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The Hangover Movie Script

Writer(s) : Jon Lucas, Scott Moore

Genres : Comedy, Crime, Mystery, Thriller

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                                    THE HANGOVER            

          
                                     Written by
          
                               Jon Lucas & Scott Moore




          
                                                   September 30, 2007



          EXT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- PACIFIC PALISADES, CA -- MORNING

          It's a beautiful spring morning in the Palisades. High atop
          the cliffs, looking out over the Pacific Ocean, sits the
          exclusive BEL AIR BAY CLUB. Workers bustle about the lawn,
          setting up a high-end wedding.
          A STRING QUARTET warms up. A team of FLORISTS arrange
          centerpieces. CATERERS set the white linen tables...

          INT. BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          A simple, classic wedding dress hangs on a closet door in
          this sun-drenched bridal suite. Sitting at the makeup table,
          surrounded by her bridesmaids, is the beautiful bride, TRACY
          TURNER, 20's. She's busy doing her makeup.
          Just then, Tracy's rich, stern FATHER, 50's, blows in.

                              MR. TURNER
                    Any word from Doug?
          The way he spits out "Doug" tells us all we need to know
          about how Mr. Turner feels about his future son-in-law.

                              TRACY
                    No, but I'm sure he's--
          Just then, Tracy's CELLPHONE rings. She quickly answers it.

                              TRACY (CONT'D)
                    Hello?

                                                     INTERCUT WITH:

          EXT. MOJAVE DESERT -- MORNING

          Heat-waves rise off the Mojave. Standing at a lone, dust-
          covered payphone in the middle of the desert is

          VICK LENNON
          He's in his late 20's, tall, rugged -- and currently a mess.
          His shirt is ripped open, his aviator sunglasses are bent,
          his lip is bloodied, and he clearly hasn't slept in days.

                              VICK
                    Tracy, it's Vick.
          Parked on the dirt road behind Vick is his near-totalled 1967
          Cadillac Deville convertible; it's scratched, dented, filthy -
          - and missing its passenger side door.
          Slouched inside are TWO OTHER GUYS, also looking like hell.

          

                                                                      2.

          

          

                                TRACY
                    Hey Vick!

                              VICK
                    Listen, honey...The bachelor party
                    got a little out of control and,
                    well...we lost Doug.

                              TRACY
                        (her jaw dropping)
                    What?! But we're getting married in
                    like four hours!
          Vick squints at the rising sun.

                              VICK
                    Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

                                                            CUT TO:

          TITLE OVER BLACK: 40 HOURS EARLIER

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. THE 10 FREEWAY -- DAY

          The top down, The Who's "Baba O'Riley" blasting from the
          stereo, Vick's pristine Cadillac convertible rockets down
          Highway 10 towards Nevada.
          At the wheel is Vick, looking as sharp as his Caddy in a half-
          open shirt and mint condition aviators.
          Sitting shotgun is the groom, DOUG BILLINGS, late 20's,
          handsome, barefoot, crunchy -- an all around great guy.
          Behind Vick sits ALAN MERVISH, late 20's, an anal tax
          attorney from Connecticut, his Izod shirt tucked into his
          khakis. He's currently applying sun screen to his forehead.
          Next to Alan is STU PRYCE, late 20's, former high school
          linebacker and lovably dimwitted father of two. He drums the
          back of the frontseat to the music, totally pumped, like this
          is his first time out of the house in years. Because it is.

                              STU
                    Dude this is already the best
                    weekend ever!

                              VICK
                    Stu, relax, we're still on the 10.

          

                                                                      3.

          

          

                              STU
                    Oh, did I show you pictures of my
                    kids?!

                              DOUG
                    No, dude, show `em.
          Stu fishes pictures out of his wallet and eagerly shows them
          to Doug in the front seat. Doug is clearly the core of this
          group, the glue that holds these childhood friends together.

                              STU
                    Haylee is two, and Kaitlin is
                    already four! Can you believe it?!

                              DOUG
                        (smiling at photos)
                    How cute... Good for you, man.
          Doug shows the photos to Vick; he nods, impressed.

                              VICK
                    The one on the left is gonna be a
                    hottie. The other one, not so much.
          Stu protectively snatches the photos back, muttering:

                              STU
                    Jesus, dude, those are my children--

                              ALAN
                        (re: sunscreen)
                    Hey, am I rubbed in?
          Stu glances over and sees un-rubbed-in sunscreen all over
          Alan's face.

                              STU
                    Yeah, you're good.

                              DOUG
                    Hey so Alan, are you and Becky
                    still together?
          But before Alan can answer--

                              VICK
                    Of course they are, Doug. Jesus,
                    Alan's been dating Becky for 14
                    years. When they first met, Alan
                    had braces and soccer hair, and
                    Becky had a functioning hymen.

                              (MORE)

          

                                                                    4.

          

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Asking Alan if he's still with
                    Becky is like asking the sun if it
                    still rises in the east.
          The guys try not to laugh; Alan scowls.

                              DOUG
                    She still pressuring you to get
                    married?

                              ALAN
                    Enh, we've moved past the pressure
                    stage...it's more like aggravated
                    assault stage now? Like at the last
                    wedding we went to, she threw a
                    camera at my head, called me a
                    closet fag, then ran out crying.
          The guys wince, oooo.

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    But we talked, and everything's
                    cool now.

                              STU
                    Maybe you could wear a helmet to
                    Doug's wedding.

                              ALAN
                    Great idea, Stu. Thanks.

                              DOUG

                        (LAUGHING)
                    So Vick, how's business going?

                              VICK
                    Oh, great. Yeah, I'm working on
                    bringing the next big dessert craze
                    to Los Angeles. It's gonna be huge.

                              DOUG
                    What is it?

                              VICK
                    Bavarian custard. We ran the
                    numbers, and it's gonna be bigger
                    than fro yo.
          Doug and Stu nod, impressed; only Alan looks skeptical.

                              ALAN
                    Isn't custard like a trillion
                    calories--?

          

                                                                  5.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Our plan is to open three stores in
                    the Valley and then franchise it.
                    Shares are selling fast, but I can
                    probably squeeze you guys in...

                              DOUG
                    Yeah, man, count me in.

                              STU
                    Me too, man! I love pudding!
          Alan just shakes his head, unbelievable.

                              ALAN
                    Is this gonna do better than the
                    hip-hop label you started, Vick? Or
                    the topless sushi bar? Or the
                    mobile tattoo parlor--?

                              VICK
                    Tattoo-To-You was an idea ahead of
                    it's time, Alan! And don't come
                    crying to me when there's a Custard
                    Cabana on every street corner in
                    America and you didn't buy in--!

                              DOUG

                        (LAUGHING)
                    All right, all right, save it for
                    the party...
          Vick and Alan quiet. Stu is still drumming the seat.

                              STU
                    Dude! I can't believe I get to
                    party all night, and then, tomorrow
                    ...I get to sleep in! It's almost
                    too much! And FYI, if anyone gets
                    really drunk and craps themself,
                    just let me know, I can have you
                    cleaned up and partying again in
                    under three minutes. No joke. I am
                    a master of stool removal...
          They rocket off into the desert, LAUGHING...

                                                            CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "FRIDAY, 5:12 PM"

          

                                                                      6.

          

          

          EXT. LAS VEGAS -- MAGIC HOUR

          As the last rays of sun fade, the Cadillac crests the final
          hill to reveal LAS VEGAS in all its illuminated splendor...

          EXT. LAS VEGAS BLVD. -- SUNSET

          The Caddy rolls down the famed Strip. We are again reminded
          of the absurd scale of Las Vegas. The 5,000 room hotels, the
          eight lane roads, the 60 foot billboards...

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHT

          The Caddy rolls up to the Mandalay Bay. The guys hop out,
          exhilarated. Vick throws the key to the VALET...

          INT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHT

          The guys enter the glittering casino four men-wide, all
          smiling, all exuding vibe. Passing WOMEN sneak glances. Vick
          slides a drink off a nearby waitress's tray as they make for

          THE FRONT DESK
          A perfectly pressed LEBANESE MAN waits behind the front desk.
          Vick strides up, smiling, sunglasses still on.

                              FRONT DESK MAN
                    Welcome to the Mandalay Bay.

                              VICK
                    Checking in. Lennon comma Victor.
          The man types into his computer.

                              FRONT DESK MAN
                    Yes, we have you down for a one
                    night stay in an economy suite--
          Vick glances at the man's nametag; it reads "ATASHIR."

                              VICK
                    Hold it right there, Atashir. This
                    is my best friend from childhood,
                    Douglas Billings. In two days, he
                    is to marry a woman of great beauty
                    and strong teeth, do you
                    understand? A woman of gigantic
                    bosoms who will give him many, many
                    sons...
          Atashir looks confused. Alan looks embarrassed.

          

                                                                   7.

          

          

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    My two other childhood friends have
                    travelled great distances, across
                    many deserts, to be here. This
                    isn't a night in a hotel for us,
                    Atashir: this is a family reunion.
                    Perhaps you too have family
                    situated great distances away, in a
                    foreign country with much sand?
          Atashir looks like, sort of...? Vick reaches over the counter
          and touches his arm, simpatico.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Then I have but one question for
                    you, friend: if they came to town,
                    would you put them in an economy
                    suite?

                               ATASHIR
                    No, sir.

                              VICK
                    Well, then. I think one of us needs
                    to get back on his little computer
                    and find us a suitable room.
          Atashir frowns...but types away at his computer.

                              ATASHIR
                    All the deluxe rooms are taken. The
                    Dean Martin suite is available, but
                    I'd have to ask my--

                              VICK
                    Dean-o will be fine. Send up a case
                    of Cristal, two bottles of Patron,
                    four ahi sandwiches, and a crate of
                    skinless mangos...
          Vick turns to the guys:

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    You guys want anything?
          The guys stammer, too stunned to speak.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    And have Jean-Marie cook up a dozen
                    of those duck skewers I like so
                    well. He knows the ones.

                              ATASHIR
                    And how would you like to pay?

          

                                                                    8.

          

          

                              VICK
                    American Express.
          Atashir looks up to accept the card. After a beat, Vick turns
          to Alan:

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Dude, give him your AmEx.

                              ALAN
                    What?

                              VICK
                    Don't worry, we'll hit you later.
          Alan stammers.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Dude, come on, I paid for gas. Stop
                    being such a Jew.
          Alan stammers some more -- then angrily pulls out his card.

                                                              CUT TO:

          INT. THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- NIGHT

          The guys enter the room, jostling; Stu has Doug in a
          headlock. Then they freeze: the Dean Martin Suite is massive,
          complete with lounge area, two flat screen TVs, full bar and
          multiple bedrooms. The guys just gape.

                              STU
                    This is bigger than my house.
          Vick blows past them, totally unfazed.

                               VICK
                    Get dressed, ladies. We're wheels
                    up in ten.
          Stu and Doug race off to find their bedrooms, leaving Alan
          standing alone, just staring at the decadent suite.

                              ALAN
                    I am so not getting paid back.

          INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MASTER BEDROOM -- NIGHT

          Vick enters the bedroom, drops his bag, and starts changing
          his shirt -- when his cell phone RINGS. He answers.

                              VICK
                    This is Vick.

          

                                                                    9.

          

          
          Vick listens -- then grows a bit panicked:

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    He's in Vegas?! You're kidding me!

                        (WINCING)
                    All right, I'll get it. All right.
                    All right--!
          When Stu walks past, Vick turns away and covers the phone,
          trying to keep the call confidential:

                               VICK (CONT'D)
                    I said all right, dude! How many
                    more times you want me to say all
                    right?!

                        (BEAT)
                    All right. All right.
          Vick hangs up, looking uncharacteristically stressed...

          INT. THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- BATHROOM -- SAME

          Doug brushes his teeth while, at the next sink over, Alan
          selects a facial wash from his highly organized toiletries
          kit and begins washing his face.

                              ALAN
                    So, you ready for Sunday?

                              DOUG
                    Yeah. I thought I'd be nervous, but
                    I'm actually just really psyched.
          Alan nods, impressed.

                              ALAN
                    Tracy's dad still hate you?

                               DOUG
                    Oh yeah.

                              ALAN
                    Any closer to figuring out why?

                              DOUG
                    Enh, I think he wanted more for his
                    girl. I mean, I'm a teacher who
                    makes 45 grand a year, and he's a
                    titan of industry who makes 45
                    grand a day, you know? I sort of
                    get it...
                        (beat, brushing teeth)
                    Also, I'm banging his daughter. I'm
                    not sure you ever get past that.

          

                                                                  10.

          

          
          Alan smiles, yeah, there's that. Doug spits out his paste.

                              DOUG (CONT'D)
                    You got floss?
          Alan gestures towards his toiletries kit. Doug picks it up,
          starts looking for the floss. Then Alan remembers something --
          but it's too late. Doug has found the RING BOX inside Alan's
          kit, and opened it to reveal a HUGE DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING.

                              DOUG (CONT'D)
                    Holy Christ!
          Alan quickly reaches for the ring--

                              ALAN
                    Ahhh yeah, I wasn't going to tell
                    anyone about that--
          Just then, Stu wanders in, wearing only his COLORADO STATE
          BOXER SHORTS. His gut is sizable.

                              STU
                    Anyone got any nipple lube--?
                        (seeing ring)
                    Jesus would you look at the size of
                    that thing?!
          Stu grabs the ring from Doug.

                              DOUG
                    It's Alan's. For Becky.

                              STU
                    Jesus, who made this thing? Diddy?

                              ALAN
                        (clutching for ring)
                    Actually, I-I was trying to keep it
                    a secret, so--
          Just then Vick blows in, singing, effeminate:

                              VICK
                    Boy Party in the bathrooooom--!
                        (sees ring, snags it)
                    Miner's cut, 2.6 Carats, slight
                    pink tint, street value: 26, 27K.
          Vick studies it in the light. Alan just rubs his temples.

                              STU
                    Dude, it's for Becky! Alan's
                    finally going to propose!

          

                                                                  11.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Well gosh-golly, Alan Mervish, good
                    for you! Where'd you get the ring?

                              ALAN
                    Oh, it's a family heirloom. My
                    grandmother smuggled it through the
                    Holocaust, actually. I was going to
                    propose to Beck this weekend.
          Doug throws his arm around Alan, happy for him.

                               DOUG
                    Well: now we have two things to
                    celebrate!

                                                            CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "FRIDAY, 6:10 PM"

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY ROOFTOP -- NIGHT

          The guys, dressed to the nines, open the steel rooftop door
          and file out onto the flat tar roof of the Mandalay Bay; Vick
          is carrying a bottle of Patron and four hotel glasses.
          Bringing up the rear, Alan slides a wood block between the
          door and the frame so they aren't locked up here.
          The guys step out onto the dark, windy roof and take in the
          stunning panorama...the Strip...the mountains...the countless
          stars... It's breathtaking.

                              STU
                    Thish is so great! I love you guys!

                              VICK
                    Check it out, Stu's already wasted.
          Vick starts refilling everyone's glasses.

                              ALAN
                    We've only had two shots, man!

                              DOUG
                    Yeah, what happened, Stuey?! You
                    used to be able to drink us all
                    under the table!

                              STU
                    Dude, I'm a dad! I don't have time
                    to get plastered anymore! It blows!

                        (QUICKLY)
                    Am I a bad dad for saying that?

          

                                                                     12.

          

          

                                DOUG
                    What? No!

                              STU
                    Because my dad was a bad dad.

                              DOUG
                        (patting his shoulder)
                    That's true, Stuey, but you're
                    different. We've talked about this.
          Stu just stares at the guys, glassy-eyed. Beat.

                              STU
                    Have I showed you guys pictures of
                    my kids yet--?

                                ALAN & DOUG & VICK

                    YES!
          Doug laughs and raises his glass for a toast, heartfelt:

                              DOUG
                    Little toast: to Tracy, the
                    coolest, kindest, most beautiful
                    woman I've ever met. I can't
                    believe she let me come this
                    weekend -- much less agreed to
                    spend the rest of her life with me.
                    I think both will prove to be
                    massive errors of judgement on her
                    part.
          The guys chuckle, hear-hear.

                              DOUG (CONT'D)
                    And to being here, with my best
                    friends in the world. There's
                    nowhere else I'd rather be.
          The guys raise their glasses, touched.

                              DOUG (CONT'D)
                    That said, let's not get too stupid
                    tonight, okay? I'm getting married
                    in 36 hours.

                              ALAN & STU & VICK
                    No, no. / We'll be good. / Totally,
                    dude.
          Doug lowers his glass, laughing, completely unconvinced.

          

                                                                    13.

          

          

                              DOUG
                    I'm serious, dudes! Nothing above
                    the neck -- no piercings, no weird
                    haircuts, no facial tattoos. I
                    gotta look decent on Sunday.

                              VICK
                    Jesus, what do you take us for?

                              DOUG
                    Vick: you shaved Alan's eyebrows
                    off the night before graduation!

                              STU
                    Oh yeah! That was hilarious! And
                    remember when I blacked out at
                    Homecoming and you wrote on my face
                    with permanent marker?! That was
                    awesome! What'd you write again?

                              ALAN & DOUG & VICK
                    "Respect me!"
          They all laugh. Stu throws his arm around Doug, nostalgic.

                              STU
                    Ahh, good times, man. Good times...

                              VICK
                    We'll be good tonight, Doug.

                              ALAN
                    Seriously, man, we're your friends.

                              STU
                    Yeah, we've totally grown up since
                    then.
          Doug looks at them, highly dubious, then hoists his glass.

                              DOUG
                    Well then...to a night we'll never
                    forget.
          They CLINK glasses, shoot their shots, and

                                                         SMASH CUT TO:

          THE NEXT MORNING
          Shafts of white desert sunlight pour into

          

                                                                   14.

          

          

          THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE
          THE CAMERA follows a LIVE CHICKEN as it walks through the
          totalled suite.
          Furniture is broken, the minibar ransacked, and the floor is
          covered with remnants of the night before: empty beer cans,
          platefuls of room service food, a cowboy hat, the Gideon
          Bible, half-eaten skinless mangos, a bra, a battle axe, etc.
          SNORING on the couch, wearing only his jeans and one shoe,
          the word ASSHOLE written in Sharpie across his chest, is Stu.

          TITLE CARD: "SATURDAY, 11:15AM"
          The chicken struts across the top of the couch, until it
          reaches a plastic coin cup from Bellagio blocking its path.
          Beat. Then the chicken pecks it off...onto Stu.
          The cup hits Stu in the face, and stale beer splashes all
          over him. Stu spastically jerks awake and flips off the
          couch, onto a pile of newspapers.

                              PILE OF NEWSPAPERS
                    OWW! Get off! Get off! Jesus!
          Confused, Stu clambers off the pile of newspapers -- to find
          Vick sleeping underneath, on the floor, fully dressed. Vick
          pulls himself onto the couch, clearly in pain.

                              VICK
                    Damn, dude, why are you retarded?
          Both men are ragingly hungover.
          A long beat as both of them rub their faces, then:

                                 VICK (CONT'D)
                    Um, Stuey?

                                 STU
                    Yo.

                              VICK
                    Why do you have a mullet?
          Stu does, in fact, have a mullet haircut. But he's too
          hungover to understand.

                                 STU
                    What?

          

                                                                     15.

          

          

                              VICK
                    You know, business on top, party
                    down the back?
          Stu still looks confused. This is excruciating for Vick.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Your hair, dude. You have a mullet.
          Stu touches his hair. Then he stumbles into the bathroom.
          After a beat, we hear his voice:

                              STU (O.S.)
                    Dude...I have a mullet.
          Then we hear ALAN'S VOICE in the bathroom, groggy:

                              ALAN (O.S.)
                    Just give me ten more minutes,
                    Beck...

                              STU (O.S.)
                    Whoa, did you sleep in the tub?
          Beat, then Stu pokes his head out of the bathroom.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Check it out: Alan slept in the
                    tub.

                              VICK
                    Get him up. I'm hungry.
          Stu disappears back into the bathroom. We hear the SHOWER
          turn on. Beat. Then we hear Alan slowly awaken:

                              ALAN (O.S.)
                    Wet. Water. Jesus, what's--?!
          There's a THUD as Alan falls out of tub. Beat.
          Then Stu and a very confused, very hungover, very wet Alan
          stumble out of the bathroom.
          Alan appears to be wearing his polo shirt from the night
          before. Only, as we PULL BACK, we see that his shirt is cut
          off at his chest -- he's naked from there down.

                              VICK
                    Jesus, dude, put away your sack.
          Alan looks down at his hairy nakedness, totally bewildered.

          

                                                                    16.

          

          

                              STU
                    Yeah, and it might be time for some
                    manscaping, bro. Your bush looks
                    like Yanni.
          Alan looks back up again, squinting, hungover.

                              ALAN
                    What did we do last night?

                                                              CUT TO:

          INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

          The guys, now dressed, stagger out of their suite moments
          later. Stu walks incredibly bow-legged, like an aging cowboy.

                              STU
                    Dude, why is my ass killing me...?

          INT. ELEVATOR -- MOMENTS LATER

          Looking like crap, the guys silently descend in the elevator.
          BING! The elevator opens to expose a NICE-LOOKING COUPLE
          waiting to get on. They see the guys and immediately step
          away from the elevator.

                              MAN
                    We'll...we'll get the next one.
          The doors close. The guys continue to descend. Beat.

                              VICK
                    We might not smell very good.
          The guys shake their heads, yeah, no.

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. MANDALAY BAY -- BREAKFAST BUFFET -- DAY

          The guys slouch in a booth, shoveling masses of buffet food
          into their mouths, washing it down with huge mugs of coffee.

                              STU
                    This might be the worst hangover
                    anyone has ever had, ever.

                              ALAN
                    I can't taste anything.

          

                                                                  17.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Please stop talking. If I don't
                    focus on eating I'm going to throw
                    up all over myself.
          The guys nod, right. They keep eating. After a long while:

                              ALAN
                    Hey... Are we missing something?
          The guys all slowly look around. Then Stu points at Alan:

                              STU
                    Yes: I left my hat in the room --
                    thank you, Alan.
          They continue eating. Alan looks up again, still troubled.

                              ALAN
                    No. That's not it... There's
                    something else...
          Vick nods at Stu as he stuffs food in his mouth.

                              VICK
                    You gonna finish that cruller?
          Stu shakes his head, no. Vick takes it, packs it into his
          already stuffed mouth. Then Alan realizes:

                              ALAN
                    Doug. Guys, where's Doug?
          The guys look around. Hunh.

                              STU
                    Yeah. He's not here.

                              VICK
                    Probably left him in the room.
          Vick pulls out his cell phone, starts dialing.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    I'll call his cell.
          Then a phone RINGS in Stu's pocket. He answers:

                              STU
                    Good morning, this is Stu?

                              VICK
                    It's me, meatdick.

          

                                                                     18.

          

          

                              STU
                        (to Alan, concerned)
                    It's Vick--
          Then Stu realizes. Oh.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    This is Doug's phone.
          Vick nods, ya. He's already dialing another number.

                              ALAN
                    You calling the room?
          Vick nods, uh-huh. He lets it ring, rubbing his temples. Then
          he hangs up.

                                 VICK
                    No answer.
          Vick goes back to eating. Alan frowns.

                              ALAN
                    Ummm...shouldn't we look for him?
                    Check-out is in like ten minutes.

                              STU
                    Yeah, and we told Tracy we'd have
                    Doug back to LA by five.
          Vick just looks at both of them, his mouth full of food:

                              VICK
                    I'm eabing.

                              ALAN
                    What an asshole. Stu, check the
                    pool and the casino, I'll check the
                    room and the gym. Maybe he's
                    working out or something...
          Stu nods, and they slowly slide out of the booth.

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    And Vick, if you could keep a close
                    eye on the buffet, that'd be really
                    helpful. Thanks, man.
          Alan and Stu saunter off. Vick yells after them, mouth full:

                              VICK

                    HE'S FIME! YOU'RE OBERWEACTING!

          

                                                                  19.

          

          
          Vick scowls, and angrily takes Alan's last cruller.

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MOMENTS LATER

          Alan weaves through the totalled suite, half-awake.

                              ALAN
                    Doug...? Doug...? Wake up, man.
          Alan enters the bedroom where Doug slept, and stops. It takes
          him a second to realize what's wrong:

          THE BED IS MISSING
          There are four indentations on the carpet where it once lay.
          Alan scratches his head.

                              ALAN
                    That's weird...

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- POOL -- DAY

          Stu, walking bow-legged, squinting painfully in the bright
          sun, tries to inspect everyone lying around the huge pool.
          Doug? Doug? Several HOT WOMEN in bikinis sit up, disgusted!

                              STU
                    No, no. It's cool, I'm a dad. It's
                    totally cool...

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. GYM -- DAY

          Alan stumbles through the gym, looking for Doug. The place is
          packed with fit people, working out. Alan mumbles to himself:

                              ALAN
                    I hate you all...

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. CASINO FLOOR -- NICKEL SLOTS

          Stu wanders through the casino, calling out, incredibly loud:

                              STU

                    DOUG! DOUG!
          Two GAY MEN in identical tank tops pass by, holding hands.

          

                                                                  20.

          

          

                               GAY MAN
                    Hey Stu.

                              STU
                    Hey guys. DOUG! DOUG--!
          Then Stu registers what just happened. He stops and turns
          around -- enh? -- but the gay men are gone.
          Before he can comment, however, he sees Vick and Alan
          talking to Atashir at

          THE RECEPTION DESK
          He slowly bow-legs himself over.

                              STU
                    You find Doug?

                              ALAN
                    No, I assume you didn't either?
          Stu shakes his head, no. Then Atashir hangs up his phone.

                              ATASHIR
                    There is no Doug Billings at any of
                    the area hospitals, morgues, or
                    police stations.
          The guys frown, starting to grow worried.

                              STU
                    Maybe he went for a jog?

                              ALAN
                    Dude. It's 120 degrees outside.

                              STU
                    Or shopping?
          The guys just look at him like: you're an idiot.

                              ALAN
                    Great. So we've officially lost
                    Doug. His wedding is in what, 22
                    hours?

                              VICK
                    Relax, it's Doug, he's probably
                    crashed out on someone's couch
                    right now. All we have to do is
                    retrace our steps from last night,
                    and we'll find him.

          

                                                                  21.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    Okay, so last night...
          The guys wince, trying to remember. It's painful to think.

                              VICK
                    Well, we started on the roof...

                              ALAN
                    Right, that was like, 6ish...?

                              VICK
                    Then...I think...we had steaks at
                    the Palm?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah. Then...we played craps at the
                    Hard Rock...maybe?

                              VICK
                    That sounds right...
          Stu throws up his arms, already giving up.

                              STU
                    Okay, honestly? I don't even
                    remember going to dinner.

                              VICK
                    I vaguely recall...doing body shots
                    ....at some point? Is that...maybe?

                               ALAN
                    I'm pretty much blank after The
                    Hard Rock.

                              VICK
                    I think we went to the Flamingo
                    after that...? And then, I just
                    remember a lot of blue light...and
                    the overpowering smell of baby oil.

                              ALAN
                    So that was what, 10ish?

                              VICK
                    Give or take.

                              STU
                    Was Doug still with us?
          Vick rubs his temples, trying to fight through the hangover.

          

                                                                  22.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Yes. Yes. Doug was with us. I
                    tackled him...for some reason.
          The guys nod, okay, okay.

                              ALAN
                    Okay. So we only have a 13 hour
                    window where we could've lost him.
          They guys frown. Shit. Stu puts his hands into his pockets,
          thinking... Then he feels something. A matchbook.
          He pulls it out. It's from The Flamingo Nightclub.

                              STU
                    Hey! Look, we were at the Flamingo.
          A long beat of silence...
          Then the guys hurry to an empty BLACKJACK TABLE and start
          emptying their pockets of the detritus from the night before.
          They find matchbooks, receipts, room keys, a valet ticket...

                              ALAN
                    ATM receipt from the Rio at 10:37--
                        (reading it)
                    For 600 dollars?!

                              VICK
                    The valet ticket says we returned
                    here at 4:57AM.

                              STU
                    We drove last night?
          The guys wince, jesus...

                              ALAN
                    Here's a receipt from Sbarro. The
                    meal was comped for some reason--

                              VICK
                    Why do we have a matchbook from The
                    Golden Pony All Male Revue?
          The guys exchange a look, alarmed.

                              ALAN
                    Someone could've given that to us.

          

                                                                    23.

          

          

                              STU
                        (laughing, nervous)
                    Yeah, totally! There's no way we
                    went there! We're not gay! Hahaha!
          They frown, then stare at all the clues lined up on the
          blackjack table.

                              ALAN
                    I think we should call Tracy.

                              VICK
                    Absolutely not.

                              ALAN
                    What if Doug called her? She might
                    know where he is.
          Stu shifts uncomfortably, tenderly adjusting his ass.

                              STU
                    Yeah, I'm with Alan on this one.

                              VICK
                    Of course you're with Alan, you're
                    both gutless cowards. But we're not
                    calling Tracy. You never call the
                    bride from the bachelor party.
                    Ever. If my balls were on fire and
                    Tracy was sitting next door with a
                    tall glass of water, I still
                    wouldn't call her. It's a rule.

                              ALAN
                    But shouldn't we at least tell her
                    we're gonna be getting home late?

                              VICK
                    She has a watch, she'll figure it
                    out.

                              ALAN
                    I think I'm beginning to see why
                    you're always single.

                              VICK
                    And I think I'm beginning to see
                    why you're always a douche--

                              STU
                        (clutching his ass)
                    Guys, wait. I need your help -- oh
                    my God -- like right now. Come on.

          

                                                                    24.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    Jesus, what is it?

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

          Vick and Alan unhappily stand in the lavish, gold-ensconsed
          men's room, watching Stu painfully undo his jeans.

                              VICK
                    I can't believe we're doing this.

                              STU
                    You don't have to look up my butt,
                    just at it. Something is terribly,
                    terribly wrong...
          Stu's jeans fall to the ground -- and everyone freezes.

          
          He's wearing a snug FLUORESCENT PINK G-STRING with "I
          ROGER" written vertically down the front. In glitter.

                              ALAN
                    Sweet mother of mercy...

                              VICK
                    Who's Roger?

                              STU
                    I-I-I don't know?! What do you
                    think it means?!

                              VICK
                    What do I think it means? Well,
                    Stuart, your ass is all torn up and
                    you're wearing thong underwear
                    declaring your love for another
                    dude -- I don't think we need the
                    CSI team for this one! You got
                    reamed last night, man!
          Stu covers his mouth, horrified!

                              ALAN
                    I'm sure there's a perfectly
                    logical explanation for this...

                              STU
                    Really?! What?!
          Alan tries to think of one.

          

                                                           25.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, maybe there isn't.

                              VICK
                    Look, I'm sure Roger is a very
                    nice, considerate young man--

                              STU
                    Oh my God, guys: what if I'm gay?!

                              VICK
                    Come on, Stu, you're nowhere near
                    cool enough.

                              STU
                        (gasping, realizing)
                    I do watch Dancing With The Stars
                    with the kids!

                              ALAN
                    Oh god, that doesn't mean you're
                    gay.

                              VICK
                    But sort of...it does?
          Stu grows increasingly frantic.

                              STU
                    And once, I caught myself gazing at
                    a topless photo of David Beckham!

                              ALAN
                    So what, he's a great-looking dude--

                              STU
                    And then I had those weird feelings
                    for Vick that time in middle
                    school, remember?!
          Everyone stops. Vick most of all.

                                VICK
                    Um, what?

                              STU
                    Yeah, that weekend we were all
                    camping -- I told you this.

                              VICK
                    Yeah, no you didn't.

                                STU
                    I didn't?

          

                                                                    26.

          

          

                              VICK
                    I think I'd remember, dude.

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, I think we'd all remember.

                               STU
                    Yeah. I had weird feelings for you
                    that weekend. Like really hot,
                    really gay feelings. But then they
                    went away.
          Vick is just looking at him, stunned.

                              ALAN
                    Wait -- I was there that weekend.
                    Did you have gay feelings for me?

                              VICK
                    Unbelievable.

                              ALAN
                    What?! I was a good-looking kid!

                              VICK
                    Please, you're so not his type!

                              STU
                    Wait, what?
          Just then, a FATHER and his YOUNG SON enter the men's room
          and see Stu standing there, pants down, in his G string...

                              VICK
                    Look, Stu, one homosexual
                    experience doesn't mean you're
                    permanently gay, okay? A lot of
                    guys test the waters.
          ...the FATHER and SON wheel right back around and exit.

                              ALAN
                    All right, we're scaring the
                    children. Let's go.
          The guys head for the door. Stu quickly pulls up his pants.

                              STU
                    Wait -- so have either of you
                    tested the waters?

                              VICK
                    No! We're not gay!

          

                                                                  27.

          

          
          Stu looks highly confused as he follows them out onto

          THE CASINO FLOOR
          The guys power through the crowded casino, towards the exit.
          Stu tries to keep up, genuinely concerned.

                              STU
                    How am I going to tell my wife?

                              VICK
                    Quickly, and from a great distance.
          Alan's hand accidentally hits a brass railing and CLINKS...

                              STU
                    Jesus, what kind of father am I?
          Alan's hand CLINKS against the railing again, and this time
          it registers. Alan looks down -- and stops cold.

                                 ALAN
                    Oh my God.

                              STU
                        (really scared)
                    You think Erin will try to take the
                    kids--?

                              ALAN
                    Oh...my...God.

                              VICK
                        (turning, annoyed)
                    What now?
          Alan holds up the source of his CLINKING: on his ring finger
          is a huge, tacky, silver WEDDING RING with a unicorn on it.

                              STU
                        (not getting it)
                    Cool ring. Also, my Dad is gonna
                    have a field day with this.
          Vick, however, recognizes the implications of the ring, and
          starts back towards Alan.

                              VICK
                    Oh my God... Oh my God...

                              STU
                    What's the big--?
                        (finally realizing)
                    Oh! OH! OH!

          

                                                                   28.

          

          
          Alan steadies himself against a SLOT MACHINE, and shakily
          takes off the massive unicorn ring.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Maybe it's not a wedding ring?

                              ALAN
                        (reading inscription)
                    "To My Noble Husband, Alan."
          The guys eyes bulge, oh shit!

                              STU
                    This is worse than my underwear!
          Vick takes the ring and reads the rest of the inscription:

                              VICK
                    "Now & Forever Wedding Chapel."
          They guys exchange a look.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Well, at least it's a lead.
          Beat. Then Alan turns and THROWS UP all over the slot
          machine. Nearby OCTOGENARIAN SLOT PLAYERS look over,
          disgusted -- but continue playing their nickels.

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- VALET STAND -- DAY

          The three guys exit the hotel looking like crap. Vick hands
          his ticket to the valet. Alan chews mint gum.

                              VICK
                    So, we go to the wedding chapel, we
                    find out what we did with Doug, we
                    recover him, and we're back in LA
                    before sundown. Easy as Stu's ass.
          No one laughs. Tense SILENCE as they wait for the car.

                              STU
                    Check it out, some idiot threw his
                    bed out the window last night.
          Stu points over at a huge stone GRIFFIN in front of the hotel
          with an ENTIRE BED impaled upon its ear.

                              ALAN
                    That was us, dude.

          

                                                                    29.

          

          

                              STU
                    Really?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, there's no bed in Doug's
                    room.

                               STU

                        (FROWNING)
                    Oh. Well, I'm sure we had a good
                    reason for doing it.

                        (BEAT)
                    You think they'll charge us for--?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, Stu, I really do.

                              VICK
                    Guys, relax. Everything's gonna be
                    cool...
          Just then the Valet drives up in

          VICK'S DESTROYED CADILLAC
          The exterior is scratched and filthy, like it's been off-
          roading. The hubcaps are gone, as is the front passenger side
          door. A wisp of STEAM trails up from under the hood.
          The guys just stand there, agape.

                              STU
                    You okay, Vick?

                               VICK
                    I'm not emotionally prepared to
                    talk about it just yet, Stuart, but
                    thank you.
          Vick dons his sunglasses and heads for his destroyed car...

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          THE GUYS ROLLING DOWN THE STRIP
          in their ridiculous car. Cars full of FAMILIES, cute GIRLS,
          even NUNS, point and stare. Our guys just face forward, each
          quietly suffering in their own personal Hell.

                              ALAN
                    Seriously: what am I gonna tell
                    Becky? For 14 years she's been
                    begging me to get married...

          

                                                                    30.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Well, now you did. Just not to her.
          Alan glowers at the city going by... Then he sits up--

                              ALAN
                    Wait, is that homeless guy wearing
                    Doug's shirt?
          The guys turn to see a HOMELESS GUY weaving down the sidewalk
          in Doug's DISTINCTIVE ORANGE SHIRT from the night before.
          Once they pass, the guys exchange a look.

                                 STU
                    Naaah.

                              VICK
                    Yeah, that was a different shirt.
          Alan doesn't look so sure. They drive in silence. Then:

                                 VICK (CONT'D)
                    Left turn.
          Stu, sitting shotgun, braces against the empty doorframe so
          as not to fall out of the car as they turn left...

          EXT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAY

          Sitting in an East Vegas strip mall, sandwiched between a
          laundromat and a pawn shop, is the pink Now & Forever Wedding
          Chapel. The Cadillac parks in the lot out front.

          INT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAY

          Everything in the small, tacky wedding chapel is white
          plastic. White plastic plants, white plastic cross, white
          plastic chairs. The guys enter.

                              ALAN
                    What if they don't remember us--?

                                 VOICE BEHIND THEM

                    AAAAYYYYY!
          The guys turn to find the hirsute owner of the chapel, STEVE
          GIANOPOLUS, 40's, in a tight white suit, his arms spread
          wide. Steve is all Vegas, by way of Long Island.

                              STEVE
                    How are you, you dumb bastards?!

          

                                                                  31.

          

          
          He warmly hugs the guys. They have zero memory of him, and it
          shows as they hug back weakly, unfamiliar...

                              STEVE (CONT'D)

                    CARLA, GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT HERE!

                    ALAN AND THE BOYS ARE HERE!
                        (to the guys)
                    You here to pick up your wedding
                    photos?!
          Alan starts to decline, when--

                              VICK
                    Does the pope wear a funny hat?!
                    Let's do this thing!
          Steve CACKLES and guides them over to a table; Alan scowls.

                              STEVE
                    And where is Chastity today?
          They all sit on white plastic chairs.

                              ALAN
                    W-Who's...Chastity?

                              STEVE

                        (LAUGHING)
                    Your wife, man--! AWW, you're just
                    breaking my balls!
          Alan looks ill. Laughing, Steve retrieves a folder and starts
          laying out a series of WEDDING PHOTOS on the table. Vick
          eagerly peruses them, enjoying this.

                               VICK
                    Uh, it was such a lovely ceremony,
                    wasn't it?

                              STEVE
                    Hand to God, I've never seen two
                    people more in love!

                              VICK
                    Sadly, I believe you...
          The guys look at the photos of Alan's wedding from the night
          before. They're typical wedding shots, only the guys are all
          wearing MEDIEVAL COSTUMES, swords, bows, tights, even armor.
          They look incredibly happy -- and incredibly drunk.
          The next photo is of Alan and his BUSTY BLONDE BRIDE. She's
          having a blast in a white medieval gown and tiara.

          

                                                                  32.

          

          

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Hello, Chastity...
          Alan just closes his eyes, oh God.

                              ALAN
                    I am never...ever...drinking again.

                              STU
                    Jesus, she is stacked.

                              VICK
                    Stu, please, show some class.
                    That's Alan's wife you're talking
                    about.

                              STU
                        (to Alan, guilty)
                    Sorry. She looks really nice.
          But Alan is too busy gaping at the next photo, of him and
          Chastity atop a UNICORN in the chapel. (It is, of course, a
          rented pony with a lame horn strapped to its head.)

                              ALAN
                    We got a unicorn?!

                              STEVE
                    Oh, yeah, you got the entire Double
                    Camelot Package.
          Alan just rubs his temples, oh no.

                              ALAN
                    A-And how much did that cost?

                              STEVE
                    7 thousand dollars.
          Alan closes his eyes. Stu and Vick exchange a look, no way!

                              STEVE (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, you didn't want to get it,
                    either, but Vick insisted.
          Beat. Then Alan pounces across the table at Vick!

                              ALAN
                    I'm gonna kill you!

                              VICK
                        (fending him off)
                    You can't put a pricetag on love,
                    Alan! OW! You just can't!

          

                                                                    33.

          

          
          Stu hops up and starts pulling Alan off of Vick.

                              VOICE BEHIND THEM

                    STOP FIGHTING IMMEDIATELY!
          The guys straighten like schoolboys as Steve's wife CARLA,
          40's, enters. She's wearing a toga, smoking a menthol, and
          dollying in several large CARDBOARD BOXES. Then she grins:

                              CARLA
                    Ahhh! I'm just busting your nuts!
          She lowers the dolly and hurries over for hugs.

                              CARLA (CONT'D)
                    Good to see you, you stupid mooks!
          Stu and Alan force smiles, no idea who this woman is. Vick,
          on the other hand, steps forward and hugs her tightly.

                              VICK
                    It's good to be seen, Carla. It's
                    good to be seen.

                              CARLA
                    I brought the rest of your package.
          Carla begins unloading things from the cardboard boxes.

                              CARLA (CONT'D)
                    First: Two dozen commuter mugs...
          She unpacks 24 COMMUTER MUGS with Alan and Chastity's photo
          emblazoned on them. Alan winces, oh god. Stu grabs one:

                              STU
                    No way! Awesome!

                              STEVE
                    A hundred DVDs of the ceremony...
          She lays out the stacks of DVDs. Vick nods at Alan:

                              VICK
                    For you and Chastity to watch on
                    your anniversary...
          Alan just clenches his jaw, I fucking hate you.

                              CARLA
                    The velvet wall hanging...
          She pulls out a six foot air-brushed velvet WALL HANGING of
          Alan and Chastity riding the unicorn together in outer space.

          

                                                                    34.

          

          

                              VICK
                    And it looks like real velvet,
                    Alan, so no machine wash, okay?

                              CARLA
                    And the big finish:
          Vick and Stu do a DRUMROLL on the table, excited...
          Then Carla pulls out a FOUR FOOT BRONZE SHIELD with a bas-
          relief of Alan and Chastity MAKING OUT on it. Alan just
          closes his eyes.

                                 STU

                    HOLY CRAP!

                              VICK

                    DUDE, YOU HAVE A SHIELD!

                              STU
                    I want a shield!

                              VICK
                    Me too! Hey, can Stu and I get a
                    shield?

                              ALAN
                    I don't suppose you have any sort
                    of return policy, do you?

                              STEVE
                    Um...if you know another couple who
                    looks exactly like you guys, and
                    who want two dozen commuter mugs, a
                    wall hanging, and a shield...sure.
          Alan scowls. Then his cellphone RINGS. He angrily answers it
          without looking at the Caller ID.

                                 ALAN
                    What.
          We hear someone YELLING AT HIM. Alan's eyes bulge.

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    Oh, hey Becky! Hi!
          He steps away to take the call. Vick explains to Carla:

                              VICK
                    That's his girlfriend of 14 years.
                    I'm sure this'll only take a
                    minute...

          

                                                                  35.

          

          
          Vick and Stu go back to looking at the wedding photos as Alan
          tries to talk to his furious girlfriend.

          INTERCUT WITH:

          BECKY
          in her Laura Ashley bedroom, angrily packing up her suitcase.
          She's beautiful and preppy in pearls and a sweater set.

                              BECKY
                    Can you tell me why all the goddamn
                    credit cards are maxed out?!

                              ALAN
                    No! I-I have no idea--!
          Then Vick calls over from the white plastic table, pissed:

                              VICK

                    HEY ALAN, HOW COME I WASN'T YOUR

                    BEST MAN, DUDE!

                              STU

                    YEAH, WHAT THE HELL, ME EITHER!

                    WHY'D YOU PICK DOUG?!
          Alan waves at them, shut the hell up! But Becky has heard.

                              BECKY
                    "Your best man?!" What's going on
                    there, Alan?!

                              ALAN
                    Nothing! Baby, nothing, the GUYS

                    ARE JUST BEING DICKS!

                              VICK

                    HEY ALAN, YOU WANT ALL YOUR WALLET-

                    SIZED WEDDING PHOTOS, OR CAN I

                    BOGART A FEW?!
          Alan furiously flips them off, shut up!

                              BECKY
                    I really don't appreciate being
                    mocked right now, Alan, especially
                    about wedding-related issues. You
                    know how hard this weekend is going
                    to be for me.

                              ALAN
                    I know, baby! I know--

          

                                                                  36.

          

          

                              BECKY
                    So you'll call the credit card
                    company and straighten this out?

                              ALAN
                    Yes. I will. I promise.

                              BECKY
                    Okay. Okay...
                        (beat, calming)
                    Look, sorry I'm so tense... I'll
                    see you soon, okay? Love you.
          But Alan is just staring at the BRONZE SHIELD of him making
          out with his blonde bombshell wife...

                              BECKY (CONT'D)
                    Alan? Hello? I said I love you?!

                              ALAN
                    Yes, no, I love you too!
          Becky hangs up, rolling her eyes, unbelievable.
          STAY WITH ALAN as he closes his cellphone. Exhales.

                              STU
                    Hey, how's Becky doing, man?!

                              VICK
                    Yeah, did she ask about us?!
          Off of Alan's hate-filled glare, we

                                                            CUT TO:

          STEVE AND THE GUYS SCHLEPPING ALL OF THE WEDDING CRAP
          through the strip mall parking lot, back to their car. Alan
          sullenly carries the GIANT BRONZE SHIELD.

                              STU
                    Look on the bright side, Alan. Vick
                    found a great clue.

                              VICK
                    Turns out Doug was in all the
                    wedding photos, which means -- if
                    the time stamp was right -- we had
                    him in our possession until 11 pm.

          

                                                                  37.

          

          

                              STU
                    That's another hour of last night
                    that we can account for. Isn't that
                    great?

                              ALAN
                        (bitterly sarcastic)
                    Amazing.

                              VICK
                    Hey, Steve, you don't happen to
                    know where we were heading when we
                    left here last night, do you?

                              STEVE
                    Well, the Double Camelot Package
                    comes with a five course wedding
                    feast, so I assume you went there.

                              STU
                    Great -- where was the feast?

                              STEVE
                    Sbarro, over in the Fremont mall.

                                                            CUT TO:

                              ALAN (V.O.)
                    I paid 7 grand for Sbarro?!

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- MOMENTS LATER

          The beatup Caddy is packed with wedding crap. Vick is busy
          trying to reverse the overloaded car out of the parking spot.
          Stu's in the backseat with the huge shield, while Alan
          seethes up front.

                              VICK
                    Your negativity is like a little
                    black cloud over our car, Alan.
                    You've got to let go of this.

                              ALAN
                    Let go of what, exactly, Vick?! The
                    fact that I married a complete
                    stranger last night? Or that my
                    girlfriend's about to leave me? Or
                    that I'm broke? Which one?!

                              VICK
                    You're broke? I thought you were

                    LOADED--

          

                                                                  38.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    I know you think it's like
                    terminally uncool to be in a
                    committed relationship, Vick, but I
                    actually love Becky, okay?

                        (SINCERE)
                    I-I honestly don't know what I'd do
                    without her...I really don't...
          Alan looks off, lost, sick. Vick stops the car short.

                              VICK
                    Alan. Honey. Have you considered,
                    even for a second, that maybe the
                    things we do when we're drunk are
                    what we secretly want to do?

                              ALAN
                        (dripping with sarcasm)
                    Yeah, no, you're absolutely right,
                    Vick, I've always secretly wanted
                    to marry a bottle blonde with big
                    fake melon tits named Chastity!

                              STU
                    I ain't mad atcha, dude...

                               VICK
                    Or, after 14 years, maybe you don't
                    have the balls to leave Becky, and
                    this is your way of getting her to
                    leave you.

                              ALAN
                    I was going to propose to her this
                    weekend, you jackass!

                              VICK
                    All the more reason to freak out.
          Alan opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. Vick
          nods, chew on that, and continues slowly reversing the car.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    I love you, Alan Mervish, I do, but
                    you've always had a major pole up
                    your ass. Maybe last night was your
                    inner cool person trying to get out-

                              ALAN
                    I swear to God, Vick, if you say
                    one more word to me, I will destroy
                    you.

          

                                                                  39.

          

          

                              STU
                    Guys, come on, let's not use our
                    angry words--

          SMASH!
          A baseball bat SHATTERS the windshield! The guys all jump!
          Vick slams on the brakes!

                              VICK
                    What the--?!
          They look up to see two MASSIVE SAMOAN MEN in loud Hawaiian
          shirts, KALOLO FANALUA and KIKIOLANI, 30's, standing on
          either side of the car. And they look pissed.

                              KALOLO FANALUA
                    Get out of the car, Vick.
          Stu and Alan recoil in terror.

                              STU
                    Who are these guys?!

                              VICK
                    Stu, please.
                        (to Kalolo Fanalua)
                    I think there's been some sort of
                    mistake, Mister...?

                              KALOLO FANALUA
                    I'm Mr. Shut The Hell Up And Get
                    The Hell Outta The Car, and this is
                    my associate, Mr. Smash You In The
                    Teeth If You Say Another Word.

                              VICK
                        (beat, to Alan)
                    Those so aren't their real names.

                              ALAN
                    Vick, don't be a dick--!

                              VICK
                    Alan? Relax. These men aren't going
                    to hurt us. They're from Hawaii.

          SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
          Kikiolani starts viciously smashing the car!

                              KALOLO FANALUA
                    We're from Guam, bitch! Now get
                    outta the car!

          

                                                                    40.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Okay, okay! Cool it with the bat!
                    Jesus, why is everyone trying to
                    kill my car...?
          Vick undoes his seatbelt   and reaches for his door handle.
          Kikiolani lowers his bat   -- and Vick throws the door open,
          right into his nuts! The   huge Samoan staggers back, OWWW, and
          Vick slams his door shut   and

          FLOORS IT OUT OF THERE IN REVERSE!
          The Caddy sideswipes a car, hops the curb, and lands on the
          street! They SQUEAL AWAY, the huge bronze shield flying out
          of the backseat as they do! It CLATTERS on the pavement...

          EXT. EAST VEGAS STREET -- CONTINUOUS

          Vick drives like the wind, trying to see around the huge
          SPIDERWEB in the windshield. Alan and Stu are freaking out.

                              ALAN
                    Why'd you do that?!

                              VICK

                        (INCREDULOUS)
                    Really?

                              STU
                    Maybe they just wanted to talk!

                              VICK
                    I honestly don't know how you two
                    are still alive.

                              ALAN
                    Do you think we stole something
                    from them last night?!

                              STU
                    Oh my god I am such a bad dad!

                              ALAN
                        (producing cellphone)
                    I'm calling the police. This is
                    getting way out of control--

                              VICK
                    No! No cops!

                              ALAN
                    "No cops?!" Who are you, Fitty
                    Cent?!

          

                                                                  41.

          

          

                              STU
                    Yeah, Vick, what's going on?

                              VICK
                    Nothing! I just think we should
                    focus on finding Doug and not get
                    distracted by every little thing!

                              ALAN
                    Every little thing?! We were just
                    assaulted by the Yakuza!

                              VICK
                    Oh please, those guys are from
                    Guam. Get a grip.

                              ALAN
                    They knew your name, Vick! Which
                    means they probably know who Stu
                    and I are, too!

                              STU
                    If anything ever happened to my
                    family, Vick...

                              VICK
                    Fine. Let's just go back to the
                    hotel -- Doug is probably back from
                    wherever he spent the night, we'll
                    get him, we'll straighten out
                    whatever we did to those angry
                    Samoans, then we'll get the hell
                    back to LA, okay? Left turn.
          Vick angrily takes a harder-than-necessary left turn. Alan
          hangs on tight, almost flying out of the car.

                                                            CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SATURDAY, 2:26 PM"

          INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- DAY

          The boys hurry into their room, stressed.

                              VICK
                    Doug? Doug?
          Alan quickly checks the room phone.

                              ALAN
                    No messages.

          

                                                                  42.

          

          

                              STU
                    Come on, let's toss the place.
          Alan starts wading through the crap in the living room, while
          Vick and Stu head off to check the bedrooms...

          INT. BEDROOM

          Stu brushes aside beer bottles and room service dishes,
          looking for anything relevant. He spots a LEGAL CONTRACT on
          the ground. Picks it up.

                              STU
                    Hey, check it out, Vick! I invested
                    30 grand in your custard store last
                    night!
          Vick calls from the other bedroom.

                              VICK (O.S.)
                    Smart move, man.
          Stu opens the closet door -- and freezes.

                              STU
                    Hey, you wanna come in here a sec?!
          Vick enters a moment later to find Stu staring into the
          closet. Vick follows his gaze and sees a SEXY WOMAN snoring
          away on the closet floor, her blonde hair obscuring her face.

                              VICK
                    Whoa.

                              STU
                    You think she's what those Guamian
                    dudes wanted?

                              VICK
                    No. I think she's Alan's wife.
          Stu covers his mouth, oh shit! Vick produces the wallet-
          sized photos from Alan's wedding, compares them, and nods.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Alan? Wanna step in here, buddy?
          A second later Alan enters, what's up?

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Alan, Chastity. Chastity, Alan.
          Alan looks down, sees Chastity SNORING on the closet floor,
          her body all contorted, and freezes. Oh my God.

          

                                                                  43.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    What...what am I supposed to do?

                              STU
                    Wake her up, man!

                               ALAN
                    Why me?!

                              VICK
                    Because she's your spouse, dude!
          Scowling, Alan slowly crouches down. Then, a little scared,
          he nudges her. Nothing. He nudges her harder.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Pinch her tit. It always works.
          Alan shakes her a bit harder and -- BRRAPPPP -- the girl lets
          out a massive burp and awakens, COUGHING. Alan jumps back up,
          terrified. The woman, CHASTITY, looks around, disoriented.

                              CHASTITY
                    Dang, did I sleep in the closet
                    again...?
          Then she notices the guys staring down at her. She smiles,
          recognizing them:

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    Oh hey, guys! What's up?
          She shakily climbs to her feet to expose a skimpy skirt, a
          snug tube top, and mascara smeared all over her face.
          The guys have no idea what to say. She kisses Alan on the
          cheek, very intimate -- like, well, a husband and wife.

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    Morning, honey...
          She exits into the living room, picking her wedgie.
          Beat. Alan is speechless.

                              STU
                    She seems really cool.

                              VICK
                    Yeah, I really like her, man.

          

                                                                  44.

          

          

          INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- LIVING ROOM

          Chastity gathers her belongings -- jacket, purse, G string --
          from around the totalled living room. The guys file in.

                              VICK
                    So, um, did you take Alan's name?

                              STU
                    Yeah, are you Chastity Mervish
                    now--?

                              ALAN
                    Listen to me. Just...did we, or did
                    we not, have sex last night?
          Alan braces, please say no, please say no...
          Vick braces, please say yes, please say yes...

                                 CHASTITY
                    Well...ya?
          Alan slumps, his life over. Vick pumps his fist, YES!

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    But we waited til we were married.
          Alan GROANS.

                              VICK
                    What a responsible, upstanding
                    young Jew. They don't make `em like
                    that anymore, am I right?
          Chastity smiles, sweet, as she straps on her 6 inch heels.

                              CHASTITY
                    I know -- he even wanted to use a
                    rubber.
          Alan breaks into a COUGHING FIT.

                              ALAN
                    Wait-- we didn't use a condom?!

                              CHASTITY
                    It's cool, I sponge.
          Alan leans against a wall, dizzy.

                              ALAN
                    Can someone...please open a window?

          

                                                                 45.

          

          
          Stu turns and tries to open a window. No luck.

                              STU
                    They don't open.

                              CHASTITY
                    So you guys don't remember any of
                    last night?

                              VICK
                    Yeah, not so much.

                              CHASTITY
                    Hey, been there before, right?
                        (grabbing her sizable bra)
                    Sucks, though. The wedding was
                    really fun. I'm bummed you don't
                    remember it, Alan.
          She smiles, a little saddened. Stu whispers to Alan:

                              STU
                    Dude, I think your wife's mad at
                    you.

                              VICK
                    You don't happen to remember what
                    time we met you last night, do you?

                              CHASTITY
                    Sure, we met at the bar at like
                    10:00? Then we got married on my
                    smoke break, which was like 11:00?

                              VICK
                    It's the All-American love story,
                    isn't it? What happened next?

                              CHASTITY
                    Well, I had to go back to work. But
                    when I got off at 5:30, I met up
                    with you guys back here.

                              VICK
                    And was Doug with us then?

                              CHASTITY
                    No.

                              VICK
                    Interesting... Do you have any idea
                    where we went after the wedding?

          

                                                                      46.

          

          

                                CHASTITY
                      No, but I bet some of my work
                      friends do. You were partying with
                      them pretty hard.

                                STU
                      Work friends?

                                                           SMASH CUT TO:

          STRIPPERS
          Dozens of `em, dancing, grinding, shimmying on poles.

          INT. CRAZY HORSE GENTLEMEN'S CLUB -- DAY

          Chastity leads the guys through Vegas's Most Notorious Strip
          Club, The Crazy Horse. It's bacchanalia writ large, complete
          with throbbing music, flashing strobe lights, and six stages
          of spinning flesh. The place is mobbed with PATRONS.
          Alan follows after Chastity, horrified.

                                ALAN
                      You work here?
          Behind him, Vick SLAPS FIVE with Stu, psyched.

                                CHASTITY
                      Yeah -- and this is the pole where
                      we first met!
          She stops at a pole, around which a BRUNETTE STRIPPER
          currently spins. Alan looks ill.

                                CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                      It's always been my lucky pole...

                                ALAN
                      Look, I don't know how to tell you
                      this, but--

                                CHASTITY

                      HEY PLATINUM, CHECK IT OUT!
          She holds up her hand, showing off ALAN'S GRANDMOTHER'S RING
          to the stripper currently upside-down on the pole.

                                PLATINUM THE STRIPPER
                      Get it, girl!

                                CHASTITY
                      Come on, let's go meet my
                      bridesmaids!

          

                                                                  47.

          

          
          She hurries off, but Alan can't move.

                              STU
                    Dude.

                              VICK
                    I know.

                              ALAN
                    The Holocaust, man.
          Alan just stares into space. Vick takes him by the shoulder.

                              VICK
                    Look, we can get your grandmother's
                    ring back. We just gotta go about
                    it in the right way.

                              ALAN
                    I have besmirched my people.

                              STU
                    Don't be so hard on yourself, dude--
          Just then Chastity runs back over with two BLONDE STRIPPERS.

                              CHASTITY
                    These were my bridesmaids,
                    Anastasia and Starr!

                              STARR
                    Hey, boys! Good to see you again!

                              ANASTASIA
                    Mazel Tov--!

                              ALAN
                    Please...don't.
          Just then a SPOTLIGHT finds Chastity and Alan, and the SLEAZY
          PONYTAILED DJ up in the booth comes over the P.A. system:

                              STRIP CLUB D.J.

                    OKAY, GUYS! LET'S GIVE A CRAZY

                    HORSE SHOUT-OUT TO OUR HAPPY NEW

                    COUPLE, CHASTITY AND ALANNNN!
          The entire club CHEERS! Chastity holds up her wedding ring
          and dances around, WOO HOO! Alan waves meekly. Thanks.

                              STRIPPER D.J.

                    IN HONOR OF THEIR MARRIAGE, WE'RE

                    DOING TWO-FOR-ONE LAPDANCES! TWO

                    SONGS FOR TWENTY BUCKS!

          

                                                                  48.

          

          
          The DJ puts on Nine Inch Nails' "I Want to Fuck You Like An
          Animal" and the club gets hopping again.

                              CHASTITY
                    Oh my God, he's playing our song!
                        (giddy, to Alan)
                    This song was playing when we met,
                    remember?! You kept sliding
                    twenties into my thong and saying
                    "I will always love you. I will
                    always love you."
          Alan closes his eyes.

                                ALAN
                    Twenties?

                              CHASTITY
                    Yeah, it was so sweet...

                              ALAN
                    Look, I don't know how to say this,
                    but my friends and I were very
                    drunk last night. We would never
                    come to a place like this--
          He glances over at Vick and Stu -- but they're gone.

                                ALAN (CONT'D)
                    Guys?

                                                            CUT TO:

          VICK AND STU TOASTING SHOTS OF JAGERMEISTER
          and downing them. PULL BACK to see that they are sitting in

          THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM
          getting lapdances from STARR and ANASTASIA. The Champagne
          Room is a dark, plush private suite in the back of the Crazy
          Horse where strippers ply their craft; the room is half full.
          Vick watches Starr lean over and make out with Anastasia.

                              VICK
                    You are the best bridesmaids ever.

                              STU
                        (huge boobs in his face)
                    Dude: I might not be gay.
          Then Alan hurries in with Chastity; he looks pissed.

          

                                                          49.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    What the hell are you doing?!

                              VICK
                    Two-for-ones, man.

                              ALAN
                    We don't have time for this! We
                    gotta find Doug!

                              VICK
                    What do you think we're doing?

                              ALAN
                    What?

                              VICK
                    We're getting into the mindset of
                    last night, to see if it sparks any
                    memories.
                        (to his stripper)
                    Now: is this exactly how you were
                    dancing for me last night, Starr?
          She nods. Vick nods, pensive, scientific.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, still no memories. Keep going
                    -- and put your back into it.

                              ALAN
                    You are so goddamn selfish, Vick.
                    You really are. Stu, let's go.

                              VICK
                    No. Stu, sit and enjoy your dance.
          Stu looks between them, torn.

                              ALAN
                    Dude: Doug is missing! We have less
                    than 18 hours til his wedding! We
                    do not have time for this!

                              VICK
                    I'm trying to save your life here,
                    Alan Mervish.

                              ALAN
                    Vick--!

          

                                                                    50.

          

          

                              VICK
                    I'm not kidding, man! Life is one
                    long series of emergencies, and if
                    you don't learn to stop and have a
                    little fun along the way, you're
                    gonna grow into a joyless old prick
                    like your dad. I'm sorry to bring
                    Moshe Mervish into it, but it had
                    to be said. Now yes, we have 18
                    hours to find Doug -- which means
                    we can afford to spend ten minutes
                    celebrating the special talents of
                    these gifted young body-artists. So
                    sit down, have a jager shot, and
                    smell the goddamn roses for once in
                    your miserable life. Chastity,
                    honey? When you're ready?
          Chastity pushes Alan onto the red leather banquette and
          starts dancing for him. He tries to squirm away:

                              ALAN
                    No, look-- I am like totally
                    against this, morally and
                    politically. Plus Becky
                    specifically asked me not to--

                                                         SMASH CUT TO:

          ALAN SITTING ON THE BANQUETTE, LOOKING AWESTRUCK
          as Chastity works a wildly erotic lapdance on him. She crawls
          onto his lap, she whips him with her long hair, she puts her
          tongue in his ear. Next to him, no longer getting lapdances,
          Vick and Stu just sit, staring at Chastity, entranced.

                              STU
                    I think I know why he married her.

                              VICK
                    Because if he hadn't, I would've.
          They continue watching on in silence.

                              STU
                    Is it weird that we're sitting this
                    close watching?

                              VICK
                    Not for me.
          More watching in silence.

          

                                                                     51.

          

          

                               STU
                    I really shouldn't be here. I have
                    daughters.
          Then both of their heads angle the same way.

                              VICK
                    Not that can do that.

                              STU
                    How can she do that without
                    dislocating her hip?

                              VICK
                    Because she's been touched by God.
          They continue staring, amazed. Just then, the door is kicked
          open and KIKIOLANI and KALOLO FANALUA burst into the
          Champagne Room, peering through the darkness, looking for our
          guys. Vick and Stu see them immediately.

                               VICK (CONT'D)
                    Shit.
          They both hop up. Alan remains sitting, however, hypnotized
          by Chastity. Vick grabs him.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Alan, come on, man, we gotta go!

                              ALAN
                    Whoa, whoa, I'm smelling the roses--
          Vick literally yanks Alan up from the banquette.

                              VICK
                    Come on, man! We got company!
          Finally, the Guamians spot the guys and lumber for them!

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Chastity, honey, is there a back
                    way out of here?!
          Thinking fast, Chastity grabs her clothes and darts over to
          a darkened, unlabeled FIRE DOOR.

                               CHASTITY
                    Come on!
          The guys race after her...

          

                                                                    52.

          

          

          INT. CRAZY HORSE -- BACK HALLWAY

          Chastity and the guys sprint through the bright, crowded back
          hallways of the Crazy Horse, weaving through strippers,
          cocktail waitresses, and barbacks.
          Behind them, the two massive Samoans try to follow, but are
          slowed by all the foot traffic. Strippers SCREAM as they're
          bowled over by the obese Islanders.

          INT. CRAZY HORSE -- MAIN STAGE

          A spotlight holds on a CLOSED CURTAIN covering the main
          stage. Some sort of techno Limp Bizkit song is playing.

                              STRIPPER D.J. (O.S.)

                    ANNND ON STAGE ONE, PUT YOUR HANDS

                    TOGETHER FOR...DOUBLE STAXXX!
          All the patrons turn their attention to Stage One -- then Stu
          blows through the curtain, out of breath. Beat. The patrons
          look at Stu, confused. Stu looks at them, equally so.
          The patrons start to BOOO, just as Vick, Chastity, and Alan
          blow through the curtain after Stu.

                               CHASTITY
                    Come on!
          Chastity, in six inch leucite heels, sprints down the main
          runway, leaps over the patrons sitting at the end, and hits
          the floor running!

                              STU
                    Did she just do that in heels?!

                              VICK
                    I'm really starting to like this
                    girl.
          The guys all follow suit, sprinting down the runway and
          leaping over the patrons!
          Then the Guamians blow through the curtain, panting, very
          upset. They lumber down the stage -- and the patrons at the
          end of the runway clear the hell out of the way.

          CHASTITY AND THE GUYS RACE THROUGH THE STRIP CLUB
          Upsetting cocktails, hopping onto stages and then off again,
          leaping over chairs, spinning around stripper poles, and,
          finally, sprinting out the front door!

          

                                                                  53.

          

          
          The massive Guamians give chase, leaving a wide trail of
          destruction behind them, like two elephants trampling through
          a forest. Just as they're blowing out of the door, however,

          THEY'RE CLOTHESLINED BY TWO CHAIRS
          being swung into their chests! SMASH! They both stumble
          backwards, and then four roided-up STRIP CLUB SECURITY GUARDS
          pounce on them, wrestling them to the ground.

                              CRAZY HORSE SECURITY GUARD
                        (to walkie talkie)
                    Viper One, this is Rolling Thunder,
                    we've subdued the targets, over.

          EXT. CRAZY HORSE -- DAY

          Chastity and the guys hurry around the corner from the Crazy
          Horse, laughing, exhilarated from the chase.

                              STU
                    Did you see them trample those tiny
                    Japanese businessmen?! I think they
                    killed like four of them!
          Everyone laughs. Vick puts his arm around Alan.

                              VICK
                    Come on, Alan: tell me that wasn't
                    just a little fun...

                              ALAN
                    That was...a little fun.
          Vick smiles -- just as a LAS VEGAS POLICE CAR hops the curb,
          lights flashing, and cuts them off! Two mustachioed COPS get
          out and hurry for them, pointing, intense.

                              LAS VEGAS POLICEMAN
                    Victor Lennon?! Alan Mervish?!
                    Stuart Pryce?!

                              STU

                        (SCARED)
                    Y-Yes?!

                              LAS VEGAS POLICEMAN
                    You're coming with us.

                                                            CUT TO:

          

                                                                  54.

          

          

          INT. LAS VEGAS POLICE STATION -- INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY

          The two LVPD cops, OFFICER MERRIWEATHER and OFFICER BLADEN,
          40's, pace about this bare interrogation room, while Vick,
          Alan and Stu sit behind the cold metal table.
          Vick looks tense, but in control. Stu and Alan are sweating,
          terrified. They've clearly been here a while.

                              OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    Where were you last night at 3am?

                               VICK
                    No idea.

                              OFFICER BLADEN
                    Okay, how about at 2am?

                               VICK
                    Ditto.
          Officer Bladen SLAMS the table with his fist.

                              OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    You think this is cute, son?! You
                    think this is a game?!

                              ALAN
                    Whatever we did, we're so sorry!

                              STU
                    Honestly, man, I will confess to
                    anything you want!

                               VICK
                    Stu: stop talking. Alan: sit up
                    straight. Officer Merriweather,
                    I've told you twelve times now: we
                    have no memory of last night. Now
                    either charge us with a crime, or
                    let us go.
          Merriweather scowls and nods at Bladen, who steps over to a
          TELEVISION and turns it on. Merriweather, meanwhile, pulls
          out a photograph of a slick ASIAN MAN in a red suit, slides
          it onto the table.

                              OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    What do you know about Jimmy Lang?
          Vick flinches ever-so-slightly, clearly knowing something.
          Stu and Alan just look at the photograph, confused.

          

                                                                    55.

          

          

                                  ALAN
                     Nothing?

                                  STU
                     Who is he?

                               OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                     Jimmy Lang runs the infamous Shiang-
                     Xi crime organization, and is
                     wanted in seven states for money
                     laundering, drug smuggling,
                     racketeering and murder.

                               ALAN
                     Oh my god--

                               STU
                     Did we kill someone last night--?!

                               VICK
                     We have no idea who this man is.

                               OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                     Is that right?

                               VICK
                     Yeah, that's right.
          ON THE TELEVISION, grainy surveillance camera footage of a
          birthday party starts playing. In the video, JIMMY LANG sits
          in an upscale restaurant, in front of a BIRTHDAY CAKE, as a
          table full of hip ASIAN GUYS serenade him with "Happy
          Birthday To You."
          When the guys sitting next to Jimmy lean forward to help him
          blow out the candles on his cake, however, we see that it's
          Vick, ALAN, STU, DOUG, and some BLACK GUY, all very drunk!

                               VICK & ALAN & STU & DOUG (ON TAPE)

                     HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JIMMMMY, HAPPY

                     BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOOU!
          Everyone applauds. Vick drunkenly hugs Jimmy Lang.

                               VICK (ON TAPE)
                     I love you, Jimmy Lang!
          Merriweather FREEZES FRAME on Vick kissing the top of Jimmy
          Lang's shaved head.
          In the interrogation room, Vick, Stu and Alan sit, frozen.
          Silence.

          

                                                          56.

          

          

                              STU
                    We're in a lot of trouble, aren't
                    we.

                              ALAN
                    Officers, I swear, we have no
                    memory of that ever occurring--

                              OFFICER BLADEN
                    Okay. Maybe a night in jail will
                    jostle something loose.

                              STU
                    Oh no, sir, please don't!

                              ALAN
                    We have a very important wedding--!

                              VICK
                    I know Jimmy Lang.
          Everyone stops, looks at Vick.

                               ALAN
                    You do?!

                              VICK
                    Jimmy and I tried to raise capital
                    for Girl-nasium, a 24 hour fitness
                    center and day spa for tween-age
                    girls, but it never got off the
                    ground. It was an entirely
                    legitimate enterprise -- I had no
                    idea he was a criminal. We must've
                    bumped into him last night, and he
                    must've invited us to join his
                    birthday celebration. No crime in
                    that, is there, Officers?
          Merriweather gets in Vick's face, intense.

                               OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    You actually expect me to believe
                    that dung?

                              VICK

                        (UNBLINKING)
                    Yes, Officer Merriweather. I do.

                              OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    If I find out you're lying to me,
                    son, I will take all of you down,
                    is that clear?

          

                                                                     57.

          

          

                               OFFICER BLADEN
                    You boys wouldn't last three hours
                    in prison.

                                 VICK
                    Stu might.
          Stu shakes his head, unbelievable.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Now: are you gonna charge us with
                    something, or are we free to go?
          The cops look at each other, scowling. Beat.

                              OFFICER BLADEN
                    Get outta here.
          Stu and Alan quickly hop to their feet and make for the door.

                              ALAN
                    Oh, thank you, Officers!

                              STU
                    It was really nice meeting you--!

                              OFFICER MERRIWEATHER
                    If you know what's good for you,
                    you'll get the hell out of Vegas.

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. LAS VEGAS POLICE STATION -- NIGHT

          Day has turned to night. Vick, Stu, and Alan descend the
          steps of the police station. The mood is grim.

                              ALAN
                    Did you have to be such a dick?!

                              VICK
                    We got out, didn't we?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, four hours later! If we'd
                    just cooperated with them--

                              VICK
                    If we'd cooperated with them, we'd
                    be in jail right now, Alan.
          They reach the curb, and Stu starts trying to hail a cab.
          Desperation is setting in.

          

                                                          58.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    What are we gonna do now? We've got
                    zero leads on where Doug is!

                              STU
                    Why hasn't he called? It's 8:30.
          The guys shake their heads, I don't know.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Do you think he's okay--?

                              VICK
                    Stu, don't. Doug is fine.

                              STU
                    I mean, we were hanging out with
                    mobsters last night, man! They kill
                    people for looking at `em weird--!

                              VICK
                    Stu: Doug is fine.

                              STU
                    Or what if we like drove Doug out
                    to the desert and left him, just as
                    like a funny prank--?!

                              VICK
                    Stu! Enough!

                              ALAN

                        (MUTTERING)
                    I knew I shouldn't have come...

                              VICK
                    What did you just say?

                              ALAN
                    I said I knew I shouldn't have come
                    this weekend, Vick!

                              VICK
                        (getting heated)
                    Is that right?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, that's right. I only came
                    because Doug insisted.
          Vick steps towards Alan, heated.

          

                                                          59.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Why do think you're so much better
                    than us, dude?!

                              ALAN
                    I don't -- I just think I'm better
                    than you, Vick! And trust me, it's
                    not that hard! You haven't changed
                    one bit since high school! Jesus,
                    you're 28 years old and you still
                    talk back to cops?! Really?!

                              VICK
                    You're out of your depth, Alan--

                              ALAN
                    And you're still the one getting us
                    in trouble! Only then it was hiding
                    your weed in our locker, and now
                    you've got us partying with wanted
                    felons! It's not cute anymore, man!
                    We're too old for this!
          Vick scowls; this is actually hitting home...

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    And all your stupid get-rich-quick
                    schemes?! Girl-nasium?! Custard?!
                    In Los Angeles?! Are you joking?!

                              STU
                    Okay, let's all take a breath--

                              ALAN
                    When's the last time you had a real
                    job, man?! When's the last time you
                    had a girlfriend?! Hell, when's the
                    last time you picked up the check?!

                              VICK
                    What's so great about any of those
                    things?!

                              ALAN
                    Those "things," Vick, are what
                    grown men do!
          Vick swallows, furious.

                              STU
                    Look, we're all tired and hungry--

          

                                                                    60.

          

          

                              VICK
                    None of us ever liked you, Alan! We
                    only hung out with you because Doug
                    made us!
          Alan recoils, whoa, stung. This is clearly news to him.

                              ALAN
                    Stu...? Is that true?
          Stu gestures, uncomfortable, enh, who's to say? Alan nods, I
          see, his face reddening.

                              VICK
                    Why would anyone like you, dude?
                    Have you ever thought about that?
                    You're uptight, you're judgemental,
                    you're cheap, and yet somehow you
                    think you're sweeter than everyone
                    else! Well look around, man: no one
                    wants to be you! I'd rather be Stu
                    than you!

                              STU
                    Wait, what--?
          Too late: Alan charges Vick and TACKLES him onto the lawn!
          They roll on the ground, trying to punch each other, but it
          ends up being a mess of half-chops, pulled hair, and hands in
          each other's faces...

                              ALAN
                    I've...always...hated you...

                              VICK
                    You punch like...your sister...
          Stu runs over and jumps in, trying to break them apart.

                              STU
                    Hey, no! Time out! We all need a
                    time out--!
          THUNK! Stu is accidentally kicked in the face and goes down.
          Alan and Vick continue rolling on the lawn, trying to beat
          the crap out of each other. They could be kids again. Then,
          just when it starts getting way too intense,

          A CAR HORN SOUNDS
          And all three of them look up to see Vick'S BEAT-UP CADILLAC
          parked on the curb, Chastity at the wheel.

          

                                                                   61.

          

          

                              CHASTITY
                    That might not be like, the
                    smartest place to fight?
          Vick and Alan look over at the huge LAS VEGAS POLICE
          DEPARTMENT sign right next to them. They frown...

                                                              CUT TO:

          EXT. THE COYOTE CANTINA -- NIGHT

          Vick's car sits parked in front of a country bar.

          INT. THE COYOTE CANTINA -- NIGHT

          The guys sit at a booth, their hair a mess, their faces
          bruised, their clothing ripped, ravenously chowing down on
          TACOS. Stu's mouth is full of food:

                              STU
                    Good call on happy hour, Chastity.
                    These tacos kick ass.

                              CHASTITY
                    Yeah, I always come here when I get
                    out of jail.
          The guys exchange a quick look.

                              ALAN
                    Hey -- how'd you start Vick's car?

                              CHASTITY
                    Oh, my daddy taught me how to
                    hotwire almost anything.

                              VICK
                    That's funny, because Alan's daddy
                    taught him tax law.
          Chastity smiles, a little confused. Alan is quick to retort:

                              ALAN
                    And Vick's daddy taught him how to
                    get really drunk at his kid's
                    soccer games and then piss himself.

                              VICK
                    It's a disease, dude--!

                              STU
                    Guys, come on! For Doug?

          

                                                                  62.

          

          
          Alan and Vick angrily continue eating their tacos. Then Stu's
          PHONE rings. He pulls it out, reads the caller ID.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    "Number blocked."

                      VINCE                             ALAN               
          Don't answer it.                 Answer it.

                              ALAN
                    What if it's Doug?

                              VICK
                    What if it's Tracy?!

                              STU
                        (torn, answers phone)
                    Good evening, this is Stu!

          INTERCUT WITH:

          INT. VENICE BUNGALOW -- NIGHT

          It's Tracy. She's sitting in her living room, on the phone.
          Her STERN FATHER sits nearby, as do other FAMILY MEMBERS.

                              TRACY
                    Stu, it's Tracy!
          His eyes bulging, Stu covers the phone and hisses:

                              STU
                    It's Tracy!
          Vick glares at Alan. Alan looks away, shit.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Why is she calling me?!

                              VICK
                    Because she knows you're the most
                    easily tricked.

                              ALAN
                    We have tell her we lost Doug.

                              VICK
                    No we don't! Tell her nothing, Stu!
          Stu turns back to the phone, rattled.

                              STU
                    Hey, Trace! W-What's going on?

          

                                                63.

          

          

                    TRACY
          Oh, nothing, just here with my
          family...

                    STU
          Wow, that sounds amazing!

                    TRACY
          Yeah...? Hey, you wouldn't happen
          to know where Doug is, would you?
          He said he'd be home by 5 for this
          dinner, and now it's almost 9:00. I
          tried his cell, but he didn't
          answer...

                    STU
          Ummmm........Hang on.
              (covering the mouthpiece)
          She wants to know where Doug is!

                    VICK
          I'm working on it! Buy us some
          time!

                    ALAN
          No, just tell her the truth!
          Honesty is always the best policy!

                    VICK
          What are you, retarded?! Honesty is
          never the best policy! Especially
          not with brides!

                    STU
              (lamely, to phone)
          Um, what'd you say?

                    TRACY

              (FROWNING)
          I asked if you knew where Doug was.

                    STU
          Yeah, um, hang on.
              (to guys)
          She still wants to know!

                    VICK
          Okay: tell her Alan got really
          drunk last night and fell down, and
          the doctor said not to move him for
          a few hours, but that we'll be back
          in time for the wedding.

          

                                                            64.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    Why do I have to be the one that
                    fell over drunk?!

                              VICK
                    It's a fictitious canard, Alan, get
                    over yourself! Stu: tell her!

                              STU (TO PHONE)
                    Listen, Tracy, Alan fell on a

                    DOCTOR--

                              VICK
                    Fell over drunk.

                              STU
                    H-He was drunk. And the doctor -- a
                    different doctor, not the one he
                    fell on -- he said we couldn't move
                    him until the wedding--

                              VICK
                    For a few hours! We'll be home
                    before the wedding!

                              STU
                    But we're going to have the wedding
                    at your home--
          Tracy just looks really confused.
          Exasperated, Vick rips the phone away from Stu.

                              VICK
                    Tracy?! Vick! How are ya, hon?

                              TRACY
                        (now very concerned)
                    Vick, what is going on?

                              VICK
                    Nothing! Stu is a moron. Listen,
                    Alan hurt his back last night, so
                    we're gonna be laid up here for a
                    bit, but I promise we'll have Doug
                    home in time for the wedding, okay?

                              TRACY
                    Oh God, is Alan all right?

          

                                                                  65.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Yes, luckily he had a steel rod
                    surgically implanted up his ass at
                    birth, so the doctors anticipate a
                    complete and swift recovery.
          Alan flips him the bird.

                              TRACY
                    Can I talk to Doug?

                              VICK
                    What? No! No, you can't actually,
                    Doug...Doug is out.

                              TRACY
                    Where is he?

                              VICK
                    Where is he? He's aaaat...the
                    pharmacy. Yeah, picking up Alan's
                    medications. Listen, Trace, I'm
                    losing you, but we'll see you
                    tomorrow, okay? Bye, sweetie--!
          Vick hangs up and nods confidently.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    She bought it.

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. VENICE BUNGALOW -- NIGHT

          Back in her bungalow, Tracy hangs up the phone, frowning.

                              TRACY
                    They've done something stupid.
          Her stern father is standing there, frowning.

                              MR. TURNER
                    No surprise there.

                              TRACY

                    DAD--

                              MR. TURNER
                    I'm just saying, what kind of man
                    stands up his fianc�e the night
                    before their wedding?

          

                                                                   66.

          

          

                              TRACY
                    Dad, I don't want to hear it. I
                    trust Doug absolutely.
          Mr. Turner backs off. Tracy, however, looks a bit rattled...

                                                         CUT BACK TO:

          INT. THE COYOTE CANTINA -- NIGHT

          The guys get up from the booth and head for the door, grim.

                              ALAN
                    Perfect. We just told Tracy we'd
                    have Doug home in 13 hours, and we
                    still have no idea where he is...
          They pass a DOORMAN on their way out, who's standing with a
          stamp and a UV light reader.

                              DOORMAN
                    Handstamp for re-entry?
                    Handstamp for re-entry?
          Everyone waves, no thanks -- except for Stu, who shrugs, why
          not, and stops, holding out his hand.

                              VICK
                    Maybe we should go back to the
                    hotel and--

                              STU
                    Oh my God, guys! Look!
          Stu holds his hand under the UV light -- it's covered in
          STAMPS from all the clubs they've been to the night before!
          Stu yanks up his sleeve to reveal his ENTIRE FOREARM GLOWS,
          completely covered with stamps!
          The guys hurry back and slide their forearms under the UV
          light, too: they all have the same stamps! Their eyes alight:

                              ALAN
                    It's like a map of last night!
          The guys look at each other, hope returning to their faces!

                                                             CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SATURDAY, 9:10PM"

          

                                                                     67.

          

          

          EXT. LAS VEGAS/INT. VICK'S CAR -- NIGHT

          The guys rocket down the Strip, weaving in and out of
          traffic! All the stamps on Stu's arm are now labelled in
          regular ink. MUSIC blares, and the mood is high.

                              STU
                    Where do you want to start?!

                              VICK
                    At the top! We hit every club we
                    went to til someone remembers what
                    we did with Doug!

                              ALAN
                    Nice clue, Stuey! I can't believe
                    we're actually gonna pull this off!
          Stu grins over at the car next to them. Then he stops.

                              STU
                    Hey: is that guy wearing Doug's
                    hat?!
          The guys look over to see that the DRIVER of the next car
          over is, in fact, wearing the DISTINCTIVE FEDORA-STYLE HAT
          Doug was wearing last night. The guy turns off the Strip.

                              VICK
                    Naaah, couldn't be.

                              ALAN
                    Lots of people have hats like that.
          Stu nods, yeah, I guess...

          TIGHT ON: STU'S HAND
          The first bar written on it is "GhostBar."

                                                         MATCH CUT TO:

          INT. GHOSTBAR -- NIGHT

          Chastity and the guys blow in, each with a photo of Doug (in
          medieval armor) from Alan's wedding. As they move into the
          club, every single waiter, bartender, and busboy sees them
          and throws open their arms, heyyyy, remembering them!
          They flash the picture of Doug to anyone who'll look --
          waiters, maitre d's, thugs, bachelorettes, fetishists,
          bikers, swingers, brides and grooms -- but all of them shake
          their heads, we have no idea where Doug is...

          

                                                                     68.

          

          

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- NIGHT

          Stu crosses off "GhostBar" from his arm...

          INT. BODY ENGLISH NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          The guys and Chastity enter and disperse. Again, everyone
          recognizes them and hugs them like returning heroes -- and
          again, no one remembers where they were taking Doug...

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- NIGHT

          Stu crosses off another stamp from his arm...

          EXT. PURE NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          The BOUNCER recognizes the guys from the night before and
          unclips the rope, letting them in past the immense line...

          INT. TAO NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          The BOUNCER recognizes the guys from the night before and
          unclips the rope, letting them in past the immense line...

          INT. ICE NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          The BOUNCER recognizes the guys from the night before and
          unclips the rope, letting them in past the immense line...

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- NIGHT

          The guys race through a shadier, more industrial area of
          town, their hopes dimming...

                              STU
                    All right, this is the last place
                    we went, "Chaps."
          Vick rolls to a stop in front of...

          CHAPS NIGHTCLUB
          It takes a moment for the guys to realize that everyone in
          line is male, buff, and wearing erotic cowboy gear.

                              STU
                    You sure we came here...?
          Then they look up at the marquee. It reads "CHAPS: HOME OF

          THE GOLDEN PONY ALL MALE REVUE."

                              ALAN
                    The Golden Pony. That's us.

          

                                                                  69.

          

          

                              STU
                    Maybe I'll just wait in the car--
          But Vick is already shoving Stu out of the car.

          INT. CHAPS NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

          The guys walk into the massive nightclub and stop. It's got a
          kitschy barn theme, and hosts 200 TOPLESS DUDES in cowboy
          hats and short-shorts grinding on each other.

                              VICK
                    You think we would've remembered
                    this...

                              STU
                    Yeah, I don't think we came here...

                              ALAN
                    Then why is your underwear nailed
                    to the wall?
          The guys turn to see numerous pairs of MEN'S UNDERWEAR nailed
          to the wall nearby. A sign above it reads "CHAPS WALL OF
          FAME." We recognize Stu's COLORADO STATE BOXERS.

                              STU
                    Those could be anybody's. Thousands
                    of people go to Colorado State--

                              ALAN
                        (looking more closely)
                    Oh my God, are they autographed?

                              VICK

                        (READING)
                    "Stu Pryce, 9/30/08. I     Chaps!"

          

                              STU
                        (realizing, stunned)
                    I am so gay...
          Just then, a BUFF WAITER in assless chaps blows by, smiling.

                              WAITER
                    Hey, guys! Roger is backstage!
          The guys look at each other, eyes wide.

                               STU
                    R-Roger?

          

                                                                  70.

          

          

          INT. CHAPS -- DANCE FLOOR

          The guys move through the throng of undulating, sweaty men,
          uncomfortable. Alan takes Chastity's hand tightly.

                              ALAN
                    Stay very close to me.
          She smiles and dances through the crowd.

          INT. CHAPS -- BACKSTAGE AREA

          They reach a HUGE MALE BOUNCER guarding the backstage area.
          He sees the guys and unclips the VELVET ROPE, kissing each of
          them on the cheek as they pass.

                              BOUNCER
                    How are Haylee and Kaitlin?

                              STU
                        (totally disturbed)
                    Oh. G-Good, thanks...?

          INT. BACKSTAGE AREA -- DRESSING ROOM DOOR

          The guys reach the dressing room door and stop. They inhale.

                              VICK
                    We're going to love you either way,
                    Stu...
          Stu nods, focussed, nervous, like before a big game.

                              ALAN
                    Some of my best friends are gay.

                              STU
                    Is that true?

                              ALAN
                    Not...not really? I live in
                    Connecticut, man, we don't even
                    have black people yet.
          Stu nods, right. Then, after steeling himself, he enters...

          INT. CHAPS -- DRESSING ROOM

          The dressing room is packed with muscular, tan, buck-naked
          men, walking around, rubbing baby oil on themselves, donning
          chaps and codpieces, getting ready for the next show.

          

                                                                    71.

          

          
          Chastity and the guys move through the mob of beefcake,
          staying ridiculously close together. Vick stops at one
          dancer, trying not to look down at his junk:

                              VICK
                    Excuse me, friend, can you tell me
                    where Roger is?

                              BEEFCAKE COWBOY
                    Oh, hey, Vick! Roger's over there.
          He points to a really hot, really naked guy with a funky
          mullet, stretching out in front of his mirror. The guys
          shuffle over to him. Vick tries to be supportive with Stu:

                              VICK
                    He's cute...I guess...?
          Stu shrugs, yeah, I guess...? As they draw close, Roger sees
          them, and smiles.

                              ROGER
                    Oh! Hey guys!
          He hugs all of them. The guys make sure to keep their asses
          arched back to avoid genital contact.

                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    I'm surprised you're even walking
                    yet, Stu.

                               STU
                        (inhaling sharply)
                    Oh my god.

                              VICK
                    Listen, man, we don't really
                    remember what happened last night,
                    can you fill us in?

                              ROGER
                    Really? No memory?
          Stu shakes his head, wide-eyed, scared...

                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    Well, I must say, Stu, I'm a little
                    hurt.

                              STU
                    Did we...you know...do anything?

                              ROGER
                    Well, duh? Yeah?

          

                                                                    72.

          

          
          The guys all freeze. A beat. Then Vick pats Stu's shoulder,
          supportive.

                              STU
                    Was I...the boy or the girl?

                              ROGER
                    Oh, honey, you were everything.
          Stu WHIMPERS. Vick and Alan exchange a look, holy shit!

                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    But you were nothing like Vick.

                              VICK
                    Wait-- what?!

                              ROGER
                    I know, I'm sort of over group
                    stuff too, but Alan insisted.
          Now it's Alan's turn to look stunned.

                              VICK
                    You insisted?! Why'd you insist?!

                              ALAN
                    I don't know! I don't know why I
                    insisted!

                              ROGER
                    Actually, after the anger went
                    away, it was really quite tender.
          The guys look at each other, nauseous.

                              STU
                    I'm really not sure we can be
                    friends anymore...
          Finally, Chastity starts LAUGHING.

                              CHASTITY
                    Guys: he's kidding.
          Roger breaks into a smile and slaps five with Chastity. The
          guys all exhale, incredibly relieved.

                              VICK
                    Not cool, Roger. Not cool.

                              ALAN
                    So what did happen last night?

          

                                                                  73.

          

          

                              ROGER
                    Oh, well, you guys came in near the
                    end of our last set, like 2ish.
                    Doug pretty much dragged you in.

                              ALAN
                    Really? Doug did?

                              ROGER
                    Oh no, my Doug, not your Doug.
                    Black guy, shaved head?
          The guys look at each other, confused.

                              ROGER (CONT'D)
                    He's a cake designer, he said he
                    met you guys at some sort of
                    birthday party at the Rio?

                              VICK
                        (snapping his finger)
                    The guy from the Jimmy Lang
                    surveillance video.
          The guys nod, right.

                              ROGER
                    Anyway, for the big finale of our
                    show, we always bring someone on
                    stage, and, well, Stu, you
                    volunteered pretty aggressively.
                        (to nearby dancer)
                    Hey Dallas, do we have the video of
                    last night's show?

                              STU
                    No! That's cool, I don't need to
                    see it--

                              VICK
                    We must see that video.

                              DALLAS
                    It's in the machine.
          Roger nods and presses PLAY on a little VCR/TV combo sitting
          in front of his mirror. ON THE TV a very Brokeback,
          Chippendale's-style male revue starts playing. Stu GASPS.
          Roger fast forwards.

          

                                                                  74.

          

          

                              ROGER
                    You were pretty mellow at first,
                    Stu, but once we got you into the
                    chaps, you really came alive-- oh,
                    here it is.

          
          ON THE TV we see Stu, wearing only his "I    ROGER" g-string
          and assless chaps, grinding on stage with the Golden Pony
          dancers. He is way fatter, paler, and hairier than the
          greased young studs. The guys look away, oooo.

                              STU
                    I'm a Dad, I-I don't get to the gym
                    as much as I'd like...

                              ROGER
                    You even taught us The Pony, which
                    we'd never even heard of before...
          ON THE TV Stu gets on all fours on the stage, and eagerly
          gestures for the dancers to take turns "riding" him.
          Stu's face drops.

                               ROGER (CONT'D)
                    And then, of course, the pi�ce de
                    resistance: the Ride of the
                    Valkyries.
          ON THE VIDEO Stu clutches onto Roger from behind as they ride
          a LAVENDER MECHANICAL BULL together. The crowd goes wild.

                              STU
                    Annnnd that would explain the
                    searing ass pain.

                              ROGER
                    After the show, we split a couple
                    pitchers of flirtinis, you had our
                    stylist cut your hair like mine,
                    and then you split.

                              VICK
                    And what time was all this?

                              ROGER
                    4:30 in the morning? 4:45?

                              ALAN
                    And our Doug was with us?

          

                                                                   75.

          

          

                              ROGER
                    Yeah, he had passed out by then,
                    but you carried him out. It was all
                    very Officer And A Gentleman.
          The guys look at each other, confused.

                              ALAN
                    Wait, so we left with Doug at 4:45,
                    we got back to the hotel at 5:00,
                    and Doug was gone by 5:30 when
                    Chastity met back up with us?

                              STU
                    That doesn't make any sense.

                              VICK
                    Did we lose him along the way?

                              STU
                    He was passed out, how far could he
                    have gone--?
          Just then, Vick's cellphone rings. The caller ID reads
          "MANDALAY BAY." He answers:

                              VICK
                    Hello?

          INTERCUT WITH:

          INT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHT

          Atashir is on the phone at the reception desk.

                              ATASHIR
                    Mr. Lennon?

                              VICK
                    Atashir, many greetings to you.

                               ATASHIR
                    I thought you might like to know
                    that one of our maids just found
                    your friend, Douglas, passed out in
                    your room.
          Vick's jaw drops.

                              VICK
                    What?! Are you sure it's him?!

          

                                                                  76.

          

          

                              ATASHIR
                    I saw him with my own eyes. He is
                    unconscious but breathing nicely.

                              VICK
                    Oh thank you, Atashir! You are a
                    man of great honor! A thousand
                    blessings upon your ancestors!
          Vick SLAMS his phone shut, overjoyed.

                               VICK (CONT'D)
                    Doug is in the room! A maid just
                    found him! He's passed out, but
                    he's okay!

                              STU
                    They're sure it's him?!

                              VICK
                    Atashir swears it is!
          The guys all laugh, a massive weight lifted.

                              STU
                    Oh thank God he's okay...

                              ALAN
                    After all this?! He's in the room?!
          They keep laughing and hug each other, heartfelt. Vick even
          hugs Roger.

                              VICK
                    I don't even care! Hug me, you big
                    shiny homosexual!

          EXT. CHAPS -- NIGHT

          Chastity and the guys bound out of Chaps, jubilant. Stu is
          carrying a box of TWO DOZEN VIDEOTAPES.

                              ALAN
                    That was cool of Roger to give you
                    all the tapes of your performance.

                              STU
                    I know, if I actually was gay, I'd
                    totally date Roger first. What a
                    gentle soul.
          They get into Vick's clunker.

          

                                                                   77.

          

          

                              VICK
                    How we doing on time?

                              ALAN
                        (looking at watch)

                    2:22.

                              VICK
                    We'll be in LA by dawn.
                        (firing up engine)
                    I told you bitches this would all
                    work out...
          They drive off into the night, grins all around.

          EXT. THE STRIP/INT. VICK'S CAR -- NIGHT

          Vick drives, Stu sits shotgun. Alan sits in the back with
          Chastity. The cool night air washes over them. They look
          happily exhausted.

                              ALAN
                    This has officially been the
                    craziest weekend of my life.
                        (to Chastity)
                    Thanks for all your help. You were
                    awesome.

                              CHASTITY
                    Anything for my hubby.
          Alan's smile flickers slightly.

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    I'm kidding, Alan. I know last
                    night wasn't, you know, real...
          She looks out at Vegas as it flies by.

                              ALAN
                    I'm sorry about all this, Chastity.

                                CHASTITY
                    Jennifer.

                              ALAN
                    Beg pardon?

                              CHASTITY
                    My name is Jennifer. Jennifer Elly.
          Alan hesitates; suddenly she seems a lot more...human.

          

                                                                  78.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    Okay, well, I'm sorry, Jennifer.

                              CHASTITY
                    Oh, don't be. Last night wasn't the
                    first flaky decision I've ever made
                    in my life. I mean, I am a
                    stripper.
          Alan tries not to laugh. She smiles, a twinge sadly.

                              ALAN
                    Where you from?

                              CHASTITY
                    LA. Tarzana.

                               ALAN
                    Oh yeah?

                              CHASTITY
                    Yeah. I work here on the weekends.

                              ALAN
                    You fly out every week?

                              CHASTITY
                    Yeah. I'd move, but my kid is in a
                    great school.

                               ALAN
                    Kid?

                              VICK
                        (aside, to Stu)
                    They always have kids.

                              CHASTITY
                    I have a little girl, Sarah.
                    She's... Well, she's everything.
          Chastity proudly shows Alan a photo from her purse of a cute
          little toddler. Alan smiles.

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    What about you?

                              ALAN
                    No kids. Same girlfriend for 14
                    years. Becky.
          Alan shows her a photo of Becky on his cellphone.

          

                                                               79.

          

          

                              CHASTITY
                    Wow, she's stunning.
          Stu turns around, unable to keep quiet any longer:

                              STU
                    We like you way better.

                              ALAN

                    STU!
          Chastity tries to stymie her laugh.

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    Becky is great.

                              STU
                    Becky collects teapots.

                              VICK
                    Yeah, she's a total canwego.

                              CHASTITY
                    A what?

                              VICK
                    You know, she's the girl at the
                    party who's always like "Can we go?
                    Can we go?"
          Chastity laughs. Alan does too, shaking his head.

                              ALAN
                    She has low blood sugar.

                              STU
                    She has low fun sugar.

                              ALAN
                    Jesus, guys! This is the girl I'm
                    going to marry!
                        (beat, considers)
                    If, you know...she forgives me for
                    cheating on her...

                              VICK
                    Wait: you're going to tell her?

                              ALAN
                    Of course I'm going to tell her! I
                    could never keep something like
                    that from her.

          

                                                                     80.

          

          

                              VICK
                    Dude, she still hasn't forgiven me
                    for scratching her Queensryche CD
                    in sixth grade -- she's neeeeever
                    gonna forgive you for marrying a
                    stripper in Vegas.

                              ALAN
                    Well, then that's just the price
                    I'm going to have to pay.
          Alan looks off, stoic. Chastity pats his hand, proud.

                              CHASTITY
                    Good for you.
          She smiles at Alan, impressed, pulling her hair from her
          face. Alan looks at her anew... It's a sweet moment...

                              VICK
                    She's gonna cut your dick off,
                    dude.

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- NIGHT

          Lamborghini's, Ferrari's and Hummer limos clog the valet
          stand. Vick rolls up in his clunker. The guys hop out.

                              VICK
                        (to the valet)
                    Keep `er close, Paco. We'll be
                    right back.

          INT. MANDALAY BAY -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT

          Chastity and the guys hurry down the hallway to their suite.
          Vick unlocks their door and pushes inside.

                              VICK
                    Doug! Wake up, man!

          INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- NIGHT

          Instead of finding Doug, however, they find KALOLO FANALUA,
          sitting on their couch, pissed. He's got a huge WHITE CAST on
          his right arm, courtesy of the strip club bouncers.

                              KALOLO FANALUA
                    Aloha, assholes.
          The guys freeze.

          

                                                                  81.

          

          

                                STU
                    Uh-oh.
          The door SLAMS behind them, and they whip around to see
          KIKIOLANI standing in front of the door, blocking their exit.
          He has an identical CAST on his right arm.

                                STU (CONT'D)
                    Not good.
          Just then, a toilet FLUSHES and an immensely large man in a
          red suit exits the bathroom, drying his hands. We recognize
          him from his police photo as crime boss JIMMY LANG, 50's.

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Oh, hello. Good to see you again.

                              VICK
                    Where is Doug?

                              ALAN
                    Listen, Mr. Lang, whatever we did
                    last night, we are incredibly sorry-

                              JIMMY LANG
                    These your rich friends you were
                    telling me about, Vick?
          Alan and Stu glance at Vick, confused.

                              JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    Oh, you haven't told them yet?
                    Really, that's low. Even for you.

                              ALAN
                    What's going on, Vick?
          Vick stammers, trying to find the words...

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Six months ago, your friend Vick
                    borrowed some money from me at what
                    can only be described as a very
                    unfavorable interest rate. When the
                    loan came due, he failed to pay me
                    back, but he promised me that he
                    could get the money from you guys
                    this weekend.
          Alan and Stu look at Vick, shocked and hurt.

                              ALAN
                    Jesus, Vick...

          

                                                                  82.

          

          

                              STU
                    How could you do this to us, man?
                    We're your best friends...
          Vick looks away, ashamed.

                              VICK
                    They were gonna hurt me, man...

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Well, Vick, it looks like you and
                    your friends have some issues to
                    discuss. In the meantime...
          He draws a huge, red-plated .357 MAGNUM.

                              JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    I need my goddamn money.
          The guys jump back, whoa! Vick holds up his hands:

                              VICK
                    I can get it! I can! I just--

                              JIMMY LANG
                    I've heard that before, Vick,
                    including last night, when you so
                    rudely skipped out on my birthday
                    party. That's why I've taken some
                    collateral to ensure your payment.
                    His name is Doug.
          The guys all look sick.

                              VICK
                    You have Doug?

                              STU
                    Oh my God...

                              JIMMY LANG
                    If you want your friend to live,
                    meet me at mile marker 26 off
                    Highway 12 at dawn, and bring the
                    money. Are we clear?

                                VICK
                    Yes! Yes.
          Jimmy nods and heads for the door. The Samoans follow him.

                              ALAN
                    M-M-Mr. Lang?

          

                                                                   83.

          

          

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Yes, Mr. Mervish?

                              ALAN
                    H-How much does Vick owe?

                                                              CUT TO:

                              ALAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                    200 thousand dollars?!

          INT. THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MOMENTS LATER

          Alan and Stu pace about the suite, beyond stressed. Vick
          stands, looking out the window. Chastity gets them all water.

                              ALAN
                    How the hell could you blow that
                    kind of money?!

                              STU
                    Was it for the custard store?

                              ALAN
                    Jesus, Stu, wake up! There is no
                    custard store! Vick was just trying
                    to rip us off to pay back Jimmy
                    Lang!

                              STU
                    Is that true, Vick?
          Vick just stares out at the city, not denying it.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Were any of your deals...real?

                              VICK

                        (GUILTY)
                    Some.
          Stu drops onto the couch, deeply disillusioned...

                              STU
                    Dude, I manage an Applebee's, that
                    money meant something to me...
          Vick spins around, furious:

                              VICK
                    Do you really think I wanted my
                    life to turn out like this, Stu?!
                    Do you really think I don't know
                    that I'm a massive loser?!

                              (MORE)

          

                                                                   84.

          

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Jesus, you guys got out of high
                    school and you just knew what to
                    do, you went to college and got
                    good jobs and found cool wives and
                    made beautiful children -- what do
                    I have to show for the last decade
                    of my life?! Nothing!
          Vick swats a lamp off a nearby end-table -- it SMASHES
          against the wall!
          The guys freeze. Tense silence. Vick grows emotional.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Jesus, I'm almost 30, and the only
                    thing I really have...the only
                    thing I really have is you guys.

                              STU
                    Come on, Vick--

                              VICK
                    No, man, it's true! I put on a good
                    show, but my life is so goddamn
                    hollow and vapid and lonely, it
                    scares me, man. I-I don't know how
                    much longer I can keep this scam
                    going. And now I've gone and ruined
                    the one good thing I had...
          Tears threaten in his eyes. He wipes at them, angry.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    Just...please don't give up on me,
                    okay? I-I don't know what I'd do
                    without you guys. I really don't...
          Alan and Stu exchange a look. They've never seen brash, cocky
          Vick this vulnerable before. Stu can't help but give in.

                              STU
                    Come on, man, we've been bro's
                    since third grade, it's gonna take
                    a lot more than money to ruin our
                    friendship.
          Vick looks down, deeply touched...

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    What I don't understand is why you
                    didn't just ask me for the money. I
                    would've given you every last cent
                    I had, man...

          

                                                                  85.

          

          
          Tears trail down Vick's cheeks. He crosses and gives Stu a
          hug. Stu hugs back, emotional.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    I love you, man.

                              VICK
                    Love you too, bro. Love you too.
          They hug tight. For a while.

                              STU
                    Also, I banged your sister
                    sophomore year.
          Vick pulls away.

                              VICK
                    What?!

                              STU
                    Sorry. Just seemed like a good time
                    to tell you.
          Vick stammers at Stu, speechless.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    She had just broken up with that
                    guy from Central, we were playing
                    "I Never" at Tim Donahee's pool,
                    one thing lead to another--

                              VICK
                    No! No. That's...that's plenty.
          Vick desperately tries to clear the image from his mind. Alan
          just frowns at his watch, stressed.

                              ALAN
                    Look, I'm glad we're all sharing,
                    but we've got three hours to come
                    up with 200 grand, or else...
          The guys nod, frowning, back on point.

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    I'd offer to take a loan out, but
                    it's 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm
                    pretty sure my bank is closed.

                              STU
                    I think I can get a 20 grand cash
                    advance on my credit card...

          

                                                                     86.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    So that just leaves 180 grand...
          The guys frown at each other.

                              CHASTITY
                    Well, it is Vegas...
          The guys' eyebrows all rise, you think...?

                                                       SMASH CUT TO:

          ALAN THROWING DOWN BLACKJACK AT A BLACKJACK TABLE
          The guys erupt in CHEERS around him, YAAA! The dealer slides
          over a large pile of CHIPS.

                                                              CUT TO:

          CHASTITY THROWING CRAPS AT A CRAPS TABLE
          Again the guys erupt! Alan hugs Chastity. Their pile of CHIPS
          grows...

                                                              CUT TO:

          STU YELLING "BINGO" AT A BINGO TABLE
          The guys jump up, slapping ten, YELLING! Stu points at a
          table full of OLD LADIES nearby: in your face!

                                                              CUT TO:

          ALAN, STU, VICK AND CHASTITY SITTING AT A PAI GOW TABLE
          looking lost. Then they take their large stack of chips and
          quietly leave. No one knows how to play Pai Gow poker.

                                                              CUT TO:

          VICK JUMPING UP FROM A WAR TABLE
          having just won! Chastity and the guys aggressively hug him.
          Stu drinks from his glass, hands shaking, wired.

                              STU
                    Time check!

                              VICK
                        (looking at watch)
                    12 minutes.

                              STU
                    Chip check!

          

                                                                      87.

          

          
          Alan quickly counts the chips...

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    Faster! Come on chip check!

                              VICK
                    Dude, how many Red Bulls have you
                    had?

                              STU
                    I stopped counting at six! I can
                    hear my heart beating in my head!
          Alan finishes counting the chips -- and frowns.

                              ALAN
                    Just over 100 grand.
          The guys wince, damn.

                              VICK
                    There's only one thing left to do.
          They all exchange a knowing look...

                                                           SMASH CUT TO:

          $100,000 WORTH OF CHIPS BEING PLACED ON BLACK
          at a roulette table. The guys sweat, tense. Stu is insane.

                              STU
                    You sure we don't want red?! What
                    if the ball lands on red--!

                              VICK
                    Shut up, Stu.

                              ROULETTE CROUPIER
                    Betting is closed.
          The Croupier drops the ball into the wheel. It bounces, hops,
          spins... Vick crosses himself. Stu looks away.

                              STU
                    I can't watch! My   heart's gonna
                    explode! Can your   heart even
                    explode?! Because   I think my heart
                    is gonna explode!   I can't watch!
          The ball lands. Dead silence.

          

                                                                    88.

          

          

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    It's red, isn't it?! I knew it!
                    Tell me it's not red!

                              ALAN
                    It's not red...
          Stu turns, ecstatic--

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    It's green.
          The ball has stopped on green, DOUBLE ZERO. Stu clutches his
          chest, like he's having a seizure. Vick inhales, grim. Alan
          slowly drops to his knees. Chastity closes her eyes.
          Their HUGE PILE OF CHIPS is raked off the table...

                                                               CUT TO:

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- PARKING CIRCLE -- PRE-DAWN

          The guys pack their bags into Vick's beat-up Caddy. The mood
          is as dark as the pre-dawn sky. When the car is loaded,
          Chastity takes Alan's hands, gentle.

                              CHASTITY
                    Would you like me to come with?

                              ALAN
                    No...It might get a little
                    dangerous. I wouldn't want...
          He trails off. Chastity nods.

                              CHASTITY
                    I'm so sorry...about everything.

                              ALAN
                    Thanks for all your help.
          Awkward silence. The cold desert wind blows.

                              CHASTITY
                    There's no sense...in exchanging
                    numbers or anything...right?

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, probably not...
          Alan looks genuinely sad.

          

                                                                  89.

          

          

                              CHASTITY
                    Well...I'll always remember you as
                    a great first husband, then.
          They both smile weakly.

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    You can just send the divorce
                    papers to the Crazy Horse or
                    whatever...
          Alan nods, okay. Another awkward pause.

                              CHASTITY (CONT'D)
                    Thanks for reminding me that there
                    are still some really good guys out
                    there, Alan. I don't...I don't get
                    to meet too many of them.
          She smiles a bit sadly, kisses him on the cheek, and walks
          off. TIGHT ON Alan's Grandmother's ring still on her finger.
          Alan doesn't remember the ring, however; he's too busy
          watching her walk out of his life, and feeling a real sense
          of loss...
          Then Vick fires up the car next to him.

                              VICK
                    We gotta go, man.
          Alan nods, yeah, and gets in the car...

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- PRE-DAWN

          Vick's car races down a dark, abandoned desert highway. The
          guys look tired, stressed, and most of all, scared.

                              ALAN
                    Yep, just driving out to the middle
                    of desert to meet some mobsters,
                    what could possibly go wrong...?
          The guys all frown.

                              STU
                    So what's our plan?

                              ALAN
                    I think we should tell Mr. Lang
                    that we couldn't get the money, but
                    that, if he's amenable, we could
                    create a payment calendar--

          

                                                                     90.

          

          

                              VICK
                    We're gonna give Jimmy a dummy bag
                    of money, grab Doug, and make a run
                    for it.

                              ALAN
                    Yes, good! What an airtight plan--!

                               VICK
                    Jimmy Lang doesn't do payment
                    calendars, Alan! Trust me: this is
                    our only shot of getting Doug back!
                    Left turn!
          Vick skids onto Highway 12 -- a barely labelled dirt road.
          Things are quickly going from bad to worse...

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          THE FIRST RAYS OF DAWN
          streaking across Venice Beach.

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 6:04AM"

          INT. VENICE BUNGALOW -- MORNING

          Tracy exits her bedroom in her jammies, looking like she
          barely slept. Her father is up, and making breakfast.

                              TRACY
                    Any word from Doug?

                               MR. TURNER
                    Nope.

                        (BEAT)
                    I know you don't want to hear it,
                    Trace, but you deserve better.
          Tracy frowns, overwhelmed with stress.

                              TRACY
                    I'm sure everything's fine. They're
                    all smart, capable adults...

                                                              CUT TO:

          VICK DELICATELY LAYING CASH INSIDE HIS DUFFEL BAG
          on top of his dirty clothing, fruitlessly trying to create
          the appearance of a bag full of money. He's using some $20
          bills, but also some $5's and $1's.

          

                                                                     91.

          

          

                              VICK
                    This all the cash we got?
          The guys frown at their empty wallets, yeah. We are

          INT. VICK'S CAR/EXT. MOJAVE DESERT -- DAWN

          The Caddy is parked next to MILE MARKER 26 in the middle of
          the windy desert. The Las Vegas skyline is just barely
          visible in the distance.
          Vick very delicately zips up his duffel bag so as not to
          disturb the bills, and places it on his lap.

                              ALAN
                    This is the dumbest plan ever.

                              VICK
                    Alan I need you positive please.

                              STU
                    Here they come.
          They all look up to see a WHITE YUKON approaching on the far
          horizon, kicking up a trail of dust. The guys tense up.

                              VICK
                    Stuart?

                              STU
                    Yeah?

                              VICK
                    There's an emergency bottle of
                    tequila in my glove box. Get it out
                    please.
          Stu opens the glovebox, pulls out a bottle of Patron. He
          opens it, takes a swig, then passes it to Vick, who takes a
          pull and passes it to Alan, who also drinks.
          They all watch the white Yukon draw ever closer.

                              ALAN
                    I can't believe this is how we're
                    going to die...
          The Yukon pulls up about ten yards away. No one moves.
          The Yukon's doors open... The Cadillac's doors open...
          TIGHT ON the Jimmy Lang's RED BOOT as it hits the road...

          

                                                                     92.

          

          
          TIGHT ON Vick's LEATHER SHOE, then Alan's SAILING TOPSIDER,
          then Stu's FLIP-FLOP, as they all hit the dusty road...
          The two parties stand by their respective cars, facing off.
          Somewhere in the desert, a rattlesnake RATTLES.

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Let's see the money!
          Vick gently holds up his duffel bag.

                              VICK
                    Let's see Doug!
          Jimmy Lang nods to Kalolo, who opens the back door of the
          Yukon and pulls out a GUY with his hands tied behind his back
          and a plastic RALPH'S BAG over his head; he struggles a bit.
          The guys look a bit alarmed.

                              ALAN
                    Jesus, what'd they do to him?

                              VICK
                    Pull off the Ralph's bag!
          Jimmy yanks the bag off of the guy's head to reveal

          IT'S NOT DOUG
          It's some black dude. Vick, Stu, and Alan look confused.

                              VICK
                    Who the hell is that?!

                              JIMMY LANG

                        (ANNOYED)
                    This is Doug!
          He pushes the guy forward.

                              ALAN
                    Oh my God: it's the other Doug!
                    Roger's friend, the cake designer!

                              BLACK DOUG
                        (to Jimmy Lang)
                    I told you, man, I'm Doug Howland!
                    I barely even know these guys!

                              VICK
                    Yeah, you got the wrong Doug, man!

          

                                                                    93.

          

          
          Jimmy Lang and the thugs look exasperated.

                                 JIMMY LANG
                    You sure?!

                              VICK
                    Yeah, man, our Doug is white!

                              JIMMY LANG
                    But you were partying with this guy
                    at my birthday thing!

                              VICK
                    I don't know what to tell you, bro,
                    this isn't the Doug we requested!

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Well. I apologize for the mix-up...
                        (drawing his HUGE GUN)
                    But I'm still gonna need my money.
          Vick and the guys start backtracking towards their car.

                              ALAN
                    Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God...

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Don't move, Vick.
          Vick freezes, duffel in hand, as Stu and Alan slink from
          view. Jimmy reaches Vick, gun calmly trained at his head.

                              JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    Now please. Give me my money.
          All eyes on Vick, anxiously clutching the bag in his hand...
          Sweat beads on his brow...

                              JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    Don't be stupid, son. You--
          Then Vick throws a hard left hook, SLAMMING Jimmy square in
          his massive stomach! And

          NOTHING HAPPENS
          Jimmy is built like a tank. Vick freezes, oh shit. Then Jimmy
          PISTOL-WHIPS Vick -- his lip explodes with blood and he falls
          to the ground.

                              VICK
                    Christ that hurts!

          

                                                                     94.

          

          
          Then Jimmy picks up the duffel bag. Hefts it. Feels wrong. He
          goes to open the zipper when he hears:

                               STU

                     AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
          Jimmy looks up to see Stu insanely charging him like the
          linebacker he once was! Jimmy raises his gun, but

          STU TACKLES JIMMY TO THE GROUND FIRST!
          The gun flies free and they wrestle for it! Dust flies!

          BACK BY THE YUKON
          The two Guamians fumble for their guns -- but it's difficult
          with huge CASTS on their shooting hands!

          ON BLACK DOUG
          He sees what's going down, and, his hands tied behind his
          back, takes off sprinting towards Vegas!

          BY THE CADDILAC
          Alan looks around, what should I do?! What should I do?! Then
          he spots the keys in the ignition of the car. He hops in and
          fires up the engine! Just then

          THE TWO GUAMIANS OPEN FIRE
          Bullets pound into the Cadillac! Alan ducks down, terrified,
          and floors the gas!

                               ALAN
                     I'm being shot at! I'm being shot
                     at!

          UP AHEAD
          Jimmy Lang throws Stu off of him and recovers his gun,
          panting. He cocks it, aims it at Stu on the ground.

                               JIMMY LANG
                     I really didn't want to kill anyone

                     TODAY--
          Then WHAM! Alan drives the car into Jimmy Lang at 25mph!
          The obese mobster is pitched off his feet, and lands a good
          ten yards away, in a heap of dust!
          The guys freeze, shocked.

          

                                                                  95.

          

          
          The Guamians freeze, shocked.

                              ALAN
                    Oh my god, is he okay?!

                              VICK
                    Who cares! Go go!
          Alan floors the car while Stu and Vick SPRINT and DIVE in!
          The caddy peels the hell out of there, kicking up rocks and
          dust! The Guamians FIRE after them!

          BULLETS IMPACT ALL ALL OVER CAR
          taking out the tail-lights, the windshield, the headrests.
          The guys duck down til they're sufficiently far away. Then
          they sit up, amazed, out of breath.

                              STU
                    I can't believe you just saved my
                    life!

                              VICK
                    I can't believe you just drove my
                    car into Jimmy Lang!
          Alan drives, his eyes as big as saucers.

                              STU
                    He's gonna be really upset!

                              ALAN
                    Yeah, I was just thinking that!

          BACK ON JIMMY LANG
          The huge mobster lies face-down on the desert floor. His two
          henchmen waddle up, highly concerned.

                              KIKIOLANI
                    Boss, Boss, you okay?!
          Jimmy sputters into the dirt, furious.

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Find Vick... And kill him.

          INT. VICK'S CAR -- DAWN

          The guys race down the dusty highway in traumatized silence.

                              ALAN
                    Now can we call Tracy?

          

                                                                  96.

          

          
          Vick frowns and blots his split lip with his sleeve.

                              VICK
                    Yeah. It's probably time.

                                                            CUT TO:

          EXT. MOJAVE DESERT -- LONE PAYPHONE -- DAWN

          The guys pull up at a lone, dusty payphone in the middle of
          the desert. They all look at the phone.

                              ALAN
                    Who wants to make the call?
          Beat. Then Vick reaches for his nose, odd man out. Stu and
          Alan immediately reach for their noses, too. It's close.

                              STU
                    That was you!

                              ALAN
                    What?! No! I beat you by a mile!

                              STU
                    Vick, who won?!

                               VICK

                        (FROWNING)
                    Actually...I should do it. This
                    weekend was mostly my fault. I need
                    to Man Up.
          Alan looks shocked -- and impressed -- by Vick's newfound
          sense of responsibility.

                              ALAN
                    Well, I'll be damned...
          Vick grabs the bottle of Patron, takes a long swig. Beat.

                              VICK
                    I still can't believe Stu banged my
                    sister.
          Vick hands the bottle to Alan, gets out, and makes for the
          pay phone...

                                                            CUT TO:

          INT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          Tracy is putting on her makeup in the bridal suite. Her stern
          dad blows in.

          

                                                                     97.

          

          

                              MR. TURNER
                    Any word from Doug?
          The way he spits out "Doug" tells us all we need to know
          about how Mr. Turner feels about his future son-in-law.

                              TRACY
                    No, but I'm sure he's--
          Just then, Tracy's CELL PHONE rings. She quickly answers it.

                                TRACY (CONT'D)
                    Hello?

          INTERCUT WITH:

          VICK
          In the desert, on the pay phone, looking through his busted
          aviators into the rising sun.

                              VICK
                    Tracy, it's Vick.

                                TRACY
                    Hey Vick!

                              VICK
                    Listen, honey...The bachelor party
                    got a little out of control and,
                    well...we lost Doug.

                              TRACY
                        (her jaw dropping)
                    What?! But we're getting married in
                    like four hours!

                              VICK
                    Yeah, that's not gonna happen...

          BACK IN THE CAR
          Alan starts to take a pull of Patron -- when he freezes,
          realizing something!

          BACK TO VICK
          on the phone with Tracy, being genuinely contrite.

                              VICK
                    Look, I'm really sorry, Trace. This
                    is all my fault--

          

                                                                    98.

          

          
          Suddenly, Alan flies out of nowhere and snatches the receiver
          out of Vick's hand!

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    What the--?!
          Alan gets on the phone with Tracy, his heart racing.

                              ALAN
                    Tracy, it's Alan! Hey, Vick is just
                    joking around! We've got Doug right
                    here!
          Vick looks like: what?!

                              TRACY

                        (HORRIFIED)
                    What kind of joke is that?!

                              ALAN
                    I know, Vick is such a prick! We'll
                    see you at the wedding! Bye!
          Alan hangs up and races back to the car. Vick follows.

                              VICK
                    What are you doing?

                              ALAN
                    I know where Doug is!

                                                              CUT TO:

          INT. BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          Tracy stands in her bridal suite. Then she just BREAKS DOWN
          SOBBING. Her father hurries over, concerned...

                                                          CUT BACK TO:

          EXT. MOJAVE DESERT -- DAY

          Alan floors the car back onto the 15 towards Vegas, amped!

                              ALAN
                    Remember when we saw Doug's bed
                    impaled on the griffin thing?!

                              STU
                    Yeah, we threw it out the window.

                               ALAN
                    No: the windows don't open,
                    remember?!

          

                                                         99.

          

          

                               VICK
                    So how did--?

                        (REALIZING)
                    Oh my God.

                              STU
                    I don't get it.

                              ALAN
                    And that's why we've been seeing
                    Doug's clothes all over Vegas! He
                    was trying to signal someone!

                              VICK
                    I don't believe it...

                              STU
                    I-I still don't get it--

                              ALAN
                    And it totally jives with the
                    timeline, right?! We brought Doug
                    back to the hotel at 5:00, he was
                    passed out...

                              VICK
                    It's so obvious!

                              STU
                    Not...to me...so much?

                              VICK
                    How'd you figure it out?!

                              ALAN
                    The Patron, man! It reminded me of
                    our first drink of the night!

                              VICK
                    Honestly, dude, you're a genius.

                              STU

                    CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE

                    DOUG IS?!

                              VICK
                    He's on the roof!
          Stu looks confused, the roof?

          

                                                                    100.

          

          

                               ALAN
                     After Doug passed out, we must've
                     taken him up there in his bed as a
                     prank, so he'd wake up on the roof
                     or whatever? Then we forgot him.

                               VICK
                     And all day he's been throwing his
                     crap off the roof, trying to signal
                     someone to get him down!

                               STU
                     You think he's still up there?!

                               ALAN
                     Only one way to find out...

                                                          SMASH CUT TO:

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- DAY

          The guys peel up to the valet and sprint out of the car.

          INT. MANDALAY BAY -- LOBBY -- DAY

          The guys race through the lobby at top speed.

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- ROOFTOP -- DAY

          The guys burst out of the steel door, onto the massive black
          tar roof. It's empty.

                               ALAN

                     DOUG?! DOUG?!

                               VICK

                     WHERE ARE YOU, MAN?!
          But Doug is nowhere to be seen. The guys start to despair...
          Then...stepping out from behind an air-conditioning vent,
          naked except for tighty-whities, his entire body bright pink
          from sunburn...

          IS DOUG!
          And he looks furious. The guys run to him, overjoyed!

                               ALAN

                     DOUG!

                               STU
                     Oh my god, I'm so glad you're okay!

          

                                                                   101.

          

          
          Before they can hug him, though, Doug holds up his hand, and
          whispers, nasty, parched:

                              DOUG
                    Don't...even...talk to me.
          The guys stop short.

                              VICK
                    Okay, no, that's cool!

                              STU
                    Yeah, you have every right to be
                    upset! We validate your anger!

                                                               CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 7:05AM"

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY/INT. VICK'S CAR -- MORNING

          The guys gingerly rush Doug, now in a Mandalay Bay bathrobe
          and clutching an arm-full of BOTTLED WATERS, through the
          hotel lobby. Alan is arguing into his cellphone.
          As they pass ATASHIR at his desk, Vick yells over:

                              VICK
                    Why'd you do it, sweet Atashir?!
                    Why did you betray us?!

                              ATASHIR
                    Because they paid me. And also
                    because you're kind of racist.

                              VICK
                    Fair enough! See you next time, you
                    beautiful Judas!
          They blow out of the hotel...

          EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- VALET -- CONTINUOUS

          ...where their beatup Caddy is waiting. Alan slams his
          cellphone shut, frowning.

                              ALAN
                    No flights to LA with empty seats!

                              STU
                    Well, we can't drive! It's 350
                    miles to LA and the wedding starts
                    at 10, which is in--

                              (MORE)

          

                                                                    102.

          

                              STU (CONT'D)
                        (looking at watch)
                    --three hours!
          Beat. Then Vick, Stu and Alan exchange a look...a smile
          slowly creeps across their faces.

                                                         SMASH CUT TO:

          THE TOTALLED CADILLAC ROCKETING DOWN I-15
          Vick is at the wheel, leaning on the HORN, keeping the three-
          doored Caddy at 110 miles per hour. When traffic gets thick,
          he doesn't hesitate to drive in the shoulder.
          In the backseat, Doug chugs bottled water, still simmering.

                              VICK
                    Look, Doug, I think I speak for
                    everyone in the car when I say I'm
                    really sorry about locking you on
                    the roof of the hotel.

                              STU
                    You gotta admit, it's a pretty
                    funny prank... I mean, up until the
                    part when we forgot all about you.
          Doug just stares out at the desert in stony silence.

                              STU (CONT'D)
                    He's still not talking to us.

                              ALAN
                    Totally understandable, man.
                    Whenever you're ready...

                                                              CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 9:15AM"

          EXT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- DAY

          Workers bustle about the grand lawn of the Bel Air Bay Club,
          putting the last touches on the outdoor wedding site.
          It's beautiful: the royal palms, the expansive views of the
          Pacific, the white chairs in perfect rows, the altar adorned
          in roses. A HARPIST begins to warm up as well-heeled GUESTS
          filter in, finding their seats...

          

                                                                    103.

          

          

          INT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          Tracy checks her watch as a HAIRSTYLIST works on her hair.
          Then she checks her watch again...

                                                              CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 9:47AM"

          EXT. INTERSTATE 10 -- DAY

          A GARY'S TUXEDO VAN speeds up alongside the Caddy as they fly
          down the 10 freeway. A very nervous TEENAGER opens the van's
          sliding door and, wind whipping his face, throws a huge
          PACKAGE over to Alan, who stands and catches it! Vick nods at
          the van driver and shouts over the wind:

                                VICK

                      I OWE YOU, NEECO!
          The driver gives Vick a thumbs up, and heads off. Alan rips
          open the package -- inside are four TUXEDOS. The guys start
          taking off their tattered clothes...

                                                              CUT TO:

          EXT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- DAY

          All the seats at the wedding are filled. Everyone is there.
          Except the Groomsmen. Or the Groom. The harpist still plays,
          though she's starting to look a little pissed.

          INT. BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          Looking beautiful in her wedding gown, Tracy gazes out of the
          window at the perfect wedding arranged below...
          Then she notices guests whispering, is something wrong?
          Where's the groom? She turns away, trying to hold it
          together...

                                                              CUT TO:

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 10:03AM"

          INT. VICK'S CAR/EXT. THE 10 FREEWAY -- DAY

          The guys,   now in their tuxes, rocket down the freeway,
          primping.   Alan brushes his teeth, Doug tries to comb his
          hair, Stu   flosses, and Vick shaves with an electric razor as
          he weaves   in and out of traffic...

                                                              CUT TO:

          

                                                                 104.

          

          

          TITLE CARD: "SUNDAY, 10:19AM"

          INT. BRIDAL SUITE -- DAY

          Tracy paces in the bridal suite. Then Mr. Turner enters.

                              MR. TURNER
                    I'm sorry, honey, but I think you
                    need to seriously consider that
                    Doug might not be coming...
          Tracy stops short, speechless.

                               MR. TURNER (CONT'D)
                    Some men just aren't cut out for
                    this kind of commitment. I'm so
                    sorry that this is how you had to
                    find out--
          Just then, we hear a car SQUEALING UP outside...

          INT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB

          The Bridesmaids sit around the posh lobby, waiting, anxious.
          Just then, the doors blow open and

          VICK, ALAN, STU, AND DOUG
          stride inside! Their tuxes are wrinkled, their hair is a
          mess, and the groom is bright pink -- but they're here.

                              VICK
                    Sorry, Mapquest took us a crazy
                    route. We ready to do this thing?
          The bridesmaids sit up, stunned.

                                                             CUT TO:

          TRACY AND HER FATHER
          walking down the aisle, arm-in-arm, as Mozart plays. Tracy
          looks tentative. Her father frowns, not at all happy...

          IN THE AUDIENCE
          Everyone smiles, AHHS, and snaps photos...

          AT THE ALTAR
          The groomsmen smile as well. Vick whispers to Doug:

                              VICK
                    She looks beautiful, man.

          

                                                                 105.

          

          
          Doug still doesn't speak to him.

                              VICK (CONT'D)
                    That's cool. I get it.

          TRACY
          reaches the altar, then turns to her dad. His face is a mess
          of emotions. They hug.

                              TRACY
                    I love you, Daddy.

                              MR. TURNER
                    I love you too, pumpkin.
          Tracy's Dad shoots Doug a nasty look before taking his seat
          in the first row.
          Then Tracy approaches Doug at the altar, and whispers to him,
          angry, hurt:

                              TRACY
                    Where were you? And why are you
                    pink?

                              DOUG
                    It's a long story. All I can say is
                    I'm so sorry. And I promise, for as
                    long as we're married, I will never
                    ever put you through something like
                    this again.
                        (desperate, pleading)
                    Can... Can you forgive me?
          Tracy studies his face, searching...
          All the guests wait with bated breath...
          The groomsmen wince, come on come on come on...
          Then, unable to be mad at Doug, Tracy smiles and kisses him.
          He kisses her back. The guests all SIGH in relief. The
          groomsmen exhale, whew. Vick and Alan covertly knock fists.
          The Minister clears his throat.

                              MINISTER
                    We, um, we traditionally wait til
                    the end for the kiss...?
          But Doug and Tracy just keep on kissing...

                                                 MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

          

                                                                    106.

          

          

          DOUG AND TRACY STILL KISSING
          at the reception. The entire wedding party is applauding.

          CHAMPAGNE IS UNCORKED
          and the WEDDING BAND kicks in. We are now down on the lawn,
          where white tables and a dance floor have been set up.

          STANDING IN THE BACK OF THE RECEPTION
          Vick, Stu, and Alan aggressively APPLAUD and WHISTLE for the
          bride and the groom.

                              VICK
                    We did it, fellahs. We pulled it
                    off.

                              ALAN
                    I never had a doubt.
          They LAUGH. Alan smiles, more relaxed than we've ever seen
          him. They sip champagne and watch Doug and Tracy enjoy their
          first dance on the dance floor.

                              STU
                    You think Doug's ever going to talk
                    to us again?

                              VICK
                    Give him time.

                              ALAN
                    Yeah. Like a decade or two--
          Then Stu sees someone approaching over Alan's shoulder.

                              STU
                    Uh-oh.
          The guys all look over to see

          BECKY
          Alan's girlfriend of 14 years, bearing down on them, irate.

                              VICK
                    Hey Beck--!

                              BECKY
                    Shut up, Vick! Alan, where the hell
                    have you been?! I've been calling
                    and calling! What, you don't answer
                    your phone anymore?!

          

                                                                    107.

          

          
          Alan shrinks down, back to being the chastised boyfriend.

                               ALAN
                     I-I'm so sorry, I can explain--
          Then there's a WOMAN'S VOICE behind them.

                                 WOMAN'S VOICE
                     Alan?
          They all turn to see

          CHASTITY
          standing behind them in a very sexy, very elegant dress, her
          hair back. She cleans up nicely. Alan swallows, whoa.

                               VICK
                     This just got complicated...

                                 ALAN
                     Jennifer?
          Chastity smiles that he called her by her real name.

                               CHASTITY
                     I-I know I wasn't invited, but I
                     just had to return this...
          She hands Alan his GRANDMOTHER'S HOLOCAUST RING. Becky
          watches on, stunned.

                               BECKY
                     Okay: who the hell is this chick,
                     and why the hell does she have your
                     Grandmother's wedding ring?!
          Alan looks back and forth between Becky and Chastity...
          It's the moment of truth. The fork in life's road...

                               BECKY (CONT'D)
                     Talk, you moron! Jesus, you're just
                     like your mother! Talk! Who's the
                     ho wearing my ring?!
          And in that moment, it all becomes so clear. Alan turns:

                               ALAN
                     She's my wife.
          Becky's jaw drops. Chastity smiles slightly. Stu and Vick
          grin, oh shit!

          

                                                                 108.

          

          

                              ALAN (CONT'D)
                    We don't make each other happy
                    anymore, Beck. And we can keep not
                    making each other happy for another
                    14 years -- hell, maybe even
                    another 50 years -- but let's not.
                    Let's find people who make our
                    hearts race. Let's be excited and
                    fun and alive again...
          Alan looks at Becky, sincere, honest. Beat.

                              BECKY
                    Are you fucking kidding me?
          Alan shakes his head, sadly, no.

                              ALAN
                    I'm sorry, Beck. I really am.
                        (to Chastity)
                    Can I buy you a free drink?
          Chastity smiles, takes his arm, and they walk off together
          towards the bar.

                              CHASTITY
                    We're not...actually...still
                    married, are we?

                              ALAN
                    Let's start with dinner, and see
                    where it goes...?

                              CHASTITY
                        (smiling warmly)
                    I'd like that.

          BACK ON BECKY
          She finally recovers enough to speak:

                              BECKY
                    Alan! Alan Steven Mervish, get back
                    here this second!
                        (but Alan keeps walking)
                    Don't you walk away from me, you
                    stupid little clown! I own you! GET

                    BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!
          But Alan just keeps walking away with Chastity. Vick and Stu
          wave him on, go dude! Go!
          Then Becky turns on them. Beat. They both scatter, terrified.

          

                                                                    109.

          

          

          STAY WITH STU
          as he hurries off through the crowd. After a moment, he

          HEARS:

                              VOICE
                    Daddy?!
          Stu turns to see his TWO ANGELIC DAUGHTERS in sundresses
          racing through the crowd towards him! They leap into his
          arms, so excited to see him! He scoops them both up.

                              STU
                    Oh, I missed you guys so much!

                              HAYLEE
                    We missed you too, daddy!

                              KAITLIN
                    You're the best dad ever!
          Beat.
          And then Stu just starts BAWLING. Tears everywhere.
          His lovely wife ERIN appears, harried, a diaper bag over her
          shoulder, and sees him crying. She rolls her eyes.

                              ERIN
                    Jesus, are you still drunk?
          Stu shakes his head, no, and keeps SOBBING as he pulls her
          into a big family hug...

          INT. BEL AIR BAY CLUB -- MEN'S BATHROOM -- LATER

          Vick, a cocktail in hand, his tie undone, heads into the
          men's room and approaches a urinal. Then KIKIOLANI and KALOLO
          FANALUA walk in behind him, still in their huge arm casts,
          still very pissed. Vick inhales, scared.

                              VICK
                    Okay, okay, I'll go with you.
                    Just...don't ruin the wedding.
          Then JIMMY LANG enters the bathroom on RED CRUTCHES.

                              JIMMY LANG
                    I really didn't want it to end like
                    this, Vick.
          Vick nods, resigned, and starts towards him. Then Jimmy
          extends his hand for Vick to shake.

          

                                                                   110.

          

          

                                 JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    Good luck.

                              VICK
                        (totally thrown)
                    Um, what...?

                              JIMMY LANG
                    Your friend Alan just paid your
                    marker. Took out a second mortgage
                    on his house. The full 200 grand,
                    plus medical expenses, which I
                    thought was a classy touch.
          Vick looks blown away.

                              JIMMY LANG (CONT'D)
                    Without our friends, we are
                    nothing, Vick. Remember that.
          The three injured mobsters exit. Vick remains standing there,
          overwhelmed, his life literally saved...

                                                          DISSOLVE TO:

          VICK, STU, AND ALAN
          standing on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific, drinks in
          hand, as the wedding reception rages on behind them.

                              VICK
                    I will pay you back, you know.

                              ALAN
                    Damn straight you will!
          They all LAUGH.

                              VOICE BEHIND THEM
                    Okay, so what the hell happened
                    this weekend?
          The guys turn to see Doug approaching, smiling. They grin as
          he falls in with them, looking out at the calm blue ocean.

                              VICK
                    Well, Alan married a stripper, Stu
                    went gay, and I learned a very
                    important life lesson from an obese
                    hoodlum.

                              STU
                    We'll tell you the whole story when
                    you get back from your honeymoon.

          

                                                                   111.

          

          

                              ALAN
                    We really are sorry, man.
          Doug nods, I know. Vick raises his cocktail.

                              VICK
                    To Doug and Tracy.

                              STU
                    To Doug and Tracy.

                              ALAN
                    To Doug and Tracy.

                              DOUG
                    To me and Tracy -- and to being
                    here, with my three former best
                    friends in the world...
          The guys LAUGH.

                               DOUG (CONT'D)
                    There's nowhere else I'd rather be
                    right now.
          They nod, heartfelt, hear-hear.

                              DOUG (CONT'D)
                    That said, let's not get too stupid
                    tonight, okay? I'm going on my
                    honeymoon in 24 hours...
          The guys all nod reassuringly.

                              THE GUYS
                    No, no. / We'll be good. / Totally,
                    dude.
          The guys exchange a sly smile, CLINK glasses, then

                                                         CUT TO BLACK.


         THE END