Actor Point >> Movie Scripts >> Little Nicky Film Script

Little Nicky Movie Script

Writer(s) : Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, Steven Brill

Genres : Comedy, Fantasy, Horror

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	FADE IN:

	EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT

	A beautiful late summer night.  Crickets chirping, sprinklers
	sprinkling.

	We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree,
	where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb.  He
	has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman.  Suddenly
	the lights turn on.

				PEEPER
			(whispering)
		Showtime!

	We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's
	window.  She is wearing business attire.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
			(takes bite of sandwich)
		Well you'll feel better once you slip
		off those work clothes and get into some
		sweats.

	The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing
	her feet.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Oh my G-D, yes!  I wish you would let me
		rub those feet.  Of course I wouldn't
		use my hands.  Heh heh heh heh...

	He sips some wine.

	The mother starts to unbutton her blouse.  She takes it off,
	revealing a nice bra.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Looks like Victoria just told me her
		secret.

	The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook.  Mouthing
	the words as he goes.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m.,
		first brassiere sighting...
			(stops writing)
		I will pleasure myself to this image for
		months.  MONTHS I TELL YOU!

	The mother starts to unbutton her pants.  Her young son walks
	in wearing a scouts uniform.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Young Scottie Dunleavy.  What
		unfortunate timing.  You mother was just
		getting comfy.

	The son talks to his mother excitedly.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great
		knots today or whatever.  Now get out.

	The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Now what.  This simply won't do.

	The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials.  The son
	answers.

				SCOTTIE
		Hello?

				PEEPER
		Hello, Scottie.  Why don't you go
		downstairs like a good boy and let your
		mother freshen up.

				SCOTTIE
		Who is this?

				PEEPER
		Just a little birdie.  A birdie who
		wants to see if your mother's panties
		match her bra.

				MOTHER
		Oh my G-D Scottie.  Is there a man up
		our tree?

	The peeper gets nervous.

				PEEPER
		Tell her no.  Tell her it's just a big
		bird.

	The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises.
	We SEE Scottie with his sling shot.  The mother nods yes.  He
	shoots it.  It hits the peeper square in the head.  He falls
	to the ground with a thud.

				PEEPER (CONT'D)
		Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me.  And
		wear your bikini.

	The peeper looks up.  He sees Scottie pushing a television
	out the window.  It lands on top of the peeper.  He's dead.

					   HARD CUT:

	INT. HOLE - DAY

	The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on
	all sides.

	The peeper is falling down, down, down.  The whole way
	screaming like a five-year old girl.

	PEEPER'S POV

	We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the
	peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire.  He
	SCREAMS.

	EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL

	We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES.  We hear screaming.  Wham!
	We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in
	a heap in a shallow pit of coals.

	Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the
	fire wall at different levels.  (NOTE: All the arrivals
	clothes are now burned & shredded).

				GATEKEEPER (O.S.)
		Welcome!

	The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his
	station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.

				PEEPER
		Am I in hell?

				GATEKEEPER
		What do you think?

	A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area.  We
	leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...

	MATTE PAINTING HELL

	MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN

	The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell.  A road leads toward it
	like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals.  We see
	the black castle in the distance.  The camera zooms into the
	castle, to one particular window.

	INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY

	Looks like an American teenager's room - models, a dresser,
	heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no
	bed - Devils don't sleep).  Nicky is air guitaring to the
	song.  Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled
	"NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."

	The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring
	NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.

				NICKY
			(embarrassed)
		Hey...

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Your father wants to see you and your
		brothers in the throne room.

				NICKY
		Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is
		rockin', don't forget the knockin'!

	INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

	ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts.  They're aiming for
	people's faces that are coming through the wall.

				CASSIUS
		I knew it.  He's finally retiring.

				ADRIAN
		I've been waiting on this day for ten
		thousand years.

	He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.

				HUMAN DARTBOARD
		Aaaah!

				CASSIUS
		If the old man picks me to take over
		Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty
		four seven.  No breaks.

				ADRIAN
		Well Dad says it's the breaks that make
		the torture.  You have to let people
		feel a sense of relief.

	Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS
	in the eye.

				HUMAN DARTBOARD
		Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

				ADRIAN
		Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring
		is what he says doesn't matter anymore.

	Cassius pulls out the dart.  The eye comes with it.

				CASSIUS
		I'll take that.

	Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it.  THWACK!
	It splatters like a grape.

				HUMAN DARTBOARD
		Was that really necessary?

	Nicky enters sheepishly.

				CASSIUS
		Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing
		today?

				NICKY
		Good, thanks.

	Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.

				CASSIUS
		Hey. Hey. Hey.  Wanna mind wrestle?

	Cassius' eyes start glowing red.

				NICKY
		Actually, I'll take a rain check on0

	Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible
	force.

				CASSIUS
		Got ya!

				NICKY
			(picking up his head)
		Yes, you got me...

	Nicky's head slams back down again.

				CASSIUS
		Got ya, again!

				NICKY
			(picking head up)
		Got me for sure, yes...

	He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the
	head.

				CASSIUS
		Got ya!  Now here's the big finish...

	Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his
	own crotch.

				NICKY
		Oh no.  Please Cassius...

	Nicky's hand is being possessed.  It gets closer and closer
	until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Aaaaah.

	Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own
	hand.  Nicky screams even louder.  Adrian smiles.  They don't
	notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small
	devil horns), enters behind them.

				DAD
		What are you boys doing?

	Cassius releases Nicky's hand.

				NICKY
		Nothing, Dad.  Just re-arranging the
		furniture.

				DAD
		Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out
		of your brother's mind?

				CASSIUS
		I forgot.

				DAD
		Maybe this will help you remember.

	Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the
	nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the
	floor.

	Dad gives Nicky a wink.  Nicky smiles.  Dad has an air of
	confidence and power.

				DAD (CONT'D)
		Now everybody sit down.

				NICKY
		Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying
		down my monsters of metal compilation
		tape.  I really think it's a
		masterpiece.

				DAD
		Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.

	He leads the boys to the throne area.  We see outside the
	window the peeper staring in sexily.  Dad looks, shakes his
	head.  Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him.  Dad
	closes the curtains.

	Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of
	his throne.  Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip
	of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at
	his three sons.

				DAD (CONT'D)
		My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was
		thrown out of Heaven by G-d and rules
		here in hell for ten thousand years.
		And after this ten thousand years had
		passed, he decided to abdicate his
		throne...

	Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.

				DAD (CONT'D)
		...to step aside.
			(Nicky lowers his hand)
		...and let me become the ruler of hell.
		This, as some of you might know, is my
		ten thousandth year as Prince of
		Darkness.  So I think the time has come
		to discuss who will succeed me.

	Jimmy the Demon walks in.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Knock, knock.

				DAD
		Yes, Jimmy.

	He whispers in Dad's ear.

				DAD (CONT'D)
		No, no, that's not what I said.  He can
		keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta
		go.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
			(turning to leave)
		Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a
		pineapple up Hitler's ass at four
		o'clock.

	Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out.  Dad turns his attention
	back to his sons.

				DAD
		This was a very difficult decision,
		because I have three wonderful sons.  I
		mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.
		And Cassius, so strong, so tough.  And
		Nicky, so...so...

				NICKY
		Don't worry about coming up with
		anything.  It's cool.

				DAD
		Such a sweet boy.  But after much
		thought and careful consideration, I've
		decided that the ruler for the next ten
		thousand years is going to have to
		be...me.

				CASSIUS AND ADRIAN
			(dumbfounded)
		What!?

				NICKY
		Hallelujah.

	They all look at Nicky.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		I mean...tough break.

				DAD
		The important thing for the stability of
		our rule is to maintain the balance
		between good and evil.  And I don't
		think any of you are ready for that
		responsibility yet.  You need the wisdom
		that comes only with the passage of
		time.

				CASSIUS
		Dad!  This is Hoyashit.

	Dad glares.  Cassius goes FLYING BACK.  One of the Human
	Dartboards laughs.  Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the
	tongue.  Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

				DAD
		Right.  Right.  Send him in.
			(to the boys)
		I'm sorry, boys.  I've got to get back
		to work.

	Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out.  Adrian stops.

				ADRIAN
		You sure about this decision, Dad?

				DAD
		I'm telling you, pal, it's the right
		thing to do.

	HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by
	Jimmy.  They head towards the closet.

	Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples.  Hitler picks out
	a relatively small one.  Dad shakes his head "no."  Dad walks
	over to the closet.  Hitler picks out a really big pineapple.
	Dad nods "yes."  Hitler sadly hands it to Dad.  Jimmy bends
	Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

	CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

	As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

				HITLER
		Holy schnit!!

	EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

	Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing
	with souls.  Both are pissed.  There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot
	looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

				CASSIUS
		You work your ass off for ten thousand
		years, hurting people, helping others
		hurt people, then you get a decision
		like that.

				ADRIAN
		And he's dead serious.

				CASSIUS
		It's just such a slap in the face.

	Adrian turns to the Monster.

				ADRIAN
		Um, excuse me, we're having a private
		conversation here.

				CASSIUS
		Yeah, get out of here!  Beat it!

	Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.
	The Monster shrugs and walks off.

				ADRIAN
		Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa
		Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in
		hell than serve in heaven."  Well, I'm
		getting tired of serving in Hell.  We
		need a place where we can rule.

	Cassius throws a rock at the Monster.  He yelps, then turns
	around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back.
	Cassius sees this and gets enraged.

				CASSIUS
		Oh you wanna be a big man?  Bring it
		on!! Let's see what you got!

	The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in
	an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.

				CASSIUS (CONT'D)
		That's what I thought!

				ADRIAN
			(to Cassius)
		Could you concentrate for five seconds?

				CASSIUS
		I am concentrating.  Where can we rule?

				ADRIAN
		What do you think about...Earth?

	Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		We could create our own hell there.

				CASSIUS
		You saying we go up there and kill
		everyone?

				ADRIAN
		Eventually, Cassius.  But first we
		corrupt as many as we can so that when
		we do destroy them...

				CASSIUS
		...their damned souls will be ours.

				ADRIAN
		It's our time, brother.

	The two look at each other.  They start running toward the
	fire wall.  Knocking souls out of their way.

				GATEKEEPER
		Hey, what are you doing?!?

	They get closer to the fire.

				GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
		You can't go through there.  The fire
		flows in, not out.

	They dive through the fire wall.  It FREEZES.

				GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
		You know something?  You guys suck!  You
		really suck!

	Sirens go off.  Dogs start barking.  Lights flash.  And we
	hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the
	firewall hard.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

	Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix
	tapes.  We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."
	Pause.  Dad exhales.

				DAD
		Now that was an experience.  "You are
		only coming through in waves."  That
		line blows my mind every time.

				NICKY
		Definitely.

				DAD
		I don't care what kind of mood you're in
		at the start of that song.  When it's
		over, that mood has been altered.  Wow.
		Great shit.  What's next?

				NICKY
		Well, I thought that after messing with
		your head, I'd give you a little kick in
		the keester.

	Hits the tape player.  "Enter Sandman" blasts.

				DAD
		Who is this, Metal-lick-a?

				NICKY
		Metallica, Dad.  Come on.

				DAD
		I was just playing with you.

	Dad and Nicky dance to the song.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

	CLOSE ON DAD.

				DAD
		I'm sorry.  After careful consideration,
		I regretfully have to decline.

	ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.

				DAN
		C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one
		Superbowl ring.

				DAD
		In exchange for eternal damnation of
		your soul?  You're too nice of a guy for
		me to want to do that to you, Mr.
		Marino.

				DAN
		You did it for Namath.

				DAD
		Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
		Just go back to Earth and enjoy your
		records and the Hall of Fame and the
		beautiful family and all that.

				DAN
		This is bullshit, man.
			(gets up to leave)
		I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year,
		with or without you!

				DAD
		Now you're talking.

	Dan exits.

				NICKY
		You're a good devil, Dad.

				DAD
		And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

	Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint
	sirens.  The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his
	knees.

				GATEKEEPER
		Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have
		escaped from hell.  They went through
		the fire, and they broke it.  I think
		they took the New York tunnel.  I tried
		to stop them, but they overpowered me,
		sir.

				DAD
		Oh, boy.  Oh boy.  Calm down.  Get off
		your knees.

	The Gatekeeper stands up.

				GATEKEEPER
		Thanks for being so understanding, your
		worship.  You're the man.  You've always
		been the man.

	Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up.  Two huge
	boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head.  We
	only see them from the front for a second.
	From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the
	nipples as he talks to Nicky.

				GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
			(to Nicky)
		I'm lucky to get away with just the head
		boobs, right?

				NICKY
		Coulda been much worse.

				GATEKEEPER
		That's what I'm thinkin'...

	Dad is staring off.  He looks shaken.

				DAD
		This is bad, Nicky.

				NICKY
		How bad?

				DAD
		I'm gonna die, Nicky.  If the gates are
		broken, no new souls can get in, which
		means I'll start to deteriorate into
		nothing.

	GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

				LUCIFER
		What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

				DAD
		Everything's fine, pop.

				LUCIFER
		Last time you said that the renaissance
		happened.

				DAD
		Please, pop, just go back to your room.

				LUCIFER
			(regarding gateskeeper)
		Can I take him with me and have sex with
		his head?

				DAD
		Sure, pop.  Whatever you want.

	The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.

				GATEKEEPER
		Oh, this is gonna be a whole new
		lifestyle for me, isn't it.

	EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

	We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED
	SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

	The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

	Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

				DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)
		What's going on?  Where are we?

	We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud
	thuds.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Nothing's getting through that.  The
		fire is solid as a rock.

				NICKY
		We gotta get this bad boy burning again.
		Ideas?

				DAD
		To do that Cassius and Adrian have to
		come back through the other way.

				NICKY
		So go get 'em, Dad!

				DAD
		I'm too weak.  The process has already
		begun.

	Dad holds up his hand.  His pink is hanging by a thread.  We
	see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

				NICKY
		So go get 'em, Jimmy!

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		I'm just a demon, Nicky.  I don't got
		devil blood in me.  I'd last two minutes
		up there with your brothers.

				NICKY
		You're not saying it's up to me?

	The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as
	if to say, "oh no."

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		I've never been to Earth.  I've never
		even slept over at some other dude's
		house!

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		You're the spawn of Satan.  You got it
		in you.

				DAD
		Nicky, the worst thing that could happen
		on Earth is you get killed, in which
		case, boom, you end up back here.

				NICKY
		Are you telling me I have to go to Earth
		and kill my brothers?

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Not go.  They left together at the exact
		same time.  They gotta come back
		together at the exact same time.

	Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.

				DAD
		Here.  Get them drunk from this.  One
		sip and they'll be trapped inside.  Once
		you've got both of them, you bring the
		flask back through the gate.

	Dad's pinky is hanging.  Jimmy pulls it off and examines it.
	The Monster gags.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Your ol' man's got less than a week.

	Nicky looks petrified.

				NICKY
		No.  This can't be happening.

				DAD
		Son, just do your best.

	Nicky looks teary eyed.  The moment is broken by the Monster,
	who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.

	Nicky goes through the solid fire wall.  PAUSE.  The Monster
	taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get
	a move on."

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

	A SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL

	PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between
	two tracks, to a putrid puddle.  Nicky breaks through the
	surface, sputtering.  We hear a rumbling in the near
	distance.

				NICKY
		Okay. Earth.  The Blue Marble.  This
		doesn't look too bad.

	Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and
	WHAMMM!

			EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

	Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in
	the coal pit.  His Dad limps back to him.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		You were gone ten seconds.  What
		happened?

				NICKY
		I got hit by a big light that was
		attached to a lot of metal.

				DAD
		That's a train, son.  Don't stand in
		front of them.

				NICKY
		Well, I guess I'm going to have to take
		a mulligan on this one.

				DAD
		Please, Nicky, get back up there.
			(his ear falls off)
		Try to hurry.

	Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

	Nicky makes it back through the hole.  Looks both ways and
	hops out of the hole.  He carefully crosses the tracks and is
	stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side.
	In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to
	identify their passengers at the airport.  On the sign is
	scrawled "NICKY."

	Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.

				NICKY
		I'm Nicky.

	Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.

				BEEFY
			(voice of Sandy Wernick)
		Hey, terrific!!  Now get off the track
		and come with me, shitstains.

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY

	The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal
	are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking
	around suspiciously, talking to the dog.

				BEEFY
		My name's Beefy.  I'm an old friend of
		your father's.  He's asked me to help
		you out.

				NICKY
		I just need to find my brothers and be
		on my way, Beefy.

				BEEFY
		It's not gonna be easy.  Your brothers
		can possess people.  So they probably
		won't look like themselves.  You have to
		be suspicious of everyone.

	Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.

				NICKY
		Okay, "bro," this jig is up...
			(pulling out the flask)
		Just get in the bottle.  Just slide
		right on in there.

				BEEFY
		It's not me, moron.

				NICKY
		Oh.  Sorry.

	EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

	A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance.  People put
	money in his pot.

				PREACHER
		Oh how the Lord loves you.  All his
		children.
			(passerby puts in money)
		He thanks you for your kindness.
			(another woman puts in money)
		God bless, Ma'am.  The Lord loves you...
		The Lord loves you...

	We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind.  The PREACHER
	sniffs.

				PREACHER (CONT'D)
		The Lord does not love you.  I
		sense...pure evil.
			(thrusts his cross in Nicky's
		   face)
		You make the Lord very nervous.
			(feeling hot)
		I'm burning...ahhh.
			(running away)
		The Devil walks among us!

	He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.

				PREACHER (CONT'D)
		Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!

	He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance.  He
	disappears.  Beefy turns to Nicky.

				BEEFY
		Makin' friends already.

				NICKY
			(shivering a little)
		It's freezing up here, Beefy.

				BEEFY
		You're on Earth now, kid.  Gonna have
		the same physical needs and limitations
		a human has.  We'll stop by K-mart.  Get
		you some warm clothes.

				NICKY
		I also have this odd pain in my mid
		section.  Kind of a hollow feeling...

				BEEFY
		That pain is hunger.

	EXT. BENCH - DAY

	K-mart bag is next to a bench.  PAN UP to see Nicky wearing
	an extra warm SKI OUTFIT.  Sitting next to him on the bench
	is Beefy.  Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED
	CHICKEN.  Nicky takes out a drumstick.

				NICKY
		So far, so good.  Now what?

				BEEFY
		Put it in your mouth.

	Nicky puts it in his mouth.  Holds it there.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		Move your teeth up and down.

	Nicky does.  He chews for a long time.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		Now you gotta swallow it.  Tilt your
		head back and let the meat slide down
		your throat-hole.

	Nicky does.  He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.

				NICKY
		Hey...Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

				BEEFY
		It sure is.  Now eat it up.  You're
		gonna need your energy.

				NICKY
		I got energy up the ying-ying.  Let's
		get cracking!

	NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right
	into the path of a moving bus.

	INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

	The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs.  The
	gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra.  He seems to be
	enjoying it.  We hear a THUD.  They look down to see Nicky on
	the ground.  (We didn't see him flying through this time.)

	The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop.  Kind of
	embarrassed.

				GATEKEEPER
		Hey.

				NICKY
		That's a pretty brassiere.

				GATEKEEPER
		Thanks.

				NICKY
		Could you maybe not tell anyone about
		this?

				GATEKEEPER
		You got it.  Could you maybe not tell
		anyone about this?

				NICKY
		You got it.

	Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall.  As soon as his
	back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I
	love your boobs."  The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh
	(we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).

	EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY

	Beefy is walking with him down the street.  Nicky is crazy
	cautious.

				NICKY
		From now on.  I'm just going to avoid
		all moving metal objects.

				BEEFY
		Great.  Now your father gave me some
		deposit money for a nice pad on the
		Upper East Side.  But I misplaced it.

				  FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

	Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club.  Champagne
	is on the table.  Bills in his mouth.  We see THREE DANCERS
	dancing for him.

				  FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

	EXT. VILLAGE STREET

	Nicky and Beefy.

				BEEFY
		So I found this other joint for you.
		But you're gonna have a roommate.

	INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

	A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the
	phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.

				TODD
			(on phone)
		I know exactly how you feel... The night
		Reagan was elected, I said to my mother,
		"Is this man going to blow up the world,
		Mommy?"  Then we both cried for like an
		hour.
			(knock at the door)
		Somebody's here.  Call you later.

	Todd gets up and opens the door.  It's Nicky, with Beefy by
	his side.  Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.

				NICKY
		Hello, friend, my name is Nicky.  I
		understand you're seeking a roommate, as
		per your advertisement in the Village
		Voice.  Would it be possible for me to
		fill the slot?

				TODD
		Uh, don't you want to know what the rent
		is?

	Nicky looks down at Beefy.  Beefy looks up at Nicky.  Both
	nod imperceptibly.

				NICKY
		Yes.  What is rent?

				TODD
		Eight-hundred, split down the middle.
		Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with
		my scene partner so the living room will
		be off limits.

				NICKY
		Off limits.

				TODD
		Right.  And as far as household items:
		we can share the soap, but we'll split
		the cost 60/40.
		Cause the person who physically goes out
		and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay
		as much as the other guy.
			(looks at Nicky)
		Aren't you boiling in that outfit?

				NICKY
		No.

				TODD
		It's like eighty degrees in this
		hallway.  You from the South?

				NICKY
		Yeah.  The deep South.

	Nicky laughs a little too hard.

				TODD
		Why is that funny?

				NICKY
		I don't know.

				TODD
		And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.

	Todd turns and goes into the apartment.

				BEEFY
		You'll be alright.  Go on.  Big day
		tomorrow.  Don't forget to do that sleep
		thing I told you about.

				NICKY
		Got ya.
			(to Todd)
		Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?

				TODD
		Yeah, your bedroom is right over there.

	The door closes.  Beefy looks down at the welcome mat.  It
	reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING.  Beefy raises his leg over
	it.

	INT. NICKY'S ROOM

	Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully
	clothed.  When he inhales through his nose, we hear that
	familiar snoring/snorting sound.  But when he exhales, we
	hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.

	SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands,
	looking concerned.

	EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING

	We HEAR the bells toll.  We see the beautiful exterior of a
	large church.

	INT. CATHEDRAL

	CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL.  He ascends the
	steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.
	We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service.  He
	gins his homily.

				CARDINAL
		In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who
		we are to live if we wish to attain the
		splendor of Heaven... or something like
		that.  Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in
		the Bible.  Moses this.  Moses that.
		Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat.

	The crowd stares dumbfounded.  We see that the Cardinal is
	standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box
	with the top open.

				CARDINAL (CONT'D)
		Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of
		hibbity-jibbity.  But has he ever really
		done anything for us?  Has he ever put a
		Jaguar XJR in my driveway?  Has he ever
		given any of my enemies the herpes?  No.
		He hasn't done a damn thing for any of
		us.

	A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.

				MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
		The Lord gave my son the strength to get
		off drugs.

				CARDINAL
		Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me,
		he was better off on drugs.  He's a
		bore.  At least when he was smoking
		hashish, he made me laugh occasionally.

	A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.

				YOUNG MAN
		After we tried for many years, the Lord
		finally helped my wife conceive a baby.

				CARDINAL
		No, your best friend Fitzie helped your
		wife conceive a baby.  He helped her
		conceive it all night long.

	Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts
	to "raise the roof."  Then thinks better of it.  The Cardinal
	points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.

				CARDINAL (CONT'D)
		How about you, Mr. Mayor?  The Lord ever
		do anything for you?

	The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.

				MAYOR
			(standing)
		Well, I wish I could think of something,
		Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I
		can't.  Kind of makes you wonder if
		there even is a Lord.  If there is any
		ultimate punishment for our so-called
		"sins."  Maybe we should all just have
		fun and do whatever the hell we want.

	A hubbub is raised by the crowd.  Fitzie raises the roof
	again, this time energetically.

				CARDINAL
		Amen to that.  Let the sin begin!

	The hubbub grows to a roar.  Several PEOPLE start fighting
	over the money in the collection plate.

	The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor.  We hear the
	Cardinal's thoughts - in Adrian's voice.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		Oh, this is delicious.

	ON MAYOR

	He's smirking.  WE HEAR his telepathic response.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
			(laughing)
		"Let the sin begins" - that was a good
		one.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		Well, we must get people sinning if we
		want to fill up our New Hell.  How are
		things going down at City Hall?

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		I lowered the drinking age to ten.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		Brilliant.  This is so much fun.  I
		never want it to end.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		Why should it end?  Who's gonna stop us?

	The Mayor/Cassius laughs.  As he does, his eyes slowly cross.

	EXT. STREET - DAY

	Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk.  PAN OVER TO:

	Nicky, his pants around his ankles.  He's trying to do the
	same.

				NICKY
		This is intense!  And it happens every
		day?  Sometimes twice?  I gotta tip my
		hat to you people!

				BEEFY
		Look, it's okay for me to shit the
		street.  But you gotta use a toilet.

				NICKY
			(pulling up pants)
		Okay, just point me in the right
		direction next time.

				BEEFY
		Come on, there's like ten million people
		in this city and the clock is ticking.

				NICKY
		Well, let's rock and roll.

	Nicky looks at the next person walking by.  It's a CHINESE
	DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle.  Nicky clotheslines him, taking
	him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Get in the bottle.  Dad's falling apart.
		You froze the gate and you're killing
		him.  Drink!

	Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.

				CHINESE DELIVERY GUY
		I'm not thirsty!  I'm not thirsty!

				NICKY
		just get in the flask!

	The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick
	to the head and runs away.  Nicky gets up.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Adrian and Cassius!  You think a kick to
		the head is gonna make me throw in the
		towel?  Well, in the immortal words of
		Judas Priest, "You got another thing
		comin'."

	Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the
	bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.

	EXT. STREET - DAY

	Nicky approaches various people as they pass.  (To be shot
	long lense, real people, real reactions.)

	INT. POPEYE'S - DAY

	Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the
	Cashier to drink.  The Cashier yanks his head away and gives
	Nicky a dirty look.  Nicky shrugs and points to the menu,
	ordering some chicken.

	EXT. STREET - DAY

	nicky walks up to a homeless man.  He thrusts the bottle in
	his face.  To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes
	it and drinks.  Nothing happens.  Nicky is baffled.  He tries
	to take the flask back, but the man won't let go.  Finally he
	grabs it away from him.  The man starts throwing garbage at
	Nicky as he walks away.

	INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY

	Beefy is looking around for Nicky.  He spots him - inside the
	polar bear cage.  Nicky approaches the bear holding the
	flask.

	INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER

	Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again.
	The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.

				GATEKEEPER
		Bus?

				NICKY
		Beast.

	The Monster laughs.

				GATEKEEPER
			(to Monster)
		You like that?  You think that's funny?

	The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.

				GATEKEEPER (CONT'D)
		How about that?  You like that?

	The Monster howls with delight.

	EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

	Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a
	Popeye's drumstick.

				NICKY
		All that running and chasing is making
		the sleep thing want to come early.

				BEEFY
		I think we have to work on narrowing
		down our list of suspects.  Now I'm
		going to go check in with some of my
		contacts uptown.

	Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores.  He's asleep.
	Beefy sighs.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just
		begging to come out...

	Beefy walks away.

	EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY

	Nicky snores.  Masses of birds fly out of the trees.  Nicky
	snores.  Squirrels run out of trees.  Nicky snores.

	ON WORRIED PEOPLE

	Staring at Nicky who continues to snore.  Two HEAVY-METAL
	GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a
	goofy dance.  They hear something and turn the music down:
	it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.

				PETER
		Sounds like our devil dance actually
		worked this time.

				JOHN
		'Bout time...

	Nicky snores.  It sounds like "I will eat your hearts."  The
	worried people run away.  Nicky snores.  Children on the
	Carousel, going real fast, upset.  Nicky snores.

	Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.

				JOHN (CONT'D)
		There's our man.

				PETER
		Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties
		to the dark side.

	A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky.  He eyes
	the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.

				JOHN
		What's with that guy?

				PETER
		Gotta be one of his disciples or
		something.

	Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten
	drumstick) and runs off.

				JOHN
		Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got
		ripped off.

				PETER
		Should we wake him up?

				JOHN
		Yeah.  You do it.

	Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud
	SNORT.

				PETER
		Rise and shine, devil guy.  Some dude
		just stole your shit.

	Nicky feels for the flask.  It's gone.

				NICKY
		Oh nooooo....

	Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Which way did he go?

				JOHN
		That way.

	Nicky is about to run off.  Looks at John's shirt.

				NICKY
		Iron Maiden live double disc is simply
		phenomenal.

	He runs off.

				PETER
		Did you check out the dragon mouth?

				JOHN
		The Dark Prince is here.

	EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY

	Nicky is searching the street for his flask.  He walks past
	several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the
	sidewalk.  PAUSE.  Nicky comes walking back into frame as he
	sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the
	blanket of the VENDOR.

				NICKY
		Hey...

				STREET VENDOR
		See something you like, my man?

				NICKY
		Yes.  I would like my flask back.

	The street vendor stands, very angry.

				STREET VENDOR
		You callin' me a thief, my man?

				NICKY
		No, I'm just calling you... a guy who
		has my flask.

				STREET VENDOR
		And if that is your so-called "flask,"
		how would I have it unless I was, in
		fact, a thief?

				NICKY
			(not sure what the answer is)
		I don't know?

	A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask.

				MAN
		Yeah, how much for the silver flask
		there?

				STREET VENDOR
		Well, that's a very special item.  The
		cap itself is one hundred percent
		plappium.  It's a value is over three
		thousand dollars.

				MAN
		Really.  Where's it from?

				NICKY
		It was handcrafted in hell by Satan
		himself and is only to be used for the
		capture and containment of my blood
		brothers so that the firefall of Hades
		will burn brightly once again.

				MAN
		Really.  I think we'll let you keep it
		then.

	He walks away.

				STREET VENDOR
		Okay, now you gone and done it.  You
		done messed with my business bitch!

				NICKY
		Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise
		your voice.  It's making my muscles
		tighten.

	We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.

				STREET VENDOR
		Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me?
		I'll show you some crazy eyes.  Let's
		get busy.

	The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts
	swinging his fists around.

	Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is
	selling clothes off a spread out blanket.  She notices what's
	going on.

	Nicky's eyes widen in panic.  Just then, Valerie steps in.

				VALERIE
		Excuse me, does that flask belong to
		this man?

				STREET VENDOR
			(frustrated)
		Now you callin' me a thief?  Damn.

				VALERIE
		Look, I know you come out here and sell
		stolen stuff all the time.  But today,
		the guy you stole from just happened to
		walk by and bust you.  So why don't you
		admit today's not your day and give him
		his flask back?

				STREET VENDOR
		Or what're you gonna do about it?  Ugly
		me to death?

				VALERIE
		No, but maybe that cop over there might
		have something to say.

	Valerie points to a cop across the street.  The Street Vendor
	ponders this for a second, then...

				STREET VENDOR
		Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.
			(looking at Valerie)
		And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes
		and find a new corner.  Before I show
		you what real crazy is.

	The vendor does crazy eyes again.

				VALERIE
		Fine.  I will.

	Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.

				NICKY
		Hey, mister.  I'll be seeing you in a
		few years.

	Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky
	follows her.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		That was amazing.  Thanks so much.  You
		didn't have to do that.

				VALERIE
		That's okay.  I get messed with all the
		time and when I saw him doing that to
		you I just lost it.  I hate when people
		take advantage of tourists.  It ruins it
		for the rest of us.

				NICKY
		You think I'm a tourist?

				VALERIE
		I'm sorry.  I just assumed.  Your accent
		maybe.  Where are you from?

				NICKY
		The South.

				VALERIE
		Really?

				NICKY
		Yeah.  Deep south.
			(laughs hard)

	She laughs along with him, not sure why.

				VALERIE
		Why are you laughing?

				NICKY
		I don't know, but I like it.  Say.  Your
		glasses are nice.  They make your eyes
		look sparkly and big.  It's fun to look
		at them.

				VALERIE
		My dad's an optometrist.

				NICKY
		My dad's in hell, and he's falling
		apart.

				VALERIE
		I'm sorry.  It's really tough when your
		parents get older.

				NICKY
		If I don't save him, I don't know what
		I'm gonna do.

				VALERIE
		Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like
		you will figure something out.

	Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her.  He
	hands her the half-eaten drumstick.

				NICKY
		Here, have a Popeye's.  This drumstick
		ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.

				VALERIE
		That's alright.  I already ate lunch.  I
		actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.

				NICKY
		Could I come with you to getting a
		Gelati?

				VALERIE
		If you want to.

				NICKY
		Want to?  A million angry octopus people
		couldn't hold me back!

				VALERIE
		"Octopus people?"

				NICKY
		Uh, it's a deep south expression.

	Nicky laughs.

	EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

	They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.

				NICKY
		It's freezing my hands.

				VALERIE
		It's not that cold.  Here, let me wrap
		it.

	Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky.  Just
	then the PREACHER walks by.  He quickly turns his head,
	sensing Nicky.

				PREACHER
		Why do you taunt me with your darkness?!
		Your evil is stinking up our streets!
		We're all gonna die!

	He takes off running right into a lamp post.

				VALERIE
		This town is really going to hell
		lately.
			(Nicky nods)
		So what part of the city do you live in?

				NICKY
		I have an apartment.  I don't remember
		exactly where.  My dog knows, though.

				VALERIE
			(laughs)
		You have a dog?  What kind?

				NICKY
		I'm not sure.  I'd ask him, but he's
		uptown talking to his contacts.

	EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

	Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.

				BEEFY
		Remember, it's not the size of the boat,
		it's the motion of the ocean.

				GIRL DOG
		Just finish.

	EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY

				VALERIE
		I'd love to have a dog.  But I go to
		school full time.  It wouldn't be fair
		to the dog.

				NICKY
		School?

				VALERIE
		Parsons School of Design.  I knew
		growing up I wasn't much to look at, so
		I put my energy into making things that
		are pretty.

				NICKY
		What's that pleasant smell coming from,
		your skin?

				VALERIE
		My perfume?

	He takes her wrist to his nose.  He stares at it, licks it.

				VALERIE (CONT'D)
			(laughs)
		It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific."
		Which I think is the French word for
		coconuts.

	Nicky stops and looks at her.

				NICKY
		Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch
		of butterflies flapping around in my
		stomach.  Is that normal?

				VALERIE
		Sometimes, sure.

				NICKY
		Good.  I was concerned.

	EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

	The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall.  We hear loud
	wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.

				GATEKEEPER
		Doesn't sound very good behind there.  I
		hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.

	The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather
	biker's hat.  He nods along in agreement.

	PAN TO LUCIFER

	Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of
	fire/pond.

				LUCIFER
		You know, I was the one who created
		Hell.

				GATEKEEPER
		I know, your wickedness.

				LUCIFER
		I started slow, though.  For years, I
		was just giving people hot foots.
		Actually, you can give all the credit
		for Hell to my first wife; she was the
		inspiration.  She was an ugly one, too.
		One day, she asked me if I wanted super
		sex.  I said I'll take the soup.

	The Monster laughs really hard.

				LUCIFER (CONT'D)
		Take it easy there, Chewbacca.  In fact,
		you look like her mother, except she had
		more hair.

	The Monster laughs even harder.

				LUCIFER (CONT'D)
		You know what was in Hell when I came
		down here, Cassius?

				GATEKEEPER
		It's Stanley, sir.

				LUCIFER
		Nothing.  No mountains.  No castles.
		Looked like a giant parking lot.  It
		wasn't even called Hell.

				GATEKEEPER
		What was it called, sir.

				LUCIFER
		Boogerland!

				GATEKEEPER
		That's nice, Grandpa.  Why don't you
		just enjoy the fishing?

				LUCIFER
		I can't enjoy anything.  I go fishing.
		I catch nothing.  I go to orgies, I
		catch everything...

	We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's
	fishing line to:

	EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY

	We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook.  A
	giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body.  Only his head
	is sticking out.

				PEEPER
		I deserve this!

	EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY

	Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.

				KID
		I just stole twenty-five bucks off the
		bar.

				KID #2
		How many beers did you have?

				KID # 3
		Eight sips.

				KID
		I had five!  I'm so wasted.

	They both high five, throw up and fall.  PAN over to ADRIAN
	sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle
	of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

				ADRIAN
		When an adult goes to Hell, that's
		terrific.  But when a child goes...
		that's why I'm in this business.

	Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with
	Valerie.  He's shocked.

	Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her
	collection.

				NICKY
		So you're saying, make all pants with a
		drawstring, then heavier set gals don't
		have to feel humiliated by telling their
		waist size in front of the whole store?

				VALERIE
		Basically, yeah.

				NICKY
		Wow.  Maybe you should make drawstring
		socks for gals with fat ankles.

	Valerie laughs.

				VALERIE
		You know what's nice about you?  You
		just seem happy being yourself.  You
		don't try to act cool.

				NICKY
		Thanks much.  You know what's nice about
		you, Valerie?

				VALERIE
		What?

	Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden.  NICKY looks like he's
	been stunned by something.

				NICKY
		Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.

				VALERIE
		What was that?

				NICKY
			(shocked and confused)
		I...I don't know why I just said that.
		I meant to say that...

					 QUICK CUT TO:

	Adrian's eyes flashing.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		...I've always wanted to have sex with a
		gross pig.  What do you say we go behind
		that dumpster, pull our pants down and
		see what happens?

	Valerie's very hurt.

				VALERIE
		You're a jerk.

	She turns and walks away.  Nicky looks over and sees Adrian.
	His inner voice speaks to him.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		ADRIAN!

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		You shouldn't have come here.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Please, get out of my mind!

	Adrian's eyes flash.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Hey, Valerie!

	She stops and turns.  Nicky RAISES his fist to resist
	Adrian's force.  It's too much.  His middle finger comes up,
	giving her the "finger."

				VALERIE
		What the hell's your problem?

	She runs away crying.  Nicky turns to Adrian who's still
	across the street.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell.
		Dad's sick.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		He's sick?

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Yeah, he needs souls to live.  When you
		guys left, you broke the gates.  We
		gotta get the gates burning again before
		he dies.

	Adrian processes this.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		He should have thought of that before he
		denied me my birthright.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Well maybe you should go back and talk
		it over with him.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		How about this?  I stay here enjoying my
		Schnapps and you go back.

	Nicky's body jerks around.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Adrian, please...

	Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and
	crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large
	truck bearing down on him.

	JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them.  Peter looks
	down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.

				PETER
		Check this out.  The number of the
		beast.

	They laugh and hi-five.

	ON THE TV - DAY

	INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM

	Dan Rather speaks to the camera.  Over his shoulder we see a
	graphic of the Arch-Decon's face.  NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made
	up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)

				DAN RATHER
		Reverberations from Arch-Decon
		Donnelly's shocking speech are still
		being felt throughout the city.  Today,
		some disgruntled cast members of the
		play CATS broke the fourth wall in a
		most hostile manner.

	VIDEO FOOTAGE

	A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around
	shocked audience members.

	BACK ON DAN RATHER

				DAN RATHER
		...But even that does not come close to
		what happened today on Live with Regis
		and Kathy Lee.

	VIDEO FOOTAGE

	The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.

				REGIS
		So I was driving to work today, and some
		bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...

				KATHY LEE
		Oh, that's terrible, Reege...

				REGIS
		So I followed him...

				KATHY LEE
		You followed him?

				REGIS
		I followed him all the way downtown, and
		when he gets out of the car, I reach
		under my seat and pull out an aluminum
		bat.

				KATHY LEE
		You keep a bat under your seat?

				REGIS
		Recently, yes!  So I run up behind this
		guy, and start bashing his brains in
		with this bat, and it made me feel
		happy!  Did you ever see THE
		UNTOUCHABLES?

				KATHY LEE
		Yes, great movie...

				REGIS
		I was DeNiro!

	The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying.  The TV turns off.
	We PULL BACK to see that we are in.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

	Beefy turns to Nicky.

				BEEFY
		Your brothers are upsetting the balance
		of good and evil.

				NICKY
		What can I do about it?

				BEEFY
		You can't do jack shit... unless you
		learn your evil powers.

				NICKY
		Nobody's as evil as my brothers.  Those
		dudes put the wick in wicked.

				BEEFY
		Go get a soda out of the fridge.

				NICKY
		But those are my roommate's sodas...

				BEEFY
			(high-pitched mocking)
		"But those are my roommate's sodas..."
		Does that sound like a statement the son
		of the devil would make?

	Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it
	on the coffee table.  He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare
	at the Coke.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		You have the power to change the cola in
		that can into any other liquid - engine
		oil, bat's blood, moose piss.  You just
		have to release the evil within you.

				NICKY
		Release the evil?

				BEEFY
		I'm just saying, there's wickedness in
		you... I can tell from your snores.

	Nicky stares at the can.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		Release your evil...

	Nicky frowns and bites his lip.  The can rattles a little.

				TODD
		What are you doing?

	Todd is standing in the doorway.  Beefy runs to the fire
	escape.

	*******************

				TODD (CONT'D)
		I know it's your living room night.  But
		can I finish watching the Globetrotters'
		game out here?  To me it's classic
		Comedia Dellarte.

					     CUT TO:

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

	The TV clicks on.  We see TODD sit down and look at the TV.
	Nicky's behind him.

	ON TV

	INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

				BILL WALTON
		What an odd game, folks.  The powerhouse
		85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal
		run circles around the 0-85 Nationals,
		seem to be struggling to find their
		groove in front of their hometown fans.

	A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who
	makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE
	GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING.  The REF blows the whistle and
	makes the travelling signal.

				REF
		He's walking, get him a bus!

				BILL WALTON
		Oh, another awful call.  There is no way
		that was travelling.

	Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.

				CORNROWS
		What's with all these crazy calls?  You
		gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a
		game in 53 years.

				REF
		Technical foul!

	Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.

	ON TODD AND NICKY

				NICKY
		That guy in the striped shirt snaps his
		fingers like someone I know...

	ON TV

	The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously
	slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.

	ON TODD AND NICKY

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		It looks like the work of a brother...

				TODD
		A black guy?

				NICKY
		If it's Cassius, yes.

	Nicky races for the door.

	INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

	As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's
	shirt yells out.

				GLOBETROTTER FAN
		Get your head out your ass, ref!  The
		kids came to see the Globetrotters win.

				REF
		Oh, so you wanna lip off to me?
		Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth
		in the Globetrotter's shirt.  Take ten
		points off for the Globetrotters.

	The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.

	ON STANDS

	The KIDS are crying.

	ON COURT

	The halftime buzzer sounds.  The Globetrotters walk off the
	court.  The crowd BOOS.

				BILL WALTON
		In all my years of basketball, I was
		never so happy to hear a halftime
		buzzer.  Folk, I'm afraid if the second
		half doesn't get any better, I expect a
		full scale riot.

	A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.

				COURT ANNOUNCER
		It's time for the Globetrotter's
		halftime half-court heave throw, where
		one lucky fan will have a shot at ten
		thousand dollars!

	A brick lands at the announcer's feet.

				COURT ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
		And if he makes it, everyone in
		attendance today will receive a free
		pizza.

	INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

	MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous.  He
	has a pass on.

				MIGUEL
		I ain't goin' out there and taking the
		shot.  These people have gone crazy.

				NICKY
		I'll take the shot.

	INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS

	As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.

				PETER
		Look who's back from the dead.

				JOHN
		Six, six, six, pick up sticks.

	They high-five.  The only happy fans in their section.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

	Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV.  Beefy is
	watching from the fire escape.

				TODD
		What's Nicky doing down there?

				BEEFY
		Trying to capture his brother in a flask
		and preserve the balance of good and
		evil on Earth.

	Todd looks over, suspicious.

				TODD
		Did you just talk?

				BEEFY
		No.

	INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS

	The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.

				COURT ANNOUNCER
		You better win these people some free
		pizza.  Looks like they're about to
		start killing each other.

	STANDS

	A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of
	stairs.

	COURTSIDE

	The court announcer hands Nicky the ball.  He looks at it.

				NICKY
		Release the evil.

	His eyes get red.  Staring at the ball, it explodes.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Okay, too much evil..

	Bill Walton's hair is on fire.

				BILL WALTON
		I think that ball just blew up.  And
		yes, my hair is aflame.

				NICKY
			(turning to sideline)
		Could I get another ball?

	The court announcer throws out another ball.  Nicky stares at
	it again with red eyes.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		I command you not to blow up and go into
		that metal circle.

	Nicky throws an underhand shot.  The ball arcs through the
	air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere
	and swats it away.

				REF
		Get that crap outta here!

	The crowd BOOS!  Nicky and the ref stare at each other.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		I know you're having fun, Cassius, but
		you gotta come back to Hell.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		Look around you, Nicky.  We're in Hell.
		The New Hell.

	STANDS

	We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising
	the roof.

	COURTSIDE

	As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone.

				NICKY
		Listen up, New York.  Your souls are in
		great danger...

	Nicky gets hit by a hot dog.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Alright, how about this?  I get one more
		shot.  The ref will cover me.  I miss
		it, the Globetrotters forfeit the game.
		I make it, he doesn't ref the second
		half and we all start conducting
		ourselves like decent human beings
		again.

	The crowd is silent.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		And we get free pizza.

	The crowd roars.

	INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

	Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking.

				BILL WALTON
		I think it's safe to say we're all
		rooting for this bizarre and hideous
		looking man.

	Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him.  He
	takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts her
	wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair.

	The crowd starts YELLING.

				CROWD
		Nicky!  Nicky!  Nicky!

	STANDS

	John and Peter are yelling the loudest.

	COURTSIDE

	The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.

				NICKY
		You know, Dad got very sick when you
		left.

				REF
		I heard.  I'm glad he's dying.  It's my
		turn now.

	Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

	Beefy is watching, transfixed.

				BEEFY
		Take him to the hole, Nicky.
			(Todd stares)
		I mean, woof!  Woof!

	Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.

	INT. TUNNEL

	We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back
	from the locker room.  They stop to watch.

	INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays
	extremely tight defense.  Nicky fakes one way, then heads
	toward the basket.  The ref stays tight.  Nicky's eyes are
	redder than ever.  He fakes left, he fakes right.  He
	dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then
	takes his momentum up toward the basket.  He jumps from the
	foul line and flies through the air.  He emits a crazy, blood
	curdling, devil yell.

	CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:

	SHOT CLOCK

	It reads: 666.

	Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.

	Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.

	BACK ON NICKY

	Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the
	Exorcist).  He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous
	dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces.  He hits
	the ref on the way down.  The crowd CHEERS, finally happy
	again.

				NICKY
		Never doubt my skills.

	INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

				CORNROWS
		Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.

	MID-COURT

	Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor,
	covered in glass.  He gets up slowly

				REF
		That's nuts.  When'd you learn that
		shit?

				NICKY
		Sorry, Cassius.  Maybe it was the super
		devil juice Dad gave me.  HE thought I
		might need it for just such an occasion.

				REGIS
		Super devil juice?  Give it over.  Let's
		go best two out of three.

				NICKY
			(pulls out the flask)
		No.  No way.  Dad said it was only for
		me.

	The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.

	Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the
	ref's mouth and into the bottle.  WHOOSH!  The ref slumps to
	the floor.

	STANDS

	Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.

	COURTSIDE

	Nicky peers into the flask.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		Damn you, Nicky!  There ain't no super
		devil juice in here!

	Nicky caps the flask.  Nicky waves to the stunned, but
	appreciative crowd.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

	A homemade cake is laid out.  It reads: CONGRATULATIONS,
	NICKY.  JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.

				TODD
		So your father's the devil, you're a
		talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys
		are who?

				PEEPER
		Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and
		the work his Dad does.

				JOHN
		By the way, Nicky.  Check this out.

	He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.

				JOHN (CONT'D)
		What's Ozzy trying to say there?

				NICKY
		Absolutely nothing.  The Blizzard always
		came straight with his messages.  But
		wrap your minds around this one.

	Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi.  He pus
	on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards.

				VOICE
		I command you in the name of the Lucifer
		to spread the blood of the innocent.

	John and Peter look at each other, shocked.

				JOHN
		No wonder your uncle's so weird...

				TODD
		I gotta say this cake tastes a little
		funny.

				PETER
		Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the
		mix.  Tried to spice up the bash.

	Nicky takes a big bite of cake.

				NICKY
		What's reefer?

					DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. APARTMENT - LATER

	PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere.  Everyone's laughing
	hard.

				JOHN
		Come on.  One more time.

				NICKY
		Not again, fellas.  It kind of hurts.

				PETER
		Please.  You got to.

				NICKY
			(resigned)
		All right...

	Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360
	degrees.  Everyone cracks up, high fives.  Even Todd LAUGHS.
	PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.

				BEEFY
		I used to get baked like this with my
		first girlfriend, Heather.  We'd get so
		stoned she would forget I was a dog.

				JOHN
		She was human?

				BEEFY
		Actually, she was a sewer rat.  Man,
		that pissed my parents off.

				JOHN
		I dated a Japanese girl once.  My
		parents disapproved.  Not cause she's
		Japanese, but cause she was only
		fifteen.

				NICKY
		I'm only fifteen...thousand years old.

	Everyone cracks up.

				TODD
		I was in love one time but she said I
		wasn't financially reliable enough.  And
		she needed that.

				JOHN
		By she, do you mean he?

				TODD
		No.

				BEEFY
		Busted.
			(laughs)

				PETER
		How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul
		Jabar?

				NICKY
		A little strange.  I can't stop thinking
		about this girl, Valerie.

				TODD
		Why?  Did she hurt you?  Do you miss
		her?  Need a shoulder to cry on?

				JOHN
		Easy, Liberace.

				TODD
		Oh, would you grow up.

				NICKY
		We had the greatest afternoon of my life
		until Adrian made me tell her she had a
		heart-shaped ass.

				BEEFY
		Maybe you love her.  But what do I know?
		I'm baked out of my mind.

				PETER
		Me, too.  We're gonna get going.

				TODD
		You guys want to stay?  I have a futon
		in my bedroom.

				JOHN
		That's a big pass, Elton John.

				PETER
		We're going to see Ozzy play at the
		Meadowlands, right now.  Wanna come,
		Nicky?

				NICKY
		No thanks.  I'm afraid I wouldn't be
		able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves.

				JOHN
		Whoa, that chick must be the real deal,
		then.  Later on.

				NICKY
		See ya, fellas.

	They leave.

				BEEFY (O.S.)
		You better snap out of it soon, kid.
		Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow.
		Seven AM.  Nighty, night.

	He falls asleep and starts snoring.  We hear the SOUND of
	THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he
	exhales.

				TODD
		That is the most frightening thing I
		have ever seen.

	Nicky stands and moves to the window.  He looks out longingly
	over the sleeping city... achingly.  RACK FOCUS behind him,
	we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.

				NICKY
		Todd.  Which way to the Parson's School
		of Design?

	EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT

	Nicky walks around the corner.

	SIGN READS: "Parson's School -  Student Housing"

	Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms.  He looks up.
	Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.

				NICKY
			(he sniffs)
		Coconuts...

	Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb.  His nose
	leads him.  He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.

	INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

	A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling
	his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of
	the Lambs."  The student is startled.

				STUDENT
		Hello.

				NICKY
		You smell like coconuts.

				STUDENT
		It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific."  Makes me
		feel like a hula girl.  Which is kinda
		what I'm going for.  Wanna come in?

				NICKY
		No thanks.  I'm looking for a girl named
		Valerie who also smells like coconuts.

				STUDENT
		Valerie Doran?  Two floors up, one
		window over.

				NICKY
		Thanks, much.  Good luck with the
		genital tucking.

				STUDENT
		I don't need luck.  I'm good.

	Nicky floats away.  A few seconds later, he floats back,
	holding up the flask.

				NICKY
		Adrian?

				STUDENT
		Andrew.

	Nicky nods and floats off.

	EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER

	Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.

	INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

	Cool music.  She is up late.  Working by candlelight on a
	fantastic design.  Something's not working.  She drapes a
	beautiful fabric over another.  She smiles at the
	combination.  She is happy being creative.  Nicky feels his
	heart swell as he watches her.

	ON NICKY

	He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her.  His
	head bumps the window.  She turns, startled.  She sees the
	beaming Nicky.

				NICKY
		Hey.

				VALERIE
		Nicky?  Oh my G-d.  Stay right there.

	Pause.  Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace
	right in Nicky's face.

				NICKY
		Oh that stings!  My eyes are on fire!

	Nicky stands up and stumbles around.

				VALERIE
		What were you thinking coming here?

				NICKY
		I'm not sure, but it didn't involve
		getting blinded with poison.

	He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes
	flying over the back rail.

	EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT

	We see Nicky hurtling toward the street.  Holding his eyes.

				VALERIE
		Oh my G-d, I'm so sorry!

	Suddenly he stops.  Suspended above ground.  Valerie doesn't
	hear the expected thud.

				VALERIE (CONT'D)
		Nicky?

	He floats up, but he can't see.

				NICKY
		Valerie?

				VALERIE
		Are you dead?

				NICKY
		No.

				VALERIE
		What are you doing?

				NICKY
		I think I'm floating.

				VALERIE
		Why would you be floating?

				NICKY
		I don't know.  Maybe it's because of
		your sweet voice.

				VALERIE
		Am I supposed to not be freaked out
		right now?  Because I am.

	He's floating up.  He slows down.

				NICKY
		I can't see you but I can smell you.
		And you make me feel alive in a way I've
		never felt before.

	CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window.
	The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.

				STUDENT
		You got the wrong window again, man.

				NICKY
		Oh.  Sorry, Andrew.  Valerie?

	Nicky resumes floating up.

				VALERIE
		I'm over here, Nicky!  To the left.

	Nicky is parallel with her.  He hovers in front of her, eyes
	still watering.  She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies
	back ten feet.

				VALERIE (CONT'D)
		Look, just because you're floating
		doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you
		giving me the finger.

				NICKY
		That wasn't me.  I was being possessed
		by my brother, Adrian.  He's the one who
		call you a gross pig.

				VALERIE
		What do you mean, "possessed?"

				NICKY
		Remember when I told you my Dad was in
		Hell?

				VALERIE
		Yes...

				NICKY
		Well, that's because he's the Devil.
		And he wants to keep his throne for
		another ten-thousand years.  Which is
		fine with me, but not with my brothers,
		so they broke out of Hell, causing my
		dad...

				VALERIE
		... "The Devil?"...

				NICKY
		...to decompose.  And I love my  Dad
		very much.  So I came to Earth to save
		him but then crazy eyes stole my flask
		and I met you and...well, my dog tells
		me I just might be in love with you.

	His vision is clearing and he can start to see her.  She is
	totally in shock but still here.

				VALERIE
		Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke.

	Nicky laughs.  Valerie joins in.

				VALERIE (CONT'D)
		I don't know if I should believe you.

	Nicky starts to drop.

				NICKY
		You gotta believe me.  You gotta believe
		in the butterflies.

				VALERIE
		Okay, I do.  Get back up here.

	He floats up to her holding out his hand.  Nervously, she
	takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are
	flying.

	EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT

	They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

				VALERIE
		This is amazing.

	They soar past some more buildings.

	EXT. STREET - NIGHT

	The preacher sense something.  He looks to the sky, then
	holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.

				PREACHER
		The hellbeast is above us.  He's
		invading our skies!  We're all gonna
		die!  We're all gonna die!

	EXT. SKY - NIGHT

				VALERIE
		He's kind of ruining the mood.

				NICKY
		Let me take care of that.

	EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

	The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.

				PREACHER
		We're all gonna die!

	A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off.  A powerful blast of
	water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across
	the street into a plate glass window.

	EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS

				VALERIE
		Can we go fly over Central Park?

				NICKY
		Next time.  Tonight, I want to share the
		most beautiful thing I could possibly
		imagine.

	EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT

	They fly over it, away from NYC.

				VALERIE
		We're going to Jersey?

				NICKY
		East Rutherford.

	EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT

	They float high above the Meadowlands.  There is an outdoor
	concert going on.  OZZFEST.
	We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore.  He is singing "Mr.
	Crowley."  Nicky turns to Valerie.

				NICKY
		I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live
		until he was dead.
			(he looks at her)
		Please tell me you like metal.

				VALERIE
			(sings along to song)
		"Mister Crowley, what's inside of your
		head..."

	Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.

				NICKY
		My dog was right.  I'm in love with you.

	They slow dance tighter.  The music swells.  John and Peter
	look up from their seats far below.  Nicky sees them while
	he's holding her tight.  They give thumbs up.

					DISSOLVE TO:

	EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING

	Feeling great.  Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down
	the street.

	He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet.  The
	KOREANS point and seem agitated by him.  Nicky gives them a
	friendly wave.

				NICKY
			(in Korean)
		Moo ya san jie bay!

	The Koreans just glare.  Nicky's confused.

	MUSIC CUE:

	A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the
	sequence.

	EXT. STREET - DAY

	A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following.  Nicky
	looks back a little, unnerved.  A TAXI screeches in front of
	him.  The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.

	EXT. STREET - DAY

	A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their
	teacher and start chasing Nicky.

	EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY

	A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by.  He thinks about
	going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a
	candy bar instead.

	EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

	Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky.  They point
	and start wheeling after him.

	EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY

	Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.

				NICKY
		What's going on here?

	But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to
	catch up.  They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a
	last second right turn into an alley.  The wheelchairs can't
	slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the
	bottom of the street.  The TOURIST on the top level look over
	the edge to see the crash.

	EXT. ALLEY - DAY

	Nicky is panicking, out of breath.  A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up
	out of his cardboard box.  The bum raises his bottle and
	thunks Nicky on the head.  It doesn't break.

				NICKY
		Ow...what was that for?

				BUM
		Fifty million dollars.

	The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST.  It reads "MONSTER WANTED!"
	And has a picture of Nicky.  Nicky is shocked.

	Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there
	blocking the entrance.  He's trapped.  They start running
	right at him.  He closes his eyes.

				NICKY
		Release the evil.

	Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying
	insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.

	The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows
	immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked
	out.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

	Beefy and Todd are watching TV.  They look over to see the
	insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one
	exhausted Nicky.

				NICKY
		I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.

				BEEFY
		The shit has hit the fan, kid.  Take a
		look.

				TODD
		Been breaking all morning.

	ON THE TV - DAY

	We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.

				DAN RATHER
		At a news conference earlier today,
		Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this
		beleaguered city its latest dose of bad
		news.  He revealed that the man who
		caused a sensation at basketball arena
		last night is no hero... he is, in fact,
		a mass murderer.

	We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics.  He's
	holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky's outraged.

				NICKY
		I didn't murder anybody

				BEEFY
		Look.  You were really high.  Things
		happen.

				NICKY
		I was with Valerie, I swear.  This is
		Adrian's work.  I've got to find him.

				BEEFY
		I think you're looking at him.

	ON THE TV - DAY

	We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese
	press to keep him warm.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
			(on TV)
		This video shows what he did after he
		left the basketball arena yesterday...

	ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY

	Scarface shooting his AK-47.  Nicky's face has been crudely
	superimposed over his.

				GUY
			(Adrian's voice)
		My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all
		you suckers for no reason!

	CUT TO FOOTAGE on "SCARFACE"

	ON TV - DAY

	The Chief shakes his head.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		Difficult to watch, I know.  In response
		to this vicious crime, I am authorizing
		the largest reward in law enforcement
		history: fifty million dollars to the
		person or persons who bring this man to
		me.

	INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky stands outraged.

				NICKY
		This is baloney!

				BEEFY
		He superimposed your head onto
		"Scarface."

				TODD
		...which is by far DePalma's best
		work...

	A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

	The pounding increases.

				NICKY
		I'm not Nicky.  I'm not home!  I don't
		live here!

				PETER
		Dude, it's us.  Let us in.

	Nicky opens the door.  Peter and John stumble in.

				JOHN
		There's like a total mob scene coming
		this way.

	We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.

				NICKY
		I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip.

	Todd i s looking out the window.

				TODD
		Looks like they're following a giant
		trail of bug shit.

				PETER
		What'll we do now, Beefy?

				BEEFY
		I don't know, this is a little out of my
		league.

	VOICES GROW LOUDER.

				VOICES (O.S.)
		Come on.  Let's get 'em.

				JOHN
		What would your dad do, Nicky?

				NICKY
		Good idea...kill me.

				PETER
		Dude.  Seriously?

				NICKY
		Yes.  I'll meet you at Grand Central at
		noon.  Okay.  Do me.  I command you.

				JOHN AND PETER
			(psyched)
		Alright!

	John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen
	counter.  Nicky is dazed.

				NICKY
		That just hurt a lot.

				TODD
		I've always wanted to kill someone.  Can
		I do it?

				JOHN
		Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.

	INT. BATHROOM - DAY

	Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd.  John
	and Peter watch happily.

				TODD
		Die, Grandma, die!

	Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up.  Pause.  The hand
	drops back in.  He's dead.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

	Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer.  He's holding cards, looking
	at his hand.

				LUCIFER
		Royal flush, you lose.  Off with the
		bra.

	The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip
	poker.  The Gatekeeper takes off his bra.  From behind, we
	see his breasts flop out.

				LUCIFER (CONT'D)
		Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big,
		two hillbillies were blowing on them.

	The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out.  The
	Monster laughs uproariously.  Nicky enters and moves to
	what's left of his dad.  Arms, torso, and a head (with one
	ear).

				NICKY
		Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after
		me.  He's always a step ahead.  What am
		I gonna do?

				DAD
		What are you gonna do?  Look at me,
		Nicky!  I got no legs, I got no hips, I
		got one ear...

	Dad's remaining ear falls out.

				DAD (CONT'D)
		I got no ears!  I can't hear!

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Now he's got no ears!  You happy, Nicky?
		Your father's got no ears!

				NICKY
		Uh, I'll do my best, Dad.  Do you have
		any advice at all for me?

				DAD
		I can't hear you, Nicky.  I can't hear
		anything!

	Jimmy picks up the ear.  Jimmy speaks into it.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Check one-two.  Check one-two.

				DAD
		Put it back on my head.  I'm falling
		apart here.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky.
			(putting ear back on Dad)
		You get your ass back up there.  You
		save your father!

	Nicky looks very upset.

	EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

	We see John and Peter enter frame.  Looking very nervous.

				PETER
		You sure you're down with this?

				JOHN
		Little nervous.  Wanna puke.

	They approach the cops guarding the door.

				JOHN (CONT'D)
		Looking for the chief.

				PETER
		We know where to find Nicky.

	COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.

	INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

	Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room,
	the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT
	SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		You have what I want?

				JOHN
		Sure do.  You got what we want?

				PETER
		Fifty million bones, bro.

	He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		That's half of it.  You get the rest
		when I get Nicky.

				PETER
		Excellent.  But I gotta warn you, man.
		He's not human.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		Really?

				JOHN
		We think he's the son of Satan.

	PAUSE.  The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does.  He walks
	over and picks them up by their throats.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		Well, then I guess I'll have to be extra
		careful.  Now where is he?

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

	We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall.  FIVE minutes til NOON.  We
	see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND
	CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops.  The chief
	bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.

				BAG LADY
		Hey, watch it!  Who do you think you
		are?

				CHIEF OF POLICE
			(never stopping)
		Emperor of the New Hell.

	They march through onto the platform for Track 33.

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

	We see Beefy and Todd waiting by the place where Nicky
	usually comes up.  It is hot down there.  Steam and smoke
	comes out of the tunnels.  Todd is nervous.

				TODD
		Where is he?  He's late.

				BEEFY
		He'll be here.  Just keep your cool,
		kid.

	They hear FOOTSTEPS.  They turn and see the chief of police
	backed up by the huge police force.

				BEEFY (CONT'D)
		We've been ratted out.

	Beefy and Todd turn to see John and Peter looking sheepish.

				TODD
		You guys.  That was so uncool.

				PETER
		We thought the son of Satan would
		understand a move like this.

	Peter and John high-five.

				CHIEF OF POLICE
		Okay, take these two outside.  I can
		handle this.

	The police grab Todd and put a leash on Beefy.  The cops lead
	their prisoners away down the tunnel, leaving John and Peter
	alone with the chief.

				CHIEF OF POLICE (CONT'D)
		Wanna see something cool?

	The chief inserts a finger into his nostril.  Then he fits
	his hand up there.  Soon his whole arm is up his nostril as
	he searches for something.  John and Peter are impressed.
	The chief grabs something and starts to pull.  Then out of
	his nose comes Adrian, who fully forms as the shell of the
	chief's body slumps to the ground.

				ADRIAN
		Ta-da.  So what time is my brother
		expected back?

				JOHN
		Noon...

	They look at the clock.  It's noon.

				JOHN (CONT'D)
		...ish.

	Peter is sweating, kinda nervous.

				PETER
		So even though you're not really the
		chief, we still get the rest of the
		cash, right bro?

				ADRIAN
		You know what you'll get?  An
		indescribably horrific torture
		administered by demons for the rest of
		eternity.

				JOHN
		But what about the cash?  Can we keep it
		or what?

				ADRIAN
		Sure, why not?

	They high five.  Adrian smiles and waits.  It is real hot
	down there.  We hear a train coming in the distance.  A fan
	circles slowly.  They all wait for him.

				LADY
			(mumbling to herself)
		Food stamps?
		They should call 'em "dude stamps."
		Cause ever time I get one, some dude
		takes it away...

	We see the HOMELESS LADY down the platform stumbling her way
	towards them, drunk.  Adrian scowls at her.

				LADY (CONT'D)
		Hey, studs.  I'll let you make out with
		me for a dollar!

				JOHN
		No thanks...but we'll take that bottle
		of booze.
			(grabs the bottle, laughs)

				LADY
		Hey...that's mine.

	Peter pushes her away.

				PETER
		Beat it, ya freak.

	John and Peter high five and John swigs from the bag.

				JOHN
		Schnapps...

				PETER
			(takes the bag, swigs)
		Peppermint...alright.

	Adrian raises his eyebrows.  We see that the homeless lady is
	actually VALERIE in disguise.  She looks back, tense.  John
	offers Adrian the flask.

				JOHN
		Wanna hit?

	Hands it to him.  He takes it.

				PETER
		Drink up.  Here's to fifty million
		clams.

				ADRIAN
		To the defilement of Earth and the
		corruption of its people.

				PETER
		Whatever.  Knock it back, grab Nicky and
		let's get outta this hell-hole.

	Adrian smiles at John, then raises the bag.  He stops just
	before it hits his lips.  He looks at John curiously.

				ADRIAN
		It is awfully hot down here.  How do you
		manage to stay so cool?

				JOHN
		Weed lowers the body temperature.
			(stuttering)
		I read that...in, uh...er, science
		magazine.

	Adrian stares at John.  He raises the bag again.

				ADRIAN
		This liquid will probably quench my
		thirst.  Cool me off.

				PETER
		Definitely.

				JOHN
		And give you a good buzz.

				ADRIAN
		Or maybe it will trap me inside for all
		eternity.

				JOHN
		Uh.  No it won't?

	John starts to tremble a bit.

				ADRIAN
		Oh, Nicky, I've missed you.  Come on out
		and say hello...

				JOHN
		Urr...uggg...errr...

				ADRIAN
			(eyes getting red)
		I'm calling you out, brother...

	Adrian is mentally pulling Nicky out of John.  Nicky/John
	wages an epic battle with himself as Adrian smiles.

				JOHN/NICKY
		Urrr...uggh...
			(as Nicky)
		Oww.  Adrian, this is very painful.

	Nicky comes flying out.  John's body slumps to the floor next
	to the chief's.  Adrian looks in the "Schnapps bottle" to see
	the flask wrapped in paper.  He peeks inside.

				ADRIAN
		Hello, Cassius.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		All right.  Let me out.

				ADRIAN
		You know, New Hell really only needs one
		new Satan.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		You mother...

	Adrian hands Nicky the flask.

				ADRIAN
		But Cassius could use some company for
		the rest of eternity.  So get in the
		flask.

	He puts the Flask in Nicky's hands.

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - MOMENTS LATER

	The police are escorting Beefy and Todd through the terminal.
	Beefy starts whining and stops.  The cops look down.  Beefy
	raises his leg.

				COP
		Oh, he's gotta pee.

	A thick, yellow smoke shoots out of Beefy, enveloping the
	group.  Beefy escapes and bolts back down stairs.

				TODD
		Run, Beefy!  Run!

	INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

	Adrian stares down Nicky.

				NICKY
		I won't drink.  You can't make me.

	Adrian looks over at Valerie.  Suddenly she comes flying over
	to him.  He grabs her by the throat.

	We hear a train coming in the distance.

				ADRIAN
		Of course I can.  Drink or she dies.
			(Nicky is scared)
		Unlike you, she won't come back from
		where she's going.

				NICKY
		Let her go.

				ADRIAN
		I hear a train coming.  Drink.

	The train sound is coming CLOSER.  Valerie looks at Nicky.
	Nicky raises the flash to drink.

				VALERIE
		Don't do it.

				NICKY
		I have to, Valerie.

	We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size
	archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into
	ADRIAN'S LEG.

				ADRIAN
		Ahhh!

				BEEFY
		Now that hurt the both of us.

	Valerie is able to escape momentarily.  Adrian reaches for
	her, grabbing her.  They both spin and fall down onto the
	tracks.  Right into the oncoming train.

				NICKY
		Valerie!!!

	Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from
	Adrian and tosses her off the tracks.  Adrian looks at Nicky.

				ADRIAN
		See you in Hell!

	WHAMM!  The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.

	INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS

	Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell.  He
	looks around.  Confused, there's no Nicky.

					DISSOLVE TO:

	EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY

	Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass.  He
	sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.

	Nicky looks around, alarmed.  He seems to be in a mountain
	vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps.  It's gorgeous.

	Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday
	cake.  Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating
	down to him.

	EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

	The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar.  After
	a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.

	INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA
	and CHRISTA.  They are doing arts and crafts sort of things
	on a glass table in front of them.  They stare at him.  Angel
	rises.

				ANGEL
		Oh. My. G-d.  I can't believe you're
		here.  Welcome.  Can I just tell you, I
		am so excited right now.

				CHRISTA
		So excited.

				JENNA
		She really is.

				NICKY
		That's terrific.  Now could you ladies
		point me to the Black Palace?  I should
		check in with my dad...

	Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.

				ANGEL
		I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

				JENNA
		Do you have any idea where you are right
		now?

				NICKY
		The home of eternal damnation, house of
		Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...

				ANGEL
		Maybe try the opposite of that.

	The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five.  Nicky's
	confused.

				ANGEL (CONT'D)
		Okay, can I just ask you something?
		What do you know about your mom?

				NICKY
		My brothers told me my mother was a
		mountain goat.  Which would explain my
		chronic halitosis.

				ANGEL
			(annoyed)
		A mountain goat?  That's really sweet.

				NICKY
		My mom wasn't a goat?

				ANGEL
		Try an angel.

				NICKY
		An angel?

				ANGEL
		Unh-huh.  Which would make you half
		angel.

	Nicky is floored.

				NICKY
		Wow.  What...what did she look like?

				ANGEL
		Well, she was about six-three, only
		spoke Portuguese and had really long
		grey hair.

	The GIRLS start laughing.

				ANGEL (CONT'D)
		I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on you.
		I'm your mom.

	Nicky is even more floored.  FLASH.  Jenna has taken a
	picture of Nicky.

				JENNA
		I'm sorry, but you just had the sweetest
		look on your face.

				CHRISTA
		You're gonna be so happy she did that.

				NICKY
			(stunned)
		How come you're not older?

				ANGEL
		Angels don't get any older, son.

				JENNA
		I can't believe you just called him
		"son."

				ANGEL
		Oh my G-d.  This is so wild.

	They laugh.  Nicky is quite baffled.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

	Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up
	by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne.
	Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand
	around.

				DAD
		I can't see shit.  You're all still
		here, right?

	Adrian enters.  They all cheer.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Adrian's here.  You'll be back to normal
		in a jiffy, sir.

				DAD LIPS
		Yea!  I can't believe little Nicky came
		through.

				ADRIAN
		Where's Nicky?

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		He came with you and Cassius, right?

				ADRIAN
		I came through that gate alone.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Sorry, sir, false alarm.

				DAD
		Boooo.

				ADRIAN
		Somebody explain what's going on.

	Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.

				GATEKEEPER
		You'll get nothing out of me.

				ADRIAN
		Perhaps a titty twister will loosen your
		lips.

	He twists a breast.  The Gatekeeper babbles out the
	information immediately.

				GATEKEEPER
		The only way to save your dad is for you
		and your brothers to pass through the
		gates at the same time before he
		deteriorates completely.

				ADRIAN
		How much time does Dad have before that
		happens?

	Adrian twists hard.

				GATEKEEPER
		Thirty minutes.  And then whoever claims
		his throne will have unimaginable power.

	Adrian throws him down.

				LUCIFER
		All boobs and no balls.

				ADRIAN
		Thirty minutes.  Hmmm.  I hope you don't
		mind if I take a seat while I wait for
		you.

	He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.

				DAD LIPS
		Ahhh!

	He pushes Lucifer out of the way.

				LUCIFER
		I don't get no respect.

				ADRIAN
		Ten thousand years.  And I never once
		got to sit here.

	He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little.  He
	grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		Wow.  And this is just a little taste of
		my power.

				DAD
		Hell's gonna bust wide open.  Demons,
		get him out of the chair!

	The demons approach.

				ADRIAN
		Ah-ah.  Not so fast, demons.  There are
		a couple of million evil souls on Earth
		ready to be harvested.  Anyone
		interested?

	The demons stop.  Now loyal to Adrian.  All except Jimmy.

	INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

	Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.

				NICKY
		Are you Adrian and Cassius' mom, too?

				CHRISTA
		No, their mother's weren't angels.

				ANGEL
		I think they were hookers or strippers
		or something really porno like...

	There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl
	Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.

				CHUBBS
		Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your
		Mambo lesson.

				ANGEL
		Oh, Chubbs.  I totally spaced.  I'm so
		sorry.  I have company.  It's my son,
		Nicky.  My son.  Can you believe it?

				CHUBBS
		Wow, that's terrific.

				ANGEL
		Nicky, this is Chubbs.  He used to be a
		golf pro, but up here he's the dopest
		dance instructor.

				CHUBBS
		You mambo?

				NICKY
		I don't think so.

				CHUBBS
		Remember, it's all in the hips.  It's
		all in the hips.

	Chubbs dances as he leaves.

				NICKY
		Where did you meet my father?

				ANGEL
		It was a long time ago, at some Heaven
		and Hell mixer.

				CHRISTA
		I remember that night, you had like four
		daiquiris.

				ANGEL
		Try four and a half.  At first I totally
		didn't like him.

				JENNA
		He was really conceited.

				ANGEL
		But I don't know, he was funny, he made
		me laugh, and I hate to say it but he
		had a really nice body.

				NICKY
		And that made you want to make a baby
		with him?

	The Angels laugh.

				ANGEL
		Well, I really wasn't thinking about
		making a baby at the time!

	Her cell-phone rings.  She answers it.

				ANGEL (CONT'D)
		Hello....yes, he's here with me now... I
		don't know if he's hot, he's my son, you
		perv!  I'll call you back...
			(laughs)
		Oh my G-d, I will call you back,
		goodbye.
			(hangs up)
		That was my friend, Michelle, she says
		"hi."

				NICKY
		Well tell her I said "hi" back.

	Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.

				ANGEL
		I'll call her later.

				CHRISTA
		You know, we saw you save your
		girlfriend's life.

				JENNA
		That was so cool.

				ANGEL
		That's why you came up to Heaven instead
		of Hell.  Self-sacrifice automatically
		gets you here.

				NICKY
		How did you see me?

				ANGEL
		We can see what's going on anywhere on
		Earth.  Look.

	Angel and the girls clear the junk from the glass table in
	front of them.  Angel touches the glass and it turns into a
	reflection of Earth below.

	EXT. TIME'S SQUARE - NIGHT

	People are rioting in the streets.  Looting appliance
	stores...

				ANGEL (O.S.)
		All these good people have totally been
		led astray.

				CHRISTA (O.S.)
		Show him Central Park.

	EXT. CENTRAL PARK LAWN - NIGHT

	People are drinking and smoking and burning things.  A large
	circle has formed around two old ladies who are fist
	fighting.  One old lady knocks the other to the ground, then
	jumps on her and starts wailing away.  The spectators
	exchange money.

				ANGEL (O.S.)
		There's like a three day rave goin' on
		down there.  No on is going to work
		anymore.

	Then suddenly we see the ground start to break up and Adrian
	on his throne start to be thrust upwards.  Demons swarm
	around him.

				ADRIAN
		Welcome to the party.  It's so nice to
		see all of you here.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Hey, that's Dad's throne!  How did
		Adrian get that?  Is Dad okay?

				ANGEL (O.S.)
		Let's see...

				     RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

	DAD LIPS are morosely talking to the Gatekeeper and Jimmy.

				DAD LIPS
		I was a good Devil, wasn't I?

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		You were the best Devil, boss, the best
		Devil!

				GATEKEEPER
		Absolutely.

				DAD LIPS
		I tried to do some interesting stuff...

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		You did amazing stuff!

				GATEKEEPER
		I don't know how you came up with some
		of it.

				DAD LIPS
		Really?  That means a lot to me.

				JENNA (O.S.)
		Oh my G-d.  He looks gross.

				ANGEL (O.S.)
		I can't believe I did it with him.

	She touches the pool again and the reflection changes to:

	EXT. NEW HELL THRONE - NIGHT

	Adrian steps off his throne onto a small stage flanked by SIX
	HERO DEMONS.  He begins addressing the crowd.

				ADRIAN
		I'm very proud of you.  You've taken to
		sin with minimal prompting.

	The crowd cheers.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		You're acting as if there is no Heaven
		or Hell.

	The crowd cheers.

	EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - NIGHT

	We see John, Peter, Beefy, Valerie and Todd hanging on
	flagpoles by their underwear.  Beefy is in a special fitted
	harness that looks like underwear.

				ADRIAN
		Well, I have some news.

	Adrian morphs into the Cardinal from earlier.

				CARDINAL
		There is most definitely a Hell!  And
		you're all going there when you die!
		Which will happen in about fifteen
		minutes.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

	The BAD PEOPLE realize they've been tricked into being bad
	and they get scared.
	The Preacher, who is now more battered from his fall through
	the plate glass window (ask Steve), yells out.

				PREACHER
		We really are gonna die!

	This kicks off a frenzy of the Scared Bad People trying to
	run away.  But they are stopped and herded back by DEMONS.

	EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

				PETER
		This don't look good.

				JOHN
		Can't Beefy use his penis powers to get
		us out of this?

				TODD
		They castrated him.  He can't shoot
		arrows, he can't piss smoke.

				BEEFY
		I can't screw.
			(whimpers)
		I can't screw.

	Valerie's crying.

	INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky is shocked.

				NICKY
		Valerie's crying!

				ANGEL
		She's so nice.

				CHRISTA
		She goes to Parson's, right?

				ANGEL
		I would totally love to go there.  But I
		hear it's really hard to get in.

				NICKY
		I gotta help her.  I gotta help Dad.  I
		gotta help everybody.

				ANGEL
		Yeah, you do...

	INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

	Adrian is looking at a clock tower that reads 11:45.

				ADRIAN (V.O.)
		At the stroke of midnight, my father
		will be completely deteriorated.  And
		all of your souls will be mine.

	EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

				ADRIAN
		Soon you will see things more horrible
		than you can even imagine.

	Adrian scans the crowd.  He sees...

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

	The Parsons STUDENT in the kimono dancing sexily.  Adrian is
	thrown.

	EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

				ADRIAN
		Not that horrible, but still pretty bad.

	Adrian motions to some of his guards.  They nod.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		So while we wait, for your enjoyment, I
		bring you a dear sweet man and an
		international icon...Henry Winkler!

	A frightened HENRY WINKLER is lead onto the stage prodded by
	two DEMONS.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

	The scared bad people finally smile.

	EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

				ADRIAN
		Covered in bees!

	We see Henry Winkler is suddenly covered head to in a swarm
	of bees.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

	The crowd gasps.

	INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky is starting to panic.

				NICKY
		But how can I win?  Adrian is stronger
		and smarter than me.

				ANGEL
		Stronger, yes.  Smarter, definitely.
		But you have something he doesn't have.

				NICKY
		A speech impediment?

	The girls laugh.

				ANGEL
		No, you have the inner light.  You can
		totally use it.  It's the best power of
		all.
			(he smiles)
		And in case you get in real bad trouble,
		G-d told me to give you this.

	She gives him an ornate, jewelled ball.

				NICKY
		What is it?

				ANGEL
		I'm not a hundred percent on that.  G-d
		said when the time comes, you'll know
		what to do.

				CHRISTA
		G-d's so smart.

				JENNA
		The smartest.

				ANGEL
		Well, goodbye...for now.
			(looks at his face)
		Can I just do this?

	She licks her finger and wipes some dirt off his forehead.

				ANGEL (CONT'D)
		That was such a Mom thing, wasn't it?

				FRIEND
		Totally.

				NICKY
		Well, nice meeting you, Jenna, Christa.
			(to Angel)
		Would it be okay if I called you Mommy?

				ANGEL
		It would be so okay.

	Nicky hugs his Mom.

				NICKY
		Well, Mommy, get me to the big apple
		cause I'm gonna rock that town like a
		hurricane.

				ANGEL (O.S.)
		You're already there...

	EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND SHORE - NIGHT

	Nicky dissolves into walking.  He checks his pocket to see
	the ball.  He looks up to see fifteen Demons marching towards
	him, ready to attack.  Nicky closes his eyes and
	concentrates.

				NICKY
		Release...the good.

	When he opens them, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES are floating around
	the head of five of the DEMONS.  They stop approaching.
	THEIR EYES TURN FROM WHITE BACK TO NORMAL.  And their facial
	expression changes to happiness.  They wave at the
	butterflies.

	ANGLE ON

	MORE DEMONS keep closing.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Release the good...

	Five more are stopped by something.  They look down and see
	fluffy white BUNNY RABBITS at their feet.  They start petting
	them.

	The REMAINING DEMONS advance on Nicky.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Release the awesome.

	...then stop, their path blocked by a very large bucket of
	POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN.  The Demons consider the bucket of
	chicken.  One Demon takes out a piece.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Put it in your mouth and let it slide
		down your throat-hole.

	The Demon bites into it.  He can't help but grin a little.

				DEMON
		Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

	The OTHER SOULS dig into the bucket.

	EXT. CLOCK TOWER - CONTINUOUS

	Only ten minutes left.

	EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

	The dudes on the flagpoles are chatting nervously.

				TODD
		One thing I really regret is never
		having experimented sexually.

				PETER
		You mean, like, experiment with a Bunsen
		Burner?  What are you talking about?

				JOHN
		He means getting it on with someone like
		that freak.

	ANGLE ON:

	The student dancing for a mesmerized Demon.

	BACK ON PETER, TODD and JOHN

				TODD
		His name is Andrew.  I know that guy.

				JOHN
		Of course you do, Tommy Tune.

	EXT. CENTRAL PARK PATH - NIGHT

	Nicky leads his small army of reformed Demons (followed by
	butterflies & bunnies and carrying the chicken bucket) down
	the path toward the rally.  We see they have a golden
	light/haze of good around them.

	EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

	Adrian is underneath Valerie.

				ADRIAN
		You know, from this angle, you're kind
		of cute.

				VALERIE
		You think so?  Why don't you come a
		little closer and I'll show you a better
		angle.

	He moves a little closer, and she spits on him.  He smiles.
	Opens his mouth and catches her spit.  He swallows.

				ADRIAN
		Yummy.

	Everyone is grossed out.

				TODD
		Oh my G-d, he just opened his mouth and
		swallowed that spit.

				BEEFY
		That turn you on there, RuPaul?

				ADRIAN
		Keep it up and I just might make you my
		Queen for a night or two.

				JOHN
		You want a queen?  Got one right here.

	John points at Todd.  They laugh.  Adrian gets closer to
	Valerie.  Just then a big butterfly appears on his shoulder.
	He looks down to see:

	Nicky standing there with his army.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		Little Nicky.

				NICKY
		Adrian, I'm asking you nicely, in the
		name of all that is good: release my
		friends and get in the flask.

				ADRIAN
		Is this a joke?

				NICKY
		No.  It's the inner light.  And with it
		we can defeat anything you've got.

				REFORMED DEMON
			(eating Popeye's chicken)
		It's true!

	Adrian glares down at the REFORMED DEMON.  His eyes shoot out
	an evil ray.

	The Reformed Demon explodes into a million pieces.  His
	golden insides splatter on the crowd.

	The Army of Good is shaken.  Another Demon lowers his
	chicken.

				ANOTHER REFORMED DEMON
		It's not true?

	The BUCKET OF CHICKEN sprouts legs and runs away.  Nicky
	steps forward bravely.

				NICKY
		Okay, Adrian, you've left me with no
		choice.

	Nicky leaves frame and he flies up towards Adrian.

	 EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

	Nicky lands on both feet standing before Adrian.

				NICKY
		Love lifts me up where I belong.

	ANGLE ON

	Crowd reacts.

	ON HELL STAGE

	Demons are ready to attack.  Adrian waves them off.

				ADRIAN
		Not bad, little brother.  Let's see what
		you've got.

	Nicky thinks, holds out his hands.  A rainbow shoots out onto
	the stage between them.  PAUSE.  We see that a cute little
	chipmunk is standing on it's hindlegs eating a nut.

	ON CROWD

	The army of good and scared bad people applaud as they see
	this.

	BACK ON HELL STAGE

	Adrian nods, holds out his arms and a red stream shoots out.
	He has made a terrible PYTHON that comes over and eats the
	baffled chipmunk in one bite.

	Nicky raises his hand and: turns the snake into a row of
	flowers.

	Adrian raises his hand and a crazed MEXICAN GARDNER with a
	lawn mower comes by and mows them down.

	Nicky turns the Gardner and his lawn mower into a MOTHER
	pushing a NEW BORN BABY in a carriage.

	Adrian turns the baby in the carriage into an EVIL DWARF who
	leaps out and starts beating up on the mother.

	Nicky turns the Mother into a HOT GIRL DWARF.  The evil Dwarf
	stops beating her up and holds her hand.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		Enough.  I'm going to kill you with my
		bare hands.

	Adrian punches Nicky hard in the jaw.  He goes flying off the
	platform.

	Nicky's body falls towards the ground.  It's about to hit,
	when a soft bed of posts and fluffy pillows break his fall.

	INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS

	We now see Angel, Jenna, Christa and SEVEN OTHER GIRLS
	watching the action on the table.

				ANGEL
		I totally had to do that.

				ALL THE GIRLS
		Yah you did.

	CHUBBS is there, too.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

	Nicky looks up to see Adrian flying down towards him.  Nicky
	rolls away at the last second.  Adrian hits the bed hard and
	bounces up.  Nicky grabs him mid-bounce and slams him back
	down into the golden/brass headboard of the bed.  Nicky holds
	out the flask.

				NICKY
		Now I'm asking you nicely, get in the
		flas...

	Adrian grabs a pillow and hits Nicky hard in the face,
	sending him flying off the bed.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Oh, you wanna a pillow fight, do you?!

	Nicky is an expert pillow fighter.  He lands a series of
	awesome, almost Matrix-like pillow moves.  Adrian is dazed.

	Nicky finishes him off by tossing the pillow high in the air
	to him.  Adrian looks up to catch it and just before it
	lands, Nicky steps up and pops him in the face.  Adrian goes
	down hard.  Nicky towers over him.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Now will you get in the flask?

				ADRIAN
		Absolutely not.

	Adrian turns to his demons.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		A little help over here.

	A bunch of Demons advance.

	ON FLAGPOLE

	We see Henry Winkler, swollen with bee stings, valiantly run
	over and lowers the five from the flagpoles.

	ON ADRIAN

	He looks up and glares at Henry.

				ADRIAN (CONT'D)
		Henry!

	ON FLAGPOLE

	Henry's eyes widen.

				HENRY WINKLER
		Oh no.

	He is covered in bees again.

	BACK ON ADRIAN

	He turns his attention back to Nicky who is grabbed by
	demons.  Adrian brings the flask to his lips, but he won't
	open his mouth.

	Adrian pinches Nicky's nose closed so he has to open his
	mouth.

				ADRIAN
		Goodbye, Nicky.

	We hear CASSIUS banging against the walls.

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		Come on in, bro.

	Nicky can't hold his breath and opens his mouth.  Adrian jams
	the flask in his mouth and Nicky starts to get sucked in.
	Adrian smiles.  But just before Nicky is gone, he manages to
	grab Adrian's coat tail and yank him into the flask with him.

	As the flask hits the ground, we HEAR:

				CASSIUS (O.S.) (CONT'D)
		Thank you, Nicky.  Cause now I'm gonna
		bust Adrian's head wide open.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		I was going to let you out, eventually,
		Cassius.  I swear.

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Sole ruler of Hell and Earth is what I
		heard him keep saying.

	We HEAR the sounds of a struggle.

	All the Demons and all the people of NEW YORK form a large
	circle around the flask.  Valerie and the gang make it down
	off the stage.

	We HEAR crazy sounds as the FLASK starts to jump.  The crowd
	REACTS.  A big dent pops out from the inside, followed by a
	horrible thud.

				VALERIE
		Nicky!

				NICKY (O.S.)
		That was Cassius!

	The FLASK starts rolling over and over on the road.  People
	get out of the way as if it were real people fighting in the
	street.  They root for their side.

				DEMON
		Kill him, Adrian.

	John and Peter start beating up the Demon.

	INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

	The Angel and the Friend are praying.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

	We HEAR banging and beating and yelling from inside and then
	the flask stops bouncing.  SILENCE.  Everybody outside holds
	their breath.  Slowly out of the spout crawls NICKY.

	HOORAY.  Valerie, John, Todd and Beefy and all the living
	people CHEER.  The student, very happy, opens his kimono.
	The people and demons near him are grossed out.

	Valerie goes tot he very beaten up Nicky and hugs him.

				VALERIE
		Where'd a sweet Southern boy learn to
		fight like that?

				NICKY
		From my dad's side of the family.

	She laughs and kisses him on the mouth.  The crowd CHEERS.
	But Nicky won't stop kissing her.  She starts to struggle for
	air.  Nicky presses harder and starts to laugh.

	The crowd stops CHEERING.  Valerie is waving her arms for
	help.  Nicky turns into Adrian during the kiss.  Adrian lets
	her go.  And we hear ADRIAN'S familiar laugh.

				ADRIAN
		What?  No tongue?

	Adrian pulls his head back, his tongue is huge and he turns
	into a GIANT BAT.  He lets out a huge roar, then flies
	around, laughing, scaring people.

	Valerie runs over and picks up the flask.  She looks inside.

				VALERIE
			(whispering)
		Nicky. Nicky.

	No response.

				VALERIE (CONT'D)
		You gotta fly out...I know you can do
		it.
			(still no response)
		Do it for the butterflies.

	A long beat, then:

				NICKY (O.S.)
		Butterflies...

	And Nicky shoots right out of the top of the flask and lands
	on his feet.  Adrian lands and stares down Nicky.  The clock
	is one minute from midnight.

	Adrian swoops down.  Nicky thinks quick and pulls out the
	BALL his Mom gave him and smashes it on the ground.  Out of
	it forms metal G-d: OZZY OSBORNE.

				OZZY
		Hello, New York.

				JOHN AND PETER
		Ozzy.

	They faint.

	The Bat's eyes go wide in fear.  Ozzy grabs the bat, his
	mouth grows big, and he bites the bat's head off.  Valerie
	hands Ozzy the flask.

				VALERIE
		Put him in, Ozzy.

	Ozzy spits the bat head into the flask.

	EXT. CLOCK TOWER

	The clock reads: 00:23 seconds left.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

	Dad is just a very thin pair of lips and one finger.  The
	FINGER is going up and down on the lips, making silly sounds.
	The Gatekeeper, the Monster, Jimmy the Demon and Lucifer are
	on their backs crying like babies.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

				VALERIE
		Grand Central, Nicky.  Start running.

				JOHN
		He'll never make it.

				PETER
		You gotta kill yourself.

				NICKY
		I'll just go to Heaven.

				BEEFY
		No if you do something bad right before
		you die.

	PAUSE.  Everyone looks around.  Nicky spots Henry Winkler.

				HENRY WINKLER
		Aw, man, not again.

				NICKY
		Sorry, Henry.
			(focuses)
		Release the Evil.

	Henry is covered in bees once again.

	ON NICKY AND VALERIE

	Nicky picks up a big rock and hands it to Valerie.

				NICKY (CONT'D)
		Do me.

				VALERIE
		I love you.

				NICKY
		I love you.

	Valerie smashes the rock on Nicky's head, killing him.

	ON CLOCK TOWER

	Six seconds left.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

	The lips and finger are slowing down.

	INT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

	Nicky triumphantly passes through the wall of fire and it
	starts burning again behind him.  And now all the BACKED UP
	SOULS fall out on top of Nicky.

	The Gatekeeper APPLAUDS.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

	The STAGE, the DEMONS and everything that raised from Hell
	now descends quickly into the ground.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

	Dad's lips form a body around it.  Dad FILLS IN.

	EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

	The good people of New York cheer.  We see John, Peter, Todd,
	Valerie, Beefy and the Student, who of course is dancing
	seductively.

	EXT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

	Angel is so proud.

				ANGEL
		Okay, you just saw my son save the
		universe.  Right?!

	Everyone cheers.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

	Dad and Nicky are hugging.

				DAD
		You came through, Nicky.

				NICKY
		I came through for you, Mom and the
		butterflies, Dad.

				DAD
		You're back in Hell now, kid.  There's
		no butterflies here.  If you want
		butterflies, you need to be on Earth.

				NICKY
		What about you and Grandpa and everyone
		in Hell?

				DAD
		Nicky, I let my butterflies die once
		upon a time and it's never stopped
		hurting.
			(Dad looks up)
		That's right, you heard me, Holly.  I'm
		still in love with you.

	INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

	Angel is shocked.

				ANGEL
		Oh my G-d.  He's totally talking about
		me.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

				DAD
		And don't think I forgot about how crazy
		you get after a few daiquiris.

	INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

				FRIEND
		That guy is still a horn dog.

	INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

	Dad turns to Nicky.

				DAD
		Listen, I got down low.  Your mom's got
		up high.  You take care of the middle.

				NICKY
		I will, Dad.  But in the words of Motley
		Crue, this will always be my...home
		sweet home...

	He pats him on the back.

				JIMMY THE DEMON
		Sorry to interrupt guys, but it's time
		for Hitler's punishment.

				LUCIFER
		Let me handle that.

	Lucifer walks over to the closet.

				LUCIFER (CONT'D)
		And I'm not using a pineapple this time.

	He pulls out the flask.

				ADRIAN (O.S.)
		No!

				CASSIUS (O.S.)
		Don't do it!

	He shoves the flask up Hitler's ass.  Hitler's face tightens.

				HITLER
		Holy Schnit!

	FREEZE FRAME, then:

					DISSOLVE TO:

	ONE YEAR LATER

	Over the skyline of Manhattan.

	EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK WEST

	PAN UP from a moving baby stroller to reveal Nicky and
	Valerie both pushing it.  We see Beefy walking with them.
	Unbelievably happy.

	A nice OLD LADY bends down to the stroller.

				LADY
		Oh...what an uncommonly beautiful baby.

				VALERIE
		Thank yo.

				LADY
		Such a little angel.

				BEEFY
		Only a quarter, ma'am.

	She tickles the baby.  It giggles and a small stream of fire
	shoots out of his mouth and singes the Old Lady's eyebrows.

				NICKY
		Zachariah, say you're sorry.

				BABY ZACHARIAH
			(sounds like Nicky)
		Sorry.

	The Lady scurries away.  Nicky and Valerie laugh and continue
	walking in absolute bliss.  They pass the Preacher who runs
	towards us.

				PREACHER
		He has spilled his seed!  He is
		multiplying!  Beware the progeny of the
		unholy union!  We're all gonna die!

	The Preacher runs straight into the camera.  BLACK.

					    THE END.