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In The Loop Movie Script

Writer(s) : Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche

Genres : Comedy

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                             IN THE LOOP



                              Written by

                    Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell,

                      Armando Iannucci & Tony Roche


                  


1   EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET LONDON - MORNING                     1

    MALCOLM TUCKERS, government director of communications,
    is arriving early.


2   INT. NUMBER TEN CORRIDOR/MALCOLM'S OFFICE - MORNING         2

    A CIVIL SERVANT hands Malcolm a CD.

                           CIVIL SERVANT
              Monitoring. All the usual.

                           MALCOLM
              How did your team do at the weekend?

                           CIVIL SERVANT
              Yeah, alright. We won.

                            MALCOLM
              Great.
                     (to himself)
              Wanker.

    Malcolm reaches his office. His assistant SAM is there.

                           MALCOLM (CONT'D)
              Sam. Morning.

    He hands her the CD and she puts it into a CD player.

                           MALCOLM (CONT'D)
              Well, pop pickers....what Shall we start
              with today? Wonky Ron....or Simon Foster,
              on the PM programme for the BBC.
    Malcolm starts listening to the recording of Simon on the
    radio.

                           EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
              Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, the
              Minister for International development.
              Thank you for joining us.

                            MALCOLM
              Here we go.

                           EDDIE MAIR
              You've been in the job now for eighteen
              months, do you think you're making
              headway?

                           SIMON
                     (v/o on radio)
              Ah. Yes I do. You'd expect me to say that
              I suppose.


                                                     Page 1

                     




3   INT. DIFED OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY                             3

    Judy Malloy, the Department's Press Officer, is preparing
    for her minister's arrival.

                           JUDY
              Mark, are you co-ordinating that
              millenium goals press release?

                             MARK
              Yes.

                           JUDY
              Well co-ordinate it better.

                             MARK
              Yes, can do.

                           JUDY
              Is that the Minister? Bloody nail - has
              anyone got a nail file?


4   INT. DFID OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY.                             4

    SIMON is arriving with JUDY. Simon carrying his red
    dispatch box. Simon's worried.

                           SIMON
              Have we heard anything from Malcolm about
              last night's interview?

                             JUDY
              No not yet.
                           SIMON
              Perhaps he didn't hear it.

                           JUDY
              Or maybe he's dead.

                            SIMON
                     (with a degree of genuine
                      hope)
              He might be dead. He might have had that
              massive stroke we've all been waiting
              for. It's in the post.


5   INT. MALCOLM'S OFFICE. DAY.                                  5

                           SIMON (ON RADIO)
              ...preventable sickness in many of the
              poorest countries round the world....and
              Of course the big one is diarrhoea, which
              is a major, major issue....
                                                       Page 2

                          
5   CON TINUE D:                                                      5


                                MALCOLM
                   Diarrhoea? I mean, this is the minister
                   for International Development. He should
                   be talking about food parcels, not
                   fucking arse-spraying mayhem.

    SAM laughs.

                                SIMON (ON RADIO)
                   And so if we can tackle the easy things,
                   like diarrhoea, then we can.....

                                MALCOLM
                   Oh yes, say it again. Very good. What is
                   this, The Shitting Forecast?

                                SIMON (ON RADIO)
                   ...and then hopefully that will strike
                   another blow in the war against
                   preventable diseases.
                                EDDIE MAIR
                   You mentioned the word `war"

    MALCOLM is paying extremely close attention now.

                                MALCOLM
                   Steady Eddie...

                                SIMON (ON RADIO)
                   Against preventable diseases, yes....

                                EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
                   Yes. All the evidence now points to a US
                   military intervention in the Middle East.
                   Is that you view?

                                SIMON (ON RADIO)
                   Well....personally, I think that war is
                   unforseeable.

                                  MALCOLM
                   Sam! Sam!

                                EDDIE MAIR (ON RADIO)
                   Unforseeable?

                                  SIMON (ON RADIO)
                   Yes.

                                MALCOLM
                   NO YOU DO NOT THINK THAT! Sam! I'm going
                   to have to go over to International
                   Development, and pull Simon Foster's
                   fucking hair.


                                                            Page 3

                     




6   EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET LONDON. DAY.                          6

    MALCOLM emerges into the street. On the phone.

                           MALCOLM
              He did not say "unforseeable'. You may
              have heard him say it, but he did not say
              that, and that is a fact.


7   INT. DFI OPEN PLAN OFFICE. DAY.                              7

                           JUDY
              He'll want you to row back from the
              `unforeseeable' thing on Question Time
              tonight.

                           SIMON
              On Question Time, you know the funny
              question they always ask at the end?

                             JUDY
              Yes?

                           SIMON
              I think we should prep that now. I'd like
              to shine on the funny question, cos I'm a
              funny guy. With a light touch.

    SIMON deposits his briafcase. Judy finds some clippings,
    returns.

                           JUDY
              There's this guy, he's a property tycoon.
              He's bought a South Sea Island. It might
              be something like that, you know. "If you
              had to spend the rest of your life on a
              desert island, who would it be with?"

                           SIMON
              Ah. Well, I can't say my wife, because I
              haven't got one, and I can't say my
              girlfriend, because I haven't got one of
              those either.

                           JUDY
              And don't say Mandela, that's...

                           SIMON
              No. Boring. And a bloke.

                           JUDY
              Or Keira Knightley.

                           SIMON
              Well, that's a good idea.
                                                       Page 4

                         
7   CON TINUE D:                                                     7


                                JUDY
                   Pervert. Sex. Minister.

                                SIMON
                   I don't think so.

                                JUDY
                   People don't want to know.


8   EXT. STREET NEAR WHITEHALL. DAY.                                 8

    Toby and Suzy walking to work together.

                                SUZY
                   Did you take the washing out of the
                   machine?

                                 TOBY
                   No.
                                SUZY
                   What do you mean, no?

                                TOBY
                   No. I didn't take the washing out of the
                   machine.

                                SUZY
                   It's going to go really stale.

                                TOBY
                   It'll be fine.

                                SUZY
                   It's not fine. By the time...

                                TOBY
                   It is fine. I'll wear stale pants.

                                SUZY
                   I don't want to go out with some who
                   wears stale pants.

                                TOBY
                   Well, there we go. I could go commando,
                   but I don't think that's acceptable in
                   government.

                                SUZY
                          (Disgusted)
                   Please. So: got everything you need for
                   your first day in International
                   Development?



                                                           Page 5

                       
8   CON TINUE D:                                                     8


                                TOBY
                   Oh Yes. It's all here. My massive
                   intellect. And an apple for Simon Foster.

                                SUZY
                   Simon Fluster.

                                TOBY
                   Don't say that, I'm rebranding him.

                                SUZY
                   Well he was crap on the radio last night.
                   He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up
                   its arse.

                                TOBY
                   Well I'm going to sort that out. After a
                   week I'll have him sounding like a
                   chicken without a wasp up its arse.
                                SUZY
                   Have a good day, good luck honey.

                                TOBY
                   Have a good day at the Foreign Office.
                   Try not to annoy Russia.

                                SUZY
                   I'll give you a call later. Keep your
                   phone on. Bye.

                                TOBY
                   Yeah, alright.

                                SUZY
                   Oh and be careful - cars!

    They walk off in separate directions.


9   MORNING/INT. MICHAEL'S FO OFFICE - MORNING                        9

    Toby is walking towards DFID. As he nears the building he
    finds himself next to Malcolm, who is heading in too.
    Toby is on the phone.

                                               INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

                                TOBY
                   Are you going to keep ringing me up every
                   two minutes, because you're starting to
                   remind me of my mum. And that could lead
                   to all sorts of erectile dysfunction.

    Suzy is still in the FO office.


                                                            Page 6

                       
9   CON TINUE D:                                                     9


                                SUZY
                   I'm just checking whether you put last
                   night's lasagne in the fridge.

    In the FO office, MICHAEL arrives. He has a small
    suitcase and a paper bag. He holds this up.

                                MICHAEL
                          (mouthing)
                   Croissants!

    Back with Malcolm, Toby close by. Malc's on the phone.

                                MALCOLM
                   No. You're fine to go ahead and print
                   that. It's lies, you'd be lying, but go
                   ahead. He did not say unforeseeable. No
                   he did not. Oh, just before you go --
                   when I tell your wife about you and
                   Angela Heaney at the Blackpool
                   conference...would email be better? Or a
                   phone call? Or, hey I know, I'll write it
                   on a cake, "Your hack husband betrayed
                   you on the 4th of October, and
                   congratulations on the new baby" in those
                   little silver balls. (BEAT) Yeah, maybe
                   best to spike it? Okay. Fuckity-bye!

    Toby is now next to Malcolm in the building (or better
    still, in a lift). Malcolm becomes aware of him.

                                TOBY
                   No, it's fine, it's in the fridge. I put
                   some clingfilm over it.
    In the FO office, Michael switches on some classical
    music.

                                SUZY
                   Why did you put clingfilm on it?

                                TOBY
                   To keep it fresh.

    Malcolm starts dialling on his phone.

                                SUZY
                   It's in the fridge, that'll keep it
                   fresh.

                                TOBY
                   No, but it still might dry out.

                                MALCOLM
                          (into phone)
                   Yeah, Malcolm Tucker. Can I speak to
                   James Lewis at the PM Programme please?
                                                            Page 7

                     
9    CON TINUE D: (2)                                            9


     Michael hands Suzie a croissant.

                            MICHAEL
                      (knowing Toby is on the other
                       end of the line)
               Still slightly warm. That's how I like
               my women as well.

                            SUZY
               Clingfilm is carcinogenic, Toby.

                            TOBY
               No it isn't. That's a myth. Clingfilm is
               perfectly safe.

     Malcolm now eyeing Toby with suspicion/contempt -- who is
     this dick? Toby tries to smile, lowers his voice,
     embarrassed.

                            MALCOLM
                      (into phone)
               No, I'll hold,. what's he waiting for?     A
               sex-change?

                            TOBY
               They wouldn't sell clingfilm if it gave
               you cancer. Clingfilm doesn't give you
               cancer. And Lasagne doesn't give you
               syphillis.

                            MALCOLM
               James! Right --Simon Foster? Yeah, very
               funny, the Diarrhoea of a Nobody. Listen,
               we get an easy ride on Tom tomorrow, OK?
               (getting annoyed) No, YOU relax. Tell
               you what, I'll come over a lock you in a
               flotation tank and pump it full of sewage
               until you drown. GET ME FUCKING BRIAN!

     TITLE - IN THE LOOP


10   INT. SIMON'S OFFICE - DAY.                                  10

     Simon and Judy are still prepping the funny question. ..

                            SIMON
               Paris Hilton?

                            JUDY
               Are you serious?

                             SIMON
               Lily Allen.

                            JUDY
               No. No women.
                                                        Page 8

                        
10   CON TINUE D:                                                     10


                                 SIMON
                    The Olson twins?

     Judy gets a call.

                                 JUDY
                    Hi. Right. I see.

     She rings off.

                                  SIMON
                            (sensing something's up)
                    What?

                                 JUDY
                    Malcolm's coming to see you.

                                 SIMON
                    Shit. He's still alive. When's he due?
     Malcolm walks in with Toby sheepishly behind him.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Now. And don't say you weren't prepared
                    because I rang ahead.
                           (To JUDY)
                    Give us a minute, will you love?

     Judy gets up as Malcolm turns back to SIMON

                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                    In the words of the late, great Nat King
                    Fucking Cole, `Unforeseeable, that's what
                    you are..'

11   INT. DFI OPEN PLAN OFFICE                                        11

     JUDY has spotted TOBY.

                                 JUDY
                    So you're...whatever your name is, Dan,
                    the new advisor? Daniel.

                                  TOBY
                    Toby.

                                 JUDY
                    Right. Just most of you lot tend to be
                    called Dan, or Danny, so it's always
                    worth a punt. OK, hello. As you know, I'm
                    Judy Molloy, Civil Service Director of
                    Communications for International
                    Development.

     They shake hands.

                                                             Page 9

                        
11   CON TINUE D:                                                   11


                                 TOBY
                    Is this a normal morning, or...?

     Judy's not got time for questions.

                                 JUDY
                    Okay, I've got a meeting in
                           (looks at watch)
                    two minutes. And the minister was
                    rubbish in last night's interview.

                                TOBY
                    Rubbish?

                                 JUDY
                    It's a technical term. It means he went
                    on the radio and everyone could hear that
                    he was rubbish.

     Someone goes into Simon's office. As door opens we hear
     heated conversation between Simon and Malcolm.

                                 MALCOLM [IN OFFICE]
                    You sounded like a panicky chimp trapped
                    in a washing machine.


12   INT. DFID SIMON'S OFFICE. DAY.                                 12

     Back inside Simon's office.

                                 SIMON
                    Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for a
                    personal opinion.
                                 MALCOLM
                    Oh why didn't you say? I mean, he asked
                    you. Fuck. Of course, that explains it.
                    Yeah. Say, if he'd asked you to fucking
                    black up, or give him your PIN number, or
                    shot yourself, would you have done that
                    as well.

                                 SIMON
                    I would have blacked up. It was the radio
                    and no-one would have known.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Yeah. Very good.

                                 SIMON
                    But war is -- basically unforeseeable
                    isn't it?

                                 MALCOLM
                    That is not our line, alright? Walk the
                    fucking line. Look.
                                 (MOR E)
                                                          Page 10

                        
12   CON TINUE D:                                                     12
                                 MAL COLM (CONT'D)
                    We've got Karen Clark over from
                    Washington, okay? We've got the US
                    National Security Advisor's main guy
                    coming. Yeah? We've got enough Pentagon
                    goons here for a fucking coup d'etat.
                    This is not the time to send out a signal
                    like this in some personal fucking
                    sodcast.

     JUDY and TOBY come in.

                                 JUDY
                    Minister, this is Toby.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Not the time love. Fuck off.

     JUDY smiles at MALCOLM, and doesn't fuck off.

                                 SIMON
                    Hey Toby. Glad you could join us. Bit of
                    an odd morning, but 'Welcome to the
                    madhouse!'I apologise for Malcolm.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Don't apologise for me. You should
                    apologise for yourself.
                           (to Judy)
                    Did I not just tell you to fuck off and
                    yet you're still here?

                                 JUDY
                    That's correct.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (to Toby)
                    Hey, foetus boy. Lesson One: If I tell
                    you to fuck off what do you do?

                                TOBY
                    Fuck off?

                                 MALCOLM
                    You'll go far.Now fuck off.

                                TOBY
                    Right.

     Toby fucks off. We can see him outside, wandering around,
     not knowing what to do with himself.

                                 SIMON
                    We were thinking, weren't we Judy, that I
                    could row back on Question Time tonight.

                                 MALCOLM
                    No, You're not going on Question Time
                    tonight. You've been disinvited.
                                                            Page 11

                     
12   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          12


                            SIMON
               Why? We've been prepping Question Time.

                            MALCOLM
               Because they ask fucking questions on
               Question Time. And you're no good at
               questions. If it was Fumbling, Off-
               Message Shit Fucking Answer Time, you'd
               be our main guy. But it's not.

                            JUDY
               Sorry, why wasn't I told about this?

                            MALCOLM
               Why should I tell you about this?

                            JUDY
               Because it's a scheduled media appearance
               by this department's Secretary Of State
               and it therefore falls within my
               purview...

                            MALCOLM
               Your purview? Where do you think you are
               sweetheart, in some Regency costume
               drama? This is a government department,
               not a fucking Jane Austen novel. Allow me
               to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your
               purview and ram it up the shitter with a
               lubricated horse cock.

                            JUDY
               Malcolm, your swearing doesn't impress
               me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets
               and believe me, those kids make you sound
               like Angela Lansbury.

                            MALCOLM
                      (to Simon, lads' chat)
               She's married? The poor bastard.

                            SIMON
               But...okay, Judy's lubricated horse cock
               aside for one moment....
                      (Judy walks out)
               Are you saying that I'm now not allowed
               to make any media appearances?

                            MALCOLM
               No, not until we can trust you to keep to
               the line.

                            SIMON
               But I was going to keep to the line: "I
               don't actually think war is
               unforeseeable."

                                                      Page 12

                     
12   CON TINUE D: (3)                                          12


     Malcolm's looking out of the office, monitoring Judy's
     movements. She's flashed up on his radar. He's tracking
     her.

                            MALCOLM
               What is it then?

     A beat.

                            SIMON
               Is it...I don't know? Foreseeable? No.

                            MALCOLM
               No. Not foreseeable. That's fucking
               declaring war. Do you want to fucking
               declare war?

                            SIMON
               I'm a cabinet minister. I didn't get here
               by screwing up every media appearance I
               ever had.

                            MALCOLM
               Write this down. It's neither forseeable
               nor undorseeable.

                            SIMON
               Right. So not inevitable, but
               not...evitable.

     Malcolm leaves the office. Toby is still hovering.

                            MALCOLM
                      (calling back to Simon)
               Okay, you need to work on this fucking
               line.
                      (to Judy)
               That includes you, Jane Fucking Austen
               with the strap-on. Oh, and put the sniff
               out there that the next time the BBC
               ambushes a Minister with a war question
               we'll drop a bomb on them.

                            JUDY
               I can't do that. That's political, that's
               not in my...

                            MALCOLM
               Purview, Marie Antoinette? Weel listen,
               darling, why don't you fucking scuttle
               off back to fucking Cranford and play
               around with your tea and cake and horse
               cocks. Let them eat cock! (TO TOBY) You,
               Ron Weasley -- you do it.

     Malcolm heads out.

                                                       Page 13

                   




13   INT. FO MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY                              13

     Suzy and Michael in Michael's office. Suzy's getting
     documents together for the big meeting. Michael's at his
     computer, on the phone. Classical music still on.

                            MICHAEL
                      (on phone)
               You needn't worry about the Canadians.
               They're just happy to be there. (Pause)
               Yes, well, they always look surprised
               when they're invited.

                            SUZY
               Listen, shall I just give Toby a quick
               call about the Simon Foster thing?

     Suzy dials.

14   INT. DFID/INT FOREIGN OFFICE MICHAELS OFFICE               14

     Toby checks the phone. Sees it's Suzy -- Christ, not her
     again, I'm a bit busy here. He answers.

                                          INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

                            TOBY
               Hiya. You do know this is the third time
               you've rung? Are you on a new tariff?

                            SUZY
               So? How's it going? You found the bogs
               yet?
                            TOBY
               All a bit manic. It was never like this
               at Agriculture. People tend not to swear
               so much about wheat. Apart from farmers.
               They swear about everything.

                            SUZY
                      (to Michael, re. the music)
               Can you turn that down a bit?
                      (to Toby)
               Look, I've got a leg up for you. I think
               we could get Simon into the big meeting
               with Karen Clark?

                            TOBY
               Right - Karen Clark from...is that the
               woman who went round Britain in a coracle
               for leukemia?



                                                     Page 14

                        
14   CON TINUE D:                                                   14


                                 SUZY
                    Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of
                    State?

                                 TOBY
                    Oh right. Shit. Karen Clark. Wow. Thanks.

                                 SUZY
                    Hang on, Michael wants to say something.

                                MICHAEL
                    Meat.

                                SUZY
                    Meat.

                                 MICHAEL
                    Meat! Simon's only going to be meat in
                    the room. Don't get his hopes up.
                                 SUZY
                    Yeah, so you know -- Simon, between us,
                    he's just going to be meat in the room.

                                TOBY
                    Meat?

     Judy, nearby, hears this.

                                 SUZY
                           (waving him away)
                    Yeah. The Americans don't feel they're
                    getting a real meeting unless there's
                    thirty of you on each side. So Simon
                    is...you know those polystyrene peanut
                    things they use to pack electrical goods?
                    Sort of one of those. But you might not
                    want to tell him that. I ought to go. I
                    love you.

     Judy's hovering nearby.

                                 TOBY
                    Likewise. Affirmative on that.


15   INT. DFID - DAY / INT. SIMON'S OFFICE - DAY                    15

     Judy is hovering as Toby finishes his call.

                                 JUDY
                    So, quick tour.

     She starts walking away. Toby follows.

                                 TOBY
                    Um, I do just need to...
                                                          Page 15

                        
15   CON TINUE D:                                                   15


                                 JUDY
                    Over there...that's Mike's patch. Leave
                    Mike to it. He knows what he's doing.
                    Don't you Mike?

                                 MIKE
                    What?

                                 JUDY
                    Exactly.
                           (as they walk on)
                    He's an idiot. He organised 3,000 tents
                    and sanitation packs for Rwanda.

                                 TOBY
                    Right...is that not...?

                                 JUDY
                    They needed them in Luanda. Angola. It's
                    been in the news.
                           (checks phone)
                    And that's the end of the tour. I've got
                    to go.

                                 TOBY
                    Look, I understand your hostility to new
                    wood coming in..

                                 JUDY
                    There's a lot of really important people
                    you need to know about, but I haven't got
                    time.

     But she's gone. Toby heads over to Simon's office. The
     door's open. He pops his head in.
                                 TOBY
                    Hey, boss.

                                 SIMON
                    Toby, hi. Sorry about earlier -- Malcolm.
                    He's a bit of an...alpha male, isn't he?

                                 TOBY
                    Look, I've managed to get you into the
                    big meeting at the Foreign Office this
                    afternoon.

                                 SIMON
                    The Karen Clark meeting? Shit, really?
                    Sure. How did you...?

                                 TOBY
                    I did it through sheer bloody hard work.

     Judy walks past. Simon calls out.

                                                          Page 16

                     
15   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          15


                            SIMON
               Hey Judy.

     She comes in.

                            JUDY
               Hello?

                            SIMON
               Tobes here has got me into the big Karen
               Clark meeting.

     Judy looks at Toby. She heard the `meat' conversation.

                            JUDY
               Wow. Yeah, the Big Meet. How are you
               spelling that, by the way?

                            TOBY
               Two `e's.

16   EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE. DAY                                    16

     Simon, Toby and Judy drive along Whitehall in their car.

     An awkward silence.

     Judy looks at Toby. She knows Simon's just off to be
     meat.

                            TOBY
                      (off Judy's look)
               Just, maybe, might be best not to get too
               excited. It might be that their guys
               muscle in and have the lion's share of
               the talk time.

                            JUDY
               Yeah. It might be like that.

                            SIMON
               I think I can work a room, okay? I'm not
               a room virgin.


17   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE BUILDING. FOYER - DAY                   17

     Simon, Toby and Judy are going through security. Suzy and
     Michael come to meet them.

                            MICHAEL
               Simon.

                            SIMON
               Michael.

                                                      Page 17

                        
17   CON TINUE D:                                                   17


     A very young man approaches Michael. Looks like he is 19.
     He is CHAD.

                                 CHAD
                    Ah, Michael? I'm Chad.

                                MICHAEL
                    Hello?

                                 CHAD
                    We'd like a dual horse-shoe formation for
                    the meeting set-up - an enclave for Ms
                    Clark, an enclave for the Pentagon
                    delegation. First names acceptable to all
                    parties and politely we request the
                    presence of both carbonated and non-
                    carbonated waters.

                                SUZY
                    Right.
                                 CHAD
                    Thanks so much.

     He walks purposefully off.

                                 MICHAEL
                    My God. Who was that, Young Lankenstein?

                                 JUDY
                    Oh he'll be running something relatively
                    major. They're all kids in Washington.
                    It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real
                    guns.

18   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE GRAND MEETING ROOM      - DAY              18

     Chad's dual horse-shoe is packed with people. The room's
     pretty much full.

     KAREN CLARK from the State Department is surrounded by
     ten or so aides and functionaries, security people and
     assistants. (Including Chad and LIZA one of Karen's
     senior aides.) Then there is Bob Adriano's gang of
     advisors, smaller but sitting separately.

     Next to them is a Pentagon delegation, including
     uniformed members of all three services.

     Lots of hubbub.

     SUZY leads SIMON, TOBY and JUDY in, and shows them to
     their seats.



                                                          Page 18

                        
18   CON TINUE D:                                                   18


     They're as far away from the US delegation as it's
     possible to be, and Simon's seat is actually behind a
     pillar. Suzy goes off to join Michael and the Foreign
     Office delegation near the front. Suzy looks over to
     Toby, uses her hands to make mock binoculars, as if to
     say, 'you're very far away, look how close and therefore
     important I am'.

                                 SIMON
                    No-one will hear me if I say anything.
                    How's your view? Can we swap?

     Simon and Toby swap seats, but Simon can still barely see
     anything.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                           (to Judy)
                    Can I swap with you?

                                 JUDY
                    I think the meeting's starting.

     It is.

                                 SIMON
                    Well, quickly then, swap.

     Simon and Judy swap seats.

     The meeting is now underway. We're with Karen Clark.

                                 KAREN
                    We all agree this is a very tough time,
                    but I don't want a consensus to form
                    around the premise that conflict is
                    necessarily the primary option at this
                    point.

     Back with Simon, Judy and Toby. Simon still straining to
     see.

                                 SIMON
                    Are people thinking that? That's -- a bit
                    hardcore.

     He cranes again to see.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                    No, this is worse. Swap back.

     Simon and Judy swap seats again.

     Back with Karen. She's holding up a paper in a red
     folder.



                                                         Page 19

                     
18   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          18


                            KAREN
               This paper, authored by one of my aides,
               Liza Weld. You don't mind me fore-
               grounding this do you Liza?

     Liza reacts. Her paper? In a big meeting. Is this good or
     bad?

                            KAREN (CONT'D)
               Illuminates the logistical factors we
               face. She highlights a number of reasons
               why, in practical terms, we can't
               envision a theatre deployment for twelve
               months.

                            BOB ADRIANO
               Although not everyone might agree with
               the assumptions made in that paper.

                            KAREN
               Really - such as what?

                            BOB ADRIANO
               The committee feels a much quicker
               deployment is possible.

                            KAREN
               Which committee?

                            BOB ADRIANO
                      (covering)
               This has been discussed in a number of
               committees. If I said one committee...

                            KAREN
               You did.

                            ADRIANO
               Then that was a slip of the tongue

                            KAREN
               Have you accidentally alluded to some
               secret committee? A war committee?

                            MICHAEL
               If I can interject here, I'm aware we're
               pushed for time. I'd like to move us on
               agenda-wise. Our next item is
               international relief co-ordination.

     Karen is conferring with Liza, Adriano with his guy.

                            KAREN
               Have you heard of this committee?

                            ADRIANO
               What's this Liza Weld paper?
                                                       Page 20

                     
18   CON TINUE D: (3)                                          18


     Simon is watching, feeling the meeting is passing him by.

                            SIMON
                      (to Judy and Toby)
               Should I say something? She invited me, I
               should say something. If you don't say
               something in the first 10 minutes, you
               can end up not saying anything at all.

                            JUDY
               I don't know whether you should say
               anything.

                            SIMON
               I'm saying something ... I think I'm
               going to try saying something.

     Simon goes to put his hand up, Toby maybe puts a calming
     hand on his hand. They look at one another. Has Toby
     crossed a line?
                            KAREN
               Look - I just think it's worth noting
               that Ministers in The UK Government,
                      (Liza whispers - Simon's over
                       there)
               such as our colleague here ...

                            SIMON
                      (pleased)
               Is she talking about me?

                            KAREN
               Simon Foster ...
                            SIMON
               She's talking about me!

                            KAREN
               Has made it clear that for them currently
               war is unforeseeable. Isn't that right
               Simon?

                            SIMON
               Well, yes, I mean, that's what I said.
               And I stick to what I said.

     SIMON sits down. Them stands back up.

                            SIMON (CONT'D)
               But that doesn't mean that what I said
               won't ever change. It's not imutable. Or
               mutable. It's an ongoing ...




                                                       Page 21

                     
18   CON TINUE D: (4)                                          18


                            MICHAEL
                      (cutting in)
               I wonder if there aren't some area of
               mutual agreement we can't rattle through
               here and see how much time we have at the
               end for this discussion?

     He's ended the debate.

     Suzy comes round the back of the meeting all smiles and
     hands Judy a note with a smile.

                              JUDY
               Thanks.

     She opens the note it reads, `Simon is acting like a
     massive tit. Stop him.'

                            SUZY
               Is that all fine?
                            JUDY
               That's all fine. Thanks for that.

                              SUZY
               Thanks.

     Toby whispers something in Simon's ear. Simon doesn't
     look pleased. Karen is still talking to the meeting.
     Simon shuts up. He'll have this out later.


19   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE BALLROOM    - DAY                        19

     The big meeting is breaking up. Simon is annoyed, leading
     Judy and Toby out of the room and into any private space
     he can find - they back into a huge huge ballroom

                            SIMON
               Come here - we need to talk
                      (they go into the massive
                       room, look around)
               What do you mean stop being a `tit'? In
               what way was I being a tit? Why am I even
               over here if I'm not meant to say
               anything?

                            JUDY
               You were just meat in the room, Simon.

                            SIMON
               'Meat in the room'? Oh for fuck's sake
               Judy. I took an hour out to come over
               here and be room meat?



                                                        Page 22

                        
19   CON TINUE D:                                                     19


                                 TOBY
                    But you know you're a prime cut, you're
                    not - offal.

                                 SIMON
                    Great, I'm not liver. What was I, tit
                    meat?


20   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY                                  20

     We're with Karen Clark's delegation who have just walked
     downstairs from the meeting room into a ground floor
     lobby area. KAREN is talking to LIZA, her right-hand
     woman.

     TOBY, SIMON and JUDY are above them standing round a
     circular viewing area that looks down on the lobby.

     The UK and US delegations are aware of each other,
     throwing furtive glances each other's way.

                                 KAREN
                    Whichever committee they don't want me to
                    be a member of, I want to be a member of
                    that. It's a confused Groucho Marx.

                                   LIZA
                    Okay. Right.

     Chad arrives. Karen talks to someone else.

                                 CHAD
                    Hey Liza. Your paper got a major
                    citation. You must be psyched Karen
                    brought it up.

                                 LIZA
                    She...that was her call. I didn't know it
                    had been that widely read.

                                 CHAD
                    You could not write anything that clashes
                    more violently with the current climate
                    than you the one you wrote if you were
                    trying, and it almost seems like you were
                    trying.

                                 LIZA
                    I wasn't trying, believe me.

                                 CHAD
                    You are like the woman from The Omen,
                    you've given birth to a demon and it's
                    going to kill you.


                                                            Page 23

                           
20   CON TINUE D:                                                      20


                                 LIZA
                    You probably identify with the kid from
                    The Omen right?

                                   CHAD
                    Ooh.

                                 LIZA
                    See, you're an only child, aren't you?

                                 CHAD
                    You bring this up whenever you run out of
                    arguments. I don't see how my parents'
                    limited reproductive abilities reflects
                    badly on me. I'm the sperm that made it.

     Liza walks off, over to Karen.

                                 CHAD (CONT'D)
                    Have fun with your career kryptonite.

21   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY                                   21

                                 SIMON
                           (re : Karen talking
                            conspiratorially to Liza
                            downstairs)
                    What's that all about? It looks
                    important.


22   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY                                   22

     Karen is back, huddled up with Liza.
                                 KAREN
                    My teeth hurt. I think the veneers are
                    chipped. Do they look chipped?

     Liza stares into Karen's mouth.

                                 LIZA
                    Well, I think that one, that one's always
                    been there, right? I'm not sure. Have you
                    got any painkillers?

                                 KAREN
                    Oh, don't look at my teeth.


23   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE UPSTAIRS MEZZANINE - DAY                      23

                                   JUDY
                             (trying to earwig)
                    Sshhh!

                                                            Page 24

                   




24   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE LOBBY - DAY                             24

                            KAREN
                      (looking up at the Brits, off
                       Simon's smile)
               I don't want to risk a dentist here.


25   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE UPSTAIRS MEZZANINE - DAY                25

     The US delegation are heading off

                            TOBY
                      (shouting)
               Hey Liza!

                            LIZA
               Oh ... Hi ... hi?
     She knows him but can't immediately place him.

                            TOBY
               Toby? It's Toby.

                            LIZA
               Hi. Hi.

     She makes the phone sign. He gives a thumbs up, she
     thinks he's misread the phone sign and gestures, or email
     by doing typing in the air. Toby signs back, yeah, call
     on the phone or email - does the typing back.

                            JUDY
                      (re the typing gesture)
               What are you doing? You look like    you're
               practicing baby massage.

                            TOBY
               She did the Kennedy scholarship at my
               college. I had a small thing for her.

                            JUDY
               I can imagine.

                            TOBY
               I'm not sure she remembered me.

                            JUDY
               No, that is one of the side effects of
               Rohypnol.




                                                       Page 25

                   




26   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE. DAY.                                 26

                            KAREN
               Linton has set up a secret war committee,
               I just know it. I mean, Linton is an
               absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous.
               The voices in his head are now singing
               barbershop together.


27   EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY                                 27

     The conversation is continuing between Simon Judy and
     Toby as they exit the FO.

                            SIMON
               Yeah. Jesus. I really really hope there's
               not a war. It's going to be a nightmare.
               It's bad enough having to cope with the
               fucking Olympics.

     They appear outside. There's a press pack of 10 or so
     reporters and photographers there.

                            PRESS
               Minister!/Simon!/Mr Foster!

     Simon is taken aback.

                            SIMON
               Fuck. Who let the dogs out? We don't need
               this.

                            JUDY
               Er, you wanted a chance to row back on
               the war. Do you want to nail the line?

                            SIMON
               What? No. No. I'll freestyle it.

     The press are calling.

                            REPORTER 1
               Is war unforeseeable Minister?

                              SIMON
               Look,
                      (grappling now)
               ...loads of things that are actually very
               likely are also unforeseeable. Y'know,
               For the plane in the fog the mountain is
               unforeseeable, but then it, is suddenly
               very real and inevitable.

     Toby and Judy look at one another. This isn't good.

                                                     Page 26

                        
27   CON TINUE D:                                                   27


     The press pack are looking for more.

                                 REPORTER
                    Sorry, are you saying that...?

                                 SIMON
                    What I'm saying is that to - walk the
                    road of peace, sometimes you need to be
                    ready to climb the mountain of conflict.
                    Thank you!

     The press are writing furiously, making calls already.
     Simon tries to look confident. He and the team get into
     their car.


28   INT. CAR DRIVING THRU WESTMINSTER. DAY.                        28

     (CHANGE SCENE ORDER - GOES AFTER SC. 29G)
     Toby Simon and Judy on the back seat as they drive back
     to the Department.

                                 SIMON
                           (under his breath)
                    Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
                           (to Judy)
                    Why didn't we nail the line?

                                 JUDY
                    I did try to warn you.

                                 SIMON
                    You did try to warn me but you didn't
                    actually stop me, did you?. That's like
                    shouting 'Train!' as I get hit by a
                    train. You should go
                           (stupid voice)
                    'Look! Train! There's a Fucking Train!'

     JUDY'S and SIMON'S phones start ringing. They each check
     the number.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                    Oh shit. It's Malcolm.

                                 JUDY
                    It's Malcolm for me too.

                                 SIMON
                    How does he do that?
                           (he answers, tentatively)
                    Hello?




                                                         Page 27

                   




29   INT. NUMBER 10. DAY.                                        29

     Malcolm has two phones on the go. He's watching the SKY
     NEWS coverage of Simon's mini-press coverage. It has a
     `Government ready to Climb the Mountain of Conflict'
     banner running across the top.

                            MALCOLM
                      (on the phone, over TV)
               Simon.   I don't like finding out about
               people I work with via the news, unless
               they've died. Get over here now so we
               can address at least one of those issues.


30   INT. NUMBER TEN - DAY                                       30

     Judy, Simon and Toby are walking towards Malcolm's
     office.
                            TOBY
               The thing is. On the war. With your
               profile..
                      (uncertain, but fuck it, he
                       is a senior policy aide to a
                       cabinet minister)
               ... Maybe we should - get it out there?
               That the war is a resigning issue for
               you.

                            SIMON
               You can't say it's a resigning issue.
               Because you then have to resign.
                            JUDY
               You are having a really great first day
               you know that?

     They walk in, Malcolm's there.

                            MALCOLM
                      (shouting)
               You are supposed to be a Cabinet Minster.
               You are supposed to be officer class.
               Don't do this. Don't make waves.

                            SIMON
               We can do without the ritual humiliation,
               Malcolm. You know I'm against talking up
               the war.

                            MALCOLM
               You're against talking up the war? Is
               that why you said, "Climb the mountain of
               conflict"?
                            (MOR E)

                                                       Page 28

                        
30   CON TINUE D:                                                     30
                                 MAL COLM (CONT'D)
                    Do you know what you sounded like? You
                    sounded like a fucking Nazi Julie
                    Andrews.

                                 SIMON
                    I'm just saying. I might be forced to the
                    verge of making a stand.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (different tack needed)
                           (at Toby and Judy)
                    Right, you two, The White Stripes,
                    outside.

     Simon makes to leave with them.

                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                    There's only two people in the White
                    Stripes.

     Toby and Judy leave and wait outside the door.
                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D, TO SIMON)
                                 (CONT'D)
                    Look, I admire you, I really do. Making a
                    stand. So, I take it I can tell the PM
                    you don't want to go to Washington?

                                   SIMON
                    To where...?

                                 MALCOLM
                    Washington. The boss wants you over there
                    on a fact-finder. Problems we might face
                    if it all goes boombastic in the Middle
                    East.
                                   SIMON
                    Oh. Right.

                                 MALCOLM
                    But you were saying, you are on the verge
                    of your stand...

                                 SIMON
                    Well, look - I don't know what words I
                    used in the heat of the moment, but maybe
                    in a sense I was on the verge. But that's
                    the important thing - I was on the verge.
                    Not in any way decided.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, stop being
                    such a faffing fuck-arse.

                                 SIMON
                    I am standing my ground on the verge.

                                                            Page 29

                     
30   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          30


                            MALCOLM
               Well, when you go to America, talk to
               Karen Clarke at the State Department,

                            SIMON
               I'll give it a whirl.

                            MALCOLM
               But keep away from Linton Barwick. He's
               pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot.
               I'll deal with him. Dangerous fucker.
               keeps a live hand-grenade as a
               paperweight. True story.

                              SIMON
               Oh right.    I won't talk to him.

                            MALCOLM
               Talk to as few people as possible. That
               would be best for you.

31   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                 31

     Liza, Karen and Chad arrive in the buzzing State
     Department offices, knackered but in action mode.

                            KAREN
               Okay - so, priorities are: take a shower,
               get me on Linton's War Committee, get me
               a dental appointment. Not necessarily in
               that order.

     Karen walks past various desks covered in tons of Post-
     Its. Stops a STAFFER as he passes.
                            KAREN (cont'd) (CONT'D)
               What's Linton been up to while we've been
               away....have we declared war on
               California yet?

     But before the staffer can answer they run right into
     Linton. Karen stands her ground.

                             LINTON
               Ah. Karen.

                             KAREN
               Linton.

                            LINTON
               How was London? Good hotel?

                            KAREN
               Great hotel, thank you.


                                                       Page 30

                           
31   CON TINUE D:                                                      31


                                 LINTON
                    Good meetings?

                                 KAREN
                    Yes. We had some good discussions. The
                    time at Number Ten could possibly have
                    been better spent but then...

     Karen realises that Linton is reading a message on his
     cell phone and not listening.

                                 LINTON
                    Good. Welcome back. I'll read your words
                    when they come through. Thank you so much

     Linton heads off to his office. A beat later so does
     Karen. Chad goes off a little towards Linton's office.

                                 KAREN
                    Is Chad coming... ?
                                 LIZA
                           (watching)
                    He's doing his desperate chorus girl
                    thing, hanging around trying to catch
                    Linton's eye. That's why he's wearing his
                    push-up bra today.

                                 CHAD
                           (as he passes)
                    Assistant Secretary of State -- hi.

                                   LINTON
                    Brad.
                                   CHAD
                    Chad

                                 LINTON
                    Uh-huh. Exactly

                                   CHAD
                    Can I...?

     Linton ignores him as he goes to join Bob Adriano waiting
     for him in his office.

                                 KAREN
                    So listen, Liza, I need you to find out
                    the names of the ten dullest committees
                    currently operating on the hill.

                                   LIZA
                    Dullest?



                                                            Page 31

                     
31   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          31


                            KAREN
               Because Linton is not going to call it
               the big horrible scarey war
               committee...they'll have buried the war
               committee under the most boring name they
               can think of. 'Diverse Strategy
               Committee'- not that, I'm on that. But
               it'll be a committee that sounds so
               tedious you want to self-harm.

     They glance over into Linton's area. He is glancing into
     theirs.

                            KAREN(CONT'D)
               Can you get me General Miller at the
               Pentagon?
                      (as she leaves)
               My teeth hurt like hell.

                            LIZA
                      (to herself)
               Sick of hearing about the teeth...

     Liza goes to her desk, picks up her landline.

                            LIZA (cont'd) (CONT'D)
               Hi. I'm calling from Karen Clark's office
               about a paper written by a staffer here.
               We need to know if 'Post War Planning:
               Parameters, Implication's and
               Possibilities' has reached Assistant
               Secretary of State Linton Barwick yet?
                      (listens)
               Yeah...by Liza Weld.
                      (listens, shit!)
               'Pwip Pip'? It's already been given an
               acronym?
                      (listens)
               No I don't want to fast-track it. Would
               it possible to slow-track it? Well can we
               create one?


32   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. LINTON'S OFFICE - DAY                32

     Looking over at Karen. Now alone, who is still stealing
     glances over.

                            LINTON
               I do not understand why anyone would
               choose to work in a glass office. In my
               opinion glass offices are for perverts.

                            BOB ADRIANO
               I could request the glass be frosted?


                                                       Page 32

                        
32   CON TINUE D:                                                     32


                                 LINTON
                           (as if Bob Adriano brought it
                            up)
                    Frosting is for cakes, Bob. Now. What
                    happened in London?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    Generally positive. Two glitches. Karen
                    flagged a report by one of her staffers -
                    Liza. She's obviously trying to use it as
                    some kind of roadblock. It's called Pwip
                    Pip.

                                LINTON
                    Pip what?

                                BOB ADRIANO
                    Pwip Pip.

                                 LINTON
                    What is that a report on - birdcalls?
                    What does that stand for?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    I don't recall. It's factish. Intel -
                    case for and against intervention.

                                 LINTON
                    We've got all the facts we need on this.
                    In the land of truth, my friend, the man
                    with one fact is king. You said there was
                    another thing?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    In the meeting with the Foreign Office
                    the Committee was accidentally briefly
                    alluded to.

                                  LINTON
                           (putting his hand over his
                            mouth so he can't be lip-
                            read)
                    Which committee?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                           (doing the same)
                    The war committee.

                                 LINTON
                    Karen must not find out about that. She
                    is an excitable yapping she-dog. Okay get
                    the minutes of the meeting, we need to
                    correct the record.

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    We can do that?

                                                            Page 33

                     
32   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          32


                            LINTON
               Yes we can. They're an aide memoir for
               us. So they should not be a reductive
               record of what happened to be said, but a
               more full record of what was intended to
               be said. I think that's the more accurate
               version, right?

     LATER. Bob Adriano is going through the minutes with
     Linton.

                            LINTON (CONT'D)
               I don't like this section. Cut that. I
               don't think this is really what France
               are saying. Let's change that. And these.
               And let's reverse this.

                            BOB ADRIANO
               That's something Karen said.
                            LINTON
               It's not right. Change it.

                            BOB ADRIANO
               Yes sir.

                            LINTON
               And I like this.

                            BOB ADRIANO
               Thank you.

                            LINTON
               Let's say everyone agreed with this.
                            BOB ADRIANO
               Excellent.


33   INT. SIMON'S OFFICE/BOX ROOM - DAY                         33

     Judy's in her office on the phone, laughing. Simon's
     eyeing her suspiciously.

                            SIMON
               What's she so fucking happy about? Is she
               laughing at me?

     Judy closes the blinds on her side of the office.

                            SIMON (CONT'D) (cont'd)
               Why's she got control of the blinds? I'm
               a government minister. I should have
               blinds.



                                                      Page 34

                        
33   CON TINUE D:                                                     33


                                 TOBY
                           (joking)
                    You want me to order some blinds? Or I
                    could get some heavy curtains with swags
                    and a pelmet.

                                   SIMON
                    Yes. I do.

                                   TOBY
                    Oh. Okay ...

                                 SIMON
                    Can we go somewhere else?

     They walk to Box Room.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                    So listen. My team for the US. Team
                    Simon. I'm thinking of taking you and
                    leaving Judy?

                                 TOBY
                    I could work with that, definitely. Plus
                    she can be a bit... you know?
                    "Everything's a bit shit isn't it?"

                                 SIMON
                    "So you're the President? And I'm
                    supposed to be impressed by that?

                                 TOBY
                    Yeah. "My husband works in Tower
                    Hamlets."
                                 SIMON
                    "That's much harder than being
                    President". Okay. It's settled. Fuck it.
                    She's staying behind. Go and tell her.


     INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. KAREN'S OFFICE - DAY
34                                                                    34
     Karen, Liza and Linton are among those seated round the
     table. Various staffers are standing, including Chad. And
     Bob Adriano.

                                 KAREN
                    Which brings us on to Any Other Business.

                                 LINTON
                    I believe I've flagged everything I
                    needed to discuss. As I usually do.




                                                            Page 35

                        
34   CON TINUE D:                                                    34


                                 KAREN
                           (putting her hand over her
                            mouth, mocking Linton's
                            gesture from earlier)
                    Or everything you're prepared to discuss.

                                 LINTON
                    What is that, Karen

                                 KAREN
                    I understand you've started up a new
                    committee, what's it called?

                                 LINTON
                    What makes you think that?

                                 KAREN
                    It was mentioned in our London meeting.

                                 LINTON
                    You must have misheard.

                                 KAREN
                    I misheard the word committee?

                                 LINTON
                    Maybe it was another word. Like Khomeini.

                                 KAREN
                    You're sitting on a new Khomeini?

                                 LINTON
                    Possibly. There are a lot of words,
                    Karen. Kansas City. Kitty.
                                  BOB ARIANO
                    Itty.

                                 LINTON
                    Itty is not a word, Bob.

                                  CHAD
                    Commissary?

                                 LINTON
                    Thank you, James

                                  CHAD
                    Chad.

                                 KAREN
                    Ok. Why don't you just recap for me all
                    the committees that you're currently
                    sitting on?



                                                           Page 36

                     
34   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          34


                            LINTON
               I'm Sorry, Karen, you appear to be
               bleeding from your mouth.

     She is. But she doesn't want to leave the meeting.

                            KAREN
               Oh don't try to change the subject
               Linton.

                            LIZA
                      (Looking at Karen)
               Oh no. Holy Mother of....

     Everyone is just looking at her.

                            LINTON
               I don't mean to be rude Karen but that is
               a tad... repulsive. I can't concentrate
               on what you're saying. You have blood
               coming out of your teeth and that's not
               right.

     Karen gets up to go. It's awkward, she's boxed in and has
     to clamber over the others to get to the door.

                            KAREN
               Okay, Liza come with me.

                            CHAD
                      (aside, to Liza)
               Go, Buffy - you belong to the vampire
               queen now.

     Liza follows Karen out. Chad takes Liza's seat.
                            LINTON
               I don't like to see a woman bleeding from
               the mouth. It makes me think of Country
               and Western music. Which I really can't
               abide.

                            CHAD
                      (what?)
               Yes! Ha ha! Exactly.

     Linton sees his chance to take advantage of Karen being
     out of the room.

                            LINTON
               Actually while we're on Any Other
               Business I do have a few points I'd like
               to resolve.




                                                       Page 37

                      




35   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - CORRIDOR/BATHROOM - DAY              35

     They head into the bathroom.

     Liza is pulling handfuls of tissue. Handing them to Karen
     who is dabbing her teeth.

                            KAREN
               Where are at you at with the committees?

                            LIZA
               I got it down to two. The Aims and Policy
               Alignment Committee. Here - put some down
               your front - you don't want it to go down
               your... And the Future Planning
               Committee.

                            KAREN
               Well, it's not the first one. I set that
               one up. Does that really sound dull to
               you? I thought that was a good name.

                            LIZA
               Right, no, it is a good name.

                            KAREN
               Okay, find out if it is definitely the
               Future Planning Committee.

                            LIZA
               Okay. Okay. Right, listen, I might go and
               do that. You're not going to shout at me
               if I go and do that are you?
                            KAREN
               I'm not a fucking monster Liza, okay?
               Will you stop implying I'm some kind of
               monster?


36   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                  36

     Liza heads out of the toilets to see Bob Adriano ahead,
     quite a long way.

                              LIZA
               Bob!

     Bob Adriano stops and turns.

                              BOB ADRIANO
               Liza.

     Liza sprints and catches up with him.


                                                       Page 38

                        
36   CON TINUE D:                                                     36


                                 LIZA
                    So listen, Bob, there's something I
                    really want to tell you. We're having a
                    hunk of the month competition, and I just
                    didn't want you to be feel...objectified
                    in any way....and

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                           (hopes it might be a come-
                            on?)
                    Oh really?

                                 LIZA
                    Karen knows about the Future Planning
                    Committee.

     Bob Adriano looks shocked, tries to cover it up.

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    I have no idea what you're talking about.
     Liza smiles. Runs back into the toilets and gives a
     thumbs up to Karen.


37   INT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT - DAY                                    37

     Simon and Toby walking past the queues at US immigration,
     they are being ushered through a separate channel by
     airport workers and diplomatic staff. As they're escorted
     Simon and Toby catch each other's eye.

                                 TOBY
                    This is cool.
                                 SIMON
                    Don't be callow Toby. We're on official
                    business.

     A Homeland Security official ushers them through.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D) (cont'd)
                    This is a little bit fucking cool.


38   INT/EXT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT - DAY                                38

     But then they reach the end of security and find
     themselves dumped into the same arrivals area as everyone
     else. They walk through.

                                 SIMON
                    There will be a car won't there?

                                 TOBY
                    Oh God yeah, of course.

                                                            Page 39

                        
38   CON TINUE D:                                                   38


     They walk slowly looking at the various cabbies and
     chauffeurs holding signs.

                                 SIMON
                    Did you book a car?

                                 TOBY
                    Me? No. I mean, Judy will have got
                    someone to do it.

     He calls on his phone.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    Hi Judy? Yeah sorry if you're in bed, but
                    we're here and...
                           (looks through papers)
                    Just can't see the car? Wondered what the
                    car situation was?

39   INT. JUDY'S FLAT/INT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT                       39

     Intercut with Judy in bed at her flat.

                                 JUDY
                    What car situation?

                                 TOBY
                    The airport car?

                                 JUDY
                    That's not my job Toby. That's Robbie's
                    job to book it, your job to check it and
                    confirm it. Alright? Good night.
     The call is over.


40   EXT. WASHINGTON AIRPORT                                        40

                                 TOBY
                           (to Simon)
                    Yeah. She's really embarrassed. Sounds
                    like a snarl up her end. I'll see what we
                    can do?

     He's looking panicked - then.

                                  TOBY (CONT'D)
                    Here we go.

     There's a guy with a sign that says `England Government -
     Simon Forester'

                                 SIMON
                    `Simon Forester?'

                                                          Page 40

                        
40   CON TINUE D:                                                    40


                                 TOBY
                           (to the taxi guy)
                    Hi we're the Simon Foster party?

     The driver takes their bags and they follow him.


41   INT. LIMO - DAY                                                 41

     Simon and Toby are heading into Washington. Their car is
     accompanied by two police motorcycles.

                                 SIMON
                           (re : the limo)
                    I almost feel like there should be
                    hookers. Do you know what I mean? Really,
                    here, we should have hookers.

                                 TOBY
                           (thumbs up, on his mobile)
                    Hey Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade!

                                 DRIVER
                    You want girls?

                                 SIMON
                           (terrified of things getting
                            out of hand)
                    What? Oh no. God no. No no no no no. I
                    was just - I was just joking. I don't
                    want hookers. I hate hookers. I mean not
                    in an aggressive way. I'm just not
                    interested.
                           (uncomfy beat, then)
                    But thanks. Thanks very much.

42   EXT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - DAY                                     42

     They get out of the limo, take in the hotel facade. Not
     bad. Pretty fucking good.


43   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - DAY                                     43

     They walk in. Oh. Right. Not so impressive then. Not
     crappy. Just very bland and ordinary.

                                 TOBY
                    It's like a hangar for businessmen.


44   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL ROOM                                      44

     Simon and Toby enter with the porter. He hangs around for
     a tip.

                                                           Page 41

                        
44   CON TINUE D:                                                     44


                                 SIMON
                    Toby, have you....?

                                 TOBY
                           (seaching his pockets)
                    I haven't been to an ATM yet...I've only
                    got English....

     SIMON finds two crumbled up one dollar bills and presses
     them into the porter's hand.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    It's supposed to be a dollar a bag.

     Porter leaves. TOBY goes to window, opens curtain. The
     Capitol it just visisble through a building site.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill
                    view.

45   INT. GEORGETOWN HOUSE - NIGHT                                    45

     A smart private cocktail party in a fancy Georgetown
     house. Karen and General Miller spot each other.

     They each take a glass of champagne from a waiter.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Hey Karen. You look beautiful.

                                 KAREN
                    I bet you say that to all the girls.
                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Yeah I do. And some of the guys.

                                 KAREN
                    That's why you shouldn't run for Senate.
                    Too many skeletons in your enormous
                    closet.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Yeah, don't believe the hype. I'm just
                    thinking about doing ... something. I'm
                    more than just a soldier, Karen.

                                 KAREN
                    That's right, you're passionate about
                    education and housing and what's the
                    other thing?

                                GENERAL MILLER
                    Lingerie.


                                                            Page 42

                        
45   CON TINUE D:                                                     45


                                 KAREN
                    That's right.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    And bestiality.

                                 KAREN
                    I'd forgotten about that. Are you still
                    allergic to that dog?

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Yes, yes. I wake up and my eyes are
                    closed and my head is swollen and I look
                    like a giant ball sack.

                                 KAREN
                    Oh my god, they do have memdication for
                    that.....but a beautiful ball sack,
                    though. And how's the pentagon?
                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    It's kicked up a level. Talking invasion
                    real soon.

                                 KAREN
                    Is there somewhere we can talk?

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    I don't know, I don't live in this house.


46   INT. CAULDERWOOD'S PARTY. ADJOINING PLAY ROOM - EVENING          46

     General Miller and Karen are in Caulderwood's kids' play
     room. Toys are piled up everywhere.
                                 KAREN
                    What if someone comes in now?

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    I can't think of an excuse that would
                    work can you?

                                 KAREN
                    No. Just be careful. Don't mess stuff up.

     They sit down on the child's bed. Miller grabs a crayon.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Okay so that's total minimum European
                    Theatre requirement.

     He shows her a figure on a piece of paper.

                                 GENERAL MILLER (CONT'D)
                           (he scribbles)
                    This is Far East, Korea, Japan etc.
                                                            Page 43

                        
46   CON TINUE D:                                                     46


     He scribbles.

                                 GENERAL MILLER (CONT'D)
                    Add those. Plus contingency already
                    deployed.

                                 KAREN
                    Er - you've lost me.

     Miller looks around, grabs a child's laptop. Opens it, it
     says `howday' in an electronic voice.

                                 KAREN (CONT'D)
                    Your military hardware is impressive.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Not anymore it isn't. Okay so this is
                    total current deployment.
                           (he types)
                    Europe, Asia.
                           (He types)
                    And the contingency already deployed.
                           (He types)
                    So the current number of combat troops
                    available for an invasion according to
                    these figures would be ...
                           (he presses the `equals'
                            button)

                                COMPUTER VOICE
                    Twelve.

                                KAREN
                    Thousand?
                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    No, twelve. Twelve soldiers. Twelve.

                                 KAREN
                    You're shitting me.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Of course I'm shitting you, but 12
                    thousand isn't enough. Twelve thousand's
                    about how many are going to die. And you
                    really need a few guys alive at the end
                    of a war or it looks like you've lost.

                                 KAREN
                    Uh-huh. Tomorrow I've got to meet these
                    Brits. Simon Foster. He's the guy that
                    said war was unforseeable, and I think he
                    could very useful on the committee
                    because he could internationalise the
                    dissent.


                                                            Page 44

                     
46   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          46


                            GENERAL MILLER
               You're going to use him as a little meat
               puppet.


     INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - TOBY'S ROOM.
47                                                              47
     Simon knocks on the door. Toby opens, he's in his boxer
     shorts and shirt.

                            SIMON
               Tobes. Hi. So! What's the plan? What
               swanky reception are we going to?

                            TOBY
                      (panic in his eyes)
               What's the plan? For tonight?

                            SIMON
               Well that's what I'm asking you Toby, my
               chief aide, my political advisor.

                            TOBY
               I don't know, I thought tonight we'd be
               tired?

                            SIMON
                      (approaching breaking point
                       with Toby)
               Well I am tired but I'm also a career
               politician Toby, in the political
               powerhouse of the world for forty-eight
               hours. So I thought it might be nice to,
               you know, go out rather than sit in my
               room trying to spank one out watching a
               shark documentary, because I'm scared if
               I watch a porno it'll end up in the
               Register of Members Interests. So what
               have you got?

                            TOBY
               Okay ... What have I got?

                            SIMON
               Don't bullshit me Toby.

                            TOBY
               Okay - so far, we have ... one flyer
               under the door for happy hour in the bar -
               which might be interesting? And I have
               the number of a guy I was with at Uni who
               I believe now works for CNN out here.

                            SIMON
               No.


                                                      Page 45

                          
47   CON TINUE D:                                                     47


                                  TOBY
                    No?


48   INT. GEORGETOWN PARTY. EVE.                                      48

     Karen on the phone.

                                 KAREN
                    Liza, where are you?

                                 LIZA
                    Waving at you.

                                 KAREN
                    Make yourself more visible.

                                 LIZA
                    I'm practically on top of you.
     They meet.

                                 KAREN
                    You can stop talking on your phone now.
                    Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon
                    Foster's guy. Tell them to come to the
                    war committee. I'll give them some face
                    time around ten o'clock. It'll be coffee
                    and Danish...tea..they're going to want
                    tea. Tea and sympathy. Tea and a handjob,
                    whatever.

                                  LIZA
                    Ok.

49   EXT. GEORGETOWN STREET - EVENING.                                49

                                 LIZA
                           (on phone, deep breath)
                    Hey Toby! It's Liza Weld. Do you
                    remember? What you guys doing tonight?


50   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - EVENING                                  50

     Toby and Simon are lying on separate beds in their
     underpants watching a shark documentary. Toby is the on
     the phone.

                                 TV NARRATOR
                    There is still a great deal that is
                    unknown about great white shark mating
                    behaviour...

                                 TOBY
                    Well it is unbelievably hectic.
                                                           Page 46

                        
50   CON TINUE D:                                                   50


                                 SIMON
                    You can definitely spot the female ones
                    can't you?!


51   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL BATHROOM - EVENING                       51

     Toby's ending his call with Liza.

                                 TOBY
                    Attending the war committee. That's big.
                    I mean, I have been on a committee
                    before. "Challenges for the cheese
                    market" - that was a big one...
                    but...yes, sure I'd love a drink. Forty
                    minutes? Great.
                           (he does that mobile thing
                            where people sign off by
                            repeatedly saying `bye' with
                            increasing speed but
                            diminishing volume)
                    Bye bye bye-bye-bye-bye-bye bye.

     He hangs up. Very excited. Starts getting ready to see
     Liza. Checks his hair in the mirror. Not quite right. He
     opens a pot of hair gel, takes a scoop and rubs it in his
     hands, ready to put it in his hair. His phone goes again.

     Doesn't know what to do. Doesn't want to pick up the
     phone with gelly hands. No time to wash it off. Grabs a
     towel and picks up the phone holding the towel. He
     struggles to press the answer button. Puts the towel-
     covered phone to his ear.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    Hello? Hi? Hello?

     He can't hear through the towel. Tries to adjust it.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    Matty, hi, How's CNN? yes -- sorry? Do I
                    sound muffled?

                    Can't mate. Yeah, Liza Weld's's got us on
                    to Linton's Future Planning Committee in
                    the morning. The war committee, to you
                    and me. So I'm prepping...what? Yes,
                    Future Planning Committee is the war
                    committee. You don't know that? I thought
                    you worked for CNN? Or is that Cartoon
                    Network News?


52   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS                             52

     Simon has just answered the door to MALCOLM.

                                                          Page 47

                        
52   CON TINUE D:                                                   52


                                 SIMON
                    Come in....I just wasn't expecting you to
                    be here. Physically here. Obviously,
                    you're always in my heart.

                                 MALCOLM
                    I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking
                    everywhere. I am the egg-man.

                                 SIMON
                    Have you come to insult me in a different
                    time zone?


53   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                   53

     Toby still on the phone.

                                 TOBY
                    No, off out now for a drink with
                    her...yeah, yeah, ha-di-ha, but nothing's
                    going to happen there. Little Toby's
                    staying in his hammock tonight.

     Toby checks himself in the mirror.


54   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS                             54

     Toby comes out of the bathroom.

                                 TOBY
                    Simon, I've managed to get us on the...

     Malcolm is suddenly in his face.
                                MALCOLM
                    Hello!!

                                 TOBY
                           (heart attack)
                    Fuck! Malcolm! Jesus.

                                 MALCOLM
                    You're meant to shit yourself in there.
                    Not out here.

                                TOBY
                    Right.
                           (to Simon)
                    I've got us on to Linton's Future
                    Planning Committee in the morning.

                                 SIMON
                    Okay. What's that?


                                                          Page 48

                        
54   CON TINUE D:                                                   54


                                 TOBY
                    It's the war committee.

                                 MALCOLM
                    What? The actual....war committee?

                                 TOBY
                    Yeah, Liza says that...

                                 MALCOLM
                    Who's going to be there?

                                 TOBY
                    Karen Clark, Liza, me and Simon.
                           (off Simon's look)
                    Simon and me.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Who else is going -- Jimmy Osmond?
                    Gwyneth Paltrow? You've been invited to a
                    diversion. The real committee, the real
                    thing, that's happening at The White
                    House.

     Toby picks his jacket up.

                                 TOBY
                    Yeah well, I'll text you the details
                    because I'm going to go out.for A quick
                    drink with some State Department bods.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Don't mention this to the press, ok?
                    Don't mention it to anyone. Because if
                    the press get a whiff there's a war
                    committee, even a cardboard one, every
                    fucker in this town is going to turn up
                    and try and get on it. So no matter what
                    gay bar you end up, keep it schtumm.

     Malcolm flicks the TV over to a news channel.

                                 SIMON
                    I was watching that.

     Malcolm looks at him.

                                 MALCOLM
                    I have to have a word with you. You might
                    want to slip into your negligee.

     Toby heads out.




                                                          Page 49

                   




55   INT. BLACK CAT INDIE CLUB - NIGHT                           55

     Toby and Liza sit in a booth. They are by far the most
     formally dressed people in the club. A band are playing
     angry rock with a vaguely political message. A small knot
     of people are rocking out.

                            LIZA
                      (re : the mosh pit)
               You see those guys? The mosh pit?

                            TOBY
               Yes, I don't think I've ever seen a more
               civilised 'mosh pit' it's more of a mosh
               caucus actually.

                            LIZA
               House staffers, Senators' interns, most
               of them are half-man half-PDF file.
               Tonight they rage hard. Tomorrow they go
               back to the hill and argue noise
               reduction legislation.

     They're chuckling, having a good time.

                            TOBY
                      (beat, looks at her.)
               You're worried.

                            LIZA
                      (she's been mulling on
                       something else entirely)
               It's Pwip Pip.
                            TOBY
               I'm sorry? Pip Pip? Is this... a person
               or a cell phone tarrif or..

                            LIZA
               It's my paper. On the war. Pros and Cons
               of the war. But I came up with too many
               cons. The pro-war guys have started
               calling me `Connie'. So, yes I'm fucking
               worried. My career's on the line.

                             TOBY
               Yeah- I noticed you're worried, cos I saw
               you looking worried. I'm perceptive like
               that. But...
                      (can't think of anything
                       else)
               Don't worry.

                            LIZA
               Okay, this place blows. I'm going. What
               are you doing?
                                                     Page 50

                        
55   CON TINUE D:                                                     55


                                 TOBY
                    Well I'm incredibly tired. It feels like
                    my brain's eight hours behind but my
                    liver's 12 hours ahead.

                                 LIZA
                    You don't want to come back to my place
                    for a quick catch up?

     It's an alluring offer.

                                 TOBY
                    However, due to technological
                    developments I no longer need sleep, but
                    am physically rejuvenated by alcohol!

     He guzzles from his beer bottle as they leave.


56   INT. LIZA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                    56
     Toby and Liza are on the bed together, kissing.

                                 TOBY
                    Could I just say, you know, that what
                    happens in Washington stays in
                    Washington?

                                 LIZA
                    Yeah I live in Washington. So that
                    doesn't really work for me.


57   INT. WASHINGTON HOTEL - EVENING                                  57
     Malcolm is     still in Simon's room. He's texting. Simon
     sneaks the     remote and flips from the news back to the
     shark doc.     Malcolm, without looking up, picks up the
     remote and     flicks back to the news.

                                 MALCOLM
                    We are under enormous pressure Simon.
                    Karen will want you to say, `war is
                    unforeseeable'. Linton will want you to
                    talk up `climbing the mountain of
                    conflict'. You say nothing, okay? You
                    can't swing both ways, you're not David
                    fucking Bowie.

                                 SIMON
                    Right. Can I go to bed now?

                                 MALCOLM
                    No, we're going to run that through.

                                 SIMON
                    Am I being tortured?
                                                            Page 51

                     




58   INT. LIZA'S APARTMENT - DAY                                 58

     Toby wakes up. His mouth is parched. He feels terrible.
     He rolls over. Liza is gone. He can't remember where he
     is or what's going on. Then with a flash as he looks at
     the clock - 9.07 he remembers a lot of things in a rush
     and springs out like a Ninja and starts pulling his
     clothes on, while scrabbling for his phone.

     He heads down stairs & out of the apartment.


59   EXT. LIZA'S APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY                           59

                            TOBY
               Hello I need a number for a taxi in
               Washington DC. Straight through please.

     He's on the street.
                            TOBY (CONT'D)
               Hello. I need a cab, right now. From?
               From where? From from
                      (sees the house number )

                            TOBY (CONT'D)
               It's 40, 46, that's the number, and it's
               a street. It's a nice street with houses
               and cars and a - sidewalk and it's got
               leaves and - hold on I'm walking, I'm
               walking to a sign ...


60   EXT. WASHINGTON STREET                                      60
     Toby running.


61   INT. KAREN CLARK'S OFFICE. DAY.                             61

     Karen, Liza and Simon are making small talk.

                            LIZA
               Marcel's is good.

                              SIMON
               Uh-huh.

                            KAREN
               You should go to La Taverna, the Greek
               place. It's fantastic.

                            LIZA
               They set fire to the cheese. It's a lot
               of fun.

                                                       Page 52

                        
61   CON TINUE D:                                                   61


                                 SIMON
                    It sounds a lot of fun.

                                 KAREN
                    There's the aerospace museum, the
                    National Gallery.

                                 SIMON
                    Do they set fire to the paintings?

     Polite laughter. Toby comes in.

                                 TOBY
                    Hi I'm sorry I'm so late.

                                 KAREN
                           (re Toby)
                    And this is your guy?

                                 SIMON
                    Yes. He's, you know, among my guys.

     Toby shoots Simon a look.

                                 KAREN
                           (turning to Toby)
                    I'm Karen. And I believe you already know
                    Liza.

                                 TOBY
                           (she can't know?)
                    Yes. From college, in England.

                                 KAREN
                    Pulled an all-nighter?
     Toby looks to Liza for guidance. She's not giving any.

                                 TOBY
                    Yes, I, uh, got led astray.

                                 KAREN
                    Oh who by?

                                 TOBY
                    Uh, well I ran into - people. There's
                    some people from - the MoD over and ...

                                 KAREN
                    Not Penny Grayling?

                                 TOBY
                    Er - no, another - gang?

                                 KAREN
                    Right. Wow. I didn't know you had so many
                    delegations in town.
                                                          Page 53

                     
61   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          61


                            TOBY
                      (weakly)
               The British are coming!

                            KAREN
               Well, I need to just check out a couple
               of things ... this seems like a good
               point to break things up.

                            SIMON
               Er - no problem.

     They start to get up, not quite sure what's going on.

                            LIZA
               It's been great.

                              SIMON
               Terrific.
                            KAREN
               I really appreciate this.

                              TOBY
               Brilliant.


62   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                 62

     Simon and Toby walk out into a larger office. They find a
     couple of seats left out for people waiting and sit down.
     Various staffers come and go, picking up papers and
     files, saying hi, looking knackered, all drinking either
     diet cokes or coffees.
                              TOBY
               Was that...?

                            SIMON
               Toby -- I don't want to read you the riot
               act here but I am going to have to read
               some extracts from the riot act. Like
               Section 1 paragraph 1 clause 1. Don't
               leave your boss twisting in the wind and
               then burst in late smelling like a pissed
               seaside donkey.
                      (special needs)
               `The British are coming'?

                            TOBY
                      (feels he's taken enough now)
               So I turned up late to the meeting Simon.
               I'm sorry. But it's not like I threw up
               in there.



                                                      Page 54

                        
62   CON TINUE D:                                                     62


                                 SIMON
                    No you're right. I should be thanking you
                    for not throwing up. Well done. You're a
                    star. You didn't wet yourself, you're in
                    the right city, you didn't say anything
                    overtly racist, you didn't pull your dick
                    out and start plucking it and shouting
                    'willy banjo'. No I'm being unfair, you
                    got so much right. Without actually being
                    there for the beginning of one of the
                    biggest meetings of my career. You're a
                    legend.

     An uncomfortable beat.

                                 TOBY
                    That was just - the first bit was it?
                    We're going back in do you ...think?

                                 SIMON
                    We'd barely said hello. I've had muggings
                    that have lasted longer than that. We
                    really only spoke about flammable cheese.

     Liza comes out, passes by. Toby mouths `shit' to himself.

                                 LIZA
                           (looking at a list on her
                            desk, then to a staffer)
                    Are these all requests to get on the
                    committee? What's going on? Did someone
                    post an invite on Facebook? I'm drowning
                    in Senators. It's Senator soup here.

                                 TOBY
                    Hi Liza.

     They're uncomfy with each other.

                                 LIZA
                    Hey Toby.

     Toby gets up for a private word.

                                 TOBY
                           (re last night)
                    You feeling okay?

                                 LIZA
                    Yes, I'm feeling fine. Why were you late?

                                 TOBY
                    Because...you know...you didn't wake me
                    up.



                                                            Page 55

                     
62   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          62


                            LIZA
               You looked so sweet. I thought you knew
               what you were doing.

                            TOBY
               I was asleep, of course I didn't. That's
               how people walk out of windows.

                             STAFFER
                      ((hand over phone, calls
                       over)
               Hey Liza, I've got another call about the
               Committee from Senator Crudden's office,
               he wants in too.

                            LIZA
               What is going on here? Fuck. Why's this
               my problem? Toby you sure you didn't do
               bad? You didn't mention the committee to
               anyone else?
                            TOBY
               Nada. Nada.. Bad-da. Nada-bada bing-bong
               ding-dang-dong.
                      (beat, she looks at him)
               I have no idea what I'm saying anymore I
               think I really am still quite drunk.

     Chad is passing. As Liza turns away Toby's face does a
     spasm of regret at his brazen lying.

                            CHAD
               Everyone is so hot for your paper. I'm
               running off another ten copies. It's
               spreading like a virus, Liza. You're in
               hot water. You're lobsterising.

                            LIZA
               I don't feel that.

                            CHAD
               It's by degrees. Wafting. Bisque.
               I smell lobster. Can you smell lobster,
               Toby?

     Simon calls Toby back over.

                               SIMON (O.S.)
               Mate!

                               TOBY
               I need to...

                               LIZA
               Sure.

     Toby goes back to Simon
                                                      Page 56

                     
62   CON TINUE D: (3)                                          62


                            LIZA (CONT'D)
               So, how far would you go with Linton, you
               freaky little stalker? Downtown? Or all
               the way up Brokeback Mountain?


63   INT. WHITE HOUSE. SMALLISH ROOM - DAY                       63

     Malcolm is arriving into a meeting room set up with water
     etc with a young man who looks like an intern, A.J.

                            A.J.
               How are you today? Beat the traffic?

     Malcolm looking around, as if things aren't right.

                            MALCOLM
               Yeah yeah. Hunky dory. Can I get a
               coffee?
     He gives AJ his coat.

                            A.J.
                      (doesn't take coat then
                       eventually does and just
                       puts it on a chair, not the
                       coat stand)
               Sure, sure, if we get started, I'll get
               my assistant to bring us some
               refreshments.

                            MALCOLM
                      (realising)
               Your assistant?
                            A.J.
                      (sitting, picking up a file
                       in the room)
               Yeah. So, Item. We need to have a
               conversation about the mood of the
               British Parliament. Any bumps in the road
               ahead.

                            MALCOLM
               I'm sorry son, am I - is this it? No
               offence, but shouldn't you be at school
               with your head down a toilet?

                            A.J.
               Your first point there, the offence. I'm
               afraid I'm gonna have to take it. Your
               second point. I'm 22. But - item - It's
               my birthday in nine days, so if it would
               be more comfortable we could... wait...?



                                                      Page 57

                        
63   CON TINUE D:                                                      63


                                 MALCOLM
                    Don't get sarcastic with me son.
                           (starts dialling)
                    We burnt this tight-arsed city to the
                    ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it
                    again. Starting with you, you frat fuck.
                    You get sarcastic with me again and I
                    will stuff so much cotton wool dowm your
                    fucking throat it'll come out of your
                    arse like the wee tail on a playboy
                    bunny. Okay? I thought...I was led to
                    believe I was attending the war
                    committee.

                                 A.J.
                    Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton
                    Barwick wanted me to brief you on the
                    work of the Future Planning Committee.

                                 MALCOLM
                    I don't want the bullshit son, I want the
                    bull. No one sidelines me. I'm away.

     Malcolm gets up, grabs his coat. An even younger guy
     wheels in a coffee trolley.

                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                    And here we go - the fucking Vice
                    President has also graced us with his
                    presence!

     Malcolm runs out, on the phone.

     Malcolm runs out of the White House.

64   EXT. ALBERT EMBANKMENT - DAY                                      64

     JUDY power walking/jogging on the phone to MALCOLM.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (OVV)
                    Where is the fucking war committee
                    meeting?

                                 JUDY
                    Simon's going to the war committee I
                    thought you knew?

                                 MALCOLM
                           (OVV)
                    I thought I was going to the war
                    committee? Tell me where the fuck it's
                    happening!



                                                             Page 58

                        
64   CON TINUE D:                                                   64


                                  JUDY
                    It's on the 7th floor in room 712.
                           (Beat)
                    Oh Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling
                    you what's going on where you are?

                                 MALCOLM
                           (OVV)
                    Well let me tell you what's going on
                    where you are sweet heart, a certain
                    vinegar faced maniplulative cowbag is
                    about to find that she's out of a fucking
                    job...

     JUDY hangs up.


65   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                    65

     Simon and Toby are looking through magazines and papers.
     Karen is exiting her office with an entourage.

                                 SIMON
                    Here she comes - shit - look like we're
                    meeting, look like we're having a
                    meeting!

                                 TOBY
                           (as she passes, re magazine)
                    ... and if you look ... at the line they
                    take in Newsweek - that's very much ...
                    another narrative.

                                 KAREN
                    See you at the committee.
                                 SIMON
                           (like he's busy)
                    Yeah, yeah sure, see you in a mo. Just
                    finishing off some stuff.
                           (to Toby loud)
                    Okay, we're all done there. Let's roll.

     Toby looks at him. As they get up and follow her at
     speed, tripping to keep up.

                                 TOBY
                           (quiet)
                    I don't think you can say that anymore
                    here. They don't like that.

                                 SIMON
                    Shut up. Follow them. Don't lose them.
                    Lets rock.



                                                          Page 59

                        
65   CON TINUE D:                                                     65


     They follow Karen around a corner and she disappears into
     a set of doors, they follow her through, but it is the
     vestibule before a toilet door. Karen looks at them.

                                KAREN
                    Hello?

                                SIMON
                    Hello.

                                 KAREN
                    Are you joining me or shall I see you
                    there?

                                 SIMON
                    See you there. I don't need to ... do any
                    of the things you need to go in there to
                    do, so I'll just see you there.

     Karen goes into the toilet. Simon and Toby head off
     looking sheepish.

     As they head out of the vestibule. There is a gaggle of
     Karen hangers-on. Chad-type staffers looking to get in
     with Karen.


66   INT. COMMITTEE ROOM 712 - DAY                                    66

     Linton is with Adriano, quietly horrified by all these
     people. General Miller passes them.

                                 LINTON
                           (For Miller's benefit)
                    We seem to be overrun with insurgents
                    here, Bob.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Hi, I'm in seat 204, row W. Will I be
                    able to see the big screen from there?
                    Oh, and can I get one of those big pointy
                    foam hands with `Go, Monster Trucks!'
                    written on it?

                                 LINTON
                    The general is on rare form, very rare
                    form.

     Toby spots his hero.

                                 TOBY
                    There he is. General George Miller.

                                 SIMON
                           (And...?)
                    Right, yep. There he is.

                                                            Page 60

                        
66   CON TINUE D:                                                    66


     But the room is rapidly filling with bodies and din. More
     and more people are turning up. Toby's view of Miller is
     obscured.

                                 TOBY
                    That's the second time in 24 hours I've
                    had a partially obscured view of him.


67   INT. SMALL COMMITTEE ROOM. DAY.                                 67

     Linton calls the over-stuffed, standing-room-only room to
     order.

                                 LINTON
                    Okay, due to the fact that seemingly
                    everyone in the world who owns a suit has
                    turned up for this meeting, we'll be
                    relocating to a bigger room. Room 720.
                    So, if you will be so kind...
     The committee members file out.


68   EXT. WASHINGTON STREET NR STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                68

     Malcolm is legging it down the street.


69   INT. LARGER COMMITTEE ROOM 720 - DAY                            69

     The committee members file in.

     Miller goes close up to Linton.
                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Just so you know -- Karen and I did not
                    appreciate having to sneak around like
                    Mulder and Scully trying to find out
                    about this committee.

                                 LINTON
                    Well, you're both here now. John and
                    Yoko.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    You and I need to talk, mano-a-mano,
                    cocks on the block, about how things are
                    operating around here at the moment.

     Linton not fazed by this.

                                 LINTON
                    Sure. How about 12:30 tomorrow, my
                    office?


                                                           Page 61

                        
69   CON TINUE D:                                                   69


                                GENERAL MILLER
                    Good.

     General Miller takes his seat. Linton turns on Adriano.

                                 LINTON
                    What the hell happened?

                                 ADRIANO
                    I have no idea how they all heard sir.
                    There must have been a leak.

     General Miller is sitting next to Karen. They're watching
     Linton having angry words with Adriano.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Look at Adriano. Poor fuck. He looks like
                    he's with his Daddy: "Sorry, Bob, you're
                    adopted. From a couple with hereditary
                    heart defects."
                                 KAREN
                    "And your mother only ever kept your baby
                    clothes for the purposes of voodoo."

     Simon is sitting with Toby, marvelling at the numbers of
     people cramming into the room.

                                 SIMON
                    I'm room meat again. This is a massive
                    abattoir of room meat. Stay outside
                    Tobes, I need a guy on the outside. Make
                    friends with Chad, that boy from The
                    Shining. He knows stuff. Pump him.
                                 TOBY
                    Oh no. I want to stay in here with
                    Miller. Don't make me pump Chad.

                                 SIMON
                    I'm making you pump Chad. Go on.

     Toby gets up to leave.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                    It'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy.

                                 TOBY
                    No it won't. It'll be difficult difficult
                    lemon difficult.

     Toby reluctantly leaves, trying to grab another peek at
     Miller.




                                                          Page 62

                   




70   EXT. WASHINGTON STREET NR STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY             70

     Malcolm running like a madman.


71   INT. LARGER COMMITTEE ROOM 720 - DAY                         71

     Everyone is finally assembled. The room has thirty or so
     people in it.

                            LINTON
               So, welcome to this, somewhat engorged
               session of the Future Planning Committee.
               You can all see an agenda?

     People are looking at their agendas, low-level chatter,
     pouring of water, etc. - a general pre-meeting feel.

                            KAREN
               Assistant Secretary -- here on point 6,
               it feels like there's an assumption that
               we'll be invading. Should we talk about
               the practical? I mean this is the war
               committee after all?

                            LINTON
               It's the Future Planning Committee.

                            KAREN
               Unofficially it's known as the war
               committee.

                            LINTON
               Well, unofficially we can call anything
               whatever we like.
                      (he holds up a water glass)
               Unofficially, this is a shoe. But it's
               not a shoe, Karen, it's a glass of water,
               and this is the Future Planning
               Committee.


72   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. 7TH FLOOR - DAY                       72

     Malcolm is running down the corridor. He runs into Room
     712. It's empty.

                            MALCOLM
               Bitch!


73   INT. BIG COMMITTEE ROOM. DAY.                                73

     Karen is talking.


                                                        Page 63

                        
73   CON TINUE D:                                                     73


                                 KAREN
                    But what I'm asking is has a decision
                    been reached in principle to advocate
                    invasion?

                                 LINTON
                    That's way off agenda Karen. Although it
                    would seem a general consensus may be
                    forming.

                                 KAREN
                    What makes you say that?

                                 LINTON
                    Well I noted with interest the recent
                    comments of our colleague Simon Foster in
                    that regard.

     Simon is texting under the desk and not really paying
     full attention. He hears his name, looks up, waves to the
     group. He doesn't clock Karen's intense look that says
     `You are going to rebut that, aren't you?'

                                 KAREN
                    Perhaps Mr. Foster would have something
                    to say about that?

                                 SIMON
                           (politely)
                    I'm just...watching with interest. IN
                    Britain we have a saying for complicated
                    situations such as this, which is that
                    it's
                           (he can't believe he's going
                            to say this)
                    `Difficult, difficult, lemon, difficult.'

     He goes back to his text.

                                 LINTON
                    As I say it seems a consensus is forming.

                                 KAREN
                           (furious)
                    That's just ridiculous. You have no basis
                    for saying that.

                                 LINTON
                    Karen, please, calm down. We don't want
                    you to have another hemorrhage. Item One.




                                                            Page 64

                   




     INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY
74                                                               74
     It's lunchtime. Lots of staffers have left their desks. A
     few are eating sandwiches at their desks, or reading a
     newspaper during lunch. Chad is emailing, reading, multi-
     tasking, from a corner of desk near Linton's office.

                            TOBY
               So - do you want to go out and get some
               lunch?

                            CHAD
               Are you kidding? Lunchtime is work time.

                            TOBY
               Yes, what an incredibly depressing motto.
               You see you're playing into the hands of
               the French saying that.
     Toby mooches around, peers in Linton's office. He spots a
     couple of A4 sheets of paper that have been printed out
     with `Climb the mountain of conflict!' across them as an
     encouraging slogan on the wall.

                              TOBY (CONT'D)
                        (looking in)
               Jesus.

                            CHAD
               Yeah work hours are too valuable - for
               networking. You gotta get in at like 6
               work till 8.30 Then start making those
               connections baby.
                      (he clicks his fingers
                       rapidly, annoyingly)
               Emails and admin at lunch. See if you can
               play some strategic racquetball through
               the pm. Then in the six till midnight
               slot chow down on some serious policy
               work.

                            TOBY
               Right. And what - friends, family,
               novels, sexual inter-course you're going
               to save those for your thirties and
               forties?


75   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. CORRIDOR/BATHROOM - DAY              75

     Malcolm arrives at the committee just as people are
     spilling out. He's pissed off. Follows Linton into
     bathroom.

                            MALCOLM
               Are you fucking me about?
                                                      Page 65

                        
75   CON TINUE D:                                                   75


                                 LINTON
                    Mr Tucker, isn't it? Hello again.

                                 MALCOLM
                    You might pull this kind of stunt on some
                    young wank fresh up from Oklahoma, happy
                    to be getting his hookers paid for by
                    tobacco lobbyists, but not me.

                                 LINTON
                    What seems to be the problem?

                                 MALCOLM
                    I've just had a briefing from a 9-year-
                    old finalist in Americas got talent. I
                    think he may have been a ventriloquist.
                    Or possibly the fucking dummie.

                                 LINTON
                    AJ? He is one of my top guys. Stanton
                    College Prep, Harvard...he's smart and
                    he's great at his job.

                                 MALCOLM
                    His fucking briefing notes were written
                    in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I
                    nearly tripped over his umbilical cord.

                                 LINTON
                    I'm sorry if it troubles you that our
                    people achieve excellence at a young age.

     Simon is emerging. Linton takes Malcolm to one side, out
     of Simon's earshot.
                                 LINTON (CONT'D)
                    By the way, your prime minister informs
                    me that he's tasked you with collating
                    some fresh British intel for us.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Yeah, apparently your fucking master race
                    of gifted toddlers can't quit get the job
                    done in between breast feeds and playing
                    with their power rangers. So yeah, we're
                    getting some actual grown-ups to bail you
                    out.

     Simon gets closer. Linton moves in.

                                 LINTON
                           (to Simon)
                    Minister, thank you so much for your
                    support and your recent "Climb the
                    mountain of conflict" comment - great.
                    We're going to run with that, it has
                    great repeatability.
                                                         Page 66

                     
75   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          75


                            SIMON
               Thanks very much, but...it's all a bit
               complex really, in terms of my...

     Linton pulls away, starts walking off.

                            LINTON
               It's early days, my friend. All roads
               lead to Munich.

     He smiles and walks off.

                            MALCOLM
               What the fuck does that mean? `All roads
               lead to Munich'?

                            SIMON
               Well it just means...I guess, I don't
               know what it means.
                            MALCOLM
               `All roads lead to Munich'?

     Malcolm is pissed off, looks around. He is not the centre
     of attention. He's feeling cut out.

                            MALCOLM (CONT'D)
               Come on let's go, get back to the hotel,
               nick as many coat hangers as you can.
               We're off back to London.


76   EXT. WASHINGTON STREET                                      76

     Malcolm, Toby, and Simon are heading towards their car.
     They see the Washington Monument in the distance.

                            SIMON
               It's beautiful.

                            TOBY
               If you pull it out, America deflates.

                            MALCOLM
               Don't mock that! The closest you'll come
               to getting one of those is buying a
               Toblerone.
                      (Looks at Blackberry)
               Mark Hadley's dad's died.

                            SIMON
               Oh no. Should we send Mark a card?

                            MALCOLM
               Nah, I'll send him a ouija board so they
               can keep in touch.

                                                       Page 67

                        
76   CON TINUE D:                                                     76


                                 SIMON
                    So what are we getting back to? Apart
                    from a nice cup of tea and some knife
                    crime?

                                 TOBY
                    Constituency surgery in Northampton.

                                 SIMON
                    Great, meeting my constituents. It's like
                    being Simon Cowell, but without the
                    ability to say, `Fuck off, you're
                    mental.'


77   INT. CONSTITUENCY OFFICE. DAY.                                   77

     TOBY and SIMON are with Simon's constituency agent, ROZ,
     she's ushering them into the small, damp little
     constituency office. ROZ's arm is in a sling (Jo
     Scanlon's arm actually is in a sling) and she has
     difficulty opening the door

                                 ROZ
                           (to Simon)
                    Sorry, could you...? You just need to
                    kick the bottom quite hard.

     Simon kicks the bottom of the door to unstick it.

     Roz opens the door. There are a few constituents waiting
     to see Simon, he nods a hello.

                                 SIMON
                           (Roz has gone ahead, this is
                            to Toby)
                    Look at them. They all have that
                    smell....like a charity shop, you know?
                           (to constituents)
                    Afternoon!

     A couple of the waiting constituents respond. They go
     through to another little office.

                                 ROZ
                    Right, here you go, you're pretty booked
                    up - there's a list on the desk. I'm just
                    going to have a look at the guttering.

                                 SIMON
                    I'm just back from America, so it was
                    pretty tough to make it up here - but you
                    know. That's me.

                                 ROZ
                    Of course. Right. How was the
                    President?
                                                            Page 68

                        
77   CON TINUE D:                                                   77


     She's heading off.

                                 SIMON
                    Good actually.

                                 TOBY
                    And what was the White House like?

                                 SIMON
                    Blown up by spaceships.


78   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                    78

     General Miller & Aides up stairs


79   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - DAY                                    79

     General Miller (and an aide or two?) marches into Linton
     and Karen's section of State. He's got a meeting
     scheduled. He's a man on a mission.

     He marches straight past Bob Adriano ...

                                 MILLER
                           (by way of explanation)
                    Twelve-thirty.

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    Um, hold on General ...

     And into Linton's office.

     But - it's empty.
                                 MILLER
                    What the fuck?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    Yeah, Secretary Linton Barwick wanted me
                    to let you know his last - meeting looks
                    like it's over-running. He sends
                    apologies.

     Miller stands there for a beat. Very very annoyed.

                                 MILLER
                    He stood me up? They're better be a
                    fucking good reason. Like he's dead. That
                    is just plain fucking rude. I mean, how
                    would he like it if I just did a big
                    hairy shit on his desk?

                                 BOB ADRIANO
                    You're very w-welcome to wait, we have
                    newspapers and periodicals?
                                                         Page 69

                        
79   CON TINUE D:                                                   79


     He gestures to a seating area. Miller picks up a
     magazine. Rolls it up, looks at Bob Adriano. Might
     Miller, possibly, hit him?

                                 MILLER
                    Yeah well excuse me if at this time of
                    national crisis I don't sit with a thumb
                    up my ass flipping through Time magazine
                    eating pop tarts?
                           (he heads off fast - not
                            quite sure where he's going,
                            calls back as he goes)
                    Tell him to call me. But he might not get
                    through cos I'm a fucking busy man.

     He finds himself heading into Karen's office.

     It's empty. He stands there for a beat. Shuts the door.

     Looks around. Picks up a hole punch. Kicks the couch.
     Karen enters, surprised to find him there.

                                 KAREN
                    Hey, what is it?

                                 MILLER
                    Yeah - can I hang around in here for a
                    while?

                                 KAREN
                    Er. Sure. Why?

                                 MILLER
                    Do I need a fucking reason?
                           (beat, calming down)
                    Linton's playing me like a fucking turkey
                    drumstick on a big bass drum.

                                 KAREN
                    Look, I was going to order food, do you
                    want to eat.

                                 MILLER
                    Yeah. Order us some cute mammals. Alive.
                    A lamb or a piglet so I can snap it's
                    fucking neck.


     INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY
80                                                                  80
     Simon listens behind a desk. Roz is there taking notes.

     Toby is in the corner working on a laptop.



                                                         Page 70

                        
80   CON TINUE D:                                                    80


                                 MRS MCDAIRMID
                    My point is - if the septic tank - if we
                    didn't know it was there in the first
                    place how can we be responsible for it
                    now?

                                 SIMON
                    Yes. No. I understand.

                                 MRS MCDAIRMID
                    It's under the communal drive. Why should
                    we get it pumped?

                                 ROZ
                           (looking through the
                            paperwork)
                    Well it's not a council sceptic tank so
                    they're not legally obliged to pump it...

                                 MRS MCDAIRMID
                    Look, according to the paperwork there's
                    four metric tons of of shit under there.
                    That's not all me, is it? I'm not a
                    flipping elephant am I?

                                 SIMON
                    No, of course not. Nor should you be
                    treated like one. Okay, Mrs McDairmid.
                    Leave it with me. I'm sure there must be
                    a way through this. Alright?

     Mrs Kendrick heads out.

                                 ROZ
                    Er, Colin Lowe.
                                 SIMON
                    Jesus. Still on about bendy buses?
                           (thinks)
                    No. Tell him no. What else?

     Toby closes the laptop.

                                 ROZ
                    Pauline Michaelson's son about the
                    constituency office wall.

     Toby exits to get coffee as Roz brings in PAUL
     MICHAELSON.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                           (as he enters)
                    Hi, thanks for seeing me Mr. Foster.

                                 SIMON
                    Hi Paul, call me Simon. You've met Roz.

                                                           Page 71

                     
80   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          80


                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               I know I have.

                              SIMON
               Lovely.

                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               Okay, Simon, I'll try to keep it brief
               because I can see you're a busy man.
               There's a bloke out there wants to make
               it illegal to talk in a foreign language
               in shops.

                            SIMON
               Yes, well, this place can become a magnet
               for the mentally dispossessed. And for
               sensible people like yourself, Paul.

                              PAUL MICHAELSON
               Patronising.
                            ROZ
               Why don't you explain your issue, Mr
               Michaelson?

                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               I...sorry, is this a joke?
               How many times? For the fourth f...ing
               time.
                      (as to an idiot)
               The side wall. Of this property. Your
               wall. Is falling over. On to my mum's
               garden. She called you up - but she got
               fobbed off by your people. Because she's
               not Lord Snooty in his posh car. Because
               she's not Madonna on a horse.

                            SIMON
               That...I agree, it's unacceptable.

     Toby comes back in, hands Simon a coffee.

                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               Do you know what this is?
                      (he hums something
                       irritating)
               That's your constituency office hold
               music. I don't want it in my head, do I?

                            SIMON
                      (checks notes)
               We did arrange to get a quote from a
               builder, but...

     Roz has a call on the landline.


                                                      Page 72

                     
80   CON TINUE D: (3)                                          80


                            ROZ
               Patch from London. They say it's urgent.
               Karen Clark? Is she the coracle woman?

                            SIMON
               Right. Paul, I really need to take this,
               but I haven't forgotten about you, okay?

                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               No, well I'm not going anywhere, Simon.
               You won't be able to forget me because
               I'll be sitting here staring at you.

                            SIMON
               Toby, can I hand Paul over to you?

                            PAUL MICHAELSON
               "Can I fob Paul off with you?"

     Simon goes elsewhere in the room to take his call.
                            TOBY
               So, Paul, where are we up to?
                      (off Paul's scary look)
               I was out getting coffee. Sorry.

     He grabs a pen and paper.


81   INT. KAREN'S OFFICE'S OFFICE - DAY                         81

     (CHANGE SCENE ORDER)

     Later. General Miller is with Karen. They're surrounded
     by cartons of Chinese take-out.
                            GENERAL MILLER
                      (flicking through Liza's
                       paper)
               See, this is the problem with civilians
               wanting to go to war. When you've been
               there you don't want to go back unless
               you absolutely have to. It's like France.

                            KAREN
                      (re the paper in it's red
                       folder)
               You finally read Liza's paper?

                            GENERAL MILLER
               Course, I read it. I'm a voracious
               reader. I'm the fucking Gore Vidal of the
               Pentagon.
                      (pointing at a spring roll)
               You don't want that?


                                                      Page 73

                        
81   CON TINUE D:                                                     81


                                 KAREN
                    Yes I want that.
                           (points to various packages)
                    I want that, that, that, that and that.
                    Those I don't care about. And these let's
                    pack up and drop on North Korea.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                           (beat, reads)
                    Someone should leak this.

     Outside Liza sees them discussing her paper animatedly.
     It doesn't look good to her.

                                 KAREN
                    Someone maybe shaped a little bit like
                    you.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    Me? Are you kidding?
                                 KAREN
                    You have more gravitas.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                    Exactly. I'm too senior. I can't leak.
                    Leaking is for people like your Liza and
                    the Boy called It out there.
                           (eats)
                    It's insane. Not only is the case against
                    war incredibly strong, the case for is
                    caveated to hell.
                           (reading)
                    "Most analysts believe the state is
                    looking to expand aggressively beyond its
                    borders..." Then here in the caveats, the
                    only source is `Ice Man' - a possible
                    alcoholic - who's probably called that
                    cos he gets through ten bags / icebergs a
                    day in his fucking vodka tonics. INR say
                    we can't trust him. That's us disputing
                    our own findings. Has Linton read this?

                                 KAREN
                    I'm not sure he reads. You're a General.
                    Have him killed.

                                 GENERAL MILLER
                    You see this is why we never got
                    together. That and the hobo teeth.


82   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT/INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY            82

     Simon is talking to Karen.

                                                  INTERCUT PHONE CALL:
                                                            Page 74

                        
82   CON TINUE D:                                                    82


                                 KAREN
                    This is a private call right --
                    unrecorded, secure line etc etc?

                                 SIMON
                    Well, yeah. I mean, your lot are probably
                    getting it somehow, but our lot shouldn't
                    be.

     Paul Michaelson calls over.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    I'm still here, Simon.

                                 KAREN
                    What's going on Simon?

                                 SIMON
                    Departmental business. About a wall.
                                KAREN
                    Gaza?

                                 SIMON
                    Uh-huh. What can I do for you?

                                 KAREN
                    Where were you in the committee? I called
                    for back-up, you sat there like a dumb
                    sack of shit. Maybe worse, cos at a
                    molecular level a bag of shit is probably
                    fizzing with energy.

                                 SIMON
                    Well - okay. Yes. Um. Well, I have to say
                    Karen, I have a clear strategy here. I'm
                    playing the long game.

                                 KAREN
                    There is no long game. They've bounced us
                    into a short game. You looked like
                    a...what do you call it in England? A
                    'wanker

                                 SIMON
                    We don't call it that, no...

     But she's gone.


83   INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY                                 83

     Toby's still talking to Paul the wall guy.

                                 TOBY
                    Paul, look, mate...

                                                           Page 75

                        
83   CON TINUE D:                                                     83


                                   PAUL MICHAELSON
                    Patronising.

                                 TOBY
                    Sorry. But I'm on your side. I have to
                    look after my Mum too. You do, or they
                    get shafted don't they? So...

     Simon wants to talk.

     Roz takes over.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    I'm going to pursue this with, what do
                    they call it? Extreme prejudice, to the
                    very end. I can be enormously persistent.
                    Ask my ex-girlfriend.

                                 ROZ
                    Okay, well, I'll take your details.
     Roz leads Paul away

                                 SIMON
                    That guy's a bit full-beam.

                                   TOBY
                    Full-beam?

                                 SIMON
                    Yeah, full-beam. Headlights.
                           (he opens his eyes wide to
                            show what he means)
                    I kept thinking, is he going to nut me.
                    He appears not to be nutting me, but he
                    might well nut me.

                                 TOBY
                    So what did Karen Clark want?

                                 SIMON
                    Do you think I came over as weak on the
                    committee over there?

                                 TOBY
                    Well, uh, no, of course not. I suppose -

     Simon's phone goes again. He winces picks up.


84   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT/INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY            84

                                                  INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

                                 KAREN
                    Also - the war committee got leaked, and
                    that leak came from your department.
                                                            Page 76

                        
84   CON TINUE D:                                                     84


                                 SIMON
                    I find that difficult to believe.

                                 KAREN
                    I want action to be taken. I want a head.
                    On a plate. To go.

                                                      PHONE CALL ENDS:

     She hangs up.

                                 SIMON
                           (to the phone)
                    You don't work here. You're not my boss.
                    Fuck off. You can't make me sack people.


85   INT. DFID - DAY                                                  85

     Simon is getting into his office - he and Toby are back
     from the constituency office.

                                 SIMON
                    We need to talk in my office.

                                  JUDY
                    About what?

                                 SIMON
                           (patronising)
                    I think you know.

     A land line is ringing in the open plan office. Judy
     picks up. Simon has gone into his office and has assumed
     the bollocking position.
                                 JUDY
                           (taking call)
                    Sorry, this is the wrong extension. I'll
                    put you through now.

     Judy punches a button on her phone. Toby's land line
     starts ringing. Simon comes out.

                                 SIMON
                           (walking backwards into his
                            office)
                    Come, come into my office.

                                 JUDY
                    Why? Why do you need to see me?

                                 TOBY
                           (to Judy)
                    What's this?


                                                            Page 77

                        
85   CON TINUE D:                                                     85


                                 JUDY
                    It's the mad man about the wall.

                                TOBY
                    The war?

                                JUDY
                    The wall.

                                 SIMON
                           (following her out,
                            exasperated)
                    Can you come into my office so I can tell
                    you off?

     Toby answers his phone, resigned.

                                 TOBY
                    Hello. Can I help you?
     Malcolm sweeps in, straight past Toby, slapping him on
     the back of the head as he passes.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    You fucker.
                           (to phone)
                    No, not you.

     Malcolm pushes Judy back into Simon's office as she's
     leaving it, Simon behind Judy walks backwards to his
     desk, the three of them in a line. Malcolm shuts the door
     and unleashes a torrent of abuse we can't hear.


86   INT. PAUL MICHAELSON'S GARDEN/INT. DFID - CONTINUOUS             86
     Wall man Paul is on the phone, standing with a JOURNALIST
     by the offending wall, now badly propped up. The
     journalist is taking notes and photographs.

                                                  INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

                                 TOBY
                    What can I do for you Paul?

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    These `temporary buttresses' you got put
                    up.

                                TOBY
                    Right?

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    They're basically a pair of twigs. Thin
                    twigs.


                                                            Page 78

                        
86   CON TINUE D:                                                   86


                                 TOBY
                    I'm sure they're not twigs.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    No they're twigs.
                           (to Journalist)
                    Are you getting a picture of those twigs?
                    That wall could fall on my mum and crush
                    her. Do you know how old she is?
                           (calling off)
                    Mum, how old are you? I want to tell the
                    newspaper guy.

                                MUM (O.S.)
                    Sixty.

     During this conversation Malcolm arrives.

                                 MALCOLM
                    I want a word with the minister and
                    Charlotte Fucking Bronte.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    You're never fucking sixty. You're older
                    than that. Sixty. How old are you really?

                                 MUM (O.S.)
                    I'm sixty. If it's going in a newspaper,
                    I'm sixty.

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    Fuck off are you sixty. Olivia Newton-
                    John's fucking sixty. And she's not on
                    the statins, is she?
                                 TOBY
                    Could you tell your mum to stay away from
                    the wall just for the time being?

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    She needs to get to her plants.
                           (like Toby's an idiot)
                    She has to water them. Plants need water.

                                 TOBY
                    No, sure, but could she use a hose, from
                    a distance?

                                 PAUL MICHAELSON
                    She doesn't have a hose, she's got a
                    watering can. This is like talking to a
                    brick wall about a brick wall.
                           (to journalist)
                    Get that down, that's gold.

     Toby can still see Malcolm going ballistic at Simon and
     Judy in Simon's office.
                                                          Page 79

                    




87   INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER                       87

     Karen runs out of the lifts. There's even more of a buzz
     than usual, people running around. She sees Bob Adriano,
     Linton and Chad in a huddle in Linton's air. Hurries over
     to Liza.

                             KAREN
                Liza, what's up? Why is everyone running
                around? This better be a fucking fire
                drill.

                             LIZA
                The President has said he's vetoing
                tarrifs on Chinese auto imports.

                             KAREN
                Shit.
     Karen calls over to a staffer, ABBEY.

                             KAREN (CONT'D)
                Abbey, get me the president's statement.

                             ABBEY
                Mr Barwick has asked me to...

     Karen is   beginning to lose it.

                             KAREN
                You work to me, Abbey, you fucking work
                to me. Get me the statement. Or I will
                call security and have you escorted off
                the premises via the window.
     Karen crosses quickly to her office. Liza follows.

                             LIZA
                Sorry, why is that...? He's...what,
                buttering the Chinese up?

                             KAREN
                He needs them to at least abstain in the
                security council.

     A beat.

                             LIZA
                We're going to the UN.

                             KAREN
                Yes, we're going to the UN.

                             LIZA
                Shit.

                                                      Page 80

                          
87   CON TINUE D:                                                     87


     Karen kicks a waste-paper basket.

                                 KAREN
                    I should be told this fucking stuff!
                    I'm going into Linton's office and
                    pulling the pin on his grenade.

                                 LIZA
                    Don't do that.

                                 KAREN
                    I'm fucking joking.

                                  LIZA
                    Oh.

                                 KAREN
                    Why didn't you know about this?

                                 LIZA
                    Well since I created the budget deficit
                    the President doesn't tend to run things
                    by me anymore.

                                 KAREN
                    Don't get funny with me. I am not in the
                    mood.

                                 LIZA
                    No. I'm getting that.


88   INT. MALCOLM'S OFFICE - DAY                                      88

     Malcolm is with Simon and Toby. Malcolm has a local
     Northamptonshire paper.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (reading)
                    "While Foster jets around at the
                    taxpayer's expense, his constituency
                    headquarter's wall's collapsing and he
                    doesn't give a shit.

                                 SIMON
                    It doesn't say that.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (holding up paper)
                    No but it says `Wall-ace and Gromitt'

                                 SIMON
                    Wall-ace though?




                                                            Page 81

                        
88   CON TINUE D:                                                   88


                                 MALCOLM
                    You are being portrayed as the biggest
                    twat in Northamptonshire, and that's
                    going some.

                                 TOBY
                    It is just a wall, Malcolm.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Listen, my little stem cell, I don't want
                    to be dealing with this either, okay?
                    I've got bigger fucking fish to fry,
                    believe me. I'm rolling blue whales in
                    breadcrumbs at the moment. I'm giving
                    this to Jamie.

                                 SIMON
                    Oh great. The crossest man in Scotland.

     Jamie enters, holding another local rag.
                                 JAMIE
                    Well, if it isn't Humpty-Numpty...

                                 SIMON
                    What is this, surround bollocking?

                                 JAMIE
                    With respect, I haven't finished. If it
                    isn't Humpty-Numpty, sitting on top of a
                    collapsing wall like some clueless egg-
                    cunt.

                                SIMON
                    Hi Jamie.
                                TOBY
                    Hello.

                                 JAMIE
                    Okay, that's enough of the fucking
                    Oxbridge pleasantries.

                                 TOBY
                    How is saying "hello" a...

                                 JAMIE
                           (grabbing a hole-puncher)
                    Shut it, Love, Actually, or I'll hole-
                    punch your face.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of
                    the planet, okay?

     Simon, Toby and Jamie look at him.

                                                          Page 82

                     
88   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          88


                            MALCOLM (CONT'D)
               Don't look at me like that's arrogant.
               That is just a fucking fact. Don't even
               look at me.
                      (to Jamie)
               Be gentle with them.

                            JAMIE
               You know me, Malcy, kid gloves.   Made
               from real kids.

     Malcolm leaves.

     An awkward beat.

                            JAMIE (CONT'D)
               Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall
               story is playing badly.
                      (looking in his paper)
               Look, here's a cartoon of you as a
               walrus.

                            SIMON
               A walrus? I'm not fat. I don't even have
               a moustache.

                            TOBY
               Look...we hired some builders. They
               didn't turn up when they said they would.

                            JAMIE
               They're builders. What did you expect?!
               Have you ever seen a film where the hero
               is a builder? No. Because they never turn
               up in the fucking nick of time.That's why
               you never see a superhero with a hod.


89   EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE - A BIT LATER                            89

     Simon and Judy on their way into the foreign office.
     Malcolm has gone in ahead. Suzy chatting on the stairs
     with Toby.

     Simon draws Judy to one side.

                            SIMON
               This is all getting...this is a really
               stressful job, you know that?

                            JUDY
               Oh come on, you're not a brain surgeon,
               you're not a snooker player ...

                            SIMON
               I don't want to back a war, Judy.

                                                        Page 83

                        
89   CON TINUE D:                                                     89


                                 JUDY
                           (oh this is what it's about)
                    Oh. Right.

     A beat.

                                 SIMON
                    Look, drop some hints, put some nods and
                    winks out there, that I'm toying with
                    resignation. Yeah? See if the PM reacts.
                    See how it plays.

                                 JUDY
                    Put out some winks?

                                SIMON
                    And nods.

                                JUDY
                    Big nods?
                                 SIMON
                    No, no, just sort of...
                           (he does a small nod)
                    That sort of size nod.

     Judy nods.

                                 SIMON (CONT'D)
                    No, not that much.

                                 JUDY
                    No, I was just nodding normally to say I
                    understood the need for a small nod.
                                SIMON
                    Oh. Good.

     They head in.


90   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY                                        90

     In a nice room. Malcolm is with Michael, Suzy and a
     couple of other civil servants.

                                 MALCOLM
                    So, my lovely friends, bottom line...

                                 MICHAEL
                    I hate that phrase. We're not in
                    retailing

                                 MALCOLM
                    Sorry Michael, I promise never to use it
                    again.
                                 (MOR E)

                                                            Page 84

                        
90   CON TINUE D:                                                   90
                                 MAL COLM (CONT'D)
                    Bottom line, is that the President is
                    going to the UN, and the PM would like us
                    to join him. This will be the voe to
                    commence military action. So, Rob, Innis,
                           (to Toby)
                    Little Bo Cock Jockey
                           (to Judy)
                    And the leaky fucking mingebox, return to
                    your desks and prepare for some extreme
                    briefing.

     Two CIVIL SERVANTS get up and exit. Judy walks across the
     room and starts making calls, as does Toby. Michael walks
     off into the next room, Suzy follows. They start calling.

                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                    Now then, you still got doubts,
                    Complicated Simon?

                                 SIMON
                    What the fuck, Malcolm. This is all going
                    to spin along from here and we have a
                    vote and we go to war. We fight people,
                    and kill them, and our kids get killed,
                    and that's exactly the sort of thing I
                    didn't want to do when I went into
                    politics. That's the opposite of what I
                    want to be doing.

                                 MALCOLM
                    That's why you've got to stay in
                    Government. In here you can influence
                    things, delay things. Out there you're
                    just another mad shouty fucker people
                    don't want to make eye-contact with.
                    Remember Mary? She took a stand over
                    Health. Everyone decided she was mental.

                                 SIMON
                    Only because the Sun showed a photo of
                    her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.

                                 MALCOLM
                    I found that a very powerful image.
                           (a beat)
                    Look, the Prime Minister of this country
                    is not a Viking. He doesn't drink blood,
                    he doesn't go round biting tramps. He
                    doesn't go to Chequers at the weekend for
                    a bit of light raping and a pub lunch.

                                 SIMON
                    I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking,
                    Malcolm.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Unlike me, the man abhors physical
                    violence.
                                 (MOR E)
                                                         Page 85

                     
90   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          90
                            MAL COLM (CONT'D)
               He's a grade A fucking pussy and he knows
               you have similar concerns and he wants
               your input on this. Yeah?

                            SIMON
               Where's the intelligence? Where's the
               hard evidence?

                            MALCOLM
               Listen, We've got evidence harder than a
               diamond dildo. We have intelligence so
               deep and hard it would fucking puncture
               your kidneys.There's an informant, `Ice
               Man', OK? The stuff he's giving us? It'll
               make your blood run cold. And clot. Your
               insides will turn to black pudding.
                      (lowering his voice)
               ...now, certain box-lickers are sitting
               on it. But you're going to see it,
               because the PM regards you as a key
               player now.
     Judy's mobile goes.

                            JUDY
               Judy Molloy? (BEAT) Ten minutes. Thanks.
                      (to Simon)
               Prime Minister wants to speak to you in
               ten minutes, Simon. He want you to go the
               UN.

     Malcolm's heading out.

                            MALCOLM
               See- you're A-list now. You're a
               Kennedy. In the VIP lounge, with the gold
               card and the complimentary drinks and the
               hard-on.

     Malcolm leaves. A beat.

                            SIMON
                      (shouting to Malcolm)
               Show me the evidence, Malcolm, that's my
               fucking bottom line.

                            JUDY
               So do you still want...nods and winks?

     Simon nods a little nod. Then shakes his head slightly.
     Then nods a slight nod again.


91   INT. WESTMINSTER PUB - DAY                                  91

     Suzy, Michael and Judy are having a drink in a pub. Maybe
     they're sitting in a four seater booth?

                                                       Page 86

                        
91   CON TINUE D:                                                     91

     Their phones are on the table. As is a bottle of
     Sancerre. Judy's got her power walking trainers on and
     her rucksack with her.

                                 MICHAEL
                    Cheers everyone. Here's to surviving
                    another day.

     They clink glasses.

                                 JUDY
                    My theory is Malcolm built Jamie in a lab
                    out of bits of old psychopath.

     Toby arrives, dumps his coat, bag, puts his phone on the
     table.

                                 TOBY
                    Hello ladies.

                                 SUZY
                    And gentleman.

                                 TOBY
                           (doing the joke again)
                    Hello ladies. I'm just going to -

                                 MICHAEL
                    Oh. Lovely. I think we could have another
                    bottle of Sancerre.

                                TOBY
                    Great.

                                 SUZY
                    If you can afford it.
                                 JUDY
                    If you can get served at the bar.

     He goes to the bar. His phone gets a text. Suzy picks it
     up, reads it.

                                 SUZY
                    Fucking hell. Here we go again. Fucking
                    arsehole.

                                 MICHAEL
                    You're kidding? What's it say?
                           (peering at the phone)
                    Woah!

     Suzy shows the phone to Judy.

                                  JUDY
                    What a twat.
                           (beat)
                    What are you doing? Are you replying?
                                                            Page 87

                     
91   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          91


     Suzy's texting on Toby's mobile. Toby's coming back. Suzy
     puts the phone back down.

                            TOBY
               Yeah I wouldn't want to meet Jamie in a
               dark alley. Or a bright alley. The whole
               thing of just being in an alley with him
               would be scary, regardless of the
               lighting.

     Suzy cuts in.

                            SUZY
               You've got a text.

                            TOBY
                      (reading, covering)
               Oh yeah. It's just Rob about football.

                            SUZY
               So, Liza. You shagged her?

                              TOBY
               What? No.

                            SUZY
                      (to Judy)
               Did you know my flakey boyfriend has been
               getting his flakey end away?

                            JUDY
               I don't know anything about his flakey
               end.

                            TOBY
               Could we not talk about accusations and,
               health issues, in the pub?

                              JUDY
               I should go.

                            SUZY
               You haven't finished your drink.

                            JUDY
               No. I mainly have.

                            SUZY
               Why did you do it?

                            TOBY
               I don't know, it was a weird, intense
               time over there. It was...maybe,
               subconsciously, I don't know, it was a
               kind of last ditch attempt to stop this,
               awful...war.

                                                      Page 88

                     
91   CON TINUE D: (3)                                          91


     A beat. Michael and Judy dissolve into laughter.

                            MICHAEL
               That's classic. That's definitely going
               in the memoirs.

                            SUZY
               You had sex because of the war?

                            TOBY
               In the broad sense.
                      (to Judy and Michael)
               Sorry, can you stop doing that? Can we go
               somewhere where they're aren't enormous
               children eating snacks?

                              JUDY
               I should go.

                            SUZY
               Actually I'll go.

     She goes. Toby goes after her.

                            MICHAEL
                      (a beat)
               Shall we stay?

                            JUDY
               I should go. I've got a long walk ahead
               of me. But that'll keep me going.


92   INT. TOBY'S FLAT - EVENING                                92
     Toby lets himself into the flat. Goes through to the
     kitchen. Suzy is there with Michael.

                            TOBY
               What the fuck is he doing here?

                            SUZY
               What?! What the fuck are you doing here?

                            TOBY
               Well I live here.

                            SUZY
               No you don't actually.
                      (to Michael)
               I'll go make that tea.

     Suzy and Toby go into the kitchen.

                             TOBY
                      (beat)
               Well, if I'm leaving, I'm taking my brie.
                             (MOR E)
                                                     Page 89

                        
92   CON TINUE D:                                                     92
                                 TOB Y (CONT'D)
                    And the port. And my Nando's peri-peri
                    sauce.

     They go back out into the living room.

                                 SUZY
                    Don't forget your hydrocortisone.

                                 TOBY
                    You putting this in your memoirs as well?

                                   MICHAEL
                    I should go.

                                 SUZY
                    No, it's fine. Stay.


93   INT. TOBY'S FLAT - LATER                                         93

     Toby is in the bedroom. A few boxes are lying around.
     He's putting clothes into bin liners. Suzy is hovering.
     Michael brings through some teas. The atmosphere is very
     frosty and awkward.

                                 TOBY
                    Where's my needlecord jacket?

                                 SUZY
                    Your geography teacher's jacket?

     Toby thinks better of responding. Starts folding some
     shirts. Michael takes over

                                 MICHAEL
                    That's not how you fold.
                                 TOBY
                    Michael, this is one of the more
                    humiliating moments of my life. I can
                    pack a bag.

                                 MICHAEL
                    The key to travelling is packing.

                                 TOBY
                    I'm not going to fucking Fiji Michael,
                    I'm being chucked out of my house.

                                 MICHAEL
                    It'll save time the other end.

                                 TOBY
                    There is no other end.

     Toby moves through to the kitchen to get his jeans. Suzy
     and Michael follow.

                                                            Page 90

                        
93   CON TINUE D:                                                     93


                                 SUZY
                    Has she got big tits?

                                 TOBY
                    Massive. Enormous. You can see them on
                    Google Earth. They've got their own
                    postcode.

     Toby gets his jeans and some other clothes. He's laden
     down with boxes and bags and can hardly see. Comes out
     into the hall. Suzy is there without Michael.

                                 TOBY (CONT'D)
                    See you then.

                                SUZY
                    Okay.

     Toby struggles to open the front door. Suzy opens it.
     Toby goes to leave then stops.

                                 TOBY
                    Look, Suzy, this is probably going to
                    sound odd under the circumstances.

                                SUZY
                    Quickie?

                                 TOBY
                    No. Thank you. But no. It's about Liza.

                                 SUZY
                    Oh good tell me more, tell me more about
                    her tits.
                                 TOBY
                    Listen, Suze, Liza wrote a paper, Pwip-
                    Pip. I think, if it got leaked, it could
                    stop the war.

     He holds out the memory stick.

                                 MICHAEL
                    Good tactic. Get earnest. I tried that
                    with the wife. Didn't work.

                                 SUZY
                    You are such a fucking coward, you know
                    that? And this is what? A make up leak?

                                 TOBY
                    Does such a thing exist?




                                                            Page 91

                     
93   CON TINUE D: (2)                                          93


                            SUZY
               Toby, take your rubbish clothes and your
               back issues of Mojo, your flute, and
               your eighth of dope and leave me the fuck
               alone.

     Toby leaves the memory stick in the flat. Then heads out.


94   INT. CAR - DAY                                               94

     Simon, Toby and Judy are on the way to Heathrow.

                            SIMON
               Should I resign? I've floated that I
               might, when I thought I wouldn't, so
               it'll look convincing if I did. I mean,
               do you think, is it braver to just resign
               and say, `No, no war'?
                            JUDY
               Yes.

                            SIMON
               Or is it actually braver to say, `I don't
               agree, but I'm going to grit my teeth and
               get on with it?' Is the really brave
               thing actually doing what you don't
               believe?

                            JUDY
               No.

                            TOBY
               Though -- maybe? What's brave about doing
               the `right thing'? Nothing. Doing the
               wrong thing is braver. In a way. I mean,
               you know, wars sometimes work. The War of
               Independence, that worked. For the
               Americans. Second World War. That was a
               good idea. I mean not a good idea but ...

                            SIMON
               I know what you mean. And the Crimean War
               -- we got nurses out of that.

                            TOBY
               Nurses are good.

                            SIMON
                      (as if they've achieved
                       something)
               Exactly. So...right. Exactly.

                            JUDY
               So you're not resigning?

                                                        Page 92

                        
94   CON TINUE D:                                                     94


                                 SIMON
                    No, I..(trying to change the subject)
                    where's Malcolm?


95   INT. AIRPORT ARRIVALS - DAY                                      95

     Judy, Simon and Toby are walking past a baggage carousel.

                                 SIMON
                           (conspiratorially to Toby)
                    In the motorcade. Let's get a car without
                    Judy.

                                 TOBY
                    You want hookers? You like hooky fucky?

                                 SIMON
                    I want to talk about the resigning thing.
                                TOBY
                    Still?

                                 SIMON
                    But with you and not her. She has this
                    air of moral righteousness that inhibits
                    you from... saying anything morally
                    wrong.


96   INT. LIMO - DAY                                                  96

     Simon and Toby looking very uptight. Malcolm's with them.

                                 MALCOLM
                           (looking at phone)
                    So. The wires are all currently reporting
                    that you're going to resign from
                    government over the war.

                                 SIMON
                    What? That wasn't supposed to get
                    outside.

                                 MALCOLM
                    Yeah well it is outside. It's lurking
                    outside like a big hairy rapist at a
                    coach station.

     Simon looks to Toby for help.

                                 MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                    Do you know, if I could I'd punch you
                    into total paralysis.



                                                            Page 93

                   




     INT. UN BUILDING - DAY
97                                                              97
     Malcolm, Simon, Toby and Judy are being led through a
     bleak, soulless basement corridor in the UN by Sir
     Jonathan Tutt, the British ambassador to the UN.

                            SIR JONATHAN
               Hello, gentlemen, Sir Jonathan Tutt. This
               is it. The United Nations.

                            SIMON
               It's all a bit `blurrrgh', isn't it?

                            JUDY
               It could do with a few more scatter
               cushions and a bit less asbestos.

                            SIR JONATHAN
               I don't know what you were expecting --
               Jacobean panelling perhaps, arabesques of
               stonework tracery... great fountains...

                            MALCOLM
               It's a shithole. It looks like a hospice
               for robots.

     They pass a big office.

                            SIR JONATHAN
               Linton Barwick is in there. Karen Clark
               is there. You're right here.

     Sir Jonathan shows them to their office.
                            SIR JONATHAN (CONT'D)
               If you need anything, just whistle. You
               know how to whistle don't you Malcolm?
               You just put your lips together and blow.

     Malcolm and Toby look at one another.

                            SIR JONATHAN (CONT'D)
               Right. I'm off upstairs to the informal
               delegates' reception. Hope there's
               nibbles, I'm ravenous.

     Sir Jonathan leaves.

                            MALCOLM
               Nibbles? Who still says nibbles?

                            TOBY
               Fuck the nibbles, what was with the
               homoerotic tension?

     Malcolm gets a call.
                                                      Page 94

                         
97    CON TINUE D:                                                   97


                                  MALCOLM
                     Jamie. Hello?

      He looks at his phone.

                                  MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                     No fucking signal down here. Jesus.
                     I'd be better off in an internet cafe in
                     Kircoddy.

      He leaves the room.


98    INT. NUMBER 10 - SAME TIME                                      98

      Jamie is on the phone, running down a corridor.

                                  JAMIE
                     Okay, your phone's off, which means
                     you've been shot dead by a fat American,
                     but there's been a fucktastrophe.
                     Someone's leaked Liza Weld's Pwip Pip
                     paper to the BBC. I reckon it'll be on
                     the Six O'Clock news here, one o'clock
                     your time, so it's going to fist your
                     fucking vote apart. Missing you loads,
                     pwip-pip, toodle-oo!


99    EXT. UN BUILDING - DAY                                          99

      Malcolm finishing listening to his voicemail, dialling
      and running back into the building, pushing past a crowd
      of smokers at the doorway.
                                  MALCOLM
                     Okay Jamie, two jobs. One: find the Pwip
                     Pip leaker and kill them. That's one job.
                     Job one has two parts. Job two: stop Pwip
                     Pip coming out. Sow enough seeds of fear
                     and doubt that the fat arses at the BBC
                     dither till after the vote, okay? After
                     the vote Enola Gay is cleared for take-
                     off and everything is groovy.   I love
                     you.


100   INT. UN FUNCTION ROOM/BAR - CONTINUOUS                         100

      Lots of delegates drinking and eating and chatting. We
      glimpse Linton, Karen, General Miller. Sir Jonathan is
      there, mingling.

      Malcolm approaches Simon, Toby, Judy and Sir Jonathan.



                                                          Page 95

                           
100   CON TINUE D:                                                  100


                                  MALCOLM
                            (to Sir Jonathan)
                     Do not move from this spot or I'll
                     fucking stab you.

                                   SIR JONATHAN
                     Hm?

                                  MALCOLM
                            (to Simon)
                     Was it you?

                                  SIMON
                     No, what? No.

                                  MALCOLM
                     But you know what I'm talking about?

                                  SIMON
                     No, but whatever it was I didn't do it.
                                  MALCOLM
                            (to Toby)
                     Was it you, The-Baby-From-Eraserhead?

                                   TOBY
                     No.

                                  MALCOLM
                            (to Judy)
                     So it must have been you Woman from The
                     Crying Game?

                                  JUDY
                     It wasn't me. You've really got it in for
                     me haven't you?

                                  MALCOLM
                     Someone's dropped a bollock in the
                     noodles and I reckon it was you.

                                  JUDY
                     We've done this all before. You accused
                     me of leaking last time and it wasn't me.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Yeah well I know you didn't leak last
                     time. But what I reckon is you got so
                     pissy about being accused, you leaked
                     this time.

                                  TOBY
                     Yeah. Yeah, that does sound possible.

                                  JUDY
                     Look Springer Spaniel, keep your little
                     wet nose out alright?
                                                             Page 96

                      
100   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         100


                             TOBY
                I'm just saying psychologically speaking
                that sounds plausible - that you might
                build up a resentment and then pay it off
                in some underhand way. That's just
                something I've observed.

      Malcolm's had enough goes over and grabs Sir Jonathan,
      mid-conversation, and manhandles him away.

                             MALCOLM
                Come on, Baldermort, I need a word.

      Meanwhile Judy and Toby are left alone - Toby embarrassed
      about his comments.

                             TOBY
                       (they look at each other)
                Sorry about that - it's just ...
                       (mumbles)
                something I've observed.

                             JUDY
                Wanker. It's okay. It's fine. It's
                probably just the stress of this awful,
                awful war.

      Malcolm drags the ambassador into a corner.

                             MALCOLM
                We're in a new reality now and You've got
                to speed things up.

                             SIR JONATHAN
                What things? Speed up what?
                             MALCOLM
                The debate. It needs to start at eleven
                o'clock, not one thirty.

                             SIR JONATHAN
                Hehe. Can I perhaps briefly explain the
                way the process works? And why that isn't
                possible? You see through that door there
                are a number of secretariats that are
                currently doing what we call the washing
                up now...

                             MALCOLM
                Just fucking do it, fishlips. Otherwise
                you'll find yourself in some medieval
                warzone in the Caucasus with your arse in
                the air, trying to persuade a group of
                men in balaclavas that sustained sexual
                violence is not the way forward.


                                                       Page 97

                      
100   CON TINUE D: (3)                                         100


                             SIR JONATHAN
                No, it can't be. I mean it could be done,
                it just can't.

                             MALCOLM
                Then I'll do it.
                       (motioning to a door)
                They're through there?

                             SIR JONATHAN
                Yes but you can't go in, that would be a
                serious breach of protocol ...

      He's blocking Malcolm. Malcolm grabs his hand.

                             MALCOLM
                Then you do it. Get in there.

      He is almost man-handling him in.
                             SIR JONATHAN
                I'm not dancing with you Malcolm.

                             MALCOLM
                I'm leading, look follow my lead.

                             SIR JONATHAN
                You're not dancing me into the
                secretariat!

      Jonathan breaks off and under his own steam prepares to
      go in.

      As Malcolm is leaving Miller blocks his path.
                             MALCOLM
                Where's the intel? Are you sure you're
                working as hard as me? Cos I'm sweating
                spinal fluid here. I'm a husk.

                             MILLER
                You get everything you need?

                             MALCOLM
                       (in a hurry)
                Oh yeah I think so. Thanks.
                       (a beat, thinks)
                Oh, Whoa whoa whoa just a wee moment
                General Flintstone. Was it you? Did you
                leak Pwip Pip? I know you can't fire a
                gun, but can you use a fax?

                             MILLER
                No, see, because I'm upfront about what I
                do. I don't creep around like some
                fucking gay mercenary doing other
                people's dirty work.
                                                       Page 98

                      
100   CON TINUE D: (4)                                         100


                             MALCOLM
                I'm doing my own work. I'm doing my job.

                             MILLER
                Uh-hu. I think you're doing Linton's
                dirty work. I think you're his English
                bitch and if I walked into your hotel
                room tonight I'd find you on all fours in
                fishnets and him hanging out the back of
                you.

                             MALCOLM
                Oooo. Tough talk from the armchair
                General. What you going to do? Throw a
                cushion at me? Put your feet up on a poof
                and go back to sleep why don't you?

                             GENERAL MILLER
                Listen, Tucker, you may be some scary
                poodlefucker back in London, but here?
                You know what you look like? A fucking
                squeezed dick. You got a blue vein
                running all the way up to your temple
                there. That's where I'd put the fucking
                bullet. But I'd stand well back. You look
                like you'd be a squirter.

                             MALCOLM
                Have you ever even killed anybody?
                Really?

                             GENERAL MILLER
                Yep.

                             MALCOLM
                Falling asleep on someone doesn't count.

                             GENERAL MILLER
                       (closer)
                I've done my share. How many you kill,
                pussy drip?

                             MALCOLM
                Personally, I prefer maiming.

                             GENERAL MILLER
                Go on, tough guy, take a swing at me.
                I'll smack you so fucking hard you'll be
                shitting teeth.

                             MALCOLM
                Go ahead. I can see the headlines now.
                'Peace-Loving General Starts Fight In UN,
                Swiss Intervene'. I don't know, I'm no
                expert on spin but could that hurt your
                career?

                                                       Page 99

                      
100   CON TINUE D: (5)                                         100


      They eyeball each other. Is Miller going to hit him? He
      doesn't.

                             MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                Right. Do excuse me. I've got work to do.
                Oh, and don't EVER call me fucking
                English again.


101   INT. UN CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY                              101

      Sir Jonathan walks in. A lot of faces are turned towards
      him, expectantly.

                             SIR JONATHAN
                Hello everyone. I was wondering if I
                might suggest a cheeky early vote? Bit of
                an adventure. Maybe, we could knock off
                early, go for a drink? Ha. I'm kidding.
                Or am I? No, I am.

102   INT. KAREN CLARK'S UN OFFICE - DAY                         102

      Karen and Miller are looking at a computer screen,
      presumably reading about Simon's floated resignation.

                             KAREN
                       (looking at computer)
                There it is. Simon's going. Everyone's
                saying he's going.

      Simon passes their open door.

                             GENERAL MILLER
                       (spotting Simon)
                Simon! There he is! Simon.
                       (re internet)
                This is great shit. I wasn't sure you had
                the nerve. You're resigning?

                             SIMON
                Ah okay. They're not running with that? I
                have not said that.

                             GENERAL MILLER
                You're not resigning?

                             KAREN
                You're still playing the hawk?

                             SIMON
                It's much subtler than that. It's
                nuanced. I'm playing a much cleverer game
                than that. I'm a
                       (whispering)
                fake hawk.
                                                      Page 100

                         
102   CON TINUE D:                                                102


                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     I'm sorry?

                                  SIMON
                            (whispering)
                     Fake hawk.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     You're a fake hawk? You're a fucking
                     idiot. You're not a fake idiot are you.

      Karen and Miller go into a confab.

      Karen and Miller immediately go into a huddle and start
      planning Simon's future.

                                  KAREN
                            (to General Miller, as if
                             Simon's not there)
                     We could just tell the press he's going
                     anyway. Say he's confirmed to us that
                     he's resigning.

                                  SIMON
                     Sorry?

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     I second that.

                                  SIMON
                     What? You can't.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     Do we announce it before or after the
                     vote?
                                  KAREN
                     During. Then he can't do anything about
                     it.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     Great. That's decided then.

                                  SIMON
                     No. No it's bloody not. I'm - me. You're
                     not me. I decide about all the main
                     things about me, okay? Not you. Me.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     No. No Simon. I'm afraid not. Not on this
                     one. This is too big for you.

                                  KAREN
                     Be realistic. You're being used. We all
                     are. The one thing we can do now to
                     influence things is to resign. Sacrifice
                     ourselves. That's our only weapon.
                                                          Page 101

                      
102   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         102


                             SIMON
                Like a suicide bomber?

                             GENERAL MILLER
                No, not like a suicide bomber. A suicide
                bomber gets to make a decision.


103   INT. ANOTHER UN OFFICE - DAY                               103

      Toby and Liza are sitting near each other on the floor
      working on laptops. They're at right-angles to each
      other. Toby has a view of Liza. She's facing away from
      him.

                             TOBY
                Listen, I'm really sorry about Suzy and
                the texting and ...

                             LIZA
                Good. Thanks. Do you have figures there
                for CFE minimum requirements?

                             TOBY
                Er?

                             LIZA
                Conventional Forces in Europe.

                             TOBY
                Sure. I'll just dig that out.
                       (beat, taps on his laptop,
                        then very quietly)
                Look it was a very special evening for me
                and ...
                             LIZA
                       (pissed off)
                Sorry? What? You're mumbling.

                             TOBY
                I just wandered if tonight when all this
                shit is over we couldn't - you know.
                You're single. I'm single now. You're a
                woman. I'm not.

                             LIZA
                You want to have sex again?

                             TOBY
                It's not a terrible idea is it? One more.
                For the Gipper?

                             LIZA
                You know what a douchbag is Toby? You're
                a douchbag on fucking wheels.

                                                      Page 102

                         
103   CON TINUE D:                                                103


                                  TOBY
                     Thanks. That was short and sweet. Well,
                     short and sour.


104   INT. UN MEDITATION ROOM - DAY                                    104

      Simon is sitting in the Meditation Room, a stark chapel-
      like room with a big piece of granite in the middle of
      it. He's biting his nails, thinking.

      Judy comes in.

                                 JUDY
                     You okay?

                                  SIMON
                     I'm thinking of becoming a suicide
                     bomber.
                                  JUDY
                     That's certainly a very powerful way of
                     getting your point across.

      He pulls out some mints.

                                  SIMON
                     Would you like a mint?

                                  JUDY
                     I'm okay thanks. Are you thinking to
                     overdose on mints? Because...

      Simon eats a mint.
      He's lost in his own world. Staring, maybe slightly
      nodding at the thoughts in his own head.

                                  SIMON
                     Do you like me Judy?

                                  JUDY
                     You're my boss.

                                  SIMON
                     Yeah, but do you actually like me.

      A beat.

                                  JUDY
                     Sure. Look, I'll leave you to your
                     thoughts.




                                                            Page 103

                         
104   CON TINUE D:                                                104


                                  SIMON
                     I haven't got any thoughts. I'm just
                     staring vacantly into space while a
                     distant voice in the back of my head goes
                     "oh shit" like a car alarm in the middle
                     of the night.

      Simon eats another mint. Sits there noisily sucking it.
      Judy leaves.


105   INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY                                      105

      Michael and Suzy are sitting talking in an FO office.

      Jamie bursts in.

                                    JAMIE
                     Was it you?
                                    MICHAEL
                     Sorry?

                                  JAMIE
                     Not you. I know it wasn't you, you're too
                     fucking horny for your Knighthood.
                            (TO SUZY)
                     Was it you?

                                    SUZY
                     Was what me?

                                  JAMIE
                     Was it fucking you!? Answer the question!
                                  MICHAEL
                     She can't very well answer the question
                     if you don't tell her what it is, can
                     she?

                                  JAMIE
                     Fuck off to your room, Count of Cunty
                     Cristo, this is between me and her.
                            (to Suzy)
                     You leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC.
                     Tell me you leaked it.

                                  SUZY
                     I didn't leak anything. I don't know what
                     you're talking about.

                                  JAMIE
                     You're lying. You touched your nose.
                     That's what's called a `tell'. You are
                     lying.


                                                          Page 104

                         
105   CON TINUE D:                                                105


                                    SUZY
                     No I'm not.

                                  JAMIE
                     `No I'm not.' That's a tell as well.
                     Classic.
                            (changing tack to terror)
                     I know the leak came from here, from this
                     fucking fax machine here.

      He pushes a fax casually off the table onto the floor.

                                  JAMIE (CONT'D)
                     This is what I'm doing to the machine.
                            (he kicks it, hard till bits
                             start to break off, but he's
                             still quite controlled
                             talking, as he kicks more)
                     You see? This is how angry I am with the
                     piece of office equipment which leaked
                     this document, so can you imagine how
                     angry I am with the person who did it?
                     Yeah? Can you Suzy?

      He kicks the fax machine again.

                                    MICHAEL
                     It was me.

                                  JAMIE
                     Oh fuck off. Don't come over all
                     Spartacus now.

                                    MICHAEL
                     I leaked it.
                                    JAMIE
                     What?

      Advances on Michael, becomes aware of the music. Jamie
      points to the CD player.

                                  JAMIE (CONT'D)
                     Okay for a start turn that fucking row
                     off. It's just fucking vowels. Listen to
                     it. Just subsidised fucking foreign
                     vowels. You only listen to that shit
                     because it's bad form to actually wear a
                     big hat that says "I went to private
                     school".

      Michael doesn't turn it off, so Jamie does.

                                  JAMIE (CONT'D)
                     Who did you leak it to?


                                                          Page 105

                      
105   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         105


                             MICHAEL
                I just sent it. I thought it was
                important so I sent it through.

                             JAMIE
                       (considers then, )
                Ok. See this fax machine?(kick) That's
                your career. I'm pretty sure it's fucked.
                Let me just check (kick). Yeah, it is.
                Plus, breach of Official Secrets, so
                that's fucking swannee. Maybe you can get
                a part time job in West End as a
                gentleman's fluffer. Or whatever the fuck
                they call it these days.

      Jamie is heading off.

                             MICHAEL
                Well, you know -- better to go out with a
                bang...
                             JAMIE
                No, no. I will not allow this to be a
                bang. This will be a whimper, a tiny
                pathetic whimper like a puppy being
                fucked by a big metal puppy-fucking
                machine. And they do exist, `cos my
                gran's got one.

      Jamie leaves.


106   INT. UN MEDITATION ROOM - DAY                                106

      Malcolm and Linton enter. We see Simon's mints lying on
      the big stone in the middle of the room.

                             LINTON
                So we're down to the wire here, Mr
                Miracle Worker, what have you got for me?
                What intel have you rustled us up?

                             MALCOLM
                Honestly? I haven't got it. We need more
                time.

                             LINTON
                You haven't got it? Can you delay the
                vote to give you time to get it?

                             MALCOLM
                No. I've had the vote brought forward.

      Simon comes in to retrieve his mints.

                             SIMON
                Just getting my mints.
                                                        Page 106

                         
106   CON TINUE D:                                                106


                                  LINTON
                     I am telling you to delay the vote and
                     get me some new intel. Now.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Okay, quick reality check, J Edgar
                     Fucking Hoover. I don't work for you. You
                     don't tell me what to fucking do.

                                  LINTON
                     Well firstly, don't raise your voice.
                     This is a sacred space. You may not
                     believe that, I may not believe that, but
                     by God it's a useful hypocrisy. And
                     secondarily you do work for me. Your
                     prime minister instructed you to work for
                     me.

      Malcolm glances at Simon.
                                  MALCOLM
                     Get your Polos and fuck off.

      Simon stays where he is. Linton starts laughing. Toby
      enters, watches in amazement.

                                  LINTON
                     The great Malcolm Tucker. One of your
                     guys has leaked a paper, you can't do
                     anything. We tell you to get intel, you
                     can't do anything. I need the vote put
                     back - you can't do anything. You, sir,
                     are a useless piece of `S' star star `T'.

      A beat.
                                  MALCOLM
                            (quietly, to Toby)
                     What do you want?

                                  TOBY
                     We've just heard -- the wall's starting
                     to collapse. A brick has fallen. That's
                     the news I'm getting. More to follow.
                     Both news and bricks.

      Linton laughs again.

                                  LINTON
                     Why don't you deal with that Tucker? A
                     wall is falling down, that's more your
                     level. I can see you with your shirt off
                     and a wheelbarrow whistling a happy song.

      Linton walks out.


                                                          Page 107

                      
106   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         106


                             SIMON
                You've been working for him?

                             MALCOLM
                It's complicated, okay? I've been
                juggling a number of responsibilities.

      Simon stares at Malcolm. He takes a mint and pops it in
      his mouth.

                             SIMON
                Okay, well, right, after the vote, I
                resign.

                             MALCOLM
                Look. It's too late now. Resigning. It's
                not worth it. The horse has bolted. It's
                out there getting shot now.

                             SIMON
                I'll see you later, Malcolm.

      Simon exits.

                             MALCOLM
                       (to Toby)
                If you repeat this to anyone I will pull
                your leg off, break it in two and stab
                you to death with your broken shin bone.
                Now go away.

      Toby leaves.

      Malcolm sits down, head in his hands.

107   INT. UN FUNCTION ROOM - SAME TIME                           107

      The delegates are still mingling. Toby is there now.
      Toby's phone goes. He answers.

                             TOBY
                       (into phone)
                Suzy, how's it going? Has Jamie been
                round? Right...

      Liza comes over.

                             LIZA
                This is you, isn't it?

                             TOBY
                       (indicating himself)
                This is me, yes. And that's you. I
                thought we had this worked out.
                       (into phone)
                             (MOR E)

                                                       Page 108

                         
107   CON TINUE D:                                                107
                                  TOB Y (CONT'D)
                     Sorry Suze I've got an incoming call,
                     I'll ring back for a further bollocking.

                                  LIZA
                     I've got something big lined up and you
                     better not have fucked it up for me.

      Liza leaves.

                                  TOBY
                            (into phone)
                     Hello? Oh hi, Paul. How's it going? No,
                     yes, I know the wall is collapsing. I'm
                     as frustrated as you are mate.

      The Vice President starts to walk by. Toby sees him,
      wants to shake his hand.

                                  TOBY (CONT'D)
                     Look, could I call you back Paul? It's
                     just the Vice President's ... I couldn't?
                     No, okay, let's keep talking...

      The Vice President has gone.


      INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - SAME TIME
108                                                                  108
      Michael and Suzy in Michael's office, classical music in
      the background. Michael's clearing his desk, putting
      stuff in boxes. Jamie bursts in on Michael and Suzy, his
      phone still on.

                                  JAMIE
                     Right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got
                     good news. You're not fired. That's great
                     news, isn't it?

                                  MICHAEL
                     That sounds ominous.

                                  JAMIE
                     He's fucking delighted.
                            (cancels phone)
                     We want to put Liza Weld's Pwip Pip out
                     there, properly. In the public domain. We
                     just have to refine it a bit.

                                  SUZY
                     Refine it?

                                  JAMIE
                     Take out the cons, change the name of the
                     main informant.

                                  MICHAEL
                     That's a complete fabrication.

                                                          Page 109

                           
108   CON TINUE D:                                                  108


                                  JAMIE
                     Changing his name doesn't make a
                     difference. The main source in there he's
                     not really called Ice Man, is he? "Mr and
                     Mrs Man, you've got a son, Ice." So we
                     change it, to another name. Who's the
                     fuck with the fiddle? The Fiddlefuck.

                                  MICHAEL
                     This is Debussy, if that's what you mean.

                                  JAMIE
                     Okay, we'll call him Debussy.

                                   MICHAEL
                     No.

                                  JAMIE
                     And then you'll make a couple of other
                     changes. It'll mean your fingerprints are
                     on it, Mikey, but it's the only way to
                     save your job, you leaky fuck.

      Michael is now scared of what he's being asked to do.

                                  MICHAEL
                     It wasn't me, Jamie, alright? It wasn't
                     me. Don't make me do this. Someone else
                     must have come in and used the fax
                     machine.

                                  JAMIE
                     What? Oh, that thing about your fax?
                     Don't worry about that. I made that up.
                     The paper was sent by e-mail. It;s just,
                     the fax machine was there and it;s easier
                     to kick.

      Michael looks at Suzy. She doesn't know what to say or
      do.

                                  JAMIE (CONT'D)
                            (grabbing Michael)
                     Come on Deuce Bigalow. You're coming with
                     me.

      He drags Michael out of the office.


109   INT. UN CORRIDOR - DAY                                           109

      On the closed door of the Meditation Room. Malcolm
      suddenly bursts out, re-energised, ready for action. He's
      in the middle of a call.



                                                            Page 110

                         
109   CON TINUE D:                                                109


                                  MALCOLM
                     Yeah, BBC newsdesk please. Malcolm
                     Tucker. (BEAT) Ben? Hi, how you doing?
                     Yeah, well, I'm hearing you're preparing
                     a story that we might not like.

      One of the doors he pushes open has a coffee machine in
      it. Toby is there getting a coffee. Malcolm gestures to
      him to come along. Toby joins Malc in his jog through the
      corridors, spilling his coffee on his hands as he goes
      and scalding himself.

                                  MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                     I just want to say please, this garden
                     wall story, please don't run with it.
                            (beat, winks at Toby - you
                             getting this?)
                     Simon Foster's constituency-office wall?
                     You've got that haven't you? I haven't
                     let the cat out of the bag? Shit. Look,
                     my reputation will be in tatters if you
                     run with...
                            (to Toby)
                     And he's gone. Boo hoo. I've got a hard
                     on.

                                  TOBY
                     Can we stop running because my hands are
                     really rather badly burned now.

      They stop.

                                  MALCOLM
                     I know it was you who leaked Linton's War
                     Committee.
                                  TOBY
                     Oh? Right.
                            (tries it out for size)
                     It wasn't?

                                  MALCOLM
                     Are you telling me it wasn't you? Is that
                     your proposition? Is that want you want
                     to say if I ask them to fly you to Diego
                     Garcia and slip a hood over your head and
                     carry out a cavity search?

                                  TOBY
                            (covering)
                     I don't actually recall. It was a busy
                     time.

                                  MALCOLM
                     That's more like it. So...you are now on
                     probation. Okay?
                                  (MOR E)

                                                          Page 111

                      
109   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         109
                                MAL COLM (CONT'D)
                   I am giving you a probationary period,
                   which will last from today...until the
                   end of recorded time.

                               TOBY
                   Okay.

                                MALCOLM
                   You're my guy now. I own you now. You're
                   my Kunte Kinte. Go and get your laptop.

      Toby goes.

      Malcolm pushes open another door. Sir Jonathan Tutt is in
      there.

                                MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                   Ah, ambassador -- with your big baldy
                   head you are spoiling us.

                                SIR JONATHAN
                   Good, I've been looking for you. I needed
                   to tell you that by a huge personal
                   effort -- huge --I have managed to bring
                   the vote forward by an hour and a half.

                                MALCOLM
                   Great. I need it delayed now.

                                SIR JONATHAN
                   Very funny. That is funny.

                                MALCOLM
                   By an hour, at least. Although I guess
                   two and a half hours now, as you've
                   brought it forward.
                                SIR JONATHAN
                   No, I'm sorry I'm very sorry but I won't
                   humiliate myself again.

                                MALCOLM
                   You do what I say or you can go and see
                   if Belize are looking for a new
                   ambassador but with a broken nose, one
                   bollock, and a half-chewed cock.


110   INT. UN CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY                                110

      Sir Jonathan walks in. A lot of faces are turned towards
      him, expectantly.

                                SIR JONATHAN
                   Right. What can I say? ......



                                                        Page 112

                      




111   INT. TINY OFFICE                                            111

      Jamie has taken Michael into a tiny windowless office.
      Michael's hunched at his laptop, looking at the Pwip-Pip
      document on his computer. Jamie stands right over him,
      ominously.

                             JAMIE
                       (to Michael re: the office)
                This is nice isn't it? Cosy. Away from
                prying eyes.

                             MICHAEL
                So what's this, your political wet-room?

      Jamie's phone goes.


112   INT. UN CORRIDOR/TINY OFFICE - DAY                          112
      Toby is standing in front of Malcolm, holding his laptop
      up for Malcolm to look at and a physical copy of the red
      Pwip-Pip folder. He's also got the Pwip-Pip file on
      screen.

                             MALCOLM
                Is it up, have you got it up?

                             JAMIE
                Yeah it's all fine.

                             MALCOLM
                Okay, go to page nine, highlight that.
                             JAMIE
                       (to Michael)
                Go to page nine.

      Michael does.

                             MALCOLM
                Highlight from that page to the end of
                the document.

                             JAMIE
                Do you mean select?

                             MALCOLM
                I don't know I don't use these things.

                             JAMIE
                       (to Michael)
                Select page nine to the end of the
                document.


                                                      Page 113

                         
112   CON TINUE D:                                                112


                                    MICHAEL
                     The caveats?

      Michael does it.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Is it highlighted?

                                  JAMIE
                     You mean selected, yeah it's selected.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Okay, right, standby ... delete!

                                  JAMIE
                            (to Michael)
                     Delete!

                                  MICHAEL
                            (subdued)
                     You can't just delete the arguments
                     against the war.

      Michael stops what he's doing.

                                  MALCOLM
                            (to Toby)
                     Messenger! Get Messenger up!

      Toby sticks Pwip-Pip in his mouth so he's got a hand free
      to initiate MSN messenger.

                                  JAMIE
                     Oh hang on Malc. Michael's stopped
                     moving. I think he's crashed.
      Malcolm types something on the laptop while Toby holds it
      up for him.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Have you tried hitting him? Give him a
                     thump, that usually works.

                                  JAMIE
                     Hang on, I think I might be able to use
                     manual over-ride.

      Jamie picks up Michael's hand and pulls out his index
      finger and places it on the delete key.

                                  JAMIE (CONT'D)
                     No, it's okay. It's working again.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Great. Now attach that to email.


                                                           Page 114

                      
112   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         112


                             JAMIE
                       (to Michael)
                Attach that to an email.

                             MALCOLM
                       (to Toby)
                Right, let's find a printer. The
                Japanese, they'll have one. They've got
                everything.


113   INT. UN CORRIDOR - DAY                                      113

      Malcolm approaches Toby.

                             MALCOLM
                Get me a blue folder.

                               TOBY
                Where from?
                             MALCOLM
                I don't fucking know. Do I look like I've
                ever set foot in a stationary cupboard? I
                do my shagging in five star hotels. Now
                go and find me a blue fucking folder.
                Pronto.

      Toby runs off.


114   INT. LINTON'S UN OFFICE - DAY                               114

      Malcolm walks in. He holds up his blue folder.
                             MALCOLM
                The intelligence your guys couldn't find?
                I think you owe me a massive, grovelling
                apology.

                             LINTON
                What, you did your job? Eventually?
                Congratulations. Maybe they'll give you a
                knighthood.

                               MALCOLM
                It's been   a pleasure working with you.
                You know,   I've met some psychos in my
                time, but   none as fucking BORING as you.
                Oh sorry,   that's right. You disapprove of
                swearing.   A boring F star star CUNT!

      Malc hands over the folder and walks out.




                                                       Page 115

                        




115   INT. UN   - DAY                                               115

      Linton, with Adriano now back beside him AND LIZA, is
      waiting for hush from the assembled US delegation,
      including Miller.

                              LINTON
                 Welcome aboard Liza. By the way,
                 congratulations on Pwip Pip. Excellent
                 work.

                                LIZA
                 Really?

                              LINTON
                 I don't know. I haven't read it
                 personally. No time. But it certainly
                 raised your profile.
                              LIZA
                 No. That old thing? That was like a
                 thousand years ago. More maybe.

                              LINTON
                 Terrific.
                        (to the delegation)
                 So, I'll keep this brief and   to the
                 point. We go in, we make our   case using
                 the new British intelligence   from their
                 source `Debussy', we win the   argument, we
                 get the hell out.

      The delegation starts filing out.

116   INT. UN CORRIDOR- DAY                                         116

      The Brit delegation are gathered round a screen in a
      corridor showing the main debating chamber. The mood is
      sombre.

                              CHAIR
                        (on screen)
                 Resolution 5977 is passed.

      Judy looks at Malcolm. Malcolm looks straight ahead at
      the screen, nods, impassive.

                              SIMON
                 Yup. That's that then.

                              TOBY
                 "That's that then"? That's your quote for
                 the ages is it?


                                                        Page 116

                         
116   CON TINUE D:                                                116


                                 SIMON
                     What?

                                  TOBY
                     'And I remember the moment war was
                     declared. I turned to the Minister and he
                     said "That's that, then. Anyone want a
                     mint?".

                                  SIMON
                     Piss off, Toby.


117   INT. UN - DAY                                                  117

      The mood is quietly buzzy. Job well done. Liza is there
      too.

                                  LINTON
                     We did it Bob!
                                  BOB ADRIANO
                     Yes sir! There were moments when it was a
                     little hairy ...

                                  LINTON
                     No there weren't, no.

      They shake hands with various colleagues.


118   INT. TINY OFFICE - DAY                                         118

      A TV shows BBC News 24's report on the vote. Jamie is
      stroking Michael's hair in a sweet and therefore very
      very scary way. Michael's staring ahead pretending it
      isn't happening.

                                  JAMIE
                            (sweetly)
                     Well done Michael. You did a good job.
                     You did a really, really good job.


      INT. UN OFFICE - DAY
119                                                                  119
      Karen enters. Chad is there too with General Miller.

                                  KAREN
                     So, I emailed my resignation ten minutes
                     ago.
                            (to Miller)
                     Yours should come right after the
                     President's announcement, to have the
                     biggest media impact.


                                                          Page 117

                         
119   CON TINUE D:                                                119


                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     I've been thinking Karen. This has been
                     the hardest fucking decision of my
                     political life. I'm not resigning.

                                  KAREN
                     What the fuck George. Seriously? You said
                     that the war was intolerable and we'd go
                     together.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     It is - it is intolerable. I still agree
                     with myself about that. But I've got to
                     tolerate it. My loyalty is with the kids.
                     At the end of the day I'm a soldier.

                                  KAREN
                     You're not a soldier.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     Look at the uniform, Karen. I'm not a
                     pastry chef. I have military
                     commendations on my chest, not a little
                     fucking label saying My Name Is George.

                                  KAREN
                     You're a politician. You live on canapes
                     and white wine and you have three
                     anecdotes you wheel out at every party
                     and you scour the national papers for
                     mentions of your name. You're a fucking
                     politician.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     I'm still a soldier.
                                  KAREN
                     When was the last time you shot a guy?

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     What, if I haven't shot a guy in 15 years
                     then I'm not a soldier? City hall don't
                     insist I bring along a fucking bullet-
                     ridden corpse every five years to renew
                     my soldier licence.

                                  KAREN
                     You know this is an unnecessary war. It's
                     a war you don't believe in. Show me some
                     balls, George.

                                  GENERAL MILLER
                     I know I've got balls, I don't need to
                     show them to you.



                                                          Page 118

                      
119   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         119


                               KAREN
                  Oh sure, It just so happens they're
                  sitting pretty in a pair of Egyptian
                  cotton Ralph Lauren shorts on a
                  Government salary.

                               GENERAL MILLER
                  Don't talk about my fucking balls that
                  way. My balls have been around. My balls
                  have got balls.

                               KAREN
                  Come on Chad, let's leave the General and
                  his over-stuffed scrotum. We're going to
                  draft our resignation announcements.

      Karen turns away from him.

                               CHAD
                  Er, I might, stay with the General
                  actually Karen, if that's okay? If he's
                  staying I might stay with him and see
                  what assistance I can furnish.

                               KAREN
                  Okay. General Shrek and his faithful
                  talking donkey.

      She goes.

                               GENERAL MILLER
                  This takes balls Karen.

                               CHAD
                  You've got balls Sir. Anyone can see
                  you've got big balls. They're two-thirds
                  of a snowman.

                               GENERAL MILLER
                  Get the fuck away from me.

      Miller walks off.

                              CHAD
                  Okay. This was not the plan.


120   INT. UN   - DAY                                               120

      Simon's on the phone to the wall man.

                               SIMON
                  No, you're right. I am a piss-brain.
                  That's the perfect word, Mr Michaelson.
                  Your mother came up with it? Well
                  congratulate her from me. I am a piss-
                  brain for letting this happen.
                                                         Page 119

                         
120   CON TINUE D:                                                120


      Simon sees Malcolm coming along. Starts to head back into
      the shared office.

      He rings off, Malcolm catches up with him in the office

                                  MALCOLM
                     Simon, look, mate. Listen to me. You
                     still don't need to resign.

                                  SIMON
                     No. I'm going to resign, Malcolm. In a
                     hour. You can't stop me now.

      Toby comes over.

                                 TOBY
                     Boss?

                     SIMON                         MALCOLM
      Yes?                               Yes?
                                  TOBY (CONT'D)
                     It's on the BBC News website -- Partial
                     collapse of the wall. Mrs Michaelson's
                     greenhouse has a smashed pane. The BBC
                     had a crew down there.

                                  SIMON
                     God, and that's NEWS. Ridiculous, isn't
                     it?

                                  MALCOLM
                     It's nor Ridiculous. You're fired.

                                 SIMON
                     What?

                                  MALCOLM
                     The wall. It's just not tolerable.

                                  SIMON
                     It's just a fucking wall.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Look at this.
                            (clicks his fingers at Toby)
                     Give me the paper.
                            (off Simon's look)
                     He's my new boy. I'm just breaking him
                     in.

                                 TOBY
                     Here.




                                                            Page 120

                      
120   CON TINUE D: (2)                                         120


                             MALCOLM
                The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
                crushed underneath the Great Wall Of
                China, suggesting you are the only
                political fuck-up visible from space.
                Look at this. No one could survive this.
                The PM is very clear on this - you're
                sacked, over the wall.

                              SIMON
                No.

                              MALCOLM
                Yes.

                             SIMON
                You haven't even - spoken to the Prime
                Minister.

                              MALCOLM
                Yes I have.

                             SIMON
                You fucking haven't I've been right here.

                             MALCOLM
                I have spoken to the Prime Minister.
                Whether it has happened or not is
                irrelevant. It is true. As soon as I
                heard about the wall, I spoke to him and
                he decided you had to go.

                             SIMON
                I'm not going quietly.
                             MALCOLM
                Yeah well if you try to turn this into
                some anti-war protest, you can expect
                your `mountain of conflict' soundbite to
                be everywhere from ringtones to a fucking
                dance mix on YouTube. I will marshall all
                the forces of media darkness to hound you
                to an assisted suicide.

      A silence while Simon and Toby realise there is nowhere
      for him to go.

                             MALCOLM (CONT'D)
                Right, Rumpleforeskin's give me your
                laptop, so -- shall we draft your `Dear
                Prime Minister, just a quick note to say
                thanks for sacking me' letter?

      Simon doesn't know what else to do. Toby goes to get his
      laptop. Miller is having a cigarette under a no-smoking
      sign.

                                                      Page 121

                      
120   CON TINUE D: (3)                                         120


                             TOBY
                Hi. General? Look I realise this is a
                slightly strange time to say this, but I
                just want to say how much I admire...

                             GENERAL MILLER
                Go fuck yoursefl, Frodo.

                             TOBY
                Great. Lovely

      Toby hurries off looking crushed. Miller takes another
      drag on his cigarette.


      INT. STATE DEPARTMENT. DAY
121                                                             121
      Linton is going through a list with Liza. General Miller
      is sitting in on this meeting, looking slightly like a
      man who's being shafted up the ass and having to pretend
      to enjoy it.

                             LINTON
                Okay, I don't want to be accused of micro
                managing but I personally do not see that
                `I heart Huckabees' should be on the list
                of dvds suitable for forces
                entertainment. That self-indulgent crap
                is not suitable entertainment for combat
                troops. And where's `United 93' on here?
                That should be playing 24/7.


      INT. CONSTITUENCY OFFICE. DAY.
122                                                             122
      Simon is back with Roz.

                             ROZ
                Right, I've got a selection of quotes for
                you, they're all local firms and none of
                them is very well respected.
                       (gets another piece of paper
                        out)
                Now, this sceptic tank is also rearing
                it's pooy head again too.

      Simon looks zonked with boredom.


123   INT. WHITE HOUSE                                          123

                             A.J.
                Well Alan, I have been balled out by
                Linton for allowing I Heart Huckabees on
                to the troops DVD roster. You know the
                phrase, "I'm too old for this shit? Well,
                I'm too young for this shit.
                             (MOR E)
                                                     Page 122

                         
123   CON TINUE D:                                                123
                                  A.J. (CONT'D)
                     I should be out there having a youth.
                     Getting high, making women pregnant.


124   INT. DFID - DAY                                                124

      Malcolm is walking through the open-plan office with
      Judy. In the background we see Toby getting the last of
      his things together.

      The NEW MINISTER and her ADVISOR arrive. They are almost
      carbon copies of Simon and Toby.

                                  MALCOLM
                     Ah, here they are. Minister. Elizabeth.
                     Welcome aboard.

                                  MINISTER
                     Thanks Malcolm. Looking forward to it.
                     War seems to be going `great guns' at the
                     moment.
                                  MALCOLM
                     Ah, cheeky! Let me take you out for an
                     expensive lunch, roast swan and all the
                     trimmings, and I'll bring you up to speed
                     on the whole Middle East situation.

                                  MINISTER
                     Are you twisting my arm already?

                                  MALCOLM
                     Aye, but in a friendly, non-breaky way.
                     Watch your step there. There's still
                     blood on the deck.
                                  ADVISOR
                            (to Judy)
                     Hi I'm Danny. Dan. I'm Elizabeth's chief
                     advisor.

                                  JUDY
                     Judy Molloy. Senior Press -

                                  ADVISOR
                     Have I got a desk?

                                  JUDY
                     Yes, it's that one there.

      She points at Toby's desk. The Minister and his advisor
      start making themselves at home.

      We stay on Toby now as Malcolm and Judy greet the new
      guys.



                                                          Page 123

                     
124   CONTINUE D:                                            124

      Toby grabs the last of his things, glances over at them,
      and them we follow him as he heads down the front steps.



                                                          THE END