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This Will Not Look Good on My Resumé Monologue

This Will Not Look Good on My Resumé by Jass Richards
Character: Brett
Gender: Female
Age (range): 20 - 40
Style: Comedy
Length: 4 minutes


Background Info: A retelling of the interview which amazingly led to her employment as a tax return worker

BRETT: A week later, just in time for income tax season, I was qualified to do personal income tax returns. But despite passing the course with flying colours, I almost didn't get hired. I failed the application form.

Name. I like it that this question comes first. It's one I can answer.

Address. I also know where I live.

Phone Number. Three for three!

Sex. Other.

Marital Status. No. (Unmarried women have no status.)

Name Known to References if Different from Name Indicated Above. Hm. Bitch. (At this point, I began to feel my application form advantage slipping away.)

Education. Yes.

Scholastic Awards. Regional Math Quizmaster, Trout Township, 1972.

Employment History. Yes. Attach additional page if necessary. No. (I'm not doing that anymore. I used to make out a complete list of all my previous jobs and attach it, as directed. I thought I was displaying versatility and a wealth of experience. A friend - okay, an acquaintance - pointed out that I was displaying stupidity. With a list like mine, she said, I'd be considered a flight risk, a bad investment. Employers wanted someone who could hold down a job for more than - she scanned my neatly typed list - a week.)

What aspect of your previous employment did you enjoy the most? Recess.

What aspect of your previous employment did you find the most challenging? Dealing with an asshole supervisor.

Describe any skills or experience relevant to to the position being applied for. Attention to to detail.

Hobbies. Snow shovelling, apparently. (It had been a very long winter.)

Have you ever lied? Yes. This answer is a lie.

Have you ever stolen anything from your previous employers? Yes. But only when my name was Heinz and my mother would've died otherwise.

Position Applied For. Income Tax Filler-Outer.

Other Kinds of Work You Might Be Interested In. Ship's Philosopher on the Starship Enterprise.

And then I almost failed the arithmetic test because I felt like Q taking the Stanford-Binet, and I kept muttering insults to Riker.

When I went for my final interview, I had a sneaking suspicion that the Manager had read my application form, decided not to hire me, and then prepared the perfect list of interview questions to justify his decision. Not exactly standard procedure, but then he probably had the word 'discretion' in his job description. And he intended to use it, damn it. After all, he'd certainly been to enough management training seminars!

He couldn't wait to start the interview, and was practically grinning as he asked his first question.

"Well, yes," I answered, "actually I do have experience working with the criminally insane."

Reprinted with permission from Jass Richards. jassrichards [at] zworg [dot] com