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Clerks Monologue

Clerks by Kevin Smith
Character: Chewlie's Rep
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes


Chewlie's Rep: You're spending what? Twenty, thirty dollars a week on cigarettes....Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay someone that much money every week to kill you? Because that's what you're doing now, by paying for the so-called privilege to smoke! ....It's that kind of mentality that allows this cancer-producing industry to thrive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on a counter and say, "Please, please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir; please sell me something that will give me bad breath, stink up my clothes, and fry my lungs. ....Of course it's not that easy to quit; not when you have people like this mindless cretin so happy and willing to sell you nails for your coffin....Now he's going to launch into his rap about how he's just doing his job; following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another bunch of hate mongers that were just following orders; they were called Nazis, and they practically wiped a nation of people from the Earth...just like cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette smoking is the new Holocaust, and those that partake in the practice of smoking or selling the wares that promote it are the Nazis of the Nineties! He doesn't care how many people die from it! He smiles as you pay for your cancer sticks and says, "Have a nice day."