Actor Point >> Movie Scripts >> She's Out of My League Film Script

She's Out Of My League Movie Script

Writer(s) : Sean Anders, John Morris

Genres : Comedy, Romance

Search IMDb : Shes Out Of My League


           
          
          
                              SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE
          
          
          
                                    Written by
          
                           Sean Anders & John Morris
          
          
          
          
          
          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          A dozen or so shadowy people are seated in the darkened room.
          A slide projector dimly lights MR. FULLER, a crew-cutted
          Robert Stack type in a suit, as he addresses the group. The
          current slide is a still from a security video of a blurry
          figure - it could be any of about a billion people.
          
                              FULLER
                    ...So, let's keep a steely eye out
                    for this bastard. (THEN) Before we
                    dismiss, this is your monthly
                    reminder of why we're here.
          
          Fuller advances to a slide of the American flag. Close on
          one of the group - a heavyset bald man in his mid-thirties.
          He politely pays close attention to the presentation.
          
                              FULLER (CONT'D)
                    The American people want to travel.
                    (Slide: Family in front of a fake
                    dinosaur) They want to attend
                    baseball contests (Slide: Fat guys
                    spilling beers as they go for a
                    foul ball) and popular music
                    concerts. (Slide: John Tesh)
          
          Close on another face in the group. A doughy man with three-
          day scruff and a trendily long haircut. He looks bored,
          rolling his eyes at the speech.
          
                              FULLER (CONT'D)
                    They want to be happy. (Slide: People
                    line dancing) But, Security comes
                    first. (Slide: Army soldier with a
                    massive machine gun guards a play-
                    ground) Without security there can be
                    no happy. You are America's front
                    line in the global war on terror.
                    Let's hit the trenches and let's be
                    careful out there. (Slide: TSA logo)
          
          The lights come up and as the group files out we get a better
          look at their uniforms. The TSA agents move out into the...
          
          INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY
          
          The agents take their places, manning the screening
          equipment. We push in on the bald man as he takes up his
          post next to the walk-through metal detector. This is KIRK
          KETTNER. He is not a looker. His uniform only serves to
          highlight his least attractive features but his eyes and
          demeanor are pleasant and kind.
          
                                                                   2.
          
          
          
          The scruffy agent is STAINER. He stands at the x-ray
          monitor. As the bags begin to move through, he does not pay
          any attention, rather he hands Kirk a flyer.
          
                                 STAINER
                    Kirk, bro.     Tonight?
          
          INSERT: The flyer reads, "Wheel in the Sky - a Tribute to
          Journey at Club Vertigo - Every Tuesday Night!" Stainer is
          pictured wearing a massive afro in the band photo.
          
                              KIRK
                    I don't know, Stainer.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, you never come see us
                    anymore. It's been like four
                    months. Time to forget about
                    Marnie and get back on the whores.
          
          Stainer does a sex dance that makes everyone uncomfortable.
          Fuller shoots a stern look from his office.
          
                              KIRK
                    It's not that. It's my Grandma.
                    I'll probably be at the hospital
                    for the next few nights.
          
                               STAINER
                    Oh, shit. I spaced that.   How's
                    she doing?
          
                              KIRK
                    She's hanging in there but it
                    doesn't look good.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, I'm sorry. She's a great
                    lady. That sucks.
          
          A Middle-Eastern man in a cowboy hat is next in line. Mr.
          Fuller appears behind Kirk, taps his shoulder and subtly
          motions to the Arab. Kirk smiles at the potential terrorist.
          
                              KIRK
                    Hey there, Habib.
          
                              HABIB
                        (perfect English with a
                         southern accent)
                    Howdy Kirk. Lemme guess; I been
                    flagged for a random search.
          
                                                                   3.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, sorry. I'll get you out of
                    here quick. You off to Boston again?
          
                              HABIB
                    No, sir. Pediatric convention in
                    Delaware.
          
          Kirk opens Habib's bag.
          
                              HABIB (CONT'D)
                    Kirk, I know you're just doing your
                    job but, for Pete's sake, ya'll
                    know me.
          
                                 KIRK
                    I'm sorry.     It's just...
          
          Kirk gestures to his boss as he zips the bag back up.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Okay, Habib, you're all set buddy.
                    Have a good trip.
          
                              HABIB
                    Thanks Kirk. See you next time.
          
          Fuller again appears behind Kirk.
          
                              HABIB (CONT'D)
                        (to fuller - now in a
                         thick Arab accent)
                    Praise be to Allah.
          
                              FULLER
                    You think that's funny!? You wanna
                    sit in first class or you wanna sit
                    on my gloved and jellied finger!?
          
          EXT. AIRPORT CURB - DAY
          
          Follow a pair of perfect female legs as the woman's heels
          click along the sidewalk, suitcase rolling behind. Although
          we can't see the woman riding on these legs, we can see
          several men stare as she passes by on her way into...
          
          INT. AIRPORT TICKETING
          
          More stares from more men and even a few women as we follow
          the legs to the check-in line. The legs glide to the front
          and stop to wait for the next available ticket agent.
          
                                                                     4.
          
          
          
          From the slightly upward angle, we see two young male ticket
          agents. (One on each side of the legs.) One is black and one
          white; each are dealing with customers. They simultaneously
          notice our woman. They suspiciously eye one another and the
          race is on. Each agent begins typing furiously to expedite
          their current customer in the hope of waiting on her next.
          
          Angle on the WHITE AGENT as he waits on a yuppie couple.
          
                              WHITE AGENT
                        (RUSHED)
                    Okay, how many bags are you
                    checking? Any bags!?
          
                              YUPPIE MAN
                    Is this one too big to carry on?
          
                                WHITE AGENT
                    No.    Carry it on. Good call.
          
                              YUPPIE WOMAN
                    Grant, you don't want to lug that
                    thing all over the airport.
          
          The agent leans back and issues a bothered sigh. He looks to
          his right to check the progress of the BLACK AGENT, who is
          waiting on an old Asian woman.
          
                              BLACK AGENT
                        (RUSHED)
                    Did you pack your bags yourself?
          
          The Asian woman obviously did not understand a word of the
          question but she smiles and nods along.
          
                                ASIAN WOMAN
                    Yes.
          
                              BLACK AGENT
                    Has anyone unknown to you asked you
                    to carry anything onto your flight?
          
          More smiles and blank nods.
          
                                ASIAN WOMAN
                    Yes.
          
                              BLACK AGENT
                    I think you mean NO.
          
                              WHITE AGENT
                    You can't do that!
          
                                                                     5.
          
          
          
                              BLACK AGENT
                    She doesn't know what the hell I'm
                    talking about!
          
                              YUPPIE MAN
                    Where exactly is gate F5?
          
                              WHITE AGENT
                    Just past F4. Have a day now
                    folks. Let's hustle it up.
          
                                 ASIAN WOMAN
                    Sank you!
          
                                 BLACK AGENT
                    No sweat.     Keep it moving.
          
          The Asian woman is not going anywhere. The black agent leans
          into her face and barks once like a dog. Her smile turns to
          fear as she backs away, ending the race in a dead tie.
          
                                 BOTH AGENTS
                    Next!
          
          Reverse to show the woman they were competing for. She is a
          classy, sophisticated, blonde around thirty. Drop dead
          beautiful. She is startled by the sudden call from both men.
          She laughs off her little scare and then randomly chooses the
          black agent. He shoots a smug victory grin over to his co-
          worker, who is being an overtly sore loser.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Hi, I'm booked on flight 94 to
                    Burbank. Molly McCall.
          
                              BLACK AGENT
                        (trying way too hard)
                    California. Fantastic. So do you
                    travel quite a bit?
          
          The white agent moves to loiter around the black agent's
          station, just to get a better look at MOLLY.
          
                              WHITE AGENT
                    Hey Derek. You got the     numbers on
                    the (making it up as he    goes) new,
                    um, procedures for the,    um, airport
                    thing... regarding the,    ah, planes?
                    (to Molly) Whassup?
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
          
          Kirk is at his post.
          
                                                                   6.
          
          
          
          Stainer works the next x-ray belt, where a young rocker type
          is running a guitar case through. Stainer stops the belt and
          moves it back to get a better look.
          
                              STAINER
                    Les Paul Classic re-issue?
          
                               ROCKER
                        (SMUG)
                    No, it's a sixty-five.   Mint.
          
                                STAINER
                    Fuck you.    No way.
          
          The rocker boy looks at his watch as Stainer rolls the case
          through and pops it open.
          
                              ROCKER
                    Dude, I'm late for my flight.
          
                              STAINER
                    Sorry, I have to search this case
                    for, you know, explosives and such.
                    This thing is sweet!
          
          Stainer takes the guitar out and starts riffing on it as the
          bins and bags pile up before him.
          
          At Kirk's station, Molly (the blonde bombshell) is crossing
          through. Every guy who can see her has been struck dumb but
          Kirk banters with her like he would anyone else. No flirting
          or stammering - just friendly and relaxed.
          
                                KIRK
                    Morning.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, hello again.
          
                              KIRK
                    Second trip in two days?
          
          Molly is putting her laptop back in her bag.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Uggh. Yeah. It's just a short hop
                    to L.A. but they've got me going
                    back and forth three days in a row.
                    This client is killing me.
          
                              KIRK
                    Well hang in there kiddo and I
                    guess I'll see you tomorrow.
          
                                                                      7.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    It's a date.
          
          Molly's long legs carry her toward the gates as every man
          except Kirk watches. Fuller saunters up and nudges Kirk.
          
                              FULLER
                    Did'ja see that? Boy would I ever
                    like to...you know...put my penis
                    in her vagina. (wink)
          
          Back at Stainer's station. As he puts the guitar back in its
          case, he scratches it on the corner of the x-ray machine.
          Stainer and rocker boy lock in shocked gazes.
          
                              ROCKER
                    What the hell!?
          
          He grabs his guitar and inspects a wicked scratch.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, I am so sorry.
          
                              ROCKER
                    Sorry my ass! This thing is worth
                    more than you make in a year, you
                    clumsy motherfucker!
          
                              STAINER
                    Yeah, I bet it was but...
          
          Stainer points to a white sign mounted in an acrylic stand.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    "TSA is not responsible for items
                    lost or damaged in the security
                    screening process..."
          
          Stainer flips the sign around to reveal a few more words hand-
          written on the back. He reads them aloud.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    "...so fuck you."
          
          INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
          
          Kirk enters to find his MOTHER, an attractive old woman,
          sitting with a short, plain woman about Kirk's age.
          
                               KIRK
                    Hey Mom.   Hey Marnie.
          
                                                                    8.
          
          
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    Oh, hi Sweetie.
          
          Across the room, Kirk's father is speaking to a man who looks
          a bit like Kirk. The man is telling a funny story that
          cracks up MR. KETTNER. The two pretend to box for a moment.
          
                              KIRK
                    Who's that guy Dad's with?
          
          MARNIE (the plain woman) stands and takes Kirk aside.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Kirk, you've been really great about
                    your mom and I staying so close
                    since we broke up but I know how
                    much Grammy meant to you... Well, is
                    it okay with you that I'm here?
          
                               KIRK
                    Sure.   It's fine.   (it's not)
          
                              MARNIE
                    Okay, good. Then can I introduce
                    you to my new boyfriend?
          
          She leads Kirk over to the man who is speaking with his
          father. They are laughing again.
          
                              MARNIE (CONT'D)
                    Ron, this is Kirk.
          
                              RON
                    Uh, oh - the ex. Awkward! (Ron
                    and Mr. Kettner laugh) No! I'm
                    just jack-assin' with you, pirate.
                    Great to meet you. How you doing?
          
                              KIRK
                    I've been better.
          
                              RON
                    Right. Of course. I'm sorry about
                    your grandmother. It's just so...
                    Well, old people, you know, what
                    are you gonna do?
          
                               KIRK
                    Yeah.   Thanks.
          
          Kirk's brother ERIC and his fiance DEBBIE enter from the
          hall. They are both in their late thirties and good-looking
          for trailer trash. Debbie is about seven months pregnant.
          
                                                                   9.
          
          
          
                              ERIC
                    Little brother.   Grammy wants to
                    see you.
          
                               KIRK
                    Okay.   Well, I better get in there.
          
          Eric and Debbie walk with Kirk down the hall.
          
                              ERIC
                    Listen, I'm pretty sure she wants
                    to discuss the will. She won't
                    tell us dick, so we're kind of
                    hoping you can grease the wheels.
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay, but you know Grammy didn't
                    have all that much. Once the
                    hospital and... and the ah...
          
                              ERIC
                    Yeah, yeah, the cremation and what
                    not...
          
                              KIRK
                    Well, it's not going to leave
                    enough to get worked up over.
          
                              DEBBIE
                    We've got a wedding to pay for,
                    Kirk and...
          
                              ERIC
                    Debbie, let me handle this. We've
                    got a wedding to pay for, numbnuts,
                    and you know Mom and Dad are going
                    to Branson next month. Now you
                    always been Grammy's favorite so
                    we're counting on you to get in
                    there and sort out what's what.
          
          INT. HOSPITAL - GRAMMY'S ROOM
          
          In a dimly lit hospital room, a very old woman lies in a bed.
          She is hooked up to an I.V. and several monitors. Kirk comes
          in and forces a smile. Grammy's voice is weak and shaky.
          
                               GRAMMY
                    There you are Big Slick.   Did you
                    bring 'em?
          
                              KIRK
                    Grammy, you really shouldn't...
          
                                                                     10.
          
          
          
                              GRAMMY
                    Just hand 'em over. I'm on death's
                    door and you know it.
          
          Kirk sits and reluctantly hands her a pack of cigarettes.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, for Christ's sake. Filters?
          
          Grammy lights up a smoke and savors a long drag. Kirk tears
          up at how slightly his grandmother clings to life.
          
                              KIRK
                    I love you Grammy.
          
                              GRAMMY
                    Don't start that shit now. You're
                    looking at one lucky old broad who's
                    done a lot - skydiving, rollerderby,
                    colored fellas. I got no complaints.
                    So when the check comes I don't want
                    any blubbering or bullshit outta
                    you. Just enjoy your life like I
                    did mine and raise a glass to your
                    old Grammy once in a while.
          
          Kirk hugs her and he cries a bit.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    You know how much I love you Kirk.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
          
          Molly is coming through Kirk's lane again. Mr. Fuller steps
          in and stops her before she crosses through.
          
                              FULLER
                    Ma'am, could you please remove your
                    jacket and shoes?
          
                                MOLLY
                    Oh, sure.
          
          She does. Fuller is leering at her stellar body.   She's
          about to go through when he stops her again.
          
                              FULLER
                    Why don't we go ahead and strip off
                    that belt too while we're at it.
          
          Molly takes an exasperated breath as she removes her belt.
          She starts to move through but again Fuller stops her with a
          raised palm. He then motions to her breasts and crotch.
          
                                                                  11.
          
          
          
                              FULLER (CONT'D)
                    Any piercings you'd like me to know
                    about?
          
                              KIRK
                    Why don't you just come on through,
                    ma'am, and we'll see if anything
                    sets off the machine.
          
          Molly steps through. The machine does not go off. She
          gathers her things and mouths a silent, "Thank You" to Kirk
          as she walks on. Fuller glares at Kirk but before he can say
          anything, RANDY, a young agent, calls out from the office.
          
                              RANDY
                    Kirk buddy! Phone call!
          
          Kirk walks over to take the call.
          
                              FULLER
                    You best hope the terrorists are
                    taking personal calls on the job
                    too, mister!
          
          Kirk takes the phone from Randy.
          
                              KIRK
                    This is Kirk Kettner.
          
          Kirk's expression tells us that some sad news is coming in.
          
          INT. AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP - DAY
          
          Kirk sits at a table with a cup of coffee. He opens his
          wallet and flips to a photo of a much younger Grammy and an
          eight-year-old Kirk in a casino. Grammy is smoking a
          cigarette and dealing blackjack while Kirk sits at the table.
          
          Kirk tears up and puts his face in his hands.
          
          Molly is passing.   She sees Kirk and stops.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh Geeze. Please tell me I didn't
                    get you in trouble back there.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, no. It's not that.    I ah...I
                    lost somebody today.
          
          Molly sits down and puts her hand on his hand.
          
                                                                   12.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I
                    know... I lost my grandmother a
                    few months ago and I...
          
          Kirk tears up again and so does Molly.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Your grandmother too? And you were
                    close? Oh, you poor thing.
          
          Kirk tries to keep it together.   Molly looks at the photo.
          
                              KIRK
                    She used to be a blackjack dealer
                    at the Horseshoe. When I was
                    little, she taught me and my
                    friends how to play poker. Turned
                    us into a bunch of eight-year-old
                    degenerate gamblers.
          
          They share a sad laugh.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    So, your grandmother too, huh?
          
          Molly removes a small clear-plastic booklet of photos from
          her bag and shows a picture of her grandmother.
          
                              MOLLY
                    My Grammy Keenan was ninety four
                    but independent right to the end.
                    She was always trying to cook for
                    everyone. You couldn't stop her.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, God, I know. Grammy used to
                    change her own oil. Right up until
                    a few months ago. She was... Do
                    you change your own oil?
          
                              MOLLY
                        (LAUGHS)
                    No. I wouldn't know where to begin.
          
                              KIRK
                    I know, me neither. She could
                    barley walk and I'd come over and
                    find her lying under her Cadillac
                    all covered in grease.
          
          They share a laugh and Kirk is cheering up a bit.   An
          announcement comes over the PA.
          
                                                                   13.
          
          
          
                              GATE AGENT
                    ...final boarding call for United
                    flight 94 to Burbank...
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, geeze, that's me. I'm so sorry.
          
                               KIRK
                    No, no.   Go catch your flight.
          
          Molly stands and offers her hand to Kirk.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    I'm Molly.
          
                              KIRK
                    Kirk Kettner.
          
          Molly squeezes Kirk's hand, grabs her bags and trots off
          toward her gate. A businessman near Kirk's table reaches
          over and gives him a playful chuck on the shoulder.
          
                              BUSINESSMAN
                    Dead Grandma. (a nod and a cheek
                    click) Nice one.
          
          INT. AIRPORT GATE
          
          Molly arrives at the gate just in time to make her flight.
          
          INT. AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP
          
          Kirk gathers his things and notices that Molly left her
          pictures on the table. He looks through them. In the last
          pouch are some business cards that read, "Molly McCall -
          Event Planner." Her cell number is on the card.
          
          INT. AIRPLANE 737
          
          Molly is sitting in a window seat. The flight is mostly
          empty. The two other seats in her row are unoccupied until a
          CREEPY BUSINESSMAN moves from the row behind her to the seat
          next to Molly. He casually smiles as though there is nothing
          odd about taking the center seat while the aisle seat (and
          many full rows) are open. Molly looks at the vacant seats
          and then at him as if to say, "You've got to be kidding."
          
                              CREEPY BUSINESSMAN
                    How you doin'?
          
          Molly's phone rings and she fumbles to answer it.   A FEMALE
          PASSENGER sitting two rows back looks annoyed.
          
                                                                     14.
          
          
          
          INTERCUT: AIRPLANE / AIRPORT COFFEE SHOP
          
                                MOLLY
                    Hello?
          
                               KIRK
                    Oh, hi.   Molly McCall?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Who's calling please?
          
                              KIRK
                    It's Kirk... From the coffee shop.
                    You left your pictures with me. If
                    you tell me which gate you're at, I
                    can run them right down to you.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, no. I'm already on the plane
                    and we're pushing back right now.
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay, well I'll leave them at the
                    lost and found and when you get...
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh geeze, some of those are my only
                    prints. It would be such a huge
                    favor if you could hold on to them
                    for me. I'm coming back next week.
          
                                KIRK
                    Oh, sure.    But how will I...
          
          The female passenger hails the flight attendant.
          
                              FEMALE PASSENGER
                    She's talking on her phone.
          
          The creepy businessman gives the woman the finger and then
          looks to Molly for approval. He doesn't get it.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I have your number in my phone. As
                    soon as I get back I'll call you
                    and arrange to pick them up, okay?
                    Thank you so much, Kirk.
          
          Molly turns off her phone and holds it up for the flight
          attendant to see.
          
                               MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Thanks.   I'm really sorry.
          
                                                                     15.
          
          
          
                               CREEPY BUSINESSMAN
                    You believe these pricks? So, what
                    do you do?
          
                                                      DISSOLVE TO:
          
          INT. VERTIGO CLUB - NIGHT
          
          Kirk comes in and stops at the bar to order a beer. Two men
          are waving to him from a table near the stage. Kirk gets his
          bottle and snakes through the crowd toward his friends.
          
          On stage, Stainer (in his afro wig) plays guitar as his band
          finishes the last chorus of "Lovin', Touchin' Squeezin'."
          
                              STAINER
                    Thank you! We're going to take a
                    little breakski but we'll be back
                    in a few minutes to do Frontiers.
          
          The band turns to put down their instruments and the house
          music kicks in.
          
          Kirk arrives where his friends are standing at a high bar
          table. DEVON looks like Howdy Doody at 33. JACK is good-
          looking and dressed semi-hipster. Devon gives Kirk a hug.
          
                                DEVON
                    Hey Kirk.    How you been holdin' up?
          
                              KIRK
                    It's been a rough week but, you
                    know, all of the services and
                    family stuff keep you pretty
                    busy... I really miss her, though.
          
          Jack hugs Kirk as well.
          
                              JACK
                    She sounded like a hell of a lady.
          
                              STAINER (O.S.)
                    Oh, fuck yeah! Kirk's Grandma was
                    the shit.
          
          Stainer arrives, hugs Kirk and gives him a kiss on the head.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    She's with God now, buddy - and you
                    just know she's bustin' his balls.
          
          Kirk laughs and Stainer raises his glass.
          
                                                                      16.
          
          
          
                                 STAINER (CONT'D)
                    To Stella!
          
          The guys all raise their glasses and take a drink.     This is
          just what Grammy wanted and it's cheering Kirk up.
          
          Kirk's cell phone rings.      He has to talk loud over the music.
          
                              KIRK
                    Hello?... Oh, Hi. I'm sorry I can
                    barely hear you. I'm at a club
                    and.... Club Vertigo? Oh, yeah -
                    it's right down the street from
                    there... Okay, sounds good.
          
          Kirk hangs up.
          
                              JACK
                    What was that all about?
          
                              KIRK
                    Nothing, just a passenger. She
                    accidentally left something with
                    me. She's going to stop in and
                    pick it up I guess.
          
                              DEVON
                    She's coming here?      She a cute gal?
          
                                 KIRK
                    Very.
          
                              STAINER
                    Well alright dude! That's a leave-
                    behind. She digs you!
          
                              KIRK
                    No she doesn't.      Trust me.
          
                              STAINER
                    She does a leave behind and then
                    just happens to be in the
                    neighborhood? She practically has
                    her hands in your pants.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, seriously - it's nothing.      She's
                    way out of my league.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, you said Marnie was out of
                    your league and let's face it,
                    Marnie's kinda nasty.
          
                                                                     17.
          
          
          
          Marnie is standing behind Stainer.     He doesn't miss a beat.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    ...Marnie...don't you think Marnie
                    Tomkins is kind of nasty?
          
                              MARNIE
                    I don't know who that is.
          
                              STAINER
                    Oh, you don't know Marnie Tomkins?
                    She's just this girl. I thought you
                    knew her. Anyway, she's pretty nasty
                    looking... but you're looking good.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Kirk, I'm sorry about Grammy.
          
          The guys slink away to give Kirk and Marnie some privacy.
          
                              MARNIE (CONT'D)
                    I realize she was never that crazy
                    about me but I know how much you
                    loved her and I hope you're okay.
          
                               KIRK
                    Thanks.   Thanks, I'll be alright.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Listen, are you going to Branson
                    with your folks next month?
          
                               KIRK
                    No.   It's not really my thing.
          
                              MARNIE
                    What's wrong with Branson?     You too
                    good for Branson now?
          
                               KIRK
                    No.   Branson's...awesome.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Well, your mom invited Ron and I
                    along. We'd love to go but not if
                    it's going to be weird for you.
          
          Kirk considers this.   It will be weird.
          
                              MARNIE (CONT'D)
                    ...I mean the tickets are non-
                    refundable but it's up to you.
          
                                                                  18.
          
          
          
          Stainer overhears this and groans out loud.
          
                              KIRK
                    No. You should go. I'm sure
                    you'll have a great time. Totally.
          
          Marnie hugs Kirk.   This makes him uncomfortable.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Kirk, I'm sorry about what happened
                    with us. You're going to make
                    someone very happy someday, but you
                    have to get over me first, okay?
                    Is it a deal?
          
          Marnie hugs him again and then departs.
          
                              STAINER
                    She's going to Branson with your
                    fucking parents? And bringing her
                    new fucking boyfriend!?
          
                             KIRK
                    Yeah. He seems like a good guy,
                    though.  He's an entrepreneur.
          
          Across the room they see Marnie return to Ron with a hug.
          
                              JACK
                    Entrepreneur? Kirk, I know that
                    guy. He owns a Pizza Hut.
          
                               KIRK
                    So?   That's a business.
          
                              STAINER
                    It's not even a real Pizza Hut.
                    It's one of those strip-mall take-
                    out ones. They don't even have
                    chicken wings. The guy's a fuckin'
                    douche bag.
          
                              KIRK
                    He's got more going on than I do.
                    That's all I'm saying.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, you can do a hell of a lot
                    better than her.
          
                              DEVON
                    One door closes, another door opens.
          
                                                                   19.
          
          
          
                              STAINER
                    Fuck you Devon, that doesn't even
                    make any sense. But take this
                    broad that's coming here tonight -
                    I got a feeling about her. You're
                    gonna get on that.
          
                              JACK
                    Absolutely. Visualize it.
          
                              KIRK
                    I appreciate what you guys are
                    trying to do but, I'm telling you,
                    I have zero chance with this one
                    and I'm completely okay with that.
          
                              DEVON
                    That's defeatist thinking.
          
                              KIRK
                    No it isn't. It's just like saying
                    I'll never go to the moon and I'm
                    okay with that too.
          
                              STAINER
                    You're saying you don't want to go
                    to the moon? That's bullshit.
          
                              KIRK
                    No. I'm saying that I never will
                    go to the moon but I'm not going to
                    get down about it because, you know
                    - I never expected to.
          
                              STAINER
                    You don't know. Technology and
                    shit. You might go to the moon.
          
          Kirk waves to someone at the door.   The guys look up.
          
          The guys' POV: Molly is stepping toward them - dressed in a
          beautiful gown. They laugh the way you might laugh at a
          particularly brutal football tackle.
          
                              DEVON
                    Holy Frijole.
          
                               JACK
                    Oh shit.   Yeah, you're right.
          
                              STAINER
                    Sorry, bro. You'll go to the moon
                    before you'll hit that. No chance.
          
                                                                     20.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    I told you.
          
          Molly arrives at their table.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    Hey!     There you are!
          
          Molly hugs Kirk.    From across the bar, Marnie takes notice.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Here I am.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I'm sorry I'm so overdressed. I
                    just came from a work thing. Are
                    you doing okay with...everything?
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, you know... Hey, these are my
                    best friends - Jack, Devon and
                    Stainer.
          
          The guys' I.Q.s drop like stones as they shake her hand.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    Stainer?
          
                              STAINER
                    Yeah, just a nickname.    Doesn't
                    really mean nothin'.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh. Here's your pictures - all
                    safe and sound.
          
          Kirk hands Molly the pictures.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Thank you so much for taking care of
                    them for me! I need to get some
                    copies made. If I lost these...uugh.
          
                              KIRK
                    No trouble at all.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Hey, have you eaten yet?
          
                                 KIRK
                    Um...
          
                                                                    21.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    I was going to go grab a bite. Let
                    me buy you dinner to pay you back.
          
                              KIRK
                    You don't have to pay me back.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I know. I want to. Come on! The
                    place across the street has the
                    best greasy burgers in town.
          
                              KIRK
                    A burger does sound good. (then to
                    the guys) I'm going to just ah...
          
          Molly waves goodbye and heads for the door. Kirk starts to
          follow but Stainer pulls him back for a quick huddle.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude. It's cool that she's buying
                    you dinner but do not get your
                    hopes up about this one.
          
                              KIRK
                    Don't worry. Believe me, I know.
          
          Kirk catches up with Molly.   Marnie watches them exit.
          
          A big guy has overheard this and leans over to Stainer.
          
                              BIG GUY
                    Good advice there friend. Your boy
                    ain't got a prayer with that chick.
          
                              STAINER
                    You talking shit about my buddy!?
                    'Cause I'm giving out free fuckin'
                    ambulance rides!
          
          Big Guy assesses the crazy on Stainer's face and stands down.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, I didn't think so!
          
          INT. BURGER JOINT - NIGHT
          
          Kirk and Molly sit across from one another in a booth.    The
          WAITER arrives.
          
                              WAITER
                    Start you off with something to
                    drink ma'am?
          
                                                                 22.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    I'll have a Bass.
          
                              WAITER
                    And for your... brother?
          
                                 KIRK
                    What?     Oh, I'm not her brother.
          
                              WAITER
                    Oh, I'm sorry. I just figured...
          
                              KIRK
                    You know what, a Bass sounds good.
                    Make that two.
          
                                WAITER
                    Great.    Sorry.
          
          The waiter exits.
          
                              KIRK
                    So... You know what I do, what
                    about you? Your card said event
                    planner. How'd you get into that?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Well, it wasn't the original plan.
                    I went to law school. Ended up at
                    a big firm but I hated it. Then,
                    they asked me to plan the Christmas
                    party. It was a big hit and a few
                    months later I was done with law.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Wow.
          
                                MOLLY
                    I know.    Pernicious career move,
                    right?
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, I don't know what that word
                    means. What was it?
          
          Close on Molly's smile. She finds Kirk's unabashed admission
          very refreshing and endearing.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    I'm sorry.     Like, destructive or...
          
                                                                    23.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, okay. No, I don't think that's
                    so perni...gious?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Pernicious.
          
                              KIRK
                    Good - new word. No, not pernicious
                    at all. Not if you enjoy the work.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I really do. We do a lot of
                    charity events and I get to work
                    with some of the most amazing human
                    beings on some really fun projects.
                    Next month I'm doing a cancer
                    benefit with Billy Joel.
          
                               KIRK
                    Wow.   I love Billy Joel.
          
                              MOLLY
                    The only downside is I have to do a
                    lot of public speaking and I've
                    always struggled with stage fright.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh man - That's my number one fear.
                    I'm terrified of getting up in
                    front of people. I'd rather get a
                    Kentucky root canal.
          
          Molly laughs. An older GOOD-LOOKING MAN steps up to the
          table and stands facing her with his back to Kirk.
          
                              GOOD-LOOKING MAN
                    Excuse me, I was just sitting over
                    at the bar and I was wondering; has
                    anyone told you today that you are
                    absolutely stunning?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Are you seriously hitting on me
                    right in front of my boyfriend?
          
          He turns to Kirk and both men start to laugh.
          
                              GOOD-LOOKING MAN
                    This is your boyfriend?
          
                                                                   24.
          
          
          
                               KIRK
                     Oh, yeah right! (Catches Molly's
                     unspoken instructions.) But, yeah.
                     I'm her boyfriend, I guess, so...
          
                                GOOD-LOOKING MAN
                     Really?   Wow. Well... sorry.
          
                               KIRK
                     Honest mistake.
          
          The man gives Kirk a wink and wanders back to the bar.
          
                               MOLLY
                     Did you get a load of that hair-
                     piece? What is it with men? I
                     mean, look at you. You're bald and
                     you're fine with it. A little
                     dignity is all I'm saying. The
                     toupees and plugs and the teen-
                     dream sports cars... Oh geeze, I'm
                     sorry. Do you drive a sports car?
          
                               KIRK
                     I drive a 94 Taurus. It's got
                     AM/FM but I wouldn't call it a
                     sports car per se.
          
          Molly laughs and we hard cut through the following snippets
          of conversation as they eat, chat and laugh.
          
                               KIRK (CONT'D)
                     So here's this little old lady
                     trying to go through security with
                     six pounds of weed in her girdle!
          
          Cut.   The food is being served.
          
                               MOLLY
                     Oh, my God! I love that book!
          
          Cut.   The waitress is picking up the empty plates.
          
                               KIRK
                     So, a duck walks into a bar...
          
          Cut.   Molly is laughing while she's paying the bill.
          
                               MOLLY
                     Well, I've got an early morning. I
                     should go. Thanks for coming
                     along. This was really fun. And
                     thanks again for helping me out.
          
                                                                        25.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    No, thank you for dinner. I feel
                    bad that you won't let me...
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, stop it. Listen, I handle some
                    of the charity events for the
                    Coyotes and I've got some tickets
                    for the hockey game tomorrow night.
                    You interested?
          
          Kirk is a bit taken aback and confused.     Is she actually
          asking him out on a real date?
          
                              KIRK
                        (NERVOUSLY)
                    Um, sure. Yeah, great. I mean,
                    I'm free tomorrow night.
          
          She digs two tickets out of her purse and hands them over.
          
                             MOLLY
                    Perfect. I hate to see them go to
                    waste. There's two so maybe bring
                    Stainer?
          
          Kirk's expression is as much relief as disappointment.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Oh, right.     Thanks!   Thank you.
          
          EXT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT
          
          Kirk and Stainer are on their way through security. A huge
          security guard runs a metal-detector wand over Stainer.
          
                              STAINER
                    Whatcha runnin' there a PX-235?
          
                              GUARD
                    I don't know sir.
          
                              STAINER
                    The two hundred series are dog
                    shit. You couldn't find a bazooka
                    with that thing. You should look
                    into the new eight fifties.
          
                              GUARD
                    Can you keep it moving sir?
          
                                                                  26.
          
          
          
          INT. HOCKEY ARENA
          
          Kirk and Stainer arrive at the third row to find two open
          seats right next to the penalty box. To Kirk's surprise, in
          the next seat - Molly! Kirk elbows Stainer.
          
                              KIRK
                    Hey, it's Molly.       She's here.
          
                                 STAINER
                           (PERPLEXED)
                    Huh.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Hey guys! You made it! Hooray!
                    Thanks for coming.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Oh, yeah.     Wouldn't miss it.
          
                              STAINER
                    Thanks for the sweet seats!
          
                              MOLLY
                    Guys, this is my best friend in the
                    whole world, Patty. This is Kirk
                    and, um, Stainer, right?
          
          Patty is over 200 pounds with a pretty face and an edge that
          comes from a lifetime of taking crap from morons.
          
                                 PATTY
                    Hey boys.     Nice to meet you.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Patty's my assistant and my go-to
                    gal. Whatever you need, she can
                    make it happen on a moments notice.
          
                              PATTY
                    You need a cock-shaped cake with a
                    cotton-candy bush delivered by four
                    o'clock? I'm your connection.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, and she likes to shock people
                    so don't let her freak you out.
          
                              KIRK
                    How 'bout that. So, we're going to
                    grab some beers. Can we bring you
                    ladies anything? Beer? Nachos?
                    Patty, cotton candy?
          
                                                                 27.
          
          
          
          INT. HOCKEY ARENA CONCESSIONS AREA
          
          Stainer and Kirk stand in the beer line.
          
                              STAINER
                    That's it. She's setting you up
                    with the fat chick.
          
                              KIRK
                    Ooohhh! Okay! Okay! That makes
                    sense, right!? When Molly was here
                    I was like, "what!?" But, okay!
                    Well, Patty seems cool. She's funny.
          
                              STAINER
                    Well, yeah, she has to be.
          
                              KIRK
                    What does that mean?
          
                              STAINER
                    Nothing. The fat chick seems
                    great. You never know, bro, that
                    fat chick could wind up being the
                    love of your life.
          
          Kirk returns a look of annoyance.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Patty, I'm saying. Patty could be
                    the love of your life.
          
          INT. HOCKEY ARENA
          
          The game has started. Kirk, Stainer, Molly and Patty are
          cheering. The puck smacks the glass before them and another
          player skates up for it. As he mucks it from the edge, he
          looks up and sees Molly. He's distracted just long enough to
          get brutally checked face first into the glass. A penalty is
          called on the player who hit him. That player skates into
          the penalty box near Molly. The name on his jersey reads,
          "REESE." He speaks with a thick Canadian accent.
          
                                 REESE
                    Hey Molly!     Yer lookin' good, eh!
          
                              MOLLY
                    That was a bogus call, Bobby.    Your
                    skates barely left the ice.
          
                               REESE
                    I know.   What's that aboot, eh?
          
                                                                  28.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                        (nervously to Reese)
                    Yeah, that ref is like a total
                    blindo, man.
          
                                 STAINER
                    Blindo?
          
                              PATTY
                    Kirk, Molly's sister is blind.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
          
                              MOLLY
                        (not offended)
                    Oh, I know. It's fine.
          
          INT. BROADCAST BOOTH
          
          The radio announcers are calling the game.
          
                              ANNOUNCER
                    Forty Five seconds left on the
                    Power Play and the Sharks are
                    knocking at the door.
          
          INT. HOCKEY ARENA
          
                              REESE
                    So, after the game, you wanna party?
          
                              MOLLY
                    You know my policy on players,
                    Bobby. And you might have noticed
                    we've already got dates.
          
          The penalty ends and the ref opens the box but Reese is not
          paying attention.
          
                              REESE
                    Come on, Molly. Just give me a
                    chance, eh.   I'm a great guy - ask
                    any of these assholes.
          
          The crowd is booing Reese.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Reese, you'd better...
          
                              REESE
                    You can't seriously be blowing me
                    off for these two hosers.
          
                                                                  29.
          
          
          
                              STAINER
                    Hey! Fuck you Reese!    You suck
                    this year anyway!
          
          Reese raises his squirt bottle over the glass and squirts
          Stainer.
          
                                STAINER (CONT'D)
                    You dick!
          
          Stainer is immediately on his feet, climbing the glass and
          trying to pummel the huge player. Security is on him in a
          flash and dragging him, kicking & swearing, out of the arena.
          
          Reese wakes up and skates out of the box but it's too late.
          The Sharks score and the crowd revolts. A red-haired redneck
          woman, sitting two rows back, calls out to Molly and company.
          
                              RED-HAIRED WOMAN
                    You idiots just cost us a goal!    I
                    hope you're happy!
          
                              PATTY
                    You'd better check that tone, Reba!
                    You do NOT want me comin' up there!
          
                              MOLLY
                    Patty! Stop it! I'll go see what
                    I can do about Stainer.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, this is my fault, I'll take
                    care of it.
          
                              MOLLY
                    No, it's okay. I know the head of
                    security. I'll be right back.
          
          Molly exits and Patty sits back down next to Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    God, I'm really embarrassed.
          
                              PATTY
                    That's okay, if Reese did that to
                    me I'd have gone over the glass
                    too. But I would have landed a few
                    before they got me. Reese has been
                    all over Molly ever since she
                    dumped her boyfriend. I tell you,
                    that girl has nothing but trouble
                    when it comes to men.
          
                                                   30.
          
          
          
                    KIRK
          What? How is that even possible?
          She's so...
          
                    PATTY
          Tell me about it. I'm no lezbo but
          sometimes she makes me want to
          strap on - if know what I'm saying.
          
                     KIRK
          Yeah.   I think I do.
          
                    PATTY
          It's a curse, looking like that.
          Who has the balls to hit on her?
          Just the most arrogant A-holes like
          Reese out there.
          
                    KIRK
          Yeah, I suppose.
          
                    PATTY
          Listen, Molly brought me along
          tonight because, you know, she
          thought I might be 'interested.'
          
                     KIRK
          Oh.   Oh yeah?
          
                    PATTY
          But, just for honesty's sake, I'm
          not interested. No offense.
          
                    KIRK
          No! Hey! None taken. I don't
          blame you. I know I'm no Brad
          Pitt. That's cool.
          
                    PATTY
          What? You? No, I'm talking about
          your pal, Stainer. I know he's your
          friend but he seems like kind of a
          dumbshit. (THEN) Wait. Why would
          you think I was talking about you?
          
                       KIRK
          I'm sorry.     I didn't mean to assume
          anything.
          
                    PATTY
          Oh my God. You don't have a clue
          do you? Molly's really into you.
          
                                                                   31.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, yeah right!
          
          Kirk laughs hard until he realizes that Patty isn't laughing.
          Patty's nod says, "I'm serious."
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    But... why would...
          
                              PATTY
                    A knockout like Molly be interested
                    in a spud like you?
          
                              KIRK
                    Well, yeah.
          
                              PATTY
                    Got me. Again, no offense. But
                    listen, Kirk, your dream girl just
                    showed up. Try not to blow it.
          
          Close on Kirk's terrified expression.   The SOUND of a bowling
          ball demolishing ten pins...
          
          INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
          
          The place is crowded and classic rock is cranking. It's an
          old alley with overhead-projection score sheets. Kirk,
          Stainer and Devon sit and talk while Jack throws a strike.
          
                              DEVON
                    Atta boy Jackers!
          
                              STAINER
                    It doesn't add up, Kirk. If
                    Molly's so into you, why bring her
                    friend and give you two tickets?
          
                              KIRK
                    She was hoping to set Patty up with
                    you.
          
                                 STAINER
                    Oh, great.
          
                              KIRK
                    It's okay, she wasn't interested.
          
                              STAINER
                    So you're saying the hottest babe
                    in the world wants you and the fat
                    chick isn't into me. Will you
                    listen to yourself? Fuck you.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  32.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    What did Molly have to say about
                    all this?
          
                              KIRK
                    I don't know, Stainer, somebody got
                    thrown out of the game and I had to
                    drive him home, remember?
          
                              DEVON
                    Pretty impressive catch, Kirky.
          
                              STAINER
                    There's no way. Don't get him all
                    worked up. Her friend was fuckin'
                    with him. Molly said herself that
                    Patty loves to mess with people.
          
                              DEVON
                    Kirk, you deserve a gal like her.
                    And Stainer, why don't you try to
                    be a little more supportive.
          
                              STAINER
                    Why don't you try a little shut the
                    fuck up, Devon. This week, we're
                    not taking dating tips from the guy
                    who met his wife in eighth grade.
          
                              JACK
                    Are we still bowling?
          
          Stainer picks up a crappy, beat up ball from the ball return.
          
                              STAINER
                    All I'm saying is - she's just too
                    hot. No judgement on Kirky, the
                    guy's just outgunned here.
          
                              KIRK
                    I can't argue with him.
          
          Stainer goes to the line. The BOWLER (a pro-type with a
          custom ball and glove) on the next lane is already standing
          about to roll. Stainer starts to step up.
          
                              BOWLER
                    Yo, house ball! I was up first.
          
                              STAINER
                    Oh for fucks... What is it with you
                    people?
          
                              BOWLER
                    Just wait your turn.
          
                                                                  33.
          
          
          
                              STAINER
                    All this noise and bullshit in this
                    place and I'm such a distraction
                    over here in your god damned
                    peripheral vision!?
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay Stains, take it easy.
          
          The bowler stands glaring back.
          
                               STAINER
                    Well!?   Fuckin' roll then!
          
          The bowler takes another minute to set. Stainer lets out a
          long sigh. The bowler steps to the line and Stainer rushes
          into his own delivery. Both men throw gutters. The bowler
          comes at Stainer but their friends separate them.
          
                              BOWLER
                    You're lucky motherfucker!
          
                                STAINER
                    Oh yeah!?    Bring it, Brunswick!
          
                                DEVON
                    Stainer!    Cool your jets, buster.
          
          The bowler's friends drag him away. Stainer takes a deep
          breath before he shifts right back into conversation mode.
          
                              STAINER
                    Okay. Anyway... I love Kirky but
                    let's face it, the guy's a three.
          
                              DEVON
                    Stainer, that's just dirty pool.
                    He's at least a four.
          
                              STAINER
                    You're outta your fuckin' mind -
                    four! You go ahead and pump
                    rainbows up his ass. I'm just
                    being honest.
          
          Stainer moves the score sheet and then writes a three on the
          glass. It projects onto the overhead scoreboard.
          
                              KIRK
                    I can live with three.
          
                                                             34.
          
          
          
                              STAINER
                    He's a nice guy and he's funny.
                    Those are a half a point each.
          
          Stainer continues the equation on the projector.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    But he drives a shit box so we
                    gotta deduct a point for that.
          
                              DEVON
                    Kirk said she likes his Taurus.
          
                              STAINER
                    That's so fucked, I won't even
                    dignify it with a response. So
                    we're back to three. Meanwhile,
                    this Molly is a hard ten.
          
                              DEVON
                    A hard ten?
          
                               STAINER
                    Generally, if a broad is that hot
                    you can deduct a few points for dumb
                    or shallow but she went to law
                    school and her sister's blind.
                    That's a hard ten, friends, and that
                    is rare. A seven point disparity -
                    that's a chasm. The most you can
                    jump is two points. I can't even
                    get a ten.
          
                              JACK
                    Oh, not even you, huh?
          
                              STAINER
                    I'm a five, okay?
          
                                JACK
                    Bullshit.    Then what am I?
          
                              STAINER
                    You're a seven and a half.
          
                              JACK
                    Fine, you're a five then.
          
                              STAINER
                    Okay, so I get a two point bump for
                    being in a band. That puts me at
                    seven. On a good day, most I can
                    bag is a niner.
          
                                                                  35.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    What about your shitty car?
          
                              STAINER
                    Artist exemption. I'm expected to
                    have a shitty car.
          
                              JACK
                    Is there an artist exemption for
                    being a jag-off?
          
                              STAINER
                    Fuckin' A there is.
          
                              KIRK
                    Stainer's right. Patty was
                    probably just messing around. It's
                    not a big deal. Let's just bowl.
          
                              DEVON
                    What about Rick Ocasek?   Billy
                    Joel, Donald Trump...
          
                              STAINER
                    Yeah, dumbass. Those are the wild-
                    cards. Money and fame.
          
                              JACK
                    So, if he were a millionaire?
          
                              STAINER
                    A mil ain't what it once was,
                    Jackie. Devon's practically a
                    millionaire for Christ sake. A mil
                    might get you an eight but to bring
                    down a ten now days - two million
                    minimum.
          
          Stainer finishes the equation by writing, "Kirk = Fucked."
          Kirk's phone rings. He checks the ID and his eyes go wide.
          
                              KIRK
                        (into the phone)
                    Hey, Molly... Um, yeah, sure...
                    No, that sounds good. Yeah, I know
                    where that is. Um, okay, yeah...
                    see you then.
          
          Kirk hangs up and gapes at his friends, who wait in suspense.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Holy crap. (dazed pause) She just
                    asked me out for tomorrow night!
          
                                                                  36.
          
          
          
          Kirk exchanges fives, fists, tips and hugs with Devon and
          Jack. Stainer shakes his head, still not buying it.
          
          INT. BOWLING ALLEY MEN'S ROOM
          
          Kirk runs into the otherwise empty restroom. He stares into
          the mirror and his smile fades into panic. He splashes water
          on his face. He reaches for a paper towel but the dispenser
          is empty.
          
                              KIRK
                        (to himself)
                    It's okay. Get it together. Guys
                    do this all the time. You can do
                    this. You can make it happen.
          
                              RANDOM MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
                        (from inside a stall)
                    You better not be jerking off in
                    the sink, man!
          
          EXT. AIRPORT PARKING LOT - DAY
          
          Kirk's Taurus pulls into a space. He climbs out and slams
          the door. As it closes, he reaches but too late. He looks
          through the window. The keys are hanging in the ignition.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
          
          WILLY, the Russian driver, is chipper and bubbly as he sings
          along with "I'm Like a Bird" on the radio. Kirk is knocked
          around by Willy's crazy driving. In the mirror, Willy
          notices Kirk's dazed expression.
          
                              WILLY
                        (thick accent)
                    Kirk! You look like someone made a
                    second number in your breakfast
                    cereal. You are doing okay, yes?
          
                              KIRK
                    You know what Willy. I honestly
                    don't know how I'm doing.
          
                              WILLY
                    He does not know!
          
                              KIRK
                    I should be doing awesome but I
                    don't know. Know what I mean?
          
                              WILLY
                    Nope!
          
                                                                     37.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    How are you?
          
                              WILLY
                    Perfect! Willy is having another
                    kick ass of a day.
          
          Willy takes a hard left and some suitcases fall on Kirk.
          
          INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT - DAY
          
          Kirk is picking up a coffee. As he walks on, he takes a sip.
          The lid comes off and hot coffee spills on his shirt.
          
                              STAINER (O.S.)
                    Way to go, Big Slick.
          
          Stainer is now next to Kirk, who glares back at him as they
          walk across the food court.
          
          A short, plain girl behind the Orange Julius counter gives
          them an apprehensive wave.
          
                                STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Oh, shit.    Let's go this way.
          
          Stainer returns an uncomfortable smile but then redirects
          their path away from her. Kirk waves.
          
                              KIRK
                    Who's that?
          
                              STAINER
                    Nobody. Just some chick I boned
                    once when I was drunk. You look
                    like shit, bro.
          
                              KIRK
                    Thanks. I had trouble sleeping
                    last night. This Molly thing... I
                    don't want to want this, you know?
                    It just seems too good to be true.
                    I just don't get it.
          
                              STAINER
                    I know what you mean.   There has to
                    be some explanation.
          
                              KIRK
                    I can't think of one.   Not one that
                    makes any sense.
          
                                                                  38.
          
          
          
                              STAINER
                    Well, let's spitball it a little.
                    You've got dick for money so she's
                    no gold digger. Oohh! Did you
                    ever see Double Indemnity?
          
                              KIRK
                    Please don't say she wants me to
                    kill someone.
          
                              STAINER
                    Okay, then... maybe she's on a
                    scavenger hunt. You know, like
                    find a wagon wheel, a wiffle ball
                    bat and a fat, bald TSA agent -
                    that kind of thing.
          
          Kirk is no longer responding.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Oh, shit, dude. Al Qaeda. Think
                    about it. You're a TSA agent,
                    she's a terrorist...
          
          Kirk walks away.
          
          EXT. OLD STRIP MALL - DAY
          
          Kirk, still in his TSA uniform, walks past a large laundromat
          to a small storefront next door. The chipped and faded
          lettering on the glass reads, "Maury Hammerstein, Attorney At
          Law - Aggressive, Dynamic Representation Since 1942!" As
          Kirk reaches for the door, he notices a small hand-written
          sign, "I don't make change!" He goes inside.
          
          INT. LAW OFFICE
          
          Wood paneling, buzzing fluorescent lights and furniture the
          Salvation Army would sell only as firewood.
          
          Eric and Debbie sit with Kirk's parents. There are two
          elderly women and another middle aged man in the room as
          well. Maury, who's about a hundred years old - cute and
          meek, fusses with an ancient VCR while smoking a cigarette.
          
          Kirk sits down next to Eric. Kirk notices a free bank
          calender on Maury's desk - dated 1991.
          
                              ERIC
                    It's about time, numbnuts.
          
                              KIRK
                    I came right from work.
          
                                                                   39.
          
          
          
                              MR. KETTNER
                    Okay Maury - we're all here.
          
                              MAURY
                    Oh! You bet! You betcha! Okay,
                    hi there Kirk. Firstly, let me
                    just say how awful sorry I am.
                    Stella was one heck of a gal and a
                    real dish. Anyhow, let me just...
          
          Maury gets the VCR going.   "Wheel of Fortune" comes up on the
          screen.
          
                              MAURY (CONT'D)
                    Oh mercy. I didn't tape over her
                    with The Wheel did I?
          
          The picture goes to snow and then stutters into a shot of
          Grammy sitting in her kitchen. She has just clicked the
          video camera on with a remote control.
          
                                MAURY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, good.    There she is.
          
                              GRAMMY
                    Testing. One, two, three, four.
                    Oh, this God damned thing!
          
          She gets up and fusses with the camera.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Jap piece of shit! Is it on!?
          
          Cutaway to Kirk tearing up.   Grammy sits back down.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Okay, my name is Stella Edith Dakin
                    and if you're watching this, I'm
                    dead as a doorknob and I ain't
                    spent all my money yet. I got shit
                    to do today so I'm going to get
                    right to it. This is my last will
                    and testament and if you miss
                    anything the old Jew's got the
                    paperwork. Okay, here's the
                    deal...
          
          Everyone besides Kirk leans in, excited to hear what they
          might get. A phone rings. Maury looks around but the
          ringing is coming from the TV. Grammy answers the phone.
          
                                                                     40.
          
          
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Hello? I'm kind of busy right now
                    Eric... Oh, for God's sake, boy!
                    How can you be sure it's even
                    yours? It could be practically
                    anybody's!... No, I'm not paying
                    for that!... Well, then I guess
                    you're going to be a daddy.
                    Congratulations, now I gotta go!
          
          She hangs up, puts on her glasses and lights up a smoke.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Anyway! I love all of you, despite
                    some of the shit you pulled, but I
                    spent my life a gambler and I always
                    put my money on the best bet. The
                    odds of any of you fish doing
                    anything worthwhile with my stack
                    are slim to none. So old Grammy's
                    going all in on Big Slick.
          
          Everyone looks at Kirk who is stunned.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    I'm proud of you, Kirk. Don't let
                    your old Grammy down. Do something
                    good with it.
          
          She blows a kiss, lifts the remote and aims it at the camera.
          
                              GRAMMY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, for Christ sakes!
          
          She throws the remote at the lens.    The picture goes to snow.
          
                              ERIC
                    So Kirk gets it all!?   That is
                    bullshit!
          
                              KIRK
                    Eric, it can't be much.
          
                              ERIC
                    Well!?
          
          Maury digs into his desk and pulls out a mess of papers.    He
          dons a pair of glasses that make his eyes look gigantic.
          
                              MAURY
                    Let's see here... Looks like she
                    had herself six G's in savings.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  41.
          
                              MAURY (CONT'D)
                    Um, another three grand in bonds,
                    give or take. Her life insurance
                    will pay pert-near seventy grand.
          
          He adds this up on an old adding machine (the kind with the
          hand crank) and writes $77,800 on a chalk board, which is
          mounted on the wall behind him.
          
                              ERIC
                    She left him eighty grand!?
          
                              MAURY
                    Most of Stella's retirement home
                    expenses were covered by her reverse
                    mortgage. But, figure in thirty
                    thousand still due to Arborwood
                    Village. She racked up forty-seven
                    thousand in medical bills. And my
                    fee, of course, which now stands at
                    two thousand and change - which is
                    real reasonable, folks.
          
          He writes "Liabilities = $79,000    Total -$1,200."
          
                              ERIC
                    So Kirk owes money!? HA! Shit,
                    man! That is God damn hilarious!
          
          INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
          
          The upscale restaurant is crowded. Kirk and Molly are eating
          at a small table. Kirk is not relaxed like he had been the
          last time they ate together. He is sweating and trying to
          remain cool. The Maitre d is eyeing them suspiciously.
          
                              MOLLY
                    But, you can't legally be held
                    responsible for her debt. What
                    kind of hack is this attorney?
          
                                 KIRK
                    It's okay.     I had it in savings.
          
          The waiter brings a drink to Molly.
          
                               WAITER
                        (French accent)
                    Madame. From ze gentleman in ze
                    grey suit.
          
          From his table, a good looking man smiles and raises a drink
          to Molly. She nods back - polite but annoyed.
          
                                                                  42.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Anyway... Grammy hated owing anyone
                    money. I'm afraid she couldn't
                    rest if she wasn't square with the
                    house. It's the least I can do.
                    She practically raised me.
          
                              MOLLY
                    You're a good man, Kirk.
          
          Molly smiles and takes his hands. The maitre d is watching
          and getting angry. The waiter returns with another drink.
          
                              WAITER
                    From ze gentleman in ze purple tie.
          
          Another guy raises his glass to her from the bar. Molly is
          getting irritated. Kirk is feeling smaller every minute.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Listen, no more drinks.    Please.
          
                                 WAITER
                    Of course.     No more drinks, madame.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    I'm sorry.     This happens sometimes.
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, I get that a lot too. I'm
                    sure the next one will be for me.
          
          Molly laughs. The best looking man Kirk has ever seen walks
          up to the table. He and Molly hug.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, my gosh! Talon! I didn't
                    realize you were in town already.
          
                              TALON
                    I just flew in this morning.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, this is Talon.    This is my
                    good friend, Kirk.
          
                              TALON
                    Great to meet you, sir.
          
          Talon gives Kirk a winning handshake, complete with wink.
          
                                                                  43.
          
          
          
                              TALON (CONT'D)
                    So, do we have you for our Disabled
                    Angels Program again this year?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Wouldn't miss it.
          
                              TALON
                    That's fantastic. (to Kirk) Mol is
                    always a big hit with the kids.
          
                               MOLLY
                    Please. You're the one the kids go
                    crazy for.
          
                              KIRK
                    So you two work together?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Only once a year. Talon is our
                    charity liaison at the air show.
          
                                TALON
                    And?
          
                              MOLLY
                    And my ex-boyfriend.
          
          Kirk starts to choke. He grabs his water glass and takes a
          swig but the ice collapses and the water pours all over him.
          
                               KIRK
                    Oh, boy.   I guess I better...
          
          Kirk heads off to the bathroom, muttering to himself.
          
                                KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Stupid.    Stupid. Stupid.
          
          INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT MEN'S ROOM
          
          Kirk is drying his shirt. A man is still zipping up as he
          takes the next sink. Before washing, he offers a handshake.
          
                              MAX
                    Excuse me. My name is Max Fleming.
                    I'm a financial planner.
          
          Kirk takes the handshake reluctantly and then gets a business
          card. Max then starts to wash up - so does Kirk.
          
                                KIRK
                    Oh, Hi.
          
                                                                     44.
          
          
          
                              MAX
                    Please forgive me but I'm curious.
                    Who manages your portfolio?
          
                              KIRK
                    My portfolio? I don't really...
          
          Max takes the last paper towel - forcing Kirk to drip dry.
          
                              MAX
                    It's okay if you'd rather not say. I
                    admit that selling my services in a
                    men's room is a tad aggressive but
                    isn't that what a man of your means
                    requires in his financial planner?
          
                                KIRK
                    My means.
          
                              MAX
                    Judging by the company you're
                    keeping, I'd say that you're making
                    a handsome living. I can help you
                    do even better.
          
          INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT RESTROOM HALL
          
          Kirk exits reading Max's card - somewhat bewildered. The
          Maitre d stops Kirk and speaks in a French accent.
          
                              MAITRE D
                    Excusez-moi Monsieur.   Might I have
                    a word?
          
                                KIRK
                    Oh, sure.    Is everything all right?
          
          The Maitre d looks around and then leans in and speaks
          quietly - now without the French accent.
          
                              MAITRE D
                    My kids eat here. My mother's here
                    right now you son of a bitch.
          
                               KIRK
                    Okay.   Did I...
          
                              MAITRE D
                    Look, I can appreciate that this is
                    not some common street-walker.
                    You're obviously willing to pay for
                    the best but we can't have this
                    kind of thing at my place.
          
                                                                  45.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    What? I'm not paying anyone.
                    We're just on a date.
          
                              MAITRE D
                    You are on a date with her? What
                    am I an idiot? Now, I don't wish
                    to embarrass you, sir, or make a
                    scene. So, enjoy your dinner but,
                    be warned, do not ever bring
                    another professional into my place.
                    (louder and back into the French
                    accent) Tres bien Monsieur!
          
          INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT
          
          When Kirk rounds the corner, he sees that Molly and Talon are
          still talking. Kirk hides behind a plant. Molly is beaming.
          She stands to hug Talon and kiss his cheek before he exits
          the restaurant. Kirk returns to the table.
          
                               KIRK
                    Oh, no.   Did I miss Talon?
          
                              MOLLY
                    He had to go but he asked me tell
                    you how much he enjoyed meeting you.
          
                               KIRK
                    Yeah. Super. He, uh, seems like a
                    great guy.
          
                              MOLLY
                    He is. He's wonderful. I know, I
                    know - the blue eyes and the rock
                    hard abs, right? But he's really
                    so much more than that. A gallery
                    in New York just opened an exhibit
                    of his photography. He's a genius.
          
                              KIRK
                        (to the waiter)
                    Can we get the check?
          
                              WAITER
                    Madame, your bill has been covered
                    by ze woman in ze Raiders Jacket.
          
          A butch woman in the bar raises a glass in Molly's direction.
          
          INT. MOLLY'S CAR - NIGHT
          
          Molly and Kirk pull into a parking lot.
          
                                                                     46.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh my gosh! This is your
                    apartment? I used to live in this
                    neighborhood back in college.
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, I'm gonna move to a better
                    place pretty soon.
          
                              MOLLY
                    We used to come to parties over
                    here sometimes. Oooohh. Can I
                    come up and see your place?
          
          EXT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          It's Friday night and several college parties are raging in
          the complex. Kirk leads Molly up the stairs and down the
          balcony hall toward his door. They pass a few college
          students on the way; a couple making out, a guy vomiting in a
          bush. Two apartment windows are covered with tapestries of
          Bob Marley and a giant pot leaf.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          Kirk and Molly enter.   The apartment is neat, clean and
          fairly sparse.
          
                              KIRK
                    It's not much, I know.
          
                              MOLLY
                    No, I like it!
          
          Molly walks around and examines certain items. Kirk quietly
          hides a framed picture of Marnie. Molly passes his computer
          desk where she coos at a screensaver of baby polar bears.
          Just as she passes it, she bumps the mouse and the computer
          comes to life, revealing a "Hot Back-Door Asians" website.
          Molly didn't see it and Kirk scrambles to turn off the
          monitor. She turns to see what he's doing. He smiles. She
          moves on to a rack of DVDs.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Wow, we have a lot of the same
                    DVDs. Life of Brian, Cool Hand
                    Luke, Family Guy... Beaches, Kirk?
          
                               KIRK
                    What?   It's a good movie.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I love that movie.
          
                                                                 47.
          
          
          
          She spots a crate full of vinyl records.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Wow, records. No Way! Look at all
                    this Cheap Trick!
          
                              KIRK
                    You like Cheap Trick?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Are you kidding? Heaven Tonight is
                    the first album I ever owned! A
                    hand-me-down from my big sister.
                    She was the coolest person in the
                    whole world.
          
          She notices an upright piano in the corner.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    You play the piano?
          
                              KIRK
                    A little. My grandma taught me.
                    It was kind of our thing. She was
                    a great player. Ragtime, show
                    tunes, that kind of thing. I'm
                    really not very good.
          
          She plops down on the couch.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, I'll bet you're great.   Play
                    something for me.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, I can't really play in front of
                    people.
          
                              MOLLY
                    What, the stage fright thing?    Come
                    on it's just me. Please?
          
                              KIRK
                    No, I really can't. Trust me,
                    you're not missing anything.
          
          Kirk decides to join her on the couch but then he balks into
          a little dance of almost sitting. He finally commits to sit.
          
                              MOLLY
                    So you've never played in front of
                    anyone?
          
                                                                 48.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Nope. Almost did once. A talent
                    show in high school. I just sat up
                    there drenched in sweat. I really
                    thought I could do it but then I
                    made my big mistake.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Let me guess. You looked at the
                    audience.
          
                              KIRK
                    Yep. All these eyes on me. I'm
                    shaking, my head is spinning, I'm
                    trying to remember if I even play
                    the piano... and then, I puked.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Right there on the stage?
          
                              KIRK
                    INTO the piano actually.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Shut up! You're lying!      Why would
                    you do that?
          
                              KIRK
                    It was a reflex. I was trying not
                    to barf on the floor. Turns out
                    it's a lot easier to clean puke off
                    a stage than out of a baby grand.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Yeah, that has to be a real bitch.
                    Oh, I shouldn't be laughing. You
                    poor thing.
          
          Molly brushes his hair back with her hand. Kirk is frozen
          with fear. Molly leans in. Kirk also leans in but not too
          far. Molly smiles, realizing that it's up to her to make
          this official. She takes him by the collar, reels him in and
          kisses him. They make out for a moment. Kirk is near panic
          but he does his best to keep it together.
          
                              KIRK
                    Sorry. I'm a little cotton-mouthed.
                    I'm going to get a glass of water.
                    How 'bout for you? Water? A nice
                    glass of, you know...water?
          
                               MOLLY
                    Yeah.   That sounds good.
          
                                                                   49.
          
          
          
          Kirk steps away from her and disappears into...
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
          
          He pours a glass of water. He's about to return when he sees
          his reflection in the window. The boner under his khakis is
          not subtle. He looks down and starts to panic.
          
                              KIRK
                    Um... You want anything to eat?
          
                                 MOLLY (O.S.)
                    No thanks.
          
          Kirk opens the fridge and thrusts his pelvis in. He takes a
          few deep, calming breaths.   He closes the fridge - still at
          full alert. Kirk searches the kitchen, his panic building.
          He grabs a Time Magazine. He flips through frantically. He
          turns to a bikini model in an ad, then a naked aboriginal
          women, then bare breasts in a breast cancer article.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh come on!
          
          He is sweating like crazy.
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    Can I give you a hand?
          
                               KIRK
                    No.   I got it!
          
          Kirk finally flips to a picture of Barbara Bush.   He stares
          at it hard. His boner begins to retreat.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
                              MOLLY
                    Listen Kirk, I want you to know
                    that I would really like to, you
                    know, to be with you tonight.
          
                                 KIRK (O.S.)
                    Really?
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
          
          The boner pops back up. Kirk silently mouths, "MOTHERFUCKER!"
          at his mischievous little man.
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    Well, sure. But... I just don't
                    think I'm ready yet.
          
                                                                 50.
          
          
          
          Kirk's reply is rushed with enthusiastic relief.
          
                             KIRK
                    Sure! Sure! Yeah! No problem!
                    Great! That's...that's great!
                    Ice!? You want some ice!?
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    Sure.
          
          Kirk opens the freezer. He puts a few cubes in her water and
          then grabs a fistful and shoves his hand in his pants.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          Molly gets cozy on the couch and looks even sexier.
          
                              MOLLY
                    I mean, don't get me wrong. I want
                    to! Believe me - getting naked and
                    crazy sounds fantastic right now.
          
                              KIRK (O.S.)
                    Shit!
          
                              MOLLY
                    Are you okay?
          
                              KIRK (O.S.)
                    Yeah, fine.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT KITCHEN
          
          Kirk runs the water while he digs under the sink. He finds
          duct tape. He pulls some tape off the roll. It makes a loud
          noise that causes Molly to pause and Kirk to tense up. Kirk
          opens his pants and begins taping down the trouble-spot. He
          coughs hard to cover each subsequent tug of the tape roll.
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    I just think we should get to know
                    each other first.   I'm no prude.
                    I mean, I'm pretty generous in bed.
                    Once I trust a person, I like to
                    experiment and get pretty wild.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, dear God.
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    But, I just need to feel safe
                    first.
          
                                                                   51.
          
          
          
          Kirk finishes taping up, zips his pants and checks his
          profile in the reflection from the window.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          Kirk returns with two glasses of water and no visible boner.
          
                               KIRK
                    Hey.   I'm totally fine with that.
          
                              MOLLY
                    You're the best.
          
          Kirk gives an "aw-shucks" head tilt.    Molly stands.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Okay, well, I'd better go then.
          
          They walk to the door. Molly leans in and they kiss a few
          moments more. Kirk winces as the tape is getting a little
          snug. She drops her keys and then goes down on one knee to
          retrieve them. Suddenly she starts coughing. She puts her
          fist over her mouth.
          
          Kirk's POV:   As her head and fist bob in front of his crotch.
          
          Kirk winces again. She hears the tape start to give way.
          She looks up, slightly confused. Kirk looks around as though
          he's looking for the source of the sound. Molly stands.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    I had a really nice time.    I'll
                    call you tomorrow.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Great!
          
          Kirk opens the door for Molly.
          
          EXT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          As Molly exits, she gives him one last kiss. Two studly male
          college students are playing foosball on their patio. They
          stop when one points out the hottie who's kissing Kirk.
          Molly trots off.
          
                                 COLLEGE STUDENT #1
                    Damn, man!     That chick is fine!
          
          Kirk returns a cool "whassup" nod to the guys.
          
                              COLLEGE STUDENT #2
                    All right Mr. Kettner!
          
                                                                   52.
          
          
          
                              COLLEGE STUDENT #1
                    You wanna play some foos!?
          
                              KIRK
                    No thanks fellas.
          
          Kirk beams from the attention as he goes back inside.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT
          
          He drifts over to his piano and sits down. The joy of what
          has just happened is plastered on his face. He launches into
          a furiously happy Jerry Lee Lewis style romp. Soon a
          neighbor is pounding on the wall. Kirk stops playing.
          
                              KIRK
                    Sorry, Mrs. Neusbaum!
          
          Kirk continues his celebration, dancing around the apartment.
          He picks up the picture of Marnie and speaks to it.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Ron seems like a swell guy. I love
                    Pizza Hut. What? Who's this?
                    Why, this is my girlfriend, Molly.
                    Oh, don't be that way. Oh, there,
                    there, now. Here's a tissue.
          
          He drops the picture and continues the dance.
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          Kirk lies in bed staring at the ceiling fan. The smile
          continues as he drifts off to sleep. Time lapses as Kirk
          sleeps and the sun comes up. Still smiling, his eyes open
          like a shot and he reaches for his phone - "No Missed Calls."
          
          MONTAGE OVER MUSIC:
          
          1) Kirk gets up and goes into the bathroom.   He checks his
          gut and hairline in the mirror.
          
          2) From under his bed, he pulls out a Total Gym still in the
          box. It is dusty, unopened and has a ribbon still attached
          along with a card that reads, "Happy Graduation - Love Mom
          and Dad." He sits in the living room bewildered as he reads
          the directions. The parts are spread out all over the floor.
          He works out on the machine but it soon violently collapses
          underneath him. He checks his phone. "No Missed Calls."
          
          3) He throws away unhealthy snacks and treats from the
          cupboards.
          
                                                                    53.
          
          
          He opens an untouched box of Healthy Bran and fills a bowl.
          He watches cartoons as he heaps sugar on the healthy cereal
          and then checks his phone. "No Missed Calls."
          
          3) He surfs the web. He reads info on the Hair Club For Men
          site. He moves to Hot_or_Not.com. The first woman is very
          pretty. He rates her a seven, the next is also pretty and
          gets another seven, the next girl is very unattractive. Her
          score is three. Kirk feels bad for her and rates her a ten.
          He checks his phone. He moves on to "BackDoorAsians.com."
          
          4) Kirk watches a Connery James Bond movie on TV. The lower
          third reads, "AMC's 24 Hours of Bond." No Missed Calls. The
          sun is setting and Bond is now Roger Moore - No Missed Calls.
          Kirk digs a box of Ding Dongs out of the trash and eats them
          as he watches. It's dark outside and Kirk is in bed watching
          Timothy Dalton - No Missed Calls. The morning light is
          creeping in as Pierce Brosnan does the driving and Kirk is
          still awake looking devastated - No Missed Calls.
          
          5) Kirk is at a convenience store buying milk. He is a mess -
          tired, unshaven, wearing a frumpy sweatsuit. He passes the
          magazine rack and something catches his eye. It's a gorgeous
          picture of Molly on the cover of Phoenix Entrepreneur
          Magazine. Kirk holds up the magazine and then catches his
          own reflection in a mirror on a sunglasses rack.
          
          6) Kirk is walking home. Every street sign, billboard and T-
          shirt he sees reads, "NO MISSED CALLS."
          
          MUSIC FADES OUT
          
          INT. KIRK'S APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAY
          
          He stands in the shower sulking. He hears the phone ring in
          the next room. He jumps out, grabs a small towel and starts
          to dry off as he runs into the bedroom. He reaches the
          charger base but the phone is not there. He stands and
          listens hard to the ringing. He runs into the living room.
          Angle on the phone. It's hiding under a pillow on the couch.
          In the background, Kirk rushes around the room flipping up
          papers and magazines. The phone keeps ringing and Kirk's
          panic increases until he finally spots the phone. Kirk dives
          for it, losing his towel in the process.
          
                               KIRK
                    Hello!?   Hello!?
          
                              STAINER (V.O.)
                    Took you long enough. What were
                    you doing, taking a growler?
          
          Kirk notices a woman on the landing outside behind him.   She
          can see his ass through the window. He covers up.
          
                                                                  54.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Sorry, Mrs. Nuesbaum.
          
          EXT. DOWNTOWN SHOPPING DISTRICT - DAY
          
          Kirk and Stainer come out of a record store and walk past the
          shops and restaurants. Kirk holds a stack of flyers for
          Stainer's band. As they walk, Kirk hands flyers to Stainer
          who posts them on walls and kiosks with a staple hammer.
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirk, it's a simple rule of life.
                    Look around. People are pretty
                    evenly matched.
          
          Kirk and Stainer look at the couples that stand at the bus
          stop, sit in the outdoor cafes and walk down the sidewalk.
          Each couple is fairly closely matched - pretty with pretty,
          ugly with ugly, heavy with heavy, fit with fit.
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, but Stainer, she was the one
                    who asked me out. So, why...
          
                              STAINER
                    That first night, were you
                    intimidated by her?
          
                              KIRK
                    No, I didn't think I had a chance.
          
                             STAINER
                    Exactly. So you were relaxed and
                    funny. You were on.
          
          Stainer posts several "Wheel in the Sky" flyers on a kiosk.
          
                              KIRK
                    So I gotta get back to that.
          
                              STAINER
                    That's just it, Kirky. Now that
                    she's opened the door, you can't
                    get back to that.
          
                              KIRK
                    So I'll have to fake it?
          
                              STAINER
                    Forget it. You can't fake that
                    far. A broad like her - she'll
                    smell that horseshit a mile away.
          
                                                                  55.
          
          
          
          Kirk and Stainer enter a...
          
          EXT. CAFE FRONT PATIO
          
          ...and take a table on the crowded patio.
          
                              STAINER
                    Can we get a couple of menus?
                    (then to Kirk) You eating?
          
                              KIRK
                    Maybe just a salad.
          
                              STAINER
                    Dude, one salad ain't going make up
                    for thirty years of chili dogs.
          
                              KIRK
                    I know. But I got dinner with my
                    folks later.
          
                              STAINER
                    Fun. Be sure and stab your brother
                    in the eye with a fork for me.
          
                              KIRK
                    Sorry, Eric's not coming tonight.
          
          Kirk motions toward a mismatched couple (nerdy guy with
          knockout girl) who pass Kirk and Stainer's table on their way
          to the valet stand. Stainer rolls his eyes.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    You know what - this is ridiculous.
                    I'm just going to call her.
          
                              STAINER
                    Fuck you are! Put that thing away.
                    You do not call her. Don't you get
                    it? Talon is back in town.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, she broke up with him.
          
                              STAINER
                    So, you're telling me you were
                    sitting there, a sweating,
                    quivering stutter-bucket and when
                    you came back from the can, Molly's
                    hugging a guy who's so good looking
                    you'd probably fuck him. What do
                    you think she's doing this weekend?
          
                                                                   56.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    So what am I supposed to do?
          
                              STAINER
                    What can you do? She hasn't called
                    - she's not going to.
          
                              KIRK
                    You're probably right.
          
                              STAINER
                    Just count yourself lucky. You got
                    to kiss a goddess and you got out
                    before she recalibrated your
                    hardware. A chick like that can
                    raise the bar too high and then
                    once she dumps you, nobody else
                    measures up.
          
                              KIRK
                    No, you're right. You know what -
                    it's good. It's better. I'm
                    actually relieved. You should have
                    seen this Talon guy. Man! All
                    I've been thinking about is having
                    to be naked in front of her. I
                    don't need that kind of pressure.
          
          The valet pulls a red Ferrari up to the mismatched couple and
          the nerdy guy opens the door for her. Stainer shakes his
          head as if to say, "Was there even a doubt?"
          
          Kirk's phone is sitting on the table - it rings.   Kirk and
          Stainer can see Molly's name on the caller ID.
          
                              STAINER
                    Don't do it!
          
          The phone rings again. Kirk glances down at the phone.
          Stainer keeps a stern eye on Kirk. RING! Close on Kirk's
          eyes turning weak. RING! Close on Stainer's threatening
          eyes. RING! Kirk gives up and looks away. Stainer's eyes
          calm. Kirk snatches the phone but Stainer grabs Kirk's
          wrist, pinning it to the table. RING!
          
                              KIRK
                    Cut it out!
          
                                 STAINER
                    Let it go!
          
                                                                    57.
          
          
          
          RING! Kirk reaches for the phone with his other hand but
          Stainer's free hand intercepts it and these arms flail around
          like battling snakes. Kirk presses the button to answer the
          call and, instead, moves his head down to the phone.
          
                              KIRK
                    Hello!?... Oh, no problem! Yeah I
                    was super busy yesterday anyway.
          
                              STAINER
                    Would you look at yourself?
          
          Stainer lets go and Kirk sits up and backs away.
          
                              KIRK
                    Well, I have dinner with my folks
                    tonight... Oh, I wouldn't want to
                    subject you to them... Okay. If
                    you want to. I can pick you up...
          
          Kirk gives a confident smile and an "I told you she'd call"
          nod. Stainer crosses his arms and shakes his head.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Oh, sure. Well then let me call
                    you back in a few minutes and I'll
                    give you directions. Alrighty.
                    Yeah. Buh-bye.
          
                              STAINER
                    Well, I guess you just solved that.
                    An hour with your family and she'll
                    file for a restraining order.
          
                              KIRK
                    No. Eric's not going to be there.
                    It's going to be good. You might
                    be wrong about Molly. She might...
          
          Stainer spots a round little boy posting a "Lost Puppy" flyer
          over one of the ten he just posted on the kiosk.
          
                              STAINER
                        (to the boy)
                    Whoa! I don't think so Spanky!   A
                    little lower!
          
          The boy instead posts it over a "Walk For a Cure" poster.
          
          EXT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME - EVENING
          
          Molly drives up and stops in front of a small home on a
          quaint residential street.
          
                                                                     58.
          
          
          She climbs out of her car, checking the address on a small
          sheet of paper. She sees Kirk sitting on the front porch.
          
                              KIRK
                    You found it!
          
                              MOLLY
                    I had good directions!
          
          She steps up the front walk toward Kirk, who points to a
          little yellow note taped to the front door.
          
                              KIRK
                    I'm sorry. My folks aren't back
                    yet. We're locked out.
          
                              MOLLY
                    You don't have a key?
          
                              KIRK
                    No. My dad's kind of obsessed with
                    home-security. Like someone's
                    going to break in and steal his
                    Reader's Digest collection.
          
          A very old man wobbles out of the house next door with a
          beagle on a leash. The man struggles a bit with the dog.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Hi, Mr. Riley!
          
                              MR. RILEY
                    Well, howdy Kirk!
          
                              KIRK
                    Hey, what do say you take the night
                    off and I'll take Noodle around the
                    block for you? (to Molly) Are you
                    up for a walk?
          
                              MOLLY
                    That sounds great.
          
                              MR. RILEY
                    Geeze Kirk, that's mighty nice.
          
          Kirk jogs over to take the leash.   Noodle jumps up on Kirk.
          He and Molly pet the excited dog.
          
                              KIRK
                        (baby talk)
                    Yes! Always happy to see you,
                    pretty girl! Yes you are a pretty
                    girl! Yes you are!
          
                                                                    59.
          
          
          
          Molly takes note - animal lover - big points.
          
                              MR. RILEY
                    You're a good boy, Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    It's no trouble at all.
          
          Molly and Kirk start down the sidewalk with Noodle. An old
          woman comes out of the next house with her dog on a leash.
          
                               OLD WOMAN
                    Honey!?   Are you back in business!?
          
                              KIRK
                        (To Molly)
                    I had a little neighborhood dog-
                    walking service when I was a kid .
                    (to the woman) No problem, Mrs. D,
                    we can take Norton along too!
          
          Several soft-faded cuts as Kirk and Molly move through the
          neighborhood. Soon they have a third dog. Kirk points out
          landmarks as they talk and laugh. Now they have a fourth
          dog. Molly takes his arm.
          
          The evening light is a bit dimmer as they give Noodle back to
          Mr. Riley. Kirk turns toward his parents' house. Now
          there's a car parked in the driveway and a jacked-up, knobby-
          tired pick-up parked out front. The truck has two bumper
          stickers ("One Nation Under GOD!" and "No Fat Chicks!")
          flanking a vanity license plate that reads, "ERIX-TOY."
          Kirk's shoulders slump at the sight of it.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Hey, you know what I'm thinking,
                    let's go get Chinese.
          
                              MOLLY
                    What are you talking about?   I want
                    to meet your family.
          
          They start toward the door.   Molly's cell phone rings.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    I'm so sorry. It's Patty. I've
                    got to take this. Go ahead. I'll
                    be right in.
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME - EVENING
          
          Kirk comes through the front door to find his father in the
          living room watching a hockey game.
          
                                                                     60.
          
          
          
                               KIRK
                    Hey dad.
          
                              MR. KETTNER
                        (without looking up)
                    Kirk.
          
                              MRS. KETTNER (O.S.)
                    Hi sweetie!
          
          Eric steps out of the kitchen with three beers.
          
                              ERIC
                    Close the door, fucknut.
          
                              KIRK
                    Hey Eric. I thought you were
                    hanging drywall tonight.
          
                              ERIC
                    Nah. Fuckin' Leroy fired me again.
                    Like that dick never came to work
                    with a little buzz on.
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay, listen, I brought a date
                    tonight. I really like her.
                    Please don't embarrass me in front
                    of her. I'll do anything you want.
          
                              ERIC
                    I promise I won't mention her
                    goiter.
          
          Eric and Dad crack up.
          
          A flushing sound and then Ron comes out of the bathroom.
          He's buckling up. Kirk's shoulders drop again.
          
                              RON
                    I did like you said Mr. K.
          
          Eric tosses Ron and Mr. Kettner each a beer.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, hey Ron. So Marnie's here?
          
          Marnie appears in the door of the kitchen. She's holding a
          corningware pot filled with mashed potatoes.
          
          Molly finishes her call. She's up the front steps and Kirk
          lets her in. Eric, Ron and Mr. Kettner are stunned. Marnie
          drops the pot and it smashes on the floor in front of her.
          
                                                                     61.
          
          
          Mrs. Kettner and Debbie rush out to see what Marnie is gaping
          at. Debbie (still pregnant) is immediately threatened by the
          way Eric is looking at Molly.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    Everyone, this is Molly McCall.
          
          Kirk's never seen his family so impressed. He can't hide his
          grin. Ron pops the cap off his beer and it overflows a bit.
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' KITCHEN - NIGHT
          
          Kirk, Molly, Mr. & Mrs. Kettner, Marnie, Ron and Debbie sit
          around the kitchen table and feast on a meatloaf dinner.
          Eric is at the fridge grabbing a beer. Marnie is angrily
          watching Ron whose eyes are all over Molly.
          
                              ERIC
                    You want another one Dad?
          
                              MR. KETTNER
                    You read my mind.
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    You two take it easy now. We have
                    guests. (THEN) Eric honey, I'm
                    sure if you apologize to Leroy,
                    he'll take you back.
          
          Eric returns to the table with the beers.
          
                              ERIC
                    Nah, fuck him. Anyways, Leroy ain't
                    payin' shit ever since he trucked
                    in all those spics from Fresno.
          
                              KIRK
                    Geeze Eric!
          
          Ron looks offended and raises a palm to indicate that...
          
                              RON
                    I got this, Kirk. Eric, before you
                    go bad-mouthin' a whole group of
                    people, you should know that my
                    grandmother on my father's side is
                    from Fresno.
          
                              ERIC
                    Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
                    (THEN) So, Molly. What do you do?
          
                              MOLLY
                    I'm an event planner.
          
                                                                  62.
          
          
          
                              ERIC
                    You see? That's using your head.
                    That's a business to get into.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Well, thank you Eric.
          
                              ERIC
                    Book a band, blow up a few balloons
                    and people pay out the ass for it.
          
                              KIRK
                    There's a little more to it than
                    that, Eric. Molly handles some big
                    events. She's even doing a benefit
                    with Billy Joel next month.
          
                              MOLLY
                        (PLAYFULLY)
                    Actually, Eric's right.   Just a few
                    balloons.
          
          Molly smiles to reassure Kirk that she can handle herself.
          
                              RON
                    You know, Molly, I'm a business
                    owner myself. A little restaurant.
          
                              MARNIE
                    I wouldn't really call it a
                    restaurant, Ron.
          
                              RON
                    We serve food that people eat.   So -
                    restaurant.
          
                              MARNIE
                    It's a Pizza Hut with no tables.
                    It's a take out place.
          
                              ERIC
                    So, Molly, me and Debbie here are
                    getting hitched. What do you get
                    for a wedding job?
          
          Kirk raises his eyebrows into "please-behave-yourself" puppy
          dog eyes. Eric shoots back an "oh whatever" sneer.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Hmmm. Honestly, I don't really do a
                    lot of weddings. I specialize more
                    in fund-raisers, corporate events,
                    that kind of thing.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                63.
          
                    MOLLY (CONT'D)
          Right now I'm working on the annual
          benefit for the Children's Cancer
          Center.
          
                    ERIC
          But you've done weddings.
          
                    MOLLY
          I've done a few.
          
                    ERIC
          So, what do you get for one?
          
                    KIRK
          Dad, could you...
          
                    DEBBIE
          Don't get your panties in a wad,
          Kirk. He's just making
          conversation.
          
                    MOLLY
          Geeze, there are so many factors
          that affect the cost of a wedding.
          
                    ERIC
          We're looking at about two hundred
          people and we're gonna do this
          whole Nascar theme.
          
                    DEBBIE
          I'm getting a kick-ass dress made
          out of actual checkered flags and
          Eric is going to be in an orange
          tux with a big Home Depot logo on
          the back and Tony Stewart's number
          20 on the shoulders.
          
                    MOLLY
          Oh, how fun!
          
                    ERIC
          So what's the damage for
          supervising something like that?
          
                    KIRK
          Eric, please.
          
                    ERIC
          I'm just talkin' ballpark. I'm
          ain't gonna try and Jew her down.
          
                                                                  64.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    Okay. Before expenses, my base fee
                    for a non-charity event is fifteen
                    thousand. So, I'd ballpark that
                    somewhere around twenty-five grand.
          
                              ERIC
                        (STUNNED)
                    Fuck a duck.
          
          For a moment everyone is chewing and there is a break in the
          conversation. Kirk is getting wound up tighter and tighter.
          
                              ERIC (CONT'D)
                    So you're making a comfortable
                    living, you seem like you got your
                    head together more or less and
                    Christ, look at ya. What the hell
                    you doing with numbnuts here?
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    Eric!
          
                              ERIC
                    Come on, Ma - we're all thinking it.
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    Molly, I'm so sorry.
          
                              MOLLY
                    No, it's fine. The truth is, Kirk
                    and I are just getting to know one
                    another but so far, I think he's
                    decent, he's funny and... You
                    know, when we first met, Kirk asked
                    me in all sincerity if I knew how
                    to do an oil change.
          
          Eric, Ron and Mr. Kettner each let out a quick burst of "yeah
          right" laughter.
          
                             MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    I know! And, you're right, I don't
                    but... I just love that he asked.
          
          A moment passes as they all process this. The women at the
          table all know exactly what Molly means. The men are simply
          confused.
          
                              ERIC
                    Funny? Kirk is funny?    Tell us a
                    joke there Sinbad.
          
                                                                     65.
          
          
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    (to Kirk) Well I hope you can hold
                    onto this one pumpkin. (to Molly)
                    When Marnie broke up with him he
                    was devastated for months, the poor
                    little guy.
          
          Marnie looks up, surprised and touched by the comment.   Kirk
          is mortified.
          
                              ERIC
                    No shit, when you dump him, he's
                    liable to kill himself.
          
          Kirk rubs his own head to keep it from exploding. Molly calms
          him with a hand on his back. This move isn't lost on Marnie.
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' BATHROOM - LATER
          
          Kirk splashes water on his face and then looks for a towel
          but can't find one. He's forced to use his sleeve. He is a
          wreck. He takes a deep breath and steps out into...
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' HOME ENTRY HALL
          
          ...to find Marnie at the front door putting her coat on.
          
                              KIRK
                    Are you heading home?
          
                              MARNIE
                    Got to get home and let Peanut out.
                    (she wipes some lint off of Kirk's
                    shirt sleeve.) Kirk, you look
                    really good.
          
                               KIRK
                    Thanks.   You do too.
          
          Marnie smiles a sad smile.
          
                               MARNIE
                    Ron!   Let's go!
          
                              RON
                    I'm coming! It was really
                    fantastic to meet you Molly.   If
                    you ever need a pizza...
          
          Ron gives Molly a hug that makes Marnie as uncomfortable as
          it does Molly. He then passes Kirk as he crosses to the
          front door, carrying a pile of foiled over paper plates.
          
                                                                     66.
          
          
          
                              RON (CONT'D)
                    Cripes Kirk! Crack a window in
                    there pirate! HAHAHA!
          
          Ron and Marnie exit.   Kirk walks back into...
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' KITCHEN
          
          Mrs. Kettner and Molly are cleaning up.
          
                              KIRK
                    Molly, you don't have to do that.
          
                              MOLLY
                    No, It's fine.
          
                              MRS. KETTNER
                    You let us have some girl time.
                    Take these downstairs to your dad.
          
          She hands Kirk a bag of Fritos and shoes him through the
          basement door.
          
          INT. KIRK'S PARENTS' BASEMENT - NIGHT
          
          Kirk's father has built a tacky little basement bar decorated
          with neon beer signs and Eric's old trophies and ribbons.
          Mr. Kettner and Debbie sit at the bar and smoke as Eric
          stands behind the bar and serves them cocktails. Kirk comes
          down the basement stairs and joins them. The hockey game
          wrap-up highlights are running on a TV mounted above the bar.
          
                              KIRK
                    So, what was the final score?
          
                              ERIC
                    You think you're hot shit now?    Is
                    that it?
          
                              KIRK
                    Look, Eric, you've had a lot to
                    drink tonight and...
          
                              DEBBIE
                    Don't tell him what to do. (to
                    Eric) You're doing fine, baby.
          
                              ERIC
                    You think you're better than me.
                    Say it. Well take a look around,
                    Big Slick. (re: trophies) Every
                    one of these says Eric. First
                    place! First Place! M.V.P.!
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  67.
          
                              ERIC (CONT'D)
                    Winner! Winner! You think you're
                    the winner now? Well forget it,
                    man! I don't buy this for a second.
          
                              KIRK
                        (STANDING)
                    Well, it's been fun.
          
                              MR. KETTNER
                    Now don't be that way, boy. All
                    your big brother is trying to say
                    is that we're worried about you.
          
                              ERIC
                    You show up here with that piece of
                    ass!? Either you're fucking with
                    us or she's fucking with you so
                    which is it?
          
                              KIRK
                    Look, I know she's a little out of
                    my league but...
          
                              ERIC
                    A little!? Are you shitting me?
                    Alright, alright! I think we can
                    all agree that Debbie here is one
                    wicked hot box.
          
          Debbie smiles and squeezes Eric's hand. Mr. Kettner nods and
          raises his glass.
          
                              KIRK
                    She's um... very attractive.
          
                              ERIC
                    Yeah, and this Molly makes her look
                    like a pig.
          
          Debbie lets go of Eric's hand and storms upstairs.
          
                              ERIC (CONT'D)
                    You see? This girl of yours is
                    already startin' shit. (Calling
                    after Debbie) Come on baby! Kirk
                    didn't mean nothing by that!
          
                              KIRK
                    Look, I don't know what's going on
                    either but...
          
                              ERIC
                    I'm goin' upstairs and gettin' to
                    the bottom of this.
          
                                                                     68.
          
          
          
                                  KIRK
                    Eric!   No!
          
                              ERIC
                    I think this gal is messing with my
                    little brother and I'm not going to
                    sit still for it.
          
                              KIRK
                    Eric! Okay! I know! I'm sure
                    she's just slumming or something
                    and it's all going to be over any
                    minute but, Jesus Christ! She'll
                    come to her senses without any help
                    from you! She's up there with...
          
          Kirk turns to point up the stairs. As he glances back, he
          finds Molly standing on the steps listening and frowning down
          at him. Before Kirk can get a word out, Molly storms out of
          the house. Kirk runs upstairs but she's in her car before he
          can get out the front door. Eric appears behind him.
          
                              ERIC
                    Way to go numbnuts. You should
                    have let me handle it.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
          
          Kirk stands at work, searching Habib's bag and looking
          grouchy. Fuller monitors Kirk, arms crossed. Habib lets out
          a long irritated sigh.
          
                               KIRK
                    I know.   I'm sorry, man.
          
          Kirk hands the bag back to Habib and sends him on his way.
          Randy, another agent, hands Kirk a note.
          
          INSERT: The note reads, "Kirk, We need to talk.     I'm in the
          food court. -M."
          
          Kirk sighs.   Stainer is now reading over Kirk's shoulder.
          
                              STAINER
                    Well, I guess this is it. I'm
                    surprised she even bothered.
          
          INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT
          
          The food court is crowded.     Kirk looks around for Molly but
          does not see her.
          
                                                                  69.
          
          
          
                              MARNIE (O.S.)
                    Good, you got my note.
          
          Kirk turns to find Marnie sitting at a table working on a
          Burrito Supreme.
          
                                    KIRK
                    Oh.     Yeah.     Hi.
          
                              MARNIE
                    I'm sorry to bug you at work but
                    this couldn't wait.
          
          Kirk sits down.
          
                              MARNIE (CONT'D)
                    Kirk, I think I messed up. I see a
                    change in you and I like it. So, I
                    was thinking that we should
                    maybe... get back together. Just
                    to try it out, you know?
          
                                KIRK
                    Wow.    I don't know, Marnie.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Why not? Please don't say it's
                    because of this Molly person.
          
                               KIRK
                    No, I think I already screwed that
                    up anyway.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Good. I was really worried about
                    you with her. She seems like kind
                    of a bitch.
          
                                KIRK
                    What?    She is not.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Well, she acts like she's better
                    than everyone with her hybrid car
                    and her la-de-da charity work.
          
                              KIRK
                    She doesn't do that at all, Marnie.
                    You're just putting that on her.
          
                                                                 70.
          
          
          
                              MARNIE
                    Okay, maybe so. See? This is what
                    I mean. You never argued with me
                    before. You're really growing.
          
                              KIRK
                    What about Ron?
          
                              MARNIE
                    If you want to get back together,
                    of course, I'll break up with Ron.
          
                              KIRK
                    You mean you're still with him?
          
                              MARNIE
                    I'm not going to risk being all
                    alone just because you don't know
                    what's good for you. Come on,
                    Kirk. Deep down, you know where
                    you belong.
          
                              KIRK
                    You're right, I think I do.   Say hi
                    to Ron for me.
          
          Kirk stands and walks away.
          
          EXT. AIR SHOW ENTRANCE - DAY
          
          Kirk and Stainer are at the ticket gate. Kirk pays for his
          ticket but Stainer stands staring at him.
          
                              KIRK
                    What?
          
                              STAINER
                    This wasn't my idea. I ain't
                    dropping twenty bucks to go in
                    there. God-damned planes are in
                    the sky. I can see 'em just fine
                    from the parking lot for free.
          
          Kirk begrudgingly buys Stainer a ticket.
          
          EXT. AIR SHOW
          
          Kirk and Stainer move through the crowd. Stainer now carries
          a corn dog, a giant soda and an armload of Air Show
          memorabilia, including an inflatable F/A-18 Hornet.
          
                                                                  71.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    She's working one of the kids'
                    charities. I'm guessing they might
                    be down by the rides.
          
                              STAINER
                    Whoa dude, check it out.   The Blue
                    Angels!
          
          Five men in flight suits and aviator sunglasses strut through
          the crowd in slow motion. They exude masculine confidence.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Those are the coolest guys in the
                    entire world. Think about it -
                    George Clooney or Derek Jeter would
                    trade places with those guys in a
                    second. Can you imagine the sheer
                    magnitude of puss those fuckers tag?
                    I'm gonna get 'em to sign my Hornet!
          
          Stainer runs toward them. He joins some kids and beautiful
          women who are already getting autographs.
          
          Kirk spots Molly working a charity booth. He crosses to her.
          She turns to him with a this-better-be-good stance.
          
                              KIRK
                    Molly.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    I just wanted to apologize for last
                    night... for my family.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Your family I can deal with.
          
                              KIRK
                    And for me... For what I said.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Do you really think I'm that
                    shallow? You think I need to slum?
          
                              KIRK
                    No. I don't know what to think.
                    You just have to understand that
                    this is a new area for me. Believe
                    it or not, I don't have gobs of
                    experience with beautiful women.
          
                                                                     72.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    Is that all I am to you?
          
                              KIRK
                    No, but I don't have much
                    experience with brilliant,
                    successful, wonderful women either.
          
          This melts Molly a bit.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, this can't work if you put me
                    up on some kind of pedestal.
          
                              KIRK
                    It's not that I... Okay, look...
                    When I was a kid, we played a lot
                    of baseball in my neighborhood.
                    The worst part was picking teams
                    because I was always picked last.
                    Every time. Like they couldn't
                    start a friggin' game without first
                    establishing how much I sucked.
                    So, now you come along and make me
                    feel like the first pick. But...
                    what if I can't hit?
          
          Molly softens and smiles.
          
                              MOLLY
                    You already got to first base.
                    Just keep your eye on the ball.
          
          Kirk nods and smiles back.   Molly steals a quick kiss.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Let me tie up a couple things and
                    I'll show you around the grounds.
          
                              KIRK
                    Sounds good.
          
          Molly goes into a tent to speak to Patty.    Kirk watches her
          with a calm, relieved smile.
          
                              VOICE (O.S.)
                    Boy, she sure is something, huh?
          
          Kirk turns toward the imposing Blue Angel pilot standing
          behind him. The pilot removes his shades - it's Talon.
          
                                                                  73.
          
          
          
                              TALON
                    It's Kirk right? (firm handshake)
                    Excellent to see you again, sir.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Oh, Talon.     You're a Blue Angel?
          
                              TALON
                    Yes sir, a Naval Aviator.
          
                              KIRK
                    Perfect. Okay, I get it - Talon is
                    what - your call-sign?
          
                              TALON
                    No, it's my name.
          
                              KIRK
                    Then what's your call-sign?
          
                              TALON
                    Oh, I'd rather not say. It's
                    embarrassing. Just something the
                    guys gave me...
          
          Talon puts his arm around Kirk and walks him away from the
          booth.
          
                              TALON (CONT'D)
                    Anyway listen Kirk, is it fair to
                    say that you and Mol are close?
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, I guess.
          
                              TALON
                    Well, I understand that fellas like
                    yourself tend to have uniquely
                    candid relationships with the women
                    they befriend. Am I right?
          
                              KIRK
                    Fellas like myself?
          
                              TALON
                    Don't get me wrong. I have no
                    problem with your lifestyle. What
                    grown men do in the privacy of
                    their homes is none of my concern.
          
                              KIRK
                    Talon, I'm not...
          
                                                                     74.
          
          
          
                              TALON
                    Hey, I'm in the Navy. I don't ask
                    and I don't expect you to tell.
          
          Talon looks over his shoulder to confirm they are alone.
          
                              TALON (CONT'D)
                    Now, I don't know what Molly's told
                    you about me, but anything bad - I
                    deserve. I hurt that girl. I hurt
                    one of God's own angels and I've
                    regretted it every minute since.
          
                               KIRK
                    No.   She speaks very highly...
          
                              TALON
                    God as my witness, I WILL make it
                    right. I WILL get her back. Can I
                    count on you to put in the good
                    word for me, Poncho?
          
                              KIRK
                    Um... Sure.
          
                              TALON
                    You're the man. Come here.
          
          Talon embraces Kirk in a tight hug.
          
                              TALON (CONT'D)
                    There you go. Feel the tolerance.
          
          Another Blue Angel calls over while signing Stainer's plane.
          
                             BLUE ANGEL #2
                    Yo! Foot-Long! We scramble in
                    ten.
          
                               TALON
                    Roger!
          
          Talon finishes the long hug. He and the other Blue Angels
          walk off in formation. Stainer rejoins Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    That was Talon.
          
                              STAINER
                    Who? The Blue Angel guy?    (cracking
                    up) Duuuuude!
          
          Molly joins them.
          
                                                                  75.
          
          
          
          MONTAGE OVER LOUD CATCHY TUNE:
          
          1) Kirk and Molly walk arm in arm through the air show crowd.
          Kirk's POV as every guy that passes checks her out. Close on
          Kirk's proud expression. The Blue Angels take flight. Close
          on the planes as they weave in and out of an intricate
          formation. A wider shot reveals that their jet trails spell
          out "MOLLY" inside a heart. Reverse to pan across Molly
          (worried about Kirk's reaction), Kirk (trying not betray his
          insecurity) and Stainer (trying to hold back his laughter.)
          
          2) Kirk and Molly in a crowded movie theatre. She squeezes
          his hand and he smiles back at her. Molly turns back to the
          screen and Kirk's smile quickly degrades into a dirty look.
          The shot widens to reveal who Kirk is glaring at - another
          man (also with a date) sits on Molly's opposite side and
          stares down at her cleavage. The man looks up to meet Kirk's
          gaze and smiles back. He offers Kirk a fist-tap behind
          Molly's head. Annoyed, Kirk doesn't tap back. Molly is
          oblivious to this exchange.
          
          3) As Molly walks down a city sidewalk at night, Kirk has
          stopped to tie his shoe. When he trots after her to catch up,
          he is tackled by two cops.
          
                                 COP
                       Nice try pervert!
          
          Molly spins around, horrified.
          
                                 COP (CONT'D)
                       It's okay ma'am. This fat tub of
                       shit was following you but we got
                       him.
          
          Molly angrily grabs Kirk by the arm and frees him from the
          cop's grasp.
          
          4) Kirk, in his TSA uniform, addresses a group of patients at
          the Children's Cancer Center. He demonstrates a metal
          detector wand. Molly sits with the kids who look bored out
          of their minds. Suddenly, the kids light up and Kirk feels
          he's making an impression until he realizes that Talon has
          come up behind him. Talon is dressed in his flight suit and
          carrying an arm-load of toy jets. The kids excitedly jump up
          and gather 'round Talon; some even hug him.
          
          FADE MUSIC
          
          INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
          
          Dressed up and wearing party hats, Kirk, Stainer, Devon, Jack
          and about thirty others stand in a small, classy restaurant.
          
                                                                      76.
          
          
          The place is decorated with balloons and streamers.   A huge
          banner reads, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!"
          
                              STAINER
                    Seriously, what's with the banner?
                    She's blind, right? Seems like
                    they could have saved a few bucks
                    there.
          
          Patty runs in.
          
                              PATTY
                    Here they come! Everybody hide!
          
                              STAINER
                    Is that really necessary?
          
                               KIRK
                    Stainer!   Just hide.
          
          They hide. Molly leads her sister, KATIE, into the
          restaurant. "Surprise!" Molly hugs Katie.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                        (to Stainer)
                    Still think she's Al Qaeda?
          
          Stainer brushes off the comment.   Molly waves Kirk over.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Katie, I'd like you to meet Kirk.
          
                              KATIE
                    It's so nice to meet you, I've
                    heard great things.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, thank you. Molly raves about
                    her big sister non-stop.
          
                                KATIE
                    May I?
          
          Katie reaches out to feel Kirk's face. She's a bit perplexed
          by the result. Two blind teenaged boys approach.
          
                              BLIND TEEN
                    Mrs. McCall?
          
                                KATIE
                    Robert!    Is Jerry with you?
          
                              JERRY
                    Yes, ma'am. Happy Birthday.
          
                                                                    77.
          
          
          
                              KATIE
                    It's so nice you came. (to Molly)
                    These are two of my star pupils,
                    Robert and Jerry. Boys, this is my
                    sister, Molly.
          
                              JERRY
                    It's nice to meet you.
          
          They each feel Molly's face and then start elbowing one
          another like a couple of horny construction workers.
          
          A cake is brought in as everyone sings an unrecognizable but
          uncopyrighted birthday song. Katie blows out her candles.
          
                              MOLLY
                    What's your wish, Katie?
          
                              KATIE
                    I wish Kirk would play the piano
                    for me.
          
          Kirk's face drops. Molly kisses her sister on the forehead
          as she has obviously coached the response. Immediately Patty
          is behind Kirk, pushing him. Kirk tries to politely decline
          but now Katie has him by the hand and is leading him to the
          piano bench. Everyone applauds and cheers for him to play.
          
                               KIRK
                    Really.   I can barely play.
          
                              KATIE
                    Come on, Kirk! For my birthday?
          
          Kirk is sweating. He reaches for the keys but he is now
          white as a ghost. Molly watches in suspense, rethinking
          what she's done. Kirk's hands shake. He moves them around,
          hunting for a place to begin. The party-goers stare and the
          room gets quiet. Kirk puts his hand over his mouth as though
          he might vomit.
          
          Molly presses play on a CD player behind the bar. Suddenly,
          a Cheap Trick song kicks in over the restaurant's sound
          system. Katie jumps up to dance with her friends.
          
          Kirk gets up from the piano and tries to laugh it off.    Talon
          appears behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
          
                              TALON
                    It's okay Kirk. You'll rock us
                    next time right chief?
          
                                                                    78.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, hey Talon. Thanks.
          
                              TALON
                    I'm glad you're here. I feel
                    terrible about our little
                    misunderstanding. I don't know
                    what had me thinking you were a gay
                    fella. Molly tells me you two have
                    been seeing each other.
          
          Patty passes between them and gives Talon a dirty look.
          
                              TALON (CONT'D)
                    She's got every right. I'd hate me
                    too. (THEN) I want to congratulate
                    you, Poncho. You're the better man.
                    Now, I'll step aside and truly wish
                    you the best of luck. I wouldn't
                    wish losing that girl on my worst
                    foe. But, make no mistake, you blow
                    it and I'll be waiting in wings.
                    Love and war, right chief?
          
          Talon gives Kirk a respectful military salute. Kirk holds
          his forced confidence until Talon departs. Once alone,
          Kirk's poise deflates and he plops down into a chair.
          
          The party goes on and Katie opens a small present.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Oh, it's a DVD.
          
                              KATIE
                    Who's this from?
          
          Nobody claims it but Jack and Devon look at Stainer.
          
                               STAINER
                    What?   It's closed captioned.
          
          Patty and Kirk are sitting and talking at a table that is
          away from the group. Across the room, Talon raises a glass
          to them. Patty gives Talon the finger.
          
                              KIRK
                    What did he do?
          
                              PATTY
                    Listen, Molly would kill me if she
                    knew I was telling you this but I'm
                    trying to do you a favor.
          
                                                                     79.
          
          
          
                               KIRK
                    Okay.
          
                              PATTY
                    Molly has this physical...um issue.
                    You know, kind of like a birth
                    defect?
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, my God.
          
                              PATTY
                    It's not a big deal but she's
                    really self-conscious about it.
                    Talon and some other guys she's
                    dated have been weirded out and
                    made her feel like a freak.
          
                              KIRK
                    What is it?
          
                              PATTY
                    It's better if she tells you but if
                    you can't deal with it, just get
                    lost now and don't put her through
                    that heartbreak again.
          
                               KIRK
                    No, no.   I wouldn't do that.
          
                              PATTY
                    Good. 'Cause if you do, it'll be
                    your last conscious act... (she
                    stands) Cake?
          
          Patty heads off to get some cake. Kirk sits, considering
          this information. He looks at Molly. She is wearing a small
          black dress. She looks perfect in every way. Kirk crosses
          the room and walks out to the...
          
          EXT. RESTAURANT FRONT SIDEWALK
          
          He throws his hands up in the air and does a happy dance
          similar to the one he had done after their first kiss.
          
          Stainer, Devon and Jack are around the corner as Stainer and
          Jack are smoking a bowl. Devon hears Kirk's celebration and
          peers around the corner. He waves the others over. The guys
          come around the front to join Kirk.
          
                               STAINER
                    Dude?
          
                                                                    80.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                        (playfully chipper)
                    My friends! Whassup Bitches!
          
                               DEVON
                    What?   What's going on?
          
                              KIRK
                    My troubles are over boys! It's
                    all going to work out! Check it
                    out - Molly has... Wait for it...
          
          Kirk pauses for dramatic effect and then puts his thumbs up.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    ...a birth defect!
          
                                 DEVON
                    Excuse me?
          
                              JACK
                    That's terrible.
          
                               KIRK
                    No.   That's awesome!   Don't you get
                    it?
          
                                 DEVON
                    Ahhhh No.
          
                              STAINER
                    Sure, I get it. She needs a good
                    guy like Kirky 'cause the guys she
                    dates can't handle it, right?
          
                              KIRK
                    It sent Talon packing.
          
          Kirk and Stainer high five.    Jack and Devon look disturbed.
          
                              DEVON
                    Well, what's wrong with her?
          
                              KIRK
                    I don't know yet. Patty just said
                    she had a physical issue.
          
                              DEVON
                    Well that could be anything. Did
                    she say it was a birth defect?
          
                                                                 81.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    She said it was, "something like a
                    birth defect."
          
                              JACK
                    What if it's something really bad?
          
                              KIRK
                    I hope it is. I hope it's
                    something that would make most guys
                    run screaming. It won't matter to
                    me. I love her.
          
                              JACK
                    That's cool that you love her but
                    it's pretty fucked up to be rooting
                    for a harsh deformity.
          
                              DEVON
                    Oh, wow. What if this is Patty's way
                    of telling you that Molly is a man?
          
                              STAINER
                    Hey, if that chick has a dick, I'll
                    suck it!
          
          INT. RESTAURANT - LATER
          
          Kirk and Molly are cleaning up after the party. Kirk is
          relaxed and in a fantastic mood. Patty gets her coat and
          hugs Molly before exiting. Molly sheepishly approaches Kirk.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, I'm so sorry about the piano
                    thing. It was stupid of me.
          
                              KIRK
                    No. I know what you were trying to
                    do. It's okay. I wish I could
                    have played for her but...
          
                              MOLLY
                    Well, anyway, thanks for all your
                    help with Katie's party. I know it
                    meant a lot to her.
          
          Molly kisses Kirk. Now he's calm and kisses her back
          passionately. She smiles a naughty smile at him.
          
                               MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Tonight?
          
                                                                   82.
          
          
          
                               KIRK
                    Tonight.
          
          They start cleaning up as fast as they can.   Kirk is beaming!
          
          INT. MOLLY'S CONDO - NIGHT
          
          MONTAGE OVER LOVE SONG:
          
          Kirk and Molly enter her modern, luxurious condo.   Kirk takes
          her coat. They kiss.
          
          Kirk opens a bottle of wine.   He pours one glass to share.
          
          They sit on the couch talking. Kirk is on!    He is confident
          and silly and Molly is eating it up.
          
          They are making out passionately on the couch.
          
          Molly stands and extends her hand to Kirk. Kirk stands and
          his boner is impossible to miss. This time he looks down at
          it as if to say, "How 'bout them apples!?" Molly laughs and
          leads him into the bedroom.
          
          Kirk sits on the bed and Molly goes into the bathroom. He
          lights a candle. He is now in a normal state of nervousness
          but nothing like he had been before. He pulls out a stick of
          gum. He chews it quickly and spits it out.
          
          Kirk lies down and then sits up and then repeats this.   He
          decides to sit.
          
          Molly opens the door. She is wearing sexy ligerie and
          slippers. She looks perfect. She crosses to the bed and
          sits down next to Kirk. They kiss but Molly stops.
          
          MUSIC REDUCED TO BACKGROUND
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, before we do this, there's
                    something I'm really insecure about
                    and you're going to see it sooner
                    or later so...
          
                              KIRK
                    Hey, take a look at me.
          
          Molly smiles nervously. She stands in front of him, Crying
          Game style. She removes her feet from her slippers and looks
          down at them. Kirk looks down. Even her feet are fantastic.
          
                               KIRK (CONT'D)
                    What?
          
                                                                     83.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    Don't rush me... Okay, look.
          
          She parts her toes.    They are webbed.   Kirk's face drops.
          
                                 KIRK
                    That's it?
          
          Kirk jumps up and paces around.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    That's it? That's the best you can
                    do? This is your big flaw?
          
                              MOLLY
                    If you can't handle it...
          
                              KIRK
                    Jesus Christ! I can't! I thought
                    you were going to show me some kind
                    of hairy growth or a third nipple or
                    something I could work with!
          
                              MOLLY
                    What the hell is wrong with you!?
          
                              KIRK
                    You know what's wrong with me!?
                    I'll tell you! I'm fat! I'm bald!
                    I'm ugly! I'm hairy! I'm
                    uncoordinated! I'm uncreative! I'm
                    not a college graduate! I've never
                    been to Europe! I have a shitty
                    job! I drive a shitty car! You
                    want me to go on!? Because I can!
          
                                 MOLLY
                    No.
          
                              KIRK
                    So, here I think that the perfect
                    Molly McCall is finally going to
                    show me a good reason why she's
                    messing around with the likes of
                    me! And this is all you got!? You
                    can't wear friggin' flip-flops!?
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, I've given you plenty of good
                    reasons.
          
                                                                    84.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, yeah! I'm nice! I'm funny! I
                    ask cute, stupid questions! Right!
                    That doesn't get a three hooked up
                    with a ten! Not in this world!
          
                              MOLLY
                    A three what?   What are you
                    talking about!?
          
                             KIRK
                    Look! What the hell is going on
                    here!? What are you up to!?
          
                              MOLLY
                    What am I up to!?    Good God!
          
                              KIRK
                    Please, tell me you're a terrorist!
                    Tell me you're on a scavenger hunt!
                    Just tell me something that makes
                    sense because all you're doing is
                    driving me nuts!
          
                              MOLLY
                        (hurt and resigned)
                    The only thing I'm going to tell
                    you is that I'd like you to leave.
          
                              KIRK
                    Fine! I'm going! Webbed feet!?
                    Are you fucking kidding me!?
          
          Kirk grabs his coat and heads out the door.    Molly slumps
          onto her bed and cries as the door slams.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
          
          Kirk is at his post looking terribly sad. Stainer is working
          at the same lane and is obviously feeling bad for his friend.
          
          Fuller taps Kirk on the shoulder to alert him that Habib is
          coming through. Habib sees this and takes his bag straight
          to the search table, where he opens it for Kirk. Kirk
          doesn't look inside.
          
                              KIRK
                    Go on, Habib. You're good.
          
                               HABIB
                    Really!?   Great!
          
          Habib steps off to his gate.   Fuller gets in Kirk's face.
          
                                                                 85.
          
          
          
                              FULLER
                    You think you're pretty smart don't
                    you Kettner. Thin ice mister!
          
          Kirk stomps away from the checkpoint.
          
                              FULLER (CONT'D)
                    Good! Don't come back, Kettner!
                    America is safer without you!
          
          Stainer goes after Kirk.
          
          EXT. AIRPORT CURB
          
          Kirk walks out the doors. Stainer catches up to him and they
          walk down the busy curb at a quick, angry pace.
          
                               STAINER
                    Kirky! Hold up, man! What are you
                    doing!? You can't let her screw up
                    your life!
          
                              KIRK
                    Get away from me Stainer!
          
                              STAINER
                    Whoa! Don't take it out on me! We
                    both knew this Molly thing wasn't
                    going to work out! It ain't my
                    fault!
          
                              KIRK
                    You're right. It's not your fault.
                    It's my fault for listening to all
                    your... pernicious advice.
          
                              STAINER
                    What the fuck you talkin' about?
          
                              KIRK
                    All you did was fill my head with
                    all this crap about threes and tens
                    and how I'm not worthy.
          
                              STAINER
                    Are you worthy of a chick like
                    that?
          
                              KIRK
                    Maybe! I don't know. But that's
                    not the point! You're supposed to
                    be my God damned best friend. You
                    know what!?
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                    86.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    I think you were jealous and you
                    set out to sabotage us from the
                    start!
          
                              STAINER
                    That is total bullshit!
          
                              KIRK
                    Then why weren't you there for me?
                    What if she actually liked me!?
                    Maybe with a little help, I could
                    have pulled it off!
          
          Kirk steps onto an...
          
          INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
          
          Willy (the Russian) is behind the wheel and as happy as ever.
          A few others are seated on the bus. Stainer follows Kirk on
          board. They remain standing, holding onto poles.
          
                              WILLY
                    It is Kirk and his crazy friend
                    Stinker and they are most upset!
          
          Willy steps on it and drives like a maniac, knocking Kirk and
          Stainer around as they argue.
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirk, she was going to hurt you.
          
                              KIRK
                    Look at me! I'm hurt now!
          
          Willy occasionally blurts out mindless echoes of their
          argument, which Kirk and Stainer mostly ignore, like...
          
                              WILLY
                    He's hurting now!
          
                              STAINER
                    The longer this went on the worse it
                    would have been. I guarantee it!
          
                              KIRK
                    You don't know what you're talking
                    about.
          
                              WILLY
                    He does not know!
          
                              STAINER
                    Yes, I do, Kirk! I know exactly
                    what I'm talking about.
          
                                                                   87.
          
          
          
                              WILLY
                    Perhaps he does know after all!
          
                              STAINER
                    Remember last year when you hardly
                    saw me for about two months? I met
                    my own perfect ten. Tina Jordan.
                    Smart, cool and hot like you
                    wouldn't believe. Hotter than
                    Molly even.
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah right. So how come I never
                    heard a word about her until now?
          
                              WILLY
                    Yes, how come no word of this Tina!?
          
                              STAINER
                    I didn't tell anyone. I didn't
                    want to jinx it. She was perfect.
                    I was spilling over with...with
                    fucking happy! You know?
          
                              WILLY
                    Fucking happy!
          
                              STAINER
                    Two months into it, she dumps me.
                    And I knew it was coming. A girl
                    like that. Sooner or later she was
                    bound to get a better offer. But
                    it kicked my ass, man. I was
                    depressed for months.
          
                              KIRK
                    That's what that was? You said you
                    had that fatigue syndrome thing.
          
                              STAINER
                    I didn't want everyone knowing what
                    a pussy I was. Dude, it was a hurt
                    I can't even put into words.
          
                              WILLY
                    What a pussy.
          
                              STAINER
                    I couldn't watch you go through
                    that 'cause I love you, man.
                    You're the brother I never had.
          
          Stainer leans over and hugs Kirk.   Kirk doesn't hug back.
          
                                                                    88.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    You have a brother, Stainer.
          
                              STAINER
                    Yeah, but he's a cheese-dick.
          
          Kirk's phone rings.    He answers, forcing Stainer to let go.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Hello?
          
          INT. LAW OFFICE
          
          Maury sits at his desk.
          
                              MAURY
                    Kirk? Geeze, I'm glad I caught
                    you. Listen son, I got something
                    to tell you and don't get mad at me
                    okay? 'Cause this thing ain't my
                    fault. You might want to sit down
                    for this.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SHUTTLE BUS
          
          Kirk slumps into a seat and listens, looking upset and
          shocked. Stainer stares at Kirk, trying to get a sense of
          what Kirk is being told.
          
                                 STAINER
                    What!?
          
          INT. MOLLY'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          Patty sits behind a reception desk in a small but stylish
          lobby. A sign above her desk reads, "McCall Events." Kirk
          walks in. Patty puts down her work and stares back at him.
          
                              KIRK
                    Is Molly in?
          
                              PATTY
                    You got some big red apples showing
                    your face around here again.
          
                              KIRK
                    I know. I'm sorry.     I just...   Is
                    she here?
          
                                 PATTY
                    No.     Get lost.
          
          Stainer bursts in sweating and panting.
          
                                                                      89.
          
          
          
                              PATTY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, for Christ sake! This one
                    too!?
          
          Patty comes out from behind her desk.
          
                              PATTY (CONT'D)
                    I'm warning you both - Molly has
                    been through enough. You go near
                    her and I will fuck you all the way
                    up! Understand!?
          
          Stainer swaggers up into Patty's face.
          
                              STAINER
                    Listen, bitch...
          
          WHACK!!! Patty throws an elbow and Stainer's head jacks
          back. She is instantly on him, grabbing him in a headlock
          and punching him in the face.
          
                               STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Ahhh!!   Jesus Christ!!! Kirk!!
          
                              PATTY
                    Who's your Mommy!?   Come on!   Who's
                    your Mommy!?
          
                               STAINER
                    You are!
          
                              PATTY
                    That's right! Patty is, isn't she!
          
                              KIRK
                    Patty! Cut it out! I just came to
                    tell her that something happened!
                    Something really major happened!
          
          Patty stops punching and looks up curiously.      Stainer remains
          in the headlock - also curious.
          
                              STAINER
                    What happened?
          
          Patty punches him again.
          
                              PATTY
                    You shut your hole! (to Kirk) What
                    happened?
          
                              KIRK
                    First off, I'm sorry.   Okay?
          
                                                                  90.
          
          
          
          Patty rams Stainer's head into the door.
          
                              PATTY
                    Every time you say you're sorry,
                    dumbshit here gets his bell rung.
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay, okay! Sorry!     I just...
          
          Patty slams him again.
          
                               STAINER
                    Dude!   Stop apologizing!
          
                              KIRK
                    Look! I know I was acting like an
                    idiot. She's just so... Well, I
                    was really having a hard time with
                    everyone thinking I was Molly's
                    brother or her co-worker or her gay
                    friend or whatever. I mean, nobody
                    believed that we were together.
          
                              PATTY
                    It's too late for this shit, Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    But I've got it worked out now.
          
          Patty and Stainer wait for it. Kirk decides how to phrase it.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    My Grandmother left me three
                    million dollars.
          
                                 STAINER
                    Seriously?
          
          Patty drops Stainer on the floor.
          
                              PATTY
                    I thought she was a blackjack
                    dealer.
          
                              KIRK
                    It turns out she bought stock in
                    Caesars Palace back in the sixties.
                    Nobody knew she still had it. I
                    don't think she even knew.
          
                              PATTY
                    Wow. So, what does this have to do
                    with Molly?
          
                                                                     91.
          
          
          
                                KIRK
                    See?    Now it makes sense - me with
                    her.    I'm a millionaire now.
          
                              PATTY
                    So, what, now you can afford her!?
          
                              STAINER
                    No! No! I get it! It's not a
                    whore thing! Now it works out in
                    his own mind. Right!? He can
                    relax and stop acting like a freak
                    because now he's bringing something
                    to the table! Right, Kirky!?
          
                              KIRK
                    Right. Well, no. Now that you say
                    it out loud... I don't know.
          
                              PATTY
                    You know what, Kirk - I told Molly
                    you were different but you're just
                    as shallow and full of shit as the
                    rest of them, aren't you?
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, maybe I am.
          
          Kirk walks out.
          
                                                    FADE TO BLACK.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DAY
          
          Stainer is at his post watching the luggage on the x-ray
          monitor. Suddenly, he sees Kirk coming through followed by
          Marnie, Mr. & Mrs. Kettner, Eric and Debbie (still pregnant).
          They are all wearing bright yellow sweatshirts. Stainer runs
          around the machine to hug Kirk, who looks a little numb.
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirky! How you been, brother!?
                    What are you doing here?
          
                              KIRK
                    Me and Marnie and the family are
                    going to Branson. You know.
          
                              STAINER
                    So you're "Branson Bound."
          
          Stainer is referring to Kirk's shirt that reads, "BRANSON
          BOUND" in big letters.
          
                                                                   92.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                        (EMBARRASSED)
                    These were Marnie's idea. To make
                    it easy for us to stick together.
          
          The others come through. Their shirts are decorated likewise.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Come on, Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    I gotta go.
          
          Stainer takes the boarding pass from Kirk's hand.
          
                              STAINER
                    Relax, your flight doesn't leave
                    for another forty five minutes.
          
                              KIRK
                        (to Marnie)
                    I'll meet you guys down at the
                    gate, alright?
          
          Marnie isn't pleased but she's going along with it.   Eric
          calls back as they all head to the gate.
          
                              ERIC
                    Hey Stainer! Long time no see!
                    Take care, bro!
          
                              STAINER
                    Why is he so nice all of a sudden?
          
                              KIRK
                    Probably because I'm getting three
                    million dollars next week.
          
                              STAINER
                    Shit, that's right. (THEN) So
                    you're back with Marnie then, huh?
          
                              KIRK
                    Yeah, I know, but it's for the
                    best. I'm more secure with her.
                    I'm actually happy to be done with
                    all that Molly craziness.
          
          Ron comes through security and over to Kirk.
          
                                                                      93.
          
          
          
                              RON
                    Hey Stainer. Hey Pirate, can you
                    spot me a twenty. I want to get me
                    one of them travel pillows.
          
          Kirk gives Ron a twenty and Ron steps away.    Stainer is
          appalled. He calls after Ron.
          
                              STAINER
                    How come I'm not a pirate!? (then
                    to Kirk) Dude, do not tell me that
                    he's going with you guys.
          
                              KIRK
                    He already bought his ticket and my
                    dad likes him. It's no big deal.
          
                              STAINER
                    Look at me Big Slick.
          
          Kirk doesn't look into his eyes.
          
                              KIRK
                    What?
          
                              STAINER
                    Look at me.
          
          Kirk looks.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    Tell me things are good.
          
                              KIRK
                    Don't be such a drama queen.
                    Things are fine. I gotta go.
          
                               STAINER
                    Alright, man. It was good to see
                    you, Kirk.
          
          They exchange an awkward handshake. Kirk walks away.
          Stainer stands alone, watching him go.
          
          Stainer tightens his jaw and runs his fingers through his
          hair. Finally he kicks his head back and, with great
          determination, he stomps off in the opposite direction.
          
          Follow Stainer past security, dodging passengers and carts.
          He arrives at the...
          
                                                                    94.
          
          
          
          INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT
          
          Stainer marches up to the Orange Julius. A short, doughy,
          plain girl works the counter. (This is the same girl that
          Stainer had claimed to have "boned" earlier.) She's wearing
          an orange visor and rubber gloves. Several customers are
          waiting but Stainer moves to stand in front of her.
          
          She looks up from her smoothie.    She has drink powder on her
          face. She groans to see him.
          
                              TINA
                    Elmer, I've got customers here.
          
                              STAINER
                    Tina, I need to know right now why
                    it didn't work out with us.
          
          She hands a smoothie to a customer.
          
                              TINA
                    That's a large Julius.    Twelve
                    fifty.
          
                              STAINER
                    This is important. I was good to
                    you. I was sensitive, right?
          
                              MALE CUSTOMER
                    Hey, Desperado, you gonna order
                    something or what?
          
          Stainer gets in the customer's face.
          
                              STAINER
                    The fuck you just call me!?
          
                               TINA
                    Oh, for Christ's!     Tammy!   Can you
                    cover me!?
          
          INT. AIRPORT - SOUTHWEST GATE
          
          A large crowd of passengers are waiting to board.   The gate
          agent, makes an announcement.
          
                              GATE AGENT
                    Okay folks, we're going to start by
                    boarding the A group. All A's are
                    now welcome to board.
          
          Marnie butts into the line.
          
                                                                 95.
          
          
          
                              MARNIE
                        (SNOTTY)
                    Look, I've got seven people in my
                    party so we're going to need to
                    board right away.
          
                              GATE AGENT
                    Are you folks in the A group?
          
                              MARNIE
                    What difference does that make!?
          
                              GATE AGENT
                    Well, because you seem like a
                    little bit of a B. May I see your
                    boarding pass?
          
                              MARNIE
                    Fine. We're not in the A group but
                    we're still getting on next.
          
          She hands him the pass - marked "C."
          
                              GATE AGENT
                    Oh, it looks like you're a raging
                    C. So, you're gonna want to take a
                    seat until your group is called.
          
          She stomps away.
          
          INT. AIRPORT FOOD COURT - LATER
          
          Stainer and Tina sit at a table. He sits with his head down
          like a sad little boy. She pities him.
          
                              TINA
                    I really liked you Elmer, but all
                    that stuff about me being a ten and
                    how lucky you were and always
                    checking up to see if I was going
                    to dump you...
          
                              STAINER
                    Well, you did dump me, so...
          
                              TINA
                    What could I do? You were all up
                    in my business all the time. I
                    couldn't breathe.
          
                              STAINER
                    It was my stupid job, wasn't it?
                    You were embarrassed.
          
                                                                  96.
          
          
          
                              TINA
                    I work at Orange Julius, Elmer! If
                    you would have just chilled out and
                    been yourself...
          
                              STAINER
                    Okay, I can do that.
          
          She holds up her finger with an engagement ring on it.
          Stainer drops his head onto the table. Tina rubs his hair
          for a second and then walks away.
          
          INT. AIRPLANE - 737 - EVENING
          
          Kirk is somber as he finds his seat near the middle of the
          plane. From two rows back, Eric reaches over some other
          passengers to tap Kirk on the shoulder.
          
                              ERIC
                    Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro!
          
          Eric hangs up a high five and Kirk leaves it hanging. Kirk
          takes a seat on the aisle next to Marnie. He gives Marnie a
          forced smile. She puts her head on his shoulder. Pan over to
          the window seat where Ron sits watching them, wearing his new
          travel pillow.
          
          Suddenly, there is a commotion at the front of the plane.
          
                              FLIGHT ATTENDANT
                    What!? You don't have authority on
                    board this aircraft!
          
          Stainer barges past the flight attendant, holding up his TSA
          badge.
          
                              STAINER
                    It's okay folks! TSA! This guy's
                    drunk as fuck and he shit himself.
                    We gotta get him off the plane.
          
          Stainer grabs Kirk by the shoulder, pulls him out of his seat
          and about two rows down the aisle before Kirk overpowers him
          and stops.
          
                               KIRK
                    Stainer!   What are you nuts!?
          
                              STAINER
                    You were right! I messed you up.
                    We gotta fix this thing! Let's go.
          
                                                                   97.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    Stainer! No! Believe it or not,
                    this isn't about you! In fact it's
                    none of your business!
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirky! In junior high I peed my
                    pants in class and Eric started
                    calling me Stainer, remember?
          
                              KIRK
                    Okay, yeah?
          
                              STAINER
                    Pretty soon everyone else started
                    calling me Stainer because they
                    knew it would make me cry. Then
                    you told me to own that name, to
                    call myself Stainer so nobody could
                    hurt me with it anymore.
          
                              KIRK
                    What's your point?
          
                              STAINER
                    My point is... um... Oh, shit. I
                    was just in the crapper and I had
                    this thing all worked out. Damn it.
          
          The pilot is now behind Stainer and towering over him.
          
                              PILOT
                    Sir, I'm going to have to ask you
                    to exit the aircraft immediately.
          
          Stainer turns into his face.
          
                              STAINER
                    I'm going to have to ask you to
                    fuck off immediately before I feed
                    you your own fuckin' teeth!
          
          The pilot backs up and goes for help.
          
                              KIRK
                    Jesus Stains! You're going to get
                    arrested! And I won't be here to
                    bail you out this time.
          
                              STAINER
                    Ooohh! That was my point! You
                    saved me! That time and a bunch of
                    other times too.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                   98.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    You gotta let me save you this
                    time. It's my turn! Your grandma
                    didn't leave you three million
                    bucks so you could take these a-
                    holes to Branson.
          
          Eric gets up and steps into Stainer's face. In mid-sentence
          and without pausing Stainer zaps Eric with a stun gun. Eric
          sails back into his seat as Stainer continues.
          
                              STAINER (CONT'D)
                    These people hardly know you.
          
                              KIRK
                    Stainer, I appreciate that you
                    think you're helping me but I'm
                    with Marnie now.
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirk, Marnie's a fuckin' bitch.
                    (to Marnie) All due respect.
          
                              MARNIE
                    Hit him Kirk! Or else I will!
          
          Fuller and two other security people enter the plane.   The
          pilot briefs them on what's happening.
          
                              STAINER
                    Kirk! You said Marnie makes you feel
                    secure but security is bullshit!
                    Look at our jobs! It's all for show!
                    For all we know, there's a bomb on
                    this plane right now!
          
          The other passengers gasp and most of them look at Habib, who
          sits a few seats behind Kirk.
          
                              HABIB
                    What!?
          
          Fuller grabs Stainer by the collar.
          
                               STAINER
                    You want to see what I think of
                    security!?
          
          Stainer turns and punches Fuller in the face, knocking him
          backwards onto the other agents.
          
                              KIRK
                    Oh, Stainer, what did you do?
          
                                                                    99.
          
          
          
                                STAINER
                      Kirk! When I added all this up for
                      you I made one big mistake. You
                      are a ten. YOU'RE A TEN, MAN!
          
          Kirk just stares back. Fuller and the agents grab Stainer
          but he clutches a seat and stays put.
          
                                STAINER (CONT'D)
                      You're not buying any of this
                      bullshit are you?
          
                                 KIRK
                      No.
          
          Stainer loses his grip and the agents drag him off the plane.
          Kirk sits down and Marnie comforts him.
          
          INT. AIRPORT - EVENING
          
          Over a bummed out song we see different areas of the airport.
          People on moving sidewalks. People on escalators. Bags
          moving around on a carousel. People in line. Flight Arrival
          and Departure times. Food trays moving down a buffet. Bags
          moving by on the x-ray monitor. People walking like cattle
          to their gates. Through the crowd, we see a man running
          against the traffic. It's Kirk!
          
          INT. HILTON BALLROOM - NIGHT
          
          Molly,   looking beautiful in a formal gown, moves through a
          sea of   tables. Hundreds of formally dressed people are
          seated   around the tables, eating dinner. Molly greets,
          kisses   and shakes hands with several people as she goes.
          
          INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT
          
          Kirk is huffing and puffing as he rounds the corner and
          arrives at the checkpoint. He looks around frantically.
          
                                 KIRK
                      Randy!   Where's Stainer!?
          
          Randy points to a room marked, "Airport Security - Authorized
          Personnel Only."
          
          INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
          
          Kirk bursts in to find Stainer bent over a metal table.
          Fuller (with two black eyes) and another agent hold him down
          as a homeland security agent stands behind Stainer, giving
          him the full cavity search. Kirk doesn't miss a beat.
          
                                                                  100.
          
          
          
                               KIRK
                     Stainer! I don't have a car here!
                     I need your van!
          
                                 STAINER
                     Right on!    The keys are in my
                     jacket!
          
          A jacket is hanging by the door. Kirk reaches in and grabs
          the keys. He turns fast and exits. Fuller jacks Stainer's
          head onto the table.
          
                               STAINER (CONT'D)
                     Kirky wait!
          
          The door opens more slowly and Kirk regards his friend with
          great reverence. Stainer strains to lift his head against
          Fuller's strength.
          
                               STAINER (CONT'D)
                     Listen, Kirk. (dramatic pause and
                     music) It's three on the tree and
                     the clutch sticks.
          
          SLAM!   Stainer's head is jacked back onto the table.
          
                               KIRK
                     Thanks buddy!
          
          Kirk bolts.
          
          INT. HILTON - SMALL BANQUET ROOM
          
          This room is set up as a staging area for the cancer benefit.
          Patty and several others are buzzing around preparing for the
          next phase of the evening. Molly enters, holding a walkie
          talkie up to her head and speaking into it.
          
                               MOLLY
                     No, I need the staff ready to help
                     with bids when the auction begins.
                     - over.
          
                               VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE
                     I don't think we can spare anyone -
                     over.
          
          Patty grabs the walkie talkie.
          
                               PATTY
                     Leslie! We're not here to feed
                     these people, we're here to cure
                     fucking cancer!
                               (MORE)
          
                                                                 101.
          
                              PATTY (CONT'D)
                    Now I want every one of those
                    motherfuckers back there taking
                    bids in fifteen - out!
          
          Patty tosses the walkie-talkie back and then crosses to help
          a group of young cancer patients, some in wheelchairs, to
          unpack their sculptures and label them for the auction.
          
          A stressed-out woman in a BEEHIVE hairdo picks up a SMALL
          BOY's sculpture. She hails Molly.
          
                              BEEHIVE
                    Ms. McCall, we've got a big problem.
          
                              MOLLY
                    What is it?
          
                              BEEHIVE
                    This young man has made an ashtray.
          
                             MOLLY
                    Okay. Well, what do you want from
                    me? Kids make ashtrays.
          
                              BEEHIVE
                    It's a cancer benefit. Don't you
                    think this sends the wrong message?
          
                              SMALL BOY
                    It's a really nice ashtray.
          
                              MOLLY
                    They're not bidding on the artwork;
                    they're bidding on the kids. It's
                    fine.
          
          Beehive sighs hard and hands the ashtray back to the boy.
          
          Molly turns around and a look of surprise comes over her.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    What are you doing here!?
          
          Reverse to show Talon holding a ridiculously large flower
          arrangement.
          
                              TALON
                    I came to say I'm sorry and to put
                    in a request for a second chance.
          
                              VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE
                    Ms. McCall, the auction is underway
                    - over.
          
                                                                 102.
          
          
          
                              MOLLY
                    I'm sorry. I have to get in there.
                    Can we talk about this afterwards?
          
                              TALON
                    I'm looking forward to it.
          
          INT. HILTON BALLROOM
          
          The emcee is taking bids on a little sculpture of an abstract
          four-legged animal.
          
                              EMCEE
                    Timothy Brigg's sculpture of a...
                    fire truck? Sold to the woman in
                    the green dress for four hundred
                    fifty dollars. Congratulations
                    ma'am and thanks so much.
          
          Molly picks up the small boy's ashtray and joins the emcee on
          stage. She takes a deep breath before facing the crowd.
          
                              EMCEE (CONT'D)
                    Our next item... Well, here she is
                    folks, the woman who donates her
                    time to make this amazing event
                    possible, our own Molly McCall!
          
          Huge applause.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Thank you. Thanks, Bob. I'm so
                    sorry for my tardiness. The next
                    item up for bids is from nine-year-
                    old Walter Benegan. And this is
                    a... little something that you can
                    put your paper clips or do-dads
                    in... Oh, who am I kidding, it's an
                    ashtray. (audience laughs) Let's
                    start the bidding at one hundred
                    dollars.
          
                              MAN
                    One hundred.
          
                              MOLLY
                    One hundred. Thank you sir.
          
                              WOMAN
                    Two hundred.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Two hundred to the...
          
                                                                 103.
          
          
          
                                 MAN 2
                    Two Fifty.
          
                              WOMAN
                    Two seventy five.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Fantastic. Two-seventy-five.     Do I
                    hear three hundred?
          
          No replies. The small boy hangs his head. He was hoping his
          piece would fetch more. His mother pats him on the head.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Two Seventy Five going once.     Going
                    twice.
          
                              KIRK (O.S.)
                    Ten thousand dollars!
          
          The small boy looks up, elated. The spotlight searches the
          room and lands on Kirk near the back. The audience applauds.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk? I hope you don't really
                    think this is going to...
          
                              TALON
                    Eleven thousand!
          
          Talon stands across the room, crossing his arms in defiance.
          
                                 MOLLY
                    What!?
          
          Eric bursts in through a door near Kirk.
          
                              KIRK
                    Fifteen Thousand!
          
                              TALON
                    Fifteen thousand five hundred!
          
                              MOLLY
                    Both of you! This is ridiculous...
          
                              ERIC
                    Go get him Kirk! It's chump change
                    to you now.
          
                              KIRK
                    Twenty Thousand!
          
                                                                 104.
          
          
          
          The crowd applauds.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Is that a serious bid?
          
                              TALON
                    Fifty thousand dollars!
          
          Bigger applause.
          
                               MOLLY
                    Talon!   Please!
          
          Eric makes a fist to indicate that it's time for the killing
          blow. Kirk nods back his agreement.
          
                              KIRK
                    Three million dollars!
          
          Eric's eyes go wide. This is not what he had in mind. The
          crowd erupts into laughter. Talon also laughs off the bid.
          
                              MOLLY
                    Kirk, that's your entire
                    inheritance.
          
          The crowd shifts from laughter into excited chatter.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    Folks, calm down. I don't want to
                    get anyone's hopes up. It's only
                    fair that I clarify something to
                    the bidder. Kirk, please
                    understand that if you commit this
                    money, we will all be eternally
                    grateful and I think your
                    grandmother will be very proud of
                    you... But it doesn't change
                    anything between you and me.
          
          This sets off a volley of whispers among the crowd and puts a
          smile on Talon's face.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    So, again, is this a serious bid?
          
          Kirk looks to Molly, then his brother - who is shaking his
          head NO! He then scans the hopeful expressions on the faces
          of the kids and their parents. Kirk takes a deep breath.
          
                              KIRK
                    Three million dollars.
          
                                                                  105.
          
          
          
                              ERIC
                    You stupid son of a bitch!
          
                              MOLLY
                    Three million going once. Going
                    twice. Sold to the man in the
                    Branson Bound sweatshirt.
          
          The crowd cheers.
          
                              EMCEE
                    Congratulations to little Walter
                    whose ashtray has brought in more
                    than any piece in our history.
          
          The young sculptor beams. The crowd cheers again. Kirk
          gives a smile and a nod of resignation as he leaves the room.
          
          INT. HILTON BAR
          
          Kirk and Eric sit at the bar, each nursing a drink.   Eric is
          fuming.
          
                              ERIC
                    You are such a numbnut. I am
                    telling you - absolute numbnuttery!
          
                                 MALE VOICE (O.S.)
                    Excuse me.     May I use that ashtray?
          
          Kirk turns to find that he is sitting next to BILLY JOEL, who
          is smoking a cigar. Eric passes him the ashtray that Kirk
          just bought.
          
                              ERIC
                    Sure. Careful with it there,
                    Captain Jack. It cost him three
                    million bucks.
          
          Billy Joel, ashes in the ashtray.
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    Yeah, I saw that. Tough break in
                    there, my friend. Still, that was
                    a hell of a good thing you did for
                    those kids.
          
                                 KIRK
                    Thanks.
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    Beautiful women huh? What are you
                    gonna do?
          
                                                                 106.
          
          
          
                              KIRK
                    I guess I'm going to go home.
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    It's none of my business but I do
                    know a thing or two about hooking
                    up with women who are out of your
                    league. Can I tell you a little
                    secret?
          
          Kirk and Eric look at one another in disbelief and then at
          Joel.
          
                               KIRK
                    Sure.
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    Look, it's not about money, fame or
                    power...
          
                              ERIC
                    Whoa! All due respect there, Big
                    Shot. How would you know? You had
                    all that shit when you bagged the
                    big ones.
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    Yeah, but I had all that shit when
                    I lost 'em too. It's not enough.
          
                              ERIC
                    You believe this fuckin' guy?
          
                              KIRK
                    Jesus Christ, Eric! I'm trying to
                    get some advice from Billy Joel.
                    Do you think you could manage to
                    shut the fuck up for two minutes!?
          
                               ERIC
                    Fine.   Geeze. What's up your ass?
          
                              BILLY JOEL
                    Thank you. Look kid, it's not what
                    you can give 'em or even what you
                    can give up. It's what your made
                    of.
          
          Joel places a cocktail in front of Kirk and then clinks his
          own against it.
          
                                                                  107.
          
          
          
          INT. HILTON BALLROOM - LATER
          
                              ANNOUNCER
                    Ladies and gentlemen, please
                    welcome The Piano Man! The
                    Entertainer! And our foundation's
                    greatest champion! Mr. Billy Joel!
          
          The crowd cheers as the curtain rises.   The crowd's
          excitement turns to confusion.
          
          From the back of the room, Molly notices the crowd's
          reaction. She turns to see Kirk seated before the huge white
          grand piano, his hands sweaty and shaking over the keys.
          
          Kirk looks at the crowd.   Hundreds of confused faces stare
          back at him.
          
          Beehive rushes Patty in a panic.
          
                              BEEHIVE
                    Aren't you going to do something
                    about this!?
          
                              PATTY
                    Lady, he just gave three million
                    dollars. He can go up there and
                    try to blow himself for all I care.
          
          Kirk wrings his hands as they shake harder.
          
          Billy Joel stands in the wings and gives Kirk a nod of, "You
          can do it."
          
          Molly turns to walk away but notes ring out from the piano
          and she stops.
          
          Kirk plays and sings "Just the Way You Are" - badly. His
          voice and hands shake but he forges on. The audience is
          confused, cringing and restless.
          
          Someone starts booing.   Kirk can't help but glance up to see
          who it is - it's Eric.
          
          When Kirk reaches the instrumental break, he settles in a bit
          - he can actually play.
          
          As the last note fades, Kirk leaps up, and runs out into
          the...
          
                                                                 108.
          
          
          
          EXT. HILTON BACK ALLEY
          
          Kirk bursts out the door and vomits into a dumpster. He
          falls backwards against the wall and slides down into a
          sitting position.
          
                              MOLLY (O.S.)
                    You realize that there's a good
                    chance this won't work out.
          
          Molly steps out into the alley.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    And you could get hurt.
          
                                KIRK
                    I know.
          
                              MOLLY
                    And you're going to have to be
                    naked in front of me at some point.
          
                              KIRK
                    I can work up to that.
          
          Kirk stands up.
          
                              KIRK (CONT'D)
                    So, you and me are...
          
                              MOLLY
                    Three million dollars for kids with
                    cancer and you sing to me? I'm not
                    made of wood you know.
          
          Molly hugs him. The first intro riff of a piano version of
          "Pressure" kicks in and the crowd inside goes crazy.
          
                              MOLLY (CONT'D)
                    But one condition.
          
                                KIRK
                    Anything.
          
                               MOLLY
                    You have to go brush your teeth
                    right now.
          
          Talon walks out into the alley, still holding the flowers.
          
                              TALON
                    So, Molly... Can we finish our
                    conversation?
          
                                                                   109.
          
          
          
          Kirk takes Molly's hand and leads her past Talon.
          
                              KIRK
                    Sorry Poncho, she's with me.
          
                                                   DISSOLVE TO:
          
          EXT. WEDDING - DAY
          
          Close on a preacher.
          
                              PREACHER
                    The vows you have just heard are a
                    unique expression of the love
                    between two souls.
          
          Close on Kirk - looking dapper but sweaty and nervous.
          
                              PREACHER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                    Two souls who have come together
                    this day in holy matrimony.
          
          Close on Molly - looking more beautiful than ever.
          
                              PREACHER (CONT'D)
                    And by the power vested in me by
                    the great state of Nevada, I now
                    pronounce you husband and wife.
                    You may now...
          
          A wider shot reveals the NASCAR theme wedding of Eric and
          Debbie. Kirk stands among the groomsmen. Each are dressed
          in tuxes that represent the colors, numbers and sponsors of
          certain drivers. Molly stands among the bridesmaids. Each
          dressed in a checkered-flag gown. Ron and Marnie are also in
          the wedding party.
          
          Debbie hands her mulatto baby to the preacher so that she and
          Eric can share a disgusting wide open mouth kiss. Debbie
          grabs Eric's ass while Eric gropes her breasts.
          
          Stainer and Wheel in the Sky kick into "Any Way You Want It"
          from a bandstand nearby. Patty dances in front of Stainer -
          he winks back at her.
          
          Devon cuts up a wedding cake that looks like a full-sized
          racing wheel and tire.
          
          EXT. WEDDING - STREET
          
          The guests throw rice as Eric and Debbie run to a stretch
          Nascar limo.
          
                                                                 110.
          
          
          Eric picks up Debbie and loads her in through the window.   He
          then runs around to the other side and jumps into that
          window. The limo burns rubber as it peels away.
          
          Pan across the guests as they wave goodbye; Devon and his
          squeaky clean family, Jack and a hot date, Mr. & Mrs.
          Kettner, Marnie & Ron. Patty and Stainer - making out. Kirk
          and Molly stand together arm in arm. Kirk holds a ceramic
          urn, painted with the Las Vegas skyline.
          
          Push in on the urn until the skyline becomes real. Push in
          toward the top of The Stratosphere Casino. Continue pushing
          in until we are inside the observation deck. Push through
          the gift shop where the TV is tuned to CNN. As we pass the
          TV we hear.
          
                              CNN ANCHOR
                    In a press conference held earlier
                    today, NASA officials announced
                    that affordable tourist travel to
                    the surface of the moon will be a
                    reality within the next ten to
                    fifteen years.
          
          Push past the TV, out of the gift shop and to the other side
          of the observation deck where we find Kirk and Molly. They
          kiss before they open the urn and pour Grammy's ashes over
          the side.
          
          
                                    THE END