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Wild Hogs Movie Script

Writer(s) : Brad Copeland

Genres : Action, Adventure, Comedy

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                                   WILD HOGS



                                   Written by

                                  Brad Copeland






                                                   FIRST DRAFT

                                               REVISED 7/06/05
                         

                         

                         FADE IN:

          INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

          ANGLE ON: BILLY MATTHEWS, 8, ravenously eating a plate
          of hashbrowns, runny fried eggs and syrupy waffles.

          WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
          Doug?...
          We see DOUG MATTHEWS, 40's, sitting across the table,
          staring at his son, Billy. Doug is handsome in that
          honest, sincere way. A guy you would call to help you
          move a couch. He watches Billy scoop up his hashbrowns
          with a frosted pop-tart. Billy catches his Dad's look
          and grins with his mouth full. Doug smiles back, then
          looks down at his own plate. He has scrambled egg whites
          and sliced tomatoes. His smile fades away.

          WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.) (CONT'D)
          Doug?
          Doug snaps out of it and looks up at his wife, KELLY
          MATTHEWS. She's attractive, with a patient smile.

                         KELLY
          I've got some stuff to do for the party
          tomorrow. Can you take Billy to school?

                         DOUG
          What "stuff"? This party isn't going to
          be fancy, is it? Just some friends and a
          wing platter from Costco?

                         KELLY
          It's a our 10th anniversary, Doug. Its
          going to be a nice party with nice food
          and nice music. And wings have carbs, so
          you can't eat them anyway.

                         BILLY

                         (MOUTH FULL)
          I'll eat 'em.
          Doug gives Billy a look.

                         DOUG
          No you won't. Because I'm going to
          scrape the batter off.

                         BILLY
          That doesn't work.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 2.

                         DOUG
          I went to medical school. You think I
          don't know how carbs work?

                         BILLY
          Dentists go to medical school?
          Doug looks a little insulted.

                         KELLY
          Doug, can you take Billy or not?

                         DOUG
          Yeah, I can take him. There aren't any
          emergencies at the office this morning.

                         KELLY
          You have emergencies?

                         DOUG

                         (INDIGNANT)
          Yes, I have emergencies. That's what my
          pager is for. one beep from that thing,
          and bam. I'm off. Like a cheetah.
          Billy, now pouring lucky charms into a bowl, looks up.

                         BILLY

                         (MOUTH FULL)
          The battery ith gone in that thing. You
          took them out for the TV clicker.
          Doug gives Billy a look.

                         DOUG
          I did do that. I forgot about that. I
          need to get some batteries in there.
          Because dentists do have emergencies. We
          are doctors, you know? We take the same
          oath. The oath of saving lives.
          Doug goes to take some of Billy's discarded Lucky Charms.
          Billy swats his hand away.

                         BILLY

                         (MOUTH FULL)
          Uh uh. Carbth.
          Doug nods, defeated, as Billy hops up and dumps the
          remaining lucky charms in the trash.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 3.

          INT. VOLVO - LATER THAT MORNING

          DOUG drives a Volvo station wagon along the streets of
          Cincinnati. BILLY is next to him, in the passenger
          seat, looking bored. Doug notices.

                         DOUG
          You know, I use to race a car like this.
          Put a hemi under the hood... Nobody saw
          me coming.

                         BILLY
          Really?

                         DOUG
          Yup. It could really... smoke some ass.
          Billy raises his eyebrows, impressed. Doug smiles. This
          was a good time to break the "no saying ass" rule.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Yes, sir. They called it the dragon
          wagon. You're lucky to be in here
          without a helmet, pal. We both are.
          Doug downshifts a gear, and the tame engine roars
          artificially. Billy is impressed.

                         BILLY
          Awesome! Hey, can I jam the radio?

                         DOUG
          Heck yeah, you can jam the radio.
          Doug tussles Billy's hair and smiles.

           SMASH CUT TO:

          EXT. TRAFFIC LIGHT - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          The Volvo pulls up to a red light. Radio Disney blares
          "MICKEY LOVES MAMBO" from the stereo. BILLY bobs his
          head along with the music. DOUG looks out the window
          and sees a mid-twenties guy in a Porsche, staring at him.
          Doug nods hello, then awkwardly faces forward.

                         FADE OUT:

          FADE BACK IN ON:

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 4.

          INT. SMALL OFFICE - MORNING


           VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE
          Bob?...
          BOB LEVENSTEIN, 40s, is working at his computer. Bob is
          good enough looking, but with a gawky wimpishness and
          burdened eyes. He tries to ignore the speakerphone.

          VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE (CONT'D)
          Bob!?
          Bob cringes at the shrill, female voice.

                         BOB
          Hey, honey.

          VOICE ON SPEAKERPHONE
          You need to come tell Haley she can't go
          to a party tonight.

                         BOB
          (into speaker phone)
          Well, I'm technically at the office right
          now, so...
          The door behind him flings open, and KAREN LEVENSTEIN,
          attractive and harsh-looking, steps in holding a phone.

                         KAREN
          Are you kidding me!? You work in our
          guest bedroom, not an office.

                         BOB
          I know, I was just trying to make this

                         DEADLINE--

                         KAREN
          Yeah, and I have to go to a job that
          actually makes us money, Bob. So, get
          out here and tell Haley she's not going
          anywhere!
          Bob nods obediently and hurries out of the room.

          INT. BOB'S HOUSE / KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER

          Bob enters the kitchen. His five year-old daughter,
          CLAIRE, wearing a dance leotard, walks up to him and
          smiles.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 5.

                         CLAIRE
          Hey, Daddy. Listen.
          (screams at the top of her

                         LUNGS)

                         EEEEEIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA1
          Bob winces, and looks around for his other daughter.

          SFX: PHONE RINGS
          Bob reaches for it, but his other teenage daughter,
          HALEY, runs in, wearing a denim mini-skirt and Ugg boots.

                         HALEY
          No!! Don't touch that! It's Julien!
          Haley snatches the phone away from Bob.

                         BOB
          Actually, I need to talk to you--

                         HALEY

                         (IGNORING BOB)
          Hey, Julien. Yeah, totally. I'll
          probably just drop by and chill.

                         BOB
          If that's about the party, you--

                         HALEY
          Dad! I'm talking, here. God!
          Haley storms out of the room. Bob goes to say something,
          but CLAIRE enters and looks up at him.

                         CLAIRE

                         (SCREAMING AGAIN)
          Eeeeeeeiiiiiaaaaa!!
          Bob just stares at her, as Karen enters the Kitchen.

                         KAREN
          (yelling above Claire)
          Did you talk to her? Tell me you talked
          to her. God! I have to do everything!
          Just get Claire to ballet. She's late.

                         BOB
          Well, I really have to finish my--

                         KAREN
          Your little article for the "Web"
          magazine, Bob?

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 6.

                         KAREN (CONT'D)
          I have a shareholder meeting. And we
          agreed that my career would be the
          priority, and you would work out of the
          house. You might not like it, but my job
          is higher paying. And I don't see you
          complaining about that hundred dollar
          shirt you're wearing.
          Bob looks down at his too-hip dress shirt.

                         BOB
          You bought this shirt for me. I was fine
          with my t-shirts--

                         KAREN
          Oh, you don't like the shirt now? Fine.
          Take it off.

                         BOB
          What?

                         KAREN
          Take it off! You don't want to wear nice
          things, don't. Off!
          Bob sighs and takes the shirt off. Karen snatches it
          from him.

                         KAREN (CONT'D)
          Now take Claire to her ballet class.
          It's starts in five minutes.

                         BOB
          Well, I have to get another--

                         KAREN
          Go! Five minutes!
          Karen pushes Bob out the door, with Claire skipping
          happily behind him.

          INT. BOB'S CAR - A MOMENT LATER

          Bob sits in the car, SHIRTLESS, next to Claire. He looks
          over at her, and notices a pink hoodie in her lap.

                         BOB
          You going to wear that?

                         CLAIRE
          For five dollars, I'm not.
          Bob sighs and reaches for his wallet.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 7.

          INT. CHILDREN'S DANCE STUDIO - FIVE MINUTES LATER

          A bunch of kids in dance leotards are starting a class.
          Claire comes running into the group, as Bob enters behind
          her, wearing the pink hoodie. It's way too small, and
          doesn't quite cover his belly. He sits with the parents
          and nods awkwardly to them. It's embarrassing.

          FADE TO BLACK:

          FADE BACK IN ON:

          INT. MODERN HOUSE - MORNING

          We see the pristine living room of an expensive,
          architectural house.

          MALE VOICE (O.C.)
          Woody.

                         (GETTING ANGRY)
          Woody Stevens!
          We see WOODY STEVENS, 40s, handsome, but with shifty eyes
          and a Michael Keaton hairline, walk through the stylish
          house speaking into a cordless headset.

                         WOODY
          .No, you listen to me. You're not
          going to push me around. We agreed on a
          price, and that's the price I'll pay. If
          you don't like it, walk away... but you
          can kiss your business good bye, because
          that's what happens when you screw with
          Woody Stevens. You go down. Hard.
          As Woody talks, he passes by framed magazine covers of a
          beautiful model, (CLAUDIA) as well as some pictures of
           his wedding day with her, their exotic vacations, and one
           blownup glamour shot of Woody, shirtless, oiled and
          holding a greasy wrench.

                          WOODY (CONT'D)
           .No, money's not the problem (LAUGHS)
          Money's never a problem. You just need
          to honor the correct price. Got it?
          Woody gets his answer, and angrily throws the headset
          down on a stack of moving boxes. He marches to the front
          door and throws it open.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 8.

          EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

          Woody yells out the front door.

                         WOODY
          .Then go home, Toby! You make me sick!
          ANGLE ON: The front yard. A ten-year-old boy is
          standing with a rake, surrounded by leaves. He clicks
          off his cellphone and shrugs.

                         TOBY
          I can't do this many leaves for ten
          bucks! It'll take two hours!

                         WOODY
          Well, you should have thought of that
          before you put the "any yard for ten
          bucks" flyer on the telephone pole.
          You're done on this block, now. And that
          goes for your band fund-raisers, too.
          I'm not buying any candy bars no matter
          what parade you dorks have to get to!
          Woody slams the door closed. Toby kicks at a pile of
          leaves, then starts home.

                         FADE OUT:

          FADE BACK IN ON:

          INT. CLUTTERED OFFICE - MORNING

          We see an office crowded with disassembled Apple
          computers, motherboards, and abandoned monitors.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Dudley?
          ANGLE ON: DUDLEY FRANK (late 30s), an odd-looking, curly-
          haired guy with black plastic glasses that are slightly
          too big for his face. He stares at a computer in front
          of him.

                         DUDLEY
          Yeah, hey, Mac. How's it go--

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          It is now nine o'clock am.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 9.

                         DUDLEY
          Thanks, Mac. Open internet, okay?
          A pause.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Command unknown.

                         DUDLEY
          Mac. Open. Internet.
          A pause.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          It is now nine o'clock am.

                         DUDLEY
          Alright, Mac. I'll show you.
          Dudley clicks a few keys and nods satisfactorily.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Internet open.
          Dudley laughs good-naturedly.

                         DUDLEY
          Right, because I just opened it.

                         (SIGHS)
          I guess I need to research alternative
          specs.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Searching "alternative sex."

                         DUDLEY
          What? No!
          Dudley jumps forward and starts hitting the keys.

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Two million websites found.

                         DUDLEY
          I didn't want to search that! I said
          specs... "all the data to be compiled."

                         COMPUTER VOICE
          Searching "sex all the day with child."

                         DUDLEY
          Ahhh, No!!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 10.
          Dudley frantically starts ripping the power wires out of
          the computer. The monitor goes dark. Dudley touches it
          sadly, then looks over at a cat sitting on the edge of
          the desk.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)

                         (TO CAT)
          Looks like it's still just you and me,
          icat.
          Dudley reaches out to pet the cat. It hisses at him
          angrily, and he quickly pulls his hand back.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Sorry.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DOUG MATTHEW'S OFFICE - THAT AFTERNOON

          DOUG, now in his lab coat, sits at his desk, playing with
          a model of a mouth. The phone rings and Doug answers it.

                         DOUG

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hey, honey.
          INTERCUT WITH KELLY: On the phone at home.

                         KELLY
          You busy?

                         DOUG
          Me? Oh, yeah. I've got a mouth right
          here in front of me.
          Doug takes a dental tool and hammers on the plastic
          mouth.

                         KELLY
          Don't they mind you being on the phone?

                         DOUG
          Well, it's not attached to a head,
          really. More research.
          Doug hits the mouth too hard and all the teeth fall out.
          He fumbles to stop them from scattering everywhere.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 11.

                         KELLY
          Oh. Well, I just wanted to tell you I
          found a great rate for the Ritz-Carlton
          tomorrow night. I Thought it might be
          romantic. Mom can stay here with Billy.

                         DOUG
          I don't know. Do you think we really
          need to stay at a hotel? I mean, Billy
          has his own room. Why don't we just buy
          new sheets? Like, hotel-colored ones.
          It'll be like the Ritz, but we won't have
          to pay to make phone calls!

                         KELLY

                         DOUG--

                         DOUG
          What? I'm just saying--
          Suddenly, the speaker comes on overhead.

          VOICE ON SPEAKER
          Dr. Matthews? Patient emergency in room
          eight.
          Doug snaps to attention.

                         DOUG
          Emergency?

                         (INTO PHONE)
          I've got to go! Emergency!
          Doug jumps out of his seat and scrambles over his desk
          and out the door.

          INT. DENTAL EXAM ROOM - A SECOND LATER

          Doug flies into an exam room, where a hygienist, DANA, is
          looking into a male patient's mouth.

                         DANA
          Doctor Matthews. Finally. Take a look
          at this.
          Doug looks in the man's mouth and nods.

                         DOUG
          Acute molar abscess. That's going to
          need emergency surgery.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 12.

                         DANA
          That's what I thought. Thank God you got
          here.

                         DOUG
          Yeah.

                         (BEAT)
          Well, let's send him over to an
          Orthopedic surgeon.

                         DANA
          Absolutely. Thanks, doctor.
          Doug nods. He looks around for something else to do, but
          there's nothing. He moves a dental tool away from the
          edge of a tray, smiles politely and exits.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. DOUG'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

          DOUG, looking depressed, pulls into the driveway. He
          looks over and sees BILLY and three of his friends
          shooting baskets. He smiles, gets out of the car and
          struts over.

                         DOUG

                         (TO KIDS)
          Yo! Matthews is open.
          Billy looks up and cringes a little bit, but passes the
          ball to DOUG. Doug dribbles it under his leg and charges
          the basket.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Taking it into the paint. Who's got the
          D? Whoop, too late, dudes! Booya!
          Doug jumps up to slam the ball, but only hammers it into
          the rim. The rim clangs loudly and the ball goes flying
          backwards. Billy's friends laugh a little. Doug
          notices.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Well, that's not really my shot. I
          usually hit from downtown, you know?
          Doug grabs the ball out of the bushes and dribbles back
          to the three point line.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 13.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          That's where the big games get won. Back
          here from the three--
          Doug swivels, jumps up and releases the ball. It heads
          towards the basket, then falls down five feet before it.
          It looks more like a pass than a shot. Billy hangs his
          head, humiliated.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          That was a pass, dudes!
          It wasn't.
          Doug nods with false confidence to the kids, stands there
          awkwardly for a moment, then quietly heads inside.

          INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER

          DOUG enters and finds KELLY. She smiles and kisses him.

                         KELLY
          Hey, honey. Snack?
          Kelly hands Doug a sandwich bag of celery. He looks over
          to the table, where Kelly has laid out Ritz crackers
          covered in cheez whiz, for the kids. Doug puts the bag
          of celery down.

                         DOUG
          I'm okay. I think I'm just going to go
          meet the guys for a beer.

                         KELLY

                          
          Okay. Lite beer, if you want to stick to
          that diet.

                         DOUG

                          
          Right. Yes. Lite beer. No carbs. Just
          delicious beer... water.
          Doug smiles and heads upstairs. Kelly looks concerned.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. DOUG'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER

          Doug enters his bedroom and shuts the door behind him.
          He sits down on the bed and lets out a long sigh.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 14.
          After a moment, he gets up and walks over to the closet.
          He opens it and we see: A leather biker jacket, leather
          chaps, boots, gloves, a black "half-helmet," etc. For
          the first time, we see a genuine smile come over Doug's
          face.

          MUSIC CUE: IGGY POP'S "REAL WILD ONE (WILD CHILD)"

          EXT. DOUG'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          The garage door on Doug's house rolls open like a theater
          curtain, and Doug, wearing the full leather biker getup,
          idles out of the garage on a gleaming, chromed-out Harley
          Davidson Fatboy. He looks around the neighborhood
          cockily, smiles, then kicks the bike into gear and rides
          into the street. The camera rotates around him and comes
          to rest on the back of his jacket, where we see a large
          patch that reads "Wild Hogs." The camera ZOOMS IN ON
          THIS, and it becomes:

                         TITLE CARD

          MUSIC CUE CONTINUES OVER FOLLOWING SCENES:

          EXT. BOB LEVENSTEIN'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

          BOB creeps through the living room. From the kitchen, we
          can hear KAREN, HALEY and CLAIRE screaming things at him,
          about him, etc. He just tip-toes to the hall closet and
          opens the door. We don't see what's in it, but see Bob
          smile the same way Doug did, and...

          SMASH CUT TO:

          EXT. BOB'S DRIVEWAY - A MINUTE LATER

          BOB, in leather biker gear, rolls out of his garage on
          another shimmering Harley Davidson. He looks around
          through his mirrored aviator sunglasses like a complete
          bad ass. He looks down the street and spots DOUG, riding
          towards him. Bob rides down the driveway and joins
          alongside Doug. They nod silently to each other and tap
          fists like the toughest guys in the world. We see Bob is
          also wearing a "Wild Hogs" jacket.

          EXT. WOODY'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

          WOODY walks through the courtyard, and into a pristine
          garage.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 15.
          He passes by a BMW 645, several stacks of labelled moving
          boxes, and finally a beautiful Harley Davidson Softail
          Anniversary Edition.
          A MINUTE LATER, Woody pulls onto the street on his
          Harley. DOUG and BOB turn the corner and nod to him.
          Woody nods back, revs his engine, and joins alongside
          them.

          EXT. DUDLEY'S COMPUTER-CLUTTERED GARAGE - SAME TIME

          We see a garage crowded with disassembled Apple
          computers, printers, and a Harley Davidson Sportster.
          Out walks DUDLEY, who's biker outfit doesn't quite mesh
          with his thick-lensed eyeglasses.
          Dudley cockily pulls on a "Wild Hogs" jacket, kick starts
          the motorcycle, presses a button to open the garage door,
          and rides the motorcycle out. However, as he gets
          halfway out of the garage, the garage door catches on
          something, and snaps back down. It clotheslines Dudley
          off the bike, which rolls down the driveway and into some
          garbage cans. Dudley lays in the driveway, staring up at
          the sky with a pained look on his face.

          EXT. DUDLEY'S DRIVEWAY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride towards Dudley's house, but find
          DUDLEY sitting in his driveway with his arms around his
          knees. He shrugs and motions to his motorcycle - Which
          he has stood back up, but has a bent wheel and smashed
          headlight. Doug and Bob take in the situation and then
          look at Woody. Woody rolls his eyes...

          EXT. STREET - LATER

          DOUG, BOB and WOODY ride along. We see DUDLEY is riding
          bitch on Woody's bike, and Woody doesn't seem thrilled
          about it. The camera pans around and we see they are all
          wearing "Wild Hogs" jackets. And on this, we:

          END MUSIC CUE

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - LATER

          The guys pull up at a biker-theme bar with a motorcycle
          mounted above the entrance.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 16.
          Woody is obviously humiliated to have Dudley behind him,
          as they park the bikes among a crowd of other bikers.
          Dudley climbs off the back of Woody's bike and pats him
          on the shoulder.

                         DUDLEY
          Thanks, Woody. I feel really safe with
          you.

                         WOODY
          I noticed that. And if you ever lay your
          head on my back when you're riding bitch
          again, I'm going to throw you into
          traffic.

                         DUDLEY
          I was trying to keep my face out of the
          wind.

                         WOODY
          I felt you smell my hair!

                         DOUG
          Guys! Come on. Let's go get a brew.
          I'm buying.
          Doug heads into the bar.

                         BOB
          You're cool with the carbs?
          Doug pauses, without turning around.

                         DOUG

                         (MUMBLES)
          I can have a light.
          Doug continues into the bar, but now with less swagger.

          INT. "BYKER'S ISLAND" BIKER BAR - A MOMENT LATER

          The guys are sitting at a worn table. The place is
          crowded with curiously gentle-looking bikers. Woody
          looks around the bar with a smirk.

                         WOODY
          Man, I wish we could find a place that
          wasn't so freaking lame.

                         BOB
          What are you talking about? This place
          is cool. We're with other bikers.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 17.
          Suddenly, a large, bald biker comes up and slams a beer
          down on their table.

                         BALD BIKER

                         (ANGRILY)
          Wild Hogs aren't welcome here!
          The guys all look at him for a beat - then the Bald guy
          cracks a smile.

                         DOUG
          Hey, Paul.
          PAUL laughs at his joke.

                         PAUL
          Hey, guys... Woody, your tax return is
          almost done, but I want to talk to you
          next week about incorporating. A lot of
          my executive clients have been--

                         WOODY
          Yeah, Paul. I'll talk to you about it on
          the trip.

                         PAUL
          Yeah, we'll talk about in Daytona.
          (angrily, to group)
          What the hell are you staring at!?
          Paul glares at the other guys for a beat, then cracks up.

                         PAUL (CONT'D)

                         (LAUGHING)
          See you guys.
          Paul exits. Woody shakes his head.

                         WOODY
          This place sucks. Why are we going to
          Daytona with these posers?

                         DOUG
          Because it's Bike Week. That's our
          annual trip, Woody. We're Wild Hogs.

                         WOODY
          We're not Wild Hogs. That's a patch your
          wife made and we all had to sew it on our
          jackets so she didn't feel bad.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 18.

                         DOUG
          Hey! She took an embroidery class for
          those. What has your wife ever made us?

                         BOB

                         (QUIETLY)
          Hard.

                         WOODY
          Hey!?

                         BOB
          Sorry. I didn't... Don't tell her.

                         DOUG
          It's not a big secret, Bob. She's a
          swimsuit model. She's hot. I mean, so
          is my Kelly. She's very hot. Even after
          ten years. Not that I'm not still good
          looking...
          Doug looks at the guys. They don't respond.

                         WOODY
          We're not going to say you're hot, man.

                         DOUG
          Because it's gay, or because I'm not?

                         WOODY
          There's no non-gay response to that.

                         DUDLEY

                         (TO DOUG)
          If I were a girl, I'd be attracted to
          you.

                         WOODY
          Point proven.

                         BOB
          Well, Kelly must still think you're hot.
          Ten years, man. How's that feel?

                         DOUG
          I don't know. Good, I guess. Is ten the
          silver anniversary?

                         DUDLEY
          No, that's the 25th. Ten is aluminum.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 19.

                         DOUG
          Aluminum? Like, siding?
          (considers, then)
          Yeah, that feels about right. Aluminum
          is sturdy, lightweight... recycled.
          Woody smiles and puts a map down on the table.

                         WOODY
          --And ready for the trip of a lifetime.
          The guys look at the map, puzzled.

                         DOUG
          We don't need a map for Daytona. We just
          follow the group.
          Woody takes a drink from his beer, then looks at the
          group with a mischievous fire behind his eyes.

                         WOODY
          Not if we don't go on the Daytona trip.

                         DOUG
          What?

                         DUDLEY
          Noooo!!

                         WOODY
          Guys, listen to me. It's time for a
          change. Let's go on our own trip this
          year. Just us, like it was in college.
          Forget these guys. Forget Daytona beach.
          Bike Week is just corporate white guys
          playing dress up. This bar is, too. And
          we didn't get into this to play dress up -
          we got in this to live. "Be cool and
          Ride free." That's the Wild Hog creed.

                         DOUG
          No, it's not. It's the slogan for the
          Downtown trolley.

                         WOODY
          I know. But, it works as our creed, too.
          So let's live it!

                         DUDLEY
          But, I boogie board in Daytona. Can't
          our creed be "Be cool and boogie board?"

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 20.

                         WOODY
          No. That's dumb, Dudley. Let the big
          people talk.

                         DOUG
          Well, what kind of trip are you
          suggesting? Another bike week somewhere?

                         WOODY
          No. That's the best part. We don't do
          some planned out trip. We follow the
          open road. U.S. 50. The backbone of
          America. We take a week and go all the
          way to San Francisco. Think about it,
          guys. Camping out, stopping wherever we
          want, whenever we want... Just freedom.
          When was the last time we had that?
          The guys consider this, but look sceptical.

                         BOB
          I don't know, man.

                         WOODY
          You're afraid to ask your wife.

                         BOB

                         (COVERING)
          No...

                         WOODY

                         (TO DOUG)
          What do you think?

                         DOUG
          Well, Daytona isn't the "backbone of
          America," but it is a tradition. We've
          been riding with this club for years. Do
          we really want to miss out on that?
          One of the bikers, KENT, approaches carrying a box.

                         KENT
          Hey, dudes. Check these out.
          Kent holds up a sleeveless t-shirt with a big cartoon guy
          on a motorcycle - with the words "Born to Be Wild!
          Daytona ride, 2005." It's horrifying.

                          KENT (CONT'D)
          We're all going to wear these on the
          trip.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 21.

                         KENT (CONT'D)
          That way everyone will know we're from
          the Cincinnati chapter. It'll also get
          you ten percent off at T.G.I.Fridays.

                         DUDLEY
          Cool! Born to be wild!
          Dudley grabs a shirt and starts to pull it over the t-
          shirt he already has on. Woody gives a look to Bob and
          Doug.

                         DOUG
          Look, We'll talk about it tomorrow. But
           we don't need some trip to go "live." We

                          
           are living. Free and wild.

           SMASH CUT TO:

          INT. DOUG'S HOUSE - THE NEXT EVENING

           The anniversary party is in full swing. DOUG is watching

                          
          several guests dish steaming pasta and cream sauce out of
          a chaffing dish. He looks down at his plate of field
          greens and skinless chicken breast.

                         DOUG

                         (TO HIMSELF)
          Free and wild.
          Doug looks around the party. Several middle-aged couples
          are dancing on the living room floor. Others mingle,
          laughing... Everyone is having a great time, except Doug,
          who stands there, listless.
          Kelly walks up and kisses him on the cheek.

                         KELLY

                          
          Hey, sweetie. Having fun?

                          

                         DOUG

                          
          Yeah. It's getting pretty late, though.

                          
          Maybe we should kill the music. Drop a

                          
          hint.

                          

                         KELLY

                          
          It's eight O'Clock. It started at seven.

                         DOUG
          oh.

                         (THEN)
          Still, that's late. We should just
          flicker the lights on and off. People
          will get it.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 22.

                         KELLY
          People are having fun. Look at the
          Miltons.
          ANGLE ON: THE LIVING ROOM. A happy-looking couple, THE
          MILTONS, are dancing around to Prince's "1999." Doug 
          laughs. 

                         DOUG 
          Oh, man. There should be laws against 
          that... Is Fred having a seizure? 

                         KELLY 
          No, Fred's having a good time. With his 
          wife. Remember what that was like? 

                         DOUG
          Hey, we have fun all the time. But I'm
          not going to let myself look like that.
          He wears dress socks with shorts, too.
          I've seen it. Do you want me to do that?

                         KELLY 
          I don't care. Why do you? 
          Doug searches for a response, as ROGER, 70, Kelly's Dad, 
          clinks his wine glass at the front of the room. 

                         ROGER 
          Excuse me, everybody. I have a little 
          toast. For my daughter and her husband. 
          Roger winks at Doug and Kelly. Doug smiles weakly. 

                         DOUG 
          (sotto, to Kelly) 
          He's drunk. We should do something. 

                         ROGER 
          I want to start by saying how proud I am 
          of my son-in-law. 

                         DOUG 
          (sotto, to Kelly) 
          --No, he's fine. Let him talk. 

                         ROGER
          Now, I have to make an admission. Ten
          years ago, when Doug and Kelly got
          married. I was worried. Doug was a
          little wild...
          The guests laugh. Doug gives an unsure chuckle.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 23.

                         ROGER (CONT'D)
          I mean, he had that old trans-am with the
          huge engine... Remember how he'd peel
          out of anywhere? Even the grocery
          parking lot after buying baby formula?
          The guests laugh again. Now Doug isn't.

                         ROGER (CONT'D)
          Or the way he'd just grab Kelly and run
          off to some crazy island to snorkel with
          something that thinks you're lunch.

                          
          The guests continue to laugh. Kelly looks at Doug, now.

                          
          She sees this is landing on him. He's getting upset.

                         ROGER (CONT'D)
          But, not anymore. He's now become the
          son-in-law I would have always hoped for.
          Responsible, reliable, and a great
          husband to my daughter. So cheers to--

                         DOUG
          No, no. No cheers-- Because that wasn't
          an accurate toast. I'm still the same,
          shitty son-in-law I used to be.

                          
          The guests laugh. They think he's joking.

                          

                         ROGER

                          
          Come on, Doug. You should be proud!

                          
          You've grown up! Cheers!

                          
          The guests nod and clink their glasses. Doug shakes his

                          
          head.

                          

                         DOUG

                          
          Grown up? No, I haven't. I'm still

                          
          young. No cheers! Stop clinking!

                          

                         KELLY

                          
          Doug, stop it. You're being rude.

                          

                         DOUG

                          
          Well, tell them I'm the same as I used to

                          
          be, Kelly. Tell your Dad not to like me.

                         KELLY
          You're not the same, Doug. The old Doug
          wouldn't have made fun of Fred Milton for
          dancing, because he would have been out
          there dancing himself. With me.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 24.

                         DOUG
          So what are you saying?

                         KELLY
          I'm saying you have changed. And
          frankly, i don't like it. I like you the
          way you were. I liked it when you
          weren't afraid of looking stupid. I
          liked it when we laughed. I liked it
          when we danced.

                         DOUG
          Hey, I'll dance! It's just this music is
          lame. People like me need a fresh beat!
          Doug walks over to the stereo and changes the station.
          "Cand Sho " h y-50 Cent starts playing. Doug nods along
          with the beat, as the guests all now stare at him.

                          DOUG (CONT'D)
           (yelling over music)
           Awwww, yeah. This is the shit! It ain't
           1980 anymore, man. Yeah!

                          (SINGS ALONG)
           I take you to the... Andy shop--
           Doug tries to confidently sing along, but struggles 
           awkwardly, as he's obviously never heard the song before. 

                          KELLY 
           (urging, to Doug) 
           Honey, stop it. You're being an ass. 

                          DOUG 
           What!? I thought this was what you 
           wanted? I'm dancing!
           Doug starts grinding and shimmying to the beat. Kelly 
          grits her teeth. 

                          DOUG (CONT'D) 
           Come on, baby! Just because we're 
           married ten years doesn't mea n we're old 
           people. Let's dance! It fee ls goooood! 
           Doug makes another spastic dance move, then suddenly 
          grimaces and grabs his chest.

                          DOUG (CONT'D)
           Nope, that feels bad--

                          KELLY
           Doug? What's wrong? Are you okay? 

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 25.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. I'm just-- Ow: That's-- Yeah, I
          should go to the hospital--
          Doug staggers across the carpet as people run to help
          him.

                         KELLY
          Doug!?

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - AN HOUR LATER

          Doug is in a bed, with Kelly next to him. A DOCTOR
          enters with a chart.

                         DOCTOR
          Well, Mr. Matthews--

                         DOUG
          Dr. Matthews, actually.

                         DOCTOR
          Oh, really? Great. Then, I can say this
          a lot easier. You had a hypertensive
          myocardial seizure.
          Doug nods confidently, then, after a moment:

                         DOUG

                         (DEFEATED)
          I'm a dentist, actually... I have no
          idea what you just said.

                         DOCTOR
          Oh. Sorry. It looks like you had a
          stress-induced panic attack.

                         DOUG
          Stress-induced? I'm not stressed.

                         DOCTOR
          Well, it's probably been pretty buried. I
          actually see it a lot with middle-aged men.
          Work, family, it can take a toll on you.

                         DOUG
          I'm not middle-aged.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 26.

                         DOCTOR
          Yeah, I see that a lot, too. Anyway. We
          should have you out of here soon.
          The doctor smiles and exits the room. Kelly looks at
          Doug.

                         DOUG
          I am middle aged, aren't I?

                         KELLY
          Only mathematically.
          Doug takes this in.

                         KELLY (CONT'D) 
          Doug, Let me ask you a question. When
          was the last time you sang a Bon Jovi
          song?

                         DOUG
          What?

                         KELLY
          You used to sing Bon Jovi songs at the
          top of your lungs. Like you didn't care
          who heard you, or how dopey it sounded.

                          
          Then one day, you just stopped. That's

                          
          how it's been with everything. Romance,
          sense of humor, the way you used to give
          me that cocky little wink when you took

                          
          off your shirt... It's all faded away,

                          
          leaving just a shell of what you used to

                          
          be. Why? Why no more Bon Jovi songs?

                         DOUG
          I don't know. There's just a lot
          weighing me down these days, you know?

                         KELLY
          Like what? You have a great career, a

                          
          perfect family. Money is fine. The only

                          
          thing that could be weighing you down is

                          
          me. Is it me? Are you tired of me?

                         DOUG

                          
          No! of course, not. I could never be

                         TIRED OF--
          Doug stops himself, as it dawns on him. You can see the
          horror of realization creep across his face. He looks at
          Kelly, wide-eyed.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 27.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (REALIZING)
          It's me. I'm weighing me down. I'm not
          a guy I'd hang out with anymore, I'm...
          Me. What's cool about me? I don't even
          eat carbs. 

                         KELLY
          Then eat them. I'd rather have you sing 
          than have a thirty-four waist. 

                         DOUG 
          I still have a thirty-- 

                         KELLY
          No, you don't, Doug. I buy your pants.

                         (THEN)
          Look. We've been married ten years. And
          personally, I'd like to be married fifty
          more, but if you stay like this...
          Then... I don't know...

                         DOUG
          We are going to be married fifty more
          years, Kelly. I'm going to find old
          Doug. I just have to figure out where to
          look.
          Kelly takes a breath, and pulls out a map. She hands it 
          to Doug, who looks at it. 

                         DOUG (CONT'D) 
          Woody's map? 

                         KELLY 
          I took it away from him at the party. He 
          wouldn't stop waving it at Bob and 
          Dudley. 

                         DOUG 
          I thought you agreed it was a bad idea. 

                         KELLY
          It might be. But I'm desperate, Doug. I
          want us to be happy again. So go on it.
          It's my anniversary present to you.

                         DOUG
          Really?
          (considers, then)
          I only got you an ankle bracelet.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 28.

                         KELLY
          All I want is old Doug back. Please.
          This marriage can't survive without him. 
          Doug takes this in, and smiles at her. She's a good
          wife, and he knows it. Suddenly, BOB enters the room.

                         BOB
          Doug! Are you okay?

                         DOUG
          Yeah, I'm okay. Just stress.

                         BOB
          Oh, man. Thank god.

                         KELLY

                         (TO BOB)
          Where's Karen?

                         BOB
          Oh, she's waiting in the parking--
          SFX: A loud honk from the parking lot.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          That's her.
          Bob looks out the window nervously. Kelly looks at Doug.

                         KELLY
          You all need this trip.
          Doug gives her a knowing nod, then turns to Bob.

                         DOUG
          Bob. Let's forget about Daytona Bike
          week. Let's ride across U.S. 50.

                         BOB
          Yeah? Are you sure? I mean, We'll be
          leaving behind everything we're used to.
          SFX: The horn honks again from outside.

          KAREN (O.C.)
          (yelling from parking lot)
          Bob!? You said two minutes! I'm not
          circling!!
          Bob cringes. Doug shares a look with Kelly, then to Bob:

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 29.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. I think that might be okay.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. STREET - THE NEXT WEEK

          DOUG is riding his Harley, which is loaded with gear
          (sleeping bag, spare gas tank, saddle bags). He
          approaches a freeway entrance ramp, where WOODY and
          DUDLEY and BOB are waiting on their bikes, next to an
          entrance ramp sign that reads: U.S. Highway 50. The guys
          all tap fists, then notice Dudley is grinning ear to ear.

                         WOODY

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          What? What's wrong with you?

                         DUDLEY
          I got a tat.

                         BOB
          A tattoo? You got a tattoo?

                         DUDLEY
          I'm a biker, dude! I got a tat!
          Dudley yanks his jacket down to his elbows and we see he
          is wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath. On his bicep
          is a tattoo of the Macintosh Apple. The guys nod, trying
          to look impressed.

                         DOUG
          Wow. That's...

                         DUDLEY
          Trademarked, I know. But what are they
          going to do? It's in my skin, bitch!
          Dudley laughs and pulls on his jacket, as Woody ties a
          bandana skull-cap on his head. The guys look at Woody.

                         DOUG
          You're not wearing a helmet?

                         WOODY
          Nape. I don't want anything between me
          and the road, man.

                         DOUG
          You will if your head falls on it.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 30.
          Woody shrugs and starts his bike.

                         WOODY
          Look, the only rule on this trip is to
          have no plan. We're riding to San
          Francisco, and nothing else is planned.
          Just riding free.

                         DOUG
          Well, if we're going to make it in five
          days, we'll should probably get to
          Illinois by tonight.

                         BOB
          Yeah, the way I mapped it out - we should
          be a hundred miles past St. Louis by
          sundown.

                         WOODY
          What? No. No plan. It's the open road.
          Who knows where we'll be.

                         DOUG
          I do. I have this little GPS system.
          Doug shows them a handheld GPS system. Woody grabs it
          and throws it into a storm drain.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Hey! What the hell, man? That was
          expensive!

                         WOODY
          I did it for the good of the trip, Doug.
          You don't need GPS to discover America.
          We just need the wind, our bikes, and
          freedom. And if we have an emergency, I
          always have a cell phone--
          Woody takes out a cellphone. Doug grabs it and throws it
          in the storm drain.

                         DOUG
          Hah! How's that feel?
          Woody gives Doug a long look, then slowly smiles.

                         WOODY
          It felt good. It felt damn good.

                         (ANNOUNCES)
          No cell phones!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 31.

                         DOUG

                         (WORRIED)
          What?

                         BOB
          He's right, Doug. Wild Hogs!
          Bob takes his cellphone and throws it in the storm drain.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          You just did that so Karen wouldn't call.

                         BOB
          Yup.
          Bob starts his bike.

                         DOUG
          So we're not even going to talk about
          this? I mean, shouldn't we at least--

                         DUDLEY
          Yeeeeaaah! Freedom!!
          Dudley throws his cellphone, but instead of going into
          the storm drain, it goes flying into traffic and smashes
          against an oncoming pickup truck. We hear the truck
          screech to a stop after it passes them.

                         DOUG

                         (QUICKLY)
          Okay, let's ride!
          The guys all hastily start their bikes and take off up
          the freeway ramp. We hear the truck driver screaming
          profanities as they guiltily ride away.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

          MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT's "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER."
          The four guys ride along the highway, through the hills
          of Indiana, smiling and nodding to each other. It's the
          Easy Rider moment. The camera ROTATES AROUND and PULLS
          OVERHEAD. It's beautiful country and the guys are in
          heaven. Dudley wears a clunky helmet from the eighties,
          as well as World War II motorcycle goggles.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 32.
          A family in a station wagon pulls up to next to them.
          Two kids press their faces against the windows, looking
          at the bikers in awe. Bob looks over at the kids in his
          mirrored sunglasses and gives them a badass nod. The
          kids are amazed. Bob looks to Doug. Doug grins. They
          love this. Bob gives a signal to the other guys and guns
          his engine. The others nod, gun their engines and speed
          away from the station wagon. The kids watch with their
          mouths open.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

          The guys are cruising along as before, but now we see the
          sky has gotten very cloudy and overcast.

          SFX: THUNDER CRACK
          The guys look up at the sky apprehensively.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          It's now pouring rain. The guys ride along in misery,
          getting soaked. After a moment, the station wagon from
          before pulls back up to them. The kids are still pressed
          against the window, staring at the drenched bikers. Bob
          looks over and tries to give them another cocky nod - but
          now it's just embarrassing.

          END MUSIC CUE

          EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 - THAT EVENING

          The sun has gone down, and the guys have found a deserted
          area off the highway to set up camp. DOUG, WOODY and BOB
          lounge by a fire - with a tent set up behind them. Doug
          is roasting marshmallows and Bob is straining to blow up
          an air mattress.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          Why didn't you just bring a sleeping bag
          like us?

                         BOB
          This is more comfortable.
          (blows a breath into it)
          I wish Karen would have let me buy the
          foot pump, though.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 33.
          Bob continues to inflate the mattress, as Dudley
          approaches with a knotted plastic grocery bag.

                         DUDLEY
          This is poop. Don't eat it.
          Dudley sets the bag aside and has a seat by the fire.

                         DOUG
          Dudley? You're supposed to bury that.

                         WOODY
          Yes. Go bury it.

                         DUDLEY
          It's in a plastic bag. I can't put that
          in the earth. I'll find a trash bin
          tomorrow.
          The guys shake their heads and look back into the fire.
          After a moment, Doug smiles.

                         DOUG
          This is really nice, you know? Chilling
          by the fire with your best friends. Just
          relaxing, and enjoying--

                         WOODY

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          I'm sorry. Dudley, you have to get rid
          of that bag or I'm going to vomit in your
          lap.

                         DOUG
          --each other's company...
          Dudley grabs the bag and heads off.

                         DUDLEY
          Fine. I'll just hang it on a tree.

                         WOODY
          (yells after him)
          Don't hang it on a tree!

                         DOUG
          Yup... These are the times we'll
          remember.
          After a minute, Doug turns to Woody and Bob.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 34.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Hey, when was the last time you guys
          heard me sing Bon Jovi?

                         WOODY
          Oh, man. Thank God that stopped.

                         BOB
          It's been awhile. You're not as
          obnoxious as you used to be. You used to
          eat a lot more buffalo wings, too.

                         DOUG
          Yeah, I know. Turns out there's carbs in
          the batter. Hey, you know what? Maybe
          carbs are what I need to get old Doug
          back.

                         WOODY
          Old Doug? You've lost your Dad?

                         DOUG
          No. I think I've lost me. It's this
          thing Kelly said.

                         (BEAT)
          You know what it is? I think I'm tame.
          I'm like a lion that used to be wild, but
          now I'm in some Disney park where tourists
          come by and take pictures of me like I'm a
          lion, but after they leave, I go into my
          kennel and eat antelope nuggets or
          something. Ones without carbs.

                         BOB
          I know what you're talking about. I
          lost old Bob, too. I think my wife and
          daughters killed him. I'm surrounded by
          women every minute of my life. And it's
          made me, you know...

                         DOUG
          A wimp?

                         BOB
          What? No. I was going to say miserable.
          You think I'm a wimp?

                         DOUG
          No. I just thought that was what you
          were... I thought you wanted us to
          guess, and I didn't have a guess, so I
          said "wimp." Knowing it was wrong...

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 35.

                         WOODY
          You're a wimp, Bob. I'll say it. You're
          afraid of girls. It's embarrassing.
          Dudley comes up and sits back down.

                         DUDLEY
          I'm afraid of girls.

                         WOODY
          You're afraid to talk to one. Bob is
          afraid they'll kill him in his sleep.

                         DUDLEY
          Wow. Now I really don't want to talk to
          one.

                         BOB
          You know, it's not always so bad. Like,
          when Karen sleeps, she still crawls over
          and pushes up against me. Just snuggles
          right up like she needs me. I like that.
          I like that a lot.
          (then, sobering)
          Then the sun comes up and turns her into
          a raging she-demon.

                         DOUG
          Yeah, I guess life just isn't as simple
          as it was when we were in college. Well,
          except for you, Woody. You're still
          living the fairy tale. Swimsuit model
          wife. Big job at an investment firm.
          You've got the good life.
          Woody doesn't respond. He just stares vacantly into the
          fire for a beat.

                         WOODY

                         (FLATLY)
          Yeah... The good life. I'm a lucky man.

                         DUDLEY
          My life blows. I don't have a family.
          Or a wife. I have a cat that doesn't
          like me. She wouldn't even stick around
          if she knew how to use a can opener.
          The guys all look at Dudley.

                         BOB
          Hey, Dudley. You've got us, buddy. And
          you're going to get a woman, too.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 36

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          I told you we were going to hit some
          strip clubs when we get back.

                         DUDLEY
          Nah, I don't like those places--

                         BOB
          Dudley-- Please. I'm trying to help you
          here.

                         DUDLEY
          I know. I just don't--

                         BOB
          Please! Strippers are nice to me!

                         DUDLEY
          Okay... Sorry. We'll go.

                         BOB
          Thanks, man.

                         (THEN)
          I'm just... trying to be a good friend.

                         DOUG
          We know, Bob.

                         WOODY
          I'll go, too.

                         DOUG
          There's a surprise.
          Doug pulls a flaming marshmallow out of the fire.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          All right, who wants their marshmallow
          well-done?
          The guys just look at it.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Yeah, I left that one on too long.
          Doug flips the stick and the marshmallow goes flying
          behind him. The guys don't notice - but we see the
          marshmallow land on the tent and continue to burn. Bob
          continues to huff on the air mattress. He stops and
          looks at it.

                         BOB
          (out of breath)
          I think I'm half way there.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 37.

                         WOODY
          In just one hour.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          You sure you don't want us to spread out
          a sleeping bag? We have three in the--
          Doug turns around and sees a foot-wide flame now burning
          on the tent.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Shit! The tent--
          Doug and the guys jump up and hurry over to the tent.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Dudley, get the water jug off my bike!
          Dudley hurries over to Doug's bike as Doug and Bob try to
          smother the flame with sand.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          It should be okay. It's fire retardant.
          The guys try and extinguish the flame as Dudley comes
          running with a jug. He quickly takes off the cap. Doug
          notices him.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Dudley, no! That's-
          It's too late. Dudley is already throwing it on the
          fire. The liquid hits the tent and it explodes into
          flames. The guys shield themselves.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Gas! That's the spare gas tank, Dudley!
          Dudley doesn't know what to say. The fire quickly
          disentergrates the tent. Doug, Bob and Woody just watch,
          knowing there's nothing they can do. After a moment,
          DUDLEY runs back up with the correct water jug and
          empties it on what is now a flaming pile of ash. It does
          nothing.

                         DUDLEY
          We need more water.

                         DOUG
          That was all of it, Dudley. That was all
          the water we had.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 38.

                         DUDLEY
          Oh.
          Dudley takes this in for a moment.

                          DUDLEY (CONT'D)
           Is anybody else thirsty?
          The guys just look at him.

                          DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. ROADSIDE US-50 -- THE NEXT MORNING

          BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are all sleeping on Bob's air
          mattress, like four sardines. Doug opens his eyes to see
          a large figure standing at the foot of the air mattress.
          It's a stern-looking highway patrolman.

                         HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
          You guys all right?

                         DOUG
          Yeah. Yeah, just on a road trip.

                         HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
          All right. Just making sure.

                         (BEAT)
          Looks pretty comfortable, actually.
          We see the highway patrolman has started rubbing his
          thigh. Doug quickly jumps up, waking the others.

                         DOUG
          Okay, well... Thanks for stopping. Have
          a nice day, officer.
          The highway patrolman laughs.

                         HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
          All right, I get it.

                         (WINKS)
          Five's a crowd.
          Doug is mortified. The officer looks them over for a
          moment.

          HIGHWAY PATROLMAN (CONT'D)
          You guys are lucky to have each other.
          (looks at them hungrily)
          Damn lucky.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 39.

                         DUDLEY

                         (OBLIVIOUS)
          That's what I always say.
          Dudley gets up and puts his arm around Doug. We see he's
          wearing a saggy pair of briefs and nothing else.

                         HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
          Well... Have a good one.
          The patrolman walks off. Dudley looks at Doug and grins.

                         DUDLEY
          Morning.

                         DOUG
          Please put your pants on.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

          The guys cruise through the rolling prairies of Missouri.
          It's another beautiful day. They ride in formation,
          until Woody's bandana doo-rag blows off. Woody goes back
          to get it. The other guys stop and wait for him to
          return.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

          The guys are still riding - but now the heat of the
          Missouri plains is taking it's toll. They look boiling,
          and have sweated through their clothes. Bob takes a
          drink of water from a bottle of water, then pours the
          water over his head. He breathes a sigh of relief, until
          he hears an angry yell behind him. He looks back and
          sees Woody is now drenched from the water. Bob smiles
          sheepishly as Woody burns.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

          The guys ride through the forested Ozark uplands, looking
          even hotter than before. Doug spots a waterfall pouring
          into a crystal clear spring, and points to it. The guys
          nod in agreement.

                         CUT TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 40.

          EXT. BLANCHARD SPRINGS, OZARK NATIONAL FOREST - LATER

          DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY wade into the spring water in
          their boxers. You can see on their faces that it's like
          dipping into heaven. After a moment, BOB walks up.

                         BOB
          Thanks for waiting for me, jerks.
          The guys look up to see that Bob is naked. He smiles and
          cannonballs into the water.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Whhheew: Yeah! That's c-c-cold:
          He sees DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY are just staring at him.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          What?

                         WOODY
          Why are you naked?

                         BOB
          We're swimming. You guys kept on your
          skivies?

                         DOUG
          Skivies? What are you, a Newsie?

                         DUDLEY
          I kept mine on because I didn't want
          everyone to see my crank.

                         WOODY

                         (TO BOB)
          Yeah. That, and being naked with a bunch
          of guys is gay. What's wrong with you?

                         BOB
          I don't know. We took showers and stuff
          together in college. I thought this was
          kind of... you know, the same.

                         DOUG
          I guess I get that.

                         (THINKS)
          I mean, we would have been naked in
          college. Why are we... Oh, man. It's
          true. We are tamed. We're old guys.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 41.

                         WOODY
          No, we're not. Don't say that.
          Doug wiggles his boxers off and holds them in the air.

                         DOUG
          I will find old Doug!
          Doug smiles and throws his shorts on the shore. Dudley
          smiles, takes off his briefs and holds them up.

                         DUDLEY
          I will... Do what Doug does!
          Dudley throws the briefs to shore. They all look at
          Woody. He rolls his eyes and takes off his boxers.

                         WOODY
          I will be naked with my gay friends, and
          if they look at my jock, I will kill
          them.
          Woody throws the boxers to shore. The guys all look at
          each other and smile. It's a nice moment.
          Until a family approaches.
          Doug looks at the other guys, wide-eyed, as a family with
          three young kids walks up with a picnic basket. The
          young kids run and jump into the water. The Dad of the
          family laughs and shakes his head.

                         FAMILY DAD
          Hope you guys don't mind a little
          company. The mini-van was getting a

                         LITTLE--
          The Dad stops talking as he sees into the water... He
          realizes, then looks at his kids, concerned.

                         DOUG
          Um... Well, we're just taking a dip. I

                         UH--

                         WOODY
          There's a shallower spring up the path.
          The kids might like that even more...
          The Mom lays down a blanket and turns to the guys. The
          Dad is still staring, not sure what to do.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 42.

                         FAMILY MOM

                         (TO WOODY)
          Oh, no. These little squirts like to

                         DIVE AND--
          The Mom sees a glimmer of something through the water,
          and realizes. She suddenly looks very uncomfortable.

          FAMILY MOM (CONT'D)

                         (VERY TENSE)
          Janey, Kyle, Holland. Out of the water.
          We're going to find a new spot.

                         JANEY
          No, Mama. This place has little rocks

                         THAT--

                         FAMILY MOM
          Get out of the damn water! Now!
          The kids climb out of the water and the parents hurry off
          with them down the path. After a moment of awkward
          silence, Doug looks at the guys.

                         DOUG
          We should go.

                         BOB
          You think? They're gone, now.

                         WOODY
          Yeah, we could stay another few--

          VOICE (O.C.)
          Whhheeeeew!
          The guys look to the other side of the spring to see the
          HIGHWAY PATROLMAN cannonball naked into the spring. They
          stare, horrified, as he pops up and smiles at them.

                         HIGHWAY PATROLMAN
          Saw you're bikes out there. You guys
          ever chicken fight?
          The guys look at each other for a moment, then;

          DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
          Ahhhh! / Oh, god! / Run!
          They frantically sprint out of the water, grab their
          clothes and hurry away.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 43.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATE THAT AFTERNOON

          The guys are back on their bikes, cruising along the
          wheat fields of Kansas. They're looking tired once
          again, but suddenly Doug smiles...
          On the horizon, a bar comes into view. Out front are
          several rows of Harley Davidsons. Doug points it out to
          the guys and they all smile. It's like an oasis.
          The pull into the parking lot and climb off their bikes.
          Bob immediately falls to the ground.

                         BOB
          Dammit! Leg's asleep.
          The guys go to help Bob up, as Dudley gets off his bike
          and falls to the ground.

                         DUDLEY
          Me, too.

                         DOUG
          You guys have to shift every once in
          awhile. Blood has to circulate.
          A MOMENT LATER. Dudley and Bob are up and wiggling their
          sleeping limbs, as Woody looks up at the bar.

                         WOODY
          Now this is the best part of any road
          trip. Seeing our brothers on wheels.
          Look at this place. America!
          The guys look at it and nod. It is a cool looking shack
          of a bar. Doug admires the row of motorcycles out front.

                         DOUG
          Look at these bikes. They're all
          classics.

                         BOB
          Oh, man. Check it out. A 1951 Panhead.
          You know how rare this thing is?
          The guys all crowd around the bike.

                         DOUG
          Yeah, but why didn't he customize it?
          You have a 51 panhead and you don't
          chrome out the exhaust? Or airbrush an
          eagle on the gas tank? What a waste.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 44.

                         WOODY
          Probably no good custom stores out here
          in hick-land. We'll leave 'em a catalog.
          The guys push open the door and step into the bar.

          INT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS

          The bar is full of bikers, but not the kind we saw
          before. These guys are greasy, tattooed and menacing.
          We see their jackets say "Hells Angels." The bikers turn
          and stare at WOODY, DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BIKERS)
          How's it going?

                         BOB
          Hells Angels, huh? You guys are legends.
          I'm surprised we've never seen you in
          Daytona.
          The bikers kind of chuckle to themselves. The leader of
          the gang, JACK, steps forward. He's in his late 40's -
          and looks like he could break you into bite size pieces.

                         JACK
          Yeah, how do we keep missing that?
          The bikers all laugh. Doug and the guys join in, though
          they don't quite get what's so funny.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          So you re "Wild Hogs," huh? That's your
          gang?

                         DOUG
          Well, not a gang. Just friends. Friends
          that ride... you know.

                         JACK
          So it's like a little hobby for you guys?
          How sweet.
          Doug smiles, but is now sensing the hostility. He looks
          back for the exit.

                         DUDLEY

                         (TO JACK)
          Yeah, just a little hobby for us.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 45.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          We're all successful professionals in
          real life. But on Tuesday and Sunday
          afternoons... We're bikers!
          Dudley spins around and shows them the back of his
          jacket.

                         JACK
          Wow. That's great. Can I try that on?

                         DUDLEY
          Hell yeah, brother.
          Dudley whips his jacket off and hands it to Jack, who
          pulls it on his massive frame. He shows it to the gang,
          who laugh again. Dudley does, too.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          So who's '51 panhead is that? Sweet
          ride. Woody has a catalog so you can
          make it cool.

                         WOODY
          No, I don't. Doug does. I think it's
          great the way it is.
          Doug glares at Woody incredulously. Woody shrugs.

                         JACK

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          Well, if you like my '51, we should
          trade... "brother."

                         DOUG

                         DUDLEY--

                         DUDLEY

                         (IGNORING DOUG)
          I wish! I just have a Sportster. It's
          worth, like, half of yours.

                         JACK
          A Sportster!? That's what I grew up on.
          I've been wanting another Sportster.
          It's a deal!

                         DUDLEY
          Seriously? You're serious!?

                         DOUG
          Dudley, maybe you should--

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 46.

                         DUDLEY
          Doug, don't worry. Yeah, I'll have a
          cooler bike than you, but that doesn't
          mean I'll get all cocky.

                         DOUG

                         DUDLEY--

                         DUDLEY
          Hey, I don't care what you say! I ride a
          panhead now! I'm better than you!

                         JACK
          Come on, Dud. Let's go see how you look
          on it.
          Jack smiles and leads Dudley outside. Doug, Bob and
          Woody share an uncertain look.

                         WOODY
          Anybody else got that "pre-rape" feeling?

          EXT. BIKER BAR - CONTINUOUS

          Everyone is standing out front. Dudley starts to get on
          the classic motorcycle. Jack stops him.

                         JACK
           Oh, no, no. That's Oilcan's ride. My
          ' 51 panhead is right over there.
          Jack points to a pile of abandoned rusty motorcycles.
          Among it is the junked carcass of a '51 panhead next to
          an old, rusty sidecar. Dudley looks confused.

                         DUDLEY
          That? That's a piece of junk.

                         JACK
          Yup. Your piece of junk.
          Woody, Doug and Bob look at each other. This isn't good.
          Doug tries to laugh it off.

                         DOUG
          All right, guys. We get the joke... Good
          one. Anyway, we actually should get
          moving along.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 47.

                         JACK
          Oh, it's no joke. You want to know the
          joke? Suburban assholes that buy leather
          outfits and think they're bikers. And
          it's a joke I'm damn sick of. So I'm
          keeping your friend's bike, I'm keeping
          this jacket, and you guys are going to
          turn the hell around and go back to
          wherever you came from, because the next
          hundred miles of this highway belongs to
          the Hells Angels.
          The color drains from the Wild Hog's faces.

                         DUDLEY
          Like an adopt a highway thing?

                         JACK
          Like a "Go home or we're going to split
          your skulls open" thing.
          Bob makes an audible whimper. Doug elbows him, and tries
          to look brave.

                         DOUG
          All right. We respect that this is your
          turf, and we're sorry for bothering you.
          But we can't head back without my
          friend's bike. So clearly we're going to
          have to work something out here.
          Jack looks back at the Hells Angels and nods.

                         JACK
          You're right. We're going to have to
          work something out.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER

          We see DOUG, BOB and WOODY riding away from the bar,
          looking very glum. The camera PULLS OUT to reveal the
          rusty sidecar is now attached to Woody's bike. DUDLEY
          sits in it looking miserable and cold (having lost his
          jacket and now in his sleeveless shirt).
          The guys get a good distance away from the bar and Woody
          waves for them to stop. They do and Woody looks back to
          the bar.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 48.

                         WOODY
          All right. Let's just give them a few
          minutes to get back inside - then shoot
          right past them.

                         BOB
          What? Are you nuts?

                         DOUG
          The trip's over, Woody. Let's just head
          back home.

                         WOODY
          We're going to turn back after all these
          miles? Just because some fat bully's
          pushed us around?

                         DOUG BOB
          Yes. Yes.
          Woody shakes his head and looks at Dudley.

                         DUDLEY
          I go wherever you go.

                         WOODY
          Good. See? Dudley's got some balls.

                         DUDLEY
          No, my sidecar's just attached to your
          bike. I'd prefer to turn back, but I
          could only roll so far...

                         WOODY
          I can't believe you guys. What a bunch
          of pussies. The whole point of this trip
          is to live, man.

                         DOUG
          That's the point, Woody. Our lives
          aren't on this highway. They're back
          home. We have families, jobs, wives...
          or cats... We're not going to piss off a
          biker gang. We're going back.
          Woody takes this in, gritting his teeth in disappointment.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Come on, Woody. You don't want to take
          this risk. You have Claudia, and your
          job... You have a great life back home.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 49.
          Woody looks up at him. Something about this has sparked
          something in Woody's eyes, but he covers it up with a
          calm smile.

                         WOODY
          You're right, I do. But maybe I should
          talk to those guys one more time. I
          mean, I'm an executive at an Investment
          firm. I've made a career out of
          convincing people and these are just
          people. You guys wait here.
          Woody starts up his bike. Doug and Bob look at each
          other and shrug. Dudley hurries out of the sidecar.

                         DUDLEY
          I'll wait here, too. You'll get better
          gas mileage.
          Dudley gets out and falls to the ground.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Leg's asleep.
          Woody shakes his head and starts back to the bar.

          EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

          Woody rides up to the bar, and looks back to make sure
          he's out of Doug, Bob and Dudley's sight. He sees that
          he is, and kneels next to the line of Hells Angels
          motorcycles. He takes out an army knife, and slices
          through one of the motorcycle's gas line. Gas starts
          leaking out onto the ground and Woody nods.

                         WOODY

                         (TO HIMSELF)
          Come after us now, assholes.
          Woody goes along to each bike, smiling with a weird
          recklessness as he slices through each gas line.

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          WOODY pulls up on his bike, where DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY
          are waiting.

                         WOODY
          They're cool with it. We can press on.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 50.

                         BOB
          Seriously?

                         WOODY
          Yup. I tried to be polite. I tried to
          reason. I told them Dudley was dying.

                         DUDLEY
          What?

                         WOODY
          Well, technically we're all dying,
          Dudley. Just very slowly.
          Dudley looks concerned.

                         DUDLEY
          Oh my god, you're right.

                         (REALIZING)
          I'm slowly dying.

                         WOODY
          Anyway, none of that worked. So I laid
          it out for them. I said, "Hey, go ahead
          and assault us. Because we might be not
          be real bikers, but we know real lawyers.
          And the moment you touch us is the moment
          you get your ass sued. Because this is
          the real world - with real laws, and real
          consequences." And they backed down.
          The guys are impressed.

                         DOUG
          You really said that?

                         WOODY
          Yup. And I think they'll give us
          Dudley's bike on the way back, so let's
          go. Quick. Before they change their
          mind.
          Woody quickly starts his bike and rides on. The guys
          shrug, impressed, and follow him.
          After a moment, we see them all speed by the bar.

          INT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

          Jack is playing darts with the other bikers. He goes to
          throw a dart and hears engines roar past the bar outside.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 51.
          He quickly turns, which makes the dart he was throwing
          fly off target and stick into the shoulder of one of the
          bikers, (OILCAN).

                         OILCAN
          Ow! Shit, man!
          Jack listens as the engines pass the bar and fade away.
          Jack shakes his head, enraged.

                         JACK
          Saddle up, boys. Somebody doesn't listen.
          The guys nod and head outside. Oilcan pulls the dart out
          of his shoulder, and stops by Jack on the way out.

                         OILCAN
          Try and watch the throws, okay Jack?
          Jack glares at oilcan for a beat, then jabs a dart into
          his peck.

                         OILCAN (CONT'D)
          Owww! Jesus!
          (off Jack's icy glare)
          Sorry.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. BIKER BAR - A MINUTE LATER

          The Hells Angels roar away from the bar on their
          motorcycles. They get to the end of the driveway, and
          the bikes sputter and choke to a stop.
          ANGLE ON: JACK. He's on his hog, with a cigarette
          dangling out of his mouth. He looks down in confusion at
          the suddenly stalled bike.

                         JACK
          What the f--
          (sees cut gas line)
          You've gotta be kidding me.
          Suddenly, the cigarette falls out of Jacks mouth, and
          onto the ground. A puddle of gas from the sliced line
          catches on fire.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          shit.
          The flames quickly follow the line of leaked gas like a
          fuse, back towards the bar.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 52.
          Almost as quickly as the bikers can turn to look, the
          flame has reached the parking area and ignited all the
          puddles of gas. They all watch in horror as the fire
          ravenously engulfs the old wooden porch of the bar, then
          the roof ...

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - SAME TIME

          The guys happily cruise along the highway. We see WOODY
          look in his side-view mirror and notice a large, black
          plume of smoke back in the distance. A look of worry
          creeps over his face.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. MOTEL - THAT EVENING

          The guys pull up to a small motel, as the sun sets behind
          the wheat fields of Kansas.

                         WOODY
          No, we're not stopping here. Riding at
          night is half the fun. Let's just keep--

                         DOUG
          --I can't feel my nuts, Woody. And Kelly
          still wants another kid.
          DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY head inside the motel office.

                         WOODY
          (calling after Doug)
          So, adopt a kid. You already have two
          white ones, anyway.
          The guys ignore him. Woody looks back down the highway
          uneasily, then heads inside the motel office.

          EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

          JACK, and the other bikers stand by the smoldering pile
          of wood that was once their bar. OILCAN approaches Jack.

                         OILCAN
          I got my old lady bringing some gas. We
          can get moving by nightfall.

                         JACK

                         (BOILING)
          Forget it. Those guys are long gone.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 53.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          They're not stupid enough to stop until
          they're five hundred miles from here.

                         CUT TO:

          INT. MOTEL ROOM - SAME TIME

          DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY are in their motel room. WOODY
          stands at the window, nervously looking outside.

                         WOODY

                         (TO GUYS)
          I just think it's just stupid to stop
          this soon, you know?... We can keep
          riding under the stars. All night.

                         DOUG
          Woody, your headlight doesn't even work.

                         WOODY
          You think I won't ride without light? I
          can feel the road. Let's go. I'll even
          race somebody. Who's racing me?

                         DOUG
          Did you inhale exhaust fumes? Because
          something is happening to your brain. I
          think it might be retardation.

                         WOODY
          I just want to ride. Let's go!

                         DOUG
          Whatever, Corky.
          Doug shrugs Woody off and dials his cell phone.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hey, honey. It's me.
          Woody glares at Doug.

                         WOODY
          You're calling Kelly? You're not aloud
          to call wives on a road trip.

                         DOUG

                         (TO WOODY)
          I can call my wife whenever I want.

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Yeah. Woody. Good guess...

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 54.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Yeah, I'm having a great time. No old
          Doug, yet, but I haven't gotten sun-
          burned...
          Woody looks at Bob.

                         WOODY
          You agree with me, right?

                         BOB
          Yeah, I actually agree with you on this
          one. Let's not call wives.

                         DOUG

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Yeah, Bob agreed with him. Good guess
          again. Man, I really miss you.

                         WOODY
          Are you kidding me? I have to leave.
          Let me know when lame hour is over.

                         DOUG

                         (TO WOODY)
          Woody, you can call Claudia when I'm
          done, if you want. You can use my cell.

                         WOODY
          No, I'm not calling Claudia. I mean, yes
          I want to, but I won't. Because I'm on a
          road trip with my pals. And cell phones
          aren't even allowed!
          Woody storms out. Doug hears something on the phone, and
          lights up.

                         DOUG

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hey, Billy! How's it--
          (then, into phone)
          Where'd he go?... Oh. He thought you
          were ordering pizza. Uh huh. Well, tell
          him I said hi.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - THE NEXT MORNING

          DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY ride along the highway, as
          the sun burns the morning fog off of the wheat fields.
          Doug looks over to Woody and yells above the motorcycle
          engines.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 55.

                         DOUG
          I can't believe you made us leave so
          early. You really wanted to see the sun
          rise?

                         WOODY
          Yeah, man. It warms my heart, with
          it's...

                         (THINKS)
          Gentle... rays.
          Doug gives him a curious look, as they pass a sign that
          says "Lucas, Kansas. Population: 436"

                         BOB
          (yelling over engines)
          Hey! Let's stop for breakfast, I'm
          starving.

                         WOODY
          What!? No! We're not hungry yet.

                         BOB
          I just said I was--

                         WOODY
          You're not! Fatty!
          Bob looks hurt. Doug gives Woody a stern look.

                         DOUG
          Come on, Woody. It looks like a neat
          town. And Dudley's got another bag of
          poop to throw away.
          Dudley nods. Woody grits his teeth as they enter the
          town. It's a quiet, one stop-light town - with an old
          fashioned main street and town square. We see a banner
          over the street advertising a block party that night.
          It's a postcard version of small town America.

          INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

          The owner, BUD, is pressed up against the glass -
          watching the motorcycles come down Main street. He
          shakes his head.

                         BUD
          Oh, don't tell me they're here again
          already. I just got the window replaced.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 56.
          Bud walks back to the bar, past his daughter (and diner
          waitress) MAGGIE, 28, pretty in that cute, small town
          way.

                         MAGGIE
          Just stay calm, Dad. At least it's not
          all of them, this time.

          EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

          The guys pull up to the diner and we see the local
          pedestrians hustle away. The street is soon deserted,
          but the guys don't notice.
          They go to park their bikes, but there's not enough
          space. There's a police car in the parking spot next to
          them, and the town sheriff, CHARLEY, comes running
          towards it from across the street.

                         CHARLEY
          I'll move it! Hold on, I'll move it!
          Charley jumps into the car and backs it out of its spot.
          The guys look at each other, surprised.

                         DOUG
          Wow. Lucas is a polite town.

                         BOB
          That's how these little towns are. It's
          unspoiled America.

                         WOODY
          It's a shithole. Let's keep moving.
          The guys ignore Woody and enter the diner.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Okay, we'll get it to go, then. We can
          ride and eat if it's wrapped in a
          tortilla.
          Woody gets no response. He looks back down the road,
          uneasily, then follows the guys in.

          INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SAME TIME

          BOB, DOUG, WOODY and DUDLEY enter, with their motorcycle
          boots thunking on the wood floor, announcing to the
          entire diner that there are bikers there.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 57
          Everyone freezes and the place goes silent. The only
          sound is a single fork dropping onto a plate.
          BUD is pulsing with anger, but he swallows it down.

                         BUD
          Good morning, gentleman. How nice of you
          to join us this afternoon.

                         DOUG
          well, how could we pass through this town
          without stopping? Everything looks so
          perfect.

                         BUD

                         (SEETHING)
          But you'll change that, huh?

                         DOUG
          Excuse me?
          MAGGIE runs up and guides her Dad away from the guys.

                         MAGGIE
          I'll take care of them, Daddy.
          (to guys, extra polite)
          Good morning.
          Maggie smiles. She has a radiant sweetness, even though
          she's scared to death.
          DUDLEY stares at her, captivated. He's in love.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          where would you gentleman like to sit?

                         DOUG
          Are there any booths open?
          All the people quickly jump out of their booths.

                         BOB
          Wow. Everyone is so nice, here.
          The guys sit in one of the booths. Dudley hangs back,
          and struggles to talk to Maggie.

                         DUDLEY

                         (TO MAGGIE)
          Um... So?
          Dudley tries to think of something else to say, but
          can't. He nods awkwardly, then heads over to the booth.
          He sits down with the guys.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 58.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)

                         (TO GUYS)
          She's perfect.

                         DOUG
          You like the waitress, huh?

                         DUDLEY
          I wanted to say something funny to her,
          but I could only think of black jokes.
          Maggie, still very skittish, approaches the table.

                         MAGGIE
          And what would you gentleman like today?
          Doug looks to the next table, where a man is enjoying
          french toast.

                         DOUG
          Mmmm. I'll have what he's having.
          Maggie nods obediently and takes the man's plate. She
          slides it in front of Doug.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          No, uh... I'll take a new one. He can
          keep his.

                         MAGGIE
          Of course. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
          Maggie quickly puts it back on the man's table.

                         DOUG
          Hey, it's okay. Really.

                         WOODY
          Not a big deal.

                         BOB

                         (FAKING ANGRY)
          Yeah, just don't let it happen again!
          Bob hammers his fist on the table and laughs at his joke,
          but Maggie starts to cry. The guys suddenly look
          confused as she runs to the kitchen in tears. Bob looks
          back to the guys.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Wow. That wasn't funny.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 59.

                         DUDLEY
          It's hard to be funny without being
          racist.
          Doug is looking at the town's local paper, and smiles.

                         DOUG
          Hey, guys. This block party tonight
          looks cool. Music, grilled corn, dollar
          beers, funnel cakes.

                         DUDLEY
          Funnel cakes!? Let's stay here tonight!

                         WOODY
          No, no, no, no. We have a schedule. San
          Francisco is waiting.

                         BOB
          What schedule? You said we're taking
          this trip to live. Let's stick around
          and live a little. Have some small town
          fun!
          Woody goes to protest again, but Dudley stands up.

                         DUDLEY

                         (LOUDLY)
          Let's party all night in Lucas!

                         BUD
          (O.C. From kitchen area)
          God Dammit! What'd we do to deserve
          this!?
          We ANGLE TO SEE: MAGGIE rush over to calm BUD down. Bud
          calms down, then hears another motorcycle engine roaring
          down the street. He looks out the window and shakes his
          head.

                         BUD (CONT'D)
          Not another one of these assholes.
          A moment later, MURDOCK, a fat, grungy Hells Angel,
          enters the diner with a cocky swagger and has a seat at
          the bar.

                         MURDOCK

                         (TO BUD)
          Get me a beer, old man. And if it's not
          good, I'm going to smash it across your
          face.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 60.
          ANGLE ON: The WILD HOGS, watching from the table behind
          Murdock.

                         DOUG
          (sotto, to the guys)
          Not another one of these assholes.
          Murdock hears this and whips around to see the Wild Hogs.

                         MURDOCK
          What'd you say?

                         DOUG
          Oh, I was actually referring to some guys
          we met at a bar about two hundred miles
          east of here. You're probably not

                         AFFILIATED--

                         MURDOCK
          That's my gang. I'm on my way there now.

                         DUDLEY
          (loudly, to Doug)
          so he is one of those assholes, Doug.

                         MURDOCK
          Excuse me?
          Murdock puts his beer down, and stares angrily at Doug.

                         MURDOCK (CONT'D)
          And who the hell are you freaks?
          Doug starts to answer, but Woody, looking nervous, cuts
          him off.

                         WOODY
          --Oh, we're just a group of friends. No
          big deal. Your guys gave us permission
          to pass by, so it's all good.

                         MURDOCK
          Hells Angel's don't give permission.
          Especially to a bunch of ball-less wimps
          like you.
          Bob hammers the table and stands up - his face red with
          long-suppressed rage.

                         BOB
          I'm not a wimp, pal'. I'm a man! You got
          that? Huh? You got that!!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 61.
          The guys look at Bob, wide-eyed. woody looks worried.

                         WOODY
          Bob, let's not get carried away--

                         BOB
          No, you know what? This guy needs a
          talking to just like his friends did,
          Woody.

                         WOODY
          But, Bob. I don't think--

                         BOB
          Let me do this, Woody! You stood up to
          them last time, and I just sat there like
          I always do... Well, not this time!
          (turns to Murdock)
          Listen, you piece of shit. You think you
          can just walk around and bully perfectly
          nice people? You think that's how it
          works? Well, guess what? This is the
          real world. With real laws and real
          consequences. You hear me!?
          Bob swats Murdock's beer out of his hand. It spills all
          over him. Murdock is too filled with rage to speak.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Now get out of here! And if that gang of
          inbred assholes needs things explained to
          them again, tell 'em the Wild Hogs will
          be right here in Lucas tonight.
          Woody puts his face into his hands.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Now get.
          Murdock just stares daggers at him.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Get!
          Bob kicks the stool out from under Murdock. He almost
          falls, but catches himself on a stool. He glares at the
          guys, but he's outnumbered. He grits his teeth and
          storms out the door. Woody winces to himself as he
          watches Murdock go. This isn't good.
          After a moment, BUD comes running out from behind the
          bar.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 62.

                         BUD
          Wait... You guys aren't Hells Angels?

                         DOUG
          Us? Oh, no. We're from Cincinnati.
          Bud calls out to the kitchen.

                         BUD
          Charley!? They ain't the bad ones!
          CHARLEY, the sheriff from before, stands up from behind a
          countertop in the kitchen.

                         CHARLEY
          You guys aren't Hells Angels?

                         DOUG
          No. We're Wild Hogs. That's our gang.

                         (THEN)
          And our rotary club softball team... My
          wife had extra patches.

                         CHARLEY
          Well, sweet Mary Joseph... Welcome to
          Lucas! I'm the sheriff, Charley Baskins.
          I keep the peace here.

                         DOUG
          Weren't you just hiding in the kitchen?

                         CHARLEY
          Well... A non-confrontation approach
          sometimes is the best method to keep
          aggression...

                         (GIVES UP)
          Yeah, I was hiding in the kitchen.
          Charley looks at them for a moment, then starts to tear
          up.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          I'm an embarrassment.
          Charley hurries off to the bathroom. The guys look at
          each other.

                         DOUG
          Well, now he is.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 63.

          EXT. MAIN STREET - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          CHARLEY walks through the town square with DOUG, BOB,
          WOODY and DUDLEY. There's a stage and booths set up
          around the park in the center - ready for the block
          party. As the news spreads that the Wild Hogs are
          friendly, the townspeople start to take to the streets
          again.

                         CHARLEY
          Sorry about all the confusion when you
          arrived. Those guys are pretty rough.
          You're the first people to ever stand up
          to them.

                         DOUG
          Well, Woody is the one who really--

                         BOB
          Hey-- we should probably share the
          credit. I mean, I just basically kicked
          that guy's ass. Man! You know how good
          that felt!? Yeah!
          Bob punches a handicapped parking sign, which rattles
          against its post, then falls to the ground. Bob
          immediately looks regretful.

                         DOUG
          Nice. Now the paraplegics can park down
          the block and get more exercise.

                         BOB
          (suddenly meek again)
          Should I fix it? Oh, man. I should.

                         (TO CHARLEY)
          I'm sorry... I didn't mean to--

                         CHARLEY
          Forget about it. We only have one
          cripple and he gets pulled around in a
          wagon. Come on, I want to show you guys
          something.
          Charley leads the guys off.

          INT. POLICE GARAGE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          Charley flips on the light in a neatly organized police
          garage. In the middle sits a sparkling, unridden Harley
          Davidson police bike.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 64.

                         DOUG
          Wow. That's fantastic.

                         BOB
          You ride this?

                         CHARLEY
          Oh, no. The Hells Angels would take it
          to pieces if they ever saw me on it. I
          just keep it in here. Polish it and so
          forth. But I'd never let them see it.

                         DOUG
          Those guys are that big of a problem,
          huh?

                         CHARLEY
          Yeah. They ride into town a few times a
          month and get drunk, damage property...
          Basically turn the place upside down.

                         DOUG
          And the police don't do anything?

                         CHARLEY
          Well, It's a small town - and me and the
          Dooble brothers are the only law. And
          they're still pretty green.

                         WOODY
          Can't you call a bigger town or something
          for backup?

                         CHARLEY
          Yeah, I've done that a few times. But
          the gang is always gone by the time they
          get here. We've also tried wearing riot
          gear, which does protect you from being
          hit, but not from being dragged. Also,
          one of the Dooble brothers tried to throw
          tear gas, but the bottle exploded and
          blew off his ear.

                         DUDLEY
          Ech.

                         CHARLEY
          Yeah, he's hard to look at.

                         (THEN)
          Anyway, we want you guys to stay at our
          hotel tonight on us... Seeing as you're
          the new town heroes and all.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 65.
          The guys look flattered. Except Woody.

                         WOODY
          Oh, thanks, but we're actually moving on--

                         DOUG

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          We'd be honored to stay. Thank you.
          Woody's looks at Doug in protest. Doug gives him a stern
          glare.

                         CHARLEY
          And if you're not in a rush to leave in
          the morning-- We've got a great trout
          stream you might want to check out.

                         DUDLEY
          Cool! Let's fish!
          Doug shrugs.

                         DOUG
          Sure. Let's do it.

                         WOODY
          Uh uh. No, I'm putting my foot down,
          here. I still get a vote on what we do,
          you know? And I want my vote.

                         DOUG
          Okay. Of course you get a vote.
          Woody nods and looks at Bob and Dudley. They clearly
          intend to stay.

                         WOODY
          I actually get three votes. Because I
          planned the trip.

                         DOUG
          But you didn't plan the voting system. I
          did. So you only get one. Sorry.
          Doug, Bob and Dudley walk off. Woody fumes.

                         WOODY
          You know what? Old Doug wasn't such a
          douchebag!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 66.

          EXT. BIKER BAR - SAME TIME

          MURDOCK has arrived at the bar, which is just a burned
          shack at this point. The Hell's Angels are gathered
          around, watching JACK beat the crap out of a remaining
          wall with a pipe. He finally stops when the wall has
          crumbled.

                         JACK
          Those assholes think they can cross the
          Hells Angels? Do you know how bad
          they've made us all look!?
          The gang nods. They all look pissed.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          Those guys have some balls. Balls I will
          put in my mouth and chew on!!
          The gang looks at Jack with a slight smile. OILCAN
          chuckles.

                         OILCAN
          You're going to put balls in your mouth?
          The gang laughs. Jack realizes what the joke is...

                         JACK
          No! I'm not-- I'm going to put my foot
          up their asses! Both feet! Hell, I'm
          going to stick anything I can in their
          asses, and I'm going to enlov it.
          The guys start laughing again. Jack boils red.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          Shut up!! I didn't mean-- Just get on
          your damn bikes! We're riding to Lucas!
          The guys start towards their bikes. Oilcan sidles up
          next to Jack.

                         OILCAN
          Sometimes it helps if you say things in
          your mind first, then say it out loud,
          you know?
          Jack looks at Oilcan for a beat, then bends down, picks a
          dart up out of the ash, and jabs it into his shoulder.

                         OILCAN (CONT'D)
          Oww! Dammit!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 67.

                         JACK
          I did that in my mind, first.
          Jack smiles calmly and walks off.

          EXT. MAIN STREET HOTEL - THAT AFTERNOON

          DOUG, BOB, WOODY and DUDLEY exit out of an old fashioned
          hotel next to the diner. They cross to the town square,
          where the block party is in full swing. Townspeople
          mingle around eating corn-on-the-cob and hotdogs. Up on
          the stage, a plump, middle-aged man with a goatee and a
          polo shirt tucked into dockers - sings Justin
          Timberlake's "Rock Your body."

                         PLUMP MAN
          So you grab your girls, And you grab a
          couple more.
          And you all come meet me, in the middle
          of the floor.
          Gonna rock your body! 'Till the break of

                         DAY--
          The man drops to his knees at the edge of stage and
          reaches his hand out to the audience, like the star of a
          boy band; However, it's clearly making the people on the
          dance floor uncomfortable.
          Meanwhile, Doug, Bob, Woody and Dudley walk through the
          square and are instantly greeted, patted on the back and
          thanked by each townsperson they pass. The word is out
          that these guys are heroes. Doug gives a "can you
          believe this?" look to the other guys - who are just as
          thrilled as him. They're eating it up.

                         DOUG
          These people love us. This is nuts.

                         BOB
          Yeah. They think we're bad asses.

                         DOUG
          Well, let's not get too carried away with
          it. The truth is we're just regular
          guys. Let's not forget that.

                         DUDLEY
          Yeah, the best thing is to keep a low
          profile. Don't cause any waves. Then if
          somebody pushes us too far, Boom! We go
          Billy Jack upside their heads!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 68.

                         WOODY
          You're going to go Billy Jack?

                         DUDLEY
          Nooo. I'm just minding my own business.
          I don't want to cause any trouble.
          Dudley turns to Woody and stares at him. Woody looks
          confused.

                         WOODY

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          What?

                         DOUG
          He's waiting for you to say something
          else, then he's going to kick you.
          Dudley gets a deflated look and backs off of Woody.

                         DUDLEY

                         (TO WOODY)
          Doug just saved you a world of hurt.

                         WOODY
          You're afraid of your cat.

                         DUDLEY
          Yeah, well... He once bit me on the
          sack.
          Dudley walks off towards the beer tent. Woody looks to
          the other guys with a puzzled look.

                         BOB
          It's true. He was unclogging his bathtub
          drain and the cat thought it was a ball
          of yarn.
          Doug and Woody wince.
          ANGLE ON: DUDLEY, at the beer tent. He gets in line,
          and realizes he's behind MAGGIE. She smiles at him.

                         MAGGIE
          Hi.
          Dudley is wide-eyed.

                         DUDLEY
          Um... I, uh---

                         (SCRAMBLING)
          What do you call a Mercedes in Harlem?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 69.
          Maggie looks confused.

                         MAGGIE
          Excuse me?

                         DUDLEY
          Nothing-- uh...
          Maggie notices the tattoo on Dudley's shoulder.

                         MAGGIE
          Wow. You like macs too, huh? I've got a
          vintage Apple 2e. Restored it from
          scratch.
          Dudley's jaw drops.

                         DUDLEY
          I-- have a cookie jar made out of a 2e.
          For fig newtons.

                         MAGGIE
          Wow. I like fig newtons.
          Dudley collects himself and tries to speak.

                         DUDLEY
          Yeah. They're like fried chicken at a--
          No, that's not... Dammit! This is hard.
          Maggie smiles sweetly as Dudley fumbles.

                         MAGGIE
          You want to dance?
          Dudley goes to respond, then decides to just give an
          emphatic nod. Maggie smiles.

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at a picnic table,
          drinking beer out of plastic cups. They lean back and
          soak up the small town celebration around them. It's a
          great night.

                         DOUG
          It doesn't get any better than this, huh?
          Bob notices Doug getting ready to chomp down on a piece
          of garlic bread.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 70.

                         BOB
          That's a lot of carbs.
          Doug stops, mid-bite, and puts the bread down.

                         DOUG
          Thanks, Bob. You saved me from all
          that... buttery, garlicky flavor.

                         WOODY
          No he didn't.
          Woody takes the garlic bread and crams it in his mouth.

                          WOODY (CONT'D)

                          (MOUTH FULL)
          I did.

                         DOUG
          I hope you choke on it.
          CHARLEY approaches with his two deputies, EARL DOOBLE and
          BUCK DOOBLE. They are chubby, thirty-year old twins -
          identical in every way, except for the fact that Buck is
          missing an ear on the right side of his head... which the
          skin has scarred back over. It doesn't look good.

                         CHARLEY
          Howdy, guys! Welcome to the block party!
          These are my deputies: Earl and Buck
          Dooble.
          Earl shakes the guys hands.

                         EARL
          I'm Earl and he's Buck. Just remember,
          the brother with the word "ear," in his
          name, has both on his head.

                         (LAUGHS)
          I can only say that because I'm on his
          right side. Which as you can see, is
          blown off.
          Earl laughs again, as BUCK extends his hand - oblivious.

                         BUCK
          I'm Buck and this is Earl. Good luck
          telling us apart!
          Buck laughs and turns to Charley, exposing his missing
          ear to the guys. They draw back a little.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 71.

                         DOUG
          Well, it's nice to meet you guys. You've
          got a great town here.

                         CHARLEY
          Yeah, we got everything here. Good
          people, good fishing...

                         EARL
          We do have convicted child molesters,
          though. We have to disclose that.

                         CHARLEY
          Not if they don't have kids, Earl.

                         EARL
          Just to be safe, though.
          (yells at crowd of people)
          Hey!! Thomas Milborn!
          A bookish man with a tweed jacket turns around and looks.

                         EARL (CONT'D)

                         (ANNOUNCING)
          Convicted child molester.
          Thomas Milborn nods glumly and pulls his hands out of his
          pockets. The guys look at each other uneasily.

                         BOB
          Well... Still a nice town.

                         WOODY
          If you're not a kid.

                         DOUG
          Or Thomas Milborn.

          ANGLE ON: DANCE FLOOR AREA:
          DUDLEY is on the dance floor with MAGGIE. The middle
          aged guy on stage is letting loose with a rendition of
          Usher's "Yeah." Maggie and Dudley dance conservatively
          for a moment, but as the beat gets ahold of Dudley, he
          starts getting into it. He starts spinning around at a
          rapid pace, then drops to his knees, slaps the ground and
          shakes his head to the music.
          Maggie watches curiously as Dudley pulls himself along
          the ground by his elbows - then springs up to his feet
          and starts a move that resembles a sprinkler. Maggie
          grins - actually amused by Dudley's rhythmic passion.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 72.
          ANGLE ON: The Wild Hog's table. The guys sit with
          Charley, Buck and Earl - watching Dudley with a curious
          look.

                         CHARLEY
          Looks like your friend and Maggie are
          hitting it off.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. I think he really likes that girl.

                         CHARLEY
          Well, Maggie's a great woman.

                         EARL
          Yup. Big cans, too. Buck liked her, but
          you know... He's a deformed freak.
          Buck, on Earl's left, stares out at Maggie and Dudley,
          deaf to the conversation.

                         BUCK
          I used to like that girl... but then I
          realized, I can do better.
          The guys look at Buck.

                         CHARLEY
          So, why are you guys taking this road
          trip, anyway?

                         DOUG
          Ahh, just to escape for a bit.

                         WOODY
          Hey, we're not escaping anything, man.
          We're on this trip to live.

                         CHARLEY
          I know what you mean. Sometimes things
          in life can bother you, and sometimes
          nothing in life can bother you. Either
          way, you've got take a break from it.
          Happiness is somewhere between boredom
          and stress.
          Doug is surprised at Charley's insight. So is Woody.

                         WOODY
          Exactly. Which is why we need to keep
          riding until we figure out where that
          happiness is. You don't get old Doug
          back by just staying put.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 73.

                         CHARLEY
          Old Doug?

                         DOUG
          Yeah. Apparently I've lost him. I don't
          sing Bon Jovi anymore.

                         WOODY
          You did lose him, Doug. You know why?
          You're housebroken. You're too
          comfortable. You've got to snap out of
          it!
          Doug nods halfheartedly. He knows woody might be right.

                         CHARLEY

                         (TO DOUG)
          Woody's got a point, there. Comfortable
          can be a bad thing. You have to wake up
          and slap the bull once in a while.

                         WOODY
          Right! Slap the bull!
          (then, to Charley)
          What?

                         CHARLEY
          Slapping the bull is kind of the local
          test of manhood. It's a way to prove you
          aren't controlled by fear. We've all
          done it.

                         EARL
          Yup. Even torn-open head, here.
          He nods at Buck, on his left.

                         BUCK
          You know, I slapped the bull once.
          Woody smiles slyly. Doug looks concerned.

                         WOODY
          We're slapping the bull.

                         DOUG
          I don't think we need to. I mean, we can
          have our own test of manhood. Let's see
          how many ears of corn we can eat or
          something. I'll start.
          Doug grabs an ear of corn and takes a bite, but Woody
          just grins with that reckless look in his eyes.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 74.

                         WOODY
          We are slapping the bull.
          Doug knows it's no use. He nods, defeated.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. COW PASTURE - THAT EVENING

          DOUG, BOB, WOODY, CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL approach a fence
          surrounding a pasture. Charley smiles.

                         CHARLEY
          Here we are. The Lucas test of manhood.
          Slap the bull.
          Charley gestures to a lone bull grazing in the pasture.
          He's a frighteningly large bull with enormous horns.

                         WOODY
          Wow. So it's literally slapping a bull?

                         EARL
          Yup. Right on the ass. Then high-tail
          it out of there, because he can kill ya.

                         DOUG
          Wow. Um... Woody? This was your idea,
          so... go ahead.
          Woody nods.

                         WOODY
          All right. I'm going in.

                         DOUG / BOB
          You are?

                         WOODY
          Hell yeah. I'm gonna slap the shit out
          of that bull. Like, pimp-style.
          The guys look at him, surprised and somewhat impressed.
          Woody takes a breath and climbs over the fence. He
          approaches the Bull very quietly and cautiously. He gets
          within three feet of it, leans in and slaps the Bull hard
          on the ass.
          The bull makes an annoyed sound and turns around, but
          Woody is already hightailing it back to the fence, with
          an exhilarated look on his face.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 75.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Whhhheeeeeeew!
          Woody gets to the fence and hurls himself over. The guys
          all applaud.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Yes! Wow! That felt so good. I just
          slapped a big fat bull right on his ass!
          Did you hear how pissed he was!? I just
          pissed of a bull!
          (back to Bull)
          Bitch!
          Woody high fives all the guys.

                         DOUG
          All right. I'm in. I'm slapping that
          bull.
          The guys cheer as Doug climbs over the fence and starts
          heading towards the Bull. The group all leans on the
          fence, watching.

                         WOODY

                         (TO CHARLEY)
          Thanks for bringing us out here. Doug
          really needs this.

                         BOB
          Yeah. This is good for him.

                         CHARLEY
          Sure. Glad we could help.

                         BUCK
          Yeah, and we've never seen it done twice
          in a row. It'll be interesting to see
          how the bull takes being slapped now that
          he's alert.

                         WOODY / BOB
          Alert?
          Woody and Bob look at each other, then to the Bull -
          which Doug is about to slap.

                         WOODY
          Doug, wait!
          It's too late. Doug slaps the bull hard, and turns to
          run.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 76.

                          DOUG
          Wheeeeew!! Yeah!
          Doug runs across the field, but the Bull - now fully
          alert - swivels with magnificent agility and breaks into
          an angry charge towards Doug.
          The guys all watch in horror as the Bull quickly gains on
          Doug. Doug sees the fear on the guys faces and looks
          back over his shoulder. His smile quickly turns to
          terror.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Ahhhhhhhh!
          It's too late. The Bull catches Doug and bucks him into
          the air. Doug flies ten feet and comes crashing down on
          the muddy grass. The Bull takes a few steps back and
          starts lining up another charge at him.

                         WOODY
          Oh, no you don't!
          Woody jumps over the fence and runs into the field.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Heeeeey! Hey you! Come get me, Bull!
          The Bull notices Woody and starts to Charge him.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Run, Doug! Go!
          Doug climbs to his feet and sees the bull charging Woody.
          Woody realizes he's in trouble and starts to run again.
          The bull quickly catches him and rams him into the air.
          Woody lands hard, with a grunt.
          The bull turns back to charge at Woody again, and Bob
          jumps over the fence.

                         BOB
          Hey! Leave him alone! You want some of
          this!? Come get this!
          Bob sprints out into the field. The bull snorts and
          starts towards him. The Bull closes on Bob quick, but at
          the last moment Bob dives of the way. The bull goes
          flying past him.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Hah! Missed me, you fat bastard!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 77.
          Doug and Woody look impressed as Bob helps them hurry
          towards the fence. Charley and Buck hold a gate open for
          them as the Bull makes a turn and lines the group up, but
          they've already made it to the gate. They go through and
          Charley shuts it behind them. They lean back on the
          fence, trying to gather their bearings, except Bob - who
          is thrilled.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Did you see me? I dodged him! I dodged
          that stupid cow! How cool am--
          Suddenly, the Bull charges into the fence, which Bob's
          butt is sticking through. Bob goes flying and lands face
          down in the dirt. He scrambles back up, furious.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          You son of a bitch! You want to keep it
          going!? You want to take cheap shots!?
          Come on!
          Bob tries to climb back into the pasture, but the guys
          restrain him.

                         BOB (CONT'D)

                         (TO CHARLEY)
          Give me your gun! Give me the gun! He
          deserves it!

                         (TO BULL)
          I'll kill you!
          Doug and Woody hold on to Bob until he calms down. Doug
          and Woody start to laugh. Bob cools off for another
          moment, then starts laughing as well.

                         WOODY
          No this is living!

                         DOUG
          We just slapped the bull!
          The group high fives each other in congratulations, and
          starts away: Bruised, muddy and laughing.
          ANGLE ON: THE BULL. He pushes on the gate that Charley
          was holding open. The gate swings open.
          ANGLE ON: WOODY, BOB and DOUG. They walk with Charley
          and the Dooble brothers, laughing and carrying on.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 78.
          Bob does an impression of how he dodged it and goes for
          some more high fives - but suddenly, the bull charges
          into frame and nails him. As Bob goes flying; we:

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE / BLOCK PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT

          The block party is winding down. Dudley is sitting by
          himself at a picnic table, in post-Maggie bliss.
          DOUG, WOODY and BOB approach, dirty and beaten from the
          bull - but, carrying on happily.

                         WOODY
          Man, did you see the look on Bob's face
          when he got up? Didn't dodge him that
          time!
          Woody and Doug laugh. Bob looks pissed.

                         BOB
          I'm going to go back there with a rifle
          tomorrow and shoot one of his legs off.
          Then we'll see who's tough.

                         DOUG

                         (LAUGHING)
          Why just one leg?

                         BOB
          Because I want to kick him in the face.
          Doug and Woody laugh again. Bob just steams. They spot
          DUDLEY, and head over to him.

                         DOUG
          Hey, Dud. You look happy.

                         DUDLEY
          I danced with her. And she likes macs.
          You know what that means?

                         DOUG
          You have a sister?

                         DUDLEY
          I have a soulmate.

                         DOUG
          I thought you said the color ipod was
          your soulmate.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 79.

                         DUDLEY
          I thought it was. But now, I realize
          that ipod was just a well-designed whore.
          The guys smile. It's been a good night for all of them.

                         DOUG
          Come on. Let's go back to the hotel.
          We've got to get up early to do some
          fishing.
          The guys start walking towards the Main Street hotel.

                         WOODY
          Okay, fine. But after fishing - we hit
          the open road and keep moving, okay?

                         DOUG
          Open road, baby!

                         BOB
          Wild Hogs ride!
          The guys continue with enthusiastic cheers as we hear the
          off-screen rumble of engines. Doug looks down the street
          and sees: THE HELLS ANGELS. All forty of them are
          riding into town - and the guys will be in their view any
          second. Woody is frozen with fear.

                         DOUG
          Are you kidding me? Woody, you're going
          to have to talk to these guys again. Get
          them to leave this town alone--

                         WOODY
          Hiiiiiiiidee!
          DOUG, BOB and DUDLEY look confused. Woody looks around
          desperately for somewhere to hide - but the Hells Angels
          are too close. There's no time. Woody spots a port-o-
          potty from the block party and starts corralling Doug,
          Bob and Dudley into it.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Go! Go! Go!
          Woody pushes his puzzled friends into the port-o-potty,
          then gets in with them and shuts the door, just as the
          Hells Angels cruise by them.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 80.

          INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

          All four guys are squished inside the port-o-potty like
          sardines.

                         DOUG
          Woody!? What the hell is wrong with--

                         WOODY
          Shhhh! They'll hear you! Don't make a
          sound!

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

          The Hells Angels park their bikes. We see all the
          townspeople have stopped enjoying themselves, and just
          stand there, scared. Jack gets off his bike and looks
          around.

                         JACK

                         (YELLS OUT)
          Good evening, Lucas. Now, as hurt as I
          am that you're having a party and didn't
          invite us... We're only here for one
          reason. The "Wild Hogs." Where the hell
          are they!?

          INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

          Doug looks at Woody. He's starting to figure it out.
          Woody guiltily avoids Doug's glare and watches the Hells
          Angels through a vent in the port-o-potty.

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

          The townspeople aren't saying a word. Jack continues to
          pace in front of the diner.

                         JACK
          Come on, now. You shouldn't be
          protecting them. These "Wild Hogs," not
          only passed us when we specifically told
          them not to, they drained out all our gas
          and burned down our bar. Like the little
          cowards they are. Now where are they!!?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 81.

          INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

          Upon hearing this, BOB, DUDLEY and DOUG all look at
          WOODY, who shrugs sheepishly. Bob is enraged.

                         BOB
          You son of a bitch!
          Bob lunges at Woody, but the sudden shifting of weight is
          too much for the port-o-potty...

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

          The port-o-potty tips over. All the Hells Angels turn
          and look as it crashes over on it's side. They continue
          to stare at it curiously.

          INT. PORT-O-POTTY - CONTINUOUS

          The guys, now on their side, freeze as they see through
          the vent that the Hells Angels are staring at them. It's
          a very tense moment as they wait to see if they've been
          discovered. After a moment, we hear a "glup, glup,
          glup," And the guys smell something curious.

                         BOB

                         (WHISPERING)
          What is that?

                         DUDLEY

                         (WHISPERING)
          It's that blue port-o-potty juice. It's
          coming out of the can.
           The guys all cringe in disgust, but know they can't move.

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

          Jack finally turns away from the pot-o-potty and smirks.

                         JACK

                         (TO GANG)
          Now, that's a port-o-potty that ain't
          worth shit.
          The Hell's Angels all laugh and turn back to the diner.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 82.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          All right, then. Nobody wants to tell me
          where they are? Fine. Maybe this'll jar
          your memory.
          Jack takes a garbage can and tosses it into the diner
          window. The crowd gasps, as the Hells Angels laugh.
          CHARLEY steps out of the crowd.

                         CHARLEY
          I think they're out at Mckinley's
          pasture. Something about slapping a
          bull. It's up past the lake a ways.
          Jack smiles.

                         JACK
          Good.
          (to Hells Angels)
          Saddle up, boys.
          The guys get on their bikes.

                         JACK (CONT'D)

                         (TO TOWN)
          And if they ain't there. We'll be back
          reeeal soon. Because I don't let any man
          get away from me.
          The gang snickers. Jack realizes;

                         JACK (CONT'D)

                         (TO GANG)
          Shut the hell up! I didn't-- You know
          what I meant!
          Jack starts his bike and roars out of the town. The
          others follow him, gunning their bikes and leaving skid
          marks and smoke in their trail. A kid yells at the Hells
          Angels as they ride out of sight.

                         KIDS
          Go ahead and come back! The Wild Hogs
          aren't afraid you! The Wild Hogs aren't
          afraid of anything!
          Suddenly, the door pops open on the port-o-potty and the
          WILD HOGS topple out of it in a heap. We see they're
          soaked in blue port-o-potty juice.
          They scramble to their feet and run towards the large
          fountain in the middle of the town square.

                         I

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 83.

          DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
          Ahhhh!/ I'm going to vomit!/ Ecchhh!
          The townspeople watch in silence as the guys jump into
          the fountain and try to rinse off.
          Bob puts his head under a water-spouting marble fish.

                         BOB
          It got in my hair! Gross!
          The guys desperately try to rinse off the juice - then,
          drenched from head to toe, turn their glare to Woody.

                         DOUG

                         (TO WOODY)
          You lied, didn't you!? You stood there
          and lied to us!

                         BOB
          You did! You're a stinking liar!

                         WOODY
          I did it for you guys! I wanted you to
          live!

                         DOUG
          Live!? We're going to die, Woody! You
          burned down their bar! We are dead men!

                         DUDLEY
          Oh, man. I thought it was going to
          happen slowly. I thought I had time!
          Dudley sits on the fountain edge and starts to tear up.

                         WOODY

                         (TO GUYS)
          I'm sorry, okay!

                         DOUG
          Sorry? That's it!? You're sorry!?

                         WOODY
          Yes, I'm sorry! I just didn't want us to
          go back.

                         DOUG
          Why? It's just a stupid vacation!

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 84.

                         WOODY
          Because I don't have anything to go back
          to, okay!
          Doug and Bob go silent. Woody looks away - trying to
          collect himself. After a moment, he faces them.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          I've lost everything. The firm fired me,
          Claudia left me... It's all gone. My
          whole life is gone. I don't even have
          enough money to get my lawn raked
          anymore.
          Doug, Bob and Dudley are stupefied. Woody takes a deep
          breath and continues.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          That's why I couldn't go back. This
          isn't a vacation for me, it's the only
          thing I have left. There's nothing more
          in my life but you guys. So, I lied
          about the Hells Angels. I lied because I
          wanted to have one thing in my life that
          wasn't a complete failure. A real trip
          with my best friends... You're all I
          got. I'm sorry.
          Woody lowers his head. The guys take this in for a
          minute. Woody looks at them, waiting for their sympathy.
          Finally, Doug speaks.

                         DOUG
          (realizing, to Woody)
          This trip is just you running from your
          life. Your miserable, screwed up life.

                         (GETTING ANGRIER)
          And you knew you couldn't go back to it,
          so instead you screwed up our lives,
          too... You asshole!
          Woody's puppy-dog face dissolves.

                         WOODY
          Fine! I see how important I am to you
          guys. That's just fine. I just thought
          being a "Wild Hog" meant something!
          Woody takes off his "Wild Hogs" jacket and throws it at
          their feet. He hops out of the fountain and storms off
          down the street.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 85.

                         DOUG
          It doesn't mean anything! It's just a
          patch my wife made!!
          Doug, Bob and Dudley look at each other. After a moment,
          they look over to the sidewalk and see:
          ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE, staring at them in disappointed
          silence. Slowly, the townspeople turn and quietly head
          back to their homes. Doug, Bob and Dudley lower their
          heads in disgrace. So much for being heroes.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT NIGHT

          DOUG stands in the darkened police station with DUDLEY,
          CHARLEY, BUCK and EARL. CHARLEY looks out the window
          with DOUG.

                         CHARLEY
          Looks like they're winding down some.

                         DOUG
          You think?

          EXT. MAIN STREET DINER - CONTINUOUS

          The Hells Angels have returned, and set up shop in the
          diner, but are also flowing out onto the street. Jack
          stumbles into the middle of the road, with a bottle of
          tequila in his hand.

                         JACK

                         (YELLING OUT)
          Alright, Wild Hogs. We know you're in
          town somewhere, 'cause you haven't
          checked out of the hotel. We're a little
          smarter than you thought, huh?

                         OILCAN
          Hell yeah we are!! Wheeew!
          Oilcan smashes a beer can against his own head.

                         JACK
          So we're going to wait right here 'till
          you show up. Weeks, if we have to.
          Hell, we might just make ourselves the
          "Lucas Angels." That has a nice ring to
          it, doesn't it?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 86.
          Jack laughs.

          INT. POLICE STATION - SAME TIME

          The guys watch the commotion through the window.

                         DUDLEY
          Crap. I was thinking of that for us.

                         CHARLEY
          You guys just stay in the station
          tonight. No one needs to go out there
          and be a hero and end up getting hurt.

                         DOUG
          Thanks, Charley.
          Charley and the Dooble brothers look a little surprised.

                         CHARLEY
          Wow. So... You're not going out there?
          Doug sighs in irritation.

                         DOUG

                         (SNAPS)
          Well, you're the cop. Why don't you go
          out there?
          Charley is visibly hurt. His lip starts to tremble.

                         CHARLEY

                         (TEARING UP)
          That's not cool, man.
          Charley runs out the back door of the station. EARL
          shakes his head and looks at Doug.

                         EARL
          You know, people have feelings. Sure, I
          make comments about "chum face," here.
          But that's because every time I look at
          him I see parts of his brain. But nobody
          has the right to hurt Charley like that.
          He has both sides of his head.
          Earl storms off, leaving BUCK, who was standing on his
          left and hasn't heard or seen any of them leave. He
          stands there, looking at Doug and Dudley.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 87.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BUCK)
          Um... They left.

                         BUCK
          Huh?
          Buck turns and sees Earl and Charley have gone.

                         BUCK (CONT'D)
          Son of a bitch.
          Buck hurries out the door after Charley and Earl.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. POLICE STATION - NEXT MORNING

          Doug wakes up on a cot in an open jail cell. He walks
          out of the cell, and over to the window.
          ANGLE ON: The Main Street Diner: The Hells Angels bikes
          are still parked outside, and the bikers appear to be
          passed out in various booths, chairs, and the street out
          front.
          BACK ON: The police station. Dudley and Bob approach
          the window.

                         DOUG
          They're still out there. Passed out.

                         BOB
          Well, I talked to Karen. She going to
          fly out here, rent a mini-van, and pick
          us up. We'll just ship the bikes back
          later.

                         DOUG
          Bob, we can't leave. They'll just stay
          here and keep terrorizing this town.

                         BOB
          So what? They can call the National
          guard or something.

                         DOUG
          For what? To be stationed here
          permanently? Because these guys will
          just come back when they're gone. And
          it'll be even worse.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 88.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          We've created this problem, Bob. We've
          got to think of a way to solve it.

                         BOB
          Well, Karen is really insistent she come
          drive us back.

                         DOUG
          Tell her "no," Bob.
          Bob looks uncomfortable at this thought.

                         BOB
          I can't do that.

                         DOUG
          Well, you're going to have to, Bob!
          We're not going to screw over an entire
          town because you're afraid of women!
          Bob stands up, insulted.

                         BOB
          Oh, sorry I'm not brave like you, Doug!
          The guy who gets injections in his scalp
          so he won't go bald!
          Bob storms out the back door of the police station.
          Dudley looks to Doug, curiously.

                         DUDLEY
          You do?
          Doug shrugs weakly.

                         DOUG
          You know, you can storm out too, if you
          want.

                         DUDLEY
          No, no. I mean, I thought about going to
          see Maggie while those guys are asleep,
          but you need me right now.

                         DOUG
          Thanks, man.
          Doug smiles and gives Dudley a squeeze on the shoulder.
          Dudley is clearly disappointed, having assumed Doug would
          tell him to go see Maggie. Dudley just stands there,
          silent.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          You okay?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 89.

                         DUDLEY

                         (SNAPS)
          You're always asking me if I'm okay!
          Dudley quickly storms out of the police station. Doug
          nods to himself and slumps down on an office chair.

          MUSIC CUE: "AFTER THE THRILL IS GONE" BY THE EAGLES

          (CONTINUES THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENES)

          EXT. BACK OF POLICE STATION - LATER

          Doug exits and looks around the corner of the building,
          making sure the Hells Angels are still sleeping, then
          starts walking towards a wooded park behind the town.

          EXT. PARK - A MOMENT LATER

          Doug walks through the park, looking depressed. He
          passes through a small playground, and has a seat on a
          bench. He watches all the children play, and his eyes
          fall on four young boys happily riding their bicycles
          together. They have cards in their spokes, making engine
          sounds as they ride around having a great time together.
          Doug smiles and watches them play together.

          FADE OUT MUSIC CUE

          BUD (O.C.)
          Thought you might be out here.
          Doug turns and sees BUD, the owner of the diner, Bud has
          a seat next to him.

                         DOUG
          Hey, Bud. Look, I'm sorry we got your
          town in all this trouble. This trip was
          supposed to fix problems, not cause them.

                         BUD
          Well, maybe it's trying to and you just
          won't let it.

                         DOUG
          What do you mean?
          Bud smiles and looks out at the kids playing.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 90.

                         BUD
          It's the funny thing about life. It has
          to be an adventure to feel right. But
          when you become a husband and a Dad, you
          realize adventure is risk, and a family
          man has no place in his life for risk.
          Doug takes this in, then realizes.

                         DOUG
          You're right. That's why I stopped
          singing Bon Jovi. Life used to be a
          risk. That was old Doug. And now it's
          gone. I've taken away all the risk.

                         BUD
          Yup. And if you try to make livin' too
          safe, then it's not livin' at all.

                         DOUG
          It's not. And I have a will, now. So, I
          only have so much livin' left. And
          somehow I've lost the best part of it.

                         BUD
          Well, maybe these will help you find it.
          Bud puts a styrofoam container on Doug's lap. Doug looks
          into it.

                         DOUG
          These are worms.

                         BUD
          Yup. To fish with.

                         DOUG
          I don't get it.

                         BUD
          Friends that screw up. Angry bikers.
          That's not something you should be
          avoiding. That's something you need.
          Doug takes this in.

                         DOUG
          What's that have to do with worms?

                         BUD
          Go down to the lake and find out.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 91.
          Bud smiles and walks off. Doug looks down at the worms,
          considering...

          EXT. LAKE - LATER

          Doug walks up to the shore and sees Woody, trying to push
          a canoe towards the water. Woody notices Doug.

                         WOODY
          Hey.

                         DOUG
          Hey. Going fishing?

                         WOODY
          Yup.
          Woody gets the canoe to the water and looks back at Doug.

                         DOUG
          I've got worms.

                         (BEAT)
          I mean, in here.
          Doug holds up the styrofoam cup. Woody shrugs.

                         WOODY
          All right. Let's go.
          Doug helps Woody shove the boat out into the water. They
          both hop in as it floats away from the shore. They sit
          there staring off in silence.

                         DOUG
          Um... Look, man. I'm sorry about
          Claudia. And the job.

                         WOODY

                         (STARING OFF)
          Thanks.

                         DOUG
          But, you shouldn't have lied to us--

                         WOODY
          You know what? I screwed up! It
          happens. Maybe from now on I'm better
          off just doing things on my own!
          Woody starts to get up, but then looks at the water
          around him, and sits.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 92.

                         DOUG
          You would have stormed off right then,
          huh?

                         WOODY

                         (DEFLATED)
          Yeah.
          Doug nods and looks out at the water. They sit there in
          silence for another moment.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          I didn't want to lose, Doug. I've lost
          everything else and I didn't want to lose
          this trip with you guys. When we're
          together, it's like we're all college
          kids still. I'm not a guy with a broken
          marriage and failed career. I'm just
          with my best friends, being happy. And
          to keep it going, I forgot about what
          made it so great... That friends never
          let each other down. Until now. I
          screwed up the last thing I had left.
          You guys deserve better. I'm sorry--
          Woody eyes water a little and he quickly turns away from
          Doug. They sit there for another moment.

                         DOUG
          Well, what's the point of being in a
          motorcycle gang if we can't ourselves in
          a little trouble?
          Woody looks back at him. Doug smiles a little bit.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          It'll be okay, man.
          Woody smiles a little as well.

                         WOODY
          They won't kill us, right? Just a...
          really bad beating.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. We won't die. I don't think.

                         WOODY
          No way. And how much could a punch
          really hurt? Not much, probably.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 93.

                         DOUG
          Well, the good thing is we'll be able to
          know for sure. That'll be cool.

                         WOODY
          Let's go find the Bob and Dudley.
          Doug looks around the canoe for a paddle.

                         DOUG
          Did you bring the paddles?

                         WOODY
          No. I wasn't even going to take this
          thing out, but I didn't want you to think
          I was just standing at the lake waiting
          for you.

                         DOUG
          Why were you here?

                         WOODY
          Bud told me to stand at the lake and wait
          for you.
          Doug nods. Bob walks up on the shore, holding a
          styrofoam cup.

                         BOB
          Hey, guys.

                         DOUG
          Hey, Bob. Worms?
          Bob looks at the styrofoam cup and nods.

                         BOB
          Are we all good?

                         WOODY
          Yeah, Bob. We're all good.
          Woody smiles at Doug.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          Throw us that paddle.
          Bob nods and picks up a paddle. He throws it toward the
          canoe, but it lands ten yards short and sinks.

                         BOB
          Shit. Hold on.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 94.
          Bob grabs another paddle and throws it. This time it
          lands even shorter. Bob looks around for another paddle.

                         DOUG
          Were those the only two paddles?

                         BOB

                         (BUMMED)
          Yeah.

                         DOUG
          Oh.
          Bob sits down on the grass.

                         BOB
          You guys'll drift in.

                         DOUG

                         (BUMMED)
          Yeah.
          Woody and Doug look around at the water. It's as still
          as glass. They sit there awkwardly as Bob waits on
          shore.

          INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

          A cook from the diner is at the kitchen stove, making
          something in a big pot, as a crowd of townspeople eat in
          the kitchen and dining room. MAGGIE and DUDLEY cross
          through the kitchen, and out to the front porch.

          EXT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS

          Maggie sits on the porch swing and takes a breath.

                         MAGGIE
          Well, we can't seat many people in there,
          but at least we're back in business.

                         DUDLEY
          Sorry those jerks are in your diner.

                         MAGGIE
          Ah, we're used to them costing us money.
          Last year we spent more on window glass
          than pancake batter. All because of
          them.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 95.

                         DUDLEY
          It makes me sick. Thinking they're too
          good for pancakes.

                         MAGGIE
          No, I meant... They damage the diner a
          lot. They damage the whole town. I'm
          just sorry you guys got dragged into it.
          You were just out to have a good
          vacation.
          Dudley looks at Maggie sincerely.

                         DUDLEY
          This has been the best vacation of my
          life. I met you.
          Maggie blushes.

                         MAGGIE
          You bikers probably tell all the girls
          that.
          This hits Dudley. He suddenly looks troubled.

                         DUDLEY
          Maggie, I have to tell you something.
          I'm not really a cool biker or a cool...
          anything. I'm a computer programmer. A
          nerd. My cat doesn't even like me. She
          watches me sleep and I don't know why. I
          think she's waiting for me to stop
          breathing. I'm just a... Geek. I'm
          sorry if you thought I was somebody I'm
          not.
          Maggie takes this in. After a moment, she smiles and
          kisses Dudley.

                         MAGGIE
          You're not a geek, Dudley. You're sweet
          and your honest and... You're the
          coolest guy I know. Your cat is crazy if
          it doesn't like you as much as I do.
          Dudley smiles. He has completely fallen for her.

                         MAGGIE (CONT'D)
          Well, I better get back inside. I've got
          to set some chairs up in the family room
          for the lunch rush. People gotta eat.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 96.
          Maggie smiles and heads inside. Dudley watches her go,
          then grits his teeth.

                         DUDLEY
          Oh, people will eat. Don't you worry,
          Maggie. People will eat.

          SMASH CUT TO:

          INT. MAIN STREET DINER - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DUDLEY kicks open the front door. JACK and the other
          Hells Angels are inside, drinking and carrying on.

                         DUDLEY
          Alright, let's end this!
          The Hells Angels don't even notice him. Dudley bites his
          lip in frustration.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)

                         (YELLS)
          Hey! !
          Dudley takes a table full of empty beer glasses and flips
          it over. Everyone in the diner goes silent and looks at
          him. Jack stands up and smiles.

                         JACK
          Well, well. One of you came to face the
          music, huh? That's brave. And stupid.
          The Hells Angels laugh. Dudley takes a deep breath and
          walks up to Jack.

                         DUDLEY
          I'm not here to face any music. I'm here
          to make you a deal. A deal I think you'd
          be smart to take.

                         JACK
          Yeah? What deal?

                         DUDLEY
          You leave the town of Lucas, and my
          friends alone, and I do something for
          you. Something you can't live without.
          Jack looks interested. Dudley confidently sets a laptop
          on the counter, and punches a few keys. He swivels it
          around to show the gang.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 97.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          See where that says "Domain for sale?"
          Guess what that means. Your gang doesn't
          have a website! Nothing! No way to tell
          people about your history, post photos,
          sell shirts... You guys are living in
          the complete dark ages!
          (laughs cockily, then)
          So they way I see it: I need a favor
          from you and you need a favor from me.
          Jack walks over to the computer and looks at Dudley for a
          moment. He then picks the computer up and smashes it
          down on the ground. It breaks into a hundred pieces.
          Jack smiles at Dudley and puts his foot through what's
          left of it. The Hells Angels stifle laughter. Dudley is
          starting to look a little nervous.

                         JACK

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          No deal.
          Dudley nods.

                         DUDLEY
          Okay, then. Thanks for hearing me out.
          Dudley starts for the door, but several Hells Angels move
          over and block his path. Dudley stops and collects
          himself for a moment - then breaks into a panicked sprint
          for the other exit. The Hells Angels quickly spring into
          action and tackle him to the ground.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Sanctuary! Sanctuary!!
          The Hells Angels pull off him, confused.

                         OILCAN
          What?

                         DUDLEY
          Sanctuary. You have to take me to a
          church and leave me alone.
          The Hells Angels look at each other and shrug.

                         OILCAN

                         (TO DUDLEY)
          No we don't.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 98.

                         DUDLEY

                         (DEFEATED)
          I know.
          The Hells Angels move back in on him. Dudley closes his
          eyes and rolls into a ball.

          EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SAME TIME

          DOUG, BOB, and WOODY are walking back from the lake, and
          pass by Maggie's house. BUD, standing on the porch, sees
          them and smiles.

                         BUD
          If you're heading back to town, I
          wouldn't go on an empty stomach.
          The guys see Bud and smile.

                         BUD (CONT'D)
          Come have lunch. This is kind of our
          "fallout" diner. Smaller kitchen, but
          less piss on the bathroom floor.

                         DOUG
          Well, we can change that.
          Bud laughs as the guys enter the house.

          INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DOUG, BOB and WOODY are sitting at one of many card
          tables arranged in the family room, eating lunch.
          CHARLEY enters through the front door..

                         CHARLEY
          Hey, guys. Having your final meal?
          Charley laughs. Doug, Bob and Woody don't.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          Sorry.

                         BOB

                         (TO CHARLEY)
          Where are Buck and Earl?

                         CHARLEY
          They're coming. Buck's ear is giving him
          some equilibrium problems.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 99.
          EARL ENTERS, holding the door open for BUCK, who walks
          through slowly.

                         EARL

                         (TO BUCK)
          Just keep your eyes forward and head up.

                         BUCK
          I'm fine.
          Buck walks a few more steps, then starts to tilt left.
          He quickly loses his balance and falls sideways, taking
          out a card table full of food and the old man sitting at
          it.

                         EARL
          Goddammit.
          Earl helps Buck up and they join the guys at their table.

                         BUCK
          Hey, guys. Having your final meal?
          Buck and Earl laugh. Nobody else does.

                         CHARLEY
          (sternly, to Buck and Earl)
          That's out of line, guys.

                         EARL
          Sorry.
          Buck looks around the table.

                         BUCK
          Hey, isn't one of you missing?

                         WOODY
          Yeah, Dudley's with Maggie somewhere.
          MAGGIE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN and approaches the table.

                         MAGGIE
          Hey, guys. Where's Dudley?

                         DOUG
          He's with you, isn't he?

                         MAGGIE
          No. I thought he went to find you guys.
          Doug shares a worried glance with Bob and Woody.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 100.

                         DOUG

                         (TO CHARLEY)
          Charley, can I borrow your phone?
          Charley hands it to him, and Doug starts to dial.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Dudley has mine. I'll just call him.

                         WOODY
          He has a phone? What happened to
          freedom?

                         DOUG
          He needed to call his answering machine
          so his cat could hear his voice.

                         (THEN)
          Here we go. It's ringing...

                         (TO MAGGIE)
          He probably snuck off somewhere to buy
          you some romantic gift or something. No
          big deal.

                         BOB
          That's it. He's never had a girlfriend
          so he's probably getting carried away.
          He once drank eighteen Mocha Latte's
          because the Starbucks clerk was smiling
          at him.

                         WOODY
          I remember that. His pee turned brown
          and he started crying.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. And the girl wasn't even smiling -
          she just had a cleft lip.

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Hello? Dudley?

                         INTERCUT WITH:

          INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS

          Jack stands next to Dudley, who is duct-taped to a chair
          with so much tape that it looks like he's in a cocoon.
          Only his head is uncovered. Jack holds Dudley's
          cellphone.

                         JACK

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Try again, asshole.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 101.

          INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS


                         DOUG
          (knowingly, to group)
          Nope. The Hells Angels have him.
          Doug gives a look to the other guys. They mouth "Shit:"

          INT. MAIN STREET DINER - SIMULTANEOUS


                         JACK

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Damn right, the Hells Angels. Your
          friend paid us a little visit. And now
          he's hurting reeeeal bad.

                         DUDLEY
          No, I actually feel pretty--
          Jack kicks Dudley's chair with his foot. It tips over
          and lands on it's side - with Dudley in it. Dudley looks
          out at the floor, helpless.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Ow!

                         (THEN)
          Hey, a peanut.
          Dudley tries to stick his tongue out to get the peanut.
          Jack notices and kicks it away.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Crap.

                         JACK

                         (INTO PHONE)
          So here's what we're going to do, now.
          You guys are going to pay us a visit.
          And you're going to bring a "disobedience
          fee," of ten thousand dollars. Cash.
          And don't even think about calling any
          cops. Just you guys and ten grand. And
          if you don't show up in an hour - Well
          then, We'll just take the fine out of
          your friend's legs... Which we're going
          to break with a tire iron.

                         DUDLEY
          (yelling to phone)
          Don't bring the money, guys!

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 102.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          I'm a computer programmer! I don't need
          my legs!
          Jack considers this and turns back to the phone.

                         JACK

                         (INTO PHONE)
          His hands! We'll break his hands!

                         DUDLEY
          Dammit.
          (yelling to phone)
          Bring the money!

          INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - SIMULTANEOUS

          Doug shakes his head at Dudley's stupidity.

                         DOUG

                         (INTO PHONE)
          We'll bring the money. Just don't touch
          our friend!

          INT. BIKER BAR - SIMULTANEOUS


                         JACK

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Oh, I won't touch him if you bring that
          money. But if you don't, I'll be
          touching him all night long. And I'll be
          enjoying it.
          The other bikers suddenly stifle laughter.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          What!? There was nothing wrong with that
          one! That was tough! Those guys are
          afraid of me, now. They know how much I
          want 'em!
          The gang laughs again.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          Shut up!!
          The gang stops laughing, off Jack's warning glare.
          Dudley looks up from the floor.

                         DUDLEY
          Hey can we call my cat, now? She needs
          to hear my voice.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 103.
          Jack looks down at Dudley, then to the other bikers.

                         JACK

                         (TO BIKERS)
          Get me more duct tape?
          A biker nods and grabs another role of duct tape. He
          heads over to Dudley.

                         DUDLEY
          Crap.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. BUD AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DOUG sits in a chair, deep in thought. BOB, WOODY, EARL,
          BUCK, and BUD stand with other members of the town.
          MAGGIE is on a couch, sobbing into her hands.

                         MAGGIE

                         (CRYING)
          Sweet Dudley. He went there to save
          everybody and now they're going to break
          his hands.

                         DOUG
          No they aren't. We're going to get him
          back.

                         CHARLEY
          We sure are. I'm going to call the
          Highway Patrol. They'll be there in--

                         BOB
          No way. They said no law. We can't risk
          them doing anything to Dudley.

                         WOODY
          Bob's right. We can call the Highway
          Patrol after we get Dud back, but we
          shouldn't piss these guys off while he's
          still in their hands.

                         BOB
          I'm going to call Karen and have the cash
          wired out of our savings.

                         WOODY
          No. No way. This is my fault. All this
          is my fault. I have some money in my
          severance package. We're using it.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 104.

                         MAGGIE
          Wait, he did this because of me. I have
          a thousand dollars in tip money I want to
          put in.

                         BUD
          I have a couple thousand in the diner
          emergency fund I'll put in, too.
          Doug, who has been thinking all this over, stands up from
          his chair.

                         DOUG
          No. Nobody is paying anything.
          Everyone stops and gives Doug a puzzled look. He has a
          new fire behind his eyes. His suburban quietude has
          transformed into something more... valiant.

                         WOODY
          What?

                         DOUG
          We're not calling the Highway patrol.
          We're not gathering ten thousand dollars.
          We're going over there and getting our
          friend back.

                         CHARLEY
          I don't think that's the safest plan.

                         DOUG
          It's not. But sometimes you have to do
          the things that aren't safe, to create a
          world that you're happy being in. These
          Hells Angels don't want our ten thousand
          dollars. They want our dignity. They
          want us to be afraid of them just like
          this town is. And once they know we're
          afraid, they can do whatever they want.
          That's how these guys exist. That's how
          they ride into this town and tear it to
          pieces... Because people want to keep
          their lives safe so badly, they give up
          the best part about it...
          Doug takes his Wild Hogs jacket and pulls it on.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          .The adventure.
          Doug looks at Woody and Bob. Woody smiles and pulls on
          his jacket.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 105.

                         WOODY
          And the friends.
          Woody steps over to Doug. Bob looks at them for a
          moment, then finally smiles and pulls on his jacket.

                         BOB
          Let's go slap the bull.
          Doug smiles and taps fists with Bob and Woody.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. MAIN STREET - LATER


          MUSIC CUE: BLUE OYSTER CULT'S "(DON'T FEAR) THE REAPER."
          DOUG, BOB and WOODY walk along main street, shoulder to
          shoulder. They look to each other with a smile. Even
          though they're walking into the mouth of the beast,
          they're finally who they were in college again.
          Fearless. They approach the diner and stand out on the
          street, like gunslingers in the Old West, calling their
          enemy out of the saloon.

          MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT
          The front door of the bar opens and the HELLS ANGELS
          swagger out. After a moment, the gang parts and JACK
          steps out in front of them.

                         JACK
          Well, well. The "Wild Hogs." I'm glad
          to see you're finally showing us a little
          respect.

                         DOUG
          Where's Dudley?
          Jack turns back and nods at one of the Hells Angels.
          They push DUDLEY forward. We see he is now completely
          cocooned in duct-tape - like a mummy. There is only a
          small slit for his mouth and eyes.

                         DUDLEY
          (muffled from tape)
          Hey, guyth.
          Doug shakes his head.

                         DOUG
          Just hold tight, Dudley.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 106.
          Dudley tries to nod, but can't. He leans his torso back
          and forth to signal "yes."

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (TO JACK)
          All right. Hand him over.

                         JACK
          Sure. Where's the cash?
          Doug looks to Bob and Woody. They nod encouragingly.
          Doug gathers his courage and turns back to Jack.

                         DOUG
          We're not giving you any money.
          Jack looks surprised.

                         JACK
          Excuse me?

                         DOUG
          We're not going to play your games.
          We're all adults, here. It's not
          highschool. I'm sorry your bar got
          burned down, and we'll be glad to help
          you get it rebuilt, but we're done being
          bullied by you. Now give us back Dudley,
          and get out of this town.
          The Hells Angels start to laugh. Jack turns back to them
          and smiles, "Can you believe these guys?" Doug is
          starting to lose his cool.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          (yells to Jack)
          Give us back our friend, asshole!
          The Hells Angels are suddenly silent. Jack turns back
          and looks at Doug in disbelief - then rage. Doug starts
          to look a little worried.

                         JACK
          What did you just call me?

                         DOUG
          (losing some confidence)
          Ass... hole.

                         JACK
          You know what? I was just going to
          pulverize your friend, here.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 107.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          But now I'm pissed off. You're all going
          to get hurt. Hells Angels style. Guys!
          The Hells Angles nod and pick up various weapons:
          Crowbars, tire irons, bats... They start moving towards
          Doug, Woody and Bob. Bob looks to Doug.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          What!? I thought they'd back down!

                         WOODY
          We can still outrun them. They're fat.
          Woody turns around to see Hells Angles have now closed in
          behind them, blocking their escape. Jack smiles.

                         JACK
          Hear that, guys!? He called you all fat!

                         WOODY
          shit.
          (to Hells Angels)
          I meant full-figured.
          The Hells Angels close to within a few feet of the "Wild
          Hogs," and raise their weapons to strike.

                         DOUG
          Wait!! Wait a minute!
          The Hells Angels stop.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (TO JACK)
          You want to beat the shit out of us?
          Fine. But you outnumber us forty to
          three. You think there's honor in that?
          Why don't we make it fair, if you guys
          are so freaking tough? The leader of our
          gang against the leader of yours.
          Jack smirks. He's twice as big as Doug.

                         JACK
          Me against you?

                         DOUG
          Yeah. But not just for Dudley. If you
          win, we'll give you ten grand and go back
          home. You'll never see us again. But...
          If I win, you let Dudley go and you never
          set foot in Lucas again. This town is
          off limits to the Hells Angels. Forever.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 108.
          Jack looks back to the Hells Angels, who chuckle. This
          will be a quick fight.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Well? You in, or are you too much of a
          bitch?
          The Hells Angels freeze. Jack grits his teeth in rage
          and turns back to Doug.

                         JACK
          All right. Let's party, tough guy.

                         DOUG
          Great.
          Doug nods, trying to look confidant, but it's quickly
          fading away.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (UNSURE)
          Great.

                         CUT TO:

          EXT. TOWN SQUARE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

          DOUG and JACK are standing "in their corners," opposite
          each other in the dirt parking lot. They're surrounded
          by a circle of Hells Angels, rowdily waiting for the
          fight to commence. WOODY and BOB coach Doug in his
          corner.

                         WOODY
          Just stay clear of the big punches.
          You've got more stamina than this guy.

                         DOUG
          All right. When do I hit back?

                         WOODY
          Um... Just try and get him tired. I
          don't think punches will do much to him.
          Doug gives Woody a concerned look. Woody shrugs. Jack
          steps into the circle and throws off his jacket.

                         JACK

                         (CALLING OUT)
          Time for your beating, yuppie!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          7/06/05 109.
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          Tell my wife I won - then got hit by a
          truck.
          Doug takes a deep breath and starts into the circle.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (TO JACK)
          All right. Let's do this--
          Doug doesn't even finish his sentence as Jack lands a
          punch on the side of his head. Doug is stunned, as Jack
          sends his other fist crashing into Doug's forehead. Doug
          goes flying backwards, and falls down in the dirt. The
          Hells Angels cheer. Jack high fives them as Doug
          struggles back to his feet and looks back at Woody and
          Bob, cradling his face.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Ow! Dammit Jesus that hurt!

                         (TO WOODY)
          It really hurts. Damn!
          Jack comes back over to Doug. Jack throws another right,
          but this time Doug ducks, still cradling his jaw.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Yes!--
          But Doug is instantly punched in the stomach by Jack's
          other fist. Doug winces as he doubles over in agony.
          Drool drips out of his mouth. This isn't pretty.
          Jack takes him by the back of the shirt and lifts him
          into the air. The Hells Angels cheer as Jack tosses Doug
          five yards into the dirt.

                         JACK
          Don't get tired yet. The hurt is just
          beginning.
          Doug tries to stand back up, but it's getting harder. He
          slyly grabs a handful of sand as he starts to stand.

                         DOUG
          Hah!
          Doug whips around and throws the sand towards Jack's
          face; However, his aim is off. The sand hits Jack in the
          chest and falls away. Jack looks at Doug and shakes his
          head.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 110.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Damn.
          Jack punches Doug square in the face again. Doug
          crumples to the ground in pain. Jack turns back to the
          Hells Angels.

                         JACK
          Man, this isn't even a workout.
          Jack laughs and puts his aviator sunglasses back on, as
          Doug quickly stands up and whips around at him.

                         DOUG
          Ahhh!
          Doug throws another handful of sand. This time he aims
          carefully; but Jack now has sunglasses on. The sand
          bounces harmlessly off the lenses. Doug cringes and
          waits for the punch, which comes like a freight train
          into his stomach. Doug doubles over again as Jack lines
          up another punch.

                         JACK
          This one's gonna break bone.

                         DOUG
          Wait! Wait--
          Doug straightens up and looks curiously at Jack's mouth.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          Your tooth-- That's an acute periodontal
          abscess.

                         JACK
          What?

                         DOUG
          look, I really hate you, but I don't want
          to feel responsible for a death. I'm a
          dentist. I took an oath. Same one as
          doctors. If the infection in that tooth
          gets to the root - it could seep into
          your nervous system. Just let me look--
          Doug slowly reaches towards Jack's mouth. Jack doesn't
          move.

                         JACK
          You're a dentist?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 111.

                         DOUG
          Yeah. One of the best. And I know when
          your gums are that swollen and your

                         BICUSPID--
          And Wham! Doug punches Jack square in the mouth. Jack
          goes down hard. Woody and Bob cheer.

                         BOB
          Yeah, Doug!

                         WOODY
          Quick! Start kicking him! Don't let him
          get up!
          Doug nods and goes to kick Jack, but Jack grabs the foot
          and pushes him backwards. Doug falls back to the dirt.
          Jack stands up and dusts himself off.

                         JACK
          All right. Now you're going to die.
          Jack approaches Doug, who closes his eyes and waits for
          the end.

                         WOODY
          Wait!!
          Jack turns around as WOODY walks into the circle.

                         WOODY (CONT'D)
          Doug's not the leader of this gang. I--
          Jack instantly punches Woody in the face. Woody falls
          down next to Doug. Doug turns his head to Woody.
          They're both bleeding from their noses and lips.

                         DOUG

                         (TO WOODY)
          Thanks, man.

                         WOODY
          Sure.
          Jack looks at Bob.

                         JACK
          Anybody else the leader of this gang?
          Bob takes a deep breath, and bends down an grabs a long
          lead pipe. He starts towards Jack.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 112.

                         BOB
          Alright, Mother f--
          Bob suddenly trips on the lead pipe and hits the ground.
          Doug shakes his head.

                         DOUG

                         (TO BOB)
          Just stay down.
          Bob nods.

                         JACK
          Well, I guess that's all of you--
          DUDLEY, still covered in tape, comes running into the
          circle from the other side.

                         DUDLEY
          Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
          Dudley charges Jack, but his limited mobility results not
          in a tackle, but in him leaning on Jack. After a moment,
          Jack takes a step back and Dudley falls to the ground.

                         DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Ow.
          Jack cracks his knuckles and looks to OILCAN.

                         JACK
          Give me the crowbar.
          Oilcan nods and hands it to Jack. Jack smiles at the
          four fallen Wild Hogs.

                         JACK (CONT'D)
          Guess you guys are wishing you'd
          listened, now, huh?
          Jack smiles as we hear:

                         SFX: SIREN
          Jack and the Hells Angels look up the road.
          ANGLE ON: DOWN STREET. CHARLEY is riding his shiny
          Harley Davidson police bike. Behind him are BUCK and
          EARL, driving a police cruiser. Behind the cruiser is a
          large group of people carrying rakes, hedge clippers,
          brooms... It's all the citizens of Lucas.
          ANGLE ON: Hells Angels. They're stunned.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 113.
          CHARLEY pulls up to the group and gets off his
          motorcycle.

                         CHARLEY
          All right, Jack. That'll be enough of
          that.

                         JACK
          Are you kidding? And what makes you
          think you can ride a motorcycle without
          our permission?

                         CHARLEY
          I'll ride whatever I want from now on.
          I'm the sheriff of Lucas, and I'm not
          tolerating any more lawlessness.
          BOB helps DOUG, WOODY, and DUDLEY to their feet, as Jack
          takes a step towards Charley.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          I'd stop right there, Jack.
          Earl and Buck get out of the cruiser with two shotguns.
          They cock the guns and walk to Charley's side. Jack
          looks concerned.

                         JACK
          What? You're going to shoot us?

                         CHARLEY
          No. Not unless you want to do something
          stupid like ignoring--
          Buck grabs his missing ear as he starts to loose his
          balance. He tips over and falls. As he hits the ground,
          the shotgun fires and hits OILCAN in the leg. Oilcan
          falls to the ground.

                         OILCAN
          Ahhhhhh! He shot me! I just got shot!!
          Charley looks over at Buck, then back to Jack.

                         CHARLEY
          Um... Yeah, I guess we're going to shoot
          you.
          The Hells Angels suddenly look nervous, and back up a few
          steps. Charley steps towards Jack.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 114.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          We're not going to live in fear of your
          gang anymore, Jack. If the Wild Hogs can
          stand up to you - so can everyone of us.
          The crowd of townspeople gathers behind Charley and nods.

                         BUD

                         (FROM CROWD)
          That's right. You mess up our town,
          we'll do the same to you!
          The crowd cheers as THOMAS MILBORN, the guy Earl pointed
          out as a child molester, steps forward.

                         THOMAS MILBORN
          Yeah! People like you are the scum of
          the earth!
          The crowd is silent for a moment, then hesitantly gives a
          uncomfortable cheer. Charley turns back to the Hells
          Angels.

                         CHARLEY
          The point is, from now on you need to
          treat Lucas with kindness and respect.
          And when you do, you'll be treated the
          same. And if you don't...
          Charley looks over at OILCAN, who's tending to the bullet
          wound in his thigh.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          Then I guess we'll keep... shooting you.
          Got it?
          Jack looks at all the townspeople. He knows he's beaten.
          He nods bitterly.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          Good. Now I'd like you to untape our
          friend Dudley.
          Jack signals to one of the Hells Angels. He grabs
          Dudley's tape and spins him around to untape him.

                         DUDLEY
          Ow. Ow! Ow, ow. Ow. Ow!...
          After a painful minute, Dudley is untaped. Charley looks
          at Jack's jacket.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 115.

                         CHARLEY
          And I believe that's his jacket.
          Jack begrudgingly takes off Dudley's "Wild Hogs" jacket
          and tosses it to him. Dudley proudly puts it on.

                         CHARLEY (CONT'D)
          And as I recall, that '51 Panhead was
          traded to Dudley.
          Jack looks over at the mint condition motorcycle and
          shakes his head.

                         JACK
          No way. He can have his Sportster back.

                         CHARLEY
          Uh uh. A deal's a deal, Jack.
          Jack grits his teeth and throws a set of keys at Dudley.
          The crowd chatters in approval as Dudley gets on the '51
          Panhead and starts the engine. He revs it a few times
          and Jack shoots Doug an infuriated glare.

                         JACK

                         (TO DOUG)
          Hope you're happy. You suburban posers
          are a disease. You need to learn some
          damn respect for real bikers.
          Doug smiles.

                         DOUG
          You still don't get it do you, Jack?

                         JACK
          Get what?

                         DOUG
          We are the real bikers.
          As Doug says this, Dudley kicks the Panhead into gear and
          shoots forward - out of control. He instantly crashes
          into a steel light post. Everyone in the crowd cringes

                         DUDLEY LOOKS
          as the bike falls over in a crumpled heap.
          up from the ground.

                         DUDLEY
          Yeah, I'll take the Sportster back, I
          guess.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 116.
          Jack just stares at the trashed motorcycle, mortified.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. STREET OUTSIDE POLICE STATION - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

          It's later that afternoon in Lucas. DOUG, BOB and WOODY
          walk to their motorcycles with CHARLEY, EARL and BUCK.

                         CHARLEY
          Well, I wish you guys would stay longer.

                         DOUG
          Ahh, we should be heading back. I think
          we've had enough excitement for one trip.
          Earl steps forward and shakes Doug's hand.

                         EARL
          You guys were a blessing to this place.
          I mean... I'm not going to get all
          emotional like "hamburger head" here
          always does.
          Earl laughs and looks to his left. Buck isn't there. He
          quickly looks to the right, where Buck is staring at him
          in disbelief.

                         BUCK
          What'd you just call me?

                         EARL

                         (CAUGHT)
          Um...

                         BUCK
          It's just a little scar! I'm still
          better looking than you!
          Buck goes to storm off, but after a few steps, tilts left
          and falls over.

                         BUCK (CONT'D)

                         (FROM GROUND)
          Dammit!
          Doug shakes his head, then turns to Woody and Bob.

                         DOUG
          (to Woody and Bob)
          You guys ready to head back?

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 117.
          Woody takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

                         WOODY
          You know what? I think I'm going to
          press on. Keep heading West.

                         DOUG
          You are?

                         WOODY
          Yeah. Why not? I feel good about my
          life again. And I'd like to see what San
          Francisco's all about.
          Doug nods and looks to Bob. You can tell he wants to go.

                         BOB
          I'm in, too! Let's ride to San--
          Suddenly, a mini-van pulls up. KAREN and KELLY hop out.

                          BOB / DOUG
          Karen? / Kelly?

                         KAREN

                         (TO BOB)
          I told you I was coming, Bob!

                         KELLY

                         (TO DOUG)
          Hey, honey.
          Kelly kisses Doug. He smiles, glad to see her.

                         DOUG
          Hey, baby. What are you doing here?

                         KELLY
          Karen said you guys were in trouble. I
          kept calling your cell, but somebody
          programmed it to not receive calls from
          our house.
          Doug shoots Woody a look.

                         WOODY

                         (CAUGHT)
          Excuse me.
          Woody hurries over to his bike. KAREN turns to BOB.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 118.

                         KAREN
          Well, I hope you guys had a nice trip.
          Now get in the van. We're going home.

                         BOB
          Um... Actually, we just decided we were
          going to keep pressing West for a few--

                         KAREN
          Oh, no. No way! I came all the way out
          here, rented a car, drove to this podunk

                         LITTLE TOWN--
          As Karen is saying this, Bob looks over at the guys, then
          back to Karen. He can't take it anymore.

                         BOB
          --Karen!
          Karen stops talking, shocked by Bob raising his voice.

                         BOB (CONT'D)
          Listen to me. This is My vacation and if
          I want to ride on with my friends, well
          that's what I'm going to do! And if you
          have a problem with that, well... Tough
          shit!
          There's a moment of silence as Karen absorbs this. The
          guys all look at Bob proudly. After a few seconds,
          Karen's face softens.

                         KAREN

                         (SUDDENLY MEEK)
          Okay. Sorry... Just... be careful.
          Karen shyly kisses Bob on the cheek. Bob can't believe
          it.

                         BOB
          I will. And... I love you.
          Bob smiles at her and gets on his bike.
          ANGLE ON: DOUG and KELLY. Kelly looks at Doug.

                         KELLY
          So are you going, too?

                         DOUG
          I hadn't really decided. I have been
          having a good time, though.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 119.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)

                         (SMILES)
          I even got beaten up.
          Doug winks cockily. Kelly lights up.

                         KELLY
          There he is! I saw old Doug!
          Doug blushes.

                         DOUG
          You'll see him even more if you and Billy
          meet me in San Francisco. We've got a
          suite at the Ritz-Carlton.
          Doug smiles and gets onto his motorcycle. Kelly looks
          concerned.

                         KELLY
          What about work? And Billy's school?
          Doug shrugs like he hasn't a care in the world.

                         DOUG
          Ahh. We can risk it.
          Kelly smiles and kisses him proudly. Doug grabs her face
          and kisses her back... Then, turns to Woody and Bob.

                         DOUG (CONT'D)
          We ready?

                         WOODY
          I think so. Dudley? What do you think?
          The camera PULLS OUT to reveal DUDLEY, sitting on his
          motorcycle. Next to him, is MAGGIE, sitting in the rusty
          sidecar now attached to Dudley's bike. She's wearing
          Dudley's goggles and nods to him encouragingly. Dudley
          looks back over to Doug, Bob and Woody.

                         DUDLEY
          Let's ride.
          They start their motorcycles. The engines roar to life.

                         DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. HIGHWAY U.S. 50 - LATER THAT DAY

          The four motorcycles (and one sidecar) cruise down the
          open highway. The guys smile as the wind blows in their
          faces.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          "Wild Hogs" writers first draft 7/06/05 120.
          It's freedom, joy and friendship all wrapped up in one
          expression. The camera PANS AROUND THEM, and finally
          ZOOMS IN ON DOUG. We see his eyes sparkle a little bit,
          and he opens his mouth:

                         DOUG

                         (SINGING)
          I walk these streets, a loaded six string
          on my back.
          I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make
          it back...
          I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride!
          I'm wanted...
          The other guys smile and join in:

          DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
          Dead or alive!
          They all look at each other as they continue to sing over
          the roar of the engines:

          DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY (CONT'D)
          Ohh, I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my
          side!

                         I'M WANTED--

                         DOUG
          Wante-ee--ed!

          DOUG/BOB/WOODY/DUDLEY
          Dead or aliiiivvvee!

          MUSIC CUE: BON JOVI'S "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE."
          The camera slowly PULLS OUT TO AN AERIAL SHOT, as the
          guys joyfully ride along the sunlit highway.
          It's a good day to be a Wild Hog.

                         FADE OUT:

                         END CREDITS