

          

          

                                   KUMAR
                      Oh, no wonder you tried cancelling on me
                      today. Dude, you gotta learn how to say
                      "no" once in a while. Now lets get high.

                                    HAROLD
                      No.   I got a lot of work to finish.
               Kumar shuts Harold's laptop.

                                   KUMAR
                      Fuck that! You'll have plenty of time to
                      get that shit done later. Come on, let's
                      smoke a couple joints.
               Harold thinks for a moment and then caves...

                                   HAROLD
                      One joint.

                                   KUMAR
                      One and a half. Now let's do this...
               Kumar exits the room...
               HAROLD hangs his jacket up in his closet, which we see
               organized in rows of suits and button downs.

          18   INT. LIVING ROOM                                           18
               Kumar walks over to a table in the living room where he finds
               AN M.C.A.T. TEST PREP BOOK. Kumar lifts open the cover--
               inside, we see a hollowed-out circle filled with marijuana.
               Kumar smells it and shudders in ecstasy.
               The phone next to the book starts to ring. Kumar doesn't
               care. He lets it ring until the answering machine picks up.

                                   MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
                             (on the answering machine)
                      Kumar...it is daddy. I hope your
                      interview today was good. I'm calling to
                      remind you that you have another one
                      tomorrow morning with Dr. Wein from
                      Cornell at 10:00 a.m. Do not be late!
               Kumar rolls his eyes as he tears some pages from the M.C.A.T.
               book and starts rolling a fat blunt...

                                   MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT
                      It is very important you show up on time!
                      Mommy and I will be very upset if you do
                      not go. Good luck, Kumar. Remember, the
                      meeting is at ten o'clock. Bye bye.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003    13.

          

          
               Harold (still wearing his button-down shirt, only now
               untucked) enters the living room. Kumar is now licking the
               blunt.

                                   HAROLD
                      Don't you think you should take at least
                      one of your interviews seriously? At some
                      point your dad's gonna get really pissed.

                                   KUMAR
                      So what? It's not like there's a
                      shortage of Dr. Patel's out there. My
                      dad's a doctor. My brother's a doctor.
                      Just because everyone in my family went
                      to med school, doesn't mean I have to.

                                   HAROLD
                      Well, then what are you going to do?

                                   KUMAR
                      I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm
                      gonna smoke this fat blunt, get
                      ridiculously high, and then get something
                      to eat.

                                   HAROLD
                      Sounds like a plan.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

          19   OMIT                                                         19

          20   INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:00 PM                                   20
               HAROLD takes the first hit off the blunt. He nods to Kumar,
               as if to say "that's good shit." Kumar takes the blunt from
               Harold and inhales...

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

          21   INT. LIVING ROOM - 7:30 PM                                   21
               Harold and Kumar are now smoking out of an ENORMOUS BONG,
               while watching TV. The room is filled with smoke.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION
               It's an episode of "The Router Workshop."

               ANGLE - HAROLD AND KUMAR

                                   KUMAR
                      I think we've already seen this one.
               Harold changes the channel...

          

                            DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   14.

          

          

          ANGLE - TELEVISION
          It's an anti-marijuana commercial. Two teenagers are
          listening to rock music in a house without parents. One
          teenager (blonde) passes a joint to the other (brown haired).

                                 BLONDE HAIRED KID
                    Come on, dude. Just take one hit.       Don't
                    you want to be cool?
          Nervously, Brown Haired Kid takes a hit of the joint. Right
          after he exhales, he walks over to his DAD'S GUN RACK and
          takes out a LONG RIFLE...

                                 BLONDE HAIRED KID
                    Hey man, what are you doing?

                                   BROWN HAIRED KID
                    I'm so high!    Nothing can hurt me!
          The Brown Haired Kid puts the end of the rifle in his mouth.
          We see Blonde Haired kid in slow motion go "Nooooo!" BANG!

          WE HEAR A GUNSHOT AS THE SCREEN TURNS BLACK...

                                 ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Marijuana kills.

          ANGLE -    HAROLD AND KUMAR
          They're laughing their asses off at the commercial.

                                 KUMAR
                    I love that shit!
          Harold continues flipping channels...

          ANGLE- TV
          We see a News report

                                 NEWSCASTER
                    Tonight...a Cheetah escaped from the
                    Morristown Zoo...
          ANGLE - Harold and Kumar
          Harold's not interested.       He continues flipping...

                                  HAROLD
                    Nice.   Sixteen Candles is on.

                                 KUMAR
                    And the award for least heterosexual
                    statement ever made in this apartment
                    goes to...

                                 (MORE)

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003       15.
                              KUMAR (cont'd)
                        (mock opening an envelope)
                 ...Harold Lee! Come on down! Take a bow!

                              HAROLD
                 Oh come on. It's a John Hughes movie!
                 It's a classic! It's a beautiful story
                 about someone who feels unnoticed,
                 unappreciated, unloved...

                               KUMAR
                 Hey look!   It's you!
          Kumar points to the TV where we see a CLIP FROM SIXTEEN
          CANDLES--[Long Duk Dong talking about quiche/round pie]
          Kumar laughs.   Harold isn't amused.
          We see another CLIP [Long Duk talking about the chores he
          does for the grandparents].

                              KUMAR
                 Hey, when are you gonna start doing some
                 chores around here?
          Harold gives Kumar a "don't even joke" look. He then
          violently grabs the bong from Kumar and lights it. Kumar
          laughs as Harold exhales a lot of smoke...

                              HAROLD
                 We're so high right now.

                              KUMAR
                 We're not low.

                              HAROLD
                 I don't know about you, but I'm hungry as
                 balls.

                                KUMAR
                 No shit!    Let's eat!
          HAROLD bends down and picks up A BUNCH OF DELIVERY MENUS that
          have been left on the floor...

                              KUMAR
                 Nah, I don't feel like delivery tonight.

                              HAROLD
                 What about KFC?

                               KUMAR
                 Nah, we've been there too many times.
                        (beat)
                 I want something we haven't had in
                 awhile. Something different. Something
                 that'll really hit the spot. I want the
                 perfect food...

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   16.

          

          

                                   VOICE ON TV
                      Are you hungry?
               HAROLD and KUMAR turn their attention to the TV, where they
               see A WHITE CASTLE COMMERCIAL taking place. In the
               commercial, we see DOZENS OF TINY BURGERS lined up in a row.

                                   VOICE ON TV
                      Then come to White Castle and try our
                      Slyder Special-- six burgers, fries, and
                      a soft drink for only 2.99.
               HAROLD and KUMAR start salivating, as they see THE STEAM RISE

               FROM THE BURGERS ON THE T.V.

                                   VOICE ON TV
                      Imagine all those burgers in your stomach
                      right now. Mmmmmh....
               HAROLD and KUMAR move closer to the TV to smell the burgers.

                                   VOICE ON TV
                      Don't you like food that's tasty and
                      delicious?
               Almost in a trance, HAROLD and KUMAR nod agreeingly.

                                   VOICE ON TV
                      Then what are you waiting for? Head over
                      to White Castle. It's what you crave.
               The commercial ends. HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other--
               this is clearly an emotional moment for both of them.

          22   INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE APARTMENT - 7:45                        22
               HAROLD and KUMAR exit their apartment.

                                   HAROLD
                      You're sure you know how to get there?   I
                      haven't been to White Castle in ages.

                                   KUMAR
                      I'm telling you, there's one right around
                      the corner from that multiplex in New
                      Brunswick.
               They walk down the hallway, stopping at another apartment.
               On the side of the doorway is a MEZUZAH IN THE SHAPE OF A
               NAKED WOMAN. Harold and Kumar walk in without knocking...

          23   INT. ROSENBERG AND GOLDSTEIN'S APARTMENT                     23
               HAROLD and KUMAR walk into an apartment that looks almost
               identical to theirs. (Instead of a "BILLY MADISON" poster,
               there's one of "HAPPY GILMORE.")

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   17.

          

          
          Sitting on the couch is ROSENBERG (a seemingly "nice Jewish
          boy," wearing khakis and a sweater) and GOLDSTEIN (a more
          depraved Jewish boy, wearing a t-shirt with a picture of the
          OLSEN TWINS-- underneath the picture we see the words,
          "FINALLY LEGAL ON JUNE 13, 2004"). Both of them are taking
          bong hits (out of a shofar bong) while watching TV as Harold    
          and Kumar enter...

                              KUMAR
                 Rosenberg, Goldstein-- get up.    We're
                 going to White Castle.
          Rosenberg and Goldstein continue staring at the TV...

                              ROSENBERG
                 Wait-- we're watching The Gift on HBO.

                               KUMAR
                 No waiting.   We're starving...
          Out of the corner of Kumar's eye, he notices Harold grabbing
          a piece of beef jerky from Rosenberg & Goldstein's coffee
          table.

                              KUMAR
                        (scolding Harold)
                 ...Put that down! We're not eating `til
                 we get to White Castle.
          Harold acts like he's going to put the jerky back, but as
          soon, as Kumar turns his attention back to Rosenberg and
          Goldstein, he slips it his pocket.

                              KUMAR
                        (to Rosenberg and
                         Goldstein)
                 Now come on guys, let's go.

                              GOLDSTEIN
                 Sorry man! We're not going anywhere.
                 Supposedly, Katie Holmes shows her milk                  
                 paps in this movie!                                      

                              HAROLD
                 Is that all you Jews ever think about?
                 Tits?

                              ROSENBERG
                 We're talking about Katie Holmes here.
                 You would never think a sweet, innocent
                 girl like her would ever take her top
                 off. Which is precisely why we have to
                 watch her do it.

          

               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   17A.

          

          

                        GOLDSTEIN
          Dude, the things I'd eat out of her ass,
          you have no idea.
                 (beat)                                           
          Bacon, shellfish, milk with meat, you                   
          name it...                                              

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   18.

          

          

                                   ROSENBERG
                             (to Goldstein)
                      That's a very vulgar statement.

                                   GOLDSTEIN
                      So is "I want to pound Britney Spears in
                      the pussy." But it's true.

                                   ROSENBERG
                      Touch�.
                             (to Harold and Kumar)
                      Anyway, if you guys want to wait till the
                      movie's over...
               HAROLD and KUMAR have already shut the door.

          24   INT. BY THE ELEVATOR - 7:50 PM                               24
               HAROLD presses the "down" button. KUMAR notices that Harold
               has his LAPTOP BAG on his shoulder...

                                   KUMAR
                      What the hell are you bringing that for?
               Harold hands Kumar his keys.

                                   HAROLD
                      You're driving. I'm gonna try to get
                      some of my work done in the car.
               Kumar then checks his pockets and comes up empty.

                                   KUMAR
                      Shit, I forgot my cell phone.

                                   HAROLD
                      Why don't you just run back and get it?

                                   KUMAR
                             (thinks for a moment)
                      Nah, we've gone too far.
               Reveal that the guys are less than 20 feet from their door.
               "Bing!" The elevator door opens and the guys enter.

          25   INT. ELEVATOR                                                25
               As Harold and Kumar enter, we hear a DOOR SLAM behind them.
               They turn around and see MARIA locking her door. She hasn't
               noticed Harold and Kumar yet.

                                   KUMAR
                      Hey, there's your girlfriend. You
                      actually gonna talk to her this time?

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   19.

          

          
                Harold's answer becomes clear as he pushes the "door closed"
                button repeatedly. The door closes before Maria sees them.

                                    KUMAR
                       What the hell are you doing? That was a
                       perfect opportunity! You could have asked
                       her if she wanted to go to White Castle.
                Harold doesn't say anything.   He looks down in shame.

                                    KUMAR
                       You're worthless.

                                    HAROLD
                       I'm not worthwhile.

          26    INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (LOBBY)                             26
                Harold and Kumar exit the elevator...

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, it's only awkward because you're a
                       pussy. Just talk to her once and I
                       promise you it won't be weird anymore...

                                    HAROLD
                       It doesn't matter. The only girls
                       interested in me are girls I have no
                       interest in. Like Cindy Kim.

                                    KUMAR
                       Speaking of Cindy, she called earlier.
                       One of those 58 Asian clubs she's in is
                       throwing a party at her dorm tonight.

                                    HAROLD
                       God, she invites me to everything.

                                    KUMAR
                       So what? She's fucking cute.     Let her
                       touch your penis.
                They exit the front door of the building...

          26A   EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING                                    26A
                Harold and Kumar walk down the steps, where they see COLE and
                the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS doing lame skateboard tricks on the
                sidewalk near their jeep. They're about to get back in the
                jeep, when Cole sees Harold and Kumar walking near them.

                                    COLE
                       Hey look, it's the Brother's McFag!
                              (to Harold and Kumar)
                       Let me guess, the yellow one's the
                       catcher!

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   20.

          

          
               COLE AND THE PUNKS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. Harold is
               uncomfortable. Kumar just ignores them.

                                   COLE
                             (to the Punks)
                      Come on, guys! Let's get ourselves some
                      fucking Mountain Dew!

                                   EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                      Extreme!
               They take off, driving by Harold and Kumar.   Harold gives
               them a pissed off look as they drive away.

                                   HAROLD
                      Why do I have to be the catcher?

                                   KUMAR
                      Dude, forget about those pricks.    Let's
                      just go.
               They continue walking...

          27   OMIT                                                         27

          28   EXT. STREET                                                  28
               Harold and Kumar finally reach Harold's car...

                                    KUMAR
                             (getting frustrated)
                      Jesus, that took forever. You know the
                      purpose of a car is to avoid walking.
                             (beat)
                      And what kind of parking job is this?
                      You're like a mile away from the curb.

                                   HAROLD
                      Don't even start.

                                   KUMAR
                             (laughing)
                      Just fucking with you.   Now let's go out
                      and get those burgers.   I'm fucking
                      starving!
               They get in the car and slam the door. The engine starts and
               the car takes off, revealing that they were parked next to a

               MCDONALD'S.

          29   OMIT                                                         29

          30   OMIT                                                         30

          31   OMIT                                                         31

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   21.

          

          

          32   OMIT                                                         32

          33   OMIT                                                         33

          34   EXT. HIGHWAY - 8:30 PM                                       34
               We see Harold's Infiniti driving down the highway.

          35   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       35
               Harold is meticulously rolling a joint.

                                   KUMAR
                      Hey, Rold-- do you think C3PO is gay?

                                   HAROLD
                      Of course he's gay! You remember in the
                      first Star Wars when he was like...
                             (in a gay C3PO voice)
                      "Thank the maker! This oil bath is going
                      to feel soooo good!"
               Kumar laughs.

          36   EXT. HIGHWAY - 8:45PM                                        36
               Harold's Infiniti approaches a line of TOLL BOOTHS.

          37   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       37
               KUMAR pulls up to an EXACT CHANGE TOLL BOOTH.

                                   KUMAR
                      Dude, give me thirty-five cents.
               HAROLD sorts through some change in his hand and gives Kumar
               the money. KUMAR tosses the change into the basket and waits
               for the TOLL BOOTH STOPLIGHT to turn green. It doesn't.

                                    KUMAR
                      What's going on? It didn't register.
                             (beat)
                      Dude, give me thirty-five more cents.

                                   HAROLD
                      I don't have anymore change.

                                   KUMAR
                      Should I just go through?

                                    HAROLD
                      No.   I don't like breaking the law.
               Harold licks the joint as he puts the finishing touches on.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   22.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 I can see that.
          A CAR HONKS BEHIND THEM. Kumar turns around and sees a
          number of cars lining up behind them. Right behind them, A
          BIG BURLY GUY leans his head out of a car...

                                BIG BURLY GUY
                 Hey!    Move your ass!

                              KUMAR
                        (to Harold)
                 I'm going through.

                              HAROLD
                 Just hold on. I'll walk over to one of
                 the manned booths and tell them what
                 happened.
          The honking continues as HAROLD starts to open the door...

                              BIG BURLY GUY
                        (over the honking)
                 Move, you fucking twat!
          Kumar can't take it anymore. Just as Harold is about to get
          out of the car, Kumar hits the gas and screeches away.

                              HAROLD
                 Are you crazy?

          A LOUD ALARM GOES OFF BEHIND THEM...

                              HAROLD
                 Oh shit, we're dead!
          Harold throws the joint out the window.

                              KUMAR
                 What the fuck is wrong with you?!

                              HAROLD
                        (paranoid/looking back)
                 You just tore out of there! The cops are
                 gonna catch us!

                              KUMAR
                 No they're not!

                              HAROLD
                 Take this exit!

                               KUMAR
                 What?

          HAROLD GRABS THE WHEEL AND TURNS IT!

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   23.

          

          

          38   EXT. HIGHWAY                                                38
               We see Harold's Infiniti swerve onto the Newark EXIT...

          39   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI - 9:00 PM                            39
               HAROLD and KUMAR drive through the dangerous streets of
               Newark. They're very quiet, until Kumar breaks the silence.

                                   KUMAR
                      That was the last of our weed.

                                   HAROLD
                      Look, I get a little paranoid sometimes.

                                   KUMAR
                      Now we're in Newark of all places.    You
                      know we're gonna get shot.

                                   HAROLD
                      Maybe it's not as bad as they say.    It's
                      probably just a bunch of hype.
               They look out the window and see another ASIAN and INDIAN guy
               (Daniel and Shankar) walking down the street. Suddenly,
               THREE HOODS jump out from an alley and start beating the
               living shit out of Daniel and Shankar.
               Kumar gives Harold a dirty look.

                                   HAROLD
                      Let's get the hell out of here.
               KUMAR continues driving. He makes a turn. All of a sudden, he
               stops short, causing he and HAROLD to jerk forward quickly.

                                    HAROLD
                      What the...

          40   EXT. MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD                                40
               Directly in front of Harold's Infiniti, A BASKETBALL GAME IS

               GOING ON BETWEEN A BUNCH OF HUGE BLACK DUDES, RIGHT IN THE
               MIDDLE OF THE STREET! (There are hoops on both sides.)
               The BASKETBALL PLAYERS briefly look over at Harold's Infiniti
               before continuing their game.

          41   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                      41

                                   HAROLD
                      Dude, we are NOT driving through that
                      basketball game!

          

                          DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   24.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 We have to if we want to get out of here.
          Kumar points to a sign indicating that the HIGHWAY is ahead.

                              HAROLD
                 Forget about it. No way.

                              KUMAR
                 Come on. How do you know they're not
                 peaceful Gregory Hines-like black guys?
          With that, the HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN OF ALL TIME ROARS AS
          HE COMPLETES A MONSTER DUNK. In celebration, he violently
          bumps chests with his teammates.

                              HAROLD
                 Turn the car around.

                              KUMAR
                 Why? Are cars not allowed to go through
                 when a game's going on? When we were
                 kids, we used to move to the side when we
                 were playing in the street.
          The HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN stares HAROLD and KUMAR down.

                              HAROLD
                 For some reason, I don't think this is
                 the same thing.

                              KUMAR
                 I'm going through.
          KUMAR begins inching forward.

                                HAROLD
                 Don't!
          The BASKETBALL PLAYERS slowly begin moving aside.

                                KUMAR
                 Look.    They're moving.   I told you.
          Even though the Players are making way for Harold and Kumar,
          they're still no more than a foot or two from the car at all
          times. Harold is scared shitless. He then notices the
          HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN holding the basketball.

                              HAROLD
                 Shit, he's gonna throw the ball at us.

                              KUMAR
                 How do you know?

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   25.

          

          

                                     HAROLD
                      Look at him!
               The HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN has an ESPECIALLY ANGRY FACE.

                                     KUMAR
                      Oh fuck.
               KUMAR puts the pedal to the metal and ZOOMS AWAY FROM THEM.

          42   EXT. MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD                                  42
               The BASKETBALL PLAYERS watch the car speed away. AFTER A

               COUPLE SECONDS, THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND START

               LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY! A RANDOM BASKETBALL PLAYER TURNS TO

               THE HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN...

                                   RANDOM BASKETBALL PLAYER
                      Man, you scared the shit out of them!
                      Make that face again!

                                   HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
                      Okay, okay, okay...
               THE HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN suppresses his laughter and
               tries to make the face. He bursts out laughing again.

                                    HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
                      Shit.   I can't do it.
               His friends laugh harder.      He tries to regain his composure.

                                    HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK MAN
                      Hold up.   Hold up...
               He manages to make his angriest face for two seconds, before
               bursting out laughing again.

          43   EXT. HIGHWAY - 9:45 PM                                        43
               We see Harold's Infiniti back on the highway, driving fast...

                                   HAROLD
                      That was close, dude.

          44   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                        44
               KUMAR sees a HIGHWAY SIGN-- "NEW BRUNSWICK-- NEXT EXIT."

                                   KUMAR
                      Rold, check it out!      We're almost there!

                                     HAROLD
                      Yes!    Thank God! I'm starving!

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   26.

          

          

                                   KUMAR
                      Well, prepare to gorge yourself.

          45   EXT. NEW BRUNSWICK EXIT                                     45
               We see Harold's Infiniti take the exit...

          46   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET (NEW BRUNSWICK) - 9:55 PM              46
               Harold's Infiniti drives down a street, loaded with mini-
               malls and fast food joints...

          47   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                      47
               HAROLD and KUMAR are looking for the White Castle...

                                   HAROLD
                      Oh man, I'm so hungry. I'm gonna eat like
                      twenty of those burgers.

                                   KUMAR
                      I'll see your twenty and raise you five
                      orders of fries.

                                   HAROLD
                      God, where the hell is this place?

                                   KUMAR
                      Don't worry, we'll find it.
               HAROLD sees a HIGH SCHOOL up ahead...

                                   HAROLD
                      There's the multiplex!

                                   KUMAR
                      That means the White Castle should be
                      just around the corner...

               HAROLD AND KUMAR'S MOUTHS DROP! INSTEAD OF WHITE CASTLE,

               THEY SEE A BURGER SHACK. THEY'RE IN TOTAL SHOCK.

                                   HAROLD
                      What the hell's going on, Kumar?! That
                      doesn't look like a White Castle to me!

                                   KUMAR
                      We gotta get to the bottom of this!

          48   EXT. BURGER SHACK DRIVE THRU - 10:00 PM                     48
               KUMAR drives right up to the PICK UP WINDOW, where we see a
               chubby BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE...

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   27.

          

          

                              BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 I'm sorry. You have to order at the
                 drive thru menu...

                              KUMAR
                 What happened to the White Castle?

                               BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 Excuse me?

                              KUMAR
                 There used to be a White Castle right in
                 this spot. Where is it?

                              BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                        (remembering)
                 Oh yeah. There was a White Castle here.
                 Look guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad
                 news, but Burger Shack bought this
                 location four years ago.
          HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other, devastated.

                              KUMAR
                 Please tell me there's another White
                 Castle in town.

                               BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 Nope.

                              HAROLD
                 Are you sure?

                              BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 Do I look like the type of guy who would
                 be unsure about something like this?
          HAROLD and KUMAR are freaking out.

                               KUMAR
                 Shit.   What are we gonna do?

                              HAROLD
                 I don't know. Should we just eat here?

                              KUMAR
                 Do you really think that'll satisfy us?
          The BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE senses their desperation.

                              BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 There's a 24 hour White Castle in Cherry
                 Hill, about forty-five minutes away.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   28.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                        (to Harold)
                 I can make the trip if you're willing to.

                              HAROLD
                 Kumar, I have a shitload of work to
                 finish. And you have that med school
                 interview in the morning.

                              KUMAR
                 Forget about the med school interview.
                 It's a non-issue.

                               BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                 If I may interject for a moment...
                        (beat)
                 I've been an employee here for three
                 years now, and if there's one thing I've
                 learned, it's that when you're craving
                 White Castle, the burgers here simply
                 won't cut it.
                        (in his own little world)
                 In fact, just thinking about those tender
                 little White Castle burgers and those
                 grilled onions makes me want to burn this
                 place to the ground and re-build a White
                 Castle in its place.
                        (back to reality)
                 If I were you, I'd suck it up and make
                 the trip.
          KUMAR looks at HAROLD. The guy makes a convincing case.
          HAROLD is clearly torn. We sense that this is an important
          moment for the guys...

                              KUMAR
                        (enticing Harold)
                 You can always do your work in the car.
          HAROLD thinks for a moment, then licks his lips.

                                HAROLD
                 Let's do it.

                              KUMAR
                 Then it's settled. No matter what, we're
                 not ending this night without White
                 Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
          KUMAR puts his hand out.   HAROLD shakes it.

                                HAROLD
                 Agreed.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   29.

          

          

                                   BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                      Wise choice. Besides, you wouldn't want
                      to go near our special sauce tonight.
                      Some of the guys and I added an extra
                      ingredient, if you know what I mean.
               HAROLD and KUMAR look confused.

                                   BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                      I'll give you a hint...
                             (whispering)
                      It's semen.
               We hear Harold and Kumar scream in disgust as Harold's
               Infiniti zooms out of the drive thru...

          49   EXT. HIGHWAY - 10:30 PM                                      49
               Harold's Infiniti is back on the highway...

          50   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       50
               KUMAR is driving with determination in his eyes.

                                   KUMAR
                      White Castle, here we come. I just wish
                      we had some more pot. I'm almost
                      completely sober right now.
               HAROLD ignores this. He's TYPING FEVERISHLY ON HIS LAPTOP--
               trying to get his work done. Meanwhile, Kumar notices a sign
               on for the PRINCETON EXIT.

                                   KUMAR
                      Nice. Princeton. We're getting off here.
               Kumar takes the exit.

                                     HAROLD
                      Why?

                                   KUMAR
                      We're gonna sweet talk Cindy Kim into
                      finding us some weed.

                                     HAROLD
                      Oh no.    I'm not seeing Cindy.

                                   KUMAR
                      Why the fuck not? You talk to her on the
                      phone all the time.

                                   HAROLD
                      She calls me. Then she rambles on about
                      her East Asian Students club or whatever.

                                   (MORE)

          

                            DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003     30.
                                   HAROLD (cont'd)
                      And I have to pretend like I actually
                      give a shit, or she'll call me a twinkie.

                                    KUMAR
                      A twinkie?

                                   HAROLD
                      You know, yellow on the outside, white on
                      the inside.

                                   KUMAR
                      Look you twinkie bitch, you threw our
                      weed out the window, so now it's your
                      duty to make sure we're high as shit by
                      the time we're eating those burgers.

                                   HAROLD
                      Well, I can't help you out there. Cindy
                      doesn't smoke. She's not gonna help us.

                                   KUMAR
                      As long as she buzzes us into a dorm,
                      we're set. Give me ten minutes in there
                      and I guarantee I'll find some hizzy.

                                   HAROLD
                      No, forget it. I'm not seeing Cindy Kim.

          51   INT. CINDY KIM'S DORM ROOM - 11:OO PM                        51
               HAROLD is sitting on a bed, next to CINDY KIM (very cute,
               prim and proper, Korean girl). Sitting on the floor are A
               DOZEN ASIAN STUDENTS-- pure stereotypes (glasses, nerdy
               clothes, etc). Harold is kind of creeped out by them.

                                   CINDY
                      I'm so glad you showed up, Harold!

                                  HAROLD
                            (unenthusiastic)
                      Yeah. Me too.

                                   CINDY
                      Did you like the Hibiscus petals I glued
                      to the envelope I sent you?

                                     HAROLD
                      Uh, yeah.    They were...nice.
               Suddenly, one of the nerdy Asian students (KENNETH) raises
               his hand. HAROLD looks at him strangely, and then over to
               Cindy. "Does this guy think I'm a teacher or something?"
               Harold sits there and stares at Kenneth for a while...

                                   HAROLD
                             (to Kenneth)
                      Uh, yes?

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   31.

          

          

                              KENNETH
                 Kenneth Park. Class of 2004. Is it true
                 you're an analyst at Brewster Keegan?

                              HAROLD
                 Yeah, I'm a junior analyst.

                               KENNETH
                 Awesome!
          KENNETH high-fives with the nerdy Asian student next to him.
          He then raises his hand again. HAROLD rolls his eyes...

                               HAROLD
                 Yes?

                              KENNETH
                 Uh, this is actually a two-part question.
                 I'm applying for a summer internship at
                 Brewster Keegan, and I was wondering a)
                 what it's like being an investment banker
                 and b) if you would write me a
                 recommendation.

                              HAROLD
                 What it's like being an investment
                 banker? Well Kenneth, to be honest, it's
                 pretty...
          HAROLD looks into the eyes of the young, eager, Asian
          students. He can't bear to tell them the truth...

                               HAROLD
                 ...awesome?
          All the Asian students start high-fiving with each other.

                              HAROLD
                 As for the recommendation, I may be able
                 to make a call or two...
          CINDY looks at her watch...

                              CINDY
                 Actually Harold, we should be getting to
                 the party. We can discuss all this stuff
                 there. It's just down the hall.
          All the Asian students get up...

                              HAROLD
                 Sorry, Cindy. I can't go. I have to wait
                 for Kumar...

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   32.

          

          

                                    CINDY
                       You'll see him when we're done. Trust me,
                       you're gonna love this. Kenny's mom
                       dropped off a big jar of kimchi jigae.
                Kenneth looks proud of himself.

                                     HAROLD
                       Nice.
                CINDY grabs HAROLD's hand and drags him away.

          52    INT. DORM HALLWAY - 11:15 PM                                 52
                KUMAR is standing in the hallway, accosting random students.
                He sees one RANDOM STUDENT walk by...

                                    KUMAR
                       Hey! You know where I can get some
                       chronic?
                The RANDOM STUDENT doesn't respond. Kumar is frustrated...

                                    KUMAR
                       What kind of Ivy League school is this?

          52A   EXT. PRINCETON DORM - 11:16 PM                             52A
                Kumar exits the dorm, and walks throughout the quad, asking
                random students for drugs. Eventually, a HIPPIE-LOOKING
                STUDENT (Phish t-shirt, Birkenstocks) taps KUMAR on the back.

                                    HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                       Heeey, Man. Lookin' to toke up?
                KUMAR breathes a sigh of relief...

                                    KUMAR
                       Thank Christ! Look, just give me a dime
                       of your finest herb.
                The Hippie Asshole opens his backpack. Inside, Kumar sees A
                GIANT PLASTIC BAG FILLED WITH WEED. He's awestruck...

                                    KUMAR
                       Oh my dear sweet lord...
                Kumar reaches for the weed, but the Hippie Asshole knocks his
                hand away...

                                     HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                       Yo, man!   Not cool! This is my baby,
                       man!

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003     33.

          

          
          Hippie Asshole sizes Kumar up and then gives Kumar him a
          measly dime bag...

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                 That'll be eighty bucks.

                              KUMAR
                 Eighty bucks?! It's worth forty tops,
                 bro!
          The Hippie Asshole grabs the baggy back from Kumar.

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                 I'm not your bro...bro. And if you feel
                 like staying sober, go ahead, don't buy
                 it. That's cool with me. I can find lots
                 of people who want to get high. I can
                 smoke it myself, man.

                              KUMAR
                 Jesus, what the hell kind of hippie are
                 you?

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                 One who understands the concept of supply
                 and demand, dude.
          Kumar and the Hippie Asshole stare each other down. After a
          couple seconds, Kumar shakes his head, pissed off. He takes
          out his wallet and hands all his cash to the Hippie Asshole.

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                        (laughing like a prick)
                 Dumbass.
          Suddenly, CHRISTY and CLARISSA (TWO GORGEOUS TWINS, BLONDE,
          BLUE EYES, BIG BREASTS, BRITISH ACCENTS) approach carrying
          take-out bags. They see KUMAR and the Hippie Asshole making
          their deal.

                              CHRISTY
                 Hey, you guys about to smoke?
          KUMAR and HIPPIE ASSHOLE turn and see THE TWINS.   They're
          both floored by their hotness.

                             HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                       (to the Twins)
                 Yeah. Wanna come back to my place?

                              KUMAR
                 Please. Like they want to go listen to a
                 bunch of Phish records while you read
                 your lame ass poetry.

                              (MORE)

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003    34.
                                     KUMAR (cont'd)
                               (to the Twins, showing his
                                bag of weed)
                        Ladies? Wanna get high and have some fun?
                CHRISTY and CLARISSA look at each other. They like this dude.

                           CHRISTY                           CLARISSA
                Sure!                           Sure!

                                     HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                               (butting in)
                        Hey, my poetry isn't lame! It's actually
                        quite good.
                The girls clearly aren't convinced. The ignore him and turn
                to Kumar. Hippie Asshole is oblivious to the fact he's not
                part of the crowd.

                                     CHRISTY
                               (re: bag of food)
                        We're just gonna eat before this gets
                        cold. What do you say we meet you back
                        in our room in twenty minutes?

                                     CLARISSA
                        We're in room 109.

                                      KUMAR
                        109.   Got it. I'll see you later.

                                     HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                        Yeah, see you there.
                THE TWINS walk away. Kumar's excited. Hippie Asshole tries
                to pound fists with Kumar like they're all of a sudden
                friends. Kumar snubs him and runs off.

                                     HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                        Not cool, man.

          52B   INT. DORM HALLWAY                                        52B
                Kumar runs down the hall and finds HAROLD walking with CINDY
                and the ASIAN STUDENTS. He runs over to them...

                                     KUMAR
                        Rold! Rold! You gotta come quick!
                        There are these two filthy pussies who
                        are just aching to get boned by us.
                KUMAR notices that CINDY is appalled by his choice of words.

                                     KUMAR
                        Uh...I mean...there are two very lovely,
                        young pussies who would like to have a
                        chat with you and I.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   35.

          

          

                                     CINDY
                      Sorry.    Harold's coming with us.

                                   KUMAR
                      That's bullshit. He's coming with me.
                      Isn't that right, Rold?
               CINDY gives HAROLD an evil eye-- he's intimidated by her.

                                   HAROLD
                             (to Kumar)
                      Let's go to the party for a little while.

                                     KUMAR
                      Fuck that!
               KUMAR notices an open dorm room nearby. He enters the room,
               and returns a few moments later dragging an ASIAN FRESHMAN in
               his pajamas. He pushes the Asian Freshman over to Cindy...

                                   KUMAR
                      Here-- this is Harold's understudy.     You
                      can do whatever you want with him.
                             (to Harold)
                      Let's go.
               KUMAR grabs HAROLD by the arm and drags him away. CINDY
               looks pissed as she watches HAROLD being taken away from her.

          53   INT. DORM HALLWAY (DIFFERENT WING) - 11:30 PM                53
               KUMAR takes the first puff of a joint.

                                   KUMAR
                      I can't believe you were gonna ditch me
                      for the Joy Luck Club. You know what
                      their parties are like.

                                   HAROLD
                      Look, what do you want me to say?     I was
                      under pressure.

                                   KUMAR
                      Just say "no"! That's all it takes.      Now
                      take a hit of this.
               Kumar hands Harold the joint...suddenly, a nearby door opens
               and a SECURITY GUARD enters the hall. He sees HAROLD and
               KUMAR with drugs.

                                   SECURITY GUARD
                      Hey, what are you two doing?!
               HAROLD and KUMAR start running down the hallway.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003     36.

          

          

                                   SECURITY GUARD
                      Hey, get back here!
               HAROLD and KUMAR duck around the corner.     They see a door to
               the WOMEN'S BATHROOM.

                                     KUMAR
                      Quick.    In here.
               The guys rush into the WOMEN'S BATHROOM.

          54   INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM                                          54
               HAROLD and KUMAR try to decide where to hide.

                                     HAROLD
                      Shit!    What if he finds us?

                                   KUMAR
                      Dude, chill out. He's not gonna look for
                      us in the women's bathroom.
               Harold and Kumar hear TWO FEMALE VOICES outside the bathroom.

                                     KUMAR
                      Shit!    Get in that stall!
               There's a line of THREE BATHROOM STALLS on one wall. HAROLD
               RUNS INTO STALL NUMBER TWO (the middle one). KUMAR sees the
               BATHROOM DOOR START TO OPEN. He also runs into STALL NUMBER
               TWO and shuts the door behind him.
               The guys struggle to STAND ON THE TOILET BOWL.    Harold's
               laptop bag keeps smacking Kumar.
               CHRISTY and CLARISSA (THE TWINS) enter the bathroom.       They're
               in mid-conversation.

                                   CHRISTY
                      Hurry up, I want to go smoke pot with
                      that cute Indian bloke.

               INTERCUT:
               IN STALL NUMBER TWO, KUMAR'S ears perk up, as we see HAROLD
               and KUMAR both standing on the toilet bowl. From Kumar's POV,
               he sees CHRISTY and CLARISSA through the crack of the door.

                                   CLARISSA
                      It'll be a few minutes, I'm about to have
                      the worst case of the taco shits.
               KUMAR is clearly upset to hear this.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES      MAY 28 2003   37.

          

          

                              HAROLD
                        (whispering)
                 Ew...gross.
          CLARISSA runs into STALL NUMBER ONE and shuts the door.
          The sound of the door shutting causes HAROLD and KUMAR to
          look over at that stall.

                               CHRISTY
                 Oh great.   Now I think I have to go.
          CHRISTY enters STALL NUMBER THREE and shuts the door.
          The sound of the door shutting causes HAROLD and KUMAR to
          turn their attention to the other stall. They then look at
          each other grossed out.
          From above, we see HAROLD and KUMAR struggling, while the
          girls have taken their places in the surrounding stalls.

          WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF DIARRHEA HITTING THE BOWL.

                                CLARISSA
                 Ahhhhh!
          HAROLD and KUMAR look horrified.      There is silence for a few
          seconds until....

                              CHRISTY
                 Hey Clarissa. Do you wanna play battle
                 shits?
          We see HAROLD quizzically mouth "battle shits?"

                              CLARISSA
                 Oh my God. We haven't played that since
                 back in camp!
          HAROLD and KUMAR look confused.

          WE HEAR A LOUD FARTING NOISE, THEN THE SOUND OF SHIT HITTING

          THE WATER...

                                CHRISTY
                 Wait for it.    Wait for it.    Ahhhhh!

                                CLARISSA
                 Hit!
          HAROLD and Kumar look terrified.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   38.

          

          

          55   EXT. DORM COMMON ROOM                                        55
               Meanwhile, CINDY has left the other students and is roaming
               the hallways, looking for Harold. She sees Hippie Asshole
               walking by, counting Kumar's money...

                                   CINDY
                      Have you seen a Korean guy around here?

                                   HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                      Uh, yeah. There's like, two hundred of
                      them in this dorm.
                             (to himself, but audible)
                      `Tard.
               Cindy can't help but feel a little stupid.

          56   INT. WOMEN'S BATHROOM                                        56
               We hear the sound of diarrhea splattering against the bowl.

                                    CLARISSA
                      Hit!
               We see HAROLD dry heave.
               We hear the sound of diarrhea hitting the bowl again.
               CLARISSA smiles.

                                   CHRISTY
                      You sank my destroyer! Scag!
               KUMAR almost pukes as HE DROPS THE POT INTO THE TOILET BOWL.

                                    HAROLD
                              (whispering)
                      Shit!

               THEY SEE THE MARIJUANA UNPROTECTED FLOATING IN THE TOILET.

               WE THEN HEAR THE MOST DISGUSTING DIARRHEA SOUND YET.

                                   HAROLD

                      I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
               With that, HAROLD runs out of the stall and exits the
               bathroom. The girls look shocked.

                                   CHRISTY
                      Who was that?
               KUMAR looks nervous. He quickly bolts from the bathroom.

                                   CLARISSA
                      Christy, are you still here?

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   39.

          

          
                Silence until...We hear a SUPER LOUD FART.    CHRISTY starts
                laughing.

                                     CLARISSA
                       Damn!   You sank my battle shit!

          57    EXT. HALLWAY                                                   57
                Harold and Kumar run down the dorm hallway, grossed out.    As
                they run, they suddenly see--

          57A   INT. COMMON ROOM                                            57A
                Harold and Kumar stop in their tracks when they see the EAST
                ASIAN STUDENTS ASSOCIATION party in full blast. All the
                "nerdy" asian kids from Cindy's room are grinding with each
                other as KENNETH RAPS A FILTHY RAP.
                Harold and Kumar look at each other in shock. Some of the
                dancing Asian chicks look pretty hot. Kenneth jumps off the
                couch he was standing on, holding a big bag of POT BROWNIES.

                                    KENNETH
                       Pot brownies for everyone!
                Kenneth throws some pot brownies in the air. People grab at
                them. Harold and Kumar can't believe it.
                Two Cute Asian Chicks approach Kenneth...

                                     CUTE ASIAN CHICK #1
                       Hey, K-dog!   Can we have some brownies?

                                    KENNETH
                       To tell you the truth, I'm running low.
                       But a quick titty flash may persuade me.
                The Korean chicks look at each other. "Should we?" "Okay!"
                They lift up their shirts and bras, revealing their boobs.

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, I'm starting to think you made a
                       mistake by not going to this party...
                Harold gives him a dirty look. Then, suddenly, the SECURITY
                GUARD from before appears in the hallway with ANOTHER

                SECURITY GUARD (#2)--

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                       Hey, you!
                The guys turn and see the guards running at them. HAROLD AND

                KUMAR RUN AS FAST AS THEY CAN DOWN THE HALLWAY, WITH THE

                GUARDS CHASING AFTER THEM...

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   40.

          

          
               Further down the hall, they pass the party. The partygoers
               watch as the guys run by, except for Kenneth, who makes a
               quick grab at one of the topless girl's boobs. When she
               notices, Kenneth quickly looks away, as if he did nothing.
               Cindy Kim notices Harold...

                                     CINDY KIM
                      Harold!
               They keep running, past the bathrooms, where Christy and
               Clarissa exit...

                                     CHRISTY AND CLARISSA
                      Kumar!
               They continue running.
               The guards are still running after Harold and Kumar, who see
               the EXIT DOORS just ahead. Suddenly, the Hippie Asshole
               walks by, blocking their path.

                                   HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                             (to himself)
                      Where the hell is 109, man?
               Harold is about to avoid him, but Kumar grabs Harold close
               and the two of them BASH INTO THE Hippie Asshole-- KNOCKING

               HIM ON HIS ASS.
               Harold and Kumar burst out the doors and EXIT THE DORM...
               The Security Guards run by the Hippie Asshole, but stop when
               they see his backpack, which is half-open, and is exposing
               THE GIANT BAG OF WEED. The Security Guard picks it up...

                                   SECURITY GUARD
                      Well, well, well. What have we here?

                                   HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                             (reaching for the bag)
                      Aw, dude! Don't take it! It's mine!
               He continues to protest as SECURITY GUARD #2 holds him down.

          58   EXT. DARK ROAD (PRINCETON) -11:45 PM                         58
               Harold's car races down a road in the middle of a FOREST.

          59   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       59
               KUMAR is pissed off as he drives.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   41.

          

          

                                   KUMAR
                             (using his fingers)
                      I can't believe it. We were this close
                      to getting high and getting laid.

                                   HAROLD
                      Oh, come on, you always exaggerate.    We
                      weren't gonna get laid.

                                   KUMAR
                      Hey, the diarrhea twins would've had sex
                      with us! And what about Cindy?! She was
                      looking hot tonight! The fact that you're
                      not into her just might make you gay!

                                   HAROLD
                      I know Cindy's cute, it's just...

                                    KUMAR
                      What?   You'd rather have Maria?
               From Harold's reaction, it's clear he hit it on the head.

                                   HAROLD
                      Look, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna end
                      up with Cindy anyway. It's just more
                      practical. Now can we drop this and get
                      our asses to White Castle?

                                    KUMAR
                      Fine.
               Suddenly, KUMAR pulls the car over to the side of the road...

                                   HAROLD
                      Now what are you doing?

                                   KUMAR
                      Daddy needs to urinate.
               Harold rolls his eyes.

          60   EXT. WOODS NEAR ROAD - 11:50 PM                              60
               KUMAR gets out of the car (leaving the car door open). He
               walks onto the grass near the road for about fifteen yards
               until HE FINDS A NICE BUSH. HE UNZIPS HIS PANTS AND STARTS

               PEEING ON THE BUSH..

                                    KUMAR
                      Oh yes!   Yes, that's nice.

          61   INT. CAR                                                     61

               HAROLD TAKES OUT HIS LAPTOP AND BEGINS WORKING FEVERISHLY.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   42.

          

          
               As he types, A RACCOON JUMPS INTO THE CAR AND CRAWLS INTO THE
               BACK SEAT. HAROLD doesn't see this.

          62   EXT. BUSH NEAR DARK ROAD                                     62
               KUMAR is still peeing. Suddenly, A CREEPY GUY (FROM OUT OF
               NOWHERE) walks over to him. The Creepy Guy unzips his pants
               and starts urinating IN THE SAME BUSH, RIGHT NEXT TO KUMAR!
               Kumar looks at the Creepy Guy -- totally confused. The
               Creepy Guy simply goes about his business. It's clear that
               Kumar wants to say something. He remains silent for a couple
               seconds, until he can't take it anymore...

                                   KUMAR
                      Excuse me...I'm sorry, I just have to ask
                      you...why are you peeing here?

                                   CREEPY GUY
                      What do you mean?

                                   KUMAR
                      Why did you decide to piss here right
                      next to me? Why not that bush over there?

                                   CREEPY GUY
                      Well, this looked like a good bush to pee
                      on. Why'd you choose this bush?

                                   KUMAR
                      Nobody was here when I chose this bush.

                                   CREEPY GUY
                             (getting heated)
                      So you can pee here and nobody else can,
                      is that it?

                                   KUMAR
                      I was just saying....

                                   CREEPY GUY
                      Is this like your special bush or
                      something?

                                    KUMAR
                      No, I just...
                             (beat)
                      You know what? Forget about it. I'm not
                      in the mood to get stabbed right now.
               The CREEPY GUY calms down. He and KUMAR silently urinate
               next to each other for about TEN SECONDS, until the Creepy
               Guy subtly looks at Kumar's package.

                                    CREEPY GUY
                      Nice pubes.

          

                                DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   43.

          

          

                                      KUMAR
                      Thanks.

          63   INT. CAR - 11:55 PM                                             63
               KUMAR gets into the car and shuts the door.     He hits the gas
               and continues driving down the dark road...

                                   HAROLD
                      Do you even know where you're going?

                                   KUMAR
                      I'll be honest, I'm a little lost. But
                      don't worry. Once we get on the highway,
                      we'll be there soon.

                                      HAROLD
                      We better.                                                     
               It starts to rain...                                                  

                                   HAROLD                                            
                      Shit, now it's raining.                                        

                                   KUMAR                                             
                      What's the big deal?                                           

                                   HAROLD                                            
                      Look, I'm completely on edge right now,                        
                      okay? After all the shit we've been                            
                      through tonight, I don't know how much
                      more of this I can take.

               AT THAT MOMENT, THE RACCOON JUMPS OUT FROM UNDER HAROLD'S

               SEAT, CRAWLS OVER THE LAPTOP, ONTO HIS CHEST, AND STARTS

               BITING HIS NECK...

                                      HAROLD

                      AHHHHH!!!     FUCK!!!!
               KUMAR turns and sees the raccoon on Harold.

                                      KUMAR
                      Holy shit!
               HAROLD tries to pry the raccoon away from his neck.     KUMAR
               tries to help him.

          64   EXT. DIRT ROAD                                                  64
               We see Harold's Infiniti SWERVING BACK AND FORTH.

          

                           DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   43A.

          

          

          65   INT. CAR                                                  65
               HAROLD FINALLY GETS THE RACCOON OFF OF HIM. He holds it as
               far away from his face as possible. The raccoon's arms and
               legs are scurrying around-- trying to escape.

                                   KUMAR
                      How the hell did that get in here?

                                   HAROLD
                      Shit! It bit my neck! I probably have
                      rabies now or something!

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003     44.

          

          

                                 KUMAR
                           (looking at Harold's neck)
                    Don't worry. He didn't even break your
                    skin. You'll be fine.

          SUDDENLY, THE RACCOON COUGHS UP BLOOD ONTO HAROLD'S SHIRT.

                                 HAROLD
                    Oh, that's not good!

          HAROLD TURNS THE RACCOON AWAY FROM HIM.          THE RACCOON COUGHS

          UP BLOOD ONTO KUMAR.

                                 KUMAR
                    Ahh! Dude, get that fucking cancer
                    raccoon away from me!!!

          KUMAR SWERVES THE CAR IN A PANIC, AS HAROLD OPENS HIS WINDOW.

          KUMAR WATCHES AS HAROLD CHUCKS THE RACCOON OUT THE WINDOW.

                                 KUMAR
                    Thank Christ!
          Kumar looks back onto the road, where HE SEES A PAIR OF

          HEADLIGHTS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR HIM!

                        HAROLD                                KUMAR
          Shit!!!                                Shit!!!
          KUMAR quickly hits the brakes, as does the other car. HAROLD
          and KUMAR look at each other, breathing heavily. They watch
          nervously as the other DRIVER exits his car and begins
          walking over to them.

                                   HAROLD
                    Uh-oh.
          KUMAR rolls down his window.         The DRIVER peers inside...

                                 GOLDSTEIN
                    What the hell do you think you were
                    doing? You almost killed us!
          GOLDSTEIN sees that it's HAROLD and KUMAR.

                                   GOLDSTEIN
                    Holy Shit!

                                   KUMAR
                    Goldstein?
          HAROLD breathes a sigh of relief.

                                 GOLDSTEIN
                           (to his car)
                    Dude, it's Rold and Kumar!

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    45.

          

          
               Rosenberg gets out of the car and walks over.     HAROLD and
               KUMAR get out of their car.

          66   EXT. ROAD - 12:00 AM                                           66
               The four of them stand in the middle of the road.

                                   KUMAR
                      What the hell are you guys doing here?

                                   ROSENBERG
                      We got the munchies, so we're out trying
                      to find a Hot Dog Heaven.                                     

                                   ROSENBERG
                      What about you guys? How was White
                      Castle?

                                   HAROLD
                             (feeling his neck)
                      We haven't gotten there yet.   I think I
                      got rabies, though.

                                   KUMAR
                             (to Goldstein/ignoring
                              Harold)
                      Dude-- how were Katie Holmes' tits?

                                   GOLDSTEIN
                      You know the holocaust?

                                      KUMAR
                      Yeah.

                                   GOLDSTEIN
                      Picture the exact opposite of that.

                                      KUMAR
                      Nice.

                                   ROSENBERG                                        
                      Apologize to Hashem.                                          

                                   GOLDSTEIN                                        
                      Who the hell is...                                            

                                   ROSENBERG                                        
                      Just apologize!                                               

                                   GOLDSTEIN                                        
                      Okay, I'm sorry.                                              

                                   ROSENBERG                                        
                             (to Goldstein)                                         
                      You really need to meet a girl.                               

          

               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   45A.

          

          

                       KUMAR
                 (to Goldstein)
          Well, if you have the yellow fever
          tonight, there's a rocking Asian party
          over at Princeton tonight.

                       GOLDSTEIN
          Man, I have the yellow plague. There's
          nothing sexier than a hot Asian
          chick...or dude for that matter...

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   46.

          

          
               Goldstein starts moving towards Harold, and reaches out to
               grab his cock. Harold quickly backs away...

                                   GOLDSTEIN                                      
                             (reaching for cock)                                  
                      Come on, let me suck it...let me see it                     
                      and suck on it...come on, Rold, let's rub                   
                      our dicks together...Jewish swordfight...                   
               Harold backs away as the other three laugh...                      

                                   HAROLD
                      Will you stop it? I'm feeling very
                      woozy. I may have to go to the hospital.

                                   KUMAR
                      Dude, you don't have rabies! We're not
                      going to the hospital.

                                   GOLDSTEIN
                             (to Rosenberg)
                      Yo, we gotta hit this Asian party.

                                   ROSENBERG
                      Oh no! No more detours! Let's just stick
                      with the plan and get to Krispee Kreme.
                             (to Harold and Kumar)
                      You guys wouldn't believe some of the
                      weird shit we've been through the last
                      couple hours.
               Harold and Kumar look at each other-- "if they only knew..."

          67   OMIT                                                         67

          68   OMIT                                                         68

          69   OMIT                                                         69

          70   OMIT                                                         70

          71   OMIT                                                         71

          72   OMIT                                                         72

          73   EXT. HOSPITAL - 12:20 AM                                     73
               Establishing.

          74   INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM                                   74
               Kumar is sitting in the waiting room. He hides his head in a
               jittery manner, as if he's hiding from someone. Next to him
               are DANIEL and SHANKAR, who are both badly beaten and nursing
               their wounds. They all make eye contact. It's weird.

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   46A.

          

          
          Harold enters the room with a band-aid on his neck...

                              HAROLD
                 I don't have rabies.
          Kumar stands up quickly.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    47.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 Great, let's get out of here.
          Just as Harold and Kumar walk down the hallway to the EXIT...

                               MAN WITH THICK INDIAN ACCENT (O.S.)
                 Kumar!!!
          Kumar know that voice all too well...

                               KUMAR
                 Shit.

          
          KUMAR turns around and sees HIS FATHER standing next to HIS
          BROTHER SAIKAT (a nerdy-looking Indian guy with glasses, five
          years older than Kumar). Both are in doctor attire.

                              HAROLD
                 Oh, now I see why you didn't want to come
                 to the hospital.
          Kumar gives Harold an annoyed look as his dad approaches.

                              KUMAR'S FATHER
                        (thick accent)
                 I hope you are here to apologize for what
                 you did in your interview today. Dr.
                 Woodruff is a very good friend of mine,
                 and let's just say he was not at all
                 amused by your antics...and neither am I.

                              SAIKAT
                        (no accent)
                 What the hell's wrong with you, Kumar?
                 Look at me. I own my own house. I drive a
                 beamer. And I get laid whenever I want.
                 You can have all that too, if you'd just
                 get off your ass and go to med school.

                              KUMAR
                 Eat my balls, Saikat.

                              SAIKAT
                 God, you're 22 years old already! When
                 are you gonna grow up and stop with this
                 post-college rebel bullshit? Like your
                 life is so tough.
          Kumar doesn't have a response.   Saikat's right.

                              KUMAR'S FATHER
                 I will not tolerate this business from
                 you any longer. You have one more
                 interview tomorrow and it is the last one
                 I'm setting up for you.

                              (MORE)

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003      48.
                              KUMAR'S FATHER (cont'd)
                 If I hear from Dr. Wein that you were
                 anything short of spectacular, I'll
                 completely cut you off!

                              KUMAR
                 Oh, come on, dad!

                              KUMAR'S FATHER
                 "Daddy will not be coming on anything!"
                 You will be there and you will behave!
                 I've put too much time and effort into
                 you to let you go and fuck it all up.
          KUMAR lowers his head.   He's been put in his place.

                              KUMAR
                 You're right. I'm sorry.
          KUMAR gives HIS FATHER a hug.   He even gives SAIKAT a hug.

                              KUMAR
                 It won't happen again.

                               KUMAR'S FATHER
                 Good.   I'll speak with you tomorrow.
          KUMAR'S FATHER gives KUMAR a quick kiss on the head, then he
          and SAIKAT walk away. HAROLD is stunned...

                              HAROLD
                 Wow. So I guess you're going to med
                 school after all, huh?

                              KUMAR
                 Fuck that! Like I care what my dad
                 thinks. I can't wait to see the look on
                 his face when he finds out I skipped the
                 interview tomorrow. He wants to cut me
                 off? Fine! I don't need his money!

                              HAROLD
                        (extremely confused)
                 But...you just hugged him...

                              KUMAR
                 I just needed to get my hands on these...
          KUMAR holds up SAIKAT and HIS FATHER'S SCAN CARDS.

                              KUMAR
                 Two words-- medical marijuana.
          HAROLD shakes his head in disgust.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   49.

          

          

          74A   INT. DOCTOR'S LOUNGE                                       74A
                Using the SCAN CARDS, Harold and Kumar walk into a room where
                there are loads of medical supplies, including SCRUBS. Kumar
                grabs a couple and hands one to Harold. They put them on...

                                    KUMAR
                       Look, I'm telling you, they see   an Indian
                       and Asian guy wearing these and   they'll
                       just assume we're doctors. Then   we walk
                       right into the pharmacy and get   the weed.
                Harold does not appear happy he's doing this.

          75    INT. HALLWAY                                                75
                HAROLD and KUMAR (now wearing blue jackets and doctors masks)
                walk out of the lounge and head down the hallway...

                                    HAROLD
                       If we get caught, you're taking the
                       blame. This wasn't my idea.

                                    KUMAR
                       We're not gonna get caught. We're gonna
                       get toasted and then we're gonna eat
                       delicious White Castle-- just like we
                       planned.
                All of a sudden, a hand grabs Kumar from behind. Freaked
                out, they turn around and see a MALE NURSE (frazzled, touchy
                feely).

                                    MALE NURSE
                       Dr. Patel, thank God I found you!    I need
                       your help immediately!
                The NURSE drags them to a nearby emergency room...

          76    INT. EMERGENCY ROOM                                         76
                The scene is very fast paced, with several YOUNG MEDICAL
                TECHNICIANS rushing around. Harold is confused and concerned
                as the Nurse leads he and Kumar over towards a patient...

                                    HAROLD
                              (whispering to Kumar)
                       What the hell's going on here?

                                    KUMAR
                       He must think I'm Saikat. Don't worry.
                       Leave the talking up to me.
                On the operating table is a PATIENT BLEEDING FROM HIS CHEST.
                He is conscious and appears to be in a lot of pain.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   50.

          

          

                              MALE NURSE
                 The patient was brought in by EMS five
                 minutes ago. He has three gunshot wounds
                 with entry in the anterior abdomen. No
                 exit wounds.
          HAROLD sees blood squirt out of the PATIENT'S chest.

                               HAROLD
                 Oh shit!   This guy's gonna die!!!

          THE PATIENT HEARS THIS AND LOOKS NERVOUSLY AT HAROLD.

                              MALE NURSE
                 It's a good thing I found you two. All
                 the other surgeons are working on other
                 patients...
          The NURSE hands HAROLD a surgical instrument.

                              HAROLD
                 Wait. Hold on. You see you got this all
                 wrong. We're not doc...
          KUMAR interrupts before HAROLD can tell her the truth.

                              KUMAR
                 What Dr. Lee is trying to say is that we
                 need to sedate the patient first or else
                 he could go into cardiac arrest.
          HAROLD looks at KUMAR confused and nervous.

                              MALE NURSE
                 Alright. I'll get the anesthesiologist.
          The NURSE is about to rush away, but Kumar stops him.

                              KUMAR
                 Hold on. What we should probably use is
                 marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate
                 the patient for surgery.

                              MALE NURSE
                        (confused)
                 Marijuana? But why...

                              KUMAR
                 We don't have time for questions! We
                 need marijuana now! Get as much of it as
                 possible! Like a big bag of it!
          KUMAR shows the amount he wants with his hands.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   51.

          

          

                              MALE NURSE
                 But doctor, we don't have marijuana in
                 this hospital.
          HAROLD gives KUMAR a dirty look.

                               KUMAR
                         (to himself)
                 Shit.
          Suddenly, more blood squirts from the Patient's chest.
          Harold shouts in disgust, making the Patient more nervous...

                              MALE NURSE
                 We're losing him! You gotta do something!

                              KUMAR
                        (disappointed)
                 Very well. I guess we'll have to do this
                 the old fashioned way.
          KUMAR puts a nitrous oxide mask over the Patient's face.
          Harold gives Kumar a look-- "What the fuck are you doing?"

                              KUMAR (CONT'D)
                 First, we need to clear his C-spine. I
                 want stat x-rays of the chest and
                 abdomen. Give me two large bore IVs and
                 start a ringers lactate push. Nurse, we
                 need 2 units of O neg on board.
          Using the surgical equipment, Kumar actually begins removing
          bullets from the bleeding patient!!! Harold can't believe
          what's going on.
          Suddenly, the Patient begins having trouble breathing! He's
          gasping for air! The BEEPING SOUND monitoring his heart rate
          begins speeding up to an insane pace.

                             MALE NURSE
                 Doctor! The patient is desatting!
          Kumar quickly examines the patient's chest...

                              KUMAR
                 Ah, I see. The Patient's got a collapsed
                 lung. Get me a 14-gage Angiocath, stat!
          After a couple seconds go by...

                              KUMAR
                 What's taking so long?

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   52.

          

          
               The NURSE hands KUMAR what is essentially a LARGE NEEDLE!
               Kumar directs the needle in the direction of the Patient's
               chest. It's a tense moment. The Patient is scared. So is
               Harold. The Nurse looks hopeful. Kumar looks determined.
               With a quick thrust, Kumar jabs the needle into the Patient's
               chest, causing a rush of air! The Patient breathes easier.
               His heart rate drops back to normal.

                                   MALE NURSE
                      Great catch doctor! His sat is up to 94!
               Kumar is cool and collected. He turns to the YOUNG MEDICAL
               TECHNICIANS who have been aiding the surgery.

                                   KUMAR
                             (casual)
                      Will one of you guys put the chest tube
                      in and wrap this up?
               A chorus of "yes, doctors."

                                   KUMAR
                             (taking off his gloves)
                      Well, it looks like my work here is done.
               Kumar pulls the gas mask from the patient's face up to his
               face and takes a deep breath, getting a big hit of nitrous.
               He then leans down to the BLEEDING PATIENT, who is just
               barely conscious -- but seems in good spirits...

                                   KUMAR (CONT'D)
                      Say, you wouldn't happen to know the
                      quickest way to get to the White Castle
                      in Cherry Hill from here, do you?

          77   EXT. TOWN STREETS - 1:00 AM                                  77
               Harold's car is cruising down some streets lined with stores.

          78   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       78
               Harold is very excited. Kumar is proud of himself, but
               playing it cool.

                                   HAROLD
                      I'm telling you. That was amazing!    Even
                      your dad would've been impressed!

                                   KUMAR
                             (nonchalant)
                      Yeah. It wasn't bad.

          

               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   52A.

          

          

                       HAROLD
          This is perfect! We're back on the road.
          We have directions now. The rain let up.                
          And guess what...

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003    53.

          

          
          HAROLD clicks on the "SAVE" option on his laptop...

                               HAROLD
                 I'm officially done with my work.
                        (beat)
                 I'm telling you, things are finally
                 starting to go our way.
          While they're stopped at a red light, Kumar takes in his
          surroundings and notices something...

                              KUMAR
                 Hey, check it out!     Your movie's playing.
          Outside, to Kumar's left, on the marquee of a movie theater
          we see: "JOHN HUGHES RETROSPECTIVE. CURLY SUE - 9:00.

          SIXTEEN CANDLES - 11:00.

                              KUMAR
                 And look who went to see it...
          Harold looks at the crowd leaving the theater and sees MARIA
          standing outside, all by herself. He can't believe it.

                               HAROLD
                 Holy shit.

                              KUMAR
                 You see? You thought you two had nothing
                 in common. But it turns out you both
                 have the same lame taste in movies. Hey,
                 you wanna see if she wants to come with
                 us to White Castle?

                                HAROLD
                 No way.    Forget about it.   Just drive.
          Kumar puts his hands on Harold's shoulders to get his
          undivided attention.

                              KUMAR
                 Harold. It's one in the morning. We're an
                 hour from home. And who do we see, but
                 your dream girl standing outside a
                 theater playing your favorite movie. I
                 mean, if we were in a cheesy romantic
                 comedy, and I was your annoying gay
                 friend, this would be the moment I'd tell
                 you "this is a sign."

                               HAROLD
                 Stop it.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   54.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 Come on. Just pretend you're a nerdy
                 Asian Tom Hanks and she's a hot Latina
                 Meg Ryan...with bigger tits. Besides, you
                 yourself said things are starting to go
                 our way...

                              HAROLD
                 Let's just go!
          KUMAR presses a button CAUSING HAROLD'S WINDOW TO GO DOWN.

                              HAROLD
                 What are you doing?!

                              KUMAR
                        (calling out)
                 Hey Maria!
          MARIA looks up. HAROLD QUICKLY DUCKS IN HIS SEAT. HE THEN

          REACHES DOWN WITH HIS HAND TO HIT THE GAS PEDDLE. THE CAR

          STARTS PEELING OUT...

                              KUMAR
                 Hey, get your hand off the gas!
          Kumar tries kicking Harold's hand off the gas.   Just then,

          THE CAR BEGINS SHAKING INTENSELY...

                              KUMAR
                        (looking up)
                 Oh shit!
          Harold's Infiniti HAS DRIVEN OFF THE ROAD AND IS SPEEDING

          DOWN A DIRT AND ROCK COVERED HILL.
          KUMAR grabs control of the wheel and tries to steer the car
          safely. HAROLD is bumping around on the way down the hill.
          Finally, they reach the bottom of the hill, near a DIRT ROAD.

                              HAROLD
                 You asshole! My car's probably all
                 scratched up now!

                              KUMAR
                 Don't blame me. You're the one who ran us
                 off the road!

                              HAROLD
                 I told you I didn't want to speak to her!
                        (composing himself)
                 Whatever. Let's jut get back on the
                 highway.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003     55.

          

          

                                    KUMAR
                      Fine.
               KUMAR presses the gas. Suddenly, we hear a "POP!"   Harold and
               Kumar look at each other-- angry and frustrated.

          79   EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - 1:15 AM                               79
               HAROLD examines the flat tire. Kumar is standing nearby.
               There's not another car in site.

                                   HAROLD
                      Godammit. You know how to change a flat?

                                   KUMAR
                      Please. Only hicks and Italian guys know
                      how to change a tire.
               Harold looks in his trunk for the spare.    It's missing.

                                   HAROLD
                      Where's my spare tire?

                                   KUMAR
                      I don't know.

                                   HAROLD
                      Shit, where the hell is it?
               Kumar suddenly remembers...

                                   KUMAR
                      Oh yeah! Don't you remember that time we
                      got baked and started throwing shit off
                      that bridge to see if it would float?

                                   HAROLD
                      What bridge? What the hell are you
                      talking about?

                                   KUMAR
                             (realizing)
                      Oh shit. That's right. I was with
                      Goldstein. We borrowed your car that day.
                      My bad.

                                    HAROLD
                      Your bad?   What are the hell are we gonna
                      do now?!
               Suddenly, they see AN OLD PICK-UP TRUCK driving in their
               direction. HAROLD and KUMAR wave it down. The truck stops
               in front of them. The door opens and a SHADOWY FIGURE begins
               walking towards them. Harold and Kumar are nervous. As soon
               as the FIGURE reaches them, LIGHTENING STRIKES.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   56.

          

          
               It's the UGLIEST MAN OF ALL TIME-- he's in his fifties,
               wearing a crappy mesh cap, but most notably, HE HAS LARGE
               BUMPS AND BOILS ALL OVER HIS FACE. Harold and Kumar jump
               back in fear as they catch their first glimpse of him.

                                   UGLY MAN
                      You boys need some help?
               The UGLY MAN takes off his mesh cap. Even his haircut is
               freaky. He has a SKULLET (A MULLET BUT WITH NO HAIR ON TOP).
               HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other, freaked out.

          80   EXT. DIRT ROAD - 1:20 AM                                    80
               The UGLY MAN'S TRUCK tows Harold's Infiniti down a dirt road.

          81   INT. TRUCK                                                  81
               The UGLY MAN is driving. KUMAR is in the front seat, on the
               passenger side. HAROLD is sandwiched between them.

                                   HAROLD
                      Thanks for helping us out.

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      No problem at all. Saw you boys stranded
                      there and thought to myself, "what would
                      Jesus do?"
               Harold and Kumar look at each other. They then notice a
               JESUS CHRIST bobble-head doll on the dashboard...

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      So, you boys worship Christ?
               The guys look at each other again, not sure how to respond.

                            HAROLD                           KUMAR
               Uh...Yeah.                        Sure, he's great.

                                   UGLY MAN
                      Great. Good to hear it. The name's
                      Randy...but everyone calls me Freak Show.

                                   KUMAR
                      I'm Kumar. This is Harold.     Good to meet
                      you, Mr...Freak Show.

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      Pleasure's all mine.
               After a while, HAROLD starts to notice that they're driving
               in the middle of a dark woods. It looks very sketchy.

                                   HAROLD
                      So where exactly are we going?

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    57.

          

          

                              FREAK SHOW
                 Don't worry. My place isn't too far from
                 here. Once we get there, I'll have your
                 ride fixed up in a jiffy.
          The guys silently continue driving, until KUMAR notices a

          RASH OF BOILS ON FREAK SHOW'S NECK.

                              KUMAR
                        (whispering to Harold)
                 Eww-- check out those boils on his neck!
          HAROLD nudges him to be quiet. KUMAR looks back over at
          FREAK SHOW and sees that ONE OF THE BOILS IS PULSATING.

                              KUMAR
                        (whispering)
                 Oh my God! You gotta look!     One of
                 them's actually pulsating!

                              HAROLD
                        (whispering)
                 Will you shut up? He's right next to me!
                 He can hear you!
          KUMAR sees that A WHITE PUSS IS NOW OOZING FROM THE BOIL.

                              KUMAR
                        (whispering)
                 Now there's some sort of puss! It's the
                 most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

                              HAROLD
                        (whispering)
                 What's the matter with you? You think
                 that just because you're whispering, he
                 can't hear what you're saying? He's two
                 feet away from us. He can hear this
                 entire conversation. He can hear me
                 talking right now.

                              KUMAR
                        (whispering)
                 Don't worry, he can't hear anything.    Not
                 with all that crust in his ear.
          HAROLD gives KUMAR a hard elbow to the stomach. He then
          looks nervously at FREAK SHOW, who doesn't seem to have heard
          a thing. Harold seems relieved.

                              FREAK SHOW
                 I heard every word you said.
          FREAK SHOW doesn't say anything else. HAROLD and KUMAR don't
          know how to react. They feel really uncomfortable. The fact
          that nothing happens makes it all the more awkward for them.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   58.

          

          

          82   EXT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE - 1:30 AM                            82
               HAROLD (with laptop in tow) and KUMAR stand by their car, as
               FREAK SHOW brings out some tools and a new tire from his
               house, which is run-down and in the middle of nowhere.

                                     FREAK SHOW
                        Now it's gonna take me a little while
                        here, so if you boys like you can go
                        inside, wash up, fuck my wife, have
                        something to drink, watch tv-- anything
                        you want. Mi casa es su casa. Just
                        don't do anything Jesus wouldn't do.
               FREAK SHOW gives HAROLD a pat on the back and starts changing
               the tire. KUMAR and HAROLD look at each other. Slowly, they
               walk towards FREAK SHOW's house...

                                     KUMAR
                        Am I deaf or did he just say we can fuck
                        his wife?

                                     HAROLD
                        He couldn't have said that.

                                     KUMAR
                        But he did! It may have been in mid-
                        sentence, but it was still clear as day.
               They reach the front door and are about to enter...

                                     HAROLD
                        Who cares? You've seen Freak Show. What
                        do you think his wife is gonna look like?

          83   INT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE                                      83
               HAROLD and KUMAR walk inside and see THE HOTTEST CHICK OF ALL
               TIME (LIANE) walk out of the kitchen. She is dressed Daisy
               Dukes and a tight, skimpy shirt, that accentuates her chest.

                                     LIANE
                        Hi. I'm Freak Show's wife, Liane.    Would
                        you boys like some pink lemonade?
               HAROLD and KUMAR can't move.   They're awestruck.

                                     LIANE
                        Let me go bring in a pitcher.
               LIANE   leaves to go into the kitchen. Along the way, she
               turns   on a record player, which starts playing a CREEPY SONG
               ABOUT   JESUS CHRIST. HAROLD and KUMAR look around the house.
               There   are crosses and Bible Verses on the walls, along with
               Freak   Show and Liane's wedding picture...

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   59.

          

          

                              HAROLD
                 Okay. It's official.     We've entered the
                 Twilight Zone.

                              KUMAR
                 Dude, Liane is fucking hot!

                              HAROLD
                 She's not ugly.
          LIANE comes in with the pitcher of lemonade.    She pours them
          drinks and hands them the glasses...

                               KUMAR
                 Thanks.
                        (beat)
                 So, tell me Liane-- how are things
                 between you and Freak Show presently?

                              LIANE
                 Oh, never been better.    We love each
                 other very much.
          KUMAR looks disappointed.    HAROLD, however, is intrigued...

                              HAROLD
                 Can I ask-- how does a guy...like Freak
                 Show...end up with a woman like yourself?

                              LIANE
                 Well, I met him at choir practice `bout
                 four years ago. Freak Show was very shy
                 back then-- you know, because of all the
                 hideous boils on his face and neck. But
                 he had the most amazing voice -- like a
                 baby canary.
          Harold and Kumar look at each other in disbelief -- "are we
          talking about the same Freakshow?"

                              LIANE
                 Well, one day after Easter service, I
                 told him how much I enjoyed his solo, and
                 he just mustered up some courage and
                 asked me out. The rest is history. And
                 we've been in love ever since.
          HAROLD ponders this for a moment.    He and KUMAR begin
          drinking their lemonade.

                              LIANE
                 So you boys gonna fuck me or what?
          HAROLD and KUMAR spit the lemonade out simultaneously. They
          look at each other in complete shock. Kumar turns to Harold.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   60.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 Rock, paper, scissors to see who goes
                 first?

                              HAROLD
                 Wait a second-- what about Freak
                 Show...and this whole Christian thing you
                 guys have going on?

                              LIANE
                        (a little offended)
                 Oh, so just because we're passionate
                 about our Lord, you assume we don't know
                 how to have a good time?

                              HAROLD
                 No, I just...
          Liane starts playing with the knot in her shirt. Harold and
          Kumar stare unabashedly. Harold looks outside the window,
          where he sees Freak Show changing the tire, apparently busy.

                               HAROLD
                 Nevermind.
                        (to Kumar, swinging his
                         hand)
                 Okay, rock, paper, scissors...

                              LIANE
                 Sorry-- if you boys want me, you gotta do
                 me at the same time.

                              HAROLD
                 Huh?

                               LIANE
                 Come on.   Give me the double stuff.
          HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other confused.

                              KUMAR
                 I'm not sure we quite understand...

                              LIANE
                 I want you both inside me simultaneously.
          HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other again, more confused and
          kind of disturbed. Kumar turns to LIANE...

                              KUMAR
                 Um, are we talking about one hole or two?

                              LIANE
                 However you want to do it.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   61.

          

          

                              HAROLD
                 Sorry, no thank you.

                               KUMAR
                        (to Harold)
                 Shh! Two holes it might not be that bad.
                        (beat)
                 Shotgun anus!

                              HAROLD
                 Forget it! I don't want our balls
                 rubbing against each other. No way!
          KUMAR turns to LIANE in desperation...

                              KUMAR
                 What about blow jobs?! Can we get blow
                 jobs!?

                              LIANE
                 Well...okay.
                        (to Harold)
                 Can you help me with this...?
          Liane walks over to Harold, seductively. Harold is nervous
          and doesn't know what he should do. She takes his hand and
          puts it on the knot in her shirt. Harold looks over to Kumar,
          who gives him a reassuring nod. Harold then pulls on the
          cloth, causing the knot to come loose, thereby releasing her
          shirt. The shirt is now hanging and just barely covering her
          breasts.

                              LIANE
                        (to Harold, re: breasts)
                 Do you want to play with them?
          Harold looks over to Kumar, then back at Liane...

                              HAROLD
                 Okay, let's do that.
          Liane takes Harold's hands and places them on her breasts.
          Kumar looks on enviously. Liane moans in pleasure as Harold
          starts to massage her chest.
          AT THAT MOMENT, FREAK SHOW ENTERS THE ROOM, holding a
          particularly threatening TIRE-IRON...

                              FREAK SHOW
                 Hey boys-- I changed your tire...
          FREAK SHOW sees HAROLD with LIANE...

                              FREAK SHOW
                 What the hell are you doing with my wife!

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003    62.

          

          

                                   HAROLD
                             (scared shitless)
                      Uhh...you said outside that we can have
                      sex with her!
               FREAK SHOW runs over to HAROLD and grabs him by the collar!

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      I most certainly did not say that!

                                    KUMAR
                      No.   You did. We both heard you.

                                   FREAK SHOW
                             (calming down)
                      Are you sure?

                                    KUMAR
                      Positive.
               FREAK SHOW ponders this.

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      Oh...my mistake then.

                                    KUMAR
                      No problem.

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      Well, since we're all here, why not make
                      it a foursome?

               FREAK SHOW PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND

               HAROLD AND KUMAR...

                                   FREAK SHOW
                      Who wants the first reach-around?

          84   EXT. FREAK SHOW'S HOUSE                                      84
               HAROLD and KUMAR burst out the front door and run towards
               their car. They get in and peel out as fast as they can.

          85   EXT. DIRT ROAD - 1:45 AM                                     85
               Harold's Infiniti is driving down a dusty trail in the woods.

          86   INT. HAROLD'S INFINITI                                       86

                                   KUMAR
                      Okay, let's agree never to talk about
                      what just happened.

                                    HAROLD
                      Agreed.

          

                                DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   63.

          

          
               KUMAR searches for some clue of where they are.

                                   KUMAR
                      Dude, I have no idea where we are.
               All of a sudden, A HITCHHIKER waves them down up ahead.

                                   KUMAR
                      Hey, a hitchhiker. Should we pick him up?

                                   HAROLD
                      And get chopped to bits?     Are you crazy?
               Kumar pulls over to the side of the road...

                                   KUMAR
                      Oh, calm down. We're lost. He may know
                      how to get us back on the highway.

                                   HAROLD
                      Fuck that! It's my car! We're not
                      picking up a hitchhiker!
               The back door opens and Neil (hitchhiker), gets into the car.

                                   NEIL
                      Yo, man, thanks for picking me up.
               HAROLD and KUMAR look at NEIL and then look at each other.
               THEY ARE IN COMPLETE SHOCK. Harold is no longer angry.

                                   HAROLD
                             (to Neil)
                      Uh...excuse me, but...are you Neil
                      Patrick Harris?

                                      NEIL
                      Yep.

                                   KUMAR
                      Holy shit, dude! Doogie Howser, M.D. was
                      my favorite TV show growing up! You were
                      my idol!

                                    NEIL
                             (curt)
                      Hey, that's great. Do you think we could
                      get going? I'm bored as shit back here.

          87   EXT. DIRT ROAD                                                87
               We see Harold's Infiniti drive back onto the road...

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   64.

          

          

          88   INT. CAR                                                   88

                                   KUMAR
                      So, Neil, I have to ask you-- did you
                      ever get it on with Wanda off the set?

                                   NEIL
                      Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on
                      that show.

                                   KUMAR
                      Even the chick who played the hot nurse?

                                   NEIL
                      No, I didn't go all the way with her.

                                   HAROLD
                      Hey, you don't know how to get back on
                      the highway, do you?

                                   NEIL
                      I don't even know where the fuck I am
                      right now. I was at this party earlier
                      tonight, and this dude hooked me up with
                      some killer X. Somehow I ended up
                      getting thrown out of a moving car, and
                      I've been tripping balls ever since.
               HAROLD and KUMAR both find this to be quite strange.

                                   KUMAR
                      Well, our night's been pretty crazy too.
                      We've been driving around for hours,
                      trying to get to White Castle, but we
                      keep getting sidetracked.

                                   NEIL
                      Dude, forget White Castle.   What we need
                      is some pussy.

                                   HAROLD
                      Huh?

                                   NEIL
                      It's a fucking sausage fest in here.
                      Let's get us some poon-tang. Then we'll
                      go to White Castle.

                                   KUMAR
                      You don't understand, Neil. We've been
                      craving these burgers all night.

                                   NEIL
                      I've been craving burgers too.   Fur
                      burgers, that is.

                                   (MORE)

          

                            DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003       65.
                                   NEIL (cont'd)
                      Let's pick up some trim at a strip club.
                      The Doogie line always works on
                      strippers.
               HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other-- weirded out.

                                   KUMAR
                      Hey, there's a gas station! Let's stop
                      and get directions.
               KUMAR quickly makes a turn onto a NORMAL-LOOKING STREET
               leading up to a gas station in the distance...

          89   EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE - 1:50 AM                  89
               HAROLD and KUMAR get out of the car.   NEIL is still in the
               backseat. The car is still running.

                                   HAROLD
                      We'll be right back, Neil.
               NEIL shakes his head, disappointed. Harold and Kumar start
               walking over to the CONVENIENCE STORE.

                                   HAROLD
                      What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?
                      Why's he so horny?

                                   KUMAR
                      I don't know. But we can't let him
                      interfere with our quest.
               Suddenly, Cole's Yellow Jeep drives right by them. They have
               to jump out of the way. Cole parks the jeep and exits with

               TWO OF THE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS.

                                   COLE
                      Late night math league meeting, homos?

                                   EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                             (to Cole)
                      Extreme!

                                   HAROLD
                             (upset)
                      Oh shit. These idiots.
               Cole and the Two Punks push past Harold and Kumar and walk
               into the store. Harold and Kumar enter after them...

          90   INT. CONVENIENCE STORE                                        90
               HAROLD and KUMAR walk into the store, where they see Cole and
               the Punks are nonchalantly knocking over random items from
               the shelves. They then begin playing HACKEYSACK with a
               HOSTESS-like PIE. The CASHIER (an OLD INDIAN MAN IN HIS
               SIXTIES) throws out a couple indecipherable protests...

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003    66.

          

          

                              INDIAN CASHIER
                        (to Cole and the punks)
                 Please...the pies...do not...
          Cole and the Punks ignore him.    Harold and Kumar then
          approach the Indian Cashier...

                              HAROLD
                 Excuse me-- can you tell us how to get
                 onto the highway from here?
          The INDIAN CASHIER shrugs his shoulders.

                              KUMAR
                        (to Harold)
                 He probably can't speak English...

          KUMAR SAYS A FEW WORDS IN HINDI, WHICH LIGHTS UP THE
          CASHIER'S EYES. Kumar listens as the Cashier tells him the
          directions in Hindi-- it takes the Cashier a long time to
          explain it. He mentions numerous streets and routes. It
          sounds like it's very complicated.
          Meanwhile, while they are talking, HAROLD suddenly sees TWO
          MORE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS enter the store, CARRYING A KAYAK
          AND A PADDLE. They carry the kayak to the back of the store.
          Harold has no idea what the hell is going on. KUMAR and the
          CASHIER are too busy talking to notice. Harold watches
          nervously as COLE PUTS ON A HELMET AND GETS INTO THE KAYAK...

                              KUMAR
                 Who knew that learning Hindi would
                 actually pay off? The guy says the
                 highway's just down the road. We should
                 be in Cherry Hill in ten minutes.
          HAROLD is still focused on COLE and the EXTREME PUNKS...

                               HAROLD
                         (to Kumar)
                 Huh?   Oh, good.

                              COLE (O.S.)

                 EXTREME KAYAKING!!!
          HAROLD, KUMAR, and the INDIAN CASHIER immediately turn and
          look at COLE, WHO IS IN THE KAYAK-- WHICH IS BEING HELD UP BY

          THE EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS. THE PUNKS RUN DOWN THE AISLE WITH

          THE KAYAK AND LAUNCH IT INTO THE AIR...
          In slow motion, we see COLE swing his paddle around in mid-
          air, KNOCKING OVER EVERYTHING ON THE SHELVES-- BAGS OF CHIPS,

          GLASS JARS OF JELLY, BOTTLES OF SODA, ETC.
          The EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS cheer COLE on, while HAROLD, KUMAR,
          and the INDIAN CASHIER watch in disbelief.

          

                          DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003    67.

          

          
          The kayak lands on the floor.     COLE gets out and celebrates
          with his friends.

                                 COLE
                    That was so fucking extreme, man!

                                 EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                    Yeah man, on a scale from one to ten--
                    one being not so extreme, ten being
                    extremely extreme, I'd give it a nine
                    point five.
          Meanwhile, all the Extreme Sports Punks begin going crazy
          throughout the store, knocking food off the shelves,
          bothering other customers.
          The INDIAN CASHIER begins yelling at them in HINDI.
          Extreme   Sports Punk #1 casually looks through a shelf of
          various   kinds of snack chips, discarding them one after an
          other.    Finally, he stumbles upon EXTREME CHEDDAR DORITOS.
          He goes   apeshit over his find.

                                 EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                    Extreme Cheddar!
          He tears open the bag and starts pouring them into his mouth,
          getting the chips all over the place.
          The INDIAN CASHIER is still yelling.      Cole picks up the
          Cashier...

                                 COLE
                    Extreme Cashier!!!
          Harold and Kumar watch on as Cole spins the INDIAN CASHIER
          around and around.

                                 HAROLD
                    Somebody should do something.

                                 KUMAR
                           (to Cole)
                    Hey asshole! Why don't you leave the guy
                    alone and go jerk off to some
                    snowboarding videos or something.

                                  EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS
                    Oooooooooh!
          Pissed, Cole stops in his tracks and drops the Cashier on the
          floor. He's pissed. It's clear to Harold that they may get
          their asses kicked.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   68.

          

          

                                   HAROLD
                             (to Kumar)
                      I didn't mean you should do something.
               Cole slowly walks over to Kumar. The two stand face to face.
               Cole looks pissed, but Kumar keeps his confident exterior.
               It's a tense moment.
               Suddenly, Cole makes a quick motion as if he was going to hit
               Kumar, trying to get him to flinch. Kumar stands his ground
               without flinching, still looking Cole in the eye. The Punks
               don't know what to think as their leader is shown up.
               Seemingly impressed by Kumar, Cole begins to turn around as
               if he's going to walk away, but he quickly doubles back,
               doing the same fake punch he did before. Caught off guard,
               this time Kumar flinches like a nervous weakling...

                                    KUMAR
                              (pissed off at himself)
                      Shit.
               Cole and the Punks burst out laughing.

                                   COLE
                      Yeah, that's right, bitch! Try fucking
                      with me one more time. Just try it!
               Cole jumps up and town gloating and pounding on his chest.

                                   KUMAR
                             (to Kumar, embarrassed)
                      Come on, lets get out of here.
               Harold and Kumar walk out of the store, deflated.   With their
               leader victorious, the Punks begin celebrating.

                                   COLE
                             (like Apu)
                      Thank you, come again!

          91   EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE                           91
               HAROLD and KUMAR walk back towards their car...

                                   HAROLD
                      Kumar-- you okay?

                                    KUMAR
                      Yeah, I just hate those dicks.
                             (beat)
                      Fuck it. At least now we know where we're
                      going. I'm so friggin' hungry...

               SUDDENLY, WE HEAR A CAR ENGINE START.    HAROLD AND KUMAR STOP

               WALKING AND LOOK OVER AT KUMAR'S CAR.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   69.

          

          THEY SEE NEIL IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, TURNING THE KEY. THEY

          WATCH AS HE PUTS THE CAR INTO DRIVE, HITS THE GAS, AND TAKES

          OFF, DRIVING THROUGH A SIGN, AND GETTING ON THE ROAD...
          Harold and Kumar stand there for fifteen seconds, without
          saying a word, as they watch the car slowly disappear in the
          distance. Eventually, Harold breaks the silence...

                               HAROLD
                        (calm)
                 Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking
                 car?

                              KUMAR
                 I think he did.

                              HAROLD

                 FUCK!!!!!!
                        (to Kumar)
                 You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker!

                              KUMAR
                 Rold, calm down!

                              HAROLD
                 Why the hell did you leave the keys in
                 the car?!

                              KUMAR
                 I figured that Neil Patrick Harris was a
                 trustworthy guy. How was I supposed to
                 know that he'd fuck us over?

                              HAROLD
                 This is all your fault! This whole
                 fucking night! You know I leased that
                 car! They're gonna make me pay for it!
          Harold starts to walk back to the convenience store.

                              KUMAR
                 Where are you going?

                              HAROLD
                 I'm going to call the police!   I don't
                 want to talk to you anymore!
          Harold is about to walk in, when he sees Cole wind up and
          throw a Hostess-like snowball right in the Cashier's face.
          "Extremes" all around!

                              KUMAR
                 There's a pay phone across the street, if
                 you don't want to deal with those
                 assholes.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   70.

          

          
          Harold turns around and walks back towards the street. Kumar
          walks with him, keeping his distance. They reach the street.
          On the other side, he sees AN ORANGE "DON'T WALK" SIGN LIT
          UP. Harold presses the "WALK" BUTTON on the post next to him.

                              KUMAR
                 So after you talk to the cops we're still
                 going to White Castle, right?

                              HAROLD
                 I'm not speaking to you.
          Harold waits for the "DON'T WALK" sign to change. It
          doesn't. HE STARTS PRESSING THE "WALK" BUTTON REPEATEDLY.

                              KUMAR
                 You know, pressing the button a bunch of
                 times doesn't make the sign change any
                 faster. The computer responds to the
                 first press. Every press after that is
                 extraneous.

                              HAROLD
                 Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
          HAROLD waits for a few seconds, but when the light doesn't
          change, he begins pressing the button again.

                              HAROLD
                 Jesus Christ! When are they gonna
                 fucking develop button technology that'll
                 understand urgency?
          The "DON'T WALK" sign still won't change. Kumar looks to the
          left and then to the right. The street is completely empty
          and there is no place for a police car to hide.

                              KUMAR
                 This is ridiculous.   Just walk across.

                              HAROLD
                 It'll change in a second.
          They stand there for another ten seconds.   It doesn't change.

                              KUMAR
                 Come on, there's not a car in sight!

                              HAROLD
                 Alright fine. You want me to cross?
                 I'll cross. Just leave me alone!
          Harold starts walking angrily across the street.

                              KUMAR
                 Finally.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   71.

          

          
          Before Kumar has a chance to follow, a POLICE CAR FROM OUT OF

          NOWHERE FLASHES ITS LIGHTS AND STOPS HAROLD DEAD IN HIS

          TRACKS.

                               HAROLD
                 Shit!
          Harold walks back over to Kumar, clearly upset within him, as
          OFFICER PALUMBO (30's, good looking, tough) gets out of the
          car and walks over to them...

                              HAROLD
                        (looking at cop's name-
                         tag)
                 Good evening. Is there a problem,
                 Officer...Palumbo?

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Is there a problem? Ever hear of
                 jaywalking?

                              HAROLD
                 Yes. Yes I have. I'm so sorry. I promise
                 I'll never do it again.

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Yeah, like I give a fuck. I'm writing
                 you up a ticket.
          OFFICER PALUMBO begins writing a ticket.    Kumar walks over,
          flabbergasted...

                               KUMAR
                 A ticket?!   Are you serious?
          Harold motions Kumar to "shut the fuck up!"

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                        (to Kumar, unthreatened)
                 Who the fuck are you, shitwad?

                              HAROLD
                        (stepping in front of
                         Kumar)
                 Let me apologize for my friend. I promise
                 I will pay the fine. But actually, I'm
                 glad you're here. You know the TV show
                 Doogie Howser, M.D? You see, Doogie
                 Howser just stole my car and...

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Pipe down and give me your ID.

                              KUMAR
                        (to Officer Palumbo)
                 Wait. Hold on.

                              (MORE)

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003     72.
                              KUMAR (cont'd)
                 How can you give him a ticket for
                 jaywalking? I mean, look at this street!
                 He wasn't causing traffic or anything!

                              HAROLD
                 Kumar, shut up...

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                        (to Kumar)
                 Yeah, that's not the best tone to use on
                 a cop who could bust your ass.

                              KUMAR
                 Bust my ass?!

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Yeah, Koo-mar. Bust your ass.
                        (to Harold)
                 What's with that name -- Koo-mar -- with
                 like three o's and shit. What happened to
                 good old fashioned American names like
                 Dave, Jim...
          Harold points to his ID.

                              HAROLD
                 Harold.
          Harold is starting to pacify Palumbo.

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Yes. Harold. That's a great name.    You
                 should be proud of that name, son.

                              HAROLD
                 Thank you.
          OFFICER PALUMBO hands Harold his ticket and begins to walk
          away.

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 As you were, ladies.
          Kumar grabs the ticket from Harold and looks at it.

                              KUMAR
                 220 dollars!? Are you crazy?
          Palumbo quickly turns around and returns to the guys.

                              HAROLD
                 Kumar, I swear to God, if you don't...

                              KUMAR
                        (to Officer Palumbo)
                 No, no, no. I understand what's going on.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   73.

          

          
               Harold steps in front of Kumar and puts his arms up to block
               him. Palumbo interprets the movement as a hostile movement
               towards him.

                                   OFFICER PALUMBO
                      Hey, hands down! No sudden moves!
               Harold puts his hands down and Kumar continues his rant, with
               Palumbo improvising little responses.

                                   KUMAR
                      Let me guess. You were probably the big
                      asshole in your high school, right?
                      You'd pick on guys like us every day.
                      But then graduation came, and we went to
                      college and you went nowhere, so you
                      thought, "How can I still give them shit?
                      I know! I'll become a cop!" Well,
                      congratulations. Your dream's come true.
               Both Officer Palumbo and Harold are getting really pissed.
               Kumar steps in front of Harold and offers his friend over to
               Palumbo.

                                   KUMAR
                             (to Officer Palumbo)
                      Hey, while you're at it, why don't you
                      write him up another ticket? Or better
                      yet, arrest him. Lock him up!
               With that, HAROLD TAKES A BIG SWING AT KUMAR. Kumar sees
               Harold's fist coming and quickly ducks. Harold's fist ends
               up hitting OFFICER PALUMBO in the face. SMACK!!!

                                      HAROLD
                      Oh shit.

          92   INT. JAIL CELL - 2:30 AM                                    92
               The CELL DOOR SLAMS.    Harold is behind bars.

                                   HAROLD
                             (calling out)
                      Hey, are you gonna do something about my
                      car? Hello?
               Palumbo is in the main office area, dealing with HIPPIE
               ASSHOLE and his MOM. The Mom hands Officer Palumbo a check.

                                   OFFICER PALUMBO
                      Thanks, Mrs. Ogelthorpe. Your donation
                      to our Police Charity is very
                      appreciated.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003     74.

          

          

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE'S MOM
                 Well, thank you for being so
                 understanding about Bradley. I promise
                 you he won't ever do it again.

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 Oh, I'm sure he won't. Not after the
                 talk we had, right Brad?
          Officer Palumbo gives Hippie Asshole a threatening look.

                              HIPPIE ASSHOLE
                        (shaken)
                 Mom-- please take me home...
          The Mom leaves, with Hippie Asshole clinging to her like a
          frightened child.
          Palumbo shakes his head and sits down at his desk, where we
          see HIPPIE ASSHOLE'S BIG BAG OF WEED, along with Harold's
          WALLET and LAPTOP. He then starts filing a report on
          Harold...
          Harold looks at Officer Palumbo through the bars...

                              HAROLD
                 Can I at least give you my car's licence
                 plate number?
          Ignoring Harold, Palumbo turns up the volume on his radio...

                              RADIO   ANNOUNCER
                 The search for the   escaped cheetah
                 continues tonight.   It was last spotted in
                 Randolph Township,   heading South...
          Harold turns around and examines his cell. Inside with him
          is a black man (TARIK) sitting down, reading a book. Harold
          sits down, across from Tarik.
          While Harold isn't looking, we see Officer Palumbo take the
          cash out of Harold's wallet and pocket it.

                              HAROLD
                 So what are you in here for?

                              TARIK
                 For being black.

                               HAROLD
                 Come on.   Seriously.
          TARIK sits up. He looks at OFFICER PALUMBO who, with his
          Walkman on, is oblivious to their conversation.

          

                         DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   75.

          

          

                              TARIK
                 I am serious. You wanna know what
                 happened?
          Harold nods.

                              TARIK
                 I was walking out of a Barnes and Noble,
                 and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black
                 man robbed a store in Newark. Therefore,
                 since I'm black, it was probably me,
                 right?
          Harold shrugs his shoulders.

                              TARIK
                 Well that was the logic the cop used. I
                 told him I haven't even been to Newark in
                 months. Then he pointed a gun at me and
                 told me to stop resisting arrest. I
                 said, "Hey, I'm not resisting anything."
                 So he starts beating me with his gun,
                 screaming at me, telling me to stop
                 resisting.

                               HAROLD
                 Holy shit.   What did you do?

                              TARIK
                 I kept saying, "I understand that I'm
                 under arrest. Please stop beating me."
                 But that didn't work. Then another cop
                 showed up. Then another. When it was
                 all said and done, it took nine cops to
                 bring me in here.

                              HAROLD
                 That fucking blows!
          Tarik nods and continues reading his book.    Harold sees that
          Tarik is remarkably relaxed.

                              HAROLD
                 I don't understand how you're able to be
                 so calm about all this.

                               TARIK
                 Son, I'm fat. I'm black. I can't dance.
                 And I have two gay fathers. I've had
                 people messing with me my whole life.
                        (beat)
                 I learned a long time ago, there's no
                 point in getting all riled up every time
                 a bunchy of idiots gives you a hard time.
                 Because in the end, the universe tends to
                 unfold as it should.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   76.

          

          
               Harold takes this all in.

                                   TARIK
                      So what are you in here for?

                                   HAROLD
                      Assaulting an officer.

                                   TARIK
                      They tried to pin that shit on you too?

                                   HAROLD
                      No. I actually did hit the cop. But
                      only because I was trying to hit my
                      friend. Well, ex-friend.

          
               Suddenly, OFFICER REILLY hangs up the phone on his desk. He
               shouts out to the other officers in the room:

                                   OFFICER REILLY
                      Hey, listen up guys! Multiple gun shots
                      fired in Millbrook Park! It sounds bad!

                                   OFFICER PALUMBO
                      Finally, some action! I'm going!
               Another cop, OFFICER MARTONE, gets up...

                                   OFFICER MARTONE
                      No-- I'm going!
               All six officers in the room jump out of their desks and run
               for the door. Harold and Tarik can't believe it.

          93   EXT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS                            93
               We see the officers get into their POLICE CARS and drive off.

          94   INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS                                 94
               Harold and Tarik are now left all alone in their cell.

                                   HAROLD
                      That was strange.
               Suddenly, a loud banging sound is made from a VENTILATION
               SHAFT on the ceiling, above one of the officer's desks.

                                   HAROLD
                      What the hell was that?

                                  KUMAR (O.C.)
                            (from inside the shaft)
                      Rold? Is that you?

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   77.

          

          
          Although his voice is muffled, we can hear Kumar's words.
          Tarik is very confused.

                              HAROLD
                        (shouting out)
                 Kumar?! What the fuck are you doing?!

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 Are the cops still there?

                               HAROLD
                 No, they...   Wait a second, did you...

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 I called and made up some story about a
                 shooting in Millbrook park...

                              HAROLD
                 Jesus Christ! What did you do that for?!

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust
                 you out, and we'd get over to White
                 Castle.

                              HAROLD
                 Forget it! I don't want to get in any
                 more trouble! I'm already in here because
                 of you!

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 Hey, fuck you! What did you want me to
                 do? Stand there and take the hit? You
                 know, I've never taken a swing at you
                 before. Never.

                              HAROLD
                 Well, I never got your car stolen!

                              TARIK
                 Hey, I'm trying to read here.

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 Look, Rold, I'm sorry. But you're not
                 the only one dealing with shit. My dad's
                 cutting me off, remember?

                              HAROLD
                 Hey asshole, I'm in jail! Don't bitch to
                 me about your problems! Just leave me
                 alone. I don't want your help.

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 You don't want my help? Fine!    I'm outta
                 here!

          

                          DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   78.

          

          
          We hear a couple banging sounds from the ventilation shaft.
          Then a couple more. Then a couple more. Pouting, Harold
          pretends to ignore it.

                                KUMAR (O.C.)
                 Uh...Rold?    How do I get out of here?
          Tarik rolls his eyes in disbelief.

                              HAROLD
                 How the hell should I know?

                              KUMAR (O.C.)
                 This isn't good.
          We hear the banging noise again. And again. Suddenly, THE

          VENTILATION SHAFT BREAKS OFF THE CEILING AND KUMAR FALLS OUT

          ONTO THE GROUND...

                              HAROLD
                 Jesus Christ.
          Tarik shakes his head.

                                KUMAR
                 Ow...my ass.
          Kumar gets up and walks over to the cell.

                              KUMAR
                 You sure you don't want to get out?

                              HAROLD
                 And become a fugitive? Are you nuts?
                 The guy has all my information.
          Harold points to Palumbo's desk, which has the police report,
          Harold's I.D., and his laptop.

                               KUMAR
                 So what? We'll take everything he wrote
                 down about you and leave.
                        (beat)
                 Unless you want to stay here all night
                 and not be able to hand your work in
                 tomorrow.
          Harold thinks about this for a second.

                                HAROLD
                 Fine.    Hurry up.
          Kumar smiles.   He begins searching for a key.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    79.

          

          

          95   EXT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS                            95
               We see ALL THE POLICE CARS RETURNING TO THE STATION.

          96   INT. POLICE STATION                                         96
               Kumar finds A BIG METAL KEY RING on Palumbo's desk...

                                   KUMAR
                      Yes! I was hoping it would be one of
                      these big ring of keys. Now I get to try
                      all of them to see which one will...

                                   HAROLD
                      Kumar, hurry the fuck up!
               Kumar runs over to the cell door. He tries out a couple
               keys, when he suddenly smells something...

                                   KUMAR
                      What's that smell?
               Kumar turns his head and sees the ENORMOUS BAG OF WEED on
               Officer Reilly's desk.

                                   HAROLD
                      Kumar?...Kumar!
               Kumar can't hear Harold. He's in a trance. We begin to hear a
               romantic song as Kumar stares lovingly at the BAG OF WEED...

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          97   EXT. PARK (SWINGSET) - DAY                                  97
               It's a beautiful, sunny day in the park, as KUMAR pushes THE
               BAG OF WEED on a swing, like young lovers do in movies...

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          98   INT. MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - NIGHT                          98
               KUMAR has his arms around THE BAG OF WEED as he helps it
               swing the golf club. It's a hole in one! KUMAR TURNS THE

               BAG OF WEED AROUND AND GIVES IT A KISS.

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          99   EXT. HIP STREET - NIGHT                                     99
               Kumar and THE BAG OF WEED are sitting down, posing for a
               CARICATURE SKETCH ARTIST. The Artist reveals his sketch to
               Kumar and The Bag of Weed. It obviously looks ridiculous.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    80.

          

          

          100    INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                               100
                 THE BAG OF WEED is lying on KUMAR's bed, while KUMAR gives it
                 a massage...

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

          101    INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                               101
                 KUMAR is lying on the bed, while THE BAG OF WEED is giving
                 him a massage (yes, the bag has little arms and hands now).

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

          102    EXT. ALLEY - DAY                                           102
                 THE BAG OF WEED is holding a box containing pictures and
                 memorabilia of it's relationship to the HIPPIE ASSHOLE. The
                 Bag of Weed throws the box in a GARBAGE CAN.
                 Kumar lights a match and throws it in the can, setting it
                 aflame. He and the bag of weed face each other and kiss...

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

          102A   INT. KUMAR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT                              102A
                 A NAKED KUMAR and THE BAG OF WEED are kissing in bed. The
                 BAG OF WEED starts to go under the covers. We watch, as the
                 sheets move up and down. KUMAR STARTS TO HAVE AN ORGASM...
                 THE BAG OF WEED comes up from under the covers. Kumar gives
                 it a kiss. THEN, HE GOES UNDER THE COVERS. We see THE BAG

                 OF WEED START TO TREMBLE AND SHUDDER IN ECSTASY...

          103    INT. KITCHEN TABLE - AFTERNOON                             103
                 KUMAR (wearing a wife-beater undershirt and boxers) is
                 frustrated as he looks at his BILLS. THE BAG OF WEED (wearing
                 a pink bathrobe) comes out of the kitchen holding a MUG OF

                 COFFEE. IT GIVES KUMAR THE COFFEE. KUMAR TAKES A SIP. IT'S

                 TOO COLD. HE SPITS IT OUT AND SLAPS THE BAG OF WEED...

                 DEPRESSED, THE BAG OF WEED WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE...
                 KUMAR hears THE BAG OF WEED crying from the other room.   He
                 obviously feels guilty...

                 KUMAR GETS UP AND RUNS OVER TO THE BAG OF WEED. HE PICKS IT

                 UP, GIVES IT A KISS, AND EMBRACES IT WITH ALL OF HIS SOUL...

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

          

                                 DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   81.

          

          

          104   INT. JAIL CELL                                                104
                Kumar walks away from the cell, goes over to the desk, picks
                up the bag of weed and caresses it...

                                    HAROLD
                       What the hell are you...
                Suddenly, all six police officer come back into the room,
                pushing a black man wearing pajamas (NATHANIEL BANKS).
                Nathaniel seems very gentle. He's even wearing a turtleneck
                sweater.

                                    OFFICER PALUMBO
                              (to Nathaniel)
                       You thought you could get away with this,
                       huh?

                                    NATHANIEL
                       Where am I? I was in bed.         I didn't fire
                       any gun, I swear...
                Suddenly, Officer Reilly looks over to the jail cell...

                                       OFFICER REILLY
                                 (pointing)
                       Look!
                All the cops turn to the cell. Kumar is still holding the
                weed. He doesn't know what to do. Harold is scared shitless.

                                   OFFICER PALUMBO
                             (re: Tarik)
                       Shit! Jackson's trying to escape!
                Tarik looks up from his book...

                                       TARIK
                       What?     Oh, not again!
                The cops handcuff Nathaniel to the leg of a desk, and run
                over to the jail cell, ignoring Kumar and the weed.

                                    OFFICER PALUMBO
                       Stop trying to escape!

                                    TARIK
                       I'm not trying to escape!        Look at me,
                       I'm sitting down!
                They turn the key that is already in the keyhole and storm
                into the room. Harold stands back, confused. Tarik leans
                against the wall, ready to be handcuffed. The cops grab him
                and throw him down against the bed.

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   82.

          

          

                                    OFFICER REILLY
                       He's trying to break free! Hold him
                       tight!
                In the midst of all the action, Kumar grabs Harold and pulls
                him out of the cell. HAROLD GOES OVER TO PALUMBO'S DESK AND
                PICKS UP HIS WALLET AND LAPTOP, along with the police report.
                They start running out of the room. Kumar's still clinging
                to the weed.

                                    HAROLD
                              (to Kumar)
                       Wait-- shouldn't we do something about
                       this?

                                    NATHANIEL
                              (to Harold)
                       If I were you, I'd get out of here as
                       soon as possible.
                With that, Harold and Kumar run out...

          105   EXT. POLICE STATION                                       105
                HAROLD and KUMAR (still clinging to the weed) burst out the
                door and run down the steps. They race through the street
                and start heading towards a FOREST.

                                      KUMAR
                       Hurry up!

          106   EXT. FOREST - 3:20 AM                                     106
                HAROLD and KUMAR have stopped running.   They start catching
                their breath.

                                    HAROLD
                       Jesus Christ! That place was a fucking
                       mad house! Thanks for getting me out of
                       there, dude.

                                    KUMAR
                       Hey, man, the burgers wouldn't taste as
                       good if you weren't there.
                              (beat, re: weed)
                       Dude, look at this. It's like we went
                       from being broke to being millionaires.
                Suddenly, they hear what sounds like A COYOTE'S HOWL.

                                    HAROLD
                       What was that?

                                    KUMAR
                       Just a coyote. Don't worry.

          

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                              HAROLD
                 Aren't people supposed to be scared of
                 coyotes?

                              KUMAR
                 That's only because they sound scary. In
                 one on one combat, either one of us can
                 take a coyote down.

          SUDDENLY, A CHEETAH JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BUSH AND LETS OUT

          A MONSTROUS ROAR!

                              KUMAR (CONT'D)
                 Now cheetahs, they're another story.
          The CHEETAH stares HAROLD and KUMAR down.

                              HAROLD
                 We're gonna die.

                              KUMAR
                 Just calm down. Cheetahs are used to
                 eating zebras and shit. They're not
                 known for eating humans.

          WITH THAT, THE CHEETAH WALKS OVER TO A NEARBY BUSH AND DRAGS

          OUT A HALF-EATEN HUMAN CORPSE IT'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN DEVOURING.

                              HAROLD
                 We're gonna die.

                              KUMAR
                 Okay, I'll admit, that's not a good sign.
                 But I'm sure if we just stay calm he'll
                 probably leave us alone.
          HAROLD and KUMAR stand silently. SLOWLY, the CHEETAH begins
          walking directly over to HAROLD...

                              HAROLD
                        (whispering)
                 This isn't working.

                               KUMAR
                 Shhh.
          Suddenly, the CHEETAH OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE AND CHOMPS DOWN ON

          WHAT APPEARS TO BE HAROLD'S GROIN AREA.

                              HAROLD
                        (eyes closed, screaming)

                 HE'S MAULING ME! HE'S MAULING ME!
          HAROLD continues screaming for the next TEN SECONDS.
          Eventually, he calms down and looks at the CHEETAH.

          

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                THE CHEETAH IS NOT EATING HAROLD.    HE'S EATING THE BEEF JERKY

                THAT HAROLD HAD IN HIS PANTS.

                                    KUMAR
                              (annoyed)
                       I thought I told you not to take that
                       jerky!
                HAROLD simply falls to the ground relieved that he hasn't
                been eaten. The Cheetah walks over to Harold and begins
                licking Harold's face in friendship.

                                      HAROLD
                       He likes me.
                Suddenly, Kumar's eyes light up...

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, I think I have an idea.

                                      HAROLD
                       What is it?

                                    KUMAR
                       I'll tell you, but first we have to get
                       really high.
                Kumar opens the bag of weed.
                Pan up to the night sky for a time lapse.   We see smoke
                coming up from below. Pan back down...

          107   OMIT                                                        107

          108   EXT. FOREST - DAY                                           108
                Harold and Kumar are now sitting on top of the CHEETAH,
                smoking joints. Kumar has a belt around the cheetah's neck
                like reigns on a horse.

                                    HAROLD
                       Has it come to this?    Are we really gonna
                       ride this cheetah?

                                    KUMAR
                       Hey, cheetahs are the fastest animals on
                       the planet. It's as good as a car.
                Kumar takes one last drag of a joint and flicks it away.

                                    HAROLD
                       This is either a really smart move, or by
                       far the stupidest thing we've ever done.
                HAROLD puts his arms around KUMAR to hold on.    Kumar puts the
                bag of weed under his shirt...

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    85.

          

          

                                    KUMAR
                       Well, we'll soon find out.
                              (like to a snow dog)
                       Mush! Mush!

                SUDDENLY, THE CHEETAH DARTS OUT LIKE LIGHTENING WITH HAROLD

                AND KUMAR ON IT'S BACK. EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO

                SENSE, WE SEE THE CHEETAH ZOOMING PAST STREETS AND FORESTS.

                HAROLD AND KUMAR ARE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AS IT RACES ACROSS

                A MAJOR HIGHWAY...

                                    HAROLD
                       Dude, am I just really high or is this is
                       actually working?!

                                     KUMAR
                       Both!

                                    HAROLD
                       This is great! We'll be at White Castle
                       in no...

                SMACK! A BRANCH HITS HAROLD IN THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM OFF THE
                CHEETAH. Harold lands on the ground-- his head bleeding.
                His eyes slowly close as he goes unconscious...

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:

          109   EXT. THE LAND OF BURGERS - DAY                              109
                THE LAND OF BURGERS is an OZ-like world-- the entire terrain,
                with all it's rolling hills, IS MADE UP OF HAMBURGERS. Music
                plays as HAROLD and MARIA skip through THE LAND OF BURGERS,
                holding hands.
                Along the way, they run by...
                The BLACK GUYS from the BASKETBALL GAME, all waltzing with
                each other, in white tuxedos. HUGEST ANGRIEST BLACK GUY
                gives Harold the same scary look from before....
                FREAK SHOW is shoveling some burgers from the ground into a
                wheelbarrow. He waves to Harold and Maria. He then takes out
                a CHAINSAW and starts cutting off the arm he's waving with.
                KUMAR and the MALE NURSE, who are playing Twister, while
                getting high. After a spin of the wheel, Kumar reluctantly         
                gets in a position where it looks like he's taking the Male
                Nurse from behind. Kumar's not happy.
                Harold and Maria fall to the ground-- they roll down a hill,
                UNTIL HAROLD IS ON TOP OF MARIA. Harold picks up a burger
                from the ground. Maria does the same. They proceed to feed
                each other their burgers. They munch on them, looking into
                each other's eyes...

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   86.

          

          

                                    MARIA
                       I love you, Harold.

                                    HAROLD
                       I love you, Maria.
                MARIA gets up and runs away. HAROLD playfully chases her.
                Maria runs over to a FRENCH FRY TREE. SHE PLUCKS A COUPLE

                FRENCH FRIES FROM THE BRANCH AND FEEDS THEM TO HAROLD.             

                                    COLE (O.S.)
                       Wow, you guys are really extreme...
                HAROLD turns and sees COLE KAYAKING DOWN A NEARBY STREAM...

                                    COLE
                       ...extremely gay that is.

                SUDDENLY, AN ARROW GOES RIGHT THROUGH COLE'S NECK! BLOOD

                STARTS GUSHING OUT. HE FALLS OFF THE KAYAK, INTO THE WATER.
                HAROLD is shocked. He turns around and sees MARIA, HOLDING A
                CROSSBOW. She smiles at him. HE THEN JUMPS ON TOP OF HER

                AND THEY BEGIN MAKING LOVE ON TOP OF THE BURGERS...

                                    MARIA
                       Oh Harold! Yes! Yes! Oh, God-- you
                       have the biggest dick of all time! It's
                       so long! And wide, for that matter!
                Suddenly, Harold turns and sees the BURGER SHACK EMPLOYEE
                lying down near them. He is staring at them, with no
                expression on his face, with his hand down his pants--
                rubbing his penis furiously. Harold is disturbed.

                                    MARIA
                       Don't worry about him...
                MARIA rolls over so SHE'S ON TOP OF HAROLD. SHE STARTS

                LICKING HIS FACE, LIKE A DOG. WHEN SHE DOESN'T STOP LICKING,

                HAROLD STARTS GETTING A LITTLE CONFUSED...

          110   EXT. WOODS NEAR ROAD - 4:00 AM                              110
                HAROLD wakes up to find KUMAR LICKING HIS FACE.   HAROLD JUMPS

                AWAY FROM HIM...

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   87.

          

          

                              HAROLD
                 What the hell are you doing?!!!

                              KUMAR
                 I'm sorry! You've been out cold for the
                 past half-hour! I figured that maybe if
                 I did some gay shit you'd wake up.
          HAROLD wipes his face with his sleeve. He then gets up-- he
          sees that they are by a random road, all by themselves.

                              HAROLD
                 What happened to the cheetah?

                              KUMAR
                 It ran away. But forget about that. I
                 have some bad news and some worse news.

                              HAROLD
                        (nervous)
                 Tell me the worse news first.

                              KUMAR
                 I checked out some road signs. The
                 cheetah took us in the wrong direction.

                                HAROLD
                 That sucks.    What's the bad news?

                              KUMAR
                 Your laptop is completely destroyed.
          Kumar points to the laptop, which is outside of it's bag,
          broken in pieces.

                                HAROLD

                 WHAT????????

                              KUMAR
                 It smashed against a tree when you fell
                 off the cheetah.

                              HAROLD
                 Why the hell didn't you say that THAT was
                 the "worse news"?

                              KUMAR
                 Well, the laptop really only effects you.
                 Whereas the White Castle situation
                 effects both of us equally.

                              HAROLD
                 Oh no! No! No!

                              KUMAR
                 Don't worry, dude. Your laptop's insured.

          

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                                    HAROLD
                       It's not that! All my work was saved in
                       there! Now I gotta go back to the office
                       and re-do everything!

                                    KUMAR
                       Exactly. First, we'll take a cab over to
                       White Castle, then we'll...

                                    HAROLD
                       Forget White Castle.   There's no time!

                                    KUMAR
                       Come on, Rold! You can get that shit done
                       in a couple hours. We can't quit now!

                SUDDENLY, THEY HEAR LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE.

                HAROLD AND KUMAR SLOWLY TURN AROUND AND SEE...

                HAROLD'S CAR AIRBORNE AS IT SCALES A HILL!    THE CAR LANDS,

                CAUSING SPARKS TO FLY FROM THE SHOCKS.

          111   INT. HAROLD'S CAR                                           111

                NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS DRIVING THE CAR, SURROUNDED BY FOUR

                HOT COMPLETELY NAKED STRIPPERS.

                THE STRIPPERS ARE ALL OVER NEIL, KISSING HIS NECK, AND

                PASSING A JOINT AROUND.

                ONE OF THE STRIPPERS LIES ACROSS THE FRONT SEAT WITH HER ASS

                IN FRONT OF NEIL. ANOTHER STRIPPER POURS A LINE OF COCAINE ON

                THAT STRIPPER'S ASS. NEIL SNORTS THE COCAINE FROM THE

                STRIPPER'S ASS!!!

          112   EXT. STREET                                                 112
                Harold and Kumar stand there, speechless, as Neil drives
                right past them, splashing a puddle in Harold's face!
                They stand there, watching silently as NEIL drives off.
                Harold is now drenched. Muddy water drips from his hair and
                clothing. He gives Kumar a dirty look. Kumar knows he
                shouldn't push Harold any further.

                                    KUMAR
                       Fine...We'll find a pay phone and get a
                       cab back to your office.
                Harold, furious and almost in tears, simply nods "yes."

                                                           CUT TO:

          

                                  DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   89.

          

          

          112A   EXT. DIRT ROAD                                              112A
                 Kumar, disappointed, walks down the road with a miserable
                 Harold. When they reach the corner...

                                     KUMAR
                               (pointing)
                        Look, there's a Krispee Kreme.     We'll
                        call from there.

          113    EXT. KRISPEE KREME DONUTS                                    113
                 Harold and Kumar walk over to the parking lot. Unfortunately,
                 they notice a familiar YELLOW JEEP COVERED IN STICKERS.

                                        KUMAR
                        Oh great.     Here we go again.
                 COLE and the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS are hacky-sacking in the
                 parking lot. Their skateboards are sitting nearby.

                                     COLE (O.S.)
                               (to Kumar)
                        Hey Apu!
                 COLE laughs.   Kumar tries to ignore him...

                                     COLE
                        Who's running the Quik-E-Mart while
                        you're gone?
                 COLE pounds fists with his friends.

                                     KUMAR
                               (to Rold)
                        Fucking asshole.
                 Suddenly, HAROLD stops in his tracks. He's noticed something
                 through the Krispee Kreme window. He stops KUMAR and
                 points...

                                        HAROLD
                        Look!
                 Through the window, we see ROSENBERG and GOLDSTEIN inside,
                 sitting at a booth. They both have a dozen donuts and five
                 cartons of milk. It looks like they just sat down...
                 Goldstein savors his first bite of his POWDERED BLUEBERRY
                 FILLED DONUT and Rosenberg licks his fingers after his first
                 bite of his CHOCOLATE CREAM FILLED DONUT.
                 HAROLD and KUMAR watch through the window longingly...

          

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                              HAROLD
                        (yearning)
                 I want that.

                                KUMAR
                 What?    A chocolate cream filled?

                               HAROLD
                 No.  I want that feeling.
                        (beat)
                 The feeling that comes over a man when he
                 finally gets exactly what he desires.
                        (beat)
                 I NEED that feeling.

                              KUMAR
                 Are you saying what I think you're
                 saying?

                              HAROLD
                 We gotta go to White Castle.
          KUMAR gives HAROLD a hug.

                                KUMAR
                 Yes!    I knew you had it in you!
          Suddenly, Kumar notices something else inside. Someone else
          is sitting down at Rosenberg & Goldstein's table...

                              KUMAR
                 Is that Cindy Kim?
          Harold watches as Cindy Kim sits down next to Goldstein.
          Goldstein puts his arm around her and feeds her a piece of
          donut. It looks like Goldstein and Cindy are "an item."

                              KUMAR
                 You should have boned her when you had
                 the chance.
          Before Harold can respond, he's hit in the back of the head
          by a hacky sack! Cole and the Punks laugh at Harold.

                              HAROLD
                        (to Cole)
                 Hey, why don't you just leave us alone?

                             COLE
                 Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it,
                 Mr. Miagi?
          Cole gets in the CRANE POSITION a la THE KARATE KID...
          Harold is quiet for a moment as he looks at Cole's little
          racist routine. He then lets out a little laugh...

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   91.

          

          

                                    HAROLD
                       Nothing.
                Harold turns around and starts walking towards the Krispee
                Kreme entrance. Kumar follows. In the background Cole and the
                Punks are laughing about what a "pussy" Harold is.

                                    KUMAR
                              (pissed off, but
                               powerless)
                       Fuck! I'm so sick of their bullshit!

                                    HAROLD
                              (totally calm)
                       Don't worry. The universe tends to
                       unfold as it should.
                Kumar gives a "What the fuck is he talking about?" look.

                                    HAROLD
                       Besides, I have a plan.   Follow my
                       lead...

                                    KUMAR
                       Your lead?
                Harold walks past the Krispee Kreme entrance and heads
                towards the YELLOW JEEP at a brisk pace. KUMAR follows.

                SUDDENLY, HAROLD SNATCHES COLE'S KEYS FROM THE HOOD OF THE

                JEEP AND RUSHES INSIDE THE DRIVER'S SIDE.
                One of the Extreme Sports Punks sees Harold doing this...

                                     EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                       Hey, Cole!   Look!
                Cole turns to see Harold in his car. Kumar is about to get
                in the passenger's side. Cole and the Punks start running
                towards the car! Kumar sees this and quickly gets inside.
                HAROLD puts the car in reverse, nearly hitting the punks.

          114   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                     114
                Harold is shifting gears...

                                    KUMAR
                       What the hell are you doing?!

                                    HAROLD
                       I'm stealing their car.

                                    KUMAR
                       This is your plan?

                                    HAROLD
                       It's working isn't it?

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    92.

          

          
                Harold drives the car out of the parking lot.   Cole and the
                Punks give chase on their skateboards.

                                    KUMAR
                              (laughing)
                       Hey, slow down to like 25 mph, so they
                       think they have a chance to catch up.

          115   EXT. ROAD                                                   115
                Harold drives COLE'S JEEP down at a speed just slow enough
                for COLE and the PUNKS to think that they have a chance...

          116   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                     116
                Kumar then sticks his head out the window...

                                    KUMAR
                              (in thick Indian Accent)
                       Thank you, come again!
                Harold guns it-- leaving Cole and the Punks in the dust.

          117   EXT. ROAD                                                   117
                We see Cole and the Punks watching in disbelief as Harold and
                Kumar drive off with their car.

                                    EXTREME SPORTS PUNK #1
                       Dude, that was so NOT extreme!

                                    COLE
                       I know Extreme Sports Punk #1, I know.
                The Extreme Sports Punks walk away, leaving Cole by himself.

          118   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                     118
                HAROLD and KUMAR are laughing and slapping five.

                                    KUMAR
                       Victory is sweet! Nice job, Roldy!

                                    HAROLD
                       I had to do something.
                KUMAR begins sniffing something in the air...

                                     KUMAR
                       Wait.   Do you smell that?
                KUMAR keeps sniffing. He turns around to the back seat. He
                reaches back and picks something up from off the floor. It's
                a WHITE CASTLE bag. He pours out the contents and we see
                EMPTY WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER CARTONS fall onto Kumar's lap.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   93.

          

          

                                    KUMAR
                       Those assholes got to have White Castle?!

                                    HAROLD
                       This world is so unfair.

                                    KUMAR
                       Don't worry . Forget about that. We
                       have a car now. We're back in the game.
                       Pretty soon we'll be eating our own White
                       Castle. Want me to drive?

                                    HAROLD
                       No. I've got everything under control. We
                       should be able to get there with enough
                       time for me to get my work done after our
                       feast. Just find us some tunes.
                A tape is resting in the tape deck.   KUMAR pushes it in...
                HAROLD and KUMAR look at each other amazed that COLE has some
                lame chick song on his tape.

                                    KUMAR
                       Those guys are fucking posers!

          119   EXT. HIGHWAY                                               119
                We see COLE'S YELLOW JEEP speeding along the highway. We see
                signs indicating they're getting closer to Cherry Hill...

          120   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                    120
                Harold and Kumar are now listening to another lame chick
                song. While they aren't fully embracing the song, it's clear
                they're kind of enjoying it.

          121   EXT. HIGHWAY                                               121
                The guys take the Cherry Hill exit.

          122   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                    122
                Harold and Kumar are singing along passionately to a third
                lame chick song.

          123   EXT. HIGHWAY - 6:25 A.M.                                   123

                A SIGN READS "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING CHERRY HILL."

          124   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                    124

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, we're almost there!

          

                                DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   94.

          

          

          125   EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD                                       125
                They're speeding down a road lined by forests on both sides.
                We see the Jeep speeds by a COP CAR...

          126   INT. COP CAR - 6:30 A.M.                                    126
                OFFICER BRUCKS (middle-aged, tough, toothpick in his mouth)
                sees the yellow jeep speed by. He reloads his rifle...

                                      OFFICER BRUCKS
                       Bingo.

          127   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                     127
                HAROLD and KUMAR are still singing...
                All of a sudden, HAROLD and KUMAR hear a POLICE SIREN.

                                      KUMAR
                       Oh shit!
                KUMAR turns around and sees the police car behind them.

          128   INT. COP CAR                                                128
                OFFICER BRUCKS is speaking into his POLICE RADIO.

                                    OFFICER BRUCKS
                       I found them. And I'm gonna need back-up.

          129   EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD                                       129
                The COP CAR is tailing the Jeep. The Jeep pulls away...

          130   INT. COP CAR                                                130
                Officer Brucks sees the jeep pull away...

                                    OFFICER BRUCKS
                              (into police radio)
                       Oh boy! We got a chase on our hands!

          131   INT. COLE'S YELLOW JEEP                                     131
                HAROLD looks determined as he puts the pedal to the metal.

                                    KUMAR
                       What are you doing?!

                                    HAROLD
                       I'm not going back to jail!     We've come
                       too far! Now buckle up.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   95.

          

          

                                     KUMAR
                       Buckle up?
                Kumar buckles his seat belt.   HAROLD MAKES A SHARP TURN...

          132   EXT. CHERRY HILL ROAD                                      132
                The YELLOW JEEP goes around a turn in the road and then CUTS

                INTO THE FOREST, DISAPPEARING IN THE WOODS...
                We then see the COP CAR go around the turn. It passes by the
                point where HAROLD and KUMAR entered the forest.

          133   INT. COP CAR                                               133
                From OFFICER BRUCKS'S POV, we see that he has a long stretch
                ahead, with no cars in sight.

                                    OFFICER BRUCKS
                       What the hell?
                He puts his foot on the brakes, bringing the car to a
                screeching halt.
                OFFICER BRUCKS gets out of the car and looks around wondering
                where the YELLOW JEEP went. HE THEN HEARS THE SOUND OF

                BRANCHES CRACKING IN THE WOODS...

          134   EXT. WOODS - 6:35 A.M.                                     134
                The Jeep bounces up and down as it heads uphill in the woods.

          135   INT. JEEP                                                  135
                Harold is holding onto the wheel for dear life. Kumar is
                scared as shit. They're both bouncing up and down.

                                    KUMAR
                       Where the hell are we going?!

                                    HAROLD
                       Just hold on!

          136   EXT. WOODS                                                 136
                The Jeep continues going uphill, higher and higher...

          137   INT. JEEP                                                  137
                Harold and Kumar are still bouncing up and down...

                                    KUMAR
                       It's a good thing I have an empty
                       stomach, or else I'd puke right now!

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   96.

          

          

                                     HAROLD
                        Don't worry. We're gonna make it.
                        Everything's gonna be...

                THEY NOTICE THEY'RE ABOUT TO DRIVE OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF.

                            HAROLD                             KUMAR
                Shit!                               Fuck!

                HAROLD HITS THE BRAKES AS HARD AS HE CAN...

          138   EXT. CLIFF - 6:40 AM                                        138
                We see the jeep stop just short of the cliff. Harold and
                Kumar get out of the jeep and walk over to the edge of the
                cliff and look down. IT'S A VERY STEEP DROP.

                SUDDENLY, KUMAR SEES SOMETHING OUT IN THE DISTANCE...

                                    KUMAR
                              (pointing)
                        Rold! Look out there!

                HAROLD LOOKS TO WHERE KUMAR IS POINTING-- IT'S A WHITE CASTLE

                WAY DOWN BELOW, ABOUT A MILE AWAY.

                THEY THEN HEAR A POLICE SIREN COMING FROM BACK IN THE WOODS.

                                      HAROLD
                        Oh shit!   We're trapped!
                Kumar notices something...

                                     KUMAR
                        Not necessarily.
                KUMAR walks over to the JEEP and points to the HANG-GLIDER...

                                     HAROLD
                        No. No way. Not a chance.       I'd rather
                        turn myself in than die.

                                     KUMAR
                        Dude, it's okay. I used to hang-glide
                        with my dad all the time when I was kid.
                        I know how to do it.

                                     HAROLD
                        You hang-glided? I don't remember that.

                                     KUMAR
                        We did it on our trips   to India. I
                        swear. I know exactly    what I'm doing.
                        I've even done it with   two people at the
                        same time. My brother    and I did it.

                                     (MORE)

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003       97.
                              KUMAR (cont'd)
                 Just hold onto the outside bars and let
                 me take care of the rest.

                              HAROLD
                 No, Kumar. I'm not risking my life over
                 a bunch of hamburgers.
          KUMAR walks over to HAROLD and stares him in the eye...

                              KUMAR
                 You think this just about the burgers,
                 huh? Well, let me tell you-- it's about
                 far more than that.
          KUMAR walks over to the edge of the cliff and looks out onto
          the EARLY MORNING HORIZON. The sun is still rising. The
          scene is very picturesque...

                              KUMAR
                 Our parents came to this country,
                 escaping persecution, poverty, and
                 hunger. Hunger, Harold. They were very,
                 very hungry. And they wanted to live in
                 a land that treated them as equals. A
                 land where their kids could study and get
                 into good colleges. A land filled with
                 hamburger stands. And not just one type
                 of hamburger. Hundreds of types-- with
                 different sizes, toppings, and
                 condiments. That land was America.

          THE POLICE SIREN IS GETTING LOUDER...

                              KUMAR
                        (turning to Rold)
                 You think this is just about the burgers?
                 No. This is about achieving what our
                 parents set out for. This is about the
                 pursuit of happiness. This is about the
                 American dream.
          KUMAR walks over to HAROLD.

                               KUMAR
                 And so we've reached this point. The
                 point which all men eventually have to
                 face. The point of no return.
                        (beat)
                 We can stay here, get arrested and end
                 our hopes of ever going to White Castle.
                 Or we can take the hang-glider and make
                 our leap towards freedom. I leave the
                 decision up to you.
          From the sound of the sirens, it seems that the police are
          getting closer. Harold turns back, facing Kumar...

          

                              DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    98.

          

          

                                    HAROLD
                       I hate you, Kumar.

          139   EXT. NEAR THE CLIFF - 6:45 AM                                139

                HAROLD AND KUMAR ARE ABOUT FIFTEEN YARDS FROM THE CLIFF,

                HOLDING THE HANG-GLIDER. THE SIRENS ARE GETTING LOUDER...

                                    HAROLD
                       Hurry up...they're almost here!

                                    KUMAR
                       Grab onto the end of the bars and hold on
                       tight.
                HAROLD does as he's told. They are both holding onto the
                bars (Harold behind Kumar).

                                    KUMAR
                       Okay. Here's how this is gonna work. On
                       the count of three, we're gonna run to
                       the edge of the cliff. When I say
                       "jump," launch yourself forward as if you
                       were diving into a pool, got it?

                                    HAROLD
                              (nervous)
                       I think so.

                                    KUMAR
                       Don't worry-- everything's gonna be fine.
                       Are you ready?
                HAROLD's too nervous to speak.   KUMAR gets into position.

                                    KUMAR
                       Okay, here goes. One...two...three!
                HAROLD and KUMAR START RUNNING TOWARDS THE CLIFF.

                                    KUMAR
                       Good job, Rold! Keep running!

                THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER...

                                    KUMAR
                       Rold, there's something I gotta tell you.
                       I've never hang-glided before.

                                    HAROLD

                       WHAT???

                                    KUMAR

                       JUMP!!!

                HAROLD AND KUMAR JUMP OFF, JUST AS THE COP CAR ARRIVES.

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES       MAY 28 2003   99.

          

          
                 The hang glider coasts through the air for a couple seconds.

                 THEN, SUDDENLY, THE GUYS START GOING DOWN AT A SHARP ANGLE!

                             HAROLD                            KUMAR

                 AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!                   AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

                 JUST THEN, THE HANG GLIDER CATCHES ONTO THE WIND AND STARTS

                 GLIDING THROUGH THE SKY.

                                       HAROLD
                        Oh my God!    Oh my God!   Oh my God!

                                     KUMAR
                        Dude, it's working!

                                     HAROLD
                        I can't believe you lied to me!

                                     KUMAR
                        Hey, how else was I gonna convince you to
                        jump off a cliff?

          140    EXT. CLIFF - 6:46 AM                                          140
                 OFFICER BRUCKS gets out of the car, holding his rifle and
                 runs over to the jeep. He looks inside...

                                     OFFICER BRUCKS
                               (to the walkie-talkie)
                        It appears they've escaped. They ditched
                        their jeep.
                 OFFICER BRUCKS opens the front door of the car and peers
                 inside. He notices THE BAG OF WEED ON THE DASHBOARD. He
                 opens it and TASTES SOME WEED in the same way a drug cop
                 would taste cocaine during a bust.

                                     OFFICER BRUCKS
                               (to the walkie-talkie)
                        Good news. I found enough dope in the
                        car to send those skateboard punks to
                        jail for the next couple years. Looks
                        like they've terrorized their last
                        convenience store.
                 Suddenly, Officer Brucks realizes that the taste in his mouth
                 is strangely appealing. He thinks for a beat as he eyes the
                 bag of weed. He then takes another taste of it. He looks
                 again at the bag. Like Kumar, we can tell that he's in
                 love...

          140A   EXT. OLD PICK UP TRUCK - DAY (FANTASY)                       140A
                 OFFICER BRUCKS and the BAG OF WEED drink bottles of BUDWEISER
                 while sitting in the back of a PICKUP TRUCK.

          

                                DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003    100.

          

          

          140B   EXT. SKEET SHOOTING RANGE - DAY (FANTASY)                   140B
                 BRUCKS is skeet shooting, as the BAG OF WEED watches.      Brucks
                 gives the bag a kiss, after a successful round.

          140C   INT. BARN - NIGHT (FANTASY)                                 140C
                 BRUCKS is having sex with the bag doggy-style.    He slaps it's
                 "ass" as he goes.

                                                             DISSOLVE TO:

          140D   EXT. CLIFF - NIGHT (BACK TO REALITY)                        140D
                 BRUCKS hugs and caresses the BAG OF WEED, as he's lost in the
                 fantasy.

          141    EXT. MID-AIR - 6:50 AM                                       141
                 Our triumphant heros are gliding across the morning sky.
                 Harold and Kumar look down as they soar above the trees...

                                     HAROLD
                        Dude, we're so high right now.

                                     KUMAR
                        We're not low.
                 They continue gliding though the sky for a while...

                                       HAROLD
                        Hey, Kumar?

                                       KUMAR
                        Yeah?

                                     HAROLD
                        How are we gonna get down?

                                     KUMAR
                        Uh...well...I guess it's just gonna go
                        down at some point.

                                     HAROLD
                        That's a great answer. Made me feel
                        really comfortable. Thanks a lot.
                 KUMAR looks down as they fly over a playground.

                                     HAROLD
                        Is it a problem if we fly into birds?

                                     KUMAR
                        Why do you ask?

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003    101.

          

          

                              HAROLD
                 Because we're about to!
          KUMAR looks up and sees at least A HUNDRED CROWS FLYING

          STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM.

                               KUMAR
                 Oh shit!
          HAROLD AND KUMAR FLY RIGHT INTO THE CROWS.   Numerous birds
          collide with their faces...

                               HAROLD
                 Ahhhh!   My eyes! Don't peck out my eyes!

          THE BIRDS CAUSE THE HANG-GLIDER TO GO AGAINST THE WIND,

          SENDING HAROLD AND KUMAR DOWN FAST. THEY ARE SCREAMING AND

          YELLING AS THEY PLUMMET...

                              KUMAR
                 We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

                               HAROLD
                 I hate you!   I hate you so much!

          THE HANG-GLIDER FALLS STRAIGHT INTO A TREE AND GETS CAUGHT IN

          THE BRANCHES. THEY APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN SAVED.

                               KUMAR
                 We're gonna live! Ha! Ha! We're gonna
                 live!
                        (beat)
                 You see, Rold? That wasn't so bad.

          SNAP!!! THE BRANCH BREAKS OFF, SENDING HAROLD AND KUMAR

          STRAIGHT DOWN. THEY FALL ABOUT THIRTY FEET, THUMPING ON

          BRANCHES AS THEY FALL...

          SMACK!!! THEY HIT THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY START ROLLING

          DOWN A HILL. THEY CONTINUE ROLLING...ROLLING...ROLLING...

          FINALLY-- THEY STOP ROLLING WHEN THEY HIT HARD PAVEMENT.
          HAROLD gets up before he can catch his breath...

                              HAROLD
                        (breathing heavily)
                 That's it...I'm gonna kill you...

          HAROLD GRABS KUMAR BY THE NECK AND STARTS CHOKING HIM!

                              KUMAR
                 Stop...I...can't...breathe...

                              HAROLD
                 That's the point!

          

                               DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   102.

          

          

                HAROLD CONTINUES STRANGLING KUMAR, WHO NOTICES SOMETHING...

                                      KUMAR
                       Rold...

                                    HAROLD
                       You're gonna die!

                                    KUMAR
                              (pointing)
                       Rold...look!

                HAROLD TURNS AROUND. HE RELEASES KUMAR FROM HIS GRIP. KUMAR

                STARTS CATCHING HIS BREATH. HAROLD STANDS UP. SOON AFTER,

                KUMAR STANDS UP. KUMAR THEN PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HAROLD...

                                    KUMAR
                       We made it, dude.

                FROM HAROLD AND KUMAR'S POV, WE SEE THE WHITE CASTLE IN FRONT

                OF THEM. THEY ARE STANDING IN THE PARKING LOT. HAROLD AND

                KUMAR SLOWLY WALK OVER TO THE ENTRANCE.

                THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER-- THEY'RE TOO HAPPY TO SMILE,

                BUT THEIR EYES SAY IT ALL. THEY ENTER THE RESTAURANT...

          142   INT. WHITE CASTLE - 7:00 AM                                  142
                Harold and Kumar walk inside. Their shirts are torn and
                tattered, their bodies are scratched up, and they're covered
                in dirt. Everyone in the restaurant turns and stares at them.
                They approach the counter, where A TEENAGER STANDING...

                                    TEENAGER
                       Looks like you guys had some night, huh?
                Harold and Kumar look at each other, and then back at the
                teenager. Their expressions are stone cold...

                                    HAROLD
                       I want thirty slyders. I want five french
                       fries. I want four large Cherry cokes.

                                      KUMAR
                       Same.    Only make mine Diet Cokes.

                                    TEENAGER
                       Wow. That comes to...forty-two dollars
                       and seventy-five cents.
                HAROLD and KUMAR take out their WALLETS.     THEY OPEN THEM UP.

                THE WALLETS ARE EMPTY!

                                    HAROLD
                       Hey...hey...hey...where's my money?!

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   103.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 You don't have money?! Shit, I gave all
                 mine to that asshole at Princeton! Fuck
                 that hippie fuck! This can't be
                 happening! We're so close and we're
                 fucking broke!

                              MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
                 Let me take care of it.
          HAROLD and KUMAR turn around and see NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
          finishing his coke. He throws it in the trash. HAROLD and
          KUMAR are stunned.

                              KUMAR
                 What are you doing here?

                              NEIL
                 You guys kept talking about White Castle
                 last night. It made me start craving it
                 too.

                              HAROLD
                 Where's my fucking car you prick!

                              NEIL
                 Yeah. Sorry about that. Like I said, I
                 was tripping balls last night. I don't
                 know what came over me. Your car's out
                 in the parking lot. Here are the keys.
          NEIL tosses HAROLD the car keys.

                              KUMAR
                 Do you realize what we had to go through
                 after you stole the car?

                              NEIL
                 I know. It was a dick move on my part.
                 That's why I'm paying for your meal.
          Harold and Kumar look at each other, relieved.

                              HAROLD
                 Thanks, I guess.
          NEIL hands them some cash...

                              NEIL
                 Here's fifty for the meal, and two
                 hundred for the car.

                              HAROLD
                        (concerned)
                 What happened to the car?

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES    MAY 28 2003   104.

          

          

                              NEIL
                 I made some love stains in the back seat.
                 You'll see. Anyway, take it easy guys.
                 I'll see you around.

                              HAROLD
                 Where are you going?

                              NEIL
                 Wherever God takes me.
          With that, NEIL walks out of the restaurant.   HAROLD and
          KUMAR look at each other, confused.

                              TEENAGER
                 Hey guys...it's gonna take a little while
                 to make all those burgers. You might as
                 well sit down.
          HAROLD and KUMAR walk over to a booth and take a seat.

                              KUMAR
                 Dude, we're here. Isn't it great?

                              HAROLD
                 I know. I can't believe we made it. AND
                 we got the car back! If we can just get
                 out of here in a half hour, I can get
                 back to my office and get the work done.

                               KUMAR
                 Hey, look!
          KUMAR points to a TV in the corner of the restaurant.    On the
          screen we see A MORNING NEWS SHOW.

          ON THE TELEVISION:

          A FEMALE ANCHOR IS REPORTING THE NEWS...

                              FEMALE ANCHOR
                 Today's top story...Rutgers professor
                 Tarik Jackson and attorney Nathaniel
                 Banks are suing the state of New Jersey
                 for racial discrimination and police
                 brutality. We go live to the municipal
                 state courthouse in Muckleburg...
          Tarik and Nathaniel have a bunch of microphones in front of
          them...

                              TARIK
                 What happened last night was a complete
                 moral travesty. My family and I are
                 outraged and will not settle for anything
                 less than justice...

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   105.

          

          
          We see Tarik joined by his parents (Two Old Gay Black Men--
          one is comforting the other). Nathaniel walks in front of
          the microphone...

                              NATHANIEL
                        (very professional)
                 And by justice, we mean somewhere in the
                 ballpark of ten million dollars....

          INT. WHITE CASTLE

                              HAROLD
                        (to Kumar)
                 Hey, good for those black guys!

          ON THE TELEVISION:
          We see footage of OFFICER PALUMBO and THE OTHER COPS taken
          away in handcuffs...

                              OFFICER PALUMBO
                 I'm not racist! This is bullshit! If
                 those black bastards think they're gonna
                 get away with this, they've got another
                 thing coming! Me and my white buddies
                 are gonna [bleep] them up!
          Officer Palumbo gets shoved forcefully into the back of a
          police car.
          Harold and Kumar enjoy this.

          ON THE TELEVISION:

                              FEMALE ANCHOR
                 This just in...police have arrested a
                 gang of hooligans...
          We see a picture of COLE and the EXTREME SPORTS PUNKS in the
          corner of the screen.

                              FEMALE ANCHOR
                 ...after they found their abandoned car
                 in the forest in Clifton, containing a
                 large bag of marijuana. The young men
                 could face up to five years in prison.

          INT. WHITE CASTLE
          HAROLD and KUMAR slap five.

          ON THE TELEVISION:

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES     MAY 28 2003   106.

          

          

                                    FEMALE ANCHOR
                       And finally...the Muckleburg Police
                       Department has informed us that they ARE
                       STILL looking for ANOTHER FUGITIVE who
                       escaped from the Police Station last
                       night, along with a companion, believed
                       to be his accomplice...

                INT. WHITE CASTLE
                HAROLD'S JAW DROPS. He's scared shitless.

                ON THE TELEVISION:

                                    FEMALE ANCHOR
                       Police have made the following sketch of
                       the two fugitives, which they believe to
                       be quote "extremely accurate."

                ON THE SCREEN, WE SEE A HORRIBLE POLICE SKETCH OF "HAROLD"
                and "KUMAR"-- IT IS BASICALLY AN ASIAN MAN IN HIS SEVENTIES

                WHO LOOKS LIKE CONFUCIOUS; THE KUMAR SKETCH IS AN OLD INDIAN

                MAN WITH A JEWEL ON HIS FOREHEAD, WEARING A TURBAN.

                INT. WHITE CASTLE

                HAROLD AND KUMAR BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF.

                                    TEENAGER
                              (to Harold and Kumar)
                       Hey, guys...I got your orders!
                HAROLD and KUMAR run out of the booth.

          151   INT. WHITE CASTLE - MOMENTS LATER                            151
                HAROLD and KUMAR have put three tables together, on which we
                see SIXTY WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGERS-- EACH ONE STEAMING HOT.
                TWO GOOD-LOOKING GUYS (JON and HAYDEN) stare at Harold and          
                Kumar's orders, amazed by their size. They then look at             
                their own orders and realize how worthless they are.                
                HAROLD and KUMAR are sitting across from one another, looking
                at the smorgasbord in front of them. HAROLD IS ABOUT TO DIG

                IN, BUT KUMAR STOPS HIM...

                                    KUMAR
                       Wait...let's do it together.

                HAROLD NODS. THE GUYS ARE HAVING A MOMENT. HAROLD AND KUMAR

                EACH PICK UP A BURGER. SLOWLY, THEY BRING THE BURGERS TO

                THEIR MOUTHS...CLOSER...CLOSER...CLOSER...

                HAROLD AND KUMAR TAKE THEIR FIRST BITE.   THEY SAVOR IT IN

                THEIR MOUTHS AS THEY CHEW SLOWLY.

          

                      DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   106A.

          

          THEY FINISH THE REST OF THEIR FIRST BURGERS IN ONE BITE, AND

          THEN QUICKLY EAT TWO MORE...

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   107.

          

          

                WE SEE A BRIEF MONTAGE OF HAROLD AND KUMAR SCARFING DOWN THE

                BURGERS AND FRIES. THEY'RE CRYING TEARS OF JOY!

          152   INT. WHITE CASTLE - 7:45 AM                               152
                HAROLD and KUMAR have finished their meals. They both look
                full and satisfied. Harold takes one last sip of his soda.

                                    HAROLD
                       Oh...that hit the spot.

                                    KUMAR
                       It was the best meal of my life.

                                    HAROLD
                       Mine too.
                The two of them sit there, looking at all the empty
                containers and wrappers. After a long pause of silence,
                KUMAR speaks...

                                    KUMAR
                       Dude, you know what? I think I may
                       actually go to my interview today.

                                    HAROLD
                       Seriously?

                                    KUMAR
                       Yeah. You know, my whole life I've been
                       afraid being just another nerdy Indian
                       guy turned doctor. Well, tonight got me
                       thinking...

                SUDDENLY, HAROLD NOTICES A CONVERTIBLE PARKING OUTSIDE THE

                RESTAURANT-- IT'S BILLY AND J.D. WITH TWO WOMEN.

                                    KUMAR
                       There are far worse things in the world
                       than being tagged for having a natural
                       ability in medicine...
                HAROLD pretends to be listening to KUMAR-- BUT HE IS MORE
                FOCUSED ON BILLY AND J.D., who get out of the car with their
                women and start walking towards the front door.

                                    KUMAR
                       Like having boils all over your face. Or
                       dealing with the shit those black guys
                       had to go through.

                                    HAROLD
                              (not paying attention)
                       Uh-huh.

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   108.

          

          

                              KUMAR
                 Besides, I have to admit, it felt pretty
                 cool saving that guy's life last night.
                 Somewhere between that, getting yelled at
                 by my dad, and seeing Neil Patrick
                 Harris, I realized that I've always
                 wanted to be a doctor-- I've just been
                 too scared to admit it.
          KUMAR sees that HAROLD isn't paying attention...

                              KUMAR
                 Hey, Rold, are you listening to me?   I'm
                 having a major epiphany here.

                              HAROLD
                 I'll be right back...
          At that moment, BILLY and J.D. walk in the restaurant with
          their women, ZOE and TRACY, respectively. TRACY looks like
          some bimbo slut that J.D. picked up at a strip club. ZOE, On
          the other hand, has a sweet RENEE ZELLWEGER quality about
          her. She and Billy are the perfect Hollywood couple...

                              J.D.
                 Hey, Billy-- you paying for this or what?

                              BILLY
                 I'll be there in a second...
          J.D. and TRACY check out the menu. BILLY takes ZOE aside--
          whatever their story is, it seems to have reached the "you
          complete me" moment...

                              BILLY
                 Look, I have to admit something to you.
                 At the start of last night, all I really
                 cared about was getting some. But then I
                 met you, Zoe. You're so different from
                 all the other women I've ever met.
                 You're smart, funny, artistic. I guess
                 what I'm trying to say is...

                              HAROLD (O.S.)
                 What the fuck is going on here?
          BILLY turns around and sees HAROLD...

                               BILLY
                 Harold?   What are you...?

                              HAROLD
                 Never mind me. What are you doing here?
                 I thought you and J.D. were busy all
                 night with "clients." Isn't that why I
                 had to do YOUR work?

          

                       DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   109.

          

          
          J.D. hears the commotion and turns around...

                              J.D.
                 Hey! What the hell is going on here?

                              HAROLD
                 Back off, cock boy! What I have to say
                 to him goes double for you!
          KUMAR sees what's going on-- he can't believe it.

                              J.D.
                 Cock boy? I'm sorry, but did you just
                 call me "cock boy?"

                              HAROLD
                 Yeah, you know I did. You're just
                 stalling because you're not quick enough
                 to think of a comeback.

                               J.D.
                 Oh, I'm not quick enough?
                        (to Billy)
                 He thinks I'm not quick enough.
                        (to Harold)
                 Well, I got news for you...
                        (long beat, thinking)
                 I am quick enough...
                        (beat)
                 ...cock boy!
          J.D. is embarrassed. BILLY tries to placate the situation.

                              BILLY
                 Listen Harry...

                              J.D.
                        (to Billy)
                 Don't even bother with him.   We'll just
                 tell Berenson later...

                              HAROLD
                 Tell him what? That I'm your work horse!
                 That you guys think you can just party
                 all weekend and leave all your work to
                 the quiet Asian guy in your office! Huh?
          J.D. is stunned.   Now he's a little nervous.

                              J.D.
                 No, no-- you don't understand...

                              HAROLD
                 No, YOU don't understand. I'm not doing
                 your work anymore.

                              (MORE)

          

                            DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003       110.
                                    HAROLD (cont'd)
                       And if either one of you douchebags ever
                       tries to pull this shit again, I'll go to
                       Berenson and tell him what's really going
                       on.
                Harold notices Traci and Zoe listening...

                                    HAROLD
                       And I'll tell everyone in the office how
                       you both caught gonorrhea from that
                       whore.
                TRACI and ZOE hear this and are freaked out.   They slowly
                back away from BILLY and J.D....

                                    HAROLD
                       Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get
                       going. See you on Monday.
                HAROLD leaves the RESTAURANT. KUMAR follows.     Billy and J.D.
                are left embarrassed and in shock.

          153   EXT. WHITE CASTLE PARKING LOT                                153
                HAROLD and KUMAR walk over to Harold's Infiniti...

                                    KUMAR
                       Way to go, Rold! Where the hell did that
                       come from?

                                    HAROLD
                       I don't know. Eating those delicious
                       burgers made me feel like a new man. Now
                       I'm actually looking forward to work this
                       week.

                                    KUMAR
                       No shit! I guess you're worthwhile after
                       all.

                                    HAROLD
                       I'm not worthless.

                                    KUMAR
                       So those dudes have gonorrhea?

                                     HAROLD
                       Beats me.
                              (beat)
                       Now, come on, let's get going.

                                    KUMAR
                       What's the rush? There's plenty of time
                       before my interview.

          

                             DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003     111.

          

          

                                    HAROLD
                       I have some unfinished business to take
                       care of.
                They both get into the car (Harold gets in the driver's
                side). The car zooms out...

          154   OMIT                                                        154

          155   EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOT - 9:00 AM                       155

                HAROLD'S WHITE INFINITI PULLS INTO TO A SPACE RIGHT IN FRONT

                OF THE BUILDING.

          156   OMIT                                                        156

          157   INT. HALLWAY BY THE ELEVATOR - 9:02 AM                      157
                The elevator doors open. Harold and Kumar exit. Kumar gives
                Harold a pat on the back...

                                    KUMAR
                       Good luck, dude.
                KUMAR stands behind, while HAROLD approaches MARIA'S door.

                HAROLD TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND THEN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR...

                THERE IS TENSION AS HAROLD WAITS. THEN, FINALLY, THE DOOR

                KNOB BEGINS TO TURN AND THE DOOR OPENS--

                A GOOD-LOOKING, MUSCULAR HISPANIC MAN (LUIS) IS STANDING

                BEHIND THE DOOR WEARING ONLY HIS BOXERS. HE HAS LIPSTICK ALL

                OVER HIS NECK AND CHEST...

                                    LUIS
                       What do you want?

                A LOOK OF EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT GOES OVER HAROLD'S FACE.

          

          

                                    HAROLD
                              (lying)
                       Oh...uh...nothing...wrong room.

                                    WOMAN (O.C.)
                       Come back to bed!

                                    LUIS
                              (calling to woman)
                       Hey, Papi's coming! Hold on!
                              (to Harold, laughing)
                       This girl is crazy, man.

                                    (MORE)

          

                      DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES MAY 28 2003       112.
                              LUIS (cont'd)
                 She seemed so sweet at first, but it
                 turns out she's into some pretty freaky
                 shit. She even did this thing where she
                 took a lollipop and shoved it...

                              HAROLD
                        (grossed out/depressed)
                 Look, I really don't need to hear it. I
                 guess I just made a mistake. Sorry for
                 interrupting you guys...
          Harold starts to walk away, almost crying. SAD, DEPRESSING
          MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. Kumar feels sorry for his friend.
          Just then, Luis leans his head out the door...

                              LUIS
                 Hey-- if you're looking for Maria, she
                 left for Europe this morning.
          Harold quickly turns around and runs back over.

                               HAROLD
                 Huh?

                              LUIS
                 She's going to Amsterdam for ten days.
                 I'm Luis -- Maria's brother.
          Luis shakes Harold's hand.    Harold suddenly feels better.

                                HAROLD
                 Oh!    Maria's brother!

                              LUIS
                 You must be that Chinese guy Maria keeps
                 talking about.

                              HAROLD
                 Actually, I'm Kor...wait a second-- she
                 talks about me?
          A HOT BLACK CHICK (AISHA), wearing only a bra and g-string,
          walks over to Luis and wraps her arms around him...

                              AISHA
                 Are you coming or what?

                              LUIS
                 Hey, I'll be there in a second, baby. Do
                 me a favor-- make me that omelette you
                 were talking about. You know, with the
                 sun-dried tomatoes.
          Aisha kisses him, and walks away to the kitchen. Luis gives
          her a little a slap on the ass. Harold doesn't quite know
          how to respond to this.

          

                        DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   113.

          

          

                              LUIS
                        (to Harold)
                 So you want me to leave her a message or
                 something?

                              HAROLD
                 Uh, no thanks. I'd rather do it in
                 person.

                              LUIS
                 Then take it easy, hermano.
          Luis shuts the door.    Kumar runs over to Harold...

                              KUMAR
                 Dude...we gotta go!

                                 HAROLD
                 Huh?   Where?

                              KUMAR
                 To Amsterdam! We can pack up right now
                 and take the next plane.

                              HAROLD
                 What are you talking about? Are you out
                 of your mind? What about your interview
                 with the med school guy?

                              KUMAR
                 Whatever. I'll tell my dad to reschedule
                 it. He won't have a problem, as long as
                 I'm taking it seriously for a change.
                 Now, let's fly to Europe and find Maria!

                              HAROLD
                 She's coming back in ten days! It's not
                 like I'm never gonna see her again.

                              KUMAR
                 For a hot chick, ten days in Europe is
                 the kiss of death. There are gonna be
                 suave, sophisticated guys all over her.
                 By the time she gets back, she may not be
                 available.
          Harold feels a little nervous about what Kumar is saying.

                               HAROLD
                 Forget it.   I'll just wait till she comes
                 back.
          Harold starts to walk away from Kumar...

                               KUMAR
                 Hey, Rold!   Wait!

          

                                DOUBLE WHITE REVISED PAGES   MAY 28 2003   114.

          

          
                Harold stops.

                                    KUMAR
                       You do realize what's legal in Amsterdam,
                       right?

                HAROLD TURNS AROUND. KUMAR HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.

                SLOWLY, BUT SURELY, HAROLD STARTS TO SMILE AS WELL.

                THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.    "TO BE CONTINUED..."

                                                             FADE OUT.