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Horrible Bosses Movie Script

Writer(s) : Michael Markowitz

Genres : Comedy, Crime

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                           HORRIBLE BOSSES
                         
                         
                         
                             Written by
                         
                         Michael Markowitz


                         
                                                    April 14, 2010

        FADE IN:
                         
          1 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT 1
                         
           Looking incredibly weary, NICK WATERS, 30's, enters his
           apartment in his business suit. He stumbles into --
                         
                         
          2 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 2
                         
           He drops his briefcase, strips off his jacket, loosens
           his tie and collapses onto the bed like a dead man. PAN
           OVER TO the alarm clock which reads "1:23 AM."
                         
           MATCH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          3 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING 3
                         
           The alarm clock now reads "4:59 AM." It switches to
           "5:00" and a BLARING BUZZER goes off. Nick sits up in
           bed, shuts off the buzzer and painfully forces himself
           out of bed. He hurries out of the bedroom, passing the
           saddest, deadest houseplant in history.
                         
                         
          4 INT. NICK'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 4
                         
           Nick opens his fridge to reveal a wasteland of moldy
           leftover containers and crusty condiments. The orange
           juice container he grabs is empty.
                         
                          NICK
           Damn.
                         
           He opens the freezer. It contains nothing but multiple
           boxes of "Jimmy Dean's Breakfast Bowl -- with Bacon!" He
           pops one in the microwave, then glances over at a framed
           photo of a slightly younger Nick kissing a smiling OLD
           WOMAN on the cheek. The frame reads: "I Y Grandma!"
           Nick sighs sadly.
                         
                         
          5 INT. NICK'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 5
                         
           Nick sits on the toilet eating his breakfast bowl with a
           fork. He takes some toilet paper from the roll and wipes
           his mouth with it.
                         
                         
          6 INT. NICK'S SHOWER - MOMENTS LATER 6
                         
           Nick showers while simultaneously brushing his teeth and
           shaving. He loses track and brushes his face with the
           toothbrush.
           2.
                         
                         
          7 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 7
                         
           Nick hastily grabs work clothes from his messy drawers
           and closet. Clearly, no laundry has been done in a
           while.
                         
                         
          8 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER 8
                         
           Nick hurriedly buttons his shirt, tucks it in and begins
           tying his tie as the elevator reaches the lobby.
                         
                         
          9 INT. NICK'S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER 9
                         
           As he drives to work, he dials a number and transfers it
           to speakerphone.
                         
           JENNA (V.O.)
                          (GROGGY)
           Hello?
                         
                          NICK
                          (CHEERY)
           Hey, Jenna, it's Nick.
                         
           JENNA (V.O.)
           It's five-thirty in the morning,
           Nick.
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah, sorry. This is like the
           only time I have to make any
           personal calls. I just wanted to
           see if you felt like going out
           again because I had a great time
           with you on our last date.
                         
           JENNA (V.O.)
           Our last date was two weeks ago.
           You haven't called me since.
                         
                          NICK
           I know and that's my bad. I've
           been swamped at work --
                         
           JENNA (V.O.)
           Yeah, I remember. Work was all
           you talked about when we went out.
                         
                          NICK
           Right. Well, I'm up for a
           promotion which will give me a lot
           more free time --
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           3.
                         9 CONTINUED: 9
                         
           JENNA (V.O.)
           Listen, I'm actually seeing
           someone. And even if I weren't,
           the last thing I need is some
           career-obsessed guy complaining
           about work all the time. See you
           around, Nick.
                         
           She hangs up.
                         
                         
          10 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - SHORT TIME LATER 10
                         
           A soulless four-story building in a drab office park.
           Nick exits his car and runs full-speed to the entrance.
                         
                         
          11 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 11
                         
           Nick bursts through the doors and looks at his watch. It
           reads "6:02." He looks up at a security camera with a
           flashing red light, indicating he is on tape.
                         
                          NICK
           Fuck!
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          12 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - LATER 12
                         
           Nick sits at his desk inputting information from a large
           PILE of documents into a spreadsheet on his computer.
           The clock on his computer turns to "8:00 AM."
                         
           HARKEN (O.S.)
           Nick.
                         
           Nick jumps, startled. He turns to see his boss, DAVE
           HARKEN, 40's, standing behind him.
                         
                          NICK
           Yes?
                         
                          HARKEN
           See you in my office?
           4.
                         
                         
          13 INT. HARKEN'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON A VIDEOTAPE REPLAY - 13
                          MOMENTS LATER
                         
           of the lobby security camera footage on a television.
           The time code at the bottom of the screen reads "6:02."
           We see Nick looking up at the camera and silently
           mouthing the word "Fuck!" The image freezes and we PULL
           BACK to see Harken holding the remote. Nick stands
           across from him.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Here's my concern, Nick. You're a
           punctual guy. You understand the
           importance of getting to work on
           time. So that leaves me to wonder
           if there isn't something wrong
           with the internal clock in our
           security system. What do you
           think?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't know, Mr. Harken. I might
           have been a minute late.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Two minutes according to this. So
           either you're a liar -- which I
           know you're not -- or our system
           is off by a full minute. And if
           that's the case, I have no choice
           but to dismiss Thomas, our
           longtime security coordinator.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, I might have been two
           minutes late.
                         
           There's an uncomfortable beat. Then --
                         
                          HARKEN
           So you did lie.
                         
                          NICK
           No, I --
                         
           Harken picks up the phone.
                         
                          NICK
           Who are you calling?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Thomas. I'm letting him go.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           5.
                         13 CONTINUED: 13
                         
                          NICK
           Wait! Okay, I guess I lied. But
           I didn't mean to --
                         
                          HARKEN
           (hangs up phone)
           Trust is everything in this
           office, my friend. I know you've
           been working your tail off for
           that promotion, but if I can't
           trust you, how can I make you
           Senior VP of Sales?
                         
                          NICK
           I understand. You can trust me.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Now you sound like my wife.
                         
           He glances at a framed photo on his desk.
                         
                         
          14 INSERT - PHOTO 14
                         
           of the hot, bikini-clad MRS. HARKEN, 30's, standing on a
           beach.
                         
                         
          15 BACK TO SCENE 15
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (IMITATING HER)
           `Trust me, honey.' `Trust me.'
           Meanwhile, she's making love to
           every guy in the neighborhood.
                         
                          NICK
                          (UNCOMFORTABLE)
           Oh, I'm sure she's... loyal to
                          YOU --
                         
                          HARKEN
           How could you possibly know that?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Are you making love to my wife,
           Nick?
                         
                          NICK
           What?! No!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           6.
                         15 CONTINUED: 15
                         
                          HARKEN
           I'm just kidding around. She's
           out of your league. No offense.
                         
                          NICK
           None taken.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Hmm.
                         
           Harken has crossed to a credenza with several bottles of
           booze, two glasses and an ice bucket. He begins to fill
           a glass with ice and Scotch.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Would you like one?
                         
                          NICK
           It's 8:15.
                         
                          HARKEN
           You think there's something wrong
           with a man enjoying a drink in the
           morning?
                         
                          NICK
                          (QUICKLY)
           No, no. It's fine. I'd love a
           drink.
                         
           Harken hands him the drink he just poured.
                         
                          NICK
           Thank you.
                         
                          HARKEN
           My pleasure.
                         
           Harken returns to his chair and sits.
                         
                          NICK
           Aren't you having one?
                         
                          HARKEN
           It's 8:15, Nick. I'm not an
           alcoholic.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh. Well, I only took it because
           I thought you were having one.
                         
                          HARKEN
           You took a drink because you
           thought I was going to have one?
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           7.
                         15 CONTINUED: (2) 15
                          HARKEN (CONT'D)
           That doesn't exactly sound like
           something a Senior VP would do.
                         
                          NICK
           Well, I --
                         
                          HARKEN
           What if you thought I was going to
           dip my balls in honey and shaved
           coconut? Would you do that too?
                         
                          NICK
                          (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
           Of course not.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Of course not. Anyway, we've
           moved up the date of the AGM so
           you're gonna need to complete your
           due diligence by Monday. You'll
           probably need to be here all
           weekend.
                         
                          NICK
                          (SIGHS)
           Okay.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Hey, you want a promotion, you've
           gotta earn it. Life's a marathon
           and you can't win a marathon
           without putting a few Band-Aids on
           your nipples.
                         
                          NICK
           (huh?)
           Got it.
                         
           Nick gets up to go.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Nick.
                         
           Nick turns back.
                         
                          HARKEN
           That's 18-year-old Scotch. I
           can't really pour it back into the
           bottle.
                         
           Nick, unsure of what to do, picks up the glass and gulps
           it down.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           8.
                         15 CONTINUED: (3) 15
                         
                          HARKEN
           That should carry you till lunch,
           huh?
                         
                         
          16 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 16
                         
           A car pulls up outside the modest building.
                         
                         
          17 INT. STACY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 17
                         
           STACY, cute, 30's, is dropping off DALE STEVENS, 30's,
           who wears the scrubs of a dental hygienist.
                         
                          STACY
           Boy, I have to get used to driving
           with this heavy ring on. I keep
           swerving to the left.
                         
                          DALE
           Aww. You really like it?
                         
                          STACY
           I love it. I feel like a queen.
                         
                         
          18 CLOSE ON HER ENGAGEMENT DIAMOND 18
                         
           It's tiny and yellowish.
                         
                         
          19 BACK TO SCENE 19
                         
                          DALE
           Well, you're my queen. I love
           you, Stacy.
                         
                          STACY
           Have a great day at work.
                         
           They kiss. Dale exits the car.
                         
                         
          20 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 20
                         
           Stacy drives off. Dale steels himself for what lies
           ahead, then goes inside.
                         
                         
          21 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 21
                         
           Dale enters the waiting room, passing a few PATIENTS. He
           grabs a mask and goggles from a supply room, then heads
                          INTO --
           9.
                         
                         
          22 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
                         
           Dale finds his boss, DR. JULIA HARRIS, 30's, sexy but
           with something a little off, hovering over a patient, MR.
           ANDERTON, 50's. Dale seems visibly uneasy.
                         
                          JULIA
           All right, Mr. Anderton, I'm going
           to give you the nitrous now and
           your root canal will be over
           before you know it.
                          (TO DALE)
           Dale? Please.
                         
           Dale turns the valve on the tank and soon Mr. Anderton's
           eyes roll back in his head. Julia shuts the door, picks
           up a drill and begins boring into the patient's molar.
                         
                          JULIA
           (loudly, over the
                          DRILL)
           How are you today, Dale?
                         
                          DALE
           I'm fine. Thanks.
                         
                          JULIA
           You get a haircut?
                         
                          DALE
           Uh-huh.
                         
                          JULIA
           Looks good.
                         
                          DALE
           Thank you.
                         
                          JULIA
           You ever watch that show, `Gossip
           Girl'?
                         
                          DALE
           Uh, no.
                         
                          JULIA
           I watched it last night. I'll
           tell you, lot of cuties on that
           program.
                          (THEN)
           Number 7 scraper, please.
                         
           Dale hands her a tool.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           10.
                         22 CONTINUED: 22
                         
                          JULIA
           Thank you. I fingered myself so
           hard to Penn Badgely, I broke a
           nail.
                         
           Dale sighs and looks down at the unconscious Mr.
           Anderton. This obviously isn't the first time Julia has
           spoken this way.
                         
                          JULIA
           I'd let that kid put it in my ass.
           Bet he's packing a plus-size
           sausage under those True
           Religions.
           (then, looking up at
                          DALE)
           Probe.
                         
                          DALE
           What?
                         
                          JULIA
           I need the probe.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, right.
                         
           He hands her the tool.
                         
                          JULIA
           Bet you're no shrimp in the cock
           department either, huh, Dale?
                         
                          DALE
           Julia, please.
                         
                          JULIA
           Oh, come on. You know I like to
           fool around.
                         
           She lifts the patient's limp hand and cups it over her
           breast.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (FEIGNING SHOCK)
           Mr. Anderton! Bad!
                         
           She smacks the lifeless hand and cackles with laughter.
                         
                          JULIA
           Okay, enough fun. Let's get back
           to work. Water, please.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           11.
                         22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
                         
           Dale hands her the Water Jet tool. Julia briefly sprays
           some water in the patient's mouth, then casually sprays
           down Dale's crotch with it.
                         
                          DALE
           Hey!
                         
                          JULIA
           Sorry, I'm a squirter.
           (studying his groin)
           I think I can just make out our
           friend. Looks like someone is
           circumcised!
                         
                          DALE
           All right, Julia, listen. You
           can't keep doing this.
                         
                          JULIA
           I know, I know, you have a
                          GIRLFRIEND --
                         
                          DALE
           She's not my girlfriend anymore.
           Stacy and I got engaged last
           night.
                         
           Julia's whole demeanor changes. She becomes deadly
           serious.
                         
                          JULIA
           What?
                         
                          DALE
           We're engaged.
                         
                          JULIA
           You're actually going to marry
           that little dummy?
                         
                          DALE
           Hey!
                         
                          JULIA
           I thought you said she was just a
           hole for your dick.
                         
                          DALE
           That's a horrible thing to say. I
           never said that!
                         
           Mr. Anderton GROANS groggily.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           12.
                         22 CONTINUED: (3) 22
                         
                          JULIA
                          (OMINOUSLY)
           I'm very disappointed in you,
           Dale.
           (then, coldly)
           Scaler.
                         
           Shaken, Dale hands her the tool.
                         
                         
          23 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 23
                         
           A medium-sized warehouse building in an industrial
           neighborhood.
                         
                         
          24 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - CONTINUOUS ACTION 24
                         
           KURT GAMBLE, 30s, good-looking, sits at his desk. Unlike
           Nick and Dale, Kurt seems content in his workplace. A
           reasonably cute, but by no means drop-dead gorgeous, UPS
           GIRL approaches his desk with a package.
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           Excuse me? Can you sign for this,
           please?
                         
                          KURT
                          (TAKING IT)
           Sure.
                          (LOOKING UP)
           Whoa, whoa. Hold on. What is
           this?
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           I'm sorry?
                         
                          KURT
           This is one of those hidden camera
           shows, isn't it?
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           What do you mean?
                         
                          KURT
           Come on. You're way too good-
           looking to be a UPS girl. What
           are you, a model? An actress?
           What's gonna happen when I open
           this box? Is something going to
           jump out at me?
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           13.
                         24 CONTINUED: 24
                         
                          UPS GIRL
                          (GRINNING)
           Nothing's gonna happen. I'm just
           a UPS girl.
                         
                          KURT
           Shut up.
                         
                          UPS GIRL
                          (PLAYFULLY)
           You shut up. It's true.
                         
                          KURT
           Well, then, I need to take you out
           to dinner.
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           Why?
                         
                          KURT
           Because I want to be able to tell
           my friends that I took out the
           hottest UPS girl in America. Come
           on, what do you say?
                         
           She considers this briefly, then scribbles her number on
           a Post-it note.
                         
                          KURT
           Awesome. I'm Kurt.
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           Myrna.
                         
                          KURT
           Pretty name. How's Tuesday?
           Macaroni Grill?
                         
                          UPS GIRL
           Okay.
                         
                          KURT
           See you then, Myrna.
                         
           She heads off. Kurt opens his DATEBOOK and scribbles
           "UPS Girl" in the Tuesday slot. We see every night of
           the week is filled with appointments with other women:
           "Barnes & Noble girl," "Lauren? Laura?," "Blonde Chick"
           and so on.
                         
           JACK (O.S.)
           Busy week?
                         
           Kurt looks up at JACK PELLIT, 70s, the kindly,
           affectionate owner of the company.
                          (CONTINUED)
           14.
                         24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
                         
                          KURT
           Hey, Jack. Yeah, just doing my
           part for the women of America.
                         
                          JACK
                          (CHUCKLING)
           You're what we used to call a
           rapscallion.
                         
                          KURT
           That sounds a lot more innocent
           than `sex addict.'
                         
                          JACK
           Walk with me, Kurt.
                         
           The two of them head toward the exit.
                         
                          JACK
           I wanted to talk to you about --
                         
                          KURT
           Last quarter's profits? I ran the
           numbers. We're down by 11 percent
           year-to-year.
                         
                          JACK
           It's this damn recession. What
           about cost-cutting measures?
                         
                          KURT
           Well, I know you don't want to cut
                          STAFF --
                         
                          JACK
           No way. These people have worked
           their asses off for me. There's
           no reason they should suffer.
                         
           Kurt looks at his boss with admiration. There's a lot of
           love between these two.
                         
                          KURT
           There's also the issue of our
           hazardous waste disposal. We're
           paying a lot right now and the
           Bolivians have come back with a
           very good offer.
                         
                          JACK
           You know why it's good? Because
           they'll dump our chemicals in
           rivers, pollute water supplies and
           hurt people. I've spent my life
           building this company.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           15.
                         24 CONTINUED: (3) 24
                          JACK (CONT'D)
           Would you want the Pellit name to
           be associated with something like
           that?
                         
                          KURT
           No, I wouldn't.
                         
           As they pass the unisex rest room, they see MARGIE, 30s
           and clearly pregnant, looking uncomfortable as she waits
           to get in.
                         
                          JACK
           Everything okay, Margie?
                         
                          MARGIE
           Oh hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt. I've
           just been waiting to get in there
           for a while now...
                         
                          JACK
           Who's in there?
                         
                          MARGIE
           It's... your son.
                         
                          JACK
                          (SIGHS)
           Of course it is.
           (then, knocking on
                          THE DOOR)
           Bobby? There's someone waiting.
           You almost done in there?
                         
           After a long beat, the door opens and out steps BOBBY
           PELLIT, late-20s, weasely-looking, sniffing a bit too
           much and rubbing his nose repeatedly. There's something
           unnaturally energetic about him.
                         
                          PELLIT
           What the fuck?! A guy can't get
           any privacy in this place!
                         
                          JACK
           It's all yours, Margie.
                         
           Margie quickly slips into the rest room and shuts the
           door.
                         
                          JACK
           You know, Bobby, you seem to be
           spending more time in that
           bathroom than at your desk these
           days.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           16.
                         24 CONTINUED: (4) 24
                         
                          PELLIT
           Well, then, you're fucking stupid,
           Dad. Because that's clearly not
           true.
                         
                          JACK
           All I ask is that you do your part
           around here, son.
                         
                          PELLIT
           I do my part. I do other people's
           parts. But you just like to ride
           my ass because I'm your son. I
           don't see you screaming at --
                          (RE: KURT)
           -- dickskin here.
                         
                          JACK
                          (PATIENTLY)
           That's because Kurt does his work
           and does it well. You could take
           a lesson from him.
                         
                          PELLIT
                          (SNORTS)
           The only thing I'd take a lesson
           from him on is being gay. And I
           wouldn't take that lesson because
           I don't want to be gay.
                         
                          JACK
                          (HEADING OFF)
           Come on, Kurt.
                         
           Kurt follows after Jack.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Yeah, that's what I thought.
                         
           Jack and Kurt pass a receptionist desk and go out into --
                         
                         
          25 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
                         
           Kurt walks Jack to his Cadillac.
                         
                          JACK
           Tell me something, Kurt. Are you
           happy here?
                         
                          KURT
           You kidding? It's the best job in
           the world.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           17.
                         25 CONTINUED: 25
                         
                          JACK
           I'm glad to hear you say that.
           I'm rewriting my will tonight and
           there's going to be a special
           place for you in there.
                         
           He gives Kurt a hug like a doting father, then climbs
           into his car. As Jack pulls out and begins driving
           across the parking lot, Kurt waves. Suddenly, the car's
           HORN begins to honk in a CONSTANT BLARE. Kurt lowers his
           hand as the car veers off the pavement, slowly cruising
           into a tree where it stops abruptly, the horn still
           honking.
                         
           A bewildered Kurt runs toward the car, as we --
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          26 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 26
                         
           Kurt sits at a table looking depressed.
                         
                          KURT
           He died instantly. They say his
           heart burst in his chest like a
           water balloon.
                         
           PAN to reveal Kurt is sitting with Dale, who looks just
           as dejected.
                         
                          DALE
           Wow. Sorry, man. He was like a
           dad to you.
                         
                          KURT
           I loved him. And I loved working
           for him. And now his idiot son is
           gonna be in charge. You know how
           many times I've caught him doing
           blow at work?
                         
           PAN FURTHER to reveal Nick sitting beside Dale.
                         
                          NICK
           That sucks. You were the only one
           of us who didn't totally hate his
           job.
                          (THEN)
           Did I tell you Harken tricked me
           into having a drink at eight
           o'clock this morning? The guy's
           the devil.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           18.
                         26 CONTINUED: 26
                         
                          DALE
           I thought he was giving you a
           promotion.
                         
                          NICK
           He is. And he's got to do it
           before the General Meeting next
           week.
                         
                          DALE
           Well, at least your boss doesn't
           sexually harass you.
                         
                          KURT
           This again?
                         
                          DALE
           I'm telling you, she's out of
           control. It's a full-on hostile
           work environment.
                         
                          KURT
           She's a woman who wants to have
           sex with you. How bad can it be?
                         
                          DALE
           Today she sprayed my crotch with
           water so she could see the outline
           of my wiener.
                         
                          KURT
           Why don't you just fuck her?
                         
                          DALE
           I'm engaged!
                         
                          KURT
           Oh yeah. Congratulations, by the
           way.
                         
                          DALE
           Thank you.
                         
                          NICK
           There's gotta be other dental
           hygienist jobs out there.
                         
                          DALE
           I can't apply for another job,
           remember?
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, right. Because you'd have to
           tell them you're a child molester.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           19.
                         26 CONTINUED: (2) 26
                         
                          NICK
           He's not a child molester. He
           just took his dick out in a
           playground.
                         
                          DALE
           It was nighttime and I was peeing!
           And it's bullshit that I got put
           on the registered sex offender
           list for that!
                         
                          KURT
           It worked out. Julia probably
           hired you because she's a sexual
           deviant herself.
                         
                          DALE
           Why would they put a playground
           next to a bar anyway? That's
           entrapment.
                         
           A SEMI-CUTE GIRL walks past.
                         
                          KURT
                          (WITH JOYLESS
                          RESIGNATION)
           Well, I should go see if that girl
           wants to bone.
                         
           Kurt groans as he pulls himself out of the booth.
                         
                          NICK
           I thought you were all broken up
           about your boss dying.
                         
                          KURT
           This is how I grieve, okay?
                         
           Kurt heads off after the girl.
                         
                          DALE
           Man. He must be grieving all the
           time.
                         
                         
          27 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY 27
                         
           Nick sits alongside five other CO-WORKERS at a conference
           table. Harken's chair at the head is empty. Nick pours
           himself some water from a glass pitcher on the table.
                         
                          NICK
           He did say ten o'clock, right?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           20.
                         27 CONTINUED: 27
                         
                          CO-WORKER
           Yeah. Do you know what this is
           about?
                         
                          NICK
           It just said `staff meeting' on
           the memo.
                          (WHISPERING)
           Funny how he gets all over me if
           I'm a minute late, but he makes us
           wait fifteen.
                         
           HARKEN (O.S.)
           You were two minutes late, Nick.
                         
           Nick jumps as Harken enters.
                         
                          HARKEN
           And I didn't know I had to punch a
           clock with you.
                         
                          NICK
           You don't. Of course you don't.
           I'm sorry --
                         
                          HARKEN
           I'm going to attribute this to
           your drinking problem.
                         
                          NICK
           I don't have a --
                         
                          HARKEN
           (with a smile to the
                          OTHERS)
           Let's get started. Shall we?
                         
           Nick's eyes narrow. Suddenly, he grabs the heavy glass
           pitcher from the table and SHATTERS IT AGAINST HARKEN'S
           FACE. Shards of glass fly everywhere as Harken falls
           from his chair onto the floor.
                         
           SMASH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          28 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 28
                         
           Harken is fine. Nick is as we left him.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Okay, have we figured out our best
           sales distribution plan for the
           new model year handsets?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           21.
                         28 CONTINUED: 28
                         
           Nick's CO-WORKERS bury their heads in their notes. Nick
           tensely raises his hand.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Yes?
                         
                          NICK
           I simulated a number of sales
           cycles, factoring in likely end-
           users, point-of-sale limitations
           and specific demographic
           variables.
                         
                          HARKEN
           And?
                         
                          NICK
           And in my opinion, an open plan
           selling process in our top 30
           markets along with targeted
           upgrade offers to existing
           customers promises the greatest
           yield.
                         
           Harken nods. Is he impressed?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Thank you, Nick. Did everyone see
           how he did that? Yes, he may be a
           pathological liar and have a
           crippling drinking problem, but
           when the chips are down, Nick has
           what it takes.
                         
           Nick glows.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Which brings us to our next order
           of business. I've decided who I
           want as our new Senior VP of
           Sales. He's sitting right here
           among you.
                         
           Everyone turns to look at Nick.
                         
                          HARKEN
           It's me.
                         
           Everyone's head snaps back to Harken.
                         
                          NICK
           What?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           22.
                         28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
                         
                          HARKEN
           I've decided to absorb the
           responsibilities of the Senior VP
           position into my own. I realized
           if you want something done right,
           you do it yourself. So, I'm going
           to be knocking down the wall
           between my office and what
           would've been the Senior VP's to
           create a single, enormous office.
           However, as a cost-cutting
           measure, I will only be taking 85%
           of the additional salary I'm
           entitled to. It's called self-
           sacrifice, people. Learn from
           this.
                         
           Harken heads out.
                         
                         
          29 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 29
                         
           Nick hurries to catch up with Harken.
                         
                          NICK
           Mr. Harken, can I speak to you?
                         
                          HARKEN
           What is it?
                         
                          NICK
           You've been hinting for months
           that I was in line for that
           promotion.
                         
                          HARKEN
           And look how hard you've worked.
                         
                          NICK
           So you've just been lying to me?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Not lying. Motivating. We're all
           on the same team here, Nick.
           We're all trying to find Lorenzo's
           oil before it's too late for
           little Lorenzo. Besides, I'm the
           one who's taking on a lot more
           work.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           23.
                         29 CONTINUED: 29
                         
                          NICK
           (barely keeping it
                          TOGETHER)
           Last month you kept me working so
           late I didn't get to say goodbye
           to Gam Gam!
                         
                          HARKEN
           What?
                         
                          NICK
           My grandmother. I told you I
           needed to see her but you said I'd
           be fired if I left early. She
           died before I could get to the
           hospital.
                          (VOICE QUIVERING)
           She taught me how to swim --
                         
                          HARKEN
           Oh, my God. I had no idea... that
           you called your grandmother Gam
           Gam.
                          (CHUCKLING)
           I don't mean to laugh, but that's
           adorable.
           (off Nick's outraged
                          LOOK)
           Look, Nick, I'm sorry you didn't
           get to say bye-bye to Gam Gam. I
           make you work late because you're
           an invaluable part of this
           operation. And I need you in your
           current position.
                         
                          NICK
           I've been in that position for
           eight years now. Why would I stay
           here after being treated like
           this?!
                         
                          HARKEN
           Because I will see to it that no
           one else in our industry will hire
           you.
                         
                          NICK
           What?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Anyone who interviews you will
           want my letter of recommendation.
           And I'm prepared to tell them that
           you are a dishonest, insubordinate
           drunk.
                          (CONTINUED)
           24.
                         29 CONTINUED: (2) 29
                         
                          NICK
           But that's not true! You can't do
           this!
                         
           Harken gets directly in Nick's face, speaking softly but
           intensely.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Let me make this clear, you weak,
           little fuck. I own you. You're
           my bitch. Don't make the mistake
           of thinking you have free will.
           Because I can crush you any time I
           like.
           (stepping back,
                          FRIENDLY AGAIN)
           Settle in, friend. You're here
           for the long haul.
                         
           Harken slaps him hard on the back and continues on his
           way, leaving a stunned Nick.
                         
                         
          30 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 30
                         
           Kurt somberly heads to his desk. He's wearing a dark
           suit.
                         
           PELLIT (O.S.)
           Yo, dickwall! What the fuck?
                         
           Kurt sees Bobby Pellit standing in the doorway of what
           was Jack's office.
                         
                          KURT
           What?
                         
                          PELLIT
           You're three hours late. What's
           the deal?
                         
                          KURT
           I was at your father's funeral.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Maybe that excuse would've flown
           when my dad was here, but I'm in
           charge now.
                         
                          KURT
           That excuse wouldn't have made any
           sense when your dad was here.
                         
                          PELLIT
           In my office. Now.
           25.
                         
                         
          31 INT. PELLIT'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 31
                         
           Kurt enters. He notices that the "Jack Pellit" nameplate
           has been partially taped over with the name "Bobby"
           scribbled in magic marker.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Sit.
                         
           Kurt sits. Bobby quickly slips a small mirror and rolled
           up dollar bill into a drawer. Kurt sees Bobby has tossed
           most of Jack's mementos, achievement awards and photos
           with luminaries in the trash.
                         
                          PELLIT
           I've been looking over the books.
           You're the accountant. Tell me
           why this company is in the
           crapper.
                         
                          KURT
           It's not in the crapper. It's a
           recession. But we're still
           profitable.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Bullshit. Look, I know you and my
           dad were pals. Frankly, I always
           thought it was weird and gay and I
           never understood why my dad
           thought you were so great. But it
           doesn't matter now because he's in
           the ground and I'm your boss. And
           there's gonna be some changes
           around here. First of all...
           (pointing to a
                          BALANCE SHEET)
           What is this `EnviroTech Waste
           Management' shit that we're paying
           so much for?
                         
                          KURT
           Your father made the decision to
           pay a little more to dispose of
           our chemical waste responsibly.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Yeah, fuck that. We've got an
           offer from Bolivia to dump the
           stuff for a third the cost.
                         
                          KURT
           But that would endanger thousands
           of local residents.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           26.
                         31 CONTINUED: 31
                         
                          PELLIT
           So some jungle tribesmen get
           cancer. Boo friggin' hoo.
                         
                          KURT
           They're not tribesmen. It's a
                          MODERN --
                          (THEN)
           Look, Bobby, your dad told me very
           clearly he'd die before he'd save
           money by hurting people.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Well then, we're right on
           schedule, aren't we?
                         
           Kurt's eyes narrow. He reaches into the trash can and
           grabs one of Jack's discarded ACHIEVEMENT TROPHIES and
           PLUNGES its pointy end deep into Pellit's chest, impaling
           him in his chair.
                         
           SMASH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          32 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 32
                         
           Kurt sits across from an unharmed Pellit.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Oh, and we also need to trim the
           fat around here.
                         
                          KURT
           (snapping out of it)
           What do you mean?
                         
                          PELLIT
           I want you to fire the fat people.
           They're slow and lazy and they
           make me sad to look at. Start
           with Large Marge.
                         
           ANGLE ON Margie at her desk.
                         
                          KURT
           Margie's not fat. She's pregnant.
           I'm not firing her.
                         
                          PELLIT
           Fine. Then fire Professor Xavier
           over there.
                         
           ANGLE ON a balding, middle-aged man in a wheelchair,
           HANK, who sits at a desk near Margie's.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           27.
                         32 CONTINUED: 32
                         
                          KURT
           Hank?
                         
                          PELLIT
           He creeps me out. Rolling around
           in that weird little chair of his.
                         
                          KURT
           I'm not firing anyone! It's like
           you don't care about this company
           at all.
                         
                          PELLIT
           No shit. You think when I was a
           kid I dreamed of running a fucking
           chemical company? No. I dreamed
           of retiring. Of being fed
           tropical fruit on a beach by a
           model while she blows me. And as
           soon as I squeeze all the profit
           out of this place, that's exactly
           what I'm gonna do. So here's the
           deal. You either fire the fatty
           or the cripple, or I fire both of
           them.
                         
                         
          33 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MOMENTS LATER 33
                         
           Kurt sighs as he looks from Margie to Hank and back. At
           last, he gathers his resolve and crosses to Hank's desk.
           From a RESPECTFUL DISTANCE we watch as Kurt breaks the
           news to Hank who reacts with sad resignation.
                         
           Kurt turns to see Pellit standing directly beside him.
                         
                          PELLIT
           (loudly, to the room)
           Everyone, can I have your
           attention please? I've just
           learned that Kurt has fired our
           dear friend Hank here. I want you
           to know that I am as surprised and
           angry about this as you are.
                         
                          KURT
           What are you -- ?!
                         
                          PELLIT
           This is entirely an accounting
           department decision. My hands are
           tied.
           (then, to Kurt)
           You are one heartless bastard,
           Gamble.
                          (CONTINUED)
           28.
                         33 CONTINUED: 33
                         
           Pellit heads off. Hank glares at Kurt.
                         
                          KURT
           Look, Hank, this was not my --
                         
                          HANK
           Fuck you, Kurt.
                         
           Hank wheels away, leaving Kurt to face the angry looks of
           his CO-WORKERS.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          34 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 34
                         
           Dale, dressed for work, knocks on Julia's office door.
                         
           JULIA (O.S.)
           Come in.
                         
                         
          35 INT. JULIA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 35
                         
           Dale enters.
                         
                          DALE
           You wanted to see --
                         
           He looks up to find Julia sitting at her desk in nothing
           but an unbuttoned white lab coat.
                         
                          DALE
                          (AVERTING EYES)
           Oh, God.
                         
                          JULIA
           Have a seat, Dale.
                         
                          DALE
           Do I have to?
                         
                          JULIA
           Please.
                         
           He sits, then immediately stands again.
                         
                          DALE
           Look, Julia, this is ridiculous --
                         
                          JULIA
           (holding up hand)
           I know what you're going to say
           and that's exactly what I want to
           talk to you about.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           29.
                         35 CONTINUED: 35
                          JULIA (CONT'D)
           Yes, I like to joke around at
           work. And sometimes I might cross
           the line a bit. But the last
           thing I want to do is make you
           uncomfortable. That's
           unprofessional and I pride myself
           on being a professional.
                         
           She leans back in her chair and puts her hands behind her
           head revealing even more of her body.
                         
                          JULIA
           So from now on, I want you to tell
           me when and if I cross the line.
                         
                          DALE
           Now. Right now.
                         
                          JULIA
           What?
                         
                          DALE
           You're naked, Julia!
                         
                          JULIA
           I'm not naked. You can't even see
           my pussy.
                         
                          DALE
           Okay, right there! Just saying
           `pussy' to me. That's over the
           line.
                         
                          JULIA
           That's over the line? You're
           starting to sound like a little
           faggot, Dale.
                         
                          DALE
           Again! Naked, `pussy,' `faggot.'
           All over the line. And probably
                          ILLEGAL --
                         
                          JULIA
           Okay, let's not start talking
           about illegal, Mr. Pees-on-Young-
           Boys.
                         
                          DALE
           It was an empty playground! In
           the middle of the night!
                         
                          JULIA
           Even worse. That little boy must
           have been terrified.
                          (CONTINUED)
           30.
                         35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
                         
           Julia stands and moves uncomfortably close to Dale. He
           tries not to stare at her breasts.
                         
                          JULIA
           Let's cut to the chase. You're
           engaged now. And I respect the
           institution of marriage too much
           to violate it. That's why you
           need to fuck me well before the
           wedding. Because the closer it
           gets, the less ladylike I'm going
           to feel about this whole thing.
                         
                          DALE
           I'm not going to sleep with you,
           Julia.
                         
                          JULIA
           We'll see about that.
           (then, suddenly
                          ENRAGED)
           OUT! GET OUT!
                         
           Startled, Dale hurries out of the office.
                         
                         
          36 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 36
                         
           Nick, Dale and Kurt sit miserably over their drinks.
           They've all had a few.
                         
                          NICK
           I feel like a total sucker.
           Harken was never planning on
           promoting me.
                         
                          KURT
           That coked-out douchebag is gonna
           destroy Pellit Chemicals.
                         
                          DALE
           She stood there with her breasts
           right in my face.
                         
           Nick and Kurt turn to Dale.
                         
                          KURT
           You know, yours just doesn't sound
           that bad.
                         
                          DALE
           Why don't you guys quit? It's not
           like you're sex offenders.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           31.
                         36 CONTINUED: 36
                         
                          NICK
           It's true. I mean, I'm young. I
           could go back to school, change
           fields.
                         
           In the b.g., a GUY has noticed them. He heads over.
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah. Why should I care about
           protecting Pellit's name when his
           own son doesn't? There's a
           million jobs out there.
                         
                          DALE
           The world is your oyster.
                         
                          GUY
           Well, well, if it isn't the Three
           Musketeers, Nick, Kurt and Dale.
           Still hanging out like high
           school, huh?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't believe it. Kenny Orkin!
                         
                          DALE
           I heard you moved to New York to
           work at Lehman Brothers or
           something.
                         
                          KENNY (GUY)
           I did. Hired me right out of
           Yale.
                         
                          KURT
           So what are you doing back here?
                         
                          KENNY
           Don't you read the papers? They
           shut us down. I've been looking
           for work for the last two years.
           It's crazy out here. I can't even
           get a job waiting tables.
                         
                          NICK
           You? Waiting tables? You were
           voted Most Likely to Succeed.
           Everyone thought you were set.
                         
                          KENNY
           Everyone including me.
                          (INTENSE) 
           I'd murder those Lehman Brothers
           if I could. Line them up, put one
           bullet through their three heads.
                          (CONTINUED)
           32.
                         36 CONTINUED: (2) 36
                         
                          DALE
           Easy, Kenny.
                         
                          KENNY
           It's just not fair. I was making
           high six-figures. Now I can't
           even afford this drink.
           (holds up glass)
           Seriously, you think you guys can
           help me out at all?
                         
           The three guys exchange uncomfortable looks as they reach
           for their wallets.
                         
                          DALE
           Uh, sure. Here's a few bucks,
           Kenny.
                         
                          KENNY
           Okay, y'know that's not really
           gonna do it for me.
           (looking around,
                          LEANING IN)
           I'll tell you what? What if I
           give you guys handjobs? Forty
           bucks. We can do it in the
           bathroom right here. I'll do the
           three of you for a hundred.
                         
                          KURT
           You're gay now?
                         
                          KENNY
           No, I'm not gay. 
                         
           They look skeptical. 
                         
                          KENNY 
           I'm the opposite of gay! 
                         
           They guys look at each other with eyebrows raised. Nick 
           mouths "opposite." 
                         
                          KENNY 
           Come on. Handjobs for the Three 
           Musketeers. Let's do this! 
                         
           The BARTENDER spots Kenny and points at him.
                         
                          BARTENDER
                          (YELLING)
           I thought I told you to stay out
           of here!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           33.
                         36 CONTINUED: (3) 36
                         
                          KENNY
           Whoops. Gotta go, guys. Call me
           if you change your minds. I'm at
           my mom's.
                         
           He hurries out. There's a silent beat as the guys
           process what they've just witnessed.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          37 EXT. STREET - LATER 37
                         
           The three guys are walking home, all mildly buzzed.
                         
                          KURT
           So I guess we're just gonna be
           miserable for the rest of our
           lives.
                         
                          DALE
           What do you mean?
                         
                          KURT
           What options do we have? We can
           quit our jobs and turn into Kenny.
           Or keep our jobs and turn into
           sad, ball-less losers who spend
           their days dreaming of ways to
           kill their bosses.
                         
           There's a beat as Nick regards Kurt.
                         
                          NICK
           You do that too?
                         
                          KURT
           Of course. Everyone does. It's
           the only thing that keeps us from
           going totally bat-shit.
                         
                          NICK
           The other day I imagined shoving
           one of those jugs from the water
           cooler in Harken's mouth and
           making him drink until his bladder
           explodes.
                         
                          DALE
           Jeez.
                         
                          KURT
           That's so funny. I had the same
           idea for Pellit.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           34.
                         37 CONTINUED: 37
                          KURT (CONT'D)
           Only using gasoline instead of
           water. And his ass instead of his
           mouth.
                         
                          DALE
           You guys are sick.
                         
                          KURT
           What's sick about it? It's just a
           way to let off steam.
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah, Dale. It's not like we're
           actually going to kill our bosses.
                         
           They continue walking. After a beat.
                         
                          KURT
           You have to admit though, our
           lives would be a lot better if our
           bosses were dead.
                         
                          NICK
           Well, of course. It's the one
           thing that keeps me from being
           happy.
                         
                          DALE
           Me too.
                         
           There's another beat.
                         
                          KURT
           Let's just consider this, for one
           second.
                         
                          DALE
           Consider what?
                         
                          KURT
           Killing our bosses. I'm just
           being hypothetical here.
                         
                          DALE
           (laughing it off)
           Yeah, right.
                         
                          NICK
           Very funny.
                         
                          KURT
           Well, it's not like they're gonna
           live forever. These pieces of
           shit are going to die someday.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           35.
                         37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
                          KURT (CONT'D)
           We'd just be accelerating that
           natural process.
                         
                          NICK
           Shut up, Kurt.
                         
                          DALE
           Yeah, shut up, Kurt.
                         
                          KURT
                          (EARNEST)
           Frankly, I don't see any reason
           not to do it.
                         
                          DALE
           Well, first of all, killing
           someone is illegal and immoral --
                         
                          KURT
           It may be illegal but I'm not sure
           it's immoral. Sometimes one evil
           person has to die for the greater
           good of the community. If Bobby
           Pellit has his way, hundreds,
           maybe thousands of innocent
           Bolivians will suffer. It would
           actually be immoral not to kill
           him.
                         
           Nick begins to warm to the idea.
                         
                          NICK
           I didn't get to say goodbye to Gam
           Gam because of Harken.
                         
                          KURT
           Exactly! Who knows how many other
           Gam Gams have died alone.
                         
                          DALE
           I can't believe you guys are
           actually talking about this. I
           don't care how bad our bosses are.
           We're not murderers.
                         
                          NICK
           No, we're not, Dale. We're just
           trying to live our lives. But
           what are we supposed to do when
           someone makes it impossible for us
           to live our lives? Do we just
           bend over and take it up the ass
           forever?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           36.
                         37 CONTINUED: (3) 37
                         
                          KURT
           No, we do not!
                         
                          DALE
           What you guys are talking about is
           wrong and you know it.
                         
                          NICK
           Julia's ruining your life. That's
           wrong.
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah!
                         
                          DALE
           She's not ruining my life. If
           anything's ruining my life it's
           you guys and your drunk bullshit.
                         
                          KURT
           If it's bullshit, Dale, then how
           come we all want to do it so much?
                         
           They reach the corner where they part ways.
                         
                          DALE
           I don't want to do it. And when
           you sober up neither will you.
           We're not killing anyone.
                         
           Dale heads off.
                         
                          KURT
                          (TO NICK)
           I was just being hypothetical.
                         
                          NICK
                          (QUICKLY)
           Yeah, me too.
                         
           OFF their ambivalent looks --
                         
                         
          38 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - NEXT DAY 38
                         
           Dale is organizing some equipment when a pair of woman's
           hands suddenly cover his eyes.
                         
           WOMAN (O.S.)
                          (SUGGESTIVELY)
           Guess who?
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           37.
                         38 CONTINUED: 38
                         
                          DALE
                          (WEARILY)
           I'm really not in the mood for
           this now --
                         
           He turns and reacts as he sees it's not Julia, but his
           fianc�e, Stacy.
                         
                          DALE
           Stacy?!
                         
                          STACY
           Not in the mood for what?
                         
                          DALE
           For... nothing. What are you
           doing here?
                         
           Julia appears in her office doorway.
                         
                          JULIA
           I invited her.
                         
                          STACY
           She called and said now that we're
           engaged, she wanted to offer me
           free dental work. And you know
           I've had that loose filling for a
           while. It's so sweet of you,
           Julia.
                         
                          JULIA
           It's my pleasure. You're part of
           the family now.
                         
                          DALE
                          (VISIBLY UPTIGHT)
           Uhhhh... I don't know if this is a
           good idea.
                         
                          STACY
           Why not?
                         
                          DALE
           We don't want to take advantage of
           Julia.
                         
                          JULIA
           Dale, there's nothing you could do
           that would be taking advantage of
           me. Nothing.
           (then, to Stacy)
           Now what do you say we pump you
           full of gas?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           38.
                         38 CONTINUED: (2) 38
                         
           Julia leads Stacy into the exam room. Dale cuts them
           off.
                         
                          DALE
           Wait -- no gas. She doesn't need
           to be out.
                         
                          STACY
           What are you talking about, Dale?
           You know I'm not good with drills.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (POINTEDLY)
           You don't want your fianc�e to
           suffer, do you?
                         
           OFF Dale's defeated look --
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          39 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER 39
                         
           Stacy lies on the chair with the nitrous mask over her
           nose. Julia and Dale stand beside her.
                         
                          STACY
                          (LOSING
                          CONSCIOUSNESS)
           Ten, nine... eight... seh...
                         
           And she's out. Immediately, Julia pounces on Dale,
           feverishly trying to unbuckle his belt.
                         
                          DALE
           Hey! Stop it, what are you -- ?
                         
                          JULIA
           You're gonna give me that dong,
           Dale!
                         
                          DALE
           NO!
                         
           Stacy groans softly. Dale pushes Julia away.
                         
                          DALE
           I knew you only brought her in
           here to mess with me.
                         
                          JULIA
           Let's have sex on top of her.
           Let's use her like a bed!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           39.
                         39 CONTINUED: 39
                         
           Julia begins to clamber up onto Stacy's supine body.
           Dale pulls her off.
                         
                          DALE
           All right, that's it, Julia. This
           is over. You're out of your mind.
           I quit!
                         
           He goes to turn off the gas but before he can --
                         
                          JULIA
           I'll tell her you fucked me!
                         
                          DALE
           What?
                         
                          JULIA
           If you don't fuck me, I'll tell
           her you fucked me.
                         
                          DALE
           Tell her whatever you want. She'd
           never believe you.
                         
           Julia opens a nearby drawer and tosses an envelope onto
           Stacy's chest.
                         
                          JULIA
           She already knows you're a sex
           offender. And once she sees
           these, I think she'll believe me.
                         
                          DALE
           What is that?
                         
                          JULIA
           You remember your first week here
           when I replaced the crown on your
           second bicuspid?
                         
                          DALE
                          (NERVOUSLY)
           ... Yeah?
                         
                          JULIA
           I took a few snapshots of the
           procedure. For my files.
                         
           Dale lunges at the envelope and pulls out the photos.
           40.
                         
                         
          40 CLOSE ON THE PICTURES 40
                         
           -- Dale lies on the dentist chair, his eyes open and his
           hands behind his head with Julia at his crotch,
           apparently fellating him.
                         
           -- Julia, now nude, straddles Dale, who is naked from the
           waist down on the chair. She holds one arm in the air
           like a rodeo cowboy.
                         
           -- Julia is on the floor, her legs splayed while Dale
           lies limply on top of her.
                         
           -- Julia is on all fours. Dale is limply draped over her
           back, apparently doing her doggy-style.
                         
                         
          41 BACK TO SCENE 41
                         
                          DALE
                          (SHOCKED)
           You... you did all this while I
           was unconscious?
                         
                          JULIA
           Yup.
                         
                          DALE
           How did you make it look like I
           was awake?
                         
                          JULIA
           Taped your eyes open.
                         
                          DALE
           This is rape! You raped me!
                         
                          JULIA
           Don't get all dramatic. Your dick
           wasn't hard. But it will be next
           time. Or else Stacy here gets a
           look at my photo album.
                         
           She holds up the packet of photos.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (SUDDENLY
                          PROFESSIONAL)
           Now, let's repair this patient's
           filling, shall we?
                         
           Dale gapes at her, dumbstruck.
           41.
                         
                         
          42 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - THAT EVENING 42
                         
           Kurt and Nick are playing a videogame as Dale bursts
           through the front door.
                         
                          DALE
           Let's kill the bitch.
                         
                          KURT
           Huh?
                         
                          NICK
           What bitch?
                         
                          DALE
           My boss. Our bosses. They need
           to die.
                         
           Nick and Kurt exchange a look.
                         
                          NICK
           We were drunk last night, man.
           And didn't you say killing was
           wrong?
                         
                          DALE
           That was before Julia tried to
           fuck me on top of my fianc�e's
           unconscious body.
                         
                          KURT
           Whoa!
                         
                          DALE
           I say we kill them all. Are you
           guys in or out?
                         
                          KURT
           I was in last night.
                         
                          DALE
           Yes! Nick?
                         
           They both turn to Nick who is uncertain. Kurt spots the
           photo of Nick with his GRANDMOTHER and grabs it off the
           wall.
                         
                          KURT
           Look at her. Look at Bubby.
                         
                          NICK
           Gam Gam.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           42.
                         42 CONTINUED: 42
                         
                          KURT
           Look at Gam Gam. Getting a smooch
           from her favorite grandson.
           Little does she know that she'll
           never get to say goodbye to him.
           And why? Because his shithead
           boss wouldn't let him leave. What
           would Gam Gam want you to do?
                         
                          NICK
           Probably not kill him.
                         
                          KURT
           This isn't about Gam Gam. This is
           about you. What do you want,
           Nick?
                         
                          NICK
           I want him to die.
                         
                          KURT
           Damn straight!
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, I'm in.
                         
                          KURT
           All right! Let's do this.
                          (THEN)
           How do we do this?
                         
                          DALE
           I was thinking about that on my
           way over. Stacy and I watch a lot
           of `Law & Order' and there's a ton
           of ways criminals mess up. Things
           we'd never think of. They leave
           behind clothing fibers, bullet
           casings, hair, skin cells --
                         
                          KURT
           Skin cells?! I can't even keep
           track of my keys!
                         
                          DALE
           Exactly. And that's why we need a
           professional.
                         
                          NICK
           What are you talking about, a
           hitman?
                         
           Dale nods.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           43.
                         42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
                         
                          KURT
           You know, that's not bad. I mean,
           we don't clean our own apartments,
           right? We hire someone to clean
           them for us.
                         
                          DALE
           Maybe you do, moneybags.
                         
                          NICK
           But where are we supposed to find
           a hitman?
                         
                          DALE
           That's the only problem. I have
           no idea.
                         
           There's a beat. Kurt's eyes light up.
                         
                          KURT
           I do. Meet at my place tomorrow
           after work. And make sure you're
           not followed.
                         
                          NICK
           Why would anyone follow us?
                         
                          KURT
           I don't know. People get
           followed.
                         
                          DALE
           What people?
                         
                          KURT
           Just meet me at my place.
                         
                         
          43 INT. KURT'S APARTMENT - NEXT EVENING 43
                         
           Kurt opens the door on Nick and Dale. The decor of
           Kurt's place is best described as a middle-income
           bachelor pad.
                         
                          KURT
           Come in. The guy should be here
           pretty soon.
                         
                          NICK
           Wait. You actually found
           someone?!
                         
                          KURT
           It was as easy as buying a used
           futon.
                          (CONTINUED)
           44.
                         43 CONTINUED: 43
                         
           He points to his computer. On the screen is a listing
                          FROM --
                         
                          DALE
           Craigslist?! You found a hitman
           on Craigslist.
                         
                          KURT
           Yup. But they don't post it as
           `hitman.' That would be stupid.
           They use code words, like
           `liquidation,' `pest control,'
           `wet work.' Check it out. This
           is our guy.
                         
           Nick reads the listing.
                         
                          NICK
           `Skilled professional with years
           of experience in domestic and
           international wet work. Fast and
           discreet. No children or
           political figures.'
                         
                          KURT
           See? He's principled.
                         
                          DALE
           This is so dangerous. What if
           he's a narc?
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah, Kurt. Call him back and
           cancel.
                         
                          KURT
           It's too late. He's on his way.
                         
                          DALE
           What do we do if this guy gets
           here and he asks for so much money
           that we can't afford him and he
           gets mad and kills all of us?
                         
                          KURT
           I don't think he'd stay in
           business long if he killed
           everyone who couldn't afford him.
                         
                          NICK
           (looking out window)
           Guys! I think this is him!
                         
           The others hurry to look. From --
           45.
                         
                         
                         44 THEIR POV 44
                         
           We see a black Mercedes SLK pull up. A distinguished-
           looking MAN in a well-tailored suit steps out. He wears
           sunglasses and carries a briefcase.
                         
                         
          45 BACK TO SCENE 45
                         
                          NICK
           Nice car.
                         
                          KURT
           Whoa. This guy's legit.
                         
                          DALE
           I bet that briefcase has one of
           those guns you have to screw
           together.
                         
                          NICK
           All right, let's just be
           professional here. We don't want
           to seem all giddy.
                         
           A knock at the door.
                         
                          KURT
                          (HUSHED)
           How's my hair?
                         
                          NICK
                          (SOTTO)
           It doesn't matter!
                         
           Kurt opens the door on the Man who looks even smoother up
           close.
                         
                          MAN
                          (BRITISH ACCENT)
           Is one of you Kurt?
                         
                          DALE
           (whispering to Nick)
           Oh my God, he's like James Bond!
                         
                          KURT
           (to the Man)
           Yes, hi, I'm Kurt. Please come
           in.
                         
                          MAN
           Thank you. Are all three of you
           participating in this?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           46.
                         45 CONTINUED: 45
                         
                          NICK
           Yes, we are.
                         
                          MAN
           Very well. Now before we go any
           further, I need to know if there
           are any hidden recording devices
           in this room. I will find out if
           there are.
                         
                          DALE
           No, no! We definitely don't want
           to record this, sir.
                         
                          MAN
           Then let's get started.
                         
           He walks to the middle of the living room, opens his
           briefcase and takes out a plastic tarp which he proceeds
           to unfurl over the carpet.
                         
                          KURT
           Whoa, whoa. What's that for?
                         
                          MAN
           For the mess.
                         
                          NICK
           We don't want you to kill us!
                         
                          DALE
                          (FREAKING OUT)
           Oh my God! I knew it!
                         
                          MAN
           Kill you? What are you talking
           about?
                         
           The guys exchange a confused look.
                         
                          KURT
           Your ad said you do wet work.
                         
                          MAN
           That's correct. I urinate on
           other men for money.
                         
                          NICK/KURT
           What?!
                         
                          MAN
           Why do you think my ad was in the
           `men seeking men' section?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           47.
                         45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
                         
                          NICK
                          (TO KURT)
           You were looking in `men seeking
           men'?!
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah! We're men seeking a man,
           aren't we?
                         
                          NICK
           You are such a moron.
                         
                          MAN
           So you're telling me I drove all
           the way to the Valley and no one
           wants to be pissed on?
                         
                          DALE
           Please don't kill us.
                         
                          MAN
           I don't kill people!
           (then, sighing)
           Can I use your rest room? I've
           stored up rather a large amount of
           pee for this.
                         
                          KURT
                          (POINTING)
           It's right through there.
                         
           The Man heads off. After a beat --
                         
                          KURT
           Good thing I didn't call the guy
           who was offering to do `dirty
           work.'
                         
                         
          46 INT. KURT'S CAR - THAT NIGHT 46
                         
           Kurt drives. Nick is in the passenger seat. Dale in
           back.
                         
                          KURT
           All right, I'll take the blame for
           that one.
                         
                          NICK
           That's big of you.
                         
                          KURT
           I'm going to make it up to you. I
           figured out a much better way to
           find a contract killer.
                          (CONTINUED)
           48.
                         46 CONTINUED: 46
                         
                          DALE
           What's that?
                         
           Kurt reaches up and pushes a button on the rear-view
           mirror. A male voice comes over the speaker.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
                          (INDIAN ACCENT)
           Hello, Mr. Gamble, thank you for
           contacting On Star --
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, come on!
                         
                          NICK
                          (TO KURT)
           This is your plan?
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           -- my name is Gregory. How can I
           be of service this evening?
                         
                          KURT
           Gregory, I need you to direct me
           to the most dangerous bar in Los
           Angeles.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           I'm sorry?
                         
                          KURT
           We need to find the bar with the
           most scumbags, lowlifes and
           hardcore shitheads. Can you help
           us out?
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           I'm afraid our listings are not
           organized by danger, sir. I do
           see there is a Bennigan's three
           blocks from your current
                          LOCATION --
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, Gregory? That's unhelpful.
           While I'm sure there are plenty of
           shitheads there, they're not the
           kind of shitheads we need.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           I can direct you to the
           neighborhood with the greatest
           number of car-jackings in your
           area.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           49.
                         46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
                         
                          KURT
           Now we're talking.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           Very good, sir. You may wish to
           lock your doors.
                         
           Kurt and the others lock their doors.
                         
                         
          47 EXT. SCARY NEIGHBORHOOD - SHORT TIME LATER 47
                         
           Kurt's car drives down a depressed-looking block.
                         
                         
          48 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 48
                         
           The guys are still chatting with Gregory.
                         
                          NICK
           So, do you like living in
           Bangalore?
                         
           GREGORY (ON STAR REP)(V.O.)
           It's not bad. Humid.
                         
                          DALE
           Now, `Gregory.' Is that your real
           name?
                         
           GREGORY (V.O.)
           No, sir. My real name is
           Atmanand.
                         
                          KURT
           Atmanand? How did you get Gregory
           from that?
                         
           GREGORY (V.O.)
           `Gregory' was assigned to me by On
           Star.
                         
                          NICK
           Why don't they let you use your
           real name?
                         
           GREGORY (V.O.)
           Many Americans find our real names
           off-putting.
                         
                          KURT
           Actually, I do find Atmanand a
           little off-putting.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           50.
                         48 CONTINUED: 48
                         
           GREGORY (V.O.)
                          (FLAT)
           You have arrived at your
           destination, sir.
                         
                          DALE/NICK
           Thank you, Gregory./Thanks,
           Gregory.
                         
                         
          49 EXT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 49
                         
           Kurt's car pulls up on a grimy-looking South-Central
           street and stops in front of a dingy bar. The guys get
           out and look around warily.
                         
                          KURT
           This must be the place.
                         
                          DALE
           Aren't you worried about your car?
                         
                          KURT
           Nah, Gregory's watching it.
                         
                          NICK
           You really think we're gonna find
           a hitman in there?
                         
                          KURT
           I think we're gonna have a hard
           time deciding between all the
           hitmen in there. Trust me, these
           are the lowest of the low.
                         
                         
          50 INT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 50
                         
           The three guys enter the squalid, smoky place. The room
           is full of surly-looking PATRONS, none of them white.
           People turn to stare.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh, real nice, Kurt. Way to be
           racist.
                         
                          KURT
           This isn't a race thing. We need
           a criminal and this neighborhood
           is where they live. I'm not
           saying that's because there are a
           lot of black people here. That's
           the fault of our society that
           discriminates and disenfranchises
           them.
                          (CONTINUED)
           51.
                         50 CONTINUED: 50
                         
                          DALE
           You said they were the lowest of
           the low.
                         
                          KURT
           I was speaking socio-economically.
                         
                          NICK
           So what do we do now? Yell out
           `anyone here kill people for
           money?'
                         
                          KURT
           Let me handle this.
                         
           They each take a seat at the bar where a no-nonsense
           BARTENDER walks over to them.
                         
                          BARTENDER
           Yeah?
                         
                          KURT
           Hey. How you doing? Nice place.
                          (LEANING IN)
           Listen, does anyone here kill
           people for money?
                         
                          NICK
           Kurt!
                         
           An intense-looking GUY on the next stool notices them.
                         
                          BARTENDER
           The fuck did you just say?
                         
                          KURT
           Don't get me wrong. This isn't
           about race. Our society
           discriminates and disenfranchises
                          YOU --
                         
                          DALE
           (head in hands)
           Oh my God.
                         
                          BARTENDER
           I'm a small business owner. Who
           are you calling disenfranchised?
                         
                          KURT
           I didn't mean you in particular.
                         
                          BARTENDER
           Right. You mean all black people.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           52.
                         50 CONTINUED: (2) 50
                         
                          NICK
           Maybe we should go?
                         
                          BARTENDER
           You could do that. Or I could
           take the aluminum baseball bat I'm
           holding in my right hand and
           disenfranchise your teeth from
           your mouth.
                         
                          DALE
           I vote we go.
                         
           The three stand and head for the door.
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, we're going. I'm sorry if I
           offended you. It was never my --
                         
                          BARTENDER
           Oh shit, please shut up.
                         
                          KURT
           Okey doke.
                         
                         
          51 EXT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 51
                         
           The guys come out onto the sidewalk.
                         
                          DALE
           This is ridiculous. We're never
           gonna find someone to do this for
           us.
                         
           COCKSUCKER JONES (O.S.)
           Yo!
                         
           They turn to see COCKSUCKER JONES, 30s, the guy who was
           sitting next to them at the bar.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           I think I can help you boys.
                         
           He gestures for them to follow him into the alley beside
           the bar. Kurt and Nick move to follow.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, we're just gonna follow him
           into that alley?... All right.
                         
                         
          52 INT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 52
                         
           Cocksucker Jones leans in to the three guys.
                          (CONTINUED)
           53.
                         52 CONTINUED: 52
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           I heard you're looking for someone
           to take care of some business for
           you?
                         
                          NICK
           Yes, we are. Are you a...
           businessman?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           (putting out his
                          HAND)
           Cocksucker Jones.
                         
                          NICK
           (unsure whether to
           take his hand)
           Excuse me?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           That's my name.
                         
                          DALE
           Your first name is Cocksucker?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           And my last name's Jones. You got
           a problem with that?
                         
                          DALE
           No, no. It's just interesting.
           That's the name on your birth
           certificate?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Naw, man. It's a nickname. My
           real name is Dean.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh! Like Dean Jones. The actor
           from Herbie the Love Bug.
                         
                          KURT
           (quietly to Dale)
           I don't think he knows who Dean
           Jones is.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           I know who Dean Jones is, bitch!
           I can't walk around here with that
           kind of faggy, cracker name.
                         
                          NICK
           So you chose `cocksucker'?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           54.
                         52 CONTINUED: (2) 52
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           That's right. Nobody fucks with a
           cocksucker. `Cocksucker' is the
           toughest name there is.
                         
                          DALE
           Not `motherfucker'?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           I considered Motherfucker. But in
           the end, I thought Cocksucker
           Jones sounded more badass than
           Motherfucker Jones.
                         
                          KURT
           I agree.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, here's the thing: we each
           work for a boss that we need to
           get rid of. Is that something you
           might be able to help us with?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           It is. Assuming you've got the
           cheese.
                         
                          KURT
           We've got cheese. How much cheese
           are we talking?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           For three hits? That's gonna run
           you thirty large.
                         
                          NICK
           That's a lot of cheese.
                         
                          KURT
           We don't have that much cheese.
                         
                          DALE
           Isn't there any kind of discount
           because we're buying three at
           once? Like buy two, get one free.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           This ain't the motherfucking Cold
           Stone Creamery. It's thirty large
           or nothing.
                         
                          NICK
           There's no way we can pay that.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           55.
                         52 CONTINUED: (3) 52
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Five large.
                         
                          DALE
           Wow.
                          (TO NICK)
           Good negotiating.
                         
                          NICK
           That's a lot more reasonable. And
           that would be for all three,
           Cocksucker?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Yeah.
                         
                          KURT
           Great. We're in.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Okay, meet me back here tomorrow
           night with the cash. I'll take
           care of the rest.
                         
                          NICK
           Should we bring the bills in any
           kind of special denominations?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           No, just, whatever. Small bills.
                         
                          NICK
           Got it.
                         
                          KURT
           And do you want it in any
           particular container, like a
           shoebox?
                         
                          NICK
           Or a paper bag?
                         
                          DALE
           Or plastic. I read an article
           that plastic is actually better
           for the environment than paper.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Fuck the environment! Just put
           that shit in a briefcase.
                         
                          NICK
           Got it. Thanks. Come on, guys.
                         
           They turn to go, when Dale turns back.
                          (CONTINUED)
           56.
                         52 CONTINUED: (4) 52
                         
                          DALE
           Should we deduct the cost of the
           briefcase?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           What?!
                         
                          DALE
           I mean, assuming we don't get the
           case back... We're not getting the
           case back, right?
                         
           Cocksucker glares at him.
                         
                          DALE
           Well, that's like an extra eighty
           bucks. Only seems fair that we
           should take that out of your end.
                         
                          NICK
           We'll cover the briefcase, Dale.
                         
                          DALE
           Then let's get a cheap one. It
           doesn't have to be real leather.
           (then to Cocksucker)
           Are you cool with faux -- ?
                         
           Kurt grabs Dale by the shoulder and hustles him to the
           car.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          53 SERIES OF SHOTS 53
                         
           MUSIC CUE: Frank Sinatra's "(Forget Your Troubles, Come
           On) Get Happy"
                         
           -- Dale, Kurt and Nick each take a turn at an ATM
           machine, withdrawing the maximum amount they can.
                         
           -- Nick at his desk at work. He looks over his cubicle
           wall and his eyes narrow as he sees Harken directing a
           WORKMAN who stencils the words "Senior Vice President of
           Sales" below where it already says "President." Another
           WORKMAN uses a sledgehammer on the wall of the office.
           Nick grins malevolently.
                         
           -- Kurt is at his desk in the chemical company. He looks
           up to see Bobby Pellit open his office door and lead out
           two obvious HOOKERS. Pellit has white powder around his
           nostrils. He spots Kurt watching him and he sneers back.
           Kurt smiles devilishly.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           57.
                         53 CONTINUED: 53
                         
           -- CLOSE ON Dale as he places tooth X-rays into plastic
           contact sheets. PULL BACK to reveal Julia is licking his
           neck while tweaking his nipples through his scrubs. In
           contrast to earlier, Dale appears to be unfazed and
           almost amused by Julia's antics.
                         
                         
          54 EXT. ALLEY - THAT NIGHT 54
                         
           Cocksucker Jones holds an open briefcase that's empty but
           for a single stack of taped together 20-dollar bills.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Looks like it's all here.
                         
                          DALE
           Turns out we didn't really need
           the briefcase after all. Could've
           just used a manila envelope.
                         
                          KURT
           Shut up, Dale.
                         
                          NICK
           So, Cocksucker, how long do you
           think it'll be before you've...
           taken care of business?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Here's the thing. I just got out
           of doing a dime for some pretty
           ugly shit and I'm still on
           probation. They're watching me.
           So if I step out of line, I go
           right back inside.
                         
                          KURT
           You told us you could take care of
           it.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           And I'm gonna. I'm gonna be your
           professional advisor. Think of me
           as your murder consultant.
                         
                          NICK
           We don't want a murder consultant.
           We want a murderer.
                         
                          DALE
           I knew we were getting ripped off!
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, look. This isn't what we
           talked about.
                          (MORE)
                          (CONTINUED)
           58.
                         54 CONTINUED: 54
                          KURT (CONT'D)
           Can we just get our money back,
           please? Then we'll be on our way.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Sorry, no refunds.
                         
                          NICK
           That's five thousand dollars. You
           think we're just gonna walk away
           and let you keep that?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           (getting in his face)
           I think you're forgetting who
           you're talking to.
                         
           Cocksucker pulls back the lower edge of his jacket to
           reveal what appears to be the holster of a gun.
                         
                          DALE
           Whoa, whoa! We don't want any
           trouble.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Now either I give you the advice
           you paid for, or you can walk away
           with nothing. Up to you.
                         
                          KURT
           Look, the whole reason we came to
           you is because we don't have the
           experience to do it ourselves.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Most killers are first-timers.
           Look, the key to a good murder is
           making it look like an accident.
           Gas leak, brakes failing, suicide,
           that sort of thing. If you do it
           right, you won't even have to be
           there when it goes down.
                         
                          NICK
           That makes sense. But how would
           we fake three accidents?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           You need to stalk your prey, track
           their movements, get to know them
           inside and out. Where do they go?
           What do they eat for breakfast?
           Who're they fucking?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           59.
                         54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
                         
                          DALE
           You're talking about surveillance
           and recon.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           But making it look like an
           accident won't be enough if the
           pigs can pin a motive on you.
                         
                          NICK
           Well, we all have obvious motives
           for killing our bosses.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           So why don't you kill each other's
           bosses?
                         
                          DALE
           Hey, that's a good idea. Like
           Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train.
                         
                          KURT
           The Danny DeVito movie?
                         
                          DALE
           Yes, the famous Alfred
           Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie.
           You're thinking of Throw Mama from
           the Train. But it's actually the
           same idea. If we kill each
           other's bosses there's no link to
           us.
                         
                          NICK
           That's pretty good.
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           That's what you're paying me for.
           Now ain't that worth five grand?
                         
           The guys all AD LIB "no's."
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Yeah, well, too fucking bad.
                         
                         
          55 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - NEXT EVENING 55
                         
           Nick is poring over a stack of documents when his phone
           rings.
                         
                          INTERCUT WITH:
           60.
                         
                         
          56 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 56
                         
           Kurt and Dale wait in the car outside of Nick's office.
                         
                          KURT
           We're outside. You ready for a
           little recon?
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah. I just need to get Harken
           to let me leave early.
                         
                          KURT
           What's the difference? He's not
           going to be your boss much longer.
                         
                          NICK
                          (WHISPERING)
           If I get fired before we kill
           Harken, this'll all have been for
           nothing. I'll just be an out-of-
           work murderer.
                          (THEN)
           I'll be down in three minutes.
                         
           He hangs up then peers over his cubicle wall to see
           Harken talking to another EMPLOYEE nearby. Nick takes a
           breath, leans over his garbage pail and sticks a
           Commtronix pen down his throat. At the sound of Nick's
           loud WRETCHING, Harken looks over to see him puking into
           the trash pail.
                         
                          HARKEN
           What in God's name...?!
                         
                          NICK
                          (WEAKLY)
           Sorry, sir. I've been fighting
           this bug all day. I'll just get
           back to work --
                         
           Nick wipes his mouth and turns pathetically back to his
           desk.
                         
                          HARKEN
           No. Go home. I don't want you
           getting everyone else sick.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh, okay. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
                         
           Nick grabs his jacket and moves to go.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           61.
                         56 CONTINUED: 56
                         
                          HARKEN
           Wait. Take your work with you.
           Have it on my desk at six AM.
                         
           Nick barely conceals his contempt as he picks up the
           stack of papers and heads out.
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (MUTTERING)
           Disgusting.
                         
                         
          57 EXT. BOBBY PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT DAY 57
                         
           Kurt's car pulls up slowly and parks. Kurt, Dale and
           Nick slump down in their seats.
                         
                         
          58 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 58
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, boys, as soon as Pellit
           makes a move, we tail him. It is
           on now.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh, it's on.
                         
                          DALE
           Hells yeah!
                         
           They watch the house with steely determination.
                         
                          DISSOLVE TO:
                         
                         
          59 INT. KURT'S CAR - ONE HOUR LATER 59
                         
           The guys are bored out of their minds, barely awake.
           Dale nibbles on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a
           plastic bag.
                         
                          KURT
           Ugghhhhh, I can't believe how much
           this sucks.
                         
                          DALE
           I don't get it. On TV,
           surveillance always looks so
           great. They've got their cups of
           coffee. Their sunflower seeds.
           They talk about their lives.
                          (MORE)
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           62.
                         59 CONTINUED: 59
                          DALE (CONT'D)
           And then, right when they reveal
           something really intimate, the
           perp appears and they spring into
           action.
                         
           A long, silent pause as they watch the house...
                         
                          NICK
           Are we even sure he's home?
                         
           They exchange looks.
                         
                          KURT
           (opening his door)
           Let's go check it out.
                         
           They get out of the car. Dale pockets his sandwich.
                         
                         
          60 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 60
                         
           The three guys creep around Pellit's patio, peeking in
           doors and windows. Finally:
                         
                          NICK
           I don't see him.
                         
           Kurt is about to try a window when Dale stops him.
                         
                          DALE
           What are you doing?
                         
                          KURT
           We're not gonna get intel standing
           on his lawn. We have to go in.
                         
                          DALE
           What about fingerprints? We don't
           have gloves.
                         
                          KURT
           Here, do this.
                         
           Kurt pulls his shirt sleeves down over his hands. Dale
           does the same. Nick, who wears a T-shirt, tucks his
           hands inside the bottom of the shirt. With some
           difficulty, Kurt slides open the window.
                         
                          KURT
           Here we go.
                         
           The three of them manage to wriggle through the window.
           It's not graceful: Dale's foot gets caught on the sill,
           causing him to tumble on top of Nick and Kurt. At last,
           all three are inside.
           63.
                         
                         
          61 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
                         
                          KURT
           Dale, keep an eye out. Let us
           know if Pellit's coming.
                         
                          DALE
           Got it. Wait, I don't know what
           he looks like.
                         
                          NICK
           It doesn't matter. Just tell us
           if anyone comes.
                         
                          DALE
           Got it.
                         
           They take in Pellit's living room. There's a leather
           sofa, a 60-inch plasma and enormous speakers. On the
           wall are framed Ed Hardy posters depicting dragons and
           half-naked girls.
                         
                          KURT
           Wow. This guy's a bigger
           douchebag than me.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, let's split up. Look for
           any intel we can use on him.
                         
                          KURT
           What kind of intel?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't know. I guess we'll know
           it when we see it.
                         
           Kurt heads upstairs while Dale and Nick look around the
           living room.
                         
                          DALE
           Hey, Nick? Does this count as
           intel?
                         
           Nick looks over to see Dale holding in his sleeve-covered
           hands an open wooden box filled with white powder.
                         
                          NICK
           Holy shit, that's a lot of blow.
                         
                          DALE
           God, this must be worth, like, ten
           thousand -- oh shit!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           64.
                         61 CONTINUED: 61
                         
           Suddenly, the box slips out of Dale's hands. It hits the
           floor, sending a cascade of cocaine all over the rug.
                         
                          NICK
           What the fuck?!!
                         
                          DALE
           Sorry, my sleeves were slippery!
                         
                          NICK
           We've got to get that back in the
           box.
                         
                          DALE
           I've got it.
                         
           He kneels and begins trying to scoop up the coke in his
           hands. It's an impossible task.
                         
                         
          62 INT. PELLIT'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 62
                         
           Kurt looks around the room. He doesn't see anything
           useful so he heads into --
                         
                         
          63 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 63
                         
           He flips on the light. His eyes land on Pellit's
           toothbrush. He grins slyly.
                         
                         
          64 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 64
                         
           Dale is still on his knees, scooping up coke, as Nick
           returns from the kitchen cradling a Dustbuster in his T-
           shirt.
                         
                          NICK
           Look out. Let me try this.
                         
           Struggling with his hands in his T-shirt, Nick vacuums up
           the cocaine from the rug. When he's finished, he pops
           open the vacuum's waste receptacle and dumps the contents
           back in the wooden box.
                         
                         
          65 CLOSE ON THE BOX 65
                         
           Which is now filled not only with cocaine, but bits of
           hair, dust bunnies, food and other crap.
           65.
                         
                         
          66 BACK TO SCENE 66
                         
                          DALE
           I guess we should've emptied the
           Dustbuster before we used it.
                         
                          NICK
           You think?
                         
                         
          67 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 67
                         
           Just BELOW FRAME, Kurt removes Pellit's toothbrush from
           his ass and returns it to its holder, careful to keep his
           hands covered with his sleeves.
                         
           He's about to go when he notices a bar of Neutrogena face
           soap beside the sink. He looks around deviously.
                         
                         
          68 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER 68
                         
           Dale and Nick are doing their best to pick the crap out
           of Pellit's cocaine.
                         
                          DALE
           Hey look, there's a piece of
           cereal in here. Can't tell if
           that's a corn flake or a frosted
           flake...
                         
           Kurt comes down the stairs.
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, my work upstairs is done.
           You guys ready to split?
                         
                         
          69 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 69
                         
           Kurt pulls away from the curb.
                         
                          NICK
           We need to be better prepared.
           That was totally dangerous and a
           complete waste of time.
                         
                          KURT
           Not a complete waste.
                         
           He pulls a BlackBerry out of his pocket.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh no... don't tell me...
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           66.
                         69 CONTINUED: 69
                         
                          DALE
           You stole that from Pellit's
           house?
                         
                          KURT
           It's got his calendar and his
           contacts. This is what recon's
           all about.
                         
                          DALE
                          (GLUM)
           Nobody said we'd be stealing.
                         
                          KURT
           Shall we pay a little visit to
           your boss, Nick?
                         
                          NICK
           I guess so. But let's make a stop
           first.
                         
                         
          70 EXT. RITE-AID PHARMACY - MINUTES LATER 70
                         
           Nick emerges from the store with a plastic bag and gets
           into Kurt's car.
                         
                         
          71 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 71
                         
                          DALE
           What did you need to get?
                         
           Nick holds up a box of latex gloves.
                         
                          NICK
           No more sleeve gloves.
                         
                          DALE
           Nice.
                         
                          KURT
           Oh man, you should've asked me.
           I've got a whole box of those in
           my bedside table.
           (off their grossed-
                          OUT LOOKS)
           Don't judge me.
                         
                          NICK
           Take a right up here. Harken's
           place is about a mile away.
                         
           They drive for a beat. Then --
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           67.
                         71 CONTINUED: 71
                         
                          DALE
           Y'know... this is kinda, I don't
           know... exciting.
                         
                          KURT
           Very.
                         
                          NICK
           (a little smile)
           Yeah.
                          (THEN)
           I guess we're really doing this
           now, huh?
                         
                          DALE
                          (GRINNING)
           I guess so.
                         
                         
          72 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 72
                         
           A two-story house with a tidy yard. Kurt's car pulls up.
                         
                         
          73 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73
                         
           Kurt and Nick begin pulling on their gloves.
                         
                          DALE
           Can I have a pair?
                         
                          NICK
           You know, last time with the three
           of us, it got a little... messy.
           What if Kurt and I go in and you
           stay here and watch out for
           Harken?
                         
                          DALE
           Okay -- again, I don't know what
           he looks like.
                         
                          NICK
           If anyone approaches the house,
           assume it's him and give us a
           signal.
                         
                          DALE
           Fine. I'll honk the horn six
           times.
                         
                          KURT
           Maybe something a little more
           subtle?
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           68.
                         73 CONTINUED: 73
                         
                          DALE
           Honk the horn four times?
                         
                          NICK
           How about you just honk once?
                         
                          DALE
           People honk once all the time.
           You'll be running in and out of
           the house.
                         
                          KURT
           Fine. Honk twice.
                         
                          DALE
                          (SKEPTICAL)
           Okay...
                         
           Nick and Kurt get out of the car. After a beat, Dale
           remembers his sandwich and pulls it out of his pocket.
                         
                         
          74 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 74
                         
           Kurt and Nick sneak up to the front porch which is
           camouflaged by shrubs. They peek inside.
                         
                          NICK
                          (WHISPERING)
           Looks like the coast is clear.
                         
           Kurt tries the windows. They're locked.
                         
                          KURT
           Damn. Guess we'll have to break
           in the old-fashioned way.
                         
           Kurt looks around and spots a small rock beside the
           porch. He picks it up and winds back to throw it at the
           window.
                         
                          NICK
           Kurt, wait!
                         
           But it's too late. Kurt has released the rock. It HITS
           the window, but instead of breaking the glass, the rock
           itself BREAKS into two pieces.
                         
                          KURT
           Holy shit. I broke the rock.
                         
                          NICK
           No, it's one of those hide-a-key
           things. Look...
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           69.
                         74 CONTINUED: 74
                         
           Nick shows Kurt a key concealed in one half of the fake
           rock. He grabs it and inserts it into the front door
           lock.
                         
                         
          75 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75
                         
           The guys tiptoe in, whispering and tense. The place is
           tastefully decorated with attractive furniture and modern
           art. There is a vase of flowers on a table.
                         
                          NICK
           Wow. This is not how I pictured
           his place.
                         
                          KURT
           For all we know, he's got a closet
           full of skin suits.
                         
           A CAT springs out of nowhere, startling them, then runs
           off.
                         
                          NICK
           Jesus!
                         
                          KURT
           Stupid cat.
                          (THEN)
           Let's check upstairs.
                         
           They head up.
                         
                         
          76 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 76
                         
           Dale is finishing the last of his peanut butter sandwich.
           He checks the rearview mirror. No sign of anyone.
                         
                          DALE
           (singing a la Cher,
                          SIMULATING AUTO-
                          TUNE)
           `Do you believe in love after
           love/I can feel something inside
           me say/I really don't think you're
           strong enough now...'
                         
                         
          77 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 77
                         
           Just as Kurt and Nick enter, the cat suddenly jumps out
           from behind the door, startling them again.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           70.
                         77 CONTINUED: 77
                         
                          KURT
           God damn it! How many cats do
           they have?
                         
                          NICK
           I think that was the same one.
                         
                          KURT
           Little bastard.
                         
           Kurt notices a framed wedding photo on the dresser of
           Harken and Mrs. Harken.
                         
                          KURT
           Damn. That's Mrs. Harken? I'd
           like to cover her in cock yogurt.
                         
                          NICK
           You want to cover every woman
           in... did you say `cock yogurt'?
                         
                          KURT
           I did.
                         
           Yet again, Kurt and Nick jump as the cat LEAPS out of
           hiding with a YOWL then runs off.
                         
                          KURT
           Ahhh!
                         
                          NICK
           If he's so scared of us, why
           doesn't he just leave us alone?!
                         
                         
          78 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 78
                         
           Dale plays a bowling game on his cell phone.
                         
                          DALE
           C'mon, c'mon... yes!
                         
           A breeze blows through the open windows of the car,
           catching the plastic bag from Dale's sandwich and
           carrying it out the window.
                         
                         
          79 EXT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 79
                         
           Just then, Harken, in running attire, comes jogging up
           the street. His eye is caught by the plastic bag falling
           from the car window onto the street. He stops and
           angrily picks up the bag.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           71.
                         79 CONTINUED: 79
                         
                          HARKEN
           Hey, schmuck.
                         
           Dale, surprised, turns to the window.
                         
                          DALE
           Excuse me?
                         
                          HARKEN
           You want to tell me why you're
           littering on my street?
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, I'm sorry, that blew out the
           window. I wasn't littering.
                         
                          HARKEN
           I don't care if it blew out of
           your twat. Now, get your fucking
           Chevy Cavalier the hell off my
           block!
                         
                          DALE
           Whoa. Sir, there's no need to be
           hostile.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Hostile? You want to see hostile?
           How about I go in the house and
           get my --
                         
           Suddenly, Harken begins to choke and his face grows
           increasingly red.
                         
                          DALE
           Get your what?
                         
           With one hand Harken grabs his throat and with the other
           he looks at the plastic bag he's holding.
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (STRAINED)
           Peanuts?
                         
                          DALE
           Huh? Oh, yeah. It was a peanut
           butter sandwich.
                         
           Harken collapses to his knees. His face is turning blue
           now. Dale quickly steps out of the car.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh god! What should I do?! Tell
           me what to do!
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           72.
                         79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
                         
           Harken yanks up the right leg of his jogging pants
           revealing an EPI-PEN strapped to his ankle. He reaches
           for it, but Dale moves faster.
                         
                          DALE
           What do I do with this? Should I
           inject you?!
                         
           Harken nods urgently as his eyes begin to roll back.
                         
                          DALE
           Okay, hold on! I got this.
                         
           Dale takes the cap off the epi-pen, raises his arm and
           jams the needle into Harken's chest. Harken lets out a
           grunt.
                         
                          DALE
           Did I do it? Did I get enough
           in?! I'm gonna do it again!
                         
           Dale raises his arm again.
                         
                         
          80 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 80
                         
           Nick continues to search around the bedroom. Kurt is by
           the window.
                         
                          NICK
           Do you see a Day Runner or an
           address book?
                         
                          KURT
                          NO --
           (glances out the
                          WINDOW)
           What the...? Dude, check this
           out.
                         
           Nick joins him at the window and they both react as they
           see what appears to be Dale repeatedly STABBING Harken in
           the chest, neck and arms. Harken lies motionless on the
           sidewalk.
                         
                          NICK
                          (EXCITED)
           That's Harken! Dale's killing
           Harken!
                         
                          KURT
           Holy shit! He's really doing it!
                          (REALIZING)
           Out where everyone can see him.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           73.
                         80 CONTINUED: 80
                         
                          NICK
           What the hell is he thinking?!
                         
                          KURT
           He's not stopping. He's gonna get
           us all caught. We've gotta get
           out of here.
                         
                          NICK
           What about Dale?
                         
                          KURT
           He's a psychopath. We leave him
           behind.
                         
                          NICK
           Right. Let's go through the back!
                         
           As they hurry to leave the room, Kurt stumbles over the
           CAT which has appeared yet again. Unseen by either of
           them, PELLIT'S BLACKBERRY SLIPS out of his pocket and
           lands on the floor at the foot of Harken's bed.
                         
                         
          81 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 81
                         
           As Dale kneels over Harken to check his breathing, a car
           pulls up alongside and MRS. HARKEN steps out. Seeing her
           husband on the ground, she rushes over.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Oh my god! What happened?!
                         
                          DALE
           He had an allergic reaction. But
           I think he's coming around. Do
           you know him?
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           He's my husband.
                         
           Mrs. Harken kneels beside Harken and supports his head.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Honey? Can you hear me?
                         
           Harken groggily looks down at his torso which is
           perforated by dozens of tiny needle marks.
                         
                          HARKEN
           (groggy, to Dale)
           Wha-- What did you do to me?
                         
                          DALE
           I injected you with your thing.
                          (CONTINUED)
           74.
                         81 CONTINUED: 81
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           He saved your life, honey.
                          (TO DALE)
           Thank you so much!
                         
           She grabs Dale in a warm hug.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, it was nothing.
                         
                          HARKEN
           (to Mrs. Harken)
           What's this? What's with the
           hugging?
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           I'm just thankful that he was
           here.
                         
                          HARKEN
           I'll bet you are. Do you know
           this guy?
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           No. We just --
                         
                          HARKEN
           Are you fucking him, Rhonda?
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Oh, come on.
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (TO DALE)
           What were you doing out here,
           anyway? Waiting to fuck my wife?
                         
                          DALE
                          (FLUSTERED)
           I've never met your wife --
                         
           Still a bit woozy, Harken gets to his feet and points at
           Dale.
                         
                          HARKEN
           You need to get the hell out of
           here.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Dave, stop it. You should be
           thanking him. Why are you being
           so suspicious?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           75.
                         81 CONTINUED: (2) 81
                         
                          HARKEN
           Why? Because I know you sleep
           around on me. And I'm going to
           find out who it is.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           You're being ridiculous.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Am I? What about Maurilio? I see
           the way you look at him.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           I am not having sex with the
           gardener!
                         
           As Harken and his wife continue to bicker, Dale quietly
           retreats to Kurt's car.
                         
                         
          82 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATER 82
                         
           Nick and Kurt pace nervously.
                         
                          NICK
           I can't believe that idiot Dale.
           You realize we're all going to
           jail because of him.
                         
                          KURT
           I can't go to jail. Look at these
           eyes. Look at this ass. They'll
           be all over me.
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah, me too.
                         
                          KURT
                          (NOT CONVINCED)
           Well...
                         
                          NICK
           What do you mean `well'? I'd get
           raped just as much as you.
                         
                          KURT
                          (PATRONIZING)
           No, of course you would. You're a
           good-looking guy.
                         
                          NICK
           You think you're more rape-able
           than I am.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           76.
                         82 CONTINUED: 82
                         
                          KURT
           I never said that --
                         
           Dale enters.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh good. You guys are here. Did
           you see me out there?
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah, Dale, we saw you.
                         
                          DALE
           Pretty neat, huh?
                         
                          NICK
           No, it wasn't neat! You stabbed
           Harken to death in front of the
           whole neighborhood!
                         
                          KURT
           Not cool, man.
                         
                          DALE
           Wait, that was Harken?
                         
                          NICK
           Who'd you think you were stabbing?
                         
                          DALE
           I wasn't stabbing anybody. That
           was an epi-pen. He was having an
           allergic reaction to peanuts and I
           injected him.
                         
           Kurt and Nick digest this for a beat.
                         
                          NICK
           So let me understand this. My
           boss, who we are trying to kill,
           was dying in front of you and you
           saved his life?
                         
                          KURT
           Not cool, man.
                         
                          DALE
           Wait, you were just mad at me for
           killing him and now you're mad at
           me for not killing him?!
                          (THEN)
           See, this is why I needed to know
           what these people look like!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           77.
                         82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
                         
                          NICK
           Hang on a sec. Maybe this recon
           wasn't a waste of time. Now we
           know Harken's deathly allergic to
           peanuts and Pellit has a huge
           stash of cocaine.
                         
                          KURT
                          (GETTING IT)
           We could put peanuts in Harken's
           house and rat poison in Pellit's
           coke!
                         
                          NICK
           Everyone would assume that Pellit
           just got a batch of tainted drugs.
                         
                          DALE
           But Harken must always have that
           epi-pen on him.
                         
           They consider this for a beat.
                         
                          KURT
           I bet he doesn't wear it in the
           shower. We could put peanuts in
           his shampoo!
                         
                          NICK
           Perfect! Two fatal accidents.
           And we're not even there when they
           happen.
                         
                          DALE
           That just leaves Julia.
                         
                          KURT
           Tomorrow night, I'll surveil her
           and figure out how to take her
           down.
                         
                          NICK
           Good. I'll get some rat poison
           and take care of Pellit. Dale,
           think you can get some peanuts
           into Harken's shampoo?
                         
                          DALE
           I can do that.
                         
                          KURT
           All right. That just leaves us
           with one final thing to settle.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           78.
                         82 CONTINUED: (3) 82
                         
                          NICK
           What's that?
                         
                          KURT
           Dale, if Nick and I were in
           prison, which one of us would get
           raped more?
                         
           OFF Dale's confusion and Nick's annoyance --
                         
                         
          83 EXT. PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT NIGHT 83
                         
           Nick sits in his parked car watching the house through
           binoculars.
                         
                         
          84 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84
                         
           Through an upstairs window, he sees Pellit enter his
           bedroom. Nick checks his coat pocket and confirms it
           contains a Home Depot bag with rat poison inside. Nick
           dials his cell phone.
                         
                          INTERCUT WITH:
                         
                         
          85 EXT. JULIA'S CONDO - SAME TIME 85
                         
           Kurt sits in his car, reading Maxim magazine. Julia's
           car pulls up. She gets out, goes to the trunk, opens it,
           then bends down to get a bag of groceries. Nick watches
           her ass appreciatively as she does and keeps watching as
           she heads into her building.
                         
           SFX: His cell phone rings.
                         
                          NICK
                          (ON PHONE)
           Hey. Have you learned anything
           about Julia yet?
                         
                          KURT
           Well, I've learned that Dale is a
           homosexual because this chick is
           unbelievably hot. How's it going
           over there?
                         
                          NICK
           I'm just waiting for Pellit to go
           to sleep. I wonder how Dale's
           doing with Harken.
           79.
                         
                         
          86 EXT. HARKEN'S STREET - SAME TIME 86
                         
           Dale's car is parked.
                         
                         
          87 INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 87
                         
           Dale watches the movie Precious on his laptop. He
           glances over to see Harken turn on the light in his
           bedroom. On the seat beside Dale, we see a large jar of
           Planters peanuts.
                         
                         
          88 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 88
                         
           Harken looks around suspiciously, then goes to Mrs.
           Harken's closet. He opens it and begins looking through
           her clothing. He sniffs one of her dresses and his eyes
           narrow. He sniffs himself, then compares it to the smell
           of the dress. Unsatisfied, he continues searching around
           the room for any incriminating evidence. Suddenly, his
           foot comes in contact with something on the floor. He
           reaches down and picks up...
                         
           PELLIT'S BLACKBERRY.
                         
           He turns it on and scrolls down the contacts list to
           "HOME" which shows Bobby Pellit's name and address.
           Harken's face turns beet red.
                         
                         
          89 INT. DALE'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 89
                         
           Dale ducks down as he sees Harken's garage door opening.
           Harken's Porsche 911 pulls out and zooms up the street.
           Still scooched down, Dale dials his phone.
                         
                         
          90 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 90
                         
           Nick watches Pellit performing a series of sweaty KUNG FU
           MOVES in a full-length mirror.
                         
                          NICK
           Jesus, where does he get the
           energy?
                          (REMEMBERING)
           Oh yeah.
                         
           CELL PHONE RINGS.
                         
           Nick answers.
                         
                          NICK
           What's up, Dale?
                          (CONTINUED)
           80.
                         90 CONTINUED: 90
                         
                          DALE
           Harken just left his house. I'm
           going in.
                         
                          NICK
           Good luck, man.
                         
                          DALE
           Thanks.
                         
                         
          91 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 91
                         
           Dale flips on the light and enters clutching the peanut
           jar in his gloved hands. He slides open the shower
           curtain and Harken's CAT LEAPS OUT at him.
                         
                          DALE
           Ahhh!
                         
           He regains his composure and finds a bottle of men's
           shampoo. As he nervously removes the cap from the
           shampoo and the lid from the peanuts, he notices that MR.
           PEANUT is STARING right at him. Despite his jaunty top
           hat and little monocle, there is something almost
           accusing in his look. Dale stares back at Mr. Peanut as
           we see his resolve soften.
                         
                         
          92 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 92
                         
           Nick watches as Pellit finally gets into bed and turns
           off his bedside lamp.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay. Here we go.
                         
           Nick reaches for the door handle as --
                         
           SFX: Nick's cell phone rings. Nick jumps, then answers
           the phone.
                         
                          INTERCUT WITH:
                         
                         
          93 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
                         
                          DALE
                          (INTO PHONE)
           Nick?
                         
                          NICK
           What?
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           81.
                         93 CONTINUED: 93
                         
                          DALE
           I'm not sure if I can do this.
                         
                          NICK
           Where are you?
                         
                          DALE
           In Harken's bathroom. About to
           pour the nuts in his shampoo.
           But, I just... I know he's a real
           shithead, but he's still a person,
           y'know?
                         
           Lights appear in Nick's rearview mirror.
                         
                          NICK
           (looking down at the
           rat poison,
                          RELUCTANTLY)
           Yeah. I know.
                         
           Harken's Porsche pulls up and stops just behind Nick's
           car. Harken gets out and heads toward Pellit's front
           door.
                         
                          DALE
           What should I do? Should I do it?
                         
           Suddenly, Nick looks up to see HARKEN knocking on
           Pellit's door. In the bedroom, Pellit's light goes on.
                         
                          NICK
                          (WHISPERING)
           What the fuck?!
                         
                          DALE
           What?
                         
                          NICK
           It's Harken. He's here!
                         
                          DALE
           At Pellit's?! Why?!
                         
                          NICK
           I don't know. He's knocking on
           his door!
                         
                          DALE
           How would Harken even know Pellit?
           82.
                         
                         
          94 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 94
                         
           Looking irritated, Pellit answers the door. Before he
           can get a word out...
                         
           ... Harken removes a gun from his pocket and SHOOTS
           Pellit twice in the chest.
                         
                         
          95 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 95
                         
           Nick reacts, slumping down in his seat, horrified.
                         
                          NICK
           Oh my god oh my god oh my god...
                         
                          DALE
           What? What? What?!
                         
                          NICK
           He shot him. Harken shot Pellit!
                         
                          DALE
           Oh my god. Is he dead?!
                         
                          NICK
           Shhhh!
                         
           With shaking hands, Nick reaches for his ignition but
           knocks the car keys out. They fall onto the floor of the
           car.
                         
                          NICK
                          (HUSHED)
           Fuck!
                         
           As Nick bends down to find his keys, Harken's shadow
           looms over him. Nick cowers just out of sight.
                         
                         
          96 EXT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 96
                         
           Harken looks around. Did he hear something? No. He
           calmly but briskly walks away from Nick's car, gets into
           his own and speeds off.
                         
                         
          97 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 97
                         
                          DALE
           What's happening?
                         
                          NICK
           Harken's gone.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           83.
                         97 CONTINUED: 97
                         
                          DALE
           What about Pellit?
                         
                          NICK
           He's not moving. He looks dead.
                         
                          DALE
           Shit! What do we do?!
                         
                          NICK
           I've got to get out of here before
           someone sees me! Meet me at the
           bar. I'll call Kurt.
                         
           Nick ZOOMS away from the curb.
                         
                         
          98 EXT. STREET CORNER - MOMENTS LATER 98
                         
           Nick's car SPEEDS through a red light at an intersection.
           A TRAFFIC CAMERA FLASHES as it snaps Nick's photo and
           license plate.
                         
                         
          99 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 99
                         
           With trembling hands, Nick and Dale take deep gulps of
           their drinks. Kurt hurries in, looking disheveled. The
           ensuing conversation is conducted in tense whispers.
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, let's all stay calm and
           figure this out.
                         
                          NICK
           Calm? How can we be calm? I
           watched a man die an hour ago!
                         
                          KURT
           A man you were going to kill
           anyway.
                         
                          NICK
           Well...
                         
                          KURT
           What?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't know if I had it in me.
                         
                          DALE
           Me neither.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           84.
                         99 CONTINUED: 99
                         
                          KURT
           I can't believe you guys! You
           can't just bail on a plan like
           that at the last minute.
                         
                          NICK
           You think when it came down to it,
           you would've been able to murder
           Julia?
                         
           Kurt softens.
                         
                          KURT
           I don't know. I mean, afterwards,
           it was kind of hard to imagine
           killing her.
                         
           Nick and Dale turn to him, quizzically.
                         
                          DALE
           `Afterwards'?
                         
           Kurt realizes what he said.
                         
                          NICK
           You slept with her, didn't you?
                         
                          DALE
                          (TO KURT)
           Oh god. Please tell me you didn't
           sleep with her.
                         
           Kurt lowers his head.
                         
                          NICK
           You are a mess.
                         
                          KURT
           I know, I know. But it's not my
           fault.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          100 FLASHBACK - EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 100
                         
           Kurt's car is parked across the street.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           At first I was surveilling her
           just like I was supposed to...
           85.
                         
                         
          101 INT. KURT'S CAR - NIGHT 101
                         
           Kurt watches through her bedroom window as Julia
           undresses sexily.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           Then she started deliberately
           undressing in front of the window.
           With the lights on. She must've
           known I was there.
                         
           As Julia removes her bra, we see Kurt's face pressed
           against his car window, his breath fogging it up.
                         
                         
          102 INT. KURT'S CAR - LATER 102
                         
           Julia enters her bedroom with a tray of food. She wears
           a skimpy kimono-style robe. She sits on her bed and
           unwraps a Popsicle.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           Then she made herself a little
           snack. A Popsicle...
                         
           We see Julia eat the Popsicle as suggestively as humanly
           possible. Then she picks up a banana and peels it.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           ... then a banana....
                         
           Julia eases the whole banana into her mouth. Then she
           picks up a hot dog.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           ... and finally a hot dog. I
           mean, three penis-shaped foods
           cannot be coincidence. And in
           that weird order? That's not a
           proper meal.
                         
                         
          103 EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 103
                         
           DALE (V.O.)
           So you took that as an invitation
           to fuck her?
                         
           Julia opens her front door, stares straight at Kurt and
           beckons him inside with one finger. She walks back
           inside, leaving the door wide open.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           No. I took her invitation to fuck
           her as an invitation to fuck her.
                          (CONTINUED)
           86.
                         103 CONTINUED: 103
                         
           Kurt opens his car door so quickly he tumbles out
           headfirst, planting his face on the street. He jumps up,
           but one ankle is tangled in the seatbelt. He finally
           extricates himself and hurries to the house as fast as he
           can.
                         
                         
          104 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION (PRESENT) 104
                         
                          NICK
           There is something clinically
           wrong with you.
                         
                          KURT
           I know. I'm a rapscallion.
                         
                          DALE
           You're not a rapscallion. You're
           a whore. A filthy whore.
                         
                          KURT
           Hey. Not nice. And besides, I
           think I actually solved your
           problem, Dale. Julia just needed
           a good fucking. I bet she's not
           going to mess with you anymore.
                         
                          NICK
           Whatever. We have bigger fish to
           fry right now. What do we do
           about Harken?
                         
                          KURT
           Here's what we do. We call the
           cops and make an anonymous tip
           that Harken killed Pellit. Boom.
           Harken's in jail. Pellit's in
           hell. Julia's had the crazy
           fucked out of her. Our problems
           are solved. Boom.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, but we should find a
           payphone. We don't want them
           tracing the call to us.
                         
                         
          105 EXT. BRADFORD'S BAR - MINUTES LATER 105
                         
           Nick, Kurt and Dale emerge from the bar.
                         
                          NICK
           Come on, we'll take my car.
                         
           The three of them climb into Nick's car.
           87.
                         
                         
          106 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 106
                         
           Before Nick can even pull out of his parking spot, they
           hear the WHOOP of a police siren and see the flashing
           lights of a SQUAD CAR behind them. The guys' faces go
           white.
                         
                          NICK
           What the hell?
                         
           Nick unrolls his window as one COP approaches his side
           and his PARTNER comes up on the other.
                         
                          COP
           Are you the owner of this vehicle?
                         
                          NICK
           Uh, yes. Is there something
           wrong?
                         
                          COP
           We've got an APB on a black Kia
           Spectra, license 4HIG208.
                         
                          NICK
           Can I ask why?
                         
                          COP
           A traffic cam caught this vehicle
           fleeing the scene of a crime
           tonight. I'm going to need you to
           follow us to the station.
                         
                          KURT
           Officer? This is not my car. Is
           it okay if I just -- ?
                         
                          COP
           All three of you, please.
                         
           Nick glares at Kurt as the cops head back to their car.
                         
                         
          107 INT. POLICE STATION - LATER 107
                         
           Kurt, Nick and Dale sit in a waiting area looking equal
           parts terrified and pissed at each other. Throughout the
           following, they speak in hushed voices.
                         
                          DALE
           They know everything. We're dead.
           I can't believe I let you guys
           talk me into this!
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           88.
                         107 CONTINUED: 107
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, please. We were just being
           hypothetical. You're the one who
           pushed us to do it.
                         
                          NICK
           We can't even say anything about
           Harken now.
                         
                          KURT
           Why not?
                         
                          NICK
           Uh, well, Kurt, being outside the
           murder victim's house because I
           was planning to murder him
           probably isn't the best alibi in
           the world.
                         
                          KURT
           You know, I didn't actually do
           anything illegal, so...
                         
                          DALE
           You broke into two people's houses
           and stole a BlackBerry!
                         
                          KURT
           You gonna rat on me, Dale?
                         
                          DALE
           Well, since I'm the only one
           without a connection to the
           murder, yeah, maybe I will.
                         
                          NICK
           That means you'd also rat on me.
                         
                          KURT
           Not if I rat on Dale first.
                         
           Just then, a burly detective, HAGAN, appears behind them.
                         
                          HAGAN
           Gentlemen, this way, please.
                         
           The guys glare angrily at each other as they follow
           Hagan.
                         
                         
          108 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MINUTES LATER 108
                         
           Nick, Dale and Kurt sit on metal chairs across a table
           from Hagan and his equally burly partner, SAMSON. Hagan
           slides a PHOTO across the table to Nick.
           89.
                         
                         
          109 CLOSE ON A BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF NICK 109
                         
           taken by the traffic camera. His terrified face is
           clear, as is the time stamp at the bottom.
                         
                         
          110 BACK TO SCENE 110
                         
                          HAGAN
           Do you want to explain why you
           were driving 61 in a 25 zone, a
           block from the victim's house two
           minutes after he was shot to
           death?
                         
                          NICK
           I... was drag racing.
           (off their skeptical
                          LOOK)
           I am a drag racer. There's no law
           against that, is there?
                         
                          HAGAN
           Actually there is.
                         
                          SAMSON
           You were drag racing in a Kia
           Spectra?
                         
                          NICK
           I don't win a lot.
                         
                          HAGAN
           Here's what I don't understand.
           You're at the crime scene. An
           hour later when we find your car,
           you just happen to be hanging out
           with this guy...
           (gestures to Dale)
           ... a registered sex offender --
                         
                          KURT
                          (RE: DALE)
           Tsk tsk.
                         
                          HAGAN
           ... and this guy...
           (gestures at Kurt and
           holds up a wallet)
           ... whose employee ID says he
           works for Pellit Chemicals, the
           victim's company.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           90.
                         110 CONTINUED: 110
                         
                          KURT
                          (FEIGNING SHOCK)
           Wait. My boss was murdered?!
           Bobby Pellit?!
                         
                          DALE
                          (WRY)
           You want me to get you a Kleenex?
                         
                          KURT
           I can't believe this.
                          (TO NICK)
           What were you doing near his
           house?!
                         
           Nick looks at him, pissed.
                         
                          NICK
           Where were you during the murder?
                         
                          KURT
           I was making love.
                         
                          DALE
                          (SNORTS)
           `Making love.'
                         
                          KURT
           (to the cops)
           Let me ask you something,
           Detective. Let's say one of us
           knew who the shooter was and was
           willing to hand you that perp on a
           platter. Would he be entitled to
           some sort of immunity for that
           information?
                         
           Both Dale and Nick shoot daggers at him.
                         
                          HAGAN
           No. But he would be entitled to
           some sort of jail time. Because
           if he knew who the shooter was and
           didn't tell us, that would be
           obstruction of justice.
                         
           A beat.
                         
                          KURT
           Well, then I'm glad we have no
           idea who the shooter is, right,
           guys?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           91.
                         110 CONTINUED: (2) 110
                         
                          SAMSON
                          (LOSING PATIENCE)
           If you expect us to believe this
           is all just a big coincidence,
           we're going to be here for a long
           time.
                         
                          DALE
           Okay wait!
                         
           Now it's Kurt and Nick who look nervous. Is Dale about
           to crack?
                         
                          DALE
           Saying that we'll be here for a
           long time implies that we can't
           leave. Does that mean we're under
           arrest?
                         
           Samson looks to Hagan who grimaces.
                         
                          HAGAN
           No. We just brought you in for
           questioning.
                         
                          DALE
           So, you don't have evidence
           constituting probable cause to
           arrest us?
                         
                          SAMSON
           Not yet.
                         
                          DALE
           Well then, we're free to go?
                         
                          HAGAN
           Technically.
                         
           Dale nervously stands up, half expecting to be hit.
                         
                          DALE
           Come on, guys.
                         
           Kurt and Nick, impressed and relieved, stand and head
           out.
                         
                         
          111 INT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS ACTION 111
                         
           The three guys head for the exit.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           92.
                         111 CONTINUED: 111
                         
                          NICK
                          (TO DALE)
           Nice work. Where'd that come
           from?
                         
                          DALE
           `Law & Order.'
                         
                          KURT
           We really showed those guys.
                         
                          NICK
           `We'? You were gonna turn us in!
                         
                          KURT
           For, like, a second.
                         
           SAMSON (O.S.)
           Stop!
                         
           The guys turn to see Samson holding out a traffic
           citation.
                         
                          SAMSON
           (handing it to Nick)
           For speeding and running a red
           light.
                          (THEN)
           Don't get too comfortable out
           there, boys. Our forensics team
           is sweeping Pellit's house for
           fingerprints and DNA. And they
           don't miss much.
                         
           We HOLD ON Kurt's face and --
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          112 FLASHBACK - INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - DAY 112
                         
           Kurt pulls Pellit's toothbrush out of his butt and
           returns it to its holder.
                         
                         
          113 BACK TO SCENE (PRESENT) 113
                         
           Kurt suddenly looks nauseous.
                         
                         
          114 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 114
                         
           Kurt drives, Nick is in front and Dale in back.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           93.
                         114 CONTINUED: 114
                         
                          KURT
           We are so fucked.
                         
                          NICK
           Maybe it's time to lawyer up.
                         
                          DALE
           I don't have money for a lawyer.
           I gave all my money to Cocksucker
           Jones!
                         
                          KURT
           Hey, that's right! I forgot all
           about Cocksucker. Why don't we
           ask him what to do?
                         
                          NICK
           We did pay him five thousand
           dollars to be our murder
           consultant.
                         
                          DALE
           Actually, it was five thousand
           forty with the briefcase.
                         
           OFF their looks --
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          115 INT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 115
                         
           Cocksucker Jones looks up from his bar stool, surprised
           to see Nick, Kurt and Dale.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Oh damn, look who's back. How did
           it go with the Strangers on a
           Train shit?
                         
                          KURT
           Not great. We need your help.
                         
                          NICK
           One of our intended victims killed
           another of our intended victims.
                         
           Cocksucker's eyes go wide.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Shut the fuck up! What kind of
           evil geniuses are you?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           94.
                         115 CONTINUED: 115
                         
                          DALE
           We don't even know why it
           happened. But the cops brought us
           in as suspects. What do we do
           now?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           First things first. I'm gonna
           need another five thousand
           dollars.
                         
                          KURT
           What? No way. You said the last
           five thousand would cover this!
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Okay, fine. Pay for my drink.
                         
           As Nick puts down a few bills on the bar, Dale leans in
           to Kurt.
                         
                          DALE
                          (SOTTO)
           Not the best negotiator, is he?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Let me ask you this -- the guy who
           killed the other guy you were
           planning on killing, are the
           police after him too?
                         
                          NICK
           No. They don't suspect him.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           All right, so you're gonna need to
           encourage him to turn himself in,
           by say, kidnapping his wife and
           mailing him her earlobe or
           something.
                         
                          DALE
           That's horrible.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Naw, the earlobe's vestigial.
           (off their looks)
           All right, how about you trick him
           into confessing what he did while
           you wear a wire?
                         
                          KURT
           A wire. That's good.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           95.
                         115 CONTINUED: (2) 115
                         
                          NICK
                          (TO COCKSUCKER)
           Is that how the cops caught you
           when you murdered someone?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           What the hell are you talking
           about? I never murdered anyone.
                         
           There's a beat.
                         
                          NICK
           What?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Who told you I killed somebody?
                         
                          KURT
           You did. You said you served a
           `dime' for `some pretty ugly
           shit.'
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           It was ugly.
                         
                          DALE
           What was it?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
                          (LEANING IN)
           You ever see the movie Snow
           Falling on Cedars?
                         
                          NICK/KURT
           No.
                          DALE
           Yes.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           I got caught with a video camera
           making a bootleg copy of that
           movie.
                         
                          NICK
           You did ten years for video
           piracy?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Hey, that's a federal offense.
           They take that shit serious.
                          (BEAT)
           I also made the mistake of
           representing myself at trial. May
           have insulted a few of the jurors.
                          (CONTINUED)
           96.
                         115 CONTINUED: (3) 115
                         
                          KURT
           Hold on. You're telling me we've
           been taking murder advice from
           someone whose biggest crime was
           taping an Ethan Hawke movie?!
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           So you do know it.
                         
                          DALE
           If you're not a murderer, why do
           you carry that gun on your belt?
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Gun?
                         
           He pulls back his jacket to reveal the holster we saw
           earlier.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           This is a motherfucking iPhone.
                         
           He pulls the phone out and shows them.
                         
                          NICK
           I feel like such a moron.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           Well, you are a moron. You don't
           walk into a bar and hand a guy
           five thousand dollars just because
           he's black.
                         
                          KURT
           Come on, guys. Let's get out of
           here.
                         
           The three of them turn to go.
                         
                          COCKSUCKER JONES
           (calling after them)
           Trust me on the wire thing,
           though. Worked for Donnie Brasco.
           Bootlegged that movie too.
                         
                         
          116 EXT. POLICE CRIME LAB - NEXT DAY 116
                         
           Hagan and Samson pull up in their car and get out.
                         
                         
          117 INT. FORENSICS LAB - MOMENTS LATER 117
                         
           The detectives enter to find a CRIME TECH leaning over
           his computer.
                          (CONTINUED)
           97.
                         117 CONTINUED: 117
                         
                          HAGAN
           You got something for us?
                         
                          CRIME TECH
           We didn't find any foreign prints
           in the house, but we did get a DNA
           match for one of your suspects,
           Kurt Gamble.
                         
                          SAMSON
           Where was it?
                         
                          CRIME TECH
           Pellit's upstairs bathroom. His
           toothbrush. It had traces of
           Gamble's fecal matter.
                         
                          HAGAN
           That sick bastard.
                         
                          CRIME TECH
           That's not all. We found feces on
           Pellit's hairbrush, face soap,
           floss and razor.
                         
                          SAMSON
           Razor?!
                         
                          CRIME TECH
           The handle. Not the blade. This
           Gamble guy put just about
           everything in that bathroom up his
           ass.
                         
                          HAGAN
           All I care about is that it puts
           him inside the house. That's
           enough for a warrant for him and
           his drag racing, sex offender
           friends.
           (takes out cell)
           I'll call the DA.
                         
                         
          118 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - THAT NIGHT 118
                         
           Kurt's car pulls up with the lights off and parks.
                         
                         
          119 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 119
                         
           Kurt is at the wheel, Nick sits shotgun, Dale in back.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           98.
                         119 CONTINUED: 119
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, looks quiet. Is the tape
           recorder ready?
                         
           Dale pulls out a mini-tape recorder and hands it to Nick
           along with a roll of surgical tape.
                         
                          DALE
           Fresh batteries, fresh six-hour
           tape, voice activated.
                         
                          NICK
           One of us needs to tape it to our
           chest.
                         
                          KURT
           I'll do it. I'm the only one
           without hair on my chest.
                         
                          NICK
           That's `cause you shave it.
                         
                          KURT
           I don't shave it. I wax it.
                         
           Nick gives Kurt the recorder and Kurt tapes it to his
           chest then lowers his shirt.
                         
                          DALE
           So what do we do now? Wait for
           Harken to come home and ambush
           him?
                         
                          NICK
           I have a better idea. Let's be in
           the house when he walks in. He'll
           be so mad, he'll be more likely to
           confess.
                         
                          KURT
           Right. We'll sit there in the
           dark till he comes in, and then
           switch on a lamp. That'll freak
           him out.
                         
                          DALE
           Hey, we should find an office
           chair so one of us can
           dramatically spin around and face
           Harken.
                         
                          NICK
           I'll be in the chair.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           99.
                         119 CONTINUED: (2) 119
                         
                          KURT
           Why do you get to be the guy in
           the chair?
                         
                          NICK
           He's my boss.
                         
                          DALE
           We could try and find more than
           one office chair so the three of
           us can spin around at the same
           time.
                         
                          KURT
           That doesn't sound intimidating.
           That sounds like a musical number.
                         
                          DALE
           I guess you're right. I'll turn
           on the lamp.
                         
                          KURT
           So I'm just supposed to stand
           there like an idiot?
                         
                          NICK
           You're recording it all. You're
           the most important member of the
           team.
                         
                          KURT
           Don't patronize me, Nick.
                         
                         
          120 EXT. HARKEN'S PORCH - MINUTES LATER 120
                         
           The guys tiptoe onto the porch, peeking in the windows.
           Nick tries the front door... and it swings open. They
           look at each other, then quietly head inside.
                         
                         
          121 INT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 121
                         
           The LIGHTS suddenly come on.
                         
                          PARTYGOERS
           Surprise!
                         
           There are 20 or 30 PARTYGOERS in the house which is
           decorated for a birthday party. The guys stand
           dumbstruck. The revelry peters out as the guests realize
           there are three strangers at the door. Mrs. Harken steps
           up.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           100.
                         121 CONTINUED: 121
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Who are you?
                         
                          NICK
           Uh... hi... sorry we're late. I'm
           Nick. I work with your husband
                          AND --
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
                          (NOTICING DALE)
           Aren't you the young man who
           helped Dave on the street the
           other day?
                         
                          DALE
           Uh, yes. How's he doing?
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           He's fine. Thanks to you.
           (then, to Nick)
           Did I invite you to this?
                         
           Before Nick can answer a GUEST at the window calls out.
                         
                          GUEST #1
           His car just turned the corner!
                         
                          GUEST #2
           Someone get the lights!
                         
           As everyone scurries to hide, Kurt finds himself pressed
           up against Mrs. Harken, beside the sofa. He checks her
           out.
                         
                          KURT
           (shaking her hand)
           Hi, we didn't formally meet. I'm
           Kurt.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
                          (DISTRACTED)
           Hi.
                         
                          KURT
           Nick didn't tell me that his boss
           was married to a model.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           (noticing him now,
                          FLATTERED)
           I'm not a model.
                         
                          KURT
                          ("SINCERE")
           When did you quit?
                          (CONTINUED)
           101.
                         121 CONTINUED: (2) 121
                         
           We see Mrs. Harken is intrigued. Just then, the front
           door opens and Harken enters. The lights come on.
                         
                          PARTYGOERS
           Surprise!
                         
           A jittery Harken nearly jumps out of his skin as the
           crowd starts singing "Happy Birthday." Mrs. Harken takes
           Harken's arm.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Were you surprised?
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (RELIEVED)
           Oh, yeah.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Look, everyone's here.
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (EVILLY)
           Almost everyone.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN
           Who are you talking about?
                         
                          HARKEN
           I think you know.
                          (THEN)
           I need to put my stuff away. I'll
           be right back.
                         
           He heads off to his study, leaving his confused wife.
           She notices Kurt, standing at the buffet, staring at her.
           He smiles and winks. Mrs. Harken gives him a little
           wave.
                         
                         
          122 ANGLE ON NICK, KURT AND DALE 122
                         
                          NICK
           He's going off alone. This is our
           chance.
                         
                          DALE
           You guys ready?
                         
                          KURT
           (still staring at
           Mrs. Harken)
           So fucking ready.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay, stay close.
                          (CONTINUED)
           102.
                         122 CONTINUED: 122
                         
                          KURT
                          (NOT LISTENING)
           Gotcha.
                         
           The three of them head toward the study.
                         
                         
          123 INT. HARKEN'S STUDY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 123
                         
           Just as Nick and Dale enter, Harken looks up and sees
           them.
                         
                          HARKEN
           What the hell are you doing here?
                          (TO DALE)
           You come to stab me a few more
           times, you lunatic?
                          (TO NICK)
           And my wife invited you? Are you
           fucking her too?
                         
           Nick tries his best to suppress his nervousness and be
           cool and threatening.
                         
                          NICK
           We know what you did, Harken.
                         
                          HARKEN
           What does that mean?
                         
                          NICK
           We were there. We saw you kill
           him.
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (TURNING DEAD
                          SERIOUS)
           So what is this? A shakedown?
           You think you can blackmail me
           because you saw me kill my wife's
           lover?
                         
           Nick winces. So close.
                         
                          DALE
                          (BLURTING OUT)
           Say his name.
                         
           Nick and Harken turn to Dale.
                         
                          HARKEN
           What?
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           103.
                         123 CONTINUED: 123
                         
                          DALE
           The guy you killed. What was his
           name?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Trust me, Pellit's name doesn't
           matter anymore.
                         
                          NICK
           There it is!
           (turning to Dale)
           Let's go, guys --
                         
           He freezes as he sees for the first time that Kurt didn't
           accompany them into the study. It's just him and Dale.
           Nick looks around, panicked.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Yeah, I killed Pellit --
                         
                          NICK
           Hang on. Hold that thought,
           because I want to get my friend,
                          KURT --
                         
                          HARKEN
           I walked right up to his door and
           I shot him in his fucking chest,
           and I'll tell you something: I
           liked it. So if you think I'm a
           pussy who won't do the same exact
           thing to some half-assed
           blackmailer, guess again.
                         
                          NICK
           (looking back at the
                          LIVING ROOM)
           You know who really thinks you're
           a pussy is my friend Kurt. Let me
           go grab him and you can tell him
           exactly what you just --
                         
                          HARKEN
           You're pathetic, Waters. You come
           into my home, on my goddam
           birthday and try and pull this
           shit? Well, guess what? You're a
           dead man. You...
                          (TO DALE)
           ... you, and your friend Kurt,
           whoever the fuck he is. Dead.
           Men.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           104.
                         123 CONTINUED: (2) 123
                         
                          DALE
                          (SOFTLY)
           We didn't know it was your
           birthday.
                         
           Harken has crossed to a drawer and taken out a small
           safe. He begins turning the combination lock.
                         
                          NICK
           What are you doing? What's in
           that?
                         
                          HARKEN
           My gun. Just give me a second.
                         
           Nick and Dale exchange a look, then quickly rush out of
           the room.
                         
                         
          124 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 124
                         
           looking thoroughly freaked out, Nick and Dale push their
           way through the partygoers.
                         
                          NICK
           We had him! We had the whole
           thing. What happened to Kurt?
                         
           Just then, the door to a guest bathroom opens and Kurt
           emerges, buckling his belt and looking strangely red in
           the face.
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, hey.
                         
                          NICK
           `Hey'?! Where were you?!
                         
                          KURT
           Uh, I had to go to the bathroom.
           Bad salmon puff. Are we ready to
           record Harken?
                         
                          NICK
           You're too late, Kurt! He
           confessed the whole damn thing!
                         
                          DALE
           More than once! Then he told us
           we were dead men! He's getting
           his gun right now!
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, man, I'm so sorry. I fucked
           up.
                          (CONTINUED)
           105.
                         124 CONTINUED: 124
                         
                          NICK
           Yeah, you --
                         
           Suddenly, the bathroom door opens again and out steps
           Mrs. Harken, also looking disheveled. She adjusts her
           dress then rejoins the party.
                         
                          NICK
           (realizing what Kurt
                          WAS DOING)
           You dick!
                         
           Overcome with rage, Nick PUNCHES Kurt in the arm then
           rushes to the door. Dale and Kurt hurry after him.
                         
                         
          125 ANGLE ON HARKEN 125
                         
           seeing them go. With a grim look, he calmly heads to the
           garage.
                         
                         
          126 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 126
                         
           Nick sits steaming mad as Kurt drives. Dan fiddles with
           the tape recorder in the back.
                         
                          KURT
           Look, I wasn't thinking. She's so
           hot and I'm so weak. I'm a weak,
           weak man. I admit it.
                         
           From the back seat, we hear from the tape recorder:
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           In here? But all those people are
           right outside.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
           I know. That makes it even
           hotter.
                         
           We hear unbuckling and unzipping.
                         
           MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
           Your balls are so smooth.
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           I wax them.
                         
                          DALE
           Is there anything you don't wax?
                         
           Kurt shrugs. We hear some WET, SMACKING SOUNDS.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           106.
                         126 CONTINUED: 126
                         
                          NICK
           Ugh. Turn it off, Dale!
                         
           KURT (V.O.)
           Oh yeah... oh shit!
                         
           MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
           Whoops. That was fast...
                         
                          KURT
                          (QUICKLY)
           Yeah, Dale, turn that off!
                         
                         
          127 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 127
                         
           A short distance behind a car is following Kurt's. As it
           comes closer we see it's a Porsche. And it's driven by a
           determined-looking Harken.
                         
                         
          128 EXT. KURT'S APARTMENT - SHORT TIME LATER 128
                         
           Kurt's car turns the corner and stops short.
                         
                         
          129 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 129
                         
           From the guys' POV we see an unmarked car and a police
           squad car parked outside of Kurt's place. Hagan and
           Samson stand with two UNIFORMED OFFICERS.
                         
           KURT (O.S.)
           Holy shit! They must have found
           my DNA.
                         
           NICK (O.S.)
           Turn around! Get us out of here!
                         
                         
          130 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 130
                         
           Kurt quickly does a U-turn and ZOOMS off in the direction
           they came, inadvertently SPEEDING through a red light.
           We see a traffic camera FLASH.
                         
                         
          131 INSERT - A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPH 131
                         
           clearly showing the three guys, their faces distorted
           with panic.
           107.
                         
                         
          132 INT. KURT'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 132
                         
                          KURT
           Okay, it's clear that none of us
           can go home again. Probably ever.
                         
                          DALE
           What?!
                         
                          KURT
           I'm sure they have cops at all our
           places. I think our best bet is
           to get out of the country.
                         
                          NICK
           Where are we going to go?
                         
                          KURT
           Mexico?
                         
                          DALE
           Everyone flees to Mexico. That's
           the first place they'll look.
                         
                          KURT
           You're right. What about Asia?
           We could become kick boxers.
                         
                          NICK
           What the fuck are you talking
           about?
                         
                          KURT
           What if our entire lives have been
           leading up to this moment? What
           if we were destined from the very
           beginning to become Asian kick
           boxers?
                         
                          NICK
           What if I was destined to smack
           you right in the face?
                         
                          KURT
           That seems like a lesser destiny.
                         
           SFX: Dale's cell phone rings.
                         
                          DALE
                          (ANSWERING PHONE)
           Hello?
                         
                          INTERCUT WITH:
           108.
                         
                         
          133 INT. JULIA'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 133
                         
           Julia lies in a bubble bath, a glass of wine on the edge
           of the tub.
                         
                          JULIA
           Hello, lover.
                         
                          DALE
           Oh God. Look, Julia, I can't talk
           right now --
                         
           Kurt reacts at hearing it's Julia. He makes an "I'm not
           here" gesture.
                         
                          JULIA
           No worries, baby. I actually
           meant to call your home phone.
           You know, to tell Stacy about us.
                         
                          DALE
           No! Wait!
                         
                          JULIA
           I think I've waited long enough.
           I'm tired of you playing with my
           emotions.
                         
                          DALE
           I'm not playing. I'm going to do
           it. I swear!
                         
                          JULIA
           This Friday. At the office.
                         
                          DALE
           Fine!
                         
                          JULIA
           Wait. What are you going to do to
           me?
                         
                          DALE
           I'm going to... have sex with you.
                         
                          JULIA
           Details! And be explicit.
                         
                          DALE
           Right now? You want me to say it?
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, shit. We've got company.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           109.
                         133 CONTINUED: 133
                         
           He points out the back window and the guys react as they
           see Harken driving directly on their tail.
                         
                          NICK
           It's Harken! Lose him!
                         
                          KURT
           Lose him? Sure, Nick. His 500
           horsepower is no match for my 150.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (ON PHONE)
           Say it!
                         
                          DALE
                          (BLURTING OUT)
           I'm gonna put my penis in your
           pussy!
                         
           Despite the danger, Kurt and Nick turn curiously to look
           at Dale.
                         
                          JULIA
           Oh, come on, Casanova. You can do
           better than that.
                         
                          DALE
                          (WITH DIFFICULTY)
           I'm gonna make you feel good.
           With my tongue... and my fingers.
           And whatnot.
                         
           Just then, Harken speeds up and SLAMS into the tail of
           Kurt's car. Kurt struggles to stay on the road.
                         
                          NICK
           Jesus Christ, this guy's nuts!
                         
                          JULIA
           You going to slap me with your
           cock, Dale?
                         
                          DALE
           Yes! Yes! I'm going to beat your
           face with my cock!
                         
                          JULIA
           More!
                         
           BANG! Harken again HITS Kurt's car from behind. A tail
           light shatters.
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           110.
                         133 CONTINUED: (2) 133
                         
                          DALE
                          (FRANTIC)
           I'm gonna put my balls in your
           hair! I'm gonna spit on your
           arms!
                         
           Kurt and Nick exchange a baffled look.
                         
                          JULIA
           See you Friday, you dirty bird.
                         
           Julia hangs up. Dale looks like he's been violated.
                         
                          DALE
           Nice job `fucking the crazy out of
           her,' Kurt!
                         
                          KURT
           Maybe I should've spit on her
           arms.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           Good evening, Mr. Gamble.
                         
           The three of them JUMP, startled by the sudden voice in
           the car with them.
                         
                          KURT
           What the hell?
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           This is Gregory, your On Star rep.
           Our on-board sensors report that
           you have a damaged tail light.
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah, thanks, Gregory, we know.
           We're being chased by a crazy man
           and he just smashed into us!
                         
           Kurt looks in the rearview mirror and sees Harken is
           still behind them. As his car reaches an intersection,
           Kurt swerves at the last second and takes a hard left.
           Harken overshoots the turn.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           Oh dear. I will alert the local
           police authorities and direct them
           to your location.
                         
                          NICK
           No, wait! Don't call the police!
           They're already after us.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           111.
                         133 CONTINUED: (3) 133
                         
                          DALE
           They think we murdered someone.
                         
           Suddenly, Kurt's engine dies and the car comes to a
           gradual stop.
                         
                          NICK
           Why are you slowing down?!
                         
                          KURT
           I'm not! The engine died!
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           I have remotely disabled your
           engine.
                         
                          KURT
           Why would you do that, Gregory?!
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           It's a standard On Star safety
           protocol when we believe a driver
           has committed a crime.
                         
                          KURT
           I pay nineteen bucks a month for
           this fucking service!
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           Please stay with your vehicle.
           The police should arrive shortly.
                         
                          DALE
           I thought you were our friend,
           Gregory!
                         
           There's a sound of screeching tires and Harken's Porsche
           ZOOMS up behind them.
                         
                          NICK
           He's not stopping!
                         
                          KURT
           Oh, shit!
                         
                         
          134 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 134
                         
           Harken's car PLOWS into the rear of Kurt's, forcing it
           into the back of a parked car. Even if the engine was
           working, there'd be nowhere to go now.
                         
           Dazed from the impact, the guys look back to see Harken
           slowly approaching on foot, holding a gun in his hand.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           112.
                         134 CONTINUED: 134
                         
                          DALE
           Shit, shit, shit...
                         
           Harken taps on Kurt's window with the barrel of the gun.
           Kurt lowers the window.
                         
                          KURT
           I'm guessing you don't want to
                          EXCHANGE INSURANCE
           information -- ?
                         
                          HARKEN
           Out of the car. All of you.
                         
           The three guys nervously exit the car and face Harken who
           points the gun at them.
                         
                          NICK
           Look, Mr. Harken --
                         
                          HARKEN
           Shut the fuck up! I've got six
           bullets in here. So if I want to,
           I can shoot each of you twice,
           just like I did that bastard,
           Pellit. But if I do that, I'll
           have to spend the rest of my life
           running from the law or rotting in
           jail.
                         
           Police sirens approaching.
                         
                          DALE
                          (NEAR TEARS)
           So, you're not gonna shoot us?
                         
                          HARKEN
           No. I have a better idea.
                         
           Harken turns the gun toward his own thigh and FIRES.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Unnnnhhhh!
                         
                          NICK
           What the -- ?!
                         
           As his leg bleeds, Harken wipes the gun off with his
           shirt, then suddenly tosses it to Dale.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Catch.
                         
           Startled, Dale catches the pistol with shaking hands.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           113.
                         134 CONTINUED: (2) 134
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (THROUGH GRITTED
                          TEETH)
           Now I can tell the cops that when
           I discovered you three killed
           Pellit, you tried to kill me to
           shut me up.
                         
                          KURT
           That's crazy!
                         
           Down the street, two squad cars turn the corner and speed
           toward them. Dale looks down at the gun in his hand and
           drops it.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Is it? Because I don't see a
           shred of evidence proving that I
           killed Pellit. It's like I've
           always told you, Nick. Life is a
           marathon and you can't win a
           marathon without putting a few
           Band-Aids on your nipples.
                         
           Nick deflates. The three guys realize Harken's won.
           Then, from the car's open window they hear:
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
           Did I mention that this
           conversation is being recorded?
                         
           Kurt, Nick and Dale exchange a look of shock and relief.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Who said that?
                         
                          KURT
                          (GRINNING)
           That's Gregory, our On Star rep.
                         
           ON STAR REP (V.O.)
                          (PROUDLY)
           My name is Atmanand!
                         
           Harken's face falls. He looks around nervously as the
           police cars come to a halt.
                         
                          HARKEN
           You can't -- this isn't --
                         
           And with that, Harken BOLTS AWAY as fast as his injured
           leg will take him. It's not very fast. The guys watch
           him for a beat as they share a joyful, exhausted moment
           together.
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           114.
                         134 CONTINUED: (3) 134
                         
                          NICK
           I think this is gonna work out
           okay for us.
                         
                          KURT
           I told you.
                         
                          DALE
                          (RE: HARKEN)
           Should we stop him?
                         
                          KURT
           Probably.
                         
                          NICK
           I've got this.
           (looking to heaven)
           This is for you, Gam Gam.
                         
           Nick sprints off after his hobbling boss and in SLOW
           MOTION, violently TACKLES Harken to the pavement. Harken
           goes down hard, his face SLAMMING against the asphalt.
                         
           As the COPS hurry toward them, Nick kneels on the back of
           Harken's neck, pinning him.
                         
                          HARKEN
           Get the fuck off me!
                         
           Kurt steps up and kneels beside the battered figure.
                         
                          KURT
                          (GENTLY)
           Hey, Harken, one last thing?
                         
                          HARKEN
                          (BARKING)
           What?!
                         
                          KURT
           Your wife gives great head.
                         
           Harken struggles wildly but he's helpless.
                         
           CUT TO BLACK.
                         
                         
                         
                          FADE IN:
                         
          135 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MORNING 135
                         
           SUPERIMPOSE: ONE WEEK LATER
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           115.
                         135 CONTINUED: 135
                         
           The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. It's a bright,
           new day as Kurt heads into the building.
                         
                         
          136 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 136
                         
           Kurt enters and looks over at what was Pellit's office.
           He smiles when he sees Margie, the pregnant employee, now
           running the company. He heads over.
                         
                         
          137 INT. MARGIE'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 137
                         
           Kurt knocks on the doorframe and enters.
                         
                          MARGIE
           Oh, hey, Kurt. Come in.
                         
                          KURT
           Thanks, Margie. I just wanted to
           congratulate you on taking over
           Bobby's job.
                         
                          MARGIE
           Thank you. Terrible what happened
           to him.
                         
                          KURT
           Yeah. Tough month for the Pellit
           family. Anyway, if there's
           anything I can do to help out
           before the baby gets here, please
           let me know.
                         
                          MARGIE
                          (CONFUSED)
           What baby?
                         
                          KURT
           Your baby.
                         
                          MARGIE
           (beat, offended)
           I'm not pregnant.
                         
                          KURT
                          (CHUCKLING)
           Yeah, right. Look at that big
           belly.
                         
           Kurt pats her belly. Margie now looks genuinely pissed
           off.
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           116.
                         137 CONTINUED: 137
                         
                          MARGIE
           I'm aware that I have a weight
           problem, Kurt. It just happens to
           manifest itself in my lower
           abdomen.
                         
                          KURT
           I... oh, my God. I'm really
           sorry, Margie --
                         
           He falls silent under Margie's death stare.
                         
                          MARGIE
                          (COLDLY)
           Kurt, I know you were a favorite
           of Jack's. He was willing to
           overlook your inappropriate
           behavior with female clients and
           service people. But you should be
           aware, I'm not Jack. And I have
           very little tolerance for the
           mistreatment of women. So
           consider this your first strike.
                         
                          KURT
           How was I supposed to know you
           were just fat --
                         
                          MARGIE
           Strike two.
                         
           Kurt opens his mouth to say something but thinks better
           of it. He stands up and slumps out. Life as he knew it
           at Pellit Chemicals is clearly over.
                         
                         
          138 INT. DENTAL EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY 138
                         
           Julia enters to find Dale waiting for her. A PATIENT
           lies asleep in the chair, his face obscured by the
           nitrous mask.
                         
                          JULIA
           Thank God it's Friday, right,
           Dale?
                         
                          DALE
                          (RESIGNED)
           Yeah.
                         
                          JULIA
           Let's drill this patient and then
           you can drill me.
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           117.
                         138 CONTINUED: 138
                         
                          DALE
           Could we do it on top of the
           patient? I like the element of
           danger.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (IMPRESSED)
           You continue to surprise me, you
           weird little man.
                         
           Julia quickly undoes the patient's belt and yanks his
           pants down.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (TO DALE)
           You like that? This getting you
           hot?
                         
                          DALE
           Oh, yeah.
                         
           Julia begins handling the patient's implied genitals
           which are obscured by a tray of tools.
                         
                          JULIA
           (in a puppet voice)
           `I wish I was Dale's weenie so I
           could have sex with Julia.'
                         
           Suddenly, the patient bursts out LAUGHING and sits up.
                         
                          JULIA
           What the hell?!
                         
           The patient pulls off his nitrous mask to reveal it's
           KENNY, the guys' former classmate from the bar.
                         
                          KENNY
                          (LAUGHING)
           Sorry, Dale. I couldn't keep it
           together anymore --
                         
                          JULIA
           What is this?
                         
                          DALE
           Julia, meet my old high school
           friend, Kenny.
                         
                          KENNY
           How do you do?
                         
                         
                         
                         
                          (CONTINUED)
           118.
                         138 CONTINUED: (2) 138
                         
                          DALE
           Kenny will do just about anything
           for fifty bucks and that's why I
           hired him to help me frame you.
           Your days of sexually assaulting
           me and your patients are over.
                         
                          JULIA
                          (LAUGHS DERISIVELY)
           Seriously? This is all you've
           got? Your word against mine? I'm
           a highly respected professional
           and you're two losers.
                         
                          DALE
           Three losers.
                         
           Dale points to the window where Julia sees COCKSUCKER
           JONES outside holding up a video camera. He waves to
           her.
                         
                          JULIA
           You little bastard --
                         
                          DALE
           Shut up, Julia. Now, my fiancee
           and I are going to take a very
           expensive two week vacation which
           you're going to pay for. And then
           I'm going to come back to a rape-
           free workplace. Because if you so
           much as look at my ass, I'll have
           yours locked up.
                         
           With a bounce in his step, Dale strides out of the room.
           There's an awkward beat with Kenny and Julia.
                         
                          KENNY
           I don't suppose you could take a
           look at this molar --
                         
                          JULIA
                          (SCREAMING)
           OUT! GET OUT!
                         
           Kenny scampers out, pulling up his pants as he goes.
                         
                         
          139 INT. NICK'S OFFICE (FORMERLY HARKEN'S) - DAY 139
                         
           Nick is in his new office as a young employee, CARTER,
           20's, pops his head in.
                         
                          CARTER
           You wanted to see me, Mr. Waters?
                          (CONTINUED)
           119.
                         139 CONTINUED: 139
                         
                          NICK
           Hi, Carter. Just wanted to check
           if you had a chance to finish
           those regional sales projections
           yet?
                         
                          CARTER
           Oh, I think I may need another
           day.
                         
                          NICK
           Okay. I was hoping to give them
           to the marketing guys today, but I
           can hold them off.
                          (FRIENDLY)
           In the future, it'd be great if
           you could tell me if you're going
           to miss a deadline.
                         
           Carter's eyes narrow. All at once, he rushes at Nick,
           grabs him by the throat and HURLS him THROUGH THE PLATE
           GLASS WINDOW, shattering it.
                         
                         
          140 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS ACTION 140
                         
           Nick plummets forty feet and lands with a SICKENING
           CRUNCH directly onto his own car. Just behind him we see
           a parking plaque that reads "Nick Waters, Senior VP of
           Sales."
                         
           SMASH CUT TO:
                         
                         
          141 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 141
                         
           Carter stands opposite Nick as before.
                         
                          CARTER
           Sure. No problem, Mr. Waters.
                         
                          NICK
           Thanks, buddy.
                         
           Nick smiles and closes the door behind Carter. He
           settles into his comfy chair and puts his feet up on the
           desk.
                         
                          NICK
           It's good to be the boss.
                         
           CUT TO BLACK.
                         
                         
                          THE END