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Maureen's Gift Monologue

Maureen's Gift by Renee Taylor & Joseph Bologna
Character: Maureen
Gender: Female
Age (range): 20s
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes


That's it, isn't it, Ed? You think it's something dirty. "Hey, baby, let's go to my place." That's your speed, isn't it, Eddie? Get out! Otherwise, why would you propose doing something like that with me. On my parents' couch, while my mother is sleeping upstairs and my father's watching television in the next room and my brother is due to walk in that door any minute, and my little sister's got her ear to the kitchen wall. Get out! My parents love you like a son. They trust you, Ed, and they trust me. Every night when I came home from a date since I was fifteen, my father would be sitting up in the living room staring into space, saying, "I trust you, Maureen. I trust you." Now, you're pushing me from one side with your love and they're pushing me from the other side with their trust. And I'm caught in the middle with my gift. Something's got to give, Ed. And that something's going to be you! … Eddie, darling, sweetheart, bunny, puppy, angel pie. A lot of people have to be celibate, because of circumstances, and they rise to the occasion. In prison. On the battlefield. In a space capsule. The only difference between you and those people is they have no choice and you do. Feel better? (SHE stares at him blankly.)