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There's Something About Mary Movie Script

Writer(s) : Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, Ed Decter, John J. Strauss

Genres : Comedy, Romance

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There's Something About Mary Screenplay by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss (FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY) FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT OCTOBER 21, 1997

                                                       FADE IN:

EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
PELOQUIN.

                        MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
           When I was sixteen years old I fell in
           love...

CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

                        TED
           Hey, Renise.

She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.

                        RENISE
           Hey.

                        TED
           So what's up?

                        RENISE
           Eh.

                        TED
           Great. Great.
                 (beat)
           So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
           wanted to go to the prom you know, with
           me.

Renise looks unenthused.

                        TED (cont'd)
           It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
           want.

                        RENISE
           See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
           this guy I like was gonna ask me.

                        TED
           Uh-huh.

                        RENISE
           Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
           happens there...But that sounds great,
           yeah.

Ted nods, confused.

                        TED
           Okay.
                 (beat)
           So is that a yes or a no?

                        RENISE
           I think I was very clear, Ted. If
           everything else falls apart, maybe.

Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

                        TED
           I'm gonna hold you to that.

                                                        CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.

                        MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
           Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
           little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
           years earlier.

She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

                        MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
           Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
           had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
           better life if you could only know her.

As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

                        FRIEND #1
           Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
           with?

Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

                        TED
           Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
           know, not my style.

                        FRIEND #2
           You have a style?

                        FRIEND #1
           Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?

                        TED
                 (perks up)
           Who?

Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

                        FRIEND #1
           Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
           spend enough fucking time with her.

The guys LAUGH.

                        TED
                 (out of ammo but doesn't
                  know it)
           Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
           palm?

His friends stare at him.

                        FRIEND #1
           Clever. I like the way you just spun that
           around on me.

Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

                        FRIEND #2
           I wonder who she's going with.

                        FRIEND #1
           Some guy named Woogie.

                        TED
           Who?

                        FRIEND #1
           Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.

This irks Ted.

                        TED
           Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
           a loser.

                        FRIEND #1
           Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
           and basketball and valedictorian of his
           class.

                        FRIEND #2
           I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
           but he's going to Europe first to model.

This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

                        FRIEND #3
           Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

Everyone looks at him.

                        FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
           I heard.

Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

                        FRIEND #1
           Hey, check it out.

THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           You seen my baseball?

                        CAR HOOD KID #2
           No.

The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           You seen my baseball?

ON CAR HOOD KIDS

                        CAR HOOD KID #1
                 (to his buddies)
           This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
                 (to Ear-Muff Guy)
           Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
           your ball is.

The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           You seen my baseball?

                        CAR HOOD KID #1
           Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
           has it.

Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

                        CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
           'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
           has another name for it...

                                                       CUT TO:

ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           You seen my pecker?

                        GIRL
           What?!

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           You seen my pecker?

The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

                        BOYFRIEND
           You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!

The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

                        TED
           Take it easy, Smokey.

                        BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
           This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!

                        TED
           All right, just be cool.
                 (under breath)
           He looks like he's not all there, you know
           what I mean?

A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

                        BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
           Get the fuck out of my way, man!

Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.

                        MARY
           What's going on here?

She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Are you all right?

                        EAR-MUFF GUY
           Mary, you seen my baseball?

                        MARY
           No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
           Warren, you know you're not supposed to
           leave the yard by yourself.

                        BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
                 (to Mary)
           You know him?

                        MARY
           He's my brother.

                        BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
           Oh.
                 (beat)
           I didn't realize he was...you know...

At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.

Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.

                        MARY
           You okay?

HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
himself off.

                        TED
           Oh yeah. Fine.

                        MARY
           Thanks a lot, Ted.

CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.

                        MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
           That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
           my best friends didn't know my name.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING

Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.

                        MARY
           Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
           yourself?

                        TED
           No, it's an old football injury.

                        MARY
           Oh, are you on the team?

                        TED
           No, a couple of the players and me were
           joking around and, uh, I fell off the
           school.

Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.

                        WARREN
           Piggyback ride?

                        MARY
           Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.

Warren pats his back again.

                        WARREN
           Piggyback ride.

                        TED
                 (to Mary)
           I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.

                        MARY
           Oh he can hold you. He weighs
           two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.

                        TED
           A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?

Ted hops onto Warren's back.

                        TED (cont'd)
           Giddy-up.

Warren walks about five feet and stops.

                        WARREN
           My turn now.

Off Ted's reaction, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY

Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.

                        TED
                 (straining)
           We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?

                        WARREN
           Giddy-up.

Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
on, amused.

                        MARY
           So who you taking to the prom?

                        TED
           Huh?

                        MARY
           The prom--you going?

                        TED
           Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
           dumb.

                        MARY
           'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
           if you weren't already taking someone.

                        TED
           I mean dumb in the sense that they only
           happen once a year.

She smiles at this.

                        MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
           From that moment on the guys at school
           looked at me in a whole new light.

                                                       CUT TO:

CLOSE ON FRIEND #1

                        FRIEND #1
           You're a fucking liar!

EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.

                        FRIEND #2
           You expect us to believe you're going to
           the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?

                        TED
           They broke up. She said he started getting
           weird on her.

                        FRIEND #1
           I got twenty bucks says you're full of
           shit.

                        TED
           Oh come on, why would I lie?

                        FRIEND #1
           Because you're a loser, and in some warped
           way this gives you a momentary sense of
           worth.

                        FRIEND #2
           Put me down for fifty.

                        FRIEND #3
           I'm in.

As the others join in, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.

EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT

Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.

                        MARY'S DAD
           Yeah? What do you want?

                        TED
           Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
           Mary to the prom.

                        MARY'S DAD
           Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
           just left for the prom with her boyfriend
           Woogie.

Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
           Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
           joke a minute.

                        TED
           Oh.
                 (relieved)
           Oh, that's a good one.

INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.

                        TED
           Hey, Warren.

Warren doesn't look his way.

Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
his eyes.

                        MARY
           Hi, Ted.

                        TED
           Hi, Mary.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
           barrels from the Wisenheimer here.

                        MARY
           Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?

Mary's Dad shrugs.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Warren, did you say hi to Ted?

                        WARREN
                 (not looking up)
           'Bout ten times.

                        TED
           Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
           baseball is.

This finally gets Warren's attention.

                        WARREN
           You seen my baseball?

We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.

                        TED
           Well, if it's a big white one with red
           stitching, I think I saw it right behind
           your ear ..

Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.

                        MARY
           Warren!!!

Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
HEADLOCK.

                        MARY'S DAD
                 (to Ted)
           What the hell are you doing?!

                        MARY'S MOM
           Teddy, let him go!

                        TED
                 (out of breath)
           I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.

The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

                        MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
                 (to Ted)
           Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
           doing?!

                        TED
           I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
           baseball.

                        MARY'S MOM
           What baseball? Where's a baseball?

Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

                        TED
           There was a ball I had a honest.

As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
the couch.

                        MARY (to Ted)
           I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
           thing about his ears.

                        TED
           Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

                        MARY
           Are you all right?

                        TED
           Oh yeah.

                        MARY'S MOM
                 (to Mary)
           Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

Mary looks down and frowns.

                        MARY
           Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
           I have to iron this thing.

Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.

Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

                        TED
                 (to Mary's Dad)
           May I use your bathroom?

INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT

Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

Ted smiles...

...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...

SNAP FOCUS

...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

ON TED...

...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
HORRIFIED.

PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

                        TED
           YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
bathroom.

                        MARY
                 (knocking gently)
           Ted, are you okay?

                        TED (O.S.)
                 (pained)
           Just a minute.

                        MARY'S MOM
           He's been in there over half an hour.
                 (whispering)
           Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

                        MARY
           Mom!

                        MARY'S MOM
           Well he was watching you undress with a
           silly grin on his face.

                        TED (O.S.)
                 (pained)
           I was watching the birds!

They all look at one another.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Charlie, do something.

                        MARY'S DAD
           All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

                        MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
           What seems to be the situation here? You
           shit yourself or something?

                        TED
           I wish.

Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

                        TED (cont'd)
           I, uh...I got it stuck.

                        MARY'S DAD
           You got what stuck?

                        TED
           It.

                        MARY'S DAD
           It?
                 (beat)
           Oh it. All right, these things happen,
           let me have a look. It's not the end of the
           world.

Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

                        MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
           OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

                        TED (O.S.)
           Shhhhhh!

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

                        MARY'S DAD
                 (CALLS OUT)
           Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!

                        TED
           What?! No please, sir--

                        MARY'S DAD
           She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
           to do.

Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Teddy, hon, are you okay?
                 (moving closer, seeing the situation)
           OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

                        TED
           Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
           are we looking at here?

                        TED
                 (dizzy)
           What do you mean?

                        MARY'S MOM
                 (delicate)
           I mean is it...is it...?

                        MARY'S DAD
                 (gruff)
           Is it the frank or the beans?

                        TED
           I think a little of both.

Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

                        WARREN (O.S.)
           Franks and beans!

Ted hangs his head.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

                        MARY
                 (to Warren)
           Shhhh.

                        MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
           What the hell's that bubble?

Mary REACTS to this.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

                        TED
           One guess.

                        MARY'S DAD
           How the hell'd you get the beans all the
           way up top like that?

                        TED
           I don't know. It's not like it was a well
           thought-out plan.

                        MARY'S MOM
           Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
           through there.

                        MARY'S DAD
           I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
           was about, pumpkin.

                        MARY'S MOM
           I'm going to get some Bactine.

                        TED
           No, please!

Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Ho there.

                        TED
                 (humiliated)
           Oh God.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
           heard a lady scream.

                        MARY'S DAD
           You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
           look at this beauty.

                        TED
           No, that's really unneces--

But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
           you thinking?

                        TED
                 (frustrated)
           I wasn't trying--

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Is that bubble what I think it is? 

Mary's parents nod.

                        POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
           But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
           the way to the top?

                        MARY'S DAD
           Let's just say the kid's limber.

The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Well, there's only one thing to do.

                        TED
           No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
           shirttail out and work on it in the
           morning.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.

The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

                        TED
           No, no, please!

                        MARY'S MOM
           Teddy, be brave.

                        WARREN (O.S.)
           Beans and franks!

                        MARY (O.S.)
           Warren, shhh.

Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

                        POLICE OFFICER
           It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
           A-one and a-two and...

                                                       CUT TO:

                        PARAMEDIC
           We got a bleeder!

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

                        PARAMEDIC
                 (to Mary)
           Keep pressure on it!

Mary does as she's told.

                        MARY
                 (running along)
           Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
           okay?

                        TED
                 (irrational cockiness)
           You betcha!

He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.

INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS

The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY

Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

                        TED
           ...Anyway, school ended a few days later
           and that July her father got transferred to
           Florida.

The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.

                        TED (cont'd)
           It took me half the summer to pay off all
           those bets.
                 (sighs)
           I never did see Mary again. That was about
           twelve years ago.

Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
collar.)

                        PSYCHIATRIST
           Uh-huh. Interesting.

The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.

                        TED
           Anyway, it's not something you exactly
           forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
           it out of my head. Then about a week ago
           I'm driving on the highway and I got to
           thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
           breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
           of traffic anymore I felt like I was
           going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
           parked the car, and just started shaking.

The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

                        PSYCHIATRIST
           You know...rest areas are homosexual
           hang-outs.

                        TED
           Huh?

                        PSYCHIATRIST
           Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
           of the nineties for some gay men.

Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

                        TED
           What are you saying?

                        PSYCHIATRIST
                 (checking wristwatch)
           Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
           that next week.

Off Ted's look, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

                        DOM
           Gay? He said you were gay?

                        TED
           He implied it.

                        DOM
           Well you're a writer, and a lot of
           writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.

                        TED
           Yeah, but he was successful.

                        DOM
           Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
           cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?

Ted appears to think about this.

                        TED
           Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

                        DOM
           I'm going to fix you up with my new
           assistant.

                        TED
           What's he like?

Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

                        DOM
           You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
                 (beat)
           You're going to like this one--she's half
           Asian, half American.

                        TED
           Good-looking?

                        DOM
           I just told you, she's half Asian. half
           American. They're all good looking. You
           could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
           they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
           a foolproof combo.

Ted thinks about it.

                        TED
           What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
           in a slump.
                 (SIGHS)
           Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
           a loser.

                        DOM
           Loser? You?

Ted shrugs.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
           when your kidneys failed? If you were a
           loser would they have been able to find a
           donor with an exact tissue match? What are
           the odds of that, one in a million?

                        TED
           Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
           killed in an explosion?

                        DOM
           I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
           those kids found his kidneys.
                 (beat)
           Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
           shit about you.

Ted gives him a look.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
           guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.

Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

                        TED
           I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
                 (flips phone open)
           Ted here.

                        GARBLED VOICE
                 (on phone)
           You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
           puke!

Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.

                        TED
           Yep.

EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.

DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

                        DOM'S WIFE
           I thought you guys might like these with
           your beers.

                        DOM
           Thanks, baby.

She goes back inside.

                        TED
           See, that's what I want. I don't need these
           bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
           you have. A family....Someone to...you
           know...love.

These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
little embarrassed.

                        TED (cont'd)
           It must be great with a wife like that.

                        DOM
           Each day is better than the next.
                 (beat)
           Have you ever been, you know...in love with
           someone?

                        TED
           Nah.

                        DOM
           Never?

                        TED
           Well once. Mary.

Dom SIGHS.

                        DOM
           Mary again.

                        TED
           Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
           definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
           years.

                        DOM
           Whatever happened to Mary?

                        TED
           I told you, her family moved to Miami.

                        DOM
           I mean since then.

                        TED
           I don't know.

                        DOM
           Well why don't you look her up?

                        TED
                 (sarcastic)
           Yeah, right.

                        DOM
           Why not?

                        TED
           Because I guarantee she's married and has a
           couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
           single.

                        DOM
           What if you're wrong? You just said she's
           the only girl you ever loved, what have you
           got to lose by calling her?

                        TED
           I did try calling her.
                 (sheepish)
           A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

                        DOM
           So that was it? One bump in the road and
           you gave up?

                        TED
           I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

                        DOM
           You're kidding? What did they say?

                        TED
           They told me they don't help out stalkers.
                 (beat)
           Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
           time.

                        DOM
           I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
           out there, he follows her around a couple
           days, she'll never know a thing.

Ted considers this.

                        TED
           No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.

Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.

                        DOM
           Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
           my office who might be able to help you
           out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
           to Miami every couple weeks.

As Ted thinks about this, we

                                                       CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

                        TED
           I don't know about this, Dom.

                        DOM
           Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
           years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
           office; some bullshit about padding his
           resume--like we haven't all done that.
           Anyway, they were going to let him go but
           his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
           ended up on my desk.

                        TED
           His mother?

                        DOM
           Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
           Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
           something--so I went out on a limb and got
           him transferred down to Providence.

                        TED
           And you think he could find out her number
           for me?

                        DOM
           He'll do better than that. I'll send him
           down to Miami on business, you throw him a
           couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
           her down.

Ted thinks about this.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
           little hot, but he gets the job done.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING

Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.

                        HEALY
           So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
           lady-friend you knew in high school.

                        TED
           Uh-huh.

                        HEALY
           Any idea where I might start looking?

                        TED
           She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
           I checked directory assistance down there
           and she's not listed. She might've moved
           ten times since then.

                        HEALY
                 (skeptical)
           All you want is a phone number?

                        TED
           Well, I know you're busy

                        HEALY
           Don't play games with me, Ted.

                        TED
           I don't know, maybe you could poke around
           for a half day and see if she has five kids
           and a Labrador.

                        HEALY
           I don't buy it.

                        TED
           You don't buy what?

Suddenly Healy is in his face.

                        HEALY
           Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
           the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
           Did you knock this skirt up?

                        TED
                 (indignant)
           No.

                        HEALY
           She's blackmailing you, right?

                        TED
                 (more indignant)
           No.

                        HEALY
           You want her dead, don't you?

                        TED
           You can't be serious.

                        HEALY
           Do you really expect me to believe this is
           a straight stalker case?

                        TED
           I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.

                        HEALY
           Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
           number and you haven't heard squat from her
           in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
           You're a real piece of work.

                        TED
                 (stands)
           Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
           whole thing.

                        HEALY
           I get one hundred a day plus expenses.

                        TED
                 (LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
           You get fifty a day, period. It's a
           business trip, they'll pay for your
           expenses.

Healy thinks about it. 

                        HEALY
           Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
           turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
           on you.

                                                       CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach

EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY

Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.

                        SULLY
           Healy you dog!

                        HEALY
                 (checking out car)
           Fucking Sully! Look at you!

                        SULLY
                 (Boston accent)
           You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY

The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
packet.

                        SULLY
           Here's the info you asked for.

                        HEALY
           Thanks.

                        SULLY
           You should thank me--that girl was not easy
           to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
           insurance dough?

                        HEALY
           Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
           down his high school girlfriend.

                        SULLY
           Stalker, huh?

                        HEALY
           Big time.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY

This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.

                        HEALY
           Very nice.

                        SULLY
           I'm doing okay.
                 (checks watch)
           I gotta get ready for work.

Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.

                        HEALY
           Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
           Looks like you really cleaned up your act.

                        SULLY (O.S.)
           What can I tell you? It's a healthier
           lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
           succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
           I worked with back in Boston, they were a
           bad influence.

                        HEALY
           Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
           grab a couple drinks.

                        SULLY (O.S.)
           Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.

                        HEALY
           Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?

Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           What the...?!

Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.

                        SULLY
           Take it easy, that's Bill.

                        HEALY
           Tell Bill to get the fuck off!

                        SULLY
                 (smiling)
           Relax, he just ate.

Healy just stares at his friend.

                        SULLY (cont'd)
                 (proudly)
           Nineteen months I been sober.

                        HEALY
           What are you talking about? You were never
           an alky, you were a cokehead.

                        SULLY
           Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
           quit the booze, too.

                        HEALY
           Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
           proud of you.

Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Here, just have one of these then.

                        SULLY
           Healy, what I just tell you?

                        HEALY
           This is a light beer. You can't have a
           light beer?

                        SULLY
           No I can't.

Healy stares at him, baffled.

                        HEALY
           Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
           sakes.
                 (holds up beer)
           Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.

Sully stares at the beer, weakening.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           I'm worried about you, man. You better
           learn to have a pop once in a while or
           you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
           being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.

                        SULLY
           Am I?

                        HEALY
           Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
           hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
           gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
           me...you're gonna break.

Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
sips.

                        SULLY
           Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
           even taste good to me anymore.

                        HEALY
           Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
           you, spotting?

Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN

Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.

Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
binoculars toward...

HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.

CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

                        HEALY
                 (into recorder)
           Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
           address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
           Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
           and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
           affirmative.

INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY

Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.

                        MARY
           Have you been up all night again?

                        MAGDA
           Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
           Neighborhood Watch is.

                        MARY
           Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
           listening in on stranger's phone
           conversations?

                        MAGDA
           These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
           This only picks up signals in a half-mile
           radius.

                        MARY
           Meaning?

                        MAGDA
           Meaning these are the people you live
           amongst, you got a right to know if they're
           creeps. For instance, did you know there's
           a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?

                        MARY
                 (feigning shock)
           You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
           move.

                        MAGDA 
           I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
           something was up because Puffy used to bark
           like hell whenever he saw him and you know
           Puffy only barks at bad people.

Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

                        MARY
           Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

                        MAGDA
           That's because there's a lot of bad people
           out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
           about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
           a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
           for yourself, didn't you?

                        MARY
           Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
           huh.

Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

                                                       CUT TO:

MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.

EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING

Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING

Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.

                        HEALY
                 (into mic)
           Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.

EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING

Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.

PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

                        HEALY
                 (into mic)
           Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
           guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
           or we've got a hurler on our hands.

EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING

Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

                        MARY
           Get in line. One at a time.

A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

                        GARY
           Can I have two, Mary?

                        MARY
           Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
           everyone else.

                        GARY
           Thanks.

Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

                        FREDDIE
           Will you marry me, Mary?

                        MARY
           Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
           Dolores?

Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

                        FREDDIE
           Would you marry us both, Mary?

                        MARY
           Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
           wouldn't it?

Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
           looked just like you here a minute ago.

Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

CLOSE ON Healy.

                        HEALY
                 (into mic)
           Ixnay on the big appetite.
                 (beat)
           She's just got a big heart.

EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY

Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Magazine.

                        LISA
           Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
           doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
           walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'

                        BRENDA
           What does this girl want, a corpse? You
           gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
           with three pound cock and trust fund.'

                        JOANIE
           No, it should be 'a hockey player with
           great pecs.'

                        MARY
           Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
           guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
           hammock.

PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.

                        BRENDA (O.S.)
                 (to Mary)
           I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
           washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?

BACK ON Mary and friends.

                        MARY
           I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
           bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
           You can have those pretty boys who hang out
           in a gym all day staring at their
           reflections.

ON HEALY

                        HEALY
                 (quietly into mic)
           A girl after your own heart, Ted.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

                        JOANIE
           I can live with those reflections.

                        MARY 
           I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
           Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
           and playing thirty-six holes and still has
           enough energy to take me and Warren out to
           a ballgame.

                        JOANIE
                 (sarcastic)
           Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
           to find a guy like that.

                        MARY
           But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
           about has got to be self-employed.

                        LISA
           You mean, like an architect or something?

                        MARY
           Architect, yeah.

BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.

                        MARY
           No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
           that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
           talking about. See, this guy has to have a
           job he could do anywhere. That way we could
           just up and leave at the drop of a hat.

                        LISA
           And where would you and your beer-bellied
           architect be leaving to?

                        MARY
           I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
           Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
           Nepal.

                        JOANIE
           Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
           halfway to Katmandu.

                        MARY
           What's that supposed to mean?

                        JOANIE
           It means you're too hard on guys.

                        MARY
           No I'm not.

                        JOANIE
           Oh come off it, Mare. What about
           what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
           at least passed the baton on that one.

The girls LAUGH.

                        MARY
           Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
           awhile.

                        JOANIE
           All right for awhile? The guy's
           good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

                        LISA
           At one point you were talking about
           marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?

Mary thinks about this.

                        MARY
           I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
           San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
                 (dodging question)
           Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.

                        JOANIE
           Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
           said you were putting her up for a
           month--it's been a year and a half.

                        MARY
           Ah, she's okay.

                        LISA
           Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
           with Steve?

                        MARY
           Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
                 (sighs)
           Warren.

                        JOANIE
           What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.

                        MARY
           I don't want someone who'll put up with
           him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
           way I do. Do you know what he told my
           friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
           the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
           in my life.
                 (beat)
           Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
           lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.

Everyone is touched by this. Then:

                        BRENDA
           Well, that's the last time I blow him
           behind your back.

As the girls LAUGH, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.

                        HEALY
           Hello...? Sully...?
                 (beat)
           Sully, that you?

                        SULLY (V.O.)
                 (over phone)
           Who the fuck is it to you?

                        HEALY
           Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
           there?

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.

                        SULLY
                 (into phone, sloshed)
           Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
           don't stink. Well I got news for
           you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
           hell are ya?!

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

                        HEALY
           Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
           I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
           I'm still staking out this girl's
           apartment.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           You found my car?!

Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
his seat.

ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
the bag.

                        HOMELESS MAN
           Thanks, Mary.

                        MARY
           You watch out for yourself, Herb.

As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we

HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.

                        MAGDA
           Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
           cop's staking out this broad's apartment.

                        MARY
           No time, Magda, my show's starting.

BACK ON HEALY...

... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
           partner's all lubed up.

                        HEALY
                 (quietly into phone)
           Call you back.

                        SULLY
                 (over phone)
           God, I miss ya, ya fuck-

Healy hangs up abruptly.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

                        MAGDA
           Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.

                                                       DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.

ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

                        HEALY
           Fucking Barney...he never learns...

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.

BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.

                        HEALY
                 (into mic)
           Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
           shot.

Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

ON HEALY - he cringes.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
           Boy....

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Oh sweet Jesus

                                                       DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.

                        HEALY
           I've got some very, very good news for you,
           my friend.

                        TED
           Really?
                 (perking up)
           Very, very?

Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

                        HEALY
           I think your life's about to change.

                        TED
           So you found Mary?

                        HEALY
           Right there in Liberty City. And you were
           right, she's really something.

                        TED
                 (smiles)
           So she hasn't changed?

                        HEALY
           That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
           something: Was she a little big-boned
           in high school?

                        TED
           No, not at all.

                        HEALY
           Well she must've packed on a few pounds
           over the years.

This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

                        TED
           Mary's a little chubby, huh?

                        HEALY
           I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
           Not bad.

Ted's smile starts to fade.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
           you're going to put on a few pounds.

                        TED
           So she's married?

                        HEALY
           Nope. Never been.

                        TED
           Huh?

                        HEALY
           Four kids, three different guys.

                        TED
           Three different guys?

                        HEALY
           Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
           whites, and a midget.

                        TED
           Oh my.

                        HEALY
           Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
           keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

                        TED
           She's in a wheelchair?!

Ted looks completely drained.

                        HEALY
           Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
           time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
           last twelve years, haven't you?

                        TED
                 (shrugs)
           It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
           thought...

                        HEALY
           Anyway, the good news is I have all the
           information you need. Got it from her
           bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
           call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
           sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
           to get those rugrats off welfare and with
           your help I'll bet she does it.

Ted stands and starts moping away.

                        TED
           Thanks, Healy. Good work.

                        HEALY
           Ted? Don't you want the name of the
           housing project?

                        TED
           Uh, that's okay.

                        HEALY
           You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
           hear from you before her mastectomy!

As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
it.

TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
Mary.

As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.

                        TED
           What are you doing?

                        HEALY
           Oh, uh, I resigned.

Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

                        TED
           Miami?

                        HEALY
           Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
           for me. I'm going to go down and try my
           hand at jai alai.

                        TED
           Jai alai?

                        HEALY
           Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
           home in the fronton.

Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

                        TED
           Look, uh, I've been thinking about
           everything you told me. 

                        HEALY
           Good good.

                        TED
           Well I think you're right, I should look 
           her up.

                        HEALY
           Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

                        TED
           But you said she was a sparkplug...?

                        HEALY
           I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

                        TED
           All the same, I still want to call her. I
           know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
           of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
           maybe I can help her out.
                 (sighs)
           The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
           wheelchair for Godsakes.

                        HEALY
           It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

                        TED
           Oh. I thought
                 (beat)
           That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
           make any sense to you, but I just can't
           turn it off that fast. I still feel
           something for her.

Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

                        HEALY
           Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
           for you just as soon as she gets back from
           Japan.

                        TED
           Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

                        HEALY
           You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
           they go that way, too.

Ted is devastated. 

                        TED
           Mary's a mail-order bride?

                        HEALY
           Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
           it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
           pound there. Sort of like tuna.

Off Ted's look, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.

                        TED
           That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
           procrastinate about anything again. Life is
           too fucking short. 

                        DOM
           Hey, look on the bright side--

                        TED
                 (interrupting)
           What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?

                        DOM
           Well...at least now you know.

                        TED
           I think it was better when I didn't. It was
           kind of inspiring to know there was someone
           so pure in the world.

As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.

                        TED
           What's so funny?

                        DOM
           I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
           this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
           liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
           you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
           with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
           out that getting your dick stuck in your
           zipper was the best thing that ever
           happened to you! 

Ted flinches at this.

                        TED
           Wait a second, I never told you that.

                        DOM
           Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away. 

Ted thinks it over.

                        TED
           Maybe you're right. I should look on the
           bright side. I mean, I've still got my
           health...
                 (checks watch)
           I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
           a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
           apartment.

                        DOM
           What? On your day off? Do you even know
           the guy?

                        TED
           Never met him.

                        DOM
           Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
           novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.

                        TED
           Amen to that.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
jauntily to...

A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S

Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.

                        HEALY
           Hit a house! Bite bite!
                 (to Mary)
           Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
and

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Hey, can you give me some tips here?

She cracks her shot long and straight.

                        MARY
           Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.

                        HEALY
           Thanks.

Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.

                        HEALY (cont'd) 
           I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?

                        MARY
                 (annoyed)
           No thanks.

Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.

                        HEALY
           Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
           All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.

                        MARY
                 (interested)
           Nepal? Have you been?

                        HEALY
           Not in months. I don't even know why I
           bought the damn place.

                        MARY
           You own a home there?

                        HEALY
           Well...it's just a condo really. Right
           outside Katmandu.

                        MARY
           Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
           go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
           you can't see the tops?

                        HEALY
           Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
           from the summit. That's been my experience
           anyway.

She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch. 

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           You know, I should just get going. I'll
           work on my game next week.

He flips her a coin.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.

                        MARY
                 (smiles)
           Thanks.

Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?

                        MARY (cont'd)
                 (CALLS after him)
           It was nice meeting you!

Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.

Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...

EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY

Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
Honda Civic.

He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
second chance.

                        MARY
           Well, it was nice meeting you, again.

                        HEALY
           Same here again.

                        MARY
           By the way, what's your name?

                        HEALY
           Pat Healy.

There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
usual questions?

                        MARY
           Don't you want to know my name?

                        HEALY
           I already know it, Mary.

                        MARY
                 (surprised)
           How'd you know that?

                        HEALY
           It's right there on your golf bag.

Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.

                        MARY
           What are you doing with all these
           blueprints?

                        HEALY
           Some buildings I'm working on.

                        MARY
           Are you...an architect?

                        HEALY
           Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.

Mary stares at him, mouth agape.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
           me an architect--it's just a job really, a
           way to keep me moving. My real passion is
           my hobby.

                        MARY
           What's that?

                        HEALY
           I work with retards.

                        MARY
                 (taken aback)
           I beg your pardon?

                        HEALY
           You know...
                 (flaps lips with fingers)
           ...the guys who ride the short bus.

                        MARY
                 (put off)
           Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

                        HEALY
           The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
           who I can and can't work with.

                        MARY
           No, I mean

                        HEALY
           --There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
           on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
           of his cage once and--

                        MARY
           --He's in a cage?! 

                        HEALY
           Well it's more of an enclosure really.

                        MARY
           They keep him confined? That's bullshit!

                        HEALY
           That's what I said, so I went out and got
           him a leash you know, one of those
           clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
           got plenty of room out there to dig. The
           kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
           to ball games, movies--you know, happy
           stuff.

                        MARY
           That sounds like fun.

                        HEALY
           Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
           for me.
                 (getting emotional)
           Those goofy bastards are just about the
           best thing I have in this crazy old world.
                 (checks watch)
           Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

                        MARY
                 (won back over)
           Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
           have dinner sometime.

Healy smiles at this and we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

                        BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
           Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
           scratch that thing, huh?

                        TED
                 (straining)
           What?

                        BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
           You heard me. You already put a fucking
           nick in my piano.

                        TED
                 (biting tongue)
           I'll try to be more careful.

                        BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
           S'matter with you? You look like you're
           fading.

                        TED
           The thing's kind of heavy.

                        BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
           Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
           what heavy feels like, you insensitive
           prick.

                        TED
           No, I just meant...

                        BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
           Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
           cup of coffee.

The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.

                        ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
           Hey you!

Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
her heels.

                        T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
           Do you know that you're parked in a
           handicapped spot? 

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

                        DR. LALONDE
                 (smirking)
           So...I see you made the news.

                        TED
                 (angry and embarrassed)
           It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
           in a wheelchair.

                        DR. LALONDE
                 (dubious)
           Uh-huh. Where was he?

                        TED
           Out getting coffee.

                        DR. LALONDE
           Yeah, that's more or less what the others
           said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
           meet him here...picking up my grandma...

Ted turns and GLARES at him.

                        DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
           I'm just saying...They sure made you look
           dumb.

Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

                        TED
           Bob, do you remember Mary?

                        DR. LALONDE
           Who?

                        TED
           Mary.

                        DR. LALONDE
           From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
           about six months ago at a convention in Las
           Vegas.

Ted sits up.

                        TED
           A convention? How'd you see her at a
           convention?

                        DR. LALONDE
           I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
           orthopedic surgeon.

The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

                        DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
           What a babe...

Ted sits up on his elbows.

                        TED
           Babe?

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
his face.

                        TED
           Mary's a babe!

                        DOM
           What?

                        TED
           My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
           and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
           little gambling problem, she plays the
           football cards a bit too much, but she's a
           babe, a surgeon babe!

                        DOM
           Huh? But why did Healy?

                        TED
           Well think about it.

Ted folds his arms.

                        DOM
           No You mean...?

                        TED
           Uh-huh.

                        DOM
           The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
           her up.

                        TED
                 (nodding)
           That sneaky prick was probably practicing
           his jai alai.

Dom shakes his head. Then:

                        DOM
           Well then you've got to call her, man.

                        TED
           Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
lap.

                        MAGDA
           So who's the lucky guy?

                        MARY
           Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
           range.

                        MAGDA
           Good lookin'?

                        MARY
           He's no Steve Young.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69

Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           What's he like?

                        MARY (V.O.)
           I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           What's a mook?

                        MARY (V.O.)
           You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

                        MAGDA
           Then why you going out with him if he's a
           schlep?

                        MARY
           Come on, Magda
                 (SIGHS)
           It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

                        MAGDA
           I don't watch the new ones.

                        MARY
           This one's almost thirty years old. It's
           about a young kid and an old lady who fall
           in love.

                        MAGDA
           That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
           anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
           an old lady go for a young kid?

Mary smiles at this.

                        MARY
           The point is, love isn't about money or
           social standing or age, it's about
           connecting with someone, having things in
           common kindred spirits.

                        MAGDA
           Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
           here's gonna tell you all you need to know
           about this guy in about two seconds flat.
           If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
           Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
           keeper.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

As Healy thinks about this, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Healy enters the building.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
mail slot.

HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.

Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
in amazement.

                        HEALY
                 (baby talk)
           Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
           rubbed, doesn't he now?

                        MARY
           Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
           doesn't usually like guys.

                        MAGDA
           You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

                        HEALY
           'That right?

                        MAGDA
           He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
           aren't ya?

                        HEALY
           Truth is I usually get along better with
           animals than with people. In Nepal the
           villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
           means 'man who is loved by many animals...
                 (babbling)
           ...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'

Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

                        MAGDA
           Would you like a glass of tea or something?

                        HEALY
           You got a brew?

                        MARY
           Sure.
                 (noticing Magda's trance)
           Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
           cheese and crackers...?

                        MAGDA
           Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.

                        MARY (O.S.)
                 (CALLING out)
           Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?

                        HEALY
                 (CALLING out)
           Great.

He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

                        MAGDA (O.S.)
                 (CALLING out)
           Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?

                        HEALY
                 (CALLING out)
           No, thanks.
                 (panicking)
           Love a little bundt cake if you have some!

INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME

Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

                        MAGDA
           Bundt cake?

                        MARY
                 (shrugs)
           Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
           find some cookies.

As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...

INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME

A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

                        HEALY
                 (quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
           Come on, man, stay away from the light!

Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
SPARKS FLY.

Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.

ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
FLAMES.

When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.

With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

                        MAGDA
           All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
           that sound, honey?

Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

                        HEALY
                 (petting dog)
           Fine. Fine.

                        MARY
           Here you go.
                 (sniffs)
           What's that smell?

Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT

Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.

                        HEALY
           The museum? I thought we were going out to
           dinner?

                        MARY
           We will, but first I have a surprise.

                        HEALY
           A surprise?

                        MARY
           The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
           is going to be here. He's an architect,
           too. You guys will have tons to talk about.

CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.

INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT

Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.

                        MARY
           I know he's around here someplace.

                        HEALY
                 (chipper)
           What say we get outta here and go crush a
           bucket?

                        MARY
           We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
           this stuff great?

Mary points to an architectural model.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Is this one art deco or art nouveau?

                        HEALY
           Deco.

                        MARY
           Would you call that a portico or a
           vestibule?

                        HEALY
           That...? Vestibule.

                        MARY
           How about--?

                        HEALY
           When you look at architecture, try not to
           concern yourself with the pieces--look at
           the building in its totalitarianism.

Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
           here, goofy.

He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.

                        MARY
           Tucker!

Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.

                        TUCKER
                 (still hugging)
           Come on, like you mean it.

Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:

                        MARY
           Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
           Healy and Tucker shake hands.

                        TUCKER
           Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.

                        HEALY
           Same here.

                        MARY
           Pat's an architect, too.

                        TUCKER
           Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?

                        HEALY
                 (keeping cool)
           Mainly I work out of Boston. 

                        TUCKER
           Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
           there?

                        HEALY
           Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.

                        TUCKER
           Harvard?

                        HEALY
           You bet.

                        TUCKER
                 (pleased)
           Did you study under Kim Greene?

                        HEALY 
           Among others.

                        TUCKER
           Kim and I are close friends!

                        HEALY
           Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.

                        TUCKER
           You mean him.

BEAT.

                        HEALY
           Well...that's debatable.

Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
doubt.

                        TUCKER
           Really? But he's been married for twenty
           years--they've got six kids.

                        HEALY
           Nice smokescreen, isn't it?

Tucker can hardly believe his ears.

                        MARY
           Pat does projects all over the world.

                        TUCKER
                 (impressed)
           Where would I have seen your work?

                        HEALY
           Have you been to
                 (thinking hard)
           Let's see--Santiago, Chile?

                        TUCKER
           Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
           Which building is yours?

                        HEALY
           Do you know the...soccer stadium?

                        TUCKER
           Did you build the Estadio Olympico?

                        HEALY
           No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.

                        TUCKER
           I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
           style?

                        HEALY
           Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
           vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
           there.

Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.

                        TUCKER
           You know, I really should take your card.

                        HEALY
                 (noticing something)
           Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
           minute, Tucker?

Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
exhibit.

                        HEALY
                 (to Man)
           Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
           are ya?

                        MAN
           My name's Mel.

                        HEALY
           Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
           just like Jim Dubois?

                        MAN
           The sheepfucker?

Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.

INT. TOYOTA TERCEL

A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Thanks for picking me up. 

                        TED
           No prob, I could use the company. I've been
           on the road going on fifteen hours
           straight.

                        HITCHHIKER
           I know how you feel--I been standing in the
           same spot for the last five hours. You know
           it's against the law to pick up a
           hitchhiker in this state.

                        TED
           That must make it tough.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
           salesman or something?

                        TED
           Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Oh. Well I am.

                        TED
           Hm?

                        HITCHHIKER
           A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
           gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
           company--video sales--just as soon as I get
           enough seed money.

                        TED
           'That right? Good for you.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
           home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
           Abs?

                        TED
           The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
           T.V.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Two million copies it sold last year. Two
           million, man. But not next year--my idea's
           gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
                 (dramatic pause)
           Seven-Minute Abs.

BEAT.

                        TED
           I see where you're going.

                        HITCHHIKER
                 (big smile)
           Think about it. You walk into a video
           store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
           right next to it you see Seven-Minute
           Abs--which one you gonna spring for?

                        TED
           I'd go with the seven.

                        HITCHHIKER
           Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
           get every bit as good a work-out.

                        TED
           How do you guarantee that?

                        HITCHHIKER
           Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
           happy we'll send you the extra minute.'

                        TED
           Huh. That sounds great.
                 (beat)
           Unless someone else comes out with
           Six-Minute Abs.

Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

                        TED (cont'd)
                 (unaware)
           I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.

EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT

The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.

ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

                        TED
           What the--?

Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing

TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
around him.

                        POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
           THIS IS A RAID!

ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.

                        TED
                 (deer caught in headlights)
           Wait a second, it's not what you think.

A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

                        PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
           That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

Ted glares at him.

                        TED
           No! I was pissing!

                        POLICE OFFICER
           Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
           the truck.

As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we

PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.

The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.

Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

                                                       CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible. 

                        TED
                 (to Cop)
           Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.

                        DOM
           Oh my God. Is that...?

                        DOM'S WIFE
                 (matter-of-fact)
           Told you he was gay.

BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.

                        TED
           I was taking a leak!

                        T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
           We'll be right back with more of our
           special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
           BIBLE BELT! 

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT

Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.

                        HEALY
           That grandmother of yours--she's really
           something.

                        MARY
           Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
           she rents the apartment right next to mine.
           Her husband passed away a couple years ago
           so she doesn't like to be alone.

                        HEALY
           And it doesn't cramp your style?

                    MARY
               Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

                        HEALY
           Lint?

                        MARY
           Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
           around on the rug all day--just makes for a
           lot of lint. Look at this...

Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           See? That's just one day.

Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

                        HEALY
           You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
           Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
           bounce around for awhile, do a little
           traveling...

                        MARY
           Why bounce when you have your own condo in
           Nepal to go to?

It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

                        HEALY
           Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
           place, quit the architect game, slow things
           down, read more books, see more movies...

                        MARY
           You're a movie buff?

                        HEALY
           Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
           they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
           best they've got to offer I say thanks but
           no thanks.

                        MARY
           Have you seen it?

                        HEALY
           No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
           hated it.

                        MARY
           A fucking moron.

                        HEALY
           Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
           like they used to. You know, something like
           The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
           Maude.

Mary can't believe her ears.

                        MARY
           Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
           movie.

                        HEALY
           Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
           it's corny, but I do love it.

                        MARY
           Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
           the greatest--

                        HEALY
           --Love story of our time.

Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

                        MARY
           Yeah.

                        HEALY
           Wow. I thought I was the only one.

They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.

                        MARY
           So...

                        HEALY
           Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?

                        MARY
           I guess.

                        HEALY
           Well, I'll see ya.

Healy turns to go but stops.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Mary ah, forget it.

                        MARY
           What?

                        HEALY
           No, forget it, it was stupid.

                        MARY
           Come on, what were you going to say?

                        HEALY
           Nah, really, it was moronic.

She grabs him by the shirt playfully.

                        MARY
           Just say it.

Healy takes a deep breath.

                        HEALY
           Could I feel your bosoms before I go?

Mary just stares at him.

                        MARY (beat)
           Knock yourself out.

Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:

                        HEALY
           Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?

She smiles and as Healy walks away we

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.

PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           Man, they never look like you'd expect.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           That's probably how he got the victim to
           drop his guard. 

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           Where'd they find the body?

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           In a big red bag on the front passenger
           seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
           real psycho, this one.

The Detectives ENTER the room.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.

                        TED
                 (agitated)
           I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
           was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
           thing I know I tripped over something--well
           someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
           lights and--

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
                 (beat)
           The problem is we found your friend in
           the car.

As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.

                        TED
           Oh. The hitchhiker.
                 (CHUCKLES)
           That's what this is all about.

Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.

                        TED (cont'd)
           Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
           everything.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           So you admit it?

                        TED
           Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
           with you. I could give you a song and dance
           but what's the point? I did it and we all
           know it.
                 (laughs)
           The hitcher himself told me it's
           illegal The irony.

The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

                        TED
           Jeez, I didn't catch it.

The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           So he was a stranger? It was totally
           random?

                        TED
                 (confused)
           He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
           tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
           trouble am I in? 

The Detectives look at one another. 

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           First tell us why you did it.

                        TED
           Why I did it?
                 (scoffs)
           I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
           doing the guy a favor.

The Detectives look at each other.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
           How many we talking?

                        TED
           Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
           hundred maybe--Who keeps track?

Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
the building.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.

                        MARY
           Mornin', Jane.

                        MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
           Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
           in your office to see you. 

Mary nods and heads toward her office. 

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)

                        TUCKER
           What's up, Doc?

                        MARY
           Tucker, you look different some how. Did
           you do something with your hair?

MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.

                        TUCKER
           The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.

ON MARY - smiles.

                        MARY
           Oh yeah, they look great.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.

                        TUCKER (V.O.)
           You don't think they're too big?

                        MARY (V.O.)
           No no, the bigger the better.
                 (beat)
           But I must say, they could be a little
           brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
           of pearly whites.

Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.

                        TUCKER
           You ever been laid in this office?

Mary pushes past him.

                        MARY
           Behave yourself, Tucker.
                 (smiles)
           Come on, what are you doing here?

She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.

                        TUCKER
           I wanted to talk to you about your friend
           Patrick.

EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Healy almost flies out of his seat.

                        MARY (O.S.)
           He's a nice guy, isn't he?

                        TUCKER (O.S.)
           Well that's what I'm trying to figure
           out. How long have you known him?

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker has a look of concern.

                        MARY
           Not long at all, but I really like him.
                 (off Tucker's look)
           Okay, I know he's a little different,
           Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
           He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
           dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
           politically correct and he probably farts,
           too. And that's okay with me.

                        TUCKER
           That's what you've been looking for--a
           farter?

                        MARY
           I've been looking for a guy--not one of
           these South Beach pussies.

                        TUCKER
                 (SIGHS)
           Look, it's just that something about him
           struck me as odd last night. He gave me
           this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
           friends back east. They don't know of any
           architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
           listed as a Harvard alumnus.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.

                        HEALY
           Fuck!!

                        MARY (O.S.)
           Huh...that's strange.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

                        TUCKER
           I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
           think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
           you should be careful with this guy.

                        MARY
                 (concerned)
           No no no, Tucker, thank you.

                        TUCKER
           I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
           beautiful, you've got money, you trust
           people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
           psychos out there.

                        MARY
                 (small smile)
           I appreciate you looking out for me.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
           enforcement community, I would like to
           offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
           or temporary inconvenience we may have
           caused you, Mr. Peloquin.

REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.

INT. PRISON HALLWAY

The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
           apprehended not far from where you were
           arrested. He was identified as an escaped
           mental patient and subsequently confessed
           to the murder that you were being held for.
           Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
           the bag.

                        TED
                 (fragile)
           So...I'm free to go?

Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.

                        DETECTIVE CAVALLO
           No harm, no foul?

                        TED
                 (stunned)
           I guess.

Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
the door.

                        DETECTIVE FRANEK
           By the way, there's somebody here to see
           you.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. TED'S CAR - DAY

Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.

                        DOM
           You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
           that?

                        TED
           I am?

                        DOM
           Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
           about to cut your throat when you stopped
           to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
           up your ass, man.

                        TED
           Yeah feels like it.

Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.

                        TED (cont'd)
           How the hell did you get here anyway?

                        DOM
           Flew.
                 (beat)
           Told my wife I was going to a Promise
           Keepers convention.

Ted gives him a look.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
           some bad news for you.

Ted SIGHS.

                        TED
                 (resigned)
           Shoot.

                        DOM
           Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
           know where to mail his last paycheck so I
           sent my assistant by his mother's
           apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
           mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
           years.

                        TED
           And this adversely affects me how...?

                        DOM
           Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
           everything! The landlord said when he got
           back from Miami he kept talking about
           falling for some doctor named Mary!

Ted is stunned.

                        TED
           Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
           for him....would she?

Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.

                        DOM
           His address in Miami. You know, when you
           think about it, we really don't know the
           first thing about this guy.

Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.

                        TED
           Jesus Christ what have I done?

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.

                        LISA
           You're not seriously thinking about going
           out with this guy again?

                        JOANNIE
           Mary, he sounds like a psycho!

                        MAGDA
           Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
           do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
           and Puffy's never wrong.

The girlfriends roll their eyes.

                        BRENDA
           Mary, the guy's full of shit.

                        MARY
           What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
           an honest mistake?

                        LISA
           What if he didn't?

It's clear that Mary is torn.

                        MARY
           I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
           to be here any minute.

                        JOANNIE
           Well then blow him off when he gets here.

                        MARY
           But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
           don't know...perfect...kind of.

                        BRENDA
           He has a big cock, doesn't he?

Mary shoots Brenda a look. 

                        MAGDA
           Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
           was?

                        MARY
           Healy.

Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

                        MAGDA
           I think you better listen to this.

Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
gather around.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           So where the hell are you, Healy?

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
           girl I told you about.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           The sawbones?

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           Yep.

The girls all look at one another.

                        BRENDA
           We hit the motherlode.

                        MARY
           We shouldn't be listening to this.

                        LISA AND JOANNIE
           Shhh.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           She still think you're a fucking architect?

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           Oh yeah.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           Dumbshit.

                        LISA
           Mr. Perfect, huh?

Mary starts to feel like a fool.

                        MARY
                 (edgy)
           Turn it up, Magda.

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
           I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           Why didn't you just tell her the truth?

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
           women today are more impressed by the
           mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
           the last seventeen years scraping by on
           Peace Corp wages.

The girls all seem moved by this.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
           say, she's going to want to hear about
           the things you did. 

                        HEALY
                 (dismissing this)
           Ahh.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME

A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.

                        SULLY
                 (reading)
           Come on, you could tell her about the
           irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
           orphan babies who cried in your arms in
           Romania...
                 (does a line of blow)
           ...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
           Calcutta...

Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
EAT IT.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

                        JOANNIE
                 (welling up)
           I love this man.

Magda folds her arms and gloats.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

                        HEALY
           Look, I did all those things for myself.
           I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
           prick. I get a high from helping all of
           God's creatures. An honest to goodness
           high.

Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
squashes it.

ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

                        SULLY
                 (winging it)
           That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
           the front line. Remember the, uh,
           malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
           vicious strain of genital herpes?

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.

ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
           illnesses in third-world countries.

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.

                        HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
           The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
           philanthropy as some form of
           currency...especially after what I did.
                 (SIGHS)
           I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
           deserved better.

                        SULLY (V.O.)
           Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
           things.

                        HEALY (V.O.)
           You said it, mister.
                 (choking up)
           I gotta go.

ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we

PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

                        HEALY
                 (startled)
           Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
           to tell you. I'm not

Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS. 

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
defender.

--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.

--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.

                        MARY
           All set.

                        HEALY
           You look great.
                 (beat)
           Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
           these pants?

When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
LAUGHS.

--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.

                        TED
           Fuck me.
                 (sighs)
           Let's go home.

                        DOM
           No! You've gone through way too much to
           back down now. Get over there and do
           something--I can't stand watching this.

BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.

                        MARY
           Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?

Healy LAUGHS.

                        HEALY
           How's my stomach taste, she says.
                 (shakes head)
           Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
           Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
           a dog.

                        MARY
           Forget it. It was...fun.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted recognizes Warren.

                        TED
           Holy shit, there's Warren.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN

Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.

                        WARREN
           Franks and beans!

ON TED AND DOM

                        TED
           Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.

They both duck down in their seats.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN

                        WARREN
           Beans and franks.

                        MARY
           Give it a rest, War. You just ate.

                        HEALY
           Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
           appetite.
                 (to Warren)
           Am I right?

Healy winks at Mary.

                        WARREN
           Huh?

Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.

                        HEALY
           I said you've got a big app--

Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           Urrggghh...

                        MARY
           Warren!

ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.

                        DOM
           Attaboy!

BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.

                        MARY
           Are you okay?

                        HEALY (cont'd)
                 (raspy, to Mary)
           Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
           right? Right?

                        MARY
                 (cornered)
           Sure.

Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
drives off.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted stares gazily.

                        DOM
           Well? What are you waiting for?

                        TED
           I don't know what to say.

                        DOM
           Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
           schmuck out of the water.

                        TED
           Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
           her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
                 (stares at Mary)
           She's even more beautiful than I remember.

THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.

                        DOM
           Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!

Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.

                        TED
           You asshole, what are you--
                 (CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
           Mary! Is that you?

                        MARY
                 (squinting)
           Who's that?

Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.

                        TED
           It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
           Island Ted.

Finally she recognizes him.

                        MARY
           Oh my God...Ted.
                 (big smile)
           What are you...? I can't believe this. I
           haven't seen you since-- 

                        TED
           Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.

                        MARY
           And did everything--?

                        TED
           Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.

Mary LAUGHS.

                        TED (cont'd)
           How are you doing, Warren?

                        WARREN
           Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?

                        TED
           I'm gonna take a rain check.

Mary is stunned.

                        MARY
           I can't believe he remembered you. He never
           remembers anybody.
                 (beat)
           You know I tried to call you for weeks
           after that.

                        TED
           Really? I never got a message.

                        MARY
           That's weird. I talked to your brother
           Jimmy five or six times.

Ted is devastated to hear this.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           By the way, how's he doing?

                        TED
           He's dead.

                        MARY
                 (taken aback)
           Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.

                        TED
                 (bitter)
           No, it was a good thing.
                 (off her look)
           I mean, good in that it was very quick.

Ted pantomimes an explosion.

                        MARY
           Oh. So...what brings you down here?

                        TED
           Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
           mine decided to...ah...you know...just
           ...drive down.

She stares at him.

                        MARY
           Well you look great. Are you married, do
           you have kids?

                        TED
           Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
                 (smiles)
           God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
           with Mary Jenson.

                        MARY
           Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.

                        TED
                 (taken aback)
           Oh...are you...?

                        MARY
           Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
                 (off his look)
           There was this guy back in college who was
           bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
           restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
           when I got out of Princeton I changed my
           name as a precaution.

                        TED
           Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
           say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
           on old times?

BEAT.

                        MARY
           Didn't we just do that?

Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
           the thing is I already have plans. How
           about tomorrow night?

                        TED
           Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
           years.
                 (beat)
           Don't make me wait another day.

Mary seems touched by this.

                        MARY
           Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
           up at eight.

Ted finally smiles and we

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT

A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
newspaper.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           I'm buying bananas tonight.

                        MARY (V.O.)
           Why?

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           Back when I was your age I always used to
           make myself a big banana split after sex. I
           think you're gonna need one tonight.

                        MARY (V.O.)
           Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
           probably need it before I will.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
couch.

                        MAGDA
           Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
           smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
           oyster shucker.

                        MARY
           So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
           take you to the movies.

                        MAGDA
           Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
           in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
           be.

                        MARY
           Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.

                        MAGDA
           Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
           since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.

BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.

                        MARY (V.O. )
           Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
           guy today I hadn't seen since high school.

Healy loses the smile and sits up.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           An old flame?

                        MARY (V.O.)
           Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
           guys in the world.

Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.

ON MARY

                        MARY (cont'd)
           He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
           crush on him.

BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.

                        HEALY
           No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                        MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
           We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
           reminds me, I've got to call
           what's-his-face and cancel.

ON MARY

                        MAGDA
           Do I sense a chill in the air?

Mary sits down.

                        MARY
           Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
           my love life. I always pick guys on what I
           feel in here.
                 (pats heart)
           But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
           "Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
           with this one, you'll grow to feel
           something for him." But it never happened.

ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.

                        HEALY
                 (jovial voice)
           Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
           I'm out rustling up some champagne and
           roses in preparation for the greatest
           birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
           having a good day, too.

Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.

ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.

                        MARY
           Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
           say I'm...looking forward to tonight.

She hangs up.

                        MAGDA
           You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
           night?

                        MARY
           I can't do it--I just found out it's his
           birthday.
                 (sighs)
           I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.

ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
YAPPING.

ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.

                        MARY
                 (surprised)
           Tucker...come on in.

BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           Well look who's here.

BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.

                        TUCKER
           There she is--I brought you a little
           thirst-quencher, Mag.

                        MAGDA
           Oh, you are sweet.

                        TUCKER
           No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
           so you'll pass out and I can have my way
           with Mary.

Everyone LAUGHS.

                        MARY
           Can I pour you one?

                        TUCKER
           Thanks, but I've got to be going.
           Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
           visit.

Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.

                        MARY
           What's up?

                        TUCKER
           Well...I've got a little more news about
           your friend Healy.

Mary seems relieved.

                        MARY
           I know what you're going to say, but he
           already told me everything. I know he's not
           an architect.

Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.

                        TUCKER (cont'd)
           I think you'd better sit down.

                        MARY
           Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
           but I'm really strapped for time here and--

                        TUCKER
           Mary, the man's a killer.

ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.

BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.

                        MARY
                 (stunned)
           What...?

                        TUCKER
           I've got a friend in the Boston police
           department. He faxed me this this morning.
           I'll just give you the highlights.
                 (reading from rap sheet)
           After a short stint as a petty thief,
           Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
           by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
           committed his first murder--a pretty
           teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
           was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
           despite a grim psychological profile, the
           state was forced to release him. In his
           mid-twenties and again in his early
           thirties he was suspected of homicides in
           the states of Utah and Washington.
           Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
           decomposed that there wasn't enough
           evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
           forth and so on.

Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.

                        MARY (V.O.)
           Holy shit...

                        MAGDA (V.O.)
           Puffy, get over here.

We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

ON MARY

                        MARY
           Magda!

                        MAGDA
           The little shit lied to me about that guy!

Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

                        MARY
                 (growing emotional)
           I can't believe this is happening. I'm
           supposed to be meeting him in an hour.

                        TUCKER
           Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
           okay.

Tucker puts his arms around her.

                        MAGDA
           Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

                        MARY
           Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
           my life.

                        TUCKER
           Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
           me a big head.
                 (smiles)
           The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
           to distance yourself as much as possible
           without pissing this psycho off.

                        MARY
           Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
           do. I'll call him right now.

BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.

                        HEALY
           Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
           roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
           message. BEEP.

                        MARY (V.O.)
                 (nervous)
           Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
           not going to believe this--well, you'll
           believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
           just got beeped for emergency surgery.
           Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
           bail on you.

As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
the sidewalk.

ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
Tucker.

                        HEALY
                 (under breath)
           You're gonna pay, fucker.

Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.

BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 

Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

                        TED
           Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
           if I'm ready for this, man.

                        DOM
           Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?

                        TED
                 (pats his back pocket)
           Got cash.

                        DOM
           Car clean? Plenty of gas?

                        TED
           Check.

                        DOM
           Mints?

                        TED
           Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.

Dom nods, satisfied.

                        DOM
           Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
           clean the pipes and it's a go.

                        TED
           Hm?

                        DOM
           You know, clean the pipes.

                        TED
           Pipes? What are you talking about?

                        DOM
           You jerk off before all big dates, right?
           Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.

Ted just stares at him.

                        DOM (cont'd)
                 (incredulous)
           You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
           crazy?! That's like going out there with a
           loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!

Ted considers this.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           Think about it: After you've had sex with a
           girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
           are you nervous?

                        TED
           No.

Dom shrugs...Duh.

                        DOM
           Why's that?

                        TED
           I'm usually too tired to be.

Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

                        DOM
           Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
           batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
           with your head, that stuff will.

                        TED
                 (starting to believe)
           Huh.

                        DOM
           The most honest moment in a man's life is
           the five minutes after he's blown a load.
           That's a medical fact. And it's because
           you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
           actually thinking like a girl. They love
           that.

                        TED
           Jesus Christ you're right.

                        DOM
           You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
           out with a loaded gun, you empty the
           barrels!

                        TED
                 (shakes his head)
           Holy shit, I've been going out with a
           loaded gun!

                        DOM
           People get hurt that way.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - EVENING

Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
past him.

INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME

Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
clean up.

But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.

The Load IS MISSING!!!!

That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
answer it.

INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
ever.

                        TED
           Hey.

                        MARY
           Hi, Ted.

                        TED
           You look great.

                        MARY
           Thanks.

She notices something.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           What's that?

                        TED
           Hm?

                        MARY
           On your ear, you've got something.

MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
drop earring.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           It looks like a gob of...

Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

                        MARY (cont'd)
                 (making face)
           Is that....hair gel?

BEAT.

                        TED
           Sure.

                        MARY
           Oh great, I ran out.

Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           You motherfucker, you're a dead man!

Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

                        TUCKER
                 (cowering)
           Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
           stupid.

                        HEALY
           Who the fuck do you think you are making up
           that bullshit about me?!

Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

                        TUCKER
           Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
           about.

                        HEALY
           Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Healy SLAPS him across the face.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
           do with me being a murderer.

Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

                        TUCKER
           Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
           information.

Healy grabs him by the collar.

                        HEALY
           That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
           working for him, aren't you, you little
           shit?

                        TUCKER
           Who?

Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.

                        HEALY
           This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
           either you come clean or I'm going to kick
           your ass from here to Tallahassee.

Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.

                        TUCKER
           I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.

                        HEALY
           You what?

                        TUCKER
           You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.

Healy slowly lets go.

                        TUCKER (cont'd)
           I'm a phony--just like you, man.

                        HEALY
           What do you mean?

                        TUCKER
           I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
           architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
           Santiago twice in a year?
                 (scoffing)
           Estadio Olimpico--please!

                        HEALY
           But...but you knew people at Harvard.

                        TUCKER
           I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
           you were a fake and I made up everything
           else.
                 (sighs)
           My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

                        HEALY
           Bullshit!

Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.

                        TED
           Thanks, that's great.

The WAITER turns to Mary.

                        WAITER
           Madame?

ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
up front.

                        MARY
           Thank you.

The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

                        TED
           Now by killer, you mean...?

                        MARY
           I mean he murdered someone and did time
           back in Boston. The guy's a freak.

                        TED
                 (stunned)
           Jeez, Mary...I'm...

                        MARY
           Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
           have friends like Tucker.
                 (beat)
           Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
                 (big smile)
           Let's talk about you.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT

Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

                        TUCKER
           ...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
           Community College for a semester and when
           the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
           hooked up with the Pizza Barn.

                        HEALY
           And you met Mary how?

                        TUCKER
           Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
           one night and she answered the door in her
           nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
           that night, shaved my beard, and a week
           later I was laid out in her office with a
           broken back.

                        HEALY
           How'd you manage that one?

                        TUCKER
                 (matter-of-factly)
           Friend. Baseball bat.

                        HEALY
           Nice.

                        TUCKER
           Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
           until you showed up.

                        HEALY
           Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
           telling bald-faced lies about the
           competition--that's crossing the line!

                        TUCKER
           What line? The day you first laid your oily
           rap on my future wife you started a war!

                        HEALY
           Future wife? Get real, man--you're
           nothing more than a glorified brother in
           her eyes.

                        TUCKER
           Why you son of a--

Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

                        HEALY
           Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
           is neither of us are going to get her if we
           don't do something about that headcase
           she's with now.

As Tucker slowly releases him, we

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

                        MARY
           You hit the ball pretty good for a
           fourteen.

                        TED
                 (shrugging)
           No short game.

She smiles.

                        MARY
           We should play some time...I mean, if you
           can afford to lose some money.

                        TED
                 (smiling)
           What are you?

                        MARY
           Twenty-two.

                        TED
           Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a
           one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.

Mary smiles coyly.

                        MARY
           Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.

                        TED
           That's more like it.
                 (to Counter-Man)
           Two more nitrate-sicles please.

                        COUNTER-MAN
           You got it.

Mary is amused by this.

                        MARY
           Nitrate-sicles--I like that.

                        TED
           I say they should put more meats on a
           stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets
           on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles,
           lollipops--but hardly any meat.

                        MARY
           I agree there should be more.

The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.

                        TED
           You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a
           cone. You could put corned beef hash in a
           cone, or chopped liver.

                        MARY
           I like it. And think of the
           toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly

                        TED
           Not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.

They smile at one another.

                        MARY
           It's too bad you don't live down here, Ted.

                        TED
                 (pleased)
           Yeah?

                        MARY
           We've got a lot in common.

Ted takes a chance.

                        TED
           Well...why don't you move back?

                        MARY
           Ah, my roots here are too deep. I love my
           practice, the people I work with, Warren's
           got a nice thing going
                 (joking)
           Why don't you just move down here and marry
           me?

Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.

                        MARY
           So you're a writer?

                        TED
           Trying to be.

                        MARY
           Well good for you. I bet it works out for
           you.

                        TED
           We'll see. If it doesn't, what the hell, at
           least I gave it a shot.

                        MARY
           That's right. And the good thing is you can
           do it anywhere.

                        TED
           What about you, Mare? How the hell'd you
           manage to stay single?

                        MARY
           I don't know...My friends think I'm too
           picky. I think I'm just a weirdo magnet. I
           did come close once--just last year, in
           fact. There was this guy he lived in San
           Francisco.

ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker SPYING
ON THEM from the shadows.

                        TUCKER
                 (WHISPERING)
           That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!

                        HEALY
           Fucking sickening.

Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT

Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch with a
watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her feet.

Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on the
rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat. He sniffs
it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands beside him and
he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME

Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.

                        HEALY
           How many is that?

                        TUCKER
           Four.

                        HEALY
           That seems like a lot of speed for a little
           pooch--you sure it won't kill him?

                        TUCKER
           I never said that.

As Tucker throws another...

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. Magda
looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE DRINK!

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME

Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.

                        MARY
           ... and then it was all over.
                 (SIGHS)
           We haven't spoken since.

                        TED
                 (sincere)
           Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
           perfect.

                        MARY
           Yeah...almost.
                 (beat)
           You want to come up and watch Sportscenter?

                        TED
           Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out while
           I'm ahead.

Mary looks a little disappointed.

                        MARY
           Ted...you're not that far ahead.

                        TED
           Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be in town
           for a while now but I don't think we should
           see each other for a few weeks.

                        MARY
                 (alarmed)
           Why not?

                        TED
           Well...to be honest....I'm really crazy
           about you and it's making me nervous and
           when I get nervous I'm not myself and I'm
           afraid I'm going to doing something really
           dumb before we get started so I think I
           should just lay back until I regain my
           composure.

Mary sort of smiles.

                        MARY
           That's really sweet, Ted, but you should
           save it for one of your books.

                        TED
           All right, let's go.

Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH with one
hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.

Mary doesn't know what to make of it.

                        MARY
           Magda, what are you doing?

Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.

                        MAGDA
           Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.

                        MARY
           Where's Puffy?

                        MAGDA
           Ah, he was being a pest so I put him in the
           bathroom.

As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.

                        MARY
                 (to Ted, concerned)
           Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--would
           you let the dog out of the bathroom.

                        TED
           Yeah, sure.

Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING SOUND
until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is MUCH LOUDER
now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM HESITATE.

TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED OUTWARD
from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.

                        TED
                 (CALLING out)
           Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?

                        MARY (O.S.)
                 (CALLING out)
           Toy poodle!

Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.

BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up dog ON
HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the floor, and
fights for his life.

Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. Ted
tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF OF HIS
PANTS.

DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into the
room.

Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.

                        MAGDA
           Stop it, you're hurting him!

                        TED
                 (out of breath)
           Tell him...to calm down.

Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops him.
Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.

They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted SMACKS
HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start and LEAPS
AT TED'S NECK.

Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY

MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE

--Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.
Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a
sissy. Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren
decides to go for it and Ted follows.

--At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks

around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives
underwater and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a
GASPING Warren.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

--Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of
his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass
a shop Warren points to the window excitedly.

THEIR POV

In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-
hero outfit, i.e. a generic superman.

Warren then pulls Ted into the store.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in
the Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and
a few steps later Warren excitedly points to another
shop window.

THEIR POV

In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy
outfit, i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps,
vest, boots, spurs, etc.)

Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She
turns and reacts amused.

HER POV

Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a
humiliated Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting
Super-hero outfit.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda
and Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's
company. Ted is on top of the world, feeling good,
looking good-right up until he gets the HOOK IN HIS
MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED OUT OF FRAME.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE
HOOK. Mary looks on, concerned.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each
HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A
BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts
putting the groceries in the back seat.

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

--Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS
Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that
PUFFY IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY
before Mary notices.

EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY

--Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE
while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into
the cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE,
and MOVES WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.

--A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, Mary
comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND COMPLETELY
CLOSED.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting on the
couch.

                        TED
                 (chipper)
           Hey.

Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.

                        TED (cont'd)
           The flowers are for you and the ball's for
           Warren. I had a friend of mine Fedex it to
           me--it's signed by Tony Conigliaro.

Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.

                        MARY
           Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me around?

Ted tries to hide his horror.

                        TED
                 (lamely)
           What do you mean?

Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to him.
Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.

                        MARY
           It's not true...right, Ted?

Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.

                        TED
           Well, funny story there. You see, uh, it
           started out as a uh...yeah...it's true. =

Mary stands up.

                        MARY
           Get out.

                        TED
           Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad as it
           sounds. I certainly didn't know--

                        MARY
           That you put a murderer on my trail?

                        TED
           Well yeah, I didn't know much about him. I
           just thought--

                        MARY
           What did you think, Ted? That you could spy
           on me and trick me into thinking you were
           someone I could...really go for?

Mary starts to get emotional.

                        TED
           Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to trick you.

                        MARY
           Then what the fuck did you do it for?

                        TED
           I did it because because I'd never
           stopped thinking about you and if I didn't
           find you I knew my life would never be good
           again.

Mary looks away.

                        MARY
                 (softly)
           Please leave.

                        TED
                 (devastated)
           Mary, come on...

                        MARY
           Go!

                        TED
                 (beat)
           Okay.

And so Ted does.

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back and
forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems to grow
angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds a SLIP OF
PAPER.

TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 Court
Street, apt. 43.'

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to apartment
43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He tries the handle
and THE DOOR OPENS.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 

Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. DOG
SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers across
the carpet.

                        TED
           Hello...?

No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he ducks
behind the door.

Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks when
they see the MESS.

                        HEALY
           Ho-ly shit.

                        TUCKER
           Hey, this is a pretty nice place.

                        HEALY
           Sully...! What the fuck happened here?!

Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs Healy
by the collar.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
                 (alarmed)
           Hey, hey, hey!

                        TED
           Surprised?

                        TUCKER
           Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash now.

                        TED
                 (to Tucker)
           Who the fuck are you?

                        HEALY
           He's in love with Mary, too.

Ted releases Healy and glares at him.

                        TED
           You fucked me, man? Why would you do that?

                        HEALY
                 (righteous)
           What do you mean 'why'?

                        TED
           Answer the question, shitball.

                        TUCKER
           I think everybody could use a drink.

Tucker goes into the kitchen.

                        HEALY
           Look, you asked me to follow your girl
           around, and I did and I started to like
           her, and then I realized I just couldn't in
           good conscience do it.

                        TED
                 (amazed)
           Do what?

                        HEALY
           Turn her over to a stalker.

                        TED
           What?! You're calling me a stalker?

                        HEALY
           That's right--if you weren't you would've
           looked for her yourself!

Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa slithering
into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP in his midsection.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
                 (sickened)
           Oh Christ...poor dog.

                        TED
           You're a sick man, you know that?

                        HEALY
           Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand
           the fact that it was my turn.

                        TED
           Your turn?

                        HEALY
                 (getting emotional)
           That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's
           the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever
           get the great girl? Give the big pig with
           the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick
           of it, man! No more--it was my turn. It was
           time for me...time for me...to be happy.

This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits down,
runs his fingers through his hair.

                        TED
           Well you didn't have to blow us both out of
           the water. Jesus Christ, just because she
           found out about you, why'd you have to take
           me down with you?

                        HEALY
           I don't know what you're talking about.

                        TED
           I'm talking about the letter, asshole.

                        HEALY
           What? 

Ted stares at him.

                        TED
           Are you telling me you didn't send Mary a
           letter outlining our deal?

                        HEALY
           Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
           screwing myself.

The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the kitchen
with a drink. They turn their attention to him.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           You little fuck.

                        TUCKER
           What?

                        HEALY
           You fucking prick, we had a deal--you said
           you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck
           you until we had this fuck out of the
           fucking picture.
                 (moves in on Tucker)
           You crossed the line, man.

Tucker backs away nervously. 

                        TUCKER
           Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy now. Why
           would I cross the line--what do you think I
           got no pride?

Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.

                        TUCKER (cont'd)
           I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! You
           probably did it yourself, you piece of
           shit.

                        HEALY
           Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why would I
           rat myself out?

                        TUCKER
           Like I'm going to try to figure out a guy
           who's idea of courting is blowing farts in
           the chick's face

                        HEALY
           You were following us?

                        TUCKER
           Don't flatter yourself--I was following
           her, I always do. How the hell you think
           I got rid of Mary's boyfriend Steve?

This gets Ted's attention.

                        TED
           You mean...Steve didn't say all that stuff
           about Warren?

                        TUCKER
           Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?
           He was like a fucking eagle scout. You two
           should be kissing my balls--if it wasn't
           for me, she might've married that schmuck!

Ted thinks about this.

                        TED
           The hell with you both--I'm out of here.

Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare each
other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of the bedroom
with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does a double-take,
then looks back at the snake.

                        HEALY
                 (sadly)
           Oh...Sully.

                        TUCKER
           Look, if it wasn't you who sent the letter,
           and it wasn't me who sent it?

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.

                        MARY
           Woogie? What are what are you doing here?

REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.

                        DOM
           Did you get my letter, Mare? The one about 
           Ted?

                        MARY
           You sent that?

                        DOM
           Uh-huh. I was worried about you.

                        MARY
           Well...thank you. But...you know you're not
           supposed to be within four hundred yards of
           me.

                        DOM
                 (excited)
           That's what I want to tell ya. I've been
           through two years of extensive
           psychotherapy and you know what? You were
           right--I needed help.

                        MARY
                 (cautious)
           That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
           better--you seem...good--but...you put me
           through quite an ordeal, you know.

Dom nods aggressively.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           I had to move, go to court, change my last
           name--you stole all my shoes!

Dom stands up.

                        DOM
           Look at me.

Mary turns her head.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           Look at me, Mary. On my mother's soul, on
           God above, on everything that is holy to
           me, I did not steal your shoes.

                        MARY
           Woogie, I caught you red-handed.

                        DOM
           All right, I did, but I was in a weird
           place then.

He approaches her.

                        DOM (cont'd)
           Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!

Mary backs into the living room.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY

Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO THIS
CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.

                        MARY (V.O.)
           Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.

                        HEALY
           Who the hell's Woogie?

Tucker just shrugs.

BACK ON Mary and Dom. =~

                        MARY
           I'm asking you to leave.

                        DOM
                 (gentle)
           Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this all
           wrong.
                 (beat)
           I'm not leaving...

BACK IN HEALY'S CAR

                        DOM (cont'd) (V.O.)
           ...Not until I get a little something to
           remember you by.

                        MARY (V. O . )
                 (clearly struggling)
           Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!

Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE BUILDING.

                                                       CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they see.

THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his arms
and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him back.

                        MARY
           Stop it!

                        DOM
           Just one pair! You owe me that much, you
           heartless bitch!

Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.

                        HEALY
           Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your
           friend Ted like that.

                        DOM
           What? You fucked him over, too.

                        HEALY
           He's no friend of mine.

Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-eaten
BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after her, sporting
a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.

                        MAGDA
           What the hell's going on here?

At first no one knows what to say. Then:

                        HEALY
           We're in love with your roommate.

                        MAGDA
           Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. I'm
           gonna pack my bags and go back to my own
           place.

Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.

                        MARY
           Tucker, where are your crutches?

Tucker is stumped for a second, then:

                        TUCKER
                 (British accent)
           Interesting query, Mary...

Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.

                        HEALY
           Shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.

Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.

                        TUCKER
           Well isn't this nice--now we've got the
           whole gang together.

Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.

                        TED
           Dom? What are you?

                        DOM
           You stole her from me. Now I want her back.

                        MARY
                 (rolling eyes)
           Woogie and I went out for awhile in high
           school.

                        TED
                 (stunned)
           You're Woogie?

                        DOM
           Dom Wooganowski. Duh.

                        TED
           But but you're married. You have kids a
           great wife.

                        DOM
           If you're so happy with them, please, be my
           guest.

                        HEALY
           If I may I have a proposal.

Everyone turns to Healy.

                        HEALY (cont'd)
           I say none of us leave this room until our
           young Mary here stops jerking us around and
           decides once and for all who she wants. Now
           Mary, I know this is difficult but you
           really will be doing them all a favor to
           tell them the truth about us.

                        MARY
           Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? You're
           a murderer.

Healy glares at Tucker.

                        TUCKER
           Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I
           exaggerated a little there.

                        MARY
           You mean he's not a criminal?

                        HEALY
           God no!
                 (pleased)
           I'm just a pathological liar!

Mary looks at Tucker, confused.

                        MARY
           Tucker...not you, too?

Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.

                        TUCKER
           Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano with my
           folks.

                        MARY
           Oh Jesus...

Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers quarterback
ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside him. Everyone is
stunned.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Brett...?

                        BRETT FAVRE
           Hi, Mary.

                        HEALY
           What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

                        BRETT FAVRE
           We're in town to play the Dolphins.

                        TED
           I called him. I told him to pick up Warren
           and get over here.

everyone turns their attention to Ted.

                        TED (cont'd)
           Mary, I found out that your buddy Tucker
           there lied to you about Brett.

Tucker lowers his head.

                        TED (cont'd)
           Brett never said anything bad about Warren.
           He loves Warren...and from what he just
           told me on the phone, he loves you, too.
                 (beat)
           He's the guy you should be with.

                        BRETT FAVRE
           That's right, Mare. And you know I'll
           always be true to you.

                        DOM
           Aw shit, this isn't fair.

Mary manages a smile.

                        TED
                 (to Mary)
           I realized something tonight. I'm no better
           than any of these guys. None of them really
           love you...they just fixated on you because
           of how you made them feel. But that's not
           real love...Thank you for letting me see
           that. Now I can get on with the rest of my
           life.

Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.

                        TUCKER
           Oh please...

                        DOM
           Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a ploy.

                        HEALY
           You are so full of shit, Strohman. Are you
           going to stand here and tell us that you
           aren't in love with this girl?

Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.

                        TED
           Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
                 (winks)
           See you, Mare.

Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.

                        TED (cont'd)
                 (as he passes Warren)
           See you, Warren.

                        WARREN
           Huh...?

Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.

                        TED
           See you, Warren.

                        WARREN
           Bye, Ted.

Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in silence
for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.

                        DOM
           Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you to
           autograph one of these pumps for me?

                                                       CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running down
the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

                        MARY
           Ted!

Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his eyes,
hopeful.

                        TED
           What what are you doing here?

                        MARY
           You forgot your keys!

She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.

                        TED
                 (deflated)
           Oh. Thanks.

They remain across the street from one another.

                        MARY
           Did you mean what you said back there, Ted?

Ted starts to well up again.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Ted...?

                        TED
                 (looking down)
           I...I just want you to be happy, Mary.

                        MARY
           But I think I'd be happiest...with you.

Ted just stares at her.

                        TED
           You're fucking with me, right?

Mary smiles.

                        TED (cont'd)
                 (wiping eyes)
           But but what about Steve?

                        MARY
           Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy
           doesn't even drink beer or gamble.

Now Ted smiles.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Get over here.

                        TED
           Really?

                        MARY
           Really.

The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a BUS
WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around under the
bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the back end and
TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.

Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to gather.

                        MARY
           Ted, no, no....!

She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.

Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. The
crowd winces.

                        MARY (cont'd)
           Somebody hold up traffic!
                 (beat)
           Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're going
           to be okay.

Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.

                        TED
           Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.

Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.

                        MARY
           I love you too, Ted.
                 (beat)
           I think I always have.

As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:

                        LADY
           Over here! I found his foot! It was in the
           storm drain!

ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.

                        MARY
           All right, everyone, let's fan out and look
           for the penis!

As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and

                                                       FADE OUT.


                              THE END