Superbad Movie Script
SUPERBAD Written by Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg July 20, 2006 OPENING CREDITS OVER SUPER-FUNKY BLAXPLOITATION-STYLE MUSIC, which builds to an exciting crescendo filling us with the expectation of a thrilling, action-packed opening sequence. Instead we get: INT. SETH'S CAR - MORNING Seth, seventeen, a bit heavyset, in the midst of a sad attempt at growing a goatee and clearly a terrible driver, cruises along while fiddling with the CD player. He pulls out his cell and dials. SETH Yo. INTERCUT WITH: INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 2 2 Evan, seventeen, a little too tall and slim, a boy who clearly never figured out how to style his hair, is finishing off a bowl of cereal. He is on his cell phone. EVAN What's up? SETH I was doing research last night, for next year, and I think I'm gonna go with Bang Bus. EVAN Which one's Bang Bus? SETH The one where they bang the chicks on the bus. Thirteen bucks a month. Total access, live Web Cam feed. The works. It'll be like I'm on the bus, banging them myself. EVAN That stuff's bullshit, they're all faking it. And plus, your parents are gonna look at the bill. SETH It shows up under a different name. (beat) I hope. Bang Bus. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 2. 2 CONTINUED: 2 SETH (CONT'D) That wouldn't look good. Maybe I should just pick the one with the least dirty sounding name. EVAN Weapons of Ass Destruction's out then. Seth pulls up in front of a house. SETH I could tell my parents I'm doing a project on Rome and I have to research orgies. EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 3 3 Evan walks out his front door. WE REVEAL he is walking towards Seth's car. EVAN (still into phone) Yeah. Just tell them your taking a class on blow jobs. They both hang up and Evan gets in the car. Seth is about to pull away, when EVAN'S MOTHER comes out the front door. EVAN'S MOM Thanks for taking him, Seth. Evan changes the radio station. Seth slaps his hand. SETH Don't touch that! EVAN'S MOM You two are so funny. I can't imagine what you'll do without each other next year. Evan told me you didn't get into State. SETH Yeah, you know. I got some other places. Good places. I think we'll be fine. EVAN'S MOM Are you going to miss each other? EVAN Miss each other? No! (CONTINUED) 3. 3 CONTINUED: 3 SETH That's disgusting. MOM Bye, boys. Seth and Evan drive off. SETH I am truly, truly jealous that you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. EVAN Fuck you, man. EXT. CLARK SECONDARY- SOON AFTER 4 4 They drive up to Clark Secondary. There is a giant sign that reads "Seniors - Two Glorious Weeks Until Graduation". Seth turns into the STAFF parking lot. INT/EXT. 7-11 STORE - MOMENTS LATER 5 5 Seth and Evan walk past a group of smokers, towards the 7-11. EVAN You're being an idiot, man. You really shouldn't park there. SETH Fuck it. I'm a senior about to graduate. They should be suckin' my balls. It's the least they can do for stealing three years of my life. They walk past DIMITRI (18, big Native American guy) as they enter the store. Dimitri aggressively bumps his shoulder into Seth. EVAN What the hell's wrong with Dimitri? SETH Oh, yeah dude, I forgot to tell you. I knocked the fuckin' shit out of him in capture the flag last week. EVAN Good! 9th Grade Camp he gave me whiplash in "King of the Ring." I fucking hate that guy. They go to the magazine rack and stare at a Maxim cover. (CONTINUED) 4. 5 CONTINUED: 5 EVAN (CONT'D) Look at those nipples. SETH They're like baby toes. EVAN It's not fair. I have to hide every erection I get. SETH Sometimes I get boners so big I can't hide them. And then I get nervous and my heart starts pounding, and it all just, like, feeds my boner. It just becomes this...thing...that's attached to me. And it won't go away. EVAN Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and they actually wanted to see `em, like this shit. SETH You know it's been, like, a year and a half since I've seen an actual human female nipple. Besides my mom's. I saw it last month, and it was sick. EVAN Holy shit. Liat was two years ago? I guess so. She was insanely hot, though. SETH Exactly. Too hot. That's what sucks. EVAN How can that possibly suck? I'd be fuckin' psyched if I'd gotten with a girl that hot. You got, like, two dozen handjobs! SETH And three quarters of a blowjob, But that was fuckin' it. It was the peak of my ass- gettin' career, and it happened way, way, way too early. EVAN You're like Orson Welles. (CONTINUED) 5. 5 CONTINUED: (2) 5 SETH Exactly! If I'd built up to it, I'd probably at least be having steady sex with a mediocre-looking girl at this point. I honestly now see why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death. EVAN You'll have sex in college. Everyone does. And if not, you'll have the Bang Bus. SETH But the key is to be good at sex by the time you're in college. You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking. EVAN I still think you've got a chance with Jules. She got mad hot over last summer, and clearly hasn't realized it, `cause she still flirts with you. SETH Are you joking, man? Let's see here...she dated Dan Remick, Matt Muir, Josh Corber and what's-his-face. All of those were cool guys. She's been hot way longer than you think. Why would she end her high school career with me? EVAN Well, Helen got with Ariel Shafir. SETH Yeah, and he was a complete fucking loser. You're a step up from that. Which is why you should stop being a pussy and do her! You could nailthe shit out of her for, like, two months before you leave. That bitch looks like a good fucker. EVAN Hey! I'm sick of you talking about her like that, man! Evan starts to walk out. Seth follows. SETH What, you can talk about that bitch all day every single day, but I can't say one thing about her? (CONTINUED) 6. 5 CONTINUED: (3) 5 EVAN I don't constantly insult her. SETH I didn't insult her! I said she looks like a good fucker! She looks like she can take a dick. That's a good thing. Some women pride themselves on their dick- taking abilities. EXT. 7-11 - CONTINUOUS 6 6 Seth and Evan come out the front doors. TERRY, one of the rough-looking smokers, calls out. TERRY Yo. Seth. Did you hear I'm having the big grad party? Evan, a little scared, keeps his distance. SETH No. TERRY Yeah. Terry spits on Seth's shirt. TERRY (CONT'D) And you're not coming. Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't come either. Seth wipes the spit off. He looks at Terry and seems as though he's about to say something, but is interrupted when Terry starts hocking up more spit. Seth runs away as Terry and his friends laugh. He catches up to Evan and they head back to school. EVAN Wow. You really bitched out on that one. SETH I bitched out? You bitched out! You were across the street before I even realized what was going on. (beat) That guy's such a douche bag. EXT. CLARK SECONDARY OVAL RUNNING TRACK - DAY 7 7 (CONTINUED) 7. 7 CONTINUED: 7 BIRD'S EYE VIEW OF A P.E. CLASS There are 30 guys standing behind the starting line of the school's track. We hear a TEACHER yell "Go!" and the boys start running. We FOLLOW them from above. All the boys keep pretty much the same pace except for one runner who slowly lags behind. The group gets so far ahead of the him that he is alone in the frame. He stops. CLOSE UP OF THE RUNNER: Kneeling on the track breathing heavily. It's Seth. SETH (panting) This...is...bullshit. A moment later a KID with prosthetic leg jogs by. KID (as he passes Seth) Poo-say. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CLASSROOM - DAY 8 8 Evan is sitting in math class staring at HELEN'S breasts. She`s a very tall girl and is athletic in a sexy way, wearing volleyball team sweat pants and a tank top. He looks up from her breasts to her face: she is staring right at him. He immediately looks to the front of the class, embarrassed. The bell rings and everyone leaves. Helen walks up to Evan as they enter the hallway. He's really nervous. She offers him a pen. HELEN Hey Evan, thanks for the pen. EVAN Oh, don't worry, no worries. Just keep it. Then you'll just have it, and you won't have to borrow another pen. HELEN Thanks...uh...I was going to ask you, did you hear about Terry's grad party? It's going to be so insane. EVAN Yeah, it's a maybe. But, you know, I gotta, I got my... (MORE) (CONTINUED) 8. 8 CONTINUED: 8 EVAN (CONT'D) there's so much other fun shit that is going to be going on that night...so, you know... HELEN Fun shit? But I, like, never see you at any parties or anything. EVAN Because of all the other fun shit I'm off doing. HELEN (playful) Okay. So why weren't you at Dimitri's party on Saturday? EVAN Dimitri's? I uh...didn't want to go, because, well, I did other stuff. Saturday... (nervous, he desperately thinks) Oh yeah! Saturday night was awesome! (The real version of Evan's story is shown through a montage of quick flashbacks.) EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O) First my parents went out to a double feature, so a bunch of people came over... INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT 9 9 Seth is there. Evan and him are surfing the Bang Bus web site. FOGELL arrives with a bottle of Sambuca. Fogell is one of those seniors who looks like he's thirteen years old. EVAN ...and we had a couple drinks in my basement... An empty bottle of Sambuca in front of them and empty beer cans at their feet, the three boys each shotgun a beer. EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O) ...and Seth's parents were having this cocktail party, and we went over there to, like, mingle... 9. INT SETH'S HOUSE - NIGHT 10 10 Seth's parents are having a fancy cocktail party. The boys are drunk as hell. EVAN ...and there were actually some really interesting and, like, entertaining people there... The boys laugh hysterically as they each shake Tobassco Sauce onto their tongues. They writhe around in agony as several adults look at them like they are morons. EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O.) ...and, uh, then we saw some, uh, live music. INT. SETH'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT 11 11 In Seth's basement, the boys violently wrestle. Evan gives Fogell a bloody nose, but they all can't help but laugh. EVAN ...then we went to a club downtown... EXT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 12 12 The bouncer of a dirty strip club rejects them. EVAN ...and then we pretty much called it a night and went home... INT. TBD HOUSE - NIGHT 13 13 Evan pukes all over Seth. Evan and Fogell laugh hysterically as Seth yells at them. INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - DAY 14 14 We return to Evan talking to Helen in the halls. EVAN ...you would've loved it. HELEN That sounds so fun. I would love to go do something like that. (CONTINUED) 10. 14 CONTINUED: 14 EVAN Yeah...well, you know, me and Seth are always cooking up...uh...fun little...events. Helen is disappointed in his response. HELEN So, are you guys going to the same school next year? EVAN Nah. We were going to but, uh, we got into different ones. HELEN What are you going to do without him? EVAN Same shit I've always been doing. It'll be fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not. INT. FOODS AND NUTRITION ROOM - NEXT PERIOD 15 15 Students file into the home economics room. The blackboard reads, TODAY: TIRAMISU. The ingredients are listed below. Seth is talking to the cooking teacher. SETH Mrs. Grier, I joined this class because I thought I'd be cooking with a partner. It's not fair. She's never here. I don't get twice the marks for doing all the work. MRS. GREIR I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth. SETH Look at Evan. Evan is playfully throwing flour at a tiny Japanese boy. They both laugh hard. SETH (CONT'D) While I'm over in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible-tasting food because I can't even properly mix ingredients by myself, I gotta look over at that. (CONTINUED) 11. 15 CONTINUED: 15 The Japanese boy ties Evan's apron. Evan then turns around and ties the boy's apron. They both look happy. SETH (CONT'D) I wash and dry. And that is B.S. I'm like a single mother. MRS. GREIR Well, save it for next week. Today Jules' partner isn't here either. Pair up with her. Station four. SETH Jules? The teacher walks away. Seth looks over to station four, nervous as hell. ANGLE ON: Jules, well-dressed and "popular" looking. She stands alone at station four, laying out utensils. Seth musters his courage and walks towards Jules. He stops, unsure of what to say. JULES Hey Seth, your partner didn't come again? SETH That's kind of a personal question. JULES What? SETH (nervous) Nothing. It was my attempt at humour. JULES Well, uh, maybe I kidnapped her so you'd be forced to work with me. There's my attempt at humour. SETH Well, I would call that a success. (reading recipe sheet) Marscampone... scamponee cheese? Is that some kind of new cheese or something? JULES All cheese tastes the same to me anyway. SETH Except blue cheese. That stuff is sick. (CONTINUED) 12. 15 CONTINUED: (2) 15 JULES Thank you! Yes! My older brother always eats blue cheese. You know that stuff is actually moldy. Like, they tell you it's moldy, then they tell you to eat it anyway. SETH Well whoever "they" are, they can eat my dick. INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM - LATER 16 16 Jules watches as Seth awkwardly removes the tiramisu from the oven and places it on the table. JULES What are you doing tonight? SETH I don't know, probably nothing. Why? JULES My parents are out of town and I'm thinking of having a party. I don't know how big it'll be, but you should come anyways. SETH Yeah. Sure. That sounds fun. I love parties. JULES Really? I don't usually see you at them. SETH Oh, uh. It's more of, like, a love-hate thing. Right now I love them, though. Uh...how do I do this? JULES I'll write down my address and number. ANGLE ON: Evan. Evan is standing by the sink scrubbing a tray. Behind him, at the table, is the small Japanese boy eating the tiramisu. EVAN That's good shit. Huh, Miroki? Seth walks up to Evan. (CONTINUED) 13. 16 CONTINUED: 16 SETH (whispering) Dude! She's havin' a fuckin' party. ANGLE ON: Fogell entering the room SETH (CONT'D) (whispering) Don't tell Fogell about the party. FOGELL Hey guys, I was walking here, and on the way, I saw Nicola, and she was wearing these tight white pants and a black g- string and you could see it right through the pants. INT. HALLWAY (FLASHBACK) - EARLIER 17 17 We see Fogell, looking at the ass of NICOLA, an incredibly hot girl who exudes sexual vibes and looks a little skanky; you can see her black g-string through her tight white pants. She turns and notices Fogell. He gives an awkward look. FOGELL It's nine thirty. NICOLA What? INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (PRESENT) - CONTINUOUS 18 18 Back to Fogell, Seth and Evan. FOGELL I told her what time it was. It was awesome. She's got the nicest ass. SETH Like you'd know what to do with it. FOGELL Ha ha. I'm really gonna miss your knee- slappers when me and Evan are at State. SETH (pissed) Yeah, well I'll be at Junior college where the girls are half as smart, and thus twice as likely to blow me. FOGELL What are you guys doing tonight? (CONTINUED) 14. 18 CONTINUED: 18 SETH Nothing. Sorry. You'll just have to fingerbang yourself. EVAN (to Fogell) What you doing? FOGELL Well, Seth always said I was too much of a pussy, but he was wrong. It's been arranged. At lunch, I'm going to the same place Mike Snider went to pick up my brand new false identification card. SETH Dude! That's perfect, `cause, Evan, didn't you just say that you heard about a party? FOGELL (to Evan) Why didn't you tell me? SETH Shut up. Who cares? Just be happy he told. And hey! Now you can buy the booze. FOGELL Sounds cool. Cool. MRS. GREIR (O.S.) If you're not in this class, leave this class! EVAN Well done, man. We'll see you after class. Fogell leaves. SETH Did you tell that nimrod you're not going to room with him? EVAN Uh...no, not yet. SETH You better, man. That guy is a poon-tang repellent. Seth sees Jules coming. (CONTINUED) 15. 18 CONTINUED: (2) 18 JULES Seth, dishes time. What's the hold up? SETH We're getting a fake ID. JULES Well, you two have four more years to cuddle, so let's get to work. EVAN Actually, we're going to different schools. JULES Really? You're cutting the cord? What's going to happen? SETH Nothing! Jesus. EVAN Yeah? What do people think is gonna happen? That's what I don't get. SETH We're not, like, dependent on each other. EVAN We met when we were 8, we were fine before then. It's not like we do everything together. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - DAY 19 19 Seth and Evan are eating together. EVAN So it looks like we get a little graduation party after all. SETH I would do terrible things to get with Jules tonight. Terrible things. EVAN No shit. I'd give my left foot to start dating Helen. She's killin' me. SETH Ah, Helen's a bitch. Evan slams his fist on the table. (CONTINUED) 16. 19 CONTINUED: 19 EVAN I'm fuckin' sick of this shit, man! Seriously. Why do you hate her? Is there even an actual reason? Because seriously, I'm beginning you think you like her. SETH Hell no! I hate her. EVAN Why? SETH I was never going to tell you this story, because I knew that if you heard it you would never want to get with Helen, but over the last few weeks I've been having a hard time thinking of a reason not to. So, here it is. Helen and I went to elementary school together, right? (beat) Well, in the third grade, I had...like...an odd problem. For some reason, I don't know why, I used to have this thing...where I would...like, kinda...sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks. EVAN What? INT/EXT VARIOUS LOCATIONS 20 20 A MONTAGE of FLASHBACKS of YOUNG SETH (Age 10) drawing pictures of dicks in various places. A PARK, AT HOME, IN A SANDBOX, and finally, in a SCHOOL CLASSROOM. SETH (V.O.) I'd just sit there for hours on end drawing dicks. I don't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to paper without it drawing a penis. EVAN (V.O.) That's fucked. SETH (V.O.) No shit that's fucked up. Here I am this little kid who can't stop drawing dicks to save his life. 17. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA -PRESENT 21 21 EVAN What does that have to do with Helen? SETH Just listen. INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM -FLASHBACK 22 22 Young Seth is still sitting at his desk drawing penises. SETH (V.O.) I was very secretive about this dick thing I had going, after all, even I thought I was a loon, lord knows what other people would have thought. So I would take all my dick drawings and stick them in this Muppet lunch-box I had. We see Young Seth sticking a picture of a penis in a lunch- box filled with pieces of paper. INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - DAY 23 23 Young Seth is drawing, however it is a different day. SETH (V.O.) So one day I was finishing up a picture of a real big and veiny bastard, when all of a sudden... Young Seth drops the picture of the dick off his desk. It floats down and hits the feet of a cute little girl, YOUNG HELEN. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT 24 24 EVAN You hit Helen's foot with your dick? INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER 25 25 The little girl picks up the picture and looks at it with a truly disturbed look on her face. Young Seth grabs the picture from her and shoves it into his lunch-box. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT 26 26 SETH Well she fucking flipped. She started crying and shit. Ratted me out. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 18. 26 CONTINUED: 26 SETH (CONT'D) The principle finds my cock-Muppet lunch- box, and he fucking flips. INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY PRINCIPLE'S OFFICE - DAY 27 27 A FLASHBACK of Young Seth sitting in the principle's office. The Muppet lunch-box is open and the penis drawings are completely covering his desk. SETH (V.O.) It turns out the principle was some crazy religious guy and he thought I was possessed by some dick devil or something. The principal puts his hand on Seth's head and begins praying for his soul. INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT 28 28 SETH So, he calls my parents and they make me go to a psychologist who kept asking me all these dick questions. My parents wouldn't even let me eat dick-shaped foods for, like, months! No carrots, no Pop-sicles, no hot-dogs. You know how many fucking foods are shaped like dick? EVAN (half amazed, half amused) Wow. That's really messed up. SETH I can't even stand to look at her punk face. (beat) I'm going to go take a piss. Peace. INT. CLARK SECONDARY BATHROOM - LATER 29 29 Seth finishes his piss. He goes over to the sink, looks at it for a moment, then walks out of the bathroom. INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 30 30 Just as Seth turns the corner he sees Jules, Nicola, and SHIRLEY standing by their lockers. Jules spots Seth. JULES Seth. There you are. Jules turns and says goodbye to Nicola, who walks away. Jules and Shirley turn to meet Seth. (CONTINUED) 19. 30 CONTINUED: 30 SETH Hey. Here I am. JULES So you're coming to my party, right? It's fully on. SETH Yeah. Why? Should I not? JULES No, no, no. I really want you to come. But...uh, you did say you were getting a fake ID or something, is that right? SETH Very right. Right. I'm getting that. SHIRLEY Can you get us drinks? SETH Ummm... I don't know. I... think...maybe. JULES (half joking) Come on, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. SETH Well, funny thing about my back. It's located on my cock. Shirley is offended. Jules laughs a little. Seth laughs too hard. SETH (CONT'D) Ha! Alright, sure. I can do that. What do you guys want? JULES Well, this is actually, like, a big favor, but, well, my parents gave me like a hundred bucks to feed myself for the week, but the house if full of food, so I figure I should just spend all of it on extra drinks for the party. SETH Wow. I would never even think of doing something that nice. Jules hands Seth a hundred dollars. (CONTINUED) 20. 30 CONTINUED: (2) 30 JULES Well, this is really nice of you. I mean, I really appreciate this. Seth can't believe what he's hearing. He can barely contain his smile. SETH Should I just get, like, a shitload of different shit? JULES Whatever shit you think people would like, I don't really know. SHIRLEY I want Mike's Hard Lemonade. JULES Okay. I'll see you tonight. SETH Yeah! I'll see you! The girls walk off, leaving Seth lost in thought. He suddenly runs down the hall. EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - MOMENTS LATER 31 31 Evan is standing alone amidst the rest of his gym class as they play soccer. GYM TEACHER Evan, get into the game. Evan says nothing and the teacher soon redirects his attention elsewhere. Evan sees Seth jogging towards him. SETH (out of breath, worked up) Man, just - Evan, listen to me. You know Jules? You know what she just did? She came up to me and asked me if I would buy her alcohol. Not just her, her whole party. Do you know what that means? It means that by some miracle, we were paired up, we talked, and she actually thought of me afterwards. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy that she was going to trust the fun-ness of her party with. She wants me! She fucking wants my dick! (CONTINUED) 21. 31 CONTINUED: 31 EVAN Did you ever think maybe she's just using you to get her alcohol? SETH Of course I thought of that! LISTEN TO THIS! INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (FLASHBACK) 32 32 The same scene as before with Seth and Jules in class. JULES Yeah! My older brother always eats blue cheese. You know that stuff is actually moldy. EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - PRESENT 33 33 SETH She has an older brother! She could have asked him, but she asked me! She looked me straight in the face and asked me. She wants to fuck me, man. Do you understand that? Fucking! Today is the day that fucking has become possible. EVAN Are you stupid? You're not going to be able to sleep with her tonight. SETH She's going to be at the party, she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, so I can get with her. Then, I make her my girlfriend, and then I fuck her all summer long! Then, by the time college rolls around, I'm the fuckin' fucking master, man! EVAN Make her your girlfriend? Of course! That's good. So, hypnosis, love potion, or mind-control helmet? SETH Once I've gotten with her, I write her love letters, flowers, I'll do anything - I'll be the most pussy-whipped guy in the universe - what chick wouldn't go out with a guy like that? (CONTINUED) 22. 33 CONTINUED: 33 The soccer ball rolls towards them. They both watch as it rolls by. CLASSMATE What the hell, Evan? Evan shrugs back. CLASSMATE (CONT'D) Fuck you, man. SETH Fuck off, Greg. Why don't you piss your pants again? CLASSMATE That was, like, eight years ago, asshole! He runs off. SETH (to Evan) Wanna hear the best part? EVAN (sarcastic) Oh, I haven't? SETH Helen! Evan looks upset, assuming that Seth is about to trash-talk Helen, as usual. SETH (CONT'D) You do the same thing, man! Buy Helen her alcohol. Then, tonight, when you guys are both drunk, get with her! This is the last party we're ever going to go to as high school people! I've fully ignored my hatred for Helen in coming up with this, which is a big ass deal. We need to stop being pussy and for once just goes balls out, man! Evan seems to be swayed. EVAN I should get Helen alcohol? SETH Of course! It'll be pimp, and then you know she'll be drunk. (CONTINUED) 23. 33 CONTINUED: (2) 33 EVAN Have you talked to Fogell? SETH You talk to Helen, I'll find that retard Fogell. INT. HALLWAY - LATER 34 34 Everyone is rushing to class. Evan hurries through the halls and finds Helen at her locker. EVAN Hey Helen! Hold up. Did you hear about the party tonight? HELEN Yeah, I just heard. It sounds sweet. You're not coming, are you? EVAN No, no, I am. That's why I came looking for you. Me and some guys are going to the liquor store after class, so I was thinking I could buy you yours, if you needed someone to. HELEN Yeah! That'd be great, that'd save me such a hassle, cause I was going to beg my sister, but yeah, could you get me, like, a bottle of Goldschlager? I'll pay you back tonight. EVAN You will absolutely not. It's my treat. HELEN Wow. Thanks, Evan. Evan swings a friendly little punch at Helen's shoulder, but someone walks into him, causing him to nail her in directly in the tit! HELEN (CONT'D) Hey! You punched my tit! EVAN (mortified) I'm sorry! Shit, shit. I'm so sorry! I just wanted to give you a friendly nudge in the arm, you know? I'm so sorry. (CONTINUED) 24. 34 CONTINUED: 34 HELEN (giggling) Don't worry about it. So I'll see you at the party? EVAN Yeah. I'll see you then. I'm so sorry about that. EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - CONTINUOUS 35 35 Seth is waiting angrily in front of the school. Evan comes out the front doors. SETH That douche bag isn't back yet, I've been standing here with my thumb up my ass. EVAN I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for it. It was pimp. SETH Whoa. That is fucking pimp. Why didn't I do that? Shit. The bell rings. INT. WOODSHOP CLASS - CONTINUOUS 36 36 Seth and Evan work side by side in the woodshop. SETH (yelling over the machines) That's what we get for trusting a mental midget! He's fucking it all up! I bet he pussied out, just like I said he would! EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - AFTER SCHOOL 37 37 Seth and Evan walk out the front door. SETH I mean, what are we going to tell the girls? "Sorry, we couldn't do what we promised because we're dickless incompetents!" We'll never get laid because of that little ass-fuck. How did he get in to State?! He's got shit for brains! Shit! How else can we get liquor? FOGELL (O.S.) Hey guys! (CONTINUED) 25. 37 CONTINUED: 37 Seth and Evan turn around to see Fogell running after them. EVAN Where have you been? SETH Yeah! You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack! You better fucking have it, where is it? FOGELL I got it. It's flawless! It's great, man, look. Fogell reaches into his pocket and pulls out the fake ID. Evan grabs it. EVAN (reading the card) Okay Mr..."McLovin"? What kind of a stupid name is that? What are you trying to be, an Irish R&B singer? FOGELL Well, they let you pick any name you want when you get there. SETH So you picked McLovin? FOGELL It was between that or Muhammad. SETH Why was it between that or Muhammad? Why didn't you just pick a common name? FOGELL Actually, Seth, Muhammad is the most commonly used name on earth. EVAN Have you ever actually met a guy named Muhammad? FOGELL Have you actually ever met a guy named McLovin? SETH No! That's why you picked a bad name. (CONTINUED) 26. 37 CONTINUED: (2) 37 EVAN You probably have federal agents tracking you for even considering the name Muhammad on a fake ID! SETH Look at this shit man, you don't even have a first name. It just says "NAME: MCLOVIN" EVAN One name? FOGELL I just thought McLovin sounded old, and the chicks would dig it. EVAN Under what circumstances would you ever have to show a chick your ID? FOGELL She could ask. Or, I could just show it to her. SETH Holy shit! I don't believe this. This says you're fucking 25! Why didn't you just put 21? FOGELL I knew you would ask that. Look, every day, dozens of kids roll into the liquor store with fake ID's trying to act like Joe Casual. Each and every one of these kids just so happens to be 21 years old. Just how many 21 year-olds do you think there are? SETH Fool! EVAN Calm down! It's not terrible! This might work, but it's up to you, Fogell. They'll either think, "Oh, it's another punk kid with a fake ID." Or, "Look, it's McLovin, the twenty five year-old organ donor". What's it gonna be? Fogell takes a deep breath. (CONTINUED) 27. 37 CONTINUED: (3) 37 FOGELL I am McLovin. SETH You're not McLovin. No one's McLovin and this is never going to work. We need a new way to get alcohol. Could we drive to Canada or something? FOGELL I still think it's going to work. They walk into the staff parking lot. Seth stops. SETH What the fuck? Where's my car? EVAN I told you, man! What did I say? I told you that was a dumb idea. FOGELL Why would you park in the staff- SETH Shut up, Fogell. FOGELL `Cause you're not staff. SETH I am aware of that, Fagell. Seth storms off. Evan follows him. FOGELL (yelling) Will you still pick me up from work? Evan and Seth round the corner, leaving Fogell behind. SETH Let's go to your house. INT. EVAN'S BEDROOM - SOON AFTER 38 38 Seth puts on a shirt that is way too small and he's wearing pants that are too tight. Evan is playing the video game Grand Theft Auto. (CONTINUED) 28. 38 CONTINUED: 38 SETH Now we wait for your Mom to piss off and steal your parents' booze like your brother always does. Take a bit from every bottle. Piece of cake. It's not exactly what Jules wanted, but it'll do, right? EVAN Come on! Just wear what you wore to school. SETH I told you I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in the same shit I wore at school. It's completely unbecoming. EVAN Why don't you just go to your house and get your own clothes? `Cause this is stupid. SETH You're stupid! I can't go home. Then my mom will know the car got towed and I'll be grounded tonight. I'll just stay here all weekend and pick it up on Monday. EVAN (RE: video game) Where the fuck is the dirt bike? (beat) Ah, screw it. I'm just gonna kill everyone. Boom! Die, piggies!!! SETH Don't you have bigger clothes? EVAN See what my dad's got. INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - PARENTS ROOM - SOON AFTER 39 39 Seth is wearing Evan's Dad's clothes: a 70s style cowboy shirt, just barely pulling it off, as well as slacks. SETH Not bad, eh? EVAN It's, like, 7:30 and my Mom's still here. (CONTINUED) 29. 39 CONTINUED: 39 SETH Alright, here's what we'll do. I'll fuck your Mom in the basement while you steal the liquor. EVAN Fuck you, asshole. Let's just sneak down there and grab it. INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - LATER 40 40 Evan and Seth, carrying an empty two liter bottle of Coke, cautiously descend the creaking staircase. Their eyes watch the TV room, where Evan's mom is on the phone. The boys enter the dining room and cautiously open the liquor cabinet. Seth enthusiastically reaches for a bottle. SETH (whispering) Alright, dude. Get ready to receive. Evan begins unscrewing his bottle, when he notices a little black line marking where the liquor bottle is filled to. Then, he realizes that every bottle has it. EVAN (whispering) I can't believe it. They marked them. SETH (whispering) What do you mean they...oh, man! Your parents are fuckers. What do we do now? EVAN (whispering) Shh!!! We...we...take some and fill it back up with water. Get ready, I'll get water. Evan hurries off. Seth looks at the liquor cabinet, trying to choose the best booze. He grabs a massive bottle of gin. Evan reappears. EVAN (CONT'D) (whispering) Gin? That stuff is literally undrinkable. SETH (whispering) It's the biggest bottle, you douche. Just do it! She's right in the other room! (CONTINUED) 30. 40 CONTINUED: 40 Evan reluctantly holds an empty Coke bottle as Seth shakily pours the gin in. Evan starts refilling the gin bottle with water, when suddenly they both hear his mom coming. EVAN (whispering) Run! SETH (whispering) But, the booze? EVAN (whispering) Take it! Seth runs off with the gin and Coke bottle. Evan quickly closes the cabinet and sneaks off right before his mom enters. Through the window she see's that Seth is already on the front lawn and thinks nothing of it. EVAN (CONT'D) Bye, Mom! Love you. EVAN'S MOM Love you, sweety. Evan leaves. EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN 41 41 Evan and Seth triumphantly walk away. Seth holds up the gin. SETH Look at this mother. Smell it's glory. He opens it up and takes a whiff. SETH (CONT'D) Mmm. It's good. Barely a scent. He takes a crazy big swig. SETH (CONT'D) See that? I always said I had the highest alcohol tolerance. I'm like Superman. Seth taste another swig, but makes a strange face. Evan grabs the bottle and takes a swig. EVAN It's fucking water! (CONTINUED) 31. 41 CONTINUED: 41 SETH Water? (drinks again) Fuck. Your brother beat us to the punch. We have to go back! EVAN We can't go back! She totally knew, she'll bust us for sure, and we have to meet Fogell. SETH Well, fuck...fine. Text your brother he's a stupid piece of crap. Evan pulls out his cell and chuckles as he types. EXT. SHOPWELLS - DUSK 42 42 Evan and Seth walk off the bus. They see Fogell walking towards them. He's in his uniform holding a hanger with a shirt and a vest. SETH What the hell is that? FOGELL A vest. SETH You're gonna look like a Pinocchio. EVAN What? It's just a vest. FOGELL Yeah. How many high schoolers you see in vests? SETH (eyeing Shopwell's) You know, they got a ton of liquor right in there. If we get it now we can get to the party faster with all of Jules' shit. FOGELL No way! I work there. They know I'm not twenty-five. SETH Nobody said anything about you, dick- mouth. You have one name on your ID. It's out of the equation! (MORE) (CONTINUED) 32. 42 CONTINUED: 42 SETH (CONT'D) And now I'm gonna have to take drastic measures. I'm gonna steal the booze. FOGELL What?! No! Hell no! You can't do that! EVAN (mocking) Yeah, right! SETH That's right. And that way I give Jules back her money, like you did with Helen. That was good thinking, that's fucking pimp. That's how you seal a deal. It won't be hard. Remember Dan Vertlieb stole a keg from here and he's got, like, really bad scoliosis! EVAN You're not gonna steal it. Fogell, he's not going to steal it. FOGELL Please. Don't do this! I promise. I'll get the liquor later. SETH I'm stepping up. And once I'm up, I don't step back down. Maybe you "State" boys don't understand that. Seth walks to the store. INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS 43 43 Seth enters the store, looking determined. He spots a SECURITY GUARD standing by one of the registers. SETH (to himself) Hope piggy can run. He walks past the registers, which brings him in front of the long liquor aisle. He surveys the scene. There is an OLD WOMAN browsing the shelves. Seth looks over to the registers. INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING 44 44 Seth is at the cash register. He has a huge amount of booze in the conveyor belt. CASHIER How old are you? (CONTINUED) 33. 44 CONTINUED: 44 SETH Twenty two. CASHIER You certainly are. That'll be eighty dollars. Seth hands the cashier a big EIGHTY DOLLAR BILL. SETH Thank you kindly. CASHIER You're welcome, Seth. INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS 45 45 Seth, still standing in front of the liquor aisle, shakes his head. He eyeballs the old lady. INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING 46 46 The old lady is browsing. She drops her big purse. A hand reaches down and picks it up. It's Seth. SETH Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped your purse. Would you like me to help you to your car? OLD LADY That would be lovely, young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol? SETH That would be lovely! EXT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - MOMENTS LATER 47 47 Seth, holding two huge bags of liquor, waves to the Old Lady as she drives away. SETH Enjoy your remaining years! OLD LADY I will. Enjoy fucking Jules! INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - CONTINUOUS 48 48 Seth shakes his head. He looks down the aisle again, takes a breath and starts walking. (CONTINUED) 34. 48 CONTINUED: 48 He arrives at a fancy looking bottle. He takes it and looks down at it in his hands. A big golden label reads, "GOLDSCHLAGER." SECURITY GAURD (O.S.) Don't do it kid. We see that the Security Guard is right behind him. Seth doesn't look up, he just stares at the bottle dramatically. SETH I never had a choice. He throws the bottle at the guards face. The guard blocks it with his billy club, grabs another bottle, and hurls it at Seth. Seth dodges it by an inch; the bottle hits the OLD LADY in the head. OLD LADY (in agony) AAAHHHHH!!! Before Seth can do anything, the guard smashes a 40-ounce bottle of beer across his face. The guard SWINGS the broken end of the bottle and cuts Seth's throat. Blood spurts out. Seth drops his bottles and falls to the ground. EXT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS 49 49 Evan and Fogell are talking. FOGELL Oh, and, uh, my Mom said we can have the TV from her basement and I've got, like, three lava-lamps and one strobe light, so like, we can have that in the room- Evan sees Seth coming out of Shopwell's. EVAN Shh. Seth's coming. FOGELL You still didn't tell him we're rooming- EVAN No. Shut up. FOGELL (to Seth) So, where's all the stolen liquor? (CONTINUED) 35. 49 CONTINUED: 49 SETH Fuck you! I was gonna do it, but security was tight as shit. I was gonna do it though, don't think I wasn't. Let's go to the liquor store and try your stupid ID. Seth heads towards the bus stop. FOGELL Wait! I'm gonna put my vest back in my locker! INT. BUS - MOMENTS LATER 50 50 MORE MIND-BLOWINGLY BADASS FUNK MUSIC OVER Seth, Evan and Fogell sitting on the bus amidst a bunch of gloomy, unpleasant looking strangers. Nothing happens whatsoever. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - EVENING 51 51 The bus stops in front of the liquor store and the guys get out. EVAN Well, here we are. Fogell, are you ready? SETH Here's the list. FOGELL A list? Why? SETH We're getting girls their booze so they'll get with us. I put a lot of thought into that list. It's the perfect party bar, so don't mess it up and get Sambuca again. Fogell reads the list. A worried look sweeps across his face. FOGELL Ouzo, Drambuie, Jager, Gold-shlay-ger- EVAN Goldschlager. That's for Helen, so do not forget it. FOGELL -Alize, Captain Morgan Rum, Smirnoff Rasberry and a big ass bottle of Popov- (CONTINUED) 36. 51 CONTINUED: 51 SETH Oh yeah, and Mike's Hard Lemonade. FOGELL This is too much. I can't get away with this much! EVAN What's the difference? Seth hands Fogell the money. FOGELL I don't know, man. I'm getting, like, really nervous. Fogell starts breathing very hard and making an ODD NOISE while doing so. EVAN Are you okay? SETH What the hell are you doing? FOGELL I don't know if I want to do this. SETH What are you talking about? You just promised you would. What is this shit? FOGELL What if they turn me down? SETH Then we're in the same place that we're in right now! FOGELL It's fucking humiliating! Everyone in the store sees them kicking me out. What if they make me put all the liquor back on the shelf? I can't do that! SETH This whole thing is bigger than you, asshead! Just go in there and buy the damn alcohol! FOGELL What if I don't feel like it anymore? (CONTINUED) 37. 51 CONTINUED: (2) 51 SETH Then I will kill you! How's that? If you don't buy the alcohol, I will kill you! FOGELL Killing me won't get you any alcohol, jerkoff! I'm the one with the ID! SETH Then I will kill you, cut off your ugly face, put it over mine, and buy it my fucking self. FOGELL You don't have the technology or the steady hands to pull off a procedure like that! Seth stands for a moment, then suddenly rushes Fogell. Evan stands between them and breaks it up. EVAN Seth, calm down! Fogell, stop being a baby and go buy the alcohol! You said you'd do it, so do it. It's why you bought the ID, so just go do it. FOGELL (beat) I'll try. Fogell walks into the store. INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 52 52 At first it all seems overwhelming. Fogell is confused, dizzy, and sweating. He steps behind a large beer display and takes a few deep breaths. CLERK Hi there. Fogell flinches, shocked someone spoke to him. He keeps walking. He nears a mother and her 17 year old SON. As Fogell passes them, the son seems to recognize him. Fogell clearly recognizes the son. Their eyes meet. Fogell looks in the opposite direction. SON Fogell? (CONTINUED) 38. 52 CONTINUED: 52 FOGELL (weird voice, covering his face) No. SON Yo, Fogell. `Sup man. What're you doing here? FOGELL (weird voice) Uh...nothing. Not Fogell... (whisper) Shut up, Moscovitch. You don't know me. MOSCOVITCH (knowingly) Oh, oh. Cool, cool. Good luck. He puts his head down and quickly walks away. He arrives at the beer and cooler section. Clearly intimidated, he slowly opens a beer fridge. He grabs one beer attached to a six-pack and pulls it forward. The beer comes loose in his hand as the other five fall to the ground, cracking on impact, and spraying beer all over the place. Fogell scrambles to stop the beers from spraying, but soon finds that it is impossible. FOGELL Fuck. A CLERK approaches Fogell. CLERK Is there a problem, sir? FOGELL Umm, nope, no problem whatsoever. CLERK (pointing to the beer on the floor) Sir, did you do this? On the floor? FOGELL (beat) No. (beat) I think it happened before. Fogell is standing in a puddle of beer with beer sprayed all over his legs, holding a can of beer. (CONTINUED) 39. 52 CONTINUED: (2) 52 CLERK Are you sure? FOGELL I think I would know, thank you. Fogell walks away. INT. LIQUOR STORE - LATER 53 53 Fogell has a shopping cart filled with booze. He gets in line to pay. He looks ahead to the OLD-LOOKING GUY (35) who is currently at the CASHIER (woman) paying. CASHIER Um, yes, may I please see some ID? OLD-LOOKING GUY No problem. Heh. I haven't been ID-ed in years. CASHIER Anyone who looks under thirty-five. The guy looks through his wallet. Fogell nervously watches. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 54 54 Seth and Evan peek through one of the store's front windows. SETH It's a good ID, right? Mike Snider never had a problem. It's fine. Right? EVAN Calm down. (beat) Did you remember a condom? SETH You brought a condom? EVAN Yeah, I figured, you know, might as well. I brought one of those little things of spermicidal lube too. He takes them out of his pocket. SETH You asshole! You laughed in my face when I said we'd be having sex tonight. (CONTINUED) 40. 54 CONTINUED: 54 EVAN It doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared. You didn't even bring one? SETH No. That wasn't the plan! We had a plan! I can't believe you did that without even consulting me about it! EVAN I don't really even understand what your plan is. SETH I'm gonna go down on her for, like, hours. She'll love that. She'll want to go out with that. EVAN Yeah, but I figured there's no harm in bringing just one little condom. SETH And one little bottle of spermicidal lube. That's nuts. You can't let her know you brought that! These girls are 18, not dried up old ladies. They're ready to go. EVAN Fine. I won't bring the lube. INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 55 55 Fogell pushes his stuff up to the Cashier. She looks at him kind of funny. FOGELL Hello... (reading name tag) Mindy. She rings up a six pack of Budweiser. FOGELL (CONT'D) Oh, I love that stuff. Been drinking it for years. I heard they recently decided to start adding more hops. Fogell just nods kind of proud of himself. She stops ringing stuff up and looks at him. (CONTINUED) 41. 55 CONTINUED: 55 CASHIER Umm, okay sir, I'm gonna need to see some ID. FOGELL Identification? EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 56 56 Seth and Evan are still leaning against the window. EVAN Do you think I could get Helen to do some kind of long distance thing? Seth looks as if he sees something in the distance. He stands upright. SETH Holy Shit! It's Cary Hutchins! EVAN I haven't seen her since she switched schools. SETH She had the biggest tits in the universe. Down the block there is a girl walking a dog. EVAN I heard she had breast-reduction surgery. Her tits must be crazy perfect now. SETH I gotta see these bastards. Let's check `em out. Seth and Evan run off towards the girl. SETH (CONT'D) Man, I'm gonna pretend to trip and grab `em. (beat) I hope they've healed. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 57 57 The cashier is still examining the card. She hands it back to Fogell. (CONTINUED) 42. 57 CONTINUED: 57 CASHIER That comes to a total of $123.59 A huge smile forms on Fogell's face as he pulls out a wad of money and hands it to the cashier. She starts to gather his change when, SUDDENLY, a BIG GUY runs up and PUNCHES Fogell right in the side of the head!!! Fogell falls to the ground. The dude sticks his hand in the open register, grabs a handful of money and runs! The whole thing is over in a matter of seconds. Fogell is on the ground, dazed and confused. FOGELL What the hell happened?! Fogell sees the distressed cashier frantically dialing the police. CASHIER (breathing hard) I don't believe it...I don't believe it.... EXT. UP THE STREET FROM THE LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER 58 58 Seth and Evan walk down the street towards the liquor store. EVAN That was a waste. SETH But she fully looked way better before. I thought when they reduced them, they just kind of reshaped them nicer. Made them more supple. EVAN I can't even begin to imagine the justification for making breasts smaller. SETH It's like me making my nuts saggier. Evan sees something in the distance. EVAN Whoa. What's this? SETH What? (CONTINUED) 43. 58 CONTINUED: 58 EVAN Check it out! The cops! They see a cop car with the lights flashing parked outside the liquor store. Seth and Evan cautiously approach the liquor store and look inside. They see two POLICE talking with the Cashier, and Fogell is standing right beside them! EVAN (CONT'D) Shit! They busted Fogell! INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 59 59 The two police, OFFICER SLATER, 30 and experienced, and OFFICER MICHAELS, 25 and learning, are talking to the Cashier. Fogell stands beside them, nervous and afraid. OFFICER SLATER (to cashier) So, did he punch anyone else? CASHIER (losing it completely) I can't do this, okay!?! I told you, I have an exam tomorrow! Can you understand that? A goddamn exam! The cashier breaks down crying and walks off to the back of the store. The officers look at each other. OFFICER MICHAELS Apparently, she has an exam. They chuckle. Then they turn to Fogell. OFFICER SLATER (turn to Fogell) So then, son, you're the one that got punched? Fogell looks down to his bags of liquor at his feet. Then back at the cops. He nods. OFFICER MICHAELS We'd like to ask you a couple questions. The officers each take out a note pad and a pencil. OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D) Okay, first things first. What's your name? (CONTINUED) 44. 59 CONTINUED: 59 Fogell looks like his heart is about to explode out of his chest. FOGELL My name, it's...it's.. (tripping over his own words) Mc..mac..laddle... OFFICER SLATER MicMac what? FOGELL No, no I said, "McLovin". OFFICER MICHAELS McLovin? FOGELL McLovin. The officers both write down some information. OFFICER SLATER Cool name. And your first name? Fogell looks twice as scared. FOGELL Oh...that's uh...a good one...it's a...an interesting...uh...event... Fogell trails off mumbling and starts to breathe heavily, making an ODD NOISE. Behind him, in the window of the store, we see Seth and Evan peeking through. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 60 60 Shocked, Seth and Evan walk away from the window. Seth starts to pace in anger. SETH I don't believe this bullshit! I can't...this isn't happening! I didn't even know you could get arrested for this shit! WE NEED THAT FUCKING LIQUOR! EVAN Oh my god. Are they gonna take him downtown? SETH Fuck Fogell! He got arrested! We're on our own. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 45. 60 CONTINUED: 60 SETH (CONT'D) We need a new way of getting liquor. (realizing) AAAHHH!! The money! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How much money can you get? EVAN What are you talking about? Money? What about Fogell? SETH That doesn't matter anymore. I just lost a hundred dollars of Jules' money! EVAN We have to help him! SETH Help him? What are we gonna do? Bust him out of jail? I don't even know where jail is! What we need is the alcohol, which is impossible because we don't have any fucking money! Seth steps into the driveway leading to the parking lot. EVAN Fine. Just...calm down. We need to think. We need to think. SETH Fuck thinking! We need to act! Suddenly, a car pulls out of the lot going 10 mph and knocks Seth down!!! INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 61 61 The cops are still talking to Fogell. He looks completely flustered. He's lost his composure. OFFICER SLATER Okay, your name is just McLovin, there's no need to get irrational. In the BACKGROUND (not in the view of Fogell and the cops) we see DRIVER of the car, a shady-looking guy in a hockey jersey, gets out of his car and walks over to where Seth is lying, apologizing frantically. OFFICER MICHAELS A lot of people have strange names these days. (CONTINUED) 46. 61 CONTINUED: 61 OFFICER SLATER I once arrested a man-lady who was legally named "Pearl Necklace." FOGELL It's just... I changed my name. I was going to be a singer. R&B. OFFICER MICHAELS Fine. That's not illegal. OFFICER SLATER And, how old are you McLovin? Fogell looks down at the bags of booze again. FOGELL Old enough. OFFICER SLATER Old enough for what? OFFICER MICHAELS Can I see your ID? FOGELL Um...okay... Fogell takes his shaking, sweaty hand, sticks it in his pocket, and pulls out his fake ID. He slowly hands it over to Officer Slater. The cops both look at it, then Fogell. Beads of sweat are running down Fogell's face. In the background, Seth pops up and starts kicking the guy's car out of anger. Evan and the driver both restrain Seth. OFFICER SLATER You're an organ donor? FOGELL What? OFFICER SLATER I didn't want to be one but my wife insisted. OFFICER MICHAELS Just like a woman. Even after you're dead, they want to tear your heart out. The officers start laughing. Fogell is shocked. They hand back the ID. (CONTINUED) 47. 61 CONTINUED: (2) 61 FOGELL Look. I'm really sorry, but I don't really have any information. I didn't really see him. His fist hit here. Fogell points at his giant black eye. OFFICER MICHAELS Are you in a hurry or something? FOGELL Uh, yeah... kinda. I kinda had to catch a bus. OFFICER SLATER Where were you going? FOGELL Umm... near thirteenth and Granville. OFFICER SLATER We'll take you there, get your information on the way. Sit tight. Fogell is completely dumbfounded. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS 62 62 The driver is pleading with Seth and Evan. DRIVER I'm so sorry, man! I'm so sorry! I didn't see you at all. Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm sorry, man. Look, what can I do? Are you okay? The driver glances at the cop car. DRIVER (CONT'D) I mean, please don't report me, we can figure this out, okay? SETH Why wouldn't I report you? DRIVER Because I'll do anything! Please! Anything! What can I do? SETH You have any money? (CONTINUED) 48. 62 CONTINUED: 62 EVAN (quietly to Seth) What are you doing? DRIVER (beat) Fine. Just take it. The driver reaches into his pocket and hands Seth some money. Seth looks at it. It's seven dollars. SETH What is this? This isn't enough. Seth stuffs the money in his pocket. DRIVER It's all I have. SETH Well, you just came from the liquor store, give us your liquor. DRIVER I didn't get any. They're not letting anyone in. They're arresting someone or something. SETH Well, they'll be arresting somebody else if you don't do something quick. Ow! My shoulder! It's killing me. Seth, acting poorly, pretends he's way more hurt than he is. DRIVER No! Wait! Okay, you want alcohol? I can get you alcohol. I'm on my way to this party right now. There's gonna be tons of liquor. I will definitely get you plenty. SETH You better. EVAN Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Come here. Seth goes over to Evan. EVAN (CONT'D) What are you doing? (CONTINUED) 49. 62 CONTINUED: (2) 62 SETH What? Jules' money is gone, Fogell's out, we've got no other option. Let's go. EVAN I don't....I don't like this idea at all. I'm just not feeling it. That guy's fucking creepy. Just look at him. They look at the Driver, who is staring at Evan with a dumb expression on his face. DRIVER (to Evan) You know a guy named Jimmy, perchance? Cause you totally look like his brother. SETH He's an idiot. And he's our only hope. Come on, don't break your promise to Helen. EXT. LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER 63 63 The Driver's car pulls away with Seth and Evan sitting in the back seat. A few moments later, the cops walk out with Fogell right behind them carrying the bags of liquor. OFFICER SLATER (to Fogell) Man, that lady just wouldn't stop crying, huh? And you're the one that got punched. Did you hear her say she has an exam tomorrow? Boo-fuckin'-hoo. Am I right? FOGELL (afraid) Heh. Good one. OFFICER MICHEALS Could we have taken her in? Just to scare the shit out of her? OFFICER SLATER Hah. Probably could have found a way. But a good general rule is only take people in you want to ride with. And whiny bitches don't make that cut. The cops chuckle as they all get in the cop car. 50. INT. DRIVER'S CAR - CONTINUOUS 64 64 Seth and Evan sit in the back seat. The Driver is in the front. DRIVER One of you bros could have sat up here with me. There is an awkward silence, when suddenly Seth starts to wriggle in discomfort. SETH Aaah! Seth fishes his cell phone out of his pocket and looks at it. SETH(CONT'D) 875-6611? (thinking) Holy shit... Seth answers the phone. SETH (CONT'D) Jules! What's the haps? DRIVER Who is it? INTERCUT WITH: INT. JULES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65 65 There are six girls passing two beers in a circle while dancing blissfully to crappy 80s music. JULES Seth! Where are you? SETH Jules! I just got in a cab and I'm going to the liquor store as we speak. JULES Awesome. I can't wait for you to get here. A huge smile sweeps across Seth's face. SETH Really? (CONTINUED) 51. 65 CONTINUED: 65 JULES Yeah. It looks like it could actually be a great party. I think, like, tons of people might show up. I hope they don't trash my house. SETH Well, if they want to do that they're going to have to get through me. JULES So I guess I don't have to worry then. I'll see you soon. Seth hangs up the phone, completely elated. SETH She called, man! That's insane! She's practically begging for it. She said, "I can't wait for you to get here." DRIVER That sounds like she fully wants it. Where's she gonna get it from, huh, my man? Seth and Evan are very weirded out. EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT 66 66 The Driver's car pulls up in front of a house. The three get out. EVAN Hey, are you sure that it's cool we're here? DRIVER Oh, definitely. I'm essentially best friends with this guy. A whole bunch of my buddies are coming. Come on! The Driver runs into the house happily, Seth and Evan following closely behind. INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS 67 67 The boys enter the house and stand by the front door of the huge party. It's in full swing with all sorts of random- looking people. Nobody is under the age of 25. EVAN This is weird. (CONTINUED) 52. 67 CONTINUED: 67 SETH Whatever. Just act casual. And old. All we gotta do is find the booze and haul ass out of here. As they make their way down a hallway, a few people give them looks. INT. HOUSE PARTY - KITCHEN 68 68 They enter the kitchen, where Seth spots what they've been looking for. There are big buckets of ice filled with beer, coolers, wine, vodka, everything. SETH Holy shit! Let's grab one of these buckets and go. MARK (O.S.) What the fuck do you think you're doing? DRIVER (O.S.) What, man? It's nothing. The guys turn and see that in corner of the kitchen, the Driver, holding a phone, is being yelled at by a massive brute, MARK. MARK You calling more of your stupid friends again? Ya prick. DRIVER Mark, calm down, okay? Just relax. MARK Get the fuck out of my house. DRIVER Mark, come on. What the heck? Don't be a dick. Suddenly, Mark grabs the Driver by the back of the neck and drags him out of the kitchen, down the front hall and out the door. A group of people follow, including Seth and Evan. EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS 69 69 The Driver get pushed out of the door and lands on the front lawn. Seth and Evan watch from the doorway of the house, a group of people in front of them. (CONTINUED) 53. 69 CONTINUED: 69 DRIVER Mark! Dude! This is bullshit! Just chi- Mark steps on the Driver's hand. DRIVER (CONT'D) Ahhhh! Fuck! The Driver takes his hand out from under Mark's foot. He stands up. DRIVER (CONT'D) Fuck you, man. I'll fucking do this! Suddenly, Mark becomes enraged. He takes a big step forward and brutally KICKS the Driver square in the nuts! The Driver clutches his nuts and falls to the ground. MARK Francis, you and your idiot friends stay the away from me and mine or I'll flipping shiv your ass! Mark and his buddies head back in, leading them towards Seth and Evan, who quickly duck back into the party. INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS 70 70 The frightened boys walk into one of the first rooms and hide in the corner. They have a hushed discussion. EVAN Dude, let's slip out the back. SETH Why? Come on, we're here. Let's just hurry up and do this. EVAN You want to end up like that guy? Not me, I need my nuts. SETH We need this liquor! EVAN You need it! I don't need it. I'm going to tell Helen I like her, and then maybe she'll get with me; not after I get her stinking drunk. (CONTINUED) 54. 70 CONTINUED: 70 SETH Then why haven't you ever made a move, you pussy? EVAN Because I respect her! I'm not going to put that kind of unfair pressure on her. SETH These aren't girls, they're women! They need our dicks as much as we need their poons - and we all love liquor, so where's the fucking beef?! EVAN We're leaving, okay? These guys could kill us. You want to get killed for liquor? SETH You're really gonna bail on me?! EVAN (rolls eyes) Jesus... Evan walks out the door. SETH Okay, okay...if that's how you're going to be, then I'll get the booze on my own. And you're not getting any. And neither is Helen! Seth storms off. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 71 71 Fogell sits in the backseat. The cops are in the front. There is silence for a few beats. FOGELL Um...hey...uh, officers. I could answer those, uh, questions now if you want. OFFICER SLATER We get the gist of it. You were buying some beer, some guys came in and robbed the place. I don't think we're gonna find `em this time. The officers start to chuckle. (CONTINUED) 55. 71 CONTINUED: 71 FOGELL It was only one guy. OFFICER SLATER Only one guy? Well, fuck that. We could never catch one guy. OFFICER MICHAELS You see, McLovin, if it was two guys, we'd have twice the chance of catching one of them. But just one guy? I mean, how are we supposed to find one guy in this whole city? OFFICER SLATER Yeah, McLovin. You know how many people there are in this city? I have trouble finding people I know. FOGELL Aren't you guys supposed to be trained or something? Don't you have a computer? OFFICER SLATER Yeah, that stuff can help, but if someone walks up to me on the street, and is like, "Hey, find Bob." Well, how the hell am I supposed to do that? FOGELL Who's Bob? OFFICER SLATER Exactly. If I don't know who he is, then how am I supposed to know where he is? OFFICER MICHAELS When you're new to the force, like I am- OFFICER SLATER Only six months in. (proudly) I got two and a half years under my belt. OFFICER MICHAELS You learn a lot of crazy stuff. For example- The car radio goes off. (CONTINUED) 56. 71 CONTINUED: (2) 71 RADIO We have a 245 at East 24 and Montgomery. It's Bailey's Bar and Grill. Car 43, respond please. Slater picks up the receiver. OFFICER SLATER Ten-four. (hangs up) Nice. Ya see, Michaels, when ever there's a call for a bar, you take it. OFFICER MICHAELS Good fucking call, sir. They chuckle. OFFICER SLATER Hey, McLovin. We got a situation at Bailey's. We have to see to that, but we'll drop you off right after. Okay? FOGELL Um...okay... Michael's hits the siren and they drive off. INT. HOUSE PARTY- KITCHEN. - CONTINUOUS 72 72 Seth is looking in the fridge, which is full of beer. An ENORMOUS GUY nudges Seth aside and sticks his arm in. ENORMOUS GUY Hey Mark, you want another beer? Seth quickly walks away from the fridge and goes down the hall. INT HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM 73 73 Seth enters a room of people dancing to hip-hop. He notices all the girls are drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and then locates a cooler full of it across the dance area. He tries to make his way through the sea of dancing. A hot, sorority-type WOMAN drunk out off her ass dances over to him and starts grinding against his leg. He doesn't know how to react so he just goes with it, bumpin' and grindin' with the girl. 57. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS 74 74 Evan is walking down an alley, mad as hell, when, suddenly, he jumps up and starts squirming. EVAN Whaa! What the...oh.. He takes out his vibrating cell phone and looks at the callers name...it's Helen. EVAN (CONT'D) Oh dude. Oh dude. Oh dude. He looks intensely at the cell as it continues vibrating. EVAN (CONT'D) Okay. Okay. Here we go... He presses talk. HELEN (O.S.) (through the phone with horrible static) Eva...lo................. EVAN Helen? Helen?!? The phone cuts out. Evan sees that he has no reception. He looks back at the party, then at his cell phone. He shakes his head and turns back towards the party. EXT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS 75 75 The cops and Fogell get out of the car and walk towards the Bailey's. They stop before they enter. OFFICER SLATER Alright McLovin, this will only take a few minutes. Just grab a beer at the bar and we'll be done before you know it. FOGELL (a little scared) Well...what's goin' on in there? The Officers chuckle as they lead Fogell into the bar. INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS 76 76 As they enter the bar they immediately see a drunken, crazed HOMELESS GUY screaming at a bar tender. (CONTINUED) 58. 76 CONTINUED: 76 HOMELESS GUY Everywhere?!? You didn't see me pissin' anywhere!!! Fogell quickly sits at the bar by the entrance to the kitchen. OFFICER SLATER Alright, Michaels. I've got your back. Show this rummy how we roll. Officer Michaels walks up to the Homeless Guy. OFFICER MICHAELS Excuse me! Sir! The Homeless Guy turns and sees the cops. HOMELESS GUY AAAHHHHH!!! He runs for the front door! OFFICER MICHAELS Resisting! Michaels blocks the door and the Homeless Guy rams into him, knocking him to the ground. OFFICER SLATER (sarcastic) Good one, Michaels! Slater runs at the Homeless Guy and chases him into the dining area. The Homeless Guy knocks over a table, which Slater trips over. OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D) Fuck! OFFICER MICHAELS (nervous) Should I shoot him?!? OFFICER SLATER NO!!! The Homeless Guy makes a mad dash for the kitchen, and Fogell is the only one in his way! OFFICER MICHAELS Stop him, McLovin!!! (CONTINUED) 59. 76 CONTINUED: (2) 76 FOGELL AHHH!!! The Homeless Guy RAMS straight into him and knocks both of them onto the kitchen floor!!! INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 77 77 The kitchen staff watch in awe as the Homeless Guy wrestles Fogell on the ground. FOGELL Ow!!! Please! Stop, you fucking bum!!! The Homeless Guy gets up, grabs Fogell and HURLS him into a rack of trays! He then turns to run, but SLIPS on a wet spot and SLAMS his head against the ground! The cops burst into the room to find Fogell panting on his knees with the Homeless Guy unconscious on the floor. OFFICER MICHAELS McLovin! Nice! OFFICER SLATER I am buying you a beer, McLovin! INT. HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 69 69 An R&B slow jam plays as an exuberant Seth, a Mike's Hard Lemonade in one hand and the Woman's ass in the other as the dancing becomes increasingly sexual. As the song ends, the Woman moves on. Seth glances at the cooler and sees one more Mike's hard. He grabs it and puts it in his pocket. The bulge is apparent. Extremely pleased with himself, INT. HOUSE PARTY - ADJACENT ROOM 79 79 Seth walks into the adjacent room. There are a bunch of GUYS chilling on the couch, who all look at Seth oddly as he enters. SETH Hey, wut up? The guys just nod at Seth and continue to look at him strangely. GUY 1 What is that? Is that red wine? (CONTINUED) 60. 79 CONTINUED: 79 Thinking he's busted, Seth quickly covers the bulge in his pocket. SETH Uh...no. What? I don't know what you're talking about. GUY 1 That shit you spilled all over yourself, idiot. SETH (sincere) I didn't spill anything on myself. Seth checks himself to see what the guy is referring to. SETH (CONT'D) Oh shit. On Seth's upper thigh there is a red splotch about the size of a palm of a hand. SETH (CONT'D) What the hell is this? GUY 1 Oh my lord. You were just dancing in there, right? SETH Yeah, so? The guys all burst out laughing. GUY 1 It's fucking blood. SETH Why would I get blood on my leg from--- (beat of realization) OH SHIT! The guys start laughing even harder. SETH (CONT'D) Some girl perioded on my fucking leg! GUY 2 I've never seen that before in my life. Seth pokes at the splotch. (CONTINUED) 61. 79 CONTINUED: (2) 79 SETH That is disgusting. Guy 1 gets up as Seth tries to cover up the mess with his shirt. GUY 1 I gotta show this to Bill. SETH Who's Bill? Don't show Bill! No! I can't believe this is happening! GUY 2 We should find who did it. SETH This is un-fucking-believable. I have to look good tonight! GUY 2 Who'd you dance with? SETH Who gives a shit? Fuck! These aren't even my pants! INT. HOUSE PARTY- ANOTHER ROOM 80 80 Guy 1 brings six more guys, including the Enormous Guy, into the room. He points out the stain Seth's pants. All the guys burst out laughing. Embarrassed and fearful of the attention, Seth starts making his way out of the room. SETH Yeah. It's really funny, huh? Yuk it up, assholes. Seth works his way through another room full of people, shielding the splotch as best as he can. PARTY DUDE Dude! Check it out! That guy's having his period! Another group of people turn and laugh. PARTY GIRL He looks about the right age! SETH (to himself) I gotta clean this shit. (CONTINUED) 62. 80 CONTINUED: 80 He sees a long line of people standing if front of the bathroom door. He spots a staircase and runs down into the basement. INT. HOUSE PARTY - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS 81 81 Seth enters the empty basement. He sees a sink and runs over to it and turns on the water. EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS 82 82 Evan nervously walks back into the house to look for a telephone. INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS 83 83 The cops, Fogell, and the unconscious Homeless Guy each sit at the bar with a Corona in front of them. Slater's radio goes off. RADIO Calling all units, armed and dangerous man in the vicinity of- Click. Slater turns his radio down, ignoring the calls. OFFICER MICHAELS So anyways, we leave the bar, I'm charmin' her pants off telling her stories of shoot-outs and shit. FOGELL You've been in shoot-outs! OFFICER MICHAELS Nope. OFFICER SLATER McLovin, all we do is bonk homeless people on the head. You're practically a cop now. OFFICER MICHAELS So I pull up in front of her house and she asks me to come inside for some coffee. Of course, I say yes. OFFICER SLATER Oh shit. (CONTINUED) 63. 83 CONTINUED: 83 OFFICER MICHAELS Oh shit. So we go into the kitchen. I start taking off my clothes, she fucking flips, starts screaming at me, and I'm like "Can't have coffee without cream." Oh!!! Right? I fucking said that. Then, she slaps me, throws me out. I'm telling you McLovin, stay out of bars. FOGELL Hey, you don't need to tell me. OFFICER MICHAELS So, yeah, you gotta look in different places. The gym, an art class, you know, shit like that. OFFICER SLATER I met the Missus at paint ball. Can you believe that? I shot her in the neck, and we just hit it off. And my first wife -- who is a whore -- where do you think we met? A bar. FOGELL I don't know. I find they're always good for a little quick ass. The cops laugh. OFFICER SLATER I bet I know your trick, McLovin. You do the whole mysterious guy thing, right? OFFICER MICHAELS Yeah McLovin, how's it going with the ladies? Fogell thinks for a moment, he is feeling rather comfortable. FOGELL Well, officers, it's not the going with the ladies I care about, it's the coming. The cops and Fogell burst out laughing. OFFICER SLATER Oh! McLovin in the house! He sees that the cops clearly like him; his confidence level increased, he takes a chance. (CONTINUED) 64. 83 CONTINUED: (2) 83 FOGELL So...you guys got guns, huh? The officers glance at each other as sinister smiles creep across their faces. OFFICER SLATER Yeah. We got guns. OFFICER MICHAELS I haven't had one for long, but, man, let me tell you - it's like having two dicks. FOGELL Can I...can I hold one? Your gun? Michaels and Slater look to each other. OFFICER MICHAELS I mean, if we took the bullets out? OFFICER SLATER Yeah. Why not? Slater pulls out his gun and takes out the clip. OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D) Here. Fogell takes the unloaded gun and flops it back and forth in his hands, a huge smile gleaming. FOGELL Wow. I've never held one. Are they hard to shoot? OFFICER SLATER If you're Michaels they are. He can't shoot worth dick. OFFICER MICHAELS Fuck you, old man. I could out-shoot you with my sack tucked between my legs. OFFICER SLATER Only one way to settle this. FOGELL (incredibly excited) You guys are going to shoot something, right? 65. INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS 84 84 Seth is scrubbing at the mark on his thigh, but it's not doing much. He stops for a moment to take a breather as he looks around the basement. He spots a fridge in the corner and walks over to it. As he opens it, a look of awe sweeps across his face. Every shelf is completely filled with beer. SETH Jesus's tits! He grabs as many bottles as he can and starts sticking them in his pockets, when he notices two large jugs of detergent next to the washer. He thinks for a moment, then begins to empty out the detergent jugs. INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS 85 85 Evan peers into a vacant room and sees a telephone. He nervously enters and picks up the phone. He dials. INTERCUT WITH: INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS 86 86 Helen is in a cab with BECCA, her best-friend, and two other girls. They're a little done up and really giggly. Helen's cell phone starts ringing. She hushes the other girls as she answers her phone. HELEN Hello? BECCA Is it him? HELEN (whispering to the girls) Shut up. EVAN Hey! Helen. Hi. I had bad reception. Are you at the party? HELEN No, I'm in a cab. I'll be there soon. Are you still coming? EVAN Yeah, definitely. Um, about your Goldschlager... (CONTINUED) 66. 86 CONTINUED: 86 Evan can hear all the girls goofing around and giggling. HELEN (whispering to the girls) Shut up. EVAN What's going on there? HELEN Oh, nothing, I just wanted to make sure you were still coming, you know, and that you didn't get caught up at a cocktail party or some club. EVAN Nope. I'm gonna be there. HELEN Well, I can't wait to see you. EVAN I think it's going to be a real fun...event. HELEN Okay. Bye. INT. HOUSE PARTY VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS 87 87 Evan hangs up the phone. A huge smile crosses his face. As he turns around to exit, five older, unbelievably drunk DUDES wander into the room. DUDE 1 They're going to kill that guy, man. That bitch's boyfriend is so pissed. DUDE 2 Yeah. And he's a beast. They start pouring a baggy of coke on the table when one of them notices Evan standing in the corner. DUDE 3 Hey! Was it you? Are you the guy? The kid with the splotch on his crotch? Evan glances down at his crotch. He is confused and horrified. EVAN No. What splotch- (CONTINUED) 67. 87 CONTINUED: 87 DUDE 2 I know you! Guys! I know that guy, he was at that party with me. DUDE 4 Who's he? DUDE 2 He's Jimmy's brother. The dude with the crazy raps, the one I told you about! They draw the coke into lines as Evan slowly heads for the door. EVAN Oh no, that's not me either. Wrong guy, man. Sorry. Dude 3 gets up and blocks the door. DUDE 3 No. No, that's you, man. You are fully Jimmy's brother! You were just so messed up you can't remember. EVAN Trust me, man. That wasn't me. I don't even listen to rap. DUDE 3 It was you! I know it! Come on! Rap! I've been telling these guys about you. Just give them one rap. Come on. Rap. Rap. They start doing the lines of coke. Evan is very afraid. INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER 88 88 Seth is finishing pouring the beer bottles into the second detergent jug. There are about thirty empty beer bottles laying around Seth. He tightens the cap, picks up the two detergent jugs, and heads upstairs. INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 89 89 Seth emerges from the basement and heads towards the front door. SETH I did it man. Peace out-tro. He's inches away from the front door, when suddenly- (CONTINUED) 68. 89 CONTINUED: 89 GUY 1 There! That's the guy! Seth turns and sees Mark, the guy who assaulted the Driver, walking towards him. He notices Mark has a splotch on his leg, too. SETH Hey! You got one, too! We're blood brothers. MARK Shut it, you little shitter! What the hell were you doing dancing with Jacinda? Horrified, Seth scrambles for excuses. SETH I...I didn't dance with her! I don't even dance! Never even tried it! MARK (point at Seth's splotch) Then where did that come from, asshole? SETH I don't know. Maybe me and you rubbed up against each other at some point. How am I supposed to know? INT. HOUSE PARTY - VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS 90 90 The coked-up dudes are watching Evan intensely. They are completely loving his rapping, completely into it. Evan is struggling. EVAN ...cause, yo! Bitches and gats, bitches and gats, what do all of we's got? DUDES Bitches and gats! EVAN When we steal all the money? DUDES Bitches and gats! (CONTINUED) 69. 90 CONTINUED: 90 EVAN Yo! I kill the whores of Vice City with my magnum 9/Take out the punk pigs with my Glok design/ Drink a fifth of Hennessy and get benign/Fuck all the bitches with their asses fine THE DUDES (cheering) Oh!!! SOME GUY bursts into the room. SOME GUY Dudes! Looks like a fight! Dude 3 does a line of coke and they all get up together and charge out of the room. INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 91 91 There is a crowd gathered around Seth and Mark. The Enormous Guy and Mark's friends are gathered beside Mark. SETH I swear to God it wasn't me! Evan and the four dudes who were doing coke walk into the room. Evan is shocked to see Seth at the center of so much commotion. Mark notices the detergent bottle in Seth's hands. MARK And what the fuck is this? SETH It's nothing. It's detergent. MARK Yeah. And what are you doing with it? SETH I...uh, I got blood on my pants. Mark sees the bottle of MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE in Seth's pocket and takes it out. He looks at it, then looks at Seth with a look of death. SETH (CONT'D) I brought them from home. Suddenly, Mark violently SHOVES Seth and throws the beer bottle at his face!!! Seth holds up a detergent jug and deflects the beer bottle. (CONTINUED) 70. 91 CONTINUED: 91 It flies towards Evan, who ducks, and nails Dude 1 in the head, glass exploding everywhere!!! DUDE 1 AAAHHHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! Dude 1 clutches his bloody head as the other Dudes charge at Mark! A full on brawl breaks out! Everyone starts fighting! Two of the Dudes beat on the Enormous Guy. They throw him into Evan. DUDE 3 Hold him! EVAN What? DUDE 2 HOLD HIM!!! Evan reluctantly holds the Enormous Guy up as the two Dudes pound on him. ANGLE ON: Seth, cowering in the corner Mark runs at Seth and is about to punch him, when suddenly Dude 1 tackles him onto the kitchen island! Seth turns and faces Mark's girlfriend, JACINDA. JACINDA You motherfucker! She grabs a lamp, still plugged in, and swings it at Seth. She hits him square in the chest and the light bulb explodes! SETH AHH!!! JACINDA You ruined my birthday!!! You humiliated me!!! SETH You're the one who used my leg as a tampon! She charges at him again, arms flailing. Seth scurries around the room, shielding the blows with the detergent bottles. Evan throws the Enormous Guy to the ground and runs. Evan backs off, spots Seth, and follows him out of the party. 71. EXT HOUSE PARTY 92 92 As Seth and Evan run up the block together, Jacinda talks into her cell phone. JACINDA Yeah, Fifth and Paysview, please hurry! EXT. DARK STREET - CONTINUOUS 93 93 The cops and Fogell stand beside the car. The Homeless Guy is sleeping in the back. Michaels has his gun drawn and is carefully aiming at a distant stop sign. OFFICER SLATER You've been saying some bold words, my friend. Better not mess up. FOGELL You can do it, officer. BLAM!!! Michaels blasts off a round, which punches a hole right through the center of the "O" in the stop sign. OFFICER MICHAELS Boo-yaka-sha!!! Suck it, Slater. Suck my nuts. Long, but gentle. FOGELL Yeah! And eat his ass! They all laugh hysterically. FOGELL (CONT'D) Can I shoot one? The cops look at each other and shrug. OFFICER SLATER Yeah. Sure. Here. Go nuts. Slater hands Fogell the gun, when suddenly a SIREN can be heard in the distance getting closer. OFFICER MICHAELS Fuck. The cops! OFFICER SLATER Let's bail! Shotgun! Slater grabs the gun out of the disappointed Fogell's hand and holsters it. They all hop into the car. 72. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 94 94 Michaels kicks it into drive and they peel out. Fogell shoves the unconscious Homeless Guy over. OFFICER MICHAELS Hah, hah! Eat it. So, dudes, what do we do now? Suddenly, the car radio goes off. RADIO We got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview, all units in the area report to Fifth and Paysview. Car 98. That's you. Do it. Seriously. The cops stop and listen. OFFICER MICHAELS Son-of-a-bitch. (picks up radio) Car 98, ten-four. (hangs up) Ya dumb whore. Ha! FOGELL What does that mean? We gonna get to shoot anyone? OFFICER SLATER I wish. Probably some lame house party. We'll drop you off after. Cool? FOGELL Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how we roll. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - MOMENTS LATER 95 95 Seth and Evan are running down the sidewalk. They both slow to a stop to catch their breath. The party is nowhere in sight. SETH (wheezing heavily) ...huff...hufff...you fuckin' prick... EVAN What? SETH You...huff...bailed on me...huff...man. (CONTINUED) 73. 95 CONTINUED: 95 EVAN No I didn't! SETH Of course you did! We were supposed to do something and you left instead of doing it! That's the definition of bailing! EVAN If you said we should burn our dicks off and I didn't, that's not bailing! SETH It is bailing, if you promised to burn your dick off! EVAN What?! SETH The bottom line is you're a bailer. You just bailed on me, you bailed on me this morning when Terry spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year! EVAN Oh! Okay! There it is! It finally comes out! SETH We were supposed to go to college together! Since elementary school! What ever happened to that! EVAN What happened to that, is that you're too stupid to get into the schools I did! SETH I was not too stupid, I was too lazy! EVAN You've wasted all my time, you selfish bastard!!! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I threw away the last three years talking bullshit with you! And now, because of you, I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin! Seth can't believe it. He's extremely hurt. (CONTINUED) 74. 95 CONTINUED: (2) 95 SETH Getting with a girl won't make you any less of a loser next year! EVAN You talking to me or yourself? You fucking loser! Seth drops one of the tide bottles and shoves Evan hard. Evan shoves him back. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 96 96 Michaels pounds on the keypad of the little cop computer with his fist. OFFICER MICHAELS How do they expect us to work these things while we're driving? I can't even work my iMac while I'm sitting at my desk. FOGELL So, like, what does that computer do? OFFICER SLATER Pretty much anything, if you're smart enough to figure it out. Like, who do you really hate? Gimme a name. FOGELL Um...my French teacher. Mrs. Graham. Susette Graham. OFFICER MICHAELS Can I do it? Slater nods. Michaels bring her file up, then punches a few buttons and smiles. FOGELL What did you do? OFFICER MICHAELS Tomorrow, Mrs. Graham will have a boot on her car. Fogell laughs his ass off. FOGELL I hate my dad, too! (CONTINUED) 75. 96 CONTINUED: 96 OFFICER MICHAELS Okay. The place should be around here somewhere. McLovin, are the numbers on that side odd or even? FOGELL It's too dark out. OFFICER SLATER We got flashlights. Slater gets his flashlight and points it out the window. OFFICER MICHAELS I wasn't even sure light came out of those things. I thought they were just cool looking clubs. Michaels and Slater start making light saber noises and pretend to fight with their flashlights. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS 97 97 We see the COP CAR going down the street. Evan and Seth are a block down, shoving each other. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 98 98 Slater turns and points his flashlight out Michaels window, accidentally shining the light into his eyes. OFFICER MICHAELS My eyes! He jerks the wheel. EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS 99 99 Seth swings at Evan with the giant detergent jug. Evan dodges it and shoves Seth hard. Seth stumbles onto the road and gets HIT by the COP CAR!!! Seth flies up onto the hood, SMASHING the windshield. The car screeches to a halt and Seth slides off the front of the car. Seth lies motionless, still holding one of the detergent jugs. The cap is knocked loose and beer is spilling all over the place. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 100 100 Everyone in the car is looking forward, stunned. They can't see out the front window, as it is shattered. Fogell has no clue who the victim was. (CONTINUED) 76. 100 CONTINUED: 100 OFFICER MICHAELS Oh shit. Shit, shit, SHIT! OFFICER SLATER I don't believe this is happening again. FOGELL (frightened) Oh my god...is he...are you gonna make sure he's alright? OFFICER SLATER Okay, okay, we're gonna get out of the car now. McLovin, you stay right there. OFFICER MICHAELS That guy better not be dead. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS 101 101 The cops get out of the car and walk over to a now sitting up Seth. He's dazed, but okay. EVAN I'm sorry! You pushed me first. SETH I didn't push you into fucking oncoming traffic! The boys notice the cops. OFFICER MICHAELS Is everyone alright? SETH (sarcastic) We're great. OFFICER SLATER Well, you should be careful boys. That's how accidents happen. SETH What, when cops drive like maniacs and hop the fucking curb? OFFICER SLATER (intimidating) Pardon? EVAN Nothing. (CONTINUED) 77. 101 CONTINUED: 101 Evan looks like he's about to shit himself. The cops notice one of the detergent jugs in the middle of a puddle of beer. Slater dips his finger in rubs it against his gums like it was cocaine. OFFICER SLATER Pabst. You boys been doing a bit of drinking? EVAN No officer. Not at all. OFFICER SLATER (pointing to the other jug) Is that more beer you got over there? SETH Umm, no sir, detergent. OFFICER MICHAELS Detergent? SETH My clothes are dirty. The cops look at each other, then at the boys. OFFICER MICHAELS You boys stay right here. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 102 102 Fogell anxiously sits in the cop car. He can't see what's going on through the shattered windshield. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS 103 103 The cops turn away and start to whisper to one another. Seth and Evan look on, nervous. OFFICER SLATER Alright, Michaels. The car is completely fucked, and you're the one who fucked it up, so you've got to fix it. OFFICER MICHAELS What do I do? OFFICER SLATER We arrest these little crap stains and dump it on them, I'll take care of that. You go make sure McLovin is good to play ball. This is it, Michaels. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 78. 103 CONTINUED: 103 OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D) You wanna hang with the big boys, you gotta get your hands dirty. You cool? OFFICER MICHAELS Yeah, I'm cool. The cops nod to each other. Michaels goes back to the car and gets in. Slater walks back over to the boys. He puts his hand on his gun and pulls out his club, scaring the shit out of Evan and Seth. OFFICER SLATER Get on the ground. Now! Spread your shit! Evan and Seth lie down on their stomachs and spread their arms and legs out, terrified. EVAN Puh...please don't shoot. OFFICER SLATER (mocking) Puh- Puh- Please shut the fuck up! INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 104 104 Officer Michaels is sitting in the driver's seat. FOGELL Was the guy alright? OFFICER MICHAELS What? Oh, yeah, the guy was fine. Michaels looks back at the Homeless Guy, who looks a little bit more awake than before. OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D) Are you awake, sir? The guy starts to open his eyes a little. Michaels grabs the guy's face and slams it back, knocking him out again. Fogell jumps a little. OFFICER MICHEALS I'm sorry, McLovin. But I really need this to be a private thing. Officer Michaels takes out two cigarettes, and gives one to Fogell, who accepts, quivering in fear. Michaels lights his, then passes the lighter to Fogell. (CONTINUED) 79. 104 CONTINUED: 104 OFFICER MICHEALS (CONT'D) Listen McLovin, you... like... Officer Slater and myself, don't you? Fogell tries to light his cigarette. It takes a few tries and he starts hacking after the first pull. FOGELL (coughing) Umm, yeah, sure. You guys are great. OFFICER MICHAELS Yeah, well, we're also on probation. You see, we've actually trashed two other cars. The first time wasn't our fault, and the second time a bee flew in and I freaked out. Point is, we trash another car, without a good reason, we're fucked. Know what I'm saying? Fogell continues to painfully suck back on the cigarette. FOGELL Sure. OFFICER MICHAELS Now, we're going to arrest these guys, and if you don't mind, which you shouldn't, we'd like you to write a fake witness report saying they jumped out in front of our car. Cool, McLovin? Fogell nods his head, getting some of his cigarette smoke in his eyes. He winces and starts to blink in discomfort. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS 105 105 Slater stands above the boys. OFFICER SLATER How tall are you? EVAN Uh...I don't know, five-foot-ten, eleven? OFFICER SLATER And you said those were "Pumas?" Seth nods. Officer Michaels and Fogell get out of the car. Seth and Evan see Fogell and stare in shock as he takes a drag of a cigarette and then flicks it aside. (CONTINUED) 80. 105 CONTINUED: 105 Michaels pulls Slater aside and mumbles into his ear. Fogell turns and sees Seth and Evan - he's completely dumbfounded! Evan starts to look really nervous, like he might literally explode. He starts to stand up. The cops are still talking when suddenly, Evan BOLTS! OFFICER MICHAELS Shit! The cops run after Evan! Seth and Fogell look at each other. Seth grabs the remaining detergent jug and runs off in the opposite direction of Evan! Fogell reaches into the cop car, grabs the bags of booze, and follows Seth. FOGELL Seth! Wait up! Officer Slater looks back to see Seth and Fogell running. OFFICER SLATER Shit! Shit! McLovin bailed! The cops run back into their car. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 106 106 They can't see out of the shattered windshield. OFFICER SLATER Fuck! EXT. STREET WITH COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 107 107 The cops get out of the car and run off after Seth and Fogell. As they run, we see the Homeless Guy slump out of the car, landing on his face with a muffled groan. He stands up, grabs the jug of detergent that was left on the ground, and runs off. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS 108 108 Fogell and an exhausted Seth are running together. Seth grabs Fogell and takes him around a house and towards a backyard. A second later, the cops run by the house and continue up the block. EXT. BACK YARD - MOMENTS LATER 109 109 Seth and Fogell sprint across a big, dark backyard. Seth looks back to see if they are being followed...BOOM! (CONTINUED) 81. 109 CONTINUED: 109 He runs smack into a little red tent and trips onto it! KIDS inside the tent start screaming as flashlights turn on. KIDS (hysterical) Help/ It's a monster!/ Daddy! Fogell helps Seth get up. They try to run, but Seth is caught on the tent! He drags it a couple feet as the kids start clawing to get out. KIDS (CONT'D) AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! The zipper opens and a KID hops out. The Kid looks at Seth. KID AHHH!!! NO!!! DADDY!!!! FOGELL Holy shit! Little kids!!! A little GIRL runs out and books it into the house. From inside the tent, another kid starts kicking at Seth. SETH Ow! Seth manages to free himself from the tent and he and Fogell fall to the ground. The kids continue to scream. FATHER(O.S.) Get away from my children! The guys turn and see a crazed, slightly overweight FATHER in his underwear running at them with a baseball bat. Fogell and Seth scramble to their feet as the Dad takes a swing at them, narrowly missing them. FATHER(CONT'D) You sick sons-of-bitches! Fogell throws his shoulder into the guy, knocking him down. Seth and Fogell run to the backyard gate and try to open it. They can't. FOGELL Help! Fogell starts banging as Seth looks back to see the Dad coming for them. Seth swings the detergent jug at the Father, knocking him on his ass. He quickly gets up and charges, enraged. (CONTINUED) 82. 109 CONTINUED: (2) 109 FOGELL (CONT'D) Aaaahhh!!!! Fogell gets the door open and the two boys run into the alley. CUT TO: EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS 110 110 They sprint down the alley. Seth coughs and wheezes, slowing down as he lugs the detergent. The Father enters the alley and sees the boys running. He throws his baseball bat. It sails through the air and nails Seth in the back! He falls. SETH ARGGG! He gets up and the keeps running. EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS 111 111 Slater and Michaels, completely out of breath, desperately scan the area for the boys. OFFICER SLATER Stupid little bastards. OFFICER MICHAELS Maybe I should fire a shot? Scare `em out? EXT. INSIDE SOME BUSHES - CONTINUOUS 112 112 Evan is nestled inside a large bush, frantically trying to reverse his clothes so as to disguise himself. He keeps looking out for the cops, when suddenly he hears a gunshot - BLAM!!! EVAN (to himself, mumbling) Oh god. Oh god. Fuck. Fuck. As he fumbles to turn his jacket inside out and get it on, he sees Seth and Fogell running towards him. He pops out of the bush, scaring Fogell and Seth. FOGELL SETH Ahh! Jesus! EVAN (CONT'D) Should I run!?! (CONTINUED) 83. 112 CONTINUED: 112 SETH Fucking run! They all run off down the street. EXT MAIN STREET 113 113 They turn a corner at the end of the block and continue running. They turn onto a main street and are exuberant at the sight of an oncoming bus. It stops at a nearby stop. They haul ass and make it on. INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS 114 114 Out of breath, the boys dig up change and put it in the toll box, then walk towards the back of the bus. HOMELESS GUY (O.S.) Hey! It's you! Fogell looks up and sees the Homeless Guy stumbling towards them, sucking back the bottom of the lost detergent bottle. The Homeless Guy sees they have bags full of booze. HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D) You got booze in the bag? Can you gimme some? SETH No! Fuck off! You already drank our detergent beer! HOMELESS GUY That was beer?! (to Fogell) Well, you little shit...ain't got no cop people to help you keep your booze...gimme it... The Homeless Nutcase reaches for the booze. Seth steps in front of him. SETH Back off, or we'll kick the shit out of you! EVAN We can't do that. He's homeless. (CONTINUED) 84. 114 CONTINUED: 114 SETH So? Who cares? Just because he doesn't have a home doesn't mean he can be a lunatic! HOMELESS GUY Give me the booze! The guy shoves Seth aside and dives at Fogell. WE GO INTO VERY SLOW MOTION: - Helen's bottle of Goldschlager gets knocked from the bag. It VERY SLOWLY falls towards the ground. - Seth reaches for it, but doesn't quite grab it. - WE LOUDLY HEAR the bottle as it slams against the bus floor...but doesn't break! It slowly rises back up into the air and begins sailing towards the front of the bus. - Evan LEAPS through the air, sailing towards the precious Goldschlager with his arms extended. EVAN (in slo-mo voice) GOOOOOOOLDSCHLLLAAAAAAAGERRRRRRRRRR!!!!! - He is inches away from grabbing it, when it suddenly smashes into a pole, SHATTERING, sending little gold flakes everywhere. BACK TO NORMAL. The Homeless Guy sees the gold flakes. HOMELESS GUY Shit!!! Gold!!! He starts frantically picking up the flakes as Evan stares at the remains, shocked. Fogell walks over. FOGELL What the hell is going on? Where did you come from? BUS DRIVER (calling from front) Get the fuck off the bus or I'm calling the cops!!! The boys look at each other terrified, and get off the bus. 85. EXT. BUS - CONTINUOUS 115 115 Seth and Evan are looking at one another coldly as the bus pulls away. Fogell looks at some nearby street signs. FOGELL (ecstatic) Holy shit! We're like three blocks away! Best luck ever! EXT. STREET NEAR JULES' PARTY - A LITTLE LATER 116 116 The are walking up the street as Evan puts his clothes back on right-side out. EXT. JULES' PARTY - MOMENTS LATER 117 117 The guys walk up the front steps of Jules' house. They stand in front of the door. FOGELL Fuck yeah, guys. We made it. Together and safe. EVAN I can't believe Helen's bottle broke. FOGELL I'm sure it'll be fine. SETH (sarcastic) What's the difference? I thought you didn't need it anyways. I thought you were just going to tell her how you feel, you fucking pussy. EVAN Yeah? Well, good luck getting Jule's drunk enough to have sex with you. FOGELL What's wrong with you guys? SETH Shut up, Fogell. Never mind. Evan'll tell you next year. FOGELL (to Evan) You told him? Evan stares Fogell down. (CONTINUED) 86. 117 CONTINUED: 117 SETH Told me what? FOGELL Well we have to tell him now. EVAN Fuck, Fogell! You're a god damn idiot. FOGELL Well, he knows something's up. SETH Just say it! EVAN Shit. (beat) Seth, me and Fogell are rooming together next year. FOGELL I don't even get what the big deal is, to be honest. EVAN I didn't tell you because- SETH Save that shit for later. We've got shit to do. Seth just goes into the house with the booze, leaving Fogell and Evan. FOGELL We never should have had to hide our arrangement. INT. JULES' HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 118 118 The party is in full swing. There is loud music blaring and nearly a hundred people talking, dancing, and smoking. JULES Seth! Everyone, he's here! He's got it! Everyone turns around and sees the Seth holding all the liquor. RANDOM GUY He's got a shit load of booze!!! (CONTINUED) 87. 117 CONTINUED: (2) 117 Everyone starts cheering! Seth sets it out on the kitchen table; it is an impressive array of inebriates. SETH The bar is open! EVERYONE (ecstatically cheering) Yeah Seth!/Clutch!/Nice!/I can't believe it!/Seth did that?!/ Who the fuck is Seth? In the background, we see Evan and Fogell wander into the party as Jules approaches Seth. JULES This is awesome. Thank you so much. SETH Sorry it was late. JULES Yeah. To be honest, people were starting to get seriously pissed off. Listen, I've got to go tell everyone the drinks are here. Don't go anywhere. Promise? SETH I'll be right here. Jules walks off. INT. JULES' KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 119 119 Tons of kids pour themselves drinks. Seth and about six other kids all have overflowing shots of Jaeger. SETH To Jules! Everyone drinks and recoils from the taste. A random guy refills everyone's shot glasses. RANDOM GUY (pointing to Seth) Another one, but to you, man! Everyone, to this guy! Who the fuck are you, man? SETH (exuberant) Seth! (CONTINUED) 88. 119 CONTINUED: 119 RANDOM GUY To Seth! EVERYONE To Seth! They all drink. SETH Hey! Let's do another one to me! Everyone laughs as Seth, very pleased with himself, starts refilling shot glasses. EXT. JULES BACKPORCH - CONTINUOUS 120 120 Evan walks out onto the back porch, looking for Helen. He sees Becca. EVAN Becca! Hey. BECCA Where have you been, you almost blew it. EVAN What? BECCA Helen. She's been waiting for you. She's right over there. She's been yammering about you all night. EVAN What? What did she say? Does she think I'm a good guy? What did she say? BECCA It was something like, "I'll fully blow him tonight." EVAN What?!? Evan looks over and sees Helen standing on the balcony with a big group of people. He gets really nervous. EVAN (CONT'D) Oh man. This is too much. Oh god. What do I do? I lost the Goldschlager I was supposed to bring her! (CONTINUED) 89. 120 CONTINUED: 120 BECCA Well, Jordana stole a bottle of tequila from her parents and her and Helen have been going at it. I think she'll be fine in that department. I'd just go over there and invite her upstairs, pronto. EVAN What? Oh man... (so nervous) But...she's totally hammered. If I get with her, and I'm not drunk, isn't that, like, date rape? BECCA It's not date rape if you're drunk, too. EVAN I guess. Evan looks at Helen and takes a deep breath. INT. JULES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 121 121 Evan enters the bathroom and slams the door shut, a bottle of Ouzo in one hand and a beer in the other. He looks at himself in the mirror, seeming as though he's on the verge of a full- on panic attack. EVAN (panting) Calm down, Evan. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. He opens the Ouzo and smells it, recoiling in disgust. EVAN (CONT'D) Down the hatch. Evan takes a mighty swig, then gags and spits it out, spraying it everywhere. INT. JULES' DEN/ DINING ROOM- CONTINUOUS 122 122 Fogell sits bored in front of the TV, drinking a beer. He watches a bunch of girls flirt with some boys. Everyone is talking and laughing while he sits alone. He walks over to the doorway of a room filled with girls dancing. In the corner dancing is Nicola. He stares at her for a moment, then goes back and sits in front of the TV. (CONTINUED) 90. 122 CONTINUED: 122 He changes the channel and "COPS" comes on the screen. It shows two cops chasing a crack head, tackling him and knee dropping him. Fogell ponders as he watches "COPS." He throws back the rest of his beer and marches into the room Nicola is dancing in. He walks up to Nicola, who is by far the best-looking girl in the room, and starts dancing with her. She looks a bit thrown at first, but after a few beats, she seems to like it. FOGELL They call you Nicola, right? NICOLA And they call you Fogell. FOGELL Some do. They continue dancing. I/E. JULE'S KITCHEN/BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS MONTAGE INTERCUTTING SETH AND EVAN DRINKING: INT. JULES KITCHEN 123 123 - Seth taking shot after shot in the kitchen with everyone else, glancing over at Jules every now and then as she walks around the party, sending more people to drink with him. INT. JULES BATHROOM 124 124 - Evan in the bathroom, forcing himself to brutally suck back a disgusting amount of Ouzo. He sips from his beer, takes a deep breath, and then starts again. INT. JULES HOUSE 125 125 - Seth dances jokingly with a few people and tells the story of that evening, showing them the detergent jug full of beer and acting out the car hitting him. INT. JULES BATHROOM 126 126 - Evan, who has drank about half the bottle and is pretty drunk, stands up, arms reached out, and tries to walk in a straight line. He does it fairly well. Frustrated, he sits back down and takes another disgusting swig of Ouzo. 91. INT. JULES HOUSE 127 127 - Jules throws Seth a smile when she sees him making everyone laugh as he re-fills their cups with very foamy, slightly blue-tinted beer from the detergent jug. INT. JULES BATHROOM 129 129 - Evan can't keep his balance as he tries to touch his nose while standing on one foot. He's drunk. He drinks from the tap thirstily, eats some toothpaste, fixes his collar and hair, and then gathers his courage, takes a deep breath, and steps out of the bathroom. EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS 129 129 Evan walks out on the balcony. He spots the circle of people Helen was standing in, only now Helen is laying on the ground, laughing hysterically. Everyone in the circle is looking at her and laughing as well. Evan is extremely nervous. Helen looks up and spots him. HELEN (laughing) Evan!!! Hey! Come here!!! Evan takes a deep breath walks up to where she's laying. She extends her arms. HELEN (CONT'D) Help me up! None of these people will help me up! Evan notices that she seems a little drunk. He helps her up and she collapses onto him, forcing him to hold her up. EVAN Hey, Helen. Sorry I was- Helen laughs hysterically as she latches onto Evan. He smells her breath. It reeks of alcohol. Evan's drunk, but Helen is completely fucking shit-faced! HELEN Evan! Oh my god! You are so fucking hilarious! (to the group) Do you goes know how fucking hilarious Evan is? (to Evan) Tell them how hilarious you are! (CONTINUED) 92. 129 CONTINUED: 129 The group looks over to Evan. EVAN Uh...well...uh... HELEN Listen to him! Helen starts laughing hysterically. HELEN (CONT'D) See?!! He is so cute! The group chuckles a little. Helen puts her arms around Evan. HELEN (CONT'D) I've been waiting for you for, like, ever. What took you so long? Do you have my Goldschlager? EVAN Oh man, it's a crazy story- Helen picks up a bottle of tequila and shoves it into Evan's hand. HELEN Here! Don't worry, we can drink this. EVAN I'm already pretty wasted. But...uh...here's to you. Evan takes a much-unwanted drink and gags. HELEN Light-weight! Everyone laughs. HELEN (CONT'D) Hey...me and you should go upstairs now. I really want to...tell you something. EVAN (confused and drunk) Uh...uh...uh...you could just tell me right here- HELEN (laughing) No! Let's go upstairs, come on! (CONTINUED) 93. 129 CONTINUED: (2) 129 Evan hears everyone giggle as Helen pulls him towards the house. Helen trips, just managing not to fall. HELEN (CONT'D) Careful... INT. JULES' DINING ROOM WITH DANCING PEOPLE - CONTINUOUS 130 130 Nicola and Fogell are standing in the corner of the room. Nicola is looking at Fogell's ID. NICOLA McLovin! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! FOGELL Yeah, I just thought it sounded old. They both laugh and their eyes meet. INT. JULES KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 131 131 The party is in full swing and everyone is getting good and drunk. Jules walks up to Seth, who is clearly piss drunk. JULES Hey, I'm back. I had to thank the peeps for comin' out. SETH (really, really, drunk) Jules! The hostess with the most-est! The woman of the hour! Seth takes a swig of a beer. SETH (CONT'D) This party's blowin' my ass off! I want you to have a drink with me. Seth offers her a beer. JULES No, thanks. I'm good. But, seriously, thanks for getting all the drinks. It really made the night. SETH It's just how I roll, Jules. No problems, no problems. Jules laughs and Seth sees that his charm is working. (CONTINUED) 94. 131 CONTINUED: 131 SETH (CONT'D) Uh...you know...I love talking, and conversing with you, you're so good at it, but I can't hear you. Could we just go on the...uh...balcony or something? Jules eyes Seth suspiciously. Seth just looks at her, smiling drunkenly. JULES Why not? I haven't conversed in ages. Let's do it. Jules walks out of the kitchen. He finishes off his beer and then, happy as shit, drunkenly dances out of the kitchen and after Jules. INT. JULES' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 132 132 Evan practically holds Helen up, almost dropping her several times, as they stumble into Jules' bedroom. Helen puts down the tequila and starts kissing Evan, but it's not nice kissing, it's sloppy porno kissing with way too much tongue. After a few moments Evan pulls away and looks at the remarkably drunk Helen. EVAN Are you okay? HELEN I so flirt with you in Math. EVAN Oh man. Helen...I want to tell you, I mean, I've wanted to tell you, for a long time- HELEN I know. I've wanted to get with you so hard. Helen kisses him. HELEN (CONT'D) Like...so hard. Helen yanks him onto the bed and starts sloppily kissing him again. Evan doesn't know what to do. She tries to take off Evan's shirt, but is way too inebriated to undo the buttons. Evan yanks it off. HELEN (CONT'D) Good... (CONTINUED) 95. 132 CONTINUED: 132 Helen stands up and starts to waver back and forth. She looks like she's about to tip over, but she catches herself and sloppily tries to strike a sexy pose like a model. Evan watches in dread as she starts to strip, pulling her shirt over her head, completely failing to look sexual. As Evan watches the tragedy unfold, he grabs the bottle of tequila and takes a big swig. Helen sits on the floor and concentrates on untying her shoes. HELEN (CONT'D) What the fuck...stupid shoe... Evan moves over to help her. He can't do it either. EVAN Shit. Can you, like, slip out? Helen tries to squeeze her feet out, but she can't. She grabs a pair of scissors off a desk. EVAN (CONT'D) Whoa. Fuckin'...careful. She snips off the knot and slips her shoe off. HELEN You...take off your pants... (drunkenly waving the scissors) Or I'll cut `em off. Helen laughs as she staggers to her feet and start kissing Evan. He starts taking off his pants. INT. JULES' STAIRCASE - MOMENTS LATER 133 133 Nicola leads Fogell up the stairs. NICOLA I can't believe I'm about to get with "Fogell". FOGELL Why? NICOLA I don't know. You're like, the most mysterious guy in the grade. Like, nobody knows anything about you. FOGELL Well, you're about to learn a few things. 96. EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS 134 134 Jules and Seth step out onto the front porch. There is no one else out there. The moment the door closes behind them, Seth turns to Jules and puts his hands on her hips. He stares into her eyes and moves in for the kiss. Jules instantly pulls back. JULES Whoa! Whoa! Slow down. SETH What? What's wrong? JULES I'd...uh...prefer if we did this at some other time. SETH (confused) But...there is no other time. School's up! This is the only time...what's wrong with now? JULES Well, you're drunk. Like, really, really drunk. SETH So? So are you. JULES I'm not drunk at all. I don't even drink. Seth is absolutely shocked. It takes his remarkably drunk mind a moment to process this information. SETH You don't drink? But...but, you told me to get the liquor! JULES Yeah, I'm...uh...throwin' a party, remember? SETH You don't drink!?! JULES No. I don't drink. (CONTINUED) 97. 134 CONTINUED: 134 SETH And you, don't want to...uh, you know... JULES Uh, no. Not right now, thank you very much. Seth looks at Jules and realizes that he's screwed up. His eyes start to water. SETH Ahhh....man...fuck.... Seth starts to cry. JULES Are you crying? SETH No! Yeah, so what if I am? I'm a fucking idiot and it was my last chance! So I should be crying. JULES Last chance to do what? SETH To make you my girlfriend for the summer, okay? There! You're, like, the coolest person that's ever talked to me, and I thought we'd both be drunk, but... JULES What would me be drunk have anything to do with it? SETH `Cause you'd never get with me in your right mind! Look at me! (beat) And now look at you! Suddenly, the front door opens, and a RANDOM GIRL walks out. RANDOM GIRL (yelling into the house) Hey, Ricky! Was it a quarter, or an eighth you want? RICKY (O.S.) A fat eighth! The Random Girl notices Seth and Jules. (CONTINUED) 98. 134 CONTINUED: (2) 134 RANDOM GIRL Whoa. Sorry. The girl hops down the stairs and walks off as Jules stares at the sobbing Seth. INT. JULES' ROOM - CONTINUOUS 135 135 Evan sitting on the bed in only his boxers, and Helen is just getting her pants off, leaving her only in her lingerie. Evan's eyes widen. She looks at Evan and rubs her breasts in a very un-sexy way. HELEN I wore this for you. Here we go... Helen crawls onto the bed, pushes Evan down, and starts seriously making out with him, drunker and sloppier than ever. HELEN (CONT'D) Evan, I'm so wet. EVAN (still nervous) You're so beautiful. Helen shoves her hand down Evan's boxers. Evan jolts, terrified! HELEN You've got such a smooth cock. EVAN Um...thank you. I've thought you were a really incredible person for a really long time. Evan looks really nervous as Helen's hand starts moving up and down. HELEN You've got to get hard for me...real hard. EVAN I'm...I'm..I'm about to. But first I just want to tell you exactly how I- HELEN I'm gonna suck your dick so good. Evan is taken aback. (CONTINUED) 99. 135 CONTINUED: 135 EVAN You don't have to do that, you know, we can start this relationship on something more than just that. HELEN Yeah, Evan. I know. (in a sultry, whispery voice) I need you to eat my hairy love crack. EVAN Jesus Christ. Evan sits up. HELEN What's wrong? Beat. EVAN You don't want to do this. HELEN Yeah I do, I want to fuck you. EVAN Look, you know I really like you, Helen, but this is...it's just too intense. And I'm so drunk I don't even know how to, like, process- HELEN You're just being a pussy. EVAN What? Did you just call me a...pussy? HELEN Yeah...a scared little pussy- PUKE! Evan watches in horror as Helen vomits all over Jules' bed. EVAN Oh god! Oh... HELEN I need Becca...Becca... EVAN I'll...uh...I'll go get her. Are you going to be okay? (CONTINUED) 100. 135 CONTINUED: (2) 135 HELEN Oh God, oh God, oh...I'm puking... PUKE! Evan winces as she throws up again. INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 136 136 Fogell is laying on his back on the bed and Nicola is straddling him. They are kissing. Nicola sits up and takes Fogell's hand and starts sucking his fingers. FOGELL I've got a boner. NICOLA Good. Do you have a condom? He pulls a condom out. FOGELL And lube. He pulls out a little bottle of lube. EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH 137 137 Seth and Jules are both seated on the stairs. Seth has his face in his hands. Jules is patting him on the back, but clearly feels awkward. JULES Seth, you...uh... Seth looks up at her, drunk as hell, his eyes half-open. JULES (CONT'D) You didn't blow it, you're a- Seth blanks out and falls forward. BAM! He head-butts Jules in the face! JULES (CONT'D) AAAHHH! Jules clutches her eye as Seth slumps onto the patio floor, unconscious. She gets up, yelling in pain, as Seth opens his eyes. JULES (CONT'D) Seth! What the fuck! SETH ...help me... (CONTINUED) 101. 137 CONTINUED: 137 Jules storms into the house, leaving Seth lying on the front porch. He wiggles around a bit. SETH (CONT'D) ...sorry... Seth passes out again. A few moments go by, when SUDDENLY a cop car pulls up in front of the house. Seth opens his eyes and sees the cops. SETH (CONT'D) Oh no. Two cops get out and start harassing two kids smoking a joint on the front lawn. One of them turns on their flashlight and Seth sees - it's OFFICER SLATER and MICHAELS!!! SETH (CONT'D) ...Evan... INT. JULES' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 138 138 Evan, sitting on the couch next to Miroki (Evan's partner from cooking class), drinking a bottle of tequila. He's absolutely smashed. EVAN Life's bullshit, huh, Miroki? Suddenly, Seth bursts into the room and grabs Evan's shirt. EVAN (CONT'D) Fuckin' wax off, asshole! SETH No...I'm helping you, man! Just listen... Seth grabs Evan's wrists and tries to pull him to his feet. EVAN Fuck off, jerk! You're hurting my shoulders! Just then, Terry (the guy who spat on Seth in the beginning) walks by. TERRY Hey! Look, it's Christina and Britney. Have fun boning each other on grad night! Terry and his buddies laugh their asses off when, suddenly- (CONTINUED) 102. 138 CONTINUED: 138 KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The loud authoritative knocking echoes through the party and everyone looks to the door, knowing it can only mean one thing. Someone opens the door, revealing Officer Slater and Officer Michaels! They talk to whoever answered the door, oblivious of Evan and Seth. OFFICER SLATER We had a complaint about the noise. It looks like you're having a nice little party here. OFFICER MICHAELS A nice little underage drinking party. Evan points at the cops. EVAN Dude! Seth! It's the cops! The cops. SETH That's what I've been...! Here... Seth pulls Evan up and the two drunkenly make their way out of the living room just as the cops step into it. OFFICER SLATER Okay, everyone out. Party's over. Get out of here. Michaels turns to Slater. OFFICER SLATER(CONT'D) I'll go upstairs. I told you this would release some anger. OFFICER MICHAELS I'll tell you what would release some anger, if one of these little fuckers touched me and I got to club his face in. EXT. JULES' BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS 139 139 Seth and Evan run through the back yard. Seth stumbles and falls, but quickly gets up. With great difficulty, The boys drunkenly lift themselves up and over the fence. INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 140 140 Fogell is on top of Nicola in the missionary position. NICOLA Oh...uh...oh... (CONTINUED) 103. 140 CONTINUED: 140 FOGELL It's...it's in. (beat) It's in. Fogell wears the greatest look of accomplishment one could possibly imagine. SUDDENLY, Officer Michaels bursts into the room and flicks on the lights. FOGELL (CONT'D) What the hell? Nicola screams, grabs her clothes, and runs into the bathroom. OFFICER SLATER McLovin? What the fuck? FOGELL Officer Slater? OFFICER SLATER You ran away from us! (turns to the door) Michaels! Get up here! FOGELL No! I hit my head when we crashed. I was all disoriented and I just wandered off, confused. Seriously! OFFICER MICHAELS Shut the fuck up! Wait a minute. How old was that girl? 16, 17? You sick bastard, that's statutory rape, McLovin. Officer Slater appears in the doorway. OFFICER SLATER McLovin! OFFICER MICHAELS He was violating a sixteen year-old girl! FOGELL What? No! No! Fogell covers himself with the blanket and starts to get up. (CONTINUED) 104. 140 CONTINUED: (2) 140 FOGELL (CONT'D) I didn't break the law! I'm not really even- OFFICER MICHAELS Sit your ass down and keep it down. OFFICER SLATER You're going to jail, fucko. Nicola, now dressed, emerges from the bathroom. She screams and runs out. They take Fogell's arms and handcuff him. OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D) (to Fogell) They don't take kindly to your type in jail, McLovin. EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS 141 141 Drunk, joyful, and out of breath, the boys stop running. EVAN Dude. You saved me! SETH I totally did! I wanted to! EVAN Wanna sleep at my house, man? You're my best friend! SETH Yeah! Sleepover! Fuckin...you got pizza bagels still? EVAN Yeah!!!! Look what else I gots! Evan pulls a half bottle of tequila. SETH Nice! They start to drink it together. EXT. JULES' FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS 142 142 All the kids from the party have congregated in the front yard. The cop car is parked right in front. We see the Officers dragging Fogell through the crowd of kids. (CONTINUED) 105. 142 CONTINUED: 142 TERRY (O.S.) Stupid pigs. SUDDENLY, a WAD OF SPIT hits Slater in the shoulder! He turns and sees Terry, the guy who spat on Seth. Slater walks over and bashes the kid in the face with his nightstick. The kid drops. OFFICER SLATER There you go. OFFICER MICHAELS That does feel better. They throw Fogell into the back of the cop car. INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 143 143 The cops both get in and slam their doors. They just stare forward. FOGELL So...am I going to jail? The two cops burst out laughing hysterically. OFFICER SLATER (laughing his ass off) Yeah!! You're going to fuckin' Azkaban!!! FOGELL What? OFFICER MICHAELS You are the funniest fuckin' kid I have ever met! OFFICER SLATER We've been fuckin' with you! Jesus! I love this kid! FOGELL I don't understand! OFFICER SLATER We know you're not twenty five! What are we, morons? My god! What are you? Sixteen? FOGELL Seventeen. (CONTINUED) 106. 143 CONTINUED: 143 OFFICER MICHAELS Seventeen! Ha! We had you going, McLovin! EXT. BUS - SOON AFTER 144 144 Seth and Evan sit at the back of the empty bus together. EVAN Is the bang bus anything like this? Seth cracks up laughing. EXT. SHOPWELL'S - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS 145 145 The cop car is spinning donuts in the middle of the empty lot. It stops. Fogell and Officer Michaels get out, both smiling. The driver side window rolls down, reveal Slater. OFFICER SLATER Alright, boys. What I'm about to show you is pretty much the greatest move in donut- spinning history. Behold: the reverse figure-eight. Slater drives to the other side of the lot. FOGELL So, like, what's your official position? OFFICER MICHAELS If you were in, you were in. You are no longer a virgin, end of story. Screw cumming. Suddenly, Slater guns it and speeds across the lot, slamming the breaks, spinning wildly in several erratic donuts backward donuts. Slater completely loses control of the car. He smashes through a bunch of shopping carts and slams into a light post, completely fucking up the cruiser. Slater tries to open his door, but it won't budge. He crawls out the missing windshield, slumping onto the ground. OFFICER SLATER Alright. I think that's all the fun we're gettin' out of this one. EXT. CLIFFSIDE - LATER 146 146 Slater hands Fogell his note pad. (CONTINUED) 107. 146 CONTINUED: 146 OFFICER SLATER ...and by signing this you are officially saying that as we stopped you from being mugged, a crack-head stole our cruiser and did God knows what with it. FOGELL Of course. That mugger had nothing but murder in his eyes. I owe you my life. Fogell signs the pad. OFFICER MICHAELS Can we do this already? The cops and Fogell push the cruiser towards a small, but steep, hill. They shove it over the edge and watch it roll. It gains speed and smashes into a tree, shattering the windows and crushing the front of the car. OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D) Can we shoot at it? OFFICER SLATER I don't know, can you? They whip out their guns. OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D) I'm throwin' down the gauntlet. 50 bucks. Whoever hits the gas tank. OFFICER MICHAELS You are so fucking on. FOGELL Can I get a shot? Slater hands Fogell his gun. With a huge smile, Fogell raises the gun, aims it at the police cruiser, and BLASTS off round after round. INT. EVAN'S BASEMENT - NIGHT 147 147 Seth and Evan are lying in sleeping bags beside one another. The now empty bottle of Tequila lies between them. They are laughing very hard, still drunk off their asses. SETH I can't believe she said that shit. EVAN Oh my lord. You have no idea! (CONTINUED) 108. 147 CONTINUED: 147 They laugh harder. EVAN (CONT'D) And then you saved me, man! I fucking love you! SETH I fucking love you, too, man! I'm not embarrassed, I just love you! EVAN Why don't we say that more? It feels good! I love you more than my brother, man. Like, when you went away for Easter last year, I, like, missed you. You know? SETH I missed you, too. Come here, man. Seth grabs Evan and they hug. SETH (CONT'D) We'll always be friends. `Cause we love each other. They stop hugging and sit back down. They're laughter slows down and there is a moment of silence. SETH (CONT'D) Like, three weeks ago I was in you room and, like, you were taking a dump and...I saw your residence placement thingy. I totally saw you're living with Fogell. So, like- EVAN I'm sorry, man. SETH Don't be! Don't be! I'm sorry. I was being a bitch. EVAN I need you to know that it's not like I even want to live with Fogell; it's just that I'm really afraid of living with strangers. There is a moment of silence. (CONTINUED) 109. 147 CONTINUED: (2) 147 SETH You know...I was pissed off I didn't get with Jules, but, like...we really got through a lot of our shit, you know? EVAN Yeah, me too. Like, yeah...at least we kind of came together, again. Beat. EVAN (CONT'D) Good night, Seth. I love you. SETH Night, Evan. Love you, man. INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - THE NEXT MORNING 148 148 Evan wakes up and looks over at Seth, who is also waking. They look at each other extremely awkwardly, almost as though they drunkenly had sex with each other last night. EVAN Oh...uh...hey. Morning. SETH Uh...morning. They stare at each other, uncomfortable. EVAN You sleep good? SETH Yeah. This is a really good pillow. EVAN Um... Seth looks at his watch. SETH Maybe I should get going. EVAN You don't have to. I'm not, like, doing anything. Beat. (CONTINUED) 110. 148 CONTINUED: 148 SETH Oh...do you want to hang out? I was...gonna go to the mall, actually. EVAN Oh. Cool, well, can I come? I need a comforter. For college. SETH Yeah. That'd be nice. I'd really like that. INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - NEXT DAY 149 149 Evan is standing in the pants section of a department store. Seth walks out of the dressing room wearing jeans that are way too small. EVAN Don't ask me. I don't give a shit if your pants look good. SETH Well, I need someone's opinion. EVAN Fine. They're way too small. SETH Yeah, but when I was wearing your dad's pants last night I realized that if I buy pants that are too small it'll encourage me to lose weight. And in tight pants chicks'll kind of see my dick a little. EVAN Yeah, the male camel toe look is really big this year. Seth goes back into the dressing room and wriggles out of the pants. He walks out. SETH These pants suck. Let's the get the fuck out of here. INT. DEPARTMENT STORE 150 150 They walk through the department store, when suddenly, Evan sees Helen and Jules looking at comforters. ANGLE ON: Helen and Jules (CONTINUED) 111. 150 CONTINUED: 150 HELEN Again, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I actually did that. JULES I feel sorry that I'm making you buy me a new one. HELEN I have to. It's puke. ANGLE ON: Seth and Evan EVAN Holy shit! Helen looks like hell and Jules has a horrible black eye. SETH Is that them? They stare at the two girls from afar. EVAN Should we hide? Helen looks and notices them. She waves and points them out to Jules. Seth and Evan wave back. The girls get up and start to walk over. SETH (pretending to smile) Fuck that, man. I can't talk to her, look what I did to her! EVAN (pretending to smile) Helen called me a pussy to my face! What am I going to say to her? The girls walk up to them. HELEN JULES Hi Evan, Seth. Hey guys. EVAN SETH Hi Helen, Hi Jules. Jules. Helen. Hi. Everyone looks very embarrassed. SETH Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Jules. (CONTINUED) 112. 150 CONTINUED: (2) 150 JULES It's okay. EVAN (to Helen) How are you feeling? HELEN Not bad, but not great, how about you? SETH (to Jules) That looks terrible. No! I mean, it doesn't look terrible, it looks- JULES Don't worry about it, Seth. It was an accident. EVAN (to Helen) Did you have fun last night? JULES (to Seth) Do you remember much? HELEN (to Evan) I really don't remember much. SETH (to Jules) Not really. I remember looking up, and you screaming at me. That's about it. Jules laughs. HELEN (to Evan) I didn't puke on you, did I? Evan laughs. EVAN No, I dodged it. Whizzed right by me. SETH (to Jules) But seriously, I acted like a fuckin' idiot last night. I'm really sorry, you didn't deserve that. (CONTINUED) 113. 150 CONTINUED: (3) 150 HELEN (to Evan) Yeah, I...um...I'm sorry, about all that. Thanks for being such a gentleman. There is a moment of silence. SETH You look good with a black eye. They all chuckle a little. JULES Thanks, smart guy. That's why I'm here. I have to go to Macy's to get a shitload of cover-up for the grad photo. SETH (mortified) Oh man... HELEN Yeah, and I'm going to Linen Brothers to buy Jules a new comforter. EVAN Oh! I have to get a comforter too, for college. JULES (flirtatiously, joking) So, you gonna come with me to Macy's and buy me my cover-up, or what? SETH Yes! Definitely. I'd love to. I had such bad acne last year, I became an expert on the stuff. EVAN You could get your college pants there. SETH Yeah, but wait...you drove me here, Evan drove me here, how do we- JULES I've got my dad's car. I'll take you home, and Evan can give Helen a lift. HELEN That sounds good. (CONTINUED) 114. 150 CONTINUED: (4) 150 EVAN Maybe we can go eat after? HELEN Sweet. Seth and Evan look at each other, odd smiles on both their faces. They didn't blow it. SETH So, uh, I'll call you later. EVAN Yeah man, have a good one. JULES Come on, Seth. Let's go. Jules pulls Seth away. Evan and Helen start walking in the opposite direction. As they walk away from one another, Seth and Evan look back and give each other a small and yet emotionally-charged wave. A SLOW, GUT WRENCHING SOUL SONG STARTS TO PLAY. They look as though they're never going to see each other again. INT. MACY'S ESCALATOR 151 151 As Jules and Seth walk into Macy's and Helen and Evan descend an escalator, the music swells to a mind-fuckingly awesome crescendo, and we humbly fade to black... THE END END CREDIT SEQUENCE: We flip through Seth's seemingly endless penis drawings from childhood. They are hilarious.