Actor Point >> Movie Scripts >> Three Men and a Baby Film Script

Three Men And A Baby Movie Script

Writer(s) : Jim Cruickshank, James Orr, Colline Serreau

Genres : Comedy, Family

Search IMDb : Three Men And A Baby


Three Men and a Baby

         Written by

     COLINE SERREAU and

       JAMES ORR and

      JAMES CRUICKSHANK




       November 1986




    FOR EDUCATIONAL
     PURPOSES ONLY

                                                                   2.

                      THREE MEN AND A BABY

    FADE IN:


1   INT. AIRPLANE - DAY                                        1
    On a chartered plane flying from Miami to Newark Airport.
    JACK is the captain. His copilot PAUL is seated beside
    him. In the passenger cabin, a female gymnastics team is
    celebrating a hard-won, glorious victory over the Miami
    team. They are singing, dancing in the aisles and
    drinking champagne.

    In the rear of the cabin, there are three regular pass-
    engers: a teenager, his mother, and a man who appears to
    be a BUSINESSMAN.
    The plane is flying over the coastline.
    The partition between the cockpit and the passenger cabin
    is open. Jack is very excited. He can't stop turning
    around to look at the passengers.
                             JACK
                      (to Paul)
               Oh my God! I can't believe my
               eyes! Look at these women! Will
               you look at the gorgeous calves on
               them?! I'm telling you, give me
               an athlete any day... Oh God!
               Look at that redhead over there,
               and look at that one! Christ,
               I hadn't noticed her.
                      (miming a heart
                       attack)
               Paul, I've just fallen madly in
               love with the most beautiful
               woman in the world...
                             PAUL
                      (totally
                       uninterested)
               Oh yeah? Which one?
                             JACK
                      (as though about
                       to keel over)
               The blonde over there, she's too
               gorgeous for words. Just look at
               those eyes, look at those
               shoulders and the way she moves.
               I'm in love. Here, take over,
               I'll be right back.

                                                          3.


Jack gets up and Paul takes his place at the controls.
Jack makes his way up the aisle, through the girls who
are blocking the way, to the object of his affections.
She is sitting in one of the aisle seats and singing
her head off. Jack leans over and whispers, quickly and
intensely, to her.
                         JACK
          Hello.   I'm the captain of this
          plane.   May I ask your name?
                        GIRL
          Sure, my name is Jane.    Why?
                        JACK
          Listen, Jane, I've seen many
          beautiful women in my life but I
          swear to you, I've never, ever
          met a woman as exquisite as you
          are.
Jack kneels down before her, and the Girl looks at him,
amused. He takes her hand and places it over his heart.
                        JACK
          Jane, can you feel my heart? It's
          pounding. This is horrible, I
          think I'm gonna faint. Listen: I'm
          madly in love with you, I'm single
          and here's my phone number.
He hands her his business card.
                        JACK
          I'm putting my fate in your hands.
          If you don't call me, you'll make
          me the most miserable man on earth.
          This is no line and I'm not trying
          to get you into bed. This is
          something completely different. I
          love you Jane and if you call me I'll
          be the happiest man in the entire
          universe -- this is 'love at first
          sight.' Out of all these beautiful
          women I noticed only you, and...
The Girl laughs as Jack goes on. Meanwhile, the Busi-
nessman who was seated in the rear of the plane has
gotten up and walked over to Jack.
                          BUSINESSMAN
          Are you Paul?
                        JACK
          No, I'm not.
                 (to Jane)

                                                     4.

          My name's Jack and I live in a
          fabulous apartment in Manhattan
          overlooking the park and...
                        BUSINESSMAN
          But you're the pilot, aren't you?

                        JACK
          Yes, I'm the pilot...
                 (to Jane)
          ... I'm not even asking for your
          phone number...
                        BUSINESSMAN
          Isn't there a pilot whose name is
          Paul?

                        JACK
                 (annoyed)
          Yeah, the copilot -- he's up
          front...
The Businessman disappears in the direction of the
cockpit.
                         JACK
                  (back to Jane)
          I'm leaving it all up to you,
          Jane, but if you do give me
          your phone number, then Jane,
          then...
The Businessman has reached the cockpit.
                        BUSINESSMAN
                 (in a low tone)
          Are you Paul?
                        PAUL
                 (turning around
                  nervously)
          Yeah... Are you Jim?
                        BUSINESSMAN
          Yeah.
He hands Paul a man's purse.
                        BUSINESSMAN
          Here's your cash.
                        PAUL
          What about the stuff?
                        BUSINESSMAN
          I don't have it. We've got
          problems. Too much heat. Too

                                                       5.

          risky. We think the cops are
          on to us.
                        PAUL
          Whadda ya mean us?   You mean me?

                        BUSINESSMAN
          I mean shut up and listen. Two
          guys will be waiting for you in
          a black T-Bird, expecting the
          dope. Just ignore them. It'll
          be delivered to you on Sunday
          and picked up the following
          Thursday, okay?
                        PAUL
          But I won't be home, I'll be in
          the air for two weeks.
                        BUSINESSMAN
          That's your problem. Make
          arrangements, a deal's a deal.
          Got it!?
                        PAUL
          Got it.
Jack returns.
                        JACK
                 (bursting with
                  excitement)
          I got her phone number!   She gave
          me her phone number!
                        BUSINESSMAN
          That's some magnificent view,
          isn't it?
                        JACK
          It's wonderful -- Life is
          wonderful!
The Businessman goes back to his seat and Jack grabs
hold of the microphone.
                        JACK
          This is your captain speaking. In
          honor of your victory, in honor of
          your beauty, and in honor of Jane,
          the most beautiful gymnast I have
          ever met. I'm going to give you a
          little demonstration of aviation
          gymnastics -- reserved only for the
          most important guest, hip, hip...
Everyone shouts "HOORAY!" except for Paul and the

                                                                    6.

    Businessman, who remain grim.
    Jack dips the plane very low over the water and skims the
    cliffs along the coast. It is a beautiful, impressive
    stunt. There are gleeful shouts in the cabin among the
    passengers.


2   INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PASSENGER TERMINAL - DAY              2
    Jack is saying an emotional goodbye to Jane as she leaves
    with her teammates. Jane finds it all very funny, but
    Jack looks totally wretched seeing her go.
    Jack and Paul walk toward the exit.

                            JACK
              God, what a woman!
    Paul is nervous, glancing uneasily from car to car.
                            JACK
              Wanna share a cab?
                               Paul
              Yeah, sure!
    A black Ford pulls up in front of them and its driver
    looks at Paul who immediately turns his back on him.
                            JACK
              She's so beautiful! I've never
              been so in love before. Can you
              believe she gave me her phone
              number... Oh, Christ -- where is
              it?... Oh, no, don't tell me I
              lost it... It's a matter of life
              and death... Oh here it is --
              thank God!
    All the while    Jack has been rambling on, a beige car
    on the other    side of the street has slowed down. Paul
    notices it.     In the beige car, a narcotics agent, GRATON,
    is behind the    wheel with one of his colleagues sitting
    beside him.
                            GRATON
              They're slowing down.    Take a
              picture.
    The colleague snaps a picture of everyone who happens to
    be standing near the black Ford, including Jack and Paul.
    The black Ford pulls out. The beige car follows it.
    Paul observes all this out of the corner of his eye.
                            PAUL
              Listen, I need a favor, I got

                                                         7.

          a little problem.
                        JACK
          Yeah, sure... Hey, look, will you
          -- look at that sparkling beauty.

A very beautiful woman is coming down the walkway with
cart overflowing with luggage. One of them falls off.
                        PAUL
          Yeah... I mean, it's like...
          There's this little package...
                        JACK
          She'll never make it with all
          that luggage she's got. I gotta
          give her a hand. Look at the
          colors in her hair! Christ, I've
          never seen a woman like her
          before...
He's about to walk off when Paul grabs him by the arm.
                        PAUL
          Jack, listen, can I...
                        JACK
          Sure you can, no problem...
          Listen, I gotta go now, I'm
          gonna see if she'll share a cab
          with me.  You take the shuttle,
          okay?
                        PAUL
          But I gotta explain to you
          about...
                        JACK
          Come over to my place tonight.
          We're having a huge party. Come
          around 9, okay? See ya later.

Jack races toward the woman and begins to help her
with the fallen luggage. We see him talking to her
and we can hear a little of what he's saying.
                        JACK
          As exquisite as you are...
          I think I'm gonna faint.
He kneels, takes her hand and puts it over his heart.
The young woman is flabbergasted.
A lonely-looking Paul hails the shuttle bus.

                                                                  8.

3   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                    3
    A large, stylishly decorated apartment in Manhattan.
    A tremendous living room. A party's going on. Very
    LOUD JAZZ is PLAYING. The lights are dim. There are
    about 30 guests. Lots of young pretty women. Gourmet
    buffet. People are sitting on couches talking, others
    are eating, drinking or dancing. In a dimly-lit corner,
    Jack is kneeling before a girl sitting in an armchair.
    She is laughing as she listens to him.
                             JACK
                     (whispering
                      passionately)
              This is no line and I'm not
              trying to get you into bed. This
              is something completely different.
              This is 'love at first sight.'
              Oh, I'm so happy... Let me go get
              you a glass of champagne. I'll
              be right back.
    Jack gets up and goes over to the buffet. As soon as
    he's out of the girl's line of sight, he starts running
    toward the other end of the apartment. On the way he
    passes MICHAEL, who's deeply engrossed in a vehement
    conversation about modern art with a girl called SOPHIA.
    They're fighting like cats and dogs but seem to be enjoy-
    ing it.
                            SOPHIA
              Are you saying that's art, are
              you really saying that's art?
              Well then you explain why.
                            MICHAEL
              It goes back to prehistoric man.
              They had comic strips on their
              walls, for God's sake.
                            JACK
                     (whispering
                      in Michael's
                      ear)
              I'm having a hard time.    I'm
              working on two at once.
                            MICHAEL
                     (very interested)
              Oh yeah, who?
                            JACK
              The brunette in the armchair in
              the living room -- her name's
              Rosalie...
                             MICHAEL

                                                           9.

          And the other one?
                         JACK
          Clementine -- she's waiting for
          me in the den.

He moves away towards the den.
                         MICHAEL
                 (to Sophia)
          Wait one second for me, I'll
          be right back.
Michael walks off in the direction of Rosalie.
Paul is wandering among the guests, trying to find Jack,
he sees PETER who is talking with another young woman,
NICOLE. Peter is nodding, idly looking around, com-
pletely uninterested in the conversation.
                        NICOLE
          You guys have a beautiful place
          here. But the rent must be a
          killer.
Peter isn't paying attention.
                        NICOLE
          Isn't it a killer?
                           PETER
          What?...
                           PETER (CONT'D)
          Oh,    the rent... yeah, it's high
          but    split between the three of
          us    it isn't that bad, as long
          as    we don't eat.
Nicole laughs.
                        PAUL
          Hi Peter, I'm looking for Jack,
          have you seen him?
                        PETER
          Oh hi, Paul, how are you doing?
          Yeah, sure, I'll take you to
          Jack.
                 (to Nicole)
          Excuse me for a minute.
They move away.
                        PETER
          You're a lifesaver, I've been
          trying to get away from that woman

                                                          10.

         for 20 minutes. That sonofabitch
         Carl is moving in on my Natalie.
         Gotta go... bye.
                       PAUL
         Wait -- What about Jack?

                       PETER
                (in a hurry)
         He's around somewhere.     Check
         under all the couches.
Paul walks off in Jack's direction. We STAY WITH Peter,
who reaches Natalie. She is talking with a very styl-
ishly-dressed, tall, young man, CARL.

                       PETER
         Oh Natalie, I've been looking
         for you all night.
                       CARL
         All night? I just saw you deep
         in conversation with Nicole!
                       PETER
         Deep? Hell no, we were just
         talking shop.
                       NATALIE
         Oh come on Peter, we all know
         what a ladies' man you are.
                      PETER
         Who, me? Jack's the ladies' man,
         not me. You're the only lady I'm
         after.
                       CARL
                (interrupting)
         So tell me, how's your project
         coming along? I heard you're not
         ready yet.
                       PETER
         We've still got two weeks left
         before the semi-finals. We'll
         be ready.
                       CARL
         We've been ready for three days
         now. We're gonna kick your ass.
                       NATALIE
         Their project is really incredible.
                        PETER
         Oh really?   You've seen it?

                                                            11.


                        NATALIE
                 (smiling broadly
                  at Carl)
          No, it's top secret but he's been
          telling me about it...

                        PETER
                 (in a bad mood)
          Ours is incredible too.
                        CARL
          If you ever get it finished.
Paul comes up to Jack, who is kneeling before Clementine,
whispering passionate sweet nothings in her ear. It
appears he's gotten beyond the "This is love at first
sight" stage. He's getting down to the nitty-gritty
now. Clementine is thrilled. Paul taps Jack on the
shoulder.
                        PAUL
          Jack, can I talk to you for a
          second?
                        JACK
          Oh, hi, Paul, yeah sure...
                        JACK (CONT'D)
                 (to Clementine)
          ... Please darling, don't move...
          I'll be right back, okay? I'll
          bring us back some champagne...
He disappears with Paul.
                        JACK
          You're a lifesaver, Paul. I
          thought I'd never get away.
          Rosalie's waiting for me in the
          living room. Isn't she
          terrific?
                            PAUL
          Who?   Rosalie?
                            JACK
          Clementine.
                        PAUL
          Oh yeah, for sure, I dunno.
          Listen, can you do me a favor?
With some difficulty, Paul follows Jack as he picks his
way through the people dancing, heading in Rosalie's
direction.

                                     12.

              JACK
Yeah... What kind of favor?
Damn, I've got to get her
a glass of champagne.
              PAUL
Listen, I've got a little problem.
I'm having a valuable package
delivered to me on Sunday, but I'm
not going to be home. I've got to
do the Hawaii-Tahiti-Australia
route, so can I have the package
delivered here instead?
              JACK
       (filling a glass
        with champagne)
Yeah, sure, of course.
       (he stops,
        thinking)
No, wait, I'm leaving for South
America tomorrow. I'll be gone
for three weeks.
              JACK (CONT'D)
But it's okay. Peter and Michael
will be here. They'll take care
of it.
              PAUL
Will you be sure to tell them
about it?
               JACK
Absolutely.   Don't worry about
a thing.
              PAUL
It'll be delivered Sunday and
picked up next Thursday, okay?
              JACK
Delivered Sunday picked up
Thursday. Got it. No problem.
              PAUL
This is a very delicate matter,
Jack. It's very important they
don't tell anybody about this
package. It could be very... uh,
embarrassing for me, you know
what I'm saying?
             JACK
Sure. You got it.    I'll see you
later...

                                                                   13.

    Jack is about to rejoin Rosalie.     Paul grabs his arm.
                            PAUL
              Not to anyone at all.    Tell
              them that, okay?

                            JACK
              Okay, sure, not to anyone at
              all... Look, I'm sorry Paul, but
              I gotta get back to Rosalie. Now
              go have a good time. I'll take
              care of everything.
                            PAUL
              Bye and thanks a lot.

                            JACK
              Don't mention it.
    Paul leaves.
    Jack finally reaches the armchair where Rosalie is
    sitting. He stops short, obviously disappointed.
                             JACK
              Uh-oh.   Too late.
    Michael is sitting next to Rosalie, right next to her.
    They get up to dance. As he passes Jack, Michael
    smiles broadly.
                            MICHAEL
              All's fair, old buddy...
    Jack watches a moment, then breaks into a wide smile.
                            JACK
                     (singing)
              Oh my darling, oh my darling,
              oh my darling Clementine.
    Jack whirls around and heads back towards Clementine.

4   INT. APARTMENT - FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT                   4
    The guests are leaving. Commotion in the hall, people
    are saying goodbye to Peter and Michael.
    Natalie is about to walk out.
                            PETER
              Natalie, why don't you stay for a
              nightcap?
                            NATALIE
              No, I've gotta get up early...

                                                             14.


                        CARL
                 (to Natalie)
          Do you care to share a cab?
                         NATALIE
          Oh yes, thanks -- that's really
          nice of you...
                        CARL
                 (smiling
                  triumphantly;
                  to Peter)
          Good night, Peter.
                         PETER
                 (with a forced
                  smile)
          Good night, Carl... I'll call
          you Sunday, Natalie.
She has already left.   The door closes on the last of the
departing guests.
                        MICHAEL
          So you struck out again with
          Natalie, huh? That Carl is a
          real smooth operator.
                        PETER
          He's an asshole!
                 (mimicking Carl)
          'I heard you're not ready yet.'
          'We're gonna kick your ass.' Well,
          we may be behind schedule, but
          we're still going to beat that
          sonofabitch and maybe I haven't
          scored with Natalie yet, but
          neither has he. She's not an easy
          lay, that's what I like about her.
          You know what they say: it ain't
          over till it's over.
Peter and Michael go into the living room. Peter is
picking up glasses. Michael is emptying ashtrays into
the wastebasket.
                        MICHAEL
          Well, I didn't do so well either
          -- I blew it with Rosalie. I
          don't even know how...
                           PETER
          Who's Rosalie?
                        MICHAEL
          That beauty I managed to swipe

                                                                   15.

              from Jack. I was about to ask
              her to stay the night when...
                            PETER
              Your old friend Sophia appeared
              and got you involved in a thrilling
              conversation about modern art,
              and meanwhile Rosalie...
                            MICHAEL
              How could you know that?
                            PETER
              Michael, all you want to do is
              steal Jack's girl friends. You
              don't give a shit about the women
              themselves...
                            MICHAEL
              That's not true. It's just that
              Sophia drives me crazy. She knows
              all the right buttons to push to
              make me mad.
                            PETER
                     (going into the
                      kitchen)
              Anyway, it was a great party,
              everyone had a good time...
                             MICHAEL
                     (still in the living
                      room, shouting to
                      Peter)
              Terrific... time.
    He, too, leaves the living room and runs into Jack, who
    has his arm around Clementine's waist as he heads toward
    his bedroom with her.

5   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                     5
    In the kitchen Peter is straightening up. Michael joins
    him, dumping the ashes. Peter begins washing the glasses.
                              PETER
              Where's Jack?    Did he leave?
                            MICHAEL
              No, he's cuddling up with a blonde
              named Clementine...
                            PETER
              That's not Clementine. I saw him
              doing his famous routine with
              Christie...

                                                            16.


                        MICHAEL
          No, it is Clementine, the one with
          the tits this big...
                        PETER
          Christie's got tits that big,
          too...
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, but he was with Christie at
          the beginning of the evening --
          after that he was with Rosalie
          and then with Clementine. And
          since I stole Rosalie away from
          him... Are you following this?

                          PETER
          I'm not.
Jack enters the kitchen in very high spirits, singing.
                        JACK
          Nice work if you can get it, and
          you can get it if you try... Any
          scotch left?
                        PETER
          Yeah, here, I just put it away.
                        JACK
          Sorry I can't give you guys a
          hand, but I've got something
          cooking.
                        PETER
          I thought you were leaving at
          dawn for South America?
                        JACK
          I am, the night's still young!...
          It's gonna be a lively one. I'm
          gonna make us a little snack.
He makes up a tray with sandwiches.
                         MICHAEL
          So, who is it anyway -- Christie
          or Clementine?
                          JACK
          Maxine.    Beautiful, enchanting
          Maxine.
Peter and Michael look at one another surprised, mouthing
silently, "Maxine?"

                                                                    17.

                            JACK
              Hey, Michael -- how'd it go with
              Rosalie?
                            MICHAEL
              Well, things were going great
              until...
                            JACK
              Your old friend Sophia appeared
              and dragged you into a thrilling
              conversation about modern art and
              in the meantime Rosalie took off
              with someone else.
                            MICHAEL
              How did you know?
                            JACK
              I dunno -- lucky guess...
                            MICHAEL
              Well, I don't give a damn anyway,
              I have 24 drawings to hand in to
              my editor three days from now and
              I gotta work all night anyway...
              So it was all for the best. But
              you better not leave that Maxine's
              phone number lying around because
              when I'm done...
                             JACK
              Don't worry, I'll leave you her
              phone number on the hall table.
              If she's really terrific I'll put
              a big 'X' next to it. 'Bye, guys
              -- love ya. I won't wake you
              tomorrow morning. See you in
              three weeks...

6   INT. APARTMENT - DAWN                                       6
    Jack and Maxine noiselessly exit the   apartment. Jack is
    wearing his pilot's uniform. Maxine    pushes the button
    for the elevator. Jack sneaks back    into the apartment
    and leaves a note on the hall table   that says: "Maxine
    227-2013." Next to the number Jack    has put a big "X."

7   EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF APARTMENT - DAWN                    7
    Jack and Maxine exchange a brief kiss and go their
    separate ways.

8   EXT./INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PLANE                            8

                                                                  18.


    Jack is in the cockpit with his copilot, RON. The
    ENGINES are REVVING. Jack is checking gauges. He looks
    out the window idly and sees:
    The crew of another plane walking across the tarmac.
    Paul is one of the crew. Paul sees Jack and begins to
    gesture wildly, but his voice is drowned out by the noise
    of the ENGINES.
    Just seeing Paul is enough to remind Jack about his
    package.
                            JACK
              Damn! I forgot to tell them about
              the package!
                     (to Ron)
              I gotta make a quick phone call.
              I'll be right back.
                            RON
                     (knowingly)
              Jack, there'll be plenty of girls
              where we're going.
                            JACK
              Oh, c'mon, I've really got to
              make a phone call! What do you
              think I'm going to do, pick up
              one of the New Jersey delegates
              to the I.B.M. convention?
    Jack walks back towards the phone. As he walks we see
    that the plane is filled with ugly, boring businessmen.

9   INT. ARCHITECTURE OFFICE - DAY                            9
    In the architecture firm of which Peter is one of three
    partners. The whole staff, about 15 people in all, is
    gathered around a large model, the project for a big
    amusement park. They all seem worried about something.
    JERRY, one of Peter's partners, seems particularly angry.
                            JERRY
              The model's not finished, the
              blueprints are a mess and you may
              as well forget the specs, they're
              a disaster! I know we're talented.
              I know we're good. Then why is it
              we can never get organized? Why
              is it we're always behind schedule?
                            JAY
              Look, Jerry, architects since
              Leonardo have always been behind
              schedule. It's a tradition, for

                                              19.

         God's sake.   Why break with
         tradition?
                       JERRY
         Because this is the chance of a
         lifetime for our company, and
         there happens to be a deadline.
         There are millions of dollars
         at stake here. And our main
         competition had their project in
         three days ago!
                       PETER
         Yeah, but word around town is
         their project's a piece of
         shit!

                       JERRY
         Of course, it's a piece of shit,
         but it's a ready piece of shit.
                       JAY
         We're just going to have to buckle
         down, that's all.
                       JERRY
         You're damn right we are. Starting
         now, everybody works around the
         clock! Everybody! We have two
         weeks to be ready for the semi-
         final selection. And we will be
         ready. And we will win. You want
         to know why we'll win?
                       JAY
         Because we're gonna cheat.
                       PETER
         I'll go bribe the judges!
                       JERRY
         I don't think this is a joking
         matter, gentlemen.
                       PETER
         Come on, Jerry...
A SECRETARY enters.
                       SECRETARY
         There's an urgent call for you,
         Peter.
                        PETER
         I'm not in.

                                                                       20.

                            SECRETARY
              It's Jack -- he says it's 'super
              important...'
     Peter picks up the phone.

                            PETER
              Hi... yeah... listen, make it
              quick, I'm in a meeting here...
              yeah, a package... okay...
              someone'll drop it off Sunday
              and pick it up Thursday...
              No problem ... yeah... we'll
              put it aside, okay... no, no,
              we won't tell anybody about it...
              Is that it?... Right, we won't
              tell anyone... Hey -- love 'n'
              kisses to the Brazilian girls,
              vaya con dios, old buddy.
     Peter hangs up, laughing.    Jerry gives him a dirty look.
                               PETER
              What?

10   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                         10
     Peter, dressed in casual clothes, knocks on the door of
     Michael's room, and peeks in.
     Michael is asleep fully clothed on his bed. His drawing
     table is strewn with papers, overflowing ashtrays and
     empty coffee cups. The lamp is still on.
                            PETER
              I'm going out for bagels -- how
              many you want, three or four?
                            MICHAEL
                     (opening one eye)
              What time is it?
                               PETER
              Eleven-thirty.
                               MICHAEL
              A.M. or P.M.?
                              PETER
              A.M.    C'mon, up 'n' at 'em.
                            MICHAEL
              Up 'n' at 'em yourself, asshole
              -- I just went to bed.
                               PETER

                                                                  21.

               Did you finish?
                             MICHAEL
               Nah, I didn't get anywhere.
                              PETER
               Well then... nap time's over.
               Back to work. So how many bagels,
               three or four?
                               MICHAEL
               Six, six!
     He buries his head under the pillow.


11   INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY                            11
     Peter opens the front door, he stumbles over an object,
     looks down; at his feet he sees a wicker basket lined
     with pretty pink-and-white checked gingham. In the
     basket a tiny baby lies fast asleep, her head gently
     resting on a lace pillow. Peter looks at this object
     in amazement. There is an envelope pinned to the basket
     with the words, "FOR JACK" written on it. Peter picks up
     the letter -- he opens it and reads.
                             PETER
                      (to himself)
               You gotta be kidding!
     Abruptly he turns and races back to Michael's room.
                               PETER
               Michael!    Michael!
                              MICHAEL
                       (still groggy)
               What?
                             PETER
               Get your ass out here and see
               what's on the doorstep.
                      (mutters)
               This has gotta be somebody's idea
               of a joke!
     They run to the front door.
                               MICHAEL
               What is it?
                             PETER
               Look for yourself.
                             MICHAEL
               It's a basket with a baby in it.

                                     22.


               PETER
No shit.
       (reads Michael the
         letter)
'Dearest Jack, here is the fruit
of our love. Take good care of
her. I have to go to Europe and
Japan for six months, her name is
Mary. Good luck, Love, Sylvia.'
              MICHAEL
What are we going to do with it?
              PETER
Give it back to her mother, that's
what.
              MICHAEL
But it says she went to Europe.
              PETER
Well, we'll see about that, d'you
have her phone number?
              MICHAEL
Whose phone number?
              SYLVIA
The girl's... Sylvia's...
               MICHAEL
Why the hell would I have her
number? I've never even heard
of this chick!
              PETER
You mean you don't know who she
is?
              MICHAEL
No way. If I had to keep track
of all Jack's girlfriends, I'd
have to be a full-time secretary.
              PETER
Well, what are we gonna do?
              MICHAEL
Hey, look, she's waking up...
Hey, look, she's crying...
              PETER
Oh no, this can't be happening!
She's not gonna start to cry now?!
              MICHAEL

                                     23.

Uh-oh, now she's really crying!
              PETER
What's her problem?
              MICHAEL
Maybe she's hungry?
              PETER
Well, what are we s'posed to do?
              MICHAEL
Feed her, I guess...
              PETER
Yeah, but what?

              MICHAEL
Soft stuff... I guess.
              PETER
       (exploding)
Oh no, I swear to God this is
unreal! Can you believe that
bastard Jack?! 'A little package,'
he tells me on the phone, 'just
put it aside till Thursday.' Put
it aside -- can you believe him!?
               MICHAEL
Really?   Jack said that?
              PETER
Yeah and he also said 'don't tell
anyone about it -- anyone at all.'
              MICHAEL
Oh, so he told you about this?
              PETER
Yeah, he told me a package would
be coming today, but he didn't
say it'd be this!
              MICHAEL
       (very angrily)
Boy, he's got a helluva nerve!
              PETER
Just listen to the racket she's
making! What are we s'posed to
do?
              MICHAEL
       (brilliant idea)
Let's call Jack's mother!

                                                    24.

                       PETER
         She lives in Miami for Christsake.
         She can't stop the baby crying
         from Miami.
                       MICHAEL
         Well, just to ask her advice...
                       PETER
         No, he said not to tell anyone...
                       MICHAEL
         But this is an emergency!
                       PETER
         No! No way! You know what a pain
         that woman is -- she'll be on the
         next plane here to move in with
         us...
                       MICHAEL
         Maybe I should call my mother...
                       PETER
         No, please -- leave the mothers
         out of this, okay?! It's only
         four days. We should be able to
         handle that, besides you know
         the rule around here: it's fine
         to have a woman over once in a
         while, but...
Michael finishes the sentence in unison with him.
                       PETER AND MICHAEL
         ... never for more than one night
         at a time!
                       PETER
         And that includes mothers!
Peter steps over the basket and heads towards the
elevator.
                       MICHAEL
         Where are you going?!
                       PETER
         I'm going to the store to buy
         some baby food.
                       MICHAEL
         What am I supposed to do while
         you're gone?
                       PETER
         Pick her up and hold her.

                                                                       25.


                             MICHAEL
                      (panic-stricken)
               Whaddya mean, pick her up? I've
               never held a baby -- I'll drop
               her!

     Peter is already gone.

12   INT. SAFEWAY - DAY                                           12
     Peter enters the store and rushes right over to a store
     CLERK.
                             PETER
               What aisle's baby food on?
                             CLERK
               Down there by the meat section.
     Peter heads for it purposefully. When he    gets to the
     right aisle, he stops short, taken aback:    a vast range
     of products extends before him. He starts    examining the
     baby food jars and cans of formulas, going   from one to
     the next, not knowing where to begin.

13   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                         13
     Michael is still in the hall holding Mary very clumsily
     in his arms. He is anxious. He realizes she's soaked.
     This disgusts him. He holds her at arm's length; she
     squirms. He goes and gets a towel from the bathroom,
     spreads it out on the living room couch and lays the
     baby down on it. MARY SCREAMS -- she much prefers
     Michael's arms to the couch. A panicky Michael picks her
     up again, grumbling.
                             MICHAEL
               Okay, okay, don't cry like that...
               I'll hold you, I'll hold you.
     He tries rather unsuccessfully to wrap the towel around
     the child. Obviously Michael is very put off by the
     smell coming from Mary.

14   INT. SAFEWAY - DAY                                           14
     Peter is talking with a Safeway CLERK, a woman in her
     50's, who is tall and heavy, somewhat gruff and masculine
     in appearance, and wearing slacks and a smock.
                             PETER
               So what's the best brand?

                                    26.

              STORE CLERK
Depends on what your pediatrician
recommends.
              PETER
Oh right, the pediatrician...
But which one sells the most?
              STORE CLERK
       (pointing to a
        can)
This kind.
              PETER
Oh, so this is the best kind?

              STORE CLERK
It's the cheapest.
              PETER
Then it's the worst kind?
              STORE CLERK
They're all good, sir.
              PETER
       (pointing to another
        can)
Oh, okay, then I can take this
kind.
              STORE CLERK
It's got iron in it.
               PETER
Oh.   Is that good or bad?
              STORE CLERK
It's very good.
              PETER
Well, why don't they all have
iron in them?
              STORE CLERK
Some babies are allergic to iron.
              PETER
       (pointing to yet
        another can)
Oh, okay, well I'll take this
kind then.
              STORE CLERK
That kind doesn't have any milk
in it.

                                                                  27.

                             PETER
               Oh, I see, there's milk with no
               milk in it?
                             STORE CLERK
               Some babies are allergic to milk.

                             PETER
               So what's the stuff that no
               babies are allergic to?
                              STORE CLERK
               Soy formula.
                             PETER
               Oh, okay, I'll take the soy formula.

     He takes a can.
                             STORE CLERK
               That one's Advance.
                              PETER
               Oh really?   What's Advance?
                             STORE CLERK
               How old's your baby?
                             PETER
                      (Peter tries to
                       estimate Mary's
                       size)
               Uh... about this old.

15   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                    15
     MARY is SCREAMING in Michael's arms as he walks her up
     and down the whole apartment. Now there are three towels
     wrapped around her. Michael is exasperated. He angrily
     sings her a lullaby.
                             MICHAEL
               Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top...
                             MICHAEL (CONT'D)
               Stop crying now; c'mon, stop...
               quit it, will you?... When the wind
               blows, the cradle will rock...
               What is that jerk doing? Milking
               the cows or something?... When
               the bough breaks the cradle will
               fall...
     MARY only SCREAMS LOUDER.

                                                                     28.

16   INT. SAFEWAY - DAY                                         16
     Now Peter is surrounded by three women arguing: The
     Store Clerk standing with her arms crossed and haughtily
     looking down on everyone; an efficient, practical sort
     of young woman (WOMAN #1); and another thin, pale woman
     whose baby is lying in a baby carrier in her shopping
     cart and who seems very nervous (WOMAN #2).
                             WOMAN #1
               Does she have any teeth yet or
               not? That would give us a clue
               as to how old she is.
                             PETER
               I haven't looked.

                             STORE CLERK
                      (coolly disagree-
                       ing; to Woman #1)
               My grandson's only five months old
               and he already has two teeth.
               But my daughter didn't have a
               single one at seven months -- so,
               y'know, how many teeth they have...
               doesn't mean a thing.
                              WOMAN #2
               But didn't those friends of yours
               tell you what formula they usually
               give the baby?
                             PETER
                      (embarrassed)
               No, actually they had to leave
               unexpectedly. They had to catch
               a plane...
                             WOMAN #1
                      (to Peter)
               Is she teething?
                               PETER
               Teething?
                             WOMAN #1
               Does she drool? Does she cry all
               night long? Does she chew on her
               fists? Does she put everything
               into her mouth?
     She acts out her words.
                             PETER
               I know she can't talk.
                               WOMAN #2

                                     29.

But didn't those friends of
yours tell you how old she was?
              PETER
       (as Woman #2 is
        starting to get on
        his nerves)
I told you they had to leave
unexpectedly.
              WOMAN #1
Or else you could weigh her; that
would tell you how old she is.
              STORE CLERK
See, my five-month-old grandson
weighs more than my neighbor's
grandson and he's nine months old.
So, y'know, how much they weigh...
doesn't mean a thing.
              PETER
So what about me? What should I
buy?
              WOMAN #2
Didn't they even tell you the
pediatrician's name?
               PETER
        (still calm)
No.   They didn't.
              WOMAN #2
You sure have weird friends.
              PETER
You have no idea how weird.
              WOMAN #1
Or else her hair. Does she have
lots of hair?
              STORE CLERK
My grandson, y'know, he has so
much hair you can make a ponytail
with it! And I know some kids
who are totally bald at a year-
and-a-half. So, y'know, how much
hair they have... doesn't mean a
thing...
              WOMAN #1
       (sarcastic)
Gee, he's really something, your
grandson -- is he good at math
too?

                                                                    30.


     Peter starts to pick cans off the shelf.
                             PETER
               Look, ladies, thanks for all the
               advice. But I think I'll just
               take one of each. To be on the
               safe side.
                             STOCK CLERK
                      (to Peter)
               Don't forget -- if the baby's
               less than three months old, you
               have to be sure to sterilize the
               bottles.

     Peter stops and turns back.
                                PETER
               What bottles?
                                WOMAN #2
               You know what?     This must be a
               kidnapping.

17   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                      17
     Michael is rapidly    pacing up and down the apartment,
     vigorously rocking    Mary. As soon as he sits down
     anywhere to rest,    MARY SCREAMS, so Michael pops back
     up and begins the    marathon all over again.
                             MICHAEL
               Mary had a little lamb, little
               lamb, little lamb, if that jerk
               isn't back in three seconds I
               swear I'll throw her down the
               garbage chute... Mary had a
               little lamb, little lamb...
     The DOORBELL RINGS.
                             MICHAEL
               Well, it's about goddamn time!
     He hurries towards the door, grabs the knob and throws it
     open.
                             MICHAEL
               Where the hell have you been?
     He stops. Before him stands the apartment MANAGER, Mrs.
     Razzolini, a squat little woman with a moustache.
                             MICHAEL
               Oh -- Hi, Mrs. Razzolini!

                                                          31.


                        MANAGER
          This package came for you...
          Oh! What a cute little baby!
          Is it yours?

                        MICHAEL
          No, it's not me, I mean she's
          not mine...
                        MANAGER
          Oh, so it's Peter's?
                        MICHAEL
          No, no, it's Jack's, I mean it's
          not Jack's, it's... someone loaned
          it to us, I mean someone...
                        MANAGER
          And what's the little girl's name?
                        MICHAEL
          Mary.
                        MANAGER
          Ooh, what a pwetty wittle name,
          Mary! I didn't know you had a
          baby...
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, well, I have to put her to
          bed now.
                        MANAGER
          You have to put her to bed?    Where's
          Mary's mommy?
                        MICHAEL
          She's... she's not here.   She'll
          be back soon.
Michael starts to close the door.    She pushes it back
open and holds out the package.
                        MANAGER
          Oh here, this just came for you.
          They just dropped it off. Can
          I hold her for a second?
                        MICHAEL
          Well, like, y'see... she doesn't
          like to be held by strangers...
The apartment Manager has already given Michael the
package and grabbed Mary. She covers her with kisses.
Mary smiles. Michael absent-mindedly looks at the
package.

                                                                     32.


                             MANAGER
               She loves to be held by strangers!
               Hey, she's soaking wet hmm, no
               I think it's number 2. Want me
               to give you a hand changing her?

                             MICHAEL
               Oh no, don't worry, I'm used
               to it.
                      (faking a smile)
               Well, so long, Mrs. Razzolini.
                             MANAGER
               'Bye, Mary, I'll come back to
               visit.

     Mrs. Razzolini regretfully hands the baby back. No
     sooner is MARY back in Michael's arms than she SCREAMS
     her head off.
     He closes the door; his smile instantly fades.
                             MICHAEL
               What a leech! And that other
               idiot isn't back yet!
     He throws the package onto an armchair in the hall.
                             MICHAEL
               So you love to be held by
               strangers, do you?

18   INT. SAFEWAY - DAY                                         18
     In the baby food aisle there are now five women arguing.
     Peter, his arms still laden with cans, looks uncomfort-
     able.
                             WOMAN #2
               This guy doesn't even know how old
               his baby is and you don't find
               that strange?
                             WOMAN #1
               This guy asked for advice,   I'm
               giving him advice, Okay?    If you're
               so paranoid, why don't you   run
               home and chain your kid to   his
               crib?
                             WOMAN #2
               Anyway, I think someone should call
               the cops.
                             WOMAN #1

                                                                    33.

               The cops, the cops -- I bet you
               call the cops every time your
               cat pisses on the carpet.
     Peter slips away.


19   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                      19
     Peter comes in with bags in his arms.
     Michael, holding the baby, dashes toward him, extremely
     pissed off.
                             MICHAEL
               What the hell were you doing?
               You've been gone for hours! This
               damn kid's been crying the whole
               time. I've got a lot better
               things to do with my time! You're
               a real pain in the ass!
                             PETER
                      (flabbergasted)
               Hey, how dare you speak to me like
               that! You've never spoken to me
               like that before...
                             MICHAEL
               Well, what the hell took   you so
               long? What'd you do, go    out for
               breakfast or something?    I didn't
               even have time for a cup   of
               coffee, for chrissakes.
                             PETER
               Will you please cut it out for a
               second, huh? I didn't have any
               coffee either, it took me forever
               at the goddamn Safeway.
                             MICHAEL
               Okay, well, here -- take the kid,
               I've got work to do.
                             PETER
               Whaddaya mean, take the kid? I
               can't hold her and make her bottle
               at the same time. And why should
               I be the one to hold her?
                             MICHAEL
               'Cause, it's your problem.    You
               found this kid.
                             PETER
               Hey, asshole, I'm the one who found

                                                            34.

          her because I'm the one who was
          gonna get you some bagels for
          your breakfast, and...
                        MICHAEL
          Jesus, there she goes again!      We
          gotta feed her something.
                        PETER
          Yeah, well you just don't feed a
          baby. First you gotta look and
          see if she has any teeth or not.
                           MICHAEL
          Why?

                        PETER
          To figure out how old she is so
          we know what to feed her, that's
          why.
Peter attempts to look into Mary's mouth but she squirms.
                        MICHAEL
          Do you look on top or bottom?
                           PETER
          How do I know?
                        MICHAEL
          Try feeling with your finger.
Peter slides his finger over Mary's gums.
                        PETER
          I can't feel anything -- I'll
          give her the stuff for newborns
          and hope she's not allergic to
          it.
Peter starts off toward the kitchen, Michael follows.
                           PETER
          And then we'll    have to  see if
          she's allergic    to iron,  to soy
          or to milk --    you can't  imagine
          how much stuff    they can  be
          allergic to!
                        MICHAEL
          She's soaking wet -- did you buy
          any diapers?
                           PETER
          Diapers?
                           MICHAEL

                                                                      35.

                       (furious)
                Figures. I'll take care of
                this, it'll save time.
      He sticks Mary in Peter's arms, right on top of the bags,
      and storms out.


19A   INT. SAFEWAY - DAY                                         19A
      Michael rushes in and stops short in front of the moun-
      tains of diaper boxes that he starts examining in bewil-
      derment. Finally, he approaches the Store Clerk.
                              MICHAEL
                Excuse me, miss, could you tell
                me which diapers are the most
                absorbent?
                              STORE CLERK
                I would suggest the ones that say
                'ultra-absorbent.'
                              MICHAEL
                Yeah, but which are better:    20-35
                pounds or 12-24 pounds?
                              STORE CLERK
                       (suspiciously)
                Depends how much your baby weighs.
                              MICHAEL
                Oh right, how much she weighs...
                              STORE CLERK
                       (threateningly)
                You wouldn't happen to have a
                friend who came in here a little
                while ago, would you?
      Michael grabs just any box of diapers.
                              MICHAEL
                I have no idea what you're talking
                about! He's no friend of mine.
      Michael takes off very, very quickly.

20    INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                         20
      Mary, in Peter's arms, is devouring her bottle.
                              PETER
                Oh shit, my slacks! Goddamn
                her, she took a crap!

                                                                    36.


21   INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY                          21
     Peter and Michael have laid Mary down on the couch,
     taking care to place several towels between her bottom
     and the immaculate velvet. Mary is squirming, laughing,
     feeling great. They have already gone through half
     a box of cotton in their attempts to clean up the
     crap. But it's still all over, on their hands, on the
     baby's feet and legs, on the towels, etc.
                              PETER
               Hold her.   Hold her, goddamn it!
                             MICHAEL
               I can't hold her. This kid's
               out of control here!
                             PETER
               Just gimme the cotton.
     Michael lets go of Mary's feet and she sticks them back
     in the crap.
                             PETER
               Oh for chrissake, don't just let
               go of her!
                             MICHAEL
               Then get the cotton yourself
               if you don't want me to let
               go of her!
     Peter grabs a huge wad of cotton.
                             PETER
               Take the towels off -- They're
               full of shit.
                             MICHAEL
               But the couch'll get dirty!
                             PETER
               Yeah, but she keeps getting it all
               over herself. Man, this shit is
               sticky!... We need cleaning fluid
               or something to get it off...
                             MICHAEL
               How 'bout after-shave?
                             PETER
               Are you kidding?! Waste our Saint
               Laurent on babyshit?
                             MICHAEL
               Okay, let's just put the diaper

                                                                  37.

          on and the hell with it.
                           PETER
          Right.
Michael hands him a diaper.        Peter tries to figure out
how it goes on.
                        PETER
          These tape things -- do they
          go on the front or the back?
                        MICHAEL
          How am I supposed to know...?
Peter tries to slide the diaper under Mary's backside
but she squirms and kicks it off with her feet.
                        PETER
          Hold her under her arms -- I'm
          gonna try it this way.
Michael holds Mary under    her armpits.     Peter tries to put
the diaper on her. It's     hard. What's     more, it would
seem that Michael didn't    buy the right    size -- The
diaper comes all the way    up to Mary's    chin.
                        PETER
          What the hell kind of lousy
          stinking diapers did you get?
          They're way too big!
                        MICHAEL
          I don't think they're too big --
          They're ultra-absorbent. That's
          all. The more absorbent the
          better.
Peter has more or less managed to adjust the diaper.
                        PETER
          How the hell do these tape
          things work? Hold her for
          chrissakes!
                        MICHAEL
          My arms are getting tired.
                           PETER
          There.     I got it.
He tapes the diaper closed.
                           PETER
          Damn it.     I didn't make it tight
          enough.

                                                                     38.

     He tapes the other side:   the diaper gapes and sags.
                             MICHAEL
               It's not working... What about
               laying her down?

                             PETER
               Go ahead... No, not on the towels,
               they're all covered with crap...
     Michael lays Mary down right on the couch. Peter vigor-
     ously undoes the tape, and the whole PLASTIC lining RIPS
     apart.
                             PETER
               ... What the hell is this friggin'
               mess? Oh, man, this is
               unbelievable! To think, they
               bombard us day and night with
               their goddamn TV commercials! And
               will you look at this junk? This
               stuff is pure shit -- You tape it
               closed, it sags, you undo the tape:
               bingo -- the whole goddamn thing
               falls apart!
                             MICHAEL
                      (taking another diaper)
               Well, whaddya expect, if you pull
               on it like an ape, it's gonna rip!
                             PETER
               Michael, will you give me a break,
               will you please?
     Peter takes the torn diaper off. MARY utters a TINY CRY
     and pees copiously all over the velvet couch.
                             PETER
                      (exploding)
               Oh shit! Now she's pissing. Look
               at the couch. The sneaky little
               bitch was just waiting for me to
               get the diaper off, then whammo...
     Mary gives them a big smile.
                             PETER
               I happen to like my furniture.
               I'm going out to get some real
               diapers.  You can clean the couch
               up in the meantime.
     He exits, slamming the door.

22   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                     22

                                                                    39.


     Michael is cleaning the couch with Mary in his arms.

23   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY                                   23

     Mary is wearing only a diaper.   Peter wraps her in one
     of his sweaters.

24   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                        24
     Michael is throwing a heap of used cotton and dirty
     diapers into the garbage can. He's rather disgusted by
     them.


25   INT. LVING ROOM - DAY                                     25
     Peter is cutting apart a plastic bag and lining the
     bottom of the basket with it as a protective sheet.

26   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                        26
     Michael is washing out a bottle.

27   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                    27
     Peter is rocking the basket by its handles to put Mary
     to sleep.

28   INT. BATHROOM - DAY                                       28
     Michael is washing Mary's clothes.

29   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY                                   29
                             PETER
                       (on the phone)
               I need to reach Jack Collins, he's
               one of your pilots... No, I don't
               know exactly where he is, but he
               was supposed to be flying the
               Miami-Caracas-Rio route... The guy
               who proposed to you?... Oh, did
               he?... Well, congratulations.
               Please... listen to me... you
               must contact him and tell him he's
               got to call home immediately.
               Okay? It's an emergency, a
               family problem... No, don't worry,
               he's not married to someone else.
               It's another kind of family

                                                                       40.

               problem... Of course he still
               loves you. But he's been really
               busy lately. So anyway, please
               try to get in touch with him, it's
               real important... I can count on
               you then?... Good. Thanks.
               Goodbye!... Right, see you at the
               wedding.
     Peter hangs up.

30   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                           30
     Michael and Peter are finally drinking a cup of coffee
     at the kitchen table. In silence.


31   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       31
     Peter and Michael are standing beside the basket.   MARY
     is SCREAMING; they are bewildered.
                             PETER
               Maybe she's allergic to something?
                             MICHAEL
               Or maybe she's hungry again.
                              PETER
               Already?

32   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                           32
     Peter is making the bottle, Michael is holding MARY, who
     is CRYING.
                             MICHAEL
               Make it snappy, will ya, she's
               famished.

33   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                           33
     Mary is in Peter's arms voraciously sucking her bottle.
     He watches her.

34   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                           34
     Michael is washing out the bottle.

35   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       35
     Peter is about to lay Mary down in her bed.    He puts his

                                                                       41.

     hand on her backside, then picks her up again.
                             PETER
               Oh shit, she's soaking wet again.


36   INT. BATHROOM - DAY                                          36
     Michael is rinsing out Peter's sweater.

37   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       37
     On the couch, Peter is struggling with the diapers.


38   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       38
     Michael has set the basket on a serving cart.    He pushes
     it back and forth until MARY STOPS CRYING.

39   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       39
     Mary is sleeping like an angel.

40   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DUSK                                   40
     Michael and Peter are in the doorway.    A stormy argument
     is going on.
                             MICHAEL
               Oh no you're not, you're not gonna
               leave me alone with her.
                             PETER
               I told you -- I have a date.
                             MICHAEL
               You rotten bastard -- do you see
               me going out on any dates?
                             PETER
               Look, it's with Natalie -- I've
               been after her for months already.
                             MICHAEL
               So what! If you leave me alone
               with this kid, I swear I'll pack
               up and be outta here by morning.
                             PETER
               You're a real drag, y'know?
               Tonight was gonna be my big night!
               Now I bet it's gonna be Carl's big
               night.

                                                                      42.


     He exits, violently slamming the door behind him.
     Michael sits back down, grumbling.

44   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DUSK                                    44

     Peter is making a phone call.   He has Mary in his arms.
     He's in a foul mood.
                             PETER
               Hello, Natalie? It's Peter.
               Listen, I'm really screwed. Jerry
               just called and we've run into a
               snag with the blueprints for the
               competition, it's an emergency.
               I've gotta go over to the office
               right away, I think it's gonna be
               an all-nighter... Of course I
               didn't know about this yesterday --
               he just called me.
     Mary reaches out and begins to jab the buttons on the
     phone. Peter pulls her back.
                             PETER
               Hello? Hello?... No, I'm not
               trying to hang up on you. We're
               having some problems with the
               phone, that's all... No, Natalie,
               there's no one else here! You're
               the only woman I... I swear I'm
               not lying to you... What? You're
               going to call Carl?
                      (furious)
               Okay, go ahead, call him if you
               want. I don't give a shit... Of
               course I'm not jealous. What
               makes you think I'm jealous?

45   INT. KITCHEN - EVENING                                      45
     Peter and Michael are silently eating sandwiches at a
     corner of the kitchen table. Peter is fuming. Michael
     glances at him out of the corner of his eye.

46   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                                    46
     Michael, completely zonked, is changing Mary as best he
     can. Peter sits, waiting, on the couch.

47   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                                    47
     Peter is rocking the basket, as if in a trance.   Michael

                                                                      43.

     goes back to sleep on the couch.

48   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY                                     48
     Peter is talking on the phone.   He has Mary in his arms.

                              PETER
                       (on the phone)
               Jerry, hi, it's Peter. Listen,
               I've run into some problems, I
               can't make it today...
                       (holding the receiver
                        at arm's length from
                        his ear)
               ... Hey, take it easy, will you...
               I'm sick. Seriously ill. I'm
               burning up... The doctor had to
               come, I've gotta stay in bed till
               Friday.
                       (shouting to drown
                        out Jerry shouting)
               Hey, hey, hey, I'll work round the
               clock all weekend long... I swear,
               Jerry, I am not lying to you...

49   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                        49
     Peter, wearing a coat, enters carrying packages that he
     puts down in the living room, now transformed into a
     nursery. A makeshift changing table, rubber wash basin,
     baby clothes, baby lotion, talcum powder, soap and baby
     shampoo, etc. are all over the place. He drops all his
     purchases on the floor, sits down on the couch and picks
     up a book, in which he's instantly absorbed: we see from
     the cover that it's a book on children.

50   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY                                     50
     Peter is lying on his bed now surrounded by dozens of
     baby-care books. Many of which are open. He's reading
     them with great passion, and making notes.

51   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY                                   51
     Michael is sitting on the floor surrounded by his
     drawings. Mary is lying next to him.
                             MICHAEL
                      (on the phone)
               I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Oxman,
               but I've run into a few problems,
               I won't be able to bring you the
               drawings tomorrow morning as I

                                                                    44.

               promised. In fact, it won't be
               until the day after tomorrow at
               the soonest.
     Michael sees Mary kick over a bottle of india ink over
     his drawings. He winces.

                              MICHAEL
                      (into phone)
               On second thought, Mr. Oxman...
               uh, better make that the end of
               next week.
                      (shouting on the
                       other end)
               Please don't get upset, Mr. Oxman.
               I'll do everything possible to
               get them to you sooner... You have
               my word... I apologize again,
               Mr. Oxman... Thank you again,
               Mr. Oxman. Goodb...
                      (an audible
                       click)
               ... Mr. Oxman? Hello, Mr. Oxman?

52   INT. LIVING ROOM - DUSK                                   52
     The living room is a total mess. A harrassed Peter,
     lying on the floor, dreamily watches Mary who is lying
     on her tummy in a sheet, playing with a SQUEAKY RUBBER
     GIRAFFE. They look at each other, as sober as judges.

53   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                                  53
     Peter and Michael are asleep in their bathrobes on the
     living room couches.
     Peter has a child care book over his face. MARY, in her
     basket, wakes up and utters a FEW LITTLE NOISES. The
     two men jump up and go over to her basket like robots.
     Mary looks at them and smiles.

54   INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT                                      54
     Michael is giving her night feeding. Mary is falling
     asleep in his arms; the nipple falls out of her mouth,
     which goes on sucking anyway. Michael is falling asleep,
     too, his head lolling over to one side.

55   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                    55
     The living room is back to normal, spic 'n' span.
     They've gotten rid of all the baby paraphernalia.   The

                                                                 45.

     basket is on one of the couches.     Mary is asleep.
     On the basket are warm clothes for outdoors, a bonnet and
     a coat, a full bottle, cans of formula, toilet articles,
     and a pile of diapers.

     Seated on the couches facing each other, Peter and
     Michael are waiting for something.
                             MICHAEL
               He didn't say what time?
                             PETER
               All he said was Thursday.
                             MICHAEL
               Terrific! -- We could rot here
               till eight o'clock tonight.
                             PETER
               Well, I'm prepared to rot here
               till midnight if I have to, as
               long as we get rid of her.
                             MICHAEL
               Jack really could have called. He
               has to have gotten our message by
               now.
                             PETER
               Well, when he does call, I'm gonna
               let him have it! That sonofabitch
               is on the beaches of Brazil
               proposing to the whole goddamn
               world. And we're here living in
               hell! He's gonna get his ass on
               the next plane back here.
               Vacation's over, Jack-baby, you
               better believe it.
                             MICHAEL
                      (angrily)
               Damn right!
                      (beat softer)
               It's almost time for her bottle,
               you know.
                             PETER
               Oh hell!

56   EXT. STREET - DAY                                      56
     On the street two men drive by on a motorcycle looking at
     the numbers on the apartment buildings. They stop a few
     yards from the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack's
     building.

                                                                       46.


     They are being followed by the beige Chevy that pulls
     ahead of them and parks just beyond them. In this car
     we recognize Graton sitting with a partner.
     The two men, who look like young tough guys (punks), get
     off their motorcycle and disappear into the lobby of the
     building.
     Graton gets out of his car    and heads for the building.
     He glances into the lobby,    then goes in. He watches the
     elevator floor indicator,    notes the floor it stops on,
     then calmly returns to his    car.

57   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                       57

     Peter and Michael are still sitting on the living room
     couches. The DOORBELL RINGS. Michael springs up and
     runs to open the door. Peter follows him.
     On the    doorstep stand the TWO PUNKS. One of them is
     short    and speaks with a heavy Brooklyn accent. The
     other,    tall, thin and creepy-looking, stands behind his
     buddy    and doesn't speak.
                               PUNK #1
                 Jack Collins live here?
                                 MICHAEL
                 Yes, he does.
                               PUNK #1
                 We came for the package.
                               PETER
                 Package? Oh that's cute,
                 referring to her as a package!
                 Anyway, you can tell Sylvia she's
                 a lousy stinking bitch.
                                 PUNK #1
                 Sylvia?
                               PETER
                 Yeah, Sylvia! You can tell her
                 she's got a hell of a nerve
                 dumping her problems into our
                 laps!
                               PUNK #1
                        (nervously)
                 Problems? Did you guys have
                 trouble?
                               MICHAEL
                        (sarcastically)

                                                        47.

          He wants to know if we had trouble!
                        PETER
          Do you have any idea what it's
          been like around here for the
          past four days?

                        MICHAEL
          She could have at least given us
          a phone number or the name of
          someone to contact...
                        PUNK #1
                 (surprised)
          I don't get it. Didn't they tell
          you we were gonna be here today?

                        MICHAEL
          Sure they told us! So what?
          That doesn't make the last four
          days any less hellish than they
          were!
                        PETER
          Well, anyway, they're here now,
          that's all that matters!
Peter turns and walks toward the basket.
                        PETER
          The next bottle's in 45 minutes.
          I made it already. It's in the
          basket.
                         PUNK #1
          Bottle?   Whadda ya mean, bottle?
                        MICHAEL
          About an hour after her bottle,
          she starts yawning. Put her to
          bed right away or it's pure hell
          for the next three hours, at least
          that's what we've noticed.
Peter has returned with the basket. The Punks look at
the baby, their eyes wide with disbelief.
                        PUNK #1
          What the hell is that?   A baby?
                        PETER
                 (sarcastic)
          No, it's a very short teenager.
          Of course it's a baby! Now listen
          carefully: I'm giving you a can
          of the milk she's been getting.
          She loves it, and more importantly,

                                                          48.

          she's not allergic to it. I even
          put a can of the same brand in
          here for you, but in powdered form,
          understand?
Punk #1 hears "powder" and catches on.

                           PUNK #1
          Oh! I get it!      Powdered milk!
          Very clever!
                        PETER
          Yeah, right... real clever...
          Okay, here. She's all yours.
          Good luck.

He hands them the basket.    Punk #1 grabs the handles.
                        PUNK #1
          Okay, I got it. You can take her
          out now.
                           PETER
          Take what out?     I'm not taking
          anything out.
                        PUNK #1
          Wait a minute, I don't get it!
          We take the basket and the milk,
          that's all. We ain't gonna take
          the... what's inside.
                        PETER
          Whadda ya mean, what's inside?
                        MICHAEL
          You take it all, man!    It's a
          package deal!
                        PUNK #1
          But what are we s'posed to do
          with it?
                        MICHAEL
          How do I know? You take it
          where they told you to take it.
                        PUNK #1
          Y'mean, I take it to the
          connection?
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, whatever you want to call
          it.
                        PUNK #1
          Are you sure that's the plan?

                                                              49.


                        MICHAEL
          You bet that's the plan! We're
          not keeping her one more second.
                        PUNK #1
          Okay, if that's the plan...
He passes the basket to Punk #2
                        PUNK #1
          ... Here, hold this. Okay, so
          long!
They start to leave, pressing the elevator button.

                        PETER
                 (suddenly a little
                  worried)
          Uh... listen... maybe you could
          leave us the address or the phone
          number just in case. So we can
          find out how she's doing?
The Punks exchange a puzzled glance.
                        PUNK #1
          Oh, yeah, sure, the address.
                 (feebly searching
                  his pockets)
          Oh shit, I don't have it on me...
          But I'll call you. Okay, so long!
                           PETER & MICHAEL
          So long!
The elevator has arrived.    The Punks quickly slip inside
it with the basket.
Michael closes the door.
Peter plops down in the armchair by the front door.
                        PETER
          Aah, relief at last!    Good riddance!
                        MICHAEL
          You said it! Now maybe I can get
          some work done.
He disappears in the direction of his room.
Peter is sitting    on something hard. He pulls it out from
under him, it's    a package. He looks at it, casually
reading: "Care     of Jack Collins." He tosses it to the
side. Suddenly,     it dawns on him. He leaps up, grabs
the package and    runs into Michael's room.

                                                                  50.



58   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY                               58
                             PETER
                      (holding the package)
               What the hell is this?
                             MICHAEL
               Well, a package, I guess.
                             PETER
               Was this package delivered to
               you?
                             MICHAEL
               Yeah, why?
     Peter raises his voice, exasperated by Michael's calm
     attitude.
                             PETER
               When the hell did this package
               arrive?
                             MICHAEL
               Will you quit shouting!
                             PETER
                      (screaming even
                       louder)
               When did this fucking package
               fucking arrive, Michael?
                             MICHAEL
               I don't know... Oh yeah, Sunday --
               Mrs. Razzolini brought it up...
                             PETER
               Holy shit!
                             MICHAEL
               What's the matter?
                             PETER
               This is the package those guys
               came for, not the baby, you
               asshole.
                             MICHAEL
               Hey, asshole yourself!... Oh shit!
     Peter nods and begins to bark orders.
                             PETER
               Look out the window and see if
               you see them, I'm gonna try to

                                                                      51.

               catch up with them...
     Michael runs to the window.
     Peter runs like a madman through the apartment out the
     front door. He presses the button for the elevator.
     It's in use.
                              PETER
               Goddamit!
     He opens the door leading to the stairs and races down
     them, holding on to the bannister. He flies, overwhelmed
     by anxiety. Suddenly he trips, loses his balance and
     makes a spectacular crash landing. The package gets a
     bit crushed, and little individual packets of white powder
     spill out of it. Peter stares at them in horror.
                             PETER
               What the hell is this?
     He picks up a few packets and examines them.
                             PETER
               Oh, God, no... dope!    That's all
               we need!
     He starts to tremble  with fear. He picks the packets up
     as fast as he can and  hastily puts them back into what's
     left of the package;  then shoves it all into his pocket
     and continues racing  down the stairs.

59   EXT. STREET - DAY                                           59
     Punk #1 is attempting to strap the basket onto the
     motorcycle with a bungie cord. Punk #2 watches him
     coolly.
                             PUNK #2
               We'd be better off taking the
               subway.
                             PUNK #1
               You want to ride the subway with
               a hundred grand in uncut dope,
               go ahead.
                             PUNK #2
               Well we can't ride around
               carrying this baby basket.    We'll
               get stopped by the cops.
                             PUNK #1
               So go ahead, take the subway and
               stop bothering me. I'm going to
               hook this onto the back seat.

                                                         52.


                        PUNK #2
          It'll never hold, man.
                        PUNK #1
                 (desperately going
                  at the hook and
                  the basket)
          Goddamn hook! Christ, what a
          stupid idea hiding the shit with
          this kid. It's ridiculous!
Peter comes rushing out of the building.
                        PETER
                 (huffing and puffing)
          Oh, thank God, you're still here!
          There's been a terrible mistake.
          That wasn't the package you
          were s'posed to take. It was
          another one. I have it right
          here.
                        PUNK #1
          What do you mean? What other
          package?
                        PETER
          I'll take the basket back and
          give you the other package, here.
          No mistake.
Peter takes the package from his pocket and is about
to grab the basket. Punk #1 pushes him back violently.
                        PUNK #1
          You ain't takin' nothin' back,
          man.
                        PETER
          But I'm tellin you it was a
          mistake...
                        PUNK #1
                 (in a low but very
                  aggressive tone)
          You tryin' to double-cross us or
          something? Beat it before I get
          pissed, man.
                        PETER
                 (panic-stricken,
                  in an equally
                  low tone)
          But I'm telling you, I've got
          your package right here. There's
          been a mistake...

                                                            53.


                        PUNK #1
          A mistake my ass! Now get outa
          here, man, or I'm gonna stick
          this right in your gut.

He discreetly reveals a switchblade knife he's carrying.
                        PUNK #1
                 (to Punk #2)
          Start the bike.
Punk #2 is about to get on the motorcycle.   Peter stops
him.
                        PETER
          But I'm telling you, I've got
          the real package in my pocket.
                        PUNK #2
                 (to Punk #1)
          Watch it, the cops!
Peter quickly puts back the package in his pocket. A
patrol car comes up next to them, right beside the car
in which Graton is sitting, taking in every bit of the
action.
                        GRATON
                 (to his partner)
          Terrific! I bet these morons
          screw up everything.
One of the COPS gets out of his car and comes over to the
Punks and Peter. Peter is scared stiff.
                        PUNK #1
                 (whispering)
          If you called the cops on us,
          pal, you're a dead man.
                        COP #1
          All right, what's that doing on
          the back of the bike?
No one answers.
                        COP #1
          You wouldn't by any chance be
          intending to drive with a baby
          basket on your motorcycle, would
          you?
                        PUNK #1
          Of course not, Officer. We'd
          never do something like that.

                                                          54.

                        COP #1
          So why did you strap it on in
          the first place if you had no
          intention of driving with it?
                        PUNK #2
          So it wouldn't fall off.
                        COP #1
          Very funny.
As he speaks, Peter undoes the bungie cord from around
the basket and takes it off the motorcycle.
                        PETER
          No, really, Officer, they weren't
          gonna drive off with it -- They
          were just watching it for me while
          I was doing a quick errand.
                 (to the Punks)
          Thanks, guys.
Punk #1 gives him a dirty look.
                        COP #1
          All right, let's see some
          identification, everybody.
The punks exchange a glance.   Suddenly Punk #1 shouts:
                        PUNK #1
          Go!
They take off running in different directions. Cop #1
charges after Punk #1 and yells to his partner who's
still in the car:
                        COP #1
          Watch the guy with the basket!
Cop #2 leaps out of the car, gun in hand.
Peter stiffens with fear.
                        COP #2
          Freeze! All right, asshole, let's
          see some I.D.
                        PETER
                 (urbanely)
          Listen, Officer, let's stay calm
          now. I haven't the slightest
          intention of running. I am not
          a criminal. I'm an architect.
                        COP #2
                 (calming down

                                                           55.

                  a little)
          Your I.D., let's see it.
                        PETER
          I'm terribly sorry, Officer, but
          I don't have any identification
          on me. I just came down with my
          baby to run a quick errand. I
          haven't committed any crime.
                        COP #2
          All right, let's go, in the car.
          I'm taking you down to the
          station.
                        PETER
          Oh, c'mon, that's impossible --
          you see I have a baby. I have
          to give her a bottle in fifteen
          minutes, I can't go anywhere.
          I live right in this building --
          let me go up to my apartment
          and I'll get you my license
          immediately... You can even
          come with me if you like...
                        COP #2
          All right, lead the way.
They disappear inside the building. Peter is carrying
the basket in his left hand; his right hand is clenched
on the horrible package hidden in his pocket.
Just then Cop #1 comes running back, empty-handed.
Graton gets out of his car and comes up to Cop #1, show-
ing him his badge.
                         GRATON
                 (angry)
          Inspector Graton, Narcotics. It
          just so happens I was tailing
          those two guys and now because
          of you clowns I lost them,
          probably forever. Thanks a lot!
                        COP #1
          How could we know?
                        GRATON
          Forget it. Listen, your partner
          went in here with the guy and the
          baby. He lives up on the tenth
          floor. I can't go in because if
          he sees me, my cover is blown. So
          could you please try not to lose
          this one, okay? He's someone who's

                                                                    56.

               gotta be watched very closely.
               I've called for backup and it's on
               its way.

60   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                      60

     The elevator doors open, Peter and Cop #2 exit.
                             PETER
                      (key in hand)
               This is it. Please come in...
               can I get you a cup of coffee or
               something?
                              COP #2
               No thanks.   I'll just wait out
               here.
     Peter enters the apartment and calmly crosses through
     the house, carrying the basket.
     As soon as he's out of the cop's sight, he starts running
     like a madman down the corridor. He runs into Michael
     who was just coming to meet him.
                             MICHAEL
               Hey, what's happening? What
               were those cops doing...
     Peter shuts him up, grabs him roughly under the arm and
     leads him into his room, closing the door behind them.
     Peter speaks softly but he's totally freaking out, he
     can hardly breathe.
                              PETER
               Michael... Michael... we're in
               deep trouble. The package...
               The package...
                               MICHAEL
               Yeah?   What?
                             PETER
               There's a cop on the doorstep...
               He didn't see you... He mustn't
               see you... We're in deep
               trouble, Michael...
                             MICHAEL
               Tell me what...
                              PETER
               The package  they came for wasn't
               the baby, it  was dope, drugs, a
               shitload of  dope! We were stopped
               by some cops  down on the street.

                                                             57.


                       MICHAEL
         But did the cops see the dope?
                       PETER
         No, it's right here.

He takes out the package.
                        MICHAEL
         Shit!
                       PETER
         We'll get twenty years if the
         cops find this on us! Climb down
         the fire escape and hide it...
         anywhere!
Michael takes the package, opens the window and starts to
climb out it when Peter stops him.
                       PETER
         Hey, whatever you do,   don't lose
         the goddamn dope, we   gotta be
         able to return it to   those dealers
         or we're dead. Those    guys are
         serious.
                        MICHAEL
         Don't worry.
He starts down the fire escape, then stops and turns back.
                       MICHAEL
         Oh, by the way, I put some water
         up to boil for her bottle.
Michael disappears. Peter picks up Mary, grabs his  wal-
let and leaves the room. When he gets to the hall,  he
discovers that Cop #1 has joined Cop #2, to whom he is
whispering something. Peter holds his license out  for
them to see.
                       PETER
         Here's my license.
                       COP #1
         I'm afraid I'm going to have to
         ask you to remain in the apartment.
         The narcotics squad will be
         arriving any moment now. They
         want to ask you a few questions.
                       PETER
         Narcotics squad? What do they
         want with me? I don't even use
         aspirin!

                                                                     58.



61   INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY                                     61
     Michael is buying a pair of scissors, glue and a roll of
     Scotch tape. Then he buys a box of large diapers -- he
     chooses the ones that come in a box. Michael leaves the
     supermarket, whistling.

62   EXT. PARK - DAY                                            62
     Michael is sitting on a bench facing the grass, with
     his back to us, he seems quite busy.
     As we CLOSE IN, we discover that he has opened the box of
     diapers and that he's holding one of them; its plastic
     has been carefully cut out with scissors.
     Casually, glancing right and left, he takes the individ-
     ual packets of white powder out of his pocket and shoves
     them into a little plastic bag from the supermarket.
     Then he carefully tapes the bag so it's well-sealed and
     flattened out, and he inserts it into the diaper, be-
     tween the plastic and the absorbent fabric.
     Next, the diaper is taped up, folded back up and put
     back in the box, neatly packed between the other ones.
     Michael closes the box again and glues it together so
     it looks as if it's never been opened. He throws all
     the other stuff away in a trash can and grabs hold of
     his brand-new box of diapers. He walks away.

63   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                       63
     Michael comes into the living room with his box of
     diapers and a bag of groceries.
     In addition to the two cops there are now THREE NARCOTIC
     AGENTS who are interrogating Peter. He is holding Mary.
     The basket is on an armchair.
                             MICHAEL
               Hello, Officers... What's going
               on?
                             PETER
               Don't worry, Michael, it's
               nothing serious, just a little
               misunderstanding.
                             MICHAEL
               Did you give her the 5:30 bottle?
                             PETER
               Yeah, I just gave it to her.

                                                                    59.


                             MICHAEL
               Did you change her?
                             PETER
               No, she's soaking wet.

                             MICHAEL
               Okay, I'll do it.
     Michael puts down his bag of groceries, takes Mary from
     Peter and disappears with the box of diapers.
     In his room, he lays Mary down on his bed and starts
     undressing her.


64   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                    64
                               AGENT #1
               And who's he?
                             PETER
               He's my roommate.
                             AGENT #1
                      (raising an eyebrow)
               Oh, I see, I see...
                             PETER
               No, you don't see. There are
               three of us sharing this place.
                             AGENT #1
               Oh, three, huh? A regular 'mirage
               a trois'!
                             PETER
               It's 'menage'... and it's not.
               We all have lots of girlfriends,
               thank you.
                             AGENT #1
               Uh-huh, so what's your friend do?
                             PETER
               He's a cartoonist.
                             AGENT #1
               What about the other guy?
                               PETER
               He's a pilot.
                             AGENT #1
               Ah-hah... Now that's interesting...
                      (to his colleague)

                                                          60.

          ... Get me those photographs,
          the ones taken at Newark Airport.
Agent #1 looks in his attache case.
                        AGENT #1
          So does this friend of yours ever
          fly to South America?
                          PETER
          No.   Never.   Only North America.
The PHONE RINGS.
                        AGENT #1
          Would you object if I answered it
          for you?
                        PETER
          Not at all, go right ahead.    I've
          got nothing to hide.
Agent #1 picks up the phone and listens.
                        AGENT    #1
          It's a collect call    from a Jack
          Collins in La Paz,    Bolivia. That
          wouldn't happen to    be your pilot
          friend, would it?     The one who
          never goes to South    America?
                        PETER
          Yes, it is him.
Agent #1 hands him the phone.
                        PETER
          Hello, yes, operator, I accept the
          charges.
Agent #1 gestures to Agent #3 to take a look around the
apartment. Agent #3 slips away.
                        AGENT #1
          Would you mind very much if I
          listened?
                        PETER
          Please, go right ahead.
Agent #1 picks up the other telephone.
                        PETER
          Hello, Jack? Fine, yeah. How're
          you? Yeah, he's fine, too.
          Yeah, we left a message for you,
          right... No, it was nothing

                                                                     61.

               special, it was just, I mean...
               to see how you were doing and all
               ... No, no emergency. Everything's
               fine.
                             PETER (CONT'D)
                      (loud)
               I said everything's fine! The
               what?... I don't know what you're
               talking about... Oh yeah, the
               package! Yeah, yeah, it got here
               ... and was picked up, uh-huh.
               Hey! Why didn't you call sooner?
               Huh? 'Cause what?... Oh, you're
               onto something hot -- well, aren't
               you the lucky one!... So when are
               you getting married?... Forget it,
               I was just kidding... Well,
               everything's fine up here. So
               have a good time. See you in a
               couple of weeks. 'Bye.
     Peter hangs up.   So does Agent #1.
                             AGENT #1
               Now that's interesting. So you
               wanna tell me about this package
               and the hot something-or-other
               your friend lucked onto... in
               La Paz... Bolivia... South America?
     Peter sits down, stunned.

65   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY                                  65
     Mary is lying on Michael's bed. He has just finished
     putting a regular diaper on her.
     Then Michael looks for the tampered-with diaper in the
     box. He finds it, checks that it is well-sealed, and
     places it under Mary's bottom.
     Just then Agent #3 appears in the doorway. Michael
     calmly finishes putting the dope-filled diaper on the
     baby on top of the other one. MARY is COOING. Every-
     thing appears normal. However, a trained eye might be
     very surprised by the enormous thickness of the diaper
     covering the young lady's backside. But a narcotics
     agent is not necessarily the most qualified person to
     notice something odd like this.
     Agent #3 silently observes Michael, who gives him a big
     smile as he slips on Mary's pajama bottoms. Michael
     picks Mary up and for the first time talks to her in the
     kind of silly babytalk used by adoring parents.

                                                            62.

                        MICHAEL
          Okey-dokey, honeybunch, it's time
          to go beddy-bye now... We're gonna
          take a nice long nappy-wappy...
He goes back to the living room, followed by Agent #3.

Agent #1 is in the process of showing Peter a photograph.
                        AGENT #1
          Do you recognize anyone in this
          picture?
Peter looks: it's the photo of Jack and Paul that was
taken at the beginning of the movie.

                         PETER
                  (pointing)
          Sure.   This is Jack Collins.
                         AGENT #1
          Oh yeah?   Now that's interesting.
Michael has laid Mary down for a nap in her basket,
observed by the five cops. He now sits down, cheerful
and bubbling over with enthusiasm.
                       MICHAEL
          So! Can I get you something to
          drink?
Agent #1 totally ignores him.
                        AGENT #1
          So, who's the baby belong to?
                        PETER
          It's Jack's daughter.
                        AGENT #1
          And why are you two taking care of
          her?
                        PETER
          Because her mother's in Europe
          for six months, and since Jack had
          to be away for two weeks, I took
          my vacation to take care of her,
          I love kids.
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, Peter and I just love kids!
                        AGENT #1
          Now that's interesting. Well,
          we'll be seeing each other again
          soon, in fact very soon. In the

                                                           63.

          meantime, I'd appreciate it if you
          didn't leave New York in the next
          few days.
All the cops head for the door. Michael accompanies
them, putting on a very urbane act.

                        MICHAEL
          Come back anytime, gentlemen.
          You're always welcome here. We
          have no particular plans to leave
          New York in the near future, so
          don't worry about us now. 'Bye now.
Once the cops are gone, Michael races back to the living
room. Peter has collapsed into his armchair.

                        PETER
                 (in a low tone)
          Christ, what a mess! They'll be on
          our tails around the clock! How
          the hell are we gonna get rid of
          the goddamn dope?! By the way,
          where is it?
                         MICHAEL
                 (also speaking in
                   a low tone)
          It's cool, don't worry, I got it
          stashed.
                        PETER
          Where?
Michael points to Mary's bottom.
                        PETER
          Huh?
                        MICHAEL
          This way it's close at hand!
                        PETER
          Are you out of your mind??
                        MICHAEL
          Relax, will you.
                        MICHAEL (CONT'D)
          I diapered the dope on her right
          in front of the cop and he never
          noticed a thing!
                        PETER
          I told the cops we were taking
          care of her. You realize we're
          now stuck with the kid till Jack

                                                                      64.

               comes back. There ain't nobody
               coming to pick her up, and I have
               to go back to the office today!
                             MICHAEL
               Wait a minute. You're not gonna
               stick me with this kid! Tell
               them you need a maternity leave,
               tell them anything, but we've got
               to go 50-50 on this!
                             PETER
               And that's not all -- we haven't
               heard from the punks yet either!


66   EXT. STREET - DAY                                     66
     Hidden within a parked car, three men are keeping a close
     watch on the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack's build-
     ing. The two uniformed cops emerge, get in their car,
     and pull away.

67   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                        67
                             PETER
                      (on the phone; things
                       are heating up)
               That's right, you heard right:
               I'm not coming in to work for two
               weeks... No, I can't explain why...
                      (in a louder tone)
               ... Because I can't, that's all!...
               NO, this has nothing to do with
               chasing ass! Jerry... Jerry!
               Will you stop screaming for a
               minute and listen? I'm in trouble,
               you understand? Deep trouble... I
               know... I know...
                              PETER (CONT'D)
                      (yells)
               ... Goddammit, Jerry, of course
               winning the competition is
               important to me! The firm's my
               whole life if you must know. No,
               no, please -- don't send anyone
               over here... Don't you come either.
               No, Jerry... Okay, listen, I'll be
               there in a half-hour, but I can't
               stay long. No! Don't come here!
               I'll be right over.
     He hangs up.   Michael enters the room, with his coat on.
                              MICHAEL

                                                                65.

              I gotta go over to    Mr. Oxman's --
              he just called and    he's freaking
              out. He says if I     don't bring
              some cartoons over    now, the deal's
              off.

                            PETER
              You're going now?
                            MICHAEL
              Yeah, but don't worry about it,
              I'll be back before it's time
              for her next bottle. She's asleep
              now.
                            PETER
              Terrific, just terrific! Jerry
              just called: I have to go to the
              office right now.
                            MICHAEL
              Well, call him back. Tell him
              you'll come later.
                            PETER
              There's no way. I can't, he's
              suicidal. Why don't you call Oxman
              and tell him you'll be there in a
              few hours.
                            MICHAEL
              You're crazy. Oxman is leaving in
              an hour. If I don't meet him
              before then, I blow my 15,000
              dollar contract.
                            PETER
              Oh shit, I can't take this
              anymore!
                            MICHAEL
              Look, maybe we could pawn her off
              on Mrs. Razzolini, just for a
              couple of hours -- she's crazy
              about her!
                              PETER
              Good idea!    Let's go.

68   INT. BUILDING - DUSK                                  68
     Peter and Michael get out of the elevator on Mrs.
     Razzolini's floor. They each are holding one of the
     handles on the basket. They are walking quickly.
     Suddenly Michael stops Peter.

                                                            66.

                        MICHAEL
          Wait -- I hear someone... I'll go
          see...
Peter waits with the basket.   Michael tiptoes to the
corner of the corridor.

At the very end of the corridor, on Mrs. Razzolini's
doorstep, he sees the three narcotics Agents talking with
Mrs. Razzolini. We can hear snippets of their
conversation.
                        RAZZOLINI
          Yes, I brought a package up to
          them... I think it was last
          Sunday...

                        AGENT #1
          What are these people like? What
          kind of lifestyle do they have?
Michael hastily returns to Peter, still on tiptoes. He
leads him back to the elevator and pushes the elevator
button.
                        MICHAEL
                 (whispering)
          Just as I thought -- the goddamn
          cops are grilling Mrs. Razzolini.
                        PETER
          Oh shit! We sure as hell can't
          hand her the baby with an ass full
          of dope... right in front of the
          narcs!
The elevator has arrived meanwhile.
                        PETER
                 (breaking down)
          What should we do? I really gotta
          go...
                        MICHAEL
          Listen, she's just had her bottle.
          She's sleeping like a log. Let's
          just leave her in the apartment.
          What can possibly happen to her?
          She's as regular as clockwork.
          She won't wake up till 8:30 and
          we'll easily be back by then...
                        PETER
          Yeah, you're right, we won't be
          long.
They rush into the elevator.

                                                                      67.



69   EXT. STREET - DUSK                                          69
     The three men, slumped in their car, are watching the
     door of the apartment building.

     The three narcotics Agents emerge from the building and
     walk away. A short time goes by. Peter and Michael
     emerge from the building and quickly walk away. The three
     men get out of their car, cross the street and enter the
     building.

70   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                      70

     Peter comes out of the elevator, key in hand. He's about
     to put it in the lock on the door, but stops short -- the
     door is already open.
                              PETER
               Michael?   Michael, are you here?
     No answer.
     Peter pushes the door open. The sight that greets his
     eyes is very dismaying. It looks like a tornado has hit
     the house. Everything's on the floor, it's all been
     smashed, it's all been ripped apart. Gone is the beauti-
     ful apartment that had been so lovingly decorated. In
     its place, utter devastation and shambles.
     Peter stands there speechless for a moment, then an awful
     thought crosses his mind. He runs like crazy into his
     room -- the basket's not there. Stepping over the debris
     and all the things strewn over the floor, he rushes into
     the living room, then into Michael's room. The basket's
     nowhere to be seen.
     Peter falls apart; without even realizing it, he's moan-
     ing and muttering distractedly. He runs into Jack's
     room, into the kitchen, into the bathroom. The basket is
     nowhere to be seen. Peter runs all over, back and forth
     ten times in all the rooms. Tears are flowing from his
     eyes.
     Suddenly, he hears FAINT CRIES.   They're coming from the
     back bathroom. Peter rushes to   it, practically ripping
     the door from its hinges. There   on the toilet is the
     basket, and on it there's a note  written in big messy
     printing which says: "NEXT TIME   WE TAKE HER."
     Mary looks at Peter and smiles; she seems in great shape.
     A distraught Peter picks her up, hugs her tightly and
     kisses her all over as he takes her into his room.
     Just then, Michael appears in the corridor, silent and

                                                                      68.

     overwhelmed. He comes to the door to Peter's    room and
     looks at him. Peter, mortified to have been    caught
     kissing Mary, hastily distances himself from   her, hold-
     ing her at arm's length. He puts her down on    his bed
     and exits the room.


71   INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT                                        71
     The debris has been shoved up against the walls. Peter
     and Michael, in their pajamas and dead tired, are slumped
     over the table. Peter is giving Mary her bottle.
     Michael is looking at Mary as though he were seeing her
     for the first time.


72   INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT                                   72
     Peter is in bed, completely out of it.
     Michael is changing Mary very carefully. He puts one
     diaper on her, then the second one, full of dope. He
     lays Mary down in her basket, then places the basket on
     the bed, nestled between the wall and Peter's body.
     Michael, holding the soiled diaper, silently goes out.
     Once he's alone, Peter leans over the basket. Mary and
     he stare at each other intently and seriously. Peter
     switches off the light.

73   INT. APARTMENT - DAWN                                       73
     The DOORBELL RINGS.
     Michael, asleep on his mattress on the    floor in the
     middle of his wrecked bedroom, emerges    from sleep and
     glances at his clock: it's 6:10 AM.      He staggers to the
     front door and opens it. The door is     being held together
     with a string.
     Agents #1, #2, and #3 are at the door, with four other
     cops backing them up.
     Mrs. Razzolini is standing behind them and staring, wide-
     eyed, a look of horror on her face.
                             MICHAEL
               Morning, officers. Can I help
               you?
                             AGENT #1
                      (holding out a piece
                       of paper to him)
               Search warrant.
                             MICHAEL

                                                                69.

                      (playing  the gentleman,
                       waving  away the paper)
               I believe you,  officer. Go ahead,
               we have nothing  to hide. Hello,
               Mrs. Razzolini!

     Mrs. Razzolini turns her back on him and hurries away.
     The cops enter the apartment.
                             MICHAEL
               You'll have to excuse the mess...
               We had a few friends over last night...
                             AGENT #1
                      (looking at the
                       devastation)
               Oh, really? Well, if I were you
               I'd get myself some new friends!
     Peter comes in, in his bathrobe, furious.
                             PETER
               What the hell are you guys looking
               for, anyway?
                             AGENT #1
               Probably the same things your
               friends were looking for last
               night! Didn't Mrs. Razzolini
               bring you a package last Sunday?
                             PETER
               You mean the chocolate Easter
               bunnies? We ate them already.
     He starts to walk away.
                             PETER
               Anyway, you have no idea how many
               packages we've been getting lately.
               It's hard to keep track of them.
                             AGENT #1
               Maybe we can help.
                      (to his colleagues)
               Let's get to work!
     All the cops enter the apartment.

74   INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY                             74
     Peter is in bed, with the basket beside him. A narcotics
     AGENT is rummaging through his scattered belongings.
                             AGENT
               Would you mind if I look in your

                                                                     70.

               bed?
                             PETER
                      (big smile)
               My pleasure. Try not to make a
               mess.

     Peter gets up, takes the basket off the bed and keeps it
     in his hands. The Agent searches the bed.
                             AGENT
               I'll look in the basket, if you
               don't mind...
                              PETER
               Be my guest.

     He picks up Mary with her huge diaper.   The Agent
     searches the whole basket.
                             AGENT
               Thank you very much, sorry about
               this...
     He goes out.   Peter, undaunted, pats Mary's big behind.

75   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                       75
     The cops are leaving.
                             AGENT #1
               Well, there's obviously been a
               mistake. As far as you're
               concerned this investigation is
               closed. We apologize again.
                              MICHAEL
                      (big smile)
               Oh, don't mention it! It was a
               pleasure having you here! I hope
               you'll find what you're looking
               for very soon!
                             AGENT #1
                      (looking straight
                       at him)
               So do we.
     Michael closes the door and races into the living room
     where he discovers Peter putting on his jacket.
                             MICHAEL
                      (softly)
               Did you hear that? He said
               there'd been a mistake and they
               weren't going to bother us anymore.

                                                                        71.


                             PETER
               Bullshit, it's a trick.
                               MICHAEL
               You think so?    Really?

                             PETER
               They just said that to put us off
               guard. They saw the condition
               this apartment's in.
                             PETER (CONT'D)
               They know the punks were here
               looking for the dope and that they
               probably didn't find it. So that
               means we've still got it.
                             MICHAEL
               But he said the investigation was
               closed.
                             PETER
               Okay, let's just see how closed
               it is. I'll go downstairs. You
               watch out the window and see if
               I'm being tailed.

76   EXT. STREET - DAY                                             76
     Michael is peeking out at the street from the window
     above. Peter comes out of the building and turns left,
     walking very quickly.
     Suddenly, Peter stops, turns     around and retraces his
     steps. We can clearly see a      man, who was walking about
     six yards behind Peter on the     opposite side of the
     street, also turn around and     retrace his steps.
     It is Graton.

77   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                          77
                              PETER
                       (entering)
               So?   Was I right?
                             MICHAEL
               There's one guy for sure! A
               redhead, kind of young, disguised
               sort of like a college student.
                             PETER
               I knew it. They're going to be
               watching us around the clock.

                                                                     72.

               How are we going to get the dope
               back to the punks?
                             MICHAEL
               I have the feeling they'll come
               to us.

                             PETER
               We'll have to be very careful.

78   EXT. STREET - NIGHTFALL                                    78
     Michael is walking on the street carrying two bags of
     groceries. Suddenly, a guy walks up to him and elbows
     him sharply.

                             PUNK
               Hi! Doin' a little shopping, huh?
               How's your place -- not too much
               damage, I hope.
                             MICHAEL
               What do you guys want?
                             PUNK
               We want the dope. Tomorrow.
                             MICHAEL
               And we want to give it to you.
               But the cops are tailing us
               nonstop. Matter of fact, there's
               one right behind us now...
                             PUNK
               That's your problem, man. Figure
               out a way to shake 'em. Either we
               safely get the dope tomorrow, or
               you, your friend and the kid'll
               get this.
                      (he quickly stabs
                       the grocery bags
                       three times)
               We'll call you tonight.
     He runs off, disappearing into the darkness. From the
     slit-open grocery bag milk flows out onto the sidewalk.
     Michael is shaking all over. Standing about twenty yards
     away, Graton hasn't missed a thing.

79   INT. COP CAR - NIGHT                                       79
     Not far from Peter, Michael and Jack's building, Graton,
     in his car, is talking into the microphone of his police
     radio.

                                                                      73.

                             GRATON
               ... My snitch told me the gang
               hasn't gotten the dope back yet,
               but they will soon. They made
               contact with the two guys tonight
               ... No, no, they don't know I'm
               tailing them. These jerks are
               going to fall right into my
               hands...

80   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                      80
     Peter and Michael are seated in the living room, which is
     still an utter wreck. They can't take their eyes off the
     phone that's between the two of them.

     They are sitting silently, not moving.
     Mary is playing in her basket.
     The PHONE RINGS.   Peter and Michael both jump three feet
     in the air.
     Michael picks up the phone.
                             MICHAEL
               Hello? Who? Goddamn it, where
               are you?...
                      (to Peter)
               ... It's Jack. He just landed in
               Newark. He came back early.
                             PETER
               Gimme that.
                      (he grabs the receiver
                       out of Michael's
                       hand)
               Jack? What the hell are you
               doing?
                      (listens to a long
                       explanation)
               Yeah... yeah... oh yeah? Well,
               listen very carefully, Jack.
               That wonderful, fantastic babe
               you brought back from Bolivia?
               The one you're gonna marry
               tomorrow? Well, you're not going
               to bring her here!... You are
               going to say 'goodbye' to her very
               nicely and put her in a cab back
               to Bolivia... Why? Because there's
               another wonderful, fantastic babe
               waiting for you right here at home
               ... Who is she? Oh, that's a
               surprise! You'll see when you
               get here. But believe me, she's

                                                                    74.

                out of this world. You're going
                to be up all night with this babe.
                She's crazy about you.
                              MICHAEL
                       (in a low tone)
                Make it quick, the punks may be
                trying to call...
                              PETER
                So hurry home, Jack, this little
                doll can't wait to see you. 'Bye.
      He hangs up.
                              PETER
                       (in a furious temper)
                That goddamn mother fuckin' jerk
                of an asshole! I swear when he
                comes through the door I'll kill
                him!  I'll...
      The PHONE interrupts.   Michael leaps up and answers it.
                              MICHAEL
                Hello? Listen, tomorrow, Central
                Park at the fountain near the
                merry-go-round, five o'clock. Be
                there, but...
      They've hung up on the other end.   Michael hangs up
      and sits down, drained.
                              MICHAEL
                ... That was it.
                              PETER
                       (equally drained)
                All we can do now is hope our
                plan works.
                              MICHAEL
                You think the cops have our phone
                bugged?
                              PETER
                I don't think that's legal, is it?

80A   EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                        80A
      Graton is speaking into the microphone of his radio.
      Next to him sits a cop with phone-tapping equipment.
                              GRATON
                       (very excited)
                We got 'em, Chief. Five o'clock

                                                                     75.

               tomorrow at the fountain near the
               merry-go-round! I'll arrange for
               back-up... Hold it, someone's going
               into their building...
     We see Jack getting out of a taxi with his luggage
     and going into the building.

81   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                     81
     Jack emerges from the elevator happy as a lark and
     feeling frisky.
                             JACK
                      (opening the door)
               Yoo-hoo, guys! I'm home! I've
               got presents for you... so where's
               that wonderful fantastic babe...
     He enters and sees the state the apartment is in.
                             JACK
               ... What the hell happened here?
     He walks into the apartment, shocked and overwhelmed.
                               JACK
               Peter!    Michael! Are you here?
     He goes into the    living room -- No one'sthere. Into
     Michael's room.     No one's there. He goes into his own
     room, where the    destruction is even moreshocking than
     elsewhere since    nothing has been touchedin there.
                             JACK
               Oh, my God! My beautiful room!
               My beautiful, beautiful room!
                      (very angry)
               Michael!... Peter -- where the
               hell are you, for Chrissakes?
     He runs like a madman into Peter's room and stops short
     on the threshold. Michael and Peter are each holding a
     handle of the basket as they rock it gently.
                             JACK
                      (furious)
               What the hell is going on around
               here? What happened to this place?
               What happened to my room?
     Peter and Michael look him right in the eye, still
     rocking the basket.
                             JACK
               And anyway, what the hell are you

                                                             76.

          swinging that thing for?
                 (silence)
          Answer me for God's sake!
                 (looking in)
          Oh my God, there's a kid in there!
          Have you've gone bananas!? There's
          a Goddamn kid in there!
                 (silence)
                        JACK
          Oh, I get it. The    'silent' treatment!
          Okay, if you won't   talk to me, you can
          talk to my lawyer!    This is grounds for
          divorce! You're in    big trouble, the
          both of you.

He leaves.   A second later, he comes back.
                        JACK
          I paid to have this place decorated,
          too, you know. I'm not going to let
          you get away with this.
He leaves; a second later, he comes back.
                         JACK
          It's too late to try and talk me
          out of it. I'm history. I'm gone.
          I'm outa here.
He leaves.   A second later, he comes back.
                        JACK
          I'm giving you one more chance to...
                        PETER
                 (very calmly)
          Would it be asking too much of you
          to shut your big mouth for a few
          seconds? There is a child here
          who's trying to sleep.
                        JACK
          And that's another thing! I will
          not have a baby in this house!
          Babies are not part of our agreement!
                         PETER
                 (softly)
          Michael, please hold me back... or
          I'll kill him.
Michael takes the basket handle from  Peter's hand, places
the basket carefully on the bed, and  walks without a word
towards Jack, who he takes by the arm  and steers into the
living room. Peter softly shuts the   door behind them and
follows.

                                                                      77.



82   INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                                    82
     Michael sits Jack down in an armchair.     He speaks with
     forced calm.

                             MICHAEL
               All right, Jack. Why don't we
               start at the very beginning. The
               very day you left for your
               vacation...
                             JACK
               Hey, will you please stop talking
               like Mr. Rogers? It's getting on
               my nerves.
                             PETER
                      (his fuse has blown,
                       laughing hysterically)
               His nerves! Ha. Ha. Ha. His
               nerves! Michael, his nerves!
               You wanna talk about nerves! Then
               just shut up and listen. It so
               happens we don't want a kid here
               either, but when someone dumps one
               on us, we take goddamn care of it.
                             MICHAEL
               Yeah, we take goddam care of it.
                             PETER
               We haven't had a decent night's
               sleep in two weeks. Michael's
               probably going to lose a $15,000
               contract...
                             MICHAEL
               Peter couldn't leave. Jerry almost
               jumped out the window. It's lucky
               they even made it to the finals!
                                JACK
               What?
                             PETER
               First, we've got the    narcs on our
               ass, then there's the    drug gang
               threatening to carve    us up. Then
               bottles... bottles...    every three
               hours, bottles.
                              MICHAEL
               And diapers. Have you ever tried
               to do diapers?

                                                                   78.

                             PETER
               'La Paz, Bolivia...' He calls from
               ... 'I'm onto something hot.' He
               says. 'Did the package get there?'
               He says. You asshole!

                             MICHAEL
               And the day they wrecked the
               apartment, Peter came home and
               couldn't find Mary. I've never
               seen him in tears like that bef...
                             PETER
                      (cutting him off;
                       embarrassed)
               Never mind about that. Look, Jack,
               you got us into this mess, and
               you're going to help us get out of
               it.
                             JACK
               What are you guys talking about?
               What narcs? What gang? And who's
               that fucking baby?
                             PETER
               For your information, the 'fucking'
               baby's name is Mary. And if I
               were you, I'd watch what I said
               about her... because she just so
               happens to be your daughter!
                             JACK
               What??
                             MICHAEL
               And it just so happens, we've got
               a lot better things to do with our
               lives than wipe a baby's ass, even
               if she's yours!
     Peter and Michael exit, slamming the door.

83   INT. BATHROOM - DAY                                      83
     Peter is slicking his hair back with Brylcream. Jack
     is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, with his arms
     crossed. He observes Peter silently.

84   INT. APARTMENT - MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY                    84
     Mary is lying on the bed and Michael is putting the dope-
     filled diaper on her.

                                                                     79.

85   INT. BATHROOM - DAY                                        85
     Peter is giving a tousled-looking punk hairstyle to
     Jack, who is looking at himself in the mirror.
                             JACK
               It's ridiculous. I look
               ridiculous.
                             PETER
               You look completely ridiculous
               -- so what?

86   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                     86

     MARY, wearing a bonnet and coat, is lying on one of the
     couches, CHIRPING merrily. Next  to her, also in his
     coat, Michael is just finishing wrapping a brown package
     which he puts in a plastic bag, along with a book, a
     baby rattle, and a clean diaper.
     Peter and Jack, disguised as punks, each with punk
     hairstyles and wearing black sunglasses, are climbing
     out the window leading to the fire escape.

87   EXT. STREET - DAY                                          87
     Michael exits the building. Mary, wrapped in a little
     woolen blanket, is in his arms. Michael is also carry-
     ing his plastic bag.
     Graton, in his car, is speaking into the radio mike.
                             GRATON
               Okay, he's coming out alone.
               I'll follow him. Someone else
               stay here to keep an eye on the
               other guys.

88   EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY                                    88
     Michael is lying on the grass near the fountain with
     Mary on her blanket near him.
     Graton is nearby, also lying casually on the grass,
     watching them out of the corner of his eye.
     Michael glances at his watch, then at the passersby.
     The punk from the day before walks by with his arm around
     a girl. He strolls by casually. He spots Michael and
     their eyes meet. The couple sit down on a bench a few
     yards away and they begin "making out."

                                                            80.

Michael leans over Mary, coochie-coos her and surrepti-
tiously takes off her diaper, which he puts down beside
him. He puts the clean diaper on her.
Graton, nervous and wary,   watches Michael and the
passersby. Just then, two    punks (Peter and Jack) come
running up to Michael. He    ostensibly takes the brown
package out of his plastic   bag and gives it to them.
The two punks immediately take off with the package.
Graton leaps up, shouts "let's get 'em" and takes off
after the punks, followed by about 10 other plainclothes
detectives, who'd been hiding all around.
Michael quickly gets up,    picks Mary up and discreetly
deposits the dope-filled    diaper in a trash can, giving
the punk on the bench an    intent look. Then he goes off
in the direction of the    cops.
The punk calmly goes over to the trash can, takes out the
diaper, which he stuffs into his girl friend's purse, and
goes off in the opposite direction.
The cops have meanwhile arrested Peter and Jack, who put
up no resistance whatsoever. Michael now joins them.
                        MICHAEL
          What's going on?
                        GRATON
          Inspector Graton, Narcotics. Do
          you admit you gave these men this
          package?
                       MICHAEL
          Sure. I gave it to them, just a
          moment ago.
                        GRATON
                 (to one of the cops)
          Officer, will you please open this
          package in front of these witnesses?
The cop opens the package: it's a box of chocolate
Easter bunnies. Graton is mortified. He crushes all
the bunnies -- there's absolutely nothing but chocolate
inside them.
                        MICHAEL
          Is it against the law to give a
          box of candy to my friends?
Peter and Jack take off their glasses.
                        GRATON
          Oh, it's you guys!

                                                                    81.


                             PETER
               What's the problem?
                             GRATON
               You guys must think you're pretty
               smart, don't ya?
                      (suddenly freezes)
               Holy shit! The diaper!
     Graton starts running like crazy back to the fountain.
     He rummages like a sick dog all around the spot where
     Michael had been lying. Suddenly he dashes toward the
     trash can and dumps out its contents, throwing the
     garbage around like a lunatic.

                             GRATON
               The goddam diaper! What a jerk,
               what a goddam schmuck I am!
     Peter, Michael, Jack and the 10 plainclothes detectives
     watch Graton going bananas.
                             MICHAEL
                      (to the cops)
               I think that guy needs a vacation.
                             JACK
               He should try South America.
                             PETER
               Yeah, I hear it's nice there this
               time of year.

89   INT. GRATON'S BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY                         89
     The Chief is standing behind his desk, red-faced with
     anger, and Graton sheepishly faces him.
                             CHIEF
               Let's face it... Graton... You've
               got shit for brains.
                             GRATON
               I'm sure the dope was in the
               diaper. Can I go on tailing them?
                             CHIEF
               Forget it. I have solid information
               your three suspects never had anything
               to do with the dealers or the dope.
                             GRATON
               I'm sure the dope was in the diaper.
                             CHIEF

                                                                      82.

               Case closed.
                             GRATON
               I'm sure the dope was in the diaper.
                             CHIEF
                      (screaming)
               Did you hear me, Graton?   Case closed.
                             GRATON
               I'm sure the d...
                                                 CUT TO:
90   INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - EVENING                        90
     In the devastated living room Peter, still disguised as
     a punk, and Michael, both very high, are dancing around
     in circles with each other and laughing. They are
     singing a lullaby at the top of their lungs, and har-
     monizing. Peter is holding Mary close, and Michael,
     holding a near-empty bottle of liquor, staggers over to
     him and starts turning around in circles with him.
     MARY, snuggled up warmly between Peter and Michael, is
     LAUGHING her head off.
     In the b.g., in the hall, Jack, also still in his punk
     getup, is on the phone. He's got a glass in his hand
     and is a little smashed.
                             JACK
               Paul, hi, it's Jack! Hey, listen,
               I brought you back a little present
               from South America. Can I see you
               right away so I can give it to you?
               ... Yeah, the sooner the better!
               I can't wait to let you have it.
               How about 67th and East River?
91   EXT. EAST RIVER - EVENING                                   91
     A broadly smiling Jack arrives at the riverside. Paul
     is sitting on a bench. When he sees Jack, he gets up
     and comes to greet him, smiling and extending his hand.
     Without warning, Jack suddenly jumps him and  sends him
     with a forceful shove flying into the water.   Paul lands
     on his back with a big splash, and comes back  up to the
     surface totally dumbfounded. Jack leans over   the water
     and yells at him, like a madman, still a bit  drunk.
                             JACK
               That was for your 'little' package,
               and consider yourself lucky I
               didn't turn you in to the cops!
               And get one thing into your thick
               skull: I have never touched dope,

                                                                   83.

               and I never will. You and your
               shit-dealing, you can go straight
               to hell, and you can take the
               money you make from it and stick
               it up your ass! So long.

     Jack turns his back on Paul and staggers off.
                             PAUL
               Hey, come back! -- how'm I gonna
               get out of here?
                             JACK
               Crawl.


92   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                     92
     In the living room, Michael is sitting in front of the
     TV. He's not really watching -- he's eavesdropping on
     Jack's phone conversation.
                             JACK
                      (very aggravated)
               Listen, Sylvia, you've got to come
               back. I travel, I can't take care
               of her... Yeah, but you're her
               mother... I'm her father -- what
               makes you so sure I'm the father!?
               The dates coincide! Big deal!
               That doesn't prove a thing... But
               she's still your kid, so do me a
               favor, get your ass back here
               immediately and take her off our
               hands... 'Cause we've got a lot
               better things to do with our
               lives than wipe a baby's ass,
               okay? Sylvia?... Hello! Hello!
               Sylvia, goddam it!
                             JACK (CONT'D)
                      (he slams the receiver
                       down like he was
                       hammering a nail)
               Shit! That bitch hung up on me!
               Women! I could kill them!
                             MICHAEL
               Why don't you call her back?
                             JACK
               I don't have the number. I got
               a message to her through her
               agency, they won't tell me where
               she is. I don't even know where
               she was calling from. And you
               better believe she's not going

                                                                 84.

               to call back!
     The PHONE RINGS.   Michael answers it.
                             MICHAEL
               Hello?... No, it's Michael... How
               are you?... Oh, she's doing just
               fine, she's in great shape. We're
               taking very good care of her, you
               have nothing to worry about.
               'Bye.
     He hangs up.
                                JACK
               Who was that?

                             MICHAEL
               Sylvia -- She wanted to know how
               Mary was doing.
                             JACK
               What? Jesus Christ, Michael, why
               didn't you let me talk to her!?
                             MICHAEL
               She would have just hung up on
               you again. The important thing
               is she knows Mary's fine.
                             JACK
               You jerk! You should've said
               she was terrible, sick as hell!
               Practically on death's door!
                      (exits, furious)
               What a jerk, what a pain in the
               ass you can be sometimes...
                             MICHAEL
                      (to himself)
               What's with him? The kid's doing
               really great!

93   INT. APARTMENT - MORNING                               93
     Jack is on the phone in his room, which is looking a
     little more normal again.
                             JACK
               Mom? Hi, how are you?... Yes, I'm
               fine. Yes, I'm eating well. Mom,
               how would you feel if I told you
               you were a grandma?...
     SCREAMING coming over the phone.

                                                                   85.

                             JACK
               ... Yeah... A little girl, Mary...
     SCREAMING coming over the phone.
                             JACK
               ... I'd love you to see her. In
               fact, I was gonna bring her down
               tomorrow... today?... Great, I
               think there's a flight in three
               hours. I'll be at your place by
               two. See you real soon!
     He hangs up gleefully, rubbing his hands together.


94   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                       94
     Michael and Jack are in the kitchen. Michael is making
     some bottles. Jack is watching him do it.
                             MICHAEL
               You'll have four already made,
               this'll hold till Miami.
                                JACK
               Okay...
                             MICHAEL
               Tell her to make sure Mary gets
               plenty of sleep.
                                JACK
               I'll tell her.
                             MICHAEL
               If her ass gets red, tell her not
               to listen to any pediatricians --
               they're full of shit.
                                JACK
               Right.     Full of shit.
                             MICHAEL
               Then she should give her a bottle
               of water instead of the regular
               bottle. Works like a charm: Her
               ass will be white as snow in
               three hours.
                             JACK
                      (nodding)
               Bottle of water, white as snow...
                             MICHAEL
               Peter says her clothes should be
               washed by hand...

                                                                    86.


                             JACK
               Really, by hand?
                             MICHAEL
                      (nodding)
               And only in soap flakes without
               any artificial color or scent.
               And then rinsed three times in
               very hot water.
                             JACK
                      (docile)
               Rinse three times.
                             MICHAEL
               To put her to sleep we sing in
               harmony -- it always works.
                             JACK
               My mother lives alone.
                             MICHAEL
               Solo works just as well.
                              JACK
               Okay.
                             MICHAEL
               Now, as for the nipples, you've
               got to be very, very, very careful.
                             MICHAEL (CONT'D)
               As soon as the hole gets too big
               she's gotta throw them out -- This
               is extra, extra, extra-specially
               important -- 'cause if the hole's
               too big, the milk comes out too
               fast and it's bad for her digest...
                              JACK
                      (politely, but a
                        little in a hurry)
               I gotta get going, I'll miss my
               plane...

95   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                      95
     Peter is returning from work.
                              PETER
               Anyone home?
     Michael is in the living room, eating a sandwich, while
     looking through a magazine.

                                     87.

              MICHAEL
I am!
              PETER
How 'bout Jack?

              MICHAEL
On his way to Miami.
             PETER
Oh, yeah. He's got a lot of
nerve! Leaving us with the kid
again...
              MICHAEL
No, he took Mary to his mother's,
she couldn't wait to see her.
He's gonna try to unload her on
her till Sylvia gets back. I
made her four bott...
              PETER
       (furious)
You're kidding! That son-of-a-
bitch!
              MICHAEL
Don't worry, I told him everything
he had to know, and I made her
four bott...
              PETER
Oh, I'm telling you, that guy is
really starting to get on my
nerves!
              MICHAEL
Why?
              PETER
Goddamn him! He really could
have called me!
              MICHAEL
Are you pissed off 'cause she's
gone?
              PETER
       (exasperated)
Of course not! What, are you
crazy? I'm relieved! Thank God
she's out of here!
              MICHAEL
I made her four bott...
              PETER

                                                                  88.

               That idiot! He     could at least
               have told me.
                      (exits,    cursing)
               I can't believe    this... That
               jackass... That    jerk... There are
               such things as    phones!

                             MICHAEL
                      (to himself)
               Four bottles for the goddam trip.
               There, I finally got it out.

96   EXT. HOUSE (MIAMI) - DAY                              96
     A cab slowly pulls up in front of Jack's mother's house.
     There is a big red convertible filled with four jovial
     senior citizens. Jack comes out of the cab with the basket
     and stares at his mother, MARGIE, who's just locking her
     door. Next to her, holding her luggage is Steve (a man in
     his sixties). They head toward the trunk of the car.
                                JACK
               Hey, Mom!
                             MARGIE
                      (hits Steve)
               Hey, he finally made it!
                             MARGIE (CONT'D)
                      (to Jack)
               Do you have any idea what time it
               is? It's four. You said two.
                             JACK
               But, Mom, I missed the plane.
                             MARGIE
               Yeah, but now I have to go.
                             JACK
               Where are you going?
                             MARGIE
               On a cruise around the world.
                             JACK
               But why didn't you say so on the phone?
                             MARGIE
               Because you never would've come.
               Now let me see her.
                      (she grabs Mary and
                       covers her with kisses)
               Oh, my little strudle!
                                STEVE

                                                                   89.

               Hey, Margie.   We're a little late...
                             MARGIE
               Bye-bye, sweetie love... I'll
               bring you back presents from all
               over the world.
                      (to Jack, giving
                       back Mary)
               Four o'clock.
     She runs into the car and they pull away.     Everyone
     waving goodbye.
                              JACK
                       (holding Mary)
               'Bye!


97   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                   97
     Jack comes in with the basket; he's in a vile mood.
     He's got a bottle ready in his hand.
     Peter, who had been working in his room, rushes to the
     hall.
                             PETER
               You're bringing her back?
                             JACK
               Yeah... she's starving. I gotta
               heat this bottle up right away.
     They go into the kitchen together. Peter immediately
     gets busy; he heats the bottle up quickly while Jack
     soothes the hungry Mary by carrying her in his arms.
                             PETER
               So what happened? Did you two
               have a fight?
                             JACK
                      (grim)
               Goddamn cruises...
                             PETER
               Didn't she want to take her?
                             JACK
               Sure she did, but she was just
               leaving for some stupid cruise
               around the world. The entire
               fucking world! With some bimbo
               boyfriend of her's... and a bunch
               of retired bozos.
                              PETER

                                                                     90.

               The apple doesn't fall far from
               the tree.
                               JACK
               What?


98   INT. APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON                            98
     The DOORBELL RINGS.
     Jack goes to the door.
     At the door stands a rather distinguished-looking woman,
     with her hair tied back very properly, a suitcase in her
     hand. It is MRS. BRETSAWS, who speaks with a British
     accent.
                             MRS. BRETSAWS
               Good afternoon. I'm Mathilda
               Bretsaws, from The Second Mommy
               agency.
                             JACK
                      (very eager,
                       very gracious)
               Oh, yes, I was expecting you.
               Won't you come in...
     They disappear into the living room. Jack shuts the door
     behind him. Michael peeks into the hall, then goes and
     looks into the living room through the crack in the door.
     Peter, too, peeks in.
                               PETER
               Who is it?
                             MICHAEL
               Must be some nanny he found through
               an agency.
     Peter shrugs and walks away.
     Jack comes out of the living room.
                             JACK
                      (softly, to Michael)
               She wants to see Mary.
                               MICHAEL
               She's asleep.
                             JACK
               Well, she wants to see her anyway!
     He heads toward Peter's room.

                                                                    91.

                             PETER
                      (returning from
                       the kitchen)
               What do you want?
                             JACK
               Nothing, nothing.
                             PETER
               Don't go into my room, she's
               asleep.
                             JACK
               Yeah, but the nanny, Mrs. Bretsaws,
               she wants to see her.

                             PETER
               No, damn it, no! You're gonna
               wake her up! It already took me
               an hour to sing her to sleep...
                             JACK
               Yeah, but she wants to see her.
                             PETER
               All right, I'll go explain the
               situation.
                             JACK
                      (holding him back
                       with both hands)
               No, no, Peter, please, really,
               don't go, don't bother, I'll go
               explain it to her myself...
                              PETER
               It's no bother, Jack.    I'll be
               glad to do it.
     He rushes toward the living room.
                             JACK
                      (sighing, to Michael)
               Wanna bet she's out of here in
               ten minutes slamming the door
               behind her?
     They tiptoe over to the living room door and eavesdrop.

99   INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON                         99
                             PETER
               ... A sleeping child should not be
               awakened. If you don't know that,
               then you're not fit to be a nanny.

                                                                    92.

                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                       (tense, but still
                        calm)
                I never said that I wanted the
                child to be awakened, sir. I only
                asked to see her. If I'm going
                to be taking care of the child on
                a round-the-clock basis, then...
                              PETER
                'Round-the-clock'? Whaddya mean
                'round the clock'? Are you
                intending to sleep here?
                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                Absolutely, sir. A second mommy
                is a second mommy.
                              PETER
                And where are you going to sleep?
                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                Well, I expect you to show me to
                my quarters.
                              PETER
                Well, I don't know where Jack
                intends to stick you... That's his
                problem... Maybe in his room...
                But I'm warning you, Mrs.
                Brestshow.
                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                Bretsaws.
                              PETER
                There are three of us sharing
                this place and we're all real
                studs.

100   INT. HALLWAY - LATE AFTERNOON                              100
      Behind the door, Jack rolls his eyes, Michael empathizes
      with him. They head back to the kitchen.

101   INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON                          101
                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                ... And as for screwing, I have
                all I need at home, thank you very
                much. With a few days off every
                month, I'm sure I'll be fine. The
                only thing I'm interested in is the
                care of the child and I can tell
                she needs some.

                                      93.


               PETER
Oh, yeah?   How do you figure that?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Shouldn't I be discussing all this
with the father?
              PETER
Well, listen, Mrs. Fretsaw, umm...
Brainsore...
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Bretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.
              PETER
Right... Bratsnot, lemme tell
you something. With a child you
always know who the mother is,
but the father -- that's another
kettle of fish. So don't give me
that bullshit, okay?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Very well. I won't discuss it any
further with you. Will you please
show me where the kitchen and the
bathroom are?
               PETER
What for?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
So I can make you a list of the
things we need.
              PETER
What do you mean, make you a list?
-- Don't you do the shopping
yourself?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
No shopping or laundry or
housekeeping. I am a professional
nanny.
              PETER
We have plenty of everything.
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Do you have a sufficient amount
of fruit and vegetables for the
child?
              PETER
She only eats milk and cereal.

                                        94.

              MRS. BRETSAWS
That's not enough, sir. From
the age of three months children
should be started on a normal,
varied diet.

              PETER
Oh that's bullshit. You don't
feed a baby like an adult.
              MRS. BRETSAWS
       (mockingly)
Oh, really? And how would you
know?
              PETER
I've read plenty of books. The
diet recommended by those quack
pediatricians today is way too
rich. I'm in favor of natural
methods, Mrs. Breathmint.
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Bretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.
              PETER
For instance, if a child is having
trouble getting to sleep, what
would you do?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
Depends, if it was a continuing
problem, I might recommend a
mild sedative...
              PETER
       (exploding,
        triumphantly)
I knew you'd say something like
that, you jerk!
              MRS.    BRETSAWS
Fine. Anything you     say, sir.
Let me just remind    you that I have
my diploma and that    medicine is
a serious matter.
              PETER
Do you know the song that goes
'Medicine's a whore and the
pharmacist is her pimp'?
              MRS. BRETSAWS
No, I don't. We must listen to
different music. Personally I'm
very fond of opera.

                                                                    95.

                              PETER
                Mrs. Breakballs, if you don't
                get out of here right this minute
                I'm gonna punch you in the nose!
                This is my home, now get out!

                              MRS. BRETSAWS
                The name's Bretsaws. I am
                blessed with infinite patience
                when it comes to children, sir,
                but I'm not qualified to deal
                with lunatics. Goodbye and
                good luck!
      Mrs. Bretsaws grabs her suitcase and exits, dignified
      and stiff as a broom, slamming the door behind her.


102   INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON                           102
      Michael and Jack are sitting at the table.
                              JACK
                       (looking at
                        his watch)
                What did I tell you? Ten
                minutes to the second!

103   INT. APARTMENT - EVENING                                103
                              JACK
                Okay, listen, you guys... I've
                tried everything and nothing's
                working: my mother's off on a
                cruise; Mrs. Razzolini won't
                speak to us ever since the whole
                business with the cops -- we don't
                want to involve any of our
                girlfriends; Sylvia's taking it
                easy in Europe and there's no
                way she's gonna come back now
                that Michael went and told her
                everything's just fine and dandy.
                Peter did a terrific job getting
                rid of Mrs. Bretsaws, and all
                that's left are the daycare
                centers, but Peter's positive
                they're a breeding pit for A.I.D.S.
                So you tell me: What are we
                suppose to do? You want me to
                split with the kid? Or dump her
                in an orphanage?
                              PETER
                       (pretending to
                        play the violin)

                                     96.

Here we go.
               MICHAEL
Look,  her mother'll be back in
less  than five months. Let's not
waste  a shitload of time looking
for a  solution for such a short
time.   Let's get organized.
              JACK
What do you mean, organized?
              PETER
Well, you'll have to ask to fly
the New York-Washington shuttle
for five months, on account of
serious personal problems.
              JACK
What? Never! I'd rather be a
subway conductor.
              PETER
       (barking)
Then dump her in an orphanage,
'cause there's no way we're gonna
take care of her all by ourselves
anymore!
              MICHAEL
Come on, stop arguing, you two!
Jack, you're going to have to
ask to do the New York-Washington
shu...
               JACK
        (stubborn, yelling)
No!   Never.
              MICHAEL
       (unruffled)
That way, you can do the 6-10 A.M.
shift. That amounts to two bottles
and two diaper changes. You do
the shopping when you get home in
the evening and that's all. Peter,
you'll take the 6-10 P.M. shift.
That's two bottles and two diaper
changes, her bath and her laundry.
Since I work at home I'll take
the longest shift from 10 A.M. to
6 P.M. I'll take her to the park
for an hour, but that's it. No
shopping, no cooking, no cleaning.
              PETER
What if she gets up at night?

                                                                  97.

                Whose shift is that?
                              MICHAEL
                Well... I thought you might do
                it...

                                 PETER
                Not a    chance! I'm not doing the
                night    shift. I absolutely refuse.
                I have    too much work to catch up
                on for    the competition.
                              JACK
                Well, needless to say I refuse,
                too!

                              MICHAEL
                Listen to me, you selfish bastards!
                My shift is eight hours in a row.
                No way I'm gonna do nights too.
                After 6 P.M. she can scream all
                she wants, I don't give a shit.
                              PETER
                You know, Jack, you're a real
                slime ball! We give you the
                easiest shift: the morning. She's
                always in great shape in the morning,
                isn't she? We've got to work like
                crazy to save our jobs and you
                have the nerve to refuse nights.
                Goddamit, she's your daughter.
                Are you that horny?
                              JACK
                       (extremely pissed
                        off)
                Hey, horny yourself! I don't
                give a shit. I don't need you
                guys. I'll find some other way
                to do it. And I won't take the
                New York-Washington shuttle!
      He exits, furious.

104   INT. CHARTER COMPANY - DAY                            104
      Jack is coming out of   an office that says "EXECUTIVE
      OFFICES." He is grim    and sullen-looking. He runs into
      his friend Paul, who   jumps three feet away to avoid a
      potential mishap with   Jack.
                               PAUL
                       (shyly)
                Hi, Jack, something wrong?

                                                                        98.

                              JACK
                       (who hadn't
                        noticed him)
                Oh, hi... Nah, nothing's wrong.
                              PAUL
                What were you doing in the boss's
                office?
                              JACK
                I was asking to do the New York-
                Washington shuttle for a few
                months.
                              PAUL
                Oh, and he said 'no,' huh?

                              JACK
                       (barking)
                As a matter of fact, he said
                'yes.'
      Paul backs up against the wall, protecting his face
      with his arms. Jack leaves, disgusted. Paul watches
      him go, totally confused.

105   INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT                                 105
      Jack is sitting on his bed, wearing a dressing gown.
      He's got a sleeping Mary in his arms. The basket is on
      the floor beside the bed. Jack attempts to put Mary back
      in her basket but she shudders and he immediately sits
      back down again and doesn't move. Mary falls back asleep.
      Jack looks at her skin, her hands. Very gently, he
      kisses her forehead. Mary smiles in her sleep.

106   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - MORNING                                  106
      Michael is working at his drafting table.      Jack rushes
      in, wearing his uniform, ready to go out.
                              JACK
                Okay, I'm off. She's well fed
                and she's sleeping now.
      We hear MARY CRYING.
                               JACK
                Shit, she's crying.      I'll go
                pick her up...
      Peter passes him in the corridor.      He, too, is ready to
      go out to his office.
                                 PETER

                                                                   99.

                 Let her cry, she's just trying
                 to get to sleep, she'll stop in
                 a couple of minutes.
                               JACK
                 No, she needs to burp -- I've
                 gotta rock her for a little...
                               PETER
                 I'm telling you, the more you
                 pick her up, the longer it'll
                 take her to get to sleep.
                               JACK
                 Thanks for the advice -- now why
                 don't you just shove it? I know
                 you let her scream for hours but
                 I can't.
                                PETER
                        (in a state of
                         shock)
                 I never let her scream for hours!
                               JACK
                 You'd resort to any theory to not
                 take care of her. Just because
                 you've read some books...
                               PETER
                 Can you believe what he just
                 said to me... I read those books
                 bec...
                               JACK
                 It's not your shift, anyway.
                 Piss off, will ya?
                               MICHAEL
                 Come on, guys, cool it! It's my
                 shift now.
                        (to Jack)
                 I'll rock her for a few minutes...
                        (to Peter)
                 ... and then I'll put her right to
                 bed. So off to work, both of you.
       He pushes them both out.

1076   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                  107
       It's noon, the sun is   shining brightly. Michael is
       diapering Mary on her   changing table. She's naked.
       He tickles her, bites   her toes, neck and ears; she
       bursts out laughing.    Michael is totally gaga over her.

                                                                   100.

                               MICHAEL
                 Coochie, coochie, coo... woo,
                 woo, woo... bippity, boppity
                 boo...
      Peter comes rushing into the apartment and runs toward
      his room. He stops short in the corridor -- he hears
      Mary's laughter and Michael's coochie-coo's.
      Noiselessly he tiptoes over to the living room door and
      listens, troubled. Then he walks away and shouts, as
      though he were just coming out of his room.
                               PETER
                 Hi, Michael, I just came back
                 to get a file I forgot...

      Michael stops his baby-talk immediately, as though sud-
      denly paralyzed, embarrassed, guilty. Peter enters the
      room.
                               PETER
                 Everything okay?
                               MICHAEL
                        (without looking
                         at him)
                 Yeah, okay.
      Silence.
                               PETER
                        (not moving)
                 Well, I guess I'll be going now.
                               MICHAEL
                        (not moving either)
                 Yeah...
      They're both uneasy.
                                  PETER
                 The baby okay?
                               MICHAEL
                        (not budging
                         an inch)
                 Yeah, okay.
      Peter exits.

108   INT. BATHROOM - EVENING                                108
      Peter enters the bathroom. He's carrying Mary, who's
      naked and wrapped in a towel.

                                                                     101.

      Peter carefully locks the door behind him. He removes
      Mary's towel and sits her in her little tub, filled
      with warm water.
      Mary quivers as she comes in contact with the water.
      Peter kneels down and very gently pours glasses of water
      on her shoulders and head. The water streams down her
      face. She blinks and laughs. Peter whispers lovingly
      to her in a barely audible, very low voice. Mary
      stares at him.
                                                   FADE OUT.

      FADE IN:

109   SAME SCENE - MONTHS LATER                                109
      Peter is wearing a different suit and Mary is almost
      one-year-old, with a lot more hair on her head, and
      able to sit up a lot better.

110   INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT                                 110
      Although it is dark, we can distinguish in Jack's bed
      a rather bulky shape, which is moving around under the
      comforter and doesn't exactly seem to be sleeping...
      Suddenly, from the direction of    the living room, we can
      hear MARY CRYING. Jack emerges     from under the comforter
      and switches on the light: he     has a female guest in
      his bed, a pretty BRUNETTE this    time.
                               JACK
                        (to himself)
                 Shit, she's crying...
                                 BRUNETTE
                 What?
                               JACK
                 Nothing, nothing. I'll be right
                 back.
      He gets up, slips on a bathrobe and goes out of the
      bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him. He
      goes into the living room, picks Mary up, and showers
      her with kisses.
      Mary stops crying immediately and lays her head on
      Jack's shoulder, sucking her thumb. Jack rocks her
      for a moment then puts her back to bed.
      Mary instantly starts crying again. Jack very quickly
      picks her up again and kisses her. Mary is delighted
      by his tenderness. Jack puts her back to bed again.

                                                                    102.

      Mary cries again.
                              JACK
                It' beddy-bye time now, honey,
                beddy-bye, don't cry, sweetheart...

      Mary keeps crying, Jack picks her up again. Peter and
      Michael in their pajamas, their faces swollen with
      sleep, enter the living room.
                              PETER
                       (in a soft voice)
                She's crying.
                              JACK
                       (hushed voice)
                Yeah, every time I try to put
                her back to bed...
                              MICHAEL
                       (hushed voice)
                Maybe she's thirsty?
                              PETER
                No, her back teeth must be
                starting to bother her...
                              JACK
                What should I do?
                              MICHAEL
                I've bought some stuff for her
                gums.
      He rubs some of the medication on Mary's gums.
                              PETER
                Try and put her back to bed;
                we'll sing.
      Jack puts Mary back to bed. Michael, as a routine,
      sings a major chord, giving each of them their notes.
      They start singing a lullabye in three-part harmony,
      as they lean over the crib. Mary is in seventh heaven.
      She looks up at them, she stops crying, she sucks her
      thumb.

111   INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT                                111
      The Brunette is listening to the male chorus, totally
      amazed.
                              BRUNETTE
                This guy's totally whacko.
      She gets up, slips on a T-shirt, and exits the bedroom.

                                                            103.

She stops at the door to the living room and contemplates
the three men who are singing earnestly around the crib.
                        BRUNETTE
                 (in a loud voice)
          Hey, choir boys, you gonna keep
          it up all night?
Peter and Michael stare at her, scandalized. Jack
gestures wildly to her to shut up and go away.
                       BRUNETTE
          Oh my God! There's a baby in
          there! I'm sorry...
She goes back to Jack's room.

                        PETER
                 (hissing)
          Who the hell's that broad?
                        JACK
          Watch your mouth, will you? I'm
          in love with that young lady.
                         PETER
          Can't she speak softly like
          everyone else?
                        JACK
                 (getting angry)
          Listen, at night I'm in charge.
          So get off my back, will you?
                        MICHAEL
                 (exasperated)
          Will you quit fighting all the
          time? She just fell asleep, for
          Chrissake.
                        JACK
          Oh, Michael, go to hell! I'm
          sick and tired of your little
          'Father Knows Best' number!
                        PETER
          Yeah, you're right, I'm fed up
          with it, too!
                        MICHAEL
                 (terribly upset)
          Okay, that's it. Into the
          kitchen.
He exits, furious. Peter and Jack follow after him.
Fuming, they file one after the other down the corridor
past the stunned Brunette in her T-shirt who was waiting

                                                          104.

for Jack by the door to his room. The three guys close
the kitchen door and start yelling at each other. They
all talk at once.
                        MICHAEL
         I've had it with you assholes! I
         won't be the buffer between you
         two anymore...
                       JACK
         I didn't ask you to get up, I know
         what I have to do.
                       PETER
         I don't mind getting up, that's
         not the point...

                       MICHAEL
         I'm not a punching bag!   You
         assholes!
                       JACK
         If I can't bring a girl back here
         anymore, just say so. And I'm gone.
         I'm outta here. With Mary.
                        PETER
         You can bring whoever you want as
         long as they speak softly like
         everyone else!
                       MICHAEL
         One thing I know: I can't goddamn
         wait till Sylvia gets back!
                       PETER
         Yeah, you can say that again!
                       JACK
         And again, and again, and again...
Meanwhile, the Brunette has put her clothes back on and
gathered up her belongings. Now she enters the kitchen.
                       BRUNETTE
         Sorry to disturb you guys, but
         I'm splitting. I didn't come
         here to be a bedwarmer. 'Bye.
                       JACK
                (running after her)
         No! Wait, please don't go... it's
         all over now, I'm coming back to
         bed...
                       BRUNETTE
                (at the front door)

                                                                  105.

                You're very nice, but I don't
                feel like it anymore now. Some
                other time, okay? 'Bye.
      She kisses him goodbye and leaves.

      Jack is very depressed.

112   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                    112
      Peter, Michael and Jack have guests over for dinner.
      CLASSICAL MUSIC, a very fancy table, candles: they're
      at the tail-end of the dinner, before dessert. Everyone
      is very fashionably dressed.

      Natalie is sitting between Peter and Carl. Jay and
      Jerry, Peter's partners, are also there with their wives.
      Michael and Sophia are having a vehement discussion as
      usual, Jack is between two gorgeous models: CHRISTIE
      and CAROLINE.
                              CARL
                Have you seen the latest bi-annual
                at the Whitney? Incredible! Have
                you seen it, Peter?
                              PETER
                No, I haven't had the time lately.
                              CARL
                Ah... working hard on the
                competition, are you? You may
                as well throw in the T-square,
                old friend, you haven't got a
                chance.
                               JERRY
                        (somewhat harshly)
                I only wish he was working hard
                on the competition, but
                unfortunately, that's not the
                case...
                              NATALIE
                Really? What's he doing then?
                He's always so busy.
                              CARL
                Maybe he's working hard on women!
                Some people have to work really
                hard to get anything!
      Natalie bursts out laughing. Peter's about to respond,
      but stops himself suddenly. In the b.g., a BABY can be

                                                            106.

heard CRYING.
Peter, Jack, and Michael exchange glances.    Jack rushes
out. The guests haven't heard anything.
                        PETER
                 (whispering to
                  Natalie)
          Why do you always have to bring
          Carl along with you?
                        NATALIE
          Don't you like him?
                        PETER
          Oh, c'mon -- I love him! Only,
          I'd like to see you alone for
          once, that's all.
                         NATALIE
          He's  extremely talented -- in
          fact,  I hate to tell you this,
          but I  think he and his group are
          gonna  win the competition.
                        PETER
          Well, we'll see about that.
Jack returns to the table.   Peter's eyes follow him
nervously.
                        MICHAEL
                 (in a low tone,
                  to Jack)
          Did you give her something to
          drink?
                        CHRISTIE
                 (drunkenly)
          Oh, cut it out! No more for me!
          I've had eight glasses!
                        JACK
                 (in a low tone, to
                  Michael)
          I tried, but she doesn't want
          anything --
                        CHRISTIE
          I do so want some, but if I have
          anymore I'll pass out!
                        PETER
          Save room for dessert -- it's a
          three-tiered cake from Balducci's!
                         EVERYONE

                                                                107.

                Oh!   Wow!
                              CHRISTIE
                       (greedily)
                I love three-tiered cakes!

                              JAY'S WIFE
                So what's it made of?
      In the b.g., the BABY starts CRYING again.
                              PETER
                Umm, it's made with whipped cream
                and loads of nipples on top --
                I mean, loads of... raspberries
                ... I'll be right back...

      Peter rushes out of the room. Michael and Jack exchange
      glances. The CRYING CONTINUES.
                              SOPHIA
                Are you saying that's not art? Are
                you really saying that's not art?
                Well, then, you explain what it is.
                              MICHAEL
                Well, it's... art. I'll be right
                back.
      He gets up and goes out.    Jack watches him.
                              CAROLINE
                Jack, tell me about those exotic
                places, what is Caracas like?
                              JACK
                       (his mind elsewhere)
                Well, actually... uh, lately I've
                been to Washington a lot... and
                uh... I'll be right back.
      He gets up and goes out.

113   INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT                           113
      The three men are talking. Jack is holding Mary, whose
      eyes are swollen with tears.
                              PETER
                Try and put her back to bed...
                              JACK
                I'm warning you, she'll scream...
                              PETER
                I'm sure she's cutting a tooth...

                                                                108.


      From the living room, Christie's voice can be heard.
                               CHRISTIE (O.S.)
                Yoo-hoo! What are you guys doing
                in there? It's fucking boring
                without you...
                              MICHAEL
                Oh shit -- the guests...
                              PETER
                You two go... I'm staying with
                her. It can't be worse than
                listening to Carl.

                              JACK
                That's not fair -- let's take Mary
                out there...
                              MICHAEL
                And the hell with it.

114   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                   114
      The three men enter the living room; Jack is carrying
      Mary.
                              GUESTS
                Oh, it's a baby!
                              GUESTS (CONT'D)
                Where the hell did that come
                from? Wow! Is it a boy or a
                girl? Who does it belong to?
                So you've got a kid now?
                Incredible! Does that come
                from Balducci's? No kidding,
                whose baby is that?
                              JACK
                Ladies and gentlemen, I would like
                you to meet my daughter, Mary.
                              PETER
                       (muttering)
                Your daughter... your daughter...
                              GUESTS
                You're kidding! Congratulations!
                She's adorable! She looks just
                like you... Oh, what a cute little
                girl!
      Overwhelmed by all the people, MARY bursts out CRYING.

                                                           109.

                        JACK
                 (walking her back
                  and forth)
          Don't cry, Mary, don't cry...
                        PETER
          There's too much noise.
He shuts the MUSIC OFF.   MARY keeps on SCREAMING.
                         PETER
                  (to everyone)
          She's teething, that's why she's
          cranky.
                  (to Jack)
          Give her to me, I'll try and calm
          her down.
Peter takes MARY on his lap.    The SCREAMING CONTINUES.
                        MICHAEL
                 (very tense)
          Don't sit down -- it'll get worse.
          You have to walk around.
Peter gets up and walks around.      Jack and Michael,
standing, watch him walk.
MARY SCREAMS even LOUDER as Peter walks back and forth
in the room with her. The guests watch in uncomfortable
silence.
                        NATALIE
          How long have you had this kid?
                        JACK
          A few months...
                        NATALIE
                 (somewhat sharply)
          Who's her mother, anyway?
                         PETER
          She's in Europe, she'll be back
          in a few days.
                        CARL
          Does she always cry like that?
                        MICHAEL
          No, it's only because she's
          teething, she's usually very
          sweet...
The guests remain silent.
                          CAROLINE

                                                   110.

                 (to break the silence)
          You'd never think something so
          small could make a noise so big.
MARY'S CRYING fills the room.

                        JERRY
          What if you just put her back to
          bed?
                        NATALIE
          Right -- she's just throwing a
          temper tantrum, put her to bed...
                        PETER
          We already tried...

                        JACK
          It's her teeth...
                        NATALIE
                 (to Jerry)
          Do you have any kids?
                        JERRY'S WIFE
          Yeah, but they're grown up now,
          thank God!
                        CHRISTIE
                 (to Jay)
          And do you have kids, too?
                        JAY
          What?
                        CHRISTIE
          I said... and do you have kids,
          too?
                        JAY
          No, we both have careers.
The guests remain silent, MARY CONTINUES to CRY.
                        CARL
          So, do you think we'll get to
          taste that three-tiered cake
          tonight?
                        PETER
          What?
                        CARL
                 (to Natalie,
                  sarcastically)
          Oh, nothing, nothing -- I was
          just trying to liven up the

                                    111.

conversation...
              PETER
What?
              CHRISTIE
Gosh, my ears are ringing, I
can't hear anybody.
              CAROLINE
I must say, a crying kid is kind
of hard to take...
              PETER
What?

              CARL
       (loudly)
We were just saying that this
baby's conversation is actually
rather limited... and a touch
annoying. Don't you think?
              PETER
Well, she's not the only one
with a limited conversation.
At least she has an excuse, she's
a baby! What's yours?
              CARL
I frankly don't know what you
mean.
              PETER
I mean, I've been listening to
your pompous drivel about the
latest trends for the last two
hours, and frankly, it's a crock
of horseshit.
              JERRY
Come on, Peter, be nice...
              JAY
Listen, go put the baby to bed
and you guys cool it, will you?
              CARL
It's okay. I'm used to it.
Peter's always been a sore loser.
              PETER
       (totally out
        of control)
You motherfucker, get out of
here! Get out of my house right
now or I'll kick the shit out

                                                         112.

            of you! You snobbish scum-
            sucking snake!
                          JERRY
            Peter, cut it out!

                          JACK
            Stop it, Peter. Give her to me,
            I'll put her to bed...
                          PETER
                   (beside himself)
            No, I'll go.
                   (to all the
                    guests)
            And you can all go fuck
            yourselves! Go back to your
            asinine conversations!
He exits with Mary.    Jack, embarrassed, follows him.
                          MICHAEL
                   (trying to recover)
            Well... umm... How 'bout if I
            get the cake now, okay?
He exits.
                          CARL
            Well. It seems our beloved hosts
            are going to be busy playing
            mother for a while, so if you'll
            excuse me, I'll just slip away...
                   (to Natalie)
            ... Natalie, may I invite you to
            spend the rest of the evening in
            a more hospitable place?
                          NATALIE
            Gladly.
                   (to the guests)
            Goodbye.
They exit.
                          JAY
                   (to Jerry and
                    his wife)
            Is he out of his mind or what?
                          JERRY
            He was absolutely obnoxious.
                          CHRISTIE
                   (drunk, getting
                    up and tottering)
            Hey, Caroline, I think we should

                                                   113.

          go, too. I don't feel so good...
          I think I'm gonna barf...
                        CAROLINE
                 (running to
                  help her)
          Oh, God, no! Hold it back!
                        CHRISTIE
                 (starting to cry)
          I wanna go home...
                        CAROLINE
          Okay, we're going...
                 (to the others)
          Sorry... say goodbye to Jack
          for us...
They exit.   Christie is hanging on to Caroline.
                        JAY
                 (to Jerry)
          Look, there's no point in our
          staying any longer. I think
          it's best we leave.
                        JAY'S WIFE
                 (to Jerry)
          Tell Peter if was a wonderful
          party.
                        JERRY
                 (sad)
          Okay... 'Bye...
                         SOPHIA
          Can you drop me off near Soho
          by any chance?
                         JAY
          Sure.
                         SOPHIA
          Thanks!
                 (to Jerry and
                  his Wife)
          'Bye... Say goodbye to them
          for me...
Sophia, Jay and his Wife exit.
                        JERRY'S WIFE
          Well, we might as well go, too.
          I think the evening's over.
She gets up, so does Jerry.

                                                          114.

Michael, very playful, comes back in carrying an
enormous three-tiered cake.
                        MICHAEL
          Ta-da! Will you look at this?
          Is this a cake or what? Can
          someone make a little room on
          the table so I can... Are you
          guys leaving?
                        JERRY
          Yeah, we're beat.
                        MICHAEL
          Hey, where is everybody?

                        JERRY'S WIFE
          Well, the atmosphere wasn't
          exactly festive...
                        JERRY
          Sorry about the cake, Mike...
          It looks great!
                        MICHAEL
          Oh, never mind, don't worry...
          Good night...
Jerry and his Wife exit. Michael is left standing there
with his cake. Jack comes in, full of beans.
                        JACK
          Well, she's asleep at last! We
          sang in har... Hey, where is
          everybody?
                        MICHAEL
          Gone. Can you make a little room
          for me on the table to put the...
                        JACK
          You mean they're all gone?
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, all of 'em, hey, can you
          make a little room for me to...
                        JACK
                 (going back out,
                  furious)
          Peter! Peter, goddamit, get out
          here!
Peter comes back in with Jack.
                        JACK
          They're all gone!

                                                    115.


                       PETER
         Who gives a shit, they're all
         jerks anyway.
                       MICHAEL
         Hey, could you make a little
         room for me on the table so
         I can...
                       JACK
         It's because of the kid.     They
         can't stand kids.
                       PETER
         I can't stand kids either but
         that's not a reason to leave!
         Dipshits, they're all a bunch
         of dipshits, every one of 'em.
                       MICHAEL
         Oh, fuck it -- I'm sitting down.
He sits down on a chair with the cake on his lap.
                          JACK
         And did    you hear Natalie: 'She's
         throwing    a temper tantrum, just
         put her    to bed.' What a pain-in-
         the-ass    that broad is!
                        PETER
                (pissed off)
         Hey, you're the pain-in-the-ass!
         First you dump a baby on us, then
         you scare everyone away from the
         party, then...
                          JACK
         I scared    everyone aw... Just
         cut the    crap, will you? My whole
         life is    diapers, shuttles and
         bottles.     I do the graveyard shift,
         I'm the    one who never gets any
         sleep.     I...
                       PETER
         Listen, we all have two full-time
         jobs! That's for sure!
                       MICHAEL
         And what about me? I'm a prisoner
         in this house all day long, forget
         about chasing ass, I haven't
         gotten laid in six months. When
         the hell is your friggin' Sylvia
         gonna come back?

                                                               116.


                               JACK
                She's been gone for six months
                and four days.
                              PETER
                If she's not back by the end of
                next week, I'm kicking her kid
                out!
                              MICHAEL
                You better give your goddam
                Sylvia hell for this!
                              JACK
                Don't worry, she's gonna get it
                but good!
                              PETER
                And you can tell her we have a
                lot better things to do with
                our lives than wipe a baby's
                ass, goddamn it!
      He exits. So does Jack. Michael is buried under the
      three-tiered cake, unable to see around it.
                              MICHAEL
                Do you guys want some cake?
                       (beat)
                Guys?

115   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                  115
      In her crib Mary is sleeping.   She's beautiful, she
      looks happy.

116   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                  116
      Mary is in her playpen, playing with a SQUEAKY rubber
      giraffe.
      The DOORBELL RINGS.
      Peter opens it: standing there before him is a very,
      very, young, gorgeous girl.
                              SYLVIA
                       (bursting with joy)
                Hello... I'm Sylvia, Mary's
                mother. I've come to get her...
                              PETER
                       (completely dazed)
                Oh, it's you... Wait, I'll go

                                                             117.

          get Jack...
He stands there, frozen.
                        SYLVIA
          How's Mary doing?

                        PETER
                 (as if he were
                  dreaming)
          Fine, fine, she's doing great...
          She's getting her back teeth
          in lately, it's been a bit rough...
                           SYLVIA
          Can I see her?

                        PETER
          Oh, yeah, sure, she's in there...
They both enter the living room. Mary stares at Sylvia.
When she spots Mary, Sylvia suddenly breaks down in tears.
Peter is dumbfounded.
                        SYLVIA
          I don't believe how much she's
          grown!
Recovering, wiping away her tears, she walks over to the
playpen.
                        SYLVIA
          Hello, Mary, hello my darling...
She picks her up, hugs her tightly, showers kisses on
her. MARY LAUGHS. Sylvia starts crying again.
                        SYLVIA
          How beautiful she is... Her hair
          has grown... Look how much she
          changed, I missed it all. I
          missed her so much!
Peter, in a kind of daze, stares at Sylvia. Without
looking at Peter, she dries her eyes and tries to stop
crying.
                        SYLVIA
          I wanted to make life difficult
          for Jack but I never thought I'd
          miss her so much...
                        PETER
                 (still in a fog)
          Oh, yeah... make life difficult
          for Jack...

                                                                  118.

                                SYLVIA
                Is he here?
                                PETER
                What?

                                SYLVIA
                Is Jack here?
                              PETER
                       (snapping out of it)
                Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll go get him...
      He exits like a sleepwalker and goes straight into
      Michael's room. The latter is asleep.

      Peter sits down on the edge of Michael's bed and gently
      shakes him.
                              PETER
                Michael, Michael... Sylvia's here.
      Michael wakes up and looks at Peter.
                              PETER
                Mary's leaving.

117   INT. KITCHEN - DAY                                        117
      Peter's giving Mary her bottle, Jack is carefully putting
      all her stuff into a bag -- bottles, nipples, cereals,
      etc.
      In the doorway Sylvia, with reddened eyes, silently
      watches them.
                              JACK
                       (to himself)
                Let's see, the five bottles,
                the little bottles for water,
                the strainer for her cereal...
                       (to Sylvia)
                ... Do you have a blender?
                                SYLVIA
                A blender?
                              JACK
                For bananas and carrots and stuff.
                It's time for her to start eating
                them...
                              SYLVIA
                No, I don't have a blender.
                                JACK

                                                            119.

          Okay, you can have ours.
He stuffs the blender into the bag.
Mary has now finished her bottle.

                        SYLVIA
                 (to Peter)
          Do you want me to take her?
                        PETER
          No, I have to burp her first.
With dexterity, he places Mary face down on his shoulder
and walks around in the kitchen, patting her on the back.

                        JACK
                 (to Sylvia)
          Here, could you give these to
          Michael so he can pack them
          with the clothes?
He hands two bibs to Sylvia.
Sylvia walks through the apartment, and stops in front
of Michael's room, where she looks strangely at the
changing table with its mattress, its pretty sheet, and
the baby's toilet articles.
Sylvia enters the living room.
Michael has spread all of Mary's clothes, neatly folded
and ironed on the couch. He is packing them in a big
bag.
                        SYLVIA
          Here are the bibs. Jack told me
          to give them...
                        MICHAEL
                 (taking the bibs)
          Thanks... I put the woolen things
          on the bottom and the diapers
          and lighter things on top,
          because you'll need those first...
                        SYLVIA
                 (her mind is
                  elsewhere)
          Yeah, sure...
Michael bustles about. Sylvia's gaze comes to rest on
the crib which stands imposingly in the middle of the
living room. Music boxes, little booties and stuffed
animals are hanging from the bars, and a pretty white
tulle frames the crib.

                                                                      120.

                              MICHAEL
                You'll have to come back and
                get the crib later.
                              SYLVIA
                Yeah...


118   EXT. STREET - DAY                                         118
      A taxi is there. Behind the    wheel the driver sits
      waiting. Sylvia is sitting    in the back, on the side
      nearest the sidewalk, and on   her lap is Mary, whom
      she's gently fondling.
      On the sidewalk, beside the   open trunk of the cab,
      are all Mary's belongings:    some bags, the playpen, a
      stroller, the baby bathtub,   the changing table, etc.
      Peter is attempting to pack it all in the trunk.    Michael
      is handing the things to him.
                               PETER
                       (tense)
                Give me the playpen first...
                              MICHAEL
                       (equally tense)
                Then where are you gonna put the
                tub?
                              PETER
                       (annoyed)
                Just give me the playpen.
                       CAB DRIVER
                Need some help?
                              PETER
                No, no thanks... I'd rather do it
                myself...
      Jack is standing beside the back door of the cab, leaning
      over toward Sylvia, who is holding Mary. He is trying
      unsuccessfully to sound angry.
                              JACK
                You really screwed us over but
                good -- you know that...
                              SYLVIA
                I know, I'm sorry.
                              JACK
                Really. Our lives have been out
                of control for the past six
                months.

                                                          121.

                        SYLVIA
          Yeah, I bet... Actually, that was
          kind of the point... But I'm the
          one who really got screwed...
She starts to cry again.

                        JACK
          Don't cry, c'mon... you're taking
          her back now, it's great...
                        SYLVIA
                 (wiping her eyes)
          Yeah, it's great...
                        JACK
          D'you have enough money?     Can you
          manage all right?
                        SYLVIA
          Yeah, sure... I'm not loaded, but
          it's okay -- I'm working, I've
          got modeling jobs lined up...
                        JACK
          Do you have a boyfriend?
                        SYLVIA
          No. That's the last thing I need.
          I've got my work. And now I've
          got her.
She rubs noses with Mary.
Peter and Michael approach.
                        PETER
          That's it, we fit it all in...
                        JACK
          Okay, then... well, 'bye...
The three men are lined up on the sidewalk. Mary stares
at them, looking a little lost. They wave their hands
and:
                           PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK
          'Bye, Mary!
MARY LAUGHS and waves.
                         SYLVIA
                 (with a big, sad
                  smile)
          Okay, well, thanks again -- 'Bye!
                           PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK

                                                           122.

          'Bye!
The CAR STARTS up, pulls away, and disappears FROM VIEW.
                        JACK
                 (playfully)
          Well, that's that!
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah...
                        PETER
          Right... That's that.
They head back to their apartment building.

                        PETER
          Oh shit -- I forgot to explain
          about the cereal!
                        JACK
          She'll figure it out by herself...
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, she'll manage...
                        JACK
          Now it's back to the good life
          for us!
                        MICHAEL
          Sleeping late! Different women
          every night! I can't wait!
                        JACK
          Forget about the New York-Washington
          shuttle! I'm off to Caracas!
                        PETER
          And I'm gonna be able to get back
          to work, so Carl better watch it
          -- I'm gonna slaughter that
          son-of-a-bitch! First with this
          goddam competition... and then
          with Natalie.
                        MICHAEL
          And I've got six months' worth
          of sex to catch up on with Cathy,
          Nora, Frances, Susan, Barbra...
They have entered the elevator. The doors close. They
come out of the elevator, in front of their apartment.
                        MICHAEL
          ...Christie, Paula, Sheila, Lisa,
          Kimberly, Rhonda, Rebecca, Louisa...

                                                                     123.

                But not necessarily in that order!
      They enter the apartment and Peter walks on something
      that lets out a TERRIBLE SQUEAK.
                              PETER
                Oh, she forgot her squeaky
                giraffe.
      He picks it up and throws it onto an armchair.

119   EXT. LUXURY HOTEL - DAY                                       119
      Jack takes a running jump and does a cannonball into
      the pool of a luxury hotel somewhere in the world. He
      splashes two girls who find it very funny...

120   EXT. STREET - DAY                                             120
      Peter, with a bouquet of flowers, runs like mad down a
      street.

121   INT. ART GALLERY - DAY                                        121
      Michael and Sophia are having a big discussion about
      contemporary art in the midst of a sophisticated crowd
      at an opening. Michael is vehement, gesturing wildly,
      and so is Sophia. They're both talking at once, not
      listening to each other, and enjoying it immensely.

122   INT. OFFICE - DAY                                       122
      Peter, all out of breath, comes rushing into the office
      where Natalie works. She is very surprised. He puts
      the flowers down on her desk.
                              PETER
                These are for you... I'm not
                supposed to leave the office.
                              PETER (CONT'D)
                They think I'm in the bathroom.
                So I can't stay. 'Bye.
      He dashes back out.   Natalie cracks up, laughing.

123   EXT. AIRPORT - DAY                                      123
      Jack is running on the tarmac; he quickly mounts the
      stairs to his plane as he waves a heartrending goodbye
      to a young woman he's left behind in the airport. At
      the top step, he bumps into another young woman: it's

                                                                   124.

      love at first sight.

124   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                   124
      Michael is in bed. It's noon, the sun's shining
      brightly, and a BLONDE is asleep beside him. Michael
      is on the phone.
                              MICHAEL
                Peter? Yeah? What? Yow-ee!
                Hooray! Terrific! That's
                fantastic! I'll call Jack --
                We're gonna celebrate tonight!
      He hangs up.   The Blonde is now awake.

                                MICHAEL
                They won!    They won!
                                 BLONDE
                Who won?
                                 MICHAEL
                Peter.     He won the competition!
                                 BLONDE
                Great!     Who's Peter?

125   INT. APARTMENT - EVENING                               125
      Peter enters the apartment with Natalie.
      A bunch of crepe paper streamers are hanging in the hall,
      as well as posters with various things written on them:
      PETER'S #1! CONGRATULATIONS, PETER! HURRAY, HURRAY,
      HURRAY!
      Jack comes running in with a bottle of champagne, he
      POPS the CORK.
      Jack hugs Peter tightly as Michael comes in with glasses
      and tries to catch the champagne that's flowing all over.
      They all shout and go bananas celebrating.

126   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 126
      Peter has his arm around Natalie's waist. She's a little
      drunk. He kisses her and leads her into his room, clos-
      ing the door behind him. Michael and Jack, who were
      spying on them, tiptoe over to the door. They are
      silently exulting over Peter's second victory.

127   INT. LOBBY OF OFFICE BUILDING - DAY                    127

                                                                    125.


      Michael enters a fancy building on 5th Avenue.   He's
      carrying a big portfolio and is full of beans.
      In the lobby, he pushes the button for the elevator and
      looks around absentmindedly.

      His gaze suddenly freezes on something.
      By the guard's desk he notices a stroller. Inside, look-
      ing pretty bored, is MARY. Michael is overwhelmed.
      He walks toward Mary and through the sea of people --
      they exchange an intense look.
      He looks around and suddenly sees Sylvia and two men
      deep in discussion coming out of an elevator. Michael,
      startled, runs and hides behind one of the elevators,
      staring out wide-eyed.
      Sylvia is dressed in a very chic, tight black suit, with
      a veiled little black hat and spiked heels. One of the
      men is carrying a bunch of cameras. They walk out
      toward the front door, and Sylvia suddenly stops. She
      seems to have forgotten something. She kisses them
      goodbye and heads toward the elevator. Once she's out
      of their sight, she turns and waits for them to leave.
      When they're gone for sure, she rushes toward Mary and
      showers her with kisses.
                              SYLVIA
                Here you are, my angel... Are you
                okay, honey? Mommy's finished
                now, you've been a very, very
                good girl.
                       (to Guard)
                Thanks a lot for looking after
                her.
                              GUARD
                Oh, she's been great!
      She wheels the stroller over to the door and quickly
      takes off her high heels, and her hat, and stuffs them
      into a big bag. She takes out a pair of old shoes and
      a comfortable jacket, and slips them on. She removes
      the pins from her hair -- she looks like her normal self
      again.
      She leaves, pushing the stroller out the door.
      Michael stands frozen.

128   INT. HOTEL - NIGHT                                      128
      Jack, in the corridor of a large modern hotel somewhere

                                                                    126.

      in the world. He is full of energy and playful excite-
      ment. He's with a few of his colleagues, both men and
      women. They say good night to each other.
      Everyone goes into his or her own room.

      Jack's the last one, he goes into his room alone. His
      smile drops. For a moment he stands there just looking.
      He sits down on the bed: on the pillow is a little
      chocolate Santa Claus with a card that reads "Merry
      Christmas. The Marriott Hotels." Jack contemplates
      it forlornly.

129   INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - NIGHT                             129

      Michael and Sophia, both in kimonos, are sitting in
      front of the last bits of an elegant midnight supper,
      in Michael's room. The bed in unmade.
      Sophia, a glass of champagne in her hand, is yakking
      away nonstop, like a real motor-mouth.
      Michael, silent, is doodling on a paper napkin.
      His pen is making little squares and circles; the circles
      come together and start looking like a baby lying in a
      crib.
      Sophia is absorbed in her monologue.
      Suddenly Michael realizes what he has drawn. He crumples
      the napkin and throws it in the wastebasket. Sophia
      hasn't noticed anything. Michael is bored stiff.

130   INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT                                  130
      Peter comes home with Natalie.   They take off their
      coats. They look tired.
                              NATALIE
                       (in a bad mood)
                Oh, my feet are killing me!
      She takes off her shoes and collapses in the armchair in
      the hall. There is a LOUD SQUEAKING noise.
      She reaches underneath her and brings out a rubber
      giraffe.
                              NATALIE
                What the hell is this? Oh, it's
                a giraffe...
                       (tosses it away
                        and walks off)
                ... Oh, by the way, have you

                                                                   127.

                heard anything about that kid,
                you know, the one you had here
                for a while?
      Peter stares at the giraffe, horrified. He feels the
      tears coming to his eyes. Grabbing the giraffe, he
      hurls it with all his might against the wall.

131   INT. PLANE - DAY                                       131
      Jack's in his plane, at the controls, waiting for
      takeoff. He's daydreaming. His CO-PILOT comes in and
      joins him.
                              CO-PILOT
                Hey, what's the matter with you?
                              JACK
                Whadda you mean, what's the matter
                with me?
                                CO-PILOT
                Are you sick?
                                JACK
                Me?   No.   I'm fine.
                              CO-PILOT
                C'mon, Jack! Didn't you see
                who we've got on board today?
                              JACK
                Sure I did, why?
                              CO-PILOT
                Well... look...
                              JACK
                       (turning around
                        to look)
                So it's the Rockettes, so what?
                              CO-PILOT
                And you're just sitting there
                like that?
                              JACK
                Whaddaya mean, sitting there?
                I happen to be getting ready to
                fly this airplane.
                              CO-PILOT
                Okay, forget it.

132   INT. APARTMENT - DAY                                   132

                                                          128.


Jack, alone in his room, with his back to us, is facing
his full-length mirror.
He's looking at himself, with one fist on his hip and
the other hand clutching a half-empty bottle of scotch.
He observes himself and slowly turns around -- we can
now see him in profile. His hair is disheveled, he's
unshaven, and he's put a pillow underneath his sweater.
He's pregnant. He takes a big swig of scotch. The
DOORBELL RINGS. Jack walks away from the mirror. He
staggers dead drunk. But dignified, pregnant.
Jack opens the door. Standing there is Graton holding
a stuffed animal, a rabbit.

                        GRATON
         Hi...
                        JACK
                 (out of it)
         Hi?
                       GRATON
         Don't you recognize me?
                       JACK
                (in a total fog)
         Wait... uh, no...
                       GRATON
         I'm the one who was tailing you...
         Remember, in the park...
                       JACK
         Oh, yeah, the park... the diaper
         and all...
                       GRATON
         That's it, the diaper... But
         don't worry. This isn't an
         investigation, I left the force
         four months ago, and anyway,
         they've arrested the whole gang
         since then... I just wanted to
         ask you something...
                       JACK
         Have you noticed? I'm pregnant.
                       GRATON
                (neutrally)
         Oh yeah, I see...
                       JACK
         So, shall we go for a walk?

                                                                129.


133   EXT. RIVERSIDE - DAY                                133
      Graton and Jack are sitting on a bench beside the East
      River. Jack, still pregnant, has brought along his
      bottle of scotch, and he takes a swig from it occasion-
      ally. Graton has brought along his rabbit.
                             GRATON
               There's something I have to know...
                             JACK
               Wouldn't you like to be pregnant?
                             GRATON
               What? Oh sure... maybe... no...
               I dunno... Look, there's been
               something bothering me for a long
               time.
                             JACK
               You see, if I was God, and I could
               create the world all over again,
               here's what I would do: I would
               create Adam from Eve's rib, not
               the other way around.
                             GRATON
                      (having trouble
                       following)
               Really?
                             GRATON (CONT'D)
               That's an interesting idea...
               Actually, I just wanted to ask
               you...
                             JACK
               At least that way things would
               have been clearer to begin with,
               y'see. They wouldn't have made
               us believe that somebody could
               come out of our rib, y'know?
               'Cause nothing ever comes out
               of our rib, y'know? Ever. Only
               out of our prick, and even then
               ... Everything still has to be
               done after that.
                             GRATON
                      (very unsure)
               That's for sure...
                             JACK
               What we men know how to make is
               planes, buildings, cars, and all
               that stuff... It's useful, mind

                                                                    130.

                you...
                              GRATON
                It's driving me crazy! This thing
                keeps going around and around in
                my head...

                              JACK
                And you know what, it's not even
                like they wanted us to believe
                it -- it might have been us who
                wanted to believe it... But let's
                face it, nobody comes out of our
                rib...
                              GRATON
                       (dives right in)
                Was the dope in the diaper, yes
                or no?
                              JACK
                Still, that's hard to take, goddam
                it!
                              GRATON
                Was it in the diaper, or not?
                               JACK
                The dope?   It was in the diaper,
                why?
                               GRATON
                       (getting up)
                Oh, thanks a lot. I feel so much
                better now. Here, this is a rabbit
                for your baby.
                       (shakes both Jack's
                        hands)
                Thanks again, 'bye, I'm so happy.
      Graton goes off, floating on cloud nine.
                              JACK
                       (reaching out
                        toward him
                        with the rabbit)
                But wait -- the baby's gone...

134   INT. KITCHEN - MORNING                                  134
      Jack and Michael, slumped in their chairs, are having
      breakfast. It's a gray day. It's POURING out.
      Peter, bending over a bowl of steaming water, with a
      towel over his head, is inhaling the steam. When he
      looks up to speak, we see his swollen tear-streaked

                                                  131.

face.
                         JACK
                  (extremely, in
                   fact, too playful)
           Tomorrow, San Francisco!

                         MICHAEL
                  (grim)
           Say hello to the Pacific for me.
                         JACK
                  (even more playful)
           I'll be back the day after tomorrow.
                         PETER
                  (emerging from the
                   bowl, congested)
           You'll be id a foul bood -- jet
           lag really wipes out you dow.
                         JACK
                  (annoyed)
           Whaddya mean, now?
                         PETER
           Yeah: you didd't used to give a
           shit before, but dow it docks
           you out.
                         JACK
                  (very hostile)
           Before what?
                         PETER
                  (putting his head
                   back over the
                   bowl)
           How would I dow? 'Before,'
           that's all.
                         JACK
                  (on edge)
           It doesn't knock me out at all...
                         MICHAEL
           Is there any jam left?
                         PETER
           Do.
Silence.
                         PETER
           You eatig here todight?
                         JACK

                                                                    132.

                       (playful again)
                No, I'm going to the movies
                tonight with, uh... damn, I can't
                remember her name...
                              MICHAEL
                Y'mean the Japanese one?
                               JACK
                       (suddenly very
                        weary)
                No, she's from Finland. Oh damn
                it. What the hell's her name?
                They've got such weird names...
                Magdalena... no, Marianna... no
                ... oh, I can't remember -- anyway
                it's Ma-something or other...
                                 MICHAEL
                Mary?
      A sudden, weighty silence ensues.
                              PETER
                This fuckig cold! I look like
                I'b cryig all the tibe but I'b
                dot -- it's just this dab cold.
      He gets up and goes out.

135   INT. SYLVIA'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT                  135
      Jack, holding a bouquet of flowers and Graton's rabbit,
      rings the doorbell of an apartment. On the door a card
      reads "SYLVIA AND MARY."
      A chubby YOUNG MAN with thick glasses opens the door.
                               JACK
                Hi.   Is Sylvia in?
                              YOUNG MAN
                No, she'll be back in a couple
                of hours -- around midnight, she
                said...
                               JACK
                        (disappointed)
                Oh.
                              YOUNG MAN
                Wanna come in and wait for her?
                              JACK
                Sure... Why not?

                                                            133.

He follows the Young Man in Sylvia's studio. It's very
messy. On the table there's a big heap of books and
papers. Mary, sitting on the floor, is wearing a diaper
and a sweater, but her legs are bare. She's playing
with an empty pack of cigarettes. She looks at Jack
with a serious, unruffled expression.

                       JACK
         Sylvia doing okay?
                       YOUNG MAN
         I don't know -- I'm a med student.
         I'm just babysitting. I only met
         her a couple hours ago.
                        JACK
         Oh, I see...
Silence. The Young Man sits down at the table and
immerses himself in his books.
Mary doesn't look up from her pack of cigarettes anymore.
                       JACK
         Listen, on second thought, I
         don't think I'll wait for her.
         Just give her this when she gets
         back, okay? And this is for the
         baby.
Jack hands the bouquet and the rabbit to the Young Man,
who plops them down on a chair.
                       YOUNG MAN
         Sure, no problem.
He immerses himself again in his books.
Jack heads toward the door, then turns around.
                       JACK
         Shouldn't the baby be in bed by
         now?
                       YOUNG MAN
         Yeah... I don't know... When I
         put her to bed she cries so I
         just let her stay up...
                       JACK
         Don't you have any tights to put
         on her legs?
                       YOUNG MAN
         Tights?... Well, it's pretty hot
         in here anyway...

                                                                134.

      Jack gets out of there in a hurry.

136   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                              136
      Jack, in his pilot's uniform, is sitting on the living
      room couch. Michael is standing before him.
                              MICHAEL
                You want me to call them?
                               JACK
                No.
                              MICHAEL
                But you've got to let them know!

                              JACK
                No, I'm not going anywhere anymore,
                I've had it with traveling. I
                quit.
                              MICHAEL
                C'mon, I'll call you a cab, you've
                still got time.
                              JACK
                Don't you call anybody.
                              MICHAEL
                But the plane's s'posed to take
                off in half an hour -- They won't
                have time to replace you. This
                is serious -- you'll lose your
                job and you won't be able to pay
                your share of the apartment
                anymore... you...
      Jack takes off his pilot's jacket and throws it aside.
                              JACK
                I'll be a dishwasher, I'll live
                in a flophouse.
                              MICHAEL
                What the hell happened?
                              JACK
                I'm not going, I told you; I'm
                not going ever again. I'm sick
                and tired of traveling, sick and
                tired of broads. They all have
                the same asses and I can't seem
                to love them anyway. I can't
                take another hotel room, and
                swimming pools and trendy
                restaurants! I want to know

                                                                       135.

                what my life's all about. Do
                you know what your life's about,
                Michael?
      Michael has no answer to these questions.     He leaves.


137   INT. APARTMENT - EVENING                                   137
      Michael, wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon,
      goes into Jack's room. The latter, lying on his bed,
      is smoking and staring at the ceiling.
                              MICHAEL
                Come on, I made us a good dinner.
                I bought some filet mignon and
                Haagen-Dazs butter pecan. When
                Peter comes back he'll cheer you
                up...
                              JACK
                He's been here all day.
                                MICHAEL
                He has?    I didn't hear him...
                              JACK
                He's in his room.
                                 MICHAEL
                What?
      Michael heads towards Peter's room.    Jack feebly gets
      up and follows him.
      Michael knocks on the door.     No answer.
                                MICHAEL
                Peter!    Dinner's ready!
      Still no answer. Michael opens the door:      Peter's lying
      face-down on his bed.
      He's holding the rubber giraffe and sobbing. Michael
      and Jack, dismayed, stare at him. Peter hides his face
      in his arm.
      Jack and Michael go to the kitchen and sit down to their
      steaks, totally depressed.

138   INT. APARTMENT - MORNING                                   138
      The DOORBELL RINGS. A bare-chested Michael, in jeans,
      drags himself over to the front door and opens it.
      There stands Sylvia with Mary in her stroller.

                                                         136.

Sylvia is a disheveled mess.
                        SYLVIA
          Is Jack here? 'Cause I'm a mess.
          I can't handle it, I'm all alone...

                         MICHAEL
                  (shouting towards
                   Jack's room)
          Jack!   Jack, c'mere for Chrissake!
                        SYLVIA
          'Cause my place is tiny, y'know,
          and my schedule's insane -- and I
          just finished four days of posing
          and we ended up every day at...

Jack, bare-chested, comes in pulling on his jeans. He
stops short at the front door. Sylvia is about to cry.
                        SYLVIA
                 (to Jack)
          Yeah, y'see, Jack, I just did
          four days of posing...
                         JACK
          Yeah...
                        SYLVIA
          And every day we finished at
          three in the morning and since
          Mary always gets up around 5:30...
                         JACK
          Yeah...
                        SYLVIA
          Well, you can imagine how much
          sleep I've gotten...
                        JACK
          Yeah, of course, 'cause after
          the 5:30 bottle it starts all
          over again around nine...
                        SYLVIA
          And by the time I change her
          and play with her a little, it's
          already eight o'clock...
                        JACK
          And then that's it -- you get
          only an hour of sleep.
                        SYLVIA
          And the babysitters till three
          A.M. -- all my money is sucked

                                                       137.

          down the tubes!
                        JACK
          Plus they don't put the kids to
          bed, they let them lie around
          half-naked...

                        SYLVIA
          Oh, so the flowers and the
          rabbit were from you...
                        JACK
          I could have strangled that guy...
                        SYLVIA
          I mean it, I can't cope anymore.
          My parents and I don't talk to
          each other and anyway they live
          in Texas, and the baby needs to
          get out to the park...
                        MICHAEL
          Yeah, tell me about it! Finding
          time to take her to the park
          every day is a real bitch!
                         SYLVIA
          And I have to work, I need the
          money to survive and anyway I
          love my job...
A distraught Peter, bare-chested and in jeans, comes
running in from his room.
                        SYLVIA
          But to work I've gotta have
          a babysitter, and to have a
          babysitter I need to work,
          so I run around all day...
                 (she sobs)
          ... and I'm not sure I'm
          taking good care of her...
                        PETER
          Of course you're taking good
          care of her -- we know what it's
          like, don't cry, she looks great...
                        SYLVIA
                 (sobbing)
          It's just 'cause I haven't slept
          in four nights -- she must be
          teething or something, I don't
          know but I can't manage...
                        PETER
          Don't worry, it's nothing, she's

                                                              138.

         cutting a tooth -- you just have
         to put some stuff on her gums...
                       MICHAEL
         She pulled the same thing on us.
         We lost all our friends in one
         night -- on account of one tooth!
                          SYLVIA
         And just look    at my face!
         Nobody's going    to want me to
         model for them    with the way my
         face looks...    And what'll happen
         to me if they    don't want me
         anymore?

                       MICHAEL
         But you're beautiful -- At your
         age all you need is a good night's
         sleep and you'll look like new.
                       SYLVIA
         Right, a good night's sleep --
         but when?
                       PETER
         Well, why don't you leave the
         baby with us for a few days,
         till you recuperate... I mean,
         if you want.
                       MICHAEL
         We're old pros -- it's not a
         big deal for us...
                       SYLVIA
                (blowing her nose,
                 wiping her eyes)
         Really? I can leave her with
         you for a little while?
                        JACK
         Of course. Leave her with us.
         Come back whenever you want.
         Get some rest.
Sylvia, between two sobs, picks up a big bag beside her
on the doorstep.
                       SYLVIA
         I brought a couple of things
         for her, just for a few days...
Michael eagerly takes the bag from her.    It's followed by
a second, and then a third.
                          PETER

                                                           139.

                (taking Mary
                 in his arms)
         Is she hungry?
                       SYLVIA
         Yeah, it's time for her bottle
         -- it's all ready in the bag...
                       JACK
         I'll go heat up some water right
         away. Would you like a cup of
         coffee?
                       SYLVIA
         Oh, okay, thanks...

Peter, carrying Mary towards the kitchen, is followed by
Jack and Michael with the bags.
Sylvia blows her nose and walks around aimlessly in the
hall.
In the kitchen the three men bustle about with the bags,
the bottle, the saucepan... They've swallowed all their
pride and are kissing Mary all over, on her neck, her
hands, her tummy. They're deliriously happy. Michael
takes some sheets out of the bag.
                       MICHAEL
         I'll go make up her bed!
He exits, and, once in the corridor, prances around,
leaping and dancing... He gets to the living room and
goes over to the crib: suddenly, he recoils and freezes,
a fearful expression on his face. Then he turns and
races back to the kitchen.
                       MICHAEL
                (floored)
         Hey, you guys -- come and see,
         come and see!
                        PETER
         What?
                       MICHAEL
         Come see, I said.
Jack and Peter nervously follow Michael into the living
room. They stop short in front of the crib: There is
Sylvia, curled up in a fetal position, sucking her thumb
and sleeping like an angel.
                       MICHAEL
         The poor thing, she's really
         wiped out.

                                                               140.

                          JACK
            She'll need two or three months
            to recover, at least... Maybe
            more!
                          PETER
            We could set up a room for her
            here...
                          MICHAEL
            A room for her and a room for
            Mary...
                          JACK
            Then we could have four shifts
            instead of three!

                          PETER
            Yeah, but I don't think she'll
            agree. She's got her own life
            to live.
                          MICHAEL
            Yeah, she probably wouldn't want
            to move here. She'd think we'd
            jump on her any chance we could...
                          JACK
            But we'd make a rule, she'd just
            be 'one of the guys!'
                          MICHAEL
            She'll never want to...
                          SYLVIA
                   (very awake)
            So, I'll take the ten A.M. to three
            P.M. shift... And I'll take every
            other night... plus the walk in
            the park in the afternoon before I
            go to work... and we split the
            rent equally... and I'll just be
            'one of the guys'... deal?
                           PETER, MICHAEL, AND JACK
                    (smiling broadly)
            Deal.
Mary    suddenly comes in from the kitchen, walking unstead-
ily    but determinedly. She's dragging Graton's rabbit by
its    ear. She looks at the four of them and laughs her
head    off.
FREEZE FRAME.

                              END!