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Superbad Movie Script

Writer(s) : Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Genres : Comedy

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                                SUPERBAD


                               Written by

                      Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg




                                                      July 20, 2006


    OPENING CREDITS OVER SUPER-FUNKY BLAXPLOITATION-STYLE MUSIC,
    which builds to an exciting crescendo filling us with the
    expectation of a thrilling, action-packed opening sequence.

    Instead we get:

    INT. SETH'S CAR - MORNING

    Seth, seventeen, a bit heavyset, in the midst of a sad
    attempt at growing a goatee and clearly a terrible driver,
    cruises along while fiddling with the CD player. He pulls out
    his cell and dials.

                           SETH
              Yo.

    INTERCUT WITH:

    INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
2                                                                   2

    Evan, seventeen, a little too tall and slim, a boy who
    clearly never figured out how to style his hair, is finishing
    off a bowl of cereal. He is on his cell phone.

                           EVAN
              What's up?

                        SETH
              I was doing research last night, for next
              year, and I think I'm gonna go with Bang
              Bus.

                        EVAN
              Which one's Bang Bus?

                        SETH
              The one where they bang the chicks on the
              bus. Thirteen bucks a month. Total
              access, live Web Cam feed. The works.
              It'll be like I'm on the bus, banging
              them myself.

                        EVAN
              That stuff's bullshit, they're all faking
              it. And plus, your parents are gonna look
              at the bill.

                         SETH
              It shows up under a different name.
                  (beat)
              I hope. Bang Bus.
                         (MORE)

                                                      (CONTINUED)
                                                                     2.
2   CONTINUED:                                                         2
                           SETH (CONT'D)
                 That wouldn't look good. Maybe I should
                 just pick the one with the least dirty
                 sounding name.

                           EVAN
                 Weapons of Ass Destruction's out then.

    Seth pulls up in front of a house.

                           SETH
                 I could tell my parents I'm doing a
                 project on Rome and I have to research
                 orgies.

    EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
3                                                                         3

    Evan walks out his front door. WE REVEAL he is walking
    towards Seth's car.

                           EVAN
                     (still into phone)
                 Yeah. Just tell them your taking a class
                 on blow jobs.

    They both hang up and Evan gets in the car. Seth is about to
    pull away, when EVAN'S MOTHER comes out the front door.

                           EVAN'S MOM
                 Thanks for taking him, Seth.

    Evan changes the radio station. Seth slaps his hand.

                           SETH
                 Don't touch that!

                           EVAN'S MOM
                 You two are so funny. I can't imagine
                 what you'll do without each other next
                 year. Evan told me you didn't get into
                 State.

                           SETH
                 Yeah, you know. I got some other places.
                 Good places. I think we'll be fine.

                           EVAN'S MOM
                 Are you going to miss each other?



                           EVAN
                 Miss each other? No!



                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                     3.
3   CONTINUED:                                                         3


                           SETH
                 That's disgusting.

                              MOM
                 Bye, boys.

    Seth and Evan drive off.

                           SETH
                 I am truly, truly jealous that you got to
                 suck on those tits when you were a baby.

                           EVAN
                 Fuck you, man.

    EXT. CLARK SECONDARY- SOON AFTER
4                                                                         4

    They drive up to Clark Secondary. There is a giant sign that
    reads "Seniors - Two Glorious Weeks Until Graduation". Seth
    turns into the STAFF parking lot.

    INT/EXT. 7-11 STORE - MOMENTS LATER
5                                                                         5

    Seth and Evan walk past a group of smokers, towards the 7-11.

                           EVAN
                 You're being an idiot, man. You really
                 shouldn't park there.

                           SETH
                 Fuck it. I'm a senior about to graduate.
                 They should be suckin' my balls. It's the
                 least they can do for stealing three
                 years of my life.

    They walk past DIMITRI (18, big Native American guy) as they
    enter the store. Dimitri aggressively bumps his shoulder into
    Seth.

                           EVAN
                 What the hell's wrong with Dimitri?

                           SETH
                 Oh, yeah dude, I forgot to tell you. I
                 knocked the fuckin' shit out of him in
                 capture the flag last week.

                           EVAN
                 Good! 9th Grade Camp he gave me whiplash
                 in "King of the Ring." I fucking hate
                 that guy.

    They go to the magazine rack and stare at a Maxim cover.

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                    4.
5   CONTINUED:                                                        5


                           EVAN (CONT'D)
                 Look at those nipples.

                           SETH
                 They're like baby toes.

                           EVAN
                 It's not fair. I have to hide every
                 erection I get.

                           SETH
                 Sometimes I get boners so big I can't
                 hide them. And then I get nervous and my
                 heart starts pounding, and it all just,
                 like, feeds my boner. It just becomes
                 this...thing...that's attached to me. And
                 it won't go away.

                           EVAN
                 Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out
                 by our boners and they actually wanted to
                 see `em, like this shit.

                           SETH
                 You know it's been, like, a year and a
                 half since I've seen an actual human
                 female nipple. Besides my mom's. I saw it
                 last month, and it was sick.

                           EVAN
                 Holy shit. Liat was two years ago? I
                 guess so. She was insanely hot, though.

                           SETH
                 Exactly. Too hot. That's what sucks.

                           EVAN
                 How can that possibly suck? I'd be
                 fuckin' psyched if I'd gotten with a girl
                 that hot. You got, like, two dozen
                 handjobs!

                           SETH
                 And three quarters of a blowjob, But that
                 was fuckin' it. It was the peak of my ass-
                 gettin' career, and it happened way, way,
                 way too early.

                           EVAN
                 You're like Orson Welles.




                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                  5.
5   CONTINUED: (2)                                                  5


                        SETH
              Exactly! If I'd built up to it, I'd
              probably at least be having steady sex
              with a mediocre-looking girl at this
              point. I honestly now see why Orson
              Welles ate his fat ass to death.

                        EVAN
              You'll have sex in college. Everyone
              does. And if not, you'll have the Bang
              Bus.

                        SETH
              But the key is to be good at sex by the
              time you're in college. You don't want
              girls to think you suck dick at fucking.

                        EVAN
              I still think you've got a chance with
              Jules. She got mad hot over last summer,
              and clearly hasn't realized it, `cause
              she still flirts with you.

                        SETH
              Are you joking, man? Let's see here...she
              dated Dan Remick, Matt Muir, Josh Corber
              and what's-his-face. All of those were
              cool guys. She's been hot way longer than
              you think. Why would she end her high
              school career with me?

                        EVAN
              Well, Helen got with Ariel Shafir.

                        SETH
              Yeah, and he was a complete fucking
              loser. You're a step up from that. Which
              is why you should stop being a pussy and
              do her! You could nailthe shit out of
              her for, like, two months before you
              leave. That bitch looks like a good
              fucker.

                        EVAN
              Hey! I'm sick of you talking about her
              like that, man!

    Evan starts to walk out. Seth follows.

                        SETH
              What, you can talk about that bitch all
              day every single day, but I can't say one
              thing about her?

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                  6.
5   CONTINUED: (3)                                                  5


                        EVAN
              I don't constantly insult her.

                        SETH
              I didn't insult her! I said she looks
              like a good fucker! She looks like she
              can take a dick. That's a good thing.
              Some women pride themselves on their dick-
              taking abilities.

    EXT. 7-11 - CONTINUOUS
6                                                                      6

    Seth and Evan come out the front doors. TERRY, one of the
    rough-looking smokers, calls out.

                        TERRY
              Yo. Seth. Did you hear I'm having the big
              grad party?

    Evan, a little scared, keeps his distance.

                        SETH
              No.

                        TERRY
              Yeah.

    Terry spits on Seth's shirt.

                        TERRY (CONT'D)
              And you're not coming. Tell your fucking
              faggot friend he can't come either.

    Seth wipes the spit off. He looks at Terry and seems as
    though he's about to say something, but is interrupted when
    Terry starts hocking up more spit. Seth runs away as Terry
    and his friends laugh. He catches up to Evan and they head
    back to school.

                        EVAN
              Wow. You really bitched out on that one.

                         SETH
              I bitched out? You bitched out! You were
              across the street before I even realized
              what was going on.
                  (beat)
              That guy's such a douche bag.

    EXT. CLARK SECONDARY OVAL RUNNING TRACK - DAY
7                                                                      7




                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                   7.
7   CONTINUED:                                                       7


    BIRD'S EYE VIEW OF A P.E. CLASS

    There are 30 guys standing behind the starting line of the
    school's track. We hear a TEACHER yell "Go!" and the boys
    start running.

    We FOLLOW them from above. All the boys keep pretty much the
    same pace except for one runner who slowly lags behind. The
    group gets so far ahead of the him that he is alone in the
    frame. He stops.

    CLOSE UP OF THE RUNNER:

    Kneeling on the track breathing heavily. It's Seth.

                           SETH
                     (panting)
                     This...is...bullshit.

    A moment later a KID with prosthetic leg jogs by.

                           KID
                     (as he passes Seth)
                 Poo-say.

    INT. CLARK SECONDARY CLASSROOM - DAY
8                                                                       8

    Evan is sitting in math class staring at HELEN'S breasts.
    She`s a very tall girl and is athletic in a sexy way, wearing
    volleyball team sweat pants and a tank top. He looks up from
    her breasts to her face: she is staring right at him. He
    immediately looks to the front of the class, embarrassed.

    The bell rings and everyone leaves. Helen walks up to Evan as
    they enter the hallway. He's really nervous. She offers him a
    pen.

                           HELEN
                 Hey Evan, thanks for the pen.

                           EVAN
                 Oh, don't worry, no worries. Just keep
                 it. Then you'll just have it, and you
                 won't have to borrow another pen.

                           HELEN
                 Thanks...uh...I was going to ask you, did
                 you hear about Terry's grad party? It's
                 going to be so insane.

                           EVAN
                 Yeah, it's a maybe. But, you know, I
                 gotta, I got my...
                           (MORE)
                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                 8.
8   CONTINUED:                                                     8
                           EVAN (CONT'D)
                 there's so much other fun shit that is
                 going to be going on that night...so, you
                 know...

                           HELEN
                 Fun shit? But I, like, never see you at
                 any parties or anything.

                           EVAN
                 Because of all the other fun shit I'm off
                 doing.

                           HELEN
                     (playful)
                 Okay. So why weren't you at Dimitri's
                 party on Saturday?

                           EVAN
                 Dimitri's? I uh...didn't want to go,
                 because, well, I did other stuff.
                 Saturday...
                     (nervous, he desperately
                      thinks)
                 Oh yeah! Saturday night was awesome!

    (The real version of Evan's story is shown through a montage
    of quick flashbacks.)

                           EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O)
                 First my parents went out to a double
                 feature, so a bunch of people came
                 over...

    INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
9                                                                  9

    Seth is there. Evan and him are surfing the Bang Bus web
    site. FOGELL arrives with a bottle of Sambuca. Fogell is one
    of those seniors who looks like he's thirteen years old.

                           EVAN
                 ...and we had a couple drinks in my
                 basement...

    An empty bottle of Sambuca in front of them and empty beer
    cans at their feet, the three boys each shotgun a beer.

                           EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O)
                 ...and Seth's parents were having this
                 cocktail party, and we went over there
                 to, like, mingle...
                                                                  9.



     INT SETH'S HOUSE - NIGHT
10                                                                  10

     Seth's parents are having a fancy cocktail party. The boys
     are drunk as hell.

                         EVAN
               ...and there were actually some really
               interesting and, like, entertaining
               people there...

     The boys laugh hysterically as they each shake Tobassco Sauce
     onto their tongues. They writhe around in agony as several
     adults look at them like they are morons.

                         EVAN (CONT'D) (V.O.)
               ...and, uh, then we saw some, uh, live
               music.

     INT. SETH'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
11                                                                  11

     In Seth's basement, the boys violently wrestle. Evan gives
     Fogell a bloody nose, but they all can't help but laugh.

                         EVAN
               ...then we went to a club downtown...

     EXT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
12                                                                  12

     The bouncer of a dirty strip club rejects them.

                         EVAN
               ...and then we pretty much called it a
               night and went home...

     INT. TBD HOUSE - NIGHT
13                                                                  13

     Evan pukes all over Seth. Evan and Fogell laugh hysterically
     as Seth yells at them.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - DAY
14                                                                  14

     We return to Evan talking to Helen in the halls.

                         EVAN
               ...you would've loved it.

                         HELEN
               That sounds so fun. I would love to go do
               something like that.




                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                     10.
14   CONTINUED:                                                        14


                            EVAN
                  Yeah...well, you know, me and Seth are
                  always cooking up...uh...fun
                  little...events.

     Helen is disappointed in his response.

                             HELEN
                  So, are you guys going to the same school
                  next year?

                            EVAN
                  Nah. We were going to but, uh, we got
                  into different ones.

                            HELEN
                  What are you going to do without him?

                            EVAN
                  Same shit I've always been doing. It'll
                  be fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not.

     INT. FOODS AND NUTRITION ROOM - NEXT PERIOD
15                                                                     15

     Students file into the home economics room. The blackboard
     reads, TODAY: TIRAMISU. The ingredients are listed below.

     Seth is talking to the cooking teacher.

                            SETH
                  Mrs. Grier, I joined this class because I
                  thought I'd be cooking with a partner.
                  It's not fair. She's never here. I don't
                  get twice the marks for doing all the
                  work.

                            MRS. GREIR
                  I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

                            SETH
                  Look at Evan.

     Evan is playfully throwing flour at a tiny Japanese boy. They
     both laugh hard.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  While I'm over in my unit, isolated and
                  alone, eating my terrible-tasting food
                  because I can't even properly mix
                  ingredients by myself, I gotta look over
                  at that.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                      11.
15   CONTINUED:                                                         15


     The Japanese boy ties Evan's apron. Evan then turns around
     and ties the boy's apron. They both look happy.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  I wash and dry. And that is B.S. I'm like
                  a single mother.

                            MRS. GREIR
                  Well, save it for next week. Today Jules'
                  partner isn't here either. Pair up with
                  her. Station four.

                            SETH
                  Jules?

     The teacher walks away. Seth looks over to station four,
     nervous as hell.

     ANGLE ON: Jules, well-dressed and "popular" looking.       She
     stands alone at station four, laying out utensils.

     Seth musters his courage and walks towards Jules. He stops,
     unsure of what to say.

                            JULES
                  Hey Seth, your partner didn't come again?

                            SETH
                  That's kind of a personal question.

                            JULES
                  What?

                            SETH
                      (nervous)
                  Nothing. It was my attempt at humour.

                            JULES
                  Well, uh, maybe I kidnapped her so you'd
                  be forced to work with me. There's my
                  attempt at humour.

                            SETH
                  Well, I would call that a success.
                      (reading recipe sheet)
                  Marscampone... scamponee cheese? Is that
                  some kind of new cheese or something?

                            JULES
                  All cheese tastes the same to me anyway.

                            SETH
                  Except blue cheese. That stuff is sick.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  12.
15   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 15


                         JULES
               Thank you! Yes! My older brother always
               eats blue cheese. You know that stuff is
               actually moldy. Like, they tell you it's
               moldy, then they tell you to eat it
               anyway.

                         SETH
               Well whoever "they" are, they can eat my
               dick.

     INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM - LATER
16                                                                  16

     Jules watches as Seth awkwardly removes the tiramisu from the
     oven and places it on the table.

                         JULES
               What are you doing tonight?

                         SETH
               I don't know, probably nothing. Why?

                         JULES
               My parents are out of town and I'm
               thinking of having a party. I don't know
               how big it'll be, but you should come
               anyways.

                         SETH
               Yeah. Sure. That sounds fun. I love
               parties.

                         JULES
               Really? I don't usually see you at them.

                         SETH
               Oh, uh. It's more of, like, a love-hate
               thing. Right now I love them, though.
               Uh...how do I do this?

                         JULES
               I'll write down my address and number.

     ANGLE ON: Evan.

     Evan is standing by the sink scrubbing a tray. Behind him, at
     the table, is the small Japanese boy eating the tiramisu.

                         EVAN
               That's good shit. Huh, Miroki?

     Seth walks up to Evan.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    13.
16   CONTINUED:                                                       16


                            SETH
                      (whispering)
                  Dude! She's havin' a fuckin' party.

     ANGLE ON: Fogell entering the room

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                      (whispering)
                  Don't tell Fogell about the party.

                             FOGELL
                  Hey guys, I was walking here, and on the
                  way, I saw Nicola, and she was wearing
                  these tight white pants and a black g-
                  string and you could see it right through
                  the pants.

     INT. HALLWAY (FLASHBACK) - EARLIER
17                                                                    17

     We see Fogell, looking at the ass of NICOLA, an incredibly
     hot girl who exudes sexual vibes and looks a little skanky;
     you can see her black g-string through her tight white pants.
     She turns and notices Fogell. He gives an awkward look.

                            FOGELL
                  It's nine thirty.

                             NICOLA
                  What?

     INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (PRESENT) - CONTINUOUS
18                                                                    18

     Back to Fogell, Seth and Evan.

                            FOGELL
                  I told her what time it was. It was
                  awesome. She's got the nicest ass.

                            SETH
                  Like you'd know what to do with it.

                            FOGELL
                  Ha ha. I'm really gonna miss your knee-
                  slappers when me and Evan are at State.

                            SETH
                      (pissed)
                  Yeah, well I'll be at Junior college
                  where the girls are half as smart, and
                  thus twice as likely to blow me.

                            FOGELL
                  What are you guys doing tonight?

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                     14.
18   CONTINUED:                                                        18


                            SETH
                  Nothing. Sorry. You'll just have to
                  fingerbang yourself.

                            EVAN
                      (to Fogell)
                  What you doing?

                            FOGELL
                  Well, Seth always said I was too much of
                  a pussy, but he was wrong. It's been
                  arranged. At lunch, I'm going to the same
                  place Mike Snider went to pick up my
                  brand new false identification card.

                            SETH
                  Dude! That's perfect, `cause, Evan,
                  didn't you just say that you heard about
                  a party?

                            FOGELL
                      (to Evan)
                  Why didn't you tell me?

                            SETH
                  Shut up. Who cares? Just be happy he
                  told. And hey! Now you can buy the booze.

                            FOGELL
                  Sounds cool. Cool.

                            MRS. GREIR (O.S.)
                  If you're not in this class, leave this
                  class!

                            EVAN
                  Well done, man. We'll see you after
                  class.

     Fogell leaves.

                            SETH
                  Did you tell that nimrod you're not going
                  to room with him?

                            EVAN
                  Uh...no, not yet.

                             SETH
                  You better, man. That guy is a poon-tang
                  repellent.

     Seth sees Jules coming.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                 15.
18   CONTINUED: (2)                                                18


                         JULES
               Seth, dishes time. What's the hold up?

                         SETH
               We're getting a fake ID.

                         JULES
               Well, you two have four more years to
               cuddle, so let's get to work.

                         EVAN
               Actually, we're going to different
               schools.

                         JULES
               Really? You're cutting the cord? What's
               going to happen?

                         SETH
               Nothing! Jesus.

                         EVAN
               Yeah? What do people think is gonna
               happen? That's what I don't get.

                         SETH
               We're not, like, dependent on each other.

                         EVAN
               We met when we were 8, we were fine
               before then. It's not like we do
               everything together.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - DAY
19                                                                 19

     Seth and Evan are eating together.

                         EVAN
               So it looks like we get a little
               graduation party after all.

                         SETH
               I would do terrible things to get with
               Jules tonight. Terrible things.

                         EVAN
               No shit. I'd give my left foot to start
               dating Helen. She's killin' me.

                         SETH
               Ah, Helen's a bitch.

     Evan slams his fist on the table.

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                  16.
19   CONTINUED:                                                     19


                            EVAN
                  I'm fuckin' sick of this shit, man!
                  Seriously. Why do you hate her? Is there
                  even an actual reason? Because seriously,
                  I'm beginning you think you like her.

                            SETH
                  Hell no! I hate her.

                            EVAN
                  Why?

                             SETH
                  I was never going to tell you this story,
                  because I knew that if you heard it you
                  would never want to get with Helen, but
                  over the last few weeks I've been having
                  a hard time thinking of a reason not to.
                  So, here it is. Helen and I went to
                  elementary school together, right?
                      (beat)
                  Well, in the third grade, I
                  had...like...an odd problem. For some
                  reason, I don't know why, I used to have
                  this thing...where I would...like,
                  kinda...sit around all day and draw
                  pictures of dicks.

                            EVAN
                  What?

     INT/EXT VARIOUS LOCATIONS
20                                                                  20

     A MONTAGE of FLASHBACKS of YOUNG SETH (Age 10) drawing
     pictures of dicks in various places. A PARK, AT HOME, IN A
     SANDBOX, and finally, in a SCHOOL CLASSROOM.

                            SETH (V.O.)
                  I'd just sit there for hours on end
                  drawing dicks. I don't know what it was.
                  I couldn't touch the pen to paper without
                  it drawing a penis.

                            EVAN (V.O.)
                  That's fucked.

                            SETH (V.O.)
                  No shit that's fucked up. Here I am this
                  little kid who can't stop drawing dicks
                  to save his life.
                                                                  17.



     INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA -PRESENT
21                                                                  21

                         EVAN
               What does that have to do with Helen?

                         SETH
               Just listen.

     INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM -FLASHBACK
22                                                                  22

     Young Seth is still sitting at his desk drawing penises.

                         SETH (V.O.)
               I was very secretive about this dick
               thing I had going, after all, even I
               thought I was a loon, lord knows what
               other people would have thought. So I
               would take all my dick drawings and stick
               them in this Muppet lunch-box I had.

     We see Young Seth sticking a picture of a penis in a lunch-
     box filled with pieces of paper.

     INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - DAY
23                                                                  23

     Young Seth is drawing, however it is a different day.

                         SETH (V.O.)
               So one day I was finishing up a picture
               of a real big and veiny bastard, when all
               of a sudden...

     Young Seth drops the picture of the dick off his desk. It
     floats down and hits the feet of a cute little girl, YOUNG
     HELEN.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
24                                                                  24

                         EVAN
               You hit Helen's foot with your dick?

     INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER
25                                                                  25

     The little girl picks up the picture and looks at it with a
     truly disturbed look on her face. Young Seth grabs the
     picture from her and shoves it into his lunch-box.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
26                                                                  26

                         SETH
               Well she fucking flipped. She started
               crying and shit. Ratted me out.
                         (MORE)

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     18.
26   CONTINUED:                                                        26
                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  The principle finds my cock-Muppet lunch-
                  box, and he fucking flips.

     INT. RANDOLPH ELEMENTARY PRINCIPLE'S OFFICE - DAY
27                                                                     27

     A FLASHBACK of Young Seth sitting in the principle's office.
     The Muppet lunch-box is open and the penis drawings are
     completely covering his desk.

                             SETH (V.O.)
                  It turns out the principle was some crazy
                  religious guy and he thought I was
                  possessed by some dick devil or
                  something.

     The principal puts his hand on Seth's head and begins praying
     for his soul.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY CAFETERIA - PRESENT
28                                                                     28

                            SETH
                  So, he calls my parents and they make me
                  go to a psychologist who kept asking me
                  all these dick questions. My parents
                  wouldn't even let me eat dick-shaped
                  foods for, like, months! No carrots, no
                  Pop-sicles, no hot-dogs. You know how
                  many fucking foods are shaped like dick?

                            EVAN
                      (half amazed, half amused)
                  Wow. That's really messed up.

                             SETH
                  I can't even stand to look at her punk
                  face.
                      (beat)
                  I'm going to go take a piss. Peace.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY BATHROOM - LATER
29                                                                     29

     Seth finishes his piss. He goes over to the sink, looks at it
     for a moment, then walks out of the bathroom.

     INT. CLARK SECONDARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
30                                                                     30

     Just as Seth turns the corner he sees Jules, Nicola, and
     SHIRLEY standing by their lockers. Jules spots Seth.

                            JULES
                  Seth. There you are.

     Jules turns and says goodbye to Nicola, who walks away. Jules
     and Shirley turn to meet Seth.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     19.
30   CONTINUED:                                                        30


                            SETH
                  Hey. Here I am.

                            JULES
                  So you're coming to my party, right? It's
                  fully on.

                            SETH
                  Yeah. Why? Should I not?

                            JULES
                  No, no, no. I really want you to come.
                  But...uh, you did say you were getting a
                  fake ID or something, is that right?

                            SETH
                  Very right. Right. I'm getting that.

                            SHIRLEY
                  Can you get us drinks?

                            SETH
                  Ummm... I don't know. I... think...maybe.

                            JULES
                      (half joking)
                  Come on, you scratch our backs, we'll
                  scratch yours.

                            SETH
                  Well, funny thing about my back. It's
                  located on my cock.

     Shirley is offended. Jules laughs a little. Seth laughs too
     hard.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  Ha! Alright, sure. I can do that. What do
                  you guys want?

                            JULES
                  Well, this is actually, like, a big
                  favor, but, well, my parents gave me like
                  a hundred bucks to feed myself for the
                  week, but the house if full of food, so I
                  figure I should just spend all of it on
                  extra drinks for the party.

                            SETH
                  Wow. I would never even think of doing
                  something that nice.

     Jules hands Seth a hundred dollars.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  20.
30   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 30


                         JULES
               Well, this is really nice of you. I mean,
               I really appreciate this.

     Seth can't believe what he's hearing. He can barely contain
     his smile.

                         SETH
               Should I just get, like, a shitload of
               different shit?

                         JULES
               Whatever shit you think people would
               like, I don't really know.

                         SHIRLEY
               I want Mike's Hard Lemonade.

                         JULES
               Okay. I'll see you tonight.

                         SETH
               Yeah! I'll see you!

     The girls walk off, leaving Seth lost in thought. He suddenly
     runs down the hall.

     EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - MOMENTS LATER
31                                                                  31

     Evan is standing alone amidst the rest of his gym class as
     they play soccer.

                         GYM TEACHER
               Evan, get into the game.

     Evan says nothing and the teacher soon redirects his
     attention elsewhere. Evan sees Seth jogging towards him.

                         SETH
                   (out of breath, worked up)
               Man, just - Evan, listen to me. You know
               Jules? You know what she just did? She
               came up to me and asked me if I would buy
               her alcohol. Not just her, her whole
               party. Do you know what that means? It
               means that by some miracle, we were
               paired up, we talked, and she actually
               thought of me afterwards. Thought of me
               enough to decide that I was the guy that
               she was going to trust the fun-ness of
               her party with. She wants me! She fucking
               wants my dick!


                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                    21.
31   CONTINUED:                                                       31


                            EVAN
                  Did you ever think maybe she's just using
                  you to get her alcohol?

                            SETH
                  Of course I thought of that! LISTEN TO
                  THIS!

     INT. FOODS AND NUITRITION ROOM (FLASHBACK)
32                                                                    32

     The same scene as before with Seth and Jules in class.

                            JULES
                  Yeah! My older brother always eats blue
                  cheese. You know that stuff is actually
                  moldy.

     EXT. SCHOOL FIELD - PRESENT
33                                                                    33

                            SETH
                  She has an older brother! She could have
                  asked him, but she asked me! She looked
                  me straight in the face and asked me. She
                  wants to fuck me, man. Do you understand
                  that? Fucking! Today is the day that
                  fucking has become possible.

                            EVAN
                  Are you stupid? You're not going to be
                  able to sleep with her tonight.

                            SETH
                  She's going to be at the party, she's
                  gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least
                  a little, so I can get with her. Then, I
                  make her my girlfriend, and then I fuck
                  her all summer long! Then, by the time
                  college rolls around, I'm the fuckin'
                  fucking master, man!

                            EVAN
                  Make her your girlfriend? Of course!
                  That's good. So, hypnosis, love potion,
                  or mind-control helmet?

                            SETH
                  Once I've gotten with her, I write her
                  love letters, flowers, I'll do anything -
                  I'll be the most pussy-whipped guy in the
                  universe - what chick wouldn't go out
                  with a guy like that?



                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                    22.
33   CONTINUED:                                                       33


     The soccer ball rolls towards them. They both watch as it
     rolls by.

                            CLASSMATE
                  What the hell, Evan?

     Evan shrugs back.

                            CLASSMATE (CONT'D)
                  Fuck you, man.

                            SETH
                  Fuck off, Greg. Why don't you piss your
                  pants again?

                            CLASSMATE
                  That was, like, eight years ago, asshole!

     He runs off.

                            SETH
                      (to Evan)
                  Wanna hear the best part?

                            EVAN
                      (sarcastic)
                  Oh, I haven't?

                            SETH
                  Helen!

     Evan looks upset, assuming that Seth is about to trash-talk
     Helen, as usual.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  You do the same thing, man! Buy Helen her
                  alcohol. Then, tonight, when you guys are
                  both drunk, get with her! This is the
                  last party we're ever going to go to as
                  high school people! I've fully ignored my
                  hatred for Helen in coming up with this,
                  which is a big ass deal. We need to stop
                  being pussy and for once just goes balls
                  out, man!

     Evan seems to be swayed.

                            EVAN
                  I should get Helen alcohol?

                            SETH
                  Of course! It'll be pimp, and then you
                  know she'll be drunk.

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                  23.
33   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 33


                         EVAN
               Have you talked to Fogell?

                         SETH
               You talk to Helen, I'll find that retard
               Fogell.

     INT. HALLWAY - LATER
34                                                                  34

     Everyone is rushing to class. Evan hurries through the halls
     and finds Helen at her locker.

                         EVAN
               Hey Helen! Hold up. Did you hear about
               the party tonight?

                         HELEN
               Yeah, I just heard. It sounds sweet.
               You're not coming, are you?

                         EVAN
               No, no, I am. That's why I came looking
               for you. Me and some guys are going to
               the liquor store after class, so I was
               thinking I could buy you yours, if you
               needed someone to.

                         HELEN
               Yeah! That'd be great, that'd save me
               such a hassle, cause I was going to beg
               my sister, but yeah, could you get me,
               like, a bottle of Goldschlager? I'll pay
               you back tonight.

                         EVAN
               You will absolutely not. It's my treat.

                         HELEN
               Wow. Thanks, Evan.

     Evan swings a friendly little punch at Helen's shoulder, but
     someone walks into him, causing him to nail her in directly
     in the tit!

                         HELEN (CONT'D)
               Hey! You punched my tit!

                         EVAN
                   (mortified)
               I'm sorry! Shit, shit. I'm so sorry! I
               just wanted to give you a friendly nudge
               in the arm, you know? I'm so sorry.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     24.
34   CONTINUED:                                                        34


                             HELEN
                      (giggling)
                  Don't worry about it. So I'll see you at
                  the party?

                            EVAN
                  Yeah. I'll see you then. I'm so sorry
                  about that.

     EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - CONTINUOUS
35                                                                     35

     Seth is waiting angrily in front of the school. Evan comes
     out the front doors.

                            SETH
                  That douche bag isn't back yet, I've been
                  standing here with my thumb up my ass.

                            EVAN
                  I did it, dude. I even offered to pay for
                  it. It was pimp.

                            SETH
                  Whoa. That is fucking pimp. Why didn't I
                  do that? Shit.

     The bell rings.

     INT. WOODSHOP CLASS - CONTINUOUS
36                                                                     36

     Seth and Evan work side by side in the woodshop.

                            SETH
                      (yelling over the machines)
                  That's what we get for trusting a mental
                  midget! He's fucking it all up! I bet he
                  pussied out, just like I said he would!

     EXT. CLARK SECONDARY - AFTER SCHOOL
37                                                                     37

     Seth and Evan walk out the front door.

                            SETH
                  I mean, what are we going to tell the
                  girls? "Sorry, we couldn't do what we
                  promised because we're dickless
                  incompetents!" We'll never get laid
                  because of that little ass-fuck. How did
                  he get in to State?! He's got shit for
                  brains! Shit! How else can we get liquor?

                              FOGELL (O.S.)
                  Hey guys!

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     25.
37   CONTINUED:                                                        37


     Seth and Evan turn around to see Fogell running after them.

                            EVAN
                  Where have you been?

                            SETH
                  Yeah! You almost gave me a goddamn heart
                  attack! You better fucking have it, where
                  is it?

                            FOGELL
                  I got it. It's flawless! It's great, man,
                  look.

     Fogell reaches into his pocket and pulls out the fake ID.
     Evan grabs it.

                            EVAN
                      (reading the card)
                  Okay Mr..."McLovin"? What kind of a
                  stupid name is that? What are you
                  trying to be, an Irish R&B singer?

                            FOGELL
                  Well, they let you pick any name you want
                  when you get there.

                            SETH
                  So you picked McLovin?

                            FOGELL
                  It was between that or Muhammad.

                            SETH
                  Why was it between that or Muhammad? Why
                  didn't you just pick a common name?

                            FOGELL
                  Actually, Seth, Muhammad is the most
                  commonly used name on earth.

                            EVAN
                  Have you ever actually met a guy named
                  Muhammad?

                            FOGELL
                  Have you actually ever met a guy named
                  McLovin?

                            SETH
                  No! That's why you picked a bad name.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  26.
37   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 37


                         EVAN
               You probably have federal agents tracking
               you for even considering the name
               Muhammad on a fake ID!

                         SETH
               Look at this shit man, you don't even
               have a first name. It just says "NAME:
               MCLOVIN"

                           EVAN
               One name?

                         FOGELL
               I just thought McLovin sounded old, and
               the chicks would dig it.

                         EVAN
               Under what circumstances would you ever
               have to show a chick your ID?

                         FOGELL
               She could ask. Or, I could just show it
               to her.

                         SETH
               Holy shit! I don't believe this. This
               says you're fucking 25! Why didn't you
               just put 21?

                          FOGELL
               I knew you would ask that. Look, every
               day, dozens of kids roll into the liquor
               store with fake ID's trying to act like
               Joe Casual. Each and every one of these
               kids just so happens to be 21 years old.
               Just how many 21 year-olds do you think
               there are?

                           SETH
               Fool!

                         EVAN
               Calm down! It's not terrible! This might
               work, but it's up to you, Fogell. They'll
               either think, "Oh, it's another punk kid
               with a fake ID." Or, "Look, it's McLovin,
               the twenty five year-old organ donor".
               What's it gonna be?

     Fogell takes a deep breath.



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                 27.
37   CONTINUED: (3)                                                37


                         FOGELL
               I am McLovin.

                         SETH
               You're not McLovin. No one's McLovin and
               this is never going to work. We need a
               new way to get alcohol. Could we drive to
               Canada or something?

                         FOGELL
               I still think it's going to work.

     They walk into the staff parking lot. Seth stops.

                         SETH
               What the fuck? Where's my car?

                         EVAN
               I told you, man! What did I say? I told
               you that was a dumb idea.

                         FOGELL
               Why would you park in the staff-

                         SETH
               Shut up, Fogell.

                         FOGELL
               `Cause you're not staff.

                         SETH
               I am aware of that, Fagell.

     Seth storms off. Evan follows him.

                         FOGELL
                   (yelling)
               Will you still pick me up from work?

     Evan and Seth round the corner, leaving Fogell behind.

                         SETH
               Let's go to your house.

     INT. EVAN'S BEDROOM - SOON AFTER
38                                                                 38

     Seth puts on a shirt that is way too small and he's wearing
     pants that are too tight. Evan is playing the video game
     Grand Theft Auto.




                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                     28.
38   CONTINUED:                                                        38


                            SETH
                  Now we wait for your Mom to piss off and
                  steal your parents' booze like your
                  brother always does. Take a bit from
                  every bottle. Piece of cake. It's not
                  exactly what Jules wanted, but it'll do,
                  right?

                            EVAN
                  Come on! Just wear what you wore to
                  school.

                            SETH
                  I told you I can't do that. I can't let
                  Jules see me in the same shit I wore at
                  school. It's completely unbecoming.

                            EVAN
                  Why don't you just go to your house and
                  get your own clothes? `Cause this is
                  stupid.

                            SETH
                  You're stupid! I can't go home. Then my
                  mom will know the car got towed and I'll
                  be grounded tonight. I'll just stay here
                  all weekend and pick it up on Monday.

                             EVAN
                      (RE: video game)
                  Where the fuck is the dirt bike?
                      (beat)
                  Ah, screw it. I'm just gonna kill
                  everyone. Boom! Die, piggies!!!

                            SETH
                  Don't you have bigger clothes?

                            EVAN
                  See what my dad's got.

     INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - PARENTS ROOM - SOON AFTER
39                                                                     39

     Seth is wearing Evan's Dad's clothes: a 70s style cowboy
     shirt, just barely pulling it off, as well as slacks.

                            SETH
                  Not bad, eh?

                            EVAN
                  It's, like, 7:30 and my Mom's still here.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     29.
39   CONTINUED:                                                        39


                            SETH
                  Alright, here's what we'll do. I'll fuck
                  your Mom in the basement while you steal
                  the liquor.

                            EVAN
                  Fuck you, asshole. Let's just sneak down
                  there and grab it.

     INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - LATER
40                                                                     40

     Evan and Seth, carrying an empty two liter bottle of Coke,
     cautiously descend the creaking staircase. Their eyes watch
     the TV room, where Evan's mom is on the phone. The boys enter
     the dining room and cautiously open the liquor cabinet. Seth
     enthusiastically reaches for a bottle.

                            SETH
                      (whispering)
                  Alright, dude. Get ready to receive.

     Evan begins unscrewing his bottle, when he notices a little
     black line marking where the liquor bottle is filled to.
     Then, he realizes that every bottle has it.

                            EVAN
                      (whispering)
                  I can't believe it. They marked them.

                            SETH
                      (whispering)
                  What do you mean they...oh, man! Your
                  parents are fuckers. What do we do now?

                            EVAN
                      (whispering)
                  Shh!!! We...we...take some and fill it
                  back up with water. Get ready, I'll get
                  water.

     Evan hurries off. Seth looks at the liquor cabinet, trying to
     choose the best booze. He grabs a massive bottle of gin. Evan
     reappears.

                            EVAN (CONT'D)
                      (whispering)
                  Gin? That stuff is literally undrinkable.

                            SETH
                      (whispering)
                  It's the biggest bottle, you douche. Just
                  do it! She's right in the other room!


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                   30.
40   CONTINUED:                                                      40


     Evan reluctantly holds an empty Coke bottle as Seth shakily
     pours the gin in. Evan starts refilling the gin bottle with
     water, when suddenly they both hear his mom coming.

                               EVAN
                         (whispering)
                  Run!

                            SETH
                      (whispering)
                  But, the booze?

                            EVAN
                      (whispering)
                  Take it!

     Seth runs off with the gin and Coke bottle. Evan quickly
     closes the cabinet and sneaks off right before his mom
     enters. Through the window she see's that Seth is already on
     the front lawn and thinks nothing of it.

                            EVAN (CONT'D)
                  Bye, Mom! Love you.

                            EVAN'S MOM
                  Love you, sweety.

     Evan leaves.

     EXT. EVAN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN
41                                                                   41

     Evan and Seth triumphantly walk away. Seth holds up the gin.

                            SETH
                  Look at this mother. Smell it's glory.

     He opens it up and takes a whiff.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  Mmm. It's good. Barely a scent.

     He takes a crazy big swig.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  See that? I always said I had the highest
                  alcohol tolerance. I'm like Superman.

     Seth taste another swig, but makes a strange face. Evan grabs
     the bottle and takes a swig.

                            EVAN
                  It's fucking water!


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                  31.
41   CONTINUED:                                                     41


                            SETH
                  Water?
                      (drinks again)
                  Fuck. Your brother beat us to the punch.
                  We have to go back!

                            EVAN
                  We can't go back! She totally knew,
                  she'll bust us for sure, and we have to
                  meet Fogell.

                            SETH
                  Well, fuck...fine. Text your brother he's
                  a stupid piece of crap.

     Evan pulls out his cell and chuckles as he types.

     EXT. SHOPWELLS - DUSK
42                                                                  42

     Evan and Seth walk off the bus. They see Fogell walking
     towards them. He's in his uniform holding a hanger with a
     shirt and a vest.

                            SETH
                  What the hell is that?

                            FOGELL
                  A vest.

                            SETH
                  You're gonna look like a Pinocchio.

                            EVAN
                  What? It's just a vest.

                            FOGELL
                  Yeah. How many high schoolers you see in
                  vests?

                            SETH
                      (eyeing Shopwell's)
                  You know, they got a ton of liquor right
                  in there. If we get it now we can get to
                  the party faster with all of Jules' shit.

                            FOGELL
                  No way! I work there. They know I'm not
                  twenty-five.

                            SETH
                  Nobody said anything about you, dick-
                  mouth. You have one name on your ID. It's
                  out of the equation!
                            (MORE)
                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    32.
42   CONTINUED:                                                       42
                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  And now I'm gonna have to take drastic
                  measures. I'm gonna steal the booze.

                            FOGELL
                  What?! No! Hell no! You can't do that!

                            EVAN
                      (mocking)
                  Yeah, right!

                            SETH
                  That's right. And that way I give Jules
                  back her money, like you did with Helen.
                  That was good thinking, that's fucking
                  pimp. That's how you seal a deal. It
                  won't be hard. Remember Dan Vertlieb
                  stole a keg from here and he's got, like,
                  really bad scoliosis!

                            EVAN
                  You're not gonna steal it. Fogell, he's
                  not going to steal it.

                            FOGELL
                  Please. Don't do this! I promise. I'll
                  get the liquor later.

                            SETH
                  I'm stepping up. And once I'm up, I don't
                  step back down. Maybe you "State" boys
                  don't understand that.

     Seth walks to the store.

     INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
43                                                                    43

     Seth enters the store, looking determined. He spots a
     SECURITY GUARD standing by one of the registers.

                            SETH
                      (to himself)
                  Hope piggy can run.

     He walks past the registers, which brings him in front of the
     long liquor aisle. He surveys the scene. There is an OLD
     WOMAN browsing the shelves. Seth looks over to the registers.

     INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING
44                                                                    44

     Seth is at the cash register. He has a huge amount of booze
     in the conveyor belt.

                            CASHIER
                  How old are you?

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                   33.
44   CONTINUED:                                                      44


                            SETH
                  Twenty two.

                            CASHIER
                  You certainly are. That'll be eighty
                  dollars.

     Seth hands the cashier a big EIGHTY DOLLAR BILL.

                            SETH
                  Thank you kindly.

                            CASHIER
                  You're welcome, Seth.

     INT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
45                                                                   45

     Seth, still standing in front of the liquor aisle, shakes his
     head. He eyeballs the old lady.

     INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - EVENING
46                                                                   46

     The old lady is browsing. She drops her big purse. A hand
     reaches down and picks it up. It's Seth.

                            SETH
                  Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped your purse.
                  Would you like me to help you to your
                  car?

                            OLD LADY
                  That would be lovely, young man. Would
                  you like me to buy you alcohol?

                            SETH
                  That would be lovely!

     EXT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - MOMENTS LATER
47                                                                   47

     Seth, holding two huge bags of liquor, waves to the Old Lady
     as she drives away.

                            SETH
                  Enjoy your remaining years!

                            OLD LADY
                  I will. Enjoy fucking Jules!

     INT. SHOPWELL'S (FANTASY) - CONTINUOUS
48                                                                   48

     Seth shakes his head. He looks down the aisle again, takes a
     breath and starts walking.


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                     34.
48   CONTINUED:                                                        48

     He arrives at a fancy looking bottle. He takes it and looks
     down at it in his hands. A big golden label reads,
     "GOLDSCHLAGER."

                            SECURITY GAURD (O.S.)
                  Don't do it kid.

     We see that the Security Guard is right behind him. Seth
     doesn't look up, he just stares at the bottle dramatically.

                            SETH
                  I never had a choice.

     He throws the bottle at the guards face. The guard blocks it
     with his billy club, grabs another bottle, and hurls it at
     Seth. Seth dodges it by an inch; the bottle hits the OLD LADY
     in the head.

                            OLD LADY
                      (in agony)
                  AAAHHHHH!!!

     Before Seth can do anything, the guard smashes a 40-ounce
     bottle of beer across his face. The guard SWINGS the broken
     end of the bottle and cuts Seth's throat. Blood spurts out.
     Seth drops his bottles and falls to the ground.

     EXT. SHOPWELL'S - CONTINUOUS
49                                                                     49

     Evan and Fogell are talking.

                            FOGELL
                  Oh, and, uh, my Mom said we can have the
                  TV from her basement and I've got, like,
                  three lava-lamps and one strobe light, so
                  like, we can have that in the room-

     Evan sees Seth coming out of Shopwell's.

                            EVAN
                  Shh. Seth's coming.

                            FOGELL
                  You still didn't tell him we're rooming-

                            EVAN
                  No. Shut up.

                            FOGELL
                      (to Seth)
                  So, where's all the stolen liquor?




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     35.
49   CONTINUED:                                                        49


                            SETH
                  Fuck you! I was gonna do it, but security
                  was tight as shit. I was gonna do it
                  though, don't think I wasn't. Let's go to
                  the liquor store and try your stupid ID.

     Seth heads towards the bus stop.

                            FOGELL
                  Wait! I'm gonna put my vest back in my
                  locker!

     INT. BUS - MOMENTS LATER
50                                                                     50

     MORE MIND-BLOWINGLY BADASS FUNK MUSIC OVER Seth, Evan and
     Fogell sitting on the bus amidst a bunch of gloomy,
     unpleasant looking strangers. Nothing happens whatsoever.


     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - EVENING
51                                                                     51

     The bus stops in front of the liquor store and the guys get
     out.

                            EVAN
                  Well, here we are. Fogell, are you ready?

                            SETH
                  Here's the list.

                            FOGELL
                  A list? Why?

                            SETH
                  We're getting girls their booze so
                  they'll get with us. I put a lot of
                  thought into that list. It's the perfect
                  party bar, so don't mess it up and get
                  Sambuca again.

     Fogell reads the list. A worried look sweeps across his face.

                            FOGELL
                  Ouzo, Drambuie, Jager, Gold-shlay-ger-

                             EVAN
                  Goldschlager. That's for Helen, so do not
                  forget it.

                            FOGELL
                  -Alize, Captain Morgan Rum, Smirnoff
                  Rasberry and a big ass bottle of Popov-


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                    36.
51   CONTINUED:                                                       51


                            SETH
                  Oh yeah, and Mike's Hard Lemonade.

                             FOGELL
                  This is too much. I can't get away with
                  this much!

                            EVAN
                  What's the difference?

     Seth hands Fogell the money.

                            FOGELL
                  I don't know, man. I'm getting, like,
                  really nervous.

     Fogell starts breathing very hard and making an ODD NOISE
     while doing so.

                            EVAN
                  Are you okay?

                            SETH
                  What the hell are you doing?

                            FOGELL
                  I don't know if I want to do this.

                            SETH
                  What are you talking about? You just
                  promised you would. What is this shit?

                            FOGELL
                  What if they turn me down?

                            SETH
                  Then we're in the same place that we're
                  in right now!

                            FOGELL
                  It's fucking humiliating! Everyone in the
                  store sees them kicking me out. What if
                  they make me put all the liquor back on
                  the shelf? I can't do that!

                            SETH
                  This whole thing is bigger than you,
                  asshead! Just go in there and buy the
                  damn alcohol!

                            FOGELL
                  What if I don't feel like it anymore?


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                  37.
51   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 51


                         SETH
               Then I will kill you! How's that? If you
               don't buy the alcohol, I will kill you!

                         FOGELL
               Killing me won't get you any alcohol,
               jerkoff! I'm the one with the ID!

                         SETH
               Then I will kill you, cut off your ugly
               face, put it over mine, and buy it my
               fucking self.

                         FOGELL
               You don't have the technology or the
               steady hands to pull off a procedure like
               that!

     Seth stands for a moment, then suddenly rushes Fogell. Evan
     stands between them and breaks it up.

                         EVAN
               Seth, calm down! Fogell, stop being a
               baby and go buy the alcohol! You said
               you'd do it, so do it. It's why you
               bought the ID, so just go do it.

                            FOGELL
                   (beat)
               I'll try.

     Fogell walks into the store.

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
52                                                                  52

     At first it all seems overwhelming. Fogell is confused,
     dizzy, and sweating. He steps behind a large beer display and
     takes a few deep breaths.

                            CLERK
               Hi there.

     Fogell flinches, shocked someone spoke to him. He keeps
     walking. He nears a mother and her 17 year old SON. As Fogell
     passes them, the son seems to recognize him. Fogell clearly
     recognizes the son. Their eyes meet. Fogell looks in the
     opposite direction.

                            SON
               Fogell?




                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    38.
52   CONTINUED:                                                       52


                               FOGELL
                        (weird voice, covering his
                         face)
                  No.

                            SON
                  Yo, Fogell. `Sup man. What're you doing
                  here?

                            FOGELL
                      (weird voice)
                  Uh...nothing. Not Fogell...
                      (whisper)
                  Shut up, Moscovitch. You don't know me.

                            MOSCOVITCH
                      (knowingly)
                  Oh, oh. Cool, cool. Good luck.

     He puts his head down and quickly walks away. He arrives at
     the beer and cooler section. Clearly intimidated, he slowly
     opens a beer fridge. He grabs one beer attached to a six-pack
     and pulls it forward. The beer comes loose in his hand as the
     other five fall to the ground, cracking on impact, and
     spraying beer all over the place. Fogell scrambles to stop
     the beers from spraying, but soon finds that it is
     impossible.

                                 FOGELL
                  Fuck.

     A CLERK approaches Fogell.

                            CLERK
                  Is there a problem, sir?

                            FOGELL
                  Umm, nope, no problem whatsoever.

                            CLERK
                      (pointing to the beer on the
                       floor)
                  Sir, did you do this? On the floor?

                                 FOGELL
                        (beat)
                  No.
                      (beat)
                  I think it happened before.

     Fogell is standing in a puddle of beer with beer sprayed all
     over his legs, holding a can of beer.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                  39.
52   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 52


                         CLERK
               Are you sure?

                         FOGELL
               I think I would know, thank you.

     Fogell walks away.

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - LATER
53                                                                  53

     Fogell has a shopping cart filled with booze. He gets in line
     to pay. He looks ahead to the OLD-LOOKING GUY (35) who is
     currently at the CASHIER (woman) paying.

                         CASHIER
               Um, yes, may I please see some ID?

                         OLD-LOOKING GUY
               No problem. Heh. I haven't been ID-ed in
               years.

                         CASHIER
               Anyone who looks under thirty-five.

     The guy looks through his wallet. Fogell nervously watches.

     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
54                                                                  54

     Seth and Evan peek through one of the store's front windows.

                         SETH
               It's a good ID, right? Mike Snider never
               had a problem. It's fine. Right?

                          EVAN
               Calm down.
                   (beat)
               Did you remember a condom?

                         SETH
               You brought a condom?

                         EVAN
               Yeah, I figured, you know, might as well.
               I brought one of those little things of
               spermicidal lube too.

     He takes them out of his pocket.

                         SETH
               You asshole! You laughed in my face when
               I said we'd be having sex tonight.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     40.
54   CONTINUED:                                                        54


                            EVAN
                  It doesn't mean you shouldn't be
                  prepared. You didn't even bring one?

                            SETH
                  No. That wasn't the plan! We had a plan!
                  I can't believe you did that without even
                  consulting me about it!

                            EVAN
                  I don't really even understand what your
                  plan is.

                            SETH
                  I'm gonna go down on her for, like,
                  hours. She'll love that. She'll want to
                  go out with that.

                            EVAN
                  Yeah, but I figured there's no harm in
                  bringing just one little condom.

                            SETH
                  And one little bottle of spermicidal
                  lube. That's nuts. You can't let her know
                  you brought that! These girls are 18, not
                  dried up old ladies. They're ready to go.

                            EVAN
                  Fine. I won't bring the lube.

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
55                                                                     55

     Fogell pushes his stuff up to the Cashier. She looks at him
     kind of funny.

                            FOGELL
                  Hello...
                      (reading name tag)
                  Mindy.

     She rings up a six pack of Budweiser.

                            FOGELL (CONT'D)
                  Oh, I love that stuff. Been drinking it
                  for years. I heard they recently decided
                  to start adding more hops.

     Fogell just nods kind of proud of himself. She stops ringing
     stuff up and looks at him.




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                    41.
55   CONTINUED:                                                       55


                            CASHIER
                  Umm, okay sir, I'm gonna need to see some
                  ID.

                            FOGELL
                  Identification?

     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
56                                                                     56

     Seth and Evan are still leaning against the window.

                            EVAN
                  Do you think I could get Helen to do some
                  kind of long distance thing?

     Seth looks as if he sees something in the distance. He stands
     upright.

                            SETH
                  Holy Shit! It's Cary Hutchins!

                            EVAN
                  I haven't seen her since she switched
                  schools.

                            SETH
                  She had the biggest tits in the universe.

     Down the block there is a girl walking a dog.

                            EVAN
                  I heard she had breast-reduction surgery.
                  Her tits must be crazy perfect now.

                            SETH
                  I gotta see these bastards. Let's check
                  `em out.

     Seth and Evan run off towards the girl.

                              SETH (CONT'D)
                  Man, I'm gonna pretend to trip and grab
                  `em.
                       (beat)
                  I hope they've healed.

                                                            CUT BACK TO:

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
57                                                                     57

     The cashier is still examining the card. She hands it back to
     Fogell.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                  42.
57   CONTINUED:                                                     57


                            CASHIER
                  That comes to a total of $123.59

     A huge smile forms on Fogell's face as he pulls out a wad of
     money and hands it to the cashier. She starts to gather his
     change when, SUDDENLY, a BIG GUY runs up and PUNCHES Fogell
     right in the side of the head!!! Fogell falls to the ground.
     The dude sticks his hand in the open register, grabs a
     handful of money and runs!

     The whole thing is over in a matter of seconds. Fogell is on
     the ground, dazed and confused.

                            FOGELL
                  What the hell happened?!

     Fogell sees the distressed cashier frantically dialing the
     police.

                            CASHIER
                      (breathing hard)
                  I don't believe it...I don't believe
                  it....

     EXT. UP THE STREET FROM THE LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER
58                                                                  58

     Seth and Evan walk down the street towards the liquor store.

                            EVAN
                  That was a waste.

                            SETH
                  But she fully looked way better before. I
                  thought when they reduced them, they just
                  kind of reshaped them nicer. Made them
                  more supple.

                            EVAN
                  I can't even begin to imagine the
                  justification for making breasts smaller.

                            SETH
                  It's like me making my nuts saggier.

     Evan sees something in the distance.

                            EVAN
                  Whoa. What's this?

                            SETH
                  What?



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     43.
58   CONTINUED:                                                        58


                            EVAN
                  Check it out! The cops!

     They see a cop car with the lights flashing parked outside
     the liquor store. Seth and Evan cautiously approach the
     liquor store and look inside. They see two POLICE talking
     with the Cashier, and Fogell is standing right beside them!

                            EVAN (CONT'D)
                  Shit! They busted Fogell!

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
59                                                                     59

     The two police, OFFICER SLATER, 30 and experienced, and
     OFFICER MICHAELS, 25 and learning, are talking to the
     Cashier. Fogell stands beside them, nervous and afraid.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                      (to cashier)
                  So, did he punch anyone else?

                            CASHIER
                      (losing it completely)
                  I can't do this, okay!?! I told you, I
                  have an exam tomorrow! Can you understand
                  that? A goddamn exam!

     The cashier breaks down crying and walks off to the back of
     the store. The officers look at each other.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Apparently, she has an exam.

     They chuckle. Then they turn to Fogell.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                      (turn to Fogell)
                  So then, son, you're the one that got
                  punched?

     Fogell looks down to his bags of liquor at his feet. Then
     back at the cops. He nods.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  We'd like to ask you a couple questions.

     The officers each take out a note pad and a pencil.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
                  Okay, first things first. What's your
                  name?



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                   44.
59   CONTINUED:                                                      59


     Fogell looks like his heart is about to explode out of his
     chest.

                            FOGELL
                  My name, it's...it's..
                      (tripping over his own words)
                  Mc..mac..laddle...

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  MicMac what?

                            FOGELL
                  No, no I said, "McLovin".

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                  McLovin?

                             FOGELL
                  McLovin.

     The officers both write down some information.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Cool name. And your first name?

     Fogell looks twice as scared.

                            FOGELL
                  Oh...that's uh...a good one...it's a...an
                  interesting...uh...event...

     Fogell trails off mumbling and starts to breathe heavily,
     making an ODD NOISE. Behind him, in the window of the store,
     we see Seth and Evan peeking through.

     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
60                                                                   60

     Shocked, Seth and Evan walk away from the window. Seth starts
     to pace in anger.

                            SETH
                  I don't believe this bullshit! I
                  can't...this isn't happening! I didn't
                  even know you could get arrested for this
                  shit! WE NEED THAT FUCKING LIQUOR!

                            EVAN
                  Oh my god. Are they gonna take him
                  downtown?

                            SETH
                  Fuck Fogell! He got arrested! We're on
                  our own.
                            (MORE)
                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                     45.
60   CONTINUED:                                                        60
                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  We need a new way of getting liquor.
                      (realizing)
                  AAAHHH!! The money! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How
                  much money can you get?

                            EVAN
                  What are you talking about? Money? What
                  about Fogell?

                            SETH
                  That doesn't matter anymore. I just lost
                  a hundred dollars of Jules' money!

                            EVAN
                  We have to help him!

                            SETH
                  Help him? What are we gonna do? Bust him
                  out of jail? I don't even know where jail
                  is! What we need is the alcohol, which is
                  impossible because we don't have any
                  fucking money!

     Seth steps into the driveway leading to the parking lot.

                            EVAN
                  Fine. Just...calm down. We need to think.
                  We need to think.

                            SETH
                  Fuck thinking! We need to act!

     Suddenly, a car pulls out of the lot going 10 mph and knocks
     Seth down!!!

     INT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
61                                                                     61

     The cops are still talking to Fogell. He looks completely
     flustered. He's lost his composure.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Okay, your name is just McLovin, there's
                  no need to get irrational.

     In the BACKGROUND (not in the view of Fogell and the cops) we
     see DRIVER of the car, a shady-looking guy in a hockey
     jersey, gets out of his car and walks over to where Seth is
     lying, apologizing frantically.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  A lot of people have strange names these
                  days.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                    46.
61   CONTINUED:                                                       61


                            OFFICER SLATER
                  I once arrested a man-lady who was
                  legally named "Pearl Necklace."

                            FOGELL
                  It's just... I changed my name. I was
                  going to be a singer. R&B.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Fine. That's not illegal.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  And, how old are you McLovin?

     Fogell looks down at the bags of booze again.

                            FOGELL
                  Old enough.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Old enough for what?

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Can I see your ID?

                            FOGELL
                  Um...okay...

     Fogell takes his shaking, sweaty hand, sticks it in his
     pocket, and pulls out his fake ID. He slowly hands it over to
     Officer Slater. The cops both look at it, then Fogell. Beads
     of sweat are running down Fogell's face.

     In the background, Seth pops up and starts kicking the guy's
     car out of anger. Evan and the driver both restrain Seth.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  You're an organ donor?

                            FOGELL
                  What?

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  I didn't want to be one but my wife
                  insisted.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Just like a woman. Even after you're
                  dead, they want to tear your heart out.

     The officers start laughing. Fogell is shocked. They hand
     back the ID.


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                47.
61   CONTINUED: (2)                                               61


                         FOGELL
               Look. I'm really sorry, but I don't
               really have any information. I didn't
               really see him. His fist hit here.

     Fogell points at his giant black eye.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Are you in a hurry or something?

                         FOGELL
               Uh, yeah... kinda. I kinda had to catch a
               bus.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Where were you going?

                         FOGELL
               Umm... near thirteenth and Granville.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               We'll take you there, get your
               information on the way. Sit tight.

     Fogell is completely dumbfounded.

     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS
62                                                                62

     The driver is pleading with Seth and Evan.

                         DRIVER
               I'm so sorry, man! I'm so sorry! I didn't
               see you at all. Are you okay? Are you
               okay? I'm sorry, man. Look, what can I
               do? Are you okay?

     The driver glances at the cop car.

                         DRIVER (CONT'D)
               I mean, please don't report me, we can
               figure this out, okay?

                         SETH
               Why wouldn't I report you?

                         DRIVER
               Because I'll do anything! Please!
               Anything! What can I do?

                         SETH
               You have any money?



                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                     48.
62   CONTINUED:                                                        62


                            EVAN
                      (quietly to Seth)
                  What are you doing?

                             DRIVER
                      (beat)
                  Fine. Just take it.

     The driver reaches into his pocket and hands Seth some money.
     Seth looks at it. It's seven dollars.

                            SETH
                  What is this? This isn't enough.

     Seth stuffs the money in his pocket.

                            DRIVER
                  It's all I have.

                            SETH
                  Well, you just came from the liquor
                  store, give us your liquor.

                             DRIVER
                  I didn't get any. They're not letting
                  anyone in. They're arresting someone or
                  something.

                            SETH
                  Well, they'll be arresting somebody else
                  if you don't do something quick. Ow! My
                  shoulder! It's killing me.

     Seth, acting poorly, pretends he's way more hurt than he is.

                            DRIVER
                  No! Wait! Okay, you want alcohol?   I can
                  get you alcohol. I'm on my way to   this
                  party right now. There's gonna be   tons of
                  liquor. I will definitely get you   plenty.

                            SETH
                  You better.

                            EVAN
                  Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Come here.

     Seth goes over to Evan.

                            EVAN (CONT'D)
                  What are you doing?



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                               49.
62   CONTINUED: (2)                                              62


                         SETH
               What? Jules' money is gone, Fogell's out,
               we've got no other option. Let's go.

                         EVAN
               I don't....I don't like this idea at all.
               I'm just not feeling it. That guy's
               fucking creepy. Just look at him.

     They look at the Driver, who is staring at Evan with a dumb
     expression on his face.

                         DRIVER
                   (to Evan)
               You know a guy named Jimmy, perchance?
               Cause you totally look like his brother.

                         SETH
               He's an idiot. And he's our only hope.
               Come on, don't break your promise to
               Helen.

     EXT. LIQUOR STORE - MOMENTS LATER
63                                                                 63

     The Driver's car pulls away with Seth and Evan sitting in the
     back seat. A few moments later, the cops walk out with Fogell
     right behind them carrying the bags of liquor.

                         OFFICER SLATER
                   (to Fogell)
               Man, that lady just wouldn't stop crying,
               huh? And you're the one that got punched.
               Did you hear her say she has an exam
               tomorrow? Boo-fuckin'-hoo. Am I right?

                         FOGELL
                   (afraid)
               Heh. Good one.

                         OFFICER MICHEALS
               Could we have taken her in? Just to scare
               the shit out of her?

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Hah. Probably could have found a way. But
               a good general rule is only take people
               in you want to ride with. And whiny
               bitches don't make that cut.

     The cops chuckle as they all get in the cop car.
                                                                  50.



     INT. DRIVER'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
64                                                                  64

     Seth and Evan sit in the back seat. The Driver is in the
     front.

                         DRIVER
               One of you bros could have sat up here
               with me.

     There is an awkward silence, when suddenly Seth starts to
     wriggle in discomfort.

                            SETH
               Aaah!

     Seth fishes his cell phone out of his pocket and looks at it.

                         SETH(CONT'D)
               875-6611?
                   (thinking)
               Holy shit...

     Seth answers the phone.

                         SETH (CONT'D)
               Jules! What's the haps?

                            DRIVER
               Who is it?

     INTERCUT WITH:

     INT. JULES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
65                                                                  65

     There are six girls passing two beers in a circle while
     dancing blissfully to crappy 80s music.

                         JULES
               Seth! Where are you?

                         SETH
               Jules! I just got in a cab and I'm going
               to the liquor store as we speak.

                         JULES
               Awesome. I can't wait for you to get
               here.

     A huge smile sweeps across Seth's face.

                            SETH
               Really?


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     51.
65   CONTINUED:                                                        65


                            JULES
                  Yeah. It looks like it could actually be
                  a great party. I think, like, tons of
                  people might show up. I hope they don't
                  trash my house.

                            SETH
                  Well, if they want to do that they're
                  going to have to get through me.

                            JULES
                  So I guess I don't have to worry then.
                  I'll see you soon.

     Seth hangs up the phone, completely elated.

                            SETH
                  She called, man! That's insane! She's
                  practically begging for it. She said, "I
                  can't wait for you to get here."

                            DRIVER
                  That sounds like she fully wants it.
                  Where's she gonna get it from, huh, my
                  man?

     Seth and Evan are very weirded out.

     EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT
66                                                                     66

     The Driver's car pulls up in front of a house. The three get
     out.

                            EVAN
                  Hey, are you sure that it's cool we're
                  here?

                            DRIVER
                  Oh, definitely. I'm essentially best
                  friends with this guy. A whole bunch of
                  my buddies are coming. Come on!

     The Driver runs into the house happily, Seth and Evan
     following closely behind.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
67                                                                     67

     The boys enter the house and stand by the front door of the
     huge party. It's in full swing with all sorts of random-
     looking people. Nobody is under the age of 25.

                            EVAN
                  This is weird.

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     52.
67   CONTINUED:                                                        67


                            SETH
                  Whatever. Just act casual. And old. All
                  we gotta do is find the booze and haul
                  ass out of here.

     As they make their way down a hallway, a few people give them
     looks.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - KITCHEN
68                                                                     68

     They enter the kitchen, where Seth spots what they've been
     looking for. There are big buckets of ice filled with beer,
     coolers, wine, vodka, everything.

                            SETH
                  Holy shit! Let's grab one of these
                  buckets and go.

                            MARK (O.S.)
                  What the fuck do you think you're doing?

                            DRIVER (O.S.)
                  What, man? It's nothing.

     The guys turn and see that in corner of the kitchen, the
     Driver, holding a phone, is being yelled at by a massive
     brute, MARK.

                            MARK
                  You calling more of your stupid friends
                  again? Ya prick.

                            DRIVER
                  Mark, calm down, okay? Just relax.

                            MARK
                  Get the fuck out of my house.

                            DRIVER
                  Mark, come on. What the heck? Don't be a
                  dick.

     Suddenly, Mark grabs the Driver by the back of the neck and
     drags him out of the kitchen, down the front hall and out the
     door. A group of people follow, including Seth and Evan.

     EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
69                                                                     69

     The Driver get pushed out of the door and lands on the front
     lawn. Seth and Evan watch from the doorway of the house, a
     group of people in front of them.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     53.
69   CONTINUED:                                                        69


                            DRIVER
                  Mark! Dude! This is bullshit! Just chi-

     Mark steps on the Driver's hand.

                            DRIVER (CONT'D)
                  Ahhhh! Fuck!

     The Driver takes his hand out from under Mark's foot. He
     stands up.

                            DRIVER (CONT'D)
                  Fuck you, man. I'll fucking do this!

     Suddenly, Mark becomes enraged. He takes a big step forward
     and brutally KICKS the Driver square in the nuts!

     The Driver clutches his nuts and falls to the ground.

                            MARK
                  Francis, you and your idiot friends stay
                  the away from me and mine or I'll
                  flipping shiv your ass!

     Mark and his buddies head back in, leading them towards Seth
     and Evan, who quickly duck back into the party.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
70                                                                     70

     The frightened boys walk into one of the first rooms and hide
     in the corner. They have a hushed discussion.

                            EVAN
                  Dude, let's slip out the back.

                            SETH
                  Why? Come on, we're here. Let's just
                  hurry up and do this.

                            EVAN
                  You want to end up like that guy? Not me,
                  I need my nuts.

                            SETH
                  We need this liquor!

                            EVAN
                  You need it! I don't need it. I'm going
                  to tell Helen I like her, and then maybe
                  she'll get with me; not after I get her
                  stinking drunk.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     54.
70   CONTINUED:                                                        70


                             SETH
                  Then why haven't you ever made a move,
                  you pussy?

                            EVAN
                  Because I respect her! I'm not going to
                  put that kind of unfair pressure on her.

                            SETH
                  These aren't girls, they're women! They
                  need our dicks as much as we need their
                  poons - and we all love liquor, so
                  where's the fucking beef?!

                            EVAN
                  We're leaving, okay? These guys could
                  kill us. You want to get killed for
                  liquor?

                            SETH
                  You're really gonna bail on me?!

                            EVAN
                      (rolls eyes)
                  Jesus...

     Evan walks out the door.

                            SETH
                  Okay, okay...if that's how you're going
                  to be, then I'll get the booze on my own.
                  And you're not getting any. And neither
                  is Helen!

     Seth storms off.

     INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
71                                                                     71

     Fogell sits in the backseat. The cops are in the front. There
     is silence for a few beats.

                            FOGELL
                  Um...hey...uh, officers. I could answer
                  those, uh, questions now if you want.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  We get the gist of it. You were buying
                  some beer, some guys came in and robbed
                  the place. I don't think we're gonna find
                  `em this time.

     The officers start to chuckle.


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     55.
71   CONTINUED:                                                        71


                            FOGELL
                  It was only one guy.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Only one guy? Well, fuck that. We could
                  never catch one guy.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  You see, McLovin, if it was two guys,
                  we'd have twice the chance of catching
                  one of them. But just one guy? I mean,
                  how are we supposed to find one guy in
                  this whole city?

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Yeah, McLovin. You know how many people
                  there are in this city? I have trouble
                  finding people I know.

                            FOGELL
                  Aren't you guys supposed to be trained or
                  something? Don't you have a computer?

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Yeah, that stuff can help, but if someone
                  walks up to me on the street, and is
                  like, "Hey, find Bob." Well, how the hell
                  am I supposed to do that?

                               FOGELL
                  Who's Bob?

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Exactly. If I don't know who he is, then
                  how am I supposed to know where he is?

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  When you're new to the force, like I am-

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Only six months in.
                      (proudly)
                  I got two and a half years under my belt.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  You learn a lot of crazy stuff. For
                  example-

     The car radio goes off.




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                 56.
71   CONTINUED: (2)                                                71


                         RADIO
               We have a 245 at East 24 and Montgomery.
               It's Bailey's Bar and Grill. Car 43,
               respond please.

     Slater picks up the receiver.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Ten-four.
                   (hangs up)
               Nice. Ya see, Michaels, when ever there's
               a call for a bar, you take it.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Good fucking call, sir.

     They chuckle.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Hey, McLovin. We got a situation at
               Bailey's. We have to see to that, but
               we'll drop you off right after. Okay?

                         FOGELL
               Um...okay...

     Michael's hits the siren and they drive off.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY- KITCHEN. - CONTINUOUS
72                                                                  72

     Seth is looking in the fridge, which is full of beer. An
     ENORMOUS GUY nudges Seth aside and sticks his arm in.

                         ENORMOUS GUY
               Hey Mark, you want another beer?

     Seth quickly walks away from the fridge and goes down the
     hall.

     INT HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM
73                                                                  73

     Seth enters a room of people dancing to hip-hop. He notices
     all the girls are drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and then
     locates a cooler full of it across the dance area.

     He tries to make his way through the sea of dancing. A hot,
     sorority-type WOMAN drunk out off her ass dances over to him
     and starts grinding against his leg. He doesn't know how to
     react so he just goes with it, bumpin' and grindin' with the
     girl.
                                                                  57.



     EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
74                                                                  74

     Evan is walking down an alley, mad as hell, when, suddenly,
     he jumps up and starts squirming.

                         EVAN
               Whaa! What the...oh..

     He takes out his vibrating cell phone and looks at the
     callers name...it's Helen.

                         EVAN (CONT'D)
               Oh dude. Oh dude. Oh dude.

     He looks intensely at the cell as it continues vibrating.

                         EVAN (CONT'D)
               Okay. Okay. Here we go...

     He presses talk.

                         HELEN (O.S.)
                   (through the phone with
                    horrible static)
               Eva...lo.................

                         EVAN
               Helen? Helen?!?

     The phone cuts out. Evan sees that he has no reception. He
     looks back at the party, then at his cell phone. He shakes
     his head and turns back towards the party.

     EXT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
75                                                                  75

     The cops and Fogell get out of the car and walk towards the
     Bailey's. They stop before they enter.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Alright McLovin, this will only take a
               few minutes. Just grab a beer at the bar
               and we'll be done before you know it.

                         FOGELL
                   (a little scared)
               Well...what's goin' on in there?

     The Officers chuckle as they lead Fogell into the bar.

     INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
76                                                                  76

     As they enter the bar they immediately see a drunken, crazed
     HOMELESS GUY screaming at a bar tender.

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    58.
76   CONTINUED:                                                       76


                            HOMELESS GUY
                  Everywhere?!? You didn't see me pissin'
                  anywhere!!!

     Fogell quickly sits at the bar by the entrance to the
     kitchen.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Alright, Michaels. I've got your back.
                  Show this rummy how we roll.

     Officer Michaels walks up to the Homeless Guy.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Excuse me! Sir!

     The Homeless Guy turns and sees the cops.

                            HOMELESS GUY
                  AAAHHHHH!!!

     He runs for the front door!

                               OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Resisting!

     Michaels blocks the door and the Homeless Guy rams into him,
     knocking him to the ground.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                      (sarcastic)
                  Good one, Michaels!

     Slater runs at the Homeless Guy and chases him into the
     dining area. The Homeless Guy knocks over a table, which
     Slater trips over.

                               OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
                  Fuck!

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                      (nervous)
                  Should I shoot him?!?

                               OFFICER SLATER
                  NO!!!

     The Homeless Guy makes a mad dash for the kitchen, and Fogell
     is the only one in his way!

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Stop him, McLovin!!!


                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                  59.
76   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 76


                         FOGELL
               AHHH!!!

     The Homeless Guy RAMS straight into him and knocks both of
     them onto the kitchen floor!!!

     INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
77                                                                  77

     The kitchen staff watch in awe as the Homeless Guy wrestles
     Fogell on the ground.

                         FOGELL
               Ow!!! Please! Stop, you fucking bum!!!

     The Homeless Guy gets up, grabs Fogell and HURLS him into a
     rack of trays! He then turns to run, but SLIPS on a wet spot
     and SLAMS his head against the ground! The cops burst into
     the room to find Fogell panting on his knees with the
     Homeless Guy unconscious on the floor.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               McLovin! Nice!

                         OFFICER SLATER
               I am buying you a beer, McLovin!

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - DANCING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
69                                                                  69

     An R&B slow jam plays as an exuberant Seth, a Mike's Hard
     Lemonade in one hand and the Woman's ass in the other as the
     dancing becomes increasingly sexual. As the song ends, the
     Woman moves on.

     Seth glances at the cooler and sees one more Mike's hard. He
     grabs it and puts it in his pocket. The bulge is apparent.

     Extremely pleased with himself,

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - ADJACENT ROOM
79                                                                  79

     Seth walks into the adjacent room. There are a bunch of GUYS
     chilling on the couch, who all look at Seth oddly as he
     enters.

                         SETH
               Hey, wut up?

     The guys just nod at Seth and continue to look at him
     strangely.

                         GUY 1
               What is that? Is that red wine?


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     60.
79   CONTINUED:                                                        79


     Thinking he's busted, Seth quickly covers the bulge in his
     pocket.

                            SETH
                  Uh...no. What? I don't know what you're
                  talking about.

                            GUY 1
                  That shit you spilled all over yourself,
                  idiot.

                            SETH
                      (sincere)
                  I didn't spill anything on myself.

     Seth checks himself to see what the guy is referring to.

                              SETH (CONT'D)
                  Oh shit.

     On Seth's upper thigh there is a red splotch about the size
     of a palm of a hand.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  What the hell is this?

                            GUY 1
                  Oh my lord. You were just dancing in
                  there, right?

                              SETH
                  Yeah, so?

     The guys all burst out laughing.

                            GUY 1
                  It's fucking blood.

                            SETH
                  Why would I get blood on my leg from---
                      (beat of realization)
                  OH SHIT!

     The guys start laughing even harder.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  Some girl perioded on my fucking leg!

                            GUY 2
                  I've never seen that before in my life.

     Seth pokes at the splotch.


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  61.
79   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 79


                         SETH
               That is disgusting.

     Guy 1 gets up as Seth tries to cover up the mess with his
     shirt.

                         GUY 1
               I gotta show this to Bill.

                         SETH
               Who's Bill? Don't show Bill! No! I can't
               believe this is happening!

                         GUY 2
               We should find who did it.

                         SETH
               This is un-fucking-believable. I have to
               look good tonight!

                         GUY 2
               Who'd you dance with?

                         SETH
               Who gives a shit? Fuck! These aren't even
               my pants!

     INT. HOUSE PARTY- ANOTHER ROOM
80                                                                  80

     Guy 1 brings six more guys, including the Enormous Guy, into
     the room. He points out the stain Seth's pants. All the guys
     burst out laughing. Embarrassed and fearful of the attention,
     Seth starts making his way out of the room.

                         SETH
               Yeah. It's really funny, huh? Yuk it up,
               assholes.

     Seth works his way through another room full of people,
     shielding the splotch as best as he can.

                         PARTY DUDE
               Dude! Check it out! That guy's having his
               period!

     Another group of people turn and laugh.

                         PARTY GIRL
               He looks about the right age!

                         SETH
                   (to himself)
               I gotta clean this shit.

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     62.
80   CONTINUED:                                                        80


     He sees a long line of people standing if front of the
     bathroom door. He spots a staircase and runs down into the
     basement.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
81                                                                     81

     Seth enters the empty basement. He sees a sink and runs over
     to it and turns on the water.

     EXT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
82                                                                     82

     Evan nervously walks back into the house to look for a
     telephone.

     INT. BAILEY'S BAR AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
83                                                                     83

     The cops, Fogell, and the unconscious Homeless Guy each sit
     at the bar with a Corona in front of them. Slater's radio
     goes off.

                            RADIO
                  Calling all units, armed and dangerous
                  man in the vicinity of-

     Click. Slater turns his radio down, ignoring the calls.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  So anyways, we leave the bar, I'm
                  charmin' her pants off telling her
                  stories of shoot-outs and shit.

                            FOGELL
                  You've been in shoot-outs!

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Nope.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  McLovin, all we do is bonk homeless
                  people on the head. You're practically a
                  cop now.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  So I pull up in front of her house and
                  she asks me to come inside for some
                  coffee. Of course, I say yes.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                  Oh shit.




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     63.
83   CONTINUED:                                                        83


                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Oh shit. So we go into the kitchen. I
                  start taking off my clothes, she fucking
                  flips, starts screaming at me, and I'm
                  like "Can't have coffee without cream."
                  Oh!!! Right? I fucking said that. Then,
                  she slaps me, throws me out. I'm telling
                  you McLovin, stay out of bars.

                            FOGELL
                  Hey, you don't need to tell me.

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  So, yeah, you gotta look in different
                  places. The gym, an art class, you know,
                  shit like that.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  I met the Missus at paint ball. Can you
                  believe that? I shot her in the neck, and
                  we just hit it off. And my first wife --
                  who is a whore -- where do you think we
                  met? A bar.

                            FOGELL
                  I don't know. I find they're always good
                  for a little quick ass.

     The cops laugh.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  I bet I know your trick, McLovin. You do
                  the whole mysterious guy thing, right?

                            OFFICER MICHAELS
                  Yeah McLovin, how's it going with the
                  ladies?

     Fogell thinks for a moment, he is feeling rather comfortable.

                            FOGELL
                  Well, officers, it's not the going with
                  the ladies I care about, it's the coming.

     The cops and Fogell burst out laughing.

                            OFFICER SLATER
                  Oh! McLovin in the house!

     He sees that the cops clearly like him; his confidence level
     increased, he takes a chance.



                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  64.
83   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 83


                         FOGELL
               So...you guys got guns, huh?

     The officers glance at each other as sinister smiles creep
     across their faces.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Yeah. We got guns.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               I haven't had one for long, but, man, let
               me tell you - it's like having two dicks.

                         FOGELL
               Can I...can I hold one? Your gun?

     Michaels and Slater look to each other.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               I mean, if we took the bullets out?

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Yeah. Why not?

     Slater pulls out his gun and takes out the clip.

                         OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
               Here.

     Fogell takes the unloaded gun and flops it back and forth in
     his hands, a huge smile gleaming.

                         FOGELL
               Wow. I've never held one. Are they hard
               to shoot?

                         OFFICER SLATER
               If you're Michaels they are. He can't
               shoot worth dick.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Fuck you, old man. I could out-shoot you
               with my sack tucked between my legs.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Only one way to settle this.

                         FOGELL
                   (incredibly excited)
               You guys are going to shoot something,
               right?
                                                                  65.



     INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
84                                                                  84

     Seth is scrubbing at the mark on his thigh, but it's not
     doing much. He stops for a moment to take a breather as he
     looks around the basement.

     He spots a fridge in the corner and walks over to it. As he
     opens it, a look of awe sweeps across his face. Every shelf
     is completely filled with beer.

                         SETH
               Jesus's tits!

     He grabs as many bottles as he can and starts sticking them
     in his pockets, when he notices two large jugs of detergent
     next to the washer. He thinks for a moment, then begins to
     empty out the detergent jugs.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - CONTINUOUS
85                                                                  85

     Evan peers into a vacant room and sees a telephone. He
     nervously enters and picks up the phone. He dials.

     INTERCUT WITH:

     INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS
86                                                                  86

     Helen is in a cab with BECCA, her best-friend, and two other
     girls. They're a little done up and really giggly. Helen's
     cell phone starts ringing. She hushes the other girls as she
     answers her phone.

                            HELEN
               Hello?

                            BECCA
               Is it him?

                         HELEN
                   (whispering to the girls)
               Shut up.

                         EVAN
               Hey! Helen. Hi. I had bad reception. Are
               you at the party?

                         HELEN
               No, I'm in a cab. I'll be there soon. Are
               you still coming?

                         EVAN
               Yeah, definitely. Um, about your
               Goldschlager...

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                  66.
86   CONTINUED:                                                     86


     Evan can hear all the girls goofing around and giggling.

                            HELEN
                      (whispering to the girls)
                  Shut up.

                            EVAN
                  What's going on there?

                            HELEN
                  Oh, nothing, I just wanted to make sure
                  you were still coming, you know, and that
                  you didn't get caught up at a cocktail
                  party or some club.

                            EVAN
                  Nope. I'm gonna be there.

                            HELEN
                  Well, I can't wait to see you.

                            EVAN
                  I think it's going to be a real
                  fun...event.

                               HELEN
                  Okay. Bye.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
87                                                                  87

     Evan hangs up the phone. A huge smile crosses his face. As he
     turns around to exit, five older, unbelievably drunk DUDES
     wander into the room.

                            DUDE 1
                  They're going to kill that guy, man. That
                  bitch's boyfriend is so pissed.

                            DUDE 2
                  Yeah. And he's a beast.

     They start pouring a baggy of coke on the table when one of
     them notices Evan standing in the corner.

                            DUDE 3
                  Hey! Was it you? Are you the guy? The kid
                  with the splotch on his crotch?

     Evan glances down at his crotch. He is confused and
     horrified.

                            EVAN
                  No. What splotch-

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     67.
87   CONTINUED:                                                        87


                            DUDE 2
                  I know you! Guys! I know that guy, he was
                  at that party with me.

                              DUDE 4
                  Who's he?

                            DUDE 2
                  He's Jimmy's brother. The dude with the
                  crazy raps, the one I told you about!

     They draw the coke into lines as Evan slowly heads for the
     door.

                            EVAN
                  Oh no, that's not me either. Wrong guy,
                  man. Sorry.

     Dude 3 gets up and blocks the door.

                            DUDE 3
                  No. No, that's you, man. You are fully
                  Jimmy's brother! You were just so messed
                  up you can't remember.

                            EVAN
                  Trust me, man. That wasn't me. I don't
                  even listen to rap.

                            DUDE 3
                  It was you! I know it! Come on! Rap! I've
                  been telling these guys about you. Just
                  give them one rap. Come on. Rap. Rap.

     They start doing the lines of coke. Evan is very afraid.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER
88                                                                     88

     Seth is finishing pouring the beer bottles into the second
     detergent jug. There are about thirty empty beer bottles
     laying around Seth. He tightens the cap, picks up the two
     detergent jugs, and heads upstairs.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
89                                                                     89

     Seth emerges from the basement and heads towards the front
     door.

                            SETH
                  I did it man. Peace out-tro.

     He's inches away from the front door, when suddenly-


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     68.
89   CONTINUED:                                                        89


                            GUY 1
                  There! That's the guy!

     Seth turns and sees Mark, the guy who assaulted the Driver,
     walking towards him. He notices Mark has a splotch on his
     leg, too.

                            SETH
                  Hey! You got one, too! We're blood
                  brothers.

                            MARK
                  Shut it, you little shitter! What the
                  hell were you doing dancing with
                  Jacinda?

     Horrified, Seth scrambles for excuses.

                            SETH
                  I...I didn't dance with her! I don't even
                  dance! Never even tried it!

                            MARK
                      (point at Seth's splotch)
                  Then where did that come from, asshole?

                            SETH
                  I don't know. Maybe me and you rubbed up
                  against each other at some point. How am
                  I supposed to know?

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
90                                                                     90

     The coked-up dudes are watching Evan intensely. They are
     completely loving his rapping, completely into it. Evan is
     struggling.

                            EVAN
                  ...cause, yo! Bitches and gats, bitches
                  and gats, what do all of we's got?

                            DUDES
                  Bitches and gats!

                            EVAN
                  When we steal all the money?

                            DUDES
                  Bitches and gats!




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  69.
90   CONTINUED:                                                     90


                            EVAN
                  Yo! I kill the whores of Vice City with
                  my magnum 9/Take out the punk pigs with
                  my Glok design/ Drink a fifth of Hennessy
                  and get benign/Fuck all the bitches with
                  their asses fine

                            THE DUDES
                      (cheering)
                  Oh!!!

     SOME GUY bursts into the room.

                            SOME GUY
                  Dudes! Looks like a fight!

     Dude 3 does a line of coke and they all get up together and
     charge out of the room.

     INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
91                                                                  91

     There is a crowd gathered around Seth and Mark. The Enormous
     Guy and Mark's friends are gathered beside Mark.

                            SETH
                  I swear to God it wasn't me!

     Evan and the four dudes who were doing coke walk into the
     room. Evan is shocked to see Seth at the center of so much
     commotion. Mark notices the detergent bottle in Seth's hands.

                            MARK
                  And what the fuck is this?

                            SETH
                  It's nothing. It's detergent.

                            MARK
                  Yeah. And what are you doing with it?

                            SETH
                  I...uh, I got blood on my pants.

     Mark sees the bottle of MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE in Seth's pocket
     and takes it out. He looks at it, then looks at Seth with a
     look of death.

                            SETH (CONT'D)
                  I brought them from home.

     Suddenly, Mark violently SHOVES Seth and throws the beer
     bottle at his face!!! Seth holds up a detergent jug and
     deflects the beer bottle.

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                  70.
91   CONTINUED:                                                     91


     It flies towards Evan, who ducks, and nails Dude 1 in the
     head, glass exploding everywhere!!!

                            DUDE 1
                  AAAHHHHHHH!!! FUCK!!!

     Dude 1 clutches his bloody head as the other Dudes charge at
     Mark! A full on brawl breaks out! Everyone starts fighting!
     Two of the Dudes beat on the Enormous Guy. They throw him
     into Evan.

                              DUDE 3
                  Hold him!

                              EVAN
                  What?

                            DUDE 2
                  HOLD HIM!!!

     Evan reluctantly holds the Enormous Guy up as the two Dudes
     pound on him.

     ANGLE ON: Seth, cowering in the corner

     Mark runs at Seth and is about to punch him, when suddenly
     Dude 1 tackles him onto the kitchen island! Seth turns and
     faces Mark's girlfriend, JACINDA.

                            JACINDA
                  You motherfucker!

     She grabs a lamp, still plugged in, and swings it at Seth.
     She hits him square in the chest and the light bulb explodes!

                              SETH
                  AHH!!!

                            JACINDA
                  You ruined my birthday!!! You humiliated
                  me!!!

                            SETH
                  You're the one who used my leg as a
                  tampon!

     She charges at him again, arms flailing. Seth scurries around
     the room, shielding the blows with the detergent bottles.

     Evan throws the Enormous Guy to the ground and runs. Evan
     backs off, spots Seth, and follows him out of the party.
                                                                  71.



     EXT HOUSE PARTY
92                                                                  92

     As Seth and Evan run up the block together, Jacinda talks
     into her cell phone.

                         JACINDA
               Yeah, Fifth and Paysview, please hurry!

     EXT. DARK STREET - CONTINUOUS
93                                                                  93

     The cops and Fogell stand beside the car. The Homeless Guy is
     sleeping in the back. Michaels has his gun drawn and is
     carefully aiming at a distant stop sign.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               You've been saying some bold words, my
               friend. Better not mess up.

                         FOGELL
               You can do it, officer.

     BLAM!!! Michaels blasts off a round, which punches a hole
     right through the center of the "O" in the stop sign.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Boo-yaka-sha!!! Suck it, Slater. Suck my
               nuts. Long, but gentle.

                         FOGELL
               Yeah! And eat his ass!

     They all laugh hysterically.

                         FOGELL (CONT'D)
               Can I shoot one?

     The cops look at each other and shrug.

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Yeah. Sure. Here. Go nuts.

     Slater hands Fogell the gun, when suddenly a SIREN can be
     heard in the distance getting closer.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Fuck. The cops!

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Let's bail! Shotgun!

     Slater grabs the gun out of the disappointed Fogell's hand
     and holsters it. They all hop into the car.
                                                                 72.



     INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
94                                                                 94

     Michaels kicks it into drive and they peel out. Fogell shoves
     the unconscious Homeless Guy over.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Hah, hah! Eat it. So, dudes, what do we
               do now?

     Suddenly, the car radio goes off.

                          RADIO
               We got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview, all
               units in the area report to Fifth and
               Paysview. Car 98. That's you. Do it.
               Seriously.

     The cops stop and listen.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Son-of-a-bitch.
                   (picks up radio)
               Car 98, ten-four.
                   (hangs up)
               Ya dumb whore. Ha!

                         FOGELL
               What does that mean? We gonna get to
               shoot anyone?

                         OFFICER SLATER
               I wish. Probably some lame house party.
               We'll drop you off after. Cool?

                         FOGELL
               Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how
               we roll.

     EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - MOMENTS LATER
95                                                                 95

     Seth and Evan are running down the sidewalk. They both slow
     to a stop to catch their breath. The party is nowhere in
     sight.

                         SETH
                   (wheezing heavily)
               ...huff...hufff...you fuckin' prick...

                         EVAN
               What?

                         SETH
               You...huff...bailed on me...huff...man.

                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                     73.
95   CONTINUED:                                                        95


                            EVAN
                  No I didn't!

                            SETH
                  Of course you did! We were supposed to do
                  something and you left instead of doing
                  it! That's the definition of bailing!

                            EVAN
                  If you said we should burn our dicks off
                  and I didn't, that's not bailing!

                            SETH
                  It is bailing, if you promised to burn
                  your dick off!

                            EVAN
                  What?!

                            SETH
                  The bottom line is   you're a bailer. You
                  just bailed on me,   you bailed on me this
                  morning when Terry   spat on me, and you're
                  bailing on me next   year!

                            EVAN
                  Oh! Okay! There it is! It finally comes
                  out!

                            SETH
                  We were supposed to go to college
                  together! Since elementary school! What
                  ever happened to that!

                            EVAN
                  What happened to that, is that you're too
                  stupid to get into the schools I did!

                            SETH
                  I was not too stupid, I was too lazy!

                            EVAN
                  You've wasted all my time, you selfish
                  bastard!!! Instead of chasing girls and
                  making friends, I threw away the last
                  three years talking bullshit with you!
                  And now, because of you, I'm going to
                  college a fucking friendless virgin!

     Seth can't believe it. He's extremely hurt.




                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                  74.
95   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 95


                         SETH
               Getting with a girl won't make you any
               less of a loser next year!

                         EVAN
               You talking to me or yourself? You
               fucking loser!

     Seth drops one of the tide bottles and shoves Evan hard. Evan
     shoves him back.

     INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
96                                                                  96

     Michaels pounds on the keypad of the little cop computer with
     his fist.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               How do they expect us to work these
               things while we're driving? I can't even
               work my iMac while I'm sitting at my
               desk.

                         FOGELL
               So, like, what does that computer do?

                         OFFICER SLATER
               Pretty much anything, if you're smart
               enough to figure it out. Like, who do you
               really hate? Gimme a name.

                         FOGELL
               Um...my French teacher. Mrs. Graham.
               Susette Graham.

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Can I do it?

     Slater nods. Michaels bring her file up, then punches a few
     buttons and smiles.

                         FOGELL
               What did you do?

                         OFFICER MICHAELS
               Tomorrow, Mrs. Graham will have a boot on
               her car.

     Fogell laughs his ass off.

                         FOGELL
               I hate my dad, too!



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                    75.
96    CONTINUED:                                                      96


                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Okay. The place should be around here
                   somewhere. McLovin, are the numbers on
                   that side odd or even?

                             FOGELL
                   It's too dark out.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   We got flashlights.

      Slater gets his flashlight and points it out the window.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   I wasn't even sure light came out of
                   those things. I thought they were just
                   cool looking clubs.

      Michaels and Slater start making light saber noises and
      pretend to fight with their flashlights.

      EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
97                                                                    97

      We see the COP CAR going down the street. Evan and Seth are a
      block down, shoving each other.

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
98                                                                    98

      Slater turns and points his flashlight out Michaels window,
      accidentally shining the light into his eyes.

                              OFFICER MICHAELS
                   My eyes!

      He jerks the wheel.

      EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
99                                                                    99

      Seth swings at Evan with the giant detergent jug. Evan dodges
      it and shoves Seth hard. Seth stumbles onto the road and gets
      HIT by the COP CAR!!! Seth flies up onto the hood, SMASHING
      the windshield. The car screeches to a halt and Seth slides
      off the front of the car.

      Seth lies motionless, still holding one of the detergent
      jugs. The cap is knocked loose and beer is spilling all over
      the place.

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
100                                                                  100

      Everyone in the car is looking forward, stunned. They can't
      see out the front window, as it is shattered. Fogell has no
      clue who the victim was.

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                      76.
100   CONTINUED:                                                       100


                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Oh shit. Shit, shit, SHIT!

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   I don't believe this is happening again.

                             FOGELL
                       (frightened)
                   Oh my god...is he...are you gonna make
                   sure he's alright?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Okay, okay, we're gonna get out of the
                   car now. McLovin, you stay right there.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   That guy better not be dead.

      EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
101                                                                    101

      The cops get out of the car and walk over to a now sitting up
      Seth. He's dazed, but okay.

                             EVAN
                   I'm sorry! You pushed me first.

                             SETH
                   I didn't push you into fucking oncoming
                   traffic!

      The boys notice the cops.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Is everyone alright?

                             SETH
                       (sarcastic)
                   We're great.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Well, you should be careful boys. That's
                   how accidents happen.

                             SETH
                   What, when cops drive like maniacs and
                   hop the fucking curb?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                       (intimidating)
                   Pardon?

                              EVAN
                   Nothing.

                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      77.
101   CONTINUED:                                                       101


      Evan looks like he's about to shit himself. The cops notice
      one of the detergent jugs in the middle of a puddle of beer.
      Slater dips his finger in rubs it against his gums like it
      was cocaine.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Pabst. You boys been doing a bit of
                   drinking?

                             EVAN
                   No officer. Not at all.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                       (pointing to the other jug)
                   Is that more beer you got over there?

                             SETH
                   Umm, no sir, detergent.

                                OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Detergent?

                             SETH
                   My clothes are dirty.

      The cops look at each other, then at the boys.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   You boys stay right here.

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
102                                                                    102

      Fogell anxiously sits in the cop car. He can't see what's
      going on through the shattered windshield.

      EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
103                                                                    103

      The cops turn away and start to whisper to one another. Seth
      and Evan look on, nervous.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Alright, Michaels. The car is completely
                   fucked, and you're the one who fucked it
                   up, so you've got to fix it.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   What do I do?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   We arrest these little crap stains and
                   dump it on them, I'll take care of that.
                   You go make sure McLovin is good to play
                   ball. This is it, Michaels.
                             (MORE)
                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                   78.
103   CONTINUED:                                                    103
                             OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
                   You wanna hang with the big boys, you
                   gotta get your hands dirty. You cool?

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Yeah, I'm cool.

      The cops nod to each other. Michaels goes back to the car and
      gets in. Slater walks back over to the boys. He puts his hand
      on his gun and pulls out his club, scaring the shit out of
      Evan and Seth.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Get on the ground. Now! Spread your shit!

      Evan and Seth lie down on their stomachs and spread their
      arms and legs out, terrified.

                             EVAN
                   Puh...please don't shoot.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                       (mocking)
                   Puh- Puh- Please shut the fuck up!

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
104                                                                 104

      Officer Michaels is sitting in the driver's seat.

                             FOGELL
                   Was the guy alright?

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   What? Oh, yeah, the guy was fine.

      Michaels looks back at the Homeless Guy, who looks a little
      bit more awake than before.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
                   Are you awake, sir?

      The guy starts to open his eyes a little. Michaels grabs the
      guy's face and slams it back, knocking him out again. Fogell
      jumps a little.

                             OFFICER MICHEALS
                   I'm sorry, McLovin. But I really need
                   this to be a private thing.

      Officer Michaels takes out two cigarettes, and gives one to
      Fogell, who accepts, quivering in fear. Michaels lights his,
      then passes the lighter to Fogell.




                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      79.
104   CONTINUED:                                                       104


                             OFFICER MICHEALS (CONT'D)
                   Listen McLovin, you... like... Officer
                   Slater and myself, don't you?

      Fogell tries to light his cigarette. It takes a few tries and
      he starts hacking after the first pull.

                             FOGELL
                       (coughing)
                   Umm, yeah, sure. You guys are great.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Yeah, well, we're also on probation. You
                   see, we've actually trashed two other
                   cars. The first time wasn't our fault,
                   and the second time a bee flew in and I
                   freaked out. Point is, we trash another
                   car, without a good reason, we're fucked.
                   Know what I'm saying?

      Fogell continues to painfully suck back on the cigarette.

                             FOGELL
                   Sure.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Now, we're going to arrest these guys,
                   and if you don't mind, which you
                   shouldn't, we'd like you to write a fake
                   witness report saying they jumped out in
                   front of our car. Cool, McLovin?

      Fogell nods his head, getting some of his cigarette smoke in
      his eyes. He winces and starts to blink in discomfort.

      EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
105                                                                    105

      Slater stands above the boys.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   How tall are you?

                             EVAN
                   Uh...I don't know, five-foot-ten, eleven?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   And you said those were "Pumas?"

      Seth nods. Officer Michaels and Fogell get out of the car.
      Seth and Evan see Fogell and stare in shock as he takes a
      drag of a cigarette and then flicks it aside.



                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                  80.
105   CONTINUED:                                                   105


      Michaels pulls Slater aside and mumbles into his ear. Fogell
      turns and sees Seth and Evan - he's completely dumbfounded!

      Evan starts to look really nervous, like he might literally
      explode. He starts to stand up.

      The cops are still talking when suddenly, Evan BOLTS!

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Shit!

      The cops run after Evan! Seth and Fogell look at each other.
      Seth grabs the remaining detergent jug and runs off in the
      opposite direction of Evan! Fogell reaches into the cop car,
      grabs the bags of booze, and follows Seth.

                             FOGELL
                   Seth! Wait up!

      Officer Slater looks back to see Seth and Fogell running.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Shit! Shit! McLovin bailed!

      The cops run back into their car.

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
106                                                                 106

      They can't see out of the shattered windshield.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Fuck!

      EXT. STREET WITH COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
107                                                                 107

      The cops get out of the car and   run off after Seth and
      Fogell. As they run, we see the   Homeless Guy slump out of the
      car, landing on his face with a   muffled groan. He stands up,
      grabs the jug of detergent that   was left on the ground, and
      runs off.

      EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - CONTINUOUS
108                                                                 108

      Fogell and an exhausted Seth are running together. Seth grabs
      Fogell and takes him around a house and towards a backyard. A
      second later, the cops run by the house and continue up the
      block.

      EXT. BACK YARD - MOMENTS LATER
109                                                                 109

      Seth and Fogell sprint across a big, dark backyard. Seth
      looks back to see if they are being followed...BOOM!


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                 81.
109   CONTINUED:                                                  109

      He runs smack into a little red tent and trips onto it! KIDS
      inside the tent start screaming as flashlights turn on.

                             KIDS
                       (hysterical)
                   Help/ It's a monster!/ Daddy!

      Fogell helps Seth get up. They try to run, but Seth is caught
      on the tent! He drags it a couple feet as the kids start
      clawing to get out.

                             KIDS (CONT'D)
                   AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

      The zipper opens and a KID hops out. The Kid looks at Seth.

                             KID
                   AHHH!!! NO!!! DADDY!!!!

                             FOGELL
                   Holy shit! Little kids!!!

      A little GIRL runs out and books it into the house. From
      inside the tent, another kid starts kicking at Seth.

                             SETH
                   Ow!

      Seth manages to free himself from the tent and he and Fogell
      fall to the ground. The kids continue to scream.

                             FATHER(O.S.)
                   Get away from my children!

      The guys turn and see a crazed, slightly overweight FATHER in
      his underwear running at them with a baseball bat. Fogell and
      Seth scramble to their feet as the Dad takes a swing at them,
      narrowly missing them.

                             FATHER(CONT'D)
                   You sick sons-of-bitches!

      Fogell throws his shoulder into the guy, knocking him down.
      Seth and Fogell run to the backyard gate and try to open it.
      They can't.

                             FOGELL
                   Help!

      Fogell starts banging as Seth looks back to see the Dad
      coming for them. Seth swings the detergent jug at the Father,
      knocking him on his ass. He quickly gets up and charges,
      enraged.


                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                   82.
109   CONTINUED: (2)                                                109


                          FOGELL (CONT'D)
                Aaaahhh!!!!

      Fogell gets the door open and the two boys run into the
      alley.

                                                             CUT TO:

      EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
110                                                                 110

      They sprint down the alley. Seth coughs and wheezes, slowing
      down as he lugs the detergent. The Father enters the alley
      and sees the boys running. He throws his baseball bat. It
      sails through the air and nails Seth in the back! He falls.

                          SETH
                ARGGG!

      He gets up and the keeps running.

      EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS
111                                                                 111

      Slater and Michaels, completely out of breath, desperately
      scan the area for the boys.

                          OFFICER SLATER
                Stupid little bastards.

                          OFFICER MICHAELS
                Maybe I should fire a shot? Scare `em
                out?

      EXT. INSIDE SOME BUSHES - CONTINUOUS
112                                                                 112

      Evan is nestled inside a large bush, frantically trying to
      reverse his clothes so as to disguise himself. He keeps
      looking out for the cops, when suddenly he hears a gunshot -
      BLAM!!!

                          EVAN
                    (to himself, mumbling)
                Oh god. Oh god. Fuck. Fuck.

      As he fumbles to turn his jacket inside out and get it on, he
      sees Seth and Fogell running towards him. He pops out of the
      bush, scaring Fogell and Seth.

                 FOGELL                           SETH
      Ahh!                              Jesus!

                          EVAN (CONT'D)
                Should I run!?!


                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                      83.
112   CONTINUED:                                                       112


                             SETH
                   Fucking run!

      They all run off down the street.

      EXT MAIN STREET
113                                                                    113

      They turn a corner at the end of the block and continue
      running.

      They turn onto a main street and are exuberant at the sight
      of an oncoming bus. It stops at a nearby stop. They haul ass
      and make it on.

      INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
114                                                                    114

      Out of breath, the boys dig up change and put it in the toll
      box, then walk towards the back of the bus.

                             HOMELESS GUY (O.S.)
                   Hey! It's you!

      Fogell looks up and sees the Homeless Guy stumbling towards
      them, sucking back the bottom of the lost detergent bottle.
      The Homeless Guy sees they have bags full of booze.

                             HOMELESS GUY (CONT'D)
                   You got booze in the bag? Can you gimme
                   some?

                             SETH
                   No! Fuck off! You already drank our
                   detergent beer!

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   That was beer?!
                       (to Fogell)
                   Well, you little shit...ain't got no cop
                   people to help you keep your
                   booze...gimme it...

      The Homeless Nutcase reaches for the booze. Seth steps in
      front of him.

                             SETH
                   Back off, or we'll kick the shit out of
                   you!

                             EVAN
                   We can't do that. He's homeless.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                   84.
114   CONTINUED:                                                    114


                             SETH
                   So? Who cares? Just because he doesn't
                   have a home doesn't mean he can be a
                   lunatic!

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Give me the booze!

      The guy shoves Seth aside and dives at Fogell.

      WE GO INTO VERY SLOW MOTION:

      - Helen's bottle of Goldschlager gets knocked from the bag.
      It VERY SLOWLY falls towards the ground.

      - Seth reaches for it, but doesn't quite grab it.

      - WE LOUDLY HEAR the bottle as it slams against the bus
      floor...but doesn't break! It slowly rises back up into the
      air and begins sailing towards the front of the bus.

      - Evan LEAPS through the air, sailing towards the precious
      Goldschlager with his arms extended.

                             EVAN
                       (in slo-mo voice)
                   GOOOOOOOLDSCHLLLAAAAAAAGERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

      - He is inches away from grabbing it, when it suddenly
      smashes into a pole, SHATTERING, sending little gold flakes
      everywhere.

      BACK TO NORMAL.

      The Homeless Guy sees the gold flakes.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Shit!!! Gold!!!

      He starts frantically picking up the flakes as Evan stares at
      the remains, shocked. Fogell walks over.

                              FOGELL
                   What the hell is going on? Where did you
                   come from?

                             BUS DRIVER
                       (calling from front)
                   Get the fuck off the bus or I'm calling
                   the cops!!!

      The boys look at each other terrified, and get off the bus.
                                                                   85.



      EXT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
115                                                                 115

      Seth and Evan are looking at one another coldly as the bus
      pulls away. Fogell looks at some nearby street signs.

                          FOGELL
                    (ecstatic)
                Holy shit! We're like three blocks away!
                Best luck ever!

      EXT. STREET NEAR JULES' PARTY - A LITTLE LATER
116                                                                 116

      The are walking up the street as Evan puts his clothes back
      on right-side out.

      EXT. JULES' PARTY - MOMENTS LATER
117                                                                 117

      The guys walk up the front steps of Jules' house. They stand
      in front of the door.

                          FOGELL
                Fuck yeah, guys. We made it. Together and
                safe.

                          EVAN
                I can't believe Helen's bottle broke.

                          FOGELL
                I'm sure it'll be fine.

                          SETH
                    (sarcastic)
                What's the difference? I thought you
                didn't need it anyways. I thought you
                were just going to tell her how you feel,
                you fucking pussy.

                          EVAN
                Yeah? Well, good luck getting Jule's
                drunk enough to have sex with you.

                          FOGELL
                What's wrong with you guys?

                          SETH
                Shut up, Fogell. Never mind. Evan'll tell
                you next year.

                          FOGELL
                    (to Evan)
                You told him?

      Evan stares Fogell down.

                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      86.
117   CONTINUED:                                                       117


                             SETH
                   Told me what?

                             FOGELL
                   Well we have to tell him now.

                             EVAN
                   Fuck, Fogell! You're a god damn idiot.

                             FOGELL
                   Well, he knows something's up.

                             SETH
                   Just say it!

                              EVAN
                   Shit.
                       (beat)
                   Seth, me and Fogell are rooming together
                   next year.

                              FOGELL
                   I don't even get what the big deal is, to
                   be honest.

                             EVAN
                   I didn't tell you because-

                             SETH
                   Save that shit for later. We've got shit
                   to do.

      Seth just goes into the house with the booze, leaving Fogell
      and Evan.

                             FOGELL
                   We never should have had to hide our
                   arrangement.

      INT. JULES' HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
118                                                                    118

      The party is in full swing. There is loud music blaring and
      nearly a hundred people talking, dancing, and smoking.

                             JULES
                   Seth! Everyone, he's here! He's got it!

      Everyone turns around and sees the Seth holding all the
      liquor.

                             RANDOM GUY
                   He's got a shit load of booze!!!


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                    87.
117   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 117


      Everyone starts cheering! Seth sets it out on the kitchen
      table; it is an impressive array of inebriates.

                          SETH
                The bar is open!

                          EVERYONE
                    (ecstatically cheering)
                Yeah Seth!/Clutch!/Nice!/I can't believe
                it!/Seth did that?!/ Who the fuck is
                Seth?

      In the background, we see Evan and Fogell wander into the
      party as Jules approaches Seth.

                          JULES
                This is awesome. Thank you so much.

                          SETH
                Sorry it was late.

                          JULES
                Yeah. To be honest, people were starting
                to get seriously pissed off. Listen, I've
                got to go tell everyone the drinks are
                here. Don't go anywhere. Promise?

                          SETH
                I'll be right here.

      Jules walks off.

      INT. JULES' KITCHEN   - MOMENTS LATER
119                                                                  119

      Tons of kids pour themselves drinks. Seth and about six other
      kids all have overflowing shots of Jaeger.

                            SETH
                To Jules!

      Everyone drinks and recoils from the taste. A random guy
      refills everyone's shot glasses.

                          RANDOM   GUY
                    (pointing to   Seth)
                Another one, but   to you, man! Everyone,
                to this guy! Who   the fuck are you, man?

                          SETH
                    (exuberant)
                Seth!



                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                      88.
119   CONTINUED:                                                       119


                              RANDOM GUY
                   To Seth!

                              EVERYONE
                   To Seth!

      They all drink.

                             SETH
                   Hey! Let's do another one to me!

      Everyone laughs as Seth, very pleased with himself, starts
      refilling shot glasses.

      EXT. JULES BACKPORCH - CONTINUOUS
120                                                                    120

      Evan walks out onto the back porch, looking for Helen. He
      sees Becca.

                             EVAN
                   Becca! Hey.

                             BECCA
                   Where have you been, you almost blew it.

                              EVAN
                   What?

                             BECCA
                   Helen. She's been waiting for you. She's
                   right over there. She's been yammering
                   about you all night.

                             EVAN
                   What? What did she say? Does she think
                   I'm a good guy? What did she say?

                             BECCA
                   It was something like, "I'll fully blow
                   him tonight."

                              EVAN
                   What?!?

      Evan looks over and sees Helen standing on the balcony with a
      big group of people. He gets really nervous.

                             EVAN (CONT'D)
                   Oh man. This is too much. Oh god. What do
                   I do? I lost the Goldschlager I was
                   supposed to bring her!



                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      89.
120   CONTINUED:                                                       120


                             BECCA
                   Well, Jordana stole a bottle of tequila
                   from her parents and her and Helen have
                   been going at it. I think she'll be fine
                   in that department. I'd just go over
                   there and invite her upstairs, pronto.

                             EVAN
                   What? Oh man...
                       (so nervous)
                   But...she's totally hammered. If I get
                   with her, and I'm not drunk, isn't that,
                   like, date rape?

                             BECCA
                   It's not date rape if you're drunk, too.

                              EVAN
                   I guess.

      Evan looks at Helen and takes a deep breath.

      INT. JULES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
121                                                                    121

      Evan enters the bathroom and slams the door shut, a bottle of
      Ouzo in one hand and a beer in the other. He looks at himself
      in the mirror, seeming as though he's on the verge of a full-
      on panic attack.

                             EVAN
                       (panting)
                   Calm down, Evan. She likes you. She wants
                   to suck on your penis. That's a good
                   thing.

      He opens the Ouzo and smells it, recoiling in disgust.

                             EVAN (CONT'D)
                   Down the hatch.

      Evan takes a mighty swig, then gags and spits it out,
      spraying it everywhere.

      INT. JULES' DEN/ DINING ROOM- CONTINUOUS
122                                                                    122

      Fogell sits bored in front of the TV, drinking a beer. He
      watches a bunch of girls flirt with some boys. Everyone is
      talking and laughing while he sits alone.

      He walks over to the doorway of a room filled with girls
      dancing. In the corner dancing is Nicola. He stares at her
      for a moment, then goes back and sits in front of the TV.


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                   90.
122   CONTINUED:                                                    122


      He changes the channel and "COPS" comes on the screen. It
      shows two cops chasing a crack head, tackling him and knee
      dropping him. Fogell ponders as he watches "COPS." He throws
      back the rest of his beer and marches into the room Nicola is
      dancing in.

      He walks up to Nicola, who is by far the best-looking girl in
      the room, and starts dancing with her. She looks a bit thrown
      at first, but after a few beats, she seems to like it.

                             FOGELL
                   They call you Nicola, right?

                             NICOLA
                   And they call you Fogell.

                              FOGELL
                   Some do.

      They continue dancing.

      I/E. JULE'S KITCHEN/BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

      MONTAGE INTERCUTTING SETH AND EVAN DRINKING:

      INT. JULES KITCHEN
123                                                                 123

      - Seth taking shot after shot in the kitchen with everyone
      else, glancing over at Jules every now and then as she walks
      around the party, sending more people to drink with him.

      INT. JULES BATHROOM
124                                                                 124

      - Evan in the bathroom, forcing himself to brutally suck back
      a disgusting amount of Ouzo. He sips from his beer, takes a
      deep breath, and then starts again.

      INT. JULES HOUSE
125                                                                 125

      - Seth dances jokingly with a few people and tells the story
      of that evening, showing them the detergent jug full of beer
      and acting out the car hitting him.

      INT. JULES BATHROOM
126                                                                 126

      - Evan, who has drank about half the bottle and is pretty
      drunk, stands up, arms reached out, and tries to walk in a
      straight line. He does it fairly well. Frustrated, he sits
      back down and takes another disgusting swig of Ouzo.
                                                                  91.



      INT. JULES HOUSE
127                                                                 127

      - Jules throws Seth a smile when she sees him making everyone
      laugh as he re-fills their cups with very foamy, slightly
      blue-tinted beer from the detergent jug.

      INT. JULES BATHROOM
129                                                                 129

      - Evan can't keep his balance as he tries to touch his nose
      while standing on one foot. He's drunk. He drinks from the
      tap thirstily, eats some toothpaste, fixes his collar and
      hair, and then gathers his courage, takes a deep breath, and
      steps out of the bathroom.

      EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
129                                                                 129

      Evan walks out on the balcony. He spots the circle of people
      Helen was standing in, only now Helen is laying on the
      ground, laughing hysterically. Everyone in the circle is
      looking at her and laughing as well. Evan is extremely
      nervous. Helen looks up and spots him.

                          HELEN
                    (laughing)
                Evan!!! Hey! Come here!!!

      Evan takes a deep breath walks up to where she's laying. She
      extends her arms.

                          HELEN (CONT'D)
                Help me up! None of these people will
                help me up!

      Evan notices that she seems a little drunk. He helps her up
      and she collapses onto him, forcing him to hold her up.

                          EVAN
                Hey, Helen. Sorry I was-

      Helen laughs hysterically as she latches onto Evan. He smells
      her breath. It reeks of alcohol.

      Evan's drunk, but Helen is completely fucking shit-faced!

                           HELEN
                Evan! Oh my god! You are so fucking
                hilarious!
                    (to the group)
                Do you goes know how fucking hilarious
                Evan is?
                    (to Evan)
                Tell them how hilarious you are!


                                                         (CONTINUED)
                                                                      92.
129   CONTINUED:                                                       129


      The group looks over to Evan.

                             EVAN
                   Uh...well...uh...

                             HELEN
                   Listen to him!

      Helen starts laughing hysterically.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   See?!! He is so cute!

      The group chuckles a little. Helen puts her arms around Evan.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   I've been waiting for you for, like,
                   ever. What took you so long? Do you have
                   my Goldschlager?

                             EVAN
                   Oh man, it's a crazy story-

      Helen picks up a bottle of tequila and shoves it into Evan's
      hand.

                             HELEN
                   Here! Don't worry, we can drink this.

                             EVAN
                   I'm already pretty wasted.
                   But...uh...here's to you.

      Evan takes a much-unwanted drink and gags.

                             HELEN
                   Light-weight!

      Everyone laughs.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   Hey...me and you should go upstairs now.
                   I really want to...tell you something.

                             EVAN
                       (confused and drunk)
                   Uh...uh...uh...you could just tell me
                   right here-

                             HELEN
                       (laughing)
                   No! Let's go upstairs, come on!


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                  93.
129   CONTINUED: (2)                                               129


      Evan hears everyone giggle as Helen pulls him towards the
      house. Helen trips, just managing not to fall.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                Careful...

      INT. JULES' DINING ROOM WITH DANCING PEOPLE - CONTINUOUS
130                                                                 130

      Nicola and Fogell are standing in the corner of the room.
      Nicola is looking at Fogell's ID.

                           NICOLA
                McLovin! That's the funniest thing I've
                ever seen!

                          FOGELL
                Yeah, I just thought it sounded old.

      They both laugh and their eyes meet.

      INT. JULES KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
131                                                                 131

      The party is in full swing and everyone is getting good and
      drunk. Jules walks up to Seth, who is clearly piss drunk.

                          JULES
                Hey, I'm back. I had to thank the peeps
                for comin' out.

                          SETH
                    (really, really, drunk)
                Jules! The hostess with the most-est! The
                woman of the hour!

      Seth takes a swig of a beer.

                          SETH (CONT'D)
                This party's blowin' my ass off! I want
                you to have a drink with me.

      Seth offers her a beer.

                          JULES
                No, thanks. I'm good. But, seriously,
                thanks for getting all the drinks. It
                really made the night.

                          SETH
                It's just how I roll, Jules. No problems,
                no problems.

      Jules laughs and Seth sees that his charm is working.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     94.
131   CONTINUED:                                                      131


                             SETH (CONT'D)
                   Uh...you know...I love talking, and
                   conversing with you, you're so good at
                   it, but I can't hear you. Could we just
                   go on the...uh...balcony or something?

      Jules eyes Seth suspiciously. Seth just looks at her, smiling
      drunkenly.

                             JULES
                   Why not? I haven't conversed in ages.
                   Let's do it.

      Jules walks out of the kitchen. He finishes off his beer and
      then, happy as shit, drunkenly dances out of the kitchen and
      after Jules.

      INT. JULES' BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
132                                                                   132

      Evan practically holds Helen up, almost dropping her several
      times, as they stumble into Jules' bedroom. Helen puts down
      the tequila and starts kissing Evan, but it's not nice
      kissing, it's sloppy porno kissing with way too much tongue.
      After a few moments Evan pulls away and looks at the
      remarkably drunk Helen.

                             EVAN
                   Are you okay?

                             HELEN
                   I so flirt with you in Math.

                             EVAN
                   Oh man. Helen...I want to tell you, I
                   mean, I've wanted to tell you, for a long
                   time-

                             HELEN
                   I know. I've wanted to get with you so
                   hard.

      Helen kisses him.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   Like...so hard.

      Helen yanks him onto the bed and starts sloppily kissing him
      again. Evan doesn't know what to do. She tries to take off
      Evan's shirt, but is way too inebriated to undo the buttons.
      Evan yanks it off.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   Good...

                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                   95.
132   CONTINUED:                                                    132


      Helen stands up and starts to waver back and forth. She looks
      like she's about to tip over, but she catches herself and
      sloppily tries to strike a sexy pose like a model.

      Evan watches in dread as she starts to strip, pulling her
      shirt over her head, completely failing to look sexual.

      As Evan watches the tragedy unfold, he grabs the bottle of
      tequila and takes a big swig. Helen sits on the floor and
      concentrates on untying her shoes.

                             HELEN (CONT'D)
                   What the fuck...stupid shoe...

      Evan moves over to help her. He can't do it either.

                             EVAN
                   Shit. Can you, like, slip out?

      Helen tries to squeeze her feet out, but she can't. She grabs
      a pair of scissors off a desk.

                             EVAN (CONT'D)
                   Whoa. Fuckin'...careful.

      She snips off the knot and slips her shoe off.

                             HELEN
                   You...take off your pants...
                       (drunkenly waving the scissors)
                   Or I'll cut `em off.

      Helen laughs as she staggers to her feet and start kissing
      Evan. He starts taking off his pants.

      INT. JULES' STAIRCASE - MOMENTS LATER
133                                                                 133

      Nicola leads Fogell up the stairs.

                             NICOLA
                   I can't believe I'm about to get with
                   "Fogell".

                             FOGELL
                   Why?

                             NICOLA
                   I don't know. You're like, the most
                   mysterious guy in the grade. Like, nobody
                   knows anything about you.

                             FOGELL
                   Well, you're about to learn a few things.
                                                                   96.



      EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
134                                                                 134

      Jules and Seth step out onto the front porch. There is no one
      else out there. The moment the door closes behind them, Seth
      turns to Jules and puts his hands on her hips. He stares into
      her eyes and moves in for the kiss.

      Jules instantly pulls back.

                          JULES
                Whoa! Whoa! Slow down.

                          SETH
                What? What's wrong?

                          JULES
                I'd...uh...prefer if we did this at some
                other time.

                          SETH
                    (confused)
                But...there is no other time. School's
                up! This is the only time...what's wrong
                with now?

                          JULES
                Well, you're drunk. Like, really, really
                drunk.

                          SETH
                So? So are you.

                          JULES
                I'm not drunk at all. I don't even drink.

      Seth is absolutely shocked. It takes his remarkably drunk
      mind a moment to process this information.

                          SETH
                You don't drink? But...but, you told me
                to get the liquor!

                          JULES
                Yeah, I'm...uh...throwin' a party,
                remember?

                          SETH
                You don't drink!?!

                          JULES
                No. I don't drink.



                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                      97.
134   CONTINUED:                                                       134


                             SETH
                   And you, don't want to...uh, you know...

                             JULES
                   Uh, no. Not right now, thank you very
                   much.

      Seth looks at Jules and realizes that he's screwed up. His
      eyes start to water.

                             SETH
                   Ahhh....man...fuck....

      Seth starts to cry.

                             JULES
                   Are you crying?

                             SETH
                   No! Yeah, so what if I am? I'm a fucking
                   idiot and it was my last chance! So I
                   should be crying.

                             JULES
                   Last chance to do what?

                             SETH
                   To make you my girlfriend for the summer,
                   okay? There! You're, like, the coolest
                   person that's ever talked to me, and I
                   thought we'd both be drunk, but...

                             JULES
                   What would me be drunk have anything to
                   do with it?

                              SETH
                   `Cause you'd never get with me in your
                   right mind! Look at me!
                       (beat)
                   And now look at you!

      Suddenly, the front door opens, and a RANDOM GIRL walks out.

                             RANDOM GIRL
                       (yelling into the house)
                   Hey, Ricky! Was it a quarter, or an
                   eighth you want?

                             RICKY (O.S.)
                   A fat eighth!

      The Random Girl notices Seth and Jules.

                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                   98.
134   CONTINUED: (2)                                                134


                          RANDOM GIRL
                Whoa. Sorry.

      The girl hops down the stairs and walks off as Jules stares
      at the sobbing Seth.

      INT. JULES' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
135                                                                 135

      Evan sitting on the bed in only his boxers, and Helen is just
      getting her pants off, leaving her only in her lingerie.
      Evan's eyes widen. She looks at Evan and rubs her breasts in
      a very un-sexy way.

                          HELEN
                I wore this for you. Here we go...

      Helen crawls onto the bed, pushes Evan down, and starts
      seriously making out with him, drunker and sloppier than
      ever.

                          HELEN (CONT'D)
                Evan, I'm so wet.

                          EVAN
                    (still nervous)
                You're so beautiful.

      Helen shoves her hand down Evan's boxers. Evan jolts,
      terrified!

                          HELEN
                You've got such a smooth cock.

                           EVAN
                Um...thank you. I've thought you were a
                really incredible person for a really
                long time.

      Evan looks really nervous as Helen's hand starts moving up
      and down.

                          HELEN
                You've got to get hard for me...real
                hard.

                          EVAN
                I'm...I'm..I'm about to. But first I just
                want to tell you exactly how I-

                          HELEN
                I'm gonna suck your dick so good.

      Evan is taken aback.

                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                      99.
135   CONTINUED:                                                       135


                             EVAN
                   You don't have to do that, you know, we
                   can start this relationship on something
                   more than just that.

                             HELEN
                   Yeah, Evan. I know.
                       (in a sultry, whispery voice)
                   I need you to eat my hairy love crack.

                             EVAN
                   Jesus Christ.

      Evan sits up.

                             HELEN
                   What's wrong?

      Beat.

                             EVAN
                   You don't want to do this.

                             HELEN
                   Yeah I do, I want to fuck you.

                             EVAN
                   Look, you know I really like you, Helen,
                   but this is...it's just too intense. And
                   I'm so drunk I don't even know how to,
                   like, process-

                             HELEN
                   You're just being a pussy.

                             EVAN
                   What? Did you just call me a...pussy?

                             HELEN
                   Yeah...a scared little pussy-

      PUKE! Evan watches in horror as Helen vomits all over Jules'
      bed.

                             EVAN
                   Oh god! Oh...

                             HELEN
                   I need Becca...Becca...

                             EVAN
                   I'll...uh...I'll go get her. Are you
                   going to be okay?

                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                 100.
135   CONTINUED: (2)                                               135


                          HELEN
                Oh God, oh God, oh...I'm puking...

      PUKE! Evan winces as she throws up again.

      INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
136                                                                 136

      Fogell is laying on his back on the bed and Nicola is
      straddling him. They are kissing. Nicola sits up and takes
      Fogell's hand and starts sucking his fingers.

                          FOGELL
                I've got a boner.

                          NICOLA
                Good. Do you have a condom?

      He pulls a condom out.

                            FOGELL
                And lube.

      He pulls out a little bottle of lube.

      EXT. JULES' FRONT PORCH
137                                                                 137

      Seth and Jules are both seated on the stairs. Seth has his
      face in his hands. Jules is patting him on the back, but
      clearly feels awkward.

                          JULES
                Seth, you...uh...

      Seth looks up at her, drunk as hell, his eyes half-open.

                          JULES (CONT'D)
                You didn't blow it, you're a-

      Seth blanks out and falls forward. BAM! He head-butts Jules
      in the face!

                            JULES (CONT'D)
                AAAHHH!

      Jules clutches her eye as Seth slumps onto the patio floor,
      unconscious. She gets up, yelling in pain, as Seth opens his
      eyes.

                          JULES (CONT'D)
                Seth! What the fuck!

                          SETH
                ...help me...

                                                        (CONTINUED)
                                                                  101.
137   CONTINUED:                                                    137


      Jules storms into the house, leaving Seth lying on the front
      porch. He wiggles around a bit.

                             SETH (CONT'D)
                   ...sorry...

      Seth passes out again. A few moments go by, when SUDDENLY a
      cop car pulls up in front of the house. Seth opens his eyes
      and sees the cops.

                                SETH (CONT'D)
                   Oh no.

      Two cops get out and start harassing two kids smoking a joint
      on the front lawn. One of them turns on their flashlight and
      Seth sees - it's OFFICER SLATER and MICHAELS!!!

                                SETH (CONT'D)
                   ...Evan...

      INT. JULES' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
138                                                                 138

      Evan, sitting on the couch next to Miroki (Evan's partner
      from cooking class), drinking a bottle of tequila. He's
      absolutely smashed.

                             EVAN
                   Life's bullshit, huh, Miroki?

      Suddenly, Seth bursts into the room and grabs Evan's shirt.

                             EVAN (CONT'D)
                   Fuckin' wax off, asshole!

                             SETH
                   No...I'm helping you, man! Just listen...

      Seth grabs Evan's wrists and tries to pull him to his feet.

                              EVAN
                   Fuck off, jerk! You're hurting my
                   shoulders!

      Just then, Terry (the guy who spat on Seth in the beginning)
      walks by.

                             TERRY
                   Hey! Look, it's Christina and Britney.
                   Have fun boning each other on grad night!

      Terry and his buddies laugh their asses off when, suddenly-



                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                    102.
138   CONTINUED:                                                      138


      KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The loud authoritative knocking echoes
      through the party and everyone looks to the door, knowing it
      can only mean one thing. Someone opens the door, revealing
      Officer Slater and Officer Michaels! They talk to whoever
      answered the door, oblivious of Evan and Seth.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   We had a complaint about the noise. It
                   looks like you're having a nice little
                   party here.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   A nice little underage drinking party.

      Evan points at the cops.

                             EVAN
                   Dude! Seth! It's the cops! The cops.

                             SETH
                   That's what I've been...! Here...

      Seth pulls Evan up and the two drunkenly make their way out
      of the living room just as the cops step into it.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Okay, everyone out. Party's over. Get out
                   of here.

      Michaels turns to Slater.

                             OFFICER SLATER(CONT'D)
                   I'll go upstairs. I told you this would
                   release some anger.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   I'll tell you what would release some
                   anger, if one of these little fuckers
                   touched me and I got to club his face in.

      EXT. JULES' BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
139                                                                   139

      Seth and Evan run through the back yard. Seth stumbles and
      falls, but quickly gets up. With great difficulty, The boys
      drunkenly lift themselves up and over the fence.

      INT. JULES PARENTS'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
140                                                                   140

      Fogell is on top of Nicola in the missionary position.

                             NICOLA
                   Oh...uh...oh...


                                                             (CONTINUED)
                                                                     103.
140   CONTINUED:                                                       140


                              FOGELL
                   It's...it's in.
                       (beat)
                   It's in.

      Fogell wears the greatest look of accomplishment one could
      possibly imagine.

      SUDDENLY, Officer Michaels bursts into the room and flicks on
      the lights.

                             FOGELL (CONT'D)
                   What the hell?

      Nicola screams, grabs her clothes, and runs into the
      bathroom.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   McLovin? What the fuck?

                             FOGELL
                   Officer Slater?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   You ran away from us!
                       (turns to the door)
                   Michaels! Get up here!

                             FOGELL
                   No! I hit my head when we crashed. I was
                   all disoriented and I just wandered off,
                   confused. Seriously!

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Shut the fuck up! Wait a minute. How old
                   was that girl? 16, 17? You sick bastard,
                   that's statutory rape, McLovin.

      Officer Slater appears in the doorway.

                              OFFICER SLATER
                   McLovin!

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   He was violating a sixteen year-old girl!

                             FOGELL
                   What? No! No!

      Fogell covers himself with the blanket and starts to get up.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                  104.
140   CONTINUED: (2)                                                140


                          FOGELL (CONT'D)
                I didn't break the law! I'm not really
                even-

                          OFFICER MICHAELS
                Sit your ass down and keep it down.

                          OFFICER SLATER
                You're going to jail, fucko.

      Nicola, now dressed, emerges from the bathroom. She screams
      and runs out. They take Fogell's arms and handcuff him.

                          OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
                    (to Fogell)
                They don't take kindly to your type in
                jail, McLovin.

      EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
141                                                                 141

      Drunk, joyful, and out of breath, the boys stop running.

                          EVAN
                Dude. You saved me!

                          SETH
                I totally did! I wanted to!

                          EVAN
                Wanna sleep at my house, man? You're my
                best friend!

                          SETH
                Yeah! Sleepover! Fuckin...you got pizza
                bagels still?

                          EVAN
                Yeah!!!! Look what else I gots!

      Evan pulls a half bottle of tequila.

                          SETH
                Nice!

      They start to drink it together.

      EXT. JULES' FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
142                                                                 142

      All the kids from the party have congregated in the front
      yard. The cop car is parked right in front. We see the
      Officers dragging Fogell through the crowd of kids.



                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                     105.
142   CONTINUED:                                                       142


                             TERRY (O.S.)
                   Stupid pigs.

      SUDDENLY, a WAD OF SPIT hits Slater in the shoulder! He turns
      and sees Terry, the guy who spat on Seth. Slater walks over
      and bashes the kid in the face with his nightstick. The kid
      drops.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   There you go.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   That does feel better.

      They throw Fogell into the back of the cop car.

      INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
143                                                                    143

      The cops both get in and slam their doors. They just stare
      forward.

                             FOGELL
                   So...am I going to jail?

      The two cops burst out laughing hysterically.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                       (laughing his ass off)
                   Yeah!! You're going to fuckin' Azkaban!!!

                                FOGELL
                   What?

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   You are the funniest fuckin' kid I have
                   ever met!

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   We've been fuckin' with you! Jesus! I
                   love this kid!

                             FOGELL
                   I don't understand!

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   We know you're not twenty five! What are
                   we, morons? My god! What are you?
                   Sixteen?

                                FOGELL
                   Seventeen.



                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                     106.
143   CONTINUED:                                                       143


                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Seventeen! Ha! We had you going, McLovin!

      EXT. BUS - SOON AFTER
144                                                                    144

      Seth and Evan sit at the back of the empty bus together.

                             EVAN
                   Is the bang bus anything like this?

      Seth cracks up laughing.

      EXT. SHOPWELL'S - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
145                                                                    145

      The cop car is spinning donuts in the middle of the empty
      lot. It stops. Fogell and Officer Michaels get out, both
      smiling. The driver side window rolls down, reveal Slater.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Alright, boys. What I'm about to show you
                   is pretty much the greatest move in donut-
                   spinning history. Behold: the reverse
                   figure-eight.

      Slater drives to the other side of the lot.

                             FOGELL
                   So, like, what's your official position?

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   If you were in, you were in. You are no
                   longer a virgin, end of story. Screw
                   cumming.

      Suddenly, Slater guns it and speeds across the lot, slamming
      the breaks, spinning wildly in several erratic donuts
      backward donuts.

      Slater completely loses control of the car. He smashes
      through a bunch of shopping carts and slams into a light
      post, completely fucking up the cruiser.

      Slater tries to open his door, but it won't budge. He crawls
      out the missing windshield, slumping onto the ground.

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   Alright. I think that's all the fun we're
                   gettin' out of this one.

      EXT. CLIFFSIDE - LATER
146                                                                    146

      Slater hands Fogell his note pad.


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                   107.
146   CONTINUED:                                                     146


                             OFFICER SLATER
                   ...and by signing this you are officially
                   saying that as we stopped you from being
                   mugged, a crack-head stole our cruiser
                   and did God knows what with it.

                             FOGELL
                   Of course. That mugger had nothing but
                   murder in his eyes. I owe you my life.

      Fogell signs the pad.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   Can we do this already?

      The cops and Fogell push the cruiser towards a small, but
      steep, hill. They shove it over the edge and watch it roll.
      It gains speed and smashes into a tree, shattering the
      windows and crushing the front of the car.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS (CONT'D)
                   Can we shoot at it?

                             OFFICER SLATER
                   I don't know, can you?

      They whip out their guns.

                             OFFICER SLATER (CONT'D)
                   I'm throwin' down the gauntlet. 50 bucks.
                   Whoever hits the gas tank.

                             OFFICER MICHAELS
                   You are so fucking on.

                             FOGELL
                   Can I get a shot?

      Slater hands Fogell his gun. With a huge smile, Fogell raises
      the gun, aims it at the police cruiser, and BLASTS off round
      after round.

      INT. EVAN'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
147                                                                  147

      Seth and Evan are lying in sleeping bags beside one another.
      The now empty bottle of Tequila lies between them. They are
      laughing very hard, still drunk off their asses.

                             SETH
                   I can't believe she said that shit.

                             EVAN
                   Oh my lord. You have no idea!

                                                            (CONTINUED)
                                                                     108.
147   CONTINUED:                                                       147


      They laugh harder.

                             EVAN (CONT'D)
                   And then you saved me, man! I fucking
                   love you!

                             SETH
                   I fucking love you, too, man! I'm not
                   embarrassed, I just love you!

                             EVAN
                   Why don't we say that more? It feels
                   good! I love you more than my brother,
                   man. Like, when you went away for Easter
                   last year, I, like, missed you. You know?

                             SETH
                   I missed you, too. Come here, man.

      Seth grabs Evan and they hug.

                             SETH (CONT'D)
                   We'll always be friends. `Cause we love
                   each other.

      They stop hugging and sit back down. They're laughter slows
      down and there is a moment of silence.

                             SETH (CONT'D)
                   Like, three weeks ago I was in you room
                   and, like, you were taking a dump and...I
                   saw your residence placement thingy. I
                   totally saw you're living with Fogell.
                   So, like-

                             EVAN
                   I'm sorry, man.

                             SETH
                   Don't be! Don't be! I'm sorry. I was
                   being a bitch.

                              EVAN
                   I need you to know that it's not like I
                   even want to live with Fogell; it's just
                   that I'm really afraid of living with
                   strangers.

      There is a moment of silence.




                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                  109.
147   CONTINUED: (2)                                                147


                          SETH
                You know...I was pissed off I didn't get
                with Jules, but, like...we really got
                through a lot of our shit, you know?

                          EVAN
                Yeah, me too. Like, yeah...at least we
                kind of came together, again.

      Beat.

                          EVAN (CONT'D)
                Good night, Seth. I love you.

                          SETH
                Night, Evan. Love you, man.

      INT. EVAN'S HOUSE - BASEMENT - THE NEXT MORNING
148                                                                 148

      Evan wakes up and looks over at Seth, who is also waking.
      They look at each other extremely awkwardly, almost as though
      they drunkenly had sex with each other last night.

                          EVAN
                Oh...uh...hey. Morning.

                          SETH
                Uh...morning.

      They stare at each other, uncomfortable.

                          EVAN
                You sleep good?

                          SETH
                Yeah. This is a really good pillow.

                          EVAN
                Um...

      Seth looks at his watch.

                          SETH
                Maybe I should get going.

                          EVAN
                You don't have to. I'm not, like, doing
                anything.

      Beat.




                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                                     110.
148   CONTINUED:                                                       148


                             SETH
                   Oh...do you want to hang out? I
                   was...gonna go to the mall, actually.

                             EVAN
                   Oh. Cool, well, can I come? I need a
                   comforter. For college.

                             SETH
                   Yeah. That'd be nice. I'd really like
                   that.

      INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - NEXT DAY
149                                                                    149

      Evan is standing in the pants section of a department store.
      Seth walks out of the dressing room wearing jeans that are
      way too small.

                             EVAN
                   Don't ask me. I don't give a shit if your
                   pants look good.

                             SETH
                   Well, I need someone's opinion.

                             EVAN
                   Fine. They're way too small.

                             SETH
                   Yeah, but when I was wearing your dad's
                   pants last night I realized that if I buy
                   pants that are too small it'll encourage
                   me to lose weight. And in tight pants
                   chicks'll kind of see my dick a little.

                             EVAN
                   Yeah, the male camel toe look is really
                   big this year.

      Seth goes back into the dressing room and wriggles out of the
      pants. He walks out.

                             SETH
                   These pants suck. Let's the get the fuck
                   out of here.

      INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
150                                                                    150

      They walk through the department store, when suddenly, Evan
      sees Helen and Jules looking at comforters.

      ANGLE ON: Helen and Jules


                                                              (CONTINUED)
                                                                      111.
150   CONTINUED:                                                        150


                             HELEN
                   Again, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I
                   actually did that.

                             JULES
                   I feel sorry that I'm making you buy me a
                   new one.

                             HELEN
                   I have to. It's puke.

      ANGLE ON: Seth and Evan

                                EVAN
                   Holy shit!

      Helen looks like hell and Jules has a horrible black eye.

                             SETH
                   Is that them?

      They stare at the two girls from afar.

                             EVAN
                   Should we hide?

      Helen looks and notices them. She waves and points them out
      to Jules. Seth and Evan wave back. The girls get up and start
      to walk over.

                             SETH
                       (pretending to smile)
                   Fuck that, man. I can't talk to her, look
                   what I did to her!

                             EVAN
                       (pretending to smile)
                   Helen called me a pussy to my face! What
                   am I going to say to her?

      The girls walk up to them.

                  HELEN                                JULES
      Hi Evan, Seth.                       Hey guys.

                   EVAN                                 SETH
      Hi Helen, Hi Jules.                  Jules. Helen. Hi.

      Everyone looks very embarrassed.

                             SETH
                   Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Jules.


                                                               (CONTINUED)
                                                                 112.
150   CONTINUED: (2)                                               150


                             JULES
                It's okay.

                          EVAN
                    (to Helen)
                How are you feeling?

                          HELEN
                Not bad, but not great, how about you?

                          SETH
                    (to Jules)
                That looks terrible. No! I mean, it
                doesn't look terrible, it looks-

                          JULES
                Don't worry about it, Seth. It was an
                accident.

                          EVAN
                    (to Helen)
                Did you have fun last night?

                          JULES
                    (to Seth)
                Do you remember much?

                          HELEN
                    (to Evan)
                I really don't remember much.

                          SETH
                    (to Jules)
                Not really. I remember looking up, and
                you screaming at me. That's about it.

      Jules laughs.

                          HELEN
                    (to Evan)
                I didn't puke on you, did I?

      Evan laughs.

                          EVAN
                No, I dodged it. Whizzed right by me.

                          SETH
                    (to Jules)
                But seriously, I acted like a fuckin'
                idiot last night. I'm really sorry, you
                didn't deserve that.


                                                          (CONTINUED)
                                                                  113.
150   CONTINUED: (3)                                                150


                          HELEN
                    (to Evan)
                Yeah, I...um...I'm sorry, about all that.
                Thanks for being such a gentleman.

      There is a moment of silence.

                          SETH
                You look good with a black eye.

      They all chuckle a little.

                          JULES
                Thanks, smart guy. That's why I'm here. I
                have to go to Macy's to get a shitload of
                cover-up for the grad photo.

                          SETH
                    (mortified)
                Oh man...

                          HELEN
                Yeah, and I'm going to Linen Brothers to
                buy Jules a new comforter.

                          EVAN
                Oh! I have to get a comforter too, for
                college.

                          JULES
                    (flirtatiously, joking)
                So, you gonna come with me to Macy's and
                buy me my cover-up, or what?

                           SETH
                Yes! Definitely. I'd love to. I had such
                bad acne last year, I became an expert on
                the stuff.

                          EVAN
                You could get your college pants there.

                          SETH
                Yeah, but wait...you drove me here, Evan
                drove me here, how do we-

                          JULES
                I've got my dad's car. I'll take you
                home, and Evan can give Helen a lift.

                          HELEN
                That sounds good.


                                                           (CONTINUED)
                                                               114.
150   CONTINUED: (4)                                             150


                          EVAN
                Maybe we can go eat after?

                             HELEN
                Sweet.

      Seth and Evan look at each other, odd smiles on both their
      faces. They didn't blow it.

                          SETH
                So, uh, I'll call you later.

                          EVAN
                Yeah man, have a good one.

                          JULES
                Come on, Seth. Let's go.

      Jules pulls Seth away. Evan and Helen start walking in the
      opposite direction.

      As they walk away from one another, Seth and Evan look back
      and give each other a small and yet emotionally-charged wave.
      A SLOW, GUT WRENCHING SOUL SONG STARTS TO PLAY. They look as
      though they're never going to see each other again.

      INT. MACY'S ESCALATOR
151                                                                151

      As Jules and Seth walk into Macy's and Helen and Evan descend
      an escalator, the music swells to a mind-fuckingly awesome
      crescendo, and we humbly fade to black...

      THE END

      END CREDIT SEQUENCE:

      We flip through Seth's seemingly endless penis drawings from
      childhood. They are hilarious.