Heathers Movie Script
HEATHERS An Original Screenplay by Daniel Waters REVISED SECOND DRAFT Registered WGAW November 17, 1987 FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty is jogging down a suburban street in a stylish running outfit. Evocative female voices can be heard, softly wailing. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK--DAY VERONICA lurches into a neighborhood park, running with an increasing sense of desperation. The female voices wail louder. EXT. PROMENADE--DAY VERONICA whooshes past a series of shops and a movie theatre. EXT. THE SAWYER HOME--DAY Reveling in her own sweat and agony, VERONICA bounds onto the lawn of her impressive upper middle class home. She painfully rushes closer and closer to the front door as the female moans swell to a deafening summit. The evocative wailing cuts off as she grabs the doorknob. INY. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY VERONICA zips into a chic, but understated ensemble as she launches into voice-over narration. VERONICA (V.O.) Heather told me she teaches people Real Life. Composed and unsweaty, VERONICA fingers her bangs in the mirror then rambles off. INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling high school hallway with a frozen smile. VERONICA (V.O.) She said Real Life sucks Losers dry. If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. OUTSIDE THE CAFETERIA With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle. VERONICA (V.O.) I said so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly. She said Yes. THE DIARY PAGE VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words echoed by her voice-over. VERONICA (V.O.) I said You're Beautiful. A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen to recklessly rocket across the written words. HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.) God, come on Veronica! VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful, trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA. VERONICA What's your damage, Heather? You ruined my... HEATHER MCNAMARA God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me, blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto. Back me up, Heather. From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE. She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye." HEATHER DUKE Yeah, she really wants to talk to you. VERONICA Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus... INSIDE THE CAFETERIA VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE, strides into the lunchroom pandemonium. The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied back. VERONICA (submissively) Hello, Heather. Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic bitch. HEATHER CHANDLER Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting and we'll slip it into Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray. VERONICA Shit, Heather. I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock. HEATHER CHANDLER You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be Very. The note'll give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks. VERONICA I'll think about it. HEATHER CHANDLER (looking off) Don't think. POV ON CAFETERIA LINE Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in line. CAFETERIA ENTRANCE VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the outstretched pen. HEATHER CHANDLER Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over. Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER CHANDLER violently laughs. HEATHER CHANDLER How nice. Two assholes: no waiting. HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed. HEATHER CHANDLER Heather Duke, back down. VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE. HEATHER CHANDLER Dear Martha, you're so sweet.. THE JOCKS' TABLE The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY, the serene black EARL FRAZIER and the massive RAM sit with other stereotypical Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS. KURT It'd be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler sandwich. Punch it in, Ram. KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists together. RAM Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on my Johnson and just start spinning her like a fucking pinwheel. RAM makes a frantic spinning motion. EARL is bored. EARL Shit. Right. RAM Damn right right. CAFETERIA ENTRANCE In slow motion, VERONICA finishes the note and rises up along with her makeshift desk, HEATHER DUKE. HEATHER MCNAMARA hawkishly gazes toward the cafeteria line. VERONICA hands the note to an impressed HEATHER CHANDLER. MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK pays the CASHIER and then, grasping her lunch tray with both paws, moves toward VERONICA and the HEATHERS. HEATHER MCNAMARA excitedly tugs on HEATHER CHANDLER'S arm as MARTHA approaches. With a tranquil smile, HEATHER CHANDLER passes the note to her frantic disciple. In a self-consciously clandestine manner, HEATHER MCNAMARA saunters past MARTHA then wields around to sneakily tuck the note onto MARTHA's tray. The slow motion concludes as their plump victim shuffles past a magnetic preppie PETER DAWSON and a thin, black, bespectacled DENNIS. The guys are working a large stand which has a cashbox reading THE FAMINE FUND and a banner reading WESTERBURG FEEDS THE WORLD. PETER Come on people, let's give that leftover lunch money to people without lunches! Those tater tots you threw away today are a delicacy in Africa! They're Thanksgiving dinner! HEATHERS' TABLE The Girls reach their table with HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE sitting themselves down first. HEATHER MCNAMARA (looking to the stand) God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa? VERONICA (low key sarcasm) Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater tots; it's a real party continent. HEATHER CHANDLER draws up a clipboard. HEATHER CHANDLER Sawyer. Guess what today is? VERONICA Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So what's the question? HEATHER DUKE Yeah, so what's the question? HEATHER CHANDLER God-damn Heather, you were with me in Study Hall when I thought of it. Such a pillowcase. HEATHER DUKE (hurt) I forgot. VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER briskly bop away from the table as a wounded HEATHER DUKE retreats to The Catcher in the Rye. VERONICA Hey, this question wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last...... HEATHER CHANDLER Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he gave me another topic that was political, I'd spew burrito chunks. VERONICA shakes her head and looks off. She's suddenly captured by the sight of a JAMES DEANESQUE GUY sitting stark in a long, tan gunslinger coat, behind a Rebel Without a Cause lunchbox. They make eye contact. Transfixed, VERONICA crashes into seated BETTY FINN, a slightly overweight, unstylishly dressed sweetie surrounded by clones. BETTY Sorry Veronica. VERONICA Betty Finn. Gosh..... VERONICA crouches down, embarrassed and rueful. VERONICA I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month. BETTY That's okay. Your Mom said you had a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip my own birthday party for a date. VERONICA gently laughs at BETTY's innocent awe. VERONICA Don't say that. BETTY Oh Ronnie, you have to look at what I dug up the other day. BETTY pulls from her purse a picture showing a YOUNG BETTY FINN AND VERONICA SAWYER, arm-in-arm, dressed in Halloween costumes: BETTY is an angel, VERONICA is a witch. VERONICA glows at the photo until HEATHER CHANDLER tows VERONICA away causing the picture to fall face up on the floor. VERONICA I was talking with someone! HEATHER CHANDLER Color me impressed. I thought you grew out of Betty Finn. THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE A coolly coed cabal of Country Club Kids icily eye the approaching VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER. Country Club kid COUTRNEY sourly speaks out. COURTNEY Oh great. Here comes Heather. COURTNEY'S FRIEND Shit. MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE Alone at a table in the Siberia of the cafeteria, MARTHA finishes a forkful of chicken. She spears her plate again and brings the fork up. The note is wedged inside it. THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE HEATHER CHANDLER, Veronica in tow, hits the Country Club Kids with a salvo of false pleasantness, capped by a scowling smile. HEATHER CHANDLER Hi Courtney. Love your blouse. Ooh, let me snare a tater. COURTNEY express elation in spite of yourself as HEATHER CHANDLER delicately takes a tot and turns around to face VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER inserts her finger in her mouth doing the "induce-vomiting" signal before devouring the tot and turning back around. COURTNEY Thanks. I just got it last night at the Limited. Totally blew my allowance. HEATHER CHANDLER raises her clipboard. VERONICA closes her eyes and shakes her head with a half-smile. HEATHER CHANDLER That's pretty very. Now check this out. You win five million dollars from Publishers Clearing House, but on the same day Ed McMahon gives you the check, aliens land on earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. What would you do? A stunned tableau; until Country Club Kid KEITH speaks. KEITH That's easy. I'd just slide that wad over to my father. He's like one of the top brokers in the state. VERONICA Wake up. In two days, Earth's going up like a Roman Candle. Crab Nebula City. KEITH Man, in two days, my dad could double my money. Triple it. COURTNEY If I got that money, I'd give it all to the poor. Every cent. VERONICA You're beautiful. THE FAMINE FUND STAND PETER reaches into the Famine Fund Box and takes some bills. PETER Dennis, my man, run over to Mickey D.'s and get me a Big Mac and some fries. DENNIS But that's the Famine Fund money. PETER Hey, even Bob Geldof's got to eat. If it makes you feel better, bag the fries, and nab yourself an Apple Pie. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE HEATHER CHANDLER drags VERONICA down a cafeteria lane. HEATHER CHANDLER If you're going to openly be a bitch.... VERONICA (submissive) I'm sorry, it's just why can't we talk to different kinds of people? HEATHER CHANDLER Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the Geek Squad. She points to a table of unfashionably dressed and coiffed students. Some wear glasses, some wear braces, some wear both. THE GEEKS' TABLE The GEEKS react to being pointed at. Their boney leader RODNEY splatters milk over himself. RODNEY Did you see that? Heather Number One looked right at us. BIG CYNIC It must be love. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE VERONICA confronts HEATHER CHANDLER. VERONICA Doesn't it bother you that everyone in the school thinks you're a pirahna? HEATHER CHANDLER Like I give a shit. They all want me, as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior. VERONICA Pretend you're a missionary saving a colony of cootie victims. HEATHER CHANDLER (giving in) Whatever. I don't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight and we're brushing up our conversation skills with the scum of the school. MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE Her sweaty lips moving rapidly, MARTHA anxiously reads the note. THE GEEKS' TABLE The nervous GEEKS fidget and roughhouse each other in an involuntarily immature reaction to their beautiful interviewers. GEEK WITH BRACES No seriously, I'd probably go to the Pyrimads. With a girl. GEEK WITH GLASSES Where you going to get a girl, stud? K-Mart? BIG CYNIC Taking a hooker to the Pyramids on the last day of Mankind. You sentimental old fart. BRACES Geez, forget it. VERONICA What about you Rodney? RODNEY (quietly to the others) I told you she knew my name. (beat of contemplation) I'd change my life. New clothes. New haircut. New house. New home. HEATHER CHANDLER How sad! Blowing all your cash on two days of trying to be hip. VERONICA tugs HEATHER CHANDLER away from the table. VERONICA If you're going to openly be a bitch.... VERONICA again catches sight of the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. He wraps his fingers around an egg and unfolds them back. The egg is gone. He smiles. VERONICA smiles back. Her trance is broken by a boisterous HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE who careen into the two pollsters. HEATHER MCNAMARA God, scan on Martha Dumptruck. POV ON MARTHA MARTHA looks up from the note to the JOCKS' table and KURT KELLY, then flustered, back down at the note. HEATHER CHANDLER This is the part I hate. The waiting. I'd say we're like twenty minutes from major humiliation. Come on, Veronica. HEATHER CHANDLER floats off. A disturbed VERONICA takes a moment to react. HEATHER CHANDLER Veronica? VERONICA follows the leader. She calls out. VERONICA Damn.. EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER march into the school parking lot toward four HEAVY METALERS (one female) hanging out on a car hood. The girls' conversation is heard in voice-over. VERONICA (V.O.) ..you Heather. Deep down all teenagers are the same. Didn't you see The Breakfast Club? BETTY FINN'S TABLE VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER set themselves down with BETTY FINN and her LOOK-ALIKE FRIENDS. HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.) Look at me. I look great. I'm the girl in the commercials and the videos. JOCKS' TABLE VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER warily stand at the outskirts of the JOCKS' bastion of vulgarity. HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.) I'm the blonde in the bikini on the horse holding a Pepsi can. INT. SMOKE-FILLED HALLWAY In a dark, smoky hallway, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER cough toward a batch of STONERS in tattered forms of dress. HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.) I'm the princess being spanked on the throne by Billy Idol's guitarist's guitar. INT. THE SCHOOL LIBRARY VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER click-click across the school library floor to where an ALL-OUT NERD studies in solitude. HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.) What do I get out of being friends with losers. I give them a piece of a winner and they stain me with loserness. PARKING LOT Heavy Metaler MATT grins. MATT You get five million dollars but some Martians are going to zap you in two days. You hear that, Clyde? That's got to be the most spooky-ass question I've ever heard. BETTY FINN'S TABLE BETTY FINN daintily peeps up. BETTY FINN I think we should use the money for an End-of-the-world get-together. We could invite guys. JOCKS' TABLE RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow. RAM I'd pay Madonna one million dollars to ride my face like the Kentucky Derby. She should be paying me, though. STONERS' HALLWAY A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops... FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET What? LIBRARY The ALL-OUT NERD lashes out. ALL-OUT NERD This is important. With taxes, I'd be only getting 3.5 million and.... PARKING LOT Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT. CLYDE If you want a good way to go out before the aliens land, get a lion from the zoo. Put a remote control bomb up its butt. When the lion starts tearing you up, press the bomb button. You and the lion die like as one. Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against the windshield blankly respond. JACKIE AND STEVE Cool. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation chugging through another busy cafeteria lane. HEATHER CHANDLER Just imagine somebody like your quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty Finn doing a Crest commercial. No one would buy Crest. VERONICA Don't tell me. Crest would be stained with loserness. HEATHER CHANDLER Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth? HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them. HEATHER MCNAMARA Oh God, here we go... POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing. MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away. PETER A dime increases the time! A buck brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A five keeps the neighborhood alive! A ten and you die without sen! HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox. HEATHER CHANDLER (to Veronica) You wanted to become a member of the most powerful clique in the school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing. VERONICA I'm sorry? What are you oozing about? HEATHER CHANDLER That episode with the note back there was for all of us to enjoy, but you're determined to ruin my day. VERONICA (slapping her knee) We made a girl want to consider suicide. What a scream. What a jest. HEATHER CHANDLER Come on you jerk. You know you used to have a sense of humor. INT. GIRLS BATHROOM Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS speak in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile. HEATHER CHANDLER Ku-urt, let's pa-arty. HEATHER MCNAMARA Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm. HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in. HEATHER DUKE (O.S.) Veronica, could you come back here? HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA Gross! VERONICA A true friend's work is never done. VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably short, then walks over to the stalls. HEATHER CHANDLER Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86. HEATHER MCNAMARA Color me nauseous. THE STALL VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE. VERONICA Maybe you should see a doctor. HEATHER DUKE Yeah, maybe. HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.) Come on Heather. We want another look at today's lunch. VERONICA Geez, don't listen to them. HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.) Did she have the pie or the ice cream for dessert? (like a game show host) And the answer is. HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and makes a bizarrely defiant smile. HEATHER DUKE Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put up with their bogus nonsense. VERONICA Well, you better move Holden out of the way or he's going to get spewed. HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth. VERONICA sticks her finger in. CAFETERIA ENTRANCE A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a plate into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS stroll by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. HEATHER MCNAMARA God Veronica, drool much? His name's Jason Dean. He's in my American History. VERONICA Give me the clipboard. As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing sexual noises. CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN. VERONICA Hello Jason Dean. JASON Greetings and salutations. Call me J.D. Are you a Heather? VERONICA No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may seem like a stupid question.... J.D. There are no stupid questions. VERONICA If you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the earth they're blowing us up in two days, what would you do? J.D. (suavely) That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. JOCKS' TABLE The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D. RAM Who does that new kid think he is with that coat? Bo Diddley? KURT Veronica is into his act. No doubt. RAM Let's kick his ass. KURT Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old for that crap. Let's give him a scare though. J.D.'S TABLE An intrigued J.D. laconically answers the question. J.D. Probably just row on out to the middle of a lake. Bring along my sax, some tequila, and some Bach. VERONICA How very. HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration. HEATHER CHANDLER Come on. VERONICA (to J.D.) Later. J.D. Definitely. KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place. RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate. RAM You going to eat this? KURT What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio? RAM Answer him dick! KURT Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a No Fags Allowed Rule? J.D. It seems to have an open door policy for assholes though, doesn't it? KURT What did you say dickweed? J.D. I'll repeat myself. J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a a .357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer. EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard holding different colored mallets next to matching balls. HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket. HEATHER MCNAMARA God, they won't expell him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something. HEATHER CHANDLER He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail. VERONICA No way. He used blanks. All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants...Maybe not even that... (giggling) Can you bleach out urine stains? HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S green one. HEATHER CHANDLER J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought you were giving up on high school guys. VERONICA Never say never. HEATHER DUKE What are you going to do, Heather? Take the two shots or send me out? The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous faces. HEATHER CHANDLER Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red... HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent green one rocketing into a flower bed. HEATHER DUKE Shit. HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket. HEATHER CHANDLER (to HEATHER DUKE) Damn. It's your turn Heather. HEATHER DUKE No, it's Heather's turn. HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals. HEATHER CHANDLER Anyway, I can say never to high school. I've got David. HEATHER MCNAMARA King David. HEATHER CHANDLER Maybe when you hit maturity you'll understand the diff between a Remington University man like David and a Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam- thank-you-maam" Sweeney. HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot. HEATHER MCNAMARA Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up. HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed. HEATHER MCNAMARA No way, no day! VERONICA Give it up girl! As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight. VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA Holy shit! God, that was unbelievable! HEATHER CHANDLER What. A. Shot. HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket. VERONICA begins setting up her shot. HEATHER MCNAMARA So tonight's the night. Are you two excited? HEATHER CHANDLER I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her first Remington Party. Blow it tonight girl and it's keggers with kids all next year. VERONICA (missing her shot) Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've been set up with? Witty and urbane pre-lawyer or albino accountant? HEATHER CHANDLER Don't worry. David says he's very so he's very. HEATHER CHANDLER again hits her ball into HEATHER DUKE'S. HEATHER DUKE Why? HEATHER CHANDLER Why not? HEATHER CHANDLER slams HEATHER DUKE's ball back into the flower bed. VERONICA'S MOM calls out the back screen door. MOM Heather, your Mother's here. HEATHER MCNAMARA Come on whoever wants a ride. As the HEATHERS head into the house, VERONICA picks up HEATHER DUKE'S ball and exuberantly throws it back toward the wickets. Veronica's MOM, carrying a tray of pate, and DAD, carrying a Robert Ludlum book, place themselves around a patio table. DAD Take a break Veronica, sit down. VERONICA All right. VERONICA sinks into the empty middle deck chair. DAD So what was the first week of Spring Vacation withdrawl like? VERONICA I don't know, it was okay, I guess. MOM Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up? VERONICA I guess. MOM Any contestants worth mentioning? VERONICA Maybe. There's kind of a dark horse now in the running. DAD (looking up) Goddamn. Will somebody please tell me why I read this spy crap. VERONICA (smiling) Because you're an idiot. DAD Oh yeah, that's it. DAD immediately returns to reading with a wide grin. MOM (shaking her head) You two.... VERONICA Great pate, but I'm going to have to motor if I want to be ready for the party tonight. EXT. OUTSIDE 7-11--NIGHT A Volkswagen Cabriolet pulls up in front of a 7-11 with HEATHER CHANDLER at the wheel. VERONICA pops out of the car, into the store. HEATHER CHANDLER clamors to her. HEATHER CHANDLER Corn nuts! INT. 7-11 Stylishly dressed-to-massacre, VERONICA reaches out to a bag of Corn Nuts as J.D.'s off-screen voice disarms her. J.D. (O.S.) You going to pull a Big Gulp with that? VERONICA No, but if you're nice I'll let you buy me a Slurpee. You know your 7-11speak pretty well. J.D. I've been moved around all my life; Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any town, any time, I can pop a Ham and Cheese in the microwave and feast on a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane. VERONICA Really? That thing in the caf today was pretty severe. J.D. The extreme always makes an impression, but you're right, it was severe. Did you say a Cherry or Coke Slurpee? VERONICA I didn't. Cherry. VERONICA smiles at her Coolness. J.D. returns the smile. 7-11 PARKING LOT VERONICA and J.D. slurp by J.D.'s ferocious motorcycle. VERONICA Great bike. HEATHER CHANDLER sounds her car horn with a grimace. VERONICA glares at her then turns back to J.D. J.D. Just a humble perk from my Dad's Construction company or should I say Deconstruction company? VERONICA I don't know. Should you? J.D. My father seems to enjoy tearing things down more than putting things up. Seen the commerical? "Bringing every State to a Higher State." VERONICA Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's Fred Dean Construction. Must be rough. Moving place to place. J.D. Everybody's life's got static. Is your life perfect? VERONICA (gently joking) Sure, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University. VERONICA grows serious as the car horn sounds again. VERONICA It's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. J.D. I don't really like your friends either. VERONICA It's like they're just people I work with and our job is being popular and shit. J.D. Maybe it's time for a vacation. The car horn blares again. INT. DORMITORY ROOM--NIGHT DAVID, Heather Chandler's fine looking college beau, leads VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER into a cramped, eclectically tacky dorm room. Music pounds the door. The semi-handsome BRAD leans aainst a desk while a WHINING STUDENT talks with COED ONE who sits on the floor. DAVID Throw your coats on the bed, girls. WHINING STUDENT That exam was so bogus. COED ONE Oh I know. Which exam? DAVID Veronica, this is Brad. BRAD Excellent. Did you girls bring your partying slippers? HEATHER CHANDLER Yeah, let's party. DAVID She loves to party. As they head out the door, BRAD whispers something in BRAD'S FRIEND's ear causing the pair to snarl off a laugh. INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT The viewer is taken back and forth from a shattered post-party VERONICA to the traumatic dormitory party itself. The sobbing monocled VERONICA writes at her desk. VERONICA (V.O.) Dear Diary, I want to kill and you have to believe.....damn pen! VERONICA frenziedly scribbles, trying to get her pen to write. She throws the pen across the room and pulls out another. VERONICA (V.O.) You have to believe it's for more than selfish reasons. More than a spoke in my menstrual cycle. You have to believe me. DORMITORY HALLWAY The chaotic hallway rumbles with beer cups and loud music. VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER's stylish garb clashes with the laid-back dress of the COLLEGE STUDENTS. BRAD anxiously hands VERONICA a cup of beer as he watches DAVID and HEATHER CHANDLER move through a staircase door. BRAD So, are you a cheerleader? VERONICA (dealing with a jerk) No, not at all. BRAD You're pretty enough to be one. VERONICA Gee, thanks. BRAD It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?" I hate that. They uncomfortably sip their beers. A deadly pause ensues. BRAD So when you go to college, what kind of subjects do you think you'll study? INT. DAVID'S DORM ROOM HEATHER CHANDLER and DAVID sit on the latter's bed, surrounded by a Macintosh and a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters. They kiss. DAVID doing most of the work. HEATHER CHANDLER Come on David, let's go back to the party. DAVID (unzipping his pants) Don't worry, we will. You're just so hot tonight. I can't control myself. DAVID pushes HEATHER CHANDLER's head down. DORM HALLWAY BRAD has given up on conversation. BRAD So what do you say we head up to my room and have a real party. I've got the best Windham Hill C.D. collection in the dorm. A BIG AMIABLE STUDENT approaches before VERONICA can show disgust. BIG AMIABLE STUDENT Brad-man, Robinson's looking for you. He says he owes you for blow and he just got some product himself. BRAD You're kidding. That pecker actually scored something on his own? BIG AMIABLE STUDENT (ambling off) He's in Sheila's room, guy. Party up. BRAD Excellent. Veronica, ever do cocaine? VERONICA Ever since Phil Collins did that MTV anti-drug commercial I refuse everything. BRAD Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't drinking and driving? VERONICA Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs? BRAD Hey, don't run away now. With a wink, BRAD squirms off. VERONICA dashes into the room with the coats. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA rampages through her diary. VERONICA (V.O.) Seventeen is the last year Mom buys the Twinkies. When you make the jump from working weekends at Pizza Hut to thirty years at I.B.M., you lose something. Not innocence--power. J.F.K. the cat jumps onto the Diary. VERONICA J.F.K.! VERONICA flings the screeching cat off and continues. VERONICA (V.O.) Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm allowed an understanding that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore. I understand I must stop Heather. DORM "COAT" ROOM Panting, VERONICA collapses at a desk in the "coat" room. She draws a Vodka bottle from a stockpile of liquor and pours some in her beer cup, slouching down in her chair. VERONICA lights a match from a 7-11 matchbook. She eerily brings her hand closer and closer to the fire until it touches. With an eek of pain, she tosses the match away into the Vodka cup, setting it afire. VERONICA laughs to herself before tossing the flaming cup out the window. EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY NIGHT The flaming cup lands in a large rusted garbage can filled with other cups and various refuse. The flames spread... INT. DORMITORY BATHROOM NIGHT A dejected HEATHER CHANDLER walks into a multi-mirror-and-sink bathroom. Using a glass off one of the sinks, she gargles some water and then spits it at her own reflection. THE DORM "COAT" ROOM VERONICA closes the window as BRAD opens the door. BRAD How's my little cheerleader? Now I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight, come on. VERONICA Hey really, I don't feel so great. BRAD Let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent. BRAD plops down onto the bed of coats and begins bouncing. VERONICA I have a little prepared speech I give when my suitor wants more than I'd like to give him.... Gee Blank, I had a nice.... BRAD Save the speeches for Malcom X. I just wanna get laid. VERONICA You don't deserve my fucking speech! VERONICA yanks up her coat from beneath BRAD on the bed causing him to slide off onto the floor. DORM HALLWAY VERONICA storms into the hallway but slows down when she sees she's attracting attention. She notices an incited BRAD slither to the smiling DAVID who chats with some STUDENTS, HEATHER CHANDLER on his arm. BRAD causes DAVID's smile to ever-so-slightly diminish. DAVID whispers to HEATHER CHANDLER who proceeds to set down her beer and walk toward VERONICA. DORMITORY ALLEY The fire in the trashcan is raging. DORM HALLWAY A steel faced HEATHER CHANDLER comes face-to-face with VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze. VERONICA Heather, I feel awful, like I'm going to throw up. Can we jam, please? HEATHER CHANDLER No. Hell no. VERONICA'S eyes fall shut in a near-faint. She flings herself down off-screen with some ugly retching sounds. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA savagely scrawls in her diary, tears burning fierce. VERONICA (V.O.) Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatchdogs and Diet Cokeheads. Killing Heather'd be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West. Or is it East? West! I sound like a psycho. Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather. A world where I am free. DORM HALLWAY VERONICA rises into view with tinges of vomit on her mouth. A smile breaks across HEATHER CHANDLER's granite puss. VERONICA runs off as STUDENTS laugh in the background. DORMITORY ALLEY VERONICA charges into the alley. She whips around to face a screeching HEATHER CHANDLER. In back of VERONICA, the trashcan bellows like Mt. Vesuvius. HEATHER CHANDLER You stupid cunt! VERONICA You goddamn bitch! The flickering flames cast HEATHER CHANDLER in a demonic light. HEATHER CHANDLER You were nothing before you met me! You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout Cookie! I got you into a Remington Party! What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I get paid in puke! VERONICA Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up. HEATHER CHANDLER (totally in control) Monday morning, you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerburg's going to let you play their reindeer games. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA flings her diary across the room where it hits the wall behind the stunning figure of J.D. VERONICA gasps. J.D. Dreadful etiquette. I apologize. VERONICA (exhaling deeply) S'okay.... J.D. I saw the croquet set-up in the back. Up for a match? VERONICA is simultaneously dismayed and exhilarated. She seems ready to burst out all her anxieties but instead.... VERONICA Sure. But I'm Blue. EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--LATE NIGHT The viewer's viewpoint glides through the grass of Veronica's backyard uncovering combinations of wickets and articles of clothing. A pair of girls shoes and a pair of guys shoes rest together by the first wicket. J.D. (V.O.) Goddamn, no wonder you looked so mangled when I came through the window. Feminine socks and masculine socks lay crumpled by the next wicket. VERONICA (V.O.) I've always treated Heather's teen queen power plays as bullshit..... As VERONICA quiveringly pauses, a stylish blouse and a rugged shirt are revealed mingling by another wicket. VERONICA (V.O.) But I'm really scared. Who am I going to eat lunch with on Monday? I sound like an Afterschool Special. The viewer's viewpoint moves to a dress and a pair of jeans resting side by side at another wicket. J.D. (V.O.) That was my first game of Strip Croquet, you know. I thank you. VERONICA (V.O.) You're welcome. It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes and boning away on the neighbor's swing set. VERONICA'S blue mallet has been staked into the ground. Her panties hang on one end, J.D.'s underwear hangs on the other. J.D. (O.S.) Well, I don't know. There's something to be said for...Ouch! VERONICA and J.D. are finally revealed, entangled in an artful pose upon J.D.'s gunslinger coat. They warmly kiss. VERONICA breaks off to uneasily giggle. VERONICA What a night. J.D. gently bites in to VERONICA's neck. VERONICA grooves on it, closing her eyes tightly. VERONICA What a life. I almost moved into high school out of sixth grade because I was some genius. We all decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah. VERONICA slides her head down against J.D.'s chest and gracefully rests on his lap. Gently fighting slumber, she murmurs up to J.D., who showers her face with slow kisses. VERONICA Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss to wear and how to hit three keggers before curfew. Some genius. J.D. Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die. VERONICA Killing her won't solve anything. J.D. A well-timed lightning bolt through her window and Monday morning, all the other heathers, shit, everybody would be cast fucking adrift. VERONICA Well then, I'll pray for rain. J.D. See the condoms in the grass over there. We killed tonight, Veronica. We murdered our baby. VERONICA Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky. J.D. Just saying it's not hard to end a life. VERONICA There's a big difference between the most popular girl in the school and dead sperm. They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position. J.D. I guess I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. VERONICA I know exactly what the hell you're talking about and you're right, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. Let's just grow up, be adults, and die. J.D. Good plan. VERONICA But before that, I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out. INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively furnished with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching centerpiece. HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted bedsheets as MRS. CHANDLER sticks her head in the door. MRS. CHANDLER We are leaving soon for your grandmother's. If you care to join us... HEATHER CHANDLER Bag that. MRS. CHANDLER Is that a "No" in your lingo? As the door closes, HEATHER CHANDLER raises her arm and gives her departed Mother "the finger." HEATHER CHANDLER Lingo this. INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN--DAY The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. VERONICA (quietly) Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's even when she's not hungover. J.D. Then let's just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure that'll induce her to spew red, white, and blue. VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard beneath the sink. VERONICA What about orange juice and milk? What's the upchuck factor on that? J.D. holds up a bottle of Pine-Sol. J.D. I'm a Pine-Sol man, myself. VERONICA Don't be a dick. That stuff'll kill her. VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers (detergent, scouring powder) into a glass beer mug. VERONICA O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon? J.D. Man Veronica, pull the plug on that shit. I say we go with Big Blue. J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own thoughts. VERONICA What are you doing? You just can't go.....Besides, she'd never drink anything that looks like that. J.D. Okay we'll use this. She won't be able to tell what she's drinking. J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of orange juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily muttering. VERONICA Just give me a cup, jerk. J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange juice into the cup. VERONICA Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe we could cough a phlegm globber in it or something. J.D. Yeah, great. They both start coughing harshly. VERONICA No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll do quite nicely. Quite nicely. J.D. Chick-en. VERONICA You're not funny. J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down at the mess of toxic containers. With both arms, VERONICA clumps the toxic containers together and drops beneath the sink to put them away. J.D. swaggers back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs back into view. J.D. I'm sorry. J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes with a grudging smile. VERONICA Bonehead. VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups. Not the one with milk and orange juice in it. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D. enter. VERONICA Morning, Heather. Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up. HEATHER CHANDLER Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle surprise. Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation? VERONICA We both said a lot of things we didn't mean, last night. HEATHER CHANDLER Did we? How the hell'd you get in here? J.D. Veronica knew you'd have a hangover. So I whipped this up. Family recipe. J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts. HEATHER CHANDLER Did you put a phlegm globber in it or something? I'm not drinking that piss. J.D. I knew this stuff would be too intense. HEATHER CHANDLER Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken. They do. They're right. HEATHER CHANDLER Just give me the cup, jerk. HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in anger. She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it all. She then launches her head forward, her face contorted in agony. HEATHER CHANDLER Corn nuts! HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze. J.D. Something tells me you picked up the wrong cup. VERONICA No shit, sherlock. I can't believe it. I just killed my best friend. J.D. And your worst enemy. VERONICA Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna... VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock. J.D. What are we going to tell the cops? "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge." VERONICA Stop kidding around. I'm going to have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford. J.D. I'm just a little freaked, all right? (a beat) You got what you wanted, you know. VERONICA It's one thing to want somebody out of your life. It's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup of Drano. VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming "THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" sticking out from beneath HEATHER CHANDLER's body. J.D. We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime. But if this was like a suicide thing..... VERONICA Like a suicide thing? J.D. Adolescence is a period of life fraught with anxiety and confusion. VERONICA (calming down) I can do Heather's handwriting as well as my own. VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins writing, calling out her words. VERONICA "You might think what I've done is shocking..." J.D. "To me though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me." VERONICA That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad." J.D. This is the last thing she'll ever write. She'll want to cash in on as many fifty-cent words as poss. VERONICA She missed "myriad" on a vocab test two weeks ago, all right? J.D. That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school. VERONICA You're probably right..."People think just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody understood I had feelings too." J.D. "I die knowing no one knew the real me." VERONICA That's good. Have you done this before? VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse. INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but savvy MRS. POPE, the black counselor PAUL HYDE, the yuppie math teacher KEVIN STAPLES, and most noticeably, the eccentrically dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs and cigarette smoke is in the air, as the group batters their way through a morning mourning conference. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Any other Principal would take the same position. Keep things business as usual. COUNSELOR HYDE Heather Chandler's not your everyday suicide. She was very popular. PRINCIPAL GOWAN I let the kids go before lunch and the switchboard'll light up like a Christmas Tree. KEVIN STAPLES The parents will be sympathetic, sir. These are troubled times for the young. MRS. POPE I must say I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word "myriad" in her suicide note after brutalizing it in a vocabulary test. PAULINE (dramatically cutting in) I find it profoundly disturbing that we are told of a tragic destruction of youth and all we can talk about is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words. A collective sigh goes across the room. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Oh Christ. PAULINE The school, meaning both students and teachers, must revel in this revealing moment. I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk. And feel. Together. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the shuttle lands...Now is this Heather the cheerleader? COUNSELOR HYDE That would be Heather Mcnamara. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader. KEVIN STAPLES Let's just pack it in an hour early. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Done. I hate Mondays. INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM--DAY The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is furious. PAULINE I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget it! Just sit down. I'm just so thrilled to be given an example of everything I've taught you. That example is Heather Chandler. I have the note! PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS. MALE STUDENT All right! PAULINE I'll pass the suicide note around the room so you can feel its tragic beauty for yourself. Let us share together the feelings the suicide has spurred in us all. Who wants to begin? FEMALE STUDENT I heard it was really gnarly. She drank Liquid Plumber and Comet and stuff then she smashed.... PAULINE Now, now, we're not here to rehash the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions. THE ALL-OUT NERD Are we going to be tested on this? A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks. The note continues to be breathlessly passed around. PETER Heather and I used to go together, but she said I was boring. I realize now I wasn't really boring. She was just dissatisfied with her life. PAULINE That's very good Peter. VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by putting her hands over her face. PAULINE Dear Veronica, Heather was your soulmate.....Share. VERONICA Heather was cool, but cruel. The good looks and bad manners gave her power, but it could not give her happiness. The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then continues, realizing her ability to create truths for a captive audience. VERONICA She realized the only way she could be happy was to give up her power and the only way she could do that was death. PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles. INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM--DAY The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes. HEATHER MCNAMARA Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so unfair! We should get a whole week off not just an hour. HEATHER DUKE Write the School Board. HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks. VERONICA Watch it, Heather. You could actually be digesting food. HEATHER MCNAMARA Yeah, where's your urge to purge? HEATHER DUKE (belching) Fuck it. HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers. HEATHER MCNAMARA Look, heather left behind one of her Swatches. She'd want you to have it, Veronica. She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit. HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET stops next to their bench. FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET I'm sorry about your friend. I thought she was your usual airhead bitch. Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were. HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone. HEATHER DUKE What a waste. VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area. HEATHER DUKE (V.O.) Oh the Humanity. THE SHOWER VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against her clothes. THE LOCKER ROOM HEATHER MCNAMARA Veronica, what are you doing? SQUEALING GIRL Everyone in the shower! The SQUEALING GIRL runs into the shower fully clothed. TWO GIGGLING GIRLS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other, laugh, and run in. INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in. MATT Do I deliver or do I deliver? RODNEY Hurry up, we're going to get caught. MATT Mellow out Geek. Man, I never should have brought you. CLYDE Let's see some pussy! MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the showering and clothed GIRLS. THE SHOWER The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE Cautiously quiet pandemonium. MATT Does this have something to do with menstrual cramps and shit? CLYDE (dazed) What the fuck? RODNEY We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I can feel it. CLYDE What the fuck? STEVE Do you deliver or do you deliver? EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DAY Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the HEATHERS come out of the school. HEATHER MCNAMARA That was seriously warped, Veronica. VERONICA Uh-huh. HEATHER DUKE T.V. cameras! In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS. HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes. HEATHER MCNAMARA Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes! HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a nearby trashcan. INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM--LATE AFTERNOON A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE posed by a tree, talking into a microphone. HEATHER DUKE (T.V.) I choose to remember the good times. Like when we got our ears pierced at the mall. The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's. HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.) I can still hear those late night talks on the phone. The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next. PETER (T.V.) The day I won her that stuffed rhino at the 4-H Fair, she said to me.... VERONICA (O.S.) You're an asshole! Mute him! VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D. pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound. J.D. Mute! VERONICA Next channel, darling. The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a microphone is on the screen. VERONICA (O.S.) Heather, how many networks did you run to! Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN. VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on. VERONICA Oh, I have to hear this. COURTNEY (T.V.) In my heart, Heather's still alive. VERONICA (muting Courtney) What are you talking about? She hated you! You hated her! (to J.D.) What are you smiling at? J.D. Heather Chandler is more popular than ever now. VERONICA Yeah. Scary stuff. J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous half-smile. He inexplicably calls out. J.D. Why son, I didn't hear you come in. J.D.'s father FRED DEAN, stands before them, handsome and threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather malevolently holding a rowing machine. FRED DEAN Hey Dad, how was work today? FRED DEAN slams down his rowing machine and straddles it before answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him. FRED DEAN It was miserable. Some damn tribe of withered old bitches doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel. All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there. It's just like Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas? J.D. That was the one with the wheat right? BIG BUD DEAN The Save the Memorial Oak Tree Society. Showed those fucks. J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile. J.D. Thirty Fourth of July fireworks attached to the trunk. Arraigned but Acquitted. FRED DEAN Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend. J.D. Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica. VERONICA Hello. VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked FRED's hand. FRED DEAN extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh. J.D. Jason, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner. VERONICA (awkwardly standing) My Mom's making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano. J.D. Nice. The last time I saw my Mom, she was waving out the window of a library in Texas. Right, Dad? BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-Tougher- Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D. BIG BUD DEAD Right, son. VERONICA (weakly) Right. EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO--DUSK Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them. Pate is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette. DAD Take a break Veronica, sit down. VERONICA walks into view and sits down. VERONICA All right. DAD So what was the first day after Heather's suicide like? VERONICA I don't know, it was okay, I guess. MOM Terrible thing. So will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender? VERONICA Maybe. DAD (looking at his cigarette) Goddamn. Will somebody please tell me why I smoke these damn things? VERONICA (smiling) Because you're an idiot. DAD Oh yeah, that's it. DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin. MOM (shaking her head) You two.... VERONICA Greate pate, but I'm going to have to motor if I want to be ready for the funeral tomorrow. INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the funeral. HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front of a dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting. INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is FUNERAL CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A look of horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs her lips. INT. CHURCH--DAY A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER, smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds this time with a satisfied smile. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it. INT. CHURCH--DAY HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER FAUST bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA and J.D. watch from the back pew. FATHER RIPPER (O.S.) I blame not Heather but rather a society that tells its youth that the answers are on the MTV video games. We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that "righteous dude" who can solve their problems.... The bald FATHER FAUST finally comes into view. FATHER RIPPER (cont'd) It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book. KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN--LATER BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin. The viewer hears what she is thinking. BETTY (V.O.) May Heather Chandler rest in peace even though she committed suicide. For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the- glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen. BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits. HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium. HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.) Oh God, this is a tragic thing and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff. Please send Heather to heaven and all that. Thanks. I mean, Amen. HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place. PETER (V.O.) Dear God, make sure this never happens to me. I do not think I could handle suicide and that's the God's honest truth. Pardon the pun. Fast-early-acceptance- into-an-Ivy-League-school-and- please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen. PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place. RAM (V.O.) Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did you kill such hot snatch. That's a joke, man. People are so serious. (a beat) Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven, pray for us sinners....so we don't get caught. Another joke, man. RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place. HEATHER DUKE (V.O.) I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad every time I did, but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia. HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place. VERONICA (V.O.) Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't kill Heather Chandler but hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nice place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy? CHURCH LOBBY HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by. HEATHER MCNAMARA Veronica. What are you doing tonight? VERONICA Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why? HEATHER MCNAMARA Ram asked me out, but he wants to double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't have a date. VERONICA Heather, I've got something going with J.D. HEATHER MCNAMARA Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on hold tonight, I'll never forget it. EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT--DAY KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van. KURT We on tonight man? RAM I still got to talk to Heather, dude. Weird funeral, huh? KURT Pretty weird. Geeks RODNEY, FAT CYNIC, and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES obliviously steps on KURT's foot. KURT That pudwapper just stepped on my foot. RAM Let's kick his ass. KURT Cool off, we're seniors. RAM Goddamn Geek! BRACES gives them "the finger". BRACES (awkwardly defiant) Sit and spin. KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered. KURT That little prick. The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed. KURT All right you piece of shit fag, do you like to suck big dicks? BRACES Cut it out! RAM pushes BRACES down harder. KURT Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks. RODNEY Leave him alone, Kurt. J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT, wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked. RAM (O.S.) Say it! BRACES Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks. Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries. BRACES I like to suck big dicks. Mmm-mm! I can't get enough of them. Satisfied? KURT I'm sure your friends are happy to hear that. (with a lisp) Right, guys? ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot. HEATHER MCNAMARA Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff. It'll be really very. Promise. Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off his face as his friends glumly watch on. VERONICA All right, but I hope it isn't going to be one of those nights where they get shitfaced and take us to a pasture to tip cows. EXT. COW PASTURE--NIGHT A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA look on. KURT Is it sleeping, dude? RAM I think so, man. KURT Then get over on my side. Oh shit, cowtipping is the fucking greatest. RAM Punch it in! KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but VERONICA glares it away. KURT Count of three, guy. KURT AND RAM One. Two. Three! An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA. DEEPER IN THE PASTURE--LATER IN THE NIGHT KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA. KURT "When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing....." VERONICA Yeah, right, asshole. VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline. Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT squints up the hill and falls over backwards. J.D. What is this shit? VERONICA I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off. KURT (still face down) "Feel like making bah da dah bah da dah, feel like making love." J.D. Another fucking Heather. (harshly laughs) I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior tonight. Seven high schools in seven states and the only thing different was my locker combination. We've broke through the peer pressure cooker. So what if we had to kill Miss Popularity.. VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill. VERONICA So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus! J.D. Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee. J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn, takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill. KURT "And she's buying the stairway to heaven.." INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and a YEARBOOK GIRL, wearing a BIGFUN T-shirt, confer over a layout sheet. Dennis's Famine Fund partner PETER DAWSON pouts behind them. DENNIS I'm not belittling the Famine Fund Peter, but we're talking teen suicide! Westerburg finally got one and I'm not going to blow it. PETER Great. Heather gets the headline and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon. VERONICA breezes in. VERONICA Hi Guys. I came to check on this week's lunchtime poll topic. DENNIS Don't worry about it, Veronica, sit down. That funeral yesterday must have been really rough. VERONICA Oh. Sure. YEARBOOK GIRL We were, uh, wondering if maybe you had some poems or artwork that Heather did that we could put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread? VERONICA The what? YEARBOOK GIRL Take a look. We'll have a two page layout with her suicide note up here in the right hand corner. DENNIS It's more tasteful than it sounds. Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide into chairs, laughing softly. VERONICA I don't know. This thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. COURTNEY Like last night, Veronica? COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter. VERONICA I'm sorry? I don't get it. COURTNEY You did last night. More laughter. COURTNEY'S FRIEND Kurt told us of your little date. VERONICA Yeah. And? I left him drunk and flailing in cowshit. COURTNEY I don't know. He was really detailed. PETER Shut up, Courtney. VERONICA Don't shut up. I'd like to know just what I did. PETER (gesturing to the door) Let me show you that lunchtime poll topic, Veronica. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP PETER tells VERONICA. PETER I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were bent over like a coffee table with Kurt going in one end and Ram coming in the other. Pardon the pun. VERONICA (dazed) Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-bitch. Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER. VERONICA Thanks Pete, for the Famine Fund. PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off. INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone. VERONICA Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over. I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen. It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once...... Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum. Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud. VERONICA throws a book at him. VERONICA That's right, tonight. In the woods behind the school. Don't forget Ram. INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN--DAY KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face. KURT Women. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks into a laugh. VERONICA I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note when we'll just be shooting them with blanks. J.D. Get crucial. We won't be using blanks this time. VERONICA You can't be serious? Hey listen, my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over. VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed. With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down. J.D. Do you take German? VERONICA French. J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber. J.D. These are Ich Luge bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them in W.W. Two. They're like tranquilizers only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause blood, but not any real harm. VERONICA So it looks like the person's been shot and killed when they're really just unconscious and bleeding. J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring. J.D. We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look like they shot each other. By the time Kurt and Ram regain consciousness, they'll be the laughingstock's of the school. The note's the punchline. How'd it turn out? VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both papers. VERONICA First tell me this similarity is not incredible. J.D. (warmly) Incredible similarity. VERONICA pulls back the note and reads. VERONICA Ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. The joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet we were forced to live the lie of Sexist- Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole. J.D. Exquisite, but I don't think ununderstanding is a word. VERONICA We don't want to make them out to be too secretly eloquent. Why would the Germans invent a bullet that doesn't kill people? I mean it was World War Two, not a school play. J.D. (rapid-fire) They used them on themselves to make it look like they were dead. Really quite a brilliant device, but too flamboyant to seriously produce. VERONICA Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K. VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her. J.D. It doesn't work on small animals! VERONICA Oh. J.D. Uh well hey, let's take a look at the homosexual artifacts I dug up. Now, prepare to be a little disappointed. J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the contents on the bed. J.D. We've got a Playgirl, a candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card, and lipstick. VERONICA You must have had fun. J.D. You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot. The one perfecto thing I picked up... J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises out two bottles of Perrier water. J.D. Perrier water! VERONICA Oh come on. Lots of people drink Perrier. It's come a long way. J.D. This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewsky in your hand after dark you might as well be wearing a dress. VERONICA (mock-seductively) Oh, you're so smart. How about a little heterosexuality before we go? J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss. EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--NIGHT A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk through the parking lot toward the woods. RAM (singing) Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and... KURT Shut the fuck up, all right. RAM Lighten up, dude. In those woods is some of the finest pussy in the school and we don't even have to buy it a hamburger and a Diet Coke. Punch it in! KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM. EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS--NIGHT VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods. KURT Hi Veronica. VERONICA (forced cheerfulness) Hi Guys. Glad you could make it. RAM smacks his hands together. RAM So do we just start fucking? VERONICA I've made a circle on each end of the clearing. Ram, you come over here. KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him. A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at the opposite end of the foggy clearing. VERONICA When you get in the circle, strip. The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes. RAM What about you? VERONICA I was hoping you'd rip my clothes off me, sport. RAM Oh. Good idea. KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies. VERONICA Count of three, guys. RAM giggles in anticipation. VERONICA One. KURT finally cracks a smile. VERONICA Two. J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left. J.D. Three. J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead. VERONICA rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using both hands, she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs away onto the path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile. VERONICA Shucks. J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat. J.D. Did you miss him completely? VERONICA (giggling) Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth it just to see the look on.... J.D. Don't move! I'll get him back! VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods. THE PATH A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods. OFF THE PATH J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees. THE CLEARING VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body. THE PATH KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly moves into the light at the end of the woods and raises his gun. KURT runs back the other way with a strangled moan. THE CLEARING VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding and dead, dead, dead. KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods. J.D. Now! In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest. SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER shouts. MILNER I heard it that time! McCORD Wha? MILNER Another gunshot! From the woods! McCORD Shit, let's roll. The two officer explode out of the car. THE CLEARING J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun. VERONICA Kurt doesn't look too good. J.D. Remember he's left-handed. A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand. MILNER (O.S.) Keep going until you hit the clearing! J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into the clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop. McCORD Mother of Shit! MILNER Call in! MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out. MILNER I heard something out there. I'm checking it out. MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is holding the pulse of KURT KELLY. McCORD This is Officer McCord and I've got two dead bodies in the woods behind Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback. IN THE WOODS VERONICA and J.D. flow through the trees. An Owl hoos. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS MILNER blindly barrels through the woods. JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and start running up a grassy hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top. J.D. Faster! IN THE WOODS MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving. THE HILL VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting. MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill. THE SAWYER CAR VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin taking off their clothes. THE HILL MILNER continues to move up the hill. THE SAWYER CAR VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace. OUTSIDE THE CAR MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie- talkie startles him. McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie) Milner, can you hear me? What's going down? MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-talkie. MILNER Think what I heard was just a stinking owl. All I got is two kids making out in the backseat of a car. Should I pry them apart? McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie) Forget it. I got all the answers back here, partner. THE SAWYER CAR Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking. THE CLEARING MILNER runs back into the clearing. MILNER What's the deal? McCORD Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot each other. MILNER That's Kurt Kelly! McCORD Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney. MILNER Oh my God, suicide? Why? McCORD Does this answer your question? McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the bottles of Perrier water. MILNER Oh man, they were fags! McCORD Listen up, "We could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world." MILNER Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Parade magazine Honorable Mention... MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up. MILNER Wait a second. How did they shoot each other if we heard two separate sets of gunshots? McCORD Shit, I always hear gunshots when I'm high. Life is one crazy bitch. Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback buggering the linebacker. What a waste. MILNER Oh the humanity. INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--MORNING Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table. KEVIN STAPLES (sotto voce to Counselor Hyde) After every touchdown or whatever, they give each other a little slap on the bottom. It seems innocent... PAULINE (O.S.) Shut up. The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note. MRS. POPE Look at this. "Ununderstanding." PAULINE Will you shut up! We were in a similar position Monday and I thoughtfully suggested that we get the students together for an unadulterated emotional outpouring. You took the suggestion as an opportunity to play yet another round of "Let's laugh at the Hippie." COUNSELOR HYDE Pauline, if you want a tryout for the school play.... PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in. PRINCIPAL GOWAN Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of bullshit--angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis racquets, but this suicide thing....I guess it's all on Pauline's wavelength. We're just going to write off today, and Friday she can do her little little love-in or whatever. Whatever. EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT--MORNING VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot. THE SAWYER CAR A battered VERONICA climbs into the front seat, pulling on her blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D. rumbles from the back as other cars begin to fill the lot. VERONICA We killed them, didn't we? J.D. Of course. VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of VERONICA's hand as she wails away. VERONICA Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot! J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in outside of the parking lot, in front of the school. J.D. You believed it because you wanted to believe it. Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face. VERONICA I did not want them dead. J.D. Did to. VERONICA Did not. J.D. Did to. VERONICA Did not. J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-to's". VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and singing "We're Off to See the Wizard." J.D.'s "did-to's" get louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn. PARKING LOT HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping car and its sparring occupants. HEATHER DUKE Ah, young love. The SQUEALING GIRL bounds up to the Heathers. SQUEELING GIRL Did you hear? School's cancelled today because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact. HEATHER DUKE (incredulous, but amused) No way! THE SAWYER CAR J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket. J.D. Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes. VERONICA (looking to her burnt hand) Sure. Can we make an ice run before the funeral? STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out. EXT. CEMETERY GROUNDS--DAY A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY, stands over his son's open grave. FATHER FAUST and a seated mixture of ADULTS and STUDENTS watch on. MR. KELLY If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt buddy, I don't care that you really were some pansy. You're my flesh-and-blood. You made me proud. I love my homosexual son. My son's gay and I love him! In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D. VERONICA Your son's dead and you love him. J.D. How do you think Mr. Kelly would react to a son with a limp wrist with a pulse? They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated grimace. INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--NIGHT Still in stylish funeral garb and dark sunglasses, VERONICA collapses onto her couch, splaying next to her MOM. The Sawyer T.V. flashes against Veronica's shades. MOM How was the funeral? VERONICA (deadpan) Superb. A young, statuesque blonde appears on-screen. A Super reading WHITNEY JAMES-W.E.T.C. COMMENTARY flashes on. WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.) It looks like the teen suicide epidemic has hit home in Sherwood as the death toll at Westerburg High rockets to three. A shiny number three flashes on and off in the screen's corner. WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.) Heather Chandler, Kurt Kelly, and Rupert "Ram" Sweeney all had good looks and popularity, but there's one thing they didn't have: Values, Ambition, and Hope. VERONICA That's three things. WHITNEY JAMES (T.V.) It rained everyday of my Maui vacation, but hey, I didn't kill myself. I'm Whitney James, Commentary. The camera pans to an affable ANCHORMAN. ANCHORMAN (T.V.) Thanks Whitney, but I hate to say it. It looks like you brought that rainy weather back with you. Tomorrow's forecast calls for... INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT VERONICA lies on the floor next to a Vodka bottle. She drinks out of a Dixie cup as she talks on the phone. VERONICA No, it's okay J.D., I just kind of wanted to talk.....Oh, a newsmagazine show on Channel 16. Really? On the suicides. No, sounds great. Bye. VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying against the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen. She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing. VERONICA (V.O.) Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count. Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup. VERONICA (V.O.) The most popular people in the school are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing but what really frightens me is that I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do next. It's God versus my boyfriend and God's losing.... VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping out her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the floor and curls into a fetal slumber. THE CAFETERIA STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars. PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high. PAULINE Peter, kill the jukebox. As the jukebox amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up a bullhorn to her lips and crackles... PAULINE Could I have your attention? A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself. STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria. MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate. PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance. PAULINE Our school has been torn apart by tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it back together through love! I want everyone to clasp hands. We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit. Let's begin a new happiness! A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman. INT. MAIN HALLWAY--SAME TIME Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA stumbles down the hall. She stops to read a sign plastered on a wall: THE NEW HAPPINESS- A Special Lunchtime Announcement Ala Pauline Fleming. VERONICA takes off her sunglasses, squints, then continues down the hall. THE CAFETERIA PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling. PAULINE Yo, what's the problem? I know you know how to hold hands. Ring-around- the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it! I'm just so thrilled to announce that Whitney James of WETC News is taping a rap session with students from area high schools including Westerburg. Cheers raucously emerge from the enlivened students. PAULINE Let's show the world Westerburg is a diverse happy home, not Suicide Central! (shrewdly) You know there's some people who say Westerburg is too weak and wimpy a school to be on T.V. Is that true? The STUDENTS make loud, scattered rumblings of the word "No." PAULINE hungrily unbuttons her paisley blazer. PAULINE No or Hell No? STUDENTS (louder) Hell no! Frightened and flustered by the fanatic camaraderie around her, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes for a moment then crawls underneath her table. PAULINE I can't hear you.... Fingering her bangs in an attempt at composure, VERONICA steps into the cafeteria and her fellow students boom. STUDENTS HELL NO! As a blown away VERONICA takes in the panorama of students from different cliques chanting to the beat of PAULINE's gospel recital, PAULINE's voice is replaced on the soundtrack by the evocative female moanings of the opening scene. J.D., also wearing a black armband, stalks VERONICA from behind. His hand unzips her dress. The female voices swell louder as a glowing VERONICA takes in glorious images. Geek BRACES and a JOCK chant together, standing on chairs. HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEAVY METALER MATT look to each other dubiously then mindlessly shout out. A MORRISONESQUE STONER dances on a table of cheering BETTY-FINN-A-LIKES. J.D. slides his hand through the opening in Veronica's dress. The female voices cut off as the spell over VERONICA breaks. She swings her elbow into J.D.'s stomach. VERONICA Can't you see this is a special moment? J.D. I was just making it more special. PAULINE (O.S.) Veronica, there you are! VERONICA spins to an electric PAULINE FLEMING glistening in the mouth of the cafeteria, flanked by HEATHER DUKE and PETER DAWSON. PAULINE You people are in charge of getting delegates from every clique in the school to be on the Whitney James Teenage Suicide Prevention T.V. Special. Let's be able to say we were the ones who put peer pressure out to pasture. J.D. looks out through the cafeteria. He sees Martha poke her head out from beneath her lunch table then dart back under. J.D. moves away from the chattering group. PETER Westerburg? A happy family? PAULINE I'm sure you'll work something out. HEATHER DUKE (wickedly) Don't worry. We'll work something out. VERONICA Yes. Yes. We'll work something out. I swear to God. Won't we J.D.?...J.D.? MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and head down, trys to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks up and freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her, behind his Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly. J.D. Greetings and salutations. INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM--NIGHT VERONICA beams and babbles over the room while on the couch, J.D. restlessly works his channel changer. VERONICA You shoulda stuck around, jerk. Ms. Fleming wants to redefine the high school experience. J.D. She wants to ignore the high school experience. Our way's better. We scare people into not being assholes. VERONICA Don't even talk about that stuff! J.D. comically cups his hands together to holler. J.D. You mean the time you blew Kurt Kelly's ass away! VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a framed picture of a woman, at the roaring J.D. VERONICA You can be so immature! J.D. (looking off) You kids are making too much damn noise. FRED DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway, holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette. FRED DEAN We beat the bitches. VERONICA (mumbling) Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home. FRED DEAN Judge told em to slurp shit and die. FRED DEAN crams the cassette in his V.C.R. and hefts up a chest exerciser. He begins pumping away as the image of a shabby building appears on the massive T.V. FRED DEAN I put a Norwegian in the boiler room. Masterful. When that blew, it set off a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs. The building blows up. FRED DEAN cackles. J.D. politely applauds. FRED pops out the videocassette and bounces away. FRED DEAN It's great to be alive! VERONICA Do you like your father? J.D. Never given the matter much thought. Liked my mother. J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw. J.D. They said her death was an accident. But she knew when the explosives were set to go off. She knew... VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern. VERONICA Let's just...settle down. Ms. Fleming has given us a chance to atone for... J.D. Our sins? What sins? If you put a Nazi in a concentration camp, does that make you a Nazi? VERONICA Maybe. J.D. exhales in frustration and changes some more channels. J.D. Whoa! Amazing! THE T.V. SCREEN A music video flashes on the Dead T.V. screen. THREE GORGEOUS WOMEN, stylishly furnished, evocatively wail the female moans heard throughout the film. The video viewpoint then pans to two overly gorgeous young men wearing trendy hair and trendy clothes. They sing/shout before an all-white background. A SUPER in the corner reads BIGFUN/TEENAGE SUICIDE (DON'T DO IT). BIGFUN (T.V.) TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW! PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW! J.D. It's the new BigFun video! VIDEO: INT. A GIRL'S BEDROOM--DAY Now in full screen, the video viewpoint cuts to a very depressed and very cute, white, female VID VICTIM ONE sitting at her dressing table. She pours a bottle of pills into her hand. BIGFUN (V.O.) BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO! BIGFUN magically materialize next to VID VICTIM ONE. The pills in her hand have turned into jellybeans. She is ridiculously happy. BIGFUN TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT! TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT! J.D. pulls out a gun with an ethereal expression on his face. J.D. We've made MTV. J.D. fires into the radiant image of BIGFUN, destroying the T.V. and disgusting VERONICA, who bolts off the couch. He raucously crawls after her. VERONICA We're breaking up. I am out! J.D. Wha-at? Come on, there's another T.V. in the kitchen. You know you used to have a sense of humor. J.D. playfully tackles VERONICA. This calms rather than angers. She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit. VERONICA You're getting too cool for me, J.D. I don't know how to talk to you. J.D. Our relationship's moving fast, I know, but I have real, real respect for you. VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and eventually into a walking-out-the-door position. VERONICA I'm going to make this Ms. Pauline thing work. Lines of communication between the cliques. You were a phase.... J.D. Phase my ass! You'll be back! I'm storming Normandy beaches and you're running in place with Pauline Fonda's airhead peacenik exercise program. Have to stay tough! You'll be back. J.D. bounds up to a kitchen counter and flicks on a small T.V. BIGFUN can be heard booming their song. J.D. broods. INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk as to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into the second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it. HEATHER DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8 by 10's. She gasps. The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses. Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK. HEATHER DUKE What the..... With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted marshmallows off each other's sticks. HEATHER DUKE (trying to stay clam) Where did you get these? J.D. Oh, I just had the nicest chat with Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's scary how everyone's got a story to tell....Would you care to see the canoeing shots? HEATHER DUKE What do you want from me? J.D. Strength. Westerburg doesn't need mushy togetherness, it needs a leader. Heather Chandler was that leader but... HEATHER DUKE But she couldn't handle it. J.D. laughs. She's on the ball. J.D. I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye Holden says his ideal job'd be making sure some kids don't fall off a cliff. He doesn't realize if you pay too much attention to the kids, you'll back off the cliff yourself. HEATHER DUKE Very very. The photographs? J.D. Don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor. You'll get the negatives and everything back then. J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk. J.D. In the meantime, strength, And hey, there's a little gift. INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her. A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet hands using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER DUKE winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off. HALLWAY HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather Chandler fashion to various passers-by. EARL FRAZIER'S LOCKER VERONICA genially lobbys the big black EARL FRAZIER. EARL Let me get it clear, Veronica. You want yourself a sweet homeboy for this T.V. show so you can show everybody what a loose, Martin Luther Cosby-lovng place Westerburg is. VERONICA (chuckling) Something like that. Will you do it? EARL Damn, you're a shrewd one. Shrewd. VERONICA I just want to show different kinds of people can get together and it doesn't have to be Vietnam. You don't get treated badly here do you? EARL I don't get treated at all, but hey, don't worry about it. I'll do your thing. It'll give my Mom a smile. VERONICA hands him a Guest Pass tag. VERONICA Things are going to change, Earl. EARL Uh-huh. HEATHER DUKE impishly blinds VERONICA with her hands. HEATHER DUKE Guess who? VERONICA Heather. HEATHER DUKE lets go with a small giggle. VERONICA turns to face her Heather Chandler-looking friend and her smile dies. VERONICA violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off. INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then... VERONICA Ouch. Your machine's got the most obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry. INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine. VERONICA (O.S./machine) I'm just calling to say you can wear your hair any way you want to. A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID. DAVID Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on anybody's carpet lately? VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA cringes. VERONICA Is this David? Heather's David? What are you doing.... HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM DAVID What can I say? I was pretty broken up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed somebody super-sensitive like Heather D. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA I'm delirious for the both of you. Can you put Heather on? HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap. DAVID She can't really talk right now. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away, VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night table drawer and draws up another address book; this one is frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and dials..... VERONICA Hello, Betty..... EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face. BETTY I don't believe it. I'm winning. VERONICA Don't get cocky, girl. BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up. BETTY I missed you. I know I'm not as, as exciting as your other friends. VERONICA That's bullshit. Just shoot. BETTY once again bends and raises. BETTY Ronnie, I'm still a virgin. VERONICA (warmly) Shoot. BETTY finally shoots. Feebly. VERONICA Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me. I'm afraid though it's time to get your butt kicked. BETTY Ronnie! VEONCIA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's. BETTY Hey, you're not settling for the two shots are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way. VERONICA It's not my style, okay? BETTY Nice guys finish last. I should know. VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing toward the porch and a statuesque HEATHER DUKE who does not budge as the ball whizzes past her. HEATHER DUKE Brav-o! BETTY FINN (nervously) I've got to get going, Veronica. See you at the studio. VERONICA Sure. See ya. HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory. HEATHER MCNAMARA Croquet won't be the same without Heather. HEATHER DUKE hustles back toward a passing BETTY FINN. HEATHER DUKE Oh Betty, wait. I almost forgot...The Whitney James Teenage Suicide Prevention T.V. Special isn't going to be taped at the studios. It's going to be done in the Park. BETTY But I thought... HEATHER DUKE (heading back) It's going to be like a big picnic. Bring some potato salad...HEY, I'M RED! LATER IN THE GAME HEATHER DUKE's red ball slams into HEATHER MCNAMARA's green one. HEATHER MCNAMARA Shit. VERONICA So did you call people to tell them how to get to the studio tonight? HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER MACNAMARA's ball into the flower bed. HEATHER DUKE Back off. I called everyone, even that Stoner slut. Felt like giving my phone a bath. I told Betty just now...Damn! HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket. VERONICA You're so polluted. Talking down to people, making fake notes.... VERONICA blows her shot. HEATHER DUKE I don't see what gives you the right to lecture, Ronnie. You were soulmates with Betty Finn until you realized you're the cover of Seventeen magazine and she's the before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad. HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares to send it. HEATHER DUKE Some people just don't matter. Why should those who do carry their weight? Am I right? As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack. VERONICA No, you're wrong. It's not even your turn. The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying against a tree, pipes in. HEATHER MCNAMARA She's right.....Boy, croquet's not the same without Heather. INT. WETC T.V. STATION--DUSK In a sleek WETC station hallway, VERONICA SAWYER, a Guest Pass affixed to her heart, holds her hand in a spurting drinking fountain. She watches the water splash her car lighter burn-mark. VERONICA Ich Luge bullets. I'm such a jerk. PETER DAWSON beams toward her, wearing a Guest Pass. PETER DAWSON Veronica, I thought we lost you. VERONICA I was waiting for my friend Betty. VERONICA looks at her watch then joins PETER's march down the hall. PETER DAWSON Teens talking it out on T.V.! Would it be pretentious of me to attach a videocassette of the show on my Princeton application? VERONICA Shucks, that's a great idea, Pete. They burst through the studio double doors. STUDIO VERONICA and PETER take in a panorama of attractive, clean-cut STUDENTS from various schools chatting near Wine and Cheese tables set up to the side of an impressive, elevated, circular stage. All STUDENTS are wearing pink armbands. PETER DAWSON This is excellent, but I thought we were going to get equal representation on this thind: Geeks, Gearheads... Out of nowhere, a bubbling HEATHER DUKE knots a pink armband around PETER's arm with a giggle. HEATHER DUKE They're probably just being fashionably late. PETER DAWSON prances off with a raucous laugh. VERONICA stares dumbfounded at the wicked homogeneity of the STUDENTS as HEATHER DUKE ties a pink armband on her. HEATHER DUKE Is this very or what? Oh, you've gotta meet Whitney James! Come on! HEATHER DUKE tugs VERONICA across the crowded studio floor to where the WETC news set is situated. Smoking casually in her anchor's chair is the beautiful WHITNEY JAMES. HEATHER DUKE Whitney, here's my friend..... WHITNEY JAMES Ah please sit down. HEATHER DUKE glides away. VERONICA uncomfortably steps onto the news set and moves down next to WHITNEY JAMES. WHITNEY JAMES I got a confession to make. My name used to be Heather, too. VERONICA But my name's not... WHITNEY JAMES People just don't take the name Heather seriously. They should, shouldn't they? WINE AND CHEESE TABLE HEATHER MCNAMARA surreptitiously picks up a bottle of wine and with a sad expression, proceeds to down it. THE NEWS SET VERONICA apologizes to a blissfully oblivious WHITNEY JAMES. VERONICA I'm so sorry. I was led to believe there were going to be different kinds of social and psychological types at this gathering. WHITNEY JAMES Oh, I was scared of the same thing, Heather. The minute you try to deal with the actual teenagers who have contemplated suicide you're stepping into quicksand. Quicksand filled with bad complexions, bad grades, bad parents, bad drugs, and all sorts of doody nobody wants to hear let alone bend down to clean up. WHITNEY JAMES tears open a bag of Corn Nuts and showers some into her mouth. She speaks as she sucks and chews. WHITNEY JAMES I'm not knocking teen suicide. It's exciting stuff. My personal faves are those kids from loaded families grabbing the mike to whine how even though they bagged a B.M.W. on their birthday, they're still quote-unquote depressed. It's ridiculous. People who say money can't buy happiness don't know where to shop. WHITNEY JAMES titters. VERONICA is a statue of mortification. EXT. THE NEIGHBORHOOD PARK--TWILIGHT In the neighborhood park, gloomy members of various cliques sit in silence at picnic tables. All are ludicrously wearing Guest Passes. BETTY FINN mumbles down to her potato salad. EARL FRAZIER stoically stares off into space. Heavy Metaler CLYDE holds an absurdly large picnic basket. CLYDE What the fuck? NEWS SET Completely flabbergasted, VERONICA manages a light tone. VERONICA The world wants winners, I guess. Not people stained with loserness. WHITNEY JAMES Stained with loserness. Oh, I like it. Can I use that. It'd be dynamite on interoffice memoranda. VERONICA It's all yours, Heather. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up. WHITNEY JAMES Sure. Ciao. STUDIO FLOOR Sickened, VERONICA stumbles onto the studio floor. Studio lights suddenly pop on, momentarily blinding her. PAULINE grabs VERONICA by the arm and shouts into the air. PAULINE Everyone take their places on the stage! (to Veronica) Isn't this thrilling?! VERONICA But Ms. Fleming, it's just not right. PAULINE What, the wine? I realize you're all under 21, but it seemed like such a perfect touch. (shouting upward) Could we get some more light up here? THE STAGE The pink armbanded Aryan youths form a circle on the circular stage. Pauline moves to a microphone at the center stage beside a seated WHITNEY JAMES who's tuning her electric guitar. VERONICA helplessly stands between the circle of STUDENTS and the two female hosts as the cameras go on. PAULINE sings/speaks into the microphone while WHITNEY JAMES strums her guitar. PAULINE Our schools have been torn apart by tragedy. Let's fuse them back together through love. Let's clasp hands and connect ourselves in one mighty circuit like a dove. The students sthereally reach out to each other and clasp hands. VERONICA quivers for a moment then bursts through a handholding HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA and off the stage. PAULINE (O.S.) Let's begin a new happiness... VERONICA swaggers past a seated TECHNICIAN. He pushes up a console lever causing the outer edge of the stage, where the circle of hand-holding students is, to slowly spin around the singing PAULINE and the strumming WHITNEY JAMES. PAULINE ...with no more suicide... STUDENTS (eeriely) Oh yeah... Ripping off her pink armband, VERONICA freezes. Standing at the wine and cheese table, gunslinger coat and all, is J.D. He turns around and raises his wine glass for a gleeful toast. J.D. Holy traumatic experiences, Batman. I'm sorry you felt you had to put yourself through all that shit. I told you it wouldn't...Hey, it's in the past already, right? PAULINE No more problems.... Devastated, VERONICA sways back toward the TECHNICIAN's console. VERONICA Oh yeah. VERONICA slams the lever back down forcing the spinning circle of handholding, pink-armbanded STUDENTS to crash to the ground around a taken-aback PAULINE and WHITNEY JAMES. J.D. Cute. WHITNEY JAMES playfully lets off a Hendrixian riff before coolly leaning over to her microphone. WHITNEY JAMES Let's go for another take. OUTSIDE STUDIO DOORS VERONICA bursts through the studio doors, panting rapidly. She kicks off her shoes and begins to jog barefoot through the station hallway, weaving through various REPORTER-types. EXT. OUTSIDE T.V. STATION--TWILIGHT VERONICA pops out the studio door, running faster. GRAVELLY ROAD She sprints down the side of a road. Her bare feet pound against sharp pebbles. THE NEIGHBORHOOD PARK VERONICA now barrels through the neighborhood park. She looks to her outcast classmates. In tableau, they stare back. BETTY FINN on a park carousel spins in and out of view. PROMENADE VERONICA speeds past the shops and the movie theatre. The viewer remains at the theatre ticket booth as MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK wearing a BIGFUN T-shirt, pushes three dollars through the ticket window to a bored female cashier. CASHIER Bargain matinees are for the first show only. MARTHA Oh, I forgot. MARTHA puts two crumpled bucks through the window. The CASHIER shines a cruelly patronizing smile. INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM--NIGHT VERONICA huffs and puffs into her family room where her MOM and DAD are watching T.V. DAD Hey Veronica, how'd that Teenage Prevention T.V. Suicide thing go? VERONICA Color me educated. I learned high school happiness is for members only, Pauline Fleming wouldn't know reality if it lived in her uterus, and reality's name's Heather James. Also, J.D.'s a major creep. MOM I don't know what you're talking about, honey, but can it wait a bit. We're watching this special program on Teen Problems. VERONICA half-bitterly laughs at the irony. INT. MOVIE THEATRE The light of the screen flickers on an overwhelmingly sullen MARTHA. She moves her leg and knocks a large Coke across the floor. She tragically stares at the Cola pool. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM A DAN RATHER VOICE booms from the T.V. The SAWYERS stare. DAN RATHER VOICE (O.S.) Oh sure, I'll bet even back when I went to school there were drugs, even sex, but they were simpler times. The Sherwood suicides tell the bitter truth of today's young. What a waste...Oh VERONICA snaps off the T.V. MOM Turn that back on! VERONICA This condescending junk makes suicide seem like a cool thing to do. Hey kids, make your parents and teachers feel like shit! Get the respect in death you'll never get in life. DAD If we're not going to watch that program, can I put on the game? MOM Are you trying to tell me it is not a troubled time for the nation's youth? VERONICA Everybody cares for youth but nobody cares about Joey Blow. When that news reporter gets home he'll scream at his son for not mowing the lawn in the right pattern. MOM I'm lost. You don't get enough attention, you get too much attention. Which is it? Where are your shoes? VERONICA All we want is to be treated like human beings, not like guinea pigs to be experimented on and not like bunny rabbits to be patronized. DAD I don't patronize bunny rabbits. MOM Treated like human beings? Is that what you said little Miss Voice of a Generation? Just how do you think adults act with other adults? You think it's all just Doubles Tennis. Adults can be horrible to other adults. When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings. VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile. VERONICA I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being. MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly gestures to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile. MOM You'll live. Want some pate? HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room. HEATHER DUKE Hi everyone, door was open. Veronica, you missed it! Pauline and Whitney James were up there doing there suicide rap when the cops come in and announce that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She gave the ticket girl at the Colfax theatre a suicide note then bellyflopped in front of a car. VERONICA (repulsed) Is she dead? HEATHER DUKE That's the punchline. She's still alive, in stable condition. Another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people of the school and failing miserably. Is that pate? VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face. INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw. VERONICA is on the ground wiping off her bloodied feet. VERONICA I said I was sorry. HEATHER DUKE You are out of control. Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers. VERONICA You're not funny. Ouch! VERONICA rubs her feet. HEATHER DUKS shakes her head. HEATHER DUKE (Heather Chandleresque) What. A. Martyr. Understand; Martha couldn't take the heat so she got out of the kitchen. Just think what a better place the world would be if every nimrod followed her cue. VERONICA Just shut up and turn on the radio. Hot Probs is on. HEATHER DUKE Oh shit, yeah. HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air. TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio) I know it's supposed to be funny that they never get off the island, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island and Gilligan can be just so stupid sometimes. HEATHER DUKE This sounds like a good one. INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH A slob D.J. cackles into a W.E.T.C. conference call-type box. D.J. Dude, you've got to remember if it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost! Next call! TROUBLED MALE VOICE But Skipper hates me.... The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE. D.J. Whoa, they're coming out early tonight. What ever happened to teen pregnancy and acne? You've got the Dogcatcher on W etcetera and you're listening to Hot Probs. Who am I talking to? INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom floor talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim Minnie Mouse lamp provides the room's only light. HEATHER MCNAMARA My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather. HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall. HEATHER MCNAMARA It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that. HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to her Minnie Mouse lamp. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned kneeling positions, half-realizing who the caller is... D.J. (radio) Hey babe, I need a name? RADIO STATION BOOTH The D.J. looks to the conference call box with exasperation. HEATHER MCNAMARA (box) My name is Minnie. D.J. Ah, Minnie. Don't tell me, Mickey just confessed he got A.I.D.S. from Goofy at a New Year's Eve Party. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs. HEATHER MCNAMARA God has cursed me, I think. The last time I had sex, the guy killed himself the next day. I'm failing Math. VERONICA'S BEDROOM HEATHER DUKE excitedlly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on. HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio) Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess. Heather! We'll I was supposed to be crucify her! captain of the cheerleading team, but I probably won't VERONICA because I miss practice when Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and.... INT. CLASSROOM--DAY A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER. VERONICA (V.O.) Heather told everyone about Heather. HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA, monocle in eye, writes in her diary. VERONICA (V.O.) Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head has sprouted in its place like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would know about. Heather's even doing the old note trick. A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK. VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom. VERONICA (V.O.) I did it J.D.'s way. I did it Pauline's way. Nothing's changed. I guess that's Heather's way. And jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get him out of my head. Are we going to the Prom? Or to Hell? And where's Heather going? HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom, passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase. GRUFF TEACHER Where's Heather going? HEATHER DUKE She's going to cry-y-y. INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills. HEATHER MCNAMARA Fucking child protector caps. THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door. GRUFF TEACHER Now where's she going? Is somebody getting raped today on All My Children or what? GIRLS BATHROOM The bottle is smashed open. A palmful of pills is poured out. HALLWAY VERONICA races down the hall. GIRLS BATHROOM HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills. She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but no water comes out. She manages to mumble. HEATHER MCNAMARA Give me a break. HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's face causing the pills to explode out of her mouth. HEATHER MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor. HEATHER MCNAMARA What are you trying to do? Kill me? VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor. VERONICA What were you trying to do? Sleep? HEATHER MCNAMARA Suicide is a private thing. VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure, VERONICA slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA. VERONICA You're giving your life away to become a goddamn statistic in U.S. Fucking A Today. That's got to be the least private thing I can think of. HEATHER MCNAMARA But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt? VERONICA If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you? HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly. HEATHER MCNAMARA Probably.... VERONICA Hey now, if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host. HEATHER MCNAMARA Let's knock off early. Go to the mall. Something lame like that. VERONICA Sure. INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles. J.D. So it's come to this. (turning to the viewer) Heather Chandler did polls. I want you to do a Petition, as a favor, as the favor. Do you know the group Big Fun? HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching the manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter. HEATHER DUKE TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT! J.D. (post-chortle) Some teenybopper rag says Big Fun wants to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's if we can get everyone's John Hancock. J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer printout sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word PETITION. HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it, giggling. HEATHER DUKE I'll get right on it coach. And hey, a little gift. I won't be needing it. HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a pleased J.D. INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the sunlight blasting through the staircase window. INT. CAFETERIA--DAY HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the Country Club Kids table. COURTNEY Oh great. Here comes Heather. COURTNEY'S FRIEND Shit. INT. SCHOOL BUS--DAY HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS. EXT. BLEACHERS--DAY The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a bleacher of Jocks. STAIRCASE WINDOW HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of the staircase window. INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT--NIGHT Now in Heavy Metal gear, HEATHER DUKE slams down the petition atop a booth of Metalheads. INT. THE SMOKE-FILLED HALLWAY--DAY 139 Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner Hallway smoke, with the petition. THE STAIRCASE WINDOW HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until VERONICA's perplexed voice cuts into her bliss. VERONICA (O.S.) Heather? HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps. HEATHER DUKE Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've gotten everyone to sign this petition even the one who think BigFun are tuneless Eurofags. People love me! (giggling) My God, you haven't signed! VERONICA People love you but I know you. Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed was to put a jacuzzi in the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton... HEATHER DUKE (verbally winking) So some people need different kinds of "convincing" than others.... (happiness evaporating) Hey, just sign the petition! VERONICA Don't talk to me like that. HEATHER DUKE It was J.D.'s idea! He made out the signature sheet and everything. Now will you sign it? VERONICA (queasy) No. HEATHER DUKE Jealous much? VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might. VERONICA Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch? HEATHER DUKE Because I can be! The same fucking cheek, goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick? Do you think, do you really think, if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh! HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs. J.D.'s voice cuts into VERONICA's concentration. J.D. (O.S.) Wanna go out tonight? VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D. J.D. Catch a movie? Miniature Golf? VERONICA (jokingly but caustically) I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open and making it look like a suicide. J.D. I could be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye, if you know what I mean. So are we on? VERONICA somberly steps forward to J.D., grabs his elbows, then pulls him gently, seemingly for a kiss. She spits in his face and bolts down the stairs, calling up to him. VERONICA It's over, J.D. Over! J.D. I don't get it! You were wrong! I was right! Strength, damnit! Come back! INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through the front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused. VERONICA Yes? MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks. MOM Your friend Jason Dean just stopped by. He seemed very concerned about you. He said he thinks you might try to kill yourself. DAD You have been depressed lately. Oh, he said this is for you. DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open. The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE HANDWRITING? VERONICA Oh my God.... VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her. MOM (O.S.) He says we should keep you away from sharp objects, closed garages, toxic... VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA vaults through her bedroom door. A Barbie doll wearing a BigFun T-shirt hangs from a noose. With a whimper, she swerves away from it and dives onto her bed. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOUSE--NIGHT J.D. laconically leans against his motorcycle with his legs suavely crossed. He looks up to Veronica's bedroom window and hears another whimper emerge. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it with a smile. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA curls into a fetal position on her bed and closes her eyes.....tighter and tighter as J.D.'s voice. J.D. (O.S.) "You can't ever find a place nice and peaceful because there isn't any." VERONICA flops around to see J.D. kneeling over her on her bed reading Heather Duke's copy of The Catcher in the Rye. J.D. Nice. It's got that Catcher-in-the-Ryey- I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me- so-let's-commit-suicide ambience. Give it a try, underline something. J.D. giddily underlines words then slides into a prone position, tossing the book to an enraged VERONICA. VERONICA Get off my bed, you sick psycho! You think you're a rebel! You're not a rebel! You're a sick psycho! Do you think you're a rebel? Do you think you're a rebel? I wanna know! J.D. "You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's call the whole thing off...Hold it! VERONICA freezes and J.D. reaches up to her hand where she holds the Catcher in the Rye. Her index finger is curled into the book. Sitting up, J.D. carefully opens the book at that place and peers in. J.D. Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I love it. I usually go for whole sentences myself, but hey this is perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious... VERONICA Wait a....You're not listening! I'm not on your side.... J.D. obliviously underlines the word then pulls the flailing VERONICA up like an enthusiastic camp counselor. INT. THE DUKE KITCHEN--NIGHT The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. J.D. moves to the dishwasher and opens it like a burglar opening a safe. VERONICA You're still not listening! I'm not.. J.D. (pulling out the knife) Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag. VERONICA (taking the knife from him) This knife is filthy. J.D. What in the hell do you think I'm doing? Taking out her tonsils? VERONICA I think I know Heather a bit better than you, okay? If she was going to slash her wrists, the knife would be absolutely spotless. J.D. grabs a dishtowel and vigorously wipes off the knife. J.D. How's this? Can you see your fucking reflection? She can and so can the viewer. Tears well in VERONICA's eyes. She begins to shudder, a shattered smile quaking on her face. VERONICA Tomorrow someone else will move into her place. That person could be me. (suddenly deliriously defiant) Ha, there's only one of us who knows Heather's handwriting and if you think I'm doing another suicide note. J.D. (laughing) You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself. We don't need gloves and does anyone really care about exact handwriting? J.D. tears his gloves off with a giggle. He takes a pen from the kitchen counter and paper from a cutesy memo pad. He shoves the pen in VERONICA's hand and grabbing her hand, forces her to scribble LIFE SUCKS on the paper. J.D. Perfecto. Man, I've even got a marked-up Catcher in the Rye. What else does a suicide need? J.D. pulls out the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and opens a door revealing HEATHER DUKE, asleep in an artful pose on a couch, MTV images from the T.V. flashing against her. J.D. (raising the knife) If you'll excuse me...... VERONICA No-o! J.D. hops in the adjoinging room and slams the door. VERONICA races to the door wailing. She maniacally rattles the doorknob trying to open the locked door. INT. AN ANOYNYMOUS T.V. The sound of the rattling doorknob subtly turns into wild African music thundering on the soundtrack as WHITNEY JAMES, in a T.V. screen, maniacally addresses the viewer. A shiny number 4 flashes on and off in the corner. INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY In speeded-up imagery, DENNIS, PETER, and the YEARBOOK GIRL manuever pictures of HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, and HEATHER DUKE in mind-bogglingly countless ways in order to accomodate them all on the same two page layout. INT. FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA--DAY With even more speeded-up imagery, four STUDENTS wearing "What a Waste, Oh the Humanity" T-shirts toss out tons of black armbands into a hungry crowd. INT. FUNERAL HOME--DAY The wild African music and the speeded up imagery slams to a halt at the sigh of HEATHER DUKE lying serenely in a coffin. FATHER FAUST wearing dark sunglasses and a terrifying toupee, walks in front of her to address a sizable group of ADULTS and STUDENTS sitting in foldout chairs before him. FATHER FAUST dramatically looks over the crowd before finally speaking. FATHER RIPPER Eskimo. FATHER RIPPER lets the word hang in the air, then holds up the copy of The Catcher in the Rye. FATHER RIPPER Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of The Catcher in the Rye, but I believe the word Eskimo, underlined all by itself is the key to understanding Heather's pain. VERONICA stands in a corner with an "Oh brother" look on her face. FATHER RIPPER On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady we all knew her to be. But her soul was in Antartica, freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way parents can be unresponsive, and as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note, the way life can suck. We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo. Let's hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus. HEATHER CHANDLER moves next to VERONICA holding a plate of steaming spaghetti. She is wearing nerdy glasses and something that looks like an intergalactic prison unifrom. HEATHER CHANDLER Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least seventy more people at my funeral. VERONICA Heather? Wha... HEATHER CHANDLER Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is s-o-o boring. If I have to sing "Kumbaya" one more time... VERONICA What are you doing here?! HEATHER CHANDLER I made your favorite. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano. With a squeal, HEATHER CHANDLER plunges VERONICA's face into the plate of spaghetti. HEATHER CHANDLER Dinner! INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT Uncurling from the fetal position that she had fallen asleep in, VERONICA's tightly closed eyes snap open in a sweat as her mother's voice continues to filter through the door. It's all been a dream........... MOM (O.S.) Dinner! Veronica! Dinner! VERONICA closes her eyes and holds her heart. She suddenly launches to her desk, opens her diary, shoves on her monocle, catches her breath, and begins writing. VERONICA (O.S.) Dear Diary, no one can stop J.D. Not the F.B.I., the C.I.A., or the P.T.A. That is to say, no one but me. I know where J.D. is coming from and where he is heading. He's wrong, but I'm going to teach him what's right. I'm going to stop J.D....If it's the last thing I do. VERONICA leans back in her chair, sweating. She reaches in the pocket of a blazer draped over the back of the chair and pulls out the cigarette J.D. had given her eariler in the film. She puts it in her mouth unlit then takes it out and puts it back in the blazer. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOME--NIGHT J.D. remains laconically leaning against his motorcycle with his legs suavely crossed as he was before Veronica began dreaming. J.D. finishes his cigarette and pulls out a gun. He checks the bullets, puts the gun back in his coat, and heads toward the house. VERONICA'S BEDROOM VERONICA hugs J.F.K. the cat then rips down the hanging Barbie. EXT. THE SAWYER FRONT YARD J.D. leans a ladder against the Sawyer house. INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE MOM sets down three plates of spaghetti. DAD watches on. MOM Does she want a written invitation? (yelling upward) Veronica! Dinner! VERONICA'S BEDROOM J.D. crawls through VERONICA's window. Hanging from the rafter, neck in a noose of bedshoots, is VERONICA. INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE MOM sets a glass of milk at VERONICA's place, distressed. MOM Honey? VERONICA'S BEDROOM J.D. paces the room, sweating and ranting, waving a gun in one hand, the Barbie doll in the other. J.D. I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Sure, I climbed up here to kill you, but first I was going to try and get you back. With amazing petition. J.D. throws the gun on the bed and pulls from his coat the computer printout sheet petition, then savagely rolls it out on the floor. It is filled with signatures of different sizes, styles, and colors. J.F.K. blinks. J.D. It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed. J.D. flicks open a switchblade. He runs the blade beneath the typed paragraph at the top causing it to peel off, reavealing another typed paragraph. J.D. Listen. "We students of Westerburg High will die. Today. Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades is. Fuck you all." Not that subtle but neither's blowing up the school. Talk about your suicide pacts. When our school explodes tomorrow, it's going to be the kind of thing that infects a generation. A Woodstock for the 80's. Damn, we coulda toasted marshmallows together. MOM (O.S.) Honey, are you all right in there? J.D. swiftly picks up the petition and heads out the window. MOM enters the room and, seeing her hanging daughter, launches into frantic screams. MOM Oh God, I knew it! No, no! I want my baby back! I should have let you keep that job at the mall. I was just afraid of you coming home alone at night! VERONICA opens her eyes. MOM I made your favorite! Spaghetti! Lots of oregano! VERONICA undos the noose around her neck but still remains hanging for the rope runs all the way down her back beneath her blazer and is tied around her waist. She undos the waist- knot and lands on her bed. She quickly puts a small pillow over the left-behind gun, unnoticed by her dazed MOM. VERONICA Hey Mom, why so tense? THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE Montage music plays as VERONICA rears up from her dinner plate to see her stonefaced PARENTS and her CAT staring at her. INT. J.D.'S BEDROOM--NIGHT J.D. tools with a bomb at his desk. A KNOCK on the door. J.D. turns down his stereo (and the Montage music). FRED DEAN (O.S.) I need some help with my homework... J.D. Sorry tiger, I'm a little busy.... J.D. turns back up his stereo (and the Montage music). EXT. FRONT OF WESTERBERG HIGH--MORNING The Montage music continues as school buses arrive in front of the school. STUDENTS pour out. EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--MORNING STUDENTS come out of their cars. INT. HALLWAY--MORNING Typically hectic start-of-another-day-opening-and-slamming-of- locker-action. VERONICA darts through the thoroughfare to her locker. A passing PAULINE FLEMING screeches to a halt, grabbing VERONICA as she chokes on some styrofoam cup coffee. PAULINE Veronica! J.D. told me you committed suicide last night! VERONICA Where is he? Where's J.D.? PAULINE We have to talk. Whether to kill yourself is one of the most important decisions a teenager has to make. VERONICA Get a job. VERONICA storms away to her nearby locker. She swirls her locker combination and opens it. She glances down the hall and freezes. In the distance, J.D. moves mechanically down the hallway carrying a large gym bag, wearing a Walkman. VERONICA climbs into her locker. She closes it until it is barely perceptibly ajar. J.D. strides past the locker and into the Boys bathroom. BOYS BATHROOM J.D smoothly moves into a stall and closes the door. He turns off his Walkman and ends the Montage music. THE HALLWAY The hallway slowly clears as STUDENTS go to class. The bell rings. A LATE STUDENT races through the empty hallway. VERONICA carefully hatches out of her locker. She treads down the hallway as if something were about to jump out at her. THE GYM A group of cheerleaders including HEATHER MCNAMARA are lazily doing cartwheels on the gym floor. On a small stage set up beside them, other STUDENTS are putting up folding chairs. PRINCIPAL GOWAN says "Testing" into a microphone. J.D., toting the gym bag, quietly opens the gym door and slips inside. He swiftly moves unnoticed to a position underneath the bleachers. THE HALLWAY VERONICA peers around a corner to see an empty hallway. UNDER THE BLEACHERS Using heavy black masking tape, J.D. tapes a thermal bomb to a steel support beneath the bleachers. Other thermal bombs can be discerned taped to other supports. THE EMPTY HALLWAY VERONICA cautiously treads down the empty hallway, trying to keep in control. Suddenly, packs of STUDENTS burst from classroom doors behind VERONICA. The excited swarms of STUDENTS move toward and past VERONICA, who has braked her troubled treading to stiffly contemplate her passing peers. She latches onto Geek RODNEY in a panic. RODNEY looks down at his clutched arm with a nervous smile. VERONICA Rodney, where's everybody going? RODNEY It's Friday..... VERONICA Oh my God, the damn pep assembly.... RODNEY Yeah, these things are pretty artificial, but at least we all get out of class... VERONICA ignores RODNEY's amiable attemots at conversation to inquisitively move forward through the crowd. THE GYM J.D. darts from out underneath the bleachers to the gym doors. He pops the doors open and sees the crowd of STUDENTS move toward the gym. He suavely pauses then dashes down a nearby set of stairs. THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE GYM VERONICA continues to tensely surf the tidal wave of STUDENTS heading for the gymnasium. She stops to watch her classmates file into the gym like lemmings with increasing sense of dread. She again latches onto a passing RODNEY. VERONICA Rodney, what's underneath the gym? RODNEY (unconsciously) dramatically stops, turns to VERONICA. and says........ RODNEY The boiler room. VERONICA blanches then lunges through the crowd. She topples a couple disgruntled STUDENTS before careening down the staircase beside the gym. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BOILER ROOM J.D. walks by the firm glass windows of the boiler room, eyeing the pounding generators inside. He stops at a heavy steel door. Placing down his gym bag, J.D. proceeds to swiftly pick the lock. He swings open the steel door. VERONICA (O.S.) May I see your hall pass? J.D. weilds around. A sweating VERONICA moves toward him, pointing the bedroom gun at him. J.D. I knew that loose was too noose! I mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you! VERONICA Like father, like son. A serious-as- fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll set off a pack of thermals upstairs. Okay, so let's start by slowly putting the bomb down on the ground. J.D. looks down at the gym bag already on the ground. He folds his arms and smiles. VERONICA forcefully moves closer. VERONICA Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that. Put your hands on your head. J.D. You didn't say Simon Says. J.D. suddenly kicks out into VERONICA's stomach, doubling her over and causing her to drop the gun. J.D. gracefully retrieves it. THE GYM The pep assembly is in full swing with rowdy STUDENTS in the bleachers earthily shouting, giggling cheerleaders making swaying pyramids, valiant band members struggling to be heard. Various Jocks, including EARL, stand on the stage with PRINCIPAL GOWAN as a YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER flashes away. THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE BOILER ROOM VERONICA bends over quivering and clutching her bruised ribs. J.D. raises the gun to her head. J.D. Live by the sword... VERONICA swings her left arm up knocking J.D.'s gun hand upward. She then sails her right fist into his face. The blow annoys him more than it hurts him but J.D.'s momentary loss of composure allows VERONICA to come in with another much harder right hook. The blow sends J.D. stumbling back against the boiler room, jarring the gun loose. They simultaneously lunge for the gun. VERONICA, having the better grip, pulls so forecfully that after wrenching the gun from J.D., she loses control of it, flinging it down the hall. VERONICA pops up to retrieve it but J.D. moves his legs scissors-style around her and trips her. THE PREP ASSEMBLY The assembly mindlessly blares on. Cheerleader HEATHER MCNAMARA rah-rah-rahs. RODNEY and the other Geeks pass around a pair of opera glasses, all intensely scoping out the cheerleaders. A group of STONERS toke away beneath the bleachers, one of them lackadaisically leaning against a thermal bomb. THE BOILER ROOM HALLWAY A snarling J.D. stands up, pulling VERONICA with him. J.D. You think just because you started this thing, you can end it? J.D. violently kisses/bites VERONICA. While kissing, VERONICA sees a fire alarm on a nearby wall. She closes her eyes then savagely knees J.D. in the groin. VERONICA bolts to the alarm and pulls it down. Nothing happens. J.D. gasps. J.D. You, really didn't think I'd, forget, forget, to disconnect the.... VERONICA rockets her body down and picks up the gun. J.D. grabs her and throws her against the steel boiler room door. A jostled VERONICA raises the gun. J.D. howls then bounds toward VERONICA, causing them both to careen down the steel steps of the boiler room. At the same time, he inadvertently kicks the gym bag/bomb down along with them. The gun spins from VERONICA's hand and slides away. The bomb flies out of the bag onto the boiler room floor. A digital clock on the bomb clicks on at 5:00....4:59....4:58... THE PEP ASSEMBLY The frenzied pep assembly crowd is now doing "The Wave". BETTY FINN and her similar co-horts deliriously get into the act, all sit in a circle at the bottom rows of the bleachers, pouting as STUDENTS bounce up and down around them. EARL and the other Jocks stand on the stage grinning and preening before the crowd. THE BOILER ROOM VERONICA and J.D. are in a heap at the bottom of the boiler room steps. VERONICA faintly works into a semi-sitting position and gives an astonished glance to the bomb, its digital clock clicking to 3:00. VERONICA crawls to the gun and levels it at a rousing-up J.D. VERONICA The bomb's gone on, J.D.! How do you turn it off? Tell me! Fully standing, J.D. flicks open his switchblade. He gives VERONICA "the finger," screaming in exploded saliva... J.D. Fuck you! Seething, VERONICA shoots up at J.D. blowing off "the finger." Shrieking in pain, J.D. drops the knife to hold this sudden geyser of blood. VERONICA achingly stands, pointing the gun. The bomb clicks down to 2:25. VERONICA It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it. J.D. You want to wipe the slate clean as much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school because nobody loves me. You have a purpose though! Remember? Let's face it, the only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven. VERONICA fires the gun at J.D.'s feet. The bomb clicks to 1:49. VERONICA How do you turn the fucker off? J.D. You're not listening. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say there's a school that self-destructed not because society didn't care, but because that school was society. Is that deep or what? I'll let you put it in your diary, babe. Free of charge. VERONICA The bomb, asshole! J.D. Just push the red button twice. That's what stops it. If that's what you want, babe? VERONICA You know what I want, babe? J.D. What? VERONICA fires the gun twice into J.D.'s throat. Coughing and moaning, he splatters against a generator. VERONICA Cool guys like you out of my life. VERONICA saunters to J.D.'s writhing body. VERONICA But babe, don't worry, these here were Ich Luge bullets. J.D. closes his eyes and slumps to the ground. VERONICA turns to the bomb and crouches over it. A lit green light is next to a green button. Above it, an unlit red light is next to a red button. The bomb's digital clock clicks to 00:17. VERONICA presses the red button twice, turning on the red light and stopping the clock. VERONICA falls back into a sitting position and sorely exhales, tears streaming down her face. THE PEP ASSEMBLY A cheerleader does a cartwheel in slow motion as eerie music plays. The manic crowd in the bleachers vibrates in slow motion as well. At normal speed, VERONICA walks to the doors of the Gym and peers in. The panorama of roaring students, posing jocks, and prancing cheerleaders continues to unfold in slow motion. VERONICA walks away from the gym. EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL DAY VERONICA wearily pushes open the front door and emerges outside of the school. She closes her eyes to therapeutically bask in the sun's rays. A slight smile trembles onto her face. A strange voice kills it. J.D. (O.S.) Color me impressed. J.D. stands starkly in the distance before her, blood spurting from his throat onto his gunslinger coat. He painfully speaks through his assasinated vocal cords. J.D. You really fucked me up, Veronica. VERONICA (vertigo city) I thought I...you.. J.D. You've got power, Veronica. Power I didn't think you had. The slate is clean. J.D. pulls open his coat revealing that the bomb is attached to his torso. The green light is on and the clock says 00:10..00:09. J.D. Pretend I did blow up the school. All the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life? VERONICA takes the unlit cigrette from her blazer pocket and puts it in her mouth. She then folsd her arms. VERONICA Perfecto. J.D. raises his arms in a crucifixion pose as the bomb clicks to 0:00. Nothing happens. An annoyed J.D. breaks out of his crucifixion stance and raps the bomb with his palm. THE PEP ASSEMBLY The sound of the bomb explosion plunges the cheering up-and- down pep assembly into chaos. Wailing students pour out of the bleachers screaming less out of fear than a "Whoa Dude" sense of excitement. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL VERONICA stands in the same position in front of the school with her arms still folded. Only now her cigarette is lit and her face and clothes are blackened in ash. Flames flicker in bushes behind her. VERONICA drags on the cigarette and turns to go inside. INT. THE FRONT HALLWAY VERONICA strolls into the school and into a hallway of howling students, some of whom are tearing down Prom banners for the thrill of it. HEATHER DUKE rushes up to VERONICA and grimaces. HEATHER DUKE Veronica, you look like hell. VERONICA Yeah, I just got back. VERONICA tosses away the cigarette. She then grabs HEATHER DUKE by the shoulders and forcibly turns her around. HEATHER DUKE What are you doing? VERONICA Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town. VERONICA takes off HEATHER DUKE's red ribbon and ties it around the hair of her own head. She kisses HEATHER DUKE on the cheek, leaving a black stain. VERONICA calls off. VERONICA Hey, Martha, wait up. MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK revealed to be in an electric wheelchair, brakes to a stop and looks to Veronica, confused. VERONICA walks up beside her. MARTHA starts up her wheelchair and accompanies VERONICA away into a deserted hallway. VERONICA My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me, so I thought if you weren't doing anything that night we could go to the video store and rent some new releases or something. Maybe pop some popcorn. MARTHA I'd like that. VERONICA So would I. VERONICA and MARTHA continue gliding down the hall Bogart/Rains style.