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Pineapple Express Movie Script

Writer(s) : Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Genres : Comedy, Crime, Thriller

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                         PINEAPPLE EXPRESS


                             Written by
          
              Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg
          
          
          
                                               November 28, 2006
          
          
          EXT. FARMLAND - DAWN
          
          IN BLACK AND WHITE, A black 1930s Cadillac speeds down       
          the only visible road amidst endless plains of farmland.
          The road curves sharply ahead - the car accelerates.
          Ignoring the turn, the Caddy drives directly off the road
          and through a massive field of emptiness.
          
          The car abruptly stops in the middle of the vacant field.
          GENERAL BRAT (58, a patch covers one of his eyes) and
          AGENT BLACK SUIT (an agent in a black suit) step out of
          the car.
          
          Although there is clearly nothing in sight for miles, the
          General scans his surroundings with concern.
          
          TITLE CARD UP: THE PAST                                      
          
          Agent Black Suit crouches down and pulls open a METAL
          HATCH in the ground. Both men walk down the hatch and
          into the earth.
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - MOMENTS LATER
          
          They descend a metal staircase and walk with great
          urgency down a narrow corridor. The hallway spills into a
          hauntingly huge metal room with a lone SCIENTIST standing
          in the middle. The Scientist immediately begins leading
          them across the room.
          
                                 GENERAL BRAT
                    When did it start?
          
                                 SCIENTIST
                    At 05:00. We're seven minutes in.
          
          
          INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
          
          The three men enter a large room divided by a one-way
          mirror.
          
          On their side, numerous SCIENTISTS, utilizing several
          archaic devices, are busy at work monitoring the subject
          on the other side of the mirror.
          
          The subject: PRIVATE MILLER (22, naive and dutiful) sits
          at a small table with a microphone on it. Miller raises
          his hand, REVEALING a smoldering JOINT.
          
                                                                    2
          
          
          He takes a long and awkward hit from the joint and bursts
          into a coughing fit.
          
          The scientists begin to scribble profusely as their
          devices blink manically. General Brat and Agent Black
          Suit exchange a concerned look. The General lights a
          cigarette as the Scientist steps up to a small microphone
          in the corner.
          
                                 SCIENTIST
                           (into microphone)
                    Private Miller, we are now going to ask
                    you several questions. How do you feel?
          
          His voice booms through large speakers on Miller's side
          of the room. Miller leans towards the microphone.
          
                                  PRIVATE MILLER
                    Uh, I feel a little queer sir. But...
                    It's good. Good queer.
                           (beat)
                    Sir. Good queer, Sir.
          
          The scientists scribble madly. One of them mumbles into
          General Brat's ear.
          
                                 PRIVATE MILLER (CONT'D)
                    But...uh...even though I feel queer, Sir,
                    I should mention that I'm also feeling
                    quite gay...so, a little queer, but
                    mostly gay.
          
                                 SCIENTIST
                    Private Miller. When you think of your
                    superiors, what emotions do you feel?
          
                                 PRIVATE MILLER
                           (holding out the joint)
                    This went out...Sir.
          
                                 SCIENTIST
                    We will send someone in. Now answer the
                    question.
          
          A door opens beside Private Miller and an AGENT steps out
          wearing an intricate uniform that resembles an old
          fashioned diving suit, an air hose leading out the door
          that he came from. He slowly walks toward the Private,
          who looks at him in shock.
          
                                 SCIENTIST (CONT'D) (O.S)
                           (through speakers)
                    Private Miller? Answer the question.
          
                                                                     3
          
          
          
                                 PRIVATE MILLER
                    Oh...um...what was the question again?
          
          The Agent in the strange suit reaches the private and
          holds a lighter up to the joint.
          
                                 SCIENTIST (O.S.)
                           (through speakers)
                    What are your emotions towards your
                    superiors?
          
          Miller pulls at the joint until it is lit again. The
          Agent exits the room.
          
                                  PRIVATE MILLER
                     COUGH   COUGH  Fucking shit.
                           (beat)
                    Well, now that I think of it, it's
                    strange that they are called my
                    `superiors'. Does that make me their
                    `inferior'? I mean, that's pretty fucked
                    up.
          
          General Brat scowls.
          
                                 GENERAL BRAT
                           (curtly to the scientists)
                    I've seen enough. Shut it down. Bury the
                    hatch, sell the land, and dispose of him.
                    This never happened.
          
          Instantly, the scientists start packing up their
          equipment. Staring at Miller, General Brat grabs a RED
          PHONE and dials. Two Agents in the scuba-like suits
          emerge from behind Miller and start aggressively dragging
          him away.
          
                                 PRIVATE MILLER
                           (freaking out)
                    Hey! What the...what are you guys doing!              
                    Let go of me!
                           (desperately looking at the
                            mirror)
                    Sir!!! Sir!!! Help me!!!
          
                                  GENERAL
                           (into phone)
                    This is General Brat. We've reached a
                    final conclusion on Item 9.
                           (beat)
                    Illegal.
          
          He hangs up the phone.
          
                                                                     4
          
          
          
          CUT TO BLACK.
          
          TITLE CARD UP: THE PRESENT                                      
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS                                    
          
          DALE DENTON (late 20s, out of shape, slightly unkempt)
          looks out of place in his black suit as he drives he sits       
          in his cluttered and worn old lady car. He smokes a joint       
          while listening to talk radio.                                  
          
                                 TALK RADIO DJ                            
                    Well, let's look at the facts.                        
                    Financially, coins are better because                 
                    they're cheaper, and environmentally,                 
                    forget-about-it, coins win hands down.                
                    For those just joining us, we're with                 
                    caller Dale Denton discussing if America              
                    should lose the paper dollar bill.                    
          
          We see that Dale has a wireless ear piece in.                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Of course not! Who wants a pocket full of             
                    coins? Seriously. Weighs down your pants,             
                    clangs around. With all this unnecessary              
                    new security everywhere, we'll be setting             
                    off alarms left and right!                            
          
                                 TALK RADIO DJ                            
                    We certainly do, Mr. Denton. Crude, but               
                    to the point. Next caller!                            
          
          Dale puts away his phone and pulls up in front of a nice        
          house.                                                          
          
          
          EXT. FRONT DOOR - MOMENTS LATER                                 
          
          Dale, wearing a name tag that reads "Garth", holding a          
          clip board and wearing a greenpeace hat, knocks                 
          repeatedly on the door. A woman cautiously answers the          
          door.                                                           
          
                                 WOMAN                                    
                    Um, I didn't order a pizza.                           
          
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Excuse me, miss? Are you Sandra Danby                 
          
                                                                     5
          
          
          
                                  WOMAN                                   
                    Uh...yea-                                             
          
          Dale shoves an envelope into her hand.                          
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Sorry, miss, but you've failed to show up             
                    to your divorce proceedings 4 times under             
                    court order. You've been served.                      
          
                                 WOMAN                                    
                    Oh great! Thanks a lot asshole! Real                  
                    clever! Go fuck yourself!                             
          
          Dale dashes back to his car as the upset woman starts to        
          open the envelope.                                              
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - SOON AFTER                                    
          
          Dale is driving and smoking a joint. He looks at his            
          check list - it is a list of people he served that day.         
          He's only got a few left. He listens to a different talk        
          radio dj while playing music from a tiny iPod boom box          
          that sits in his passenger seat.                                
          
                                 TALK RADIO DJ 2                          
                    ...forget about Area 51, Roswell                      
                    sightings, Atlantis and the Boogie Man,               
                    let's talk about real threats, threats to             
                    our home and security...                              
          
                                  DALE                                    
                    Fuckin' eh.                                           
          
          His iPod starts playing HOT STEPPA by INI KAMOZE.               
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                    Nice! Hot Steppa!                                     
          
          Dale turns down the talk radio and puffs away at his            
          joint; he enthusiastically dances in his car while              
          singing along.                                                  
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                           (singing)
                    You think you know, chico/I know what Bo,
                    don't know/touch them up and go - uh oh!/
                    Chi-chi-ching-chang!!!                                
          
                                                                     6
          
          
          
          
          INT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER                                    
          
          Dale, wearing a Zerox hat, walks into the building.             
          
                                 SECRETARY                                
                    Can I help you?                                       
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Just here to check out some units.                    
          
          The secretary nods and goes back to her work. Dale              
          casually waltzes down the office halls looking at the           
          names on the doors. He glances down at his clipboard, it        
          read: Walter Tandum.                                            
          
          He finds the office and knocks on the door.                     
          
                                    WALTER (O.S.)                         
                    Come in.                                              
          
          Dale enters to see Walter, a 40 year old accountant,            
          seated at his desk.                                             
          
                                 WALTER (CONT'D)                          
                    Oh! Hey there. Are you here to fix the                
                    fax machines?                                         
          
                                    DALE                                  
                    Nope.                                                 
          
          Dale drops a blue envelope on Walter's desk.                    
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                    You owe American Express $4068 dollars.               
                    Sorry, but you've been served.                        
          
          Dale turns and walks away. As he does, he notices a small       
          kitchen. He enters and is delighted at the array of             
          snacks and beverages. He helps himself.                         
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - LATER                                         
          
          Dale is parked at a look-out enjoying the food, smoking         
          weed and has his ear piece in.                                  
          
                                 RADIO DJ 3                               
                    What gives you the right to say that?                 
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Everything! They should be able to                    
                    collect garbage TWICE a week. Why not?                
                                 (MORE)
          
                                                                     7
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    As a tax payer, can't I say that? Come                
                    get my garbage a bit more! Is that so f-              
                    ing crazy? I'm not asking for free beer               
                    Tuesday's or anything. And the whole city             
                    would be more aesthetically pleasing and              
                    smell better. And don't pretend you can't             
                    smell it. Ever been to New York? Great                
                    place, smells like piss, though.                      
                           (takes a hit and starts                        
                            coughing)                                     
                    Twice a week,  cough  might fix that.                 
                           (starts coughing harder)                       
                    Hold on one sec.                                      
          
          
          EXT. HOSPITAL - LATER                                           
          
          Dale gets out of his car, followed by some plumes of            
          smoke, and goes to his trunk. He chuckles as he takes out       
          a lab coat and walks towards the hospital.                      
          
          
          INT. HOSPITAL - SOON AFTER                                      
          
          Dale, looking very professional in his lab coat, rushes         
          to reception.                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    I need Dr. Terrence, immediately.                     
          
                                 RECEPTIONIST                             
                    Of course. One moment.                                
          
          The receptionist immediately picks up the phone.                
          
          
          INT. HOSPITAL - MOMENTS LATER                                   
          
          DR. TERRENCE runs towards reception, where Dale is still        
          waiting.                                                        
          
                                 DR. TERRENCE                             
                           (to Dale)                                      
                    Hi there, I don't think we've met, I'm-               
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Dr. Edgar Terrence. You're the guy who                
                    repeatedly refused to take care of the                
                    monkey tree that spills onto your                     
                    neighbors property. And now, because of               
                    that, you've been served.                             
          
                                                                     8
          
          
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - LATER                                         
          
          Dale hits a pipe. It is clear he strongly disagrees with        
          what the DJ is saying.                                          
          
                                 TALK RADIO DJ                            
                    ...stay in your own country. Five simple              
                    words. And stay the hell out of mine! I'm             
                    not a racist, per se, but I'm not some                
                    hippy tree humper.                                    
          
          We see his ear piece and hear that he is on hold.               
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Let me through, damnit.                               
          
          
          EXT. HOTEL - VALET                                              
          
          Dale, wearing a chauffeur hat, stands by the main               
          entrance holding a sign that reads: JOSH CORBER. A man          
          walks out of the hotel and, seeing the sign, approaches         
          Dale.
          
                                 CORBER                                   
                    My name's Corber.                                     
          
                                 DALE
                    You're Joshua Aaron Corber?                           
          
                                 CORBER                                   
                           (overjoyed)
                    Get out of town! Clarice did this, didn't
                    she? I was just telling her before I left
                    how I've never been in a limo. Can you
                    believe it? 35 and I've never been in a
                    limo. Man! It's not stretched, is it?
          
          Dale hands him a BLUE ENVELOPE.
          
                                 DALE
                    Sorry, but you've been served.
          
          Dale walks away. CORBER opens the envelope and reads it.        
          
                                 CORBER                                   
                    Ah fuck!
                           (reads more)
                    Fuck! You fucking asshole!!! FUCK!
          
                                                                      9
          
          
          
          Dale completely ignores Corber as he dumps the sign and          
          walks out of the airport. Then, a huge smile comes across
          his face. He has noticed a nearby Burger King.
          
                                 DALE
                           (excited)
                    Hey! Nice. New chicken fries.
          
          He happily walks toward the food.
          
          
          INT - DALE'S CAR - DAY
          
          Dale sits in his car   outside a high school. An array of        
          Burger King wrappers   surrounds him as he rolls a joint         
          with the last of his   weed on top of a Batman comic. He         
          lights the joint and   turns on the radio.                       
          
                                 RADIO DJ                                  
                    ...3:09 in the PM and we-                              
          
          Dale turns off the radio, takes one last haul, and then          
          snubs out the joint. He then pulls out a small leather           
          kit and sifts through it's contents: handi-wipes, hand           
          sanitizer, a little vial of cologne, Visine, mouthwash           
          and breath mints.                                                
          
          Dale vigorously wipes his hands, face, and mouth with wet        
          naps and then starts futilely attempting to put visine in        
          his blazing red eyes. Frustrated, he squirts Visine all          
          over his finger tips and simply rubs them into his eyes.         
          He uses the mouthwash, chews up a mint, dabs on some             
          cologne, and then gets out of the car.                           
          
          
          EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS                                    
          
          Dale walks towards the school.                                   
          
                                   ANGIE                                   
                    Dale!                                                  
          
          Dale turns to see his attractive 19 year old girlfriend,         
          ANGIE ANDERSON, walking towards him with her group of            
          friends. She kisses him.                                         
          
                                   ANGIE (CONT'D)                          
                    Mmm. Minty.                                            
          
                                 ANGIE'S MALE FRIEND                       
                    Yo Dale. `sup.                                         
          
                                                                 10
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Hey Kyle.                                          
                           (to Angie)                                  
                    So, should we head back to my place and            
                    finish up the trilogy? Matrix:                     
                    Revolution. Whose it gonna be, Angie? Man          
                    or machine?                                        
          
                                 ANGIE                                 
                    Of course. But can we just head to my              
                    locker first? I left some stuff by                 
                    mistake.                                           
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Sure.                                              
          
          
          INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SOON AFTER                                
          
          Dale and Angie walk hand in hand towards the locker.         
          
                                 ANGIE                                 
                    So, are you going to come over for dinner          
                    tomorrow, `cause my parents are beginning          
                    to think I made you up.                            
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Well, yeah, I really want to meet them.            
                    Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow...let me              
                    think.                                             
          
                                 ANGIE                                 
                    You don't have to feel weird about it.             
                    They know how old you are and they're              
                    fine with it. They just want to meet you           
                    and see that you're a cool guy and that            
                    I'm not dating you just because you're             
                    older.                                             
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Of course. I know that. It's                       
                    just...tomorrow's tight. I've got a whole          
                    bunch of cases that I can finish                   
                    tomorrow. It's probably going to take me           
                    into the night.                                    
          
                                 ANGIE                                 
                    Fuck. Well, then you have to just come             
                    over sometime this week or something,              
                    okay? `Cause it's getting weird for them.          
          
                                                                    11
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    I will. I promise. I'm not trying to                  
                    avoid this, for real, I've just been                  
                    crazy busy.                                           
          
                                 TEACHER                                  
                    Hello? Can I help you?                                
          
          Dale and Angie turn to see a TEACHER, a guy about the           
          same age as Dale.                                               
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Pardon?                                               
          
                                 TEACHER                                  
                    You can't just waltz in here and hit on               
                    the students. Get out now before I-                   
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    Mr. Edwards, he's my boyfriend.                       
          
          Mr. Edwards looks at Dale, then shoots Angie a confused         
          look.                                                           
          
                                 MR. EDWARDS                              
                    This is your boyfriend? How old are you,              
                    30?                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    24.                                                   
          
                                 MR. EDWARDS                              
                    And you're dating an 18 year old?                     
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    I'm 19. I moved here from Morocco.                    
          
          Dale doesn't know what to make of Mr. Edwards comments          
          and looks.                                                      
          
                                 MR. EDWARDS                              
                    Alright, well this school is for students             
                    and faculty only. Friends can't just stop             
                    by.                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Dude, you may be a teacher here, but                  
                    we're about the same age, so don't get                
                    all high and mighty. It's not that weird.             
                    Frankly, it's natural.                                
          
                                                                    12
          
          
          
                                 MR. EDWARDS                              
                    Well, in that case, get off school                    
                    property or I'm calling the Police                    
                    Liaison officer. Angie, no offense to                 
                    you, but if this guy's dating someone                 
                    your age, it's because nobody his age                 
                    will date him.                                        
          
          Then, four HANDSOME AND FIT STUDENTS walk by.                   
          
                                 HANDSOME STUDENT                         
                    Hey Angie. You were hilarious in drama                
                    today.                                                
          
          Angie smiles at the guys. Dale doesn't like how all this        
          is going down.                                                  
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    I'll wait in the car.                                 
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER                                 
          
          Dale and Angie sit in the parked car making out.                
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    So, do you want to get some food?                     
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    No...actually I can't. I have to go serve             
                    a guy.                                                
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    Now?                                                  
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Yeah. It sucks. I'm sorry. We can hang                
                    out later though. You can come over.                  
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    We'll see if Neo is truly the one.                    
                                                                          
          
          They share a long kiss, and Angie gets out of the car.          
          Dale watches her walk away, then whips out his cell phone       
          and hits speed dial.
          
                                 SAUL (O.S.)
                           (over phone)
                    Yo?
          
                                                                 13
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    Yo. It's Dale. Mind if I come by and pick
                    up some shit?
          
          
          INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - LATER
          
          SAUL SILVER is constructing a CROSS-SHAPED JOINT (two
          joints that intersect one another). Pot and paraphernalia
          are scattered all over the coffee table. A large
          "Scarface" movie poster hangs on the wall. There is a
          knock at the door and Dale enters.
          
                                 DALE
                    What's up, Saul.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (unpleasantly surprised)
                    What the fuck?!?
          
                                 DALE
                    What?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did
                    you get in here?
          
                                 DALE
                    Whoa...sorry, man. someone just let me
                    in. I-
          
                                 SAUL
                    That's fucked up, man! This building is
                    filled with fuckin' assholes. What else
                    is the buzzer for? Fuck.
          
                                 DALE
                    I'll buzz next time, man. I'm real sorry.          
                    I'm just not familiar with your,                   
                    uh...protocol yet.                                 
          
                                 SAUL
                    Hey, stuff your sorry's i n a sack, bro.           
                    We're always cool. It's those fuckin'
                    jaggoffs.
          
                                 DALE
                    Um...sure.
          
          Dale awkwardly sits down on the other side of the couch.
          
                                                                    14
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Brass tacs. I've got this new bud.
                    Unfortunately, it's a few more bones, but
                    fortunately, it's hands down the dopest
                    fuckin' shit I ever smoked. And I've
                    smoked some dope fuckin' shit.
          
                                 DALE
                    Better than that Blue Oyster weed?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude. Seriously. It's like if that Blue
                    Oyster shit and the Afghan Kush I got had
                    a baby, and meanwhile, the craziest
                    Northern Lights and that red-ass Espresso
                    Snowflake had a baby, and then by some
                    miracle those babies met, and fucked -
                    then this would be the shit they'd birth.
          
          Saul pulls out a big bag of weed. He places it on the
          coffee table as though it was his child. He pulls out a
          large bud.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Smell it.
          
          Dale takes the weed and looks at it. It looks
          spectacular. Bright red hairs and large crystals, huge
          purple and blue leaves - just spectacular! Dale smells it
          and is taken aback.
          
                                 DALE
                    What is this? It's spectacular.
          
                                 SAUL
                    It's called Pineapple Express. My guy Red
                    told me it's when this Hawaiian flood
                    takes special dirt to the weed or some
                    shit. It's pretty scientific. And I'm the
                    only guy in the whole city who has it.
                    And, its only ten bones more for a
                    quarter.
          
                                 DALE
                    So...can I get a quarter?
          
                                 SAUL
                    No doubt. Just let me grab my scale.
          
          Saul walks into another room. Dale looks around
          anxiously; he clearly wants to go.                              
          
                                                                    15
          
          
          
          A moment later, Saul comes back into the room and sits
          down. Dale notices that he didn't bring anything back
          from the other room. Saul notices Dale looking at him
          strangely.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    What's with the look? What?
          
                                 DALE
                    Where's the scale?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Oh shit! The scale. Be right back.
          
          Saul hustles into the other room.
          
                                  SAUL (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                           (from other room)
                    You know what's weird? How sometimes,
                    your brain just chooses to like, not keep
                    things in it, you know?
                           (beat)
                    Fucking scale.
                           (beat)
                    Shit. Where is it?
          
          Dale checks his watch and then looks at the door;
          suddenly, something catches his eye - it's the cross-
          joint Saul was constructing.
          
                                 DALE
                    Holy shit! What the fuck is this thing?
          
          Saul comes back in and puts a small electronic scale on
          the coffee table.
          
                                 SAUL
                            (nonchalantly)
                    Ah, the cross-joint. You've never seen
                    one of these? Not surprising. They are,
                    like, the apex of the vortex of joint
                    engineering. NASA built the first one in              
                    the eighties.                                         
          
          Saul chuckles at his joke as he places some weed on the         
          scale.
          
                                 DALE
                    You can actually smoke that contraption?
          
          Saul puts Dale's weed in a baggie.
          
                                                                    16
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    You light all three ends at the same
                    time, then, you smoke it as it resonates
                    the main section, creating a "trifecta"
                    of smoking power. It's like, three times
                    as powerful as a normal joint.
          
          Dale hands Saul some money and Saul gives him his weed.
          Dale lingers for a moment.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, be careful with that thing.
          
          Dale gets up and heads to the door.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude...you wanna smoke this thing with
                    me?
          
          Dale turns around. He clearly wants to smoke it, but he
          tries to play it cool.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    I can't even light it on my own.
          
          Dale sits back down on the couch, giddy as a schoolgirl.
          
                                 DALE
                           (excited)
                    Wow. So like, uh...so like, so like what
                    do I do?
          
          Saul gathers three lighters from the coffee table.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Alright. Firstly you light these two
                    ends. Then I will light the tip, making
                    the trifecta complete. Are you ready?
          
          Dale nods and they light the joint. Saul tokes hard;
          plumes of smoke fill the air as he bursts into a COUGHING
          FIT.
          
                                 DALE
                    Holy...
          
          Dale takes the joint and hits it, exploding into a
          coughing fit.
          
                                 SAUL
                    It's...uh, it's good to cough.  COUGH  It
                    opens the  COUGH  capillaries...gets you
                    twenty-five percent higher.
                                 (MORE)
          
                                                                   17
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    And that, combined with the pineapple
                    weed, and the cross-joint  COUGH  you're
                    a good thirty to forty times higher. I
                    don't know the exact math, but, pff,
                    you're pretty fucking gong-showed. You
                    know what I mean?
          
          Saul takes a toke. Dale coughs HARDER and HARDER. He
          seems like he might throw up.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    It's crazy. The better the weed, the more
                    I wish I could think of how to explain
                    what's so good about it, but the...uh,
                    the better it is, the less shit I can
                    think of in total, you know?                         
          
          Saul passes Dale the joint, obliviously dropping ash all
          over his suit. Slightly agitated, Dale brushes it off.
          
                                  SAUL (CONT'D)                          
                    Okay, so, like, you've been buying from
                    me for, like, a few months now and I
                    really gotta ask.
                           (beat)
                    What's with the suit?
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm a process server.
          
                                 SAUL
                    You`re a servant? Like, a butler.
          
                                 DALE
                    No, process server.
          
          Saul looks confused.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    I'm hired to give people papers they                 
                    don't want. It's pretty much the easiest
                    job on earth.                                        
          
                                 SAUL
                    Nice, man. Where'd you get that job?
          
          Dale takes a big hit from the joint.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well...uh, I got a totally useless degree
                    two years ago, then I did nothing for a
                    year, then my dad got so fed up he hooked
                    me up.                                               
          
                                                                 18
          
          
          
          They both revel in the thought.                              
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                         
                    I got it pretty sweet, though. Today? I            
                    smoked like five joints, gave out some             
                    pieces of paper, and I ate some Burger             
                    King-
          
                                 SAUL
                    Hey man, did you get those new chicken
                    fries?
          
          Dale passes the join to Saul.
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah man. I'd get on that shit. They're
                    fucking mind blowing. So, then I hot-              
                    boxed my car and then...got some action            
                    from my girlfriend.                                
          
          Saul laughs at this.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Does she smoke pot?
          
                                 DALE
                    A little. She's in high school.                    
          
                                 SAUL
                    That's fuckin' sweet! Ilegal love! You're          
                    like Jerry Lee Lewis. I just read his              
                    biography.                                         
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    No, no. She's 19.                                  
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                           (dissappointed)                             
                    Oh. It's still cool I guess.                       
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Yeah, it's awesome, although I think               
                    she's getting old enough where she's               
                    realizing I don't do much. And these high          
                    school guys these days. They're all                
                    roided out and going to Harvard. Even on           
                    my best days, I look like a fat, dumb              
                    piece of shit next to them.                        
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Whatever, man. It sounds like you got it           
                    pretty good. I wish I had a job that               
                    easy. Fuck.                                        
          
                                                                  19
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Dude...you've got, like, the actual                 
                    easiest job in the world.                           
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    Hey! You're right, man. I never thought             
                    of it like that.                                    
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    You can actually do whatever the hell you           
                    want. You get to sleep all day and people           
                    come buy weed at night.                             
          
          Dale passes Saul the joint.                                   
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    That's totally true. Except tomorrow.               
                    Thanks to that bitch daylight savings, I            
                    gotta go change my grandma's clocks
                    forward at 7am. Or 8am. I seriously can't
                    figure it out.
          
                                 DALE
                    Sorry to hear that.
          
          Saul passes Dale the joint.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yo, so, like, what have these people done
                    that you go after?
          
                                 DALE
                    Let's see...tonight I'm going after-
          
          Dale pulls a blue envelope out of his pocket.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Ted Jones. He forgot to pay his-
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude! My guy, Red, gets his weed from a
                    Ted Jones. He's, like, #1 supplier in
                    town. Maybe it's him!
          
                                 DALE
                    I doubt that, man. There's probably a lot
                    of Ted Joneses's out there.                         
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yeah, but not like this one, man! He's
                    what I want to be one day. He's like the
                    "Jesus of Weed". So...I guess he's like
                    Jah. Or Scarface.
          
                                                                    20
          
          
          
          Saul points to his Scarface poster. The joint ends. After
          a few moments it seems as though their ability to have a
          conversation burnt out with the joint. They sit in
          awkward silence. Dale gets up.                                  
          
                                 DALE
                    Well Saul, that was crazy. Thanks.
          
                                 SAUL
                    No worries dude, peace.
          
          They slap each other five and Dale exits. Saul turns on
          the TV. Saved By the Bell is on. It makes Saul chuckle.
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - NIGHT
          
          Dale cruises down side streets and locates Ted's house.
          It is a large well-to-do home. Having difficulties, Dale        
          parks in between two cars across the street. He turns off
          the engine and starts smoking a joint. SUDDENLY - FLASH!        
          Two head lights appear up the street. Holy shit! It's a         
          COP CAR!
          
          He sits still, holding the joint between his legs as the
          cop car drives past and...parks a few cars down! The
          FEMALE COP walks up the block - TOWARDS DALE'S CAR!
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Oh shit on me.                                        
          
          Fortunately,   the COP crosses the street and walks towards     
          Ted's house.   Confused, Dale watches as she is let in.         
          Dale waits a   moment and then re-lights the joint. He          
          tries to see   into Ted's house as he takes a MASSIVE TOKE.
          
          BANG! A SILENCE SHATTERING BLAST comes from Ted's house.
          Dale holds the toke in and tries to keep quiet as he
          focuses on the large front window. SUDDENLY, the drapes
          are torn down by an ASIAN MAN as he falls forwards and          
          crashes through the front window!                               
          
          Dale watches in horror as a LARGE GREY-HAIRED MAN and the
          Female Cop step forward and shoot the Asian man! BLAM!          
          BLAM! Blood splatters!                                          
          
          Dale starts COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY! He starts the car
          and, in a panicked fit, tries to pull out. CRASH!!! He
          smashes directly into the car in front of him! He flicks
          the roach out onto the grass and slams the car in reverse
          - CRUNCH!!! He backs into the car behind him! Still
          hacking his lungs out, Dale drives away!                        
          
                                                                    21
          
          
          
          The Grey-Haired Man and the Female Cop sprint out of the
          house in time to see Dale's distant tail lights vanish
          into the darkness. Something catches the Grey-Haired
          Man's eye - a trail of smoke rising from the grass. He
          lowers his blood-stained hand and picks up...DALE'S
          ROACH! He brings it to his nose and sniffs, then rips           
          open the paper and examines the weed closely.
          
                                 TED
                    Pineapple Express.
          
          
          INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Saul is laying on his couch watching Saved By the Bell,
          laughing so hard that he's crying.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Ha! Ha! Ha! Screech.                                  
          
          Suddenly, the BUZZER sounds repeatedly.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                           (mumbles)
                    Fucking hell.
          
          He grudgingly walks to the intercom and presses talk.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Hello?
          
          He presses listen.
          
                                 DALE (O.C.)
                           (through intercom)
                    ...me in! Let me in! Let me in!    Let me
                    in! It's Dale! Let m--
          
          Saul casually presses the talk button.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (annoyingly casual)
                    Denton? Dale Denton?
          
          He smiles to himself, then presses listen.
          
                                 DALE (O.C.)
                           (through intercom)
                    ...the love of shit, let me in! Pleeea-
          
          Annoyed, Saul buzzes him in and unlocks the door.
          
                                                                   22
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                           (to himself)
                    ...fucking, don't smoke that shit if you
                    can't handle it.
          
          A moment later, Dale, completely freaking out, BURSTS
          through the door and SLAMS it shut.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                           (startled)
                    Dude, whoa. What the fuck are-
          
                                 DALE
                    He fucking killed him, man!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Be quiet, man, I got neighbors-
          
                                 DALE
                           (quietly)
                    He killed him!
          
                                  SAUL
                           (loud)
                    Somebody killed somebody?!?
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah, man! I can't believe it. A cop! A
                    lady, and a guy.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Somebody killed a cop, a lady and a guy?
          
                                 DALE
                    No! A guy!
          
                                 SAUL
                    A cop killed a guy?
          
                                 DALE
                    No! A cop and a guy killed   another guy!
                    The lady and the guy...No,   a fucking
                    woman, a police woman, and   an old guy,
                    shot a guy, a younger guy,   in the fucking
                    window at Ted's house!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Was the guy Ted?
          
                                 DALE
                    Which guy?
          
                                                                 23
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    I don't know, the old guy who shot the
                    guy?
          
                                 DALE
                    I don't fucking know. He was this big,
                    old, grey haired guy with a gun, and he
                    fucking took him, and he shot him! Right
                    there in the fucking window! BAM!
          
                                 SAUL
                    I heard Ted's got grey hair!
          
                                 DALE
                    And they saw me! They saw me see them
                    shoot the guy!
          
          Saul jumps to his feet.
          
                                 SAUL
                    What!?! They saw you?!? Why the fuck did
                    you come here? Did they follow you?!?
          
          Saul dashes to the window and peeks out.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Did they follow you here!?!
          
                                 DALE
                    No! I panicked. I was having a coughing
                    fit, I crashed, I crashed into a car.
                    Fuck, two cars. They must've heard at
                    least. They knew someone was there.
          
                                 SAUL
                    But they don't know it's you?
          
                                 DALE
                    No. I don't think so. No.
          
                                 SAUL
                    So...they're not coming here?
          
          Dale shakes his head, on the verge of tears. Saul shrugs,
          sits back down, then picks up his joint and re-lites it.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Cool. So, what's your game-plan? You
                    gonna call the cops? Cause if you do, I'd
                    appreciate it if you left my shit out of
                    this shit.
          
                                                                   24
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm not calling the cops - one of them
                    was a cop. They could all be cops!                   
          
                                 SAUL
                    Did you see any blood? Was it sick?
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah. I saw some blood.
          
                                 SAUL
                    I wonder who the guy he shot was?
          
                                 DALE
                    I don't know, who do drug dealers kill?
                    It was probably another drug dealer. He
                    was Asian. Are there Asian drug dealers.
          
                                  SAUL
                    Hell yeah, man. The Koreans teamed up
                    with, like, the Vietnamese or some shit.
                    They're crazy mother fuckers. Number two
                    in town.
                           (beat)
                    Heh. Ted's cappin' the competition. Yo,
                    you want some of this?
          
          Saul passes Dale the joint. Dale takes the joint and           
          frantically smokes as he paces.                                
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                           
                    So, like, exactly what was the sequence
                    of happenings?
          
                                 DALE                                    
                    I'm sitting across from Ted's smoking a
                    massive joint of that weed you sold me-
          
                                 SAUL
                    Oh, the Pineapple Express. It's so rare
                    it's almost a shame to smoke it, like
                    killing a unicorn...with, like, a bomb.              
          
                                 DALE
                    When I threw it...out...the window...                
          
          Dale stops pacing and stares at Saul. He then looks down       
          at the joint of pineapple weed. Saul notices wheels
          turning in Dale's head.
          
                                 SAUL
                    What?
          
                                                                  25
          
          
          
          Dale continues staring at the joint.
          
                                 DALE
                    This weed is actually that rare?
          
                                 SAUL
                           (proudly)
                    Yeah, it's like, "the rarest".
          
                                 DALE
                    So, you are actually the only guy in town
                    with this weed?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fuckin' rights, I am. Red told me he was
                    giving me an "exclusive sneak preview".
          
                                 DALE
                    And am I the only guy you gave it to?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yeah. So, we're the only guys.
          
                                 DALE
                    But, like, another dealer, couldn't
                    identify it, the pineapple weed? Like, if
                    they found a roach of it, right?
          
          Saul thinks for a moment.
          
                                 SAUL
                    I could. Why?
          
                                 DALE
                           (panicking)
                    We should go, we shouldn't be here! We
                    should go!
          
                                 SAUL
                    No...seriously, why?
          
                                 DALE
                    I left a roach of this weed in front of
                    Ted's house!
          
                                 SAUL
                    So what? I leave roaches all over fucking
                    town.
          
                                                                    26
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    No, listen - they could find the roach
                    and say, "This is pineapple weed, Saul's
                    the only guy in town who has pineapple
                    weed, therefore he must have witnessed
                    the murder or know who did - let's go
                    kill him."
          
          Finally, Saul understands.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Mother of fuck!
          
          He SPRINGS to his feet and BOLTS for the door.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Let's go!
          
          Dale grabs Saul and stops him.
          
                                 DALE
                    Wait!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Why!?! Let go of me! Let's get the fuck
                    out of here!
          
                                 DALE
                    Saul, wait! Grab anything we might need,
                    like your weed and money and stuff.                   
          
          Saul grabs his bag of weed and shoves it in his backpack.
          They run for the door.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Are you sure you're not forgetting
                    anything?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yes! Come on!
          
          
          INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Saul and Dale run to the elevator and frantically press
          the button, terrified for their lives.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fuck! I forgot something!
          
          Saul runs back to his apartment, leaving Dale alone and
          frightened. Saul BURSTS back out of his apartment holding
          his cell.
          
                                                                    27
          
          
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Dude, I was so scared going back, I
                    thought there was gonna be guys there,
                    and then you'd be gone, and there was
                    this music in my head-
          
                                 DALE
                    We'll take the stairs, it'll be faster.
          
          They scramble towards the distant stairwell. Almost at
          the door, they hear the DING of the elevator arriving.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Go back! Go back!
          
          They DASH back to the elevator. Dale shoves his arm
          between the doors and they hop in. Saul rapidly presses
          the LOBBY button as the doors shut. They're both on the
          verge of hyperventilating.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Okay, man. We gotta try to relax.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Why?!?
          
                                 DALE
                    We don't want to draw attention.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (freaking out)
                    Whose attention!?! You think they could
                    be down there? In the Lobby? Right now!?!
          
                                 DALE
                    I don't know! Who knows? Just try to be
                    cool.
          
           DING  The elevator SUDDENLY STOPS on the second floor.
          
                 DALE (CONT'D)                     SAUL
          Oh my god!!!                  Ahhh!!!
          
          The doors OPEN! There's no one there. The doors close.
          
                                 SAUL
                    What the fuck was that?
          
                                 DALE
                    That was bad - Calm! Calm! Calm!
          
          The elevator stops at the lobby and the doors open, they
          step out, bumping into two rough looking guys.                  
          
                                                                   28
          
          
          
                                  DALE (CONT'D)
                    Oh. Pardon.
          
          Dale and Saul quickly leave as the bikers enter the
          elevator.
          
          
          INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
          
          The rough looking guys, BUDLOFSKY and MATHESON, kick in        
          Saul's door and dash into the room, guns drawn. Matheson       
          spots a smoldering joint in the ashtray.
          
                                  MATHESON                               
                    Look.
          
          Budlofsky whips out his cell and hits speed dial.              
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                               
                    Ted? He's gone, but he was just here. I              
                    think he knew we were coming.                        
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS                                   
          
          Dale peels out of his spot and down the road.
          
                                 DALE
                    Okay, what do you know about Ted?
          
                                 SAUL
                    What? Ted? Nothing. For all I know he's
                    tracking us with space satellites right
                    now! He's got grey hair, that's all I
                    knew.
          
          Saul checks behind them.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Let's go to your place.
          
                                 DALE
                    No way! What if they did see my license
                    plate!?!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Okay, so let's got to a hotel, or a
                    motel, or a Holiday Inn.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, how much money do we have?
          
                                                                   29
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    All I've got is the seventy-five you gave
                    me.
          
                                   DALE
                    That's it!?!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Well, how much money do you have?
          
          While Dale gets out his wallet, Saul opens Dale's change
          tray. It's full of roaches.
          
                                 DALE
                    Uh...nine bucks.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Well, shut up then! I've got more than
                    you!
          
                                 DALE
                    Fine. Forget the hotel.
          
          A tense beat.
          
                                 SAUL
                    I wish we could just go nowhere.
          
                                 DALE
                    Okay...where's nowhere?
          
          
          EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
          
          The car is parked on a small dirt path in the moon-lit
          woods. Dale paces back and forth as Saul walks over.
          
                                 DALE
                    So what do we know? Nothing. We may or
                    may not be followed because we don't even            
                    know if he found the roach or not. And,
                    we could just be completely crazy. But,
                    the question is this: even if he found
                    the roach, how could he know where you
                    were?
          
                                 SAUL
                           (thrilled)
                    He couldn't. Cause I'm in the woods. It's
                    impossible! Unless he's, like, hanging on
                    the bottom of the car or some shit, but I            
                    mean-
          
                                                                  30
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    No, what I mean is, if Ted found the
                    roach and identified the weed, how could
                    he connect it to you?
          
                                 SAUL
                    There's no way. He could only find out
                    from Red.
          
                                 DALE
                    Who is this Red guy?                                
          
                                 SAUL
                    Red's pretty much a middleman between Ted
                    and guys like me. And we're mad fucking
                    tight. One time he convinced some girl he
                    knew to give me a hand-job within, like,
                    five minutes of me meeting her.
          
                                 DALE
                    But let's say someone calls asking who he
                    sold this pineapple weed to, he'll say
                    you, because...why wouldn't he?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fuck that. That's bullshit. He would have
                    called me if that happened. A hand-job,
                    Dale! Imagine if I'd gotten you a hand              
                    job by now!                                         
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Yeah, but Saul, he's a fucking drug                 
                    dealer.                                             
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    So? I'm a fuckin' drug dealer. What, you            
                    don't trust me then?                                
          
          Saul stares at Dale, who doesn't know how to respond.         
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Um...I...call him. Yeah, sure, call him.            
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    Thank you!                                          
          
          Pleased, Saul pats Dale on the back.                          
          
                                 DALE
                    You're right. You are. I'm just being               
                    paranoid. Sorry, dude.                              
          
                                                                   31
          
          
          
          Saul takes his cell phone out and presses speed dial. We
          hear someone pick up.
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                           (through phone)
                    Ow! Hello?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yo, Red. You okay man?
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                    Saul! Oh. I, uh...stubbed my toe.
          
          Red sounds nervous.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude, watch the toes. Wear shoes in the
                    house. But Red, I gotta get straight to
                    brass tacs, I need a favor.
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                    Sure man, anything. I'm Red.
          
                                 SAUL
                    You sure as fuck are, buddy. So, you know
                    how you gave me some of that pineapple
                    express stuff? Don't tell anyone you gave
                    it to me.
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                    Sure man, no problem. Red swears it,
                    hombre.
          
                                 SAUL
                    So, can I come on over now?
          
          Dale waves his hands in front of Saul's face.
          
                                 DALE
                           (louldy whispering)
                    No! We should do it tomorrow!
          
                                  SAUL
                           (covering phone, talks to
                            Dale)
                    I'm in the middle of a convo, man. Let's
                    just go and get this shit over with.
          
                                 DALE
                    Come on, man. Tomorrow. I'm scared
                    shitless. I want to think things through
                    before I do anything. Let's go in the
                    morning. Please.
          
                                                                    32
          
          
          
          Saul looks around the dark forest.
          
                                    SAUL
                       Yeah...okay. Less scary shit happens in
                       the day.
          
          Dale nods.
          
                                    SAUL (CONT'D)
                              (into phone)
                       Red?
          
                                    RED (O.S.)
                              (talking to someone else)
                       -I can hear him talking to someone, so-
                       Yo! Saul? So, you're gonna come by in the
                       morning?
          
                                    SAUL
                       Yeah, right after I see my grandma.
          
                                    RED (O.S.)
                       Sure, your Grandma's retirement home- Ow!
                       Fuckin' stupid god-damn toe. I, uh, is
                       that the one on Granville and 41st.
          
                                    SAUL
                       Yeah man. I've only got one. So, we'll be
                       chillin' by noon.
          
          Saul gives Dale the thumbs up.
          
                                    RED (O.S.)
                       Well, cool brother. Noon it is.
          
                                    SAUL
                       We should definitely hit up the casino
                       again sometime.
          
                                    RED (O.S.)
                       For sure. We should definitely hit up the
                       casino.
          
          Saul hangs up the cell.
          
                                    SAUL
                       Nice. Now let's do some fucking stone
                       cold chilling. I'll role a jigga, on the           
                       house.                                             
          
                                                                    33
          
          
          
          
          INT. RED'S APARTMENT - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          RED, 30, stalky and short, sits between the BUDLOFSKY and       
          MATHESON                                                        
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Why isn't he coming now? What did you
                    say?
          
                                 RED
                           (incredibly afraid)
                    I didn't say shit, man! There was another
                    guy there and he said tomorrow!
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Why did he mention the casino? The Asians
                    run the casinos. Is Saul Asian?
          
                                    RED
                    No, man!
          
          This worries the thugs.                                         
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    This might be more than we thought.
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Than you thought. I thought it would be               
                    more than you did. I'll call Ted.                     
          
          
          EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS                                        
          
                                 SAUL
                    I always liked smoking weed in the                    
                    forest.                                               
          
          Saul lights a joint and starts smoking. He passes it to         
          Dale. Dale puffs. They look around at their expansive,          
          dark surroundings and immediately become overwhelmed with       
          paranoia. Saul notices a shooting star zip across the sky       
          as Dale takes out his cell phone.                               
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm going to go call Angie. Make up some
                    bull shit.
          
          As Dale dials, Saul, paranoid from the pot, looks at his
          cell phone. He takes another hit, and then looks up to
          the sky again. He looks back at Dale's phone. Dale starts
          to walk off.
          
                                                                    34
          
          
          
                                   SAUL
                    Dale...wait!
          
          Saul snubs out the joint and runs over to Dale.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, the phone...I mean, I don't know
                    how this shit works, but...can cops...
                    you said they might be cops...could they
                    triangulate our phones or trace `em or
                    some shit like that? I don't know. I feel
                    like I've seen that.
          
          Dale stares at Saul, then flips open his phone -  beep 
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    I mean, shit Dale, maybe they can trace
                    them when we're not even on them!
          
          Dale takes a hit as he looks up to the sky. Just then, a
          loud rumbling noise is heard.
          
                                 DALE
                    What the fuck is that?!
          
          The rumbling gets louder.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Are we on fucking "Lost"?! What the hell
                    is that?!
          
                                   SAUL
                    It's them!!!
          
          The noise builds to a deafening crescendo as the guys
          dive behind a tree stump. A moment later, a JUMBO JET
          buzzes overhead, heading towards the nearby airport. Dale
          and Saul pop up.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Holy fuck. That was close.
          
                                 DALE
                           (clutching cell phone)
                    You know what? You're right. We should
                    just get rid of them. We should just
                    smash `em.
          
          Dale looks at his phone, which is a new, expensive Razor.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Fuck. I just bought this thing. Maybe I
                    can just take the batteries out?
          
                                                                    35
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    No! Smash it!
          
          Dale sighs, then SMASHES his phone on a rock. Saul looks
          at Dale, then HURLS his phone into the woods as hard as
          he can, sending it SAILING into the FOREST.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Shit!
          
                                 DALE
                    What the fuck was that?!
          
          Dale tosses the joint aside.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fuck! I was trying to throw it at that
                    tree!
          
                                 DALE
                    What tree?
          
                                 SAUL
                    That one.
          
          Saul points out a group of trees about 30 feet away.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    It was a cheap piece of shit. Came free
                    with the plan. It must've smashed when it
                    landed.
          
                                 DALE
                    Who the fuck knows?!? I don't know!! Why
                    couldn't you have just smashed it on a
                    rock like a normal person?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I was trying to smash it! How often does
                    a guy smash things? I'm rusty. Fuck.
          
                                 DALE
                    Did you at least see where it landed?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Over there, somewhere. Wait! We could
                    call it!
          
                                 DALE
                    With what? I just smashed my phone!
          
          They look into the scary dark depths of the woods. Both
          of them are clearly terrified.
          
                                                                 36
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Man, it's not like they got McGuyver
                    workin' on the case. I bet they can't
                    even triangulate it.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, then you shouldn't have said
                    anything, cause now you've convinced me
                    that they can!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fine! Fine. Let's just find the stupid
                    thing and get back to doing what we were
                    doin'.
          
          Horrified, they cautiously inch into the forest.
          
                                 DALE
                    Do you see it?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude, this is the scariest place I've
                    ever been in my life.
          
          They nervously walk on.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    You ever see that movie where all the
                    people are in the woods and they slowly
                    get killed?
          
                                 DALE
                    The "Blair Witch Project."
          
                                 SAUL
                    No...Shit. That one's way scarier than
                    the one I was thinking of. Mine had
                    Arnold Shwartzenegger in it. Now I'm
                    thinking of the fucking Blair Witch.
          
          They inch forward, nervous.
          
                                  DALE
                            (whispering)
                    Stop!
          
          They both freeze.
          
                                  SAUL
                            (whispering)
                    What-
          
                                                                    37
          
          
          
                                  DALE
                            (whispering)
                    Sshh!
          
                                 SAUL
                           (whispering)
                    What is-
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)
                    Sshh! Can you hear that?
          
                                  SAUL
                            (whispering)
                    What?
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)
                    Just listen.
          
          Saul listens.
          
                                  SAUL
                           (whispering)
                    I literally hear nothing.
                           (gasp)
                    Wait...
          
          SUDDENLY, Saul SPRINTS off into the darkness!
          
                                    DALE
                    SAUL!!!
          
          Dale looks in horror as Saul vanishes amongst the trees.
          
                                 SAUL(O.S.)
                           (screaming in pain)
                    ARGHHH!!!
          
          Dale hears a loud THUD.
          
          Scared for his life, he SPRINTS in the opposite
          direction! He weaves in between the trees, avoids some
          rocks and tree roots, stumbles on some loose dirt, then
          SLAMS half his body against a tree and FALLS HARD.
          
          ANGLE ON: SAUL
          
          Saul gets up, covered in dirt. Panting, he looks around
          the forest and sees no one. He thinks he hears something
          and SPRINTS off! WHAM! He trips on a tree root and SLAMS
          into the ground.
          
                                                                    38
          
          
          
          ANGLE ON: DALE
          
          Dale stumbles to his feet while futilely trying to wipe
          the dirt off his suit.
          
                                 DALE
                    Shit.
          
          Saul hears Dale and whips around, breaking a twig -
           CRACK 
          
          Dale looks towards the noise, then SPRINTS off.
          
          Saul hears someone and BOLTS in the opposite direction.
          
          Like chickens with their heads cut off, they both
          scramble through the woods trying to evade their
          imaginary enemies.
          
          Dale spots his car! He jumps in and SLAMS the door shut.
          He's about to turn the ignition, but stops. Panting and
          wheezing, he sinks into his seat.
          
          BAM! Something slams into the car.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
          
          Dale sees Saul BANGING against the passenger side door.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (muffled through the window)
                    Let me in! Let me in!
          
          Dale unlocks the car and Saul JUMPS in.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Let's go! Go!
          
                                 DALE
                    Is there anyone even out there?!?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I don't know!
          
                                 DALE
                    If you don't know then why the hell did
                    you run like that?!?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I don't know! I'm freaking out, man!
                    Let's just go!
          
                                                                    39
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    No! We're not going anywhere!                         
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    But there could be something out there!               
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    There's nothing out there, that's why                 
                    we're here. God, man, you scared the                  
                    fucking shit out of me.                               
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Well, I'm not getting out of the car. I'm             
                    staying in the car.                                   
          
          A moment of silence. They both look around. There is
          clearly nothing out there. Dale turns on the car. Talk
          radio comes on.
          
                                 RADIO DJ
                    -white accent walls would go nice with a              
                    dark colored room, say a burnt sienna,                
                    but don't forget...                                   
          
                                 SAUL
                    Talk radio? You fuckin' joshin' me? Why               
                    don't we just shoot ourselves in the                  
                    nuts?                                                 
          
                                 DALE
                    Shut up, okay? It's my car.                           
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fine. Well, I'm going to smoke a joint                
                    before I go to sleep, and don't worry                 
                    about it, even though you're being a                  
                    dick, it's on the house.                              
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Don't do me any fucking favors. I got my              
                    own.                                                  
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Thanks to me!                                         
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Shut up.                                              
          
          Dale and Saul start rolling separate joints.                    
          
                                                                   40
          
          
          
          
          INT. DALE'S CAR - THE NEXT DAY
          
          Dale slowly wakes up. He stretches, and then shakes Saul.
          
                                 DALE
                    Saul. Saul. Get up. Wake up.
          
          Saul opens his eyes and realizes where he is.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fuck me.
          
                                 DALE
                    What's the time?
          
                                 SAUL
                           (groggy)
                    It's too early.
          
          Saul brings his wrist up close to his eyes.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    It's...
          
          Saul stares at his watch, confused.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    This can't be right.
          
                                 DALE
                    What does it say?
          
                                 SAUL
                    It says, uh...
          
          Saul looks outside towards the sun.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    It couldn't be three in the morning,
                    could it?
          
                                 DALE
                    It's three o'clock!?! We were supposed to
                    be there at noon!
          
                                  SAUL
                           (excited)
                    Wait! My grandma's clocks! It's daylight
                    savings!
                           (beat)
                    Fuck! No! They go forwards an hour!
                    Dammit-
          
                                                                  41
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    It's four o'fucking clock?!
          
                                 SAUL
                    -I didn't go to my Grandma's! Fuck! And
                    we've gotta call Red.
          
                                  DALE
                            (angry)
                    How?
          
          Dale digs in his pockets for the keys.
          
                                 SAUL
                    We'll find a pay pho...fuck! His number
                    was in my phone!
          
          Dale notices the keys are in the ignition.
          
                                 DALE
                    You remember where he lives, right?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yes, I remember. What the hell is that
                    supposed to mean? Are you insinuating I'm
                    forgetful? That's right, I know the word
                    insinuating.
          
                                 DALE
                    Let's just get out of here.
          
          He turns the keys. NOTHING. He tries again. NOTHING.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    What the fuck? Come on.
          
          He tries twice more, but nothing happens.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                           (pissed off)
                    I think the battery's dead.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Are you fucking serious?
          
          He tries again.
          
                                  DALE
                    It's dead.
          
                                  SAUL
                    It's dead?                                          
          
                                                                  42
          
          
          
          Dale shoots Saul an angry look.                               
          
                                  SAUL (CONT'D)                         
                     What the fuck happened? How did this
                     happen?
          
                                  DALE
                     How? We fell asleep!                               
          
                                  SAUL                                  
                     Yeah. With your stupid talk radio. No              
                     surprise, that stuffs, like, made to put           
                     people to sleep.                                   
          
          Frustrated, Dale tries to gather his thoughts.
          
                                  DALE
                     We gotta...let's just...we'll walk. We'll          
                     walk to a road and hitchhike to Red's.
          
                                 SAUL
                     For real?
          
          Dale opens his door and hops out.
          
                                  DALE
                     Yeah, "for real". We'll be late, but               
                     we'll get there. Then we can fix this
                     insane situation.
          
          MONTAGE:                                                      
          
          - Dale and Saul walk down a seemingly unused forest road,     
          each smoking their own joint.                                 
          
          - Saul points out a giant caterpillar crawling on a leaf.
          Dale is grossed out. Saul pokes the caterpillar and then
          blows weed smoke onto it.
          
                                  DALE (CONT'D)                         
                     Stop fucking around, man. Come on. Leave           
                     that thing alone.                                  
          
          - They emerge at the highway and try to hitch a ride.
          
          - Dale notices Saul has his thumb sticking out of his         
          zipper.
          
                                  SAUL
                     It's like, my thumb is my cock!
          
          Dale doesn't laugh.                                           
          
                                                                    43
          
          
          
          - Bored and tired, they wait.   Saul lights a joint. Dale       
          notices. Saul shifts his body   away from Dale. Just then,      
          an eighteen wheeler slows for   them. Saul snubs out the
          freshly lit joint and puts it   in his pocket.
          
          
          EXT. RED'S HOUSE - LATER                                        
          
          Dale and Saul get out of the eighteen wheeler.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (to the driver)
                    Thanks a fucking ton, Sharid.
          
          Saul shuts the door and he and Dale run towards Red's           
          house - a small, dilapidated place in a rundown part of         
          town. Exhausted, Dale and Saul reach Red's door. Saul           
          knocks.
          
                                 DALE
                    So, what's this guy like?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I don't know. He's short...and stout. So
                    he's like a tea pot. Hehe.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, do you think he'll be there?
          
                                  SAUL
                    I don't know, I mean, we are only...eight
                    hours late.
                           (beat)                                         
                    That's actually pretty late.                          
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                           (through door)
                    Who is it?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Red! It's Saul. Open up.
          
          Red opens the door. He has a SPLIT LIP and has clearly
          been CRYING. He tries to act normal. Dale immediately
          suspects something is up.
          
                                 RED
                           (sniffling)
                    Who's this guy?
          
                                 DALE
                    Dale. Nice to meet you.
          
                                                                    44
          
          
          
          Red ushers them in and shuts the door.
          
                                   RED
                    Dale who?
          
                                   DALE
                    I think it's    better if you don't know my           
                    last-                                                 
          
                                 SAUL
                           (oblivious)
                    Dale Denton. He's with me. No worries.                
          
          Red notices their dirty clothes.
          
                                 RED
                           (to Saul)
                    What happened to your clothes? Where'd
                    you call me from, man?
          
          Dale notices Red quivering as he lights a cigarette and
          becomes increasingly suspicious.
          
                                 SAUL
                    We were in the forest laying low.
                    Thinking.
          
                                 DALE
                    Uh, Red...what...uh, is your lip okay?
          
          Saul finally notices Red's dishevelled appearance.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Whoa! Dude, have you been crying?
          
                                 RED
                    What? Oh, I uh...
                           (feeling his split lip)
                    ...I got a cold sore, I've never got one
                    before. I started crying.
          
                                 SAUL
                    A cold sore? Is that fucking herpes?
          
                                 RED
                    ...uh, yeah, man.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Ewwww! That's sick, man. Do you know how
                    many joints we've shared? I told you,
                    man. This is from that time you ate the               
                    lollypop straight from the strippers sna-
          
                                                         45
          
          
          
                       DALE
          Saul. Ask him.
          
                       SAUL
                     (to Dale)
          Okay, Captain Demando. Can you just chill
          out, maybe? So, Red. I gotta ask-
          
                       RED
          Okay, first of all, stop. What's this all
          about? That's what I want to know.
          
                       SAUL
          Alright. Well, Dale's a servant for
          protest lawyers, and-                                
          
                       DALE
          Whoa, whoa! Saul, I don't think...well,
          Red, I don't mean to be rude but I don't
          think we should tell you any more than
          you need to know.
          
                       RED
          Fuck that, Dale. This is my house, I
          deserve to know.
          
                       SAUL
          Dude! Let's just tell him. It is his
          house.
          
                       DALE
          Look. Red, I just don't want to pull you
          into the shit we're in. It's just
          trouble.
          
                       SAUL
          Don't be weird about this. If he wants
          trouble, it's his right to have it.
          
                       RED
          Whoa! Whoa! I don't want trouble.
          
                       DALE
          That's why we only need to clarify one
          thing - nobody's called about Saul or the
          pineapple express or anything like that?
          
                       RED
          No one. Nada.
          
                                                                   46
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Awesome! Look at that! Everything's fine.
                    We had a crazy night in the woods, which             
                    I assume we can both put behind us like              
                    grown ups, and now we can use Red's giant            
                    bong to get super-duper high.                        
          
          Dale doesn't seem convinced. Saul picks up Red's huge          
          bong and starts to pack a bit of Red's weed into it.           
          
                                 RED                                     
                    Alright, well, wicked. Make yourselves at
                    home. I'm just going to use the ol'
                    telephone-o.                                         
          
          Saul sits down and picks up a lighter as Red walks             
          towards the phone. Dale watches Red, suspicious of his         
          odd behavior. Red begins to dial...
          
          SMACK! Dale knocks the phone out of Red's hand.
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)
                    What the fuck!
          
          Saul jumps up. Dale SNATCHES the phone and backs up.
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
          
                                  SAUL
                    Dale!   What the fuck are you doing?
          
                                 DALE
                           (to Saul)
                    We can't let him call anyone! He's acting
                    weird!
          
                                 RED
                    Fuck you man - this is my house!                     
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm sorry. I just, I don't think I can-
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dale! You fucking nut. You're stoned and
                    paranoid. Just chill the shit out, guy!
                           (to Red)                                      
                    I'm sorry, Red. I shouldn't have brought             
                    this guy over here, he's a total lunatic.            
          
          Without warning, Red grabs a LARGE ASHTRAY filled with
          cigarette butts and WHIPS it at Dale. BAM! It smashes him
          in the head!!!
          
                                                                    47
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                           (in pain)
                    AAAHHH!
          
          Ash EXPLODES everywhere as Dale drops the phone and
          clutches his head.
          
                                   SAUL
                    Holy cock!
          
          Red approaches the cowering Dale. Saul intercedes.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Dude! He's sorry! Wait!
          
          Red PUNCHES Saul in the face! Saul SCREAMS and drops to
          the ground.
          
                                   SAUL (CONT'D)
                    WHY!?!?!
          
          Dale snatches the phone and scurries into the bathroom,
          slamming the door behind him.
          
          
          INT. RED'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Disoriented, Dale scans the small bathroom. Saul and Red
          can be heard fighting outside.
          
                                 SAUL (O.S.)
                    Dude, we're friends, what the fuck is                 
                    wrong with you? Ow! Dude! Are you fucked              
                    off that shit again!?! Ow!                            
          
                                 RED (O.S.)
                    I have to! They'll kill me!!! Please                  
                    don't fight!                                          
          
          A loud CRASH is heard from the other room.
          
                                   SAUL                                   
                    AAAHHHHHH!!!                                          
          
          Dale throws the phone in the toilet bowl and smacks down
          the seat. He runs back to help Saul.
          
          
          INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
          
          Red is BEATING the shit out of Saul.
          
                                                                    48
          
          
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Why, man!?! Why!                                      
          
                                   RED                                    
                    I'M SORRY!!!                                          
          
          Saul manages to stand up when Red boots him in the BALLS!
          He SHRIEKS and stumbles backwards. Dale dashes into the
          room and LEAPS onto Red's back. Red wobbles forward, then       
          starts RUNNING BACKWARDS. He trips on his coffee table
          and CRASHES Dale through it, landing on top of him. Red         
          gets up, sprints into the bathroom and locks the door.
          With great effort, Dale and Saul manage to get up.
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    He's going for the phone! Bathroom!                   
          
          
          INT. RED'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Frantically searching for the phone, Red flips the toilet
          seat up and grabs it. He begins to dial as Dale and Saul
          sprint down the hall.
          
          Just as Red is about to finish dialing, Dale and Saul
          CRASH into the bathroom door! They knock it completely
          off it's hinges, SLAMMING it directly into Red! The phone
          flies into the bathtub.
          
                                 DALE
                           (pointing at the phone)
                    SAUL!!! Phone!!!
          
          Saul jumps into the bathtub and begins STOMPING the
          phone. Dale continuously SLAMS his body against the door
          in an attempt to keep Red pinned down.
          
                                 SAUL
                    What the fuck Red!?! What the fuck is
                    going on!?!
          
                                 RED
                    I don't know!!! They're going to kill
                    me!!!
          
                                 SAUL
                    You didn't stub your toe, did you?
          
          Red stops struggling and tries to catch his breath. Dale
          kneels on top of the door, keeping him pinned.
          
                                   DALE
                    Now tell us-
          
                                                                   49
          
          
          
                                 RED
                    They're gonna come back and kill me!!!
          
          In an impressive show of strength, Red shoves the door
          off him, knocking Dale aside. He runs.
          
          
          INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul chases Red and TACKLES him into a wall. Dale follows
          seconds later, and notices Red's LARGE GLASS BONG. He
          looks back to see Saul getting pummelled.
          
                                  SAUL                                   
                    DALE! HELP!                                          
          
          Dale grabs the bong and swings around - CRASH!!! It
          shatters on the back of Red's head.
          
          Red falls to the ground moaning, blood dripping from his
          head. Dale and Saul stand over him, out of breath,
          bruised and battered.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                           
                    Red, you motherfucker.
          
          Dale, lost in thought, starts to seriously freak out.
          
                                 DALE
                    It's happening! It's actually happening!
                    He knows my name! Red knows my name!
          
                                 SAUL
                    We should beat it out of his sellout
                    brains. You're a shitty friend, Red! Fuck
                    the Casino! Go alone!
          
                                 DALE
                    This is fucked, what do we do now, he
                    knows my name!?!
          
                                 SAUL
                    He knows my name too!
          
                                 DALE
                    Well what do we do? He's gonna tell them!
          
                                 SAUL
                    We're not gonna have to kill him, are we?
                    I don't think I could do that.
          
          Dale stares at the almost motionless Red.
          
                                                                  50
          
          
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Maybe we could talk him into killing
                    himself, or, like, make him promise not
                    to tell.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, we have to find out what he knows.
          
                                 RED
                           (in great pain)
                    I don't know anything...you broke my
                    bong...
          
          Dale, trying to act tough, grabs Red by the collar.
          
                                 DALE
                    Tell us everything. Now!
          
          Red looks to Saul for sympathy.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Don't look at me, you sellout bastard.
                    Now start talking!
          
                                 RED
                    I can't...I don't know anything.
          
          Dale pulls Saul aside.
          
                                 SAUL
                    What do we do? He's not gonna talk.
          
                                 DALE
                    I think we beat it out of him.
          
                                   SAUL
                    For real?
          
                                 DALE
                    Okay. Red. Here's the deal: if you don't
                    tell us everything, we're going to beat
                    you up.
          
                                 RED
                    Don't beat me up! Saul, dude, I'm Red!
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    You were Red. Now you're no one to me.              
          
                                 DALE
                    You've got five seconds, okay? Ready?
                    Five, four-
          
                                                                 51
          
          
          
          Dale raises his fist.
          
                                 RED
                    Please don't.
          
                                 DALE
                    Three, two...one!
          
          Red cringes as Dale softly "punches" his gut. It doesn't
          hurt him.
          
                                 RED
                    That didn't hurt.
          
                                 SAUL
                    You didn't even hurt him! Hit him hard,
                    man. Like, fucking hit him!
          
          Dale takes a deep breathe and raises his fist.
          
                                 RED
                    Wait! I...I...                                     
          
          Dale grabs a potted plant.                                   
          
                                  RED (CONT'D)                         
                    No!                                                
          
          Dale swings the plant back to strike Red. The pot flies      
          off the plant and Dale smashes the dirt covered roots of     
          the plant against Red's face.                                
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)                          
                    Ow! Fuck, man! Stop it.                            
                    Listen...two...two guys came here,                 
                    they...they were here when you called-
          
                                  SAUL
                    Seriously?
          
                                 DALE
                    Who were they?
          
          Dale raises his fist.
          
                                 RED
                    They work for Ted. Budlofsky and                   
                    Matheson. Fuckin' crazy weird guys. They           
                    were here all day, but you guys didn't
                    show. They said they'd kill me if I
                    didn't bring you to them, they said I'd-
          
                                                                   52
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    How many cops does he have in his...uh,
                    payroll, or whatever?
          
                                 RED
                    I know there's this lady cop. He could
                    have more, I don't know. He's got pretty
                    crazy connections. He's also got a cool-             
                    ass hideout. It's crazy man.                         
          
          Dale and Saul exchange very worried looks.
          
                                  RED (CONT'D)
                    Listen, I-
          
          Dale swings the PLANT upwards, prepared to strike Red          
          again.                                                         
          
                                 DALE
                    Who's his competition?
          
                                  RED
                    The Asians!
          
                                 DALE
                    Asians? Which Asians? Indians are
                    technically Asian.
          
                                 RED
                    The...the Koreans, I think. Everyone just
                    calls them the Asians.
          
          Dale and Saul exchange an even more worried look.
          
                                  SAUL
                    What else?
          
                                 RED
                    I swear to god that's all I know...I                 
                    swear...
          
                                 DALE
                    Alright. We should...tie him up and...and
                    get the fuck out of here.
          
                                 SAUL
                    I made a gravity bong here once. I know
                    where his duct tape is.
          
          Saul runs off. Dale puts on Saul's backpack and looks at
          the battered Red moaning on the floor.
          
                                                                    53
          
          
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Come on, let's tape this piece of shit
                    up.
          
          Dale pulls Red's hands behind his back. Saul is picking
          at the tape.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    I can't find the edge.
          
                                 DALE
                    What?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I can't find the, oh...wait...
          
          Saul rips open the DUCT TAPE. He quickly BINDS Red's            
          hands and feet. SUDDENLY, there's a KNOCK at the door.          
          They stop, silent. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. Red starts              
          thrashing and trying to scream.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                           (whispering)                                   
                    Shit. They're actually here to kill him.
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)                                   
                    What do we do?                                        
          
                                 SAUL
                           (whispering)                                   
                    I don't know.                                         
          
          KNOCK! KNOCK!                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                           (whispering)                                   
                    Fuck. Oh, man.                                        
          
          Frozen in terror, they don't know what to do.                   
          
                                 RED                                      
                           (whispering)                                   
                    Guys, guys...listen to me-                            
          
          KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!                                            
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)                             
                           (whispering)                                   
                    I'm fuckin' sorry. Okay? I fucked up. I'm             
                    a son-of-a-bitch. I forgot bros before                
                    hoes, even though these guys aren't hoes.             
                    You know what I mean. But I can fix this.             
                                 (MORE)
          
                                                                 54
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)
                    I know these guys, it's cool. Just head            
                    out the back, I'll stall `em. Won't tell           
                    `em nothing. You can count on me!                  
          
                                    SAUL                               
                    Thanks, Red.                                       
          
          Red frantically tries to wriggle out of his bonds while      
          Saul leads Dale out the back door. SUDDENLY, the door is     
          KICKED open! Budlofsky and Matheson enter, guns drawn.       
          They see Red.                                                
          
                                 RED                                   
                    Dale Denton! It was Saul and some dude             
                    named Dale Denton! They just ran out the           
                    back!                                              
          
          
          EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS                                      
          
          Dale and Saul run like hell. Saul spots a dumpster.          
          
                                    SAUL
                    In here!
          
          Saul jumps into the dumpster.
          
                                 DALE
                    No. I've got to get to a phone!
          
                                 SAUL
                    We should hide!
          
                                 DALE
                    But, if Red tells Ted's guys my name,
                    then they'll go to my apartment and find
                    out about Angie!
          
                                 SAUL
                    I think we should stay!
          
                                    DALE
                    Why?!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Because I'm in the dumpster already!
                    Shit! Fine!
          
          Saul hops out of the dumpster and follows Dale.
          
          
          INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
          
          Budlofsky dashes back into the apartment.                    
          
                                                                   55
          
          
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                               
                    They're long gone.                                   
          
          Matheson stands over top of Red, talking to Ted on the         
          phone.
          
                                 TED (O.S.)
                    Find out what he knows.                              
          
                                 MATHESON                                
                    Red, you gonna tell us anything helpful?             
          
                                 RED
                    I just did, Matheson. Fuckin' Dale                   
                    Denton's the other guys name. He was with            
                    Saul, they kicked my ass. What more do               
                    you want?                                            
          
                                 MATHESON                                
                    You hear that?
          
                                 TED
                    Ask if either of them were Asian.
          
                                 MATHESON                                
                    Hey. What skin color were these guys?
          
                                 RED
                    What? Um...white, they're both white. I
                    think Denton might be a Jew, but I
                    couldn't really tell.
          
                                 MATHESON                                
                    You hear that, Ted?
          
                                 TED (O.S.)
                    Dale Denton. Not Asian. Alright. Kill
                    Red.
          
          Matheson pulls out a gun and shoots Red in the gut.            
          
                                 RED                                     
                           (clutching his bleeding gut)                  
                    Oh fuck...you shot me, you motherfucker!             
                    Fuckin' Matheson...fuck you! You've eaten            
                    dinner here, man! Tacos! And now I'm                 
                    gonna fuckin' die from this, probably.               
                    Get the fuck out of my house!                        
          
                                                                   56
          
          
          
          
          INT. TED'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          TED (the big grey-haired guy) puts his portable phone
          back in its charger.
          
                                    TED                                   
                    Fuck.                                                 
          
          The living room windows are covered by black sheets.
          Workers are busy scrubbing blood stains off the floor and       
          walls. The dead Asian man lies on top of bubble-wrap in
          the corner.
          
          Ted walks into the kitchen where CAROL BRAZIER (female
          cop from the murder, in full uniform, mid-30s) is playing
          with her gun.
          
                                 TED (CONT'D)                             
                    Carol, there's another name to run. Dale
                    Denton.
          
                                 CAROL
                    Does he have something to do with our
                    friend in there?
          
                                 TED
                    If the Asians have the balls to send an
                    assassin right into my home, we can't be
                    too cautious. The boys say Denton and
                    Saul are Caucasian. Maybe after their
                    assassin failed, they hired this outside              
                    guy Denton to finish the job.                         
                           (pondering)
                    Also, the boys said that Saul mentioned
                    "going to the casino."
          
                                 CAROL                                    
                    "Going to the casino"? I don't like that.
          
          Carol holsters her gun.
          
                                                               CUT TO:
          
          
          EXT. TED'S HOUSE - STREET - CONTINUOUS
          
          Inside an Escalade with tinted   windows sit two
          frightening looking Asian men.   They have earphones on and
          an eavesdropping tool aimed at   Ted's house. They hear
          every word. One of them writes   down info in Korean.
          
                                                                   57
          
          
          
                                 CAROL (O.S.)
                           (through one of the Asian
                            mens ear piece)
                    I'll be back in an hour with everything
                    there is on Dale Denton. He'll be dead by
                    the time we make our pick-up tomorrow.
          
          
          EXT. STREET - DAY
          
          Dale and Saul are still running and are unbelievably           
          exhausted.                                                     
          
                                 SAUL
                           (gasping and   wheezing)                      
                    But my parents live   in Canada. You don't
                    think they're going   to go to Canada, do
                    you? How would they   get a Canadian phone
                    book even?                                           
          
                                 DALE
                           (gasping and wheezing)                        
                    All I know is Angie's new number is on my
                    fridge and they could see that, so I have            
                    to get to her.
          
                                 SAUL                                    
                    My Grandma lives here. They wouldn't go
                    after her, would they? She's got a
                    different last name. Belogus.
          
          Dale hails a cab.
          
          
          INT. DALE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS                             
          
          Dale's apartment door BURSTS open. Budlofsky and Matheson      
          enter, guns drawn. They start searching the apartment.         
          Budlofsky presses a button on the ANSWERING MACHINE.           
          
                                 ANSWERING MACHINE                       
                           (Dale's voice)                                
                    " cough  It's Dale. I'm probably at work,            
                    maybe we'll talk later.  BEEP "                      
          
          Matheson walks to the fridge and yanks off a NOTE.             
          
                                 MATHESON                                
                    Budlofsky!                                           
          
          Budlofsky looks at the note:                                   
          
          " - Memorize Angie's New Cell: 366-3666 - Go get weed - "      
          
                                                                    58
          
          
          
          
          EXT. OUTSIDE ANGIE'S HOUSE - SOON AFTER                         
          
          Dale and Saul get out of the cab in a pleasant                  
          neighborhood. Saul begrudgingly pays the driver. They           
          walk towards Angie's house.                                     
          
                                 DALE
                    Dude, stay here. I'll be back in a
                    minute.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Hells no! I don't want to be alone! I
                    want to go with you!
          
                                 DALE
                    Saul, just watch my back. I'll literally              
                    be five minutes. Please.                              
          
                                 SAUL
                    Fine. But hurry.                                      
          
          Dale runs up to the front door and frantically knocks.          
          Angie answers the door.                                         
          
          
          INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                                 
          
          Dale dashes in.                                                 
          
                                 DALE
                    Angie!                                                
          
          Angie opens the door with a smile, the phone in hand. Her
          attention is towards the phone conversation she is
          having. Dale enters her apartment.
          
          
          INT. ANGIE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS                             
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    It's Dale! You came.                                  
          
          Dale freezes in horror: ANGIE'S PARENTS (SHANNON and            
          ROBERT) are pleasantly eating at the dining room table.         
          
                                 SHANNON                                  
                    Hi, Dale. Nice to meet you, sit down and              
                    have some couscous. Can I get you a                   
                    drink?                                                
          
          Robert sees that Dale is DIRTY, DISHEVELLED, BRUISED and        
          BATTERED.                                                       
          
                                                                  59
          
          
          
                                 ROBERT                                 
                    What the hell happened to you?                      
          
                                  ANGIE                                 
                    Dale?   What happened to you?                       
          
          Robert and Shannon exchange worried looks.                    
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Nothing, I was in the woods and...                  
                           (turns to Angie's parents)                   
                    ...Hi, I'm Dale. Uh...it's nice to                  
                    finally meet you both...I apologize for             
                    my appearance. Robert, Charlotte-                   
          
                                 SHANNON                                
                           (not amused)                                 
                    Shannon.                                            
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Yes! Shannon. I've heard a lot about both           
                    of you.                                             
          
          Dale walks to Robert and extends his DIRTY, BLOODY HAND.      
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                          
                    Very nice things.                                   
          
          Robert smugly declines Dale's hand shake.                     
          
                                 ANGIE                                  
                    You were in the woods?                              
          
                                 DALE                                   
                           (at a loss for words)                        
                    Alright, now, here's what's happened -              
                    I've been thrust into a kind of,                    
                    ah...situation. So, uh, if we could all             
                    just start to evacuate...                           
          
          Dale starts gathering all their jackets and shoes.            
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                          
                    ...that'd be really, really good right              
                    now. I'll answer all your-                          
          
                                 ANGIE                                  
                    Is this a joke?                                     
          
                                 ROBERT                                 
                    What is this Angie?                                 
          
                                                                    60
          
          
          
                                 SHANNON                                  
                    I think it is a joke.                                 
          
                                 DALE                                     
                           (deep breath)                                  
                    Listen. There are people after us and                 
                    they could come here. I'll tell you                   
                    anything you want, just please, let's go!             
          
                                 ROBERT                                   
                    He's serious?                                         
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Yes, I'm serious. Super serious! We have              
                    to get the "F" out of here!                           
          
          The Anderson's stare at him dumbfounded. Robert gets up         
          and stands tall.                                                
          
                                 ROBERT                                   
                    Get the hell out of my house.                         
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Okay, Mr. Anderson, look, here's the deal             
                    - I saw a crooked cop kill a guy while I              
                    was working...this morning. The cop shot              
                    the guy then saw my car drive off, and I              
                    think they might have seen my license                 
                    plate and, so, I ditched my car...in the              
                    woods, so...                                          
          
          They stare at Dale as though he were crazy.                     
          
          
          EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                                 
          
          Saul sees a car nearing. He sees Budlofsky and Matheson         
          are in it.                                                      
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    No fucking way.                                       
          
          He runs like hell towards Angie's.                              
          
          
          INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                                 
          
          Angie and her parents try to make sense of what Dale is         
          saying.                                                         
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Who are these people? Why are they-
          
                                                                   61
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    I think their drug dealers.
          
                                 ANGIE
                           (on the verge of tears)
                    Why?
          
                                 DALE
                    Well, it's complicated. See,
                    the...uh...it doesn't matter right now,
                    we just have to get out of here.
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Let's go to the police!
          
                                 DALE
                    No, they are the police!                             
          
                                 ROBERT                                  
                    I'm getting my gun.                                  
          
                                  SHANNON                                
                    Robert! No!                                          
          
                                 ROBERT                                  
                    We bought it for a reason!                           
          
          Robert runs up the stairs to his bedroom.                      
          
          Suddenly, Saul bursts through the front door in a              
          panicked frenzy.                                               
          
                                 SAUL
                           (completely out of breath)
                    You... huff ...Angie? Dale! It's                     
                    happening!                                           
          
                                  ANGIE
                    EEEHHHH!!!
          
          Angie grabs a fork off the table and stabs it into Saul's      
          shoulder.                                                      
          
                                  SAUL
                    ARGGG!!!
          
                                 ANGIE
                           (freaking out)
                    Dale, it's one of the drug dealers!!!
          
                                 SAUL
                    No! I'm Dale's dealer, I'm S-
          
                                                                 62
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    Angie! Stop! It's Saul!                            
          
                                 SHANNON                               
                    What did you do, Angie?!                           
          
          Saul yanks the fork out and tosses it on the ground.         
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Ow!! Fuck. Now I'm gonna need a tetanus            
                    shot! They fuckin' kill. Fuck!                     
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Saul? Dale, who is-
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dale, they're coming!                              
          
          Then - Robert appears at the top of the stairs with his      
          gun. He sees Saul bleeding and SCREAMS. BLAM! He fires at    
          Saul!                                                        
          
          
          EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                              
          
          Budlofsky and Matheson are walking towards the front door    
          when they hear the gunshot and dive behind some bushes.      
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                             
                    Fuck! What the hell?                               
          
                                 MATHESON                              
                    Get out your fucking gun!                          
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                             
                    What the fuck is going on?                         
          
          BANG! Blasts through the front door and almost hits them!    
          
          
          INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                              
          
          Everyone is in shock. Saul frantically pats himself down     
          to see if he got hit.                                        
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Stop! Stop! He's with me!                          
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Holy              
                    fuck!                                              
          
                                                                  63
          
          
          
                                 ANGIE                                  
                    Dad, put the gun down!                              
          
                                 SHANNON                                
                    Robert, what's going on?                            
          
                                 ROBERT                                 
                    Just nobody move, okay? Except Shannon              
                    and Angie. So, you two don't move!                  
          
                                 SHANNON                                
                    Oh my god.                                          
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Sir, please, he's my friend, he's helping           
                    me, he's-                                           
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                    Stop shooting, man! I'm Dale's dealer               
          
          Dale looks at the pandemonium as everyone tries to be         
          heard.                                                        
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Guys! Please! We have to get out of here.           
                    Robert, Angie...Mrs. Anderson-                      
          
                                 SAUL                                   
                           (whispers to Dale)                           
                    It's Shannon.                                       
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    I know! Look, we have to get out of here.           
                    I'm sure everything is going to be fine             
                    but better safe than...not.                         
          
                                 SHANNON                                
                    Is this...for real-                                 
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Yes. Terribly real.                                 
          
          Dale and Saul lead Angie and her parents towards the back     
          door.                                                         
          
          
          EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                               
          
          Budlofsky and Matheson are now at the front door. They've     
          each got a gun drawn and are preparing to burst in.           
          Budlofsky is loading his bullet cartridge.                    
          
                                                                    64
          
          
          
                                   MATHESON                               
                    Ready?                                                
          
                                   BUDLOFSKY                              
                    No. One sec.                                          
          
          Budlofsky puts in the last few bullets.                         
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Hurry the fuck up.                                    
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Chill out, man. You're nagging isn't                  
                    helping.                                              
          
          Budlofsky cocks his gun and nods at Matheson.                   
          
          
          INT. ANGIE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
          
          BAM! They kick open the doors and run into her house. No        
          one is there. Budlofsky cautiously walks over to the            
          table and touches the food. It's still warm. Matheson           
          bends down and picks up a bloody fork.                          
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Ew! It's a bloody fork! What are these                
                    people doing?                                         
          
          
          INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS                                        
          
          Dale, Angie, her parents, and Saul burst into the garage.       
          Robert is fumbling with the keys. He manages to open the        
          car. Saul pulls up his shirt to look at the stab wound.         
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Fuck. Look at that. Fuckin' mashed                    
                    potatoes in my wound.                                 
          
                                 ROBERT                                   
                    Baby! Get in the car quick. Angie, in the             
                    car!                                                  
          
          The Andersons get in the car.                                   
          
                                 ANGIE                                    
                    Dale - get in the car!                                
          
                                 ROBERT                                   
                           (to Dale)                                      
                    You stay the fuck away from my family!                
          
                                                                   65
          
          
          
                                   ANGIE                                 
                    Shut up dad!                                         
          
                                 DALE                                    
                           (glances at Robert)                           
                    I...I think it would be best if I didn't             
                    go with you. I don't want to put you in              
                    any more danger.                                     
          
                                 ANGIE                                   
                    What are you going to do? What should we             
                    do?                                                  
          
                                 ROBERT                                  
                    Angie, get in the car!                               
          
                                 DALE                                    
                    Alright, baby. Here's the plan - go to               
                    the Holiday Inn downtown and use a fake              
                    name. Something like...                              
                           (looks around, focuses on                     
                            Robert's car)                                
                    Car...lyle.                                          
          
                                  ANGIE                                  
                    Carlyle?                                             
                           (beat)                                        
                    I...I have so many questions. I                      
                    just...how can this be happening?                    
                    Where...where are you going?                         
          
                                  DALE                                   
                    I have to stop this. I don't know how,               
                    but don't worry. I'll keep you safe.                 
                           (beat)                                        
                    But still, watch your back. You never                
                    know where they might be, whoever they               
                    are.                                                 
          
          Angie gets in the car. Dale pecks her on the lips.             
          
                                   DALE (CONT'D)                         
                    I love you.                                          
          
          Beat.                                                          
          
                                   ANGIE                                 
                    Uh...thanks.                                         
          
          Angie gets in the car. Dale pecks her on the lips.             
          
                                                                  66
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Um...you're welcome. And nice to meet you           
                    guys.                                               
          
          She shuts her door and the Anderson's pull out. Dale          
          watches them depart with great concern.                       
          
                                 SAUL
                    Why aren't we in that car?                          
          
                                 DALE
                    Let's run, man! Run!                                
          
          They start to sprint.
          
                                 SAUL
                     Huff   Huff  Where are we running?                 
          
                                 DALE
                    Somewhere we can think.
          
          
          INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
          
          Ted and Carol are in mid-discussion, and rather
          distraught at that. Behind them two henchmen take the
          dead Asian man's body out the back door.
          
                                  CAROL
                    A fork?                                             
          
                                 TED
                    A bloody fork. In his girlfriends house.            
                    And the blood was fresh.
          
                                 CAROL
                    Maybe he killed her, to protect himself.
          
                                 TED
                    Or maybe it's the Asians fucking with us.
                    What the fuck is going on!
                           (a frustrated beat)
                    Any luck with the cell phones?
          
                                 CAROL
                    They smashed one and left the other one             
                    in the woods to distract us. Took us an             
                    hour to find it. And we found Denton's              
                    car, which was filled with all these                
                    strange disguises. These guys are for               
                    real.                                               
          
          Ted slams his fist on a table. He ponders.
          
                                                                   67
          
          
          
                                 TED
                    I want to talk to the Asians. Get me
                    Cheung's number. Now.
          
                                                       INTERCUT WITH:
          
          
          INT. CHEUNG'S MANSION - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Cheung, the leader of the Asians, has a lavish mansion
          which is covered in ornate decorations and expensive
          merchandise. It is immaculately clean and organized.
          Several armed men with earpieces stand in strategic
          locations throughout the house. Cheung is reading a
          Korean book alone in his study. The phone rings and he
          picks it up.
          
                                   CHEUNG
                             (in Korean)
                    Hello?
          
                                 TED
                    Cheung. It's Ted.
          
          Cheung sits up, shocked to have his opponent calling him.
          He snaps his fingers and two guards run in. He covers the
          phone.
          
                                 CHEUNG
                           (in Korean)
                    Record this conversation.
          
          He uncovers the receiver.
          
                                 CHEUNG (CONT'D)
                           (perfect English)
                    Ted. This is surprising. What would you
                    like?
          
                                 TED
                    Cheung, I want you to call off your man
                    Denton. I don't know what he is, a scout,
                    assassin, and frankly I don't care. I
                    just want him gone. I want him dead. If
                    you do this, I'll consider it a peace
                    offering, otherwise, you're asking for
                    war. And just in case you forgot, I'm
                    number one, and there's a reason for
                    that. You've got 24 hours to reply.
          
          We stay on Cheung. He hails another guard.
          
                                                                   68
          
          
          
                                 CHEUNG
                    Ted Jones is slipping. Our assassin                  
                    failed to kill him, but it did rattle his            
                    confidence. It's earlier than planned,               
                    but we should strike now, while he is                
                    confused. Let it be known-                           
          
          He turns to a picture of the Asian Ted killed earlier.         
          
                                 CHEUNG (CONT'D)                         
                    -Li-Youngs death will not be in vain.                
          
          
          EXT. PARK - NIGHT
          
          Dale and Saul are sitting in the branches of a tree. Fast      
          food wrappers lie scattered. Saul is rolling a joint.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Victory joint complete. Here ya go.
          
          Saul passes it to Dale, who lights it. Dale takes another
          puff and starts to seriously relax. A smile creeps across
          his face as he passes the joint to Saul.
          
                                 DALE
                    "Tell us what you know!" How fuckin'
                    balls was that?
          
          Saul takes a puff.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Like, really balls.
          
                                 DALE
                    And I think I fought pretty well, don't
                    you? You know, for my first time. We were
                    like Tango and Cash, man.
          
                                   SAUL
                    Or Scarface!
          
                                 DALE
                    BOOM! Knocked the door right off it's
                    hinges!
          
          Saul passes the joint to Dale.
          
                                 SAUL
                    And you probably saved Angie, which is
                    fucking pimp.
          
                                                                 69
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    I probably couldn't have done it without
                    you. Thanks, man. It is fucking pimp.
          
                                 SAUL
                    We're in this together, right? So, ya
                    know.
          
          Saul passes the joint to Dale.
          
                                  DALE
                    Thanks, man.
                           (beat)
                    You know, my last dealer was a total
                    dick. You're by far the coolest dealer
                    I've ever had.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (sincerely)
                    Wow. Thanks, man. I seriously appreciate
                    that.
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah...like, the time before last time, I          
                    totally had weed. I just kind of wanted            
                    to chill with you.                                 
          
                                 SAUL
                           (over-joyed)
                    Really? That's awesome, man. That means a          
                    lot to me, `cause, like, plenty of dudes           
                    come in to buy and pretend to be all
                    buddy-buddy with me, but in my head I'm
                    always, like, "you don't like me, you
                    like my drugs, so fuck you, buddy!" You
                    know? And just so you know, I totally              
                    could have lit that cross-joint on my
                    own. I'd just have to use candles, but,
                    like, I've never smoked one of those with
                    anyone before.                                     
          
          Dale passes Saul the joint.                                  
          
                                 DALE
                    So, do you think we should leave town? We          
                    could just get on a bus and go, right?
          
                                 SAUL
                    We only have, like, fifty bucks. I don't
                    think that could even pay for one ticket.
          
          Saul rubs the roach out in the dirt.
          
                                                                 70
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    What about your sack?
          
          Saul rubs his balls again.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Oh man. It's still fucking killing me.
          
                                 DALE
                           (laughing)
                    No dude, your sack of weed. Can't we sell
                    some?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Of course. That's my bread and butter. We
                    just have to go to a highschool. It's the
                    easiest market. Chester A. Arthur is               
                    like, a block a way.                               
          
                                 DALE
                    No way, man. I'm not going to sell to              
                    kids.                                              
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Why? They're gonna get it from somewhere.          
                    I mean, we got it from guys like us.               
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Well, then not kids at that school.                
                                                                       
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Well, there's a bunch of private ones              
                    nearby, but they're into way crazier shit          
                    than weed-                                         
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    I can't do it, man. I'm not going to a             
                    high school is there anywhere else we              
                    could go?                                          
          
                                 SAUL
                           (thinks, then-)
                    We could go to Crackhead Park.
          
                                   DALE
                    What's that?
          
                                 SAUL
                    It's a park. Really close, actually. Full          
                    of crackheads. They smoke weed too,
                    though.                                            
          
                                                                    71
          
          
          
          
          EXT. CRACKHEAD PARK - NIGHT                                     
          
          There are several tarp-houses set up, garbage all over,         
          and crazy/dangerous homeless people milling about the           
          park. A deranged looking homeless man walks over to             
          another one and starts pissing on his leg. They begin           
          fist fighting. Suddenly, a half eaten hamburger hits Dale       
          in the face and a bag lady comes up to Saul and starts          
          poking him.                                                     
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Hey, stop it. Stop it. You wanna buy some             
                    weed, or, like, what?                                 
          
          The bag lady runs off.                                          
          
                                  SAUL (CONT'D)                           
                    See, that's the problem around here.                  
                    Target demographic has a real, uh, fickle             
                    attention span. You gotta wow `em.                    
                           (beat)                                         
                    Hey! Who wants some weed!?!                           
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Fuck this place.                                      
          
                                                             CUT TO:      
          
          
          EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LUNCHTIME - THE NEXT DAY
          
          At the same high school Angie goes to, Dale and Saul walk       
          up to four thirteen year old students. (DESMOND, WALT,
          ACK and BLAKE)
          
                                 SAUL
                    Yo. `sup. You guys want some chronic?                 
          
          
          EXT. ALLEY BEHIND A CONVIENANCE STORE - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Dale and the four kids all laugh hysterically as Saul           
          marches around pretending to be Godzilla, blasting weed
          smoke out of his nose and mouth as though it was fire.
          Saul passes Ack the joint. He takes a puff and starts
          coughing.
          
                                 DALE
                           (very stoned)
                    Man, this is great.
          
                                                       72
          
          
          
                       ACK
           Cough   Cough  What's it called again?
          
                       WALT
          Pineapple express. They said it, like,
          eight times, you fucking `tard.
          
                       ACK
          Oh, so sorry if I-
          
                       BLAKE
          Come on, man. Puff, puff, pass.
          
                       SAUL
          You know, I went here for a year. Kicked           
          me out for having a swiss army knife.
          Everyone has a swiss army knife!
          
                       DALE
          I got like, thirty for my Bar Mitzvah.
          
                       DESMOND
          My Bar Mitzvah sucked.
          
                       ACK
          I touched Jessica Lubell's tit at your
          Bar Mitzvah.
          
                       DALE
          You touched a tit when you were twelve?
          
                       WALT
          Lubell? Are you joking? Those are the
          finest tats in the grade!
          
                       ACK                                   
          Fuck that, dude. Angie in 12th grade has,          
          like, the sweetest tits ever.                      
          
                      DALE                                   
          Hey!                                               
          
                       WALT                                  
          What? You know her?                                
          
                       DALE                                  
          Yeah. She's my girlfriend.                         
          
                       DESMOND                               
          Whoa. You're that dude. You lucky fucker.          
          
                                                                   73
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                    
                           (proud)                                       
                    Yeah. She's pretty sweet.                            
          
                                 SAUL                                    
                    And we're all high, that's hilarious.                
          
          Blake passes the joint to Dale.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                           
                    Alright gentlemen, it's time for me to
                    teach you some business. Brass tacs -
                    this is the best weed you've ever smoked,
                    agreed?
          
          The kids all nod in agreement.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    So I'm gonna make this simple. How much
                    did you get between you?
          
                                 BLAKE
                    A hundred and seventy eight.
          
          Saul pulls out his impressive bag of weed. The kids GASP.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Alright. You gimme all your money, you
                    can each take two handfuls of weed. That
                    treat ya right?
          
          The kids cheer as Desmond takes two BIG handfuls.
          
                                 DESMOND
                    That's fucking awesome!
          
                                 SAUL
                    I know. Keep it on the down low.
          
          They pay Dale and take their weed. Happy as hell, they
          run off, stuffing HANDFULS OF WEED into their pockets.
          
                                 ACK
                           (to Walt)
                    Jason'll never believe this...until I
                    show him all this weed!
          
          Dale holds the un-lit joint as Saul takes the pot and the
          money.
          
                                 SAUL
                    And we, my good man, are officially scott
                    fuckin' free.
          
                                                                 74
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    There are still people trying to kill us.          
          
                                 SAUL
                    But at least now we can afford to run.
                    I'm gonna go buy some celebration snacks.
                    Let's have us a little mardi-gras                  
                    fiesta.
          
          Saul laughs as he puts on his backpack and walks around
          the corner. Dale re-lights the remaining roach and           
          casually smokes. He blows some smoke rings, coughs a bit,
          stretches; for a few moments, looking completely relaxed,
          but then-
          
          A COP CAR screeches to a halt right in front of Dale! A
          female POLICE LIAISON OFFICER (who is not Carol) gets out
          of the car. Dale freezes in horror.
          
                                  POLICE LIAISON
                    Don't move!
          
          She walks towards Dale. He seems prepared to run, but she
          places her hand on a can of pepper spray.
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON (CONT'D)
                    Don't move! This stuff hurts. What's in
                    your hand?
          
                                 DALE.
                    I'm sorry, Ma'am. It's weed. I'll get rid
                    of it right away, I was just smoking
                    this. I...I thought it was
                    decriminalized. Or something. For medical
                    purposes. I have epilepsy.
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Selling pot to my students isn't
                    "decriminalized." I'm the liaison officer
                    for this school and I just caught four
                    students showing off handfuls of
                    marijuana to their friends. They told me
                    they got it back here. Put your hands up.
          
          She cuffs Dale's hands behind him!
          
                                 DALE
                    Wait! I wasn't selling anything! All I
                    have is this little joint.
          
          
          Police Liaison takes the large joint out of Dale's hand.
          
                                                                    75
          
          
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    You call this little?
          
          She throws it on the ground and smears it around with her
          foot.
          
                                 DALE
                    I don't even have any money! How did I
                    sell weed if I don't have any money?!? I
                    was just smoking it. I swear. Please.
          
          She pats him down, finding only his wallet. The Police
          Liaison sees he only has nine dollars. She pulls out his
          DRIVER'S LICENSE.
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    It's possible you're telling the truth.
                    I'm going to run a check and if it turns
                    out you don't have any priors and all
                    you've got is this small amount of
                    marijuana, I'll let you go with a fine.
                    Take a seat.
          
          She walks towards her car as Dale sits on the ground.
          
          ANGLE ON: Saul
          
          Saul merrily turns into the alley holding TWO RED
          SLURPEES, when he jumps back in terror! He sees the cop         
          car up the alley. He ducks back behind the corner.
          
                                 SAUL
                    They got Dale. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh
                    fuck...
          
          ANGLE ON: Dale and the Police Liaison
          
          She looks at her car computer. The screen reads:
          
          DALE DENTON: OUTSTANDING WARRANT - DOUBLE HIT AND RUN.
          
          She looks back at Dale and types into her computer.
          
          
          INT. CAROL'S COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
          
          We see Carol (who is in fact Ted's evil accomplice)
          speeding down the road. Her police computer beeps. She
          looks at the screen.
          
                                 CAROL
                           (smiling)
                    Denton.
          
                                                                    76
          
          
          
          
          EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
          
          The Police Liaison stuffs Dale in the back of her squad
          car.
          
                                 DALE
                    What is this for? What did that thing
                    tell you? What did I do?
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Hit and run, Mr. Denton. A double,
                    actually. You hit two parked cars two
                    nights ago.
          
          A look of crippling horror comes across Dale's face as
          she throws him in the back seat and slams his door shut.
          
          ANGLE ON: Saul
          
          He peaks down the alley and sees Dale in the back of the
          car and the FEMALE Police Liaison getting in the front.
          
                                 SAUL
                    The lady cop. She's gonna kill him.
          
          The car slowly makes a three point turn.
          
          
          INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
          
                                 DALE
                    You don't understand! You have to let me
                    go! Dirty cops are gonna kill me! Please!
          
          The Police Liaison ignores Dale.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    This...this lady cop, and these guys                  
                    Budlofsky and Matheson, they all work for             
                    Ted Jones, and-
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                           (suddenly interested)
                    Ted Jones?
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah. With grey-hair. Tell me you know
                    what I'm talking about. He lives near
                    Evergreen Heights. He-
          
                                                                    77
          
          
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Are you telling me you saw Ted Jones and
                    a police office shoot someone?
          
                                 DALE
                    Yeah. An Asian someone.
          
          The Police Liaison ponders as she finishes her three
          point turn and drives toward the exit of the alley.
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Stay calm, do as your told, I'll get you
                    down to the station.
          
                                 DALE
                           (ecstatic)
                    Yes ma'am.
          
          
          EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul peeks out and sees the approaching cop car. He looks
          at the two red slurpees and thinks, then suddenly jumps
          out and THROWS himself onto the hood of the cop car!
          
          The Police Liaison and Dale see a body SLAM against the
          car and RED LIQUID SPLATTER everywhere, covering the
          windshield. They SCREAM.
          
          WHAM! In the impact, we clearly see Saul's BALLS getting
          ROCKED on the car! The Police Liaison slams on the
          brakes, causing Dale to SMASH into the metal cage.
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Oh my god! Is that blood? Oh my god!
          
          She puts the car in park. As the Police Liaison gets out
          of her car, Saul can be seen crawling around the back of
          the vehicle, clutching his testicles. The frightened
          Police Liaison looks at the windshield.
          
          She notices the two slurpee cups on the ground and
          quickly turns around. She sees Saul jumping into the
          drivers seat.
          
          Saul sees a SHOTGUN beside the passenger seat. The Police
          Liaison reaches for her GUN!
          
                                 DALE
                    NO! What are you doing!?!
          
                                                                    78
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Saving you. Hold on, amigo. Tango and
                    Cash!
          
                                 POLICE LIAISON
                    Freeze mister! Don't even...
          
          Saul slams the car into reverse! He speeds backwards up
          the alley as the Police Liaison runs after them - GUN
          DRAWN!
          
                                 DALE
                    No! She was going to help us!
          
                                 SAUL
                           (in pain)
                    Oh...my balls...I seriously think I
                    popped one...
          
          Suddenly, Carol (the cop from Ted's house) whips her COP
          CAR into the alley! WHAM!!! It smashes into the rear of
          their car! Dale turns around and establishes eye contact
          with the stunned Carol.
          
                                 DALE
                           (horrified)
                    IT'S HER! The lady cop!
          
          Saul slams down the gas! Through the slurpee covered
          window Saul sees the Police Liaison rushing towards them.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (motion at the Police
                            Liaison)
                    Then who's that?
          
          The Police Liaison raises her gun.
          
                 SAUL (CONT'D)                      DALE
          NOOOO!!!                      AAAAH!!!
          
          BLAM! She fires and the bullet punches through the              
          windshield! The Police Liaison dives to the side as they        
          zoom past her! They burst out of the alley. A moment
          later, Carol follows, in hot pursuit.
          
          
          I/E. DALE AN SAUL'S STOLEN COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
          
          The car weaves through traffic.
          
                                 SAUL
                    The slurpee! I can't see!
          
                                                                    79
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    Turn on the wipers!
          
          Saul mindlessly starts grasping at switches in the car.
          He finally turns on the wipers, which wipe away the
          slurpee and reveal that the window is so badly cracked he
          still can't see through it. Carol's car emerges right           
          behind them.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude, I seriously can't see!
          
                                 DALE
                    Kick out the window! Isn't that what they
                    do?
          
                                 SAUL
                    I don't know. Okay.
          
          Saul, with great effort, keeps one foot on the pedals
          and, with all his might, kicks his other leg through the
          front window. His leg PUNCHES straight through the glass,
          but he can't pull it back in!
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Oh fuck! Shit!
          
                                 DALE
                    Get it out of there!
          
          Suddenly, their car gets jerked to the side.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Ah! Ah! My leg!
          
          Carol is ramming them from behind.
          
                                 DALE
                           (hysterical)
                    She's following us! She's gaining on us!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Her car's better!
          
          Saul yanks at his leg and manages to wriggle it out of
          the hole. He begins to accelerate and realizes he can see
          where he's going through the hole.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Ha! I can see! Through my leg hole!
          
          Saul bumps over the curb and cuts through a LARGE PARK.
          Carol is right behind them.
          
                                                                    80
          
          
          
                                  DALE
                     Do something!
          
          Saul thinks hard, then buckles his seat belt.
          
                                  SAUL
                     Hold on. I've got an idea.
          
          Dale does what little he can to brace himself. Saul SLAMS
          on the breaks. Carol sees Saul screeching to a halt and         
          slams on her breaks. She grunts and whips out her GUN.          
          Both cars come to a full stop beside one another.               
          
          She opens fire - BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! - Bullets
          rip through the stolen cruiser. Shattered glass flies
          everywhere. Dale and Saul desperately duck for cover.
          
          Saul hits the gas and the bullet riddled car takes off.
          Carol follows.
          
                                  DALE
                     WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?
          
          Saul pops back up and begins steering again.
          
                                  SAUL
                     Oh shit, man! I'm sorry! I thought she'd
                     keep going.
          
          The car bumps back on to a main road. Carol follows,
          sirens blaring.
          
                                  DALE
                     Turn on the sirens!
          
          Saul's hand flails around, grasping everything. He feels
          the SHOTGUN and accidentally pulls the trigger-
          
          BOOM! The blast blows through the roof of the car and
          hits an overhead TRAFFIC LIGHT - shredding it to pieces!
          
                      SAUL                          DALE
          JESUS!!!                         SHIT!
          
          Carol flies into the intersection on a collision course
          with Saul and Dale.
          
          CRUNCH! A car smashes into the side of the Carol's
          cruiser.
          
          As Dale and Saul speed off, Carol emerges from the
          smoking wreckage, a look of hate in her eyes.
          
                                                                    81
          
          
          
          
          EXT. QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET - MOMENTS LATER
          
          The stolen cruiser screeches to a halt and Saul hops out.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Run!
          
          He starts running up the block at top speed.
          
          Dale, still handcuffed in the back of the cruiser, starts
          thrashing and screaming.
          
                                 DALE
                    Saul! Saul! I'm locked in!
          
          Dale continues to scream as Saul obliviously bolts to the
          end of the block and just keeps going.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    You dumb fucking fuck!!! HELP ME!!!
          
          Dale sits in the car, helpless. He has a look of utter
          disbelief on his face. After a moment of silence he
          starts wildly kicking the door window. He soon gives up.
          
          Just then, Dale notices Saul, over a block away, running
          back towards the stolen car. Saul soon arrives,
          completely out of breath, and opens the door.
          
                                 SAUL
                    So... huff ... huff ...fuckin'
                    sorry... huff ...forgot...
          
          Dale flops out of the car and onto the grass. Saul tries
          to help him to his feet, but Dale pulls away.
          
                                 DALE
                    Don't touch me, you asshole!
          
          Dale wiggles to his feet runs for it. Saul follows.
          
          
          INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY                                       
          
          Dale and Saul enter the hardware store, walking very            
          close together so that no one sees Dale is handcuffed.          
          They receive a few odd looks as they search and locate          
          what they are looking for: saws. Saul quickly finds a           
          sturdy looking hack-saw.                                        
          
                                                                    82
          
          
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Okay, only one way to do this, hard and               
                    fast. Bend over.                                      
          
          Dale gets on his knees and bends over, pressing his face        
          up against the wall. Saul begins to manically hack away         
          at the cuffs.                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Ow! Ow! Hurry!                                        
          
                                  SAUL                                    
                    I am!                                                 
          
          Suddenly, Saul sees a store clerk coming and shoves the         
          saw underneath Dale's suit jacket.                              
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Which saw do you like most?                           
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    The brown ones nice, but the metallic                 
                    ones seems more...                                    
          
          They watch the clerk walk off and immediately return to         
          sawing the handcuffs.                                           
          
                                                              CUT TO:     
          
          
          EXT. HARDWARE STORE - SOON AFTER                                
          
          Dale stretches his arms. The handcuffs are still on his         
          hands, but no longer attached.                                  
          
                                 DALE                                     
                           (relieved)
                    Okay, I'm going to go call Angie. Be                  
                    right back.
          
                                 SAUL
                    A thank you would be nice!
          
          
          EXT. PAY PHONE - MOMENTS LATER                                  
          
          Dale is on the phone.                                           
          
                                 DALE
                    Could I have the, uh, Carlyle room,
                    please?
          
          INTERCUT WITH:
          
                                                                  83
          
          
          
          
          INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Angie is watching TV alone in a hotel room. The phone
          rings and she picks it up.
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Dale?
          
                                 DALE
                    Angie! Thank god you're okay!
          
                                 ANGIE
                    I'm fine. How are you? Are you okay?
          
                                 DALE
                    I'm great. I'm fine. I miss you. So,                
                    here's the plan, babe. I'm going to leave           
                    town and contact a government official or
                    something. From somewhere safe. I know              
                    this shit is all fucked up and I just               
                    can't apologize enough.                             
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Dale. I've realized some problems and-
          
                                 DALE
                    I know there's a problem! That's the
                    thing, that's why I-
          
                                 ANGIE
                    Dale, shut up and listen. People are                
                    trying to kill you, and me! Dale, drug              
                    dealers are trying to kill me, because of           
                    you! It's fucking over, man. Are you                
                    kidding me? For gods sake...                        
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    Angie, no! No! Don't you get it? I was              
                    thrown into this situation, I had no                
                    control, but I am dealing with it. This             
                    kind of thing happens, you know-                    
          
                                  ANGIE                                 
                    NO! IT DOESN"T!                                     
                           (beat)                                       
                    You're immature, Dale! I'm six years                
                    younger and I'm saying this! And the fact           
                    that you think you're some kind of
                    fucking genius just makes it a hundred
                    times more infuriating!                             
          
                                                                 84
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    What? You're telling me you think I'm a
                    dumb guy?
          
                                 ANGIE                                 
                    You're not how you think you are Dale,
                    and it's pathetic. Call me when I can go           
                    home.                                              
          
          Angie hangs up.                                              
          
          
          EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS                                  
          
          As Dale walks out of his phone booth, we see that Saul is    
          on the phone in the next booth and is also smoking from a    
          pipe.                                                        
          
                                  SAUL                                 
                    Alrghit, I'll see you soon. And I'm sorry          
                    again about the clocks.                            
                           (beat)                                      
                    Ha! What a douche bag.                             
                           (beat)                                      
                    Yeah, love you too.                                
          
          Saul hangs up and exits the phone booth.                     
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                         
                    Yo, so before we go on the lamb I gotta            
                    go see my grandma, okay? She was worried           
                    `cause I didn't show up to help with the           
                    locks. But before that I've got to smoke           
                    another bowl.                                      
          
                                 DALE
                    Are you joking? You're actually gonna
                    smoke marijuana?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Why not?                                           
          
                                 DALE
                    How can you smoke marijuana after what we
                    just went through? That clearly happened
                    because we were smoking marijuana.
          
                                 SAUL
                    No. It happened because those fucking
                    kids didn't keep that shit on the down
                    low. Which is weird, `cause they really            
                    seemed like cool kids.                             
          
                                                                    85
          
          
          
                                 DALE
                    If you haven't noticed, we're not very
                    functional when we're stoned, Saul.
          
                                 SAUL
                    When I saved you with those Slurpees I
                    was stoned. What do you gotta say to
                    that? Maybe the pot is what gave me the
                    creative capacity to come up with such a
                    great plan! The Beatles were high!                    
          
                                 DALE
                    You didn't save me! She was going to
                    protect us, and now we're wanted for all
                    sorts of crazy shit!
          
          Saul lights his bowl.                                           
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Fine. Smoke marijuana. But you know how
                    "Scarface" ends. Face down, dead, in your
                    own fuckin' water fountain.
          
                                 SAUL
                    For one thing, I'm done dealing pot.
                    Mostly, because I don't know where I
                    would get it now, but still. And "b",
                    fuck you, man. You can't judge me. We're
                    exactly the same, and this whole thing's
                    your fucking fault. You're the one who
                    dropped the roach!
          
                                 DALE
                    It's not my fault!
          
          Dale points at Saul's bowl.                                     
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    It's marijuana's fault!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Stop calling it marijuana!
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Grow up, you fucking two year old.                    
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    See! This is why you're a douche bag,                 
                    Denton. Because you think you're better               
                    than others, but you're just a dumb                   
                    pothead burnout, same as me.                          
          
                                                                    86
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Maybe I am a pothead burnout, but at                  
                    least I'm not the dumbest most annoying               
                    guy in the world. The only reason I ever              
                    bought weed from you was because you're               
                    shit is so good, not because you're cool.             
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    But you said you bought when you already              
                    had a few times, just to hang out?                    
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Bullshit! I just like...liked having lots             
                    of different kinds of weed at once.                   
          
          Saul takes out his wad of cash and throws half of it at
          Dale.
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Here. Buy yourself a good last meal.
          
          He throws fifty more cents at the shocked Dale.                 
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Super size it, bitch.
          
          Saul walks off.                                                 
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Saul! I'm sorry, man! I didn't mean all               
                    that! Saul!                                           
          
          A sad Dale starts picking up the money.                         
          
          
          INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
          
          Carol, who is a little bruised up from the car crash,
          sits with Ted. They are both furious.
          
                                 CAROL
                    Guy drove like a mother-fucker. It was                
                    amazing.                                              
          
                                 TED
                    This is not good. We should have this
                    under control. We haven't heard shit from             
                    the Asians. Got these lunatics after us.              
                    Shit.                                                 
          
          Carol checks her watch.
          
                                                                  87
          
          
          
                                 CAROL
                    We should probably get to the farm.                 
          
          MUSIC UP: THE END by THE DOORS
          
          - Saul gets on a bus and sits down, sad and deject.           
          
          - Dale sits against the phone booth, crying like a baby.      
          He buries his hands in his pocket and pulls out his baggy     
          of weed. He hurls it away. He gets up to retrieve it.         
          
          - Saul is in a really shitty fast food restaurant, nearly     
          crying as he eats his burger and fries.                       
          
          - Dale stares at a joint in his hands, thinks for a           
          moment, and then, crying profusely, lights it and starts
          smoking.
          
          A solitary tear rolls down his cheek and drips directly
          onto the tip of the joint, putting it out. Dale hears the
          sizzle and looks at the joint. He continues crying. He        
          puts the joint down, beside three large roaches.              
          
          - Walking down the street, Saul sees the Point Grey           
          Retirement Home.                                              
          
          - Dale feverishly looks through the phone book. He finds      
          what he's looking for: Belogus.                               
          
          - Saul, hiding behind a bush across the street, surveys       
          the retirement home. Seeing the coast is clear, he walks
          towards the entrance. As Saul enters the building,            
          Budlofksy and Matheson pull up.                               
          
          
          INT. RETIREMENT HOME - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul casually walks into the lobby. The elderly residents
          of the retirement home are milling around the massive
          common room.
          
                                 ELDERLY WOMAN(O.S.)
                    Solly?
          
          Saul turns and sees an ELDERLY WOMAN.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Hey! Mrs. Mendelson!
          
          Saul peers over her shoulder and sees Budlofsky and           
          Matheson walk in!                                             
          
                                                                    88
          
          
          
                                   SAUL (CONT'D)
                    HOLY SHIT!!!
          
          Saul runs for it, and they chase after him. He maneuvers        
          through the elderly like a pylon course, the thugs right        
          on his ass. He bursts into another room.                        
          
          
          INT. CAFFETERIA - CONTINUOUS                                    
          
          He tears through the room, filled with old people eating.       
          Budlofsky and Matheson pursue him.                              
          
          
          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS                                       
          
          As Saul runs through the hall, Budlofksy and Matheson           
          appear.                                                         
          
                                   MATHESON                               
                    Eat it!                                               
          
          Matheson whip out his gun and fires - BLAM! The bullet          
          whizzes past Saul and two elderly men, who don't even           
          flinch, and then shatters a distant window. Saul turns          
          the corner and-                                                 
          
          BAM! He slams into someone, sending the person crashing         
          to the ground.                                                  
          
                                 INJURED PERSON                           
                    OW! Shit...ow, ow, ow!                                
          
          Saul looks, terrified he's hurt an old person, but sees         
          it is a young male nurse. He runs for it and sees an open       
          door with chatter coming from inside. He runs into-             
          
          
          INT. TEA ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          A dead end! Several startled OLD WOMEN look up from their
          Majong. One of them instantly recognizes Saul-
          
                                 MRS. CORBER
                    Solly Silver?!?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Mrs. Corber! You gotta hide me!
          
          The Budlofsky and Matheson bursts into the room. Saul           
          looks around, sees a teapot and grabs it. He hurls it at        
          Matheson and nails him in the face. The tea pot shatters        
          and hot water pours all over his face and hand.                 
          
                                                                    89
          
          
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    AHH!!! FUCK!!!                                        
          
          Budlofsky GRABS Saul and knees him in the balls.                
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                           (wheezing)                                     
                    NOOO!!!
          
                                   BUDLOFSKY                              
                    Yeah!                                                 
          

          Budlofsky punches Saul in the face.                             
          
          CUT TO BLACK                                                    
          
          
          EXT. POINT GREY RETIREMENT HOME - CONTINUOUS                    
          
          Dale hustles towards the entrance of the building when he       
          sees several police cars parked outside, their lights           
          flashing.                                                       
          
          He sees a bunch of old people gathered on the front lawn.       
          Doing his best to avoid the cops, he joins the cluster of       
          elderly.                                                        
          
                                 OLD WOMAN                                
                    Oh, god this is terrible. Poor Faye.                  
                    Poor, poor Faye.                                      
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Hey, uh, what's going on here?                        
          
                                 OLD MAN                                  
                    It just happened.                                     
          
                                   DALE                                   
                    What did?                                             
          
                                 OLD WOMAN                                
                    Faye Belogus' grandson was kidnapped from             
                    right inside the building. We all saw it.             
                    They fought in the majong room and hurt               
                    the new nurse, Stefan.                                
          
          Dale is terrified.                                              
          
                                   DALE                                   
                    Uh...thanks.                                          
          
                                 OLD MAN                                  
                    If I was there, I would've kicked an ass.             
          
                                                                 90
          
          
          
          Dale looks, circle of people comforting a crying old         
          woman, clearly Faye Belogus. He walks over.                  
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Mrs. Belogus. I wouldn't worry, Saul's             
                    going to be fine.                                  
          
          Dale walks off, determined.                                  
          
          
          INT. THE BARN - SOON AFTER                                   
          
          Saul wakes up but can't see anything. From his POV we see    
          tape get ripped off his eyes and mouth.                      
          
                                   SAUL                                
                    ARRGGGHHH!!!                                       
          
          Saul sees a BUDLOFSKY wielding a knife. He struggles and     
          realizes that his arms and legs are bound. Saul closes       
          his eyes, assuming he's about to die.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                         
                           (whispers to himself)
                    Fuck. I regret everything.                         
          
          BUDLOFSKY cuts the tape away from Saul's legs.               
          
                                   BUDLOFSKY                           
                    Get up.
          
          Saul gets up and hops out of the car. He looks around and    
          see that he is in a LARGE BARN. Saul notices SIX THUGS       
          talking as they move bricks of weed and cocaine into a       
          van.                                                         
          
          Matheson appears and looks at Saul with smoldering           
          hatred. Saul sees that his face and neck were burnt from     
          the tea and the broken shards of pot cut his cheek.          
          
                                 SAUL                                  
                    Oh fuck. That looks painful.                       
          
          Matheson walks over, lowers to one knee, and punches him     
          straight in the balls.                                       
          
                                   SAUL (CONT'D)                       
                    EEEHH!!!                                           
          
          Matheson whips out his gun and shoves it in Saul's mouth.    
          Budlofsky taps Matheson on the shoulder.                     
          
                                                                    91
          
          
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Don't. Ted wants him.                                 
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Fine.                                                 
          
          Matheson looks at the wheezing Saul, curled over by his         
          feet, and punches him in the back of the head.                  
          
          Matheson pokes Saul in the back with his gun, ushering          
          him towards the corner of the barn. They come to an old         
          TRAP DOOR. Matheson opens the hatch and they descend.           
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul is led along a narrow tunnel. As they reach the end,       
          Saul's eyes go wide. He enters the same massive metal           
          room that the government used in the 30s (at the                
          beginning of the movie)...only now it is rather worn
          down, and filled with HUNDREDS OF HUGE MARIJUANA PLANTS.
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                           (breath-taken)
                    El Dorado.
          
          Matheson urges Saul through the dense forest of weed,           
          passing several of Ted's thugs, the hum of the giant grow       
          lights filling the air.                                         
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                            
                    Dude, look at all this weed.                          
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Shut the fuck up and keep moving.                     
          
          As Matheson ushers Saul through the foliage, Saul notices       
          a strange suit that resembles an old fashioned scuba            
          diving uniform (the one from the 1930s intro) hanging on        
          a wall.                                                         
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    What the hell is that?                                
          
          They arrive at a door. Matheson opens it and shoves Saul        
          in, causing him to almost trip.                                 
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                            
                    Ow.                                                   
          
          It is the same room Private Miller was in. Matheson shuts       
          the door.                                                       
          
                                                                    92
          
          
          
          
          INT. RED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS                                   
          
          BAM! Dale kicks open Red's door and dashes into Red's,          
          ready for anything.                                             
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Hello? Anyone here? Red?                              
          
          Dale starts looking around. He hears music and then sees        
          he's stepping in a pool of blood.                               
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                    Oh my god.                                            
          
          Dale follows the music into the bathroom.                       
          
          
          INT. RED'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                                
          
          Dale enters and is shocked to see Red lying on the floor,       
          clenching his bloody gut with one hand and a joint and          
          beer in the other. The music is coming from a small boom        
          box.                                                            
          
                                 RED                                      
                           (a little out of it)                           
                    What? Who the fuck!                                   
          
          Red turns toward Dale and picks up a kitchen knife with         
          his bloody hand.                                                
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)                             
                    Stay the fuck back, Denton! I didn't do               
                    shit! I'll gut ya if I have to, tooled ya             
                    once, tool ya again!                                  
          
                                 DALE                                     
                           (utterly shocked)                              
                    I...what? I'm not here to fight, man, I-              
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Good, man. I'm fuckin' tired.                         
          
          Red drops the knife and then takes a puff of his joint          
          and a sip of his beer.                                          
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)                             
                    I'm dyin', Denton. Fuckin' shot. Right                
                    here-                                                 
                           (he points at his wound)                       
                                 (MORE)
          
                                                                    93
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)
                    I'm having a little going away party and              
                    I don't remember inviting you,                        
                    cocksucker. So I'm gonna ask you to                   
                    leave. In my dying moments, I don't want              
                    some asshole I barely know around.                    
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Go to the hospital, man! Are you crazy.               
                    You don't have to die.                                
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Yes I do! What? I go to the hospital, I'm             
                    gonna end up in But that doesn't matter               
                    `cause once Ted finds out, which he will,             
                    I'm dead wherever I am. I'm fucked                    
                    through and through. Now if you'd be                  
                    willing to give a dying man his wish,                 
                    could ya run on into the other room and               
                    pop in disc two of Tu Pacs "All Eyez On               
                    Me". I want to listen to it while I die.              
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    You don't have to die.                                
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Will you stop saying that, I've excepted              
                    it, man. I'm at peace.  cough                         
          
          Red takes a hit and coughs. It clearly brings terrible          
          pain to his bullet wound.                                       
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Red, I need you to tell me where Ted's                
                    base is. He took Saul, and I can't bail               
                    on him. I'm going to get him back.                    
          
          Red stares intensely at Dale.                                   
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Fuckin eh, amigo.                                     
          
          Red heroic-ish-ly rises from the floor. He hobbles over         
          to the hall and opens a cabinet on the wall. Dale looks         
          in and sees several hand guns inside.                           
          
                                 RED (CONT'D)                             
                    Blaze of glory, motherfucker.                         
          
          
          INT/EXT. RED'S CAR - NIGHT                                      
          
          Dale and Red are in Red's car, a FORD FIESTA, driving           
          through the countryside. Dale stops the car 100 yards           
          from the barn.                                                  
          
                                                                  94
          
          
          
                                 RED                                    
                    This is awesome! We're so gonna show                
                    those motherfuckers. Think they can kill            
                    me? Fuck no, you can't! Not how I roll.             
          
          Red gets out and walks to the drivers side. Dale gets         
          out, gun in hand. Red gets in the drivers seat.               
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    What are you doing?                                 
          
                                 RED                                    
                    So, this is the backside of the farm. If            
                    you stay low in the grass you should be             
                    fine. If someone is shooting at you with            
                    an automatic weapon, zig zag. It makes              
                    you harder to hit.                                  
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    You're not coming to help?                          
          
                                 RED                                    
                    Fuck no! I've been shot. By these guys. I           
                    was in shock before, but the air on the             
                    drive cleared my mind, I should get to              
                    the hospital. You saw Reservoir Dogs,               
                    right? I got shot in the best spot                  
                    possible. I could have a long and                   
                    fruitful life ahead of me. Full of                  
                    possibilities. Go get `em, slugger.                 
          
                                 DALE                                   
                    But how do I get out of here if I rescue            
                    Saul?                                               
          
                                 RED                                    
                    I've no idea. I'm sure it won't be that             
                    hard. Kill some dude and take his car, or           
                    just take it or whatever. Good luck,                
                    amigo!                                              
          
          Red drives off. Dale takes a deep breath, clenches his        
          gun, and starts cautiously moving towards the barn. He        
          checks to make sure his safety is off and he's ready to       
          fight. Dale sneaks up on the building and pears in            
          between two boards. He sees Budlofsky supervising as the      
          thugs load the van.                                           
          
                                                                    95
          
          
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS                                          
          
          Budlofsky is about to light a cigarette, when SUDDENLY          
          Dale does a jumping role into the burn and then quickly         
          scampers to his feet and puts a gun to THUG 1's head.           
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    I'll blow his fuckin' brains out if you               
                    don't-                                                
          
          BLAM! Budlofsky shoots Thug 1 in the chest.                     
          
                                   DALE (CONT'D)                          
                    Oh my god.                                            
          
          Dale drops his gun and puts his hands up.                       
          
                                 THUG 2                                   
                    What the fuck was that, Budlofsky?                    
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Haven't you seen "Speed"? "Shoot the                  
                    hostage".                                             
          
                                 THUG 2                                   
                    In the leg, you fucking moron!                        
          
          Budlofsky points his gun at Thug 2.                             
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Still worked.                                         
          
          Two of the thugs grab Dale and punch him several times.         
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)                       
                    Throw him in with the other guy, and                  
                    everyone stay alert. Jared, go watch                  
                    outside. This is fucked up. Somethings                
                    going down.                                           
          
          The thugs start bringing Dale towards the hatch. Suddenly       
          one of them motions for the other to stop, feeling              
          something on Dale's back.                                       
          
                                 THUG 3                                   
                    I think he's got a gun.                               
          
                                   BUDLOFSKY                              
                    What?                                                 
          
          Thug 3 lifts up Dale's shirt, revealing that he has taped       
          a gun to his back.                                              
          
                                                                 96
          
          
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)                    
                    You're kidding me, right? Die Hard?                
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    I had to try.                                      
          
          The thugs bring him down the trap door.                      
          
                                 THUG 3 (O.S.)                         
                    Hey! He's got another one taped to his             
                    stomach!                                           
          
                                   THUG 4 (O.S.)                       
                    And his leg!                                       
          
          
          INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul is sitting against the wall with his hands bound and    
          a look of complete defeat. Suddenly, the door opens and      
          Dale is tossed in by Budlofsky.                              
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dale!?! What the fuck? Did you rat me
                    out, you shitty bastard? That what
                    happened?
          
                                 DALE
                    No! I came here to save you!                       
          
                                 SAUL
                    To save me? Ha! That's rich! You're                
                    caught, too. And now I have to die with            
                    some asshole.                                      
          
                                 DALE
                    Saul, I deserved that, because I fucked            
                    you. You're right, this whole things my            
                    fault, and they only way I can make it up          
                    to you is by rescuing you, and that's why          
                    I'm here. To save my friend.                       
          
                                 SAUL
                    Tell ya what, Dale. You actually save me           
                    and I'll consider forgiving you for this           
                    mad shit.                                          
          
                                 DALE                                  
                    Good. `Cause I will.                               
          
                                                                    97
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Oh really? What, you forget to tell me
                    you shoot lasers out of your eyes, or you
                    got some kind of secret blowtorch
                    strapped to your dick? We're not gonna
                    escape, Dale, we're losers, and sinners,
                    and after we die, we're gonna go to hell!
          
                                 DALE
                    We're not losers! We did that car chase.
                    That was all you, man! You got away from
                    the cops. I've watched, like, nine
                    billion hours of worlds wildest police
                    chases and I've never seen a guy get
                    away. Not once! But you did it. You did
                    the impossible.
          
          Suddenly, they both hear someone coming. The door opens.
          Matheson pokes his head, and gun, in.                           
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    We can hear you out there, and it's
                    annoying. Shut the fuck up.
          
          He looks Dale and Saul up and down, then shuts the door.
          Dale sits down and thinks, but is disturbed by his belt
          buckle, which is digging into his gut.
          
                                 DALE                                     
                           (whispering)
                    Perfect! Now rub your wrists against my
                    belt! My belt buckle'll cut the tape. Do
                    it! This is it!
          
          Saul is hesitant, but awkwardly gets in position anyway.
          
                                   DALE (CONT'D)
                             (whispering)
                    Hurry!
          
          In an unavoidably sexual-looking motion, Saul begins to
          gyrate against Dale's belt buckle.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                           (hushed)
                    Yes! Yes! You know what this is called,               
                    Saul? This is called saving you.                      
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          The barn door slides open. Ted and Carol walk in.
          
                                                                    98
          
          
          
                                 TED
                    You have them?
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    Got them downstairs.
          
                                 CAROL
                    Where did you find them?
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    We found Saul at his grandmother's and                
                    Dale Denton busted in here like a madman,             
                    armed to the teeth, and-                              
          
          Budlofsky looks over at the man he shot.                        
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)                       
                    Yeah, he just plugged Frank and then I                
                    disarmed him. We got `em both holed up                
                    downstairs.                                           
          
                                 TED
                    He shot Frank? Jesus. Fuckin' Frank.                  
          
                                 CAROL
                    Who the fuck is this Dale Denton?                     
          
          
          EXT. BARN - CONTINUOUS                                          
          
          Five Asian men lay on their stomachs in the tree line           
          dressed in black and armed with machine guns. One of them       
          stares through a pair of night-vision binoculars while          
          utilizing a listening device. We see his view of Ted and        
          hear what he hears.                                             
          
                                 TED                                      
                    Well, we'll torture these two bastards                
                    and find out everything they know. What               
                    about the shipment? Ready to move out?                
          
                                 BUDLOFSKY                                
                    We'll be good to in 10 minutes or so.                 
          
          The Asian leader nods and does some hand signals to his         
          men. The acknowledge they understand. He holds up a             
          flashlight and flashes three times. From the opposing           
          side of the barn two other flashlights blink back. They         
          all get up and start to slowly move towards the barn.           
          
                                                                    99
          
          
          
          
          INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
          
          Dale and Saul are still "humping" away.
          
                                 DALE
                    This isn't working. Turn around. I'm
                    using my mouth.
          
          Dale drops to his knees and starts gnawing at the tape on
          Saul's hands. Suddenly, they hear approaching footsteps.
          
                                 SAUL
                           (whispering)
                    Someone's coming!
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)
                    Yo - if I cough, I'm going to make a
                    move, if I cough twice, you take the                  
                    lead. Got it?
          
                                 SAUL
                           (whispering)
                    What? No! What if you actually cough?
          
          Dale stands up just as Matheson walks in, gun drawn. Dale       
          looks at Saul and notices that he's managed to free his
          hands.
          
          Dale COUGHS TWICE. Saul shoots him a worried look and
          shakes his head. Matheson notices. Saul COUGHS TWICE.           
          Dale shoots him a confused look. Saul motions at him and
          COUGHS TWICE MORE.
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    Hey man, whatever you're doing, I get it,
                    okay? So just stop it, alright? Just cut
                    it-
          
          DALE CHARGES DIRECTLY AT MATHESON!!!                            
          
          BLAM! Matheson shoots at Dale's head! Dale falls to the         
          ground, specks of blood hitting Saul as he dives
          forwards, TACKLING Matheson into the wall!                      
          
          The Matheson's gun slides across the room, hitting Dale's       
          motionless body. Saul scrambles for the gun and grabs it.
          Matheson gets to his feet. Saul turns and-                      
          
          BLAM! He shoots Matheson in the gut.                            
          
                                                                   100
          
          
          
                                   MATHESON (CONT'D)                      
                    AAAHHHHH!!!
          
                                 SAUL
                    Holy shit, man! I'm sorry!
          
          Matheson writhes in pain.                                       
          
                                 MATHESON                                 
                    AAAHHHHH!!! ARGH!!! YOU SHOT ME! I'VE
                    NEVER BEEN SHOT! HELP! HELP!
                    AAAAAHHHHH!!!
          
          Saul turns to see Dale lying face down.
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          Ted and Carol talk as Budlofsky and the thugs silently          
          stands by. Ted is holding a large hunting knife.                
          
                                  TED
                    Has anyone seen my bigger knife?                      
                           (beat)                                         
                    Do you guys hear that?                                
          
          SUDDENLY, there is an EXPLOSION and a hole is blown in          
          the barn wall. Budlofsky is blasted back and badly torn         
          up.                                                             
          
                                   BUDLOFSKY                              
                    Arg...                                                
          
          Asian assassins start pouring into the barn. One of them        
          sees the wounded Budlofsky and blasts him away with a           
          machine gun.                                                    
          
                                   TED                                    
                    BUDLOFSKY!!!                                          
          
                                 ASIAN ASSASSIN 1                         
                           (subtitled in Korean)
                    WAR IS UPON YOU!!!                                    
          
          RATA-TAT-TAT!!! Everyone opens fire!                            
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Matheson moans and groans behind Saul, who is staring at        
          Dale's motionless body. Horrified, he flips Dale over...
          
          He's alive! The top of his left ear has been blown off!         
          
                                                                101
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dale? You're alive!
          
                                 DALE
                    What happened?
          
          Saul analyzes Dale's wound.
          
                                 SAUL
                    They got your ear.
          
          Behind Saul, Matheson tries to stand up, but immediately     
          falls back down.
          
                                 DALE
                           (difficulty hearing)
                    My what?
          
                                 SAUL
                    Here. Get up.
          
          Saul helps Dale stand up, freeing his hands. Dale feels
          his ear.
          
                                 DALE
                           (in pain)
                    AAHHHH!!! MY EAR!!!
          
          Dale turns to the injured Matheson.                          
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    YOU KILLED MY EAR!!!
          
                                 MATHESON                              
                           (to Saul)
                    You shot me..                                      
          
                                 SAUL
                           (to Matheson)                               
                    Well, you kneed my balls!
          
                                 DALE
                    You shot him?
          
          Dale notices Saul is holding a gun.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Whoa.
          
          
          Dale turns to Matheson, who has stopped moving.              
          
                                                                  102
          
          
          
                                   DALE (CONT'D)
                      Uh...stay there.
          
          They walk out the door and cautiously enter the forest of
          weed.
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          The Asians riddle the barn with bullets as they scream at      
          Ted and his men in Korean. The remaining thugs scamper         
          about, returning fire to the Asians. Ted and Carol hide        
          behind a vehicle.                                              
          
                                   CAROL
                      On three.                                          
          
          Ted nods.                                                      
          
                                   CAROL (CONT'D)                        
                      One, two, three!                                   
          
          Carol and Ted pop up and unload their guns, hitting            
          several of their assailants. They watch in horror as           
          several more creep in through the hole the Escalade made.      
          
                                   CAROL (CONT'D)                        
                      You go down. I'll take care of this.               
          
          Ted nods as Carol steps out from behind her cover and          
          nails several assassins.                                       
          
          RAT-A-TAT-TAT!!! Carol is shot several times in the            
          chest! She lurches backwards, but does not fall. Her           
          bullet proof vest has taken the bullets.                       
          
                                   CAROL (CONT'D)                        
                      ARGGG!!!                                           
          
          Carol continues firing and kills another attacker as Ted       
          runs for the trap door.                                        
          
          
          INT. GIANT UNDERGROUND GROW ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Dale and Saul slowly make their way through the dense
          marijuana foliage.
          
                                   SAUL
                      Look at all this fucking weed, man. Where
                      the hell are we? Is this some underground
                      weed city we don't know about?
          
                                                                   103
          
          
          
          Saul suddenly GRABS Dale and pulls him down.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                           (whispering)
                    What's that noise?
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)
                    I don't know! That guy just blew half my
                    fucking ear off!
          
                                 SAUL
                           (pointing across the room)
                    There's some dudes in here. I saw them                
                    when I got dragged down. And there's some             
                    kind of super-suit or something.                      
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Were they armed?                                      
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                           (whispering)                                   
                    I don't think so.                                     
          
          BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Dale and Saul both scramble along a row       
          of weed planets as bullets ricochet all around them. They       
          continue running and then stop.                                 
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    I can't hear them.                                    
          
          Saul spots an air vent in the middle of the room.               
          
                                 SAUL
                    You could boost me up! We'll sneak out.               
          
          BLAM! BLAM! They are being shot at again.                       
          
                                  DALE                                    
                    Shoot back!                                           
          
                                  SAUL                                    
                    Really?                                               
          
                                  DALE                                    
                    YES!                                                  
          
          Saul hesitantly takes aim and pulls the trigger. BLAM!          
          BLAM! BLAM!                                                     
          
                                  DALE (CONT'D)                           
                    Now run!                                              
          
                                                                   104
          
          
          
          They run and turn several corners when Saul suddenly            
          trips over a dead thug.                                         
          
                     SAUL                             DALE                
          AH!!!                         WHOA!!!                           
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                    Nice. You got him.                                    
          
          Dale picks up the thug's machine gun. Suddenly, a thug          
          appears behind Saul.                                            
          
                                 THUG 7                                   
                    Lance? Holy fuck! You sons-of-                        
          
          Dale shoots right over Saul's shoulder and nails the thug       
          several times.                                                  
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Holy shit. I killed him.                              
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    About time you killed somebody. You're                
                    the one whose supposed to be saving me,               
                    and I`ve killed two bad guys already.                 
          
          Saul looks to the vent in the middle of the room. Dale          
          looks at the pipe, sizes up Saul and himself, and takes a       
          deep breath.                                                    
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    You'll never be able to pull me up, but               
                    I'll boost you up there and you just                  
                    fucking run for it, man.                              
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    What? No fucking way, Dale. What about                
                    you?                                                  
          
          Dale cocks his gun.                                             
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Don't worry about me.                                 
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Whoa. That was awesome.                               
          
          Saul tucks the gun in his belt and awkwardly climbs atop        
          Dale's shoulders and tears the vent off.                        
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)                            
                    You're a good man, Dale Denton.                       
          
                                                                105
          
          
          
          Saul lifts himself in. SUDDENLY, Dale sees Ted enter the     
          room and immediately go for his gun.                         
          
                                   DALE                                
                    Hold on!
          
                                   SAUL
                    Wha-
          
          Dale walks out from under Saul, raises his gun, and          
          unloads - RATA-TAT-TAT!!! Ted ducks as the plants around     
          him are torn asunder. Dale runs out of ammo.                 
          
          BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Ted shoots at Saul, who narrowly avoids    
          the gunfire as he pulls himself into the vent. Ted           
          redirects his attention to Dale, who is running through
          the bushes. Ted blasts off a few shots before Dale
          vanishes into the foliage.
          
                                   TED
                    Denton!!!                                          
          
          
          INT. VENT - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul wiggles his way through the vent. He turns a corner
          and-
          
                                   SAUL
                    AHHH!!!
          
          There is a skeleton wedged in the vent. A grate leading
          out is directly above the corpse. Saul squeamishly crawls
          over the skeleton.
          
                                 SAUL (CONT'D)
                    Ew. Gross, man. A fuckin' dead guy.
          
          He spots dog tags around it's neck as he crawls by. They
          read: Private Greg B. Miller.
          
          
          EXT. OPEN FIELD - CONTINUOUS
          
          Thirty feet from the barn there is an air vent sticking
          out of the ground. The top flies off and Saul emerges. He
          flops onto the ground, then immediately scampers to his
          and pulls out his gun. Saul looks to the open road to
          freedom, then back at the barn.
          
                                   SAUL
                    Fuck...
          
                                                                106
          
          
          
          
          INT. GIANT UNDERGROUND GROW ROOM - CONTINUOUS
          
          Dale frantically runs through the rows of plants, when       
          SUDDENLY he sees the strange scuba suit out of the corner    
          of his eye and swings his gun at it, nearly opening fire.    
          
                                 DALE                                  
                           (whispering)                                
                    Oh god.                                            
          
          Dale slows down to catch his breath, staring at the          
          strange scuba suit. Then, he gets an idea.                   
          
          ANGLE ON: Ted, quietly walking through the room              
          
          Ted raises his gun as he spins around a corner.              
          
                                 TED                                   
                    Where are you, you son-of-a-bitch?                 
          
          Ted turns another corner and sees the strange scuba suit.    
          He starts to walk past it, when he stops himself. He         
          creeps back and looks at it, suspicious. He walks closer,    
          breathing as quietly as he can, his gun clenched tightly.    
          He slowly reaches his hand out to lift the face-hatch. He    
          gently takes hold of the latch and is about to open it,      
          when-                                                        
          
          Dale jumps out from behind him and swings a FIRE             
          EXTINGUISHER at Ted's face - SLAM!!! Ted drops his gun as    
          he falls to the floor.                                       
          
                                   DALE                                
                    Ha!                                                
          
          Ted leaps upwards and uppercuts Dale hard!!!                 

          
          
          EXT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul inches towards the barn, hearing a melee of gunfire     
          and screams as he nears it. He cautiously peers in and       
          watches as Carol shoots an assassin in the chest then        
          spins around and shoots at another assassin who              
          desperately runs with a METAL BRIEFCASE handcuffed to his    
          wrist. Carol hits him several times; he lurches over and     
          falls through the trap door. She smiles and drops her
          empty gun.                                                   
          
          Saul watches Carol as she heads towards the trap door. He
          takes a deep breath and CHARGES into the barn, unleashing    
          a barrage of bullets at her! BLAM BLAM BLAM! CLICK.
          
                                                                   107
          
          
          CLICK. CLICK. None of the bullets hit her. She turns and
          sees Saul, who drops his empty gun.
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Fuck tha po-lice.
          
          They both SCREAM in rage and CHARGE, fists flying as they
          collide. Carol whips Saul around by his collar and hurls        
          him to the ground. She runs up and kicks him in the gut,        
          time and time again.                                            
          
                                 CAROL                                    
                    I'm a fucking cop, you moron.                         
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!                                
          
          Saul leaps to his feet and PUNCHES Carol in the face. He        
          PUNCHES her again. She reaches for her mace, so Saul            
          kicks her in the groin and grabs it for himself, then           
          sprays her in the face.                                         
          
          SLAM! He punches her in the face.                               
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS                          
          
          Ted and Dale are squared off. Both are bloody lipped and        
          bruised. Dale continuously shucks and jives on the spot         
          as they talk.                                                   
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    You can't fucking take me. I'm young.                 
                    Virile. Prime of my life. You're old. Old             
                    and dying.                                            
          
                                 TED                                      
                    I don't know who you are, Denton, or why              
                    you're trying to ruin my life, but you're             
                    fuckin' dead!                                         
          
          Ted rips off his shirt, revealing dozens of fearsome            
          tattoos and scars. Dale quickly picks a grow light up off       
          the ground. Ted does the same. The humming of the grow          
          lights is heard as the two men walk in a circle, squared        
          off.                                                            
          
          
          
                  TED (CONT'D)                      DALE                  
          AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!              AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!                  
          
          They both swing and their grow lights collide, sending          
          shards of glass everywhere.                                     
          
                                                                  108
          
          
          Both receive several small cuts. The immediately charge        
          at each other and are soon grappling on the ground.            
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS                                         
          
          Carol writhes on the ground as Saul runs towards her with      
          a plank of wood. SMASH! He shatters it over her head.          
          Carol drops, unconscious.                                      
          
          Saul drops to his knees, exhausted.                            
          
                                 SAUL                                    
                    Crazy  huff   huff , psycho bitch...                 
          
                                   MATHESON (O.S.)                       
                    Hey Saul!                                            
          
          Saul turns around to see Matheson clutching his bleeding       
          gut with one hand and a loaded gun with the other.             
          
                                 MATHESON (CONT'D)                       
                    I owe you one. In the gut. Then the                  
                    balls, and then the-                                 
          
          CRASH!!! Red's car SMASHES through the side of the barn        
          and SLAMS into Matheson, PULVERIZING him!!!                    
          
          It lurches to a stop directly ON TOP OF THE HATCH leading      
          underground. Red steps out of the car.                         
          
                                 RED                                     
                           (to Matheson's corpse)                        
                    You just got killed by a Ford Fiesta                 
                    motherfucker!!! How you like me now!?!               
          
                                   SAUL                                  
                    R...Red?                                             
          
                                 RED                                     
                    Saul! `sup! Dude, me and that Dale guy               
                    are rescuing you. And getting revenge on             
                    those whose shot us in the gut.                      
          
          BLAM! Red gets shot in the gut and drops!                      
          
                                   SAUL                                  
                    RED!!!                                               
          
          Saul spins around to see Carol standing behind him, a          
          machine gun aimed.                                             
          
                                   SAUL (CONT'D)                         
                    Oh no...                                             
          
                                                                  109
          
          
          
                                   CAROL                                 
                    Oh yeah!                                             
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
          
          Ted and Dale grapple violently on the ground. His gut          
          jiggles as he lunges forwards, punching Dale in the
          throat! Dale falls to his knees, gasping for air. Ted
          kicks him in the head and picks up his GUN.
          
          ANGLE ON: AN ASIAN ASSASSIN                                    
          
          Barely alive, the Asian Assassin with the briefcase drags      
          himself down the corridor and enters the grow room. He         
          opens the briefcase and we see that it is a bomb. The          
          assassin inserts a key.                                        
          
          Ted stands over Dale, aims the gun to his head, and-
          
          KA-BOOM!!! THE BRIEFCASE EXPLODES!!!. Flames sweep over        
          the room as Dale rolls for cover. Ted gets blasted back.
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          Saul tries to be brave as Carol takes final aim.               
          
                                 CAROL                                   
                    Now prepare to eat shit and die-                     
          
          KABOOM!!! The explosion BURSTS UP from the hatch with          
          incredible force. Saul and Carol get blown back as Red's       
          Ford Fiesta is sent flying up in the air. The flaming car      
          lands DIRECTLY on Carol and explodes. The entire barn is       
          now engulfed in flames.                                        
          
          
          INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
          
          The air thick with weed smoke, Dale slowly rises to his
          feet. He sees Ted slumped against the wall, dead,
          partially aflame. Dale walks over to Ted's body and takes      
          the gun out of his hand.                                       
          
                                 DALE
                    Sorry, Ted...                                        
          
          He pulls a small BLUE ENVELOPE out of his pocket and
          drops it on Ted.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    ...but you've been served.
          
                                                                   110
          
          
          
          Dale turns to see the exit blocked by a wall of fire. The       
          air is thick with smoke and he can barely breath. Dale          
          looks around desperately. He spots the FIRE EXTINGUISHER.       
          He looks at the flames. He takes a deep breath, picks up        
          the fire extinguisher, hurls it with all his might at the       
          fire, and then quickly whips out his gun and shoots at          
          it!                                                             
          
          BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He hits the extinguisher and it               
          explodes, blasting out the fire in the hallway towards          
          the barn. Dale runs like hell.                                  
          
          As he bolts down the hallway, the flames rush back in and       
          chase after him.                                                
          
          
          INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
          
          The barn starts to buckle, when Dale suddenly leaps out         
          of the trap door, flames licking his heels. Coughing
          profusely, Dale stands in the barn, then realizes his           
          pants are on fire.                                              
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Aaaahhhh!!!                     
          
          Dale wriggles out of his pants and kicks them away.             
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                            
                    Ow. Ah. Ow. Okay... cough   cough                     
          
          He starts to walk out of the barn when he suddenly trips        
          over someone.                                                   
          
                                   DALE (CONT'D)                          
                    Saul!
          
          He grabs one of the unconscious Saul's feet and starts to       
          drag him out of the barn. Just a they exit, the barn            
          COLLAPSES in on itself, crumbling into a massive heap of        
          burning wood. Dale pulls Saul onto the grass. Saul starts
          coughing.
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    Saul!  Cough   Cough  You're okay!
          
                                 SAUL
                           (confused)
                     Cough   Cough  What the fuck happened?
          
                                 DALE
                    We... Cough ...we did it. We beat them.
                    We won.
          
                                                                   111
          
          
          
                                 SAUL
                    No fucking way. Seriously?
                           (pointing at the fire)
                    How did that happen?
          
                                 DALE
                    I have absolutely no idea.
          
                                 SAUL
                    They were fighting Asian dudes, man.                  
          
                                 DALE
                    Asian dudes? So, okay...maybe this is                 
                    revenge for that Asian dude I saw Ted                 
                    kill.                                                 
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    So we're, like, in a drug war. That's                 
                    cool.                                                 
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    What's cool is that you came back for me              
                    man. You did, right? You weren't just                 
                    captured again, were you?                             
          
                                 SAUL                                     
                    Hell no! I was scott-free. But how the                
                    hell was I going to leave you there after             
                    you came to save me? Fuck that.                       
          
          They take a few deep breathes and each cough a bunch.
          Suddenly, they see something moving in the rubble. RED          
          emerges, lightly crisped with his clothes on fire. He           
          roles around in the dirt trying to put himself out.             
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. Light me on             
                    fire? Kill my Fiesta? Fuckers.                        
          
                                 DALE                                     
                    Red? You okay?                                        
          
          Red pats out the flames and stands up, all charred and          
          covered in dirt.                                                
          
                                 RED                                      
                    Fuck yeah, I'm fine. I'm Red. You're                  
                    makin' me feel like a broken record. Now              
                    can we get the fuck out of this shit                  
                    hole.                                                 
          
          They all stand up. Red puts his arms around Dale and Saul       
          for support. They start to hobble towards the forest.           
          
                                                      112
          
          
          
                       SAUL                                  
          What should we do now? Can we go home?             
          
                       DALE
          I've gotta get downtown, try and win
          Angie back.
          
                        SAUL
          Tell her you cut off your ear for her,
          like that crazy artist.
                 (beat)                                      
          But, seriously dude, your joking right?            
          She'll never take you back, ever. Just             
          grow up and date a woman your own age.             
          
                       DALE
          Do you think we should have looked for
          the ear? They probably could've re-                
          attached it, eh? I mean, this ear thing
          kind of fucking sucks.
          
                       RED                                   
          Oh my god, they blew your ear off, man!            
          Fuck that's gross. Can you dudes switch            
          sides? I don't want to look at it.                 
          
                       SAUL
          Don't worry, man. Look at Evander
          Holyfield, he looks totally normal. And
          plus, I saw this thing on the Discovery
          Channel, they can actually grow ears,
          like, in a petri dish, or even on the
          side of a mouse. And you only need half
          of one. It'll be a fuckin' cinch.
          
                       DALE
          I just realized I've 100% lost my job by
          now. I haven't called in for days.
          
                       SAUL
          Who fuckin' cares? I thought you wanted
          to be a talk radio dude anyways? And,
          like, I never said anything, but you do
          have the voice. Like, when I didn't know
          what you did, I kind of thought you might
          have been doing cartoon voices, you know,
          like that Shrek shit, and that's why you
          wore a suit.
          
                       RED                                   
          You do have a good talk radio voice. I             
          love that shit, too. I...wait, say                 
          something again?                                   
          
                                                                  113
          
          
          
                                 DALE                                    
                    What? Why?                                           
          
                                 RED                                     
                    You're that dude whose always calling                
                    KSTAR about havin' two garbage days. I               
                    totally agree with you, man. I work out              
                    of my house, and it's, like, one of my               
                    main concerns, garbage pile up.                      
          
                                 DALE                                    
                    Saul, what're you going to do?                       
          
                                 SAUL                                    
                    Work at a bong shop.                                 
          
                                 RED                                     
                    I'm still selling weed. Fuck you guys.               
          
          They walk together in silence, delighted at their new
          prospects. After a brief moment, Saul suddenly seems
          afraid. He starts nervously looking back towards the
          barn.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Do you hear something?
          
          Dale motions at his wounded ear.
          
                                 DALE
                    All I hear is ringing.
          
                                 SAUL
                    Dude, I'm kind of freakin' out. Like...I
                    don't know...like, there might be someone
                    out there. I mean...how do we know we got
                    them all?
          
                                 RED                                     
                    What the fuck are you guys talkin' about?            
                    I don't hear shit.                                   
          
          Dale starts getting nervous, but tries to hide it.
          
                                 DALE
                    Well...the barn did collapse in a ball of
                    fire, and we probably each inhaled about
                    ten pounds of weed smoke, so...it's just,
                    you know-
          
          Dale suddenly looks over his shoulder, but sees nothing.
          
                                                                     114
          
          
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)
                    ...a little paranoia.
          
          Saul grabs Dale.
          
                                   SAUL
                             (whispering)
                    Stop!
          
          They freeze.                                                      
          
                                 RED                                        
                           (whispering)                                     
                    Are you guys fuckin' with me?                           
          
                                   DALE
                             (whispering)
                    What-
          
                      SAUL                               RED                
             (whispering)                      (whispering)                 
                                                                            
          Sshh!                             Sshh!                           
          
                                 DALE (CONT'D)                              
                           (whispering)
                    What is-
          
                                SAUL
                          (whispering)
                    Sshh! Can you hear that?
          
                                   DALE
                             (whispering)
                    What?
          
                                 RED                                        
                           (whispering)                                     
                    Oh fuck. I'm freakin' out.                              
          
                                 SAUL
                           (whispering)
                    Just listen.
          
          Dale listens intently.
          
                                 DALE
                           (whispering)
                    I literally only hear ringing.
          
          They stand in silence.
          
                                 RED                                        
                    Fuck this noise!                                        
                                                                  115
          
          
          
          Red pushes himself off Dale and Saul and run into the          
          darkness.                                                      
          
                                 DALE                                    
                    I'm following him.                                   
          
                                 SAUL
                    Wait! Me too!                                        
          
          With the barn's flaming remains the only light in sight,       
          Dale and Saul run off into the endless, dark country
          side. And as enchanting music fills the air, we humbly...
          
                                                     FADE TO BLACK.
          
                                THE END