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So I Married An Axe Murderer Movie Script

Writer(s) : Robbie Fox

Genres : Comedy, Romance, Thriller

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                              "SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER"

                                      Screenplay by

                                        Robbie Fox

                                      SHOOTING DRAFT

                

               FADE IN:

               OPEN ON:

               MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK

               Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac's poem, San 
               Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac's 
               poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We 
               come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to "THE 
               CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE" and continue along to the ALLEYWAY 
               where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign 
               depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous "I'm looking into the 
               distance, having a brilliant thought" pose...

               CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel 
               shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front 
               of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the 
               exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a 
               bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the 
               alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into...

               INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE

               We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant 
               Manager, by night he is a poet.

               A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading, 
               Charles Bukowski's, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive 
               Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit.

               Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes 
               writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (sotto)
                         O' SCOTLAND
                         YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME

               CUSTOMER approaches.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Do you have the book On The Road by 
                         Jack Kerouac?

               Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in 
               to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and 
               without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display 
               of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE 
               approach.

                                     TOURIST
                         Do you have a copy of On The Road by 
                         Jack Kerouac?

               Again not looking up, Charlie just points.

                                     TOURIST
                         Thanks.

               EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

               Charlie puts the "CLOSED" sign on the door and proceeds to 
               walk home.

               EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS

               The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the 
               BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become 
               less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own 
               FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even 
               more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts 
               out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace. 
               RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger. 
               Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance. 
               Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto:

               HIS STREET

               He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an 
               apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his 
               window. A CRASHING sound from within.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               HANDS

               taking papers out of a desk drawer.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CHARLIE

               carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing 
               it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand. 
               Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs.

                                                               CUT BACK TO:

               SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME

               with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde.

                                                               CUT BACK TO:

               CHARLIE

               finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of 
               his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               THE HANDS

               clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them 
               into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD's.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CHARLIE

               pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver, 
               then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in 
               the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop 
               making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG's sound. He freezes, 
               terrified.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               THE BEDROOM

               where the HANDS, freeze.

                                                               CUT BACK TO:

               CHARLIE

               Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats... 
               then springs Samurai style into...

               THE BEDROOM

               He freezes.

               REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL

               that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken 
               picture. It's Charlie's girlfriend, SHERRI.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Sherri! What are you doing?

                                     SHERRI
                         I'm leaving you.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh, thank God... I thought you were 
                         robbing our own home, because frankly, 
                         that's insane. I mean, what could 
                         you possibly gain by robbing your 
                         own home? I don't mean to meddle, 
                         but isn't it better to rob other 
                         peoples' homes? Start accumulating 
                         their wealth as opposed to just 
                         reaccumulating your own wealth.

                                     SHERRI
                         That's not funny, Charlie. I'm really 
                         leaving.

               She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What?! Just because we had a fight 
                         last night?

                                     SHERRI
                         We've had a fight every night for 
                         two months. Ever since I brought up 
                         the subject of marriage, you've found 
                         fault with everything I do. Why 
                         couldn't we have gotten married, 
                         Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (beat)
                         I'm too young to get married.
                              (begins putting her 
                              things back)
                         I'm only twenty-nine and a half. We 
                         love living together.

                                     SHERRI
                         It's been two years now. I need 
                         something more.

                                     CHARLIE
                         See, Sherri, this is frustrating for 
                         me, okay. When we first started going 
                         out I thought we agreed that we 
                         weren't the sort of people who got 
                         married.

                                     SHERRI
                         That's like saying we're not the 
                         sort of people who are going to grow 
                         old. We're not going to fall into 
                         that "growing old" trap. Face it, 
                         you've got a problem with commitment, 
                         Charlie. Take a look at your other 
                         girlfriends. Every time you get close 
                         to a commitment there's something 
                         wrong with them.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, I broke up with them for good 
                         reasons.

                                     SHERRI
                         What about Sandy?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Sandy was an alcoholic.

                                     SHERRI
                         No-no-no. You thought she was an 
                         alcoholic. She just drank more than 
                         you drank. What about Jill?

                                     CHARLIE
                         She hated my family.

                                     SHERRI
                         You thought she hated your family. 
                         Nobody hates your family. Everybody 
                         loves your family. What about Julie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         She smelled like soup.

                                     SHERRI
                         What does that mean?

                                     CHARLIE
                         She smelled exactly like Campbell's 
                         Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty, 
                         physically dirty.

                                     SHERRI
                         Well, Charlie, I wonder what you're 
                         gonna say were my problems? Are you 
                         gonna tell your friends that I was a 
                         junkie, that I wasn't supportive 
                         enough or that I smelled like relish? 
                         Charlie, I loved you. It could have 
                         worked out.
                              (she goes to the door)
                         Think about it.

               She leaves.

               ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE

               EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE'S CAR - DUSK

               Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a 
               night on the town.

               Tony is second generation Italian-American with very 
               Mediterranean features. They're listening to Teenage Fan 
               Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they're 
                         Scottish you know?

                                     TONY
                         Oh.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I had that dream again.

                                     TONY
                         Oh, is that the one where you suspect 
                         that a fat man in a diaper, on a 
                         lazy susan has interfered with your 
                         plans for the evening?

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, but I have had that one. No, in 
                         this one I'm in love...

                                     TONY
                         Yeah.

                                     CHARLIE
                         And I say to myself, 'I've finally 
                         found somebody that I'm truly 
                         comfortable with.' You know when 
                         you're so comfortable that you'll 
                         let them put makeup on you to see 
                         what you would look like if you were 
                         a girl. Anyways you know what I do 
                         in the dream next?

                                     TONY
                         You propose?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (after a pause)
                         No. I die.

                                     TONY
                         But Charlie, you're a normal suburban 
                         guy at heart, from a normal suburban 
                         family. Didn't you tell me you always 
                         wanted to get married and have a 
                         family.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes, but, I'm afraid, okay? There 
                         are seven main rites of passage in a 
                         man's life. Birth, first day of 
                         school, last day of school. Marriage. 
                         Kids. Retirement. Death. I'm at 
                         marriage. I'm two rites of passage 
                         away from death.

                                     TONY
                         I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

               Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when 
               suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind 
               them. He slouches down into his seat.

                                     TONY
                         Christ. It's the cops.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tony, you are a cop.

                                     TONY
                         I know. Isn't it awful? I work with 
                         those guys. They're assholes.

               The police car passes.

               INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

               Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club 
               is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted 
               by the club's owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties.

                                     TONY
                         Salve zio mio.

                                     UNCLE
                         Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hi, Uncle Giuseppi.

                                     UNCLE
                         Tony, come' stai bello il tuo pappa 
                         e' in galera per la terza volta.

               Tony's uncle shows them to a table.

                                     UNCLE
                         I'll have the waitress bring you 
                         cappuccino.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What did your uncle say?

                                     TONY
                         He says my Dad's back in jail again.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Ah, I'm sorry, man.

                                     TONY
                         You know, it's funny I don't even 
                         feel related to my parents anymore. 
                         I feel like your mom and dad are 
                         more like my parents. I feel more 
                         Scottish than Italian.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tony Spiletti, I don't think you 
                         could get more Italian than that. 
                         Unless of course your name was Tony 
                         Italian Guy.

               Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm so bummed. Sherri was great, 
                         wasn't she? I'm an asshole, aren't 
                         I?

                                     TONY
                         Yes.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You've got to help me get through 
                         this night.

                                     TONY
                         You've just got to get back on the 
                         horse.

               The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large 
               cups like they have in France.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Waitress, I'm sorry, there seems to 
                         be a mistake. I ordered the large 
                         cappuccino.

               Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange, 
               "This could be promising." looks.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (to the girls)
                         Do you think these cups could be 
                         larger? They're practically bowls.

               The girls laugh again.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I feel like I'm having Campbell's 
                         Cuppuccino.

                                     TONY
                         Join us in a cup of coffee? There's 
                         enough room?

                                     GIRLS
                         Sure!

               The girls come over.

                                     SUSAN
                         My name's Susan and this is June. We 
                         think you're funny.

                                     TONY
                         My name's Tony. This is my friend 
                         Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Look, Tony, I'm going home. See you 
                         later, girls.

               Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.

                                     TONY
                         You really don't understand, do you? 
                         When a girl comes over to your table 
                         and says, 'I think you're funny.' It 
                         means you've pretty much been given 
                         the keys to the city. Charlie, this 
                         is big.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Perhaps you've confused me with 
                         someone who gives a shit. Here's 
                         what's gonna happen, Tony. We'll end 
                         up going out with them tonight, maybe 
                         even home with them. Well go out for 
                         two months. Soon she'll move in, 
                         we'll be happy, She'll want more of 
                         a commitment. I'll be terrified and 
                         I'll do something to ruin it. Just 
                         like I did with Sherri.

               He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls.

                                     JUNE
                         Poor, guy... He seemed so nice.

                                     TONY
                              (talking, choked up)
                         I just broke up with somebody as 
                         well. She left me high and dry.

               The girls try to comfort him.

               INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT

               Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared 
               with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his 
               Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see...

               CHARLIE'S FACE

               He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write.

               ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

                                       I AM LONELY

               CHARLIE'S FACE

               Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to 
               write

               IN THE JOURNAL

                                     IT'S REALLY HARD

               CHARLIE'S FACE

               A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then 
               finishes off the stanza.

               IN THE JOURNAL

                                     THIS POEM SUCKS

               After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He 
               closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out. 
               The show is "What's Cooking! With Burt Wolf."

               EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

               Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for 
               an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front.

               EXT. BUTCHER'S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD

               Adorning the front are a "GRAND OPENING" sign and miniature 
               flags of the world. Charlie goes inside.

               INT. BUTCHER'S SHOP

               It's a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around 
               the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive 
               woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock 
               enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one 
               hand and something bloody in the other.

                                     HARRIET
                              (angry)
                         Goddamn shoplifter.
                              (conscious of Charlie's 
                              presence; holding up 
                              bloody meat)
                         But I got him!
                              (smiles)
                         You're next.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (backing out the door; 
                              terrified)
                         I've come at a bad time.

                                     HARRIET
                         No stay!

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, no, really... Obviously you've 
                         got things you have to do. You've 
                         got to dismember the rest of his 
                         bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow 
                         grave. Cover the body with quick 
                         lime. Really so much to do, so little 
                         time and I'm only in the way here, 
                         I'm just gonna go. Good luck.

                                     HARRIET
                              (referring to meat in 
                              hand)
                         Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he 
                         stole. This isn't a piece of him or 
                         anything. This is Icelandic Shank.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I bet it goes well with a nice 
                         Chianti. Fittfittfitt.

                                     HARRIET
                              (laughs)
                         Can I help you?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes. Do you have haggis?

                                     HARRIET
                         Yes, we do. It's over here in our 
                         Scottish Cuts section. One?

               This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with 
               haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes! I've never been able to find 
                         haggis anywhere, except at my parents' 
                         house. They're Scottish.

               Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind 
               her is the large "PRUSSIAN VENISON" sign.

                                     HARRIET
                              (ringing up his order)
                         That'll be fifteen, seventy-nine. 
                         Will there be anything else?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes. I know it's a long shot, but 
                         you wouldn't by any chance happen to 
                         have any Prussian Venison?

                                     HARRIET
                         Now where in the world would I get 
                         Prussian Venison?

               Charlie's charmed.

               EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

               Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the 
               flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street.

               EXT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

               An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie's 
               car pulls up. We hear "SATURDAY NIGHT" by the Bay City 
               Rollers.

               INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

               Charlie approaches a door.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (calling up)
                         Mom, Dad, I'm here.

                                     STUART (O.S.)
                         We're in here, son.

               The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia, 
               miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed 
               pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart, 
               Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from "Star 
               Trek"), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly.

               CHARLIE'S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM

               We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie's 
               fourteen year old little brother all singing:

                                     ALL
                              (singing)
                         S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y... NIGHT

                                     STUART
                              (noticing Charlie)
                         Come give your old man a kiss or 
                         I'll kick your teeth in.

               The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over 
               and turns off the record.

                                     MAY
                         Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would 
                         ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride.
                              (begins singing; in 
                              thick Scottish accent)
                         HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST 
                         BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD...

                                     STUART
                         May, shut it.

               STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with 
               Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red-
               haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft, 
               but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head 
               and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America.

               Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, William.

                                     WILLIAM
                              (on his stomach on 
                              the floor; watching 
                              TV)
                         Hey, Charlie.

                                     STUART
                         SCORES! MAGIC GOAL!

               On the television, Stuart's team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored.

                                     TONY
                         Aye -- magic.

                                     STUART
                         Let's have a look at the re-play. 
                         William, move your head. Look at the 
                         size of that ooy's heed. I'm not 
                         kidding. It's like an orange on a 
                         tooth pick.

                                     MAY
                         Stuart, you're going to give the boy 
                         a complex.

                                     STUART
                         I'm not kidding. That's a huge 
                         noggin'. It has it's own weather 
                         system. It's a virtual planetoid.
                              (shouting to William)
                         Heed! Move!

               We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May 
               brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes, 
               piled very high.

                                     MAY
                         Is that enough potatoes, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Enough to recreate Devil's Tower in 
                         "Close Encounters".

                                     STUART
                              (sniffs the air)
                         Do I smell haggis?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Aye, you do.

                                     MAY
                              (taking it)
                         I'll put it in the frig.

               Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it's 
               literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Dad, what are you doing to Tony now? 
                         Why do you abuse his mind like this?

                                     STUART
                         That's the latest report from Lyndon 
                         H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen 
                         and the Rothschilds masterminded the 
                         Soviet overthrow, so that they could 
                         reclaim lands they had annexed during 
                         the Holy Roman Empire.

                                     TONY
                              (goading Charlie)
                         You know a lot of this makes sense.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I think you're suffering from the 
                         Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages 
                         start to relate to their captors.

                                     STUART
                         Listen, Sonny Jim, it's a known fact 
                         there's a society of the five 
                         wealthiest people in the world, called 
                         the Pentaverate, who run everything 
                         and meet three times a year at a 
                         secret country mansion in Colorado, 
                         known as "The Meadows."

                                     CHARLIE
                              (sarcastic)
                         And that's obviously why we haven't 
                         heard about it in the newspapers.

                                     STUART
                              (inappropriately angry 
                              & loud)
                         That's right. They fuckin' own the 
                         papers, smartass. And everything 
                         else. Why do you think Scotland's 
                         not been able to get independence? 
                         Because the Queen the Pentavirate 
                         and those English dome heads in West 
                         Minster won't have it.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Who are the other members of this 
                         pentaverate?

                                     STUART
                         The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, 
                         the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders 
                         before he went tits up. Oh, I hated 
                         the Colonel with his wee beady eyes. 
                         And that smug look on his face.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Dad how can you hate "the Colonel?"

                                     STUART
                         Because the Colonel puts an addictive 
                         chemical in it that makes you crave 
                         it fortnightly.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Interesting... coo-coo

                                     MAY
                         Would anyone like a juice? Charlie, 
                         did I tell you, we bought a Juice 
                         Tiger?

                                     CHARLIE
                         A Juice Tiger?

                                     MAY
                         Aye, it's a juicer. It's part of my 
                         National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet. 
                         Would you like potato juice?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Thank you, no.

                                     MAY
                         Sherri's late.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up.

                                     MAY
                         Oh, you didn't. Sherri was the 
                         daughter your father was never able 
                         to give me.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm just not ready for marriage. I'm 
                         twenty-nine and my poems haven't 
                         even been published yet.

                                     STUART
                         But it's not just the poetry is it 
                         son? You're afraid if you get married 
                         you'll lose your muse. Look at me, I 
                         was a strapping young butcher, at 
                         the height of my creative powers. 
                         When it came to de-boning a side of 
                         beef, there was nobody that could 
                         touch me. Then I married your mother. 
                         And people would still stand in awe 
                         as I filleted a shoulder of lamb.

                                     MAY
                         Maybe it's just as well not to get 
                         married, look at the news. Where did 
                         I put it?

                                     STUART
                         Heed. Move that melon of yours into 
                         the bathroom and get the paper for 
                         your mother.

               William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back.

                                     CHARLIE
                         That's not news, Dad. That's bullshit. 
                         I wouldn't wipe my ass with that 
                         paper.

                                     STUART
                         What are you talking about? It's the 
                         fifth highest circulating paper in 
                         the United States, I'll have you 
                         know.

                                     MAY
                         Oh, here it is. Mrs. X. The Honeymoon 
                         Murderer. She marries men under fake 
                         identities, and then murders them. 
                         She killed some German martial arts 
                         expert, and some plumber named Ralph 
                         Elliot. Her whereabouts are unknown.

               There's another goal on the TV set.

                                     STUART
                         Scores! Two nil. Magic!

                                     TONY
                         Ah, beautiful goal. We HOLD on the 
                         TV set.

               Time passes. The TV set

                                                               CROSS FADES:

               TO THE END OF THE GAME

               The two teams are shaking hands. And the final scores chyron 
               shows Celtic beating Rangers three nothing. We see Charlie 
               and Tony are leaving. Stuart is blind drunk.

                                     STUART
                              (singing Rod Stewart's 
                              song)
                         YOU'RE IN MY EYES, YOU'RE IN MY 
                         DREAMS...
                         YOU'RE CELTIC, UNITED 
                         AND BABY I'VE DECIDED...

                                     MAY
                         Ah, you're steaming.

               She meets Charlie and Tony at the door and kisses him good-
               bye. She turns to kiss Tony, and holds on the kiss far too 
               long.

                                     TONY
                              (pulling away)
                         See you later, Mrs. MacKenzie.

                                     MAY
                         Oh, you've turned into a sexy Italian 
                         bastard.

                                     CHARLIE
                         See you later, mom.
                              (calling out)
                         See you later, Dad.

                                     STUART
                         Fine. Go! You've stayed your hour.

               Charlie and Tony leave and enter...

               THE HALLWAY

               where they find William sitting on the stairs waiting for 
               them.

                                     WILLIAM
                         Take me with you.

               EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD - LATE AFTERNOON

               Charlie's drives by and notices Harriet, who's unwinding the 
               store awning in Dutch national costume. The banner announces 
               "DUTCH WEEK." "MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES DUTCH MEAT."

               Charlie slows down to look at her. She looks great in her 
               little Dutch costume.

               INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

               Charlie is again writing at the counter. Another PERSON 
               enters.

                                     MAN
                         Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to 
                         have...

               Charlie again points to the Kerouac section without looking 
               up.

                                     MAN
                         Thanks.

               ON THE PAD

               Charlie writes...

               OH MEAT MAID, 
               IF THE CATTLE HAD HAD A CHOICE, THEY WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED 
               THEMSELVES 
               WILLINGLY 
               FOR A CHANCE 
               TO BE TOUCHED 
               BY YOUR FINGERS

                                                                    CUT TO:

               CHARLIE'S FACE

               She's on his mind.

               EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

               Charlie's car pulls up. The sign reads, "WELSH WEEK" "MEATS 
               OF THE WORLD SALUTES WELSH MEATS"

               INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

               The store is very busy. There is a line at the meat counter 
               seven people deep. Charlie takes his place at the end of the 
               line.

               We see a montage of a persons hands chopping a rack of lamb 
               into lamb chops, and carving meat with surgical efficiency.

                                     HARRIET
                              (spotting Charlie in 
                              the crowd)
                         Oh, hi haggis, right?

                                     CHARLIE
                         It was a big hit.

                                     HARRIET
                              (finishing up with a 
                              customer)
                         I remember you told me you were 
                         Scottish, but do you really like 
                         haggis.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No. I think it's repellent in every 
                         way. In fact, I think most Scottish 
                         cuisine is based on a dare.

               Harriet laughs.

                                     HARRIET
                              (to the next customer)
                         Can I help you?
                              (to Charlie)
                         Sorry, I'm really busy.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Look, um, my dad's a butcher, do you 
                         need a hand?

                                     HARRIET
                         Well, actually, Yes.

               Charlie puts on a very stylish butcher smock and crosses 
               behind the counter.

                                     HARRIET
                         Can you get me four Belgian 
                         porterhouses? Do you know what a 
                         porterhouse looks like?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm meat literate.

               Time passes we see a montage of Harriet and Charlie serving 
               customers. Ending on a customer's POV of Charlie.

                                     CUSTOMER (O.S.)
                         Yes, do you have any fresh blubber?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'll check.
                              (pause)
                         You want blubber, right?

                                     CUSTOMER
                         Yeah.

               We see Charlie's POV of an Eskimo with a "lower forty-eighth" 
               accent.

                                     CUSTOMER
                         My parents are coming to town. You 
                         know how parents are. They'll drive 
                         you nuts.

               The Eskimo exits, there are no customers left.

                                     HARRIET
                         Look, I'm really grateful. Can I 
                         offer you some meat as payment? 
                         Please, help yourself to some meat.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm trying to be a vegetarian.

                                     HARRIET
                         Trying to be a vegetarian?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yeah, the problem is I really love 
                         hot-dogs.

                                     HARRIET
                         I think the meat industry invented 
                         hot-dogs to stop people from becoming 
                         vegetarians. There's got to be 
                         something I can do to repay you.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You could take me to a nice romantic 
                         dinner.

               EXT. PIER - NIGHT

               Charlie and Harriet are eating hot-dogs. As Charlie puts the 
               relish on, he smells the relish.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (sniffing the relish)
                         This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

                                     HARRIET
                         I hate talking about old 
                         relationships.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Then let's not and say we did.

                                     HARRIET
                              (she laughs)
                         That was easy -- What a nice guy. 
                         You've probably never done a mean 
                         thing in your life.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You'd be surprised.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'd like to hear.
                              (to his confused look)
                         Name me something bad you've done in 
                         your life.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Are you kidding me?

                                     HARRIET
                         No. Did you ever steal anything? You 
                         ever hit someone?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, I've been in fights. Let me 
                         think.

                                     HARRIET
                              (as Charlie thinks)
                         Not one bad thing, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tell me something bad you've done. 
                         And it better be bad. I mean, evil.

                                     HARRIET
                         How evil?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Really evil.
                              (thinks)
                         Like how many people have you brutally 
                         murdered?

                                     HARRIET
                         "Brutal" is such a subjective word. 
                         I mean, what's brutal to one person 
                         might be totally reasonable to 
                         another.

               Next to them is a German couple, speaking German, looking 
               through a coin-operated binocular. He says something which 
               causes her to cry.

                                     CHARLIE
                         This just reminded her of that scene 
                         in "Brian's Song".

                                     HARRIET
                         Actually, he just proposed to her. 
                         Those are tears of joy.

               She lifts her soda to toast them.

                                     HARRIET
                         Prost.

               The man and woman smile and nod.

                                     MAN
                         Danke, Fraulein.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You're very smart. It's a shame I'm 
                         going to have to destroy you.

                                     HARRIET
                         Do bright women intimidate you?

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, not at all.

                                     HARRIET
                         Really, what do you look for in women 
                         you date?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (thinks)
                         Well, I know everyone always say 
                         "sense of humor", but I'd have to go 
                         with breast size.
                              (she laughs)
                         How about you? In a guy.

                                     HARRIET
                         Income of course, and then...
                              (thinks)
                         ...savings.

               He smiles at her.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Me likey how you thinkey.

               INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               The lights turn on, and then they enter a very bohemian 
               apartment. There is artists paraphernalia strewn around. A 
               small bar separates the living area from the kitchen. She 
               smiles and walks off into the kitchen.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'll make us some tea.

               He checks out her apartment. On the wall there is a huge 
               poster of the BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, you know what this apartment 
                         needs? A really large oversized poster 
                         of Atlantic City.

                                     HARRIET
                         I used to live there. That's where I 
                         had my first supermarket job.

               On his way out, he peeks into the bedroom, where he finds a 
               bed that is facing neither parallel nor perpendicular with 
               the wall. It is just kind of "there".

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                              (coming into room)
                         I only have chamomile. I hope that's 
                         all right.

               He looks at her and then at the "Oddly-placed" bed.

                                     HARRIET
                         It's North-South.
                              (to his confused look)
                         For health reasons. See... I had 
                         this friend, he was a martial arts 
                         expert. Anyways, he used to sleep 
                         North-South. I don't know... It's a 
                         martial arts thing and it just sort 
                         of became a habit with me.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (walking into living 
                              room)
                         You know Scotland has it's own martial 
                         arts. It's called FUCKU. It's mostly 
                         head butting and kicking people when 
                         they're on the ground.

               Harriet starts laughing. Then so does Charlie. They lean 
               into each other. Pretty close. Too close even, and when it 
               seems like they're going to kiss, Charlie suddenly gets 
               uncomfortable and looks at his watch.

                                     HARRIET
                         Late?

                                     CHARLIE
                         No. No. Not for me.

                                     HARRIET
                         Who for then?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Who for then what?

                                     HARRIET
                         Well, you looked at your watch and 
                         said it wasn't late for you... I 
                         wondered who it was late for.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Not me. No, Sir. Not here.
                              (after a pause; 
                              checking watch)
                         Maybe it is late.

               She gets him his coat. He starts to leave.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Look, the truth is, yes, I had a 
                         great time, and I'd like to kiss 
                         you, but if we do kiss, then we'll 
                         kiss on the couch and if we kiss on 
                         the couch, then we'll kiss in the 
                         bedroom, and once you're in the 
                         bedroom -- Well, the thing is, I 
                         always rush it. And this time I feel 
                         like maybe I should wait. Maybe we 
                         should let it build naturally and 
                         grow, instead of just immediately 
                         spending the night together.

                                     HARRIET
                         I want to spend the night together.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (sold)
                         I have no problem with that.

               THE BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

               They are both fast asleep. She is curled up in his arms. 
               Suddenly, she begins to speak.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yes! Yes!

               Charlie's eyes open. He smiles.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yes Ralph. I will. Ralph.

               Charlie's smile fades. He sits up and looks at her. She is 
               lying completely still on the bed, her eyes closed, and still 
               sleep-talking.

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                         Now now Ralph!

                                     CHARLIE
                              (waking her)
                         Harriet...? Harriet...?
                              (as her eyes open)
                         You were having a dream, or...? You 
                         kept saying the name Ralph.

                                     HARRIET
                         Ralph?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Ralph. I heard you say it.

                                     HARRIET
                              (sleepily)
                         That's odd. Just today I was thinking 
                         about, her. She's a friend.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (starting to leave)
                         Is she nice --? Ralph...

                                     HARRIET
                         Yeah. She's great.

                                                             DISSOLVE INTO:

               INT. HARRIET'S BEDROOM - MORNING

               Charlie is sleeping alone in the bed, and the sound of RUNNING 
               WATER is heard off in the distance. His eyes slowly open, he 
               looks around, remembers where he is. He puts on his shorts 
               and walks towards the bathroom.

               INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

               Through the steam we can just make out Harriet in the shower 
               washing her hair. Charlie walks over.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You know... with this drought in 
                         California total strangers are urged 
                         to shower together.

               He opens the curtain. It's not Harriet. The woman, ROSE, 
               calmly looks at him and closes the curtain.

                                     ROSE
                         Go away.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh God. I'm sorry. Jesus. Excuse me.

               He backs out of the room.

               INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT

               The door opens and a hurriedly dressed Charlie emerges. Before 
               he gets to the door he once again encounters Rose. She's 
               completely dressed. Even her hair is dry.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hi. I'm really sorry. I must have 
                         scared the... I'm Harriet's friend, 
                         Charlie, and you must be...
                              (hopefully)
                         Ralph?

                                     ROSE
                         I'm Harriet's sister, Rose. And this 
                         is Harriet's note.

               He reaches for it, but she reads it aloud to him.

                                     ROSE
                              (reading)
                         'Dear Charlie, I didn't want to wake 
                         you, make yourself at home, thanks 
                         for making me smile.' Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         That's a very nice note.

                                     ROSE
                         I'll make you some breakfast.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Gee, I'd love to but I'm running 
                         late.

                                     ROSE
                         What would you say to blueberry 
                         pancakes, bacon, fresh squeezed grape 
                         juice and Kona coffee?

               INT. KITCHEN - LATER

               Charlie and Rose sit at the table each eating a bowl of dry 
               cereal.

                                     ROSE
                         I'm sorry I didn't have any of those 
                         other things.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, that stuff'll kill you while 
                         Fruit Loops are light and probably 
                         reasonably high in Fiber. I like 
                         Apple Jacks too.

                                     ROSE
                         Got 'em.

                                     CHARLIE
                         So this is your apartment?

               Rose starts sketching Charlie.

                                     ROSE
                         Yes. She's been here the past three 
                         months... ever since she came back 
                         from Miami. I used to visit her 
                         occasionally. She didn't speak of 
                         me?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (shakes his head, no)
                         She told me about a martial arts guy 
                         and there was some discussion about 
                         Ralph...

                                     ROSE
                         She spoke of them...?

                                     CHARLIE
                         She spoke of the martial arts guy 
                         and screamed about Ralph...

                                     ROSE
                              (affectionately)
                         Well, you know Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Actually, I really don't.

                                     ROSE
                              (puzzled)
                         But you did have sex with her?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (taken aback)
                         Hello.

                                     ROSE
                         Yet you still don't know her.
                              (contemplates this)
                         See, that's the problem with sex. 
                         It's not very revealing.

                                     CHARLIE
                         My, look at the time.

               He stands up.

                                     ROSE
                              (after a pause)
                         You should be careful, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I am... usually. I just... You should 
                         know, this is very unusual that I 
                         would do this so soon, in this day 
                         and age particularly, but... We just 
                         really hit it off. We did. And...

                                     ROSE
                         I'm gonna go now. I won't tell Harriet 
                         that anything happened.

                                     CHARLIE
                         But... nothing did happen.

                                     ROSE
                         Exactly. Or she would be jealous. 
                         And when she gets jealous, we both 
                         know what she's capable of.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, we don't. You do, like I said, I 
                         just met her.

                                     ROSE
                         You'll be okay, Charlie. Just be 
                         careful.

               She leaves. Charlie is baffled.

               INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

               As Charlie walks by, FRED, a lanky customer in his late teens 
               is buying a book.

                                     FRED
                         Hey, Charlie. How you doin'?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Good. Good. Look, Fred...
                              (leaning in)
                         You got a lot of girlfriends, right? 
                         You know any girls named Ralph?

                                     FRED
                         Ralph? Gee, Charlie. Isn't that a 
                         guy's name?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, not necessarily, but... Never 
                         mind. Thanks, Fred.

               Charlie catches the store manager, PENNY, on her way into 
               her office.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey Penny, I wanted to ask you -- 
                         you know some girls named Ralph, 
                         right? I mean, that's a girl's name 
                         also, isn't it?

                                     PENNY
                              (confused)
                         I don't think so, Charlie... Uh...

                                     CHARLIE
                              (walking away)
                         Forget it. Thanks.

               She walks into her office totally confused.

               EXT. DOCKSIDE - ALCATRAZ TOUR KIOSK - MAINLAND - DAY

               Tony and Charlie are waiting in line.

               AERIAL VIEW OF BOAT

               as they travel to the island.

                                     TONY (V.O.)
                         You know I've lived in this city all 
                         my life and I've never been to 
                         Alcatraz.

               ALCATRAZ

               We open on the LOUD BANGING of a CELL DOOR. We find our tour 
               group in the holding area. The PARK RANGER is a beefy man in 
               his late fifties and talks with emotionless, military 
               precision.

                                     PARK RANGER
                         Hello, everyone I'm a park ranger 
                         and I will be leading you on the 
                         tour. All the park rangers here at 
                         Alcatraz were at one time guards, 
                         myself included. My name is John 
                         Johnson, but everyone here calls me 
                         Vicki. Will you please follow me?

               They are led out. We see that Alcatraz is a sinister place. 
               Cold and unforgiving. The Park Ranger leads them to the center 
               of a cell block.

                                     TONY
                         You're glowing, Charlie. The man's 
                         in love.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Sssh... Stop it. I'm trying to listen.

                                     PARK RANGER
                         This is the main cell block area. 
                         Home to such famous criminals as Al 
                         Capone, Micky Cohen, Joseph "Dutch" 
                         Critzer, and Robert Stroud, the famous 
                         Bird Man of Alcatraz. Follow me, 
                         please.

               The Park Ranger leads them past the famous visiting rooms, 
               the mess hall, all the way to the solitary confinement area.

               A CELL

                                     PARK RANGER
                         This is the cell for solitary 
                         confinement, that over the years has 
                         come to be known as Times Square.

               Tony and Charlie are at the back of the tour group.

                                     TONY
                         So did you and Harriet?... you know...

                                     CHARLIE
                              (grinning)
                         Sssh I don't want to talk about it.

                                     TONY
                         With that look, you don't have to 
                         talk about it. The grin alone could 
                         get you five to seven years.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tony, get your mind out of the gutter. 
                         All you need to know is that she's a 
                         sweet, kind and loving person.

                                     PARK RANGER
                         Now this is something none of the 
                         other tour guides will tell you. In 
                         this particular cell block Machine 
                         Gunn Kelly had, what we call in the 
                         prison system, a "bitch." And one 
                         day, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a 
                         makeshift knife, or "shiv," and cut 
                         out his "bitch's" eyes.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Look, what can I tell you. I'm 
                         smitten. I'm in deep smit. I dunno. 
                         I just don't wanna talk about it, 
                         because then I start analyzing and 
                         that's not good for me.

                                     TONY
                         Good. I think that's good. Just let 
                         it happen.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Exactly. That's what's gonna be 
                         different this time. Something strange 
                         happens, let it go. It's not my 
                         business... Like Ralph. She says 
                         Ralph in her sleep.

                                     TONY
                         Who's Ralph?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I don't know who Ralph is. Moreover, 
                         I don't want to know.

                                     TONY
                         Good.

                                     PARK RANGER
                         And as if blinding his "bitch" wasn't 
                         enough retribution for Kelly, the 
                         next day he and four other inmates 
                         took turns pissing into the "bitch's" 
                         ocular cavity.

               Tony and Charlie look at each other. They're a little queasy.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Exactly.
                              (beat)
                         Tony, I'm happy. Don't let me screw 
                         this one up.

               INT. EL TORO - IN THE MISSION - DAY

               They are eating Bay burrites.

                                     ROSE
                         Did you have a nice date last night?

                                     HARRIET
                         Rose, I don't really --

                                     ROSE
                         He disturbed me while I was naked in 
                         the shower this morning.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yeah, he stayed over?

                                     ROSE
                         I didn't mind. Charlie and I laughed 
                         about it over breakfast.

                                     HARRIET
                         That's good.

                                     ROSE
                         He said you had great sex last night.

                                     HARRIET
                         He did?
                              (a beat)
                         Yeah.

                                     ROSE
                         He seems really stuck on you. I hope 
                         for you that it lasts.

                                     HARRIET
                         Rose he's a sweet, kind and loving 
                         person. We like each other, but I 
                         don't want to think any further. 
                         It's taken me a long time to get 
                         back to dating, and I want to take 
                         things real steady this time.

                                     ROSE
                         Well, you can trust me not to tell 
                         him anything.

                                     HARRIET
                         He was quite happy not to talk about 
                         the past.

                                     ROSE
                         I did a sketch of him.

               Rose shows the sketch to Harriet.

                                     HARRIET
                              (looking at the picture)
                         That's good.

                                     ROSE
                         Think I've caught him?

                                     HARRIET
                         The eyes are good.

                                     ROSE
                         Charlie really liked it.

                                     HARRIET
                         It's a good likeness.

                                     ROSE
                         Boy, I really hope it works out.

                                     HARRIET
                         Rose, I don't wanna screw this one 
                         up.

               EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

               Charlie enters the building, holding a handful of poetry 
               books. He passes a UNIFORMED DELIVERY GUY coming out. The 
               guy nods and Charlie nods back.

               INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

               Charlie gets three feet down the hallway. Stops in his tracks 
               and heads back to the front door. He opens it and yells to 
               the delivery guy:

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, uh... Ralph...?

                                     DELIVERY GUY
                              (turning around)
                         I'm Gilbert.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Shit.

               HARRIET'S DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

               She opens the door enough to see that she is wearing only a 
               blouse that goes below her hips. She looks fantastic. He 
               hands her the poetry books.

                                     HARRIET
                              (teasing him)
                         Charlie, they're beautiful. I'll put 
                         them right in water.

               He follows her inside and puts the books on the bureau. He 
               goes over and kisses her.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You look great.

                                     HARRIET
                         I was just getting dressed.
                              (picking up skirt off 
                              couch)
                         What do you think of this skirt?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Honestly?
                              (pulls her close)
                         I'd leave it off.

                                     HARRIET
                         So then you think I could go to a 
                         poetry concert like this?

               She drops the skirt and stands there. She's fantastic.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Let's forget the poetry concert. 
                         It's already been nine hours since I 
                         last made love to you.

                                     HARRIET
                              (smiling; walking 
                              away)
                         Come on we're meeting your best 
                         friend. I wanna look good. The second 
                         I go to the ladies room he's gonna 
                         tell you what he really thinks of 
                         me.

               He follows her to the bedroom door, constantly trying to 
               kiss her.

                                     HARRIET
                         Come on, Charlie. We have to be there 
                         in fifteen minutes.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (following her into 
                              bedroom)
                         Fifteen minutes. Perfect.

               She closes the door on his face.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (through door)
                         Maybe later.

                                     ROSE (O.S.)
                         I thought of calling you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (startled)
                         Aaaahhh!

               Charlie turns on his heel. Rose has appeared out of nowhere.

                                     ROSE
                              (after a pause)
                         To warn you, Charlie.
                              (after a pause)
                         There are just some things you should 
                         know, about Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         About Harriet?

                                     ROSE
                         About her past.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I don't wanna know. I mean, look 
                         everyone has some skeletons in their 
                         past. I only care about the future. 
                         Not the past.

                                     ROSE
                         Here's the thing. I may have to tell 
                         Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tell her what?

                                     ROSE
                         That we're lovers.

                                     CHARLIE
                         We're not lovers.

                                     ROSE
                         I know, and it's a damn shame.

               Harriet walks in the room, fully dressed, and fully dazzling.

                                     HARRIET
                         I hope I'm not interrupting.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (feeling weird)
                         No, not at all. We were just talking 
                         about... Rose and I met yesterday, 
                         so...

                                     HARRIET
                         So I heard.

               Harriet hugs Rose and then stands right next to her.

                                     HARRIET
                         So, don't you think we look alike?

                                     ROSE
                         Oh, we do not. Harriet was always 
                         prettier than me. And a heck of a 
                         lot more popular. She always had 
                         boyfriends. The only thing I ever 
                         got was good grades.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (slightly uncomfortable)
                         Good grades are good.

                                     HARRIET
                         She's just being kind. Show Charlie 
                         one of your photographs, Rose. Rose 
                         is a great artist.

                                     ROSE
                         No, Harriet. I don't want to. They're 
                         not good.

                                     HARRIET
                         You're so modest. If I weren't here 
                         to brag for you, I just don't know...
                              (taking out a 
                              posterboard from 
                              cabinet)
                         Show it to him, Rose. Do it.

               He turns it over and there is a picture there. A collage of 
               unrelated images put together. And it is beautiful.

               But it's very abstract. Violent perhaps. Confused definitely. 
               He likes it.

                                     CHARLIE
                         It's beautiful...

                                     ROSE
                         Thanks.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What is it?

                                     ROSE
                         I dunno.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What do you call it?

                                     ROSE
                         I dunno.

                                     CHARLIE
                         A lot artists don't like to title 
                         their work. They feel it biases the 
                         viewer.

                                     ROSE
                         It is titled. It's called "I dunno".

               Charlie looks at it again, then at Rose, then at Harriet. 
               It's all a little bizarre, but in a funny way he feels for 
               Rose. A hidden talented overshadowed by her sister's beauty.

                                     HARRIET
                         We should get going, Charlie. Thanks, 
                         Rose... See you later.

                                     ROSE
                         Bye, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Rose, great to see you. We should 
                         all go out together some time. The 
                         three of us. That would be great. 
                         That would be... interesting.

               Charlie and Harriet walk out.

               EXT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

               Charlie and Harriet wait in line with bohemian types and 
               poetry lovers from the suburbs, and all walks of life. 
               Directly behind them are TWO OLD LADIES. The marquee reads: 
               "POETRY FESTIVAL - TONIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG."

                                     CHARLIE
                         I think you're going to love Alan 
                         Ginsberg. He's great.

                                     HARRIET
                         Oh, I know all about him.

                                     TONY (O.S.)
                         Hey Charlie!

               Tony is getting out of a cab accompanied by Susan, the girl 
               from Spiletti's Coffee House. He approaches Charlie.

                                     TONY
                         Sorry we're late.

               Tony throws his arms wide open and hugs one of the Little 
               Old Ladies on the other side of Charlie.

                                     TONY
                         You must be Harriet. I've heard a 
                         lot about you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (to Tony; re: Harriet)
                         This is Harriet.

                                     TONY
                         Oh. Sorry. Of course.
                              (whispering to Harriet)
                         I apologize. Charlie described you 
                         as much older. And heavier.

                                     HARRIET
                              (smiling)
                         Oh, he did...?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Thank you, Tony. This is my best 
                         friend.

                                     TONY
                         And this is Susan. Charlie, you 
                         remember her from Uncle Giuseppi's.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes, I do.

                                     SUSAN
                         You're funny...

               Then she GIGGLES. The girls start inside, Tony lags back 
               with Charlie.

                                     TONY
                              (whispers to Charlie)
                         I give Susan one night.

               INT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

               ALLEN GINSBERG is on stage. He is brilliant. Tony, Charlie, 
               and Harriet are all amused. Susan is bored stiff. Charlie is 
               looking at Tony. Tony glances over at Susan and gives Charlie 
               an "Oh, well." look. Then he looks at Harriet and nods in 
               approval of her.

               EXT. FISHERMAN'S WHARF - NIGHT

               The four of them walk along the wharf. Charlie is at one of 
               those arcade games where you throw bean bags at the puppets 
               and try and knock them down. Charlie knocks two down.

                                     ARCADE MAN
                         One more and you get your pick.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (to Harriet)
                         You do it.

                                     HARRIET
                         No, Charlie. I'm the worst.

                                     TONY
                         Come on, you'll be great...

               The arcade man turns around to watch. Harriet winds up and 
               throws the bean bag directly into his neck.

                                     ARCADE MAN
                         Hey!

                                     HARRIET
                         Sorry... I told you Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, no, you're okay, you're just 
                         having control problems.

               They both start laughing. He puts his arm around her. In the 
               b.g. the wounded arcade man is being led away by a co-worker.

               They continued down the boardwalk stand in front of a House 
               of Horrors.

               It looks somewhat run down and Harriet looks questioningly 
               at Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I know this is really, really cheesy, 
                         but in a way this is one of the places 
                         in San Francisco I'm most proud of.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yeah, let's go in.

               Tony nods agreement. Susan looks bored. They go inside the

               HOUSE OF HORRORS

               it's as low rent as Charlie described. The "KEEPER OF THE 
               THRESHOLD" so described in a poorly written sign, is an 
               overweight man in his late twenties, wearing jeans and a 
               denim jacket and a little bit of scary makeup. He looks like 
               a roadie for the band, KISS. He stands at a podium, smoking 
               and reading a paper. As Charlie, Tony, Harriet and Susan 
               pass the Threshold Keeper, he takes a casual drag of his 
               cigarette, lets out a little smoke and with zero commitment 
               utters:

                                     THRESHOLD KEEPER
                         Boo.

               INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY

               Harriet and Charlie enter Bill's Wax Museum. The OWNER of 
               the wax museum greets them.

                                     OWNER
                         Hi. I'm Bill, welcome to my wax 
                         museum.

               They walk over to the exhibits. There are exhibits of Abraham 
               Lincoln, Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton. As they look more 
               closely they notice that the faces are exactly the same as 
               Bill's. They laugh.

               EXT. STREET - NIGHT

               Pouring rain. THUNDER. Charlie and Harriet, wrapped in each 
               others arms, walking through the rain.

                                     HARRIET
                         I feel so safe with you right now. 
                         You're never going to leave me, are 
                         you? I feel like I could be here 
                         forever.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               TIGHT SHOT OF RAIN HITTING CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

                                                         MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

               THE REFLECTION OF RAIN ON CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

               PULL BACK to see Charlie in bed. He lies awake on his side, 
               his back up to Harriet's. She is sound asleep. Suddenly:

                                     HARRIET
                              (sleeptalking)
                         Ralph! No, Ralph!

               Charlie sighs, then just shrugs and tries to fall asleep. 
               What can he do.

               FADE IN:

               INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

               Charlie and Harriet wait outside his parents' door.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, this is it.

                                     HARRIET
                         It'll be fine.

               They enter the door.

               INT. CHARLIE'S PARENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               We again move along the hallway. We pass the Scottish wall, 
               of fame, Scottie from "Star Trek", Sir Walter Scott, Sir 
               Harry Lauder, Sheena Easton, Al Pacino, Billy Connolly, then 
               the CAMERA BACKTRACKS to Pacino, where it HOLDS MOMENTARILY.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Mom, Dad, we're here.

               May comes up, wearing a fancy country and western outfit.

                                     MAY
                         Ah, Charlie is this the wee Harriet. 
                         Ah, she's beautiful.

                                     HARRIET
                         Thank you.

                                     MAY
                         She's so sweet. I hope you keep her.
                              (calling)
                         Stuart, come out here. You tube.

               When he comes up, Stuart is wearing only a shirt with his 
               boxer shorts.

                                     STUART
                         Ah, it's the wee Harriet.

                                     MAY
                         Stuart, put your pants on.

                                     STUART
                         Hold your horses.
                              (calling to William)
                         Heed! Pants!

               William comes around the corner with his pants.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Dad, what's Al Pacino doing on the 
                         Scottish wall of fame?

                                     STUART
                         Oh, that's for Tony. So, Charlie 
                         tells me you're a butcher. Let's 
                         talk meat.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Dad, no one wants to talk shop. 
                         Especially butcher shop.

                                     STUART
                         Come here.

               Stuart gets him in a half-Nelson.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Ah! Dad, dad I have a back zit, man 
                         it kills.

               Charlie struggles to free himself. Stuart turns to greet 
               Harriet. As he reaches out his hand.

               Totally instinctively, Harriet grabs Stuart's hand and twists 
               it behind his back. Charlie is startled, as his date has 
               just gotten Stuart into a Half-Nelson.

                                     HARRIET
                              (releasing his hand)
                         I'm sorry. I just... You just 
                         surprised me. I'm sorry.

                                     STUART
                         I like this one Charlie. She's quite 
                         a filly.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'm really embarrassed.

                                     STUART
                         Don't be embarrassed about having a 
                         good strong butcher's grip. Do you 
                         link your own sausage?

                                     MAY
                         Oh, ignore him. Come have a look at 
                         some photos of Charlie when he was a 
                         wee'n.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh Mom, don't start with the pictures.

                                     MAY
                         Ah, Charlie, lighten up. You've got 
                         a pickle up your ass.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (whispering to Harriet)
                         I'm gonna use the bathroom. You be 
                         okay alone with them?

                                     HARRIET
                              (kissing)
                         Fine. Don't worry about it. Hurry.

               They smile as he leaves the room.

                                     STUART
                         Make sure there's paper, Charlie.

               Charlie picks up the pace, scared of what he might hear next.

                                     MAY
                         Make sure you leave the seat down.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (shutting her up)
                         Ma, just show her the pictures.

                                     STUART
                         And light a match.

                                     MAY
                              (to Harriet)
                         He always leaves the seat up. He's 
                         gotta learn.

               INT. BATHROOM AT PARENTS' - NIGHT

               He closes the door, and shakes his head. What can he do? 
               Those are his parents. On the wall opposite the toilet is a 
               well-used dart board with pictures of the Queen Mother and 
               Colonel Sanders. Hooked to the magazine caddie is a small 
               container of darts.

               INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

               May excitedly shows Harriet family photo albums.

                                     MAY
                         This is Charlie with his Uncle Ecky. 
                         He's a policeman in Canada. And our 
                         cousins Ruth and Jack. He's just got 
                         a restraining order from his wife. 
                         She's a lovely girl. This is Billy. 
                         He's a member of parliament. He 
                         drinks.

                                     HARRIET
                         What a nice family you have.

               CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

               He doesn't seem in any hurry to leave either. He listens 
               through the door to Harriet enthusiastically looking through 
               old photos.

               Charlie glances down at a stack of National Enquirers on the 
               magazine rack. He flips through a few.

               He sees one of the absurd headlines: "ALIEN UFO SEX DIET" 
               Charlie shakes his head.

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                              (through door)
                         Charlie was the cutest baby.

                                     STUART (O.S.)
                              (through door)
                         You okay in there, Charlie? You didn't 
                         fall in, did you?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (through door)
                         Jesus...

               Charlie then looks down at another article in the Enquirer 
               and reads:

               "WHO'S NEXT FOR MRS. X - THE HONEYMOON KILLER?"

               It is the article about Mrs. X -- the axe-murderer who kills 
               her husbands on their honeymoons and then marries again under 
               a different identity.

               IN THE LIVING ROOM

               May is quickly flipping through a photo album, pointing out 
               pictures of relatives as she goes:

                                     HARRIET
                         I can't believe the resemblance 
                         between you and Charlie, Mrs. 
                         MacKenzie.

               INT. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

               With Harriet speaking in the b.g., Charlie continues reading, 
               now absorbed in the article about the 3 victims:

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                              (through door)
                         You have the same smile. It's so 
                         incredible.

               "VICTIM #1 - THE GERMAN MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT FROM MIAMI"

               "VICTIM #2 - THE LOUNGE SINGER FROM ATLANTIC CITY"

               "VICTIM #3 - THE SAN FRANCISCO PLUMBER - RALPH ELLIOT"

               INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - NIGHT - C.U. - HARRIET'S FACE

               Sitting in the front seat of Charlie's car, smiling, content, 
               a great meal, a great night out with Charlie and a nice 
               evening with his parents.

               Slowly PAN across the front seat to Charlie. A nervous anxious 
               "what the hell am I getting myself into" look on his face.

                                     CHARLIE
                         So, that was some move you put on my 
                         Dad, there. Did you study Karate, 
                         or...?

                                     HARRIET
                         No. Not officially. I dated a guy 
                         for a while who ran a studio.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh, the martial arts expert. The 
                         north-south guy. Here in San 
                         Francisco?

                                     HARRIET
                         Actually, Miami.

               He looks straight ahead, trying to act unfazed. But, he's 
               very phased -- his expression is covered in it.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Was that before Atlantic City, or 
                         after?

                                     HARRIET
                         Oh, that was years ago. Atlantic 
                         City was recent. I didn't care for 
                         Atlantic City. A town full of gamblers 
                         and lounge singers.

               He keeps driving.

               INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

               Charlie walks through the precinct towards Tony's office, 
               holding the National Enquirer in his hand.

                                     DESK SERGEANT
                         Hey Charlie!

                                     CHARLIE
                         Is Tony back there?

               The Sergeant nods and Charlie heads back to the office.

               INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

                                     CAPTAIN
                         O.K., Tony. Do you have the K673 
                         form completed yet, that street vendor 
                         incident on Powell Street?

                                     TONY
                              (really bummed)
                         Yes, Captain.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Tony, do you mind my saying that you 
                         seem a little down?

                                     TONY
                         Captain. It's about my work. About 
                         being a policeman.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Tony, if there's anything wrong, I'm 
                         here to listen.

                                     TONY
                         I know. And that's what's irritating, 
                         you're too nice.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Too nice!?

                                     TONY
                         Yes, You're my captain for gods sakes. 
                         You should be constantly on my case, 
                         like the captain on Starsky and Hutch. 
                         Once a week you should routinely 
                         haul my ass into your office, accuse 
                         me of being a maverick and complain 
                         to me that you're sick and tired of 
                         defending my screwball antics to the 
                         commissioner.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Well, as you may know, Tony. I don't 
                         report to a commissioner. I report 
                         to a committee, some of whom are 
                         appointed, some elected and the 
                         remainder co-opted on a bi-annual 
                         basis. A quorum --

                                     TONY
                         Police work should be all about 
                         running around, following up crazy 
                         hunches that turn out to be right, 
                         going out on a limb.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Well Tony, I've never seen it that 
                         way. For me police work is all about 
                         following procedure and remaining 
                         accountable to the general public.

                                     TONY
                              (exasperated)
                         Captain! When I joined the police 
                         force, I thought I was going to be 
                         Serpico and unfortunately I ended up 
                         being Toma. I would have settled for 
                         Beretta.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         That's interesting Tony. I'm perturbed 
                         that you should be so disillusioned.

               Charlie enters.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, Tony, I gotta talk to you.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Oh, hello, Charlie. Look, I'm in the 
                         way here. You guys probably have 
                         something you want to talk about, 
                         and Tony, if you've still got stuff 
                         you want to sort out, please, you 
                         know where the suggestion box is.

               The Captain exits.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nice guy. Hey, what's up?

                                     TONY
                         I'm having doubts about being a cop 
                         again. It's not like how it is on 
                         cop shows. All I do is fill out papers 
                         and reports.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Let me get this straight, your Captain 
                         hasn't threatened to have you up on 
                         charges so fast you won't know what 
                         hit you?

                                     TONY
                         No! He's never once said to me that 
                         he was going to "throw the book at 
                         me so hard it'll knock my ass from 
                         here till Tuesday." Anyways what's 
                         up?

               Charlie pulls out the National Enquirer (the one on MRS. X, 
               the Honeymoon Killer).

                                     CHARLIE
                         Have you heard of this case? Mrs. X? 
                         She murders her husbands on their 
                         honeymoons and then changes her 
                         identity and marries again.

                                     TONY
                         I never heard of it. So what?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Curious, that's all. I read about 
                         it, and...
                              (after a pause)
                         I think I'm dating Mrs. X.

                                     TONY
                              (after a pause)
                         Two words, Charlie. Get therapy. 
                         They have doctors that deal 
                         specifically with this illness.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Everything's adding up, Tony. One of 
                         the victims was a martial arts expert. 
                         Last night at dinner, she put a 
                         martial arts move on my dad.

                                     TONY
                         There about twenty thousand people 
                         in San Francisco who are martial 
                         arts experts. Should I arrest all of 
                         them too?

                                     CHARLIE
                         If they also say Ralph in their sleep 
                         I think it'd be a good start.
                              (showing him paper)
                         Ralph Elliot. A plumber from San 
                         Francisco. Missing since his 
                         honeymoon.

                                     TONY
                         You're just getting scared. Like the 
                         dream, you feel Harriet could be the 
                         one, so you start to suspect her of 
                         things, 'cause deep down you're scared 
                         that if she is the one, you'll marry, 
                         and marriage to you is death.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, don't analyze my dreams, okay? 
                         They're my dreams. Analyze your own 
                         dreams.
                              (a beat)
                         It's not a marrying thing, Tony. 
                         It's a murdering thing.
                              (showing him paper)
                         Harriet lived in Atlantic City, right? 
                         Well so did this guy, right around 
                         the same time she left town.

                                     TONY
                              (reading article)
                         "Larry Leonard, a crooner who made a 
                         name for himself for being able to 
                         sing in six different languages the 
                         song "Only You".
                              (putting paper down)
                         Does she know the song "Only You?"

                                     CHARLIE
                         I don't know. It hasn't come up yet.

                                     TONY
                         Charlie, move past it. You're running 
                         your life by the National Enquirer.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (defensively)
                         What? It's the fifth highest 
                         circulating newspaper in the United 
                         States.
                              (taking paper back)
                         Mrs. X. Please. Look it up.

               COMPUTER ROOM AT POLICE STATION - MINUTES LATER

               Charlie and Tony are in the back with KATHY, a stocky black 
               woman in uniform, who works in the files department.

                                     KATHY
                         There's no record of any deaths. All 
                         three of these guys were reported 
                         missing around the time of their 
                         honeymoon, but so were the wives. No 
                         pictures of any of the brides. For 
                         all we know they just picked up and 
                         moved away.

                                     CHARLIE
                         And Ralph Elliot, too?

                                     TONY
                         Charlie, you're talking about three 
                         guys over a seven year span. That's 
                         hardly news. No deaths. Elopement in 
                         this state, as of this day, is still 
                         not illegal.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (re: the article)
                         Yeah well murder is. And this article 
                         says that these men were murdered by 
                         the same woman.

                                     KATHY
                         Mr. MacKenzie, we've found that, 
                         most National Enquirer articles are 
                         actually based on our own police 
                         reports. They take the facts and 
                         fabricate a story around them.

                                     TONY
                         It's true, Charlie. You gotta realize 
                         that. I mean, personally, I would 
                         lie to you, but Kathy... has this 
                         crazy notion of always telling the 
                         truth.
                              (patting his back)
                         You feel better now?

                                     CHARLIE
                         It guess so. It's just... if I had a 
                         photo of Harriet, I could show it to 
                         the relatives or friends of Mrs. X's 
                         victims to identify her.

                                     TONY
                         Charlie, listen to me! There is no 
                         Mrs. X! Drop it! Okay?

               INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - EVENING

               Charlie knocks on the door. Rose answers.

                                     ROSE
                              (thrilled)
                         You're back. But Harriet's not here 
                         yet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Maybe I could wait.

                                     ROSE
                         Sure. That would be fine.

               She then starts to slowly close the door. He props it open 
               with his hand.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Inside? I was hoping...

                                     ROSE
                              (letting him in)
                         I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to 
                         be so forward. I mean, if you're 
                         waiting inside, then you feel 
                         obligated to entertain me and keep 
                         up the conversation just to be polite, 
                         and really your head might be totally 
                         elsewhere and then there's the chance 
                         that you would really want to talk 
                         and it's me who'd be busy, but in an 
                         attempt not to be rude, I sit there 
                         and listen to some story that you 
                         don't really want to tell and I don't 
                         really have time to hear. You know?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I couldn't agree with you more.

                                     ROSE
                         I think about a lot of things.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Look, if you have work to do, you go 
                         right ahead.
                              ("ah, here's an angle")
                         I mean, to tell you the truth, I'd 
                         love to see your work.

                                     ROSE
                         Okay! What would you like me to do?

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, I don't want to see you work. I 
                         was talking about your work. Your 
                         photographs. That one that I saw was 
                         so, wonderful, and...

                                     ROSE
                         Harriet's far more talented than I 
                         am.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, I'm sure it's so subjective 
                         anyway and...
                              (out of patience)
                         Rose, show me your photos.

               CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPHS

               There are two kinds. Beautiful travel pictures and very erotic 
               black and white portraits of young men and women. All with a 
               slight sadomasochistic quality. At the bottom of every photo 
               is says: "Seasons Greetings".

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey, these are some interesting photos 
                         here. Very impressive. Nice shots of 
                         Sauselito and... some good bondage 
                         shots. A lot of people wouldn't think 
                         to mix the two subjects, but they're 
                         really a natural together.
                              (new thought)
                         Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any 
                         pictures of Harriet by chance, would 
                         you?

                                     ROSE
                              (re: her cards)
                         Well, I don't think she'd wanna do 
                         this sort of...

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, no, not that. Just, in general 
                         some photos. Any little snapshot 
                         would do.

                                     ROSE
                         I doubt I'd have any. Harriet hates 
                         being photographed.

               The sound of a key in the door as Harriet enters the 
               apartment.

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                         Rose -- did I see Charlie's car out 
                         in front?

                                     ROSE
                         We're in here, Harriet.

                                     HARRIET
                              (walking in)
                         What are you guys doing?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (covering up)
                         Oh, nothing. Just looking through 
                         some of Rose's work.

                                     ROSE
                         ...Charlie wanted a photo of you.

                                     CHARLIE
                         And that. That too.

                                     HARRIET
                         Why of me, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, sentimental reasons. Something 
                         to remind me of you when we're not 
                         together.

               She takes him in her arms and gives him a knee buckling kiss.

                                     HARRIET
                         There, can you remember that?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Okay, it's just, I was gonna give 
                         one to my parents, too, and...
                              (getting nowhere)
                         Another time would be fine. It's 
                         hardly a matter of life and death.

               TV SET - PLAYING THE EVENING NEWS

                                     NEWS ANCHORMAN
                              (ON TV)
                         In the news tonight, regarding a 
                         Beverly Hills Jeweler, Morris Cohan, 
                         who died last week, police are now 
                         suspecting that Morris's partner, 
                         Lawrence Sachs, may have murdered 
                         him with an untraceable poison.

               Reveal: we are in...

               INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Charlie is on a Stair Master, as Harriet walks in wearing a 
               robe. The TV is on in the b.g.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Where you been?

                                     HARRIET
                         Downstairs. I have a surprise for 
                         you.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Great. I just wanna do a quick twenty 
                         minutes on the Stair Master before 
                         bed.

               Harriet drops her robe, and from over her shoulder we see 
               that Charlie prefers what he sees to working out.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'll do forty tomorrow.

                                     HARRIET
                              (getting into bed)
                         I got something much healthier for 
                         you than that.

               She pulls out a milkshake from behind her back.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What is it?

                                     HARRIET
                         It's a health shake. Eggs, malt, 
                         cinnamon, oranges. It's great. I 
                         mixed it up downstairs.

               THE TV SET

               continues on about poisons and poisoners. Charlie glances at 
               it.

                                     NEWS ANCHORMAN
                              (ON TV)
                         Poisoning has become the second 
                         leading method of murder in recent 
                         years, due to...

               Charlie watches the TV, looking a bit disturbed. Harriet 
               offers him the shake.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh, look, I'm full. Dinner and... 
                         No...

                                     HARRIET
                         You'll like it Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, really, thanks.

                                     HARRIET
                              (putting it up to his 
                              lips)
                         You won't try it. I spent twenty 
                         minutes making it.

               He takes it. Lifts it to his mouth... then puts it on the 
               table.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (sniffing it)
                         Ummm. Smells good. Maybe I'll take 
                         some to the office tomorrow.
                              (running into bathroom)
                         I'm gonna brush my teeth. Be right 
                         back.

               Charlie goes into the bathroom.

               CHARLIE'S BATHROOM

               Harriet comes into the bathroom and lays the empty glass 
               down on the counter.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'm gonna take a quick shower.

               Charlie notices the empty glass on the counter.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Harriet, where did the shake go?

                                     HARRIET
                         What do you care? I drank it.
                              (getting into shower)
                         You could have at least tried it. 
                         You make me feel bad sometimes, 
                         Charlie. I don't know why.

               With her in the shower, he sneaks back into the bedroom and 
               checks the trash can. Nothing. Then he runs around the bed 
               to the other trash can. Nothing.

               He looks thoroughly confused as she enter the bedroom, wearing 
               a towel. She takes the towel off as she slips underneath the 
               covers. He gets into bed next to her. She gives him a kiss.

                                     HARRIET
                         Sorry. I'm a little sensitive. You 
                         didn't want to drink my milkshake. 
                         So what -- right?

                                     NEWS ANCHORMAN
                              (ON TV)
                         Regarding the murder between the two 
                         partners, we talked to Toxicologist 
                         Dr. Show on the issue.

               Charlie and Harriet are watching the news show. DOCTOR SHOW 
               is patched in via the Anchorman's close circuit TV.

                                     NEWS ANCHORMAN
                              (ON TV)
                         Doctor, is it possible that one could 
                         be poisoned with no trace at all?

                                     DOCTOR SHOW
                              (ON TV)
                         Certainly. There are plants that 
                         grow very commonly in our own backyard 
                         that could easily be fermented into 
                         poison. Take for instance the...

                                     CHARLIE
                              (getting nervous; 
                              blocking out TV)
                         Harriet, why don't we shut the light 
                         off.

                                     NEWS ANCHORMAN
                              (ON TV)
                         Really? And how easy it that to do?

                                     DOCTOR
                              (ON TV)
                         Scarily enough, quite simple. You 
                         merely take the...

                                     CHARLIE
                              (blocking out the TV 
                              again)
                         Maybe we should turn the light back 
                         on. Yeah that's better.

                                     HARRIET
                         Charlie, what's the matter?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nothing.

                                     HARRIET
                         Charlie...

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, it's just...
                              (re: the TV)
                         The TV. You can't even watch the 
                         news these days without getting 
                         depressed.

                                     HARRIET
                         I know, Charlie. And it's not just 
                         that. Look at the things people are 
                         doing. Partners killing each other... 
                         I mean, you hear a story like that, 
                         and... who can you really trust these 
                         days?

                                     CHARLIE
                         What do you mean?

                                     HARRIET
                         It's like, have you ever stood with 
                         someone at the edge of a cliff, or 
                         the edge of a subway platform, and 
                         you think, just for a split second, 
                         "What if I pushed him?"

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well, I don't really take the subway 
                         ever, so...

               Charlie turns over on his side, she cuddles up behind him.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'm just making a point of how many 
                         times we trust people with our lives. 
                         I mean, look at us. If you didn't 
                         trust me, you would never be able to 
                         fall asleep.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Why do you say that?

                                     HARRIET
                         Look at you, you're sleeping. Look 
                         how vulnerable you are. I mean, I 
                         could do anything at that point.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (nervous)
                         What could you do?

                                     HARRIET
                              (sweet and innocent)
                         Anything. You're lying on your side, 
                         asleep, I could... stick a needle in 
                         your ear.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (grabbing his ear at 
                              the thought)
                         Aahhh!

                                     HARRIET
                         I'm just making a point of what a 
                         good relationship we have. Goodnight, 
                         sweetheart.

               He looks very uneasy. She kisses him and shuts off the light. 
               The moon gives the room an eerie glow.

                                     HARRIET
                         Well, good night.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Good night.

               She doesn't close her eyes. He's scared to close his. Pause.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Well... good night.

                                     HARRIET
                              (smiling)
                         Good night.

               They both look over at each other. She closes her eyes. He 
               takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes.

               And covers his ear with his hand.

               INT. BART PLATFORM - DAY

               Charlie is on the crowded platform. Next to him is an old 
               lady with a lot of shopping bags. Three kids on skateboards 
               whiz by and accidentally knock bags out of her hands. Cat 
               toys and cans of cat food go everywhere. Charlie bends down 
               and starts to help her gather her stuff.

                                     LADY
                         Thank you very much, young man. I've 
                         gotta get all this stuff back to my 
                         children.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Your children?

                                     LADY
                         When I say my children I mean my 
                         cats. You see my children moved out 
                         years ago, so all I've got is my 
                         cats. I have over one hundred of 
                         them.

                                     CHARLIE
                         That's a lot of cats.

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                         Charlie.

               Charlie looks up and sees Harriet waving to him from the 
               subway stairs. He waves back and motions. "I'll be there in 
               a second", and continues to help the old lady. She watches 
               from the stairs.

                                     LADY
                         You see this red toy? That's for the 
                         Captain, he's finicky. and this blue 
                         one? That's for Marco Polo.

               Two train headlights are seen off in the distance.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Do you have a name for all of your 
                         cats?

                                     LADY
                         Oh, yes.

               Charlie glances over at Harriet, who slowly makes her way 
               down the platform towards him.

                                     LADY
                         Let me see! There's Winston Churchill, 
                         Reda Sovine, Thomas Edison, Andrew 
                         Carnegie...

               The train is getting closer and closer, and so is Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         ...He was Scottish.

               Harriet moves forward a step, Charlie moves back a step.

                                     LADY
                         Wasn't he Irish?

               As Harriet seems to get closer Charlie continues to back up, 
               picking up cat toys. Charlie realizes he has no where else 
               to turn. so he side steps down the platform, never stopping 
               his conversation with the lady.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Actually he was Scottish. Trust me, 
                         I know these things.

               Harriet is moving in on him. Charlie steadily makes his way 
               down the platform, feigning accidentally kicking cat food 
               down the platform. The old lady is unsure what is going on, 
               she tries to keep up with him.

                                     LADY
                         Now that you say it, he was Scotch.

               Charlie runs out of platform. Harriet is very close to him. 
               The train is closer, so is Harriet. Charlie lets out a scream.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Noooooo!

               Charlie is standing at the edge of the platform, Harriet is 
               a good six or seven feet away as the train passes by. Charlie 
               is safe. People are all staring at Charlie curiously, 
               including Harriet and the old lady. Charlie is embarrassed.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (embarrassed)
                         Nooooooo, Scotch is a drink. Scots 
                         are a people. Sorry, that just always 
                         bugged me.

               No one knows what is going on.

                                     LADY
                         I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant so 
                         much to you.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hi, Harriet.

               EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE BUILDING - DAY

               INT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENTS DESK.

               WE SEE A LONG DESK WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS THAT READ; BIRTHS, 
               DEATHS, AND MARRIAGES.

               We find Charlie at the marriage counter.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Yes, Sir, can I help you?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'd like to put in an announcement 
                         of my parents forty-fifth wedding 
                         anniversary.

                                     ASSISTANT
                         Sure, it's $4.50 per word, and you've 
                         got a choice of standard or bold.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Bold, and here, I've written it out.

               Charlie looks over to the deaths counter. He overhears two 
               obituary assistants having a conversation.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         Hi, Frank, busy week?

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
                         I've only got two. It's dead around 
                         here.

               Both assistants laugh. Charlie is mildly bemused.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
                         Well, I've got this one guy, a 
                         tourist. He had a heart attack on a 
                         cable car.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         Looks like he left his heart in San 
                         Francisco.

                                     MARRIAGE ASSISTANT
                         Hey, that's a real person you're 
                         talking about.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         You're right, I'm sorry.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
                         Well, there's this other guy Elliot, 
                         Ralph. Plumber, disappeared four 
                         months ago. Body found in a sewer.
                              (pause)

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                              (despite himself)
                         I guess he took his work too 
                         seriously, and his life went down 
                         the drain.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Did they mention anything about his 
                         wife?

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                              (crest fallen)
                         You're right, I feel bad. Point taken. 
                         I'm mean, these are real people we're 
                         talking about.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, I'm serious. Did he mention the 
                         wife?

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         You made your point. I was wrong to 
                         make a joke about a person's life.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I really want to know about his wife.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                              (crying and shouting)
                         O.K., you win. I'm a bad, bad person.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
                         Frank take it easy.

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         No, he's right!
                              (pounding his head 
                              with his fists)
                         I'm for shit, I'm one insensitive 
                         asshole.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Is there any mention of the wife? At 
                         all?

                                     OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
                         NO! THERE'S NO MENTION OF THE WIFE! 
                         YOU HAPPY!?

               Charlie exits.

               EXT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENT OFFICE - DAY

               Charlie stands outside the announcement office, terrified.

               INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

               Harriet is talking to a CUSTOMER.

                                     HARRIET
                         Hi.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm sorry.
                              (beat)
                         I think you're a terrific woman.
                              (beat)
                         I just don't think we should see 
                         each other anymore.

               She moves around to Charlie. She lifts his chin so that he 
               is looking directly into her eyes.

                                     HARRIET
                         Why not? And tell me the truth.

                                     CHARLIE
                         The truth. Okay. The truth is...

               She is so close to him, and so very beautiful, it's 
               distracting.

                                     CHARLIE
                         The truth is... I'm afraid that you 
                         are...
                              (he can't)
                         You're going to laugh.

                                     HARRIET
                         I don't think so.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Okay... the truth is that I'm afraid 
                         you're going to ki... leave me.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'm going to "cleave you?" What does 
                         that mean?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Leave me. Not "cleave me." Reject 
                         me. And so I decided to take matters 
                         into my own hands and get it over 
                         with by...

                                     HARRIET
                         Rejecting me.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (he feels awful)
                         Purely preventive... It's not anything 
                         you've done.

                                     HARRIET
                         I know that... So why are you leaving 
                         me?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (heartbroken)
                         Harriet, maybe I'm not meant to be 
                         in a relationship.

               A single tear runs down her cheek. She brushes it away 
               quickly.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I never wanted to hurt you.

                                     HARRIET
                         You haven't. At least you left early 
                         on.
                              (she's crying)
                         So, that's it, then. I've got a lot 
                         of work to do.
                              (to Customer)
                         Now, where were we?

               Charlie goes.

               INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

               Charlie lies on the bar head down. Tony rushes in, looks 
               around and sees Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (without lifting head)
                         Two hours and four minutes. Tony, I 
                         need you, and two hours and four 
                         minutes later you show up.

                                     TONY
                         Sorry. I know it was irresponsible 
                         to stay at the drug bust until it 
                         was over, but... What happened?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (slowly sitting up)
                         I'm gonna tell you, but when I do, 
                         just say nothing. Don't judge me. 
                         Just be my friend. Okay?

                                     TONY
                         Fine. Okay.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I broke up with Harriet.

                                     TONY
                         You're an asshole.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What's your point?

                                     TONY
                         I'm sorry, I just... why?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tony, she's a killer. The... 
                         everything.

                                     TONY
                         But nothing's proven. The only thing 
                         you're actually sure she did so far 
                         is she's treated you like a King.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I dunno, Tony, I just...

                                     TONY
                         Besides, everyone has something going 
                         on with them. I mean, you can't find 
                         everything in one person. I mean, 
                         she's bright, she's funny, she's 
                         independent. So maybe, and it's really 
                         just a maybe, she kills her husbands. 
                         Marriage is give and take, Man. You 
                         take the good with the bad.

               INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

               Charlie lies in bed. He's writing in his journal. He stares 
               out into space. Inspired, he writes...

               ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

               DON'T BE DISILLUSIONED BY THE SCOTTISH SON AS HE FLIES, IN 
               BAT-LIKE UNISON

               CHARLIE

               pauses a moment to reflect, then writes...

               ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

               UNTRUST-ING 
               UNKNOW-ING 
               UNLOV-ING

               CHARLIE

               Thinks of something else and writes...

               ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

               THIS POEM SUCKS

               His hand reaches across and scratches it out.

               EXT. HAIGHT-ASHBURY STREET - DAY

               Charlie is exiting a vintage record store. Suddenly he finds 
               himself face to face with Sherri. She's accompanied by a 
               handsome young man.

                                     SHERRI
                         Hey, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hi. How're you doing.
                              (he glances at her 
                              friend)
                         Good, huh?

                                     SHERRI
                         I'm okay. This is Michael. Michael, 
                         this is Charlie MacKenzie.

                                     YOUNG GUY
                         I know. Why don't you two talk. I'm 
                         going over there to buy some 
                         magazines.

               He walks over to a magazine stand.

                                     CHARLIE
                         That good looking and he can read!

                                     SHERRI
                         I'm teaching him. I heard you have a 
                         new girlfriend.

                                     CHARLIE
                         We broke up. There were problems.

                                     SHERRI
                         Problems?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Difficulties.

                                     SHERRI
                         Let me guess...
                              (smiles)
                         She's a murderer.

               For a moment, Charlie is too stunned to respond. Then...

                                     CHARLIE
                         Why did you just say that?

                                     SHERRI
                              (laughs)
                         What else is left?

               INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - EARLY EVENING

               He's on the Stair Master, stepping very lethargically. The 
               TELEPHONE RINGS: He goes to answer.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hello...

                                     TONY
                              (through phone)
                         Not that it matters anymore, but I 
                         thought you should know -- someone 
                         just turned themselves in for the 
                         murder of Ralph Elliot.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Really? Did she confess to the other 
                         murders?

                                     TONY
                         Just the plumber so far, but she'll 
                         come along.
                              (after a pause)
                         A little old lady from Pacific 
                         Heights. Said he overcharged her on 
                         a leaking sink.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Really. Leaky sink, huh?

                                     TONY
                         Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go. 
                         I'll catch you later.

               Tony hangs up. Charlie stops pedaling on the bike. Now he 
               really feels like shit. Harriet's not a killer. Sherri's not 
               a cheater.

               He races out of the bedroom.

               Moments later he appears, puts on a pair of pants over his 
               exercise shorts, then races out the door again.

               EXT./INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING

               Charlie races along towards Harriet's house.

               EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT DOOR - DAY

               He races up to the door and starts to bang and knock and 
               ring...

                                     CHARLIE
                              (through door)
                         Harriet, it's me, Charlie.

                                     HARRIET (O.S.)
                         Go away, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I've gotta talk to you, cause I miss 
                         you, and I made a mistake... and if 
                         you give me another chance I'll 
                         change. I will. I promise. I'll get 
                         help, or therapy, or... Yeah, that'll 
                         be great. Therapy. Even twice a week. 
                         I'll check with my insurance to see 
                         if I'm covered, but forget that. 
                         Harriet...

               The chain opens on the door.

                                     HARRIET
                         You really hurt me.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'll make it up to you, can we at 
                         least talk.

                                     HARRIET
                         Sure, talk.

               Rose steps up behind Charlie.

                                     ROSE (O.S.)
                         Hi, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         AAAhhhhhh.

                                     ROSE
                              (as she now proceeds 
                              to be let in by 
                              Harriet)
                         Trust your first instincts, Charlie. 
                         You never do. It's your big mistake. 
                         That and the haircut.

               Once again, baffled by Rose, Charlie touches his hair, shakes 
               it off and looks Harriet right in the eye.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I don't want to lose you.

                                     HARRIET
                         You didn't lose me. You rejected me.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm unrejecting you.

                                     HARRIET
                         How do I know you won't reject me 
                         again?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I love you.

                                     HARRIET
                              (after a long pause)
                         I love you. But you blew it, Charlie, 
                         you blew it.

               She goes into the house. Charlie stands there dejected. He 
               knows he's blown it.

               INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               Harriet is doing a load of laundry consisting of bloodied 
               work clothes. Suddenly she can hear the sound of MUSIC, very 
               loudly.

               Annoyed, she goes out her front door to tell her neighbors 
               off. Just as she's about to knock on the door, she realizes 
               it's not the source of the music. At that moment her neighbor, 
               who is a STEWARDESS, comes out in nightclothes.

                                     STEWARDESS
                         I don't mean to be a pain, but I'm a 
                         stewardess, and I have an early flight 
                         out in the morning. Can you please 
                         keep your music down?

                                     HARRIET
                         I thought it was coming from here.

                                     STEWARDESS
                         But someone keeps shouting your name 
                         over and over.

               Puzzled, Harriet rushes back to her own balcony.

               EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT

               Harriet rushes out and smiles as she sees the source of the 
               noise. Charlie serenades Harriet in the street below, 
               accompanied by a TRUMPETER with a MUTE, a DOUBLE BASS PLAYER 
               AND A GUY ON A SNARE.

                                     CHARLIE
                         HARRIET, HARRIET HARD-HEARTED 
                         HARBINGER OF HAGGIS 
                         BEAUTIFUL, BEMUSED BELLICOSE BUTCHER
                         UNTRUST-ING
                         UNKNOW-ING
                         UNLOV-ING
                         HE WANTS YOU BACK HE SCREAMS INTO 
                         THE NIGHT AIR LIKE A FIREMAN GOING 
                         TO A WINDOW THAT HAS NO FIRE EXCEPT 
                         THE PASSION OF HIS HEART 
                         I AM LONELY,
                         IT'S REALLY HARD
                         THIS POEM SUCKS

               A crowd has gathered in the street and spectators group on 
               their balconies. They break out into APPLAUSE. Charlie proudly 
               takes the applause and bows to Harriet. She throws him a 
               flower. He's won her back.

               INT. BATHTUB - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               Romantic with candles surrounding the tub. Harriet and Charlie 
               are bathing together. Wherever one of them moves, the water 
               extinguishes a candle and Charlie lights it. This is keeping 
               him pretty busy.

                                     HARRIET
                         I've been there for almost a year. I 
                         only planned on stay with her for a 
                         few weeks, but she gets upset every 
                         time I say I'm moving.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You were close as kids?

                                     HARRIET
                         I pretty much raised her. You know 
                         the scene. Depressed mother... 
                         withdrawn father.
                              (she remembers)
                         My dad was a photographer too.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Really?

                                     HARRIET
                         He hated it. Trudging off to those 
                         weddings every Saturday night. Other 
                         people's celebrations he called it. 
                         He said sometimes they didn't even 
                         offer him a glass of soda. He had a 
                         small studio, and every year at 
                         Christmas he'd take a picture of me 
                         and Rose and put it in the window on 
                         a little card that said "Seasons 
                         Greetings." Awful pictures. It's 
                         like... I could see his pain in my 
                         face. Anyway, me and my sister worked 
                         with our "childhood issues" in 
                         different ways. She became a 
                         photographer and I became phobic 
                         about having my picture taken. It's 
                         quite a family.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Where are they now? Your parents?

                                     HARRIET
                         Dead. Car accident.

               There is a RING at the door.

                                     ROSE (O.S.)
                         Harriet, its for you.

               INT. HARRIET'S LIVING ROOM

               Charlie comes out of the bathroom in a robe.

                                     HARRIET
                         Charlie, I want you to meet a friend 
                         of mine. Say hi to Ralph.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (shocked)
                         Ralph?

               A plain looking lady in her thirties, RALPH, is sitting by 
               the window.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (delighted)
                         Oh, like Ralph, the lady carpenter 
                         in Green Acres!

                                     HARRIET
                         This is Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I love you!

                                     RALPH
                         It's nice to meet you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (ecstatic)
                         Nice? It's more than nice. It's great 
                         to meet you. It's fantastic to meet 
                         you. I just, I can't tell you how 
                         glad I am. Ralph. Really. I am.

                                     RALPH
                         Well, thank you, I've heard a lot of 
                         nice things about you too, and...

               He rushes over to hug her.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Oh, Ralphie, I love you.

               Swept up in his enthusiasm his towel falls off. Harriet is 
               shocked, but amused.

                                     HARRIET
                         I'll leave you guys alone. Have a 
                         great time.

               Charlie realizes he is naked. His arms are still wrapped 
               around Ralph.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm naked, aren't I?

                                     HARRIET
                         Why, yes, you are.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I should really get dressed now.

               He hurriedly puts his towel back on, bolts to the bedroom 
               door. Just before he enters, he pauses and turns to Ralph.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (to Ralph)
                         Call me.

               He leaves.

                                     RALPH
                              (to Harriet; a little 
                              confused)
                         Friendly guy.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               A KITCHEN DOOR OPENS...

               and Charlie's mother, MAY, shoulders her way through the 
               door, carrying a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAKE with a big 45 written 
               on it.

               PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE ARE IN:

               INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

               May and Stuart's 45 year anniversary party. UNCLE ANGUS is 
               at the piano playing "Happy Anniversary" as Charlie's parents, 
               all their friends and Harriet all sit around the piano 
               SINGING:

                                     THE GROUP
                         Happy Anniversary to you...
                              (Etc.)

               The song ends. May and Stuart blow out the candles.

                                     MAY
                         Okay, everyone come and get a piece 
                         of cake and some milk.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hey Dad, I got an anniversary present 
                         for you...

               Stuart looks up, and Charlie gets him in a headlock and pins 
               him to the ground.

                                     STUART
                         I'm proud of you, son. I'm proud of 
                         you.
                              (Stuart addresses the 
                              group)
                         I just wanna propose a toast. To my 
                         wife. Forty five years ago today May 
                         and I got married. Some of you were 
                         there, some of you weren't born yet, 
                         some of you are now dead, but... We 
                         both said, "I do" and we haven't 
                         agreed on a single thing since. But, 
                         I'm glad I married you May cause... 
                         It could have been worse and 
                         besides... I still love you.

               They kiss and everyone APPLAUDS. Uncle Angus breaks into, 
               "Stand By Your Man." May and Stuart start to dance. Charlie 
               looks at another young couple who are touched by this sincere 
               display of love. He looks over at Harriet. Stuart and May 
               feed each other cake. Charlie approaches Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Harriet, I wanna talk to you.

                                     HARRIET
                         Boy, you really made some impression 
                         with Ralph. She can't get over you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (stalling; nervous)
                         I'm just so happy for you to have 
                         friends like Ralph. What a great 
                         friend to have.

                                     HARRIET
                         Is everything all right, Charlie? 
                         You're perspiring.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Harriet... marry me.

                                     HARRIET
                         What?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I want to have a wedding. With you.

                                     HARRIET
                         No.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Please.

                                     HARRIET
                         I don't know, Charlie. It's so good 
                         like it is. Why don't we just live 
                         together first?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Because, I love you and I want you 
                         to marry me and be with me for 45 
                         years. I want you to have my children, 
                         and I want to have your children. I 
                         know that sounds like a lot of 
                         children, and they might not all get 
                         along, but... I'm finally ready to 
                         trust you and to make a commitment. 
                         Marry me, Harriet, please. Be my 
                         wife.

               Harriet flinches slightly at the word "Wife", but Charlie is 
               too wrapped up in the moment to notice. Stuart addresses the 
               group.

                                     STUART
                         I'd like to thank Charlie for throwing 
                         us this party. I hope some day you 
                         have the same great 45 years that 
                         we've had.

               People clap and smile. Harriet looks at Charlie. He has tears 
               in his eyes.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yes.

               At first it doesn't register. Then...

                                     CHARLIE
                         You will?

               She smiles.

                                     HARRIET
                         Let's get married, Charlie.

               They kiss.

                                     MAY
                              (from across room)
                         Harriet, come here a minute. I want 
                         you and Uncle Angus to play a song 
                         together.

               Harriet and Charlie kiss one last time and she goes to the 
               piano.

               Charlie stays in the corner, and Tony comes over.

                                     TONY
                         Hey, sorry I'm so late. What's 
                         happening?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nothing. Nothing at all. Just two 
                         little things...
                              (as Tony looks in)
                         That woman over there in the corner... 
                         She's Harriet's friend, and her name 
                         is Ralph.

                                     TONY
                         No shit.

                                     CHARLIE
                         And secondly... That woman over 
                         there...
                              (Re: Harriet)
                         That's Harriet, and we're getting 
                         married.

                                     TONY
                              (excited)
                         Fantastic... What did I tell you. 
                         She's a great girl. And the last 
                         thing in the world she'd be is a 
                         murderer.

               And then Harriet begins singing at the piano.

                                     HARRIET
                              (singing)
                         ONLY YOU...
                         CAN MAKE THIS WORLD SEEM RIGHT...
                         ONLY YOU...
                         CAN MAKE THIS DARKNESS LIGHT..."

               Tony and Charlie look at each other. "Only you?" Then Charlie 
               looks at his bride with confidence.

               He walks over and joins her. She sings to him. It's a moment.

               INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY

               Charlie and Harriet pick out a diamond ring.

               INT. TRAVEL AGENCY

               Charlie and Harriet point to brochures of the different cities 
               they could go to on their honeymoon. They decide on a picture 
               of the "DRY CREEK LODGE" in Oregon.

               INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

               They are getting their blood tests back. Harriet looks at 
               hers, casually. Charlie is nervous. Reluctantly he opens the 
               file and looks at it. He is pleased with the results and 
               does a victory dance.

               EXT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - ESTABLISHING

               INT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH

               Charlie and Harriet are being married. Harriet is in a 
               beautiful wedding gown. Charlie is wearing a kilt. Tony is 
               the best man. He also wears a kilt. Stuart, also kilted, 
               May, the whole family along with a hundred well-wishers are 
               in attendance. The SCOTTISH MINISTER presides. Rose is in a 
               kilt.

                                     SCOTTISH MINISTER
                         Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will take 
                         this woman to be your wife, through 
                         thick and thin, for better or for 
                         worse, please say: "I do"...

                                     CHARLIE
                         I do...

                                     SCOTTISH MINISTER
                         Now Harriet, if you will take this 
                         man, through good times and bad, for 
                         ever and ever, as your husband, please 
                         say "I Do"...

               Harriet starts to speak; but right before the words come 
               out, she stares into Charlie's eyes and STOPS. Charlie looks 
               nervous. So does the Scottish Minister. So does Tony. So 
               does everyone.

                                     HARRIET
                              (after a long pause; 
                              finally:)
                         I do.

                                     SCOTTISH MINISTER
                         Now Charlie... Kiss the beautiful 
                         bride!

               Charlie and Harriet kiss. We can see (though Charlie can't) 
               Harriet has a strange unsure expression on her face. Tony 
               notices it though and can't figure it out.

                                     STUART
                         Let's get pissed.

               The wedding march kicks in being played by a drunken Scotsman 
               on BAGPIPES.

               INT. RECEPTION HALL

               A Scottish accordionist and a Drummer play SCOTLAND THE BRAVE. 
               Some OLDER SCOTTISH AUNTIES are CLAPPING and HOOTING LOUDLY 
               along with the tune. Some young girl COUSINS in traditional 
               Scottish costume, dance the sword dance along to SCOTLAND 
               THE BRAVE.

               We pass the buffet which we see is catered by "Meats Of The 
               World." Then we pass a very drunken Stuart in a heated 
               discussion with four other people.

                                     STUART
                         You know Golden Gate park was designed 
                         by a Scotsman, MacClaren, which is 
                         who MacClaren park was named after.

               The others agree heartily.

               May and Tony are dancing. May is dancing uncomfortably close. 
               She keeps sliding her hand down to his ass, which he then 
               has to move back to his shoulder.

               Then we come to William, who's reluctantly at the children's 
               table. All his little cousins are queuing up for a chance to 
               feel his head.

               We find Charlie in a corner. One of the hooting Scottish 
               aunties is trying to get him to have another Scotch.

                                     AUNTIE MOLLY
                              (proffering the Scotch)
                         Charlie, get this down your neck.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Auntie Molly if I have another one 
                         I'll end up underneath the table 
                         with my kilt over my head.

               Tony joins them.

                                     TONY
                         Where's Harriet?

                                     CHARLIE
                         I don't know. Oh, there she is.

               She's in the corner by herself looking weird and ominous. 
               She has enough food in front or her for three people.

               She eats ravenously and incessantly. Charlie goes over to 
               her.

                                     CHARLIE
                         A little hungry, were you?

               At that moment, a FLASH goes off. Harriet looks up angrily.

                                     HARRIET
                         What are you...!

               Then she realizes it's Rose. She calms down and smiles. 
               Charlie looks at her, a little peculiarly, but Harriet regains 
               her composure.

                                     HARRIET
                         Sorry. The flash just...

               The band kicks into a new dance. A YOUNG BOY comes up to the 
               bagpipe man with a shot of whiskey and whispers into his 
               ear. The bagpipe man stops the song, downs the whiskey and 
               then breaks into Rod Stewart's "IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY." From 
               across the room we hear Stuart singing.

                                     STUART
                              (full volume; singing)
                         IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
                         AND YOU WANT MY BODY...
                         COME ON BABY LET ME KNOW.

               Stuart gives the Bagpiper the thumbs up. The young people in 
               the room start to jam, and then one by one the other guests 
               start getting into the swing of things. The bagpipe man 
               continues playing. It is clear that he is far too drunk to 
               play. He slowly keels over, drunk. And as he falls over face 
               first, he lands on his Bagpipes. The bagpipes let out an 
               ATONAL DEFLATING SOUND like the last dying throes of a 
               tortured animal. The BAGPIPE WAIL extends into the next scene.

               EXT. HIGH ABOVE COAST - DAY

                                     CHARLIE (V.O.)
                         Wait 'til you see this place, Harriet.

               INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - DAY

               They drive along the beautiful coast. Harriet is still eating. 
               They're listening to TEENAGE FAN CLUB.

                                     CHARLIE
                         This is Teenage Fan Club. They're 
                         from Scotland.

                                     HARRIET
                         They're great.

                                     CHARLIE
                         We'll have the whole lodge to 
                         ourselves practically.

                                     HARRIET
                         I can't wait, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I wish you could be me, so you could 
                         know how great it feels to be with 
                         you.

                                     HARRIET
                         It sounds wonderful

                                     CHARLIE
                         Do you think that would be a good 
                         line for a poem?

                                     HARRIET
                         Honestly? It sounds a little Hallmark.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yeah, it's a little Seals and Croft. 
                         I have a habit of sabotaging 
                         relationships, and there were a 
                         million times during me and you that 
                         I could have blown this, and I just 
                         thank God that I didn't...

               INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

               Tony is at his desk. The captain kicks open the door, knocking 
               Tony's feet off the desk. The captain is now dressed in 
               suspenders, a loosened tie, and a shirt with pit stains.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         O.K., Spiletti, I got word from 
                         upstairs that you been pokin' your 
                         nose into that Ralph Elliot case.

                                     TONY
                         Yes, Captain.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Don't "yes, Captain" me, Spiletti. 
                         You're outta line. This is strictly 
                         homicide.

                                     TONY
                         Captain, I got this friend...

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Friend? Yeah, we all got friends, 
                         Spiletti. I'm warning you, Stay away 
                         from this one. Back off, Italian 
                         boy. You're getting too close to 
                         this one.

                                     TONY
                         Captain, I know what I'm doing. Trust 
                         me. What's the news.

                                     CAPTAIN
                         I can't believe I'm doing this, but 
                         that girl who confused to Ralph 
                         Elliot's murder also confessed to 
                         other murders.

                                     TONY
                         I knew she would! I knew it!

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Yeah, apparently she also confessed 
                         to killing Abe Lincoln, Julius Caesar, 
                         and Warren G. Harding. She's a nut, 
                         Spiletti!

                                     TONY
                              (getting up)
                         Oh, my god! I gotta go!

                                     CAPTAIN
                         Yeah, screw this one up Spiletti and 
                         you'll be writing parking tickets 
                         for the rest of your days.

                                     TONY
                         I won't let you down, Captain.

               Tony exits for a beat, then pokes his head in the doorway.

                                     TONY
                         That's much better Captain.

                                     CAPTAIN
                              (nice again)
                         You think so? Well, thank you very 
                         much.

               EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

               Tony hurries to his car.

               EXT. GAS STATION ALONG THE COAST - DAY

               They stop at a gas station with a small mini-mart. As Charlie 
               is filling the tank he notices Harriet slipping the key out 
               of the ignition before she walks to the mini-mart for more 
               food.

                                     HARRIET
                         You want anything?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Lamb chops, creamed spinach, stuffed 
                         tomatoes and a Hershey Bar.

               Harriet arrives at the little Ma and Pa type mini-mart and 
               smiles to Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         If they don't have all that, I'll 
                         just take the Hershey bar.

               EXT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

               Tony stands at the door, buzzing the buzzer to no response.

               INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING

               They are still driving along the coast. Charlie is eating 
               his Hershey Bar. Harriet's eyes are becoming a bit glazed 
               now, her movements a little static. She keeps looking behind 
               them and out the window.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What do you keep looking behind us 
                         for?
                              (joking)
                         Is someone following you, or...?

                                     HARRIET
                         They were. I think they're gone.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (curious; pausing)
                         What do you mean, they were?

                                     HARRIET
                         The gas station guy. I thought he 
                         was chasing us for a while, but I 
                         guess he stopped.

                                     CHARLIE
                         The gas station guy? Why would the 
                         gas station guy chase us.

                                     HARRIET
                         I don't know, Charlie. I guess for 
                         not paying.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What do you mean not paying? You 
                         didn't pay him for the gas.

                                     HARRIET
                         I forgot to pay... I didn't want to 
                         be away from you for any longer.

                                     CHARLIE
                         So, you just left.

                                     HARRIET
                         Yes. And you're an accomplice.

               He stops mid-bite on his Hershey Bar. He's confused.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm not sure I understand.

                                     HARRIET
                         Look, Charlie, don't you get it? 
                         We're a team.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (going with it)
                         I can play that game. I'll get the 
                         next gas station. Like Bonnie & Clyde.

               He and Bonnie continue on the winding road and pass a sign 
               that reads: "DRY CREEK LODGE - 40 MILES"

               INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Tony knocks. No answer. He picks the lock and enters.

               INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

               Rose is tied up and lying in a pool of blood. Tony stops for 
               a beat, draws his gun and slowly walks over to her. Just as 
               he gets there, a SHUTTER CLICKS.

                                     ROSE
                         Oh, hi!

                                     TONY
                              (practically hysterical)
                         What is it with the women in your 
                         family?

                                     ROSE
                         I was just doing a murder series in 
                         honor of the wedding.

                                     TONY
                         Hey, this is real blood.

                                     ROSE
                         Yes, Harriet, give it to me. She's a 
                         butcher.
                              (Tony reacts)
                         ...She owns a butcher shop.

                                     TONY
                         I need a picture of Harriet.

                                     ROSE
                         Sorry. No can do.

                                     TONY
                         You took a picture at the party. I 
                         saw it.

                                     ROSE
                         It didn't come out.

                                     TONY
                         Look, Rose. I need a photo.

                                     ROSE
                         The picture didn't come out.
                              (he waits)
                         It was unflattering. In made her 
                         look ten pounds heavier.
                              (he waits)
                         She's my sister.

                                     TONY
                         She's been implicated in a crime. I 
                         need the photo to eliminate her as a 
                         suspect.

                                     ROSE
                         And if she's not innocent. If she's, 
                         you know, "quirky?"

                                     TONY
                         If she's "quirky" we'll save Charlie's 
                         life.

               Rose pulls out a photograph -- Charlie and Harriet. Looking 
               young and in love.

               EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - LATE IN THE DAY

               A beautiful old Colonial Mansion, nestled in the mountains 
               and forests of the North-West. Romantic and from another 
               day. Charlie and Harriet pull up in front of it.

               The Valets open the door for them.

                                     HARRIET
                         It's like a castle, Charlie. It's so 
                         beautiful.

                                     VALET
                         Welcome to the Dry Creek. You just 
                         beat the rainstorm. Two hours later 
                         and the roads'd probably be closed.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Great. If you could help us with the 
                         luggage, we have these two in the 
                         back seat and...

               As they deal with the luggage, Harriet starts to walk away 
               from the hotel, away from the car, rain falling on her head. 
               She walks straight at the CAMERA, so only we can see her 
               expression. Her expression is one of simply "losing it".

                                     CHARLIE
                         Harriet? What are you doing honey?

               Harriet turns around and smiles at Charlie. He smiles back.

               INT. LOBBY OF DRY CREEK LODGE - EVENING

               Charlie and Harriet stand at the desk. Harriet is not quite 
               paying attention. Her attention span has slipped to none. 
               She's fidgety. She looks around suspiciously at everything 
               and everyone.

                                     DESK CLERK
                         Welcome, Sir. We have you with us 
                         for four nights, Mr. MacKenzie. Dinner 
                         reservations are at eight-thirty.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Great. Sounds terrific.

                                     DESK CLERK
                         Also, you might wanna prepare some 
                         candles by the bed. We're expecting 
                         the rainstorm to get even worse. We 
                         might even lose the power tonight.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Did you hear that, Harriet? A storm. 
                         I can't think of anything more 
                         romantic than the two of us trapped 
                         in our room in the middle of a rain 
                         storm.
                              (noticing her)
                         You okay, Harriet?

                                     HARRIET
                         Just a little head-ache.
                              (to clerk)
                         Excuse me, is there a drug store in 
                         the hotel? I want to get some aspirin.

                                     DESK CLERK
                         Right beyond those trees, Ma'm. 
                         Anything you need.

                                     HARRIET
                         Thanks. Don't go anywhere. I'll be 
                         right back.

               Harriet walks off to the lobby store, backwards, looking at 
               Charlie. Charlie watches her walk off. The Desk Clerk sits 
               staring at Charlie.

                                     DESK CLERK
                         You think she's really got a head-
                         ache?

                                     CHARLIE
                         What?

                                     DESK CLERK
                         Ah, nothing. Here's your key. You're 
                         in the Oak Room.

               Charlie looks back at the drug store, where Harriet is 
               shopping. She waves to him. Charlie looks back at the Desk 
               Clerk and grabs the key.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               FAX OF THE PHOTO OF CHARLIE & HARRIET

               coming out of a fax machine.

               INT. WALTER'S PLUMBING - EARLY EVENING

               WALTER, the owner of the Plumbing store, dressed in overalls 
               takes the Fax out and then picks up the phone.

                                     WALTER
                         That's Ralph Elliot's wife, alright. 
                         She had shorter hair in those days.

               INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO - NIGHT

               MASTER CHO, the new owner of the studio, dressed in a gee, 
               looks at the same fax.

                                     MASTER CHO
                              (into phone)
                         Mrs. Richter gain much weight since 
                         then, but it's definitely her.

               INT. THE LIZARD'S LOUNGE - ATLANTIC CITY

               RANDY ROMANO, the owner, talks into the phone, holding up 
               the faxed photo of Charlie and Harriet.

                                     RANDY
                         That's his little lollipop, alright. 
                         Boy he loved her. I'll tell you, she 
                         was a lot of fun. Smart. A doll face 
                         to boot.

               INT. TONY'S CUBICLE - NIGHT

               Tony is on the phone. Kathy, seen before at the police 
               station, stands with him.

                                     TONY
                         Circuits are out from the storm.

               Tony gets to the police station door and opens it. Kathy 
               follows him.

                                     TONY
                              (to Kathy)
                         Keep trying the hotel. Tell the chief 
                         I just chartered a plane up to Oregon.

               The Police Captain enters.

                                     CAPTAIN
                              (points to his hair)
                         See that Spiletti -- A gray hair! 
                         Every day, Spiletti, I find another 
                         one. And that's all due to you. Get 
                         out there, and catch me some bad 
                         guys!

                                     TONY
                         Not now, Captain.

                                     CAPTAIN
                              (nice again)
                         Sorry.

               Tony dashes out of the police station and into his car.

               INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

               A beautiful suite, with a fireplace burning a big stack of 
               wood, with another stack next to it, with an AXE in it. Music 
               is playing softly on the stereo. And Charlie and Harriet 
               have just finished making love underneath the covers, 
               illuminated just by the light of the fireplace.

                                     CHARLIE
                         This is the best honeymoon I could 
                         ever imagine, Harriet. If we had to 
                         pack and go home right now, I'd still 
                         think it was the greatest honeymoon 
                         ever.

               Harriet doesn't respond. Her head is turned from his.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Don't you agree, Harriet? Harriet?

               He pulls the sheets away from her face to see that she is 
               crying.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (wiping her tears)
                         What? What are you crying? What is 
                         it?

                                     HARRIET
                         It's nothing. It's just... I was 
                         just thinking... We're married now. 
                         And I always wanted to try and have 
                         kids, and...

                                     CHARLIE
                         So do I. Look, there's nothing more 
                         I'd like to do than have, kids, or...

                                     HARRIET
                         It's just, I get scared that certain 
                         things will happen, or...

                                     CHARLIE
                         What are you talking about? You're 
                         gonna be a great Mom. I know you 
                         will.

                                     HARRIET
                         It's not that, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What then?

                                     HARRIET
                         You're gonna laugh.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Tell me. Of course I'm not gonna 
                         laugh. Kids is a big thing. It's 
                         hard. I'm sure I have the same fears.

                                     HARRIET
                         If we have kids, Charlie, things 
                         happen. Kids are healthy and fine, 
                         and some aren't, and I don't know if 
                         I could live with myself if I gave 
                         birth to a child with webbed feet.

               Charlie stops to think about this. Webbed feet?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Webbed feet?

                                     HARRIET
                         You're laughing.

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, I'm not laughing.

                                     HARRIET
                         You think that's silly?

                                     CHARLIE
                         No, no. That's a natural fear. I've 
                         thought about that fear.

                                     HARRIET
                         It really worries me, Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (quite confused)
                         Well, look, they have, doctors -- I 
                         assume -- that deal, only with, webbed 
                         feet. And, God Forbid, and I'm talking 
                         strictly hypothetically, should that 
                         happen, we'll find one.

                                     HARRIET
                              (kissing him; happy 
                              now)
                         You're the greatest Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (confused, to say the 
                              least)
                         Thanks. We should get ready for 
                         dinner.

               EXT./INT. CHARTERED CESSNA - NIGHT

               A small plane flies through the clouds. It's just Tony and 
               DENNIS the pilot.

               Dennis never really realizes this is more than a sightseeing 
               tour, and constantly points out scenic points along the way.

                                     DENNIS
                         Out your left side, you can see the 
                         Sierra Nevada, which is the largest 
                         mountain range west of the Rockies...

                                     TONY
                         Great. Rockies. I don't care. Oregon. 
                         Move.

               INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM AT DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

               Charlie is dressed very sharply in sport coat and tie. He 
               yells into the bathroom where we can see part of Harriet 
               from behind.

                                     CHARLIE
                         You almost ready? The first seating 
                         is in five minutes.

                                     HARRIET
                              (from other room)
                         I just wanna look good for you, 
                         Charlie. That's all.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I'm sure you look great. I'm sure 
                         you look...

               Harriet turns the corner, wearing a nice dress. Her hair 
               looks okay. She's wearing perfume. The only problem is, she 
               has two lines of mascara running down her cheeks. She's been 
               crying. Charlie looks curious.

                                     HARRIET
                         Do I look okay, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes. Well...

               Charlie points to his own eye.

                                     HARRIET
                         What's wrong?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nothing. You kind of look like Tammy 
                         Faye Baker right now.

               She looks in the mirror.

                                     HARRIET
                         Oh, yeah.

               She goes back into the bathroom.

               EXT. CESSNA - NIGHT

               The plane descends towards the runway. The rain comes down 
               hard.

                                     DENNIS (V.O.)
                         As we prepare to land, we can see 
                         off to our left Lake Shanony, which 
                         is...

                                     TONY (V.O.)
                         Just land. Don't worry about Lake 
                         Shanony. I don't give a shit about 
                         Lake Shanony.

               The plane touches down.

               EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

               Rain pours fantastically on the gothic castle. Wind blows 
               hard.

                                     MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
                         A toast to our new friends, Charlie 
                         and Harriet...

               INT. BEAUTIFUL FRENCH RESTAURANT IN HOTEL - NIGHT

               A beautiful dining room with a small dance floor. Charlie 
               sits at an intimate table for two with Harriet. A small band 
               plays in the b.g., as the BAND LEADER is making the toast. 
               The five or six other couples in the restaurant also hold up 
               their glass.

                                     BAND LEADER
                         ...we're honored to be here for this 
                         very special day in...

               The CONCIERGE at this point interrupts to bring Charlie a 
               TELEPHONE. Everyone stops and watches and waits.

                                     CONCIERGE
                         I'm sorry to interrupt, Sir. There's 
                         a phone call for you from town.
                              (Charlie takes phone)
                         They say it's quite urgent.

               The toast, as well as the entire room, stops -- almost like 
               an E.F. Hutton commercial, waiting for Charlie's phone call 
               to finish.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (curious)
                         Hello?

               INT. AIRPORT IN OREGON - EARLY EVENING

               Tony speaks into the phone frantically.

                                     TONY
                         Charlie, you okay?

               INTERCUT PHONE CALL

                                     CHARLIE
                         Great. Couldn't be better.

                                     TONY
                         Charlie, listen to me! It's her! 
                         Harriet is Mrs. X! She killed Ralph 
                         and the two other men!

               Charlie looks up across the table at Harriet who is completely 
               caught up in the event of seeing how long she can keep her 
               hand in the candle before it hurts.

               She puts it in, smiles then takes it out. She shakes her 
               hand, and repeats the process.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (talking softly)
                         Look, that's great -- it just so 
                         happens though, that I met...
                              (louder than he had 
                              hoped)
                         Ralph, and much to my delight, not 
                         only is she alive, but she's female. 
                         I thought I told you.

               Harriet looks at Charlie, very suspiciously. He looks back 
               at her, and tries to smile, pretending that he is having a 
               pleasant, and completely irrelevant conversation.

                                     TONY
                         Rose had a picture. It checked out. 
                         It's her, Charlie. She is the 
                         murderer.

                                     HARRIET
                         Charlie, your food is getting cold.

               Charlie waves "One Minute" to Harriet, as she watches.

                                     CHARLIE
                         So, what do I do?

                                     TONY
                         I called the police. All the roads 
                         are closed, but they're on their 
                         way. In the mean time just...

               The line goes DEAD.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Hello?
                              (pressing receiver)
                         Hello?

                                     HARRIET
                         What's a matter, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                              (to concierge)
                         The phone just went dead. I was on 
                         the phone and it went dead.

                                     CONCIERGE
                         That's quite common, sir. I'm sure 
                         the lines'll be out in the whole 
                         city 'til tomorrow. Enjoy your meal, 
                         Sir.

               The Concierge takes the phone away. Charlie turns slowly to 
               Harriet, genuinely scared.

                                     HARRIET
                         What happened, Charlie?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nothing... Nothing happened. Just 
                         the lines are down. Phone lines.

               Suddenly, the band leader continues with his toast.

                                     BAND LEADER
                              (over microphone)
                         ...so to these two young people, we 
                         wish them a long and happy life 
                         together and would like to play their 
                         song. The Platters -- "Only You".

               The band starts to play "Only You".

               People APPLAUD. Harriet and Charlie just stare at each other. 
               He knows.

               The older couple at the next table, MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN, 
               lean over to their table.

                                     MR. LEVENSTEIN
                         How about the traditional Bride & 
                         Groom dance?

               Another couple walks by and pulls them literally out of the 
               their seats and onto the dance floor.

                                     OTHER COUPLE
                         Come on. It's a tradition.

               Charlie finds himself in the middle of the dance floor dancing 
               slowly with Harriet. He's scared out of his mind. The music 
               plays in the background. Harriet smiles strangely at him. He 
               tries to smile back, checking all the Exits, planning an 
               escape.

               Then suddenly, call it luckily, MR. LEVENSTEIN, interrupts:

                                     MR. LEVENSTEIN
                         Excuse me. Could I cut in on your 
                         dance?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Of course. Sure...

               Charlie gives her hand away to Mr. Levenstein. He takes Mrs. 
               Levenstein's hand and starts to dance towards the EXIT, when 
               suddenly the ELECTRICITY GOES OUT. The MUSIC is out. The 
               LIGHTS ARE OUT.

               In the dimmest of lights provided from the cloud covered 
               moon outside, Charlie runs across the dance floor, fighting 
               for an exit to the outside.

               He arrives in someone's arms on his way.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I need your help! You have to help 
                         me! I've married a...!

               The LIGHTS GO BACK ON and Charlie is in HARRIET'S ARMS again. 
               Her face is near menacing now. She smiles a very disturbed 
               grin. He doesn't know what to say.

                                     HARRIET
                              (much too pleasant)
                         Hello, Charlie.

               Charlie and her are squared off. Neither speak. Suddenly 
               both of them are lifted into the air. They look down and see 
               the waiters and busboys picking them up onto chairs, throwing 
               them up in the air again and again. The MUSIC plays along 
               loudly.

               Harriet watches Charlie very closely, as Charlie looks scared. 
               Then, the people start to carry them out of the room and 
               down the hallway.

                                     WAITER
                         Let's take 'em to their room.

                                     CONCIERGE
                         Yeah, I'm sure they've had enough of 
                         these crowds for one night.

                                     CHARLIE
                         My dinner. I didn't finish my dinner 
                         yet.

                                     HARRIET
                         Smile, Charlie. Act like you're having 
                         a good time.

               INT. OREGON AIRPORT - SAME/NIGHT

               Tony is talking to an attractive young girl behind the airport 
               Rent-A-Car booth.

                                     RENT-A-CAR GIRL
                         I'm sorry, Sir. The roads are all 
                         closed. We can't rent any cars this 
                         evening.

                                     TONY
                         You have to rent me something. I've 
                         gotta get up there. My friend's in 
                         danger...

               INT. CHARLIE & HARRIET'S ROOM - NIGHT

               The other hotel guests threw them inside. The room is all 
               made up, the sheets are pulled down, the firewood is cut, 
               the AXE is in the wood.

                                     CONCIERGE
                         Have a good night, you two.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Come on in. Stay for a nightcap.

                                     BELLBOY
                         No, you two wanna be alone. See you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (demanding)
                         Stay for a nightcap!

                                     BELLBOY
                         Sir, I really don't think I should

                                     CHARLIE
                              (shouting)
                         STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

               The bellboy is frightened and runs away.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (shouting down the 
                              hall after him)
                         STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

               Harriet pulls Charlie back into the room, frightened that 
               he's leaving.

                                     HARRIET
                         Don't go, Charlie.

               EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

               Tony runs out of the airport terminal where he sees a man in 
               his forties who's just entered his four wheel drive jeep.

                                     TONY
                              (flashing his badge)
                         Excuse me, Sir, I'm with the San 
                         Francisco Police Department. I'm on 
                         official business and I'm afraid I 
                         have to commandeer your vehicle.

                                     MAN
                              (unfazed)
                         No.

                                     TONY
                         What do you mean no?!

                                     MAN
                         I happen to know for a fact that you 
                         don't have the power to commandeer 
                         my vehicle.

                                     TONY
                         This is true.
                              (pause)
                         Please can I commandeer your vehicle?

                                     MAN
                         Well, where are you going?

                                     TONY
                         To The Dry Creek Lodge.

                                     MAN
                         I'll give you a lift.

                                     TONY
                         Well, I don't want a lift, I really 
                         want to commandeer the vehicle. Please 
                         just let me commandeer the vehicle.

                                     MAN
                         Why don't you just let me drive you 
                         there? Really, I don't mind, it's on 
                         my way.
                              (pause)

                                     TONY
                         You're not going to bend on the 
                         commandeering thing are you?

                                     MAN
                         No.

                                     TONY
                         Well, if we get stopped will you at 
                         least let me say that I commandeered 
                         the vehicle, but I let you drive?

                                     MAN
                         I'm uncomfortable with that.

                                     TONY
                         Please?

                                     MAN
                         All right.

               INT. CHARLES AND HARRIET'S ROOM

               Charlie & Harriet are all alone. The voices trail off down 
               the hallway until they disappear. Charlie and Harriet stare 
               at each other. Harriet blocks the door. Charlie looks around 
               the room. The Axe. The Corkscrew. The letter opener. The 
               fountain pen. At this point, everything in the room looks 
               like a potential weapon. Harriet takes the axe.

                                     HARRIET
                         I heard you on the phone before, 
                         Charlie. There's something I've got 
                         to tell you.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (frightened)
                         Harriet, I...

                                     HARRIET
                         I've been married before.

                                     CHARLIE
                         I already know.

                                     HARRIET
                         About my husbands?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Yes. And I was meaning to have a 
                         word with you. We could get an 
                         annulment.

                                     HARRIET
                              (screams)
                         AAAhhhhhhh!

               Suddenly the power goes off again. They're both in the dark. 
               A scuffle. Charlie has restrained Harriet, throws her in a 
               walk-in closet and locks it. From behind the door, we hear 
               Harriet WAILING. Which continues.

               Charlie picks up the axe, looks at it, relieved at his lucky 
               escape. He rushes to the door to escape. He opens it and 
               standing there is Rose.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Aaaaah, Rose, I never thought I'd be 
                         so glad to see you.

               Rose smiles. Charlie puts down the axe. The lights flicker 
               back on.

                                     CHARLIE
                              (going to the phone)
                         Maybe the phones are working again 
                         by now.

               He listens for a dial tone. Beside the phone he sees a note. 
               He starts to read is:

                                     CHARLIE
                         'Dear, Harriet. I just can't handle 
                         the commitment. I'm leaving you.' 
                         Signed, 'Charlie.'

               And behind him Rose approaches with the axe raised.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What the hell is this? I didn't write 
                         this?

               And at that moment he turns to find the AXE BEING FLUNG 
               THROUGH THE AIR AT his head. He ducks just in time.

                                     CHARLIE
                         What the fuck?!

               She takes another swing and she hits the lamp off the desk 
               and the room is in complete DARKNESS.

                                     ROSE
                         Charlie. Why did you marry Harriet? 
                         I warned you not to marry her, didn't 
                         I? I warned all of them. But none of 
                         them listened to me. They all went 
                         ahead and married her. She's the 
                         pretty one. Where's Harriet? What 
                         have you done with my sister, Harriet?

                                     CHARLIE
                         Nothing, Rose.

                                     ROSE
                         If you've done something to my sister, 
                         Harriet, I swear to God I'll kill 
                         you.

               We stay in Charlie's hip pocket as he tries to get away from 
               what he can't see. He stays very silent.

                                     HARRIET
                              (from the closet)
                         Where are you, Charlie? What's going 
                         on?

               Then Rose strikes a match. She lights a candle and comes 
               toward him. He looks around. The window is open. And Charlie 
               is gone.

               INT. COMMANDEERED CAR - NIGHT

               Tony and the commandeered man drive through the swampy, 
               winding road on the way up to the hotel. Tony is drumming on 
               the dash.

                                     MAN
                         Could you stop doing that please?

               EXT. CASTLE-LIKE ROUND TOWER/LEDGE OF TOWER - NIGHT

               Charlie tightropes along the ledge of the building. The storm 
               continues. Rose comes out on the ledge and starts to chase 
               him. He rounds the bend. Charlie looks into one room and 
               sees MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN there. There's loud OPERA MUSIC 
               playing in the room

                                     CHARLIE
                         Call the police!

               INT. THE LEVENSTEIN'S ROOM - NIGHT SAME

               The Levensteins prepare for bed. Charlie races by their 
               window. Then Rose races by.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Call the police!

               Mr. Levenstein closes the curtains. He can't hear.

               EXT. LEDGE - NIGHT

               Charlie races along the slippery ledge, almost falling at 
               several points. Rose then appears on the roof holding the 
               Axe, still.

                                     ROSE
                              (mostly to herself; 
                              slurring most words)
                         Charlie, did you like your note? I 
                         thought it was pretty accurate. I 
                         did all the husbands' notes. I can 
                         forge anyone's handwriting, I can 
                         write in anyone's style. See, I'm an 
                         artist. Harriet isn't an artist. 
                         Sure she could get a husband, but 
                         she could never have done this. And 
                         you know what I'm most proud of?

                                     CHARLIE
                         What's that, Rose?

                                     ROSE
                         Harriet never knew. She thought they 
                         all just left her. I protected her. 
                         She's my sister.

               Charlie turns and runs. Rose chases him.

               INT. BEDROOM

               Tony breaks into the room with his gun drawn.

                                     TONY
                              (shouting)
                         Charlie!

                                     HARRIET
                              (from closet)
                         Tony, is that you? It's me, Harriet. 
                         I'm in here.

               Carefully, Tony opens the closet door.

                                     HARRIET
                         Tony, Rose is trying to kill Charlie. 
                         They're out on the ledge.

                                     TONY
                              (not believing)
                         Get on the floor and put your hands 
                         behind your back.

               Harriet willingly goes on the floor.

                                     HARRIET
                         Sure, anything. You've got to save 
                         Charlie.

               Tony slaps cuffs on her and takes her to the window.

               INT. BEDROOM

               Tony is standing with his back to the window, between it and 
               Harriet. She looks out of the window and screams.

                                     HARRIET
                         Look! It's Charlie!

               From Harriet's POV we see Charlie on the ledge edging along. 
               He stops in horror when he sees Harriet, glances back to the 
               pursuing Rose, and rushes off.

               Tony looks behind him out the window. Nobody is there.

                                     TONY
                         Nice try.

                                     HARRIET
                         I swear to you... It was Charlie... 
                         Look! Now there's Rose!

               Rose looks into the room, with the axe in her hand.

                                     TONY
                         No you don't.

                                     HARRIET
                         I beg you... Look! It is Rose.

                                     TONY
                         Oh no, not again.
                              (he glances at the 
                              window)
                         Aaaaah! Rose.

               INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW

               There is opera music playing. Charlie rushes by, past the 
               window. There is a beat and he comes back, staring inside in 
               amazement.

               REVERSE ANGLE

               Mr. Levenstein is in a Viking outfit. Mrs. Levenstein is in 
               full Norse Regalia.

               INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW

               Charlie gulps and rushes on, hastily pursued by Rose.

               INT. THE ROOF

               Rose pulls the Axe back and swings, and the momentum of the 
               swing pulls her feet out from under her, and on the slippery 
               icy roof she falls and starts to slide.

               Just as she's about to go off the fifty foot high roof, 
               Charlie climbs down the roof. He stands over her. She's about 
               to slip. Her hands are losing strength. Her fingers are 
               slipping. The rain is falling harder and harder.

               Charlie walks over to the cage where she's hanging on for 
               life.

               He leans down to help her up, but just as he grabs on to her 
               hand, the drainpipe she's holding onto slips.

               She is now dangling from the roof, the rain falling harder 
               and harder. Charlie now is nowhere near her. He then gets 
               down on his knees on the roof and starts to climb down the 
               side of the drainpipe to get her.

               Rose looks up helplessly at him. Not really asking for his 
               help. Not denying it. She's accepted her fate.

               Policemen, ambulances and spectators have gathered below in 
               bunches as Charlie climbs down the drainpipe, he himself 
               hanging on for dear life.

               He just reaches out far enough to grab her hand, and just as 
               he does, her drainpipe tears and falls into the crowd below. 
               Charlie, then with all his strength -- his "where has this 
               strength been my whole life" strength -- pulls her up to the 
               roof next to him.

               Several policemen make their way onto the roof and come over 
               to where Charlie is detaining Rose. The police take her, 
               handcuff her and cart her away. From the corner of the roof 
               appears Tony.

                                     TONY
                         I hate to bother you on your 
                         honeymoon, Charlie, but...

               Charlie looks beyond Tony and sees Harriet standing in the 
               doorway. He goes over and puts his arm around Harriet.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Thank God. I'm sorry I doubted you, 
                         but I thought you were the killer, 
                         but you were acting pretty strange?

                                     HARRIET
                         I thought you were going to leave 
                         me, like the others. Thank God they 
                         were just murdered. I thought they 
                         were always leaving me.

               Below, Rose is put into a police car and taken off. The SIRENS 
               disappear. So do the crowds.

                                                             DISSOLVE INTO:

               THE SOUND OF A CROWD IN A CLUB:

               INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE

               Charlie is on stage looking very beatnik. He's reading his 
               poetry, but we can't hear it. He nods to someone off stage. 
               Harriet is in the audience, also looking very beatnik with 
               their three year old son, STUART, a miniature beatnik version 
               of Charlie.

                                     CHARLIE (V.O.)
                         My dad was right. You don't lose 
                         your muse once you're married. Nothing 
                         changed, except I gained a great 
                         son, Stuart.

               SOUND UP on Charlie's poetry.

                                     CHARLIE
                         MARRIED MAN
                         MOST MERRY
                         AND IN CONCLUSION

                                     CROWD AND CHARLIE
                         THIS POEM SUCKS.

               The crowd goes crazy.

                                     CHARLIE
                         Thank you very much.

               HOUSE MUSIC kicks on. It's Saturday Night by the Bay City 
               Rollers.

                                     BAY CITY ROLLERS
                         S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT

               Charlie comes off stage and joins his wife and child at their 
               table. He is very happy.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         THE END