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Zerophilia Movie Script

Writer(s) : Martin Curland

Genres : Comedy, Romance

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                                       ZEROPHILIA


                                       Written by
 
                                     Martin Curland
          
          
          
          
                                                      Revised: March 1, 2004

                                                                           1.
          
          
          
          
          FADE IN:
          
          EXT. WILDERNESS - NIGHT
          
          Mist. Dark trees.     Dripping vines.        An ENGINE RUMBLES in the
          distance.
          
          The full moon shimmers on a puddle.          A FROG SPLATS IN,
          splashing a one man pup tent.
          
          INSIDE THE TENT
          
          LUKE's eyes pop open, disoriented, realizing he's fallen
          asleep reading by flashlight. He's nineteen, still slightly
          awkward and unaware he's growing handsome.
          
          He listens as the ENGINE RUMBLES LOUDER, closer.
          
          He peers out through the tent flap. Glaring head lamps ROAR
          toward him. Scrambling out of his sleeping bag, he HURLS
          himself against the side of the tent, as...
          
          OUTSIDE
          
          an RV CAMPER nearly plows down the tent, skidding to a stop
          in the mud.
          
          Stillness.
          
          Luke extricates himself from the tent.          He runs to the driver-
          side window of the RV.
          
                                 LUKE
                       Are you all right?
          
          Inside, ALEXA, thirties, earthy, looks up at him bleary-eyed.
          She nods 'yes.'
          
                                 LUKE (CONT'D)
                       How did you even get here?       There's
                       no road.
          
                                    ALEXA
                       I'm sorry.     I'm from Utah.
          
                                    LUKE
                       It's okay.
          
                                 ALEXA
                       Are you alone out here?
          
                                                                   2.
          
          
          
          He nods 'yes.'    She bursts into TEARS.
          
                              ALEXA (CONT'D)
                    My husband. Bastard. I've been
                    driving for days. I don't even
                    know where I'm going.
          
                                LUKE
                    Oh, wow.    I'm really sorry.
          
          She gathers herself, sniffling.
          
          
                    I have warm apple kringel in the
                    camper. Would you like some?
          
                              LUKE
                    Uh, what is it?
          
                                ALEXA
                    Pastry.
          
          
          INSIDE RV CAMPER
          
          Luke stands at the RV's tiny kitchen counter, wolfing pastry
          off a paper plate.
          
                              ALEXA
                    So, this "Survival Quest" is your
                    vacation?
          
                               LUKE
                    Yeah. It's my third try.     Kind a'
                    lame, huh?
          
                              ALEXA
                    No. Seven days alone in the
                    wilderness?   I'd be afraid.
          
                              LUKE
                    It's just something I really wanted
                    to do.
          
          Luke notices an odd pile of stuff by the sink.
          
                              ALEXA
                    His shoes. Fishing lures.        The
                    electric drill.
          
                                LUKE
                    Good.
          
                                                                      3.
          
          
          
          She smiles, grateful, eyeing his torn t-shirt and shorts.
          
                              ALEXA
                    You're all wet and muddy. Why
                    don't I hang those up to dry?
          
                                LUKE
                    Thanks.    I'm okay.
          
                              ALEXA
                    I'm propositioning you.
          
                                LUKE
                    Oh...
                    Oh, wow.
                    You are?
          
          He considers, fearful, but thrilled.
          
          
          EXT. LANGFORD UNIVERSITY - MORNING
          
          Students crisscross on bikes in front of the quadrangle.
          
          The huge round headlights and muscular front grill of an old
          SEMI-TRUCK RUMBLES up to the curb. It's the cab only, like
          the sliced-off front of a train engine.
          
          Luke hops down, startling his friends, KEENAN and JANINE,
          passionately making out on the sidewalk.
          
          Twenty, brainy and athletic, Janine adjusts her glasses, the
          only remnant of a bookish past, as she thoughtfully considers
          Luke's massive truck.
          
                              JANINE
                    It's remarkable. Sort of retro. I
                    thought you were gettin' a pickup?
          
                              LUKE
                    I changed my mind.
          
          Hoping for a more enthusiastic response, he turns to Keenan,
          who climbs up and peeks inside the cab. He's rugged,
          streetwise, perpetually bemused, -maybe Ed Norton and Bill
          Murray had a son...
          
                              KEENAN
                    It's awesome. It's pleather.
          
                                LUKE
                    Fuck you.    You think it's stupid.
          
                                                                      4.
          
          
          Janine stares at him.
          
                                LUKE (CONT'D)
                    What?
          
          She shrugs, trying to put her finger on it, and when Luke
          rolls up his T-shirt sleeves, she grins.
          
                                LUKE (CONT'D)
                    What?!
          
                              JANINE
                    Oh my God. You got laid.
                    Finally! Who is she?
          
          Luke glares at Keenan.
          
                              KEENAN
                    I didn't say a word! I swear!     You
                    know Janine. She's got X-ray
                    vision.
                        (to Janine)
                    Camping! A total stranger.
          
                              JANINE
                    I knew that whole "waitin' to meet
                    the right girl" thing was crap.
                    Congratulations! I have to get to
                    Physics. The truck's great.
          
                              KEENAN
                    See ya', hottie.
          
                              JANINE
                    Could find something to call me,
                    other than what every guy in the
                    world would say?
          
                              KEENAN
                    "Sweetheart?" "Babe?"
                    "Aphrodite?"
          
          Janine sneers.    At a loss, Keenan grabs her and kisses her
          passionately.
          
          She walks off rolling her eyes, but secretly loves it.
          
          Keenan climbs up into the cab.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    So this is gonna' be like your car?
          
                                                                      5.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Look, I know it's dopey. But don't
                    you recognize it? It's painted and
                    the muffler's switched out, -but
                    this was my dad's.
          
          Keenan looks around with fresh eyes. He reaches an arm way
          up under the glove box and GRINS, pulling out a small stash
          of weed.
          
                                 KEENAN
                    Ten years.     A little dried out.
          
          
          EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY
          
          The truck barrels along through the trees.     Luke and Keenan
          share a joint.
          
                              LUKE
                    First off, that woman. We didn't
                    go all the way, you know?
          
                               KEENAN
                    Yeah?   Okay, so?
          
                              LUKE
                    You think technically I'm still a
                    virgin?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Were you inside her?
          
                                 LUKE
                    Yeah.
          
                                 KEENAN
                    It counts.     Next.   ...What?
          
                              LUKE
                    I been havin' this weird dream.
                    The thing is, I think maybe the
                    dream's real. Forget it. No way
                    I'm tellin' you.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You know enough of my secrets to
                    get me shot. Sharon's mom on
                    Thanksgiving? What the fuck dream
                    is there you can't tell me?
          
                                                                      6.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    It's about part of me gettin'
                    smaller. An important part.
          
          Keenan looks over warily, then busts out LAUGHING, then
          realizes Luke's serious.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You have gotta' be fuckin' kiddin'
                    me. You're not thirteen!
          
                                 LUKE
                    Screw you.     Maybe I caught
                    something.
          
                              KEENAN
                    I think it's good you bought this
                    truck.
          
          They both LAUGH.
          
          
          INT. ROAD RAGE GARAGE - DAY
          
          A small, run-down service garage, crammed with tires, tools
          and discarded car parts.
          
          Luke's truck idles in the service bay, billowing smoke.
          
          MAX, nineteen, lean, in overalls, with shoulder-length hair
          and edgy eyes, wipes his greasy hands on a rag.
          
          Dripping with masculinity, he swaggers around the truck,
          chewing gum, wielding a pneumatic torque-wrench, which he
          occasionally REVS for emphasis.
          
                              MAX
                    I can do the gasket for twenty
                    bucks. But new T-sprocks, for this
                    thing? Two, three hundred, maybe?
          
                                LUKE
                    Shit.    Can I hold off on that?
          
                              MAX
                    No skin off my ass. But a few
                    days, weeks, your whole
                    transmission could blow.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Ah, Jeez.     I shouldn't got this.
          
                                                                      7.
          
          
          
          Max considers, sets his baseball cap on the truck fender and
          SIGHS.
          
                              MAX
                    Four hundred seventy-five
                    horsepower. Twenty-eight inch
                    wheels. It's a classic. Let me
                    dig around out back. Maybe we got
                    a used set.
          
                              LUKE
                    That'd be great.   Thanks.
          
          Max disappears through a squeaky door at the back.
          
          Luke picks up a rag and wipes fingerprints off the fender.
          
          He sits, impatient for Max to return.
          
          He examines Max's cap, tries it on. He picks up the torque-
          wrench, swaggers about, trying to look macho, in the manner
          of Max.
          
          He spins around and REVS the wrench, catching sight of
          MICHELLE, twenty, watching him from out front in jeans and T-
          shirt, with warm, confident eyes.
          
          Luke swallows, wide-eyed, a deer in headlights.   He sets
          down the torque-wrench.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    It's not my wrench. It's my truck.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    What's wrong with it?
          
                              LUKE
                    Oh, just needs a new gasket and a
                    couple T-sprocks. The flanges are
                    sheared off.   No big deal.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    You have to watch my brother, Max.
                    He's sellin' you "T-sprocks?"
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah?
          
                              MICHELLE
                    There's no such thing. Last week
                    he sold Mrs. Gustafson a whole set:
                    six hundred bucks. My name's
                    Michelle.
          
                                                                     8.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    From New York. Poli-Sci transfer.
                    I sort of asked around campus.
          
                               MICHELLE
                    You did?
          
                              LUKE
                    You've prob'ly already got a
                    stalker, huh?
          
                               MICHELLE
                    No.
          
          Luke stares, awkward.
          
                              LUKE
                    You heard about Cafe Lunizia?
                    Italian? They got New York style
                    pizza. Make you feel at home.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    You askin' me out?
          
                              LUKE
                    Oh, well, uh, -definitely!
          
          An SUV pulls up at the gas pump, stuffed with Keenan and
          OTHER GUYS. CHAD, exuding supreme self-confidence, calls
          over to Luke as he pumps gas.
          
                              CHAD
                    Hey, Spanky, let's go! Look
                    forward to kickin' your puck ass.
          
                               LUKE
                    My ride.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Your name's "Spanky?"
          
                              LUKE
                    No, Puck Ass, but people just call
                    me Luke. We're beatin' his frat
                    boy team in street hockey. Pisses
                    'em off.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    I'll talk to Max. Tell him to just
                    replace the gasket.
          
          Luke's BREATHING grows HEAVIER.
          
                                                                       9.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Thanks. So, what do you think?
                    I'll just sit there while you eat.
                    I won't even talk.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Look, I just split up with this
                    total amoeba.
          
                              LUKE
                    Oh, I'm a paramecium. That's way
                    more evolved. I'm practically pond
                    scum.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Maybe I'll give you a call when the
                    truck's ready.
          
                               LUKE
                    Great.    You mean to go out, right?
          
          Michelle smiles, and walks out through the squeaky door at
          the back. Keenan approaches.
          
                              KEENAN
                        (a whisper)
                    Whoa. That was her!     Jesus, you're
                    sweatin' like crazy.
          
          Luke sits, nods 'yes,' wipes BEADS of SWEAT from his brow.
          
                              LUKE
                    We're goin' out.
          
          Keenan gives him a high-five.    Luke smiles, catching his
          breath.
          
          
          INT. LUKE & KEENAN'S PLACE
          
          A small, run-down house. Hockey gear, dirty laundry and
          Keenan are strewn across the garage-sale sofa. He munches a
          burrito while watching the game.
          
                               LUKE (O.S.)
                    KEENAN!   COME HERE, QUICK!!!
          
          Keenan leaps up.
          
                               KEENAN
                    WHAT?!
          
          He races down the hall, sliding on the linoleum.
          
                                                                     10.
          
          
          
          BATHROOM
          
          Luke, a towel around his waist, stares at himself in the
          mirror, horrified.
          
                                LUKE
                     Look!   My chest!
          
          Keenan looks, clueless, a little uncomfortable now.
          
                                 KEENAN
                     Yeah?
          
                               LUKE
                     I had hair. Come on! Not a lot,
                     but you've seen me -some- right?
          
                               KEENAN
                     Okay, I don't know.    So?
          
                               LUKE
                     Well, where'd it go?
          
          Keenan takes a bite of the burrito in his hand, now mashed.
          
                               KEENAN
                     I really thought you gettin' laid
                     was gonna' help. What is it with
                     you, man? I mean, you're smarter
                     than me, you're better lookin' than
                     me.
          
                                 LUKE
                     I am not.
          
                               KEENAN
                     I know. But I'm just sayin', you
                     can get any girl you want.
          
                               LUKE
                     Easy for you, you've got Janine.
          
                               KEENAN
                     I'm still workin' on my GED. How
                     long you think Brainiac's gonna'
                     wanna' hang with that?
          
                               LUKE
                     She worships you.
          
                                                                  11.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    Man, I'm gonna' be that wild fling
                    she had with the local dude from
                    the bike shop. "God, what was his
                    name?"
          
                              LUKE
                    You're crazy.
          
          Keenan gives him a look of "I'm crazy?"
          
                              KEENAN
                    You're gonna' have a great time
                    with her tonight. Just be
                    yourself. ...Mostly.
          
          
          EXT. CAFE LUNIZIA - NIGHT
          
          Cheap elegance. Luke and Michelle dine on the patio, strung
          with far too many white lights.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    I caught him with my best friend.
                    Former. Such a cliche'.
          
                                LUKE
                    Sorry.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Winthrop Hawkins. "Hawk." From
                    this Park Avenue family. He'd know
                    what kind of mushrooms those are,
                    what the best wine is.
          
                              LUKE
                    The best wine is beer.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    I'm such a moron.
          
                              LUKE
                    You're not.
          
                                MICHELLE
                    No, I am.    I have incontrovertible
                    proof.
          
          She kicks off her shoe and sticks her bare foot on the table,
          a TATTOO of a GREEN BIRD on her ankle.
          
                                                                  12.
          
          
          
                              MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                    It's a hawk. Get it? "Hawkins?"
                    See, you're smirking!
          
                               LUKE
                    I'm not.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    And it's GREEN! That's the one
                    color tattoo they can't REMOVE!
          
                               LUKE
                    Oh.   Bummer.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    I'm considering a prosthetic foot.
          
          She smiles.
          
          They sip from their glasses and drink each other in.
          
          Luke contemplates a kiss,...
          
          but his breathing grows shallow, he GASPS.
          
                              MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                    What's the matter?
          
                              LUKE
                    Nothin'. Maybe just kind a' hot
                    out here. You want moron? When my
                    dad died, -it's okay, I was nine.
                    I barely knew what was goin' on-
                    But I thought the tombstone was
                    really sad looking, so I painted
                    smiley faces and fish all over it.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    That's sweet.
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah, I'm sure dad would've loved
                    that.
          
          His face REDDENS. Overheated, Luke tugs at his shirt,
          brushes SWEAT from his brow.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    So, what do you think makes a good
                    relationship?
          
                                                                  13.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    For real? I don't know.
                    Friendship. Great sex. Knowing
                    you want to be there even when it
                    gets scary or bloody.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                    Whoa.     Where'd that come from?
          
                                 LUKE
                    Sorry.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    No, it's just not the usual guy
                    thing. ...You're great, you know?
          
          Luke puts his hand on his chest, FEELS something.
          
          He stands, puts on his jacket.
          
                              LUKE
                    Will you excuse me a sec'?
          
          
          NEAR THE KITCHEN
          
          HYPER-VENTILATING, his arms CLUTCHING HIS CHEST,
          
          BEADS OF SWEAT on his forehead,
          
          Luke checks the Men's Room door: LOCKED.
          
          He ducks out the service entrance.
          
          
          EXT. PARKING LOT
          By the dumpster, Luke reaches behind his head, WHIPS off his
          jacket and shirt, and looks down...
          
          His eyes GO WIDE.
          
                                 LUKE
                    -AAH!
          
          On his chest: FEMALE BREASTS.
          
          Two WAITERS come outside for a smoke.
          
                              FIRST WAITER
                    Table twenty-nine. Like to bring
                    her the cannoli special.
          
                                                                  14.
          
          
          
          Luke peers over the dumpster, down at his breasts, with a
          HIGH FEVER, and PASSES OUT, slumping to the ground.
          
          BEHIND THE DUMPSTER - LATE NIGHT
          
          Luke's eyes open, dilated, disoriented. He's lying on the
          ground, shirtless among bits of garbage.
          
          He watches bleary-eyed, as a MOUSE peers at him from inside
          an empty milk carton. The mouse runs over and sniffs at a
          canteloupe, which triggers Luke's memory:
          
          He GRABS his chest, relieved to find it's back to normal.
          
          He stands, dizzy, surveying the dark, locked restaurant, and
          staggers across the deserted parking lot toward his truck.
          
          
          EXT. WOODED HIGHWAY - LATE NIGHT
          
          Luke's Semi THUNDERS along.
          
          INSIDE THE CAB
          
          Luke stares out in shock.
          
          He hears HEAVY BREATHING, MOANS, VOICES.
          
                               FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
                    Oh yes!   Don't stop!
          
          He looks around for the source of the sounds, glances over.
          
          RIGHT SIDE VIEW MIRROR
          
          in it's reflection a leering male, stripped to the waist.
          
                              MALE VOICE (O.S.)
                    Lie down for me, baby!
          
          The HEAD LAMPS of an oncoming car FLASH at him.
          
          As he glances out the driver-side window, MUSIC BLARES from
          the passing car.
          
          INSIDE THE CAR
          
          A glimpse of what might be an ORGY of BODIES intertwined.
          
          The FEMALE DRIVER - GRINS MANIACALLY UP at Luke as the CAR
          HORN SCREAMS by.
          
          Luke CAREENS to one side, glancing at the truck's
          
                                                                    15.
          
          
          
          LEFT SIDE VIEW MIRROR
          
          The car recedes in the distance, but the Female Driver
          appears CLOSE in the mirror's reflection, LEERING. She LICKS
          THE MIRROR from the inside, and disappears.
          
          THROUGH THE TRUCK WINDSHIELD
          
          Luke stares out, EYES GLAZED.
          
          
          INT. KEENAN AND LUKE'S GARAGE
          
          The decrepit old garage looks as if it may collapse any
          second. Barbells on the floor. Luke dodges and weaves,
          slugging a makeshift punching bag.
          
          Keenan appears, wiping sleep from his eyes.
          
                              KEENAN
                    We takin' up boxing?
          
                              LUKE
                    I don't know. I am.
          
                              KEENAN
                    What's goin' on? You competin' for
                    Mr. Universe this week?
          
                              LUKE
                    Everyone should just mind their own
                    fucking business!
          
          Keenan recoils at the attitude.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Didn't go so great, huh?
          
          Luke punches the bag, harder and faster, a near SEIZURE: ROAD
          RAGE.
          
          He collapses in a heap.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Dude.
          
                              LUKE
                    It was goin' great. She's amazing.
                    Funny. And really smart.    And the
                    way she eats ravioli, like 'aah.'
          
                              KEENAN
                    Cool.
          
                                                                  16.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Then I started feelin' all weird
                    again, and,... oh, man, you'll
                    think I'm nuts... Keen, I had
                    breasts. I felt 'em.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Whoa, first date.     Definitely the
                    'new Luke!'
          
                                 LUKE
                    No!     On me.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You're startin' to creep me out.
                    Listen, I think I know what's goin'
                    on, okay? "Acute Adolescent
                    Anxiety." It's from the stress of
                    college, girls, grades. It's
                    really common.
          
                              LUKE
                    I'm not an adolescent.    Where'd you
                    get this crap?!
          
                              KEENAN
                    The Net. I found all the symptoms
                    right off: panic attacks,
                    "Localized Alopecia" -that's hair
                    loss. This doctor wrote back, "Any
                    chance your friend, Luke, just lost
                    his virginity?"
          
                              LUKE
                    You told, -you gave him my name?!
          
                              KEENAN
                    He's a doctor, back East. He's
                    sending this information pack.
                    Look, I started thinkin' you're
                    goin' bipolar on me or somethin'.
                    Come on, man, BREASTS?!
          
          Luke considers.
          
          
          EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
          Luke hops down from the truck cab, fixes his shirt and hair,
          trying to look nonchalant as he rings the doorbell.
          
          Hearing something behind him, he turns as Max PUNCHES him in
          the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.
          
                                                          17.
          
          
          
                              MAX
                    You son-of-a-bitch, stay the hell
                    away from my sister!
          
          Luke GASPS for air.
          
                              MAX (CONT'D)
                    You don't say a word?! You just
                    leave her sittin' there?!
          
                              LUKE
                    I came to apologize.
          
          Max shoves him across the yard.
          
                              MAX
                    Get out a' here!   She's not home,
                    anyway.
          
                              LUKE
                    Will you tell her I came by?
          
                              MAX
                    No. She's honest with you, so you
                    bolt? And then what, you wake up
                    feelin' sorry for her?
          
                              LUKE
                    No! Is that what she thinks?   I
                    left 'cause a' what she said?
                    That's crazy! She's like the most
                    incredible girl I ever met!
          
          Max sneers, skeptical.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I had this 'pasta quattro funghi' -
                    four mushroom. It took me a while
                    to even figure it out, but I think
                    someone put shrooms in it, or
                    somehow they got in there by
                    mistake. I was hallucinating and
                    everything.
          
                              MAX
                    Amazes even me, a guy's capacity to
                    be a world-class asshole.
                    Fortunately, I'm familiar with the
                    cause.
          
                                                          18.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Will you please just tell her I
                    came by? Forget it. I'll catch up
                    with her on my own.
          
                                MAX
                    No.    You won't.
          
                              LUKE
                    Look, I'm gonna' see her again, -if
                    she'll see me. I don't care what
                    the fuck you say about it.
          
                              MAX
                    Oh, really?
          
          They face off.
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah, really.
          
                              MAX
                    You get near her, I'll feed your
                    nuts to the neighbor's dog!
          
                              LUKE
                    What kind a' dog is it?
          
                                MAX
                    Huh?
          
                              LUKE
                    I mean, is it a pitbull, or what?
          
          Caught off guard, a smile escapes Max.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I'm crazy about her.
          
                              MAX
                    Shrooms, huh?
          
          Luke nods 'yes.'
          
                              MAX (CONT'D)
                    I'll tell her you came by.
          
          Luke nods, appreciative.
          
                                                                     19.
          
          
          
          EXT. MUDDY WATERS' MINI-MART - NIGHT
          
          A tanker truck QUAKES past. Surrounded by fir trees, the
          eerily empty mini-mart glows with fluorescent junk food.
          
          INSIDE MINI-MART
          
          Luke stands behind the cash register, leafing through "The
          Outdoors Man."
          
          The CHIME BINGS and SYDNEY enters, early thirties, elegant in
          thrift-store chic. She's cool and in control, ...at least on
          the outside.
          
          She surveys random candy bars, stealing glances at Luke.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Had a sudden intense craving for a
                    cherry popsicle.
          
                              LUKE
                    You can check in that freezer.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    What a relief. I'm Sydney.    You?
          
                                 LUKE
                    Luke.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Workin' late, huh?   Luke?
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah, four AM. It sucks.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Sometimes you guys are just
                    unfathomably stupid.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Excuse me?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Why in the world do guys say "it
                    sucks" as if it were a bad thing?
                    I mean, every guy's dying to get a
                    blow job, right? So, you think
                    they'd treat those words with
                    profound respect, like holy
                    scripture. "What an unbelievable
                    sunset, honey: doesn't it just
                    SUCK?,"... "You won an Olympic Gold
                    Medal?!, that BLOWS!"
          
                                                                  20.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    I guess you're right.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    It must be great at your age. That
                    river of testosterone coursing
                    through your veins, the damn about
                    to burst! How about we just lock
                    this place up and go for an Olympic
                    Gold?
          
                                 LUKE
                    No thanks.     Jeez, lady.
          
          Disappointed, she checks her reflection in the freezer door.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I ought to dye my hair.      Don't you
                    think?
          
                              LUKE
                    Uh, I don't know.    Looks fine.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Your hair is such an incredible
                    color.
          
                              LUKE
                    It's brown.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I love it. Do you think I could
                    cut just a little piece? Match the
                    color? It really "sucks."
          
                              LUKE
                    Nah, c'mon. You're messin' with
                    me.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I'm not. I love it. You really
                    should get rid a' that thing,
                    anyway. I have clippers in my bag.
          
                              LUKE
                    What thing?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Cowlick. Right here.     See?   I can
                    just snip it off.
          
          She SNIPS his hair.    Luke pulls away.
          
                                                                     21.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Hey.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    What's the matter? Don't you like
                    being touched? Don't you like
                    being a guy?
          
                              LUKE
                    No. I mean,... What?      Sorry, but
                    you're just bizarre.
          
          She CHUCKLES, lays money on the counter.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    May be. But I learned long ago,
                    you can't change your true nature,
                    even if it can change you.
          
          As she leaves, she takes a provocative bite of the popsicle.
          
          
          EXT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - DUSK
          
          Acres of yellowing corn surround a dilapidated farmhouse
          converted into a pool hall. The windows glow from warm
          lights inside.
          
          Parked along the gravel driveway are pickup trucks, cars, and
          Luke's Semi.
          
          INSIDE POOL HALL
          
          Smoke, ROWDY MUSIC and the CLACK of cue balls.
          
          Keenan and Luke snake their way through the pool tables.
          
                              LUKE
                    Holy shit. It's that lady from the
                    store! Grey and black at the bar.
          
          Keenan looks over at Sydney, finishing off a bourbon.
          
          RENTAL COUNTER
          
          Janine and Michelle check out a rack of billiard balls from
          the worldly British owner, POLLY.
          
          She runs the place like a wild west saloon, with such ease
          and confidence, it suggests there may be a shotgun under the
          bar.
          
                                                                  22.
          
          
          
                                 POLLY
                       That boy, Keenan, still giving you
                       trouble?
          
                                 JANINE
                       Actually, I tried exactly what you
                       said.
          
                                 POLLY
                       And...?
          
                                 JANINE
                       Unbelievable! Thanks.
          
                                 POLLY
                       Works every time.
                           (to Michelle)
                       Nice to meet you, darling. I hope
                       you'll find not too many rules
                       here, and the drinks not too dear.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Yeah, thanks. It's amazing.
          
          Polly moves off.
          
                                 JANINE
                       Isn't she great? Guys drive across
                       the state just to buy a beer from
                       her. Total loner, though.    No
                       one's ever seen her with anyone.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       What did she tell you to try?
          
          Janine whispers in her ear.
          
          Michelle's jaw drops open, scandalized.
          
          They LAUGH.
          
          AT THE BAR
          
          Luke hands his keys to JEREMY, the handsome bartender, in
          exchange for a full pitcher of beer.
          
                                 LUKE
                       Thanks, man.
          
                                 KEENAN
                       Oh, God. She's eyeing you.    I
                       think she's comin' over.
          
                                                            23.
          
          
          
          Sydney saunters up.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Can I buy you a drink?
          
                              LUKE
                    Uh, no thanks. We're already here
                    with dates and stuff.
          
                                SYDNEY
                    You are?    Who? Where is she?
          
                              KEENAN
                    They're around somehwere.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Luke, if you like this girl, we
                    better talk.
          
                                LUKE
                    What?
          
          Sydney glances around, talks quietly.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Anything happen since we last
                    spoke? Hot flashes? Pressure in
                    your chest?
          
          Luke pales.
          
                                LUKE
                    No.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Who are you?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Dr. Sydney Catchadourian.     Keenan,
                    right?
          
                              LUKE
                    You know him?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    We exchanged E-mail.    I came right
                    away.
          
          Luke gives Keenan the evil eye.
          
                              KEENAN
                    From Philadelphia?   Why?
          
                                                                  24.
          
          
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Your friend here has an extra
                       chromosome.
          
          The little remaining color in Luke's face now drains away.
          He shakes his head 'no.'
          
                                 LUKE
                       Someone put mushrooms in my
                       mushroom sauce.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       I tested your hair.
          
                                 LUKE
                       You're like some whack job.   Get
                       the hell away from me.
          
          Luke moves off, sloshing beer.     Sydney sighs.
          
                                  SYDNEY
                       Denial, denial, denial. Always the
                       first step. Keep him away from
                       that girl.
          
                                 KEENAN
                       What're you talkin' about?
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Chromosomes. Most people have
                       forty-six: Two X if you're a girl,
                       an X and Y if you're a guy. He's
                       got forty seven: An X, a Y, and a
                       Z.
          
          POOL TABLE
          
          Janine and Michelle select pool cues.
          
                                 JANINE
                       We've only been together six
                       months. And he's such a guy's guy,
                       everyone's buddy, but, alcoholic
                       parents, six months in "Juvey."
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Wild past, huh?
          
                                                                  25.
          
          
          
                                 JANINE
                       I think the only reason he's even
                       alive right now, is okay, partly
                       'cause he's so damn smart, but
                       mostly 'cause there's this one
                       person, he knows, absolutely, no
                       matter what, won't bale on him.
          
                                  MICHELLE
                       You.
          
                                JANINE
                       No. He doesn't trust me at all.
                       Luke. He's a rock.
          
                                  MICHELLE
                       Yeah?
          
                                 JANINE
                       So, yes, you can trust him. I'm
                       hoping Keenan's the same way.
                       'Cause believe me, I'm not used to
                       rocks, I'm used to pebbles.
          
          Michelle LAUGHS.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Grains of sand.
          
          Luke rejoins them with the pitcher of beer, glancing back
          toward the bar. Keenan comes too, with a look of concern.
          
                                 JANINE
                       Everything okay?
          
                                  KEENAN
                       Sure.   I need a drink.
          
          Keenan steals glances at Luke, trying to sort it all out.
          
                                 KEENAN (CONT'D)
                           (aside to Luke)
                       That lady's nuts.
          
          Luke nods.
          
          AT THE BAR
          
          Sydney sits at a bar stool, keeping an eye on Luke and
          Michelle. Jeremy lays out a cocktail napkin, speaks with a
          slight Texas drawl.
          
                                                                  26.
          
          
          
                              JEREMY
                    Another round?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Please. You see that couple over
                    there? I don't get it. What's he
                    see in her?
          
                              JEREMY
                    The brunette? You kiddin'? I'd
                    give my left one to be with her.
          
                               SYDNEY
                    Yeah?   So could he.
          
          POOL TABLE - LATER
          
          Now alone with Michelle, Luke lines up his cue stick, then
          catches Michelle's admiring eyes.
          
          She smiles, glances over at Keenan and Janine, making out by
          the jukebox.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Your friends sorta' like each
                    other, huh?
          
                              LUKE
                    Super-glue. Thirty seconds
                    together, you can't pull 'em apart.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    How'd they meet?
          
                              LUKE
                    Keenan sold her a bike. I don't
                    think they've been apart more than
                    six hours since.
          
          Luke peers over the corner pocket, and watches Michelle shoot
          and sink the ball.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I never thought in a million years
                    you'd go out with me, let alone
                    twice.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    You're not s'posed to say that.
                    That's a total pathetic, loser
                    thing to say. But I'm gonna' take
                    it as a huge compliment.
          
                                                                  27.
                                 MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                       Okay, two word answers only. Why'd
                       you ask me out in the first place?
          
                                 LUKE
                       Beautiful. Unpretentious.     Why'd
                       you say 'yes?'
          
                                  MICHELLE
                       Gentle.
          
          Luke sneers, not his favorite compliment.
          
                                  MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                       ...Hot.   Deep.   Three words.
          
          He smiles.
          
                                 LUKE
                       Okay, two words. What're you most
                       passionate about?
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Friendship. Trust.     You?
          
                                  LUKE
                       Hockey.   ...Hockey.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       So much for "deep."
          
          They LAUGH.
          
                                  LUKE
                       You.
          
          The electricity between them charges the air.
          
          Luke maneuvers himself closer.
          
                                 LUKE (CONT'D)
                       Okay, I'm gonna' take a wild shot.
                       Ricochet off the back, over here,
                       then straight into that side
                       pocket. What are my chances?
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Point zero zero zero one.
          
          Luke takes his shot,...
          
          and KISSES HER.
          
          The ball ricochets off the back, across the table, and sinks
          in the pocket at the side.
          
                                                                        28.
          
          
          
          AT THE BAR
          
          Jeremy looks on, aroused.        Sydney squints, dismayed, barely
          able to watch.
          
                                JEREMY
                       Damn. Will you look at that tonsil
                       hockey?
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       I'd prefer not. This could get
                       bad.
          
                                 JEREMY
                       You've been staring at him all
                       night. You got a thing for him, or
                       what?
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Actually, I'm hoping he's got one
                       for me.
          
          POOL TABLE
          
          Keenan and Janine rejoin Luke and Michelle, all four elated.
          
                                 KEENAN
                       Looks like you two are gettin' on
                       okay. Should we rack up another
                       game?
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Definitely! I'd like to get good
                       at this pool thing.
          
          Luke racks up the balls as Michelle lines up the cue.
          
                                 MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                       Okay, I'm gonna' break this wide
                       open!
          
                                    LUKE
                       Go for it!
          
          Before Keenan has lifted the wooden triangle rack,
          
          Michelle HAMMERS the cue ball.
          
          It CRACKS off the rack,
          
          ROCKETS off the table,...
          
          and CANNONBALLS Luke in the CROTCH.
          
                                                                  29.
          
          
          
          Keenan, Michelle, and Janine ALL GASP.
          
          They CRINGE, poised, waiting for Luke to react.
          
                                   MICHELLE
                       God.    Sorry.
          
          Luke picks the cue ball up off the floor and sets it on the
          table.
          
          He sees them watching him.
          
                                   LUKE
                       What?
          
                                 KEENAN
                       Man, I'd be on the floor cryin'
                       like a baby.
          
                                 LUKE
                       No, I'm all right.
          
          Surprised, they return to the game.
          
          Michelle lines up the cue ball again, as Luke considers,...
          
          with a slow-dawning realization that something, somehow, just
          isn't right.
          
          He casually touches his hand to his pants.
          
          He pales slightly.
          
                                 LUKE (CONT'D)
                       Would you excuse me a sec'?
          
          He looks to Keenan for help.
          
          AT THE BAR
          
          Sydney watches as Keenan and Luke cross the hall toward the
          back.
          
          She flags Jeremy.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Jeremy! Bourbon. Fast!
                           (a glance at Luke)
                       Better give me the whole bottle.
          
                                                                  30.
          
          
          
          OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM
          
          Luke tries the men's room door, locked.
          
                                 KEENAN
                    In here.
          
          Keenan opens another door that leads them into a store room.
          Luke follows, with a look of concern.
          
          INSIDE STORE ROOM
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    I mean, it was like a precision-
                    guided missile.
          
          Luke unzips and gently digs in his trousers.
          
          He looks down, SHUDDERS,...
          
                                 LUKE
                    Uh- ah-
          
          Luke's face CONTORTS, terrified.
          
                              KEENAN
                    I'll get some ice.
          
          Luke shakes his head "no," points toward his crotch, GASPS,
          barely able to make a sound...
          
                                 LUKE
                    It's-!     Look!
          
          Keenan gives him a look, repelled, perplexed...
          
                                 KEENAN
                    What?
          
          then takes a look,...
          
          His EYES GET HUGE.
          
                                 KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    DUDE!!!
          
          Sydney BURSTS in with the bottle of bourbon.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I was afraid a' this!
                        (to Keenan)
                    Make sure no one gets in!
          
                                                                   31.
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                        (to Luke)
                    Now, will you listen to me?!
          
          Luke, slack-jawed, keeps checking himself.   Each time the
          horror of it grows more intense.
          
                               LUKE
                    Oh, GOD!
          
          Sydney uncaps the bourbon and drops capsules in from a
          prescription bottle.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    It's gonna' come back.    Drink this!
          
                              LUKE
                    What're you givin' me?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Valium. Flexeril. And a shitload
                    of Darvon. You gotta' calm down.
          
                              LUKE
                    "Caaalm Down?!!!!!!"
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Here we go...
          
          He and Sydney have to yell to hear over Luke's escalating
          MANTRA...
          
                              LUKE
                    "CAAALM DOWN?!!!"
          
                              KEENAN
                    What's wrong with him?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    He's a Zerophiliac.
          
                              KEENAN
                    A what?! I'm gettin' a doctor!
                    This isn't right!
          
          Sydney GRABS Keenan, SHOVES him against the wall.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I am a doctor! You breathe one
                    word, anyone else sees him like
                    this, and he's fucked! Pictures
                    all over the net, tabloids,
                    television!
          
                                                                    32.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    TELE-VISION?!!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    No!  We're gonna' get it back!
                        (to Keenan)
                    You let me help him, he gets a
                    normal body, lives a normal life.
                    Now, you his friend or not?!
          
          Keenan nods that 'yes, he is.'     Sydney releases him.
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    Hang onto him. So he doesn't get
                    hurt when he passes out.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Now just wait a sec'?     Is it
                    CONTAGIOUS?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    There are no recorded incidents of
                    transmission from physical contact.
          
                              KEENAN
                    "Recorded incidents?!!"
          
                              LUKE
                    Oh, PLEASE God!     What did I DO
                    WRONG?!
          
                               SYDNEY
                    Nothing.   You're a Z.
          
                              KEENAN
                    "RECORDED INCIDENTS?!"     Oh my God,
                    I used his deodorant!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Oh, will you calm down?
          
                               KEENAN
                    "C A L M    D O W N ?!!!"
          
                               LUKE
                    "C A L M    D O W N ?!!!"
          
          Luke's eyes glaze over...
          
          He weaves, losing his balance...
          
                               SYDNEY
                    Finally.
          
                                                                    33.
          
          
          
          Sydney helps Luke FLOP DOWN on the floor.    He passes out.
          
                               SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    He'll be alright. He didn't go all
                    the way. When you fall asleep or
                    pass out, a Z almost always reverts
                    back. It's called a Nocturnal
                    Remission.
          
          Keenan approaches Luke, then steps back.
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, relax, it's not contagious.
          
          Keenan grabs the bourbon-Darvon concoction from Sydney, wipes
          the rim of the bottle just in case, then takes a big swig.
          
          
          INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - LATE NIGHT
          
          On a corner table sits high-tech laboratory equipment.
          
          Keenan and Luke gulp beers, still in shock.   Luke keeps one
          hand down his pants for reassurance.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    In the world?   A hundred. A
                    thousand. There's no way to know.
                    It doesn't show up in any normal
                    DNA test. It's triggered when you
                    first have sex.
          
                              LUKE
                    The woman in the RV!
          
                                 KEENAN
                        (dark)
                    From Utah.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Now, you're Morphescent whenever
                    you're aroused.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You tellin' me this is gonna'
                    happen any time he gets the hots
                    for a girl?
          
          Keenan looks over at Luke...
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Man, this could be a problem.
          
                                                           34.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Is there a cure?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    It's not a disease!    But there are
                    steps you can take.
          
                              LUKE
                    Well, what are they?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Take it easy. You can't rush this.
                    Before anything, you need to try
                    going all the way.
          
                              KEENAN
                    "All the way?"
          
                              SYDNEY
                    You need to turn all the way into a
                    female.
          
                              LUKE
                    You out of your mind?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    You have to give it a try.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Maybe we should get a second
                    opinion.
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah, may be! 'Cause you can
                    FORGET THAT!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Fine, but I warn you, they've never
                    seen this before. First, they'll
                    try a barrage of antipsychotic
                    medications, surgery, electroshock
                    therapy, -god knows what.
          
                              KEENAN
                    If he were to try goin' all the
                    way, then what?
          
          Luke glares at him.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    I'm just askin'.
          
                                                                35.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    It ain't gonna' happen!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Oh, for Chris' sake! I'm trying to
                    help you. That Z chromosome's not
                    latent anymore! You don't get
                    control a' that thing, you don't
                    know when it's going to kick in,
                    what it's gonna' do! You want to
                    end up with three left breasts,
                    behemoth hips and one testicle?!
          
          Luke and Keenan swallow, wide-eyed at the prospect.
          
          Sydney calms herself down.
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    Now, there's no reason for that to
                    happen. Sorry. You're not the
                    only one who didn't get any sleep.
                    Now, are you going to let me help,
                    or not?
          
                              KEENAN
                    How would he even do that?   Go all
                    the way, I mean?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    He's a Z.
                        (to Luke)
                    You become Morphescent when you get
                    turned on. You can change all the
                    way when you have an orgasm.
          
                                LUKE
                    With who?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I'm available.
          
                                LUKE
                    No way!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Well, excuse me. Truth is, at this
                    stage, you don't really need anyone
                    else.
          
                                LUKE
                    Huh?
          
                                                                 36.
          
          
          
          Sydney wearily sips a highball. She looks to Keenan for
          help. Keenan flashes the international sign for jacking off.
          
                                 LUKE (CONT'D)
                    Oh.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    It's a lot to absorb, I know. When
                    you're ready, give me a call. Your
                    first time, you shouldn't be alone.
          
          
          EXT. CEMETERY - DAWN
          
          A deserted, hilltop cemetery. Luke sits on the manicured
          lawn, across from a gravestone with vestigial images of
          brightly colored smiley-faces and fish.
          
                              LUKE
                    Michelle. And I really like her,
                    dad. But,...
          
          He bounces a soccer ball against the headstone.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    You know, I always thought your
                    dying was the worst thing that ever
                    happened to me, and that happened
                    more to you than it did to me... I
                    mean, a lot more, really.
          
          Luke paces nervously.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    Look, every day I wish you were
                    around, but I swear, if I tell you
                    this, you damn well better stay
                    dead!
          
          He glances at a burial ceremony, half-mile away.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    And I swear to God I'm gonna' beat
                    this thing. No matter what it
                    takes. Before I tell you, I just
                    want to make sure you know that,
                    okay?
          
          A hushed voice...
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I think I might be a Zerophiliac.
          
                                                                  37.
          
          
          
          EXT. LUMBER MILL
          
          Keenan and Luke spar on roller blades, hockey sticks in hand.
          Luke WHACKS the hockey puck with such intensity, it may land
          on Mars.
          
                              LUKE
                    I'm not doin' it. I don't care
                    what she says! I can control this
                    thing.
          
                                KEENAN
                    How?
          
                              LUKE
                    I didn't know what was goin' on
                    before. I do now, so, it's not
                    gonna' be a problem. I just need
                    to stay focused!
          
                              KEENAN
                    You mean, keep yourself from
                    getting turned on? How're you
                    gonna' do that? You get turned on
                    by two scoops of ice cream.
          
          Luke glares at him.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    I'm just sayin'. I mean, you think
                    Larissa, the horse-faced girl's got
                    her good points.
          
          Michelle and Janine ride up on their bikes.
          
                              JANINE
                    I knew we'd find 'em here.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    We just wanted to know if you're
                    alright. After last night.
          
                                LUKE
                    Yeah.    I'm fine.   Thanks.   Perfect.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Good.
                        (slightly suggestive)
                    Good.
          
          Luke smiles, his face REDDENS.
          
                                                                    38.
          
          
          
                                MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                      I had a really good.
          
                                 LUKE
                      Me too.
          
          Luke smiles, nods, followed by a look of PANIC.
          
                                LUKE (CONT'D)
                      Will you excuse me a sec'?
          
          He ducks away.
          
                                JANINE
                      What is goin' on?!
          
                                KEENAN
                      We just need to be alone.   We got
                      a big game tomorrow. Sometimes
                      guys just need to hang with the
                      guys, you know? No distractions?
          
          Janine gives him a look of "What the hell are you talkin'
          about?"
          
          Keenan stares back, PLEADING.
          
          Janine relents, despite herself.
          
                                JANINE
                      C'mon, Michelle. Let the boys play
                      with their pucks.
          
          BEHIND STACKS OF LUMBER
          
          Luke leans against the logs, wipes sweat from his brow, and
          realizes...
          
          SOMETHING'S HAPPENING AGAIN.
          
          Panicked, he grabs his crotch, feels it,
          
          Everything's normal.
          
          Or is it?
          
          He frantically unbuttons his shirt and peers inside,...
          
          He slumps back against the logs,
          
          WAVES OF RELIEF.
          
                                                                  39.
          
          
          
          INT. LUKE'S HOUSE - DAY
          
          Luke storms through the house, trying to evade Janine, who
          enthusiastically follows. Keenan traipses after.
          
                              LUKE
                    You TOLD HER?!
          
                              KEENAN
                    I had to. You know Janine.   She
                    knew somethin' was up.
          
                              JANINE
                    I've read about this kinda' thing,
                    but I didn't think it was real.
                    It's so cool!
          
                              LUKE
                    It's disgusting!
          
                              JANINE
                    How can you say that? If I had a
                    chance to be a guy for a day, I'd
                    jump at it. Seriously, Keen,
                    wouldn't you want to get inside a
                    girl's body?
          
          Realizing she just handed him the perfect straight line...
          
                              JANINE (CONT'D)
                    Don't EVEN go there!
                        (rolling her eyes)
                    Fine. You're boys. Still, isn't
                    it every guy's dream to have a pair
                    of boobs to play with anytime he
                    wants?
          
                              LUKE
                    Not my own!
                        (to Keenan)
                    Man, how could you tell her?!
          
                              KEENAN
                    She should be here. It's just
                    weird, two guys alone, one turnin'
                    into a girl.
          
                              JANINE
                    Yeah, I can't wait. Not exactly
                    something you get to see every day.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Forget it!
          
                                                                  40.
          
          
          
                              JANINE
                    What, HE gets to, and I don't!
          
                              LUKE
                    No one gets to!
          
          Luke goes in the bedroom, SLAMS the door.
          
          Keenan and Janine take up residence outside.
          
          Janine tries to peek through the keyhole, beneath the door.
          
                              JANINE
                    Should we put on some soft music?
          
                              KEENAN
                    You want a magazine in there?
          
                                LUKE (O.S.)
                    Shut up!
          
          LATER
          
          Janine keeps an ear held close against the door.
          
                              KEENAN
                    How 'bout a couple beers?
          
                              JANINE
                    Maybe you want to take a bath?
          
                              LUKE (O.S.)
                    Will you PLEASE shut up?!
          
                              JANINE
                    Does he sound different?
          
                                KEENAN
                    Think so.
          
                               LUKE (O.S.)
                    Oh God!
                        (lewd)
                    Oh, my God!
                        (rising in pitch)
                    Oh my GAWD!
          
          Keenan and Janine exchange a worried look.
          
                                                                   41.
          
          
          
          INSIDE THE BEDROOM
          
          Now approaching the mirror, in awe, ...gently raising a hand
          to touch the exquisite FEMALE FACE reflected there, stands a
          real female, an absolutely FEMALE LUKE.
          
          OUTSIDE THE DOOR
          
          Janine knocks.
          
                                JANINE
                    Luke?    You alright?
          
          The door opens, revealing Female Luke, wrapped in a sheet.
          
          Keenan clutches Janine.
          
          They STARE, AT A TOTAL LOSS, INCREDULOUS...
          
                                KEENAN
                    Whoa.
          
                                JANINE
                    Dude.
          
          Female Luke speaks, with an unmistakably female voice.
          
                              FEMALE LUKE
                    Happened fast, huh?
          
                              JANINE
                    Can we see?
          
          Female Luke hesitates.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Come on. It's not like I haven't
                    seen you naked a hundred times.
                    And she's a girl!
          
          Female Luke shyly parts the sheet, revealing her stunning
          naked torso.
          
                                KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Whoa.
          
                              JANINE
                    Dude.
                        (exasperated)
                    Of course they're perfect. I
                    couldn't have tits like that?
          
          Female Luke checks herself out in the mirror.
          
                                                                    42.
          
          
          
                                 FEMALE LUKE
                    Oh, God.     Look at me.
          
          Keenan and Janine sit on the edge of the bed, in shock.
          
                              FEMALE LUKE (CONT'D)
                    What's the matter?
          
          Keenan, afraid to answer, looks to Janine.
          
          They both have the same reaction...
          
                              JANINE
                    You're really hot.    Victoria's
                    Secret hot.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Sports Illustrated Swimsuit
                    edition.
          
                              JANINE
                    Latvian Lesbians' Hidden Camera
                    Chronicles.
                        (to Keenan)
                    Don't look at me, -it's your tape.
          
          Keenan keeps his distance from Luke, embarrassed, if turned
          on.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Look, I just wanna' get one thing
                    straight. No way I'm gonna' sleep
                    with you.
          
                              FEMALE LUKE
                    Man, even as a joke, that's just
                    SICK!
          
                              JANINE
                    I will. I'm definitely not into
                    the butch hair thing, though.   You
                    gotta' do something about that.
          
          Keenan looks at her shocked.
          
                              JANINE (CONT'D)
                    I thought you're into watchin' two
                    girls?
          
          Keenan's speechless.
          
          Female Luke can't stop gazing at herself in the mirror.
          
                                                                     43.
          
          
          
                              FEMALE LUKE
                    This is too weird. This is
                    freaking me out.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Should we call Dr. Catchadourian?
          
                              FEMALE LUKE
                    What for? I did it. Now, I can
                    switch back. Get outta' here.
          
                                 JANINE
                    Already?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Yeah, okay, yeah.
          
                              JANINE
                    Will you stop starin'?!
          
          Janine rolls her eyes, as she and Keenan back out of the
          room, their eyes locked on her amazing body.
          
          
          OUTSIDE BEDROOM - LATER
          
          Janine and Keenan are sprawled on the nearby couch.
          
          Luca opens the door.
          
                              FEMALE LUKE
                    Janine? It's like I can't get in
                    the right mood or something.
          
                              JANINE
                    Welcome to my world. Oh, honey, no
                    one could in this situation.
          
                               FEMALE LUKE
                    You gotta' help. I need to do this
                    right now!
          
                              JANINE
                    You can't force these things.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Some girls go half their lives
                    before they even have one.
          
                              JANINE
                    Okay, Studly, what do you suggest?
          
                                                                       44.
          
          
          
                                 KEENAN
                       She likes it when I tell her stuff.
          
                                    JANINE
                       Like what?
          
                                 KEENAN
                       "You're so beautiful,"
                       "I love your smile,"
                       "The English Patient was my
                       favorite movie too."
          
          Janine and Female Luke both roll their eyes.       Female Luke
          swings the door shut.
          
          The DOORBELL CHIMES.
          
                                 FEMALE LUKE (O.S.)
                       Who's that?!
          
                                  KEENAN
                       Pizza!   Figured you'll want some
                       after.
          
          FRONT DOOR
          
          Janine throws it open, Max stands outside.
          
                                    MAX
                       Hey.
          
                                 JANINE
                       Can I help you?
          
                                 MAX
                       I was lookin' for Luke.
          
                                 KEENAN
                       Hey, man. He's not around right
                       now. What's up?
          
          Female Luke comes out of the bedroom, wrapped in a sheet.
          
                                    FEMALE LUKE
                       Thank God.     I'm starving!
          
          She stops in her tracks, stares at Max.
          
          Max stares back, intrigued.
          
                                 MAX
                       How ya' doin'?
          
                                                                  45.
          
          
          
          Female Luke nods 'okay.'
          
                                MAX (CONT'D)
                    I'm Max.    You live here too?
          
          Janine, Keenan, and Female Luke are momentarily speechless.
          
                               JANINE
                    No.   She's just visiting.
          
                              KEENAN
                    She's Luke's cousin.
          
                                JANINE
                    Luca.
          
          Keenan and Luca GLARE at Janine.
          
          Max gazes at Luca, spellbound.
          
                              MAX
                    I always thought "Luca" was a guy's
                    name? Italian or something.
          
          Luca wraps herself more tightly in the sheet.
          
                              LUCA
                    I'm part Italian.
          
                              MAX
                    Cool. I'm part Italian too. The
                    important part.
                        (perfect Italian)
                    Lei sono una bella donna. Amerei
                    per mostrarlo il che inclinando
                    torre di pisa.
          
                              LUCA
                    What's that mean?
          
          His eyes fixed on Luca, he smiles.
          
                              MAX
                    You in town for a while?
          
                              JANINE
                    No, just a few weeks.
          
                                LUCA
                    'Weeks?!'
          
                                KEENAN
                    Days.
          
                                                                   46.
          
          
          
                              LUCA
                    I'm leaving today!    Now!
          
                               KEENAN
                    Is there anything you want me to
                    tell Luke?
          
          Max gets fluid, scanning the room for a toehold, infatuated
          by Luca. He seizes on a hockey stick.
          
                              MAX
                    I'm way into hockey. I was hopin'
                    Luke could show me the ropes. Is
                    he as awesome as I've heard?
          
                                 LUCA
                    Yeah.     He's alright.
          
                              MAX
                    Do you play?
          
                              LUCA
                    Uh, I don't know.
          
                              JANINE
                    She's gotta' pack.    You need to go.
          
                              MAX
                    Really nice meeting you.
          
          Janine ushers Max out the door and shuts it on him.
          
          Luca ducks into the bedroom, shuts the door.
          
          INSIDE BEDROOM
          
          Luca at the window, peers out between the curtains, watching,
          as Max walks away.
          
          OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
          
          As Max gets to the end of the driveway, he stops and turns
          back, sporting a charming smile.
          
          INSIDE THE BEDROOM
          
          Luca jumps away from the window, smacking into Janine.
          
                              JANINE
                    Are you okay?
          
          Luca just stares back at her, nonplussed.
          
                                                                    47.
          
          
          
                              JANINE (CONT'D)
                    What is it? What's
                    the matter?
                        (beginning to get it)
                    Oh...
          
                                 LUCA
                    "Oh" what?     What do you mean, "oh?"
          
                              JANINE
                        (shrugs)
                    He's a hunk.
          
                              LUCA
                    I got to switch back.    Right now!
          
                              JANINE
                    What's the big deal?
          
                              LUCA
                    Get out of here!     Just GET OUT!
          
                              JANINE
                    Okay, okay.
          
          OUTSIDE BEDROOM
          
          Janine emerges from the bedroom to join Keenan.    He looks up
          at her, questioning.
          
                              KEENAN
                    What's goin' on?
          
                              JANINE
                    It's a girl thing.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Does he need any help in there?
          
                              JANINE
                    Not from you.
          
          
          OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR - LATER
          
          Keenan and Janine sprawled out, leaning against the door,
          half-eaten pizza between them on the floor, WEARY.
          
          BUZZING emanates from inside the bedroom.
          
                              LUCA (O.S.)
                    This is good!
          
                                                            48.
          
          
          
          Keenan and Janine PERK UP.
          
                                KEENAN
                    Finally.
          
                              JANINE
                    Alright, okay, now open those
                    little levers on the sides,... and
                    flip that center thingy back...
          
          Keenan finds this particularly unsettling.
          
                              LUCA (O.S.)
                        (enthused)
                    Did you get this thing at the mall?
          
                                JANINE
                    No.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Janine wouldn't have one a' those.
          
                              JANINE
                    Please. And mine's got way more
                    features than that one.
                        (Keenan's crotch)
                    Or that one.
          
          Keenan gives her the evil eye.
          
                              LUCA (O.S.)
                    So, where'd you get it?
          
                              JANINE
                    It was Larissa's.    My roommate.
          
          Inside the bedroom, the BUZZING STOPS.
          
                                LUCA (O.S.)
                    GROSSS!!!
          
          OUTSIDE DOOR
          
          Keenan grabs the last bottle from his six-pack.
          
                              KEENAN
                    I'm just sayin', he's not that
                    experienced with girls.
          
                              JANINE
                    Oh, and you are?
          
                                                                   49.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    I'm startin' to wonder if you are?
          
                              JANINE
                    I'm not gonna' feed your fantasies.
          
          Keenan flips the TV remote, disturbed.
          
          INSIDE THE BEDROOM
          
          Luca sits on the edge of the bed, frustrated.
          
                                JANINE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                    Luca?
          
                              LUCA
                    Don't call me that!
          
                              JANINE (O.S.)
                    You gotta' just think about
                    whatever turns you on. No matter
                    what it is.
          
          Luca considers, she goes over to the window, peers out
          momentarily, then draws back.
          
          OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM
          
          Janine lies down on the floor.
          
                              JANINE (CONT'D)
                        (last ditch)
                    Okay, pretend you're thrown on your
                    back, pinned against the bed...
          
          Spread eagle, eyes closed, she fantasizes, as she directs...
          
                              JANINE (CONT'D)
                    You can't move an arm, a leg,
                    nothing, even an inch!
          
          Keenan glances over, taken aback at her tone...
          
                               JANINE (CONT'D)
                    And two strong hands feel your
                    thighs,...
          
          Keenan watches, getting turned on...
          
                               JANINE (CONT'D)
                    creeping firmly, slowly toward your
                    breasts...
          
                                                                  50.
          
          
          
          Keenan lunges for Janine.
          
                                JANINE (CONT'D)
                    Keen!
          
                              KEENAN
                    Babe, every time I look at you, I
                    get the shivers! I just want to
                    rip your clothes off, and throw you
                    down...
          
                                JANINE
                    Oh, Keen!
          
          They're kissing, ROLLING AROUND TOGETHER now,...
          
                              KEENAN
                    I want to envelop every inch of
                    you, that incredible curve along
                    your side,...
          
          They roll on the floor, clothes torn...
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    I want to pin your arms over your
                    head, and make mad, passionate...
          
                                LUCA (O.S.)
                    AAAHHH!
          
          Keenan and Janine RECOIL.
          
          Whether agony or ecstasy, it's a frightening sound.
          
          The door opens.
          
          Luke stands in his shorts, ALL MALE.
          
                              JANINE
                    You're a screamer.
          
          
          EXT. LANGFORD STATUARY SUPPLY - NIGHT
          
          Sydney makes her way through a barbed-wire fence, past a "No
          Trespassing" sign. A lone DOG HOWLS in the distance.
          
          Life-size replicas of Greek Gods, Venus and David, all face
          one way in the mist. Their cold stone bodies press up
          against each other; nude, indifferent.
          
          A figure peers out between the statues in a long black coat,
          a baseball cap over his eyes: Luke.
          
                                                           51.
          
          
          
                              SYDNEY
                    What are we doing here?
          
                              LUKE
                    Didn't want anyone around.   So, I
                    did what you said.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Amazing, huh?
          
                               LUKE
                    Weird.   Awful.
          
                             SYDNEY
                    Hmm. Was it difficult making the
                    switch?
          
                              LUKE
                    No. It was hard gettin' back.      I
                    need an owner's manual.
          
          Sydney smiles, nods in agreement.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    A lot of guys could use one of
                    those.
          
                               LUKE
                    So, what now? Do I take pills or
                    something?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    No, it doesn't work like that.
                    This may sound odd, but I need to
                    know if you're attracted to me.
          
                                   LUKE
                    What?    No.
          
                                SYDNEY
                    Hmm.    You're not gay, are you?
          
                              LUKE
                    NO! Jeez! I'm just not attracted
                    to you like that.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Okay, calm down. This could be a
                    problem. Right now, you can go
                    either way anytime you want. It's
                    a very special and critical time
                    for a Z, something you'll
                    experience only once in life.
          
                                                52.
          
          
          
                      LUKE
          Good.
          
                    SYDNEY
          You need to use this incredible
          opportunity you've been given, to
          figure out which you're supposed to
          be: male or female.
          
                      LUKE
          What?
          
                    SYDNEY
          Don't you see? You get to choose.
          
                    LUKE
          I don't want to choose.   I want to
          be a guy.
          
                    SYDNEY
          Yes, well, the thing is, sometimes
          your desires can conflict with your
          desires. It's important to know
          for sure.
          
                    LUKE
          Believe me, I know.
          
                    SYDNEY
          I think you need to try again.
          
                      LUKE
          No way!
          
                    SYDNEY
          Why're you so resistant? If the
          truth is, you want to be a guy,
          great, but if not...
          
                    LUKE
          Don't even say that!
          
                    SYDNEY
          Well, clearly some part of you
          feels differently. You couldn't
          change if you didn't want to.
          
                      LUKE
          What?!    That's crap!
          
                                                                    53.
          
          
          
                              SYDNEY
                    That's the thing about the truth.
                    It'll set you free, but first it
                    can really piss you off.
          
          Sydney moves to leave.
          
                              LUKE
                    This is nuts! I'm supposed to be a
                    guy!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Then what's the problem?   You are
                    one.
          
          Sydney turns to leave.
          
                              LUKE
                    You're not gonna' help?!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I will, the moment you're ready to
                    try again. You can come back to my
                    place right now if you want.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Forget it!
          
          
          EXT. LUMBER MILL - DAY
          
          Bikes and SUV's outside the shut down mill.    Abandoned timber
          surrounds an asphalt clearing.
          
          Luke, Keenan, Chad, Jeremy, and OTHER GUYS in the midst of a
          friendly, if brutal roller hockey game.
          
          Luke glances over and spots Max high up on a pile of logs,
          cheering them on.
          
          Jeremy passes the puck off to Luke who drives it MANIACALLY
          to score the winning GOAL.
          
          The Guys CHEER.
          
                              CHAD
                    Well, ain't we a basket a'
                    biscuits?
          
                              JEREMY
                    Yeah, Luke, what got into you
                    today?
          
                                                                  54.
          
          
          
                                    LUKE
                    The Force.
          
          AFTER THE GAME
          
          The guys gather up their belongings near the cars.
          
          Luke sits on the running board of his truck, unlacing his
          skates.
          
          Max comes over.
          
                                MAX
                    Hey.    Good game.
          
                                    LUKE
                    Yeah.
          
                              MAX
                    I dropped by your place. Any chance
                    you could give me a few pointers.
          
                                    LUKE
                    Me?
          
                              MAX
                    You're awesome out there. And
                    according to my sister, you walk on
                    water.
          
          Luke grunts, a smile.
          
                              MAX (CONT'D)
                    Truth is, I uh, met your cousin.
                    Luca.
          
                                    LUKE
                    Oh.     Yeah?
          
                              MAX
                    You both have practically the same
                    name?
          
                              LUKE
                    We were both named after our Uncle.
                    Locasto.
          
                              MAX
                    Well, she's cool. Actually, she's
                    hot. I was hopin' maybe you could
                    hook me up.
          
                                                                   55.
          
          
          
                                 LUKE
                    Huh?   No.    Not a chance.
          
                                 MAX
                    Boyfriend?
          
                              LUKE
                    No! She just wouldn't be
                    interested!
          
                              MAX
                    She a Lesbian?
          
                              LUKE
                    No! Of course not.     Jesus!   She's,
                    -my cousin!
          
                              MAX
                    Yeah, okay. So? Michelle's my
                    sister. You gonna' tell me you
                    wouldn't like to do her?!
          
                              LUKE
                    FUCK YOU, man!
          
          Luke SHOVES Max, who SHOVES him right back.
          
                              MAX
                    What is your deal?!
          
                              LUKE
                    You ASSHOLE!
          
          Luke lunges for him.
          
          They go at it, wrestling FIERCELY.
          
          Max gets the upper hand, and pins Luke down to the ground.
          
          Luke surges with RAGE, breaks free. Grit teeth, ripped
          clothes, they roll on top of each other, two rabid pitbulls.
          
          Keenan and the Other Guys rush in, pulling them apart.
          
                              MAX
                    Keep the fuck away from me!     And
                    Michelle too!
          
                              LUKE
                    You can fuck off!
          
                              CHAD
                    What the hell's goin' on?!
          
                                                                      56.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                        (to the guys)
                    Luke's datin' his sister.
          
                              VARIOUS GUYS
                        (recognition)
                    Aaaah!
          
                              LUKE
                    Oh, you can all fuck off!
          
          Luke breaks free of the guys, and moves off.
          
          
          INT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - DAWN
          
          Sydney stands at the bar with a cup of coffee, chatting with
          Jeremy.
          
                              JEREMY
                    This shirt? I've had it for years.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Well, it's very sexy. I love men's
                    clothes. What else have you got in
                    your closet?
          
          Jeremy smiles, unsure what she means. When Polly approaches,
          her eyes a little red, Jeremy pulls her aside.
          
                              JEREMY
                    Polly, are you alright?   Didn't
                    mean to walk in on you.
          
                             POLLY
                    Oh, hon. I'm fine, thanks. Love,
                    tears. That's the trade-off.
          
          She puts a hand to his cheek, reassuring.    Jeremy ducks
          behind the bar.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    My God, he's gorgeous.
          
                              POLLY
                    Yes, he's a Michelangelo. And the
                    sweetest boy in the world. Sorry,
                    darling, I'm afraid you'll find
                    he's not your type.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Oh, we'll see about that.
          
                                                                  57.
          
          
          
                              POLLY
                    I think he may prefer men.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I certainly hope so.
          
          Keenan and Janine enter.
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    You two better have a seat.
          
                              JANINE
                    Is Luke alright?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    He should have full control over
                    this now. Something must be really
                    confusing him. The only thing I
                    can think of...
          
                               KEENAN
                    What?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    When he became Luca, was he
                    attracted to one of you? You can
                    get really thrown by that. Janine?
          
                               JANINE
                    No.   Not me.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Well, he sure as hell wasn't
                    attracted to me.
          
                               JANINE
                    No.   Definitely not.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Wasn't it just the two of you?
          
                              JANINE
                    Not exactly.
          
          Janine glances to Keenan, as his eyes GO WIDE, grossed out.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Oh, give me a break! No way!
                    Max?! They just had a huge fight.
                    He tried to beat the crap out of
                    him!
          
          Janine and Sydney exchange a knowing look.
          
                                                         58.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Oh, Christ, Luke's not queer!   He
                    was just turnin' into a girl!
          
                               JANINE
                    Exactly.   He was a girl.
          
                               KEENAN
                    Oh!   This is just wrong.
          
                              JANINE
                    Would you rather she was attracted
                    to me?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Would you?!
          
                              JANINE
                    Maybe I would!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Whoa! HANG ON! Right now, Luke
                    needs your help. He needs to know
                    you're behind him, no matter what
                    he wants.
          
          Janine nods.
          
                              JANINE
                    So, what's all this mean?
          
                               SYDNEY
                    Bottom line? Maybe Luca really
                    likes this boy, -enough to want to
                    be female.
          
                              JANINE
                        (to Keenan)
                    Don't sneer!
          
                              KEENAN
                    Oh, come on! I know the guy.
                    We've done all kinds a' shit
                    together: Hoops, hockey!
          
                              JANINE
                    Oh, and girls can't play sports?!
          
                              KEENAN
                    Oh, -whatever! Christ, Janine!
                    Why the hell would he want to be a
                    girl?!
          
                                                                   59.
          
          
          
                              JANINE
                    That's so hard to imagine?!
          
                                 KEENAN
                    Uh, -YEAH!
          
                              SYDNEY
                    HEY! LISTEN UP! I know what I'm
                    talking about. You see this?
          
          Sydney pulls out a SNAPSHOT, shows it to Janine.
          
                                 JANINE
                    Who's he?     An Ex?   ...Oh, my God.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                    Ex me.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You're one too?
                    You're a Z?
                    You're a guy?!
          
                               SYDNEY
                    Was.   I made a terrible mistake.
          
          She and Keenan keep staring at the photo...
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    And once you finally figure out who
                    you are, it's a horrible thing not
                    being yourself. That's why it's
                    crucial we help Luke.
          
          Janine nods, grasping the significance.
          
          Keenan keeps looking from the photo to Sydney and back again.
          
                              KEENAN
                    You musta' worked out.
          
          
          EXT. CAMPUS - OUTSIDE DORM
          
          Luke sits, waiting on the steps of a campus dormitory.
          
          Janine approaches, grinning, carrying a box tied with a bow.
          Keenan trails behind, straddling his bike.
          
                              LUKE
                    What's this all about?
          
          Janine hands him the box.
          
                                                                      60.
          
          
          
          Keenan sneers, cringes.
          
                              JANINE
                    It's just a little something we
                    thought you might want.
          
          Luke opens it, pulls out a BLUE DRESS.
          
                              LUKE
                    What the hell is this for?
          
                              KEENAN
                        (elated)
                    I told her.
                        (to Janine)
                    I told ya'. What a stupid ass
                    idea!
          
                              JANINE
                    Keen! Don't! We just want you to
                    know, whatever you decide, it's all
                    right with us.
          
                              LUKE
                    Decide?! WHAT?! No, it's not!
                    Get this thing away from me! JUDAS
                    PRIEST!
          
          Luke HURLS the box out to the curb.    Keenan gives him a
          thumbs up!
          
                              KEENAN
                    Sorry, man. Think she wishes
                    everyone was female.
          
                              JANINE
                    What's that s'posed to mean?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Oh, Christ, Janine! It means he
                    doesn't want to be girl!   Like
                    he'd have to think about THAT!
          
                              JANINE
                    There happen to be millions of us
                    out there that like being female!
          
                              LUKE
                    Well, bully for YOU!
          
          Janine walks over to pick up the box.
          
                                                          61.
          
          
          
                              JANINE
                    NO! I want to know! Just exactly
                    what's wrong with being a girl?!
          
                               LUKE
                    Nothin'! It's great!    It's
                    fuckin' PHENOMENAL, if you happen
                    to BE one!
          
                              JANINE
                    Maybe we should've had this
                    conversation the other afternoon?!
          
                              LUKE
                    That wasn't my choice!
          
                              JANINE
                    I sure as hell didn't make you do
                    it!
          
                              KEENAN
                    Janine, will you just let me talk
                    to him for a sec'?
          
                              JANINE
                    Oh, what?! It's a 'GUY THING?!'
                    Give me a fuckin' break!
          
          Janine storms off with the box.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Sorry, man. She talked me into it.
                    You know Janine.
          
          Keenan picks up his bike, gets on.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Look, uh,... you do like bein' a
                    dude, right?
          
                               LUKE
                    Asshole!
          
          Keenan GRINS, rides off.
          
                              KEENAN
                        (calling back)
                    You should thank me.    The one she
                    picked out was PINK!
          
                                                                    62.
          
          
          
          UP THE WALKWAY
          
          Luke passes a sidewalk trash can and notices the gift box
          mangled inside.
          
          Glancing around to make sure no one's watching, he pulls the
          dress out, brushes off some dirt.
          
          He shoves it back in the trash, stares at it.
          
          
          INT. MINI-MART - NIGHT
          
          Luke kneels on the floor, stocking candy shelves.
          
          The CHIME BINGS.
          
          He peers over the aisle, looks around, no one in sight.
          
          Michelle appears by the soda dispenser, wary of him.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                    Hi.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Hey.     How are you?
          
                                 MICHELLE
                    I'm okay.     You?
          
          As they talk, Michelle maneuvers to get closer.
          
          Luke maneuvers to keep his distance.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Okay.     You look really nice.
          
                                MICHELLE
                    Thanks.    I was hopin' you might
                    call.
          
                              LUKE
                    I was going to.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    There's something I need to talk to
                    you about. -But did I do something
                    wrong?
          
                              LUKE
                    No. Nothin' like that. There's
                    just some stuff I've got to sort
                    out.
          
                                                                  63.
          
          
          
                                 MICHELLE
                    Like what?
          
          They gaze at each other across the magazine rack,
          
          a mountain range of silence between them,...
          
                              MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                    There's nothing you can't tell me.
          
                              LUKE
                    Me too. What did you want to talk
                    to me about?
          
          They stand silent, beneath the hum of fluorescent lights.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Nothing really.   So, heard you and
                    Max really got into it?
          
                               LUKE
                    Yeah.   I kind a' lost it.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    He knows how to push buttons, huh?
                    What exactly did he say that got
                    you so pissed off?
          
                              LUKE
                    I don't know. We'd just finished a
                    game. I was all revved up.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    He's actually a really nice guy.
          
                              LUKE
                    Not sure he's too crazy about me
                    seein' his sister.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Did he scare you off?
          
                              LUKE
                    No, he doesn't "scare" me. What,
                    his struttin' around, thinkin' he's
                    such a bad ass, with his shirt
                    hangin' open half the time?
          
          Luke's surprised and embarrassed by his own words.
          
          Michelle steps away, confused.
          
                                                                    64.
          
          
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       It's just an act. He likes
                       pretending he's Joe Cool. Always
                       says you gotta' just be whatever
                       you want, and fuck 'em if they
                       can't take a joke.
          
                                 LUKE
                       Well, he's a joke alright.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Look, I'm not sure this is gonna'
                       work out.
          
                                 LUKE
                       I'm sorry, I didn't mean-
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       No. I can't do this. I'm not sure
                       you even know who you are. Much
                       less who I am. Have you ever even
                       had a girlfriend?
          
                                 LUKE
                       What's that supposed to mean?!
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       Well, if you think my brother's
                       such a "joke," how much better
                       could you think of me? We're not
                       that different, you know?
          
                                 LUKE
                       You're totally different.    He's a
                       guy, for one.
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       And he's my best friend. If you
                       don't like him, you can't like me.
          
          She exits.
          
          MINI-MART - LATER
          
          Luke kneels in the aisle, stocking shelves, distracted,
          fidgety, distressed.
          
          He glances up at the magazine rack. A Female Fitness
          magazine catches his attention. The BEAUTIFUL COVER model
          seems to MOVE.
          
          He stares at it: no movement.
          
                                                                  65.
          
          
          
          Luke approaches the rack, and flips over the magazine cover.
          
          As he steps away, he glances back at the rack,
          
          CELEBRITY MAGAZINE COVER
          
          The ADONIS on the cover comes to life. He rips off his shirt
          as he moves off one magazine cover and into another, where he
          passionately kisses the BIKINI-CLAD COVER MODEL.
          
          MAGAZINE RACK
          
          THE MODELS AND OTHERS on half a dozen covers begin stripping
          down, moving to other magazines and making out with each
          other all across the rack.
          
          OUTSIDE THE MINI-MART
          
          The windows glow among the dark trees.
          
          Inside, Luke rips up covers, HURLING magazine after magazine
          across the floor.
          
          INTERCUT WITH:
          
          INSIDE BATHROOM - LATE NIGHT
          
          Michelle leans against the shower wall, staring at the spray
          of water, upset.
          
          Steam rises, filling the bathroom.
          
          She begins SINGING, longingly,...
          
                              MICHELLE
                    "I wanna know how to go
                    To the inside of love.
                    I can't find my way through."
          
          
          Washing herself,
          
          behind the shower curtain,
          
          the timbre of her singing voice mysteriously shifts.
          
          As her hand turns the shower faucet, it changes...
          
                              MICHELLE (CONT'D)
                    "I'm outside of love,
                    To the side or above,
                    I can't find my way with you"
          
                                                                  66.
          
          
          
          A glimpse of her shoulder behind the shower curtain, grows
          more muscular,
          
          and her voice begins LOWERING IN PITCH,...
          
          as MICHELLE BECOMES MAX.
          
                              MAX
                    "Must be a special view,
                    Finding a me with a you,
                    On the inside of love."
          
          Max steps out of the shower, and towels off in the mirror.
          
          
          INT. ORLANDO'S BED & BREAKFAST - NIGHT
          
          A persistent KNOCK on the door. Sydney pulls on a robe over
          a pair of men's boxers, wiping sleep from her eyes. She
          swings the door open.
          
          Luke stands outside in POURING RAIN.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                    Oh, honey.     Come in.
          
          BY THE FIREPLACE
          
          Sydney pours hot tea.
          
                              LUKE
                    You're one too.    Why didn't you
                    tell me?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I didn't want to confuse the issue.
          
                              LUKE
                    So, it's true what you said? You
                    really know. I wouldn't change
                    unless I wanted to?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Maybe some part of you.
          
                               LUKE
                    What part?    How much of me? I
                    mean, for it to work? Half? More
                    than half? What if it was only a
                    tiny bit, -a thought?
          
                                                          67.
          
          
          
                               SYDNEY
                    I don't know. But I believe there
                    may be thousands of Z's out there,
                    millions for all we know, go their
                    whole lives without even knowing
                    they are one. Nothing ever
                    happens. You couldn't keep it from
                    happening.
          
                              LUKE
                    I love being with Michelle. How
                    come I can't control it when she's
                    around?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I think whatever part of yourself
                    you deny, just gets bigger and
                    bigger until it takes you over.
          
          Luke nods sadly.
          
                              LUKE
                    You think I don't really want to be
                    a man.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    I think for some, making it stop is
                    more important than knowing who you
                    are. It was for me.
          
                              LUKE
                    Maybe for me too.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Right now, you're Morphescent. The
                    key is to have sex with another Z.
                    You become Adulmorphic. Your
                    gender locks. You can't just
                    change anytime you want.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Another Z?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    That's why I came all the way out
                    here.
          
                              LUKE
                    And why you keep tryin' to get me
                    in the sack?
          
                                                                  68.
          
          
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Thought maybe I could save you some
                    distress. But you say you're not
                    attracted to me. For it to work,
                    both of us have to be into it.
          
                              LUKE
                    That won't be a problem.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                    Okay then.
          
                                 LUKE
                    Tonight.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Not right now? Okay.   Tonight.
          
          
          EXT CEMETERY - MORNING
          
          Morning dew. Acres of empty grass.   Luke sits at the top of
          a hill by his dad's grave.
          
                              LUKE
                    Remember that Christmas when Keen
                    and me accidentally set the
                    Scofields' house on fire?
          
          He stares up at the sky.
          
                               LUKE (CONT'D)
                    And that burning shingle drifted
                    over and lit up the Robertson's
                    place? The whole town was ready to
                    lynch us, and we snuck back home...
                    Two AM, you were up drinkin'
                    coffee,...
          
          He tugs out hunks of grass.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I thought you were gonna' kill us.
                    But you just looked me right in the
                    eye, and said, "Son, there's
                    leftover pizza in the fridge."
          
          A tear rims his eye.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    That was the coolest thing anyone
                    ever said. Dad, I'm in such
                    trouble.
          
                                                                     69.
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    I feel like if I let this thing in,
                    it's all over. But I don't know
                    what else to do. Guess you can't
                    figure out who you are, until you
                    accept who you might be.
          
          
          INT. ORLANDO'S BED & BREAKFAST - DAY
          
          Department store shopping bags and boxes are strewn across
          the bed.
          
          Sydney checks herself out in the full-length mirror.   A man's
          gray tuxedo jacket over lingerie.
          
          
          INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY
          
          The giant work floor of the abandoned mill.   Sunlight beams
          through holes in the roof.
          
          Max, on roller blades, practices guiding the hockey puck
          along the floor.
          
          He stops when he notices the figure watching him from outside
          the giant metal doors:
          
          Luca in the blue dress, on roller blades, hockey stick in
          hand.
          
                              MAX
                    You're about the last person I
                    expected to see.
          
                              LUCA
                    I can show you a few moves if you
                    want?
          
                               MAX
                    Yeah?   What the hell.
          
          LATER
          
          Luca demonstrates hockey technique, expertly guiding a hockey
          puck through an obstacle course of broken equipment, timber,
          and sawdust piles.
          
          All the while, she dodges Max's attempts to steal the puck.
          
          Max finally gets it, which riles Luca. She hip checks Max.
          They swerve to avoid a pipe, crash-landing on top of each
          other on a sawdust pile.
          
          They bust out LAUGHING.
          
                                                                      70.
          
          
          
                               LUCA
                    Not bad.
          
                              MAX
                    You're better than Luke.
          
                              LUCA
                    I taught him everything he knows.
          
          Luca pulls away from Max, suddenly self-conscious that Max's
          leg is on top of hers.
          
          Awkward from the broken connection, they gaze up at the blue
          sky through a hole in the roof.
          
                              MAX
                    I thought you left town?
          
                              LUCA
                    Had to come back.
          
                               MAX
                    Good.
          
                              LUCA
                    Where'd you learn to speak Italian?
          
                              MAX
                    Just tourist stuff. "I'll have the
                    spaghetti bolognese." "How much
                    for a room?"
          
                              LUCA
                    Have you been?
          
                              MAX
                    Little Italy. In New York.
                    Someday, though. Want to go with
                    me?
          
          Max leans over and KISSES Luca.   She responds, tentatively at
          first,
          
          then as she grows more confident,...
          
          her face REDDENS, she GASPS.
          
          Luca pulls back, self-conscious, confused.    She brushes
          sawdust off her dress, stands.
          
                              LUCA
                    Look, this was a mistake.
          
                                                                  71.
          
          
          
                               MAX
                    Yeah.   Of course.   I know.
          
          Looking up, Luca sees Keenan, staring at them from across the
          floor, incredulous.
          
          Keenan exits out through the giant doors.
          
                              LUCA
                    Oh, Jesus...
          
                              MAX
                    Are you and he...?
          
                               LUCA
                    Huh?
          
                              MAX
                    It's really none of my business.
          
                               LUCA
                    No! I'm sorry.    I shouldn't've
                    come here.
          
          Max stands, brushes off the sawdust.
          
                              MAX
                    Please don't say you're "just
                    visiting." That you "need to
                    leave." I'm the one who needs to
                    leave.
          
          Max skates off across the giant shop floor.
          
          
          EXT. LUMBER MILL - DUSK
          The Semi Truck is parked alone in the middle of the asphalt.
          From inside the cab, the blue dress flips over the rolled
          down window.
          
          ACROSS THE PARKING LOT
          
          Keenan leans against a tractor, rolls his eyes, and twists
          open another beer, which he gulps.
          
          AT THE TRUCK
          
          Luke hops down from the truck cab wearing Langford U. sweats
          and a T-shirt.
          
          Keenan sits on the running board.
          
                                                                    72.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    I mean, what the FUCK is goin' on?!
                    You do wanna' be a girl? You're
                    into guys now?
          
                             LUKE
                    No! I don't know exactly.    I don't
                    know.
          
          Keenan downs his beer, pensive.   He crushes the can and hurls
          it, SMACKING a garbage can.
          
                              KEENAN
                    What about Michelle?
          
                              LUKE
                    I had to be sure. I am now. Come
                    on, it's sort of a Catch-22. I
                    make out with a girl, I start
                    turning into one. You gotta'
                    admit, it's a little weird, isn't
                    it?
          
          Suddenly uncomfortable sitting so close to Luke, Keenan
          stands.
          
                              LUKE (CONT'D)
                    Let's get outta' here.  You want a
                    ride somewhere? Janine's?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Why don't you go see her?   Think
                    you're more her type.
          
          Keenan picks up his bike.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    I'll see ya' round, okay?
          
                              LUKE
                    "See me around?"
          
          Keenan shrugs.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Look, I'm gonna' find my own place,
                    okay?   This is gettin' too fuckin'
                    weird for me.
          
                              LUKE
                    I'm goin' to Dr. Catchadourian's
                    tonight. To make this stop.
          
                                                                     73.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    I don't care. I've had it with all
                    this crap. I mean, you gonna'
                    start hittin' on me next?
          
                              LUKE
                    Yeah, that's right Keenan, you and
                    me: let's do it.
          
          Keenan rides off, leaving Luke shell-shocked.
          
          
          INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - NIGHT
          
          Sydney wears a stunning black silk evening gown.
          
          Small Greek statues now adorn the room.
          
                              LUKE
                    I guess I really did need to face
                    it head on in order to see.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    It was courageous.
          
                              LUKE
                    Girls, are just, I don't know.
                    It's a different energy. They're
                    soft and warm, they can make a guy
                    feel complete.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    And multiple o's. Actually, male
                    Z's have multiple o's too. Been so
                    long I nearly forgot.
          
                              LUKE
                    Cool.
          
                              SYDNEY
                    Okay, to be honest, I'm relieved
                    you sorted this out. My conscience
                    would have bothered me for decades
                    if we'd just gone ahead without you
                    being certain.
          
          Sydney pops a cork and pours herself and Luke glasses of
          champagne. A toast.
          
                              SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    To womanhood!
          
                                                             74.
          
          
          
                                 LUKE
                       To manhood!
          
          They drink.
          
                                 LUKE (CONT'D)
                       So, how does this work?
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       We just do it. And, ...it just
                       happens.
          
          AT THE BED
          
          Luke and Sydney begin undressing.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Do you like this dress?
          
                                 LUKE
                       Sure. Looks great on you. Man,
                       dresses! Even without everything
                       else, dresses are reason enough
                       right there to stay a guy.
          
          Sydney takes this in, considers,...
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       "Stay a guy?"   Let me get this
                       straight. You didn't decide to be
                       a woman?
          
                                  LUKE
                       No.   Of course not.   What?
          
          Sydney, realizing her mistake, regroups: Plan B.
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       Just testing you. Hold on a
                       moment. There's something I
                       forgot...
          
          She retrieves some ROPE.
          
                                 LUKE
                       What's that for?
          
                                 SYDNEY
                       You've never done it with another
                       Z. Trust me, you need to be tied
                       down.
          
                                                                     75.
          
          
          
                              LUKE
                    Does it hurt?
          
                              SYDNEY
                    On the contrary.
          
          BEDSIDE TABLE - LATER
          
          The alabaster eyes of a small Greek Statue stares blankly in
          the direction of the CARNAL SOUNDS coming from the bed, OFF
          SCREEN...
          
                              SYDNEY (O.S.)
                    Just let yourself go completely.
          
                              LUKE (O.S.)
                    Wow, this is intense.
          
                              SYDNEY (O.S.)
                    When two Z's do it, the lateral
                    hypothalamus gets completely
                    overwhelmed,...
          
                                LUKE (O.S.)
                    OH, MAN!!
          
                              SYDNEY (O.S.)
                    Cellular fission kicks in, and,
                    well,... you can go Zytusional!
          
                              LUKE (O.S.)
                    Unbelievable!
          
          The chiseled eyes of a two-foot Statue of David, blankly
          stare.
          
                               LUKE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                    Oh no.   What's happening?
          
          Luke's voice begins RISING IN PITCH...
          
                               HALF-LUCA (O.S.)
                    What have you done?!
                        (Luca)
                    NOOOOO!!!!
          
          The SOUNDS ESCALATE, growing increasingly more INTENSE,
          
          culminating in the extraordinary, never before heard,
          
          SOUND OF ZYTUSIONAL CLIMAX...
          
                                                                  76.
          
          
          
                               LUCA/LUKE AND SYDNEY (O.S.)
                     !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          
          Silence.
          
          MIRROR - LATER
          
          A great-looking, bare-chested guy with Sydney's hair appears
          in reflection: MALE SYDNEY.
          
          Behind him, still strapped to the bed, is now Luca, a GAG in
          her mouth.
          
          Male Sydney carries a phone while fussing with his hair in
          the mirror.
          
                               MALE SYDNEY
                         (into phone)
                     I hear you're the best. Yes, it's
                     an emergency!   Please. Or I'll
                     have to cut it myself.
                         (to Luca)
                     Now, you look me in the eye, and
                     tell me that wasn't the best sex
                     you ever had.
          
          Luca MOANS, STRUGGLES VIOLENTLY!
          
                               MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                         (into phone)
                     Half an hour! YES! THANK you!
          
          Male Sydney clicks the phone off.
          
                               MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                     You can have all my clothes. Oh,
                     and I just bought these incredible
                     Anna Felucci pumps.
                         (reconsiders)
                     Maybe I should keep those.
          
          Male Sydney returns to dressing, a ribbed tank beneath a gray
          Italian tux.
          
                               MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                     Okay, I wasn't completely honest
                     with you, but I never lied either.
                     It stopped. That is what you
                     wanted.    You're Adulmorphic now.
                     The only way to switch is to do it
                     with another Z.
          
                                                                     77.
          
          
          
          He gazes at Luca, a pang of guilt.   He sits on the bed,
          speaks softly.
          
                              MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    I know you don't believe me, but
                    this is the right thing for you.
                    Eventually, you'll figure that on
                    your own. But I could tell it was
                    just gonna' take way too long!
          
          Luca stares, distraught.
          
                              MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    Oh, for Chris' sake. Being a woman
                    doesn't make you any less of a man!
          
          The entire bed LURCHES back and forth as Luca struggles.
          
          Male Sydney winces, pangs of guilt, which turn to anger...
          
                              MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                    Damnit! I can't live my whole LIFE
                    wrong 'cause of one stupid mistake!
                    I'm a man! I love havin' this
                    chest, these arms! But most of
                    all,...
                        (grabs his pant crotch)
                    Welcome home, boys! Hang in there,
                    I'm takin' you out for a SPIN!
          
          LATER
          
          Luca lies alone in the room, bound and gagged on the bed.
          
          A KNOCK at the door.
          
          Luca MOANS and tries to YELL through her gagged mouth.
          
          The KNOCK PERSISTS.
          
          SIDE WINDOW
          
          The ivy parts and Keenan peers in.
          
          His eyes GO WIDE.
          
          He pushes the window open a little, whispers...
          
                              KEENAN
                    What's goin' on? Where is she?
          
          Luca MOANS and struggles against the ropes.
          
                                                                    78.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Whoa. I guess I really didn't
                    think you were gonna' go this way.
                    Okay. Whatever.
          
          Keenan sits on the edge of the bed.
          
          Luca MOANS trying to get Keenan to remove the gag.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Hang on a sec'. Look, I'm sorry
                    about earlier, -what I said. But
                    all this stuff.   Janine and I
                    split up.
          
          Luca stops struggling, shocked.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    All I ever did was piss her off.
                    I'm not sure she even wants a guy.
                    And you think I'm so much better
                    with girls than you, and sure I can
                    get laid anytime I want, but truth
                    is, I never even woulda' hit on her
                    if it weren't for watchin' you.
          
          Keenan climbs on top of Luca, starts untying her hands,
          straddling her.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    The way you just talk to 'em about
                    anything, like it was okay. I
                    gotta' get her back, man.
          
          With Herculean effort, Keenan struggles to hold back tears...
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    It's like the whole world's blown
                    apart. Ah, shit. Man, you havin'
                    tits now is just weird.
          
          
          EXT. WOODED HIGHWAY
          
          The truck THUNDERS along through the trees, head lamps
          BLAZING, dashboard lights bright.
          
          Keenan's at the wheel.
          
                              LUCA
                    Janine said he's definitely there.
          
                                                                  79.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    Did she mention me?
          
          Luca indicates 'no.'
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    Women. God, I'm glad you want to
                    be a guy. You are absolutely sure,
                    right?
          
                                 LUCA
                    Yes!
          
                              KEENAN
                    'Cause it really is totally cool
                    either way.
          
                                 LUCA
                    I'm SURE.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Okay, I just don't want you to
                    think I'm zerophobic, or somethin'.
          
          
          EXT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - NIGHT
          
          Students gather outside the farmhouse pool hall.
          
          Male Sydney spots his prey, and approaches Jeremy, who hangs
          out alone on the grass near a small bonfire.
          
          The firelight licks their faces.
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    You're on the wrestling team.
          
                               JEREMY
                    Yeah.   You catch the meets?
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    Just an educated guess.    Wanna'
                    wrestle?
          
          Jeremy LAUGHS, glances around, unsure what to make of him.
          
          
          INSIDE THE SEMI
          The truck CAREENS around a CURVE.
          
                              LUCA
                    Can't this thing go any faster?!
          
                                                                 80.
          
          
          
          Luca considers...
          
                              LUCA (CONT'D)
                    You know me better than anyone.
                    What do you think?
          
                                KEENAN
                    Huh?
          
                              LUCA
                    I mean, if I weren't a hundred
                    percent sure which I'm s'posed to
                    be. If you had to say.
          
                              KEENAN
                    All I know is, every time you look
                    at Michelle, or think about her,
                    you smile. What the hell else do
                    you need to know?
          
                              LUCA
                    It's not right. She deserves to be
                    with a normal guy.
          
                              KEENAN
                    So, you don't get to be with
                    anyone?
          
          They drive in silence.
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    That why they call it "zero-
                    philia?"
          
                              LUCA
                    She's not gonna' want some guy who
                    thinks maybe he's supposed to be a
                    girl sometimes.
          
                              KEENAN
                    How do you know? Did you ask?
          
                              LUCA
                    No way I'm gonna' ask her that.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Well, you have to.   Where are your
                    nads, man?!
          
          Luca glares at him.   Keenan realizes his mistake...
          
                              KEENAN (CONT'D)
                    We'll get 'em back.
          
                                                                        81.
          
          
          
          The truck ROARS on.
          
          
          EXT. POLLY WOG'S
          
          As Janine looks on, Male Sydney moves in for the kill.
          
                                 MALE SYDNEY
                       Come on, let's grab a couple beers.
          
          Sydney tugs at his T-shirt.
          
                                 MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
                       Of course, I see you brought your
                       own six-pack.
          
          
          GRAVEL PARKING LOT
          
          Keenan and Luca hop down from Luke's truck, scanning the
          crowd.
          
          Janine waves to Luca and points across the way.
          
          Luca nods.
          
                                   LUCA
                       Let's go!
          
                                   KEENAN
                       Jeez.    She won't even look at me.
          
          They stride across the field.
          
          BEHIND THE BARN
          
          Male Sydney shoves Jeremy passionately against the wall.
          
                                 MALE SYDNEY
                       I do love to mess with Texas.
          
          Keenan and Luca appear around the corner.
          
                                   LUCA
                       There!
          
                                 MALE SYDNEY
                       We better get outta' here.
          
          Keenan reaches them first.      He wrenches Male Sydney and
          Jeremy apart.
          
                                                                  82.
          
          
          
                                JEREMY
                    Keenan?!    It's not the way it
                    looks.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Oh, Jeremy, I so profoundly don't
                    care if you're queer. Trust me,
                    around here, that's nothin'!
          
          Luca catches up and TACKLES Male Sydney, throttling him on
          the ground.
          
                              LUCA
                    You son-of-a-bitch!       We're doin' it
                    again, right now!
          
                               JEREMY
                    Jeez.   She your wife?!
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    No!  She just said, she wants sex!
                        (to Luca)
                    I can't. I'm sorry.
          
                                 LUCA
                    "Sorry?!"     Fuck you!    FUCK ME!
                    NOW!
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    It won't work.
          
                              LUCA
                    We're goin' inside right here!
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    I'll scream rape.
          
                                 LUCA
                    So will I.
          
          They pull Male Sydney toward the barn door.
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    But I'm gay!
          
                                 LUCA
                    So what?
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    We both need to be into it, or
                    nothing happens.
          
                                                           83.
          
          
          
                              KEENAN
                    Such bullshit.
          
          Jeremy moves off, wide-eyed and disturbed.
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    That's why I became a woman in the
                    first place. I couldn't handle it.
                    Figured if I was female, it was
                    okay to like guys.
          
                              KEENAN
                    She's lyin'.
          
          Male Sydney shakes his head 'no.'
          
                              LUCA
                    You're tellin' me, 'cause you're
                    straight as a girl and I'm straight
                    as a guy, we can screw and switch,
                    but...
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    'cause you're straight as a girl,
                    and I'm gay as a guy, even if we do
                    it...
          
                              LUCA
                    I'm just screwed.
          
          Keenan's confused...
          
                              KEENAN
                    Jeez. You need trigonometry to
                    figure this thing out. Maybe
                    you're 'bi.'
          
                              MALE SYDNEY
                    In my world the Kinsey scale's
                    three-dimensional, but trust me,
                    girls do nothing for me. Zilch!
                        (to Keenan)
                    You, on the other hand...
          
          Keenan RECOILS.
          
                              LUCA
                    What am I gonna' do?
          
                              KEENAN
                    What if he's lying?    I say, do him
                    again anyway!
          
                                                                  84.
          
          
          
                                LUCA
                    Fine!
          
                               MALE SYDNEY
                    Fine.   Waste of time.
          
          Luca notices Michelle standing nearby.
          
                                LUCA
                    Michelle.
          
                                KEENAN
                    Oh, man.
          
                              LUCA
                    It's not what you think.
          
          Keenan and Luca realize that she's Luca right now, not Luke.
          
                              KEENAN
                    What does she think?
          
                              LUCA
                    I'm not sure.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    You asshole!
          
          Michelle moves off.
          
          ALONGSIDE THE BARN
          
          Luca runs up.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    I don't believe this.    You slept
                    with that guy?!
          
                              LUCA
                    It's not what you think.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Oh, please! What about Max?
          
                              LUCA
                    What about him?
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Don't you care about him at all?!
          
                              LUCA
                    Not like that: I'm straight!   I'm
                    attracted to you!
          
                                                          85.
          
          
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Oh, who cares, you idiot! And
                    sorry to break it to you, but I'm
                    straight too.
          
                              LUCA
                    No. This'll sound crazy, but I'm
                    not who you think I am-
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Oh, Christ, Luke, -Luca: I know who
                    you are!
          
          Luca stares, stunned.
          
                              LUCA
                    You know I'm a Zerophiliac?!
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Yes! So you can just go fuck
                    yourself. -Literally!
          
                              LUCA
                    Does Max know who I am?
          
                              MICHELLE
                    What if he does? Do you?
          
                              LUCA
                    He's a guy!
          
                              MICHELLE
                    And you're a girl!
          
                               LUCA
                    I'm not!
          
          Michelle gestures "Oh really?!"
          
                              LUCA (CONT'D)
                    I'm not supposed to be!
          
                              MICHELLE
                    There's no supposed to be anything,
                    you just ARE!
          
                              LUCA
                    Is that what you think?!   NO!
          
                                                                   86.
          
          
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Well, then congratulations! You're
                    a guy, just like every other guy I
                    ever met! I can't believe you
                    slept with him!
          
                              LUCA
                    He was a woman! I was tricked.   I
                    didn't know I'd switch.
          
          Michelle stares, incredulous.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    You're gonna' tell me he's a Z
                    too?! Both of you?!
          
                              LUCA
                    Yes!
          
                              MICHELLE
                    Well, that's just perfect. What,
                    is there something in the water
                    around here?!
          
                              LUCA
                    She told me it would make it stop.
                    That it would keep me from turning
                    into a girl.
          
                              MICHELLE
                    So what?! Why's that so important
                    to you?! There's no way this was
                    gonna' work.
          
                              LUCA
                    Because I'm a Zerophiliac.
          
                               MICHELLE
                    Because you can't stand being one!
                    Bye, Luca.
          
                              LUCA
                        (correcting her)
                    Luke.
          
          She glances back, sad and angry.
          
          Luca watches her go, distraught, and then RUNS...
          
          ATOP A GRASSY HILLSIDE
          
          Luca collapses on the ground, overlooking Polly Wog's.
          
                                                                   87.
          
          
          
          Janine and Keenan run up, a few yards behind. They sit
          nearby, catching their breath, unsure what to say.
          
          Luca gazes up at the moon.
          
                              LUCA (CONT'D)
                    What's it like? To really make
                    love?
          
          They all three gaze up at the moon.
          
          Keenan steals a glance at Janine.
          
                              KEENAN
                    The best part's just lyin' there
                    after. Really close, really far
                    away.
          
                              JANINE
                    Like goin' to the moon, maybe.
          
                              KEENAN
                    Yeah. ...They should open a pizza
                    joint up there.
          
          Janine glares at him, and Keenan winces.
          
                              LUCA
                    What am I gonna' do?
          
                              KEENAN
                    Maybe being a woman'll turn out
                    okay. Like being an elevated
                    member of the male species.
          
                              JANINE
                    Elevated "member?"
          
                              KEENAN
                    I just mean, maybe he'll learn to
                    like it.
          
                              JANINE
                        (sarcastic, to Keenan)
                    As hard as that is to conceive!
          
                              LUCA
                    Shut up! Both of you! What, you
                    want a written guarantee? You're
                    so damn lucky! You're into him,
                    he's into you. Super-glue! What
                    the hell else do you need to know?
          
                                                                  88.
          
          
          
          Janine looks to Keenan with a look of remorse, hopeful...
          
                                 KEENAN
                       I think you're the female half of
                       me.
          
                                 JANINE
                       I think you're the macho half of
                       me.
          
          They kiss.
          
                                 LUCA
                       And I don't know what half of who
                       the hell I am.
          
          They look to Luca surprised,...
          
          then all three bust out LAUGHING.
          
                                 JANINE
                       What are you gonna' do?
          
                                 LUCA
                       I don't know. I prefer being a
                       guy, but I'm a girl? I'm attracted
                       to Max, but I'm in love with
                       Michelle? It's like I'm s'posed to
                       be both.
          
          Her own admission surprises her.
          
                                 LUCA (CONT'D)
                       Not too practical. But at least
                       now I know.
          
          She almost laughs, sad, but relieved.
          
          
          INT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - LATE NIGHT
          
          The place is cleared out, save for Polly cleaning up behind
          the bar and Max, alone, shooting pool.
          
                                 POLLY
                       Girl trouble? Boy trouble?
          
          Max shrugs.
          
                                 POLLY (CONT'D)
                       How about we get a game in before
                       dawn?
          
                                                         89.
          
          
          
          Max nods, sets up a new rack.
          
                              MAX
                    What's the point? It never works
                    out. Or they just cheat on you
                    anyway.
          
                              POLLY
                    Liverpool was a veritable shagfest
                    when I was your age. A boulevard
                    of broken hearts. But eventually,
                    I found him.
          
          She sinks the cue ball in a corner pocket.
          
                               POLLY (CONT'D)
                    Scratch.   Then he died.
          
                               MAX
                    Sorry.
          
                              POLLY
                    Everything reminded me of him. So,
                    I came here, half way round the
                    world to forget. Then created this
                    place, just like the one where we
                    met.
          
                              MAX
                    He can't handle this. Us.   He
                    can't handle who he is.
          
                              POLLY
                    You being a guy too?
          
                              MAX
                    Or him being a girl.
          
          Polly's confused, but presses on.
          
                              POLLY
                    Everyone's terrified. But once you
                    really know someone, and they know
                    you, it makes you whole.
          
                              MAX
                    No one wants to know who I really
                    am.
          
                              POLLY
                    You're so sure?
          
                                                                       90.
          
          
          
                              MAX
                    It's impossible. He was the one
                    person I thought could understand.
                    But no, it's impossible.
          
          Max puts the cue stick down, and moves off.    Polly calls
          after,...
          
                              POLLY
                    It's worth finding out.
          
          
          EXT. ROAD RAGE GARAGE - LATE AFTERNOON
          
          Max slides out from under an old car. Seeing Luca, he
          hardens, wiping his greasy hands on a rag.
          
                                LUCA
                    Hey.
          
                                MAX
                    Hey.
          
                              LUCA
                    I know she doesn't want to talk to
                    me. But do you know where I can
                    find her?
          
                                MAX
                    New York.     Left two days ago.
          
                                LUCA
                    Oh, man.    ...You're staying?
          
                              MAX
                    Just 'til Friday.
          
          Max returns to his work.
          
                              LUCA
                    I wanted to apologize to her.
                    Forget it, I don't know,...
                    Obviously, nothing's gonna' ever be
                    with me and her, but I just wish
                    she knew how much I, -and that I
                    wasn't cheating, I was just trying
                    to be a man for her.
                        (laughs)
                    She'd have a field day with that
                    one, huh?
          
                                MAX
                    True.
          
                                                                 91.
          
          
          
                              LUCA
                    If you talk to her, please just
                    tell her, I'm sorry, and I wish her
                    the best,... everything.
          
                                 MAX
                    Thanks.
          
          Luca 'nods', not fully understanding Max's response.
          
                                 LUCA
                    I'm sorry.     To you too.
          
                                 MAX
                    For what?
          
                              LUCA
                    Mixed signals, I guess.
          
          Max walks toward the back, then YELPS, wincing.
          
                               MAX
                    Ow!   Son-of-a-bitch!
          
                              LUCA
                    You all right?
          
                              MAX
                    Stepped on a nail.    Damn it!
          
          Max sits on a crate, starts untying his boot.
          
                              MAX (CONT'D)
                    So, you gettin' used to this at
                    all?
          
                                 LUCA
                    I wish.
          
                              MAX
                    You definitely had me confused.
          
                              LUCA
                    For whatever it's worth.     I think
                    you're a pretty hot guy.
          
                               MAX
                    Thanks.   But you're not interested?
          
                              LUCA
                    Truth is, I am. And I guess it
                    sounds crazy, but I couldn't do
                    that to Michelle.
          
                                                                    92.
          
          
          
          Luca moves off, as Max removes his boot, and his sock.
          
                               MAX
                     For whatever it's worth, I think
                     you're pretty hot too.
          
                                  LUCA
                     Thanks.
          
                               MAX
                     Too bad you're a moron.
          
                                  LUCA
                     Excuse me?
          
                               MAX
                     I have incontrovertible proof.
          
          Luca stares at Max, and then down at his ankle, at the TATTOO
          OF A GREEN BIRD.
          
          Max meets her eyes,
          
          and it finally dawns on Luca,
          
          standing, in shock, and now putting it all together,
          
          she LUNGES for him, nailing him to the ground, kissing him.
          
          She RIPS Max's T-shirt as they fall to the asphalt, knocking
          over oil cans.
          
          Passion.   Unbridled.
          
          IN THE PARTS YARD
          
          Luca manhandles Max, shoving him against a pile of huge
          tires, as Max's face transforms...
          
          BY OLD RADIATORS
          
          Michelle slams back onto the crabgrass. She pulls Luca
          toward her as Luca's face transforms into Luke.
          
          BY DISCARDED TRUCK CHASSIS
          
          Luke and Michelle roll on the crabgrass, kissing,
          
          TRANSFORMING as they roll, into Luca and Max and Michelle and
          Luke and Luca -or was that Max?
          
                                                                       93.
          
          
          
          INT. MICHELLE'S BEDROOM - DAWN
          
          White gauze curtains billow in the morning breeze. The sun's
          first rays light up the down comforter and white pillows.
          
          Michelle stirs slowly, then BOLTS AWAKE.       She grabs Luke, a
          vise grip around his torso.
          
          He awakens, groggy.
          
                                   LUKE
                       Hey you.    ...Good morning.   What's
                       up?
          
          Michelle bites her lip, embarrassed, releases him.
          
                                  LUKE (CONT'D)
                       You still think I'm going to bolt,
                       don't you?
          
                                 MICHELLE
                       And leave me stuck.
          
          He smiles.
          
                                 LUKE
                       What do you want, a gender pre-nup?
          
                                  MICHELLE
                       Maybe.   I have to go to work.
          
          She nuzzles him playfully.      Luke glances at the clock, MOANS.
          
                                 LUKE
                       Only place I'm going is back to
                       sleep.
          
                                MICHELLE
                       No. I can't show up at work like
                       this.
          
                                   LUKE
                       Oh, yeah.
          
          He smiles, folds into her.
          
          FADE OUT