Actor Point >> Movie Scripts >> Yes Man Film Script

Yes Man Movie Script

Writer(s) : Nicholas Stoller, Danny Wallace

Genres : Comedy, Romance

Search IMDb : Yes Man


           
          
          
                              YES MAN
          
          
          
                             Written by
          
                          Nicholas Stoller
          
          
          
          
                         Based On the Book
          
                   "The Yes Man" by Danny Wallace
          
          
          
          
                                                     First Draft
                                                February 2, 2007
          
          
          
          
          
          EXT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
          
          It's New Year's Eve at Rudy's, a hole-in-the-wall dive.
          People stream into the bar to celebrate. Outside, CARL
          KENDALL (30s) and his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend KATH are
          having a quiet intense discussion.
          
                              KATH
                    You don't do anything more. You
                    used to be fun. Now you hardly
                    ever even leave your apartment.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm here, aren't I?
          
                              KATH
                    That's because it's New Year's Eve.
                    You have to be here. Besides, it's
                    not only social stuff. You used to
                    have dreams. You wanted to go to
                    business school, you wanted to work
                    for the World Bank.
          
                              CARL
                    So I discovered b-school's not for
                    me. People grow.
          
                              KATH
                    Growing is "X is not for me so I'll
                    do Y." You went X is not for me
                    and so I guess I'll sit on the
                    couch for the rest of my life.
          
                              CARL
                        (ACQUIESCING)
                    Well, look, this sucks, but I
                    understand where you're coming
                    from.
          
                              KATH
                    This is the problem. You don't
                    even care that I'm breaking up with
                    you.
          
                              CARL
                    Of course I care.   But I also
                    understand.
          
                              KATH
                    You shouldn't just understand. You
                    should be mad. Or upset. Or sad.
                    Or something.
          
                                                                   2.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    We're at different places in our
                    lives. I get it.
          
                              KATH
                    Your girlfriend of two years breaks
                    up with you right before New Year's
                    Eve and all you can say is "I get
                    it?" It is completely within your
                    right to call me a bitch.
          
                              CARL
                    That would be inappropriate.
          
                              KATH
                        (tearing up)
                    I can't believe I've been dating
                    someone so emotionless.
          
                               CARL
                    C'mere.   It'll be OK.
          
          Carl hugs her.
          
          
          INT. RUDY'S - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Rudy's is a dive bar. Dartboard, pool table, scuffed wooden
          floors, Miller Lite sign, etc. The patrons are all FACING
          THE GIANT TELEVISION. The New Year's Ball is DROPPING.
          Among the patrons is our hero Carl, his best friend PETER,
          Peter's girlfriend LUCY, their party friend ROONEY and his ex-
          girlfriend, Kath who's still a little red-eyed.
          
                              PATRONS
                    Three, two, one... happy New Year!
          
          Everyone BLOWS NOISEMAKERS and POPS CHAMPAGNE.
          
                              PATRONS (cont'd)
                        (SINGING)
                    Should auld acquaintance be forgot
                    and never brought to mind? Should
                    auld acquaintance be forgot and
                    days of auld lang syne?
          
                              CARL
                    Well, that was fantastic.   Good
                    night, guys.
          
                              PETER
                    You're going, already?
          
                                                                    3.
          
          
          
                              KATH
                    We haven't even finished the song
                    yet.
          
                              CARL
                    I saw the ball drop and hugged all
                    of you. Aliens didn't invade. Our
                    computers are still working. What
                    else could possibly happen?
          
                              LUCY
                    Rooney might throw up.
          
                                 ROONEY
                    It's true.     I'm very close.
          
                              CARL
                    I see that happen like every night.
                    Good night and Happy New Year.
          
          Carl leaves.   His friends look concerned.
          
                              LUCY
                    How did he take the break-up?
          
                              KATH
                        (CRYING)
                    Like a robot. Two years, and
                    nothing.
          
                              LUCY
                    I'm so sorry.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
          
          Carl goes into his apartment. He lies down in his bed and
          closes his eyes. CLOSE ON THE ALARM. His alarm goes off.
          Carl HITS IT off. It's now DAYTIME.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - DAY
          
          Carl gets dressed.   He puts on a nametag for Southwest Bank.
          
          
          EXT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl walks down the street, fast. He passes a CUTE GIRL
          who's name we'll learn is RENEE passing out flyers for a band
          called "The Flying Buttresses."
          
                                                             4.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    Wanna rock out tonight?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't rock out.
          
          He walks into Dunkin Donuts.
          
          
          INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
          
          The Dunkin Donuts Cashier hands Carl his coffee.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Would you like an Italian-inspired
                    coffee flavoring?
          
                                 CARL
                    No thanks.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    How about the double doughnut
                    special?
          
                                 CARL
                    No.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LATER
          
          Carl sits at his cubicle, flips on his email.
          
                              CARL
                        (reading the email)
                    Dear Trusted Foreigner, Allow me to
                    introduce myself. I am the deposed
                    King of Nigeria and I wish to
                    propose a confidential transaction.
                        (to the computer)
                    Allow me to delete you, my liege.
          
          NORMAN, his needy boss, comes up to him.
          
                              NORMAN
                    My teller reporting for duty.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm not a soldier.
          
                               NORMAN
                    You're a soldier on the front line
                    of finance.
                        (THEN)
                               (MORE)
          
                                                                    5.
          
                              NORMAN (cont'd)
                    So, Carl, I'm having a party this
                    Friday. It's a funny hat party.
                    May I entreat you to come?
          
          Carl looks at his calendar.   It's totally empty.
          
                              CARL
                        (clearly lying)
                    I'm out of town.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOBBY
          
          Carl stands in the middle of the floor staring into the
          middle distance. A CUSTOMER approaches him.
          
                               BANK CUSTOMER
                    Hey, I need to speak to a loan
                    specialist and there's no one on
                    the floor.
          
                             CARL
                    Sorry. Today I'm officially a
                    greeter.
          
          Beat.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    But there's no one around.
          
                              CARL
                    Someone might come. And if I'm not
                    here, they won't be greeted.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    You're really not going to help me?
          
                              CARL
                    Until I'm relieved as a greeter, my
                    hands are tied.
          
          The Bank Customer sits down in the sectioned off waiting area
          as Carl stands in the middle of the floor. It is very
          awkward. No one comes in. Carl slowly moves so a column
          blocks the customer's view of him.
          
          Now that Carl's behind the column, he has a clear view of the
          entrance of the bank. Through the floor to ceiling windows,
          he sees the handsome NEW PRESIDENT OF SOUTHWEST BANK, CHRIS
          PARKER, tear up in a Mercedes. He steps out of the Mercedes
          with a hot girl on his arm. He and the girl walk into the
          bank. Carl stares at them, jealously.
          
                                                                        6.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Hey, there. I'm Chris Parker. The
                    new president of Southwest Bank.
                    Just wanted to come by and
                    personally introduce myself to
                    every branch manager.
          
                              NORMAN
                    That would be me.   Norman Calhoun.
          
          Chris turns to Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm Carl Kendall.   Just a teller.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I was "just a teller." And now I'm
                    "just president of the largest bank
                    in the Southwest."
                        (to Norman)
                    You need anything, you let
                    corporate know. You hear?
          
                              NORMAN
                    Definitely.
          
          Chris Parker and his HOT SECRETARY leaves.     Carl watches
          them, clearly jealous.
          
                              NORMAN (cont'd)
                    Nice work if you can get it.   Am I
                    right?
          
                              CARL
                        (clearly jealous)
                    Yeah, if you're into fake breasts
                    and German engineering.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Check and check.
          
          The Bank Customer comes around.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    Can you help me now?
          
                              CARL
                    No, but this gentleman can.
          
          Carl indicates Norman.   Norman goes to help the customer.
          
                                                                       7.
          
          
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
          Carl stares up at the clock.   The clock finally CLICKS TO
          5:00PM.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Think about my party, Carl!
          
                                 CARL
                    Will do!
          
          
          INT. CARL'S KITCHEN
          
          Carl microwaves a Lean Cuisine.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl watches Survivor while eating Lean Cuisine.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
          
          Carl lays down and closes his eyes. The alarm GOES OFF
          again. PULL BACK to reveal it's morning.
          
          
          INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
          
          Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Would you like an Italian --
          
                                 CARL
                    No thanks.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    How about --
          
                                 CARL
                    No.
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl ignores the girl handing out fliers.
          
                                                                         8.
          
          
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
                                 NORMAN
                       Valentine party. Just wear
                       something red!
          
                                   CARL
                       Can't.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
          Carl stares as the clock clicks to 5:00.        He's out the door.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S KITCHEN
          
          Carl warms up a frozen pizza.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl eats the frozen pizza and watches Big Brother.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
          
          Carl lies down.       The alarm FLIPS ON.
          
          QUICK CUTS:
          
          -- IN DUNKIN DONUTS
          
                                   CARL
                       No.
          
          -- ON THE STREET. Carl refuses the pamphlet.
          
          -- IN SOUTHWEST BANK
          
                                 NORMAN
                       Dress as your favorite animal --
          
                                   CARL
                       Sorry.
          
          -- CLOSE ON THE CLOCK.      IT FLIPS TO 5:00.
          
          -- AT HOME
          
          Carl eats frozen lasagna while watching The Amazing Race.
          
                                                                        9.
          
          
          
          THE IMAGES START TO MOVE FASTER:
          
          -- CARL IN DUNKIN DONUTS.
          
          -- CARL AT SOUTHWEST BANK TALKING TO NORMAN.
          
                              NORMAN
                    -- historical figure --
          
                                 CARL
                    No can do.
          
          THE CLOCK FLIPPING TO 5:00.
          
          -- CARL AT HOME EATING FROZEN MEATLOAF AND WATCHING Project
          Runway.
          
          -- CARL'S HEAD HITTING HIS BED.
          
          -- CARL WAKING UP.
          
          -- CARL SHAKING HIS HEAD `NO.'
          
          -- THE CLOCK FLIPPING TO 5:00.
          
          -- CARL'S HEAD HITTING THE BED.
          
          -- THE ALARM GOING OFF.
          
          It's now just a blur of images of Carl at Southwest Bank,
          shaking his head `no', eating Lean Cuisine and watching
          reality television.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM - NIGHT
          
          Carl's lying on his bed.      The phone is ringing.   He gets up
          and answers.
          
                                 CARL
                    Hello?
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (on the phone)
                    Carl. It's Peter. Where are you?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm in bed. Why?       What happened?
                    Did someone die?
          
                                                                     10.
          
          
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (on the phone)
                    No. It's just -- we're at Rudy's.
                    Celebrating New Year's.
          
          Carl looks at the alarm.     It's 11:15 PM.
          
                              CARL
                    It's already 11:15.     I don't think
                    I can make it.
          
                              PETER
                    Oh, c'mon, Carl. No one's seen you
                    for like forever. Please swing by?
          
                                CARL
                    No.
          
          TITLES UP: THE YES MAN
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Tell everyone Happy New Year.
          
          Carl lies down and hangs up the phone.
          
          CUT TO LATER
          
          Carl watches his alarm clock FLIP TO 12:00AM.     He closes his
          eyes and goes to sleep.
          
          
          EXT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
          Carl's eating lunch at a picnic table outside. Several bank
          employees smoke cigarettes near him. An oddly hyper guy
          named ALEX approaches Carl.
          
                              ALEX
                    Carl Kendall?
          
                              CARL
                    Alex Eberts? What's up, buddy?
          
          Alex hugs Carl.
          
                              ALEX
                    Too much! How've you been? I
                    can't believe you're still working
                    here.
          
                              CARL
                    Where've you been? Norman's been
                    heartbroken since you quit.
          
                                                                     11.
          
          
          
                              ALEX
                    Where've I been? You mean, where
                    haven't I been? This year. Dude.
                    I have lived. I climbed Mt.
                    Kilmanjaro. I ate bat in Laos. I
                    shot a cow with a bazooka. I'm not
                    proud of that last one but I did
                    it. How's the bank?
          
                              CARL
                    Same old same old.
          
                              ALEX
                    See? That's the problem. That's
                    everyone's problem. You've got one
                    life. Why waste it on the same old
                    same old?
          
          Alex hands Carl a pamphlet for a "Just Say Yes" seminar.
          
                              ALEX (cont'd)
                    I know this will sound queer, but
                    you have to hit this seminar. It
                    changed my life. It will change
                    yours. Unless you like the bank.
          
                               CARL
                    You kidding? Every day it's
                    impossible not to throw rocks at
                    the place.
                        (JOKING)
                    Since you don't work here anymore,
                    you want to throw a couple?
          
                              ALEX
                    Yes.
          
          Alex starts WHIPPING rocks at the bank.
          
                              CARL
                    What're you doing!   Stop that!   I
                    was kidding!
          
          Norman comes out.
          
                              NORMAN
                    What do you think you're doing?
                        (recognizing Alex)
                    Alex Eberts! Is this an alumnae
                    prank? I love pranks!
          
                              ALEX
                    Hey, Norman!
          
                                                                    12.
          
          
          
          Alex continues throwing rocks at the bank.
          
                              NORMAN
                        (into a walkie-talkie)
                    We have a situation.
          
          A couple portly security guards come out and wrestle Alex to
          the ground. He manages to escape and run from the bank.
          
                              ALEX
                    Go to the seminar, Carl!    You won't
                    be sorry!
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl walks into his apartment.    He hits PLAY on his answering
          machine.
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (over the answering
                         MACHINE)
                    Carl, it's Peter. I know you don't
                    do things anymore, but it'd mean a
                    lot if you'd come by Rudy's
                    tonight. Lucy and I are
                    celebrating our engagement.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - LATER
          
          Carl's watching Hell's Kitchen and eating a frozen pizza.
          There's a knock on the door. The "Just Say Yes" pamphlet
          balled up on his desk. He's using it as a napkin. Carl
          PAUSES the television show. He stands up and opens the door.
          Peter STUMBLES IN.
          
                              CARL
                    What are you doing here?
          
                              PETER
                    This is an intervention.    You've
                    missed your last event.
          
                              CARL
                    What're you talking about?
          
                              PETER
                    Our engagement party.
          
                                 CARL
                    I'm sorry.     I'm just really busy.
          
                                                13.
          
          
          
                    PETER
          You're watching Hell's Kitchen.
          That's not even B-list reality TV.
          
                    CARL
          So I don't want to go out tonight.
          Maybe I have to wake up early
          tomorrow. You don't know.
          
                    PETER
          It's bigger than that. You and
          Kath broke up over a year ago and
          you still aren't dating anyone.
          
                    CARL
          What? So? I'm like a sexual
          camel. I only need it once every
          couple years.
          
                    PETER
          I don't mean to be harsh but
          everyone's moving forward. It's
          like you're still wearing a Timex
          while the rest of us each have
          entry level Rolexes.
          
                    CARL
          You wear a Rolex?
          
                    PETER
          Thanks for noticing. It's an
          Oyster Perpetual Yachtmaster.
          Sapphire crystal, self-winding.
          Four Gs. But that's not the point
          I'm trying to make.
          
                    CARL
          So I don't have an oyster watch.
          All you and Lucy and Kath do is sit
          around and talk about real estate
          and Crate and Barrel.
          
                    PETER
          What's wrong with Crate and Barrel?
          They have adorable stuff at
          reasonable prices.
          
                    CARL
          Forget Crate and Barrel. Maybe I'm
          just getting more mature. I don't
          need the lifestyle ever night.
          
                                                 14.
          
          
          
                    PETER
          Lifestyle? You have to have a life
          to have a style of life. You never
          leave your apartment. You never
          meet anyone new.
          
                    CARL
          I hate meeting people.
          
                    PETER
          You've become a complete cave
          dweller.
          
                    CARL
          I am not a cave dweller. Just the
          other day, we all went to
          Summerfest and snuck backstage and
          you bet me I wouldn't steal
          something and so I stole a
          drumstick from that horrible
          Swedish hillbilly band. That's not
          very cave dweller of me.
          
                     PETER
          Just the other day?   That was seven
          years ago.
          
                    CARL
          But that's not possible -- I was
          already working at the bank by
          then.
          
                    PETER
          You had started there three years
          earlier. Why you've worked at that
          place for so long is beyond me.
          You had so much potential. You
          shouldn't be a teller. You should
          be the guy who tells the guy who
          tells the teller what to do.
          
                    CARL
              (SHOCKED)
          I've been a teller at Southwest
          Bank for ten years? How the hell
          did that happen?
              (doing the math)
          Ten years... if I had had a child,
          he'd be toilet-trained by now.
          
                    PETER
          Actually, he'd be in fourth grade.
          
                                                                   15.
          
          
          
                               CARL
                        (starting to panic)
                    I was making out with chicks by
                    fourth grade. I was a little man
                    by fourth grade.
                        (THEN)
                    Whatever. I don't need this shit
                    right now. I'm an adult man. I
                    can live my life as I see fit. Can
                    you please leave?
          
          Carl pushes Peter out the door. Carl sits down on the couch.
          He then unballs the "Just Say Yes" pamphlet. It features an
          Indian man smiling beatifically.
          
                                                        MATCH CUT TO:
          
          
          INT. HOLIDAY INN CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          A banner across a stage that has a photo of the same Indian
          man smiling beatifically. We PAN DOWN to find Carl among the
          crowd. Carl sits down next to a WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN.
          
                              WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
                    Is this your first time at one of
                    Sanji's lectures?
          
                               CARL
                        (SCOFFING)
                    Uh, yeah.
                        (THEN)
                    Have you been to this before?
          
                              WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
                    Only like fifty-eight times.
                    Sanji's a genius. Like
                    seriously... he will blow your mind
                    all over the goddamn room. He's
                    like a mind grenade.
          
                              CARL
                    I don't know if I want that.
          
                              WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
                    Oh you do not. But you need it.
                    And that's why you are here.
          
                              CARL
                    Cool. Do you want anything from
                    the refreshment area?
          
                                                                      16.
          
          
          
                              WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
                    You kidding? That processed shit
                    will kill you faster than a
                    pleasure cruise to Chernobyl.
          
          Carl heads over to the refreshment table. Once he's out of
          her sight, he sits down alone in a corner of the conference
          room. Ethereal music begins to play over the loudspeakers.
          People begin to sit. Carl sits down in the back.
          
                               SANJI (V.O.)
                    Life.   We are all living it.
          
          Carl laughs.   No one else does.   The lights get rosier.
          
                              SANJI (V.O.) (cont'd)
                    Or are we? Change doesn't start on
                    the surface. It's generated from
                    consciousness. But where is
                    consciousness generated from?
          
          Carl looks around.   Everyone is nodding along with it.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    From the external. And the
                    external is manipulated through our
                    choices. And our choices start
                    with one word.
          
          The music ABRUPTLY SWITCHES to the opening beats of "Jump" by
          the Pointer Sisters. The rosy colored lights FLIP TO BRIGHT
          WHITE and SWEEP ACROSS THE CONVENTION CENTER ROOM. It is
          suddenly like a rock concert. SANJI (50s) BUSTS THROUGH THE
          GIANT BANNER. The whole crowd starts CHEERING.
          
                               SANJI (cont'd)
                    Yes!
          
          Instead of "Jump", Sanji's yelling "Yes!"
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    Say yes! For your life! Yes!
                    Change starts now! Yes! Yes!
                    Yes! Say it with me! SAY YES!
          
          Sanji pumps his fist in the air as lame indoor fireworks GO
          OFF. The crowd JUMPS ON THEIR FEET.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    Are you ready to open the door to
                    yes?
          
                                                                      17.
          
          
          
                                 CROWD
                    Yes!
          
                              SANJI
                    I am sorry, my friends.      But I
                    cannot hear you?
          
                                 CROWD
                    Yes!
          
                                 SANJI
                    Shhhhhhh.
          
          The crowd quiets.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    Now is the time when we must greet
                    our new members. Who here is new?
                    Please, do not be shy.
          
                                 WIRY, CRUNCHY WOMAN
                    He is!
          
          The woman POINTS AT Carl.      The spotlight SWINGS OVER to Carl.
          He is annoyed.
          
                              SANJI
                    Come on up, Future Yes Man!
          
                                 CARL
                    That's OK.     I'm just auditing.
          
                              SANJI
                    You can't audit life!      Now get on
                    up here!
          
                              CARL
                    I'm cool right here.
          
                              SANJI
                    Then I will come to you!
          
          Sanji runs off the stage and joins Carl in the back of the
          conference hall. The spotlights follow him.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    What is your name?
          
                                 CARL
                    Carl.
          
                                                           18.
          
          
          
                              SANJI
                    Let me guess, Carl. This was not
                    your idea to come here, Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    I wouldn't say that.
          
                              SANJI
                    You can tell me, Carl.    We are all
                    alone, Carl.
          
          The crowd laughs.
          
                              CARL
                    It wasn't exactly my idea.
          
                              SANJI
                    That's what I thought, Carl. And
                    you think this is all bullshit,
                    Carl, isn't that right, Carl?
          
                                CARL
                    Honestly?
          
                              SANJI
                    Is there any other way?
          
                              CARL
                    This whole thing seems retarded.
          
                              SANJI
                    But you are stuck in your life,
                    Carl? Am I right?
          
                              CARL
                    I wouldn't necessarily --
          
                              SANJI
                    You once had a dream? You wanted
                    to own a boat? A house? A fancy
                    car? You wanted to a doctor, a
                    lawyer... a business man?
          
          Carl nods, surprised at Sanji's incisiveness.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    You wanted to be more than you are.
                    And yet you have suddenly woken up
                    to find life is passing you by. Am
                    I right, Carl?
          
                                                                       19.
          
          
          
          Sanji's suddenly getting to Carl. As Sanji talks to him, the
          moment between them becomes more and more intimate. It
          should feel like the rest of the crowd has disappeared.
          
                                CARL
                    A little.
          
                              SANJI
                    It's odd that ten years can pass
                    just like that.
          
          Sanji snaps.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    Isn't it, Carl?
          
                                CARL
                    It is.
          
                              SANJI
                    I want you to do something for me,
                    Carl. Tomorrow, I want you only to
                    say yes. Can you do that for me?
                    For one day, Carl?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm not sure --
          
                              SANJI
                    Please, Carl. Do it for me and you
                    will be doing it for yourself. If
                    you don't have the best day in ten
                    years then I am the uncle of a
                    monkey. Will you do it for me
                    Carl? Just for a day?
          
                                CARL
                    Yes?
          
          Sanji grabs Carl hand and PULLS HIM to his feet.   We PULL
          BACK and the crowd CHEERS.
          
                              SANJI
                    Welcome to the world of yes!
          
          Fireworks and confetti go off.    The Wiry, Anxious Woman Gives
          Carl a creepy thumbs up.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
          
          Carl's asleep. The phone starts ringing.     Carl sleepily
          grabs the phone.
          
                                                                       20.
          
          
          
                                 CARL
                    Yello.
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (on the phone)
                    Carl, it's Peter. I just wanted to
                    apologize about barging in
                    yesterday. You were right. It's
                    your life to live.
          
                              CARL
                    Don't worry about it.
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (on the phone)
                    Me, Lucy and Kath are all going out
                    for brunch. You have any interest
                    in joining?
          
                              CARL
                    Oh, thanks for the invite, but...
          
          FLASH OF SANJI LOOMING LARGE IN CARL'S EYES.
          
                               SANJI
                    Will you do it for me Carl?       Just
                    for a day?
          
          BACK TO CARL AND PETER.       We CLOSE IN ON CARL'S MOUTH.
          
                                 CARL
                           (in slo-mo)
                    Yes.
          
                                 PETER
                    Excuse me?
          
                              CARL
                        (clearly not wanting to)
                    Yes. I will come to brunch.
          
          
          EXT. STACKERS - MORNING
          
          Stackers is a cutesie brunch place.      Carl walks up to Peter,
          Lucy and Kath.
          
                              KATH
                        (AWKWARD)
                    Morning, Carl. This is a surprise.
          
                                 CARL
                    Why?
          
                                                                  21.
          
          
          
                              KATH
                    Because I've never seen you at
                    brunch. Like ever.
          
                              CARL
                    You kidding? I love brunch.
          
          
          INT. STACKERS - LATER
          
          Carl, Peter, Lucy and Kath are still waiting with a big crowd
          of people to sit down for brunch.
          
                              CARL
                    Why do people wait an hour for
                    breakfast? It's so hot and bright
                    and we haven't even had coffee yet.
          
                              PETER
                    If you don't want to be here, you
                    don't have to be.
          
                              CARL
                    Of course I want to be here. I
                    love waiting an hour for eggs.
                    It's fun. Although I will point
                    out that you have sunglasses which
                    is probably making this wait a lot
                    easier.
          
                              PETER
                    Oakleys, polarized lenses,
                    indestructible. Two fifty but
                    worth every penny.
          
          The Waitress comes up.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Lowell, party of five.
          
          A group of four people get up to be seated.
          
                              CARL
                    We were definitely before those
                    Lowell people.
          
                              KATH
                    I hate when people jump ahead.
          
                              CARL
                    Why does no one ever say anything?
          
                                                                  22.
          
          
          
                              PETER
                    If you want to be sitting so bad,
                    why don't you say something?
          
                               CARL
                    Yes.   I will.
          
          Carl walks up to the Waitress.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Excuse me, but we were here before
                    those people.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    No you weren't.
          
                              CARL
                    Yes, we were.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    I have the list, dude.   The list
                    doesn't lie.
          
          Meanwhile, the customers the Waitress was going to seat are
          looking away, trying not to get involved.
          
                              CARL
                    Well, this time the list lied.
          
                              LUCY
                    It's OK, Carl. It's just brunch.
          
                              CARL
                        (to the people who are
                         being seated)
                    You all know that we were up before
                    you! And you have to live with
                    that knowledge through your
                    delightful brunch!
          
          Peter pulls Carl away from the Waitress.
          
                              PETER
                    What's going on with you?
          
                              CARL
                    I just want transparency in terms
                    of the brunch seating order.
          
          One of the customers who was being seated heads over.
          
                                                                    23.
          
          
          
                             KATH
                    Great. Now we're going to get into
                    a fight.
          
                              BRUNCH DUDE
                    We talked about what you said...
                    you're right. You guys were here
                    before us. Sorry we didn't pipe up
                    sooner. We cool, brother?
          
                              CARL
                        (SURPRISED)
                    Yeah. We cool.
          
          Carl and the Brunch Dude punch fists and hug.
          
          
          INT. STACKERS - LATER
          
          Carl and his friends are sitting at a table.    Carl's slightly
          bored as his friends discuss real estate.
          
                              LUCY
                    It's a two bedroom duplex with
                    harbor views. It'd be perfect for
                    you Kath.
          
                              KATH
                    Washer/Dryer in the building?
          
                              CARL
                        (JEALOUS)
                    I didn't realize you were looking
                    to buy a place. I thought you and I
                    would be renters to the end.
          
                              PETER
                    She's a fancy lawyer making bank.
                    It's about time she was buying.
          
                              KATH
                        (PLAYFUL)
                    Shut up.
          
          The Brunch Dude is seated near Carl. He gives him a thumbs
          up. Carl gives a thumbs up right back.
          
                              PETER
                        (re: the menus)
                    What're you looking at?
          
                              CARL
                    Bacon and eggs.
          
                                                       24.
          
          
          
                              KATH
                    How unadventurous.
          
                              CARL
                    I don't want an adventure first
                    thing in the morning.
          
          The Waitress comes over.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    I just want to tell you about my
                    specials. We have a double fruit
                    burnt sugar waffle. Any of you
                    interested in that?
          
          Beat.
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Alrighty. Then, on the savory
                    side, we have a smoked whitefish
                    omelet with hash browns on the
                    side. Any takers?
          
          Beat.
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                        (SURPRISED)
                    You want both?
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
          The Waitress writes that down.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Would you like toast with that?
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                                WAITRESS
                    Any side?    Bacon.
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                                                          25.
          
          
          
                                 WAITRESS
                    Sausage.
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Turkey sausage?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    A side of our famous maple pancakes
                    --
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                                WAITRESS
                    Wow.    Someone's really hungry.
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Coffee or juice?
          
                                CARL
                    Coffee.    And juice.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    We also have smoothies?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
          Carl's friends look at him like a freak.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Is that all?
          
                                 CARL
                           (RELIEVED)
                    Yes.
          
                              WAITRESS
                        (turning towards his
                         FRIENDS)
                    What would you all like to order?
          
          His friends are all looking at Carl.
          
                                                                       26.
          
          
          
          
          INT. STACKERS
          
          Carl has six dishes in front of him.     The Waitress comes over
          with a pepper mill.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Would you like some pepper?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
          The Waitress starts grinding pepper onto Carl's meal. It's
          starting to take a long time. She's grinding and grinding
          and grinding.
          
                              WAITRESS
                    Would you like more?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
          She keeps grinding.    A pile of pepper's growing on his food.
          
          
          INT. STACKERS - LATER
          
          All of Carl's food is covered piles of pepper.
          
                              PETER
                    I don't think I've ever seen a
                    waiter tap one of those pepper
                    mills.
          
                               CARL
                    I'm just addicted to the stuff.
                    Chinese cultures say it's good for
                    digestion.
                        (THEN)
                    You're all welcome to have some.
          
                              LUCY
                    That's... OK. Do you want a bite
                    of mine?
          
                                 CARL
                           (BEGRUDGINGLY)
                    Yes.
          
          Carl takes a bite of Lucy's.      He then sips his coffee.
          
                                                                  27.
          
          
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Uch. Brunch coffee. Why can't
                    they make it black without all this
                    frothy shit?
          
                              PETER
                    Because you ordered a latte.
          
          Carl's phone rings.   He answers it.
          
                              NORMAN (O.S.)
                    Hey, Carl. We're a little short on
                    our Saturday staff. I know this is
                    going against ten years of
                    precedent, but you have any
                    interest in coming in today?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't think... there's any reason
                    why I shouldn't? On a Saturday
                    there's nothing I like more than
                    the inside of a bank.
          
                              NORMAN (O.S.)
                    There really is something magical
                    about this place.
          
          
          INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
          
          Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Would you like an Italian-inspired
                    coffee flavoring?
          
          Beat.
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Sugar, Splenda or Nutrasweet?
          
                              CARL
                    All of them please.
          
          The confused Dunkin Donuts cashier loads up Carl's coffee.
          
                               DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    We're having a special on
                    Munchkins?
          
                                                                   28.
          
          
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl walks out of Dunkin Donuts, carrying a giant coffee and
          several boxes of Munchkins. He walks by Renee, the cute girl
          who hands out band fliers.
          
                              RENEE
                    Want a flier? Oh, it's you.    Never
                    mind.
          
                              CARL
                    Of course I'll take a flier.
          
          Carl takes a flier.   Renee's surprised Carl's taking a flier.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (READING)
                    The Flying Buttresses.
          
                              RENEE
                    I knew after a year and a half of
                    wearing you down, you'd give in.
                    I'm Renee by the way.
          
          Renee holds out her hand.
          
                                CARL
                    Carl.
          
                              RENEE
                    Carl. Cool. I like to thank
                    everyone personally who comes to
                    our performances. It gives it a
                    nice intimate touch. See you soon
                    Carl.
          
          Carl turns away, nervous that he's accepted her invitation.
          He takes a sip of his giant coffee and grimaces.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
          Carl STUMBLES INTO work, hyper from the giant coffee.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Morning, Carl. Thanks for coming
                    in and being part of the Saturday
                    banking experience. Oooh,
                    Munchkins. Are those for the
                    office, you dirty devil?
          
                                                                   29.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    Yeah. I just though it would be a
                    fun way to lighten things up.
          
                              NORMAN
                        (deadly serious)
                    You didn't approve this with petty
                    cash.
          
                              CARL
                    I spent my own money on them...
          
                              NORMAN
                    Kidding! Munchkins are always
                    approved. Although, I can't
                    reimburse you.
                        (over the intercom)
                    Today is free Munchkin day. That's
                    right! Free Munchkin day!
          
          Instantly Carl's cubicle is surrounded by fellow workers.
          
                              BANK EMPLOYEES
                    Carl rules./You're the
                    best./Finally I have a reason to
                    live today.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK LOUNGE
          
          Carl's greeting.   A MIDDLE-AGED MOTHERLY CUSTOMER comes in.
          
                              CARL
                    How may I help you?
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    I need to speak to a loan
                    specialist.
          
          Beat.
          
                              CARL
                    While loans aren't normally in my
                    jurisdiction, I'd be happy to help
                    you.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
          
          Carl's trying to keep up as the customer launches into
          intense finance-speak.
          
                                                                 30.
          
          
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    I want to refi my house and spend
                    the capital on my personal
                    business. I see you've got a 5.25
                    7 year ARM, but over at Chase
                    they're offering 5.00 7 year ARM.
                    Can you refi lower, like at 4.85
                    par example, or am I going to have
                    to bring my beeswax elsewhere?
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                               BANK CUSTOMER
                    Yes?   That's it?
          
                               CARL
                    Yup.   What's your business?
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    Selling beanie babies online.
          
                                CARL
                    Adorable.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    More like highly profitable.    I've
                    crunched the numbers.
          
          The woman hands over a scrapbook that's been decorated with
          construction paper and pictures of beanie babies. Carl opens
          the scrapbook. It's filled with numbers.
          
                              CARL
                    Let me just get final approval on
                    this.
          
          Carl gets up and walks over to Norman.
          
          ANGLE ON NORMAN'S OFFICE
          
          Carl stands before Norman.
          
                              NORMAN
                    You're a teller, not a loan
                    specialist.
          
                              CARL
                    No, I know, so if you think this is
                    a bad idea for a loan that's fine
                    but can you please tell her
                    yourself?
          
                                                                  31.
          
          
          
                              NORMAN
                    What's this?
          
                              CARL
                    Her business plan.
          
          Norman grabs the business plan and starts reading it.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Inta-maresting. My grandma loves
                    beanie babies. Although
                    unfortunately, we have a minimum
                    loan floor of ten thousand dollars.
                    She only wants five.
          
                              CARL
                    That's silly. How're you supposed
                    to start a tiny business if you
                    can't get a tiny business loan?
          
                               NORMAN
                    I don't make the rules, I just
                    break `em.
                        (THEN)
                    I don't break them. I just wanted
                    to rhyme. If she wants us to loan
                    her ten thousand or more, great.
                    Otherwise, I think her only option
                    is a loan shark.
          
          ANGLE ON LOAN DESK
          
          Carl sits back down.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                        (NERVOUS)
                    So, what'd he say?
          
                              CARL
                    Do you maybe have any interest in
                    borrowing ten thousand?
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    I can't afford the payments on ten.
                    You can't do five thousand? This
                    is the fifth bank I've been to.
                    Please?
          
                              CARL
                    Of course we can.    One moment
                    please.
          
                                                                    32.
          
          
          
          Carl gets up. He heads over to the soda machine and buys a
          Diet Coke. He then heads over to Norman's desk.
          
                                 CARL (cont'd)
                    Diet Coke?
          
                              NORMAN
                    Oooh, thank you. Feed the
                    addiction, am I right?
          
          They clink Diet Cokes. Norman DOWNS his entire Diet Coke in
          one swallow. Carl then heads over to the photocopier. He
          watches Norman out of the corner of his eye. After a couple
          minutes, Norman gets up and HEADS INTO THE BATHROOM. Carl
          heads back over to Norman's desk and SWIPES THE LOAN APPROVAL
          STAMP.
          
          ANGLE ON THE LOAN DESK
          
          Carl returns to the loan desk and STAMPS HER FORM.
          
                              CARL
                    It's approved.
          
          The Bank Customer HUGS Carl.
          
                              BANK CUSTOMER
                    Thank you so much! I promise I
                    won't let you down, Mr. Kendall.
                    On me.
          
          The Bank Customer hands Carl a panda beanie baby.
          
                              CARL
                    Thanks, Marge. We don't like to
                    make other customers jealous so can
                    we keep this between you and I?
          
                                 BANK CUSTOMER
                    Of course.     Aren't you just a dear?
          
          The Bank Customer leaves.    Carl can't help but be touched.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
          
          Carl's at the loan desk.    Norman comes over, looking grave.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Carl, could I see you for a moment?
          
          Carl nervously walks into his office.
          
                                                                  33.
          
          
          
          
          INT. NORMAN'S OFFICE
          
          Carl nervously sits before Norman.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Earlier today, you showed some
                    initiative. And I loved it. What
                    do you say to a permanent spot at
                    the loan desk?
          
                              CARL
                    That seems like a lot of
                    responsibility.
          
                              NORMAN
                    We need a loan specialist a lot
                    more than we need a teller and
                    greeter. Besides, you'd have a
                    starting salary of 52.
          
                                 CARL
                    Grand?
          
                              NORMAN
                    No, dollars. What is this Darfur?
                        (waving to an African-
                         American employee)
                    Sorry, Patricia, that was
                    inappropriate.
                        (then, back to Carl)
                    Of course grand. To celebrate,
                    next Saturday, I'm throwing a
                    party. Dress up as your favorite
                    character from Heroes.
                        (WHISPERING)
                    Save the cheerleader, save the
                    world.
          
                              CARL
                    Next Saturday... sounds great.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Don't dress as Hiro.    I got dibs.
          
                              CARL
                    Wouldn't think of it.
          
          Carl heads back to the loan desk, happy about his promotion.
          
                                                                    34.
          
          
          
          
          INT. RUDY'S
          
          Carl walks in the door. Peter, Lucy and Rooney, who's
          clearly been there for a little while, comes up to him.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Carl Kendall? Out in the world?
                    Are you some kind of ghost? Am I
                    having a religious vision?
          
                              CARL
                    Believe it. Because this guy just
                    got a promotion.
          
                              LUCY
                    Congrats, Carl!
          
                              ROONEY
                    Well let's get you a beer. You
                    want a 20 ouncer? I'm just joking -
                    -
          
                              CARL
                    Yes.
          
          Rooney looks at Peter and Lucy.
          
                              PETER
                    A normal-sized beer is fine with
                    me.
          
                              LUCY
                    I think I'm done actually.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Two twenty ouncers and one tiny,
                    little beer, barkeep.
          
                              BARTENDER
                    Please don't call me that.   We're
                    not in the middle ages.
          
                              ROONEY
                        (to Carl)
                    I can't believe you're out here.
                    I'm giddy. I feel like a child
                    whose best friend has strict
                    Chinese parents who never let him
                    come out and play but now his
                    Chinese parents are away for the
                    Chinese New Year. You have any
                    interest in pounding this shit?
          
                                                                  35.
          
          
          
                                CARL
                    Why not?
          
          Rooney picks up his beer and begins pounding the twenty
          ouncer. Carl reluctantly pounds it as well. Rooney slams
          his on the table. Carl puts it on the table.
          
                              ROONEY
                    What do you say we have another?
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              ROONEY
                    You are a beast!
          
                              LUCY
                    Well, it's been fun watching you
                    guys recreate freshman year, but
                    Peter and I have some furniture
                    errands to run.
          
          Carl's a little drunk now.
          
                              CARL
                    Have a good day yuppifying your
                    lives.
          
                              PETER
                    We need a sofa, Carl.     We're not
                    buying a second home.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Whatever, yuppy sellouts.
          
                              LUCY
                    It was good seeing you.    You should
                    come out more often.
          
                               CARL
                         (kind of pleading)
                    Please don't leave me here with
                    him.
          
          Peter and Lucy laugh, not realizing that Carl is serious.
          They leave.
          
          
          INT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
          
          Carl and Rooney are really drunk.
          
                                                                  36.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I have not been this drunk in
                    years! The room is spinning in a
                    bad way!
          
                              ROONEY
                    Barkeep! Two more double pints
                    s'il vous plait!
          
                              BARTENDER
                    That was the last `barkeep.'   I am
                    cutting you off.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Well fortunately you're not the
                    only game in town! Let's go to
                    some place with class.
          
          
          INT. SENOR FROG'S - NIGHT
          
          Rooney and Carl are in a Senor Frogs.
          
                              CARL
                    Where's the class?
          
                              ROONEY
                    They wear uniforms here.
          
          A SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS comes over.
          
                              SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS
                    Jello shot?
          
                              CARL
                    Yes.
          
          Carl and Rooney do jello shots.
          
          QUICK CUTS:
          
          -- Carl and Rooney downing more jello shots.
          
          -- Carl and Rooney drinking beers.
          
          -- Carl and Rooney are drunkenly staring at a nearby group of
          girls.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    That girl is hot. Or at least she
                    seems hot. I'm kind of too drunk
                    to tell. Right now, honestly, you
                    seem hot.
          
                                                                       37.
          
          
          
                                ROONEY
                    I am hot.
          
                              SENOR FROG'S WAITRESS
                    Another jello shot?
          
          
          
                      CARL                               ROONEY
          Yes.                               I think I'm done.
          
          Carl downs the jello shot.     He stumbles a little.
          
                              SENOR FROG'S DJ
                    Senor Frog's famous karoake contest
                    is starting now! Sign up and sweep
                    us off our feet!
          
                              ROONEY
                    You gotta do karoake.
          
          Carl STUMBLES over to the Senor Frog's DJ.     He's losing
          control and he likes it.
          
                              CARL
                    Sign me up, bitch.
          
                              SENOR FROG'S DJ
                    We've got our first victim... I
                    mean, singer.
          
          MUSIC CUE: The opening notes of White Town's "Your Woman"
          
          Carl grabs the microphone and heads out into the crowd.
          (NOTE TO READER: As you read this part, I recommend listening
          to White Town's "Your Woman." It will bring it to life in a
          way that words on a page cannot do it justice.)
          
                               CARL
                         (singing/talking with an
                          odd English accent)
                    Just tell me what you've got to say
                    to me, I've been waiting for so
                    long to hear the truth, It comes as
                    no surprise at all you see, So cut
                    the crap and tell me that we're
                    through. Now I know your heart, I
                    know your mind, You don't even know
                    you're being unkind, So much for
                    all your highbrow Marxist ways,
                    Just use me up and then you walk
                    away, Boy you can't play me that
                    way.
          
                                                                  38.
          
          
          
          Carl heads over to the HOT GIRL and begins SERENADING HER.
          She thinks it's kind of funny.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Well I guess what you say is true,
                    I could never be the right kind of
                    girl for you, I could never be your
                    woman.
          
          Carl gets really close to the Hot Girl's face and then COYLY
          pulls away for the bridge of the song. During the awesome
          bridge, Carl does some fantastic dance moves. Or rather,
          moves that you think are fantastic when you're drunk out of
          your mind. The Hot Girl laughs at his antics.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Well I guess what they say is true,
                    I could never spend my life with a
                    man like you, I could never be your
                    woman. I could never be your
                    woman. I could never be your
                    woman.
          
          Carl lands on one knee in front of the Hot Girl. The crowd
          CHEERS FOR HIM. The Hot Girl's LARGE BOYFRIEND gets up close
          to Carl. Everyone is very, very drunk.
          
                              BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    Were you just flirting with my
                    girlfriend?
          
                              CARL
                        (re: the Hot Girl)
                    It depends -- is that your
                    girlfriend?
          
                                BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    Yes.
          
                                CARL
                    Then yes.
          
                              HOT GIRL
                    Hey, c'mon. Be cool.    He was just
                    screwing around.
          
                              BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    Let me handle this, Crystal.
                        (to Carl)
                    So, you want to have sex with my
                    girlfriend?
          
                                                                       39.
          
          
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes, I do.     Very much.
          
                              BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    Are you starting a fight?
          
                              ROONEY
                    C'mon, Carl, let's go --
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes, I am.
          
                              BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    Then bring it.
          
                                 CARL
                    I will.
          
          Beat. Carl doesn't really know what to do so he slaps him
          across the face the way a woman would slap a man.
          
                              BRUTISH BOYFRIEND
                    What was that?
          
                              CARL
                    Me bringing it.
          
          The Brutish Boyfriend PUNCHES Carl in the head.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    I'm too drunk to feel!  I'm like
                    Darkman!
          
          Carl HEADBUTTS the guy. They get into a dirty, drunken
          tussle. Both of them are trying to hit the other one in the
          groin region. Bouncers DESCEND ON THEM and PULL THEM APART.
          
          
          EXT. SENOR FROG'S
          
          Carl and Rooney are outside.    Carl's nursing his wounds.
          They are very, very drunk.
          
                              ROONEY
                    You popped that guy!    He didn't
                    know what hit him.
          
                              CARL
                    You do not cross Carl Kendall.
          
          The Hot Girl STUMBLES out of Senor Frog's.
          
                                                                      40.
          
          
          
                              HOT GIRL
                    Hey. I'm sorry about Domingo. He
                    likes to think he's my boyfriend
                    but he's not. You're cute.
          
          The Hot Girl KISSES Carl.
          
                              HOT GIRL (cont'd) (CONT'D)
                    Want to go some place private?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
          
          Light is streaming in through the window. Carl opens his
          eyes. He's in bad shape. He looks over to see the Hot Girl
          finishing getting dressed.
          
                              HOT GIRL
                    My fiance called. He was like
                    really sorry about last night.      I
                    have to go.
          
                              CARL
                    Your fiance?
          
                              HOT GIRL
                    Domingo. The guy who punched you
                    in the face.
          
                              CARL
                    I thought you said you two weren't
                    even dating?
          
                              HOT GIRL
                    We were broken up last night.      It
                    was fun hanging out.
          
          The Hot Girl kisses Carl on the forehead.
          
                              HOT GIRL (cont'd)
                    I made some coffee. It's in the
                    kitchen. Sorry for leading you on.
          
          The Hot Girl LEAVES.    Carl smiles.    That was awesome.
          
          
          INT. HOLIDAY INN CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          Carl runs to the conference room.      The Just Say Yes seminar
          has been packed up.
          
                                                                41.
          
          
          
          
          INT. HOLIDAY INN LOBBY
          
          Carl walks up to the counter.
          
                              CARL
                    Hi... is there a Sanji Gupta
                    staying here?
          
                                RECEPTIONIST
                    Room 125.
          
          
          INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY
          
          Carl walks down the hallway. He knocks on Room 125. After a
          couple minutes of shuffling around, Sanji opens the door.
          
                                CARL
                    I'm Carl.    The guy from yesterday.
          
                              SANJI
                    Of course, of course!      Please come
                    in!
          
          Carl comes into Sanji's hotel room.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    Would you like a cup of coffee?
          
                              CARL
                    No thanks. I just wanted to thank
                    you for that inspiration.
          
                              SANJI
                    Fantastic. So how do you plan on
                    continuing with your journey?
          
                              CARL
                    You know, just living every day to
                    it's fullest. And, like, learning
                    to continue to experience life or
                    whatever.
          
                              SANJI
                    Outstanding, Carl. Except for one
                    THING:
                        (suddenly intense)
                    You are completely bullshitting me!
          
                                                          42.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I just said I'm going to keep
                    experiencing life. I thought you'd
                    be happy.
          
                              SANJI
                    You're like a cigarette addict,
                    Carl. Except you're addicted to
                    boredom. On the way in here, Carl,
                    I offered you a coffee and you
                    refused. Perhaps that would have
                    been the most delicious cup of
                    coffee you would have ever had.
                    Who's to say? Not you, Carl,
                    because you said no! Anyone can
                    quit smoking for a day. But for a
                    lifetime? No.
          
                              CARL
                    So what should I do?
          
          Sanji PULLS OUT a contract.
          
                              SANJI
                    Behold, Carl, -- the Maniyesto.
          
          Carl takes the Maniyesto.
          
                              CARL
                        (reading the document)
                    1) Until New Year's Eve, I must say
                    yes. 2) The yes cannot distort the
                    truth.
          
                              SANJI
                        (EXPLAINING)
                    You cannot say "Yes, the world is
                    flat" because that is an untruth.
          
                              CARL
                        (reading the document)
                    3) If someone discovers you are a
                    yes man, you do not have to say yes
                    to them. 4) To avoid yes, you
                    cannot avoid contact. Therefore,
                    you must always answer your phone,
                    the door, your postal mail, your
                    email, etc and so on and so forth.
                    5) You must choose a yesponsor to
                    keep you on the straight and
                    narrow.
                        (to Sanji)
                    Who should that be?
          
                                                          43.
          
          
          
                              SANJI
                    A close friend who will not tell a
                    soul.
          
                              CARL
                        (reading the document)
                    5) I hereby void the "do you want"
                    loophole.
                        (to Sanji)
                    What is that?
          
                               SANJI
                    If someone asks you "do you want to
                    go to the art museum" and you do
                    not want to, you may not use this
                    lack of desire as an excuse to not
                    go. And finally, a warning.
                        (SPOOKILY)
                    If you say `no', even once, even
                    for a cup of coffee, be prepared to
                    lose every single little thing
                    you've gained.
                        (THEN)
                    So what do you say, Carl?
                        (WHISPERING)
                    What do you say?
          
                              CARL
                    I say... yes.
          
          Carl signs the Maniyesto.
          
                                SANJI
                    And here.
          
          Carl signs again.
          
                                SANJI (cont'd)
                    And here.
          
          Carl signs again.
          
                              SANJI (cont'd)
                    And initial here. And here.
          
                              CARL
                    Is this like a legal document?
          
                              SANJI
                    Kind of. And finally, my friend,
                    please hold out your hand.
          
                                                                       44.
          
          
          
          Carl holds out his hand. Sanji PULLS OUT an iron brand
          that's been heating over a hot pot and BRANDS CARL'S PALM.
          
                                 CARL
                    AHHHHHHHH!
          
                              SANJI
                    That should heal by New Year's.
                    Until then, you are a Yes Man.
          
          Carl looks at his palm.       In the center of the palm, Sanji's
          branded a `YES.'
          
          
          INT. RUDY'S
          
          Carl is sitting across from Peter.
          
                              PETER
                    For a whole year?
          
                              CARL
                    Yesterday I got promoted and beat
                    up and hooked up with this chick
                    and I have a massive headache today
                    and I still might throw up, but I
                    don't care because it was the best
                    time I've had in like forever. Not
                    to mention finding out that,
                    despite what you might think,
                    smoked whitefish in an omelette is
                    delicious, even if covered in a
                    thick layer of pepper.
          
                              PETER
                    But for a whole year?
          
                                CARL
                    You don't   understand. I got
                    promoted.    Do you know how long
                    I've been   waiting for some kind of
                    financial   step forward? I said
                    `yes' and   it arrived.
          
                              PETER
                    Well, someone sounds like they're
                    yuppifying their life.
          
                              CARL
                    Excuse me for wanting an appliance
                    in my kitchen besides a hot pot.
          
                                                         45.
          
          
          
                              PETER
                    There's no way you can do this for
                    a whole year.
          
                              CARL
                    That's where you come in.   You're
                    my "Yesponsor."
          
                                 PETER
                    Yesponsor?
          
                              CARL
                    Like in AA. I need you to hold me
                    to it.
          
                              PETER
                    You aren't going to last for more
                    than a week.
          
                              CARL
                    I look forward to proving you
                    wrong.
          
          Peter and Carl shake hands.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Nice suit. If I move up anymore at
                    the bank, I might need a few.
          
                              PETER
                    Cavalli. Silk and cotton blend.
                    Seven fifty.
          
          Lucy comes over and kisses Peter.
          
                              LUCY
                    My girlfriends are being such
                    bitches. It's been two weeks and
                    no one's offered to throw me a
                    wedding shower.
          
                              PETER
                    That's too bad. I'm sure someone
                    will offer.
          
                              LUCY
                        (SARCASTIC)
                    Hey, you want to throw my wedding
                    shower?
          
          Peter turns to Carl, smiling.
          
                                                                     46.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                        (dreading it)
                    I'd be happy to.
          
                              LUCY
                    I was kidding. Wedding showers are
                    thrown by girls.
          
                              CARL
                    That's sexist. Please.      I insist.
          
                                LUCY
                    Thanks.    That means a lot to me.
          
          Lucy hugs Carl. Carl looks over Lucy's shoulder at Peter and
          shakes his head. Rooney comes over.
          
                              ROONEY
                    That was some good times last
                    night. You back for more?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              ROONEY
                    I've got no cash. You mind
                    spotting me and my buddies?
          
          Rooney points to FOUR BARFLIES sitting at the bar.
          
                              PETER
                    Sorry, didn't bring my wallet.
          
          Peter turns to Carl.
          
                                 CARL
                           (BEGRUDGINGLY)
                    Yes.
          
          Carl walks up to the bar.     Peter's snickering behind him.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    What kind of beer do you guys want?
          
                               ROONEY'S FRIENDS/ROONEY
                    As long as you're buying, I want a
                    Grey Goose straight up./Kir
                    Royale/Whatever's in that dusty
                    bottle back there that you never
                    take down.
          
                                                                    47.
          
          
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
          
          Carl wakes up.   He looks at the tattooed "Yes" on his hand.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl goes through a series of junk mail flyers for credit
          cards. He VERY CAREFULLY fills each one of them out.
          
          
          INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
          
          Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.    Before the cashier can say
          anything...
          
                              CARL
                    Black coffee, large.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Would you like...
          
                              CARL
                        (cutting her off)
                    To have a wonderful day?    I would.
          
          Carl turns to see a giant poster with the words "DO YOU WANT
          A MOCHA CARAMEL COOLATA?" Carl turns back to the cashier.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (RESIGNED)
                    And could I also have a Mocha
                    Caramel Coolata.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    With whipped cream?
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl walks out of Dunkin Donuts, carrying a frozen coffee
          drink and several boxes of Munchkins. He walks by Renee and
          wordlessly takes a flier.
          
                              RENEE
                    Hey, give that back.    You already
                    took one.
          
                              CARL
                    What's the hurt in taking another?
          
                                                                  48.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    Destroys the Earth. Also, they
                    cost me ten cents a copy. Besides,
                    are you even going to come?
          
                                 CARL
                    Of course.     I couldn't say `no.'
          
          As he walks away...
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Even if I wanted to.
          
                              RENEE
                    See you tonight, Carl!
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK
          
          Carl sits at his cubicle, and flips on his email. In the
          background, we see various SUPER HAPPY EMPLOYEES eating the
          Dunkin Donuts that Carl has brought. We see on the screen
          another email from the King of Nigeria.
          
                              CARL
                    Dear deposed King of Nigeria. I
                    would love to help you anyway I can
                    with your confidential transaction.
                    Please let me know what I can do.
                    Yours, Carl Kendall.
          
          He checks the next email.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Would I like Viagra? Yes, I would.
          
          Carl writes back to the Viagra. ANGLE ON THE SCREEN: The
          next email is from PERSIANWIFEFINDER.COM.
          
                              CARL (cont'd) (CONT'D)
                    Do I want a Persian wife? Perhaps
                    I do.
          
          Carl clicks onto the Persianwifefinder.com and starts
          uploading his profile. Norman walks by.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Norman, would you say I prefer
                    Iranian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or
                    no preference?
          
                                                                  49.
          
          
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
          
          Carl's reading his email when a HIGH SCHOOL GIRL sits down.
          
                              HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
                    You Carl Kendall?
          
                              CARL
                    Yeah.
          
                              HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
                    I hear that you do small loans.
          
                              CARL
                    Where did you hear that?
          
                              HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
                    Marge. The lady my mom buys her
                    beanie babies from.
          
                              CARL
                    I told her not to say anything.
          
                              HIGH SCHOOL GIRL
                    I only need five hundred bucks.
                    I'm starting college next year and
                    I need it for books. I can't
                    afford them now but I can pay them
                    off over the course of the year.
          
          Carl looks to make sure Norman's not around then he stamps
          her form.
          
                              HIGH SCHOOL GIRL (cont'd)
                    Thank you so much, Mr. Kendall.
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl walks down the street, taking fliers from anyone who
          passes them out. We do QUICK CUTS of him with various people
          as he walks down the street.
          
                              CARL
                    I might have some stuff to pawn./I
                    will definitely check out your gun
                    selection./I would like to learn
                    Korean.
          
                              BERLITZ FLIER GUY
                    If you're interested, intro to
                    Korean is starting right now.
          
                                                                  50.
          
          
          
          
          INT. BERLITZ CLASS - DAY
          
          Carl's sitting in a Korean class with several businessmen.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                         SUBTITLES)
                    [Hello, my name is Carl.   What is
                    your name?]
          
          
          INT. THE NOTE BAR AND PERFORMANCE SPACE - NIGHT
          
          Carl stands at the back of a basically empty dive bar,
          nursing a beer. There's a makeshift stage at the front of
          the bar. "The Flying Buttresses" are setting up their
          equipment, including a giant clear plastic harp. Renee steps
          up to the microphone.
          
                              RENEE
                    Hello Jake, Penelope, Carl and
                    Rodrigo. We are the Flying
                    Buttresses!
          
          Their four audience members cheer. The drummer bangs his
          sticks together and the band launches in. They are terrible.
          Like really terrible. Renee sings in a high-pitched voice
          that she probably thinks sounds like Tori Amos, but sounds
          more like a dog whistle. If you've heard the singer, Joanna
          Newsom, well that's who she's emulating.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                        (SINGING)
                    Everyday, the unicorns they
                    play/Among lingonberry fields/They
                    silently bay/The king has no
                    crown/Just a vest of grass/The
                    queen loves the Jester/The Jester
                    has the last laugh.
                        (CHORUS)
                    You are my minotaur/With your
                    cloven hooves!/Half man, half
                    horse/You are all boy to me
          
          Carl looks at the three other audience members. They are
          nodding along. Also, one of them is dressed like a Court
          Jester.
          
          CUT TO LATER
          
          Renee's whisper singing.
          
                                                                  51.
          
          
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    A witches cauldron/burns hot as
                    hell/As her crooked hand/Brews a
                    love spell.
          
          CUT TO LATER
          
          Renee's singing a power ballad.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    I! Am!   A! Fairy!/I! Like!    To
                    Fly!
          
          The four people in the audience clap hard as she finishes.
          Renee takes a huge bow and motions to her fellow band mates.
          Carl, not knowing how to politely react to the horror show he
          just witnessed, claps along. Renee gets off the stage and
          walks over to the bar, right next to Carl.
          
                              BARTENDER
                    Nice, show Renee. One virgin mint
                    soda coming right up.
          
                              RENEE
                    I don't think I hit a high enough
                    octave in Fairy Dream Song.
          
                              CARL
                    I disagree. I think you hit some
                    pretty high octaves.
          
                              RENEE
                    But I can hit like way higher.
                        (as she speaks her voice
                         goes higher and higher)
                    Like check this out. I think this
                    tone might be more appropriate for
                    my water nymph song?
          
                              CARL
                        (speaking in a low voice)
                    I don't know -- I've known some
                    water nymphs with big balls.
                        (no reaction)
                    From the high level of
                    testosterone.
          
          An awkward moment where Renee doesn't react and Carl thinks
          he may have offended her. Suddenly she starts laughing
          spazzily hard. Carl smiles.
          
                                                                  52.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    I've got to write a song about
                    that. I could call it...
          
                              CARL
                    "Big Balled Water Nymph"?       It's a
                    working title.
          
                                 RENEE
                    I like it.     I can work with that.
          
          The drummer, a guy named LEEORE, shouts down to Renee from
          the stage.
          
                               LEEORE
                    Um, excuse me, but we have to clear
                    the stage.
          
                              RENEE
                    I gotta clear.
                        (JOKING)
                    Unless of course, you want to help?
          
                               CARL
                    Sure.   I love clearing stages.
          
          Carl helps a surprised Renee clear the stage.
          
          
          EXT. THE NOTE BAR AND GRILL
          
          Carl has helped Renee fit the giant harp into the back of her
          ancient Volvo.
          
                              RENEE
                    Well, thanks for coming, Carl.      I
                    must bid good night.
          
                                 CARL
                    So early?     It's only 8:00?
          
                              RENEE
                    I lead a jogging, photo group for
                    people who want to both exercise
                    and practice photography.
          
                              CARL
                    You're a photographer too?
          
                              RENEE
                    Amateur, but yeah.    I show every
                    Friday.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                         53.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    If you want to do some artistic
                    calisthenics join us tomorrow.
          
                              CARL
                    What time do you leave?
          
                               RENEE
                    Five.   So we can see the sunrise.
          
                              CARL
                    Wow. I haven't seen the sunrise
                    maybe ever.
                        (RESIGNED)
                    I guess now I'll be doing that
                    tomorrow.
          
                              RENEE
                    Oh, it's beautiful. Makes great
                    photos. Nice meeting you, Carl.
          
          Renee gets in her Volvo and drives off.      Carl walks off.
          
                              FLIER GUY
                    You interested in learning Spanish?
          
          Carl takes the flier from the Flier Guy.
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl walks down the street, now holding a zillion fliers.
          Carl gets a tap on the shoulder. REVEAL Kath standing there.
          
                              KATH (O.S.)
                    Thinking of learning a couple
                    foreign languages?
          
                              CARL
                    Hey, Kath. Would you like one?
                    I'm going to learn Swahili.
          
                              KATH
                    Maybe next week. There's someone
                    you should probably meet. Carl,
                    this is Seb.
          
          A very tall, very blond, Nordic looking man approaches Carl.
          
                                CARL
                    Seb?    What is that?   Swedish?
          
                                SEB
                    Yes.
          
                                                                  54.
          
          
          
          Beat. Seb puts his hand on Kath's back.   Carl notices this
          and is not particularly happy.
          
                              SEB (cont'd)
                    I've heard a lot about you, Carl.
          
          Seb's phone rings.
          
                              SEB (cont'd)
                    Sorry, sweetie. I've got to take
                    this.
          
          Seb walks off and answers his cell.
          
                              CARL
                    You're on a date then?
          
                               KATH
                    Yeah.   Met him at my firm.
          
                              CARL
                    He's very tall.
          
                              KATH
                    I guess so, yeah.
          
          Seb returns.
          
                              CARL
                    Well, it was nice meeting you, Seb.
                    So I'll be going.
          
          Carl starts to walk off.
          
                              SEB
                    Unless... you'd like to join us?
          
          Carl stops in his tracks. He mouths the word "fuck." Carl
          turns. Kath nods at Carl as in, "You don't have to join us."
          
                              SEB (cont'd)
                    It was good meeting you --
          
                              CARL
                    I'd love to. Join you guys.
          
                               KATH
                    What?
          
                                                                  55.
          
          
          
          
          INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - LATER
          
          Seb, Carl and Kath are sitting at dinner. It is incredibly
          awkward. Kath and Seb are clearly incredibly pissed off.
          
                              CARL
                    So, how did you guys meet?
          
                              KATH
                    I told you. Through the firm.
          
          A waiter arrives.
          
                              WAITER
                    Would you like to order some wine?
          
                              KATH/CARL/SEB
                    Yes.
          
          CUT TO LATER -- Carl, Kath and Seb are now slightly drunk.
          However, it is a quiet, angry drunk, not a fun-loving drunk.
          They are still sitting in silence. Seb turns to Kath and
          starts saying something quietly to her.
          
                              CARL
                    Oh, this is good.
                        (CHUCKLING)
                    I was walking past Pizza Hut the
                    other day, and for a second I was
                    sure the sign said "Pizza Hat."
                    And then I thought, wouldn't it be
                    funny if there was a shop that sold
                    hats shaped like pizzas?
                        (beat, weakly)
                    You know. Because it sounds like
                    "Pizza Hut" only it's a hat shop.
          
                              SEB
                    Look, Carl, why don't you just eat
                    your fish and fuck off?
          
          Carl puts the rest of his meal in his mouth, gets up from the
          table and walks out of the restaurant. As he leaves, he
          smiles to himself. His phone rings. He sees it's Rooney on
          the Caller ID.
          
                              CARL
                    Shit.
          
          Carl answers the phone.
          
                                                                    56.
          
          
          
                              ROONEY (O.S.)
                    What's up Carl? It's Rooney!      What
                    do you say we grab a couple
                    brewskis?
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
          
          Carl flips on his computer. He's trashed.     He has a bunch of
          emails. He clicks on the email.
          
                                NIGERIAN KING (V.O.)
                    Dear   brother Carl, Thank you for
                    your   last note you sent me. But we
                    must   move quickly. I must have
                    your   bank details right now. Send
                    them   to me. Your Associate, Omar,
                    King   of Nigeria
          
                              CARL
                        (while typing)
                    Dear Omar, While I appreciate the
                    gravity of your situation, perhaps
                    a goodwill branch is in order.
                    Could you perhaps loan me a million
                    and take it out of my final cut?
                    Then I will happily send you my
                    bank details. Sincerely, Carl.
          
          Carl then flips on persianwifefinder.com.    A PERSIAN CARTOON
          GENIE comes onto the screen.
          
                              PERSIAN CARTOON GENIE
                    Sa'laam, Carl. You have sixty-five
                    winks. Allah Akbar.
          
          The screen is suddenly filled with pictures of Persian women.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - PRE-DAWN
          
          Carl's alarm goes off. Carl hits it and sits up. He grabs
          his head and then runs to the bathroom and throws up.
          
          
          EXT. PARK - PRE-DAWN
          
          Renee, along with several other amateur photographers in
          sweat suits, have gathered. They all have big cameras around
          their necks. Carl walks up to them. He does not look good.
          
                              CARL
                    Good morning.
          
                                                                  57.
          
          
          
                                 RENEE
                    Wow.     You look tired.
          
                              CARL
                    Well, it is five in the morning.
          
                              RENEE
                    Mammals are meant to be up at dawn.
                    It's how we're built biologically.
                    Where's your camera?
          
          Carl realizes he forgot his camera.
          
                              CARL
                    I thought I'd use my phone.
          
          Carl pulls out his camera cell phone.
          
                              RENEE
                    Awesome idea. So light.
          
                              CARL
                    That's what I thought.
          
                              RENEE
                    Let's hit it.
          
          Renee, Carl and the group of amateur jogging photographers
          start jogging. Carl can barely keep up with them.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Oooh, pretty.
          
          As she passes a flower, Renee snaps a photo of it.
          
          
          EXT. LAKE - DAWN
          
          The group reaches the lake as the sun rises. They all snap
          photos. Carl finds himself snapping photos on his camera.
          He accidentally snaps one of Renee with the sun behind her.
          She looks pretty in the photo.
          
                                RENEE
                    Alright!    Enough standing around!
          
          Renee starts jogging again. Carl starts after her and then
          abruptly doubles over and throws up on the ground. Renee and
          the other jogging/photographers snap photos of him.
          
                                                          58.
          
          
          
          
          INT. CAFE - MORNING
          
          Carl sits across from an Iranian women.
          
                              IRANIAN WOMAN
                    It was delightful meeting you,
                    Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    As it was meeting you Farinoush.
          
                              IRANIAN WOMAN
                    Although I must say I was surprised
                    to discover that you are in no way
                    Persian. Nor are you six foot two.
                    You should change that on your
                    profile.
          
                                CARL
                    Will do.    Should I call you?
          
                              IRANIAN WOMAN
                    Sorry, I want a tall guy.
          
          The Iranian Woman leaves, passing Lucy.
          
                              LUCY
                    Who was that?
          
                              CARL
                    Farinoush Azzam. Great girl, but I
                    don't think we're right for each
                    other.
          
                              LUCY
                    How'd you meet?
          
                              CARL
                    PersianWifeFinder.com.
                        (ignoring her odd look)
                    Let's talk wedding shower.
          
                              LUCY
                    So, I know it's just a wedding
                    shower, so who cares really?
                    And it's like so lame? But I've
                    made an appointment at a stationery
                    store. Are you going to totally
                    kill me?
          
                                                                    59.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                        (dripping with sarcasm)
                    You kidding? I love stationery.
          
          Lucy gets up.   Carl follows her.   He does not look happy.
          
          
          INT. STATIONERY STORE - LATER
          
          Lucy and Carl are looking over a book of stationery with the
          STATIONERY PROPRIETESS. Carl can't concentrate.
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    This one is nice. I especially
                    love it in cream.
          
                              LUCY
                    Ooooh, pretty. What do you think?
          
                              CARL
                    Looks good to me.
          
                              LUCY
                        (sarcastic annoyance)
                    Thanks for your opinion.
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    It's always difficult to get the
                    husband-to-be's opinion.
          
                              LUCY
                        (derisive laughter)
                    I'm not marrying him.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm just helping throw the shower.
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    Oh. What's the party going to be
                    like? Sometimes it helps to know
                    that before you pick an invitation.
          
                              LUCY
                    Nothing special. Just hors
                    d'oeuvres and wine.
          
          Carl, meanwhile, is looking through the book of invitations.
          
                              CARL
                    Look at this -- Bridal Bingo.
                    What's Bridal Bingo?
          
                                                                  60.
          
          
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    It's bingo, except you yell out
                    embarrassing facts about the bride
                    and whoever fills their card first
                    wins.
          
                              CARL
                    That sounds fun.
          
                              LUCY
                    I'm not doing Bridal Bingo.
          
                              CARL
                    How about a calendar shower?
          
                              LUCY
                    Can we concentrate at the task at
                    hand?
          
                              CARL
                    Do you even know what a calendar
                    shower is? Maybe a calendar shower
                    is awesome.
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    Every guest gets assigned a month
                    and brings a gift that the bride
                    and groom can use during that
                    month.
          
                              LUCY
                    That's kind of cute.
          
                              CARL
                    I think that's really cute.
          
          Carl's starting to get really into it. He turns the page and
          sees an invitation decorated with animals labeled "Knights in
          White Armor."
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Look at this one -- "Knights in
                    White Armor."
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    The bride and groom ride in on a
                    white stallion.
          
                              CARL
                    You have got to do that.   Like it's
                    not even a choice.
          
                                                                     61.
          
          
          
                              LUCY
                    That seems a little extreme.
          
                              CARL
                    You only get married once.
          
                              STATIONERY PROPRIETESS
                    Your friend happens to be right.
          
                              LUCY
                    You're really good at this. You
                    mind helping me with the wedding
                    invitations?
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
          
          Carl's sitting across from an Arab Guy at the loan desk.
          
                              ARAB GUY
                    I love cell phones. I breathe cell
                    phones. I own, myself, thirty-five
                    cell phones. My brother is an
                    idiot and he's selling cell phones
                    hand over fist. What do you have?
                    A Nokia 9850?
          
          The Arab Guy goes to grab Carl's phone.   He sees the photo of
          Renee on the phone's wallpaper.
          
                              ARAB GUY (cont'd)
                    Oooh, pretty lady.
          
          Carl grabs his phone back.
          
                              CARL
                    How much do you need?
          
                              ARAB GUY
                    Eighty five hundred.
          
                              CARL
                    Done.
          
          Carl stamps his form.
          
          CUT TO A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SITTING WITH HER SILENT MOM:
          
                              TEN YEAR OLD GIRL
                    I was with my sister? And we had
                    this lemonade stand? And we sold
                    like a hundred cups of lemonade in
                    two days? And so I want to expand?
                              (MORE)
          
                                                           62.
          
                              TEN YEAR OLD GIRL (cont'd)
                    All I need is three thousand
                    dollars?
          
          Carl stamps her form.
          
          CUT TO A JITTERY GUY.
          
                              JITTERY GUY
                    Just give me the cash.
          
                              CARL
                    You promise you'll pay it back?
          
                                 JITTERY GUY
                    Basically.
          
          Carl stamps his form.    Norman comes over.
          
                              NORMAN
                    May I speak to you, Carl?
          
          
          INT. NORMAN'S OFFICE
          
          Norman sits across from Carl.
          
                              NORMAN
                    I know what you're doing.
          
                              CARL
                    What am I doing?
          
                              NORMAN
                    You're loaning below our minimum.
          
          Carl doesn't know what to say.
          
                              NORMAN (cont'd)
                    You thought I wouldn't notice the
                    paperwork? I'm not the regional
                    manager because I ignore the
                    details.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry, but it's absurd that if
                    you need a small amount of money
                    you have to go to a loan shark.
                    Only rich people can pay back loans
                    over ten grand. A bank's job is
                    not to just help the rich. It's to
                    help anyone with a dream achieve
                    it.
          
                                                                  63.
          
          
          
                              NORMAN
                    I know. These microloans are
                    pretty interesting. So I'll you
                    spearhead a little pilot program at
                    the bank.
          
                              CARL
                    Thank you so much.
          
                              NORMAN
                    If corporate finds out, you're the
                    one who's getting fired. So keep
                    it quiet.
          
          Carl mimes zipping up his mouth and throwing away the key.
          
          QUICK CUTS OF CARL STAMPING LOTS OF FORMS
          
          Rooney sits down across from Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    What do you need a loan for?
          
                              ROONEY
                    I don't. I was wondering if you
                    were around tonight to help me
                    move?
          
                              CARL
                    Why don't you hire movers?
          
                              ROONEY
                    Because it's cheaper to ask you.
          
          
          INT. ROONEY'S MOM'S HOUSE
          
          Rooney and Carl are looking at a fridge.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Can you carry the fridge alone?
          
                                 CARL
                           (SCARED)
                    Yes.
          
          MOMENTS LATER Carl is carrying the fridge down the stairs.
          He FALLS down the stairs with the fridge. Carl looks up at
          Rooney who's at the top of the stairs.
          
                                 ROONEY
                    You OK?
          
                                                                    64.
          
          
          
                               CARL
                    Yes.   Do you want to help at all?
          
                              ROONEY
                    I wish I could, but I hurt my back
                    trying to move that fridge.
          
          
          EXT. ROONEY'S MOM'S HOUSE
          
          Carl has put the last box into the moving van.   Rooney and
          his mom are hugging.
          
                              ROONEY'S MOM
                    I'm going to miss you, baby.
          
                              ROONEY
                    And I'm going to miss you, ma.
          
                              ROONEY'S MOM
                    I can't watch you go.
          
          His mom goes into her house.
          
                              CARL
                    Where are you moving?
          
          Rooney looks at Carl and smiles.   Carl's eyes go wide.
          
          MUSIC CUE: "JUMP" by the Pointer Sisters
          
          YES MONTAGE
          
          -- Carl's taking Korean.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (in Korean)
                    [What is the weather like in
                    Pyongyang?]
          
          -- At Southwest Bank.
          
                              NORMAN
                    We need a volunteer to think up
                    local marketing ideas
          
          Carl raises his hand.
          
          CUT TO LATER
          
          Carl has put up signs on the bank window that say "Pet-a-
          Puppy" day. There's a box of puppies in the bank. Customers
          are streaming into the bank to pet puppies.
          
                                                                    65.
          
          
          
          -- We see Carl's CALENDAR filling up.
          
          -- A ton of different kinds of credit cards are POPPING
          THROUGH HIS MAIL SLOT.
          
          -- Carl's taking Spanish.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Spanish)
                    [I like to drive with my mother.]
          
          The door to the language center opens.
          
          -- Carl walks towards work. He sees the same group of flyer
          guys and DUCKS DOWN an alleyway. We now see that to avoid
          the flyer guys he uses a series of alleys and fire escapes,
          crossing roofs, even jumping between two buildings so he can
          avoid being approached.
          
          -- At Southwest Bank.
          
                              NORMAN
                    We need someone to be a weekend
                    cashier.
          
          Carl's hand shoots up.
          
          -- Carl walks out of a movie with a woman who's in a head
          scarf. He awkwardly hugs her. REVEAL that the movie they
          watched is Saw III.
          
          -- Carl's at THE NOTE singing along to Renee's band's songs.
          He and the "Jester" audience member do shots together.
          
          -- Carl's walking around a florist shop with Lucy. She
          points to a small bouquet of white flowers. Carl points to a
          giant heart-shaped ice sculpture.
          
          -- We see Carl having to write in tiny letters on his
          calendar because it's so full.
          
          -- At Southwest Bank.
          
                              NORMAN (cont'd)
                    We need a volunteer --
          
          Carl's hand shoots up.
          
                              NORMAN (cont'd)
                    -- to be in charge of day care.
          
          -- CUT TO Carl with a bunch of kids. All the kids are
          folding brand new dollar bills into paper airplanes
          
                                                                    66.
          
          
          
          -- CUT TO Carl walking down the street, a big smile on his
          face, taking everyone's fliers as per usual. He walks past a
          CULTY GUY named TONY who's passing out books.
          
                              TONY
                    Do you want to change your life
                    through Mahayana Buddhism?
          
          Carl takes one of the books.
          
                              TONY (cont'd)
                    Would you like to have tea and
                    discuss?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm kind of in a rush...
          
                              TONY
                    My place is right around the
                    corner.
          
          
          INT. TONY'S APARTMENT - DAY
          
          Carl's sitting awkwardly on the floor across from Tony.   They
          are both drinking tea.
          
                              TONY
                    It is only through the four noble
                    truths and the destruction of
                    desire that we can end suffering.
          
                              CARL
                    Well, that's really neat.
                        (awkward beat)
                    So, thanks for the books and the
                    jasmine tea and the vegan curry,
                    but I have to go --
          
                              TONY
                    Do you like Dionne Warwick?
          
          Tony flips on Dionne Warwick's "I Say a Little Prayer."
          
                              TONY (cont'd)
                    Now she had style.
          
                              CARL
                    It was really great meeting you --
          
                              TONY
                    C'mon, Carl. Shake your groove
                    thang.
          
                                                                      67.
          
          
          
          Tony pulls Carl up.    Carl starts to awkwardly shake his
          groove thing.
          
                              TONY (cont'd)
                    I like big guys.
          
                              CARL
                    I really have to go.
          
          Tony grabs Carl and kisses him full on the lips.
          
                              TONY
                    Want to go into my bedroom?
          
          CLOSE IN on Carl's face.      He looks down on the "Yes" that's
          on his palm.
          
                                 CARL
                           (very quiet)
                    Yes.
          
          Carl and Tony head into his bedroom.
          
          
          INT. TONY'S BEDROOM
          
                              CARL
                    Do you have any candles?      I just
                    love candles.
          
                                 TONY
                    Sure.
          
          Tony instantly pulls out candles and lights them.
          
                              CARL
                    How about wine?       Like a bottle of
                    Beaujolais?
          
                              TONY
                    I only have Beaujolais Nouveau.
          
          Tony pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses.     Tony goes
          in to kiss Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    I have herpes.
          
                              TONY
                    Upstairs or downstairs?
          
                              CARL
                    Downstairs?
          
                                                                  68.
          
          
          
                              TONY
                    Front door or back door?
          
                              CARL
                    It's a swinging door!
          
                              TONY
                    Just give it!
          
          Tony pushes Carl down onto the bed.
          
          
          INT. PETER'S LAW OFFICE
          
          Carl's sitting across from Peter in Peter's fancy law office.
          They're each eating burgers.
          
                              PETER
                    What's with the kitten?
          
          PULL BACK to reveal a kitten on Peter's desk.
          
                              CARL
                    I just adopted her. If you're
                    interested, they're giving them
                    away in front of Petco.
          
                              PETER
                    I don't want a kitten.
          
                              CARL
                    Neither did I.
          
                              PETER'S SECRETARY
                    Andy Solomon on line two.
          
          Peter picks up the phone.
          
                              PETER
                    Hey, asshole, we're not talking
                    until you sign that goddamn
                    contract.
          
          Peter hangs up.
          
                              PETER (cont'd)
                        (totally normal)
                    I spoke to Kath. I hear you met
                    her boyfriend, Seb.
          
                              CARL
                    Seems like a nice guy.
          
                                                                 69.
          
          
          
                              PETER
                    She was upset you went on her date.
          
                              CARL
                    He asked me to join them.
          
                              PETER
                    I think you're taking this too far.
          
                              CARL
                    I have no choice. I'm a yes man.
                    I must say yes. If Seb asks me to
                    join them on their date, I must.
                    If some dude asks me for a loan I
                    have to give it to them even if
                    it's clearly never going to be paid
                    back. If a guy asks me into his
                    bedroom, I must hook up with him.
          
                              PETER
                    You hooked up with a dude?
          
                              CARL
                    It's like hooking up with a strong
                    woman. I honestly don't see what
                    the big deal is.
                        (back on his yes rant)
                    I am guided by yes. Yes has become
                    my superpower. And let me tell,
                    yes is turning out to be a pretty
                    sweet deal. Now if you'll excuse
                    me I'm late for Korean class.
          
                              PETER
                    You hate Korean food.
          
                              CARL
                    That's no reason to write off an
                    entire, vibrant culture. See you
                    later, buddy.
          
          Carl heads off, the kitten under his arm.
          
          
          INT. GALLERY
          
          Carl walks around a photography gallery. Renee's photos are
          up. They are terrible photos, since they were taken while
          she was jogging. Their subjects are blurry. Some of them
          are half in the photo and half out. The featured photo is of
          Carl throwing up on the ground.
          
                                                                  70.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    You really are displaying that.
          
                              RENEE
                    That's probably my best photo ever.
                    My collages aren't bad. But
                    personally, I think I excel at
                    pottery.
          
          Renee POINTS to a LARGE, BROWN PLATE that looks like poo.
          
                              CARL
                    Wow. That's really big. How do
                    you have time for all this stuff?
          
                              RENEE
                    How do you have time to come to
                    every one of my rocks shows even
                    the one in Fairfield county that
                    was seventy-five miles from here?
                    I almost skipped that one.
          
                              CARL
                    You gave me the flier, so I had to
                    go.
          
                              RENEE
                    At first I thought you were a weird
                    stalker and I was scared. But now
                    I think you're just a really shy
                    dude with a crush. And while it's
                    been suspenseful to see when/if
                    you'd ask me out --
          
                              CARL
                    Do you want to go out sometime?
          
                              RENEE
                    Yes, I would.
          
                              CARL
                    By the way, I do other stuff
                    besides follow you around.
          
                                 RENEE
                    Like what?
          
                              CARL
                    I take Korean.
          
                              RENEE
                    In that case, what do you say we do
                    Korean?
          
                                                                  71.
          
          
          
          
          INT. KOREAN RESTAURANT - LATER
          
          Carl's eating across from Renee. He can't stand the food.
          He grimaces with every bite, but manages to choke it down.
          
                              RENEE
                    Do you want any more squid hot pot?
                    It's really good here.
          
                              CARL
                    I think I'm good.   To have some
                    more.
          
          Renee spoons a huge amount of squid onto both their plates.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    So, all this art you create.   What
                    do you want to do with it?
          
                              RENEE
                    What do you mean?
          
                              CARL
                    Like, do you want to open a store?
          
                              RENEE
                    Where I can sell my photos and
                    pottery? Of course not. They're
                    terrible.
          
          Carl's surprised that she knows this.
          
                              CARL
                    They're not terrible.
          
                              RENEE
                    Yeah, they're awful.
          
                              CARL
                    I think you're being hard on
                    yourself --
          
                              RENEE
                    I'm not asking for sympathy. My
                    voice is way too high-pitched, my
                    pottery looks like poo, and my
                    photos are blurry and subjectless.
                    But who gives a shit? Not
                    everything needs a goal. The world
                    is a playground. You know that as
                    a kid but then somewhere along the
                    way everyone forgets.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                 72.
          
                       RENEE (cont'd)
              (as if    telling a secret)
          Besides, I    can't open a store. My
          big master    plan is to take a trip
          around the    world.
          
                     CARL
          When?   Like in a couple years?
          
                    RENEE
          I bought a ticket for four months
          from now.
          
                    CARL
          People always talk about that, but
          you're actually doing it.
          
                     RENEE
          Honestly, I'm terrified.
              (THEN)
          How about you? Do you like the
          bank?
          
                    CARL
          It's lame, but you know, it's
          pretty funny. My boss Norman
          always throws theme parties.
          
                    RENEE
          So if it's lame why do you work
          there?
          
                    CARL
          Because... it's actually not lame.
              (REALIZING)
          I just gave the answer I've
          automatically given for years. I'm
          actually enjoying the bank for the
          first time maybe ever. I started
          this pilot program that gives out
          microloans.
          
                    RENEE
          What's that?
          
                    CARL
          Like say you need three hundred
          bucks to pay for paint so you can
          start a house painting business.
          Rather than paying a loan shark who
          charges you 300%, now you can come
          to Southwest Bank. Whatever. It's
          kind of dorky.
          
                                                                73.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    That actually sounds really cool.
          
          The waitress comes over.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    I'm stuffed. But I would love to
                    wrap this up.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                         SUBTITLES)
                    [We are very fat. But can I please
                    have this food made mobile?]
          
                              RENEE
                    So, what do you say we hit this
                    crazy party?
          
                              CARL
                    Funny, not crazy.    My boss is white
                    noise.
          
                              RENEE
                    White noise?
          
                              CARL
                    You know, like totally boring.
          
                              RENEE
                    I don't know anyone who's totally
                    boring. Crack a person's shell --
                    there's always something creepy
                    underneath.
          
          
          INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
          
          Norman opens the door. He's dressed as the Japanese
          character Hiro from the show Heroes.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Carl! Welcome. Or should I say,
                    uerukamu!
          
                              RENEE
                    What's going on?
          
                              CARL
                    I wouldn't bother.
          
                                                            74.
          
          
          
                              NORMAN
                    You didn't tell her? This is a
                    dress-up as your favorite character
                    from Heroes. Do you watch?
          
                              RENEE
                    I currently don't have a
                    television.
          
          Norman stares at her.
          
                              NORMAN
                    I don't know what to do with that
                    information. There are drinks,
                    chips, dips, various and sundry
                    noshes. I entreat you to make
                    friends. Let's get this party
                    started!
          
          
          INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT
          
          It's very quiet.    A couple people mill about.
          
                              CARL
                    We don't have to stay long.
          
                              RENEE
                    It's a party. Let's socialize.
          
          Carl and Renee walk up to a MOUSEY GIRL.
          
                                 CARL
                    I'm Carl.     This is Renee.
          
                                 KHATOON
                    Hey.     I'm Khatoon.
          
          It's complete silence.    Beat.
          
                              KHATOON (cont'd)
                    Do I know you from somewhere?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't think so.
          
                              KHATOON
                    Are you listed on
                    Persianwifefinder.com?
          
          Renee laughs.    Carl fake laughs with her.
          
                                                                      75.
          
          
          
                              KHATOON (cont'd)
                    Seriously, though, are you?
          
                              CARL
                    So, how do you know Norman?
          
                              KHATOON
                    Karate Club.
          
          Norman comes in with more chips.   There are now about ten
          times as many snacks as guests.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Baked Lays people!   It is on!
          
                              CARL
                    You're in a karate club?
          
          
          INT. NORMAN'S APARTMENT
          
          Everyone's standing around Norman. They've laid several
          pieces of wood out over a coffee table.
          
                                PARTY GUESTS
                    Norman!    Norman! Norman!
          
          Norman KARATE CHOPS the wood in half.   The guests cheer.
          Norman takes a big bow.
          
                              RENEE
                        (whispering to Carl)
                    Told ya there was something weird
                    under that white noise shell.
          
          Renee leaves Carl.
          
                              KHATOON
                    You're totally on
                    persianwifefinder.com.   SultanCarl.
          
          Carl turns to Norman.
          
                              CARL
                        (changing the subject)
                    Khatoon, Norman! You guys should
                    spar!
          
          Khatoon and Norman start to spar. Carl sits back, smiling.
          JASON, a cynical guy who's slightly drunk, sidles up beside
          Carl.
          
                                                           76.
          
          
          
                              JASON
                    Well, isn't that cute? We've got a
                    full match on. Hey, I'm Jason.
          
          They shake hands.
          
                                CARL
                    I'm Carl.    What do you do?
          
                              JASON
                    Work for the INS.
          
                                CARL
                    Cool.
          
                              JASON
                    I hate it. Everyday I have to dash
                    some poor guy's dream. I'm a
                    professional dream dasher.
          
                              CARL
                    It can't be that bad.
          
                              JASON
                    The other day, I turned down a guy
                    who had literally been a professor
                    at the University of Cuba.
          
          FLASHBACK OF JASON'S INS OFFICE
          
          Jason's sitting across from a CUBAN PROFESSOR.
          
                              CUBAN PROFESSOR
                    What? But I've already lived here
                    for five years. I've received a
                    steady paycheck and paid taxes for
                    five years. I speak fluent
                    English. I can't go back.
          
                              JASON
                    I'm sorry but no can do.
          
                               CUBAN PROFESSOR
                    I've passed the citizenship test
                    ten times. I bet you couldn't pass
                    that test.
          
                              JASON
                    You're probably right.
          
                              CUBAN PROFESSOR
                    Do you know the location of the
                    Spanish-American war?
          
                                                             77.
          
          
          
                                  JASON
                     Spain?
          
                                  CUBAN PROFESSOR
                     No.
          
                                  JASON
                     America?
          
                                  CUBAN PROFESSOR
                     No.
          
                               JASON
                         (SARCASTIC)
                     Spainerica?
          
                               CUBAN PROFESSOR
                     You are an insult to your country.
          
          BACK TO THE PARTY.
          
                               CARL
                     So did you let him in?
          
                               JASON
                     I sent him back to Cuba.       I send
                     them all back.
          
                               CARL
                     If you hate your job so much, why
                     do you do it?
          
                               JASON
                     Because I have to eat.
          
                               CARL
                         (to himself, in wonder)
                     You're a no man.
          
                                  JASON
                     Excuse me?
          
          Beat.   Carl makes a difficult decision.
          
                               CARL
                         (WHISPERING)
                     I'm not supposed to tell anyone
                     this except for my Yesponsor, but
                     you can change your life. I've
                     changed mine. If I tell you how,
                     will you promise not to tell
                     anyone?
          
                                                                   78.
          
          
          
                               JASON
                        (sarcastically whispering
                         BACK)
                    Yeah, sure, whatever.
          
                              CARL
                    I say yes. To everything.    Say Yes
                    More. It's that simple.
          
          Dramatic beat.   Jason finishes his drink.
          
                              JASON
                    That's the most retarded idea I've
                    ever heard.
          
          Jason heads off.   Renee returns.
          
                              RENEE
                    What did I miss?
          
                              CARL
                        (THROWN)
                    Nothing. Do you want to go?
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl and Renee walk into Carl's apartment. Ten kittens and
          puppies come running up to them as they enter.
          
                              RENEE
                    You work for the ASPCA?
          
                              CARL
                    I just love pets. This is
                    Veronica, King George, Owen, Carl
                    jr., Carl the III, Carl IV,
                    Bubbles, Greedo, Cat 1, Cat 2 and
                    Cat 3. At the end there, I got
                    kind of bored of naming them.
          
          They walk into Carl's living room/bedroom.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
          
          The room is piled floor to ceiling with boxes.   Renee starts
          to go through the boxes.
          
                              CARL
                    You don't need to do that.
          
                                                                   79.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    You have a lot of Mexican Viagra.
          
                              CARL
                    I have a congenital heart thing it
                    helps. And it's cheaper than the
                    stuff that's made here.
          
                              RENEE
                    You better not be a criminal.
                    Because one time I dated this guy
                    who jacked cars for a living and I
                    did not enjoy living on the edge as
                    much as I thought I would.
          
                              CARL
                    It's cheaper to buy in bulk.    Is
                    that a crime?
          
                              RENEE
                    A hundred boxes of Mexican
                    prescription drugs borders on
                    something vaguely criminal.
          
          Beat.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Well, are you going to make out
                    with me or what?
          
                              CARL
                    Yes.
          
          Carl grabs Renee and starts making out with her.   They fall
          onto the bed. REVEAL Rooney watching them.
          
                              ROONEY
                    You must be Renee. I have heard so
                    much about you. Can I watch?
          
          Carl doesn't know what to say.   Before he has to say yes...
          
                              RENEE
                    No, you can't watch.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S BEDROOM - LATER
          
          Renee and Carl lie next to each other.
          
                              RENEE
                    You know what I would love?    A
                    massage.
          
                                                                   80.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I give great massages.
          
          Carl starts massaging her.
          
                               RENEE
                    Oooh.   Yeah. Oooh, right there.
          
          Carl stops.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Don't stop.
          
          Carl continues massaging her.
          
          CHYRON: HALF HOUR LATER
          
          Carl's still massaging her.    He stops.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Can you please keep massaging?
          
          Carl starts massaging again.
          
          CHYRON: AN HOUR LATER
          
          Carl's massaging. His hands are really cramping up.   She's
          asleep. He stops massaging.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                        (while asleep)
                    Please keep massaging, please?
          
          Carl starts massaging again, wincing while he does it.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - LOAN DESK
          
          Carl's sitting across from a LARGE MAN. Carl's hands are
          like claws. A line of people waits to speak with him.
          
                              CARL
                    How much does a Schwinn cost?
          
                              LARGE MAN
                    Three hundred fifty three dollars.
                    It'll really help me get my one
                    hour delivery business off the
                    ground. I've tried on foot. I
                    only have a two mile radius.
          
                              CARL
                    Done and done.
          
                                                                      81.
          
          
          
          Carl stamps the package.      Norman comes over to the loan desk.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Hey, the boys upstairs are here to
                    speak with you.
          
                               CARL
                    Really?   Because I have a thing at
                    one...
          
                              NORMAN
                    He asked for you specifically.
                    Ixnay on the small loans-ay.
          
          Carl looks over. He sees the President (from the beginning
          of the movie) sitting in the conference room. Carl gets
          nervous.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          Carl walks into the conference room.     The bank president,
          CHRIS PARKER, motions to a seat.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Carl Kendall? I'm Chris Parker.
                    President of Southwest Bank.
          
                              CARL
                    I actually met you when I was just
                    a teller.
          
                               CHRIS PARKER
                        (no recollection of it at
                         ALL)
                    Of course!
                        (reading from a binder)
                    Pet-a-Puppy day. Free cookie day.
                    Free half hour on the bank's
                    punching bag day. You've upped
                    walk-in traffic by 35%. Not only
                    that -- you've also taken charge of
                    corporate day care. I like a team
                    player.
          
          Carl's phone buzzes.    The caller ID says LUCY.
          
                                 CARL
                    Thank you.
          
                                                                   82.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    But then I got suspicious. What
                    drives a man in his mid to late
                    thirties who's still at the
                    absolute lowest level of our
                    corporate family? Generous
                    helpfulness? Or raging revenge?
          
                              CARL
                    Generous helpfulness?
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Which is when I got the numbers
                    from your loan desk.
          
          Carl turns white. Carl's phone buzzes again.    The text says
          LUCY: "WHERE ARE YOU?"
          
                               CARL
                    Uh huh.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You've given out over 682 below
                    minimum loans. One of them was
                    literally for fifteen dollars and
                    eighty seven cents.
          
                              CARL
                    Janice Peabody's ant farm rental
                    business.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    How do you explain yourself?
          
                              CARL
                    I've started a microloan project.
                    I figure that if someone needs less
                    than ten grand why should they go
                    to a loan shark when they can come
                    to a legitimate banking
                    institution?
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Because the paperwork makes any
                    profit moot. Unless you're raiding
                    our coffers.
          
                               CARL
                    No.   I wouldn't do that.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I would if I could, so why wouldn't
                    you?
          
                                                                   83.
          
          
          
          Chris laughs. Carl laughs. Chris abruptly stops laughing.
          So does Carl. Carl's phone buzzes again. The text says
          LUCY: "I THOUGHT WE WERE MEETING AT ONE. PLEASE CALL BACK."
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    But then I looked closer at the
                    numbers. 85% of the loan
                    recipients have been paying them
                    off according to the bank's
                    schedule. Not just that, but 72%
                    of that group have returned as
                    regular full loan customers. This
                    is both a moneymaker and good for
                    the community. That like never
                    happens!
          
                                 CARL
                    Thank you.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You're the kind of person we want in
                    corporate. We're taking some clients
                    on a golfing trip. You golf?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You free tomorrow?
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Of course you are. I better watch
                    my back around you, Carl Kendall.
                    Soon you'll be taking my job. See
                    you on the links.
          
          Chris Parker grabs Carl's hand and shakes it.   Carl RUNS out
          of the office.
          
          
          EXT. SUGAR DREAMS BAKERY
          
          Carl RUNS up to the bakery.   Lucy's outside.
          
                              LUCY
                    What happened?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry -- bank meeting stuff.
          
                                                                   84.
          
          
          
          
          INT. SUGAR DREAMS BAKERY
          
          Lucy and Carl wander around a fancy bakery.
          
                              LUCY
                    I've never heard of a Wedding
                    Shower cake.
          
                              CARL
                    You have to have one. Modern Bride
                    calls them a necessity.
          
          Carl's phone rings.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Sorry, Luce. Work stuff.
                        (sotto into phone)
                    Yeah, I can definitely be at the
                    blood bank in twenty minutes.
          
          Carl hangs up.   Lucy suddenly starts crying.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Are you OK?
          
                              LUCY
                    I'm sorry, it's just you've been so
                    great at all this while my husband-
                    to-be has been completely absent.
                    Do you have time to grab a cup of
                    tea?
          
          
          INT. DEPARTMENT STORE TEA ROOM
          
          Carl and Lucy are each drinking tea.   The only other people
          in the tea room are groups of women.
          
                              LUCY
                    Is he scared to get married?    Is
                    that why he doesn't care?
          
                              CARL
                    You know Peter. He's a man's man.
                    He cares, he just doesn't know how
                    to show it.
          
                              LUCY
                    You know how to show it. A wedding
                    is a huge deal. I'm so scared.
          
                                                         85.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    You guys are perfect for each
                    other.
          
                              LUCY
                    I know that and yet I'm still so
                    scared.
          
                              CARL
                    Maybe if you're just honest with
                    him about how you're feeling it'll
                    be OK.
          
                              LUCY
                    He can be just so closed off.
          
          Carl's phone rings.
          
                              CARL
                    Sorry, the bank, you know?
                        (sotto into phone)
                    The UFO conference is tonight? No,
                    that's fine, I'll definitely be
                    there.
          
          Carl hangs up.
          
                                 CARL (cont'd)
                    I'm sorry.
          
                              LUCY
                    You've been so good to me. I've
                    really come to depend on you. I
                    want to pay you back.
          
                              CARL
                    Not necessary.
          
                              LUCY
                    Peter tells me you might have some
                    disposable income these days.
          
                              CARL
                    For some reason, the bank keeps
                    promoting me.
          
                              LUCY
                    If you want to look at some open
                    houses, I'm happy to waive my fee.
          
                                                                       86.
          
          
          
          
          INT. LUXURIOUS APARTMENT - DAY
          
          Carl and Lucy walk into a luxurious apartment. Gourmet
          kitchen, floor to ceiling windows, giant media center.
          
                              LUCY
                    So this is at the very top end of
                    what you could probably afford.
                    Are you interested?
          
          Carl hits a button.    A GIANT TELEVISION SCREEN DESCENDS.
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              LUCY
                    Are you sure? I mean, this is the
                    first place you've looked --
          
                                CARL
                    Yes.    I've got to run.
          
                              LUCY
                    I'm looking forward to meeting
                    Renee tonight.
          
                                 CARL
                    What?
          
                              LUCY
                    We're all having dinner.    Tonight.
                    Remember?
          
                               CARL
                    Right.   Of course.
          
          Carl runs out.
          
          
          INT. BLOOD BANK
          
          Carl giving blood while on the phone.
          
                              CARL
                        (on the phone)
                    I just think if we're going to be
                    rolling out a no interest financing
                    campaign we should commit hard.
          
          He checks his watch.    The NURSE walks by.
          
                                                                    87.
          
          
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (covering the phone)
                    Can you unhook me? I have a really
                    important meeting.
          
                              NURSE
                    If you're interested in donating
                    plasma, feel free to sign up.
          
          
          INT. UFO CONFERENCE
          
          Carl's listening to a lecture.
          
                              WEIRD PROFESSOR
                    Between 1996 and 2000 England's
                    Ministry of Defence paid security
                    cleared experts to research UFOs.
                    This classified study was code
                    named Project Condign.
          
          Carl's phone rings. People look angrily at him.    He stands
          and PASSES OUT in the aisle.
          
          
          EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
          
          Carl PULLS UP and RUNS inside.
          
          
          INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
          
          His friends are all waiting.    Carl pulls Renee aside.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry I'm late.
          
                              RENEE
                    That's fine. It's only the very
                    first time I've met your friends.
          
                              CARL
                    It was work, it went crazy late.
          
          Carl takes a breath.    He's about to pass out.
          
                              RENEE
                    What's with the "They're Out There"
                    and "I Gave" button?
          
          REVEAL Carl's sporting buttons that say "They're Out There"
          and "I Gave."
          
                                                                  88.
          
          
          
                               CARL
                    Long story.
                        (to the hostess)
                    Miss, could I have an orange juice?
                    Like fast?
          
          
          INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
          
          Renee, Carl, Kath, Seb, Peter and Lucy sit around a table at
          a nice restaurant. As per usual, Carl has several different
          meals in front of him. He also has a martini, a glass of
          water, and a glass of orange juice. Carl's showing off to
          his friends. As he shows off, Renee looks irritated.
          
                              CARL
                        (showing off, to Peter)
                    Your wife found me a really great
                    place. Built in Bose surround
                    sound, a 100 inch LCD flat screen
                    TV, roof deck with jacuzzi.
          
                              LUCY
                    Least I could do. At least he's
                    involved with our wedding.
          
                              PETER
                        (ignoring Lucy's tone)
                    I likey your suit-ey. Hugo Boss?
          
                              CARL
                    Oh, this old thing?   Prada, I
                    think.
          
                               RENEE
                    You think? We went to three
                    different Prada stores to find the
                    right fit.
          
                              LUCY
                    What do yo do for a living, Renee?
          
                              RENEE
                    I paint. I'm in a band. I do
                    volunteer work at a shelter. I
                    teach ESL. I do balloon animal
                    art. You know, a little of this, a
                    little of that.
          
                              CARL
                    You should check out her pottery.
                    It's really big.
          
                                                                    89.
          
          
          
                                 RENEE
                    It is big.     How about you guys?
          
                              LUCY
                    Real estate broker.
          
                                 PETER/KATH/SEB
                    Lawyer.
          
          Quiet beat.   The conversation's not exactly flowing easily.
          
                              PETER
                    If you'll excuse me.
          
          Peter leaves.   The waiter comes over.
          
                              WAITER
                    Have you made a decision about the
                    wine?
          
                              CARL
                    Well, we're kind of in a
                    celebratory mood.
          
                              WAITER
                    In that case, may I suggest a 97
                    Petit Rothschild?
          
          The Waiter points at a wine that costs $400 a bottle.
          
                              CARL
                    Maybe we should wait for Peter to
                    decide.
          
                              LUCY
                    He doesn't know crap about wine.
                    Just pick one, Carl.
          
          Carl is sweating bullets.
          
                               CARL
                    Why not?   Let's celebrate.
          
                              WAITER
                    With six people, I'd recommend two
                    bottles.
          
          
          INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - LATER
          
          Everyone's drinking the wine.    Carl's terrified of the bill.
          
                                                                90.
          
          
          
                              LUCY
                    Do you rent or own?
          
                                RENEE
                    I sublet.    I have this corner of a
                    loft.
          
                              CARL
                    It's a really nice corner though.
          
                              LUCY
                    If you're ever interested in
                    buying, you should ring me up.
          
                              RENEE
                    I hate owning things. Because when
                    you own something, you suddenly are
                    invested in that thing not
                    breaking. And I break everything.
                    I've gone through three TVS in
                    three years.
          
                              SEB
                    How did you break them?
          
                              RENEE
                    I smashed one with a hammer,
                    dropped one off my roof and the
                    third one just went on the fritz.
                    So I set it on fire.
          
          Carl's friends don't really know what to say. The check
          comes. Carl grabs it before anyone else can. It's a $1500
          bill. He drops several credit cards down on the table.
          
                              CARL
                    It's on me!
                        (quietly to the waiter)
                    I'd like to split it between an
                    Advanta Blue Business, Mastercard,
                    a Diners Club and my South Dakota
                    Bank Visa Check card.
          
          
          EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT
          
          Carl's outside with Peter.
          
                              PETER
                    Nice job with Renee. She's
                    definitely odd, but that's not
                    necessarily --
          
                                                91.
          
          
          
                    CARL
          I just spent $1500 on dinner.
          
                     PETER
          What?   Why?
          
                    CARL
          Because the waiter asked me if I
          wanted the expensive wine and you
          weren't there to stop me!
          
                    PETER
          Don't get mad at me about it.   You
          can just stop.
          
                    CARL
          No I can't. If I didn't say yes to
          the band flier, I never would have
          met Renee. If I hadn't said yes to
          taking charge of bank day care and
          then yes to becoming a loan
          specialist and then yes to the
          president's golf trip, I wouldn't
          be moving up. Each yes leads to
          the next one. If I stop, it could
          all fall apart.
          
                    PETER
          You've gone from a passive guy who
          always said no to a passive guy who
          always says yes. Just saying yes
          is not a legitimate life
          philosophy.
          
                    CARL
          I don't know why I should be taking
          advice from a guy who's wife is
          pissed he's not involved at all
          with the wedding planning.
          
                    PETER
          I'm involved.
          
                    CARL
          You told her you don't care whether
          the invite's cream or ivory.
          
                    PETER
          I can't see the difference.
              (opening up)
          Honestly, I'm terrified.
          
                                                                      92.
          
          
          
                               CARL
                    What?   Why?
          
                              PETER
                    It's marriage, you know?   The
                    biggest thing ever.
          
                              CARL
                    But you guys have dated for years.
          
                               PETER
                    I know.
          
                              CARL
                    You're perfect for each other.
          
                               PETER
                    I know.
          
                              CARL
                    She's terrified too.
          
                               PETER
                    Really?
          
                              CARL
                    Of course she is. I think you'll
                    both be a lot less terrified if
                    you're terrified together.
          
                              PETER
                    But what if I really can't tell the
                    difference between ivory and cream?
                    Does that make me a bad husband?
          
                              CARL
                    What matters is that you pretend
                    you can see the difference.
          
          The girls and Seb come out from the restaurant with their
          coats on. There's a silent beat.
          
                              GIRLS
                        (high pitched goodbyes)
                    It was wonderful meeting you!/I
                    loved it!/Let me know when you
                    throw your next art thing!
          
          Everyone gets into their cars.   Carl and Renee walk off.
          
                              RENEE
                    It was great meeting your friends.
          
                                                                  93.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    They're a little stiff.
          
          Beat.
          
                              RENEE
                    They are a little stiff.   What do
                    you feel like doing?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm actually going rollerblading
                    with Ralph.
          
                              RENEE
                    Ralph?
          
                              CARL
                    You know, crazy rollerblading
                    guitar man.
          
                              RENEE
                    The guy who plays at the promenade?
          
                              CARL
                    Any interest?
          
                              RENEE
                    No. It's ten on a Friday night.
                    And that guy's crazy. Don't you
                    want to go home and make out?
          
                              CARL
                    Yes.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl and Renee are making while Carl surreptitiously checks
          his watch. Finally, Renee stops kissing him.
          
                              RENEE
                        (ANNOYED)
                    Just go.
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl and CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN rollerblade down the
          street while guitar man plays guitar.
          
                                                                     94.
          
          
          
                              CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN
                    Which is why the merman is not to
                    be trusted, especially with the
                    fisherman's computer brain.
          
                              CARL
                    That is really good to know.
          
                              CRAZY ROLLERBLADING GUITAR MAN
                    You want to come see the merman?
          
                                 CARL
                           (RELUCTANT)
                    Yes.
          
          
          INT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY
          
          Carl dashes in, covered in spots of paint.    Chris appears.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    What happened to you?
          
          FLASHBACK: CHYRON: TEN MINUTES AGO
          
          Carl's playing really intense, terrifying paintball with
          Norman and Rooney.
          
          BACK TO NOW:
          
                              CARL
                    I do this whole Habitat for
                    Humanity Thing.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I love the concept of charity.
                    It's awesome.
          
          A group of KOREAN GENTLEMAN approach Carl and Chris.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    This is Carl Kendall. This is Jin
                    Kim, Joo-Chan Park, Soo Lee and
                    Seung Kim. Seung's the CEO of
                    Korean Bank International.
          
          The Koreans shake Carl's hand.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                         SUBTITLES)
                    [It is an honor to meet you.   Do
                    you like America?]
          
                                                                   95.
          
          
          
          The Koreans all start speaking Korean at Carl.   Carl clearly
          doesn't understand what they're saying.
          
          
          EXT. COUNTRY CLUB
          
          Chris and Carl follow the Koreans.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You speak Korean?
          
                              CARL
                    Just a little.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You sneaky devil. I knew I should
                    watch my back around you.
          
                              CARL
                    Is it a problem if I've never
                    played golf before?
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You're a funny one, Carl Kendall.
                    Remember, they have to win. In
                    Asian cultures, there's a concept
                    called Saving Face. You have to
                    let them win. But if they smell
                    for a second that you haven't tried
                    your hardest, they'll commit hari
                    kari.
          
                              CARL
                    Metaphorically?
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Who knows? It's a delicate
                    balance, Kendall. Like two little
                    girls on a see saw with a crocodile
                    beneath them. Make the wrong move,
                    and the little girl will end up in
                    the croc's maw.
          
          
          EXT. GOLF COURSE
          
          Carl stands with the Koreans. Seung Kim is speaking very
          rapidly at Carl. Carl has no idea what he's saying. Seung
          Kim laughs. Carl laughs along with him. Chris hits a
          beautiful shot. His ball lands almost on the green. The
          Koreans notice and nervously chatter. Chris approaches Carl.
          
                                                                       96.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Alright, buddy. It's all you.
          
          Carl grabs a nine iron from the golf bag.    Everyone seems
          very impressed.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    You must have quite a powerful
                    stroke.
          
                              CARL
                    I do.
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                        (in Korean, to Carl)
                    [Good luck, my friend.]
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean)
                    [I shall need the luck.    This is my
                    first time playing.]
          
          Seung Kim laughs.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (under his breath)
                    Why does everyone think I'm joking?
          
          Carl gingerly places the golf ball on the tee.    He looks
          towards the hole.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    That's really far.
          
          Carl lines up his shot. He swings back, then forward, and
          PLOWS the club into the grass, knocking the ball off the tee.
          The ball rolls down a slight incline resting just a couple
          feet from where Carl hit it.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (in Korean, to Seung Kim)
                    [You're up, Seung Kim.]
          
          Carl walks back to where Chris is at.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    What was that?
          
                              CARL
                    Just keeping them on their toes.
                    Reverse psychology. Tiger Woods
                    does it.
          
                                                                    97.
          
          
          
          Seung Kim raises his club back. He too dubs it, driving the
          club deep into the grass. His ball rolls just a couple feet
          past Carl.
          
          GOLF MONTAGE WHEREIN CARL AND SEUNG KIM COMPETE TO NOT BE THE
          ABSOLUTE WORST GOLF PLAYER EVER
          
          -- Carl hits the ball straight into a group of trees.
          
          -- Seung Kim, standing right in front of a pond, delicately
          taps his ball right into the pond.
          
          -- Carl keeps divoting the grass. He divots so many times
          that he has to move the ball out of the hole's he's
          accidentally dug.
          
          -- Seung Kim hits his ball out of the sand trap. It rolls
          back in. He tries again. It rolls back in. He's about to
          try again when Carl picks up his ball and tosses it over the
          lip of the sand trap. Carl holds his finger up to his lips:
          "Shhh."
          
          -- Carl's about to hit the ball when his phone rings.   He
          answers it.
          
                                CARL (cont'd)
                      Of course not.
          
          The other golfers look really impatient.
          
                                 CARL (cont'd)
                      Male.
                          (BEAT)
                      Apartment.
                          (BEAT)
                      I prefer light beer.
                          (BEAT)
                      Three to five times a week.
                          (BEAT)
                      Orlando.
          
          Carl holds up his finger.   Only one moment.
          
          
          -- It's   getting late. Now both Carl and Seung Kim are
          hitting   their balls at once to save time. They are both
          running   and hacking at their balls across the fairway as if
          they're   playing a deranged game of field hockey.
          
          
          EXT. GOLF COURSE - EARLY EVENING
          
          Carl is counting up the scores.
          
                                                                 98.
          
          
          
                               CARL
                     Chris, you hit a 90.   Nice one.
          
                               CHRIS PARKER
                     I bogied the fifth hole.   I'm still
                     pissed about that.
          
                               CARL
                     Joo-Chan hit a 95. Nice work.      As
                     for Seung Kim. You hit 453.
          
          Seung glowers at Carl.
          
                               CARL (cont'd)
                     And as for me, I hit...
                         (doing some computations)
                     ... 503.
          
                                SEUNG KIM
                     Yes!
          
          Seung Kim pumps his fist.
          
                               CARL
                     I'm sorry to say that team Korean
                     Bank International has won.
          
          Seung Kim slaps five with his compatriots.
          
          
          INT. COUNTRY CLUB - POST GOLF
          
          Carl, Chris and the Koreans are all hanging out. Carl is
          alone in the corner of the conference hall. A PRETTY FEMALE
          KOREAN BANKER approaches Carl.
          
                               PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
                         (in Korean)
                     [You are quite the golfer.]
          
                               CARL
                         (in Korean)
                     [I golf from crotch noodle.]
          
          Beat.   She laughs.   He laughs along with her.
          
                               PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
                         (in Korean)
                     [I have a business proposition for
                     you. My marriage is not a happy
                     one. I often find my needs are
                     left unsatisfied.]
          
                                                                    99.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean)
                    [I agree. The weather is sunny.]
          
                              PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
                        (in Korean)
                    [I wish that was so.]
                        (in English)
                    Kiss me? Please?
          
          Carl doesn't know what to do.
          
                                 CARL
                           (NERVOUSLY)
                    Yes.
          
          She kisses him passionately.    Carl breaks away from the kiss.
          
                              PRETTY KOREAN BANKER
                    Am I not sexy? Have you not heard
                    of saving face?
          
                              CARL
                    You're very sexy.
          
          Carl and the Korean Banker kiss more.   Carl looks guilty.
          
          
          EXT. COUNTRY CLUB
          
          Carl's shaking hands with the Korean Bank Representatives.
          Chris shakes Carl's hand.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I'm promoting you to bank manager.
                        (pulling Carl close)
                    I've got my eye on you, boy. Don't
                    you forget it.
          
          Chris laughs. Carl nervously laughs along with him. The
          Pretty Korean Banker walks by and waves at him. Carl waves
          back. He looks very guilty.
          
          
          INT. POTTERY STUDIO
          
          Carl walks into the pottery studio, looking guilty.   Renee is
          making a giant piece of pottery.
          
                              RENEE
                    What's up, chicken butt?
                        (off his guilty look)
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                 100.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Are you OK? Did everything go OK
                    at golf?
          
          Carl considers whether he should say anything about the kiss.
          
                              CARL
                    I just got promoted to bank
                    manager.
          
                              RENEE
                    Congratulations!
          
          Renee kisses Carl.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    Oooh, we should do some sexy
                    pottery. Like you can rub the clay
                    all over me.
          
                               CARL
                    OK.
          
          Carl goes to grab some clay.
          
                              RENEE
                    I was kidding. Not as sexy as it
                    seems. It gets in like everywhere.
                        (awkward beat)
                    What should we do to celebrate?
          
                              CARL
                    Have dinner?
          
                              RENEE
                    How about Korean? Oh, no, you
                    probably already had some today.
          
                              CARL
                        (NERVOUSLY)
                    No, we just had American food,
                    American fare.
          
                              RENEE
                    You've just been so busy -- it'd be
                    fun to have a night just the two of
                    us. I wish we could just go to the
                    airport and hop on the first flight
                    outta here.
          
          Carl's eyes light up.
          
                               CARL
                    Yes.
          
                                                                 101.
          
          
          
          
          INT. AIRPORT - TICKET COUNTER
          
          Renee and Carl are in line at the ticketing counter.
          
                              RENEE
                        (with an English accent)
                    I think we're going to London.
          
                              CARL
                        (with a Spanish accent)
                    Oaxaca, senorita.
          
                              RENEE
                        (with a Russian accent)
                    Moscow, Russia, comrade.
          
                               CARL
                        (with an unidentifiable
                         ACCENT)
                    Singapore.
          
                              RENEE
                    What was that?
          
                              CARL
                    My Singaporean accent.     Pretty
                    good, right?
          
          They get to the front of the line.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                        (PROUDLY)
                    We want two tickets on the next
                    plane out of here.
          
                              AIRLINE REP
                    Two tickets to... Lincoln,
                    Nebraska.   Have a good time.
          
          Carl and Renee take the tickets.
          
                              CARL
                        (acting positive)
                    Lincoln, Nebraska! Here we come,
                    baby!
          
                              AIRLINE REP
                    That'll be twelve hundred and
                    thirty three dollars.
          
                              RENEE
                    Maybe we shouldn't do this.
          
                                                                  102.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I've been promoted.     I've got money
                    to burn.
          
          Carl nervously hands the Airline Rep his credit card.
          
          
          INT. AIRPORT - OUTSIDE SECURITY
          
          Carl's walking towards security when he runs into TONY, the
          homosexual guy he hooked up with. Tony's handing out his
          books.
          
                              TONY
                    Do you want to change your life
                    through Mahayana Buddhism?
          
          Carl takes one of the books.
          
                                 TONY (cont'd)
                    Carl?
          
          Carl realizes who he is. Suddenly they are in the middle of
          an awkward ex-lover interaction.
          
                                 CARL
                    Tony.
          
                              TONY
                    How've you been?     You... never
                    called.
          
                                 CARL
                    I'm sorry.     I've been busy.
          
                              TONY
                    Yeah, well, I've been busy too.
          
          Renee comes up and grabs Carl's arm.
          
                              RENEE
                    Hey, who's your friend?
          
          Tony looks at Renee and realizes that she's Carl's
          girlfriend.
          
                                 RENEE (cont'd)
                    I'm Renee.
          
                               TONY
                    I'm Tony. I'm an old, close friend
                    of Carl's.
          
                                                                   103.
          
          
          
                                 ANNOUNCER
                       Flight 2036 to Lincoln, Nebraska,
                       now boarding.
          
                                 CARL
                       That's our flight. We should
                       probably get going.
          
                                 RENEE
                       It was nice meeting you.
          
                                 CARL
                       See you soon.
          
                                 TONY
                           (dripping with bitterness)
                       Have fun. You abigail.
          
          Carl and Renee head off.
          
          
          INT. PLANE
          
          Renee and Carl have the aisle and window on the plane.   A
          YOUNG WOMAN comes up to Carl.
          
                                 YOUNG WOMAN
                       Hi, there. Would you mind
                       switching places with me? I want
                       to be across the aisle from my mom.
          
          Her MOM is indeed across from Carl.
          
                                 RENEE
                       We're actually flying together.
          
                                 YOUNG WOMAN
                       It would really mean a great deal.
                       She's very scared of flying.
          
                                 CARL
                       Where's your seat?
          
          The YOUNG WOMAN points at her seat. It's a couple rows up in
          the middle. Her middle seat's BOOKENDED by a MOM with a
          SCREAMING BABY and an ENORMOUS MAN.
          
                                 CARL (cont'd)
                       This is an aisle. That's a middle.
          
          Renee looks at Carl like, why won't you just refuse?
          
                                                                    104.
          
          
          
                              MOM
                    I'm really scared of flying.
          
          CUT TO MOMENTS LATER
          
          Carl between the crying baby and the ENORMOUS MAN. Renee
          turns and waves to him from a couple rows up. Carl puts on a
          saccharin smile and waves back.
          
          
          INT. LINCOLN AIRPORT - LATER
          
          Carl and Renee are in the airport.
          
                              RENEE
                    So, now that we're here, what
                    should we do?
          
                              CARL
                    Well, clearly we should go there.
          
          Carl points to an advertisement for a telephone museum:
          "Come to the Frank H. Woods Telephone Pioneer Museum."
          
          
          INT. FRANK H. WOODS TELEPHONE PIONEER MUSEUM
          
          Carl and Renee are looking at MANNEQUINS OF NINETEENTH
          CENTURY SWITCHBOARD OPERATORS. It's incredibly quiet.
          
                              CARL
                    I had no idea that the earliest
                    switchboard operator headsets
                    weighed ten and a half pounds.
                    That is fascinating.
          
                                 RENEE
                    It is?
          
                              CARL
                    Not at all.
          
          Renee laughs. An ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE dressed as a telephone
          operator approaches.
          
                              ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE
                        (in character)
                    I'll connect you to the coast in an
                    instant with Alexander Graham
                    Bell's brand new invention -- the
                    telephone! Just a haypenny per ten
                    minutes.
                        (out of character)
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  105.
          
                              ELDERLY TOUR GUIDE (cont'd)
                    This place is boring as shit.
                    Check out the Lester F. Larsen
                    Tractor Test & Power Museum. Now
                    that's an attraction. Ask for
                    Billy.
          
          She hands Carl a brochure.
          
          
          EXT. LESTER F. LARSEN TRACTOR TEST AND POWER MUSEUM
          
          Carl and Renee stand outside.
          
                              RENEE
                    We don't have to do this.
          
                              CARL
                    We're here. We might as well.
          
          
          EXT. FIELD - MOMENTS LATER
          
          Carl and Renee RIDE A TRACTOR.   Renee's taking photos as they
          BUMP OVER THE FIELD.
          
                              CARL
                    THIS IS AWESOME!
          
                              TRACTOR DRIVER
                    WANT ME TO OPEN THIS SUCKER UP?
          
                              CARL/RENEE
                    YES!
          
          The driver TURNS UP THE SPEED.   They're suddenly going crazy
          fast.
          
                              TRACTOR DRIVER
                    TAKE THE WHEEL! FEEL THE POWER OF
                    JOHN DEERE!
          
          Carl takes the wheel. The tractor IMMEDIATELY GETS AWAY FROM
          HIM. They SWERVE STRAIGHT and CRASH THROUGH THE WALL OF AN
          OLD BARN. The DRIVER kills the engine. Renee, Carl and the
          Driver catch their breath.
          
                              CARL
                    There's, uhh, no power steering.
          
                              TRACTOR DRIVER
                    It's a tractor, not a Toyota.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry about the barn.
          
                                                                 106.
          
          
          
                                 TRACTOR DRIVER
                       Been meaning to tear this sucker
                       down anyway.
          
          
          EXT. ANTELOPE PARK AND SUNKEN GARDENS
          
          Carl and Renee walk around a surprisingly pretty city park.
          
                                 RENEE
                       I think I might have whiplash from
                       that tractor ride.
          
                                 CARL
                       Just don't sue me.
          
                                 RENEE
                       Watch your back, Carl.   I mean it.
                       I'm very litigious.
          
                                 CARL
                       This day has been so randomly
                       incredible.
          
                                  RENEE
                       Would you... want to... travel
                       around the world with me?
                           (THEN)
                       I mean, I know we haven't really
                       been seeing each other for that
                       long, but I don't know...
          
                                 CARL
                       Yes.
          
                                 RENEE
                       Yes?
          
                                 CARL
                       Definitely.
          
                                 RENEE
                       I think I'm falling, you know...
                       Are you... ?
          
                                 CARL
                       Yes.
          
          They kiss.
          
                                 RENEE
                       Before our flight, what do you say
                       we grab a couple Nebraskan steaks?
          
                                                                    107.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I'm definitely falling for you.
          
          
          INT. LINCOLN AIRPORT
          
          Carl's sitting in the lounge at the Lincoln Airport.    An OLD
          WOMAN comes up to him.
          
                              OLD WOMAN
                    Excuse me. Would you mind bringing
                    this to my son?
          
          The Old Woman hands Carl an UNMARKED, SHADY-LOOKING PACKAGE.
          
                              CARL
                    Like you want me to bring it with
                    me? On the plane?
          
                              OLD WOMAN
                    Fedex is so expensive and this
                    needs to get to him today.
          
                              CARL
                        (very nervous)
                    Yeah. Sure. I'd be happy to.
          
                              OLD WOMAN
                    He's a tall, blond fellow named
                    Sheldon Winkleton. He'll be
                    holding a sign in the terminal with
                    his name on it. You are a dear.
          
          The Old Woman shuffles off.    Carl looks at the box.   Renee
          returns.
          
                              RENEE
                    I got US Weekly, Star and, for a
                    little culture, the National
                    Enquirer.
          
                              CARL
                    National Enquirer?
          
                              RENEE
                    They have movie reviews.    What's in
                    the package?
          
                              CARL
                    Just a gift for some buddies back
                    home.
          
                                                                   108.
          
          
          
          
          INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY
          
          Carl walks through security. He puts the package on the
          conveyor belt. They don't notice anything odd.
          
          
          INT. PLANE
          
          Carl and Renee sit next to each other on the plane.
          
                                 RENEE
                       I'm sorry, I have to go to the
                       bathroom.
          
          Renee heads to the bathroom. Carl takes the package out from
          under the seat in front of him. He starts to breathe really
          hard. He very gingerly opens the package. He pulls back the
          packing peanuts revealing... a box of homemade chocolates.
          Carl breathes a SIGH OF RELIEF.
          
          
          INT. AIRPORT
          
          Carl and Renee walk off the plane, Carl carrying the package
          under his arm. Carl sees a tall blond guy holding a sign
          that says "SHELDON WINKLETON." He heads towards the guy but
          before he can several DEA AGENTS with ADORABLE, DRUG SNIFFING
          DOGS surround Carl. The dogs start BARKING LIKE MAD.
          
                                 DEA AGENT
                       Put the package down!    Put it down!
          
          Carl looks up to see "Sheldon" WALKING SWIFTLY OUT THE
          SLIDING DOORS of the airport.
          
                                 DEA AGENT (cont'd)
                       Get on the ground! Both of you!
          
          The DEA AGENTS KICK the box open. Chocolates spill out over
          the ground. They crack open the chocolates to reveal TINY
          BAGGIES OF COCAINE.
          
                                 RENEE
                       What the hell is that?
          
                                 CARL
                       I don't know!
          
          As Carl is dragged out by the cops, he passes Tony, standing
          near the exit, shaking his head.
          
                                                                 109.
          
          
          
          
          INT. JAIL - INTERROGATION ROOM
          
          Carl's sitting across from two DEA Agents, Good Cop Bob and
          Bad Cop Bob.
          
                                 GOOD COP BOB
                    I'm Bob.
          
                              BAD COP BOB
                    And I'm Bob.
          
          Carl can't help but laugh.
          
                              BAD COP BOB (cont'd)
                    Do you find that funny?
          
          Carl sees his hand with "Yes" on it.
          
                             CARL
                    Yes. I'm sorry. Just let the girl
                    go. She doesn't know anything.
          
                              BAD COP BOB
                    We'll see about that, Carl.
          
                              CARL
                    Some old lady gave me a package in
                    the Lincoln airport to deliver to
                    her son, Sheldon Winkleton. That
                    was really stupid of me and I
                    realize that now. I don't know
                    anything about anything.
          
                              GOOD COP BOB
                    Just answer a few questions and I'm
                    sure we'll get this all sorted out.
                    Have you ever used illegal drugs?
          
          Carl stares at them.    He should probably lie...
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
          
                                 GOOD COP BOB
                    Pot?
          
                               CARL
                    Yes.   But that's all.
          
                              BAD COP BOB
                    How about shrooms?
          
                                                                   110.
          
          
          
          Carl nods.
          
                                 CARL
                       But that's the only bad shit I've
                       done. I swear.
          
                                 BAD COP BOB
                       Never cheated on a girlfriend?
          
                                 CARL
                           (WEEPING)
                       Yes, I have. But I was in high
                       school. I was a mess. She had
                       cheated on me --
          
          The Bad Cop SLAMS his fist down on the table.
          
                                 BAD COP BOB
                       You disgust me.
          
          The Good Cop restrains the Bad Cop.
          
          
          INT. JAIL - OUTSIDE THE INTERROGATION ROOM
          
          The two cops DISCUSS Carl. We see Carl freaking out through
          the one-way mirror behind them as they talk.
          
                                 GOOD COP BOB
                       He's a moron. But I think he's
                       telling the truth.
          
                                 BAD COP BOB
                       I agree. No one ever admits to the
                       cheating question.
          
          
          EXT. POLICE STATION
          
          Carl's sitting on the steps.    Renee comes out of the station.
          
                                 RENEE
                       What the hell happened?
          
                                 CARL
                       I can explain.
          
                                 RENEE
                       So explain. Are you a drug
                       smuggler?
          
                                                          111.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    Look, when the nice lady asked me
                    to take them on the plane, I
                    thought they were chocolates.
          
                              RENEE
                    You expect me to believe a nice
                    lady asked you to bring chocolates
                    on a plane?
          
                              CARL
                    I know how it sounds.
          
                              RENEE
                    I don't think you do.
          
          Carl just looks at her.
          
                              RENEE (cont'd)
                    If you can't be honest with me,
                    then you and the nice lady can have
                    a fun life in Candyland.
          
          Renee starts off.
          
                                 CARL
                    Wait!     I'll explain better.
          
          She turns back around.
          
          
          INT. COFFEE SHOP
          
          Carl sits across from Renee.
          
                              RENEE
                    So you've just been saying yes to
                    everything.
          
                                 CARL
                    Yes.
                        (THEN)
                    Pardon the pun.
          
                                 RENEE
                    Oh.
          
                              CARL
                    See? Do you get it now? It's
                    nothing, just a glitch really.
          
                                                                  112.
          
          
          
                              RENEE
                    I thought we had so much in common
                    but if you just yes to everything I
                    don't know that we do. How do I
                    know if you even like Korean food?
          
          Beat.
          
                                CARL
                    I don't.
          
                              RENEE
                    Do you even want to travel around
                    the world at all or do you want to
                    work at that bank and buy a lot of
                    Prada suits?
          
                              CARL
                        (CONFUSED)
                    Yes. And yes.
          
          Something registers in Renee.
          
                              RENEE
                    When I asked if you were falling
                    for me all you said was yes.
          
          She rises, shaking her head, and heads for the door.
          
                              CARL
                    It wasn't a lie.
          
                                RENEE
                    Yes.    It was.
          
          
          INT. BLOOD BANK
          
          Carl's strapped to a giant plasma donation machine. It's
          horrifying. As he donates plasma, he could not look more
          depressed.
          
                              NURSE
                    It'll be over soon.
          
                              CARL
                    I don't care. Just take it all.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
          
          Carl stumbles into the lounge outside Chris's office.
          
                                                                 113.
          
          
          
                              SECRETARY
                    Chris will be with you in a moment.
                    Would you like something to drink?
          
          
          INT. CHRIS PARKER'S OFFICE - DAY
          
          Carl walks into Chris's office carrying a cup of coffee a
          Diet Coke, and a bottle of water.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    So I got a call from the police
                    department.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm not a drug dealer --
          
          Chris closes the door to his office.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I spent a couple years in prison
                    myself. So I backdated some stock
                    options. Excuse me for trying to
                    help our bottom line, right?
          
                              CARL
                    You got to do what you got to do to
                    help Mr. And Mrs. Shareholder.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    We are their slaves.
          
                                 CARL
                    Totally.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Honestly, I prefer for all my top
                    guys to have been in the Big House.
                    We've all eaten the slop. There's
                    a trust there you can't break.
          
          Chris holds out his hand.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    So, what do you say to being a VP
                    and expanding your microloan
                    program bankwide?
          
                                 CARL
                           (SURPRISED)
                    Yes.
          
          Carl shakes Chris's hand.
          
                                                                   114.
          
          
          
          
          INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
          
          Carl's office has VIEWS of other corporate parks. Despite
          the fancy digs, Carl's depressed. Chris pokes his head in.
          Carl's on the phone.
          
                              CARL
                        (on the phone)
                    That's right, we're dropping the
                    minimum loan to one dollar, bank-
                    wide.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Could you look through these
                    numbers and let me know which of
                    our five branches have been lagging
                    behind in profit?
          
          Chris dumps a folder on Carl's desk.
          
                              CARL
                    I thought I was just implementing
                    the microloan program.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    You're a VP, buddy. You do it all
                    now.
          
          
          INT. POTTERY STUDIO
          
          Carl's taking a pottery lesson. He is sadly going through
          the motions of making a pot. He checks his watch and
          departs, leaving the unfinished pot spinning on the pottery
          wheel.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
          
          The VPs are sitting around the board room.    Carl comes in,
          late, still covered in clay.
          
                              CARL
                    Sorry about that.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Carl, I'm glad you could join us.
                    So, to keep you all updated, we
                    should be merging with Korean Bank
                    International within the year.
          
          Everyone claps.
          
                                                                    115.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    As per our argument with KBI, we'll
                    be shoring up our bottom line.
                    Carl Kendall's done us the honor of
                    drawing up a preliminary list of
                    the branches that are on the
                    chopping block. Nice work, Carl.
          
          Carl looks horrified.
          
          
          INT. CHRIS PARKER'S OFFICE
          
          Carl's in the middle of a heated discussion with Chris.
          
                              CARL
                    You can't close the Maple Branch!
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I know that Maple's where you got
                    your start, but if I don't lay
                    those people off then I get laid
                    off. It's a vicious cycle.
          
                              CARL
                    You don't have to if you don't want
                    to.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                        (deadly serious)
                    If we don't close these branches
                    than KBI will buy our competitor
                    instead of us and put us all out of
                    business. If you want to be an
                    executive and get to do fun stuff
                    like your microloan project, then
                    you also have to be the bad guy who
                    lays people off. That's why we get
                    paid the big bucks. To make the
                    hard decisions.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Norman's crying.   Rooney's getting worked up.
          
                              NORMAN
                    The bank's all I've got. Every
                    morning I restock the hard candy,
                    polish the safe, write today's
                    interest rates on the board.
          
                                                                 116.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    There are other banks.
          
                              ROONEY
                    We have to protest the merger.   Get
                    some grassroots action going.
                    Grass looks weak, but it grows
                    everywhere.
          
                              CARL
                    You don't even work at the bank.
          
                              NORMAN
                    You should protest with us!
          
                              ROONEY
                    Yeah! Protest with your employees!
                    It will only make you more popular!
          
          
          EXT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
          
          Southwest Bank employees and Carl stand in a picket line
          outside the corporate offices.
          
                              EMPLOYEES
                    Hell no! We won't go!    Hell no!
                    We won't go!
          
          Chris gets out of his car and heads to the office. Carl
          hides his face from Chris so that Chris won't recognize him.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Throw a rock at him.
          
                              NORMAN
                    Yeah, throw a rock!
          
          Carl grabs a rock and VERY DELICATELY LOBS IT in Chris's
          direction. He then TAKES OFF RUNNING in the opposite
          direction. He then CIRCLES AROUND and runs into the back
          entrance of the bank.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES
          
          We FOLLOW Carl as he runs up the service entrance to the
          corporate offices.
          
                                                                117.
          
          
          
          
          INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
          
          Carl then RUNS into his office and sits down at the desk.
          He's covered in sweat and is breathing heavily. Chris pokes
          his head in.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Some asshole protestor threw a rock
                    at my head.
          
                              CARL
                    Those dicks.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I wish using hoses wasn't such bad
                    PR.
          
          Chris leaves his office.
          
          
          INT. PETER'S LAW OFFICE
          
          Carl sits across from Peter.
          
                              CARL
                    I think I made a mistake letting
                    Renee go like that. What if I'm
                    supposed to go on that trip?
          
                              PETER
                    You own an apartment because of
                    that job. People don't generally
                    leave good jobs.
          
                              CARL
                    But the bank doesn't feel right...
          
          Peter's phone rings.   Peter picks it up.
          
                              PETER
                    Hey, honey. I think we should go
                    with the tulips. I know roses are
                    more romantic, but they're also
                    much more clich�d. Babe, can you
                    wait a second?
                        (covering the phone)
                    I'm going to be on for a while.
                    Ask your guru. He's the one who
                    sent you on this retarded quest in
                    the first place.
          
                                                                   118.
          
          
          
          
          INT. MARRIOTT CONFERENCE CENTER
          
          Sanji's SIGNING BOOKS.    Carl gets to the front of the line.
          
                                 CARL
                    Hi, Sanji.     I'm Carl.   Kendall.
          
                              SANJI
                        (no memory of Carl)
                    Of course! Would you like to
                    purchase my new book, "The Power of
                    Yes: Life is Yessy"?
          
                              CARL
                    Actually, I had a question for
                    you...
          
                              SANJI
                    Well, this line is for book
                    customers only.
          
          
          INT. MARRIOTT COFFEE SHOP - LATER
          
          Sanji's eating by himself.    Carl comes up to him.
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry to bother you again --
          
                              SANJI
                    Can't you see that I'm eating?
          
                              CARL
                    I have a really important question.
                    I have to choose between traveling
                    around the world with a girl I'm
                    really into or choosing a job that
                    will make me pretty well off. I
                    don't know which yes to take.
          
                              SANJI
                    How well off?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't know why that's important.
          
                              SANJI
                    I should know all the data.
          
                                 CARL
                    A lot, OK?
          
                                                                   119.
          
          
          
                                  SANJI
                    This is    what I recommend. Every
                    winter,    I throw a two week long
                    seminar    in Aspen. It's only ten
                    grand a    week and it will open your
                    mind up    --
          
                              CARL
                    I don't want to go to a seminar. I
                    just need help with this question.
          
                              SANJI
                    For you, eight grand a week. I
                    have helped celebrities like Cher
                    and Jack Welch. You will love it --
          
                              CARL
                        (REALIZING)
                    You're a total con artist.
          
                              SANJI
                    I am not a con artist. Have I not
                    set you on the life path you
                    desire?
          
                              CARL
                        (PANICKING)
                    I've put my life into the hands of
                    a con artist! And because of you I
                    have this retarded yes branded on
                    my hand for life!
                        (yelling to the
                         RESTAURANT)
                    This man is a con artist! Don't
                    listen to this man! He is a con
                    artist!
          
          Carl runs out of the restaurant.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl returns home.    Rooney's on the couch, wearing a headset
          playing Xbox Live.
          
                              ROONEY
                        (into the headset)
                    You are dead, AnalDestroyer832!
          
          Carl PULLS the xBox cord out of the law.
          
                                 CARL
                    Out!
          
                                                                120.
          
          
          
                               ROONEY
                    What?   Why?
          
                              CARL
                    You've slept on my couch for four
                    weeks. You're a grown man. Now
                    sack up and get the hell out of
                    here.
          
                              ROONEY
                    Will you let me stay here please?
          
                              CARL
                    Are you deaf?
          
                              ROONEY
                    You have to say yes if I ask you.
          
                                CARL
                    You knew?
          
                               ROONEY
                    I may not seem like I get it, but I
                    get everything. Lucy and Kath?
                    Made out one time in the bathroom
                    at Rudy's.
          
                              CARL
                    Get the hell out of here.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM
          
          Carl's in front of his computer. There are a bunch of emails
          selling Viagra. He angrily deletes them all. He gets a
          letter from the King of Nigeria.
          
                              NIGERIAN KING (V.O.)
                    Dear Carl, It is vitally important
                    you send me your bank account
                    information. The government will
                    be closing in on my account in the
                    very near future. Your good
                    friend, Omar, Former King of
                    Nigeria.
          
          Carl starts typing fast. As Carl writes the following email,
          we cuts of him THROWING AWAY THE BOXES OF STUFF HE BOUGHT
          OVER THE INTERNET and GIVING AWAY THE SIX KITTENS HE GOT TO
          THE ASPCA.
          
                                                                   121.
          
          
          
                              CARL (V.O.)
                    Omar, Let's cut the crap. You are
                    not a king. You're probably just a
                    teenage con artist jerking off
                    somewhere in Russia. Write me
                    again and I will find you and beat
                    your stupid lying face in. Dick.
                    Sincerely, Carl Kendall.
          
          Carl angrily flips off his computer.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
          
          CLOSE ON THE ALARM.   His alarm goes off.   Carl HITS IT off.
          It's now DAYTIME.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT - DAY
          
          Carl gets dressed. He puts on his suit and tie. His
          apartment is noticeably nicer than the last time we saw it.
          
          
          EXT. STREET
          
          Carl drives down the street in a FANCY CAR. He PULLS INTO
          DUNKIN DONUTS. He gets out of the car and passes a guy
          handing out fliers.
          
                              FLIER GUY
                    You want to pawn --
          
                                CARL
                    No.
          
          Carl walks into Dunkin Donuts.
          
          
          INT. DUNKIN DONUTS
          
          The Dunkin Donuts Cashier hands Carl his coffee.
          
                              DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER
                    Would you like an --
          
                                CARL
                    No.
          
          Carl hands the Cashier the money.
          
                                                                    122.
          
          
          
          
          INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
          
          Carl sits in his office.   Lucy walks in.
          
                              CARL
                    Hey, Luce. What're you doing all
                    the way over here?
          
                              LUCY
                    It's been hard to reach you.
          
                              CARL
                    I've been a little swamped.
          
                              LUCY
                    Everything OK?
          
                               CARL
                    Yeah.   Things are great.
          
                              LUCY
                    I was wondering when you want to
                    meet with the florist.
          
                              CARL
                    Sorry, but I'm too busy these days.
                    Don't have time to help with the
                    party anymore. Good luck.
          
                              LUCY
                    You're just stopping, just like
                    that?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm not the one marrying you.
                    Maybe you should ask him for some
                    help.
          
                              LUCY
                    He is helping. Here I was thinking
                    we were actual friends.
          
          Lucy leaves, upset.   Carl doesn't move.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK CORPORATE OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          Carl, Chris and the other VPs sit around the conference
          table.
          
                                                                     123.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                        (with great importance)
                    What is the best way for us to
                    enter the teenage credit card
                    market?
          
                              VP
                    Give away a free iPod.
          
                               CHRIS PARKER
                    Yes.
          
                              ANOTHER VP
                    Include one with cans of Mountain
                    Dew Code Red.
          
                               CHRIS PARKER
                    Nice.   Anyone else? Carl?
          
                              CARL
                    Have you guys thought that
                    teenagers don't have the financial
                    knowhow to use a credit card?
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    That's why they're such a ripe
                    market. Any ideas on how to pick
                    that low hanging fruit?
          
                              CARL
                    Include a Mastercard with every
                    xBox.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    I like that. I like that a lot.
          
          Chris SLAPS FIVE with Carl.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    Now remember, tomorrow's our
                    official merger ceremony with KBI.
                    So wear your nice suits. I'm
                    talking to you, Feldman.
          
          All the VPs laugh.   Carl fake laughs along with them.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl gets home.   He hits play on his answering machine.
          
                                                                  124.
          
          
          
                              PETER (V.O.)
                        (over the answering
                         MACHINE)
                    Hey, Carl. Peter here. Long time
                    no see. Sorry to hear you won't be
                    planning our engagement party.
                    Although I guess that makes you
                    less gay than I thought you were.
                    We'll be watching the game at
                    Rudy's tonight, if you're
                    interested.
          
          Carl DELETES the message. He FLIPS ON Survivor and starts to
          absentmindedly sort through his mail. He throws away
          junkmail until he gets to a postcard that catches his eye.
          He reads the postcard.
          
                              JASON (V.O.)
                    Dear Carl. I know this is kind of
                    random, but I thought I should
                    write you. We met at that party at
                    Norman's apartment. I was the INS
                    guy who hated his life and hated
                    you. I just wanted to tell you
                    that I took your advice. I quit my
                    job and have founded a home in
                    Botswana for elderly orangutans.
                    I've never been happier. You told
                    me to say "yes" and it has turned
                    out to be incredible. Thank you.
                    Yours truly, Jason Newmark
          
          Carl TURNS OVER the post card.   On the cover of the card is a
          picture an orangutan.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S APARTMENT
          
          Carl's alarm goes off. He opens his eyes. He's PROPPED the
          post card up next to his alarm clock. The orangutan seems to
          be staring into his soul.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S NEW OFFICE
          
          Carl's writing a list of names. The post card lies on the
          desk nearby. His secretary pops her head in.
          
                              CARL'S SECRETARY
                    The executives are gathering in the
                    conference room to officially greet
                    the KBI Officials.
                              (MORE)
          
                                                                  125.
          
                              CARL'S SECRETARY (cont'd)
                        (re: the post card)
                    Cute gorilla.
          
                              CARL
                    It's an elderly orangutan actually.
                        (handing her the list)
                    Could you please call everyone on
                    this list and tell them to show up
                    at Rudy's Bar & Grille this evening
                    at 9PM?
          
                               CARL'S SECRETARY
                    Will do.
          
          Carl starts to head out and then turns around.
          
                               CARL
                    I just want to say, it was really
                    great having you as my first
                    secretary.
          
                              CARL'S SECRETARY
                    You're not firing me, are you?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't think I'm going to be
                    working here much longer.
          
          
          INT. SOUTHWEST BANK - CONFERENCE ROOM
          
          Carl walks into the crowded room.   Korean executives and
          Southwest Bank executives mingle.   Carl heads towards Chris.
          
                              CARL
                    I need to talk to you.
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    And I need to talk to you. You
                    mind doing a little ceremonial
                    translating?
          
                              CARL
                    I don't know if I'm good enough at
                    Korean --
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    Believe in yourself and the world
                    believes in you.
          
          SEUNG sees Carl and bows to him. Carl bows back. The Pretty
          Korean Banker sees Carl and coquettishly waves to him.
          Chris TAPS the microphone. The crowd sits down.
          
                                                                   126.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER (cont'd)
                    I'd like to welcome our new
                    partners into the Southwest family.
          
          Chris nods to Carl.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                         SUBTITLES)
                    [Welcome. You will be my partner.]
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                        (in Korean)
                    [Thank you.]
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    KBI is the at the forefront of the
                    financial world. With your help,
                    Southwest will be as well.
          
          Carl takes a beat.    Chris looks at him, expectantly.
          
                               CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                          SUBTITLES)
                    [He says that you are a son of a
                    dog and like to have the dirty
                    sex.]
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                        (in Korean)
                    [What?]
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    We look forward to working together
                    and extending our reach across the
                    globe.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean, with
                         SUBTITLES)
                    [He says in Korea you poop on the
                    ground and that here you cannot
                    poop on the ground.]
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                        (in Korean)
                    [That is factually inaccurate]
          
                               CARL
                        (in Korean)
                    [I know. But it's what the bigot
                    believes.]
          
                                                                  127.
          
          
          
                              CHRIS PARKER
                    So with this hand shake, I make
                    official the acquisition of
                    Southwest by Korean Bank
                    International.
          
          Chris holds out his hand.
          
                              CARL
                        (in Korean)
                    [Although you have poop on your
                    hand, I am willing to shake it so I
                    can steal all your money, you
                    stupid Korean.]
          
                                 SEUNG KIM
                    No.
          
                                 CHRIS PARKER
                    Excuse me?
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                        (perfect English with a
                         British accent)
                    We have a traitor in our midst.
                    This man just called me a son of a
                    dog and informed me that my hand is
                    covered in fecal matter. He is
                    clearly trying to sabotage the
                    merger.
          
                              CARL
                    You speak English?
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                    You think an international bank
                    financier wouldn't speak fluent
                    English? For whom do you work,
                    traitor? Shanghai Bank?
                    Chinatrust?
          
                              CARL
                    For myself.
          
                              SEUNG KIM
                    Fine. Keep it secret.
                    Unfortunately, I cannot approve a
                    merger with a company so
                    incompetent as to have a business
                    saboteur this high up. Good day.
          
          Seung Kim walks out, followed by all his employees.   Before
          Chris can say anything...
          
                                                                   128.
          
          
          
                                CARL
                    I quit.
          
          Carl leaves.
          
          
          INT. RUDY'S - NIGHT
          
          Peter, Lucy, Rooney, Norman, Tony, Loan Recipients, several
          Persian Woman -- all of Carl's friends along with everyone
          that he's met on his Yes journey have gathered at Rudy's.
          
                              PETER
                    Why does he want us here?
          
                              LUCY
                    I have no idea.
          
          Kath and Seb walk in.
          
                              KATH
                        (to Lucy)
                    You guys get the call as well?
          
          PAN OVER to Rooney standing alone.    Farinoush, the Persian
          woman, walks over to him.
          
                              IRANIAN WOMAN
                    I'm Farinoush.
          
                              ROONEY
                    I'm Rooney.
          
                              IRANIAN WOMAN
                    You're tall.
          
          Just then the lights go down.
          
          MUSIC CUE: Rocky Theme.
          
                              CARL
                        (over the loudspeakers)
                    Announcing the pending marriage of
                    Peter Carlton and Lucy Giuliano!
          
          Carl RIDES INTO THE BAR on a WHITE STALLION as WHITE BALLOONS
          FALL FROM THE RAFTERS. Carl JUMPS OFF the horse, and puts a
          CROWN on Peter's and a TIARA on Lucy's.
          
                              CARL (cont'd)
                    Congratulations on your engagement!
          
                                                                    129.
          
          
          
                                PETER
                    Wow.    There's a horse in here.
          
                              LUCY
                    Who are all these people?
          
                              CARL
                    I didn't have much time to throw
                    this together. I got a stallion,
                    didn't I?
          
                              LUCY
                    Thanks, Carl.
          
          MUSIC CUE: The Black-Eyed Peas "My Humps"
          
          Lucy KISSES Carl on the cheek.    Everyone starts dancing.
          
          
          EXT. RUDY'S
          
          Carl's standing outside. Peter comes outside.      He's drunk
          and is still wearing the crown.
          
                              PETER
                    What're you doing out here?
          
          Carl hands Peter a set of keys.
          
                              CARL
                    I entrust you to sell all my shit.
          
                              PETER
                    What're you talking about?
          
          A cab PULLS UP.   Peter realizes Carl's leaving.
          
                              PETER (cont'd)
                    Say hello to her when you see her.
                    Where is she by the way?
          
          
          EXT. WINDY STREET IN BANGKOK - DAY
          
          Carl's in a tuk tuk being driven at breakneck speed down the
          windy streets of Bangkok.
          
          MUSIC CUE: ABBA's "One Night in Bangkok"
          
                                                                  130.
          
          
          
          
          EXT. BANGKOK ROOF BAR - NIGHT
          
          Carl gets up to the roof. Renee's looking out over Bangkok.
          He taps her on the shoulder. She turns.
          
                              RENEE
                    What're you doing here?
          
                               CARL
                    Yes.
          
                              RENEE
                    I didn't ask you a question.
          
                              CARL
                    Well, if you do that's what my
                    answer will be.
          
                              RENEE
                    Are you here because you want to be
                    here?
          
                              CARL
                    I just flew twenty-two hours. What
                    do you think? Now can I please
                    kiss you?
          
          Renee nods.   They kiss.
          
          
          INT. CARL'S MICROLOAN OFFICE
          
          CHYRON: SOME TIME LATER
          
          Carl has set up a makeshift loan office.   He's sitting across
          from a YOUNG THAI MAN.
          
                              YOUNG THAI MAN
                        (in Thai, with subtitles)
                    [I need ten thousand bhat to get my
                    first tuk tuk. If I get a tuk tuk
                    I no longer have to mop the ping
                    pong show floor and clean the
                    snake.]
          
                              CARL
                        (in Thai, with subtitles)
                    [What snake?]
          
                              YOUNG THAI MAN
                        (in Thai, with subtitles)
                    [You don't want to know.]
          
                                                                 131.
          
          
          
          PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Norman sits at the table next to
          Carl working with an OLD THAI MAN.
          
                              NORMAN
                        (in Thai, with subtitles)
                    [You guys don't have Heroes? I
                    don't know you, but I think you
                    would love it.]
          
                              OLD THAI MAN
                        (in Thai, with subtitles)
                    [If I like it will you give me
                    money to fix my fishing boat?]
          
          
          EPILOGUE: EXT. NIGERIAN PALACE
          
          CHYRON: Makurdi, Nigeria
          
          Carl and Renee get out a dusty minivan. A dirty, rundown
          palace rises before them. Carl HEADS to the front door and
          hits the BUZZER. A guard with a MACHINE GUN opens up.
          
                              MACHINE GUN GUARD
                    What do you want?
          
                              CARL
                    I'm here to see Omar.   The former
                    King of Nigeria.
          
          OMAR, THE FORMER KING OF NIGERIA, a large, boisterous man,
          comes up from behind the guard.
          
                              OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
                    Is that Carl Kendall?
          
                              CARL
                    Omar! It's wonderful to meet you
                    in person
          
          Carl and Omar hug.
          
                              OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
                    And this must be Renee? What a
                    delight!
          
          Omar bends on one knee and kisses Renee on the hand.
          
                              RENEE
                    Thank you, your majesty.
          
                              OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
                    Please, call me Omar.
          
                                                                   132.
          
          
          
                              CARL
                    I'm sorry for calling you a
                    masturbatory Russian teenager.
          
                              OMAR, FORMER KING OF NIGERIA
                    Water under the bridge. What do
                    you say to having a feast?
          
          Carl, Omar, Renee and the guard go into Omar's palace. The
          door CLOSES BEHIND THEM.
          
                                                             THE END