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Joe vs. the Volcano Monologue

Joe vs. the Volcano by John Patrick Shanley
Character: Joe
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy/Drama
Length: 2 minutes


Joe: Don't you think I know that, Frank? Don't you think I am aware there is a woman here? I can smell her, like a flower, I can taste her like sugar on my tongue. When I'm twenty feet away, I can hear the fabric of her dress when she moves in her chair. Not that I've done anything about it; I've gone all day -- every day, not doing, not saying, not taking the chance for three hundred dollars a week. And Frank! The coffee! It stinks! It tastes like arsenic. These lights give me a headache, if they don't give you a headache, you must be dead. So let's arrange the funeral. Why, I ask myself, why have I put up with you, I can't imagine. But I know it's fear, yellow freaking fear, I've been too chickensh!t afraid to live my life so I sold it to you for three hundred freaking dollars a week. You're lucky I don't kill you. You're lucky I don't rip your freaking throat out. But I'm not going to. And maybe you're not so lucky at that. Because I'm going to leave you here, Mr. Wahoo Waturi. And what could be worse than that?! Deedee, how about dinner tonight?