Actor Point >> Movie Scripts >> Sugar and Spice Film Script

Sugar And Spice Movie Script

Writer(s) : Mandy Nelson

Genres : Comedy

Search IMDb : Sugar And Spice


                                                     ON BLACK:

  A large metal door SLAMS SHUT.

                      OFFICER (O.S.)
            Single file - stay to the right of the
            line...

  FADE IN:

  INT. POLICE STATION - WITNESS VIEWING ROOM - DAY

  PAN ACROSS the frightened faces of NINE WITNESSES, eyes fixed
  straight ahead.  A POLICE OFFICER walks slowly past each -
  FOOTSTEPS ECHOING in their fear.

                      OFFICER
            Take your time.  Take a good look.

  He passes a nervous SAFEWAY CASHIER in uniform.

                      SAFEWAY CASHIER
            Ah, a-are you sure they can't see us?

                      OFFICER
            Two-way mirror, ma'am.

  He passes a UNIFORMED CHEERLEADER, an OLDER WOMAN, then a
  FACTORY WORKER, who removes his "Lincoln, Local 186" cap and
  wipes his nervous brow.

                      FACTORY WORKER
            But they're trained killers.  A guy at
            the plant says, "In 'Nam they could
            smell ya!"

                      OFFICER
            This is the United States of America,
            Sir.

  Officer reaches the end of the line - presses an intercom.

                      OFFICER (CONT'D)
                (into intercom)
            Face front.

  Witnesses react - GASP - avert their eyes!

  INT. POLICE STATION - LINE UP - DAY

  The source of their fear - FIVE UNIFORMED CHEERLEADERS
  against the suspect wall.  They look like deer caught in
  headlights. 
  A sixth cheerleader, DIAN WESTON, is helped up the steps. 
  One thing separates her from the rest - SHE'S SIX MONTHS
  PREGNANT.

                      DIANE
                (friendly, to female officer)
            I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but is
            this going to take long?  It's game
            night.

                      OFFICER
                (on intercom)
            Picture in three --

  Like saying "walk" to a dog, the girls instantly smile.

                      OFFICER (CONT'D)
                (on intercom)
            -- two, one...

  INT. POLICE STATION - LINE UP - DAY

  FLASH WHITE to INDIVIDUAL MUG SHOTS (with CREDITS) over
  LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL SONG.

                                     MATCH DISSOLVE WHITE INTO:

  A LIGHT hanging above a table.

                      FBI AGENT (O.S.)
            ...a heinous crime has been committed
            here...

  CAMERA CRANES DOWN TO:

  INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

  CAMERA TRACKS EYE LEVEL around the table where an FBI AGENT
  (mid-40's, black suit), sits across from LISA JANUSCH
  (cheerleader from the witness side) - pretty, in a man-made
  way - bitchy in a B-squad Cheerleader way.  Other black
  suited AGENTS stand in the room.  CHEERLEADER MUG SHOTS cover
  the table.

                      FBI AGENT
            ...and testifying in such a case is a
            serious matter.  Should you decide your
            testimony would jeopardize your personal
            safety.

                      LISA
            Look, "Sipowitz", I said I'd tell you
            everything - I was just hoping to finish
            up before menopause kicks in.

  She smiles sweetly to the agent, then pushes Diane's MUG SHOT
  toward him.

                      LISA (CONT'D)
                (dropping smile)
            Let's start with the one who thinks her
            shit don't stink.  Diane Weston.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. DIANE'S BATHROOM - MORNING

  CLOSE ON

  Foggy, heart-shaped mirror.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            She's like a goddamn poster child for
            high school.

  A HAND ENTERS FRAME and WIPES CLEAR the mirror, REVEALING
  DIANE (pregnant cheerleader in opening - not pregnant now).

                      DIANE
                (to self in mirror)
            Morning, sunshine.  Remember, these are
            the best days of your life.

  She starts to leave - then comes back.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            -- so far!

  She bucks her chin in the mirror and smiles - she's beyond
  adorable.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            If I wasn't such a lady, I'd tell you
            what a bitch she really is.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

  Sign reads "CHEERLEADING TRYOUTS."  PAN DOWN a long line of
  HOPEFUL GIRLS.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            She's the A-squad captain - stole the
            title from me.  You should charge her
            with that...

  END ON 

  Diane, pompoms on hips, smiles toward the camera.  A SIGN on
  the floor in front of her reads: "SQUAD MEMBER."  A SIGN to
  her left reads: "CHALLENGER".

  BRUCE, an effeminate young man, bounds up behind the
  "CHALLENGER" sign - putting his pompoms on hips.

                      DIANE
            Hey, Bruce!  You look cute...

                      BRUCE
                (off clothes)
            Tommy Hilfiger.  I'm hoping fourth
            year's a charm.

  He crosses his fingers and arms.  Diane smiles.  LISA runs in
  frame and SHOVES Bruce to the ground.

                      LISA
            Outta my way, fag.  I'm up.

  Humiliated, Bruce RUNS O.S.  Lisa takes his place, looks
  straight ahead and smiles, pompoms on hips.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            This really should have been my year.  I
            had a lotta work done - I-I mean,
            y'know, I'd done a lotta work over the
            summer.

  Diane can't take her eyes off Lisa.

                      DIANE
            Lisa?...  Is-is that you?

  LISA'S STUDENT I.D. drops INTO FRAME - her nose is big, she
  has no chin.  

                      LISA
                (looks straight ahead)
            I lost a little weight.

  I.D. LEAVES FRAME

                      LISA (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            You could tell it made her nervous.

  Diane shakes her head in disbelief and turns forward.

                      DIANE/LISA
            Ready?
                (pompoms snap to waist)
            Okay!

  POMPOMS SNAP TO THIGHS and the CHEER BEGINS.  

  Diane is effortless as she glides, jumps and smiles through
  it - clearly better than Lisa.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            But they have to, y'know, spread the
            talent around, so I've been on the B
            squad for four years.

                                                       CUT TO:

  INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

  Lisa pushes the rest of the mug shots toward the FBI agent.

                      LISA
            Now, the squad as a whole?  They're
            closer than Carolina cousins.  Some
            people say they're, like, lezbos or
            something.  But that's mostly just the
            yag-offs in band...

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - DAY

  FIVE PAIR of LEGS with MATCHING ANKLETS and WHITE KEDS dangle
  from the stalls.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            ...truth is, they're so close - they all
            get their monthly visit from "Aunt Rose"
            at the same time.

  A HAND REACHES UNDER the first stall, PASSING A BOX OF
  TAMPONS to the next stall - and so on down the line.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            First, there's Hannah Wold...

  FIRST STALL DOOR

  HANNAH WOLD, a large, pretty girl in uniform, exits and
  crosses to the mirror.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            She's their base.  Strong as an ox. 
            She's like this Uber-Christian - doesn't
            say much.  I mean, if she wasn't kinda
            pretty, you'd go, "Hey, who's the tard?"

  NEXT STALL DOOR

  CLEO MILLE, pretty, starlet-type, wears plenty of make-up. 
  She lifts the front of her uniform sweater, holds it with her
  teeth.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Then, there's Cleo Miller...

  She opens her purse, pulls out a gel breast and stuffs it in
  one cup of her bra.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Number one - not a natural blonde.

  She REPEATS for the other breast, then pulls her sweater
  down.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            I know.  I've been in the locker room
            and seen south of the border.  Number
            two --
                (whispers)
            She has to see the school shrink.

  Cleo lifts the back of her skirt - REVEALING CONAN O'BRIEN'S
  face SILKSCREENED on her underpants (thought bubble above his
  head reads "Friday... I love Cleo.").  She KISSES HER HAND
  and plants it on his/her cheek.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

  Cleo sits in front of the SCHOOL COUNSELOR.

                      CLEO
            Dreams?  You mean, like, where I'm in
            Conan's all leather apartment - I don't
            know if he has one, that's why it's a
            dream - and suddenly we're buck-naked
            and all oiled up.  I don't know where
            the oil comes from - again, that's why
            it's a dream.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

  Next STALL DOOR SHAKES, but DOESN'T OPEN.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Cleo's weird, but Kansas Hill - that
            girl's crazy.

  HANDS APPEAR on top of the stall door - and KANSAS HILL,
  petite, cute in a trashy, monster-truck-pull, kinda way -
  CRAWLS UNDER.

                      KANSAS
            Son-of-a-blue-balled-bitch!  I always
            get this one.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Mouth on her that could stop a bull in
            heat.  Gets her nut-brain from her mom. 
            See, Mrs. Hill's been in prison since
            the day Kansas was born...

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - 1983 - NIGHT

  MRS. HILL'S blurry POV - from her hospital bed.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            She was lying there, in labor with
            Kansas, when she sees something going on
            in the next bed.

  Mrs. Hill's POV PANS LEFT - NEXT BED comes into focus.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Turns out it's Kansas' dad, uh, taking a
            nurse's temp.  Stay with me, I'm trying
            to be delicate.

  FOCUS CLEARS

  In silhouette, a MAN is FUCKING a NURSE.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            So, Mrs. Hill whips out a shotgun and
            blows his ass to kingdom come.

  We see this - still in MRS. HILL'S POV.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Jury said, because the majority of women
            in Lincoln County having babies don't
            bring a shotgun, it counted as
            premeditation.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

                      LISA (V.O.)
            She got life without parole, so Kansas
            lives with her grandparents.

  The next stall door opens and LUCY - cute, smart, very tidy -
  EXITS, suddenly stopping to look down.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Then there's Lucy...

  She takes out a WHITE-OUT BOTTLE and touches a spot on her
  already white Keds... stands... looks... then touches a spot
  on the other shoe...

                      LISA (CONT'D) (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Geek extraordinaire - a walking left
            brain.  She's supposed to have this
            genius I.Q.?

  She then starts an obsessional frenzy of "whiting out" spots
  all over her Keds.  DIANE exits the final stall and takes
  away Lucy's white-out.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Truth is, she's an obsessive-compulsive
            little freak.

                      DIANE/LISA
            Hands in, ladies.

  Squad joins Diane in a circle, putting their hands over her
  hand - a la Madonna, backstage.

                      DIANE
            Today, we're going to cheer loud, jump
            high, and look pretty because --

                      DIANE/SQUAD
            CHEER-LEADERS-KICK --

  IN ONE BEAT, ALL SWING RIGHT ARMS OVER HEAD, landing with a
  SMACK on the "ASS" of the girl to their right.

                      DIANE
            Now let's get going - because nobody
            ever got ahead by sitting on their
            behind!

  As all run out, we:

 INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

  PRINCIPAL SMITH, a man who burned out long ago, stands behind
  a microphone on a small stage as he's done for 45 years. 
  The LINCOLN HIGH "FIGHTIN' LOG" MASCOT (looks like an angry
  Tootsie Roll with legs and overly muscular arms) stands
  beside him, pantomiming everything he says.  STUDENTS fill
  bleachers on either side.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            The school year started off like normal. 
            Principal Smith gave his pep talk --

                      PRINCIPAL SMITH
                (reading from a list)
            ... and if you are approached to buy
            drugs, let someone you trust know.  If
            you are thinking of harming yourself or
            others, let someone know.  If it burns
            when you urinate, have milky seepage or
            are being touched by an uncle - let
            someone know...

  Mascot looks at him, tries to pantomime.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            The A-squad performed...

  GYM LIGHTS GO DARK.  STUDENTS SCREAM.  DRUM CORP. and BRASS
  BAND start "ROCK & ROLL PART II" by Gary Glitter.

  The SPOTLIGHT RACES around the gym before it hits center
  court.  The A-squad springs to their feet for an amazing
  cheer/dance - strong, sexy, acrobatic, non-traditional.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Now, I know it's my duty to give you all
            the facts, so I have to say that their
            cheer blew like a bulimic after
            Christmas dinner.  Their blatant
            disregard for National High School
            Cheerleading Association rules made me
            sick.  "Basket toss flips and wolf wall
            pyramids over two people high are
            strictly prohibited."  I made a complete
            report and sent it in.

  JACK'S POV

  Outside the gym doors.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            And finally, the football team was
            introduced.

                      PRINCIPAL SMITH (O.S.)
            Transferring from Truman High, the new
            star quarter back of our mighty Fightin'
            Logs!

  THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!

                      LISA (V.O.)
            That's when Jack and Diane met.  Nobody
            saw it coming...

  CAMERA TURNS, PLAYERS head-butt and high-five CAMERA/Jack as
  he starts through the door - looking around gym.  SLOW MOTION
  FREEZE-FRAME as the SPOTLIGHT HITS CAMERA/Jack.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Especially not Jack...

  SOUND DISTORTS.  It's LOUD and CONFUSING.  THROUGH IT, we see
  the A-squad running and doing back flips toward CAMERA/Jack.

  As the squad nears CAMERA/Jack, SUDDENLY Diane's Ked-clad
  foot comes INTO FRAME and SMASHES INTO CAMERA/Jack.

  DIP TO BLACK

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            He fell for her hard.

  IRIS OPEN.  DIANE hovers over CAMERA/Jack, apologizing,
  looking angelic.  A-squad surrounds her.  Suddenly a frantic
  mascot breaks through, tips his log head back - IT'S BRUCE
  (from try-outs) - mouthing "NOOOOOO!"  He pulls CAMERA/Jack
  UP.

  ANGLE ON

  Mascot/Bruce as he drags his prize quarterback out of the
  gym.  Jack and Diane's eyes never separate.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Jack was fine - oh man, was he fine.  It
            was like he was a bar of chocolate and
            the whole school was on the rag -
            everyone wanted a piece of him...

  CLOSE ON

  Diane's mouth.

                      DIANE
            Jack Bartlett... Jack Bart-lett... Jack
            Bar-t-lett.

  She continues as we PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:

  INT. DIANE'S BATHROOM - THAT NIGHT

  It's an early 80's dream.  The squad sits on their sleeping
  bags, in a circle, on the floor.  They're painting nails,
  giving henna tattoos, streaking hair, etc.  Hannah has a
  OUIJA BOARD in front of her, hands resting on the "MESSAGE
  INDICATOR."  Diane has her eyes closed.

                      DIANE
            ... Ja-ck B-ar-t-le-tt... Is Jack
            Bartlett interested in me?

                      HANNAH
                (nervous)
            I-I'm sorry - can someone else please
            run the Ouija board?  It's creepy, it's
            wrong and it goes against the teachings
            of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

                      KANSAS
            Hannah, in order to get real answers
            from the netherworld, you've gotta have
            a Christian virgin run the board.  Your
            kind is pure of heart - the devil won't
            dick with you.

                      HANNAH
                (looking down)
            Well technically, I don't think I'm a
            virgin anymore.

  Squad REACTS!

                      HANNAH (CONT'D)
            Yeah.  This summer at church camp?  I'm
            pretty sure I had, y'know, an orgasm.

                      KANSAS
            Hold up, hold up.  Any sentence that
            starts with "at church camp" ain't
            leading to the big "O."

                      CLEO
            That's not true.  Those pictures of
            Christ - all sweaty and bare-chested on
            the cross - always kinda made me hot.

  Squad just stares at her.

                      KANSAS
            Anyway, last time I checked, you still
            had to have sex to have an orgasm.  And
            I know she ain't seen the lord on all
            fours - so I'm just saying.

                      DIANE
            Well, I want to know what happened --

                      HANNAH
            Okay, one night, around sunset, I went
            horseback riding with the nuns.  They
            went every night.  And, well, we're
            trotting pretty hard, y'know?  The hard
            leather saddle, pounding between my
            legs...

                      CLEO
            I just got a little squishy...

                      HANNAH
            All of a sudden, I feel... I feel... I
            feel just super alive...
                (whispering)
            "down there."  I swear I thought it was
            the second coming.

                      KANSAS
            Nope.  Sounds more like the first.

                      DIANE
                (taking the hand-piece)
            I'll just ask the question myself... "Is
            Jack Bartlett interested in me?"

  As the hand-piece starts to move on the board, we:

  INT. JACK'S SPLIT-LEVEL - GARAGE - MORNING

  Jack (with a red Ked print on his cheek) stands with THREE
  FOOTBALL PLAYERS looking under the hood of his '75 GTO. 
  They've all got one hand in back pocket, the other wrapped
  around a beer.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
            You do the bondo yourself?

                      JACK
            Yeah.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
            Sure-is-sweet.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
            What'll she do?

                      JACK
            Never opened her up.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
            S-weet.

                      JACK
            Who was the girl who kicked me in the
            head yesterday?

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
            Diane Weston.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
            Now she sure is sweet.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY

  SIGN hangs above the stage.  "HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN
  CANDIDATES."  A row of STUDENT CANDIDATES, including Jack,
  Diane and Lisa, sit behind a BUTCH GIRL at the podium.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Look, I'll be honest with you.  Most of
            us realized we didn't have a whore's
            chance in heaven with Jack the day of
            candidate speeches.

  As the Butch Girl concludes her speech, she holds a sign over
  her head which reads, "4-H - A WAY OF LIFE!"

  INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATER

  A GEEKY GUY stands at the podium.

                      GEEKY GUY
            As the A.V. Club candidate, I think, for
            the first time in fifty years, we should
            say --
                (nervous)
            NO to a football player as king!

  Two HIGH-PITCHED MALE VOICES cheer O.S.

                      GEEKY GUY (CONT'D)
            Vote brains over braun!

  A FOOTBALL flies INTO FRAME, hitting Geeky Guy on the
  FOREHEAD.

  INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATER

  Jack stands at the podium, unable to speak because the CROWD
  IS CHEERING!  He's handsome as hell, sweet and genuine.  You
  can't help but love him and you really want to fuck him.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            It was the first time most of us even
            heard Jack speak.

                      JACK
            Whoa...Thanks, uh - WOW.  Uh, hey,
            alright...okay, uh --

                      LISA (V.O.)
            We weren't disappointed.

                      JACK
            Guys!  Hey, guys!  Shut up a minute.

  The crowd QUIETS down.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            Well, uh, I think it just really rocks
            that the football team picked me as
            their, y'know, uh, candidate.

  FOOTBALL PLAYERS AD-LIB "Yeah!  Whoa  Kick ass!"

                      FEMALE VOICES
            We love you, Jack!

                      JACK
            Hey, well, I love you lunch ladies!

  Audience LAUGHS.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            I just want to say that there are only
            three things I want in life - to someday
            become a senator of this great state...

  Audience CHEERS.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            I want to lead the Lincoln High Fightin'
            Logs to victory at the homecoming game --

  Audience CHEERS!

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            Okay, okay... Uh, and I... I want to go
            to the homecoming dance with Diane
            Weston.

  STUNNED SILENCE.  Diane stares at him.  Lisa looks pissed. 
  The school SUDDENLY ERUPTS with CHEERS!  Jack turns to Diane.
  She runs up to the podium.  They hug and kiss.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Ucht!  They were like friggin' Barbie
            and Ken, but without the pink, remote
            control Corvette.  Overnight people were
            going, like --

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. SCHOOL - DAY

  Average GIRL faces CAMERA - MOUTHING:

                      LISA (V.O.)
            "Oh, they're the perfect couple!"

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. SCHOOL - DAY

  ANOTHER average GIRL faces CAMERA - MOUTHING:

                      LISA (V.O.)
            "They're so cuuuuuuuuute!"

  INT. GEEKY GUY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

  Geeky Guy sits alone, typing frantically at his computer,
  stopping occasionally to push up his glasses.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            I'm sure it gave the internet whacks
            something to talk about besides Agent
            Scully and their most recent wet dream.

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY

  Jack and Diane are still in a love-lock.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Now, I'm not one to gossip, but I think
            Jack and Diane got so close so fast
            because they discovered how much they
            both loved...

  MUSIC UP:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH HALL - CLOSET - DAY

  QUICK TWO-SECOND CUTS

  CLOSE ON

  Janitorial Closet Door.  An excited Diane and Jack meet in
  front of it, kiss and roll into the closet.

  INT. WRESTLING GYM - DAY

  A CLIMBING ROPE hangs in the middle of the shot.  Suddenly a
  disheveled Jack slides down.  A beat later, Diane follows. 
  They kiss and part ways - dropping hands at the last minute.

  INT. SCHOOL HALL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

  CLOSE ON

  Door.  Red-faced Jack and Diane peek out, look to see they're
  alone, kiss good-bye, then head off in opposite directions. 
  DOOR CLOSES to reveal a sign "Principal Smith."

  EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

  It's COLD and LOUD.  Starting on his own 10 YARD LINE, Jack
  takes the hike, looks left, right - pumps once - twice -
  NOTHING.  He bursts through the line, dodging - weaving -
  leaping over his opponents.

  ON THE CLOCK

  15 seconds...

  ON THE A-SQUAD

  holding their breath, pompons at the ready.  Mascot runs past
  them, pantomiming "nervous" to the crowd by biting his nails
  and knocking his knees.

  ON JACK

  as he reaches the line of scrimmage.  There's ONE DEFENDER
  LEFT.  Jack fakes left, right - takes the tackle - but
  manages to roll out of it!  HE-COULD-GO-ALL-THE...

  ON THE CROWD

  They're going wild!

  ON THE A-SQUAD

  running along the sideline - Diane leading the way!

  ON JACK

  he looks right - sees Diane and mouths "I love you!"

  JACK'S POV

  Diane mouths "I love you!"

  DIANE'S POV

  Jack makes the touchdown, spikes the ball, and starts a slow
  run toward us - arms outstretched.  WE run toward him in SLOW
  MOTION.  SUDDENLY a WALL OF PLAYERS enter frame and tackles
  him in celebration.

  END MUSIC.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Now, right about here's where the real
            shit started to hit the fan... Don't
            worry - I'll clean this up a bit if I
            have to appear in court -- especially if
            we're on "Court TV."
					  
 INT. DIANE'S SPLIT-LEVEL - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

  SFX: DOORBELL

  DENNIS WESTON (Diane's Dad) opens the door while DEEDEE
  (Diane's Mom) FLASHES a PHOTO of a surprised Jack and his
  parents.

                      DEEDEE
            Well, there's a Christmas card.

                      DENNIS
            Come in, come in...

  All enter the FOYER.  Jack looks gorgeous in his tux.  His
  parents are just like Diane's - mid-40's housewife and middle
  management drone.  Their children are their lives.

                      DENNIS (CONT'D)
            Say Jack, why don't you go light a fire
            under Diane.

                      JACK
            I'm on it, Mr. Weston.

  Jack smiles and bounds up the stairs - two at a time.

                      DEEDEE
            Oh - say, where're my manners.  I'm
            DeeDee - you can remember me because of
            my double "D's."

  She LAUGHS with Dennis as if it's the first time she's said
  it.  We see where Diane gets her perk - and her body.

                      DENNIS
            And I'm Diane's Dad, Dennis.  Do not try
            that after one of my Screwdrivers!

  Dennis and DeeDee LAUGH again.

                      DEEDEE
                (recovering)
            Whoooo - now who wants some pigs-in-a
            blanket?

  INT. SPLIT-LEVEL - DIANE'S BEDROOM - LATER

  ANGLE ON

  Vanity mirror.  Diane is putting on lip gloss - she looks
  beautiful in her gown.  We see JACK ENTER in the b.g.  She
  turns.  He reacts to her beauty.

                      DIANE
            Hi, Jack.

                      JACK
            Excuse me, Vendela, have you seen Diane? 
            We're supposed to go to the homecoming
            dance tonight.

  Diane LAUGHS.  They move in for a hormonally driven kiss.

  INT. SPLIT-LEVEL - LIVING ROOM - LATER

  All are seated.  The women are enjoying pigs-in-a-blanket
  while the men suck back screwdrivers.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            I obviously wasn't there the night they
            all met, but it was probably a super
            goober fest.

  DeeDee enthusiastically MOUTHS the following:

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                (mocking DeeDee's voice)
            "Your Jack's one heck of a good football
            player."

  Jack's Dad MOUTHS the following:

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                (mocking Jack's Dad's voice)
            "I don't know how he can concentrate
            with your lovely Diane cheering on the
            sidelines?!"

  They all LAUGH.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            "Ha, ha, ha, ha..." Ucht!

  Jack and Diane enter the holding hands.  DeeDee goes crazy
  FLASHING PHOTOS.  All AD-LIB adoration.

                      JACK
            Hold on a minute.  Hold on.  I have an
            announcement.

  Jack puts his arm around Diane - they're beaming.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            Me and Diane, uh... we decided we're
            going to get married.

  The parents react with shock, then absolute joy!  DeeDee
  starts to cry - turning the CAMERA on HERSELF.

                      DEEDEE
            Oh, oh, mother of the bride - I'm
            allowed!

                      DIANE
            But not before... I have our baby.

  All FREEZE - the calm before the shit storm.  Suddenly,
  Jack's Mom throws her head back and lets out a BLOOD CURDLING 
  SCREAM.

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  JACK AND DIANE'S STUNNED FACES

  PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:

  INT. JACK'S GTO - MINUTES LATER

                      DIANE
            ... so when your dad said, "I never want
            to see your "f-'in' faces again!" do you
            think he meant forever or just until
            your mom wakes up?

                      JACK
            I don't know... And what the hell was
            that sound she made right before she hit
            the coffee table.

                      DIANE
            Well, if I had to guess...
                (convincing self)
            I'd say that was the sound of a mother
            saying good-bye to her little boy and
            hello to a young man who's going to be a
            daddy of his own...
                (getting an idea, cradling his
                 face)
            Jack, do you know what I see here?

                      JACK
            Spit from your dad?

                      DIANE
                (wiping his hair)
            I see a flower.  And y'know, even the
            most beautiful flowers still grow from
            dirt.

                      JACK
            Yeah.

                      DIANE
            So, while we're knee deep in right now -
            and things seem pretty "stinky" - in the
            long run, we're going to grow strong
            from this.

                      JACK
            Y'think?

                      DIANE
            I sure do.

  BEAT.

                      JACK
                (trust and love in his eyes)
            Diane, I've loved you ever since I first
            saw you -- right before you kicked me in
            the head.

                      DIANE
                (touched)
            Oh, Jack...

  As they move in for a kiss, we:

                                                      WIPE TO:

  A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING UP THROUGH FRAME.  LOUD MUSIC UP.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - LATER

  Jack and Diane are on stage, wearing crowns and large velvet
  robes - they turn and wave!  They won!  They appear to be
  floating on a sea of balloons.

                                                      WIPE TO:

  A SEA OF BALLOONS FLOATING DOWN THROUGH FRAME.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT

  FIVE PAIR of LEGS with HIGH HEELS dangle from the STALLS. 
  (We've seen this shot before.)  MUSIC from the dance presses
  through the walls.  A HAND REACHES UNDER the first stall,
  PASSING A BOX OF TAMPONS to the next stall.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Diane must've told her squad that night.

  BOX OF TAMPONS CONTINUES down the line - UNTIL THE LAST
  STALL.  Diane's hand comes down and pushes the TAMPONS BACK.

                      DIANE
                (in last stall)
            No thanks - don't need one.

  FIRST STALL DOOR FILES OPEN, followed by the SECOND, THIRD -
  it sticks, Kansas climbs over - and FOURTH!  (Cleo exits
  fixing her gel breast.)  The squad surrounds Diane's stall
  door.  She finally exits.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
                (looking at everyone a beat)
            So...

  Stunned silence.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            I'm sure they were thrilled.  I mean, if
            Diane said jump, they'd say "Double
            Dutch," "Shoot the Moon," or "Split
            Russian?"

  Suddenly, everyone starts talking at once.

                      CLEO
            Holy shit.

                      LUCY
            You just became a statistic!

                      KANSAS
                (suddenly happy)
            Oh my G-d!  I'm not first!

                      HANNAH
            But you're not married.

                      CLEO
            Wait!  Did you say you are pregnant or
            you were pregnant... You had it, threw
            it out and you're gonna go back and
            dance all night!

                      KANSAS
            Shut up, Cleo.  Di, how much do you need
            for an abortion?

                      HANNAH
                (suddenly freaked)
            What?!  No!  Not an abortion!  My church
            can arrange for you to go to Oregon and
            take care of a "sick aunt" for nine
            months.  Then they put your baby good
            home and you come back - a little dazed
            and puffy - but everything's fine!  Oh
            please, Di, don't be a whore and a
            murderer!

  All FREEZE - no one can believe she just said that.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Jack told the team that night, too.

                                                       CUT TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GUYS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT

  Jack and a bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS in tuxes stand at the
  urinals, BACKS TO CAMERA.

                      JACK
            Hey, guys?  Uh, I got Diane pregnant.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #1
            What?!  Well - all right!

  He HIGH-FIVES Jack with his free hand.

                      FOOTBALL PLAYER #2
            You nailed Diane Weston?  I'd never wash
            my Johnson again!

  He HIGH-FIVES Jack on the other side with his free hand as
  the OTHER FOOTBALL PLAYERS also HIGH-FIVE each other.  They
  all freak out when they realize they are touching each other
  while PEEING.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GIRLS' BATHROOM - HOMECOMING NIGHT

  All still stare at Hannah

                      HANNAH
            I-I didn't mean to say "whore," Diane. 
            I just hear it so much at church - it
            kinda came flying out of my head.

                      DIANE
            I know, Hannah.  Look, I'm not going to
            get an abortion.  I mean, I always
            planned to get married and have kids -
            I'm just going a little out of order. 
            Kinda reminds me of another young lady
            who found herself "with child,"
            unmarried, on a long road, with no place
            to sleep.  'Course, that was a long-long
            time ago.  But no matter what, she held
            her head high and said... "Pappa don't
            preach, I'm in trouble deep.  Pappa
            don't preach, 'cause I'm keepin' my
            baby.  Hey.  I'm gonna keep my baby." 
            The great one...

  All take hands and lower their heads.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
                (with reverence)
            Madonna.

                      KANSAS
            We're here for you, Diane.

  All move in to hug her.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            I guess their little fairy tale could've
            ended there, "And they lived happily
            ever after."  Only problem was...
                (with great joy, laughing)
            they didn't have a place to live!

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. BANK - NEXT DAY

  REVERSE ANGLE

  Jack and Diane sit in front of an older LOAN OFFICER'S desk. 
  SIGN READS: "Your home for home loans."  Loan officer looks
  over papers as Jack and Diane look excitedly at one another. 
  Diane takes Jack's hand.

                      LOAN OFFICER
            I'm sorry.

                      DIANE
            What?!  But all our paperwork's there. 
            My school records, Jack's football
            records...

                      LOAN OFFICER
            Let me explain something...

                      DIANE
            No.  Wait!  Did I say Promise!  Cross-my
            heart and hope-to-die, stick-a-needle-in
            my-eye we'll never miss a payment?!

                      LOAN OFFICER
            Uh, yes.  Yes you did.

                      JACK
            Diane.  Hold on a minute.  I think I
            know where this is going.
                (sotto, to loan officer)
            I'm willing to put up the papers for my
            Mustang - she's got a few miles on her,
            but she looks great.

                      LOAN OFFICER
            I'm sure, son, but --

                      JACK
            Okay!  Stop twisting my arm!  I'll throw
            in the speakers.

                      LOAN OFFICER
            Look, kids, why don't you just have your
            parents come i n and get a loan?  Then
            they could give you the money.

                      DIANE
                (building from a slow burn)
            With all due respect, Jack and Diane
            Bartlett...

  They exchange a smile, first time saying this.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            ...do not accept charity.  We are two
            young, able-bodied Americans.  We do not
            want a handout.  We want a hand-up. 
            Give us food and we will be hungry
            tomorrow.  Give us corn - the kind you
            plant, not eat - and we'll grow our own
            food and... and, uh, then cut it, and -
            uh, y'know eat it!  Now, if you're
            interested in giving us a home loan, I
            will sit back down.  If not, have a nice
            day, Ma'am.

                      LOAN OFFICER
            Sorry.  My hands are tied.

  Diane makes a dramatic exit, taking a handful of M&M's from
  her desk.  The squad, (previously unidentified) lounging in
  the central bank of couches, follows her.

                      JACK
                (watching proudly)

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON

  CLOSE ON

  A smiling Jack and Diane as they look lovingly into each
  other's eyes.

                      DIANE
            Well... it's a little more than we
            wanted to spend, but we'll take it!

  They kiss.  PULL BACK to REVEAL we're:

  INT. APARTMENT - LATER

  It's a semi-furnished shit-hole.  The ONLY WINDOW looks out
  on a BRICK WALL.  The APARTMENT MANAGER, a grungy, Tommy Lee
  type, paces.

                      APARTMENT MANAGER
            Fine.  Just remember, I manage the
            building.  I don't, like, own it or fix
            it.  So, like, I don't care if shit
            breaks.  All I care is that the rent is
            shoved under my door on the first.  Oh,
            and if there's, like, packages outside
            my door?  Leave 'em the hell alone.

  He exits.  Jack and Diane are not listening - lost in each
  others' eyes.

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. BURGER BIN (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT

  CUSTOMER POV

  Jack, in uniform, stands behind the counter.

                      JACK
                (stilted)
            Welcome to Burger Bin.
                (sotto)
            Don't get the Filet-O-Fish - the fry
            cook picks his ass.
 
  WIDEN TO REVEAL

  An ANGRY COOK standing behind Jack.

                                                  WIPE PAN TO:

  INT. LINCOLN TACO (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT

  CUSTOMER POV

  Jack, in uniform, behind the counter.  He looks confused as
  he presses buttons on his high-tech register.

                      JACK
                (accenting Spanish words)
            Two Taco Grannnndes, one burrrrrrito,
            large ta-co chips and guacamooooooole...

                                                  WHIP PAN TO:

  INT. GRAMMA'S FRIED CHICKEN (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT

  CUSTOMER POV

  Jack stands at the counter - in uniform.

                      JACK
                (sotto to customer)
            We don't really have fried rats in the
            buckets - I know, I checked.

                                                  WHIP PAN TO:

  INT. LINCOLN TACO (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT

  SAME SCENE

  PULL BACK to reveal a long line waiting.

                      JACK
                (looking up from register)
            That'll be...uh, thirty five cents,
            please.

                                                  WHIP PAN TO:

  INT. DINKIE'S DONUTS (FOOD COURT) - NIGHT

  CUSTOMER POV

  Jack stands at the counter, in sailor uniform.  An OLD NAVY
  MAN, all in white, stands in the B.G. cleaning his nails with
  a knife.

                      JACK
                (nervous, looks over shoulder)
            Welcome to Dinkie's Donuts.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

  A hurt and angry Jack walks in, still in sailor uniform. 
  Diane's in bed eating and doing homework.

                      JACK
            Dinkie is a bad, bad man...

  INT. VIDEO BARN - NIGHT

  Jack stands in front of the counter, THREE SOCIAL RETARDS
  (Jack's age) behind it.  Jack hands them his application.

                      JACK
                (defeated)
            Y'know what?  I'll save you the time. 
            I'm not going to lie.  I don't believe
            in it.  If you pick your ass - I'm going
            to tell people.  I have no idea how to
            run your registers.  And, if any of you
            are hard core drinkers and like to throw
            knives, well, I'm outta here right now.

                      TED
            Uh, are, uh, you-you're Jack Bartlett,
            right?

                      JACK
            Yeah.

                      TED
            You'd be, like, hangin' out with us
            every night after school, right?

                      JACK
            Yeah - well, after football practice.

                      CHRIS
                (savoring the words)
            Football practice - fantasmic.

  The social retards look at each other, excited.

                      TED
            You're hired!

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. SAFEWAY - CEREAL AISLE - LATE AFTERNOON

  MUZAK UP.  A worried Diane, now showing slightly under all
  black warm-ups, is writing on her notepad as she walks down
  an aisle.  Suddenly, in the B.G. CROSS AISLE, an ecstatic
  Jack, in "Video Barn" uniform, WHIZZES PAST, riding his cart. 
  Arms out at his sides.

                      JACK
            I'm on top of the world!

  Seeing Diane, he tries to stop, but can't and continues past. 
  A SECOND LATER, he scrambles back and rides up to her -
  tossing more boxes into the already FULL CART.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
                (holding box of cookies)
            Hey, Di, if we have a girl, we should
            dress her like Little Debbie!

  Jack pulls alongside Diane and kisses her.  She notices the
  full cart.  It'll cost a fortune.

                      DIANE
            Jack, sweetie, I'm only eating for two.

                      JACK
                (positively giddy)
            But Di, all this food reminds me of how
            much I want to teach our baby.

  He tosses more cereal in the cart.  Diane looks at her
  notepad, then starts to return items to the shelves WITHOUT
  JACK NOTICING.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            Like Cocoa Puffs.  Good.  Captain
            Crunch.  Bad.  Shreds the roof of your
            mouth.  I mean you hear, "Tricks are for
            kids!"  And you think, "I'm a kid, I
            guess they're for me."  But your baby
            brain's got no idea that Fruit Loops
            are, like, a million times better.  I'm
            going to save our kid all that pain.

                      DIANE
            Jack...

                      JACK
                (putting all three in cart)
            If you could be Count Chocula,
            Frankenberry or Trix the Rabbit, who'd
            you be?

                      DIANE
                (removing the box)
            Trix...

                      JACK
            Me too!  Will it ever end?!
                (yelling to the store)
            I love this lady!

  He kisses her as SHE SLIPS ANOTHER BOX on the shelf.

                      DIANE
            Jack, I think I should get a job.

                      JACK
                (rubbing her belly)
            But we agreed your job is running the
            baby machine...

                      DIANE
            I know, but that was before.

                      JACK
            Ah!  I almost forgot gas for the baby
            machine.  I'll grab your Snickers and
            get a place in line.

  He kisses her again and runs off.  Diane watches him - the
  love in her eyes quickly turns back to worry and she starts
  to put everything back on the shelves: cookies, cereal,
  chips, ice cream - oh, that struggle, but it goes...

  INT. SAFEWAY CHECK OUT STAND - LATER

  ANGLE ON AISLE

  Diane emerges with an almost empty cart.  Just milk, peanut
  butter, bread and a large roast are all that remain.

                      JACK (O.S.)
            Hey, Di!

  Diane turns to see Jack, a couple aisles over, holding out a
  LITTLE KID WITH GLASSES.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
                (in a funny voice)
            Hello, I'm the little professor. 
            Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like
            this?!

  A WOMAN RUSHES over and ANGRILY grabs her kid back from Jack,
  punches him and storms off.  Diane rushes in line, ditching
  the roast in a gum rack beside the check-out.

  As she struggles with it, she notices a WOMAN at the LINCOLN
  SAVINGS AND LOANS BRANCH (inside the Safeway at the end of
  the check-out aisles) putting out a HELP WANTED sign.

  INT. JACK'S MUSTANGE - MOMENTS LATER

  Jack drives as Diane devours a king size Snickers bar.

                      JACK
            I never knew you dreamed of working in a
            grocery store bank branch.  Baby, we are
            living the great American Dream!

                      DIANE
                (mouth full of Snickers)
            Mmm-hmmm...

  Unseen by Jack, Diane slips her hand out the partially open
  window, releasing a PAGE from her NOTEPAD.

  On the BLOWING LIST as the Mustang drives on:

                      DIANE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                (mouth full)
            If you reach for the stars, you're bound
            to get -- mm-Jack, pull over.

                      JACK (O.S.)
            Huh?  Oh Jesus...

  EXT. JACK'S MUSTANG (SWERVES TO STOP) - SUNSET

  He pulls over.

                      JACK (O.S.)
            Why do they call it morning sickness?

  In the UNFOCUSED B.G., Diane opens her door and crawls out,
  about to toss her cookies.  In the F.G., the LIST settles on
  the road: FROM THE BEAUTIFUL MIND OF DIANE is a pre-printed
  on the top.  Diane wrote "Monthly Income" column which totals
  "$525."  Her "Monthly Bills" column totals "$845."  "ONE
  MONTH LEFT" is scribbled at the bottom.
			

  MUSIC UP:

  MONTAGE BEGINS

  INT. SAFEWAY - SEAFOOD DEPARTMENT/BANK BRANCH - DAY

  CLOSE ON A FISH

  In the seafood case.  The BUTCHER's hand comes in, takes it
  out, and flops it on the scale.

  ANGLE ON

  Oscillating fan behind him.  Follow the smell as it drifts
  from the counter over to Diane, working in the Bank Branch. 
  She sniffs, sniffs again, then suddenly gags and goes down
  behind the counter.

  INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

  CLOSE ON

  Diane's belly.  Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it
  against the wall.  PULL BACK as DIANE steps away.  We SEE TWO
  LINES labelled, "AUGUST" and "SEPTEMBER" on the wall.  They
  smile and kiss.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

  SLOW MOTION

  The squad, in uniform, walks toward camera in a line across
  the hall - looking cool as hell.  

  ANGLE BEHIND

  Squad walks away.  An ADDITIONAL PIECE OF FABRIC has been
  added to the back of Diane's skirt.

  INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

  Jack and Diane open the front door.  The BUILDING MANAGER
  pushes in a big screen TV.  MUSIC UNDER.

                      BUILDING MANAGER
            I need a place to keep this.  Anyone
            asks, what d'ya know?  You don't know
            shit.

  SCHOOL BAND MUSIC UP.  Jack and Diane hug each other, they
  have a TV!

  EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

  Jack hikes the ball, steps back to throw, but trips on his
  shoe laces.

  ON THE CROWD

  All are silent.  A HECKLER STANDS.

                      HECKLER
            Hey, Bartlett, pick up your skirt when
            you run!

  ON THE SQUAD

  Watching from the field.  Diane turns to the crowd.  Jack's
  heckler must die!

                      KANSAS
                (yelling to heckler)
            Run, you bastard, run!  She's hormonal!!

  Diane's off, SCALING THE BLEACHERS.

  EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTER GAME - NIGHT

  FANS ARE GONE.  A beat-up Jack, helmet under arm, walks with
  his arms around Diane, who's icing her fist.  He smiles and
  kisses her hand.

  INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

  CLOSE ON

  Diane's belly.  Jack's hand comes into frame, tracing it.

  PULL BACK

  as Diane steps away.  We see THREE LINES: "August",
  "September" and "October" already written on the wall.  They
  smile and kiss.

  INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - DAY

  CLOSE ON 

  Jack and the social retards.

                      JACK
            ...she's in my hands, right?  Moist to
            the touch.  It's at that moment I think
            I control her - she's mine.  But it's a
            false illusion, like in "Backdraft."  No
            man controls fire!  She's ready, I'm
            ready, she's ready, I yell, "One-fifty
            four, forty eight."

  PULL BACK

  to reveal he's holding a football.

                      JACK (CONT'D)
            Hike!

  The social retards are orgasmic over his story.
			
  INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - DAY

  MUZAK UP.  Diane, at the service window, smiles as she helps
  a CUSTOMER, then drops her pen behind the counter, mouthing
  "Ooops, one moment."  She bends down.

  BEHIND THE COUNTER

  Diane voraciously rips the top off a SNICKERS and shoves it
  into a jar of HAAGENDAAZ.  She takes a huge bite, then pops
  up, SMILING - MOUTH FULL.

  INT. MALL BOOK STORE - PARENTING SECTION - DAY

  Squad is looking over different pregnancy books.  Cleo reads
  from a TEEN LOOKING MAGAZINE.

                      CLEO
            I can't believe they have the "Top Ten
            Alternatives to Sex for You and Your
            Boyfriend" and "watching each other
            masturbate" isn't even listed!

  All stare at her a beat.

                      LUCY
                (off pregnancy book)
            Diane, it says here you're going to have
            mood swings, uncontrollable gas.

                      KANSAS
            More proof God's a guy...

                      LUCY
            ...and sex dreams where you actually
            have an orgasm!

                      KANSAS
            Virgin Mary musta snuck that one in.

  Hannah hits Kansas.  MUSIC TURNS TO SLOWER MINOR CHORDS.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

  Same SLOW MOTION scene.  Squad walks TOWARD CAMERA in line
  across the hall - again looking cool as hell.  

  ANGLE BEHIND

  A larger piece of fabric has been added to the back of
  Diane's skirt.

  INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

  Diane (eating Snickers) sits in the bean-bag chair in front
  of the BIG SCREEN TV.  Jack stands beside it, holding a
  video, "ANIMAL BIRTHS."  He smiles and puts it in the VCR. 
  Under OPENING CREDITS a KITTEN IS BEING BORN.  Jack is
  horrified by it.

  INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATE NIGHT

  Jack, LOOKING TIRED, is doing homework at the counter with
  the social retards.  (Store is decorated for Christmas.)

                      CHRIS
            Jack, c'mon, you promised.

                      JACK
                (yawning)
            Okay, one question.

                      TED
                (to other social retards)
            Oh, me-me-me, mine's great.

                      CHRIS
            Proceed, Dungeon Master Quan.

  Lisa approaches the counter, VIDEO TAPES in hand.

                      TED
            Okay.  Jack, y'know how you and Diane...
            slept together?
                (looking to tards, pleased with
                 himself)
            Well now that you can't, y'know, (fuck)
            "sleep together," but you still sleep
            together, don't you ever get, like,
            just, super horny?  If so, how horny? 
            I'll be quiet now so I can listen to
            your answer.

                      LISA
                (flirting her ass off)
            Yeah, Jack - I'd love to hear your
            answer.

  She sets her videos on the counter, smiling seductively. 
  Jack starts to run them under the scanner.

                      JACK
            The answer's easy...
                (quickly)
            Oh, "Lolita" is due tomorrow - Same for
            "9 1/2 Weeks."  Ditto on "Wild Things."  
                (back to question)
            I'm gonna be a dad!  Dads don't get
            horny.

  Lisa grabs her tapes and exits.

  INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY

  CLOSE ON

  Diane's belly.  Jack's HAND comes into frame, tracing it. 
  ICE CREAM drips on it. 
  Jack licks it off as we PULL BACK to see a VERY TIRED Diane
  holding a pint of ice cream, using a SNICKERS as a spoon. 
  FOUR lines labelled "August," "September," "October" and
  "November" on the wall.  Jack gives Diane a tired peck on the
  cheek as she continues to eat.

  EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

  ON CROWD

  As they TURN FLASH CARDS IN UNISON to read: "2-4-6-8 LOGS ARE
  ROLLIN' ON THE STATE!"

  ON SQUAD

  going nuts!  They notice Diane isn't there.  She's eating a
  vendor's box.  They run over to her.

  ON JACK

  running for a touchdown - a la his homecoming run.  This time
  he's exhausted and the competition is gaining.

  Everything grinds to a SLO-MO CRAWL as Jack makes a heroic
  leap for the touchdown.  With his spare hand, he attempts to
  smother a huge yawn, as opposing players come flying at him
  from both sides.

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

  ANGLE ABOVE BED

  Continuation of pervious shot as Jack lands on the bed
  completing the touchdown.  Diane falls across the frame from
  the opposite side.  They're asleep by the time they hit the
  bed - still in cheerleading and football uniforms.  Jack
  holds a large STATE TROPHY - Diane holds a half-eaten
  Snickers.

  END MUSIC
			
			

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Okay, so they won state - b.f.d.  The
            best part was Diane was really starting
            to look like shit.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:


  INT. SAFEWAY BANK BRANCH - DAY

  CLOSE ON

  Diane's face - smashed against A SIDE GLASS PANEL as she
  SLEEPS.  She really does look like shit - puffy eyes, no make
  up, dark circles, bad hair and drool coming from her mouth.

                      LUCY (O.S.)
            Diane?  Diane!

                      DIANE
                (waking up)
            Huh-ha-wha?
                (scratching on window)
            Ahh!  I'm under the ice!  I'm uh --
            oh...man...
                (opening her window)
            That was a weird one.

  PULL BACK

  To REVEAL the squad stands in front of Diane.

                      CLEO
            Another sex dream?

                      DIANE
            Wayne Gretzky.

                      KANSAS
            Hat-trick?

                      DIANE
                (exhausted)
            He is the Great One...

  INT. MALL - VIDEO BARN - LATER

  Jack is asleep on his books at the small children's
  furniture, set up beside the children's voices.  Lisa
  approaches.

                      LISA
                (sweetly)
            Jack?  Oh Jack...

  Ted approaches.

                      TED
            Can I help you?

                      LISA
                (loud whisper)
            Get your loser ass away from me!

  Ted exits.  Lisa looks around, then walks over and kicks the
  chair out from under Jack's head, sending him crashing to the
  floor.

                      LISA (CONT'D)
            Oh my G-d - are you okay?

  She immediately kneels beside him, placing his aching head in
  her lap - smothering him in her breasts.

                      JACK
                (groggily reaching up)
            Diane?

  Lisa stands, dropping him from her lap.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

  It's pitch black.  We hear a KEY IN THE DOOR.  It opens, an
  arm comes in and the LIGHT GOES ON.  An exhausted Diane and
  the squad, carrying things for the sleep-over, enter.  LUCY
  carries a pizza box.  THE PLACE IS A PIT.  All but Diane
  STOP, IN SHOCK.

                      LUCY
            Oh my G-d, you've been robbed!

                      DIANE
                (tired and depressed)
            No...I've been pregnant.

                      CLEO
            Di, are you okay?  We can skip the girl
            party this week.

                      DIANE
                (unconvincing)
            Everything's fine.  I'm just having a
            little trouble keeping my frown upside
            down.

  Diane forces a smile.

                      HANNAH
            You want us to help you pick up?

                      DIANE
                (snapping)
            Don't Martha-fucking-Stewart me!  If you
            don't like it - you try being a pregnant
            teen!

  Diane YANKS the Safeway bag from Hannah and storms O.S.

                      KANSAS
            And we have our first pregnancy mood
            swing.  All that's left is --

  Diane FARTS O.C.

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            Bingo.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - LATER

  LATER

  Squad sits in a cleared space in front of the BIG TV,
  painting nails, reading magazines, etc.  Diane eats.

                      CLEO
            Did you guys hear that in China - or one
            a those places that makes the really
            cheap silk shoes and kids are super
            smart - that as a reward for good
            grades, mothers get their kids hookers
            to blow 'em?

  All stop and look at her.

                      HANNAH
            No.

                      CLEO
            Huh.  Musta been a dream.

                      DIANE
            I'm sorry to keep asking this, but are
            you guys sure I'm not fat?

  Squad looks to each other, nervous, then AD-LIBS "No!"

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            "No" you're not sure or "No" I'm not
            fat?

                      KANSAS
            Uh, "no"... You're not fat.

                      DIANE
            You sure I'm not fat?

                      LUCY
                (can't take it any more)
            Look, you're fat, Diane.  You're fat,
            fat, fat!  Because you eat, eat, eat!
                (to shocked squad)
            What?!  She keeps asking because she
            wants some honesty.

                      DIANE
                (breaking down)
            No I don't... I keep asking because I
            feel fat.

                      LUCY
            Oh G-d, I'm sorry... You're not really
            fat!  I was just saying that because,
            uh, I thought that's what you wanted me
            to say.

                      DIANE
            You sure?

                      LUCY
            Positive.

                      DIANE
            "Positive" you're sure I'm not fat or
            "positive" I'm...

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

  Squad is watching "POINT BREAK" on TV: Bank Robbery about to
  start.  Diane eats Snickers.

                      LUCY
            Oh my G-d, I read about this!  It's
            called a "pregnancy insanity."  Quick,
            she needs a sitz bath --

                      DIANE
                (putting down her Snickers)
            Look, I might be moody.  I might be
            gassy.  But I am perfectly sane.  Think
            about it.  In school, they tell us,
            "Dreams can come true."  Right?

  Squad AD-LIBS agreement - not knowing where this is going.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            But they don't tell us how!  Well,
            thanks to Keanu, I figured it out! 
            Money makes your dreams come true.

  Squad AD-LIBS their concern for her mental health.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
                (old spirit returning)
            Listen, Kansas, I know you dream of
            springing your mom some day...

                      KANSAS
            Stop, you're gonna make me cry.

                      DIANE
            And if the O.J. trial taught us
            anything, it taught us that in America,
            you can cut off someone's head and still
            be found innocent if you have enough
            money.  Your mom only shot a guy...

  Kansas smiles at the thought.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Now Cleo, I know you dream of an all
            leather apartment with Conan - I heard
            the school shrink telling a lunch lady.

  Cleo blushes and smiles guiltily at the thought.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            And Hannah, you could give your share to
            your church - or maybe buy one of those
            hungry little kids Sally Struthers
            advertises.

                      HANNAH
            Or, I could get my own horse...

                      DIANE
            Or that!  Look, you guys, I just want to
            provide a future for my baby.  I know my
            bank branch like the back of my puffy
            little hand.  I could open that safe in
            my sleep!

                      KANSAS
            I'm in.

  Squad reacts with SHOCK - did she just say that?

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            I mean it.  I'm in.  This is the closest
            thing to a goddamn family that I've ever
            had.  If one of us needs something, we
            all do.

                      LUCY
            Stop it!  This is crazy!

                      CLEO
            I'm in, too.

                      LUCY
            Cleo!

                      CLEO
            Kansas is right.  We're like sisters --
            we're closer than sisters.  And you
            don't turn your back on family.

                      DIANE
            C'mon, Luce, people do it in the movies
            all the time.

                      LUCY
            And they get caught!

                      DIANE
            That's right.  So all we have to do is
            watch a bunch of movies and learn from
            their mistakes.

                      CLEO
            And you know real cops aren't half as
            smart as Keanu.

                      LUCY
            Forget it.  I've got a scholarship to
            Harvard hanging over my head.  I won't
            risk it.

                      CLEO
                (sotto, to Kansas)
            Conan went to Harvard.

                      KANSAS
                (sotto)
            Shut up.

                      DIANE
            Lucy, do you know for sure you're going
            to get that scholarship?

                      LUCY
            No.

                      DIANE
            If you don't - can you still afford to
            go to Harvard?

                      LUCY
            ... I don't know.  Probably not.

                      DIANE
            So then this isn't crazy.  It's a sure
            bet.

                      LUCY
            Well...

  Squad AD-LIBS their encouragement.

                      LUCY (CONT'D)
            I guess we're in this together.

  They jump around, thrilled.

                      LUCY (CONT'D)
            But, we have to make a smart plan!

                      DIANE
            Of course - of course!  Hands in...

  Squad puts their hands in.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            We all have to cross-our-hearts-hope-to
            die-stick-a-dirty-needle-in-my-eye that
            we'll never tell Jack.  We all know he
            can't lie - that's why he's going to be
            such a great senator.

  MUSIC UP:

  as the squad goes through their "Cheerleaders Kick Ass!"
  routine.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. CLEO'S BEDROOM - DAY

  It looks just like Diane's basement.  Cleo sits on the couch,
  eating from a bag of microwave popcorn.  The VIDEO BOX for
  "Reservoir Dogs" plays in the tiny picture-in-picture.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM - DAY

  The room is neatly ordered.  Lucy sits at her computer - DVD
  case of "Heat" sits beside her monitor.  She's taking copious
  notes.  Her mom enters with milk and cookies.  Lucy stands,
  concealing her monitor.  Her mom sets down the cookies and
  kisses Lucy's good-night before she exits.  Relieved, Lucy
  sits at her computer again.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

  It's a sparse room, filled with religious icons.  Hannah
  nervously places a video into the VCR above the TV, then sits
  on the couch.  She smiles about to push PLAY on the remote
  when her stern, UBER-CHRISTIAN PARENTS ENTER and take a seat
  on either side of her.  Her look turns to fear as her father
  takes the remote and hits PLAY.

  END MUSIC.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  EXT. LINCOLN HIGH - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY LOCKERS - CONTINUOUS

  CAMERA TRACKS down the hallway, passing groups of kids as
  they talk beside their lockers.  We pass the GEEKY GUY (from
  "Candidate Speeches") and his two friends.

                      GEEKY GUY
            ... I feel utterly abandoned in a place
            that values physical prowess over mental
            acuity.  I can't wait for all this to
            change once we get in the real world...

  CONTINUE TRACKING PAST LISA and the B-squad.

                      LISA
            ... I do!  I totally marry Prince
            William even if he was gay.  I mean, in
            England all guys are kinda gay anyway. 
            Even cigarettes are fags over there...

  B-squad AD-LIBS AGREEMENT as we CONTINUE to the A-squad
  around Diane's locker.

                      CLEO
            ...He slices off the guy's ear, and I
            mean you see everything - the bloody
            pink hole where the --

                      DIANE
            Cleo, I've already thrown up twice today
            - could you please get to any relevant
            part of the movie?

                      CLEO
                (vamping)
            Well...uh...they, y'know, uh... They had
            nicknames.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - LUNCHROOM - DAY

  Squad sits at their lunch table in this large, open room. 
  Only Diane eats - from all the trays.  Lucy walks around the
  table, handing out stapled packets.

                      LUCY
            ...Page one is a plot summary of "Heat." 
            Two has my character summaries.  Three
            is my overall critique and on four
            through ten, you'll find my Nexus search
            of all prior analysis of this film...

  All stare at her.  She stops - starts to pick up the packets.

                      LUCY (CONT'D)
            Uh, in summation, no part of "Heat" is
            really applicable to a grocery store
            bank branch robbery.

                      JACK (O.S.)
            What the heck is going on here?

  All turn to see Jack, followed by football players and the
  Video Barn Geeks.

                      DIANE
            Uh, Jack - look, I can explain...

                      JACK
            Diane, there's no excuse for not taking
            your pre-natal vitamins.  Now, if you
            guys were really friends, you'd remind
            her to take these.

  He smiles, gives Diane her vitamins and kisses her head
  before exiting to the "jock table."

                      TED
            Uh, Cleo...would you just say my name?

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

  The squad, in uniform, sits along the wall.  Pregnant COUPLES
  fill the rest of the room.

                      HANNAH
            ...so, while it's a laugh riot for the
            whole family, and Tim Conway is just
            about as funny as they come, especially
            when he goes...

                      KANSAS
            Wait a minute.  You watched the Apple
            fucking-Dumpling Gang?!

                      HANNAH
            I'm only allowed "G" movies.

                      KANSAS
                (losing it)
            Am I the only one who cares about this? 
            At least I watched "Dog Day Afternoon!"

                      HUSBAND
            Excuse me, could you please keep your
            voice down?  We're not introducing anger
            into the womb.

                      KANSAS
                (snapping back)
            Well how'd you like me to introduce my
            foot into your ass?

                      DIANE
            Kansas!

                      KANSAS
                (lowering her voice)
            I'm sorry, Diane, but I'm not gonna
            watch my dreams fade away 'cause the
            Virgin Mary here thinks she's gonna get
            ideas from kiddie movies --

                      HANNAH
            Those of us who have parents, know that
            they have rules because they care!

  All fall silent - she went too far.  Kansas stands.

                      KANSAS
            You sure you wanna go there?

                      HANNAH
                (nervously standing)
            Uh...maybe?

                      KANSAS
            'Cause I will Jerry Springer you faster
            than you can say "Fat-assed lesbian!"

  Kansas and Hannah go at it - the GIRL FIGHT is on.  Diane,
  Cleo and Lucy try to pull them apart, AD-LIBBING "Stop!" and
  "Knock it off!"  A NURSE enters from the other side of the
  room.

                      NURSE
            Diane Weston?

  Diane pushes her way through the fight, forcing a smile.

  INT. EXAM ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

  A disheveled squad enters to find Diane on the exam table,
  crying.  Her sweater is pulled up, pregnant belly exposed. 
  An ULTRASOUND MACHINE and MONITOR is on beside her.

                      CLEO
            Di, we're sorry.  We...

                      DIANE
            It's off... I can't take the fighting,
            the back-stabbing, the open hostility. 
            We're not acting like cheerleaders,
            we're acting like a bunch of sorority
            girls!

  The squad rushes to a sobbing Diane, embarrassed by their
  behavior and what it's done to Diane.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
                (through tears)
            It's all my fault.  I'm sorry I ever
            started this...

                      KANSAS
            Di, it's not your fault.  We all wanted
            to do this - for you... for ourselves.

  Squad AD-LIBS agreement.  Cleo picks up the ULTRA-SOUND HAND
  PIECE beside Diane and starts fiddling with it.

                      HANNAH
            Look, maybe I can watch a PG movie...
            I'll just say I'm counting dirty words
            for Sunday School.

                      DIANE
            That's okay, Hannah.  It was silly to
            think we could learn to rob a bank from
            watching movies.  Sex - you can learn
            from movies.  But robberies?  There's no
            way.

  Cleo sets the HAND-PIECE on Diane's belly.  The squad stares
  in wide-eyed wonder at the monitor - for the first time they
  see Diane's baby.  Diane doesn't notice.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Besides, TV-LAND had a "Little House On
            The Prairie" marathon and the Ingalls
            made baby Carrie's bed in a dresser
            drawer.  I guess I can just do that...

  Diane sees the squad staring and turns to the monitor.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Oh my G-d...

  She SEES HER BABY MOVING and GENTLY TOUCHES her belly with
  both hands.  It's all very real.  Suddenly, the BABY SHIRTS
  FORWARD and we see a SECOND BABY'S HEAD.

                      CLEO
            Ahh!  Baby's got two heads!!!

                      LUCY
            It's twins!!

                      DIANE
            Oh, thank G-d!  I'm not just super fat!

                      KANSAS
                (building)
            Oh - okay, we ain't done with this...
            Those babies are gonna get a good start
            in life - with a real crib - one that
            costs a shit-load!  We're gonna learn
            how to rob a bank from the only people
            who really know how to do it -
            criminals!  I'm gonna visit my mom!

  Squad can't believe what she just said.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY

  CLOSE ON

  Mrs. Hill, a tough looking woman who smokes like a chimney.

                      MRS. HILL
            You don't look nothing like your
            pictures.  What happened to the curly
            red hair?

  ANGLE ON

  Kansas.

                      KANSAS
            Grandma and Grandpa sent you pictures of
            a neighbor girl.  They didn't want you
            to break out and come kidnap me.

                      MRS. HILL
            Thank G-d.  I was starting to think I'd
            killed the wrong man.

  There's an awkward silence as the reality of this hits
  Kansas.  Her mom lights up a cigarette.

                      KANSAS
            You shouldn't smoke so many of those.

                      MRS. HILL
            I know, but it keeps down the size of my
            can.

                      KANSAS
            They could kill you.

                      MRS. HILL
            So could half the women in here.  And
            I'd rather go out with a nice can... So
            watcha here for?  To say how much you
            hate me or how much your grandparents
            hate me...

                      KANSAS
            I don't hate you.  I need your help.

                      MRS. HILL
            My what?

                      KANSAS
            Your help.

                      MRS. HILL
            Now how the hell can I help you?

                      KANSAS
                (sitting close)
            Okay, you can't tell anybody.

                      MRS. HILL
            Gee, I'll sit out this afternoon's
            coffee talk.  Whaddya want?

                      KANSAS
            My best friend got pregnant.

                      MRS. HILL
            Before you?  Whoo-hoo!

  They high-five through the glass.

                      KANSAS
            I know - that's what I said too. 
            Anyway, we want to help her get some
            money for the baby by robbing a bank.

                      MRS. HILL
            Well, shit-fire, Kansas, that's the
            sweetest goddamn thing ever...

                      KANSAS
            I know, but we can't quite figure out
            how to, y'know, do it.

                      MRS. HILL
                (near tears)
            So you need my help?  Oh my G-d, this is
            like asking me for help with your
            homework.
                (calling behind her)
            Hey, Mink, c'mere!

  MINK, a tough-looking woman with short spiky hair joins her.

                      MRS. HILL (CONT'D)
            Kansas, I want you to meet someone
            special.

                      KANSAS
            Oh, Jesus Christ, Mom!  Like my life
            ain't a great big pile-of-shit 'cause
            you're in here?  Now I have to add,
            "P.S. My mom's a dyke" too?

                      MRS. HILL
            What?!  Hush up, you mouthy little shit!

                      KANSAS
            Hey, don't "mouthy shit" me - I'm outta
            here.

                      MRS. HILL
            Wait, Petunia.  Mommy's a little amped
            up - didn't get her yard time this
            morning.  Mink ain't my bitch.  She's a
            specialist... in banks.
					  
  INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - WAITING ROOM - DAY

  The rest of the squad, in uniform, waits in folding chairs. 
  A LARGE INMATE stares at them, while slowly mopping the
  floor.  All but Diane appear nervous.  The inmate works her
  mop BETWEEN DIANE'S LEGS and stops.

                      INMATE #1
            Thems some sweet skirts y'got there.

                      DIANE
            Well, thank you.  They're actually
            uniforms - we're cheerleaders.

                      INMATE #1
            Mmm-hmm... y'sure are.

  As she moves in closer, Kansas is let through a metal door. 
  All jump up.  Diane steps politely over the mop handle that's
  pressed between her legs.

                      DIANE
            Excuse us.

  The squad joins Kansas as they all hustle out the hallway.

                      KANSAS
            Same time tomorrow - we have a visit
            with our favorite "aunts."

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. OKLAHOMA WOMEN'S PRISON - VISITING ROOM - DAY

  PAN DOWN the visitors' row.  TOUGH MEN sit across from even
  TOUGHER FEMALE INMATES.  CONTINUE DOWN to the SQUAD, sweet
  and small in comparison - each sitting across from a
  DIFFERENT INMATE.  Mrs. Hill walks behind the inmates,
  supervising.

  ON KANSAS AND MINK

                      MINK
            Robbin' a bank is like pullin' a trick. 
            You gotta stay in control, know how far
            you'll go for the dough and always put
            the rubber on yourself... Well, y'know
            what I mean.  And you gotta do it the
            day after Christmas.

                      KANSAS
            Why?

                      MINK
            Banks never have a holiday pick up, so
            vaults are full.  Besides, everyone's at
            home eatin' left-overs and beatin' their
            kids.

  ON DIANE AND HER INMATE

                      INMATE #1
            ...You're only seventeen?  Shit, I was
            havin' my third by th'time I's your age.

  ON CLEO AND HER INMATE #4

                      CLEO
            Really?  You were cell mates with her? 
            Oh my G-d, she was my hero!  Did she
            tell you what Letterman's house was
            like?

  ON LUCY AND HER INMATE

                      INMATE #2
            Y'gotta buy gats from "The Terminator." 
            And tell him "Itchy" sent'ya.

                      LUCY
            And "gats" are...

                      INMATE #2
            Guns, cuties.

                      LUCY
            And you're called "Itchy" because...

  ON HANNAH AND HER INMATE

                      INMATE #3
            You listen to Carol, pussycat, a foot on
            both sides-a-your bathtub nozzle - make
            your ride with the sisters seem like
            nothin' more-n-a piss shiver.

  Hannah frantically writes down.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

  Jack is on his side of the bed, rubbing cream on Diane's
  exposed belly as he sings to it.  Diane is writing on her
  "From the Beautiful Mind..." NOT PAD, which rests above her
  big belly.

                      JACK
                (talking to Diane's belly)
            ...so although their dad said, "Don't
            get out of the car until I get back with
            help," they knew the sheriff's voice as
            he yelled.  "Run to my voice - and don't
            look back."  The twins did as he said,
            but at the last second they turned
            around and saw the escaped mental
            patient, bouncing their father's head on
            the top of the car!
                (feels something)
            Ah!  They jumped, Diane!  They jumped!

                      DIANE
            That was gas, Sweetie.

                      JACK
            Oh... What are you working on?

                      DIANE
            Jus some girlie things for the squad.

  MUSIC UP:

  INT. APARTMENT - DAY

  "TO DO LIST" MONTAGE

  CLOSE ON

  Notepad.  "From The Beautiful Mind of Diane" PAN DOWN to
  first item listed: 

  1) Buy ski masks and maternity underpants.

  As it's crossed off, we:

                                      DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:



  INT. SEARS - MATERNITY DEPARTMENT - DAY

  Diane watches as the squad MODELS BIG WHITE MATERNITY
  UNDERPANTS over their Addidas sweats, with pillows and
  stuffed animals in the belly portion.  It's like some bizarre
  fashion show.  A STERN OLD SALESWOMAN approaches.  Diane
  points to Cleo's style, then hands the surprised saleswoman
  FIVE SKI MASKS.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - DAY

  THE LIST as 

  2) Buy gats from "The Terminator" is crossed off.

  EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY

  Squad stands FROZEN looking up at this cinder block shack.  A
  bad, HAND-PAINTED SIGN on top has ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
  STANDING ON A COCKROACH.

  END MUSIC

                      KANSAS
            Whoever gets out alive -- have the
            authorities to check in the crawl space.

  Diane walks to the counter and rings the bell.

                      DIANE
            Kansas, you should never judge a book by
            its cover.

  HANK WOOD ENTERS (greasy hair, dirty coveralls, big rubber
  gloves).  He's a chain-smoker and reeks of insecticide.  The
  squad reacts.

                      HANK
            Yeah?

                      DIANE
                (sotto)
            I guess there's an exception to every
            rule.

                      KANSAS
            You're the "Terminator?"

                      HANK
            You come in here to bust my balls?  I
            kill bugs for a livin'.  G-d already
            beat ya to it.

  He turns to exit.

                      DIANE
            NO!  Wait...um...
                (nervous, but smiling)
            We're the A-squad from Lincoln High? 
            So, uh...

                      KANSAS
            We were told you could "fix us up."

                      HANK
                (eyeing suspiciously)
            Really...

                      LUCY
            Yeah.  "Itchy" sent us.

                      HANK
            She did, did she?  How is the old girl?

                      LUCY
            Definitely old.

                      HANK
                (warming)
            That's Itchy, alright.  How many y'need?

                      DIANE
            Well, we'll each probably want one - so
            let's make it five.  Five should do it.

                      HANK
            Okay.  How much ammo you reckon you'll
            need?

                      DIANE
            Ammo?

                      HANK
            Bullets.

                      DIANE
            Bullets?  No bullets!  Oh my gosh, these
            are just to scare people. 
            Kinda like round-off, back handspring,
            whip back, double full.  You never
            really use it - you just want the
            opposing squad to know you've got it.

                      HANK
            Right.
                (beat)
            That'll be fifteen hundred - cash.

  Squad REACTS!

                      CLEO
            What?!

                      KANSAS
            You piece-a-shit bug zapper!

                      DIANE
            Hey, hey, hey.  C'mon you guys.
                (to Hank)
            Obviously that's a little more than our
            budget will allow.  Basically, we're
            looking for something around two-hundred
            dollars.

                      HANK
            Oh, why didn't you say.  For two-hundred
            I got a nice rubber band and a real
            sharp nail in back... I'll gift wrap it
            for you.  The deal is fifteen hundred. 
            Cash.  Take it or leave it.

                      HANNAH
            What kind of deal would you make if I
            said we were going to the police and
            tell them you're selling illegal guns...
            to minors!  To girl minors!

                      HANK
                (big toothless grin)
            I'd just hafta kiiiiiill you.

                      DIANE
            Well, okay then.  It was a pleasure
            meeting you.  Take care, let's go you
            guys.

  Squad quickly exits.

                      HANK
            Hold on!

  They stop, still facing the door.

                      LUCY
            Oh please, we've all got bright futures
            ahead of us - we're not going to tell
            anyone.  Promise!

                      HANK
            Maybe we can make a deal.

                      KANSAS
            Look, we're not gonna trade sex for
            guns.  Unless Cleo...

  Cleo hits her.

                      HANK
            My daughter's always dreamed of bein' a
            cheerleader.  Put her on your squad and
            I'll give you the guns.

                      DIANE
            You're kidding.

                      HANK
            Fern!  C'mere!
                (to squad)
            She's siphoning tanks - takes a sec to
            cap off the cyanide hose.

  FERN, all of 85 pounds wet, ENTERS wearing BIG GOGGLES, BIG
  RUBBER GLOVES, BOOTS and a BREATHER which she removes and
  gasps for air.

                      DIANE
            We'll be right back.

  EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY

  The squad runs out and gets into Hannah's STATION WAGON.

                      KANSAS (O.S.)
            Holy shit!  That's a poster child for
            "Planned Parenthood."

  INT. LAMAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT

  CLOSE ON

  Slide of VAGINA.

                      INSTRUCTOR (O.S.)
            The vagina, forming the lower portion of
            the birth canal, will normally expand
            its folded walls to allow for the birth
            process...

  Suddenly Diane and the squad walk across the screen.

                      DIANE
            Sorry, we had our first basketball game -
            went into overtime... Excuse us.  Sorry.

  PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

  Pregnant WOMEN on the floor, resting on pillows - husbands
  kneeling beside them.  CONTINUE TO PULL BACK with the squad
  as they make their way to the back row.

                      INSTRUCTOR
                (annoyed)
            May I continue, ladies?

                      KANSAS
            Sure.  Unless it's hard for you to talk
            with that stick up your ass.

  A few couples LAUGH.  Pissed, the instructor continues in the
  B.G.  Room starts LAMAZE BREATHING.  Diane joins in.
			
			

                      CLEO
            Is Jack upset that he can't be here?

                      DIANE
                (La Maze breathing)
            Hee-hee-haaaa-weee worked it out.  Heee
            hee-haaa....

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  INT. VIDEO BARN - CONTINUOUS

  CLOSE ON

  Jack, kneeling on the floor.  Behind him a MONITOR plays a La
  Maze instruction video.

                      JACK
                (La Maze breathing)
            Hee-hee-heee-haaaaa, hee-hee-hee-haaaa,
            doin' good, Sweetie...
                (looking down)
            Hey-hey, let's remember our focal point!

  Jack raises a STUFFED ANIMAL by his face.  PULL BACK TO
  REVEAL one of the social retards, CHRIS, playing the role of
  Diane - head on a pillow beside Jack, La Maze breathing.

                      CHRIS
                (labor pain)
            AHHHHH!

  CUSTOMERS, including Lisa, stop and stare.

                      JACK
            C'mon, don't stop now.  We're gonna make
            it, baby.

                      LISA
            What a sad waste of a man.

                                                  CUT BACK TO:

  INT. LA MAZE CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

  Squad reaches an open space at the back of the room.  Diane
  gets down on her pillow - squad surrounds her.  ROOM STARTS
  LA MAZE BREATHING EXERCISES.  Lucy takes out a piece of paper
  which she sets on Diane's belly for all to see.

                      LUCY
                (whispering, pointing)
            Okay, even with all our savings, it's
            still only six hundred fifty-four.

                      DIANE
                (mid-breathing exercise)
            Hee-hee-hee, haaaaa-that's it?  Hee-hee
            hee...

                      KANSAS
            Don't make me Jerry Lewis you guys for
            the rest.

                      HANNAH
            Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid
            money.  Phillipe's gonna have to gather
            rice without pants this month.

                      LUCY
            Look, you guys, three strikes we're out. 
            Let's face it.  It's time to abort!

  A COUPLE looks over - aghast.  Kansas glares back.

                      KANSAS
            Hey.  Eyes on your own belly!

                      DIANE
            Hee-hee-h-wait a minute.  Hold on, now. 
            What do we do before a big game?

                      CLEO
            Use the bathroom, because the Port-a
            Potties on the field are gross.

                      DIANE
            My fault - What do we do that enables us
            to be as great as we are?

                      CLEO
            I personally think of how Conan started
            as a writer, then became a...

                      LUCY
                (jumping in)
            -- We practice!  Sorry, Cleo.

                      DIANE
            That's right.  Practice makes perfect. 
            I'm practicing to have a baby right now. 
            If we do a practice job, we'll not only
            get the experience, but also the extra
            money we need for guns!

  Squad quietly AD-LIBS their agreement.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            I've got the perfect job - and I've
            gotta pee - help me up!

  MUSIC UP:

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

  A SMILING OLDER WOMAN with a "Volunteer" button sits at a
  table with a "LUNCH TICKETS: $1.50" SIGN on it.  LISA JANUSCH
  approaches and hands her some money.  The Older Woman starts
  to SLOWLY COUNT OFF TICKETS from a roll.

  Impatient, Lisa grabs the roll, rips off some tickets, tosses
  the roll on the table and STORMS OFF.  The Older Woman
  UNLOCKS THE METAL BOX (key around her neck), PUTS THE MONEY
  IN, then SHUTS IT.

  Diane ENTERS FRAME and gives her money.  The older woman
  counts off tickets, smiles and gives them to Diane who bends
  down to tie her shoe. 
  The Older Woman UNLOCKS the metal box to put the money in as
  KANSAS ENTERS, FALLS TO THE GROUND and fakes CHOKING.  Cleo
  runs up to Kansas - begging for help.

  The Older Woman hurries around the table to help as Hannah
  ENTERS FRAME, takes the open metal box and dumps the contents
  into Lucy's Winnie the Pooh BACKPACK as she walks quickly
  THROUGH FRAME.  Hannah hands the box to Diane who shuts it
  and puts it back on the table. 
  BOTH EXIT in opposite directions as Kansas STOPS CHOKING,
  gets up and exits, followed by Cleo, who first helps the
  Older Woman to her feet and then exits.

                                                       CUT TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - SCIENCE LAB - DAY

  The squad sits around the opened Winnie the Pooh backpack.  A
  look of shock on their faces.  After a long beat...

  END MUSIC

                      LUCY
            What the hell kind of food are they
            serving us that they can turn a profit
            on two hundred bucks!?

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  EXT. "THE TERMINATOR" EXTERMINATOR SHOP - DAY

  Front door OPENS.  Squad EXITS with a LARGE BLACK TRUNK and
  FERN.

  INT. HANNAH'S STATION WAGON - DAY

  Squad looks miserable - Fern SMILES from ear to ear.  The
  squad slowly STARTS TO SNIFF, then turn toward Fern.

                      DIANE
            Uh, Fern?

                      FERN
                (monotone)
            Yeah?

                      DIANE
            No more filling tanks before practice,
            okay?

                      FERN
            'Kay.

  EXT. HANNAH'S STATION WAGON

  We watch the wagon DRIVE through Lincoln.

                      CLEO (O.S.)
            So, y'know, what are you, anorexic or
            bulimic?

                      FERN (O.S.)
            Just skinny.

                      CLEO (O.S.)
            Don't make me hate you.

  EXT. KANSAS' HOUSE - OLD RAMBLER STYLE - DAY

  The station wagon pulls into the cracked driveway.  The squad
  jumps out and runs around to the back of the car, pulling out
  the large black trunk.

                      KANSAS (V.O.)
            You guys wanna hurry up?  My
            grandparents get back from dinner at
            four-thirty.

  INT. KANSAS' BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER

  Squad hurries down the open, unfinished stairs, lugging the
  trunk behind.  It looks like a STUDIO APARTMENT - a unique
  combination of her grandparents' old '60's furniture and high
  school memorabilia.

                      CLEO
            I can't believe your grandparents never
            come down here.

                      KANSAS
            You have three heart attacks and a half
            dozen strokes and tell me how much you
            wanna run up and down the stairs.  Shit -
            I forgot to pick up the cigarettes.

  Squad forms a circle around the trunk.

                      DIANE
            Ready?

  She flips OPEN the latches.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
                (with squad)
            Okay!

  All help LIFT THE LID.  Stunned SILENCE.

                      KANSAS
            What the hell?

  WE SEE the trunk is filled with OLD GUN PIECES.  Stocks,
  barrels, flint locks, rusty triggers, etc.  Nothing seems to
  go together.  ALL TALK AT ONCE.

                      DIANE
            Oh no...

                      KANSAS
            He Ikea'd us.

                      LUCY
            Okay.  How many signs do we need?  We're
            not supposed to do this...

                      HANNAH
            Maybe Lucy's right.  Maybe this is a
            sign.

                      KANSAS
            Screw Lucy!

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            Kansas?

  FOOTSTEPS SOUND at the top of the stairwell.  Squad quickly
  shuts the trunk and sits on it.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
            Is that you down there?

                      KANSAS
            Shit!
                (calling up)
            Yeah, Grandma.  Me and the squad.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            Are you girls talking about boys? 
            Practicing kissing your hands?

                      KANSAS
            Oh yeah, you caught us...

  TWO OLD LEGS with SUP-HOSE and ORTHOPEDIC SHOES STEP DOWN on
  the top step.  Squad panics.  Tries to quietly hide the
  trunk.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            Oh well, then I'll put some cookies at
            the top of the stairs for you gals.

                      KANSAS
            Thanks!  That'd be great.

  Old legs START BACK UPSTAIRS.  Girls relax.  Legs STOP, TURN
  and head BACK DOWN.  Squad springs into action again.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            You got that big retarded girl down
            there?

                      KANSAS
            Uh...Yeah, Grandma.
                (to Hannah)
            She doesn't mean that.  Kinda lost the
            old filter with her last stroke.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            Then I'll throw a few more treats on the
            plate.  Where's my smokes?

                      KANSAS
            I'll get them before "Touched by an
            Angel," don't worry.

                      GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
            You damn well better...

  LEGS DISAPPEAR.  Squad relaxes.

                      CLEO
                (loud whisper)
            This is great.  What do we do?  Threaten
            people with a trunk full of parts?

                      FERN
            I'm sorry, you guys.  But when you're
            dealin' with South American Rebels, you
            kinda gotta take what you can get.

  Squad AD-LIBS their frustration.

                      DIANE
            Excuse me, but do you guys know what I
            don't see here?

  Squad AD-LIBS "No.  Uh-uh.  What?" etc...

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            I don't see a problem.  I see a great
            big craft project sitting right in front
            of us.  So, Kansas, get me some glue,
            tape and a nail file...

  The squad looks at each other as Diane rolls up her sleeves
  and reaches into the trunk.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Oh, and some Lysol if you have...

  MUSIC UP

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

  THE LIST

  3) "Rehearse Robbery" is CROSSED OFF

                                      DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

  Squad, set up for a girl party, is making a large HALLWAY
  POSTER ("Go Mighty Logs!") in the middle of sleeping bags. 
  They're laughing and having fun as Jack, in Video Barn
  uniform, ENTERS from the bedroom, kisses Diane on the head,
  waves good-bye to the squad and LEAVES.  All freeze for a
  beat, then quickly turn over the poster, revealing a detailed
  layout of the SAFEWAY/BANK BRANCH.

  Cleo opens her OVERNIGHT BAG and pulls out FIVE MODIFIED
  DOLLS - she CUT OUT their SCHOOL PICTURES and taped them over
  the dolls' faces.  ALL PLACE THEIR DOLL IN STARTING
  POSITIONS. 

  Cleo then pulls out a CONAN DOLL (Conan's face over a
  shirtless G.I. Joe) who sweeps "her" off her feet and takes
  her in frozen foods.

  Kansas grabs the Conan Doll, runs into the kitchen and shoves
  him head first down the garbage disposal.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - DAY

  THE LIST

  4) "Teach Farm Cheers" is CROSSED OFF.

                                      DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

  ON FAR LEFT

  Squad member does a short cheer sequence.  

  ON FAR RIGHT

  Fern does her version.  Unfortunately she lacks rhythm,
  coordination and any amount of sex appeal.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - DAY

  THE LIST

  Diane RE-WRITES "Teach Fern Cheers" then CROSSES OFF:

  5) "Buy baby shower invitations and cigarettes for felons."

                                      DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

  INT. LINCOLN DRUG STORE - DAY

  Diane and squad stand at the check-out.  Diane places SHOWER
  INVITATIONS on the counter.  The Older Saleswoman smiles
  warmly and touches Diane's belly.  Diane smiles, then points
  to the cartons of cigarettes behind the counter.  The woman
  frowns.  Diane smiles, points again and holds up ten fingers.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:


  CLOSE ON

  Log Mascot Head

                      BRUCE
                (muffled through head)
            Please join our "A" and "B" squad
            cheerleaders in a salute to winter
            sports!

  PULL BACK to REVEAL WE'RE:

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

  It's DECORATED for CHRISTMAS.  Fightin' Log Mascot now wears
  a Santa Hat and red scarf. 
  A JAZZ BAND on stage beside him starts up.  With a voice like
  JIM NEIGHBORS, Bruce TIPS the Mascot Head BACK and launches
  into the following to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed
  Reindeer."

                      BRUCE
                (singing slow intro)
            "I....see...girls swimming..."

  A HUMILIATED B-squad MEMBER - in swimsuit - ENTERS a SIDE
  DOOR and pretends to SWIM to CENTER COURT.

                      BRUCE (CONT'D)
            "Boys swimming..."

  Another B-squad MEMBER - dressed as a guy in a swimsuit -
  "swims" to CENTER COURT.

                      BRUCE (CONT'D)
            "Ooooh, they look chilllyyyyy..."

  Squad members pantomime this to the JEERS FROM THE CROWD.

                      BRUCE (CONT'D)
            "Volleyball for her..."

  B-squad MEMBER - in volleyball uniform - ENTERS and spikes a
  ball.  It gets away from her and she has to CHASE IT.  Crowd
  CHEERS AGAIN.

                      BRUCE (CONT'D)


			EXT. EXTERMINATION VAN - CONTINUOUS

  SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN.  One by one, the squad, dressed as
  PREGNANT BETTYS - MASKS ON, MATCHING JACKETS and each holding
  a BOX FOR LONG STEM ROSES - jump out.

  NEW ANGLE

  as the MOTION SLOWS and, like a shot out of "Tombstone," the
  LINE OF PREGNANT BETTYS disappear around the corner - coats
  blowing in the wind.

  ANGLE ON

  BACK DOOR ENTRANCE.  Cleo grabs the door handle - and it
  COMES OFF.

                      KANSAS
                (panting)
            Who are you - the goddamn Bionic Woman?!

                      CLEO
            I just pulled and it - it came off.

                      KANSAS
            This is great - GREAT!  Now we have to
            enter the front door!

                      CLEO
                (taking off her mask to breath)
            Look, it's really not my fault.

  Kansas jumps at her, pulling her mask back down.

                      KANSAS
            Hey!  Rule number one - never take off
            the mask!  Y'hear me!  No matter what
            happens, NEVER TAKE OFF THE MASK!

                      CLEO
            Sorry, Kansas...

                      KANSAS
                (out of her mind)
            NO-GAH-BUH- NO!  Rule number two - NO
            NAMES!  NO GODDAMN NAMES, you retard!

                      CLEO
            Oh for Chrissakes...
                (with emphasis)
            "White trash Betty."
                (back to normal)
            I didn't realize the rules went into
            effect before we entered Safeway.

                      KANSAS
                (pushing her for emphasis)
            Well, use your head, "Stalker Betty."

                      DIANE
            Bettys, stop it!  "The best squad is one
            that hopes for the best and prepares for
            the worst."  National High School
            Cheerleading Association letterhead. 
            Now, let's give a hands in...

  All form a circle, putting their right hands in.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            We're ready.  We're prepared.  And this
            is going to be the best bank robbery
            ever, because...

                      DIANE & SQUAD
                (loud whisper)
            Cheer-leaders kick...

  All swing arms overhead and SMACK THE "ASS" of the girl to
  their right. 

  MUSIC UP

  They start back around the corner.  Suddenly someone dressed
  as a PREGNANT NIXON turns the CORNER - all SCREAM!  

  MUSIC UNDER

                      NIXON
                (it's LUCY)
            SHH!  It's me.

                      DIANE
            Lucy?

                      KANSAS
            What the hell do you want?

                      LUCY
            I want to help.  I'm part of this
            squad...

                      HANNAH
                (nerves build to rage)
            Oh no!  You committed the ultimate sin -
            you left our squad to be with a guy. 
            And - and that guy is the Devil himself -
            'cause only the Devil would turn you
            against your sisters!

  All stare at her... then start to LAUGH.

                      DIANE
                (arm around Hannah)
            Hannah, you really have to stop taking
            that church stuff so literally.

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  EXT. SAFEWAY ENTRANCE - DAY

  ANGLE ON LINE

  Walking in SLOW MOTION, this time with the PREGNANT NIXON on
  the end.

  ANGLE BEHIND SQUAD

  as they STOP at the MAIN ENTRANCE.

  IN UNISON

  the squad TUCKS their BOXES tight under their right arms,
  then takes a step FORWARD - AUTOMATIC DOORS OPEN and they
  ENTER.

  INT. SAFEWAY - CONTINUOUS

  MUZAK PLAYS.  Squad steps off the black electronic met, then
  stops.  CUSTOMERS FALL SILENT.  It's a sight to behold.  Only
  MUZAK CONTINUES.

  Kansas holds up a hand and counts off ONE, TWO, THREE
  FINGERS.  All pull the RED RIBBON off their rose box with one
  hand - smoothly grabbing the guns they've glued and taped
  together with the other - as they move into their next
  position (Kansas and Hannah take point as Diane, Cleo, Lucy
  and Fern move into the bank branch).  Cleo fumbles with her
  box, dropping her gun.  The barrel falls off, CLANKING as it
  rolls away from her.  Nixon helps her stick it back together.

                      KANSAS
                (deep, strong guy voice)
            Okay, down on the ground!  Now!

  SOME PATRONS DROP to the ground.  Others STAND FROZEN. 
  They're confused.  Just the bank or everyone?

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            I said DOWN!

  A Safeway CASHIER ("witness" from opening) in front of them,
  stands trembling.

                      SAFEWAY CASHIER
            Uh, y-y-y-you robbin' the Safeway, or
            the bank?

                      KANSAS
            BANK!

                      SAFEWAY CASHIER
            S-s-so y'want everyone down?  O-or just
            the people at the b-b-bank branch?

  They never thought about that...

                      KANSAS
            All of you!

                      HANNAH
                (same time)
            Bank branch!

  People start to get down who were up, others get up who were
  down.  Kansas and Hannah look at each other a beat, then:

                      KANSAS
            Bank branch! 

                      HANNAH
                (same time)
            All of you!

  People start to MURMUR and, once again, reverse their
  positions.  Kansas and Hannah move together for a brief
  conference.

  SECURITY CAMERA POV

  Lucy and Cleo stand under it, shoulder to shoulder, inner
  hands joined, looking up.  Fern RUNS IN FRAME and JUMPS onto
  her HANDS.  They POP her up to their SHOULDERS making a
  STANDING PYRAMID.  Fern pulls out SPRAY PAINT and sprays over
  the SECURITY CAMERA LENS.

  ON KANSAS AND HANNAH

  conference ends.  They return to point positions.

                      KANSAS
            Bank branch only!  Everyone else - go on
            about your business!

  EVERYONE near the bank starts to get down.  Unable to "go
  about their business" with a robbery in progress, Safeway
  CUSTOMERS just stare.  After an uncomfortable beat.

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            Shit - EVERYBODY DOWN!

  MUSIC UP: LOUD ROCKIN' VERSION OF MUZAK

  Everyone goes ass-up.  Kansas and Hannah nod with their
  success, then shoulder their guns.

  ON LISA

  as she slowly gets on the floor - watching Lucy, Cleo and
  Fern spray painting the security camera.

  LISA'S POV

  as Lucy, Cleo and Fern do a HALF-SWAN DISMOUNT from the
  Pyramid.

  ON LISA

  as this stunt registers across her face - it's an illegal
  dismount!  She starts to count Bettys...

  ON DIANE

  in the bank branch, moving like a shark - never stopping -
  knowing exactly where everything is.

  ON LUCY, CLEO AND FERN

  as they RUN ACROSS to the other SECURITY CAMERA.  They pass
  Lisa, staring up at them.  Cleo steps on her ass as she
  crosses over.

  LISA'S POV

  as she hits the ground - noticing a POMPON STRING stuck in
  Fern's boot.  Lisa REACHES OUT - GOT IT!

  ON LISA

  as she pulls it in, under her body - EVIDENCE!

  ON DIANE

  Safe is OPEN.  Cleo and Fern join her, taking the MONEY BAGS. 
  They open them as Diane turns around with her first arm-load
  of cash.  (Lucy moved to her next position at the front
  door.)

                      FACTORY WORKER (O.S.)
            This here's bullshit!  That's what this
            is!

  ALL TURN and FREEZE.  MUSIC UNDER.

                      FERN
            Shit.

                      DIANE
                (whispered)
            I'm fine here - go help!

  ANGLE ON FACTORY WORKER ("Witness" from opening)

  wearing a "Lincoln, Local 186" cap.  He walks up the cereal
  aisle.

                      FACTORY WORKER
            Not gonna let some piece-a-shit Betty
            Doll tell me what to do...

  ON KANSAS AND HANNAH

  they turn to each other - shit!

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  as he continues toward them - REACHING INTO HIS BOOT AND
  PULLING OUT A KNIFE.

                      FACTORY WORKER (CONT'D)
            No-sireee-bob...

  ON KANSAS AND HANNAH

  Oh shit-oh-shit!  Cleo and Fern join them.

                      KANSAS
            Freeze or meet Jesus, Ass-hole!

  Kansas shoulders her gun.  The barrel starts to droop, the
  glue isn't holding.  She quickly reaches out to straighten
  it.

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  he stops, dead in his track.

                      FACTORY WORKER
            Don't we never take the Lord's son's
            name in vain around this part of the U-S
            A!

  He drops his 6-pack and starts to RUN AT THEM!

                      FACTORY WORKER (CONT'D)
            Ahhhhhhhh!

  ON THE GIRLS

  they're freaking out.

  ON CUSTOMERS

  bracing for the worst.

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  yelling and running.  SUDDENLY, the SOUND OF TEN ROUNDS in
  TWO SECONDS breaks the tension.  MOTION SLOWS as his hat
  EXPLODES OFF HIS HEAD.  His face registers absolute surprise
  as he falls back on his ass.

  ON THE GIRLS

  Hannah stands frozen, gun still at her shoulder, breathing
  hard.  All turn - SHE JUST SHOT A GUY!

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  spread eagle in the middle of the demolished aisle.  Cereal
  trickles down from punctured boxes on the shelves.

  Suddenly, he starts to move and slowly sits up.  Dazed and
  confused, only a piece of his union cap remains on his
  head...

  ON THE GIRLS

  they breathe a sigh of relief!

  Fern approaches Hannah.

                      FERN
                (sotto)
            Uh, I forgot to tell you sometimes when
            the rebels take the gun off a corpse,
            some live rounds get left in the drum.

                      HANNAH
                (complete shock)
            Good to know, Fern.  Good to know.

  MUSIC UP.

  ON DIANE 

  SHOVING CASH in the last money bag as Cleo and Fern return,
  GRAB THE OTHER FULL BAGS and GO!  Diane's about to close her
  bag when SNIFF...SNIFF... SNIFF - she turns toward the fish
  department, puts the BAG OVER HER MOUTH and goes down to
  puke.  BEAT.  She stands, pulling her mask back down, ties
  the bag and follows the others.

  ANGLE ON SQUAD

  as they run out together.  Fern watching the rear.  Diane
  sees Snickers near the door.  She's torn - THIS IS ONE TOUGH
  CRAVING! 
  Kansas motions for her to "C'mon, run!" but Diane can't.  She
  goes back for a Snickers.  She suddenly stops, digs in her
  pocket and tosses a bill to the Cashier.

  FADE OUT MUSIC.

                                                 DIP TO BLACK.

  OPTIONAL ROBBERY PAGES:

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  yelling and running.  SUDDENLY, the SOUND OF TEN ROUNDS in
  TWO SECONDS breaks the tension.  MOTION SLOWS as his hat
  EXPLODES OFF HIS HEAD.  His face registers absolute surprise
  as he falls back on his ass.

  ON THE GIRLS

  Hannah stands frozen, gun still at her shoulder, breathing
  hard.  All turn - SHE JUST SHOT A GUY!

  ON FACTORY WORKER

  spread eagle in the middle of the demolished aisle.  Cereal
  trickles down from punctured boxes on the shelves.

  Suddenly, he starts to move and slowly sits up.  Dazed and
  confused, only a piece of his union cap remains on his
  head...

  ON THE GIRLS

  they breathe a sigh of relief!

                      HANNAH
                (complete shock)
            I feel like freakin' David and Goliath.

  MUSIC UP.

  ON DIANE 

  SHOVING CASH in the last money bag as Cleo and Fern return,
  GRAB THE OTHER FULL BAGS and GO!  Diane's about to close her
  bag when SNIFF...SNIFF... SNIFF - she turns toward the fish
  department, puts the BAG OVER HER MOUTH and goes down to
  puke.  BEAT.  She stands, pulling her mask back down, ties
  the bag and follows the others.

  ANGLE ON SQUAD

  as they run out together.  Fern watching the rear.  Diane
  sees Snickers near the door. 
  She's torn - THIS IS ONE TOUGH CRAVING!  Kansas motions for
  her to "C'mon, run!" but Diane can't.  She goes back for a
  Snickers.  She suddenly stops, digs in her pocket and tosses
  a bill to the Cashier.

  FADE OUT MUSIC.

                                                 DIP TO BLACK.

  FADE IN:

  ON TV SCREEN - NEWS CAMERA POV

  EXT. SAFEWAY - DAY

  An animated Lisa talks to a MALE REPORTER.  In the B.G. the
  place buzzes with POLICE, PARAMEDICS and CRIME SCENE TECHS. 
  "LIVE" flashes across the bottom of the screen.

                      LISA
                (ranting)
            ...I'm walking evidence!  One of them
            stopped my ass!
                (turning ass to camera)
            Can you get a shot of it!?
                (calling to tech)
            Hey, can someone dust my ass for prints
            over here?!

  The male reporter waves TWO PARAMEDICS OVER - signaling
  "crazy" and pointing to Lisa.

                      LISA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            I immediately started helping local
            police with their investigation.

                      LISA (CONT'D)
            Oh, wait - I almost forgot!  I-I found
            this!!!

  She pulls out the pompon string (from Fern's boot) and hands
  it up proudly as two PARAMEDICS take her arms and try to lead
  her away.  Lisa struggles to show her pompon string to
  camera.

  IN EXTREME F.G. - a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FLOATS PAST

  PULL BACK to reveal we're watching a TV.  More money floats
  past IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN.  

  CONTINUE TO PULL BACK to REVEAL WE'RE:

  INT. KANSAS' BASEMENT - HOUR AFTER ROBBERY

  Diane, Cleo, Hannah and Lucy are laughing, throwing and
  rolling around in the money as the TV continues to play
  "LIVE" from the scene.  They're all in their undies (find out
  why in a second) - money stuffed everywhere.  Diane goes back
  to hanging freshly washed bills (from the barf bag) to dry.

                      CLEO
            Can you guys believe this?  We're like
            celebrities!

                      LUCY
            Better enjoy it now.  'Cause tomorrow
            some little kid falls down a well and
            we're nothing but a distant memory.

  Kansas enters from a back room.

                      KANSAS
            Disguises incinerated!

  Squad CHEERS and throws money at her.

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            Bad news, Di, there's one thing we just
            couldn't fit in the furnace...

  ANGLE ON FERN

  pushing a DOUBLE CRIB.  It's filled with baby items, stuffed
  animals, etc.

                      DIANE
            Oh my G-d!  A real crib!  You guys -
            thank you!  Can you believe we did it!?
                (reality hits)
            I mean, we did it.  We REALLY DID IT!

  Squad CHEERS and starts to throw money around again.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            I guess no one could've predicted the
            shit-storm that was about to hit.  The
            only thing people cared about, thought
            about or talked about was the robbery. 
            Everyone had a theory.
					  
  EXT. SAFEWAY - SAME DAY

  NEWS CAMERA POV

  Safeway Cashier talks into an "Action News '98" mic.

                      SAFEWAY CASHIER
            ...well, judging by the way the robbers
            practically flew up to spray paint
            security cameras, I think it was an
            Asian gang.  As a people, they tend to
            be quite tiny and very acrobatic...

                      LISA (V.O.)
            That's all it took, then the next thing
            you know...

                                                 SMASH CUT TO:

  EXT. "DIM-SUM CHARLIE'S" CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

  S.W.A.T. MEMBERS surround this Americanized Chinese
  restaurant - machine guns at the ready.  SUDDENLY, a small
  frightened Asian man walks out, hands in the air.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            ...Dim-Sum Charlie's being hauled in for
            questioning...

  INT. SAFEWAY - BANK BRANCH - NEXT DAY

  NEWS CAMERA POV

  BANK BRANCH WORKER talks into a "Channel 5" mic.

                      BANK BRANCH WORKER
            I think it was five pregnant women, mmm
            hmmm.  My wife and I have two babies of
            our own and there's no accounting for
            the things they'll do when they're in
            that "condition."  One night my wife
            came home from work and she just kicked
            me in the balls.  To this day, I don't
            know what came over her - just kicked me
            in the balls.

  INT. LA MAZE CLASSROOM - NIGHT

  A POLICE OFFICER stands beside a POLICE SKETCH of a PREGNANT
  BETTY.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            From there, the town just seemed to go
            ape-shit...

  PREGNANT WOMEN YELL and point at ANOTHER PREGNANT WOMAN
  they've cornered.  UNFORTUNATELY she looks just like a WENDY
  DOLL. 
  Her husband tries unsuccessfully to prevent TWO OFFICERS from
  taking her away.  The squad sits quietly - horrified by this
  witch hunt.

  EXT. FACTORY - DAY

  NEWS CAMERA POV

  Factory Worker talks into an "ABC" mic.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            News of this didn't stop at the border
            of Lincoln County.  This thing spread
            faster than a canker sore on the girls'
            swim team.  Someone in Lincoln would say
            something like...

                      FACTORY WORKER
            It was a bunch of faggots!  Sure-as
            (BEEP).  They was dressed like a bunch
            of freakin' Wendy Dolls, for chrissakes. 
            They had faggoty little voices.
                (removing charred cap)
            And only a buncha G-d-(BEEP) queer'd
            shoot up a union cap!

                      LISA (V.O.)
            All of a sudden...

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. JERRY SPRINGER SET - DAY

  JERRY SPRINGER talks INTO CAMERA from the audience.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            It's on Jerry-fuckin'-Springer!

                      JERRY SPRINGER
            ...today, we'll meet a growing number of
            transvestites who don't just like to
            dress up as women, they like to dress as
            pregnant women.  When we return,
            "Transvestites with a Twist."

  ON STAGE

  TWO TOUGH-LOOKING MEN, dressed as pregnant women, stare out
  at the audience.

                      LISA (V.O.)
                (alternate line)
            I'm not talking "Maury" or "Leeza." 
            This thing was definitely huge!

  EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DAY

  A POLICE CAR with TWO OFFICERS cruises a neighborhood street. 
  They pass DONUTS back and forth to each other.  Through their
  windscreen, we see TWO SMALL CHILDREN WEARING WENDY MASKS
  playing "cops and robbers."

                      ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)
            In other news...oh, did you hear about
            the six-armed Betty Dolls that robbed a
            bank the other day?

                      HOWARD STERN (V.O.)
            Oh man, that's so my fantasy - life size
            Bettys tellin' me what to do.  "Get down
            on the ground, you filthy man."  Yes,
            Giant Betty.  "Bend over!"  Yes,
            Mistress Betty.

                      ROBIN QUIVERS (V.O.)
            They were pregnant.

                      HOWARD STERN (V.O.)
            What?!  Knocked-up Bettys?!  Couldn't-a
            been Ken, his schlong is molded to his
            body.  Hey, at the police line-up, they
            should just see whose knees can bend the
            wrong way...

  INT. "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" SET - DAY

  BOB GOEN sits at the anchor desk.

                      BOB GOEN
            ...when we come back, a behind the
            scenes look at Fox's week long series,
            "When Bettys Attack."

                                        TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. ESPN SET - NIGHT

  DAN PATRICK sits behind the desk.

                      DAN PATRICK
            Tonight in St. Louis, bottom of the
            ninth...

  GAME FOOTAGE OF THE FOLLOWING:

                      DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            Ramirez with the pitch... McGwire
            gone...

  FOLLOW BALL...

                      DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            McGwire goes yard for the forty-second
            time this season...

  ANGLE ON STANDS

  FANS, dressed as PREGNANT BETTYS (masks, jackets, etc.),
  reach up for the ball.  One catches it, holds it up and waves
  to the crowd.

                      DAN PATRICK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
            ...right into a waiting pack of pregnant
            Bettys.

  INT. ESPN SET - CONTINUOUS

                      DAN PATRICK
            Did I say that right?  A "pack" of
            Bettys?  It might be a "gaggle" of
            Bettys...

                                        TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

  EXT. "SOUTH PARK" - ANIMATION FOOTAGE

  ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TOWN

  SFX: A KID PARTY

  INT. KENNY'S BASEMENT - DAY

  A COSTUME PARTY is in full "swing."  Guys (not in costume) on
  one side, girls (in costume) on the other.

                      KENNY
                (mumbled, pointing O.C.)
            What the hell?!

  The GROUP OF GUYS TURN to see CARTMAN, dressed as a PREGNANT
  BETTY - machine gun in hand, approaching.

                      KYLE
            What the hell are you s'posed to be?

                      CARTMAN
            I'm a bank-robbin' Betty.

                      STAN
            You're not a bank-robbin' Betty - you're
            a fat fuck in drag...

                      CARTMAN
            I am not a fat fuck in drag!!!

  Cartman opens fire, KILLING KENNY.

                                        TV STATIC DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. "LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN" SET - NIGHT

  Conan and Andy sit at a desk.  Conan talks to camera.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            Then it happened - the moment I'd been
            waiting for!  Our dip-shits in blue
            finally followed up on my evidence...

                      CONAN
            ...they now believe a group of young
            women are responsible for the Betty Bank
            Robbery.  
                (to Andy)
            I've said for years the Betty Doll was a
            bad influence on young girls.

                      ANDY
            You sure have...can't shut you up about
            your Bettys.

                      CONAN
                (laughing)
            That's right.  Now, I mean I'm no
            authority on young girls.  
                (mugging to camera)
            Or am I?
                (to Andy, laughing)
            That was kinda creepy.

                      ANDY
            Do you have to notify police if you
            move?

  SPLIT-SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - DAY

  with

  INT. KANSAS' BEDROOM - DAY

  ON LEFT

  Diane on phone with:

  ON RIGHT

  Kansas on the phone.

                      KANSAS
            It was Lucy!  Lucy went to the cops!

                      DIANE
            Remember, Kansas, every time you point a
            finger you've got three more pointing
            back at you.

                      KANSAS
            She's been the weak tit on this mama cat
            since the beginning.

  SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP

                      KANSAS (CONT'D)
            That you?

                      DIANE
            Yeah, hold on.

                      KANSAS
            Just call me later.  I gotta get some
            smokes for Grandma.

                      DIANE
            Don't use big bills!

                      KANSAS
            For a pack of cigs?  I use her food
            stamps.

  Diane presses her receiver and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT (PUSHING
  KANSAS OFF) as Hannah, on the phone, FILLS IN ON THE LEFT.

  SPLIT SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  with

  INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                      DIANE
            Hello?

                      HANNAH
                (freaking out)
            We're dead!  They showed this prison
            movie to my youth group on Sunday.

                      DIANE
            Hannah, we've...

                      HANNAH
            It wasn't like the prison we saw - all
            these women had to shave their heads
            because they got lice from the filthy
            lives they'd lived!  Oh G-d, I'm gonna
            be someone's bald bitch!

  SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP

                      DIANE
            Ooops, hold on a sec.

  Hannah continues to rant as Diane PRESSES her receiver and
  SLIDES SCREEN LEFT (PUSHING the ranting Hannah OFF) as Lucy,
  on phone, SLIDES ON, SCREEN RIGHT.

  SPLIT SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  with

  INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

                      LUCY
            Di, it's Luce.  Kansas just called and
            said she's going to "fuck me up!"  Then
            I heard coughing, a thud and Kansas had
            to go.  I think her Grandma had another
            heart attack.  Anyway, why does she want
            to "fuck me up?"

                      DIANE
            She thinks you went to the police.

                      LUCY
            WHAT?!  That's insane!!!  Why would I go
            to the police?

  SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP

                      DIANE
            I've got to get that.  Relax.  I'll see
            you tomorrow.

  SPLIT SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  with

  INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

  An exasperated Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES
  SCREEN RIGHT, PUSHING LUCY OUT as Hannah - STILL RANTING -
  COMES BACK IN SCREEN LEFT.

                      HANNAH
            ...my Sunday School teacher says that in
            prison, women shove broom sticks up
            your...

                      DIANE
            Hold on...

  Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN LEFT,
  PUSHING HANNAH OUT, DIM SUM CHARLIE, on prison phone - SLIDES
  ON, SCREEN RIGHT.

  SPLIT SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  with

  INT. JAIL PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

                      DIANE
            Yeah?

                      DIM SUM CHARLIE
                (screaming in Chinese)
            Oh thank Buddha it's you, Kim-Lo, I'm
            being held against my will, my civil
            rights have been violated and it took
            four days to make this one phone call...

                      DIANE
            Hello?

                      DIM SUM CHARLIE
            Kim-Lo?

                      DIANE
            No.  This is Diane.  I think you have
            the wrong number.

  SFX: CALL WAITING BEEP

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Ooops, that's me -- gotta run!

                      DIM SUM CHARLIE
                (about to kill himself)
            Wrong number  Nooooooo!

  Diane presses her receiver again and SLIDES SCREEN RIGHT,
  PUSHING DIM SUM CHARLIE OFF, as Cleo, on phone, SLIDES ON,
  SCREEN LEFT.

  SPLIT SCREEN

  INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

  with

  INT. CLEO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

                      DIANE
            Hello?

                      CLEO
            Di?  I just called to say that Conan
            talked about us again last night.

                      DIANE
                (first smile in a while)
            Thanks, Cleo.  See you tomorrow.

                      CLEO
            Bye.

  Diane and Cleo hang up.  SPLIT SCREEN DROPS DOWN.  Hannah,
  still ranting, DROPS IN - FULL FRAME.

  INT. HANNAH'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                      HANNAH
            ...and a "bitch slap."  I bet that
            really hurts!

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY

  CLOSE ON

  Foggy mirror.  A HAND WIPES IT CLEAR, revealing Diane (SAME
  AS OPENING).

                      DIANE
                (still perky)
            Morning, sunshine. 
            Remember, except for the morning
            sickness, blinding back pain and
            embarrassingly unpredictable gas - these
            are the best days of your life.

  She starts to EXIT, then RETURNS.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            So far.

  She BUCKS HER CHIN, attempts a smile and starts to EXIT.

                      DIANE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
            Hey, hey, hey, not so fast...

  Diane returns to the mirror.

                      DIANE (CONT'D)
            Following your dream is not a crime. 
            Nobody suspects you.  Nobody has a clue.

  MUSIC UP

  ALSO CUE: CHANTS AND CHEERS

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY

  MOTION SLOWS as squad, in uniform, walks toward camera in a
  line across the hall.  Their CONFIDENT FACES quickly turn to
  worry.

  ANGLE ON

  STUDENTS, quickly moving out of their way.

  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - LUNCH ROOM - DAY

  Squad (still in uniform) sit self-consciously at a table, no
  one around them.  WIDEN TO REVEAL students are crushed at the
  opposite side of the lunchroom.  Lisa and the B-squad
  approach.

                      LISA
            Hey guys.  Someone not take a shower
            today?

  The B-squad smiles and chuckles at this.

                      KANSAS
            Hey Lisa, did you run into Carmen
            Electra last summer?

                      LISA
            No.

                      KANSAS
            Oh.  'Cause is looks like you got some
            of her tits in you...

  A-squad can't help but laugh.  Lisa angrily hands Diane a
  letter.

                      LISA
            This just came from the National High
            School Cheerleading Association.  You
            might want to look it over before you
            try any more "cradle dismounts from
            double base partner stunts that are over
            shoulder stand level without using three
            catchers."  Oh, or before you think
            about robbing another bank.

  SQUAD FREEZE with these WORDS.  Suddenly, the lunchroom is
  FLOODED with S.W.A.T. MEMBERS.  It's PANDEMONIUM.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

  We're back with Lisa and the FBI AGENT.  Lisa has drawn
  moustaches, beards, blacked-out teeth, etc. on the A-squad
  MUG SHOTS.

                      LISA
            ...and that's why I came forward.  I
            mean, even the kids on the short bus can
            see that all the evidence points to
            Diane and the A-squad.

                      FBI AGENT
            Sure does.  Your testimony will prove
            invaluable.

                      LISA
            Unfortunately, it wasn't them.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. APARTMENT - DAY

  THE LIST

  "Get Alibi" is CROSSED OFF.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            They were all waiting in my Suburban
            while I ran into the Safeway that day
            for cash...

                                      DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:


  INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

  MUSIC UP

  Lisa, now the A-squad Captain, is leading a cheer.

                      LISA (V.O.)
            We were on our way to practice.  Now, I
            really need to get going, 'cause nobody
            ever got ahead by sitting on their
            behind...

  She's competent, not great.  Squad, including Fern, is
  thrilled to be cheering.  Diane, very pregnant, SMILES and
  WAVES from the stands.

  END MUSIC

                                                 DIP TO BLACK.



  MUSIC UP OVER END CREDITS

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  a smiling Hannah.

  SUPER: HANNAH USED HER MONEY TO START A SMALL BUSINESS.

  PULL BACK to REVEAL she's sitting on a HORSE beside a sign:
  "WOLD RIDING SCHOOL."

  SUPER: THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RIDING SCHOOL IN THE STATE.

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  A GLAMOROUS FERN 

  SUPER: FERN GREW INTO HER LOOKS.

  PULL BACK to REVEAL Fern is wearing camouflage and posing
  with a large semi-automatic on the cover of "SOLDIER OF
  FORTUNE" magazine.

  HEADLINE READS: "High-paid Women Assassins - Can They Have It
  All?"

  SUPER: AND USED HER MONEY TO TRAVEL THE WORLD.

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  A JUDGE who appears to be reading a verdict.  PULL BACK to
  REVEAL Kansas and MRS. HILL anxiously awaiting his verdict.

  SUPER: KANSAS USED HER MONEY TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY WHO FOUND AN
  OLD PIONEER LAW STILL ON THE BOOKS IN LINCOLN COUNTY.

  SUPER: IF A WOMAN IS IN LABOR FOR LONGER THAN 18-HOURS - SHE
  CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS... MRS. HILL WAS IN
  LABOR FOR 32-HOURS.  SHE WAS RELEASED IMMEDIATELY.

  PHOTO: 

  Lucy, in graduation cap and gown, waves from an auditorium
  stage at HARVARD.  

  SUPER: LUCY USED HER MONEY TO GO TO HARVARD.  SHE GRADUATED
  WITH A DEGREE IN QUANTUM PHYSICS.

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  Pizza deliver box.

  SUPER: WHILE STUDYING LATE ONE NIGHT, SHE HAD AN IDEA FOR A
  PIZZA DELIVERY BOX THAT WOULD ACTUALLY KEEP THE PIZZA HOT.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  PHOTO: AERIAL VIEW

  of a LUSH TROPICAL ISLAND.  

  SUPER: SHE NOW OWNS THE ISLAND OF GUANA, B.V.I.

  INT. CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW - NIGHT

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  Cleo's smiling face.  

  SUPER: CLEO USED HER MONEY TO MOVE TO HOLLYWOOD.

  PHOTO

  PULL BACK to REVEAL she's wearing a ripped dress - "new"
  boobs bursting out.

  SUPER: WHERE SHE MET THE PRODUCER OF SCREAM VIII...

  PHOTO

  PULL BACK to REVEAL it's a MOVIE POSTER for SCREAM VIII. 
  KILLERS are behind her, holding knives and wearing BETTY
  MASKS.

  SUPER: THEY WERE LAST SEEN BUYING LEATHER FURNITURE IN SOHO.

  PHOTO

  CONTINUE PULLING BACK to REVEAL she's on "THE LATE SHOW WITH
  CONAN O'BRIEN."  Conan O'Brien is holding the poster between
  them.  She's laughing at something he's saying.

  SUPER: SHE GOT GOOD REVIEWS AND HER LIFE-LONG DREAM FINALLY
  CAME TRUE.

  EXT. POLITICA RALLY STAGE - DAY

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  a smiling Jack and Diane - looking more mature and more in
  love.

  SUPER: JACK AND DIANE DID NOT USE THEIR MONEY TO BUY BIRTH
  CONTROL.

  PHOTO

  PULL BACK to REVEAL they're surrounded by FOUR BEAUTIFUL
  CHILDREN - TWINS are five, others are THREE and TWO.  Diane
  holds the youngest.

  SUPER: AFTER THE TWINS - LIL' DEBBIE AND TRIX - WERE BORN,
  JACK'S POLITICAL ADVISORS STARTED HIS SENATORIAL CAMPAIGN.

  PHOTO

  CONTINUE TO PULL BACK to REVEAL the VIDEO RETARDS (now in
  suits) on either side of Jack and Diane.

  SUPER: THEY WON.

  PHOTO

  PAN UP to REVEAL LARGE BANNER: "Congratulations Senator
  Bartlett" hanging above them.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

  INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  Diane, smiling from ear to ear.

  SUPER: DIANE KEPT BUSY RAISING THE KIDS AND RUNNING THE
  "DIANE BARTLETT UNWED MOTHER SCHOLARSHIP FUND FOR
  CHEERLEADERS."...

  PULL BACK to REVEAL she's on an auditorium stage, handing a
  LARGE CHECK to a very PREGNANT CHEERLEADER.

  SUPER: SO NO CHEERLEADER WOULD EVER HAVE TO ROB A BANK. 
  AGAIN.

  EXT. WEDDING - DAY

  PHOTO: CLOSE ON

  Lisa smiling in a wedding gown.

  SUPER: AND LISA...

  PHOTO

  WIDEN to REVEAL BRUCE IS HER GROOM.

  SUPER: SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT BRUCE.

                                                FADE TO BLACK.


  The End