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Beetlejuice Monologue

Beetlejuice by Michael McDowell
Character: Betelgeuse
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy
Length: 2 minutes


Betelgeuse: Heehoo! Havin' trouble with the livin'? You tired of havin' your home space violated? Wanna get rid of them pesky livin critters once and for all? Well come on down and see me folks, I'm the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist. Yes siree! So come on down, and I'll tell ya, I'll do anything. I'll scare 'em real bad. Hell, I'll even possess myself! Ow! I got demons runnin' all through me, all through me, come on down and see it. And if you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism, now you can't beat that can ya? Hell, bring the little pards down here. We got plenty of snakes and lizards for them to play with. There's no problem with that at all. So, say it once, say it twice, three times' a charm, and remember... I'll eat anything you want me to eat and I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. So come down I'll...chew on a dog.