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Youth In Revolt Movie Script

Writer(s) : Gustin Nash

Genres : Comedy, Drama, Romance

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                                YOUTH IN REVOLT

          
                                  Written by

          
                                  Gustin Nash
          

          
                                                       July 13, 2007
          

          
          OVER BLACK comes the sound of deep HEAVING BREATHS. Moist
          FLESH FLAPPING accompaniment. Someone is beating off.
          A pause as the someone turns the page of a magazine.
          The beating off resumes at a quickened pace. The SQUEAKING of
          bed springs joins in.
          Another page is turned. Feverish THUMPING until a MALE VOICE
          lets out a quiet MOAN.
          The breathing gradually slows to normal and lets out a
          relieved sigh of finality.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    My name... is Nick.

          NICK TWISP, 16, stares up at the ceiling. He's glassy eyed
          from the exertion...

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - DAY

          ...sprawled on the bed, trousers around his ankles, a well
          thumbed issue of Penthouse covers his privates.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    My last name, which I loath, is
                    Twisp.

          Nick pulls up his trousers and leaps off the bed. He pulls
          the drawer under his mattress out.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    The next thing you should know
                    about me is that I am obsessed with
                    sex.

          A view of the drawer reveals it to be filled with neatly
          filed issues of Penthouse and Hustler. He puts the most
          recently utilized magazine in its place.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Lately, I have become morbidly
                    aware of my penis.

          Nick posing in front of the mirror, pants around his ankles
          again. He looks at himself from various angles.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Once a remote region accessed
                    indifferently for micturition, it
                    has developed overnight into a
                    gaudy Las Vegas of the body.

          We PAN DOWN, and where Nick's crotch is supposed to be, there
          is a hole in the screen leading us to...

          

                                                                     2.

          

          LAS VEGAS OF THE BODY
          The pulsing neon sign outside the club reads: NICK'S PENIS.
          We fly inside where we find a star-studded floor show.
          Drunken CONVENTIONEERS make out with STRIPPERS. A LEOPARD
          leaps through a burning HOOP on stage.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          Nick typing on an obsolete PC.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I am entering the tenth grade at
                    St. Vitus Academy, which, I am
                    told, is the most rigorous prep
                    school in the East Bay. Hopefully I
                    will be invited to join Miss
                    Satron's English Literature class.

          A view of the books and CDs on his shelf.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I am a voracious reader and listen
                    to Frank Sinatra. So needless to
                    say, I am still a virgin.

          Follow the curser on the monitor as he types the words -

          STILL A VIRGIN.
          He pauses in thought, then continues.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I have yet to hold hands with a
                    girl, let alone have my winkie up
                    her wendell.

          INT. AIRPLANE (35,000 FT) - DAY

          WE MOVE down an airplane aisle, past PASSENGERS sleeping and
          chatting.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I am an only child except for my
                    big sister Joanie, who has left the
                    bosom of her family to sling hash
                    at 35,000 feet.

          We reach the end of the aisle, where a buxom twenty-
          something, JOANIE TWISP serves a beverage.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - DAY

          Liver frying in a pan. ESTELLE TWISP, 43, cooks and puffs on
          a cigarette at the same time.

          

                                                                      3.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Mom gives driver's tests at the
                    Department of Motor Vehicles.
          Nick sits at the kitchen table reading the paper. He watches
          with nausea as Estelle piles liver onto his plate.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    She used to keep Dad up to date on
                    all the motor statutes he was
                    violating. This is one of the
                    reasons they got divorced.
          JERRY, early 40's, saunters in wearing a TRUCKERS DO IT IN
          OVERDRIVE shirt and boxers. His gut hangs over the elastic,
          but he is completely devoid of an ass.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Mom's boyfriend, Jerry is a long
                    distance trucker, though his
                    ultimate ambition is to be on state
                    disability.
          Jerry absently smacks Estelle's butt. Waddles over to the
          breakfast table. He snatches the Funnies from the paper in
          Nick's hands.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I've been struggling to think of a
                    commendable thing to say about
                    Jerry.
          Jerry gives an asinine chuckle at the cartoon. Nick glares.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    No luck. His grey matter registers
                    at cretin and the needle doesn't
                    budge.

          EXT. GEORGE TWISP'S HOME - DAY

          GEORGE TWISP, 41, scruffy and greying, waters the foliage
          outside the house with a high powered hose.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Dad is a copywriter for
                    agricultural magazines.
          In the drive, Nick slaves over the duty of washing the rims
          of his dad's BMW 325i.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    He'd like to own a more prestigious
                    model of BMW, but, as he often
                    reminds me, he is burdened with
                    crippling child support payments.

          

                                                                     4.

          
          Nick glances up and spots LACEY, 20, coming up the drive
          toward him in a weensy bikini. Her body has more outcroppings
          than the coastline of Albania.
          She continues past him and embraces George.

                                 NICK (V.O.)
                       Lacey is Dad's latest bimbette. She
                       is twenty and a recently minted
                       alumna of Stanfort.
          Super:          (Stanfort Institute of Cosmetology)
          George and Lacey exchange saliva shamelessly. Nick turns his
          attention back to the Beamer.
          As the making out becomes heated groping, George's grip on
          the hose slackens.
          Nick gets blindsided by the jet of water.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - DAY

          We're back with Nick as he types on his computer. He looks
          down at the tent in his boxers.

                                                      CUT TO:
          He pulls open the drawer again - the pornography collection.

          NICK'S POV
          of the room shaking, accompanied by his heavy breathing. His
          eyes float from the Hustler to the pink walls of his room.

                                 NICK (V.O.)
                       My mother is the one who painted my
                       room to look like Dolly Parton's
                       boudoir. She read this color was
                       used in hospitals to calm mental
                       patients.
          Nick closes his eyes, his right arm moving rhythmically.

                                 NICK (V.O.)
                       I'll tell you what I told her. I am
                       not mentally ill.
          BLACKNESS. The masturbation reaches its feverous climax. Then
          the long moan and sigh of relief.

                                 NICK (V.O.)
                       I'm just a teenager.
          And as Frank Sinatra's UNTIL THE REAL THING COMES ALONG
          begins, we go to OPENING CREDITS.

          

                                                                   5.

          

          

          

                             YOUTH IN REVOLT

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - DAY

          Nick regards Jerry from across the dining room table. There
          is the off-screen sound of a cretin slurping Cheerios.
          Reveal Jerry reading Sports Illustrated, scratching his balls
          with one hand and shoveling in cereal with the other. Estelle
          is washing dishes when she spies something out the window.

                              ESTELLE
                    Jerry? Where did that car come
                    from?
          Jerry looks over his shoulder and they all take a moment to
          appreciate the slab-sided Lincoln in the drive.

                              JERRY
                    It's a '62 Lincoln convertible.
                    Like the one Kennedy was shot in.

                              NICK
                    Except his was black and yours is
                    white. And dirty.

                              JERRY
                    See that. I was going to take you
                    and your mom for a spin after
                    breakfast. But now I guess it'll
                    just be her and me. You have your
                    smart mouth to thank for that.

                              NICK
                    Damn it. I guess I'll just have to
                    hang out all alone at the book
                    depository.

                                JERRY
                    The what?

                              ESTELLE
                    Jerry, I don't understand. What
                    happened to the Chevy-Nova?

                              JERRY
                    Sold it to a sailor on the Alameda
                    Naval Air Base. A man should never
                    own a car for more than three
                    months, Estelle. That way he always
                    gets the thrill of owning a new
                    automobile!
          Jerry smiles with cretin pride. Nick looks to his mother and
          disturbingly enough, she seems turned on by his car-owner
          savvy.

          

                                                                     6.

          

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          Nick stands in the doorway watching as his mother waits for
          Jerry to open the passenger door for her.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    After spending twelve years with
                    Dad, Mom has had a string of
                    lovers, none of whom she has asked
                    me to approve.
          Jerry fails to notice Estelle waiting and instead just climbs
          in and chugs his beer. Estelle appears mildly disappointed
          before opening the door herself.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I'm starting to think her
                    boyfriends are like U.S.
                    Presidents.
          As Jerry pulls out, he tosses his beer bottle in the
          direction of the trash can at the end of the drive.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Just when you think they can't get
                    any worse...
          He misses and the bottle shatters on the pavement, but Jerry
          drives off anyway.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...she manages to find God's
                    Perfect Asshole.

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY


          ON A TV SCREEN
          Nick cycles through TiVo and finds the late night SEX
          DOCUMENTARY he recorded.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

          From the living room comes the sound of an orgy and the
          jingle jangle of a belt buckle.
          Then the DING-DONG of the front doorbell.
          The jingle jangle pauses and when the doorbell rings a second
          time, the orgy gets muted.
          Nick enters the kitchen pulling up his trousers.

          I/E. ESTELLE'S HOME - MOMENTS LATER
          The door is opened to reveal two burly, tattooed SAILORS
          standing on the stoop.

          

                                                                      7.

          
          Their eyes drift to Nick's mid-section.
          Nick follows their eyes to the belt buckle he neglected to
          fasten out of haste. He returns his gaze to the sailors as he
          wrangles the belt.

                              SAILOR #1
                    Is Jerry here?

                              NICK
                    He just left. What's up?

                              SAILOR #1
                    What's up is that hunk of shit
                    Chevy he sold us made it seventeen
                    miles before the engine blew up.

                              SAILOR #2
                    And we found evidence of a banana
                    in the transmission.
          The second sailor holds aloft the banana peel sealed in a
          plastic bag. Nick glances to drive and regards the smoking
          Chevy-Nova with its camouflage paint job.
          A THIRD SAILOR is rummaging through the boxes in the open
          garage. He finds some spray-paint and shakes the can.
          Nick turns back to the sailors on the stoop.

                              SAILOR #1
                    So he owes us nine hundred dollars.

                              NICK
                    Well, I think he used that nine
                    hundred dollars to buy his Lincoln.
                    He's giving my mom a joyride in it
                    now. But he'll be back this
                    afternoon, so I would come back
                    then. He's pretty stubborn. You
                    might have to beat it out of him.

                              SAILOR #1
                    That can be arranged. In the
                    meantime we're leaving the piece of
                    shit in the driveway. With a note.
          Nick looks one more time to the Chevy as the third sailor
          finishes painting the hood with the words: PAY UP OR DIE.

                               NICK
                    I like it. Very to the point.
                    Well... See you guys this
                    afternoon!
          The sailors nod, somewhat perplexed by this kid's demeanor.
          As they turn to go and Nick closes the door...

          

                                                                   8.

          

          

          

          

                              LEFTY (V.O.)
                    I might have to kill myself.

          EXT. HILLS ABOVE UC CAMPUS - DAY

          In the clearing, a UC JOCK stands behind his ASIAN
          GIRLFRIEND, kissing her neck and removing her clothes.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I hope you have a good reason.
          Reveal Nick and his friend LEFTY, 16, belly down in the grass
          overlooking the clearing. Lefty watches the copulating couple
          with a pair of binoculars.

                              LEFTY
                    My sister said she saw Millie
                    Filbert holding hands with some
                    college guy.

                              NICK
                    I dunno, Lefty. I think your sister
                    is just waging psychological
                    warfare.

                              LEFTY
                    Well it's working. What am I gonna
                    do, Nick? I'm obsessed. I think
                    about Millie so much my balls ache.

                              NICK
                    Maybe your just not wacking off
                    enough.
          As if in response, Lefty passes the binoculars off to Nick
          and then turns over onto his back and unzips his pants.
          As Lefty jerks it, Nick looks with nonchalance...

          THROUGH THE BINOCULARS
          The couple hump in the grass, her legs in the air.

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    So, I've been taping my pecker to
                    my right leg at night.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    In case you haven't heard, Lefty's
                    erect member takes a dramatic turn
                    midway up the shaft.

          

                                                                   9.

          

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    Then I look at this issue of Better
                    Homes and Gardens that has a girl
                    that looks just like Millie until
                    it gets good and hard. I think it's
                    starting to straighten out.

                              NICK
                    Why don't you just have your
                    parents take you to the dick
                    doctor?

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    Are you kidding? It would kill them
                    to know that I even get hard-ons.

                              NICK
                    Still, you might want to get it
                    fixed before asking Millie out.

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    True. What if I shove it up the
                    wrong hole?
          Nick gives a dubious glance in Lefty's direction.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Lefty's grasp of the female anatomy
                    is somewhat tenuous; he imagines
                    there are orifices galore down
                    there.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - DAY


                              JERRY
                    Nick, you little shit, get down
                    here!
          Jerry hollers from the kitchen where Estelle gapes out the
          window. Nick calmly joins them from upstairs.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, do you know anything about
                    this?
          She points out the window and they all take in the Chevy and
          the sailors' oh-so-subtle note on the hood.

                              NICK
                    Oh, yeah. Those sailors came by.
                    They want their money back. I guess
                    there was a banana in the
                    transmission.

                              JERRY
                    You tell them when I was coming
                    back?

          

                                                                  10.

          

                              NICK
                    Now why would I do that?
          Jerry seeths inwardly at Nick's mock innocence.

                              ESTELLE
                    What are you going to do, Jerry?

                              JERRY
                    I think I'll go get the Lincoln
                    washed.

                              ESTELLE
                    You're leaving? What happens when
                    the sailor comes back for his nine-
                    hundred dollars?

                              JERRY
                    Just tell him he bought the car
                    with my standard guarantee. Thirty
                    days or thirty feet. Whichever
                    comes first. I'm in the right.
          And on cue comes the ring of the doorbell and the
          simultaneous pounding of angry Navy fists on the back door.
          They peer out the window and find the fleet on the front
          steps.

                              NICK
                    Oh, look. The sailors are here.
          Jerry first starts to dart one way and then another,
          searching for a hiding space as he hisses.

                              JERRY
                    Get rid of them!
          And then the front door gets kicked open and a mob of sailors
          pour in. Jerry flees. A HANDHELD CAM chase as he heads for
          the back and is cut off by the sailors coming in.
          Jerry bolts up the stairs.

                              NICK
                    Jerry, where are you going? Just
                    tell them you are in the right.

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - CONTINUOUS

          They manage to grab Jerry by the legs and haul him down the
          stairs. Jerry loses his grasp step by step, crying with a
          sound not unlike E.T. when the flashlight hit him in the
          cornfield.
          The two big guys with bad haircuts hold Jerry off the ground
          while the earnstwhile Chevy owner goes through his pockets.

          

                                                                     11.

          

                              SAILOR #1
                    Sixty-three lousy dollars.

                              JERRY
                    That's my life savings!
          One of the sailors pokes Jerry in the gut hard and he
          whimpers.

                              ESTELLE
                    Don't hurt him! Nick, call 911!

                              SAILOR #1
                    Touch that phone, kid, and you lose
                    your left nut.
          Nick raises his hands. "You don't have to tell me twice."

                              JERRY
                    Please. Please don't hurt me. It's
                    all I got, guys. I swear. Take the
                    Lincoln!

                              SAILOR #1
                    I don't want the Lincoln. I want my
                    nine-hundred dollars. I'm taking
                    the sixty-three, which means you
                    owe me another eight hundred and
                    thirty.

                              NICK
                    Eight hundred and thirty seven,
                    actually.

                              SAILOR #1
                    Exactly. Have it by tomorrow or
                    you'll be found in the trunk of
                    your new used piece of shit at the
                    bottom of the Bay.
          And with that they release him and Jerry crumples to the
          floor like an abandoned marionette.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

          The three of them watch the fleet pile into a Navy van that
          reads FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY. The moment they pull out, Jerry
          dusts himself off and puts on a pretense of being unfazed.

                              JERRY
                    Wow, those guys are even dumber
                    than I thought. They actually think
                    I'm stupid enough to let them
                    muscle me into paying.

          

                                                                  12.

          

                              ESTELLE
                    Jerry, what are you talking about?
                    We need to call the police!

                              JERRY
                    I'm not some tattle-tale like your
                    son.
          Nick rolls his eyes.

                              ESTELLE
                    Then for God's sake, Jerry, just
                    sell the Lincoln and pay them!

                              JERRY
                    Can't. It's in The Code.

                              ESTELLE
                    What code? The vehicular code?

                              JERRY
                    Code of the streets, Babe. Code of
                    the streets.

                              ESTELLE
                    Then what are you planning to do?
          Jerry takes a seat at the kitchen table and adopts The
          Thinker pose. He strokes his chin as Nick and Estelle await
          his brilliant solution with breathless anticipation.

          I/E. LINCOLN - DAY

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    We are going to Ukiah for a last
                    minute vacation.
          Jerry's got on a hat made from Coors beer cans. He's behind
          the wheel of his Lincoln convertible.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Jerry says we'll be staying in a
                    cabin on Clear Lake that's owned by
                    a friend of his.
          Estelle dumps in the cooking gear and closes the trunk. Her
          halter top looks like an advertisement for Droop City. Nick's
          in the back. Estelle waves at the neighbors like she's Miss
          Corn Dog of 1954.

                              ESTELLE
                    Goodbye, everyone! We're going on
                    vacation!

                              JERRY
                    Let's blow!

          

                                                                  13.

          
          She hops up front with Jerry. He fires up the Lincoln and the
          radio roars to life with HILLBILLY MUSIC.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I'm not sure how this is the
                    solution to his problem. But I've
                    decided to go along with it, seeing
                    as I'm not rooting for him anyway.
          As they pull out, Jerry tosses his beer bottle at the garbage
          can at the end of the drive and it once again misses and
          shatters on the street behind them.

          EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

          The Lincoln makes it's way upstate, and dips into the mist
          covered hills of Ukiah.

          EXT. RESTLESS AXLES TRAILER PARK - DAY

          They've pulled to a stop. Estelle stares in horror.

                              ESTELLE
                    Jerry...? You said it was a cabin.
          In the back, Nick removes his sunglasses to regard the long,
          green, turd of a trailer. Some concrete dwarves in the grass.
          A dusty canvas awning over a small cement patio. A decrepit
          picket fence with a sign that reads: MY GREEN HAVEN.
          Estelle looks as if she's about to cry. Jerry puts his arm
          around her.

                              JERRY
                    C'mon Estelle. It's real cute on
                    the inside.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          Substitute cluttered for cute. The three of them are crammed
          around a dining surface as accommodating as an airplane tray
          table. 3-D religious art hangs on the wall above them.

                              JERRY
                    I say the kid does the dishes and
                    we retire to the master bedroom.
          Jerry pushes out and disappears into the back. Nick watches
          him with loathing. Estelle smiles apologetically.

                              NICK
                    Mom? Do you really like Jerry?
          Her smile fades.

          

                                                                   14.

          

                                ESTELLE
                    Nick, how   many men do you think
                    there are   who'd be interested in a
                    forty-one   year old woman with two
                    brats, no   money, and stretch marks?
          And with that she excuses herself, leaving Nick to ponder.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Mom is a realist about everything.
                    Except her age. She's forty-three.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - LATER

          Nick washes dishes in the toilet-like sink. The trailer
          shakes from the two adults flogging the mattress in the back.

          EXT. RESTLESS AXLES TRAILER PARK - DAY

          An old crone, MRS. SAUNDERS, makes her way up the walk. She
          gets to the door of My Green Haven and bangs on the screen.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick sleeps on a pull out cot. He bolts upright at the
          banging, his hair going in all directions.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS (O.S.)
                    It's your neighbor, Mrs. Saunders.
                    Church services begin at seven
                    fifteen prompt. Donuts will be
                    served.
          Nick glances down at the morning wood elevating his boxers.
          Mrs. Saunders narrows her eyes at Nick through the screen
          door and takes off.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick steps out of the trailer in a bathrobe, toiletries in
          one hand, towel in the other. He heads off down the wooded
          path.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          The serene melodies of rousing HYMNS float from the well-
          attended congregation in the meeting hall.
          WE TRACK across the trees as Nick makes his way down the
          path. He slows to observe the sun coming through the canopy
          overhead. He glances off the path and comes to a sudden stop.
          A grape arbor flanked by Corinthian columns set against the
          blue of Clear Lake. A chestnut haired SHEENI SAUNDERS stands
          facing the water, her head tilted down to read the book in
          her hands. The wind coming off the lake blows her dress just
          enough to give a hint of the shapely thighs underneath.

          

                                                                     15.

          
          Light falls in shafts through the latticework of the arbor
          like something out of a Fran�ois Boucher painting.

                                 NICK (V.O.)
                       The moment I see her I know the
                       Gods, while having cruelly endowed
                       me with imperfect posture and pussy
                       postponing pimples, had put me here
                       for a purpose. My heart palpitates.
                       My mind races. I get an instant

                       T.E.
          Super:                (Thundering Erection)
          Sheeni glances up from her book and looks over her shoulder
          at him. Nick just stares. She gives an amused smile, almost
          flirtatious. Nick grins back.

                                 SHEENI
                       Your robe is open.
          Nick looks down. He pulls the robe closed, scowls, and goes
          into a flustered march down the path.

          INT. PUBLIC REST ROOM - DAY

          An austere   cement shed with three dripping shower heads and
          no privacy   walls. Nick lathers up under the spray. Jerry
          appears in   the foreground and removes his robe. He goes to
          the shower   head next to Nick and turns it on.
          Nick reacts to Jerry and hastily tries to resume rinsing
          himself off. Jerry gurgles water and spits. He starts
          warbling rock lyrics.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick comes up the path and stops short at the picket fence.
          Estelle and Sheeni squat on the patio steps.

                                 SHEENI
                       Hel-lo, Excitable Boy.

                                 ESTELLE
                       Nick, honey, meet Sheeni Saunders.

                                  NICK
                       Hello.

                                 ESTELLE
                       Sheeni needs to go to the grocery
                       store. I've offered her your help
                       in carrying her bags.
          Nick regards Sheeni and her mischievous smirk.

          

                                                                  16.

          

                              NICK
                    Thanks a pantsful.

          EXT. RESTLESS AXLES TRAILER PARK - DAY

          A dusty road. Nick totes a watermelon and a paper bag. He
          watches as Sheeni works on a Popsicle. Full lips that cry out
          to be kissed.

                              NICK
                    You don't have to go to services?

                              SHEENI
                    No. Much to the consternation of my
                    fanatical parents I have converted
                    to atheism. Fortunately my brother,
                    Paul, paved the way for such
                    transgressions.

                              NICK
                    Paul is an atheist too?

                              SHEENI
                    Buddhist, I believe, though we have
                    not seen him in some time. I myself
                    am looking forward to being free of
                    parental bondage.

                                NICK
                    Likewise.

                              SHEENI
                    Well, your mother seems very nice,
                    though your father I think might be
                    rather dim.

                              NICK
                    Jerry and I share no blood links of
                    any kind.
          As they pass the meeting hall there comes a surge of HYMNS in
          chorus.

                              NICK
                    Sounds rather zealous.

                              SHEENI
                    Yes, even though I am no longer a
                    believer I always found the
                    services wonderfully aerobic.

                              NICK
                    You could say the same thing about
                    sex.
          Sheeni stops. She looks at Nick intently.

          

                                                                    17.

          

                              SHEENI
                    Nick, are you going to turn out
                    like all the other young men and
                    have nothing on your mind except
                    carnal pleasures?

                              NICK
                    I hardly ever think about sex.

                              SHEENI
                    Really? I think about it all the
                    time. It's the hormones at work,
                    you know.
          She resumes walking. Nick follows her with confusion.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          They regard the two story Pacemaker mobile home.

                              NICK
                    Wow. A second floor.

                              SHEENI
                    Yes. Father bought it so that he
                    could look down upon the world. For
                    him, Christian humility has always
                    been a struggle.
          Sheeni relieves him of the watermelon.

                              SHEENI
                    Well, it was nice to meet you,
                    Nick.
          She trudges down the slate path to the home.

                              NICK
                    Sheeni? Do you want to come to the
                    beach with me?
          She turns around. Gives a little smirk.

                              SHEENI
                    What a thoughtful invitation. I'd
                    love to, Nick. Wait for me in the
                    living room.

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          A lot more space than My Green Haven. Dark paneling and
          somewhat more tasteful religious art.

                              SHEENI
                    Back in a moment.

          

                                                                  18.

          
          Nick watches her bound up the stairs.
          He wanders into the musty living area. Moves down the mantel
          examining the trinkets. Stops to regard the reproduction of
          Massaccio's Expulsion of Adam and Eve from Eden on the wall.
          He scrutinizes the image, his eyes falling to the privates of
          Adam and Eve.

                              MR. SAUNDERS (O.S.)
                    I understand you have invited my
                    daughter to the beach.
          Nick spins around to see MR. SAUNDERS reclining in his
          armchair. He is an immense, florid-faced, verdant eye-browed
          ogre in a rumpled blue suit.

                              NICK
                    Er, yes, Mr. Saunders.

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    Aha! Then I trust, sir, you are
                    aware that in doing so you have
                    entered into an oral contract to
                    perform in loco parentis, i.e. to
                    provide for the safety and well-
                    being of aforementioned minor
                    female.

                              SHEENI (O.S.)
                    Oh, Father, do shut up.
          Sheeni descends the stairs. Jean cut-offs over a knockout
          yellow swimsuit that shows off her flowing nubility.
          Mr. Saunders grumbles. Sheeni grabs up a straw beach bag and
          pushes Nick out the door.

                              SHEENI
                    Let's go, Nick. Bye, Father.

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    Vaya con Dios!

          EXT. BEACH - DAY

          Sheeni and Nick lay on their backs on the blue beach blanket,
          reading their respective books. Nick watches her turning
          pages and making notes in the margins. She hands him her
          tanning lotion.

                              SHEENI
                    Would you mind applying this to my
                    exposed areas?

                              NICK
                    Not at all.

          

                                                                  19.

          
          She rolls over onto her stomach, exposing her exquisite back.
          Nick straddles her, hands shaking as he smooths sweet oils
          into her tanned flesh.
          Flashing super:          Thundering Erection

                              SHEENI
                    My, you get turned on easily.
          Nick's hands freeze.

                              SHEENI
                    Oh, don't stop, Nick. We all have
                    our hormones to deal with. Girls
                    are fortunate in that it doesn't
                    show. For all the world knows, my
                    vagina could be moist with desire
                    as we speak.

                                 NICK
                    Is it?

                              SHEENI
                    That's none of your business, I'm
                    sure. Shall you do my front too?

                              NICK
                    I'm up for it.
          She rolls over onto her back, her young breasts straining up
          against the yellow spandex.

                              SHEENI
                    I hope you don't find it too
                    stimulating, Nick.

                              NICK
                    I'm coping.
          He starts in on her flawless legs, gliding on the oil all the
          way within a finger's reach of her sweet apex.
          With each daring pass, he comes closer to that final split.
          Finally the hand swerves too late, and lightly grazes the
          softly yielding vee.

                              SHEENI
                    Uh, Nick. Maybe you better do the
                    top now.
          Nick moves up, lubricating her arms, shoulders and neck. He
          smooths the oil on the soft undulating foothills.

                              SHEENI
                    Thanks, Nick.

          

                                                                  20.

          
          She rolls back onto her stomach with finality and goes back
          to her book. Nick hovers above her a moment, then painfully
          returns to his own reading.

          EXT. RESTLESS AXLES TRAILER PARK - DAY

          They make their way down the path. Nick totes the beach bag.

                              SHEENI
                    Breathless is one of my favorite
                    films, though it might be eclipsed
                    by Rebel Without a Cause. I often
                    wonder what American cinema would
                    be like today had Dean done more
                    than three.
          Nick nods, and for a beat they trek on in silence. He glances
          down at her hand and fumbles for it with his own.

                              SHEENI
                    Oh, Nick. You seem very nice. But
                    in fairness, I should tell you that
                    I have a boyfriend.
          Nick becomes sickeningly pale.

                              NICK
                    What's his name?

                              SHEENI
                    Trent Preston.

                              NICK
                    What's he like?

                              SHEENI
                    Seventeen years of age, six-two,
                    fluent in French, plays the piano,
                    a champion swimmer, and writes
                    Futurist Percussive poetry.
          They stop at the gate to the Saunders' home.

                              NICK
                    I'm not familiar with Futurist
                    Percussive poems.

                              SHEENI
                    I could recite one of Trent's if
                    you'd like.

                                 NICK
                    Please do.
          She takes a dramatic pause.

          

                                                                   21.

          

                              SHEENI
                    RamDam 12/ Sizzle mop/ Crunch down/
                    Safety net/ Hot! Hot! Hot!/ Void.
          She gives a slightly amused smile at Nick's blank expression.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    If that's poetry, I'm a turkey
                    scrotum.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          TIME LAPSE of Nick thrashing about in bed. During this
          montage there is the constant ticking of a clock.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Here is an hour by hour account of
                    the worst night of my life.
          Nick flipping through a Penthouse under the covers.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    1 AM. I decide it is just a case of
                    puppy love and look forward to the
                    interesting women I shall meet in
                    the future.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          A light comes on in the window.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick at the dining table, writing a note.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    2 AM. I conclude the only way out
                    is suicide. I begin to pen a
                    poignant suicide note. Sheeni will
                    see Trent for the shallow pedant he
                    is and always treasure my memory.

                              JERRY (O.S.)
                    Turn off the damn light!

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          Nick paces about back and forth in the yard.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    3 AM. I decide I am too chicken for
                    any of the manly, violent means of
                    suicide. I shall swallow sleeping
                    pills. Where to get them, though?

          

                                                                  22.

          

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          Nick is in bed jerking off. The trailer shakes despite his
          best efforts.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    4 AM. I can not die an inviolate
                    virgin. Either I find a way to get
                    laid soon or suicide gets postponed
                    until after high school.

                              JERRY (O.S.)
                    You wanna beat your meat, go
                    outside!

          INT. PUBLIC REST ROOM - DAY

          Nick in the shower going to town on his T.E.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    5 AM. It will be too painful to see
                    Sheeni again. I shall ask Mom if we
                    can cut our vacation short and
                    return to Oakland.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick rolls over on the cot and looks up with the gaze of a
          manic insomniac.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    6 AM. Violent panic! I have to see
                    Sheeni again!

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          The door opens to reveal Nick standing outside in shorts, an
          I'M SINGLE, LET'S MINGLE shirt, and tennis shoes. Sheeni
          stands in the door. Sleep-fogged eyes.

                              NICK
                    Good morning!

                              SHEENI
                    Nick? God what time is it?

                              NICK
                    Seven o'clock. How about breakfast?

                              SHEENI
                        (smiling with endearment)
                    Come back in two hours. I'm going
                    on a hike. You can join me if you'd
                    like.
          She closes the door.

          

                                                                     23.

          
          Super:     One hour fifty seven minutes later
          A knock on the door. Sheeni opens it to reveal... Nick,
          dressed the same. Sheeni wears Khakis, red bandanna
          neckerchief, and an Australian bush hat. She looks like the
          world's most desirable Girl Scout. She examines Nick's
          attire.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick, where are your hiking boots,
                    water bottle, provisions, survey
                    maps and compass?

                              NICK
                    Like John Muir I enter the
                    wilderness with nothing more than
                    my journal and a childlike sense of
                    wonder.

                              SHEENI
                    Okay, but I have no plans to baby
                    any slackers.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          Sheeni leads the way up hill. Nick clutches his cramped
          stomach with one hand, his journal in the other.
          He watches the rhythmic movements of her ass through her
          hiking shorts.

          EXT. BLUFF OVER CLEAR LAKE - DAY

          Nick and Sheeni peer over the edge of the cliff. The waters
          of Clear Lake churn below.

                              NICK
                    Quite a drop.

                              SHEENI
                    Yes. Not to be morbid, but this
                    sight has been the chosen means of
                    at least three teen suicides.

                              NICK
                    Huh. Quite a hike just to end your
                    life.

                              SHEENI
                    Well, there is a road. But I agree.
                    Adolescents have a tendency toward
                    the over-dramatic.
          Sheeni backs away. Nick stays, staring over the edge.

          

                                                                    24.

          

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          Nick's eyes roll back as he relieves himself against a tree.
          He shakes off the last of it and zips up.

          EXT. BLUFF OVER CLEAR LAKE - LATER

          He emerges from the woods only to find Sheeni reading his
          journal. She looks up at his and smiles. The brazen sneak
          isn't even embarrassed.

                              NICK
                    That's my journal!

                              SHEENI
                    Don't get so upset Nick. Though
                    your handwriting is egregious, you
                    have a fairly decent vocabulary.
                    Although, Trent is not an "affected
                    twit."
          Nick snatches the journal out of her hands.

                              NICK
                    Those are my private thoughts and
                    are none of your business!

                              SHEENI
                    Nick?

                              NICK
                    What?

                              SHEENI
                    The lengths you say you are willing
                    to go to to win my heart, the
                    contemplation of suicide at the
                    thought of not having me...
                        (taking a sensual breath)
                    It all evokes a strong emotional
                    warmth in my breast.
          Nick can only stare at her sprawled out on her back as if
          posing for a centerfold.

                              SHEENI
                    Did you mean it, Nickie?
          A beat as he is lost in the ocean of her gaze before he
          manages to gain his senses.

                              NICK
                    How would you like it if I read
                    your journal?

                              SHEENI
                    You can read it if you'd like.

          

                                                                     25.

          
          She hands it over. Nick squints at the writing.

                              NICK
                    It's in French.

                              SHEENI
                    A necessity for a child in a
                    household with prying Christian
                    parents.

                              NICK
                    What does it say?

                              SHEENI
                    Wouldn't you like to know. That
                    last passage would be of particular
                    interest to you.
          Nick leaps on top of her, grabbing her thin wrists. She
          squeals and giggles.

                              NICK
                    Spill it! I demand full disclosure!

                              SHEENI
                    Never!
          They wrestle, perspiring, squirming bodies brushing together.
          Flashing super:        Thundering Erection
          They pause. He's got her arms pinned. She's on her back. He
          hovers above her.

                              SHEENI
                        (softly chanting)
                    Nickie's got a hard-on.
          Nick considers her expression.

                              SHEENI
                    You're still a virgin, I can tell.
                    Maybe that's why I like you.
          A beat. She looks at him expectantly. Nick is at a loss.

                              SHEENI
                    Kiss me, you wienie.
          Nick tentatively approaches her luscious mouth. Their noses
          dodge successfully and their lips meet.
          After a long moment, they break it off. Staring into each
          other's eyes. Sheeni jumps up.

          

                                                                     26.

          

                              SHEENI
                    Okay, lover. Break's over. Let's
                    go!
          Nick lays in the grass a moment, watching after her.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          Nick walks Sheeni to the gate. She turns around to face him.

                              NICK
                    When can I see you again?

                              SHEENI
                    Get up early tomorrow and you can
                    shower with me in the ladies room.
                    Five minutes to six. If you dare.
          Nick grins with excitement.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT

          Nick dines at the tray table with Jerry and Estelle.

                              ESTELLE
                    So what's this Sheeni girl like?

                              NICK
                    She's the Encyclopedia Britannica.

                              JERRY
                    She's got a nice rack.

                              ESTELLE
                    Jerry!
          Jerry chuckles. Nick stares at him, perhaps resolving to
          murder the trucker in his sleep.

          INT. MY GREEN HAVEN - LATER

          Nick lies below us on the cot, unable to sleep with the
          anticipation of the imminent loss of his virginity.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - NIGHT/DAY

          Another perfect California summer dawn, a pale moon lingering
          in the blue morning sky. Nick emerges from My Green Haven in
          his robe. He starts off down the path.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          The trailer park is relatively silent save for birds and the
          distant sound of dogs barking.

          

                                                                     27.

          

          EXT. PUBLIC REST ROOM - DAY

          Nick approaches the shower building. As he nears, the sound
          of water running can be heard from the ladies' side.

          INT. PUBLIC REST ROOM (WOMEN'S SIDE) - DAY

          The women's side has real stalls and privacy doors. Nick
          spots the chamber at the end where Sheeni's naked form
          showers, obscured by tacky stained glass.
          He kicks off his slippers. Hangs his robe on a hook.
          He approaches the stall.
          Flashing super:       Thundering Erection
          He opens the shower door and steps into the steamy spray.
          He embraces her. Pendulous breasts, sagging skin, a patch of
          white hair under a drooping belly, wrinkles... It's Mrs.
          Saunders! She looks up startled.
          Nick lets out a horrible woman-like scream. Mrs. Saunders
          starts screaming too, the sound of a pig being slaughtered.
          She hurls a bar of soap.
          The bar strikes Nick upside the head and he loses his footing
          on the slippery tile. He goes down, taking Mrs. Saunders with
          him. They wrangle in the mist as Nick tries to escape.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS

                    RAPE! RAAAAAPE!
          Suddenly the door opens. It's Sheeni in her robe. She reaches
          out and pulls Nick up.

                              SHEENI
                    Get out quick!
          Still wearing her robe, she dives into the spray to save her
          mother. Nick grabs his robe and retreats.

          INT. CAFE - DAY

          Nick slouches in a corner of the shop, his hands trembling as
          he brings his coffee to his lips. He hears the door open and
          looks up, but instead of the cops finds Sheeni. She joins him
          at the table.

                              NICK
                    Should I go to the sheriff's now?

                              SHEENI
                    No. I managed to convince Mother
                    you were retarded and couldn't read
                    the sign.

          

                                                                     28.

          
          Nick nods thankfully.

                              NICK
                    Say, where were you anyway?   We
                    said five minutes to six.

                              SHEENI
                    I'm sorry. But, Nick, women are
                    always discreetly late. It's
                    expected of us.

                              NICK
                    Swell. And the punctual guy fries
                    in the chair for rape.

                              SHEENI
                    Don't complain. At least you got to
                    shower with a naked woman.
                        (licking donut powder off
                         her fingers)
                    What are your plans today?

                              NICK
                    My parents want to go to
                    Middletown. Jerry has the moronic
                    notion of buying a trailer there
                    before we leave.

                              SHEENI
                    I should like to come with you,
                    Nick. The more time we spend
                    together the better. I fear when
                    you leave we might never see each
                    other again.
          Nick nods glumly. Clearly a devastating thought.

          INT. LINCOLN (MOVING) - DAY

          Sheeni's in back with Nick, but doesn't seem to mind the wind
          tunnel. She has a scarf tied around her chestnut locks.
          Nick looks down as she casually rests a hand on the inside of
          his thigh.
          As they round a curve at 60, she yanks Nick's sunglasses off
          and tosses them over her shoulder into the lake.

          EXT. GEEZER'S MANOR - DAY

          Estelle, Jerry, Nick, and a toothless old GEEZER whose gut
          rivals Jerry's, all stare at a rusty RV that looks like it
          might not make the trip back.
          In the background, Sheeni pets a goat in the dusty yard.

          

                                                                     29.

          

                              JERRY
                    What's your cash price?

                              GEEZER
                    I said in the ad. Thousand dollars
                    firm.

                               JERRY
                    Thousand, huh? That must be with a
                    guarantee.

                              GEEZER
                    As is, where she is.

                              JERRY
                    I don't know. Those rusty propane
                    tanks are a fire hazard. The roof
                    probably needs work. I couldn't go
                    above eight hundred.
          The geezer ponders the bad news. Estelle shakes her head and
          goes inside the RV to inspect.

                              ESTELLE (O.S.)
                    There are mouse droppings in all
                    the closets, Jerry.

                              GEEZER
                    I might take nine fifty.

                              JERRY
                    Nine hundred.
          Sheeni lets out a squeal of delight. They all turn their
          attention to where she has discovered a box full of squirming

          PUPPIES.
          She brings one of them over.

                              SHEENI
                    Look, Nick!
          She shows him the ugly little pug. Short droopy ears, a tiny,
          batlike face.

                              NICK
                    Great.

                              SHEENI
                        (to the geezer)
                    How much?

                              GEEZER
                    Ten dollars.
          Sheeni turns to Nick pleadingly. Nick fishes through his
          wallet.

          

                                                                  30.

          

                              NICK
                    All I have is a Subway card with
                    four stickers.

                              GEEZER
                    Sold.

                              NICK
                    No doubt close to the dog's actual
                    value.

                              SHEENI
                    Oh, thank you, Nickie!
          She plants a kiss on his lips and promptly turns her
          attention to the dog, who licks her face affectionately. Nick
          looks on with appropriate jealousy.

                              SHEENI
                    I'm going to name him Albert.
                        (pronounced Al-bear)

                              GEEZER
                    That don't sound like any kind of
                    name for a dog.

                              SHEENI
                        (scowling defensively)
                    I'll have you know I've named him
                    after the deceased French writer,
                    Albert Camus. Author of L'Etranger
                    and other works of existential
                    brilliance.
          The geezer looks to Nick with an expression of "I stand
          corrected." Nick returns with a nod that says "You have no
          idea."

          INT. LINCOLN (MOVING) - DAY

          The Lincoln now tows the rusty RV behind it. Nick watches
          Sheeni continue to fawn over Albert.

          INT. CAFE - DAY

          Nick and Sheeni dine over coffee and a plate of donuts. Nick
          watches her play with Albert in her lap.

                              NICK
                    Sheeni, I think I love you.

                              SHEENI
                    Well, your hormones certainly do.
                    And oddly enough, my hormones like
                    you too.

          

                                                                  31.

          
          Sheeni releases Albert and the mutt paws at her legs. Her
          eyes well up with tears, a few theatrical sniffles.

                              NICK
                    Sheeni? It's... It's okay. We can
                    visit each other when I get a
                    drivers license.

                              SHEENI
                    I hope that's true, but.. It's not
                    that. It's...

                              NICK
                    What?

                              SHEENI
                    It's my parents. They're... I fear
                    they will never allow me to keep
                    Albert.

                              NICK
                    Oh.
          Nick tries to hide his hurt. Picks up the paper with
          annoyance.

                              SHEENI

                        (SNIFFLING)
                    Nick, honey. Why don't you take
                    Albert? He could be our love child.

                              NICK
                    No way.

                              SHEENI
                    At least you could consider it,
                    honey. For me. I've never asked you
                    for anything before.

                              NICK
                    Maybe I could take him, but I'd
                    have certain conditions. I would
                    have to be the only dad on the
                    scene.
                        (matter of fact)
                    Trent would have to go.

                              SHEENI
                    That's asking a lot. Trent worships
                    the ground I walk on.

                              NICK
                    It's your choice. Life with me and
                    the dog you love. Or a pet-free
                    existence with a shallow,
                    egotistical poet.

          

                                                                  32.

          
          Sheeni ponders this.

                              SHEENI
                    OK, Nick, I guess I don't have any
                    choice. I'll break up with Trent.
                    But if he kills himself it's on
                    your conscience.

                              NICK
                    I accept full responsibility.

                              SHEENI
                    Well, good, that's settled.

                              NICK
                    Not quite, darling. I want one more
                    thing.

                                 SHEENI
                    What?

                              NICK
                    What do you think?
          A beat. Sheeni looks pensive. It fades to amusement.

                              SHEENI
                    Do you have a condom?
          Nick lifts his eyebrows. Now we're getting somewhere!

                              SHEENI
                    It has to be in a safe place. A
                    nice comfortable bed. With no
                    threat of interruptions. And for
                    relaxation and mood setting some
                    good red wine, preferably French. I
                    want a new condom. Not one that's
                    been riding around in your wallet
                    for years. Consumers rated them a
                    while back. I suggest you get their
                    top-rated brand. This may take some
                    research in the library. I'd
                    appreciate a photocopy of the
                    article. Plus, for supplementary
                    protection, I want a name brand
                    spermicide.

                              NICK
                    How about I have a quick vasectomy
                    just to be on the safe side?

                              SHEENI
                        (matter of fact)
                    Well, Nick, that, of course, is up
                    to you.

          

                                                                      33.

          
          Nick looks displeased that his sarcasm didn't register.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Jerry hitches the trailer to the back of the Lincoln. Estelle
          loads up the trunk.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, honey, say goodbye to Sheeni.
                    It's time to hit the road.
          Nick watches Sheeni kiss Albert. He looks less than enthused
          at the thought of sloppy-seconds. Finally Sheeni hands Nick
          the dog.
          Nick and Sheeni stand there an awkward beat. Sheeni leans in
          and gives him a peck on the cheek.

                              SHEENI
                        (whispering in his ear)
                    Don't forget, darling. Red wine and
                    Consumer Reports.
          She smiles. They're the sexiest words Nick's ever heard.
          He grabs her and kisses her deeply.
          Jerry HONKS the horn and they break off.

          INT. LINCOLN - DAY

          Nick gets into the back seat with Albert. The dog whimpers.
          Sheeni stands off to the side, waving at them both.

                              JERRY
                    Okay. Back to civilization!
          He fires up the Lincoln and they kick up dust. Albert
          slobbers all over Nick.
          Nick sets him down and watches Sheeni in the side-mirror,
          waving in the road.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I have a tall mountain to climb,
                    with many treacherous glaciers
                    still to cross, but finally, I have
                    obtained a stamped entry visa to
                    the paradise that lay beyond.
          Sheeni watches the Lincoln and trailer recede toward the
          horizon.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    In short... I have a very real
                    prospect for getting laid.

                                                     FADE TO BLACK.

          

                                                                  34.

          

          

          

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          The Lincoln and RV slow to a stop outside the home.

          I/E. LINCOLN - DAY
          They all stare at the empty space where the Chevy-Nova used
          to be. Jerry gets a smirk of satisfaction.

                              JERRY
                    You see that, Babe. They caved.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          Jerry backs the RV into the drive as Nick helps his mother
          with her belongings and they enter the house. The RV scrapes
          its way through a few overhanging tree branches before Jerry
          decides it's parked.
          There comes a woman's scream from inside the house.

          INT. ESTELLE'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          Jerry joins Nick and Estelle in the doorway. There in the
          living room, surrounded by all the furniture pushed neatly
          against the walls, is Jerry's camouflaged Chevy.

                              NICK
                    I guess they didn't cave after all.
          Jerry pops the hood and lets out a whistle.

                              JERRY
                    Boy, everything's complete. There's
                    even water in the windshield
                    washer.

                              ESTELLE
                    How did they ever get it in here?
                    My front door can't be more than
                    three feet wide.

                              JERRY
                    Looks like they brought it in piece
                    by piece and then reassembled it.

                              ESTELLE
                    But it would take an army of
                    mechanics to do all that!
          Jerry slams down the hood.

                              JERRY
                    Or a navy, Babe. Or a navy.

          

                                                                  35.

          

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          A cab pulls up in front of the house and Nick's sister,
          Joanie gets out of the back. She tips the driver, and as she
          crosses the front yard, gawks at the RV sitting in the drive.

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - HALLWAY - DAY

          Nick's door is ajar. Nick pulls up his trousers and comes
          into the hall. He listens to the voices downstairs.

          STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
          He comes down the first few steps and is met with the sight
          of his mother and sister staring up at him.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, your sister came all the way
                    from LA for a weekend visit!
          Nick and Joanie meet eyes. She lifts a quizzical eyebrow.

                                NICK
                    Stellar.

          INT. ESTELLE'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Albert chews on Jerry's sock under the table.

                              JERRY
                    Can someone do something about the
                    mutt?
          The family dines over take-out fried chicken. Jerry kicks
          Albert and the puppy goes tumbling across the floor.

                              ESTELLE
                    I don't know, Jerry. Can someone do
                    something about the monstrosity
                    dripping oil in my living room?

                              JOANIE
                    Yeah, I noticed that. What's the
                    story?

                              NICK
                    Jerry tried to outsmart a few
                    sailors. It's been an amusing saga.
          Jerry contemplates smacking Nick upside the head, but decides
          against it when he discerns Estelle is probably in her son's
          corner.

                              JERRY
                    OK, Babe, I guess when I come back
                    from my next haul I'll just have to
                    take it apart piece by piece.

          

                                                                  36.

          
          Estelle takes a deep breath and tries to let the matter rest.

                              JOANIE
                    Up to anything scandalous these
                    days, Nick?

                              NICK
                    I was going to ask you the same
                    thing.

                              JOANIE
                    What do you mean?
          Nick puffs out his chest. Joanie looks down at her boob-job.

                              JOANIE
                    Not that it's any of your business,
                    but I've taken a class to improve
                    my posture.
          Nick rolls his eyes.

                              ESTELLE
                    I think Joanie looks very nice. And
                    she has a new boyfriend too.

                              NICK
                    Did you meet him in posture class?

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick met a nice girl in Ukiah.

                              JOANIE
                    Really now? Are you on each others'
                    Myspace pages?

                              NICK
                    Hardly. Sheeni believes the
                    internet will be the end of
                    literacy.

                              JOANIE
                    So it's to be a torturous snail
                    mail exchange, huh?

                              NICK
                    More like the occassional collect
                    call.

                              ESTELLE
                    Collect calls? And just who do you
                    expect to pay for that?
          Jerry kicks the dog away from his sock. Albert growls and
          prepares for another charge.

          

                                                                    37.

          

                              JERRY
                    Hey, Nick. Want to learn how a car
                    is put together?

                              NICK
                    No, thanks. Auto mechanics doesn't
                    interest me.

                              JERRY
                    See, Estelle, I told you the kid
                    was queer-eeAAAAHHHHH!
          Jerry lurches backward in the chair and lands on the floor,
          revealing that Albert's teeth have a firm grasp on Jerry's
          sack. The dog shakes the scrotum in his jaws.

                              JERRY
                    Damn it! The dog!
          He tries to swipe Albert with his beer bottle, but the dog
          retreats into the house, leaving Jerry rolling around on the
          floor.
          Joanie and Nick exchange a smile. The phone rings. Estelle
          gets up to answer it.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, put the dog in the basement.

          INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

          Nick stoops to secure the leash around the piping. He regards
          the little pug. Albert WHIMPERS and cocks his head.
          The door at the top of the stairs opens and Estelle descends
          the first few steps.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, that was your father on the
                    phone. He lost his job.

                              NICK
                    How unlike him.

                              ESTELLE
                    Watch your smart mouth. This means
                    the end of child support.

                              NICK
                    Which means...

                              ESTELLE
                    You'll have to start going to...

                        (DISTORTED)
                    Oakland Public School.
          In Nick's eyes the fear of a sentence worse than death.

          

                                                                  38.

          

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - HALLWAY - DAY

          Morning comes through the drapes. The phone on the side table
          is ringing. Nick emerges from his room and picks it up.

                              NICK
                    Hello?

                              OPERATOR (V.O.)
                    Will you accept a collect call from
                    Sheeni Saunders?

                              NICK
                    Absolutely.
          Nick looks around, opens the door to the linen closet and
          darts inside.

          INT. CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

          BLACKNESS. Then Nick pulls the cord and the naked bulb kicks
          on.

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    Nick?

                              NICK
                    Sheeni? How are you?

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    I'm well, Nickie.

                              NICK
                    And how is Trent? Not too suicidal
                    I hope.

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          Sheeni relaxes on a love seat, cradling the phone with her
          shoulder as she eats grapes from a bowl. WE INTERCUT.

                              SHEENI
                    Of course, he was disconsolate, but
                    we talked all day and he's come to
                    see this as an opportunity for
                    growth. Oh, and Nick, Trent wanted
                    me to tell you that he bears you no
                    ill will.

                              NICK
                    Nor I him. I wish him all the best.

                              SHEENI
                    His parents are sending him to a
                    French speaking boarding school
                    this year. He's sure to get along
                    there. So how is my darling Albert?

          

                                                          39.

          

                              NICK
                    Well, though he's taken a disliking
                    to Jerry.

                              SHEENI
                    And you, Nickie? How are you?

                              NICK
                    I regret, Love of My Life, my
                    father has lost his job and I will
                    now be forced to go to public
                    school.

                              SHEENI
                    How unfortunate. What did he do?

                              NICK
                    He's a writer - sort of. He writes
                    advertising copy.

                              SHEENI
                    Really?
                        (pensive beat)
                    Nick, I suggest we look at your
                    father's firing as a blessing in
                    disguise.

                              NICK
                    How so?

                              SHEENI
                    I propose we get your father a job
                    here in Ukiah and you can come and
                    live with him.

                              NICK
                    Brilliant. Not that I'm fond of
                    Ukiah, but I'd live in a drainage
                    culvert to be with you.

                              SHEENI
                    Oh, Nickie. Now, I happen to know
                    Progressive Plywood is looking for
                    an assistant editor. It would be
                    perfect for your father.
          Nick furrows his brow with skepticism.

                              NICK
                    I had no idea you had knowledge of
                    the employment opportunities of
                    trade magazines.

                              SHEENI
                    The owner is the father of a friend
                    of mine.

          

                                                                  40.

          

                              NICK
                    Anyone I know?

                              SHEENI
                    Okay, it's Trent's father. So what?

                              NICK
                    So why would Trent want to help my
                    father move to Ukiah?

                              SHEENI
                    I told you, darling. Trent harbors
                    you no ill will. I will have him
                    call your father up pretending to
                    be a head hunter.

                              NICK
                    Very well, but I don't see how I am
                    to live with him. My mother values
                    my indentured servitude.

                              SHEENI
                    You must influence her to send you
                    away. I feel this will require
                    being in a constant state of open
                    revolt on your part.

                              NICK
                    What do you want me to do?

                              SHEENI
                    I propose you rent the film Rebel
                    Without a Cause as soon as
                    possible. You must emulate James
                    Dean...
          CLOSE ON her GLOSSY LIPS.

                              SHEENI
                    ...You must be bad, Nickie. Be
                    very, very bad.
          A glint of resolve in Nick's eyes.

                              NICK
                    I will, darling. I will!
          And in pre-lap comes the DING DONG of the doorbell.

          INT. ESTELLE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

          Joanie and Nick sit in the Chevy Nova watching Rebel Without
          a Cause through the windshield.

          

                                                                   41.

          
          Estelle enters the living room with tears streaming down her
          face and a police officer, LANCE WESCOTT, 45, with a flattop,
          watery red eyes, and assorted guns, flashlights, and billy
          clubs.

                              ESTELLE
                    Kids? This is Officer Lance
                    Wescott. He has some bad news.
          After a beat, Nick rolls down the window.

                               LANCE
                    Your mother's friend Jerry had a
                    heart attack in a bar in Dallas.
                    He's dead.
          Estelle sobs, but isn't joined by her children. She turns to
          Lance.

                              ESTELLE
                    Will they be sending his
                    belongings?

                              LANCE
                    Uh... I'm afraid they've already
                    been sent. To his wife.
          Beat. Nick looks to Joanie. They both look to their mother.

                              ESTELLE
                    His... His wife?!?
          She bursts into tears and collapses into Officer Lance
          Wescott's arms.

                              LANCE
                    There, there, Ma'am. It's going to
                    be okay.
          Nick watches his mother sobbing against the cop's chest for a
          beat before he rolls up the window and he and Joanie resume
          watching the movie.
          Estelle's cries of despair become...

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

          ....the cries of ecstasy coming through the wall along with
          the repeated exclamation of Lance's name.
          Nick rolls over in bed. Bloodshot eyes. He hauls himself out
          of bed.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I have decided to create a
                    supplementary persona named
                    Fran�ois.

          

                                                                     42.

          

          INT. BATHRROOM - NIGHT

          He stands in front of the mirror and leans in.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Like a Parisian James Dean, he will
                    be bold, reckless, contemptuous of
                    authority, and irresistible to
                    women.
          PUSH IN on his reflection, as a moustache appears. Then a
          beret and black and white striped shirt. Then a cigarette
          holder and Thompson machine-gun. And FRAN�OIS is born.

                              NICK
                    Hello, Fran�ois. I think you'll do
                    nicely.

                              FRAN�OIS
                    Oui, I am ze perfect match pour une
                    Francophile for ze likes of Sheeni
                    Saunders. I have ze calculating
                    intelligence...

                              NICK
                    ...the itchy trigger finger...
          Fran�ois cocks the machine-gun.

                       NICK                            FRAN�OIS
          ...and cojone grandes!            ...and cojone grandes!

          INT. BATHRROOM - DAY

          Nick opens the door. Lance and Estelle shower behind the
          frosted glass.

                              NICK
                    Damn! Those hippos are taking a
                    shower together. How repulsive!
          He slams the door.

          INT. BASEMENT - DAY

          Nick comes down the stairs. He reaches the water heater and
          starts spinning the knob.

          INT. BATHROOM - DAY

          The forms of Estelle and Lance in the shower can be made out.
          They both start screaming as they are blasted with cold
          water. The blobs of their bodies press up against the glass.

          

                                                                     43.

          

          INT. BASEMENT - DAY

          Albert looks up at Nick and lets out a BARK. Nick smiles and
          bends down to undo his leash.

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - HALLWAY -DAY

          Lance bursts from the bathroom in his boxers, looking for
          blood. He hears the sound of paws climbing the stairs. Albert
          comes hurtling around he corner, almost losing his footing on
          the hardwood floor.

          ALBERT'S POV
          as we lunge at Lance's crotch.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          A BLOODCURDLING SCREAM rises up from the home.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - DAY

          Estelle hands Lance an ice-pack and he applies it to his
          injury. Nick wanders in and takes his seat at the table.

                              NICK
                    Where's Joanie?

                              ESTELLE
                    She's sleeping in.

                              NICK
                    No doubt. I don't think anyone got
                    a wink last night with all that
                    racket.
          Lance looks at him, seething inwardly. He glances to Estelle.

                              NICK
                    I thought there were laws in this
                    city against illicit cohabitation.
                    Or are they just another big
                    policeman's joke?

                              LANCE
                    Kid, you are asking for trouble.

                              NICK
                    What are you going to do? Shoot me
                    with your gun?
          Lance lunges across the table.

                              ESTELLE
                    No, Lance! Nickie, go to your room.
          Nick flings down his napkin and heads for the front door.

          

                                                                  44.

          

                              ESTELLE
                    Where do you think you're going?

                              NICK
                    Out!
          The screen door slams behind him.

          INT. GARAGE - DAY

          The garage door rattles upward, illuminating the cardboard
          box of paint supplies. Nick bends down and picks up a can of
          aerosol spray-paint. He shakes it.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY

          Nick sprays the trailer in wide sweeping motions.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - EVENING

          Joanie and Nick sun bathe in the lawn chairs. Estelle stands
          over them.

                              ESTELLE
                    What the in God's name has gotten
                    into you?!? Jerry paid good money
                    for that trailer!

                              NICK
                    And just what makes you so sure it
                    was me?

                              ESTELLE
                    Who the hell else would write such
                    a thing?
          Estelle gestures to the trailer, which we can see has been
          defaced with the words GOD'S PERFECT ASSHOLE.

                              ESTELLE
                    And just how do you explain this?
          She holds up a semi-nude Polaroid of Lacey.

                              NICK
                    That's Lacey.

                              ESTELLE
                    And just who the hell is Lacey?

                              NICK
                    Dad's girlfriend.
          Estelle stares at the photo, face contorted by revulsion and
          envy.

          

                                                                  45.

          

                              ESTELLE
                    His girlfriend? What are you doing
                    with a picture like this of your
                    father's girlfriend?

                              JOANIE
                    C'mon, Mom, all boys his age have
                    pictures like that to...

                              ESTELLE
                    When I want your opinion on raising
                    my child, I'll ask for it.
                        (to Nick; morbidly

                         CURIOUS)
                    And what's this Lacey tart like?

                              NICK
                    Well, she likes fast cars and takes
                    a lot of naps with dad.
          Super:             (True)

                              NICK
                    She likes to sit on Dad's lap while
                    he eats and blow in his ear.
          Super:           (Not true)

                              NICK
                    And she calls him "Thunder Rod" and
                    he calls her "Sugar Puss."
          Super:       (True; believe it or not)
          At this point Estelle has turned bright red.

                              ESTELLE
                    You are confined to your room until
                    school starts, you sick pervert.
          She stalks off. Joanie glances over at Nick with amusement.

                              NICK
                    I wish I was leaving with you
                    tonight.

                              JOANIE
                    Your day will come. I never thought
                    mine would, but it did. Was all
                    that stuff about Lacey and Dad made
                    up?

                              NICK
                    I wish. Did you really take a
                    posture class?

          

                                                                     46.

          

                              JOANIE
                    Implants. I wanted them all my
                    life.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - DAY

          A knock on the door. Lefty enters the room and Nick pulls the
          headphones off his ears.

                              NICK
                    Hey, Lefty.

                              LEFTY
                    What's with your mom, Nick? She
                    gave me the third degree just to
                    come up here.

                              NICK
                    I vandalized Jerry's trailer and
                    she found my picture of Lacey.

                              LEFTY
                    Well, good thing I stole this from
                    the bookstore then.
          Lefty unzips his backpack and produces a large hardbound
          volume titled Lovemaking for Advanced Gourmets.

                              LEFTY
                    I was reading it all last night.
                    Boy, having sex is a lot more
                    complicated than I thought. Did you
                    know you were supposed to stick
                    your pinkie in her bumhole?

                               NICK
                    You lie.

                              LEFTY
                    No way, man. Here, I got the page
                    marked.
          Lefty flops down on the sofa next to Nick and the two of them
          flip through the manual.

                              NICK
                    Yeah, but I'm not sure I should try
                    this on Sheeni. I think this book
                    is for people who've been married
                    so long they're disgusted by the
                    sight of each other.
          They regard the illustrated figures of men and women in
          various states of foreplay.

          

                                                                  47.

          

                              LEFTY
                    Are we really supposed to be
                    that... uh... big?

                              NICK
                    I think these illustrations are
                    disproportionate for emphasis.

                              LEFTY
                    Maybe we should compare.

                              NICK
                    Perhaps we should. Just for the
                    sake of research.
          Nick and Lefty get to their feet and stand opposite each
          other like a pair of duelists. They simultaneously undo their
          belts and pull their pants and underwear to their feet.
          They straighten. Lefty's eyes fall to Nick's crotch. He gets
          a hint of concern in his expression.
          Nick stares at Lefty's, tilting his head to compensate for
          the curvature.
          The door behind them opens and Estelle appears toting Nick's
          lunch. She lets out a scream. The boys turn to face her,
          pants around their ankles.

                                ESTELLE

                    PERVERTS!
          She hurls the tray of food at them. Lefty bolts. Nick hastily
          tries to pull up his pants as his mother chases him around
          the room, grabbing up objects and hurling them his way.

                              ESTELLE

                    FRIGGIN' GODDAMN PERVERTS!

          INT. ESTELLE'S HOME - HALLWAY - DAY

          Lefty emerges from the room and takes off.

                              ESTELLE
                    You won't get away! I'm calling
                    your parents! PERVERTS!
          Nick bursts from the room, desperately trying to buckle his
          pants. Estelle is hot on his heels, wielding the hardbound
          sex manual as they round the bannister.

                              ESTELLE
                    In my house! How dare you!
          She catches up to Nick at the top of the stairs and cracks
          him upside the head.

          

                                                                    48.

          
          He loses his balance and goes tumbling down the staircase,
          letting out a moan that stutters as his head hits each step.
          He comes crashing into the foyer, landing on the slate.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - EVENING

          Nick watches out the window.
          Estelle can be seen animatedly describing the events to
          LEFTY'S PARENTS. Lefty glances up at Nick and gives a pained
          expression.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - LATER

          Nick lays on his belly reading No Exit. He looks up when he
          hears the sound of footsteps in the hall. Shadows appear
          beneath the crack in the door.
          Estelle opens the door and looks down at him.

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, I just want you to know that
                    I've thought about it, and I've
                    accepted that you are gay.

                              NICK
                    Thanks a pantsful, but I'm not gay.
                    If you're really concerned though,
                    I suggest you get me a room at the
                    Ukiah Motel 6. If anyone can
                    straighten me out, it's Sheeni.
          She looks at him dubiously and hands out the phone.

                              ESTELLE
                    That sounds more like a job for
                    your father. Here, he wants to talk
                    to you.
          Nick takes the phone from her hands and she closes the door.

                              NICK
                        (into phone)
                    Hello?

          INT. GEORGE TWISP'S HOME - NIGHT


                               GEORGE
                    So what's this I hear about you
                    being gay?
          George sprawls on the couch, cradling the phone with one
          hand, and holding a beer on his stomach with the other. WE

          INTERCUT.

          

                                                                  49.

          

                              NICK
                    What's this I hear about you being
                    unemployed?

                              GEORGE
                    Yes, but my condition is only
                    temporary. I can change it.

                              NICK
                    I hope you do. We need the money.

                              GEORGE
                    Nick, there are more important
                    things in life than money.

                              NICK
                    I know, Dad. Like getting a good
                    education. And being able to
                    respect your parents.

                              GEORGE
                    I've got two words for you. Safe
                    sex.

                              NICK
                    Thanks, Dad.
          He hangs up the phone.

          EXT. OAKLAND PUBLIC SCHOOL - DAY

          Intimidating PUNK MUSIC. School bus doors fold open and Nick
          steps off. The MUSIC pounds from the boom box resting on the
          hood of the Mustang GT where a pack of SKINHEADS follow Nick
          with their eyes.
          Nick walks past them, glancing over at the assembly of ASIAN
          GANGSTERS glaring at him from their perch on the wall.

          INT. OAKLAND PUBLIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY

          Nick pushes past a fight where two kids throw each other
          against the lockers. He smiles at a pair of PUNK ROCK GIRLS.
          One of them flips him off. Nick heads into...

          INT. BOYS ROOM - DAY

          And as Nick steps into the bathroom, we follow his eyes...
          SWISH TO... a CRIP selling a bag of dope to a GOTH FRESHMAN.
          SWISH TO... a LATIN KING vandalizing the wall with the words

          LATIN KINGS WERE HERE.
          SWISH TO... a pack of WIGGERS as one of them gives the others
          a butterfly knife show-and-tell.

          

                                                                  50.

          

          INT. OAKLAND PUBLIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY

          WE DRIFT down the corridor where Nick dials at a pay phone.

                              FEMALE CASEWORKER (V.O.)
                    Office of Child Welfare.

                              NICK
                    Hello, uh... My name is Nick. Nick
                    Twisp. My father's name is George
                    Twisp.

                              FEMALE CASEWORKER (V.O.)
                    Has he hit you, Nick?

                              NICK
                    Not lately. But he's missed several
                    child support payments, and is not
                    looking for work. So now I'm going
                    to public school in Oakland.

                              FEMALE CASEWORKER (V.O.)
                    Not the Oakland schools!

                              NICK
                    Yes. And he's had an offer from a
                    respectable publication in Ukiah.

                              FEMALE CASEWORKER (V.O.)
                    Don't you worry, young man. I'll
                    get right on this. Don't worry.
                    We'll light a fire under that
                    deadbeat!

          EXT. OAKLAND - DAY

          Nick walks Albert down the sidewalk. Lefty crosses the street
          to him and they walk together.

                              NICK
                    Hey, Lefty. How's it hangin'?

                              LEFTY
                    You'll never believe who called me,
                    Nick. Millie Filbert!

                              NICK
                    What?!? Why?

                              LEFTY
                    I dunno. She just called and asked
                    if I wanted to hang out tonight. I
                    didn't want to ask why. I need to
                    find someplace for us to get it on.
          Albert squats to poop in someone's yard. The boys pause to
          wait for him.

          

                                                                  51.

          

                              NICK
                    You can use my house if you want.

                                LEFTY
                    Really?

                              NICK
                    Sure. My Mom and Lance are going to
                    a movie and I'm planning on
                    stealing Jerry's trailer and
                    torching it in a parking lot, so
                    you'll have the whole house to
                    yourself.

                                LEFTY
                    Right on.
          Albert finishes his business and they resume walking.

                              NICK
                    So where you headed anyway?

                              LEFTY
                    Dr. Browerly's office. My parents
                    are making me see a shrink now.

                              NICK
                    He asking lots of weird questions?

                              LEFTY
                    You bet your left nut he is! He
                    asked if I had any lustful thoughts
                    toward my sister.

                              NICK
                    What did you tell him?

                              LEFTY
                    I told him about beating off once
                    with her brassiere.

                              NICK
                    What did you tell him that for?

                              LEFTY
                    You don't know what it's like. I
                    think they release chemicals in
                    their office to make you tell the
                    truth.

                              NICK
                    Sounds like a professional. He must
                    be very expensive.

                              LEFTY
                    I wouldn't know. The bill goes to
                    your house.

          

                                                                  52.

          

                              NICK
                    My mom is paying for your therapy?

                              LEFTY
                    I guess so. It was your cyclops I
                    was staring at.

                              NICK
                    Yes, but it was your idea.

                              LEFTY
                    That's true. Gee, maybe I am gay.

                              NICK
                    Don't be retarded. We were doing
                    research for our girlfriends.

                              LEFTY
                    Oh, right. I forgot. That's a
                    relief. So you'll leave the door
                    open?

                               NICK
                    Yeah, just don't blow your load on
                    my sheets.

                              LEFTY
                    Thanks a pantsful, Nick.

                              NICK
                    Don't mention it. See ya, Lefty.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - DAY

          Nick hunches over his desk doing homework, headphones over
          his ears. Estelle knocks and enters. Nick pulls the
          headphones down around his neck.

                              ESTELLE
                    Lance and I are walking down to the
                    movie theater. There's TV dinners
                    in the freezer. Oh, and Nick - your
                    father got a job in Ukiah.

                              NICK
                    Mom? Do you think it might be a
                    good idea if I moved in with him?

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick, that just wouldn't work. I
                    depend on that child support money
                    to eat.

                              NICK
                    But shouldn't you depend on the
                    child support money for, you
                    know... child support?

          

                                                                     53.

          

                              ESTELLE
                    Watch your smart mouth.
          She slams the door.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - DAY


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    The plan is simple.
          Nick places two full cannisters of gasoline into the trunk of
          the Lincoln.
          Nick's behind the wheel, backing up the car.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Tow Jerry's trailer to a remote
                    parking lot in Berkeley and burn it
                    to the ground.
          The hitch ball grinds under the trailer socket.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Thus evicting myself from my
                    mother's clutches and into the arms
                    of My One And Only Love.
          Nick fires up the V-8 engine and shifts into drive, pulling
          forward. He cuts across the lawn.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Fran�ois wanted to torch the
                    trailer where it sits, but I've
                    convinced him a parking lot will
                    reduce the risk of collateral
                    damage.
          The trailer clips the corner of the house. Chunks of stucco
          fall and the galvanized downspout shudders and writhes,
          collapsing the long rain gutter running across the front of
          the home.
          Nick guns it, and with a lurch the trailer splinters free. He
          dodges the birch tree, but plows over the smaller Asian pear.
          The Lincoln bounces the curb and catapults into the street,
          the trailer weaving back and forth, smashing parked cars.

          INT. LINCOLN (MOVING) - DAY

          Nick cruises along sedately. He plays with the radio and
          settles on the Sex Pistols.
          He looks up just in time to see the red light and slams on
          the brakes, nearly jack-knifing the trailer.
          The light turns green and the car lumbers up the long hill.

          

                                                                  54.

          

          EXT. BERKELEY - DAY

          Nick hits the bump in the road right before the stop sign.
          The car bottoms out. The trailer bounces up, coming
          unhitched.

          I/E. LINCOLN (MOVING) - DAY
          Nick hits the gas and the Lincoln suddenly surges forward,
          released from the great weight.
          Nick smiles. Behind him, through the rear window, the trailer
          can be seen receding into the distance. He glances into the
          mirror and spots the trailer plunging down the hill.
          Then he crashes into the Fiat parked in front of him at the
          intersection. The gas tank on the Fiat cracks, spurting fuel
          onto the pavement.

          EXT. BERKELEY - DAY

          Nick leaps from the Lincoln and watches open-mouthed as the
          vehicular ballet unfolds.
          Down the hill - the speeding trailer sideswipes a delivery
          van and goes into a spin. The BOHEMIANS sipping espresso at
          the outdoor caf� look up to see the words GOD'S PERFECT
          ASSHOLE bearing down on them.
          The delivery van veers out of control. The Bohemians scatter.
          The truck runs over a fire hydrant and smashes its way
          through the patio furniture and into the caf�.
          A geyser of water plumes where the hydrant once stood.
          The trailer resumes its downward plunge toward the busy cross
          street below.
          KWOMP! Nick turns to see the still-restive Lincoln part from
          the Fiat and begin to roll down the hill after its partner.

                              NICK
                    Oh no! I forgot to set the brake!
          The DRIVER OF THE FIAT bolts after the accelerating Lincoln,
          but as he realizes the futility, slows to a jog.
          The driver turns to see he forgot to set his own brake, and
          desperately rolls out of the way of the Fiat.
          MOTORISTS slam on their brakes as the speeding trailer
          crosses four lanes of traffic. It jumps the curb crashing
          into the plate glass window of a gourmet sausage shop.
          A cop car lights up and speeds into the intersection, just in
          time to get clipped by the Lincoln.
          The cop car goes into a tail spin, smashing into a chicken
          transport. The flock of feathered inmates fly for freedom.

          

                                                                  55.

          

          
          The Lincoln continues to generate momentum on its slalom run,
          thundering past the stopped cars and into the wrecked
          building like a runaway express train.
          The gas cannisters in the trunk ignite and the sausage shop
          explodes, the trailer's two propane tanks going off like
          bombs.
          The Fiat comes flying into the flaming mess and blasts apart,
          sending shards of metal and sausage links to go raining down
          on the spectators.
          The blaze lights the trail of gasoline left by the broken
          fuel tank and a stream of liquid fire races up the hill,
          ending at Nick's feet.
          Nick takes a moment to watch in horror as dark plumes of
          smoke billow into the sky, the geyser of water, the storm of
          dazed chickens. He turns around and does his best to
          inconspicuously walk OUT OF FRAME.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

          WE FOLLOW Nick as he comes through the front door and is met
          with the sight of his mother and Lance staring at him from
          the kitchen table.
          The Berkeley fire rages on the television.

                              NICK
                    Hey, Mom! How was the movie?

                              LANCE
                    You little shit. You stole your
                    mother's dead ex-boyfriend's
                    trailer and set a five million
                    dollar fire.

                              NICK/FRANCOIS
                    I refuse to stand for such
                    allegations!

                              ESTELLE
                    Nick! They have a description of
                    the arsonist!
          Lance flips through his notebook and reads.

                              LANCE
                    A white teenage male, about five-
                    seven. A hundred and twenty five
                    pounds, dark hair, spotted
                    complexion...

                              NICK
                    That could be anyone.

          

                                                                   56.

          

                              LANCE
                    He was also wearing a tee shirt
                    with the words: I'm single, let's
                    mingle.
          Nick glances down at the lettering on his shirt. Oops.
          Estelle bursts into tears.

                              ESTELLE
                    What am I going to do? My only son
                    will be sent to prison!
          Lance takes Estelle in his arms and smirks at Nick.

                              ESTELLE
                    Oh, Lance, can't something be done?

                              LANCE
                    Tell you what, Estelle. I'll make
                    out that Nick reported the car and
                    trailer stolen before the fire.
                    It'll be less suspicious. But I
                    could take some serious heat for
                    this.

                              ESTELLE
                    Oh, Lance! You're wonderful! How
                    can I possibly repay you?

                              LANCE
                    I'll think of something, Estelle.
          He gives her ass a playful squeeze. She lets out a giggle.

                              LANCE
                    Now the kid better not be here when
                    the detectives start coming around.
                    I'd send him away for a while. A
                    long while.

                               ESTELLE
                    He can go make his father's life
                    miserable!
          Nick suddenly brightens.

                              NICK
                    But I like it here.

                              ESTELLE
                    You're going, buster!
          She snatches up the phone and dials. George's groggy voice
          can be heard answering. Estelle screams into the phone.

          

                                                                  57.

          

                              ESTELLE
                    You're son just burned down half of
                    Berkeley! Come and get the little
                    brat!

                              LANCE
                    Wait a minute, Estelle, aren't you
                    going to punish him? I'd say he
                    deserves a good hiding.

                              ESTELLE
                        (cupping the squawking

                         PHONE)
                    He's too much for me anymore. Can
                    you do it, Lance, darling?
          Lance gives Nick another smirk.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick let's out a yelp of pain as Lance brings a broken tree
          limb against his bare bottom. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I don't scream much. I am making a
                    painful sacrifice for The Woman Of
                    My Dreams. My suffering possesses a
                    beauty which elevates it above this
                    sordid scene.
          With the final blow the tree limb cracks in half. Nick looks
          over his shoulder.

                              NICK
                    Are you through?
          Lance looks around the room. Picks up an umbrella and
          considers it in his hand. Nick hangs his head.

          EXT. ESTELLE'S HOME - NIGHT

          We find Nick waiting in the drive with a pile of suitcases
          beside him.

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    Psst. Nick.
          Nick finds Lefty lurking in the shrubs that divide his
          mother's lawn from the neighbor's. He limps to his friend.

                              NICK
                    I was wondering what happened to
                    you. Did you get to blow your wad?

                              LEFTY
                    No. I did not get to blow my wad.

          

                                                                  58.

          

                              NICK
                    Did you get interrupted?

                                 LEFTY
                    No. Worse.

                              NICK
                    What's worse than being
                    interrupted?

                              LEFTY
                    Millie is a lesbian.

                                 NICK

                    WHAT?!?

                              LEFTY
                    The only reason she wanted to hang
                    out with me is because she heard
                    that I showed you my slinky and
                    thought I was gay too.

                              NICK
                    Sorry, man. I didn't have a great
                    night either.

                              LEFTY
                    Well, I dunno what you're gonna do,
                    but I'm giving suicide serious
                    consideration this time.

                              NICK
                    Or you could just fake it and then
                    hide out in Ukiah with me. Then
                    later come back and maybe Millie
                    Filbert will boink you out of pity.

                              LEFTY
                    Hey, that's not a bad idea. Thanks
                    a pantsful, Nick.
          A pair of headlights swing into the drive and Lefty ducks out
          of sight. The headlights turn out to belong to George Twisp's

          BMW.
          The driver's side window rolls down to reveal Nick's dad.
          Lacey leans over George's seat to wave at Nick through the
          window and show him some of her cleavage.

                              LACEY
                    Hiya, Nick!

                              NICK
                    Hi, Lacey. Hi, Dad.
          The trunk pops open.

          

                                                                    59.

          

                              NICK
                    Is there any way I could sit up
                    front with Lacey, Dad? Mom's
                    boyfriend beat me pretty badly.

                              GEORGE
                    Sorry, Nick. In this car, faggots
                    get the back seat.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - NIGHT
          Nick is in the back, crowded in by his belongings and Albert.
          They ride in tense silence until they pass the sight of the
          fire, where FIRE FIGHTERS sift through the ash.

                              GEORGE
                    My God. Look what you've done.
          Lacey turns to look at Nick over the seat. They share a
          smile.

          EXT. UKIAH - ESTABLISHING - DAY

          Morning peers over the distant hills.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          The BMW pulls into the drive of the house - a plywood
          rectangle perched on cement blocks. Aluminum windows. A swamp
          cooler on the shallow-pitched roof. They all emerge from the
          car.

                              GEORGE
                    Go ahead and bring your stuff
                    inside. Lacey and I need a nap.
                    C'mon, Sugar Puss.
          Nick watches longingly as George leads Lacey into the home.
          As he places his hand on Lacey's ass, he looks back over his
          shoulder and throws a smug look in Nick's direction.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    What a competitive asshole.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          Nick reaches the door and gently knocks. But it's Sheeni's
          ogre of a father who answers the door and stares at Nick
          sternly.

                              NICK
                    Uhm, hello. Is Sheeni available?

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    She most certainly is not. As a
                    matter of fact, we've banned you
                    from her life, Nick Twisp.

          

                                                                   60.

          

                                 NICK
                    Excuse me?

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    Trent Preston informed us that not
                    only were you moving here to pursue
                    my daughter, but that you're not
                    even mentally-handicapped, and thus
                    molested my wife in the shower of
                    sound mind and body.

                              NICK
                    That rat-fink-fuck!

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    You watch your language. This is a
                    Christian home. We're sending
                    Sheeni to Les �cole des Arts and
                    Literatures in Santa Cruz.

                              NICK
                    Santa Cruz! But she'll be miserable
                    without me. We're in love.
          The ogre snorts in condescending amusement.

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    Then I guess it's a good thing
                    Trent is going there too. She'll
                    have someone to console her.
          And with that, Mr. Saunders slams the door so hard in Nick's
          face that the entire two story mobile home rocks back and
          forth.

          EXT. WOODS - DAY

          Nick makes his way past the arbor, crestfallen. Sheeni
          emerges from the shadows in a hooded sweatshirt over a
          lavender dress.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick! Oh, Nick!
          Nick lights up at the sight of her and they embrace. They
          kiss passionately. He works his way to her neck and starts to
          reach under the sweatshirt.

                              SHEENI
                    I had to sneak away just to see
                    you.

                              NICK
                    That's okay. I had to burn down
                    half of Berkley.

          

                                                                     61.

          

                               SHEENI
                    That was you? Nick, are you out of
                    your mind?

                              NICK
                    I felt a grand gesture was
                    required, darling.
          Sheeni's expression indicates that she is touched, but it
          turns to troubled.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick, Trent betrayed us.

                              NICK
                    Fran�ois will kill him later.

                              SHEENI
                    Who's Fran�ois?

                              NICK
                    Nevermind. The point is we must
                    elope.
          Sheeni takes a step back at the notion.

                              SHEENI
                    I don't know, Nick. I do love you,
                    but I don't want to spend the rest
                    of our lives on the run.

                              NICK
                    It's a small price to pay.
          She takes another step back.

                              SHEENI
                    I... I can't, Nick.

                              NICK
                    What?!? But, Sheeni. I just don't
                    get it. I'm here. Albert's here
                    too.

                              SHEENI
                    I know, Nick, and I've been longing
                    for you so. But we'll just have to
                    find another way. The car is
                    already packed.
          Nick nods glumly and Sheeni seems overcome with remorse.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick Twisp, I will not allow you to
                    accept defeat so easily!

                              (MORE)

          

                                                                  62.

          
                              SHEENI (cont'd)
                    When the time is right, you must
                    make your way to Santa Cruz. And
                    then we will make love.
          Nick lifts his gaze with renewed determination.

                              NICK
                    Or we could consummate here in the
                    woods.

                              SHEENI
                    Did you bring the consumer reports?
          Nick just blinks blankly.

                              SHEENI
                    Then it will have to be Santa Cruz.
                    I really must go now, darling.

                              NICK
                    Well... Goodbye, Sheeni. I love
                    you.

                              SHEENI
                    I love you too. Squeeze darling
                    Albert for me.
          She pulls her hood over her head. Nick watches wistfully as
          she slips away into the forest.

                               NICK (V.O.)
                    I have endured a five million
                    dollar beating for nothing.

                        (BEAT)
                    I have been stabbed. Stabbed in the
                    back.

          INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

          Two WRESTLERS slam down onto the mat below us.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I do not have a friend within a
                    hundred miles. This is a daunting
                    thought if you think about it.
          WE TRACK down the row of other students, starting with a
          THREE HUNDRED POUND BEHEMOTH. The row seems to descend in
          weight class, until we reach Nick at the very end.

                                                   CUT TO:
          Nick does his best to not be pinned by DWAYNE CRAMPTON, who
          out-weighs him by at least 40 pounds.

          

                                                                  63.

          

          INT. BOYS SHOWER ROOM - DAY

          Nick rinses off. Dwayne steps up to the shower head next to
          his. Nick glances his way and quickly recoils at the
          repelling landscape of rolling pink flab.

                              DWAYNE
                    Sorry `bout wompin' ya. I'm Dwayne.

                              NICK
                    Nick. Nick Twisp.

                              DWAYNE
                    Say, Nick? Why do you suppose guys
                    got only two testicles when we got
                    ten fingers and toes?

                              NICK
                    I could not begin to speculate.
          Nick turns off his shower and slinks away.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          Nick comes up the dusty road toting his backpack.
          On the porch of the Saunders' home, a handsome but somewhat
          unkempt PAUL SAUNDERS, mid-twenties, blows cool jazz on a
          beat-up trumpet.

                              PAUL
                    Hey, Nick. I'm Paul, Sheeni's
                    brother.
          Nick comes up the path to meet him.

                              NICK
                    Hello, Paul. How did you know my
                    name?

                                 PAUL
                    We've met.

                              NICK
                    No we haven't.

                              PAUL
                    In a previous life.

                                 NICK
                    Oh.
          Paul begins rolling a joint.

                              PAUL
                    Nice fire in Berkeley.

          

                                                                    64.

          

                              NICK
                    Did Sheeni tell you that was me?

                              PAUL
                    She didn't have to.

                              NICK
                    Why? Was I an arsonist in a
                    previous life?

                              PAUL
                    No. But Sheeni was.

                              NICK
                    My God. What did she burn?

                              PAUL
                    Men. Men and boys.
          Paul hands the joint out to Nick. He regards it dubiously.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          An empty hallway. PSYCHEDELIC SOUND plays.
          Nick comes around the corner, literally floating down the
          hall. He breaststrokes through the air toward us.

          INT. GEORGE AND LACEY'S ROOM - DAY

          He passes just under the door frame and comes down, feet
          touching carpet. He looks into the mirror and finds Fran�ois
          lounging on the bed behind him.

                              NICK
                    My God, Fran�ois! What was Paul
                    smoking?

                              FRANCOIS
                    Shut up and go with it.
          Nick shrugs and opens the top dresser drawer, revealing
          Lacey's lingerie.
          Nick starts dancing, doing a strip tease for himself. WE PAN
          AROUND the room, and when we reach Nick again, he's wearing
          nothing but a pair of Lacey's thongs.
          He models in front of the mirror, regarding his bulging T.E.
          He removes a C-cup bra and holds it high. He uses the elastic
          straps to fasten the bra onto his head.
          He starts dancing up a storm to the cheesy Vengaboys
          rendition of BRAZIL in his head. Waving arms. Bicycling leg
          movements.

          

                                                                  65.

          
          As he backs up we can see that George is watching him from
          the doorway, a Safeway bag in his arms. Lacey peers over his
          shoulder. The MUSIC halts abruptly.

                              GEORGE
                    What the... What the hell?
          Nick gives a startled jump.

                              LACEY
                    Is..? Is that my bra?

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - NIGHT

          Nick sits at the table, considerably more clothed and sober.
          George works on a jug of zin.

                              GEORGE
                    We're calling that fruitcake
                    display strike one. Two more
                    strikes and it's back to Oakland.
          Nick nods. The front door opens and MRS. CRAMPTON enters with
          Safeway bags of her own. Dwayne follows close behind her.

                                 DWAYNE
                    Hey, Nick!
          Albert barks and jumps at Dwayne's feet.

                              NICK
                    Uh... Hi, Dwayne. What are you
                    doing here?

                              DWAYNE
                    Ain't ya heard. We're gonna be
                    roommates! Ain't that zinky?
          Nick looks to his father in horror as Dwayne goes chasing
          after the dog.

                              MRS. CRAMPTON
                    Dwayne, get yer dumb ass back here
                    and take yer sleepin' pill. You
                    must be Nick. Wash yer hands, boy.
                    I don't serve two shifts.

                              NICK
                    Uh... Dad? What's going on?

                              GEORGE
                    Mrs. Crampton's our new
                    housekeeper. I'm renting out the
                    spare room to her seeing as her
                    camper has been deemed unfit for
                    human habitation.

          

                                                                     66.

          

                              NICK
                    What about Dwayne?

                              GEORGE
                    He's bunking with you.

                              NICK
                    Dad!

                              GEORGE
                    You working on strike two?
          Nick leans back and glares in silent protest as everyone
          takes their seats at the table.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick tries to shut out the sound of Dwayne getting into the
          creaky bed behind him.

                              DWAYNE
                    Say, Nick. You wanna sleep in bed
                    with me? It'll be tons warmer.

                              NICK
                    No thank you, Dwayne.
          A knock at the door. Lacey enters.

                              LACEY
                    This came for you, Nick.
          Nick sits up in bed to receive the letter. As Lacey leaves,
          he tears through the wax seal and unfolds its contents.

                              DWAYNE
                    Is it a love letter, Nick?

                              NICK
                    I don't know, it's in French. Say,
                    why does your mother give you
                    sleeping pills?

                              DWAYNE
                    `Cuz otherwise I'd stay up all
                    night playin' Nintendo Wii. Say,
                    Nick, can I walk Albert?

                              NICK
                    I don't know. Dogs don't grow on
                    trees.

                              DWAYNE
                    Pleeease, Nick?

          

                                                                  67.

          

                              NICK
                    Okay. But it will cost you one
                    sleeping pill per walk.

                              DWAYNE
                    Whatchu want them pills for, Nick?

                              NICK
                    You never know when sedatives will
                    come in handy.

          EXT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          Nick emerges from the home. He makes his way down the road.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          He stops at the familiar sight of My Green Haven. He gets an
          amused smile and sighs with nostalgia.
          The front door of the trailer opens and Lefty emerges. Nick
          furrows his brow in confusion as Lefty locks the door and
          comes down the path.

                              NICK
                    Lefty?

                              LEFTY
                    Oh. Hey, Nick!

                              NICK
                    Lefty, what are you doing here?

                              LEFTY
                    I live here. The guy's only
                    charging me fifty in cash a month.

                              NICK
                    I mean, what are you doing in town?

                              LEFTY
                    I did what you told me, Nick. I
                    threw my backpack off the pier and
                    reported my own suicide. I even
                    left a note.

                              NICK
                    Wow, Lefty, I'm kinda impressed.
                    Faking your suicide is pretty
                    ballsy.
          Lefty joins Nick in his walk down the road.

                              LEFTY
                    So where you headed?

          

                                                                  68.

          

                              NICK
                    Redwood High School.

                              LEFTY
                    Can I come?

                              NICK
                    Why would you want to go to school
                    if you didn't have to?

                              LEFTY
                    It's weird, Nick, but school seems
                    like a pretty fun place to hang out
                    once you get rid of classes and
                    homework.

                              NICK
                    I can see this stunt really has
                    liberated your mind.

                              LEFTY
                    I'm telling you, Nick: killing
                    myself was the best thing that ever
                    happened to me.

          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

          A rowdy cafeteria. Lefty and Nick dine in the corner. Nick
          has an open French textbook as he tries to decipher Sheeni's
          letter. An Indian boy, VIJAY JOSHI, 16, makes his way to
          them.

                              VIJAY
                    May I sit at your table?

                              LEFTY
                    Sure. I'm Lefty and this is Nick.

                              VIJAY
                    I am Vijay Joshi.
          Vijay sits and shakes their hands.

                              VIJAY
                    I see you both have been rejected
                    by the socially elite of our
                    school. Ukiah is a cultural
                    wasteland compared to India. Though
                    some of the girls are very
                    attractive.

                              NICK
                    Do you have a girlfriend?

                              VIJAY
                    Not at the moment. But I am
                    optimistic. How about you?

          

                                                                     69.

          

                              NICK
                    Yes, but she transferred.

                              VIJAY
                    You don't mean Sheeni Saunders. I
                    heard she was interested in some
                    brilliant fellow in the Bay Area.

                              LEFTY
                    Hey, that's you, Nick.

                              VIJAY
                    I'm surprised. You are not at all
                    what I imagined.
          Nick narrows his eyes.

                              VIJAY
                    So how is Sheeni?

                              NICK
                    I don't know. She sent me this
                    letter. But it's in French.

                              VIJAY
                    Shall I translate it for you?

                              NICK
                    You speak French?

                              VIJAY
                    I speak French, English, Hindi,
                    Marathi, and Urdu.

                              LEFTY
                    That must come in handy.
          Nick hands over the letter and Vijay starts reading it
          silently. He chuckles as he reads and Nick squints his eyes
          at him in annoyance.
          Vijay picks up on it, clears his throat and reads aloud.

                              VIJAY
                    Dear, Nick...

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - SUNSET

          In Nick's imagination, Sheeni puts pen to paper at her desk
          which affords a view of the sun setting on the ocean.

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    ...I am writing you from my room in
                    Santa Cruz. Surprisingly, boarding
                    school has proven to be a welcome
                    liberation as well as...

          

                                                                     70.

          

          INT. GIRL'S BATHROOM - NIGHT


                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    ...a stimulating experience which I
                    am now not so quick to change.
          Sheeni slips into a nightgown as other GIRLS walk around
          scantily clad behind her.

                              SHEENI
                    Perhaps you should consider
                    learning French and enrolling. That
                    said...

          INT. �COLE DES ARTS ET LITT�RATURE - HALLWAY - DAY

          Sheeni chats up a gathering of HANDSOME BOYS in the hall.
          They regard her lustfully.

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    ...English cannot be spoken on
                    campus even if you are hemorrhaging
                    from an accidental limb amputation.

          INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY


                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    I have made friends with the head
                    of the girls' basketball team. Her
                    name is Heather, and despite her
                    popularity, she is saving herself
                    for college boys.
          HEATHER, a slender giantess, poses with the other members of
          the BASKETBALL TEAM for a yearbook photo.

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT


                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    I have an interesting roommate from
                    New York named Taggarty...
          TAGGARTY, short dark hair, intense green eyes, Manhattan
          sophistication cloaked in fragile ripeness, snaps a Polaroid
          of a sleepy BOY.

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    She has already slept with
                    seventeen boys and hopes to rack up
                    fifty before leaving here.
          Taggarty tacks the picture to a wall covered with Polaroids.
          She writes the boy's grade (C-) beneath his image.

          EXT. BEACH - DAY

          The distant figure on the windsurf board can only be Trent.

          

                                                                     71.

          

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    Trent has taken up windsurfing and
                    has been designated target number
                    one by all the girls. I am still
                    very angry at him for the betrayal
                    but he claims he wants to mend our
                    friendship.
          The figure falls into the surf and the crowd of watching
          BIKINI-CLAD GIRLS gasp in horror.

                              SHEENI (V.O.)
                    I guess we shall see.

          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY


                              VIJAY

                        (READING)
                    All in all, I'm happy and look
                    forward to further growth in this
                    rich, intellectual environment.
          Vijay sets down the letter. Nick waits a beat, staring in
          disbelief.

                              NICK
                    That's it? Nothing else about me?
          Vijay picks up the letter again.

                              VIJAY
                    Oh yes... Love to you and Albert.
                        (setting down the letter)
                    Who's Albert?

                              NICK
                    Albert is our dog. This is a
                    disaster. What the hell does she
                    mean Trent wants to mend the
                    relationship?

                               VIJAY
                    I don't know, but this Taggarty
                    girl sounds very uninhibited. I
                    wonder if she's made it with a
                    Hindu yet.

                              LEFTY
                    Heather sounds like a babe. You
                    think if I grew a beard I'd pass
                    for college age?

                              NICK
                    I've got to get to Sheeni as soon
                    as possible. If I don't Trent
                    Preston is going to mindfuck her
                    into thinking she doesn't like me.

          

                                                                  72.

          

                              LEFTY
                    And then he'll probably fuck her in
                    other ways. Did you know you're
                    supposed to put your pinkie in a
                    girl's bumhole, Vijay?

                              NICK
                    Will you shut up and help me out?

                              LEFTY
                    Sorry, Nick. What should we do?

                              NICK
                    I suggest we steal my father's BMW
                    and take a trip to Santa Cruz.
                    Vijay, you'll have to be our
                    translator.

                              VIJAY
                    But what will we tell our parents?

                              LEFTY
                    You can tell your father you are
                    staying at Nick's house for the
                    weekend. And visa versa.

                              NICK
                    Good thinking.

                              VIJAY
                    But what if we are caught?

                              NICK
                    To hell with it, Vijay. It's time
                    to take action!
          THREE CUTS. The JINGLE as Nick removes his Dad's keys from
          the bureau. The trunk SLAMMING closed with the sleeping bags
          inside. The ROAR of the engine as Vijay's hand turns the key
          in the ignition.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - DAY
          As Vijay drives, Lefty holds up a road map in the back seat.
          Nick places a CD in the stereo and TAKE FIVE fills the car.

                              LEFTY
                    What is this music, Nick?

                              NICK
                    It's Dave Brubeck.
                        (to Vijay)
                    I thought a person as cultured as
                    yourself would appreciate it.

          

                                                                     73.

          

                              VIJAY
                    You want culture? I will give you
                    culture.
          Vijay puts in his own CD and Ravi Shankar's TARANA blasts
          from the speakers.
          Nick gives Vijay a grin of approval. MUSIC PLAYS OVER...

          EXT. REDWOOD FORESTS - DAY

          WE FLY through the forest to keep up with the Beamer.

          EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

          The BMW passes cars on the Golden Gate Bridge.

          EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY

          The Beamer navigates the winding curves of the highway where
          green hills meet the Pacific Ocean.

          EXT. �COLE DES ARTS ET LITT�RATURE - DUSK

          The car pulls to a stop in the parking lot, the school
          looming beyond, slightly obfuscated by a light drizzle. The
          music cuts out with the engine.

          EXT. �COLE DES ARTS ET LITT�RATURE - GROUNDS - DUSK

          The grouping of BOYS part as we move through them. Finally,
          we reach the center of their attention...
          Sheeni, Taggarty, and Heather standing together in their
          coats.

                              SHEENI
                    Nickie?
          Nick, Vijay, and Lefty are noticeably shorter than the older
          boys around them.

                              NICK
                    Hello, Sheeni.
                        (to Taggarty and Heather)
                    Hi, I'm Nick.

                              TAGGARTY
                    Oh. So you're Nick.

                              HEATHER
                    We've heard so much about you.

                              NICK
                    And this is Vijay. And this is
                    Lefty. Lefty goes to USC.

          

                                                                  74.

          

                              LEFTY
                    And I'm not gay.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick, I knew you'd come!
          Sheeni glances over at the disapproving MATRON. She leans in
          close.

                              SHEENI
                    ...but you must wait in the car
                    until we can sneak you in.
          Nick nods in understanding.

          INT. GIRLS' DORM - HALLWAY - NIGHT

          An empty hall. The SNEAKY STRINGS of NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN.
          Sheeni rounds the corner at the far end. As she and Heather
          sneak the boys down, the other OCCUPANTS of the floor giggle
          in French and dart from door to door in near-undress.

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

          A cement cubicle just big enough for a bunk bed, two small
          desks, an army surplus dresser, and a stuffed armchair.
          Sheeni pulls a nightgown from the dresser.

                              HEATHER
                    Lefty, should maybe sleep in my
                    room. It's pretty crowded in here.

                              LEFTY
                    Your roommate won't mind?

                              HEATHER
                    Oh, Darlene went home for the
                    weekend.
          Lefty gulps and picks up his grip. He pauses in the hallway.

                              LEFTY
                    Well, see you guys in the morning.
          The door closes and Vijay and Nick exchange a knowing glance.

                              SHEENI
                    Pardon me, everyone.
          Sheeni steps into the tiny closet to change. Vijay and Nick
          regard the...

          WALL OF TAGGARTY'S CONQUESTS
          a series of mug shots of sullen-looking TEENAGE BOYS. Most of
          them have been given a grade of C- or below.

          

                                                                    75.

          

                              NICK
                    There's your competition.

                              VIJAY
                    A distinguished group I would be
                    happy to join.
          The two boys turn around and watch in hot-blooded bliss as
          Taggarty searches for her misplaced nightie.

          INT. GIRL'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

          The two boys brush their pearlies over the grungy sink.

                              VIJAY
                    I am in a state of sexual frenzy.
                    What is your plan?

                              NICK
                    We drape a blanket over the lower
                    bunk for Sheeni and me. You tackle
                    Taggarty on the top bunk. Here's a
                    condom. I slipped two to Lefty,
                    leaving us with four.

                              VIJAY
                    What if they don't go for it?

                              NICK
                    They'll go for it. You can cut the
                    sexual tension in that room with a
                    knife.

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT


                              SHEENI
                    Don't be silly, darling. Not with
                    others in the room.
                        (leaning in to whisper)
                    We must wait until everyone falls
                    asleep.
          Nick tries to appear unconcerned. She gives him a kiss and
          climbs into her narrow bed.
          As Nick and Vijay prepare their sleeping bags on the floor,
          they watch Taggarty climb up to her bunk in the sky.

                              TAGGERTY
                    Goodnight boys. Do you need the
                    light on to take off your clothes?

                              NICK
                    No.
                        (flipping off the light)
                    We can find our zippers in the
                    dark.

          

                                                                    76.

          
          A beat of BLACKNESS. Then a light tap at the door.
          There is the sound of Sheeni getting out of bed. She cracks
          the door, letting in just enough light from the hall that a
          MALE SHADOW gets cast across the two boys on the floor.
          Nick squints and tries to hear what Sheeni and the male
          shadow are whispering to each other.
          After a beat, Sheeni closes the door and the room plunges
          into BLACKNESS once again. Nick listens as Sheeni climbs back
          into bed as if nothing happened.

                                 NICK
                    Sheeni?

                                 SHEENI
                    Yes, Nick?

                              NICK
                    Was that the matron?

                                 SHEENI
                    No.
          Beat.

                              NICK
                    Then who was it?

                              SHEENI
                    It was Trent.
          Beat.

                              NICK
                    Did you say it was Trent?

                              SHEENI
                    Yes. He came to discuss our
                    friendship. I told him now was not
                    the time.

                              NICK
                    So where is Trent now?

                               SHEENI
                    I assume he went back to the boys'
                    dorm. Now really, Nickie, you are
                    keeping everyone awake with your
                    inquiries.
          Though silence follows, we take a moment to allow Nick's mind
          to race in the dark. He stands and looks at the mirror above
          the dresser. Fran�ois can be made out sitting by the window
          in the moonlight, stroking the Thompson.

          

                                                                    77.

          

                              FRAN�OIS
                    Now is our chance.

                              NICK
                    Chance for what?

                              FRAN�OIS
                    To confront our nemesis. We must go
                    to the boys' dorm and kill Trent
                    where he sleeps.

                              NICK
                    I suppose we should at least get a
                    look at him. To see what we're
                    dealing with.

                               FRAN�OIS
                    Very well.
                        (stubbing out his

                         CIGARETTE)
                    You see what we are dealing with...
                    and zen I wll deal wiz it.
          And with that he cocks the Thompson for dramatic flare.

          INT. GIRLS' DORM - HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Nick emerges from the room in nothing but his underwear and a
          whindbreaker. He creeps down the hall.

          EXT. ECOLE DES ARTS ET LITTERATURE - GROUNDS - NIGHT

          The school SECURITY VAN crawls by in the background, a
          searchlight sweeping the grounds.
          The moment it is out of sight, Nick darts from the bushes of
          the girls' dorm and races across the campus to the boys'
          dorm.

          INT. BOYS DORM - HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Nick makes his way down the hall, checking the names on the
          colored paper cut-out shapes that adorn the doors.
          He stops and backtracks when he spots the door that boasts
          the names TRENT and ED.
          Nick knocks on the door.
          It opens inward to reveal a bare-chested, hulking athlete in
          a pajama pants. This is ED SOLOMON.

                              NICK
                    Trent?

                              ED
                    No. Who the hell are you?

          

                                                                   78.

          

                              NICK
                    I am Nick Twisp.

                              ED
                    Oh, so you're Nick.

                              NICK
                    Is Trent here?

                              ED
                    You just missed him, Nick. He just
                    grabbed a couple condoms and left.

                              NICK
                    Did he say where he was going?

                              ED
                    I think he said he was going to
                    Heather's room.

                              NICK
                    But that's where Lefty is. Who are
                    you?

                              ED
                    Ed. Ed Solomon. Trent's roommate.

                              NICK
                    Oh, so you're Ed.

                              ED
                    What's that supposed to mean?

                              NICK
                    Nothing. It's just that Sheeni
                    mentioned Trent has a thing for a
                    guy named Ed, and that he touches
                    the guy when he falls asleep. But
                    obviously if that were you, you'd
                    know about it. Must be a different
                    Ed Solomon. Take care now.
          Nick takes off running and Ed stares after him.

          EXT. ECOLE DES ARTS ET LITTERATURE - GROUNDS - NIGHT

          The security van continues to make its rounds. We find Nick
          crouching behind the steps to the boys dorm.
          He pulls the hood of his windbreaker over his head and takes
          a deep breath.
          As the searchlight passes by, he makes a break for it.
          TRACK with Nick as he darts from one form of cover to the
          next, perhaps accompanied by the imagined sounds of mortar
          blasts and machine gun turret fire.

          

                                                                  79.

          

          
          At long last he reaches the girls' dorm undetected.

          INT. GIRLS' DORM - HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Nick bangs on the door. Heather answers in little more than a
          G-string and Nick seems to forget his mission just long
          enough to appreciate her body.

                              HEATHER
                    What's up, Nick?

                              NICK
                    Is Trent in there?

                              HEATHER
                    Not anymore.

                              NICK
                    What happened to Lefty?

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    I'm right here, Nick.
          Nick peers past Heather where he finds Lefty standing naked
          in the moonlight.

                              HEATHER
                    Trent was here, but he left. He
                    only dropped by to lend us a couple
                    more condoms.

                              NICK
                    But I gave Lefty two already.

                              HEATHER
                    Yes, and that was very generous of
                    you, but the night is young.

                              NICK
                    So what is Trent, the fucking
                    condom faerie!?!

                              LEFTY
                    You can have one of ours, Nick. If
                    you need one.
          The fact that Nick doesn't yet raises his temperament even
          further.

                              NICK
                    So where did he say he was going?

                              HEATHER
                    He didn't say, but I'm pretty sure
                    I just saw him go into our bathroom
                    down the hall.

          

                                                                    80.

          

                              NICK
                    Thanks. Oh, and I'd be careful with
                    those condoms. Trent's roommate Ed
                    said that Trent pokes holes in them
                    so that he can get Sheeni pregnant
                    and be with her forever.
          And with that piece of disturbing info, he leaves them.

          INT. GIRL'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

          There is the CLAP of thunder outside as Nick throws open the
          door to the girls' bathroom. He looks around with murderous
          rage.
          There comes the sound of someone vomiting.
          Nick kicks in the stall and finds BERNICE LYNCH, 17, a thin
          platinum haired girl with six earrings per lobe. She hurls
          into the toilet again and turns around to find Nick.

                              BERNICE
                    Who are you?

                              NICK
                    I'm Sheeni's friend, Nick. Sorry to
                    disturb you.

                               BERNICE
                    That's OK. It was something I ate.
                    So wait, are you Sheeni's
                    boyfriend?

                                NICK
                    Uh, yeah.

                              BERNICE
                    My name's Bernice. Bernice Lynch.
                    Not that you asked.

                              NICK
                    Nice to meet you Bernice. Actually,
                    I think Trent Preston mentioned
                    you. He said you were frumpy, but
                    now that I've met you, I can see
                    Trent is a lying bastard.

                              BERNICE
                    Thanks. And Trent can go to hell
                    for all I care. Sheeni too.

                              NICK
                    You don't like Sheeni?

          

                                                                     81.

          

                              BERNICE
                    Personally, I hate her guts. Well,
                    pardon me, Nick. I feel like
                    throwing up some more now.

                              NICK
                    You didn't happen to see Trent
                    Preston did you?
          She waves him away as she bends over the sink to hurl again.
          Then lifts her face and smiles through the dripping bile.

                              BERNICE
                    I did actually. I think he was on
                    his way to Sheeni's room.
          Nick's eyes widen in alarm.

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick enters the dark room to the sound of the bed squeaking.
          Vijay and Taggarty grunt away on the top bunk.
          He watches the moon lit forms thumping together.
          He turns his attention to the sleeping beauty on the bottom
          bunk. He moves toward her.
          She blinks, waking and smiles at the sight of him.

                                 NICK
                    Sheeni?

                              SHEENI
                    Yes, darling.

                              NICK
                    Was Trent here?

                                 SHEENI
                    Yes, Nick.
          Nick hangs his head.

                              SHEENI
                    But I sent him away again.
          Nick stares into her eyes to discern her honesty, but he
          finds nothing but adoration.

                              SHEENI
                    Because I want you, darling. Not
                    even Trent can match the
                    industriousness and tenacity with
                    which you have pursued me.

          

                                                                     82.

          
          She smiles. Nick smiles too. She reaches out to pull him into
          her bed as...
          The door to the room slams open and they are suddenly backlit
          by the harsh beam of the matron's flashlight.

                              MATRON
                    Q'est que c'est passer ici?!?
          Nick bolts upright, smacking his head against the top bunk.
          He lands on the floor, where he gets a view of... Trent
          standing behind the matron. The blinding light makes his
          features difficult to make out but his white teeth are
          definitely smiling diabolically.

          EXT. GIRLS' DORM - NIGHT

          The boys come out of the front door of the dormitory, the
          matron, flanked by SCHOOL SECURITY GUARDS, hot on their
          heels. The girls in the dorm appear on the balcony in droves,
          cheering the boys' escape.
          Vijay's pants fall to his ankles, tripping him up.
          Nick and Lefty grab Vijay by the arms and pull him up again
          as if he were a wounded war buddy in a retreat from the
          Vietnamese Army.
          They reach the Beamer at the edge of the grounds. Nick gets
          in first. Lefty dives through the back window, legs kicking.
          Vijay slams the door just as the matron and her security team
          catches up to them. The authorities bang on the windows as
          Nick peels out.
          INDIAN POP blares from the car. They speed off into the
          night.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - NIGHT
          Lefty lets out a holler of joy.

                              LEFTY
                    I did it three times! Two long ones
                    and a quickie.

                              NICK
                    Great. Just great. How about you,
                    Vijay?

                              VIJAY
                    It was difficult to tell with that
                    condom, Nick. Why did you buy such
                    thick ones?

                               NICK
                    That brand was top-rated by
                    Consumers.

          

                                                                  83.

          

                              VIJAY
                    Well, she's safe. No organism could
                    penetrate those walls.

                              NICK
                    You think the girls are in trouble?

                              VIJAY
                    They will likely notify their
                    parents. Perhaps even expel them.

                              NICK
                    That's it! Expel them. Then Sheeni
                    will have to come back to Ukiah.
          The car sputters. Nick's eyes go to the gas gauge.

          EXT. HIGHWAY 101 - RAINING - NIGHT

          The rain is coming down again. Nick shivers in his underwear.
          Vijay isn't in much more and Lefty's sheet is drenched.

                              VIJAY
                    What will we do?

                              NICK
                    Well, we can't stay in the car.
                    Sooner or later Highway Patrol is
                    going to come by and ask for our
                    non-existent driver's license.

                              LEFTY
                    But we have no money!

                              VIJAY
                    I have no shoes! I'll catch
                    pneumonia and die a indeterminate
                    proto-quasi-virgin!

          EXT. HIGHWAY 101 - RAINING - NIGHT

          A couple coins are inserted into a roadside pay phone. There
          is ringing on the other end.

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    Hello?

                              NICK
                        (into phone)
                    Mom? It's Nick. I'm sorry to wake
                    you, but I'm hoping you'll help
                    your only son. Especially seeing as
                    it would really piss off Dad.
          A long beat.

          

                                                                    84.

          

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    Where are you, Nick?

          EXT. HIGHWAY 101 - RAINING - NIGHT

          The three boys are still standing in the rain by the pay
          phone. The three of them huddle under their only windbreaker.
          A pair of headlights appear in the rain. The headlights flash
          twice and Nick runs out into the road.

          POV TRUCK DRIVER
          Nick waving frantically in nothing but tightie-whities.
          The truck pulls to a stop and the passenger door opens to
          reveal, the driver, a man named WALLY RUMPKIN, a seven foot
          tall giant in a plaid shirt and bib overalls. He looks down
          at our three waylaid adventurers.

                              WALLY
                    Pardon me. But is one of you Nick
                    Twisp?
          The two other boys exchange confused glances, not entirely if
          this is how people go missing.

                              NICK
                    Yeah. I'm Nick.

                              WALLY
                    I'm Wally. I'm a friend of your
                    mom's.
          Nick nods, not yet sure whether or not this gentle giant is
          actually blushing with shyness or red with agitation at being
          sent on a midnight mission.

                              WALLY
                    So, uhm, uh... Your mom says you
                    need a ride. Did I mention I'm a
                    friend?
          Nick breaks into a smile. Finally the Gods have cut him a
          break.

          INT. ESTELLE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

          Wally and Estelle watch the three semi-clothed boys shovel in
          fried liver with no complaint.

                              ESTELLE
                    Wally was a friend of Jerry's. He
                    came to help me in my time of
                    mourning.

          

                                                                  85.

          

                              NICK
                    What happened to Lance?
          Estelle's face registers "none of your business," but a kind
          look from Wally and she softens.

                              ESTELLE
                    Lance is busy training to be a
                    detective. He isn't around as much
                    as he used to be.
          Nick nods and goes back to eating.

                              ESTELLE
                    Mr. Rumpkin is very smart. Ask him
                    a question, Nick.

                              NICK
                    Okay. Mr. Rumpkin, what famous
                    actress was married to Frank
                    Sinatra, Artie Shaw, and Mickey
                    Rooney?

                              LEFTY
                    Whoever she is, she sure gets
                    around.

                              WALLY
                    Ava Gardner.
          Estelle smiles with pride. Nick and the other boys regard the
          gentle giant with admiration. He bashfully averts his eyes.

                              ESTELLE
                    That's nothing. You should see what
                    he did with the living room.

          INT. ESTELLE'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

          Nick and the other two boys pause in the doorway.
          Where once the Chevy occupied the space, the living room was
          now fairly returned to it's normal uncluttered state with all
          the furniture placed back in the original positions.
          At some point Wally must have sawed a hole in the wall shared
          by the living and dining areas because the Chevy now occupies
          that hole and has been painted and decorated such that it has
          achieved an almost seamless blend with the wall.
          Estelle goes and takes a seat on the couch.

                              ESTELLE
                    Go ahead, Wally. Show them.
          Wally blushes before he flips a switch and the tail lights
          come on, giving the living room a warm, flattering glow.

          

                                                                     86.

          

                                NICK, LEFTY, VIJAY
                    Ooooooh.
          Wally flips another switch and the car's radio turns on.

                                NICK, LEFTY, VIJAY
                    Aaaaaaah.
          Wally makes a slightly embarrassed gesture of scratching his
          head before lumbering over to the couch and taking a seat
          next to Estelle.
          Nick watches as Wally puts his arm around his mother and they
          listen to the Chevy play them Elvis' LOVE ME TENDER.
          The two adults snuggle in the glow of the tail lights and it
          brings an unexpected rush of caring in his expression.

          EXT. UKIAH - DAY

          The truck rumbles to a stop and the three boys climb out.
          Nick looks, over his shoulder at Wally blushing behind the
          wheel of the truck.

                               WALLY
                    Well, uhm... It was nice meeting
                    you, Nick.

                              NICK
                    You too, Mr. Rumpkin.
          Wally blushes even more. He closes the door and starts to
          turn the truck around. Nick watches him go. Wally waves
          goodbye.
          Nick turns and the three boys make their way down the dusty
          road.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          Lacey works up a sweat to Billy Blank. Nick comes through the
          door. He's still in his underwear.

                              NICK
                    Where's Dad?

                              LACEY
                    In the bedroom. I wouldn't bother
                    him, Nick. He's in a foul mood.
                    He's on with the police. Apparently
                    someone broke in and stole his
                    Beamer.
          Lacey gives Nick an amused smile.

                              GEORGE (O.S.)
                    Lacey! Get in here!

          

                                                                  87.

          
          Lacey rolls her eyes and heads for the bedroom. Nick sits
          down with Dwayne at the breakfast table.

                              DWAYNE
                    Nick, you got a girlfriend?

                                 NICK
                    Yes, I do.

                              DWAYNE
                    If you asked your girlfriend as a
                    favor, would she do it with me?

                              NICK
                    Guys don't share their girlfriends.

                              DWAYNE
                    I get ya. You're worried `cause
                    your girlfriend might get knocked
                    up. What if I pull out, Nick?
          Nick seethes inwardly. There comes a ruckus from the back
          bedroom and Lacey emerges.

                              LACEY
                    It's not my fault, you tight-assed,
                    critical, nonfeeling, sexist drunk.

                              GEORGE (O.S.)
                    Sticks and stones. It doesn't
                    bother me if you sleep on the couch
                    from now on.

                              LACEY
                    Does it bother you that you're a
                    selfish, uptight, boring lover?

                              NICK
                    You forgot lousy driver!
          George appears in the doorway.

                              GEORGE
                    That's strike two, jerkoff!
          Nick hangs his head. George moves about the kitchen chugging
          from a jug of zin. Lacey picks up the ringing phone.

                               LACEY
                    Hello?

                        (PAUSE)
                    Thank you.
          Lacey hangs up the phone.

          

                                                                  88.

          

                              LACEY
                    They found your car in Davenport,
                    George. Go pick it up.

                              GEORGE
                    Look who's wearing the pants this
                    morning.
          Lacey takes a seat next to Nick and sighs.

                              LACEY
                    Nick, I feel for you. It must be
                    tough being a teenager in this
                    house.

                              NICK
                    My mother wasn't any better.

                              LACEY
                    Your mom has had a difficult time.
                    She has had a great deal to put up
                    with. I'm starting to appreciate
                    that now.

                              GEORGE
                    Are you by any chance referring to
                    me?

                              LACEY
                    If the shoe fits, suck on it.
          George swills some zin and mumbles ominously.

                              GEORGE
                    We'll see who's sucking on what
                    soon.

          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY


                              VIJAY
                    I spoke with Taggarty this morning.
                    She requested a wallet sized photo.
          Nick looks up glumly from his lunch. Lefty has his feet up on
          the table, his facial growth is almost respectable.

                              LEFTY
                    Congratulations, Vijay. That makes
                    it official. Welcome to the club.
          Nick narrows his eyes at the two non-virgins.

                              NICK
                    What grade did you receive?

          

                                                                    89.

          

                              VIJAY
                    A C+. Which I feel is perfectly
                    satisfactory given the conditions.

                              LEFTY
                    I guess this means they're not
                    being expelled.

                              VIJAY
                    No, apparently they convinced the
                    matron it was all quite innocent.

                              NICK
                    Are you kidding? She had her
                    flashlight trained on your Hindi
                    boner!
          A beat. Lefty and Vijay seem taken aback by the outburst.

                              VIJAY
                    No need to be jealous, Nick.
          Nick stands and collects his lunch tray.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    If I'm to get Sheeni expelled and
                    sent back to me I will need a
                    partner in crime.

          INT. REDWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - COMPUTER LAB - DAY

          Nick enters the computer lab and finds an open machine.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Luckily, Fran�ois has a girl on the
                    inside.
          Nick begins typing and speaking out loud.

                              NICK
                    Dear Bernice, it was nice meeting
                    you this weekend in the bathroom.

          INT. BERNICE'S ROOM - DAY

          Bernice reads the letter.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I just want you to know I now see
                    why you loath Sheeni Saunders so
                    strongly.

          INT. HEADMASTER'S OFFICE - DAY

          Sheeni, Taggarty, and Heather sit across from the HEADMASTER
          as the matron describes the events.

          

                                                                  90.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I too have come to despise the
                    snooty, pretentious brunette and in
                    all honesty you should probably get
                    her expelled. I am happy to help in
                    that regard.

          INT. BERNICE'S ROOM - DAY


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I have included a number of
                    sleeping pills with this note.
          Bernice dumps the pills from the envelope.

          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    You must introduce one of these
                    into her breakfast beverage each
                    day.
          Bernice sits next to Sheeni, despite the fact she's being
          ignored. Bernice drops a pill into Sheeni's coffee
          nonchalantly.

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          Sheeni watches the INSTRUCTOR.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    She may be intelligent, but she is
                    not likely to pass her courses when
                    she's falling asleep in class.
          Sheeni's head slips off her hand as she drifts off. We MOVE
          across the classroom to where Bernice scribbles in her
          notebook.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Since meeting you, I have come to
                    realize my interest in Sheeni was
                    only a transient adolescent
                    infatuation. I like you more than I
                    can say. Take courage. Together we
                    will outsmart these cake eaters.
          A view of the notebook shows her to be scribbling Nick's name
          with hearts. She flips through pages of obsession.

          INT. REDWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - COMPUTER LAB - DAY

          Nick's fingers fly across the keys. He looks pleased with
          himself.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Affectionately yours, Nick.

          

                                                                     91.

          
          He looks around for observers, looks back at the screen
          pensively, and resumes typing.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    P.S. Please destroy this note
                    immediately.

          ON A MAILBOX
          As Nick deposits his letter.

          EXT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - EVENING

          Nick wanders up the drive. WE FOLLOW him into the house.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - CONTINUOUS

          ...where he comes upon the sight of Paul giving Lacey a foot
          message on the couch.

                              NICK
                    Where's Dad?

                              LACEY

                        (DREAMILY)
                    Daddy is in Davenport. Where you
                    left his car.

                              PAUL
                    We saved you some mushrooms, Nick.
          Nick watches the sensual foot message. He picks up the bag
          full of mushrooms and considers them.

          INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

          Nick pukes his guts into the sink.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick's in bed reading Lovemaking for Advanced Gourmets.
          He glances up at Dwayne playing Nintendo and scowls.
          There comes the strange warbled sound of a TRUMPET from the
          next room, and it is joined by other instruments until we
          hear The Nutley Brass' rendition of I WANT TO BE SEDATED.
          Nick furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

          ON THE BOOK
          as the nude figures suddenly BECOME ANIMATED, making
          wonderful love.
          Nick follows them with his eyes as they float off the page.

          

                                                                  92.

          
          WE FOLLOW Nick as he follows the nude figures who do
          acrobatics down...

          THE HALL
          and into...

          THE LIVING ROOM
          where Lacey watches Paul blow on his trumpet.
          Nick marvels. The phone rings.

                               LACEY
                     Nick? Get the phone?
          Nick picks up the phone and Paul takes his place at Lacey's
          feet.

                               NICK
                         (into phone)
                     Hello?

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - NIGHT
          George cradles the cell phone. WE INTERCUT.

                               GEORGE
                     Nick? Is that you?

                               NICK
                     I am Nick Twisp. I am alive. I am a
                     breathing organism.

                               GEORGE
                     Quit fooling around, Nick. This is
                     your dad. Is everything okay there?

                               NICK
                     Don't be afraid, Dad. Everything
                     will be okay. You deserve to be
                     loved.

                               GEORGE
                     What the hell is that supposed to
                     mean? Is Lacey there?

                               NICK
                     Lacey is here. Paul is caressing
                     her toes.

                               GEORGE
                     Paul! Who the hell is Paul?

          

                                                                     93.

          

                              NICK
                    Paul is our friend. He makes
                    beautiful music for the acrobats.
                    They're naked.

                              GEORGE
                    Who's naked? Is Lacey naked?

                              NICK
                    Don't be afraid, Dad. Goodbye.
          He hangs up the phone and pulls out the cord.
          He joins Paul in working Lacey's feet.

                              NICK
                    Dad is afraid.

                              LACEY
                    He is on the wrong path. I have
                    felt that for some time.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick watches the headlights from the arriving BMW travel
          across the walls.
          They go out. He listens to the front door being keyed
          followed by his father bellowing.
          Nick gets up and wanders into...

          LIVING ROOM
          where Paul stands between George and Lacey.

                              PAUL
                    Okay, George, just calm down.
          George lunges and Paul socks him in the eye, dropping him to
          the floor.

                              GEORGE
                    You are in serious trouble. You've
                    assaulted me and I know for a fact
                    that you two were having naked
                    orgies with my son. That child is
                    only twelve years old.
          George gets to his feet.

                              NICK
                    I'm sixteen, Dad.

          

                                                                  94.

          

                               GEORGE
                    Shut your pie hole!
                        (turning to Lacey and

                         PAUL)
                    That boy is an underaged minor. I'm
                    going to have you arrested and
                    charged with child molesting.

                               LACEY
                    Don't be an idiot, George. No one
                    was naked.

                              GEORGE
                    When you get out of prison, you
                    will both have to register as sex
                    offenders. You will never be able
                    to get a decent job again.

                              PAUL
                    I've never had a decent job. I
                    don't think I'd want one.

                              LACEY
                    Let's go, Paul. George, I'll pick
                    up the rest of my things tomorrow.

                              GEORGE
                    Not until you pay me the rest of
                    the money you owe.

                              LACEY
                    I paid you all your money!

                              GEORGE
                    Not the extra charges.
          She gets up in his face.

                              LACEY
                    Fuck-your-stinking-extra-charges.
          As Lacey and Paul depart, Nick turns and dreamily wanders
          back toward his room.

                              GEORGE (O.S.)
                    Using bad language in front of a
                    minor. The judge will hear about
                    that too.
          Nick gets back into his room and closes the door behind him.
          SWISH TO... Dwayne playing Nintendo naked. He looks over his
          shoulder.

                              DWAYNE
                    What's all the ruckus about?

          

                                                                  95.

          

                              NICK
                    Dwayne! Please cover yourself.

                              DWAYNE
                    You wanna play Nintendo all night?

                              NICK
                    Of course not. I'm tired. Let's go
                    to sleep.
          Nick unplugs the Nintendo and climbs into bed. Dwayne just
          sits there on the floor, naked as a clam.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - THE DEAD OF NIGHT


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    A strange night. I dreamed of
                    wrestling for what seemed like
                    hours with an amorous walrus...
          Nick squirms with an amorphous blob, they wrestle against the
          red abstract background.

          INT. NICK'S ROOM - MORNING

          Nick's bleary eyes snap open and wander to the floor, where
          his pajamas lie in a crumpled pile.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    There is only one explanation: I
                    have been Dwayned.
          A pillow whacks across a blubbery face.

                              NICK
                    Wake up! I know what you were doing
                    last night, you disgusting beast!

                              DWAYNE
                    Don't be mad, Nick. I like you.
          Dwayne throws off his sheets. Nick shudders at the sight.
          ...which is when Mrs. Crampton barges in..

                              MRS. CRAMPTON
                    Boys, time to get-- AHH! Dwayne!
                    Where's yer pajamas?

                              DWAYNE
                    Nick made me take them off, Mom. He
                    took off his too.

                              MRS. CRAMPTON
                    You leave my son alone. Don't go
                    co'rupt him with yer nastiness!

          

                                                                     96.

          

                              NICK
                    We weren't doing anything, Mrs.
                    Crampton. It was just hot last
                    night.

                              MRS. CRAMPTON
                    If you get hot, boys, open a
                    window. Don't go takin' off yer
                    pajamas. That's nasty.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          Nick dials on the phone. Behind him, Dwayne eats breakfast,
          cheerfully kicking his feet back and forth under the chair.

                               TAGGARTY (V.O.)
                    Bonjour.

                              NICK
                    Taggarty? It's Nick.

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - DAY

          Taggarty's at her desk. Her thick rimmed glasses almost make
          her look studious. WE INTERCUT.

                              TAGGARTY
                    Hey, Nick. I suppose you want to
                    talk to Sheeni.

                              NICK
                    If you please.
          Taggarty crosses to the bunks, where Sheeni is curled up
          among the sheets as if in some Renaissance portrait.

                              TAGGARTY
                    It's your would-be-lover.
          Sheeni sleepily takes the phone.

                               SHEENI
                    Nick?

                              NICK
                    Hello, My Beloved. How are you?

                              SHEENI
                    Not so well. I have been afflicted
                    with some kind of chronic fatigue.

                              NICK
                    Perhaps you are home sick. You do
                    sound rather blue.

          

                                                97.

          

                    SHEENI
          I'm not home sick, Nick. In fact,
          I'm not very happy with you.

                    NICK
          Me? What did I do?

                    SHEENI
          You know damn well, Nick. You've
          been spreading rumors about Trent.
          And he doesn't deserve it.

                    NICK
          Doesn't deserve it!?! I'd have to
          claim he has genital warts to sink
          to his level.

                    SHEENI
          Well, whatever you said to Ed
          Solomon, it was enough to get him
          to give Trent a black eye.

                    NICK
          Sheeni, I just don't get it. This
          guy has cock-blocked at every turn
          and you're taking his side?!?

                    SHEENI
          Cock-blocked?

              (SIGHS)
          We'll have to resume this another
          time, Nick. It's been an
          emotionally exhausting weekend. My
          parents are in an uproar over Paul.
          He's moved some floozie in with him
          up in the studio over the garage.

                    NICK
          Lacey's not a floozie.

                    SHEENI
          Lacey? You know her?

                    NICK
          Of course. She's my father's ex-
          girlfriend. I think that might make
          you my stepmother-in-law.

                    SHEENI
          Nick. Don't be gross.

                    NICK
          Sorry. At any rate, I'll let you
          go. We'll have plenty of time to
          settle this tomorrow.

          

                                                                     98.

          

                                SHEENI
                    Tomorrow?

                              NICK
                    Yes, Sheeni, Thanksgiving. I'll be
                    coming for dinner, of course.

                              SHEENI
                    Don't even think it, Nick. You know
                    my parents don't approve of you.

                              NICK
                    I'm confident they will learn to
                    love me. After all, I'm practically
                    family.

                              SHEENI
                    Nick, you must dismiss this
                    Thanksgiving notion from your mind.
                    I remain firm on this issue.
                    Goodbye.
          CLICK. Nick regards the phone defensively. He puts it down
          and takes a seat at the table.
          He glares at Dwayne as they eat breakfast. There comes a
          knock at the front door.

                              NICK
                    Don't move, blubber boy, I'll get
                    it.

          I/E. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY
          A POLICE OFFICER stands on the steps. Nick goes wide eyed at
          the sight of him and visibly slumps.

                              POLICE OFFICER
                    Is George Twisp in?

                              NICK
                    Uh, I'm pretty sure he's sleeping
                    off a hangover, Officer. Is he
                    under arrest?

                              POLICE OFFICER
                    Under arrest? No, I'm the officer
                    working the case of his stolen car.

                                NICK
                    Ah.

                              POLICE OFFICER
                    You can tell your pop that the CD
                    he found in his car is Ravi
                    Shankar.

          

                                                                  99.

          

                                 NICK
                    Excuse me?

                              POLICE OFFICER
                    Indian music. So we're a checkin'
                    the INS files, see if we can get
                    some prints that match. You
                    wouldn't know anyone who might have
                    stolen the car who listens to this
                    crap, would ya, son?

                              NICK
                    No, and I'm not sure I like the
                    implication. Ravi Shankar is
                    beloved by many Caucasian...

                              DWAYNE (O.S.)
                    What about Vijay Joshi?
          Nick stands stiff as a board. The officer peers around him at
          Dwayne sitting inside.

                              DWAYNE
                    I'm pretty sure he's Injun.
          The officer makes a note.

                              POLICE OFFICER
                        (to himself)
                    Vijay Joshi. We'll look into it.
                    Thank you, boys.
          Nick gives a weak smile and closes the door.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Mrs. Crampton complained to Dad
                    that I tried to corrupt the fat
                    pervert cohabitating with me.

          EXT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          Nick totes boxes of belongings from the house to the
          Crampton's dilapidated camper.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    He has deemed it strike three, but
                    is only banishing me as far as Mrs.
                    Crampton's condemned trailer.

          INT. CAMPER - NIGHT

          A view of the thin birch walls. We come to rest on Nick,
          shivering under an electric blanket. There's a blob of snot
          on his upper-lip.

          

                                                                    100.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    No matter. Tomorrow I will be
                    reunited with My Everlasting Love.
                    And I will not be stopped. Not by
                    an outbreak of the plague, nor by a
                    cruel return of the ice-age. Not
                    even by the Gods themselves.

          EXT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          The velvet voices of the Rat Pack come from the home.
          Nick emerges from the Camper wrapped in the electric blanket.
          He scurries into the house.

          INT. BATHRROOM - DAY

          Nick showers.
          Nick straightens his Garcia tie in the mirror. He applies
          hair gel.
          Nick examines the whitehead on his brow. He pinches and a
          glob of puss smacks the mirror.

          INT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - HALLWAY - DAY

          He emerges into the hall and dances with an invisible partner
          into the...

          LIVING ROOM
          where the phone RINGS. He flips off the stereo with the
          remote and snatches up the phone.

                              NICK
                    Twisp residence.

                                 ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    Nick?

                              NICK
                    Oh. Hey, Mom. What's up?

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    Nickie, I have some bad news!
          Nick sighs.

                              NICK
                    Okay. I'm ready. What is it?

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    I'm afraid Lance and Wally got into
                    a terrible row. He tried to arrest
                    Wally and Wally broke Lance's jaw.

          

                                                                    101.

          

                              NICK
                    What's the bad news?

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    The Berkeley police know you
                    started the fire. Lance told them
                    where you are.
          Nick glances up and sees the black and white patrol car
          pulling up outside.

                              ESTELLE (V.O.)
                    Nick, they're coming to arrest you!
          He slams down the phone.

          EXT. GEORGE'S MANUFACTURED HOME - DAY

          The window slides open and Nick comes crawling out, leaping
          to the ground. He takes off running through the woods.

          EXT. MY GREEN HAVEN - DAY

          Nick pounds on the door.

                              LEFTY (O.S.)
                    Nick?
          Nick turns to find Lefty coming up the path with two bags of
          groceries under his arms.

                              NICK
                    Lefty, have you seen Vijay, today?

                              LEFTY
                    Nick, haven't you heard? Vijay's
                    been arrested.

                              NICK
                    Arrested?!?

                              LEFTY
                    For grand theft auto. They found
                    his prints in your father's car.

                              NICK
                    That's terrible. Did he go quietly?

                              LEFTY
                    No. He said you were his accomplice
                    and now the Ukiah police are
                    looking for you!
          We linger a beat on Nick's blank expression. Then -

          

                                                                   102.

          

          EXT. WOODS - DUSK

          We're off and running through the woods, trying to keep up
          with Nick as he flees.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    The day has proven to be a
                    disaster. Where did I gone wrong? I
                    have a decision to make.

          EXT. COVERED BRIDGE - NIGHT

          The spotlight from the overhead helicopter sweeps over the
          bridge and continues down the road.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    I could hit the road and spend my
                    life a fugitive with my integrity
                    nearly intact.

          UNDER THE BRIDGE
          Nick squats in the shadows. He's holding a bouquet of
          municipal flowers and dabs the sweat on his head with his
          tie.

                               NICK (V.O.)
                    It's that or risk incarceration to
                    keep my dinner date.

                        (BEAT)
                    Obviously the answer is clear.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - NIGHT

          Nick peers through the bushes at the mobile home across the
          street. A squad car crawls past, the rover squawking a terse
          description of a teenage white male.
          Nick emerges from the shrubs and approaches the house.
          He rings the ornate Victorian doorbell. Paul answers in an
          apron.

                              PAUL
                    Hello, Nick. Right on time. Come
                    in.

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - NIGHT

          Lacey floats toward him and gives him a hug.

                              NICK
                    Happy Thanksgiving, Lacey.
          She spots the sad flowers in his hand.

          

                                                                 103.

          

                              LACEY
                    What interesting flowers, Nick. Who
                    are they for?

                              NICK
                    Uh, Mrs. Saunders.
          Lacey leads him by the hand into the chintz-bedecked parlor.
          Sheeni's larger-than-life father and 5,000 year old mother
          sit cross-legged on the floor, running their hands over the
          hooked rug.

                              LACEY
                    Mr. and Mrs. Saunders, you remember
                    Nick Twisp, don't you?
          Mrs. Saunders coos and takes the flowers. Her husband squints
          up at him.

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    You are very, very tall.

                              PAUL
                    No he's not, Dad. He just appears
                    tall because you are on the floor.

                              MR. SAUNDERS
                    I can feel the floor pushing
                    against me. Can you feel it too,
                    tall youth?
          Nick glances over at Mrs. Saunders who is now eating the
          flowers.

                              LACEY
                    Paul served an appetizer earlier.

                              PAUL
                    Yes, it's a recipe I picked up in
                    the Southwest. Stuffed mushrooms.
          Nick smiles with amusement.

                              TAGGERTY (O.S.)
                    Hello, Nick.
          Taggarty makes her entrance down the stairs, cloaked in a
          green cape.

                              TAGGERTY
                    How is the star-crossed persistent
                    lover?
          She greets him with a casually intimate kiss.

          

                                                                 104.

          

                              NICK
                    Okay, I guess. Where's Sheeni?

                              TAGGERTY
                    Upstairs, Nick. She saw you coming
                    and hid in her room.

          INT. SHEENI'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Nick knocks and enters to find Sheeni sprawled on the bed
          with a book.

                              NICK
                    Dinner is almost ready, My Love.

                              SHEENI
                    I do not intend to be party to my
                    brother's absurdities. He has
                    allowed you in and drugged my
                    parents.

                              NICK
                    I think they are deriving some good
                    from the experience.
          Sheeni finally looks up from her book.

                              SHEENI
                    What are you doing here, Nick? I
                    expressly asked you not to come.

                              NICK
                    To hell with that. What do I have
                    to do to prove my love to you? My
                    friends have gotten laid and I'm
                    pretty sure neither one of them was
                    beaten with a tree trunk, raped by
                    a walrus, or had to contend with
                    the likes of Trent Preston!

                              SHEENI
                    You were raped by a walrus?

                              NICK
                    Sheeni, I have shown restraint, I
                    have committed crimes, I have
                    traveled to the lengths of the
                    state and still you won't give me
                    this one little thing.

                              SHEENI
                    Sex, Nick. Why don't you just say
                    it? That's what you want. You want
                    me to have sex with you.

          

                                                                    105.

          

                               NICK

                        (BEAT)
                    Well... YEAH!
          A beat as Nick's open admissions makes her consider his
          point. She sighs and shakes her head.

                              SHEENI
                    How is my dog?

                              NICK
                    Excellent. He should be coming out
                    of the oven right about now.
          She tosses the book at him, but he dodges it successfully.

                              SHEENI
                    I hate you, Nickie!
          She stands up and tries to slap him. He grabs her wrists and
          pulls her to him.

                              NICK
                    I hate you too.
          They share a long, intense kiss.
          They break away and she smiles in spite of herself.

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - NIGHT

          The Saunders and extended family take their seats at the
          polished mahogany table crammed with turkey, yams, mashed
          potatoes, and cranberry sauce.
          They all lower their heads and Lacey leads them in prayer.

                              LACEY
                    Dear Lord...
          Mr. Saunders emits a long, low, fog horn of a fart that ends
          badly.
          The others exchange glances but he and his wife still have
          their heads solemnly bowed.

                              LACEY
                    Dear Lord, thank you for this
                    bounty. Help us to be tolerant of
                    others - especially the boyfriends
                    and girlfriends of our immediate
                    relations. Amen.

                              EVERYONE
                    Amen.

          

                                                                 106.

          
          They begin eating. A helicopter passes by outside, search
          light briefly coming through the windows.
          Nick watches Mr. Saunders take a handful of mashed potatoes
          and apply it to his face like war paint.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS
                    Paul? Your father looks rather
                    strange.

                              PAUL
                    Well, mother, he is sitting in his
                    own bowel movement.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS
                    That's no excuse.
          Another helicopter passes overhead.

                              TAGGARTY
                    The food is delicious, Paul.

                               PAUL
                    Thank you.

                        (BEAT)
                    Sister, darling, how long has it
                    been since we all observed the
                    rituals of Thanksgiving?

                              SHEENI
                    Not long enough, Paul.

                              NICK
                    I hope it's the first of many such
                    occasions for me.
          Sheeni narrows her eyes at him.
          A long beat as they all dine in silence. Then-
          Mrs. Saunders croaks out in song.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS
                    Siiiilent night, Hooooly night/
                    Aaaall in calm, aaall is bright...
          Paul begins humming approvingly and one by one the others
          accompany her as Mr. Saunders pretends to conduct them with a
          drumstick.

                              EVERYONE
                    Round yon virgin Mother and Child/
                    Holy infant so tender and mild/
                    Sleep in heavenly peace... Sle-eep
                    in heavenly pee-eace.

          

                                                                    107.

          
          And with that, the doorbell rings. Taggarty gets up and opens
          the door.

                              TAGGARTY
                    Oh, Trent, you made it.
          Nick glances up with a start as TRENT PRESTON makes his
          entrance. He's not quite the deity Nick's expected, but
          rather a fairly plain, blond with slightly androgenous
          features and a certain flamboyance. His black eye, courtesy
          of Ed Solomon, still remains.

                              TRENT
                    Hello, Taggarty. Hello, Everyone.
          Mr. Saunders grunts his acknowledgement as he takes the
          pitcher and pours water into his own lap.

                              SHEENI
                    Trent, darling, this is Nick.
          Trent swivels slowly around and they lock eyes.

                              TRENT
                    Nick, at last we meet.

                              NICK
                    Hello, Trent.

                              TAGGARTY
                    Have a seat, Trent.

                              TRENT
                    I'm sorry, Taggarty, I can't stay.
                    I have bad news.

                              SHEENI
                    What is it?

                              TRENT
                    Bernice Lynch has tried to commit
                    suicide.
          Sheeni and Taggarty gasp. Nick swallows hard.

                              TRENT
                    She swallowed a number of sleeping
                    pills, and is now in a coma.

                              SHEENI
                    The poor girl.

                              TRENT
                    There's more. Before I left school,
                    I searched her room.

          

                                                                 108.

          

                              NICK
                    Did you obtain proper authorization
                    from the officials?

                              TRENT
                    No, Nick, I acted on my own
                    initiative. In Bernice's closet, I
                    found this letter.
          He dramatically extracts the letter from his pocket.

                              TRENT
                    In the letter, the writer
                    instructed Bernice to begin
                    sedating Sheeni with drugs he
                    himself supplied.

                              TAGGARTY
                    Nick, you didn't!

                              NICK
                    Well, you see...

                              SHEENI
                    Nick! You could have killed me!

                                MR. SAUNDERS
                    Who died?

                              TRENT
                    No one yet, Mr. Saunders.
          Mrs. Saunders points a liver spotted finger in his direction.

                              MRS. SAUNDERS

                    ARREST HIM!

                              TRENT
                    I can't arrest him. But I have
                    called the Santa Cruz Police. They
                    are on their way here now.
          Nick places his napkin next to his plate and stands.

                              NICK
                    Well, I shall be going now. Please
                    continue without me.

                              TRENT
                    Nick, I suggest you remain here and
                    face the consequences like a man.
          Nick stops in front of Trent.

          

                                                                   109.

          

                              NICK
                    Thank you for that unsolicited
                    counsel, Trent. And please, do drop
                    dead.
          The other guests murmur their shock. Nick stops in the
          doorway.

                              NICK
                    Goodbye, Sheeni. I did it all for
                    you.

                              SHEENI
                    You are completely contemptible,
                    Nick Twisp. I never wish to see you
                    again.
          With the dreadful proclamation ringing in his ears, Nick
          leaves.

          EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

          Nick's silhouette figure racing through the trees.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Here I am, reviled by friends and
                    family. Relentlessly pursued by
                    three police jurisdictions.
          Nick stops at the edge of the woods to catch his breath.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Fron�ois suggests we flee the
                    country. But where to go? Mexico?
                    Canada? India, perhaps?
          He looks up the road which has been blocked off by flashing
          squad cars.

          EXT. LOS ANGELES - ESTABLISHING - DAY

          The downtown high-rises protrude from the layer of smog. In
          pre-lap, someone pushes a door BUZZER repeatedly.

          INT. JOANIE'S APARTMENT - DAY

          Joanie opens the door and finds Nick on her doorstep.

                              NICK
                    Uh, Hi, Joanie. How's it going?

                               JOANIE
                    Nick?

          

                                                                 110.

          

          INT. JOANIE'S APARTMENT - LATER


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Since my sister can see through me,
                    I'm obliged to give a relatively
                    candid and thorough review of the
                    events.
          Joanie listens gravely, shaking her head at the most gruesome
          parts of the story. Nick finishes, flopping into a chair.

                              JOANIE
                    Nick, six months ago you were just
                    another brownnosing honor student.
                    What happened?

                              NICK
                    I'm not really sure. I fell in love
                    with Sheeni. All I want is to be
                    with her. The rest is all a big
                    misunderstanding.

                              JOANIE
                    Nick, you've stolen, vandalized,
                    trespassed, and burned down
                    Berkeley. All for one girl. If
                    there's a misunderstanding, it's
                    with your insight into females.

                              NICK
                    But... But where did I go wrong?

                              JOANIE
                    Nick, boys your age are always
                    looking for the path of least
                    resistance to becoming a man. A
                    boy's whole self-esteem rests on
                    how fast he can get a girl into
                    bed.

                              NICK
                    So far, I agree.

                              JOANIE
                    Sooner or later what those boys
                    realize, is that the girls you're
                    chasing base their self-esteem on
                    how many hoops they can get the boy
                    to jump through before going to bed
                    with him.
          Nick furrows his brow. Clearly that had not occurred to him.

                              JOANIE
                    So I guess what you should ask
                    yourself is: How far are you
                    willing to go?

          

                                                                 111.

          
          Nick nods in understanding. An epiphanic smile.

                              NICK
                    All the way, Joanie. I'm willing to
                    go all the way.
          Joanie nods in amusement.

                              JOANIE
                    You can stay here a couple days,
                    but eventually they'll come looking
                    for you. I don't have much money to
                    give you, but here.
          Nick takes the wad of cash, clearly moved.

                              NICK
                    Thanks, Joanie. I... Uh... I love
                    you.

                              JOANIE
                    I love you too, you little brat.

          INT. LOS ANGELES BUS TERMINAL - DAY

          Nick slaps the cash on the counter and slides it under the
          window.

                              NICK
                    One ticket to Ukiah, please.

          INT. LANCE'S DUMP - BATHROOM - DAY

          Lance squats on the toilet in a neck brace. He chuckles over
          an issue of Penthouse. The phone rings. He picks it up

                              LANCE
                    Yeah.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Hey, bacon boy, it's Nick.

                              LANCE
                    Nick, ya little prick, where are
                    ya?

          EXT. LOS ANGELES BUS TERMINAL - DAY

          Nick is crammed into the phone booth. He's wearing shades and
          a fedora. WE INTERCUT.

                              NICK
                    You're on a need to know basis,
                    gorilla boy.
          Lance seethes inwardly.

          

                                                                 112.

          

                              LANCE
                    No matter, they'll get you
                    eventually.

                              NICK
                    Let me make it easy. I'll be at
                    Redwood High School tomorrow
                    morning. Round up your donut
                    dipping friends. I'm turning myself
                    in.
          Nick slams down the phone before Lance can respond.

          I/E. BUS (MOVING) - DAY
          Nick sits by the window, the suitcase on the seat next to
          him.

          EXT. UKIAH - DAY

          And the bus flies past the sign that says WELCOME TO UKIAH.

          EXT. UKIAH BUS STOP - NIGHT

          Nick steps off the bus and finds Lefty loading his belongings
          underneath.

                              NICK
                    Lefty?
          Lefty lifts his eyes and sees his friend.

                              LEFTY
                    Nick? What are you doing here?
                    Everyone and their mother's mother
                    is looking for you.

                               NICK
                    They have me soon enough. Where are
                    you going?

                              LEFTY
                    Home. I'm done being dead, Nick.
                    Heather and I are going back to
                    Oakland for Christmas. You should
                    have heard how glad my parents were
                    that I didn't kill myself. They
                    were even happier when they found
                    out I'm not gay.

                              NICK
                    That's great, Lefty.

                              LEFTY
                    Yeah, being in love is pretty
                    great. So what's your plan, Nick?

          

                                                                    113.

          
          Nick answers with only pensive silence.

          EXT. PAUL'S HIDEOUT ABOVE GARAGE - NIGHT

          Nick is about to knock on the door when Paul opens it in
          another display of clairvoyance.

                              PAUL
                    Welcome back, Nick. We had a
                    feeling you were coming.

          INT. PAUL'S HIDEOUT ABOVE GARAGE - LATER

          Nick sits beside Paul and Lacey on the couch as they watch
          the infamous "chicken scene" in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Paul and Lacey are kind enough to
                    share some leftover fungi to help
                    calm my nerves. That, combined with
                    yet another viewing of James Dean's
                    performance is what gives me my
                    final burst of inspiration.
          They all watch transfixed as JAMES DEAN leaps from his
          automobile just in time to escape demise.

          INT. PAUL'S HIDEOUT ABOVE GARAGE - LATER

          As the END CREDITS of REBEL play behind them, Lacey fits a
          bombshell wig on Nick's head and finishes the last touches of
          make-up that make him...
          ...who we will come to know as CARLOTTA ULANSKY. Nick regards
          his female alter-ego in the mirror.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Fran�ois of course wants no part of
                    this, and demands that we make a
                    run for the border. But I have
                    decided to veto him. It's time to
                    face the music.

          INT. BMW 325I - DAY

          Nick turns the key in the ignition and CHRISTMAS MUSIC rises
          from the speakers. And the music plays over...

          EXT. REDWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

          ...where a crowd begins to form in anticipation of Nick's
          arrival.
          Nick watches from behind a tree on the ridge.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

          

                                                                    114.

          

          EXT. REDWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

          ...where police cars and news crews are pulling up to
          interview the students.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

          EXT. REDWOOD HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

          The parking lot is now filled with police cruisers and FBI
          vans, the news crews, REDWOOD HIGH STUDENTS, and an
          apparently CALIFORNIA WIDE NICK TWISP CULT FOLLOWING.
          TINA MANION, 17, speaks into a STUDENT NEWS CREW CAMERA.

                                 TINA
                       This is Tina Manion reporting live
                       at Redwood High in Ukiah where
                       local law enforcement as well as
                       the FBI awaits the promised arrival
                       of Nick Twisp.
          There comes a murmur from the crowd and Tina directs the
          student camera-man to the road on the ridge where...
          George's BMW pulls to a stop overlooking the school.

                                 GEORGE
                       Hey. That's my car!
          The crowd hushes as the door opens and Nick emerges.

          NICK'S POV
          of the parking lot below, which looks like the kind of turn
          out one would expect of a Star Wars prequel.

          ON THE VARIOUS FACES OF THE CROWD
          staring up in silence. Estelle, Wally, Vijay, Trent, Dwayne,
          George, Lacey, Paul...
          Nick gives a little wave as if he were a celebrity.
          The parking lot erupts with CHEERS of his name. A few
          Berkeley KIDS hold up a sign that reads I'M SINGLE, LET'S

          MINGLE.
          Then - shouts of warning from the megaphones.
          And as the flashers and sirens come to life, Nick jumps back
          into his father's car and peels out.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - DAY
          Nick glances in the rear view mirror as the cops bear through
          the cloud kicked up in his wake.

          

                                                                    115.

          
          Nick pops in a CD and turns up the Christmas music to drown
          out the sirens.

          EXT. COVERED BRIDGE - DAY

          He zips across the covered bridge, the train of law
          enforcement in hot pursuit.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - DAY
          He yanks the wheel hard and veers off onto the mountain road.
          A few of the squad cars miss the turn and skid side-long
          through a picket fence.
          Nick takes the switchbacks at 60 per, wheels practically
          sliding off the turns.

          EXT. BLUFF OVER CLEAR LAKE - DAY

          The BMW crests the hill and smashes through the chain link
          gate.

          I/E. BMW 325I (MOVING) - DAY
          As Nick watches the quickly approaching cliffs edge, he
          undoes his seat belt.
          He goes for the door handle, eyes going wide when he finds
          power lock has engaged.

          EXT. BLUFF OVER CLEAR LAKE - DAY

          The BMW hurtles off the bluff and soars through the air,
          tires spinning, a plume of snow blowing off the hood.
          The car descends into a nose dive and flips completely upside-
          down, hitting the ice covered surface of Clear Lake with a
          thundering SMACK.
          Police cars swerve to a stop at the edge of the bluff and the
          crowd of officers and agents peer over the side at the hole
          in the ice.

          UNDERWATER
          The BMW descends toward us in a storm of air bubbles.
          As it gently touches down at the bottom of the lake, a somber
          TRUMPET SOLO comes in pre-lap and we are...

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          Where a crowd of family, friends, and fans stand around in
          mourning garb over the funeral ceremony.

          

                                                                    116.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    My only comfort regarding my
                    untimely death is knowing my
                    friends and family will do just
                    fine without me.
          We move from Lacey and Paul, the latter of which is wailing
          away on the trumpet, to Lefty, his head hung low. Heather
          pulls his head to her breasts.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    As it would turn out Heather's
                    vaginal canal is slightly
                    misshapen...

          INT. HILLS ABOVE UC CAMPUS - FLASHFORWARD - DAY

          Lefty humping Heather in the grass ala the scene in which we
          met him.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...and thus completely compatible
                    with Lefty's otherwise incongruent
                    penis.

                              HEATHER
                    A little to the right... a
                    little... RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE!

                    RIGHTTHERERIGHTTHERERIGHTTHERE!

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          ...where we find Vijay glancing over at Taggarty as she
          smokes a cigarette.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Vijay would eventually manage to
                    pin the car theft on me. But had
                    lost the attention of Taggarty
                    forever. Who by the way...

          INT. SHEENI'S DORM ROOM - FLASHFORWARD - NIGHT


                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...never would find her perfect A.
          Taggarty at her wall. Ed Solomon lounges in the bed behind
          her.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    And would therefore start grading
                    on a curve.
          With a quick stroke of her pen, she changes Ed's grade from a
          B minus to a B plus.

          

                                                                 117.

          

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          ...where we find Joanie sniffling.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Joanie of course would get to
                    continue to travel the world...

          INT. AIRPLANE (35,000 FT) - FLASHFORWARD - DAY

          Joanie serves up a beverage in first class.

                              NICK   (V.O.)
                    ...and she and   her breasts would
                    probably go on   to have the
                    wonderful life   that they deserve.
          The CELEBRITY she is serving looks from her cleavage to her
          eyes. She gives a little smile.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          ...where we find Estelle weeping quietly against Wally's
          shoulder.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Wally as it turns out...

          INT. JEOPARDY STUDIO - FLASHFORWARD - NIGHT

          Estelle watches from the audience as Wally scribbles at his
          podium while ALEX TREBECK hosts inaudibly.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...would go on Jeopardy and win,
                    ensuring my mother's blessed rise
                    to a higher economic status.
          The answer on Wally's screen says WHO IS ALBERT CAMUS? Alex
          Trebeck shakes his head, leaving Wally with only $1, but
          enough to best his two competitors.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          ...where we find George puffing on a cigar, Mrs. Crampton
          behind him, his hand resting on Dwayne's shoulder.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...my father, no longer burdened
                    with crippling child support
                    payments, would now be able to
                    afford the model BMW he always
                    wanted...

          

                                                                 118.

          

          I/E. BMW M6SMG - MOVING - FLASHFORWARD - DAY
          Dwayne sticks his head out the window and shouts with glee as
          his flab flaps in the wind.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    ...and would come to find the
                    surrogate son he always wanted in
                    Dwayne, the only organism alive
                    that could possibly appreciate
                    George's driving.
          As the car accelerates, we see the vanity plate reads THUNDER

          ROD.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Leaving just one last piece of
                    business.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

          And finally we arrive on Sheeni, expressionless. And as we
          continue to PAN we reach...
          Carlotta standing in the background. The bombshell haircut
          and thick glasses can barely be made out through her veil.
          Paul finishes his trumpet solo and there is a moment of
          silence to observe the open casket and the SINGLE, LET'S
          MINGLE shirt and shorts that are being buried inside.

          EXT. CEMETERY - DUSK

          Sheeni makes her way toward the line of limos and hearses.
          She approaches the distant Carlotta.

                              SHEENI
                    Excuse me. Are you a friend of
                    Nick's?
          Carlotta looks up, startled. She composes herself and shakes
          Sheeni's hand.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    A terribly old friend. Carlotta
                    Ulanksy. I'm sorry for your loss.

                              SHEENI
                    You shouldn't be, Carlotta. I am no
                    doubt culpable for Nick's actions.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Well, love does compel us to
                    desperate acts. People cannot
                    always act rationally.

                              (MORE)

          

                                                                 119.

          
                              NICK/CARLOTTA (cont'd)
                    The greater the love, the stronger
                    the passions, the more reckless the
                    crimes.
          Sheeni lets go a slight, wistful smile.

                              SHEENI
                    Yes, Carlotta. Nick had wonderful a
                    way of making me feel worthy of the
                    pursuit.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    My dear, if there's one thing the
                    demise of Nick Twisp has taught me,
                    it's that self worth comes from
                    within.
          Sheeni gives a pensive nod.

                              SHEENI
                    Would you like to stay the night,
                    Carlotta? We can reminisce of our
                    departed.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Oh, my. A kind offer, but I really
                    must...

                              SHEENI
                    It's just... I don't think I could
                    bear to be alone tonight.
          Carlotta does her best not to look conflicted, but it shows.

          INT. SHEENI'S ROOM - NIGHT

          Carlotta hurriedly finishes tucking herself in while Sheeni
          brushes in the bathroom.
          Carlotta hastily switches out the light. Sheeni emerges in a
          few small scraps of flimsy black lace.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Goodness. What an attractive
                    negligee.

                              SHEENI
                    Do you like it? I bought it in
                    Santa Rosa last fall. I had hoped
                    to wear it for Nick.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Oh, darling, I'm sure he would have
                    found it most... Appealing.
          Sheeni crawls into bed. She cuddles close.

          

                                                                   120.

          

                              SHEENI
                    I like lying here with you,
                    Carlotta.

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    You do?

                              SHEENI
                    I can't think of anyone I'd rather
                    lie here with.
          Carlotta furrows her brow.

                              SHEENI
                    Except maybe Nick. If Nick were
                    here, what do you suppose he would
                    do to me?

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Make love to you I would think.

                              SHEENI
                    Then why don't you?

                              NICK/CARLOTTA
                    Pardon?

                              SHEENI
                    Take off that silly wig and make
                    love to me!
          Sheeni tugs off the wig and tosses it across the room.

                              NICK
                    Sheeni! You knew!

                              SHEENI
                    Of course, Nick. Did you really
                    expect to fool your soul mate with
                    such a disguise?
          Nick swoons, grasping her gauze-glazed nakedness.

                              SHEENI
                    Take me darling!
          And as they engage in a feverish kiss, ROUSING HYMNS surge.
          The church chorus' joyful song rings Hallelujah.
          The two lovers are entwined before an abstract RED

          BACKGROUND.

          LAS VEGAS OF THE BODY
          Into the NICK'S PENIS nightclub where champagne bottles POP
          with the ringing in of a new era, and the Leopards ROAR, and
          the stage erupts with fireworks.

          

                                                                 121.

          

          INT. SHEENI'S ROOM - MORNING

          Nick sleeps with a grin on his face. He rouses at the touch
          of Sheeni's lips on his cheek.

                              SHEENI
                    My parents are at services. They
                    won't be back for hours.

                              NICK
                    Shall we have breakfast, my love?

                              SHEENI
                    What a lovely notion, darling. You
                    go ahead downstairs and get things
                    started.
          Sheeni hauls herself out of bed and grabs the phone off the
          cradle.

                              NICK
                    What are you doing?

                              SHEENI
                    Calling Taggarty to report that you
                    are not completely incompetent in
                    the bedroom.

                              NICK
                    Do I get to stay and hear my grade?

                              SHEENI
                    Not a chance, Mr. Twisp. Such
                    things are reserved for girl talk
                    only. And for good reason.
          She smiles at him and he smiles back.

                              NICK
                    Very well, Sheeni. Don't be long.

          INT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          Nick prances into the living room in his underwear.
          He starts to head into the kitchen when he catches sight of
          the full length mirror out of the corner of his eye. He stops
          in front of the mirror and flexes his biceps. Admires
          himself.
          Fran�ois appears in the mirror behind Nick, Thompson slung
          over his shoulder.

                              NICK
                    Well, good morning, Fran�ois. What
                    do you think?

          

                                                                 122.

          

                              FRAN�OIS
                    What do I sink? I sink now's are
                    chance to run for ze hills.
          Nick lowers his arms and furrows his brow.

                              NICK
                    What do you mean?

                              FRAN�OIS
                    Nick, we are young, yes? Is the
                    world not our oyster? Beaucoup des
                    filles. Do you not want to know
                    what it is like to make love to
                    another girl?

                              NICK
                    I do, but... We've come so far.
                    What about Sheeni?

                              FRAN�OIS
                    Forget Sheeni. Yes, she will always
                    be ze first conquest, but all zis
                    time you saught zis was ze end, ze
                    one and only, when in fact it is
                    only ze beginning.
          Nick lifts his eyebrows with dawning epiphany.
          In the reflection we can see behind Nick as Albert leaps onto
          the love seat and barks at the sound of approaching sirens.
          Nick runs to the window just in time to see half a dozen law
          enforcement vehicles pull up.

                              NICK
                    Sheeni, the police are here!
          He ducks down from the window as a chopper buzzes overhead.

                              NICK
                    Quick! Maybe I can sneak out the
                    back!

                              MEGAPHONE (O.S.)

                    NICK TWISP! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!

                              NICK
                    I don't understand. How do they
                    even know I'm alive?

                              SHEENI (O.S.)
                    Well, I called them of course.
          Nick spins to face her. She's standing in the doorway and
          there's not a hint of wrong-doing in her face.

          

                                                                  123.

          

                              NICK
                    Well, thanks a pantsful!

                              SHEENI
                    But, Nickie, it had to be done.

                              NICK
                    But... but why?

                              SHEENI
                    I can't very well marry a wanted
                    man, honey. Look at it this way, in
                    a few months you'll be a free man
                    and we can be together in Paris.
          Nick looks to Fran�ois in disbelief. But the Frenchman just
          rolls his eyes.

                               FRAN�OIS
                    You might as well break it to her
                    now, Nick.
          A long pensive beat as Nick contemplates telling her he may
          never see her again. But behind Sheeni's air of control, Nick
          finally sees the vulnerability he's had in his hands all
          along.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Fran�ois is right of course, but on
                    the other hand, why be cruel? After
                    all, Sheeni had managed to give me
                    hope every step of the way. And if
                    hope is what Sheeni would now need
                    to go on, well then...

                              NICK
                    As always, you are right, my love.
          Sheeni beams. Fran�ois smacks his forehead with hand.

                              FRAN�OIS
                    Merd.
          The Frenchman in the mirror sticks the barrel of the Thompson
          in his mouth and blows himself OUT OF FRAME just as...
          ...the front door bursts open and the FBI AGENTS surround
          Nick.

          EXT. SAUNDERS' MOBILE HOME - DAY

          The agents lead Nick to the caravan of law enforcement parked
          in the road.

          

                                                                   124.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Arrested? Ha. It may not appear so,
                    but the truth is... I've got the
                    world on a string.
          Sheeni emerges from the home, Albert barking in protest.
          Nick strains against his cuffs to look over his shoulder at
          her.

                              SHEENI
                    Write often, Nickie.

                              NICK
                    I will, darling.

                              SHEENI
                    And don't worry about Albert. He'll
                    be waiting for you too.

                               NICK (V.O.)
                    As Fran�ois would remind me, I'm
                    intelligent, healthy, virile, not
                    violently ugly... On the whole I am
                    splendidly equipped for this great
                    adventure we call the human
                    existence.
          The FBI agents shove Nick into the back of their black
          Saturn.

          INT. SATURN(MOVING) - DAY

          Nick watches out the back window as the car pulls away. A
          view of Sheeni waving in the road, Albert at her feet.

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    Besides, what jury would convict a
                    teenager who acted out of love?
                    And even if I do get to spend the
                    next few months of my youth getting
                    Dwayned by the inmates of the
                    California Juvenile Correctional
                    System, I did get my thirty two
                    minutes of lovemaking with one of
                    the most outstanding girls of this
                    or any other epoch.
          Nick turns to face the front while behind him the waving
          figure gets ever more distant. A pensive moment as he
          actually questions...

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    But was it all worth it?
          Nick revisits those thirty two minutes in his mind and it
          brings a smirk to his face.
          

                                                                  125.

          

                              NICK (V.O.)
                    You bet your left nut it was.
          And as Tom Jones' SHE'S A LADY kicks in, we...
          

                                                             THE END