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Semi-Pro Movie Script

Writer(s) : Scot Armstrong

Genres : Comedy

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                                   SEMI PRO


                                  Written by

                                Scot Armstrong



                                                           June 2006   

          

          FADE IN:

          EXT. THE STAPLES CENTER - PRESENT DAY

          We hear the faint sounds of a crowd cheering on Kobe Bryant.
          The real Bob Costas does narration.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          Before the NBA was the NBA, there
          was another basketball league in
          America...
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: This is real ABA footage. A series of
          great plays are made by ABA stars.

           BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          .From 1967 to 1976, there was the
          American Basketball Association. A
          maverick minor-league that would
          change the game forever. The ABA
          made the fast break FAST...
          Invented the three point shot...
          And introduced the world to
          something called the Slam Dunk
          Contest.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Dr. J launches from the foul line and
          dunks in the world's first dunk contest. David Thompson
          finishes an Alley Oop.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          Singer Pat Boone owned the Oakland
          Oaks. Wilt Chambelain coached the
          Conquistadors. I myself was the
          young voice of the St. Louis
          Spirits.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A young Bob Costas broadcasts from St.
          Louis, looking pretty sweet in side burns and a tweed jacket.

          BOB COSTAS (V.O.)
          Players like Dr. J, Ice-man George
          Gervin and Moses Malone were as
          entertaining as they come. But
          despite the league's flair,
          convincing fans to show up for
          games was often a struggle.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The infamous TV interview where Freddy
          Lewis wins a 'race horse.' Footage of 'Dime Beer Night.'
          Footage of the Kentucky Colonials fielding a cheerleader as
          one of their starting five.

          

          

          

          

          2.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0. )
          For owners, promotional ideas
          became an art form all to
          themselves.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The Miami Ball Girls dance in bikinis
          (In truth, some of the girls were still in high school).

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          One night, the Nets went as far as
          to give a free gerbil to it's first
          fifty fans... There were plenty of
          punches too, giving the National
          Hockey League a run for it's money.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A guy elbows Connie Hawkins, who turns
          and punches the guy in the face.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          Yes, the ABA had a style all it's
          own. The hair was big, the shorts
          were short and the ball was red,
          white and blue.
          DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Harry 'The fat Mexican guy' dances.

           BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          In 1976, rumors of a merger spread
          throughout the league. In the end,
          only four teams would join the NBA
          and survive.

          QUICK CUTS: THE PACERS. THE NUGGETS. THE NETS. THE SPURS.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          Teams like the Kentucky Colonels
          and the Virginia Squires would
          disappear forever. But their spirit
          still lives on to this day.

          EXT. A BASKETBALL STADIUM - 1976

          We hear a crowd going crazy.

          BOB COSTAS (V.0.)
          Here, we present the legend of the
          ABA... Exactly as it happened.
          Some FUNKY MUSIC plays.

          BOB COSTAS (V_O_)
          Except, this Flint Michigan team
          never existed.

          

          

          

          

          3.

          (BEAT)
          And, well, everything in this movie
          is completely fake.

          INT. AMIGO STADIUM - DAY


          TITLE CARD: ANAHEIM AMIGO STADIUM, 1976.
          CLOSE ON: A logo of a basketball with a sombrero on it.

          "LET'S GO AMIGOS!"
          Welcome to the American Basketball Association. A fan chugs
          his beer and throws some guacamole.
          The crowd screams and curses at MONIX, mid 40'S -- talented,
          but past his prime. (There are three leading characters in
          this movie. This is the old rock. Think Nolte in 48 hours.
          Cosner in Durham. Newman in Slap Shot).

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          The Amigos are up by one here.
          They'll need to find a way to stop
          Monix. He checks the clock,
          waits... And now drives the lane...
          MONIX suddenly takes a HUGE HIT, TOTALLY SLAMMED by a big
          asshole, PETRELLI. He flies into the crowd -- everyone
          erupts, screaming with glee.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Ooh, Monix gets taken out hard.
          Some tough love from Patrelli.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          WHAT!? Where's the foul on that?
          That was all ball.
          (covering mic, screaming)
          Jesus Christ Leonard! Let them play
          for once! This ain't fuckin'
          Greenpeace!

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Some might say that was a close
          call, but these referees have done
          a nice job tonight.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          'Oh please. These refs SUCK.
          Still stuck in the crowd. Monix struggles to get back on the
          court. The crowd shoves him around, twisting his ankle,
          slapping him. The crowd is nuts.

          

          

          

          

          4.

          DRUNK LADY
          Hey Monix, want a sip?
          Monix is confused, until the woman throws the beer in his
          face.

          DRUNK LADY
          (smart ass)
          Oops.
          She and her friends laugh. Monix says nothing. Instead, he
          holds his aching back and limps up to the foul line, annoyed.

          PATRELLI

          (SMILING)
          Sorry, Monix, I got pushed.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Well, it looks like the Amigos are
          in trouble here. Monix is a ninety
          percent shooter, if he can hit both
          of these free throws, it's over.
          Monix performs his ancient free throw ritual: Three dribbles
          and a quick spin of the ball. But he MISSES.

          DRUNK LADY

          HA. NICE SHOT MONIX! YOU FUCKIN'

          SUCK, MAN! YOU SUCK DONKEY DICK.
          Again, Monix ignores the drunk lady.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          They dodged a bullet there. But
          Monix still has one last chance to
          tie it up.
          Monix focuses on his ritual again.

          DRUNK LADY

          WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHOOT THE

          BALL YOU PUSSY!
          Monix aims at the basket, about to shoot, but then suddenly

          WHIPS THE BALL HARD AT THE LADY, PEGGING HER IN THE FACE.

          DRUNK LADY

          AHH!

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          (re: nailing the girl)
          And the second free throw sails
          wide.

          

          

          

          

          5.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          Yes! He just pegged a chick! That's
          the greatest thing I've ever seen.
          The lady runs on court and attacks Monix, her boyfriend jumps
          in -- Monix hits her boyfriend with some quick hockey
          punches. The benches clear, everyone is punching everybody.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          (re: violent fist fight)
          And we've got a little bit of
          pushing and shoving under the
          basket. What do you make of this,
          Lou?

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          I'm goin' in.
          Lou Redwood takes his headphones off, climbs over the
          announcer's table and jumps into the fight.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Alright then.

          (BEAT)
          More on this Amigo victory, right
          after this message from Colt 45.

          INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER

          Monix is beat up pretty bad. He dabs his cut with toilet
          paper.

          SCHNACK (O.S. )
          Want one?
          SCHNACK, the owner, carries a six pack of Schlitz.

          MONIX
          I'll take two.
          Schnack hands them over. Monix might speak, but he drinks
          instead.

          SCHNACK
          So, Monix. The trade went through.

          MONIX
          Really?

          (BEAT)
          For who?

          

          

          

          

          6.

          SCHNACK
          You know, you're not exactly a
          spring chicken anymore...

          MONIX
          Just tell me.

          SCHNACK
          That score board.
          ANGLE ON: Pieces of an old scoreboard are crammed into the
          back of the locker room.

          SCHNACK
          It's a Magnovox.

          (BEAT)
          Tell me: What the Hell did you want
          to get traded back to Flint for, of
          all places? Please tell me this
          isn't about Lynn.

          MONIX
          You still owe me $400.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - NIGHT

          A wide shot of the Flint Michigan skyline.

          TITLE CARD: FLINT, MICHIGAN

          ECU: AN OLD TV. A COMMERCIAL PLAYS:
          Super-cool CLARENCE WITHERS, 20's African-American, walks
          around a pet store. This guy is all flash. He spins a ball on
          his finger, but he's more Bootsy Collins than Dr. J.

          CLARENCE (V.0.)
          (on TV)
          Don't get all lonely on me people,
          get yourself a dog or a cat or some-
          - (studies a weird animal) Or a
          couple of these, from PET GALAXY.
          When I'm not dribbling between my
          legs or sinking jump shots, I'm
          buying animals. And if this isn't
          thebeststore in Flint Michigan
          (re:hisafro) I will shave this
          off.Nojoke. Make a fast break
          overtoPET GALAXY. And be sure to
          tell'emSugar Dunkerton sent you.

          

          

          

          

          7.
          With that, Clarence chest-passes the ball out of frame and
          smiles.

          INT. QUINCY'S BBQ - NIGHT

           WE PULL BACK to see the TV is on inside a restaurant,
          Quincy's BBQ.
           REVEAL: Clarence. The guy from the TV is also a waiter in
           this restaurant. He's taking an order from some customers.

          CUSTOMER
          Hey, wasn't that you just now,
          there on the TV?

          CLARENCE
          Yeah, so?

          CUSTOMER
          What are you waiting on us for, if
          you're a basketball star?

          CLARENCE
          Who the Hell areyou,the barbecue
          police? Tell youwhat,I've got the
          note pad, so I'llaskthe
          questions: Do youwanta baked
          potato with that?

          CUSTOMER
          The TV said your name was Sugar
          Dunkerton. How come your name-tag
          doesn't say that?

          CLARENCE
          'Cause I changed my name, that's
          why.

          CUSTOMER WOMAN
          (reading his name tag)
          Downtown Funky-Stuff Malone?

          CLARENCE
          You like it?

          CUSTOMER WOMAN
          I guess it's fine.

          CLARENCE
          It ain't fine.
          (as in smooth)
          It's fine...

          

          

          

          

          8
          A large woman, QUINCY -- Clarence's Mom -- yells from the
          kitchen.

          QUINCY

          HEY CLARENCE!

          CLARENCE

          DOWNTOWN!

          MS. QUINCY

          I NEVER NAMED NO SON OF MINE

          DOWNTOWN!

          CLARENCE

          THEN I CAN'T HEAR A GOD DAMN THING.

          MS. QUINCY

          IT'S SEVEN FORTY-FIVE, YOU BETTER

          GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.

          CLARENCE
          Shit.
          (to the customers)
          It's been a pleasure serving you.
          Clarence tosses his note pad on the table and his Mother
          tosses him his duffle bag.

          MS. QUINCY
          And don't think I didn't see those
          cotton briefs of yours in there.

          CLARENCE
          Stay outta my stuff!

          MS. QUINCY
          Don't you know our ancestors had to
          pick that cotton? Get yourself some
          silk underpants. Have some respect.

          CLARENCE
          Panties are silk. Briefs are
          cotton. I'm out of here.

          JACKIE MOON (O.S.)
          Ladies and gentleman, please
          rise...

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT

          Welcome to Flint Michigan Fairgrounds Coliseum, basketball's
          end of the world. This is more like a shitty airplane hanger
          than a stadium.

          

          

          

          

          9.

          JACKIE MOON (O.S. )
          .For the National Anthem... Of
          your Flint Michigan Tropics.

          MUSIC CUE: SOME SERIOUS DISCO BOOGIE

          INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS


          WE PAN SOME STILL PHOTOS OF JACKIE MOON IN THE LOBBY.
          PICTURE 1: The one-hit-wonder, Jackie moon is on an album
          cover, shirtless, petting a white leopard.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
          Baby, who wants to; love me sexy.
          baby, are you ready to; lick me
          sexy.
          PICTURE 2: Jackie Moon in Reno, singing with Pat Boone. He
          holds up his only hit single.
          PICTURE 3: Jackie is getting married to LUCY MOON. She's the
          hottest girl in the world.

           JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
           Take off your shoes and; suck me
           sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're;
          humping sexy--
          PICTURE 4: Jackie hands over a giant check, PURCHASING THE

          FLINT TROPICS.

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT

          Center court, we finally see JACKIE MOON. He sports a perm,
          lamb chop sideburns and black frame glasses. He continues to
          sing this song of his own creation...

          JACKIE MOON

          (SINGING)
          Oh yeah, Baby, who wants to; love
          me sexy. baby, are you ready to;
          lick me sexy.
          Jackie Moon is a sight to see. His one-hit-wonder is
          ridiculous. But you have to admit it's catchy.

          QUICK CUTS: THE RETARDED WORLD OF THE FLINT TROPICS:
          THE CROWD: Under 100 people are in the stands, but they're
          high energy. Lots of drinking and dancing.

          

          

          

          

          10.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0. )
          Take off your shoes and; suck me
          sexy.
          THE BALL GIRLS: They bounce around in shiny-funky hot pants --
          dancing cool, but not in sync. When it comes to ball girls,
          Flint delivers.
          THE TROPICAL AISLE: A rowdy bunch is decked out in Hawaiian
          shirts and packed in behind the visiter's bench, looking for
          trouble.
          THE SCOREBOARD: The Magnovox has been sold. The Tropics now
          do it by hand.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
          Baby, we're naked and we're;
          humping sexy...
          ANGLE ON DARREN AND JODY: Two kids in WHEEL CHAIRS are parked
          next to the hardwood, eating nachos and drinking giant cokes.

          OPPOSING PLAYER
          (to kids in wheel chairs)
          Hey there son, what's your name?

          WHEELCHAIR DARREN
          Fuck you, Mitchstien.

          WHEELCHAIR JODY
          Yeah. Throw any elbows tonight and
          we'll pound your fuckin' head into
          the floor.

          MUSIC CUE: 'TOO HOT TO HANDLE' BY HEATWAVE.
          With that, the lights go out, PITCH BLACK. A spot light drops
          on Jackie Moon.

          JACKIE MOON

          SO TELL ME FLINT, ARE WE HOT

          ENOUGH? WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT,

          LUSCIOUS, FLINT TROPICS ACTION?
          The crowd cheers, but not all that loud. Jackie looks off
          screen and nods off screen.
          BOBBY DEE works some sound effects, dialing up a knob that
          says CROWD NOISE. The speakers are blown, but they're loud.

          JACKIE MOON

          NOW, HERE'S THE STARTING LINE UP

          FOR YOUR FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS!

          

          

          

          

          11.

          (BEAT)
          At ball girl, measuring thirty
          four, twenty two, thirty six, MELIN-

          DAAAAAAA.
          MELINDA shakes her perfect measurements in the spotlight,
          then does a series of cartwheels.

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm living a dream, Flint and I
          know you are too.
          (Booming voice again)
          AT GUARD, from Peoria Illinois, six
          foot one -- this guy's single and
          he can cook lasagna, I've seen him
          do it -- TWIGGY -- MUNSONNNNNNN!
          Bobby Dee hits the disco ball as TWIGGY trots out.

          JACKIE MOON
          FROM SOUTH BEND INDIANA, the man
          with a heart of gold, his brother's
          a retard, six foot one, he drives
          down to visit all the time, at
          forward, he reads to him, BEE BEE

          ELLISSSSSSS!
          BEE BEE ELLIS does a cartwheel into a round off.

          JACKIE MOON
          YOUR MAN IN THE MIDDLE. Seven foot
          two, from the People's Republic of
          Uzbechistan, he's tall, he's
          sensitive -- loves candle light and
          long walks on the beach -- VAKIDIS

          ROSCOVENSKIIIIIIII!
          (Vakidis remains seated)
          Vakidis, that's you man, I called
          your name. (no response) VAKIDIS!
          C'mon dude, let's go, get it
          together.
          Players push the giant Vakidis out onto the court.

          JACKIE MOON
          Now this next guy, where do I
          start? First of all, that wife of
          his, she is... Wow.
          (gesturing re: her chest)
          CANONS, people. If you know what
          I'm saying. I don't think she's
          here tonight, but if she was you'd
          see what I'm talking about.

          

          

          

          

          12.
          He's a small forward, the luckiest
          man in Flint: SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-

          DAYYYYYYY!
          Scootsie Double Day 'pops n' locks' his way onto the court.

          JACKIE MOON
          AND FINALLY: The man you've been
          waiting for, six foot four, a
          solid, meaty, two hundred fifteen
          pounds, your pre-game announcer,
          your owner, your coach, your pop
          singing sensation, but most
          importantly, your POWER FORWARD...
          Yours truly... JACKIE M00000000N!!!
          Jackie takes off his blazer, twirls it, then tosses it off
          screen. It's game time.
          At center court, PLAYER/OWNER/COACH JACKIE huddles them up.

          JACKIE MOON
          Alright you guys, let's huddle up!
          (Vakidis is wandering)
          Vakidis! Where's he walking to?
          Kong, get Vakidis.
          A very short Asian man, KONG, nods. The uniform hangs on his
          tiny body.

          KONG
          You got it boss.

          JACKIE MOON
          (now huddled up)
          Let's put on a good show tonight,
          okay? Let's keep it in the air,
          keep shooting, look for the
          baseball pass, launch some early
          threes to set the tone. Bee Bee,
          try and do that no-look behind your
          back thing, I love that, okay? Now
          let's bring it in. One two three--

          EVERYONE

          (TOGETHER)

          LET'S GET TROPICAL!
          REVEAL: An orange cone sits over a puddle on the court.
          As the Tropics break the huddle, Jackie talks to the
          overweight FATHER PAT THE REF.

          

          

          

          

          13.

          JACKIE MOON
          (smart ass)
          Hey, you lose weight, Father Pat?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          Oh, fuck off. What's with the cone
          tonight Jackie?
          Jackie points up to a leak in the ceiling.

          JACKIE MOON
          For safety.
          Just then, Vakidis jogs over, SLIPPING HORRIBLY in the
          puddle, ripping his groin.

          BOBBY DEE (V.0. )
          (as P.A. Announcer)
          Okay Tropics fans, it's time to
          guess today's attendance... Is it
          A) 9,254. B) 10,506.. or C) 91
          TIP OFF: The Tropics gain possession.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
          Scootsie drops it in low to player-
          owner-coach Jackie Moon. Known best
          for his aggressive defense, leads
          the team in rebounds. He's an
          animal under the boards Lou.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          You're Damn right. He may not be
          black, but he can play basketball.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Now, look at this, Jackie waves the
          rest of his team away, looking for
          the isolation. These fans are in
          for a real treat.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          He looks to be setting up his 'Tear
          Drop from Hades.'

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Jackie is shooting thirty-nine
          percent from the field, but the
          crowd always loves to see him go
          for it.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          He's a true showman.

          

          

          

          

          14.
          Jackie dribbles hard to the hoop, tossing up a high arcing
          baby hook. AIRBALL.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
          Airball.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0. )
          Yep, a Polish swish.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Scootsie Double-Day gets the
          offensive rebound and Jackie calls
          for it again, trying to establish
          the low post early.
          Jackie holds the ball, preparing for another 'Tear Drop from
          Hades'... But now he suddenly gets distracted by something up
          in the stands.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into the stands)

          HEY! RAVI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

          DOING, MAN?
          IN THE STANDS: A Pakistani vendor, RAVI, IS POURING CHEESE ON

          SOME NACHOS.

          RAVI
          What?

          JACKIE MOON
          Enough with the cheese already.
          More chips, less cheese, how many
          times do I have to tell you?
          WHISTLE! Jackie's been walking with the ball. FATHER PAT THE
          REF wears a holy collar with pin strips over it.

          FATHER PAT THE. REF
          Traveling.

          JACKIE MOON
          Traveling!?... On who?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          On you.

          JACKIE MOON
          That's bullshit, Father Pat!
          Jackie, furious, SLAMS THE BALL down on the floor.

          

          

          

          

          15.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
          Jackie Moon. The most passionate
          man in sports.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE

          Some hot girls in shorts hold up a sign that says 'ALL STAR
          PARKING.' Ms. Quincy's BBQ delivery truck rips into the lot.
          Clarence skids to a stop.

          INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          The crowd looks off camera and suddenly erupts.
          CLARENCE enters out of the tunnel, he takes a bite of a
          Hershey bar, then gestures to the crowd, giving the
          international symbol for 'Let's get funky.'

          BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
          Ladies and gentleman, put your
          hands together for Downtown Funky-
          Stuff Malone!
          Clarence tosses the half eaten candy bar, wipes his hands off
          on his jersey and jogs right out onto the court during the
          game, TAGGING HIS TEAMMATE OUT as if it were pick up.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Downtown, wastes no time entering
          the game -- tagging out Vakidis
          Roscovenski.

          .CLAWS COACH
          (to the ref)
          C'mon Father Pat, he's got to check
          into the game doesn't he?
          The ref just shrugs. Downtown calls for the ball and gets it.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Downtown dribbles left, then right
          a little shake and bake through the
          legs -- double teamed now, he's got
          Twiggy Munson open under the
          basket. Downtown, still with the
          ball, dribbles behind his back,
          they triple him, he's got Munson
          and Ellis wide open under the hoop,
          but look at these moves!
          The entire other team leaves their men and guards Clarence
          five on one, but Clarence never passes. His four teammates
          watch from under the basket.

          

          

          

          

          16.
          Despite his selfish attitude, it's clear Clarence actually
          has some serious talent.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
          Downtown has all five guys on him --
          He sprints to the corner and forces
          up a fade away three... YES! Wow.
          You think this league's going
          bankrupt? Well, think again.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          People call him selfish. I call him
          the greatest show in shorts.

          INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME

          CLOSE ON: An old-timey photo of a man with a handle-bar
          moustache. It's been autographed by the inventor of
          basketball: 'Go Tropics! -James Naismith'
          The team enters the locker room happy, even though they're
          losing badly at half time.

          JACKIE MOON
          Yes! Nice first half guys! That's
          what I call Flint Tropic's
          basketball!

          (BEAT)
          I've been telling you all season,
          we're about to make a run. Flint
          Michigan is destined for greatness.
          (at the chalkboard)
          Twiggy, enough with the bounce
          passes, let's show some zip. Bee
          Bee, try not to get fouled so much,
          free throws take too long.
          Scootsie, what did I tell you about
          catching with two hands.? God gave
          you one hand for a reason: To look
          awesome.
          Jackie points to the chalkboard. Where one of his catchy
          slogans is spelled out.

          JACKIE MOON
          Let's stay focused on the four

          'D'S'
          (pointing to the board)
          Dangerous, Dangerous, Dangerous,
          Dunks. Remember: This isn't just a
          basketball team. It's a lifestyle.

          

          

          

          

          17.
          Everyone claps. Meanwhile, Clarence grabs a bunch of hair
          products and goes to work. But he notices something.

          CLARENCE
          Yo, Jackie, is the washing machine
          broken?
          ANGLE ON: A few workers are taking out the washing machine.

          JACKIE MOON
          Listen up guys: I've got some good
          news and I've got some bad news.
          The good news is, we're getting rid
          of that piece of shit washing
          machine. The bad news is, everyone
          does their laundry at home from now
          on. Towels too.
          Everyone complains. Boo etc. Jackie turns to BOBBY DEE a
          'front office' guy.

          JACKIE MOON
          And Bobby Dee, I need you to clean
          out your desk.

          BOBBY DEE
          No. I have kids.

          JACKIE MOON
          You're not fired. I sold your desk.

          BOBBY DEE
          Oh.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to the team)
          And I'm going to shed a few
          lockers, so everyone's getting a
          locker buddy.

          CLARENCE
          Forget that. I need my own
          locker... For the panty dropper.
          Clarence reveals his 'panty dropper' a brown full-length
          leather coat.

          JACKIE MOON
          Fine. Now, there's one last thing:
          I've added some depth to the
          roster. I think he could deliver
          some firepower.

          

          

          

          

          18.

          CLARENCE
          Firepower? Who'd you hire?

          JACKIE MOON
          At guard, six one, the hometown
          kid, from your very own Flint
          Michigan -- He punches in bunches
          Ed MONIXXXXXXXX!
          We hear a TOILET FLUSH. Monix exits the bathroom stall
          buttoning his pants.

          MONIX
          You're out of toilet paper.
          Monix doesn't receive a warm welcome. It's more of a stare-
          off.

          JACKIE MOON
          Okay, now, I know everyone in this
          room has probably been punched in
          the face by Monix at one time or
          another.
          (Scootsie fumes)
          One of you may have even had your
          collar bone broken, twice. But
          that's in the past now and-

          BOBBY DEE (O.S. )
          Yo, Jackie, you're on in two.

          JACKIE MOON
          Thanks Bobby.
          (almost to himself)
          I love half time.
          (abruptly to Monix)
          Anyways, welcome aboard.

          (LEAVING)
          One last thing: If you see a possum
          try and kill it.
          With that, Jackie leaves. Monix faces his team in silence.

          MONIX
          So. Who wants to be my locker
          buddy?

          INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE

          It's half time show. Jackie has pulled a lucky contestant
          from the audience.

          

          

          

          

          19.
          DUKES, the contestant, is shirtless with jeans, with a star-
          spangled bandana over a mullet. He plays with a ball a
          little.
          A giant five by ten check is propped up, with the words 'TEN
          THOUSAND DOLLARS' written in glitter.

          JACKIE MOON
          Ladies and Gentleman, this man is
          about to attempt the impossible.
          The $10,000 full court shot. So,
          tell me, what's your name?

          DUKES
          Dukes.

          JACKIE MOON
          Okay, Dukes. You feeling it?

          DUKES
          Yeah dude.

          JACKIE MOON
          What are you going to spend all of
          your money on if you win? A shirt?

          DUKES
          Yeah man, a shirt. Ha! Whoooo!

          JACKIE MOON
          Okay people, Dukes is excited.
          Let's get some clapping going as he
          prepares himself for the
          impossible.
          (leading the clapping)
          This is drama, folks! C'mon now,
          let's hear it! The $10,000 shot
          people, let's hear it!!!
          For the first time, Dukes looks kind of serious. He sizes up
          the distant hoop...

          JACKIE MOON
          (doing play by play)
          He looks ready... And... Here he
          goes!
          An uncoordinated baseball pass... Sailing off into the
          distance... And...

          SWISH!
          The crowd can't believe their eyes.

          

          

          

          

          20.

          JACKIE'S FACE TURNS GHOST WHITE.

          JACKIE MOON
          Shit.

          DUKES

          YES!!! HOLY SHIT DUDE!!! I'M A

          MIRACLE!!
          Jackie is freaking out. Dukes has just won $10,000! Dukes
          runs around court, shirtless, leaping in celebration.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to Father Pat the Ref)
          Did he step on the line?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          No, it was legal. He made it.

          JACKIE MOON
          Who the Hell has $10,000? I sure he
          stepped on the line, you know what
          I'm saying?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          (getting the hint)
          Listen to this crowd. You can't
          screw a kid over like that. People
          will kill you.
          He's right. The crowd is too hyped for Jackie to explain that
          he's broke.

          JACKIE MOON
          (accepting his fate)
          Fuck me.

          JACKIE HANDS DUKES THE GIANT CARDBOARD CHECK MADE OUT FOR

          $10,000, IN GLITTER.

          JACKIE MOON
          (pretending to be happy)

          CONGRATULATIONS DUKES! YOU JUST WON

          A GIANT CHECK THAT SAYS TEN

          THOUSAND DOLLARS!
          (faking it to the crowd)

          LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS THING!

          LET'S HEAR IT FOR DUKES!

          

          

          

          

          21.

          INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE

          A beautiful, down to earth woman, LYNN, 30's, is reading a
          book. In the background, her boyfriend, KYLE, is listening to
          the Tropics game on the RADIO.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Monix was an All-American at
          Michigan State, but then went on to
          a disappointing journeyman career
          in the NBA. But he did manage to
          sit on the bench with the world
          champion Boston Celtics years ago
          and won a ring.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0. )
          (on radio)
          I should hire his agent.
          Kyle listens to this and yells to the other room.

          KYLE
          Hey honey, guess who got traded to
          Flint?

          LYNN
          I don't know, who?

          KYLE
          Monix.
          The word Monix stops her in her tracks.

          LYNN
          Monix?

          KYLE
          Yeah! He's already got an NBA ring,
          but he's still playing... In Flint.
          Can you believe it?

          LYNN
          No, I can't.
          Lynn closes her book, fidgety...

          KYLE
          They say he asked to be traded. Who
          the Hell leaves California to come
          here? I love this guy.

          MUSIC CUE: THE BROTHERS JOHNSON 'GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.'

          

          

          

          

          22.

          EXT./INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - NIGHT

          Jackie cruises the streets of Flint in a pimped out Monte
          Carlo. He's got chrome rims and a gold grill. The interior is
          wall to wall carpeting. He swigs a beer as he turns.

          JACKIE MOON
          (singing with car stereo)
          Get the funk outta-of-my-face...
          A SIGN SAYS: THE KREMLIN. Jackie rolls up and parks in a
          reserved parking space. He rolls up the windows and locks the
          doors by hand and exits.

          REVEAL: JACKIE HAS GIANT ICE PACKS TAPED TO HIS KNEES,
          Patrick Ewing style, right over his slacks.
          A police officer drinks, in uniform, outside.

          COP
          What's up Jackie?

          JACKIE MOON
          Not much.

          COP
          (re: the big ice packs)
          Your knees okay?

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh yeah. Just icing them down.

          INT. THE KREMLIN - NIGHT

          'The Kremlin' is rocking. The beer is served in cans only.

          BALL GIRL MAGGIE (O.S.)
          Hey Jackie!

          JACKIE MOON
          Well look at you! You look
          beautiful. What's different?

          BALL GIRL MAGGIE
          I dyed my hair.

          JACKIE MOON
          No, that's not it... Did your tits
          get bigger?

          BALL GIRL MAGGIE
          No.

          

          

          

          

          23.

          JACKIE MOON
          Don't lie to me. Those things got
          bigger.

          BALL GIRL MAGGIE
          No, they're the same.

          JACKIE MOON
          Well, good job.
          Jackie keeps walking, bumping into MS. QUINCY, Clarence's
          mother.

          MS. QUINCY
          Yo Jackie. You know, that wife of
          yours has been making out with that
          Mark Spitz lookin' motherfucker all
          night.
          She gestures to a guy who's lip-locked with Jackie's wife.
          LUCY MOON unbuttons her fur coat.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh. It's okay, Lucy and I've got an
          open relationship.

          MS. QUINCY
          I know that. But he's about to suck
          on her Damn tits, right here in
          front of all these people.

          JACKIE MOON
          She's hot right? What can I say,
          we're freedom lovers.
          (calling off to his wife)
          Hey honey!
          Lucy Moon ignores him, only making out harder.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to his wife)
          Right on!
          (to Quincy)
          I'm not jealous. It's a sweet deal
          for both of us.

          MS. QUINCY
          Have you ever slept with another
          woman?

          JACKIE MOON
          I could. That's the beauty of it.
          No ball and chain here.

          

          

          

          

          24.
          I can just go for it. You know, if
          I ever get invited to some cool
          orgy, it's definitely not a problem
          at all.

          MS. QUINCY
          Have you ever been to an orgy?

          JACKIE MOON
          Pshh. Are you kidding? When haven't
          I been?

          INT. THE KREMLIN - AT A TABLE - MEANWHILE

          MONIX is hanging out with Bee Bee Ellis, Scootsie Double Day
          and Twiggy Munson. They all do a shot together.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          I heard Jackie is going to go to
          some owner's meeting. What do you
          think that's about?

          MONIX
          I don't know, but it can't be good.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Hey, let's see that championship
          ring, Monix.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Yeah, you promised we could see the
          ice.
          Monix takes the ring out. It hangs from his neck.

          MONIX
          Look at this piece. It says Celtics
          right there in diamonds.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Why don't you wear it on your
          finger?

          MONIX
          I don't know, I just like to wear
          it around my neck, that's all.
          NOW CLARENCE chimes in without looking over...

          CLARENCE
          Not everyone sits around dreaming
          of playing in the NBA, you know.

          

          

          

          

          25.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Maybe not. But you do.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Yeah, that's all you ever talk
          about.

          MONIX
          You're not jealous, are you
          Clarence?

          CLARENCE
          No one calls me Clarence.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          His name's Downtown.

          MONIX
          Okay Downtown. I'll make sure
          Downtown is only referred to as
          Downtown, okay Downtown?

          CLARENCE
          Don't think I don't know what
          you're doing. You're doing that
          thing where you pretend to mean
          what you say, but you don't.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Sarcasm.

          CLARENCE
          Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm
          smacked off your face?

          MONIX
          Bring it, funky stuff.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it
          again!

          CLARENCE
          (to Bee Bee)
          I got this, alright?
          Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence
          takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely.

          CLARENCE
          (in Monix's face)
          How'd you like a knuckle sandwich?

          

          

          

          

          26.

          MONIX
          Knuckle sandwich? Who says that?

          CLARENCE
          I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound
          you so hard, you're--
          MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye

          HOOK--

          CLARENCE

          WAIT!

          CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP

          LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL.

          CLARENCE
          (like a sissy)

          --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL

          OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL--

          BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY.

          BEE BEE ELLIS

          YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN

          TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT.
          One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts.

          GAYLE
          Excuse me boys. You mind, if I
          borrow your friend for a minute?

          INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE

          Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice
          packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS.

          JACKIE MOON
          (looking to the DJ)
          Hold on a second.

          MELINDA
          What's wrong?

          JACKIE MOON
          Where's the boogie?
          Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to DJ, over music)

          HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE?

          

          

          

          

          27.

          DJ

          I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR

          TIMES.

          JACKIE MOON

          GET UP.

          DJ

          NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS,

          JACKIE. I'M THE DJ.

          JACKIE MOON
          (taking over as DJ)

          NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK

          PATROL.
          SCREECH -- The music stops.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into the mic)
          The year was 1973. A young musician
          named Jackie Moon, finishes years
          of musical training, only to find
          he is a slave to the notes on the
          page. He knows it's time to break
          free. In a sudden fit of creative
          mastery, he grabs a pen and a
          napkin and writes a song that
          breaks all the rules. Ladies and
          gentleman... Let's get sweaty.
          MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
          (studio version)
          Baby, who wants to; love me sexy.
          baby, are you ready to; lick me
          sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck
          me sexy. Baby, we're naked and
          we're; humping sexy--

          INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT

          Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever.
          Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water
          bed, mirrors, etc.

          GAYLE
          I'm glad they traded for you, I got
          myself a cute one.

          MONIX
          So, this is the Daiquiri room?

          

          

          

          

          28.

          LUCY MOON (O.S. )
          That's right.
          REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the
          hottest girl in the world.

          LUCY MOON
          What do you think, Gayle? Does he
          like it with my boots on, or does
          he like my boots off?

          GAYLE
          He seems like a boots on kind of
          guy.

          LUCY MOON
          Then it looks like I'm ready. As
          soon as you slide these shorts off
          of me.

          MONIX
          Aren't you Jackie's wife?

          LUCY MOON
          He knows about the Daiquiri room.

          GAYLE
          It's a new tradition we're
          starting, when new players join.

          MONIX
          I see. Well, I'm going to have to
          pass. I'm good, thanks.

          LUCY MOON
          Honey, you don't know what good is.
          With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo--

          MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.'

          MONIX
          Listen um...
          (i.e. what's your name?)

          GAYLE
          My name is 'no strings attached.'

          LUCY MOON
          You can call me Mrs. Moon.
          Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer
          and closer to Monix.

          

          

          

          

          29.

          MONIX
          I don't think this is going to
          happen, Mrs. Moon.

          LUCY MOON
          It has to.

          GAYLE
          It's bad luck if you don't.

          MONIX
          Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to
          Flint Michigan.
          Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples.

          LUCY MOON
          (whip cream)
          Why don't you lick these clean for
          me?

          MONIX
          I can't eat dairy.
          Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS
          him. Monix pushes her away.

          MONIX
          Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go.
          Monix walks down the stairs.

          LUCY MOON
          (calling after him)
          I see what this is: You want us to
          send Eric and Marcus up here?
          On the way out, Monix flicks her off.

          INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT

          Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding
          on the door.

          EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT

          Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't
          notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it.

          LYNN
          Why are you here?

          

          

          

          

          30.

          MONIX
          I got traded.

          LYNN
          I mean, why are you here?

          MONIX
          Can we talk?

          KYLE (O.S.)
          --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha!
          Kyle has come out to say hi.

          MONIX
          Yeah. Sorry man--

          KYLE
          What's up! That of jump shot of
          yours ain't broke yet, is it?

          MONIX
          No. Ha.

          KYLE
          Great back door cut for the lay-up
          in the third. That's how basketball
          should be played.

          MONIX
          Kyle, can you give us a second? We
          need to talk.

          KYLE
          No problem. Great game tonight man.

          MONIX
          Why does your boyfriend like me so
          much?

          LYNN
          You're his favorite player.

          MONIX
          Look, there are still some things I
          think we need to talk about.

          LYNN
          I've already said everything I'm
          ever going to say to you.

          

          

          

          

          31.

          MONIX
          I see.

          (BEAT)
          Well, I guess I'll be leaving then.
          Monix walks away... Then turns back.

          MONIX
          You're really not going to stop me?

          LYNN
          No.
          Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks.

          LYNN
          You're going to end up walking with
          a cane the rest of your life. You
          have to quit.

          MONIX
          And do what?

          LYNN
          I don't know... Kill yourself, I
          guess.

          MONIX
          Kill myself?

          LYNN
          You act like there's nothing else
          in the world besides basketball. If
          that's how you really feel, then go
          ahead and get it over with. I'm
          going to sleep.

          MONIX
          Thanks for the pep. talk.

          LYNN
          No problem.

          MONIX
          Lynn.
          (she opens the door again)
          Can I ask you for one favor?

          LYNN
          You want a favor?

          MONIX
          My knee.

          

          

          

          

          32.

          LYNN
          Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m.
          Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs.

          MONIX
          No one here can drain it right.

          LYNN
          Fine.
          Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door.

          LYNN
          No. You're not coming in. We'll do
          it in the yard.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER

          Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries
          to build some confidence.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into the rear view, very

          CIVILIZED)
          Well, hello Commissioner -- Why
          sure, I would love one of your
          Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know
          I'm a legitimate owner, you don't
          have to tell me that -- We're
          merging with the NBA? Oh, that's
          nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one,
          Commish ...

          EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS

          A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign
          says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and
          parks. He looks in the mirror one last time.

          JACKIE MOON
          Your Mom would be proud of you
          today.

          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by
          far the youngest of the owners.

          

          

          

          

          33.

          COMMISH
          .I'm sure each of you have heard
          the rumors. And I'm here to tell
          you, the rumors are true. The ABA
          will be merging with the NBA at the
          end of this season.

          JACKIE MOON

          YES!!!
          (to an old guy)

          GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!!
          (fists to the ceiling)

          EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE

          GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD!

          COMMISH
          Our league is sold. And the NBA
          agreed to all of our financial
          demands!
          Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is,
          without question, the greatest moment of his life.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to himself)
          You're a real owner. You're in the

          NBA.

          COMMISH
          Four of our teams will be absorbed
          into the NBA family, the rest of
          you will terminate operations.

          JACKIE MOON
          Exactly! You know it!
          (now hearing)
          I'm sorry, wait, what?

          COMMISH
          The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs
          and the Pacers will play in the NBA
          next year. The rest of us will
          dissolve.

          JACKIE MOON
          Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How
          do I dissolve into the NBA?
          The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle
          Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          What's happening?

          

          

          

          

          34.

          COMMISH
          I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how.
          emotional you get. We waited until
          the very last second to tell you.
          Jackie pounds the table.

          JACKIE MOON
          No. NO! NO!!!
          He kicks over his chair...

          THE COMMISH
          We know you're upset, Jackie. But
          you'll be very well compensated.

          LOSING OWNER #1
          Everyone's agreed to a very large
          sum.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't want a sum! I want my team!
          (to the losing owners)
          C'mon you guys, you're not going to
          just sit here and take the money,
          are you?
          They are.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to winning owners)
          What do the Spurs have that we
          don't?

          THE COMMISH
          A huge fan base. A brand new
          stadium. A solid economic growth
          package, including strong tax
          incentives.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT!

          COMMISH
          The NBA is taking four teams,
          Jackie, there's nothing I can do.
          Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him.

          JACKIE MOON
          The best four teams should go.

          

          

          

          

          35.

          COMMISH
          What?

          JACKIE MOON
          Forget the huge fan base, the
          stadiums, the economic...
          (a little lost)
          Growing... package... inventions...

          WINNING OWNER #1
          (correcting him)
          Economic growth pack--

          JACKIE MOON

          I KNOW WHAT I SAID!
          (to the room)
          The four teams with the best
          records should merge.

          LOSING OWNER #2
          He's right.

          LOSING OWNER #1
          Yeah, that's the fairest way.

          COMMISH
          These four teams DO have the best
          records. Flint's only won six games
          all year!

          JACKIE MOON
          So far. The season isn't over.

          LOSING OWNER #2
          Yeah, maybe we should finish the
          season first.

          COMMISH
          This plan sounds like a lot of fun,
          but it's too late. The
          commissioner, me, has already
          decided.

          LOSING OWNER #2
          Actually, the terms of a merger can
          only be approved by a league
          mandate.

          JACKIE MOON
          YES. That's right. What he said.

          

          

          

          

          36.

          LOSING OWNER #1
          I move that we vote on the terms of
          the merger.

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY

          The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle
          bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting.

          JACKIE MOON
          C'mon you guys, let's try to stay
          psyched. This is a chance to become
          a real NBA franchise!

          CLARENCE
          There's no way we can make it to
          fourth place. It's mathematically
          impossible.

          JACKIE MOON
          I ran the numbers. All we have to
          do is win about eighty-two percent
          of our remaining games.

          CLARENCE
          Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a
          lot?

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start
          hitting our threes.
          (guys look around, unsure)
          Listen, I know this seems like bad
          news, but it doesn't have to be.
          This is a big road trip for us.
          We've just got to start playing
          solid Flint basketball.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          I don't know. We suck, man.

          JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE.

          JACKIE MOON
          (re: The slap)
          Sorry.

          JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER.

          JACKIE MOON
          We do not suck, okay? We just have
          to want it!

          

          

          

          

          37.
          Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          What do you think, Monix?
          All eyes turn on the grumpy one.

          MONIX
          I think we suck.

          JACKIE MOON
          Well... See, now there's some team
          unity! Now let's load up the jet.
          REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray-
          painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it.

          JACKIE MOON
          (as they load up)
          Now we've got a special treat. You
          know I take care of my family.
          Today, the Jet is catered. I had
          Downtown's Mom pack us some hot
          dish.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet!

          INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS

          The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone
          tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down.
          Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning
          Scootsie's back.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Ah, watch the hot dish, man.

          JACKIE MOON
          Sorry Scootsie.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Hey Jackie, there's some dude out
          there, wants to talk to you.
          POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot
          winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus.
          He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER

          Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check.

          

          

          

          

          38.

          DUKES
          I tried Jackie. They won't take it.
          They said it's 'symbolic.'

          JACKIE MOON
          What does symbolic mean?

          DUKES
          I don't know. But they said I need
          a real check.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know what your bank is
          talking about. That is a real
          check. I signed it myself.

          DUKES
          It's written in glitter, dude.
          Can't you just give me, like, a
          regular sized one?

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't get it. People are usually
          able to cash these. Maybe you
          should try another bank.
          (trying to wrap it up)
          If you run into any more trouble,
          let me know.

          DUKES
          Okay Jackie, thanks man.

          JACKIE MOON
          Any time, congratulations.
          Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the
          bus.

          MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN.

          EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY

          We're flying down the highway.

          INT. THE JET - DAY

          Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with
          Jackie to the radio...

          JACKIE MOON & KONG
          (singing Randy Newman)

          SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON...

          

          

          

          

          39.

          SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON...

          SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE
          Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef
          jerky, then yells out the window.

          JACKIE
          (out the window at a car)

          YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON

          TO LIVE...
          Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats.
          Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling.
          Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is
          sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are
          eating their hot dish.

          MONIX
          So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot
          dish' anyway?

          CLARENCE
          My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn
          meal, why you gotta go asking
          what's in it?

          MONIX
          It's a compliment. It's good.

          CLARENCE
          If it's good, then it's good. Why
          do you gotta know what's in it?
          What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in
          hot dish, asshole.
          BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Hey Monix, what were the Celtics
          like?

          MONIX
          They were fast.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Fast? No one's faster than me. I
          should be on the Celtics.

          MONIX
          (pointing to his mind)
          Fast up here.

          

          

          

          

          40.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          You're supposed to be Mr.
          Smartball. Why'd you get bounced?

          MONIX
          Well, you have to be able to jump
          too.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Hey, let us see that ring again.

          MONIX
          Not right now, okay Twiggy?

          CLARENCE
          Isn't it a little embarrassing
          wearing that thing everyday?

          MONIX
          Embarrassing?

          CLARENCE
          You call yourself a Celtic? You sat
          through every single playoff game.
          You didn't see action once. And now
          you walk around wearing the ice
          like you're Bill Russel. Well you
          ain't.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Oh, you're just jealous.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Yeah, Monix played solid minutes,
          for lots of teams. He's played in
          the NBA, that's more than you can
          say.

          CLARENCE
          Whatever. At least I never sat on
          the bench and then called myself a
          champion. You didn't do shit for
          that Celtic team. If I was Dave
          Cowens, I'd yank that ring right
          off your neck.
          That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got
          something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word.

          CLARENCE
          He doesn't wear it on his finger
          because he knows he didn't earn it.
          He didn't even play.

          

          

          

          

          41.
          Monix looks out the window.

          EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT

          'The Jet' is parked outside the arena.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          We're just a few minutes away from
          game one of the Tropic's 6 game
          road trip. With talk of an NBA
          merger hitting the league, there's
          a new electricity surrounding
          tonight's game...

          INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

          Jackie addresses his team before tip off.

          JACKIE MOON
          Alright. Now, a lot of people out
          there are writing us off. A lot
          people are saying things like
          'Jackie Moon is an offensive
          liability.' They're saying 'Flint's
          turnovers led to sixty fast break
          points per game.'
          (Making this up)
          They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded
          brother is so retarded that his
          eyes look too big,. Like a French
          Bulldog.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          No one said that, man.

          JACKIE MOON
          (trying to motivate)
          Yes they did. And we're going to
          use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS

          OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE

          THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW

          BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE-

          EVERYONE

          LET'S GET TROPICAL!

          MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK.
          GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two
          f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS
          TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul.

          

          

          

          

          42.

          JACKIE MOON
          OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge,
          Father Pat?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          Both feet weren't planted.

          JACKIE MOON

          OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER

          YOUR FAMILY.

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          That's it, you're out.

          JACKIE MOON
          What!? What did I say?
          Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up
          into the rafters.

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92.
          GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look
          pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY

          AH. MY COLLAR BONE!

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70.
          GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense.

          CLARENCE
          I ain't guarding my guy anymore.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Why not?

          CLARENCE
          He's too'Damn sweaty, man.
          (re: his wet uniform)
          Look at me.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him.
          Monix notices this discussion.

          MONIX
          Quit talking and play defense!
          The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top.

          

          

          

          

          44.
          GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot!
          Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence
          trails, in perfect position...

          CLARENCE
          Right on! I'm open baby! Try a
          behind-the-back!
          Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence
          isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits
          him in the nuts.

          CLARENCE
          Ah, shit.

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91.

          EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT

          Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to
          reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap
          place.

          INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

          Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone
          to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message
          for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet.
          He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his
          Championship ring necklace off.
          He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his
          duffle bag.

          CLARENCE (O.S.)
          I brought us some ice.
          Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night,
          enters.

          MONIX
          Ice? What for?

          CLARENCE
          I don't know, it's free.
          Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts
          crunching.

          CLARENCE
          Want some?

          

          

          

          

          45.

          MONIX
          No thanks.
          Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          That Root Beer machine took my
          fucking change, man. White people
          are assholes.
          Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE
          CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of
          beauty.
          Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops
          at 'Love American Style.'

          MONIX
          You turned off the Celtics?

          CLARENCE
          I don't watch people play
          basketball. They watch me.
          With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it.

          MONIX
          (re: the marijuana)
          What the Hell is that?

          CLARENCE
          (as he inhales)
          It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin.
          Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his
          face.
          JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's
          wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player
          who's sleeping in this tiny room.

          MONIX
          Why don't you shower in your room?

          JACKIE MOON
          My wife is using it. I'll be
          crashing with you guys tonight.

          (NOTICING)
          Ice? Awesome.
          (as he eats ice, re: TV)
          Love American Style? Turn it up.

          

          

          

          

          46.
          Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his
          eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES

          IT.

          MONIX
          Jackie, have you ever even slept
          with your wife?

          JACKIE MOON

          (LYING)
          What? Are you kidding? Try, like,
          every weekend. She's so hot.

          MONIX
          Sounds like a great arrangement.

          JACKIE MOON
          You guys need to wake up. Quit
          living like it's the 1950's, man.
          Live it up.
          (showing off)
          Hey Clarence, let's have some of
          that smoke, bro.

          MONIX
          I'm pretty sure we have a game
          tomorrow.

          JACKIE MOON
          (as he inhales)
          This stuff won't affect you. It's
          premium.
          Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He
          stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates.

          MONIX
          Well, if this is really going to be
          my life, I might as well be stoned
          like everyone else.

          JACKIE MOON
          Well said.
          Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he

          COUGHS LIKE CRAZY.

          MONIX
          What the Hell is this?

          CLARENCE
          What do you mean?

          

          

          

          

          47.

          MONIX
          It's harsh.

          CLARENCE
          Take that back.

          MONIX
          Take what back?

          JACKIE MOON
          His Mom grows it.

          CLARENCE
          Yeah, in the yard.

          MONIX
          Your Mom grew this?

          CLARENCE
          It's sweet grass.

          MONIX
          Well, I'm finished, thanks.

          CLARENCE
          What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't
          good enough for you?

          MONIX
          I guess not.

          JACKIE MOON
          C'mon man, have some respect for
          his Mom's weed.

          CLARENCE
          That's it, I ain't sleeping in the
          same bed as this motherfucker.

          INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT

          Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the
          lens.
          Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of
          television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager.

          AMIGO MANAGER
          You want all the fans to sit on one
          side of the stadium?

          

          

          

          

          48.

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah, just move all those people
          over to this side.

          (DEMONSTRATING)
          See, the TV cameras are going to
          face this way, right? Well, if we
          fill the seats on that side, we'll
          look sold out.

          AMIGO MANAGER
          Actually, that's not a bad idea.
          MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence
          now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words,
          there is barely space for a number. It's a mess.

          CLARENCE
          (re: Jersey, new name)
          Check it out. I sewed it on the
          bus.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          (struggling to read it)
          What's it say?

          CLARENCE
          Jumping Johnny Johnson.
          The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of
          the court.

          PETRELLI
          Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the
          needle point going?

          CLARENCE
          Kiss my ass, Petrelli.

          PETRELLI
          (re: the Jersey name)
          Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint
          sucks balls' wrong.

          (BEAT)
          This guy's the next Betsy Ross!
          Aren't you Clarence?
          The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate.

          MONIX
          No one calls him Clarence. His name

          IS--

          (BEAT)
          What's your name?

          

          

          

          

          49.

          CLARENCE
          Jumping Johnny Johnson.

          MONIX
          His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson.
          (nose to nose)
          You got that?
          Jackie hurries over.

          JACKIE MOON
          Alright, break it up.
          (to his team)
          Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS!
          OVER HERE. Where is he walking to?

          (BEAT)
          Fuck it. Listen up, we're on
          National TV tonight. And you all
          know what that means: The league
          needs a good clean game.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit.

          JACKIE MOON
          Hey! You guys want to merge or not?
          Because the fastest way to screw
          this up is to start punching people
          in the face while the commissioner
          is at home, watching the game with
          his kids... Children are very
          impressionable. Their minds are not
          yet soiled by the cruel realities
          of this world.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          What?

          JACKIE MOON
          No punching.
          Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT.
          Both teams turn to watch this strange thing.
          The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out,
          directing them across to the other side.

          JACKIE MOON

          THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT

          ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN

          ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT

          AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT.

          

          

          

          

          50.

          INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER

          The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look
          crowded. The game is in full swing.

          ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
          This sold out crowd is loving this
          one, the Amigos up by twenty-six
          here in the second.
          Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the
          guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the
          floor.

          MONIX
          That's a moving pick Father Pat!
          C'mon!

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          Play on.
          Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix.

          PETRELLI
          What's wrong Monix, cat got your
          'nads?
          Monix faces off.

          JACKIE MOON

          MONIX! NO!

          (POINTING)
          Not with the cameras.
          (miming the commish')
          He's watching.
          Monix looks around and thinks...

          MONIX
          What about commercials?

          JACKIE MOON
          What?

          MONIX
          Commercials, what about
          commercials?
          Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.'

          JACKIE MOON
          I like it. Time out Ref!

          

          

          

          

          51.

           ANNOUNCER (V.0. )
           A time out on the floor, 5:20 left
           before the half, the Amigos 45, the
          Tropics 19, we'll be right back
          after this message from Shasta.
          The camera's on air' red light turns off.

          CAMERA MAN
          (rooting them on)
          And... You're clear.

          JACKIE MOON

          SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!

          BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI.

          BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY.

          PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX.

          BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS.

          INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE

          The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A
          Shasta commercial is on TV.

           SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.)
          (on TV)
          I want a pop... I want a --
          Shasta...

          INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS


          MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR.

          A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG

          JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK,

          KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR.

          KONG
          Hi-Ya!

          MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES...

          CAMERA MAN
          And we're back in -5-
          (Monix punches Petrelli)

          -4-
          (Petrelli punches Monix)

          -3-
          (Monix punches Petrelli)

          

          

          

          

          52

          -2-
          (Monix ducks and punches)
          (cuing the announcers)

          AND WE'RE ON.

          THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS.

          ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND

          SMILES.

          ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
          Welcome back to the ABA game of the
          week...
          Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the
          bench.

          ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
          .The camaraderie and spirit of
          this league is on full display here
          tonight...
          Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's
          spleen.

          INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME

          Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the
          chalk board.

          JACKIE MOON
          Okay, solid first half guys, but
          we're going to have to make some

          ADJ--
          Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team,
          stepping in front of Jackie Moon.

          MONIX
          --This is bullshit guys. They're
          kicking our ass in basketball and
          they're kicking our ass during the
          commercials, too. Does anybody here
          understand the concept of the pick
          and roll? Because they're going to
          keep double teaming at the top of
          the key until somebody rotates the
          Damn ball...

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball.
          Monix looks at this group and gets even madder.

          

          

          

          

          53.

          MONIX
          Does anyone in this room have any
          pride? Don't you realize, this is
          thelast four weeks of basketball
          anyus are ever going to play?Is
          thishow we're really going togo
          out?You'd think we'd want toend
          ourcareers battling, hustling
          after every loose ball. Boxing out
          under the boards. Setting picks for
          our teammates. But we haven't done
          shit out there.
          Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads.

          MONIX
          We're a bunch of selfish assholes --
          And I've got news for you, we
          aren't going to finish in fourth,
          we're going to finish dead last.
          Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed.

          MONIX
          One day, you're going to look back
          on your life... And you're going to
          look back on this time... And
          you're going to realize...
          Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually
          listening...

          MONIX
          .You're going to realize you
          never even played basketball.
          A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the
          door.

          MONIX
          Now, you guys have fun out there in
          the second half. If anyone needs
          me, I'll be in the training room,
          draining my knee.
          Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          He's right.

          

          

          

          

          54.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Of course he's right. But what the
          Hell are we supposed to do about
          it? We don't even have plays.

          INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER

          We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking
          on the phone.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into phone)
          Dukes! I don't make the rules. If
          they can't cash it, maybe you'll
          have to go out of state.

          (BEAT)
          I would if I could, but if I give
          you another check, that would be
          two checks. That would be $20,000,
          not ten. What are you trying to
          pull here?
          (the other line rings)
          I've got to take this other call
          Dukes. Bye!--
          (hits a button, answering)
          Flint Tropics hot line... Oh hey
          Commish ...

          INT. FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS STADIUM - MOMENTS LATER

          On the floor, instead of a basketball court, the stadium
          holds an ice-rink. A 'Welcome to the Flint Ice Capades' sign
          is being removed.
          The entire basketball team is on their hands and knees
          ASSEMBLING THE HARD WOOD. This is a lot of work. Clarence
          hits his thumb with a hammer.

          CLARENCE
          Why do we have to put the court
          together?

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          I guess the Ice Capades sold out.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Yeah, kids love that stuff.
          Although, I find the wild-life
          masks realistic and frightening.

          CLARENCE
          Monix should be here helping us.

          

          

          

          

          55.

          JACKIE MOON (O.S. )
          Guys.
          The guys look up to find Jackie. He does not look happy.

          JACKIE MOON
          The commissioner just called.

          CLARENCE
          What's wrong?

          JACKIE MOON
          I looks like we've got ourselves a
          situation. We've got some new
          'terms and conditions' for this
          merger deal.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          What'd he say?

          JACKIE MOON
          Basically, we've got to average at
          least 2,000 fans per home game for
           the rest of the year.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          2,000 people? Every home game?

          JACKIE MOON
          He said the NBA will only take a
          franchise that has fans.

          CLARENCE
          Shit. Winning is going to be hard.
          But getting 2,000 people to watch
          is going to be impossible.

          JACKIE MOON
          Let's try and stay positive. My
          Mother always believed Flint was a
          town of destiny. And I believe
          that. Now, I've already started
          work on a huge idea to promote us.

          CLARENCE
          What kind of huge idea?

          INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY

          Jackie's place is empty. Monix is drinking alone, totally
          blasted in the middle of the day. He hangs his head, barely
          able to order.

          

          

          

          

          56.

          MONIX
          Two more Johnny Walkers. And
          another pack of Kools.

          BARTENDER
          You could use some fresh air,
          Monix. You want to take a nap in
          the back of my truck?

          MONIX

          (ANGRY)
          Just the drinks and the smokes,
          alright?

          (BEAT)
          Do you have any idea where Lynn is
          these days?

          BARTENDER
          She asked me to tell you to quit
          going to her house.

          MONIX
          Well, tell her that's just fine
          with me.

          BARTENDER
          Okay. Sorry man.

          CLARENCE (O.S. )
          Monix.
          REVEAL: Clarence.

          MONIX
          Well, well, well, look who it is.
          (to the bartender)
          Brian, I'd like you to meet Jumping
          Johnny Downtown Funky stuff Boner-
          time finger-blast Fag-erton.

          CLARENCE
          (to the bartender)
          Johnny for short.
          (to Brian, re: Monix)
          Two coffees.

          MONIX
          So, what brings you to the The
          Kremlin?

          CLARENCE
          Listen, I know you and I haven't
          always been the best of buddies.

          

          

          

          

          57.
          But I've been thinking about what
          you said the other night. This is
          gonna be our last chance. If I'm
          ever going to get into the NBA,
          it's going to be with the Tropics.

          MONIX
          I hate to break it to you,
          Clarence, but the Tropics will
          never play in the NBA.

          CLARENCE
          So maybe we won't. But like you
          said, I don't want to look back on
          this with any regrets. I know what
          you think of me. But I'm willing to
          put our differences aside. I'm
          telling you right now, I'll do
          whatever it takes to win.

          MONIX
          You mean, like, pass?

          CLARENCE
          (with a smile)
          I would consider passing, yes.

          MONIX
          Sorry kid. Even if I wanted to play
          harder, this knee won't let me.

          CLARENCE
          I'm not just talking about you
          playing point guard... I'm talking
          about you teaching us...
          Monix could not be less interested.

          CLARENCE
          Monix, you know more about
          basketball than any man who's ever
          set foot in Flint.
          Monix drinks, not into it...

          CLARENCE
          All I'm saying is, instead of
          getting so pissed off at us all the
          time, why not just show us what the
          Hell you're talking about? Coach us
          a little. I mean, we can't get any
          worse.

          

          

          

          

          58.

          MONIX
          And why should I give a shit about
          the Tropics?

          CLARENCE
          I know you. You've got all that
          basketball shit stored up in your
          head. I know you're dying to pass
          it down to somebody. Why not us?

          MONIX
          What about Jackie? He's the coach.

          CLARENCE
          Jackie's got his hands full, trying
          to sell tickets. He's obsessed.
          (looking up, re: TV)

          HEY! IT'S OUR VIDEO! TURN THE SOUND

          UP!

          ECU: THE TROPIC'S VIDEO ON TELEVISION.
          ON TV: The Tropics are performing a video not unlike 'The
          Super Bowl shuffle.' Each member takes a turn rapping,
          dancing around wooden palm trees with a smile.

          ALL THE TROPICS (V.0.)
          (rapping badly)
          We are the Tropics hooping crew,
          running and gunning and dunking on
          you -- But we're not here to talk
          no trash, we're just here to do the
          Tropical Mash --
          This is the worst video ever made. All the guys boogie around
          until Clarence steps forward, taking focus...

          CLARENCE (V.0.)
          (rapping badly)
          I'm Johnny Johnson and I got the
          moves -- If you try and stop me,
          I'll just get smooth --

          KONG (V.0.)
          (rapping badly)
          My name is Kong and I ain't five
          feet -- But I get more ass than a
          toilet seat --

          JACKIE MOON (V.O.)
          This is my team, so get to know
          them -- If you get near the lane
          I'll yank your scrotum --

          

          

          

          

          59.

          ALL THE TROPICS (V.0. )
          -- We are the Tropics hooping crew,
          running and gunning and dunking too
          -- We're not here to talk no trash,
          we're just here to do the Tropical
          Mash --
           The ball girls trot out and boogie with them.

           BALL GIRLS (V.0.)
           -- They're not here to talk no
          trash -- they're just here to do
          the Tropical Mash --

          CUT BACK TO:
          MONIX CAN'T BELIEVE HIS EYES. Either can the bartender. Monix
          ignores Clarence.

          MONIX
          (to the bartender)
          Two more Johnny Walkers.

          CLARENCE
          So that's the way it's going to be?
          Monix doesn't answer, he just drinks. Clarence gets the hint
          and walks out.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. MONIX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          Monix looks like shit, laying on the couch, as if he hasn't
          moved for days. Apparently he's been drinking and smoking,
          but not much else.
          KNOCK KNOCK. Someone's at the door.
          REVEAL: LYNN lets herself in.
          Monix is so depressed, he is non-plused.

          LYNN
          Looking good Monix.

          MONIX
          Thanks. You too.

          LYNN
          Ms. Quincy told me the Tropics
          asked you to coach them.

          

          

          

          

          60

          INT. MONIX'S BATHROOM - LATER


          ECU: A SHARP NEEDLE PIERCES FLESH.
          Lynn is draining Monix's knee. It looks painful.

          MONIX
          I know what it takes to be a real
          team, Lynn.

          LYNN
          (re: his knee)
          Stay still.

          (BEAT)
          And that's the reason you won't
          coach them?

          MONIX
          It doesn't matter. The truth is, I
          hate basketball right now.

          LYNN
          Do you really hate basketball? Or
          do you hate yourself?

          MONIX
          Why would I hate myself?

          LYNN
          Well, for one, you cheated on me.

          MONIX
          You hate me for that. Not me.
          Lynn just stares at him.

          MONIX
          Okay, maybe I hate myself a little.

          LYNN
          You don't wear the ring around your
          neck anymore.
          (no response)
          Where is it?

          MONIX
          I rode the bench through the
          playoffs, Lynn.

          LYNN
          Monix, that was greatest moment of
          your career. And you look back on
          it like some kind of embarrassment.

          

          

          

          

          61.

          MONIX
          Riding the bench was the greatest
          moment of my career?

          LYNN
          You did more than ride the bench,
          Monix.

          MONIX
          What else did I do?

          LYNN
          Every practice, you took your team
          to the limit. I know you did. I was
          the one draining this stupid knee
          of yours every night. The Celtics
          were practicing against you, Monix.
          And when you ran that scout team,
          you were running Milwaukee's
          offense better than their first
          stringers ever could.
          Lynn continues the business of disposing fluid into the
          toilet and preparing another syringe.

          LYNN
          By game time, your team knew where
          Milwaukee was going to be before
          their own players did. The Celtics
          made the right adjustments to win
          that series. And those adjustments
          came from you.

          MONIX
          So, I should be proud of running
          the scout team?

          LYNN
          Dave Cowens put that ring in the
          palm of your hand. And he told you
          to wear it with pride, because you
          were a champion. And he meant it
          too.

          MONIX
          He was being a nice guy. The bench
          is the bench.

          LYNN
          Your whole life, you've bitched
          about people playing selfish. It
          takes a team to win, right?

          

          

          

          

          62.

          MONIX
          That's right.

          LYNN
          But when you're on the team, your
          effort doesn't count? Is that it?

          (BEAT)
          If you weren't on the Celtics that
          year, would they have won it?

          MONIX
          Watch that needle.

          LYNN
          Answer me. Would they have won?

          MONIX
          I don't know.

          LYNN
          Yes you do. You know.
          Monix looks away for a moment.

          MONIX
          Why are you doing this? What does
          any of this matter, anyway?

          LYNN
          What's it matter? You're drinking
          yourself to death!

          (BEAT)
          God, I wish I hated you as much as
          you hate yourself!
          Lynn throws the needle. Monix dodges it.

          LYNN
          I made sacrifices! How many years
          did I support you? And finally,
          after all of our blood and sweat
          and bullshit together, you got
          there, Monix! You made it, you won
          an NBA championship ring. It wasn't
          just about you, okay? And I'm sick
          of you acting like you're some kind
          of joke. You didn't blow it. You're
          not a fraud. You're not a fake
          champion. And all the time we spent
          together, fighting for you to get
          to that moment, was not a waste!
          You're a champion, you asshole!

          (BEAT)

          

          

          

          

          63.
          But if you want to drink yourself
          to death, go ahead. Fuck you.
          With that, Lynn is gone. Monix stands alone in the bathroom,
          then checks his knee.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLISEUM - NEXT DAY

          It's practice. But this isn't basketball, it's DANCE
          PRACTICE. The entire team performs a complicated 'intro-
          dance.'

          JACKIE MOON

          (CHOREOGRAPHING)
          1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and turn like
           you mean it -- Bee Bee, Arch that
          back. Yes. Now, the waterfall...
          One by one, each dips down like a waterfall. And now a leg
          kick.

          JACKIE MOON
          Nice leg kick Kong. Those flexible
          hips are a coach's dream.

          (BEAT)
          Now big finish -- and freeze. And
          then we start the game after that.

          CLARENCE
          Are we going to practice or what?

          JACKIE MOON
          This is practice, okay Clarence? We
          need to get two thousand people in
          here! Our intro dance has to blow
          people's minds.
          He begins pacing around, more passionate than ever...

          JACKIE MOON
          From now on, I want our afros
          bigger... And shinier ... . I want
          our shorts shorter... And
          tighter... We're going to pull our
          tube socks up higher than we ever
          have before.
          The team seems to be looking off screen.

          JACKIE MOON
          What's wrong?

          

          

          

          

          64.
          REVEAL: Monix has been watching this whole thing. With Monix
          on the court, everyone feels kind of stupid.

          JACKIE MOON
          Hey, you're back! Listen, you
          should probably chalk your hands up
          for this number.

          CLARENCE
          Jackie, I asked Monix to coach us.

          JACKIE MOON
          Coach?
          Jackie is totally thrown by this. He looks around at the
          team. Clearly, a decision has been made.

          JACKIE MOON
          What do you mean, coach?
          (truly hurt)
          What is this? What's going on?
          (staring his team down)
          It's a Mutiny.

          CLARENCE
          Jackie. Don't be like that.

          JACKIE MOON
          Hold on a second. Last time I
          checked, we didn't live in Flint,
          Russia. We live in Flint, America.
          I'm coach until a new one is
          elected.

          CLARENCE
          Don't make us elect Monix, man.
          (Jackie Moon holds firm)
          Alright, show of hands. Who wants
          Monix to step in as player-coach?
          Everyone feels bad, but they all raise their hands.

          JACKIE MOON
          Please God No.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Sorry Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          (starting to cry)
          It's cool. I get it. I'm a big boy,
          I can handle it.

          

          

          

          

          65.
          Jackie cries harder.

          CLARENCE
          Don't take it so hard, Jackie.
          You're a great owner. We all know
          that.

          JACKIE MOON
          Woah. Hold on. Did you just say
          'great owner?'

          CLARENCE
          Yeah. Everyone thinks so.

          JACKIE MOON
          Now, when you said great owner,
          were you just saying that? Because
          it's not cool to mess with me about
          this.

          CLARENCE
          We mean it. For real. Monix is just
          more of an X's and O's kind of guy,
          that's all.
          Jackie is emotional. It's a bittersweet moment. He takes off
          his whistle, then walks over and hands Monix his whistle.

          JACKIE MOON
          (re: The whistle)
          Here. You may need this.
          Now he pulls out a bunch of crazy notes on loose paper
          written in ball point pen. The pages look insane.

          JACKIE MOON
          (handing him papers)
          And here are some ideas for plays
          I've jotted down. Just thoughts.

          MONIX
          Thanks Jackie.
          (to the team)
          The way I see it, any team in this
          league can put together a run. Most
          of our opponents are all flash. If
          we play unselfish, fundamental
          basketball, we can win games.

          JACKIE MOON
          I like it. Unselfish, guys.

          

          

          

          

          66.

          MONIX
          Yes. Unselfish. Unselfish meaning
          tough team defense, full and half
          court traps, boxing your man out to
          help the team rebound.

          (BEAT)
          Unselfish means sprinting up the
          floor on every fast break NOT
          because you can get a DUNK -- and
          get your DICK SUCKED after the game
          -- but because if you sprint up the
          floor you might pull the defense
          out of position and free a teammate
          up for a high percentage shot.

          JACKIE MOON
          Wait, so, what's going on with the
          blow jobs?

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          I vote we keep the blow jobs.

          JACKIE MOON
          (raising his hand)
          All in favor?
          Everyone raises their hands in favor of blow jobs.

          CLARENCE
          Would everyone let the man talk
          please?
          Clarence is serious. This shuts everyone up.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER

          The starters have gotten into position, guarded by the scout
          team, in blue jerseys.

          MONIX
          The most important work we do on
          the court is away from the
          basketball.
          Monix FLIPS OPEN A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE AND STABS THE BALL,
          deflating it. This gets everyone's attention.

          MONIX
          (re: deflated ball)
          Until you start moving like a real
          team, you practice without a ball.

          

          

          

          

          67.
          He flings the deflated ball into the bleachers and snaps the
          knife closed.

          MONIX
          Alright, Clarence, run the offense.

          CLARENCE
          I don't get it.

          MONIX
          Set a pick for somebody.
          Clarence jogs over and stands next a scout team opponent.

          MONIX
          Okay, that's kind of a pick, I
          guess. Try standing on the other
          side of Scootsie's man, so you free
          him up to cut into the lane.
          Monix corrects Clarence, moving his body the way he wants him
          to stand.

          MONIX
          Widen your stance. Plant your feet.
          Hands back. Like this. Now Scootsie
          GO. Set a pick for Jackie.
          Scootsie cuts across the lane. The team slowly gets i
          rotating faster.

          MONIX
          Now Jackie pick Bee Bee's man, and
          rotate to the rim like this...
          Everyone move to the open space.
          And Clarence you swing back out up
          top.
          They've completed the play. Monix stands there, smiling. The
          players look at each other, what's the big deal?

          MONIX
          You know what that was?

          CLARENCE
          What.

          MONIX
          A flash to the high side post with
          an outside screen and a back door
          cut. Let's do it again.

          

          

          

          
          Ei 8.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Hey, how come you don't have to run
          with us? You're a player, just like
          the rest of us.

          MONIX
          I'm saving my knee for the games.
          Coach's decision. NOW RUN.
          Clarence sets a screen for Scootsie and they perform the same
          basic rotation.

          MONIX
          (as they run)
          We're not just rotating, we're
          clearing out, making space. A pass
          and cut can change defensive match-
          ups. Creating seams can give us
          back door looks. Down screens can
          make a team vulnerable to
          penetration.

          JACKIE MOON
          Hold on. I'm lost.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          No shit. What's up with all of
          these fucked up words, man?

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Yeah, what are we, building some
          kind of basketball space. ship?

          MONIX
          You don't have to understand it
          yet. Just run it again. You heard
          me -- AGAIN.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - DAY - LATER

          It's many hours later...

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER

          The team is still doing the exact same thing. Nothing in
          their moves have changed at all. They're exhausted.

          CLARENCE
          We've been running this play for a
          long time, man.

          

          

          

          

          69.

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah, maybe we could try, like,
          play number two.

          MONIX
          No. We're running this play. We're
          running this play until we puke.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Basically, we have.

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah, I'm pretty beat.

          MONIX
          'Until we puke' is not a figure of
          speech. We are literally going to
          puke.

          JACKIE MOON
          What does he mean by 'literally?'

          CLARENCE
          I think he's talking about vomit.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Not cool.

          JACKIE MOON
          Monix, can I talk to you for .a
          second?

          MONIX
          No. No talking.

          JACKIE MOON
          Wait...

          MONIX

          GO!
          Jackie hangs his head, but then accepts his fate. He runs.

          MONIX
          (as they run)
          We need to get in shape fellas. And
          we need to learn some fundamentals
          quick. -- AGAIN!
          They run it again, getting more and more winded.

          

          

          

          

          -17 0 .

          MONIX
          I want you to be brain dead.
          Because someday you're going to be
          too tired, or too nervous to think -
          - AGAIN! And when you are, this is
          the play I'm going to call. The
          play that your lungs and legs will
          have memorized. We will be able to
          run this in our sleep.
          Clarence tries to gag himself with his fingers.

          MONIX
          HEY! No sticking your fingers down
          your throat, Clarence, I saw that.
          You're going to puke. And it's
          going to be all natural -- AGAIN!

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER

          We pan along a row of toilet stalls. Behind the doors, each
          player is throwing up...

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          JACKIE IS THE LAST PLAYER LEFT. He crawls across the gym
          floor, dying. Monix screams down at his deflated body.

          MONIX

          MOVE MOVE MOVE! FOURTH QUARTER NOW!

          FOURTH QUARTER!

          JACKIE MOON
          You're fired!

          MONIX
          Fuck you.

          JACKIE MOON
          Fuck you.

          MONIX
          Get up and run. You're going to
          puke like everybody else.

          JACKIE MOON
          Monix, I need to talk to you.

          MONIX
          We'll. talk after you puke. GO!

          

          

          

          

          71.
          Jackie can't get up, but he crawls, dying...

          JACKIE MOON
          I can't puke Monix!

          MONIX
          Yes you can. Go.
          Jackie crawls harder along the hardwood.

          JACKIE MOON
          Monix! You don't understand. I've
          never thrown up in my life.

          MONIX
          What are you talking about?

          JACKIE MOON
          I've never puked. Ever.

          MONIX
          That makes no sense. Everyone has
          thrown up before.

          JACKIE MOON
          I haven't. I swear to God. I can
          eat anything. I can drink anything.
          I've been sick, but I've never
          puked. I swear to God.

          MONIX
          That's bullshit. Keep moving,
          you're going to puke.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't puke. I can't do it! It's
          the truth! I swear on my Mother's
          grave.
          At this point, Monix can't help but be intrigued.

          MONIX
          What about when you were a baby?
          Babies throw up all the time.

          JACKIE MOON
          My Mom said I never did. I swear.
          She said I was fascinating.

          MONIX
          No way.

          

          

          

          

          72.

          JACKIE MOON
          You can call my Dad! I've never
          puked.
          When Jackie looks up at Monix, it's clear he is not lying.

          MONIX
          Isn't that kind of dangerous?

          JACKIE MOON
          What do you mean?

          MONIX
          What happens if you swallow poison?

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know. I ate bad sausage
          before. But nothing happened.

          MONIX
          Stand up.
          Jackie manages to stand up.

          MONIX
          Have you ever been punched in the
          Jejunum?

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know. What's a Jejunum?

          MONIX
          It's part of your small intestine.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know. I doubt--

          BOOM.

          MONIX'S POWERFUL FIST LIFTS JACKIE'S TORSO IN THE AIR.
          ECU: Monix's knowing fist digs deep under Jackie's rib cage.
          It's the hardest punch ever filmed.
          ON JACKIE'S REACTION: He stands, beyond pain, empty of any
          possible air. The blood leaves his face andhis eyesbecome
          confused, watering strangely.
          Part of Jackie's brain wants tospeak,buthe feelsunhuman--
          his lips separate only slightly.
          He wanders out of frame.

          

          

          

          

          73.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - LATER - DAY


          A SIDE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. JACKIE STUMBLES OUT INTO DAYLIGHT,

          INTO THE GRASS. HE PAUSES, THEN SUDDENLY STARTS RUNNING, BUT

          STOPS, CONFUSED, LIKE A WOUNDED GAZELLE...

          JACKIE STAGGERS FURTHER, USING A TREE TO KEEP HIS BALANCE AS

          HE STRUGGLES TO STAY CONSCIOUS.

          JACKIE IS ABOUT TO SPEAK, BUT HIS BODY LURCHES. HE HOLDS HIS

          RIB CAGE, SHOCKED. A SUDDEN FEELING OF FEAR SHOOTS THROUGH

          HIS BONES.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to the sky)
          Mom?

          WITH THAT, JACKIE PROJECTILE VOMITS. THE DISCHARGE IS BEYOND

          BELIEF. A LIFETIME'S WORTH OF TOXINS ARE LAUNCHED OVER A

          SHRUB. JACKIE WAILS IN DESPAIR.
          MONIX stands in the doorway, watching this.

          MONIX
          You okay?
          Jackie is about to speak, but then takes stock of his
          feelings. There is now an air of tranquility about him.
          Reborn. He's almost Euphoric...

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm beautiful.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT

          An intense game is underway. The Flint team works hard away
          from the ball. As the Monix voice over continues, we watch
          the team move just like in practice. Monix is playing too.
          Note: The team also looks 'hot.' Clarence plays with an even
          bigger afro. Jackie Moon sports a large perm, striped tube
          socks and the whitest thighs you've ever seen.

          MONIX (V.O.)
          .On offense, we share the ball.
          We look for the easy pass, not the
          spectacular pass...
          Jackie rolls off the pick and looks for it. For the first
          time in this sequence, we see the ball. Clarence has a clear
          passing lane -- He feeds Jackie for a lay up.

          

          

          

          

          74.

          MONIX (V.O.)
          . If a guy's more open than you
          are, he gets the ball...
          Instead of celebrating, Clarence hustles back on Defense. The
          Tropics execute a half court trap. As we watch Monix play, we
          continue to the voice over from practice...

          MONIX (V.0.)
          .On defense, we're going to learn
          to play together. We're going to
          use team traps to pressure people
          into turnovers.
          On the in bounds, Monix and Jackie Moon trap an opponent.
          Monix slaps the ball free. He flips to Clarence who fakes; the
          fast break dunk and dishes to Scootsie.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Can you believe that? Jumping
          Johnny Johnson actually passed the
          ball.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          It was a great pass, too.
          The other team calls time out.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.)
          And Jackie Moon has made several
          great defensive plays down the
          stretch. I tell you, Jackie's not
          afraid to knock people around in
          the lane. He's a monster.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          Like a retard in a China shop.
          A twenty-second time out on the floor, Monix huddles them up.

          MONIX
          (huddling up)
          Listen up. I'll in-bound. Clarence,
          protect the ball and penetrate if
          you can. Kick it out to Scootsie or
          me and everyone crash the boards
          hard. Looking good, we're thirty
          seconds away from taking this one
          home. Let's bring it in.

          JACKIE MOON
          He's right guys. But remember, we
          want to win, but not by too much.

          

          

          

          

          '75 .

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          We don't want to win by too much?

          MONIX
          What the Hell is he talking about?

          CLARENCE
          He's worried about the corn dogs.

          MONIX
          What?

          CLARENCE
          If we score a hundred points,
          everyone gets a free corn dog.
          There are signs everywhere.

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm sorry, Monix, but we don't even
          have corn dogs.

          MONIX
          I don't give a shit. We're taking
          it to them.

          JACKIE MOON
          We're up by seven, Monix. Can't we
          just take it easy? We're talking
          about a lot of corn dogs here.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          There could be a riot.

          MONIX
          I don't give a shit about the corn
          dogs, okay? We play hard every
          second. We're running the offense.
          Everyone got that?
          Everyone nods. WHISTLE!

          ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
          The Tropics are just one bucket
          away from the magic number. Listen
          to this crowd. They know what's at
          stake: A free corn dog.
          Monix has the ball in his hands. He in bounds to Clarence.
          Clarence penetrates and kicks it to Scootsie.
          Scootsie has an open look. He sizes up a jumper...

          

          

          

          

          76.

          FLYING IN LIKE THE WIND IS JACKIE MOON... JUMPING HIGHER THAN

          HE EVER HAS BEFORE IN HIS LIFE...

          REJECTED. SCOOTSIE'S SHOT IS BLOCKED.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Look at this, Jackie Moon has just
          blocked his own teammate's shot.
          I've never seen this before.

          THE BALL BOUNCES UNDER THE BASKET TO VAKIDIS, WHO SEEMS TO

          HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.

          JACKIE MOON

          VAKIDIS! NO!!!

          VAKIDIS TAKES THE BALL AND GOES FOR A DUNK --

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Vakidis takes it up strong to the
          basket...

          BAM! JACKIE MOON TACKLES VAKIDIS INTO THE STANDS.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Ooh. He gets taken out hard by the
          coach.

           LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          Nice!
           The ball bounces into the air, rolls around the rim... And

          DROPS IN.

           LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
           And the basket is... GOOD!

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE. TROPICS 100 PRO STARS 91.

          JACKIE MOON
          Shit.

          INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - LATER

          The daiquiri room is crowded with guys. JACKIE is having a
          team meeting.

          JACKIE MOON
          I asked you up to the Daiquiri
          room, because this is a private
          matter.
          (everyone looks around)
          As you know, I threw up recently.

          

          

          

          

          77.
          It was the first time in my life.
          And, well, it's made me feel... I
          guess you could say I've got a new
          clarity in life.
          (Everyone stares back)
          Since vomiting on Wednesday, I've
          been facing my demons. I'm not
          going to be an imposter any more.

          (BEAT)
           And I want you to know, I just
          mailed out 562 corn dog coupons.

          (BEAT)
          And I'd like to bring somebody
          special in... DUKES!
          Dukes walks in. He is still shirtless. Jackie hands him a
          duffel bag.

          JACKIE MOON
          In this bag, is ten thousand
          dollars.

          DUKES
          No way. Really?

          JACKIE MOON
          Actually, it's twenty three
          hundred. But I'm going to pay you
          the rest. The Tropics will not let
          you down. From now on, I want my
          conscience clear.

          DUKES
          Wow. Thanks Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          Can I confess something to
          everyone? It's something I've never
          told anybody.

          CLARENCE
          What is it?

          JACKIE MOON
          You know my song 'Love Me Sexy?'

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Everyone knows that song.

          JACKIE MOON
          I stole it.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          No.

          

          

          

          

          7 8

          JACKIE MOON
          It's true.
          (turns away, dramatic)
          My Mom wrote it. Three weeks before
          she died. And I stole it.
          Even Monix is fascinated by this.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Wait, your Mom wrote that? Was she
          a singer?

          JACKIE MOON
          No, she wrote it on a napkin. I
          duped the whole world. I'm nothing
          but a fraud.

          (BEAT)
          It's true, I'm a famous singer. And
          I've landed the hottest wife in the
          world. But, to be honest, we
          usually only sleep together once a
          year. On VJ day.

          CLARENCE
          Damn. VJ day? That's cold.

          JACKIE MOON
          (ignoring Kong)
          And even on that day, I don't feel
          like it's me who's sleeping with
          her.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          What does that mean?

          JACKIE MOON
          She married me because of my song,
          but I didn't write it. So sometimes
          I feel like it's not even me who's
          with her.
          (more emotional)
          Deep down, I feel like it's really
          my Mom who is making love to her.
          When I hold Lucy's supple breasts
          in my hands, they are my Mom's
          hands. When I eat a pair of edible
          panties off of her, they are my
          Mom's teeth.

          DUKES
          That's pretty weird.

          

          

          

          

          79.

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm living in a prison, Dukes.

          CLARENCE
          Why don't you write a song
          yourself? Then you wouldn't feel
          like a fake any more.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh please! I could never write
          anything as brilliant as 'Love Me
          Sexy!'
          (standing tall)
          Listen to me, Tropics. Today is a
          new day. I am going to be the
          greatest basketball owner you've
          ever seen. And we're going to make
          it to fourth place.
          MUSIC CUE: HOT CHOCOLATE 'EVERY 1's A WINNER.'
          MEGA-MONTAGE: THE TROPICAL FEVER SEQUENCE. (Note: The music
          fades in and out throughout as needed).
          -PRE GAME: The Tropics do their 'intro dance.' They perform
          the waterfall down into.a cool pose. The crowd loves it.
          -TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: They run a fast break weave, Monix makes
          the layup. Clarence penetrates and dishes to Jackie for a
          pull up jumper.
          -THE TROPICAL AISLE: Fat people in Hawaiian shirts go crazy.
          A lady chucks her nachos at the other team.
          -RESULTS: The scoreboard shows a Tropics win.
          -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 182 fans.
          -MORE INTRO EXCITEMENT: Jackie introduces his starting five.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into mic)
          And at guard, six foot two.
          Formerly known as Clarence Withers,
          and Sugar Dunkerton, and Downtown
          Funky Stuff Malone, and Jumping
          Johnny Johnson -- He's launching
          his new name tonight -- Put your
          hands together for: COFFEE BLACK.
          Clarence jogs out with Coffee Black sewn into his jersey...

          

          

          

          

          80.
          -RESULTS: A newspaper shows the Tropics have moved out of
          last place.
          -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 406.
          -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: He's giving away a mountain of
          cupcakes. A lucky fan stands next to him.

          JACKIE MOON
          (into mic)
          Eric has just won CUP CAKE
          MO UN TAINNNNNNNNN!!! Can you imagine
          how that feels? Who wants to see
          Eric take a bite!?
          -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 620.
          -THE KREMLIN: The team parties like it's 1976. The ball girls
          are looking pretty good.
          -MONTAGE CONTINUES WITH TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS. As music cranks,
          Clarence dribbles and pulls up for a little floater. On
          defense, Jackie rejects a shot.
          -WHEELCHAIR DARREN AND JODY: Jody wheels right out onto the
          floor, an opponent flips over her and tumbles. Jody spills
          out of her wheelchair, totally psyched.

          OPPOSING PLAYER
          My God, are you okay little girl?

          WHEELCHAIR JODY
          Eat my crippled ass.
          -RESULTS: Three successive winning scores are flashed in a
          row. A newspaper shows the Tropics moving up further in the
          standings.
          -CLARENCE'S MOM: Quincy is throwing. a party for the team at
          their BBQ place. She dances happy.
          -NEW PROMO PHOTOS: QUICK CUTS of the team's new glossy
          calendar: Mr. January: Jackie wears only a tool belt.
          February: Clarence lies on a lamb wool rug. March: Bee Bee
          Ellis, by a waterfall, wears a cardigan. April: Monix,
          annoyed, holds a rose in his teeth.
          -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 711.
          -MONIX THE MASTERMIND: In the meeting room, Monix and the
          team study film. Monix draws up a defensive scheme on the
          board. On the court, he gives Clarence an advanced lesson.

          

          

          

          

          81.

          MONIX
          Rotate further out from the key, so
          when you get the ball you can face
          the basket. You've actually got
          some moves, so you can penetrate...
          FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The guys in Hawaiin shirts
          are out flyering.

          TROPICAL AISLE GUY
          Come see the Tropics tonight!

          TROPICAL AISLE GUY #2
          See the biggest half time stunt
          ever.
          -MONIX THE PLAYER: Despite his knees and back killing him,
          Monix plays like a champion. He's still got some jump left
          too. He knows this is his last run, there's nothing left to
          save it for.
          -TRAINING ROOM: Clarence drains Monix's knee.
          -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Jackie's wife, Lucy Moon, rides a
          mechanical bull topless. The crowd goes nuts.

          JACKIE MOON
          Good job honey! Looking good.
          -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 890.
          -TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: Scootsie Double Day Scores. Twiggy Munson
          Scores. Bee Bee Ellis scores. Jackie Moon hits a ill advised
          three pointer. Monix rejoices, he's actually having fun.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          .Jackie Moon with a three. He's
          the fourth player in double
          figures. They're really sharing the
          ball tonight.
          -FLINT RALLIES AROUND THE TROPICS: People are buying Tropic's
          jerseys.
          -RESULTS: The standings show the Tropics all the way up to
          sixth place.
          -FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The ball girls are doing a
          kick line, wearing cute cheerleader skirts. Clarence watches
          from the bench.

          

          

          

          

          82.

          CLARENCE
          Hold up. Are these girls wearing
          underwear?

          JACKIE MOON
          Which girls?
          (turning around)
          Oh. It doesn't look like it. Wow.
          It's true, the ball girls are flashing the crowd with every
          kick.

          CLARENCE

          (MESMERIZED)
          Nice work, Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          I didn't do it. They did.
          Melinda winks at Jackie, as her skirt flips up. The crowd is
          going goes crazy.
          -ATTENDANCE: The clicker raises to 906.
          -MORE PRACTICE: Clarence slams a dunk and does a jig.

          MONIX
          Clarence, do me a favor, if you
          dunk the ball, don't dance
          afterwords. Act like you've been
          there before.

          JACKIE MOON
          Actually, Monix, I need him to
          dance. A lot. The fans need it.

          (BEAT)
          It's either that, or we play with a
          monkey.

          MONIX
          Fine, you can dance a little bit.

          JACKIE MOON
          If you dunk it, go fuckin' ape
          shit.
          -GAME TIME. CLARENCE DUNKS THE BALL: He immediately launches
          into a preposterous celebration: Back flip, 360 spin down to
          the splits, back up, he and Jackie give each other ten and
          then do an extended hand jive routine. Now Jackie blows
          Clarence a kiss, which 'knocks him out flat.' Clarence then
          poses, elbow on the floor, hand under his head, smiling.

          

          

          

          

          83.
          JACKIE'S WIFE: LUCY MOON sleeps with LOU REDWOOD.
          -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Halftime, at center court, a ramp is
          set up. Behind the ramp, all the ball girls lay head-to-toe.

           BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
           These beautiful girls reach a
           combined total of 47 feet... And
           here he comes...
           Jackie comes ROLLER-SKATING at high speed. He hits the jump --
          It's going to be close --

          BAM! HE LANDS HARD, POUNDING DOWN ON TOP OF THE LAST GIRL.

          SHE IS ABSOLUTELY FLATTENED BY THE IMPACT.

          JACKIE HOLDS HIS LEFT SHOULDER IN PAIN, THEN STANDS AND LIFTS

          HIS OTHER HAND, CLAIMING VICTORY.

          THE GIRL ROLLS OVER TO HER BACK, TRYING TO STAY CONSCIOUS.

          BOBBY DEE (V.0.)
          How about that!

          END OF MONTAGE.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT

          Jackie is on the bench, mid-game. Bobby Dee is taping his
          shoulder.

          JACKIE MOON

          OW.
          (Bobby Dee stops taping)
          No, keep doing'it.

          BOBBY DEE
          You sure boss?

          JACKIE MOON
          Just keep taping it up. I'm fine.
          Now the COMMISH (the league official) steps over.

          COMMISH
          Hey Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh, hey Commish.
          (a little worried)

          

          

          

          

          84.
          I didn't know you were in town this
          weekend.

          COMMISH
          Listen, my office has been getting
          your numbers. You claim you've had
          over two thousand people at every
          home game this month.

          JACKIE MOON
          (dead pan)
          That's correct.
          The commissioner looks around, skeptical. As we scan the
          stands, it's clear the crowd is still not big enough.

          COMMISH
          Well, we've counted only nine
          hundred and eighty three here
          tonight.

          JACKIE MOON
          What, you don't think people go to
          the bathroom?
          (Commish isn't buying it)
          Saturdays can be a little slow. You
          should have been here the other
          night, it was SO PACKED.

          COMMISH
          Don't bullshit me, Jackie.
          The commish waves over a little bald man in a suit. PEEKSKILL
          carries a brief case and never talks.

          COMMISH
          From now on, Peekskill here will be
          attending every Tropics home game.
          You're going to have to get a real
          crowd here if you want to qualify
          for the merger.

          INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

          Jackie Moon is being interviewed on a local talk show.

          INTERVIEWER
          So, the Tropics will be at a size
          disadvantage against the Americans.
          How do you intend to match up with
          their strong inside game?

          

          

          

          

          85.

          JACKIE MOON
          Tomorrow, at half time, I, Jackie
          Moon, will wrestle a bear.

          INTERVIEWER
          Oh, well there's something. But,
          defensively, as a team, do you

          THINK--

          JACKIE MOON
          --That's tomorrow! One night only!
          See Dewie the wrestling bear attack
          me. He's killed people in public
          before.

          INTERVIEWER
          Okay, well, that's some half time
          show.

          JACKIE MOON

          I'M TELLING YOU, NOBODY CAN MISS

          THIS! IF YOU'RE A CHILD, TAKE MONEY

          OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S PURSE AND WALK

          TO FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS

          COLISEUM! EIGHT O'CLOCK!

          INTERVIEWER
          Well, there you have it. Jackie
          Moon, thanks for stopping by. From
          channel 5, this is Mick Kenterman,
          signing off. Good night.

          JACKIE MOON

          DEWIE IS INSANE. HE COULD RIP MY

          HEAD OFF!

          EXT. LYNN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          LYNN carries the garbage out. As she closes the lid, she
          notices something.
          REVEAL: Monix is standing in the yard.

          LYNN
          Well, if it isn't the toast of
          Flint Michigan. Shouldn't you be
          out signing autographs?
          Monix doesn't speak... He stares into her eyes for a moment.

          MONIX
          Will you marry me?

          

          

          

          

          86.

          LYNN
          What?

          MONIX
          You heard me.

          LYNN
          Technically, we're still married
          right now, Monix.

          MONIX
          You know what I mean.

          LYNN
          Do I?

          MONIX
          Do you love me?

          LYNN
          Probably.

          MONIX
          Then let's do it. For real this
          time. I need you.

          LYNN
          Shit. I know you need me, Monix.
          The question is, do I need you?

          KYLE (O.S.)

          WHAT'S UP MONIX!?
          Kyle pokes his head out of the screen door. He wears a Flint
          Jersey with Monix on the back.

          KYLE

          CHECK OUT THE JERSEY, MAN. I'M YOU.

          HA!

          MONIX

          YEAH. HA!
          (to Lynn)
          And I suppose you need him?

          LYNN
          He's loyal.

          MONIX
          Dogs are loyal.

          

          

          

          

          87.

          LYNN
          He ain't stupid, if that's what
          you're trying to say.

          MONIX

          HEY KYLE!

          KYLE

          YEAH?

          MONIX

          CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? CAN YOU GO

          PICK ME UP A TUBE OF BEN GAY?

          KYLE

          NO PROBLEM, I'LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
          Monix and Lynn meet eyes. Lynn tries not to smile, trying to
          be mad. Kyle pulls on some jeans and gets into his truck.

          LYNN
          Don't fuck with him. It's just
          rude.

          MONIX
          (while looking at Lynn)

          DON'T GO TO THE PHARMACY, KYLE. I

          NEED A BIG TUBE, THE KIND THEY SELL

          OUT AT LUGER'S, ON ROUTE 59.

          KYLE

          I'M ALREADY GONE BRO.

          LYNN
          (eyeing Monix)
          What do you think you're doing?

           SMASH CUT TO:

          INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Monix and Lynn are HAVING SEX.
          Lynn is aggressive.
          Years of pent up emotion are building to a climax...

          INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Meanwhile, KYLE RE-ENTERS THE HOUSE!

          

          

          

          

          88.

          KYLE
          (to the empty living room)
          What's up. I forgot my stupid walle-
          -Kyle stops in his tracks. He HEARS a sound he's never truly
          heard before, Lynn having an orgasm. He slowly walks toward
          the bedroom.
          KYLE'S POV: Peeking around the corner, we spy Monix and Lynn
          still going at it.
          ON KYLE: His whole body goes numb, his face turns red... We
          hold on his face until:

          KYLE
          Monix?

          (BEAT)
          Yes.
          Still undetected, Kyle settles in to watch the show, still
          wearing his Monix jersey.
          Lynn finally looks over and spots Kyle. We can't be sure, but
          his hand might be in his pants. Lynn can't believe her eyes.

          LYNN
          (having sex, whispering
          off to Kyle)
          Stop that.

          KYLE
          Stop what?

          LYNN
          (in pig Latin)
          Ixne-on-the-erking off-je.
          Monix finally notices his sex partner is having a
          conversation. He turns to see Kyle.

          MONIX
          Woah. What the fuck?

          KYLE
          Monix, you of dog!

          MONIX
          What the Hell are you doing!?

          KYLE
          Hey, I'm the victim here. I'm
          allowed to do as I please. This was
          an honor.

          

          

          

          

          89.

          LYNN
          What?
          Monix stands up, wrapping a sheet around him.

          MONIX
          I'm outta here.

          KYLE
          Oh, c'mon man. Don't be like that.
          It's all cool.

          MONIX
          Believe me, this is not all cool.'
          Monix grabs his shit and walks out of the bedroom.

          MONIX
          I'll call you.

          KYLE
          Okay.

          LYNN
          Not you, asshole. He was talking to
          me.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT NIGHT

          There's a real buzz in the air. People are pouring into the
          stadium tonight. Clarence is right outside the locker room,
          eating a Bit-o-Honey, watching with amazement.

          OFFICER MILLER
          Hey is that Coffee Black? I'm
          officer Miller, State Correctional,
          I'm a big fan, you can call me
          Jimmy.

          CLARENCE
          Nice to meet you.

          OFFICER MILLER
          Jackie Moon ordered up a bus full
          of prisoners. Any idea where we all
          should sit?

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          PAN: The PRISONERS are all packed into the stands. Next to
          them is a huge group of ladies from an OLD FOLKS HOME... Next
          to a bus load of SICK KIDS from the hospital.

          

          

          

          

          90.
          ON PEEKSKILL trying to count. There's no use analyzing it,
          the place is sold out and the fans are going nuts.
          CENTER COURT: In a wrestling ring, Jackie is in a wrestling
          singlet, wearing head gear, drinking from a squirt bottle.
          PAN TO DEWIE THE BEAR, ready to go.
          CLARENCE, DRESSED AS A REF, is standing in front of JACKIE,
          messaging his shoulders.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          We sold out, man. You did good.

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm scared of bears, Clarence.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          What?

          JACKIE MOON
          I hate these things. I'm freaking
          out right now.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          If you're scared of bears, why the
          Hell are you wrestling one then?

          JACKIE MOON
          Look at this place. We're packed.
          It was a good idea.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Well, don't worry, you'll pin him
          easy. It'll be fine.

          JACKIE MOON
          You don't understand. I don't like
          bears. I'm feeling dizzy.
          Jackie is seriously petrified. Clarence adjusts the collar of
          his ref jersey and looks around, worried about his friend.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Maybe we should call it off.

          JACKIE MOON
          NO. Look into my eyes.
          (Clarence does)
          You're the ref tonight. No matter
          what happens in there, do not stop
          the fight, okay?

          

          

          

          

          91
          These people came to see a show.
          I've got to make it through at
          least one round.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Okay, until you finish the first
          round, I won't call it. Hey, how
          bad can three minutes be, right?

          BEAR HANDLER (O.S.)
          Are you guys ready?
          The bear handler is a large frizzy haired woman.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          I don't know, are we ready?

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah, let's do it.

          BEAR HANDLER
          You guys want to give me a safe
          word?

          CLARENCE THE REF
          What's a safe word?

          BEAR HANDLER
          It's a word for you to yell to the
          Ref, so he can stop the match.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't need a safe word.

          BEAR HANDLER
          Tell you what, if you get injured
          or you really feel like you're in
          danger, yell, um, I don't know...
          Spumoni. Once I get a signal from
          the ref, I'll come in.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          What's Spumoni?

          JACKIE MOON
          It's an Italian Gelato, sort of
          like Almond flavored ice cream.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Is it good?

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know, I've never had it.

          

          

          

          

          92.

          BEAR HANDLER
          It's really good.
          (Jackie and Clarence nod)
          Okay, so Spumoni is the safe word
          then?

          JACKIE MOON
          No, I don't need a safe word, okay?
          Let's just do this. One round.
          (nodding to the bell man)
          DING DING DING! The bell has rung. The crowd goes crazy.
          Clarence assumes his position as ref.
          Jackie walks slowly toward the bear, frightened.
          They bear scratches his belly, cute. Jackie immediately
          quits.

          JACKIE MOON
          (re: The scratching)
          Okay, fuck this.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          What? You can't quit already.

          JACKIE MOON
          SPUMONI. I'm out of here.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          You can't SPUMONI, all he did was
          scratch his nuts.

          JACKIE MOON
          Well, too bad, I'm SPUMONI-ING.
          PEOPLE START TO BOO. Jackie looks around at the angry crowd.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          You gotta give 'em a show. C'mon,
          the bear seems pretty tired, look
          at him.
          It's true, the bear is pretty docile. The bear's indifference
          gives Jackie a glimmer of confidence.

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Just test him out a little. Maybe
          it won't be so bad.
          Jackie nods, then hops around with his dukes in the air. Now
          he does a shuffle for the crowd. After dancing a bit, the
          bear is still motionless.

          

          

          

          

          93.

          JACKIE MOON
          (tapping the bear)
          C'mon Dewie...
          (off screen)
          What's going on? Is he going to--

          --THE BEAR MAULS JACKIE. LIKE LIGHTENING, JACKIE HAS ALREADY

          BEEN TACKLED AND STRANGLED AGAINST THE ROPES.

          JACKIE MOON

          AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

          CLARENCE THE REF
          Damn.

          BEAR HANDLER
          Woah-ho. I've never seen that
          before.

          THE CROWD IS GOING BALLISTIC. NOW THE BEAR THROWS JACKIE

          ACROSS THE RING LIKE A LIMP RAG DOLL.

          JACKIE MOON

          AAAHHH!!! SPUMONI!!!

          CLARENCE THE REF

          NO SPUMONI.

          JACKIE MOON

          FUCK YOU CLARENCE! SPUMONI!

          THE BEAR IS GOING BALISTIC. JACKIE TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY, BUT

          DEWIE JUMPS ON HIM, GRABS HIS HEAD AND TRIES TO RIP IT OFF OF

          HIS SHOULDERS. THIS BEAR HAS LOST HIS MIND.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to the handler)

          SPUMONI!

          ANIMAL HANDLER
          (to Clarence)

          I THINK MY BEAR'S SPOOKED, REF. I

          THINK YOU NEED TO CALL IT.

          CLARENCE THE REF

          NO. ONE ROUND. THIS IS WHAT HE

          WANTS, TRUST ME.

          GASPING FOR BREATH, JACKIE IS BEING SUFFOCATED BY A POWERFUL

          BEAR HUG.

          

          

          

          

          94.

          JACKIE MOON

          PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE SPUMONI! I'M

          BEGGING YOU, CLARENCE.

          CLARENCE THE REF

          LOOKING GOOD, BOSS.

          JACKIE IS HANGING HALF WAY OUT OF THE RING. HE'S NOSE TO NOSE.:

          WITH THE BEAR HANDLER.

          JACKIE MOON
          (screaming at the bear

          HANDLER)

          GELATO! ALMOND ICE CREAM!
          (in Italian)
          Asta zittu'sto parcnuso spumoni!

          BEAR HANDLER
          (to Clarence)

          WE HAVE TO STOP IT!

          CLARENCE THE REF

          NO WAY! I'M THE REF!

          BEAR HANDLER
          (climbing in)
          Screw this, I'm stopping it.
          The bear handler tries to get into the ring with a stick and
          loop. But CLARENCE TRIES TO PUSH THE BEAR HANDLER back out of
          the ring.

          DEWIE TURNS TO FIND HIS HANDLER IN DANGER.

          LIKE LIGHTENING, THE BEAR MAULS CLARENCE.

          CLARENCE THE REF

          AAAHHHHH!!! I'M THE REF!!!

          SPUMONI!!!
          DING! The first round is over, but the bear does not return
          to his corner.

          CLARENCE THE REF

          THE BELL RANG! SPUMONI!!!

          MUSIC CUE: 'KING KONG' BY JIMMY CASTOR

          MONTAGE: SOLD OUT FLINT ROLLS TOWARD FOURTH.
          The Tropics play awesome.

          A SIGN SAYS 'SOLD OUT!'

          

          

          

          

          95.

           LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
           And it's another sell-out crowd for
          the Flint Michigan Tropics.

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 111 COLONELS 98.

          AGAIN, THE SIGN SAYS: SOLD OUT!

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 90 SQUIRES 81.

           LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Taking it strong to the rim is
          Coffee Black. Yes! This sold out
          crowd is going nuts. You've been a
          little quiet Lou, how are you
          doing?

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          A Mexican stole my bike.

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 92 AMERICANS 87.

          ON THE SIGN: SOLD OUT!

          BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 105 CONQUISTADORS 91.
          The team celebrates the win.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          And, believe it or not, the Flint
          Tropics are in perfect position to
          qualify for the NBA merger. If they
          win their final game, they'll
          clinch fourth place. But nothing is
          ever easy against the first place
          San Antonio Spurs.
          As Jackie does a victory dance, the commissioner approaches.

          COMMISH
          Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh, hey Commish. Good game huh? And
          a packed house too.

          COMMISH
          I need to talk to you... And the
          rest of your team. Alone.

          INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

          The whole team stands solemnly.

          

          

          

          

          96.

          COMMISH
          I'm sorry, but even if you beat the
          Spurs on Friday, we just can't have
          an NBA franchise in Flint.

          MONIX
          What are you saying?

          COMMISH
          It's just not good business. Flint
          isn't a big enough media market,
          okay? This stadium is small and,
          frankly, it needs to be torn down
          before someone gets hurt. I'm sorry
          but nobody ever thought you guys
          could ever get this far.

          CLARENCE
          Well tough shit. This team did make
          it this far. Rules are rules.

          COMMISH
          Rules are rules... Until the
          expansion committee makes new
          rules. Then those rules are the
          rules.
          Everyone looks at each other. Jackie's brain has slipped into
          a deep trance. He is no longer inside his body.

          COMMISH
          Don't take this personally, Jackie.
          These other teams have strong
          markets, new stadiums. It's just
          not going to happen for you Flint
          boys. I'm sorry.
          The devastation of what is happening is palpable. Nothing has
          ever hurt this bad before.

          COMMISH
          I know you're going to punch me,
          Jackie. So let's just get it over
          with.
          The commissioner stands brave, eyes closed, chin out.
          Jackie is too confused and devastated to hit anything. He
          stumbles out of the room like a zombie. The team follows.
          The commissioner opens his eyes. A long silent beat...

          

          

          

          

          97.

          COMMISH
          (to himself)
          How did I get out of that one?
          Suddenly KONG darts in and squeezes the commissioner's balls
          with a kung fu grip.

          COMMISH
          Ah!

          EXT. FLINT TROPICS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT

          The team files out into the parking lot, totally devastated.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          This can't be happening.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          They can't just do this, can they?

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          We can get a lawyer, dude. We can
          fight this!... Can't we?... Monix?
          Monix just looks to the ground, as in 'it's over.'

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Jackie... Please... Say something.
          Jackie opens his mouth... He tries to speak, but he can't.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Are you crying?

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't know.
          (contorting his face)
          I'm trying to.
          (looking to the sky)
          I wish I could just puke this away.
          (to Monix)
          Do it to my Jejunum, Monix. Help
          me.
          But Monix is leaving. He turns and walks off, alone down the
          dark street... The others walk away too...

          JACKIE MOON
          Wait! Monix! Where is everyone
          going?...

          

          

          

          

          98.

          MUSIC CUE: 'IT'S TOO LATE' BY ISAAC HAYES.

          MONTAGE: PLAYERS OF FLINT ARE DOWN AND OUT.
          -CLARENCE walks alone along the river.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          In an American Basketball
          Association policy shift, it seems
          the Flint Tropics will not be
          playing for an NBA birth after
          all...
          -BEE BEE ELLIS stands in the middle of the Tropics court,
          upset.
          -JACKIE walks, sad, along the streets of Flint -- Now he
          suddenly picks up a pipe and SMASHES THE WINDSHEILD of an
          innocent truck. He turns and TACKLES A GARBAGE CAN.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Friday's match-up against the first-
          place San Antonio Spurs will be the
          Tropics final basketball game...
          -SCOOTSIE DOUBLE DAY finishes spray-painting the words
          'BULLSHIT' on a wall. REVEAL: He is in his own child's
          nursery room. The baby starts crying.
          -The TROPICAL AISLE guys are fat and shirtless, burning their
          Hawaiian shirts outside the stadium.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          And if that news wasn't bad enough
          for the Tropics, we've just been
          informed that Coffee Black, the
          team's top scorer, has been traded
          to the Spurs.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          At least someone from Flint is on
          his way to the NBA next year.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. THE THE KREMLIN - CONTINUOUS

          MONIX is back on his bar stool, drinking and smoking, it's
          been a long night.
          Now CLARENCE ENTERS the Kremlin... And makes the long walk
          over to sit next to Monix.

          

          

          

          

          99.

          CLARENCE
          Thought I might find you here.
          (long beat)
          I got traded.

          MONIX
          Yeah, I heard.

          CLARENCE
          I guess the San Antonio Spurs are
          picking up the players they want,
          before we're eligible for the
          expansion draft.

          MONIX
          Coffee Black, going to the NBA...

          CLARENCE
          They won't let me finish out with
          the Tropics. So, we'll be playing
          against each other in the last
          game. That's pretty weird.

          MONIX
          It won't be weird. The game doesn't
          count.

          CLARENCE
          Listen I'm sorry about--

          MONIX
          Don't be sorry.

          CLARENCE
          I mean, I just want to say that,
          this year, you really--

          MONIX
          --DON'T. Alright? Just don't.
          Clarence stares at him. Then eventually stands up to leave.
          There are a million things he wants to say, but he says this:

          CLARENCE
          We worked so hard.

          MONIX
          Well, it was all for nothing.

          CLARENCE
          So, that's just it then?

          

          

          

          

          100.

          MONIX
          That's just it.
          Clarence shakes his head and walks out.

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING

          The morning sun shines down on the sad town of Flint.
          Monix walks home in the street. He stops and TAKES A LEAK
          right in the middle of the road. A car honks at him to get
          out of the way, then skids to a stop.
          Lynn pokes her head out of the car.

          LYNN
          What the fuck are you doing?

          MONIX
          Oh. Hey Lynn.

          INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY

          Monix is on the couch, drunk. He gazes at the TV and swigs
          his beer.
          Now LYNN walks in.

          LYNN
          I thought the deal was, you were
          going to sleep.

          MONIX
          Pshh. Relax.

          LYNN
          So, you're just going to sit here
          in my house and drink for the
          entire day?

          MONIX
          You got a problem with that?

          LYNN
          Yeah, I do. Maybe you could put
          some pants on and go piss off
          somebody else.

          MONIX
          Fine, maybe I will!

          (STANDING)
          Where are my pants?

          

          

          

          

          101.

          LYNN
          Tell me something, Monix-

          MONIX
          No.

          LYNN
          Whatwereyou trying to accomplish
          thisyear?You never really gave a
          shitaboutthat NBA merger, did
          you?
          Monix doesn't say anything.

          LYNN
          The merger, Monix, did you ever
          care about it?
          Monix still stays quiet.

          LYNN
          Tell me, if you didn't care about
          the merger, what the Hell were you
          playing for!?

          MONIX
          I wanted fourth place! Okay? That
          was the whole fucking thing!

          LYNN
          Well, guess what! Fourth place is
          still sitting there, waiting for
          you to win it!
          Monix doesn't look at her.

          LYNN
          Think about it.

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - DAY

          A wide shot of an alley. We hear a familiar voice off screen.

          JACKIE MOON (O.S.)
          (singing bizarre)
          Baby, who wants to- love me sexy!
          baby, Ugh, are you ready to; lick
          me sexy!!!? Yeah yeah!! HA!
          INSIDE A DUMPSTER, REVEAL: Jackie lays in garbage and sings
          up to the sky. It's official, he has lost his mind.

          

          

          

          

          102.

          JACKIE MOON
          (tweaking the lyrics)
          I'm a big faker and I stole this;
          Song-ly sexy. I'm the biggest
          failure in the; world-ly sexy. I'm
          going to kill my; self-y sexy.

          BEE BEE ELLIS (O.S.)
          Jackie?
          Bee Bee Ellis hears Jackie voice and discovers him in laying
          the garbage. Jackie ignores his teammate.

          JACKIE MOON
          I'm going to hang myself with an
          extension; cord-y sexy.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Jackie! What the Hell are you doing
          in a dumpster?

          JACKIE MOON
          (ignoring Bee Bee)
          I am urinating in my pants right
          now.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          You gotta get it together, man.
          Monix called a team meeting.

          INT. THE KREMLIN - LATER DAY

          The entire team has gathered. Monix addresses them.

          MONIX
          Listen up. We all know that
          Clarence has been traded. And we
          all know that this game doesn't
          matter anymore, right?

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Right.

          MONIX
          Well I've got news for you. This
          game does matter. It matters
          because this is the last real
          basketball game any of us is ever
          going to play. Ever.
          The guys nod, solemn.

          

          

          

          

          103.

          MONIX
          Tomorrow night, I say we leave it
          all out there on the floor. Because
          there's nothing else for us to save
          it for. Clarence or no Clarence.
          NBA or no NBA. Merger or no merger.
          We decided we are going to win
          fourth place. And that's what we're
          going to do.
          Jackie is moved. The guys look at each other and nod.

          MONIX
          Over the past five weeks, we've
          become a team. And that is no small
          thing. Jackie, have you ever been
          on a real team before?

          JACKIE MOON
          No sir.

          MONIX
          How does it feel?

          JACKIE MOON
          It feels pretty good.

          MONIX
          All your lives, you've dreamed of
          playing in the NBA. Well, guess
          what? Tomorrow night, you are.
          You're playing an NBA team. And for
          one night, the world is going to
          know that you belong.

          (BEAT)
          Look, I tried to pretend like it
          didn't matter to me if we made it
          to fourth or not.
          Monix turns inward, speaking with an emotion that is pure.

          MONIX
          But the truth is, I want this more
          than anything I've ever wanted in
          my whole fucked-up life.

          (BEAT)
          And I think you do too. I think you
          can taste it. Because we earned
          this. We made this happen. And
          we're four quarters away from
          making our dreams come true.

          

          

          

          

          104.

          JACKIE MOON

          LET'S DO THIS!

          BEE BEE ELLIS

          YEAH! LET'S GO!

          MONIX

          JACKIE, YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE GAME TO

          PROMOTE!
          (to the team)

          LET ME HEAR IT! FOURTH PLACE!

          EVERYONE

          FOURTH PLACE!
          Pumped, they jump around, ready to make their own history.

          MONIX

          FOURTH PLACE!

          EVERYONE

          FOURTH PLACE!

          INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT

          A sports show host is interviewing Jackie.

          JACKIE MOON
          The Spurs may be the #1 team in the
          league, but they're going to have
          to prove it on Friday night.

          TV ANNOUNCER
          Since this game doesn't count,
          Jackie. What exactly is your
          motivation?

          JACKIE MOON
          (with a gleam in his eye)
          We.'re going to win this game,
          because we want it. It's as simple
          as that. That alone should make
          people want to show up and root for
          us.
          Jackie and the announcer look at each other for a long moment
          of silence...

          JACKIE MOON
          Plus, this is the FLINT MICHIGAN

          MEGA-BOWL!

          

          

          

          

          105.

          TV ANNOUNCER
          What?

          JACKIE MOON
          Save your ticket stubs, the mega-
          bowl is an historic event.

          TV ANNOUNCER
          I'm not sure I understand.

          JACKIE MOON
          It's a Mega-Bowl. What's not to
          understand?

          TV ANNOUNCER
          This game has no effect on--

          JACKIE MOON
          --The Mega Bowl trophy is twelve
          feet high. AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

          TV ANNOUNCER
          I'm sorry, but this sounds like
          something you just made up.

          JACKIE MOON
          Well, I didn't.

          TV ANNOUNCER
          Well, it doesn't make any sense.
          They're just words.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh please. You're just words.
          (directly at camera)

          COME SEE THE FLINT TROPICS RAISE

          THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY HIGH ABOVE OUR

          HEADS. WE'RE NOT JUST GOING TO

          FINISH IN FOURTH, WE'RE GOING TO

          TAKE HOME THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY.

          TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8 O'CLOCK!

          EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING

          The sun rises above the city. In the morning light, Flint
          looks almost electric.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FRIDAY NIGHT

          The parking lot is rocking. The whole town is jazzed for the
          big event.

          

          

          

          

          106.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          if the commissioner is listening, I
          recommend he stay out of the city
          of Flint tonight. He's not too
          popular in this town.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.O.)
          i will stab him in the stomach with
          an eight inch hunting knife.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          There were many wild protests in
          Flint this week. But it seems like
          the whole city is now focused on
          beating the San Antonio Spurs. This
          team seems to have captured every
          heart in this town of underdogs.
          People have poured in from around
          the state to support this drive
          toward their first mega-bowl
          championship.

          INT. SPURS LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

          Clarence is getting dressed in the visitor's locker room. He
          holds up a Spurs Jersey and now pulls the strange colors over
          his head.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.)
          The Flint Tropics will be playing
          without their number one scorer,
          Coffee Black tonight. The Spurs
          have signed several new players
          from around the ABA, locking them
          in before they hit the free market
          in next year's expansion draft. The
          .big man, Pete Petrelli has been
          sent over from the dismantled
          Anaheim Amigos.
          Now Petrelli enters frame. The guy we hate has been traded to
          the Spurs too.

          PETRELLI
          We may be teammates, but I still
          think you're a dick.

          CLARENCE
          Thanks Petrelli.

          

          

          

          

          107.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          WHEELCHAIR DARREN and JODY take their positions next to the
          court. DUKES sits in the stands. QUINCY wears a new fur coat,
          sitting center court. The TROPICAL AISLE cheers, rowdy. The
          BALL GIRLS look almost nervous. You can feel the excitement.
          And now entering, by herself, standing in the back, is LYNN.
          She takes a deep breath.

          INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Monix addresses the team.

          MONIX
          You want to know what I love? This.
          The eleven of us right here, right
          now, waiting for the biggest game
          of our lives to begin.

          (BEAT)
          I want you to remember something. I
          want you to remember what this
          feels like, to be here in this
          locker room together, one last
          time, shoulder to shoulder with
          these men. Because we are not
          ourselves tonight. We are one.
          This is what I love.

          (BEAT)
          Let's play basketball.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER

          The game is well under way. It's full tilt action.
          It's immediately clear that the Tropics are being over
          powered.
          QUICK CUTS: PETRELLI knocks over Monix and scores.
          -The Tropics offense is getting shut down.
          -Jackie gets a rebound, but then dribbles off his ankle.
          -The fans are disappointed. The guys in the Tropical Aisle
          are all bummed out. Wheelchair Jody looks pissed.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Not a good first half for the
          Tropics so far. They're already
          down by ten.
          ON CLARENCE: He sits on the Spurs bench.

          

          

          

          

          108.

          SPURS COACH
          Coffee Black, you're going in.

          CLARENCE
          I can't. I've got back spasms.
          The coach stares him down, then picks another player.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          This is easily the worst half of
          basketball the Tropics have ever
          played. And that's saying
          something.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          Yep. It's a shit fucking sandwich.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Let's watch the F-bomb, Lou. We're
          live.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          Oh, please, this is our last game.
          I can say whatever I want. Watch
          this: I hope Gerald Ford gets ass
          raped.

          LIVE TROPICS RADIO
          Okay then. We've got just fifteen
          seconds left in the first half...
          Here's Monix with a no-look to
          Jackie... He goes up strong--

          SLO MO: PETRELLI FLIES IN AND ELBOWS JACKIE HARD IN THE HEAD.

          SLO MO: JACKIE'S HEAD SNAPS BACK...

          SLO MO: JACKIE FALLS TO THE HARDWOOD, UNCONSCIOUS, HE BOUNCES

          OFF THE FLOOR.

          LYNN
          Oh my God.
          Everyone in the stadium watches as Jackie lays out cold.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          I've never seen anyone take a hit
          quite like that before. This looks
          serious.
          CLARENCE looks worried from the Spurs bench.

          

          

          

          

          109.

          CLARENCE

          JACKIE!

          SPURS COACH
          Do not leave this bench, Coffee.
          BEE BEE leans over Jackie, worried.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Jackie? You awake?

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          Bring in the stretcher!

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          We don't have one.

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          I don't want to speculate, but I'm
          pretty sure he's dead.
          MONIX gets in Petrelli's face.

          MONIX
          What are you trying to prove
          Petrelli? You afraid to play
          basketball?

          PETRELLI
          Hey, check the scoreboard.
          Monix attacks Petrelli.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Now Monix is after Petrelli. This
          is total chaos.

          FATHER PAT THE REF
          (to the clock man)
          Let those fifteen seconds run out!
          (to everyone)
          It's half time! Everyone off the
          court!

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          And at half time. It's the Spurs
          60, the Tropics 29.
          The guys carry Jackie off the court and into the locker room.
          ON CLARENCE: He's had enough. He stands up and begins walking
          across the court, to join the Tropics.

          

          

          

          

          110.

          SPURS COACH
          Where the Hell are you going?

          CLARENCE
          I'm going to my team.

          SPURS COACH
          This is your team. You are not
          leaving this bench.
          From the front row, the COMMISSIONER hears all of this and
          stands up, surrounded by security guards.

          COMMISH
          You sit down! You're not playing
          with those idiots ever again. If
          you walk away from this bench now,
          you're never coming back. I'll see
          to it you never play in the NBA!
          Ever! Do you understand what I'm
          saying to you, Coffee?

          CLARENCE
          My name ain't Coffee. It's
          Clarence.
          With that, Clarence walks across the floor. The crowd erupts.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Look at this. Coffee Black is
          walking over to the Tropics. This
          crowd is going crazy!
          Clarence takes off his Spurs jersey and throws it into the
          crowd.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME

          Jackie is laid out on a bench. Scootsie pours a bucket of
          water on him. It doesn't work. Everyone looks worried.
          Clarence enters the locker room.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          Clarence!

          CLARENCE
          Is he okay?

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          I don't know.

          

          

          

          

          MONIX
          What the Hell are you doing here?

          CLARENCE
          I'm with you guys.

          MONIX
          Are you out of your mind? You want
          to lose your NBA contract? Get out
          of here.

          CLARENCE
          No.

          MONIX
          You're going to give up the NBA for
          this?
          (he is)
          Well, you're a fucking asshole.
          (now to Jackie)
          Jackie. Are you okay buddy?
          Monix cracks a smelling salt and waves it over Jackie's face.

          WE PUSH IN ON JACKIE...

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. DREAMLAND - DAY

          We're in Heaven. Jackie floats next to his Mother, who wears
          a white robe and holds a red, white and blue basketball. A
          basketball hoop hovers behind their heads.

          JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
          (in a dream)
          Now, I want you to go forward, and
          tell the others what I have told
          you here today. Do you understand
          me, son?

          JACKIE MOON
          (in a dream)
          Yes Mother. You are so kind.

          (BEAT)
          I'm sorry I stole your song.

          JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
          I forgave you for that a long time
          ago. I'd say it's about time you
          forgave yourself.

          

          

          

          

          112.

          JACKIE MOON
          I don't want to leave this place.
          It's so fluffy. I miss you, Mom.

          JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
          I miss you too, Jackie. Now, you
          gotta wake up. You're missing the
          game.

          JACKIE MOON
          Oh. I am? That's bad isn't it?

          (BEAT)
          Can you make time go backwards?

          JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
          Not really. Now hurry up. And don't
          forget what I said.
          Jackie walks into the clouds, then turns back.

          JACKIE MOON
          Hey Mom, I threw up.

          JACKIE'S DREAM MOM
          I know you did, sweetie.

          INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Jackie wakes from his dream. Confused.
          JACKIE'S POV: Bee Bee Ellis, Twiggy Munson, Scootsie Double-
          Day and Kong Yi look down at camera.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          He's awake.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER

          We're back with Live ABA radio.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          This just in. It sounds like Jackie
          Moon is up and around the locker
          room. That's good news for the
          Tropics.

          INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

          Monix coaches the team. Jackie rubs his head, not listening.

          

          

          

          

          113.

          MONIX
          And I don't care how quick their
          defense is, we need to move the
          ball and--

          JACKIE MOON
          --Hold on you guys. I have
          something to tell you.

          MONIX
          What is it?
          Jackie seems very serious...

          JACKIE MOON
          I had a dream. I had a dream, I was
          in heaven and my Mother spoke to
          me... She was wearing a flowing
          white gown... And she showed me a
          whole new way to score a basket.
          She spoke to me and said with this
          gift, you will win fourth place.'

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          He's lost his mind.

          TWIGGY MUNSON
          We need to figure out what we're
          going to do in the second half.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Yeah, we don't have time for any
          ghost baskets.

          JACKIE MOON

          YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY MOTHER

          THIS WAY! THIS SHOT IS MAGICAL!

          DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
          Jackie's eyes are intense and he's breathing way too hard.
          This dream was real. Monix tries to pacify him.

          MONIX
          Alright Jackie, relax, okay?

          JACKIE MOON

          I WILL NOT RELAX! WE HAVE TO USE

          THIS! IT'S A GIFT FROM THE

          OTHERWORLD!
          Monix and Clarence shoot each other a look. Clearly, Jackie
          is not going to take no for an answer.

          

          

          

          

          114.

          CLARENCE
          Okay Jackie, so what's the play?

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - NIGHT

          The second half is underway. Clarence and Jackie are both
          playing for the Tropics.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          We're back in action here at the
          Mega Bowl. Coffee Black is playing
          for the Tropics... And Jackie Moon
          makes the start... In fact, it
          looks like he's trying to run the
          offense here...
          Jackie dribbles at the top of the key, doing a lot of
          pointing along with multiple hand signals.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          This is a new offense for the
          Tropics. Jackie dribbles to the top
          of the key... And...
          Jackie makes eye contact with Clarence.
          Clarence cuts to the basket and Jackie throws him a lob.
          SLO MO: As Clarence leaps, we hear Jackie's voice over from
          the locker room...

          JACKIE (V.0.)
          I had a dream. And in my dream, my
          mother jumped... Her gown flowing
          in the wind... And she caught a
          pass in the air and dunked it,
          without ever touching the ground...
          SLO MO: Clarence catches it and slams it hard.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
          .She lifted her veil and said 'I
          call this the Alley Oop.'
          Everyone stands there, astonished. The other team is frozen.
          The fans are confused. The ref has no idea what to do.

          JACKIE MOON (V.0.)
          .And she said it would change the
          game forever...
          The other players are starting to appreciate what they've
          just seen.

          

          

          

          

          115.

          SPUR #1
          Damn, bro.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Woah. I'm sorry, I don't know what
          just happened.

          SPUR #2
          Doesn't he have to dribble first?

          LOU REDWOOD (V.0.)
          What the Hell is going on?

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          Hey Jackie, isn't that against the
          rules?

          JACKIE MOON
          No. My Mom said it was fine.
          The whole arena is waiting for Father Pat the Ref to process
          this information.

          SPURS COACH

          C'MON FATHER PAT! HE CAN'T DO THAT!

          IT'S TRAVELING!
          WHISTLE! Father Pat The ref waves his hands.

          FATHER PAT THE REF

          HOLD ON. STOP THE GAME.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          The ref has stopped the Mega Bowl.

          FATHER PAT THE REF

          FOUL ON NUMBER TWENTY FIVE.

          JACKIE MOON

          FOUL? I DIDN'T TOUCH ANYBODY!

          FATHER PAT THE REF

          WELL, PEOPLE CAN'T JUST FLY IN THE

          AIR LIKE THAT!

          THIS CAUSES JACKIE TO LOSE HIS MIND.

          JACKIE MOON

          OH, PLEASE! DO YOU THINK MY MOM

          WOULD CHEAT IN MY DREAMS?

          FATHER PAT THE REF

          WHAT?

          

          

          

          

          116.

          JACKIE MOON

          SHE'S AN ANGEL! HEAVEN WANTS US TO

          WIN! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
          The other players stop Jackie's attack. Monix steps over and
          calmly states the facts.

          MONIX
          It's not a foul unless you touch
          another player. And it can't be
          traveling without first
          establishing a pivot foot. It's two
          points, Father Pat, two points.
          Father Pat the Ref thinks about this...

          FATHER PAT THE REF

          I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. TWO POINTS

          FOR FLINT!
          The crowd goes nuts. The other team protests. Jackie points
          to the sky, right through the hole in the roof.

          MUSIC CUE: THE JACKSON FIVE 'DANCING MACHINE'

          QUICK CUTS: THE TROPICS ALLEY OOP THEIR WAY TO FOURTH PLACE.
          -Clarence slams down another alley-oop. Wheelchair Darren and
          Wheelchair Jody go crazy.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          There it is again, Clarence
          leaping, and forcing the ball in a
          downward direction through the goal
          net off of a high arching pass --
          Hold on, I'm being told this is
          called an Alley Oop. Yes, That's
          easier to say.
          -Another Alley Oop! Dukes, shirtless, pumps his fist.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Jackie lobs to Clarence again. YES!
          Another Alley Oop! The Spurs don't
          know what's hit them.
          -Monix double teams and forces a turn over. In the back of
          the stadium, LYNN can't help but scream.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Monix with a steal-- A long bounce
          pass to Scootsie Double-Day for a
          lay-up.

          

          

          

          

          117.
          I'll tell you, Monix is playing on
          one leg here in the second half.
          -Monix cuts off a Bee Bee Ellis pick toward the basket..

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. )
          Monix penetrates-- and-- Wow! He
          flipped it up behind his back and
          Clarence slammed it home with one
          hand!
          SCOREBOARD: SPURS 100, TROPICS 99 -- : 15 left.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FIFTEEN SECONDS LEFT

          Monix's team breaks the huddle and takes the floor.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          In all my years of radio, I've
          never seen anything like this. The
          Tropics have fought their way back
          from a twenty nine point deficit.
          With twelve seconds left to play,
          they're down by one point. A basket
          here could win it.
          IT'S THE FINAL PLAY: The fans pray. Monix takes a deep
          breath, then in bounds the ball--
          SLO MO: Jackie dribbles, looks up and lofts a perfect pass to
          Clarence...
          SLO MO: Clarence flies up for the alley oop slam dunk...
          SLO MO: At the last second, Petrelli flies into frame and
          swats it away!

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Petrelli with the rejection! It's
          out of bounds -- The Tropics keep
          the ball, with seven seconds on the
          clock. I'll tell you Lou, the Spurs
          were looking for that one.
          IN THE HUDDLE: Monix is yelling above the noise.

          MONIX
          (in the huddle)
          Okay, listen up: They've made
          adjustments out there. We can't
          just keep running the Alley Oop,
          okay? They're keying on Clarence.
          Everyone looks at each other, worried.

          

          

          

          

          118.

          SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY
          We're not going to run the alley
          oop?

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          What are we going to run?

          MONIX
          We're going to run The Puke.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          The Puke?

          MONIX
          Don't tell me you've forgotten it.
          Everyone smiles at each other. They haven't.

          MONIX
          We're going to pick away from the
          ball. We're going to move to the
          open space. I won't in bound the
          ball until someone has a good look.
          (beat).
          The Puke.

          CLARENCE
          Amen.

          JACKIE MOON
          Bring it in! One two three--

          EVERYONE

          LET'S GET TROPICAL!
          THE TROPICS RUN THE PUKE: A flash to the high side post with
          an outside screen and a back door cut.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Monix, looking to inbound...
          SLO MO: Clarence sets a pick for Scootsie- Everyone rotates.
          Jackie picks and rolls to the basket, open...
          Monix zips Jackie a no-look pass...

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Jackie goes up strong...

          BUT PETRELLI ELBOWS HIM IN THE HEAD AGAIN! WHISTLE!

          

          

          

          

          119.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          No Good! But Petrelli fouls him!

          JACKIE IS ABLE TO SHAKE OFF THE HEAD INJURY.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          Jackie Moon will shoot two free
          throws here, his team down by one,
          with two seconds on the clock. One
          will tie it. He needs both to win
          it.
          The ref hands Jackie the ball. The players take their places
          along the lane. Jackie steps to the line. The whole arena is
          on pins and needles.

          JACKIE MOON
          (to his team)
          Don't worry you guys, I got this...
          (to the ball girls)
          I am awesome at free throws.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          I'll tell you, I don't remember the
          last time I've ever seen Jackie
          attempt a free throw...

          JACKIE MOON
          (Louder now, to the fans)

          IT'S OKAY EVERYBODY. SERIOUSLY.

          FREE THROWS ARE, LIKE, MY BEST

          THING.
          Now Jackie sets up for the shot...

          BUT, AS JACKIE PREPARES, HE SETS UP TO SHOOT GRANNY STYLE,

          TOSSING UNDERHANDED FROM BETWEEN HIS KNEES.

          MONIX
          What the Hell are you doing?

          JACKIE MOON
          What, you've never seen me shoot
          free throws before?

          CLARENCE
          He shoots them Granny style.

          BEE BEE ELLIS
          Always has.

          

          

          

          

          120.

          MONIX
          (to himself)
          Shit.
          Jackie's ritual is insane. He breathes, spins the ball, turns
          around 360, deep knee bends, touches his left shoulder four
          times, then SUDDENLY WINGS THE BALL HIGH IN THE AIR.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          The first attempt is... GOOD!

          IT SWISHES. THE CROWD GOES NUTS...

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          The game is tied. One more and the
          Tropics win.
          Jackie does the same ritual. But this time a bead of sweat
          rolls over his forehead. He is nervous. But he tosses
          anyway...
          SLO MO: The Ball floats toward the basket. Flash bulbs pop.
          SLO MO: The ball bounces off the rim, away from the basket.
          SLO MO: Monix elbows his way into position for a rebound.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)
          No Good -- Monix with the put back!
          SLO MO: Monix catches the ball in the air and re-shoots a
          fade-away jumper. Swish!

          MUSIC CUE: 'HOME SWEET HOME' BY CAPTAIN FUNK.

          LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.)

          FLINT WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT

          WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT WINS THE

          MEGA BOWL!
          Victory. All the Tropics go crazy, screaming, they pile on
          top of each other at center court.
          The crowd is going nuts. Wheelchair Darren and Jody roll out
          onto the court. Dukes jumps into the pile of players. Lynn
          has tears in her eyes.
          In the madness. LUCY MOON finds her husband, Jackie.

          LUCY MOON
          Jackie!

          

          

          

          

          121.

          JACKIE MOON
          Lucy?

          LUCY MOON
          Kiss me, you hero.

          JACKIE MOON
          My Mom says you're a bad lady. She
          says your vagina is for sad people.

          EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          Tropics fans pour out onto the streets from the sports bars
          and immediately start smashing shit. It's a total riot.
          A group of Flint COPS see the riot, then FLIP THEIR OWN COP

          CAR OVER.

          INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS

          The team is still celebrating, going crazy at center court.

          CLARENCE, MONIX AND JACKIE ARE ALL HUGGING EACH OTHER AMONGST

          THE CHAOS.

          JACKIE LIFTS A GIANT TWELVE FOOT GOLDEN TROPHY IN THE AIR.

          CLARENCE
          Wait, there really is a trophy?

          JACKIE MOON
          Hey, it's the Mega Bowl.

          VICTORY. IN THIS MOMENT, ALL THREE OF THEM SEE THE BEAUTY IN

          WHAT THEY'VE ACCOMPLISHED.

          CLARENCE
          We did it.

          FREEZE FRAME ON JACKIE, MONIX AND CLARENCE LIFTING THE TROPHY

          TOGETHER.

          THE END

          BEGIN END CREDITS.
          As Credits roll, we hear a voice...

          ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
          With their first pick in the 1977
          NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets
          select...

          

          

          

          

          122.

          INT. NBA DRAFT - SIX MONTHS LATER

          The NBA draft is crowded with businessmen and fans.

          DRAFT ANNOUNCER
          .Shit, bitch, you be fine...
          Clarence stands up, happy, and walks on stage.
          He holds up a uniform with words: SHITBITCH U.B. PHYNE on it.
          REVEAL: In the crowd, Monix claps, cheering Clarence on... He
          is with wife, LYNN.
          But now Monix stands up and walks on stage too. He puts a NEW
          YORK NETS hat on.

          DRAFT ANNOUNCER
          Here to welcome him is rookie Nets
          coach, Ed Monix.
          Monix and Clarence shake hands for the cameras.

          CLARENCE
          Thanks for bringing me on board,
          coach.

          MONIX
          All the good players were gone.

          CLARENCE
          Do we really have to live in New
          Jersey?

          MONIX
          Just smile for the cameras,
          Shitbitch.

          INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

          Jackie is in a recording studio, playing the synthesizer.
          plays some beats, then hits the keyboards.

          TITLE: JACKIE MOON WENT ON TO WRITE AND RECORD HIS OWN

          ORIGINAL SONG.
          We recognize Jackie's song as the most familiar song in the
          world. It's Gary Glitter's 'Rock N' Roll Part II' the most
          famous sports-stadium standard in history.

          JACKIE MOON
          (singing Gary Glitter)

          HEY!

          

          

          

          

          123.
          (waiting for the beats)

          HEY!
          (waiting for the beats)

          HEY!

          TITLE: HIS SONG WOULD LATER BE STOLEN BY GARY GLITTER AND

          PLAYED IN STADIUMS ACROSS THE GLOBE.

          JACKIE MOON
          (singing Gary Glitter)

          HEY!
          (waiting for the beats)

          HEY!
          (waiting for the beats)

          HEY!
          The song ends. The recording engineer pipes in.

          RECORDING ENGINEER
          Sounded pretty nice.

          JACKIE MOON
          Yeah, that was a great take. Play
          that back for me, would you?

          RECORDING ENGINEER
          Listen, can you take that ring off
          for a little while? I'm getting
          some feedback from your microphone.

          ECU: JACKIE WEARS A HUMONGOUS FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS FOURTH

          PLACE DIAMOND RING.
          Jackie studies his ring with a smile.

          JACKIE MOON
          Sorry Robert, the ring stays on.

          MUSIC CUE: 'SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING' BY PEACHES & HERB.

          END CREDITS CONTINUE.