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Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss Monologue

Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss by Tommy O'Haver
Character: Billy
Gender: Male
Age (range): 18 - 55
Style: Comedy
Length: 3 minutes


Billy: I got that in camera 4th grade. There's a story behind it, actually. It starts in the basement of my best friend's house, his name was Kent Bartlett. He was this wicked kid who lived just down the street from me, and about the only thing we had in common was that we both liked books a lot. So, one day, I come over his house and he drags me down into his basement to show me his dad's collection of dirty magazines. Now, sex at this age is nothing more than a dirty word, so I didn't have any problem telling Kent 'I like naked men, not naked women.' I don't know how I knew at such an early age, it was just this feeling I guess, you know? Like at some point in my life this was going to be an issue, like my whole sexual destiny had been encoded in my subconscious. I certainly didn't know what it meant to like naked men, and I don't think Kent knew either. But we soon found out. Kent started acting really weird, he wouldn't talk next to me or sit next to me on the bus. One Friday he came on the bus with all his friends, and they were all going to his 9th birthday party. I played cool, but the second I got off that bus, man, I ran home so f#@king fast so nobody could see me cry. And when I got home my mom was there and she asked what was wrong, so I told her. She immediately picked up the phone and just f#@king wailed on Kent's mom for not inviting me to the party. And when she hung up the phone, she was in tears too. Kent's mom told my mom what happened. You know, Kent must have naively asked her what it meant that I liked naked men. Now Mrs. Bartlett didn't want me hanging around with Kent anymore. I'd never seen my mom cry before... And it hurt me so much to see that she was just as, you know, fragile, I guess as I was. So, she started crying more, and I started crying more, and we just sat there crying for a few minutes. Then she said 'You know what? We're gonna have a party of our own.' My birthday is just a couple week's after Kent's, and my mom already had my present up in the closet. It was a Polaroid. Of course. I was so happy, 'cause It was just what I wanted. I forgot about Kent's mom, and my mom... After that, she served us birthday ding-dongs. And we just sat there, across from each other... eating in silence.