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The Change-Up Movie Script

Writer(s) : Jon Lucas, Scott Moore

Genres : Comedy

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                                  THE CHANGE-UP



                                   Written by

                            Jon Lucas & Scott Moore



                                                         July 31, 2009


                         

          OPEN ON: PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
          Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then a second baby
          joins in, even more shrill than the first. Finally, we hear
          the worst two words a parent can ever hear:

          GROGGY WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
          Your turn.

          GROGGY MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
          Fuck.

          INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE -- NIGHT

          DAVE LOCKWOOD, 30, bleary-eyed father of three, shuffles
          through his well-appointed suburban home, passing a
          grandfather clock reading 3:45. He stumbles over a TOY
          GIRAFFE -- it SQUEAKS, and Dave sleepily mumbles:

                         DAVE
          Sorry Hank.

          INT. NURSERY-- NIGHT

          His eyes half-open, Dave changes the diaper of his very cute,
          very insane nine month old daughter, SARAH, who screams and
          pitches about her changing table.

                         DAVE

                         PLEASE DON'T--
          Honey, that's not--
          Maybe if you--
          She snatches a tin of baby powder and swings it about like a
          mace, knocking over the diaper caddy, the wipes, the lotion --
          and dispersing a cloud of white powder all over the nursery.
          Blinded and SNEEZING, Dave manages to stay on point and
          change the diaper like Van Damme at the end of Bloodsport.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Can't-see ...must...persevere...
          He finishes changing Sarah, places her back in her crib, then
          picks up Sarah's twin brother, PETER, from his crib -- which
          is good because he's been SLAMMING his head against the wall.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Come on, buddy, we've talked about
          the head thing--
          Dave places Peter on the changing table and opens his diaper.
          It's only wet, and Dave, pleasantly relieved, reaches for a
          fresh diaper...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          2.
          Only Sarah has knocked the caddy all the way down the
          changing table...
          Holding down Peter with his left hand, Dave fully extends,
          leaning waaay over, reaching for the diaper caddy...
          It's just out of reach.. .he somehow stretches further...
          It's only when Dave glances back that he realizes that his
          head is now perfectly lined up with his son's QUIVERING ANUS.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Oh no.

          THE BABY'S BUTT-HOLE ERUPTS
          with mustardy projectile stool, blasting Dave in the eyes,
          nose and open mouth. Dave remains frozen, excrement dripping
          down his face -- but, like a true dad, he does not let go of
          his squirming child...

          INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT

          Dave staggers down the hall, his hair white with baby powder,
          his face covered in poo, and a twin in each arm SCREAMING
          into each of his ears.
          He soldiers on, stoic, an unsung hero in his time...

          INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

          Juggling the twins in his arms, Dave wipes his face off with
          paper towels and prepares two baby bottles -- nipples,
          filters, defrosted breastmilk -- while the babies take turns
          kicking him in the balls and SCREAMING.

                         DAVE
          Please, sweetheart, not my--
          Honey, Daddy needs those--

          INT. DEN -- NIGHT

          Dave sits on his couch and positions the screaming, squirming
          twins across his lap in an X pattern, plunks the bottles into
          their mouths -- and instantly the twins settle down and slurp
          away like perfect little angels.
          Dave exhales. Whew. Then he reaches for the remote control
          and turns on the TV. An old rerun of Magnum, P.I. is playing.
          Dave watches, exhausted and expressionless.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          3.
          ON SCREEN, Tom Selleck, resplendent in mustache, corduroy
          short shorts, and Hawaiian shirt, teaches a nubile CO-ED in a
          scandalous bikini how to snorkel in beautiful sun-drenched
          Waikiki. They're laughing and having a blast...
          Dave watches, detached... Then his face starts to change...

          MAGNUM, P.I.
          Is this the life you always dreamed
          of?
          Dave shakes his head, no, despair in his eyes...
          ON TV, the co-ed nods, yes, and hungrily kisses Magnum...
          Dave watches on with genuine existential longing... and soon a
          tear falls from his eye. And then another.

                         DAVE
          Take me with you Magnum P. I...
          Before long Dave is CRYING like a schoolgirl.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Please take me with you...

                         CUT TO:

          MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
          How are the kids?

          DAVE (V.0.)
          Terrific! Just terrific.
          We are now

          INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING

          Dave, in a conservative suit and clutching a massive coffee,
          hurries down the hall with FLEMMING STEEL III, 50's, stiff,
          humorless WASPY partner of this white shoe law firm.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Children are such a joy.

                         DAVE
          Aren't they? Yes. Always.
          (to passing SECRETARY)
          Good morning, Rebecca.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Any word on the Amalgamated merger?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          4.

                         DAVE
          All but signed.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          And just in time for your partner
          review no less.

                         DAVE

                         (SMILING)
          Really? I hadn't noticed.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          I look forward to having your antic
          sense of humor in the partners'
          suite, Lockwood. It can get a touch
          dry up there.

                         DAVE
          Thank you, sir.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          (re: Dave's necktie knot)
          But a double windsor? Come on, son,
          this isn't the dog track.

                         DAVE
          No sir, absolutely not. So sorry.
          Dave quickly undoes his tie as Flemming turns down a hallway.
          SABRINA McARDLE, cute young paralegal, falls into step with
          Dave, stymieing laughter.

                         SABRINA MCARDLE
          Really? The dog track?

                         DAVE
          Last week he told me my shoes were
          "dangerously Italian."

                         SABRINA MCARDLE
          (laughing, handing him docs)
          Amalgamated signing statements.

                         DAVE
          Thanks, Sabrina.

                         SABRINA MCARDLE
          Have a good one...
          She smiles and breezes back down the hallway. Dave stops and
          watches her go, lust in his eyes.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          5.
          Then he hears TSK-TSK-TSK. He looks over at his mean old
          secretary, GLADYS, 71, sitting at her desk.

                         GLADYS
          For shame, Mr. Lockwood! For shame!
          You are a married man!

                         DAVE
          I have no idea what you're talking
          about, Gladys...
          Reddening, he snatches a huge pile of pink message slips and
          hurries towards his office. She follows him, scolding:

                         GLADYS
          With children.

                         DAVE
          Yes, thank you, I almost forgot
          about them for like two seconds...

          INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

          Dave enters his modest office; his phone is RINGING.

                         GLADYS
          The only thing that harlot needs to
          put in her mouth is a sandwich.

                         DAVE
          Gladys, I'm a grown man, okay?
          He angrily punches "SPEAKER" on his RINGING phone as he
          reties his tie with a more traditional knot.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Lockwood.
          A shrill, horribly impersonated British accent fills Dave's
          office -- as well as all of the surrounding offices.

          VOICE ON PHONE

          YES, MY DOUCHEBAG EXPLODED THIS

          MORNING AND I'D LIKE TO SUE--!
          As Gladys and various CO-WORKERS turn, shocked, Dave quickly
          fumbles for the receiver and takes the call off speaker.

                         DAVE
          Jesus, Mitch, I'm at work--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          6.

          VOICE ON PHONE

          WHO'S MITCH?! THIS IS MISS ELIZA

          HAVERSHAM AND I AM THE VICTIM OF A

          FAULTY BAG OF DOUCHE!

                         DAVE
          Dude, how stoned are you?

                         INTERCUT WITH:
          MITCH PLANKO, 30, shirtless, Dodgers hat backwards, sitting
          on a futon in his sparse white apartment, smoking a bong
          shaped like a shotgun. Beat. He drops the horrible accent:

                         MITCH
          I'm pretty stoned.

                         DAVE
          Come on, it's 10 in the morning.

                         MITCH
          Dude, guess what? Great news.

                         DAVE
          What?

                         MITCH
          I found a futon on the street.

                         DAVE
          That is great news.

                         MITCH
          I sort of had to fight a bum for it
          -- is that bad?

                         DAVE
          Kind of. Is there a reason you're
          calling or--?

                         MITCH
          Are you gonna bitch out on tonight?
          You are, aren't you.
          Dave, half-listening, sits at his desk and answers emails.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Dodgers-Giants, dude! We haven't
          missed one of these in like 20
          years! Don't be a vajeen!

                         DAVE
          Dude, I'm coming--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          7.

                         MITCH
          You always do this! You never make
          time for your friends anymore and
          I'm sorry to be the one to tell you
          this, but people are starting to
          talk. Feelings are getting hurt.

                         DAVE
          Really? Whose feelings?

                         MITCH
          Not mine, because, like a samurai,
          I have trained myself to feel
          nothing except revenge and honor,
          but other people -- nameless,
          other, more sensitive people -- are
          hurt, and they think you need to
          treasure your friendships a little
          bit more.
          (exhaling massive bong rip)
          How concerned should I be that my
          new futon smells like death?

                         DAVE
          (distracted, typing)
          Look, just, what time are you
          picking me up tonight?

                         MITCH
          If you bail I will rape you.

                         DAVE
          Dude, I get it, I'm coming--

                         MITCH
          In your eye. I will eye-rape you.

                         REPEATEDLY--
          Just then there's a knock on Mitch's apartment door.

          VOICE AT HIS DOOR (V.0.)
          Mitch?

                         MITCH
          Shit.
          Mitch starts waving away the pot smoke.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Gotta go, pick you up at six--!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          8.
          STAY WITH MITCH as he quickly clicks off his iPhone, jams his
          bong under the futon, opens the window, and tries to blow the
          pot smoke out of his apartment with quick little PUFFS.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          One sec, Dad!
          The smoke clears and Mitch jogs to the door and opens it to
          reveal his father, MITCH, SR., 60's, friendly, in a suit,
          holding a pile of mail.

          MITCH, SR.
          Hey, buddy! Your mailbox was
          spilling over.

                         MITCH
          Oh thanks, I always forget.
          They hug, and Mitch takes the mail and, without looking at
          it, chucks it onto a HUGE PILE OF OLD MAIL in the corner.

          MITCH, SR.
          Were you smoking marijuana in here?

                         MITCH
          No! Honestly, it's my new futon, it
          smells like illegal drugs.

          MITCH, SR.
          We've talked about this, Mitch.
          Smoke your grass on the balcony,
          okay? It's just hard for me to tell
          the other tenants they can't smoke
          in their units when my own son is
          blazing away in his, you know?

                         MITCH
          You got it, Dad.

          MITCH, SR.
           Oh hey, I saw your commercial on
          channel 9 again last night...

                         MITCH
          Which one? "Give Gonorrhea The
          Boot" or "Samir's Pet Shack Our Low
          Low Prices Are Snake-sational?"

          MITCH, SR.
          Samir's Pet Shack. It's just a
          shame you can't see your face in
          that giant ape costume.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          9.

                         MITCH
          Actually, the real shame is that
          Samir paid me in fucking organic
          bird seed, but whatever...
          He glares at several crates of BIRD SEED by the door.

          MITCH, SR.
          Well, your mother would've liked
          it. She always loved animals...

                         (AWKWARD MOMENT)
          Anyway. I was just in the
          neighborhood, wanted to check in.
          How you doing, cash-wise?

                         MITCH
          I'm a little tight, actually, Pops.
          Especially vis a vis, you know, the
          whole bird seed situation.

          MITCH, SR.
          Five hundred?

                         MITCH
          Can you make it a grand?
          Mitch's dad smiles to hide his disappointment and hands his
          30-year-old son a roll of hundred dollar bills.

          MITCH, SR.
          You thought any more about coming
          to work for me?

                         MITCH
          Yeeeah...I'm not really sure I'm a
          "work" guy, you know what I mean?
          Plus, I've been getting a ton of
          auditions recently, so...

          MITCH, SR.
          Okay, well, my door is always open.

                         MITCH
          Thanks, pop. Bones.
          Mitch, Sr. smiles and awkwardly bumps his son's fist.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Batting cages next weekend?

          MITCH, SR.
          Great! See you then.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          10.
          Mitch, Sr. smiles sadly and exits. Mitch BURPS and reaches
          for his bong, having noticed none of his father's distress...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BRENTWOOD -- EVENING

          ESTABLISHING SHOTS of Dave's beautiful colonial home. Huge
          oak trees shade the lush front lawn. New Audi and BMW station
          wagons sit in the driveway. We hear WATER SPLASHING...

          INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- EVENING

          The twins sit in the bath, motionless, anticipatory...

          DAVE (V.0.)

          .AND THEN THE BABY-EATING MONSTER

          EMERGES FROM THE DEEP RAAWWWWR.
          Dave rises up from beside the tub, arms upraised, soap suds
          covering his face! The twins SCREAM and SPLASH, ecstatic!
          Dave tries not to laugh, but he's having too much fun...
          Behind Dave, his sweet daughter CARA, 5, sits on the closed
          toilet lid in a ballet tutu, reading her BUTTERFLY BOOK.

                         CARA
          Daddy daddy, which is your favorite
          butterfly, the Southern Monarch or
          the Many-Spotted Skipperling?
          Dave glances at the book as he washes the twins.

                         DAVE
          Oh, I'm a Many-Spotted Skipperling
          man all the way. The Southern
          Monarch is just a glorified moth.

                         CARA

                         (VERY SERIOUS)
          Yes. I tend to agree...
          Dave smiles. Then his handsome wife JAMIE, 30's, blows into
          the bathroom in a suit and starts removing her makeup.

                         JAMIE
          What a day. Dr. Klein lost the
          twins immunization record, the
          wireless went down, and Cara got
          bullied in ballet class again.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          11.

                         CARA
          Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me
          over during the battement glisse.

                         DAVE
          Oh, I'm sorry, sugar-bug...
          Dave looks genuinely concerned. Cara just shrugs and keeps
          reading her butterfly book. Jamie whispers to him:

                         JAMIE
          We need to remind her to keep
          striving for verbal resolution.

                         DAVE
          Right, of course.
          Jamie finally notices Dave's foam-covered face, and softens.

                         JAMIE
          And how was your day, monster man?
          Before Dave can answer, the doorbell rings, DING-DONG! They
          exchange the weary smile of parents who never see each other.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          He's early.

                         DAVE
          Of course he's early. All he does
          all day is eat hummus and
          masturbate.

                         CUT TO:

          THE FRONT DOOR OPENING
          to reveal MITCH in shades, fedora, and a Dodgers jersey.
          Jamie, holding Cara, lets him in.

                         MITCH
          Whatup bitches!

                         JAMIE

                         (LAUGHING)
          Really?
          He takes Cara and playfully -- and incredibly recklessly --
          flips her in the air.

                         MITCH
          How's my favorite ballerina?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          12.

                         CARA
          I'm good! Are you coming to my
          recital on Thursday?!

                         MITCH
          Oh no, honey, the only style of
          dancing I support is exotic...
          He plunks her on the floor and blows into

          DAVE'S AMAZING KITCHEN
          replete with granite counter tops, built-in appliances, fresh
          flowers, and bowls teeming with fruit. Mitch beelines for the
          Subzero fridge and opens it: it's stocked. His eyes alight.

                         MITCH
          Jesus Christ you could feed Africa
          with this fridge...
          As Jamie starts prepping a salad across the kitchen, Mitch
          raids the fridge, packing his cargo pants with kid's snacks,
          bagels, yogurts, juice boxes, everything.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          These leftovers from Morton's?

                         JAMIE
          Oh no, hon, those are super old--
          Too late -- Mitch is already eating the very old steak.

                         MITCH
          Chimichurri. score.
          As Mitch chews, he eyes Jamie chopping vegetables.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          You look hot by the way, Jame.
          Jamie laughs but clearly doesn't mind the flirtation.

                         JAMIE
          Thanks... sort of...?

                         MITCH
          No really. I never would've guessed
          twins.

                         JAMIE
          Annnd that's probably enough--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          13.

                         MITCH
          Is Dave still meeting your needs
          sexually?
          Jamie just laughs, shaking her head, unbelievable.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Oh, did I tell you I ran into Miss
          Hickam last week at Starbucks?

                         JAMIE
          Our old kindergarten teacher?!

                         MITCH
          Yeah. She always liked Dave better
          than me...

                         JAMIE
          Honey, everyone likes Dave better
          than you.

                         MITCH
          Fair enough. Anyway, I tried to get
          her number, but she goes "I don't
          date former students," so I go,
          "great, do you fuck former
          students?" and then she calls me a
          "potty-mouth degenerate" and runs
          out without her coffee. So I got a
          free venti macchiato, which is cool-

          DAVE (O.S.)
          Bathed, changed and in their Pis.
          Mitch turns to see Dave in khakis and a buttondown, entering
          the kitchen with the freshly bathed twins. Mitch grins:

                         MITCH
          Awww! Come to Uncle Mitch...
          Dave hands the twins to Mitch, and they COO, impishly cute.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Oh my God, they smell like heaven
          had sex with a dryer sheet.
          (loudly to babies)

          HI! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?! WHICH ONE

          ARE YOU?!
          (they just GURGLE)
          Why can't they talk yet? Are they
          retarded or something?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          14.

                         JAMIE

                         (LAUGHING)
          What?! No! They're fine!

                         MITCH
          Really? The one on the left looks a
          little downsy.

                         (JAMIE GASPS)
          Kidding! Kidding.
          (aside, to Dave)
          A little bit though, right?
          Ignoring him, Dave fastens the twins into their Bouncy Seats.

                         DAVE
          I'll be back right after the game,
          okay, Pumpkin?

                         JAMIE
          Whenever. Have fun.

                         MITCH
          See you, Jame!

                         JAMIE
          Always a pleasure, Mitch.
          Mitch steals THREE PEARS and some TULIPS as he exits...

                          CUT TO:

          TWO BEERS POPPING OPEN
          on the bottle cap-opener mounted on Mitch's dashboard...

          INT. MITCH'S CAR -- EVENING

          Mitch offers Dave one of (his own) beers as they speed along
          in his Fiero. Dave is reluctant.

                         DAVE
          Yeah, I'm good.

                         MITCH
          Really? You're going to make me
          drink alone?

                         DAVE
          Yeah, well, you're driving, so...
          Mitch shrugs and slides the spare beer into his chest pocket.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          15.

                         MITCH
          Oh, dude: great news.

                         DAVE
          You found another futon?

                         MITCH
          That's awesome, because I'm made of
          emotional Teflon and words can't
          hurt me anymore. No: I auditioned
          for a major movie role yesterday.

                         DAVE
          Nice. What movie?

                         MITCH
          It's called Busted Dreams 4. It's
          about a renegade coroner who reads
          minds named Jake Action. It's like
          a sexy Mentalist.

                         DAVE
          Sounds cool.

                         MITCH
          Yeah, I read for the part of Steve
          Action, Jake's troubled younger
          brother with a secret, and I
          fucking killed it. I cried like
          five times during the audition and
          it's a fucking action movie. Plus
          I'm the spitting image of the dude
          who plays Jake Action, so...

                         DAVE
          I hope you get it, man.

                         MITCH
          Yeah, it could be my Raging Bull.
          Plus I'd get to kill a lot of
          women, which is cool.
          (offering him a joint)
          Hotbox?

                         DAVE
          No, man, I got a big day tomorrow,
          I can't get wasted tonight.

          SMASH CUT TO:

          TWO SHOT GLASSES SLAMMING DOWN
          Mitch and Dave, shit-faced, shake off their shots, B-R-R-R.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          16.

          INT. BIG WANGS SPORTS BAR -- NIGHT

          The guys sit in this crowded sports bar, watching the Dodgers
          game on a huge TV. When CLAYTON KERSHAW strikes out FRED
          LEWIS to win the game, the guys drunkenly slap five:

                         DAVE

                         MITCH

                         DAVE

                         MITCH
          Change-up -- fuck he's good!

                         DAVE
          He's no Fernando.

                         MITCH
          Of course not. Fernando is like The
          Highlander. There can be only one.

                         DAVE
          (toasting his beer)

          TO FERNANDO!

                         MITCH

          FER--FUCKING--NANDO!
          They sloppily drink -- when Dave suddenly remembers:

                         DAVE
          OH! So finish your story! The girl
          calls you up...?

                         MITCH
          Right! So she calls me up, it's
          like 3 in the morning--

                         DAVE
          What's her name?

                         MITCH
          Tatiana.

                         DAVE
          Incredible. What's her last name?
          Mitch just looks at him.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          17.

                         MITCH
          Tatiana Calls-Me-At-3-In-The-
          Morning-And-Wants-To-Fuck-stein,
          what the fuck, who cares?

                         DAVE
          Is she hot? She is, right? Oh my
          God I already have a boner!

                         MITCH

                         (DISTURBED)
          Maybe we should do this later...

                         DAVE
          NO! Keep going! I need these
          stories, man! They're all I have.
          Mitch registers the desperation in his married friend's eyes.

                         MITCH
          Okay, well, you're in luck, because
          Tatiana is stupid fucking hot.
          Beautiful face, legs a mile long,
          perfect ass, blonde hair, and
          huuuge boobs.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God how big?

                         MITCH
          Double E.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God she sounds like Sabrina.

                         MITCH
          Who's Sabrina?

                         DAVE
          This hot paralegal in my office.

                         MITCH
          Is she on your Cancer List?

                         DAVE
          What's a Cancer List?

                         MITCH
          Don't all married dudes have a
          Cancer List? No? Like the first
          three chicks you would bang if your
          wife suddenly died of cancer?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          18.

                         DAVE
          That's sick, man. Jamie is the
          mother of my children...

                         (DISGUSTED)
          But yes, if I had a Cancer List,
          Sabrina would be the first on it.

                         MITCH
          Who's number two? Fergie--?

                         DAVE
          Just finish your story, man! I'm
          dying over here!

                         MITCH
          Fine. So Tatiana's packing double
          E's, which means like 20 plus
          pounds of breastmeat -- yeah, it's
          almost too much for one man to
          handle. Thank God I'm the son of a
          butcher and have strong hands and
          wrists. Anyway, she walks in
          wearing this tight black dress, and
          you know what she says to me?
          Dave shakes his head, on the edge of his bar stool.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Nothing. Because all Tatiana wants
          to do at 3 in the morning is fucky
          fucky rubber ducky!
          Dave drunkenly slaps him ten, barely making hand-contact.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          And look, I'm not one to kiss and
          tell...
          (downing another shot)
          but this chick is insatiable. She
          wants it in every position:
          Missionary, wheelbarrow, Reverse
          Wheelbarrow, Assassin--

                         DAVE
          I don't even know what those are!

                         MITCH
          No one does! It gets so intense
          that my nose starts bleeding. Yeah,
          so I'm bleeding all over this chick
          and she's fucking digging it.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          19.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          It's like some weird Dracula Anne
          Rice shit, and I'm fading in and
          out of consciousness, and then,
          when it's all over, she turns to me
          and goes: "Tuesday night I'm coming
          back and we're really going to
          fuck."
          Dave just stares at him, glassy-eyed, drunk, emotional.

                         DAVE
          That is maybe the single greatest
          story I've ever heard in my life.

                         MITCH
          Ah, it's not always like that...

                         DAVE
          I don't know why...I don't know why
          I've always been in such a rush,
          you know?

                         MITCH

                         WHAT

                         (BURRRRP)
          do you mean?

                         DAVE
          You remember me in high school, I
          was always so focussed on getting
          into a good college, then when I
          got to college, I was so focussed
          on getting into a good law school,
          then in law school I was just
          trying to land a job at a good
          firm, then Jamie and I got married
          and we had Cara right away-- I just
          feel like and I missed out on all
          the fun stuff, you know? The sex,
          the drugs, the bad choices, and now
          it's too late. I blew it. I pissed
          away my 20's, and now I'm staring
          down the barrel a seriously boring
          life.

                         MITCH
          Oh come on, Jamie is hot!

                         DAVE
          No, I know--

                         MITCH
          I really want to have sex with her!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          20.

                         DAVE
          Wait, what?

                         MITCH
          And your kids are adorable! They're
          like fun little puppies that talk!
          The bill comes. Dave pulls out a wad of cash, throws it on
          the table, and stumbles for the door. Mitch lifts one of
          Dave's twenties off the table and follows him out...

          EXT. SPORTSBAR -- CONTINUOUS

          They stumble down the dark Hollywood street together...

                         DAVE
          Don't get me wrong, I love my kids,
          I do, I would take a bullet for
          them, but...remember that heroin
          addict you dated?

                         MITCH
          Tara? Or Rena? Or Rachel?

                         DAVE
          Jesus, how many heroin addicts have
          you dated?

                         MITCH
          It's a national scourge, dude.

                         DAVE
          Anyway. Having kids is like dating
          a heroin addict, only instead of
          dating them, they move into your
          house for 18 years. They're
          laughing one second and crying the
          next and then they're trying to
          kill themselves in your bathroom
          for no reason. They're mean and
          selfish and they burn through all
          your money and they steal your shit
          and they break everything and they
          stay up all night and they listen
          to really shitty music and the
          dirty secret is, no one actually
          likes kids.

                         MITCH
          Oh come on, you don't mean that--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          21.

                         DAVE
          No! It's true. Everyone pretends to
          like kids because if you don't you
          look like a huge dick. It's like
          Drew Barrymore or jazz. No one
          actually likes them, but if you say
          that out loud, everybody hates you.

                         MITCH
          Dude, I love Drew Barrymore -- have
          you seen Boys on the Side?
          They weave across a LARGE PLAZA, stumbling for Mitch's car.

                         DAVE
          I'm just saying: don't fuck up your
          life like I did, okay?

                         MITCH
          What are you talking about? You've
          got it all! You've got a huge house
          full of food and furniture -- shit,
          your TV is bigger than my car! You
          have a great job, you make a shit-
          ton of money, and people respect
          you, man! My last job involved an
          ape costume -- do you know what
          that does to a man?
          Dave waves him off, not really hearing him. But Mitch is
          sincere, heartfelt:

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Plus you've got a hot, extremely
          fuckable wife who cooks and cleans
          and takes care of all your needs!
          It's like having a really hot mom
          who you can also have sex with!

                         DAVE
          Wait, what--?

                         MITCH
          Also you're never lonely, you
          always have someone to talk to
          about your day, plus you get to do
          all the fun gay couple stuff like
          go to wine country! You think
          single guys can go to wine
          country?! No way! They won't even
          let us in! You're living the dream,
          dude! What more do you want?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          22.

                         DAVE
          Tatiana! I want Tatiana! I want sex
          with strange new women and maybe
          also with Sabrina if she's single
          and I want to wake up at noon and
          smoke weed all afternoon and I want
          to not think about the needs of
          four other people 24 hours a day
          and I want to start reading a novel
          and actually finish it and I want
          to take a solid shit because I'm
          not constantly stressed out and I
          want to learn how to rollerblade
          and also I really want to pee...

                         MITCH
          Yeah, me too...
          They look around the plaza, and their eyes land on the HUGE
          FOUNTAIN in the middle; a GREEK GODDESS sits atop it.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Fountain?

                         DAVE
          Bingo.
          They stumble over to the fountain, unzip their pants, and,
          leaning on each other, begin peeing into it. Mitch glances up
          at the GREEK GODDESS METIS. She scowls down at them.

                         MITCH
          This chick does not look happy.

                         DAVE
          Maybe she has three kids and a job
          she hates.

                         MITCH
          Dude, enough already.

                         DAVE
          I'm just saying...I envy your life.

                         MITCH
          And that's what's so fucked,
          because I envy yours.

                         DAVE
          Yeah you don't--

                         MITCH
          I do!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          23.

                         DAVE
          No, I do--!

                         MITCH DAVE
          I wish I had your life! I wish I had your life!
          They're about to say "jinx" when--

          BOOM!
          A thunder clap CRASHES and

          ALL OVER LOS ANGELES
          the electrical grid starts shutting down, neighborhood by
          neighborhood! Soon the entire city is PITCH BLACK...

          BACK IN THE DARKENED PLAZA
          Dave and Mitch freeze, terrified, hugging. . .and peeing...

                         MITCH
          Ummmmm...?
          Then all the lights in the city flicker back to life...

                         DAVE
          R-Rolling blackout?

                         MITCH
          I guess...?
          They continue peeing, a little freaked out.

                         DAVE
          You really have nice flow by the
          way. Very thick and confident.

                         MITCH
          Thank you. Yours is very steamy.

                         DAVE
          Thank you. My urologist says I run
          a little warm.
          Eventually they both finish, tuck in, and zip up. Beat.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          You good to drive?

                         MITCH
          Now I am.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          24.
          As they stumble off towards Mitch's Fiero, HOLD ON the statue
          of Metis, the shape-shifting Greek Goddess of Wisdom...
          It almost looks like she's smiling...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM -- MORNING

          It's a beautiful sunny Los Angeles morning. The silhouette of
          a body lies in Dave's bed, SNORING away. Then we hear

          THE TWINS CRYING
          followed by what is unequivocally Mitch's patter -- and his

                         FAMILY-FRIENDLY LANGUAGE:

                         MITCH
          Whose fucking baby is that...?
          A hand emerges and fumbles on the night stand.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          And where the fuck is my bong?
          He groggily rises from the sheets -- only it's not Mitch.
          It's Dave. His body, his face, everything.
          Yup, you got it: the single auy and the married guy have
          switched bodies. We will refer to them by their "brain
          names," thus while this hungover dude definitely looks like
          Dave, inside he's Mitch, so that's what we'll call him. The
          actors, of course, will remain in their bodies.
          Mitch doesn't know any of this yet.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Why are there so many fucking
          pillows...?
          He rolls over to see Jamie, sitting up in bed, pulling her
          breasts out of her tank top, getting ready to nurse the
          twins. Mitch launches out of bed, suddenly very awake.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)

          WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK, JAME?!
          She starts breast-feeding the babies, confused.

                         JAMIE
          What? What's your problem?
          Mitch shields his eyes with his hands, shocked and disgusted.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          25.

                         MITCH
          Oh my god that is so gross! Put
          your tits away! This isn't Europe!

                         JAMIE
          What are you talking about?
          Mitch finally notices he's in DAVE'S BEDROOM...

                         MITCH
          Wait: why am I in...? Did I sleep
          here last night?!

                         JAMIE
          Um, yeah?

                         MITCH
          Did we...?!
          Panicked, he thrusts his fist like, have sex?!

                         JAMIE
          Are you insane?

                         MITCH
          So why the hell did I wake up in
          your bed?!

                         JAMIE
          Are you still drunk?

                         MITCH
          Look, just, where's Dave?!

                         JAMIE
          What?

                         MITCH
          Where's fucking Dave?!

                         JAMIE
          Dave is right here! You're Dave!
          He turns and sees himself in the mirror. Freezes. He is Dave.

                         MITCH
          Oh my God... Oh my God...
          He slowly touches his new face...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          26.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I'm a fucking tool.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- MORNING

          A body lies sprawled on Mitch's futon, out cold. INSANE
          POUNDING on the door shatters the silence.

          MITCH (O.S.)

          OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR IMMEDIATELY!
          The body sits up, groggy and confused -- it is, of course,
          Dave in Mitch's body. While he looks like Mitch, he moves,
          talks, and even shuffles to the door exactly like Dave...

                         DAVE
          Mitch...?

          MITCH (O.S.)
          Fucking open the fucking door!
          Dave stops, noticing that he's in Mitch's empty apartment.

                         DAVE
          Why am I in your sad apartment--

          MITCH (O.S.)
          The door, dude! Open the door!

                         DAVE
          Fine, Jesus, relax--
          Dave opens the door to see himself standing there.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          What the fuck is this...?
          Dave backpedals, terrified, as Mitch blows inside, furious.

                         MITCH
          I knew it!

                         DAVE

                         (FREAKING OUT)
          Who the hell are you?! And why do
          you look like me?!
          Mitch angles Dave over to the mirror on the otherwise barren
          wall-and Dave sees he's in Mitch's body... Stunned, he
          slowly touches his new face... his new hair. . .his new body...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          27.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Oh my God...

                         MITCH
          I know, dude.

                         DAVE
          I'm a fucking loser...

                         MITCH
          Wait, what?
          Dave spins, completely awake now:

                         DAVE
          How the fuck did this happen?!

                         MITCH
          How should I know?! Has this ever
          happened to you before?!

                         DAVE
          What, switching bodies with another
          human being?! Oh yeah, this shit
          happens to me like twice a week!

                         MITCH
          Well...I don't want to be you!

                         DAVE
          Oh, you don't want to be me?! No,
          no, no: I don't want to be you!

                         MITCH
          What's that supposed to mean?!

                         DAVE
          Look, let's just.. .think. How could
          this have possibly happened...?
          They pace about the apartment, trying to think... Then:

                          MITCH
           Bingo. Got it. We're dreaming.
          Dave grabs Mitch's nipple and twists it hard.

                          MITCH (CONT'D)
          Ow ow ow, fuck!

                         DAVE
          Not dreaming.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          28.

                         MITCH
          First of all, you're a penis.
          Second of all--

                         DAVE
          Wait, what'd you just say?

                         MITCH
          I called you a penis and--

                         DAVE
          (running out the door)
          Come on!

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- MORNING

          Dave speeds through morning traffic in his Audi station
          wagon, leaning on the HORN. Mitch sits shotgun, confused.

                         DAVE
          Remember last night when we peed
          into that fountain?! As we peed, we
          wished we had each other's lives!

                         MITCH

                         (REMEMBERING)
          Oh fuck.

                         DAVE
          Our wishes must've... somehow... come
          true.

                         MITCH
          I thought wishes came true when you
          threw a coin into a fountain...

                         DAVE
          Well apparently urine works too.

                         MITCH
          That's bullshit! I would've wished
          for something way cooler!

          EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD -- MORNING

          Unable to find a parking spot, Mitch and Dave double-park on
          Hollywood Boulevard, hop out, and sprint for the plaza...

                         MITCH
          What are we gonna do when we get to
          the fountain?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          29.

                         DAVE
          We're gonna hug each other and pee
          into the fountain and wish our
          lives back!

                         MITCH
          That might sound really gay!
          Both men race around the corner onto the plaza and stop cold:

          THE FOUNTAIN IS GONE
          A DEPARTMENT OF PARKS CREW is cleaning up the site where it
          once sat. Mitch and Dave are blown away.

                         DAVE

          YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
          They hurry up to the crew FOREMAN.

                         MITCH
          Excuse me! Where is the fountain?!

                         FOREMAN
          It's getting restored.

                         DAVE
          Where did you take it?!

                         FOREMAN
          I don't know, chief, I'm not the
          fountain spokesman, I'm just the
          guy that fills the fucking hole.

                         DAVE
          Who could tell us where it is?!

                         FOREMAN
          Maybe the district manager?

                         CUT TO:

          A DESK PLACARD READING "DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON"
          District Manager CARLA NELSON sits behind her desk in her
          bland office, her face the model of bureaucratic ennui.

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          It's not in the computer.
          Opposite her, Dave and Mitch pull their hair out, insane.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          30.

                         MITCH
          Well of course it's not--!

                         DAVE
          When will it be in the computer?!

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          You could try calling tomorrow.

                         DAVE
          Tomorrow?! We can't wait until
          tomorrow, Carla!

                         MITCH
          How can you lose a fountain?.

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          (beat, deadpan)
          It's not in the computer.
          Mitch LUNGES for Carla, but Dave grabs him and wrestles him
          out of the office.

                         MITCH

          YOU ARE EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG

          WITH THE WORLD--!

                         DAVE
          We'll call you tomorrow! Thank you!

          EXT. DEPARTMENT OF PARKS BUILDING -- DAY

          Dave and Mitch exit the Department of Parks building and pace
          on the sunny sidewalk, their hands on their heads, stunned.

                         MITCH
          This is so fucked...

                         DAVE
          We should just go home and lock the

                         DOORS AND--
          Mitch's phone rings in Dave's pocket. Dave hesitates, then
          answers it, fruitlessly trying to sound like Mitch:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          This is fucking Mitch?

                         MITCH
          I don't talk like that, dude--

                         DAVE
          Okay ...Okay...Great...Thank you.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          31.
          Dave clicks off.

                         MITCH
          Who was that?

                         DAVE
          Marty Green, the producer of Busted
          Dreams 4. Apparently the guy they
          cast for Steve Action OD'd last
          night, and the back-up actor got
          deported, so, alphabetically,
          you're the next actor on the list.
          You got the part, man.
          Mitch covers his mouth like he just won American Idol.

                         MITCH
          Oh my God! Oh my God! Dreams really
          do come true--!

                         (REALIZING)
          Wait, no, this sucks! I'm stuck in
          your fat dad-body! I can't play
          Steve Action looking like this!

                         DAVE
          (remembering, stunned)
          Oh my God: and I've got my closing
          today.

                         MITCH
          What, is that like a big deal?

                         DAVE
          A big--?! Yeah! Whether or not I
          make partner is riding on this!

                         MITCH
          So what the hell are we gonna do?
          PANICKED SILENCE. Then Mitch looks at Dave...

                         DAVE
          No. No. We can't just be each other
          for a day, Mitch! You have no idea
          how to be a lawyer!

                         MITCH
          Dude, I'm an actor, a human
          chameleon, I can do lawyer in my
          fucking sleep! It's you I'm worried
          about: you can't act for shit!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          32.

                         DAVE
          First of all, it's Busted Dreams 4,
          okay? It's not The Reader. Second
          of all, I'm a WASP, I've spent my
          entire life acting happy and no one
          has ever questioned my performance,
          okay?!
          They look at each other, cooling off a bit...

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Are...Are we actually considering
          doing this...?

                         MITCH
          I mean, we have to...right?
          Both men look highly anxious. Dave glances at the time.

                         DAVE
          All right, well, my meeting starts
          in 45 minutes. You need to race
          home, get dressed, then go to my
          office and find my secretary Gladys-

                         MITCH
          She sounds hot, is she hot?

                         DAVE
          No. Get the merger docs from Gladys
          and take them to the conference
          room. All the partners will be
          there so do not speak to anyone.

                         MITCH
          Really? Because I can vamp--

                         DAVE
          NO! No vamping! And once the
          meeting starts, you will continue
          to say nothing. When a partner asks
          you for the merger documents, you
          will silently hand them over, okay?

                         MITCH
          Dude, I get it. Play it big, but
          maintain my reality--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          33.

                         DAVE
          No! Play it small. Really small.
          I've spent the last nine months
          banging out the terms of this deal,
          all you have to do is hand over the
          documents. That's it.

                         MITCH
          Dude, that's easy as fuck. Okay,
          for me, go home, put on some cool
          clothes, and get to set -- all the
          info is on my phone. Once you're
          there, go to Hair & Makeup and
          memorize your lines and try not to
          be a total douche to everyone,
          okay? This is the film industry.
          Everyone is really cool.
          They look at each other, very doubtful that this will work...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I'm trusting you, dude...

                         DAVE
          I'm trusting you, too...

                         MITCH
          Power hug.
          They hug tight then release.

                         DAVE
          Oh hey, you also need to pick up
          Cara from ballet at 4, okay?

                         MITCH
          (heads for the car)
          I'm so fucking all over that shit.
          Off of Dave's deeply unsettled look, we

                         CUT TO:

          INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING

          Mitch blows into Dave's stodgy law firm looking like a lawyer
          -- from a Ralph Lauren ad: he sports a pink buttondown, red
          suspenders, a blue crested blazer, khakis, no socks, black
          and white wingtips, and slicked-back hair.
          He also affects a preposterous patrician accent like John
          Kerry or any white guy on a black sitcom.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          34.

                         MITCH

          GOOD MORNING, ONE AND ALL! WHAT A

          FABULOUS DAY TO BE A CORPORATE

          ATTORNEY!
          His co-workers look at him like he's fucking nuts. Falling
          into step with him is Gladys, his mean old secretary.

                         GLADYS
          What in God's name are you wearing?

                         MITCH
          Holy dick, are you Gladys? You're a
          lynx.

                         GLADYS
          W-What is a lynx?

                         MITCH
          A white-haired cougar. You really
          should dress sexier, though. The
          whole angry prison nurse thing is a
          huge mistake.
          Gladys GASPS and jams some documents into his hands.

                         GLADYS
          Here are your merger documents!
          Good day to you!
          She storms off. Mitch calls after her:

                         MITCH
          Hey, where's my meeting at?
          She angrily points at a conference room as she stalks off.

          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

          The conference room is full of EXECUTIVES from KINKABE
          TECHNOLOGIES and AMALGAMATED INDUSTRIES, as well as several
          well-heeled LAWYERS. They chat amiably until

                         MITCH ENTERS
          in his ridiculous outfit. The room goes silent, but Mitch's
          confidence remains sky-high:

                         MITCH
          What up, white people?! Republican
          Party in the house, am I right?!
          Come on, let's get started!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          35.
          Everyone looks a bit confused by this Nobody telling them
          what to do, but nonetheless, they begin taking their seats.
          Mitch goes around, introducing himself.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Dave Lockwood, thanks for coming!
          Dave Lockwood, I did all the work!
          Dave Lockwood-san, konichi-wa!
          (to the room)
          Anyone need anything? Mimosa, spicy
          tuna roll? No? We're good? All
          right, guys, take it away!
          Mitch takes one of the last open seats -- at the head of the
          conference table. It's clearly in his boss's seat. Flemming
          Steel III hovers awkwardly.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Yes, well, thank you, Dave...?
          (clearing his throat)
          We are gathered here today to
          codify the marriage of two bold
          industry leaders, Kinkabe
          Technologies and Amalgamated
          Industries.
          Mitch starts APPLAUDING. Others.. .hesitantly. . . join in.

                         MITCH
          Fuck yeah! Amalgamated Industries!
          Finally, even Flemming claps as well, uncomfortable.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          B-Before we sign on the proverbial
          bottom line, are there any
          outstanding questions or concerns
          that we might address? Ask now or
          forever hold your peace...
          Pleasant CHUCKLES in the room. Then the Japanese-American CEO
          of Kinkabe Technologies, KEN KINKABE, 60's, raises his hand.

          CEO KEN KINKABE
          We just wanted to make sure that

                         THE DEBT-TO-PROJECTED-AMORTIZATION
          ratios haven't changed given the
          recent market fluctuations.
          Everyone turns to Mitch. Who's not listening. He's drawing
          pictures of boobs on a yellow legal pad.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          36.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Dave?
          Mitch looks up, sees everyone looking at him.

                         MITCH
          Right, my bad--
          Thinking that's his cue, he slides Flemming the documents.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          No, Dave. Mr. Kinkabe had a
          question about the DPA ratios.
          Deer in headlights.

                         MITCH
          Okay?

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Well? How are they?

                         MITCH
          G-Good?

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Good?

                         MITCH
          Bad? Bad! They're fucking terrible.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Dave!

                         MITCH
          Look, everything's cool, let's just
          sign this fucking thing and go
          party! We're all rich, who cares?!
          Mr. Kinkabe angrily jabs his finger at the incredibly short
          CEO of Amalgamated Industries, TED NORTON, 60's.

          CEO KEN KINKABE
          I knew it! You were never serious
          about this merger!

          CEO TED NORTON
          Spare me, Ken, you were just trying
          to inflate your share price!

          CEO KEN KINKABE
          This merger is over! I will see you
          in court!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          37.

          CEO TED NORTON
          Not if we see you first, you prick!
          The execs furiously race out of the conference room, all of
          them reaching for their cell phones. War has been declared.
          The lawyers hurry after the clients, fruitlessly trying to
          coax them back to the table.
          Mitch frowns, oo, and tiptoes for the exit.. .until Flemming
          Steel III grabs his arm, furious.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Right now you need to give me one
          reason not to fire you.
          Mitch stammers, oh shit.

                         MITCH
          Relax, dude ... this-this is all
          part of my master plan.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          It is.

                         MITCH
          Yes! Check it out: if we drag this
          out...we make more money, right?
          Don't we? Of course we do! And then
          we can bill the fuck out of them!
          Some of them don't even speak-ah
          the engrish so goo, you know what
          I'm saying?

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          That's your plan.

                         MITCH
          Yes...? Is it...? It's not a very
          good plan, is it.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Son, what you've just said to me is
          highly illegal. You could go to
          jail for a very long time just for
          suggesting it...

                         MITCH

                         (SWEATING)
          We're lawyers! We're above the law!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          38.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          I must say, I've never seen this
          side of you before, Lockwood. I
          always thought you were on the
          straight and narrow...

                         MITCH
          Fuck that, ese. I'm straight up
          gangster all the way through.
          Flemming eyes him, determining his fate. Mitch can't breathe.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Fine, I'll roll the dice with you
          But if word of this gets out, I
          will throw you under the bus so
          darn fast you won't know what hit
          you. Now go put on some proper
          clothes. You look like Joe Pesci.
          Flemming Steel III hurries off. Mitch exhales, holy shit...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. VAN NUYS -- RANCH HOUSE -- DAY

          Dave nervously pulls up to a RANCH HOUSE in the Fiero,
          reading the address off his iPhone. Several crew trucks are
          parked out front, and PA's with headsets loiter about.
          Dave gets out wearing an ironed buttondown shirt tucked into
          khakis. He self-consciously untucks half his shirt, trying to
          look "cooler," as he approaches a nearby P.A.

                         DAVE
          Yo, Mitch Planko is here. Where the
          fuck is Hair & Makeup?

          P.A.

                         (POINTING)
          Um, trailer 3.. ?

                         DAVE
          That's so real.
          Dave stiffly walks off as the P.A. eyes him, weirded out.

          INT. HAIR & MAKEUP TRAILER -- DAY

          Dave, now in leather pants, the top four buttons of his shirt
          undone, sits in the makeup chair, getting his hair styled. He
          studies the script, confused. Then a P.A. hurries in.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          39.

          P.A.
          I'm here to take you to set. Is
          there anything I can get you?
          Vitamin water, Pelegrino?

                         DAVE
          No thanks. Hey, what does it mean
          when it says T.S., or B.T.S.?

          P.A.
          Titty Shot and Bouncing Titty Shot.

                         (TO HEADSET)
          Steve Action is coming to set.
          Dave, alarmed, follows the P.A. out and

          THROUGH THE LOW BUDGET SET
          They've taken over this valley ranch house; cables, lights
          and sound equipment run everywhere.

                         DAVE
          Wait! W-what kind of movie is
          this?!

          P.A.
          It's a lorno.

                         DAVE
          I-I'm not familiar with that genre.

          P.A.
          Lorno? Light porno? Tits & shadows?
          You ever hear of Skinemax?

                         DAVE
          Oh no.
          They arrive in

          AN ORNATE BEDROOM
          bedecked with cameras, grip equipment -- and thousands of lit
          candles. The P.A. unbuttons Dave's shirt even further and
          starts smearing his chest and face with Crisco oil.
          Just then, the fat balding director, VALTAN -- just Valtan --
          from some ethnically cleansed Balkan state, 50's, blows in.

                         VALTAN
          More oil! Make him shiny like fish!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          40.

                         DAVE
          Excuse me, are you in charge here?
          I think there's been some sort of

                         MISTAKE--

                         VALTAN
          Mona! Where Mona?!
          And then MONA -- aging actress with fake boobs -- teeters in
          wearing a flimsy nightgown and six inch heels.

                         MONA
          I'm here!

                         VALTAN
          Okay guys, here scene: Mitch, you
          enter with gun -- where gun?!
          A P.A. runs in with a huge MACHINE GUN WITH ROCKET LAUNCHER
          ATTACHMENT and gives it to Dave, who takes it limply...

                         VALTAN (CONT'D)
          Guard try to stop you, line-line-
          line, knock him the fuck out, you
          see Mona asleep in bed, you wake
          her up and start fuck time, okay?
          Dave stammers, his head spinning.

                         MONA
          What's my motivation?

                         VALTAN
          Your motivation? Your motivation is
          show big tit to business traveler
          in hotel room too scared to order
          real porno, okay?
          (blocking the scene)
          Okay, here shot list: start makeout
          here, nightgown fall, close-up of
          titty, candles burning, bouncing
          titty close-up, moaning, fake sex-
          in-mouth obscured by hair, more
          candle, fake backdoor sex obscured
          by blowing curtain, more candle,
          her buttock, his buttock, wind blow
          out candle and finito, okay?

                         MONA
          It's like a poem.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          41.

                         VALTAN
          I know, baby, I crush this shit big
          time. Let's lock it up!

          P. A.
          Locking it up!
          As the crew bustle about, Mona turns to a shell-shocked Dave.

                         MONA
          You wanna bump?
          Mona snorts a fingernail of coke into her nose.

                         DAVE
          A bump--? Of drugs?

                         MONA
          You're cute. But if you try to
          actually fuck me I'll set your dick
          on fire with one of these fucking
          candles, y'understand me?

                         DAVE
          Is this actually happening?

                         MONA
          Pound away on my upper thigh all
          you want, that's what it's there
          for, okay? And no, you can't pay me
          to give you a real BJ, I don't do
          that shit anymore.
          Dave's mouth opens, but nothing comes out. A P.A. guides him
          out of the room. He's still in a trance...

                         VALTAN

                         ANNNND ACTION:
          Dave stands there, frozen. Behind the camera, Valtan
          gestures, go! Dave stumbles into the bedroom, holding the
          huge machine gun like, well, like a corporate lawyer.
          A BLOW-DRIED GOON appears with a gun.

                         BLOW-DRIED GOON
          No entry!
          Dave looks around at the bright lights, the camera, the crew
          watching him -- and he freezes up. The goon tries again:

                         BLOWDRIED GOON
          I said: No entry!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          42.
          Then Dave sees a P.A. waving at him, holding up a huge board
          with his lines written on them. Shielding his eyes from the
          lights, Dave reads his lines, monotone:

                         DAVE
          If you let me don't in...don't let
          me in...If you don't let me in,
          Paco, I will fuck you dead. That
          doesn't sound right. If you don't
          let me Taco-- is his name Paco or
          Taco? Your penmanship is illegible--

                         VALTAN
          Fuck it, we fix in post! Just knock
          out guard, wake up girl, and make
          fuck time! Keep rolling!

          P.A.
          Still rolling!
          Dave very effeminately "karate chops" the goon in the neck
          once, and the guy dramatically throws himself against the
          wall and drops, unconscious. Then Dave crosses and pretends
          to suddenly see Mona in the bed. His acting is atrocious.

                         DAVE
          Oh my goodness it is Lola my long
          lost lover Lola who...I love. Her.

                         VALTAN
          More sexy! Too stiff! Annnd Mona
          wake up, surprised!
          Mona, not much of a better actor than Dave, wakes up -- and
          SCREAMS deafeningly, like some 1950's horror queen.

                         DAVE

                         (COVERING EARS)

                         HOLY SHIT--

                         MONA
          Steve Action?! You perfect bastard!

                         VALTAN
          And now kiss her like savage!
          Dave, totally grossed out by her, very reluctantly leans in
          for the kiss. Just before their lips meet, he pulls away.

                         DAVE
          I'm sorry! I can't!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          43.

                         VALTAN

          CUT! CUT.

                         (BEYOND PISSED)
          What the fuck, man?! She ready for
          first class trip to fuck town!

                         DAVE
          Look, I can't, I'm married.

                         VALTAN
          No no no, Steve Action throw wife
          off cliff in last scene.

                         DAVE
          No, I mean, me, in real life. I'm
          married.

                         VALTAN
          So am I! Mona my wife! Yeah, how
          stupid is that shit, man?! Now go
          fake-fuck my wife before owners of
          house come back from ski vacation
          to find film crew in master
          bedroom!
          Dave just stands there, hopelessly out of place...

          MATCH CUT TO:

          MITCH LOOKING EQUALLY OUT OF PLACE
          standing in the back of an auditorium as on stage, two dozen
          5 year old GIRLS in tutus prance about, rehearsing a ballet.
          The teacher, MRS. KLEINMAN, fruitlessly tries to direct them.
          CAMERA FINDS CARA onstage, twirling around -- until a bigger
          girl, NICOLETTE PETERS, knocks her over. Mrs. Kleinman turns
          to see Cara splayed out on the ground, trying not to cry.

                         BALLET TEACHER
          Oh Cara, do try to stay on your
          toes! Let's start again...
          In the audience, Mitch straightens: what was that...?

          INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY

          Mitch drives Cara home from ballet. She sits shotgun in her
          tutu, looking small and sad.

                         CARA
          Shouldn't I be sitting in my
          carseat?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          44.

                         MITCH
          Whatever, you're fine -- hey,
          what's up with that little blonde
          bitch who knocked you over?
          She looks a little surprised by her dad's language.

                         CARA
          That's Nicolette Peters. She does
          that a lot, actually...

                         MITCH
          So why don't you fight back?

                         CARA
          Um, because you told me not to? You
          said I should strive for verbal
          resolution.

                         MITCH
          Fuck verbal resolution! Put that
          whore on her back and shank her! Do
          you know how to make a shiv?

                         CARA
          What?
          Mitch lights a cigarette with the car lighter.

                         MITCH
          Listen to me, kid: the world is a
          cesspool of cruelty and violence.
          If someone comes at you with a
          knife, you gotta put their entire
          fucking family in the morgue, okay?
          That's called jailyard justice.
          Because if you don't come back hard
          on a bitch, your ass is gonna get
          sold for a pack of Camel Lights and
          a jello cup, y'understand? Always
          solve your problems with violence.
          Always.
          Cara nods, alarmed.

                         CARA
          O-Okay Daddy...?

                         CUT TO:

          DAVE LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA
          He's sitting at a booth in a bar, highly traumatized.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          45.

                         DAVE
          I dry-humped a stranger's leg for
          three hours today...
          Sitting opposite him, Mitch downs a shot, exhausted.

                         MITCH
          Cry me a river, dude: I dealt with
          ballet and your ass-hat boss today.

                         DAVE
          Oh no -- what happened at work?

                         MITCH
          Nothing! Nothing.
          (off Dave's look)
          I fixed it.
          (off Dave's look)
          Okay, but look, it was not my
          fault! The Japs started peppering
          me with questions and I had to
          improvise and then everyone got
          very emotional and, well... it looks
          like we're going to court.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God tell me you're kidding.

                         MITCH
          Yeah, your boss was pretty miffed,
          but then I told him this was all
          part of my master plan to make more
          money off our clients--

                         DAVE
          What. 1

                         MITCH
          Yeah, turns out that's totally
          illegal, but the old man was
          surprisingly cool about it.
          Dave sits there, speechless. Mitch eats wings.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Hey, your secretary is sort of hot
          in like a Dame Judi Dench-playing-a-
          Nazi kind of way. Is she on the
          fuck team?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          46.

                         DAVE

                         (WEAK)
          I. .I just want to go home...

                         CUT TO:

          DAVE AND MITCH DRIVING IN MITCH'S CAR
          as the sun sets. The windows are open and the wind is in
          their hair. They're very much not talking to each other...

          EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- EVENING

          Dave and Mitch head up Dave's front walk, solemn...

                         MITCH
          What are you gonna tell Jamie?

                         DAVE
          The truth.

                         MITCH
          Can I highly recommend against
          that?

          INT. MITCH'S HOUSE -- EVENING

          Mitch and Dave enter to find Cara running down the stairs in
          her Dora the Explorer pajamas. Dave smiles and opens his
          arms, tired and overjoyed to see her...

                         DAVE
          Hey, sugar-bug.
          .but she passes right by him and hugs Mitch.

                         CARA
          Hi Daddy!
          Dave stammers, stung. Mitch hugs her, acting stiff like Dave.

                         MITCH
          Well hello, my precocious daughter!

                         DAVE
          Okay, I don't sound like that--
          Just then Jamie hurries past, the twins in her arms, and
          kisses Mitch on the lips. Both men startle a bit.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          47.

                         JAMIE
          Hey.

                         (TO DAVE)
          Hi Mitch.

                         DAVE
          This is so weird.

                         MITCH
          No shit.

                         JAMIE
          You staying for dinner?
          Silence. Then Mitch nudges Dave.

                         DAVE
          Right -- no, thank you. I'm-- Look,
          Jamie, we really need to talk.

                         JAMIE
          Okay, but make it quick, I've got
          to put the twins to bed.

                         DAVE
          I. .um...I'm not Mitch.

                         MITCH
          I'm Mitch. Somehow.. .we switched
          bodies last night. He's Dave.
          Jamie looks back and forth between them, expressionless.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          You see, what happened was, we peed
          into a magic fountain--

                         DAVE
          Then the city moved the fountain--

                         MITCH
          But as soon as they find it, we're
          going to switch back.

                         JAMIE
          Great! Sounds like a plan.

                         MITCH
          Are you kidding? Is she kidding?
          Clearly yes. Jamie heads for the stairs when Dave stops her.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          48.

                         DAVE
          Baby, please don't--

                         JAMIE
          Okay, Mitch, first of all, don't
          call me baby, it's creepy. Second
          of all... what the hell are you
          talking about?.

                         DAVE
          Look, I can prove it's true! Just,
          I don't know, just ask me anything
          that only I -- that only Dave --
          would know. Anything.

                         JAMIE
          When's our wedding anniversary?
          Dave freezes, oh shit.

                         DAVE
          Spring?

                         JAMIE
          Spring?

                         MITCH
          Dude, it's March 24th, even I know
          that.

                         DAVE
          Why do you know that?

                         MITCH
          So that I can send you a thoughtful
          card -- what kind of monster are
          you?

                         DAVE
          Look, just ask me anything else.

                         JAMIE
          I really don't have time to--

                         MITCH
          Jamie, please.

                         JAMIE
          What's my favorite color?

                         DAVE
          You have a favorite color?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          49.

                         MITCH
          Mauve.

                         DAVE
          Dude: do you not understand what
          we're trying to accomplish here?!

                         MITCH
          I'm just saying, look at all the
          accents in this room -- she loves
          mauve.

                         DAVE
          Baby -- Jamie -- ask me anything
          else, something more personal...

                         JAMIE
          Fine, what did we talk about two
          nights ago...? I was crying...?

                         DAVE
          (taking a stab in the dark)
          Yourrrrr mother maybe?

                         JAMIE
          That's great, Mitch. Thanks a big
          bunch. Come on, honey.
          Jamie steams upstairs, pissed, with Cara in tow. Dave runs
          his hands through his hair, fuck! Mitch looks appalled:

                         MITCH
          Dude, you are like the worst
          husband ever.

                         DAVE
          I have a lot on my plate right now,
          man! You have no idea!

                         MITCH
          Okay, look, calm down: I can hold
          down the fort for one night.

                         DAVE
          Are you joking? You worked at my
          job for one day and you almost got
          arrested! What are you gonna do to
          my family?!

                         MITCH
          Dude, the kids are already going to
          bed.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          50.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I think I can handle watching Two
          And A Half fucking Men and falling
          asleep on the couch with the best
          of 'em. The only roadblock I
          foresee is: what do I tell Jamie?

                         DAVE
          What do you tell Jamie.. .when?

                         MITCH
          When she wants to have sex tonight.

                         DAVE
          But it's Tuesday.

                         MITCH
          I don't understand. You don't have
          sex on Tuesdays?
          A beat. Then Dave starts LAUGHING. It builds. Dave hasn't
          laughed this hard in a long time. He pats Mitch's cheek.

                         DAVE
          That's adorable.
          Dave turns and exits the house, still LAUGHING...

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          You know what, give it a shot.

                         MITCH
          Really?! You want me to bang your
          wife??

                         DAVE
          Sure, have at it! Let me know how
          it goes...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

          Dave parks Mitch's Fiero on this shady Silver Lake street,
          glancing at the HOMELESS GUY stumbling by, a bit scared.

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

          Dave enters Mitch's apartment and flips on the bright
          overhead light. The white walls are empty. A futon, TV, and
          four crates of bird seed are all that occupy the living room.

                         DAVE
          Jesus, it's like a Swedish asylum--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          51.
          And then Mitch's iPhone RINGS. Dave hesitates, then answers:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Mitch Planko, who the fuck is this?
          A sexy woman's voice purrs:

          SEXY WOMAN (O.S.)
          Hiii Mitch, it's Tatiana...
          Dave straightens, oh shit!

                         DAVE
          Tatiana?! Hi! How, um, how are you?

          TATIANA (O.S.)
          I'll be better in a few minutes
          after I fuck you raw.
          CLICK. She hangs up. Dave freezes, wide-eyed.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God. Oh my God.
          He quickly dials a number.

          INTERCUT WITH MITCH
          Sitting on the plush couch with Jamie, eating takeout sushi
          and watching Two and a Half Men on the huge plasma TV.
          The phone rings. Mitch sees the caller ID, then answers it.

                         MITCH
          Hey dude, I take back everything I
          said about Two and a Half Men. This
          is some edgy shit--

                         DAVE
          Tatiana is on her way over!

                         MITCH
          Nice.

                         DAVE
          What do you think I should do?!

                         MITCH
          I think you should fuck her, that's
          what I think you should do.
          Jamie looks over at Mitch, weirded out; he gets up and
          crosses into the hallway for some privacy.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          52.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Don't blow this for me, dude, she's
          my Tuesday night regular.

                         DAVE
          But wouldn't I be...sort of...
          cheating on Jamie? Maybe?

                         MITCH
          No! Cheating is when any part of
          your penis touches any part of
          another woman who is not your wife,
          and last I checked, your wang is
          safely tucked away in my incredibly
          lame triple-pleated sport slacks.

                         DAVE
          But my mind is over here, doesn't
          that count... somehow?

                         MITCH
          Dude, how many women have you
          fucked in your mind? Thousands?

                         DAVE
          Millions.

                         MITCH
          Right, and that's not cheating,
          right?

                         DAVE
          Your reasoning is oddly impeccable.

                         MITCH
          I think you're on firm legal ground
          here, amigo. I say jump that ass.

                         DAVE
          Jesus ...I haven't had sex with
          another woman since college...

                         MITCH
          Well, it still works the same, but
          this chick is a lot to handle so
          pace yourself, okay? She's hornier
          than a priest at summer camp.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God so am I--.
          There's a KNOCK at the apartment door. Dave jumps, freaked:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          53.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Holy shit she's already here! What
          do I do?!

                         MITCH
          You'll do fine. Just wear a condom,
          okay? Don't give me AIDS--
          Just then WHAM -- the door flies open and a very sexy blonde
          enters the apartment wearing a long trenchcoat and five inch
          stiletto heels. She moves towards Dave like a panther.

                         DAVE
          (freezing, breathless)
          Tatiana...

                         TATIANA
          Are you ready to ride?

                         DAVE
          I-I honestly don't know...
          She throws off her trenchcoat to reveal she's not wearing
          anything underneath. Awesome.
          Less awesome is the fact that she's NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.
          Massive breasts sit atop a huge, distended, veiny, protruding
          stomach. Dave recoils.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)

          DAAAH!

                         TATIANA
          Why the fuck are you still wearing
          clothes?
          As she advances towards him, Dave climbs up the futon.

                         DAVE
          But you're--?! When are you due?!

                         TATIANA
          Any minute now, so let's get our
          fuck on before this becomes a
          threesome.

                         DAVE
          Oh god gross! Wait, who's the
          father? Am I the father?!

                         TATIANA
          No...but you are my daddy...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          54.
          She smiles coyly and slides on top of him.

                         DAVE
          Holy shit you're so heavy--

                         TATIANA
          My tits are aching for you.

                         DAVE
          Actually that's probably just the
          colostrum coming in, it can be very

                         PAINFUL--
          Tatiana finally stops with the femme fatale routine.

                         TATIANA
          Okay: what's your deal tonight?

                         DAVE
          Nothing! Nothing. I just--

                         TATIANA
          Is it my new haircut?

                         DAVE
          No...?

                         TATIANA
          The trenchcoat? Too cliche?

                         DAVE
          No! I love the coat.

                         TATIANA
          Is it, I don't know, the pregnancy?

                         DAVE
          Well...now that you mention it?
          Maybe, like, a little?

                         TATIANA
          What the hell?! You picked me up at
          a Single Mothers Lamaze class! What
          did you expect?!

                         DAVE

                         (HORRIFIED)
          I did?! That's terrible! Who would
          do something like that?!
          Tatiana angrily crosses the room and -- with considerable
          effort -- bends over and picks up her trenchcoat.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          55.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Look, Tatiana, I'm sorry. You're
          incredibly beautiful, it's just--

                         TATIANA
          (turning, fully naked)
          What?! I'm not sexy?!

                         DAVE
          Oh my god I can see it kicking.
          You can, in fact, see the fetus moving around in her belly.

                         TATIANA
          You know what? Fuck you, Mitch.
          Don't ever call me again.
          She yanks on her coat and storms out. Dave stammers.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- NIGHT

          It's bedtime. Wearing pajama pants and no shirt, Mitch
          brushes his teeth and fixes his hair, trying to look sexy. He
          sucks in his dad-gut in the mirror.

                         MITCH
          Jesus, Dave, it's called a sit-up.
          Then he sees Jamie's dress land on the bedroom floor,
          followed by her bra... Mitch exhales:

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Holy shit, I'm finally going to
          fuck Jamie. This is my greatest
          hour! I hope she likes it weird!
          Then, IN SLOW MOTION, Jamie enters the bathroom, nude, her
          hair gently blowing in the wind from an open window. She
          looks insanely hot. Mitch takes her all in, ravenous...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Oh my God I am going to ruin her--
          And then she sits on the can. And starts taking a dump.
          Mitch's face drops, horrified.

                         JAMIE
          I have to cool it on the Thai food.
          I've had the shits all day.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          56.
          Mitch just stares at her, dumbstruck, as we hear the LOOSE
          CONTENTS OF HER BOWELS empty into the toilet bowl.

                         MITCH
          Oh my GOD.

                         JAMIE
          Seriously -- light a candle.
          She keeps shitting. It sounds like Niagara Falls. Thunderous.
          Foregoing the candle, Mitch covers his nose with his forearm
          and stumbles out of the bathroom, nauseous...

          INT. BEDROOM -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER

          Mitch lies in bed, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling,
          horrified. Jamie slides in bed with him, touches his arm--

                         MITCH

                         (RECOILING)

          DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!

                         JAMIE
          What is your problem?

                         MITCH
          Look, I am not attracted to you
          right now, okay?! So just... No
          means no, all right? No means no...
          TIGHT ON Jamie rolling over, confused and genuinely hurt...

          TIME DISSOLVE TO:

          PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
          Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then a second baby
          joins in, even more shrill than the first. Finally, we hear
          the worst two words a parent can ever hear:

          JAMIE (O.S.)
          Your turn.

          MITCH (O.S.)
          Mmm?

          JAMIE (O.S.)
          It's your turn to feed the twins.

          MITCH (O.S.)
          Yeah...I really don't feel like it.
          Jamie turns on the light, pissed.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          57.

                         JAMIE
          Are you fucking kidding me?

                         MITCH
          No, it's 3 in the morning, you go
           do it. You're the mother.

                         JAMIE
          Get the fuck out bed right now and
          go feed your fucking children or I
          will fucking cut you!
          Mitch is already scrambling out of the room, terrified.

                         MITCH
          Yes Jamie I'm sorry Jamie!

          INT. TWIN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

          Mitch just looks at the twins, SCREAMING in their respective
          cribs, no idea what to do. He reaches for the phone. Dials.

          INTERCUT WITH DAVE
          in Mitch's apartment, jacking off to some (very small)
          internet porn on Mitch's iPhone. Then the porn disappears,
          and "DAVE LOCKWOOD CALLING" appears on screen.

                         DAVE
          Oh come on...
          (answering, panting)
          What?

                         MITCH
          I always thought your wife was a
          nice lady but she is neither nice
          nor a lady! She talks like a dock-
          worker and she shits like one too!
          Plus I used to think your kids were
          adorable but actually they're just
          really fucking annoying and crazy
          needy-- Wait, are you jacking off?

                         DAVE
          What? No!

                         MITCH
          So why are you panting?

                         DAVE
          Look, I had to, I never get this
          kind of privacy anymore.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          58.

                         MITCH
          But isn't that sort of...my penis?
          Dave looks down.

                         DAVE
          Yeah. I guess. Is that weird?

                         MITCH
          I. .don't know?

                         DAVE
          It sort of hooks to the side a bit.

                         MITCH
          Yeah. Go lefty, you'll get better
          torque.

                         DAVE
          Cool, thanks. Hey, how long have
          you been shaved down there?

                         MITCH
          It's kind of pro forma now, dude.

                         DAVE
          Really?

                         MITCH
          Yeah, only married dudes still rock
          dick-fros anymore-- wait: if
          Tatiana was over earlier, why do
          you still need to jack off?

                         DAVE
          Yeeeah, Tatiana might not be coming
          back. Like, ever.

                         MITCH
          What did you do?!

                         DAVE
          Me?! She's nine months pregnant!

                         MITCH
          Oh my God you're so picky!

                         DAVE
          I could see the baby kicking, dude!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          59.

                         MITCH
          So what, she's having a girl! It
          wouldn't have been a little boy
          tickling your tip! Jesus, I can't
          believe you fucked up my Tuesday
          night regular!

                         DAVE
          Relax, Mitch--

                         MITCH
          No! You married guys have no idea
          how hard it is to build a reliable
          stable! You don't! It's a full time
          job! Getting girls' phone numbers,
          calling them, emailing them,
          Facebooking them, Twittering them,
          buying them drinks and dinners and
          coffees and listening to endless
          stories about their stupid fucking
          friends and begging them to touch
          your wiener on the second date and
          building an elaborate web of lies
          so they don't all find out about
          each other -- it's exhausting! And
          then poof! In one night, you just
          casually discard my life's work!

                         DAVE
          Jesus, okay, I'm sorry...

                         MITCH
          Sorry doesn't lick my ballbag every
          Tuesday night...

                         DAVE
          Look, is there a reason you're
          calling me at 3 in the morning?
          Mitch glares back to the twins, who are still WAILING.

                         MITCH
          Yeah, your mean wife is making me
          feed the kids. What do I do?

                         DAVE
          Have you changed their diapers
          already?

                         MITCH
          (beat, lying)
          Yes. Obviously.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          60.

                         DAVE
          Okay, take them to the kitchen.

                         MITCH
          Hold on.
          Mitch puts the phone in his mouth and picks up the SCREAMING
          TWINS. Carrying them like bags of wheat, he jogs down

                         THE HALLWAY
          as they scream their heads off. He's totally rattled:

                         MITCH

          SHUT UP! STOP CRYING! JESUS CHRIST,

          WE FUCKING HEAR YOU!

          INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

          Mitch jogs into the kitchen and, plop, sets the twins on the
          COUNTER, then speaks into the phone again:

                         MITCH
          All right. In the kitchen.

                         DAVE
          Go to the fridge...
          Mitch turns away from the twins and opens the fridge. He sees
          a bottle of wine and immediately drinks from the bottle.

                         MITCH
          Yeah?

                         DAVE
          Defrost two bags of breastmilk in
          the microwave for 3 minutes, then
          prepare two separate bottles...
          Mitch grabs a container of cow's milk, sniffs it, turns to
          give it to the babies -- to discover that Sarah is gone, and
          Peter is licking an ELECTRICAL SOCKET!

                         MITCH
          Holy fuck!
          Mitch yanks Peter away just as SPARKS shoot from the socket!

                         DAVE
          What was that?

                         MITCH
          Nothing! Go on! Two bottles...?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          61.

                         DAVE
          First: attach the filter to the
          seal to the nipple...
          Mitch hears CLINK CLINK and spins to see that Sarah has
          crawled over to the KNIFE BLOCK and removed a BUTCHER KNIFE
          and a MEAT CLEAVER and is waving them about like rattles!

                         MITCH
          Oh jesus oh jesus...
          Mitch approaches her, wide-eyed, tentative -- when Sarah
          giggles and spastically whips the cleaver at him! He barely
          sidesteps it, and it impacts into a cupboard door -- F-TWANG!

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          This is so fucked up!

                         DAVE
          I know, right? And make sure you
          don't allow any air bubbles in.
          Mitch grabs a pair of tongs and, after a few attempts,
          snatches the butcher knife from Sarah's hands. Then he scoops
          her up and deposits her into the sink with her brother.
          Finally, he slumps over, trying to catch his breath.

                         MITCH
          Dude. Listen to me: you need to go
          downtown first thing tomorrow
          morning and you need to find that
          fucking fountain...
          He starts pouring cow's milk into the babies' mouths. It
          splashes all over them, but they manage to lap up some of it.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Honestly, I'm really not sure how
          much more of this shit I can take.

                         CUT TO:

          A DESK PLACARD READING "DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON"
          District Manager Carla Nelson sits behind her desk in her
          bland, putty office, the next morning. She is still bored.

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          Good news. Your formal information
          request was approved.
          Dave stops pacing, deeply relieved.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          62.

                         DAVE
          Great. So where's the fountain?

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          Oh. We won't hear back for one to
          three weeks, maybe more.

                         DAVE
          WHAT? How long can it possibly take
          you to find your own fountain?!

          CARLA MELSON DAVE
          One to three weeks, maybe One to three weeks, maybe
          more. more.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Thanks, Carla, you just ruined my
          life. Have an awesome day.
          Dave blows out of there, choking on his fury...

          MATCH CUT TO:

          DAVE RACING INTO HIS OWN HOUSE
          still furious. He looks around for Mitch.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Mitch?! Mitch?! Bad news, buddy!
          Dave bounds up the stairs...

          INT. NURSERY -- MORNING

          Jamie quietly CRIES as she gets the twins dressed for the
          day. Dave charges in--

                         DAVE
          Real bad news--!
          Jamie startles and quickly dries her eyes.

                         JAMIE
          Dave's in the shower.

                         DAVE
          Are you okay...?
          Dave enters, concerned, and instinctively starts helping her
          dress the babies. She watches him, a bit confused.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          63.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Come on, you can tell me. We've
          been friends forever...

                         JAMIE

                         (EXHALES)
          It's Dave ...he's been acting so
          strange lately. Last night... Last
          night he even told me he wasn't
          attracted to me...

                         DAVE
          Oh my god I'm going to fucking kill
          him.

                         JAMIE
          Just tell me honestly...is Dave
          having an affair?

                         DAVE
          No. Jamie. I swear he's not. You're
          just going through a very temporary
          rough patch, okay?

                         JAMIE
          Temporary? We've been in this rough
          patch for years

                         DAVE
          (this is news to him)
          Y-You have?!

                         JAMIE
          You don't want to hear about this.

                         DAVE
          No I really do. Tell me everything.
          Jamie looks at him, sees the urgency in his eyes. Frowns.

                         JAMIE
          It's not his fault, really...I love
          him with all my heart, you know I
          do, but-you remember Dave's
          family growing up. They were a
          mess. They had nothing. Dave's
          entire childhood was spent looking
          over the fence, wanting a better
          life. So he scrimped and saved and
          worked four jobs at once and put
          himself through school and built a
          better life for himself. I've
          always loved that about him.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          64.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          No one ever gave him anything. The
          problem is, now that he's got a
          good life, he can't turn it off --
          he's still looking over the fence,
          wanting something even better, a
          second house, more kids, a faster
          car, a bigger promotion, whatever
          it is that he thinks will finally
          make him happy.
          Dave reddens, defensive; this is hitting very close to home.

                         DAVE
          well poor Jamie! You have an
          ambitious, hard-working husband who
          provides for you and your family --
          how can you even stand it?

                         JAMIE

                         (TAKEN ABACK)
          No, I know, I should be grateful...
          and I am...I guess all I'm saying
          is that Dave is so focussed on what
          he doesn't have that he can't see
          what he does. And how long can you
          stay married to someone who is
          incapable of ever being happy...?
          She looks at him, searching. Dave stammers, realizing for the
          first time just how much trouble his marriage is in... Then:

                         MITCH
          Check it out: I have freckles on my
          taint! How awesome is that?!
          They turn to see Mitch in the doorway, buck naked and wet,
          holding a hand-mirror under his balls. Then he sees Dave.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Oh, hey, fag. Why're you here?

                         CUT TO:

          MITCH (O.S.) (CONT'D)
          One to three weeks, maybe more?!

          INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- DAY

          Mitch shaves in the bathroom as Dave paces, anxious.

                         MITCH
          What the fuck does that even mean?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          65.

                         DAVE
          It means we might be in each
          other's bodies for a while...

                         MITCH
          What?! No! I can't do this anymore!
          Your life sucks!

                         DAVE
          My life sucks?! You drive a Fiero--
          Jamie calls through the door:

          JAMIE (O.S.)
          Um, I'm going to work?

                         DAVE MITCH
          All right, angel! Have a nice day!

          JAMIE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
          You guys okay in there?

                         MITCH
          Yup! Just two dudes chilling in the
          bathroom, nothing weird about that!

          JAMIE (O.S.)
          Okay...? See you later...
          We hear Jamie's FOOTSTEPS retreat. Dave grows emotional:

                         DAVE
          Listen to me: I know I complain
          about my family sometimes, but
          Jamie and the kids are everything
          to me... My marriage is falling
          apart, my job is on the line, and I
          need you to step up and be the best
          possible version of me, okay?

                         MITCH
          Dude, honestly, I'm working my nuts
          off over here. I don't know how to
          play you any better.

                         DAVE
          Well. Then I'm just gonna have to
          teach you. Let's start at the

                         BEGINNING:

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          66.

          INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM -- CLOSET -- MOMENTS LATER

          Dave holds up a suit from his closet. Mitch watches.

                         DAVE
          This is called a suit. You have to
          wear one every day, along with--
          (holding up tie)

                         A NECKTIE--
          (holding up socks)
          Black -- not white -- socks--
          (holding up dress shoes)
          Dress shoes, not shower sandals--
          (holding up boxers)
          And underwear.

                         MITCH
          Oh come on!

                         DAVE
          No! No more commando! You are a
          grown-ass man!
          Mitch mimics heiling Hitler and starts getting dressed...

          INT. DAVE'S KITCHEN -- DAY

          Mitch, highly uncomfortable in his business suit, scowls as
          Dave shows him the kids' schedules on the fridge.

                         DAVE
          This is called a schedule. It tells
          you everything you need to do in a
          given day. Drop offs. Pick ups.
          Activities. Playdates. Doctors
          appointments. You'll notice that
          there are approximately 50 hours
          worth of obligations on any given
          day. Find a way.

          INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY

          Dave drives. Mitch slumps in the passenger seat, grumpy.

                         DAVE
          Always be thinking of your next
          responsibility. It helps to break
          your day into four minute
          increments. And remember: there is
          no margin for error.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          67.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          If you pick up the twins, the
          drycleaning and the diaper cream
          but forget the organic quince paste
          from that little place on Abbot
          Kinney, everyone still hates you.
          You have to be perfect.

          INT. WHOLE FOODS SUPERMARKET -- DAY

          Dave walks Mitch through Whole Foods with a cart, selecting
          various items from the list.

                         DAVE
          This is called a grocery store. You
          buy food here. Before heading to
          the market, always call Jamie first
          and ask her if she needs anything.
          In fact, before you make anV
          decisions in your life, no matter
          how small, call your wife first.
          Think of yourself as a retarded
          mule lost in the desert: helpless,
          dumb, and in constant need of
          direction. Never take initiative,
          never strike out on your own, never
          deviate from the plan: you are
          always wrong. You are a retarded
          mule lost in the desert.

          INT. DAVE'S AUDI STATION WAGON -- DAY

          They drive down the street, the car packed with groceries.

                         DAVE
          When you're with Jamie, you should
          always be doing one of three
          things: asking her permission,
          complimenting her, or begging her
          forgiveness. It doesn't matter if
          she already said you could go to
          poker night, or if she looks like
          fucking Mothra in that dress, or if
          you didn't do anything wrong.
          Permission, compliments, apologies.
          That's all anyone wants to hear out
          of a husband's mouth. Here, let's
          practice: what's your favorite
          joke?

                         MITCH
          Umm...? A rabbi, a priest--?
          BAM! Dave punches Mitch in the nuts.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          68.

                         DAVE
          Trick question! No one fucking
          cares! You're Dave Lockwood, boring
          dad, you're not Jerry Fucking
          Seinfeld! Shut the fuck up!
          Mitch clutches his balls, hurt and scared...

          INT. PRE-SCHOOL CLASSROOM -- DAY

          Dave and Mitch, wearing sombreros, sit behind a tiny desk in
          this colorful pre-school classroom, preparing the healthy
          snacks they just purchased for Cara and her rowdy CLASSMATES.

                         DAVE
          These are called children, or
          dependents. Never disparage your
          own children -- everything they do
          is a miracle from God. When they're
          bad, it's only because they're
          tired or going through a phase.
          When other people's kids are bad,
          however, it's because of indulgent
          parenting or innate defects in the

                         CHILD'S CHARACTER--
          A cute little BOY snatches three apple slices.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          One a piece, please, Dylan.

                         (TO MITCH)
          Kid's a natural born criminal. If
          he sees 18, it'll be from the
          inside a jail cell.

          INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- DAY

          Dave walks Mitch through the office.

                         DAVE
          This is called an office, or work.
          Think about whatever you most want
          to do here, and then do the exact
          opposite. You want to go home
          early? Great: stay all night.
          Hungry? Cool: don't eat. Think your
          boss is a total douche? Terrific:
          invite him to join your fantasy
          baseball league.
          A cute ASSOCIATE walks by and Mitch overtly eye-fucks her all
          the way past. Dave nut-punches him again.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          69.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          You're married now, jackass! You
          can't look at other women, you
          can't talk to other women, you
          can't even be interesting around
          other women! Do everything in your
          power to de-sexualize yourself --
          wear a fannypack, drive a Passat,
          affix electronic devices to your
          belt -- whatever it takes. If
          you're forced to interact with a
          woman, quickly find a way to
          mention that you're married. It
          doesn't even have to make sense.
          Just be like "Nice weather today,
          I'm totally fucking married."

                         MITCH
          Wait, so I can't sleep with my wife
          and I can't sleep with other women?
          What is that?

                         DAVE
          It's called marriage.
          Dave turns into his office, nodding at his mean secretary.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Good morning, Gladys.
          She scowls at him, confused, who's this guy? Then Mitch
          passes and wiggles his tongue at her, simulating cunnilingus.
          The old lady GASPS, appalled...

          INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

          They enter Dave's office.

                         DAVE
          Do you have any other questions?

                         MITCH
          Yeah -- when's your free time?

                         DAVE
          (COCK-PUNCHING him again)
          Have you been listening to one word
          I've said?! There is no fucking
          free time! You don't have a life
          anymore! You don't have a
          personality, or an identity, or a
          point of view! You are a dad!

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          70.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Your job is to allocate resources,
          to shuttle children from A to B, to
          deliver food at appropriate
          intervals, to clean up, to break
          down, to construct, to repair, to
          finance, to sooth, to make everyone
          else happy, okay? And when your day
          is done, you know what you get?

                         MITCH
          Dry handjob?

                         DAVE
          Nothing! You're not single anymore!
          No one gives you a cupcake every
          time you hold the door or speak in
          complete sentences, it's expected
          of you now, so grow up!

                         MITCH
          Okay, can I just say something
          without you punching my cock?
          (Dave inhales, go)
          I think you might be taking some of
          this adult shit a little seriously--

          VOICE AT THE DOOR
          Knock knock?
          Both men turn to see Sabrina in the doorway, looking lovely
          in a short skirt suit, holding documents. Mitch straightens.

                         MITCH
          HELL-lo legs.

                         SABRINA
          Yes...um...sort of big news.

                         MITCH
          (solicitous, creepy)
          Please, come in! Coffee? Scotch?

                         SABRINA
          (entering, tentative)
          No... thanks? Anyway, Kinkabe and
          Amalgamated have agreed to go into
          binding mediation in two days.

                         DAVE
          Two days? Are you kidding me?!
          Sabrina glances at Dave, confused, no idea who he is.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          71.

                         SABRINA
          N-No? Anyway, I'll have my briefs
          on your desk by tonight.

                         MITCH
          (stretching leg on desk)
          And I'll have my briefs on your
          chin by tomorrow morning--

                         DAVE
          And that is Level 4 Sexual
          Harassment! Awesome! Thanks,
          Sabrina, that will be all.

                         MITCH
          Oh shit, this is Sabrina?!
          Sabrina looks at Dave, even more confused.

                         SABRINA
          Have. . .Have we met?

                         DAVE
          (shaking Sabrina's hand)
          Oh. I'm sorry, no. I'm Mitch,
          Dave's completely idiotic friend.

                         SABRINA

                         (SMILING SLIGHTLY)
          Sabrina McArdle. Nice to meet you.
          Mitch notices their chemistry and immediately blurts out:

                         MITCH
          You guys should go out!

                         DAVE
          What?

                         MITCH
          Yeah! You're single now, Mitch,
          remember? And Sabrina is stone
          fucking hot! Look at that body!
          Sabrina: swimmer in college?

                         SABRINA
          Dave--?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          72.

                         MITCH
          You two should go out, have a nice
          steak dinner, go dancing at some
          weird Korean nightclub and then
          fuck on the roof, you know what I
          mean? How's 8pm tomorrow night,
          Richter's Steakhouse?
          Sabrina and Dave stammer, sharing a terrorized look.

                         SABRINA
          Um, good, I guess...?

                         MITCH
          Great! I know for a fact that Mitch
          is free, so he'll see you there!
          And honey: wear something tight,
          you know what I mean? Make it fun.

                         SABRINA
          Yeah...I'm gonna go now...?
          Sabrina hurries out, appalled. Dave clutches his forehead:

                         DAVE
          Oh my god I'm so fucking fired.

                         MITCH
          No dude: you're so fucking laid!

                         DAVE
          You can't talk to women like that
          at work! Or anywhere, really!

                         MITCH
          I'm sorry, I just got you a date
          with the number one girl on your
          Cancer List and this is the thanks
          I get?

                         DAVE
          I'm not going on the date, Mitch.

                         MITCH
          Yes you are.

                         DAVE
          No. I'm not.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          73.

                         MITCH
          Yes you are, because if you don't,
          I will feed'your children non-
          organic snacks and then introduce
          them to my extensive girl-on-horse
          pornography collection. How do you
          think Jamie will react to that?
          Dave just looks at Mitch, horrified.

                         DAVE
          Why...Why are you doing this to me?

                         MITCH
          Because I've seen your life and if
          you don't loosen up soon you are
          literally going to die. So go out
          with this chick. Have fun. Bust a
          nut. Remember why life is beautiful
          again, okay? Please?
          This actually gets to Dave a bit. He frowns, fine...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Also, see if she likes to fuck on
          Tuesday nights, because you owe me
          a regular.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. PARKING LOT -- NIGHT

          His work day over, Mitch strides through the parking lot,
          heading for his car, cheerfully waving to various COMMUTERS:

                         MITCH

          GOOD EVENING! / HAVE A PLEASANT

          COMMUTE! / WHAT A WONDERFUL BROOCH!
          Mitch reaches his Audi station wagon when--

                         VOICE
          Dave?
          Mitch turns to see his father, MITCH, SR. passing, smiling.

                         MITCH
          Oh! Hey... Mister ...Planko? What are
          you doing here?

          MITCH, SR.
          My attorney's in this building...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          74.
          He notices the HUMAN STICK FIGURES on Dave's rear windshield,
          labelled for each member of his family. He smiles at them:

          MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
          Oh, what a neat idea!

                         MITCH
          Yeah, maybe if you're from Kansas.

          MITCH, SR.
          Your parents are very lucky to have
          so many grandchildren.

                         MITCH
          (quick, sharp)
          What's that supposed to mean?

          MITCH, SR.
          Nothing! Nothing. How are y--?

                         MITCH
          I mean, you still have a really
          fucking cool son, right?!

          MITCH, SR.
          Yes, Mitch is definitely cool...
          How are the twins?

                         MITCH
          They're fucking fine-- what the
          fuck does that mean, "Mitch is
          definitely cool?!"

          MITCH, SR.

                         (TAKEN ABACK)
          Nothing. No, it's my fault... I
          spoiled him rotten after his mother
          passed away, but...
          He trails off, clearly not wanting to talk about this.

                         MITCH
          But what, dude?! Spit it out!

          MITCH, SR.
          But now he's a total fuck up.
          Mitch actually GASPS. His dad smiles sadly:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          75.

          MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
          I mean, he's a great guy, he's the
          life of the party, but he has no
          work ethic, he has no backbone,
          he'll never build a family or a
          career or anything of substance
          like you have. He's... embarrassing.
          Mitch stands there, mouth agape, just decimated.

          MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
          Anyway, I'm sorry to go on and on.
          How's your lovely wife--?
          Mitch starts TEARING UP and fumbling with the car door.

                         MITCH
          Your son is not a fuck up, M-Mr.
          Planko! He's just a late bloomer!
          His dad looks utterly confused as Mitch gets into the car.

          MITCH, SR.
          Dave? Are you crying...?

                         MITCH
          I'm sorry, I'm just very close to
          Mitch and when people say mean
          things about him I hurt too--
          He SLAMS the door shut and jerks out of the parking spot,
          tears pouring down his face. His dad watches on, bewildered.

          INT. DAVE'S CAR -- NIGHT

          Mitch angrily drives home, trying to stop crying.

                         MITCH
          Fuck! Fuck...
          And then Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" comes on the radio.
          Mitch's expression slowly turns to steely determination...

                         CUT TO:

                         BLACK STILLNESS
          As "Eye of the Tiger" continues playing, we hear a baby
          SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then we hear a second baby join in.
          Finally, we hear the worst two words a parent can ever hear:

                         JAMIE

                         YOUR TURN--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          76.
          Mitch sits bolt upright in bed like Rambo, totally awake, his
          jaw set, and bounds out of bed...

          INT. NURSERY -- NIGHT

          Mitch aggressively changes the twins' diapers. He's doing a
          terrible job, but he's focussed, working hard...

          INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

          Mitch assembles two baby bottles as the twins sit in the sink
          SCREAMING. He SCREAMS back at them...

          INT. DEN -- NIGHT

          Mitch sits erect on the couch like a Navajo warrior, feeding
          the twins, his eyes afire...

          INT. DAVE'S CAR -- THE NEXT MORNING

          Wearing fingerless driving gloves, Mitch races the twins to
          day care. He looks like the fucking Transporter...

          INT. STEEL, KUHBACH, MCCLOUD -- LAW FIRM -- MORNING

          Mitch blows into the office, looking sharp in a business
          suit. He points at other lawyers, amped up, not smiling.

                         MITCH

          LET'S DO SOME LAW, GUYS! GET SOME!
          His old secretary Gladys falls in step with him.

                         GLADYS

                         GOOD MORN--

                         MITCH
          I need the book CORPORATE LAW FOR
          DUMMIES, every season of Law &
          Order on DVD and Blu-Ray, and the
          biggest fucking coffee you can
          carry on my desk in 15 minutes or
          else you're fired.
          Gladys writes this down on a pad of paper, a bit turned on...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Also get yourself a new haircut and
          a pair of six inch stripper shoes.
          It's time to take this shit to the
          next level.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          77.

          INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- LATER

          Mitch studies a legal casebook while chugging coffee. Law &
          Order plays on the TV in the background. Then an ALARM sounds
          on his desk and he races out of his office, all business...

          INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE -- DAY

          Mitch hurries into the pediatrician's office, talking on his
          BlackBerry phone, a twin in each arm, a cigarette dangling
          from his mouth. The RECEPTIONIST frowns. Mitch makes the
          universal "jerking off" motion with his hand...

          INT. SUPERMARKET -- DAY

          Mitch races through the supermarket with a cart, grabbing
          items off the shelves like Supermarket Sweeps...

          INT. AUDITORIUM -- DAY

          Mitch jogs into the crowded auditorium and sits next to
          Jamie. The ballet recital is already in progress...
          ONSTAGE, two dozen adorable little BALLERINAS in pink tutu's
          pile and jete about...
          Jamie points out little Cara in pigtails. Mitch smiles.

                         MITCH
          Fuck me she's cute...

                         JAMIE
          Uh oh, here comes the second
          battement glisse...
          Jamie tenses up. Mitch does too...
          As Cara starts her spin, Nicolette Peters goes to push her
          over -- and Cara calmly grabs her arm, FLIPS her over her
          shoulder, and drops her flat on her back with a loud WHAM!
          As Nicolette starts CRYING, Cara calmly continues dancing
          like nothing happened. The other girls on stage look pleased.
          Mitch CLAPS and WHISTLES:

                         MITCH

          FUCK YEAH! NICE ONE, CARA!
          Jamie hits him, SHE, but is clearly proud of her little girl.
          A dozen rows ahead of them, NICOLETTE'S FATHER -- a huge
          former linebacker -- leaps up, outraged:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          78.

                         NICOLETTE'S FATHER

          HEY! THAT GIRL JUST FLIPPED MY

          DAUGHTER!
          Mitch hops up, equally fired up.

                         MITCH

          THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER IS A

          FUCKING CUNT!
          The entire auditorium SILENCES. Nicolette's father turns.

                         NICOLETTE'S FATHER

          WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!

                         MITCH

          YOU HEARD ME, PAL! YOUR DAUGHTER

          HAD IT COMING!
          Nicolette's father, his face beet red, starts climbing over
          people and seats, insanely gunning for Mitch!

                         NICOLETTE'S FATHER

          YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!

                         JAMIE
          Honey--?.

                         MITCH

          BRING IT, FUCK-NUTS!
          Mitch bounds over the seats, charging right back at him!
          ON STAGE Mrs. Kleinmen and all the little ballerinas stand
          frozen, mouths agape, watching Mitch and Nicolette's father
          claw their way over seats, trying to get to each other!

                         MITCH (CONT'D)

          I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF-
          WHAM! Nicolette's dad levels him OUT OF FRAME as we

                          CUT TO:

          INT. JAMIE'S BMW STATION WAGON -- EVENING

          Jamie drives along, a slight smile on her face. Mitch sits
          shotgun, battered and beaten, holding an ice pack to his
          cheek. Cara sits in her carseat in the back, a bit stunned.

                         JAMIE
          Well, looks like you won't be doing
          ballet at the rec center anymore.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          79.

                         CARA
          That's okay. I didn't really like
          it anyway.

                         MITCH
          Where'd you learn to ninja-flip a
          girl like that?

                         CARA
          The internet.

                         MITCH
          Good girl. So what'd we learn from
          this?

                         CARA
          Always solve my problems with
          violence.

                         MITCH
          That's right, baby. Bones.
          They bump fists. Jamie is stunned.

                         JAMIE
          What?! No, angel, that's exactly
          the wrong lesson. You should never
          use violence, except to defend
          yourself, okay?
          Mitch subtly shakes his head at Cara, don't listen to her.

                         MITCH
          Violence is cool.

                         JAMIE
          Dave!

                         MITCH
          I'm kidding!

                         (TO CARA)
          I'm not kidding.
          Cara GIGGLES in the backseat. Jamie can't help but laugh too.
          Soon they're all LAUGHING. It's a nice moment.

                         CARA
          I love you, Daddy...

                         MITCH

                         (SURPRISED)
          Oh. I-I love you too, angel.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          80.
          Jamie smiles over at Mitch...
          TIGHT ON MITCH as he feels the family love for the first
          time. He looks touched... even a little proud...
          Then his cell phone rings. He answers it:

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Lockwood.

          DAVE (ON PHONE)
          I haven't been on a first date in
          over a decade and I'm drowning in
          my own fear--!

                         MITCH
          Don't move. I'll be right over.

          SMASH CUT TO:

          MITCH KICKING OPEN THE DOOR
          of his old apartment to find Dave, in khaki's and a pressed
          buttondown, freaking out in the mirror--

                         DAVE
          How do I look?!

                         MITCH
          Like a fucking tool. Step aside--
          Mitch throws open the closet and yanks out a pair of jeans.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          These are called jeans. They've
          been very popular with our nation's
          young people for over 60 years. Put
          them on immediately.

                         DAVE
          Jeans? To a restaurant?
          Mitch punches Dave in the nuts; he doubles over.

                         MITCH
          Shut up and do what I say. We only
          have 3 hours to make you cool...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MITCH'S BATHROOM

          Mitch shows Dave how to put gel into his hair.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          81.

                         MITCH
          This is called gel, or product. Use
          too little and you look like a
          pedophile Cub Scout leader, use too
          much and you look Persian. Neither
          is a winning hand.
          Dave very nervously applies gel to his hair...

          INT. MITCH'S SHOWER STALL

          Dave stands with his pants around his ankles as Mitch very
          delicately shaves his balls with a Bic razor.

                         MITCH
          Okay, normally I would never do
          this for another man, but since
          we're in a rush, and technically
          this is my testicle bag, I'm making
          a rare exception. Always man-scape
          before a first date. It shows a
          lady that you're clean,
          considerate, and American.

                         DAVE

                         IT TICKLES--

                         MITCH
          Don't speak, it jiggles your sack.

          EXT. EXOTIC MOTORCARS -- EVENING

          Exotic sells the most pimped-out used cars in LA. Mitch
          SQUEALS off the lot in a RED FERRARI and cruises down the
          Sunset Strip, music BLASTING. Dave sits shotgun, stunned.

                         DAVE
          I can't believe you just charged a
          Ferrari to my Discover Card.

                         MITCH
          You need to learn to be
          spontaneous, Dave. Chicks like
          spontaneous.
          (to WOMEN walking by)
          Hey ladies! Show us your tits!
          They flip him off. Mitch laughs. Dave is still floored:

                         DAVE
          What are we gonna tell Jamie...?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          82.

                         MITCH
          Do me a favor, Dave. Relax your
          butt hole.

                         DAVE
          What?

                         MITCH
          Your sphincter. Just... release it.
          Dave's entire body visibly relaxes a bit.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          You didn't even know it was
          puckered, right? Now recline your
          seat a bit...

                         (DAVE RECLINES)
          Good. Now take some deep breaths.
          (Dave does, calming)
          Now give me your sunglasses.
          Dave gives him his sunglasses; Mitch chucks them out the
          window and hands him his cool Ray Ban's.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Now, just for like three minutes,
          don't be a dad, don't be a husband,
          don't be a lawyer, just be a dude
          rolling down Sunset strip in a
          fucking Ferrari with his best
          friend listening to Seal, okay?
          Dave looks out the window, getting into it...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Feels good, right?
          After a moment, a TEAR escapes from under Dave's shades.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          It's okay, just let it out.

                         DAVE
          It's been so long since I felt
          cool...

                         MITCH
          I know, baby. I know.
          They cruise for a bit longer, then Mitch pulls into a CAR
          WASH. Dave looks confused.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          83.

                         DAVE
          Why are we washing the car? It's
          brand new.

                         MITCH
          We're not washing the car, David.
          We're getting you mentally,
          physically, and spiritually ready
          for your date. Come on.

          INT. CAR WASH -- LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER

          Mitch and a very confused Dave enter the car wash lobby.

                         MITCH
          Now. I don't have time to cover all
          the ways in which women have
          changed since you last dated...
          Mitch stops at the register to pay. Various CAR WASH
          EMPLOYEES keep saying hi to Dave, weirding him out.

          CAR WASH EMPLOYEES
          Hola, Mitch! / Como esta, Mitch?!

                         MITCH
          The bottom line is: the internet
          has revolutionized everything.

                         DAVE
          You mean like J-date?

                         MITCH
          Fuck J-date. No. The internet has
          changed chicks in three major ways:
          first, access and acceptance of
          pornography has commoditized women
          and pressured them into becoming
          sluttier at far younger ages, which
          is awesome.
          Mitch finishes paying and continues through the car wash.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Second: text messaging has de-
          stigmatized the booty call. Call a
          girl at 3 in the morning for sex
          and it's creepy. Text her "SUCK
          WANG MIDNIGHT??" and it's classy. I
          have no idea why, but again, an
          awesome development.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          84.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Third: Facebook and other social
          networking sites have falsely
          convinced people -- women included
          -- that they are funny,
          interesting, and unique. Get used
          to listening waaay more than you
          used to. Chicks are the new dudes,
          they talk about themselves all the
          fucking time now. Practice saying
          things like "you are so different"
          and "no, really, what Golden Girl
          would you be?" and "I love Lady
          Gaga too."

                         DAVE
          What's a Lady Gaga?

                         MITCH
          I don't know, it's either a pop
          singer or an energy drink.
          They arrive at the CAR WASH WAITING AREA. People sit around,
          waiting for their cars, many of them young, female, and cute.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Okay, let's talk to some honeys,
          get your flow going again.

                         DAVE
          So wait, why are we at a car wash?

                         MITCH
          The girls are alone, bored, and old
          enough to drive -- it's a goldmine.
          I run game here four to seven times
          a week. Now go on, bust a move.

                         DAVE
          Come on, I talk to women all the
          time, I don't need to practice.

                         MITCH
          Really.

                         DAVE
          Yes. And no offense, as a married
          man, I probably know how to talk to
          women better than you do.

                         MITCH
          Reall v!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          85.

                         DAVE
          Yes! It's not that hard. They just
          want to be respected and listened
          to like everybody else.

                         MITCH
          Okay Daddy Day Care show me how
          it's done then! Shit!
          Dave sighs and crosses to a CUTE BLONDE texting nearby. As he
          draws closer, however, he starts to tense up...soon he's
          sweating... it's been a long time ...by the time he finally
          reaches the blonde, his voice is ridiculously shrill:

                         DAVE
          Hello there what's your name?!
          She doesn't even look up from her BlackBerry. Dave's
          confidence instantly crumbles...

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          I-I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hit
          on you. I'm just...I mean, I'm
          married, so that's not even a
          thing. W-W-Where are you from--?
          Mitch appears and yanks him away. Dave looks traumatized:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Was she reaching for her rape
          whistle?

                         MITCH
          Shake it off. Being single is like
          the Tour De France: it's all about
          quick recovery time. Now go on, get
          your groove back, you're meeting
          Sabrina in a half hour.

                         QUICK CUTS:
          Of Dave trying to chat up various YOUNG WOMEN at the carwash.

                         DAVE
          Your name is Dora? Like the
          Explorah?! No...? You aren't
          familiar with that show...?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          86.

          ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN

                         DAVE
          (trying to be sexy)
          So: what school district do you
          live in?

          ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN

                         DAVE
          Yikes, what do your parents think
          of all those piercings?!

          ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN

                         DAVE
          .and that's the difference
          between a stroller and a pram.

                         YOUNG WOMAN
          My car's ready.
          The YOUNG WOMAN races off towards her newly cleaned car. Dave
          slumps, shit. Mitch nods, looking at his watch.

                         MITCH
          Forty seconds. Not bad. Your times
          are improving.

                         DAVE
          I forgot how hard it is to be
          single...

                         MITCH
          As a general rule, when you're
          talking to single women,
          conversation topics to avoid
          include: your wife, your children,
          your favorite playgrounds, and The
          Wiggles...
          Dave nods, hating himself. Mitch heads for the Ferrari.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          But this was good. You worked out
          all your bad game and now you're
          ready to dominate. Come on.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. FERRARI -- NIGHT

          Mitch rockets down Sunset Boulevard. Dave looks nauseous.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          87.

                         DAVE
          I don't feel good about this.

                         MITCH
          Relax: you're dressed cool, your
          hair is crushing it, your ballsack
          is taut and smooth, and you're way
          better looking than you've ever
          been. Just remember Uncle Mitch's
          Golden Rule of Dating.

                         DAVE
          I know, always use an alias.

                         MITCH
          What? No. No, my Golden Rule of
          Dating is always find the fun.
          Think of it like this: for the next
          two hours, you're stuck with this
          chick. Doesn't matter if she's cool
          or crazy or if she was born with a
          vagina on her forehead -- you're
          stuck, so make the most of it. I
          dated this chick named Topaz once
          who may or may not have killed her
           father. Long story short, she
          looked like 50 miles of bad road
          and I wasn't interested, but I used
          our time together to learn about
          incest and the failures of the
          American Appellate Court system. I
          found it hugely informative, and
          Topaz got caught up in my
          enthusiasm and gave me a crying
          blowjob on the car-ride home, so
          everybody won. The point is: find
          the fun for yourself and great
          things will follow.
          Dave looks horrified as they roll up to RICHTER'S, a chic
          steakhouse.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Power hug.
          Mitch hugs a still-speechless Dave...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Now go on. Make daddy proud.

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          88.

          INT. RICHTER'S RESTAURANT -- A SHORT WHILE LATER

          Richter's is dark, elegant, romantic. Dave sits at a candle-
          lit table, anxiously folding and unfolding sugar packets.
          Then Sabrina enters, looking stunning in a snug red dress,
          and gazes around the restaurant. Dave's heart skips a beat,
          and he waves her over. She approaches, smiling.

                         SABRINA
          Hey!

                         DAVE
          Hey. Hi. Hello.
          He awkwardly goes to kiss her cheek while she goes for a
          handshake. It's awkward/cute.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Oh -- whoop -- okay.
          They sit. Dave stares at her, terrified. Then he blurts out:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Do you like Googoo Lady?!

                         SABRINA
          What. . .what is that?

                         DAVE
          I-I don't know! I really don't!
          Sabrina smiles politely and looks around for a waiter. Dave
          winces, hating himself to the very core of his being...

                         SABRINA
          So. How long have you known Dave?

                         DAVE
          M-My whole life, actually.

                         SABRINA
          Annnd have you ever seen him act
          like he did yesterday?

                         DAVE
          What, like a total douchebag?
          She LAUGHS. Dave can't believe it. He loosens up a bit.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          89.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          That's not fair. Dave...Dave isn't
          himself right now. I hope he didn't
          say anything to offend you...

                         SABRINA
          No. I mean, he totally did, but
          it's fine. I have brothers.
          Dave pours both of them a glass of wine, finding his rhythm.

                         DAVE
          So. You like working with Dave?

                         SABRINA
          I love it. He's the best.

                         DAVE
          Isn't he just?

                         SABRINA
          I.. .eh, nevermind.

                         DAVE
          No, go on.

                         SABRINA
          I actually used to sort of have a
          crush on him, if you must know...

                         DAVE

                         (LAUGHING)
          You did? That's so... ironic!

                         SABRINA
          I mean, he's married, so
          obviously...

                         DAVE
          Right. Obviously. Well, I'm just
          like Dave, only way more handsome.
          She laughs. Dave smiles back, his confidence growing, as we

          TIME DISSOLVE TO:

          DAVE AND SABRINA TALKING AND LAUGHING
          as they meander through the courses of their meal. We've
          never seen Dave so animated and alive and happy...

          TIME DISSOLVE TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          90.

          EXT. RICHTER'S RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

          Dave and Sabrina exit the restaurant. It's a warm night.

                         DAVE
          Well, I had a great time...

                         SABRINA
          Oh -- are we done? It's only 2.

                         DAVE
          Right! No! What are we, lame
          married people? Let's go to a
          rave...or something? Do people...
          still do that? Raving?

                         SABRINA
          My friend is spinning afterhours at
          Foxtail, if you want...?

                         DAVE

                         (CONFUSED)
          Spinning? Is that with the bikes?
          Sabrina laughs and takes his arm.

                         SABRINA
          You're so funny! Come on!

          EXT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          A line of HIPSTERS wait outside Foxtail. Holding Dave's hand,
          Sabrina cuts the line, kisses the BOUNCER on the cheek, and
          he lets them inside. Dave nods, awesome...

          INT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          Dave and Sabrina get down on the sweaty, crowded dance floor.
          The house music is deafening and the lights are hypnotizing
          and everyone is having the time of their lives.
          Dave, his shirt half-open, moves sensually in sync with
          Sabrina, both of them possessed by the music. They're inches
          apart and her dress and hair fly about in all the right ways.

          INT. FOXTAIL NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          Foxtail is closed, but Dave, with Sabrina on his lap, sits in
          a booth drinking champagne with DJ BASSNECTAR and all of his
          ridiculously cool friends. Dave tells a joke and everyone
          laughs -- including KIEFER SUTHERLAND, who's sitting next to
          him; Kiefer slaps Dave five. Nice!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          91.

          INT. DOWNTOWN LOFT -- NIGHT

          Dave, Sabrina, Bassnectar, Kiefer Sutherland, and a group of
          hipsters play poker in Kiefer's unbelievable DOWNTOWN LOFT.
          Music blasts, beer bottles litter the table, and everyone is
          having fun. Sabrina wins a hand and does a victory dance...

          EXT. WEST HOLLYWOOD STREET -- NIGHT

          Dave walks Sabrina home along her quaint, tree-lined street.

                         DAVE
          Now that was a first date...

                         SABRINA
          For a guy with a poker table in his
          living room, Kiefer Sutherland is
          surprisingly bad at poker.

                         DAVE
          I know. I'm not even sure he
          understood the rules...
          She laughs. Then they stop in front of her apartment. Beat.

                         SABRINA
          It's so weird, I feel like I've
          known you for longer than just one
          night...

                         DAVE
          Yeah. Me too...
          There's a lull for a kiss. Dave hesitates...so Sabrina moves
          in and kisses him. It's sweet but passionate... When it's
          over, Dave can barely speak:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Can...Can, um, can I call you
          sometime? Do people still say that?

                         SABRINA
          Yes -- and you'd better.

                         DAVE
          Okay. Well. Good night, Sabrina.

                         SABRINA
          Good night, Mitch.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          92.
          She gives him a thoughtful smile then disappears inside. Dave
          waits a second, then does a victorious karate chop, YES!

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY MORNING
           Light floods into Mitch's apartment. Dave wakes up and looks
          at the clock: 9:02.

                         DAVE
          Fuck that.
          He rolls over and goes back to sleep, a smile on his face...

          EXT. TOAST -- DAY

          Dave sits at an outdoor table, reading a novel and taking his
          time with brunch. He sees a BUSINESSMAN wolfing down his food
          and running off to his car, yelling into his cell phone,
          stressed out of his mind. Dave smiles and keeps reading...

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM -- DAY

          Dave sits on the toilet, reading his novel and taking a
          leisurely shit. We hear the clean KER-PLOP of a solid poo
          hitting the toilet water, and Dave closes his eyes, nice...

          EXT. BATTING CAGES -- DAY

          Dave, in a Dodgers jersey, tees off on baseballs in a batting
          cage. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! It feels great...

          EXT. JUNGLE -- MOVIE SET -- DAY

          Dave, holding a cross-bow and wearing a loincloth, has fake
          sex with his CO-STAR on a jungle set; their mid-sections are
          conveniently obscured by a giant fern.
          Dave is selling it, and when Valtan calls cut, the whole CREW
          applauds, wildly impressed. Dave waves them off, bashful...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. DAVE'S OFFICE -- DAY

          Looking hip in jeans, flip flops, and a mildly ironic tee
          shirt, Dave breezes into his office to find Mitch, in a
          pressed suit, intently studying a legal casebook at his desk.

                         DAVE
          Well, well, look who's all growns
          up.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          93.
          Dave crashes on the couch, happy. Mitch looks annoyed:

                         MITCH
          Really? Open-toed sandals at work?

                         DAVE
          Are...Are you kidding me?

                         MITCH
          Look, I can't hang right now, okay?
          I've got the mediation in like ten
          minutes.
          Dave stands right back up, surprised and impressed.

                         DAVE
          Wow. Okay. Well, I just wanted t
          tell you that if you can get a
          protracted buyout for anything over
          700 million dollars, take it, okay?

                         MITCH
          700 million, you got it.

                         DAVE
          (heading for the door)
          Also, I wanted to thank you for
          setting me up with Sabrina. She's
          amazing. I can't wait to see her

                         AGAIN TONIGHT--

                         MITCH
          What?! Dave: No. You can't, you
          have to wait at least a week!
          Dave reaches for his cellphone as he heads out the door.

                         DAVE
          Which reminds me, I wanted to call
          to see if she got the flowers...

                         MITCH
          You sent her flowers after one
          date?! Are you retarded?! Do not
          get me into a relationship, dude!
          Too late. Dave is already gone. Mitch scowls. Then:

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          You can come out now, Gladys...
          A second later, GLADYS, in a form-fitting suit and a sexy new
          bob, crawls out from under his desk. Mitch zips up his pants.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          94.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Look, honey, I don't think this is

                         WORKING OUT--
          Gladys YANKS him by the tie and gets in his face, wild-eyed:

                         GLADYS
          I haven't had sex in 34 years! This
          isn't over tit I su e' it's over.

                         MITCH
          F-Fine, but can you please stop
          following me to the bathroom and
          calling my house late at night and
          sending me all those filthy emails?
          It's, you know, deeply disturbing.

                         GLADYS
          You need to realize something, boy:
          (whispering in his ear)
          I fucking own you now.
          The old lady aggressively makes out with Mitch. Her tongue
          roams from his mouth and madly licks his face, neck, and
          forehead. Eventually they separate. Mitch looks stunned.

                         GLADYS (CONT'D)
          I left you a little souvenir in
          your pocket...
          She winks and exits. Mitch tentatively reaches into his
          pocket and pulls out a giant pair of TAN GRANNY PANTIES.

                         MITCH
          I've created a monster...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES -- DAY

          A line of limousines roll up to Dave's building and dozens of
          stone-faced EXECUTIVES from both companies file out...

          INT. LAW FIRM -- CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY

          KEN KINKABE and a slew of his EXECS sit on one side of the
          massive conference table. Sitting across from them are CEO
          TED NORTON, Mitch, Flemming Steel III, and a bevy of
          Amalgamated execs. No one speaks. It's a corporate staredown.
          Then the mediator, ERIN WALSH, 50's, enters, all business:

                         

                         

                         

                         

          95.

                         ERIN WALSH
          Thank you all for coming. My name
          is Erin Walsh and I will be
          mediating your claim today...
          Mitch makes the "I'm gonna slit your fucking throat" gesture
          to Ken Kinkabe, who recoils, what the...:

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. SIDE ROOM -- LATER

          The mediation has broken into two separate rooms. The
          Amalgamated team sits in their shirtsleeves, waiting in tense
          silence. PAPERS litter the table. They've been here a while.
          A large tray of sandwiches sits half-eaten on the sideboard.
          Mitch jams the last piece of a ham sandwich into his mouth,
          swallows it, and holds up his hands, victorious!

                         MITCH
          14! 14 sandwiches and 9 Diet
          Slice's! Pay up, cocksucker!
          An EXEC gives him a 5 dollar bill. Mitch waves it in the air
          and HUMS the Olympic theme song. Flemming just glares at him
          like, you're so fired. Then the mediator enters.

                         ERIN WALSH
          Kinkabe agrees in principle to the
          terms of the sale, and valuates
          your company at 725 million
          dollars. This is their last and
          final offer. I'll be outside.
          She exits. CEO Ted Norton looks at Flemming, intense.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          It's a fair deal. I don't think
          we'll get much more out of them...
          The other execs all nod. Then Mitch BURRRRPS:

                         MITCH
          Fuck that, dude, you can do better.

          CEO TED NORTON
          I beg your pardon?

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Shut your mouth, Lockwood--!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          96.

                         MITCH
          Look, this is just like when you're
          trying to fuck a Jewish girl and
          she keeps saying "no, no, I don't
          want to, I'm really drunk and
          you're not circumcised" but then
          she keeps making out with you and
          not getting out of your Fiero so
          you know she really does want it,
          she just needs to be nudged a bit
          more so she can rationalize it to
          herself and to her God, know what I
          mean? This is just like that.
          Everyone in the room is speechless. Mitch opens another soda.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Jesus I do not feel good.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          How is this...at all... like that?

                         MITCH
          If this was really their final
          offer, they'd leave. Instead,
          they're sticking around, which
          means they have more money to
          spend.
          Ted looks at his execs. It's not a terrible point...

          CEO TED NORTON
          How much more do you think we can
          get out of them? 10 million? 15?

                         MITCH
          Fuck it, homey, go for 100.

          CEO TED NORTON
          What?!

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Do not listen to him, Ted, he is
          beyond reckless! If we make too
          large a counter-offer, we risk
          driving them away.

                         MITCH
          Enh, can't hurt to ask. You
          wouldn't believe the nasty shit I
          get girls to do just by asking.
          Honestly, it's revolting.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          97.
          Ted looks genuinely torn. He dabs his sweaty brow.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Seriously, does anyone have a
          Pepto? Because I'm gonna throw.
          Finally, Ted opens the door and says to the mediator:

          CEO TED NORTON
          Tell Kinkabe we want an extra 100
          million and that is our final
          offer, because we're leaving.
          (loudly, to his execs)
          Fuel the jet. Let's go.
          The mediator heads off as the execs start packing up their
          briefcases, bluffing. Mitch points at Ted.

                         MITCH
          Nice, bro. Way to show some sack.

          CEO TED NORTON
          You had better be right, son, or
          else I am most definitely fired.

                         MITCH
          Hey, me too. Bones.
          He extends his fist. Ted ignores him and gathers his things.

          EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES -- A SHORT WHILE LATER

          Ted Norton and all his execs hurry out of the building,
          briefcases in hand, looking ashen. They head for their long
          line of idling limos. Ted hisses to Flemming:

          CEO TED NORTON
          I can't believe we just walked away
          from 725 million dollars.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          For the record, I did not support

                         THAT DECISION--:

          VOICE BEHIND THEM
          Mr. Norton?! Sir?!
          They turn to see the mediator jogging out of the building.

                         ERIN WALSH
          Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has agreed to the
          825 million. The deal is closed.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          98.
          A shocked CHEER rises up from the execs! Hugs and handshakes
          all around! Ted pumps Mitch's hand, ecstatic.

          CEO TED NORTON
          Helluva job! I owe you my life!

                         MITCH
          Fuck it. Helping ridiculously rich
          people become even more
          ridiculously rich is why I go to
          work every day.

          CEO TED NORTON
          Well, you are bar none the best
          attorney I've ever worked with!

                         MITCH
          I am?! Fuck, I've never really been
          good at anything before...
          Mitch considers this a second, then laughs, proud.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          Gimme me a hug you tiny capitalist!
          Mitch hugs Ted and lifts him off the ground, spinning him.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I love you so much...

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. DODGERS STADIUM -- DAY

          A perfect, sunny day game at Dodgers stadium. Dave and
          Sabrina take their seats behind home plate.

                         DAVE

                         (AMAZED)
          These are your grandfather's seats?

                         SABRINA
          Yeah, my family's been coming to
          Dodger games since they moved here
          from Brooklyn in '58.
          Dave looks at her, his amazement only growing...

                         DAVE
          Really? Who's your favorite Dodger?

                         SABRINA
          Fernando, obviously.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          99.
          Blown away, Dave unzips his jacket to reveal a throwback
          number 34 Fernando Valenzuela jersey. She laughs.

                         SABRINA (CONT'D)
          No way!

                         DAVE
          It's too soon to say I love you,
          right? That's against the rules?
          she laughs and kisses him.

                         SABRINA
          You're cute.
          Smiling, Dave looks out at the perfect ball field, his arm
          around Sabrina-he looks profoundly... existentially.. .happy.
          And then his iPhone RINGS. He answers it:

                         DAVE
          Mitch Planko who the fuck is this.

          INTERCUT WITH: DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          sitting at her desk, talking on the phone and doing WHIPPETS
          off a can of Reddi-Wip; twenty empty cans litter her desk.

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          This is Carla Nelson from the Los
          Angeles Department of Parks.

                         DAVE
          Oh my God, hi!
          Dave steps away to take the call. Carla does another whippet.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          What's.. .going on?

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          We found that fountain. It's in our
          San Pedro warehouse.
          Dave glances back at Sabrina... and winces, conflicted:

                         DAVE
          And... and how long is it going to
          be there?

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          It ships out tonight for repairs.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          100.

                         DAVE
          And after that?

          DISTRICT MANAGER CARLA NELSON
          (doing another whippet)
          No fucking clue, dude.
          Dave gets a CALL WAITING BEEP.

                         DAVE
          Right. Okay, well thanks, Carla.
          (clicking over to other line)
          Hello?

          INTERCUT WITH: MITCH
          He's walking down the hall of his law firm, on the phone, as
          all of his peers step from their offices, APPLAUDING his
          victory, slapping him on the back, shaking his hand.

                         MITCH
          You hear about the fountain?

                         DAVE
          Yeah... We should probably switch
          back, huh?
          Mitch high-fives a co-worker.

                         MITCH
          Sure. Right. I mean... the funny
          thing is...I was just starting to
          enjoy your life a little bit...

                         DAVE
          Yeah, and I was just starting to
          enjoy yours, too...

                         MITCH
          Really?

                         DAVE
          Really.

                         MITCH
          So.. .maybe we should keep going--?

                         DAVE
          I'm so glad you said that.

                         MITCH
          I'm so glad I said that too! Your
          life rocks!

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          101.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I just closed the Amalgamated deal
          for 825 million dollars and for the
          first time ever, people actually
          respect me! It's so weird! Word is
          they're going to make me partner
          tonight! I love your life, dude!

                         DAVE
          And I love yours! All the free time
          and the fun activities and I'm
          really growing as an actor and I
          think Sabrina might actually have
          intercourse with me tonight!

                         MITCH
          Dude, you sent her flowers -- she's
          gonna fuck you like a crack whore
          on rent day.

                         DAVE
          So, wait, what are we talking about
          here? Staying like this... forever:

                         MITCH
          No! Course not.

                         DAVE
          Right! That's crazy...
          Beat.

                         MITCH
          Is it though...?
          Mitch bumps fists with smiling co-workers...
          Dave watches Sabrina CHEER after a base hit...

                         DAVE
          It's so strange, when the change-up
          happened, we were so focussed on
          switching back into our bodies that
          we didn't even consider that this
          might be exactly what we both
          needed...

                         MITCH
          Yeah, we're fucking morons.

                         DAVE
          All right, well, see ya, Dave...

                         MITCH
          Take it easy, Mitch...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          102.
          They both hang up, surprised smiles on their faces...

          SMASH CUT TO:

          A DEAFENING THUNDER-CLAP
          RAIN blankets Los Angeles that night. It's an epic storm...

          INT. CUT RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

          The private back room of this upscale Beverly Hills eatery is
          filled with the esteemed PARTNERS of Steel, Kuhbach, McCloud,
          as well as Mitch, Jamie, and little Cara. Everyone's dressed
          to the nines and enjoying fabulously overpriced food and
          drink. Then Flemming stands and DINGS his wine glass.

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Good evening, one and all!
          The room quiets as a PROJECTION SCREEN lowers behind him.

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          We are gathered here tonight to
          celebrate the newest partner in our
          esteemed firm. For those of you who
          haven't had the pleasure of working
          with this brilliant young man,
          we've prepared this short, mildly
          embarrassing presentation to
          introduce him. Please, enjoy...
          Mitch looks at Jamie, who smiles conspiratorially. Behind the
          table, Gladys turns on a projector. Some Dido song plays as,
          on the SCREEN, we start to see PHOTOS from Dave's life...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          David Andrew Lockwood was born on
          February 1st, 1974, in Palmdale...
          SHOTS of Dave as a baby appear. Everyone AWWW's. Jamie takes
          Mitch's hand...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          Dave was a sweet, diligent, hard-
          working little boy...
          A SHOT of boyhood Dave in a very dorky 70's Little League
          outfit flashes onto the screen...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          In high school, Dave belonged to
          over 17 clubs and teams, and
          graduated first in his class...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          103.
          SHOTS play of Dave in 80's high school apparel, arguing for
          the debate team, wearing a goofy beret at French Club, etc...
          Everyone LAUGHS. Jamie smiles at Mitch, only he looks a
          little troubled: this is not my life...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          After winning a full scholarship to
          Princeton, Dave amazingly graduated
          in just three years...
          A SHOT of college-age Dave getting his diploma appears...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          And, after graduating from Yale Law
          School with high honors, Dave
          clerked for Justice Souter on the
          United States Supreme Court...
          A SHOT of young Dave talking with Justice Souter plays...
          Around the table, the partners MURMUR, impressed. Mitch grows
          increasingly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          Shortly after, Dave returned west
          to marry his lifelong best friend,
          Jamie Anne Johnson...
          SHOTS roll of Dave and Jamie on their wedding day, laughing.
          Jamie squeezes Mitch's hand, a happy mist in her eyes. Mitch
          frowns: this is not my wife...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          Cara came along first, followed by
          the twins, Peter and Sarah...
          SHOTS of Dave, wearing scrubs, happily holding his various
          newborn babies in the hospital flash onto the screen...
          Cara leans over to Mitch and whispers:

                         CARA
          Look, Daddy, it's you and me!
          Mitch forces a tight smile, right...

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          And somewhere along the way, we
          were lucky enough to find him...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          104.
          SHOTS roll of Dave as a lawyer, swearing in at the Bar,
          arguing in court, and, finally, celebrating today's victory.
          The image fades as the lights in the room slowly rise...

          FLEMMING STEEL III (CONT'D)
          Industrious. Ambitious. Honorable.
          They were true of him then, they
          are even more true of him now. It
          is my distinct honor to introduce
          our newest partner, David Lockwood.
          The room breaks into heartfelt APPLAUSE.

                         PARTNERS

          HUZZAH! HUZZAH:
          Mitch squirms, hating this... Jamie leans over to him:

                         JAMIE
          I'm so proud of you, baby. You
          worked so hard for this...
          Mitch winces, knowing just how wrong she is. All around him,
          the partners stand, APPLAUDING. Mitch stands, a bit dizzy.

                         MITCH
          I-I'm sorry...I just...
          He hurries off towards the bathroom. Everyone looks confused.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

          Rain pours down outside. Then Dave and Sabrina, soaking wet
          in their Dodgers gear, run into the apartment.

                         SABRINA
          Oh my god, I'm soaking--
          (taking in barren apartment)
          Wait, are you a single guy?
          Dave laughs and throws her a towel from the bathroom. She
          starts drying her hair.

                         SABRINA (CONT'D)
          I need a beer and some dry clothes.
          When Dave passes her, though, she stops him, and starts
          kissing him...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          105.

                         SABRINA (CONT'D)
          Or maybe...mmm...maybe just a beer.

          CUT BACK TO:

          INT. CUT RESTAURANT -- MEN'S ROOM -- NIGHT

          Mitch stands in the restaurant's upscale men's room, staring
          at himself in the mirror, lost...

                         MITCH
          What am I doing...? This isn't my
          life...

                         VOICE
          Good evening, Mr. Lockwood...
          He spins to see Gladys in the doorway, vamping, sexy...

                         MITCH
          Oh no. Gladys, not now--

                         GLADYS
          (approaching, coy)
          I'm not wearing any bloomers...

                         MITCH
          I thought we talked about not using

                         THAT WORD--
          WHAM! She throws him against the bathroom wall and starts
          aggressively undressing him.

                         GLADYS
          What's bothering you, Mr. Lockwood?

                         MITCH
          Look, Gladys, I love bathroom sex
          as much as the next guy, but--
          She SPITS in his face, crazy-eyed.

                         GLADYS

          TELL ME WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU!

                         MITCH
          (wiping face, a bit scared)
          O-Okay? Well, I guess what's
          bothering me is...I didn't earn any
          of this, you know?
          Gladys rips open his shirt and starts licking his chest
          downward until she disappears OUT OF FRAME.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          106.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          And I know what you're thinking:
          Mitch, not earning things never
          used to bother you, why does it
          bother you now? And the answer is:
          maybe I'm growing up.
          We hear the sound of his pants UNZIPPING...

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          I mean, sure, I closed the deal
          today, and that felt good, but I
          didn't put in all the years of hard
          work that got Dave to this point,
          you know? Plus, those aren't my
          adorable kids, that's not my
          beautiful wife, you're not even my
          freaky deaky old lady secretary. I
          want to earn this stuff--
          Just then FLEMMING STEEL III BLOWS IN -- and stops cold:

          FLEMMING STEEL III

          GOOD GOD MAN!
          GO WIDE to see that Gladys is in the Reverse Wheelbarrow
          position, her palms on the bathroom floor, her feet against
          the bathroom wall, with Mitch between her legs, his pants
          around his ankles. Mitch sees his boss -- and freezes.

                         MITCH
          Uh oh.

          FLEMMING STEEL III

          THE REVERSE WHEELBARROW?.
          Mitch and Gladys disengage and straighten themselves.

                         MITCH
          Sir, it's not my fault--!

          FLEMMING STEEL III
          Have you forgotten everything you
          learned in law school?! You can't
          screw a direct hire! How can we
          possibly make you a partner now?!
          You're completely exposed--!
          We hear a GASP from the doorway. Everyone turns to see Jamie
          -- she's heard the whole thing. Mitch quickly zips his pants.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          107.

                         JAMIE
          I thought you might be having an
          affair... but not with Gladys:

                         GLADYS
          Age-ist.

                         MITCH
          Jamie, you gotta believe me, this
          woman is a predator--!

                         JAMIE
          You know what? No. I can't do this
          anymore. I want you out of the
          house by the time the kids wake up.

                         MITCH
          Jamie--!
          Too late. She runs off, choking back tears...

          EXT. CUT RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

          Fastening his belt, Mitch sprints out of the restaurant,
          desperate -- but Jamie is already SQUEALING away in her car.

                         MITCH
          FUCK! Fuck...
          He stands in the rain, overcome with self-loathing...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- NIGHT

          Dave, in dry clothes, sits on his couch, happily drinking a
          beer and watching SportsCenter. He calls into the bedroom.

                         DAVE
          You find anything that fits?
          Then Sabrina appears in the doorway, wearing one of his old
          tee shirts-and panties.. .and nothing else... she's unreal...

                         SABRINA
          This is all I could find...

                         DAVE

                         (WIDE-EYED)
          Holy shit.
          As she bends over to dim the lamp, her tee shirt rides up --
          exposing her perfectly tan, arched back...

                         

                         

                         

                         

          108.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          (hyperventilating, to himself)
          Please don't come, please don't

                         COME--
          And then he stops short. On Sabrina's lower back is a cute
          tramp stamp tattoo of a BUTTERFLY.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Oh my God: a Many-Spotted
          Skipperlinq...
          And everything comes rushing back. His family. His wife. His
          entire life. He looks overcome with emotion...
          Sabrina notices as she slides onto the couch with him.

                         SABRINA
          Is everything okay, baby...?

                         DAVE
          Yeah, no, I just...
          Dave rubs his temples, overwhelmed...

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          I can't do this.

                         SABRINA
          Why not--?
          Just then the door flies open and

          JAMIE STORMS INSIDE
          soaking wet, hysterical, her mascara running all over.

                         JAMIE
          Dave is cheating on me!
          Dave quickly covers his hard-on with a pillow.

                         DAVE
          No I'm not! I'm so not!

                         JAMIE
          How could you lie to me, Mitch?!
          We've known each other for--!
          Then Jamie sees scantily-clad Sabrina and stops.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          Oh.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          109.

                         SABRINA

                         (COVERING HERSELF)
          Who is this chick?!

                         DAVE
          (stammering, pointing)
          Umm...she's...uh...this just got
          very complicated...

                         JAMIE
          I'm sorry -- I'm Jamie, the wife of
          one of Mitch's friends.

                         SABRINA
          Wait, Jamie Lockwood? Dave's wife?

                         JAMIE
          You know the prick?!

                         SABRINA
          Yeah, we work together. He cheated
          on you?

                         JAMIE
          Yes, with his secretary, Gladys!

                         DAVE
          What?!

                         SABRINA
          Of all the women in the office, he
          picked her?!
          Slightly awkward beat.

                         DAVE
          Look, Jamie, I didn't know about
          Gladys, I swear. But I'm sure she
          means absolutely nothing to Dave--!

                         JAMIE
          No! No more excuses! The next time
          you see my asshole husband tell him
          that I will never. Ever. Take him
          back, you got that?!
          Dave nods quickly, terrified.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          Sabrina! It was nice to meet you!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          110.
          Barely holding it together, Jamie wheels and exits, SLAMMING
          the door behind her. Dave just stands there, holy shit...

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- NIGHT

          Mitch sadly packs children's snacks and Capri Sun's into a
          duffel bag in the darkened kitchen, hating himself. Then:

                         CARA
          Daddy?
          Mitch turns to see Cara, small and fragile in the doorway.

                         CARA (CONT'D)
          What are you doing?

                         MITCH
          Oh, angel, it's nothing. I'm just
          going away for a little while...

                         CARA
          Why?

                         MITCH
          It's... confusing grown-up stuff--

                         CARA
          Try me.

                         MITCH
          O-Okay? Well. I'm leaving because
          I'm a fuck up. Do you know what a
          fuck up is?

                         CARA

                         (NODDING)
          Like Uncle Mitch.

                         MITCH
          Right. Right. Well, I thought this
          time was different, you know? I
          thought I actually did something
          right for once. But no, I'm still
          the same old fuck up I've always
          been. Only this time I really
          fucking fucked up, because I fucked
          up my life and my best friend's
          life...
          Mitch zips up his bag, full of regret -- and finds Cara
          hugging his leg.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         CARA
          I don't think you're a fuck up.
          He crouches down and looks at her, getting choked up...

                         MITCH
          Thanks, sweetie, but your brain is
          the size of a radish. I am a fuck
          up. I always have been, and I
          always will be. Guys like me, we
          know how to have fun, but we don't
          know how to do the important stuff,
          you know...? Be good, okay, kiddo?
          She nods, confused. He kisses her head and exits, emotional.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. BMW STATION WAGON -- NIGHT

          The rain still pours down. Jamie, tears streaking her face,
          drives home in stop-and-go traffic. Then, through her side
          window, we see Dave sprinting alongside her car, waving!

                         DAVE

          JAMIE!
          Not seeing him, she accelerates forward and Dave disappears
          from view. . .until she stops, and Dave catches up again:

                         DAVE (CONT'D)

          JAMIE!
          Still not seeing him, Jamie accelerates onto

                         THE 101 FREEWAY
          where the stop-and-go traffic moves only slightly faster.
          Jamie continues quietly CRYING to herself... Then we see

          DAVE RUNNING ALONG THE SHOULDER OF THE 101
          in the driving rain, waving his hands and yelling!

                         DAVE

          JESUS JAMIE! LOOK RIGHT!
          Finally, she glances over, sees Dave -- and startles:

                         JAMIE
          Mitch?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          112.

                         DAVE

          PLEASE PULL OVER BEFORE I DIE!
          Jamie, stunned, pulls onto the shoulder and stops. A second
          later, Dave hops into the car, soaking wet and panting.

                         JAMIE
          What is the matter with you?!

                         DAVE
          Look, I know I haven't been a very
          good husband or father recently...

                         JAMIE
          What are you talking about--?

                         DAVE
          But I'm done looking over the fence
          for something better. I've seen
          what's on the other side, and it's
          great. . .and young... and supple...
          but it's not you. And the truth is
          there will always be another fence
          with shinier toys on the other
          side, but the only way to be happy
          is to say fuck the fence and just
          appreciate what you have, you know?
          Find the fun with what you got...

                         JAMIE
          O-Okay?

                         DAVE
          I'm so sorry I stopped appreciating
          you, pumpkin. I love you. And I
          love our weird little kids. And I
          can't believe I ever thought that
          wasn't enough.

                         JAMIE
          Why...are you calling me pumpkin?
          And then he kisses her. She resists--

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          Mitch--?.
          But he holds her firm. And soon she's kissing him back,
          confused and overwhelmed and crying...
          It's emotional and intense for him, too. They finally
          separate, but remain inches apart, breathing hard.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          113.
          Jamie stares into his eyes, amazed:

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          Dave?
          Dave nods. Jamie squints, trying to understand.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          But...how?
          Dave shakes his head, I don't know...

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          So...then ...Mitch was the one...
          with Gladys?
          Dave nods again. Jamie looks relieved... Then she stops.

                         JAMIE (CONT'D)
          Wait, so who was that hot young
          thing back in the apartment?

                         DAVE
          Nothing happened, I swear.

                         JAMIE
          Okay. But-we're going to need to
          talk about this.

                         DAVE
          Yes. Totally.

                         JAMIE
          Like, a lot. Like, a-therapy-lot.

                         DAVE
          Absolutely: therapy, trust falls,
          The Landmark Forum, Eat Pray Love,
          I'll do whatever the fuck you want,
          Jamie, I just want you back...
          She smiles and kisses him again. And then again.

                         JAMIE
          I kind of like kissing Mitch.

                         DAVE
          Yeah, I noticed. I'm not sure how I
          feel about this.

                         JAMIE
          (giggling, kissing him again)
          So ...mmm...so what do we do now?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          114.
          Dave suddenly remembers the fountain and looks at his watch.

                         DAVE
          Oh shit! We gotta go!

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. LOS ANGELES -- NIGHT

          As the rain tapers off, Jamie rockets through LA, running red
          lights, skidding through turns, splashing through puddles!

          EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- NIGHT

          Jamie and Dave squeal up to their house to see Mitch, out
          front, sadly trying to pack a Barcalounger into his Ferrari.

                         DAVE
          Mitch! Get in!

                         MITCH
          Dave?

                         DAVE
          Get in!

                         MITCH
          (squinting inside car)
          Is that Jamie?

                         JAMIE
          Get in the fucking car, dipshit!
          Mitch, terrified, sprints to the car and hops in.

          INT. JAMIE'S STATION WAGON -- NIGHT

          Jamie races through LA at 80 mph. Dave sits shotgun, and
          Mitch sits in the back, wide-eyed, scared:

                         MITCH
          So, um, are you guys driving me to
          the desert to kill me?

                         DAVE
          No. Jamie knows about the change-
          up. We're all good.

                         JAMIE
          It suddenly makes a lot more sense
          why you spent so much time rubbing
          my breastfeeding cream onto my
          boobs every night.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          115.

                         DAVE
          Really, dude?

                         MITCH
          I was just...trying to be helpful.

                         JAMIE
          Oh, and what about that time you--?

                         DAVE
          You know what? I don't want to
          know! Let's just hope we get to the
          warehouse before they ship off our
          fountain...
          Off Dave's concerned look we

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. SAN PEDRO -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT

          The Port of Los Angeles never sleeps. Huge diesel cranes load
          and unload freighters as tractor trailers THUNDER to and fro.

          EXT. WAREHOUSE ROW -- NIGHT

          The street is lined with WAREHOUSES. Beat. Then Jamie skids
          around the corner, Tokyo Drift-style, in her station wagon!

          DAVE (O.S.)
          There it is!
          Jamie screeches up to a warehouse labelled L.A. DEPARTMENT OF
          PARKS; she, Mitch and Dave pile out of the car and run into

          THE IMMENSE WAREHOUSE
          where they sprint down the towering aisles, past park signs,
          swingsets, jungle gyms -- and finally, fountains.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          There!
          Four WORKMEN pack the FOUNTAIN OF METIS into a large wooden
          crate for transport. Jamie, Mitch and Dave run over to them.

                         MITCH
          Wait! Stop!
          The workmen stop packing the fountain, confused.

                         DAVE
          We...We need that fountain.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          116.

                         WORKMAN #1
          You.. .need this fountain?

                         MITCH
          Yes. We have to pee in it.

                         DAVE
          It's a magic fountain.
          The workmen just look at them, deadpan. Then Dave reaches
          into his wallet and starts pulling out CASH--

          SMASH CUT TO:

          MITCH AND DAVE STANDING SIDE BY SIDE AT THE FOUNTAIN
          with their pants down around their ankles. Dave starts
          PEEING. Mitch doesn't. Dave hisses at him:

                         DAVE
          Come on, open the floodgates!

                         MITCH
          I can't pee with them watching!
          PAN OVER to the workmen, standing nearby, looking at Mitch
          and Dave like they're total freaks.

                         DAVE
          Well I can't keep going forever!
          Mitch tilts his head back and quietly sings to himself:

                         MITCH
          The sun is shining all the time,
          Looks like another perfect day, I
          love L.A. We love it! I love L.A...

                         DAVE
          Are you singing Randy Newman--?
          Then we hear a second stream of PEE hit the fountain.

                         MITCH
          Oh thank god.

                         DAVE
          Okay, quick, we have to hug!

                         MITCH
          (glancing back at workmen)
          Do we, though?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          117.

                         DAVE
          Yes, we have to do everything
          exactly the same! Come on!
          As they scootch together and put their arms around each
          other, Mitch calls over to the workmen:

                         MITCH
          Just so you know, this isn't gay!
          Our penises aren't even touching--!

                         DAVE
          Come on: "I wish I had my old life
          back" on three! One, two:

                         MITCH DAVE
          I wish I had my old life I wish I had my old life
          back! back!

          JUST THEN A THUNDER CLAP CRASHES OUTSIDE
          The lights in the warehouse flicker. Dave and Mitch finish
          peeing and slowly zip up, exchanging a worried look...

                         DAVE
          You think it worked?

                         MITCH
          How the fuck should I know?
          (waving to workmen)
          Thank you! Have a pleasant evening!

                         CUT TO:

          PEACEFUL BLACK STILLNESS
          Then we hear a baby SCREAM BLOODY MURDER. Then we hear a
          second baby join in, even more shrill than the first.
          Finally, we hear the worst two words a parent can ever hear:

          JAMIE (O.S.)
          Your turn.

                         FOLLOWED BY:

          DAVE (O.S.)

          YES!
          Dave turns on the light, rushes over to the mirror, and
          touches his face, overjoyed, clearly back in the right body.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          118.

                         DAVE (CONT'D)
          Oh thank God. Thank God. Pumpkin,
          it worked! I'm back!

                         JAMIE
          (groggy, half-asleep)
          Great, go feed the fucking babies.
           She rolls over and goes back to sleep. He grins and runs out.

          INT. NURSERY -- NIGHT

          Dave cheerfully sings as he changes Sarah's diaper.

                         DAVE
          You just vomited on my hand but I
          love yooooou...

          INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT

          Dave bounces down the hallway, a twin in each arm, SCREAMING
          into each of his ears and taking turns kicking his balls...
          and he's grinning. In fact, he couldn't look happier.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MITCH'S APARTMENT -- MORNING

          Mitch slowly wakes up in his empty apartment. He stares at
          the blank walls, a little bummed...
          Then he startles when SABRINA rolls over, looking ravishing.

                         SABRINA
          Last night was weird.

                         MITCH
          Wasn't it?

                         SABRINA
          So... are you ever going to have sex
          with me?

                         MITCH

                         (SLOWLY SMILING)
          Yes. Yes I am.

          INT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- DAY

          Jamie is cleaning up the toys in the living room -- when Dave
          nuzzles up to her from behind, seductive.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          119.

                         DAVE
          The twins are down for their nap,
          Cara is watching The
          Backyardigans...
          Jamie raises her eyebrow, oh?

                         JAMIE
          It's Tuesday...

                         DAVE
          I know.

                         JAMIE
          It's Tuesday morning.

                         DAVE
          Tuesdays, Wednesdays, mornings,
          late night, I'm like Denny's, baby,
          I'm open 24-7.
          She laughs, and he scoops her up and heads upstairs...

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. DAVE'S NEIGHBORHOOD -- DAYS LATER

          The sun sets over LA. The MUSIC in the air and the cars
          lining the street tell us that Dave is hosting a party...

          EXT. DAVE'S HOUSE -- BACKYARD

          A "CONGRATS ON GETTING A JOB, MITCH!" banner hangs from the
          swingset. Kids race about as adults drink, eat, and mingle.
          Dave, in jeans and a tee shirt, works the barbecue and talks
          to Mitch, in a jacket and tie, as he adjusts his crotch:

                         MITCH
          I still can't get used to the whole
          underwear thing. It's such a

                         SUPERFLUOUS LAYER--
          Just then CARA runs up and hugs her Dad.

                         CARA
          Hi Daddy!

                         DAVE
          Sugar-bug!

                         MITCH
          How's my favorite ballerina?!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          120.
          Cara turns, takes Mitch's hand, and flips him onto his back.

                         CARA
          I'm not a ballerina anymore, bitch.
          She races off. Mitch painfully pulls himself to his feet.

                         MITCH
          Jesus fucking Christ...
          Dave sees SABRINA, looking angelic in a sundress, chatting
          with a circle of GUESTS on the patio.

                         DAVE
          So. How's it going with Sabrina?

                         MITCH
          Great. We just celebrated our two
          week anniversary.

                         DAVE
          Wow. Good for you.
          Mitch nods, proud, I know. Swigs his beer.

                         MITCH
          You think she's fucking Fernando
          Valenzuela?
          We see that the man she's talking to is, in fact, Dodger
          great FERNANDO VALENZUELA, in a pimped-out white suit.

                         DAVE
          Maybe.

                         MITCH
          I'm oddly okay with it.

                         DAVE
          I can't believe they're family
          friends.

                         MITCH
          I know. She really is perfect--
          Just then TATIANA and KIEFER SUTHERLAND approach, wheeling
          her newborn DAUGHTER in a pram.

                         KIEFER SUTHERLAND
          I gotta go feed her baby, but
          congrats on your new gig, bro.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          121.

                         MITCH
          Thanks, Kiefer. See you guys.
          Mitch kisses Tatiana on the cheek and they head off.

                         MITCH (CONT'D)
          It's creepy that Kiefer Sutherland
          is like way into other people's
          babies, right?

                         DAVE
          Oh yeah.
          Dave flips the burgers.

                         MITCH
          Thanks again for hooking me up with
          the job at Amalgamated, man.

                         DAVE
          Hey, the CEO owed me a favor...

                         MITCH
          I think I'm really going to crush
          it in corporate America.

                         DAVE
          I think so too.
          Just then, MITCH'S DAD approaches.

          MITCH, SR.
          I'm heading out. Thanks for having
          me.
          Mitch, Sr. pulls his son into an emotional hug.

          MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
          I love you, Mitch.

                         MITCH
          I love you too, Dad.
          They break apart. Mitch, Sr. heads off. Then he stops. Turns.

          MITCH, SR.
          Hey Mitch...
          Mitch turns.

          MITCH, SR. (CONT'D)
          I'm real proud of you.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          122.
          Mitch nods, trying not to show how much this means to him.
          Mitch, Sr., heads off.
          Mitch and Dave stand side by side, reflective...

                         DAVE
          Is it weird that I miss your penis?

                         MITCH
          Not really.

          SMASH TO BLACK.