Semi-Pro Movie Script
SEMI PRO Written by Scot Armstrong June 2006 FADE IN: EXT. THE STAPLES CENTER - PRESENT DAY We hear the faint sounds of a crowd cheering on Kobe Bryant. The real Bob Costas does narration. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) Before the NBA was the NBA, there was another basketball league in America... DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: This is real ABA footage. A series of great plays are made by ABA stars. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) .From 1967 to 1976, there was the American Basketball Association. A maverick minor-league that would change the game forever. The ABA made the fast break FAST... Invented the three point shot... And introduced the world to something called the Slam Dunk Contest. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Dr. J launches from the foul line and dunks in the world's first dunk contest. David Thompson finishes an Alley Oop. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) Singer Pat Boone owned the Oakland Oaks. Wilt Chambelain coached the Conquistadors. I myself was the young voice of the St. Louis Spirits. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A young Bob Costas broadcasts from St. Louis, looking pretty sweet in side burns and a tweed jacket. BOB COSTAS (V.O.) Players like Dr. J, Ice-man George Gervin and Moses Malone were as entertaining as they come. But despite the league's flair, convincing fans to show up for games was often a struggle. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The infamous TV interview where Freddy Lewis wins a 'race horse.' Footage of 'Dime Beer Night.' Footage of the Kentucky Colonials fielding a cheerleader as one of their starting five. 2. BOB COSTAS (V.0. ) For owners, promotional ideas became an art form all to themselves. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: The Miami Ball Girls dance in bikinis (In truth, some of the girls were still in high school). BOB COSTAS (V.0.) One night, the Nets went as far as to give a free gerbil to it's first fifty fans... There were plenty of punches too, giving the National Hockey League a run for it's money. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: A guy elbows Connie Hawkins, who turns and punches the guy in the face. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) Yes, the ABA had a style all it's own. The hair was big, the shorts were short and the ball was red, white and blue. DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE: Harry 'The fat Mexican guy' dances. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) In 1976, rumors of a merger spread throughout the league. In the end, only four teams would join the NBA and survive. QUICK CUTS: THE PACERS. THE NUGGETS. THE NETS. THE SPURS. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) Teams like the Kentucky Colonels and the Virginia Squires would disappear forever. But their spirit still lives on to this day. EXT. A BASKETBALL STADIUM - 1976 We hear a crowd going crazy. BOB COSTAS (V.0.) Here, we present the legend of the ABA... Exactly as it happened. Some FUNKY MUSIC plays. BOB COSTAS (V_O_) Except, this Flint Michigan team never existed. 3. (BEAT) And, well, everything in this movie is completely fake. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - DAY TITLE CARD: ANAHEIM AMIGO STADIUM, 1976. CLOSE ON: A logo of a basketball with a sombrero on it. "LET'S GO AMIGOS!" Welcome to the American Basketball Association. A fan chugs his beer and throws some guacamole. The crowd screams and curses at MONIX, mid 40'S -- talented, but past his prime. (There are three leading characters in this movie. This is the old rock. Think Nolte in 48 hours. Cosner in Durham. Newman in Slap Shot). LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) The Amigos are up by one here. They'll need to find a way to stop Monix. He checks the clock, waits... And now drives the lane... MONIX suddenly takes a HUGE HIT, TOTALLY SLAMMED by a big asshole, PETRELLI. He flies into the crowd -- everyone erupts, screaming with glee. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Ooh, Monix gets taken out hard. Some tough love from Patrelli. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) WHAT!? Where's the foul on that? That was all ball. (covering mic, screaming) Jesus Christ Leonard! Let them play for once! This ain't fuckin' Greenpeace! LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Some might say that was a close call, but these referees have done a nice job tonight. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) 'Oh please. These refs SUCK. Still stuck in the crowd. Monix struggles to get back on the court. The crowd shoves him around, twisting his ankle, slapping him. The crowd is nuts. 4. DRUNK LADY Hey Monix, want a sip? Monix is confused, until the woman throws the beer in his face. DRUNK LADY (smart ass) Oops. She and her friends laugh. Monix says nothing. Instead, he holds his aching back and limps up to the foul line, annoyed. PATRELLI (SMILING) Sorry, Monix, I got pushed. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Well, it looks like the Amigos are in trouble here. Monix is a ninety percent shooter, if he can hit both of these free throws, it's over. Monix performs his ancient free throw ritual: Three dribbles and a quick spin of the ball. But he MISSES. DRUNK LADY HA. NICE SHOT MONIX! YOU FUCKIN' SUCK, MAN! YOU SUCK DONKEY DICK. Again, Monix ignores the drunk lady. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) They dodged a bullet there. But Monix still has one last chance to tie it up. Monix focuses on his ritual again. DRUNK LADY WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHOOT THE BALL YOU PUSSY! Monix aims at the basket, about to shoot, but then suddenly WHIPS THE BALL HARD AT THE LADY, PEGGING HER IN THE FACE. DRUNK LADY AHH! LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) (re: nailing the girl) And the second free throw sails wide. 5. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) Yes! He just pegged a chick! That's the greatest thing I've ever seen. The lady runs on court and attacks Monix, her boyfriend jumps in -- Monix hits her boyfriend with some quick hockey punches. The benches clear, everyone is punching everybody. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) (re: violent fist fight) And we've got a little bit of pushing and shoving under the basket. What do you make of this, Lou? LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) I'm goin' in. Lou Redwood takes his headphones off, climbs over the announcer's table and jumps into the fight. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Alright then. (BEAT) More on this Amigo victory, right after this message from Colt 45. INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER Monix is beat up pretty bad. He dabs his cut with toilet paper. SCHNACK (O.S. ) Want one? SCHNACK, the owner, carries a six pack of Schlitz. MONIX I'll take two. Schnack hands them over. Monix might speak, but he drinks instead. SCHNACK So, Monix. The trade went through. MONIX Really? (BEAT) For who? 6. SCHNACK You know, you're not exactly a spring chicken anymore... MONIX Just tell me. SCHNACK That score board. ANGLE ON: Pieces of an old scoreboard are crammed into the back of the locker room. SCHNACK It's a Magnovox. (BEAT) Tell me: What the Hell did you want to get traded back to Flint for, of all places? Please tell me this isn't about Lynn. MONIX You still owe me $400. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - NIGHT A wide shot of the Flint Michigan skyline. TITLE CARD: FLINT, MICHIGAN ECU: AN OLD TV. A COMMERCIAL PLAYS: Super-cool CLARENCE WITHERS, 20's African-American, walks around a pet store. This guy is all flash. He spins a ball on his finger, but he's more Bootsy Collins than Dr. J. CLARENCE (V.0.) (on TV) Don't get all lonely on me people, get yourself a dog or a cat or some- - (studies a weird animal) Or a couple of these, from PET GALAXY. When I'm not dribbling between my legs or sinking jump shots, I'm buying animals. And if this isn't thebeststore in Flint Michigan (re:hisafro) I will shave this off.Nojoke. Make a fast break overtoPET GALAXY. And be sure to tell'emSugar Dunkerton sent you. 7. With that, Clarence chest-passes the ball out of frame and smiles. INT. QUINCY'S BBQ - NIGHT WE PULL BACK to see the TV is on inside a restaurant, Quincy's BBQ. REVEAL: Clarence. The guy from the TV is also a waiter in this restaurant. He's taking an order from some customers. CUSTOMER Hey, wasn't that you just now, there on the TV? CLARENCE Yeah, so? CUSTOMER What are you waiting on us for, if you're a basketball star? CLARENCE Who the Hell areyou,the barbecue police? Tell youwhat,I've got the note pad, so I'llaskthe questions: Do youwanta baked potato with that? CUSTOMER The TV said your name was Sugar Dunkerton. How come your name-tag doesn't say that? CLARENCE 'Cause I changed my name, that's why. CUSTOMER WOMAN (reading his name tag) Downtown Funky-Stuff Malone? CLARENCE You like it? CUSTOMER WOMAN I guess it's fine. CLARENCE It ain't fine. (as in smooth) It's fine... 8 A large woman, QUINCY -- Clarence's Mom -- yells from the kitchen. QUINCY HEY CLARENCE! CLARENCE DOWNTOWN! MS. QUINCY I NEVER NAMED NO SON OF MINE DOWNTOWN! CLARENCE THEN I CAN'T HEAR A GOD DAMN THING. MS. QUINCY IT'S SEVEN FORTY-FIVE, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE. CLARENCE Shit. (to the customers) It's been a pleasure serving you. Clarence tosses his note pad on the table and his Mother tosses him his duffle bag. MS. QUINCY And don't think I didn't see those cotton briefs of yours in there. CLARENCE Stay outta my stuff! MS. QUINCY Don't you know our ancestors had to pick that cotton? Get yourself some silk underpants. Have some respect. CLARENCE Panties are silk. Briefs are cotton. I'm out of here. JACKIE MOON (O.S.) Ladies and gentleman, please rise... EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT Welcome to Flint Michigan Fairgrounds Coliseum, basketball's end of the world. This is more like a shitty airplane hanger than a stadium. 9. JACKIE MOON (O.S. ) .For the National Anthem... Of your Flint Michigan Tropics. MUSIC CUE: SOME SERIOUS DISCO BOOGIE INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS WE PAN SOME STILL PHOTOS OF JACKIE MOON IN THE LOBBY. PICTURE 1: The one-hit-wonder, Jackie moon is on an album cover, shirtless, petting a white leopard. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. PICTURE 2: Jackie Moon in Reno, singing with Pat Boone. He holds up his only hit single. PICTURE 3: Jackie is getting married to LUCY MOON. She's the hottest girl in the world. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- PICTURE 4: Jackie hands over a giant check, PURCHASING THE FLINT TROPICS. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT Center court, we finally see JACKIE MOON. He sports a perm, lamb chop sideburns and black frame glasses. He continues to sing this song of his own creation... JACKIE MOON (SINGING) Oh yeah, Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Jackie Moon is a sight to see. His one-hit-wonder is ridiculous. But you have to admit it's catchy. QUICK CUTS: THE RETARDED WORLD OF THE FLINT TROPICS: THE CROWD: Under 100 people are in the stands, but they're high energy. Lots of drinking and dancing. 10. JACKIE MOON (V.0. ) Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. THE BALL GIRLS: They bounce around in shiny-funky hot pants -- dancing cool, but not in sync. When it comes to ball girls, Flint delivers. THE TROPICAL AISLE: A rowdy bunch is decked out in Hawaiian shirts and packed in behind the visiter's bench, looking for trouble. THE SCOREBOARD: The Magnovox has been sold. The Tropics now do it by hand. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy... ANGLE ON DARREN AND JODY: Two kids in WHEEL CHAIRS are parked next to the hardwood, eating nachos and drinking giant cokes. OPPOSING PLAYER (to kids in wheel chairs) Hey there son, what's your name? WHEELCHAIR DARREN Fuck you, Mitchstien. WHEELCHAIR JODY Yeah. Throw any elbows tonight and we'll pound your fuckin' head into the floor. MUSIC CUE: 'TOO HOT TO HANDLE' BY HEATWAVE. With that, the lights go out, PITCH BLACK. A spot light drops on Jackie Moon. JACKIE MOON SO TELL ME FLINT, ARE WE HOT ENOUGH? WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT, LUSCIOUS, FLINT TROPICS ACTION? The crowd cheers, but not all that loud. Jackie looks off screen and nods off screen. BOBBY DEE works some sound effects, dialing up a knob that says CROWD NOISE. The speakers are blown, but they're loud. JACKIE MOON NOW, HERE'S THE STARTING LINE UP FOR YOUR FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS! 11. (BEAT) At ball girl, measuring thirty four, twenty two, thirty six, MELIN- DAAAAAAA. MELINDA shakes her perfect measurements in the spotlight, then does a series of cartwheels. JACKIE MOON I'm living a dream, Flint and I know you are too. (Booming voice again) AT GUARD, from Peoria Illinois, six foot one -- this guy's single and he can cook lasagna, I've seen him do it -- TWIGGY -- MUNSONNNNNNN! Bobby Dee hits the disco ball as TWIGGY trots out. JACKIE MOON FROM SOUTH BEND INDIANA, the man with a heart of gold, his brother's a retard, six foot one, he drives down to visit all the time, at forward, he reads to him, BEE BEE ELLISSSSSSS! BEE BEE ELLIS does a cartwheel into a round off. JACKIE MOON YOUR MAN IN THE MIDDLE. Seven foot two, from the People's Republic of Uzbechistan, he's tall, he's sensitive -- loves candle light and long walks on the beach -- VAKIDIS ROSCOVENSKIIIIIIII! (Vakidis remains seated) Vakidis, that's you man, I called your name. (no response) VAKIDIS! C'mon dude, let's go, get it together. Players push the giant Vakidis out onto the court. JACKIE MOON Now this next guy, where do I start? First of all, that wife of his, she is... Wow. (gesturing re: her chest) CANONS, people. If you know what I'm saying. I don't think she's here tonight, but if she was you'd see what I'm talking about. 12. He's a small forward, the luckiest man in Flint: SCOOTSIE DOUBLE- DAYYYYYYY! Scootsie Double Day 'pops n' locks' his way onto the court. JACKIE MOON AND FINALLY: The man you've been waiting for, six foot four, a solid, meaty, two hundred fifteen pounds, your pre-game announcer, your owner, your coach, your pop singing sensation, but most importantly, your POWER FORWARD... Yours truly... JACKIE M00000000N!!! Jackie takes off his blazer, twirls it, then tosses it off screen. It's game time. At center court, PLAYER/OWNER/COACH JACKIE huddles them up. JACKIE MOON Alright you guys, let's huddle up! (Vakidis is wandering) Vakidis! Where's he walking to? Kong, get Vakidis. A very short Asian man, KONG, nods. The uniform hangs on his tiny body. KONG You got it boss. JACKIE MOON (now huddled up) Let's put on a good show tonight, okay? Let's keep it in the air, keep shooting, look for the baseball pass, launch some early threes to set the tone. Bee Bee, try and do that no-look behind your back thing, I love that, okay? Now let's bring it in. One two three-- EVERYONE (TOGETHER) LET'S GET TROPICAL! REVEAL: An orange cone sits over a puddle on the court. As the Tropics break the huddle, Jackie talks to the overweight FATHER PAT THE REF. 13. JACKIE MOON (smart ass) Hey, you lose weight, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Oh, fuck off. What's with the cone tonight Jackie? Jackie points up to a leak in the ceiling. JACKIE MOON For safety. Just then, Vakidis jogs over, SLIPPING HORRIBLY in the puddle, ripping his groin. BOBBY DEE (V.0. ) (as P.A. Announcer) Okay Tropics fans, it's time to guess today's attendance... Is it A) 9,254. B) 10,506.. or C) 91 TIP OFF: The Tropics gain possession. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. ) Scootsie drops it in low to player- owner-coach Jackie Moon. Known best for his aggressive defense, leads the team in rebounds. He's an animal under the boards Lou. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) You're Damn right. He may not be black, but he can play basketball. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Now, look at this, Jackie waves the rest of his team away, looking for the isolation. These fans are in for a real treat. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) He looks to be setting up his 'Tear Drop from Hades.' LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Jackie is shooting thirty-nine percent from the field, but the crowd always loves to see him go for it. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) He's a true showman. 14. Jackie dribbles hard to the hoop, tossing up a high arcing baby hook. AIRBALL. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. ) Airball. LOU REDWOOD (V.0. ) Yep, a Polish swish. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Scootsie Double-Day gets the offensive rebound and Jackie calls for it again, trying to establish the low post early. Jackie holds the ball, preparing for another 'Tear Drop from Hades'... But now he suddenly gets distracted by something up in the stands. JACKIE MOON (into the stands) HEY! RAVI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN? IN THE STANDS: A Pakistani vendor, RAVI, IS POURING CHEESE ON SOME NACHOS. RAVI What? JACKIE MOON Enough with the cheese already. More chips, less cheese, how many times do I have to tell you? WHISTLE! Jackie's been walking with the ball. FATHER PAT THE REF wears a holy collar with pin strips over it. FATHER PAT THE. REF Traveling. JACKIE MOON Traveling!?... On who? FATHER PAT THE REF On you. JACKIE MOON That's bullshit, Father Pat! Jackie, furious, SLAMS THE BALL down on the floor. 15. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. ) Jackie Moon. The most passionate man in sports. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE Some hot girls in shorts hold up a sign that says 'ALL STAR PARKING.' Ms. Quincy's BBQ delivery truck rips into the lot. Clarence skids to a stop. INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS The crowd looks off camera and suddenly erupts. CLARENCE enters out of the tunnel, he takes a bite of a Hershey bar, then gestures to the crowd, giving the international symbol for 'Let's get funky.' BOBBY DEE (V.0.) Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for Downtown Funky- Stuff Malone! Clarence tosses the half eaten candy bar, wipes his hands off on his jersey and jogs right out onto the court during the game, TAGGING HIS TEAMMATE OUT as if it were pick up. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Downtown, wastes no time entering the game -- tagging out Vakidis Roscovenski. .CLAWS COACH (to the ref) C'mon Father Pat, he's got to check into the game doesn't he? The ref just shrugs. Downtown calls for the ball and gets it. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Downtown dribbles left, then right a little shake and bake through the legs -- double teamed now, he's got Twiggy Munson open under the basket. Downtown, still with the ball, dribbles behind his back, they triple him, he's got Munson and Ellis wide open under the hoop, but look at these moves! The entire other team leaves their men and guards Clarence five on one, but Clarence never passes. His four teammates watch from under the basket. 16. Despite his selfish attitude, it's clear Clarence actually has some serious talent. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. ) Downtown has all five guys on him -- He sprints to the corner and forces up a fade away three... YES! Wow. You think this league's going bankrupt? Well, think again. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) People call him selfish. I call him the greatest show in shorts. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME CLOSE ON: An old-timey photo of a man with a handle-bar moustache. It's been autographed by the inventor of basketball: 'Go Tropics! -James Naismith' The team enters the locker room happy, even though they're losing badly at half time. JACKIE MOON Yes! Nice first half guys! That's what I call Flint Tropic's basketball! (BEAT) I've been telling you all season, we're about to make a run. Flint Michigan is destined for greatness. (at the chalkboard) Twiggy, enough with the bounce passes, let's show some zip. Bee Bee, try not to get fouled so much, free throws take too long. Scootsie, what did I tell you about catching with two hands.? God gave you one hand for a reason: To look awesome. Jackie points to the chalkboard. Where one of his catchy slogans is spelled out. JACKIE MOON Let's stay focused on the four 'D'S' (pointing to the board) Dangerous, Dangerous, Dangerous, Dunks. Remember: This isn't just a basketball team. It's a lifestyle. 17. Everyone claps. Meanwhile, Clarence grabs a bunch of hair products and goes to work. But he notices something. CLARENCE Yo, Jackie, is the washing machine broken? ANGLE ON: A few workers are taking out the washing machine. JACKIE MOON Listen up guys: I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is, we're getting rid of that piece of shit washing machine. The bad news is, everyone does their laundry at home from now on. Towels too. Everyone complains. Boo etc. Jackie turns to BOBBY DEE a 'front office' guy. JACKIE MOON And Bobby Dee, I need you to clean out your desk. BOBBY DEE No. I have kids. JACKIE MOON You're not fired. I sold your desk. BOBBY DEE Oh. JACKIE MOON (to the team) And I'm going to shed a few lockers, so everyone's getting a locker buddy. CLARENCE Forget that. I need my own locker... For the panty dropper. Clarence reveals his 'panty dropper' a brown full-length leather coat. JACKIE MOON Fine. Now, there's one last thing: I've added some depth to the roster. I think he could deliver some firepower. 18. CLARENCE Firepower? Who'd you hire? JACKIE MOON At guard, six one, the hometown kid, from your very own Flint Michigan -- He punches in bunches Ed MONIXXXXXXXX! We hear a TOILET FLUSH. Monix exits the bathroom stall buttoning his pants. MONIX You're out of toilet paper. Monix doesn't receive a warm welcome. It's more of a stare- off. JACKIE MOON Okay, now, I know everyone in this room has probably been punched in the face by Monix at one time or another. (Scootsie fumes) One of you may have even had your collar bone broken, twice. But that's in the past now and- BOBBY DEE (O.S. ) Yo, Jackie, you're on in two. JACKIE MOON Thanks Bobby. (almost to himself) I love half time. (abruptly to Monix) Anyways, welcome aboard. (LEAVING) One last thing: If you see a possum try and kill it. With that, Jackie leaves. Monix faces his team in silence. MONIX So. Who wants to be my locker buddy? INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MEANWHILE It's half time show. Jackie has pulled a lucky contestant from the audience. 19. DUKES, the contestant, is shirtless with jeans, with a star- spangled bandana over a mullet. He plays with a ball a little. A giant five by ten check is propped up, with the words 'TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS' written in glitter. JACKIE MOON Ladies and Gentleman, this man is about to attempt the impossible. The $10,000 full court shot. So, tell me, what's your name? DUKES Dukes. JACKIE MOON Okay, Dukes. You feeling it? DUKES Yeah dude. JACKIE MOON What are you going to spend all of your money on if you win? A shirt? DUKES Yeah man, a shirt. Ha! Whoooo! JACKIE MOON Okay people, Dukes is excited. Let's get some clapping going as he prepares himself for the impossible. (leading the clapping) This is drama, folks! C'mon now, let's hear it! The $10,000 shot people, let's hear it!!! For the first time, Dukes looks kind of serious. He sizes up the distant hoop... JACKIE MOON (doing play by play) He looks ready... And... Here he goes! An uncoordinated baseball pass... Sailing off into the distance... And... SWISH! The crowd can't believe their eyes. 20. JACKIE'S FACE TURNS GHOST WHITE. JACKIE MOON Shit. DUKES YES!!! HOLY SHIT DUDE!!! I'M A MIRACLE!! Jackie is freaking out. Dukes has just won $10,000! Dukes runs around court, shirtless, leaping in celebration. JACKIE MOON (to Father Pat the Ref) Did he step on the line? FATHER PAT THE REF No, it was legal. He made it. JACKIE MOON Who the Hell has $10,000? I sure he stepped on the line, you know what I'm saying? FATHER PAT THE REF (getting the hint) Listen to this crowd. You can't screw a kid over like that. People will kill you. He's right. The crowd is too hyped for Jackie to explain that he's broke. JACKIE MOON (accepting his fate) Fuck me. JACKIE HANDS DUKES THE GIANT CARDBOARD CHECK MADE OUT FOR $10,000, IN GLITTER. JACKIE MOON (pretending to be happy) CONGRATULATIONS DUKES! YOU JUST WON A GIANT CHECK THAT SAYS TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! (faking it to the crowd) LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS THING! LET'S HEAR IT FOR DUKES! 21. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE A beautiful, down to earth woman, LYNN, 30's, is reading a book. In the background, her boyfriend, KYLE, is listening to the Tropics game on the RADIO. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Monix was an All-American at Michigan State, but then went on to a disappointing journeyman career in the NBA. But he did manage to sit on the bench with the world champion Boston Celtics years ago and won a ring. LOU REDWOOD (V.0. ) (on radio) I should hire his agent. Kyle listens to this and yells to the other room. KYLE Hey honey, guess who got traded to Flint? LYNN I don't know, who? KYLE Monix. The word Monix stops her in her tracks. LYNN Monix? KYLE Yeah! He's already got an NBA ring, but he's still playing... In Flint. Can you believe it? LYNN No, I can't. Lynn closes her book, fidgety... KYLE They say he asked to be traded. Who the Hell leaves California to come here? I love this guy. MUSIC CUE: THE BROTHERS JOHNSON 'GET THE FUNK OUTTA MY FACE.' 22. EXT./INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - NIGHT Jackie cruises the streets of Flint in a pimped out Monte Carlo. He's got chrome rims and a gold grill. The interior is wall to wall carpeting. He swigs a beer as he turns. JACKIE MOON (singing with car stereo) Get the funk outta-of-my-face... A SIGN SAYS: THE KREMLIN. Jackie rolls up and parks in a reserved parking space. He rolls up the windows and locks the doors by hand and exits. REVEAL: JACKIE HAS GIANT ICE PACKS TAPED TO HIS KNEES, Patrick Ewing style, right over his slacks. A police officer drinks, in uniform, outside. COP What's up Jackie? JACKIE MOON Not much. COP (re: the big ice packs) Your knees okay? JACKIE MOON Oh yeah. Just icing them down. INT. THE KREMLIN - NIGHT 'The Kremlin' is rocking. The beer is served in cans only. BALL GIRL MAGGIE (O.S.) Hey Jackie! JACKIE MOON Well look at you! You look beautiful. What's different? BALL GIRL MAGGIE I dyed my hair. JACKIE MOON No, that's not it... Did your tits get bigger? BALL GIRL MAGGIE No. 23. JACKIE MOON Don't lie to me. Those things got bigger. BALL GIRL MAGGIE No, they're the same. JACKIE MOON Well, good job. Jackie keeps walking, bumping into MS. QUINCY, Clarence's mother. MS. QUINCY Yo Jackie. You know, that wife of yours has been making out with that Mark Spitz lookin' motherfucker all night. She gestures to a guy who's lip-locked with Jackie's wife. LUCY MOON unbuttons her fur coat. JACKIE MOON Oh. It's okay, Lucy and I've got an open relationship. MS. QUINCY I know that. But he's about to suck on her Damn tits, right here in front of all these people. JACKIE MOON She's hot right? What can I say, we're freedom lovers. (calling off to his wife) Hey honey! Lucy Moon ignores him, only making out harder. JACKIE MOON (to his wife) Right on! (to Quincy) I'm not jealous. It's a sweet deal for both of us. MS. QUINCY Have you ever slept with another woman? JACKIE MOON I could. That's the beauty of it. No ball and chain here. 24. I can just go for it. You know, if I ever get invited to some cool orgy, it's definitely not a problem at all. MS. QUINCY Have you ever been to an orgy? JACKIE MOON Pshh. Are you kidding? When haven't I been? INT. THE KREMLIN - AT A TABLE - MEANWHILE MONIX is hanging out with Bee Bee Ellis, Scootsie Double Day and Twiggy Munson. They all do a shot together. BEE BEE ELLIS I heard Jackie is going to go to some owner's meeting. What do you think that's about? MONIX I don't know, but it can't be good. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey, let's see that championship ring, Monix. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, you promised we could see the ice. Monix takes the ring out. It hangs from his neck. MONIX Look at this piece. It says Celtics right there in diamonds. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Why don't you wear it on your finger? MONIX I don't know, I just like to wear it around my neck, that's all. NOW CLARENCE chimes in without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! I don't make the rules. If they can't cash it, maybe you'll have to go out of state. (BEAT) I would if I could, but if I give you another check, that would be two checks. That would be $20,000, not ten. What are you trying to pull here? (the other line rings) I've got to take this other call Dukes. Bye!-- (hits a button, answering) Flint Tropics hot line... Oh hey Commish ... INT. FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS STADIUM - MOMENTS LATER On the floor, instead of a basketball court, the stadium holds an ice-rink. A 'Welcome to the Flint Ice Capades' sign is being removed. The entire basketball team is on their hands and knees ASSEMBLING THE HARD WOOD. This is a lot of work. Clarence hits his thumb with a hammer. CLARENCE Why do we have to put the court together? SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I guess the Ice Capades sold out. BEE BEE ELLIS Yeah, kids love that stuff. Although, I find the wild-life masks realistic and frightening. CLARENCE Monix should be here helping us. 55. JACKIE MOON (O.S. ) Guys. The guys look up to find Jackie. He does not look happy. JACKIE MOON The commissioner just called. CLARENCE What's wrong? JACKIE MOON I looks like we've got ourselves a situation. We've got some new 'terms and conditions' for this merger deal. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY What'd he say? JACKIE MOON Basically, we've got to average at least 2,000 fans per home game for the rest of the year. TWIGGY MUNSON 2,000 people? Every home game? JACKIE MOON He said the NBA will only take a franchise that has fans. CLARENCE Shit. Winning is going to be hard. But getting 2,000 people to watch is going to be impossible. JACKIE MOON Let's try and stay positive. My Mother always believed Flint was a town of destiny. And I believe that. Now, I've already started work on a huge idea to promote us. CLARENCE What kind of huge idea? INT. THE KREMLIN - DAY Jackie's place is empty. Monix is drinking alone, totally blasted in the middle of the day. He hangs his head, barely able to order. 56. MONIX Two more Johnny Walkers. And another pack of Kools. BARTENDER You could use some fresh air, Monix. You want to take a nap in the back of my truck? MONIX (ANGRY) Just the drinks and the smokes, alright? (BEAT) Do you have any idea where Lynn is these days? BARTENDER She asked me to tell you to quit going to her house. MONIX Well, tell her that's just fine with me. BARTENDER Okay. Sorry man. CLARENCE (O.S. ) Monix. REVEAL: Clarence. MONIX Well, well, well, look who it is. (to the bartender) Brian, I'd like you to meet Jumping Johnny Downtown Funky stuff Boner- time finger-blast Fag-erton. CLARENCE (to the bartender) Johnny for short. (to Brian, re: Monix) Two coffees. MONIX So, what brings you to the The Kremlin? CLARENCE Listen, I know you and I haven't always been the best of buddies. 57. But I've been thinking about what you said the other night. This is gonna be our last chance. If I'm ever going to get into the NBA, it's going to be with the Tropics. MONIX I hate to break it to you, Clarence, but the Tropics will never play in the NBA. CLARENCE So maybe we won't. But like you said, I don't want to look back on this with any regrets. I know what you think of me. But I'm willing to put our differences aside. I'm telling you right now, I'll do whatever it takes to win. MONIX You mean, like, pass? CLARENCE (with a smile) I would consider passing, yes. MONIX Sorry kid. Even if I wanted to play harder, this knee won't let me. CLARENCE I'm not just talking about you playing point guard... I'm talking about you teaching us... Monix could not be less interested. CLARENCE Monix, you know more about basketball than any man who's ever set foot in Flint. Monix drinks, not into it... CLARENCE All I'm saying is, instead of getting so pissed off at us all the time, why not just show us what the Hell you're talking about? Coach us a little. I mean, we can't get any worse. 58. MONIX And why should I give a shit about the Tropics? CLARENCE I know you. You've got all that basketball shit stored up in your head. I know you're dying to pass it down to somebody. Why not us? MONIX What about Jackie? He's the coach. CLARENCE Jackie's got his hands full, trying to sell tickets. He's obsessed. (looking up, re: TV) HEY! IT'S OUR VIDEO! TURN THE SOUND UP! ECU: THE TROPIC'S VIDEO ON TELEVISION. ON TV: The Tropics are performing a video not unlike 'The Super Bowl shuffle.' Each member takes a turn rapping, dancing around wooden palm trees with a smile. ALL THE TROPICS (V.0.) (rapping badly) We are the Tropics hooping crew, running and gunning and dunking on you -- But we're not here to talk no trash, we're just here to do the Tropical Mash -- This is the worst video ever made. All the guys boogie around until Clarence steps forward, taking focus... CLARENCE (V.0.) (rapping badly) I'm Johnny Johnson and I got the moves -- If you try and stop me, I'll just get smooth -- KONG (V.0.) (rapping badly) My name is Kong and I ain't five feet -- But I get more ass than a toilet seat -- JACKIE MOON (V.O.) This is my team, so get to know them -- If you get near the lane I'll yank your scrotum -- 59. ALL THE TROPICS (V.0. ) -- We are the Tropics hooping crew, running and gunning and dunking too -- We're not here to talk no trash, we're just here to do the Tropical Mash -- The ball girls trot out and boogie with them. BALL GIRLS (V.0.) -- They're not here to talk no trash -- they're just here to do the Tropical Mash -- CUT BACK TO: MONIX CAN'T BELIEVE HIS EYES. Either can the bartender. Monix ignores Clarence. MONIX (to the bartender) Two more Johnny Walkers. CLARENCE So that's the way it's going to be? Monix doesn't answer, he just drinks. Clarence gets the hint and walks out. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MONIX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Monix looks like shit, laying on the couch, as if he hasn't moved for days. Apparently he's been drinking and smoking, but not much else. KNOCK KNOCK. Someone's at the door. REVEAL: LYNN lets herself in. Monix is so depressed, he is non-plused. LYNN Looking good Monix. MONIX Thanks. You too. LYNN Ms. Quincy told me the Tropics asked you to coach them. 60 INT. MONIX'S BATHROOM - LATER ECU: A SHARP NEEDLE PIERCES FLESH. Lynn is draining Monix's knee. It looks painful. MONIX I know what it takes to be a real team, Lynn. LYNN (re: his knee) Stay still. (BEAT) And that's the reason you won't coach them? MONIX It doesn't matter. The truth is, I hate basketball right now. LYNN Do you really hate basketball? Or do you hate yourself? MONIX Why would I hate myself? LYNN Well, for one, you cheated on me. MONIX You hate me for that. Not me. Lynn just stares at him. MONIX Okay, maybe I hate myself a little. LYNN You don't wear the ring around your neck anymore. (no response) Where is it? MONIX I rode the bench through the playoffs, Lynn. LYNN Monix, that was greatest moment of your career. And you look back on it like some kind of embarrassment. 61. MONIX Riding the bench was the greatest moment of my career? LYNN You did more than ride the bench, Monix. MONIX What else did I do? LYNN Every practice, you took your team to the limit. I know you did. I was the one draining this stupid knee of yours every night. The Celtics were practicing against you, Monix. And when you ran that scout team, you were running Milwaukee's offense better than their first stringers ever could. Lynn continues the business of disposing fluid into the toilet and preparing another syringe. LYNN By game time, your team knew where Milwaukee was going to be before their own players did. The Celtics made the right adjustments to win that series. And those adjustments came from you. MONIX So, I should be proud of running the scout team? LYNN Dave Cowens put that ring in the palm of your hand. And he told you to wear it with pride, because you were a champion. And he meant it too. MONIX He was being a nice guy. The bench is the bench. LYNN Your whole life, you've bitched about people playing selfish. It takes a team to win, right? 62. MONIX That's right. LYNN But when you're on the team, your effort doesn't count? Is that it? (BEAT) If you weren't on the Celtics that year, would they have won it? MONIX Watch that needle. LYNN Answer me. Would they have won? MONIX I don't know. LYNN Yes you do. You know. Monix looks away for a moment. MONIX Why are you doing this? What does any of this matter, anyway? LYNN What's it matter? You're drinking yourself to death! (BEAT) God, I wish I hated you as much as you hate yourself! Lynn throws the needle. Monix dodges it. LYNN I made sacrifices! How many years did I support you? And finally, after all of our blood and sweat and bullshit together, you got there, Monix! You made it, you won an NBA championship ring. It wasn't just about you, okay? And I'm sick of you acting like you're some kind of joke. You didn't blow it. You're not a fraud. You're not a fake champion. And all the time we spent together, fighting for you to get to that moment, was not a waste! You're a champion, you asshole! (BEAT) 63. But if you want to drink yourself to death, go ahead. Fuck you. With that, Lynn is gone. Monix stands alone in the bathroom, then checks his knee. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLISEUM - NEXT DAY It's practice. But this isn't basketball, it's DANCE PRACTICE. The entire team performs a complicated 'intro- dance.' JACKIE MOON (CHOREOGRAPHING) 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and turn like you mean it -- Bee Bee, Arch that back. Yes. Now, the waterfall... One by one, each dips down like a waterfall. And now a leg kick. JACKIE MOON Nice leg kick Kong. Those flexible hips are a coach's dream. (BEAT) Now big finish -- and freeze. And then we start the game after that. CLARENCE Are we going to practice or what? JACKIE MOON This is practice, okay Clarence? We need to get two thousand people in here! Our intro dance has to blow people's minds. He begins pacing around, more passionate than ever... JACKIE MOON From now on, I want our afros bigger... And shinier ... . I want our shorts shorter... And tighter... We're going to pull our tube socks up higher than we ever have before. The team seems to be looking off screen. JACKIE MOON What's wrong? 64. REVEAL: Monix has been watching this whole thing. With Monix on the court, everyone feels kind of stupid. JACKIE MOON Hey, you're back! Listen, you should probably chalk your hands up for this number. CLARENCE Jackie, I asked Monix to coach us. JACKIE MOON Coach? Jackie is totally thrown by this. He looks around at the team. Clearly, a decision has been made. JACKIE MOON What do you mean, coach? (truly hurt) What is this? What's going on? (staring his team down) It's a Mutiny. CLARENCE Jackie. Don't be like that. JACKIE MOON Hold on a second. Last time I checked, we didn't live in Flint, Russia. We live in Flint, America. I'm coach until a new one is elected. CLARENCE Don't make us elect Monix, man. (Jackie Moon holds firm) Alright, show of hands. Who wants Monix to step in as player-coach? Everyone feels bad, but they all raise their hands. JACKIE MOON Please God No. TWIGGY MUNSON Sorry Jackie. JACKIE MOON (starting to cry) It's cool. I get it. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. 65. Jackie cries harder. CLARENCE Don't take it so hard, Jackie. You're a great owner. We all know that. JACKIE MOON Woah. Hold on. Did you just say 'great owner?' CLARENCE Yeah. Everyone thinks so. JACKIE MOON Now, when you said great owner, were you just saying that? Because it's not cool to mess with me about this. CLARENCE We mean it. For real. Monix is just more of an X's and O's kind of guy, that's all. Jackie is emotional. It's a bittersweet moment. He takes off his whistle, then walks over and hands Monix his whistle. JACKIE MOON (re: The whistle) Here. You may need this. Now he pulls out a bunch of crazy notes on loose paper written in ball point pen. The pages look insane. JACKIE MOON (handing him papers) And here are some ideas for plays I've jotted down. Just thoughts. MONIX Thanks Jackie. (to the team) The way I see it, any team in this league can put together a run. Most of our opponents are all flash. If we play unselfish, fundamental basketball, we can win games. JACKIE MOON I like it. Unselfish, guys. 66. MONIX Yes. Unselfish. Unselfish meaning tough team defense, full and half court traps, boxing your man out to help the team rebound. (BEAT) Unselfish means sprinting up the floor on every fast break NOT because you can get a DUNK -- and get your DICK SUCKED after the game -- but because if you sprint up the floor you might pull the defense out of position and free a teammate up for a high percentage shot. JACKIE MOON Wait, so, what's going on with the blow jobs? BEE BEE ELLIS I vote we keep the blow jobs. JACKIE MOON (raising his hand) All in favor? Everyone raises their hands in favor of blow jobs. CLARENCE Would everyone let the man talk please? Clarence is serious. This shuts everyone up. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER The starters have gotten into position, guarded by the scout team, in blue jerseys. MONIX The most important work we do on the court is away from the basketball. Monix FLIPS OPEN A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE AND STABS THE BALL, deflating it. This gets everyone's attention. MONIX (re: deflated ball) Until you start moving like a real team, you practice without a ball. 67. He flings the deflated ball into the bleachers and snaps the knife closed. MONIX Alright, Clarence, run the offense. CLARENCE I don't get it. MONIX Set a pick for somebody. Clarence jogs over and stands next a scout team opponent. MONIX Okay, that's kind of a pick, I guess. Try standing on the other side of Scootsie's man, so you free him up to cut into the lane. Monix corrects Clarence, moving his body the way he wants him to stand. MONIX Widen your stance. Plant your feet. Hands back. Like this. Now Scootsie GO. Set a pick for Jackie. Scootsie cuts across the lane. The team slowly gets i rotating faster. MONIX Now Jackie pick Bee Bee's man, and rotate to the rim like this... Everyone move to the open space. And Clarence you swing back out up top. They've completed the play. Monix stands there, smiling. The players look at each other, what's the big deal? MONIX You know what that was? CLARENCE What. MONIX A flash to the high side post with an outside screen and a back door cut. Let's do it again. Ei 8. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey, how come you don't have to run with us? You're a player, just like the rest of us. MONIX I'm saving my knee for the games. Coach's decision. NOW RUN. Clarence sets a screen for Scootsie and they perform the same basic rotation. MONIX (as they run) We're not just rotating, we're clearing out, making space. A pass and cut can change defensive match- ups. Creating seams can give us back door looks. Down screens can make a team vulnerable to penetration. JACKIE MOON Hold on. I'm lost. BEE BEE ELLIS No shit. What's up with all of these fucked up words, man? TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, what are we, building some kind of basketball space. ship? MONIX You don't have to understand it yet. Just run it again. You heard me -- AGAIN. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - DAY - LATER It's many hours later... INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER The team is still doing the exact same thing. Nothing in their moves have changed at all. They're exhausted. CLARENCE We've been running this play for a long time, man. 69. JACKIE MOON Yeah, maybe we could try, like, play number two. MONIX No. We're running this play. We're running this play until we puke. BEE BEE ELLIS Basically, we have. JACKIE MOON Yeah, I'm pretty beat. MONIX 'Until we puke' is not a figure of speech. We are literally going to puke. JACKIE MOON What does he mean by 'literally?' CLARENCE I think he's talking about vomit. BEE BEE ELLIS Not cool. JACKIE MOON Monix, can I talk to you for .a second? MONIX No. No talking. JACKIE MOON Wait... MONIX GO! Jackie hangs his head, but then accepts his fate. He runs. MONIX (as they run) We need to get in shape fellas. And we need to learn some fundamentals quick. -- AGAIN! They run it again, getting more and more winded. -17 0 . MONIX I want you to be brain dead. Because someday you're going to be too tired, or too nervous to think - - AGAIN! And when you are, this is the play I'm going to call. The play that your lungs and legs will have memorized. We will be able to run this in our sleep. Clarence tries to gag himself with his fingers. MONIX HEY! No sticking your fingers down your throat, Clarence, I saw that. You're going to puke. And it's going to be all natural -- AGAIN! DISSOLVE TO: INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER We pan along a row of toilet stalls. Behind the doors, each player is throwing up... INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS JACKIE IS THE LAST PLAYER LEFT. He crawls across the gym floor, dying. Monix screams down at his deflated body. MONIX MOVE MOVE MOVE! FOURTH QUARTER NOW! FOURTH QUARTER! JACKIE MOON You're fired! MONIX Fuck you. JACKIE MOON Fuck you. MONIX Get up and run. You're going to puke like everybody else. JACKIE MOON Monix, I need to talk to you. MONIX We'll. talk after you puke. GO! 71. Jackie can't get up, but he crawls, dying... JACKIE MOON I can't puke Monix! MONIX Yes you can. Go. Jackie crawls harder along the hardwood. JACKIE MOON Monix! You don't understand. I've never thrown up in my life. MONIX What are you talking about? JACKIE MOON I've never puked. Ever. MONIX That makes no sense. Everyone has thrown up before. JACKIE MOON I haven't. I swear to God. I can eat anything. I can drink anything. I've been sick, but I've never puked. I swear to God. MONIX That's bullshit. Keep moving, you're going to puke. JACKIE MOON I don't puke. I can't do it! It's the truth! I swear on my Mother's grave. At this point, Monix can't help but be intrigued. MONIX What about when you were a baby? Babies throw up all the time. JACKIE MOON My Mom said I never did. I swear. She said I was fascinating. MONIX No way. 72. JACKIE MOON You can call my Dad! I've never puked. When Jackie looks up at Monix, it's clear he is not lying. MONIX Isn't that kind of dangerous? JACKIE MOON What do you mean? MONIX What happens if you swallow poison? JACKIE MOON I don't know. I ate bad sausage before. But nothing happened. MONIX Stand up. Jackie manages to stand up. MONIX Have you ever been punched in the Jejunum? JACKIE MOON I don't know. What's a Jejunum? MONIX It's part of your small intestine. JACKIE MOON I don't know. I doubt-- BOOM. MONIX'S POWERFUL FIST LIFTS JACKIE'S TORSO IN THE AIR. ECU: Monix's knowing fist digs deep under Jackie's rib cage. It's the hardest punch ever filmed. ON JACKIE'S REACTION: He stands, beyond pain, empty of any possible air. The blood leaves his face andhis eyesbecome confused, watering strangely. Part of Jackie's brain wants tospeak,buthe feelsunhuman-- his lips separate only slightly. He wanders out of frame. 73. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - LATER - DAY A SIDE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. JACKIE STUMBLES OUT INTO DAYLIGHT, INTO THE GRASS. HE PAUSES, THEN SUDDENLY STARTS RUNNING, BUT STOPS, CONFUSED, LIKE A WOUNDED GAZELLE... JACKIE STAGGERS FURTHER, USING A TREE TO KEEP HIS BALANCE AS HE STRUGGLES TO STAY CONSCIOUS. JACKIE IS ABOUT TO SPEAK, BUT HIS BODY LURCHES. HE HOLDS HIS RIB CAGE, SHOCKED. A SUDDEN FEELING OF FEAR SHOOTS THROUGH HIS BONES. JACKIE MOON (to the sky) Mom? WITH THAT, JACKIE PROJECTILE VOMITS. THE DISCHARGE IS BEYOND BELIEF. A LIFETIME'S WORTH OF TOXINS ARE LAUNCHED OVER A SHRUB. JACKIE WAILS IN DESPAIR. MONIX stands in the doorway, watching this. MONIX You okay? Jackie is about to speak, but then takes stock of his feelings. There is now an air of tranquility about him. Reborn. He's almost Euphoric... JACKIE MOON I'm beautiful. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT An intense game is underway. The Flint team works hard away from the ball. As the Monix voice over continues, we watch the team move just like in practice. Monix is playing too. Note: The team also looks 'hot.' Clarence plays with an even bigger afro. Jackie Moon sports a large perm, striped tube socks and the whitest thighs you've ever seen. MONIX (V.O.) .On offense, we share the ball. We look for the easy pass, not the spectacular pass... Jackie rolls off the pick and looks for it. For the first time in this sequence, we see the ball. Clarence has a clear passing lane -- He feeds Jackie for a lay up. 74. MONIX (V.O.) . If a guy's more open than you are, he gets the ball... Instead of celebrating, Clarence hustles back on Defense. The Tropics execute a half court trap. As we watch Monix play, we continue to the voice over from practice... MONIX (V.0.) .On defense, we're going to learn to play together. We're going to use team traps to pressure people into turnovers. On the in bounds, Monix and Jackie Moon trap an opponent. Monix slaps the ball free. He flips to Clarence who fakes; the fast break dunk and dishes to Scootsie. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Can you believe that? Jumping Johnny Johnson actually passed the ball. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) It was a great pass, too. The other team calls time out. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.) And Jackie Moon has made several great defensive plays down the stretch. I tell you, Jackie's not afraid to knock people around in the lane. He's a monster. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) Like a retard in a China shop. A twenty-second time out on the floor, Monix huddles them up. MONIX (huddling up) Listen up. I'll in-bound. Clarence, protect the ball and penetrate if you can. Kick it out to Scootsie or me and everyone crash the boards hard. Looking good, we're thirty seconds away from taking this one home. Let's bring it in. JACKIE MOON He's right guys. But remember, we want to win, but not by too much. '75 . TWIGGY MUNSON We don't want to win by too much? MONIX What the Hell is he talking about? CLARENCE He's worried about the corn dogs. MONIX What? CLARENCE If we score a hundred points, everyone gets a free corn dog. There are signs everywhere. JACKIE MOON I'm sorry, Monix, but we don't even have corn dogs. MONIX I don't give a shit. We're taking it to them. JACKIE MOON We're up by seven, Monix. Can't we just take it easy? We're talking about a lot of corn dogs here. BEE BEE ELLIS There could be a riot. MONIX I don't give a shit about the corn dogs, okay? We play hard every second. We're running the offense. Everyone got that? Everyone nods. WHISTLE! ANNOUNCER (V.0.) The Tropics are just one bucket away from the magic number. Listen to this crowd. They know what's at stake: A free corn dog. Monix has the ball in his hands. He in bounds to Clarence. Clarence penetrates and kicks it to Scootsie. Scootsie has an open look. He sizes up a jumper... 76. FLYING IN LIKE THE WIND IS JACKIE MOON... JUMPING HIGHER THAN HE EVER HAS BEFORE IN HIS LIFE... REJECTED. SCOOTSIE'S SHOT IS BLOCKED. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Look at this, Jackie Moon has just blocked his own teammate's shot. I've never seen this before. THE BALL BOUNCES UNDER THE BASKET TO VAKIDIS, WHO SEEMS TO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. JACKIE MOON VAKIDIS! NO!!! VAKIDIS TAKES THE BALL AND GOES FOR A DUNK -- LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Vakidis takes it up strong to the basket... BAM! JACKIE MOON TACKLES VAKIDIS INTO THE STANDS. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Ooh. He gets taken out hard by the coach. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) Nice! The ball bounces into the air, rolls around the rim... And DROPS IN. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) And the basket is... GOOD! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE. TROPICS 100 PRO STARS 91. JACKIE MOON Shit. INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - LATER The daiquiri room is crowded with guys. JACKIE is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON I asked you up to the Daiquiri room, because this is a private matter. (everyone looks around) As you know, I threw up recently. 77. It was the first time in my life. And, well, it's made me feel... I guess you could say I've got a new clarity in life. (Everyone stares back) Since vomiting on Wednesday, I've been facing my demons. I'm not going to be an imposter any more. (BEAT) And I want you to know, I just mailed out 562 corn dog coupons. (BEAT) And I'd like to bring somebody special in... DUKES! Dukes walks in. He is still shirtless. Jackie hands him a duffel bag. JACKIE MOON In this bag, is ten thousand dollars. DUKES No way. Really? JACKIE MOON Actually, it's twenty three hundred. But I'm going to pay you the rest. The Tropics will not let you down. From now on, I want my conscience clear. DUKES Wow. Thanks Jackie. JACKIE MOON Can I confess something to everyone? It's something I've never told anybody. CLARENCE What is it? JACKIE MOON You know my song 'Love Me Sexy?' SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Everyone knows that song. JACKIE MOON I stole it. TWIGGY MUNSON No. 7 8 JACKIE MOON It's true. (turns away, dramatic) My Mom wrote it. Three weeks before she died. And I stole it. Even Monix is fascinated by this. BEE BEE ELLIS Wait, your Mom wrote that? Was she a singer? JACKIE MOON No, she wrote it on a napkin. I duped the whole world. I'm nothing but a fraud. (BEAT) It's true, I'm a famous singer. And I've landed the hottest wife in the world. But, to be honest, we usually only sleep together once a year. On VJ day. CLARENCE Damn. VJ day? That's cold. JACKIE MOON (ignoring Kong) And even on that day, I don't feel like it's me who's sleeping with her. BEE BEE ELLIS What does that mean? JACKIE MOON She married me because of my song, but I didn't write it. So sometimes I feel like it's not even me who's with her. (more emotional) Deep down, I feel like it's really my Mom who is making love to her. When I hold Lucy's supple breasts in my hands, they are my Mom's hands. When I eat a pair of edible panties off of her, they are my Mom's teeth. DUKES That's pretty weird. 79. JACKIE MOON I'm living in a prison, Dukes. CLARENCE Why don't you write a song yourself? Then you wouldn't feel like a fake any more. JACKIE MOON Oh please! I could never write anything as brilliant as 'Love Me Sexy!' (standing tall) Listen to me, Tropics. Today is a new day. I am going to be the greatest basketball owner you've ever seen. And we're going to make it to fourth place. MUSIC CUE: HOT CHOCOLATE 'EVERY 1's A WINNER.' MEGA-MONTAGE: THE TROPICAL FEVER SEQUENCE. (Note: The music fades in and out throughout as needed). -PRE GAME: The Tropics do their 'intro dance.' They perform the waterfall down into.a cool pose. The crowd loves it. -TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: They run a fast break weave, Monix makes the layup. Clarence penetrates and dishes to Jackie for a pull up jumper. -THE TROPICAL AISLE: Fat people in Hawaiian shirts go crazy. A lady chucks her nachos at the other team. -RESULTS: The scoreboard shows a Tropics win. -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 182 fans. -MORE INTRO EXCITEMENT: Jackie introduces his starting five. JACKIE MOON (into mic) And at guard, six foot two. Formerly known as Clarence Withers, and Sugar Dunkerton, and Downtown Funky Stuff Malone, and Jumping Johnny Johnson -- He's launching his new name tonight -- Put your hands together for: COFFEE BLACK. Clarence jogs out with Coffee Black sewn into his jersey... 80. -RESULTS: A newspaper shows the Tropics have moved out of last place. -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 406. -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: He's giving away a mountain of cupcakes. A lucky fan stands next to him. JACKIE MOON (into mic) Eric has just won CUP CAKE MO UN TAINNNNNNNNN!!! Can you imagine how that feels? Who wants to see Eric take a bite!? -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 620. -THE KREMLIN: The team parties like it's 1976. The ball girls are looking pretty good. -MONTAGE CONTINUES WITH TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS. As music cranks, Clarence dribbles and pulls up for a little floater. On defense, Jackie rejects a shot. -WHEELCHAIR DARREN AND JODY: Jody wheels right out onto the floor, an opponent flips over her and tumbles. Jody spills out of her wheelchair, totally psyched. OPPOSING PLAYER My God, are you okay little girl? WHEELCHAIR JODY Eat my crippled ass. -RESULTS: Three successive winning scores are flashed in a row. A newspaper shows the Tropics moving up further in the standings. -CLARENCE'S MOM: Quincy is throwing. a party for the team at their BBQ place. She dances happy. -NEW PROMO PHOTOS: QUICK CUTS of the team's new glossy calendar: Mr. January: Jackie wears only a tool belt. February: Clarence lies on a lamb wool rug. March: Bee Bee Ellis, by a waterfall, wears a cardigan. April: Monix, annoyed, holds a rose in his teeth. -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 711. -MONIX THE MASTERMIND: In the meeting room, Monix and the team study film. Monix draws up a defensive scheme on the board. On the court, he gives Clarence an advanced lesson. 81. MONIX Rotate further out from the key, so when you get the ball you can face the basket. You've actually got some moves, so you can penetrate... FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The guys in Hawaiin shirts are out flyering. TROPICAL AISLE GUY Come see the Tropics tonight! TROPICAL AISLE GUY #2 See the biggest half time stunt ever. -MONIX THE PLAYER: Despite his knees and back killing him, Monix plays like a champion. He's still got some jump left too. He knows this is his last run, there's nothing left to save it for. -TRAINING ROOM: Clarence drains Monix's knee. -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Jackie's wife, Lucy Moon, rides a mechanical bull topless. The crowd goes nuts. JACKIE MOON Good job honey! Looking good. -ATTENDANCE: A clicker counts up to 890. -TROPIC HIGHLIGHTS: Scootsie Double Day Scores. Twiggy Munson Scores. Bee Bee Ellis scores. Jackie Moon hits a ill advised three pointer. Monix rejoices, he's actually having fun. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) .Jackie Moon with a three. He's the fourth player in double figures. They're really sharing the ball tonight. -FLINT RALLIES AROUND THE TROPICS: People are buying Tropic's jerseys. -RESULTS: The standings show the Tropics all the way up to sixth place. -FLINT RALLIES AROUND THEIR TEAM: The ball girls are doing a kick line, wearing cute cheerleader skirts. Clarence watches from the bench. 82. CLARENCE Hold up. Are these girls wearing underwear? JACKIE MOON Which girls? (turning around) Oh. It doesn't look like it. Wow. It's true, the ball girls are flashing the crowd with every kick. CLARENCE (MESMERIZED) Nice work, Jackie. JACKIE MOON I didn't do it. They did. Melinda winks at Jackie, as her skirt flips up. The crowd is going goes crazy. -ATTENDANCE: The clicker raises to 906. -MORE PRACTICE: Clarence slams a dunk and does a jig. MONIX Clarence, do me a favor, if you dunk the ball, don't dance afterwords. Act like you've been there before. JACKIE MOON Actually, Monix, I need him to dance. A lot. The fans need it. (BEAT) It's either that, or we play with a monkey. MONIX Fine, you can dance a little bit. JACKIE MOON If you dunk it, go fuckin' ape shit. -GAME TIME. CLARENCE DUNKS THE BALL: He immediately launches into a preposterous celebration: Back flip, 360 spin down to the splits, back up, he and Jackie give each other ten and then do an extended hand jive routine. Now Jackie blows Clarence a kiss, which 'knocks him out flat.' Clarence then poses, elbow on the floor, hand under his head, smiling. 83. JACKIE'S WIFE: LUCY MOON sleeps with LOU REDWOOD. -JACKIE THE PROMOTER: Halftime, at center court, a ramp is set up. Behind the ramp, all the ball girls lay head-to-toe. BOBBY DEE (V.0.) These beautiful girls reach a combined total of 47 feet... And here he comes... Jackie comes ROLLER-SKATING at high speed. He hits the jump -- It's going to be close -- BAM! HE LANDS HARD, POUNDING DOWN ON TOP OF THE LAST GIRL. SHE IS ABSOLUTELY FLATTENED BY THE IMPACT. JACKIE HOLDS HIS LEFT SHOULDER IN PAIN, THEN STANDS AND LIFTS HIS OTHER HAND, CLAIMING VICTORY. THE GIRL ROLLS OVER TO HER BACK, TRYING TO STAY CONSCIOUS. BOBBY DEE (V.0.) How about that! END OF MONTAGE. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NIGHT Jackie is on the bench, mid-game. Bobby Dee is taping his shoulder. JACKIE MOON OW. (Bobby Dee stops taping) No, keep doing'it. BOBBY DEE You sure boss? JACKIE MOON Just keep taping it up. I'm fine. Now the COMMISH (the league official) steps over. COMMISH Hey Jackie. JACKIE MOON Oh, hey Commish. (a little worried) 84. I didn't know you were in town this weekend. COMMISH Listen, my office has been getting your numbers. You claim you've had over two thousand people at every home game this month. JACKIE MOON (dead pan) That's correct. The commissioner looks around, skeptical. As we scan the stands, it's clear the crowd is still not big enough. COMMISH Well, we've counted only nine hundred and eighty three here tonight. JACKIE MOON What, you don't think people go to the bathroom? (Commish isn't buying it) Saturdays can be a little slow. You should have been here the other night, it was SO PACKED. COMMISH Don't bullshit me, Jackie. The commish waves over a little bald man in a suit. PEEKSKILL carries a brief case and never talks. COMMISH From now on, Peekskill here will be attending every Tropics home game. You're going to have to get a real crowd here if you want to qualify for the merger. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY Jackie Moon is being interviewed on a local talk show. INTERVIEWER So, the Tropics will be at a size disadvantage against the Americans. How do you intend to match up with their strong inside game? 85. JACKIE MOON Tomorrow, at half time, I, Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear. INTERVIEWER Oh, well there's something. But, defensively, as a team, do you THINK-- JACKIE MOON --That's tomorrow! One night only! See Dewie the wrestling bear attack me. He's killed people in public before. INTERVIEWER Okay, well, that's some half time show. JACKIE MOON I'M TELLING YOU, NOBODY CAN MISS THIS! IF YOU'RE A CHILD, TAKE MONEY OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S PURSE AND WALK TO FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM! EIGHT O'CLOCK! INTERVIEWER Well, there you have it. Jackie Moon, thanks for stopping by. From channel 5, this is Mick Kenterman, signing off. Good night. JACKIE MOON DEWIE IS INSANE. HE COULD RIP MY HEAD OFF! EXT. LYNN'S HOUSE - NIGHT LYNN carries the garbage out. As she closes the lid, she notices something. REVEAL: Monix is standing in the yard. LYNN Well, if it isn't the toast of Flint Michigan. Shouldn't you be out signing autographs? Monix doesn't speak... He stares into her eyes for a moment. MONIX Will you marry me? 86. LYNN What? MONIX You heard me. LYNN Technically, we're still married right now, Monix. MONIX You know what I mean. LYNN Do I? MONIX Do you love me? LYNN Probably. MONIX Then let's do it. For real this time. I need you. LYNN Shit. I know you need me, Monix. The question is, do I need you? KYLE (O.S.) WHAT'S UP MONIX!? Kyle pokes his head out of the screen door. He wears a Flint Jersey with Monix on the back. KYLE CHECK OUT THE JERSEY, MAN. I'M YOU. HA! MONIX YEAH. HA! (to Lynn) And I suppose you need him? LYNN He's loyal. MONIX Dogs are loyal. 87. LYNN He ain't stupid, if that's what you're trying to say. MONIX HEY KYLE! KYLE YEAH? MONIX CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? CAN YOU GO PICK ME UP A TUBE OF BEN GAY? KYLE NO PROBLEM, I'LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW. Monix and Lynn meet eyes. Lynn tries not to smile, trying to be mad. Kyle pulls on some jeans and gets into his truck. LYNN Don't fuck with him. It's just rude. MONIX (while looking at Lynn) DON'T GO TO THE PHARMACY, KYLE. I NEED A BIG TUBE, THE KIND THEY SELL OUT AT LUGER'S, ON ROUTE 59. KYLE I'M ALREADY GONE BRO. LYNN (eyeing Monix) What do you think you're doing? SMASH CUT TO: INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT Monix and Lynn are HAVING SEX. Lynn is aggressive. Years of pent up emotion are building to a climax... INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Meanwhile, KYLE RE-ENTERS THE HOUSE! 88. KYLE (to the empty living room) What's up. I forgot my stupid walle- -Kyle stops in his tracks. He HEARS a sound he's never truly heard before, Lynn having an orgasm. He slowly walks toward the bedroom. KYLE'S POV: Peeking around the corner, we spy Monix and Lynn still going at it. ON KYLE: His whole body goes numb, his face turns red... We hold on his face until: KYLE Monix? (BEAT) Yes. Still undetected, Kyle settles in to watch the show, still wearing his Monix jersey. Lynn finally looks over and spots Kyle. We can't be sure, but his hand might be in his pants. Lynn can't believe her eyes. LYNN (having sex, whispering off to Kyle) Stop that. KYLE Stop what? LYNN (in pig Latin) Ixne-on-the-erking off-je. Monix finally notices his sex partner is having a conversation. He turns to see Kyle. MONIX Woah. What the fuck? KYLE Monix, you of dog! MONIX What the Hell are you doing!? KYLE Hey, I'm the victim here. I'm allowed to do as I please. This was an honor. 89. LYNN What? Monix stands up, wrapping a sheet around him. MONIX I'm outta here. KYLE Oh, c'mon man. Don't be like that. It's all cool. MONIX Believe me, this is not all cool.' Monix grabs his shit and walks out of the bedroom. MONIX I'll call you. KYLE Okay. LYNN Not you, asshole. He was talking to me. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT NIGHT There's a real buzz in the air. People are pouring into the stadium tonight. Clarence is right outside the locker room, eating a Bit-o-Honey, watching with amazement. OFFICER MILLER Hey is that Coffee Black? I'm officer Miller, State Correctional, I'm a big fan, you can call me Jimmy. CLARENCE Nice to meet you. OFFICER MILLER Jackie Moon ordered up a bus full of prisoners. Any idea where we all should sit? INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS PAN: The PRISONERS are all packed into the stands. Next to them is a huge group of ladies from an OLD FOLKS HOME... Next to a bus load of SICK KIDS from the hospital. 90. ON PEEKSKILL trying to count. There's no use analyzing it, the place is sold out and the fans are going nuts. CENTER COURT: In a wrestling ring, Jackie is in a wrestling singlet, wearing head gear, drinking from a squirt bottle. PAN TO DEWIE THE BEAR, ready to go. CLARENCE, DRESSED AS A REF, is standing in front of JACKIE, messaging his shoulders. CLARENCE THE REF We sold out, man. You did good. JACKIE MOON I'm scared of bears, Clarence. CLARENCE THE REF What? JACKIE MOON I hate these things. I'm freaking out right now. CLARENCE THE REF If you're scared of bears, why the Hell are you wrestling one then? JACKIE MOON Look at this place. We're packed. It was a good idea. CLARENCE THE REF Well, don't worry, you'll pin him easy. It'll be fine. JACKIE MOON You don't understand. I don't like bears. I'm feeling dizzy. Jackie is seriously petrified. Clarence adjusts the collar of his ref jersey and looks around, worried about his friend. CLARENCE THE REF Maybe we should call it off. JACKIE MOON NO. Look into my eyes. (Clarence does) You're the ref tonight. No matter what happens in there, do not stop the fight, okay? 91 These people came to see a show. I've got to make it through at least one round. CLARENCE THE REF Okay, until you finish the first round, I won't call it. Hey, how bad can three minutes be, right? BEAR HANDLER (O.S.) Are you guys ready? The bear handler is a large frizzy haired woman. CLARENCE THE REF I don't know, are we ready? JACKIE MOON Yeah, let's do it. BEAR HANDLER You guys want to give me a safe word? CLARENCE THE REF What's a safe word? BEAR HANDLER It's a word for you to yell to the Ref, so he can stop the match. JACKIE MOON I don't need a safe word. BEAR HANDLER Tell you what, if you get injured or you really feel like you're in danger, yell, um, I don't know... Spumoni. Once I get a signal from the ref, I'll come in. CLARENCE THE REF What's Spumoni? JACKIE MOON It's an Italian Gelato, sort of like Almond flavored ice cream. CLARENCE THE REF Is it good? JACKIE MOON I don't know, I've never had it. 92. BEAR HANDLER It's really good. (Jackie and Clarence nod) Okay, so Spumoni is the safe word then? JACKIE MOON No, I don't need a safe word, okay? Let's just do this. One round. (nodding to the bell man) DING DING DING! The bell has rung. The crowd goes crazy. Clarence assumes his position as ref. Jackie walks slowly toward the bear, frightened. They bear scratches his belly, cute. Jackie immediately quits. JACKIE MOON (re: The scratching) Okay, fuck this. CLARENCE THE REF What? You can't quit already. JACKIE MOON SPUMONI. I'm out of here. CLARENCE THE REF You can't SPUMONI, all he did was scratch his nuts. JACKIE MOON Well, too bad, I'm SPUMONI-ING. PEOPLE START TO BOO. Jackie looks around at the angry crowd. CLARENCE THE REF You gotta give 'em a show. C'mon, the bear seems pretty tired, look at him. It's true, the bear is pretty docile. The bear's indifference gives Jackie a glimmer of confidence. CLARENCE THE REF Just test him out a little. Maybe it won't be so bad. Jackie nods, then hops around with his dukes in the air. Now he does a shuffle for the crowd. After dancing a bit, the bear is still motionless. 93. JACKIE MOON (tapping the bear) C'mon Dewie... (off screen) What's going on? Is he going to-- --THE BEAR MAULS JACKIE. LIKE LIGHTENING, JACKIE HAS ALREADY BEEN TACKLED AND STRANGLED AGAINST THE ROPES. JACKIE MOON AAAHHHHHH!!!!! CLARENCE THE REF Damn. BEAR HANDLER Woah-ho. I've never seen that before. THE CROWD IS GOING BALLISTIC. NOW THE BEAR THROWS JACKIE ACROSS THE RING LIKE A LIMP RAG DOLL. JACKIE MOON AAAHHH!!! SPUMONI!!! CLARENCE THE REF NO SPUMONI. JACKIE MOON FUCK YOU CLARENCE! SPUMONI! THE BEAR IS GOING BALISTIC. JACKIE TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY, BUT DEWIE JUMPS ON HIM, GRABS HIS HEAD AND TRIES TO RIP IT OFF OF HIS SHOULDERS. THIS BEAR HAS LOST HIS MIND. JACKIE MOON (to the handler) SPUMONI! ANIMAL HANDLER (to Clarence) I THINK MY BEAR'S SPOOKED, REF. I THINK YOU NEED TO CALL IT. CLARENCE THE REF NO. ONE ROUND. THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS, TRUST ME. GASPING FOR BREATH, JACKIE IS BEING SUFFOCATED BY A POWERFUL BEAR HUG. 94. JACKIE MOON PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE SPUMONI! I'M BEGGING YOU, CLARENCE. CLARENCE THE REF LOOKING GOOD, BOSS. JACKIE IS HANGING HALF WAY OUT OF THE RING. HE'S NOSE TO NOSE.: WITH THE BEAR HANDLER. JACKIE MOON (screaming at the bear HANDLER) GELATO! ALMOND ICE CREAM! (in Italian) Asta zittu'sto parcnuso spumoni! BEAR HANDLER (to Clarence) WE HAVE TO STOP IT! CLARENCE THE REF NO WAY! I'M THE REF! BEAR HANDLER (climbing in) Screw this, I'm stopping it. The bear handler tries to get into the ring with a stick and loop. But CLARENCE TRIES TO PUSH THE BEAR HANDLER back out of the ring. DEWIE TURNS TO FIND HIS HANDLER IN DANGER. LIKE LIGHTENING, THE BEAR MAULS CLARENCE. CLARENCE THE REF AAAHHHHH!!! I'M THE REF!!! SPUMONI!!! DING! The first round is over, but the bear does not return to his corner. CLARENCE THE REF THE BELL RANG! SPUMONI!!! MUSIC CUE: 'KING KONG' BY JIMMY CASTOR MONTAGE: SOLD OUT FLINT ROLLS TOWARD FOURTH. The Tropics play awesome. A SIGN SAYS 'SOLD OUT!' 95. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) And it's another sell-out crowd for the Flint Michigan Tropics. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 111 COLONELS 98. AGAIN, THE SIGN SAYS: SOLD OUT! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 90 SQUIRES 81. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Taking it strong to the rim is Coffee Black. Yes! This sold out crowd is going nuts. You've been a little quiet Lou, how are you doing? LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) A Mexican stole my bike. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 92 AMERICANS 87. ON THE SIGN: SOLD OUT! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: TROPICS 105 CONQUISTADORS 91. The team celebrates the win. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) And, believe it or not, the Flint Tropics are in perfect position to qualify for the NBA merger. If they win their final game, they'll clinch fourth place. But nothing is ever easy against the first place San Antonio Spurs. As Jackie does a victory dance, the commissioner approaches. COMMISH Jackie. JACKIE MOON Oh, hey Commish. Good game huh? And a packed house too. COMMISH I need to talk to you... And the rest of your team. Alone. INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT The whole team stands solemnly. 96. COMMISH I'm sorry, but even if you beat the Spurs on Friday, we just can't have an NBA franchise in Flint. MONIX What are you saying? COMMISH It's just not good business. Flint isn't a big enough media market, okay? This stadium is small and, frankly, it needs to be torn down before someone gets hurt. I'm sorry but nobody ever thought you guys could ever get this far. CLARENCE Well tough shit. This team did make it this far. Rules are rules. COMMISH Rules are rules... Until the expansion committee makes new rules. Then those rules are the rules. Everyone looks at each other. Jackie's brain has slipped into a deep trance. He is no longer inside his body. COMMISH Don't take this personally, Jackie. These other teams have strong markets, new stadiums. It's just not going to happen for you Flint boys. I'm sorry. The devastation of what is happening is palpable. Nothing has ever hurt this bad before. COMMISH I know you're going to punch me, Jackie. So let's just get it over with. The commissioner stands brave, eyes closed, chin out. Jackie is too confused and devastated to hit anything. He stumbles out of the room like a zombie. The team follows. The commissioner opens his eyes. A long silent beat... 97. COMMISH (to himself) How did I get out of that one? Suddenly KONG darts in and squeezes the commissioner's balls with a kung fu grip. COMMISH Ah! EXT. FLINT TROPICS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER - NIGHT The team files out into the parking lot, totally devastated. TWIGGY MUNSON This can't be happening. BEE BEE ELLIS They can't just do this, can they? SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY We can get a lawyer, dude. We can fight this!... Can't we?... Monix? Monix just looks to the ground, as in 'it's over.' BEE BEE ELLIS Jackie... Please... Say something. Jackie opens his mouth... He tries to speak, but he can't. BEE BEE ELLIS Are you crying? JACKIE MOON I don't know. (contorting his face) I'm trying to. (looking to the sky) I wish I could just puke this away. (to Monix) Do it to my Jejunum, Monix. Help me. But Monix is leaving. He turns and walks off, alone down the dark street... The others walk away too... JACKIE MOON Wait! Monix! Where is everyone going?... 98. MUSIC CUE: 'IT'S TOO LATE' BY ISAAC HAYES. MONTAGE: PLAYERS OF FLINT ARE DOWN AND OUT. -CLARENCE walks alone along the river. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) In an American Basketball Association policy shift, it seems the Flint Tropics will not be playing for an NBA birth after all... -BEE BEE ELLIS stands in the middle of the Tropics court, upset. -JACKIE walks, sad, along the streets of Flint -- Now he suddenly picks up a pipe and SMASHES THE WINDSHEILD of an innocent truck. He turns and TACKLES A GARBAGE CAN. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Friday's match-up against the first- place San Antonio Spurs will be the Tropics final basketball game... -SCOOTSIE DOUBLE DAY finishes spray-painting the words 'BULLSHIT' on a wall. REVEAL: He is in his own child's nursery room. The baby starts crying. -The TROPICAL AISLE guys are fat and shirtless, burning their Hawaiian shirts outside the stadium. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) And if that news wasn't bad enough for the Tropics, we've just been informed that Coffee Black, the team's top scorer, has been traded to the Spurs. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) At least someone from Flint is on his way to the NBA next year. DISSOLVE TO: INT. THE THE KREMLIN - CONTINUOUS MONIX is back on his bar stool, drinking and smoking, it's been a long night. Now CLARENCE ENTERS the Kremlin... And makes the long walk over to sit next to Monix. 99. CLARENCE Thought I might find you here. (long beat) I got traded. MONIX Yeah, I heard. CLARENCE I guess the San Antonio Spurs are picking up the players they want, before we're eligible for the expansion draft. MONIX Coffee Black, going to the NBA... CLARENCE They won't let me finish out with the Tropics. So, we'll be playing against each other in the last game. That's pretty weird. MONIX It won't be weird. The game doesn't count. CLARENCE Listen I'm sorry about-- MONIX Don't be sorry. CLARENCE I mean, I just want to say that, this year, you really-- MONIX --DON'T. Alright? Just don't. Clarence stares at him. Then eventually stands up to leave. There are a million things he wants to say, but he says this: CLARENCE We worked so hard. MONIX Well, it was all for nothing. CLARENCE So, that's just it then? 100. MONIX That's just it. Clarence shakes his head and walks out. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING The morning sun shines down on the sad town of Flint. Monix walks home in the street. He stops and TAKES A LEAK right in the middle of the road. A car honks at him to get out of the way, then skids to a stop. Lynn pokes her head out of the car. LYNN What the fuck are you doing? MONIX Oh. Hey Lynn. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY Monix is on the couch, drunk. He gazes at the TV and swigs his beer. Now LYNN walks in. LYNN I thought the deal was, you were going to sleep. MONIX Pshh. Relax. LYNN So, you're just going to sit here in my house and drink for the entire day? MONIX You got a problem with that? LYNN Yeah, I do. Maybe you could put some pants on and go piss off somebody else. MONIX Fine, maybe I will! (STANDING) Where are my pants? 101. LYNN Tell me something, Monix- MONIX No. LYNN Whatwereyou trying to accomplish thisyear?You never really gave a shitaboutthat NBA merger, did you? Monix doesn't say anything. LYNN The merger, Monix, did you ever care about it? Monix still stays quiet. LYNN Tell me, if you didn't care about the merger, what the Hell were you playing for!? MONIX I wanted fourth place! Okay? That was the whole fucking thing! LYNN Well, guess what! Fourth place is still sitting there, waiting for you to win it! Monix doesn't look at her. LYNN Think about it. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - DAY A wide shot of an alley. We hear a familiar voice off screen. JACKIE MOON (O.S.) (singing bizarre) Baby, who wants to- love me sexy! baby, Ugh, are you ready to; lick me sexy!!!? Yeah yeah!! HA! INSIDE A DUMPSTER, REVEAL: Jackie lays in garbage and sings up to the sky. It's official, he has lost his mind. 102. JACKIE MOON (tweaking the lyrics) I'm a big faker and I stole this; Song-ly sexy. I'm the biggest failure in the; world-ly sexy. I'm going to kill my; self-y sexy. BEE BEE ELLIS (O.S.) Jackie? Bee Bee Ellis hears Jackie voice and discovers him in laying the garbage. Jackie ignores his teammate. JACKIE MOON I'm going to hang myself with an extension; cord-y sexy. BEE BEE ELLIS Jackie! What the Hell are you doing in a dumpster? JACKIE MOON (ignoring Bee Bee) I am urinating in my pants right now. BEE BEE ELLIS You gotta get it together, man. Monix called a team meeting. INT. THE KREMLIN - LATER DAY The entire team has gathered. Monix addresses them. MONIX Listen up. We all know that Clarence has been traded. And we all know that this game doesn't matter anymore, right? BEE BEE ELLIS Right. MONIX Well I've got news for you. This game does matter. It matters because this is the last real basketball game any of us is ever going to play. Ever. The guys nod, solemn. 103. MONIX Tomorrow night, I say we leave it all out there on the floor. Because there's nothing else for us to save it for. Clarence or no Clarence. NBA or no NBA. Merger or no merger. We decided we are going to win fourth place. And that's what we're going to do. Jackie is moved. The guys look at each other and nod. MONIX Over the past five weeks, we've become a team. And that is no small thing. Jackie, have you ever been on a real team before? JACKIE MOON No sir. MONIX How does it feel? JACKIE MOON It feels pretty good. MONIX All your lives, you've dreamed of playing in the NBA. Well, guess what? Tomorrow night, you are. You're playing an NBA team. And for one night, the world is going to know that you belong. (BEAT) Look, I tried to pretend like it didn't matter to me if we made it to fourth or not. Monix turns inward, speaking with an emotion that is pure. MONIX But the truth is, I want this more than anything I've ever wanted in my whole fucked-up life. (BEAT) And I think you do too. I think you can taste it. Because we earned this. We made this happen. And we're four quarters away from making our dreams come true. 104. JACKIE MOON LET'S DO THIS! BEE BEE ELLIS YEAH! LET'S GO! MONIX JACKIE, YOU'VE GOT ONE MORE GAME TO PROMOTE! (to the team) LET ME HEAR IT! FOURTH PLACE! EVERYONE FOURTH PLACE! Pumped, they jump around, ready to make their own history. MONIX FOURTH PLACE! EVERYONE FOURTH PLACE! INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT A sports show host is interviewing Jackie. JACKIE MOON The Spurs may be the #1 team in the league, but they're going to have to prove it on Friday night. TV ANNOUNCER Since this game doesn't count, Jackie. What exactly is your motivation? JACKIE MOON (with a gleam in his eye) We.'re going to win this game, because we want it. It's as simple as that. That alone should make people want to show up and root for us. Jackie and the announcer look at each other for a long moment of silence... JACKIE MOON Plus, this is the FLINT MICHIGAN MEGA-BOWL! 105. TV ANNOUNCER What? JACKIE MOON Save your ticket stubs, the mega- bowl is an historic event. TV ANNOUNCER I'm not sure I understand. JACKIE MOON It's a Mega-Bowl. What's not to understand? TV ANNOUNCER This game has no effect on-- JACKIE MOON --The Mega Bowl trophy is twelve feet high. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. TV ANNOUNCER I'm sorry, but this sounds like something you just made up. JACKIE MOON Well, I didn't. TV ANNOUNCER Well, it doesn't make any sense. They're just words. JACKIE MOON Oh please. You're just words. (directly at camera) COME SEE THE FLINT TROPICS RAISE THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY HIGH ABOVE OUR HEADS. WE'RE NOT JUST GOING TO FINISH IN FOURTH, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE HOME THE MEGA BOWL TROPHY. TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8 O'CLOCK! EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN - MORNING The sun rises above the city. In the morning light, Flint looks almost electric. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FRIDAY NIGHT The parking lot is rocking. The whole town is jazzed for the big event. 106. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) if the commissioner is listening, I recommend he stay out of the city of Flint tonight. He's not too popular in this town. LOU REDWOOD (V.O.) i will stab him in the stomach with an eight inch hunting knife. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) There were many wild protests in Flint this week. But it seems like the whole city is now focused on beating the San Antonio Spurs. This team seems to have captured every heart in this town of underdogs. People have poured in from around the state to support this drive toward their first mega-bowl championship. INT. SPURS LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Clarence is getting dressed in the visitor's locker room. He holds up a Spurs Jersey and now pulls the strange colors over his head. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.O.) The Flint Tropics will be playing without their number one scorer, Coffee Black tonight. The Spurs have signed several new players from around the ABA, locking them in before they hit the free market in next year's expansion draft. The .big man, Pete Petrelli has been sent over from the dismantled Anaheim Amigos. Now Petrelli enters frame. The guy we hate has been traded to the Spurs too. PETRELLI We may be teammates, but I still think you're a dick. CLARENCE Thanks Petrelli. 107. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS WHEELCHAIR DARREN and JODY take their positions next to the court. DUKES sits in the stands. QUINCY wears a new fur coat, sitting center court. The TROPICAL AISLE cheers, rowdy. The BALL GIRLS look almost nervous. You can feel the excitement. And now entering, by herself, standing in the back, is LYNN. She takes a deep breath. INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Monix addresses the team. MONIX You want to know what I love? This. The eleven of us right here, right now, waiting for the biggest game of our lives to begin. (BEAT) I want you to remember something. I want you to remember what this feels like, to be here in this locker room together, one last time, shoulder to shoulder with these men. Because we are not ourselves tonight. We are one. This is what I love. (BEAT) Let's play basketball. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LATER The game is well under way. It's full tilt action. It's immediately clear that the Tropics are being over powered. QUICK CUTS: PETRELLI knocks over Monix and scores. -The Tropics offense is getting shut down. -Jackie gets a rebound, but then dribbles off his ankle. -The fans are disappointed. The guys in the Tropical Aisle are all bummed out. Wheelchair Jody looks pissed. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Not a good first half for the Tropics so far. They're already down by ten. ON CLARENCE: He sits on the Spurs bench. 108. SPURS COACH Coffee Black, you're going in. CLARENCE I can't. I've got back spasms. The coach stares him down, then picks another player. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) This is easily the worst half of basketball the Tropics have ever played. And that's saying something. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) Yep. It's a shit fucking sandwich. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Let's watch the F-bomb, Lou. We're live. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) Oh, please, this is our last game. I can say whatever I want. Watch this: I hope Gerald Ford gets ass raped. LIVE TROPICS RADIO Okay then. We've got just fifteen seconds left in the first half... Here's Monix with a no-look to Jackie... He goes up strong-- SLO MO: PETRELLI FLIES IN AND ELBOWS JACKIE HARD IN THE HEAD. SLO MO: JACKIE'S HEAD SNAPS BACK... SLO MO: JACKIE FALLS TO THE HARDWOOD, UNCONSCIOUS, HE BOUNCES OFF THE FLOOR. LYNN Oh my God. Everyone in the stadium watches as Jackie lays out cold. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) I've never seen anyone take a hit quite like that before. This looks serious. CLARENCE looks worried from the Spurs bench. 109. CLARENCE JACKIE! SPURS COACH Do not leave this bench, Coffee. BEE BEE leans over Jackie, worried. BEE BEE ELLIS Jackie? You awake? FATHER PAT THE REF Bring in the stretcher! BEE BEE ELLIS We don't have one. LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) I don't want to speculate, but I'm pretty sure he's dead. MONIX gets in Petrelli's face. MONIX What are you trying to prove Petrelli? You afraid to play basketball? PETRELLI Hey, check the scoreboard. Monix attacks Petrelli. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Now Monix is after Petrelli. This is total chaos. FATHER PAT THE REF (to the clock man) Let those fifteen seconds run out! (to everyone) It's half time! Everyone off the court! LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) And at half time. It's the Spurs 60, the Tropics 29. The guys carry Jackie off the court and into the locker room. ON CLARENCE: He's had enough. He stands up and begins walking across the court, to join the Tropics. 110. SPURS COACH Where the Hell are you going? CLARENCE I'm going to my team. SPURS COACH This is your team. You are not leaving this bench. From the front row, the COMMISSIONER hears all of this and stands up, surrounded by security guards. COMMISH You sit down! You're not playing with those idiots ever again. If you walk away from this bench now, you're never coming back. I'll see to it you never play in the NBA! Ever! Do you understand what I'm saying to you, Coffee? CLARENCE My name ain't Coffee. It's Clarence. With that, Clarence walks across the floor. The crowd erupts. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Look at this. Coffee Black is walking over to the Tropics. This crowd is going crazy! Clarence takes off his Spurs jersey and throws it into the crowd. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie is laid out on a bench. Scootsie pours a bucket of water on him. It doesn't work. Everyone looks worried. Clarence enters the locker room. TWIGGY MUNSON Clarence! CLARENCE Is he okay? SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. MONIX What the Hell are you doing here? CLARENCE I'm with you guys. MONIX Are you out of your mind? You want to lose your NBA contract? Get out of here. CLARENCE No. MONIX You're going to give up the NBA for this? (he is) Well, you're a fucking asshole. (now to Jackie) Jackie. Are you okay buddy? Monix cracks a smelling salt and waves it over Jackie's face. WE PUSH IN ON JACKIE... DISSOLVE TO: INT. DREAMLAND - DAY We're in Heaven. Jackie floats next to his Mother, who wears a white robe and holds a red, white and blue basketball. A basketball hoop hovers behind their heads. JACKIE'S DREAM MOM (in a dream) Now, I want you to go forward, and tell the others what I have told you here today. Do you understand me, son? JACKIE MOON (in a dream) Yes Mother. You are so kind. (BEAT) I'm sorry I stole your song. JACKIE'S DREAM MOM I forgave you for that a long time ago. I'd say it's about time you forgave yourself. 112. JACKIE MOON I don't want to leave this place. It's so fluffy. I miss you, Mom. JACKIE'S DREAM MOM I miss you too, Jackie. Now, you gotta wake up. You're missing the game. JACKIE MOON Oh. I am? That's bad isn't it? (BEAT) Can you make time go backwards? JACKIE'S DREAM MOM Not really. Now hurry up. And don't forget what I said. Jackie walks into the clouds, then turns back. JACKIE MOON Hey Mom, I threw up. JACKIE'S DREAM MOM I know you did, sweetie. INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Jackie wakes from his dream. Confused. JACKIE'S POV: Bee Bee Ellis, Twiggy Munson, Scootsie Double- Day and Kong Yi look down at camera. BEE BEE ELLIS He's awake. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER We're back with Live ABA radio. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) This just in. It sounds like Jackie Moon is up and around the locker room. That's good news for the Tropics. INT. TROPICS LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Monix coaches the team. Jackie rubs his head, not listening. 113. MONIX And I don't care how quick their defense is, we need to move the ball and-- JACKIE MOON --Hold on you guys. I have something to tell you. MONIX What is it? Jackie seems very serious... JACKIE MOON I had a dream. I had a dream, I was in heaven and my Mother spoke to me... She was wearing a flowing white gown... And she showed me a whole new way to score a basket. She spoke to me and said with this gift, you will win fourth place.' BEE BEE ELLIS He's lost his mind. TWIGGY MUNSON We need to figure out what we're going to do in the second half. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, we don't have time for any ghost baskets. JACKIE MOON YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY MOTHER THIS WAY! THIS SHOT IS MAGICAL! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? Jackie's eyes are intense and he's breathing way too hard. This dream was real. Monix tries to pacify him. MONIX Alright Jackie, relax, okay? JACKIE MOON I WILL NOT RELAX! WE HAVE TO USE THIS! IT'S A GIFT FROM THE OTHERWORLD! Monix and Clarence shoot each other a look. Clearly, Jackie is not going to take no for an answer. 114. CLARENCE Okay Jackie, so what's the play? INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLLESIUM - NIGHT The second half is underway. Clarence and Jackie are both playing for the Tropics. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're back in action here at the Mega Bowl. Coffee Black is playing for the Tropics... And Jackie Moon makes the start... In fact, it looks like he's trying to run the offense here... Jackie dribbles at the top of the key, doing a lot of pointing along with multiple hand signals. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) This is a new offense for the Tropics. Jackie dribbles to the top of the key... And... Jackie makes eye contact with Clarence. Clarence cuts to the basket and Jackie throws him a lob. SLO MO: As Clarence leaps, we hear Jackie's voice over from the locker room... JACKIE (V.0.) I had a dream. And in my dream, my mother jumped... Her gown flowing in the wind... And she caught a pass in the air and dunked it, without ever touching the ground... SLO MO: Clarence catches it and slams it hard. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) .She lifted her veil and said 'I call this the Alley Oop.' Everyone stands there, astonished. The other team is frozen. The fans are confused. The ref has no idea what to do. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) .And she said it would change the game forever... The other players are starting to appreciate what they've just seen. 115. SPUR #1 Damn, bro. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Woah. I'm sorry, I don't know what just happened. SPUR #2 Doesn't he have to dribble first? LOU REDWOOD (V.0.) What the Hell is going on? SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey Jackie, isn't that against the rules? JACKIE MOON No. My Mom said it was fine. The whole arena is waiting for Father Pat the Ref to process this information. SPURS COACH C'MON FATHER PAT! HE CAN'T DO THAT! IT'S TRAVELING! WHISTLE! Father Pat The ref waves his hands. FATHER PAT THE REF HOLD ON. STOP THE GAME. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) The ref has stopped the Mega Bowl. FATHER PAT THE REF FOUL ON NUMBER TWENTY FIVE. JACKIE MOON FOUL? I DIDN'T TOUCH ANYBODY! FATHER PAT THE REF WELL, PEOPLE CAN'T JUST FLY IN THE AIR LIKE THAT! THIS CAUSES JACKIE TO LOSE HIS MIND. JACKIE MOON OH, PLEASE! DO YOU THINK MY MOM WOULD CHEAT IN MY DREAMS? FATHER PAT THE REF WHAT? 116. JACKIE MOON SHE'S AN ANGEL! HEAVEN WANTS US TO WIN! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! The other players stop Jackie's attack. Monix steps over and calmly states the facts. MONIX It's not a foul unless you touch another player. And it can't be traveling without first establishing a pivot foot. It's two points, Father Pat, two points. Father Pat the Ref thinks about this... FATHER PAT THE REF I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. TWO POINTS FOR FLINT! The crowd goes nuts. The other team protests. Jackie points to the sky, right through the hole in the roof. MUSIC CUE: THE JACKSON FIVE 'DANCING MACHINE' QUICK CUTS: THE TROPICS ALLEY OOP THEIR WAY TO FOURTH PLACE. -Clarence slams down another alley-oop. Wheelchair Darren and Wheelchair Jody go crazy. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) There it is again, Clarence leaping, and forcing the ball in a downward direction through the goal net off of a high arching pass -- Hold on, I'm being told this is called an Alley Oop. Yes, That's easier to say. -Another Alley Oop! Dukes, shirtless, pumps his fist. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Jackie lobs to Clarence again. YES! Another Alley Oop! The Spurs don't know what's hit them. -Monix double teams and forces a turn over. In the back of the stadium, LYNN can't help but scream. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Monix with a steal-- A long bounce pass to Scootsie Double-Day for a lay-up. 117. I'll tell you, Monix is playing on one leg here in the second half. -Monix cuts off a Bee Bee Ellis pick toward the basket.. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0. ) Monix penetrates-- and-- Wow! He flipped it up behind his back and Clarence slammed it home with one hand! SCOREBOARD: SPURS 100, TROPICS 99 -- : 15 left. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - FIFTEEN SECONDS LEFT Monix's team breaks the huddle and takes the floor. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) In all my years of radio, I've never seen anything like this. The Tropics have fought their way back from a twenty nine point deficit. With twelve seconds left to play, they're down by one point. A basket here could win it. IT'S THE FINAL PLAY: The fans pray. Monix takes a deep breath, then in bounds the ball-- SLO MO: Jackie dribbles, looks up and lofts a perfect pass to Clarence... SLO MO: Clarence flies up for the alley oop slam dunk... SLO MO: At the last second, Petrelli flies into frame and swats it away! LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Petrelli with the rejection! It's out of bounds -- The Tropics keep the ball, with seven seconds on the clock. I'll tell you Lou, the Spurs were looking for that one. IN THE HUDDLE: Monix is yelling above the noise. MONIX (in the huddle) Okay, listen up: They've made adjustments out there. We can't just keep running the Alley Oop, okay? They're keying on Clarence. Everyone looks at each other, worried. 118. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY We're not going to run the alley oop? BEE BEE ELLIS What are we going to run? MONIX We're going to run The Puke. BEE BEE ELLIS The Puke? MONIX Don't tell me you've forgotten it. Everyone smiles at each other. They haven't. MONIX We're going to pick away from the ball. We're going to move to the open space. I won't in bound the ball until someone has a good look. (beat). The Puke. CLARENCE Amen. JACKIE MOON Bring it in! One two three-- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! THE TROPICS RUN THE PUKE: A flash to the high side post with an outside screen and a back door cut. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Monix, looking to inbound... SLO MO: Clarence sets a pick for Scootsie- Everyone rotates. Jackie picks and rolls to the basket, open... Monix zips Jackie a no-look pass... LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Jackie goes up strong... BUT PETRELLI ELBOWS HIM IN THE HEAD AGAIN! WHISTLE! 119. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) No Good! But Petrelli fouls him! JACKIE IS ABLE TO SHAKE OFF THE HEAD INJURY. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) Jackie Moon will shoot two free throws here, his team down by one, with two seconds on the clock. One will tie it. He needs both to win it. The ref hands Jackie the ball. The players take their places along the lane. Jackie steps to the line. The whole arena is on pins and needles. JACKIE MOON (to his team) Don't worry you guys, I got this... (to the ball girls) I am awesome at free throws. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) I'll tell you, I don't remember the last time I've ever seen Jackie attempt a free throw... JACKIE MOON (Louder now, to the fans) IT'S OKAY EVERYBODY. SERIOUSLY. FREE THROWS ARE, LIKE, MY BEST THING. Now Jackie sets up for the shot... BUT, AS JACKIE PREPARES, HE SETS UP TO SHOOT GRANNY STYLE, TOSSING UNDERHANDED FROM BETWEEN HIS KNEES. MONIX What the Hell are you doing? JACKIE MOON What, you've never seen me shoot free throws before? CLARENCE He shoots them Granny style. BEE BEE ELLIS Always has. 120. MONIX (to himself) Shit. Jackie's ritual is insane. He breathes, spins the ball, turns around 360, deep knee bends, touches his left shoulder four times, then SUDDENLY WINGS THE BALL HIGH IN THE AIR. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) The first attempt is... GOOD! IT SWISHES. THE CROWD GOES NUTS... LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) The game is tied. One more and the Tropics win. Jackie does the same ritual. But this time a bead of sweat rolls over his forehead. He is nervous. But he tosses anyway... SLO MO: The Ball floats toward the basket. Flash bulbs pop. SLO MO: The ball bounces off the rim, away from the basket. SLO MO: Monix elbows his way into position for a rebound. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) No Good -- Monix with the put back! SLO MO: Monix catches the ball in the air and re-shoots a fade-away jumper. Swish! MUSIC CUE: 'HOME SWEET HOME' BY CAPTAIN FUNK. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) FLINT WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT WINS THE MEGA BOWL! FLINT WINS THE MEGA BOWL! Victory. All the Tropics go crazy, screaming, they pile on top of each other at center court. The crowd is going nuts. Wheelchair Darren and Jody roll out onto the court. Dukes jumps into the pile of players. Lynn has tears in her eyes. In the madness. LUCY MOON finds her husband, Jackie. LUCY MOON Jackie! 121. JACKIE MOON Lucy? LUCY MOON Kiss me, you hero. JACKIE MOON My Mom says you're a bad lady. She says your vagina is for sad people. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS Tropics fans pour out onto the streets from the sports bars and immediately start smashing shit. It's a total riot. A group of Flint COPS see the riot, then FLIP THEIR OWN COP CAR OVER. INT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - CONTINUOUS The team is still celebrating, going crazy at center court. CLARENCE, MONIX AND JACKIE ARE ALL HUGGING EACH OTHER AMONGST THE CHAOS. JACKIE LIFTS A GIANT TWELVE FOOT GOLDEN TROPHY IN THE AIR. CLARENCE Wait, there really is a trophy? JACKIE MOON Hey, it's the Mega Bowl. VICTORY. IN THIS MOMENT, ALL THREE OF THEM SEE THE BEAUTY IN WHAT THEY'VE ACCOMPLISHED. CLARENCE We did it. FREEZE FRAME ON JACKIE, MONIX AND CLARENCE LIFTING THE TROPHY TOGETHER. THE END BEGIN END CREDITS. As Credits roll, we hear a voice... ANNOUNCER (O.S.) With their first pick in the 1977 NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets select... 122. INT. NBA DRAFT - SIX MONTHS LATER The NBA draft is crowded with businessmen and fans. DRAFT ANNOUNCER .Shit, bitch, you be fine... Clarence stands up, happy, and walks on stage. He holds up a uniform with words: SHITBITCH U.B. PHYNE on it. REVEAL: In the crowd, Monix claps, cheering Clarence on... He is with wife, LYNN. But now Monix stands up and walks on stage too. He puts a NEW YORK NETS hat on. DRAFT ANNOUNCER Here to welcome him is rookie Nets coach, Ed Monix. Monix and Clarence shake hands for the cameras. CLARENCE Thanks for bringing me on board, coach. MONIX All the good players were gone. CLARENCE Do we really have to live in New Jersey? MONIX Just smile for the cameras, Shitbitch. INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY Jackie is in a recording studio, playing the synthesizer. plays some beats, then hits the keyboards. TITLE: JACKIE MOON WENT ON TO WRITE AND RECORD HIS OWN ORIGINAL SONG. We recognize Jackie's song as the most familiar song in the world. It's Gary Glitter's 'Rock N' Roll Part II' the most famous sports-stadium standard in history. JACKIE MOON (singing Gary Glitter) HEY! 123. (waiting for the beats) HEY! (waiting for the beats) HEY! TITLE: HIS SONG WOULD LATER BE STOLEN BY GARY GLITTER AND PLAYED IN STADIUMS ACROSS THE GLOBE. JACKIE MOON (singing Gary Glitter) HEY! (waiting for the beats) HEY! (waiting for the beats) HEY! The song ends. The recording engineer pipes in. RECORDING ENGINEER Sounded pretty nice. JACKIE MOON Yeah, that was a great take. Play that back for me, would you? RECORDING ENGINEER Listen, can you take that ring off for a little while? I'm getting some feedback from your microphone. ECU: JACKIE WEARS A HUMONGOUS FLINT MICHIGAN TROPICS FOURTH PLACE DIAMOND RING. Jackie studies his ring with a smile. JACKIE MOON Sorry Robert, the ring stays on. MUSIC CUE: 'SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING' BY PEACHES & HERB. END CREDITS CONTINUE.